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Chapter Text

He’d just been forced to meet the king of the dark lands after a group of shy guys had captured him, and now he was sitting in a cage hovering over a bed of lava.

He sits down and brings his knees to his chest, wrapping his arms around them and remembers his life, as he’s already slowly coming to terms with the fact that he may very well die here.

Mario… His cooler older brother.

His mother.

His family…

The pasta.

He sighs and closes his eyes, leaning his head against the rusty bars of his small cage and decides to wait it out. Maybe Mario will work-

The chain attached to his confinement suddenly jerks and he’s yanked upwards with a ferocity, and he’s tossed out on to a marble flooring out of completely nowhere. He jolts and can’t help his terrified cry of shock as he scrambles to his feet and backs away from the culprit.

There in front of him was Kamek, an older koopa wizard, and Bowser, the koopa king.

“Heh heh,” Luigi’s trembling as he looks between the two, hoping that they weren’t only pulling him out of there just to kill him. “Hey?”

“Do you know why I have pulled you out?” Bowser asks, annoyed as if everything going on right was just a mere inconvenience. He crosses his arms.

“N-No.” Luigi clears his throat. “No.”

“I thought it best if he practices his desire on a human.” Kamek answers.

“Desire? Desire… Desire?” Luigi was so thrown off by that statement that he just kept repeating the one word, struggling to understand. “Desire for- for what? Killing?”

“No,” Bowser said. “For Peach. Princess Peach.” His face softens and his claws extend as he starts to go off on a tangent, “Her beautiful, luscious blue eyes. Her soft, pink lips. Her gorgeous blonde hair. The way she moves herself through battle,”

“Ahem.” Kamek clears his throat, interrupting. “A lady, especially one of such caliber, would much prefer experience. Therefore, he will practice on you.”

“Practice in… what way, exactly?” Luigi began to tremble all over again. “Because I-I’m not experienced in that either, I swear it! We’d, we’d just both be strugglin’, you know? Heh heh…”

A claw lifts his chin forcibly, in the same motion as when he was trapped in Kamek’s magical grip, and his back stiffens and he stands tall in fear.

“Perhaps,” Bowser is inspecting his face. “It will be better if he removes his mustache.”

“On it.” Kamek raises his wand.

“No!” Luigi cries out. “Wait! It’ll only grow back twice as big! I swear! We humans grow mustaches so quick,” He pleads, pulling a lie out of his ass. “There’s no point!”

“Fine. I will get past it. Get him ready,” Bowser turns and walks off.

“Yes, your highness.” Kamek licks his dry lips with anticipation and excitement at what was to come, using his wand to trap the human before him and lift him effortlessly, leading him toward a nearby room.

“Oh, Mario,” Luigi is on the verge of tears, completely terrified as he fears the worst. He can’t help but think of his brother, and hope that he was at least okay and truly safe with this princess Peach.

+

Bowser is eagerly waiting at his throne, wondering what was taking so long. Kamek had insisted that a human subject would be far better and easier to practice with, but he didn’t know that meant he’d have to wait so long to see this plan to fruition. He twiddles his thumbs, thinking of Peach herself. He really hopes that loser human doesn’t take her all to himself successfully.

The doors to his throne room suddenly open and he gasps, turning with hope as he spots Kamek waddling inside with his hands behind his back.

“Introducing… Princess Peach’s practice!” He announces, gesturing behind him.

Nothing happens.

Bowser growls, feeling heat rise to his face and mouth.

“Wait!” Kamek stops him, “He is shy,” He raises his wand and forcibly drags the human, Luigi, inside the room.

Hope fills his heart as he spots the human, now dressed in a brand-new outfit.

He wore a crown similar to Peach’s, a blonde wig, her signature pink dress and gloves to match, and pretty pink lipstick that plumped his lips up. Unfortunately, his mustache was ruining the fantasy.

Kamek notices the issue and summons a face mask to cover the bottom half of Luigi’s face, giving a much better illusion. Amazingly enough, his body beneath the overalls was curvy enough to mimic a satisfying figure with the dress’s shape.

Bowser sighed with joy and approached, deciding to start his practice already.

“Wait, I’ll leave you two alone. Don’t try anything now, you hear me?” Kamek warns Luigi before heading off.

Luigi grips a bouquet in his gloved hands and turns to Bowser, trembling and gasping softly in fear as a claw reaches toward him with hope.

“Tell me if this sounds too rough.” Bowser clears his throat. He then gives a shy facial expression and holds his hands together, “Hey, Peach. I guess war can really bring a guy out of his shell, huh?” He chuckles.

Luigi feels his eye twitch at the display and simply stares, his hands curled and lifted in shock.

What has he gotten himself into…

Chapter Text

Luigi had only ever liked one girl in his life, and her name was Destiny. He never bothered to give her a shot, as she most definitely would never like someone as shy and cowardly as he, and that statement was proven when she ended up asking Mario to the dance instead.

Mario, being the great brother that he is, was kind enough to tell her no to spare his brother’s feelings.

He was always there for him, always looking out for him…

“Is the food not to your liking?” Bowser’s voice shook him out of his thoughts.

Currently, he was playing around with a plate of hard meat and bread, finding it so thick and almost inedible that his knife couldn’t cut through.

“It’s great.” He lies, starting to shake as he lowers his mask to force down a bite of bread.

Bowser nods and continues with his speech, which was about… Luigi was unsure, as he wasn’t paying attention. “What do you think?”

“I think it’s great.” Luigi smiles forcefully.

“You think enslaving her people would really be a great tactic?” Bowser sounded surprised.

Oh, shit. “Well, well- Uh, not exactly, I was, uh,” Luigi fumbled with his words, realizing what he’d just done.

“I was thinking that, in the case that she tells me no, I torture one of her toads in front of her. That would work, right?” Bowser asked, almost way too casually.

Luigi couldn’t help his horrified whimper, shifting in his seat. “I don’t think- I really don’t think that would- I mean…”

“Say whatever it is you mean to say.” Bowser growled dangerously.

“Don’t you want her to love you when she marries you?” Luigi finally gathers his thoughts and forces a sentence out.

“I love her, that should be enough.”

“Is it-”

“ENOUGH!” Bowser screeches at him, clearly not liking this sudden disagreement. “You are not here to share your flimsy opinions; you are here to assist in my wooing of Peach!”

Luigi jolts so bad at his screaming that he slams his knees against the table, crying out and nearly falling out of his chair. “I’m sorry! I’m sorry, I’m-”

Bowser simply clears his throat at the human’s distress and proceeds with eating his meal, being proper and slicing his steak with a knife. “So, Peach,” He begins, expecting the human to follow along.

Luigi’s eyes are watering in fear and he’s thankful for the mask as it manages to cover the sob that slips through, and he quickly wipes his eyes and grabs his fork. He sounds nothing like a girl, and he knows the sight of his mustache was enough to piss the other guy off, so he simply shrugs. His hand is shaking so badly as he picks at his meal, he uses his other to grip the wrist and try holding it still.

“What was that?”

“Nothing.” Luigi says so quiet, so low,

 “Alright then.” Bowser is irritated. This human is not helping at all and Kamek was wrong. He was going to have to punish the little guy severely for his error in judgement at a later time. For now, he’ll give it another go. “Are you enjoying your dinner?” He asks, careful and delicate.

“It’s- it’s good.” Luigi stammers out in a high-pitched voice. “What meat is this?”

“Fresh and fried from the prisoners I’ve just sacrificed in your honor.” Bowser smiles.

Luigi drops his fork and nearly throws up. He struggles not to as he comes to terms with the fact that he just took a bite of what remains out of some poor schmuck.

“Is it not salted enough?” Bowser tries to keep up the fantasy.

Luigi doesn’t answer as he feels the tears begin to pour, ripping his mask off to cover his mouth and bending downward to hide himself as he does this.

Large fists slam against the table, causing Luigi to flinch, and Bowser stands up and stomps away out of anger and frustration.

As soon as the large wooden doors of the dining hall slam shut, Luigi lets it run free as he slides out of his chair and falls on his knees, coughing and choking on terrified air. The tears are now so rampant that he can barely see through them, and he grips the ends of his dress as an attempt to ground himself.

Nobody was coming to save him, and if he wanted any ounce of hope in getting out of this, he was going to have to play along.

How can he when- when this monster enjoys frying prisoners up and feeding them to unsuspecting people? Was he going to be next if he continued to disappoint?

He musters up whatever little amount of dignity and courage he still had, reaching up and grabbing the edge of the table for balance and forces himself to stand up. He wipes the tears away and calms his breathing, making some smooth and gentle hand motions through the air. As soon as he deems himself normal enough, he glances at his gloved hands and sighs, grabbing the mask from where he tossed it and re-applying it to his face.

It's show time, Luigi.

Chapter Text

He hadn’t really gone out of his way to put on a show just yet. Bowser’s been making preparations as Peach was apparently looking to pursue the Kong army in the hopes of something Kamek wasn’t too sure about.

Luigi could probably wager a couple of guesses as to what she intended to do with this newfound army, but he kept it to himself out of fear of repercussion.  

He spends most of his time in a cellar, a special one in the basement as he was deemed slightly too important to be tossed into a cage hovering over lava, and he paces in waiting. He’s still in that ridiculous princess Peach garb and he’s still shaking, and he’s terrified, and he wants to go home so badly and see his brother Mario again but he can’t. He’s trapped here, forced to follow the whims of some beast that literally

“Bowser will see you now.” Kamek is at the entrance to the cell, sitting on his broomstick and hovering.

Luigi fumbles with his hands, “Is- Is he? I don’t know, he’s just been so busy and-”

“A lady does not mess with her hands, it is unseemly.” Kamek waves his wand, and a bed of rope wraps around his torso, trapping his arms at his sides. He’s then lifted from the ground and dragged through the air across the hallways and straight to where Bowser was.

“Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches,” He was singing aggressively, slamming his claws down on multiple keys to create a steady rhythm.

“Greetings, your highness,” Kamek interrupted him.

The keys were jumbled, and Bowser flipped around in his chair angrily, “What is it?!”

“I have brought you your bride-to-be. Some more practice may be imperative!”

“I already told you that he’s weak, ineffectual, and pathetic.” Bowser waved him off. “Throw him in the cages with the other prisoners.”

“No! No, no, please,” Luigi starts begging, his mind flashing to horrific images of getting burned alive. “I can help you! Really, just give me a chance!”

“Fine.” Bowser scooches over and pats the empty space on his bench. “Leave us be.” He instructs Kamek, who uses his wand to set the prisoner down on the designated spot before leaving.

“You- you play piano? That’s, uh, that’s great! I tried playing flute in high school, but I could never make a sound, they called me no-noise-Lu.” Luigi said, his words garbled together and rapid as he was terrified. He was still tied up, which only added to his fear.

“I do not care,” Bowser says, simple and calm. He begins to play a couple of soft notes, “From the bottom of my heart… I do not care.” He reiterates.

“Alright…” Luigi mutters. “Sorry.”

Bowser turns suddenly and reaches for his face, which makes him flinch so horrifically that he nearly topples over the bench. A claw simply catches him by hooking itself under one of the ropes and holds him that way, while another claw rips the mask off. “There is no point to this,”

“I agree.” Luigi is smiling wide and trembling and sweating intensely.

Bowser sighs and reaches over with his free claw, stroking his mustache. “It doesn’t feel all that bad. For now, it can stay.” He decides. He was trying really hard to compromise here, hoping the smaller one would do the same. He uses the claw holding the ropes to slice them off, freeing the human’s limbs. “Run or resist in any way and I’ll burn you alive.”

Luigi nods in understanding, fiddling with his gloved hands as soon as they were free. He then remembers Kamek’s words and forces himself to stop by shoving his hands into his lap.

“I made a special song for Peach. Listen to it, tell me if it’s something she’d enjoy.” Bowser cracked his knuckles before busting it the fuck down on that piano, singing passionately about how much he loved Peach and how he’ll stick through it with her at all times.

As Luigi listens, he briefly wonders what it would be like to feel that type of intense love for someone. He felt familial love for his brother and missed him with all his heart, but a love of the romantic kind was entirely different.

“Thoughts?” Bowser asks.

“It’s…” Luigi gulps, being honest. “it’s, uh, it’s wonderful. If you would keep this kind of, uh, level of kindness, I’m sure she’d be smitten.”

“Really?”

Luigi nods. “Oh, yeah! Kindness goes a long way, I mean, look at me! I have a brother who’s doing all that he can to make sure-”

Bowser slams the piano cover down suddenly and harshly, causing Luigi’s words and breath to be caught in his throat.

“Your brother is the reason that Peach hasn’t sought my affection yet.”

“I don’t know if-”

“If you fail to teach me the ways of wooing her by the time your insufferable pipsqueak of a brother arrives here, or by the time I reach the mushroom kingdom, I will stick a skewer through you and roast you alive!” Bowser yells at him.

Luigi squeaks and stumbles backward, the movement so rough and abrupt that the wig falls off his head. He’s scrabbling away, towards the steps of the platform they were on, and he struggles to form words as he fears for his life.

Skewered?! Could this get any worse?

“I-I am helping you! You- you’re the one not listening to any of it!”

“Mutual love? Showing kindness and care? What princess in her right mind would want any of that? Princesses are leaders and fighters, surely besting her in diplomatic status would suffice?” Bowser’s angry tone dissolves as he speaks and is replaced with a sense of being unsure. Saying all of that out loud… it made sense. Kamek will receive two lashings instead of a thousand.

 “I don’t think status matters,” Luigi is still shrinking in on himself, cowering and holding his hands close to his chest. “We all want to be loved, right? Deep down? You- you said it yourself, in your song!”

Bowser thinks about it as he approaches the human, causing Luigi to back up and carefully descend the steps so he doesn’t fall over. He remains quiet as he continues approaching, causing Luigi to back up even further and hit his back against the door. He refuses to turn around so his hand tries to feel around, shaking rapidly, for the door knob. He doesn’t find it as he’s shaking so badly, he can’t even think.

“You never said anything about my pick-up line.” Bowser finally breaks the silence.

“Oh. The shell one?” Luigi finally finds the knob and squeezes.

“Yes.”

“That wasn’t a joke?”

Bowser’s eye twitches and Luigi manages to open the door and dodge, throwing himself downward and sliding as a giant breath of fire blasts above him. As soon as it’s over, he looks up, holding his hat down on his head and thankful that it stayed on under the wig, and looks backward.

“You- you just tried to-” He stammers out, unable to stand or fix himself from his position on the floor.

“Pardon,” Bowser taps his chest with a fist. “I sneezed.”

“I-I almost died to- to a sneeze?” Luigi was hyperventilating. Parts of his hair were singed from how close he was to the fire. He stayed on the ground, bringing a shaky hand up to his face to remind himself he was still alive.

As he did this, Bowser took a moment to pause. His heart suddenly skipped a beat, and something within him unlocked itself. Luigi lay on his side in a delicate pose, still wearing a pink dress, a leg crossed over the other. His eyes were glossy, and his face was bright red, surrounding the entirety of his cheeks and to the tips of his ears. A gloved hand was ever so gently dabbing away at a stray tear under his eye.

“Princess?” Bowser mutters, mesmerized.

Luigi realizes the position he’s in and quickly straightens out, standing up and dusting himself off, mustering a tad bit of courage. “Can I take this off now? We’ve- we’ve already established…” He trails off as Bowser approaches him, forcing him to back up again.

“Stop moving,” Bowser instructs him, cooking something up in his head. He reaches down and gently takes the much smaller hand into his own, bringing it up to his mouth to gently kiss and caress it with a clawed thumb.  

“What- what are you doing?” Luigi was completely frozen now, completely and utterly confused. One second, this monster is threatening him with horrific acts of violence, and now…

“Will you marry me?”

Chapter Text

Luigi stares at Bowser, his eyes wide and his body completely stiff.

There was silence for a good minute or two, nobody daring to move or speak.

Then,

“What do you think?” Bowser asks.

“What do I-I- I mean, what do I think? What could I think? Think about what?”

“The proposal. Was it well executed?” Bowser moves away and nervously plays with his claws. “Were you, like, super impressed? Do you think Peach would like it?”

“Like what?”

“If I scare her so badly that she falls on the ground, and then I propose…”

Something in Luigi snaps at this point. “Are you crazy? You don’t wait until somebody is on the floor recovering from a near-death experience to propose and then say it was only practice! No, it was not a good move!” He stands up, throwing the dress off as he speaks. (His overalls are still underneath) “And this? This outfit? No more! You want to learn how to be a lady’s man? Win her over? Shut up, stop trying to kill me, and actually do as I say!” He rips the gloves off, replacing them with his own. “You understand me?”

Bowser, surprisingly, was not annoyed by this outburst. He listened intently, impressed that the weak little shrimp had found his voice. “Fine.” He says simply.

“Fine?” Luigi seems surprised. He expected some form of pushback honestly, allowing bravery he didn’t know that he had to slip through.

“Just remember what I said.” Bowser warns him.

“About the skewer… How could I forget?” Luigi chuckles nervously and then moves on, “The piano song was a good direction, let’s get back to that.”

Bowser nods.

From then on, Luigi assists him in writing a new song, one less pushy and abrupt and with more soul and careful edge. A proclamation of desire, rather than a demand for love.

“We did good.” Bowser rests his hands, Luigi sitting right beside him at the bench. “Jam with me for a bit, yeah?”

“Well, uh, okay, sure.” Luigi nervously took his gloves off.

Bowser would play a few tunes and Luigi would press a random key or two after. It didn’t sound too horrible, surprisingly.

“Sire!” Kamek suddenly barges in. “We will reach the Mushroom Kingdom by sundown.”

“Excellent.” Bowser smiles.

“Excellent indeed.” Kamek smiles, too.

Luigi freezes where he is. Should-

A koopa suddenly races in, shoving Kamek violently to the floor to get in. “Bowser! It is urgent! Peach and the human have gained the favor of the Kong army, and they’re coming right over through rainbow road!”

Bowser slams the cover down, Luigi screaming despite having moved his fingers away already.

“Sorry… Sorry, s-sorry.” Luigi mumbles quickly, cowering.

“Send in the troops. Kill that blasted human,”

Luigi realizes what he’s saying. “Wait!” He jumps up from the bench, nearly falling over as he did this. “You don’t have to kill him!”

“Silence.” Bowser growls dangerously to him.

Luigi trembles but stands firm. “You don’t! Just- just, uh,” He’s wracking his brain for an idea, any kind of idea that didn’t end with a princess in a forced marriage, an enslaved kingdom, and his brother dead. “Look, we can just not do this! This- this capturing of Mushroom kingdom!”

“Of course, how else will she say yes?”

“The song!” Luigi yells, almost too aggressively. “Sir, the song.” He lowers his voice. “She will love it, I promise,”

“Song?” Kamek uses his wand to throw the turtle that had shoved him at the wall as hard as he could. “You made a new song?”

“This one taught me. No-Noise-Lu,” Bowser says the name with dramatics.

“Ah, that is wonderful! But how do we know if it will work? Princesses seek violence, sire, not music.”

“I’ll prove it.” Luigi says quickly, absolutely hating what he was about to say. “Bring me that dress!” He remembers that the entire point of them forcing that attire on him was for the sake of roleplay. He was sure if he acted his heart out, just as he swore to do the other day, they’ll believe him and leave Mario alone.

So now here he was, dressed up all over again, adjusting the wig and crown and looking in the mirror to ensure that he looked alright before holding his arms at his side at an attempt to be graceful. He then straightened his back. “This is for Mario.” He tells himself.

He walks outside of the lady’s room, a metaphorical one of course, and crosses the red carpet to pass through the empty chapel seats and join Bowser at the altar where Kamek was standing with a book.

He freezes suddenly.

“Wait…” He says. “What is this? I thought- I thought we were going to rehearse the song?”

“Is that not what we are doing?” Bowser asks.

“Of course. This is what comes after its success.” Kamek confirms.

A random koopa marches inside and shoves a bouquet into Luigi’s hands. He’s baffled and simply steps back, “Wait, wait, wait, this is all wrong! You need to sing me your new song and then we do the proposal!”

“The castle is approaching fast, we must skip some steps to hurry the process along.” Kamek warns Bowser, seemingly advocating for this wedding.

“Whose side are you on?!” Luigi yells at him. “You want- No, this is insane!” He clutches the bouquet in one hand, reaching both his clenched hands up to his head. “Stop the castle. Stop the- stop the castle, alright? Just- let’s take a moment.”

Bowser stares at him for a moment.

“Stopping it may work. We wouldn’t arrive at rainbow road when expected to, allowing the Kong army to be stumped. They’re impatient, they might give up and leave.” Kamek takes this proposal as a battle strategy.

“Lower the anchors!” Bowser barks, expecting Kamek to give the orders out to their soldiers, which he promptly does. He looks to Luigi with a smile. “You impress me more and more every day, little human.” He says. He reaches over and rips some mini piranha plants from a nearby pot, handing them over with an eager smile. “A reward.”

Luigi stares at the piranha plants and carefully uses his free hand to take them. A plan churns to life suddenly and snaps at his finger before he can grab a stem, which makes him yelp and drop his bouquet, jumping backward and raising his arms in defense.

“Right.” Bowser tosses them to the floor.

Luigi notices his tonal shift and demeanor change and feels even more afraid and uncomfortable somehow. He ignores it to remind himself that he was doing all of this to help his brother. “Let’s just, let’s take it from the very top. Pretend I’m Peach and you just arrived at my doorstep.”

Bowser nods. He then clutches his massive hands together and bats his eyelashes, giving sweet goo-goo eyes. “Hey, Peach. Guess love really brings a guy out of his shell, huh?”

Luigi sucks in a breath. “I thought we agreed to drop that?”

“Did we? Kamek argued that it was-”

The castle suddenly jerks to a violent stop as the anchors had fallen, forcing the entire structure to a standstill. Luigi stumbles and falls forward violently, nearly landing on top of the hungry piranha plants that were munching and stomping at the air from the floor, but Bowser catches him by gripping his waist with his hand.

“Watch your step.” Bowser growls. “Humans are so clumsy.”

“Right, right,” Luigi moves his feet to avoid some unwanted nibbles, gripping at the fingers around his waist. He adjusts his posture and regains his footing. “Mind letting go?”

A clawed finger is suddenly at his chin, forcing his face up to maintain eye contact with red, lust-riddled eyes.

Luigi silently prays that he misinterpreted the lust-riddled description. “W-what?”

Bowser just continues to stare, as he’s thinking.

For the longest time, he’s wanted Peach’s affections as she was the only human he’d ever known. Fierce, beautiful, strong-willed, and determined. The idea of her soft skin touching his, her plump lips kissing his, and her… well, he had no idea what female humans carried underneath their clothing. Most likely different from a male’s, or maybe it’s the same?

(He also wanted a motherly figure for Junior, who was expected to arrive from his ex-in-laws any day now.)

He will ask Kamek for all the specifics of human anatomy later.

“Uh, uh, uhhhh…” Luigi was still being held and his chin was now squeezed in between two claws.

Bowser was now wondering whether he was truly attracted to her, or the idea of her holding power and status over him? Luigi snapping and yelling something at him earlier really did something…

“Stop,” Luigi suddenly cries. “Please,”

Bowser looks down and notices that, somewhere in his thought process, he had accidentally dug too far into the smaller male’s cheeks with his claws, cutting one of them wide open. A steady stream of blood begins to drip over the digit and under the chin, seeping into the collar of his dress.

The human was now trembling in his hand, sobbing quietly.

“Does it hurt?” Bowser asks, seemingly shocked at this display.

“Yes.” Luigi nodded quickly, his face scrunched up and eyes closed tight. He sucked in a pained breath, as his cheek stung so badly that he tried to distract his mind. The claw cut deep, so sudden and unexpected. He started to feel as if he was never going to get out of this, he was going to die and so was Mario.

They never should have tried to save Brooklyn!

Something sticky presses against his cheek, and he whimpers loudly.

Bowser sighs, dismissing whatever idea or thought he had before. This human was truly pathetic after all. He lets him go, finally, and watches as the human struggles to stand up for a minute.

Luigi wipes the blood away, pausing at the smear on the back of his gloved hand, realizing that a band-aid was slapped on to cover the wound. He stares at Bowser expectedly, waiting for whatever he planned next.

“The castle is stopped.” Bowser moves on, only for his own sanity. “What do we do now?”

Luigi shook his bloody hand, thinking. He forgot whatever plan he’d cooked up in his head after that entire ordeal. He thinks. Then,

“Sing for me.”

Chapter Text

Luigi dreams of Mario.

They’ve been together ever since he gained self-awareness.

On the playgrounds, during school, during work…

‘Lu! Are you alright?’

‘Lu, it’s okay.’

‘Nothing bad will ever happen to us as long as we are together, okay Lu?’

“Wakey, wakey!” Kamek’s voice booms in his head.

He groans, flipping over.

His cellar had been upgraded to a bedroom with a surprisingly soft mattress and a door that only locked from the outside.

“Five more minutes…” Luigi whines.

Kamek raises his wand and lifts him out of the bed, dragging him through the air and through the crisp, freshly polished halls. He crosses into the room that Bowser had decorated, tossing the human on to the brand-new carpet without a care in the world.

Luigi whimpers with irritation before forcing himself up with shaky arms and then gasps in shock at the sight before him.

There sat a brand-new marble bathtub, as large as his family’s entire apartment, along with a brand-new marble sink to match along with mirror-lined walls and a crisp, candle chandelier that hung almost too loosely above his head.

“Wowie zowie.” He says to himself.

“Consider it a reward for your cooperation.” Bowser sneaks up behind him, making him scream in surprise.

He was so startled that he collapsed and passed out entirely, face down on the carpet.

“Was it something I said?”

“Sire, we talked about unprovoked threatening.”

“I didn’t threaten him!” Bowser yells at Kamek. He only did this to show some semblance of kindness, just as Luigi insisted, because he thought it would show progress.

Clearly not.

Luigi suddenly wakes and looks around, jolting back with trembling shoulders to see Bowser and Kamek towering over him. He opens his mouth to cry,

“No.” Bowser stops him immediately. “I heard that humans need a private place to keep themselves clean, and relieve themselves of fluids and foods,”

That sounded disgusting, but it was true. Luigi glances around at the bathroom, and does notice how brand new it is… However,

“There’s no toilet.”

“Is that not it?” Bowser points to the bath.

“No, that’s…” Luigi leaves it alone for now. “What-what is this, uh, for?” He’s not used to acts of kindness from people that aren’t his family, and certainly not from people that were literally threatening to cause horrific bodily harm to him.

“Kindness.” Bowser smiles.

“Oh.” Luigi is unsure of what to do or say. “Thank you?”

“Now you have to help me.” Bowser says.

“Well, the whole point of doing something for someone out of kindness is to do it without expecting anything and…” Luigi noticed the two koopas staring him down and cowered, “Sh-shutting up now.” He mutters.

“No more games. We stopped the castle for this,” Bowser explains. “Be the princess. Show me what it is to have mutual love.”

“The song.” Luigi reiterated.

“Enough with that! You must show me! I need examples, rehearsals, perfection. Show me, Luigi,” Bowser knelt in front of him. “Show me the kindness that I have shown you.”

Luigi stared at him in horror for a moment. What in the-

“He’s not answering.” Bowser says to Kamek.

“You did great. Allow him a second to process, humans are slow.”

“Hey, that’s not-” Luigi stops and shakes his head.

Yeah, okay, fine. He’ll roleplay, he’ll pretend to be Peach, and then maybe Bowser will be satisfied enough to let him free and hopefully not force himself on Peach…

No way. This is crazy.

This is crazy.

If it really was crazy… Then why was he now in Peach’s dress again? He was also wearing a facemask, covering his mustache.

Bowser insisted they make it as realistic as possible by having him wait by the entrance, which he happily obliged to do as it would grant him a moment alone.

He was now pacing, trying to hype himself up. Just pretend, just pretend, just pretend.

He taught Bowser well.

He taught him kindness, he taught him a new song, he taught him not to be a murderous or torturous jerk.

Would it be so bad to just indulge in a bit? A fantasy where he’s happy and in love?

(And he’s also a pretty princess).

He heard some shuffling and turned to spot a shy guy and a bob-bomb standing side by side near a dark corner, staring him down.

“Hee-Ho.” The shy guy pointed to him with a red-clothed fin.

The bob-bomb jumped up to agree with whatever it said.

Luigi awkwardly smiled and waved.

The two of them ran off as if he pointed a gun at them.

He sighed.

“Peach!” Bowser is suddenly there, wearing a nice suit and holding a bouquet of real flowers. “How gracious of you to come,” He said. “Granted, we did crash-land on your front lawn. Almost as heavily as you did into my heart,”

“Of-Of course!” Luigi fans himself with one hand, grabbing the bouquet with the other. He resists the urge to remind him that they agreed on never using pick-up lines again.

“You look as lovely as ever,” Bowser takes his hand into his massive claw, sharing a small peck onto his gloved knuckles before turning and gesturing for him to follow. “I hope you don’t mind the mess. Some of the bob-bombs exploded out of excitement, not enough koopas to clean it up.”

Luigi nods, remembering that they actually blew up because he sneezed again, and the flames ignited them. “No problem! I’m only here for you.”

“How nice of you to say that.” Bowser opens the door to the dining hall, gesturing to a table fully decked out with treats and roasted meats and wine to compliment. “Please, come in and have dinner with me.” He says.

“I’d love to!” Luigi squeaked, racing ahead and nearly tripping. He climbs on to a chair and watches Bowser saunter over and sit at the chair directly across from him. “S-so, uh, what- what’s the occasion? Why, uh, why are you here?” He tries to ask as naturally as possible. He’s feeling scared again and worried as flashbacks to the last time they were in here flood his mind.

“I have a proposition.” Bowser lifts a glass with a bit of red wine, swirling it for dramatic effect. “That may not only improve our situation, but the surrounding kingdoms as well.”

“Mhm?” Luigi grabs a wine glass too, but his hand is shaking so terribly bad that the wine sorta spills out and nearly stains his dress. He quickly lowers his mask to gulp down the contents before slamming the glass on the table and covering his mouth again.

“Marriage.” Bowser is blunt. “Before you turn me away, however, listen to my reasoning. Let me show you why I deserve your hand in marriage, and then decide for sure.”

“Okay!” Luigi waves down the passing waiter, who was literally just Kamek in a black suit, and points to his empty glass for more wine.

“You didn’t drink that, did you?” Kamek asks, sounding appalled.

“No.” Luigi lies.

“Oh, good. The alcohol content is far beyond what a standard human intake should be.”

“Heh heh… Good thing I didn’t drink it then.” Luigi chuckles. He then hiccups, the jolt rocking his body violently. He covers his mouth quickly.

Bowser clears his throat, getting a move on. “So now that we have finished our food, I would like to show you something. Consider it one of my reasons as to why you should marry me.”

“Yay! I wanna get married!” Luigi slurred, laughing right after.

“Eager, I know, but let’s just proceed anyway.” Bowser had not seen the man consume the alcohol as a giant centerpiece of roses that sat on the table was wedged in between them. He felt relief at Luigi’s sudden compliance actually and chalked it up to kindness.

He then brings Luigi over to the music room, where he decides not to play the song again as he’d already done it about five times. “Let’s just… agree that I already did it, alright? Want to keep my claws unsore for the big show.” He raises them for emphasis.

Luigi pokes one of them and then laughs. “Better shave ‘em down too, amiright?”

“I… don’t understand.” Bowser turns away and begins to head toward the next destination wherever that is,

Luigi glances at the stairway to the piano ahead of him, not turning around yet, and feels dizzy. He stumbles and then vomits into a nearby plant.

“Get up, now.” Kamek hisses at him, using his wand to force him to stand back up. He then shoves the human forward, causing Luigi to stumble and trot to Bowser’s side.

He hiccups.

Bowser ignores that as he leads them to his bedroom. He opens the door, revealing a large heart-shaped mattress and matching decorum to follow. Beautifully crafted desks and a large, amazingly soft rug along with a glass chandelier that lit the room quite well.

“This is where we would reside, should you say yes.” Bowser gestured.

“Soft. So soft.” Luigi mumbles, laying on his stomach over the carpet. When did he get here?

“Isn’t it? The bed is just as soft.”

“Wonderful. That is very wonderful.” Luigi mumbles, closing his eyes. Naptime.

“Wait! I don’t mean to bore you,” Bowser grabs his arm and forces him to stand. He’s lost in the roleplay, believing this to truly be his bride to be. “I have one more thing to show you.”

“Does it involve your claws and the bed?” Luigi chuckles, reaching up and poking his nose with the arm that wasn’t trapped in a large hand.

“I…” Bowser was unexpectedly flustered by that. “Really? So soon?”

“It’s tradition to deflower the night of the wedding!” Luigi’s voice is slightly high-pitched, chuckling after. Damn, this alcohol was hitting him hard. Another wave of nausea overtakes him as he stumbles and nearly pukes again. Bowser’s grip on his arm kept him from doing so.

“We aren’t married yet!” Bowser protests, completely in surprise.

“Well what are ya waiting for, big guy? Where’s the altar?”

Kamek uses his wand to raise Luigi off the ground and begins walking off, Bowser following.

The last location was, in fact, the altar.

As soon as they step foot in the newly-refurbished chapel, Luigi falls over and has to be caught again by Bowser’s claw. He clutches the human’s arm as if it were a lifeline.

“Knowing what you know now…” Bowser begins. He pulls a small black box from his pocket and kneels before the human, opening it to reveal a carefully crafted ring with a tiny star attached to it. “Will you marry me, and help me unite our kingdoms?”

“Of course!” Luigi nods quickly. “Oh my God, I love it! This is so perfect,” He takes the ring immediately, about to place it on his gloved finger but Bowser stops him. Carefully, he removes his glove very slowly, very tenderly, and then slides the ring over his forefinger.

Bowser smiles, feeling the joy and the heat of the moment of the success as if it was real. He grabs Luigi by the hips and lifts him, spinning him around out of victory before planting a large kiss on him, directly on the lips over the mask.

Luigi is suddenly bewildered by that, but still feels too loose and happy from the alcohol. Before he could kiss back or do anything else, the dizziness from his spin takes over and he pukes all over Bowser.

Bowser is so disgusted that the moment ends, and he throws the human at the floor. “That is disgusting!”

Luigi groans, staying on the floor.

“Throw him in the prison! Now.” Bowser growls, marching off with a fury. Now that the practice is done, he has no use for him anymore.

Kamek nods and uses his wand to lift Luigi off the ground and carry him off. Instead of throwing him in the prison, however, he tosses him into his room and locks the door.

Chapter Text

Luigi struggles to get the ring off. His head was pounding, killing him, and he remembers why he never drank again after his mom allowed a glass of her finest chardonnay. He was still locked in his nice room, the one with the bed, and he was sitting on the floor with his back against the wall. He fumbled with the ring that was seemingly affixed to his flesh at this point and sighed.

He wondered how Mario was, and if he was okay.

He hadn’t seen Bowser since that night, as he apparently thinks he’s rotting away in a dungeon. He was thankful for Kamek’s mercy, but it also concerned him.

Why did the wizard allow him to live?

Bowser, meanwhile, was sitting atop his throne and watching the koopas play away and party below him. He finds a part of himself missing the human from before, but then remembers the throw up and feels repulsed all over again.

“Sire,” Kamek speaks to him. “Perhaps you can ask for an apology.”

“What do I care? We should reach the mushroom kingdom by sun rise.”

Kamek says nothing and simply nods. As he stands there waiting, Bowser imagines frying him and then eating him as if he were a piece of fried chicken. He then stops and shakes that thought out of his head as this man raised him.

With a resigned sigh, Bowser finally relents. He truly was curious about the ins and outs of a human, and he can’t impress Peach if he’s fumbling and unable to tell how to properly please her. “Is the human still alive?”

“Yes, sire.”

“Bring him to my quarters.”

The first thing Bowser notices is Luigi is twiddling with a spot on one of his fingers as he’s yanked and dropped in front of him. Squinting, he spots the glisten of the ring from before and his heart skips a beat.

Why was Luigi still wearing the ring?

“Do you like it?” He can’t help but ask.

“Uh.” Luigi is not sure what he’s referring to, but considering the fact that Kamek just threatened to rip him in half, he nods quickly. “Yeah! Of- of course. Thank you?”

“I made it special for Peach. A portion chipped very carefully away from the power star and wrapped in pure gold, freshly forged from our molten lavas. It had been especially ripe that morning as we just sacrificed a couple unruly koopas. Their shells make excellent soup bowls, by the way.”

Luigi stopped fiddling and stared at the ring, shaking violently. He wanted to throw up and piss and shit himself. Wouldn’t a koopa eating other koopas be classified as cannibalism?

“You may keep it for now.” Bowser smiles.

“Oh no.” Luigi mumbles.

His entire life he dreamed of meeting someone wonderful and falling in love and they support him the way he supports them.

He never imagined a weird, psycho marriage with a giant turtle that he has to roleplay or else he dies.

“Mushroom Kingdom is only a few paces away.” Kamek suddenly announces, having teleported away to find out an update.

Luigi’s heart beats rapidly.

“What of the Kong army? And the other human?”

“They’re residing back on Kong island, plotting something new no doubt. We must approach with caution.”

Luigi comes up with an idea. “Shouldn’t we, um, respectfully, shouldn’t we turn course to Kong island, then?”

Bowser and Kamek whip their heads to look at him so suddenly and quickly that Luigi flinches as if he were smacked.

“Imagine conquering her kingdom when she isn’t there? Isn’t that wrong? No self-respecting princess likes foul play. You said it yourself,” Luigi gestures wildly. “Surprise her and go to Kong kingdom. Show her that you’re so devoted, just as the song we made together says, and follow her wherever she goes!”

“Travel to Kong would add another day to our trip. Maybe half of another.” Kamek says.

“Perfect amount of time to learn more about humans.” Bowser nods. “Turn course, tell the troops!”

Kamek wears a neutral expression. “Yes, sire.” He vanishes.

Bowser turns to Luigi, who flinches and yelps as if he were hurt. “Teach me what it takes for a human. What you guys, how to please, how to satisfy…” He curls his hand for dramatic effect.

He still thinks the willing and cheery Luigi from the other day was the human gaining a new perspective and shrugs off this fear as simple jitters from throwing up on him.

Luigi stares at him, trying to grasp what that could mean. ‘How to please, how to satisfy…’ “You mean like, emotionally? Like- like when you help someone with doing their taxes or…”

“I don’t know what taxes are and I don’t care.” Bowser knows exactly what taxes are but the part of him not caring was true.

“In all ways, Luigi.” Bowser reaches and grabs his ringed hand, which made Luigi go entirely and completely stiff. “Teach me the physical ways of a human.”

“You know, I can’t really do that on account that I am a male and Peach is… well, female?” Luigi felt so embarrassed and awkward. He’s never had sex before but he was well-versed on sexual etiquette thanks to his hours of research after getting his first date in a while and hoping to impress.

He was stood up.

“It’s different?” Bowser asks. For the most part, koopas carried the same bodily functions despite the fact that women lay eggs and men don’t. Also, he has a penis and there are… Oh. “Well, pleasure is pleasure.” He says.

Luigi forces a smile. “Heh heh… yeah.”

“Just give me pointers anyway.” Bowser reaches a claw out to him. “I… I need for her to like me. If I may vulnerable a moment.”

For a split second, Luigi looks in his eyes and sees someone very similar to him. One who simply wishes to be loved and cared for.

“Fine.” He sighs heavily. “Okay, but, you can’t try anything on me,”

“Shouldn’t I at least touch or rehearse-”

“Only when I say so. You try and-and use your claws on me or kiss me or-or do anything like that without my consent, I’m not helping you anymore!” Luigi puts his foot down.

Bowser listens. He likes this more outward, vocal part of Luigi. The one that cries and cowers is so irritating to him that he dreams of burning him alive but this? Yes, this was more like it. “Of course. And you must help me, or else-”

“Or else I die, got it.” Luigi raises his hands in surrender to prove it.

 “I was going to say you will be locked in a cage over the lava again.”

“Well, I guess that’s better-”

“And then sacrificed in honor of Peach during our wedding.”

“You do realize that sacrificing someone is- is killing them, right?”

Bowser looks confused for a moment. Well, yeah, duh but he thought it would make the blow less severe as they die for a purpose, but… “Are we starting this or not?”

“You’re going to need to dull those claws out, first.” Luigi moves on.

“You mentioned that before.” Bowser gestures for him to follow, heading toward an unknown location. “What does it mean?”

“Humans feel this scary thing known as pain, and pointy, thick, and sharp claws like that hovering our flesh and touching… er… certain areas, is not going to feel good at all. Especially for a woman.” As Luigi explained, Bowser stared at his claws and rubbed them together.

He liked how sharp they were. He wanted to strike fear in his enemies with them, but on the other hand… Perhaps he can shave down only a couple of them.

Luigi eagerly waited for his reaction in a dreadful silence. He was being real brave for someone who genuinely had none left to give.

“Show me.” Bowser arrives at a wooden door, one carved with so many intricate details that Luigi was convinced that it wasn’t a part of the castle for a moment. He opens the door with a hand to reveal a large bed and special ‘tools’ scattering the walls around.

“A…” Luigi was completely speechless. Who would have thought someone like Bowser was such a degenerate?

He’s in a scary castle. He kidnaps and torture people. He drinks soup out of his soldier’s skeletons. He thinks conquering the world is romance.

No, yeah, it checks out.

He collapses on the floor, losing any and all oxygen to his brain for a moment as he passes out.

Bowser simply stares at him for a moment.

“What did I do?”