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Hi my name is Kevin Dark'ness Dementia Smith Price and I have precise ebony black hair and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like the angel Moroni (AN: if u don't know who he is get da hell out of here!). I'm not related to Joseph Smith but I wish I was because he's a major fucking hottie. I'm a vampire but my teeth are straight and white like me?!! I have pale white skin. I'm also a missionary and I go to a Mormon school called Ridchester in Salt Lake City where I'm in the seventh year (I'm seventeen). I'm a Mormon (in case you couldn't tell) and I wear mostly ties. For example today I was wearing a black tie with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, black fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, foundation, black eyeliner and eye shadow. I was walking outside Rodchester It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I fought them.

"Hey Kevin!" shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Connor McKinley !

"What's up Connor?" I asked.

"Nothing." he said shyly.

But then, I heard my friends call me and I had to go away.

The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some coffeee from a bottle I had. My bed was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my bed and took of my temple garmets which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dungarees, a key ring fingy, lace up boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of ties around my nice neck, and put my hair with lots of gel.

My friend, Arnold) woke up then and grinned at me. He flipped his long curly hair head and opened his forest-green eyes. He put on his Star Wars t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

"OMFReaking gosh, I saw you talking to Connor McKinley yesterday!" He said excitedly.

"Yeah? So?" I said, blushing.

"Do you like Connor?" He Skwarked as we went out of the Slytherin common room and into the Great Hall.

"No I so freaking don't!" I shouted. "I am not a homosexual man."

"Yeah right!" she exclaimed. Just then, Connor walked up to me.

"Hi." he whispered.

"Hi." I replied flirtily.

"Guess what." he exclaimed .

"What?" I asked anticipatedly.

"Well, The Prophets are having a sermon in our church." he squealed at me.

"Oh. My. Actual. Gosh! I screamed. I love The Prophets They are my favorite preachers, besides Joseph Smith.

"Well…. do you want to go with me?" he asked.

I gasped. Connor was my sbf (straight best friend) but going to a sermon with him would still be kind of gay I was so conflicted on the inside of myself.

"I will go" I replied swiftly. He smirked and hissed at me in s sexy vampire way. (AN: he isn't a vampire he just acts like one to fit in with Keven)

So later I put on a new tie (black with dark Gray stars) and I went with Connor to listen to the sermon.

I was glad they said my favourite parts, but Connor seemed sad for quite a lot of it. I asked him what was wrong but he just cried and sexily hissed 'turn it off' so I thought he was okay

HOWEVER when we left the sermon Connor looked at me and said:

"Can I tell you a secret." He sniffled

"Sure." I replied in my coolest voice.

"I'm having gay thoughts." He wailed.

I gasped "CONNOR BUT THATS BAD."

"I know." He screamed whilst crying

"Oh no." I screamed too because he was my friend.

"You're my friend Connor. I smiled at him as he cried. I didn't care that he was having problem thoughts, he was still my sbf, and I loved him. (In a no homo way!!)

I felt bad for him because he looked sexy when he was crying and that made me feel bad on the inside so I lead him back to the school and took him into the kitchen.

"Food makes you feel better." I said as I started making him a poptart sandwich.

"What about you." He cried still crying

"I only have blood and coffee" I replied.

"BUT COFFEE IS SINFUL." Connor gasped.

I smiled and shook my head, laughing to myself about something.

Connor was sad for a while but he cheered up when he'd had a poptart. He was not even crying when he finished. My blood and coffe mix was also good, I lived ciffee because I wasn't meant to have it.

Suddenly, the mission president came into the kitchen.

"WHAT ARE YOU DONG YOU MOTHERFLIPPERS???"

(AN: FANGZ 4 READING, LEAVE ME NICE COMMENTZ!!!!)

Chapter Text

The mission president was angry with me because coffre is sin and angry at connor because he just hates him a lot. He yellled loads and then shouted at us with an angry voice that we should go to bed.
Me and Connoe walded upstairs to our dorm rooms. He was still crying a little bit so I hugged him and his eyes stopped leaking so much!
“COnner you are my best friend!” I said even though he wasnt.
“Thank you Kevin but I’m still sad and gay.” he said sadly before he tap danced away (AN: SEE, IS THAT OUT OF CHARACTER 2 U???) as he tap danced he said sadly “I’m goign to go to bed and have a nightly hell dream.”
“Okay Connar, night!” I said cheerful. I was gald he was sleeping well.

The next morning we met on the way to eat food. II walked next to Connir as Connor tap danced to the dining room but Connor went to go sit with his elder friends like poptarts and church.
Nabulungi came to sit with Arnold and me
"Good morning!!" She smiled.
I thought Nabu was pretty (AN: SEE HES STRAIGHT) and she made everyone happy with her smile. Nabu was wearing a vintage skirt with orange lace around the bottom (bcuz she's a hipster) and a shirt and two ties around her neck. I was wearing my school uniform which were some neatly sewn trousers, a clean pressed shirt and five ties. Arnold was wearing the same stuff only his tie was purple not green.
Suddenly, Gotswana came over to the table.
"Hello." He whispered.
"Hello" I roared.
"Guess what." He trembled.
"What." I giggled.
"I have maggots in my scrotum and also there's a rumour that you're gay with Conjor." He exclaimed.
"Gosh." I squeaked.
I was very angry with Connpr for spreading the rumour around that I was gay because I was NOT. I was very straight and definatly loved girls a whole lot.
I ran across the hall to Connor (he was sat on the furthest table away) and yelled “YOU TRAITOR!”
He looked at me with scared eyes and questioned “What is it Kevin”
I was upset so i ran away with tears falling on my face and arnold ran after me.
“Don’t be sad krvin.” He shouted in a small voice.
“I’m not sad.” I angrily pulled the tears off my face.
“Connor is sad too.” Said Poptars as he appeared behind Arnold.
“Why.” I screamed.
“Becasue he’s always sad.” Said the tiny poptart man.
“Oh.” I was sorry for Conno because he was nice but he was always sad and lonely.
Then Nabulunig came into the conversation.”Maybe you should talk to him?” She knew lots of stuff about relationships and I trusted her but i was not going to do what she said because of my rebellious nature.
“No Nabu, i must not.” I said “We can’t be seen together because people think we’re gay for each other!” My heart felt conflicted and hurt.
I ran away again but htis time nobody followed me. I ran for a very long time around the school until I found myself in a room i’d never seen before.
Suddenlt, I heard a loud, angry voice. “Kevin Dark’ness Dementia Smith Price, I am disappointed in you?” it was a loud booming voice and I was scared.
“I’m not gay!” I said in a terrified way.
“I don’t care about your gay stuff, this is about your mission!” HE boomed.
“To convert everyone and make them happy about my favourite book?” I asked happily.
“NO!” The voice yelled. “YOUR MISSION TO RESURRECT THE GENERAL>”
“I don’t know what’s happening.” I said, telling the truth because lying is bad for me.
“Okay well you have to bring a dead general back to life.” He said back to me.
“I don’t know who that is, and I don’t think bringing people back from the dead is actually a possible thing for me to do.”
“Just find the magic stone.” He skreached.
“What does it look like?” I was bored by his annoying voice, it reminded me of someone but I was too bored to think of it.
“It’s pink.” He said.
“Thanks.” I thanked him.
“You’re welcome. Now, you should be getting to lessons.” He said seriously.
“Okay” I said happily as I walked out of the room. I went to my lesson in doorbells but I couldn’t concentrate because of all the thoughts in my head. I had so many questions. Who was that voice? Where was the magic stone? Who is the general? Is connor okay?
Then, I heard a bang and a scream and Connor ran into the classroom.
“OH EM GOSH, JAmES CHURCH JUST THREW POPTARS OUT OF A WINDOW.” He screamed.

FANGZ FOR READING!!! LEAVE ME NICE COMMENTS, NO MORE FLAMEZ PREPS

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I ran to the broken window where James was standing and Connor tap danced next to me.
“What happened!” I ordered.
“I apollogise.” James looked sorry so I didn’t tell any teachers and the three of us went to go see if Poptarts was okay.
“Are you okay, my small friend?” James said as he picked up the pastry person from the floor.
“Yes.” Poptarts squeaked.
James and Poptarts stared at each other for at least 5 minutes and I got uncomfortable so I talked to connor.
“Connor, should we go for a walk?” I wanted to akem sure he wasn’t still upset from earlier.
“Okay!” Connor smiled in a cute way (AN: KEVIN MEANS CUTE LIKE A PUPPY BECAUSE HE’S STRAIGHT) and started walking along a path that went around hthe school.
“Connor are you okay?” I yodeleled.
“No!” Connor smiled loudly. “But I don’t care because I’m turning it off!”
“Okay nice.” I was glad for my bro.
“Actually I’m not okay I’m tired all the time and I’m really actually very gay.” Conno r admitted as he cried.
“Oh.” I was kind of scared by tears and didn’t know what to do.
“OH HECK!” Connor creamed suddenly as he cried more.
I shooshed him and patted his head. “It’s okay.” I said, even though it kind of wasn’t and Connor wasn’t stopping crying.
“I’m evil.” Connor sobbed.
“No you’re not. you’re my friend and you’re actually very patient with me. And I’m a little poop sometimes so you must be super nice if you put up wiht me.”
“Thank you but I am literal sin.” Connor whispered sadly.
“Maybe but you are still a cool little dude.” I was still patting his soft head.
We carried on walking for a bit until we met some friends havign a picnic. It was Arnold, Nabu and Gotswana!
“Do you want some food.” Asked Gotswana.
“Yes please.” Me and Connor said at the same time. We sat on the floor and started eating.
“This is nice food.” Said Connor. He ate some of the sandwitch and smiled at me. I smiled back at him because he is my friend.
“Connor, why were you crying?” Nabu askes.
“I was not!” Connor screams and throws his sandwich in the air.
“yOu were, I heard you and there are still tears on your face.” Nabu says.
“I hECKING HATE YOU ALL.” Conner yells and runs back to the school.
“He’s just sad because he thinks he’s made of sin.” I explained.
“Gosh.” Arnold yelled.
Nabu stood up and looked at me angrily.
“You should be nice to him. He is small and sad you loser!.” Then she ran after Connor and yelled his name as she ran.
“She doesn’t like him being sad because she is his friend.” Arnold said to Gotswana and me.
“I’m his friend as well!” I shouted.
“Yes but you’re not a nice person.” Arnold said.
“That is true.” Said Gotswana.
“Alright, I’ll go check if hes alright.” I ran away as well and left Gotswana and Arnold to finish all the picnic food.

I ran to try and find them but instead of going the right way, I went somewhere else. I didn’t know where I was going but when I got there I saw the mission president standing in the room.
“What are you dong here mister?” I said in my most politest voice.
“I am brooding my life choices.” He said mystically.
“Gosh, well I’ll go then.” I opened the door to go away.
“No young friend. I have a message for you.”
I was surprised! I smoothed my five ties and stood next to him. If he had a message for me it must be important!
“Kevin Dark’ness Dementia Smith Price…..” He said slow “I have found the magic rock that you need.”
“Wow!” I said!
“But before I give it to you… you must tell me wherer to find the frog.” He said in a sparkly voice.
“What.” I said angrlily.
“The MAGIC FROG!” He said loudly.
“Um okay.” I walked away because I didn’t care about this very much and I wanted to know if my friends were okay.
“WAIT!” He yodelled! “IF YOU DONT HELP ME I WILL KILL YOUR BOYFRIEND.”
“I dont have aboyfriend and I don’t think I can help you.” I said.
“Well Connor said that the Poptart man was your boyfriend and you can help me if you do I’ll give you the rock.”
I didn’t really care about the poptart person but I didn’t want him to die. I was also extra super angry at Connor for saying I was gay TWICE. Now my head was hot with anger and i was red. It wasn’t blushing it was pure ANGER.
“Okay, I’ll get you the magic frog but I don’t know where it is.” I screamed.
“It’s in the woods next to the school, in the biggest tree.” The mission president whispered to me slowly.
“Thank.” I said and I walked away.
I was going to fight Conner so hard.

AN: FANGZ 4 READING!!! luv u all, leave me nice commentz

Chapter Text

“CONNOR MCSINLEY!!” I screamed as I ran towards his dorm.
“What is it Kevin?” Yelled Nabu when I broke the door down.
“CONNER STOP TELLING PEOPLE IM GAY.” I was an offended heterosexual.
“I didn’t……..” He sniifed from the floor where he was crying with his face on the carpet.
“Well the mission president said you did so there.” I trusted the mission president, he was a cool man who didn’t lie too much.
“You 2 need to sort this out yourselves bye.” Naba tiptoed away in a small way.
“Connor why did you say I was gay?” I confronted him.
“ I didn’t??” Connor smiled at me and my heart beat faster because he was such a good friend and i Felt kind of bad about not believeing him.
“Connor why are you alwasy crying?” This was sort of unrelated to our conversation but it was an Important Question.
Coneor looked scared and paniced. “I wish……….” He looked verys ad. “Its because im gay.”
“Ok, but we;ve been through this quite a few times and I just thought there was maybe something else wrong.” I was worried about the cryign friend next to me.
“KEVIN IM A HORRIBLE PERSON.” He screamed.
“conn we talked about this like an hour ago outisde, your a cool dude and you’re not a horrible person.” I whissspered, “No homo.” I added.
“no…… I, mean, Im.” He screamed quietly.
He ran away and I was left on my own lookign stupid.
I was angry again so I had to walk around the school for a bit to calm down. When I was walking, I heard spooky whispering from a locked classroom. There was pink smoke coming from unde r the door and music was playing.
I looked throught eh window in the door and I saw……… the poptart man! He was whispering evilly to a box. I knew he was up to somethingBad! And he had something to do with the general i was meant to be resurrecting! I just knew it!
I was about to burst into the room when COnnor sneked up behind me.
“Im sorry for running away kevin i just had to go see a teacher.” he apologised
“thats a lie but i accept it” i exclamed
i turned to look back through the window but the poptart and smoke was gone.
“connr i need you to come on a mission with me and we need to find a frog and somthing else, I think it was a pink sparkly stone or something.” I mused
“ok where” he asked
“in the woods next to the school on a big tree.” i stated proudly.
“wow ok” he said and we walked to the woods together.
“this is spooky” he whispered. he was holding onto me in the way a scared heterosexual would hold his bro friend.
“i know” i said and we carried on walking
when we found the tree, we heard a froggy croaking sound, the frog the mission president wanted me to get was here!
“kevin what the heckity are we doing.” connor snarked
“the lords work.” i said, because it was kind of the truth and not really a lie.
“so now we have to catch a frog?” he asked?
“oui.” I frenched.
“okay, how?” he was confused.
“I don’t know.” I said…
I looked around the bushes and found a giant net! It was perfect for catching small, amphibious creatures!
“Lets catch thsi motherfudger!” I said, I was extremely pumped.
“Please calm Kevin.” Ocnnor pleased. “Don’t get hurt!”
“It’s okay, I’m tough.” I ran towards the tree to find the frog.
Thena giant snake lurched at me! I screamed (in a cool way), and closed my eyes because I was already for death. Then! The poptart pasty person fell out of the tree and karate chopped the snake! It was super cool!
“Oh em gosh tartpop!” Connor smiled, “You saved Kevin’s life!1”
“You’re welcome.” And optarts flew away! It wa s impossible but it happened!
I looked into my net,and the frog was there!
“Connor look! The frog!” I yelled in his ear.
“Cool beans.” He yelled back in my ear and then went silent. Our faces were very close together and for some reason we were holding hands. He smiled at me with a connor smile that made his eyes look nice. I love my best friend!!!
“Lets go and tell the mission president!” I said happily and I put my arm around my pal, my buddy.
“Okie Dokie!” He leant against me and we walked slowly back to the school.
“Connor…” I said as we walked.
“What?” He smiled.
“Sorry I’m a massive butt sometimes.” I confessed.
“Its ok, Im also annoying.” He conffesed back.
“Yeah but thats because oure sad, and it makes me sad.” I replied sadly.
“Thats true, I am sad quite a lot.” He said in a way that was actually quite cheerful for him.
“But thats okay beacause you have lots of friends who loveyou!” I said loudly. “Like, in a friend way. I love you in a friend way haha.” I was suddenly very scared for no reason.
“Okay, that sounds fake but okay.” Connor said quietly and then he shivered because it was kind of snowing.
“Are you cold?” I asked, because I was!
“Yeh.” He muttered.
“Okay.” I hugged him tight because it was sharing body heat! It was science!
“What are you doing.” He asked me confused.
“Fending off the cold.” I replied smartly.
“Great.” He said awkwardly. But then he hugged me back so I guesse d it was okay.
And it was okay. We hugged for a long time, and we were both happy for a little bit.

Chapter Text

Chapter 5

After the happy snow hug, we both went to find the mission president.
“Hello Monsieur!” I frenched.
“Why do you keep doing that.” Connor said as he followed me into the office.
“Oh, you have found my frog.” The mission president said.
“Oui!” I frenched.
“Please stop that.” Connor grumpled.
“So can you give me the pink sparkly stone?” I askd “I need it for the mysterious voice.”
“You need ot find it, but I know where.” He yelled.
“Nice, where?” I whispered.
“It’s hidden somewhere around the school, idk.”
“Thats not helpful.Ok, we’re done here.” I ran away.

When we got outside I turned to Connor and noticed he was looking wroerreid.
“What’s wrong?” I asked.
“Nothing…” He whispered looking at his toes.
“LYING IS BAD CONNOR.” I screamed.
“Haha, I know.” He said, smiling. “Lets go find this stone!”
“Yeeaaahhhh” I screamed.
“Should we start in…….the kitchen?” He asked.
“The kitchen! Land of revelations and deep conversations!” We walked together to the kitchen, I was still holding onto him like I had been since we were outside and I’m not sure, but to an outside obeserver, it probably didnt look as straight as my hetero mind thought it did.
“So where do you think the rumours about me being gay came from?” I asked innocently. He laughed, which I thought was kind of rude. “No, really, if you didnt make them, who did?”
“Kevin let me explain something to you.” He looked at me, “No offence but we are literally walking down the coridoor with our arms around each other its pretyt gay.”
“Gosh darn youre right!” I said but i kept my arm on him becaus e I didnt want to make him cry again.
The kitchen was hard to find but we ound it. When we got there, Naba was making herself a packet oof potato chips.
“Hello boys!!” She smiled “Wow you are a cute couple!!” She took the chips out of the toaster and winked at us as she walked out the door.
“I’m too tired to correct her.” I said tiredly.
“HAha same.” Connor said nervously.
I pulled him towards the fridge and opened it. There had to be something in here! Inside the fridge was some strawberries, bread, bananas, a fried goldfish and a pink fizzy drnk.
“CONNOR LOOK AT THIS!” I screamed and picked up the fizzy drink. It had a small rock in it and i guessed it was the magic stone.
He smiled nervously and took the bottle from me. He looked at it for a long time, as though he was deciding something.
“Yes…..this is it.” He said eventually.
“Great!” I said. “Lets go find the room with the voice!”
“Keivn,,,, what if it’s dangerous?” COnnor whimpered.
“YOu’re not scared are you?” I asked? My arm was still around him so I squeezed him because I wouldnt want my best friend to be scared..
“No, I just don’t want you to get hurt…” He said sadly.
“That’s okay, I’m too cool for that.” I cheerfully said.
“Alright.” He crossed his arms and looked at his tap shoes.
“Lets gooo!” I grabbed his hand and pulled him along the coridoor.
We walked for a long time, but we still couldn’t find the magic room with the giant voice in it, it was kind of awkward.
“I give up!” I said, giving up. “Maybe we should go ask the mission president for more help…”
“NO!” Connor SCREAMED. “WE CANT!”
“Why?” I asked.
“Kevin I have something to tell you….” He looked down.
“Okay, but Connor you’ve already told me about your gay thoughts twice today…” I felt sorry for him but it was getting slightly repetittive.
“Okay….. I’ve actually accepted that, I just kept losing my courage to tell you this…” He whispered.
“What is it!?” I asked, in a hushed tone of voice.
“I…… am the voice, I was the one looking for the stone…” He admitted.
“OH MY GOSH!” I put my hand over my mouth.
“The stone is a magic protection, whoever finds it will always be safe from danger.”
“Why didn’t you find it, then???” I was confused.
“.......wow you really don’t know.” He whispered.
“What?” I asked.
“I wanted you to be the one to find it. That was literally the point of this. It was a setup, I made up that dead general dude because I thought it would add some cool mystery.” He explained.
“But what about the frog?”
“I didn’t plan that, I have no idea why he wanted the frog, that was Messed Up.” He admitted.
“And why did you want me to be safe anyway?” I knew we were friends, but I didn’t know we were THAT close.
“Because…..” He stepped closer to me, our noses were touching each other.
Oh No. I realised what he meant, andthat’s when I began to pray: lord show me how to say no to this, I don’t know how to say no to this! But gosh, the situations helpless, and his eyes are saying heck yes! Show me how to say no to this, in my mind I’m trying to go…
And now his lips are on mine and I can’t say no!
I pulled away. “Oh gosh…. Connor.” I was pretty confused right now.
“HEck, sorry.” He ran away.
“No, not again” I ran after him and grabbed him. “okay connor can we please have a conversation without me being an asshole and youru nning off this is tiring.”
“Ok.” He stopped moving his legs and looked at me expectedly.
“So…………...you kissed me.”
“Yeah.”
“um………...okay……….great……….” I was bvery conflicted on the inside of myself… i wanted to kiss him again but it would be awkward because I’d just stopped HIM kissing ME.
“Sorry.” He looked like an apology card.
“Dont be sorry………” I stated awkwardly.
“Its kind of rude to kiss someone without asking though :/” He mused. “I guess Im kind of problematic.”
I drew him up into my arms. “You may be problematic, but you are my problematic fave, connor.”
“that means a lot to me, keevin.” he sighed.
“I know, my love.” I kissed the top of his smoll head.
Suddenly the mission president ran aroud the corner.
“I CAUGHT YOU!! THAT IS AGAINST THE RULES!!”
I gasped! “Oh No! Connor, we need to run!”
We ran, connor tap danced. Corrridoors fleew past as we whizzed along them. We made it to the big exxit doors and ran out of them.
“WHERE DO WE GO??” Connor yodeled.
“THE WOODS.” I hheoooed ba ck.
We got into the woods and thought we were safe when we heard a loud growling behind us….

Chapter Text

the growlign noise we heard behind us was……….poptarts!
“i know where you can be safe.” he growled
“oh hi poptarts what up” i waved with my arm
“the mission president will kick you OUT OF HERE” he screaned
“ok” i laughed at this thing
“thank you popopopopoptarts” connor smiled at him and i smaild because connor was smiling and that made me happy
“follow me” he flew foreward
“wow what the heck ok” we ran after him fastly
“holy mother flipping heck with an extra portion of darn” connor gasped as he ran
“connor do stop” i said
“Its called expressing myself like you said” he cursed
“its called disappointing your mother.” i replied

when we got to poptarts safe cave, we were sweating because we werent very fit, our only excerise was in doorbell training when we had to push the doorbesl really FAST. The cave was big and kind of cold, whihc was ok because we were hot an d not even in the sexy way.
“kevn, what do we do now”
“We wait”
“for what?? im not actually exactly sure whats even going on”
“so basically the district leader thinks we’re gay lovers and he wants to ecxpell us.”
“how will running away help??? that will make him expell us harder.” he resoned with me
“Oh, je n'y avais pas pensé que….” i frenched, looking into the distance
“kevin…...i dont understand french……” connor said sadly
“desolee, mais vous êtes mignon quand vous êtes en colère” i frenched some more
“KEVIN JAYSUS CHRAIST STAAAAHP IIIT” he scottished but he was kind of laughing so i guess it was okay
“sorry……...vous êtes aussi incroyable et je vous aime”
“qhat did you say????”
“nothign” i smiled to myself “mon amour”

opopopoptartats came in carrying a very very huge ginormous tray full of poptarts
“DINNER TIME” he smiled
“we cant eat alll this, c’est trop gros” i said
“kevin at first you speaking french was kind of hot but oh my gosh its exttremely annoying.”
“you dont need to eat it alone” popman said mysteriously
then JAMES CHURCH burst in
“HEllo” he said to us “whats up”
“james…...what are you doing here???” connor shouted
“i live here” he took a poptart and pushed it into his mouth hole.
“why” james was ok but i didnt really like him because of that one time a few chapters ago when e threw the poptart man outof a window?
“because poptarts and i…………………………….” he paused
“WHATTT” i asked, in a lot of suspense
“are married” he whispered
“HOLY HECKITY DOOO” I yelled “is that even legal” i asked
“yes…………..” they said together “its legal in all states now i thought you new this”
“no i mean………...how old are you” this was a basic quiestion
“19” they said at the same time
“oh okay i just thought since we’re in a school idk” i backtracked
“yeah……..this is high school” james said in the this is sparta voice
“how old are people in high school.” i asked
“hahaha i dont know im british” james said
“no youre not” connor pointed his smoll fingers are james
“thats true” jame s took anothe r bite out of the pasty in his hand.
“OKAY STOP ARGUING” chris stood between his husband and my friend who i think i might be dating but i dont know
“we are not-” james was cut off by a loud BAHAUGDAAAANG
“gosh darn eggs and harn” connor whispered seductively to me
“connor now is not the time.” i whispered back “we must investigate”
“YES WE MUST” james and chris were now cosplaying sherlock whihc was a pretty impressive costume change if you ask me
“okay lets a go” connor ran out of the cave and then ran back in screaming “OH heiCKITY THE MSSION prESIDENT HAS A HELICOPTER”
“T-those werent helicopter noises” james said.
“Well how do you know, james? Do you OWN a helicopter?” Connor said angrily.
“no” james muttered
“what was that?”
“i dont own a helicopter…….” james said sadlt
“neither do i. now we need a plan to sneak out of hreer” connor said
“how about through the really conveniant secret passageway?” pop said
“yoooo good idea little poptart dude” i high fived him, and ran towards the secret pasage way. “where does it lead”? i asked
“um…..i don’t know, i’ve nevre actually been down it….” thye said at the exact same time.
“gosh” said connor in a small voice and i put my arm around him
“i guess it’s our only potion” i said gravely
“yes” connor whispered as we walked down the long flight of staires downwardss.

Chapter Text

we walked down the big long starecase until we reached the end at the starecase, the bottom, the ass f the starecase.
“kev im chilly” connor complained as he walked next to my feet
“me 2 babae” i said and rubbed my arms but them i put my arms (which were a moderate temperature) around him because i am a GOOD BOYFRIEND also he was adorable.
“gosh its dark” james looked at chtis expectedly “i wish my husband could fix THAT” he was kind of grumpy but in a cool way like a distand aloof protagonist in a crime film
“haha nice one james” chris laughed and i laughed too because it was a funny joke but then poptarts started glowing and i stopped laughing
“um……...chris………..thats not normal” connor said scaredly
“haha i sold my soul” chris beamed at us, literally
“why, chris, that is the stupidest thing youve ever done and i remember one time you put five poptarts into your mouthhole at once and i had to perform the heimlich manouver on you”
“oh yeah haha” chris giggled
“actually that was more stupid than selling your soul”
“yeeaaaaah” he smiled and then glowed brighter
“Why did you even sell your soul?” i asked in a confused manner
“it had many perks” chris smiled mysteriously “mostly satan offered me endless poptarts”
“thats a fair deal” i nodded
we finally saw NATURAL LIGHT at the end of the long tunnel we had been walking down
“YEEEs” i punched the air but then screamed when the door opened
“yoooooooo” arnold look out from behind the door
“you made it” nabalungi smiled at us
“made it where?? how do you know where we are??? how many plot holes have been created??? is this reasonable??? who knows anymore im meant to be studying im wasting m y life here.”
“anyway come on in! we made food!” nabu smiled at us and we walked in.
the room was big and warmand in the middle of a big table was a giant packet of doritos, so they obviously tried in the food preparation department but did they succeeed? no they did not.
“so what now?” connor asked, leaning into me
“now we start a new life……...freedom” chris smiled, a single tear runnign down his face (he was still giving off light)
“we dont have any school qualifications, we are going to die in this capitalist hellscape called america” james said dully. i was starting to like james, he kept things real.
“i have an etsy store” nabu said brightly
“okay thats fine we’ll all live off your etsy store we are fine lets start a new life” james said, not even being sarcastic
“i could get a job as a dancer” connor said quietly.
“like…….in a club?” I was doubtful, connor was a delicate flower, too pure for this world.
“no like on broadway!” He was really excited about this.
“NICE” I said, high fiving him.
“Anyway…….why was the Mission President after you in a giant helicopter?” Nabu asked.
“Um he hates us I can’t remember why…” I said.
“Oh he saw us hugging and assumed we were being sinners which is technically true but.”
“Oh okie dokie!” Nabu smiled and then looked angry “He is a massive asshole. Fuck him. You don’t need his shitty school.”
“Wowo…….that is a lot of swear for one person.” Chris whispered in awe.
“I’m really angry okay, also I hate him he deserves to be beaten up. Also I’m not even religious, why do I even go to a mormon school another stupid plot hole DAMMIT.” She thundered.
“I’m best friends with Stan, I’ll hook you up.” Chris winked.
“Who’s Stan???” Nabu was lost.
“Oh sorry *Satan, haha I hate autocorrect.” Chris turned purple (which is a hardcore red).
“Okay I was hoping Stan was a man with like a weapon or something but Satan will do as well i guess…” She said.
We were interrupted by a loud NNNNNYYYYAAAAAAA.
“Gosh if thats a helicopter then it needs a checkup.” James said “In fact, I know a man that went to medical school to treat helicop-” He was cut off when the helicopter crashed through the ceiling.
“JAYSUS CHRAAIIST.” Connor screamed as he was knocked into me.
It was horrible to see, it was a sight so ungodly that I, a good mormon boy had to sheild my eyes from its sin.
It was an ANimemobile!
“I’m coming for you, bakas!” The Mission President screamed as he landed the Animemobile.
“HOLY HECK.” Connor hid behind me which was hard because i was already hiding behind him.
“You two have RUINED the kawaiiness of my SCHOOL!” The mission president yelled and his feet made him move towards us “You STOLE pink fizzy lifting drinks, which ruined my LIFE.” He turned away sadly, “now senpai will never notice me……”
“um okay I dont know what that means.” i said.
“haha you have no graasp of sophisticated linguistics.”
“actuallment, je parle francias…” I frenched.
“NO I AM ALLERGIC TO FRENCH.” He screamed, backing away from me and connor.
“KEVIN, TIME TO BE AN ANNOYING LITTLE DUDE AND FRENCH.” He looked at me ernstly.
“Oui… casse-toi, ok? Tu me fait chier, suce ma bite, non, actuallement, nique ta mere, VA TE FAIRE FOUTRE.” I frenched.
The mission president started crying “No……..i cannot handle it…….so many tenses, so much pain…..”
“Nique moi.” I winked, “Je bande parce que tu es tres chaud.” I frenched, probably incorrectly because I didn’t have google translate or a dictionary with me.
“Thats……….sinful.” He gasped.
I smiled, delivering the final blow, “Oui oui mon amis, je m’apelle lafayette, the lanceleot from the revolutionary set, i came from afar just to say bonsoir, tell the king casse-toi, whose the best, c’est moi.”
“NOOOOOO.” He disintergraited, like voldermort.
“KEVIN YOU ARE MY HERO!!!” Connor smiled at me in a loving way. “You are incredible…..”
I smiled and kissed him before turning to nabu and arnold. “Things are safe now, for both to hold board game nights every night and have your etsy store.”
“Thank you so much, best friend!!” Arnold smiled.
“Thank you Kevin! You are the coolest guy ever!” Nabu smiled.
“James, Chris, stay away from Stan, okay?” I smiled at them both, “Have a honeymoon that isn’t in hell.”
“We will, we’ll be good! They said in unison.
“Good.” I flexed my muscles and looked at Connor (who was looking at me adoringly), “Let’s go and start a new life.”
I flew upwards, growing a cape that fluttered behind me.
And we all lived happily ever after.
The End.

Kevin put his pencil down, sitting back and heaving a sigh on relief. Uganda had so far proved to be low on what Kevin considered to be literature, so he wrote his own.
Shifting through his papers, he quickly realised nobody could ever read his beautiful tale.
“The world isn’t ready for this story.” He whispered to himself. “It’s too gay. And the protagonist is too charismatic, he’ll capture the hearts of too many people.” Reluctantly, he started to proofread, rediscovering the magic of the world he’d created. It almost moved him to tears, the beauty of his creation.
“Elder Price? Are you in here?” Connor poked his head round the door, causing Kevin to jump and hide his writing, “Oh, I didn’t mean to disturb you Elder, it’s just Naba and I are starting a dance class and we were wondering if you wanted to join in?”
“Of course I would, Conno- um, Elder.” Kevin stood up quickly, shoving his work into a draw.
“Come on then!” Connor went to leave but stopped when Kevin didn’t follow him. “I’ll meet you out there, okay?” He said, gently, obviously assuming Kevin was upset about something.
“Oh, thanks.” Kevin mumbled, blushing furiously as he remembered the words his pencil had written only moments ago.
“Are you okay, Elder? You know you can talk to me if there’s anything bothering you!” He drew himself up to his full height, “I am your District Leader, after all!”
“I’m fine, thank you.” Kevin smiled weakly, “You’re really great, Connor.”
“Oh, um.” Now it was Connor’s turn to go red, “Thank you, Kevin! Now I really must be going, meet me in a second okay?” He bustled out of the room, still blushing.
Kevin smiled at his retreating figure, a strange warmth filling him. “Je t’aime.” He frenched.