Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Finn knew who Blake was long before they ever really met. He was the kind of person who had a reputation, the kind of person that everyone knows of, but not many people actually know. Finn saw him in the halls at school, laughing with his friends and walking around like he owned the place. It wasn’t that Blake was popular, he wasn’t really, he just had this air about him, self-assured, cocky even, but not in an unpleasant way. So when they finally talked, Finn was surprised to learn that Blake knew him too.

It’s after school and Finn is sitting in the band room screwing around on a beat-up school guitar while he waits for his younger brother. He never really learned guitar, just picked one up at a secondhand store and tried to figure it out. He thinks he’s at least half decent, even if he hasn’t the slightest idea what chord is what. He supposes he could look it up, but he likes the challenge, the feeling of accomplishment at figuring it all out on his own.

Suddenly the door opens and Blake is there, two of his friends following close behind. Blake has a guitar case slung over his shoulder and is turned around saying something to one of his friends. When he turns and sees Finn he gives him a smile.

“Oh, sorry, you playing?” he asks.

“Oh, no, I was just about to go.” Finn grabs the guitar by the neck and starts to walk out.

“You play a lot?” Blake asks before he has a chance to escape out the door. Finn shrugs.

“I just started not too long ago,” he replies.

“Why don’t you play us something then?” Blake asks, smiling. His friends nod. “We got time.”

Finn swallows then wipes his sweaty palms on his pants. He props his foot on a chair and rests the guitar on his knee.

“Got any requests?” he asks, trying to keep his voice calm. Blake cocks an eyebrow.

“Can you do Wonderwall?” he asks. His friends laugh behind him. “Always a classic.” He smiles.

Finn smiles back. “Yeah, course I can.” He places his finger in the first fret and strums the opening chord, some E something he thinks. “Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.”

Blake grins. The four-chord song isn’t really much of a distraction and Finn can see Blake mouthing the lyrics along with him as he strums. They make brief eye contact during the chorus and Blake seems to be singing to him, not with him.

“Cause after all, you’re my wonderwall….” Finn stops playing.

“Right then,” he says, putting his foot down. “I should really go.” He walks toward the back door of the room.

“Finn, right?” Blake asks. Finn nods, surprised that he knows his name. “You got a nice voice. Real pretty.” Finn feels his cheeks getting warm.

“Thanks,” he says, ducking his head as he walks out of the room.

Finn can’t stop thinking about Blake. He shouldn’t be this flustered, it was just a compliment. Plus, he knows he has a nice voice, everyone says so, he even sang for the school choir in primary school. But coming from Blake, Blake who everyone knows can sing and play guitar and has his own band, well, that’s something else entirely.

He tells his little brother Trent to go do his homework in the kitchen or something and then dashes up the stairs to his room. He should probably do his homework or at least try, but instead he just sits on his bed and buries his face into his pillow.

He’s noticed Blake, of course he has, it’s impossible not to notice him. But he’s never noticed him really. Never noticed the way he smirks or the way his glasses slip down the bridge of his nose every once and a while. Never noticed his lips and the way he licks them quite a lot. Finn finds himself wondering what those lips would feel like pressed against his. He’s not gay, of course not, it’s just something about Blake makes him feel all sorts of stupid things.

The next day, Finn tries to put his encounter with Blake out of his mind, but he finds himself looking for him all over the school. He doesn’t think he’s being obvious about it until one of his friends brings it up.

“What the hell are you looking over your shoulder for?” Pete asks.

“What?” Finn says, snapping out of his thoughts.

“You’ve been doing it all morning. You looking for someone or something?” Finn shakes his head. He’s not, not really. “Well, you certainly had me fooled,” Pete says, rolling his eyes.

He tries to stop, he really does, he chats with Pete and some of his other friends about some new band or another they heard on the radio before darting off to class. He tries to take notes in his chemistry class, but he gives up halfway through, he’s barely keeping a C anyway.

Instead, he thinks about what he might say if he sees Blake again. What could they have even remotely in common? Other than music, and Finn know he’s leagues behind Blake in that, he can’t think of anything. Blake’s got two years on him and if he’s being honest, he knows basically nothing about the older boy. He sighs and gives up, resigning himself to making up melodies in his head and trying to half pay attention to the teacher’s comments on chemical bonds.

By the end of the school day Finn’s gotten yelled at three times for not paying attention, but he still hasn’t seen Blake. He’s still got half an hour to wait for Trent to get out of class, so he wanders back to the band room, hoping Blake might be there again. He’s about to open the door and slip inside when he hears his name.

“Finn!” He whips his head around and sees Blake standing behind him. “Thought you might come here,” he says with a smile.

“Hi,” he manages, hoping he doesn’t sound like an idiot.

“I’ve been looking for you,” Blake says. Finn feels that familiar feeling in his stomach, somewhere between nervous and excited.

“Oh?” he says, trying to stay cool and hoping desperately that he’s not blushing.

“Yeah, look, my band’s got a gig tonight and our bass player’s sick. I was wondering if you wanted to fill in?” He looks at Finn expectantly.

“I-I don’t know how to play bass,” Finn stammers.

“It’s easy, really, I can show you. Plus, he usually sings backup, not well mind you, and since you sing like a bloody angel, I thought I could sacrifice good bass playing for that.”

“You’re sure you want me?” Finn asks. He can’t believe that Blake would ever even think of him, let alone ask him to play in his band.

“Yeah, of course I do. I’m not just asking to be nice.” He gives Finn a smile that makes his stomach flop. “So, you in?” Finn manages to nod. “Alright then, it starts at eight, but you ought to come to my house and learn the bass first, yeah?”

“Yeah, ok, um, where do you live?”

“Do you have to be home tonight?” Blake asks. “If not, I can just take you right now. The other’s will be there around seven or so and you’ll need to learn the set.”

“Oh, yeah, I just need to call my brother then,” Finn says. Blake gives him a nod. He pulls his crap phone out of his pocket and calls Trent. It takes a few rings before he gets an answer.

“Hello?” his little brother says.

“I’m going to a friend’s, you’re gonna have to ride home alone. Tell mom and dad I’ll be late.”

Trent protests for a moment, but Finn just hangs up. He might not be getting any points for being a good big brother, but he’s not about to let a 12-year-old ruin this for him.

“Alright, let’s go,” he says.

The inside of Blake’s car is exactly how he imagined it. Not that he spent a lot of time imagining it, of course. Blake’s guitar is sitting in the back seat along with his backpack and not a small amount of trash.

“Sorry for the mess,” Blake says, tossing a jacket off the passenger seat.

Finn sits awkwardly, not quite sure what to do. Blake flips the radio on to some rock channel and starts singing along. Finn has to admit, his voice is amazing.

“So, bass is simple, really,” Blake says as he turns out of the school onto the main road. “It’s just the top four strings of the guitar, but an octave down. And most of our songs are four chord crap anyway, so it’ll be easy.” Finn nods.

“Ok, sounds good,” he says.

“I can write out the chords for you if you want, I doubt anyone will care if you’ve got a piece of paper at the show,” Blake offers.

“Oh, uh, I don’t really know any chords,” Finn says, embarrassed. Blake looks at him quizzically. “I just, I do it by ear I guess,” he says.

“Well, aren’t you interesting,” Blake says with a small smirk. Finn feels himself blushing a little at the thought that Blake might find him interesting.

They ride the rest of the way to Blake’s house in relative silence. The radio continues to play, and Blake seems to know the words to every song that comes on. Finn just sits, hands in his lap, eyes glued to the window, trying not to be awkward.

After a short drive they pull up in front of Blake’s house. Finn doesn’t know what he expected, but the house is small with a mostly dead lawn and worn-out siding and it surprises him a bit. He didn’t think Blake was rich or anything; their town isn’t exactly known for its wealth and Finn’s family isn’t particularly well off either, but the discrepancy between Blake’s personality and the house in front of him seems odd. Finn follows him up the steps and shifts on his feet as Blake unlocks the door.

“Didn’t know I’d be having company over or I’d have tidied up a bit,” Blake says as he pushes the door open.

“It’s fine, really,” Finn says.

“You say that now, but you haven’t seen my room yet,” Blake says with a playful smile.

Finn swallows. He’s going to be alone with Blake in his room. The thought shouldn’t make his stomach flip, but it does.

“Are your parents here?” Finn asks.

“Nah my dad’s at work till late,” Blake replies.

He starts walking up the stairs and Finn follows close behind. He considers asking about Blake’s mom but decides against it. Blake opens the door to his room and steps aside, motioning for Finn to walk in.  As promised, it’s a mess. The room is small, mainly dominated by Blake’s unmade bed, the sheets half on the floor. There’s a small keyboard against the wall and two guitars and a bass hanging from hooks.

“Is there anything you don’t play?” Finn asks.

“Trumpet, flute, oboe,” Blake quips. “Loads of stuff really.”

He walks in after Finn and shuts the door behind him before sitting on the edge of his bed. Finn stands still by the door, unsure of what to do.

“You can sit,” Blake says, patting the bed next to him.

“Ok,” Finn says. His throat feels dry.

He sits carefully next to Blake, making sure he’s far enough away that their legs don’t quite touch. Blake turns away from him and opens the drawer of his bedside table. He pulls out a pack of cigarettes and pulls one out before offering it to Finn.

“No thanks,” Finn says. “I don’t smoke.”

“Good,” Blake replies, his voice muffled slightly by the cigarette in his mouth. “Don’t start.”

He lights it and sits back on the bed inhaling deeply. They sit like that for a while, Blake leaned back smoking and Finn sitting tensely on the edge of the bed.

“So,” Blake says, sitting up and putting the cigarette out into an ashtray on his bedside table, “you up for some music?”

The next hour or so is spent teaching Finn how to play a variety of songs on bass. Blake shows him how to hold his hand to pluck the strings and lets him mess around a bit to get the feel of things. Finn picks it up pretty quickly, tentatively playing a few riffs he had learned on guitar.

“You’re a natural,” Blake says with a big smile. “Leo and Alec will be thrilled when they turn up. They were skeptical when I suggested you fill in, but I knew you’d be perfect.”

They play the last song and walk off the small stage into what feels like a sea of people. A few people come up and talk to Blake or Leo or Alec, but Finn stays quietly tucked behind them, nervously avoiding any conversation. They find a place to sit and the next band starts playing. About halfway through the first song a girl walks over to the table where they’re seated.

“Blake!” she says. Blake looks up and smiles.

“Em, what’re you doing here?” he asks.

“I got off work early and I figured I’d stop by, you sounded amazing,” she says. Blake stands up and gives her a quick kiss.

“Thanks love,” he says. “Come sit with us.”

He pulls a chair away from another table and places it next to his. She sits down and smooths her short skirt over her legs.

“This is Finn,” Blake says, motioning across the table. Finn gives a small wave. “He’s filling in for Dan tonight.”

“Hi Finn, I’m Emily. You did a great job,” Emily says, smiling.

“Thanks,” Finn says.

“Emily’s my girlfriend,” Blake says to Finn.

“Oh, cool,” Finn says. He feels his heart drop a bit. Of course Blake has a girlfriend.

Everyone talks for a while, Finn mostly listens, he doesn’t really know what to say. He tries to focus on the conversation and not on the way Blake has his arm around Emily or the way she’s leaning up against him or the way she looks at him while he talks. It shouldn’t matter. It shouldn’t bother him. But it does.

“It’s getting kind of late,” Finn says. “I should get home, my parents are probably waiting up for me.” Blake pulls his phone out of his pocket and glances at it.

“Yeah, shit, it is getting late,” he says. “Leo, would you be able to take Finn home? I would but….” He tips his head toward Emily slightly.

“Sure, I can take him.”

Leo scoots his chair back and stands up, grabbing his jacket from the back of the chair and putting it on. Finn follows him out the door, glancing over his shoulder briefly to see Alec, Blake, and Emily still sitting, laughing about something.

He follows Leo through the parking lot and to his car. It’s much newer than Blake’s, and much cleaner. Leo turns the radio on and backs out.

“Sorry about that,” Leo says.

“About what?” Finn asks, confused.

“About Blake pawning you off on me so he could shag his girlfriend,” Leo says.

“It’s fine,” Finn replies. “Thanks for driving me.” They drive in silence for a few minutes, Finn staring straight ahead out the windshield.

“How long have they been together? Blake and Emily?” Finn asks.

“Long time,” Leo says. He pauses, thinking. “Two and a half years I think. Since Blake was in year eleven.”

“Wow,” Finn says. Leo laughs.

“Yeah, we’re all shocked at it if I’m being honest.”

“Why?” Finn asks.

“Because she could do about a thousand times better if she wanted,” Leo says. “Blake’s not exactly winning boyfriend of the year anytime soon. They’ve been off and on a few times, but for some reason she sticks around.”

“Oh.”

Finn doesn’t really know what to make of Leo’s comment, so he turns away and looks out the window. They spend most of the rest of the drive just listening to the radio, with Finn occasionally giving directions.

“Well, hey, thanks for filling in for us on such short notice,” Leo says as he pulls up in front of Finn’s house. “You did a great job.”

“Thanks,” Finn replies. Leo gives him a warm smile.

“Have a good night, yeah? I’m sure I’ll see you around.”

Chapter Text

After the show Finn doesn’t see Blake around much. He catches him in the halls a few times and gets a small wave and smile, but nothing more. It isn’t until nearly two weeks later that Blake comes up to him at lunch.

“Hey Finn, got a second?” he asks.

Finn’s friends look at him questioningly. He had told them about the show but having Blake show up at their lunch table was another thing all together.

“Yeah, sure,” Finn replies, pushing his lunch tray away and standing up. “I’ll catch you guys later,” he says to his friends before following Blake out of the cafeteria. They walk outside and Blake leads him around the back of the school. He pulls a pack of cigarettes out of his back pocket and lights one up.

“So,” Blake says. “How’d you like to be a permanent fixture in our band?” Finn furrows his brow.

“What would I do?” he asks.

“Bass, guitar, vocals, something. I don’t know. We’ll figure it out.”

“But you have all that already, don’t you?” Finn asks.

“Not anymore,” Blake replies. “Dan’s out. So bass would make the most sense. But we can be flexible.”

“What happened with Dan?” Finn asks. Blake looks away.

“Do you want in or not?” he asks, avoiding the question.

“I mean, yeah, of course, I’d love to. Are Leo and Alec ok with this?”

“It’s my band.” Blake looks upset but he won’t meet Finn’s eyes. “Practice is tonight at seven, my place.” He hands Finn a slip of paper. “Let me know if you need a ride.” He flicks his cigarette onto the ground and stomps it out before walking away.

Finn follows Leo out of Blake’s house and to his car after practice, not quite sure how things went. No one had said anything negative, but things had seemed much more tense than the first time he had played with them. He’s worried he messed up too many times or did something wrong and Blake will change his mind about letting him join the band.

“Thanks for the ride home,” Finn says as he buckles his seatbelt.

“No problem,” Leo replies. “It’s not too far out of my way.”

Finn nods and sits quietly for a while. The radio is soft in the background, and he can barely make out the tune that’s playing. Finally, he decides to ask the question that’s been weighing on his mind all day.

“So, what exactly happened with Dan?” he asks.

“Blake didn’t tell you?” Leo says. Finn shakes his head. “Of course he didn’t. I don’t know why I’m surprised at that.” Leo takes a deep breath.

“We were having a get together after a gig, just a small thing, you know. Everyone probably had a bit much to drink. Blake and Dan started arguing about something or another. I don’t really know. But then Dan said-“ Leo pauses. “He said some things about Blake. And Blake snapped, punched him in the face, and told him he was out of the band.”

“Oh,” Finn says, shifting in his seat. He had imagined there had been a falling out of some sort, but he’s still surprised. It reminds him how little he really knows about Blake.

“Yeah,” Leo says. His eyes have been trained on the road ahead the entire time.

“What exactly did Dan say?” Finn asks. It seems like such a strong reaction, just punching someone in the face. Finn could never see himself doing that, no matter what someone said about him.

“Look,” Leo says, “you’d have to ask Blake. It’s not really my place to tell you.”

Finn nods but his curiosity is burning up inside him. They ride the rest of the way to Finn’s house in near silence, their only conversation is Finn giving directions and offering a thank you before hopping out onto the sidewalk in front of his house.

Blake: so this is the new band group chat so we can plan shit

Blake: this is Blake btw

Blake: even though you all have my number so idk what the point of that was

Alec: this is Alec

Alec: hopefully this group chat will be less… dramatic than the last one

Leo: you mean you didn’t like getting a thousand messages of Blake and Dan arguing????

Leo: also this is Leo

Blake: first of all, fuck you

Blake: second of all, Finn could’ve figured out who you were by process of elimination

Alec: Blake don’t swear so much Finn’s like twelve

Blake: he’s fifteen and I can fucking swear if I want to

Finn: I don’t mind

Finn: it’s not like he doesn’t swear all the time irl anyway

Alec: fair enough

Leo: so we have a gig on Friday, yeah?

Blake: yep

Leo: so we should have practice tomorrow

Blake: yes

Finn: at Blake’s?

Alec: it’s always at Blake’s

Alec: since we have all the instruments set up there already

Finn: oh ok

Leo: Finn do you need a ride?

Finn: yeah, that would be great

Blake: that’s one thing I liked about Dan: he could drive

Leo: it’s not Finn’s fault he’s too young

Blake: still annoying though

Leo: you’re not even driving him

Leo: I really don’t mind Finn

Finn: thanks, sorry to be a bother

Leo: you’re not at all! I’ll find you after school ok?

Finn: sounds great!

Finn’s body is buzzing with energy as he follows Blake off the stage. They take a moment to pack up their instruments and Finn feels like he’s almost managed to get his heartrate down to a reasonable rate by the time he’s done.

“Your first show as a proper part of the band was a smashing success,” Blake says, walking over to Finn and putting his arm around the younger boy’s shoulders. “I’d say that calls for some celebration.” He pulls Finn over to the bar with Leo and Alec following close behind.

“We’ll take a round of shots,” he says to the bartender, who barely looks at Blake before he nods and turns away to pour the drinks.

“Blake,” Leo says, “he’s fifteen.”

“And?” Blake says.

“He shouldn’t be drinking!” Leo replies. Blake scoffs.

“Like you weren’t drinking at that age,” he says.

“That’s not the point. We shouldn’t be encouraging that kind of thing.”

Blake reaches over to the bar and picks up two shot glasses, handing one to Finn before drinking the other. Finn takes the glass and holds it nervously. It’s not like he’s never had a drink before, but this feels different than a beer here and there with his friends.

“You don’t have to drink it, Finn,” Leo says softly.

Blake shakes his head like he’s disappointed. Finn bites his lip before tilting the glass back and swallowing. He coughs as the liquid trickles down his throat, but the smile Blake gives him almost makes him forget the sting of the alcohol. Leo looks disappointed and Finn feels bad about it for a bit, but after another shot and a few songs it falls to the back of his mind.

The four boys end up sitting together at a high-top table, Blake and Leo chatting casually while Finn tries to listen over the thumping music. Alec sits quietly, not saying much. He looks distracted.

“You alright?” Finn asks, tapping Alec’s shoulder. He hasn’t really talked much to Alec. In fact, he’s not sure he’s ever had a real conversation with him.

“Yeah, I‘m fine,” he says, only making brief eye contact with Finn before returning his gaze to the table.

“You were really great tonight,” Finn says, picking at the label of a beer bottle in front of him. “It was a good show.” Alec looks back up at him and smiles.

“You’re not half bad yourself,” he replies. “Much better singer than Dan ever was. We’re lucky to have you.” Finn smiles.

“And you’re less of a shithead,” Blake says, stopping his conversation with Leo. Alec rolls his eyes.

“He wasn’t that bad,” he says. “You’re just a prick.”

“Well, I’m glad you picked me to replace him,” Finn says before Blake can respond.

“I’ll drink to that,” Alec says, picking up a drink from the table and taking a sip.

“You’d drink to just about anything,” Blake says with a smirk.

“Fuck off,” Alec replies. He flips Blake off and takes another drink.

“So,” Finn says when he finally finds himself sitting alone with Blake, “what did Dan say to you? Ya know, before you decked ‘im.” The question had been swirling around in his mind ever since Leo had told him what happened, but he had been too afraid to ask. Blake wrinkles his face up a bit.

“Doesn’t matter,” he says after a slight pause. He takes a drink.

“Come on,” Finn says. “I just wanna know.” Blake shifts in his seat, turning slightly more toward Finn.

“You really want to know?” Blake asks. Finn nods quickly. “Fine. Whatever. He called me a fag.” He takes another drink, emptying the glass in front of him. Finn hasn’t been counting but he knows it’s far from Blake’s first of the night.

Finn wants to ask, are you? But he’s not quite drunk enough and he doesn’t want to get punched tonight, so he bites his tongue.

“Happy now?” Blake asks, noticing Finn’s silence.

Finn doesn’t say anything; he just looks at Blake, trying to decide what the right thing to do is, but before he can decide Blake is gone.

Chapter Text

Finn is putting his books away in his locker when Blake walks up next to him.

“Hey,” Blake says, leaning casually against the locker next to Finn’s.

“Hey,” Finn replies. He’s a bit surprised; even though he’s been to a few weeks of band practices and shows, Blake almost never talks to him at school. He’s lucky if he even gets acknowledged in the hallways.

“So, practice today is off,” Blake says. “Leo had some family thing come up that he can’t miss.”

“Oh, ok,” Finn says, trying not to sound disappointed.

“But,” Blake continues, “Alec and I are gonna hang out if you want to come.”

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Finn says.

“Cool. We’re just gonna go to the park and smoke, so I need to go home first and grab shit, but you can come with me. I’d make Alec drive you, but, well, you know.”

Finn isn’t sure he really knows what Blake means, but he nods anyway. He closes his locker and then follows Blake out of the building and to his car.

“Just toss everything in the back,” Blake says, motioning to the various items in the passenger seat.

They don’t say much while they drive to Blake’s house. Blake seems distracted, or maybe just not interested in conversation. Even though he knows Blake better now, Finn is still a bit nervous being alone with him. After a bit they arrive at Blake’s house and Blake parks, but he leaves the car running.

“I’ll be back,” Blake says as he gets out of the car, grabbing his backpack.

“Ok,” Finn says.

He watches as Blake half runs up the steps to his house and goes inside. He notices another car parked out front that he hasn’t seen before and wonders if it belongs to Blake’s dad, and if that’s why Blake didn’t ask Finn if he wanted to come in with him.

Finn pulls out his phone and looks through it while he waits. He knows he shouldn’t be this nervous about hanging out with Blake and Alec, but he is. Usually Leo is the one who checks in with Finn to make sure he’s alright with whatever is going on. Blake just doesn’t seem to think about that kind of thing.

Blake walks back out of his house and gets back in the car. He tosses his bag into the back seat. Finn notices that Blake is now wearing a t-shirt and jeans instead of his school uniform.

“You changed clothes,” Finn says.

“Yeah,” Blake replies as he starts the car. “I’m not a big fan of the whole uniform thing.”

“I’ve noticed,” Finn says. “I don’t know if I’ve ever seen you wearing it properly.” Blake laughs.

“I used to get in trouble all the time for uniform violations,” Blake says. “But I think they’ve given up.”

It’s a short drive to the park and Finn is a bit less nervous by the time they get there. Alec is sitting on a bench waiting and he stands up as they walk over.

“You brought Finn,” Alec says. His voice is flat and Finn can’t tell if he’s upset about that or not. Blake shrugs.

“I figured you wouldn’t mind.”

Alec doesn’t respond, which makes Finn worried that he does mind. Alec usually doesn’t say much, and Finn can’t quite tell if Alec likes him or not.

“Don’t be an asshole about it,” Blake says. “It’s my fucking weed, I can invite whoever I want.”

“I didn’t say anything,” Alec replies. “Let’s just go.”

Finn follows behind as Blake and Alec walk away from the main path of the park and off into a small, wooded area. They find a worn-down bench, which Finn assumes they’ve made use of often based on how quickly they find it.

Blake sits between Finn and Alec and puts his bag on his lap. He pulls out a baggie of weed and some rolling papers and hands a sheet to Alec. He holds one out to Finn.

“You know how to roll a joint?” Blake asks. Finn shakes his head.

“I’ve, uh, never smoked before,” Finn says nervously.

“Ok,” Blake says. “How about you share with me then and see how you feel?”

“Yeah, sure,” Finn says.

“Lighter?” Alec asks after a minute, holding his already rolled joint between his thumb and index finger.

“Here,” Blake says, pulling a lighter out of his pocket and handing it to Alec. Alec takes it and lights up quickly before handing it back to Blake.

Finn watches Blake roll his joint, trying to remember the process in case Blake ever invites him to come with them again.

“Do you know how to use a lighter?” Blake asks Finn.

“Kind of,” Finn says. He doesn’t really, but he doesn’t want Blake to think he’s totally incompetent.

Blake nods and hands the lighter to Finn. Finn takes it and holds it awkwardly. He’s seen other people use lighters before, so he has an idea of what to do. He places his thumb on the spark wheel and presses against it, trying to turn it.

“You gotta do it fast,” Blake says. He grabs the lighter from Finn and lights it on the first try. He lets the flame die and lights it a few more times while Finn watches. “Try again.”

Finn takes the lighter again and tries to copy what Blake just did. It takes a few tries before he manages to briefly get a flame.

“Blake, just do it for him,” Alec says. “Otherwise we’re gonna be here all day.”

“You’ll get better,” Blake says to Finn reassuringly before taking the lighter back and lighting up the joint.

He lets it burn for a few seconds before putting it in his mouth and inhaling. He waits a moment, exhales, then passes it to Finn. Finn takes it and looks at it nervously for a moment before placing it against his lips. He inhales and holds the smoke in his mouth for a second.

“Breathe in,” Blake says. “You’re not gonna get high unless you get it in your lungs.”

Finn inhales and immediately starts coughing. Blake takes the joint from him and places a hand on his back, patting him a few times.

“You good?” Blake asks. Finn nods and coughs into his hand a few more times. “Take a minute before you try again,” Blake says.

“Sorry,” Finn mumbles.

“It’s fine,” Blake replies. “The first time you smoke something is always a bit rough. I remember my first cigarette. It was awful, I thought I would never smoke again.” He laughs and pauses to take another hit. “But you get used to it.”

“How old are you again?” Alec asks Finn. “Fifteen? Sixteen?”

“Fifteen,” Finn says.

“Yeah, that’s probably about when I smoked weed for the first time,” Alec says with a nod.

Finn tries to imagine Blake and Alec at his age, not knowing what they were doing, but he can’t picture it. They sit quietly for a bit, not saying anything while Finn watches Blake and Alec smoke.

“You wanna try again?” Blake asks after a few minutes.

“Um, sure,” Finn says.

He takes the joint from Blake again. This time he manages to breathe in the smoke without coughing and hold it for a moment before exhaling like he saw Blake do.

“There you go,” Blake says, smiling. He pats Finn’s knee softly. “Wait a bit and see how you feel, ok? I don’t want to get you too high right off the bat.” Finn nods, trying not to think too much about how Blake touching him makes him feel.

“Here,” Blake says, pulling his lighter back out of his pocket. “You wanna practice with this? It’s a good skill to have.”

“Ok,” Finn replies.

He takes the lighter from Blake, their fingers brushing against one another. He tries to light it a few times unsuccessfully before Blake takes his hand. Blake places his thumb over Finn’s and helps him make the right motion, holding Finn’s thumb down while the flame flickers for a moment.

“Like that,” Blake says.

Finn nods. He feels slightly dizzy and he’s not quite sure if it’s because he’s starting to feel high or if it’s because of how close Blake is to him. Blake pulls his hand away and lets Finn light the lighter a few times before taking it back.

“That’s pretty good,” Blake says. He puts the lighter back in his pocket. “How are you feeling?”

“Kinda weird,” Finn says. “But good.”

“You want another hit?” Blake asks, offering Finn the mostly burned up joint.

“No,” Finn says, shaking his head. “I’m ok.”

He doesn’t feel bad, or even particularly different really, and he thinks another hit would probably be fine. But he knows he’ll have to go home after this and he doesn’t want to risk it. His parents are already a bit wary of him spending time with Blake and the other band members after the number of times he’s come home late, and he doesn’t want to give them another reason to be worried.

“God,” Alec says, flicking the end of his joint into a trash bin next to the bench. “I wish I could get high from two hits.”

“I know right?” Blake says, laughing. “This shit would be so much cheaper.”

Blake finishes smoking and they all sit for a while. Finn feels like he should say something, but he doesn’t know what, so he just stays quiet and kicks his feet against the grass under the bench.

“You ok?” Blake asks Alec after a few minutes, noticing that Alec has just been staring at the ground the whole time.

“Fuck,” Alec says, looking up and blinking slowly. “I’m high.”

“Yeah, that was kinda what we were going for,” Blake says. Alec shakes his head.

“I shouldn’t have drank before this,” he says. “I always forget how much smoking fucks me up when I’m drunk.”

“When the fuck did you have time to get drunk?” Blake asks. “Didn’t you come here right from school?”

“While I was waiting for you,” Alec says. “I have more booze in my bag if you want some.”

“No,” Blake says. “I have to drive Finn home eventually. And I don’t think it’s a good idea for Finn to get crossfaded his first time getting high.”

“Good call,” Alec says. He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees, pressing his palms against his eyes.

"You gonna be ok to drive home?” Blake asks.

“Mmhmm,” Alec replies. “I’ll be fine in a bit.” Blake nods, but he doesn’t seem convinced.

“Ok, but let me know if you want a ride. You know I worry about you driving.”

“I know,” Alec says.

Finn feels like he should be more concerned about the idea of Blake driving him home, but he’s just high enough not to care. Besides, Blake seems much less affected than Alec. If Finn hadn’t seen him smoke, he probably wouldn’t even know he was high.

After sitting a while longer, they get up to walk around. As soon as he stands up, Finn is aware that he’s high in a way he wasn’t before. Everything looks just slightly different than normal and he can’t quite figure out what to focus on. He follows Blake and Alec along a small dirt path out of the trees and back into the open park.

Blake walks over to an empty grassy area and sits down, then waits for Alec and Finn to sit next to him. The grass is slightly damp, but with the sun shining on them it feels nice. Blake lies down and stares at the sky.

“It’s nice for fall,” Blake says after a moment. “Warmer than normal. Less rainy.”

“It’s pretty,” Finn says, lying down next to Blake.

Blake turns to Finn and smiles. Finn meets Blake’s eyes and looks at him for a few seconds before putting his arms over his face, trying to hide the fact that he’s blushing slightly. They stay there for a few minutes until Alec pulls his phone out to check the time.

“Shit,” he says. “I gotta go. My sister has a swim meet thing I promised I would be at.”

“Are your parents gonna be there?” Blake asks, propping himself up on his elbows.

“Yeah, they’ll drive her home, don’t worry,” Alec replies.

“That’s good, but I was mostly worried that they’d be mad at you for showing up high,” Blake says.

“They won’t know,” Alec says. “And even if they do, they won’t say anything in front of Abby.”

“And you’re sure you can drive?” Blake asks. Alec nods and stands up, slinging his bag over his shoulder.

“Blake, I’m good. I’ll see you tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok,” Blake says, lying back down.

“See ya Finn,” Alec says as he walks off toward his car.

“Bye,” Finn says. He waits until Alec is out of sight before he turns to Blake. “Is he gonna be ok?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, he’ll be fine,” Blake says. “Don’t worry about him.”

“He just seemed pretty messed up earlier,” Finn says. Blake laughs.

“Nah, that wasn’t bad at all.”

“Oh,” Finn says quietly.

“We’ve done edibles a few times, those’ll get you real fucked up,” Blake says. “And Alec has smoked way drunker than that before. He can handle it.”

“So you guys smoke a lot?” Finn asks. Blake had mentioned getting high a few times, but Finn wasn’t sure if it was something he did often or not.

“When I can afford it,” Blake replies. “Sometimes Leo will buy shit, but he doesn’t really smoke that often. And Alec buys alcohol for me since he’s eighteen, so I usually end up having to buy weed. And I’m fucking broke most of the time.”

“Don’t you have money from playing gigs?” Finn asks. He had been pleasantly surprised at the amount of money Blake had given him after his first few shows.

“Some,” Blake says. “But I gotta pay for petrol and cigs and shit. And I’ve been trying to save up some, just in case.”

Finn wants to ask what exactly Blake thinks is going to happen that he’ll need to save up for, but he feels like it would be too personal. Instead, he just lies in the grass and stares at the slow moving clouds, focusing on the slight fuzzy feeling in his head. After a few minutes of silence, Blake shifts slightly, moving just close enough for his arm to brush against Finn’s.

“Hey,” Blake says, “I’m glad you came with us.”

“Me too,” Finn says.

“I didn’t know if you would even say yes when I asked.” Blake pauses for a second. “Fuck, Leo’s gonna be pissed at me for getting you high.”

“Why?”

“He already thinks I’m being a bad influence or whatever. It’s like he doesn’t remember how much of this shit he did at your age.”

Blake is quiet for a moment and Finn doesn’t know if he should say something or not. Their arms are still touching, and Finn can’t stop thinking about it. He’s worried to move or say anything in case Blake pulls away from him.

“Do you want me not to tell him?” Finn finally asks.

“I dunno,” Blake says with a sigh. “It’s just, Leo acts like he’s so fucking responsible because he barely gets drunk or high or whatever anymore. But he used to. Just as much as me and Alec.” He pauses. “Well, not as much as Alec.” He pauses again, running his hand through his hair for a moment. “God, I worry about Alec.”

“I thought you said he was fine,” Finn says.

“I meant fine like he’ll make it home tonight. Hopefully.”

Finn had noticed that Alec drank a lot, but before all this he hadn’t really been exposed to drinking that much, so he assumed he was overreacting. But if Blake was worried, then Finn was pretty sure that meant it was actually bad.

“That doesn’t sound fine,” Finn says.

“Trust me, there’s nothing you can do. I’ve tried,” Blake says. He sighs again. “Sorry. You’re probably never gonna want to get high with me again. I promise I’m usually not this much of a downer.”

“It’s ok,” Finn says. “I just like spending time with you.”

Blake smiles slightly but his eyes are sad and Finn is worried that maybe that was the wrong thing to say. After a few more minutes, Blake sits up and sits cross-legged in the grass, resting his head in his hands for a moment before pulling his phone out of his pocket and looking at it.

“When do you need to be home?” he asks Finn.

“Before dinner,” Finn says. “So like, six?”

“I should get you back then,” he says. “It’s a bit after five and I don’t want to cut things too close.”

“Ok."

Chapter Text

One year earlier

Blake has been up for almost an hour, sitting on the floor on his laptop, by the time Alec wakes up. He notices Alec sit up and look around, confused. His eyes finally stop and rest on Blake.

“Why am I in your room?” Alec asks after a moment.

“Good morning to you too,” Blake says. “I didn’t know your address and I didn’t want to leave you out on the street all night, so you stayed here.”

“Did you not ask me for my address?” Alec asks.

“I mean, you were really fucked up last night. You were barely awake, let alone capable of giving directions.”

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Alec says.

“It’s fine,” Blake replies. “Do you remember much?” Alec shakes his head.

“I think I remember like the first hour we were out, but nothing really after that.”

“Honestly, I’m not surprised. Like I said, you were really out of it.”

“Did I do anything stupid?” Alec asks.

“Not really. You puked, but you did it outside, so it wasn’t too bad. Mostly we just talked some and danced and shit but like, nothing crazy. Leaving was the worst part. We were like the last people there and I basically had to drag you out. I thought for sure you would pass out on the drive home, but you managed to stay awake until we got here.”

“You drove us home? I remember you drinking,” Alec says. Blake shrugs.

“I stopped pretty early. We didn’t leave until nearly three, so I was basically sober by then.”

“I’m really, really sorry you had to deal with me,” Alec says.

“It’s fine,” Blake replies. “My dad doesn’t give a shit if I have people over or come home late. I’d rather know you were here safe, especially after how much you drank. I don’t think I saw you without a drink the entire night. And we were there for a long time.”

“Yeah, I probably shouldn’t have had so much,” Alec says, looking down at his hands. Blake shrugs.

“I mean, probably. I’ve gotten blackout drunk a few times. It’s scary, but you seem pretty fine now.”

“Except for a fucking awful hangover,” Alec replies.

“You want some pain killers?” Blake asks. “I’m sure I have some somewhere.”

“I’m ok. I should really get home. I’m sure my parents are freaking out.”

“Yeah, I can drive you if you want,” Blake says.

“That would be great. Again, I’m so sorry for last night.”

“Alec, it’s not a big deal. Plus, now I’ll know your address just in case,” Blake says. Alec smiles slightly.

“Yeah, well, let’s hope you won’t need to do anything like this again.”

It happens again two weeks later. Then a week after that. Eventually it becomes routine, Blake staying until almost everyone else has left the bar or party, helping Alec stumble out the door and into his car or a cab. They don’t ever talk about it beyond Blake texting Alec the morning after to make sure he’s ok. Blake doubts Alec even remembers most of what happens anyway.

Blake knows it’s bad. A few times he’s tried to keep up with Alec, ordering drink after drink until the room is spinning and he can’t think straight. But he always stops and Alec doesn’t, and it scares him.

After another long night, Blake wakes up and checks his phone anxiously. He waits until after two before he starts to worry. He texts Alec again. Nothing. So he gets in his car and drives the now familiar route to Alec’s house, his hands shaking all the way there.

He walks up to the door. Everything looks different in the daylight. He rings the doorbell and waits. After what feels like hours, the door swings open and Alec is standing there wearing the same shirt from the night before.

“Oh thank god,” Blake says. “I thought you were fucking dead.” Alec just stares at him for a moment.

“No,” he finally says. “Not dead.” He pauses. “You wanna come in?”

“Sure,” Blake replies. He realizes he’s never actually been inside Alec’s house before. He follows Alec up the stairs to his room and Alec pushes the door open.

“Sorry for the mess,” Alec says.

“It’s fine.”

Blake is used to the mess, his own room is far from clean. That isn’t what he notices. What he notices is the half empty bottle of vodka on Alec’s dresser. And the two other empty bottles on the floor. His heart sinks. Getting blackout drunk every weekend was bad enough. But this was worse. Alec sits down on his bed.

“Hey,” Blake says. “I know this is probably not something you want to talk about, but uh, I’ve been kind of worried about you. With the whole drinking thing.” Alec lies back on his bed and looks up at the ceiling instead of at Blake.

“Yeah, you’re right,” Alec says. “I don’t want to talk about it.”

“I just don’t want anything bad to happen to you,” Blake says.

“I’m fine.”

“Alec-“

“I said I’m fine.”

Blake walks over to the bed.

“Can I sit?” he asks. Alec nods and Blake pushes aside Alec’s crumpled up sheets to make room. They sit quietly for a few minutes until Alec props himself up on his elbows and turns to Blake.

“Sorry I didn’t text back. I must’ve read the text and fallen back asleep or something.”

“You were in bad shape last night. I was worried something had happened,” Blake says.

“I know I’ve been shitty. You shouldn’t have to keep doing this.”

“I don’t mind,” Blake says. “I care about you. I want you to be ok.” Alec looks at Blake for a minute, like he’s not quite sure what to say.

“Thanks,” he finally says.

After their conversation things get a bit better. Alec doesn’t stop drinking but most nights he’s able to at least talk to Blake by the time they go home instead of sitting slumped up against the passenger seat window. And he always texts Blake back the next day.

Blake tries not to worry about it, tries to push the empty bottles and long nights out of his mind. But he can’t. Alec shows up to school most days coated in the faint smell of alcohol underneath his cologne. And Blake pretends to ignore it. Either no one else notices or they’re all too afraid to say anything.

One day after band practice Blake decides he needs to do something. But he knows Alec won’t listen to him, so he asks Leo to stay behind after Alec and Dan leave.

“What’s up?” Leo asks, looking concerned.

“I’m worried about Alec,” Blake says.

“Why?” Leo asks. Blake wonders if he really hasn’t noticed or if he’s just trying to seem nonchalant.

“I’m worried about his drinking,” Blake says. “I mean, you’ve seen how much he has when we’re out.”

“You drink a lot too,” Leo replies. Blake shakes his head.

“Not as much as he does. And I only drink on the weekends.”

“Have you talked to him?” Leo asks.

“I tried. He says he’s fine.”

“Maybe he is fine.”

“You don’t drink to the point of blacking out every week and show up to school drunk if you’re fine, Leo,” Blake says.

“What do you want me to do?” Leo asks.

“I don’t know. I don’t know what to do. I’m just worried something is gonna happen to him.”

“I can try and talk to him,” Leo suggests.

“Would you?” Blake asks. “Maybe if he hears it from someone else he’ll take it more seriously.”

“Yeah, sure. I don’t mind.”

“Thanks."

Blake is standing by the back door of the school smoking after lunch when Alec walks up to him.

“What the fuck dude?” Alec says.

“What?” Blake says, confused.

“You told Leo to come lecture me about the dangers of alcohol,” Alec says, leaning against the wall and crossing his arms.

“I didn’t tell him to do that,” Blake says. “I told him I was worried about you. And I am.”

“I told you, I’m fine. I got that you didn’t want to keep dealing with me when I was drunk so I cut back. Why are you still on my ass about this?”

“It wasn’t about that, Alec,” Blake says. “It’s about the fact that getting wasted every weekend isn’t good. And showing up to school drunk every day sure as hell isn’t good either.”

“I don’t show up to school drunk.”

“Don’t fucking lie to me,” Blake says. “I’m not stupid. Just because you act sober doesn’t mean that drinking every morning is fine.”

“I don’t get why you care so much about this,” Alec says. “I show up to band practice, I play the fucking drum parts, I go to shows.”

“I care about it because I care about you Alec. Not just as a part of the band. As a person. As my friend.”

Alec just stands there for a moment, watching Blake. Blake takes a final drag of his cigarette before tossing it on the ground and stomping it with his boot.

“I’m going back inside,” Blake says. “You’re welcome to come with me.”

Blake brushes past Alec and opens the door. He holds it for a few seconds until Alec sighs and follows him.

“I’m sorry,” Alec says as they walk down the hall. “I shouldn’t have gotten so upset.”

“I probably should’ve talked to you instead of telling Leo,” Blake says. “I just didn’t think you’d listen.”

“I can handle my own shit,” Alec replies. “Don’t worry so much about me, ok?” Blake just stares at the ground.

“I’m always here if you want to talk about anything,” Blake finally says.

“Ok,” Alec replies. “But right now we’re gonna be late to class. I’ll see you after school.”

Chapter Text

Leo and Finn decide to go dance for a few minutes, leaving Blake and Alec sitting at the bar. Blake knows he’s had too much to drink from the way the lights aren’t quite in focus and the music feels far away, but he doesn’t mind. He feels good. Like he can breathe. He looks over at Alec, who looks sort of miserable, but he always looks sort of miserable, Blake thinks.

“So,” Blake says, “you gonna try and get laid tonight?” Alec looks at him like he’s speaking a foreign language.

“I wasn’t planning on it, no,” Alec replies. “Why?”

“I dunno,” Blake says, resting his elbows on the bar top. “I was just thinking, I can’t remember the last time you hooked up with anyone. No girlfriend, no hookups, must get lonely.”

“I’m fine,” Alec says. “And it’s none of your business who I’m shagging anyway.”

“I’m just tryin’ to help. I could be like, your wingman or something.”

“That’s nice Blake but really, I’m fine. I’m not in the mood to chat up some girl tonight.”

“Come on Alec, lemme help you out.” Blake pauses, looks down at the bar top. “If you don’t wanna talk to someone, I have another idea.” He gives Alec a playful grin.

“What?” Alec asks, twirling the empty glass in front of him nervously.

“I could suck you off,” Blake says. Alec stares at him, not quite processing what Blake just suggested. “I mean, it wouldn’t be as good as a proper fuck but it’s gotta be better than your own hand, ya know?”

“Blake, you’re drunk,” Alec says.

“So are you,” Blake replies. Alec shakes his head.

“We should go home.”

“Come on,” Blake says, “I’m just trying to be nice.”

He leans closer to Alec and places his hand gently on the other boy’s thigh. Alec tenses slightly but doesn’t move away. Blake’s not entirely wrong, it has been a long time since Alec’s been with anyone and he hates that Blake’s touch feels so nice.

“This is a terrible idea,” Alec says after a moment. Blake just looks at him, his hand still resting on Alec’s leg.

“What’s a terrible idea?”

Alec turns around, pushing Blake’s hand off of him, and sees Leo and Finn standing behind them. Finn’s face is slightly flushed and both of them have a soft sheen of sweat on their faces. Leo looks at him expectantly, waiting for an answer.

“Blake is very drunk,” Alec says. “We should go.”

“Is everything alright?” Leo asks. Alec glances over at Blake.

“Everything’s great,” Blake says. “And I’m not that drunk.”

“You just offered to suck my cock,” Alec retorts. He regrets it immediately when he sees the looks on Leo and Finn’s faces.

“Yeah, we should go,” Leo says after a moment. Finn just stands still, eyes wide. “Come on,” Leo says to Blake, pulling on his arm. “We’re leaving.”

“You’re no fun,” Blake says, but he stands up anyway, holding onto the bar for a moment to find his balance.

Leo: so are we gonna talk about last night???

Blake: I would prefer not to

Leo: that was more of a rhetorical question

Leo: we need to talk about it

Finn: Leo’s right

Finn: sorry Blake

Blake: you guys can talk all you want

Blake: I don’t have anything to say

Leo: Blake

Leo: come on

Alec: I can’t believe I’m saying this but

Alec: I agree with Blake

Alec: we really don’t need to talk about this

Leo: ignoring things isn’t a healthy way to deal with them

Blake: idk it seems like a better idea than whatever… this…. is

Finn: if we don’t talk about it it’s gonna be weird

Blake: you guys are the ones making it weird

Alec: yeah this is making it weirder

Leo: things are gonna be awkward between you two no matter what

Leo: maybe this will help

Leo: and even if it doesn’t, I think there’s some other stuff to address

Blake: like?

Leo: like the fact that you’re getting extremely drunk every time we have a show at a bar

Leo: or the fact that when you’re not propositioning Alec you’re hooking up with random girls even though you have a girlfriend

Leo: and you refuse to talk about anything even though something is clearly going on

Blake: what is this, fucking intervention??

Finn: we’re just worried about you

Blake: well I didn’t ask you to worry about me

Blake: I’m fine

Alec: no one’s buying that Blake

Blake: you don’t get to talk Alec

Blake: no one’s gonna mention the fact that Alec hasn’t been sober in fucking months??

Blake: he drinks more than me you know

Alec: yeah but I don’t do stupid shit when I’m drunk

Blake: that’s because it takes you five drinks to even get buzzed

Leo: ok

Leo: maybe this isn’t a conversation for text

Blake: you think???

***

A little over a month after joining the band, Finn finally works up the courage to ask Blake to hang out outside of band practice, just the two of them. He had spent the entire morning thinking of the perfect phrasing and running the scenario through his head over and over, anxious about saying the wrong thing. But to his surprise, Blake had accepted his offer without any hesitation.

They walk into Finn’s room and Blake looks around for a moment before sitting on Finn’s bed.

“Nice place ya got here,” he says, gesturing around.

“Thanks,” Finn says.

He plops down on the other end of the bed. They sit for a moment, Blake surveying the room and Finn watching him.

“So, what are we gonna do?” Blake asks.

“Umm, I don’t know,” Finn says. “What do you want to do?”

“Well usually when I’m hanging out with Leo or Alec, we play music or listen to music, and more often than not we also drink or get high. Or go out somewhere. But I’m assuming that’s not gonna work out too well for you.”

“Yeah, sorry,” Finn says, nervously running his fingers through his hair.

Why did he think it was a good idea to invite Blake over? Beyond music he doesn’t know if they really have anything in common and he hates the idea that Blake might find him boring.

“We could listen to music though,” Finn offers. “Or I have my guitar and bass if you want to play.”

“You know what,” Blake says, “why don’t we just chat for a bit? I feel like we never talk just the two of us.”

“Yeah, alright,” Finn says. “That sounds nice.” Blake nods and reaches into his pocket before stopping.

“Actually, can I see your guitar?” he says. “Just to keep my hands busy.” Finn nods and stands up to grab it from its case. He hands it to Blake who immediately starts softly playing.

“Thanks,” Blake says. “Just remembered I can’t smoke here.”

“Oh,” Finn says. “We can go outside if you need to.”

“No, it’s fine. Maybe in a bit.”

Finn sits back down on the bed, slightly closer to Blake this time. He listens to him play for a moment. It’s not any particular song as far as he can tell, just snippets of different things stuck together at random, but it’s still pretty.

“So,” Blake says, “how have things been with you?”

“Good,” Finn replies. “Yeah, pretty good. I mean, busy and all with the band stuff, but a good kind of busy. How about you?”

“Alright,” Blake says. Finn wants to comment that he knows things haven’t exactly been alright lately, but he just nods. “School’s shit as always though,” Blake offers after a moment.

“Yeah,” Finn says with a small smile. “But you’re almost done. I’ve still got two more years after this.”

“Maybe we’ll make it big and then you can drop out,” Blake says. He smiles at Finn. “We can always dream.” Finn smiles back.

“My parents would hate that,” Finn says. “They want me to go to uni.”

“Christ that sounds like a drag. Finish school and then go on to more school.”

“What are you planning on doing? I mean, if we don’t become ultra famous.”

“Work. Probably get a shit job and keep up with the band as long as it lasts. We’ve made decent money just doing shows around. I’ll keep at it until the rest of you quit on me,” Blake says. Finn tries to imagine Blake working a normal job, but he can’t picture it.

“Well, you’ve got me for at least two years,” Finn says.

“Have I told you how nice it is to have you in the band?” Blake asks. “Because I know I can be kinda, ya know….” He gestures vaguely. “But I do really like having you.” Finn feels his face get warm and he hopes he’s not visibly blushing.

“Thanks,” he says, his voice soft. “I really like being in the band too.”

“Good,” Blake says. He keeps playing the guitar and they sit for a minute before he speaks again. “This is one of Emily’s favorite songs,” he says, playing part of something Finn recognizes but can’t recall the name of.

“How is she?” Finn asks.

“Good,” Blake says. “We went out to the movies the other day. Saw some drama action something or other.”

“Sounds like it really left an impression,” Finn says.

“Well, we didn’t really spend much time watching the movie,” Blake replies with a smirk.

“Oh,” Finn says. Blake laughs.

“You don’t have a girlfriend, do you?” he asks.

“No. No girlfriend.”

“Any girls you like?” Blake asks. Finn hesitates. He feels like saying no would be odd even if it’s the truth.

“I mean there’s a couple girls in my year that are alright,” he says. “But I don’t know.”

“Well, I could always try and set you up with someone,” Blake offers. “Course everyone I know would be older since you’re so young.”

“I’m only two years younger than you,” Finn says defensively. Blake laughs.

“I know. I guess you just seem young because you’re so, I don’t know, innocent, I guess. That’s not the right word but you know what I mean.”

Finn isn’t quite sure how he feels about being called innocent. He does know what Blake means though. All of Blake’s other friends are the kind of people who party and drink and hook up with girls all the time. And Finn isn’t. Before he met Blake he had barely been exposed to that sort of thing. But it still makes him a bit upset that Blake thinks of him that way.

“Anyway,” Blake says after a pause, “if you ever need a date, I can help you out.”

“Thanks,” Finn says. “I guess I’m just not too interested in dating anyone right now.” It’s not the truth, but Finn can’t exactly tell Blake that he’s the only person Finn is interested in dating.

“That’s what friends are for,” Blake says with a smile.

***

Finn sits on the floor of Blake’s room, listening to Blake play a new song he had written. He knows he should probably be trying to think of a bass part, but he finds himself focusing on the words instead of the music.

Thoughts swallow me like the ocean

Sharks circle me but I can’t hide

Pull me down into the feelings I can’t ignore

Pull me down until I can’t feel anymore

Blake strums the last chord and stands up, placing his guitar back on its stand.

“Alright then, that’s the song. I’ll send you all a copy of the chords and what not so you can start figuring out your own parts.”

Leo and Alec nod. Finn sits there, his mind still poring over the lyrics, over the way Blake sang. He feels like someone reached into his chest and twisted his heart into a knot.

“If no one has anything else, practice is over,” Blake says. No one says anything and Blake nods. “Great. Now get the hell out of my room.” Leo and Alec stand up, but Finn stays seated on the floor.

“I’ll meet you outside,” Finn says to Leo. “I’ve gotta pack all my stuff up, could take a minute.” Leo nods and follows Alec out the door.

“Never takes you long to pack up,” Blake says, watching Finn closely as he places his bass in its case.

“I know,” Finn replies.

“So what do you want?” Blake asks. Finn bites his lip, a bit annoyed that his plan to stay and talk to Blake was so obvious.

“Just wanted to make sure you’re alright is all,” he says. Blake wrinkles his brow.

“Why?”

“I mean, ya know, that song you sang was just, kinda,” he pauses for a second trying to choose the right words. “It just seemed like maybe there’s something going on. That you might want to talk about.” Blake smirks.

“It’s just a song, Finn. Don’t think about it so much.”

“Oh, ok.” But something about the way Blake watches him as he leaves makes it impossible for Finn not to think about it.

***

“So, um,” Finn says to Leo, picking at his thumb nail nervously, “what’s the deal with Blake’s mom? I would’ve asked him, but I didn’t know if it was like, a weird subject or whatever.”

“Oh yeah,” Leo says. “She’s dead.”

“Oh,” Finn says softly. He pauses for a moment. “Like, recently? Or…?”

“No,” Leo says, shaking his head. “Long time ago. When he was really young. I don’t think he really remembers her much. Or at least he never talks about her.”

They sit quietly for a few minutes as Leo drives.

“Do you think he would’ve been upset if I asked him?” Finn asks.

“I’m not sure,” Leo replies. “Probably not. But you never really know with him. I don’t think I ever asked him; it probably just came up after a while. Actually, I’m pretty sure his dad said something about it.” Leo pauses. “Have you met his dad?”

“No.”

“Yeah, he’s not around much. Or at least Blake doesn’t invite people over when he is. He’s always been polite to me, but I’ve only really talked to him a handful of times. Blake kind of hates him though.”

“Oh,” Finn says, not quite sure how to respond. “Why? Is he like strict or something?”

“No. They just, they don’t have a great relationship. I don’t know if Blake would want me telling you anything more specific than that.”

Finn wants to push the issue further, but he doesn’t. He just nods and then stares out the window for the rest of the drive back to his house.

Chapter Text

Approximately two years earlier

By lunchtime Leo hasn’t seen Blake, and he’s starting to wonder if he decided to skip school today. He’s about to take his phone out to text Blake when he spots him across the room. It takes a moment for Blake to see him but once he does, he walks straight over and sits down at the table.

“Hey,” Blake says.

“Hey,” Leo replies. “Where have you been?”

“I missed the bus,” Blake says. “I had to walk, so I was late.”

“That’s a long walk,” Leo says. Blake shrugs.

“I guess.”

They sit quietly for a while. Leo tries to pay attention to their other friends’ conversation, but he keeps glancing back at Blake. Something seems off. Blake notices Leo staring at him and raises his eyebrows.

“You good?” Blake asks, quiet enough so no one else notices. Leo looks at him for a moment.

“What happened to your glasses?” Leo asks, pointing at a small piece of dark tape around the edge of the frames.

“Oh,” Blake says. “They broke.”

“Yeah, I can see that. How?”

“They just, fell off,” Blake says, looking away from Leo. “It’s not a big deal.”

“Ok,” Leo says softly.

Leo is walking out of the building after school when Blake runs up to him.

“Can I come over to your house?” Blake asks. “Please?” he adds after a moment of silence.

“I have to ask my mom, but if she says yes, then sure,” Leo says.

“Cool,” Blake replies.

Blake doesn’t say anything else while they stand and wait for Leo’s mom to arrive. He trails a few feet behind Leo as they walk up to the car. Leo opens the passenger door.

“Hi mom,” Leo says. “Could Blake come over?” Blake waves at her sheepishly.

“Leo, it’s a school night,” his mom says.

“We’ll get our work done,” Leo says. “Promise.” She hesitates for a moment before sighing and nodding.

“Alright,” she says. “Blake, is your dad ok with you coming over?”

Blake hesitates for a moment before answering and Leo can tell he hasn’t asked.

“Yeah, he’s fine with it,” Blake replies.

“Alright. Will you be staying for dinner?” Leo’s mom asks.

“I don’t want to impose too much,” Blake says. “But if you’ll have me, I’d love to.”

“Of course you can stay,” Leo’s mom says.

“Thank you so much,” Blake replies.

Leo sits in the front passenger seat and Blake gets in the car behind him. Leo answers a few questions from his mom about school before they all drift into silence.

“Is your dad gonna be mad that you’re here?” Leo asks once they’re in his room with the door shut.

“He doesn’t care,” Blake replies. “Besides, he’s already mad at me. That’s kind of why I asked if I could come over in the first place. I don’t really want to go home right now.”

“Oh,” Leo says. “What happened?”

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Blake replies.

“Does it have anything to do with you being late? Or your glasses?”

“I said I don’t want to talk about it,” Blake snaps. He pushes his hair back and puts his hand on his forehead. “Sorry,” he mumbles after a moment. “It’s been a long day.”

“You know you can tell me if something’s going on,” Leo says.

“It’s fine,” Blake says. “Just dumb shit.”

“It doesn’t sound fine.” Leo pauses. “Blake, I’m serious. You can tell me. I won’t tell anyone else, promise.”

Blake sighs.

“Fine,” he says. “He went through some of my shit and found things I wasn’t supposed to have.” Leo wants to ask what, but he has a pretty good idea of the kinds of things Blake is talking about. “So he was yelling at me about it this morning and I said some dumb stuff and it was a whole thing. And my glasses got broken and I missed the fucking bus and I had to walk to school because he sure as hell wasn’t gonna drive me and I sure as hell wasn’t gonna give him another reason to be pissed off by skipping.”

“He hit you?” Leo asks.

“I didn’t say that,” Blake replies.

“But your glasses….”

“Leo, don’t.”

“Are you ok? Like, are you hurt or anything?”

“I’m fine.”

“Blake, this is serious. Like, I know you’ve never gotten along, but this is bad. You should talk to someone.”

Blake takes a deep breath.

“You promised you wouldn’t tell anyone, remember?” Blake says.

“I know, but-“

“Don’t,” Blake says firmly.

“I’m your friend. I want to help you,” Leo says.

“Then don’t say anything,” Blake replies. He pauses for a moment before speaking again. “Leo, what do you think is gonna happen if you do? What’s the best-case scenario for me? He gets in trouble? And then what? I don’t have any other family. Or no one believes what I say, like always, and nothing happens. And then I’m even more fucked.”

“You could stay with me,” Leo says.

“Yeah, I’m sure your parents would love that,” Blake replies sarcastically. “Look, it’s not gonna happen again. I just gotta be more careful.”

Leo bites his lip anxiously.

“You’ll tell me though?” Leo asks. “If it happens again?” Blake nods.

“I’ll tell you,” he says.

“Ok,” Leo says softly. “I won’t say anything.”

***

Leo is sitting on the floor of his bedroom with Blake and Dan, trying to figure out if this is what being high feels like, or if he’s just tricking himself into feeling different. He doesn’t really know what to expect, although he imagines it must be something like being drunk.

Then, he hears a noise coming from downstairs and he freezes, listening carefully. There’s a brief moment of silence and then the sound of footsteps coming up the stairs.

“Shit,” he says, turning to Blake and Dan. “Someone’s home.”

“I thought you said your parents would be at work,” Dan says, looking almost as panicked as Leo feels.

“They should be,” Leo replies. “What do we do?”

"Give me my shit,” Blake says, holding his hand out.

It takes Leo a few seconds to realize what Blake is talking about before he grabs the pipe and grinder that Blake had brought and hands them to him. Blake shoves them into his bag and zips it closed just before there’s a knock on Leo’s bedroom door.

“Yeah?” Leo says, trying to sound as normal as possible.

The door opens and Leo’s dad is standing there in his work clothes.

“Oh, hello,” his dad says when he sees Blake and Dan sitting on the floor with Leo. “Did we say you could have friends over, Leo?”

“I-“ Leo stammers.

He hadn’t asked. Mostly because he thought the house would be empty and he didn’t want his parents to ask questions about what they’d been doing. He knows it would’ve been easy to lie about, but the whole thing had put him on edge.

When Blake had told him and Dan that he’d gotten weed from someone, Leo had initially wanted to just say no. Tell Blake he wasn’t interested, and he didn’t want to try it. But the way Blake talked about the friend he’d gotten it from, about how he was older and did lots of things that Leo had never done, made Leo willing to try. He didn’t want Blake to think he was boring.

So he said yes. And when Blake said that they couldn’t go to his house since his dad was already mad at him for something, Leo told him that his parents would be gone for a few hours after they got out of classes.

“I thought since it’s just Blake and Dan…” Leo says quietly. “You know them.”

“It’s a school night,” his dad says with a frown.

Leo freezes. He doesn’t know what to say and his thoughts aren’t working like they should. He just stares at his dad blankly for a moment before speaking.

“Sorry,” Leo says softly. “I thought it would be ok.”

“Next time-“ his dad pauses and wrinkles his face slightly. “What’s that smell?”

Leo looks at Blake with wide eyes and Blake just shakes his head quickly.

“I-I don’t know,” Leo says, his heart pounding.

“Were you smoking in here?” his dad asks.

Leo doesn’t respond. He doesn’t even know what he would say. His dad sighs heavily.

“Ok, I think it’s time for Blake and Dan to go home,” he says. His voice is harsh and it has an edge that scares Leo a little.

All three of the boys sit in stunned silence for a few seconds, not wanting to move. Leo wants to argue, to try and convince his dad to let them stay just so he can put off being yelled at for a little longer. But he doesn’t.

“Let’s go,” his dad says. “Come on.”

They all reluctantly get up. Everyone is silent as they walk out of the house and get into Leo’s dad’s car. They’re almost halfway to Dan’s house when his dad finally speaks to them.

“Will either of your parents be home, Dan?”

Dan hesitates for a moment before answering.

“My mom,” Dan says.

“Ok,” Leo’s dad says. “I’ll walk you to the door. I’m going to let her know what’s going on.”

Leo glances into the backseat; Dan seems surprisingly calm given the situation, but Blake’s face is pale and he’s staring at the seat in front of him with a panicked expression. Dan nods slowly.

Leo is almost upset by how little Dan seems affected. He knows Dan’s parents are a lot less strict than his. Maybe it’s that Dan has an older brother who got into far more trouble than he has, or maybe he’s just lucky, but either way Leo doubts he’ll even get in any real trouble for this.

While his dad walks Dan to his house, Leo considers saying something to Blake, something to try and make him feel better, but he can’t think of the words. So they just sit in silence until his dad gets back in the car and starts driving.

“Blake-“ Leo’s dad starts to say, but Blake cuts him off quickly.

“Please don’t tell my dad,” he says.

“Is he home right now?”

“No. He’s at work. But you’ll still want to call him or something, right?”

“I think he should know about this.”

“Please don’t tell him. Please. He’ll kill me. I won’t ever do anything bad with Leo ever again. I promise.”

“Blake, this is serious. Your father needs to know.”

Blake doesn’t say anything, he just holds his head in his hands and stares at the floor until they pull up in front of his house.

“You’re sure your father isn’t home?” Leo’s dad asks.

“I’m sure,” Blake replies. “His car isn’t here.”

“Ok, then I’ll just let you out. But I’m going to call him this evening and tell him what happened.”

Blake looks at Leo pleadingly for a moment before he gets out of the car and walks away without a goodbye. Leo’s dad sighs and turns to Leo.

“I’m really disappointed in you, Leo,” he says.

Leo knows he should apologize, say he regrets it, that it was a huge mistake and it will never happen again. But all he can think about is the fear on Blake’s face.

“You can’t call Blake’s dad,” Leo says.

“Leo, he needs to learn that there are consequences to his actions.”

“Please. I’ll be grounded twice as long.”

“That’s not how this works. It’s nice that you want to help your friend, but it’s my responsibility to make sure his father knows that he’s making these kinds of harmful choices.”

“You don’t understand,” Leo says. “He’s gonna hurt him.”

“He’s not going to hurt him. Blake is exaggerating because he doesn’t want to get in trouble.”

“No, I’m serious. I’m not just saying it. Blake said he’d be ok as long as he was careful, but now….”

Leo feels like he might cry. This is his fault. He should have known better. He should have protected Blake. His dad hesitates for a moment, like he’s rethinking things.

“Leo, what did Blake tell you?”

Leo doesn’t answer for a few seconds. He remembers Blake begging him not to tell anyone. But he can’t let him get hurt. He can’t.

“His dad hit him,” Leo says quietly. “He didn’t want to tell anyone, and he said it wouldn’t happen again as long as he was careful, but I don’t want him to get hurt.”

“That’s a pretty serious accusation,” his dad says.

“I’m not lying,” Leo replies. “I wouldn’t lie about that.”

“I don’t think you’re lying. But I’ve spoken with Blake’s father quite a few times and from what he’s said, Blake isn’t an easy kid to deal with. Especially as an only parent-“

“So you’re saying it’s ok for him to do that?” Leo says angrily, cutting him off.

“No, that’s not what I’m saying,” his dad replies. “I’m saying that Blake might not be telling you exactly what happened.”

Leo doesn’t know what to say. He would never even consider that Blake would lie about any of this.

Leo lies in his bed, feeling numb. He isn’t sure if it’s just from his conversation with his dad or if he’s still a little high, but either way he feels a little like he’s floating above himself. He isn’t sure how long it is before his mom comes home, but he hears her walk up the stairs and start talking to his dad. He can tell they’re trying to be quiet, but he can still hear most of what they’re saying.

“I came home early, and Leo had Blake and Dan here. They had been smoking marijuana,” his dad says.

His mom says something in response, too quietly for him to make out.

“Wait until dinner,” his dad says. “I already talked with him. He knows he’s going to be grounded, but I wanted to wait for you to decide on an exact punishment.”

“Do you think we should do something else?” his mom asks. “I mean, he needs to realize this is serious.”

“Maybe.” His dad keeps talking but lowers his voice just enough that Leo can’t hear him. There’s silence for a moment, then he keeps talking quietly.

“What did she say?” his mom asks after a minute, slightly louder.

“Not much. She thanked me for bringing him home and telling her what happened, but that was all.”

“And Blake’s dad?”

“I haven’t called him yet. I was going to, but Leo told me….” He lowers his voice again.

Leo feels like he might cry again. He can tell that his dad doesn’t think what Blake said is true, and he’s worries that he’ll tell Blake’s dad anyway. His parents keep talking too quietly for him to hear for a minute before he can finally make out their conversation again.

“I know Leo is really close with him,” his dad says. “But I don’t think he’s a good influence.”

"He’s always been very polite when he’s here,” Leo’s mom replies. “And if what Leo said is true, then maybe it’s better if we don’t tell his dad about this.”

“I don’t want him to keep dragging Leo into trouble.”

“Let me talk with Leo,” his mom says. “He’s a good kid, Henry, even if he doesn’t always make the best choices. And if he trusts Blake, I think we need to trust him too.”

“Fine,” his dad says with a sigh. “You talk to him.”

“Leo?” his mom says softly, knocking on his door.

“Yeah?” Leo replies.

She opens the door and walks in. Leo sits up on his bed and looks at her. Her expression is more concerned than angry, especially when she sees his face. He assumes it must be obvious that he was crying. She walks over to his bed and smooths the sheets before sitting down next to him.

“I talked with your father,” she says. Leo doesn’t make eye contact.

“I know I’m grounded,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

“I’m sure you’ve been lectured enough for today,” she says. She puts her hand on his knee and waits for him to look at her. “We just want you to be safe, ok?”

“Ok.”

“And we want your friends to be safe too. That’s why your father wanted to tell their parents. He wanted them to be able to look out for Dan and Blake.”

Leo nods but doesn’t say anything.

“You’re a good friend, Leo. And we’re trusting that you know what will keep Blake safe. We’re not going to tell his father about this. But we need you to make good choices. And help Blake make good choices.”

“I will,” Leo says quietly.

His mom kisses his forehead, then stands up.

“I’m going to start on dinner.”

Leo nods and watches silently as she walks out of the room. He’s still upset, mostly because he knows he’ll be grounded for at least a week, but he’s also immensely relieved. He grabs his phone and types a quick text to Blake.

They aren’t going to call him.

It’s vague enough that even if his dad reads his texts he won’t be able to figure anything out. Blake responds almost immediately.

Thank you. I owe you big time.

Chapter Text

Finn sits anxiously on the couch, watching as his parents carefully read the papers in front of them. His dad takes his reading glasses off and looks over at him.

“You’re sure about this?” he asks. Finn nods immediately.

“I’m sure.”

“Because this is a serious commitment. I just want to make sure you know what you’re getting into.”

“I know, I read it,” Finn replies, a little annoyed.

Maybe he didn’t quite understand every single line of the contract they’d been offered, but that doesn’t matter. He knows the gist of it: they agree that the record label is the sole distributor of their music, they commit to at least three albums and tours, and in return, they have the chance to make it big. It seems like a no-brainer to him, but his parents have been hesitant to sign on his behalf.

Cam, the man from the label who would be their manager, has spoken with Finn’s parents several times, carefully answering questions he never would have even thought to ask. And now, almost a full two weeks after they got the offer, they finally seem convinced.

“And you know that this doesn’t mean you don’t need to take your academics seriously still, right?” his dad asks.

“Yeah, I know.”

“Ok. Well, if you’re sure this is what you want to do.”

“It is an amazing opportunity,” his mom says. “We just worry about you.”

“I’ll be fine,” Finn says. “You talked with Cam about like, every possible thing that could go wrong.”

“We’re trying to keep you safe, Finn,” his dad says. “This is a big deal.”

“I know. But this is really, really important to me.”

His parents look at each other, and his mom gives his dad a slight nod.

“Ok, get me a pen."

Finn smiles and almost jumps up from the couch.

Finn: they signed it!!!!

Leo: !!

Leo: that’s great news!

Blake: jesus, finally, took them long enough

Finn: yeah, they had like a million questions

Leo: my parents did too

Blake: idk why, it’s a good deal, we’d be stupid not to take it

Leo: they don’t want us to get taken advantage of

Leo: I think it’s smart to be cautious

Blake: I guess

Alec: so we’re all set then?

Blake: should be, yeah

Finn: so what now?

Leo: I think Cam already sorted out dates for us to go to their recording studio in London

Leo: it’ll be over spring half term

Finn: that’s super exciting!

Blake: I don’t get why we can’t just skip school and go sooner

Leo: because some of us have parents who would lose their mind if we did

Blake: ugh whatever

Blake: gives us more time to practice I guess

***

Blake and Emily are lying together in Blake’s bed for the first time in a while. He had been trying to make time to see her, but with the record deal and everything else going on, it had been hard to make their relationship a priority.

“Are you alright?” Emily asks, resting her head on Blake’s bare chest.

“I’m great,” Blake says. He gently strokes her dark hair. “I’m with you, aren’t I?”

“You’re sweet,” she says, smiling up at him. “But I’m worried about you. You seem, I don’t know, distant. Like you’re somewhere else.” Blake runs his hands along her back, feeling the heat of her skin.

“I guess there’s just a lot going on,” he says after a moment.

“You know you can talk to me,” Emily says.

Blake thinks about it, wonders what she would say if he told her everything. He pushes the idea away almost immediately.

“I know,” he says.

“I’m gonna miss you when you go to London,” Emily says after a moment.

“It’ll only be a week. I’d bring you with us if I could, but I doubt Cam would allow it.” Emily laughs.

“He’s a bit stuck up, isn’t he?” she says.

“Yeah, but he seems like a good manager. Even if he is no fun.”

“A week is still a long time,” Emily says.

“Then we better make the most out of the time we have now,” Blake says. He kisses the top of Emily’s head, and she nestles closer against his chest. “I love you Em,” he says.

“I love you too,” Emily replies, her voice muffled against Blake’s skin.

They stay like that for a while, feeling each other’s chests moving as they breathe, their hearts beating against one another.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been the best boyfriend lately,” Blake says. “You’re right, I’ve been distant. I just have some shit I’m trying to figure out and I don’t want to drag you into my mess.”

“Blake, I’m not just your girlfriend because you’re amazingly handsome,” Emily says with a small laugh. “I’m here for you, no matter how much of a mess you are.”

“Well, that’s good because we both know I’m a huge fucking mess,” Blake replies.

“But you’re my huge fucking mess,” Emily says, leaning up and kissing Blake’s cheek.

Blake tilts her chin up and kisses her on the lips; she kisses back and wraps her arms around his neck. They kiss for a while, pressing their bodies against one another, hands brushing each other’s skin, until Emily’s phone dings. She pulls away and picks it up, looking at the screen for a few seconds before putting it down.

“It’s my mom, she wants me home. I didn’t realize it was so late,” she says. Blake grabs his phone and looks at the time; it’s almost nine.

“She always has impeccable timing,” Blake says.

“She does, doesn’t she?” Emily says with a smile.

She gets up and grabs her clothes from Blake’s floor, pulling them on. Blake watches her get dressed. Even now, over two years since they first got together, he still wonders what exactly she sees in him. She finishes getting dressed and grabs her backpack, then walks back over to the bed and kisses Blake again.

“See you tomorrow,” she says. “Love ya.”

Chapter Text

Cam had apologized for having the four of them share just two rooms, but hotels in London weren’t cheap, and the company didn’t want to spend any more money than necessary. So Finn wasn’t too surprised to see the two small rooms with a single bed each waiting for them when they arrived. He was surprised, however, that Blake offered to room with him almost immediately.

Finn hadn’t thought too much about it throughout the rest of the day, they’d been far too busy. But now, alone in the room with Blake, he can feel his heart racing. Finn opens his suitcase and grabs some things out of the bag before going into the small bathroom to get ready for bed.

When he comes back into the room, Blake is sitting on the bed, wearing just his boxers and a t-shirt. He looks up from his phone when he hears Finn open the bathroom door.

“I hope it’s ok that I took this side of the bed,” Blake says. “I just need a place to put my glasses.” He motions to the single bedside table next to him.

“Yeah, that’s fine,” Finn says. “Do you want me to turn the light off?”

“I gotta brush my teeth and shit,” Blake says. “I’ll turn it off when I’m done, yeah?”

Finn nods and walks over to the empty side of the bed. He pulls the sheets back and lies down. After a few minutes Blake gets up and goes to the bathroom. Finn sets an alarm on his phone, then plugs it in to charge, setting it down on the floor next to the bed. He pulls the sheets and comforter up around him and closes his eyes.

Finn tries to calm down a bit, he’s exhausted from the long day, but he can’t get his mind to stop racing. He hears the bathroom door open and the light click off. A few seconds later he feels Blake lie down in the bed next to him. He opens his eyes, the room is only dimly illuminated by the lamp on the bedside table.

“Can I turn the light off?” Blake asks. Finn nods.

Blake takes his glasses off and places them on the bedside table, then clicks the lamp off. The shades to the window are drawn and the room seems impossibly dark.

“Night Finn,” Blake says.

“Night.”

Up until now, Finn hadn’t realized just how small the bed they’re sharing was. He can feel the heat radiating off of Blake’s body next to him, just inches away. Blake shifts slightly and his arm brushes against Finn’s.

“Sorry,” Blake mumbles.

Finn tries to stay as still as he can and he catches himself holding his breath for a few seconds too long. He exhales, trying to calm down enough to even think about sleeping. Blake moves again, flipping over so he’s facing Finn. Finn’s eyes have adjusted enough to the dim light that he can see Blake also has his eyes open.

“Hi,” Blake says, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Hi,” Finn replies.

Blake smiles slightly and Finn is painfully aware of how close together they are, of how easy it would be to press his lips against Blake’s. He feels his face getting warm and he hopes it’s too dark for Blake to see him blushing.

Finn rolls on his other side until he’s as close as he can get to the edge of the bed, facing away from Blake. He squeezes his eyes shut and tries to think of anything else except for Blake lying next to him. Then, Blake places his hand on Finn’s side and gently pulls him closer.

“You’re gonna fall off,” Blake says. “You don’t need to be so far away.”

“Ok,” Finn says softly.

He moves so he’s facing Blake again and Blake gives him a reassuring smile. Blake’s hand is still resting just above Finn’s hip and Finn can’t seem to focus on anything else.

“Go to sleep,” Blake says. His voice is almost mischievous, like he knows just how hard he’s making it for Finn to even think about sleeping.

Finn doesn’t respond. He just closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing, trying to keep it slow and even. He’s almost managed to quiet his thoughts down when Blake moves again, shifting even closer.

Finn can’t tell if Blake is asleep or not, but he knows he won’t be able to fall asleep like this. Not with the bare skin of their legs brushing together, not with Blake’s arm resting against him. He feels like his whole body is coursing with electricity and he’s embarrassingly hard. He moves his legs, trying to get more comfortable, and Blake moans softly. Finn feels his breath hitch in his throat.

“You’re making it hard to sleep, Finn,” Blake mumbles.

“Sorry,” Finn replies quietly.

He opens his eyes and sees that Blake is looking at him, his eyes half closed. After a moment, Blake moves his hand and brushes it against Finn’s cheek.

“God, you’re pretty,” Blake says softly.

Finn has no idea what to do. He wants more than anything to lean closer to Blake and kiss him, to close the last remaining distance between them. But instead he stays still, too nervous to do anything more than look at Blake.

Blake moves again, pressing his hips gently against Finn. Finn inhales sharply; Blake is hard too. Just the idea that Blake might want something to happen between them is enough to make Finn’s head spin. He knows he shouldn’t, but he finds himself pushing back against Blake.

“Oh,” Blake moans, his eyes falling shut.

They stay that way for a while, slowly moving against one another. Finn closes his eyes and focuses on the small movements, on Blake’s heavy breathing and the quiet sounds he makes every time Finn presses against him. Blake moves his hand down the slight curve of Finn’s hip and then brushes his fingers across the front of Finn’s boxers.

“Blake,” Finn says quickly.

“Hmm?” Blake replies. His head is partially buried against the pillow, muffling his voice.

“We should go to sleep.”

Finn doesn’t know how he’ll be able to sleep, still desperately hard, with Blake just inches away. Part of him wants to keep doing this, whatever this is, but he can’t. Not now, not with Blake who has a girlfriend and probably doesn’t even like boys and almost certainly doesn’t like Finn. At least not the way Finn likes him.

Blake sighs and pulls his hand away. He shifts away from Finn, just enough so they’re not touching anymore, and Finn immediately finds himself missing the contact.

“Night,” Blake mumbles. “Good luck falling asleep.”

Chapter Text

When Finn’s alarm goes off, Blake has one of his legs draped over Finn’s. Finn doesn’t want to move and disturb him, but his phone is slightly too far away to reach so he gets up and turns the alarm off. Blake barely moves.

“Blake,” Finn says. Blake doesn’t respond. “Blake,” Finn repeats, louder. “Time to get up.” Blake opens his eyes slightly, then throws his arm over his face and sighs.

“It’s fuckin’ early,” he says groggily.

“It’s nine,” Finn replies.

“Ugh.”

Finn sits back on the bed, looking at his phone and watching Blake out of the corner of his eye. Part of him wants Blake to acknowledge what happened between them last night, but Blake doesn’t say anything. He just puts his glasses on and gets up without another word.

By the time they meet up with Alec, Leo, and Cam for breakfast, Finn has accepted that Blake isn’t going to bring it up. So he tries to forget about it. But every time Blake looks at him, his stomach flips. He doesn’t understand how Blake can be so casual, laughing and joking around like everything is perfectly normal.

Once they finish breakfast, they walk a few blocks from the hotel to the recording studio. Cam gives them a brief tour of the building, then leads them to the room where they’ll be recording songs all week. Their instruments are already set up and Cam gives them a few minutes to make sure everything is good before they try and record the first song.

“Ok, let’s take a break,” Cam says after an hour or so of recording. “Be back in ten minutes.”

“I’m gonna go walk around a bit and maybe grab a coffee or something,” Leo says. “Anyone want to come with?”

“Yeah, I’ll come,” Alec says.

“I’ll come too,” Finn says.

“Wait,” Blake says. “Finn, I wanted to show you something real quick.”

“Oh, ok,” Finn replies.

“We’ll meet you back here,” Blake says to Leo before turning back to Finn. “Come on.”

Blake grabs Finn’s hand and pulls him toward the door. Finn waits until they’re a few steps down the hallway before saying anything.

“What do you want to show me?” he asks.

Blake laughs softly but doesn’t reply. He leads Finn down the hall a bit further, past the exit, and into a small room.

“Are we allowed to be in here?” Finn asks. Cam hadn’t shown them this part of the building earlier and he doesn’t want to get in trouble.

“It’s fine,” Blake says, still holding onto Finn’s hand. He turns the light on and closes the door.

“Blake, what-“ Finn starts to say.

And then Blake leans in and kisses him. For a moment, Finn’s mind goes blank. All he can think about is how Blake’s lips are just as soft and wonderful as he imagined. He knows he shouldn’t, but he finds himself kissing back. Blake’s hands are in his hair, on the back of his neck, brushing against his jaw. He pulls away.

“What are you doing?” Finn asks breathlessly. Blake’s face falls.

“You don’t want this?” he asks, looking confused and disappointed.

Finn swallows hard. He wants to say no, wants to tell Blake that whatever happened between them last night was a mistake and that he doesn’t want any of this. But it wasn’t. And now, with Blake standing in front of him, his lips glistening and wet, there’s nothing else he wants more.

“We shouldn’t,” Finn says softly.

As much as he wants this, he knows it’s wrong. He glances briefly at the door, thinking that maybe he should just walk out and pretend this never happened. But he doesn’t. Instead, he takes Blake’s hand and pulls him back toward him, easily finding his lips again.

Finn’s back is pressed against the wall and all he can feel is Blake’s lips and tongue, Blake’s hands caressing his back and sides, Blake’s hips pressing firmly against him. After a few minutes, Blake slides his hands down Finn’s hips, his fingers slipping just below Finn’s waistband.

“Wait,” Finn says, pulling back slightly, flustered. Blake keeps his hands where they are, his thumbs slowly tracing circles around Finn’s hipbones.

“Do you want me to stop?” Blake asks, his voice soft and smooth. Finn thinks about it for a moment before answering.

“N-no,” he says. “No, it’s ok.”

Blake smiles and looks into Finn’s eyes for a few seconds before leaning back in. He kisses Finn deeply as he unbuttons his jeans and slides them down Finn’s legs slightly. Then he places his hand under the fabric of Finn’s boxers. Finn is hard, he has been practically since Blake first kissed him, and the feeling of Blake’s palm against him makes him moan.

Blake pulls away from their kiss and Finn tries to lean back into him again, desperately missing Blake’s mouth against his. But Blake places his hands against Finn’s shoulders to stop him.

“Just trust me, ok?” Blake says. “You’ll like this.”

Finn bites his lip anxiously, but nods anyway. Blake smiles and tugs Finn’s boxers down before he takes Finn’s cock in his hand again, stroking him slowly. Then, he kneels in front of Finn and looks up at him for a split second before bringing his lips to the tip of Finn’s cock and flicking his tongue gently across it. Finn gasps.

“Shh,” Blake says. “We gotta be quiet.”

Finn nods, but he doubts he’ll be able to follow through on that. He doesn’t think he’s ever felt anything quite this good before. Blake takes Finn deeper in his mouth, moving his tongue in slow circles, and Finn bites his lip hard to stifle a groan. It suddenly occurs to Finn that this probably isn’t the first time Blake has done this, judging by how smooth and confident his movements are. But Finn quickly decides he would rather not think about that, so he pushes it out of his mind.

Blake keeps stroking the base of Finn’s cock with one hand and starts palming himself through his jeans with the other, breathing heavily. Finn quickly squeezes his eyes shut, worried that if he keeps watching Blake he’ll come right there. Just the image of Blake kneeling in front of him, desperately touching himself, is nearly enough to push him over the edge.

After a few moments, Finn opens his eyes again, deciding that he wants to take in as much of this as he can. He gently runs his fingers through Blake’s dark hair, pulling his head slightly closer and gently thrusting into his mouth. Blake moans his approval, and the vibration makes Finn’s stomach flip.

“Blake,” Finn says, his voice shaking slightly. “I’m gonna-“

The rest of his words are swept away by a final burst of pleasure as he comes. He vaguely remembers that he should be quiet, but he can’t stop himself from crying out, especially as he watches Blake effortlessly swallow, still touching himself through his jeans.

Finn is still trying to collect himself, leaning heavily against the wall, when the door next to them creaks open. He feels Blake stiffen and then he turns to see Cam standing in the doorway. Blake quickly pulls away from Finn and stands up shakily, looking at Cam with a panicked expression. After a brief moment of shock, Finn tucks himself back into his boxers and buttons his jeans, avoiding any kind of eye contact.

“Cam, it’s not - we weren’t - oh my god,” Blake stammers.

“We need to start recording again,” Cam says curtly. “We’ll discuss this later.” Both Blake and Finn stay completely still, too shocked to move. “Come on, let’s go,” Cam says. Even though he’s clearly upset, his voice is flat, and that scares Finn even more than if he had been outright angry.

“Can I use the bathroom?” Blake asks. It only takes Finn a quick glance at the bulge in his pants to see why. Cam gives him a disapproving glare.

“Leo and Alec are waiting,” he says, trying to keep his tone measured and calm. “Come on.”

Finn tries to give Blake a sympathetic look as they follow Cam out the door, but Blake won’t make eye contact. As they walk back down the hall, Finn can’t bring himself to look anywhere but the floor. Blake walks just in front of him, his jaw clenched. Finn can’t tell if it’s because of anger or embarrassment or discomfort or a mixture of all three. Cam opens the door to the recording room and ushers Blake and Finn inside.

“You alright?” Leo asks as they walk in, clearly noting the uncomfortable atmosphere.

“Everything’s great,” Blake says with a forced smile. He grabs his guitar off the stand and walks over to the microphone. “Looks like we’ve got some recording to do,” he says. Leo looks at Cam inquisitively but Cam just shakes his head.

The songs are fine, and by the time they’re ready to leave, the awkwardness seems to have dissipated a bit. They all start packing away their instruments when Cam speaks.

“Leo, Alec, why don’t you two head back to the hotel? I’m going to switch the room arrangements, so see if you can’t start dealing with that.”

“What?” Blake says, indignant. “You’re switching the rooms? Come on!”

“If I were you, I wouldn’t push the issue, Blake,” Cam replies, “I think you’re smart enough to figure out my reasoning.” Blake starts to protest again, but stops himself. “Now run along you two, I need to have a little chat with Blake and Finn about their conduct,” Cam says, waving Leo and Alec out of the studio. Leo gives Finn a sympathetic look as he leaves.

As soon as the door slams shut, Blake starts talking.

“Cam, this isn’t fair, it’s not what you think,” he says.

“Oh?” Cam replies. “Then what exactly is going on? Because I’m fairly certain there aren’t many explanations for what I walked in on that don’t warrant me taking this kind of action.”

“God Cam, why the hell do you care anyway?” Blake yells. “It’s none of your goddamn business!”

“As long as I’m your manager, it is my business,” Cam says, trying to keep his voice level and calm. “I simply cannot condone this type of behavior.”

“It was a fucking accident, okay?” Blake yells.

Finn feels his stomach drop. He feels like an absolute idiot. Of course it was an accident. How could he think Blake would really want him?

“Do you think I’m an idiot Blake?” Cam asks. “Do you really expect me to believe that?”

“I wasn’t thinking, it was stupid, it’s not going to happen again, ok? There’s no reason to drag Leo and Alec into this.”

“I think you are seriously overestimating the amount of trust I have in you, Blake,” Cam says, “I’m switching your rooms and that is the end of this discussion.”

Finn doesn’t think he’s ever seen Blake this upset before, and if it were anyone but Cam, he imagines Blake would have hit them by now. Finn wishes he could put a comforting hand on Blake’s shoulder, but he knows he can’t. He wonders if he’ll ever be allowed to touch Blake again and he feels his stomach clench up at the thought.

The walk back to the hotel is painfully silent, Cam avoids looking at either of them, and Blake is still fuming. Finn just stares at the ground, hoping this will all go away. He’s honestly more embarrassed that Blake said it was an accident than that Cam caught them. If Blake had wanted it too, then at least he would have that. Now, he has nothing.

Finn walks into the room that he’s now sharing with Leo and sits down on the bed. Leo turns and meets his eyes, his expression turning to concern as soon as he sees how upset Finn looks.

“Cam really laid into you then, did he?” Leo asks.

“Yeah,” Finn replies.

“You think he’d be used to Blake being late to everything by now, seemed like a bit of an overreaction to me.”

“Well, you know,” Finn says, careful not to give away too much. “I guess he just wants to set boundaries or whatever.” He’d probably die of embarrassment if Leo knew what had happened.

“I can talk to him if you want. It really doesn’t seem fair, and no offense to you, but I do like sharing a room with Alec.”

“Don’t,” Finn says quickly, panic in his voice. Leo shrugs.

“Alright, just trying to help out.”

Finn feels bad, of course he is. Leo is always trying to help. And if Blake hadn’t said it was an accident, he might have let him try to talk to Cam. But now, well he doesn’t even want to share a room with Blake. Or at least he tells himself that. Then, there’s a knock on the door.

“Who is it?” Leo calls out.

“Blake,” comes the reply. Leo walks over to the door and opens it. “Hello there,” Blake says.

“This isn’t your room now,” Finn says, it comes out a little meaner than he expected, but he’s mad at Blake and he really doesn’t care. Blake gives him a sheepish smile.

“Yeah, I’m well aware of that,” he says, “can I come in anyway?”

Finn looks at Leo, Leo shrugs.

“Sure, I don’t mind,” he says.

“Alright, fine,” Finn says. Blake walks in and sits on the bed next to Finn.

“Leo, would you mind terribly if the two of us had a private chat?” Blake asks.

“Yeah, sure, no problem,” Leo replies, “I should go check on Alec anyway. He said he was going to try and find out if there was a bar in the hotel.”

Leo gives a small wave and walks out, shutting the door behind him. The two boys sit quietly for a moment before Finn speaks.

“Did you mean everything you said to Cam?” he asks, already feeling tears welling up in his eyes.

He wishes he didn’t care so much, but he can’t help it. Blake rests his hand on Finn’s thigh, sending a shiver through his body.

“Of course not,” Blake says. “God no. I just, I didn’t know what the hell to say and I was hoping he’d buy it and give the whole thing up.” Finn feels physically relieved, like a giant weight has been lifted off of him.

“So it, it wasn’t an accident?” he asks softly.

“Not at all.”

Finn stares at Blake, wishing he could tell for sure if he meant it. Blake gives him a reassuring smile and Finn imagines leaning in and kissing him. But before he can even start to work up the courage, Blake pats his leg lightly and stands up.

“We’re good, yeah?”

“Yeah,” Finn says.

“Good,” Blake says. He looks at Finn for a moment, then nods. “Right then. I’ll see you later.”

“See you later.”

Finn wants to say something else, but he’s still not sure where exactly he stands with Blake after all of this, so he just sits still and watches him leave.

Chapter Text

After dinner that night, Leo pulls Blake aside before he has a chance to slip away to his and Alec’s hotel room unnoticed.

“What’s going on with you and Finn?” Leo asks, his voice harsher than normal.

“I have no idea what you’re on about,” Blake replies. “Nothing’s going on.”

“Blake I’m not stupid. I know Cam didn’t switch our rooms over you two being late getting back to recording. Obviously it’s something you don’t want me and Alec to know about. Finn’s reaction made that very clear. But whatever the hell your problem is, don’t drag Finn into it.”

“You don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about Leo,” Blake snaps.

“Yeah, that’s really convincing,” Leo says sarcastically. Blake glares at him.

“I’m going back to my room. Have a good night.”

He turns around and walks away before Leo has the chance to say anything else.

Blake is sitting on the balcony of the hotel room smoking when Alec comes back to the room. Alec walks out the sliding door and sits on the empty plastic chair next to Blake.

"You alright?” he asks, noticing the empty miniature alcohol bottles on the ground next to Blake.

“Not particularly, no,” Blake replies, not making eye contact.

“You wanna talk about it?” Alec asks.

“I’d rather just drown my sorrows in booze if that’s alright with you,” Blake says.

“Seems like a healthy way to deal with things,” Alec replies sarcastically.

“Yeah, yeah. You’re one to talk.” Blake takes another drag of his cigarette. They sit quietly for a minute, both staring off into the dark city skyline in front of them.

“Cam’s gonna be pissed when he gets the bill for this,” Alec says, motioning to the bottles on the ground. “Minibars aren’t cheap.”

“Cam’s already pissed at me. I don’t care anymore.”

“What was that about anyway?” Alec asks.

“I don’t wanna talk about it,” Blake says.

He grabs a cigarette and an unopened miniature vodka bottle and offers them to Alec. Alec takes them without a word. That’s part of why Blake likes him, he doesn’t push things. Blake picks up a small bottle from the ground and takes a drink.

“Am I a bad person?” he asks.

“You’re an asshole. But you’re not a bad person,” Alec says. “Why?”

“Leo’s mad at me. He basically said I’m a piece of shit and I’m dragging Finn down with me.” He takes another drink. “Maybe he’s right.”

“None of us are perfect, Blake. Not even Leo, as much as he might seem like he is. Bad people don’t care if they’re bad people.” Alec pauses for a second. “You got a lighter?”

 Blake sighs and hands his lighter to Alec. He watches as he places the cigarette in his mouth and lights it, the flame flickering slightly in the wind.

“Blake,” Alec says. “Blake, wake up.” Blake cracks his eyes open then immediately shuts them again and presses his hands over his eyes.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

“Good morning, sunshine,” Alec says with a slight laugh. “How’re ya feeling?”

“Like I got hit by a truck.”

“Here,” Alec says, handing Blake a glass of water and a few pills. “We have to get to the recording studio soon, so you better pull yourself together.”

“Shit, what time is it?” Blake asks, sitting up and wincing.

“Quarter to noon.”

“You woke me up fifteen minutes before we need to be there?”

“I figured you needed the sleep,” Alec says.

“We’re gonna be late, Cam’s gonna kill me.”

“You’re always late. Plus, I thought you didn’t care if Cam was mad.”

“Drunk me didn’t care. Sober me is slightly more concerned. But most of all, hungover me doesn’t want to be yelled at. Or talked to. Or awake at all if I’m being honest.”

“Fair enough.”

Blake takes a sip of the water and then swallows the pills Alec gave him, wrinkling up his face at the taste. He picks up his glasses from the nightstand and puts them on.

“I don’t suppose you’ve got some magic hangover cure?” he asks, pressing his palm against his forehead.

“Not magic, but this might help,” Alec says. He opens up a drawer and pulls out a bottle of vodka.

“More alcohol doesn’t exactly sound like the best idea.”

“And feeling like shit while we’re recording does?” Alec replies. Blake sighs.

"Alright, fine, you’ve convinced me.”

Alec opens up the mini fridge and pulls out a carton of orange juice, then pours two glasses, adding a splash of vodka to each. He hands one to Blake. Blake takes a sip.

“Not bad,” he says. “Where’d you get this anyway?”

“I’ve been up for a while. Had to go buy some more booze since someone drank everything in the room. So I just popped over to the shop and picked up some things.”

“All the essentials. Vodka and orange juice.”

“Breakfast of champions,” Alec says with a smile.

By the time Blake and Alec arrive at the recording studio it’s almost one.

“You’re late,” Cam says, his voice harsh. “Very late.”

“We overslept,” Alec says. Blake ignores Cam and brushes past him to grab his guitar.

“Is it really that hard to wake up before noon?” Leo asks.

“This is why you shouldn’t switch our rooms,” Blake says as he tunes his guitar. He plugs the guitar in, turns the amp, then strums, wincing slightly at the noise.

“You alright?” Finn asks.

“Yeah ‘m fine. Just a bit of a headache,” Blake replies. Leo rolls his eyes.

“Headache, sure,” he says.

“Can you just mind your own business for two fucking seconds?” Blake snaps.

“I think it’s my business when you show up to recording an hour late and hungover,” Leo replies.

“Can we please just get started?” Alec asks before Blake can reply to Leo.

“Fine,” Leo says.

They play through a few songs, but nothing comes out quite the way they want it to.

“Take a break,” Cam says, clearly frustrated, before walking out.

“I’m gonna go see if I can grab something to eat,” Alec says. “Anyone want anything?”

“I’ll come with you,” Leo says. “I could use the fresh air.”

Alec nods and Leo follows him out, leaving Blake and Finn alone. They sit quietly for a few minutes before Finn sets his bass down and walks over to Blake.

“How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Fine,” Blake replies curtly. Finn pulls a chair over and sits down next to Blake.

“Wild night last night?” he asks. Blake stops messing around with his guitar and looks up at Finn.

“Not really,” he says. “More of a shit night.”

“Oh,” Finn says. “You wanna talk about it?” Blake rolls his eyes.

“Why the hell does everyone always want to talk about everything?” he says exasperatedly.

“Maybe because we care about you, Blake.”

Blake wants to make a snide remark about how he didn’t ask anyone to care about him, but he doesn’t.

“I’m sorry,” he says softly. Finn wrinkles his brow.

“For what?”

“For being an asshole. And for showing up an hour late to recording hungover. And for not being able to sing for shit today.” Finn smiles at the last part.

“The singing wasn’t that bad,” he says. “And all that other stuff, you can work on it. You can be a good person when you try, ya know.”

“I know,” Blake says with a sigh. “It’s just… it’s just hard. And I know it shouldn’t be. I know it’s not hard for you. Or for most people. But….” His voice trails off.

“I know,” Finn says.

They sit together for a minute, not saying anything.

“Hey Finn,” Blake says.

“What?” Finn asks.

“I’ve never, ya know, made you do anything you didn’t want to, right?”

“Not at all, no,” Finn says. Blake nods.

“That’s good. I just, I wouldn’t want you to feel like you had to do anything to make me happy. Or do anything because it’s what I want.” His voice gets softer. “I just, I don’t want to hurt you.”

Chapter Text

Six months earlier

Leo is over at Blake’s house, the two of them enjoying the last few weeks of their summer holidays by spending as much time as possible watching movies, playing music, and generally avoiding anything even vaguely academic.

“I’m gonna go to the bathroom, you can look for something to watch on my laptop,” Blake says, standing up. “It should be unlocked.”

“Ok, cool,” Leo replies.

Leo grabs Blake’s laptop from the floor next to his bed and opens it. As promised, it’s unlocked, and he clicks the browser button to pull up a new page. But instead, it pulls up a window that had been minimized. Leo is about to just close it or minimize it again when he sees what it is and stops.

It’s porn. That’s not particularly surprising, Blake is a 17-year-old boy after all, and he probably wouldn’t even think twice about it if it weren’t for the image that the video is paused on. It’s two men, one bending the other over a countertop and pinning his hands behind his back as he fucks him.

Leo just stares at the screen for a second, his mind racing. After a moment, he closes the video and opens a new browser window, trying not to think about it too much. When Blake comes back a minute or two later, Leo is still browsing through the movie options on Netflix, barely glancing at the descriptions.

“Find something?” Blake asks.

“You can pick,” Leo replies, handing him the computer. “I’m fine with whatever.”

Blake takes the laptop and sits on the bed next to Leo. Leo just watches him as he looks at the screen, trying to figure out if he should say something. He quickly decides that he shouldn’t. How do you even bring that type of thing up?

“You ok?” Blake asks, noticing Leo staring at him.

“Yeah," Leo says. “Just wondering if you’re gonna take all day to pick something.” Blake rolls his eyes.

While they watch the movie, Leo keeps thinking about what he saw on Blake’s laptop. He keeps trying to rationalize it, maybe it was just a random video, maybe he wasn’t actually watching it to get off, and even if he were, that wouldn’t necessarily mean he was gay. But part of him knows that none of that is true.

It had crossed his mind before, that Blake might be gay, before he started dating Emily. And even after that, it was always there, those little things that made him wonder. It wasn’t something he could describe or point out really, more of a collection of moments that added up to something. Lingering glances, awkward subject changes, strong reactions to jokes, it was all so easy to push away, to not think too much about. But now, it’s all Leo can think about.

Over the next week, Leo pays extra attention to everything Blake does. After spending several hours late at night tossing and turning while thinking about all of this, Leo had decided that he wanted to talk to Blake about it. He needs to know for sure. Even still, part of him hopes that he’s wrong, that somehow Blake will do or say something that will make all of this make sense.

That Friday, they’re messing around in the music building at the school with Dan and Alec. Even though they usually just go to Blake’s house to play music, he doesn’t have a drum set and Alec wanted to figure out his part for a new song Blake had written.

Alec has Blake run through the song in pieces a few times so he can try different things until he finds something he likes. Leo waits a bit impatiently, playing bits and pieces of random songs on the keyboard quietly while Blake plays the chorus for what seems like the hundredth time. After a while, Alec seems happy with the drum part, and they all play through the whole song together. Leo has to admit it does sound much better with drums.

“That’s really good,” Blake says to Alec.

“It’s whatever,” Alec replies, not making eye contact.

“No, I’m serious,” Blake says. “You always like, brush off compliments and shit but I mean it. You’re really good at this.”

Alec nods but doesn’t respond; he just looks at his hands awkwardly.

“Jesus,” Dan says, rolling his eyes. “Why don’t you just suck his dick while you’re at it?”

Blake glares at Dan, clenching his fists slightly.

“Shut the fuck up,” Blake snaps. “I’m being nice. Maybe you should try it some time.”

“Sorry,” Dan says. “Clearly that struck a chord, huh?” He smirks and Blake walks closer to him, pushing a finger into his chest.

“I’ll fucking beat your face in if you don’t shut up,” Blake says. His voice is too quiet for him to be yelling, but it’s still intense and harsh.

Dan stares at him for a moment then rolls his eyes and holds his hands up in mock surrender. Blake moves his hand back to his side but keeps his eyes trained on Dan’s face for a few more seconds.

“Right then,” Blake says, walking back to where he put his guitar down. “One more time from the top?”

Alec and Leo make eye contact, both of them not sure whether or not they should acknowledge what happened. After a minute of painful silence, Alec picks up his drumsticks and twirls one in his hand before counting them all in.

The next day, Leo asks Blake to come over to his house. It shouldn’t be any different than any of the other times they’ve hung out recently, but the whole time, Leo keeps thinking about whether or not he should ask Blake the question he can’t stop thinking about. He tries to see if there will be some kind of natural way to bring it up, but eventually he has to admit that there probably never will be. So he decides to just rip the band-aid off.

“Blake, can I ask you something?”

Blake wants to say no, especially with the intense way that Leo is looking at him but he nods.

“Yeah, sure.” His mouth is dry.

“Are you-“ Leo pauses, bites his lip. “Are you gay?”

Blake looks at Leo like he’s just been slapped in the face. Leo expected him to be angry, but instead he looks scared.

“Why the fuck would you say that?” Blake says, his voice bitter.

Leo just waits. For an answer, for Blake to storm out of the room, for something.

“I have a girlfriend,” Blake says. “We’ve been together for two years. Two years.” He says the last part almost to himself, his voice wavering slightly.

“I wouldn’t care if you were,” Leo says, “It wouldn’t make a difference.”

He wants to add, I’m not your dad, but Blake already looks like he’s about to cry. So he doesn’t.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” Blake says, his voice so soft that Leo can hardly hear him. “Why the hell does it have to be like this?” He looks at Leo and the pain in his eyes says everything that Blake won’t.

Leo scoots over on the bed and Blake sits next to him, burying his head in his hands. Leo places an arm around his shoulder. For the first time in a long time, Blake doesn’t push him away.

About a week later Leo and Blake are sitting on Blake’s bed. Despite the initial awkwardness, things have actually been more comfortable between the two of them than they have been in a long time. Blake feels like maybe now he can actually talk to Leo openly, something that he’s been missing more and more recently.

“So,” Leo says, “have you ever kissed a boy?” Blake leans back on his elbows.

“No,” he says.

“I was just wondering since you’re, ya know-“

“No,” Blake says, cutting him off. “I haven’t.”

“Would you want to?” Leo asks. Blake bites his lip.

“What, are you offering?” he replies. Leo shrugs.

“Maybe.”

Blake hates the way that one word makes his stomach flip. He swallows.

“Aren’t you straight?” he says, looking down at the bedspread instead of meeting Leo’s eyes.

“Yeah,” Leo replies. “But I’d make an exception.”

Blake looks up and they make eye contact. They look at each other for a few moments without speaking before Leo breaks the silence.

“So?” he says.

Blake can’t bring himself to answer so instead he leans in and kisses Leo. Leo stays still for a moment, surprised, before he kisses back.

Blake almost immediately regrets it. Not because it’s bad. Not at all. But because up until now none of this felt real, it was all feelings and thoughts and what ifs. He pulls away.

“Fuck,” he mumbles. Leo laughs softly.

“You’re a good kisser,” he says. Then he notices the look on Blake’s face. “You alright?”

“I don’t know,” Blake says.

“Do you wanna talk about-“ Leo’s sentence is cut off when Blake pulls him into another kiss. This time Leo doesn’t hesitate before kissing back.

This is far from the first time Blake has been kissed. But it’s the first time he’s felt like this. Leo moves his hand up and presses it softly against Blake’s cheek and Blake feels like his skin is on fire. He wraps his arms around Leo’s waist, his fingers toying with the hem of Leo’s shirt.

He kisses Leo deeper, pressing his tongue against Leo’s lips until Leo parts them. He keeps expecting Leo to stop him, to pull away in disgust, but he doesn’t. Blake wonders briefly how far Leo will let this go, how much he can get away with before Leo stops him. He knows it’s a bad idea, that all Leo offered was a kiss, but everything about this is intoxicating and he can’t think clearly.

He slides his hand up the back of Leo’s shirt and presses it against the small of his back, pulling him closer. Leo stiffens for a second but doesn’t move away.  After a moment, Blake moves his other hand to Leo’s hip, then down to the inside of his thigh. This time, Leo breaks the kiss, shifting his body away from Blake; Blake pulls his hand away.

“Blake,” Leo says quietly. “I can’t… I’m not….” He can’t find the right words and he just ends up shaking his head.

Blake feels his face growing warm with the sting of rejection and he avoids Leo’s eyes, staring at his hands folded in his lap instead.

“Sorry,” Blake mumbles.

He wants to say more, to try and justify himself, but he doesn’t know what he’d say. All he can think about is how badly he wants to keep kissing Leo, how desperately he wishes he could touch him and be touched back. But of course he can’t. He’s afraid to even meet Leo’s eyes again. Afraid of what he must be thinking about him now.

“I’m not upset,” Leo says after a long, painful silence. Blake looks up at him. “I mean, I’m the one who offered to kiss you. I just, I should’ve been more clear. About boundaries.”

Blake shakes his head.

“I think this was a bad idea.”

“Blake-“

“Don’t,” Blake interrupts before Leo can say anything else.

Leo is silent for a minute, glancing at Blake every few seconds. Blake feels frozen in place, not sure what to do.

“You’re sure you don’t wanna talk about it?” Leo asks.

“Just… just forget this happened, yeah?” Blake says. “I know you meant to be nice and, and I don’t fucking know, give me the experience or whatever but I can’t do this. Because you can kiss me this one time and be done with it. You get to wash your hands of all this shit, but I don’t.”

Leo looks slightly hurt, but Blake doesn’t care. It’s the truth. He knows that now it’s painfully obvious to both of them that he wants this. And it doesn’t matter if it’s with Leo or with any other boy, all he knows is that he needs this. It kills him to admit it, and it kills him even more that Leo knows.

“I’m sorry,” Leo says, his voice almost a whisper.

Blake doesn’t respond. He just lies down on his bed and stares numbly at the ceiling.

By the time Leo leaves two hours later, the uneasiness between them has mostly faded. Blake had expected Leo to go home almost immediately, but he didn’t. He stayed and waited until Blake stopped staring at the ceiling. He sat quietly while Blake anxiously smoked two cigarettes, one right after the other, and he didn’t bring it up again.

Blake sits on his bed for a few minutes, thinking. But he quickly decides that he needs a distraction, something to keep his mind occupied. So he grabs his laptop and pulls up a porn site. He doubts that masturbation is going to actually help him deal with any of the emotions he’s feeling, but he’s been wanting to get off ever since Leo kissed him.

He hesitates before typing anything into the search bar, trying to decide what he wants to watch, then types a few words and hits enter. The video he picks is one he’s watched before. It’s two men, probably only a couple years older than him, kissing and touching one another. There’s no actual sex, but sometimes Blake prefers that. It’s a clearly amateur video and there’s something about it that feels different, more real. More like something that could happen between him and Leo.

He hates himself for thinking of Leo as he watches the two men rub their cocks together and stroke each other. He’s masturbated to the thought of other people he knows before, but never Leo. It had never really crossed his mind before now. Not that he’d never noticed how attractive he was, but there had been a clear line in his mind. Leo was his friend, his best friend, and he didn’t want to ruin that by hoping for something that would never happen. And then this. He can’t stop thinking about the way kissing Leo made him feel.

So he thinks about Leo while he strokes himself, imagining how it would feel to have Leo’s cock rubbing against his own.  He thinks about Leo kissing him and moaning into his mouth, feeling Leo’s desperation as he thrusts against him. He takes his other hand and rubs it around his entrance, imagining Leo’s cock brushing against him, teasing him.

He only barely lasts until one of the men in the video orgasms and he moans loudly, glad that he’s home alone. But as soon as the pleasure fades slightly all of the guilt and shame and fear come rushing back. He lays back on his bed, breathing shakily, and wipes his hand on the sheets.

Chapter Text

Finn hasn't seen much of Blake, Alec, or Leo for the first few days after they get back from London, they've all been caught up in schoolwork and catching up on whatever else they missed while they were gone. So he's a bit caught off guard when Blake comes up to him in the hall at school.

“Hey, are you busy tonight?” Blake asks Finn.

“I don’t think so. Why? Is there band stuff going on?” Finn replies.

“No, I just thought maybe we could hang out,” Blake says. “Just us.”

“Oh,” Finn says. “Uh, yeah, sure.”

He knows that he sounds awkward and he hates it, but his head is spinning thinking about what Blake might want to do alone with him.

“Cool,” Blake says. “We could do something. Or you could just come over to my place.”

“Whatever you want,” Finn says, trying to sound casual.

“Let’s just go to my house and then if you want to do something else later we can,” Blake says.

“Sounds good.”

“Ok, I’ll meet you after classes,” Blake says. He gives Finn a small wave before walking away down the hall.

Even though he’s been to Blake’s house plenty of times, Finn still feels a bit nervous as they walk in the front door. Maybe it’s that they’re alone rather than with Alec and Leo or maybe it’s the looming memory of what happened in London, but Finn’s heart is racing.

“Alright?” Blake asks once they’re standing outside his bedroom door.

“Yep,” Finn replies.

“Finn,” Blake says, shaking his head slightly. “You don’t need to be so nervous. We don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do. This can just be us hanging out if that’s what you want, ok?”

“Ok,” Finn says, taking a deep breath.

Blake nods and holds the door open. Finn walks in and then stands awkwardly in front of Blake’s bed, not sure if he should sit or not. Blake looks at him and laughs softly.

“How many times have you been to my house?” Blake asks. “You can sit on my bed, it’s not a big deal.”

“Sorry,” Finn says, smoothing out the sheets to sit down. Blake sits next to him, close enough that the sides of their legs are touching.

“You don’t need to apologize,” Blake says. He moves to put his hand on Finn’s knee but hesitates for a moment until Finn gives him a small nod.

“I’m not trying to be weird,” Finn says. “I just don’t know how I’m supposed to act now.”

“Well, I think that depends,” Blake says. “Are we just hanging out?”

Finn bites his lip. He knows what he wants, but he’s still scared to say it out loud. Even though Blake has made it clear that he’s into him, Finn is still worried about being rejected.

“Finn?” Blake says after a few moments of silence. Finn just looks at him, not able to form the words. Thankfully Blake seems to understand. “Do you want me to kiss you?” Blake asks.

Finn nods quickly. Blake smiles and places his palm against Finn’s cheek. He looks into Finn’s eyes for a few seconds before leaning in and kissing him. It’s much different than the first time they kissed. Where their previous kiss was rushed and desperate, this is soft and slow, gentle in a way Finn hadn’t expected from Blake. After a bit, Blake brushes the tip of his tongue against Finn’s lips and Finn parts them, sighing softly. Finn rests his hands against Blake’s back, pulling him closer as their kiss grows in intensity.

The way Blake is kissing him makes Finn very aware that Blake has quite a bit of experience with this kind of thing. Finn can’t stop thinking about what he should be doing with his tongue and lips and hands. He tries to respond to what Blake is doing, mimicking some of his movements, but he’s worried he’s doing things wrong. Eventually Blake pulls away from Finn, breathing hard. He moves one of his hands and brushes his thumb against Finn’s bottom lip briefly before cupping Finn’s cheek.

"You’re amazing,” Blake says. Finn feels his stomach flip. “Can I touch you?”

“You’re already touching me,” Finn says, confused.

“Oh, no, sorry,” Blake says with a slight laugh. “I meant, can I touch your cock?”

“Oh,” Finn says. He was already half hard and those words send another bolt of arousal through him. Even though he’s a bit hesitant, he finds himself remembering the feeling of Blake’s hands and mouth on him and he knows he can’t say no. “Yeah. Yeah, that would be nice,” he says after a moment.

Blake smiles and rubs his palm against Finn’s thigh. Finn exhales shakily and tries to relax into Blake’s touch, tries to not be so caught up in whether or not he’s doing things right or thinking about what might happen.

“I’ll go slow, ok?” Blake says, sensing Finn’s nervousness.

“Ok,” Finn replies.

“And you’ll tell me if you want me to stop?”

“Yeah.”

“Ok, good.” Blake pauses for a moment. “Would you lie down for me?”

Finn nods and slides back on the bed, adjusting Blake’s pillows slightly behind him. Blake moves next to him and undoes Finn’s pants, pulling them down his thighs. Finn is a bit embarrassed at how obvious his erection is through the thin fabric of his boxers.

Blake smiles reassuringly and brushes the tips of his fingers against the outline of Finn’s cock. Finn groans and pushes his hips up to press against Blake’s hand. Blake keeps touching Finn through his boxers for a few minutes, slow and a bit teasing, then he climbs on top of Finn and straddles him. Blake leans down, his face just inches away from Finn’s.

"Is this ok?” Blake asks.

“Mmmhmm,” Finn mumbles.

He feels like he should be saying more, but all he can focus on is Blake’s body against his. Even if this isn’t the most explicitly sexual thing they’ve done, it’s the most intimate, and Finn’s head is spinning. Blake shifts his hips slightly and Finn’s breath hitches in his throat. He can feel Blake’s cock hard against him even through Blake’s pants.

The friction is amazing, and Finn is worried he might come without Blake even really touching him, so he reaches up and starts to undo Blake’s pants. Blake looks a bit surprised, but he moves his legs to help Finn take them off. Finn pauses for a second, then tugs at the waistband of Blake’s boxers.

“Can I?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, fuck, of course,” Blake says.

Finn smiles and pulls Blake’s boxers off. He takes a moment to look at Blake, mostly naked, sitting on top of him. He’s embarrassed to admit to himself that he’s imagined this exact thing several times before. But this time it’s real, and Blake is even more attractive now than in Finn’s fantasies.

"You want me to take my shirt off too?” Blake asks. Even though it’s obvious that Blake is turned on, he seems incredibly composed and almost casual about everything.

“Yes,” Finn says, slightly breathless. He wants to see and touch every part of Blake that he can.

Blake pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it on the floor. Finn reaches out and touches Blake’s chest lightly with his fingertips. He slowly traces his hand across Blake’s skin; all of this feels a bit like a dream, like it can’t be real.

“Ok?” Blake asks.

“Yeah,” Finn says softly.

“Can I take the rest of your clothes off?” Blake asks.

Finn hesitates for a moment. He wants to say yes, wants Blake to touch him, to feel skin against skin. But he’s also nervous, worried that Blake won’t think he’s attractive, worried that things will go too fast or too far and he won’t have the nerve to say no.

"It’s ok if you don’t want to,” Blake says after a few more seconds of silence. Finn takes a deep breath, trying to calm his nerves.

“I want to,” Finn replies.

“You’re sure?”

“Yeah. I’m sure.”

Blake takes a moment to brush Finn’s hair back and kiss his forehead before he pulls Finn’s shirt off. Finn shivers slightly at the change in temperature and Blake leans down and kisses his chest and stomach. He pauses just above the line of Finn’s boxers and looks up at him, waiting for Finn to give him a quick nod before taking them off.

Finn tenses slightly, feeling incredibly exposed and vulnerable. But Blake doesn’t stop touching him, caressing his hips and thighs until Finn feels like he’s melting. He never wants this to end, but even though Blake has barely touched his cock, he’s already achingly hard.

“Can I do something for you?” Finn asks. He wants to make sure Blake is enjoying this too, but he doesn’t know what he should do.

“Don’t worry about me,” Blake says. “You don’t need to do anything.”

“But I want to,” Finn says. Blake smiles.

“Well then, you can do whatever you like. Anything at all.”

Finn nods, but he wishes Blake would tell him what he wanted more explicitly. He knows Blake is being very deliberately careful and slow with him and he wonders what Blake is like in bed normally. He can’t imagine that he’s this reserved and cautious, it seems much too far away from his usual personality.

Blake wraps his hand around Finn’s cock and leans in close to kiss Finn while he strokes him slowly. Blake seems to know exactly how to touch Finn. The pressure and tempo are just enough to put Finn right on the edge of orgasm and he knows he won’t be able to last much longer like this. Blake slides his other hand behind Finn’s head, pulling him closer and twisting his fingers in Finn’s hair, tugging it slightly, but not hard enough to hurt.

As they kiss, Blake shifts and presses his erection against Finn, groaning softly, and Finn decides he should do something for Blake. He takes Blake’s cock in his hand and strokes it, trying to match Blake’s rhythm. Blake groans louder and bucks his hips into Finn’s hand.

Touching Blake is different than Finn expected. He assumed he would feel confident doing this at least. He’s certainly done it to himself plenty of times, so shouldn’t he know what to do? But it’s not the same, and he hates how inadequate all of this makes him feel.

Blake keeps kissing him, desperate and messy and so nice that Finn almost forgets his anxieties. Every now and then Blake makes another sound of pleasure and Finn starts to relax more, starts to think that maybe he’s actually doing things right, that maybe he doesn’t need to worry so much.

Then Blake moves his hand down between Finn’s legs and rubs the tip of his finger around Finn’s entrance. Finn immediately tenses up and Blake quickly stops. He withdraws his hand completely for a moment before taking Finn’s cock in his palm again. After a few slow, gentle strokes Finn relaxes again.

“Sorry,” Blake says, barely pulling away from Finn’s lips to speak. “Too much.”

Finn nods slightly, glad that Blake stopped and didn’t wait until Finn told him to. But it makes him wonder if that’s all that Blake really wants from him: actual sex. He suddenly feels like everything else he’s doing isn’t quite good enough.

He feels heat rising in his face just thinking about it. Not that he hasn’t thought about it before. He’s imagined what it would be like, in general and with Blake specifically, and he would be lying if he said he hadn’t gotten off on the idea multiple times. But to actually do it is much, much different.

Beyond his brief acknowledgment, Blake doesn’t seem fazed by Finn’s reaction. He keeps touching and kissing Finn with the same intensity and expertise as before and it isn’t much longer before Finn comes in his hand. Finn is caught up in his orgasm and is only vaguely aware that his hand around Blake’s cock has stilled. He doesn’t fully realize it until Blake moves and wraps his own hand around Finn’s and jerks himself fast and hard until he comes.

They stay close together for a few moments, Blake lying on top of Finn, both of them panting. Finn feels almost dizzy; overwhelmed by everything that just happened. Eventually Blake moves, repositioning himself next to Finn on the bed.

“Ok?” Blake asks. He brushes Finn’s hair back from his forehead gently.

“Yeah,” Finn says, still a bit breathless.

“I’m sorry about… ya know,” Blake says. He sounds more flustered and awkward than Finn has ever heard him sound before. “I got caught up in the moment. I should’ve asked.”

“It’s ok,” Finn replies.

“I really don’t want you to feel pressured to do things you’re not comfortable with.”

“Blake, it’s fine.”

Blake nods and stares up at the ceiling for a bit before sitting up. He pauses and looks at his hand for a moment, wrinkling his face slightly before wiping it on his sheets.

“I should keep tissues by my bed,” Blake says with a sigh. “Can you hand me my clothes?”

Finn nods and reaches over the side of the bed to grab the discarded clothing on the floor. As he watches Blake get dressed, he realizes that he’s a bit sad it’s all over. Part of him wishes they could stay like that forever, lying together naked and spent. But he knows they can’t, so he grabs his own clothes and puts them back on.

Chapter Text

Six months earlier

Leo had thought things with Blake might be better now that everything was out in the open between them, but as the first month of the term went by, Blake seemed to be pulling even further away. Despite seeing Blake most days, either in class, at band practice, or for a night out, Leo feels like he hasn’t actually talked to Blake recently.

When he had invited Blake over to hang out and smoke after school, it had mostly been because he missed spending time with him. But now, after a few hits and some surface level conversation, Leo can’t help but notice how distracted Blake seems. How much he looks like his mind is somewhere else.

“What’s been going on with you?” Leo asks. “You’ve been, I dunno, weird lately.”

He had been trying to broach the topic with Blake for weeks, but anything short of a direct question seemed to get brushed off or deflected with a joke. But it was getting harder to ignore how Blake was acting. Besides, Leo knows that Blake is usually much more willing to let his guard down when he’s high, especially if it’s just the two of them.

Blake sighs and takes another hit.

“I’m not sure. I think there’s something wrong with me,” he says.

Leo waits for him to keep talking, watching as Blake stares up at the ceiling.

“I just feel like there’s something missing. With Emily.” He pauses again. “I must love her, right?”

“How am I supposed to know?” Leo replies.

He wants to tell Blake that it seems pretty clear that he doesn’t love her, given the number of girls Leo’s seen him go home with recently, but he doesn’t.

“I don’t know what it’s supposed to feel like,” Blake says. “I thought I did. But now… it’s like there’s a wall. And I think it’s always been there. But I didn’t know until….”

His voice trails off and he shakes his head.

“Until what?” Leo asks.

He thinks he knows the answer, but part of him hopes he’s wrong, that it wasn’t his fault for kissing Blake. It hadn’t gone unnoticed that Blake had started acting more distant after that, especially from Emily.

“I don’t want to be like this,” Blake says instead of answering. “I keep thinking, and I know it’s not fair to her, but I keep thinking if I could just find it with another girl, if I could feel that way with someone else, maybe I would know what to do to fix this.”

“But you haven’t.” It’s not a question. It doesn’t have to be. Blake shakes his head.

“There’s something fucking wrong with me,” he says. “I should be happy. Or at least enjoy it. Not that it’s bad, it’s still sex, but it’s like I’m not there. It’s like, when I’m fucking them, it’s just… it’s nothing. It’s mechanical, or, or it’s a fucking performance, or it’s something… I don’t know.”

“Then why are you doing it? You know it’ll kill Emily if she finds out.”

Leo doesn’t bother to mention that this isn’t the first time he’s cheated on her. And he’s almost certain it won’t be the last either. He had considered telling her, but he doesn’t want to alienate Blake by doing that. He had promised himself that he would at least talk with Blake first.

“I know. Maybe I want her to leave me.” He pauses. “I love her, Leo. Maybe not the right kind of love, but I know I want her in my life. She’s fucking amazing. I just wish, I just wish that was enough.”

Leo doesn’t know what to say, so he just nods. They sit quietly for a few minutes, and Leo is trying to think of a good way to change the subject to something less serious when Blake breaks the silence.

“It’s worse when I’m drunk. Sometimes… sometimes I can’t even finish without thinking about – “ He squeezes his eyes shut and shakes his head like he’s trying to clear the image from his mind. “What the fuck is wrong with me?”

He looks like he might cry, or hit something. So Leo grabs the pipe and lighter from off of the floor and hands it to him.

“Here,” he says softly.

Blake takes them and lights the pipe again, taking a long hit and watching the smoke swirl above him as he exhales.

“You know I don’t believe in god,” Blake says. “But I’ve tried praying, or bargaining, or whatever the fuck you want to call it. Doesn’t do shit though.”

“I don’t think this is something you can change,” Leo says. “Maybe you just need to try and accept that you’re – “ He pauses. He knows Blake doesn’t want to hear it out loud. And he doesn’t want to make him more upset than he already is, or make him shut the conversation down entirely. “Maybe you just have to accept how you feel.”

“There has to be something. I just need to figure it out.”

“Well, I don’t think hooking up with a bunch of random girls is going to get you anywhere.”

“Yeah, I know. But sometimes it’s nice to feel wanted.”

Leo doesn’t know how to reply to that, so he doesn’t. He picks up the pipe. Blake holds his hand out to take it once Leo is done.

“You sure you’re alright?” Leo asks. He’s feeling pretty out of it, and he knows that Blake has smoked far more than he has.

“I’m ok,” Blake replies. “I just don’t want to think about this anymore.”

***

Blake’s head buzzes as he walks through the bar doors. He almost decides to leave but he spent far too long arguing with himself to just walk out. It’s different than any of the normal bars he’s been to. Different music for one, but much more than that. He feels out of place and he wishes he had come with someone else. But of course you can’t just casually ask your friends to go to a gay bar with you.

No one asks for his ID at the door, which he’s glad for even though he has a fake, so he walks up to the bar and orders a drink. And then another. And another. Until his head stops buzzing and he doesn’t hate the music quite so much.

By the time he decides to get up he feels fuzzy and distant. So he doesn’t mind when a man comes over and asks him to dance. Instead, he takes his hand and lets himself be led over to the small dance floor. The man is taller than he is, older but not too old. They spin around and Blake almost feels okay for a moment. When the music changes and the man is grinding against Blake, he feels like he’s watching himself through a pane of glass. He knows this is going somewhere and he can’t stop it, so he orders another few drinks and by the time they’re in a taxi on the way back to the man’s house he doesn’t quite remember how he got there.

He knows this is a bad idea but when they’re kissing and he pushes Blake back onto his bed Blake decides he doesn’t care.  And he loses himself in the haze of the alcohol and in the hands and tongues and skin and the next thing he remembers he’s on his hands and knees, fingers clawing into the bedspread and he’s thankful he’s so drunk because it doesn’t hurt at all when the man pushes into him.

When they’re both spent and Blake is lying on his back covered in sweat he can feel the fog lifting from his brain a bit and it scares him. So he pulls his clothes back on and walks out without saying goodbye.

On the cab ride home he stares blankly out the window and he thinks maybe he should text Leo but it’s late and he doesn’t know what he would say, so he doesn’t. He just pays the cab driver and walks through the front door and thanks god that he has a dad who doesn’t care enough to wait up for him or ask where he’s been. He walks into his room and shrugs off his shoes and jeans and collapses into bed, hoping that maybe he won’t remember much in the morning.

Chapter Text

Finn is over at Blake’s house again, this time under the pretense of working on homework together. Even though they aren’t taking any of the same classes, Blake had said that he worked better if he had someone else there.

For the first half hour, Finn manages to pretend that he really is going to get his work done. But he can’t help but steal glances at Blake between algebra problems, and more than once he catches Blake doing the same. Finally, Blake sighs and puts his pencil down.

"I need a break,” he says.

“Yeah. Me too,” Finn replies. They’re both quiet for a moment, just looking at each other. “What, um, what do you want to do?” Finn asks tentatively. He thinks he knows the answer, but he wants Blake to say it, to make the first move.

“Well…” Blake says, looking Finn up and down in a way that makes Finn’s stomach flip. Blake moves closer, until they’re sitting right next to each other. “I was thinking something like this.”

Blake places his hand on Finn’s cheek, tilting his face slightly to kiss him.  Finn melts into his lips, and his hand finds its way to Blake’s thigh. Blake pulls away.

“Is that ok with you?” Blake asks with a smile.

“Yeah,” Finn says, slightly dazed. “Yeah, that sounds good.”

Blake kisses him again, more intensely this time, but it only lasts for a moment before he pulls away again. Finn looks up at him, confused.

“Sorry,” Blake says. “I just wanted to say – I mean I just wanted to make sure that you know that I’m not like, expecting anything from you, yeah?”

“I know,” Finn says. “I like this.” Blake nods.

“Ok. Cool.” He pauses, thinking. “So whatever you want to do, or don’t want to do, is good. And if that’s just kissing, or touching each other, or oral, or whatever, that’s totally fine.”

Finn nods, although he isn’t sure he really believes that Blake wouldn’t prefer to have sex over any of those other options. He knows Blake has much more experience than him, and part of him worries that if he takes things too slow, Blake will get bored of him, and he doesn’t want to lose this, whatever this is.

“I’ve never given a blowjob before,” Finn says after a moment. He feels a little embarrassed saying it, like Blake is going to judge him for his lack of experience. “I’d be worried to do it wrong or something.”

“I could show you,” Blake says. “If you want.” His tone is incredibly casual and it takes Finn a moment to realize what he’s offering.

“It’s ok, you don’t have to.”

“I mean, I’ve been hoping you’d let me suck you off again anyway, and I wouldn’t mind giving you some pointers or whatever while I do it,” Blake says. “But it’s ok if you don’t want to.” Finn’s stomach flips and he feels his cheeks getting warm.

"You want to do it?” Finn asks. Blake nods and puts his hand on Finn’s leg. Finn takes a deep breath. “Ok,” he says. “Yeah.”

Blake leans in and kisses Finn again before pushing him back gently onto the bed. After a moment, Blake slides his hand between Finn’s legs and touches him through his clothes for a few seconds before moving away.

“So, you can really do whatever you want for foreplay,” Blake says. “But I like to build it up a bit, make them want it even more.”

He undoes Finn’s pants and pulls them down slightly, but leaves his boxers on. Blake leans down and softly kisses the inside of Finn’s thighs. He places his hand on Finn’s hips and rubs circles with his thumbs, then he presses his lips against the tip of Finn’s cock through the fabric. He stays there for a moment, the moisture of his tongue and lips barely soaking through Finn’s boxers. Finn whimpers quietly and Blake looks up at him, then pulls away and smiles.

“See?” Blake says.

“Yeah,” Finn says breathlessly.

Blake rubs his palms against Finn’s lower stomach and then pulls his boxers off. He takes Finn’s cock in his hand and strokes him slowly a few times, making sure Finn is fully hard.

“You wanna start kinda slow,” Blake says. “Get the feel of things. Especially if you don’t know how strong your gag reflex is.”

He wraps his lips around the tip of Finn’s cock and sucks lightly before swirling his tongue in circles. Finn is almost glad when he pulls way a few seconds later because he isn’t sure how long he can last with Blake doing that.

“It’s way hotter if you make sure they know you’re enjoying it too,” Blake says, his lips hovering inches away from Finn’s cock. “I dunno if you’re comfortable with dirty talk, but even just making sounds is good.”

He strokes Finn again and then drags his tongue against the underside of his cock slowly. Finn inhales sharply as Blake’s tongue brushes the head of his cock.

“Mmmmm,” Blake moans, licking around the tip. “I’ve been wanting your cock in my mouth again.”

Finn groans as a wave of arousal rushes through him. Blake takes Finn deeper into his mouth and moans again; the vibrations feel amazing and Finn can’t help but thrust into Blake’s mouth. He half expects Blake to gag or pull away, but he doesn’t. He lets Finn thrust deeper, still moving his tongue occasionally. Finn knows he’s close and he thinks briefly that he should tell Blake to stop, but it feels too good.

Blake moves his head away, hollowing his cheeks and sucking as he does. He swirls his tongue around the tip again before pulling Finn’s cock out of his mouth, his lips still brushing the tip. Blake looks up at Finn and then flicks his tongue out. Finn closes his eyes, trying not to come, but Blake looking up at him and all the stimulation is too much. He cries out, and when he opens his eyes Blake is staring at him wide eyed.

“Fuck,” Blake says.

“Sorry,” Finn says, still breathing hard.

“It’s ok,” Blake says, wiping his face with his hand. “A little warning would be nice next time, though. Jesus.”

Finn nods, his face warm both from embarrassment and from the implication that there’s going to be a next time. Blake just watches him for a few moments, waiting for him to catch his breath and pull his boxers and pants back on, then he moves on top of Finn and kisses him. Blake is still fully dressed, but Finn can feel his cock hard against his thigh. After making out for a bit, Finn pushes Blake away slightly.

“Do you want me to…?” Finn asks, his voice trailing off awkwardly. He knows Blake wants him to return the favor, but he still feels too embarrassed to say the words out loud.

“If you want,” Blake says. Finn knows he’s trying not to pressure him, but even his voice betrays just how desperate he is. He pushes his cock against Finn’s thigh again and moans softly.

“I want to,” Finn says. Blake smiles.

“Just so you know,” Blake says as he moves away slightly, “I’m not gonna cum that quickly. It’s not that you’re doing anything wrong it’s just… ya know.”

“Right,” Finn says quietly, his cheeks warm again.

“Oh, and if you don’t want me to cum in your mouth I can tell you when I’m close and you can just toss me off.”

“What, um, what do you prefer?” Finn asks.

“It’s whatever you’re comfortable with,” Blake replies. “Don’t worry about it.”

“I wanna do what you like.”

“I mean, if you let me cum in your mouth and swallow, that would be really fucking hot,” Blake says.

“I can do that,” Finn says.

He isn’t totally sure how he feels about it, but he just wants to do what he can for Blake. He briefly wonders if Emily gives Blake blowjobs and what she does, but he feels weird wondering, so he tries not to think too much about it. Instead, he moves out from underneath Blake and waits for him to lie down on the bed before kissing him again.

Even though he just came, he feels his cock getting half-hard again just kissing Blake and feeling his erection rubbing against him. Finn reaches his hand down and touches Blake, pressing his palm gently against his cock. Blake pushes his hips hard into Finn’s hand and moans softly against his lips. Finn tries to undo Blake’s pants while they kiss, but he can’t quite get it.

“Sorry,” he mumbles as he pulls away. “The button….”

“It’s fine,” Blake says, laughing slightly.

Finn finally gets the button undone and pulls Blake’s pants off. He considers doing exactly what Blake did, but he decides not to. He worries Blake will think it’s boring or not good enough if he does. Besides, Blake is hard enough as is, so he doesn’t think he needs to do much in the way of foreplay. He takes Blake’s boxers off then pauses.

Even though he’s seen and touched Blake’s cock before, he suddenly feels very intimidated. Blake’s cock is bigger than his and he tries to imagine what it’ll be like to have it in his mouth, whether or not he’ll be able to do this without gagging. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down and not be so worried.

“Ok?” Blake asks.

“Yeah, sorry. I just… I don’t want to mess up,” Finn replies.

“Finn, it’s fine. Really.” Blake looks at him for a moment. “I know it’s scary, but, god, I just want my cock in your mouth. Please.”

Finn’s stomach flips and he finds himself just nodding, not capable of forming words. He takes Blake’s cock in his hand and brings his lips to the tip, pausing for another second before taking it into his mouth slightly. Blake moans and squeezes his eyes shut, digging his fingers into the sheet below him. Finn moves his tongue slowly and Blake inhales sharply.

“Fuck,” Blake moans.

Finn takes him just a bit deeper, still uncertain. Blake opens his eyes and looks at Finn with heavy lids.

“You look so hot like this,” Blake says. He places his hand in Finn’s hair and threads his fingers through the strands. “I love seeing you with my cock in your mouth. Fuck.”

Finn is almost completely hard again and his cock twitches with Blake’s words. He hadn’t thought that this would turn him on at all, but the way Blake is looking at him makes him feel like his whole body is on fire. He almost reaches down to touch himself, but he doesn’t.

After a while, Finn pulls his head away. It’s already been longer than what Blake did to him and even though Blake makes noises or swears every now and then, he feels like he’s doing something wrong. He looks up at Blake questioningly, waiting to see if he’ll say anything.

“You ok?” Blake asks, his breathing slightly heavier than normal.

“Yeah,” Finn says. “Am I… am I doing it right?”

“It’s good.”

“You’re sure?” Finn asks. Blake looks at him for a moment before speaking again.

“I mean, if you wanna make it better…” Blake says. “A little more variation would be nice. Like, changing what you’re doing every now and then, focusing on different areas, that kind of thing. And you can use your hands too, for the part that’s not in your mouth.”

“Oh,” Finn says. “Ok, yeah.”

He bites his lip and takes a moment to collect himself. He knows Blake is trying to be helpful, and he’d rather know what to do than keep doing a bad job, but he still feels self-conscious about it. After a few seconds, he strokes Blake a few times and then runs his tongue all the way up the underside of his cock.

“Mmmm, yeah,” Blake moans. “That’s good.”

Finn does the same thing a second time and then takes Blake’s cock into his mouth again. He holds the base with his hand and sucks the tip, swirling his tongue rhythmically until Blake’s breathing is ragged. Finn pulls away almost completely, his lips just barely around the tip, and then he moves his head forward, trying to take as much into his mouth as he can.

Blake runs his fingers through Finn’s hair, tugging his head toward him gently. Finn lets him pull him closer until his eyes start to water and he has to stop himself from gagging. He’s about to pull away when Blake tightens his grip and thrusts deeper.

“Fuck, I’m gonna cum,” Blake moans.

Finn tries his best not to choke or move away as Blake keeps thrusting into his throat. It’s not particularly rough or deep, but it’s overwhelming and Finn is glad when Blake finally comes. Finn moves away quickly, barely managing to swallow before he starts coughing.

“Shit, sorry,” Blake says, still breathing hard. “You ok?”

Finn just nods, still coughing. Blake looks at him with concern until he manages to catch his breath.

"Sorry,” Finn says.

“Don’t apologize, it’s not your fault,” Blake says. “If it helps, that was really good at the end.” Finn smiles, and he wishes those words didn’t remind him that his cock is aching again.

“Thanks,” he says quietly.

Blake sits up and places his palm against Finn’s cheek before kissing him. Finn moans softly and presses his cock against Blake’s thigh. He feels Blake smile against his lips for a moment before he pulls away. Blake cups Finn’s erection with his hand.

“Seems like you enjoyed yourself too,” Blake says. Finn bites his lip and nods. “Want me to take care of this for you?” Blake asks, tightening his grip slightly. Finn gasps and presses hard against Blake’s hand.

“It’s ok,” Finn says. “You already-“

“Just say yes,” Blake says. “I remember what it’s like to be sixteen. You don’t have to feel bad for it.” He waits for a moment to see if Finn will reply before speaking again. “Do you want me to jerk you off?” Blake asks.

“Y-yes, please,” Finn says. He pushes against Blake’s hand again and moans.

Blake pulls away for a moment and Finn misses his touch immediately. But Blake quickly undoes his pants and slides his hand beneath the fabric of Finn’s boxers, gripping him tightly. Finn bucks his hips up and groans. After a moment, he grasps desperately at Blake’s shirt, pulling him close and kissing him.

Blake slides his other hand up the back of Finn’s shirt and traces his fingers across his back. It doesn’t take long for Finn to come, pushing his hips forward into Blake’s hand one last time and shuddering. Blake keeps kissing him for a few moments afterwards before he moves away again.

“Alright?” Blake asks. Finn nods, still catching his breath. “Ok, good.”

Blake lies back on the bed and closes his eyes. Finn just looks at him for a minute, still trying to process everything that just happened. He moves to the side of the bed and lies down next to Blake, wondering how the hell he’s supposed to concentrate on homework now.

Chapter Text

Approximately a year and a half earlier

“We need a name,” Blake says. “Otherwise, we’re not really a band, are we? So, we’re gonna be called Blue Space.”

"Shouldn’t we discuss that?” Dan asks. “We’re all a part of this band.”

“If you don’t like it then you don’t have to be a part of the band,” Blake replies. Leo glares at him but keeps quiet.

“But what does it even mean?” Alec asks.

“It doesn’t mean anything. It sounds nice. It’s some words put together. We needed a name, and I picked one. That’s it.” Blake sounds annoyed by all the questions. “We needed something to put on flyers or whatever for shows and I don’t see you all giving any suggestions.”

“You didn’t even ask us,” Leo says indignantly. Blake rolls his eyes.

“Are we going to keep arguing about this crap or are we going to practice so we don’t sound like shit tomorrow night?” Blake asks.

Leo opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but instead he sighs and walks over to his keyboard, muttering something under his breath.

“You know, just because you sing doesn’t mean it’s your band,” Dan says. “You don’t get to make all the decisions without consulting anyone else.”

“Maybe that would be true if I didn’t also play guitar, write all the songs, and book all our gigs,” Blake replies. “But I do. And if I wanted to, I could play bass a thousand times better than you do anyway. I put more into this fucking band than anyone else and I don’t need you telling me what to do.”

“You’re so full of yourself,” Dan says. “Newsflash, Blake, you’re not fucking special. Knowing how to write shitty songs doesn’t make you better than everyone else.”

Blake stares at Dan silently for a second before moving toward him and shoving him backwards. Blake is about to punch him when Dan grabs the collar of his shirt and pushes him up against the wall.

“You fucking piece of shit,” Dan says. He presses his forearm against Blake’s chest, pinning him tightly so he can’t move. “What the fuck is wrong with you?”

Blake doesn’t say anything. He just stares at Dan, trying not to focus on the fact that both of Dan’s hands are on him and their faces are close enough that he can see the flecks of color in the other boy’s eyes. He tries to hold his body as still as possible, closes his eyes tight for a moment to try and stop his racing thoughts.

“I asked you a question,” Dan hisses, leaning in even closer, so close that Blake can feel his breath on his neck.

“Get off me,” Blake says, his voice shaking slightly.

He isn’t scared of what Dan will do to him, he knows how to take a punch if he has to and he doubts Dan would hit him anyway. What he’s scared of is the possibility that Dan knows what he’s thinking about, that somehow through his body language Dan can tell how he feels.

“Get the fuck off of me,” Blake says, almost yelling this time.

Dan doesn’t move for a few seconds, just staring intently at Blake. Blake is about to try and kick him to get free when Dan lets go and moves away. He watches Blake carefully for a moment, waiting to see if he’ll try and hit him again, but he doesn’t.

After a minute or two of tense silence, Blake walks back over to where his backpack is sitting on the floor and grabs it.

“We should meet up and practice tomorrow,” Blake says, directing the comment at Leo and Alec while avoiding looking at Dan.

“Blake-“ Leo starts to say, but Blake just shakes his head and walks away.

***

A year later

Leo pulls Blake by the arm and drags him outside, leaving everyone else at the party to deal with the aftermath of Blake and Dan’s argument. He slams the front door shut behind them.

“What the hell, Blake?” he yells. Blake just stares at his hand and doesn’t say anything.

“Blake,” Leo says. “Blake, look at me.”

Blake looks up and meets Leo’s eyes, he doesn’t look angry anymore, just tired, or scared. Leo can’t quite read him.

“He deserved it,” Blake mumbles. Leo shakes his head.

“You can’t just go around punching everyone who says things like that.”

“Says who?”

Leo sighs and sits down on the porch swing. After a moment Blake sits with him.

“You know that punching him just makes it seem like you’re hiding something,” Leo says after a moment. Blake is nervously picking at a hole in the knee of his jeans.

“What the hell else was I supposed to do?” Blake asks, his voice quiet but bitter.

“I don’t know Blake. You could’ve laughed it off. Said it wasn’t true. Walked away. You’re gonna get yourself in a lot of trouble someday. Not that this isn’t enough trouble as is.”

“I just don’t want people saying that shit about me,” Blake says. Leo thinks, even if it’s true? But he doesn’t say that out loud.

“Sooner or later, you’re going to have to deal with this, Blake,” Leo says. He doesn’t have to say what this is. They both know. Blake moves his legs a bit and the porch swing moves gently back and forth.

“I’m trying,” Blake says, his voice quiet. He thinks back on the night at the gay bar. “It’s just….” His voice trails off.

“I know,” Leo says. He stands up and turns to look at Blake. “I’m going back in to make sure Dan’s alright and all that. But if you ever want to talk, let me know, okay?” Blake nods and keeps swinging slowly back and forth, staring at the ground.

“Okay.”

Chapter Text

Finn follows Blake into his room and sets his backpack on the floor by the door. Blake walks over to his bed and sits down, leaning back on his elbows, and after a moment Finn sits next to him. They’re both quiet for a minute; Blake seems distracted, and Finn isn’t sure what to do.

Even though Blake keeps asking him to come over and even though each visit to Blake’s house has ended with the two of them making out and touching one another, Finn still isn’t quite sure what to make of all of this. At school and whenever they’re with anyone else, Blake acts the same as he always has, like nothing is different between the two of them.

After a while, Blake turns and looks at Finn, his eyes wandering across Finn’s face for a moment before he says anything.

“What would you think,” Blake says, speaking slowly and deliberately. He pauses for a second. “What would you think about having sex? I mean like, proper sex.”

Finn just stares at him for a moment, not quite sure how to respond.

“You can say no,” Blake says quickly. “It’s ok if you don’t want to. Or if you’re not ready. I just thought, ya know, since we’ve been doing all this for a while now… but it’s fine, really. I’m totally fine with us just making out and-“

“Wait,” Finn says, cutting him off. “Sorry. I was just a bit surprised is all. But, um, I think, I think I would like that.”

“Really?” Blake says, still sounding slightly hesitant. “You’re sure? I don’t want to pressure you.”

“Yeah, I want to,” Finn says, nodding.

Part of him is terrified at the idea, but it would be a lie to say he didn’t desperately want to do it. He had been imagining having sex with Blake for a long time now and he knows he would never forgive himself if he said no and this ended up being his only chance.

“So,” Finn says after a brief pause. “Um, how are we gonna, I mean, who’s gonna….” His voice trails off awkwardly.

“Take it up the arse?” Blake says. Finn nods, feeling his face getting warm. “Have you done it before?” Blake asks.

“No,” Finn says, shaking his head. “Have you?”

He isn’t sure why he’s asking when he’s almost certain the answer is no, but Blake hesitates for a moment, biting his lip nervously and looking down at the floor.

“Yeah, a couple of times,” Blake says, not meeting Finn’s eyes.

“Oh,” Finn says softly. He’s quiet for a few seconds, surprised and not quite sure how to process that information. “Does it… does it hurt?” he finally asks. Blake shakes his head.

“Not if you do it right,” Blake says, looking a bit embarrassed. “Actually, it feels fucking amazing. So, I really don’t mind doing it if that’s what you want.”

Finn thinks for a few moments, trying to decide. He had never thought Blake would offer that, even in his fantasies it had gone the other way, and he isn’t sure what exactly he wants. He takes a deep breath.

“I think I want to try it,” Finn says.

“Yeah?” Blake says, raising his eyebrows slightly.

“Yeah,” Finn replies. “But, um, will you go slow? So it won’t hurt?”

“Of course,” Blake says. “And if you want to stop, just tell me, ok?”

“Ok.”

Blake leans over and kisses Finn gently, placing his hand under Finn’s chin and tilting his head up slightly. Blake doesn’t let the kiss last long before pulling away. He looks at Finn for a moment, thinking.

“Do you want to lie down for me?” Blake asks. “I think that’ll be the best way to do this.”

“Ok,” Finn says. “Should I take my clothes off?” Blake nods.

“Yeah.”

Finn pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it onto the floor before undoing his pants and taking them off as well. Blake sits on the edge of the bed and opens his bedside table drawer, pulling out a bottle of lube and a condom before closing the drawer again. Finn lies back against Blake’s pillows, naked, and watches as Blake gets undressed. Blake turns and looks at Finn for a moment, his eyes wandering across the other boy’s body.

“Fuck you’re gorgeous,” Blake says quietly.

He climbs on top of Finn and all Finn can focus on is the warmth of Blake’s body against his, his fears melting away into Blake’s touch. Blake buries his head against Finn’s neck, pressing his lips against the flushed skin, and Finn lets his eyes flutter shut.

Finn pushes up against Blake, wrapping his arms tight around Blake’s shoulders and Blake moans. They stay like that for a while, moving against one another slowly, until Blake pulls away.

“Ok?” Blake asks. Finn nods. “You still want to do this?”

“Yeah,” Finn says.

“Ok, good,” Blake says.

He turns slightly, reaching over and grabbing the bottle of lube from his bedside table. He opens it and squeezes some into his hand before setting the bottle down on the bed.

“It’s gonna be a bit cold and it might feel weird at first, but it’ll get better, ok?” Blake says.

“Ok,” Finn says quietly.

Blake moves into a better position, leaning down and softly kissing the inside of Finn’s thighs. Finn shudders slightly, and he realizes he’s been tensing his muscles. He exhales slowly, trying to relax, to focus on Blake’s touch and not on all the thoughts swirling through his head.

“Would you spread your legs a bit more?” Blake asks.

Finn nods and shifts a bit. Blake places one hand against Finn’s thigh, moving his thumb slowly back and forth, and moves the other hand between Finn’s legs, pressing slowly into him.

It feels strange, but not bad, and Finn tries to focus on his breath and on Blake’s hand still resting on his leg. Blake pushes his finger in all the way, then moves it slightly, crooking the tip until Finn feels a jolt of pleasure and lets out a gasp.

“You alright?” Blake asks. Finn just nods quickly, unable to find his voice. Blake smiles. “Feels good, yeah?” he says, thrusting his finger in and out slowly.

“Mmmhmm,” Finn says, squeezing his eyes shut.

Blake leans in to kiss him and Finn eagerly kisses back, letting Blake slide his tongue into his mouth as he pushes a second finger into him. It’s uncomfortable for a moment, but Blake kissing him is enough of a distraction to keep him from tensing up too much. Blake slowly works Finn up to a third finger before pulling away. He traces his hand across Finn’s cheek, looking down at him for a moment.

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Blake asks.

“I’m sure,” Finn says.

Blake smiles reassuringly at him, then grabs the condom from his bedside table. He opens the packet and rolls the condom on, tossing the wrapper on the floor next to their discarded clothing, then grabs more lube. He shifts his body slightly, lining his hips up and pausing for a few seconds before pushing slowly into Finn. He inhales sharply.

“Fuck,” Blake moans. He grips Finn’s hips tightly and pushes in deeper. “Fuck, you feel just as good as I imagined.”

Finn bites his lip hard and groans, Blake’s words sending a wave of arousal through his body. He loves knowing that he can make Blake feel good, that Blake wants him, that Blake has imagined this moment before.

Blake leans down and kisses Finn desperately, still thrusting slowly into him, their heated breath mixing together in a mess of tongues and lips and teeth. Finn moves his knees up and wraps his legs around Blake’s waist, pulling him deeper, and Blake moans into Finn’s mouth.

They stay that way for a while, their warm bodies pressed tightly together. Even though Blake is still moving slowly, all of the sensations are a bit overwhelming for Finn, and he isn’t sure how long he’ll be able to last. Blake kisses Finn deeply one more time before pulling away slightly. He looks at Finn for a moment and Finn reaches up, brushing Blake’s sweat dampened hair off his forehead.

“Can I…” Blake says, his voice ragged. “Fuck. Are you, are you alright if I go faster?”

Finn wants to reply, but he can barely catch his breath, let alone form a coherent sentence, so he just nods quickly before pulling Blake back against him. Blake buries his head against Finn’s shoulder, groaning as he starts to move faster, thrusting deep into Finn.

“Blake,” Finn moans, digging his fingers hard into Blake’s back as he comes.

Finn’s eyes fall shut and his head is swimming, but he can feel Blake push hard into him one more time before he cries out and tenses on top of him. By the time his head clears, Blake has moved off of him and is lying by his side, panting heavily.

“Fuck,” Blake says quietly, staring up at the ceiling

They both lie there for a few moments, then Finn reaches over and places his hand on Blake’s chest. He can feel Blake’s heart beating rapidly against his palm. Blake places his hand over Finn’s and Finn shifts slightly, moving closer until he’s pressed against Blake’s body.

“Good?” Blake asks, squeezing Finn’s hand.

“Good,” Finn replies.

Chapter Text

Approximately six months earlier

It had been about a month since the first time Blake went to the gay bar, and he had tried to convince himself that he wouldn’t go back, that it had been a mistake, a lapse in judgment, a fleeting desire that didn’t really mean anything. But now, he finds himself there again, talking with a man who makes his heart race every time he places his hand on Blake’s arm.

“How old are you?” the man asks, raising his voice over the pounding music. “Sorry, you just look quite young.”

“Eighteen,” Blake replies after a pause that’s just a few seconds too long. The word tastes bitter in his mouth.

He knows he shouldn’t lie about it, but he also knows if he tells the truth the man might stop talking to him. Besides, it’s only a few months until his birthday, he reasons, it’s not like he’s that young.

“Eighteen?”

Blake nods. The way the man says it makes Blake pretty sure that he knows it’s not true. He looks Blake up and down for a moment.

“Let me buy you a drink,” he says.

“Ok.”

Blake follows him back to the bar and stands slightly behind him while he orders something. Blake isn’t really paying much attention, caught up watching the flashing lights and people moving around. The man hands him a glass and he takes a sip, wrinkling his face up slightly as he does.

“What is this?” Blake asks.

“Do you not like it?”

“It’s strong.”

“I can get you something else.”

Blake shakes his head and takes another sip to show it’s ok. He knows he’s already pretty drunk, probably too drunk if he’s being honest with himself, but he doesn’t want the man to think he can’t handle it. So he keeps taking small sips until the glass is empty.

He sets the glass down on a table and the man grabs his arm and pulls him through the hazy air and warm bodies out to the front of the club. In the soft glow of the streetlights the man is even more attractive, and Blake briefly considers kissing him before he remembers the strangers clustered around them, smoking and chatting in the cold night air.

“Do you smoke?” the man asks.

“Cigarettes? Yeah, I have a pack if you want one,” Blake says. He goes to reach into his pocket, but the man places his hand over Blake’s to stop him.

“Not cigarettes.” He fumbles in his coat pocket for a moment before pulling out a joint. He holds it out questioningly to Blake.

“Oh,” Blake says. “Yeah.” The man smiles at him.

“Good. Care to share this with me?”

Blake isn’t quite sure why he’s offering, they’ve barely just met, and Blake feels as though he’s made it reasonably clear that he’s interested in sex, even without the offer of free drugs. But he knows better than to turn it down, so he just nods.

“Let’s go somewhere a bit quieter,” the man says, tucking the joint back into his pocket.

He takes Blake’s arm again and they follow the wall of the building to the side alleyway. The man glances down the darkened street before turning, pulling Blake along with him. He leans against the brick wall and lets go of Blake’s arm. Blake grabs his lighter from his pocket and offers it to the man, who gives him a small smile as he takes it.

They’re both quiet for a while, passing the joint back and forth and barely looking at one another. Blake feels awkward; he thinks that if this were happening with a girl, he’d have her against the wall by now, all messy tongues and hands until they stumbled into a cab together. But this is different. He doesn’t understand how to navigate this world and it makes him feel terribly young and inexperienced.

As they near the end of the joint, Blake starts to feel distant, like he’s floating above the rooftops looking down on himself. He takes a deep breath, trying to calm down, the cold air in front of him turning white as he exhales.

“Do you want to get out of here?” the man asks.

Blake nods without thinking, and it isn’t until they’re sitting in the back seat of a cab that he realizes how foggy his head feels, how hard it is to stop everything from sliding together. By the time they get to the man’s apartment, he isn’t so sure this is a good idea, but he doesn’t think anything he’s done tonight has been a good idea, so he lets the man lead him to the bedroom.

They stand near the door for a moment before the man helps Blake take his coat off, tossing it onto the floor. He kisses Blake forcefully and Blake kisses back, hoping that even though he can barely form a coherent thought, he can still manage to do this reasonably well.

After a few minutes, the man pushes Blake down onto his knees and starts undoing his pants. Blake’s head is spinning, and he suddenly realizes that he really wants to leave now, that he’s too drunk and too high and he doesn’t want to do this anymore. Somewhere behind all the alcohol and numbness, he feels a surge of panic course through him, but his body stays frozen in place.

He barely moves, the hardwood floor pressing hard against his knees through his jeans, until the man rubs the tip of his cock against his bottom lip. Blake looks up, but he can’t quite get his eyes to focus and everything looks wrong.

“You look lovely on your knees,” the man says. His voice seems far too soft compared to everything else about him. He grabs Blake’s hair and tugs his head closer to his body. “Open your mouth.”

Blake hesitates for a moment. He briefly imagines himself standing up and walking out of the apartment, out onto the cold street, alone in the dark night. He opens his mouth.

He nearly chokes as the man pushes his cock into his mouth. He wants to pull away, but the man’s hands are still gripping his hair tightly and he doesn’t know if he can. He tries to stay calm, pushing all of his fear behind the veil of drugs and vague arousal.

He moves his tongue, trying to remember what he likes done to him, but he can’t think clearly. He has no idea if he’s doing anything right, but it feels like an eternity before the man pulls away, his breathing heavy as he looks down at Blake. Blake wipes his mouth hard against his shirtsleeve.

“Not bad,” the man says, and Blake wishes those two words didn’t make him as happy as they do.

“I’ve never done that before,” Blake says quietly, more to himself than anything. The man raises his eyebrows.

“You been fucked before?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

“Good.”

He motions for Blake to get up and get on the bed. Blake complies, undressing and tossing his clothes on the floor. He lies down and the man climbs on top of him and Blake lets himself be kissed and touched, trying his best to enjoy the sensations and not worry. But he can’t quite keep track of what’s happening. By the time the man pushes into him, the panic is rising up again. His chest is tight and he feels trapped by the weight of the man on top of him.

“Stop,” Blake says, barely able to get the word out.

“Shhh,” the man says, pressing his index finger against Blake’s lips. “You don’t really want me to stop, do you?” He wraps his hand around Blake’s cock and strokes him roughly a few times. Blake bites his lip hard, but he can’t keep himself from groaning. “See?” the man says. “You like it.”

He pushes hard into Blake again and Blake squeezes his eyes shut tight. He feels like he can barely breathe, can barely think. Everything keeps slipping in and out of focus, hazy and broken like a half-remembered dream.

He wants to tell him to stop again, but he doesn’t think it would matter. And maybe the man is right. Maybe he does like it. His cock certainly does, aching and getting harder with every thrust deep inside him. He knows that even with all the alcohol he’s going to come soon, and he hates himself for it. Hates the way that his body doesn’t seem to care that he’s scared and confused and he doesn’t want this man inside him.

He doesn’t quite remember what happens between that moment and when he’s lying on the bed, the man next to him instead of on top. All he knows is his stomach is covered in his own cum and he doesn’t think that he’ll ever feel truly clean, no matter how hard he scrubs his skin.

“Here, put your clothes on,” the man says, handing a pile of fabric to Blake. Blake takes them and doesn’t say anything. “I’ll call you a cab.”

The man tries to talk to him a few times as they wait for the cab to arrive, but Blake stays silent. Once he’s outside on the sidewalk, he can’t tell if he’s shaking or just shivering from the cold.

The upstairs light is on in his house when the cab driver pulls up, and Blake almost tells him to keep driving, to take him anywhere else. But he knows he can’t. He knows he doesn’t have anywhere else to go.

He stands in front of the door, his hands shaking too much to fit the key into the lock, until the door swings violently open, almost hitting him in the face. He stumbles backward slightly.

“Get the fuck inside,” his dad says. Blake stares at him without moving for a moment before walking inside. “Fucking idiot,” his dad mutters, slamming the door shut behind them.

Blake starts to walk to the stairs, hoping that maybe, maybe his dad will let him go to his room without asking any questions.

“Where the hell do you think you’re going?” his dad asks, grabbing his arm roughly.

“Bed,” Blake says. He tries to tug his arm away, but his dad pulls him closer.

“You’ve been drinking.”

Blake doesn’t say anything for a moment. He knows it’s far too obvious that he has been for him to try and convince his dad otherwise.

“I’m almost eighteen.”

His dad looks at him, disgusted, for a moment before he sighs and lets go of his arm.

“I have work in four hours, I don’t have time for this shit. Go to bed. We’ll talk about this tomorrow.”

He turns and walks up the stairs. Blake waits a few seconds before following behind him. He doubts his dad will actually follow through on talking to him tomorrow, but he knows he’ll still have to find a way to avoid him for the next few days unless he wants to get yelled at.

As soon as he opens the door to his room, he wants to lie down on his bed and pass out. But his clothes smell like alcohol and smoke, and it makes him feel like he might throw up. He takes everything off and tosses the heap of clothing onto the floor. He briefly glances at his reflection in the mirror hanging on his door, but the sight of his own naked body makes him sick. So he just walks over to his bed and gets in, pulling the comforter around himself as tightly as he can.

Chapter Text

Blake and Leo are sitting on the floor of Leo’s room, sharing a joint, music playing in the background. It’s comfortable, something they’ve done dozens of times before over the years they’ve been friends.

“This is nice,” Blake says. “Things have been crazy lately.”

Between school, recording and upcoming tours, they haven’t had much time to themselves. Leo passes the joint to Blake.

“I missed this,” Leo says. “Just the two of us.” Blake nods.

They don’t need to say much; the silence is comfortable and familiar. Eventually Blake begins to feel the effects of the drug, his thoughts feel further away, he can feel the music buzzing in his limbs, his eyes are heavy. He realizes he’s been looking at Leo for a while, studying his face. Leo meets his eyes and smiles.

Blake hadn’t realized how close they were, their knees pressing against each other. His body feels warm and tingly. Leo is still looking at him, his eyes drooping slightly, his face flushed. Blake suddenly wants nothing more than to close the distance between them and press his lips against Leo’s. But he knows he can’t. Knows their previous kiss was a one-time deal. And then Leo leans toward him and kisses him and his mind goes blank for a moment.

Blake runs his hands along Leo’s back, tracing the faint outline of his spine. Leo’s hands are resting on Blake’s hips and Blake feels like there’s an electric current surging through him. He pushes himself into Leo; he can feel the other boy’s heart racing, his breath hot and heavy. Leo tugs on Blake’s shirt, pulling him closer. Blake shifts his legs and moves until he’s sitting on Leo’s lap, their chests pressed against one another. Blake moves his hips, grinding down on Leo and Leo groans, breaking away from the kiss.

“Fuck, Blake,” he says, burying his head against Blake’s neck.

They stay like that for a while, moving slowly together. With every shift Blake feels like his nerve endings are on fire. Even with clothes on, the friction is intense and both of them are breathing heavily. It’s good, amazing, but Blake is aching for something more. Leo pushes up into him again and he moans.

“Please,” he says. He doesn’t know what he’s asking for, but Leo seems to understand.

“We should,” he starts, his voice breathy. He motions to his bed instead of finishing the sentence. Blake nods quickly and stands up, tugging off his clothes as he does.

Leo pulls his shirt off, pausing to rifle through a drawer for lube. He finds it and tosses the bottle to Blake. Blake catches it and lies down on the bed, his whole body on fire. He watches Leo as he shrugs his jeans and boxers off, it seems as though the other boy is moving agonizingly slow, all Blake wants is Leo to touch him, to feel his body pressing against him.

Finally, Leo climbs onto the bed, straddling Blake. Blake can’t help but press up into him, grabbing his shoulders and pulling him into a messy kiss. After a moment Leo moves away from Blake’s lips, kissing down his neck, chest, and stomach. Leo runs his hands along Blake’s thighs, coaxing them apart, then brushes his lips across them, making Blake shudder. Blake squeezes his eyes shut and focuses on Leo’s touch, sending burst of pleasure like fireworks through his body.

“Blake,” Leo says.

“Hmmm?” Blake replies, opening his eyes slightly. His lids feel incredibly heavy. Leo looks up at him, his lips curled into a small smile.

“Lube,” Leo says.

Blake grabs the bottle that he hastily deposited on the bed next to him and passes it to Leo. Blake lets his eyes fall shut again, his legs trembling slightly, desperate for Leo’s touch.

Blake whimpers as Leo pushes a finger into him. He wonders if Leo’s done this before. He suspects he has, with girls, and he wonders if Leo would tell him if he’d been with another boy before. For a long time they told each other everything, Blake remembers hearing about when Leo lost his virginity, remembers telling Leo about his first time with Emily. But somewhere along the way they stopped, and Blake briefly feels guilty for all the things he hasn’t told Leo, especially about him and Finn.

But then Leo moves his finger in a way that makes Blake forget all of that, his thoughts replaced by a surge of pleasure. He groans loudly, bucking his hips up as Leo gently thrusts his finger before adding another.

“Fuck,” he moans. “I need you in me.”

“You’re sure?” Leo asks.

“Please.”

Leo doesn’t need any more reassurance, both of them desperate, and he slides slowly into Blake, inhaling sharply as he does. Blake is breathing heavily, his fingers clawing into the mattress below him, eyes squeezed tightly shut.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Blake groans.

Leo pushes all the way in and leans down, burying his face against Blake’s neck. Blake grips onto Leo, digging his fingers into the other boy’s back.

Leo starts to move, slow at first. Blake feels his eyes roll back in his head. Leo sucks at his neck, hard enough that Blake knows he’ll have hickeys tomorrow. He tightens his grip on Leo and Leo groans and starts to thrust faster. Blake had forgotten how good sex was high and he feels like he’s going to explode from pleasure, he never wants it to end.

“I’m close,” Leo says, his voice muffled against Blake’s skin.

Blake nods, he is too, he can feel the heat starting to pool in his stomach. He pulls Leo into a desperate kiss, more a clash of tongues and teeth than anything else. He doesn’t know if or when they’ll do this again and he wants as much of Leo as he can get, worried that this is the last time he’ll ever have the opportunity. Leo pushes deep into Blake one last time, groaning into the kiss as he comes.

“Leo, please,” Blake groans after a moment, and Leo reaches between them and strokes Blake. It barely takes anything before Blake comes into his hand, swearing as he does.

They both collapse onto the bed, panting heavily. Blake’s limbs are heavy and he can feel his eyes starting to fall shut. But he doesn’t want it to be over. He wants to curl up against Leo, feel the warmth of the other boy’s skin against his. But he worries that it would cross some invisible line between them. He knows Leo would never do this with him if he were sober; he worries that tomorrow when Leo thinks about what happened he’ll regret everything.

So Blake reaches over and squeezes Leo’s hand before standing up. Leo watches him drowsily as he pulls his clothing back on.

“Bye Leo,” Blake says softly.

“Bye Blake,” Leo replies before burying his head into a pillow. Blake walks out and closes the door behind him, wishing he had stayed.

Chapter Text

Approximately six months earlier

Leo is walking to the parking lot after school when Emily runs up to him.

“Leo, wait up,” she says. “I wanna talk to you.”

Leo stops briefly and waits for her to catch up before continuing to walk to where his car is parked. He’s a bit surprised she wants to talk to him, they’re not particularly good friends, but he’s almost certain he knows what’s going on.

“What’s up?” Leo asks.

“Um, just, Blake has been… weird the past few days and I didn’t know if, maybe you knew what was going on? Like if he was upset with me?” Emily pauses for a second. “I know I should talk to him instead of coming to you, but he’s kind of been avoiding me and I don’t know what else to do.”

“I think he’s avoiding everyone,” Leo says. “I’ve barely seen him outside of the classes we have together. And even then, he hasn’t really been talking to me.”

“Do you know why?”

“No idea. He also cancelled band practice yesterday over text and never responded when we asked him why.”

“Oh, wow,” Emily says. “I mean, that’s not good, but it is nice to know it’s not just me.”

“Yeah.”

“So we should probably try and talk to him then, yeah?” Emily asks.

“Probably,” Leo replies. “I can try and catch him after class tomorrow if you want.”

“That would be great. I don’t think I’ve even seen him for more than a few minutes all week. Just keep me updated, ok?”

“For sure,” Leo says. He stops next to his car. “I’ll text you.”

“Thanks,” Emily says. She waves and walks away.

Leo stands next to his car for a few moments, trying to collect his thoughts, before he opens the door and gets in.

“Hey, Blake,” Leo says as Blake gets up to walk out of the classroom the next day.

“What?” Blake says.

“Can I talk to you?”

Blake just stares at him blankly for a few moments without saying anything.

“I don’t want to talk,” he finally says.

“Come on, I’m not mad or anything. I just wanna know what’s going on.”

“Nothing is going on.”

Blake turns around and starts to walk away but Leo runs up to him and gently grabs his arm. Blake flinches.

“Don’t touch me,” he says, his voice slightly panicked. Leo pulls his hand away.

“Where are you going anyway?” Leo asks. “I haven’t seen you at lunch all week.”

“Outside,” Blake says.

“You’re just sitting outside all lunch period? Have you been eating?”

“Why do you care?”

“Can I come with you?” Leo asks.

“I don’t think you’re gonna listen if I say no,” Blake replies.

Leo doesn’t know how to respond to that, so he just follows Blake outside. Blake barely acknowledges him, walking a bit away from the door and lighting up a cigarette. Leo notices his hands shaking slightly as he does.

It’s raining lightly and Leo wishes he had gotten a jacket even though they’re close enough to the wall to still be underneath the roof. He waits a few minutes silently, just watching Blake.

“You’ve been acting really weird,” Leo says. Blake doesn’t say anything. If they weren’t so close together Leo wouldn’t even be sure Blake had heard him. “Emily’s worried about you too.”

“I’m fine.”

Blake doesn’t even turn to look at him, his eyes trained on something far off in the distance. He seems oddly stiff, barely moving except to bring the cigarette to his mouth for a moment before dropping his hand to his side again.

“Can you please look at me?” Leo asks.

Blake doesn’t move for a moment, almost long enough that Leo considers repeating himself, and then turns his body slightly. He makes eye contact for a split second before staring at the ground in front of him. Leo can immediately tell that something is off, something about his eyes or the way his expression is too blank.

“Are you on something?” Leo asks. Blake glances up at him again.

“Fuck you,” he says. “Can’t you just leave me alone?”

“You are, aren’t you? Jesus Christ, Blake.”

“Why the hell do you even care? It’s none of your fucking business if I am.”

“Look, if you want to get high or whatever I can’t stop you. But you’re pushing everyone who cares about you away. You won’t talk to anyone, you’re cancelling band practice and any other plans anyone tries to make with you, you’re out here alone every day instead of eating lunch. You should really think hard about whether or not it’s worth it to completely isolate yourself for this.”

Blake doesn’t respond for a few long moments. He flicks his cigarette butt on the ground and it sizzles slightly on the wet pavement. He takes a deep breath.

“Are you gonna tell anyone?” Blake asks, his voice almost too quiet for Leo to hear.

“Emily asked me to talk to you, I think she should know.”

“No, not that. Like, a teacher or someone.”

“I don’t want to get you in trouble, I just want you to be ok.” Leo pauses for a second. “And maybe I should tell someone. Because clearly something pretty serious is going on.”

“Don’t,” Blake says. “Please. I just, I’ve just been… things have been fucked lately and I just need to get through these next few weeks, ok?”

“And you need to be on drugs to do that?” Leo asks incredulously.

“I couldn’t, I couldn’t like think or, or sleep or fucking anything, ok? I needed something.”

“What are you even taking?”

“I dunno, benzos or some shit,” Blake says. He presses his palms against his head.

“Couldn’t you have gotten a prescription for that? Or something else? I mean, if things were that bad….”

“Yeah, lemme just pop in to my GP and get that,” Blake says sarcastically. “I’m sure he wouldn’t ask any fucking questions. If I could even get an appointment in the next three weeks.”

“And you think that this is somehow the better solution?” Leo asks. “You’re obviously taking more than you should be and you’re not fixing anything.”

“I just need to get through this,” Blake says. “I just need to get through this and then I’ll be fine.”

“Get through what?” Leo asks, frustrated.

“It’s stupid,” Blake says, shaking his head. “I don’t know why I’m so fucked up over it.”

“Blake, can you please just tell me?”

Blake looks at Leo for a bit, biting his lip anxiously.

“You can’t tell Emily,” he says.

“I told her that-“

“I won’t tell you unless you promise,” Blake says, cutting Leo off before he can finish. Leo sighs.

“Fine.”

“I… I fucked up, ok? I know I fucked up.”

“You cheated on her again,” Leo says. It’s not a question.

“Yeah, ok? I did. And I was drunk. And high. And I didn’t use a fucking condom and I can’t have sex with her until I figure this shit out and I can’t talk to her or she’s gonna fucking kill me.”

“You need to tell her,” Leo says.

“I can’t. She’ll break up with me. I can’t do that again.”

“She should break up with you. I have no idea why she still trusts you. I mean, how many times have you done this?”

“You don’t understand,” Blake says quietly.

“Why are you doing this to her?” Leo says. “Why are you leading her on?”

“I’m not fucking leading her on.”

“You’re gay, Blake,” Leo says.

Blake looks like he’s just been slapped, and Leo immediately regrets saying it. They’re both silent for a while and Leo is about to apologize when Blake speaks again.

“I was terrified I might have gotten AIDS,” Blake says, his voice barely above a whisper. “My dad always said that’s what would happen if I was a faggot. I’d get AIDS and die. And I thought maybe, maybe he was right.”

Leo doesn’t know what to say. He just stares at Blake, who won’t meet his eyes and looks like he might cry.

“I didn’t,” Blake says. “That’s what they said. But other shit I have to wait to find out. And a blood test to be sure.” He takes a deep breath. “Two weeks. I gotta wait two weeks to know.”

“I’m so sorry,” Leo says softly. “I didn’t know.”

Part of him wants to be mad at Blake, mad at him for cheating on Emily, mad at him for lying and being careless enough to get drunk and have unprotected sex, presumably with a man he didn’t even know. But Blake looks absolutely terrified, so he doesn’t say anything.

“I’m so fucking stupid,” Blake says, swiping angrily at his eyes with his coat sleeve. “And I know Em should know, ok? But I can’t do it. I can’t lose her right now.”

“You have to be better to her,” Leo says. “She loves you, Blake. Otherwise she would have left you a thousand times by now.”

Blake nods but just stands there quietly for a minute. He pulls his lighter out of his pocket and stares at it for a moment before putting it back.

“I’m going to hell, aren’t I?” Blake says.

“I thought you didn’t believe in hell.”

“I don’t. But if anyone deserves to go there, it’s me.”

Leo looks at him sadly for a moment, not sure how to respond.

“We should go inside,” he finally says. “And you need to eat something.”

Blake just nods silently and follows Leo back into the building.

***

A couple days later, Blake is out with Emily and a handful of other acquaintances, trying to keep himself distracted. After a few drinks and pretending to be interested in whatever small talk and gossip everyone is talking about, Blake almost feels like things are normal again. When there’s a lull in the conversation and people get up to grab more drinks, Emily tugs on his arm.

“Blake, can we talk?” Emily asks.

“Yeah, sure,” he says, trying not to let those words bring up his thinly veiled anxiety.

He stands up and follows her outside. They walk a few steps away from the door and lean against the brick wall. Blake lights up a cigarette.

“What do you wanna talk about?” he asks. Emily takes a deep breath.

“I know you’ve been sleeping with other girls,” she says. Blake winces.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

“I was pretty sure, so I talked with Leo. He told me it’s been happening a lot. He said he was considering coming to me if you didn’t stop.”

“Em, I’m sorry. I don’t know what to say.”

“I love you, Blake. I really do,” Emily says, looking up at Blake. He feels a twinge of guilt.

“I love you too. It won’t happen again.”

“Don’t lie to me,” Emily says. Blake expected her to be angry, but instead she just sounds sad. “We’ve been through this enough times. I just can’t believe that shit anymore.” Blake takes a drag of his cigarette, exhaling the smoke slowly into the crisp night air

“What do you want me to say then? What do you want me to do?” he asks.

“I just want you to tell me the truth,” she says. “I want you to be honest.”

“Alright,” Blake says with a sigh. He pauses for a moment, trying to figure out what to say. “The truth is, I love you. And I want to be with you. But I don’t know if I can commit to being exclusive. I’ve tried. I know it doesn’t seem like it, but I have. I don’t want to lose you, but I can’t promise this won’t keep happening.”

Emily takes a deep breath and leans against Blake. He wraps his arm around her, nestling her close to his chest.

“I love you,” she says. “Maybe it’s stupid of me to still love you after all of this.”

“Probably,” Blake says.

“I’ve been thinking about this a lot. I realized that it’s not the sleeping around that really bothers me. It’s the secrecy and lying and hiding things.” She pauses. “I’m not asking you to stop. But just don’t lie to me, ok? I want you to talk to me. I’m your girlfriend, Blake.”

Blake is surprised. He expected Emily to end things. She had before, over similar transgressions on his part, even if she came back shortly after.

“You’re… ok with it?” he asks.

“Yeah,” she says. “I’m ok with it. But I want to set some rules, alright?”

“Of course, yeah.”

“Ok. Most important, I need you to be safe,” she says. Blake nods. “And if you have unprotected sex, I need you to tell me.”

“Ok,” Blake says. He feels another pang of guilt thinking about that night. Usually he was careful, but of course she had no way of knowing that. And he hates himself for the fact that her worries aren’t completely unfounded.

“You don’t need to tell me whenever you sleep with someone. But if I ask you, you need to tell me the truth. And if it ever becomes more than a once or twice kind of thing, then I’d like to know.”

“Yeah, alright,” Blake says.

“And I can sleep with other people too,” she says. “I don’t know if I will. But it only seems fair.” Blake laughs a little.

“But you’ve got to follow your own rules,” he says with a smile.

“It’s a deal,” she says. Blake drops his finished cigarette on the ground and kisses the top of Emily’s head.

“Shall we go back inside?” he asks. “I’m sure everyone’s missing us.”

“Yeah,” she says. “Will you dance with me?”

“I’d love to,” Blake says. He grabs her hand and pushes the door open.

Chapter Text

The morning after sleeping with Leo, Blake walks up to the front door of Alec’s house and rings the doorbell, shifting anxiously back and forth as he waits. After a moment Alec’s mom swings the door open.

“Oh, Blake, hello, so nice to see you,” she says with a smile. “Let me get Alec for you.”

She leaves the door cracked open and dashes off into the house. Blake hears her yell Alec’s name and a minute later Alec shows up at the door. His hair is messy and he’s dressed only in boxers and a t-shirt.

“What do you want?” Alec asks.

“Well, a hello would be nice,” Blake replies.

“Hello, why the hell are you at my house this early?”

“It’s almost eleven,” Blake says. Alec rolls his eyes.

“Whatever. What’s the deal? You never stop by like this.”

“What? Is it a crime to come and visit my dear friend on this lovely Saturday morning?” Blake asks. “I just wanted to chat. Aren’t you going to invite me in?”

“Yeah, yeah, come on in,” Alec says, holding the door open for Blake. They walk up the stairs and into Alec’s disheveled room. Alec grabs a bottle of rum off of his dresser and holds it out to Blake.

“Want any?” he asks. Blake wants to comment on the fact that it’s barely past ten thirty, but he just shakes his head. Alec shrugs and pours himself a glass before sitting on his unmade bed.

“So,” Alec says. “What exactly do you want to chat about?” Blake walks over and sits on the bed next to Alec.

“I need some advice, I guess,” Blake says. Alec raises his eyebrows but stays silent, waiting for Blake to continue. “Have you ever hooked up with someone and then realized you have feelings for them?” he asks.

“Jesus, Blake, you have a girlfriend,” Alec says after a moment of silence.

“You think I don’t know that?” Blake says, annoyed. Alec sighs.

“Why are you asking me for advice anyway? How the hell would I know what to do?”

“Who else am I supposed to ask?”

“Leo?”

“No,” Blake says quickly. He pauses for a second. “He would… he would tell me to break up with Emily.”

“I might tell you the same thing,” Alec says.

“I can’t.”

“Blake, it’s not fair to her. I know you two have your open relationship thing or whatever, but this is different. If you have feelings for someone else, you shouldn’t be with her.”

“I’m not breaking up with her,” Blake replies.

“Then I don’t know what the fuck to tell you.”

“Just, what would you do? If you were me?”

“Well, first of all I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone I felt the need to cheat on,” Alec says.

“It’s not cheating.”

“Not anymore. But it was for a long time. I don’t know why the hell she put up with it. And I don’t think that letting you sleep with other people is the solution. Because it seems pretty clear to me that you don’t actually want to be with her.”

“That’s not fucking true,” Blake snaps. He takes a deep breath. “I love her, ok? I do. It’s just… complicated. It’s really complicated. And I don’t know how to explain it to you.”

They both stay quiet for a few minutes. Alec gets up to refill his glass, then drinks it quickly before filling it again.

“You’re gonna kill yourself drinking like that,” Blake says. He knows it’s a mean thing to say, but he’s upset enough not to care. Alec ignores him.

“So you’re not gonna break up with her,” Alec says, sitting back on the bed. “And you have feelings for this other girl.”

“Yeah,” Blake says. Part of him wants to correct Alec, tell him it’s not some other girl, but he knows that’s not a conversation he’s anywhere near ready to have with Alec.

“But it was just a hookup, right? So she might not feel the same.”

“She doesn’t,” Blake says.

“How do you know?”

“I just do.”

“Well, that makes things simpler,” Alec says.

“Does it?”

“I mean, you can either just end things totally, or keep having sex or whatever and that’s it.”

“I guess,” Blake says. “It’s just, I don’t want either of those things.”

“Then what do you want? A relationship?” Alec asks.

“I don’t know.”

“I think you should end things,” Alec says after a moment. “You need to accept that nothing more is gonna come out of this. Otherwise, you’re gonna fuck up your relationship with Emily even more than you already have.”

“Yeah,” Blake says with a sigh. “You’re probably right. I just, I’ve never felt this way about someone before.”

“Look, I told you what I think you should do,” Alec says. “But you’re the one who has to make the decision and figure this shit out.”

“I know,” Blake says. He pauses briefly before standing up. “I gotta go though, I told Finn I’d hang out with him later today.”

“Ok, I’ll see you,” Alec says.

“Yeah. Thanks for your help.”

“Of course. Good luck with everything.”

“Thanks, I think I’m gonna need it.”

Blake gets out of his car, walks up to Finn’s door, and rings the doorbell. He pulls his phone out and checks his messages while he waits for Finn to answer. After a minute or two the door swings open.

“Afternoon,” Blake says with a smile.

 “Come on in,” Finn says, moving to the side to let Blake in.

Blake takes his boots off and hangs his jacket on Finn’s coat rack before following Finn upstairs to his room. They walk in and Finn closes the door behind them before sitting on his bed. Blake sits down in Finn’s desk chair.

“You alright?” Blake asks, noticing that Finn is looking at him a bit oddly. Finn nods.

“Yeah, sorry,” he says. “I’m assuming you saw Emily yesterday.” Blake wrinkles his brow.

“No,” he says. “I haven’t seen her since Thursday.”

“Oh,” Finn says. “I just thought… because….” He touches his neck and Blake silently curses himself as he remembers the hickeys scattered across his own neck. He bites his lip and looks at the floor.

“Right, yeah, that would make sense,” he says. Finn looks at him, waiting for him to offer an explanation, but Blake doesn’t say anything.

“So…” Finn says after a moment.

“Yeah. I was, um, with someone else,” Blake says awkwardly.

“Who?” Finn asks.

Blake shifts in the chair, suddenly very uncomfortable. He can’t tell Finn what happened between him and Leo. But he doesn’t want to lie.

“It’s not a big deal, ok?” he says after a moment. “It was just a hookup.”

“I mean, it’s kind of a big deal to me,” Finn says. “Since, ya know, we’re….” He lets his voice trail off and Blake wonders what exactly it is that Finn thinks they are. Mostly because he’s not quite sure himself.

“I mean, it’s not like we’re exclusive,” Blake says after a moment. “I have a girlfriend for Christ’s sake.” Blake can’t be sure, but he thinks that he sees Finn wince slightly.

“I know,” Finn says.

“If anyone has a right to be upset about me hooking up with people, it’s her.”

“Does she know?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, she knows,” Blake replies. Finn looks surprised. “I mean, not about yesterday. But in general, yeah.”

“Oh. Does she, does she know about us?” Finn asks. Blake shakes his head.

“It’s not like I tell her every time I sleep with someone. It’s just, kind of an ongoing understanding.”

“Oh.” Finn seems taken aback by the whole situation and Blake realizes he’s never really talked much about Emily with Finn.

“Sorry. I should’ve told you. I’m just used to Leo and Alec knowing all this shit. I don’t really talk about it much. People have a hard time understanding and I don’t like to get into it if I don’t have to.”

“That makes sense,” Finn says. He’s looking at the floor instead of meeting Blake’s eyes.

Blake can tell that he’s upset, but he doesn’t know what to say. They sit in silence for a few minutes, Blake reaching up and touching his neck occasionally before realizing what he’s doing and pulling his hand away.

“So,” Blake says after the silence becomes unbearable. “You wanna play some music?” Finn nods.

“Yeah. Sure. That sounds nice.”

After a while Blake has to leave, although he doesn’t say exactly why, and Finn is left alone in his room. He picks up the guitar that Blake had been playing and strums a few chords. Even with the distraction, he can’t shake the feeling of disappointment and hurt from his conversation with Blake.

He’s not quite sure why it bothers him so much. He should be glad to know that he isn’t ruining Blake and Emily’s relationship. But instead he feels hollowed out. Maybe he had hoped that Blake thought he was worth risking Emily for. That being with him was a serious consideration rather than just another fling.

He feels a bit stupid. How could he have expected this to be anything more? He had never been deluded enough to think that Blake would leave Emily for him. He had never really believed that it would turn into a serious relationship. But maybe he had hoped it would.

After a while of rumination, Finn ends up more upset with himself than with Blake. Blake had never promised him anything. He had never done anything to indicate that he had real feelings for Finn, and Finn hates that he let himself believe that Blake saw him as anything more than another hookup. He lies down on his bed and stares at the ceiling, trying to ignore the ache in his chest.

Chapter Text

Leo and Blake are standing outside after a show, trying to escape the slightly claustrophobic atmosphere of the bar. When they first walked outside, the chilly night air had been a welcome relief from the stale, muggy heat inside, but now Leo finds himself shivering, and he regrets leaving his coat in his car earlier.

“Are you cold?” Blake asks.

“A little,” Leo replies. “I’m fine though.”

“Do you want my jacket?” Blake offers. He starts to pull it off without waiting for a response.

“No, no it’s fine.”

“Here,” Blake says, handing it to him. “I’m too warm anyway.”

Leo looks at him for a moment before taking the jacket. He’s pretty sure it’s a lie that Blake is warm, it’s windy and he’s only wearing a t-shirt, but he doesn’t want to argue, especially when he’s grateful for the extra layer.

“Thanks,” Leo says.

He puts the jacket on. It’s still warm from Blake wearing it and it makes the wind less harsh.

“Wait,” Blake says, patting his pants pockets. “My lighter.”

Leo sticks his hand in the jacket pockets and pulls out the lighter. He holds it for a second before giving it to Blake. Blake takes out a pack of cigarettes and lights one up, using his hand to shield the flame from the wind.

By the time they go back inside, Leo has forgotten that he’s wearing Blake’s jacket, so he doesn’t remember to take it off and give it back. He doesn’t realize until Alec points it out.

“Isn’t that Blake’s jacket?” Alec asks Leo, handing him a drink.

“Oh, yeah,” Leo says. “I forgot mine in my car. I should get it back to him.”

“I think he already left,” Alec says. “I haven’t seen him in like twenty minutes.”

“Shit,” Leo says. He stares at the drink in his hand for a second, then drinks half and puts the glass down on a table. “I’m gonna see if I can find Finn then, he might need to go home soon.”

“Ok, see ya,” Alec says.

“Do you want a ride or anything?” Leo asks.

“Nah, I’m good. I’m gonna stay a bit longer.”

“Ok, just call a cab or something if you drink anymore, yeah?”

“Leo, I’m fine. Just go.”

Leo’s parents are still up when he gets home, watching the news in the living room.

“How was your show, love?” his mom asks.

“Good,” Leo replies.

He walks over and gives her a kiss on the head.

“You smell like smoke,” his dad says.

Leo wrinkles his brow, not sure how to respond. When he used to smoke, he was always paranoid about the smell. He even kept spray in his car to mask it if he couldn’t manage to get the smell off his clothes. But he doesn’t smoke anymore, and it’s been hours since he was with Blake, not that standing outside with him while he smoked had ever been an issue before.

“You really shouldn’t smoke, Leo,” his dad says after a moment. “I thought you knew better.”

“I wasn’t smoking,” Leo says. “Promise.”

He goes to smell his jacket to check, then quickly realizes the problem. He’s still wearing Blake’s jacket from earlier. He shakes his head.

“Oh, Blake gave me his jacket because I forgot mine, that’s why. I’ll toss it in my car.”

His dad doesn’t seem fully convinced but he gives Leo a terse nod.

As he walks outside, Leo thinks about Blake, and he wonders if there was any meaning behind his gesture. They still haven’t talked about what happened between them, and Leo isn’t sure that he wants to. But he finds himself noticing the small things Blake does that he normally wouldn’t think twice about.

He unlocks his car, then stands there, staring at the frayed sleeve of Blake’s jacket, running his thumb over the material. There’s something comforting about the familiar scent, and he hesitates for a moment before taking it off. He sighs and places the jacket on the passenger seat before heading back inside for the night.

***

Over the last two months or so, it’s become almost a routine for Blake to find Finn during the school day and ask him to hang out, so Finn isn’t surprised when Blake waves him over as he’s walking to lunch with some of his friends. He’s noticed that Blake only ever invites him over when they’re alone, and he’s pretty sure he purposefully avoids asking him when Leo and Alec are around. Finn tells his friends he’ll catch up with them and walks over.

“Hey. Do you want to come over Sunday?” Blake asks.

“I can’t,” Finn says. “I have to go out with my family for Mother’s Day.” He pauses for a moment, remembering what Leo told him about Blake’s mom. “Sorry,” he says quietly.

“Why are you sorry?” Blake asks.

“Because your mom is, you know….” Finn’s voice trails off.

“Dead?” Blake replies.

“Yeah.”

“It’s been almost fifteen years,” Blake says. “I’m fine with it.”

“Oh,” Finn says softly.

“I don’t remember telling you about that,” Blake says after a moment. “Did I?” Finn shakes his head.

“Leo did. I asked him what happened to your mom because I didn’t know if it was a touchy subject or if you’d be upset or whatever.”

“And what did he tell you?”

“That she died a long time ago and you don’t talk about it,” Finn says.

“That’s it?” Blake asks. Finn nods. “You could’ve asked me. I don’t care. Ten plus years of dealing with other kids asking you dumb shit will do that for you. You can ask whatever you want. I’ve heard it all before.”

“Oh.” Finn pauses for a second. “How did she die?”

“Car crash,” Blake says. His tone is almost casual and Finn can’t imagine ever talking that way about his own mother’s death. But he knows it’s much different for Blake.

“That must have been hard for you and your dad.”

“I was only three,” Blake says. “I didn’t understand what happened at the time. And my parents weren’t together, so I don’t think my dad was too torn up about it.”

“They were divorced?” Finn asks.

“No, they weren’t ever married. I don’t think they were ever really together in the first place honestly. My mom was only nineteen when she had me and my dad was….” Blake pauses for a second. “Twenty-two? I think?”

“That’s young,” Finn says. Blake laughs.

“Yeah. I was definitely not planned. My dad wanted my mom to get an abortion, but she didn’t. Obviously. And he wanted nothing to do with me once I was born. So when my mom died and he got stuck with me… it kinda fucked his life up. And he’s always hated me for it.”

“He told you that?” Finn asks, shocked. Blake sighs.

“I was a shitty kid a lot of the time. Whenever he’d get pissed at me he’d tell me he wished he’d let them take me away to foster care so he wouldn’t have to deal with me.”

“That’s awful,” Finn says. Blake shrugs.

“I was a piece of shit. I deserved it.”

Finn wants to tell Blake that he’s wrong, that even if he were the worst kid ever he wouldn’t have deserved it. But he doesn’t know how to say that without sounding dumb, so he just stays quiet.

“Sorry,” Blake says after a moment. “I don’t mean to tell you my entire tragic life story in the fucking hallway.”

“It’s fine,” Finn says. “I want to know things about you. Even the sad stuff. That’s what friends are for.” Blake smiles slightly.

“Have a good time with your family, yeah?" he says. “I’ll catch you later.”

***

Finn is sitting on Blake’s floor, taking a break between practicing songs. Alec walks back into the room from the hall and pulls his hoodie off over his head, tossing it on the floor. Finn hadn’t realized that he’d never seen Alec in short sleeves until he notices the tattoos on his wrists.

“I didn’t know you had tattoos,” Finn says.

“Oh,” Alec says. “Yeah.”

He turns his hands over, facing his wrists toward Finn. His left wrist has a fox skull on it and his right wrist has a fox head.

“These and one other,” he adds.

“That’s really cool. What’s the other one?” Finn asks. “If you don’t mind, of course.”

“I don’t mind at all,” Alec says. He pulls his left shirtsleeve up slightly, revealing a black and red drum set tattooed on the interior of his bicep.

“Did they hurt a lot?” Finn asks. Alec shrugs.

“Not too bad,” he says. He runs his fingers along the inside of his wrist. “These ones were the worst. They were also the first I got done.”

“When did you get them?”

For a while Finn had assumed that Alec was the same age as Blake and Leo, since they’re all in the same year, but every now and then he’s reminded that he’s over eighteen, which always surprises him.

“Like a week after I turned eighteen,” Alec says.

“Oh, wow. That’s cool,” Finn says. “I don’t think I’m a tattoo person, I have no idea what I would even get.”

Alec laughs.

“Yeah, you don’t really strike me as the type,” he says. “But you never know. Give it a few years and maybe you’ll change your mind.”

Chapter Text

Approximately a year and a half earlier

Blake sits down next to Dan at their usual lunch table, barely waiting for acknowledgment before he starts talking to him.

“Do you know Alec?” Blake asks.

“Who?” Dan replies.

“Alec Brooks. Tall, black hair, plays drums. He’s a year above us,” Blake says.

“Oh, yeah.”

“Well he’s in one of my classes.”

“So?”

“I dunno,” Blake says. “I just don’t remember seeing him like, at all at the end of last term and it’s kinda weird that he’s in maths with me.”

“Maybe he failed it,” Dan says. “Why do you care?”

“I don’t care, I was just saying it’s weird,” Blake replies, a bit defensively.

Truthfully, Blake had noticed that Alec had been missing and was glad that he was back. He had seen him in the halls ever since he started secondary school and had wanted to talk to him, but he never had. Although he would never admit it, especially to Dan, Blake had always found him quite attractive.

When Blake had found out from a friend of a friend that Alec played drums, he had figured that maybe one day he would work up the nerve to ask Alec if he wanted to play music with him and Dan and Leo. But he was always too intimidated to do it.

“Well,” Dan says. “You could always ask him about it.” He tilts his head towards a table.

Blake turns and sees Alec sitting alone a few tables away from them. He bites his lip, trying to decide if it’s worth it to talk to him. He wants to, and Alec does look a bit sad sitting by himself, staring at the table. But Blake doesn’t think he’s ever said so much as a single word to Alec and he doesn’t want to be awkward. Dan looks at Blake and raises his eyebrows.

“Why the hell not,” Blake says with a sigh.

He stands up and walks over to the table where Alec is. It takes a few seconds of him standing there awkwardly for Alec to notice him and look up.

“Can I help you?” Alec asks.

“Hi,” Blake says, suddenly feeling like this might not have been the best idea. “Um, I’m Blake. I’m in your maths class.”

“Oh,” Alec says. “Yeah.”

“Do you want to sit with us?” Blake asks. He motions over to the table where Dan is still sitting.

“I’m fine,” Alec replies. Blake is quiet for a few moments, surprised by Alec’s response.

“I’m not just asking because you’re sitting alone or whatever,” Blake says.

“Mmhmm, sure,” Alec says. “Look, I really don’t need your sympathy or whatever the fuck this is, ok?”

“Ok, then don’t sit with us,” Blake says. “I just wanted to ask why you’re in my class if you’re year 13. And I thought it would be nicer to invite you to sit with me than just ask you invasive questions and leave.” Alec sighs.

“Fine.”

Alec grabs his things and stands up. He follows a few steps behind Blake as they walk back to the table where Dan is.

“This is Dan,” Blake says.

“Alec,” Alec says, motioning to himself as he sits down.

“Nice to meet you,” Dan says. Alec doesn’t respond.

“So,” Blake says after a few moments of silence. “What’s the deal? Are you just shitty at trigonometry or something?”

“I’m redoing a year,” Alec says. “So I guess I’m shitty at everything.”

“Did you fail your courses?” Dan asks.

“Something like that,” Alec replies. “It’s kinda complicated. But yeah. I’m in your year now I suppose.”

“Oh,” Blake says. “I didn’t know they could make you do that.”

“Yeah,” Alec says.

Blake doesn’t know what to say and Dan seems equally unsure, so they end up sitting uncomfortably in silence. After a minute or two Alec pushes his chair back from the table slightly.

“Alright, if you don’t have any more awkward personal questions, I’m gonna go,” Alec says.

“Wait,” Blake says quickly. “You, uh, you play drums, right?”

“Yeah,” Alec says. “I do.”

“Well, we have like, kind of a band, or whatever. Me and Dan and our other friend Leo. And we don’t have anyone to play the drums.” Blake pauses for a moment, trying to read Alec’s expression, but he can’t. “And I thought, maybe, maybe you might be interested.”

“I’m not really looking for more shit to do right now,” Alec says. “I’ve kinda got a lot going on.”

“Oh,” Blake says, disappointed. “Ok. Um, well if you change your mind, let me know I guess.” He pauses for a second. “And if you ever want to sit with us, you can.”

“Ok,” Alec says. He stands up and grabs his things.

“See you in class,” Blake says.

Alec rolls his eyes slightly and gives them a half-hearted wave before walking away.

***

“I’ll be back to pick you up in an hour,” Alec’s mom says as he gets out of the car.

“It would be much easier if you let me drive myself,” Alec says.

“Alec, I’m not having this conversation again. I need to know you’re actually making it to the appointments. Now go, or you’ll be late.”

Alec sighs and slams the car door shut before walking into the building. On the elevator ride up he considers just leaving and walking around, or sitting in a café somewhere. It’s the same thing he thinks about every time, but he’s never done it.

He finds the office easily and signs in at the front desk before sitting down in the waiting room. It’s only a few minutes before a woman, Rachel, walks out and calls his name.

“Alec?” Rachel says. “Ready?”

Alec nods and follows her down a hall and into another room. She holds the door for him and he sits on the couch.

“How are you this week?” Rachel asks, sitting in a chair across from him.

“Fine,” Alec replies, not making eye contact. Rachel sighs.

“Do we have to do this every time?” she asks.

“Do what?”

“The whole ‘everything’s fine and I don’t want to talk to you’ thing.”

"Well it is, and I don’t,” Alec replies.

“You started back at school since I last saw you,” Rachel says, trying to change the subject. “That must be exciting.” Alec shrugs.

“It’s not.”

“Come on, Alec,” Rachel says. “I know you don’t want to be here. But you’ve got to talk to me. Because the only other option is sitting silently in this room and staring at each other for an hour, and I don’t think either of us wants to do that.”

“Fine,” Alec says. He sighs. “School fucking sucks, ok? None of my old friends talk to me and everyone thinks I’m stupid.”

“Have you tried talking to your friends?” Rachel asks.

“No,” Alec says.

“Why not?”

“Because they don’t give a shit about me. If they did, they would’ve, I don’t know, tried to contact me at some point in the past four months. But they didn’t.”

“They might not know how to approach the subject,” Rachel says.

“It doesn’t even matter,” Alec says. “I don’t want to talk to them anyway.”

“Ok,” Rachel says. “Then, have you made any new friends? Talked to anyone in your courses?”

“No.”

“So, what? You’re planning on spending your last two years of school not talking to anyone and being miserable?”

“Maybe.”

“Have you been taking your medication?” Rachel asks.

“God,” Alec says. “What is it with you people and fucking drugs? Everyone told me it wasn’t gonna make me happy all the damn time but any time I’m not perfectly fine that’s the question I get.”

“I just want to know if we need to adjust your dosage,” Rachel replies.

“No. It’s fine. I’m fine. I’m taking the fucking pills and I’m fine, ok?” Alec says. All of those things are a lie, but he knows it’s much more trouble to say that than he has the patience to deal with.

“Ok,” Rachel says. She pauses for a few moments and Alec kicks his feet against the carpet. “Can you think of anyone you might want to try and talk to?” she asks. “I really think it would be good for you to try and make some new friends.”

“I don’t know,” Alec says. “There was this guy who asked me to sit with him at lunch the other day.”

“And did you?”

“For like five minutes,” Alec replies. “He just wanted to know why I was in his class if I’m supposed to be a year above him. And then he asked me to play drums for some band he has or something.”

“And I’m guessing you said no to that,” Rachel says. Alec doesn’t say anything. “I know that music and playing drums is important to you,” Rachel says after a moment of silence.

Alec shrugs. She had asked him a few weeks ago about what he did when he felt upset or angry or sad and he had told her he played music. It was one of the few things he did in those circumstances that he felt he could tell her about without too many annoying follow-up questions.

“Well, even if you don’t join his band, it sounds like maybe you could have something in common,” Rachel says.

“What if he plays stupid music that I hate?” Alec replies.

“You can make up a thousand excuses not to talk to people, Alec,” Rachel says. “Maybe you won’t get along. Or maybe you’ll find someone you really like spending time with. You never know what’s going to happen. But you have to try. And if someone has made an effort to get to know you, to invite you to do things with them, that seems like a perfect chance to make a real connection.”

“I guess,” Alec says softly.

“Can you at least try and talk to him then?” Rachel asks.

“Ok, fine” Alec says. “I’ll try.”

Chapter Text

Blake is half asleep in a chair in the hospital room when Alec wakes up.

“Blake?” Alec says, his voice gravelly.

“Oh, thank god you’re awake,” Blake says, pushing himself up off the chair and walking over to Alec’s bed. “How do you feel?”

“Weird,” Alec says. “Am I in the hospital?” Blake nods. “Why?” Alec asks.

“We were at the party last night and I guess you took something. You were kinda out of it for a while, but we thought you would be fine. But it just got worse, so Leo drove us to the hospital. You passed out on the way here and you’ve been asleep since then.”

“Shit,” Alec mutters.

“Do you remember any of that?” Blake asks.

"Not really. I remember the beginning of the party. That’s about it.”

“The doctor said if we hadn’t brought you here you probably would’ve died. I don’t know. She didn’t tell us much.”

“Who all is here?” Alec asks.

“Leo and Finn are getting us breakfast and Cam said he’d be here by noon.”

“Did you tell my parents?” Alec asks. Blake nods.

“Yeah. I called them. They’re, uh, not coming.”

He feels bad telling Alec that. Alec’s mom had been polite on the phone, but she had made it very clear that they didn’t want to be a part of this whole ‘situation’.

“Oh,” Alec says softly.

“Leo and Finn will be glad you’re up,” Blake says, trying to change the subject. “I know they were really worried too. But none of us really slept much last night, so they’re getting coffee and food. I had them get you some coffee too. I don’t know if you’re allowed to drink it though.” Blake pauses for a second. “We should let your doctor know you’re up. There’s a call button thing.” Blake points to the table next to Alec. Alec picks up the call button and presses it.

“Thanks for staying here with me,” Alec says.

“Of course,” Blake replies.

They’re quiet for a few minutes, Alec looking around the room, trying to take everything in. After a bit, a nurse comes to the room.

“Hi, is everything alright?” she asks.

“Alec is awake,” Blake says. “We figured they’d want to know that.”

“Oh, wonderful,” she says. “Let me go get Dr. Freeman.”

She walks out of the room. A few minutes later, Leo and Finn return from getting coffee and breakfast. Finn has a tray with four drinks in it and Leo has a brown paper bag.

“Hello,” Alec says, giving a small wave. The IV hanging from his hand sways back and forth.

“You’re awake,” Leo says with a smile.

“Indeed I am,” Alec replies.

Finn sets the drinks down on a chair and hands one to Blake before picking another up for himself. Leo offers Blake the paper bag.

“We got muffins and stuff,” he says. Blake takes the bag and digs through it for a moment before pulling out a pastry and handing it back to Leo.

“Can Alec have anything?” Finn asks.

“The doctor should be here in a bit, we’ll ask her,” Blake says.

“How are you feeling, Alec?” Leo asks. Alec shrugs.

“Could be worse,” he says.

“You really scared us last night, I’m glad you’re alright,” Finn says.

“Yeah, sorry,” Alec says, biting his lip.

Leo, Finn, and Blake sit down in the chairs at the side of the room and pick out breakfast food. After a bit, Alec’s doctor comes in.

“Hi Alec,” she says with a smile. “I’m Dr. Freeman. I’m so glad you’re up.” She looks over and sees the three other boys sitting. “And your friends are here, that’s very nice. Do you want them to go while we talk?”

“No, they’re fine to stay,” Alec says.

“Alright, I just want to talk to you about some test results and ask you a few questions. You’re ok with them staying for that?” Dr. Freeman asks.

“Yeah, it’s good,” Alec replies.

“Ok, so first, can you tell me what you know about why you’re here?”

“Um, I don’t really remember much. Blake told me that I was like, disoriented and out of it, and then I passed out.”

“And do you know why you had those symptoms?” Dr. Freeman asks.

“I guess I took some drug or something,” Alec says. “I really don’t remember.”

“Ok. And do you currently take any prescription medications?”

“No.”

“Alright. Your friends gave me some information last night that I’d like you to verify for me. Just things like your name and birth date.” Dr. Freeman picks up a clipboard and papers from the foot of Alec’s bed and hands it to him. Alec looks at it for a minute.

“Yeah, that’s all good,” he says, handing it back.

“Great. I can pull up any records you have, just give me a moment, I’ll be right back.”

Dr. Freeman walks out of the room. Everyone sits quietly for a few minutes while they wait. She comes back with more papers and puts them on the clipboard before flipping through them.

“Before we do anything else, I have a question,” Alec says.

“Sure,” Dr. Freeman says.

“Am I allowed to eat and drink stuff?”

“Yes, that’s not a problem,” Dr. Freeman replies. Alec turns to Blake.

“Can I have my coffee?” he asks. Blake stands up and hands the cup to Alec, who takes a sip. “Ok, I’m good now,” he says.

“Alright, so we ran some blood tests last night. Your blood alcohol levels were very high, around 0.3. And you tested positive for benzodiazepines, which means drugs like Xanax or Klonopin. Do you remember taking anything like that?”

“I don’t know. It’s possible. I really can’t remember much at all.”

“Do you remember drinking alcohol?”

“Yeah,” Alec says.

“Do you remember how much you drank?”

“I don’t know. I never really keep track.”

“Do you know about the interaction between alcohol and benzodiazepines?”

“I’m going to guess it’s not good judging from where I am,” Alec says.

“They’re both depressants, so combining them amplifies the effects. It can increase cognitive impairment, which would explain you seeming disoriented, and it can slow down your breathing to the point where you can pass out and even die.”

“That’s… not good,” Alec says, taking another sip of his coffee.

“Not good is a bit of an understatement,” Blake says. Alec turns and glares at him.

“You’re lucky your friends brought you in, especially with your BAC being so high. You would be at risk from that alone.” Dr. Freeman pauses for a moment. “I have to ask, especially because of your history, was any of this intentional?”

Alec stares at her for a minute before answering.

“You’re asking me if I overdosed on purpose? Like a suicide thing?” he asks. Dr. Freeman nods. “No,” Alec says. “I didn’t even know mixing those things was so dangerous. It was an accident.”

“Ok,” Dr. Freeman says, writing something down on Alec’s chart. “You mentioned that you don’t usually keep track of how much you drink, do you drink often?”

“Yeah,” Alec says.

“How many days a week on average would you say you drink?”

Alec looks down at his lap for a minute, then looks over at Blake, Leo, and Finn before answering, like he’s trying to gauge whether or not he can get away with lying in front of them.

“Every day,” he says quietly, not making eye contact with the doctor. He expects Dr. Freeman to say something, but instead she just makes a note in his chart.

“And how many drinks per day?” she asks.

“Like I said, I don’t really count,” Alec says.

“Would you say more than four drinks a day?” Dr. Freeman asks. Alec hesitates again, then nods.

“Yeah,” he says.

“Ok, and are there days when you drink more than normal? Like last night maybe?”

“I mean, at parties or if we’re at a bar or something, yeah.”

“And how often would you say that happens?”

“Every other week? It depends on a lot of stuff really. Maybe more like once a week lately I suppose.”

“How long have you been drinking like this?”

“I don’t know,” Alec says. He sounds annoyed, or maybe just tired.

“Would you say a few months, half a year, longer?”

“Longer,” Alec says. “Maybe a year and a half or two years? I mean I drank before then. But not as often.”

“Ok. Thank you, that’s all very helpful information. I’m going to have someone else come and talk to you about your treatment going forward. Do you have any questions for me?”

“When can I leave?” Alec asks.

“Well, that’s going to be something we’ll need to discuss. We’ll want to do another blood test to make sure you’re medically stable, but there’s also other things to consider.”

“But if I’m stable, I can leave?”

“Technically, yes. But it would be against medical advice at this point. I’d really like you to stay for a few days at least.”

Alec doesn’t say anything. He just looks over at Blake, Leo, and Finn for a moment. Blake gives him a weak smile.

“Ok,” Dr. Freeman says, “if you don’t have any more questions, I’ll leave you all alone for a bit.”

Alec nods and she walks out of the room. Once she’s out of sight, Alec turns to the others.

“Fuck this, I’m not staying longer than I have to,” he says.

“Alec,” Leo says, “I think maybe you should consider it. I mean, you could’ve died. It’s probably a good idea to have medical supervision for a few days.”

“I agree,” Blake says. “This shit is serious.”

Alec drinks more of his coffee and shakes his head.

“She said they’d run my bloods. If that’s all good, there’s no reason to stay. I hate hospitals. I just wanna get out of here.”

Blake wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. He knows arguing with Alec is a bad idea. They sit quietly for a few minutes, finishing up their breakfast and coffee, before a man walks in.

“Hi there,” he says. “You must be Alec. I’m Mark. I’m a social worker here. Dr. Freeman told me a little bit about what’s going on and I’m going to try and help you figure out what your best treatment option is, ok?”

“Hi,” Alec says. Blake can tell he’s uncomfortable, but he doesn’t say anything else.

“Alright, so I just want to ask you a few more questions, if that’s ok,” Mark says.

“Ok,” Alec replies.

“Are you ok with your friends being here? It might be easier for you to answer honestly if they left.”

“No, I want them here,” Alec says, which surprises Blake slightly. “They’re the ones that brought me, they already know all about what happened.”

“Ok,” Mark says. “Let me know if you change your mind. Dr. Freeman wrote down some things for me, specifically about your alcohol use. Can I ask you some more questions about that?”

“Um, I guess,” Alec says. He picks at the lid of his coffee cup nervously.

“Can you describe what a typical day of drinking would be like for you? Just so I can get an idea.”

“I don’t know,” Alec says. “I mean, usually I just kinda drink throughout the day or whatever. I don’t really think about it. Then if there’s some sort of party or something I’ll have some drinks there. But that’s not every day.”

“Have you ever thought about cutting down on your drinking?” Mark asks.

“I mean, I guess I’ve thought about it.”

“Have you ever tried to cut down or stop drinking? And if so, how did you feel?” Mark asks.

“A couple times. I always feel like shit though. I get really bad headaches.”

Mark jots something down on his notepad.

“And would you say that your alcohol use has negatively affected your social life and relationships, or your work or school performance?”

“I don’t know,” Alec says. “I don’t think so.”

“Would you say that your friends or family are concerned about your drinking?”

“We are,” Blake says, breaking his silence. Alec glares at him.

“No one asked you,” Alec mumbles. He turns back to Mark. “Yeah. I mean mostly just my friends.”

“Are you concerned about your drinking?” Mark asks. Alec doesn’t answer for a moment.

“I don’t know,” he says softly. Marks waits for a bit to see if he’ll say anything else, but he doesn’t.

“Can we talk about your treatment options?” Mark asks. Alec nods but doesn’t make eye contact. “I’d like to do a more formal assessment once you’ve had some time to recuperate, but from what you’ve told me, it definitely sounds like you’re drinking at a high-risk level. I would recommend you stay in an inpatient setting for a few days, maybe a week, to help you manage any withdrawal symptoms that come up. Then I’d like to refer you to a rehabilitation program if you’re open to it. I know several outpatient programs that are covered by the NHS, but you might do better in a residential setting. We can talk about that more if you’d like.” Alec shakes his head.

“No,” he says. “I just, I need some time to think about it.”

“Ok,” Mark says. “I know this all might seem very scary, but I really think it would be a good choice for you.”

“Can I have some time alone to think?” Alec asks.

“Sure,” Mark says. “If you need anything, just let one of the nurses know. They can come find me when you’re ready to talk more.” Alec nods and Mark walks out. Everyone looks at Alec.

“This could be really good-“ Leo starts to say, but Alec cuts him off.

“I’m not doing it,” he says.

“Alec, you should at least think about it,” Finn says. “I mean, you’ve got to realize that this is a problem.”

“I’m not a fucking alcoholic,” Alec snaps. “I don’t need to go to fucking rehab.”

“You’re in the hospital. You almost died. What the hell is it going to take for you to do something?” Blake says, almost yelling.

“Fuck all of you,” Alec says. “I thought you were my friends.”

“We are your friends,” Leo says. “That’s why we’re so worried.”

Alec looks like he’s about to cry.

“Just leave me alone,” he says. “Just go.”

“Alec-“ Blake says.

“Just fucking go,” Alec says, his voice breaking.

Blake feels like his heart is shattering, tears starting to well up in his eyes. He grabs his jacket from the chair and walks out of the room. He’s halfway down the hall when Finn and Leo catch up with him. Leo puts a hand on Blake’s shoulder and Blake turns to look at him, trying to blink back tears. Leo pulls him into a hug.

“It’s gonna be ok,” Leo says softly. Blake shakes his head.

“This could be his last chance to get help,” he says. “And he’s just gonna fucking walk away from it.”

“Don’t think like that. Just because he’s not ready to get help now doesn’t mean he’ll never be ready,” Leo says.

“It’s so awful,” Blake says, “watching him kill himself and I can’t fucking do anything.”

“I know,” Leo says.

“Can we go outside?” Blake asks. “I need a smoke.”

Leo nods and they all walk down the rest of the hallway and out the hospital doors. They walk a bit away from the entrance and sit down on a low wall. Blake pulls out a pack of cigarettes and lights one. He thinks maybe there’s something ironic about him worrying about Alec and then smoking, but he decides not to think about it too much.

“What do we do now?” Finn asks.

“Not much we can do,” Blake says. “Besides hope he changes his mind.”

“Maybe Cam will show up and talk some sense into him,” Leo says. Blake shakes his head.

“He’s too stubborn,” he says.

They sit for a while, Blake smoking his cigarette and Leo and Finn staring off into the distance. Blake isn’t even upset anymore, he just feels numb.

They’ve been waiting for a long time when Cam shows up. Blake must have missed him when he walked into the hospital because they see him coming out of the front entrance. He walks over to where they’re sitting.

“There you are,” he says. “We’re leaving soon.”

“All of us are leaving?” Leo asks. Cam nods.

“Alec discharged himself,” he says. Blake’s heart sinks.

“Did you talk to his doctor? Can’t they keep him for longer?” Blake asks. Cam shakes his head.

“I talked to her briefly. She’s not pleased that he’s leaving, but there’s not really anything they can do.”

“Can’t they section him?” Blake asks. Cam shakes his head. “This is fucking stupid,” Blake says, kicking the ground angrily.

“Look, I’m not happy about it either, ok? But the best thing we can do right now is support Alec. Being angry at him isn’t going to do him any good,” Cam says. “Come on, let’s go gather your things.”

They follow Cam back into the hospital and to Alec’s room. Alec is sitting on the bed waiting. Blake can’t be sure, but it looks like he’s been crying.

“Hey,” Blake says quietly. Alec looks up at him but doesn’t respond. “You’re really sure you want to leave?”

“Blake, don’t,” Cam says sternly. “Let’s go. I can drive anyone home who needs a ride.”

“I have my car,” Leo says.

“I’m gonna go with Leo,” Alec says.

“Me too,” Blake says.

“Blake are you sure that’s the best idea?” Cam asks.

“I’m going with Leo,” Blake says.

“Finn, do you want me to take you home?” Cam asks, choosing not to argue with Blake.

“Uh, sure,” Finn says, looking a bit like a kid caught between his arguing parents.

“Ok,” Cam says. “I’ll be in touch. I think we need to have a meeting sometime this week.”

He walks to the door and Finn follows him, giving a small wave before they walk out. Alec turns to Blake and Leo.

“Can I come over to one of your houses? I really don’t want to go home right now,” he says.

Blake wants to make a snide remark about how if he didn’t want to go home, he should have stayed in the hospital, but he doesn’t.

“You can come to my house,” Blake says.

“Thanks,” Alec replies.

They gather their things and walk out to Leo’s car. Blake lets Alec sit in the front. He remembers last night, him and Alec in the back, desperately trying to keep Alec awake. He remembers the panic he felt when Alec passed out and he couldn’t wake him up, remembers telling Leo to drive faster a little too frantically, Finn looking back from the front seat with fear plastered on his face.

They don’t say much on the drive to Blake’s house. Leo turns on the radio but leaves it quiet. Alec spends the whole drive staring vacantly out his window and Blake tries not to think too much, tries to focus on the passing landscape and the music and not on the pit of dread in his stomach.

Leo pulls up in front of Blake’s house and lets Blake and Alec out, waiting for Blake to unlock and open the door before he drives away. Blake and Alec are inside and halfway up the stairs when they hear footsteps. Blake freezes.

“Blake?” a voice calls. His dad walks over from the living room.

“Hi dad,” Blake says. “Alec’s here.”

“Did you just get home?” his dad asks.

“Yeah,” Blake says.

“Where the hell have you been?”

“Out,” Blake says. He doesn’t want to tell his dad any of what happened last night. “Since when do you care if I’m home anyway?”

His dad looks at him angrily but doesn’t say anything. Blake knows he’ll get yelled at later, but not in front of Alec. His dad just shakes his head and walks out of the room.

Alec follows Blake upstairs to his room and shuts the door behind them. They sit on Blake’s bed and Blake lies back against his pillows.

“Fuck, it’s been a long twenty-four hours,” he says. Alec nods.

“Hey, I know this really isn’t what you want to hear,” Alec says, looking at the floor, “but can I get a drink?” Blake sighs.

“Christ Alec,” he says.

“I know, I know,” Alec says. “Please?” Blake shakes his head sadly.

“Yeah, gimme a second.”

He gets up and walks out of his room and downstairs to the kitchen, hoping to avoid his dad. Luckily he’s able to grab a beer out of the fridge and get back to his room without being noticed. He hands the cold bottle to Alec.

“Thanks,” Alec says, twisting the cap off.

Blake just lies back down and stares numbly at the ceiling.

Alec knew there would be a fight when he got home. If his parents didn’t say anything, he would. It had been an awful day and he was both too drunk and not nearly drunk enough to deal with any of it.

They’re sitting at the dining room table when he walks in. His mom and dad and Abby, eating dinner like everything is normal. They barely look up as he enters the room.

“There’s food on the stove if you’d like to join us,” his dad says.

His voice is perfectly calm, and it makes Alec want to scream.

“I’m fine by the way. If anyone gives a shit.”

His mother smiles tightly.

“I’m glad to hear that. But I would prefer if you didn’t use that kind of language in our home.”

Alec doesn’t say anything.

“Are you going to eat with us?” she says after a tense pause.

“You know, usually people would visit their kid in the fucking hospital,” Alec snaps.

His mother sighs.

“Alec-“

“I know Blake called you. I know you knew. But you couldn’t be bothered to even send a fucking text or something, let alone drive the twenty minutes it would’ve taken to check on me.”

"You were in the hospital?” Abby asks, eyes wide.

Alec laughs bitterly.

“Of course you didn’t tell her. Why the fuck would it matter to anyone that I was in the hospital? I could’ve been sick or, or fucking dying, or-“

“Alec, that’s enough,” his dad says sharply. He takes a deep breath. “Yes, your mother spoke to Blake. And as part of that conversation, we were made aware of why you were in the hospital. And we thought it would be best for everyone if we didn’t get involved.”

“It shouldn’t matter,” Alec says. He feels tears forming in his eyes and it just makes him more angry. “I’m going to my room.”

“I think that’s for the best,” his dad says.

As he walks up the stairs, he can hear the conversation from the dining room.

“Why was Alec in the hospital?” Abby asks. “Is he ok?”

“He’s fine,” their dad says. “He’s just… he hasn’t been making very good choices lately.”

“What do you mean?”

Alec slams his door shut before he can hear the response.

Chapter Text

Approximately one year earlier

Blake is about to fall asleep when he gets a text from Alec.

Can u come over?

He looks at the clock; it’s just after 2am. He’s considering asking why or can’t it wait, but then his phone dings again.

Please

He types a quick yes and pulls on a pair of sweatpants before walking out to his car. He’s anxious the whole drive there. Sometimes Alec texts him late to hang out, but this feels different. His hands are shaking as he pulls up to Alec’s house. He pulls out his phone and texts Alec that he’s there.

A few minutes later the door creaks open and Alec walks out of the house and comes over to Blake’s car. He pulls the door open and gets in.

“People are sleeping,” he says to Blake. “Can we drive?” Blake nods. Alec smells like alcohol, but that’s not unusual enough to concern Blake. What does concern him is the glassy look in his eyes, the way he’s sitting slumped against the door.

“How much did you drink, Alec?” Blake asks. Alec looks up at him, his eyes not quite focused.

“Dunno,” he says.

“Fuck, do we need to go to the hospital?”

Alec quickly shakes his head.

“No, ‘m fine, just…” his voice trails off.

Blake can’t remember the last time he saw Alec like this and it scares him. The last time he saw Alec act even remotely drunk recently had been after a long night of near constant drinking. Alec’s tolerance is scarily high and Blake doesn’t even want to think about how much he must have had to drink tonight. Blake pulls out of Alec’s driveway.

“So, what’s going on?” Blake asks, trying to keep his voice calm. Alec is looking away from him and he’s worried he’ll pass out without Blake noticing.

“Just rememberin’ shit,” Alec mumbles. “Today’s the anniversary.”

“The anniversary of what?” Blake asks. Alec doesn’t answer for a moment and Blake is about to pull over when Alec turns and looks at him.

“I didn’t tell you did I?” he says.

“Tell me what?” Blake asks, getting more and more nervous. He has to turn away from Alec and focus on driving because his hands are getting shaky.

“That I’m not stupid.”

“Alec, I know you’re not stupid.”

“No, no. That I wasn’t held back because I failed shit.”

Blake wrinkles his brow. He had always assumed that Alec had repeated a grade because he had failed some class or another. And Alec never denied it when someone mentioned it.

“Then why?” Blake asks. Alec leans back against the door.

“I was in hospital,” he says, his voice muffled. “Tried to kill myself.” Blake is quiet for a moment, processing the information, not quite sure what to say.

“Shit,” Blake says.

“Yeah.”

“And today’s the anniversary of when….”

“Yeah.”

“Oh.”

They drive in silence for a bit. Blake glances over every so often to make sure Alec is still awake. But he doesn’t know what to say. He looks over at Alec again and his eyes are closed.

“Alec?” Blake says. He doesn’t respond. “Alec,” he says again, louder.

“Hmmm?” Alec mumbles.

“You gotta stay awake,” Blake says.

“But ‘m tired,” Alec says. His eyes are barely open.

“I’m not kidding, I’ll take you to the hospital.”

“No,” Alec groans. “I’m awake.” He moves his arm in front of his eyes.

“I’m pulling over,” Blake says. “We’re gonna get out and walk or something.”

He’s not sure walking around in the dark at two in the morning is a good idea, but he knows he has to do something to make sure Alec doesn’t pass out. He probably should’ve taken him straight to the hospital, but he knows he wouldn’t want that if he were in Alec’s place.

Blake drives a few more blocks until they get to a small park. He pulls over and gets out then walks over to Alec’s door. Alec swings it open and almost falls out onto the sidewalk.

“Shit Alec,” Blake says, grabbing his arm.

“I’m alright,” Alec says.

“Come on, let’s walk.”

Blake keeps a loose grip on Alec’s arm for the first few steps, making sure he’s steady enough not to fall or stumble. They walk across some grass and onto a small path through the park.

“So,” Blake says. “You wanna talk about this, or do you just wanna walk?”

“Dunno,” Alec says. “There’s not much to say really I guess.”

Blake doesn’t respond. He knows better than to push Alec to talk. They walk in silence for a few minutes before Alec speaks again.

“I mean, things are better,” he says, his words slightly slurred. “But I still think, I don’t know….” He pauses. “Sometimes I wish it’d worked.”

“I’m glad it didn’t,” Blake says softly. “And I’m not just saying that to be nice.” Alec laughs a little.

“I don’t know if you ever say anything just to be nice.”

“Fuck off,” Blake says, but he smiles slightly. “But things are better?” he asks after a moment. “Like, at least a bit?” Alec nods.

“Yeah.”

“Because, not to be an asshole, but this doesn’t really seem better.”

“I’m not trying to off myself anymore, am I?” Alec says. Blake shakes his head sadly.

“You’re still killing yourself Alec,” he says. “Just, more slowly. You know that don’t you?” Alec looks at him, he seems a bit more focused than earlier.

“Well, that was kind of what I was going for,” he says. Blake doesn’t say anything. They keep walking. “You slit your wrists and everyone suddenly gives a shit about you,” Alec says. “But you get drunk every day for months and months and no one bats an eye. Plus you don’t have to think about all the shit that made you want to die in the first place. Well, not as much anyway.”

“You know we worry about you,” Blake says. “I do. Leo does. He’s told me before. Asked me to check up on you, make sure you get home safe, stuff like that. We care about you, Alec.”

“Thanks for coming,” Alec says. “When I texted you.”

“I’m glad you did. Even if it is bloody late and I’d much rather be in bed right now.”

They reach the end of the small path, where it turns into dirt leading into a grove of trees. Blake pulls out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He offers a cigarette to Alec who takes it and then lights both of them. They keep walking for a minute, exhaling smoke into the crisp night air, until they find a bench and sit down.

“How are you feeling?” Blake asks. Alec shrugs.

“Tired,” he says. “I just want to go home and go to bed.”

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Blake says.

“I won’t pass out and die. Really, I’ll be fine. Promise.”

Blake thinks about it for a minute. He’s exhausted and it’s cold out. He takes another drag of his cigarette.

“I’ll take you home but only if I can stay over with you,” he says finally. “I’m not leaving you alone. Not like this.”

“Fair enough,” Alec says. They stand up and walk back to Blake’s car.

Blake cracks his eyes open, confused for a moment as to where he is until he sees Alec sitting at his desk.

“Mornin’,” Alec says. “Well, afternoon really. It’s twelve thirty.”

“You been up long?” Blake asks.

“Bout an hour.”

“How’re you feeling?”

“Alright. I was a bit out of it when I first got up. Especially when I saw you here. Thought for a second maybe we had shagged.” Blake laughs.

“Do you remember enough to know for sure we didn’t?” he asks with a smile.

“I’m pretty sure, yeah,” Alec replies. Blake puts his glasses on and notices Alec has a half empty glass of rum next to him.

“You’re already drinking?” he asks. Alec shrugs.

“Did you expect anything else?”

“I mean, you almost fucking died last night. I was hoping maybe that would’ve scared some sense into you.”

“It wasn’t that bad,” Alec says softly.

“Alec, you stopped breathing a few times during the night. I was about two seconds away from calling a fucking ambulance every time.”

“Shit, really?”

“Yeah. You’re lucky it didn’t come to that.”

Alec bites his lip and looks down at the floor.

“I’m sorry, Blake,” he finally says.

“You’re eighteen Alec,” Blake says. “I shouldn’t have to worry about you dying. I don’t know what the fuck we would do without you. This shit has got to stop.” He’s worried he sounds meaner than he should, but he’s upset.

“It’s not that easy,” Alec says. “You should know that.”

“I don’t mean stop drinking,” Blake says after a moment. “Just, cut down or something. Whatever you can do. Or get some help.” Alec looks like he’s about to cry. He picks up his glass of rum and looks at it for a second before putting it back down.

“You’ve tried to quit smoking before,” Alec says. Blake nods.

“Yeah, it’s hell.”

“Then you understand what it’s like.”

“Alec, I know it’s hard. Maybe you should talk to someone. Get some real help. I just don’t want to see this keep getting worse.”

“Last night was… me being reckless. I can handle myself. Really.”

Blake sighs but decides it’s best not to push the issue any further.

“I should get home,” Blake says. “I’ve gotta at least pretend to do my homework for tomorrow.”

“Yeah, alright,” Alec says. Blake stands up and walks over to the door.

“Text me if you need anything. I’ll see you tomorrow.” Alec nods.

“Thanks,” he says. “For everything.”

“That’s what friends are for.”

He isn’t sure if Alec is purposefully avoiding him, but it isn’t until a few days later that Blake is able to catch Alec after school to talk.

“Hey,” Blake says. “So the other night, I don’t know if you remember, you were really drunk, but um, you told me about what happened last year. With being in the hospital and everything.”

“Oh,” Alec says quietly. “Yeah. Can you not tell anyone about that?”

“Why?” Blake asks. “I mean, I won’t, but why don’t you want people to know?”

“I dunno. I guess I’d rather they think I’m just stupid or whatever. Just, when people know, they treat you different. Like, like you’re gonna break all the time. I don’t want that.”

Blake is quiet for a moment. He wonders if Alec regrets telling him. He’s tried not to act differently around him, but he’s sure he has, it’s hard not to.

“Can I, can I ask you a question about it?” Blake asks. “You don’t have to answer if you don’t want.”

“I guess.”

“Your tattoos, on your wrists, is that because of….” His voice trails off. Alec nods.

“Yeah.”

“That’s kinda cool. I mean, cool is the wrong word, but like, they look good.”

“Thanks,” Alec says. He pulls his sleeve up slightly. “You can kinda see the scars still if you look close.”

He holds his left arm up and Blake looks at the tattoo. He can faintly see a white line running through the middle of Alec’s wrist. Alec runs his thumb over it.

“You can feel it more than you can see it,” he says. “You can touch it if you want.”

Blake hesitates for a moment, then traces his fingers gently across Alec’s wrist. He can feel where the skin is raised up underneath his fingertips. He pulls his hand away. They’re both quiet for a minute, Blake doesn’t know what to say; he wants to ask more questions, but he doesn’t think Alec wants to answer them.

“Why’d you choose those tattoos?” Blake asks, deciding that that’s a fairly appropriate question.

“Um, well I wanted two that went together. Since both of my arms were fucked.”

Alec pulls his other sleeve up and shows his arm to Blake. Blake can see where the scar is; the line is more jagged than on the other arm.

“The scar is weird because I’m right-handed,” Alec says, guessing what Blake is thinking.

“Oh,” Blake says softly.

Of course he logically knew that Alec had made those scars, but he had never really pictured what it would have been like for him to do it. He had certainly never considered the logistics of cutting your wrist with your non-dominant hand. Just that small detail makes all of it seem infinitely more real.

“But, um, the design is like… life and death,” Alec says. “It sounds dumb when I say it like that. But like, the fox head is being alive, and doing what you have to do to survive. Like animals do all this shit and they don’t care about whatever we care about, it’s just… living.”

He pauses and looks at Blake for a few seconds before continuing.

“And the skull is like, um, you know that thing in Latin, memento mori? It’s like, remember that you’re going to die. And people would paint skulls in paintings so you always had this reminder that everything is… is temporary. And it’s kinda supposed to be a warning I guess. But to me it’s more like, comforting. Like no matter how bad shit gets, it’s not forever.”

He stares at his wrists for a moment, then pulls his sleeves back down and shakes his head.

“I dunno, I’m bad at explaining. It probably sounds stupid.”

“No, that’s really, really cool,” Blake says.

“Thanks,” Alec says. “I thought about it a lot. I knew I wanted to get something because it fucking sucks to only be able to wear long sleeve shirts. But my parents wouldn’t let me do it before I turned 18, so I had a while to figure out what I wanted.”

“Didn’t you have a fake ID?” Blake asks.

“I mean, yeah. But if my parents found out they would have killed me. My mom was still pissed, but I don’t feel guilty about it like I would have.”

“Why was she mad? It’s not like you didn’t think about it and have a good reason.”

“She’s not big on tattoos in general,” Alec says. “I guess it’s like a religious thing. I don’t know. She’s weird about a lot of random stuff like that.”

“I didn’t know your family was religious,” Blake says.

He’s never heard Alec talk about it before and he would never have assumed Alec was religious, or that he was raised that way.

“Yeah, my mom and dad mostly, but my brother too. And my sister goes to church with them, but she’s only thirteen, so she hasn’t got much choice.”

“What about you?” Blake asks.

“I think it’s a load of shit,” Alec says. Blake smiles slightly.

“I figured. I mean, no offense, but nothing you do really screams good Christian boy to me.”

“I’m guessing you’re not particularly religious either,” Alec says.

“Yeah, no,” Blake replies. “My dad isn’t, so I’ve never like, been to church or whatever. Not that I remember at least.” He pauses for a moment and lights up a cigarette. “Emily’s family is catholic though. Her parents have invited me to mass a few times.”

“Really?” Alec asks.

“Yeah. I didn’t go, but I guess it was a nice gesture. I was mostly just surprised they don’t hate me.”

“Honestly, me too,” Alec says. Blake punches his arm.

“Fuck off.”

“I meant because you’re, ya know, defiling their daughter.”

“I’m not defiling her, god. That sounds fucking awful. Besides, they might not even know we’ve had sex.”

“You two have been dating for how long? Over a year? I don’t think they’re idiots, Blake.”

“Whatever,” Blake says, rolling his eyes. He takes another drag of his cigarette. “She’s not really religious anyway. I mean I guess she is, but like she doesn’t care much about all the rules and shit.”

“Clearly,” Alec says.

They’re both quiet for a few minutes, but it’s a comfortable silence.

“I should head home,” Blake says once he finishes his cigarette.

Alec nods.

“Hey, um, thanks again,” he says. “For the other night.”

“Of course.” Blake grabs Alec’s hand and squeezes it lightly. “I’ll see you, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Chapter Text

Blake is playing guitar in his room when he hears the doorbell ring. He pauses for a moment, then goes back to playing, deciding to ignore it. A few moments later it rings again.

“Blake, get the fucking door!” his dad yells from downstairs. 

Blake rolls his eyes and hangs his guitar on a hook on his wall before going downstairs. He opens the door to see Alec standing there, looking tired and disheveled.

“Hey,” Alec says softly.

“Hey,” Blake says. “What are you doing here?”

“Can I come in?” Alec asks. He runs his hand through his messy hair. Blake glances over his shoulder into the house.

“Um, my dad’s here,” he says.

“Oh.”

“I mean, you can come in if you want,” Blake says. “Just… ya know.”

“Yeah,” Alec says. He knows Blake doesn’t like having people over when his dad is there, although he isn’t entirely sure why. “I just wanted to talk to you about some stuff in person,” he says. “But, uh, it’s fine. I can come back some other time.”

“No, it’s good,” Blake says. “Sorry. Come in.”

“Are you sure?” Alec asks.

“Yeah,” Blake says. “Yeah, it’s cool. Just, uh, we can’t like blast music or whatever.”

“Ok, cool.”

Blake steps back and opens the door wider so Alec can follow him inside, then closes the door behind him and locks it. Alec can hear the television on in the living room as they walk to the stairs. Blake pauses awkwardly by the entrance to the living room for a moment.

“Alec’s here,” he says, his voice raised slightly so his dad will hear him over the television.

“Don’t be loud,” his dad replies. Blake doesn’t respond, he just walks to the stairs, Alec following close behind him.

Blake’s room is just as messy as usual, but he doesn’t bother apologizing about it. He knows Alec doesn’t care. He just shoves his sheets to the side of his bed to make room for them to sit down.

“So, what’s up?” Blake asks. “Is everything ok?”

“Yeah, I’m ok,” Alec says. He hesitates for a moment. “I’ve been, uh, looking at apartments. And I thought maybe, maybe you would want to get a place together.”

“What?” Blake says, not fully processing what Alec said.

“You’re always saying how much you hate living with your dad,” Alec says. “And you’re eighteen now. And we have the money.”

“You’re getting an apartment?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I just need to move out,” Alec says.

“Did something happen? With your parents?” Blake asks. Alec shakes his head.

“No. I mean, nothing big or whatever. I just want to do it, ok?”

“You’re sure about this?” Blake asks. “That’s a lot of responsibility, living by yourself.”

“I’m sure.”

“You gotta pay your own bills, do all the shopping and cooking and cleaning.”

“Yeah, I know,” Alec says. Blake bites his lip and pauses for a moment, thinking.

“I don’t think this is a good idea, Alec,” he says.

“I’m not asking you what you think,” Alec replies, slightly angry. “I was asking if you wanted to do this with me. If you don’t, I’ll do it myself. But I thought you would understand.”

“You have a good family,” Blake says. “You have a nice house and parents who give a shit and a little sister who you care about.”

“They don’t give a shit,” Alec says. “They didn’t even come see me when I was in the fucking hospital. They barely even fucking talk to me anymore unless they’re telling me off for something. And my sister… I don’t wanna screw her up. She’s such a good kid. And I’m just… fucked.”

“You’re a good brother,” Blake says. Alec shakes his head.

“No. I’m not. My older brother, he’s good. He’s smart and popular and,” Alec pauses for a moment. “And not like me. He’s the kind of kid you could be proud of.”

“I’m sure your parents are proud of you.”

“They’re not.”

“We’re doing quite well, you know,” Blake says. “You saw our last royalties check. And we’re going on a month and a half tour halfway across the world. It’s amazing. Hell, even my dad told me he was happy I’d finally done something worthwhile with myself.”

“That’s certainly a backhanded compliment,” Alec says.

“It’s about all I can hope for, ok?” Blake replies. “And if he thinks that, I’m sure your parents are proud of you too.”

“Well, if they are, they’ve never said a damn thing to me about it,” Alec says bitterly. “I just can’t do this anymore, ok? I can’t keep disappointing them over and over and over. I need a fucking break.”

“Ok,” Blake says with a sigh. “I get it. I’m just worried about you.”

“I’ll be fine.”

Blake is quiet for a moment. He understands why Alec wants to move out, he really does. But he can’t help imagining all the things that could go wrong. He barely trusts Alec to keep himself alive as is. Part of him wants to try and convince him again, but he knows Alec is far too stubborn once he’s made up his mind.

“I can’t move in with you,” Blake says. “I have to stay here.”

“You hate it,” Alec replies.

“Yeah.”

Blake doesn’t know how to explain it to Alec. He always told himself that he could leave once he was eighteen, that he would pack his bags and run away as soon as he could. But things were never that easy.

“I’ll visit you though,” Blake says.

“If you change your mind, let me know,” Alec says.

“Ok.”

***

Blake wakes up just after noon to an empty house. He pulls on a t-shirt and wanders downstairs to grab some breakfast. He pops some bread in the toaster and while he’s waiting he texts Alec: wanna come over and smoke? It’s nice not being so busy now that school is over and their upcoming tour isn’t for another week.

By the time Alec responds sure Blake is done with his toast and back in his room. Knowing Alec, Blake’s text probably woke him up. Blake gets dressed and goes through his notifications while he waits for Alec to show up. After about thirty minutes the doorbell rings and Blake goes and answers it.

“Hey,” Alec says. His hair is messy and he still looks half asleep.

“Hey,” Blake replies.

He walks in and Alec follows him up the stairs to his room. Alec sits on Blake’s bed and Blake grabs a small box from the top drawer of his dresser. He opens it and pulls out a baggie of weed, a grinder, and a pipe. Alec watches as he packs a bowl then grabs a lighter from his bedside table. Blake sits down next to Alec and holds the lighter up to the bowl, then puts it up to his mouth and takes a hit before passing it to Alec.

“How have you been?” Blake asks. He hasn’t seen Alec as much as normal since school ended. Alec shrugs.

“Ya know,” he says. “A bit bored. But I’m catching up on sleep at least.”

Blake nods. They take turns passing the pipe back and forth until everything is burned up and Blake puts it out of the way on his dresser.

“Music?” Blake asks.

Alec nods and Blake gets up and turns on a small speaker. He connects his phone and puts on some music before sitting back on the bed next to Alec. Alec leans against Blake’s shoulder slightly, his eyes half closed.

“Fuck,” Alec says. “I haven’t smoked in forever. My tolerance is shit.”

Blake laughs. It’s weird for him to see Alec high. He’s used to Alec being the one who acts the most normal when they’re drinking, so seeing him affected like this throws Blake off a bit.

“Did you drink anything before you came over?” Blake asks.

“Yeah. Not much though,” Alec says.

“You know that gets you higher,” Blake says. Alec shrugs.

“I don’t know if I’ve ever smoked sober, so I don’t have much to compare it to,” he says.

“I don’t know if you’ve done much of anything sober lately,” Blake replies. “Sorry,” he says after a moment. “That was mean.”

“Eh, you’re not really wrong though,” Alec says.

“We should probably talk about that,” Blake says. Alec rolls his eyes.

“I came over to get high not to be lectured,” he says.

“Fair enough,” Blake replies. Alec shifts slightly away from Blake and lies back on Blake’s bed.

“Thanks for inviting me over,” Alec says. “I don’t know what to do with myself lately. It’s like, no school, don’t have to worry about getting a job, I’m just killing time until the tour, ya know?”

“Yeah,” Blake says. He’s starting to feel more relaxed, his thoughts slowing down a bit. It’s nice.

“It’s all so weird. Like it doesn’t feel real,” Alec says. “If you told me two years ago that I’d be famous or some shit, there’s no way I would have believed you.”

“We didn’t even have a band two years ago,” Blake says. “I mean, I had Leo but that was it.”

“I didn’t even know you,” Alec says. “I mean like, I knew you, but I didn’t know you.”

“Yeah,” Blake says. “You had your friends in your year.”

“Friends is a strong term,” Alec replies. “After I joined your year I didn’t hear from any of them until the album came out. Then all of a sudden they wanted to know how I was doing.”

“Yeah, I remember everyone texting me and messaging me on every fucking app. Acting like we were best mates when they’d said one word to me in the halls. Fuck that.”

Blake lies down next to Alec, their arms brushing each other. All of it feels surreal, and part of him thinks this must be a dream, that it’s too good to be true. He closes his eyes and just listens to the music.

Chapter Text

Their flight leaves just before ten, but because it’s international Cam makes sure they’re at the airport by six thirty. Their taxi drops them off by the check in counters and they pull their bags out of the trunk.

“Don’t you think this is a bit excessive?” Blake asks. “It can’t take that long to get to the plane.”

“You never know how long it’s going to take to get through security,” Cam says. “We’d rather be too early than too late. Come on.” He grabs his bag and walks toward the door before stopping. “Blake, this is your last chance to smoke until we land in New York, so if you want to meet us inside, that’s fine.”

“Are you for real?” Blake asks. “That’s gonna be in like ten hours.”

“Did you think they were going to let you smoke on the plane?” Cam asks. Blake just stares at him. “Alec, do you want to stay with Blake?”

“Sure, why not,” Alec says.

"The check in line is pretty long, I doubt we’ll make it through by the time you’re done, so just come find us.”

Cam, Leo, and Finn walk into the airport, leaving Blake and Alec standing outside. Blake turns to Alec.

“I’m fucked,” he says, pulling out a pack of cigarettes and a lighter. He offers a cigarette to Alec who takes it. Blake lights his cigarette and hands the lighter to Alec.

“You’ll be fine. It’s not even a full day.”

“That’s easy for you to say, you smoke what, like once a week?” Blake says. Alec shrugs and lights his cigarette, then hands the lighter back to Blake.

“Just sleep or something. I know I’m exhausted. It’s bloody early.”

“My first flight ever and it’s eight fucking hours,” Blake says. “Aren’t you nervous at all?”

“A bit, but people fly all the time. I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Alec says.

Blake isn’t particularly reassured. He wonders if Alec is actually as calm as he seems or if he’s just acting that way. Or maybe he’s too tired to be nervous for his first ever flight. Despite barely sleeping the night before, Blake doubts he’ll be able to calm down enough to sleep on the plane.

Blake finishes his cigarette and considers lighting up another, but Alec is almost done so he decides against it. He just shifts back and forth nervously, hand gripped tightly on the handle of his bag.

“Ready to go?” Alec says after a moment.

“Ready as I’ll ever be, I suppose,” Blake responds. They roll their bags into the airport and find Cam, Leo, and Finn about halfway through the check in line.

“Blake, can I have your lighter?” Cam says. Blake wrinkles his brow.

“Am I not allowed to have it on the plane?” he asks.

“You are, but I would feel more comfortable if I had it,” Cam replies.

“You don’t trust me?” Blake asks indignantly.

“Blake, it’s a long flight, you’re nervous, I just don’t want there to be a temptation to do anything you might regret.”

Blake is hurt and angry, but he fishes the lighter out of his pocket and hands it to Cam anyway. Cam puts it in his pocket and smiles at Blake.

“Thank you,” he says. “I’ll give it back when we land.”

Blake spends the rest of the time in the check in line staring at the ground, avoiding eye contact with Cam and everyone else. He knows Cam has good reasons not to trust him, he hasn’t exactly been the best behaved while Cam’s been their manager. But he still feels like he’s being treated like a child.

When they’re called up to the counter Cam does all the talking, which Blake is thankful for. He just hands his passport to the woman behind the counter and drags his bag onto the scale to be weighed and checked. The woman hands everyone their boarding passes and tells them to have a nice flight.

Security is a mess. Blake doesn’t think he’s ever seen lines this long anywhere else. Suddenly Cam’s insistence on arriving early doesn’t seem so far-fetched. It feels like they’re barely moving at all, the line snaking back and forth again and again.

“Is it always this bad?” Alec asks.

“Not always. Probably since it’s the beginning of summer holidays people are flying more."

They’re mostly quiet through the rest of the line; it’s too early for any of them to be awake enough to make conversation. Finally, they reach the front and a man checks their boarding passes and passports.

It seems like there are a thousand things to keep track of, shoes, passport, laptop, jacket, backpack, and Blake is worried he’ll leave something important behind. But they make it through security without incident. By the time they make it to their gate and sit down, it’s almost nine.

“Alright, we have about an hour until we board,” Cam says, checking his boarding pass. “I can stay here with your things if you want to walk around or find something to eat.”

“What seat do you have?” Leo asks Blake. Blake looks at the plane ticket for a moment, not sure what he’s looking for until Leo points at the right place.

“3C,” Blake says.

“That’s an aisle seat,” Leo says. “I have 3A which is the window if you wanna switch.”

“I thought we were next to each other,” Blake says.

“We are. B would be the middle but since we’re in first class there’s only two seats on each side.”

“Oh, ok. But you can have the window if you want. It is your seat after all.”

“Yeah, but it’s your first time on a plane,” Leo says. “You should look out the window, it’s cool.”

“Ok. We could switch on the way back or something,” Blake offers.

“If you want.”

“Leo,” Blake says, tapping Leo’s shoulder.

“What’s up?” Leo asks, pulling his headphones off.

“They said to watch the safety thing,” Blake says.

“It’s the same every time,” Leo replies. “I’ve seen it like three times before.”

“Oh, ok,” Blake says quietly. Leo is about to put his headphones back on when he notices how anxious Blake looks.

“Blake, it’s gonna be fine,” Leo says. “Flying is really safe.” He pauses for a second. “Hold on, I got you something.”

Leo grabs his backpack from under the seat in front of him and pulls out a pack of gum from the front pocket.

“Here,” he says, offering it to Blake. “I don’t know how much it’ll help but I figured since you can’t smoke this might be good. I was gonna get you nicotine gum, but they carded me.”

“Thanks,” Blake says, taking the packet from Leo and pulling out a stick of gum. “I didn’t even think of that.”

“And I have a second pack if you need it,” Leo says.

“You’re a life saver. For real,” Blake says. Leo grabs Blake’s hand and squeezes it.

“As soon as we’re in the air for a bit you’ll forget we’re even flying, ok?” Leo says. “And then maybe you can sleep, or we can watch a movie or something.”

“Ok, that sounds good.”

As soon as they make it off the plane, Blake turns to Cam.

“Can I have my lighter?” he asks.

“Here,” Cam says, pulling it out of his pocket. “But we still have to go through customs before you can go outside.”

“You said I could smoke when we landed,” Blake says.

“Well, I didn’t think I needed to specify that you would have to wait until we dealt with everything at the airport.”

“It’s been like ten hours,” Blake says. “I’m fucking dying.”

“You’ll be fine,” Cam replies, shaking his head.

The line for customs is long, winding back and forth over and over again. Blake runs his thumb across the corner of his passport anxiously until Leo stops him.

“Hey,” Leo says softly, holding Blake’s hand still. “You made it through the whole flight, yeah? This is nothing.”

Blake nods and tries to calm down, but the line feels like it’s barely moving and every minute they stand still seems like an eternity. Eventually they get to the front and are called up to a window. They all hand the woman their passports and Cam answers a few questions about what they’re doing and where they’re staying while they’re in the country. The woman stamps their passports and hands them back to each of them before waving to the people behind them.

“I’m going outside,” Blake says as soon as they walk away from the counter, pointing to a door. He doesn’t wait for a response before walking off.

“Blake,” Cam yells after him. “Blake!” When Blake doesn’t stop Cam sighs and turns to Alec. “Can you go with him to make sure he doesn’t get lost or something?" Cam asks. “We’ll wait here.”

“Yeah, sure,” Alec says.

Alec walks out after Blake and finds him standing a little ways away from the door, already smoking. Alec stands next to him.

“I’m supposed to make sure you don’t get lost,” Alec says.

“The door’s right there,” Blake says, motioning with his free hand. Alec shrugs. “Want one?” Blake asks, holding out his pack of cigarettes to Alec. Alec shakes his head.

“Nah, I’m good.”

“Suit yourself,” Blake says, shoving the box back into his pocket.

They stand quietly for a few minutes until Blake is ready to go back in. They find Cam, Leo, and Finn sitting on a bench just inside. The three of them stand up when they see Blake and Alec and walk over to them.

“You can’t just run off like that,” Cam says to Blake.

“I said I was going outside. I was like two meters from the door. You didn’t have to send Alec after me, I was fine.”

“We’re in a foreign country in an airport in one of the biggest cities in the world, Blake. You need to stay with us,” Cam replies.

“It’s not like I couldn’t just ask someone for directions,” Blake says, annoyed. “It’s fucking America, they speak English.”

“Do you even know the name of the hotel we’re staying at?” Cam asks. “Because you can’t ask for directions if you don’t know where you’re going.”

“I wasn’t gonna get lost. You need to chill out,” Blake says.

“I’m in charge of making sure the four of you get where you’re supposed to be without anything bad happening,” Cam says. “And you’re making that much more difficult than it needs to be. Come on, let’s get our bags.”

Chapter Text

By the time they get their things and arrive at the hotel it’s just after three, but after a long day of travel and a five-hour time change, they’re all exhausted. They sit in the lobby while Cam checks in.

“This place is fancy,” Alec says, looking up at the chandelier hanging over them.

“At this point I don’t even care, I just want somewhere to lay down,” Leo says.

"I bet the beds are nice,” Finn says.

They sit for a while longer, too tired to make any real conversation. After a few minutes Cam walks over to them.

“Alec, Blake, here are your room keys,” Cam says, handing them each a plastic card. “And Leo and Finn.” He hands them their keys. “We’re all on the fifth floor.” He motions to the elevators and they walk over, rolling their bags behind them.

They ride the elevator up to the fifth floor and find their rooms, which are all next to each other.

“Alright, get settled in and rest up for a bit. We’ll get dinner in a few hours,” Cam says before retreating to his room.

Blake slides his keycard in the door and swings it open. The room is big, with a king size bed and a small seating area.

“Which side do you want?” Blake asks Alec.

“I don’t care,” Alec replies. Blake walks over and tosses his backpack on the floor before slipping his shoes off and climbing on the bed.

“Shit, this is nice,” he says. Alec walks over and lies down on the opposite side.

“Forget dinner,” Alec says. “Let’s just go to bed right now.” Blake mumbles his approval and pulls the comforter over him, burying his head against the pillow.

Blake wakes up to a knock on the door. He blinks his eyes a few times, disoriented. It takes him a moment to remember where he is. Alec is sleeping next to him, so he gets up and answers the door. It’s Cam, with Leo and Finn standing just behind him.

“We’re getting dinner,” Cam says. “Let’s go.”

“Alec’s asleep,” Blake says. Cam leans past Blake and looks into the room.

“Alec,” he says loudly. Alec keeps his eyes closed and mumbles something. Blake walks back over to the bed and taps Alec’s shoulder.

“Come on, we’re getting food. You can go back to sleep later,” he says.

“I don’t want food, I want to sleep,” Alec says.

“It’s not negotiable,” Cam says from the door. “Sleeping more now is just going to make the jet lag worse.” Alec groans but gets up.

“We’re just going to the hotel restaurant,” Cam says. “I think everyone is too tired to walk around and look for a good place to eat.” They walk to the elevators and ride down to the ground floor.

The hotel restaurant is nice and Blake feels underdressed in his jeans and t-shirt. It’s not very busy and they’re seated quickly at a table in the back of the restaurant. They take a few minutes to look over the menu in silence before anyone says anything.

“Did you guys fall asleep too?” Blake asks, turning toward Leo and Finn.

“I did,” Finn says. “Leo didn’t.”

“I’m trying to stay up until later so I can get my sleep schedule on track,” Leo says.

“Yeah, well I’m still gonna sleep tonight, I’m exhausted,” Alec says.

“You’re always exhausted,” Leo says.

“You’re not wrong,” Alec replies.

A few minutes later a waiter comes to take their drink orders. Finn orders a lemonade, Leo, Blake, and Cam stick with water, and Alec tries to order a glass of wine.

“Can I see your ID?” the waiter asks. Alec fishes his wallet out of his pocket and hands his ID to the waiter. The waiter looks it over and hands it back, shaking his head.

“You’re nineteen,” he says.

“Yeah,” Alec replies.

“The drinking age is twenty-one here.”

“Oh. Then, uh, water is fine,” Alec says. The waiter nods and walks off. Once he’s out of earshot Alec turns to Blake. “Shit,” he says. “I don’t have a fake since I’m legal back home.”

“I didn’t bring mine. Plus, it only says I’m nineteen anyway,” Blake says. Alec turns to Cam.

“Will you buy me something to drink after dinner?” he asks. Cam raises his eyebrows.

“Alec, I’m not going to encourage underage drinking. As your manager I’m responsible for your wellbeing. I’m not breaking the law just because you want to get drunk.”

“I don’t want to get drunk,” Alec says. “I just want to have a few drinks. You would be fine with it if we were back home.”

“Alec, I said no. Besides, a few weeks sober will be good for you.”

Alec turns to Blake pleadingly, but Blake doesn’t know what to say.

They go through the rest of dinner without much conversation. Alec seems distant and anxious the entire time and everyone else is too tired to put much effort into anything beyond eating.

By the time Blake and Alec get back to their room, Blake is starting to worry more and more about Alec. He notices that Alec’s hands are shaking slightly when he slides the keycard into the door. Alec immediately collapses onto the bed when they walk into the room, burying his face in a pillow.

“You alright?” Blake asks. Alec shakes his head.

“I feel like shit,” he says. “My head is killing me.”

“You want some pain killers?” Blake offers.

“Yes, please,” Alec says. Blake fishes some pills out of his backpack and hands them to Alec, then goes and fills a glass with water. Alec takes the water and swallows the pills. He sits up, pressing his hand against his eyes.

“Is there a minibar?” he asks. Blake gets up and walks around the room, opening a few cabinets.

“Nope,” he says after a minute.

“Fuck,” Alec says. “Why the hell does Cam have to be all uppity about legal shit all of a sudden? Stupid country with their stupid drinking laws.”

“Alec, it’s gonna be fine, ok?” Blake says. “I’m sure you can get someone to buy you booze at the shows. Just like, offer backstage passes or something in return for alcohol, I’m sure tons of people would take you up on that.”

“Yeah, but that doesn’t help me now,” Alec says.

“Just try and sleep. I’m sure being exhausted and jet lagged isn’t helping things.”

Blake grabs a toothbrush and some pajamas from his suitcase and walks into the bathroom. When he comes back, Alec is curled up with his eyes shut, but Blake isn’t sure if he’s asleep or not.

“I’m gonna turn the light out,” Blake says. Alec mumbles something that sounds like ok, so Blake switches off the lights and crawls into bed.

Blake wakes up in the middle of the night and notices that Alec isn’t next to him in the bed. He checks his phone, it’s almost three in the morning. Then he notices the light is on in the bathroom and he breathes a sigh of relief that Alec didn’t just disappear. He’s about to go back to sleep when he hears Alec gagging from the bathroom. He puts his glasses on and gets up.

“Alec, you alright?” he asks, standing just outside the door.

“I feel fucking awful,” Alec replies.

“Can I come in?” Blake asks.

He waits a second and Alec opens the door. He looks exhausted, his face is pale and his hair is matted against his forehead with sweat.

“I feel like I’m dying,” Alec says. “My head has been pounding for hours and I was really nauseous for a while and now I’m puking my guts out.”

“Shit, that’s not good,” Blake says. He doesn’t know what to say or do. “You want me to get Cam?” Alec is about to answer but instead he leans over the toilet and retches, but nothing comes up. “I’m getting Cam,” Blake says. Alec nods and kneels on the ground.

Blake grabs his room key and walks out into the hall. He walks over to Cam’s door and knocks loudly. It takes a minute for the door to swing open, revealing Cam, looking more disheveled than Blake has ever seen him. He supposes he probably doesn’t look much better; it is three in the morning.

“Blake, what’s wrong?” Cam asks.

“It’s Alec. He’s really sick. Like he can’t stop throwing up.”

Cam takes a deep breath and disappears into his room for a moment. He steps back out with shoes on and his phone in his hand.

They walk back to Blake and Alec’s room and Blake unlocks the door. The room is still dark except for the light coming from the bathroom so Blake flips the light switch on. Cam walks past him and finds Alec, still kneeling on the floor over the toilet.

“Blake says you’re not feeling well,” Cam says, his voice calmer than Blake feels it should be. Alec looks up at him, his eyes not quite focused, and nods.

“You’ve been throwing up?” Cam asks. “Anything else?”

“My head’s been hurting all night. And I was nauseous, and kinda shaky earlier and my heart is beating really fast. I just feel bad. Really, really bad.”

Cam leans over and puts his hand against Alec’s forehead.

“You’re a bit warm, but I don’t think you have a fever,” he says. “Were you feeling sick on the plane or before we left at all?” Alec shakes his head.

“I was fine until after dinner. Well, like halfway through dinner. I thought it was just because I didn’t have anything to drink.”

Cam looks at Blake, his eyes widening. Blake wrinkles his brow in confusion, not quite sure what Cam is trying to convey.

“Blake, can I talk to you for a moment?” Cam asks. Blake nods and Cam tugs his arm, pulling him back into the hotel room.

“How much does Alec normally drink?” Cam asks, his voice just above a whisper.

“Why are you asking me?” Blake replies defensively.

“Because I need an honest answer and I’m not going to get that from Alec.”

Blake glances back toward the bathroom, unsure of what to say.

“I mean,” he starts. “I can’t really… I don’t know.”

Cam sighs.

“I can’t do this with you right now, Blake. He’s not in trouble, this isn’t a trick question. But I know you probably have a pretty good idea, yeah?” He pauses for a moment until Blake gives a slight nod. “Ok. Does he drink every day?”

Despite what Cam said, Blake still hesitates before answering. He feels like he’s being interrogated by one of their teachers or parents.

“Yeah,” Blake says after a moment.

“How much?”

“Um, I don’t know. I’m not, I’m not with him all the time.”

“But it’s not just one or two drinks?” Cam asks.

“No. It’s… he drinks a lot.” Blake bites his thumbnail anxiously.

“Fuck,” Cam mutters. “Ok. Thank you.”

“What does that have to do with this?” Blake asks. Cam sighs again.

“If he’s been drinking a lot, consistently, well, your body gets used to that. And if you stop… I mean, everything he said, that’s pretty classic withdrawal symptoms. I was a bit concerned when I saw how shaky his hands were at dinner, but I didn’t think it would be this bad.”

“But he’ll be ok?”

“I won’t let anything bad happen to him,” Cam says. “But, just for the future, just in case, this can be really serious, ok?”

Blake nods, but Cam’s tone scares him. This is different than the usual way he talks to Blake.

“Like ‘he could die’ serious?” Blake asks softly.

Cam hesitates for a split second, just long enough for Blake to notice.

“In extreme cases, yes.”

Cam is walking back to the bathroom now, not looking at Blake as he answers. Blake trails after him, not quite sure what to do.

“We should go to the hospital,” Blake says as they reach the doorway.

Alec looks up at them.

“I don’t need to go to the hospital,” he says, his voice gravely.

“Alec,” Cam says, his voice calm and firm. “You’re going through withdrawal, ok?"

“What?” Alec says, confused.

“Alcohol withdrawal,” Cam says, slightly slower. “That’s why you’re feeling so sick.”

“No, that’s not-“ Alec starts to say, but then he stops, reconsidering. “Fuck.”

He lays his head down against his arms, resting on the toilet bowl. Blake’s chest is tight, seeing Alec like this. He can’t help but remember the night he overdosed.

“Cam, he needs to go to the hospital,” Blake says, his voice rising.

“I’m fine, I don’t need to go to the hospital,” Alec mumbles.

“Blake, we can handle this here,” Cam says.

“What happened to being responsible for our wellbeing?” Blake says, practically yelling. “He could die!”

There’s a knock on the door and Cam walks over and opens it. Leo and Finn are there, both in their pajamas looking very confused.

“Is everything alright?” Leo asks. “We heard you guys through our wall.”

“Alec is fucking dying and Cam doesn’t want to take him to the hospital,” Blake says.

“I’m not dying,” Alec replies.

“Wait, what’s going on?” Finn asks.

“Alec is sick. He’ll be fine, I just need to go get some things for him,” Cam says. “I was just about to leave. I’ll be back in a bit, call me if anything gets worse.”

He brushes past Finn and Leo and walks out the door. Everyone stands still for a moment then Leo walks over and kneels next to Alec. He brushes the hair out of Alec’s eyes.

“What exactly is going on?” Leo asks.

“I’m sick,” Alec replies.

“He’s not fucking sick,” Blake interrupts. “He’s going through alcohol withdrawal.”

“I’ve been puking my guts out I think that counts as sick,” Alec replies.

“Yeah, well, it’s not like you have the flu or something,” Blake retorts.

“Why do you have to be an asshole about everything?” Alec says.

“I’m terrified for you Alec,” Blake says. “This is serious. You can’t just act like it’s not a big deal anymore. You have a fucking problem, and you need to acknowledge it.”

Alec is about to say something, but instead he leans over the toilet and retches a few times.

“Do you really think now is the best time for this, Blake?” Leo asks. He places his hand on Alec’s back and pats him a few times. “It’s gonna be ok,” he says.

Eventually, after what feels like an eternity, there’s a knock on the door. Finn opens it and Cam walks in with a plastic shopping bag in one hand.

“How are you doing?” he asks Alec.

“Shitty,” Alec replies.

“Here,” Cam says, reaching into the bag and pulling out a bottle of vodka.

Alec takes it and opens it. Cam hands him one of the hotel glasses from next to the sink and Alec pours some into the glass and drinks it before immediately pouring more.

“Slow down,” Cam says. “I don’t want you throwing it all up.” Alec nods and sips more slowly.

“What the hell, Cam?” Blake says. “He needs medical attention, not more fucking alcohol.”

“If we didn’t have a show in less than 48 hours I would agree with you,” Cam says. “But we don’t have time for him to detox. We’ve gotta make it through this tour and this is the only way I can see that happening.”

“Fuck the tour,” Blake says angrily. “Isn’t Alec’s health more important than that?”

“I’m your manager,” Cam says. “I have to do what’s best for the band. Do you know how bad it would look if we cancelled your first US tour?”

“Do you know how bad it would look if something happened to Alec?” Blake retorts.

“He’ll be fine. Just trust me, ok?” Cam turns to Alec. “How are you doing?” he asks.

“Better,” Alec says, finishing his second glass. He goes to pour another, but Cam takes the bottle away.

“I’m only giving you as much as you need to stay functional,” Cam says. “If you start feeling sick again, let me know. But that should be enough to get you through the night.” Alec looks like he wants to argue, but he doesn’t say anything. He knows he doesn’t have much ground to stand on.

“I’m going back to bed,” Leo says, standing up. “Come on Finn, let’s go.” The two of them walk to the door. “Night,” Leo says with a small wave before they walk out.

“We have a busy day tomorrow,” Cam says. “Get some sleep.” He puts the vodka back in the plastic bag and walks out, leaving Blake and Alec alone.

“This is all fucked,” Blake says. Alec nods.

“Yeah,” he says. “I’m sorry.”

“I didn’t realize it was this bad,” Blake says softly. “I mean, I was worried about you, but now….” He pauses. “I don’t wanna lose you.”

“It’s not that big of a deal,” Alec says.

Blake knows that’s a lie but he’s too tired to argue, so he just walks back to bed, Alec following close behind. Alec falls asleep quickly, but Blake can’t sleep. Instead, he stares at the ceiling, listening to Alec’s breathing, until he can’t keep his eyes open anymore.

Chapter Text

Blake wakes up to a sharp knocking on the door. He turns and looks at Alec, hoping that maybe he’ll get up and answer it instead, but he’s still asleep. Blake sighs and puts his glasses on. There’s another knock on the door.

“I’m coming,” Blake says. He opens the door to see Cam standing there.

“Hey, can you two be ready to go by nine?” Cam asks.

“What time is it?” Blake asks.

“Just after eight.”

“Yeah, probably.”

“Alright, great,” Cam says. “I’ll be back then. We’ll be walking around a lot so wear comfortable shoes.”

“Ok,” Blake replies.

Cam walks away and Blake shuts the door behind him before turning the light on. He walks back over to the bed and stands next to the side where Alec is sleeping.

“Alec,” he says. “Time to get up.”

“What time is it?” Alec asks, not opening his eyes.

“Like eight. But we gotta go in an hour.”

“Wake me up in thirty minutes,” Alec mumbles, pulling the comforter over his head.

“Aren’t you gonna shower?” Blake asks.

“I can shower fast.”

Blake sighs. He decides it’s not worth it to try and make Alec get up, at least not until he’s done showering. So he grabs clean clothes from his suitcase and walks into the bathroom.

Once they’re all ready to go, they head down to the hotel lobby.

“Here,” Cam says, handing Alec a water bottle. “This is for the whole day, so drink it accordingly.”

Alec takes the bottle and stares at it for a second. He untwists the cap and takes a small sip.

“That’s really watered down,” Alec says.

“I’m not giving you half a liter of vodka, Alec,” Cam says.

“It was just an observation,” Alec says, rolling his eyes. He takes another sip.

Blake is surprised by how casual Cam is being about all of this; he would’ve expected him to be more reluctant to give Alec alcohol or even to let him come with them for the day. But if he’s worried, he doesn’t show it.

Blake glances over at Leo and Finn, trying to gauge their reactions. He briefly makes eye contact with Leo, but Leo just shrugs. Blake decides he’s too tired to argue with Cam, so he keeps quiet as they walk out of the hotel and into the city.

That evening after dinner, they meet briefly in Cam’s hotel room to go over the plan for tomorrow. Once Cam is satisfied that everyone is on the same page he tells Blake, Finn, and Leo to go back to their rooms and get some rest. Alec stays behind, sitting awkwardly on the edge of the bed, feeling like a kid who’s been asked to stay after class.

Cam sits down on a chair across from Alec and sighs heavily. He’s silent for a minute or two, just staring at the wall. He looks exhausted.

“How are you doing?” Cam asks.

“Ok,” Alec says quietly.

“You’re not feeling sick?”

Alec shakes his head.

“No. I had a bad headache earlier, but I’m ok now.”

Cam nods, then looks at Alec for a moment with his brow furrowed, thinking.

“I know you don’t want to be lectured,” he finally says. “And now is neither the time nor the place for that. But I also don’t feel comfortable not addressing this at all.”

“Yeah,” Alec says, staring at the ground.

As much as he doesn’t want to have this conversation, it would be a lie to say he wasn’t a little scared. He was never under the impression that the amount he drank was normal or healthy, but he had at least felt like he was in control of it, like it was his choice, no matter how self-destructive of a choice it was. There was always the reassurance that if he actually wanted to, he could stop, or cut back, or something. But now he isn’t so sure.

“For now, for the tour, just do what you have to do, ok?” Cam says. “It’s going to be a busy month, we’ll be traveling and dealing with all of the logistical nightmares that are bound to come up and I’m sure it’ll be stressful and exhausting. It’s not the time to be making radical changes. I get that.”

He pauses, giving Alec a chance to say something. But he doesn’t have anything to say. His mind keeps falling back to last night, to the slightly foggy memory of how he felt. He can’t imagine going through that again and trying to be a functional person.

“When we get back home, how do you feel about seeing someone? Nothing intensive, of course, unless that’s something you’re interested in. But I’m happy to call around and see if I can find any counselors or psychologists accepting patients.”

“I don’t know…” Alec says.

“I really think it would be a good idea,” Cam says. Despite his earlier promise to avoid lecturing, Alec feels like that’s exactly where this is going. “This isn’t sustainable, Alec. I’m sure you know that.”

“I’m not crazy,” Alec says, mostly to himself.

“No one is saying that. I just think someone with that background will have the best knowledge on how to help you make some positive changes.

Alec considers telling Cam that he doesn’t want to make any changes, but decides it’s better to stay quiet.

“I’ll make some calls,” Cam says after another long silence. “See what our options are.” He waits another minute to see if Alec will say anything else, but he doesn’t. “Will you at least think about it? Please?”

“Ok,” Alec says.

He’s already thought about it as much as he wants to, but he hopes agreeing will placate Cam for the time being. Cam sighs and stands up.

“Alright,” he says, “go get some rest, yeah? I know I need some.”

***

A few days later, Alec and Blake are relaxing in their latest hotel room, enjoying a brief reprieve from the whirlwind of travel, shows, interviews, and parties that’s made up the tour so far. Alec has almost managed to catch up on reading all of the texts he’s missed when there’s a knock on their door. Blake gets up from the bed to answer.

“Hi,” Leo says. “Is Alec here?”

“Hello,” Alec says, standing up.

“Hey, I was wondering if you wanted to go for a walk?” Leo asks. “Just, get some fresh air, walk around, you know.”

“Uh, sure, yeah, that sounds nice,” Alec says. “Give me a sec.”

He isn’t thrilled about the idea of standing up or walking at the moment, but he can tell Leo has a reason for asking him. He grabs a light jacket and puts his shoes on before walking over to the door.

"We’ll be back before dinner,” Leo says.

“Ok, sounds good, have a nice walk,” Blake says.

Alec follows Leo out of the room and into the hallway.

“So, the other night…” Leo says while they wait for the elevator.

“I’m fine now,” Alec replies, staring at the ground.

He had figured Leo wanted to talk about this, but part of him had been hoping that wasn’t the case.

“I mean, that was pretty scary, yeah?”

“I guess.”

They’re both quiet for a minute until the elevator arrives.

“Look, I talked with Cam,” Alec says. “Well, mostly he talked to me. But he said to just not worry about it until we get back home. Like, obviously he’s worried or whatever, but there’s not a lot I can do while we’re on tour.”

Of course, there had been much more to that conversation, but Alec doesn’t want to rehash all of the concerns with Leo. Cam had tried very hard to convince Alec that he should see someone when they got back, he’d gone as far as calling around for available appointments, but Alec had avoided committing to anything. He hopes that by the time they get home next month, everyone will have forgotten this, or at least given up on trying to talk to him about it.

“Ok,” Leo says softly. “I just worry about you.”

“I’m good, really. Besides,” Alec says with a slight smile, “this might be the one time anyone tells me it’s better if I keep drinking.”

“Alec-“

“Sorry. Bad joke.”

They exit the elevator and walk in silence for a few minutes, making their way out of the lobby and onto the street outside. Alec can tell that Leo is trying to figure out what to say. He feels bad, clearly Leo is worried, but he also feels like everyone is making far too big of a deal out of this. It’s not like he has an actual problem.

“So, um, how’s it been rooming with Blake?” Leo asks, trying to sound casual.

“Fine,” Alec replies. “I mean, not that we’ve spent much time in our rooms, really.” He pauses for a moment. “I don’t get why Cam is so particular about it though. Especially because I think he’d have to deal with a lot less lateness if you and I shared a room.”

“Yeah. I think he worries about Finn. Which is fair enough, I suppose. He is awfully young to be dealing with all of this.”

“How has it been rooming with him?” Alec asks.

“It’s been good. It’s nice, actually, because I feel like I haven’t gotten much of a chance to spend time with him one on one up till now.”

“Yeah.”

Even though it’s been close to a year since he first met Finn, Alec doesn’t feel like he really knows him that well. He doesn’t think he’s ever spent any real amount of time with Finn without Blake being there. He feels a bit guilty for not making more of an effort.

“Look,” Leo says after another long silence. “We don’t have to talk about it, I just… I just want you to know that I’m here if you need anything, ok?”

“Thanks,” Alec says quietly.

“Of course.” Leo pauses and looks up, shading his eyes against the sun with his hand. “I think there’s a park a few blocks that way, let’s go check it out.”

After they walk around for a bit, all Alec wants to do is lie down, the activity these past few days has been exhausting. So he says goodbye to Leo, who still wants to wander for a bit, and heads back to the room. But once he gets to the door, he realizes he didn’t grab his room key on the way out.

Alec pats his pockets to double check, but it’s no use, the room key isn’t there.

“Fuck,” he mumbles.

He knocks on the door, hoping that Blake is there to let him in, or at least that if he left he remembered to bring his room key. He thinks that he hears someone say something from the room, but no one comes to the door. He sighs and texts Blake: I left my key in the room, are you there to let me in?

It’s only a minute or two later that Blake replies: I’m kinda busy, gimme like ten minutes and I’ll let you in.

Ten minutes doesn’t seem like a long enough time to bother with leaving and coming back, so he leans against the wall and scrolls through his phone. His head is starting to hurt again, it’s been aching off and on the past three days, a near-constant reminder of how much he wants a drink. He sighs and sits on the floor with his back to the wall.

He had considered on several occasions asking Cam for more alcohol, but he hasn’t been able to bring himself to do it yet. He knows he can get some after their show tonight, probably a few bottles to keep on him if he plays his cards right, and he doesn’t want to give Cam another reason to try and ship him off to some program or another as soon as he steps foot off the plane.

He sighs and leans his head back against the wall.

Chapter Text

Leo and Alec walk out of the room and down the hall and Blake waits a few minutes before pulling his phone out. He scrolls through his messages and finds Finn’s number near the top, then texts him: Alec and Leo are out, wanna come over?

It’s only a minute or two before he gets a response: Sure! And after another minute or so, Finn knocks on his door. He lets Finn in and sits back down on the bed. Finn sits next to him, close but not quite touching.

“Crazy couple of days, huh?” Finn says. Blake nods.

“Yeah, who knew touring in America would be such an adventure,” Blake says, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

“And we’ve only played one show,” Finn says.

They just sit for a minute, Finn swinging his legs back and forth slightly. Eventually Blake moves his hand and rests it on Finn’s thigh. Finn takes the cue and leans against him.

“It kinda sucks not having any free time. Or privacy,” Blake says.

“Yeah.”

Blake tilts his head so he can look at Finn and gives him a slight smile. They look at each other for a moment, then Blake leans in and kisses Finn. Finn kisses back almost immediately. With all of the recent chaos, it’s been a while since they’ve done anything like this, but it feels natural, like no time has passed at all. Blake pulls Finn closer to him and moves his hand up slowly until he’s pressing gently against Finn’s crotch. Finn moans softly, but then pulls away from their kiss.

“Are we doing this?” he asks.

“I mean, that’s kinda why I invited you over,” Blake replies.

“Just, aren’t you worried that Alec will come back?” Finn asks.

“They’ll be gone for a bit, it’s fine.” Blake presses his palm down against Finn and Finn inhales sharply before leaning back in to kiss Blake again, seemingly forgetting his worries.

Blake quickly unbuttons Finn’s jeans and tugs at the waistband. It’s been far too long since they slept together and he’s desperate to touch Finn, to feel the friction of their bodies together. Finn shifts up to help Blake pull them off, kicking them to the ground after sliding them down his legs. Blake breaks their kiss and pulls his shirt off, prompting Finn to do the same.

They finish undressing one another between messy kisses, then Blake gets up and walks over to his suitcase. He tosses some of his clothes on the floor haphazardly and digs through his things before finding the lube and condoms he brought.

“Gotta come prepared,” he says, smiling at Finn. Finn, lying back on the bed, smiles back at him. Blake climbs on top of him. “I’ve been thinking about this since last time,” Blake says. “Waiting for it to happen again.”

“I’ve been thinking about it too,” Finn says, his eyes wide with desire as he looks up at Blake. “I didn’t know if you wanted it to happen again.”

“Of course I did,” Blake says. “I want this. I want you.”

Finn reaches up and pulls Blake against his chest, finding his lips again. Blake moves his hips so they’re aligned with Finn’s and thrusts gently against him, causing Finn to moan softly.

They stay like that for a while, pressed against one another, skin against skin. Blake hadn’t realized how much he missed this. Not just the physical aspect, but Finn, being close to him, feeling his heartbeat and hearing the small sounds he makes. Eventually Finn pushes Blake away just a bit.

“Can we…” Finn says, panting slightly. Blake nods. He grabs the lube from next to them on the bed and puts some on his hand.

Finn is more relaxed than the first time they were together and it’s not long before Blake is putting a condom on and pushing into Finn. He moves slowly, still a little nervous about hurting the younger boy. Finn has his eyes squeezed shut, his legs trembling slightly.

“Ok?” Blake asks as he pushes all the way in.

Finn cracks his eyes open and nods. Blake places his hands on either side of Finn’s shoulders, their chests still pressed close together. He can feel the heat radiating off of the other boy. He thrusts deeper and Finn moans and clutches at Blake’s arm. They find a slow rhythm, both of them breathing heavily. Then there’s a knock on the door. Finn’s eyes snap open.

“Fuck,” Blake says softly. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.” Finn stares at him wide-eyed.

“What do we do?” Finn asks, his voice panicked.

“Just ignore it. If it’s Cam or something, I’ll tell him I was asleep and didn’t hear it. Hopefully whoever it is will just go away.”

They stay still for a minute, waiting to see what’s going to happen. Then Blake’s phone dings from the bedside table. He sits up slightly and reaches over to grab it. It’s a text from Alec: I left my key in the room, are you there to let me in?

“Shit, it’s Alec,” Blake says. “He left his key in here.”

“I guess we’re lucky he left it so he didn’t just walk in,” Finn says.

“Yeah, hold on,” Blake says. He types out a response: I’m kinda busy, gimme like ten minutes and I’ll let you in. “Ok, I told him I was busy and to give me like ten minutes.”

“So we should get dressed then,” Finn says. Blake looks at him in confusion.

“I mean, we’re kinda in the middle of something,” he says.

“Blake, you seriously want to keep doing this? Right now?” Finn asks.

“You don’t?”

“I mean….” Finn’s voice trails off.

Blake is achingly hard, his cock still buried inside Finn, and the thought of stopping now is almost painful. He needs this. He looks into Finn’s eyes as he wraps his hand around his cock and starts to stroke him slowly.

“Come on,” he says, his voice soft and smooth. “Please?”

Finn whimpers and bucks his hips up into Blake’s hand. He bites his lip and nods quickly.

Blake smiles and keeps his hand on Finn as he starts moving inside him again. After a minute, he manages to put everything out of his mind, focusing on Finn and the surges of pleasure shooting through him. It doesn’t take long for both of them to finish and Blake rolls off of Finn and lies next to him for a moment, panting.

“We should get dressed,” Finn says after taking a minute to compose himself.

“Yeah,” Blake mumbles sleepily.

They take another minute or two to get cleaned up and pull their clothes on. Blake tries to smooth out the bedsheets, but gives up quickly when he realizes the amount of effort it will take.

“Ok, so you go back to your room,” Blake says, “and then I’ll text Alec that he can come back and I’ll let him in. If Leo’s back in your room, just say you were out walking around or something.”

Finn nods and grabs his shoes. They walk to the door together, and Blake kisses Finn one last time before they open the door. As it swings open, they see Alec, sitting against the wall in the hallway. Blake feels a surge of panic course through him.

“Hey,” Blake says, trying to keep his voice calm.

“Hello,” Alec says, looking at them with his eyebrows raised. “Finn, nice to see you.”

“Hi,” Finn says, his face red. “I was just, going back to my room.” He turns and walks over to his door, avoiding eye contact. Once the door slams shut, Blake turns to Alec.

“I can explain,” he says. “It’s not what you think.”

“Blake, I don’t need to know,” Alec says. “It’s fine, whatever, ok?”

Blake wants to make something up, try and convince Alec that Finn was just there hanging out or something, but he decides it’s probably not worth it.

“Ok,” he says, his voice quiet. “Yeah, ok.”

Blake refuses to make eye contact with Alec as he walks into the room, but Alec can’t help but keep glancing at him, trying to figure out if his gut reaction is right. He can’t imagine what else Blake and Finn would have been doing that prevented Blake from letting him into the room, but he doesn’t know how to process the idea that they might have had sex.

He isn’t sure if he’s just imagining it, but Blake’s hair looks messier than usual, his face slightly flushed. He tries not to think about it too much, but it’s hard not to.

“So, um, how was your walk?” Blake asks, sitting awkwardly at the edge of the bed.

“Ok.”

“That’s good.”

“I’m gonna lie down for a bit,” Alec says after another uncomfortably long pause. “Maybe take a nap before dinner. I didn’t get a lot of sleep last night.”

“Ok, cool. I’ll, uh, I’ll be quiet,” Blake says, sounding relieved.

Alec pulls his shoes off and lies down on the bed, not bothering to pull the comforter over himself, and closes his eyes. He is tired, that certainly wasn’t a lie. He had gone through the watered-down vodka Cam had given him too quickly yesterday, so by the time he was trying to sleep he had a hard time ignoring how much his head hurt and he couldn’t get his mind to shut off until two or three in the morning.

But now, even though he wants to sleep, all he can think about is Blake and Finn. At first he thinks that it doesn’t make sense, he’s convinced he must be imagining things. But the more he turns it over in his head, the more he realizes that it’s not too far-fetched.

When he first met Blake, before he knew about Emily, he had thought he might be gay. He never had any real reason to believe that, but something about him read that way to Alec. And Dan had always made jokes about it, jokes that Blake clearly hated. And, of course, Blake had drunkenly offered to suck Alec off a few months back. Something that Alec thought about far more often than he would ever admit. He had brushed that off as a joke, but part of him always wondered how serious Blake had been. Would he have gone through with it if Alec had let him?

He pushes that thought away quickly and tries his best to clear his mind. Eventually, his exhaustion outweighs his racing thoughts, and he falls asleep.

***

Finn and Leo have been back in their room for a while when there’s a knock on the door. Leo gets up and opens it slightly.

“Hey,” Alec says. “Can I come hang out with you guys?”

“Yeah, sure,” Leo says.

He closes the door so he can undo the chain lock, then opens it again and walks back into the room. Alec follows him and closes the door behind him.

“Sorry for bothering you so late,” Alec says. “But Blake kicked me out of our room for a bit.”

“Why?” Finn asks.

“So he can hook up with some girl he met,” Alec replies. “It’s fine. He said he’d text me when I could come back.”

“Oh,” Finn says. He hates how much it bothers him, knowing Blake is sleeping with someone else.

“Sorry,” Alec says softly, noticing Finn’s reaction.

Leo looks at Alec, confused as to why he would be apologizing to Finn. Alec makes eye contact with him and shakes his head slightly, and then mouths I’ll tell you later, his head tilted so Finn can’t see. Leo nods.

“I hope he remembers we’re sharing a wall,” Leo mutters.

Finn winces slightly. He doesn’t want to even think about Blake having sex with someone else, let alone hear him doing it. He considers asking Leo and Alec if they want to leave and go somewhere else, but it’s late and he’s tired and he doesn’t know where they would even go.

“We could watch a movie or something,” Alec suggests. “Or just have the TV on in the background.”

“Yeah, I’ll see what’s on,” Leo says.

He picks up the remote from the bedside table and clicks through a few channels before finding some action movie that seems to already be half over. He doesn’t feel like looking for anything better and no one seems intent on really watching it closely anyway, so he leaves it.

“How was the party after we left?” Leo asks. Alec shrugs.

“Fine. Blake ditched me to flirt or whatever the hell he was doing, so I just had a few more drinks and then came back here. I was in our room for a bit before he texted me and I came over. I dunno if he’s even back yet.”

“I don’t know how he’s not exhausted,” Leo says. “I can almost guarantee Finn and I have been going to sleep earlier than you two, and I’m still dead. All the traveling and concerts and parties are a lot to handle.”

“Yeah,” Finn says. “I didn’t think this tour would be so tiring.”

Alec nods in agreement and they all fall silent, not feeling up to much conversation. Finn lies down on his side of the bed and stares at the TV, vaguely watching the movie and trying not to think about Blake.

The next morning, Leo pulls Alec aside after breakfast.

“What was up with Finn?” Leo asks, his voice barely above a whisper.

“What?” Alec replies, confused.

“Last night. When you said Blake kicked you out to have sex and then apologized to Finn. Is everything good with you two?”

“Oh, yeah. No, we’re good.”

“Then what was that about?” Leo asks. Alec hesitates for a moment before answering.

“Well, I’m not totally sure about this,” Alec says. “So maybe I shouldn’t be telling you. But I think Finn and Blake slept together. Or at least something happened between them.”

“Wait, are you serious?” Leo asks.

“Yeah. Last week when we went and walked around the hotel, I left my key in the room, so I texted Blake to let me in. And he said he was busy, so I waited in the hall for a bit, and when he came out, Finn was leaving the room. And they were both very awkward about it.”

“So you think they had sex?” Leo asks.

“I don’t know what else would explain it,” Alec replies. He doesn’t mention the amount of time he spent trying to come up with plausible alternatives. “But I could be wrong. I mean, I don’t even know if either of them is, ya know, into guys or whatever.”

“You’re probably right,” Leo says with a sigh. “And I don’t know for sure about Finn, but Blake has had sex with guys before. So I wouldn’t be surprised.”

“Oh,” Alec says. He had always suspected that Blake wasn’t straight, but it still surprises him to hear Leo say it so matter-of-factly. “I didn’t know that.”

“Yeah, well he doesn’t really like to talk about it,” Leo says.

“How long have you known?” Alec asks. He knows he isn’t as close with Blake as Leo is, but he still feels a bit betrayed that Blake never told him any of this.

“I don’t know,” Leo says. “Probably a year since he told me. But I’d had a pretty good idea about it for a long time before that.”

“I mean, I always kind of thought he might be gay or whatever,” Alec says. “He has hit on me on multiple occasions. But he’s also been with Emily as long as I’ve known him. So I wasn’t sure.”

“Yeah,” Leo says quietly.

“Do you know about Finn?”

“No. He’s never said anything to me. But I wouldn’t be surprised.”

Alec doesn’t know how to reply, still trying to process what Leo told him. It was one thing to suspect that they had slept together, but it was something completely different to have it pretty much confirmed. Or at least to know that it was a real possibility.

“Thanks for telling me,” Leo says after a pause. He seems upset, but Alec doesn’t want to push things.

“Yeah. Yeah, for sure.”

Leo gives him a nod, then walks off toward the elevators.

After their show that night, Blake is outside smoking when Leo finds him. He walks up next to Blake and watches him for a moment before taking a deep breath.

“Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that you were sleeping with Finn?” Leo says angrily.

Blake is caught off guard, and it takes him a moment to process what Leo just said. And then another moment to try and come up with any sort of coherent response.

“What?” Blake finally says. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“Don’t lie to me, Blake, Alec told me.”

“Fucking hell,” Blake mutters.

“Why did I have to find out from him?” Leo asks.

Blake stares at the ground, trying to decide if there’s any way he can get out of this. He takes a drag on his cigarette and sighs.

“I didn’t want to tell anyone, ok? Alec found out accidentally.”

“You should have told me,” Leo says.

“I didn’t tell Finn when we slept together,” Blake replies.

“Yeah, well, that was different.” Leo says it so casually that Blake feels like he’s just been stabbed.

“Right,” Blake says softly. Leo either doesn’t notice the hurt in Blake’s voice or chooses to ignore it.

“Blake he’s so young, what the hell were you thinking?”

“He’s old enough to make his own choices. He’s not that much younger than you, you know.”

“He’s sixteen. You’re eighteen. That’s a big difference. And you know he looks up to you. It’s just, I don’t know, it would be easy to take advantage of that. That’s all I’m saying.”

“Fuck you,” Blake says, almost yelling. “I never made him do anything he didn’t want to. You don’t know the first thing about what happened between us.”

“I know. That’s why I’m pissed off about this whole situation.”

“What, you wanted me to come up and tell you ‘oh by the way, I’m fucking Finn now?’ Is that really what you wanted?”

“I don’t know Blake. I don’t know what the hell I want anymore.”

Leo presses his hands against his eyes and shakes his head, then turns around and walks away, leaving Blake alone once again.

Chapter Text

Blake’s phone buzzes. It’s Leo: can I come over? Blake thinks about it for a minute. It’s late, and they haven’t been on the best of terms since the end of the tour. But he misses Leo, so he types up: sure.

He’s anxious while he waits for Leo to arrive. He shouldn’t be, they’ve been friends for years, but he feels awkward. He considers tidying up his room or making his bed even though Leo has been to his house dozens of times and he’s never cared about that kind of stuff before. Finally the doorbell rings and Blake practically runs down the stairs to answer it.

“Hi,” he says.

“Hi,” Leo responds. “Can I come in?”

“Oh, yeah, sure.” Blake hates how awkward he sounds.

They walk up to Blake’s room and Leo sits on the floor. Blake sits next to him.

“So what’s up?” Blake asks.

“I missed you,” Leo says. “Things are weird. I’m sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Blake says. “I mean, I fucked up with the whole Finn thing. With a lot of things if we’re being honest.” Leo laughs a little.

“You could’ve handled it better, yeah,” he says. “But I could have too.”

Blake takes a deep breath, wondering if he should say what he’s been thinking ever since that conversation. He isn’t sure if he’s going to until it’s already out of his mouth.

“Did it really not matter to you?” he asks. “I mean, us, together?”

“I never said that,” Leo says softly.

“Yeah, but you implied it.”

“Blake, you know I’m straight,” Leo says, looking at the carpet instead of Blake.

“Then why do you keep fucking leading me on like that?” Blake replies. “You have to realize I have feelings for you.”

Leo’s head snaps up and he looks directly at Blake.

“You do?” he says, surprised.

“I thought it was pretty obvious,” Blake says. Leo tilts his head slightly, looking at Blake like he’s trying to figure him out, like he’s never seen him before. “You really didn’t know?” Blake asks. Leo shakes his head.

“Why didn’t you say anything?” he asks.

“I didn’t want to ruin our friendship,” Blake replies. “You’re my best friend. I knew you didn’t feel the same way and I thought saying it out loud might – “

Blake is cut off by Leo kissing him. He’s taken by surprise and it takes him a few seconds to kiss back, but once he does he feels himself melt into the other boy’s lips. Leo wraps his arms around Blake’s waist, pulling him close. Kissing Leo feels like the most natural thing in the world to Blake, the way their lips and tongues move together. After a moment, Blake pulls away, even though everything in him is telling him not to.

“Fuck, Leo,” he says softly. Leo laughs, his hands still resting on Blake’s hips.

“I don’t know quite what I feel,” Leo says. “But I do know that I don’t want to lose you.” He pauses for a second. “And you’re a really good kisser,” he says with a smile.

Blake tugs on Leo’s shirt, pulling him back into the kiss. They stay like that for a while, hands and mouths exploring each other. It’s not the first time they’ve been together, but it feels different, more meaningful, more real.

Eventually Blake’s hand finds its way to Leo’s crotch, pressing down softly but insistently. Leo’s groan and the feeling of him half-hard under Blake’s palm spur Blake on and he unbuttons Leo’s pants and pulls the zipper down. He pushes his hand into Leo’s boxers and Leo tightens his grip on Blake’s hips. Blake strokes Leo slowly, his other hand resting against Leo’s back. After a moment he stops and moves away from Leo. Leo looks at him, his eyelids drooped slightly.

“Can I,” Blake says, suddenly a bit nervous, “can I suck you off?”

“Fuck, Blake,” Leo moans, squeezing his eyes shut.

“Is that a yes?” Blake asks with a smile. Leo nods.

“God, yes,” he says.

They stand up, Leo fumbling with his pants for a moment before pulling them off. Blake does the same, leaving all of his clothes in a pile on the floor.

“On the bed?” Leo asks.

“Yeah,” Blake says.

Leo pulls his shirt and boxers off and lies down, spreading his legs slightly. Blake climbs on top of him and kisses him again before moving down his body, running his hands across Leo’s chest. Blake hesitates for a moment and looks up at Leo before taking Leo’s cock in his hand and running his tongue against the underside. Leo inhales sharply and digs his fingers into Blake’s mattress.

“Oh god,” he says under his breath.

Blake continues to move his tongue, flicking it gently against Leo while he strokes him with his hand. Leo moans.

“Where did you learn to do this? Shit.”

Blake looks up at him and smiles for a moment before taking Leo in his mouth again. It doesn’t take long before Leo is panting, clutching Blake’s sheets with a death grip.

“Blake, stop,” Leo manages between quick breaths. Blake pulls away, sitting up.

“Not good?” he asks, a bit disappointed.

“No, no. It’s good. Really, really good. I’m just close is all. And I didn’t know if you wanted to do something else. Not that this isn’t amazing.”

“Well, if you’re offering,” Blake says, “I’ve been thinking about you fucking me since last time.”

“Bloody hell Blake, what are you trying to do to me?” Leo moans.

“I’m trying to turn you on,” Blake says with a smirk. “Is it working?”

Instead of answering, Leo pulls Blake into a desperate, messy kiss. All Blake can feel is Leo, Leo’s hands gripping his shoulders, Leo’s lips and tongue pressed against his mouth, their bodies rubbing against one another, covered in a thin film of sweat.

Blake sits up and shifts so he can reach into his bedside table drawer and grab lube and a condom. He sets them on the bed next to them and turns back to Leo.

“So, um, how do you want to do this?” he asks.

Leo looks at him for a moment, and Blake briefly worries that he’s changed his mind, that he’s decided he doesn’t really want him. Leo bites his lip and takes a breath, like he’s trying to compose his thoughts.

“I want you to ride my cock,” he says, his voice breathy. “Would you do that?”

“Fuck. Yeah, that sounds good,” Blake says.

Leo picks up the condom from the bed and opens it while Blake grabs the lube and slips a finger inside himself. Blake loves the way Leo is watching him, the way his eyes are heavy and his breath is still ragged and his pale skin is flushed with arousal.

Blake finishes prepping himself and straddles Leo, placing his hands against Leo’s chest. Leo looks up at him and smiles. Blake still can’t entirely believe this is happening. It may not be the first time they’ve had sex, but it’s the first time Leo has looked at him like this, like Blake is the only thing in the world he wants.

Blake shifts his legs and lowers himself slowly onto Leo’s cock, moaning softly as he does. Leo has his eyes squeezed shut and is biting his lip and breathing hard. Blake sits fully down, his legs shaking slightly from pleasure. Leo opens his eyes and looks at Blake for a moment, taking everything in.

“God, this is so fucking hot,” Leo says, his voice barely above a whisper.

Blake starts to move up and down slowly, shifting his hips to get the right angle, groaning when he finds it. He places his hands on Leo’s chest to steady himself. Leo thrusts gently in time with Blake’s movements, gripping Blake’s hips and guiding him up and down. With every movement Blake feels himself coming more and more unwound. He wants this to last forever but he knows he’s close, and from the way Leo is breathing Blake can tell that he is too.

“Leo, touch me,” Blake moans.

Leo nods quickly and grabs Blake’s cock, pumping it in time with the rhythm of their movements. Blake feels like he could scream from the overwhelming pleasure but instead he digs his fingers into Leo’s skin and squeezes his eyes shut as he comes.

As he rides out his orgasm, he feels Leo tense up under him and his thrusts become faster and more erratic until he finally stops, clutching Blake’s hips so hard Blake wonders if he’ll have bruises tomorrow. He almost hopes he will. Blake rolls off of Leo and collapses next to him on the bed, his heart still racing.

After they both catch their breaths for a moment Blake turns to Leo.

“So, did that mean anything to you?” he asks with a playful smile.

“You’re such an asshole,” Leo mumbles, shifting closer to Blake and kissing his forehead.

“A lovable asshole,” Blake says. He curls up against Leo’s chest, feeling the warmth of the other boy’s skin against his. Leo wraps his arm around Blake.

“Is it alright if I spend the night?” Leo asks. Blake nods.

“Please,” he says.

Leo pulls Blake tighter against him, their legs intertwining. They lay there for a while, Blake listening to Leo’s heartbeat and breath. Leo has his hand on Blake’s head, stroking his hair softly. Blake wonders what this all means, for them, for their friendship, for the band, but he tries to push it out of his mind. He wants to live in this moment forever, in the afterglow, in the heat and smell of Leo, his breath slowing as he drifts off to sleep. Everything else can wait.

When Blake opens his eyes, Leo is already awake.

“Thank god you’re up. My arm is asleep,” Leo says, tugging his arm out from under Blake and shaking it.

“You know I’m a heavy sleeper,” Blake says. “You could’ve moved and not woken me up.”

“Yeah, but you looked so peaceful. I didn’t want to risk it.” Leo pauses for a moment, looking at Blake. “How are you feeling?” he asks.

“Great,” Blake replies, stretching his arms over his head. “How ‘bout you?”

“Pretty good. I forgot you’re just as much of an asshole when you’re asleep as when you’re awake though. You kept stealing the covers all night.” Blake laughs.

“I’m sorry,” he says with a smile. “But it is my bed.”

“Fair enough,” Leo says. “Also, it’s like eleven. I’m starving. Can we get some food?”

“Yeah. We probably have cereal or toast or something. I don’t know.”

Leo gets up and grabs his clothes from the floor. Blake stays in his bed, sheets pulled up around him, and watches as Leo gets dressed.

“Come on,” Leo says after he pulls his shirt on. “Get up.” Blake buries his head under the blankets.

“But I’m so comfy,” he whines.

Leo climbs back onto the bed and pulls the blankets away from Blake then leans in and kisses his head. Leo reaches over to Blake’s bedside table, grabs Blake’s glasses, and hands them to him. Blake sighs and puts them on before sitting up.

Blake gets up and walks over to his dresser. He suddenly feels self-conscious about Leo watching him. It’s an odd feeling, Blake is usually comfortable with his body and it’s not like this is the first time Leo is seeing him naked. But he wants desperately for Leo to find him attractive. He wonders what the other boy is thinking as he pulls his boxers on and rifles through his drawer for a t-shirt and pants.

“Ok, let’s go,” Blake says, trying to push his insecurities away. It’s Leo. His best friend. He shouldn’t be so worried around him suddenly.

They walk out of Blake’s room and down the stairs. They turn the corner to the kitchen and Blake freezes when he sees his dad sitting at the table with a cup of coffee.

“Morning Blake,” his dad says. “Leo.”

“Hello Mr. Sharpe,” Leo says.

“Did you spend the night?” Blake’s dad asks.

“I did,” Leo says.

“When did you get home?” Blake asks.

He’s terrified his dad might have heard them. He was almost positive the house was empty, but even the possibility makes his blood run cold.

“Not until late. You boys must have already been asleep.”

“Yeah, I didn’t hear you come in,” Blake says, relieved.

He walks over to the pantry and pulls it open, grabbing a box of cereal. Leo stands awkwardly while Blake pours each of them a bowl. Even though Leo has met Blake’s dad plenty of times, Blake can tell he’s still nervous around him. Blake sets the cereal bowls down at the table and sits down. Leo sits next to him.

“How have you been, Leo?” Blake’s dad asks. “I haven’t seen you here in a while.”

“Good,” Leo says between bites of cereal. “Just busy. I haven’t had much free time lately.”

They sit and finish their cereal in silence. Blake is on edge the entire time. He knows Leo won’t say anything about last night, but he’s worried that something he does will give it away. As soon as they’re finished with their cereal Blake grabs the bowls and puts them in the sink before walking out of the kitchen.

“Bye Mr. Sharpe,” Leo says as he follows Blake up the stairs. “Nice seeing you.”

They walk into Blake’s room and Blake slams the door shut.

“You alright?” Leo asks, noticing how nervous Blake looks.

“I’m fine. Just fucking terrified that he knows.”

“It didn’t seem like he thought anything was different than normal. And he said he got back late. I’m sure it’ll be fine.”

“Yeah, well, you don’t have to live with him,” Blake mutters. “I get enough shit as is. He would fucking kill me if he knew what we did.”

Leo pauses for a moment and looks at Blake, his face is sad.

“I’m sorry,” he says after a minute. Blake wrinkles his brow.

“For what?”

“That you have to deal with this. I mean, having someone tell you your whole life that you’re a bad person for something you can’t control. I know how hard it’s been for you.”

Blake bites his lip. He doesn’t know what to say. He looks at the ground.

“You know it’s not bad, right?” Leo asks. “I mean, there’s nothing wrong with it. There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Blake can’t help but notice that Leo doesn’t include himself in any part of what he’s saying.

“I wish I could believe that,” Blake says, his voice shaking slightly. “I really, really wish I could.”

Chapter Text

After that night, Blake and Leo sleep together again. And again. And again. Blake still can’t quite wrap his head around it, he isn’t sure if he really believes that Leo wants him, but he wants to take every possible chance he can to be with him. And Leo, while less openly enthusiastic, has yet to say no whenever Blake has asked.

And so they find themselves spending more and more afternoons tangled up together in Blake’s bed. During band practice or shows, Blake has to force himself to tear his eyes away from Leo, to stop thinking about the aching desire that seems to be constantly pulling at him now. He catches Leo staring at him too, and it makes his stomach flip to imagine what he might be thinking of.

But despite all of that, despite the sex and the looks and the sporadic desperate kiss when no one is watching, Blake knows it’s too good to be true. He knows that this doesn’t mean the same thing to Leo as it does to him. But if this is what he can have, he’ll take it. For as long as Leo will let him.

Blake is lying in his bed with Leo, looking at the other boy, watching the way his chest rises and falls, and trying not to overthink things yet again. Leo meets his eyes and smiles, then takes Blake’s hand in his and squeezes it lightly.

“You ok?” Leo asks.

Blake hesitates for a moment before speaking.

“Yeah.”

“You don’t seem ok,” Leo presses. “You can tell me if something’s wrong.”

Blake hadn’t realized that it was obvious that something was bothering him. He hesitates again, trying to decide what to say.

“You don’t touch me,” Blake says quietly.

“Hmm?” Leo says, confused.

“I mean, when we’re fucking, you don’t touch my cock unless I tell you to,” Blake clarifies. “Which is fine. I know you’re not… into that. I just….”

He lets his voice trail off, not sure what he wants to say. He feels a little bad even mentioning it because he knows it makes Leo uncomfortable, but it bothers him. It makes him feel unwanted. Like Leo would rather forget that he’s with Blake and not some girl.

“Oh,” Leo says. Blake can’t quite read his tone and Leo’s hesitation before speaking again makes him anxious. “I can… I can try to,” he finally says.

“It’s fine. You don’t have to. I don’t wanna make you uncomfortable.”

“It’s just, it’s different,” Leo says. “Ya know? It’s different and like, I’m not uncomfortable, it’s just not what I’m thinking about.”

Blake nods, but all he can hear is Leo telling him that he tries not to think about the fact that they’re both boys. That he knows it’s wrong and wishes it were different.

“I’m not a girl,” Blake says after a moment of silence.

“I know.”

“You can’t just pretend it’s the same. It’s not the same.”

“Yeah,” Leo says softly. “Yeah, I know.”

“Ok,” Blake replies. He doesn’t want to push things further. He doesn’t want to push Leo away.

Leo brushes his hand across Blake’s forehead and through his hair, then lets it rest against the back of his head. Blake meets his eyes for just a moment before looking away. They’re both still for a minute, then Leo pulls Blake closer and kisses him softly, like he’s unsure. Blake lets Leo hold him, barely moving.

***

Approximately six years earlier

“What happened to you?” Blake’s dad asks, barely glancing away from the newspaper in front of him.

“I tripped,” Blake says quietly.

“You tripped?” his dad says, putting the paper down. Blake nods quickly. His dad looks him over for a second before shaking his head. “No you didn’t. Why don’t you tell me the truth?”

Blake just looks at him for a moment, trying to decide what to do. He swallows hard.

“Some kid hit me,” he says.

“Why?” his dad asks. Blake stares at the floor.

“Because I hit him.”

“You shouldn’t be starting fights. I thought I raised you better than that.”

“He was saying stuff about me,” Blake says. “He’s always telling people things and I wanted him to stop.”

“What things?” his dad asks. Blake hesitates, not sure if he should tell him. “What things?” his dad repeats insistently.

“He said I’m a queer,” Blake says after a moment. He watches his dad’s face, trying to gauge his reaction. But he isn’t sure what he’s thinking.

“And do you know why he would say that?” his dad asks. His voice is just wavering on the edge of anger and it scares Blake.

“I don’t know,” Blake says quietly.

“Do you know what that means?”

“No.”

“Don’t let people call you that,” his dad says.

“What does it mean?” Blake asks, his voice shaky.

“It means gay, Blake. It means a man who lets other men have sex with him like a woman. Is that what you want?”

Blake just stares at him blankly. He knows the answer his dad wants, but his thoughts are going a million miles an hour and he can’t form a reply.

“Was he right to call you that?” his dad asks after a few seconds, his voice raised slightly. “Are you a queer?”

“No,” Blake says softly.

“Good.” His dad looks back down at his newspaper for a moment before turning back to Blake. “Go clean up your face,” he says. “We’ll eat in a few hours.”

“Ok.”

Blake turns away and walks up the stairs, trying not to focus too much on the dull throbbing in his head.

Blake tries to stop thinking about what his dad said, but he can’t. He stares at himself in the bathroom mirror, wincing as he wipes the dried blood off his mouth and nose with a wet cloth. It’s not the first time he’s gotten punched, but it’s the first time he’s ended up with more than a sore jaw or a bruise.

He walks to his room and lies down on his bed, staring up at the ceiling. Behind the pain in his head, he can hear his dad’s questions echoing in his mind. Was he right to call you that? Are you a queer?

After a while, Blake grabs his laptop and opens a private window. He tells himself that he’s only looking it up so he knows what exactly everyone is talking about. So he knows what it means to be gay, knows why it’s so wrong, so he can reassure himself that that’s not what he is.

His hands are shaking as he types and deep down he knows he should stop. He feels like he’s teetering on the edge of a cliff, about to fall into something he can never come back from. But he can’t stop thinking about it, so he hits the enter key.

He’d seen porn before, after accidentally clicking pop up ads or a few times when one of his friends had shown him something. But this, this is different. He clicks on a video and watches, his dad’s words playing over and over in his head until he slams the computer shut in disgust. Not disgust at the video, but disgust at himself for the way it makes him feel. He presses his palms against his eyes, his breath shaky as he tries not to cry.

Chapter Text

It’s five in the morning when Leo wakes up to his phone going off. He’s planning on ignoring it, but it goes off again a few seconds later, so he decides to check and see if it’s anything important.

It’s two texts from Cam, one that’s a link and another that says: please call me. His heart skips a beat. He just stares at his phone for a moment, trying to work up the nerve to click the link.

It takes a few seconds to load the article, from some site he’s never heard of before, but as soon as he sees the headline his heart sinks. He scrolls down, hoping that it’s just something speculative, just another bored journalist trying to create a story. And then he sees the picture.

He recognizes the outside of the bar, the jacket he was wearing that night. He remembers that exact moment, walking out after the show with Blake, laughing with him while he smoked, and then kissing him.

There’s another picture after the one of them kissing, of Blake leaning against the wall and Leo standing next to him. Even if the first photo isn’t the clearest, there’s no way to deny that it’s them in the second.

“No,” Leo says quietly. He presses his palms against his eyes. “No, no, no.”

He feels like he can’t breathe, like all the air has been ripped from his lungs and he’s drowning. He doesn’t bother reading the article, he already knows what it’s going to say and he doesn’t think he can stand to see the words right now.

He turns his phone off and just sits on his bed, the darkness of the room heavy around him. It all feels like a bad dream, like if he just waits he’ll wake up and none of this will be real. But after a few minutes he knows he can’t just ignore it forever. So he picks up his phone again and calls Cam.

“Hello?” Cam says, answering on the first ring.

“It’s Leo.”

“You saw the article I sent you?” Cam asks. Leo tries to tell from his tone of voice what he’s thinking, but he can’t.

“Yeah,” Leo replies.

He knows Cam wants him to say more, but he doesn’t. There’s a few seconds of silence before Cam speaks again.

“Do you want to explain yourself?” he asks. He doesn’t sound upset, although Leo assumes he probably is, just tired.

“How did someone take a picture?” Leo says. “No one was there. I didn’t think anyone was there.”

“Leo,” Cam says with a sigh. “Can you please just tell me what’s going on? Because I’ve gotten several calls asking for a comment and I have no fucking idea what to tell anyone.”

“I don’t know,” Leo says softly.

“You don’t know? You haven’t got any idea where this picture of you and Blake kissing came from? I don’t think anyone’s gonna buy that.”

“I just…” Leo says, trying not to cry. “I can’t explain it. I can’t.”

“Is this an ongoing thing?” Cam asks. “Have you two been… involved?”

“I don’t know.”

“It’s a yes or no question, Leo.”

Leo is quiet for a moment. He knows the answer. Of course he knows the answer. But he doesn’t want to say it.

"Yes,” Leo says quietly.

Cam doesn’t immediately respond and Leo feels panic rising in his chest.

“Ok,” Cam finally says. “The best thing you can do right now is not talk to anyone about this. Don’t post anything online, don’t respond to any questions, don’t tell anyone anything. I’m going to call some people and try and get things figured out as much as I can.”

“What about Blake?” Leo asks.

“I haven’t heard anything from him. But I’m going to tell him the exact same thing. We want to be as in control of the information around this as we can be so we can decide how to move forward. I’ll contact you later so we can figure out a statement, alright?”

“Ok,” Leo says.

It worries him that Cam hasn’t heard from Blake, even if it’s probably just because he’s still asleep. As bad as this is for him, he knows the fallout for Blake will be much worse, and all he wants is to talk to him, to know that he’s ok.

“I also need to notify Alec and Finn,” Cam says. “It’s up to you and Blake how much you want to tell them, but they need to know they might get questions.”

“Ok.”

Leo hates the idea of them knowing, although he supposes it wouldn’t be long before someone sent them the picture anyway. Mostly he doesn’t want Finn to know, he doesn’t want to think about how he’ll feel, how hurt or confused or upset he’ll be.

“Text or call if you need anything,” Cam says. “I’ll be in touch.”

“Ok,” Leo says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

Leo keeps the phone to his ear until he hears beeping. He exhales shakily as he lowers the phone, trying not to cry, but he can’t stop the tears rolling down his cheeks. A few minutes later he hears a knock on his door.

“Leo?” his mom says. “Are you ok?”

Leo is quiet for a moment, trying to decide what to do. He doesn’t want to talk to her, doesn’t want her to know any of this, but he also knows that it won’t be long before she finds out anyway. He decides its better if she hears it all from him rather than secondhand.

He gets up from his bed and turns on his lamp, flooding the room with warm light. He walks over to the door and opens it. His mom is there in her pajamas, a concerned look on her face that only gets more concerned when she sees that Leo has been crying.

“Can you get dad?” Leo says. “I need to tell you something.”

“Is everything alright?” his mom asks. He just stares at her for a moment without responding. “I’ll go get him,” she says.

Leo nods and walks back to his bed to sit down. He feels numb. When his parents come back into his room they both look worried and he feels guilty. His mom sits on the bed and his dad stands next to them.

“What’s going on?” his mom asks, her voice soft. “We heard you on the phone. You sounded upset.”

“Yeah,” Leo says. “Um, I was talking to Cam. There was… there’s a news article. A tabloid article. About us. About me and, and Blake.”

He pauses, trying to gauge their reactions, but they both just look at him, waiting for him to say something else.

“And usually, usually this stuff is dumb, ya know? And I wouldn’t even tell you. Because people like to make things up and say stuff that isn’t true. But you’re gonna hear about it. So I’d rather, I’d rather you hear about it from me.”

“Did something happen?” his mom asks. “Because we can-“

“Let him tell us,” his dad says, cutting her off. Leo takes a deep breath.

“There’s a picture,” Leo says. “Someone, someone took a picture.”

“A picture of what?” his dad asks after Leo doesn’t say anything for a few moments. Leo just shakes his head. “Leo, a picture of what?” his dad repeats, his voice louder.

“I can’t…” Leo says, blinking back tears. “Just, just look up my name. You’ll find it.”

“Do you have your phone?” his dad asks his mom.

“No, it’s charging,” she says. “Leo, can you just tell us, honey?”

Leo shakes his head. He knows he should, but he can’t make himself say the words out loud.

“I’ll be back,” his dad says, walking out of the room.

Leo and his mom sit in heavy silence for the minute or two it takes for his dad to get back. Leo can’t stop his hands from shaking.

His dad walks back into the room with his phone and sits down next to his mom on the bed. Leo can hear his heart pounding in his ears while his dad types on his phone. Leo stares at the ground, too anxious to watch his parents’ faces.

“Leo,” his dad says after a long, suffocating silence. “Please tell me this isn’t what it looks like.”

Leo is quiet for a moment, tears falling down his cheeks. He wipes his eyes hard with his palms.

“I’m so sorry,” he says, his voice breaking.

“Oh god,” his mom says, burying her head in her hands.

“You weren’t supposed to find out like this,” Leo says.

“Find out what?” his dad says. “That my son is….” He hesitates for a moment, stumbling over his words. “That my son is gay?”

“I’m not gay,” Leo says quietly. “It’s just, I don’t know how to explain it. It’s like, with him it doesn’t matter. It’s different.”

“I knew he was a bad influence,” his dad says angrily. “We shouldn’t have let you spend so much time with him.”

“He’s not a bad influence,” Leo says. “He’s my friend. My best friend.”

“Your best friend who you’re sleeping with?” his dad retorts.

Leo feels like he’s been punched in the chest. He knows both of his parents are waiting for him to deny it, to say that he hasn’t slept with Blake. But he doesn’t. He can’t. His mom starts crying even harder than before.

“I don’t want you seeing him anymore,” his dad says harshly.

Leo is too overwhelmed to think of anything to say to that, so he just sits on the bed, staring blankly at the floor in front of him.

Chapter Text

Blake wakes up to his phone dinging. He grabs it off his bedside table, glancing at the time; it’s only five am. The text is from Cam, some link to something. Blake silences his phone and turns it over so the screen is facing down, then goes back to bed.

A few hours later, Blake is woken up again when his dad bursts into his room. The sound of the door swinging open startles him and he sits up groggily.

“What the fuck is this?” his dad yells, walking over to Blake’s bed, holding his phone out to Blake.

Blake squints at the screen, not quite able to see without his glasses. Once he makes out the image his blood runs cold. It’s a picture of him and Leo. Kissing. He remembers that night, only a few days ago. They had just finished a show and were out back so Blake could smoke when Leo kissed him. He had never even thought someone might have seen them, let alone taken a photo.

“Where did you get that?” Blake asks, scrambling for something to say to defend himself.

“One of my friends sent it to me. Said his daughter saw it online and he figured I’d want to know,” his dad says, disgust in his voice.

Blake clenches his fists, trying to stay calm. He knows he can’t deny it, not with the picture right there, but he has to say something.

“I-“ Blake starts, but he’s cut off immediately.

“I don’t want to hear it,” his dad says. “I always knew you were a fucking faggot. Get the hell out of my house.”

“Dad,” Blake says pleadingly.

“I’m going to work. When I get back you better be gone,” his dad says before walking out and slamming Blake’s door shut behind him.

Blake swings his legs over the side of his bed and rests his head in his hands, staring vacantly at the floor. He stays like that for a minute before putting his glasses on and grabbing his phone. As soon as he turns it on he sees all the notifications pop up on his screen. Missed calls, voicemails, dozens and dozens of texts. He holds the power button down and shuts it off.

He walks over to his dresser and pulls out clothes. His whole body feels numb. As he’s pulling his jeans on he feels tears starting to form in his eyes and he angrily swipes them away.

He grabs his suitcase from under his bed and flings it open, rifling through his drawers and shoving clothes and anything else he can think of into it. After the suitcase is filled up, he grabs the instruments hanging on his walls and puts them into their cases before shoving his wallet and keys into his pockets and hauling everything down the stairs and out to his car.

He isn’t sure if his dad will change his mind, but he doesn’t want to stick around to find out. His hands are shaking so hard he can barely start his car. He turns the radio on and cranks the volume up so loud it almost hurts his ears and drives.

He isn’t quite sure where he’s going until he pulls up in front of Alec’s apartment building. He supposes it’s the only place that makes sense to go. He can’t very well show up at Leo’s house right now. He parks on the street, walks up to the door, and presses the call button.

“Hello?” Alec’s voice says, sounding tinny through the small speaker.

“It’s Blake,” Blake says.

“Thank god. I’ll be right down,” Alec says.

The speaker clicks off and Blake waits for a few minutes before Alec opens the door to the building. He’s in his pajamas and looks like he either just woke up or never really went to sleep.

“Everyone is worried sick about you,” Alec says as they walk over to the elevator. “Cam’s been trying to call you for hours and I’ve been on the phone with Leo all morning.” They get in the elevator and Alec presses the button for his floor.

“I just got kicked out of my house,” Blake says, his voice empty. Alec looks at him with wide eyes.

“Shit, really?” he asks. Blake nods. “You wanna stay with me?”

“If you’ll let me,” Blake says. “Just until I can get my own place.”

“I’m really sorry,” Alec says, placing a hand on Blake’s shoulder. “Stay as long as you need, yeah?”

The elevator dings and the doors slide open. They walk out into the hall and past a few doors until they reach Alec’s apartment. He opens the door and they walk in. Blake sits down on the couch.

“Can I get you anything?” Alec asks. “Food? Something to drink?” Blake shakes his head.

“Not right now,” he says. “I just need a minute.”

“Yeah, alright,” Alec says. “I’m gonna let everyone know you’re ok.” He looks at Blake for a second. “Well, that you’re here.” Blake nods and Alec grabs his phone and starts typing out messages.

“Are you ok if Leo and Finn come over?” Alec asks after a minute.

“Yeah, sure,” Blake says. Alec nods and types some more before putting his phone away and sitting next to Blake.

“So,” he says. “You wanna talk or nah?”

“I don’t know,” Blake says. “I just… fuck.” Alec laughs. “I don’t know what to do,” Blake continues. “Like obviously my dad’s pissed. Emily’s gonna kill me. Who the hell knows what’s gonna happen with me and Leo. I’m sure Cam’s not pleased about the whole situation. And Finn’s probably upset too. It’s all just fucked.”

“I’m not upset, if you were worried about that,” Alec says. “Surprised and a bit confused, but not upset.”

“Thanks,” Blake says. “That actually means a lot. You might be the only person who’s not mad at me right now.”

“You don’t have to answer this if you don’t want, but how long has this been going on?” Alec asks. “I’m just curious.”

“I don’t even know,” Blake says after a minute. “It’s complicated.”

“Ok,” Alec says.

He doesn’t push it any further. Instead, they just sit quietly for a while until Alec’s phone buzzes. He pulls it out of his pocket and answers it.

“Hello?” he says. “Yeah, I’ll buzz you in.” He hangs up and turns to Blake. “It’s Leo.” Blake feels his stomach clench. He desperately wants to see Leo, but he’s terrified of what might happen.

Alec walks over to the wall and presses a button to open the door downstairs for Leo then sits back down. A few minutes later there’s a knock on the door and Alec answers it. As soon as Blake sees Leo he bursts into tears. Leo immediately walks over to where Blake is sitting and wraps his arms around him.

“I’m so sorry,” Leo says. Blake hugs Leo tighter, digging his fingers into Leo’s back. “Alec told me what happened. I don’t even know what to say,” Leo says.

Blake wants to reply but he’s crying too hard to say anything. Leo just holds him for a while, patting his back gently, until Alec’s phone rings again. Alec answers and Blake wipes his eyes while Alec buzzes Finn in. By the time Finn comes up to the apartment, Blake has himself somewhat composed again, even though he knows it’s obvious he’s been crying.

“Hey,” Finn says, standing awkwardly by the door. Alec walks off into his kitchen, giving the three of them some space.

“Hey,” Blake replies, suddenly very aware of the fact that Leo has his hand resting on his leg. He knows that nothing between him and Finn was ever official or exclusive, but he knows Finn must be hurt by all of this. Finn walks over and sits in a chair across from Blake and Leo.

“Alec said you got kicked out,” Finn says.

“Yeah,” Blake says.

“That’s awful, I’m sorry,” Finn says.

“I’ll be ok,” Blake says. “I’m gonna stay with Alec until I can get a place. And I have money saved up.”

“Still,” Finn says. They sit in silence for a minute, no one quite sure what to say. Blake is sure Finn has a million questions he wants to ask, but he doesn’t think he’s ready to answer them, so he turns to Leo instead.

“How did your parents react?” Blake asks. Leo takes a deep breath.

“Not great,” he says. “I mean, not as bad as your dad obviously, but yeah, they’re not happy. I had a hell of a time even getting here; they don’t want me seeing you at all. They weren’t exactly angry I guess, mostly my mom just cried a lot. I don’t know.”

“That sounds really rough,” Finn says.

“Yeah, not exactly how I had hoped it would go,” Leo replies.

Blake wonders if Leo had ever thought about telling his parents. He had never even considered coming out to his dad, he knew this is what would happen. But maybe for Leo it had been different. Maybe that made all of this even more painful for him.

“Did your parents say anything?” Blake asks Finn.

“No,” Finn says. “I can tell they saw it though. They were awkward around me all morning. My brother told me he overheard them talking too, something about how they were at least glad it wasn’t me.” Blake grimaces.

“That must’ve been tough to hear,” Blake says. “I mean, since, you know….” His voice trails off. He knows that Leo knows about him and Finn, but he’s still not comfortable saying it in front of him.

“Yeah,” Finn says.

No one is sure what else to say, so they just sit quietly. After a few minutes Alec comes out into the living room from the kitchen.

“How’s everyone doing?” he asks. No one says anything. Alec sighs. “Yeah, that seems about right. I talked with Cam, he said he’s gonna try and come over later this afternoon. He’s pretty busy doing damage control right now, but he wants to talk to all of us, see what we want our official statement to be or whatever.”

“Can our official statement be ‘no comment’?” Leo asks.

“Yeah, I don’t think I have anything to say,” Blake says. Alec shrugs.

“It’s not my call,” he says. He walks over and sits on the arm of the couch next to Blake. “You guys want anything? Food? Water? Alcohol?”

“What kind of food do you have?” Blake asks.

“Umm, I’m not sure. You can come look. I mean, you are going to be living here, so I can show you where stuff is,” Alec says. Blake nods and follows him to the kitchen.

“Sorry the whole place is a bit of a mess,” Alec says, motioning to the dishes in the sink. “Didn’t know I’d be having company.”

“Do you really think I care?” Blake asks.

“Good point,” Alec says. “So, dishes are here.” He pulls open a cabinet. “And cups are the next one over. Silverware is in that drawer. Pots and pans are next to the oven. Food is here.” He points to another cabinet. “And in the fridge of course. I don’t think there’s much. I need to go grocery shopping.”

Blake opens the cabinet. There’s only a few things, pasta, a box of cereal, and some canned soup. He walks over to the fridge and finds it in a similar state of emptiness, two eggs, a half empty milk jug, and a few condiments.

“Do you live exclusively on cereal and alcohol?” Blake asks.

“I said I need to go shopping,” Alec says defensively.

“I’m coming with you. We’re getting some fucking vegetables or something,” Blake says. Alec rolls his eyes.

Chapter Text

After they meet with Cam, Finn goes home and Alec goes to his room, leaving Blake and Leo alone in the living room. For a while, they don’t say anything. Blake finally turns his phone back on and is trying to wade through all of his messages, mostly just ignoring or deleting things.

“Hey,” Leo says softly after a few minutes. “Can we talk? About everything?”

“Yeah, I think that would be good,” Blake replies.

“You wanna go drive around for a bit? Leave Alec alone?”

“Ok. But can you drive?” Blake asks.

“Sure.”

Blake gets up and walks over to the door to Alec’s room and knocks.

“Yeah?” Alec says. Blake cracks the door open slightly.

“I’m leaving for a bit,” Blake says.

“Ok, you want the building passcode so I don’t have to buzz you in?” Alec asks.

“That would be good.”

“I’ll text it to you,” Alec says. “I have a spare key somewhere, but I’ll have to look for it. You can leave the door unlocked for now though, since I’ll be here.”

“Ok, sounds good. See you later.”

Alec nods and Blake closes the door. Leo stands up and the two of them walk to the front door. They both stay quiet until they’re out of the building and in Leo’s car.

“Music?” Leo asks as he starts the engine.

“Radio is fine,” Blake says. “But quiet.”

Leo nods and turns the volume down before switching to the radio. He clicks through a few stations of muffled ads before finding one that’s playing music. Blake waits until Leo pulls out of the parking space before saying anything.

“It’s been a crazy day, huh?” Blake says.

“Yeah,” Leo replies.

“Thanks for staying with me.”

“I didn’t want to just leave you,” Leo says. “And to be honest, I’m not particularly excited to go home tonight.”

“Do you think things are gonna be ok? With your parents, I mean,” Blake asks.

“I don’t know,” Leo says softly. “I hope so. Maybe they just need some time.”

“Yeah.”

They’re both quiet for a few minutes, not sure what to say. Blake can think of a million questions he wants to ask and a million things he wants to tell Leo, but he’s terrified of saying the wrong thing.

“I would understand if you wanted to go back to just being friends,” Blake finally says. “I know this isn’t how you wanted things to turn out.”

“Is that what you want?” Leo asks. “To just be friends?” His voice is purposefully detached, not giving Blake any hint of what he’s thinking. Blake swallows hard, trying to decide what to say.

“No,” he says after a moment.

Leo doesn’t reply right away, keeping all of his focus on the road in front of him. Blake doesn’t know if he should keep talking or not, but he can’t bring himself to say anything else.

“Me neither,” Leo finally says.

Blake nods, relieved. He had assumed that this would be the end of whatever was going on between them. It seemed like far too much to ask for Leo to deal with all of this, especially because Blake assumed this whole thing wasn’t particularly serious for Leo. But maybe he had been wrong about that.

“Is that ok?” Leo asks uncertainly after a few moments of silence.

“Yeah,” Blake says. “It’s good. I’m just surprised.” Leo tilts his head slightly.

“Why?”

“I mean, I figured this was just about sex for you. And that you wouldn’t want to deal with all of this shit just to keep fucking me.”

“Well, I don’t think that’s the phrasing I would have used to describe our relationship,” Leo says, stumbling a bit over the last word, like he’s not sure if relationship is the right term. “Is that really what you thought?”

“I told you I had feelings for you, and you told me I was a good kisser,” Blake says, trying not to sound bitter. “What the hell was I supposed to think, Leo?” Leo winces slightly.

“I was… working things out,” Leo says. “Honestly, I still am. But you’re my best friend, Blake. I don’t know if it would even be possible for me to not have at least some emotional investment in all of this.”

Blake hasn’t been paying attention to where they’re going, so he’s surprised when Leo pulls over. He doesn’t quite recognize where they are, but he can tell they’re fairly far off the main roads.

“Look, I don’t know how this is gonna work,” Leo says, turning to face Blake. “I think it might be stupid to keep doing this. But if you’re willing to keep trying, I am too.”

Blake nods, biting his lip. He can feel tears welling up in his eyes and he looks away from Leo to try and hide it.

“Are you ok?” Leo asks, placing his hand on Blake’s arm. “Did I say something wrong?” Blake shakes his head.

“No,” he says, wiping his eyes with his shirtsleeve. “I’m just so fucking overwhelmed. Everything has been going wrong and this is the only thing that’s ok right now, and I don’t know what to do.”

“Come here,” Leo says, leaning over the console and wrapping his arms around Blake. “I wanna tell you that everything is gonna be ok, but I don’t think I can make that kind of promise right now. But I can promise that I’m gonna be here for you, no matter what, ok?”

***

Even though it was one of the last things he wanted to do, Blake had texted Emily and asked her if she would come over to Alec’s apartment to talk. He had expected her to be angry, to yell at him or refuse to even talk to him, but now, sitting across from him, her expression is almost blank.

“I don’t even know where to start,” Emily says.

“Yeah,” Blake says. They sit awkwardly for a few moments, not looking at one another.

“So, you just weren’t going to tell me?” Emily finally says.

“Christ, Em, what was I supposed to say?”

“I don’t know, Blake. But I shouldn’t have had to find out like this. I know this has been awful for you, but it’s been hell for me too. All my friends texting me ‘oh look we saw a picture of your boyfriend kissing his best mate.’ I shouldn’t be finding out things about my own relationship from fucking tabloids.”

“I know,” Blake says. “I’m sorry this is how it happened.”

“Can you just be honest with me now? I think I deserve that much from you,” Emily says.

Blake nods. He knows it would be easier to lie his way out of this whole situation, but he can’t bear to hurt Emily any more than he already has.

“How long has this been going on?” she asks. Blake takes a deep breath.

“It’s been complicated,” he says. “That’s part of why I didn’t tell you. I didn’t know what exactly it was.”

“Blake, how long?” Emily asks again.

Blake thinks about it. When did it start? The first time they kissed? The first time they slept together? When he admitted his feelings to Leo? He doesn’t know.

“A few months,” he finally says.

“Jesus,” Emily says. “Did you, did you have sex?” Blake winces.

“Yeah,” he says softly, looking down at the floor. Emily buries her face in her hands, but Blake can tell she’s crying. “I’m so sorry Em,” he says.

“Don’t fucking say that,” she says, her voice choked. She puts her hands down and Blake can see the tears streaming from her eyes. “How could you?”

Blake wants to argue, wants to ask why it’s ok for him to sleep with other girls but not Leo. But he already knows the answer.

“I don’t know what to say,” he says. “I don’t think there’s anything I can say.”

“Was it all a fucking lie?” Emily asks, still crying. “Nearly three years together? Did it mean anything to you?”

“I love you,” Blake says.

“How can you say that? How can you say that after all of this?”

“Because it’s true. Because I love you and I know you don’t believe me, but it’s true. I never wanted to hurt you like this.”

“Do you love him?” Emily asks.

“Em…” Blake says, tears forming in his eyes.

“Do you love him, Blake?” she asks again, her voice shaking. Blake looks away.

“Yes,” he says, so soft that he’s not sure she can hear him.

“God, Blake,” she says. “What the hell am I supposed to do? I can’t keep doing this. I love you so fucking much, but I can’t keep doing this.”

Blake feels tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I know. I’m so, so sorry,” he says.

“I think,” she says, taking a deep breath, “we need to take a break.”

“Ok.” He doesn’t know what else to say. He can’t expect her to stay with him, not after this.

“Goodbye, Blake. I’m sorry,” Emily says.

“I love you,” Blake replies softly, and even though he desperately wants to, he doesn’t say anything else as she gets up and walks out of the apartment.

Chapter Text

As he’s leaving to go to the store, Alec holds the elevator door open and waits for his neighbor to get in. She’s an older woman who he’s talked to on occasion, but he can never remember her name.

“How are you doing today, Alec?” she asks.

“Good,” Alec replies. She always tries to make small talk with him whenever they ride the elevator together, but he never knows what to say.

“I met Blake yesterday morning,” she says. “Very charming young man.”

“Oh, uh, yeah,” Alec says. “He’s staying with me for a bit.”

“That’s lovely,” she says with a broad smile. She’s quiet for a moment, waiting to see if Alec will say anything else before she talks again. “You know, living with someone else can be a big change,” she says. “I remember when my ex-husband and I first moved in together. We must have argued for a week straight.” She laughs softly. “But you two seem to get along well. I’m sure things will work out wonderfully.”

“Oh,” Alec says, realizing after a moment what she’s implying. “We’re not… we’re just friends.” He can feel his face getting warm and he hopes he’s not visibly blushing.

“You don’t have to say that,” she says. “I’m not one of those old-fashioned people who would judge you.”

Alec wants to tell her again that they’re just friends, but she seems well intentioned and he doesn’t really want to have this conversation with her for any longer than strictly necessary, so he just nods.

“Well, um, thank you,” he says.

“Of course, dear. It’s nice to see you’ve found someone. And he seems like a wonderful boy.” She pauses for a moment. “If you two ever need anything, I’m just down the hall.”

“Thanks,” Alec mumbles.

The elevator finally comes to a stop on the ground floor and the door slides open. Alec quickly walks out of the building, hoping that he won’t run into her again on the way home.

Blake is sitting on the couch scrolling through his phone when Alec comes through the front door. He walks into the kitchen to set down some grocery bags before coming back to the living room and sitting on the chair across from Blake.

“Hey,” Blake says. “You get groceries?”

“Yeah,” Alec replies. They’re both quiet for a few moments.

“Everything good?” Blake asks.

“Yeah, yeah. I just ran into my neighbor on the way out. She said she met you yesterday and now she thinks the two of us are dating or some shit.”

“Oh, Susan?” Blake asks. “She seemed nice.” Alec stares at him for a few seconds.

“Why would she assume we were together? Jesus.”

“I’m living in your apartment, you know,” Blake says. “It’s not that far-fetched of her to assume that.”

“I guess,” Alec says, but he sounds annoyed.

“Is it really that offensive to you that someone would think we were dating?”

“It’s just weird,” Alec says. He pauses for a moment. “I know you might not care but… I’m not gay, Blake. Is it so wrong for me to not want people thinking I am?”

“She must be over fifty,” Blake says. “I doubt she knows who we are. It’s not like she’s gonna go to the press about it or anything.”

“I don’t care about that. I just don’t want my neighbor making assumptions about my sex life, ok?”

“Yeah, well I don’t want thousands of random strangers making assumptions about mine, but we can’t always get what we fucking want,” Blake says. It comes out much harsher than he means it to, but he’s too annoyed to apologize. Alec is silent for a while.

“You’re actually sleeping with him though,” Alec says. “It’s different.”

“God, Alec, I already got kicked out of my fucking house over this. Can you just leave me the fuck alone?”

“Fine,” Alec says. He gets up and walks into the kitchen for a moment, then comes back holding an unopened bottle of vodka. “I’m going to my room. Let me know if you need anything.”

“Alec, wait, don’t go, I’m sorry,” Blake says as Alec walks away toward his bedroom. But Alec ignores him, slamming the door shut behind him.

***

Alec is asleep when Blake opens the door to his room. He barely reacts, choosing to pull his sheet over his head rather than actually acknowledge Blake. He hears the bathroom door open and close and then a minute later the shower turns on.

Alec thinks maybe he should get up, or at least check what time it is. Maybe have a drink so he doesn’t feel quite as bad when he gets up later. But he’s tired, so he doesn’t. He just stays in bed, halfway between asleep and awake, listening to the water running on the other side of the wall.

He’s almost asleep again when he hears Blake moan. The sound is slightly muffled by the wall and the shower, but it’s still loud enough that he can tell exactly what’s happening. Blake moans again, longer this time, and Alec feels his cock twitch in his boxers.

He can picture Blake, standing under the water, naked and hard, stroking himself. Alec isn’t surprised, he imagines Blake is the kind of person who jerks off regularly, and the shower seems like a reasonable place to do it given the circumstances, but he doubts Blake is aware of just how thin the walls are.

Alec tries to ignore it, as much as he can without getting out of bed, but it’s impossible. Maybe if it was just the sounds it would be fine, he’d dealt with his sister blasting annoying music or his parents making noise in the kitchen every morning for years. But it’s not just that. It’s the fact that every moan seems to go straight to his cock.

He keeps imagining Blake touching himself and he wonders what he’s thinking about. Alec wonders if he sounds like this in bed, if he would sound like this if Alec were the one touching him. He tries to push that thought away as soon as it crosses his mind. He’s not attracted to Blake. He’s not attracted to men. But he can’t stop thinking about it.

The sounds Blake is making get louder and more desperate and Alec finds himself palming his cock through his boxers. He knows he shouldn’t, but it feels too good to stop. He slips his hand under the fabric and starts to stroke himself, stifling his own moans as he does.

Alec tries to think about other things as he continues to touch himself, about past hookups or porn or anything other than Blake. But his mind keeps going back to it. He imagines Blake walking out of the bathroom, imagines pinning Blake against the wall and taking him from behind, imagines Blake making those desperate sounds with his cock buried inside him.

Alec comes before Blake does, or at least he’s fairly certain based on what he can hear. He lies there, panting, for a moment before wiping his hand on his sheets and burying his face in his pillow.

“Fuck,” he mumbles under his breath.

He tries not to think about what he just did, tries to ignore the vague sense of guilt creeping up on him. He hears Blake cry out on the other side of the wall, probably as he finishes, and he hates that it sends another wave of arousal through him. The shower stays on for a few more minutes, but Alec can’t hear anything except for the water.

Chapter Text

“Do you mind if Leo comes over for a bit?” Blake asks.

“That’s fine,” Alec says.

“Ok, um, I was just hoping the two of us could maybe have some time together… alone.”

“Please don’t fuck on my couch,” Alec says with a sigh.

“We haven’t gotten to be alone together in almost two weeks,” Blake says. “And obviously I haven’t seen Emily. I’m going crazy, Alec.”

“I don’t give a shit, I still don’t want you having sex on my couch,” Alec replies. “Go fuck in your car if you wanna do it so bad.”

“Fine,” Blake says, annoyed. “Maybe we will.”

“Hey Alec,” Leo says as he hangs his coat up by the door.

“Hey,” Alec says. He’s standing a bit awkwardly just outside the door to his room. “So, um, I’m mostly gonna be in my room so you two can have some time together, but I just wanted to ask you something. I already talked to Blake about this, but, uh, I would really appreciate it if you didn’t have sex in my apartment.”

“Oh, yeah, of course, no problem,” Leo says.

“Thanks,” Alec says. He looks at Blake and raises his eyebrows. “At least Leo can be fucking reasonable about it,” he says.

Blake rolls his eyes and Alec walks into his room, closing the door behind him.

“Did you really try and argue with Alec about having sex here?” Leo asks.

“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal if we do,” Blake replies.

“I dunno, I think it would be uncomfortable knowing your friends had sex on your couch every time you sat there,” Leo says. “And honestly, I’d feel a bit weird doing it with Alec in the other room, even if he said he was ok with it.”

“Yeah, well we haven’t got anywhere else to go,” Blake says. “Unless you want to have sex in one of our cars. Which I’m definitely not opposed to….”

“I’m not doing that.”

“Why not?” Blake asks, slightly annoyed. “I know you’ve done it before.”

“Look,” Leo says. “It’s not that I don’t want to or I wouldn’t ever do it, it’s just, what if someone sees us, ya know?”

“We’d go somewhere far away, no one would be there.”

“I can’t. I’m sorry. I know it’d probably be fine but if it wasn’t… it would be an absolute mess. And things have just started dying down with all the media shit. I can’t take that chance.”

“Ok,” Blake says, clearly disappointed.

They’re both quiet for a few moments before Leo decides to change the subject.

“How’s the apartment search going?” he asks.

“Alright I guess,” Blake replies. “I don’t know though. I thought I would like being able to live alone, but now that I’ll actually have to do it, it seems like a lot.”

“Yeah, I get that.”

“Your birthday is in, what, like two weeks?” Blake asks.

“Little less than that, yeah,” Leo says.

“You could move in with me,” Blake says. “I could look for two-bedroom places.” He pauses. “Or one-bedroom places.”

“Blake, my parents would kill me,” Leo says.

“You’ll be eighteen,” Blake replies. “Plus we have enough money, you don’t need to worry about them.” Leo smiles sadly and shakes his head.

“I don’t want to just sever ties completely with them. They’re not perfect but they’re not bad people,” Leo says. “They’re my family.”

“Ok,” Blake says, trying not to let Leo see how disappointed he is.

“But I’ll come visit you a lot,” Leo says. “Like all the time. And since you won’t be living with Alec anymore, we can, ya know….” His voice trails off. Blake smiles.

“I’m gonna hold you to that,” Blake says.

“Good,” Leo says with a smile.

They just look at each other for a minute, then Blake leans in and kisses Leo. Leo kisses him back and Blake realizes that this is the first time they’ve kissed since the photo of them was taken. They’d seen each other several times since then, but it had never felt right to do this. They’d both been too on edge and too caught up in everything that was going on. After just a few moments, Leo pulls away.

“Alec said…” Leo says, slightly out of breath.

“It was just a kiss,” Blake replies.

“I know,” Leo says. “But if you kiss me like that again, I’m not gonna want to stop.”

Blake whimpers slightly and digs his nails into his hand. He can feel his cock getting hard just thinking about what could happen between them. Leo places his hand on Blake’s knee and even the small amount of touch is overwhelming.

“I want you so bad,” Blake says, his voice barely above a whisper.

“Soon, ok?” Leo says, rubbing his thumb against Blake’s leg.

“I know we can’t do more, but can I at least kiss you?” Blake says. “Please?”

Leo hesitates for a moment, he doesn’t honestly believe that Blake will just kiss him and stop there, but it’s hard to say no with Blake looking at him so desperately. So he nods.

Blake places his palm against the back of Leo’s neck and pulls him close to kiss him. Leo rests his hand on Blake’s back and Blake sighs softly, melting into Leo’s touch. Blake had forgotten how much he enjoyed kissing Leo, how perfectly he seems to respond to Blake’s movements, how everything he does is somehow both gentle and intensely passionate.

Blake shifts slightly, trying to get as close as he possibly can to Leo, and Leo grabs his waist and pulls him onto his lap. Blake can feel that Leo is hard and he moans softly, grinding against him. Leo grips Blake’s waist even tighter. Blake runs his hands across Leo’s back before pulling the edge of his shirt up, but Leo pulls away slightly.

“Blake,” Leo says, panting. “Don’t.”

“Sorry,” Blake says softly. He stares at Leo for a few moments, his eyes tracing the features of his face. “You’re just so fucking hot, I can’t help it.”

Leo smiles, almost laughing, and shakes his head slightly before kissing Blake again, lying back onto the couch and pulling Blake on top of him. Blake eagerly kisses back, placing a hand under Leo’s chin to angle his head just right.

After a few minutes, Blake hears the door to Alec’s room open and pulls away from Leo, sitting up abruptly. Leo props himself up on his elbows and looks at the door, slightly panicked.

“I swear to god,” Alec says, walking into the living room and taking in the scene in front of him. “You better not be fucking on my goddamn couch.”

“We’re not,” Blake says, holding his hands up.

“Yeah, well you look like you’re about two minutes away from it,” Alec replies.

He shakes his head and walks past them into the kitchen. Blake and Leo stay frozen in place. After a few moments, Alec walks back, holding a cup. He only briefly glances at them before walking back to his room.

“Keep your fucking pants on,” he says, slamming the door shut behind him.

“We should stop,” Leo says after a few seconds of silence.

“Mmmhmm,” Blake mumbles, leaning down and kissing Leo.

Blake knows that Leo is probably right, that they should stop, but he’s too caught up in the moment, in how good it feels to have Leo there, to be able to kiss and touch him. And Leo doesn’t stop him or say anything else, instead he just kisses him back without hesitation.

Once he’s sure Leo isn’t going to tell him to stop again, Blake presses his hips against him, aching for some kind of friction. Leo presses back into him and Blake feels like his head is spinning. After a moment, Leo slides a hand between them and gently palms Blake’s cock through his jeans.

“Oh fuck,” Blake moans, breaking away from their kiss.

“Shhh,” Leo says. “Quiet.” Blake can tell by the way he says it that he’s smiling.

Blake nods quickly and buries his head between Leo’s neck and shoulder. Leo slides his free hand up the back of Blake’s shirt, tracing his fingers across his back, and Blake feels like his skin is electric wherever Leo touches him.

Blake knows that he should tell Leo to stop, knows that he’s close and he won’t be able to hold out much longer if they keep going. But he doesn’t. It’s been nearly two weeks with nothing but his own hand and as much as he knows this is a bad idea, he can’t bring himself to stop.

He keeps pressing into Leo’s hand, his head buried against Leo’s body to muffle the sounds he can’t help but make. It doesn’t take long for him to come, squeezing Leo’s arm tightly as he does, Leo still touching him through his pants.

“Fuck,” Blake says after a moment. His head is still spinning a bit, but he sits up and pulls away. Leo moves his hand and looks at Blake quizzically.

“You ok?” Leo asks. Blake nods distractedly.

“Yeah, sorry,” he says after a moment. “I should’ve stopped you.” Leo looks at him, confused, for a second before he realizes what Blake means.

“Oh, shit,” Leo says. “Sorry. I didn’t know you were so close.” He pauses awkwardly for a moment, not sure what the best thing to say is. “Do you want to go change?”

Blake looks at his jeans, glad to see that the front of them is still dry, but the fabric of his boxers is uncomfortably damp. He nods.

“Yeah. But, can I suck you off first? The bathroom is through Alec’s room and I don’t want to bother him again until we’re totally done.”

“I really don’t think that’s a good idea,” Leo replies. “Don’t get me wrong, it sounds amazing, but….”

“Please?” Blake says. “It’s only fair.”

“Really, it’s fine, Blake. Just go change.”

“You’re sure? I don’t want to be selfish.”

“You’re not being selfish, ok?” Leo says. He brushes his hand against Blake’s cheek. “This was really nice, and more than I had hoped for, you don’t need to do anything else.”

“Ok,” Blake says quietly.

He still feels a bit embarrassed and awkward about the situation, but he knows Leo won’t change his mind. He gets up and grabs some clean boxers from his suitcase and shoves them into his pocket, hoping he can change without Alec figuring out what happened. He walks over and knocks on Alec’s door. It takes a few seconds before Alec opens it.

“You done?” Alec asks, looking quickly between Blake and Leo, trying to assess the situation.

“Yeah, I just, uh, need to use the bathroom real quick,” Blake says. “But yeah, you can come hang out with us now.”

“Ok, cool,” Alec says.

He walks out of his room and sits on the chair across from Leo while Blake goes into the bathroom.

“Sorry about all that,” Leo says to Alec.

“It’s ok,” Alec says. “Blake needed it. He’s been having a rough time anyway and I’m sure being sexually frustrated hasn’t helped with that.” Alec pauses for a second. “You didn’t have actual sex though, right?”

“No, no sex,” Leo says. “All our clothing stayed on.”

“Ok, good. Thanks.” Alec glances at the door to his room briefly. “I’m guessing you also want to use the bathroom then.”

“What?” Leo asks, a bit confused.

“I mean…” Alec says. He lets his voice trail off and makes a jerking off motion with his hand. “I’m not dumb, I know what he’s doing.”

“Oh,” Leo says quietly, slightly embarrassed by what Alec is suggesting. “No, I’m not gonna do that. Not here.” Alec shrugs.

“Ok. I don’t really care if you do though. I guess I’d prefer you not, but I’ve kind of given up at this point. Blake’s gonna do it no matter what. At least it’s not in my living room, ya know?”

“Yeah.”

They sit quietly for a few minutes until Blake comes back out into the room.

“Hey,” Blake says, sitting down next to Leo on the couch. He places his hand on Leo’s knee. “You need to use the bathroom?”

“Actually,” Alec says, “Leo said he isn’t going to jerk off in my bathroom. Which is surprising, honestly, but appreciated.”

“I wasn’t-“ Blake starts to say, but Alec holds up his hand to stop him.

“I’m not that dense, ok?” Alec says, rolling his eyes. “It’s fine, I get it.”

Blake just nods, figuring that it’s more awkward to argue about it than to just agree. Even though that wasn’t what he was doing, it would be a lie to say he hadn’t done it several times while living with Alec.

He doesn’t know why he’s surprised that Alec knows; as subtle as he’d tried to be, he doubts Alec would believe he hadn’t jerked off for the nearly two weeks he’d been there. He feels his face getting warm thinking about it and he hopes that even though Alec knows, he at least hasn’t heard him.

“Can we please talk about something else?” Leo says after the silence becomes awkward.

“Yes please,” Blake says.

Chapter Text

“I know a lot of people are asking questions about the photo that’s circulating of Blake and Leo kissing. What can you tell us about that?” the interviewer asks.

Blake and Leo look at one another quickly then at Cam off to the side. Cam shakes his head.

“We’ve, uh, made our official comment on that,” Blake says.

“Well, yes. But it was a very limited statement,” the interviewer says. “I think what everyone is wondering is, are you two romantically involved?”

Blake looks back at Cam pleadingly. They had practiced responses ahead of time, knowing this would come up, but it doesn’t make it any less stressful.

“They’re not going to discuss this issue any further,” Cam says brusquely.

The interviewer looks at all of them, maybe hoping someone will say something, but no one does. He sighs.

“Alright,” he says. “So, how has it been being back home after touring in the US?”

“It’s been weird,” Finn says. “Like, going from that back to just being a normal teenager is weird. I go back to school in like two weeks.”

“Luckily the rest of us have graduated,” Blake says. “I don’t think I could deal with any more school.”

“And are you all still living at home?” the interviewer asks.

“No,” Alec says. “I moved out not too long ago. Actually, Blake is staying with me right now, he’s looking to get his own place though.”

“What prompted you both to move out?” the interviewer asks.

"I guess, just wanting more independence,” Blake says. Alec nods. Neither of them want to give a more honest answer than that.

“You’ve been playing a few shows here, do you plan to keep doing that, or are you going to take a break?”

“We’ll be taking a break,” Leo says. “This Saturday is going to be our last show for a while. It’s been a whirlwind year for us, so we’ll be taking some time off.”

“What do you plan to do during this time off?”

“Sleep a lot,” Alec says. Blake laughs.

“Yeah,” Blake says, “definitely sleep. Probably work on new music. It’ll be nice to do nothing for a bit, but I think I’d go crazy if I wasn’t doing anything.”

“Do you already have plans for a second album?”

“I think so,” Blake replies. “We don’t have anything concrete yet, but I’d expect something. Maybe not too soon, but yeah.”

“Can you tell us a bit about your song writing process?” the interviewer asks.

“Usually Blake does most of the writing,” Leo says. “He comes to us with lyrics and a basic idea of a song structure and we kind of go from there. I’ve written a few things here and there and Finn has too, but Blake does a lot of that part of things.”

“It’s a bit more collaborative than that,” Blake says. “It’s kind of like I have a skeleton of a song and they help to flesh it out. Sometimes it’ll just be a chord progression or a few words and everyone kind of comes together to bring it to life. A lot of our earlier songs were things I mostly wrote, but I think in the future you’ll be hearing more influence from everyone else.”

“Definitely something to look forward to then.” The interviewer pauses for a moment and consults his notes. “You all went to the same school, did you know each other before you formed the band?”

“Leo and I have known each other for years,” Blake says. “Since we were around thirteen I think. Year nine. Alec I’ve known for about two years and Finn just under a year. Although it feels like much longer than that.”

“I repeated year twelve,” Alec says. “So I didn’t really know Blake and Leo until then. They were already doing music together at that point, but it wasn’t until later that year that we did some shows together. We had a different bass player at the time.”

“Yeah, Finn replaced him,” Blake says. “We, uh, had a bit of a falling out. I had seen Finn around and knew he was a talented kid, so I asked him to fill in and luckily he said yes. We got signed a few months later.”

“Leo and Blake, since you’ve known each other so long, do you have any interesting stories about each other?” the interviewer asks. Leo looks at Blake and laughs.

“I have a lot of interesting stories about Blake,” Leo replies. “But I don’t know if he’d appreciate me sharing most of them.”

***

As soon as Finn walks through the school doors, he can tell that things have changed. He feels like everyone is watching him as he walks through the halls. He grips the straps of his backpack and stares straight ahead.

When he walks into his first class, he’s glad to see some of his friends sitting near the back. He sits down at an empty desk next to them and pulls out a notebook.

“Hey,” he says. His friend Pete turns to him.

“Hey, long time no see,” Pete says.

“Yeah,” Finn replies. “I’ve been pretty busy, sorry about that.”

“Everyone’s talking about you,” Pete says. "You’re basically famous now. It’s like having a celebrity go to your school.”

“It’s weird,” Finn says. “Being back here. It feels so normal, and nothing else about the past year has been anywhere close to normal.”

“Why did you come back?” Pete asks. “I mean, you’ve gotta have money now. I don’t get why you would want to do more school if you don’t have to.”

“My parents,” Finn replies. “I talked to them about it, but they said they want me to at least finish secondary school. I guess it’s probably for the best.”

Pete is about to say something else when the teacher walks in. Finn turns away and looks to the front of the room, trying to put everything out of his head and focus on the lecture.

By lunchtime Finn feels a bit more comfortable. He gets a few stares as he grabs his food, but it doesn’t bother him too much. He sits down next to his friends at a long table.

“Hey Finn,” his friend Jack says. “Good to see you again. How’ve you been?”

“Good,” Finn says. “Busy.”

“Yeah, I bet,” Jack says.

“So, are you gonna tell us all about your crazy rockstar adventures?” Pete asks.

“There’s not that much to tell,” Finn says, trying to brush off the attention. “I mean, it was cool, but mostly we just played shows and spent way too much time traveling from place to place.”

“That’s still way more exciting than all the lame shit we did here,” Pete replies. “Come on, I’m sure you have at least a few stories.”

“Maybe some other time,” Finn says. “Honestly, I’m glad to have a bit of a break from everything.”

Pete looks disappointed, but doesn’t push further. Finn feels bad, he knows his friends are just trying to stay involved in his life, but everything with the band feels like it happened in an entirely different world, one that they’ll never be able to be a part of.

“So,” Finn says after a moment, trying to avoid an awkward silence, “what did I miss while I was gone?”

***

Finn is sitting in his room with some girl from school, Lucy. He’d met her a while back, but they hadn’t talked much until recently. She had always seemed unapproachable, but since he had come back to school she was suddenly interested in him. He didn’t mind too much that it was all probably superficial. It felt nice to be wanted.

She had practically invited herself over, saying something about how cool it would be to hang out with Finn and hear him play some music. He knew he wouldn’t do his homework anyway so he figured it couldn’t hurt to have her over.

But now, sitting on his bed, playing guitar with her staring at him, he isn’t quite sure this was the best idea. He finishes the song he’s playing and looks up at her. She smiles.

“Wow, you’re amazing,” she says.

“Thanks,” Finn replies. He feels awkward, not quite sure what to do. “I like playing guitar, but I’m not nearly as talented as Blake is. I usually play bass, but it’s not as good by itself.”

“Well I think you’re great,” Lucy says. Finn decides that he’s played enough and puts the guitar back in its case on the ground.

“Thanks for listening to me play,” he says.

“Of course,” Lucy says. “It’s like my own private concert.” She pauses and scoots closer to him. “You know, everyone thinks you’re really amazing. It’s so cool that you go to our school.”

“I’m just a normal person,” Finn says.

He wants to say that he’s the same person he used to be, the one that no one really paid attention to, but he doesn’t. Lucy nods and looks at him for a bit, her eyes studying his face. Finn suddenly realizes that she probably wants him to kiss her. So he does.

She kisses back immediately and wraps her arms around Finn’s neck. Finn rests his hands gently against her back, not quite sure what he should do. He’s struck by how different this is than anything he did with Blake. Lucy’s movements are much softer and slower, like she’s waiting for Finn to take the lead.

As they kiss, Finn realizes he’s not so sure he wants to be doing this. His mind keeps wandering away from the moment and back to Blake. Back to every time they kissed, every time Blake’s hands were on him. He’s embarrassed that even just that thought turns him on more than what he’s doing with Lucy. He pulls away from her.

“Sorry,” he mumbles. She laughs.

“Don’t be sorry,” she says. “I wanted you to kiss me.” Finn doesn’t feel like explaining that that’s not what he was apologizing for. Lucy places her hand on Finn’s leg.

They sit there on his bed for a while. At some point Lucy leans her head against Finn’s shoulder. He doesn’t know what to do or what to say. He knows she probably wants him to kiss her again, or do something more. But he doesn’t feel anything towards her. And it scares him. He had always told himself that he wasn’t gay, that it was just Blake, that he liked girls. But now, with Lucy in front of him, with the chance to do something, there’s nothing. No feelings. No desire.

“It’s getting kind of late and I have a lot of work,” Finn says, breaking the silence. “I’m sorry. It was great hanging out though.” Lucy looks up at him, her face slightly disappointed.

“Yeah,” she says. “We should do this again sometime.” Finn nods but doesn’t say anything. Lucy stands up and grabs her things.

“Let me walk you to the door,” Finn says. He stands up and they walk out of his room and down the stairs together. He opens the front door and holds it as she walks out.

“See you in school tomorrow,” she says.

“Yeah, see ya,” Finn replies. He lets the door swing shut as she walks down the sidewalk to her car.

Chapter Text

Finn walks out of the school building after his last class without stopping to talk to any of his friends. He’s walking over to the bus stop to wait for his brother when he sees a familiar car pull up to the curb. He stops and the driver side window rolls down.

“Finn,” Leo says. “Got a second?”

“Uh, yeah,” Finn says. “What are you doing here?”

“I figured I’d just stop by. Check in, ya know, see how things are going.”

“Things are ok,” Finn says, still confused as to why Leo would come here.

“That’s good.” Leo pauses for a second. “You wanna come to my place? Just hang out?”

Finn just stares at Leo for a minute. He realizes he’s never been to Leo’s house before. He doesn’t think the two of them have ever really hung out alone together apart from sharing hotel rooms.

“I have to wait for my brother,” Finn says, slightly apprehensive.

“I can drive him home,” Leo offers. Finn doesn’t respond. “Please?” Leo says.

“Sure,” Finn says. “Beats the bus anyway.”

Leo smiles and Finn walks around to the passenger side and gets in the car. They sit quietly for a few minutes, Finn watching anxiously out the window for his brother. Finally he sees him walk by with a few of his friends.

“Trent,” Finn yells at him.

His brother looks up. Finn waves him over to the car and Trent says something to his friends before opening the back door and climbing in.

“Leo’s gonna take you home,” Finn says.

“Hi, Trent,” Leo says as he pulls out onto the main road.

“Hi,” Trent replies. “Are you not coming home?” he asks Finn.

“No, I’m going to Leo’s. I’ll probably be back for dinner,” Finn says.

“Mom’s gonna be mad,” Trent says. “You know she doesn’t like you going out on school nights.”

“I’m not going out,” Finn says. “I’m just going to Leo’s. I’ll get my homework done.” He pauses for a second. “Actually, will you just say I’m at a friend’s place? Don’t mention it’s Leo.”

“Fine,” Trent says. Leo looks at Finn and tilts his head in confusion.

“My parents have been kind of weird about me hanging out with you or Blake,” Finn explains. “Ever since… you know.”

“Ah,” Leo says. Finn can tell it bothers him by the way he tightens his grip on the steering wheel and stares straight ahead intensely at the road.

“People ask me about it,” Finn says softly. “At school.”

“I’m sorry,” Leo says.

“Are you and Blake dating?” Trent asks Leo.

“Trent!” Finn snaps. “Shut up.”

“Well you won’t tell me anything,” Trent replies.

“Because it’s none of your business,” Finn says.

“We’re not dating,” Leo says, still staring straight ahead.

“Are you gay?” Trent asks.

“Shut up, Trent,” Finn says. “Leo, you don’t have to answer him. Just ignore him.”

“It’s fine,” Leo says. “I’m not gay.”

“Everyone thinks you are,” Trent says.

“Yeah, I know,” Leo replies.

“Then why don’t you say that you’re not?” Trent asks.

“I don’t think it would change much,” Leo says. “People are gonna think whatever they think. It’s easier to just let them.”

Trent pauses for a second, thinking about what Leo said. Finn hopes that they can make it the rest of the drive without Trent asking more questions, but the silence doesn’t last long.

“If you’re not gay then why did you kiss Blake?” Trent asks.

“This one’s worse than the tabloids,” Leo says to Finn with a smile.

“Try living with him,” Finn replies. Leo laughs.

“Look,” Leo says, looking at Trent in the rearview mirror. “Sometimes things aren’t always as cut and dry as you’d like them to be.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Trent asks.

“It means stop asking him questions,” Finn says.

Finn reaches over and turns on the radio. Surprisingly, one of their songs is playing. He changes the station.

“You don’t like that one?” Leo asks with a smile.

“Nah,” Finn replies. “The bass part is crap.”

Eventually they pull up in front of Finn’s house and Trent gets out. They wait until he goes inside to drive away.

“Sorry about that,” Finn says.

“Really, it’s fine,” Leo says. “I’d be curious too.”

“You know he’s gonna tell his friends all of that,” Finn says.

“Well, I don’t have to hear about any of that crap at school anymore,” Leo replies.

“You’re lucky. Half of my conversations are people telling me how much they admire me and the other half of them are people asking me invasive personal questions. It sucks.”

“I bet.” Leo pauses for a second. “I’m sorry this has been so hard for you.”

“I know it’s been worse for you,” Finn says. “And Blake.”

“That doesn’t mean you should have to deal with any of this. Also, speaking of that, I’ll need to take you home before six. That’s when my parents get home. They don’t like me having any of you guys over alone.”

“Ok,” Finn says.

They drive for a bit in silence before they get to Leo’s house. Leo parks and they get out and walk up to the door. Finn feels slightly nervous as Leo unlocks it, but he’s not sure why. They walk in and Leo leads Finn up the stairs and to his room. It’s fairly clean, the bed is unmade but there’s not much on the floor. Leo sits on the carpet and Finn sits next to him.

“So,” Leo says. “I’ve been wanting to talk to you.” Finn’s stomach flips.

“About what?” Finn asks. Leo laughs.

“Don’t look so nervous. I’m not mad or anything.” Leo picks at a piece of the carpet. “Just, I realized it would be good to chat. About all of this. Just us two.”

“Without Blake,” Finn says.

“Exactly,” Leo replies. “I love him and all, but I want this to be an honest discussion.” Leo pauses before continuing. “I know that you two… did things together.”

Finn winces. He had figured that Blake told Leo, but it’s still awkward for him to hear Leo say it.

“Yeah,” Finn says, staring at the floor.

“And I know he didn’t tell you about us,” Leo says.

“Yeah.”

“So, I would imagine you didn’t feel too great about that.”

“Not really, no.”

“He’s kind of shit at communication,” Leo says.

“Kind of?” Finn says.

“Ok, maybe that’s a bit of an understatement. But I just wanted to make sure there were no hard feelings between us.”

“No, no hard feelings,” Finn says. “If I was going to be mad at anyone it would be Blake. But I’m not. Just, overwhelmed. Confused. I don’t know.”

“That makes sense,” Leo says. “Also, I just have to ask, just to make sure, was everything between you and Blake stuff you wanted to do? Just, with the age difference, it always made me worry.”

“He didn’t do anything wrong,” Finn says. He pauses. “Well, I mean obviously he did several things wrong, but that wasn’t one of them. He was always really good with that.” Leo nods.

“Ok. Good. That makes me feel a lot better.”

Finn looks at Leo for a minute. It had never really occurred to him that Leo might be worried about him. He feels bad for being jealous of Leo, for any semblance of anger he held toward him.

“I really liked him,” Finn says after a minute. “I kind of had a massive crush on him for a while if I’m being honest.” Leo smiles at Finn but it seems a bit sad.

“I’m sorry,” Leo says. Finn shakes his head.

“It’s not your fault.”

“I know. I just feel bad. I wouldn’t have done anything if I had known it would hurt you.”

“It wouldn’t have mattered,” Finn says. “I’ve seen the way he looks at you. The way he acts around you. The only other person I’ve seen him like that with is Emily.”

“He’s really upset about her,” Leo says after a moment. “He acts like it doesn’t bother him, but their breakup absolutely crushed him.”

“Does it not bother you? That he still cares about her?” Finn asks. Leo shakes his head.

“I’ve known Blake for a long time. He’s just not good at being monogamous. He tried with Emily for a long time and it never worked out. I wouldn’t expect him to change that part of himself for me. Just because he loves her doesn’t mean he can’t love someone else too.”

“It’s probably for the best that things didn’t work out with us,” Finn says. “I don’t think I could deal with that.”

“You’ll find someone someday,” Leo says. “Someone who can give you what you deserve.”

“I hope so.”

They’re both quiet for a moment, but it’s a comfortable silence.

“I’m glad we got to talk,” Leo says. “I wouldn’t want something like this to come between us. You’re a really great guy.”

“You too,” Finn says. He pauses. “So, what exactly is the deal with you and Blake now?”

“You sound like your brother,” Leo says with a smile. “I don’t know honestly. We haven’t seen a lot of each other recently. My parents are a lot stricter with me about where I go and who I see. And since he’s living with Alec right now it’s hard for us to get time alone.”

“Do you think you’ll ever actually be together? Like officially?”

“I really don’t know. I honestly can’t see us ever being public about it even if we were. But I don’t really mind that. I don’t think we need to label what we are.”

“I guess that makes sense,” Finn says.

“I’m sorry you’ve had to deal with people at school asking about it,” Leo says. “That must be hard.” Finn nods.

“It’s that, and it’s just, I don’t know, everyone seems to think that they’re entitled to know everything about my life now.”

“Tell me about it,” Leo says.

“It’s like, what am I supposed to say when you ask me about my friends’ sex lives? Or how I feel about it? People I’ve only talked to once think it’s fine to ask me to confirm or deny whatever rumor they’ve heard.”

“Sounds awful,” Leo says. “Sometimes I think it would be easier just to be totally honest about everything. But Cam would kill us.”

“Yeah. I’m surprised he hasn’t already with everything we’ve done.”

“I really doubt this is what he imagined when he signed us,” Leo says laughing. “I mean, I’m sure there are worse things that we could get up to. But still.”

“If we go on a big tour again, I’m sure we can find new problems to cause him,” Finn says.

“Good plan,” Leo replies.

***

A few weeks later, Blake offers to drive Finn home after band practice. Blake almost never wants to drive him, so Finn immediately assumes it’s an excuse for the two of them to be alone. He hasn’t been avoiding Blake, per se, but he certainly hadn’t made an effort to talk to him one on one.

Finn is nervous as he gets into the car, but he knows they need to talk. Still, he waits for Blake to start the conversation, worried he’ll say the wrong thing.

“So, how’s school?” Blake asks as he pulls out of his parking spot.

“Bad,” Finn replies. “I don’t care about any of the stuff we have to learn, and everyone is weird about me being there. My old friends try to act like everything is the same as it used to be, but it’s not.”

“God, I’m glad I’m out of there,” Blake says. “When are half term holidays?”

“Still two weeks away.”

“I’m sorry, that sucks.” Blake pauses and takes a deep breath. He looks almost as nervous as Finn feels. “Hey, I know we never really talked about a lot of things, and I just wanted to say, I’m sorry for not telling you about Leo.”

“I understand why you didn’t,” Finn says.

“Yeah, but it was still a shitty thing to do.”

“Really, it’s fine.”

“Finn, you don’t have to be nice about it. I know you were upset. You can be mad at me. I deserve it.”

Finn looks at him for a moment then sighs.

“Yeah, ok. I was pretty upset about it,” he says. “I thought there was something between us and it hurt to find out that I was wrong, ok?”

“There was something between us,” Blake says.

“Not in the same way as with you and Leo,” Finn replies.

“I’m sorry if I led you on. I didn’t mean to.”

“It’s not really your fault,” Finn says. “I thought there was more than there was. I had feelings, you didn’t. But you never promised me anything.”

“I still should have told you. Especially because Leo got mad at me for not telling him about us.”

“I thought you did tell him,” Finn says, confused. Blake shakes his head.

“Alec told him. This whole thing has been a huge mess. Which is pretty much all my fault for being awful at communication.”

“You should probably work on that,” Finn says with a smile.

“Yeah, I should.” Blake pauses. “So, are we ok?”

“Yeah,” Finn says. “We’re good.”

“Good,” Blake says. “And, in the spirit of communication, I know you might not want to, especially after I’ve been such a fucking mess, but if you ever want to hook up or something, I’m still down for it. You’re really, really attractive. I hope you know that.” Finn smiles.

“Maybe,” he says. “I don’t think I could do it right now. If I’m being honest, I still have feelings for you. It would be a bad idea.”

“That’s fair,” Blake says. “And, just so you know, I may not have like, romantic feelings for you, but I do really care about you.”

“I really care about you too,” Finn says.

Chapter Text

The first thing Blake had done after getting the furniture set up in his new apartment was invite Leo over. Alec had been kind enough to help him, and he had also been very understanding when Blake told him he needed some time alone afterwards. He assumes it wasn’t hard to guess what his plan was.

“And here’s the bedroom,” Blake says, swinging open the door. Leo walks in, looks around, then flops down on the bed.

“It’s a nice place,” Leo says.

“Yeah, I like it,” Blake replies, closing the bedroom door. “Move over.”

Leo rolls to the side of the bed and makes room for Blake to lie down next to him. He turns so that their faces are right next to each other.

“Hi,” Leo says with a smile.

Blake feels his stomach flutter. It’s been such a long time since it’s just been the two of them, together, alone. He puts his hand up to Leo’s cheek.

“I missed you,” Blake says.

“We’ve seen each other like every day,” Leo replies.

“You know what I mean,” Blake says, rolling his eyes.

Leo laughs then leans closer to Blake and kisses him. Blake moves his hand from Leo’s cheek to his hair, running his fingers through it, pulling Leo closer. He rests his other hand against the small of Leo’s back.

Leo moves so Blake can nestle his leg between Leo’s thighs, their lower bodies pressed close together. Blake is already hard, and he moans when Leo pushes up against him. Leo laughs softly and pulls away.

“Someone’s a bit excited,” he says playfully.

“Shut up,” Blake says, pushing Leo’s chest gently. “I haven’t had any fucking privacy lately. It’s been a while, ok?”

“What, like three weeks?” Leo replies.

“I said shut up,” Blake says, blushing slightly.

“Make me,” Leo says with a grin.

Blake smiles back and kisses him, pressing his lips hard against Leo’s, sliding his tongue into the other boy’s mouth. Leo kisses back just as desperately, his fingers digging into Blake’s back.

“Off,” Leo mumbles, pulling at the fabric of Blake’s shirt. They break their kiss for a moment to tug off their shirts.

“These too?” Blake asks, fingers in the belt loops of his jeans. Leo nods.

“Everything,” he says, unbuttoning his own pants. They toss their clothes in a pile on the floor. “Lube?” Leo asks.

“In the drawer,” Blake replies, pointing to his bedside table. “Condoms too,” he adds.

Leo nods and opens the drawer, grabbing the necessary supplies. He sets them on the bed and looks at Blake, lying there naked.

“Fuck,” Leo says, biting his lip. “Yeah, it’s been too long,”

He straddles Blake and runs his hands along the other boy’s chest. Blake lets his eyes fall shut, focusing on Leo’s touch as he moves down Blake’s body, caressing his stomach and hips. Leo wraps a firm hand around Blake’s cock and Blake inhales sharply.

“Oh fuck,” Blake says, his eyes snapping open to look up at Leo.

Leo smiles at him and moves his hand slowly up and down. It feels incredible but Leo is moving so slowly Blake wants to scream.

“Fuck, Leo,” Blake moans, “stop teasing me.”

Leo laughs, clearly enjoying watching Blake squirm underneath him.

“But I’m having so much fun,” Leo says, pretending to pout.

“Please” Blake says, thrusting up into Leo’s hand desperately.

“Fine,” Leo says. He pulls his hand away and moves it to the inside of Blake’s thigh, caressing him softly. “Since you asked nicely.”

Leo grabs the bottle of lube and squirts it into his hand before slipping a finger into Blake. Blake shifts his hips as Leo pushes deeper, helping Leo find his prostate and moaning when he does. Leo thrusts his finger in and out quickly before adding another, then repeats the process before adding a third.

“You good?” Leo asks.

“I’d be better if you were fucking me,” Blake says. Leo smiles and shakes his head.

“You’re so needy,” he says. “You’re lucky you’re also hot.” Blake laughs.

Leo puts a condom on and squirts out more lube before pushing into Blake. Blake lets out a low moan as Leo enters him, pulling his knees up to give Leo more room.

“God, I’ve been so fucking desperate for this,” Blake says, breathing hard as Leo thrusts into him.

“Me too,” Leo says, his breath just as ragged.

Blake wraps his legs around Leo’s waist, pulling him deeper. Leo leans down and buries his face against Blake’s neck, sucking on the exposed skin. Blake runs one hand up and down Leo’s back and places the other on Leo’s head, twisting his fingers in Leo’s blonde hair.

They stay like that for a while, bodies intertwined, heat pouring off of them into the small bedroom. Blake tilts his head down and catches Leo’s lips with his own, pulling him up into a messy kiss.

The kiss quickly becomes more desperate as Leo thrusts faster, both of them close. Blake digs his fingers hard into Leo’s back and Leo inhales sharply, slipping his hand between them and grasping Blake’s cock. Thankfully, Leo starts out his motions quick and it doesn’t take long before Blake comes, moaning into Leo’s mouth. Leo follows shortly after and then rolls to the side, his chest rising and falling quickly.

“Fuck,” Blake mutters. “That was good.” Leo nods sleepily, curling up next to Blake. “Can you stay over?” Blake asks. Leo shakes his head.

“My parents would kill me,” he says.

“If they’re trying to stop us from sleeping together, they kinda dropped the ball on that one,” Blake says with a smile. Leo laughs.

“Yeah, just a bit,” he says. “But for real, I have to go home.”

Blake picks up his phone from his bedside table.

“It’s just after seven, you can stay a bit longer, yeah?” he asks. Leo nods. Blake wraps his arm around Leo, patting the side of his head softly.

They lie there, holding each other for a while, until Leo drifts off to sleep. Blake thinks about waking him up, but Leo looks so peaceful that he can’t bring himself to do it. Instead, he picks up his phone and sets an alarm before closing his eyes and burying his head against Leo.

Chapter Text

After a few days of enjoying his privacy, Blake decides he misses Alec, so he invites him over to his apartment. Alec had brought a nice bottle of rum as a housewarming gift, which had inevitably led to them drinking a fair amount of it.

After a while, all the alcohol starts to catch up to Blake and his head starts spinning. He sits down on his couch and leans over the back, looking at Alec upside down.

“I shouldn’t have had those last like, three shots,” Blake says, his words sliding together slightly. Alec laughs and walks over to sit next to him, Blake following him with his eyes.

“We’re celebrating, it’s fine,” Alec says, emptying the shot glass in his hand. “It’s not every day you get your first apartment.”

“I’ve been here for like a week,” Blake says.

“Whatever,” Alec says.

They sit on the couch for a while, listening to the music coming out of Blake’s speakers. Blake starts to feel more and more drunk, his thoughts keep slipping away from him and he can’t focus on much else besides the bass of the music and the brightness of the ceiling lights.

“You good dude?” Alec asks. Blake looks at him for a minute before nodding.

“Yeah, ‘m good,” he says.

Alec doesn’t seem convinced, but he doesn’t say anything else. Instead he gets up and pours himself another shot, not even bothering to offer any to Blake.

“You know what?” Blake asks.

“What?” Alec says.

“I’m gonna… text Emily,” Blake says.

“Blake that’s a terrible idea,” Alec replies, sitting back down next to Blake. “Don’t do that.”

“No, I’m serious,” Blake says. “I wanna talk to her. I fuckin’ miss her.”

“She broke up with you for cheating on her, I don’t think she’s going to want to talk to you,” Alec says.

“I mean she didn’t really break up with me,” Blake says. “She said we should take a break. Maybe we’re done taking a break, ya know?” Alec shakes his head.

“You know what? Make whatever dumb decisions you want. But don’t blame me for it tomorrow when you’re sober.”

Blake pulls his phone out and spends a minute trying to unlock it. He knows his passcode but he can’t get his fingers to work right. He opens his texts and finds Emily’s number. The last thing they texted about was where they were meeting to talk right before they broke up.

Blake takes a minute to type out I miss you, deleting and retyping a few times before the spelling is all correct. He taps send. He puts his phone down and looks over at Alec.

“You’re a dumbass,” Alec says.

“You’re a dumbass,” Blake replies. Alec rolls his eyes and twirls a shot glass in his hands.

A minute later Blake’s phone dings. He picks it up and tries to focus on the message from Emily: I miss you too :(

“What’d she say?” Alec asks.

Blake shushes him and types out his response: I’m sorry about how things ended. Do u wanna come over? He sends it then thinks for a minute before adding: I just got my own place.

It only takes a few seconds before he sees her typing, so he watches the screen, ignoring Alec staring at him. Her message pops up: yeah, that would be nice. What’s ur address? Blake quickly types a response, checking a few times to make sure the numbers are correct before sending it.

“Em’s coming over,” Blake says. Alec takes a deep breath.

“Yeah, I’m going home,” he says. “I’ll see you later, alright? Don’t be an idiot.”

“Bye, Alec,” Blake says, watching as Alec walks out the front door.

Blake sits on the couch waiting, trying to collect his thoughts and stop his head from spinning so much. By the time Emily calls him to let her in, he’s thinking that maybe this wasn’t the best idea, but when he opens the door and sees her standing there all his doubts disappear. He holds his arms out slightly and she hugs him.

“Sorry,” Blake mumbles, “I’m kinda drunk.” Emily laughs.

“I figured,” she says. “I didn’t date you for almost three years without getting to know you pretty well.” Blake smiles and kisses the top of her head.

“Come on in,” he says. “Lemme show you around a bit.” They walk into the living room area and Emily looks around.

“This is nice,” she says, placing her hand on the arm of the couch.

“Thanks,” Blake says. He motions around. “Kitchen’s back there. You want a drink?” Emily shakes her head.

“No, I’m good, thanks,” she says.

Blake walks over to his bedroom and opens the door, standing to the side to let Emily past him. She walks in and places her hand on the crumpled-up bed sheets.

“I’m happy for you,” she says. “I’m glad you finally got your own place. Your dad was shit anyway.” Blake walks over and sits on the bed.

“Yeah,” he says. “I just wish it hadn’t all happened like this, ya know?” He pats the mattress next to him and Emily sits.

“Yeah,” she says. “Me too.” She pauses for a moment. “I really do miss you,” she says. “I was pissed for a while but now I’m just sad.” Blake places his hand on her leg, rubbing circles with his thumb.

“I was a bad boyfriend,” he says.

“It’s not that simple,” she replies. “I wish it was. Maybe then I wouldn’t still be in love with you.”

Blake looks at her for a moment, trying to read her, then leans over and kisses her. She kisses back and it feels like the most natural thing in the world, like they were never apart.

Blake expects her to pull away after a bit, to tell him that this is all a bad idea, but she doesn’t. Instead, she tugs at his shirt and breaks away from the kiss to help him pull it over his head. He does the same for her then reaches behind her and unhooks her bra. He pulls her close to him, feeling her heartbeat against his chest.

It doesn’t take long for things to escalate and when their clothes are all on the floor and they’re lying back on the bed kissing, Blake briefly thinks that he should stop. But he’s too drunk to hold onto the thought and Emily’s hands on him feel too nice, so he keeps going.

Every movement feels so familiar, her lips against his neck, her hands on his back, their bodies pressed close together. Blake catches Emily’s gaze as he thrusts inside her and she looks so vulnerable that he almost feels bad. So he kisses her and closes his eyes, focusing on the sensations and pleasure of the moment.

It isn’t until they’re finished and lying next to one another that the guilt starts to creep back into Blake’s mind. But by then he’s too drunk and too tired to do anything about it, so he lets Emily nestle under his arm as he wraps his comforter around them.

“I love you,” he mumbles, his face pressed against the top of her head.

“I love you too,” she says, curling up against him.

As he lies there, Blake tries not to think about anything else, tries to just hold on to the heat of Emily’s body, the softness of her skin, the rise and fall of her chest. He drifts off to sleep with his fingers in her hair.

When Blake wakes up, Emily is already awake next to him.

“Hey, sleepy head,” she says with a smile. “How are you doing?”

“Surprisingly not bad,” Blake replies. “I thought my hangover would be way worse.” Even though his head hurts, he doesn’t feel nearly as terrible as he had expected given the amount he drank the night before. “How bout you?” he asks.

“Good,” she says. “But, um, I think we probably need to talk, yeah?” Blake nods.

“Yeah. You want some breakfast first though?”

“Sure.” Emily stands up and grabs her clothes from the floor. She puts her underwear on then turns to Blake. “Can I wear one of your shirts?” she asks. “I don’t want to put pants on yet.” Blake laughs.

“Yeah, second drawer,” he says.

She walks over to his dresser and opens the drawer. Blake stands up and walks behind her, opening the top drawer and grabbing some boxers before pulling a t-shirt out of the second drawer. Emily grabs a shirt and pulls it over her head, the hem falling partway down her thighs.

“I like when you steal my clothes,” Blake says. “You look much cuter in them than I do.”

They walk out into the kitchen together and Blake opens the fridge.

“Scrambled eggs?” he asks.

“Sure,” Emily replies, sitting down at the kitchen table. Blake grabs a pan and turns on the stove.

“So, last night…” he says, letting his voice trail off. Emily takes a deep breath.

“I don’t even know,” she says. “It’s like, I want to be mad at you. But I can’t do it. Especially when we’re together. It just feels, I don’t know, right.”

“I’m sorry if this makes things harder,” he says. “I know you had good reason to break up with me.”

“I didn’t want to,” she says quietly. “I just didn’t know what else to do.”

“Yeah.”

“But I guess, the more I think about it, the more I’m coming to terms with things. And it certainly doesn’t help that I miss you like hell. I don’t know, Blake. I’ve been thinking about it a lot and I think I would be willing to give us another shot.”

Blake stares at the pan for a minute, trying to figure out what to say. It sounds too good to be true.

“I slept with Leo again,” Blake says. Emily sighs.

“I figured you probably had,” she says. “It bothered me a lot. Especially at first. But it’s been a long time since I’ve expected us to be exclusive, and maybe, maybe this isn’t as different as I made it out to be.”

“Em, I love you to death, but you know I have feelings for him. Doesn’t that change things?”

“Do you still have feelings for me?” she asks.

“Of course,” Blake replies.

“I think I was worried that you loving him meant that you never loved me. But I’ve thought a lot about it. I just can’t believe that all our time together didn’t mean anything to you.”

“You mean the world to me,” Blake says. He pulls out two plates and puts the eggs on them before passing a plate and a fork to Emily and sitting down across from her. “You’d really be willing to try again?” he asks. “Even if I keep seeing Leo?” Emily takes a bite of her eggs.

“Yeah,” she says. “I think I might be an absolute idiot for it, but I want to try again. What do you think?”

“I think I would like that,” Blake says. “I think I would like that a lot.”

***

Blake parks his car behind the movie theater and gets out, waiting for Emily next to the passenger door. With everything going on lately, it had been a while since they had spent any time together, so when Blake suggested going out on a proper date, Emily had agreed immediately.

Blake grabs Emily’s hand as they walk up to the building. The weather has just started getting chilly and Blake is glad they’ll be inside since he didn’t bring a warm coat. They walk inside and up to the ticket counter. Blake buys two tickets to the movie they had picked out and they walk into the theater.

“You want anything?” Blake asks as they pass the concessions. Emily shakes her head.

“No, I’m good. We can always get something to eat after the movie,” she says.

They keep walking until they find where the movie is, then they go inside and pick out seats in the very back. Neither of them has to say anything, it’s where they always sit. The theater is nearly empty since the movie they picked has been out for a while and it’s a Tuesday afternoon.

As soon as they sit down, Blake moves the armrest between them so it’s out of the way and drapes his arm over Emily’s shoulders. She leans up against him, her head against the crook of his neck. They watch the previews, making comments to one another about what looks good or awful.

They watch the first part of the movie, occasionally glancing at one another. Blake isn’t really paying attention; instead, he’s more focused on Emily, holding her close against him, trying to catch her eye. She looks up at him and they stare at one another for a moment before Blake leans in and kisses her. She doesn’t hesitate to kiss back. This is far from the first time they’ve done this at the movies. In fact, almost every movie date they’ve ever had has ended up this way.

Blake pulls Emily closer until she’s almost sitting on his lap, running his hands across her back. She runs her hands through his hair and sighs into his mouth. They stay like that for a while, the movie droning on in the background, totally ignored. Blake moves his hand to Emily’s leg, running his fingers along her thigh, then up under her skirt. Emily pulls away slightly.

“Blake,” she says, her voice quiet but firm.

“What?” he asks.

“Not now.”

“Why not?”

“We’re in public,” she says.

“It’s dark and the theater’s practically empty,” Blake says. “No one will notice.” Emily shakes her head and scoots back into her chair.

“I don’t want to take that chance,” she says.

Blake sighs and puts his hands in his lap, staring at the movie screen in annoyance. Emily reaches over and grabs his hand.

“We can go back to your place after this, ok?” she says.

“Ok,” Blake replies. He squeezes her hand.

They watch the rest of the movie quietly, even though Blake doesn’t pay much attention to what’s going on. As soon as the credits roll, they stand up and walk out holding hands and drive back to Blake’s apartment.

As soon as the door closes behind them Blake kisses Emily forcefully, pulling her body against his. He feels her smile against his lips for a moment before she kisses back, wrapping her arms around him.

“Bedroom?” Blake asks, pulling away slightly.

“Yeah,” Emily says, slightly out of breath.

They walk into Blake’s room and pull off their clothes. Emily lies on Blake’s bed and Blake looks at her for a moment before climbing on top of her and kissing her. He places his hand against her cheek and tilts her face up to meet her eyes.

“I love you so much,” Blake says.

“I love you too,” Emily replies.

Chapter Text

Finn is riding home from Blake’s apartment with Leo. After spending the first part of the drive looking out the window in silence, Finn decides that now is as good a time as any to bring up what he’s been wanting to say.

“Can we talk about you and Blake?” Finn asks softly.

“Oh,” Leo says. “Um, yeah, I guess. If you want.”

“I know you think I can’t handle it,” Finn says. “But I can. We’re friends, and I don’t want you to feel like you can’t talk to me about him.” Leo sighs.

“Ok. What do you want me to tell you?”

“I dunno,” Finn replies. “But like, you two have been together or whatever for a couple of months and I don’t know anything about it.”

“Yeah,” Leo says. “Well, no one really does. I mean, it’s not a secret I guess, not really, but it’s also not something we’re talking about.”

“But don’t you want to?” Finn asks. Leo shrugs.

“Sometimes, yeah.”

“So you can talk to me about it.”

“That would be nice,” Leo says, smiling slightly. He pauses for a moment, trying to decide what to say. “Things are good, but it’s really complicated. And you know how Blake is. He doesn’t like to talk about things. So sometimes I feel like I haven’t got any idea what’s going on with us.”

“What do you mean?” Finn asks.

“I mean, I don’t know if we’re even really together or if we’re just having sex, ya know?”

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” Leo sighs. “And sometimes I want to ask him, because I really do love him. And part of me wants us to be together, like for real. But I don’t want to mess things up.”

“Do you really think it would mess things up to talk about it?” Finn asks.

“I don’t know,” Leo replies. He bites his lip a bit nervously. “This is gonna sound really shallow,” he says. “And I swear this isn’t all it’s about. But god, he’s amazing in bed. I’ve never had sex like this before. And I don’t want to do anything that might ruin it.”

Finn doesn’t know how to respond. It doesn’t really bother him to hear Leo say that about Blake, he had been well aware that the two of them were having sex. But he just doesn’t know what the right thing to say is.

“Sorry,” Leo says after a few moments of silence. “You probably don’t want to hear about that.”

“No, it’s fine,” Finn says. “I told you, I can handle it. I just, I don’t know what to say to help.”

“You don’t have to say anything,” Leo replies. “Honestly, it’s nice to just be able to tell someone this stuff. I mean, no one besides you and Alec really knows what’s going on with us. And I’d feel even more awkward talking to Alec about it.”

“He’s cool with it though, isn’t he?” Finn asks.

“Yeah, I think so. But I don’t know how he’d feel hearing about that kind of stuff. I mean, I’ve talked to him about sex loads of times, but that was always about girls.” Leo pauses. “At least with you I know you’ve got some experience with this type of thing.”

“I haven’t got nearly as much experience as you or Alec,” Finn says.

“But you’ve slept with other guys,” Leo says. “Alec hasn’t. Or at least if he has, he’s never told me.”

“I’ve only slept with Blake,” Finn says.

“Oh,” Leo says. He seems surprised and Finn wonders why Leo would have thought otherwise. “He’s the only guy you’ve been with?”

“The only person,” Finn replies, a bit embarrassed.

“Wait, really?” Leo asks. Finn nods.

“I’ve kissed a few other people,” Finn says. “But that’s really it.”

“Christ,” Leo says. “I’m sorry. I didn’t know. I guess I assumed since you’re, ya know, a good-looking guy, and kind of famous and all that.” He pauses for a moment, thinking. “So that would mean you lost your virginity to Blake then, right?”

“Yeah,” Finn replies.

“Does he know that?”

“No,” Finn says, shaking his head.

“Wow,” Leo says. “Shit.”

“Is that bad?” Finn asks. “Should I have told him?”

“It’s not bad. It’s just, god, I don’t know.” Leo pauses for a second. “Was it ok?”

“Yeah, it was good,” Finn says, blushing slightly.

“Sorry, you don’t have to tell me about it if you don’t want to,” Leo says. “Just, he can be a bit, I don’t know, intense. And if he didn’t know it was your first time….”

“No, he was good,” Finn says. “He did know that I’d never had, um, that kind of sex before. So he went slow and stuff.”

“So, he was the one who,” Leo hesitates for a moment, like he’s trying to figure out the words to use, “the one who fucked you?”

“Mmhmm,” Finn says. If he hadn’t been blushing already, he definitely would be now.

"Oh.”

“Does he, do that with you?” Finn asks. He feels quite awkward asking that, but he would be lying if he said he hadn’t been curious about it.

“No,” Leo says, shaking his head.

Finn is a bit surprised. Blake had told him that he had taken it before, but Finn had assumed it went the other way with Leo, although he couldn’t explain why. He finds himself briefly imagining the two of them together, but he immediately feels awkward and a bit guilty for doing it.

“Does he prefer that?” Finn asks.

Even though it’s been months since they last slept together, he suddenly feels worried that Blake might have been disappointed with what they did. Leo shrugs.

“I don’t know. I mean he certainly likes it quite a lot. But we’ve never done it the other way. I’m not sure I’d be willing to, really. So we haven’t ever talked about it.”

“It didn’t hurt like I thought it would,” Finn says, looking at the ground instead of Leo.

“That’s good,” Leo says. He pauses for a moment. “I don’t know how much you know already or whatever, but if you ever have questions or just want to talk about sex stuff, you can always ask me, ok?”

“Ok,” Finn says.

“I know I didn’t really get much about this type of thing in my sexual education courses,” Leo says. “And that was before I moved here. I think it was even worse for Blake.”

“Yeah,” Finn says. He doesn’t remember much from those courses, nothing beyond some anatomical terms and a lingering sense of shame surrounding sex.

“And, I know Blake is usually pretty good about it, but did you two use protection?” Leo asks.

“Yeah, we did,” Finn says.

“Ok, good,” Leo replies. “That’s important. You should always be safe, yeah?”

“I know,” Finn says.

“Sorry,” Leo says, laughing a little. “I know I’m being a bit overprotective. I just know I did some dumb things when I was your age and I don’t want you to make those same kind of mistakes.”

“Like what?” Finn asks, grateful for the shift in conversation.

“Oh god,” Leo says. “With my first girlfriend we had sex a few times without a condom or anything and we thought it was fine as long as I pulled out. One time I messed that up and we had to buy morning after pills. I remember thinking that buying condoms would be too embarrassing, but that was the most uncomfortable purchase I’ve ever made.”

“Wow,” Finn says.

“Yeah. Luckily nothing bad happened, but it could’ve. And I know it’s different if you’re not sleeping with girls, but STDs are still possible.” Leo pauses for a second. “And maybe you will be sleeping with girls. I shouldn’t assume that, sorry.”

“Maybe. I really don’t know,” Finn says.

“Well, you’ll figure it out, yeah?” Leo says.

“Yeah.”

***

A few days later, Blake and Leo are sitting on the couch in Blake’s apartment.

“I talked to Finn the other day,” Leo says. He leans his head against Blake’s shoulder.

“Yeah? About what?” Blake asks, wrapping his arm around Leo.

“He told me some things about what you two did together that I didn’t know,” Leo says. Blake wrinkles his face.

“Like what?”

"Well, I guess I didn’t really know what happened between you two. You never told me anything.”

“We had sex,” Blake says. “You knew that. I didn’t think you wanted more information than that.”

“I was just surprised. He said you were the one who, ya know….” Leo lets his voice trail off, feeling too awkward to finish the sentence.

“Fucked him?” Blake asks.

“Yeah.”

“I mean, yeah, I did,” Blake says. “I told him I’d do it either way and that’s what he wanted.”

“Oh,” Leo says softly. “I just thought you usually did things the other way.” Blake shrugs.

“It depends. I mean if I had to choose, I guess I prefer being fucked. But I like both.”

 They’re both quiet for a few moments. Leo thinks that it shouldn’t feel this strange to talk to Blake about these things, given what they’ve done together, but it does. He just sits still for a bit before he speaks again, trying to decide exactly what to say.

“He also told me it was his first time,” Leo finally says.

“Yeah,” Blake says. The response and the nonchalance surprise Leo.

“You knew?”

“I asked him if he’d taken it up the arse before and he said no,” Blake replies. “It seemed like a considerate thing to ask.”

“No,” Leo says, shaking his head. “Not his first time like that. His first time ever. With anyone.”

“Oh,” Blake says quietly. “I didn’t know that.” He pauses for a moment. “I guess I just assumed he’d had sex before. I mean, he is very attractive.”

“He’s also sixteen,” Leo says.

“We’d both had sex by then,” Blake replies.

“I know, but we did a lot of shit before we should have. I mean, you were fourteen when you lost your virginity. Even you have to admit that was too young.”

Blake doesn’t say anything for a minute.

“I was fine,” Blake says. But he doesn’t sound particularly sure of himself.

“You were a kid.”

“Well you were only fifteen when you lost yours,” Blake retorts.

“And I wish I’d waited,” Leo says. Blake sighs.

“He wanted to,” Blake says. “I didn’t make him do anything he didn’t want to. And we did other stuff before we had sex. I waited until he was ready. He could’ve said no and I wouldn’t have-“

“Blake,” Leo says, cutting him off. “I know. I know, ok? He told me you were good about everything. I just, I worry about him. You and I made a lot of stupid mistakes when we were his age. And I’m sure Alec did too. But none of us had the kind of expectations on us that he does.”

“And you think it was a stupid mistake for him to sleep with me?” Blake asks.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“Really? Because it sounds like that’s what you’re saying."

Leo sighs.

“I just wish things could have been different for him,” Leo says. “He really liked you, Blake. It’s not your fault that things ended the way they did, but you have to realize that it was hard for him. Especially since you were the first person he’d ever been with.”

“What the hell do you want me to do?” Blake asks, frustrated.

“I don’t want you to do anything. I just want you to know,” Leo says.

“I know. I know I fucked up, ok? I’ve talked to him about it, and I’ve apologized but I can’t change how I feel. I can’t do anything else to make it better.”

“I’m not mad at you,” Leo says after a moment of silence.

“Ok,” Blake says, but he doesn’t sound convinced.

Chapter Text

Blake is in the middle of eating lunch when his phone rings. He picks it up and when he sees that it’s Emily he answers immediately.

“Hello?” he says.

“Hey, Blake, it’s Emily. Can I come over? I really need to talk to you.”

“Yeah, sure. Is everything ok?”

“Not really,” she says. “I just, I can’t tell you over text or on the phone. Are you home?”

“Yeah. You can come over now if you want.”

“Ok, yeah, I’ll be there in like, fifteen minutes.”

She hangs up and Blake tries to go back to his food, but he’s too anxious to eat, so he cleans up and sits on the couch, scrolling through his phone as a distraction until Emily arrives.

When he opens the door for her, she looks like she’s about to cry. Blake wraps his arm around her shoulder and walks her into the apartment.

“What’s going on, Em?” he asks as she sits down on the couch.

“Please don’t be mad,” she says.

“I’m not gonna be mad,” Blake replies. Emily takes a deep breath and looks at Blake.

“I think I might be pregnant.”

Blake stares at her for a minute, not entirely processing what she just said. Once he wraps his head around it, he doesn’t know how to respond so he just stands there, looking at her, waiting for her to say something.

“I-I haven’t taken a test yet,” she says. “But my period is like, two weeks late and we didn’t use a condom that one night and I’m really scared.”

“Ok,” Blake says, trying to think things through. “Ok, so you’re not sure yet. There’s still a chance that it’s nothing, right?”

“But what if it’s not?” Emily asks. “What if it’s not nothing?” Her voice is shaky and Blake can see tears in the corners of her eyes.

“Then, then we’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t think I can do this, Blake,” she says, crying now. “I can’t do this.”

“Hey, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, ok?” Blake says, walking over and placing a hand on her shoulder. “If this turns out to be real, you can do whatever you need to do, alright? I won’t be upset.”

She looks up at him, her wet eyes shimmering under the ceiling lights.

“Will you come with me to get a test?” she asks. “I don’t think I can find out alone.”

“Of course. You want me to drive?” Blake asks. Emily nods.

The drive to the store is tense, neither of them saying anything. Blake parks and they walk in. Emily holds out her hand and Blake grabs it.

“It’s gonna be ok,” he says, squeezing her hand tightly. She nods but Blake can tell she doesn’t quite believe him.

The store is fairly empty and when they go up to the counter to pay Blake hopes that the cashier doesn’t give too much attention to their purchase. He asks for a pack of cigarettes and pays in cash. Blake is glad the drive back to the apartment is short because he doesn’t know how much more of the crushing silence he can take.

As soon as they get back, he hands the test to Emily and she goes off to the bathroom. He lights up a cigarette while he waits, trying to calm down a bit. After a minute she comes back, holding the test.

“We have to wait a few minutes,” she says. Blake nods.

“Ok.”

She sits down next to him and he puts a hand on her knee. He can see that her hands are shaking slightly. He takes another drag of his cigarette. After a few minutes, they see a small symbol appear. It’s a plus.

“Fuck,” Emily says, her voice wavering.

Blake puts his cigarette out in an ashtray on his coffee table and turns to her.

“What do we do?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” she replies, tears running down her cheeks. “Fuck, Blake. What the hell do we do?” She gets up and throws the test angrily into the trashcan. “I can’t be pregnant. I can’t. Oh my god. I’m eighteen, Blake. I can’t do this.”

“Em,” Blake says, trying to keep his voice calm, “we’ll figure it out, ok? It’s gonna be ok.”

“My parents are gonna kill me. No matter what I do they’re gonna kill me.”

“You don’t have to tell them. This can just be between us. Until you decide what you want to do, I won’t tell anyone anything, ok?”

“But what do we do Blake?” Emily asks, still crying.

“Well, I guess there’s only really two choices, yeah?” Blake says. “We either keep it… or we don’t.”

“I know, but that’s not an easy choice to make.”

“Yeah.”

They’re both quiet for a few minutes. Emily paces back and forth across the living room anxiously, and Blake has no idea what he’s supposed to say in this situation. After what feels like an eternity, she sits down next to him again.

“I never thought I would have to do this,” she says, her voice shaky. “If it were anyone but me, I wouldn’t judge them at all. But it’s different.”

“I’m not gonna judge you, Em,” Blake says, putting a hand on her shoulder. “I’m here for you, no matter what.”

“I know, I just… I’ve been thinking about it, ever since I suspected I might be pregnant. Thinking about what it would be like to keep it. For me. For us. It would be hard. Really, really hard. I know it would be bad for you, especially with everything that’s been going on. But at the same time, it’s our baby. That has to mean something.”

Blake takes a deep breath, looks up at the ceiling. He had never thought much about being a parent; it had never really crossed his mind as a serious possibility. He and Emily had certainly never discussed it together.

“I’m not going to tell you what to do,” Blake says after a minute, choosing his words carefully. “It’s not fair of me to do that when I’m not the one who has to go through all of this. But you’re right. It would be hard. We’re both eighteen. Our relationship is… complicated. I can’t guarantee I’ll be around much with touring and all that kind of stuff. I don’t think I could be a good dad right now. But if that’s what you decide, I would make it work.”

“I love you so much,” Emily says.

“I love you too.”

Emily sits silently for another few agonizing minutes, just staring at the coffee table blankly.

“God, this has to be one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do,” Emily finally says. “But I just don’t think we can do this. Not now. I’m gonna make an appointment at a clinic.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Blake asks. Emily pauses for a moment.

“I want you to. But I don’t think you should. If someone recognized you and word got out, I don’t think I could deal with it.”

“Ok,” Blake says. “But if you change your mind or you want me to come and wear a fake mustache or something I’ll do it.” Emily laughs.

“Thank you,” she says. “It means a lot, really.”

“Anything for you.”

Chapter Text

Blake takes another sip of his drink. He’s lost track of how many he’s had tonight, and he knows that means it’s been too many, but he’s with Leo and he feels good, so he doesn’t care.

“Thanks for inviting me out,” Leo says. “It’s nice to hang out just the two of us.”

“It is nice,” Blake says. “I’m sorry I’ve been kinda weird lately.”

"You haven’t been weird.”

“Yes I have. I’ve been way too worried about what everyone thinks about us. And then there’s been all the shit with Emily. I don’t know, it’s been a lot.”

“What’s going on with Emily?” Leo asks. “I thought you guys were good now.”

“Yeah, we’re good. Just the whole pregnancy thing,” Blake says. Leo looks at him and raises his eyebrows.

“What?” Leo says.

“Fuck,” Blake mutters. “Forget I said that. I’m drunk.”

“Wait, no,” Leo says. “Are you serious? Emily’s pregnant?” Blake shakes his head.

“Was pregnant. It’s not a big deal. Please don’t mention that to anyone. I really, really wasn’t supposed to tell you.”

Leo just looks at Blake for a minute, either stunned or trying to figure out what to say.

“That kind of sounds like a big deal,” Leo finally says. “What happened?” Blake takes another drink.

“Just, we decided we would be shit parents, that’s all.” Blake tries to say it as casually as possible, hoping that Leo won’t press the issue any further.

“That’s a lot,” Leo says. “I had no idea. Damn.”

“Yeah.” Blake pauses. “I mean, it’s for the best, ya know? I love her but like, we’re so young. And we don’t exactly have the most conventional relationship. It just, it would be a bad idea.”

“I guess,” Leo says. “Still. That sounds hard.” Blake nods.

“Yeah.”

After a few more drinks and a bit of conversation, they call a cab and head back to Blake’s apartment. Leo tries to convince Blake that he really should go home, but it doesn’t take much persuading to change his mind. As soon as they’re in Blake’s bedroom, Blake kisses Leo, pressing him against the wall.

“Blake,” Leo says, pushing Blake back slightly. “You’re pretty drunk. I don’t know if we should do this right now.”

“Please?” Blake says, looking at Leo pleadingly.

“Blake-“

Leo is cut off as Blake kisses him again. He hesitates for a second, then sighs and kisses back. Leo rests his hands on Blake’s hips and Blake presses against him insistently. They stay there for a while, making out and grinding against one another until Blake can’t take it anymore.

“On the bed,” Blake says between heavy breaths.

He moves away from Leo and pulls his clothes off. Leo stays where he is for a moment, watching Blake fumble with his pants before lying down.

“Leo,” Blake says impatiently. “Come on.”

“Sorry,” Leo says with a small laugh, tugging his shirt off.

Leo finishes undressing and climbs on top of Blake. Blake pushes up into him and moans.

“God, I want you in me so bad,” Blake says.

Leo leans down and kisses Blake before pulling away and opening the drawer to the bedside table. He grabs the necessary supplies and starts prepping Blake.

Blake lets out small noises of pleasure as Leo pushes his fingers inside him, bucking his hips up whenever Leo hits his prostate. After a while, Leo puts on a condom and slides into Blake, squeezing his eyes shut as he does. Blake moves his legs and hips to get a good angle and grabs on to Leo’s hips as he thrusts into him.

It feels amazing, but Blake is desperate for something more intense. He’s been thinking about asking Leo to be rougher with him, and he’s drunk enough that his concerns about what Leo will think are drowned out by desire.

“Leo,” Blake says. “Choke me.”

Leo stops moving for a second.

“What?”

“Choke me.”

“Blake….”

Blake grabs Leo’s hands and places them on his neck.

“Press,” Blake says.

“I don’t want to hurt you,” Leo replies.

“Fucking hell Leo, just do it,” Blake moans. Leo bites his lip nervously and presses lightly on Blake’s neck. “Harder,” Blake says.

Leo hesitates for a second before pushing down more. Satisfied, Blake grabs on to Leo’s shoulders and moves his hips, prompting Leo to start thrusting inside him again. After a few minutes, Blake closes his eyes, focusing on all the sensations, the slight light-headedness, the pressure of Leo’s hands, the feeling of Leo inside him.

Leo pulls his hands away and Blake opens his eyes.

“Why’d you stop?” Blake asks.

“You closed your eyes, I didn’t know if you were ok,” Leo says.

“Christ, Leo, I’m fine. You’re not gonna fucking break me. Trust me, if I pass out, you’ll know.”

“Ok,” Leo says, his voice unsure. “You want me to…?”

He places his hands back on Blake’s neck. Blake nods and Leo presses down again. Blake moans and Leo can feel the vibration against his palms.

This time, when Blake closes his eyes, Leo doesn’t stop, instead he keeps moving, faster and harder until they’re both spent. He waits until Blake opens his eyes again to let go.

“You alright?” Leo asks.

“Yeah. Yeah, that was good,” Blake says sleepily, starting to feel the alcohol more and more.

“I didn’t know you liked that sort of stuff,” Leo says, nestling his body against Blake’s.

“There’s a lot of shit you don’t know,” Blake says, his face partially buried against a pillow.

“Maybe we can talk about it sometime,” Leo replies. “When you’re not drunk.”

Blake mumbles something that Leo can’t quite make out. Leo tousles Blake’s hair slightly then gets up and turns the light off before climbing back in the bed.

Blake wakes up with a splitting headache to find Leo still asleep next to him. It takes him a moment to remember what happened last night and even then, things are a bit hazy. He sits up and grabs his glasses.

“Morning,” Leo says.

“Sorry, did I wake you up?” Blake asks.

“I was only half asleep, it’s fine. How are you feeling?”

“Pretty shitty,” Blake says. “I definitely drank too much last night.”

“You want me to get you some pain killers?” Leo asks.

“That would be great,” Blake replies. “There’s some in the cabinet above the bathroom sink.”

Leo nods and gets up. He grabs his boxers from the floor and pulls them on before walking into the bathroom. A few seconds later Blake hears the sink running and then Leo comes back with two pills and a glass of water.

“Here,” he says, handing them to Blake.

“Thanks. Sorry I’m a mess.”

“I’m kind of used to it by now,” Leo says with a smile.

“Also, I’m sorry if I was weird last night. I was kind of out of it.”

“No, you were fine. Do you remember everything?”

“Yeah, mostly. We went to the bar, I accidentally told you about Emily, and then we came home and fucked.”

“And you made me choke you while we did it,” Leo says.

“Oh yeah. And you were shit at it,” Blake says, laughing.

“Hey, it’s not like I’ve had much practice,” Leo replies defensively.

“You’re so vanilla,” Blake says.

“Just because I’ve never choked anyone during sex before doesn’t mean I’m totally vanilla,” Leo says. Blake raises his eyebrows.

“Yeah?” he says.

“I mean, I don’t know,” Leo says, blushing slightly. “I haven’t really experimented much.”

“Well, if you ever want to,” Blake says, “just ask.”

“What would we do?” Leo asks. “I mean, what exactly do you like?”

“What, you want like a list?” Blake asks.

“I guess. I don’t know.”

“Umm, well, choking obviously. Basically any kind of rough sex. Biting, scratching, hair pulling, that sort of stuff. I’m not against being tied up or handcuffed. I don’t know. I’m down to try most things at least once, if I’m being honest.”

Leo nods.

“I’ll definitely keep that in mind,” he says with a playful smile.

***

“You’re sure you want to do this?” Leo asks, twirling the silky cloth in his hands. Blake stretches his arms over his head.

“I wouldn’t have agreed to this shit if I didn’t want to do it. We have a fucking safe word, I’m fine.”

“Ok, I’m just making sure,” Leo says.

He takes the cloth and ties it around Blake’s wrists and the headboard of the bed. Both of them are already naked, their clothes strewn across the floor of Blake’s bedroom. Leo climbs onto the bed and straddles Blake, running his hands across the other boy’s chest.

“You look so hot like this,” Leo says. Blake smiles up at him, then moans softly as Leo moves his hands down his body.

“You wanna know what I’m gonna do?” Leo asks. Blake nods. “I’m going to make you come without ever touching your cock,” Leo says.

“Oh god,” Blake moans.

He bucks his hips up to try and press against Leo, but Leo holds him still with his hands. Blake lets out a small whine and Leo laughs.

Leo moves his hands to Blake’s hips, rubbing his hipbones and lower stomach. Blake lets his eyes fall shut; Leo’s touch feels incredible and he wants to savor every moment of it. Leo leans down and kisses Blake, their tongues and lips sliding together as Leo’s hands continue to move across Blake’s body. Leo pulls away from Blake’s lips, kissing down his neck and chest, pausing just above Blake’s stomach.

“You doing ok?” Leo asks.

“Yeah. Fuck,” Blake replies, shifting his hips slightly.

“Ok, good,” Leo replies before moving his hands to Blake’s thighs.

Blake shudders as Leo coaxes his legs apart, brushing his fingertips gently against them. With every touch Blake can feel himself getting more and more turned on, his breath getting heavier and quicker, his heart racing slightly.

Leo shifts his head down and presses his lips against the inside of Blake’s thigh, causing Blake to groan. Although it feels amazing, he’s achingly hard and desperately wishes Leo would touch him. Instead, Leo withdraws completely, moving away to reach into Blake’s bedside table to grab lube.

Leo coats his hand and slips a finger slowly into Blake. Blake inhales sharply and pushes back against Leo’s hand, trying to get him to go deeper faster. But Leo holds his hand steady, moving so slow that Blake wants to scream. He strains his arms against the restraints for a moment.

“Fuck, Leo,” Blake moans. “You’re such a fucking tease.”

“And you love it,” Leo replies.

Blake is about to respond when Leo thrusts his finger to hit Blake’s prostate and Blake loses track of everything he was thinking. Leo keeps thrusting his finger in and out slowly before he adds another, and by the time Leo adds a third finger Blake feels like he’s going to explode. All he wants is Leo inside him, moving hard and fast. But Leo keeps going slow, slow, slow.

“Please,” Blake moans.

“Please what?” Leo asks with a mischievous smile.

“Please fuck me,” Blake says, his voice choked.

“You’re sure?” Leo asks, still moving his fingers slowly inside Blake.

“Leo, please. I need you to fuck me.”

Leo bites his lip and pulls his hand away, causing Blake to whimper.

“Only because you asked nicely,” Leo says.

He opens Blake’s drawer again, grabs a condom, and puts it on, tossing the wrapper on the floor. He squirts out more lube before lining his hips up and pushing into Blake slowly. Too slowly. Blake is shaking, his whole body on fire. He clenches his fists and squeezes his eyes shut.

“Faster,” Blake moans.

Leo clutches Blake’s hips tightly, digging his nails into Blake’s skin, but keeps the pace slow. Blake tries to focus on his breath, on the push and pull of Leo’s motions, anything to distract him, to make him forget how much he wishes he could reach down and touch himself. He pulls against the cloth around his wrists slightly, but he can hardly move his hands.

“Leo, fuck,” Blake says, almost sobbing. “Please, please, please.”

It must be obvious how desperate he is because Leo nods and speeds up his pace, thrusting fast and hard. The change in tempo is almost too much and Blake can feel the heat pooling in his stomach. He knows that if Leo would just touch him, it would barely take anything to send him over the edge.

Instead, Leo keeps up the fast pace and Blake keeps his eyes closed, his body rocking back and forth on the bed, his senses totally overwhelmed. Leo tightens his grip on Blake’s hips and thrusts one last time, burying himself deep inside Blake and moaning. The feeling of Leo coming inside him finally pushes Blake over the edge and he can feel his eyes roll back into his head as he orgasms.

By the time Blake’s head clears, Leo is carefully untying his wrists. Blake opens his eyes and looks up at Leo.

“Holy fuck,” Blake says.

Leo smiles and leans down to kiss Blake. Blake kisses back eagerly and runs his hands through Leo’s hair.

“So it was good?” Leo asks, pulling away ever so slightly from Blake’s lips.

“I think that was the best orgasm I’ve ever had,” Blake replies. “That was fucking incredible.”

Leo smiles and kisses Blake again.

“You’re incredible,” Leo says.

“We’re doing that again, right?” Blake asks.

“Definitely.”

Chapter Text

It’s a Friday night, so Finn had finally been able to convince his parents to let him go hang out at Blake’s place. The past few months, his parents had been trying their best to get him to focus on schoolwork, and, although they wouldn’t admit it outright, to keep him from spending too much time with Blake, Leo, and Alec.

As the evening is winding down, Finn turns and looks at the couch where Blake and Leo are sitting, wanting to ask if he can get a ride home before midnight. But in the few minutes he’s been looking at his phone and talking to Alec, the two of them have started making out.

Blake is practically sitting on Leo’s lap, his hands up the back of Leo’s shirt as they kiss one another. Leo has one hand on Blake’s neck and the other in Blake’s back pocket, pulling him tight against his body. Finn quickly looks away, staring into his drink for a moment.

He isn’t sure why it hurts so much to see, he knows they’ve been together for a few months now, and he’s talked to Leo before about the two of them having sex. But actually seeing them like this is different. Leo had said that he tried not to be too affectionate or sexual with Blake around Finn and Alec, but Finn had never really thought about what it might be like if Leo wasn’t so cautious.

Finn hadn’t realized how different it would be to see them doing something very obviously sexual rather than their usual casual touches or longing glances. He feels like he’s seeing something terribly private, and if he’s entirely honest with himself, it kills him to see Blake touching and kissing Leo like this.

“Finn?” Alec says softly, noticing Finn’s reaction. His voice is quiet enough that Blake and Leo don’t notice, not that they’re paying much attention anyway.

“Hmm?” Finn replies, looking up.

“Do you want me to take you home?” Alec asks.

Finn hesitates for a moment, torn between wanting to leave and knowing that Alec probably isn’t in the best state to drive right now. He supposes that Leo probably isn’t either; he isn’t sure how much alcohol Leo’s had, but he knows that he wouldn’t be anywhere near this touchy with Blake unless he was fairly drunk.

“It’s ok,” Finn says. “I want to wait for everyone to sober up a bit.”

“Ok,” Alec says. He takes a sip of his drink. “I’m guessing you want Leo to drive you, then?”

“Yeah. Sorry, it’s nothing personal. I’m just more comfortable with him driving.” Finn feels bad saying it, but it’s true. He’s only driven with Alec two or three times, but he always feels on edge about it.

“It’s fine,” Alec says. “I’m just asking so I know whether or not I can have another few drinks.”

“Don’t you still have to drive yourself home though?” Finn asks. Alec shrugs and tops off his drink.

“I’ll be fine.” Alec pauses for a minute to take a few sips before looking back at Finn. “I can tell them to stop if you want,” he says, motioning toward Blake and Leo.

Finn looks over at them again and he feels a wave of sadness wash over him. They’re still making out passionately, neither of them paying attention to anything else going on. Finn hates that it bothers him so much, and he hates even more that it turns him on just a bit seeing Blake like this, hates that he can’t help but imagine Blake doing that with him.

“I don’t care,” Finn says, trying to sound as casual as he can. Alec looks at him sadly, like he knows that Finn is lying and he feels bad for him.

“You want another drink?” Alec offers.

Finn thinks for a second, he’s had three already, but it’s been long enough that he barely feels buzzed anymore.

“Yeah,” he says finally, handing his empty cup to Alec. “But I just want like half a shot.”

“Sure, no problem,” Alec says.

Alec grabs an almost empty bottle of rum and pours a small amount into the cup before filling the rest with soda. He hands it to Finn and Finn takes a small sip.

“That’s half a shot?” Finn asks. He doesn’t doubt that Alec poured it right, he knows he’s good at making drinks, but he’s surprised that he can’t really taste the alcohol at all.

“Roughly, yeah,” Alec says. “It’s less than you’d think. I can give you more if you want.”

“No, it’s fine. Tastes better anyway.”

Alec smiles slightly and drinks more of his own drink, which Finn knows is significantly more alcoholic than his. After a few minutes Alec looks over at Blake and Leo. They’re still making out intensely, Leo leaned back against the arm of the couch with Blake on top of him.

“Hey, assholes,” Alec says, raising his voice so Blake and Leo will hear him. Blake pulls away from Leo slightly and turns his head to look at Alec. “Keep it in your pants.”

“Shut up,” Blake says, flipping Alec off.

“Blake, don’t,” Leo says. “He’s right.” Leo motions for Blake to move off of him and to the other side of the couch. “Sorry.”

Blake moves away from Leo slightly, looking annoyed. Leo sits up and glances between Finn and Alec awkwardly. He looks slightly dazed, but mostly just embarrassed, like he had honestly forgotten the two of them were there and is just now realizing that they saw everything.

“Alec, would you make me another drink?” Leo asks after a few moments.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea,” Alec says. “You have to drive Finn home.”

“Shit, I forgot,” Leo says. “I don’t think I can drive right now.”

“I don’t need to go now,” Finn says. “Just, before it gets too late. My parents don’t like me being out too long after midnight.”

“Yeah, ok,” Leo says. He pulls out his phone and looks at the time. “Can you wait an hour or so? Sorry, I had a bit too much. I forgot I was driving tonight.”

“You forgot you were driving?” Alec asks, raising his eyebrows. “What, were you planning on staying the night here?”

“I mean…” Leo says, glancing at Blake.

“Alec, can’t you drive him?” Blake asks.

“I had way more to drink than Leo did,” Alec replies.

“Yeah, but that’s different,” Blake says.

“So you’re on my ass about driving drunk all the time, but when you want Leo to stay here so you two can fuck, suddenly it’s fine?”

“I’m gonna drive him,” Leo says. “It’s all good. Just let me sober up a bit.”

“Alec’s gonna be driving himself home anyway, why can’t he do it?” Blake says. He glares at Alec. “You’re just being difficult.”

“Finn said he didn’t want me to,” Alec says. “I already offered while you two were busy groping each other. I feel fine, but I’m not gonna make Finn come with me if he’s not comfortable with it.”

“Finn, come on,” Blake says pleadingly, turning to look at him. “Just let Alec take you home. He said he’s fine.”

“Blake, I said I’d take him,” Leo says, annoyed. “Just drop it, ok?”

“I really wanted to see you tonight,” Blake says quietly.

“You’re seeing him right now,” Alec says, rolling his eyes.

“I really wanted to have sex with him tonight, ok? Is that what you want me to say?” Blake snaps. “You know what I fucking meant.” He presses his palms against his forehead. “I need another drink.”

Blake gets up and walks over to the table. He fills his cup half full with rum before topping it off with soda.

“That seems like a bit much,” Alec says.

“Thank you, mister bartender,” Blake says sarcastically. “But I know how to make drinks too. And you don’t get to talk about how much is too much, ok? I don’t have to drive.”

“Can you two please stop?” Leo says.

“Fine,” Blake replies.

He takes a long sip of his drink, wrinkling his face slightly at the taste before walking back to the couch. He sits down next to Leo, draping his legs over Leo’s. Leo sighs and puts his arm around Blake’s shoulders, rubbing the top of Blake’s arm gently.

“I’ll come over tomorrow, yeah?” Leo says. Blake rests his head against Leo’s side and nods sleepily.

Chapter Text

Blake is over at Alec’s place. It’s been almost two months since he moved out, but he’s only been back here two or three times since. He knows he’s been spending most of his free time with Leo lately, and he feels a bit bad for ignoring everyone else.

“So,” Alec says, sitting down on the couch. “Can I ask you some stuff? About you and Leo? It’s fine if you don’t want to talk about it. I know it’s kind of a tricky subject.”

Blake thinks about it for a moment. He’s not sure if he’s ready for this conversation. At least not sober. But he also feels like Alec deserves an explanation.

“Sure,” he says. “Why the fuck not?”

“You don’t have to answer stuff if it’s too personal,” Alec says.

“Just ask what you want,” Blake replies.

“Ok, um, so you guys have had sex, right?” Alec asks.

“Yeah. You wanna know who does what, right?”

“I mean, yeah, kind of. Like I said, if it’s too personal….”

“I take it,” Blake says. Alec seems a bit taken aback by how quickly he answered, but Blake doesn’t care.

“Oh,” Alec says, his cheeks turning slightly red. “Is it… weird?” Blake shrugs.

“I mean it takes a little getting used to. But after that it’s amazing. You should try it sometime,” Blake says.

Alec’s face turns even redder and he stares at Blake for a minute, not sure what to say.

“Christ, Alec, it was a joke,” Blake says, laughing. “But, come on, you’ve never even been curious about it?”

“I-I don’t know,” Alec says, not making eye contact with Blake. “I’ve thought about it,” he says after a moment. “But I don’t know if I would ever actually do it.”

Blake is surprised at Alec’s answer. He had assumed Alec had never even considered being with another guy. He almost feels bad for joking about it.

“Wait. Have you ever been attracted to a guy?” Blake asks.

“I was supposed to be the one asking questions,” Alec says, still blushing.

“Yeah, but I mean, I thought you were totally straight. This is way more interesting than me and Leo.”

“I am straight,” Alec says. “I mean, mostly. I think. I don’t know.”

“That’s what Leo said too,” Blake replies.

“I just, I couldn’t ever see myself in a relationship with another guy. Sex maybe. But nothing more than that.”

“You’ve never been in a long-term relationship, have you?” Blake asks. Alec shakes his head.

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Probably because I’m shit and no one wants to date me,” Alec replies.

“That’s not true and you know it,” Blake says. “You’ve been with plenty of girls before. Plus, you’re basically famous now. It wouldn’t be hard for you to find someone.”

“Ok, fine. It’s just not my thing. Maybe it sounds fucked up to say I don’t care about it, but that’s how I feel. Like, is it really so bad if I just hook up with people without dealing with all that romantic shit?”

“It’s not fucked up,” Blake says. “It sounds nice actually.”

Alec laughs.

“You’re back with Emily, right?” Alec asks.

“Yeah.”

“And she’s ok with the whole Leo thing?”

“Yeah.”

“So are you and Leo like, dating? Or what?”

“I don’t know. It’s complicated.”

“Fair enough.” Alec pauses for a few moments, thinking. “Hey, um, can you not tell anyone what I said? About maybe having sex with another guy?”

“You know Leo and Finn really wouldn’t give a shit, right?” Blake replies.

“I mean, yeah. But I just, I don’t know.” He pauses again. “I guess I’m not really sure about things right now. I mean, I never thought that much about it before, but now with you and Leo and all that, it’s different. More real, I guess.”

Blake nods. He knows exactly how Alec feels. And how vulnerable it can feel to share something like that with some.

“Like it was all just thoughts before. But now you realize it could be more.”

“Yeah. And that’s fucking scary.”

“I won’t tell anyone,” Blake says. “Promise.”

***

A week or so later, Blake finds himself back at Alec’s apartment after an evening of drinking.

“Hey, Alec,” Blake says, looking over at him from where he’s slumped across the couch.

“Yeah?” Alec replies.

“Ok, so like absolutely no pressure here, but I know you were curious about, you know, being with a guy. So, I guess, I was thinking, if you wanted, we could do something. Together. No strings attached. Just so you could try it.”

Alec looks at Blake for a moment. Blake can’t quite tell what he’s thinking.

“Never mind,” Blake says after a second. “Forget it. I’m sorry. That was weird.”

“Wait, wait,” Alec says. “I’m thinking about it.” He pauses for another few seconds. “I mean, if it was really just sex, nothing more… I don’t think I’d be against it. Like, it would be less intimidating than with a stranger. And you know what you’re doing. Or I would assume you do.” Blake laughs.

“Yeah, I’d like to think I do,” he says with a smile. Alec looks at him for a bit longer then sighs.

“Fuck it,” he says. “Let’s do it.”

It takes Blake a moment to process what he said, and then another moment to actually believe it. He blinks and sits up.

“Like, now?”

Alec shrugs.

“If you want to. Yeah.”

Blake stares at Alec, trying to get his drunk brain to figure out if this is real or not. Then he leans over and kisses Alec. It takes a second for Alec to kiss him back, and when he does it’s very tentative. Encouraged, Blake rests his hands on Alec’s hips and pulls him closer, sliding his tongue into Alec’s mouth. Alec relaxes a little, placing his hands on Blake’s back.

The longer they kiss, the more forceful and desperate Alec’s movements get, and Blake feels like his head is spinning. After a while, Blake tugs on Alec’s shirt and Alec shifts away so Blake can pull it over his head. Blake looks at Alec for a moment, then runs his hand across the tattoo on Alec’s bicep.

“Forgot you had this,” Blake says. “You should show it off more. You have a really nice body.” Blake runs his hands across Alec’s chest and stomach and bites his lip.

Alec smiles slightly and grabs the bottom of Blake’s shirt, helping Blake pull it over his head. They go back to making out, this time Alec is more certain, his touch firmer. Blake starts to grind up against him, breathing heavily. He moves his hand down to Alec’s crotch for a moment and then stops and pulls away.

“Is this not good?” Blake asks. “Because we can stop if you’re not into it.”

“What?” Alec says, titling his head slightly in confusion. “No, it’s good.”

“Oh, ok. I just, I mean….” Blake feels his face getting warm. “You don’t seem very… excited.” He looks at Alec’s crotch as he says it. Alec’s face turns slightly red and he puts a hand up over his eyes.

“Fuck,” he mutters. “Sorry. Shit.”

“No, really, it’s fine,” Blake says, not making eye contact. “It was just to try it out. It’s fine that you don’t like it.”

“It’s not that,” Alec says. “Really. You’re great. This is really nice. I just… fuck. It’s not you. It’s… sometimes I just, have some trouble with that, ok?.” His cheeks are bright red and he’s staring at the mattress, not looking at Blake at all.

“Oh,” Blake says. He puts a hand on Alec’s knee. “Do you want to, um, keep trying?” he asks. “I could blow you? That might help?” Alec shakes his head.

“That sounds great but, um, I don’t think it’s gonna happen.” He looks up at Blake. “I’m really, really sorry.”

“Do you think it has to do with the drinking?” Blake asks. “I know sometimes when I drink a lot-”

“Probably,” Alec says, cutting him off. “Look, it’s not a big deal. Maybe, maybe we can try this again some other time. I don’t know. But, um, hey, can I at least toss you off or something? I feel awful.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’d be good,” Blake says, still too turned on to consider saying no.

He unzips his fly and pulls his pants and boxers partway down his thighs. Alec reaches over and wraps his hand around Blake’s half-hard cock. Blake moans and lets his head fall back slightly. Alec’s grip is firm, but not too hard, and Blake swears liberally as Alec moves his hand up and down.

As Alec continues to touch him, Blake can’t help but imagine what it would be like to do more. To have Alec’s hands all over him, to touch him in return, to have their bodies moving together, Alec’s cock deep inside him.

“I’m close,” Blake moans.

Alec nods and speeds up the tempo, moving faster until Blake comes in his hand. Alec keeps touching Blake as he rides out his orgasm, then pulls away and grabs a tissue from his bedside table to wipe his hand.

“Good?” Alec asks.

“Yeah,” Blake says. “Real good.” He pulls his pants back on and grabs his shirt from the floor. “You wanna watch a movie or something?” he asks.

“That sounds nice,” Alec replies.

***

“Leo,” Blake says. “Am I attractive?” Leo looks at Blake and raises his eyebrows slightly.

“What kind of question is that?” Leo says. “Of course you are. I’m not just sleeping with you because you’re my friend.” Blake smiles slightly. “Where is this coming from?”

“Just, I was hooking up with some guy,” Blake says. “And he couldn’t, you know, get it up. I offered to suck him off and everything, but he said no and just gave me a hand job and that was it.”

“Blake, that’s not your fault,” Leo says.

“But I mean, if I was more attractive, he wouldn’t have had that problem. Or at least he would have let me keep trying. Who says no to a fucking blow job?”

“I dunno. He was probably just embarrassed about it or something. And even if he didn’t think you were attractive, why does that matter? It’s one person. You’ve never had trouble finding people to sleep with. You’ll probably never even see him again.”

Blake tenses slightly. Of course Leo has no way of knowing he’s talking about Alec, but even the thought of him knowing makes his heart race.

“I know,” Blake says. “It just made me feel like shit about myself.”

“Come here,” Leo says, wrapping his arms around Blake and kissing him. They make out for a while, then Leo grabs Blake’s hand and presses it over his crotch.

“See?” Leo says. “It’s not you.” Blake laughs a little and palms Leo through his jeans.

Chapter Text

Blake and Alec are out at the pub, an occurrence that’s becoming more and more common lately. Every now and then Leo will tag along, and Finn even less frequently, but Alec will hardly ever say no if Blake asks him to go.

It’s at the point of the night where the music and conversation are just a bit too loud, the air a bit too stale and warm. Blake picks his drink up and stares at it for a moment before finishing it.

“Can we go back to your place?” he asks Alec. “Or my place? Wherever really.” He sets his empty glass down on the table.

“Uh, yeah, sure,” Alec replies. “You want me to drive? You kinda drank a lot.”

“We can get a cab. I mean, you also drank a lot.”

“I’m fine, I can drive,” Alec says.

Blake thinks about it. Usually he doesn’t let Alec drive his car, he knows that if they got pulled over for any reason Alec probably wouldn’t pass a breathalyzer test, even if he seemed totally sober. But Blake is just drunk enough not to worry about that, so he nods.

“Yeah, ok,” he says.

He reaches into his pocket for his keys and hands them to Alec. They walk out to Blake’s car and get in. Alec adjusts the seat slightly before starting the car and winces a bit as the music comes on, then turns the volume down.

“Your place or mine?” Alec asks. Blake pauses for a moment.

“Yours,” he says. “Then I can spend the night and drive home tomorrow.”

“You’re not gonna ask me if it’s ok for you to spend the night?”

“What? Like you’re gonna say no?” Blake says. Alec rolls his eyes.

“Fine, whatever,” he says.

They make it back to Alec’s apartment without incident and once they’re inside Blake sits down on Alec’s couch. Alec sits across from him in a chair.

“What do you wanna do?” Alec asks. He pulls out his phone and looks at it. “It’s not too late. We could watch a movie or something. Whatever you want.”

“You know what I really wanna do?” Blake asks.

“What?” Alec asks.

“Have sex,” Blake replies. Alec sighs.

“Blake, you’re drunk.”

“I’m not that drunk. Come on,” Blake says. Alec doesn’t say anything. “Aren’t you still curious?” Blake asks. “We barely did anything last time.”

“That’s not the point. You’re drunk and I don’t want to take advantage of you or have you do anything you’d regret later.”

“You know I’d do it sober,” Blake says. He reaches over and places his hand on Alec’s leg. “Please?”

Alec stares at Blake’s hand for a moment before replying.

“Ok. If you’re sure you want to.”

Blake smiles.

“You won’t regret this.”

Blake stands up and starts walking toward Alec’s bedroom. Alec gets up and follows him. By the time Alec closes the bedroom door behind them, Blake is already tugging his shirt off over his head, but once he turns and looks at Alec he stops undressing.

“You alright?” Blake asks.

“Yeah. Just, I don’t know, nervous I guess,” Alec replies. Blake walks over and places his hand on Alec’s cheek.

“We don’t have to do it if you don’t want to,” Blake says. Alec looks at Blake for a moment then shakes his head.

“No, I want to. Really.”

Blake smiles then leans in and kisses Alec. Alec kisses back, more sure this time than the first time they were together. They kiss for a while, then Blake pulls away and grabs Alec’s hand, leading him over to the bed.

“Off,” Blake says, tugging at Alec’s shirt.

Alec pulls it over his head and tosses it on the floor before lying on the bed. Blake climbs on top of him and kisses Alec again before moving down to his neck.

“Can I give you hickeys?” Blake asks. Alec nods quickly.

“Yeah.”

Blake places his mouth back on Alec’s neck, sucking and gently biting at the skin. Blake can feel Alec’s chest rising and falling quickly underneath him. Alec groans softly and runs his hands across Blake’s back. After a while Blake pulls away and looks down at Alec, gently running his fingers across the marks on his neck.

“You look really hot right now,” Blake says, moving his hands down and rubbing Alec’s chest.

Alec reaches up and grabs Blake’s shoulders, pulling him back down and kissing him again desperately. The insistency that Alec is touching him with finally makes him feel like Alec actually wants this too.

Blake slides away from Alec’s lips, kissing down his body until he stops just above the waistband of his jeans. He pulls at the fabric gently with his thumb and looks up at Alec.

“Can I?” Blake asks.

“Yeah,” Alec says.

Blake undoes the button and pulls down the zipper of Alec’s pants, then grabs the fabric of his jeans and boxers and pulls them both down together. He works the clothes down Alec’s legs and tugs them off, throwing them on the floor next to them before turning back to Alec.

Blake is glad to see that Alec is at least somewhat hard, and he wraps his hand around Alec’s cock and strokes a few times before taking him in his mouth.

“Fuck,” Alec moans, pressing his head back into the pillow behind him.

Blake knows he isn’t being nearly as coordinated as he would be sober, but Alec doesn’t seem to mind. Alec reaches down and runs his fingers through Blake’s hair, pulling gently at the dark strands. Blake grips the back of Alec’s thighs and takes him deeper in his throat, moving his head as Alec starts to thrust slowly so he won’t gag.

“Fucking hell, Blake,” Alec moans, tightening his grip on Blake’s hair.

Blake keeps going until Alec tugs at his head, pulling him away. Blake stops and sits up, looking at Alec. Alec’s eyes are drooped slightly and his chest is rising and falling quickly.

“Sorry,” Alec says, panting slightly. “I was gonna come. I figured you didn’t want to finish me off quite yet.”

“Yeah,” Blake says. “Good call.” He pauses for a second. “Do you have condoms and lube?” Alec sits up slightly.

“I should, yeah, let me look.”

Blake moves off of Alec and Alec gets up from the bed and walks over to his dresser. He opens one of the top drawers and rummages around for a moment. He pulls out a condom and sets it on the dresser.

“Lube’s not here,” he mutters. “I swear I have some.”

“You fucking better,” Blake says. “This isn’t happening without lube.”

“I know. I’m gonna check the bathroom.”

While Alec looks in the bathroom, Blake takes the rest of his clothes off and lies back on Alec’s bed. He figures even if Alec doesn’t have lube, they can still make something work. Luckily Alec emerges from the bathroom a few moments later with a bottle in his hand.

“Got it,” he says, grabbing the condom from the dresser on his way back to the bed. He looks at Blake for a moment. “I’m fucking you, right?” he asks.

“That’s what I assumed, yeah. But if you really want me to fuck you, I’ll do it,” Blake replies.

“I think I’m good,” Alec says with a small smile. “One step at a time, yeah?”

Alec climbs on the bed and straddles Blake, looking down at him for a moment.

“You good?” Blake asks. Alec nods.

“Yeah. I’ve just never seen you like this before,” Alec says. “It’s different.”

Alec runs his hands lightly across Blake’s chest and Blake sighs. Blake thinks about what Alec said. It is different, seeing each other like this, sharing this kind of intimacy. There’s nothing romantic about it per se, but he feels closer to Alec than he has in a long time.

“You ready?” Alec asks after a moment.

“Yeah,” Blake says. “You’ve done this before? I mean, with girls? Like, you know what to do?” Alec nods.

“Yeah, I got it.”

Alec starts prepping Blake, slicking his hand with lube and sliding his finger inside him. Blake shifts his hips slightly to find the right angle.

“Right there,” Blake moans. “Fuck.”

Alec thrusts his finger a few times, hitting the same spot before pulling out and adding another. He repeats the process with two fingers and then three.

“Is that good?” Alec asks.

“Yeah,” Blake replies. “Just fuck me already.” Alec laughs softly.

“If you insist.”

Alec opens a condom and puts it on, tossing the wrapper on the floor, then grips Blake’s hips and pushes into him. Blake squeezes his eyes shut and pulls his legs back, making more space for Alec between them. Alec pushes all the way in and starts to move slowly.

“Oh, fuck,” Alec says, digging his fingers into Blake’s skin.

Blake moans and pushes back hard against Alec, forcing him deeper. Alec holds Blake tight and moves faster, thrusting hard and deep. Blake wraps his legs around Alec’s waist and grips Alec’s shoulders.

Once they’ve found a good rhythm, Blake opens his eyes and looks up. Alec’s eyes are partially covered by his dark hair, damp with sweat. Blake reaches up and pushes the hair away, letting his hand linger against Alec’s forehead for a moment before moving it down and cupping Alec’s cheek.

Alec leans down and kisses Blake, messy and desperate, tongues and lips sliding against one another. Alec thrusts hard and Blake moans into the kiss. He keeps the pace fast and hard, pushing deep inside Blake.

“Toss me off,” Blake says, his voice ragged.

He feels Alec nod his head before he reaches between them and grasps Blake firmly. Blake bucks his hips and cries out as Alec strokes him, squeezing his eyes shut as he comes. Alec follows shortly after, burying his face against Blake’s neck and swearing.

“Fuck,” Alec says, moving off of Blake and lying next to him. “I haven’t had sex that good in a long time.” Blake smiles.

“I told you that you wouldn’t regret it,” Blake says.

He rolls onto his side and faces Alec, who still looks a bit out of it. Alec shakes his head and laughs.

“You weren’t wrong.”

***

A few weeks later, Blake, Alec, and Leo are sitting in Blake’s living room talking. Blake and Leo are sitting next to one another on the couch, Leo’s hand resting casually on Blake’s leg. Alec is sitting across from them in a chair with a drink in his hand.

“I wish Finn could’ve come,” Blake says. “I miss him.”

“Me too,” Alec says. “I don’t get why his parents are so strict about him going out now.”

“It is a school night,” Leo says. Blake rolls his eyes.

“Whatever,” Blake says. “I think the whole thing is stupid. I don’t see why he should have to go to school in the first place.”

“It’s probably a good thing for him,” Leo says. “But either way, he’s still only sixteen. I guess it makes sense that his parents have rules about that kind of thing. I’m sure they just want to keep him out of trouble.”

“Oh yeah, us sitting around and talking is so much trouble,” Blake says. Leo looks at him and shakes his head.

“You know what I mean,” he says. “I’m sure they wouldn’t approve of the drinking and smoking.” He pauses for a second. “Not to mention you sleeping with the entire band.”

Blake stares at Leo for a moment, frozen. He didn’t think Leo knew about him and Alec. He hadn’t said anything. He glances over at Alec, but Alec avoids meeting his gaze.

“What?” Blake finally manages to say.

“Well, I guess just me and Finn,” Leo says.

“Oh, yeah,” Blake says, hoping Leo doesn’t notice the tension in his voice.

Leo looks at him quizzically, then at Alec. Alec’s face is slightly red and he’s staring at the glass in his hand to avoid looking at Leo.

“Wait,” Leo says. “Did you two….” His voice trails off before he finishes the sentence.

Blake looks at Alec and Alec looks up at him. He looks slightly panicked. Neither of them says anything.

“Oh my god,” Leo says. “You did, didn’t you? What the fuck, Blake?” His voice is somewhere between surprised and angry.

“Alec didn’t want me to tell anyone,” Blake says defensively. He knows it’s a bad excuse, but he doesn’t know what else to say.

“What happened to working on communicating?” Leo asks. “Did you not learn anything from what happened with Finn?”

“I asked him not to tell you,” Alec says before Blake can reply. “I didn’t want anyone to know. I’m still… I’m still trying to figure stuff out.”

They’re all quiet for a moment.

“I would’ve told you otherwise,” Blake says softly.

“But you didn’t,” Leo says. “You didn’t tell me.”

“I’m sorry.”

“So, what? Alec is confused about his sexuality and you just offer to sleep with him? Is that it? Are you really that desperate for sex?”

“That’s not what it was about,” Blake says angrily.

“Then what was it?”

“I-I told him stuff,” Alec says. He pauses for a moment before continuing. “I told him that everything with you and him and Finn had been a lot. And that it maybe… made certain things I had been thinking about seem more real. And I didn’t know how I felt about that. But nothing happened then. It wasn’t until a few weeks later that Blake brought it up and said he’d be willing to do something if I wanted to.”

“I was trying to be a good friend,” Blake says.

“That’s not what normal friends do,” Leo says bitterly.

“Neither of us have any feelings for each other,” Blake says. “It was just sex. You know I sleep with other people. I don’t see why this is so much different.”

“Alec isn’t just other people,” Leo says. “I don’t know how to explain it. It’s just… it’s different, Blake. It just is.”

“I’m sorry. I would’ve told you. I just didn’t want to break my promise to Alec.”

“I can’t deal with this right now,” Leo says, standing up. “I’m going home. You two have fun. Sleep together again. See if I give a fuck.”

“Leo,” Blake says, grabbing his arm. “Don’t go.” Leo tugs his arm away.

“There’s only so much bullshit I can put up with, Blake,” he says.

Blake stares at him as he walks out the door then turns to Alec. They look at each other for a moment.

“I should probably head out too,” Alec says.

“Please stay,” Blake says. He feels like he might cry.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea,” Alec says.

“I don’t want to do anything if that’s what you’re thinking,” Blake says. “I just, I don’t want to be alone.” Alec thinks about if for a second before nodding.

“Ok,” he says. “But I need another drink.”

Chapter Text

Blake parks and grabs a bag out of the back seat of his car before walking up to Leo’s door. He rings the bell and waits for a minute or two before Leo opens the door.

“What are you doing here?” Leo asks. Blake can’t tell if he’s annoyed or surprised or both.

“I came to apologize,” Blake says. “Can I come in?”

“You know you’re not supposed to be here. If my parents find out they’ll kill me.”

“Aren’t they at work?” Blake asks.

“I mean, yeah. But still,” Leo says. Blake looks at him for a moment and Leo sighs. “Fine, come in.”

They walk into the house and up the stairs to Leo’s room. Blake closes the door behind them and Leo sits down on his bed. Blake sits next to him, purposefully leaving space between them.

“I know you’re mad,” Blake says.

“Yeah, I am,” Leo replies.

“I fucked up. I’m sorry. I really should have told you. I didn’t realize it was such a big deal. But I should have. I wasn’t thinking.”

Blake reaches into the bag he brought and pulls out a small stuffed lion and a chocolate bar.

“I know it doesn’t make up for what I did, but I got you these,” he says, handing them to Leo. “I love you. I’m sorry I keep screwing everything up. I’m gonna try and do better. Really, truly this time.”

Leo looks at the lion for a minute, and Blake worries that it was a mistake to give it to him.

“God, I can’t stay mad at you when you do cute shit like this,” Leo finally says. He turns toward Blake and hugs him. “I love you too,” he says, his voice slightly muffled against Blake’s neck. He pulls away after a moment and looks at Blake, his gaze soft.

“What?” Blake asks.

“I don’t know,” Leo says. “I guess I’m just thinking about how lucky I am to have you. Even though you’re an idiot sometimes.”

“I missed you,” Blake says. “I know it was only a few days but god I missed you.”

Leo reaches up and cups Blake’s cheek, then pulls his face toward him and kisses him. Blake closes his eyes and leans into Leo, shifting his body so he can be closer. After a moment Leo places his palms against Blake’s shoulders and pushes him gently backwards on to the bed before climbing on top of him.

“You’re cute,” Leo says, ruffling Blake’s hair.

“I don’t get called cute very often,” Blake says with a smile.

“Well, it’s true,” Leo replies. He kisses Blake again.

They curl up into each other, Leo wrapping his arms around Blake protectively. Blake pulls the comforter up around them and tucks it under his chin.

“I love you,” Leo mumbles.

“I love you too,” Blake replies, smiling sleepily.

Leo’s eyes fall shut and Blake looks at him for a moment, at his blonde hair falling softly over his forehead, the array of freckles across the bridge of his nose. Blake sighs contentedly and closes his eyes.

They must have fallen asleep because neither of them hears anything until there’s a sharp rap on Leo’s door. Leo’s eyes fly open.

“Shit,” he says.

“Leo?”

The door creaks open and reveals Leo’s mom standing just outside. Blake buries his head under the comforter.

“Hi mom,” Leo says, his voice shaky.

“Blake, I saw you,” Leo’s mom says. “You don’t need to hide.”

Blake pulls the comforter back slightly and sits up a bit.

“Hi Mrs. Holloway,” he says sheepishly.

She just stares at them for a minute, taking in the scene, the clothes lying on the floor, their bare shoulders peeking above the top of the sheets. She sighs.

“I’ll be downstairs,” she says finally, then closes the door and walks away.

Leo stays still for a moment, barely breathing, before turning to Blake.

“You have to go,” he says.

“I’m sorry, Leo,” Blake says.

“Don’t,” Leo replies. “I can’t do this right now. Just get dressed.”

“Ok.”

They both get out of bed and grab their clothes from the floor. Blake gets dressed first and stands awkwardly by the door to wait for Leo to be done. Leo looks like he’s about to cry. They walk down the stairs and to the front door and Leo opens it and holds it for Blake. Blake grabs his hand and squeezes it tightly before walking out.

Leo waits until he sees Blake get in his car before shutting the door. He’s about to walk back upstairs when his mom calls his name.

“Leo, come talk to me please.”

Leo’s stomach flips. He walks into the living room where his mom is sitting on the couch and sits in a chair across from her. He doesn’t say anything; instead, he just stares at the floor.

“I’m really disappointed in you,” his mom says. “We specifically told you not to have him over. I thought we could trust you.”

“I’m sorry,” Leo says, still staring at the floor. He doesn’t know what else to say.

“This is exactly why we made that rule. You should know that this kind of behavior is completely unacceptable. I don’t know what we’re going to do. I’m going to have to talk to your father about this. I know you’re eighteen now, and we can’t stop you from choosing this… lifestyle. But while you’re living in our house, you need to follow our rules.”

“I won’t have him over again,” Leo says.

“How can we trust you, Leo?” She pauses. “I need to think about this. Go back upstairs. We’ll talk when your father gets home.”

Leo walks out of the living room and up the stairs. As soon as he closes the door to his room he collapses onto his bed and buries his face in a pillow. He can feel tears welling up in his eyes and he tries to blink them away.

He stays like that for a while, trying to control his breathing and not break down. Then he hears the front door open and he feels a surge of panic rush through him. He sits up and tries to listen, to hear what his parents might be saying, but he can’t make anything out. His whole body is tense as he hears footsteps coming up the stairs and he winces slightly as his door swings open.

“I can’t believe you, Leo,” his dad says, his voice just on the edge of yelling. “I can’t even tell you how upset I am. It was one thing for you to be involved in this mess in the beginning, but now? After we told you not to have him here? You’ve disrespected us and you’ve disrespected this house. It makes me sick.”

“I’m sorry,” Leo says, tears running down his cheeks. He tries to wipe them away, not wanting his dad to see that he’s crying.

“Do you even realize how upset you’ve made your mother? She’s downstairs, sobbing. Imagine what that was like for her, to walk into her own home and find you like that. We didn’t raise you this way. We tried so hard to instill good values in you, and you go and do something like this. You used to be such a good kid.”

Leo is crying too hard to say anything, let alone to hide it. He brings his hands up to his eyes and tries to wipe away his tears, but it’s useless. His dad just stares at him and shakes his head.

“You’re grounded for two weeks. We’re taking your car keys. This is your last chance. If anything like this happens again, I don’t think we can let you keep living here. There’s only so much we can put up with, Leo.”

Leo watches as his dad walks out of his room and closes the door hard enough to make the walls shake slightly. He curls up on his bed, his whole body shaking, and covers himself in his comforter. He can hear his parents talking again downstairs, but he doesn’t even try to make out what they’re saying. Instead he squeezes his eyes shut and hugs his knees, trying to find some sort of comfort.

Blake has been home for almost two hours when he finally gets a text from Leo. It just says: can u call me? So he does. The phone rings twice before Leo picks up.

“Hey,” Leo says, his voice soft.

“Hey, is everything alright?” Blake asks.

“No. My parents are pissed. I’m grounded for two weeks. They took my car keys. And they said if I mess up again, they’ll kick me out.”

“Fuck, Leo, that’s bad. I’m so sorry.”

“It’s not your fault,” Leo says with a sigh.

“I mean, it kind of is,” Blake replies.

“I just, I don’t want to be mad at you. I need you right now,” Leo says, his voice wavering slightly.

“I’m here,” Blake says. “Always.”

“It’s not even the being grounded that’s the worst. I mean, yeah it sucks and I’m gonna go crazy over the next two weeks. But it’s just, the way they talked about it. Like it was the worst possible thing I could have done. Like there was something wrong with me.”

“There’s nothing wrong with you,” Blake says.

“And I know they wouldn’t have been like this if it was a girl, you know? And I hate it, but it makes me feel like what we did, everything we’ve been doing is just, wrong.”

“I can’t believe that something that makes me feel this way could be wrong,” Blake says. He pauses. “You know the kind of shit I used to think. That I was broken and defective and fucked up for feeling the way I do. But you always told me that it was ok. That it wasn’t bad. You have to believe that for yourself too.”

“Why is this so hard?” Leo says. Blake can tell by his voice that he’s on the verge of crying. “Why the fuck is all of this so hard?”

“You can’t listen to them Leo. I know they’re your parents and you love them, but they’re wrong. They don’t understand.”

“I just want to be normal. I just want everything to be normal and ok, and it’s not. It’s not ok.”

“I know.”

“And now every time they look at me that’s all they’re going to see. They’re always gonna see me as messed up and there’s nothing I can do to change that.”

“I’m sorry. I really, really am. I wish I could make things better.”

“I love you. I’m sorry for complaining so much about all of this. I know this isn’t even half as bad as what you had to go through with your dad,” Leo says. Blake winces slightly.

“It doesn’t matter. That’s over now.”

“Still.”

“Yeah.”

They don’t say anything for a few moments, but the silence is comfortable.

“I’m gonna miss you these next two weeks,” Blake finally says.

“At least they didn’t take my phone,” Leo replies. “I’ll call you all the time. You’ll be sick of me by the end of it.” Blake laughs.

“I’ll never be sick of you.”

“I love you so much. I should go though. I have to go sit through the world’s most awkward dinner.”

“Good luck. I love you. I’ll talk to you soon, ok?”

“Ok, talk to you soon, bye.”

“Bye.”

Chapter Text

Blake wakes up to Leo calling him around ten. He picks up right away.

“Hey,” he says. “Good morning.”

“Hey,” Leo replies. “Did I wake you up? You sound sleepy.”

“Yeah.”

“Sorry, I should’ve waited until later to call.”

“No, it’s fine. It’s a good way to wake up. How are you doing?”

“Not great,” Leo says. “Things are really weird with my parents. Like, my mom won’t make eye contact with me at all. It’s just really tense. They’re at work now though. I wish I could come see you. God, I don’t know how I’m gonna make it two weeks like this.”

“That sounds really hard. And I know, I was thinking about that last night. Two weeks is a long time to not see each other. Obviously it’s going to be worse for you, but I don’t know how I’m gonna manage two weeks without sex again.”

“That’s what you’re thinking about?” Leo asks with a laugh. “Of course it is, I don’t know why I’m surprised by that. But I’m sure you can manage two weeks. Besides, you have Emily for sex.”

“Not that kind of sex,” Blake says. “It’s different.”

“Well, maybe you can ask Alec.”

“Oh my god,” Blake says. “I thought we were past that.”

“We are. I’m just teasing you.” Leo pauses for a second. “But you’re right. I’ll definitely miss the sex. I wish there was something we could do about all this.”

“Well,” Blake says, “like I said, I was thinking about this last night. If you’re comfortable with it, we could always, you know, do some stuff over like Skype or something.”

Leo is quiet for a minute, thinking.

“Yeah,” he says after a moment. “That could work.”

“I can get my laptop,” Blake says.

“Wait, you want to do it right now?”

“What, you’ve got better things to do?”

Leo laughs.

“Ok, yeah, sure. You want to call me when you’re ready?”

“Sounds good,” Blake says. “I’ll talk to you in a sec.”

He hangs up and grabs his glasses from his bedside table. After a quick trip to the bathroom, he finds his laptop underneath some of his clothes on the floor. He opens Skype and calls Leo. Leo answers quickly and his face pops up on Blake’s screen.

“Hey,” Blake says. “I missed you.” Leo smiles.

“I missed you too. Your hair is a mess.”

Blake looks at himself in the small window at the bottom of the screen and runs his hands through his hair to smooth it down slightly.

“Sorry, like I said, I just woke up.”

“That would explain the lack of clothes,” Leo replies. Blake is only wearing boxers, his usual sleeping attire. He shrugs.

“Didn’t see the point of putting anything on when I’d just end up taking it off again,” he says. Leo laughs.

“Fair enough.” He pauses. “So, um, I’ve never done this before. Like, what exactly do we do?”

“Well, you can start by taking your shirt off,” Blake says, the tone of his voice shifting. “And then I can tell you about all the things I would do to you if you were here with me.”

Leo bites his lip and nods.

“Ok,” he says softly. He pulls his shirt over his head and tosses it to the side.

“Fuck,” Blake says, staring at Leo. “You’re so hot. I’d be all over you if you were here.”

“What would you do to me?” Leo asks.

“Oh god. I just want my hands and mouth on every inch of you. I would push you into the bed and climb on top of you and kiss down your whole body.”

“That… that sounds amazing,” Leo says, a bit flustered. “Would you suck my cock?” Blake nods.

“Yeah, fuck.” He pushes his hand into his boxers and starts to touch himself. “I would, fuck, I would run my tongue across you until you were panting and begging and then I’d let you fuck my mouth.” Leo moans.

“God, I want that,” he says. “I want your lips around the base of my cock. You love going down on me, don’t you?”

“Yes,” Blake moans. “I love it. Fuck, Leo. I’m so hard right now just thinking about it.”

“Me too,” Leo says, breathless.

“Can I see?” Blake asks. Leo nods.

“Yeah, yeah, give me a second.”

Blake watches as Leo shifts on his bed and pulls his pants and boxers down. He adjusts the camera slightly and Blake groans at the view.

“Fuck, I want you so bad,” Blake says, stroking himself faster.

“Take your boxers off,” Leo says. “I want to watch you touch yourself.”

“Ok.” Blake tugs the fabric off his body and throws it on the floor. He moves his laptop a bit to get a good angle and then looks back at Leo.

“Mm, yeah,” Leo says. “That’s much better.” Blake reaches back down and starts to touch himself again. “I wish that was my hand touching you,” Leo says.

“Me too,” Blake says breathlessly.

Blake watches intently as Leo starts to stroke himself, matching Blake’s tempo. They just stare at each other for a while, breathing quickly.

“I want you to fuck me,” Blake moans. “Tell me how you would fuck me.”

“I would, I would grab your wrists and pin you down and pound you into the mattress,” Leo says.

“Please,” Blake says desperately.

“And I wouldn’t stop until you were screaming my name. I wouldn’t even have to touch your cock for you to completely unravel underneath me.”

Blake squeezes his eyes shut, stroking himself quickly, worried that if he keeps looking at Leo he’ll come right there.

“Look at me,” Leo says. The way his voice is commanding and low makes Blake shudder. Blake opens his eyes and looks back at Leo, panting.

“I’m, fuck, I’m close,” Blake says.

“Me too,” Leo says.

“I think about you whenever I do this,” Blake says. “Whenever I get myself off. You’re all I think about.”

Leo moans and Blake watches his hand as his rhythm falters.

“I want you,” Blake says. He can feel the heat pooling in his stomach, can feel himself about to lose control. “Fuck, Leo,” he cries out as he comes in his hand.

Leo groans and he moves his hand faster and faster until he finishes. Blake feels his cock twitch one last time as he watches. They both sit there for a moment, looking at each other, breathing heavily.

“That was really good,” Leo says after a while. Blake nods, his head still a bit fuzzy.

“Thank god for Skype,” Blake says with a sleepy smile.

***

Blake is over at Alec’s apartment, trying to forget how much he misses Leo over more than a few drinks.

“Alec,” Blake says, setting his shot glass down.

“What?” Alec asks looking up from his phone.

“Fuck me.”

“Blake, come on,” Alec says with a sigh. “You know I can’t do that.”

“Please?”

“No, Blake. We can’t. It would kill Leo if he found out. I’m not doing that to him. Not again.”

“Alec, I’m so fucking horny. I just, I need to be fucked.”

“You should go to bed,” Alec says, standing up. “Come on.”

“Would you at least toss me off?” Blake asks pleadingly. Alec shakes his head.

“I’m not doing that.”

“Can I suck your cock? Or just kiss you? Anything? Please? God, Alec, I’m so fucking desperate.”

“You can go to bed.”

Blake makes a pouty face but stands up and follows Alec to the bedroom.

“I could text Leo,” Blake says, walking over to the bed. “Maybe he would say it was ok.”

“It’s late. He’s probably asleep. And I doubt he’d want to wake up to a text from you asking permission to have sex with me.”

Blake sits down on the bed and looks at Alec for a while, his eyes roaming up and down the other boy’s body. They make eye contact and Alec raises his eyebrows.

“Are you gonna just stare at me or are you gonna go to sleep?” Alec asks.

“I’m not tired,” Blake says. Alec walks over next to him and holds out his hand.

“Give me your glasses,” Alec says. “And lie down.”

Blake rolls his eyes but takes his glasses off and hands them to Alec. Alec places them on the bedside table and Blake lies down on his side, still watching Alec intently.

“Will you at least sleep here with me?” Blake asks, his eyes already heavy.

“I’m gonna sleep on the couch,” Alec says.

“It’s your bed.”

“Blake, don’t,” Alec says. He grabs the sheets and pulls them over Blake. “Leo will only be gone for a few more days. Just hang in there, ok?” Alec walks away from the bed and reaches for the light.

“Alec,” Blake says. Alec pauses, his hand hovering over the switch. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” Alec says with a sigh. “Sleep well.” He flips the light off and walks out of the room.

“Morning,” Blake says as he walks into Alec’s living room. Alec mumbles something that Blake can’t make out and pulls a blanket over his head. “Alec, it’s after noon,” Blake says. “You should get up.”

Alec sighs and sits up on the couch, the blanket falling into his lap. He stretches and rubs his eyes before turning to Blake.

“You sleep ok?” Alec asks.

“Yeah. Sorry about last night.”

“It’s fine. I know it’s been hard with Leo gone.”

“I just miss him so much. And not just the sex. This is like the longest I’ve gone without seeing him in probably a year or more.”

“How many more days?” Alec asks.

“Three.” Blake pauses. “It feels like forever though. I mean, we’ve been talking on the phone and Skyping and stuff, but it isn’t the same.”

“Yeah.”

“Thanks for being a good friend last night,” Blake says. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

***

Blake wakes up to a text from Leo: parents just gave me back my keys. Blake immediately responds: please come over. It’s a minute or two before Leo replies: on my way ;)

Blake gets up and gets dressed, then makes himself a bowl of cereal. Leo doesn’t live particularly far away but every minute Blake has to wait is agonizing. He finishes his cereal and washes the bowl and spoon then sits on his couch and scrolls through his phone for a while until Leo calls. He answers on the first ring.

“You here?” he asks.

“Yep,” Leo replies. Blake jumps up from the couch and presses the button on his wall to buzz Leo in.

“See you in a minute,” Blake says.

“See ya,” Leo replies before hanging up.

Blake stands by the door for the couple of minutes it takes for Leo to ride the elevator up, staring at the door in anticipation. He jumps a bit when Leo knocks even though he’s expecting it, and then pulls the door open.

“Fuck, I missed you,” Blake says, pulling Leo into a hug.

“I missed you too,” Leo says.

Blake pulls away and lets Leo walk into the apartment, but he keeps his hand wrapped around Leo’s arm. Leo pulls the door shut behind him.

“I came as quickly as I could,” Leo says. “My dad gave me my keys and I practically ran out the door. I’m sure he wasn’t too pleased about that.”

Blake laughs.

“Especially if he guessed where you were going,” Blake says.

“I think he’d have to be pretty dense not to,” Leo replies.

Blake pulls Leo’s arm to bring him closer and kisses him. He feels Leo’s lips curl into a smile for a moment before he kisses back. Blake pulls away and puts his hand on Leo’s cheek.

“I’ve been thinking about this moment,” Blake says. “Fantasizing about seeing you again. God, I want you so bad.”

“I know,” Leo says. “I’ve been thinking about you every day.”

“Fuck, I can’t wait any more,” Blake says. “I need you to fuck me right now.”

Leo laughs and follows Blake to his bedroom. By the time Leo closes the door Blake is already half naked and undoing the button on his jeans. They both get undressed and Blake hands Leo lube and a condom before lying down on the bed. Leo climbs on top of Blake and kisses him. Blake pushes his hips up into Leo and groans.

“Leo, I need you inside me,” he says desperately. “Right fucking now.”

“You don’t want to do any foreplay?” Leo asks.

“Do we need to?” Blake replies.

“I mean, I guess not,” Leo says hesitantly. “If you’re ok….”

“Please.”

Leo nods and pulls back, sitting up slightly. He coats his hand in lube and slides a finger into Blake. Blake digs his fingers into Leo’s back.

“Fuck, that feels so good,” Blake moans.

Leo preps Blake as quickly as he can and rolls on a condom. He gasps slightly as he pushes in.

“You ok?” Blake asks. Leo nods quickly.

“Yeah. You’re just tight. But it’s good. Really good. Fuck, I forgot how good this feels.”

Blake squeezes his eyes shut and groans, incredibly turned on by the fact that he can make Leo feel so good. He pulls on Leo’s shoulders to bring him closer and kisses him desperately. He isn’t sure how long he’ll be able to last; his whole body already feels like it’s on fire.  

“Faster,” Blake says between gasping breaths.

Leo nods and starts moving faster. Blake can barely catch his breath with every thrust sending waves of pleasure through him. He digs his fingers into Leo’s back, hard enough that he’s pretty sure it’ll leave marks. Leo moves his hand between them and grasps Blake’s cock.

“Fuck,” Blake says. “Careful. I’m gonna come.”

Leo moans and his movements falter for a second. He moves his hand up and down slowly, just enough to put Blake on the edge of orgasm.

“I don’t think I can last much longer,” Leo says, panting.

Blake wraps his legs around Leo’s waist, pulling him closer, and catches his lips in a deep, messy kiss. Leo tightens his grip around Blake and moves his hand faster until Blake cries out and comes in his hand. Leo follows shortly after, burying his head against Blake’s neck and moaning.

They stay wrapped together for a moment before Leo moves to the side and curls up against Blake. Blake pushes Leo’s hair out of his face, letting his hand linger against Leo’s forehead for a moment. Leo smiles at him.

“I missed you,” Leo says.

“I missed you too. I was going crazy without you,” Blake replies. He pauses and looks at Leo for a few seconds. “I tried to get Alec to fuck me. I was so desperate. But we didn’t do anything.”

“Why are you telling me that?” Leo asks, wrinkling his face slightly.

“I’m trying to work on communicating,” Blake replies. Leo sighs.

“I appreciate the effort,” he says. “But if nothing happened, I don’t need to know.” He brushes his hand against Blake’s cheek. “I’m glad you didn’t do anything with him.”

“Me too,” Blake says. “I was drunk and I missed you so much. But now you’re here. And I love you.”

“I love you too,” Leo says, wrapping his arms around Blake’s neck and kissing him.

Chapter Text

Alec is out the door of the rehearsal studio and halfway down the block when Leo runs up next to him.

“Hey,” Leo says, slightly out of breath.

“Hey,” Alec replies. He keeps walking, eyes trained on the sidewalk in front of him.

“You’ve been avoiding me,” Leo says.

“No I haven’t.”

“Really? Then why haven’t I talked to you outside of practice in weeks? You know I texted you like, I don’t know, three or four times while I was grounded,” Leo says.

Alec sighs and stops walking, turning to look at Leo.

“Ok, yeah, maybe I was avoiding you a little,” Alec says. “I figured you didn’t want to talk to me.” He pauses. “I mean, I know you texted me and stuff, but like, I don’t know.”

“Can I come back to your place?” Leo asks. “I’m assuming you’re going home now.”

“Don’t you have to drive Finn or something?”

“Blake said he’d take him home,” Leo replies. Alec raises his eyebrows.

“That’s a first.”

“Yeah, well, he owes me,” Leo says with a small smile.

“I guess you can come over if you want.”

“You want anything to drink?” Alec asks as soon as they’re inside his apartment.

“Water would be good,” Leo replies.

Alec nods and walks off to his kitchen. Leo sits down on the couch and waits. He hasn’t been to Alec’s apartment in months and he feels awkward sitting there, staring at the mostly blank walls. He thinks that if it weren’t for the clutter on the coffee table, it wouldn’t really look like anyone lived here at all.

Alec walks back into the living room with two cups and hands one to Leo before sitting down across from him. Alec takes a sip of his drink before setting it on an end table.

“So,” Alec says. He looks at Leo, waiting for him to say something. Leo takes a deep breath.

“I’m not mad at you, you know,” Leo says. He pauses for a few moments, but Alec doesn’t reply. “I don’t want things to be weird between us because of this.”

“You know I wouldn’t have slept with him if I had known it would make you upset,” Alec says.

“Yeah,” Leo says softly. “I know. Blake told me he tried to get you to sleep with him again while I was gone and that you said no.”

“I’m surprised he told you that,” Alec replies.

“He said he’s trying to work on communication,” Leo says. “I kind of wish he hadn’t told me though, if I’m being honest. Like, if you hadn’t said no, he would’ve done it. Even though he knew how upset I was the first time.”

“He wanted to text you,” Alec says. “After I said no. He said he would text you and ask if it was ok.”

“God, I can’t even imagine how to reply to that,” Leo says.

"Yeah. Not his brightest idea. He was awfully drunk though.”

“I just don’t understand him sometimes. He’s really smart, but he does some of the stupidest things I can imagine,” Leo says.

“I don’t see how you put up with it,” Alec says. “The sex must be incredible.”

Leo feels his face getting warm and he looks at the ground, avoiding eye contact.

“I mean, we’ve known each other for years. He can be an asshole sometimes, but he’s always been there for me,” Leo says. “And yeah, it certainly doesn’t hurt that he’s amazing in bed.”

“I was surprised,” Alec says. “I mean, I shouldn’t have been. He’s certainly had a lot of practice. I guess I just didn’t think I’d like being with another guy.” He pauses for a second. “Sorry. I’m sure you’d rather not hear about it.”

“No, it’s fine. I don’t want to pretend it didn’t happen.” Leo picks up his cup of water from the table and takes a sip. “Do you think you would sleep with him again? I mean, if it weren’t for me?”

“I don’t know,” Alec says. He thinks about it for a moment. “Maybe. I mean, it was really good sex. I think if it were entirely casual I would do it. But anything else just seems exhausting to deal with.”

"Yeah,” Leo says. “It can be.”

“And you two aren’t even like, together, right?” Alec asks. “That’s what Blake told me anyway.”

“He did?” Leo asks. He knows that they’re not, that they’ve never had that conversation. But it still stings to hear Alec say it.

“Well, he said it was complicated or something. I don’t know.”

“Yeah,” Leo says softly. “I mean we’ve never talked about it really.”

“Look, I’m not saying it was ok for him to sleep with me, but if you never talked about it, I can see why he thought it wouldn’t be an issue. Maybe he didn’t think it was as serious as you did.”

Leo bites his lip. Blake had told him that he had feelings for him when this all started. But what did that even mean? Leo had assumed it meant that this was all about more than just sex, and the idea that he might have been wrong about that makes him want to cry.

“Sorry,” Alec says. “It’s not really my business.”

“It’s fine,” Leo says. “You deserve some kind of explanation after getting wrapped up in all of this.” He pauses. “But we’re good now, yeah? No more avoiding me and being awkward?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Alec replies.

***

Blake and Leo are sitting together on Blake’s couch, looking at their phones. Blake is leaning against Leo slightly, and when he looks up and catches his eye, he takes the opportunity to kiss him. Leo kisses back, but only briefly before pulling away.

Blake goes back to looking at his phone, but he can’t help but feel a little upset. They’ve spent as much time together this past week as they normally do, but Leo has seemed more distant, especially physically.

“Did I do something wrong?” Blake asks.

“What?” Leo says, putting his phone down to look at Blake, “No, you didn’t do anything,”

“Then why won’t you fuck me?” Blake says. “Look, I get it if you’re not in the mood or whatever. But it’s been almost a week and every single time I try to initiate something you shut me down immediately. If you don’t want to sleep with me anymore, please just tell me. Because it really fucking hurts to get rejected over and over by someone you thought was attracted to you.”

“I am attracted to you,” Leo says. He takes a deep breath. “I’m sorry. Just, I was talking with Alec, and he said something that implied that he thought you only wanted to be with me for the sex. And I know it’s dumb and I should’ve just talked to you, but I wanted to see if you would still want to spend time with me if we weren’t sleeping together.”

“Alec needs to mind his own fucking business,” Blake says. He sighs. “I mean, yeah, sex is really important to me. But that’s not all I care about. I care about being with you. I don’t think you understand how much I love just sleeping next to you. Or watching shitty TV together. Or listening to you play piano. I love you, Leo. And I’m sorry if I ever made you doubt that.”

Leo looks at him for a few moments, and Blake’s heart flutters. Then Leo leans in and kisses him. And this time, he doesn’t pull away.

***

“What was it like sleeping with Alec?” Leo asks. Blake looks at him for a moment without responding then shakes his head.

“Yeah, no, I’m not gonna answer that.”

“I’m not mad about it anymore,” Leo says. “I’m just curious. Wouldn’t you be curious if I’d slept with him?”

“Yeah, but I also wouldn’t have had a problem with it if you did. So I think it’s a bit different.”

“You wouldn’t have any problem with me sleeping with him?” Leo asks, raising his eyebrows.

“No,” Blake says. “Why, are you gonna?”

“Well, that depends, was he good in bed?” Leo asks with a smirk.

“I know you’re joking, but I’m serious, I wouldn’t care,” Blake says. “Honestly, it’d be kinda hot.”

“Me cheating on you with Alec would be hot?”

“It wouldn’t be cheating if I said it was ok,” Blake says, rolling his eyes. “And yeah. I mean, you’re both super attractive, so like, the two of you together? I don’t know, it just sounds really hot. Obviously it’d be even better if it was like a threesome, but still.”

“You’re ridiculous, you know that?” Leo says.

“All I’m saying is, if you ever have sex with Alec, please either tell me about it or let me be there.”

“I’m not gonna have sex with him, Jesus Christ. I just wanted to know what it was like. Like if it was better than with me.”

“That’s what this is about?” Blake asks. “You’re worried he’s better in bed than you? Because I’m only sleeping with one of you now, so I think that should tell you all you need to know, ok?”

“You told me you would’ve slept with him again if he hadn’t said no, even when you knew I didn’t want you to,” Leo replies. “It’s hard not to feel a little insecure about that.”

“I was drunk,” Blake says. “I know that’s not a good excuse and it was a shitty thing to do and I feel awful about it, ok? I’m sorry.”

“I just thought it would make me feel better if I knew what exactly happened, you know? Because otherwise I build it up in my head like something I can never compare to.”

“I’ll tell you if you really want,” Blake says. “But you have to promise not to be mad at me.”

“I won’t be,” Leo says. Blake nods, but he still pauses for a few moments before speaking again.

“I mean, it was really good,” Blake says. “But I was also decently drunk, so I haven’t got the best memory of everything.”

“You were drunk?” Leo asks, sounding slightly concerned.

"Yeah. But he didn’t like, take advantage of me or anything. I’d told him I’d do it before when I was sober, so he knew I was serious about it. And I wasn’t that drunk.”

“Wait, so you told him you’d do it before you actually slept together?” Leo asks, confused. “The way you talked about it made it sound like it was kind of a spur of the moment thing.”

Blake hesitates, trying to decide how much he wants to tell Leo.

“We made out the first time I offered,” Blake finally says. “But that was it. And then I just kept thinking about it, about how he said he wanted to try having sex with a guy. And, and I wanted him to fuck me, ok? I really, really wanted it.”

Leo doesn’t say anything and Blake can’t quite tell what he’s thinking. But he doesn’t seem mad, so Blake figures he wants him to explain things a bit more.

“I used to have a crush on him. Like way back before he started actually hanging out with us. And then I got to know him, and I accepted that nothing was ever gonna happen between us. And then he fucking tells me he might be into guys and, god, it was like something out of 16-year-old me’s fantasies. I just couldn’t stop thinking about it.”

“I didn’t know you had a crush on him,” Leo says softly.

“Nobody did. I hope,” Blake says. He pauses for a second. “But yeah. The first time, we made out and he decided he didn’t want to do more then, so we stopped. And I wasn’t gonna ask him again, because I figured he decided he wasn’t really into it, and I didn’t want to get turned down. But then I was drunk and at his apartment and it was all I wanted to do. So I asked him, and he said yes.”

“Was he also drunk?”

“When is he not?”

“I mean, more than usual.”

“I guess,” Blake says. “We had been out at a bar for a bit before that. But I can never really tell with him.”

“Yeah.”

They’re both quiet for a while. Blake knows Leo wants him to keep talking, but he doesn’t know how much he wants to tell him. Even now, he feels like he might have said too much.

“So, then you had sex?” Leo asks, trying to prompt Blake. Blake nods.

“I mean, there was some foreplay or whatever first. We made out for a bit, I sucked him off, and then he fucked me.”

“And it was good?”

“I mean, yeah. He told me he was kinda nervous since it was his first time with a guy and he was a bit hesitant about things at first, but once we got into it, it was really, really good.”

Blake pauses, remembering that night. He’s thought about it fairly often, but he isn’t sure what Leo would want to hear. So he decides not to give any more details. Leo doesn’t say anything and Blake can that it bothers him a bit that Blake said it was good. Blake sighs.

“But it was just sex,” he says. “Yeah, it was good, and yeah, he’s really hot, but so are you, you know? And the thing is, it’s not just about sex anyway. I want to be with you for all kinds of reasons outside of you being good in bed.”

Leo nods slowly.

"Thanks,” he says after a moment of silence. “For telling me. It does make me feel a bit better about things.”

“I love you,” Blake says.

“I love you too.”

Chapter Text

Blake gets a text from Leo: hey are you home rn? He types back: yeah. Leo starts typing immediately: ok good, me and Finn and Alec are gonna come over.

About thirty minutes later they all show up. Leo is carrying a box and Alec and Finn have a few bags each.

“We brought stuff,” Leo says.

“Uh, yeah,” Blake says, “I can see that.”

They set everything down on the floor of Blake’s living room and Leo opens the box.

“We got you a fake Christmas tree,” Leo says. He pulls the pieces of the tree out of the box. “We’re gonna set it up and decorate it. Can I put on music?”

“Um, sure. Yeah,” Blake says.

Leo connects his phone to Blake’s speaker and starts playing Christmas songs. He grabs one of the bags from the floor and dumps the contents on the floor.

“We got lights and some ornaments and stuff,” Leo says. “And,” he grabs another bag and pulls out a sweater, “ugly sweaters for everyone to wear.”

“I tried to convince him not to buy those,” Alec says.

“I think they’re fun,” Finn says.

“They are fun,” Leo says. He tosses the sweater to Finn and pulls out two more before passing them out to Blake and Alec. Blake holds up the sweater, it’s black and red and says ‘On The Naughty List.’

“Wow,” Blake says. “This sure is something.” Leo laughs.

“I thought it was fitting,” Leo says.

He unfolds his own sweater, green and red striped with a reindeer on it, and pulls it over his head. He looks expectantly at everyone else. Finn puts his on and after a moment Blake does too.

“Do we really have to do this?” Alec asks.

“It’s Christmas, come on,” Leo replies.

“Christmas isn’t for like a week,” Alec says, but he puts his sweater on anyway.

Leo grabs the last bag and hands a box of cookies, a carton of eggnog, and a bottle of brandy to Alec.

“We also got cookies and eggnog,” Leo says.

“And alcohol,” Alec adds. “All the shit at the grocery store is non-alcoholic. So we’re spiking it ourselves.”

“It’s nice to see we’re doing festive alcoholism today,” Blake says.

“Fuck off,” Alec says. “We’re trying to be nice.”

“Why exactly are we doing this?” Blake asks.

“Well,” Leo says, “we figured you wouldn’t be doing anything to celebrate Christmas this year since you’re living alone. So we thought it would be nice to have our own little Christmas with the four of us. We’re gonna decorate the tree today and then we can all come over on Christmas and do gifts and stuff.”

Blake hadn’t thought much about what he was going to do for Christmas. He had assumed everyone else would be with their families and he would just treat it like another normal day. He never would have asked anyone to come over; it just seemed like asking too much.

“That sounds nice,” Blake says after a moment. “Thanks.”

Blake helps Leo set up the tree while Finn unwraps the lights and takes the ornaments out of their packages. Alec goes to Blake’s kitchen and pours everyone drinks.

“Who wants alcohol in theirs?” Alec asks.

“I think I’m gonna need some if I have to wear this sweater,” Blake says. Leo looks at him and makes an exaggerated sad face.

“Finn? Leo?” Alec asks.

“No thanks,” Finn says.

“I’m good,” Leo says. “Besides, I have to drive.”

Alec brings everyone drinks and puts out a plate with cookies on it while Leo puts the last piece of the tree together.

“Lights?” Leo asks.

Finn hands him the end of the string of lights and they wrap them around the tree and turn them on. Blake grabs a cookie shaped like a snowman and takes a sip of his drink.

“That looks really nice,” he says.

“You’re gonna love the ornaments we got,” Leo replies. “Half of them were on clearance and they’re adorably ugly.” Leo picks one up, a reindeer with a terribly painted face, and hands it to Blake. “You put the first one on,” Leo says.

Blake takes it and finds a spot on the tree. Everyone else sifts through all the ornaments and grabs one. Leo holds up a dinosaur wearing a Santa hat.

“This one is my favorite,” he says.

They keep putting up ornaments until they run out and the tree is covered. Leo hands Blake a plastic star and Blake puts it on top of the tree.

“And you can keep all this stuff,” Leo says. “So we can do this next year too.” He pauses for a second and looks at the tree. “We should take a picture together,” he says.

“Absolutely not,” Alec says. “I’m wearing the sweater, that’s all you’re gonna get from me.”

“Here,” Finn says, pulling out his phone, “I’ll take a picture of you and Blake.”

Leo grabs Blake’s arm and pulls him in front of the tree then wraps his arm around Blake’s shoulders.

“Smile,” Finn says, and then takes a few photos.

“Will you send me those?” Leo asks. “I wanna put something up on instagram.”

“Oh my god,” Blake says.

“Come on, people will think it’s cute,” Leo says. Blake sighs.

“Fine.”

They sit in Blake’s living room for a while, listening to music and talking. Alec refills everyone’s drinks a few times and the combination of alcohol and everything else makes Blake feel happier than he has in a while. He leans his head on Leo’s shoulder.

“Thanks for all this,” he says. “You guys are the best.” Leo smiles and kisses the top of Blake’s head.

“Of course,” Leo says.

“It’s getting kind of late,” Finn says, looking at his phone. “I hate to break this up, but I should really get home.”

“Alec, would you mind driving him?” Leo asks. “I was hoping to stay a bit longer.” He pauses for a second. “Are you ok to drive?”

“Yeah, I’m good,” Alec says. He turns to Finn. “Let’s go.”

They both get up and walk to the door. Finn waves goodbye to Blake and Leo as they walk out and Leo waves back.

Blake and Leo are halfway through watching a movie when Blake’s phone rings.

“It’s Cam,” he says to Leo. “Pause the movie.”

Leo nods and hits the pause button and Blake answers his phone.

“Hey, what’s up?” he says.

“Hello, Blake,” Cam says. “Do you know where Leo is?” Blake glances over at Leo sitting next to him.

“Uh, yeah, he’s here with me right now.” Leo raises his eyebrows.

“Great. I tried calling him, but he didn’t pick up.”

“Oh, um, we’re watching a movie. He must have his phone on silent or something. Do you want me to have him call you?”

“Actually, I wanted to talk to both of you, so this is perfect. Can you put me on speaker?”

“Sure, one sec.” Blake puts his phone down on the coffee table and hits the button for speaker. “Ok, you’re on speaker.”

“Hi, Cam,” Leo says.

“Hi, Leo. Sorry to interrupt, but I need to talk to you two about a few things.”

“Oh, ok. Is everything alright?” Leo asks.

“Well, yes, mostly. You’re not in trouble or anything,” Cam says. “But, I saw that you posted a picture of you and Blake together.”

“Yeah,” Leo says.

“Have you looked at the comments you’ve gotten?” Cam asks.

“No,” Leo says. “We’ve been busy.”

“Well, it seems like a lot of people are interpreting the picture as some kind of proof of you and Blake being in a relationship.” Cam pauses. “We’ve discussed this before; what you two do privately is none of my business. But publicly, it’s a different story.”

“It’s just a picture,” Blake says. “It’s not like we were doing anything. Friends can take pictures together.”

“I know,” Cam says. “But you need to be more careful with how you present yourselves. Especially after everything that’s happened. I’m not saying you should take it down, that would be suspicious, but in the future keep that in mind, ok?”

“I don’t get why it’s such a big deal if people think we’re together,” Leo says. Cam sighs.

“We want to keep your public image as uncontroversial as possible. Implying that there’s something between you two could alienate part of your audience. Especially because of Blake’s relationship with Emily. It’s too risky.”

“So, what, we’re not allowed to be friendly with each other anymore?” Blake asks.

“That’s not what I said. I know you two are close, and I’m not saying you have to act totally distant from each other. Just, be conscious of what you’re doing. Think about how it would look from an outside perspective.”

“Ok,” Leo says softly. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine Leo. I’m not mad. I’m just trying to do what’s best for you,” Cam says. “I’ll let you two get back to your movie. I might text all of you later about meeting sometime soon, ok?”

“Ok,” Leo says.

“Alright, bye,” Cam says, then he hangs up.

Leo and Blake sit quietly for a moment. Blake looks at Leo; he’s staring at the table in front of them, his eyes sad.

“You ok?” Blake asks.

“I guess,” Leo says.

“It’s just PR bullshit, yeah? It’s stupid.”

“I know.”

Blake isn’t sure what else to say, and Leo doesn’t seem like he wants to talk about it, so Blake picks up the TV remote and starts the movie again. After a few minutes, he leans against Leo and Leo wraps his arm around him, holding him close.

Chapter Text

As soon as they walk out of the room after the interview, Leo grabs Blake’s hand and pulls him away from everyone else. Cam looks at them quizzically.

“I forgot something in the dressing room,” Leo says.

Blake thinks about asking why Leo wants him to come with him, but he’s pretty sure he knows where this is going, so he doesn’t say anything. Cam just nods and lets them walk off together without pressing the issue.

As soon as the door to the dressing room closes, Leo pushes Blake up against the wall and kisses him hard, shoving his tongue into Blake’s mouth. Blake moans and Leo pulls away slightly, his mouth close to Blake’s ear.

“Shhh,” Leo whispers. “We wouldn’t want anyone to hear us, would we?”

“No,” Blake says breathlessly.

“Good,” Leo replies.

He pins Blake against the wall and Blake can feel Leo’s erection pressing against his thigh. Blake grasps onto Leo’s shoulders tightly, his head already buzzing with arousal.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice you flirting out there,” Leo says, his voice low. “You’re such a slut.” He pushes his hips against Blake and Blake bites his lip hard. “But you’re mine,” Leo says, his lips brushing against Blake’s ear. Blake feels a shiver run down his spine.

“Fuck me,” Blake moans. “Oh god, please fuck me.”

“Oh, I will,” Leo says mischievously. “I’m going to pound you into this wall until you can barely walk. And you’re going to be quiet the whole time I do it.”

Blake clenches his fists and whimpers, desperately trying not to make too much noise.

“I’m assuming you have what we need,” Leo says, moving away from Blake slightly.

Blake nods and pulls his wallet out of his pocket. He grabs a small packet of lube and a condom. This isn’t the first time they’ve done something like this, and it only took once for Blake to start carrying supplies with him everywhere, just in case. Leo grabs the packets from Blake and puts them in his pocket.

“Turn around,” Leo commands.

Blake turns away from Leo and places his palms against the wall, spreading his legs slightly. Leo reaches around Blake’s waist and unbuttons his jeans before tugging them down his thighs along with his boxers. Blake tenses slightly at the cold air against him, but then Leo rests his hands on Blake’s hips and he relaxes.

Leo grinds against Blake for a moment, kissing the back of Blake’s neck before moving away and undoing his own pants. Blake waits for Leo, his legs shaking slightly, then gasps as Leo slips a lube-coated finger inside him.

Blake leans his forehead against the wall, trying to control his breathing. He knows he needs to be quiet, but Leo is moving much faster than usual, and he can’t stop himself from moaning when Leo enters him.

“Quiet,” Leo whispers harshly. “They’ll hear us.”

Blake bites his lip, trying to stop himself from crying out as Leo thrusts hard and fast into him. Leo grips onto Blake’s hips, digging his fingers into Blake’s skin, and leans in, his breath hot against the back of Blake’s neck.

“You love this, don’t you?” Leo says. “You love my cock inside you.”

“Yes,” Blake moans softly. “Fuck. Yes.”

“Do you think anyone else can fuck you like this?” Leo asks. “Do you think anyone else can make you feel this good?”

“No,” Blake says, struggling to keep his voice down. “No one else can fuck me like you do. I need you.”

Leo tightens his grip on Blake and thrusts faster and harder, burying his face against the back of Blake’s neck. Blake feels like he could cry from the intensity, the sensations just wavering on the edge of pain. He bites down hard on his lip, trying to stifle his moan as he comes. Leo follows a few seconds later and both of them collapse, panting, against the wall.

They take a moment to collect themselves before Leo moves away, tossing the condom in a trashcan and pulling his pants back up. He grabs some tissues and hands them to Blake, who’s still leaning heavily against the wall.

“You ok?” Leo asks. Blake nods.

“Yeah. Just… fuck.”

Leo kisses him gently, tracing the outline of his jaw his thumb.

“I love you,” Leo says.

“I love you too.”

Blake takes a moment to clean up and collect himself. He winces slightly as he walks toward the door.

“You sure you’re alright?” Leo asks.

“I’m good,” Blake says. “I’m gonna be sore tomorrow though.”

“Sorry,” Leo says. “I should’ve been more gentle.” Blake laughs.

“No,” he says. “That was perfect.”

Leo smiles and kisses Blake again before they walk out of the room. They find Cam, Alec, and Finn down the hall waiting for them by the exit.

“Ready to go?” Cam asks.

“Yep,” Leo says.

Blake can’t tell if Cam is really oblivious to what happened or if he’s just choosing to ignore it, but either way he doesn’t say anything as they walk out of the building. Blake lags behind everyone slightly, trying to ignore the slight pain shooting through him as he walks. Alec slows down to stay next to him.

“So,” Alec says, raising his eyebrows. “Did Leo find what he was looking for?”

“Shut up,” Blake says, staring at the ground. Alec laughs.

***

Blake grabs his guitar case out of the back seat of his car and walks up to the rehearsal studio. He walks down to the end of the hall and opens the door.

“You’re twenty minutes late,” Finn says as Blake walks in.

“Sorry,” Blake says. He doesn’t bother to offer an excuse. He starts setting up his guitar, plugging it into an amp and tuning it.

“You look nice,” Leo says. “I don’t think I’ve seen you wear a collared shirt since we graduated.”

“Oh, yeah,” Blake says, tugging on the collar of his shirt. “I’m taking Emily out to dinner after this. You know, Valentine’s Day and all that.”

“That’s nice,” Finn says.

“Yeah, well, I figured I’ve been a pretty shitty boyfriend this year, so I ought to do something nice for her. Fancy dinner, send her some flowers and a card, that kind of thing.”

“Are you doing anything for Leo?” Alec asks.

“You know, we’re not like, dating,” Leo says quickly. “He doesn’t have to do anything for me.”

“Oh,” Alec says. “So you two are just fucking?”

“We’re not just… look, we really don’t need to have this conversation right now, ok?” Blake says. “We’re supposed to be practicing and writing new songs and shit. Not doing whatever this is. Besides it’s none of your business anyway.”

“Fine,” Alec says. “Whatever.”

“Hey, Leo, can I talk to you real quick?” Blake asks as they pack their stuff up.

“Yeah, sure,” Leo replies. He turns to Finn. “I’ll meet you outside, ok?”

“Ok,” Finn says.

Finn grabs a few things and follows Alec out the door, leaving Blake and Leo alone.

“What’s up?” Leo asks. “Is this about what Alec said?”

“No. Well, kind of I guess,” Blake says. “I just was wondering if you wanted to do something tomorrow night. Like go out to dinner. I know it’s not Valentine’s Day and I know we’re not dating but just, if you wanted to, I thought I would offer.”

“Blake, you don’t have to do this. I really didn’t expect anything. I mean, I didn’t get you anything either. It’s not a big deal.”

“No, I know. I’m not just trying to be nice or whatever. I really would like to do something. But it’s fine if you don’t want to. I get it.” Blake pauses for a second. “We’re not just fucking, right?” he says softly.

“Let’s get dinner,” Leo says. Blake smiles. “But nowhere super fancy, ok?” Leo says. “You look really good, but also super uncomfortable.”

“I hate this shirt so much,” Blake says. “It’s like being back in school with the stupid uniforms all over again.” Blake glances at his phone. “Shit, I gotta go, I’m gonna be late. Emily’s gonna kill me. I’ll text you, ok?”

“Ok, sounds good,” Leo says.

Blake shoves his phone back in his pocket then pauses for a second before kissing Leo quickly.

“See you tomorrow,” Blake says as he walks out the door.

Leo stays in the room for a moment after Blake leaves. When he walks out the front door of the building Finn is standing there waiting for him.

“Everything alright?” Finn asks.

“Yeah,” Leo replies.

Finn just nods and follows Leo to his car quietly. Leo waits until he pulls out of his parking spot before saying anything.

“Blake just wanted to make sure we were good,” Leo says.

“Are you?” Finn asks.

“Yeah,” Leo replies. He pauses for a second. “Look, I know this is still kind of hard for you. I’m sorry. I’ve been trying not to bring it up.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Finn says. “I’m fine.”

“I know. It’s just weird. Blake is… I don’t know. You would think I would have been able to figure him out by now.”

“What do you mean?”

“I don’t know,” Leo says with a sigh. “It’s like, everything between us still feels so… ambiguous, I guess. Which is fine. But I’m never really sure what he wants us to be.” He pauses for a second. “I guess I’m not really sure what I want us to be either.”

“You could talk to him about it,” Finn suggests. But the way he says it is half-hearted, like he knows that’s not a real option.

“Yeah,” Leo says. “I could.”

After a few moments of silence, Leo turns the radio up, and they listen to the music for the rest of the drive.

Chapter Text

“Fuck,” Alec mutters under his breath as he tries to put the car keys in the ignition. “Fucking hell.”

“You ok?” Blake asks, glancing up from his phone.

“Yeah,” Alec says. “I’m fine I just can’t… the fucking keys….”

Blake watches him for a few seconds as he fumbles with the keys, his hands shaky and uncoordinated. He swears again, then the keys fall out of his hand and drop onto the floor. Alec sighs exasperatedly before picking them up. He’s about to try and put them in the ignition again, but Blake grabs his hand.

“I think you’re too drunk to drive,” Blake says. “Let me do it, ok?”

“It’s ok,” Alec says. He tries to pull his hand away.

“Alec, stop. Let me drive.”

“It’s fine. I’m fine.”

“Look at me,” Blake says. He tightens his grip on Alec’s hand until he looks up and meets his eyes. “How much did you drink?”

“I don’t know. It doesn’t fucking matter.”

“How. Much. Did. You. Drink?”

Alec’s eyes dart away and he pulls his hand back, hard.

“Fine. You drive.”

Blake holds out his hand and Alec drops the keys into his palm before opening the car door and getting out. Blake sees him stumble slightly as he stands up, but he catches himself quickly. Blake gets out of the car and walks over to the driver’s side.

He’s not entirely sober himself if he’s being honest, but he knows he’s better off than Alec is. If he was thinking more clearly, he might have tried to convince Alec to call a cab, but he knows Alec hates to leave his car places and he isn’t in the mood for an even bigger argument. It’s not a long drive to Alec’s apartment anyway and he reasons that Alec will be fine with letting him crash on his couch for the night.

Blake starts the car on his first try. He turns the radio down slightly and starts to adjust the seat and mirrors. Alec looks at him, clearly annoyed.

“You’re fucking it up,” he says.

“Alec, you’re taller than me, ok? I need to change the seat and mirrors or I won’t be able to drive.”

“Ugh,” Alec says, pressing his palms against his head. “I just wanna go home.”

“I’m trying,” Blake says. “Be quiet.”

***

Blake parks in front of Alec’s apartment building and sits in the car for a moment. It’s dark out even though it’s only just past five and the sky is clouded over. Blake knows he has to go inside, but he’s scared. Scared that Alec won’t be there, scared that something bad happened. But it’s been a week since he’s heard anything from him, and he can’t stand not knowing.

He walks up to the door and presses the call button for Alec’s apartment. It rings a few times, but Alec doesn’t pick up. Blake takes a deep breath and tries again, his hand shaking as he presses the number pad. Nothing. He considers leaving, but he doesn’t. Instead, he enters the door code. It clicks open and he breathes a sigh of relief that it hasn’t been changed since he was last here.

The elevator ride up to Alec’s floor feels far too long. Long enough that Blake starts to second-guess himself. If Alec is home, he chose not to answer for a reason. And if he isn’t there, Blake doesn’t know what else he can do.

When he gets to Alec’s door, he stands in front of it for a few moments, trying to build up the nerve to knock. Finally, he brings his fist up and knocks as loud as he can. He waits for a minute or two before he tries again.

“Alec,” he yells through the door. He keeps knocking. “Alec, come on. Please.”

He’s about to give up and leave when he hears a crashing sound from inside, followed by swearing. A few moments later the door opens a crack, the chain still holding it closed.

“Blake?” Alec says. He looks confused and disheveled. The inside of the apartment is dark, and Blake can’t make out anything more than the vague outline of Alec’s shape.

“Hey,” Blake says. “I’ve been trying to call you, but no one’s heard from you. We were getting really worried.”

Alec just stares at him without replying. He sighs and closes the door for a second to unlock it, then opens it just wide enough to step outside into the hallway. He’s wearing sweatpants and a wrinkled t-shirt and his hair is even messier than usual.

“I didn’t…” Alec says. He presses his palms against his eyes for a second then pulls them away and blinks a few times. “Sorry. My phone is dead. I didn’t know you called.”

“Your phone’s been dead for a week?” Blake asks incredulously.

“A week?” Alec repeats, looking confused.

“Yeah, a fucking week, Alec. I saw you at practice on Saturday and now,” Blake pulls out his phone and shows the screen to Alec. “It’s Saturday again. And I’ve gotten no texts, no calls, I haven’t seen you, you haven’t posted anything online. Nothing. In a week.”

“Fuck,” Alec mumbles. “I thought….” His voice trails off. Blake waits for him to finish the sentence, but he just stares blankly at the wall.

“You can’t disappear like that. I thought you were dead. And then I show up here and you’re so fucking out of it that you don’t even know what day it is.”

“I know what day it is. I just, I just woke up when you knocked and I was confused for a minute, ok?”

“It’s five pm,” Blake replies. “And I can tell when you’re lying to me.” Alec bites his lip and looks at the floor. “Can we not do this in the hallway?” Blake says. “Because I really think we need to talk.” Alec shakes his head.

“My apartment is a mess.”

“Alec, I don’t give a shit.”

“Look, I’ll talk to you tomorrow or something, ok? It’s not… it’s not a good time right now.”

“Why not?” Blake says, his tone slightly angry. “Because you have to go sit alone in your apartment and drink until you pass out?”

“You don’t get it,” Alec says, annoyed. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow.” He opens the door to his apartment.

“Just talk to me now,” Blake pleads.

“Goodbye, Blake.” Alec walks back into the dark apartment and swings the door shut behind him.

“Turn your fucking phone on,” Blake yells through the door.

He hears the deadbolt turn and the faint sound of Alec walking away from the door. He waits for a minute to see if he’ll come back but he doesn’t. Blake kicks the wall hard, wincing slightly at the impact, and then turns around and walks away.

Alec sits down heavily on his couch, staring at the floor. He doesn’t bother turning the lights on, the bright hallway lights are still burning in his eyes and his head is pounding. He can just barely make out the room around him from the dim lamplight of his bedroom spilling through the door.

He sits still for a few minutes, trying to focus through the dull ache in his head and the general fuzziness of everything. His phone. He needs to find his phone. He could have sworn he had it this morning, but he doesn’t remember any missed texts or calls and he wonders if he opened them earlier without remembering or if he never saw them at all.

The room feels a bit like it’s spinning around him and he can’t think right. Was it really a week? He had left the apartment yesterday to buy food and more alcohol, hadn’t he? It all feels so far away and he can’t place anything in his mind. What had he done between then and now? All he can hold onto are small scenes, bursts of memory that don’t seem to be tied to anything else.

“Focus,” he says softly to himself. Even his own voice sounds distant. “Focus, you piece of shit.”

He stands up and walks toward his room, stepping over a few bottles that he had knocked down when he went to answer the door. He hadn’t been lying when he told Blake that his apartment was a mess. Even if that wasn’t the real reason he didn’t want to let him in.

Back in his room, he walks up to the bed and pulls the crumpled sheets off. He shakes them around until his phone falls out onto the floor with a dull thud. He tosses the sheets back onto his bed and picks the phone up. Dead. Another thing that’s true but not the real truth. He sighs and plugs it into the charger.

While he waits for it to turn back on, he sits on his bed and grabs a cup from his bedside table. It’s empty, so he just stares into it for a moment, thinking. His phone lights up, but doesn’t show him anything besides the low battery screen. He takes the cup and walks into the bathroom, placing it under the faucet and filling it with water.

As he’s leaving, he briefly glances at his reflection in the mirror. Even in the dim light he can tell he looks bad. He runs his fingers across his face and then through his hair before deciding that he should take a shower. He closes his eyes as he walks out of the bathroom, then flips the light on behind him so his eyes can adjust a bit to the brightness before he has to go back in.

He sits back on his bed and drinks the water quickly. He hates drinking water, especially when he feels this bad, but he knows he needs to. He turns his phone on again, but it’s still not charged enough to do anything.

It’s been long enough since his last drink that he’s starting to feel shaky and nauseous. He picks up a mostly empty vodka bottle and holds it for a second. When did he buy this? When did he open it? He sets it back down without pouring any into the cup. Shower first.

He takes a deep breath and stands up, trying to ignore the way everything feels like it’s spinning around him. He pulls his shirt off and tosses it onto the floor next to his other dirty clothes, then does the same with his pants and boxers. It’s been far too long since he’s done laundry, but he can’t even begin to think about doing it now. Everything already feels impossible.

After he goes into the bathroom and turns the shower on, he waits for it to warm up, leaning heavily against the wall. He catches his reflection in the mirror again and he stares at the glass for a while, but he doesn’t recognize himself. He can’t imagine that the person in the mirror is him. Eventually, the mirror fogs up with steam and he sighs before stepping into the shower.

The water is too hot and it stings as it hits his back, but he doesn’t change the temperature. Even if it hurts, at least it feels like something. He stands there, one hand against the wall for balance, until he can’t bear it anymore and he turns the shower knob. Once the water cools down, he just feels numb.

He runs one hand through his hair, untangling the wavy strands and letting the water wash through them. He lets go of the wall to grab the shampoo bottle, but he stumbles slightly, only barely catching himself against the wall again. The bottle clatters to the ground and spins for a moment on the slippery floor before stopping.

“Fuck.”

He slides his hand down the wall and lowers himself onto the ground. The tile is cold, but he doesn’t trust his balance. It takes him another minute or two of just sitting there before he remembers what he’s supposed to be doing. He sighs and picks up the bottle.

The entire time he’s in the shower he feels detached from his own body, like he’s watching someone else go through the motions of cleaning themself. He closes his eyes, listening to the water rushing around him, trying to ground himself in the moment, to feel real, but he can’t. Everything is too dull and far away.

By the time he gets dried off and dressed, he knows he needs another drink or he’ll throw up. He sits on his bed and fills his cup with vodka, not bothering to estimate how much it is. It’s not like it matters. He brings it to his lips and takes a deep breath before drinking as much as he can before the taste hits his tongue.

He sets the cup down and lies back on his bed, trying to decide if it’s worth it to eat something. He doesn’t remember the last time he ate, but he doesn’t really remember much of anything these past few days, so that doesn’t tell him a lot. After thinking for a minute, he decides to wait until the alcohol hits him and he doesn’t feel quite so awful.

He picks up his phone from the bedside table; it’s finally charged enough to work. The amount of notifications is overwhelming, although half of them are from Blake or Cam asking him where he is. He reads a few messages, mostly from people he doesn’t want to talk to. Not that there’s really anyone he does want to talk to. He turns his phone off without responding to anything.

He knows he can’t ignore everyone; if nothing else, Blake will be back tomorrow. He can already imagine the conversation Blake wants to have and he knows he doesn’t want to have it. Is it so much to ask to be left alone? To be allowed to quietly fade away into nothing? He picks up the cup again and drinks the rest of the alcohol before lying back down and closing his eyes.

Chapter Text

Three years earlier

Alec walks through the front door and is tugging off his shoes when his mom yells from the kitchen.

“Alec?”

Alec winces.

“What?” he replies.

“Come here please.”

“Fuck,” Alec mutters under his breath.

He knows that tone of voice. She’s trying to sound like nothing is wrong, but there’s an edge of anger that slips through. He leaves his shoes and backpack lying haphazardly on the floor and walks to the kitchen.

His mom is standing at the counter, chopping vegetables. Alec hesitates for a moment, trying to decide if he should sit or not, but decides against it.

“I got a call from your school today,” she says, trying to sound casual.

Alec tries not to let his face show how panicked those words make him feel. Part of him knew that eventually he wouldn’t be able to hide his grades from his parents, but it was much easier just to ignore it. His mom sighs, realizing he’s not going to say anything in response.

“Alec, they said you’re failing nearly all of your courses. What’s going on?”

“I don’t know,” Alec mumbles, staring at the ground.

“Well, you better figure it out. Because this is not acceptable.”

Alec nods but doesn’t look up.

“If you need help, we can find you a tutor. But you have to try.”

“Ok,” Alec says quietly. “Can I go?”

His mom sighs again.

“We’re not done talking about this,” she says. “Just, help me understand what the problem is.”

Alec doesn’t know how to respond to that. The problem is that none of it matters. He doesn’t see the point of spending time writing essays or studying for exams or whatever else everyone seems to expect him to do. Everything just feels like a performance with no meaning behind it. And he’s tired of acting.

“No one wants you to fail,” his mom says after another long silence. “We want to help you. But if you aren’t willing to put in the effort, there are going to be consequences.”

Alec nods, but he still doesn’t have anything to say.

“Alec.” Her voice is sharper now. “Please look at me.”

Alec looks up from the floor, he can see the redness around her eyes, like she’s been crying. He wants to look away again immediately, but forces himself to hold her gaze.

“This is serious,” she says. Then softer, “What’s wrong? You haven’t been yourself lately.” Alec can hear the waver in her voice.

“Nothing is wrong,” he says. It comes out harsher than he wants. “I’m going to my room.” He turns around and leaves before she can say anything to stop him.

“Alec!” she calls after him, but he ignores it, almost running up the stairs to his room.

He closes the door and flops on his bed, staring at the ceiling. He knows logically that he should apologize, accept help, actually bother to look at the assignments he’s been given, but none of it feels real.

After a while, he gets up and walks to his closet. He pulls a bottle of rum out from under a pile of clothes and stares at it. He had been planning to save it for this weekend, but he knows that even if he isn’t grounded, he most likely won’t feel like going out with his friends. And he needs something now, something to make everything a little less awful. He breaks the seal on the bottle and grabs an empty cup from his dresser.

By the time his dad gets home an hour or two later, Alec is drunk enough not to care when he gets yelled at. He just nods along and makes enough empty promises to placate everyone. And then he stares at the ceiling again, trying to decide how much longer he can take this.

***

Alec barely waits until he hears the door close to grab a bottle of vodka from his closet. He had been looking forward to this moment all afternoon. From the minute that his mom started lecturing him about whatever newest thing he had messed up, he had been waiting until 4:30 when everyone left to go to Abby’s swim meet.

Of course, he’d been lectured for not going, told all about how he wasn’t supporting his sister and he didn’t care enough about his family. But all of that was worth having a moment alone to escape from everything.

He walks into the kitchen and grabs a glass before retreating to his room again. The first shot of vodka goes down easily enough. He hates the taste, especially because this is the cheapest bottle he could get, but taste isn’t the reason he’s drinking it. He pours more into the glass, trying to estimate how much a shot is. Not that it really matters for any reason other than that it’s easier to get it down that way.

He pours a third shot but hesitates before he drinks it. He puts the glass down and lies in his bed. Two isn’t enough. He knows it isn’t enough. But maybe part of him is still holding on to the idea that he’s just drinking to unwind, to relax and forget about everything that’s wrong. As if he could forget any of that without getting blackout drunk. He sits up and empties the glass before lying back down again. Somehow, he manages to convince himself to wait a bit before having a fourth glass.

He picks up his phone and looks at it, glancing quickly through the few notifications he has before throwing it to the other end of this bed. There’s a small voice in the back of his head telling him he should call someone, anyone, and tell them everything before he does what he knows he’s going to do. What he’s been thinking about doing for weeks, even if he wouldn’t ever admit it.

It started out as just a single thought. A brief idea about how much happier his parents would be if it had just been Adam and Abby. If he hadn’t been there to constantly disappoint them. Every time he does something wrong, every time he feels like it’s all falling apart around him, every time he wishes he could just disappear, he goes back to that thought. Wouldn’t it all be better if he was gone? Most of the time he can push it away, but more and more lately it’s been impossible to stop thinking about.

Somewhere between his fourth and fifth shot, the alcohol starts to kick in. It hits him as soon as he tries to sit up; suddenly the room is spinning and his limbs feel far away.

As soon as Alec opens his eyes, he knows where he is. He only vaguely remembers what happened, but he remembers enough to know why he’s in the hospital. He feels tears welling up in his eyes and all he wants to do is go back to being unconscious.

“Alec?”

He glances toward the voice and sees his dad sitting in a chair by the wall. Alec half expects to see his mom there too, but he isn’t surprised that she isn’t. His dad stands up and walks over to him.

“Hey,” his dad says softly. “Do you remember… do you know why you’re here?”

Alec nods. His dad looks at him for a moment, waiting to see if he’ll say anything, but he doesn’t.

“I’m going to go get the doctor, I’ll be right back, ok?”

Alec nods again. He can tell his dad wants him to say something, but he can’t bring himself to speak. His dad waits a few seconds and then turns and leaves the room.

“How are you feeling?” the doctor asks.

“Bad.”

“Can I check your bandages?”

Alec nods and holds up his arms, wincing slightly at the movement.

“Ok, we’ll get those changed a little later, they look good for now. How’s your pain level?”

“It’s ok,” Alec says.

In truth, it hurts more than he wants to admit. Part of him wants to be honest and maybe get some painkillers. But he doesn’t feel like he deserves that. Why should he accept anything that would make things better when it’s all his fault that everything is awful in the first place?

“You’re lucky your parents brought you here when they did,” the doctor says. “You lost a lot of blood.”

“They’re lucky,” Alec says quietly. “I’m not.”

“What do you mean?”

“They’re the ones who wanted me to live. If I was lucky, I wouldn’t be here.”

“How long do you think he’ll need to stay?” His dad asks. His voice is quiet, like he doesn’t want Alec to hear.

“Medically, a few days at most,” the doctor says. “But I think it would be in his best interest to be admitted to an inpatient mental health ward. I can refer you-“

“I don’t think that will be necessary,” his dad says. “He doesn’t need to miss any more school over something like this. I mean, kids do this kind of thing all the time, right? It’s just an attention thing.”

“He’ll need to be evaluated before he can be released. Sometimes it is the case that a short admission is enough to address the issue, but I don’t think that’s going to be the case here.”

“Why not?”

The doctor glances over at Alec, who’s lying still with his eyes closed, pretending to be asleep.

“Let’s let Alec get some rest. We can talk in my office.”

***

“Is mom coming?” Alec asks quietly.

“Not today,” his dad says. “She has to pick Abby up from school and take her to swim lessons.”

“Oh.” Alec is quiet for a minute before speaking again. “Is Abby gonna come visit?”

His dad sighs and shakes his head.

“This has been hard enough for her as is, we don’t want her in this kind of environment.”

“I just thought…” Alec says. “I mean, I thought it would be nice to see her.”

“She can’t come here,” his dad says.

“I wanted to talk to her. I miss her.”

“Alec, she doesn’t need to see you like this. This is… this is hard for everyone, ok? Don’t make it harder for her.”

“Did they say when I can go home?” Alec asks, trying not to sound as upset as he feels.

“I don’t know,” his dad replies. “Look, it’s only been a few days. Your doctor said this is where you need to be right now, ok?”

“I don’t want to be here. I want to go home.”

“Well that’s not an option.” His dad looks at him for a moment and Alec thinks he almost looks sad. “Just try, Alec. They said you’re not engaging with anything, you’re not talking to people. Do you know how awful all of this has been for your mother and me? We need to know you won’t do it again. And until we can feel confident in that, we can’t have you come home.”

“I’m fine now,” Alec says quietly.

“I can’t trust you when you tell me that anymore,” his dad says.

Chapter Text

After practice one day, Cam asks them all to stay afterwards to talk. Cam showing up to a random day of practice is strange enough and Alec is already on edge when they all sit down. No one says anything for a while, then Cam takes a deep breath and turns to Alec.

“Alec,” Cam says. “We’re all very worried about you.”

“Why?” Alec asks. He feels panic rising in his chest.

“I think you know why,” Cam replies.

“I don’t,” Alec says. “Nothing bad has happened in months. I’ve been fine.”

“You’re not fine,” Blake says. “I think you know that. Otherwise you wouldn’t be trying to hide how much you drink from us.”

“I’m not hiding anything,” Alec says.

“We only see you for a few hours a day at most,” Leo says. “But when we spent the day doing press stuff last week…. None of us had realized how bad it had gotten until then.”

“Do you even realize how much you drink?” Blake asks. “Because I was fucking counting.”

“Blake-“ Alec says, but Blake cuts him off.

“Eight drinks,” he says. “We were out for what, six hours? And I know you must have had more in the morning before we left and then again after you got home."

Alec doesn’t say anything. He just stares at his hands.

“That’s not fucking ok,” Blake says. “I don’t even want to think about how much you must drink when you’re alone all day.”

“It’s not like I’m getting blackout drunk,” Alec says softly.

“You’re not getting drunk at all anymore,” Blake replies. “That’s what’s scary. You’ve fucked up your tolerance so much that you’re drinking just to function.”

“We just don’t want anything else bad to happen to you,” Finn says. “We’re really, really worried.”

“I’ve made some phone calls,” Cam says. “I found a treatment center that will take you right away. Everything is set up. All you have to do is let me take you there.”

“No,” Alec says, shaking his head. “I can’t do that.”

 “You would be there for about a month,” Cam says, ignoring Alec’s response. “And no one would have to know. We won’t even tell your family if you don’t want us to.”

“I’m not doing it,” Alec says. “You can’t make me do this.”

“Alec, please,” Leo says, his voice shaky. Cam sighs.

“You’re right,” he says. “We can’t make you do anything. But something has to change. We’ve discussed it, and everyone agrees that if you’re not willing to get help, we can’t risk you going on tour.”

“You’re kicking me out of the band?” Alec asks incredulously.

“We’re not kicking you out,” Blake says. “We just don’t want anything bad to happen.”

“I’ll cut back,” Alec says. “I promise. I can do it on my own.”

“How many times have you said that?” Blake asks. “It’s been the same thing for, what, three years now? And you’ve only gotten worse.”

“It’ll be different this time,” Alec says pleadingly. Cam shakes his head.

“This isn’t up for debate,” Cam says. “This is too serious.”

“It’s not that bad,” Alec says.

“Come on,” Blake replies. “I don’t think even you believe that anymore.”

Alec stares at all of them, his eyes flitting from face to face desperately. Leo gives him a weak smile, trying to be reassuring.

“I don’t know,” Alec says, tears forming in his eyes. He buries his head in his hands. “I don’t know.”

“Why are you so afraid to get better?” Blake asks. Alec looks up at him, his eyes watery.

“You don’t understand,” he says.

“You’re right,” Blake says. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand how you can see all the problems this has caused and still keep doing it. I don’t understand why you keep throwing away chances for help. I don’t understand any of it. It’s fucking ridiculous.”

“Blake,” Cam says. “Stop.”

“You haven’t had to deal with this shit like I have, Cam,” Blake says bitterly.

“Nobody fucking asked you to deal with me,” Alec snaps. “I never asked for your fucking help.”

“If it wasn’t for my fucking help,” Blake yells, “you’d be dead.” Alec winces.

“Blake, that’s enough,” Cam says harshly.

“I don’t want this,” Alec says, blinking back tears. “You all act like you care about me but I don’t want any of this. If you really gave a shit about what I wanted, you wouldn’t do this to me.”

“Alec, you’re sick,” Leo says. “You’re not thinking straight.”

“I’m not sick,” Alec says. He wipes his eyes hard with the sleeve of his shirt. “I just don’t want to do this.”

“And we don’t want to keep watching you fucking kill yourself,” Blake says. Cam glares at him but doesn’t say anything.

“I’m going home,” Alec says, standing up. “I’m not listening to this shit anymore.”

“Wait,” Cam says. “If you’re serious about leaving, I’m not letting you drive.”

“I’m fine,” Alec says.

“You’re drunk,” Cam replies. “It’s illegal. If I have to, I’ll call the cops.” Alec stares at him for a moment, shocked. “I’m done enabling you, Alec. I’m not letting you put anyone else at risk just because you refuse to get help.”

“I’m a good driver,” Alec says. “I’ve never been in an accident.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“This is fucking bullshit,” Alec says. “You just want to make me fucking miserable. I hate you. I hate all of you.”

He sits back down and buries his head in his hands, tears running down his cheeks. Leo tries to place a hand on Alec’s shoulder but Alec jerks away.

“Don’t fucking touch me,” he says.

“I know it’s scary,” Cam says, his voice much softer now. “But you have to believe me, this is the only way things are going to get better.”

Alec doesn’t say anything. He just sits, staring at the ground, trying to stop himself from crying.

“Alec,” Cam says. “You need to make a decision.”

“I need some time,” Alec says after a moment. “I just need to go home and think about it.” Cam shakes his head.

“We’re not doing this,” Cam says. “We’re not pushing things off and pretending that it’s progress. I’ll take you home if that’s what you want. But don’t lie to me and say you’ll think about it.”

Alec stays quiet for a few minutes, completely still except for his uneven breathing. Everyone else waits, glancing at one another anxiously. Finally, Alec wipes his eyes and looks directly at Cam.

“I’ll go,” he says.

“Are you ready for me to take you?” Cam asks Alec.

Alec has been sitting in the chair for a long time, barely moving, looking stunned. He turns to Cam and looks at him for a moment before he finally nods.

“Yeah,” he says quietly.

“Ok.”

Cam stands up and walks to the door, looking back at Alec to follow him. Alec hesitates for a moment before moving.

“Can I come with you?” Blake asks.

“I don’t know if that’s a good idea, Blake,” Cam says.

“Please?” Blake says.

He knows it wasn’t part of their plan, but he can’t stand to let Alec just go. Cam sighs.

“It’s up to Alec,” he says.

Alec glances at Blake for a moment and Blake is positive he’ll say no. Alec looks back at the ground.

“He can come.”

“Alright,” Cam says. “Let’s go.”

“Wait,” Leo says. He walks over and hugs Alec tightly. Alec stiffens for a moment before he tentatively hugs Leo back. “Good luck, yeah?” Leo says.

“Thanks,” Alec says softly.

“We’ll come visit you,” Finn says.

“Ok,” Alec replies.

Cam opens the door and ushers Blake and Alec into the hallway. The walk to Cam’s car is quiet and tense and Blake doesn’t know what to say, or even if he should say anything at all.

They stay mostly silent for the drive there. Blake keeps glancing at Alec, but he can’t tell what he’s thinking. He doesn’t seem angry anymore, but he also doesn’t turn away from the window for the entire trip.

Cam parks in front of the building and turns to look at Blake and Alec sitting in the back seats.

“Blake, I need you to stay in the car, ok?” Cam says.

“Why?” Blake asks.

“Please just stay,” Cam says.

Blake wants to argue, wants to tell Cam that he’s not leaving Alec until he has to. But he doesn’t want to fight with anyone anymore, so he just nods.

“Alec?” Cam says. Alec turns away from the window and looks at him. “Ready?”

Alec takes a deep, shaky breath before nodding. Cam waits for a second to see if Alec is going to say anything, but he doesn’t, so Cam gets out of the car and waits for Alec to follow.

“Hey,” Blake says softly as Alec unbuckles his seatbelt. “I just wanted to say, um, I’m sorry things had to go this way. And I’m sorry for yelling at you. I just… I just can’t lose you.”

He feels tears welling up in his eyes and he turns his head so Alec can’t see. Alec reaches over and grabs Blake’s hand, squeezing it tightly.

“Bye Blake,” he says.

Blake turns back and looks at him, not able to stop the tears rolling down his cheeks. Alec lets go of Blake’s hand and gets out of the car.

It feels like an eternity before Cam walks back out of the building. Blake has spent the entire time imagining what might be happening, what Alec might be feeling. But he has no idea.

“Ok,” Cam says as soon as he opens the car door. “Are you willing to help me do a few things for Alec?”

“Yeah, of course,” Blake replies.

“Alright, so he gave me his car keys and the key to his apartment. We need to take his car back there and then grab some things for him. Can you drive his car?”

“Yeah.”

“Good. We’ll go pick it up, then you can drive it back and I’ll come in my car. Alec said you know the code to get into his building?”

Blake nods.

“I asked him what he wanted me to get for him and he gave me a list, so we’ll get what we can find.” Cam pauses for a moment. “And I didn’t ask him about this, for obvious reasons, but I think it would also be a good idea to take any alcohol he has there. He might be upset, but I would rather he be mad at us than come home to a house full of alcohol.”

“I didn’t even think of that,” Blake says. “But yeah, that’s smart.”

“And if you’re willing to help, I also think it would be nice to tidy up a bit for him.”

“Sure, I can help.”

“Thank you,” Cam says. He turns the car on and backs out before he says anything else. “He was glad you came,” Cam says as they turn onto the main road.

“He didn’t seem like he was.”

“He’s terrified, Blake. And he’s mad at you. He’s mad at everyone right now. And it might be a while before he forgives us.”

“We didn’t do anything wrong,” Blake says.

“I know,” Cam says. “And I think deep down, he knows too.”

Blake just nods silently. He hopes that Cam is right, but he’s terrified that Alec will hate him forever. They drive quietly for a while before Cam drops him off where Alec’s car is parked and gives him the keys.

“You should be able to park in the parking garage. I’ll meet you outside the main entrance,” Cam says.

“Ok,” Blake replies.

As soon as he sits in the driver’s seat of the car he feels wrong. He’s driven Alec’s car a few times before, usually late at night when they’d been out and he had managed to convince Alec that he shouldn’t be driving. But this feels different. He knows that Alec gave Cam the keys, but he still feels like he’s doing something he shouldn’t be.

He takes a deep breath and readjusts the seat and mirrors, which he knows Alec will be annoyed with. He almost laughs, thinking about how ridiculous it is to be worried about something as small as that after everything that’s happened.

He manages to drive there and let Cam and himself into the building without any issues. Once they get to Alec’s door, Blake hesitates. Going into his apartment feels even more like a violation than driving his car. He has to remind himself again that Alec knows they’re here, but it still feels wrong.

“You alright?” Cam asks, unlocking the door.

“Yeah, sorry,” Blake says.  “It’s just… a lot.”

“You don’t have to do this, I can take you home if you want,” Cam says.

“No, I’m ok.”

Cam nods and opens the door, holding it so Blake can follow him inside. Blake has been in Alec’s apartment too many times to count, but it’s been a while and it hurts to see everything.

It’s mostly how he remembers, blank walls, the same couch he slept on for three weeks, empty cups and mail on the coffee table. Blake can picture Alec here, just a few hours ago, not knowing he wouldn’t be coming back, and he feels like he might cry.

“He asked me to bring him clothes, a toothbrush and whatever other toiletries we can get, and his phone charger and some headphones,” Cam says.

“I can get all that,” Blake says. “I know what clothes he probably wants and stuff.”

“Ok, great. I’m assuming he has a suitcase or something you can put everything in. I’m going to start tidying up a bit.”

Blake nods and walks away toward Alec’s room. He feels even worse about going into his bedroom. Even when he’d been living with Alec, he’d tried to let him have that space to himself.

He hadn’t expected the room to be clean, but he didn’t expect it to make him feel so upset. It’s more than just the general mess, it’s the bottles on the bedside table and the ground, the clothes in piles on the floor, the clutter of cups and a few other dishes. He imagines Alec there, sitting on his bed alone, drinking, day after day. He feels like an intruder in something private, something that he wishes he didn’t have to confront. He looks back through the doorway at Cam.

“Can I wash clothes for him while we clean?” Blake asks. “I know where the laundry is in the building.”

“They have laundry facilities there, but it might be a good idea anyway,” Cam says. “I doubt he’ll be feeling up to doing that himself.”

“Yeah, ok, I’ll do that then.”

Blake goes back into Alec’s room and kneels on the floor, looking at the clothes around him. He tries to pick out things he knows Alec wears a lot, along with as many pairs of socks and underwear as he can find.

Everything he picks up smells vaguely like alcohol and it makes his chest ache. He briefly remembers when he used to be worried about Alec because he would come to school smelling like that. But at some point he stopped noticing. He stopped thinking it was worth thinking about, and he suddenly hates himself for letting things get to this point. He sits down, holding one of Alec’s hoodies and just stares at it for a while.

After a few minutes Cam walks into the room to find Blake sitting on the floor crying. He looks at Blake for a moment before Blake notices him. He wipes his eyes, but he can’t stop more tears from falling.

“Why the fuck didn’t I do anything?” Blake asks.

“Maybe it was a bad idea to have you come here,” Cam says. Blake just stares at him. Cam sighs. “I know it’s hard to see him like this, but things are going to get better. He’s getting help. He’s safe.”

“I just… I just didn’t know,” Blake says, wiping his eyes again. “How could I not know?”

“Know what, Blake?”

“I thought he was ok. Not ok, but I thought he wasn’t getting worse. I fucking ignored this shit for months.” He motions to the empty bottles strewn across the floor. “It was like, I was so used to it. And I didn’t realize how much he was struggling. I should’ve been there for him.”

“You were there for him,” Cam says. “But this is the kind of thing you can’t just fix by being a good friend. You did everything you could do.” Cam holds his hand out to Blake. “Come on, let’s do some laundry.”

Blake takes his hand and gets up off the floor, tossing the hoodie into the laundry bag.

Chapter Text

Nothing feels real as Alec follows Cam into the building. Ever since they got in the car, Alec has felt incredibly distant from himself, like he’s watching his body from above. Part of him is terrified, but the rest of him is numb, so he just walks silently through the doors, trying not to think about what’s happening.

The lobby is quiet and empty except for a receptionist sitting behind the front desk. Cam immediately walks up to her and starts talking, but Alec lingers behind in the doorway. He briefly considers turning around and leaving, running away from all of this. But he’s too exhausted to even think about it for more than a moment.

After a few minutes, Cam turns and motions for Alec to come over to the desk. The receptionist smiles at him and introduces herself, but Alec barely hears her. The room seems like it’s shrinking, the walls closing in around him, and he can’t focus on anything.

“Alec?” Cam says, snapping Alec back into the moment.

“What?” Alec replies, his voice quiet.

“Do you want me to bring you some things? Like clothes or toiletries?” Cam asks.

Alec blinks. He hadn’t even considered any of that. He can’t imagine being here for any real length of time. None of this feels like it’s actually happening.

“Ok.”

Cam looks at him for a moment, waiting.

“What do you want me to bring?” he finally says once he realizes Alec isn’t going to elaborate.

“Oh,” Alec says. He tries to think about what he needs, but it’s hard to focus. “Clothes. Just whatever clothes. It doesn’t matter. Um, toothbrush. Toothpaste. Other stuff… fuck, I don’t know. Whatever shit is in my bathroom I guess.” He pauses for a moment, trying to imagine his room and the things he uses. “The… the charger thing. For my phone,” he says after a moment. “And headphones.”

Cam nods.

“Do you mind if Blake helps me get things for you?” Cam asks.

“Yeah, that’s fine. And, um, can you tell him thanks? For coming with me?”

“Sure,” Cam says. “We’ll need keys for your apartment. And if you want, we can move your car too.”

“Oh, right, yeah,” Alec says. He shoves his hand into his pocket and grabs his keys, then gives them shakily to Cam. “There’s a code to get into the building, but Blake knows it. And there’s a parking garage if you could move my car there.”

“Ok, we’ll do that.” Cam turns to the receptionist again. “Can I just drop his things off here in an hour or so?”

“Yep,” she replies cheerily. “We can also add you to his visitors list if he wants so you can come into the facility.”

“Alec?” Cam says after Alec doesn’t say anything in response. “Are you ok with me being on the list to come visit you here? Otherwise I can just drop things off at the front desk.”

“Either is fine,” Alec replies.

The receptionist looks at him for a moment, then turns to Cam again.

“I’ll add you to the list,” she says. “Is that ok, Alec?”

“Yeah,” Alec says distractedly.

“Ok then,” Cam says. “Blake and I will take your car back to your apartment and get your things, alright?”

Alec just nods.

“I’ll see you in a bit,” Cam says. He’s halfway to the door before Alec reacts.

“You’re leaving me?” Alec asks, a hint of panic in his voice.

“I’m going to get your things,” Cam says calmly.

“I thought….” Alec’s voice trails off. He doesn’t really know what he thought. That Cam would stay longer? That he wouldn’t really leave him here? He doesn’t know. But the reality of it all is setting in even more now and he can feel his heartbeat pounding rapidly in his ears.

“I let the doctor know you’re here,” the receptionist says. “He’ll be out in just a few minutes to go over all your admission paperwork with you.”

Alec doesn’t respond, he just looks at Cam pleadingly, hoping that somehow he’ll do something to stop all of this.

“I’ll be back in an hour or two,” Cam says. “You’re going to be ok.”

Alec nods slowly, but he doesn’t really believe that. Cam waits a few seconds to make sure Alec isn’t going to say anything else, then he turns around and walks out the door.

***

A nurse comes into Alec’s room and hands him a small plastic cup with three pills in it. He stares at it for a moment then looks back up at her.

“I don’t take meds,” he says, holding the cup up to her to try and give it back. She takes it from him and sets it on the table next to his bed.

“You don’t take anything at all? Ever? No painkillers? Nothing?”

“But that’s not what it is,” Alec replies.

“The orange one is ibuprofen,” the nurse says. “And then Zofran, for nausea. And Ativan for withdrawal symptoms.”

Alec stares at the pills for a moment. His head has been pounding for the past hour and he knows he’ll just keep feeling worse and worse the longer he goes without a drink. But taking the meds scares him. Maybe it is just painkillers and whatever else to help with withdrawal. But he doesn’t trust that that’s all it is.

All of this makes him feel like he’s back in the hospital years ago, when they would give him pills and tell him they would make him feel better. He took whatever they wanted him to, it wasn’t like he had a real choice, but all any of it did was make him numb and exhausted. And now, now he’s not seventeen. He’s not stuck here until his parents agree he can leave. And maybe it’s dumb to refuse medication, but it’s just about the only thing he has any control over right now, and he doesn’t want to give that up.

“Can I just have the ibuprofen?” Alec asks after a long pause.

“Sure,” the nurse says. “And if you change your mind, let me know.”

Alec nods and picks the orange pill out of the cup. He holds it and examines it for a moment, making sure it really is just ibuprofen, then picks up a cup of water from the table and takes it.

“Have you ever done a detox before?” the nurse asks.

“No.”

“Ok, well please let us know how you feel and if you have any withdrawal symptoms, ok? Especially if you aren’t going to take meds, it’s going to be very uncomfortable, and we need to make sure you’re medically stable.”

Alec nods slowly, but stays silent until the nurse finally takes the rest of the meds and leaves the room. He thinks about what she said and remembers how sick he felt the last time he couldn’t drink for more than a few hours. He knows it’s bad, but he can’t remember the last time he went more than four or five hours without a drink while he was awake.

He presses his palms against his eyes, trying to do something to stop his head from hurting so much. He doesn’t really think that one painkiller will do much of anything, but the idea of taking more pills terrifies him. He lies down on the bed and pulls the sheet and blanket over his head, trying to block out some of the light and noise.

Alec wakes up a few hours later with a splitting headache; even with his eyes shut the light is too bright. He feels like he might throw up from how much it hurts. He moves to get up, but has to stop almost immediately because the room feels like it’s spinning around him.

It takes a while for him to even collect himself enough to think about what he should do. He can’t focus on anything except how bad he feels. Eventually, he remembers that he has a call button, and he manages to open his eyes and sit up enough to press it. It makes a noise and he winces. A few minutes later, a nurse he doesn’t recognize from earlier comes into the room.

“How can I help you?” she asks with a smile.

Alec just stares at her for a moment; he hadn’t thought about what exactly he wanted someone to do to help him. She waits patiently for an answer, but her expression grows more concerned the longer it takes for him to reply.

“I… I feel bad,” Alec finally says. “Really bad.”

“Alright, can you be a little more specific?” she asks. “What kind of symptoms are you experiencing?”

“I dunno. Just like… like bad hangover shit but worse. Just bad. My head is killing me.”

“Ok, so headache. Any nausea?” the nurse asks. Alec nods. “Have you thrown up at all?”

“No, but I feel like I’m gonna.”

“Are you seeing or hearing anything unusual?” she asks.

Alec shakes his head. The question scares him and he wonders if that’s something he should be worried about. He hadn’t thought that this would be any different than how he normally felt after not drinking for a bit, but he realizes that it might be more serious than he thought.

“Any anxiety?”

Alec doesn’t respond for a moment. Of course he’s anxious, he’s been anxious all day and the longer he goes without a drink, the worse it gets. But it scares him to admit it. Physical symptoms are one thing, but letting anyone know how hard all of this is for him mentally is a whole different issue.

“Alec?” she says after a long silence.

“Sorry,” Alec mumbles. “I don’t know. I can’t… I can’t think about that right now.”

“That’s ok. I’m just trying to get an idea of how you’re doing,” she says. “Can I take your vitals and then we can see if you have any meds?”

“Yeah,” Alec says quietly.

She nods and Alec closes his eyes, trying to make the light hurt less. He barely notices when she walks out of the room and comes back a minute later. He opens his eyes when she puts a blood pressure cuff around his arm and a pulse clip on his finger and he has to fight the urge to shut them again immediately.

“Your blood pressure is fine, but your pulse is fast,” the nurse says after a minute. “Can you hold out your arms for me?”

Alec doesn’t even think to ask why, he just holds his arms out. He hadn’t noticed how much his hands were shaking until now and he tries to hold them steady, without much success. The nurse jots down a few things on a piece of paper before looking back at him.

“You can put your arms down,” she says. Alec lets his arms drop to his sides. “Alright, you just took ibuprofen a little earlier, right?”

“Yeah,” Alec says.

“Ok, I’ll check and see if it’s been long enough for you to take more of that. You also have medication for nausea if you want that.”

“Ok,” Alec says softly.

“And do you want to take your Ativan? I know you didn’t want to take it earlier, but it’ll help you feel better.”

“Maybe. If the other stuff doesn’t help.”

“You’re sure?” she asks. “I really would recommend you take it now. There’s only so much that ibuprofen is going to do.”

“I… I don’t know.”

“Ok, I’m going to go get your other meds. I’ll be right back.”

Alec pulls his blanket around him and covers his eyes with his hands while he waits. He can’t remember the last time he felt this awful, his heart is racing and he can feel every pulse in his head. When the nurse comes back, he moves his hands away, wincing at the light.

“Here you go,” she says, handing him a small cup with pills in it.

Alec takes it and examines the pills, two ibuprofen and one he doesn’t recognize but he assumes is the anti-nausea pill. He stares at them for a few seconds, trying to work up the nerve to swallow them even though even just the idea makes him feel like he’s going to throw up. Eventually he manages to take them, not even bothering to drink water. He sets the cup down and holds his head in his hands.

“Can you try and drink some water?” the nurse asks. Alec shakes his head.

“I can’t,” he says. “I’ll throw up.”

“If you can’t keep down fluids, we might have to consider an IV,” she says.

“No, no, it’s ok, I just need a minute.”

“Alright, I’m going to let you rest for a bit, but please let me know if you need anything. Someone will come check on you in an hour or so just to make sure you’re doing alright.”

“Alec?”

Alec pulls his blanket away from his face, cracking his eyes open just enough to see what’s going on. Even with the meds he took earlier his headache has only gotten worse. He had been trying to sleep, but all he could do was lie as still as possible and try and block out the pain.

“How are you feeling?”

It’s the same nurse from earlier. Alec just stares at her for a minute. He can’t think clearly and even though he knows the answer, he can’t form the right words. She waits patiently in the doorway until he’s able to reply.

“I think…” he says, his voice shaking slightly. “I think I wanna take the other stuff.”

“The Ativan?”

“Yeah.” He pauses for a second. “It’ll make it stop hurting, right?”

“It should help with pain, yes,” she says. “I’ll go get it for you.”

“Thank you,” Alec says quietly.

Part of him is still terrified to take it, terrified that it’ll mess with his head and make all of this even worse. But at this point, he would give almost anything to stop everything from hurting so much. Besides, his head is messed up enough already; he can barely think coherently and all the thoughts he can hold on to are about how much he wants to leave, to go back to his apartment and drink until he doesn’t feel like this anymore.

After a few minutes the nurse comes back and hands Alec a pill cup with a single pill in it and a normal size cup.

“I brought you some ginger ale,” she says. “Do you think you can drink some?”

“Ok.”

Alec takes the pill out of the cup and puts it in his mouth before taking a sip of the ginger ale. He feels a bit less nauseous than earlier and he remembers what the nurse said about an IV, so after a moment he drinks more, then puts the cup on the bedside table.

“It’ll take about 30 minutes for you to feel the effects, ok?” the nurse says. “I’ll check on you again then and we can see if you need more right now. Otherwise, you’ll have another dose scheduled in four hours.”

Alec nods. He knows that thirty minutes isn’t long, but it sounds like an eternity if he has to feel like this. He almost regrets not agreeing to take all of the medication earlier, but he also feels guilty for taking it at all. Maybe this pain is what he deserves, maybe he should’ve just suffered through it.

“Try and drink some fluids,” the nurse says as she walks to the door. “And let me know if you need anything.”

Alec doesn’t respond, he just pulls the blanket over his head again and closes his eyes.

***

It’s about a week and a half after getting to rehab that Alec starts waking up hard every morning. The first time, he wakes up from a half-remembered sex dream, disoriented and surprised.

It’s not that this is the first time he’s woken up hard, but it had been long enough that he can’t remember the last time it happened. Not that he remembers much at all of the weeks preceding all of this. But he’s almost certain it’s been far longer than that. In fact, he recalls as he strokes himself, still lying in bed, he can barely remember the last time he was even really turned on. Sure he’d jerked off plenty of times recently, but that had been more out of boredom, or habit, or just the hollow hope that maybe it would make him feel good, even if just for a moment.

He tries to remember the dream while he touches himself, but all he can recall is the general idea of it. He can’t even place the girl he was having sex with, her face is hazy in his mind. Not that it really matters. His hand on his cock feels better than it has in a long time and just the sensations are enough to make him come far quicker than he had expected.

After taking a moment to collect himself, he wipes his hand on the sheets and closes his eyes, breathing hard. He’s trying to decide whether he should check the time and get up or just go back to sleep when there’s a knock on his door. Before he can reply, the door swings open and one of the nursing aides comes in.

“Good morning,” she says, her voice far too cheerful for how early it must be. “Breakfast is in ten minutes.”

“Ok,” Alec mumbles, throwing his arm over his eyes to block some of the light from the hallway.

“Can I take your vitals real quick?” she asks.

Alec moves his arm slightly and cracks his eyes open, squinting at her for a moment. He nods and sticks his arm out.

“Can you sit up?” she asks.

Alec sighs and props himself up slightly for a moment before sitting up.

“Thank you.”

Alec closes his eyes again while she puts a blood pressure cuff on him and something to check his pulse on his finger. She’s quiet for a moment, waiting for the numbers.

“Hmm,” she says. “Your pulse is pretty fast. Are you feeling ok?”

Alec opens his eyes and looks at her quizzically, trying to think of what could be wrong. Then he realizes. His heart is still racing from masturbating just a few minutes before. He briefly feels guilty for not washing his hands, but it’s not like he had much of a chance.

“I’m fine,” Alec says. “Just a… weird dream or something. I dunno.”

“Ok,” she says. “Well, everything else looks fine. Maybe we can check again in a bit, yeah?”

“Sure,” Alec says.

She takes all of the equipment off and Alec lies back down, pulling his blanket over his head.

“Alec,” she says. “It’s almost breakfast time, you should get up.”

“Mmmhmm,” Alec mumbles.

They’ve wanted him to wake up for breakfast the past few days and he desperately misses when the just let him sleep, even if it was because he was too sick to get up. He considers ignoring her and going back to sleep anyway, but he knows someone will just be back again in ten minutes to wake him up again, so he reluctantly throws the blanket off of him and sits up.

Chapter Text

“Can I help you?” the receptionist asks Blake as he walks up to the front desk.

“Uh, yeah,” Blake says. “I’m here to visit Alec Brooks.”

“I’m going to need to see some identification,” she says.

“Oh, right, sure.” Blake fishes his wallet out of his pocket and hands her his driver’s license. “Here ya go.”

She takes the card and looks at it for a moment, then types something into the computer in front of her.

“Ok,” she pauses and looks at the card again, “Blake. I’ll let Alec know you’re here. You can have a seat.”

“Thanks,” Blake says.

He sits and waits for a few minutes, bouncing his leg anxiously and staring at the floor. Eventually the receptionist comes back and motions for Blake to follow her. She leads him down the hall and past a few doors before stopping in front of one.

“This is his room,” she says. “Visiting hours are until six.”

“Alright, thanks,” Blake says.

She walks away and Blake stares at the door for a few seconds before knocking.

“Come in,” Alec’s voice says through the door.

Blake opens the door and walks in, shutting it again behind him. Alec is sitting on a bed against the back wall.

“Hey,” Blake says.

“Hey,” Alec replies.

They’re both quiet for a few moments, looking at one another, neither of them quite sure what to say.

“You can sit,” Alec says, motioning to a set of chairs in the corner of the room.

“Ok,” Blake says. He walks over and sits, shrugging off his jacket and draping it over the back of a chair. “This is a nice room,” he says.

“Yeah,” Alec replies. He pauses for a few seconds. “It’s really good to see you.”

“I was worried you wouldn’t want to see me,” Blake says. “I half expected the receptionist to come back and tell me to leave.”

“I’m sorry,” Alec says. “All that shit I said… I wasn’t thinking straight.”

“It’s ok. I understand.” Blake pauses. “How are you feeling now?” Alec sighs.

“You want the honest answer?” he asks. “Fucking awful. This is, I don’t know, it’s not what I thought it would be. I haven’t even started going to like group stuff and whatever yet. It’s just been hell. God, Blake, you have no idea.”

Alec pauses for a moment, looking at Blake and shaking his head slowly.

“I guess I just didn’t realize how hard it would be,” Alec continues. “I thought I was gonna die. They gave me drugs and shit but Christ….” His voice trails off.

“But you’re doing better now?” Blake asks.

            “I guess,” Alec says. “I mean I’m not having fucking seizures anymore, that’s something.”

“Oh my god,” Blake says. “You had seizures?”

“It only happened once,” Alec says. “I barely remember it if I’m being honest. Everything from the past week is a bit of a blur.”

“That sounds awful, I’m so sorry you had to go through that.”

“Yeah,” Alec says. He stares at the wall vacantly. “And the whole time all I’m thinking is how bad I want a drink. That’s fucking pathetic, isn’t it?”

“It’s not pathetic,” Blake says. Alec shakes his head sadly.

“You don’t have to try and make me feel better.” He pauses. “I just thought it would be different. Like, if I could get through all the bad shit, it would be ok. If I could just get sober then everything would be better. But it’s not.”

“I’m sure it’ll get easier,” Blake says.

“Yeah.”

They sit in silence for a while. Alec keeps staring at the wall, barely moving. Blake wants to say something, but he can’t think of anything. Finally, Alec turns to look at him.

“I’m sorry,” Alec says. “My head is just fucked right now. I’m really trying, Blake.”

“I know,” Blake says. “I can go if you want me to.”

“No. I’m really glad you’re here.” Alec pauses for a second. “I was worried no one would come.”

“I wanted to come last week,” Blake says. “But Cam told me not to. He said to give you a few days at least.”

“Yeah, that was probably smart. I don’t think I was a coherent person last week. I still don’t feel like I am really.”

 “You’re doing fine,” Blake says. “It’s a lot to work through.”

“They said I can start doing stuff tomorrow or the next day,” Alec says. “I mean, I’ve met with a few people already, but like going to all the groups and everything.”

“That’s good.”

“They make you get up at seven. It’s awful. They let me skip breakfast to sleep when I was really fucked up, but the past few days they made me go.”

“That must be rough. I can’t remember the last time I saw you awake before noon,” Blake says.

“I know,” Alec replies. “And it’s supposed to be like, a communal thing or whatever, so people are always trying to talk to me. I don’t know how I’m gonna manage all the group shit. You know I’m not exactly the best at sharing stuff with other people. And even then, I don’t know how much I want people to know. Like, about who I am and all that.”

“Oh yeah, that’ll be a bit tough, huh?” Blake says.

“I mean, nearly everyone is much older, so I doubt I’ll get recognized or anything. But I just don’t want to risk it.” Alec pauses for a moment. “I told Cam not to tell my family. I don’t want them to know I’m here. If anything gets out… I don’t know what I’d do.”

“Wouldn’t they be happy to know you’re getting help? Blake asks. Alec shakes his head.

“I don’t think so,” he says. “They… they didn’t really know it was a problem. I mean my parents knew a bit. They yelled at me about it a few times before I moved out. And when I ended up in hospital. But my sister, god it would kill me if she found out. I don’t want her to think I’m any more of a fuck up than she already does.”

“I’m sure she doesn’t think that, Alec,” Blake says. “You’re famous for Christ’s sake. She’s what, fourteen? Isn’t that like every teenage girl’s dream? To know someone in a famous band?”

“She’s fifteen now,” Alec replies. “And I don’t know. I mean, she likes telling her friends that I’m her brother, I guess. But no matter what I do, she’s gonna remember all the other shit I screwed up.”

“I don’t think that’s true,” Blake says.

“You know at Christmas when I went home, hardly anyone talked to me. My parents just wanted to hear about my brother’s time in uni and my sister’s swimming and how they’re both at the top of their classes. No one wants you to ruin Christmas dinner by reminding them that you did shit in school and had to repeat a year because you tried to off yourself. So I just fucked off to my room and got drunk. And that’s how it’s always been.”

“Alec, that’s awful.”

“It’s not their fault,” Alec says. “I wouldn’t want me as a kid either.”

“Are you sure you want to stay until six?” Alec asks. “I mean, that’s a long time. There’s not much to do here.”

“I can go if you want,” Blake says. “But I’m happy to stay. I’ll only get to see you once a week, I want to make the most out of it.”

“Thanks,” Alec says. “It’s good to have you here. Really. It’s been pretty overwhelming.”

“Yeah, I can imagine.”

“I could show you around a bit if you want,” Alec offers. “There’s a common room and the dining room and I think there’s a gym.”

“Sure, that sounds good.”

Alec nods and swings his legs over the side of the bed, then sits for a moment, staring at the ground.

“You alright?” Blake asks.

“Yeah, sorry, just kind of out of it still.” Alec stands up and walks over to the door. “I’ll be fine.”

“Ok. Just, let me know if you need a break or anything.”

Blake gets up and follows Alec out of the room and into the hallway. They walk past a few closed doors and then turn into an open room with a few couches and a TV set. Two men are sitting and watching something. Blake follows Alec over to a small table in the corner of the room and they sit down.

“We get free time for a bit each day, and then most of the day Sunday,” Alec explains. “I’ve mostly just stayed in my room, but they have like games and books and stuff out here.”

“Do you think you’ll spend time here now that you’re more stable?” Blake asks. “It would probably be good for you to be with other people.” Alec shrugs.

“I don’t know. It’s just, I feel like I won’t have anything in common with anyone else. People have been nice, but everyone I’ve met has been at least ten years older than me. They have like, kids and jobs and shit.”

“But you can talk about other stuff,” Blake says.

“I guess,” Alec says.

He turns away from Blake and stares out the window, tapping his fingers anxiously against the table. Blake reaches over and places his hand over Alec’s.

“It’s gonna be fine,” Blake says. Alec looks at him and sighs.

“Christ,” Alec mutters. “How the fuck did I end up here?”

“Alec-“

Blake is interrupted by a man walking over to the table they’re sitting at. Blake pulls his hand away from Alec’s.

“Hi, sorry to bother you,” the man says. “But, are you Blake Sharpe?”

Blake glances quickly at Alec, trying to judge what he should say, but Alec is staring at the table.

“Uh, no, sorry,” Blake says. “You must have me confused with someone else.”

“Oh,” the man says. “Sorry. You look so similar. I’m sure you get that a lot.”

“No,” Blake says. “I actually don’t even know who that is.”

“Really?” the man asks. “He’s the singer for this band, Blue Space, they’re quite popular.”

“Never heard of them,” Blake replies.

He glances over at Alec. Alec stares at him and mouths what are you doing? Blake ignores him and looks back to the man.

“Are they any good?” Blake asks.

“My daughter really likes them,” the man replies. “She saw them in concert about a year ago.”

“That’s nice,” Blake says. “What’s your daughter’s name?”

“Alison,” the man says. He pauses for a moment. “Yeah, she uh, just turned seventeen. She was going to visit this week, but you know how kids are.”

“Yeah,” Blake says.

“Are you two here visiting?” the man asks.

“He is,” Alec says. “I’m, uh, staying here. For a while. I guess.”

“Oh,” the man says. “I haven’t seen you around, are you new?”

“Yeah,” Alec says. “I mean, kind of. I’ve been here for like a week and a half. But I haven’t been doing the group stuff yet. Maybe tomorrow they said.”

“The first week is the hardest,” the man says. “I’m Martin by the way.” Martin sticks his hand out to Alec.

“Alec,” Alec says. He shakes Martin’s hand. Martin looks at Blake.

“Oh, uh, I’m,” Blake pauses, “Ben.”

“Well, it’s nice to meet you two,” Martin says. “Sorry for the mix up.”

“No worries,” Blake replies. “I’ll have to look that band up.” Martin smiles.

“You should,” he says. “Well, I’ll see you around, Alec.”

“Yeah, see you around,” Alec replies.

Martin gives a small wave before walking away. Blake waits until he’s out of the room before turning back to Alec.

“He seemed nice,” Blake says. Alec shakes his head.

“Come on,” he says, standing up. “Let’s go back to my room.”

Blake sighs and follows Alec back down the hall and into his room. Alec shuts the door and sits on his bed. Blake sits next to him.

“You know I really wanted to see the gym,” Blake says.

“I can’t believe you just lied to that guy,” Alec says.

“Really?” Blake says. “What did you want me to do? You said you didn’t want anyone to know you were here.”

“Well, yeah, but he didn’t recognize me.”

“You really think he wouldn’t have asked more questions?” Blake asks. “Like why exactly I’m here? Or how I know you?”

“I guess,” Alec says. “But it’s still kind of fucked up to just lie to him like that.”

“It’s not that big of a deal.” Blake pauses. “I guess we’re lucky his daughter didn’t actually visit him. I bet she would recognize you too, and then we’d be screwed.”

“Yeah. I feel bad though. Like, he probably wanted an autograph or something for her. I mean it’s just nice that he cares about her interests and all that.”

“Christ Alec, you go give him an autograph then.”

“I’m just saying.”

Chapter Text

“Are you sure they’ll even let us bring him food?” Leo asks, looking at all the ingredients spread out on Blake’s counter.

“I don’t see why not,” Blake replies. “I mean, it’s not like we’re trying to sneak him booze or anything. I’ll be pissed if they don’t, I didn’t buy all this shit to have our cookies confiscated.”

“I can’t believe you didn’t have flour,” Leo says.

“I don’t bake. Why the hell would I have flour?” Blake asks. Leo shrugs.

“I don’t know. It just seems like something you ought to have.”

“Well now I do,” Blake says. He pulls out his phone and looks at it for a minute. “Ok, so we’ve got to preheat the oven to 170.”

Leo nods and walks over to the oven, then presses a few buttons.

“Then we mix butter and sugars together.” Blake pauses for a second, scrolling back to the top of the recipe to check the amounts.

They measure out the ingredients and mix them in a large bowl before adding an egg, some flour, and half a bag of chocolate chips.

“You know it says we only need 100 grams of chocolate chips,” Leo says, looking over Blake’s shoulder as he checks the recipe again.

“You’re really worried about adding too many chocolate chips?” Blake asks.

“I’m just saying,” Leo replies.

They finish mixing up the ingredients before pulling out a baking tray. Blake starts spooning out the dough but Leo stops him.

“You’re making them too big,” Leo says.

“You do it then,” Blake says, slightly annoyed. He hands the spoon to Leo.

Leo fills the tray with smaller balls of dough before putting the spoon back in the bowl. There’s still a fair amount of dough left, so he dips his finger in and scoops some out.

“Here,” Leo says, holding his finger up to Blake’s mouth.

Blake takes Leo’s finger in his mouth, moving his tongue in circles around it before sucking hard. Leo stares at him for a moment before he pulls his hand away.

“Christ, Blake,” Leo says.

“What? You’re the one who put your finger in my mouth.”

“Yeah, but you didn’t have to do that. We’re baking cookies, not making out.”

“We could change that,” Blake says with a playful smile.

“Let’s at least get them in the oven first,” Leo says.

Blake sighs, grabs the tray of cookies, and puts it in the oven.

“Ten minutes, yeah?” he asks.

“Yeah,” Leo replies.

Blake sets a timer and then walks back over to Leo and kisses him, pressing their bodies close together.

“So, now are you gonna let me suck your cock?” Blake asks, tracing his fingers across Leo’s back. Leo moans.

“God,” he says. “I want you to. But we should wait. Ten minutes isn’t much time.”

Blake keeps one hand against Leo’s back and moves the other to his crotch, palming him through his jeans. Leo inhales sharply.

“You act like I couldn’t make you come in under five if I wanted to,” Blake says.

“Ok, ok,” Leo says, leaning against Blake. “But not in the kitchen.”

“Fine.”

They walk to Blake’s bedroom and as soon as Leo closes the door, Blake kisses him and starts undoing his jeans. Leo kisses him back desperately until Blake pulls away and drops to his knees. He pushes Leo’s pants and boxers down slightly and pulls his cock out.

Leo gasps as Blake takes him in his mouth, moving his tongue expertly across Leo’s tip. Leo digs his fingers into Blake’s scalp, trying to control his breath as Blake takes him deeper, waves of pleasure surging through his body.

Blake strokes the base of Leo’s cock with one hand and reaches down and undoes his own pants with the other. He starts touching himself and Leo tightens his grip on Blake’s hair as he watches. Blake looks up and makes eye contact with Leo and Leo bites his lip and moans.

“God,” he says. “You’re so hot.”

Blake smiles slightly without pausing, his tongue still tracing circles around Leo. It’s not long until Leo can feel the heat pooling in his stomach, and he knows he won’t be able to last much longer. He tugs Blake’s hair as a warning, not able to catch his breath for long enough to say anything.

Leo moans as he watches Blake swallow, his hand still stroking himself. After a moment he pulls Blake up and kisses him deeply before pressing him up against the wall. Blake pushes back against Leo desperately, clutching at him and pushing his tongue into his mouth. They kiss for a moment before Leo reaches down and grasps Blake’s cock, moving his hand slowly.

“Fuck,” Blake moans. “Please.”

Leo keeps the pace slow for a few seconds until Blake digs his fingers into his shoulders and whimpers. Once Leo starts moving faster it doesn’t take long before Blake comes, burying his head against Leo’s neck and moaning. They stay wrapped together for a moment until Blake suddenly snaps his head up.

“Fuck,” he says. “Is that the timer?”

Leo listens carefully until he can hear a soft beeping through the wall.

“How long has that been going off?” Leo asks.

“I don’t know,” Blake replies, gently pushing Leo off of him and zipping up his pants.

Blake rushes to the kitchen with Leo following close behind. He turns the timer off then opens the oven and sighs loudly.

“They’re fucking burnt,” Blake says, grabbing an oven mitt and placing the cookies on the stove.

“Damn it, Blake, I told you it wasn’t enough time,” Leo says.

“I’m sorry. It’s not my fault the timer was so quiet,” Blake replies. “At least we have more dough.”

Blake goes to grab the bowl of dough, but Leo stops him.

“Wash your hands first,” Leo says. Blake nods.

“Yep. Good call.”

Blake washes his hands then scrapes the burnt cookies into the garbage while Leo washes his.

“Do you have another baking tray?” Leo asks. Blake shakes his head.

“No, just the one.”

“Will it be alright to use it? Since it’s already hot?”

“I’m sure it’ll be fine,” Blake says. “Maybe we’ll check it after like eight minutes?”

“Sure. And if we mess up the rest of the batch we’ll just buy something at the store for Alec instead,” Leo says.

Blake lets Leo scoop out the dough onto the tray and then they put it back in the oven and set the timer for eight minutes.

“And we’re staying in the kitchen this time,” Leo says. He hands the empty bowl to Blake. “We can clean up so you don’t have to do it later.”

Blake starts washing the bowl while Leo gathers up the rest of the dishes and places them next to the sink. They finish cleaning everything up with a few minutes left. Blake dries his hands and leans against the counter. Leo stands next to him and Blake leans his head against Leo’s shoulder.

“Sorry I made us burn the cookies,” Blake says.

“It’s fine,” Leo replies. He grabs Blake’s hand and strokes it with his thumb.

Once the timer goes off, Leo walks over and opens the oven.

“They look pretty done,” he says. “Should we take them out?”

“Yeah,” Blake replies. “Let’s not risk burning them again.”

Leo grabs the oven mitt and pulls the baking tray out, then sets it on the stove. Blake looks at the cookies for a moment.

“Could be worse,” he says.

“Hopefully they taste alright,” Leo says.

“We should let them cool for a bit, yeah?” Blake asks. Leo nods.

“Yeah. And then we should go.” Leo glances at the clock. “If we leave in like thirty minutes we can get there by two.”

“Sounds good.”

“Hi, we’re here to visit Alec Brooks,” Blake says as they walk up to the reception desk. The receptionist is the same woman as last week.

“IDs?” she asks. Blake and Leo both take their IDs out of their wallets and hand them to her.

“You don’t remember me from last week?” Blake asks jokingly. She smiles slightly.

“Of course. But I still have to check,” she says.  She pauses to type a few things into the computer. “Sometimes people get taken off the approved visitor’s lists,” she says. “That’s always awkward to deal with. But you’re both fine. I’ll let Alec know you’re here.”

"Thanks,” Blake says, taking his ID back.

Blake and Leo sit down and Leo holds his bag in his lap, twisting the strap idly. Blake puts his hand on Leo’s knee.

“The receptionist lady seemed to like you,” Leo says.

“Well, I’m very charming,” Blake replies. Leo rolls his eyes but smiles anyway.

They wait a few minutes before the receptionist comes back and Blake pulls his hand away from Leo as soon as she opens the door.

“Alright, you’re good to go,” she says. “You know where you’re going?”

“Yep, thanks,” Blake says.

She nods and sits back at her desk. Blake and Leo stand up and walk to the door, Leo following a few steps behind Blake as they make their way to Alec’s room. Blake knocks on the door and a few seconds later Alec opens it.

“Hey,” Alec says, smiling when he sees them. “Come on in.”

They walk into the room and Leo shuts the door behind them. Alec sits down on the edge of his bed.

“You seem better this week,” Blake says, sitting down in one of the chairs in the corner of the room. Leo sits in another chair next to him.

“I am,” Alec says. “At least a bit.”

“That’s good to hear,” Leo says. “Blake told me things had been pretty rough.”

“Yeah,” Alec says. He pauses for a moment, looking at the ground. “Thanks for coming. I know it’s not the most exciting place to spend your Sunday afternoon.”

“We like spending time with you,” Blake says. “And we get plenty of excitement the rest of the week anyway.”

“You’ve been busy this past week then?” Alec asks. “What have I missed?”

“Not too much really,” Blake says. “Finn’s been caught up with schoolwork, so we haven’t had any band stuff since it’d just be me and Leo. We did go out to see a small show at the bar on Friday though. The performances weren’t half bad and the bartender gave us free drinks. I definitely had too much though, so yesterday was a bit shit. I haven’t been that hungover in a while.”

“Blake,” Leo says harshly.

“What?”

“Just think about what you’re saying for two seconds,” Leo replies.

“I was just telling him what we’ve been doing,” Blake says.

“Which you could do without talking about how drunk you got.”

“Leo, it’s fine,” Alec says.

“I don’t get why I should pretend we don’t still drink,” Blake says. “Alec’s not stupid. He knows.”

“It’s called being considerate,” Leo says, annoyed.

“Really, it’s fine,” Alec says. “I can handle it.” Leo sighs.

“I know you can handle it, I just think it would be nice to not talk about that stuff right now,” Leo says.

“Fine, whatever,” Blake says. “I won’t talk about it anymore.”

They’re all quiet for a few moments before Leo grabs his bag and places it on his lap. He pulls out a container and hands it to Alec.

“We brought you cookies,” Leo says.

“Oh, thank you,” Alec says. He opens the container and looks at the cookies for a moment.

“We made them ourselves,” Blake says. “So hopefully they’re alright.”

“I’m sure they’ll be great,” Alec says.

“Well, we did burn the first batch,” Blake says. “We got distracted and didn’t hear the timer.”

“You got… distracted?” Alec asks, raising his eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Blake says. He glances at Leo. “I don’t think you want me to elaborate on what exactly happened.”

“I really don’t,” Alec says. “And I hate that you told me that because now I don’t want to eat these cookies.”

“We washed our hands,” Blake says.

“I sure fucking hope so,” Alec replies. He puts the lid back on the container and sets it next to him on the bed.

“Are you really not going to eat them?” Leo asks.

“No, I will,” Alec says. “It was nice of you to bring me something.”

“We weren’t sure if they’d let us, but no one checked my bag,” Leo says. “So I hope it’s alright. I wouldn’t want to get you in trouble.”

“I don’t see why it would be a problem,” Alec says. “Unless you put weed in them or something. Not that I would complain about that.”

“Well, we didn’t,” Leo says.

“That’s a shame,” Alec says, smiling slightly. “Maybe next week.”

“There’s absolutely zero chance we’re bringing you drugs,” Leo says.

“I know, I know,” Alec replies. “It was a joke.”

“Do you think you’ll still smoke when you get out?” Blake asks. “Or are you gonna give up everything?”

“I dunno, I haven’t really thought about it,” Alec says. “I’ve never really had a problem with weed, so I don’t see why I’d need to stop.”

“Maybe you should talk to someone here about it,” Leo says. “Just in case.” Alec shrugs.

“I think I mentioned that I do other drugs occasionally when I first came in, but no one seemed too bothered about it. Besides, I doubt they’d be allowed to say it was ok even if they thought it would be, for legal reasons.”

“Just be careful, alright?” Leo says.

“I will,” Alec says. “But I’ve got at least three more weeks before I’ll have to worry about that.”

“I thought you were here for a month,” Blake says. “Wouldn’t it just be two more weeks then?”

“That’s what I thought. But I guess the first week of detox wasn’t technically part of the program or whatever,” Alec says.

“Oh,” Blake says. “I guess that makes sense.”

“Yeah, but it still sucks,” Alec replies. “I just wanna go home.”

***

The next week when Blake is visiting, as he’s getting ready to leave, he pulls a picture and a pen out of his bag and hands them to Alec.

“Will you sign this?” Blake asks.

Alec looks at the picture for a moment. It’s a photo of the four of them that Alec doesn’t think he’s ever seen before. It already has Leo and Finn’s signatures on it.

“What’s this picture from?” Alec asks.

“From a few weeks ago. Right before you came here, when we all went out. We got someone to take our picture.” Blake pauses and tilts his head slightly. “Do you not remember?”

“No,” Alec says. “I guess I must have been pretty out of it.”

“Well, it’s a nice picture,” Blake says, not sure how else to respond. Of course he knew Alec had been in a bad place when they took it, but he’s still surprised he doesn’t remember it at all. “And none of us posted it anywhere, so it’s like unique or whatever.”

“Who is this for?” Alec asks.

“Can you just sign it?”

“Fine.”

Alec places the picture on the nightstand and scribbles his signature across the bottom. He hands it back to Blake along with the pen. Blake sets it back on the nightstand to sign it himself, holding his hand so Alec can’t see exactly what he’s writing. He finishes and puts it back in his bag.

“Thanks,” Blake says.

Before he leaves, Blake asks to stop by the common room to see if Martin, the man he met the first time he visited, is there. Blake had seen him again last week and they had struck up a friendly conversation, much to Alec’s annoyance. Luckily Martin is there, and he smiles when he sees Blake.

“Hey, you’re leaving before next week, right?” Blake asks Martin.

“Yep, two more days,” Martin says with a smile.

“You must be excited to go home, see your daughter,” Blake says.

“Yeah, I am,” Martin replies. “I know I wasn’t there for her as much as I should have been these past few years, but I want things to be different.”

“Well,” Blake says, slightly nervous. “I, uh, got something for you. That you can give to her.”

“Oh,” Martin says, surprised. “Wow, that’s very nice, thank you.”

Alec looks at Blake, clearly confused and more than a little nervous. Blake ignores him and reaches into his bag. He pulls out the signed picture and hands it to Martin.

“Please don’t tell her where you got this, ok?” Blake says. “For Alec’s sake.” Martin looks at the picture for a moment, glancing back and forth between the photo and Blake and Alec.

“I thought…” Martin says, his voice trailing off. He pauses for a few seconds before speaking again. “Thank you. This is going to mean so much to Alison.”

“Yeah, of course,” Blake says. “Just, tell her you bumped into us somewhere or something, alright?” He pulls his phone out of his pocket and looks at the time. “Well, I have to get going. Alec, I’ll see you next week. And Martin, best of luck to you, tell Alison hello for me.”

Martin nods, still looking a bit stunned. Alec, on the other hand, is clearly upset.

“You can’t just do this and then fucking leave me,” Alec says.

“Visiting hours are over,” Blake replies. “Sorry.” He shrugs and then turns and walks off down the hallway.

“You asshole!” Alec yells after him, but Blake is already out the door.

Chapter Text

“You got all your stuff?” Blake asks.

“Yep,” Alec says. He grabs his suitcase off the bed. “Let’s get the fuck out of here.”

Blake smiles slightly and follows Alec out of the room. They walk into the lobby and the receptionist turns around, smiling when she sees them.

“You’re leaving today?” she asks Alec.

“Yeah,” Alec says. “Free at last.”

“Well, good luck,” she says. “We’ll miss you.”

“Thanks,” Alec says, looking at the ground instead of meeting her eyes.

They walk out of the building and Blake unlocks his car. Alec tosses his suitcase in the back before sitting in the passenger seat. Blake offers a phone cord to Alec.

“You wanna play music?” he asks.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Alec says. He seems surprised, probably because Blake almost never lets anyone else pick the music in his car.

Alec puts on some music, and they drive for a bit without saying anything. Blake feels like he should make conversation, but he isn’t entirely sure what to talk about.

“How are you feeling?” Blake asks.

“Good,” Alec says. He pauses for a second. “But it doesn’t really feel real quite yet. And I know things are gonna be weird.”

“Weird how?”

“Like, I don’t know, I’ll be home for the first time in over a month and there’s just… a lot of memories and shit there. And stuff is gonna be really different. Which is good. But hard.”

“Yeah. Which is why I’m staying with you tonight,” Blake says. “It’ll be like old times, me sleeping on your couch.” Alec smiles.

“God, it’s been a long time since then,” Alec says.

“It has, hasn’t it?”

They’re quiet for the rest of the drive. Alec seems lost in thought, looking out the window the whole time.

Blake parks in front of Alec’s building and they walk up to the door. Alec pauses for a moment.

“You came here, didn’t you?” he asks Blake. “With Cam?”

“Yeah,” Blake says.

Alec nods and takes a deep breath, then enters the door code.

“Was it bad?” Alec asks as they walk to the elevator. “My apartment? Like, I don’t remember exactly how I left it, but I don’t think it was good.”

“We cleaned stuff up for you,” Blake replies.

“You did?”

“Yeah. I thought Cam would’ve told you. We figured it was gonna be hard when you got back if you had to deal with all that stuff.”

“Oh, wow, thank you.”

The elevator stops on Alec’s floor and they walk into the hall.

“Maybe Cam did tell me,” Alec says. “When he brought me my things. I guess I just don’t really remember a lot of what happened those first few days.”

Alec stops in front of the door to his apartment and pulls out his keys. Blake just waits while Alec stares at the door. He knows this must be hard for him and he can’t even imagine what’s going through his head.

Alec unlocks the door and walks inside. He stands just inside the door for a few moments, looking at everything, before he walks into the living room. Blake follows him, closing the door.

“This is cleaner than I think it’s ever been,” Alec says.

He runs his hand along the top of the couch as he walks past it toward his room. Blake sits down in a chair to wait; he wants to let Alec have at least a little space if he wants it.

After a few minutes, Alec walks back out into the living room. He sits on the couch and looks at Blake for a moment, then shakes his head slowly.

“You made my bed,” he says quietly.

“Yeah. We washed your sheets too,” Blake replies.

“You didn’t need to do all this,” Alec says, sounding like he might cry.

“We wanted to,” Blake says. “We wanted to help.”

They sit quietly for a while. Alec doesn’t seem like he knows what to do with himself, and Blake doesn’t want to push him to do anything.

“I probably need to get groceries,” Alec says. “Fuck.”

“We can order something tonight,” Blake says. “I know you don’t like cooking.”

“Yeah, that’s a good idea. I’ll still need to go at some point though.”

“Maybe we can go in an hour or two,” Blake suggests.

“Ok yeah.” Alec is quiet for a minute. “I’m gonna get some water. Do you want anything?”

“Let’s see what stuff you have in the kitchen,” Blake says. “So we can make a list of what to get at the store.”

Alec nods and Blake follows him into the kitchen. Alec immediately stops when he walks in, looking around in confusion.

“Everything is gone,” he says.

“What?” Blake says. He glances at the kitchen; there’s not much there but it looks exactly the way they left it.

"You took it,” Alec says quietly.

It takes Blake a moment to figure out what he’s talking about before he remembers that he and Cam got rid of all of Alec’s alcohol. He remembers all the different bottles sitting on the counter, remembers Cam offering them to him and him saying no because he couldn’t imagine ever being able to drink them without feeling guilty.

“Alec-“ Blake says.

“That was nice stuff,” Alec says, his voice shaking slightly.

“We couldn’t just leave it here.”

"It was high quality shit. Like, it was expensive. None of the stuff in here was anything I drank normally, it was all for special occasions or when other people were over. It was fucking expensive. And you just took it.”

“What were we supposed to do?” Blake asks. His tone is more sad than upset. He had thought that Alec would be thankful they had taken everything away so he didn’t have to deal with it himself. “You know you aren’t supposed to drink anymore.”

“I didn’t want to drink it,” Alec says. He wipes his eyes with the sleeve of his shirt. “I just… I just wanted to have it. I bought it. It was mine.”

“Let’s get you some water,” Blake says.

Alec just stands there, blinking back tears, while Blake fills the cup with tap water. He places a hand on Alec’s shoulder.

“Let’s go sit, yeah?” Blake says.

Alec nods but doesn’t say anything. Blake follows him back into the living room and watches him sit on the couch. He hands him the cup of water.

“Can I sit next to you?” Blake asks.

“Yeah,” Alec says.

Blake sits down on the couch next to him. He doesn’t talk for a while, waiting to see if Alec will say anything. But he doesn’t. He just holds the cup of water, his hands shaking slightly.

“I can pay you back whatever it cost,” Blake says. “If that’s what’s really bothering you.”

Alec shakes his head. He stares at the cup of water for a few more seconds before saying anything.

“I just, I don’t know how to live here,” Alec says. “I’ve never… I’ve never been here sober.” He pauses and laughs sadly. “Christ, that’s depressing. But it’s true. And I know it’s dumb to be upset about the fucking booze being gone. I know it was the right thing for you to do. But everything is so different now. And not even my apartment is the same anymore. I thought being home would make things easier. But it’s all so fucking hard.”

“I’m sorry,” Blake says.

“It’s not your fault,” Alec says. “It’s just gonna be hard. And I’m gonna have to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to deal with that.”

“You know what I realized in rehab?” Alec says.

“What?” Blake asks.

“I need to get fucking laid,” Alec replies. Blake laughs. “I’m serious,” Alec says. “I’m horny all the time now. I’ve been jerking off every day, sometimes more than once.”

“You’re twenty. I don’t think that’s particularly unusual,” Blake says.

“I guess.” Alec pauses for a second. “I just never realized how much drinking was fucking up my sex drive. I honestly can’t remember the last time I was this desperate to have sex.”

“I hope you know you’re absolutely killing me,” Blake says.

“What? Why?”

“Because if I could, I would let you fuck me right now.”

“Jesus, Blake,” Alec says. He looks down at the ground and Blake wonders what exactly he’s thinking. Wonders if he wants it as much as Blake does.

“You know I think about it sometimes,” Blake says. “Us, having sex. Sometimes I imagine you fucking me when I’m getting myself off.”

“I’m sure Leo appreciates that,” Alec says sarcastically.

“He doesn’t have to know,” Blake says. “I think about a lot of things. Most of which I don’t plan on telling him about.” Blake pauses, thinking about what to say. “Do you ever think about me?” he asks.

Alec sighs and Blake thinks for a moment that he’s not going to answer.

“Yeah, sometimes,” he says quietly.

Blake bites his lip hard. He can’t help but imagine Alec touching himself while thinking about him, and he wishes he wasn’t as turned on by that image as he is.

“What do you think about?” Blake asks.

“Blake, I’m not doing this,” Alec says. “This isn’t good for either of us. We can’t sleep together. You know that.”

“I didn’t say we should,” Blake replies.

“I know. But I also know you.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means, if we talk about this, you’re gonna want to do it. And I don’t know if I’ll be able to say no if you ask me.”

Blake looks at him for a few seconds. He remembers sitting on this same couch, both of them drunk, and asking Alec to have sex with him. He remembers Alec touching him and kissing him, remembers the way he felt inside him, and he knows he won’t be able to stop thinking about it all night.

“He wouldn’t have to know,” Blake says quietly.

“Blake-“

“I wouldn’t say anything. And it would just be this one time.”

“It’s not a good idea.”

“We both want it,” Blake says. Alec bites his lip.

“I know, but if Leo finds out….”

“He’s not gonna find out. And if he does, he’ll be mad at me, not you.” Blake pauses and looks directly into Alec’s eyes. “Alec, I want you to fuck me. I want your cock inside me again. I want it so bad.”

Alec closes his eyes for a second and takes a deep breath.

“You’re evil, you know that?”

“I’m taking that as a yes,” Blake says with a smirk.

“Come on,” Alec says, standing up and walking toward his bedroom. “Let’s do this before I think about it too much and change my mind.”

Blake follows close behind him, his head buzzing. He hadn’t actually thought that Alec would agree, and he certainly hadn’t planned on any of this happening when he picked Alec up earlier.

Alec shuts the bedroom door behind them and grabs Blake around the waist, pulling him close to kiss him. It’s much more forceful and passionate than how he remembers Alec kissing him, and he feels almost dizzy with arousal. He kisses back, trying to match the intensity, trying to show that he wants this just as much as Alec does.

When Alec finally pulls away, they’re both breathing hard, and Alec’s skin is slightly flushed. They look at one another for a few moments and Blake half expects Alec to tell him that he’s changed his mind. But he doesn’t. Instead, he moves to his bed, pulling Blake with him.

Blake ends up on top of Alec and he can feel Alec’s cock hard against him through his jeans. He moans softly and buries his head against Alec, kissing his neck while he grinds against him. He briefly remembers that he should be careful not to give Alec any hickeys just in case they see Leo tomorrow.

Alec slides his hands up the back of Blake’s shirt and Blake moves away from him just enough that he can pull the shirt over his head. They keep making out, slowly removing each other’s clothing until they’re both naked. Alec is rubbing his cock against Blake, both of them desperately hard, when he pushes Blake away.

“Shit, I just realized, I don’t think I have lube,” Alec says.

“It’s ok, I have some,” Blake says. Alec raises his eyebrows. “I keep stuff in my wallet, just in case,” Blake adds, realizing that it might seem like he had been planning on having sex with Alec tonight. “It comes in handy more often than you’d think.”

Alec briefly looks like he might say something, but he seems to think better of it and just nods instead. Blake moves off of him and stands up, grabbing his jeans off the floor and pulling his wallet out of the pocket. He opens it and grabs a lube packet and a condom and hands them to Alec.

“I didn’t know they made packets of this shit,” Alec says, looking at the lube.

“I have a bunch if you ever want some,” Blake says.

“I’m just glad you have one now,” Alec says. “C’mere.”

He grabs Blake’s hand and pulls him back on top of him, groaning as Blake presses against his cock. Blake kisses Alec’s neck again while Alec tears open the packet of lube. After a moment, Alec presses a finger into Blake and then pulls his head up slightly with his other hand to kiss him as he thrusts his finger in and out.

“Fuck,” Blake moans, pressing his cock against Alec’s stomach.

Alec keeps fingering him as they kiss and Blake feels like his body is surging with electricity. When Alec stops kissing him, he immediately wants him back again, but Alec brushes Blake’s hair back and just looks at him for a moment. His eyelids are half closed and he looks almost drunk.

“Can I fuck you?” Alec asks.

Blake isn’t sure why he’s asking when he should know what the answer is going to be, but he supposes it’s nice of him to make sure.

“Please,” Blake says.

Alec smiles slightly, letting his gaze linger on Blake’s face for a moment longer before he picks up the condom from next to him and opens it. Blake moves his body so Alec can put the condom on and then shifts back on top of him. Alec grips Blake’s hips and pulls him onto his cock, thrusting up into him as he does.

“Oh, fuck,” Alec moans.

Blake leans down and kisses him, pressing his tongue into his mouth. Alec digs his fingers hard into Blake’s back and pulls him even closer to his chest.

They stay like that for a while, their bodies pressed tightly together as Alec thrusts hard into Blake. Blake isn’t sure if it’s the position or the pace or just being with Alec again, but everything feels incredibly intense, and he knows he won’t be able to last long.

“Fuck, you feel so good,” Alec says, panting slightly.

Blake moans and pushes back hard against him, forcing him deeper. Alec swears under his breath and tightens his grip on Blake.

It doesn’t take much longer for both of them to come; Alec holds Blake close against him for a few moments afterwards and Blake can feel Alec’s heartbeat racing against his own chest. Blake almost wishes they could just stay like this, but he knows they can’t, so he moves off of Alec to lie next to him.

Alec stays still for a bit, then sits up slightly. He takes the condom off and throws it in the trash bin next to his bed, then grabs some tissues to clean up and offers one to Blake. After a few minutes, Blake gets up and grabs his clothes from off of the floor. He’s about to put his boxers on when Alec notices and turns onto his side to look at him.

“Where are you going?” Alec asks sleepily.

“I’m gonna go to sleep,” Blake replies. “I’ll see you in the morning, yeah?”

“Wait,” Alec says. “You don’t have to sleep on the couch.”

“It’s fine. I don’t mind.”

Blake pulls his boxers on and starts to walk toward the door.

“Blake,” Alec says. Blake turns back toward him, his face barely visible in the dim light of the room. “Please stay.”

Blake hesitates for a second, wondering if it would be a bad idea, wondering if this would be crossing some invisible line between them. He drops the rest of his clothes on the ground and gets back into the bed. Alec moves a bit closer to him, but not quite close enough for them to be touching.

“Thanks,” Alec says quietly.

Blake turns on his side so he’s facing Alec. He reaches over and brushes his hand across Alec’s cheek before kissing him. It’s soft, just a brief touch of lips before he pulls away again, but it feels almost more intimate than everything else they’ve done.

Alec sighs softly and puts his arm around Blake, pulling him closer. Blake briefly feels guilty, feels like maybe this is somehow a step too far. He had told himself that all of this was ok as long as it was just sex, but now, curled up together, holding one another, it seems like something more.

He quickly pushes the thought out of his mind, reminding himself of what Alec told him before they first slept together, that he just wanted sex, that he didn’t get the point of anything more.

He wonders why Alec stopped him from leaving, wonders if he just wanted to be nice and not make Blake sleep on the couch, or if he really wanted him to stay. Maybe if nothing else, he wanted someone to be there with him. Maybe this felt less scary than facing his first night home alone.

Blake moves away from Alec slightly to take his glasses off and put them on the bedside table. He pulls the covers back over himself and curls up against Alec again. Alec gently strokes the top of his head.

“Night, Blake,” he says.

“Night,” Blake says softly.

When Blake wakes up, it takes him a moment to remember where he is and what happened the night before. Alec is still asleep, his arm draped over Blake, and Blake just looks at him for a minute. It’s strange to see him like this, sleeping peacefully. It’s far from the first time he’s shared a bed with Alec, but it’s different. Alec opens his eyes slightly, then blinks a few times and rubs his eyes.

“Hey,” Alec says, his voice still gravelly with sleep.

“Hey,” Blake says.

Alec shifts on the bed slightly so he’s closer to Blake. Blake wants to kiss him, to hold him, but he isn’t sure if Alec would be ok with it. He isn’t sure if last night was really all that Alec wanted, and he doesn’t want to make him uncomfortable.

Blake moves his legs slightly and Alec inhales sharply as Blake’s thigh brushes against his cock. Alec is hard, and just the thought of it makes Blake’s head spin. He knows it probably doesn’t mean anything, it’s not like he’s never woken up hard before, but he can’t help but think that maybe Alec wants something more to happen between them.

Blake shifts again, making sure to press himself against Alec’s erection. Alec moans softly and buries his head against the pillow. Blake keeps moving gently against him; Alec doesn’t say anything, but his heavy breathing tells Blake everything he needs to know. He reaches over and takes Alec’s cock in his hand, causing Alec’s breath to hitch.

“I could take care of this,” Blake says. His voice is soft but insistent. “I’ll let you fuck me again.”

“We don’t have any more lube,” Alec says.

Blake is surprised that he isn’t protesting the idea at all, but he supposes it’s hard to object when someone is touching your cock.

“Then I’ll suck you off,” Blake says.

Alec hesitates for just a few seconds before nodding. Blake smiles and pulls the comforter off of them. He wasn’t especially turned on previously, but seeing Alec like this, naked and hard and waiting for Blake to touch him, sends a bullet of arousal through his body. He feels almost guilty for wanting this so badly.

Blake looks at Alec for a second, trying to decide if he should kiss him or not. He eventually decides against it; he feels like what they’ve done is probably already too much. Instead, he just moves on top of Alec, stroking him slowly as he takes his cock in his mouth.

“Oh, fuck,” Alec moans.

Blake keeps touching him, taking him deeper and swirling his tongue around him. Blake presses his own cock against Alec’s leg, grinding gently against him.

“Fuck, I forgot how good at this you are,” Alec says. “Jesus.”

Blake moans around Alec’s cock and Alec grips the bed sheets tightly. The whole time, Blake keeps thinking about the night before, about Alec holding him as he pushed inside him, about the way he sounded when he came. He wants to touch himself, but he doesn’t, just focusing on Alec.

“I’m gonna come,” Alec says, breathing heavily.

Blake nods slightly and takes Alec even deeper in his throat. Alec swears under his breath, his chest rising and falling even more rapidly. It only takes a few more seconds before he finishes; Blake swallows before pulling away.

Alec opens his eyes and looks at Blake for a moment without saying anything. He blinks a few times and shakes his head slowly.

“Holy shit,” Alec says quietly.

“Good?” Blake asks with a slight smile.

“Yeah, fuck.” Alec pauses for a second, still trying to collect himself. “Do you want me to… I mean, I can’t do it like you do. But I could try.”

“No, it’s fine,” Blake says. “Would you just toss me off?”

The idea of Alec sucking him off is incredibly hot, but he can tell Alec is uncomfortable with the idea.

“Yeah,” Alec says, nodding. “I can do that.”

Blake lies down next to Alec and Alec runs his hands across his chest. Blake moans softly, his skin electric wherever Alec touches him. The way Alec looks at him makes his stomach flip; there’s something in his gaze that’s both soft and desperate at the same time. Alec slides his hand down Blake’s torso, brushing his fingers against Blake’s hips for a moment before grasping his cock.

“Oh,” Blake moans.

Alec strokes him slowly, brushing his other hand across Blake’s cheek before tilting his head slightly and kissing him. Blake kisses back eagerly. He knows that kissing is far from the most sexual aspect of what they’re doing, but it feels the most intimate. It makes everything feel less like just getting off together and more like something real. Like something that Alec really wants.

It doesn’t take long for Blake to come, he had been achingly hard to begin with, and almost as soon as he does Alec pulls away from him. It stings a little, knowing that Alec doesn’t want to keep kissing and touching him, but he doesn’t know what else he expected. They both lie there quietly for a minute before Alec moves to get up.

“I’m gonna go shower,” he says.

“Ok,” Blake replies.

Blake watches as Alec stands up and walks to the bathroom, staying still for a few moments after the door slams shut. He doesn’t know why it bothers him so much that Alec clearly just wants sex, especially since he had assumed that was all he wanted too.

He sighs and gets up, walking to the living room to get clean clothes from his bag. Once he’s dressed, he sits on the couch and grabs his phone from the coffee table where he left it the night before. He’s annoyed that he forgot to charge it, but luckily it’s not totally dead.

He scrolls through his notifications, mostly things he doesn’t really care about, until he sees a text from Leo. He unlocks his phone and reads it: hope you’re having a good time with Alec, miss you lots. Blake just stares at the words. He suddenly feels incredibly guilty about what happened between him and Alec, and he can’t think of a response to Leo that won’t make him feel even worse. So he just turns his phone off.

After a minute or two, Blake decides that the best way to stop thinking about everything so much is to do something to distract himself. He goes to the kitchen and grabs some eggs from the fridge and a pan. Alec walks into the kitchen a few minutes later, his hair wet from the shower.

“Hey,” Blake says. “I’m making us breakfast.”

“Oh, thanks,” Alec says. “Do you want me to help or anything?”

“It’s eggs,” Blake says. “I think I can handle it.” He pauses for a second. “You could make toast I guess. And maybe some tea?”

“Sure,” Alec replies.

Chapter Text

Blake is over at Alec’s apartment again the next day. He had planned to give Alec some space, but Alec had invited him and Leo over.

“Thanks for coming over,” Alec says as he lets Blake in.

“Yeah, for sure,” Blake replies. “Sorry Leo couldn’t make it, he said he might stop by later.”

“No worries.”

They sit in the living room, both of them quiet for a few moments, not really sure what to do or say.

“So,” Blake says. “How are you doing?”

Alec sighs.

“Ok. I guess.” He pauses for a moment. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m supposed to do with myself, to be honest.”

“I mean, whatever you want, I guess,” Blake replies.

“Yeah. I just, I don’t know. Turns out there’s a lot more hours in the day if you don’t spend most of them drunk or asleep.”

Blake tries to think of a good response to that, but he isn’t sure what to say. Most of the time he’s spent with Alec has centered around either the band or drinking, and he realizes he doesn’t know if Alec has any hobbies.

“That sounds hard,” Blake says after a bit.

“Yeah.”

They sit quietly for another few minutes. Alec picks at his thumb, looking anxious.

“So are you gonna do another program thing now?” Blake asks. “Like go to AA or something?”

“I dunno,” Alec says. “They wanted me to. I have a list of places I’m supposed to call and shit like that.”

“Are you gonna call any of them?”

Blake knows the answer is no, but he feels like he needs to ask anyway. For a brief moment he holds onto the hope that Alec has changed his mind about all of this, that after a month they managed to drill into his head that this was serious. Then Alec shakes his head.

“It’s not, it’s not my thing,” he says softly. “They want you to, I don’t know, find god or some higher purpose and change your whole life. It’s just… it’s a lot.”

“There’s gotta be stuff that isn’t religious,” Blake says. “I’m sure you could find something.”

“Yeah, maybe,” Alec says. But Blake can tell from the tone of his voice that he’s not going to try.

“I could look with you if you want. I just think it would be good for you to have something more structured, you know?”

“Blake,” Alec says, shaking his head. “I just got home two days ago. I need a fucking break.”

“This isn’t the kind of thing you get to take a break from,” Blake says. It comes out harsher than he means it to and the change in Alec’s expression makes him regret it instantly.

“You know I didn’t want to do this, right?” Alec says. “I didn’t want to do any of this. But I did. And I thought it would fucking kill me, Blake. You have absolutely no idea what that was like. I did what you wanted. I’m fucking done.”

Blake just stares at him for a moment.

“Ok,” he says softly.

There’s another long silence before Alec speaks again.

“Sorry. It’s… it hasn’t been an easy two days.”

Blake nods.

“You want to watch a movie?” he asks.

“Yeah, sure.”

***

“I’m gonna go get a drink,” Blake says to Leo. “You want anything?”

“Do you really have to drink tonight?” Leo asks.

“Why shouldn’t I?”

“Just, I don’t know, Alec’s only been back for like a week.”

“Yeah, and I didn’t offer to get him anything, did I?” Blake says.

“It would be nice if you didn’t drink in front of him is all I’m saying.”

“I’m not the one who has a problem,” Blake says. “I don’t see why we need to act like no one in the whole world drinks when we’re around him.”

“Because it’s a nice thing to do,” Leo replies, annoyed.

***

“I’m gonna go out tonight with Josh and Ethan, you wanna come?” Blake asks.

Alec looks at him for a moment before replying.

“To a pub?” he asks.

“I mean, well, yeah.” Blake hadn’t really thought the whole thing through before asking. He had just figured Alec might want something to do, especially after what he had said the other week about not knowing how to spend his time. “But they won’t care if you don’t drink. I doubt they’d even notice.”

“But you’re gonna drink though,” Alec says quietly. “Right?”

“Yeah,” Blake says, looking at the floor. Alec sighs.

“I’ll see you at practice on Sunday,” Alec says. He starts to walk toward the door.

“Wait,” Blake says. “You’re sure? You haven’t seen them in forever. And, don’t get me wrong, I like spending time with them, but it’s not the same without you.”

“Blake, I’m really trying, ok? I know everyone thinks I’m not taking this shit seriously, but if that were true I would’ve gone straight to the liquor store the day I got out. Please don’t make this harder than it already is.”

***

Alec is staring into his soda and trying not to let the noise get to him too much when he notices Blake slip away from the group he had been talking with and duck out of the bar. He doesn’t give himself time to think, he just gets up and follows him. It’s not just the noise or the stagnant warm air, everything tonight is making him feel like his skin is crawling.

Blake glances up briefly from lighting his cigarette when Alec walks out, giving him a slight nod.

“Alright?” Blake asks.

“Yeah,” Alec replies unconvincingly.

Blake hesitates for a second, then tentatively holds out a cigarette to Alec.

“You can smoke, right?” Blake asks. “Like I’m not being a total asshole?”

Alec takes the cigarette and shakes his head.

“I can do whatever the fuck I want,” he says. “Lighter?”

“You know what I mean,” Blake says. He hands his lighter to Alec.

Alec ignores him and lights the cigarette. He inhales, and as soon as the smoke enters his lungs, he feels a little better. He hands the lighter back to Blake and takes a few more drags before saying anything.

“I smoked more in rehab than I do normally,” he says. “Everyone smoked there. I guess cause it’s the only shit they’d let you have.”

“You sure you’re ok?” Blake asks.

Alec wonders if Blake is just being considerate or if it’s that obvious that he’s not having a good night.

“Just needed some air,” Alec says, his gaze locked on the ground. He swallows. “It’s a lot, y’know? I guess I never thought about how many shows we played at bars and shit.”

“We can talk to Cam-“

“I didn’t say I couldn’t handle it,” Alec says, cutting him off.

Blake is quiet for a moment.

“I’m really glad you’re taking this seriously,” he says. “I know you didn’t want to go.”

“Yeah, well, not like I had much of a choice.”

“But you have a choice now.” Blake pauses, staring at the cigarette in his hand. “Cam told us not to expect too much. I mean, obviously we all wanted you to just never drink again, but he said that probably wasn’t realistic. I don’t know, it’s just nice to know you’re trying.”

Alec doesn’t know what to say. It’s not that he hadn’t thought about drinking again – some days it felt like that was the only thing he could think about – but he had assumed that everyone was expecting him to be sober going forward. Knowing that at least Cam had thought he either wouldn’t or couldn’t do that makes him feel… he isn’t quite sure. Upset? Relieved? The thought of going inside and ordering a drink tugs at the back of his mind. Why was he trying so hard?

“I don’t want to do this forever,” Alec finally says. “I just, I need to prove that I can.”

The unspoken truth is that he’s terrified he can’t. He had never actually tried to stop drinking before this, and as much as he hates to admit it, being in rehab, going through withdrawal, it was a wakeup call.

“I mean, you seem like you’re doing good,” Blake says.

“Sure,” Alec says quietly.

Blake finishes his cigarette and tosses the butt on the ground.

“I’m gonna head back in, you sure you’ll be alright?” he asks.

“Yeah.”

Blake nods, then walks away, leaving Alec alone with his cigarette and his thoughts.

***

While Blake and Leo are off talking with some friends he doesn’t know, Finn sits with Alec at the small table they’ve claimed in the corner of the pub. They’ve been making casual conversation for a while when the topic shifts to Blake and Leo.

“How are you feeling about all that?” Alec asks, motioning vaguely in the direction the two of them went.

“I don’t know,” Finn says with a sigh. “He’s been with Leo for, what, half a year now? I should be over it. But I’m not.”

“I don’t blame you for still being hung up on him,” Alec says. “I didn’t really understand what you and Leo saw in him for the longest time, but after sleeping with him, I get it. I mean, I wouldn’t want to like, date him, but still.”

“Wait, what?” Finn says. For a moment he isn’t sure he heard Alec right, but Alec’s face drops immediately, and he knows he did.

“You didn’t know, did you?” Alec says quietly. “Fuck, Finn, I’m so sorry.”

“You had sex with Blake?” Finn asks. He tries not to sound upset, but he can’t stop his voice from shaking slightly.

“I thought he would’ve told you.”

“When did this happen?” Finn asks.

He feels like he might cry. It shouldn’t matter. He’s sure Blake has slept with tons of people since he was with Finn, but somehow this feels infinitely worse.

“It was a while ago,” Alec says. “October or November I think.”

“Oh,” Finn says softly.

He tries to think back over the past few months, over everything that’s happened. It all feels different now. Part of him wonders if all of Blake’s concern for Alec was out of something more than just friendship. He feels bad for even thinking that, but he can’t help but wonder.

“Leo knows?” Finn asks. He can’t imagine that he wouldn’t, but part of him hopes that this is more of a secret than it seems to be.

“Yeah,” Alec says. “He figured it out pretty quickly. And he was super pissed at Blake.”

“Really?”

Finn had assumed that Leo was ok with Blake sleeping with other people, especially since he’s still with Emily, so he’s a bit surprised. He remembers Blake’s offer to hook up with him again and he wonders if Leo would’ve been mad about that if Finn had accepted.

“Neither of us had realized he would be upset about it or we wouldn’t have done it,” Alec says. “Or at least I wouldn’t have.”

“I didn’t know you were into guys,” Finn says. Alec shrugs.

“It’s not like I’m planning on telling anyone, ya know? I probably wouldn’t have even done anything about it if Blake hadn’t offered.”

Finn just nods, not sure what to say. He wants to ask more about what happened but he’s pretty sure it would just make him more upset. Even knowing that Blake was the one who offered to sleep with Alec makes him feel awful.

“I really thought you knew,” Alec says after an uncomfortable silence.

“It’s ok,” Finn replies.

Chapter Text

Blake and Emily are about to leave his apartment to go out when his phone rings. He grabs it from his pocket and glances at the screen, about to decline the call when he sees it’s from Alec.

“Sorry, I gotta take this,” Blake says to Emily. Alec usually only texts him and he’s worried something is wrong. “Hello?” Blake says.

“Blake?” Alec asks.

“Yeah, what’s up?”

“Can you come over?” Alec asks. Blake glances over at Emily.

“I’m kind of busy right now,” he says. “I could come over tomorrow or something.” He waits for a moment but Alec doesn’t reply. “Is everything ok?”

“I fucked up,” Alec says quietly.

“What happened?”

“Can you please come over?”

Blake sighs and looks back at Emily. She tilts her head slightly, confused.

“Yeah, ok,” Blake says. “I’ll be there in like twenty minutes.”

“Ok,” Alec replies.

Blake hangs up and shoves his phone back in his pocket.

“What’s going on?” Emily asks. “You’re going somewhere?”

“I’m really sorry,” Blake says. “It’s Alec. I need to make sure he’s ok.”

He opens the door and waits for Emily to follow him out into the hall before closing and locking it behind them. They walk to the elevator and Blake presses the button for the ground floor.

“We’ve barely seen each other lately,” Emily says sadly.

“I know,” Blake replies. “Trust me, I would much rather be with you tonight, ok?” The elevator doors open and they walk out into the lobby.

“Do you really have to go?” Emily asks.

“He sounded bad, Em. And he won’t call anyone else.” Blake pauses for a moment. “I’ll text you tomorrow, ok? I’ll make this up to you, promise.”

“Ok,” she says. Blake opens the door for her and they walk out onto the sidewalk in front of the building.

“I love you,” Blake says. He gives Emily a quick kiss. “Drive safe.”

“You too,” she says as she walks over to her car.

Blake is anxious the entire drive to Alec’s apartment. Alec had seemed to be doing well since he got out of rehab a few weeks ago, but now Blake isn’t so sure. Part of him hopes that this has nothing to do with alcohol, but he’s almost certain that isn’t the case.

As soon as Alec opens the door, Blake knows he was right. He can smell the alcohol on Alec immediately. He doesn’t say anything until they’re inside the apartment and sitting down on the couch.

“How much did you drink?” Blake asks.

He doesn’t see much point in pretending he doesn’t know what’s going on. Alec just looks at him. Blake is about to repeat the question when Alec responds.

“I didn’t think it was that much,” he says. “But not drinking for so long really fucked up my tolerance.” He buries his head in his hands.

“Alec, I need to know how much so I can decide if we need to go to the hospital.”

“We don’t,” Alec says quickly. “It was like… like half a bottle?”

“Half a bottle of what? Vodka?” Blake asks. He’s known Alec long enough to know his drink of choice. Alec nods. “Christ.”

“It was a small bottle,” Alec says quietly. “I just drank a bit, and I didn’t feel anything, so I kept drinking and then I realized how much I’d had. So I called you.”

“I thought you were doing better,” Blake says.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize to me.” Blake sighs. “I just don’t know what to do. What the hell am I supposed to do, Alec?”

Alec bites his lip; he looks like he might cry.

“I shouldn’t have asked you to come over,” Alec says softly. “You can go. I’m just being fucking stupid.”

“You’re not being stupid. And I’m not going anywhere. Just, I don’t know, next time call me before you down half a bottle of vodka.”

“I thought it would be ok.”

“You thought drinking that much would be ok?” Blake asks incredulously.

“I wasn’t going to,” Alec replies. “It’s just, I don’t know, it’s been a shit week and I have to drive past the fucking liquor store every time I go to buy groceries and, god, I wanted a drink. I figured, ya know, it couldn’t be that bad. Just one drink. And the fucking clerk recognized me.” Alec laughs sadly. “Said he had been wondering where I was. Christ.”

“Did you tell him?”

“No. Don’t think you can just casually bring that up when you’re buying a bottle of vodka.”

“I guess not,” Blake says.

“I just want to be ok,” Alec says, his eyes watery. “But I keep fucking everything up.”

“Alec, it’s gonna be fine,” Blake says. He places his hand on Alec’s shoulder. “One slip up isn’t the end of the world. It’s a process, yeah?”

“I’m scared,” Alec says, his voice barely above a whisper. Blake wraps his arms around him and squeezes him.

"You’ve been through a hell of a lot worse than this,” Blake says. “But you always make it out ok in the end.”

They sit quietly for a while. Blake doesn’t know what to do. Alec still seems surprisingly alert, but Blake knows he can’t leave him. After a few more minutes Blake pulls away from Alec and stands up.

“You should drink some water,” he says. Alec nods but doesn’t say anything.

Blake walks into Alec’s kitchen and fills two glasses with tap water. He stays there for a moment longer, just staring at the countertop, before he walks back to the living room and hands a glass to Alec. Alec takes a small sip and sets the glass down.

“Drink more,” Blake says. Alec rolls his eyes and picks the glass back up. “How are you feeling?” Blake asks before sitting back down next to Alec.

“I feel… floaty. Kinda. But not like bad. Just….” Alec makes a motion with his hand. Blake laughs a little.

“God, I can’t remember the last time you actually acted drunk,” Blake says. “Usually you’re either a depressed asshole or fucked up to the point you can’t function.”

“We should do this more often,” Alec says, his words sliding together slightly.

“What? Get drunk?” Blake asks.

“I mean not like, drunk drunk. But this is good,” Alec says. He pauses for a moment. “I mean, everyone is always like, telling me how bad I felt when I was drinking all the time. Like that I was sad or whatever. But they don’t fuckin’ know.”

“Alec, you were miserable.”

“Nooo,” Alec says, drawing out the last syllable. “I wasn’t miserable. I wasn’t… anything. I was just,” he pauses and waves his hands around again, “just…. fuck.” He pushes his palms up against his eyes.

“You good?” Blake asks.

“Mmmhmm.”

As he’s getting ready to leave in the morning, Blake grabs the half empty bottle of vodka from Alec’s dresser.

“I’m gonna take this,” he says. Alec stares at him for a moment.

“Don’t,” Alec says softly.

“Alec, come on.”

“I paid for it,” Alec replies.

“Jesus Christ,” Blake says. He grabs his wallet from his pocket and pulls out a £20 bill. He holds it out to Alec. “Take it.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Alec says.

“Of course it’s not,” Blake says. “Because it’s not about the fucking money. You could afford a hundred bottles of this shit.” Blake runs his hand through his hair. “God, Alec, you have to at least try.”

“You think I haven’t been fucking trying?” Alec snaps. “You think I haven’t been trying every single day up until now? You have no idea how hard it’s been. No fucking idea.”

Blake sighs and puts the bottle back on Alec’s dresser.

“Ok. I’m sorry,” he says. “Keep it. Whatever.”

Alec looks like he wants to say something else, but he doesn’t. They both look at each other for a moment, and Blake’s chest aches. He knows that one bad day doesn’t necessarily mean Alec is giving up, but he also knows that if Alec wants to start drinking again, there’s not much he can do.

“I’m here if you need anything,” Blake says after the silence becomes too much. “I’ll see you, yeah?”

Alec just nods and watches Blake leave with an unreadable expression.

Chapter Text

Emily rests her head against Blake’s shoulder and takes his hand in hers. Usually he would put his arm around her or kiss her, but he doesn’t. She looks up, trying to make eye contact, but he’s staring off into the distance distractedly. Emily runs her thumb against the side of his hand.

They’re both still for a few minutes and Emily wishes he would say something. She moves her hand and rubs it across his thigh. He glances at her and she kisses him, moving her palm to his crotch. He only briefly kisses back before turning his head slightly to the side and pushing her hand away.

“What’s wrong?” Emily asks.

“Nothing,” Blake says with a sigh.

“Come on, something’s wrong.”

“I’m just tired, ok?”

“Blake, you can talk to me. Please. I just, I feel like we’ve been distant lately. I want you to talk to me.”

Blake takes a deep breath and looks at her for a moment.

“I’ve just been thinking about stuff, you know?” he says. “And I don’t… I mean, I love you, I do. But I’ve been thinking about us and our relationship and, and I don’t know if we should be together. I don’t think it’s good for either of us.”

Emily just stares at him, trying to understand what he said.

“Are you fucking serious?” she asks.

“Em….”

“After everything we’ve been through?”

“I know.” Blake takes her hand in his. “I know this is shitty. But I can’t… I can’t do this. You deserve better.”

Emily feels like she might cry. Of course she knows that their relationship isn’t good for her, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love Blake.

“I can’t change your mind, can I?” Emily says quietly. Blake shakes his head.

“I’m sorry.”

Blake lets go of her hand and they just sit there for a few minutes.

“Can we still be friends?” Blake asks after a long silence.

Emily bites her lip and stares at the floor for a moment. Part of her wants to say no, to make him realize how much he’s hurting her, to try to make him regret it. But she can’t. She wants him in whatever way she can have him, even if it kills her to think about it.

“Yeah,” she says. “We can be friends.”

Emily manages to make it out of Blake’s apartment and to her car before she starts crying. Part of her wants to believe that this will just be like every other time they’ve broken up over the past few years, that in a week or two he’ll text her and apologize and they’ll get back together. But she knows this is different. She wipes her eyes, trying not to smudge her makeup even more, and texts her friend Jess to ask if she can come over.

Even though Emily didn’t say why she wanted to come over, Jess responds quickly with a yes and a concerned message that Emily ignores. She just tells Jess she’s on her way and starts driving.

“Wait, what happened?” Jess asks as Emily follows her into her room.

“He just… broke up with me,” Emily says, trying not to cry.

“Did he say why?”

“I mean, kinda. Not really. Just like, like he said that he thinks it’s not good for me to be with him.”

“He’s not wrong,” Jess says. “I’ve been telling you that for a long time.”

“But that’s not a reason to break up with me,” Emily says. “That’s… that’s a bullshit excuse. Things have been good lately, you know? Like why didn’t he care about being good for me when he cheated on me? Or when he didn’t tell me about Leo? Or any of the other times he fucked up? Why does he care now when things are finally ok?”

“So, what, you think there was another reason that he didn’t want to say?” Jess asks.

“I don’t know. Probably, right?”

“He’s still with Leo, isn’t he?”

Emily nods. It’s really not something she wants to be thinking about right now and she considers telling Jess that, but decides against it.

“Maybe Leo told him he had to end things,” Jess suggests.

“He wouldn’t,” Emily replies. “I know Leo, that’s not something he would do.”

“Then I don’t know. Honestly, I’ve never understood why he does the things he does.” Jess pauses for a moment. “Emily, you’re an amazing person. You’re smart and kind and super fucking hot and if Blake can’t see that, then fuck him.”

“Thanks,” Emily says quietly. But it doesn’t make her feel any better.

***

Blake parks his car and pulls out his phone to call Alec. It rings a few times before he picks up.

“Hello?” Alec says.

“Hey, it’s Blake. I’m gonna go get really drunk, you wanna come?” Blake asks.

Alec is quiet for a few moments, almost long enough that Blake isn’t sure he’s still there.

“You know I’m not supposed to drink anymore,” Alec finally says.

“So you’re still pretending you’re sober?” Blake asks.

“Fuck you.”

“Look, I just didn’t want to go get drunk by myself. You can say no if you don’t want to come.”

“It’s just fucked up that you’re even asking me,” Alec says.

“Even if I know you’re drinking again?” Blake replies. Alec doesn’t respond for a few seconds.

“You’re an asshole, you know that?” Alec says.

“I know,” Blake replies. “But do you want to come or not? I’m parked outside your building.” Alec sighs.

“Give me ten minutes.”

“So why exactly are we doing this?” Alec asks as he gets into the car.

"Yeah, I’m gonna need at least three drinks before we get into that,” Blake replies.

“I know I don’t really get to say this, but you know drinking isn’t a good way to deal with whatever’s going on,” Alec says.

“What else am I supposed to do?” Blake says. Alec shrugs.

“Clearly neither of us have that figured out,” he says.

“Yeah.”

Alec waits until Blake has finished his fourth drink before trying to talk to him again.“You want to tell me what’s going on?” Alec asks.

“Not really,” Blake replies. He pauses for a moment. “You’re gonna keep asking me all night though, aren’t you?”

“Probably.”

“Fine,” Blake says with a sigh. “Emily and I broke up.”

“Oh,” Alec says, a bit surprised. For all the times Blake and Emily had broken up, Blake had never seemed this upset. “Do you think it’s for real this time?”

“Yeah.” Blake goes to take a drink from his glass before realizing it’s empty. “Fuck, I need another drink,” he mumbles.

“What happened?” Alec asks.

“You know,” Blake says, looking at the table instead of at Alec, “whenever we’ve broken up, it’s always been her. Like, she always broke up with me.”

“Because you cheated on her,” Alec says.

“Yeah, yeah,” Blake replies, waving his hand dismissively. “But this time I did it. I always imagined it would be easier on the person who ended things. But fuck, man. It sucks.”

“Wait, you broke up with her?” Alec asks. Blake nods. “Why?”

“I dunno,” Blake says, shaking his head. “I just did.”

“Was it about Leo?”

“No.” Blake pauses. “I mean, it wasn’t, but it wasn’t not. You know?”

Alec just stares at him, not sure what to say.

“Like, I love her,” Blake continues. “I really do. Really, really. But it just….” He gestures vaguely. “It’s better for her, right?” he asks. “Not to be with me?”

“I don’t know, Blake,” Alec says.

“God it’s all so fucked,” Blake says. He pauses for a moment and looks around. “I’m getting another drink, you want something?”

Alec glances at his half-finished drink and thinks for a second before nodding.

“Yeah, just whatever you’re getting,” he says.

“Ok,” Blake says before standing up and walking off.

Alec picks up his glass and drinks the rest of the alcohol. He hates that he’s three drinks deep and barely feels anything, even with what he had before they left. He turns the glass in his hands anxiously while he waits for Blake to get back.

“Here,” Blake says, setting another drink in front of Alec before sitting down.

“Thanks,” Alec says. He takes a sip. “So, how does Leo feel about all this?”

“Dunno,” Blake says. “I haven’t told him.”

“You told me before you told Leo?” Alec asks.

“Yeah.” Blake stares at the drink in his hand for a moment, like he’s not quite sure what to do with it, before setting it down on the table. “I just know that it’s gonna be a whole thing,” he says.

“I mean, you’re gonna have to tell him eventually,” Alec says.

“Maybe after a few more drinks.”

***

“So what did you want to talk about?” Leo asks. Blake had been vague over text and Leo was anxious all morning about what might be going on.

“Um, well,” Blake says, clearly nervous. “I, uh, broke up with Emily. And I figured you should know about it.”

“Oh,” Leo says. He’s quiet for a moment, not sure what else to say. “Are you… ok?” he finally asks.

“Yeah. I’m ok,” Blake says. He doesn’t think it’s a good idea to tell Leo about going out with Alec the night before, for a variety of reasons. Leo nods but doesn’t respond for a few seconds.

“Sorry,” Leo finally says. “I just, I wasn’t expecting this. I don’t know what I’m supposed to say.”

“It’s fine,” Blake says. “You don’t have to say anything. I’m just telling you what happened.”

“You were the one who broke up with her?” Leo asks.

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I just did,” Blake says, shaking his head.

Leo wishes he wasn’t so disappointed by Blake’s answer and he wants to ask for a better reason, but he doesn’t.

“Oh,” Leo says quietly.

“I’m gonna tell Cam or post something online or whatever the hell I’m supposed to do,” Blake says. “So people will know and it’ll be like, official, or whatever. But I wanted you to know first.”

“So you’re serious about this?” Leo asks. “You think this is really it? You’re not gonna get back together again?”

“Yeah, it’s over. For real this time.”

Leo nods but he’s not actually convinced. As much as he wants to believe it, he’s seen Blake and Emily break up and get back together too many times to not be skeptical.

“Leo, I’m serious,” Blake says after a few more moments without Leo responding.

“Ok,” Leo says. Blake sighs.

“I thought you would be happy about this.”

“I never had a problem with you being with her,” Leo says. He isn’t sure if that’s entirely the truth, but he says it anyway. “I mean, you were together for over two years before we ever did anything.”

“Yeah, but we’re not together now. And I thought that might mean something to you.”

“It does mean something,” Leo says. “I just don’t know what that something is.”

“So maybe we should talk about it,” Blake says. “About what it means for us.”

“Right now?”

“If you want.”

“I think you should take some time to process everything before we do that,” Leo says.

“I’m fine,” Blake replies. Leo shakes his head.

“Blake, I think this is a bigger deal than you’re letting on. And honestly, I need some time to think about stuff first too, ok?”

“Ok,” Blake says, clearly disappointed.

Chapter Text

Blake wakes up to the sound of an alarm going off. He feels the bed shift next to him as Leo moves, and then the alarm stops. Leo lies back down.

“Sorry,” he says quietly. “Forgot to turn that off.”

Blake picks his phone up off his bedside table and looks at the time; it’s only eight thirty.

“Why do you have an alarm for this early?” Blake mumbles, still half asleep.

“It’s when I usually get up,” Leo says. “I try and keep my sleep schedule as normal as possible. We can’t all get up at noon every day.”

“You could if you wanted to,” Blake replies.

“I guess.”

Blake rolls onto his side so he can look at Leo. Leo smiles and puts his arm around him.

“You can go back to sleep,” Leo says, gently stroking Blake’s arm.

“I don’t want to make you mess up your perfect sleep schedule,” Blake replies. “I can nap when you leave.” Leo laughs softly.

“We can stay in bed for a bit though,” Leo says. “This is nice.” Blake shifts slightly closer to Leo.

“It is, isn’t it?”

They stay there for a while, just lying together. Eventually, Blake feels his eyes slipping shut and he knows he’ll fall asleep if he doesn’t get up. So he reluctantly shifts away from Leo and props himself up on his elbows.

“I’m gonna go shower,” he says, tossing the sheets off himself and putting his glasses on.

“Ok,” Leo says. Blake is out of bed and halfway across the room when he turns back to Leo.

“You know, you’re welcome to join me,” Blake says.

“Oh, yeah, sure,” Leo says, smiling slightly.

Blake walks into the bathroom, leaving the door open for Leo, and turns the shower on. After a moment, Leo comes into the room and shuts the door behind him.

“I’m surprised we haven’t done this before,” Leo says.

“It’s because you never stay over,” Blake replies.

“I know. I wish I could more often, but it’s tricky. I don’t want to give my parents any more reason to be upset about all this.”

“Well, you’re welcome here any time,” Blake says. “It’s nice waking up next to you.”

Leo smiles, a bit sadly, and moves closer to Blake to kiss him. Blake wraps his arms around Leo and pulls him tight against his chest. They kiss for a while before Blake pulls away. He moves the shower curtain slightly and sticks his arm in to check the temperature.

“I think it’s warm enough,” he says. Leo places his hand under the water.

“Yeah, that’s good.”

Blake takes his glasses off and places them on the sink counter, then steps over the edge of the tub and into the shower. He moves close to the wall so Leo has enough room to get in. They take a moment to figure out how to stand so they can both be at least partially under the water, then Blake reaches over and brushes the wet strands of hair out of Leo’s eyes.

“I forgot how long your hair is,” Blake says. “Since you always have it pushed up.”

“It’s probably time for a haircut, huh?” Leo says.

“I dunno, I kind of like it,” Blake says with a smile. Leo ruffles Blake’s hair, getting the roots wet.

“You look good without glasses, you know,” Leo says.

“Well you look blurry,” Blake replies. Leo leans closer to Blake so their noses are almost touching.

“How about now?” Leo asks. Blake wraps his arms around Leo’s waist and kisses him briefly.

“Better,” Blake says before kissing Leo again.

They hold each other close, trying to stay under the water as much as possible. As their kiss grows more and more intense, Leo lets his hands wander across Blake’s body, down his back and then between his legs before gently pressing a finger against his entrance.

“Shit,” Blake says, pulling away slightly.

“Sorry,” Leo says, moving his hand away. “I thought….” His voice trails off awkwardly. Blake shakes his head.

“No, no, you’re fine. I just realized we didn’t bring lube.”

“Oh,” Leo says, relieved that he didn’t do anything wrong. “Do you want me to go get some?”

Blake pauses for a few seconds, thinking. He wants to say yes, but the feeling of Leo touching him is too nice and he doesn’t want him to leave.

“It’s ok. We’ll make it work,” Blake says after a moment.

“You’re sure?” Leo asks.

“Yeah, I’ve got some ideas,” Blake says with a smile.

“Mmmm,” Leo says, stroking the back of Blake’s thighs. “Why don’t you show me?”

“I would love to.”

Blake leans back into Leo, burying his head against Leo’s neck and kissing the wet skin softly. He traces his fingertips across Leo’s torso and down to his hips, moving his thumbs in small circles. Leo sighs and tightens his grip on Blake. Blake can feel Leo getting hard against him and he groans, pressing his own erection against Leo’s thigh.

“Oh,” Leo moans quietly.

He presses himself even tighter against Blake and buries his face against the top of Blake’s head. They stay like that for a few minutes until Leo goes to move his hand between them to touch Blake’s cock. But before he can, Blake grabs his wrist and stops him.

“Wait,” Blake says. “Not yet.”

Blake pulls away from Leo, almost immediately missing the intense contact, and grabs a bottle of body wash. He squeezes some into his hands and rubs his palms together until the soap lathers. Then he places his hands against Leo’s chest and gently rubs.

“Mmm,” Leo says, leaning into Blake’s touch. “That’s nice.”

Blake smiles and keeps washing Leo, caressing every inch of his chest and stomach. He wraps his arms around Leo’s waist and runs his soapy palms up and down Leo’s back. After a moment, Blake pours more body wash into his hands. Leo takes the bottle from him before he can set it down again and covers his own hands in the soapy liquid before running his palms across Blake’s shoulders and arms.

They take a few minutes to wash one another. Even though both of them are naked and hard, it’s not particularly sexual.  It’s much softer and slower than what they normally do and Blake is surprised by how nice it is.

“Shampoo?” Leo asks after they’ve both rinsed all the suds off of themselves.

“Here,” Blake says, grabbing another bottle and handing it to Leo.

Leo takes the shampoo and squirts some into his hand, then lathers it. He gives Blake a quick kiss, then runs his fingers through Blake’s hair. He frowns slightly and pulls his hands away before grabbing the bottle again.

“You have too much hair,” Leo says, shaking his head.

“Mine’s shorter than yours, you know,” Blake replies.

“I know. And your hair is shorter too,” Leo says with a smirk.

“Oh fuck off,” Blake says, but he smiles anyway and leans into Leo’s touch as Leo finishes washing his hair. Once Blake’s hair is clean, he does the same to Leo.

“You should style it like this all the time,” Blake says, pushing Leo’s hair up into a spike. Leo laughs.

“Only if you do it for me.”

They finish washing and conditioning each other’s hair, waiting for a moment before rinsing the conditioner out. Blake runs his fingers through Leo’s hair, then leans closer and kisses him. After spending so long just touching one another, Blake is desperate for more. He presses himself hard against Leo and Leo groans.

Blake keeps one hand in Leo’s hair and places the other on his chest, feeling Leo’s heart racing against his palm. Leo wraps his arms around Blake’s waist and thrusts gently against him. Blake moans and moves his hand down Leo’s body, tracing his fingertips lightly across his stomach and hips before grasping Leo’s cock.

“Fuck,” Leo says under his breath.

Blake strokes him slowly and Leo kisses him even more desperately, sliding his tongue into Blake’s mouth. After a moment, Leo places his own hand between them and moves Blake’s hand away before shifting his hips so he can wrap his palm around both of their cocks, stroking them simultaneously.

“Oh fuck,” Blake moans.

The feeling of Leo’s cock rubbing against his and the slippery wetness of the water running over them is amazing and Blake isn’t sure how much longer he’ll be able to last. Leo pushes Blake gently backwards until his back is pressed against the cold shower wall. Blake shudders slightly and pushes himself even closer up against Leo’s warm body.

Leo stops kissing Blake, burying his head against Blake’s neck instead. Blake tilts his head back to give Leo better access, leaning hard against the wall behind him. Leo moves his hand faster, kissing and gently biting down Blake’s neck and across his collarbone.

As Leo’s motions get faster, Blake can’t help but thrust harder into his hand, causing Leo to dig his nails hard into Blake’s back. Blake knows they’re both close, so he moves his hand between them and wraps it around Leo’s, squeezing tighter. Leo cries out and sinks his teeth lightly into Blake’s shoulder as he comes. The combination of the slight pain from Leo biting him and his own hand still stroking both of their cocks is enough to send Blake over the edge, and it doesn’t take long before he comes too.

“Ok?” Leo asks after a moment, gently brushing his fingers across the marks on Blake’s shoulder.

“Yeah. Fuck,” Blake says, blinking a few times to try and clear his head. “That was really, really hot.”

Leo smiles and pulls Blake back under the showerhead, softly kissing his neck and jaw while they let the water wash them clean.

After they get dried off and dressed, Blake sits on his bed and picks up a pack of cigarettes from his bedside table. He lights one up and takes a drag. Leo sits next to him and rests his head against Blake’s arm.

“You’re getting my shirt wet,” Blake says, faking annoyance.

Leo rolls his eyes and lifts his head up, staring at the ground for a moment before looking back at Blake and sighing.

“What?” Blake asks.

“Nothing,” Leo says.

“No, seriously, what?”

“I dunno,” Leo says. He rests his hand on Blake’s leg. “You should really quit smoking,” he says after a moment. “It’s awful for you.”

“Really?” Blake says with mock surprise. His voice is slightly muffled by the cigarette in his mouth. “Smoking’s bad for you? Why the hell has no one ever told me that before?” He grabs the pack of cigarettes from next to him and tosses it in the trash. “Thank god you warned me. I’ll never smoke again.” He takes another drag of his cigarette.

“Don’t be such an asshole,” Leo says. He grabs the box from the trash and sets it back on Blake’s bedside table.

“Hey,” Blake says. “How am I supposed to quit now?”

“It’s just a waste of money if you throw them out. We both know you’re gonna buy more,” Leo says, annoyed.

“Then why bother saying anything in the first place?” Blake asks.

"Because I care about you,” Leo says. “Asshole.”

“I’m sorry,” Blake says. “But I’ve smoked since I was, what, fifteen? Fourteen? You can’t just ask me to stop and expect me to do it.”

“You could try.”

“Leo….”

“I stopped,” Leo says.

“Yeah, but you smoked like Alec does. That barely counts,” Blake says. Leo sighs.

“Just think about it, yeah?” he says.

“Ok,” Blake replies, even though they both know he won’t.

Chapter Text

Blake and Leo are spending another afternoon in bed together, making out passionately. Once they’re undressed, Blake grabs lube from his bedside table and hands it to Leo, then lies down expectantly. Leo looks at him for a moment, like he’s trying to place something.

“Condom?” Leo asks.

“Oh,” Blake says. “Do we need one?”

“What?” Leo asks, confused.

“I mean, I was just thinking, now that I’m not with Emily, maybe we don’t need to use one anymore,” Blake says. Leo sighs.

“Ok, this is a conversation we need to have when we’re not in the middle of having sex.”

“Leo-“

“I’m serious. Do you want to stop and have an actual conversation about this now? Or do you want to have sex, with a condom, and then talk about it?”

“Fine,” Blake says with a sigh. He opens his bedside table drawer again and grabs a condom.

Once they’re finished, they curl up together.

“Ok,” Leo says, stroking Blake’s head gently. “Tell me about why you think we don’t need to use condoms anymore.”

“Well, I haven’t slept with anyone but you since I broke up with Emily. And we don’t have to worry about pregnancy or anything like that. And it would be one less thing to worry about, plus it would feel better for you.” Blake pauses and bites his lip. “And the idea of you fucking me and coming inside me is really, really hot.”

“When was the last time you got tested?” Leo asks.

“Umm, a bit over a year ago I think.”

"Ok, so if you seriously want to do this, we both should get tested first,” Leo says. “Just to be safe, yeah?”

“Ok, yeah,” Blake replies. “I can do that.”

“And,” Leo says, taking a deep breath, “I need you to commit to not sleeping with anyone else. I know that’s a lot to ask, but this is kind of a big deal to me. If you can’t do that, I won’t be upset or anything, I just need us to keep using protection.”

Blake doesn’t answer. It had been a while since he slept with anyone other than Leo or Emily and he had been ok with that. But to say it out loud, to make a promise to Leo, that was different.

“Blake?” Leo says.

“I’m thinking,” Blake says quietly. He pauses for a few more moments before continuing. “I really want this. I want to say yes. And right now, I honestly don’t want to be with anyone except for you. But what if that changes?”

“Then we can talk about it,” Leo says. “This doesn’t have to be a commitment to being exclusive forever, ok?”

“Ok,” Blake says. “That sounds good. I can do that.”

“Are you sure? Because I don’t want you to feel trapped or be secretly upset with me about it.”

“I’m sure.”

***

As soon as Blake gets a phone call from the clinic telling him that all his tests came back negative, he texts Leo. Just got my results back- all negative. You should come over so we can celebrate ;)

Leo had heard back a few days ago and Blake had been waiting anxiously ever since. He knows it was his fault for waiting and going later, as much as he wanted to get it over with, he had also been scared. It’s not that he had even had unprotected sex with anyone – except Emily – since the last time he got tested, but no matter what, part of him was always convinced that just by sleeping with other men he would get AIDS.

Even talking to the clinician had been terrifying. He had to fight the urge to lie when she asked him about his sex life. His voice was shaky when he replied that he’d been with both men and women. She just nodded and marked something down on her papers, but Blake felt like his heart was going to burst out of his chest. The follow up questions weren’t much easier; he was sure his face was red with embarrassment the entire time. But now it was done. It was done and it would all be worth it.

Leo texts back just a minute later with a smiley face and an offer to come over after his family finished dinner, which Blake gladly accepts.

Once Leo arrives, Blake hardly waits for him to get through the door before kissing him. He can feel Leo smile against his lips. After a moment, Leo moves away.

“So,” Leo says. “What kind of celebration were you thinking? We could go out for drinks, invite people over for a party….”

Blake interrupts him with another desperate kiss.

“Stop it,” Blake says, barely moving his lips away from Leo’s skin. “You know exactly what I want to do.”

“Hmmm?” Leo replies. “I don’t know what you’re talking-“

The rest of his sentence is cut off by a moan as Blake presses his palm against his cock. Blake can feel Leo getting hard as he keeps touching him through his pants and he feels almost lightheaded from how turned on he is. It’s not like they haven’t had sex recently, the last time they slept together was just two days ago, but the idea of Leo’s bare cock inside him is making him ache.

“Bedroom. Now,” Leo says, panting slightly.

Blake nods and they walk to the bedroom together, Blake clutching Leo’s forearm tightly.

They fall into bed together, bodies pressed up against one another, a mess of hands and lips and tangled limbs. Blake practically rips Leo’s clothes off.

“I need you,” Blake mumbles, his voice muffled against Leo’s neck.

By the time Leo has prepped him, Blake is so hard it almost hurts and all he can do is look up at Leo, his eyes glazed over with lust. Leo gasps as he pushes into him.

“Fuck,” he moans. “Fuck, Blake. You feel so good.”

Leo grips Blake’s hips hard, his hands trembling slightly from pleasure. Just watching Leo’s face as he thrusts into him is almost enough to push Blake over the edge, just knowing that he’s the one making Leo feel this good.

Neither of them are able to last very long and when Leo comes inside him, Blake digs his fingers into Leo’s arm hard enough to leave marks. His head is still buzzing as Leo moves to lie next to him and starts to kiss his shoulders and chest.

“I love you,” Leo murmurs.

“Fuck. I love you too.”

Blake turns on his side to look into Leo’s eyes, then traces his fingers across Leo’s cheek gently before kissing him.

Chapter Text

Alec wakes up to his phone ringing and as soon as he opens his eyes he feels like he might throw up. The light coming through his bedroom windows is too bright and he feels like someone is twisting a knife into his head. He fumbles for his phone and manages to find it before it stops ringing.

“Hello?” he says. His voice sounds wrong and he isn’t sure if it’s because he can’t think clearly or because he really sounds strange.

“Hey, are you coming to practice?” a voice says through the phone.

It takes Alec a moment to place it as Blake and a few seconds after that to figure out what he means. None of the words seem to make sense. Once the meaning behind it registers, a rush of panic crashes over him.

“Shit,” Alec says. “What time is it?”

“Like 4:15,” Blake replies. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah. Yeah, I’m good. Um, fuck. Can you wait like 30 minutes?”

“It’s not a big deal if you can’t come,” Blake says. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Alec doesn’t say anything for a minute. He’s not ok. He feels awful and he honestly isn’t even sure what day it is or when the last time he saw Blake was. But he doesn’t want Blake to know any of that.

“I’m ok,” Alec finally replies. He hopes it sounds convincing, but he’s pretty sure it doesn’t. “I just, I couldn’t sleep last night so I was taking a nap and I didn’t set an alarm or anything.”

“Ok,” Blake says; his voice still sounds concerned. “You should get some rest then, yeah? We can work on some stuff without you and then we’ll go over everything together on Thursday.”

“Yeah, that sounds good. I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. Are you around tonight? I feel like I haven’t seen you in forever, maybe I could come over to your place?”

“Um, yeah, sure, I’m around.”

“Ok, cool, I’ll text you.”

“Ok.”

“Get some sleep, I’ll talk to you later.”

“Ok, bye.”

Alec hangs up and tosses his phone onto the bed next to him. He lies down and presses his palms against his eyes to block out some of the light, but it doesn’t do much to stop his head from throbbing.

After a minute he decides he should get up and at least take some painkillers and have a drink to try and make himself feel better. He sits up and rests his head in his hands for a moment, waiting until he doesn’t feel quite so dizzy. He grabs a vodka bottle and a cup from his bedside table and twists the cap off. He goes to pour the alcohol, but the bottle is empty.

“Fuck,” he mutters.

He had been hoping that he wouldn’t have to get out of bed before he could drink something. He glances around his room and spots two other bottles on the floor, almost hidden among all the clothes and other miscellaneous items. He knows they’ll be empty too and he tries to think back to the last time he bought alcohol. How many bottles did he get? Usually a bottle could last him two days, maybe a bit less lately if he’s being honest with himself, but he almost always budgets it well enough to not run out before he goes back to the liquor store.

He stands up and walks to the kitchen. The sink is full of dishes, but he can’t even think about dealing with any of that right now. It’s not like his apartment isn’t always a mess, it’s just normally a little bit less of a mess than this. He opens the cabinet where he keeps his alcohol, but it’s empty. He feels a surge of panic rising in his chest.

Normally even if he didn’t remember to go to the store before he ran out of vodka, he would have something in the apartment. Even if that meant taking a shot or two of the expensive alcohol he only ever took out for guests. But he had never replaced all of the alcohol Blake and Cam got rid of when he was in rehab; everyone except Blake thought he was sober, so it didn’t make much sense to spend money on it.

He stares into the empty cabinet for a minute, trying to ignore how quickly his heart is beating. He slams the cabinet shut angrily, then immediately regrets it when the door bangs loudly against the cupboard. He stands there, leaning against the counter slightly, until he can collect his thoughts well enough to make a plan.

Thinking of all the steps it’ll take to get to the store and get alcohol makes him want to curl up in bed and never get up again. It’s too overwhelming to think about changing clothes or finding his keys or managing the five-minute drive to the liquor store. But as tempting as it is to fall back asleep, he knows he’ll only keep feeling worse and worse the longer he waits.

He walks back to his room and grabs a hoodie from a pile of laundry he never bothered to put away after washing. He takes off the t-shirt he’s been wearing for who knows how long and tosses it into a different laundry pile. He manages to find boxers, socks, and a pair of jeans that seem clean enough and puts those on too. Luckily his wallet and keys are where he usually leaves them by the door, which is more than he can say for most of the times he’s woken up this disoriented, so he’s grateful.

The drive to the liquor store is uneventful; he’s driven there enough times that he doesn’t have to think about it. Part of him thinks maybe he shouldn’t be driving when he’s this out of it and he briefly finds it funny that he’s more concerned about driving sober than drunk. He sighs and parks as close to the door as he can manage.

He pulls the hood of his sweatshirt up over his head as he walks from his car to the store, partly to block out the wind, but mostly because it makes him feel less like everyone is staring at him.

The bell above the door rings as he walks in and he gets a small wave from the cashier. He nods his head slightly in response, then grabs a shopping basket and stares at the floor as he walks straight to the same shelf he always goes to.

He leans down and picks up three bottles of vodka, then pauses and adds a fourth. He hates buying this much at once, he knows how it looks, but he doesn’t want to have to come back before the weekend and he definitely doesn’t want to run out and feel this awful again.

“Is everything alright?” the cashier asks as Alec places the basket on the counter.

Alec glances up at him and looks at him silently for a moment, not sure how to respond. It’s not like he isn’t aware that the cashier knows who he is. He’s been coming here almost every week since he moved into his apartment and he’s only ever seen one other person working at the store. But it still always surprises him when the cashier acknowledges him beyond a hello and typical transaction-related conversation.

“What?” Alec finally says.

“Sorry, you just… you were here just a few days ago and well….” His voice trails off and he just looks at Alec like the rest of the sentence should be obvious.

Alec doesn’t know what to say. He knows the man is just trying to be nice, but he feels like he’s judging him. Not that he shouldn’t be judging him, he supposes, but he already feels awful enough, he doesn’t need anything else to add to that.

“We’re not friends,” Alec says. “Just because you think you know me or whatever doesn’t mean you can ask me that. You don’t know shit about my life.” It’s mean, he knows it’s mean, but he doesn’t really care. “Just… just take my card.”

He pulls his credit card out of his wallet and holds it out to the cashier, who looks stunned. The cashier takes it and rings up his purchase in silence.

“I’m sorry,” the cashier says softly as he hands Alec his credit card and a brown paper bag with the alcohol inside it.

Alec doesn’t reply. He just takes the bag and walks out the door, the bell ringing again behind him as he leaves.

Even though Blake had texted him before he left, Alec is still caught off guard when he hears the knock on his door. He hurries to the door, almost tripping over the various clutter on the floor of his room. He pauses for a second before opening the door to run his hands through his hair and smooth his shirt slightly, trying to do whatever he can to look a little less like a total mess.

“Hey,” Alec says as he opens the door.

“Hey,” Blake replies. He looks Alec up and down for a moment before walking inside.

“I’m sorry I missed practice,” Alec says as he walks into the living room.

He tosses a few things off the couch and onto the coffee table to make room for both of them to sit down.

“It’s ok,” Blake says. “We didn’t get much done anyway.”

“Still.”

Blake is quiet for a moment, taking in Alec and the room around them.

“Are you doing ok?” he asks. “Like, actually?”

Alec hesitates before answering. His first instinct is to lie and say yes, but he knows Blake wouldn’t be asking if it wasn’t at least somewhat obvious that he isn’t ok.

“I’ve been better.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” Blake asks.

“I don’t know,” Alec says, staring at the ground. “I just… these past few months have been tough. And things are maybe not going so well. With the whole drinking thing.”

Alec knows that Blake was already aware that he was drinking again, but it’s still hard to say it. Especially because things have only gotten worse since the last time Blake tried to bring it up with him.

“Is there anything I can do?” Blake asks. “Or maybe you could talk to Cam?”

“No,” Alec says, shaking his head. “Please don’t tell anyone about this. I know I should be honest, but everyone thinks I’m doing so well and I don’t want to disappoint them.”

“You want me to lie for you?” Blake asks.

“I mean, it’s not really lying, is it?” Alec replies. “It’s just… not bringing it up.”

“That’s not better, Alec. It’s fucked up to let people think you’re still sober and doing great when you’ve been drinking every day.”

“I’m gonna figure it out,” Alec says. “I just need some time.”

“What are you gonna do when we go to London next week?” Blake asks. “You’ll be with other people constantly. You can’t keep pretending.”

“I just won’t drink while we’re there,” Alec says. “It’s three days. It’ll be fine.”

“Do you really believe that? Because I don’t know how much you’ve been drinking, but if I had to guess, it’s probably enough for the withdrawal to be bad. And I doubt anyone will buy it if you say you’re just sick.”

“Blake, please,” Alec says.

“I don’t think you get how big of a deal this is,” Blake replies. “You think it’s fine, that it’s not a real problem. But it is. You’re a fucking alcoholic Alec, you’re not in control of this, no matter how much you think you are.”

“This isn’t like before, ok?” Alec says.

“If you really think that, you’re fucking delusional.”

“Why do you care so much anyway? Just don’t say anything. And if anything happens, which it won’t, just, I don’t know, act fucking surprised or something. It’s not that hard.”

“God, Alec, I wish you would think about someone other than yourself for once,” Blake says.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means you don’t get that this affects me and Leo and Finn and everyone else who gives a shit about you. All you care about is acting like you’re sober so you don’t get forced back into rehab.”

“That’s not true,” Alec says quietly.

“Really?” Blake says. “Then just admit that you’re drinking again and get help. Stop fucking lying.”

Alec doesn’t say anything.

“Yeah, that’s what I thought,” Blake says.

“Fine,” Alec says, not looking at Blake, “I’m a selfish asshole who doesn’t care about anyone except myself. Is that what you want to hear?”

“That’s not what I meant,” Blake says, frustrated.

“You know what, why don’t you just go,” Alec says. “Do whatever the fuck you want, tell everyone, I don’t give a shit anymore.”

“Alec, come on-“

“Don’t,” Alec says, cutting him off. “Just leave.”

Alec turns away and walks off to his bedroom, slamming the door shut behind him. Blake stands in the living room, waiting to see if Alec will come back, trying to figure out what the right thing to do is. After a few minutes he grabs his jacket off of Alec’s couch and walks out of the apartment.

Chapter Text

“Have you heard from Alec recently?” Blake asks Leo. Leo shakes his head.

“No. Not in a few days. Why?”

“Because he won’t answer my texts or anything. I’m about a day away from showing up to his apartment to make sure he’s not dead.”

"He posted on his instagram story yesterday,” Leo says. “So he’s not dead. Presumably.”

“Wait, really? I didn’t see that,” Blake says. He pulls out his phone and opens the app. He types Alec’s username into the search bar, but nothing comes up. “He blocked me,” Blake says indignantly. “That’s real fucking mature.”

“Why would he block you?” Leo asks.

“He’s mad at me,” Blake says.

“Why? What happened?”

“I just, I said some shit that I probably shouldn’t have said. I texted him an apology, but he never responded.”

“What did you say?” Leo asks. Blake sighs.

“All of this is about stuff he doesn’t want me to tell anyone. Which is part of why I was upset. Because I don’t want to lie for him.”

“But you’re going to?” Leo asks.

“It’s not really lying if no one asks specifically about it,” Blake replies.

“I don’t know if that’s true….”

“Leo, I wish I could tell you. I really do. But I can’t. Even though I think it’s a bad idea and I’m really pissed off at Alec about it, it’s not my place to tell people.”

Leo looks like he’s about to say something else, but he just sighs and shakes his head.

***

Blake walks into the train station and finds Cam waiting with Leo and Finn in the lobby. As soon as Cam notices Blake, he stands up and says something to Leo and Finn that Blake isn’t close enough to hear. Leo and Finn get up and grab their bags as Blake walks up to them.

“Alright, our train is at track three,” Cam says. “Let’s go.”

“Wait, what about Alec?” Blake asks.

“He’s not coming,” Cam says.

“Are you serious?” Blake says.

“He texted me last night at around two in the morning,” Cam says. “I tried to get a hold of him today, but he didn’t respond.”

“Did he tell you guys?” Blake asks Leo and Finn. Leo shakes his head.

“No. Just Cam apparently,” Leo says.

“Fucking asshole,” Blake mutters.

“I’m sure he has a good reason,” Cam says as they walk to the track.

“No, he doesn’t,” Blake says angrily. “He’s doing it because he’s mad at me. He won’t reply to any of my texts and he blocked me on social media and now he’s gonna miss three fucking days’ worth of interviews and press shit because he doesn’t want to see me.”

Leo gently grabs Blake’s arm.

“Blake,” Leo says. “Calm down. There might be something else going on.”

“Oh yeah, I’m sure that’s it,” Blake says sarcastically.

“Why is he mad at you?” Finn asks. “Did something happen?”

“I don’t want to get into it,” Blake says.

He brushes past everyone and walks over to stand by the wall. He takes his phone out and pulls up his text conversation with Alec; the last handful of messages are all from him, saying he’s sorry and asking Alec if he’s ok. He starts to type out another message, but nothing sounds right. So he deletes it and puts his phone back in his pocket, staring blankly at the ground until their train arrives.

“Alright, we’re on the third floor,” Cam says, walking over from the reception desk. “Let’s go.”

They get up and walk to the elevator, wheeling their bags behind them. They get in and Cam presses the button for the third floor, then takes out the room key cards.

“I’m glad I only booked two rooms for you,” he says. “I was considering getting you all your own. But I figured Blake and Leo would want to share a room anyway.”

"Wait, you’re letting us share a room?” Blake asks, surprised.

“You’re both adults now,” Cam says. “And even if I’m not particularly thrilled about all this, making you stay in separate rooms for three days isn’t going to change anything. Just, remember you’re going to be next to either me or Finn, and hotel walls are thin, ok?”

“It won’t be an issue,” Leo says quickly. “Finn, are you ok with this?”

“Yeah,” Finn says. “It’ll be nice having my own room. And I’m fine sharing with Alec in the future. It’s all good.”

***

Blake’s friend Matt had invited all of them to a party at his flat while they were in London, and Blake had convinced Leo to go with him. He had tried to get Finn to come too, but he had told them he wanted to stay at the hotel and get to bed early. Blake feels bad, he wonders if Finn felt like he would have been a third wheel, but he also knows that Finn doesn’t particularly enjoy going to these types of parties anyway.

Once they get there, Blake and Leo walk past groups of people and find the table with drinks. Blake grabs a beer and turns to Leo.

“You want something?” he asks.

“Um, I don’t know,” Leo says hesitantly.

“Aw, come on,” Blake says. “You don’t have to drive or anything and we don’t have anything tomorrow until like two. Have some fun.”

“Fine,” Leo replies. He holds out his hand and Blake gives him a beer.

They walk away from the table and toward the more crowded middle of the room. Leo gently grips Blake’s arm as they walk, making sure they don’t get separated from each other. After a moment Blake spots Matt with a few other people and waves at him. Matt smiles and motions for them to join him.

“Hey, you made it,” Matt says, patting Blake’s shoulder.

“Yeah, of course,” Blake replies. “Thanks for inviting us.”

“Are Alec and Finn here too?” Matt asks.

“Oh, um, no. They couldn’t make it. But they send their best.”

“That’s too bad,” Matt says.

They talk for a bit before Matt leaves to talk to other guests, leaving Blake and Leo with some of his friends. After talking to each other for a few minutes, one of Matt’s friends introduces himself to them.

“I’m Will by the way,” he says.

“Blake,” Blake replies. “And Leo,” he says, nodding to Leo.

“You know Matt?” Will asks.

“Yeah,” Blake replies. “I mean, we’ve only really hung out in person a handful of times, but he’s great.”

“He’s a good guy,” Will says. He pauses for a second and takes a sip of his drink. “I was wondering, are you two together?” Blake glances at Leo quickly.

“We’re in a band together,” Blake says. Will laughs.

“No, no, I know who you are,” he says. “I didn’t mean are you here together. But like, are you together, like, a couple.”

“We’re just friends,” Leo says quickly. Blake nods in agreement.

“Oh, ok,” Will says. “I was just curious. I mean, you must know about the rumors and everything. Usually I think most of that stuff is rubbish, but seeing you two talking, I thought there might be some truth to it after all.”

Blake just stares at him for a moment, not sure how to respond. He suddenly feels very aware of how close he is to Leo, how often they touch each other, how they look at each other. Most of the time the people they’re around are at least somewhat aware of their relationship, or they’re both very conscious of being watched and having their actions scrutinized. He hadn’t realized it was so obvious in how they acted normally.

“Sorry if I offended you,” Will says, noticing Blake and Leo’s reactions.

“No, it’s fine,” Leo says. “Like you said, we’re quite aware of the rumors.”

They wander around for a while, chatting with people. The entire time, Blake is thinking about what Will said about him and Leo. Every time he goes to place his hand on Leo’s arm or lean against him, he stops himself, and he can tell that Leo is doing the same thing.

They’re back at the drinks table for the fourth time when Leo gently places his hand against Blake’s shoulder blade. Blake looks at Leo and smiles, thankful for even the small amount of physical contact.

“You wanna go upstairs for a bit?” Leo asks. Blake glances over at the staircase. From what he can tell, no one is going upstairs at all.

“I don’t think we’re supposed to,” Blake says.

“I doubt Matt would mind,” Leo replies. He looks at Blake for a moment. “Please? I just need a break.”

“Sure,” Blake says.

They manage to make it upstairs without anyone stopping them to talk and they walk into the hallway a bit, out of sight of everyone else. They can still hear the music and chatter from downstairs, but it’s much quieter. Leo puts his head on Blake’s shoulder.

“All that socializing is exhausting,” Leo says. His voice is barely above a whisper, even though there’s no danger of anyone hearing them.

“Do you want to leave?” Blake asks.

“Not yet,” Leo replies. “I just wanted to get away for a minute.” He pauses for a second. “I feel like I can’t touch you or anything without people asking questions.”

“Yeah,” Blake says softly.

Leo lifts his head off of Blake’s shoulder and looks at him for a moment before kissing him. Blake only lets it last for a few seconds before pulling away.

“We shouldn’t,” Blake says.

“No one’s up here,” Leo replies.

“Still,” Blake says. “It’s not a good idea.”

Leo sighs and makes a sad face, which makes Blake feel a little guilty for saying no to him. Leo turns away from Blake and walks a bit further down the hallway before stopping in front of an open door.

“There’s a bathroom,” Leo says.

“Ok?” Blake replies.

“We could, you know….”

“Oh,” Blake says. He glances back toward the stairs to make sure they’re still alone. “Yeah. Ok.”

He follows Leo into the small bathroom and shuts the door behind them, making sure to lock it. Leo wraps his arm around Blake and pulls him up against his chest. Blake can smell the alcohol on Leo’s breath.

“You’re very forward when you’re drunk,” Blake says with a smile.

“I’m not drunk,” Leo replies. “Just a little tipsy.”

He puts his hand on the back of Blake’s neck and kisses him. Blake sighs contentedly and rests his hands on Leo’s hips, holding him close. After a while, Leo pulls away slightly. He just looks at Blake for a few moments, his eyes tracing the features of Blake’s face.

“God, I want you,” Leo says softly.

“Do you want to go back to the hotel?” Blake asks breathlessly. Leo shakes his head.

“I need you now,” Leo says. Blake whimpers and presses his body even tighter up against Leo. “Do you have lube?” Leo asks.

Blake nods quickly and moves away from Leo just enough to pull his wallet out of his front pocket. He grabs a small packet of lube and hands it to Leo before shoving his wallet back into his pocket.

Leo places the packet on the sink counter and kisses Blake again. Leo’s hands wander across Blake’s body, tracing the sides of his torso and down to his hips and upper thighs. Blake sighs, leaning into Leo’s touch, trying to close any last distance between their bodies.

Leo carefully but firmly pushes Blake up against the bathroom counter and starts undoing his jeans. He tugs Blake’s pants and underwear partway down his thighs, then strokes Blake’s cock. Blake breaks their kiss, tilting his head back and moaning.

“Shhhh,” Leo says, brushing his finger against Blake’s lips. “Gotta be quiet.”

Blake considers pointing out that there’s no way anyone will hear them from downstairs, especially with the music, but he just nods instead. He’s fairly certain that Leo likes the idea of making him be quiet. Of watching him struggle not to make any noise.

“Turn around,” Leo says gently.

Blake turns and places his palms against the cool surface of the countertop. He hears Leo unzip his pants and he squeezes his eyes shut, waiting desperately for Leo to touch him. After a few moments Leo slides a finger inside him and Blake inhales sharply.

“Ok?” Leo asks, pausing his movements.

“Yeah,” Blake replies. “It’s just a little cold.”

“Sorry,” Leo murmurs.

He leans in and kisses the back of Blake’s neck as he keeps prepping him, moving his fingers slowly in and out. Blake tries to be as quiet as he can, but he can’t stop himself from making small sounds of pleasure whenever Leo brushes his prostate.

“Leo,” Blake moans softly. “I need you in me.”

“Patience, love,” Leo says.

Leo moves his left hand under Blake’s shirt, gently stroking his back while he keeps fingering him. It feels good, but Blake desperately wants more. He knows Leo is teasing him; they’ve had sex plenty of times with much less preparation, and he can’t think of any good reason for Leo to be particularly careful now.

Leo moves his hand away and wraps his arms around Blake’s waist. He buries his head against Blake’s neck and rubs his cock against him, teasingly close to his entrance.

“Please,” Blake begs.

“Mmm,” Leo moans softly, still grinding against Blake. “Tell me what you want me to do to you.”

“I want…” Blake says, struggling to focus on anything but how desperate he is. “I want your cock buried inside me. I want you to bend me over this counter and fuck me until I’m aching and bruised.”

“You want it rough?” Leo asks, his voice low.

“Yes. Fuck, yes.”

Leo groans and pulls back slightly from Blake, readjusting slightly. He takes a moment to add more lube and then finally pushes into Blake. He moves slowly at first, making sure the positioning is ok, then pulls back out almost all the way before thrusting deep and hard into Blake. Blake cries out, his hips slamming into the edge of the counter.

“Blake, too loud,” Leo says harshly.

“Fuck,” Blake moans, “I don’t think I can be quiet. Not when you fuck me like that.”

“You need me to help you?” Leo asks playfully.

Blake nods quickly. Leo moves his hand in front of Blake’s mouth, then presses his index and middle fingers against Blake’s lips. Blake darts his tongue out, running it across Leo’s fingers before drawing them into his mouth and sucking on them.

Leo keeps thrusting into Blake. He keeps the pace slow, making sure Blake feels every inch as he pushes deep inside him. Blake is overwhelmed with sensations, Leo moving inside him, his fingers thrusting gently in Blake’s mouth, his arm around Blake’s waist holding him close, the sharp edge of the counter digging into him every time Leo pushes him forward.

Leo presses his mouth against Blake’s neck. He starts out gentle, brushing his lips and tongue against the warm skin. Then, as his thrusts get faster and harder, he sucks and bites at Blake’s neck. Blake moans quietly around Leo’s fingers.

“You like that?” Leo says, his voice muffled against Blake’s skin.

Blake moans again, sucking hard on Leo’s fingers and pushing back against him as he thrusts forward. It doesn’t take much longer for them both to finish, Blake leaning hard against the sink counter and Leo pressed up close behind him. Leo pulls his hand away and wipes his fingers on the hem of Blake’s shirt.

“Alright?” Leo asks, stroking Blake’s back.

“Mmmhmm,” Blake replies.

Leo zips his pants back up then grabs some toilet paper and helps Blake get cleaned up. He turns on the sink and washes his hands, leaving the water running for Blake once he’s done. Blake scrubs his hands and splashes some water on his face, then looks in the mirror for a moment.

“Fuck,” he mumbles.

“You ok?” Leo asks.

“Just….” Blake turns to Leo and touches his neck, running his fingers over a very obvious hickey. “That’s gonna be tough to cover up.”

"Shit, sorry,” Leo says. “I didn’t think about that.”

“It’s fine. I mean, it was really hot in the moment,” Blake says with a small smile.

Leo kisses Blake one more time before they walk out of the bathroom and back downstairs. They find Matt again, talking with some more people they don’t know.

“Hey,” Blake says as they walk over to the group.

“Hey,” Matt says. “I was wondering where you two were.” He glances at Blake for a moment and raises his eyebrows. “Looks like you’ve been busy.”

“Oh,” Blake says, self-consciously placing his hand on his neck. “Um, yeah. We were talking with people and there was this girl, and, well, you know.” He pauses for a second and looks at Leo. “Sorry for disappearing on you,” he says.

“It’s fine,” Leo replies.

“I thought you had a girlfriend,” Matt says.

“No,” Blake replies. “We broke up. I’m surprised you didn’t hear about that. It was a whole thing.”

“Right, I do remember that,” Matt says. “You two were together for a long time, right?”

“Yeah, almost four years. Christ. I mean, we weren’t together the whole time, but still.” Blake pauses for a moment. “It’s fine. I’m good. It’s just… weird. Sorry, I’m a little drunk and it’s been a crazy week. Fuck.”

“Hey,” Leo says softly, touching Blake’s arm. “Do you wanna go?”

“That might be a good idea,” Blake says. He turns to Matt. “Thanks for having us. I’ll text you or something.”

“Yeah, no worries man,” Matt replies. “See ya.”

Blake and Leo walk out of the house and down the block to the main road.

“You want me to call a cab?” Leo asks.

“In a minute,” Blake replies. “I need a smoke.”

Leo sighs but Blake ignores him and pulls out a pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He fumbles with his lighter for a second before he manages to light his cigarette up.

“Are you ok?” Leo asks.

“Yeah, yeah, I’m good,” Blake says. “I just, I didn’t realize it was four years. Four fucking years, Leo. Our anniversary would’ve been next month.”

“I’m sorry.”

“We said we’d still be friends, but we haven’t talked since we broke up and that was, what, a month ago?”

“Maybe you both just need some time,” Leo says.

“Maybe,” Blake says quietly.

They stand there for a few minutes, Blake smoking and Leo just staring into the street, not sure what to say.

It’s late by the time they get back to their hotel room and Blake lies on the bed face down as soon as they walk in. Leo sits next to him and rubs his shoulders.

“You gonna be alright?” Leo asks. Blake rolls over onto his side and looks at Leo.

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Blake says. “I’m sorry for making a big deal out of this.”

“Honestly, I was surprised you weren’t more upset about Emily when you broke up. It was a big deal, Blake. I know you want to pretend it wasn’t, but that’s not how you should deal with things.”

“I’m not great at dealing with things, am I?” Blake asks.

“You’re getting better,” Leo says. “But I think this is something you should deal with when you’re less tired. And more sober.”

“Good plan,” Blake says. Leo stands up and sticks his hand out to Blake.

“Let’s brush our teeth.”

“God, you’re so responsible,” Blake mutters.

“Shh, you love it,” Leo says.

Blake rolls his eyes but takes Leo’s hand. They brush their teeth and get undressed before climbing into bed. Blake places his glasses on the bedside table and turns the lamp off, then rolls on his side so he’s facing Leo.

“Thanks for taking care of me,” Blake says.

“Of course,” Leo replies.

“Blake,” Leo says softly. “Time to get up.”

“What time is it?” Blake asks, burying his face in the pillow.

“Just after eleven. Cam texted and said he wants us ready to go by noon.”

Blake mumbles something that Leo can’t make out and pulls the comforter over his head. Leo pats his back through the blankets.

“I’m gonna go shower,” Leo says. “You can sleep until I’m done, ok?”

“Mmhmm.”

Blake stays in bed with his head covered while Leo showers. He doesn’t fall completely back asleep, so when Leo opens the bathroom door, Blake grabs his glasses and gets up, sitting on the edge of the bed for a moment. Leo walks over to his suitcase and unzips it, rummaging through his clothes for a moment to find what he wants.

Once he notices Blake still hasn’t gotten up, Leo moves to stand in front of Blake and holds out his hands. Blake grabs them and lets Leo pull him up from the bed and against his chest. They stay there for a moment before Leo moves away. He pauses for a second and looks at Blake, his eyes wandering down his body.

“That looks like it hurts,” Leo says, brushing his fingers across a deep bruise on Blake’s hipbone. “Are you alright?”

“Yeah, just a bit sore.”

“I’m sorry,” Leo says.

“Don’t apologize. I did tell you I wanted it rough, remember?” Blake says, smiling slightly.

“I know, but… promise me you’ll let me know if it’s too much, ok?” Leo says. “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“It was perfect,” Blake replies. He gives Leo a quick kiss before pulling away. “But I have to go shower, or we’re gonna be late.”

They’re both ready and sitting on the bed scrolling through their phones by the time Cam knocks on their door. Leo gets up and opens it while Blake puts his shoes on.

“Ready to go?” Cam asks. Finn is already standing next to him.

“Yep,” Leo replies. “Just gotta grab my jacket and shoes and stuff.”

Cam holds the door open while Leo and Blake finish getting their things together. Leo walks out into the hall, but Cam stops Blake.

“Christ, Blake,” he says. “Is it that hard to not have very visible hickeys on the day you have two television interviews? Do you have a different shirt or something?”

“Nothing that covers my neck,” Blake says, rolling his eyes. “You act like it’s my fault. It’s not like I did it to myself.”

“I’m sure they’ll have cover up,” Leo offers.

“You two are making me regret letting you share a room,” Cam says with a sigh. “Let’s go.” He starts walking toward the elevator and they all follow him.

“We weren’t even in the room,” Blake mutters.

“I really don’t want to hear it,” Cam says. “I have a feeling the more details you tell me, the less and less happy I’m going to be.”

Chapter Text

After they get back from London, Finn finally feels like he has some free time. With school out for the summer and their second album finally recorded and set to come out next month, he’s enjoying not having to juggle a million things at once.

While everything had been going on, he felt like he hadn’t seen much of Blake, Leo, or Alec outside of practice, recording, or shows. Sure they would occasionally invite him out, but more often than not his parents would object or he would be too exhausted.

So after taking a few days to recuperate, he invites Blake over to hang out and have dinner with his family. He had considered asking Leo or Alec, but even after everything that’s happened between them, Blake is still the one he’s closest with, and to be honest, he’s missed him.

“So,” Blake says as Finn leads him up the stairs to his room. “How have you been?”

“You know,” Finn says with a shrug. “School. All of the band stuff. I haven’t had much time for anything else.”

“Fair enough. But hey, you’ve got the rest of the summer now, yeah?”

“Yeah. I need it. I spent most of the first two days after we got back from London sleeping.”

Blake laughs and follows Finn into his room, then sits on the edge of his bed. It’s familiar, having Blake here, and he feels like things are finally almost back to normal between the two of them.

“What are you up to this summer?” Finn asks after a moment.

“God, I don’t know. Sleeping. Catching up with all the friends I’ve been ignoring these past few months. Might try and plan a day trip here and there, go to the beach, something like that.”

“That sounds nice.”

Blake shrugs.

“How about you? Any big plans?”

“Not really,” Finn says. “I’m going with my family to visit my grandparents and cousins for a bit. And some of my school friends were talking about getting together for a weekend trip or something.”

They talk for a while, catching up on the various occurrences they’ve missed in each other’s lives, then they listen to some music. Blake always has new songs or bands he’s been listening to and Finn is always happy to listen to them with him.

“I like that one,” Finn says after they listen to an acoustic song with layered vocals.

“Yeah, it made me think of you,” Blake says. “I think we could do something like that. I know we haven’t done much acoustic shit lately, and I’d be tempted to add at least some electric guitar, maybe for a solo or whatever, but I like the vibe. Besides, I’ve been wanting to have you sing more. If you want to, of course.”

“I mean, yeah, sure. I’d love to.”

“You’re really talented, you know.”

“Thanks,” Finn says softly.

They look at each other for a while without saying anything. Finn notices Blake’s eyes flit down to his lips and his stomach flips. He knows he should look away or say something, but he can’t bring himself to do it. Finn is still trying to figure out what exactly he expects to happen when Blake places his hand under Finn’s chin, tilting his head up slightly and kissing him.

Finn lets his eyes flutter shut, lets himself melt into Blake’s lips, lean into his touch. He had forgotten how nice it was to kiss Blake, to have Blake trace his hands gently across his face and back. The way Blake touches him makes him feel intensely wanted. His touch is firm but not aggressive, asking permission that Finn eagerly grants.

Blake has his hands up the back of Finn’s shirt and his tongue in Finn’s mouth when he suddenly stops and pulls away. Finn looks at him questioningly but Blake stares at the ground instead of meeting his eyes.

“I’m sorry,” Blake says. “I shouldn’t have done that.”

Finn feels his heart sink. He knows Blake is right, but it still stings to hear him say it.

“It’s fine,” Finn says quietly.

“No, it’s not,” Blake says. He takes a deep breath. “I know I said I would be willing to hook up with you again. But, I just can’t. It’s not fair to Leo and it’s not fair to you. I mean, obviously I still think you’re really attractive. And if things were different….” He pauses. “I’m not making this any better, am I?” he says.

“Not really, no.”

“God, I’m an asshole. I’m really, really sorry.”

“Blake, it’s ok.”

“Should I leave? I feel like I should leave.”

Part of Finn wants to say no and ask Blake to stay, but mostly he just feels hurt.

“That’s probably a good idea,” Finn replies.

Blake nods and stands up, grabbing his jacket as he walks to the door of Finn’s room.

“I’ll see you, ok?” Blake says.

“Ok,” Finn says quietly.

Finn watches as Blake walks out of the room and closes the door behind him. He feels like he might cry. Even if he hadn’t been entirely over his feelings for Blake, he had accepted that nothing else was going to happen between them. He had gotten used to the idea that Blake was with Leo now. And then this.

He thinks about texting Leo and telling him what happened. He isn’t sure whether or not Blake will tell him, and part of him wants Leo to be upset about it. But he doesn’t. As sad as he is about Blake, he can’t bring himself to potentially mess up his relationship with Leo.

Instead, Finn just sits on his bed for a while, staring at the wall until a knock on his door snaps him out of his thoughts.

“Yeah?” Finn says.

“Can I come in?” It’s Trent.

“Yeah, sure,” Finn replies.

The door swings open and Trent walks in, closing the door again behind him. Trent sits down on Finn’s desk chair and swivels it so he’s facing Finn.

“Are you ok?” Trent asks.

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Finn replies.

“Well, you made a big deal to mom and dad that Blake was gonna be here and stay for dinner and everything, but he just left and it’s only four.”

“He had something come up,” Finn lies. “It’s fine.”

“Come on,” Trent says. “You can tell me stuff. I’m just trying to be a good brother.”

Finn sighs.

“Fine. I’m upset because Blake was being dumb, ok? It’s not a big deal. I’ll get over it.”

“What’d he do?” Trent asks.

“None of your business,” Finn replies.

“Finn, come on.”

“I’m not telling you. You wouldn’t understand anyway.”

“I’m fourteen,” Trent says, annoyed. “I’m not a little kid anymore.”

“I’m still not telling you,” Finn says.

“Do you like him?” Trent asks.

“What?” Finn says.

“Like do you have a crush on him?”

“No. Of course not. That’s stupid. Why would you think that?”

“Because he’s the only friend you ever have over here. And you always change the subject whenever anyone talks about him and Leo.”

“He’s not even here that often,” Finn says. “And I don’t like people gossiping about my friends. It’s not that complicated.”

“I wouldn’t think it was weird if you did like him,” Trent says. “I know mom and dad say stuff sometimes, but I wouldn’t care if you liked boys.”

"Thanks,” Finn says.

He pauses for a moment, trying to figure out if he should tell Trent the truth or not. Part of him is worried that he’ll tell someone else like their parents or his friends at school. But mostly he just wants to be able to talk to his brother. With all the tours and fame and drama, Finn feels like they’ve drifted apart.

“I used to,” Finn says after a moment. “Like Blake, I mean. And I thought I didn’t anymore. But now I don’t know.”

“Does he know?” Trent asks.

“Yeah,” Finn replies. “He knows.”

“And he doesn’t like you back?”

“No,” Finn says. He doesn’t feel like explaining all the details of the situation to his brother. It would be too confusing and painful to talk about.

“Oh,” Trent says quietly. “I’m sorry. That sucks.”

“Yeah.”

“So that’s why he left?” Trent asks.

“Kinda. I mean it’s complicated. But it was about that, yeah.” Finn pauses. “I really need you to not tell anyone about this, ok? Especially mom and dad.”

“Ok,” Trent says. “I won’t say anything.”

Chapter Text

Leo is sitting with Blake on the couch, listening to music while they scroll through their phones. After a bit, Leo decides that this is as good a time as any to bring up what he’s been thinking about. He takes a deep breath.

“Hey,” he says, “I was wondering, what would you think about me, um, moving in with you?”

“Wait, really?” Blake says, looking up at Leo. “I mean, yeah. Yeah, I would love that. I just thought, you know, with your parents and everything….”

“Well, things haven’t been super great with that recently,” Leo says. “They haven’t been happy that I’ve been staying over here. I guess I thought by now they would be, I don’t know, ok with this? It’s like, if they’re upset with me being here just a couple nights a week, then what’s the point, you know? They’re not gonna be happy unless I stop seeing you completely, and I’m not doing that.”

“I’m sorry,” Blake says. “I know how hard you’ve been trying to make things work with them.”

“Yeah,” Leo says quietly. “So, I figured I might as well do what makes me happy. And that’s being with you.” He pauses for a moment. “But only if you’re ok with it.”

“Are you kidding?” Blake says. “I’ve wanted you to move in with me since I got the place. Of course I’m ok with it.”

Leo smiles.

“Can I bring my stuff here sometime this week?” Leo asks.

“Yeah, anytime. I would offer to help you pack up and move things, but I think your parents would be pretty upset if I came to your house. I’ll move some of my things around though so you can have drawers and stuff.”

“We could get another dresser or something too,” Leo offers.

“That’s a good idea,” Blake says. “We could go and pick some things out together if you want. I mean, I know I already have things and it’s decorated and whatever, but it would be nice to have stuff that was ours instead of just mine.”

“I’d like that,” Leo says. “And obviously I’ll give you money for rent and everything.”

“You don’t have to do that.”

“It’s only fair.”

“Leo, you do realize that I’m not exactly low on money right now, yeah? It’s a nice gesture but it’s not a big deal. It’ll be more trouble than it’s worth.”

“How about I buy groceries and stuff then?” Leo asks.

“Sure,” Blake says. “But really, you don’t need to do anything. Just having you here is all I need.” He pauses for a moment. “And if you wanted to do dishes and other chores, I definitely wouldn’t stop you,” he adds.

“Yeah, of course,” Leo says.

Blake smiles and looks at Leo for a moment before kissing him. Leo sighs contentedly and rests his hand against the small of Blake’s back, pulling him closer. They kiss for a while before Blake pulls away.

“So I’m guessing you’ll be staying for dinner?” Blake asks.

“I suppose so,” Leo replies with a smile.

***

The next morning, Blake wakes up with Leo still wrapped around him, his face pressed against the back of Blake’s neck. Blake lies still for a few moments, listening to Leo’s breathing until he’s sure that he’s awake.

“Hey,” Blake says softly.

“Hey,” Leo replies.

Leo kisses the back of Blake’s neck and wraps his arms tighter around him. Blake sighs, letting his eyes fall shut again. They’re both still naked from the night before and Blake can feel Leo slightly hard against him. He presses back against Leo gently and Leo groans.

They move slowly against one another, their bodies pressed tightly together. After a few minutes, Blake shifts so that Leo can slide his hard cock between his legs, rubbing teasingly against him.

“Mmmm,” Blake moans.

They stay like that for a while, Leo gently thrusting against Blake. It feels amazing, it’s slow and tender and Blake wishes he could wake up to this every morning. Leo has one arm still wrapped around Blake’s waist and the other stroking Blake’s head.

Blake reaches toward his bedside table, fumbling to grab the bottle of lube for a moment before handing it to Leo. Leo has to pull away slightly to open the bottle, but he keeps their lower bodies together. Even still, Blake misses the intense closeness for the few moments before Leo presses his finger against him.

Usually Blake wishes Leo would prep him as quickly as possible, but right now he doesn’t mind the slower pace. He knows Leo likes to tease him a bit, make sure he’s desperate before finally giving him what he wants. Blake shifts his hips so he can press his cock against the bed, aching for some kind of friction.

Leo wraps his arms around Blake again, pulling him tight against his body as he enters him. Blake moans and takes one of Leo’s hands in his own, gripping it tightly. They stay still for a few moments, holding one another. Leo kisses Blake’s neck and the side of his jaw while he starts slowly moving inside him. He alternates long, slow thrusts with shorter, shallow ones, keeping their bodies as close together as he can.

Blake squeezes Leo’s hand harder. It’s not as fast and rough as he usually likes, but right now it feels perfect. He pushes his hips into the bed as Leo thrusts into him, grinding against the mattress.

Blake can feel Leo’s breath getting more ragged against his neck and he knows he’s getting close. He presses back hard against Leo, forcing him deeper, and Leo moans. He thrusts into Blake a few more times before pulling him tight against him as he comes. Blake lets go of Leo’s hand to touch himself, giving his cock a few quick strokes before he finishes too.

Neither of them moves for a few moments, lying still and breathing hard. After a bit, Leo pulls out, but keeps the rest of his body pressed against Blake’s. He traces his fingertips across Blake’s jaw, then tilts Blake’s head so he can kiss him. They kiss slowly for a while, Leo’s hand twisting in Blake’s hair. Leo gives Blake one more deep kiss before pulling away.

“I’m gonna go make some tea, you want some?” Leo asks. Blake nods.

“Yes, please.”

Leo kisses him again before he gets up, making sure to pull the covers back around him before walking away. Blake considers following him, but his eyes are heavy and the bed is warm and comfortable, so he doesn’t. He’s half asleep when Leo comes back. Leo walks over to Blake’s side of the bed and sets a cup down on his bedside table.

“There you go, love,” Leo says.

“Mmm, thank you,” Blake says. He sits up slightly then picks up the cup and takes a sip. “You remembered how I like it,” he says with a smile.

“Of course,” Leo replies. He kisses Blake on the top of the head.

***

After getting home for the night, Leo immediately follows Blake into their bedroom. Blake had been giving him looks and finding excuses to casually touch him all night, so by the time they finally left, Leo had known exactly where things were going.

Blake is lying on the bed, so Leo climbs on top of him, looking down at him for a moment before leaning in to kiss him. Blake eagerly kisses back.

“I’ve been wanting you all night,” Blake says between messy kisses.

“Yeah? What do you want me to do?” Leo asks.

Blake looks up at him, pausing for a moment and biting his lip.

“Would you suck my cock?” Blake says. “You don’t have to,” he adds quickly, noticing Leo’s hesitation.

“I just, I’ve never done it before,” Leo says, a bit surprised by the request. It hadn’t really occurred to him that that was something Blake would want, and he wonders if he’d avoided asking before out of the worry that Leo would say no. “I don’t want to disappoint you. Especially because you’re so good at it.”

“I’d be happy with anything you did,” Blake says. “But it’s fine, we can do something else.”

“No, no, I can try.”

“Leo, really, I don’t want you to do it if you don’t want to.”

“I want to,” Leo says. “Please, let me. I mean, you do it for me all the time. And it’s kind of shitty of me to have never offered before. I wanna try. Just, tell me if I’m doing something wrong, ok?”

“You’ll be fine,” Blake says with a smile. “It’s pretty hard to mess up.”

Leo nods and leans back in to kiss Blake. They kiss for a while before Leo breaks away, pushing Blake gently back onto the bed and undoing his pants. He slips his hand under the fabric of Blake’s boxers and takes Blake’s cock in his hand, stroking him a few times. Blake moans into Leo’s mouth, gripping him tight.

Leo keeps stroking Blake as he pulls away, kissing down his chest and stomach before pausing to look up at him. He hesitates, still a bit nervous. He doesn’t know why all of this seems so intimidating, he knows Blake isn’t going to judge him, but he wants it to be perfect.

“Ok?” Blake asks softly.

Leo nods and takes a deep breath. He parts his lips slightly, then presses them against the tip of Blake’s cock, kissing it lightly. Leo flicks his tongue out and runs it against the underside. Blake moans softly and Leo relaxes a bit.

He tries to remember what Blake does to him, how he moves his tongue and what he does with his hands. He keeps his hand on the shaft and takes the tip in his mouth. He swirls his tongue around the head, trying to get used to the feeling of Blake’s cock in his mouth. It’s not as strange or awkward as he thought it might be, but he isn’t sure if he likes it or not.

After a few moments, he decides to try and take Blake deeper, pressing his tongue against the bottom of his mouth to make more room. Blake moans again, then places his hands on Leo’s head, twisting his fingers in Leo’s hair.

“Fuck,” Blake says. “That feels so good.”

Hearing Blake say that causes a wave of arousal to rush through Leo’s body and he can almost understand why Blake likes giving him blowjobs so much. He wants to take him even deeper, to watch Blake’s face as he takes his entire cock in his mouth, but he doesn’t think he can do it without choking.

Instead, he pulls his head away from Blake, sucking and running his tongue across his cock as he does. Blake tightens his grip on Leo’s hair, digging his fingers into Leo’s scalp. Leo keeps the pace fairly slow, partly to tease Blake, but mostly because he’s still a bit uncertain.

Eventually, he feels confident enough to speed up, moving his hand quickly up and down around the base of Blake’s cock while he sucks the tip. Blake is breathing heavily, moaning every few seconds. He thrusts gently into Leo’s mouth, making sure not to be too rough or make Leo gag.

“Don’t stop,” Blake groans. “I’m gonna come. Fuck.”

Leo nods slightly, trying to keep up the pace of his movements. He’s briefly worried about Blake coming in his mouth, but he thinks about how hot it is when he sees Blake swallow his cum and he decides he wants to do the same for him.

It doesn’t take much longer until Blake finishes, moaning loudly and gripping Leo’s hair tightly. Leo keeps stroking him through his orgasm, waiting until Blake moves his hands away from his head to stop. He swallows and pulls his head away from Blake then moves so he’s lying next to him. Blake smiles at him and then kisses him deeply.

“That was so hot,” Blake says as he breaks the kiss. “God, I love you.”

Chapter Text

As they’re finishing practice and packing their things up, Leo walks over and stands by Blake while Blake puts his guitar away.

“I’m dropping Finn back home, do you want me to grab anything while I’m out that way?” Leo asks.

“I can’t think of anything,” Blake replies.

“Ok, just thought I’d check.” Leo gives Blake a quick kiss before walking to the door where Finn is waiting.

“See you at home,” Blake says with a wave as they walk out of the room.

“Leo’s living with you now?” Alec asks after Leo and Finn are gone.

“Um, yeah,” Blake replies.

“Since when?” Alec asks.

“I don’t know, since last month?”

“And you didn’t think that maybe that was something you should tell people?” Alec asks.

“I’m telling you now,” Blake says.

“A month after it happened.”

“I didn’t think that was the type of thing you would care about,” Blake says.

“It just seems like kind of a big deal,” Alec replies. “Like, moving in together? That’s pretty serious.”

Blake shrugs.

“I guess.”

“I just want to know what’s going on,” Alec says. “No one except you two has any fucking idea what’s happening. You’ve been sleeping together for what, a year? And now you’re living together. But if anyone asks you say you’re just friends, or you’re not dating, or it’s complicated.”

“I don’t get why everyone cares so much,” Blake says. “And it is complicated, ok? Because you know just as well as I do that we have to be ‘just friends’ most of the time. So, I’m sorry I don’t tell you every fucking detail of my life, ok?”

“You know, Cam would be pissed, but you could be honest about it if you really wanted to. Especially now that you and Emily aren’t together. There are plenty of famous people who are open about stuff like that.”

“Yeah, well those people aren’t us,” Blake says. He sighs. “Things are hard enough as it is. Part of why Leo moved in with me is because things were bad with his parents because of us spending time together. I haven’t talked to my dad since I got kicked out a year ago. We’ve had to deal with enough shit already.”

“I didn’t know about Leo,” Alec says quietly. “I’m sorry, that sounds hard.”

“Yeah,” Blake says. “I just don’t think I can deal with everyone knowing. Maybe it would be fine. Maybe we wouldn’t get asked stupid questions or have tabloid articles written about us or have people leave shitty comments on every post we make. But I don’t think that’s gonna happen. So I would rather keep lying to everyone and live in my own fucking fantasy world where none of that happens.”

“I get it,” Alec says. “I haven’t had to deal with it as much as you two, but I know it’s hard having your life scrutinized like that. But I hope you know I wouldn’t do that to you. You can tell me things, Blake.” He pauses for a second. “Honestly, I think you guys are really good together. Like, you both seem pretty happy.”

“We are,” Blake says, smiling slightly.

***

After he gets back home from a party, Blake walks into the bedroom, barely able to see with just the dim light coming through the window. He goes to turn the light on before remembering that Leo is asleep and stopping himself. He takes his pants and shirt off and tosses them into the hamper before climbing into bed.

“Hey,” Leo says quietly, rolling onto his side to face Blake.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you up,” Blake says. He takes his glasses off and places them on the bedside table along with his phone.

“It’s fine. I was barely asleep. Did you have a good night?”

“Yeah,” Blake says. “It would’ve been better if you were there though.”

“I’m sorry, I needed a break,” Leo says.

“I know,” Blake says. “I just missed you.”

“Come here,” Leo says, grabbing Blake’s arm gently and pulling him closer.

Blake buries his head against Leo’s neck and Leo wraps his arms around Blake, stroking his back. Blake shifts slightly and presses his hips against Leo causing Leo to groan softly. Blake is worried that Leo will stop him and say he’s too tired, but he doesn’t. Instead he places his hand under Blake’s chin and tilts his head up to kiss him.

Blake lets Leo kiss and touch him for a while without pushing it any further, but after a few more minutes he decides he can’t wait any more. He slips his hands under the fabric of Leo’s boxers without breaking their kiss. Leo sighs and pulls Blake even tighter up against him so that they’re straddling one another, their erections pressed together.

“Fuck,” Blake moans.

Leo thrusts slightly, pressing his cock between Blake’s legs. Even with the thin layers of cloth between them, the friction is intense and Blake is almost dizzy with pleasure. He feels like his whole body is melting into Leo wherever they’re touching. He’s so focused on the sensations that he doesn’t realize Leo is saying something to him until Leo says his name a few times.

“Blake?” Leo says again, his hips stilling.

“Sorry, what?” Blake asks.

“I asked if you wanted to grab lube,” Leo says. “Are you ok?”

“Lube, right,” Blake says with a nod. He starts to move away but Leo grabs his arm and stops him.

“Blake, are you ok?” Leo repeats.

“Yeah,” Blake says after pausing for a moment. “I’m just really fucking high.”

Leo sighs and lets go of Blake’s arm.

“Ok, we’re not doing this,” he says.

“What? Why?” Blake says.

“I’m not having sex with you when you’re this high,” Leo replies.

“Nooo,” Blake whines, drawing out the word. “I’m fine. I promise. It’s fine.” Leo shakes his head. “Please,” Blake says desperately.

“Blake, you’re way too out of it right now. I don’t feel comfortable with this. Let’s just go to bed, ok?”

“You can’t just get me this turned on then stop cold and expect me to fall asleep,” Blake says, pouting.

“I’m sorry,” Leo says. “I would’ve stopped things sooner if I had known you were high. If you’re still up for it in the morning we can have sex then, ok?”

“But that doesn’t help me now,” Blake replies. Leo sighs.

“I know, love. And trust me, I’d be all over you if you were in a better state. But I don’t think you can make proper choices now and it wouldn’t be right for us to do anything.”

“Then what am I supposed to do?” Blake asks, frustrated.

“Try and sleep?” Leo offers. “Or you could take a quick shower or something. Or just jerk off.”

“Would you watch me?” Blake asks.

“What?”

“If I jerked off, would you watch?”

“Are you saying you want me to?” Leo asks. Blake nods. “I don’t know…” Leo says, his voice trailing off.

“Please? You wouldn’t even be touching me or anything,” Blake says.

“Ok,” Leo says after a moment. He’s still not sure it’s a good idea, but he feels bad about the situation, plus the way Blake is looking at him makes it hard to say no.

Blake smiles, then moves slightly away from Leo so they’re not touching but their bodies are just inches apart. Blake looks directly into Leo’s eyes as he slips his hand into his boxers and grasps his cock. He strokes himself for a bit, making soft sounds of pleasure and breathing heavily.

“Mmm,” Blake moans, “I’m thinking about you fucking me.” Leo bites his lip. “Thinking about your big cock inside me. God, I want you so bad.”

Blake keeps touching himself while he uses his other hand to pull his boxers off all the way. Leo swallows hard, wanting nothing more than to have Blake right then and there. But instead he just watches. He’s incredibly turned on and desperately wants to touch himself, but he isn’t sure if that would be crossing a line.

“You like this?” Blake asks. “Does it turn you on watching me do this to myself, knowing I’m thinking about you?”

“Yeah,” Leo says, breathlessly.

Blake moans and lets his eyes wander across Leo’s body, taking in every inch before settling on Leo’s very obvious erection.

“You look so hard,” Blake says, licking his lips subconsciously. “You must be aching to touch yourself.”

“I don’t know if I should,” Leo says, still unsure if it would be pushing things too far.

“I want you to,” Blake says. “Please.”

Leo thinks for a moment, then nods, deciding that even if it’s closer to sex than just watching Blake, it’s still fairly harmless. He tugs his boxers off and moans loudly as soon as he wraps his hand around his cock. He doubts it will take much of anything for him to come at this point. Leo can tell Blake is close too from the way he’s breathing and his slightly dazed look, although Leo isn’t entirely sure whether that’s from arousal or drugs.

“Can I kiss you?” Blake asks, panting slightly.

Leo knows he should say no, but he finds himself nodding anyway. They’d made out before in various states of inebriation, Leo reasons. Was this really that much different?

Blake shifts slightly closer to Leo, their arms brushing against one another, and leans in to kiss him. Leo eagerly kisses back, glad to finally be touching Blake again. He has to stop himself from pulling Blake even closer and pressing their bodies together, even though he desperately wants to. Instead he focuses on Blake’s lips and imagines that it’s Blake stroking his cock instead of his own hand.

It doesn’t take much longer for both of them to come. Leo lies still for a moment before he gets up and walks to the bathroom. He grabs a washcloth and wets it slightly, cleaning himself up before returning to the bedroom. He hands the cloth to Blake, who already looks half asleep, and climbs back into bed.

“Thanks,” Blake mumbles. He gets cleaned up and tosses the washcloth in the general direction of the hamper.

“Was that ok?” Leo asks, wrapping his arm around Blake.

“Mmmhmm,” Blake says. “Still wish you would’ve fucked me though.”

“Even this was pushing it Blake,” Leo says. He runs his hand through Blake’s hair gently. “Tomorrow, ok?”

“Ok,” Blake says. He yawns and curls up against Leo. “I love you.”

“Love you too,” Leo says. He pulls the comforter up around them and closes his eyes.

***

Leo turns to Blake as they’re walking to his car.

“Is Alec drinking again?” he asks.

Blake hesitates for a moment, just long enough for Leo to notice.

“Why are you asking me? Blake says.

“Because I’m worried he is, and I figure if he would’ve told anyone, it would’ve been you.”

“Ok, well hypothetically, if he was drinking again and he had told me that, wouldn’t he have told me with the expectation that I wouldn’t tell anyone else?” Blake asks.

Leo sighs as they get into the car.

“How long has this been going on?”

“I didn’t say anything is going on.”

“Blake, come on. I’m not stupid.”

“If I knew, and I’m not saying I do, it really wouldn’t be my place to tell you,” Blake says.

“Is this what was going on with you two before we went to London? Christ, that was almost two months ago, Blake. Why the hell didn’t you tell me?”

Blake doesn’t say anything, he just stares out the window as Leo starts the car and pulls out of his parking spot.

“You know you’re enabling him by not telling anyone,” Leo says. “He could’ve gotten help months ago, but you just ignored it.”

“So, what, you were just going to convince him to stop drinking again?” Blake asks angrily. “You think he would’ve listened to you? You think I didn’t say anything or try to do something? That I was just totally fine with it?”

“How bad is it?” Leo asks softly after a moment of silence. Blake bites his lip.

“It’s… not great,” he says after a brief pause. “I mean, I don’t really know. I’ve only actually seen him drink a few times. He’s been good at hiding it. But what I’ve seen hasn’t been promising.”

“Yeah?”

“He’s gotten his tolerance up pretty high again,” Blake says. “I wouldn’t be surprised if he’s drinking almost as much as he was before.”

“We need to do something, Blake.”

“I don’t think we can.”

“We’re going on tour abroad in a month and a half, we told him before he can’t go if he’s not sober,” Leo says.

“Then we better find another drummer.”

Chapter Text

It’s after midnight when Leo decides that it’s not worth waiting up any longer to see if Blake will come home. Usually when he goes out with Alec he gets home later than Leo wants to be awake – if he comes home at all – but Leo still stays up just in case. It’s harder to fall asleep when Blake is gone. He’s in bed, about to go to sleep, when Alec calls him.

“Hello?” he says.

“Hey,” Alec replies.

“What’s up? It’s like one in the morning.”

“Can you come pick up your dumbass boyfriend? He’s passed out on my couch,” Alec says. Leo sighs.

“He’s not my boyfriend. And why can’t he just sleep there tonight? Or you could drive him.”

“I’m too drunk to drive,” Alec says. “Besides, don’t you want him home with you?” He pauses for a second. “You are living together, aren’t you?”

“Did Blake tell you that?” Leo asks.

“Mmmhmm,” Alec replies.

“I dunno, I think I might rather get some sleep than have him here,” Leo says. He’s mostly joking, although it’s not a lie that he wants to sleep.

“But,” Alec says, drawing the word out for a few seconds. “Aren’t you worried about us fucking?” He laughs.

“That’s not funny, Alec,” Leo says, slightly more annoyed than he feels like he should be. He knows it’s a joke, and he can tell Alec is pretty drunk, but it still makes him upset.

“Just come get him. I wanna go to sleep,” Alec says.

“Why can’t you sleep now? I don’t wanna drive there, it’s late.”

“Cause I gotta make sure he doesn’t fuckin’ die or whatever.”

“Is he ok?” Leo asks, suddenly much more concerned. “What happened?”

“I dunno, he just, he drank a lot and he was acting, you know, really drunk and stuff and he kept falling asleep. Like I was trying to talk to him and he couldn’t stay awake and that seemed not good. And I don’t wanna just go to bed until I know he’s gonna be ok.”

“Why did he drink so much?” Leo asks. “He’s usually pretty responsible about that stuff.”

“We were… we were being dumb. And he gets mad at me sometimes. For drinking. He doesn’t usually say it anymore but I know he does.”

“Alec, what happened?” Leo asks, trying to get Alec back on topic so he can get a real answer. He hasn’t talked to Alec when he’s actually been noticeably drunk in a long time, and he had forgotten how frustrating it was.

“He said he was gonna drink as much as I did. Cause he didn’t want me to drink that much. So he said whatever I had he was gonna drink that too. And I thought it was a joke because he says dumb shit all the time. And he knows… he knows my fucking tolerance is… it’s fucked. It’s all fucked and I just wanted to get drunk. I haven’t gotten drunk in forever.”

“I don’t think that’s true.”

“Not drunk,” Alec says, emphasizing the word. “I drink but I don’t get drunk. I don’t get fucked up. I want to… to get fucked up.”

Leo sighs. He’s sure if Alec were more sober he’d realize how awful that sounded. But at least he’s being honest about it for once.

“You sound drunk,” Leo says after a brief pause. “Did Blake really drink as much as you did? Because if he did and you’re this drunk, I’m surprised he isn’t dead.”

“No. Not that much. Too much though. I told him to stop. He was mad at me. Because I kept drinking. But what the fuck was I supposed to do?”

“Jesus Christ, Alec,” Leo says.

“Please come get him,” Alec says.

“Fine,” Leo replies. He’s annoyed, but his concern for Blake, and for Alec if he’s being honest, outweighs his annoyance. “I’ll be over in like fifteen minutes. Try not to die, yeah?”

“Thank youuuu,” Alec says, drawing the last syllable out.

“Bye, Alec.”

Leo hangs up and takes a moment to collect himself before he gets out of bed and throws on some sweatpants and a t-shirt.

When he gets to Alec’s apartment building and presses the button to call him, it takes a long time for anyone to answer. Leo is almost considering calling again or texting Alec when his voice finally comes through the speaker.

“Hello?” Alec says, sounding confused.

“It’s Leo. I’m here.”

“Oh, right. Yeah, I’ll do the… the door thing.”

“Ok, thanks,” Leo says, rolling his eyes.

He hangs up and waits a moment until the door beeps and unlocks. He tries not to worry too much while he waits for the elevator to get to Alec’s floor, but it’s hard. At first he was only really worried about Blake, but the way Alec sounded makes him scared. He doesn’t even want to think about how much he must have had to drink tonight.

He knocks on Alec’s door and waits for a few seconds until Alec opens it. He can smell the alcohol on him immediately. The living room light inside the apartment is off, but the kitchen light is bright enough that Leo can see fairly well. Alec looks at him for a moment before saying anything.“Hi,” Alec says.

“Hi,” Leo replies. “Can I come in?”

Alec nods and steps back into the apartment so Leo can walk through the door. Leo can make out the shape of Blake lying on the couch, a blanket wrapped around him. Leo walks over and turns on the lamp on the end table, then sits on the edge of the couch next to Blake.

“Hey,” Leo says quietly, touching Blake’s shoulder gently.

“Hmm?” Blake mumbles. His eyes flutter open for a brief second before falling shut again.

“I’m gonna take you home, ok?” Leo says.

“Mmhmm,” Blake says, but he doesn’t move at all.

Leo moves his hand up to Blake’s head and runs his fingers through his hair for a few moments. He’s always had a soft spot for the way Blake looks when he’s sleeping and he takes a minute just to stroke his head, watching the slow rise and fall of his chest.

“Oh,” Alec says softly as he watches Leo. “You’re… you’re like, in love with him.”

Leo looks at him quizzically.

“What?”

“The way you, I dunno, the way you look at him and talk to him and touch him. It’s just….” His voice trails off.

Leo waits for a few seconds to see if he’ll finish the thought, but he doesn’t. He isn’t sure how to respond, so he just nods, then goes back to trying to get Blake to wake up.

“Blake, come on, we gotta go,” Leo says, gently shaking his arm.

“Nooo,” Blake mumbles. “’m sleepy.”

“You can sleep in the car, ok?”

Blake makes an indiscernible noise and rolls onto his side, burying his head against the back of the couch. Leo puts his hand on Blake’s back and rubs in circles for a moment. He kind of understands what Alec means, about the way he interacts with Blake. Something about seeing him like this makes Leo want to be soft with him. To hold him and protect him and make sure he’s safe. It almost makes him forget that he’s upset with him for being so irresponsible. Almost.

“Let’s go,” Leo says. “It’s late, I want to go to bed.”

Blake doesn’t respond and by the way he’s breathing, Leo is pretty sure he fell back asleep. Leo sighs and looks at Alec.

“You can go sleep,” Leo says. “I’ve got him.”

"Ok,” Alec says, nodding. “I’m sorry. I didn’t… I should’ve stopped him sooner.”

“It’s not your fault. He’s an adult. He can deal with the consequences in the morning. Just get some sleep.”

Alec nods again and walks off to his room. Part of Leo thinks he shouldn’t leave Alec alone, but he seems coherent enough to be alright. He can feel Blake’s chest rising and falling against his palm and he almost feels bad about waking him up. He looks so peaceful. He leans down and softly kisses Blake’s cheek.

“Blakey, we have to go.”

Blake’s eyes open slowly and he blinks a few times. He turns his head and looks at Leo, confused.

“Go where?” Blake asks, his voice sleepy and slightly slurred.

“Home. To bed.”

Blake mumbles something Leo can’t understand, but he does roll over and start to get up. Leo helps him when he tries to stand up, holding his arm so he doesn’t stumble. He keeps his hand on Bake’s arm the entire walk to the car, even after Blake has his footing. As soon as he gets in the car and buckles his seatbelt, Blake rests his head against the window and closes his eyes. By the time Leo parks in front of their apartment, Blake is asleep again.

When they’re finally together in bed, Leo lies awake for a long time. Even though he’s exhausted, he can’t shake his anxiety that something bad might happen. He holds Blake close to him, Blake’s back pressed tight against his chest, so he can feel him breathing. As annoyed as he is to have had to drive and pick Blake up, he’s grateful Alec asked him to come. It’s been a while since he’s had to sleep alone, and having Blake here, knowing he’s safe, is comforting.

Chapter Text

Alec is sitting with Blake at the back of a pub, vaguely listening to the live music that’s playing. The band isn’t particularly good and if they weren’t getting free drinks, he would have asked Blake if he wanted to leave about three songs ago.

“So,” Blake says, giving up on paying attention to the music. “Are you gonna get a fake ID before we go on tour?”

Alec looks at him, confused.

“What?”

“I mean, I was just thinking, you’re not 21 yet,” Blake says. “And you remember what happened last time. I know you found ways to get alcohol, but it might be better if you could buy your own.” He pauses for a second. “Since Cam still thinks you’re sober.”

Alec winces slightly.

“Yeah,” he says quietly. “You’re right. I’ll figure something out.”

“And you should tell Finn,” Blake says. “Because you two are rooming together and he’s gonna figure it out pretty quickly.”

“Wait, you and Leo are sharing a room?” Alec asks. Blake nods.

“Yeah.”

“I mean, it makes sense,” Alec says. “I just didn’t know if Cam was ok with that.”

“He’s our manager, not our dad,” Blake replies, rolling his eyes. “And he was fine with it when we were in London, so I don’t see why that would’ve changed.”

“Oh, I didn’t know,” Alec says softly. He knows Blake is still a bit upset that he wasn’t there. They’re both quiet for a few moments.

“I can tell Finn if you want me to,” Blake says. “But he needs to know before we leave. Because if he finds out, he might tell Cam, and I don’t think that’ll end well for you.”

“You don’t have to do that,” Alec says. “I can tell him.”

“Are you sure?”

Alec hesitates, trying to imagine how that conversation would go. But the only thing he can think of is the way Finn looks at him every time he’s worried or scared, and he knows that he won’t be able to get the words out.

“Would you?” Alec says. “I know I should be the one to do it, but….”

“Yeah, I’ll talk to him,” Blake says.

“I’m sorry.”

“I offered. It’s fine.”

“I know. But not just that. I’m sorry for all this shit. You shouldn’t have to do any of this.”

Blake doesn’t know how to respond. Of course he wishes he didn’t have to do these things. He wishes he didn’t have to lie and help Alec hide all this. But he can’t think of any other option.

“I’ll talk to him this weekend, ok?” Blake says after a pause that’s just a few seconds too long. “And you get the ID thing figured out.” Alec nods.

“Thanks,” he says.

“No problem,” Blake replies. “I’m gonna go grab one more drink, then let’s get out of here.”

The next day at practice, Blake walks over to Finn as soon as they finish running through the last song in the setlist.

“Finn, I’m gonna drive you home,” Blake says.

“Oh,” Finn says, glancing briefly at Leo. “Ok, cool.” He wants to ask why, but he doesn’t.

He packs his things up and waits for Blake by the door. Leo walks over to Blake while he’s putting his guitar away and says something that Finn can’t hear. Blake nods.

“Ready?” Blake asks.

“Yeah,” Finn replies.

He waits until they’re almost to Blake’s car before he says anything else.

“Did Leo have to do something?” Finn asks. Blake looks at him for a moment before shaking his head.

“No. I just wanted to drive you.”

“Oh,” Finn says. He knows that’s not the truth; Blake has complained about driving him places far too many times for him to believe that.

It’s been a long time since he’s been in Blake’s car and he feels strange sitting in the passenger seat. It reminds him too much of when he first met Blake, those first few months where no one knew who they were and nothing was nearly as complicated.

“Are you excited to be going on a big tour again?” Blake asks after they’ve been driving for a few minutes.

“I guess,” Finn replies.

“You don’t sound so sure about that,” Blake says. Finn sighs.

“It’s a long time to be away,” he says. “And last time was so… crazy. I don’t want it to be like that again.”

“Yeah,” Blake says. “Actually, um, I wanted to talk to you about that. Kind of.” He pauses for a moment and Finn can tell he’s thinking carefully about what he’s going to say. “Just, you know, me and Leo are gonna be sharing a room.”

“I said I was fine with that,” Finn says quickly.

“Yeah, no, I know,” Blake says. “But that also means you’re sharing a room with Alec. And he asked me to talk to you about some stuff.”

“What?” Finn says, confused. He wasn’t sure where exactly he expected this conversation to go, but this definitely wasn’t it. “Why did he ask you? Does he not want to talk to me himself?”

“I offered to do this for him,” Blake says. “Because it’s important. And I didn’t trust him to actually tell you.”

Finn wants to ask a million questions, but he just sits quietly and waits for Blake to keep talking. The car is silent for a few long moments before Blake speaks again.

“God, this is so much harder to talk about than I thought it would be,” Blake says. He takes a deep breath. “Look, Alec has been out of rehab for like, six months now. And that shit is hard, you know? He’s had a really hard time.”

“Yeah,” Finn says quietly.

“I don’t think either of us can even imagine how hard this has been for him. And, um, I know he’s acted like things have been going well, but it’s been more complicated than that.”

“Complicated?” Finn asks. He’s pretty sure he knows exactly what Blake means by that, but he hopes that he’s wrong.

“This kind of thing is a process, right? Like, there’s ups and downs, and even if you try your hardest, that doesn’t mean you don’t slip up.”

“He’s drinking again?”

Blake hesitates for a second before nodding.

“You can’t tell Cam,” Blake says. “Because he won’t let Alec go on the tour with us if he knows.”

“Should he be going?” Finn asks. “Maybe Cam would be right not to let him.”

“If he doesn’t go, I won’t either,” Blake says. “I’m not doing this without him.”

“But what if something bad happens?” Finn says. “We talked about this. We decided he couldn’t do this type of thing if he didn’t get help, remember?”

“And he did, ok? He got help. He’s trying, Finn, he really is.” Blake sighs and shakes his head slowly. “Look, I’m not happy about this either. No one is happy about this.”

“Does Leo know?”

“Yeah. He knows.”

“Why am I always the last one to know everything?” Finn asks, frustrated. He feels like he’s constantly out of the loop, like Blake, Alec, and Leo are in their own world and he’s only included when it’s convenient or necessary.

“Do you know how hard it is for me to hide things from Leo?” Blake replies. “I’m a good liar, but it’s basically fucking impossible for me to lie to him. But that’s not what the point is here, ok? I just need you to promise you won’t tell Cam about this.”

“Why does it matter if I do? If you threaten not to go on the tour without Alec, there’s nothing he can do. You know he can’t replace you.”

“I guess,” Blake says. “But I’d like to avoid as much conflict as possible. And if it doesn’t make a difference either way….” His voice trails off.

“I don’t want to just ignore this,” Finn says. “Not again.”

“We’re not going to ignore it,” Blake says. “I promise. But right now, we’re just doing the best we can, ok?”

“Ok,” Finn says. “I won’t tell him.”

***

Finn and Alec are sitting on the bed in their hotel room, looking at their phones, when they hear noises through the wall. Finn knows it’s the wall they share with Blake and Leo, but it still takes him a minute to figure out what’s going on. As soon as he realizes that they’re having sex, his heart drops.

He tries to ignore it, to imagine that the creaking of the bed is from something else. But every so often he hears Blake moan or swear, and he can’t rationalize that away.

“Jesus Christ,” Alec says, grabbing a pillow and burying his head in it. “You’d think they would’ve figure out how to be a little bit quieter by now.”

“Yeah,” Finn says softly.

They’re both quiet for a few minutes, the only sound in the room is the noises through the wall and the dull hum of the radiator. The creaking of the bed stops for a moment and Finn can hear a brief muffled conversation followed by a loud moan.

“Ok, come on,” Alec says, getting up from the bed. “I don’t wanna listen to this anymore.”

Finn watches as Alec grabs his laptop and walks over to the dresser. He opens the top drawer and pulls out a bottle of vodka before walking toward the bathroom.

“Coming?” Alec asks, waiting in the bathroom doorway.

“To the bathroom?” Finn asks, confused.

“I don’t wanna leave the room and this is gonna be the quietest place,” Alec says. “We can sit on the floor and watch a movie or something.”

“Ok,” Finn says,

Finn follows Alec into the bathroom and sits with him on the floor, their backs against the side of the tub. Alec puts his laptop and the vodka bottle on the floor in front of them, then stands up and grabs a glass for the sink counter.

“You want something to drink?” Alec asks.

“Sure,” Finn says.

Alec hands him a glass and then sits down again. He opens the vodka bottle and pours himself a glass. He holds the bottle out to Finn.

“Do you have any mixers?” Finn asks.

“Oh, um, I think there’s soda or something in the fridge,” Alec says. “I really doubt Cam will notice if we get billed for taking stuff from the room.”

“Ok,” Finn says. “You want anything?”

“Nah, I’m good,” Alec replies.

Finn nods and walks out of the bathroom. As he grabs a soda from the fridge, he can briefly hear Leo and Blake through the wall again. He sighs and slams the fridge shut.

“Alright?” Alec asks as Finn sits back down on the bathroom floor.

“Yeah,” Finn says. He takes the vodka bottle and pours a bit into his glass. “I just wish I could get over him already.”

He pauses to open the soda can and fill the rest of his glass. Alec just watches silently.

“I thought I was, you know?” Finn says. “I really thought I was over it.” He sighs and takes a drink. “And then he kissed me. A month or two ago. And he said it was a mistake, but….” Finn shakes his head and doesn’t finish the sentence.

“Shit, dude,” Alec says. “Does Leo know?”

“I dunno. I never told him. Blake might’ve, but I doubt it.”

“Yeah.” Alec says. “I’m sorry, that sucks.”

“It’s ok,” Finn says. “I know how he feels about me. And how he feels about Leo. It’s not like I think anything is ever gonna really happen between us. It just, I dunno, it just sucks to constantly be reminded of that.”

“Yeah,” Alec says quietly. Finn can tell he doesn’t know what else to say.

Alec drinks the rest of the vodka from his glass and pours some more. Finn looks at his own drink for a moment.

“I don’t get how you can drink that straight,” Finn says.

“It’s not that bad,” Alec replies. “You get used to it.” He pauses and takes another drink. “It’s not like I drink it for the taste anyway.”

Finn is quiet for a few seconds, trying to decide what to say. He always feels a bit uncomfortable talking to Alec about alcohol, especially now. But he also doesn’t like avoiding the topic and pretending he doesn’t notice or care.

“Why do you drink it then?” Finn finally asks. “If you don’t like it.”

Alec stares at Finn for a moment.

“Um, that’s kind of a hard question. I mean, like, I drink vodka because it gets me drunk fast. Well, faster than beer or some shit. But in general? If I knew the answer to that question… I don’t think I’d have ended up in fucking rehab.”

“Do you think you’re gonna try and quit drinking again?” Finn asks. Alec bites his lip anxiously.

“I can’t think about that right now,” he says, shaking his head. “I know everyone is upset about it. And I feel shitty for not trying, but god, Finn, you have no fucking idea what it was like. I don’t think I can go through that again.”

“You seemed like you were doing good when you were sober,” Finn says. “Like you were more… I don’t know, more there.”

“I guess,” Alec says quietly. “Look, you didn’t see me when I was actually in rehab. You can ask Blake, I was fucking miserable. And it wasn’t just like me being stupid about it, you know? Even if mentally I had wanted to do it, it would’ve been awful. There’s a lot I don’t remember from the first week or so I was there, but I have never felt that bad. I could barely leave my bed. I thought I was gonna die.”

“Oh,” Finn says. “I had no idea.”

“Yeah. So I’d rather not do that again.”

Finn wants to say something else, he feels like he should try and convince Alec to change his mind about getting sober again, but he knows it won’t work. And he doesn’t think it’s really his place anyway.

“Can we talk about something else? Or watch a movie?” Alec asks. “I just, I don’t love having these conversations.”

“Yeah, I’m sorry,” Finn says.

“It’s fine. I know people worry about me. And I’ve been kind of shitty about a lot of things these past few months. But I’m just doing the best I can right now.”

Finn just nods. There are a few moments of silence before he finally speaks.

“What movie do you want to watch?” Finn asks.

Alec looks visibly relieved that Finn isn’t going to keep asking him about his drinking and he smiles slightly.

“Have you ever seen Fight Club? I saw a post about it earlier today and it reminded me that I wanted to re-watch it sometime.”

“I haven’t seen it,” Finn replies.

“It’s good. Plus, young Brad Pitt is hot, so that’s a plus.”

Finn laughs softly.

“I always forget you’re into men.”

“Really?” Alec asks. Finn shrugs.

“I dunno, you don’t really talk about it ever.”

“Neither do you.”

“I guess,” Finn says. “It’s weird. Like I get why Blake and Leo don’t want to be open about things. It’s hard to talk about. Especially when you’re so used to having to hide things.”

Alec nods and hesitates for a moment.

“Look, if you ever need someone to talk to, I know I’m maybe not the most… I don’t know. I’m not like, great at advice or whatever. But I’m always here for you, yeah?”

“Thanks,” Finn says.

He hadn’t really considered that Alec would be willing to talk with him about that kind of thing. But thinking about it, he realizes that it might actually be nice to have someone other than Blake or Leo who he can be open with.