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Chapter Text

Kaveh came to his life without warning, without explanation, on a sweet spring day that he had decided to spend (like almost every other day) in the Akademiya library.

He had his headphones set to music, so even though he had noticed the classmates who had so much time that they could use a bit of it criticizing him behind his back, he continued reading without bothering to say anything to them.

Or so it was until a shadow covered the sun shining on his book and sat down beside him. Alhaitham thought it was one of the boys, who had bothered to approach this time, so he looked up.

Then the most beautiful person he had ever seen entered his vision. In those days, he had brunette hair, with reddish highlights in the sun that made it shine. It was only a little, but the blonde roots also caught his attention. Long hair surrounded his face and fell slightly over his forehead, just above his crimson eyes that seemed to sparkle as he looked at him.

His lips formed words, but Alhaitham couldn't hear it. Just watching them move, a strange feeling twisted inside him. He quickly turned off the music.

"I didn't hear you, could you repeat that?"

"I was asking if you're all right. Are they bothering you?," repeated the senior, glancing at the boys standing a few feet away from them (Alhaitham found himself thinking that he still looked cute even while trying to look mean).

Alhaitham turned as well, and caught by the not at all nice look on their faces, the group played dumb and scattered.

"They don't even dare to say anything to your face," the senior began to complain, and he was getting really annoyed.

"How they spend their time is their business," Alhaitham asserted.

"But still! Instead of improving themselves, they prefer to spend their time criticizing others. I can't stand those people!"

Alhaitham didn't understand why he was so angry when he himself couldn't care less —he had no one who would do anything like that for him besides his grandmother—, but the way that senior pouted a little when complaining twisted his insides in a good way.

"Since I'm your senior, I wanted to make sure they weren't bothering you," the boy finished.

Alhaitham was one of those who thought that being older or younger couldn't matter more than one's ability. Even so, he found that it didn't bother him at all that the boy was taking care of him.

"Mhm. I'm fine."

The senior looked back at him and they stood there. Alhaitham didn't mind (he actually wanted to keep watching him some more), but assuming the other would be bothered by the silence, he was about to excuse himself to keep reading when the senior spoke again.

"Do you like books?," he blurted out suddenly, as if he had been holding back.

Alhaitham nodded, and was about to leave it there, but it occurred to him that, if he kept talking, he might keep this person around a bit longer, so he opened his mouth.

"It's like taking a look at the past, to question how we got to the present. Reading is a good mental exercise."

When Alhaitham looked at him again, a sweet, radiant smile lifted his lips and made him take on a whole different light. His heart leapt as the senior nodded his head in excitement.

"It's very different from learning through the Akasha! Do you like runes? Are you from Haravatat? I was curious about some runes that came up in this architecture project . If you have some time, could you recommend any books?

Too many words jumped out at him in too little time. Alhaitham frowned unconsciously. The brunette must have noticed the gesture, because his energy dropped to zero instantly.

"Ah, sorry, it's okay if you can't..."

The poor guy looked like a wet puppy.

Normally, Alhaitham would have had no problem pointing him to the rune section and telling him to help himself, but the way he had so suddenly recoiled at such a small gesture.... It bothered him. For some reason, he wanted him to smile again.

"Are you from Kshahrewar?"

The brunette senior nodded sheepishly.

"Yes, but don't you worry..."

"I'll help you," he interrupted.

The boy blinked as if surprised.

"Yes? If you have to study or something..."

"It's easier if I guide you, or you'll waste time looking for every single rune."

He received a dubious nod in response.

His Darshan had nothing to do with it (if Alhaitham was going to take care of every Kshahrewar student there was just because his grandmother was from that Darshan, he wouldn't have time for anything), but it had reminded him of something his grandmother said.

'Someday you'll meet someone who seems to brighten your day every time they smile, don't let them go.'

Perhaps because she didn't usually say things like that, her words replayed in his mind instantly and he responded without thinking.

"Thank you then. My name is Kaveh, by the way."

"I am Alhaitham."

His smile returned to where it had to be, and it felt good.

"Ah! I know a place where we can go to study without anyone bothering us, do you want to go?"

When he thought about that moment, Alhaitham wouldn't say that he fell in love at first sight (how could someone develop such a complex feeling just by seeing someone?), but he would say that he felt a great curiosity for that senior. To know more about what he thought, what he felt, what he was like. And that feeling never faded away.

It didn't stop when they argued and parted ways.

It was still there when they got back together and he had Kaveh to himself every day.

And it didn't go away in the years after Kaveh disappeared, burning inside him like nothing had ever done before.

-

Kaveh was gone from his life without warning, without explanation.

It would be a lie if he said he didn't worry the very day Kaveh didn't come home as he had said he would.

It was true that the architect would sometimes dawdle and decide to stay longer at his work, but whenever that was the case, he used to send him a message. When he didn't, it was Alhaitham who would send a message to remind him to let him know if he would take more time.

So he was the first to find out that Kaveh had left work as agreed.

But he never arrived.

Alhaitham was the first to insist on organizing the search for Kaveh and took days off to help himself.

At the time, he imagined the embarrassment Kaveh would go through if he were found safe and sound, but he would deserve it. For making him worry. And he imagined that because it was easier than imagining Kaveh injured and trapped somewhere where no one would find him. Where Alhaitham couldn't find him.

So, he shut off those thoughts, silenced them for days.

But time was passing.

Two days later. If he didn't have water, he'd be way over the edge by then, in the desert.

Seven days later. Would he still have water? Kaveh wasn't very good at calculating rations.

Ten days later. Maybe he got hurt in the forest, fell into some hole and couldn't get out. In the forest he would have water and maybe even food.

Two weeks later. If it was Kaveh, he could resist waiting a little longer, couldn't he? If he believed even a little bit in him?

At some point, he thought maybe he should notify Kaveh's mother, and she arrived one day. Alhaitham thought she looked like Kaveh, but not exactly, for no one was like Kaveh. They didn't talk much, but knowing she was there comforted Alhaitham if only a little. There was someone else who would search for Kaveh until the end. They had to search for him until the end.

Somehow, time passed unbearably slowly while, at the same time, when he realized it, he had guards at his door with uncomfortable expressions.

"Since after all this time we still haven't heard from Mr. Kaveh, we're going to have to lower the number of people in the search."

And Alhaitham first thought that was stupid, until it hit him like a stone that it had been two months.

Did they think Kaveh was...?

He listened to them, but not really.

The months continued to pass and the search was relegated to a few guards. So few that there was no way they could find anything.

Alhaitham thought it would be just him and Kaveh's mother, who looked more sunken, more tired every day. He wondered if he looked like that to the others too. He would, if they knew how to interpret him as Kaveh did.

He didn't know when it happened, but a year came and went.

Kaveh's mother had already been attending fewer and fewer quests, so Alhaitham wasn't surprised when she announced she was going back to Fontaine. But he was disappointed.

Kaveh would be saddened if he knew his mother had abandoned him.

Or maybe he would just think he deserved it as he was wont to do.

But Alhaitham wouldn't leave him.

He would still need a home when he returned, wouldn't he?

What would become of him if no one was waiting for him?

Alhaitham silenced the voice of logic again and again and kept looking for him.

At some point it occurred to him that Kaveh might have left on his own. He made good on his threats and left to live somewhere else. Somewhere far away from Alhaitham, where he could never see him again.

The very idea was stupid: Kaveh would not leave without even leaving a message for his mother, so he held back from talking about that idea with his friends, those he had gotten through Kaveh. They already looked at him with pity when the subject came up, he didn't need them to think he was going crazy from agony (though perhaps that was the flat, honest truth).

However, that thought gave way to another. Maybe it was his fault. Once again. And he wondered. If he hadn't chickened out then, if he had stopped him and told him how he felt, would Kaveh still be there with him to that day and the days to come? Or would he have run away anyway because he wasn't ready yet? Thinking about the past was pointless because he could no longer do anything to change it, but the guilt always found a way to remain there, imprisoning his heart.

He began to invest money in information on his own. He had been saving money for a long time, hoping to fulfill some foolish dream, so he had enough to give to Kaveh.

And he kept searching even after the day Kaveh was declared presumed deceased.

Alhaitham was a person who knew loss. He had had few people in his life that he cared about. His parents, his grandmother. He had been alone before he met Kaveh and he was as fine as one could be with that. But it was nothing like this.

Thinking about them didn't burn in his chest, in his soul, he didn't have the feeling that he could have done something. He couldn't wait for them to come back when he already knew they were gone. He couldn't say the same for Kaveh.

He just... wanted to know what happened to him.

The world went on, but not for Alhaitham.

It got to the point where it wasn't like he was purposefully waiting, but the years passed and buried him along with his feelings. It was more like he couldn't grasp the idea that the world could go on without Kaveh, and everything just stopped making any sense until the day they would meet again.

After so many years, he began to assimilate the idea that that day would not come until his death.

His last breath, his last whim, was to maintain his information network.

To prove to himself that he had done all he could.

To prove to Kaveh that there was someone who was still waiting for him.

He couldn't say he had accepted the idea that he would never see Kaveh again, but he thought of it as the truth.

Until that day.

-

"Mr. Scribe!"

A guard burst into his office when he was halfway through his papers. Alhaitham didn't bother to look up, which would generally be a good sign to get out of there, but the guard, though cowed, didn't back down.

"I'm sorry, it's important..."

Only then did Alhaitham look up from his papers, urging the guard to continue with his gaze.

"They found a dehydrated and injured person in the desert. They took him to the Aaru Village and Miss Candace...." Alhaitham saw clearly how the man swallowed saliva, "she said it was Mr. Kaveh."

Chapter Text

"I'm leaving for the desert tomorrow."

Kaveh cut the silence at dinner by spitting out that announcement.

Not that silence really bothered him, at least when he was with Alhaitham... or so he would say until the night before.

Basically...

"Haitham~"

He was drunk, he had just returned home after Alhaitham brought him back and to his reality-unaware self it seemed like a good idea to stick to his partner like a limpet, trapping him against the wall by the door as best he could.

They were chest to chest, Kaveh had looked up and Alhaitham was so close that it would only take a few inches forward to reach his lips.

Alhaitham didn't seem bothered, so his stupid horniness thought maybe he had a chance.

"Haitham, it's hot."

Maybe...

His leg slipped between Alhaitham's, and he felt himself brushing against the man's crotch. Alhaitham flinched at the touch, and Kaveh brought his face just a little closer...

"Are you feverish?"

Kaveh: ...

He was brushed aside as if he was nothing and would have stumbled over his feet if not for Alhaitham holding him. His junior touched his forehead as if trying to see if he had a fever, but the way he did it, he also ended up covering his eyes.

Kaveh: ......

"If you took better care of yourself and didn't go out drinking until you get drunk...."

"I'm not drunk!" Kaveh pulled his hand away.

(He was, indeed, drunk).

After that they argued for a while and Kaveh went to bed cock blocked.

The embarrassment hadn't gone down one bit when he woke up and remembered what had happened. He wanted to hide for a while, but couldn't, so he signed up for the first project with travel he could find.

"I'm leaving in the wee hours of the morning, so I'll see you in a week," Kaveh finished saying, drumming his fingers nervously on the table.

Alhaitham frowned slightly, and the senior thought he looked a little... disappointed? He dismissed it right away because Alhaitham had no reason to be disappointed. He should be happy that he'd gotten a job.

"I hope you get paid well this time."

"Of course I will!" Kaveh jumped up.

He didn't feel like arguing with Alhaitham —he could still feel himself one step away from blushing like a fool every time he looked at his junior—, so he got up to leave.

Alhaitham's eyes followed him and he lowered his silverware, clearing his throat.

"Don't you have anything else to say?"

Why did he ask that? Kaveh remembered again how it felt to be inches away from Alhaitham, to imagine how his lips would feel. He shook his head vigorously and looked away as heat began to prickle through his body.

"What am I supposed to say?"

If he'd turned to look, he would have surely met that look again. As if he'd said something wrong.

"See you then."

Alhaitham continued eating and Kaveh went to his room to finish getting his things ready.

Had he known what his embarrassment would cost him, he would have preferred to open his heart to Alhaitham right then and there.

However, no one knows the future or can change the past. He didn't know, so he preferred to be a coward. That night he simply walked away, ignorant of his fate.

-

The job was fine. It was not difficult. Kaveh left his heart in it, as always, and used the job to distract himself from thinking about Alhaitham (though his companions would not believe he was accomplishing his goal, with how much he complained about that nameless man).

Then it was soon time to go home. The rest of the team still had work to do, so Kaveh had to make his way back alone. Nothing out of the ordinary, he was already used to it from his multiple jobs in the desert. He simply dismissed the concerns of his companions and set off.

He followed the road and took his breaks.

It was at one of these breaks when he sat in the shade that he saw in the distance something that looked like two little paws flailing desperately, trying to cling to the sand around them. His heart skipped and he hurried closer.

There, half buried in the sand, was a small desert fox squeaking and shaking to try to get out.

Kaveh couldn't help but feel sorry for the little animal.

"Poor thing, how did you get in there?"

He immediately knelt down beside it and gently grabbed it under its legs and tried to pull it out of the sand. Luckily, with his help, it came out without any problems. He then put it down and the fox made a thank you sound and then ran off. Kaveh stood up as he saw his work completed. Or tried to stand.

As soon as he stood up, he felt his heart skip a beat as the ground gave way beneath him. He couldn't even try to hold on to anything.

Darkness engulfed him, sand was everywhere, and he plummeted.

A breath later, he was crashing on his butt on a pile of sand as more sand poured down on his head like rain.

"What...?"

He tried to stand up, but a twinge of pain crawled up his back and sent him back to the ground with a groan.

Then he had no choice but to look up and found he was in a stone corridor, dimly lit by precarious torches. As he looked up, the sand was already ceasing to fall. Somehow, the hole had been covered by more sand, and the ceiling was too high to reach anyway.

Finding himself in that situation, he couldn't help but let out a nervous laugh.

Was he trapped? Alone?

He could feel emotions begin to swirl inside him, ready to attack him when he made the slightest move.

"Beep, beep!" Mehrak said from the side, where she had fallen after Kaveh's hand had come loose when he fell.

He ignored the pain to get up and go pick her up.

"I'm here, I'm here."

His heart warmed again as he found his companion, and he shook the sand off of her before doing the same to himself. Instead of sighing, he took it upon himself to regulate his breathing.

I am not alone.

"Let's find a way out of here. I'm from Kshahrewar for a reason, right?"

"Beep, beep!" Mehrak's little face broke into a smile.

Sure, it couldn't be that hard. People came across these kinds of structures under the sand all the time. Maybe this was one they had explored before and he would find the exit around the corner.

Then he could leave, go home and tell Alhaitham what had happened to him, only to have Alhaitham reprimand him for his carelessness. And maybe he would deserve it a little. But then his junior would ask him if he was all right and help him remedy the bruises that were sure to form, for that's what he loved about that idiot.

Yeah, he'd be out again in no time.

-

Of course, as Kaveh was always depressed to check, he wasn't so lucky.

Soon after, as he entered the first room he found, the door closed behind him.

There was no mechanism in sight, so he tried feeling the door and it wouldn't budge.

At the time, he still didn't want to worry. Looking around, he found some runes he recognized from his days of study with Alhaitham. He didn't quite remember the exact meaning, but he knew they were from King Deshret's civilization.

It wasn't until he had spent a day wandering around that his chest began to tighten again.

He had barely brought any food for the trip, so had to ration his food and go hungry. Besides, was it the ruins? He felt a little dizzy, which made it much harder for him to concentrate.

The second day he sat down to try to remember what the runes meant, and couldn't help but think how much easier it would be if Alhaitham was there.

He wasted a good bit of time wondering if Alhaitham would worry about him when he didn't get home that night. If he would look for him. If he would find him.

He didn't like the idea, so he hurried back to the runes to leave as quickly as possible.

On the third day he began to wonder if the runes meant "you're trapped forever, die" or something like that. He tried to reassure himself that there were no skeletons there. He couldn't be the first.

It wasn't much help. As much as he had to concentrate on finding a way out of there, he couldn't force himself to think for so long about something that had no apparent solution. Therefore, he was bored. Therefore, his mind activated its wonderful characteristic of turning boredom into physical pain. Therefore, it was a thousand times easier to be pessimistic.

And so, on the fourth day he really panicked. He started searching through the sand on the floor, groping all over the wall hoping to find some other clue.

When he collapsed from exhaustion, he could only think that at least Alhaitham was not with him. At least only he had to suffer.

On the fifth day Mehrak's light happened to hit one of the runes and, to his surprise, Kaveh discovered that, under the green light, between the runes, shone some new markings. He almost screamed with joy when he realized that he recognized these new runes. Who the hell thought it was a good idea to hide the recognizable runes?!

"'May the light of salvation shine on sinners'," it read.

...

Why was it so ominous?!

Then it occurred to him that this could be some kind of cell. And if it was a cell, he would have no way out from inside.

Was that it?

Was it his time to pay for all the suffering he had caused?

But if death was the end of suffering, could he afford that relief?

There were those times when the feelings began to overwhelm him too much and suddenly he found himself unable to feel anything. That was one of those times. He should feel frustrated, sad, angry, but inside him there was nothing.

All he had left was a piece of pie, and as he took a bite, for some reason, he remembered Alhaitham's marvelous 'specialty'. A stew profanely turned into a pie. And perhaps at that moment a few tears fell from his eyes.

Would it be so bad if he wanted to see him just one more time?

...If he wanted to see Alhaitham, his mom, his friends?

He wouldn't even complain about that attack to all the soups Alhaitham called food if he made it for him at that moment.

If Alhaitham were there.... He would surely be angry at him, as he did whenever he ended up hurt by his own ideals. He would have reprimanded him for giving up.

So he cried a little, but soon stopped himself: he didn't have enough water to waste on tears.

He got up and paced around with Mehrak, using his light to search the room again. It was then that he saw it. From between the cracks of the door opposite the one he had entered through, a bluish light was barely visible.

Perhaps it couldn't be opened from the inside, but....

"Mehrak, can you shine your light through this gap?" He asked in a whisper, feeling his heart jump violently in his chest.

"Beep beep!"

Mehrak floated to where the cracks were and her face made a "><" as she shone her light with all her might. Kaveh couldn't see well because the cracks were small. What he did see was when the door mechanisms began to move and, with the sound of the stone moving, the door opened.

And suddenly the pressure in his chest was released. He was once again facing a new corridor, but he could almost start crying again.

If it weren't for the cracked door, he would not have made it out, but he had made it. He was free.

He didn't even shed a tear to say goodbye to that empty room.

After that, the road was a thousand times easier. Well, he had to fight monsters while hungry and thirsty in the underground paths, but that was still less stressful than the dead end road he had just escaped from.

If he held on a little longer, he could get out.

If he could just hold on a little longer....

The dizziness intensified and he felt too weak, but he kept moving forward through the mental fog that overcame him. In the end, it was more Mehrak than him leading the way and protecting him.

He almost didn't notice when the sunlight fell on his face. Mehrak slowed down in front of him and stopped him.

"Beep, beep, beep!"

It was a way up. Rather than climbing, he was crawling across the sand to get out into the raw desert. The light burned his eyes, but he couldn't even tear up anymore. He barely had a few more drops of water and couldn't see well enough to know which direction to follow.

He didn't want to stop.

Who was going to find him if he stayed there?

His mind was barely functioning, but inside he knew he couldn't stop. He just had to take one more step.

His foot dragged on the ground and suddenly the world turned upside down. When he realized, he had fallen face first into the sand. Try as he might, his body refused to move again, and his eyesight began to waver.

Through his dry throat came then a name, the name, desperately, as if it were his first and last cry for help in years —and perhaps it was.

"Haitham."

Chapter Text

'It's impossible, don't get your hopes up' was playing in Alhaitham's head over and over again. He didn't listen to it. He walked out of the Akademiya as if possessed, without even looking back.

He thought he was better, but just hearing Kaveh's name, the possibility of seeing him again, made his heart skip like crazy and he could feel himself trembling by the anticipation alone.

Just to say that he had never made such a quick trip in his entire life....

Alhaitham wasn't the type to feel nervous easily either. When he realized his senses were overloaded, he would leave. It was Kaveh. It had always been Kaveh, the only one who could make him swallow the dizziness and keep going even if he felt like he was about to throw up.

What was he supposed to tell him if it was him?

At first, he didn't have time to think about it, and, before it could sink in, there was no longer any reason to believe he'd come back.

But if it was really him... what are you supposed to say to someone you haven't seen in years, who you thought would never come back?

The logical thing to do was to ask him for explanations (was he even entitled to them? He wasn't sure).

That wasn't what resonated in the confusion that was his mind then, but three simple words that would never come close to expressing all he felt.

"I missed you."

At some point, he tried to get his feet back on the ground, and his thoughts took a turn again.

That person might not be Kaveh.

Maybe it was someone who wanted to deceive them.

It might not even be human.

Maybe it was a creature that had seen Kaveh years ago and found it amusing to use his appearance.

Someone or something he didn't know could play with him by pretending to be Kaveh.

The very idea brought him back down to earth, made his blood boil and his mind clear. Even if that was the case, he had to go make sure they found out they couldn't use Kaveh against him.

He would have faced whoever it was.

However, as soon as he arrived and saw him, Mehrak resting beside him while he lay on bed.... His messy hair, his face flushed with his eyes closed and his brow furrowed....

He seemed to be in pain.

Alhaitham's chest tightened and his initial impulse disappeared. He turned to Candace, who in his haste had barely been able to lead the way, and didn't know what to say.

"Do you think it's Kaveh?" She asked then, watching the man shivering weakly under the sheets.

Alhaitham also looked back at him. It was unbelievable. He was just as he remembered him. The same hairstyle, the same features. As if not a day had passed. It was strange, but for some reason....

Alhaitham shook his head.

"I can't say for sure."

At that moment, as if his voice had triggered him, the man's eyes twitched and then opened. His eyes were narrowed as if the light was bothering him, but Alhaitham saw them.

There was no way he could not recognize them, even after a hundred years. They were his eyes, those of his Kaveh.

He took a reflexive step forward.

"H-Haitham?"

And the way he said it? He'd never heard Kaveh say his name like that. Like he craved for him, like he missed him too. But it just felt right.

He didn't think about it this time. He took the seat beside him as if it were the most natural thing in the world.

"It's me."

He didn't know what exactly to do, he just stood there.

"Don't... get angry."

Kaveh spoke slowly, it was obvious he was forcing himself to speak. It hurt Alhaitham. He hadn't even had time to think of anything else yet, but his Kaveh had always been quicker to anticipate criticism.

He almost wanted to snort, how could he not get angry?

He wanted to get up and leave until he was better. If he thought about it, he had no reason to stay with someone who had abandoned him (willingly?) for years.

"Don't go..."

And yet, when Kaveh reached out his hand to stop him, he stayed. Kaveh's hand between his was so small, so soft.

"Get some rest now, will you?"

Kaveh shook his head.

"But don't go."

After so long, he had forgotten how easy it was for Kaveh to get the best of him. As if just by appearing the whole world revolved around him, Alhaitham could never find a way to escape —and perhaps he didn't want to.

"I'll stay, so rest."

Apparently, that never changed.

-

Candace told him that a doctor saw Kaveh and it looked like he was passed out for a moment before they found him, he had a heat stroke. He must also have been exhausted, because the fever was high. Ultimately, he should recover well with the care left for him by the doctor, who would come see him again soon.

Apparently, she had only sent for Alhaitham, but they couldn't be sure that this guard would not tell anyone else. After all, Sumeru's most famous architect, who had disappeared years ago and the whole nation had searched for, suddenly returned. In any case, Alhaitham urged her to see to it that no one disturbed Kaveh while he was getting better, and settled himself at the bedside.

It was strange, having Kaveh again.

Kaveh was the type to ignore when he got sick until he was feeling so bad he couldn't even walk. It was one of the few times when, in his unconsciousness from the pain, he would allow himself to be selfish and would cling to Alhaitham and let him take care of him. Now it was just like then, as if time had never passed.

Alhaitham wanted to ask him what happened, why he left, why he came back. Why he held onto him and said his name softly, as if it meant something.

Kaveh could hardly answer in that state, so he waited. He gave him the medicine, wiped away his sweat, and read beside him to make sure he would be there when he woke up and looked for him in desperation.

And maybe he stayed because of himself, too.

Maybe he was afraid he would leave the same way he came, the same way he had twice before. Because maybe he had hurt him and it was all his fault, and Kaveh would hate him once again when he woke up. He would take it even if the world crumbled down when he had to let him go. He just wanted to know.

Soon, the day came when Alhaitham woke up and, as usual, placed his hand on Kaveh's forehead to check his temperature. His temperature seemed normal again, but ignoring that, Alhaitham noticed his senior shivering under his hand. His eyelashes quivered, but he didn't open his eyes. He pulled his hand away and looked at Kaveh with suspicion.

"Are you awake?"

Kaveh kept his eyes closed, and sighed as if half asleep then turned in bed, his back to him.

...Did he think he was dumb?

He remembered the way Kaveh would get embarrassed after he recovered and look for a way to escape from Alhaitham until he made his annoyance outweigh the embarrassment. Was that it? Did he want to escape again?

His chest tightened.

"Kaveh, I know you're awake. Are you going to ignore me after making me take care of you?"

Kaveh shrank back and then turned again, sitting up in bed. His crimson eyes opened, as if resigned, and met his. Now, clarity was obvious in them, and they made him tremble inside.

Excitement got into a fight with anger as he folded his arms. He waited as Kaveh opened his mouth and searched for the words.

"... Do you look different?" He asked at last.

Alhaitham simply looked at him. Wasn't it obvious that he was going to change if he didn't see him for years? Though he couldn't say the same for Kaveh, who had to change his question when he saw that he was refused an answer.

"Where are we?"

"In Aaru Village," he answered flatly.

Kaveh pursed his lips.

"I might have disturbed you all, I'm sorry."

If he hadn't been upset before, he definitely would have been annoyed with that pathetic attempt at an apology.

"If you had really cared about bothering others, you wouldn't have disappeared for years, don't you think?"

And Kaveh frowned. He became defensive as quickly as ever.

"It wasn't on purpose, you think I felt like almost dying in the desert?"

He pouted unconsciously, which made him look adorable when he got angry, as if he were the same Kaveh he knew. When Alhaitham's heart skipped, he repeated to himself that that Kaveh was gone years ago, but it didn't seem right.

"And it wasn't even that long, surely you barely noticed..."

He had no reason to look so stricken.

Alhaitham raised his eyebrows, and the foreboding was there.

"Your sense of time was already broken, but to say that years 'isn't that long' is too much, even for you."

Kaveh must have realized something was wrong too, because he pinned his gaze on him and held it, as if searching for a hidden meaning behind his words. There was no such thing, of course, he had always been as straightforward as he could be in his choice of words.

"What do you mean by 'years'?" His words came out slowly, his knuckles paling as he clutched the sheets tightly.

Realization fell over Alhaitham, accompanied by a shudder. He waited so long to know what had happened, but now that he was so close, he felt he didn't want to go on.

"How long do you think it's been, Kaveh?"

"I finished the project a week ago? Don't play games with me."

It made sense. The way Kaveh hadn't changed, the same eyes, the same hairstyle, the same hands... how he clung to him and how he spoke to him exactly as he had back then. How he thought he was like his Kaveh. Because he was.

For a moment, he didn't know whether to continue or not.

"How long has it been?"

But he would know sooner or later. And if someone had to tell him, who better than him?

"Kaveh." He held his gaze, even though his chest ached and the last thing he wanted was to see the emotions gather behind those eyes. "It's been twelve years."

Chapter Text

Kaveh didn't even know how he reacted at the time.

He thought something along the lines of 'like Madam Faruzan', but other than that, he couldn't remember much.

Perhaps because he felt too much in too little time, suddenly everything was blocked. He didn't know what to feel, or rather, he felt so much that he couldn't concentrate on it.

He spent the rest of his days in bed finishing the project he had left incomplete. He wondered how they finished it at the end. Without him, had they set aside the artistic side to focus simply on practicality? At least on paper, he could finish the idea.

It was insanely difficult to get through something like this without touching a drop of alcohol, but a certain someone refused to give him any drinks.

He spoke very little those days, as he settled on the idea, not even Alhaitham could get him to respond.

And regarding Alhaitham, Kaveh didn't understand. He may or may not have spent much time brooding over his (former?) roommate's behavior.

It has been 12 years, okay?

He couldn't understand why Alhaitham came to see him as soon as they found him, nor why he stayed by his side to care for him until he regained consciousness.

The day after they had their talk, Alhaitham didn't show up all day, and Kaveh thought 'oh, right. It's been a long time. He has his answers, he doesn't need me anymore.' He showed up again the next day and told him that he had decided to take his vacation. From then on, he didn't leave his side. He sat reading next to him while Kaveh completed his design. He made sure he ate and took his medicines.

Kaveh was grateful, he couldn't say he minded having Alhaitham there, but he didn't understand.

Alhaitham was Alhaitham. He had never paid much attention to what didn't interest him.

Kaveh had always thought inside that no one would remember him or what he stood for if he disappeared one day. That's why he liked the idea of leaving a building, forever eternal for people to see and understand him through these.

He thought, with fear, that Alhaitham would be among the first to forget him, because no matter how much he told him about the art of its architecture, Alhaitham didn't quite understand it.

No, now it was Kaveh who didn't understand.

Why did he come to his side after 12 years?

Did he feel sorry for him?

Kaveh remembered the last time he saw him and couldn't help but think that it was his own fault that he had fallen into that situation. Maybe if he hadn't been a coward, maybe if he hadn't run away at that moment, maybe if he had asked for an answer at that moment? After all, he only wanted to have sex with his roommate (nothing else, definitely nothing else!). They both were adults and they could agree or disagree on that and move on. It was too late now.

This Alhaitham was no longer the Alhaitham he knew, and if there ever was anything, it should have long ago ceased to exist.

At some point, Kaveh stared at him a little too long. He thought he wouldn't notice because he seemed to be reading intently.

"I prepared your room at home," Alhaitham said at last, without looking up.

Kaveh almost jumped on the spot when he heard it, and let out a "huh?" in reflex.

Alhaitham looked away from the book to speak to him.

"I assume you have no other place to stay, right? Then you can stay with me. The doctor said you could travel tomorrow."

He couldn't deny that. If he couldn't afford a place twelve years ago, he couldn't afford a place now.

It was much better than living on the street, if the awkwardness he felt before this Alhaitham didn't burn him alive. Besides...

"As soon as she finds out I'm back, I'm sure Dori will calculate my interest for all these years. Or will she have acquired a little compassion by now?" He sighed, and could almost see himself in debt for life.

Alhaitham pursed his lips and, to Kaveh's surprise, the sides of his face reddened a little.

"What's wrong?

He watched as Alhaitham cleared his throat before replying.

"You don't have to worry about that."

Kaveh: ??

"What do you mean?"

"Are you coming home?," Alhaitham threw a question back at him.

Kaveh folded his arms in a stubborn attitude.

"I asked first."

If he were his Alhaitham, he would have found a way to get past his question.

This Alhaitham, on the other hand, stared at him for a moment before sighing and replying.

"I paid your debt years ago."

Kaveh blinked.

"What, are you mocking me?"

His junior (could he still say he was his junior?) looked down.

"No way, it was so much mora. Why?"

"Now you don't have to worry about interest, do you?" And he had the nerve to say it as if it were the most logical thing in the world.

He may or may not have become stupefied.

"What if I didn't come back?"

"You came back."

"It wasn't your responsibility; you could have ended up paying it for no reason. What if I was already dead?"

And Alhaitham's expression when he looked at him was so serious, he shut his mouth.

"Don't say that."

Kaveh's heart hurt. Only then did it occur to him that everyone must have thought that was what happened. They had assumed it for years. Alhaitham was a realist, it was something he must have thought about, made up his mind around. The actual surprising thing was that he had come back. So why did Alhaitham seem affected? Was it his imagination?

He looked away.

"I have to pay you back."

There was silence in the room, and then....

"Stay home with me."

So, no, he didn't understand.

At the end he thanked those who took care of him, so especially the group that found him, and they started their way home.

He hadn't thought enough about what it would mean to the others to have someone 'come back from the dead' after so long. As soon as they set foot near the city, people began to crowd around them, excited to be the first to see the 'light of Kshahrewar'.There were even some children who, he realized, might not even know who he was.

Kaveh wasn't in the mood to see anyone, that was the truth, but he braced himself inwardly to smile and apologize for having to leave. He didn't notice Alhaitham's gaze as he unconsciously clutched the edge of his blouse.

"I'm tired," the silver-haired one announced to the people beginning to gather, "I'd appreciate it if you'd leave us alone."

Kaveh looked up at him, but he seemed as impassive as ever when talking to anyone else.

"Scribe, we just want to talk to Mr. Kaveh, so..." a man began to complain.

"What a pity." At that moment, he felt Alhaitham's arm around his shoulders, and a second later, he was pressed against him, and his soft scent was everywhere. "He happens to be talking to me. If he wants to discuss anything later, he'll have a talk. Now you can leave us alone."

Kaveh felt his face go up in flames from one second to the next and tried to pull away, but Alhaitham was holding him tightly enough that he couldn't pull away without actually hurting him. Just the perfect balance of a.... protective behavior?

The people, who were mostly students, were no fools. Not daring to question the scribe, they scattered instantly. He didn't even have time to apologize.

Only when they were all gone did Kaveh dare to speak.

"Can you let me go now?"

Alhaitham did not move. Instead, he stroked his shoulder gently with his thumb.

"I'm comfortable, you aren't?" A smirk slipped onto his lips, and Kaveh might as well have screamed at that moment.

Instead, he pushed him away and slipped out of his arms. He pouted.

"Don't play with me..."

"I wouldn't dare."

Alhaitham said it so earnestly, it almost made him angry. He couldn't stay melancholic for long, at least not when he was with him, so he decided to try to pull himself together.

-

Fear came over him again before he stepped through the door. He was happy to see the house after so long a trip, but that was from OUTSIDE. Even when he went out for a week, when he came back, he would find some hideous piece of furniture or decor that Alhaitham had bought.

If it had been twelve years.... It might as well be another house.

Alhaitham went in first and saw him panic with raised eyebrows.

"Are you coming in or not?," he asked at the end.

"I think I need to prepare myself mentally....."

A smile broke out on the silver-haired man's face.

"Just go in." His hand sought Kaveh's and, warm over his, tugged him to drag him inside.

One frightened glance and Kaveh found out that his panic was unfounded. Well, there were a few unsightly decorations and furniture around, but they weren't many more than he was used to encountering. There were also a hell of a lot more bookcases than before, but he still felt himself there. His house was still his house, all his furniture was in its place, and all his paintings decorated the walls.

Alhaitham released his hand so he could go to his room, which aside from having some new bookcases on the wall (did this man plan to buy all the books in Teyvat?), was just as he left it.

Kaveh went back to look for Alhaitham, confusion present on his face.

"I thought you would have thrown everything away by now, didn't you say my artistic sense was horrible?"

"Why would I throw it away? A great architect told me it looked good that way," he said as if it was the most logical thing in the world. Kaveh almost started trying to count the architects he knew who could convince Alhaitham when he kept talking, "I'm talking about you, of course."

Kaveh: ...

"I see you still like making fun of me."

"I never said I didn't like your art."

Kaveh's heart skipped. He calmed it at once, repeating to himself that he didn't mean it.

"What? So you like it?," he challenged him.

The last thing he expected was the sweet smile on Alhaitham's face as he looked at him softly and said:

"Yes, I like it."

Kaveh couldn't stop his insides from squirming and the heat began to rise to his face, no matter how much he screamed that it was a lie.

"I'm going to the tavern," he snapped, moving toward the door, but Alhaitham didn't get out of the way.

"Do you think they'll leave you alone if you come out now?"

Of course, he had forgotten about that, which only added to his embarrassment.

"Don't you have something to drink, then?"

"Water."

"You! See, you're making fun of me!" He pointed at Alhaitham. "I'm going to my room!"

So, he went to lock himself in only to feel stupid for having reacted like that when Alhaitham had been so.... kind? to invite him to his house, again.

Before he had been reluctant to believe that Alhaitham could do anything without asking for anything in return, but with this Alhaitham... he just didn't get it.

And it made him anxious not to know. He was supposed to know Alhaitham best, but he didn't know why he went looking for him, why he paid his debt, why he'd left everything just as he'd arranged it, why he responded so sincerely to his nonsense. Almost as if he liked him. Almost as if he had missed him.

He felt so different from his Alhaitham.

It must have been because of something else that Kaveh was not yet able to figure out.

To take his mind off what that man made him feel, he began to brood over what he had to do now to get his life back. That was worse. He didn't even know where to start. He'd probably have a thousand things to update himself with in the world of architecture —if things hadn't changed, he'd probably disagree with 90% of them anyway— and the very idea was already giving him too much anxiety.

He was pacing around the room when he came across the box with his mother's things. His heart clenched.

He had thought about his mother here and there more than he had thought about how to get his life back. He had forced himself to change the subject every time it came to his mind, but he couldn't ignore it forever.

Kaveh had always strived not to be a burden to his mother. She had suffered enough for a lifetime just with the death of his father, so he had always done everything he could to lighten her burden.

In the end, no matter how hard he tried, he had gone back to being a nuisance. Not only had he taken her husband from her, but her son as well.

And when he really thought about it, he felt it too. The despair she must have felt. Did she also feel guilty? Did she also think she could have done something if she had stayed?

He had no right to cause his mother pain when he was the one that had gotten himself into trouble.

After all this time, had she gotten over it?

He was selfish, because deep inside, the thought that his mother had forgotten him burned far more than her suffering because of him.

He wanted to see her, to tell her he was sorry, he wanted to cling to her like a child and have her tell him she forgave him.

But if she had already forgotten him... he couldn't make her suffer for him again. Let him worry about his stupid son who now had to find a place in the future.

More than ever, he missed her, and it hurt like hell.

-

He didn't know how long he lay on the floor, like a broken doll next to his mother's box. Apparently, it was a lot longer than he expected, because soon Alhaitham knocked on his door. He almost jumped on the spot, but to his surprise, Alhaitham did not open immediately.

"Kaveh, I made dinner," he announced from the other side of the door. "Are you coming?"

He summoned the energy to answer through the lump in his throat from who knows where.

"I'll eat later." He didn't feel right just saying that, after all, so he added, "Thank you."

There was silence behind the door and then footsteps moving away. And again he was alone.

Maybe he deserved to be alone. Maybe he should be alone. Maybe that trip was just a chance to get away from everyone else, to take the opportunity to stop hurting people with his stupidity. Maybe...

He couldn't follow that line of thought, because not a minute later the footsteps returned, and this time Alhaitham didn't ask. He entered the room balancing two bowls in one hand. He acted as if it was the most normal thing to do when he passed him one of the bowls and sat down next to him on the carpet.

Kaveh: ...

The bowls were full of soup. The warmth passing from the bowl to his hand was so sweet....

"What are you doing?," he ended up asking.

"I know you well enough to know how you like your soup," he explained quietly, twirling the spoon in his soup, "and that if you don't come to eat on time, chances are you'll skip your meal. You have to take care of yourself."

He didn't even know how to respond to that.

"You like soup now?"

"Not really."

Kaveh looked down at his soup. Did he do it for him? Because he wanted him to take care of himself? No.

He had always picked himself up, all too aware that no one would care how many times he fell. That he didn't deserve anyone to care. If he wanted to punish himself a little now, when everyone had already forgotten...

Who would care?

A hand reached for his and warm fingers intertwined with his. His eyes widened when he recognized Alhaitham. The man hadn't looked up, but his hand was on Kaveh's, with the same feeling of protectiveness as when he pulled him out of the crowd. He did not dare to move. A minute before, he wasn't there, but that hand brought him back.

"I was thinking of traveling to Fontaine. You're coming with me, aren't you?"

"I don't have any money."

"Obviously, I'll pay."

"I don't like to owe you things."

"You don't have to pay me back. I invited you."

And Kaveh fell silent again. Fingers began to slip from between his. He didn't think about it, he intertwined them tighter. Somehow, he always managed to be a little more selfish with Alhaitham. Even this Alhaitham. And he was always afraid that he would be reprimanded for that. He wasn't. Instead, the grip was reciprocated.

The warmth was so sweet, their joined hands brought such warmth to his heart....

He didn't deserve it.

"Is it really alright?" The words came out shyly through his trembling lips. "If I want to go see my mother, is that okay?"

Alhaitham didn't scold him, didn't tell him that he wished he even had the chance to see his parents. He didn't tell him that he was selfish for wanting to take part of his mother's happiness for himself either. No, on the contrary, he held him and let him cling to him as the tears began to fall at last. He stroked his hair and his back as if he were the most precious thing in the universe.

"It's all right. I'm here."

And it was so weird.

He wasn't his Alhaitham, because his Alhaitham would never have held him like this, as if he cared.

Chapter Text

It had not been on purpose. That is, Alhaitham had the intention of comforting Kaveh, but he didn't intend to hug and hold him, whispering sweet words to him until he grew tired of crying.

Once upon a time, Alhaitham had a plan.

He was a very patient man, even in the years when he couldn't see Kaveh, he still believed that he could find an opportunity to return to him. Being patient, he got Kaveh to stay in his house, to feel comfortable redesigning his home as he pleased, to ask him for things. Being patient, he noticed when his senior began to feel something else for him again, and was fine with waiting for him to realize.

Maybe a little too fine.

Now...

Kaveh vaguely explained to him that he fell into some kind of cell in some ruins, and apparently when he came out, he was already there. It wasn't hard to believe. Kaveh was the same as he was then, not a year older, not a year younger. Whatever he was afraid of, he forgot it when he understood that.

Kaveh had not left on purpose.

But he, as the person who understood Kaveh the most, knew what he would think.

'It's my fault.'

Being together with Kaveh was something he needed and was as natural to him as breathing. Those years were as if he had somehow held his breath, clinging to the memory of someone he refused to believe would never come back, because if he did, he would try to breathe and realize there would be no more air and nothing left. Nothing but an emptiness that he would somehow have to endure for the rest of his life.

Against all odds, Kaveh had returned, as well as the air, and he felt like someone who after almost drowning came to the surface. When the air was there all the time, you accept it and take it, but if you lose it for a moment, you desperately grab it again as if it were the most precious thing in the world. And it is.

He had gone so long without Kaveh that he wanted to embrace him and not let him go, wanted to release his feelings to him and have him accept them. Holding back from showering him with kisses until he forgot his pain was like fighting the world. But the world was inside his head and he ended up being brutally honest every time he opened his mouth.

Maybe he was tired. Maybe he had realized that his time was not infinite. Maybe time had only made his love for Kaveh grow so much that, now that he could give it to him, it overflowed.

Even if he wanted Kaveh to never run away again, he couldn't help it when he saw him suffer.

Once upon a time, Alhaitham had a plan. Now, he would need a new one.

-

Alhaitham had arranged the trip so they could leave as soon as possible, and had already sent a message to Kaveh's mother so she knew beforehand.

The next day, he didn't give Kaveh time to sink into the shame of collapsing with him. He cooked something and dragged him out to eat.

"Cyno and Tighnari wanted to see you," he told him as he nibbled the food. "I can call them today. Or I can tell them you'll see them later."

"Call them? Here?"

And there it was again, that look that he couldn't believe what he was hearing. Alhaitham thought he looked adorable, though it was at the same time a sign that he had to back off.

"They're my friends too, I have no problem with them coming to my house."

Usually, he didn't invite them home (they'd have that look when they saw the things Kaveh had left in place), but if it was for him, he could accept it.

"You're friends??"

Alhaitham rolled his eyes with amusement.

"Do you want to or not?"

A sad smile appeared on Kaveh's face.

"I don't think I can see them now, I'd rather after we return from Fontaine."

And since he knew Kaveh, he knew very well what that meant, but he said no more. He didn't want to pester him with too much information, and those two had too much to talk about with him.

Kaveh ate a little and then spoke again.

"Is it okay though? I don't have to register that I'm back or anything like that?"

"I'm the scribe, they just have to take my word for it. I asked them to wait."

"Hmm, so being the scribe is good for something."

In principle, no. Of course they questioned his judgment. At the time of his search, all of Sumeru, without exception, saw how much he cared about Kaveh. He understood that they thought he could drop objectivity when it came to Kaveh, but if he didn't know who Kaveh was, who else would? So it served that no one wanted to mess with him... and that he threatened to leave the scribe's post if they had so little confidence in his judgment.

"Are you sure you want to go?" Kaveh asked again, but his look said he wanted him to say yes. "It might be strange, since you don't like to socialize."

"I already know Faranak, it's no problem."

'Silly of you to assume I'd let you go alone.'

Kaveh lowered the piece of cutlery, and his face was a poem.

"What, you even call her by name now? What did I miss??"

The comment came out automatically, but Alhaitham saw when the reality of what he had said dawned on him and pursed his lips in a sad gesture.

"Yes, we're soul friends now," he said earnestly. "She told me a lot of embarrassing stories about you, something about you being a crybaby..."

"Now you're lying!" Kaveh complained, frowning as his cheeks tinged pink.

Good, he perked up again.

"Who knows?"

It was a lie, of course. They didn't have much time to talk those days. But if it would make Kaveh distracted...

His lips lifted slightly.

-

Alhaitham found the architecture of Fontaine as attractive as anywhere else. Which means, he'd look at the buildings and the shops and think they were amazing, but he'd soon forget that to go on about his business.

It was obvious that Kaveh didn't feel the same way.

Although he was nervous —and perhaps because he was nervous—, Kaveh went around saying how this or that was not there the last time he came, how x building was designed and how a certain invention they had made years ago, but which Kaveh didn't know of, was revolutionary (and it certainly was).

That, to Alhaitham, was far more interesting than ten thousand palaces.

The truth was that he had taken advantage of Kaveh's impulse to bring him there before he could overthink it again. Of course, such an impulse was not infinite, and he noticed how he began to hesitate with each thing he stopped at.

Alhaitham just followed him until he said it.

"What if she's busy? What if she's not home?"

'What if she doesn't want to see me?', was painted on his face.

"We can wait."

Kaveh looked at him skeptically.

"How long are your vacations again?"

"I can quit."

His mouth dropped. He immediately frowned again and pointed at him.

"You're kidding me! And don't quit, okay? What are you going to do if you run out of mora, with that lifestyle you like so much?"

Being a fool, Kaveh was worrying about him again.

His body was faster than he was. He broke the distance between them and his hand moved to his senior's cheek. It was then that he saw his face. As easy as ever, his cheeks had already taken on a soft pink hue. Though he furrowed his brows, the way his mouth opened slightly revealed that it took him by surprise.

Lowering his hand before it could brush Kaveh's skin and stepping back at that moment took more willpower than it should have.

He cleared his throat and looked away to disguise the way the sides of his cheeks had begun to heat as well.

"Yes, yes. There's still no one who can take my job away from me. I wouldn't let them do it either, who else would pay for your drinks?"

"D-don't talk as if you always pay for my drinks..."

And then, he didn't speak again.

Whenever Kaveh started to overthink, he had the urge to kiss him, to make him forget his worries in his arms. That added to the fact that he adored when Kaveh simply cared for him...

After all, it was too much.

He was a patient man, but so much restraint was going to blow his mind.

Chapter Text

"What?", he repeated to himself for the thousandth time in those days.

Alhaitham was definitely playing with him. Otherwise, why would he approach him like that, as if to kiss him, only to turn around and act as if nothing had happened? He couldn't even understand why he had taken him into his home after so long, again. Perhaps he had some strange fascination with teasing him? His reactions were that funny?

The thought brought him back to his days at the Akademiya, when Alhaitham was still shorter than him and was a thousand times more adorable. Back then, Alhaitham leaned against him casually, and loved to lie in his lap. Sometimes, he would come a little closer than usual —to make a point, of course— and way easier then, Kaveh couldn't help but blush. At those times, his junior would smile. One of the times when he asked him what he was laughing about, he replied "your reactions are interesting". And Kaveh's heart would skip with excitement.

Everything was different since their fall out. When Kaveh moved in with him, he couldn't help but see that soft smile and think that he was teasing him. That he was always overreacting, that Alhaitham thought he was emotional and stupid, and it amused him for some reason. It hurt.

And now...

As Kaveh remembered it, the last time they'd seen each other it had ended with him being rejected in the stupidest possible way. The shame was still crushing when he thought back to that moment. He thought he had destroyed most of that when he thought he was going to die and just wanted to go home, but it turns out it was too easy to go back to the old ways when your life wasn't threatened.

His heart wasn't going to take it.

If Alhaitham didn't stop, he was really going to go crazy.

Let alone ask him what he was thinking about...

Thank Archons, Kaveh didn't have much time to think about Alhaitham. Of course, it was because they arrived at his mother's house (so he wasn't quite sure which one was better).

His heart was going to pound out of his chest from the anxiety that encounter was causing him. The last time they had seen each other was when he attended his mother's wedding. Even for him, it had been a long time, and that only increased his empathy because for her it was much more time.

Would she recognize him, could he pretend to be a hint of who he was back then? It was that feeling that had stopped him from returning. So much has happened since then...

He hadn't stopped making himself a bigger and bigger mess. And now he was there again.

He still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do, that he wouldn't hurt his mother if he came back into her life. So he was terrified.

He almost turned around when they reached the door. He was going to play lost for a while longer, but Alhaitham had already approached the door and knocked confidently.

How did he even know which house it was?!

He listened to the ringing of something like a doorbell with his eyes wide with horror until he remembered that showing horror at seeing someone was impolite and that since he had made his mother suffer so much, he could at least force his expression into a neutral one.

Then she opened the door.

She had changed. Although her hair was as blond as his, she could not disguise the gray. His eyes were lined with many more wrinkles than before. At the sight of him, the woman who had given him life covered her mouth and her eyes filled with tears.

"Kaveh."

And he found he had missed her too much when he tried to force a smile and couldn't: his lips trembled visibly.

He managed to mumble something along the lines of 'mom' before she wrapped him in a hug. It was strange, it had been so long since he'd hugged her, but it also felt like home in the way he didn't deserve to experience. She was holding him so tightly, as if she was afraid he would disappear if she didn't. Kaveh held back tears and stroked her back as he used to do.

"I'm sorry, Mom," and his voice broke.

"I missed you so much," she whispered, like a secret between the two of them.

That left him on the verge of tears, but then she released him. Her eyes were red, but she had no tears, because they were both like that, and a sad smile was plastered on her face. She stroked his arms gently, and then turned to Alhaitham, to catch him in a short hug. Kaveh saw the way the man's eyes widened, but he did not push her away. She whispered something to him that sounded like 'you were right,' and after releasing him she pointed them to the door, where her husband waited.

"Shall we go in?"

-

By then it was almost time for dinner. Since they hadn't prepared anything yet, Kaveh offered to cook. He hadn't done it for several days already and was starting to feel useless, besides he didn't want to bother his mom, but she insisted, saying they were her guests, and her husband was kidnapped to help her.

For the wait, she even left Kaveh a few architecture books. In the end, he couldn't feel bad for long —let alone concentrate— with Alhaitham leaning over his shoulder to read along with him (too close!).

The meal was a simple soup (why did everyone want to make him soup?), but nostalgic in a way Kaveh hadn't expected. Even when they were still living together, Kaveh insisted on cooking (he didn't want to bother his mother who was already busy), so this meal brought back a memory from too many years ago, from those times where they were still a normal family. He may or may not have had to swallow the rest of the soup through a lump in his throat.

It was after eating that Vincent —his mother's husband— took Alhaitham somewhere to show him his 'humble' library, and Kaveh was left alone with his mother, separated not only by a table, but also by years.

"I'm sorry for coming so suddenly," he blurted out what he had been holding back all day.

His mother shook her head and moved her chair to sit in front of him. When Kaveh had her like that, he saw that her eyes were shining wet again, and his heart squeezed in his chest. She took his hands and stroked them gently.

"How could it be 'suddenly'? I dreamed about this moment for years."

That was all he wanted to hear, but their joined hands shook, and he didn't know if it was his mother or him.

"I'm sorry," and it hurt him to speak. "It's my fault."

When he spoke to Alhaitham about his time in the ruins for the first time, he left out certain details. He didn't tell him that he fell in the ruins because he was trying to help a desert fox, he didn't tell him that he was about to give up, and he evidently didn't tell him that it was thanks to him that he made it to the end. He wondered if Alhaitham noticed —he always seemed to know what he didn't say— though he made no comment.

This time, with his mother, he blurted out the whole story. Because she was like him, and maybe she would understand and maybe she would forgive him. Or maybe she wouldn't, and Kaveh would understand. She listened to him without saying a word, just holding his hands as if to tell him that they were there now, together.

When he fell silent, she smiled sadly.

"I'm glad you didn't give up. You don't have to apologize, my boy, it's not your fault. That's the way people like you are. But now... I'd like you to concentrate on being happy yourself."

"I'm sorry."

Things just got harder and harder.

"Did I tell you you're a lot like your dad?"

Once upon a time, Kaveh had heard that comment, and dyed his hair until his mother married again, hoping it wouldn't remind him of the painful past they were a part of. They had come so fast it hadn't occurred to him.

"I'm so sorry."

He kept repeating it because she didn't know what to say, and that was how he felt. He felt horribly guilty.

"You don't have to apologize, I always thought it was a shame you dyed your hair." She looked down, and her voice then broke his heart. "I'm sorry, you didn't even think of me when you were looking for reasons to go on."

"It's not that..."

"I tried to be a good mother to you, but it was always you who ended up taking care of me," Kaveh started to shake his head, but the words wouldn't come out. "I always wanted to talk to you more, but I thought I would bother you. You were doing so many things, I thought you wouldn't have time for your mother or something, and that maybe it was better for you. But after you disappeared, I wished I had bothered you a little more."

"I..."

He didn't know he was hurting her when he just wanted to do the same thing she did. Now he felt stupid for thinking his mother would consider him a bother, after all the effort she put into raising him. He only cared for her because he wanted to thank her —because he wanted to apologize—, but they both misunderstood.

He swallowed the apology that wanted to come back out of his lips.

"I wanted to talk to you too, I thought... I don't want to bother you with my problems," his voice broke at the end.

"We've done this for too long already, how about we try to change now?"

Kaveh nodded, and it hurt a little less now, though he still wanted to cry.

"How are you?," he asked.

"Very well now that I have my son with me," and the smile she made at that moment shone as bright as he remembered it did in some distant time, "and you?"

"I'm happy to see my mom."

It still hurt, but the smile Kaveh made at that moment was real.

-

For the rest of the night, his mother, who had quickly realized that he would need to update himself in architecture, lectured him on new technologies to consider and even made him a list of some books he could buy. Kaveh was a little overwhelmed before because he didn't know where to start, but with his mother's guidance, everything seemed a little less complicated and he was very grateful.

When they finally saw the time, it was late, so Kaveh and Alhaitham said their goodbyes to go to the hotel where they had already checked in before coming.

"You could have stayed here, we would prepare the guest room for you," said Vincent, and his mother agreed.

"No, no, it's fine. We prefer it this way," Kaveh repeated for the tenth time.

Alhaitham was special with his morning routine, and he didn't want to abuse their hospitality anymore! Really!

This time they had to accept it and said goodbye, promising to see each other the next day to walk around the city and have his mother show him some buildings.

As they walked, Kaveh noticed that Alhaitham was staring at him.

"What?" He asked, fixing his hair a bit for fear that it looked weird.

"You look happy," he said it as he always said things, as a matter of fact, serious and without any noticeable expressions.

"What's up with that?"

There, a smile crept slyly on his face, one of those only Kaveh could appreciate.

"I'm glad."

If that wasn't a direct blow to his heart...

Kaveh looked away to hide the blush. He had to stop being so obvious with his reactions if he wanted him to stop doing that. He was quick to change the subject.

"Did you get along with Vincent?"

"He wasn't that bad."

"Wow, that's almost a compliment from Mr. High Standards." Well, he could have said it like that, but he was really glad. "Still, you don't have to come if you don't want to."

"I do," he cut him off immediately.

And when Kaveh sought his gaze, he found it in his eyes that he was serious. He didn't dare ask, but Alhaitham answered anyway.

"I want to meet your family."

He changed the subject again somehow, but in his head that sentence kept replaying and he wondered 'why?!'

Why would the scribe, a Haravatat student, use those words to say that he had liked his parents? 'Your family.' Highlight the 'your' part. As if he wanted to meet them because they are Kaveh's family, and not because of anything else. Why would he want to meet his family?

And he had also stayed past his bedtime to 'meet his family'.

Simply impossible to work out.

When they arrived at the hotel, he was faced with another dilemma.

Arriving in the evening, they only left their things at the front desk and took the key with them, they never got to see the room —they only asked for a room because Kaveh wanted to pay Alhaitham back sometime and he didn't want them to spend more than necessary. So now, late at night, they found out that, instead of the two separate beds they asked for, there was a twin bed.

Alhaitham must have noticed his panic, because he said:

"I'll ask that they change our room tomorrow, you can sleep in the bed."

That was a thousand times worse.

"No!," he hastened to shake his head. "You paid for it. You sleep in the bed, I can sleep on the couch."

"You said you were going to pay me back, so it's like you paid for it yourself. You'll sleep in the bed. Are you planning on going around town sore from sleeping on the couch?"

"Didn't you say you were coming too? I'm used to it..."

Not from sleeping on the couch, but from the architect's back pain, of course.

"I'll only sleep on the bed if you don't sleep on the couch."

Damn, he was always so childish when it came to Kaveh!

"And where am I supposed to sleep then, on the floor?," he complained.

Alhaitham gestured with his head pointing to the bed.

"We can sleep together."

"What?!"

He raised his voice without thinking because what was that choice of words!!!, and had to cover his mouth for fear of the noise before remembering that the walls seemed insulated enough that no one would notice if certain someones were sleeping together. Thanks to the architects who designed that hotel.

Alhaitham raised his eyebrows.

"Do you want me to repeat it?"

"Don't repeat that!"

I mean, he knew he hadn't said it that way, but.... He hoped he hadn't blushed.

"Let's use the bed and change rooms tomorrow. I don't think it's that bad to sleep with me."

Then, he noticed Alhaitham's little hint of a smirk and wanted so badly to smack him. But he remembered that he was supposed to stop entertaining him with his reactions and used all his strength to flatten his expression.

"Alright. Since you want it so badly, I'll sleep with you."

Alhaitham's expression at that moment was a poem —if he compared it to other people, the way he raised his eyebrows and his eyes widened just a little more was nothing, but since it was Alhaitham...— and maybe Kaveh understood why someone would like to annoy the person they liked. Soon he flattened his expression too.

"Are you sure?"

"Sure. But take a bath first."

"Okay."

"Okay."

As soon as Alhaitham entered the bathroom, Kaveh had to squat down and put his hands on his head to shout silently.

It was just a joke! A joke! So why was he hard?!

Luckily, by the time Alhaitham came out he had managed to control himself a bit and the ensuing shower helped him cool down, though not enough.

He dawdled a bit with something Alhaitham said was a hair dryer, and when he came out, the other man was already lying down to sleep. Literal sleep. Kaveh lay with his back to him, and he couldn't help but feel a little disappointed that it was all just a joke.

But it was. As much as he liked to tease him, especially since he wanted to tease him, Alhaitham would never seriously offer him something like that. He was left only to settle for the trace of his warmth inches away and sleep.

-

The next day, he fooled around as best he could until they went out to stroll around with his mother and Vincent.

At least then he could distract himself on something that interested him. Actually, after what they talked about he didn't feel like he had to fake happiness in those moments when his mom was guiding him through the architecture of the last few years.

So, after they parted beds, Kaveh found that the next few days weren't so bad —leaving aside the feeling that sought to creep into his mind that the longer he stayed, the more he would be taking up his mom's time that she could use on something more interesting (it was hard to get rid of that one) and the more he would be owing Alhaitham (objectively true).

A couple of days later, Alhaitham was returning from shopping with Vincent when something curious happened again.

"Hello," said Alhaitham, addressing him.

And Kaveh already thought that was odd. Usually, Alhaitham didn't bother to greet him, he just assumed they were already there or started the conversation with some topic of his interest. So, he looked up and suddenly his vision was invaded by Alhaitham, who leaned towards him and quickly let their cheeks brush, which ended in a kiss too close to his neck. The heat of Alhaitham's face hit him along with his fresh scent and he shivered, his mind going blank as the man did the same on the other side of his face. And when he broke away, well... Kaveh's face was a big red question mark.

"What are you...?"

But the silver-haired man had already moved to go do something similar with his mother, though with her he was quicker and didn't stop to give her a damn kiss. She, unlike Kaveh, took it normally, aside from a small smile that she was quick to cover. Only then did Alhaitham confront him.

"Didn't you say once that I have to follow the traditions of others? Greeting with a kiss is common in Fontaine," he said so calmly.

Kaveh was about to jump, but there were his mother and Vincent, giving each other looks, and he was supposed to be a full grown adult! He had no reason to go crazy over a kiss on the cheek like a schoolgirl!

"Of course. That's normal."

But why did he have to choose that tradition?!

That led to how the rest of the days he had to put up with Alhaitham who, after Kaveh's 'agreement', every time he spent some time away from him, greeted him by stretching his kisses unnecessarily.

One of these times when Alhaitham left to go about his business after leaving him frustrated, Kaveh muttered to himself:

"He's just messing with me."

It came out a little louder than he intended, because his mother heard him and laughed.

"You think so?"

"Of course! You see, he's not as serene as he seems with you two, okay? It's weird because he never cares for anyone to like him, but he seems to with you, you know? Actually..."

And he went off on how Alhaitham loved to pick on him, argue, didn't understand art at all and how he thought he was too emotional. He also took it upon himself to complain about how he had changed, but he didn't want his mother to get a really bad impression of Alhaitham, he also mentioned everything he was doing for him again. And to explain where that 'again' was coming from, he ended up inadvertently telling her, as if it was known information, about their relationship as roommates.

"You were roommates before?," his mom asked in surprise.

Kaveh paused, wondering if he had said too much. He really thought Alhaitham would have told everyone back then when he disappeared since he never cared that much to hide it. At the end, he could only nod.

"Yes, I had some debts," he admitted sheepishly, and tried to downplay it immediately, "but it wasn't much. Haitham was just doing me a favor while I got money to build me a mansion."

Which was odd in itself, because they'd gone years without talking before that —because of him, of course— and suddenly Alhaitham was offering him space in his house without asking for anything in return. He didn't want to delve into that anymore, so he kept it to himself.

His mother also didn't comment on the debt or how he even had debts after selling the house, instead she hummed and then smiled.

"Did you manage to open my diary? Oh, if you tried to open it, of course."

The mention of the diary confused him. Okay, he remembered that diary, though since he had moved in with Alhaitham he hadn't tried to open it again. It wasn't that he didn't want to, it was just that no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't figure out the password.

"I tried, but...." He left the sentence hanging with some embarrassment. Was he supposed to have been able to do it by now?

"Well," his mother's eyes moved to some point behind Kaveh, a knowing smile on her lips, "you're closer than you think."

He turned around and saw Alhaitham approaching. Thank all that is good, he didn't try to kiss him because they were both in the same house.

"We made dinner," he announced.

They went to eat.

Later, in his own bed, Kaveh continued to brood over their conversation, wondering how Alhaitham could be related to his mother's diary.

The most obvious thing could be feelings. Many times he believed that Alhaitham hated him, but the password could not be something like that, rather.... For Alhaitham he felt gratitude, attraction, appreciation, stability accompanied by an incredible fear of ruining everything and it being over forever... he was the only one who stayed even when seeing the worst of him —no matter how many years passed. And that's why he couldn't stop relying on him.

He rolled around on the bed because he was selfish. Because Alhaitham gave him so much and he still wanted more. He still wanted him to crawl into his bed, hold him and tell him that he also wanted to possess his body and soul. But never his heart for he daren't give it away again.

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

Archons, he needed a drink.  

Chapter Text

Alhaitham had already been asleep for a while when he was awakened by the sound of Kaveh moving around in the room.

He sat up in bed to get a good look at Kaveh, who was in street clothes again, rummaging through his own clothes as if looking for something. At... midnight, according to the clock in the room.

"What are you doing?," he asked.

The older man visibly shuddered and turned to him nervously, like a child caught red-handed. Theoretically, he could look through his things for whatever he wanted, he wouldn't have to feel guilty, so...

"I was just... looking for some mora."

"At midnight." Kaveh nodded. "For...?"

"Well, you never know when you'll need mora."

Alhaitham: ...

Kaveh didn't like to lie and therefore wasn't very good at it. At least to Alhaitham. When it came to him, his smile got a little nervous twitch, perhaps because he knew he couldn't lie to him, and he ended up giving himself away much easier.

"You wanted to go drinking," he said.

The hotel had a tavern that closed at two o'clock, and he'd already seen his senior take a peek at it at some point.

Kaveh sighed and held up his hands, where he already had a small bag of coins.

"Whatever, I'm just going to drink for a bit and come back. You can go back to sleep."

Alhaitham pulled the sheets off himself.

"I'm interested in trying Fontaine's drinks."

And Kaveh looked at him as if he'd said he wanted to eat slime, because it was midnight and he'd hardly slept at all. He ignored him and went to get dressed.

He was indeed a little sleepy, but he knew his roommate. That man had a bad habit of drinking to drown his sorrows. He had no idea what could have made him want to get up to drink at midnight, but he wasn't going to leave him alone.

-

At first, Kaveh seemed nervous, and Alhaitham came to wonder if he was the problem.

Maybe greeting him with a kiss on the cheek had been too much for him —when he did he thought.... well, he didn't think at all. He just wanted to kiss Kaveh—. And he'd been noticing for days his senior tried his hardest to hold back his expressions when he teased him... which only made him want to tease him more, to see how much he'd put up with.

He just loved everything about him. After waiting so long, it was hard for him to be so close and not bury himself in his arms knowing all too well that Kaveh wanted the same.

He thought if he drank, he could quell that longing a little, so he bought a few drinks for the two of them.

He was too wrong.

After a few drinks, he could only look at Kaveh and marvel at how charming he looked with the slightly flushed face from the alcohol, the scowling pout that made his cheeks stand out, and even how he would complain to his face about how he was inconsiderate, then throw philosophical questions about love and life at him. And if Kaveh wanted to go on a more depressing tangent, he'd just give him a few kisses on the cheek, watch him get frustrated, and blame it on alcohol. No matter how many years passed, to him he would always be the most beautiful person who ever existed.

"I'm sorry," Kaveh muttered pitifully as he was helping him walk straight back to the room.

At the time, he would have changed the world if he knew that that way he could have Kaveh back, how could it bother him to take care of him for a moment?

What was really getting to him was that he could still smell Kaveh under the alcohol and they were so close that their warmth was all he could think about.

A moment later, Alhaitham was lowering him onto his bed. After taking off his shoes, he set about helping Kaveh, who was lying down, to take off his own with difficulty, and he repeated 'I'm sorry' once more.

"Don't be."

A tug on his arm made him almost lose his balance, and as he looked at him, his senior made wet puppy dog eyes at him.

"Don't tell me that. Just take them."

Something told him he shouldn't, but he let himself get on the bed anyway, and another, much more convincing side told him the only way to do it was on top of Kaveh.

The truth was, it felt right, the way their bodies connected through their crotches, how they settled to fit in the same space. The warmth that flowed between them. It felt natural.

And Kaveh's ruby eyes looked at him with surprise, fear, anticipation. In that instant, it was just the two of them. It would be so easy. If he leaned a little closer, he would reach the lips he had dreamed of so many times.

Instead, he whispered:

"I don't want to."

I don't want your apologies, I don't need them.

But the words fell short, and he saw the pain in Kaveh before he felt him trying to push him away without much result.

"Why are you doing this to me?" He was in pain.

Kaveh, who knew him better than anyone else in the world, was blinded by his own pain. It was his fault, because he had rejected him. He had been afraid that Kaveh wouldn't accept that he loved him if he let himself go at that moment, just before he disappeared, and he would leave him and that would be it. But he left anyway. Now that he had him back, he didn't want to let him go. Kaveh couldn't see how Alhaitham looked at him, how much he wanted him. It ached because it was his fault.

"You don't understand."

"I understand," his sweet eyes were shining now, "that you don't love me, but you keep doing this to spite me. Why...?"

'Why don't you love me?' The question was so clear on his face and Alhaitham did not know what to say.

So, he said nothing. As he imagined a few days ago, when they played dirty talk and Alhaitham masturbated in the shower and then lay next to Kaveh enduring the unbearable distance...

He leaned down and gently brushed their foreheads. So close, their breaths mingled. They smelled of alcohol and everything was hot, but he loved it. He closed his eyes, and once again he was afraid of what he would say. Afraid that he would scare Kaveh and lose him again. But he had to say it. He was tired of pretending he didn't feel what he felt and didn't want what he longed for with all his soul. If this way he could share even a little of what he felt with Kaveh, then...

"I want you," he whispered the open secret that only Kaveh was unaware of.

The man beneath him held his breath and the world stopped for a moment. Then, he made it move again with two words from his lips:

"Prove it."

Chapter Text

Kaveh didn't know if he said it or thought it until their mouths met. The sweet taste of cocktails was still on his lips and he could almost taste it through Alhaitham's gentle brush. That's what it was: soft, docile, calm, as if they had all the time in the world. He couldn't take it.

He needed more.

Kaveh held Alhaitham by his shirt and pulled him closer, tighter. He bit, fought and provoked him to speed up, to treat him rough. There was a moment of doubt before they became a mess of kisses, saliva and tongue. He wasn't sure how to do it, so he just let Alhaitham do whatever he wanted. Their minds were blurred by the alcohol but it felt insanely good. He just knew he would have loved it no matter what.

He moaned when Alhaitham's hands moved down his back, and then he was getting in between Kaveh's legs, so he wrapped his legs around his junior's waist. He could feel it through their clothes, the way Alhaitham's pants tightened around his crotch. And so, he believed him.

Alhaitham wanted him.

At least now, at least when drunk.

If Kaveh did well enough... could he keep him for a little longer?

He shily got his hands under Alhaitham’s shirt. When his junior didn’t say anything, his shame evaporated and he brazenly spread them over his biceps, which were just as firm and strong as he imagined (he had no business being this built ever, okay?!).

When Alhaitham's lips left his, a thread of saliva still connected them, but Kaveh felt the charm break like it would all end there and it was just a lapsus in judgment. However, he simply moved and followed the shape of his jaw down to his throat, so the world kept moving and the fire kept burning. He left traces that tingled and blazed him, which made it extremely agonizing to stop the moans.

Yet, free from Kaveh's passion, he was so fucking gentle it hurt.

He would have loved it if Alhaitham's fire burned him to ashes. He would have loved it if Alhaitham broke him down to pieces. But he wouldn't stand being treated like glass.

He said he wanted him, he only wanted him, why not just take him?

"What are you so slow about?,” he complained through gritted teeth.

Alhaitham didn't listen to him and slowly moved to his bare chest, leaving kisses on the center, just above his heart which was beating like crazy.

"I want you to touch me," he finally begged, drowning in the despair of those soothing touches.

Just then did Alhaitham spare him. As he straightened, his face was painted with a shade of pink that Kaveh had never seen in him before. So unlike himself, he was slightly panting and tried to catch his breath again. It came to Kaveh's mind that he looked the best like this, when he was the sincerest and they were both feeling the same. Even if it was only the arousal.

Alhaitham brushed past his thighs and carefully helped him out of his pants.

Why, why, why. Why didn’t he just pull his pants off and feast on him like that’s the only thing he wanted? Not this, not like he cared.

He felt sick.

Kaveh forced himself to sit and tear Alhaitham's pants off, revealing his lewdly wet underwear. And he realized by the time he took Alhaitham's length out of his underwear that he was huge, already hard just by playing with him. It was more than capable of spreading him open in ways he could only dream his fingers did every time he masturbated thinking about this. It throbbed and it was slippery in his hand. For him. If he couldn't take it... no, he had to take it, for Alhaitham. So he wouldn't regret it and hate this and hate him.

Besides, he wanted it too. He wanted it to hurt and to break him... didn't he?

He drooled just at the thought of taking Alhaitham, and even if he couldn’t take it with his ass, he could still do him a favor, right?

When he was putting his hair behind his ear, about to lean over, he was stopped by Alhaitham and dragged onto his lap.

“What—”

Then Alhaitham slipped Kaveh's cock out of his underwear and he wasn’t even half hard, even after everything Alhaitham did for him and even if it felt good. That’s when the overthinking really hit him. He instantly regretted all the alcohol he drank, afraid Alhaitham would pull back thinking he wasn't interested, or he would give up on pleasing him and he said he wanted it to hurt but he also craved feeling good with Alhaitham. Then he would be depressed no matter whichever option he chose because he was an indecisive bitch.

However.

"Tell me if it hurts."

Alhaitham started rubbing their dicks together, slowly and accurately. Even if Kaveh’s wasn’t actually small either, he had nothing to compete against Alhaitham’s. The difference was even more so when his junior’s big hand could easily wrap around his whole cock, touching him so well. It didn't hurt. It was the thought that he put into it that made it painfully arousing.

Kaveh held onto Alhaitham's shoulders to stay in place, nails digging into his skin as his teeth bit on his lips not to moan. He still felt himself twitch and held his breath, too scared to break the pace if he moaned a bit too loud. Alhaitham realized, of course, and he just leaned on his neck to whisper, hot breath against his sensitive skin, ever so deep:

"Don't hold back, I want to listen to you."

Why did he have to say that? His mind was blurry enough to believe him.

He let out a moan the next time Alhaitham's finger brushed past his tip and he definitely noticed, because he started playing around it deliberately. Alhaitham groaned too, as breathless as him, yet his touch wasn’t any less precise as Kaveh’s cock became harder and grew, their precum mixing.

"Faster," Kaveh begged.

Alhaitham shook his head and looked for Kaveh's lips. Their breaths met and they could only barely explore each other's mouths with their bodies trembling with desire, but they insisted on trying.

However, something in the way Alhaitham would keep looking for Kaveh's pleasure...

He wanted to be devoured, he didn't deserve to be treated this gently.

Kaveh kept a hand on Alhaitham's shoulder and used the other to grab their cocks together, along with his junior’s hand, and made him go faster, rough. They gasped and they couldn’t keep kissing but they forced their mouths together. It was then that.

Alhaitham moaned over his lips.

"Kaveh."

His name left his roommate's mouth in a single breath. The next second, he was shuddering, leaning his head on Kaveh’s shoulder. He felt in his hand and his cock the load being shot out of Alhaitham's throbbing dick.

"Oh."

So that’s why he didn’t want to go faster.

Fuck, that’s hot.

And he was slowing down his hand unconsciously when Alhaitham found it in himself to intertwine their fingers and didn't allow him to stop until his cum stopped dripping out and both their hands were sticky.

Kaveh thought it was over this time, though he was still hard. Of course, it wasn't, because Alhaitham just kept indulging him that night. He only released his hand to get his grip around Kaveh's erection and start moving again. And this time it was all focused on him. He gasped as his junior pressed on just the right spots, quick to learn.

"You don't have to," he managed to take out from between his gritted teeth.

“I like it.” Alhaitham’s eyes were on his, shining with lust for him. “I like you.”

Kaveh held his breath, he wouldn't accept it. Alhaitham didn't like him. Alhaitham couldn't like him. He... He twitched when his junior’s hand once again sent shivers down his back. But he didn't feel anywhere near coming, it was maddening.

"I can't."

And he wanted to cry because he was making it hard for both of them and Alhaitham was done but he was still trying for him and he couldn't cum because he was drunk, Alhaitham's tenderness was just too much and he was sad because he finally got what he wanted but didn’t feel as fulfilled as he thought he would and he couldn’t figure out why.

"I can't," and the pain escaped through his words and he couldn't help but shed a tear.

Alhaitham's touch was so kind when he cleaned it and caressed his cheek. Then he got to his mouth again and kissed him unhurriedly like to say it was okay.

It wasn't okay.

Alhaitham pressed down on him and laid him back on the bed without stopping touching him, and when he broke the kiss this time, it was to move down to his crotch. He pulled Kaveh so he would lie at the edge of the bed and got on his knees.

"You don't have to," he quickly said when he realized what Alhaitham wanted to do.

But his dick was twitching in anticipation and his heart was dancing and Alhaitham was incredibly handsome when moving his hair aside, showing the blush on his cheeks when leaning over his dick.

"I want to." He was clear this time.

He didn't hesitate, and Kaveh was wondering if he did it before. Then he took on the tip and licked it, breaking him apart. He thought at least this way Alhaitham wouldn’t be able to keep saying beautiful things that weren’t true. He was wrong.

"You're beautiful," he said against his dick, and his hot breath against him made all his hair stand straight.

All while those alluring teal eyes were only on him.

"Shut up."

And he let his cheeks caress the dick and licked it from the side just to look up to Kaveh, to taunt him into saying otherwise.

"I love your art."

"Shut up."

"But it will never be half as stunning as you," and he jerked him off as he left kisses on his cock, painfully hard for his words.

"Shut up."

He didn't mention the ‘buts’, yet Kaveh could imagine them. And it all stirred a feeling deep in his heart.

"I love..."

He was over his dick this time and Kaveh couldn't take it anymore, grabbed his hair and pulled him down his cock just to shut him up. He couldn't see Alhaitham's expression from that position, he didn’t know if he was surprised or disgusted, but he didn't stop it this time. His junior allowed Kaveh to keep him down and held onto his thighs strongly, his fingers pressing on him and it was so fucking hot. He could have closed his eyes and imagined he was fucking his ass but he didn't need to. Alhaitham's hair that brushed his skin, his eyebrows furrowed in concentration, his red earlobes. He wasn't the best at it, but Alhaitham was trying so hard for him and the heat must have finally gotten to his brain because he loved it.

No thoughts, just the feeling of Alhaitham's mouth on him and his hips twerking to go deeper inside. Fuck, even the occasional gagging sounds were getting the best of him. He might have moaned a bit too loud but it didn't matter then. Alhaitham didn’t ignore it this time, he went faster, playing around with his tongue.

At that moment, Kaveh dared move his hair from his face and Alhaitham moved to look up with his dick in his mouth, teary, lustful eyes, and red cheeks. If that wasn't the most arousing thing Kaveh has ever seen.

It happened then, no warning, he jerked his head back and his back arched as his whole body writhed, coming into Alhaitham's mouth.

The clarity got him soon enough and he looked down at Alhaitham, who had stood up and was opening his mouth as if unsure of what to do, the white liquid visible on his tongue. When his eyes met Kaveh's, he closed his mouth and the senior could see clearly how he swallowed and then licked his lips.

And Kaveh couldn't tell if that horrified him or excited him. If he had been less drunk he definitely would have gotten hard again just for that alone, but since he wasn't...

"What are you doing?!"

A smirk was painted on Alhaitham's face.

"Prove it for you. It's salty, unlike you."

Kaveh had no idea what he meant by that, but he felt like hitting him with a pillow or something. However, now that he was done, sleep crushed on him like a piano and instead of a response to his provocation, a yawn came out of him. That's when he noticed that Alhaitham was also blinking slowly, and remembered that it was well into the man's bedtime.

And he was still a little groggy because after Alhaitham brought handkerchiefs and cleaned them, he reflexively held out his arms to him as if to invite him to get between them. And his junior must not have been any better, because he said nothing, just settled back on the bed and into Kaveh's arms even though they were both sweaty and reeked of sex.

"Shower...?" Alhaitham murmured, wrapping his arms around him and entwining with him, too lazy to say more than one word.

"Sleepy," Kaveh replied in kind, letting himself be absorbed by his warmth and crawling between his legs to reciprocate the embrace.

Then, Alhaitham grabbed the quilt and pulled it over them both. Wrapped in each other, they closed their eyes and fell asleep.

Chapter Text

When he woke up, still with his eyes closed, and really noticed the warm arms still around him, the smell of Alhaitham everywhere, and the memories became more and more vivid in his mind, the first thing that came to his mind was 'fuck', as in 'I have to fuck off'. But he couldn't do that, of course, because he was trapped in an embrace with the person he wanted to escape from, legs entwined and buried in his chest. If he moved, he was certain to wake him up.

He'd never thought anything like that before, but being like this with Alhaitham, he had to hold his breath lest the smell of sex bring him back to the way they'd touched each other or how his junior went out of his way to make him feel good, only for Kaveh to end up fucking his mouth without thinking about whether the other would like it or not.

No, it was too much after all.

What if Alhaitham woke up and told him it was a mistake? That they wouldn't be able to sleep like this again, nor would he surrender a shred of his warmth to him. The thought cut his breath away.

It shouldn't be like this, he shouldn't feel like this. He should be satisfied with that one time and agree to let him go. But no. He wanted to cling to him tighter and beg him not to regret it. He didn't. Instead, he pushed him slightly, trying to slip away without him noticing.

Too bad.

Alhaitham really was a light sleeper. Eyes closed, he grunted and gripped Kaveh tighter, hooking his legs around his waist, his hands roaming up and down his back to accommodate him in his hold. And now he was much more imprisoned than before. Through his clothes, he could clearly feel the outline of Alhaitham's body on his. And that man had not yet put on underwear. He held him so tightly, as if he wanted to have him whole to himself...

Kaveh knew him and was sure he was already awake, he just, as always, loved to play the wayward child when it came to him.

"Haitham, let me go," he complained, trying to put his arm between them both for leverage, but there was no use.

Alhaitham growled again and, without another warning, turned and trapped Kaveh underneath him. At that point, he didn't know whether to laugh or cry, forgetting that he wanted to leave without his junior noticing.

"Heavy!," he blurted out as best he could.

Only then Alhaitham snorted and raised himself on his elbows, giving him room to breathe. He finally opened his eyes and the teal irises he was confronted with looked at him with a tinge of fear he hadn't expected. His heart, if it wasn't already giving him away, now pounded harder at the sight of his roommate. What could frighten him that wouldn't cause Kaveh to panic? Despite that, Alhaitham didn't let it go.

He hesitated for a second and then said:

"Good morning."

His voice was kind of hoarse, which led Kaveh's mind back to how his mouth felt around his dick last night, wet, tight, mind-numbing.

And Kaveh didn't know what to make of that.

"Can you get off?"

Again that glint of fear in his eyes.

"I don't want to."

And as if to prove it, he pressed harder, which only contributed to Kaveh's sharp sensation of the shape of his obscenely trained body and his crotch that, shit. He'd already thought it was big the night before, but his mind hadn't fully processed it until he was sober and squashed beneath him. And his mind was such a mess that he didn't move again because he was afraid he'd let out an indecent sound if he rubbed it too much. That could already be considered a kind of torture, to force him to endure something he could never have the way he wanted it...

And how did he want it?

Kaveh inhaled and exhaled before speaking again.

"I want breakfast."

Alhaitham frowned and pursed his lips slightly, as he did when he was disappointed, and Kaveh's heart froze.

Only then did it occur to him that Alhaitham might want to... do it again? Maybe he liked it. Maybe he thought it was okay to do it with Kaveh (because ultimately he couldn't think Kaveh was good at it, he'd hardly done anything!). Maybe he meant it when he said he wanted him, maybe... maybe... maybe they could have that and it was supposed to be okay because that's what he wanted and nothing else.

The gears moved at full speed and made his head hurt, but at least he could test the theory?

"Do you want to...?"

"Okay," Alhaitham replied at the same time, and was already getting up, but not before planting a kiss on Kaveh's lips.

The poor guy blinked in confusion. No, what was that for? I mean, they had kissed that night, but a full-fledged kiss in the heat of the moment was nothing like a brush of lips waking up in the morning after cuddling all night. It made his heart beat twenty times faster too.

Alhaitham sat on the bed with his feet on the floor, giving him a full view of his back covered by the T-shirt that was carelessly lifted just inches above his underwear and provoking Kaveh to reach in like a man from the past uncovering a heel. Overwhelming.

It shouldn't be. After relieving the crushing sexual tension, he should have been content with it and come full circle so as not to bother with Alhaitham again. He especially shouldn't think about offering to do it again. Since they were adults, he should be able to deal perfectly well with the situation.

No matter how much he kept repeating to himself that it was because they hadn't done it all the way, the horrible revelation that it wasn't just that kept brewing in his mind.

The man who was destroying his psyche looked back at him and asked so calmly:

"Is something wrong?"

How was he supposed to tell him now?

He shook his head.

"Then you'll be able to get up I guess, or do you want me to carry you?"

"Make breakfast first!" His voice may or may not have come out more shrill than he intended as he squeezed his legs against himself.

"Mmn."

Alhaitham actually got up to make breakfast, not bothering to put on a pair of pants (though thanks to the Archons he did put on underwear) and with a little smile at the corner of his lips that didn't help Kaveh concentrate on the mental math he started to finish his morning problem.

And Kaveh wished Alhaitham hadn't because he just wanted to eat something from the hotel without having to think about how domestic it was to get up after sex and have breakfast made for him. So different from them.

So they sat at the table eating breakfast pretending they didn't reek of the remnants of the night before. At some point, their legs brushed and just that, just that touch, made his heart stop for a second. He could have blamed it on anything, as in how alert he was to his surroundings, but the revelation had been simmering for so long that at this point it was already burnt out. He looked up just long enough to see Alhaitham's profile, his almost imperceptible nerves marked in the tension of his jaw, and their eyes met for a second as he brushed against his legs again. Intentionally. And that was it. The sign appeared bright in his mind, but not static, but as one coming at full speed ready to take him out for sure.

'BREAKING NEWS (but not really)!

YOU'RE IN LOVE WITH ALHAITHAM. Again.'

The chair shrieked as it was dragged across the floor suddenly, and the cutlery clattered against the table as he let it go. Even Alhaitham hesitated and tried to meet his gaze, but Kaveh dodged it.

"I'm going to bathe."

He was still a coward after all.

-

Instead of wondering how it began again, it was more profitable for him to admit that it never really ended.

As for how it started...

The first revelation was just as (un)amusing as this one.

At that point, Kaveh had already been considering Alhaitham his best friend for a while, no questions asked, so he invited him to his house to study. He was beginning to entertain the idea of doing his thesis with Alhaitham, so before asking him, he wanted to show him a bit of his skills. Not that his junior had expressed any doubts about his abilities, but in short, he wanted to impress him a little.

Kaveh spent a while trying to slyly show Alhaitham his knowledge of runes which, while not as much as his friend's, wasn't the worst considering he was from Kshahrewar.

Alhaitham ended up stopping him.

"Do you like runes?"

He was surprised by the question, but, after thinking about it, he was honest with the answer.

"Kind of, the normal I guess."

"I don't understand why you put so much effort into something that doesn't interest you. You could be using that energy on something more productive, like your design projects."

He was as blunt as ever, which almost made him pout because he was doing it for him, but since it made sense, he didn't want to get upset just because. He knew he was saying it with no bad intentions.

"Yeah, I was just thinking..."

He let the sentence hang in the air, and looked away, too ashamed to tell him that he intended to impress him to do a thesis with him. Alhaitham took up the space.

"If you need to know anything about runes at any time, I'll help you. You don't have to waste time on this."

His eyes returned to Alhaitham and met his junior's. His heart beat faster at the sight of Alhaitham. His heart beat faster at that promise. As if it was a promise to be there when he needed him, that he would have his back in the things he lacked, as he always did. And they were in his house, which now that his mother had moved out, was further from home than ever, but with Alhaitham there, it didn't feel so bad.

His junior broke contact first, and Kaveh's gaze froze for a while on the outlining he had taught him how to do, when they had been so close that Kaveh's heart was pounding no less than it was at that moment and he had been overcome with fear of doing something wrong because of how much his hands were shaking. So too did he notice the blush that was beginning to form near the other's cheekbones. He could have stared at him all night, carried away by that warm feeling in his chest from knowing someone would be there for him. The red on Alhaitham's face only increased even though he wasn't looking at him. His gaze dropped to the younger man's lips without thinking. It was Alhaitham who then broke the moment.

"Are you going to keep staring at me or are you going to study?"

Kaveh turned around too quickly, turning his back to him on the couch and burying his eyes in a book to hide his violent blush.

"Keep reading!," he scolded as if he wasn't the one who had interrupted the study in the first place.

He felt like his chest was going to burst, not only because of the surprise, but because he was all too aware that a moment ago, for a second, he thought about kissing Alhaitham.

He didn't call it love at the time, but when he thought about it later, it was then that his feelings became too strong to ignore. He actually enjoyed it. He enjoyed the nerves, the way his mood was a thousand times better just by being with Alhaitham, the tingle it gave him to brush against him. He was a romantic, so he thought that maybe...

Well, until they started the thesis and it all went to shit.

When he said 'I wish I'd never met you', he meant it. At least for a few hours. At least until he tore up the thesis and, amidst scraps of paper, realized what he had said and what he had done. No matter how hard he tried to glue the pieces together, it would never be the same again. No matter how much he regretted what he said, he couldn't just go and apologize. One didn't say such things to one's friends and... and Alhaitham had to apologize for hurting his feelings first, right?

If it was him coming back and Alhaitham no longer wanted anything to do with him, it would be the end. That terrified him.

But then Alhaitham did not apologize either.

And Kaveh was destroyed. He was angry at himself, but he was so tired of being angry at himself that he was also angry at Alhaitham. He blamed him because if he hadn't said that, they could have remained friends. He blamed him for accepting so easily that he never wanted to see him again, for not fighting for him, for breaking his heart and going on with his life as if they had never been anything.

And then so many things happened one after the other that he thought he was over him.

Even when they moved in together, he ignored and forcefully rationalized all his feelings, excusing himself that he only thought Alhaitham was attractive because, being objective, adulthood had suited him just fine. So yes, he thought Alhaitham was attractive and maybe he had wanted to have sex with him when he was drunk, but it was nothing more than that, was it? Because he was an insufferable man who liked to refute everything he thought and question his reasons for being nice. Because if Alhaitham didn't care, then he could be selfish with him, he could stand by him.

Then he suddenly fell into a future that he shouldn't be a part of, that had gone on without him. But there he was. He was still present in Alhaitham, in an Alhaitham who treated him with more care and gentleness than he was able to bear. And he didn't understand why, or what he wanted from him, but he had still managed to break through the barrier that covered his feelings as if it were made of paper.

Shit, what am I supposed to do now?

Chapter Text

Alhaitham had no idea how it happened.

Or rather, he did.

First, how long had he been adoring Kaveh —over twenty years? Even when they fell out, they exchanged silly messages in papers and on message boards. Not so in those twelve years. He had been in abstinence. Having Kaveh back suddenly made it much harder to control his cravings for him, of that he was well aware.

Second, Fontaine. Well, not Fontaine, but Fontaine's drinks. They were trying different things, so he didn't realize when he had one too many. The alcohol undid his common sense and, having Kaveh so close, complaining that he didn't want him when it was obvious he was crazy about him... He also had to count the factor that the last time he turned Kaveh down for being drunk he disappeared for twelve years. All that was a real cocktail for him to jump in without measuring the consequences.

Clinging to him in the morning and kissing him while sober, well... They had already gone that far the night before. It wasn't in his plans, not even close, and that was the way it always was with Kaveh. He was afraid, yes, but he figured what was done was done, he might as well wing it and see how he reacted. After all, although it hadn't been that long for Kaveh, he knew it had been for Alhaitham, and he had left a blank space for him to write, albeit slowly. His senior knew he was not the same man he knew —or rather, he didn't know he still was, for him.

Aside from the fact that, after trying it once, kissing Kaveh could easily be his favorite thing in the world, he couldn't help it.

He didn't really regret anything yet, or at least he wouldn't until he could make sure Kaveh wouldn't evaporate for another twelve years.

What Kaveh did was lock himself in the bathroom for about an hour, and he had to stand the smell of sweat so he would have whatever revelation he needed in peace.

When he came out, he said he wanted to go back to Sumeru. Alhaitham had no way of knowing where that idea came from, of course, so he tried to convince him to stay a little longer (wasn't he happy to be with his mother?), but no dice. Kaveh even told him that, if he wanted to stay so badly, he could do it alone. He had no choice but to pack his things.

Kaveh had one last talk with his mother, and as they bid their farewells, she took him aside to talk.

Alhaitham at first didn't know what to feel about Faranak. There was a time, when they were students, that he was somewhat annoyed with her for leaving Kaveh alone. Then he disappeared and he could see that she cared for him, though by then it was too late. It was true that he was disappointed when she gave up the search, but most had given up on it long before. In the end, he couldn't blame her for trying to move on. Now that she was helping Kaveh so much... he could only thank her.

In addition to the fact that inside he had a compelling need to impress her because if the person he loved cared about her, he at least wanted to leave a good impression on her.

He was a little nervous when she called him. It was time to find out if he had succeeded.

"You care about my son," Faranak stated sternly, crossing her arms.

Alhaitham reflexively tensed as one who has held something back for so long that he is afraid to reveal it, but he nodded earnestly.

"I care a lot," he agreed somewhat awkwardly, for those words were not enough to express how much he thought about, how much he wanted him to be well, how much he adored Kaveh.

She nodded.

"About my things that were left at your house... Uhm, there's a diary....."

She let the words hang, and when she said no more, Alhaitham had to admit with a tinge of embarrassment:

"Yes. I read it; I apologize."

By then, the official search was more than over. He longed for Kaveh. He thought he might find him in his mother's words, discover something more about him. And the fact that the diary had a password made him more curious. It didn't take him long to figure it out. He wondered if Kaveh would have done it. Probably not. If he had, he wouldn't have had such a hard time accepting him.

The woman's eyes sparkled at his words, but he couldn't deduce as well what she was thinking as he could with Kaveh.

"Did you figure out the password?"

Alhaitham nodded with nerves prickling at the back of his neck.

Then Faranak smiled, satisfied with his answer, and patted him on the shoulder.

"Make sure he knows, that you care." Her gaze was painted with melancholy. "Keep looking after him, please."

Did she have any idea how difficult that was? Alhaitham did, but he was willing to take the full blame for complicating it a million times over and move on with him.

"There's no need to ask."

-

They returned to Sumeru.

Once back, they couldn't put off the papers any longer. He helped Kaveh, against Kaveh's will —for some reason he definitely could not figure out, it became much harder for him to take his help— to finish confirming his identity.

Kaveh made a publication for some magazine about his return, so he wouldn't have to answer the same questions a million times, though that didn't quell people's curiosity.

There were many people who wanted to explore the ruins where he fell and wanted Kaveh to show them the location. Alhaitham noticed the architect's discomfort with the idea and tried to convince the Great Sage that even if the ruins still had the same time-bending abilities, his investigation would be too dangerous. He excused himself that it would be more dangerous to leave them unattended, and Kaveh agreed to lead them because of course he agreed when he was told that it might prevent other people from inadvertently falling into it. Of course, Alhaitham joined the expedition unashamedly.

The desert landscape was very changeable. Finding Kaveh years ago had already been impossible, so even when they returned to the site with maps from back then, the most they could do was determine the approximate location where the entrance might have been.

Kaveh was tense throughout the search, glancing at Alhaitham as if he feared he might disappear under the sand at any moment. When they decided to end it, it was as if a weight had been lifted off his shoulders and he even got to chatting with the scholars about how they shouldn't risk their lives just for their research, etc., etc. Alhaitham remembered all too well that time when Kaveh ended up injured for rescuing his companions from some ruins, and wondered if he could ever really stop worrying about him.

They finished late, so they set up camp in an oasis. They ate and drank a little and then went to bed. Of course, according to Alhaitham's plan, he ended up in the same tent as Kaveh.

It had gone on like this.

After returning, it was as if the enchantment had been broken. Kaveh refused to be in the same space as him and ran away as fast as he could when he had the chance, locking himself in his room as if it were his refuge. Alhaitham understood that he must have had some revelation after his night at the hotel and was trying to process it in his own way, but he didn't like it, it actually hurt a little. He wished he would think it out loud with him, to keep him from going in the wrong direction as he was prone to do.

Even when the two of them were cramped in the same tent, Kaveh would turn his back to him and pretend to be asleep.

It had been about a week, but it felt like centuries had passed and the distance grew greater with every second he spent near Kaveh without being able to touch him.

How could he bear it?

"Kaveh," he called softly, turning to him on the quilt.

There was no answer.

"Can we talk?"

Nothing.

He still had a foolproof technique to make him respond. He moved to the back of his neck and whispered:

"I want to have sex with you."

Shocking him so much that he couldn't ignore him.

"What?!" Kaveh turned to him as if possessed and jabbed his elbow into his side in the process, causing him to grunt. He covered his mouth as soon as he realized they had made too much noise, red as a tomato, but no one said anything. "What did you say?," he muttered then, his voice trembling.

"It seems you can still hear. Congratulations," he replied, rubbing the place where Kaveh had hit him.

"You...!"

He grabbed him by the shoulder to keep him from turning around again.

"Wait. About us..."

For some reason, whenever he wanted to tell him something important, he always ran out of words.

"Aah, I see." And Kaveh always spoke for him, challenging him. "Is that what you wanted? Why didn't you say so before?"

Alhaitham wanted to ask him what he thought he wanted. There was no way for him to know, that sex was just an excuse to hold Kaveh and have him to himself for real, without him overthinking and misinterpreting every little thing he did. His ruby eyes glittered with a tinge of pain because he didn't know.

"Are you serious or are you just messing with me again?," he asked again when there was no answer, frowning in the way Alhaitham found adorable.

His head spun trying to calculate what the best course of action was, but it was no use. Without knowing it, his mind was already made up. When Kaveh tried to turn his back on him again, he grabbed him by the face and planted a kiss on the corner of his lips, enjoying how the other tensed under his touch.

"You don't understand," he replied at last, over Kaveh's mouth, which twitched at his words.

"Then tell me?"

He'd tell him a million times, but Kaveh wouldn't understand, so instead, without moving an inch away, he pointed:

"The walls are literally made of cloth, or do you want them to hear us? I didn't know you liked this sort of thing."

Kaveh opened his mouth in indignation and was about to say something when Alhaitham licked the corner of his lips. His senior's blush became redder so he could see it even in the dark barely illuminated by the full moon outside, and he closed his mouth only to open it again when he thought of something else to say. Then Alhaitham placed his lips over Kaveh's and thrust his tongue into his mouth. Kaveh grunted in the middle of the kiss. Their lips and tongue began to dance a dance that more resembled an argument. Alhaitham's hands sought to slip under the blond's shirt, and his partner's legs dipped between his, seeking to pull him closer. They caught every sound in each other's mouths. He only let him pull away when they ran out of air, and they looked at each other panting, entwined in the heat that was beginning to take hold of them.

"Who's the one who likes it?," Kaveh grumbled under his breath.

"It's only natural if I love everything you do."

Kaveh's eyes widened. He didn't allow him to think about it for long. Instead, he pushed Kaveh down and delighted in the way he had to bite down a moan.

The friction between their crotches had Alhaitham holding his breath too.

Being on top of Kaveh, he just wanted to devour him whole. Kiss, bite, touch, taste everything over and over again, like the greatest meal you could never get tired of.

Nevertheless, he was gentle when he played around Kaveh's neckline, moving it to get to his skin and peck his chest, lick his nipples.

His darling thought he didn't deserve any kindness, so he would own this chance to show him he was very capable of receiving it.

He covered Kaveh's mouth to help him stop the sounds from coming out, even though he would love to listen, and teasingly bit on his nipple. Kaveh shivered under him and sank his teeth into his palm. That went straight to his dick.

Kaveh moved his hand to whisper hesitatingly.

"I-Is it okay?"

Alhaitham looked up at him, a question mark on his face.

"I mean, you keep touching me, don't you want me to... touch you too?"

Well, the prospect was certainly interesting. He didn't mean to monopolize the control; he just didn't want Kaveh to neglect himself to please him. So...

"Do you want to touch me?"

Kaveh frowned, bothered by the question, so Alhaitham allowed his hands to trace the shape of his thighs to soothe him. His frown deepened and he breathed in but he didn't sound pissed off when he spoke.

"If you want to."

"I think I said I love everything you do. That implies touching."

"Ugh, you—!"

"Are you really asking about consent now?" He sighed when faced with Kaveh's pouty face. "I'll tell you if I don't like something, okay? Therefore, tell me if you don't like something I do."

Kaveh nodded. It wasn't enough for him to be sure. He constantly monitored him to make sure he wasn't pushing it, but even if he was the best at figuring out what Kaveh was feeling, he was still afraid he would miss a clue and hurt him because he was too used to hiding his discomfort. No, to think that he didn't deserve comfort.

"Do it, or I'll get mad," he added.

Kaveh's eyes widened.

Alhaitham didn't allow him a word more. He rolled around in the quilt, allowing Kaveh to stay on top of him, opening his arms as if to give himself away.

He was as nervous as his senior when he helped him out of his shirt, but he loved the way Kaveh stopped to stare at him like he was a piece of art. He would never admit this: yeah, he started exercising because it was good for his health, but mostly because, when they were students, Kaveh held his breath when looking at a built man once. He also wanted to take his breath away, and now he could. The fact that this was not the first time he has seen him like this also fed his ego.

When Kaveh started touching him, he understood his frustration. Every brush of his hands was like fire, though barely tentative, caressing him like he would disappear if he was too harsh. Alhaitham kind of wanted him to squeeze his chest and bite his neck, shoulders, thighs... Then the touches led his imagination and his erection grew bigger. Kaveh was dangerously close to it and he could feel it right away.

"So you like it?," he asked smugly, yet Alhaitham felt the way he relaxed over him.

"You touch me like you're a virgin," he blurted out, even though he meant 'I want you to be rough'.

Kaveh gasped and pinched his nipples, sending electricity directly to his cock. Alhaitham had to bite his lips so as not to groan. His senior definitely noticed by the way he grinned.

"So you do like it rough."

No shit.

He managed to be sincere.

"I like it. Take notes."

That little smirk when he leaned down to kiss and bite his neck, Alhaitham wanted to eat it. The smell of their shampoo was strong with Kaveh's hair so close to him. Kaveh's waist was just around his. He pressed on his erection with every action while his hands moved wildly over his torso, randomly playing with his nipples. Alhaitham could only find it in himself to hold onto Kaveh, intoxicated by him yet unable to let go.

"You're good," he let out instead of a moan, and he just wanted to say more. "I like you, I want you."

His hands searched for Kaveh's ass and squeezed just to try to hold onto reality somehow and shut up. His senior muffled a cry by biting hard on his neck. He wanted more.

'I love you. I could hold you like this for a million years and never get tired of this. Don't let go of me ever again.'

"I want you whole."

'Your body, soul, and heart. Your happiness and your sorrow.'

Kaveh left his neck to look for his mouth and shut him up. They finally devoured each other, licking, eating, tasting. Their bodies intertwined and they kept pressing onto each other until their clothes became nothing but an impediment. An impediment to the way they knew they had to become one right then and there. They could barely catch their breaths in between each other. Somehow, they stripped each other of their clothes and they were on the edge but they didn't want it to end like this.

Kaveh's eyes were red with pleasure when he looked into Alhaitham's and panted:

"I want you inside." And he was begging but also insecure.

Alhaitham would do it, push him down and fill him, thrust into him until they couldn't breathe, until he begged for more, tears in his eyes because of the satisfaction, until he forgot what hurt and trusted him when he said 'I love you'.

"I can't," he desperately denied against his will.

And Kaveh looked like he was disappointed. He wanted to give it to him so badly. His hard dick throbbed against Kaveh's ass.

"Didn't you say you want me?"

Somewhere inside him, his mind still reminded him that they were not alone and if he were to get inside Kaveh, he wouldn't be able to control himself, then he wouldn't be able to hold back his voice. He just couldn't no matter how much he ached for it.

"I can't. But I want you."

He grabbed Kaveh's face to stop him from moving away, leaving a peck on the corner of his lips.

"I want you," he hissed frantically.

Then he rolled over, taking Kaveh with him so now they lay on their sides. And he looked so beautiful when frustrated, but Alhaitham didn't want him to feel bad.

"Can I use your thighs?"

Kaveh's eyes widened when he understood. He didn't doubt.

"Do it from behind."

He turned around before Alhaitham could complain. He didn't quite like it, since he loved to see Kaveh and he wanted to fully appreciate every reaction, but his dick was already pressing against Kaveh's entrance. He reminded himself that he didn't properly get him ready so it would be impossible to get inside anyway, but it still took the world to get in between his thighs instead.

When he did, he had to bite his lips so as not to groan loudly. They were both sweaty so Kaveh's thighs were damp and slippery, yet snug, and there was an inevitable sucking sound. However, they didn't stop it, just held their breaths and let the lewd sound be the only sound as Alhaitham slowly thrust in and out.

He may not have known how they got to bed last time, but now he was painfully aware of it, of the desire that set his skin on fire and muddled his mind.

As he increased the rhythm, he reached for Kaveh's dick and jerked him off. Kaveh couldn't help it anymore.

"Harder," a light moan escaped his lips and he pressed his legs tighter together.

A shiver went down Alhaitham's spine and he sighed roughly. That was it for their restraint. Their breaths became erratic and the sounds just came one after the other as their rhythm became faster and faster, and they were on the edge. Alhaitham looked for Kaveh's neck and kissed and licked, holding him by the waist so he couldn't let go, eliciting the most alluring twitches from his senior.

But Kaveh's sounds were Alhaitham's to hear.

As Alhaitham felt himself about to cum, he also increased the pace on the hand that wrapped around Kaveh's length, and tremblingly got on his elbow to catch his partner's face. He covered Kaveh's mouth with his own and took every moan for himself. They were so high on it that they could very well be on the stars.

He kissed, groaned, and gasped for air, but it was perfect. "I love you," came out naturally from him, for it was always at the edge of his tongue waiting to be said.

Then they both stiffened, but the next second they were coming together, a shivering, breathless mess, holding onto the last bit of pleasure.

They didn't say anything when the junior reluctantly released his thighs painted on white, and neither did he when Alhaitham looked for a towel to clean the remaining of their affair. When cleaned from the semen, Kaveh turned around again without speaking a word.

Later, it was their turn to guard the campsite.

"I'm tired, you do it," said Kaveh, without looking at him.

Alhaitham went out to take his turn and ignored the gaze of the student before them, away from the tents. The boy quickly ran away and he was left sitting near the fire, alone. Then he thought:

"Shit. Weren't we supposed to talk?"

Chapter Text

The first thing he thought as they were doing it was: So this is it.

Alhaitham thought he was attractive, liked him. Kaveh was convenient for him because they lived in the same house and, well, because at this point he must have realized that no one else would put up with him for long. Well, whether Kaveh could stand it was still up for debate in his mind because even though sexually he was thrilled and excited, his emotions were in chaos and he had no idea what to do with them.

Then Alhaitham blurted out the words he had so long not realized he wanted to hear, just like that, and then said no more. And he was angry and hurt, feeling stupid because somewhere there was a hint of excitement.

He started mulling it over alone in the quilt, and after a while, he began to question whether it wasn't an auditory hallucination. It was something he wanted to hear so badly, maybe he imagined it in the middle of sex. They were so short of breath that he might as well have said 'I love it' and it would have sounded the same to Kaveh because that was what he wanted to hear. Sure, he just loved his body, or the sensations, or the sex.

Which brought everything back to the beginning.

Keeping that up with Alhaitham couldn't be good for ending his infatuation. No, rather, was there a way to end it? He had been in love with him for about ten years.

Alhaitham could never reciprocate his feelings, no matter how sweet he was or how much he helped him. Archons, he wished he wasn't so sweet. He just wanted him to break him until he forgot about that pain.

The nagging fear that he might regret it, might stop settling for that arrangement, might end up asking for a little more than he should, and ruin everything.

Again.

His heart ached every time he thought of him and inside he berated himself for having approached this man, attractive, intelligent, who would give him all the attention he wanted but never in the way he craved for.

He felt worse thinking that he had just fixed things with his mother and was still asking for something more from the world. As if he couldn't appreciate the shred of happiness he was given. He couldn't have it all. He couldn't have Alhaitham.

They returned soon after and Kaveh could excuse himself by wanting to see how Sumeru's architecture had evolved in person —which was true— to be gone all day until Alhaitham went back to work.

As hard as he tried to be away, he couldn't get the idea out of his head that he was squatting in Alhaitham's house and ignoring him without even paying him rent. And without working. Like an outcast. He would try to clean and tidy up when the other man wasn't around the house, but he couldn't live like that and be at peace with himself.

At least he found comfort in the fact that his Palace of Alcazarzaray was still as omnipotent as he remembered, and he could only congratulate himself on his good work. There he inevitably ran into Dori, who attempted a joke about charging him interest even though the debt had already been paid off —he doubted that part of the joke, he had a feeling that, if he didn't already know that Alhaitham had paid it, Dori wouldn't have corrected him.

"Hmph." And she had the nerve to look disappointed when Kaveh said he already knew the state of the debt. "The scribe had been looking for me for a while then. It's scary to be chased by the scribe, so I was dodging him, you know? After you disappeared, I had no choice but to talk to him. I can't leave a debt uncollected," she sighed dramatically.

There was something that had been bothering him for a while.

"Why did you look for Alhaitham specifically?"

"Well...," she said thoughtfully, then looked at him with greed in her eyes. "Information costs money."

Kaveh rolled his eyes.

"Forget it."

"Ah! Just kidding!" A second ago, it wasn't a joke, but Kaveh was too polite to walk away after that. "Look, I'll tell you for free because of the good work with the palace. Consider it a token of my goodwill for future negotiations." She looked around as if to make sure no one was there, increasing the man's curiosity. "It is common knowledge that the scribe was the head of the search so I deduced that he would be the closest to you. He paid everything at once and I asked him why he was looking for me. He said he had always wanted to repay your debt."

Kaveh's heart skipped a beat.

"What a good friend, isn't he? Hey, don't they say you're living with him?" She arched her eyebrows. "Could it be—?"

"It's nothing like that!" Kaveh was quick to deny it when he saw where her line of thinking was going. "I wouldn't even say we're friends..."

What were they?

Dori smiled as if she had discovered something interesting.

"Let him know."

-

Kaveh didn't know what to do with that information. Why would Alhaitham want to pay his debt? Whenever he took an unpaid job, he was reminding him that he had debts to pay. Did he want him out of his house so badly that he was even going to pay him the debt? No, then why would he bring him back?

In the end, he couldn't get any idea of what Alhaitham was thinking, and he was afraid to ask and not hear what he wanted to hear.

-

On one of his walks, he ended up near Gandharva Ville.

At first, he did not avoid it on purpose. There was so much going on that he didn't want to bother his friends with his worries, especially when for them it had been twelve years since they had seen each other. By the time he realized it, he had been in that time for about a month and hadn't seen them. That is, he ended up worrying that they would think he wasn't interested in seeing them and would have been angry with him, and now they wouldn't be able to regain their friendship anymore and he would be alone with his worries as he apparently loved to be.

It wasn't like that, of course.

Kaveh was walking along oblivious to his surroundings when, from behind some bushes, a wild Tighnari came out and shouted, pointing at him.

"You asshole!"

So after that, he was dragged back to his house. Cyno was home at the time, so he found himself mobbed by the two, in front of a cup of tea that Tighnari prepared in annoyance. Kaveh wanted nothing more than to disappear and ducked his head in shame at the two insistent stares.

"I'm sorry," he blurted out, feeling foolish. He was going to take whatever retaliation they wanted to give him, he deserved it...

"You should." Tighnari folded his arms indignantly, but his tone afterward was much sweeter. "We missed you."

Kaveh looked up, and though he was still frowning, there was a tinge of sadness in his friend's eyes.

"Yes, it's not easy to play TCG with three people," Cyno said with a small smile.

Relief washed over him.

"I'm sorry..."

"Stop apologizing," Tighnari scolded.

"So we're good then?"

"I can be annoyed if you want," Cyno suggested and got up from his place to reach for his weapon.

"No need!" Kaveh hastened to stop him.

At least he had made him smile.

"But don't ignore our invitation for so long again, okay?"

Kaveh opened his mouth to reply and Tighnari cut him off, "Don't say sorry."

Kaveh closed his mouth. The three of them laughed, and although he was still worried, he didn't feel so bad.

Turns out a lot could happen in twelve years (as Kaveh was already getting used to finding out), so the two of them got on with updating him on their lives quickly, giving him the space to get comfortable before he had to tell his side. And how could he not forget about his doubts when he had so much to find out about. Apparently, they lived together now. Collei also used to hang around, but at the moment she was on a trip to see some friends. The most important things were left to the end.

"You got married?!"

I mean, he had assumed it was going to happen at some point, but he hadn't been able to attend!

Cyno smiled smugly and raised his hand to show off the ring, lifting Tighnari's hand with the other to do the same. Cyno's had an intricate and eye-catching flower design, with a green stone in the center, while Tighnari's was much more normal, with an eye similar to the one the other had on his officer's helmet.

"Eleven years ago." Tighnari retrieved his hand.

"Yes. I thought there was no point in waiting any longer when I saw how Haitham...." He fell silent then, stopping mid-sentence to look at Tighnari. "Well, there's no point in waiting if you already know who you love."

"Congratulations! Really! Ah, is it too late for a wedding present?" Not that he had any money, but he'd get it!

"No, Alhaitham said you weren't working yet," Tighnari reprimanded him.

"Ah..." Instead of feeling bad about not being able to give them anything, he jumped at the chance to change the subject. "Do you talk to Haitham much?"

It wasn't like he wanted to know what they talked about with Alhaitham or anything.

"Well, you know how he is, but yeah, something like that."

"Hmm..."

Tighnari pressed his temple, and Kaveh figured he couldn't believe he had to put up with the same thing he had to put up with twelve years ago, so instead of going on about Alhaitham, he summarized for them what he'd been doing these days —epically skipping the parts about his roommate, of course—. His friends listened to him and, coming to the end, looked at each other.

"How strange," Cyno commented. "I seem to recall that Haitham would have come up in conversation two or three times by this point."

"Of course not!," complained Kaveh.

"Then something happened..."

At that moment, Kaveh's face turned as red as fire.

"Nothing happened!"

The couple exchanged an amused glance again.

"Twelve years destroys anyone's patience," agreed Cyno.

"Well, we all saw him at that time... If we hadn't insisted, that guy wouldn't have any social life at all."

And Kaveh's heart jumped.

"What are you talking about?"

Their mood dropped again, and they continued talking as if he wasn't there.

"Ahh, you see, he's thicker than gold," sighed Tighnari.

"Can we go ahead with the bet then? I'm winning."

"Why was it that I bet on Kaveh again...?"

Kaveh: ...

"Can I join your conversation...?"

Tighnari finally took pity on him and turned to him.

"I'm going to give you a hint because I don't know if I can take all this again. Do you know who looked for you the hardest?"

Kaveh tensed. He was well aware of that. He remembered the conversation with his mother.

"Alhaitham realized you were missing before anyone else and took it upon himself to lead the search. We all looked for you, of course, but he was the only one who didn't lose faith even after years."

'In those days, I met a gentleman who would get to the searches first and return late at night. It had been three weeks, but he didn't care. I asked him what he was to you and he said he was your friend. Even through the anxiety, I thought, 'I'm glad my son met someone who worries so much about him.' Alhaitham...'

"He was actually pitiful, so I'm glad you're back," Cyno added, and Tighnari squeezed his shoulder as if to shut him up.

"In fact, he may not have wanted to let you go even until now, but he didn't tell us because, well... The truth is he was pitiful," he admitted at last.

Kaveh understood the actions, it made sense with what he had seen and his heart warmed at the thought of someone who had waited for him, but he couldn't take it in.

"Why would he do that?"

Tighnari rolled his eyes and Cyno looked at him as if asking permission to say something. He wasn't given it.

"Ask him."

-

That night he hung out on his own until it was past Alhaitham's bedtime. The problem is, when he went to open the door, he couldn't find his keys anywhere.

Just that. His heart froze and his chest tightened. It shouldn't be that easy, should it? He shouldn't feel like he was going to cry just because he forgot his keys. It was all building up before he knew it and it was... too much.

If he had to knock on the door and wait for Alhaitham to hear him and get up to open it for him, to be reprimanded for not paying attention as if the reason his mind was more scattered than usual wasn't that he was desperately trying to figure out that stupid situation he'd gotten himself into with his roommate... he was going to scream. He was going to say things he didn't mean and he was going to hurt them both.

The feeling grew in his chest and his body began to tremble, then he let it out with a bang on the door. More like a kick. And a scream of frustration.

He didn't know what to do, he just knew he wasn't going to put up with it if Alhaitham said a word against him. He'd rather sleep in the street a thousand times over. Just...

The door opened.

Alhaitham looked at him angrily, making his heart clench in his chest, but when he saw who it was, his expression softened considerably. And Kaveh didn't know which was worse.

"You forgot your key," he said, announced, stepping aside so Kaveh could pass.

"Don't say anything," his voice came out like poison, but Kaveh had to clench his fists to hold back the trembling, moving past Alhaitham to enter.

Because why did he want Alhaitham to tell him he had been waiting for him.

A hand caught his and stopped him, and now it was obvious to Alhaitham how hard he was clenching his fists, nails digging into his palm to keep him quiet, but Kaveh didn't turn and didn't loosen his hands.

"Are you alright? Did something happen?"

What happened?

You. That's what happened, you.

But he dug his nails in harder and took a breath before answering. And his voice sounded unnaturally calm.

"I'm just tired."

"Mn..."

Alhaitham didn't let go. Instead, he stepped in front of Kaveh and held up his hands. Before his shaking eyes, he helped him open his fingers slowly, revealing his palms with red marks from the pressure. His touch was gentle as he caressed them with his thumbs as if to say 'It's okay.'

It wasn't okay.

Kaveh held it in until then, but emotions were mixing and fighting to get out with every brush of Alhaitham's hands. He had to look away and carefully control his breathing so as not to cry.

And he wanted to ask, 'Why do you always do this?', but instead he said, "I'll go to sleep."

A tinge of disappointment in his blue-green eyes, but Alhaitham let his hands go.

"Sleep well."

-

'Trust him,' said his mother.

'Let him know,' taunted him Dori.

'Ask him,' suggested Tighnari.

Everyone was telling him the same thing, but the problem lay in the fact that he couldn't.

After admitting how he felt, he could no longer pretend that he didn't care, that he wasn't the only one who kept him on his toes too many times, that Kaveh wasn't a bother when he took advantage of his kindness. Because Alhaitham was kind to him when, despite his complaints, he waited for him to open the door for him after he forgot his keys, when he looked for him from the tavern, when he hugged him and kissed him and cared for him as if he were sand that would slip through his hands.

He cared, and it terrified him.

Because it seemed only inevitable that everything he cared about would end up destroyed in his hands.

No, he couldn't ask him because an unsatisfactory answer would break his heart, and then he wouldn't be able to go on as usual. The irony remained that nothing they had after returning from the desert was the same as it had always been. So what was he protecting?

He didn't want to think anymore.

The next day, it was just getting dark when he crossed Lambad's tavern, and he didn't think about it.

Lambad now had dyed gray hair and smile wrinkles in his eyes, but otherwise, he was still as energetic as ever. He even hugged Kaveh when he saw him, something he had never done before, and then treated him to drinks while asking his opinion on the new tavern arrangement. Kaveh didn't refuse and they got to talking about the change in interior design, though the man didn't understand much.

Soon the bartender was busy tending to other people and Kaveh plopped down at some table with his drinks, ready to drink until he forgot about Alhaitham, his job, and all the people who gave him curious looks when they heard who he was.

At some point, a man who looked to be in his early twenties got up the courage and went to talk to him. He had the wonderful idea to start by asking him about his work, so Kaveh was once again disarming in comments about the arrangement of the place. He blurted out some comment about how the atmosphere contributed to making people feel comfortable and at ease, of the number of times he had seen people come close because of being in that atmosphere with low lighting and light music.

The man couldn't have agreed more, because before Kaveh was aware of it, he had his chair pressed against his own and his hand on his thighs.

"Why don't we make use of this atmosphere then?" And his voice was low and deep, a whisper just for him.

His eyes widened as the man began to lean toward him, panic processing too late in his brain. He only reached to stop him by the shoulder, but the other didn't budge either.

"Y-You're like a child to me, how old are you?" He tried to pull away, the problem was that he was already up against the wall.

"That was years ago, but even then, I always thought Sumeru's best-known architect was the prettiest."

Maybe his heart skipped a beat at the compliment, but it wasn't the same as when Alhaitham said it to him. It didn't choke him with sweetness, didn't make him want to scream with happiness. Wasn't that what he wanted? Something that would fill him up for a while, that wasn't significant enough to hurt?

"I don't know," he answered aloud, his grip loosening a little.

That man was all he could see, smell, feel. Too close. He wasn't exactly horrible. He could accept it and hope it would quiet all his thoughts. So why wasn't he sure?

The man's hands reached for his waist, but they didn't feel like fire, and there was no anticipation when he brought his lips closer or when he closed his eyes tightly.

Chapter Text

When Kaveh started ignoring him again, Alhaitham accepted it because he knew he couldn't restrict his freedom. He may have asked Lambad to let him know if he saw him around, but that was just because he was worried about his bad drinking habits. He was always the one taking Kaveh back home in the past, so Lambad agreed to let him know if he was getting carried away.

He didn't expect to find Kaveh cornered against the wall by some random guy.

He knew his senior was free to be with whomever he wanted. As much as it pained him, they hadn't made any exclusivity agreement. He knew that. However, the fire that gripped him at that moment was far stronger than rationality had ever been.

Before they could touch, he reached for the man's neck and yanked him away from Kaveh. The guy dragged the chair with him and fell on his ass. He looked up with a furious glare, but when he saw who it was...

"S-scribe?!" the whole body of the man trembled.

Kaveh opened the eyes he had been holding tightly shut, and Alhaitham did not dare to look him in the eye.

"Oh, my hand slipped."

He let go of the man and the man crawled away a little before he dared to get up. In his horror, he was clearly thinking, 'How was that a slip!'

Alhaitham didn't usually bully people intentionally, but at that moment, he was towering like a wall and glaring at the man, who looked between him and Kaveh for a moment.

"I'm sorry!" As if he had decided he didn't want to have anything to do with this, he ran off.

Alhaitham watched him until he was out of sight and only then turned back to Kaveh. His senior gawked at him. The bottles on the table, the dazed look, and the red tinting his face bore witness to how much he had drunk.

"Let's go home. You are drunk already."

"Huh?"

Alhaitham took him by the hand and led him out of the bar, ignoring the curious glances of those who came late to see what had happened.

The cool night air soaked in the heat of the fury, and he couldn't help but feel foolish for his reaction. Kaveh had every right to be with whomever he wanted, but when he thought that person might not be him... his stomach churned.

Kaveh didn't say anything and neither did he.

It wasn't until they reached the house that he spoke again.

"Good night." He let go of Kaveh's hand to go to his room.

But then it was Kaveh who refused to let him go, grabbing his arm as best he could. When their eyes met, the look in his eyes was strangely clear as fury flared in them.

"Are you just going to walk away? What was that?"

Alhaitham took Kaveh's hand that was holding him and began to stroke it without thinking.

"Kaveh, you're drunk."

"I'm an adult, I can do whatever I want!"

They might be adults, but they were both pretty dumb when it came to each other.

"Normally, adults don't drink until someone has to carry them home."

Kaveh tensed under his touch and pulled his hand away from him. And then Alhaitham realized that his anger was not entirely gone, but it was too late.

"I didn't ask you to fetch me," he spat angrily, but there was sadness in his eyes. "Why can't you say something like you were jealous?" He laughed at himself as if the idea seemed ridiculous, a hysterical laugh he quickly cut off to point at him. "Why did you look for me?"

Why? He had a feeling he wasn't just asking about this time. And Alhaitham had wanted to talk about it, but not like this, not like this. His chest was already tightening at the accusation, the way Kaveh didn't want to believe he could have feelings for him no matter how hard he had tried to prove otherwise.

"Kaveh, let's talk in the morning," he suggested, trying to sound calm.

"No! I want to talk now!," he whined like a child, but a child wouldn't feel as much pain as he did.

But wasn't he hurting too, for years now, sitting around waiting for Kaveh to recognize him? As much as it was his fault... no, because it was his fault, he couldn't just give him an answer that would end up sounding more like an excuse.

"You don't know?" He asked then, taking a step towards him, and his voice was low and soft.

Kaveh's eyes were doubtful.

"You don't love me," his voice was firm though his body trembled, and Alhaitham wanted nothing more than to embrace him.

"Why do you say that?"

A defiant smile plastered itself on the lips he adored so much.

"What, so you do love me?" He wasn't looking for answers, he didn't leave him time to say anything. "You don't remember me, you don't remember us."

He had no space to talk to him about how he clung to his memory, about how much he thought of him, about the millions of words she dedicated to him in those years, about how he visited each and every project Kaveh had been involved in to understand him through them, because he didn't need to look for him. Kaveh had always been everywhere, how could he forget something as essential to him as his heart?

"You forgot how I am, you forgot how you mocked my luck, my kindness, you hated how emotional I am, and look! I am being emotional now!"

His eyes glistened with tears. Alhaitham raised his hand unconsciously. Before he could do anything, Kaveh pushed it away. And the tears fell with no one to stop them.

"Surely you hate me now." His face was red, he pursed his lips as he sniffled, and a frown of rage distorted his face, but Alhaitham felt nothing but love for him. "Surely you hated me then when you rejected me. But that's okay, if I were you, I'd rather not have gotten involved with me again, too..."

He didn't want to hear it anymore. He didn't let Kaveh push him away this time. He pulled him and settled him in his arms.

"That's not true," he whispered, and pain crept between his words.

The man seemed so small with his body trembling, but he found the strength to push him away.

"Don't touch me," even as his voice broke; he took a step back, away from him. "Why did you bring me back, are you expecting a prize for your charity? Now everyone knows I live with you and I have nothing, and if that's what you wanted from the beginning, then why didn't you say I lived with you before?" His eyes were shaking, but they were still fixed on him as he spat out word after word, "There was no point if I didn't find out and feel stupid and humiliated, right? You were never capable of feeling pity for anyone, don't do it now."

"Kaveh—"

He dared not touch him, and the words...

He knew millions of words, dozens of languages. When it came to Kaveh, no words would do or express everything he felt, but every accusation hurled at him burned into his skin like red-hot iron.

He was paralyzed. He had imagined before, what he would say to him if he had the chance, but now... The terror that what he said would only push Kaveh further away wouldn't let him move. He had done it before.

"Sorry, okay?" Kaveh spat.

How do you explain something so complex to someone who doesn't want to understand you?

"I'm sorry because I can't do this without feeling anything like you. I can't and.... I'll spare you the drama," the pain, the anger in his eyes stabbed into Alhaitham like a million daggers. "I'm not going to be yours just because you're lonely."

Kaveh turned to the door and yanked it open. The hand gripping the margin trembled, and he paused there for a second as if waiting for something.

Alhaitham knew he had to stop him. Somehow. Say something, do something. He couldn't just listen. When he opened his mouth to speak...

"What I said that time... I should have listened."

Oh.

His senior didn't look back when all that was left of him was the echo of the door slamming in the house, now alone.

-

Kaveh left him. Again.

He remembered the first time. He hadn't thought it through; they were saying too many things and the truth that had been haunting him slipped from his lips. The way Kaveh looked at him then was like now.

As if he had betrayed him, destroyed everything they were and everything they could be.

Then he smiled, but it was more like a grimace, and said,

'I wish I hadn't spoken to you that time, I wish I had never met you. It's over.'

And his world shattered. He didn't understand why he couldn't say another word or why his chest ached and his eyes stung. At least until his vision blurred and tears began to fall down his cheeks. And all he could think of was that maybe, no matter how right he was, he should have shut his mouth.

No matter how much logic told him there was no point in worrying about that stupid senior when he himself had said he wanted nothing to do with him, no matter how much he had wiped away the tears and stood up, no matter how much the world wanted to pretend that everything was still going on, the loneliness no longer felt the same... It was all about Kaveh.

Everywhere he went, there were traces of Kaveh. It was in the flowers he used to admire, in the living room of his house where they sat studying together, even in his classmates because they were nothing like Kaveh and made him wish he could see him, have his complement, because he would understand.

He realized. It wasn't that Kaveh was in the others; he was in him. Or rather, he was no longer. Where his senior used to be, there was now a void. And he understood. Why the world cracked at that moment.

When Kaveh came back to him, he swore to himself that he would never let him go.

But he did, once, twice more.

No matter how much he thought about it, he didn't know what to say. No matter how hard he looked for him, he couldn't change his mind. He had never been able to, so why could he now? He once thought that was okay, but that was in academic debates. When he had to make his feelings clear in a way that he understood, now that he needed to... he was paralyzed.

Would he understand? If he simply said it, would he accept it, would he come back?

He stood there for a long time but could not come to a solution. Perhaps he also hoped that Kaveh would come back and that something would come out of his mouth that would convince him that he knew him, adored him, that he had never wanted anything but happiness for him, that he was his love and all he needed, that losing him would leave him empty for forever.

If he really did lose him... if saying anything else would just destroy everything, then he never wanted to speak a word again.

At some point, his body moved of its own accord, not to look for Kaveh but to sit up.

He closed his eyes, but did not fall asleep.

Instead, he sought the feeling of Kaveh clinging to him, the way they fit together like puzzle pieces, the smell of flowers in his hair, the warmth of his body.

Who would be able to give him up?

Alhaitham had lived long enough to know that he wouldn't.

He wouldn't.

The revelation squeezed his heart, turned his stomach. He felt sick. If he was sick of anything, it was of cravings. He was sick, but his body trembled with the urge to get up and reach for that thing he needed like air itself.

He never bothered to make himself understood before. Only now, only for Kaveh, he wanted to try. No, he had to succeed.

And hadn't he let him go too many times already? Hadn't he allowed them both to suffer for too long?

A thousand times.

Maybe that made him undeserving. Maybe Kaveh could get over it and live better without him. But Alhaitham would never find a way to go on if he left.

He knew Kaveh was hurting for him at that very moment, for something he could alleviate. So why was he still sitting? If his actions weren't enough...

He knew millions of words, dozens of languages. When it came to Kaveh, no words would do or express everything he felt.

But he would try.

A thousand times, until he understood.

Was it because his romantic spirit had finally hit him?

If Kaveh didn't come back... he'd just have to go looking for him.

Chapter Text

Ah, now he had really ruined it.

It also turns out that he had found a way to be so angry he wanted to scream and so desperate he wanted to rip his heart out of his chest to stop suffering at the same time.

It's just that he knew he would ruin it somehow.

And he had.

Pat on the back for the great prediction.

He only had to walk for a while for reality to hit him in the face (along with the cold that crept in through the necklines of his clothes). Like the tone he used when he told Alhaitham that he wished he had never met him.

Again.

Because apparently, he was that stupid to say it again, and mean it.

He meant it for a few seconds, and then the door closed behind him, and he found himself ignoring the wish that Alhaitham would come out for him, stop him, kiss him, and tell him that he cared, that he loved him.

He didn't.

Again.

So he didn't love him. He didn't mind living alone again because he didn't care about Kaveh, and he didn't care about anyone else but himself.

If he loved him, he would look for him.

"But he looked for you, he looked for you, and you pushed him away."

And he wouldn't let him speak because he was dying of the terror of what he might say.

Alhaitham had been so good to him those days; he couldn't bear it if he reproached him; he didn't want to hear it because he deserved it.

So he pretended he didn't see the pain in his eyes and spat venom, waiting for what?

Now he was alone, it was night, he was cold, and no one cared because he had just walked away from the one person who would bother to come after him.

"Beep beep!" Mehrak beeped on his hand.

He had inadvertently activated her. He released her to float beside him, sad eyes drawn in her center.

"Ah, it's okay," he lied as if she could understand.

He had only got to bring her because he never really let go of her, the same with his claymore. So he was carrying his notes and... about a hundred moras. Great. First, he'd drag Mehrak into some ruins where he might as well have died, and then he'd take her out into the street.

"If you could, I'm sure you'd leave me too, wouldn't you? Someone else could take better advantage of you than me," he muttered.

It was pathetic, seeking solace in a machine.

"Beep beep!" Mehrak followed him, pushing his hand as if asking him to grab her.

Kaveh was going to, just because he couldn't afford to let go of anything else, but she pulled away again. The suitcase jerked from side to side in mimicry of denial, and he was confused when she reached for his hand again but wouldn't let him grab it. Then it rose again, and out of her eyes came a holographic image of herself opening up. That's when he got it, and this time Mehrak let him take her to open her.

Wandering around, he had ended up leaving the city, so he looked for a place under some trees to sit down and take a good look at what she wanted him to see. He used his vision to illuminate the interior. Still, as expected, nothing was strange since the last time he opened her.

"What do you want me to look for?"

Mehrak projected the image of a diary he knew very well.

"Oh."

Just before he came back, his mother had said a couple of things to him, answered a couple of questions. Some words he had accepted, and some he had not.

What had stuck at the end was a clue.

'The password is something you've already got with that sweet man.'

He tried a few more words, but neither 'love,' 'affection,' 'appreciation,' 'regard,' 'gratitude,' 'appreciation,' nor 'friendship' had worked. Ultimately, he loaded it into Mehrak, hoping to find inspiration at some point.

Faced with that question now, he pulled out the journal, and spite led him to try very different words.

'Abandonment,'
'absence,'
'emptiness,'
'loneliness,'
'pain,'
'desolation.'

He stopped when he felt the tears threatening to come again.

"Obviously, it's nothing like that... Then the opposite?"

He felt he was running out of air thinking about it, about what he had left behind, but he continued.

'Fullness,'
'happiness,'
'joy.'

'Companionship.'

The journal clicked and opened, and Kaveh's heart finally broke.

'Oh.'

He dropped onto his back. He shoved his fist into his mouth, teeth tore at the skin. The pain and the metallic taste on his tongue anchored him to the reality he so detested, and all that was left was to take it all in. Read it all.

'Whenever you feel down, seek out a friend to sit and have a chat. You can accumulate joy and fulfillment by spending time with them. The positive feelings you gain will get you through the long and difficult years. Never forget that companionship is the most important thing of all.'

His mother's words could have comforted him at any time, but after what he had done...

How could he explain to her that the one person he wanted to talk to was the one person he could no longer talk to?

That all the positive memories he had were now painted with despair over what was lost?

How could he accept company knowing that he was the writer of his own demise?

And it was written from the beginning, in that man who didn't understand him but never left him. He never left him. It was him. The one who was wrong, the one who asked for more than he could have and dragged others down with him.

If he didn't do it before, now Alhaitham would really wish he hadn't spent his money on him without asking for anything in return, taken care of him when he just wanted to have him by his side, held him when he was crying and looked stupid and pathetic, said those nice things when he held him sweetly, showed that face when he held back under his touch, sought his warmth... And he would regret getting involved with him again and again... Hoping what, that something would change?

Maybe he wasn't meant to change or to love. He especially wasn't meant to be loved.

He swallowed back the screams, but the tears ran down his face like a river. He cried. He cried for everything he had refused to cry for in his life.

He cried for the boy who had murdered his father, for the one who had destroyed his mother's happiness.

He broke down for the man who struggled to hold it all together rwhile his stupid project crumbled, only to end up crushing it along with the ashes of the most meaningful friendship he had ever had, of the first love he could not forget no matter how many years passed.

For those times when life did nothing but push him further and further to the edge of the cliff, for the days when he slept in the bar and dreamed of never waking up again.

His heart broke for that man who returned and helped him stand in the light again, for the one he would rather scream and fall apart than admit that he loved him more than the world and himself. Because Alhaitham would not feel the same, and he could not bear it. True, he couldn't bear it.

But mostly for himself, for that Kaveh who knew nothing but fight or flight no matter how many years passed, and knew it so well, always ready to end his own happiness. For perhaps then he deserved none.

And no matter how much he drowned in pain, his breath still came in short gasps, his body still trembled, and his heart still clenched in on itself as if it wanted to disappear.

Maybe he was made to feel that misery, but misery also craved companionship.

Chapter Text

He fell asleep at some point.

"Hey, someone is sleeping in here."

Voices, whispers began to filter into his sleep, though he couldn't quite catch the meaning yet amidst the throbbing pain in his head.

"Look at those clothes, they look expensive."

"He looks familiar... Isn't he that architect everyone was talking about?"

"Ha, lucky. Someone like that must have enough mora for us."

Shit.

His mind suddenly cleared.

He'd forgotten how bad his luck was.

No, should he call it karma?

He didn't open his eyes, pretending to be asleep as footsteps approached. From the voices and the sound, there must have been about four of them. He tried to disguise the movement, reaching out for his sword...

"Look at this."

There was a crash and then the pain spread very real from his hand to his arm. He opened his eyes with a groan.

A boot crushed his hand, and the sword was grabbed by another of the treasure hoarders before he could move. As he gritted his teeth to get up regardless of the pain, yet another kick knocked him back to the ground, and a man climbed on his back, using all his weight to pin him down.

"What—?"

A hand grabbed him by the hair and slammed his head into the ground. The world spun for a second, and his headache got infinitely worse.

'Can't you wait for me to finish talking?!'

They yanked his face up again. The man who had stepped on his hand bent down, giving him a chilling smile.

"Good morning, princess. Would you mind giving us poor people some mora?" He had all the appearance of being the boss.

It hurt him to even open his mouth to speak. Which means he was in his element.

"Oh, I assure you there is no one else more willing to give mora to anyone who needs it, but," he smiled back at him, though his smile must have been ten times less intimidating, "I have none."

"We'll be the judge of that."

Back to swallowing grass. This time they didn't let him raise his head again, and he could only watch from the side as the boss went to reach for Mehrak. And with the way his head was spinning, he couldn't finish formulating any ideas to get out of that situation. There was only the voice whispering to him that maybe he deserved that.

He found a way to open it and, with his luck, did so without activating her. He turned her over to throw everything carelessly out.

Well, even if Kaveh deserved it, he couldn't help but be annoyed.

"I don't have anything! You see?"

The boss held up the little bag of mora and, after giving it a quick glance, snorted.

"Are you sure it's that architect?," he asked one of the men behind them.

"Of course he is!"

"I heard he lives with the scribe," said another voice.

"I remember something like that," his smile widened even more. "I'm sure we could get a little more money out of him if we used this guy, then."

Kaveh didn't mean to draw attention to himself like that, but a chuckle escaped him at those words.

"You're not going to get anything out of him for me."

Shit, it still hurt.

The smile wiped off the boss' face and he furrowed his eyebrows. He reached down again to pinch his cheek hard.

"Do you think we're dumb? Two months ago, I heard he was still looking for information on a certain architect who disappeared a decade ago. Then he comes back and is invited to live in his house. The scribe may not care about many things and many people, but if there's someone he'd give a lot of mora for...." He slapped him too hard on the cheek, "it's you."

Kaveh... didn't he know about that? Had Alhaitham really been looking for him for so long? Until then, he trusted Alhaitham looked for him years ago, but he thought he had forgotten about it after that until he came back. It's true, why would he keep looking for someone who disappeared twelve years ago?

'He looked for you.'

He barely felt the slap through the emotions swirling in his chest and the thoughts whirling through his mind.

He had to be the cruelest man in the world.

The boss stood up and turned his back on them.

"Lift him up." With his command, the guy sitting on him stood up to pull him up. "Let's get a few moras from the scribe."

His words were like a trigger.

They were forcing him to stand up so he barely caught a glimpse out of the corner of his eye of an emerald flash before something, or someone, fell from the sky right on the boss in front of him.

Everyone's eyes widened as they saw the big man fall belly-first to the ground. No one had room to lift a finger, eyes fixed on the boss, and then a boot crushed his head and smashed it mercilessly into the ground. Kaveh could have sworn he heard a crack. If his mind didn't short-circuit that, it would short-circuit at the man's eyes as he saw him half kneeling and turned toward the treasure hoarders. He had never seen such a dark look in Alhaitham.

"The scribe?!," shouted one of the men.

Everyone backed away, even the man holding his arm, who loosened his grip. Kaveh did not miss the opportunity even to have a mental breakdown. He finished firming his feet and pulled his arm by gritting his teeth. The grip gave way, and he, who hadn't timed his balance very well, bounced forward. Just as ever, he couldn't help but fall into Alhaitham's strong arms.

"Ugh, do something!" The boss' muffled voice came from below, and only then did they start moving again.

Alhaitham helped him stand upright quickly and stepped forward, sword in hand, but not before giving the boss another stomp under his feet once more.

Kaveh might have stared dumbfounded at his back as he stood before him to protect him from the hoarders, who soon drew their weapons as well, but he was not that sort of person. The adrenaline made him instantly forget all the pain in his body. He hurried to lift Mehrak up and activate her. His claymore flew from where one of the treasure hoarders had abandoned it to him, and he joined the fight ignoring Alhaitham's warning gaze.

In an instant, they had all four hoarders tied up on the ground.

Without the excuse of the fight, Kaveh had no choice but to face Alhaitham, too afraid to look him in the face. It didn't help that he suddenly felt aware that, apart from his dirty clothes, his hair must have been a mess, and his eyes were swollen.

He had barely had time to process what he had been told, but he knew one thing from the night before. He was an idiot, and he needed to apologize, even if Alhaitham wouldn't accept it.

"I'm sor—"

"Where did they hurt you?," he asked.

Kaveh was confused by the interruption but reflexively touched his back, and a whimper escaped him when the rubbing returned accompanied by a twinge of pain. He didn't dare look him in the face, but he saw how his junior tensed.

"Your arms," he then asked.

Kaveh could only stretch his arms, and Alhaitham's touch was so gentle as he lifted his sleeves, giving him shivers. On his arms some marks were already starting to turn purple; he didn't doubt there must be some on his back as well. Alhaitham let him go only to turn to the treasure hoarders with a menacing aura. The men, who were already quite beaten, shrank back.

"How strange, weren't you looking for me? Now you don't even want to look me in the face," his tone was still flat, but Kaveh noticed the anger in his words.

And then he realized that Alhaitham had never really been angry with him.

"Maybe I should break an arm or two of each of you so that you learn not to touch what doesn't belong to you..."

He took another step forward, and only there did Kaveh dare to advance, stopping him by the arm.

"I-It's okay!" He still didn't want the scribe to get arrested for going too far in self-defense. "Look, they've learned their lesson, haven't you, guys?"

He gave the hoarders a meaningful look. Three of them nodded vigorously, and only the boss, whose face was all swollen from the violence with which Alhaitham had crushed him, dared to complain through the makeshift gag they had been put in, something that sounded like, "I told you."

Kaveh wanted to hit him too.

Alhaitham didn't look very convinced, but some of the tension disappeared with Kaveh's grip. He raised his hand as if to touch his hair, causing the senior to shrink in anticipation, but lowered it again.

Kaveh then went to gather his things with the apology stuck in his throat. Alhaitham went over to help him. Anyway, he wasn't going to put up with it if they just stared awkwardly, so he said the first thing that came to his mind:

"Why did you come?"

Yeah, that didn't sound good.

Alhaitham made no comment. As if he had just remembered, he unhooked the bag Kaveh noticed he was carrying on his shoulder.

"You forgot something," and he opened the bag to show him. Inside were more than ten notebooks.

Kaveh looked up in confusion, only to meet Alhaitham's eyes glittering with anxiety, examining his reactions.

"What is this?," he asked slowly, trying to control his tone.

He had not forgotten such a thing. He didn't remember any of those notebooks. He had to push the disappointment from rising in his chest because, well, after what he said, he couldn't blame Alhaitham if he hated him now, right?

"It's what I wrote about you," Alhaitham admitted without hesitation. "More than twenty years ago, twelve, ten, five, one. Anytime."

His gaze was sincere, and there was something else that Kaveh had not paid attention to before but had always been there. It made him incredibly nervous, the way it made his heart beat like crazy and the blood rush to his face.

"There are also some quotes, poems, things that reminded me of you... I thought you might like to know what I really think."

And Kaveh noticed the red that began to spread across Alhaitham's cheekbones and didn't know what to say.

He... wasn't angry?

Alhaitham waited, but getting no response, he said, "Or I could read something to you myself since I am here already."

He randomly picked up a notebook and opened it before Kaveh could overthink it.

"Actually, I'm embarrassed to read what I wrote, so I'll read you a quote," he admitted.

And then it finished clicking in Kaveh's head.

Something that Alhaitham was embarrassed about; what kind of things did he write there?! His face lit up like fire at the possibilities that flashed through his head, and his legs might have shaken a little. But what followed was perhaps a thousand times worse than he could ever imagine.

"'You are part of my existence, part of myself'." A single sentence left him frozen, caught in his words. "'You have been in every line I have ever read, since I first came here, the rough common boy whose poor heart you wounded even then.'"

Ah, of course he had.

"There's no need..." He tried to say, but Alhaitham went on.

"'You have been in every prospect I have ever seen since—on the river, on the sails of the ships, on the marshes, in the clouds, in the light, in the darkn—'"

"That's it!" The blush only increased, and this time he covered his mouth with his hands.

It was sad. It was beautiful.

How could he have told that man that he didn't remember him? If he was serious, all the words on those pages were proof that he hadn't stopped thinking about him.

He felt his hand being licked, the feeling went straight down where it shouldn't, and he pulled them away instantly.

"W-what are you doing?!" He cried, pressing his hands to his chest, "It's dirty!"

"There's nothing about you that's dirty."

"I swear there is!," he shouted and covered his face so that Alhaitham would stop looking at him with the attention he would pay to the most precious of things.

There was a sound of pages turning.

"I like this one."

Kaveh growled, he didn't want to hear anymore!

"In vain I have struggled. It will not do. My feelings will not be repressed. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you."

And his heart stopped in the silence that followed, when he felt Alhaitham's hands on his, taking them away from his face. He did not let go, he said no more. It was as if the world existed only for the two of them, for the warmth of their hands together and for eyes that sought to express so much more than they would be able to read. It was kind of scary.

In the end, it was Kaveh who broke the silence. His voice trembled a little as he asked:

"...What do you mean?"

Alhaitham opened his mouth and then closed it again, as if afraid to speak.

The anticipation only stoked Kaveh's anxiety. Had he got it right? Oh, if he had misunderstood, he'd rather he shut up and just let it stay that way forever.

"Actually—"

"I love you, Kaveh."

And the world stopped a little, turned a little, shimmered a little.

Kaveh's whole body still ached, he was a mess, and his mind struggled. Those words he never expected to hear in his life were like a train wreck.

"Are you sure?," he asked, letting go of Alhaitham's hand to flatten his hair a little.

He must have smelled bad too because he had slept on the floor. He lowered his arms as his face caught fire.

"C-can't you pick a better time?" He looked away, not knowing where to look, and held back the urge to cover his face. "The way I am now, you couldn't love me, could you?"

"I'm not much better either. I've been looking for you for hours now," answered his junior as if playing it down.

"Really?"

Ah, if only his heart would stop beating in his ear. Or if he could stop admiring Alhaitham, who barely had a hair out of place, whose sweat only added to his luster, who could only be the most beautiful person he'd ever seen.

"Kaveh." Alhaitham's hands caught his face, and with his thumb, he began to trace his cheek sweetly, burning his brain.

"I said horrible things, how would you love me still?"

What was he saying! No, what if Alhaitham regretted it!

He sought Alhaitham's gaze, and this time he could put a name to the feeling he had failed to identify before.

Wasn't it simple, flat adoration?

He was speechless.

"Kaveh, if I do not love you, there is no love in this world," he said as he always spoke the truth: as a fact. The sky was blue, he loved books, and Kaveh was the only thing he could see. "I haven't stopped loving you since the first time I saw you, and I won't stop loving you when everything we create disappears and words cease to have meaning."

How could someone destroy you with such sweet words? He began to tremble in the middle of his words, tears gathered in his eyes, and he couldn't help but grimace trying to hold them back. He must have looked so stupid, but Alhaitham, who to him was nothing but the sculpture of perfection, kept looking at him as if he was his world and his stars.

"I'm sorry," he managed to say.

‘For treating you wrong, for pushing you away again and again, for hurting us both.’

Alhaitham leaned forward, the sweetest of smiles on his lips, and now it was all he could see, all he could feel, all he could think about.

"Don't."

"I hurt you."

He couldn't help it anymore, a tear fell from his eyes, and more followed, burning as they came out. Alhaitham wiped them away for him.

"It hurts more not to have you."

Kaveh had felt it too, years when he dared not admit how much he missed this man when he could only get his attention through their discussions in academic journals, debates he treasured as if they were a confession of love.

This was his confession of love.

"I love you," he cried.

"I love you too."

It didn’t hurt. It felt good, real, and he wondered how he had ever questioned the sincerity of those words.

He closed his eyes as Alhaitham stepped forward, their breaths mingling the moment their lips brushed. And they were the same lips, but now that he had understood the love in his kiss, the feeling was completely different. Refreshing, pleasurable, lovely, gen—

"MMNNGHHHHGH!!!!," a gagging scream interrupted his thoughts.

When Alhaitham feigned insanity and continued kissing him, it was Kaveh's turn to break away against his will. If he was flushed before, when he turned to the treasure hoarders, he might as well have had his face on fire.

They had their backs to each other, hands on each other's ropes. They were evidently trying to untie themselves, for the boss, who let out the scream when he saw them, looked away playing dumb the instant they both turned toward them.

Now he really wanted to disappear.

This time, he didn't stop Alhaitham as he went to kick them. Then he returned to Kaveh's side, clearing his throat.

"Shall we tie them to a tree and go back home?"

Kaveh no longer knew whether to laugh or cry.

"Let's take them to the guards and..." It was strange to say it after everything that had happened in the past few days, but he did, "Let's go home."

"Mmn."

Chapter Text

Alhaitham felt as if he had reached a new level of Celestia.

He could not but glance at Kaveh every chance he got to make sure he was still there and real (years of imagining might well have manifested into an extended hallucination). Each time his heart leaped with joy to find him by his side. If he weren't real, he wouldn't mind leaving reality to have Kaveh by his side, a Kaveh who had said he loved him. And he already knew that, but at the same time, he didn't. He hoped so, but he was afraid that one day he would hurt Kaveh by accident and he would never be able to hear it. And once he feared he would go the rest of his life without ever hearing a word from his lips again. Hearing it at last simply made him silly.

The sun was just beginning to reach the city, covered by the big tree, and hardly anyone was on the street. It had only been a few hours since he had taken Kaveh out of the tavern, but what was between them now was nothing like that moment. It had been a month since they had met again, but it didn't feel rushed. Not for two idiots who had been waiting a lifetime to get together.

They were both a mess after the crazy hours they'd spent, but there, in the quiet streets, letting their hands brush playfully but not quite take, they couldn't have been more delighted.

When they reached home, Kaveh stepped forward to say:

"Why don't you take a bath first?"

Alhaitham frowned. Kaveh usually took longer to bathe, but he was aware that he now had to attend to his bruises carefully. He must have thought that Alhaitham would want to go to sleep and wanted to take his time. Too bad for him, it turned out that sleep hadn't crossed his mind all night, let alone now that he feared Kaveh would disappear if he turned over.

He thought fast.

"Don't you want to talk?" He asked then, certain that Kaveh would have questions at this point. "And your bruises need to be treated."

"Ah! Yes, but..."

"Let's bathe together," he suggested, not letting him excuse himself. "I'll help you."

"Huh?"

Alhaitham didn't allow himself to admire how Kaveh's face turned an adorable red and grabbed him by the hand to drag him into the bathroom before he could process anything.

"HUUHH????"

A little while later, they found themselves tucked into the bathtub. They were a little tight, but Alhaitham didn't mind. In fact, he enjoyed being pressed up against Kaveh like this. He loved this kind of intimacy so much, the kind where they let each other go for each other, and that was why he knew he loved Kaveh.

Rage could seep in again when he saw the hints of bruises on Kaveh's back, but his touch when he rubbed his skin to clean it and leave traces of kisses near his neck was as gentle as ever. He patiently helped him pull the grass out of his hair and then began to lather him up. He was at it when his senior spoke again:

"So you do care for me?"

There he went again.

Alhaitham was already expecting it, so he continued to pull the grass out of his hair as he replied.

"I care about you a lot."

He cared more than his life and more than anyone else's life. Alhaitham loved the world as much as anyone else, but if a few months ago someone had proven to him that he could have Kaveh back if he burned everything to ashes, could he refuse even knowing that Kaveh would hate him?

"You don't have to lie to me just because I told you I love you; you know that, don't you?"

He couldn't see Kaveh's face, but from his tone, Alhaitham knew that no matter what he said, he was saying it because he expected him to refute it. Of course, he pleased him.

"I literally said it first." A smile crept onto his lips. "How do I know you're not lying to me because you're so altruistic that you can't abandon your poor junior in his forties who has no one else in his life because he's been waiting for his senior for twelve years?"

In his own way.

Kaveh gasped, and Alhaitham could see well enough how his ears and shoulders reddened.

"You—!! I would never do such a thing!," he complained, visibly flustered.

Taking advantage of the fact that he was done with his hair, Kaveh turned to him, ready to protest head-on. With a frown on his face and his mouth in a small pout, Alhaitham couldn't think of anything but adorable. He didn't give him time.

"Then why would I, whom you openly call selfish?" He reached out and grabbed him by the chin, slowly stroking his cheek with his thumb. "Your logic is a bit flawed, dear."

He was a fool for Kaveh's whole, so he was a fool for the way his eyebrows rose, and his mouth opened in surprise at the last word, only to then purse his lips in frustration. How his cheeks barely puffed out was stronger than him. He leaned forward, making out with Kaveh, trapped his waist between his legs to then meet his lips. He didn't dare anything more than a brush for fear of hurting Kaveh, but when he pulled away just enough to get a good look at him, the other didn't try to avoid his gaze even though he was still flushed.

"Can I ask you something?"

"That's already a question, but yes, you can ask again."

Kaveh snorted and pinched his cheek, though a smile came across his face.

"Don't be like that with someone who can crush your balls before you get to have your first time."

"Who said I didn't have it?"

"Did you?" There was a slight tinge of disappointment in his ruby eyes.

"No," he admitted quickly, only for that disappointment to turn to disbelief. He excused himself, "It's not my fault that a certain beautiful, smart, good person took everything from me when I was just a poor kid and wouldn't let me think about anyone else for the rest of my life."

Kaveh couldn't take it anymore. He slapped him in the face and shouted as if to cover his voice.

Alhaitham didn't hold back any longer either and let out a laugh. His senior paused only to hear him laugh, smiling through his embarrassment.

"And you?," Alhaitham returned the question, "As a senior, I suppose you'd know a thing or two."

The nerves in Kaveh's eyes gave him away.

"Well, I read things..."

Alhaitham couldn't help but smile. It's not like it would have bothered him that Kaveh had experience, but he could only be happy that he didn't either.

"Hmm, then I guess you can teach me," he blurted out provocatively, taking a lock of his hair to twirl it around his fingers.

Kaveh's eyes widened, but a second later, he grabbed the back of his neck and wrapped him in a kiss.

It turned out that they ignited each other as easily as a wick dipped in alcohol to flames. Alhaitham thought it was funny because when he was like this with him, exploring each other's mouths and struggling to get as close as they could, he ran out of oxygen very easily.

Then he went to stroke Kaveh's back, and a whimper escaped him. He pulled away in spite of himself, both of them short of breath and their faces flushed with excitement.

"It's okay," Kaveh gasped and looked embarrassed as if it was his fault.

"No, I don't want to hurt you," Alhaitham refused, trying to control his breathing and hands. "So that was the question? What curious things you have in your head," he continued with the theme to distract them both.

"Of course, it wasn't the question," his senior grumbled, visibly disappointed.

Alhaitham didn't let him think about it too much. He picked up the hand Kaveh was pulling away with his own and rested his cheek on it, tilting his head to look at him gently.

"Enlighten me."

"You..." He inhaled and exhaled to calm his breathing, then asked in all seriousness, "How much do you love me?"

The question took him by surprise. He hadn't expected him to get up the nerve to ask something like that, but that man always found a way to catch him off guard. Kaveh still looked anxious, but this time it wasn't out of fear but because he wanted to know the answer. And he looked lovely with wet blond hair surrounding his red face and ruby eyes bright with anticipation.

The answer came as naturally to him as breathing.

"I could marry you right now."

Kaveh's eyes widened for a moment, then he laughed. It was so obvious he couldn't believe it.

"We're naked."

"Then let's get dressed."

Kaveh: ?

Alhaitham reached for the towel and wrapped it around his head.

"Let's get dressed."

They say that the decisions we make quickly are the right decisions sixty percent of the time, while the ones we think carefully are the right decisions seventy percent of the time. Alhaitham couldn't agree more. The more he thought about it, the more arguments he could think of to stop beating around the bush and just do it.

He grabbed Kaveh and tucked him into his bed. Though his senior fell asleep in no time from exhaustion, Alhaitham stared at him for a long while, taking in the reality until sleep enveloped him.

Kaveh awoke mid-morning, and so did Alhaitham, who did not let the movement pass.

Having slept on it, he was sure of it. If he didn't do it now, what was the point of having waited all that time?

"Kaveh, shall we go out for a moment?" He asked, watching him sipping a coffee, sounding rather casual for the way his heart was about to explode.

"Mm, I'm tired," he mumbled, half-asleep. "What for?" He took a distracted sip of his coffee.

"To get married."

Kaveh spat it all out.

Chapter Text

Kaveh found a way to ask the same two questions over and over again all the way to the register. "What?" and "Are you kidding me?" So Alhaitham didn't bother to make up different answers either. "I want to marry you," and "no," he repeated as well.

Kaveh's head was a mess. He was surprised (in a good and nervous way at the same time) when his junior said he would marry him and pulled him out of the tub suddenly. However, after he put him to bed, Kaveh ended up thinking he was just kidding. It was true that even in Alhaitham's arms, he had felt somewhat disappointed (well, very disappointed, that's not something to joke about!). However, when he woke up, he thought they would still be fine like this. They didn't need any paper to prove they loved each other, right? Right?

Well, when the scribe came and with all the seriousness in the world and asked to marry them, no one dared say a word, and they were handed the papers Kaveh just thought they didn't need (which he was actually ashamed to think that yes, he did want them). Then Alhaitham signed them and turned to him, handing him the pen with the same stoic expression as always, and Kaveh didn't know whether to kiss him or hit him.

Kaveh could no longer even feel the pain in his body through the dizziness of his emotions. He picked up the pen but did not sign yet, turning to Alhaitham for the thousandth time.

"Are you sure?"

Well, at least he got a different question.

He'd like to stop asking the same thing. He'd love not to feel every time he asked that Alhaitham would change his mind at that moment because of how annoying it was to have his love questioned every five seconds. As if his signature wasn't already on the papers, which were just waiting for Kaveh's confirmation to become official. But Alhaitham was patient.

"I don't plan to fall in love with anyone else, do you?"

In his own way.

"But now?"

Kaveh was a romantic, and yet he never imagined that one day he might find someone who would be willing to marry him. Nor that he would be so willing to accept without a second thought. If he had imagined it, he wouldn't have seen just the two of them in front of the papers, casually dressed and just woken up after a night of uncontrolled emotions. All in all, already there, it didn't bother him.

He just wished his heart wasn't about to burst out of his chest from all the emotions swirling inside him.

"What better time than now?" Alhaitham answered as quick as ever to refute him. "Your poor junior is about to be forty years old and single, will you allow it? Ah, though legally you are already over forty and still single. I'll do you the favor of marrying you."

And the fucker had the nerve to talk nonsense with the most serious face in the world while his teal eyes searched his, bright and expectant. As if an affirmation was what he wanted most in the world.

And Kaveh was weak.

"Uughh!" he growled and, taking the papers, announced nonchalantly, "Let it be known that I don't plan to divorce! Never! Not even if you beg me to!"

Alhaitham made the sweetest smile in the world as he said, "I think the same."

He felt he could die of happiness at that moment, and nothing else would have ever mattered. The papers were signed and Kaveh didn't even hold back when Alhaitham, in front of the officers, reached around his waist and sought his lips.

-

Kaveh practically ran over Alhaitham to get them home fast.

They had only one matter pending.

As soon as the door closed behind them, Kaveh imprisoned Alhaitham against the wall. He slid his leg between the younger's, his husband's, brushing against his crotch. Alhaitham opened his eyes wide, and the situation was as familiar as it was unfamiliar. For him, it had only been so much more than a month, though too much had happened in between, yet for his husband, it had been tens of months, thousands of nights.

This time, at least at that moment, he was not afraid.

Alhaitham's hands came down, framing his waist, and stopped on his ass.

However.

"I don't think we should."

A vein popped on his forehead, but he refused to move.

"I'm going to start to think you don't really want to if you keep cockblocking me. If you don't..."

"It's not that. You're injured," the voice of reason spoke, though his hands didn't leave Kaveh's ass either.

"And sex is good for pain relief!" Kaveh argued, leaning closer to keep him from running away, though his husband didn't seem too interested in that either. "If you're going to avoid me on our wedding day, I swear—"

He didn't get to finish his threat, for Alhaitham ate his words.

Their teeth clashed together when his husband charged at him, but they didn't mind it, opening their mouths to welcome each other. Kaveh hugged Alhaitham by the neck, and Alhaitham's hands pressed tighter on his ass, pulling him closer together as their lips moved in sync, taking their breaths away.

Alhaitham didn't allow him to leave his lips. He bit them and grabbed his head to keep them together. The senior could only moan, unable to say anything other than "—tham". When Kaveh was at his last breath, he finally pulled away. He couldn't even complain as he panted, truly hard now.

Alhaitham wasn't any better really; his eyes were red with arousal.

"You won't... force yourself... okay?" he said between breaths.

What did he even mean... That was totally forcing him, okay?!

He didn't say that, though. To take Alhaitham, he would agree to whatever he wanted. He nodded excitedly.

Then Alhaitham grabbed him by his thighs and raised him to wrap his legs around him. His kiss wasn't that hard on him this time as he carried him to his bed, so Kaveh tried looking for the friction of their crotches together, incredibly turned on by how his husband's pants became way tighter against his.

The room door was basically slammed open, and Alhaitham crashed into it like his legs were failing him, just to stagger to the bed. He was sweet when he laid him down in bed, and Kaveh's back didn't suffer against the soft mattress, so he didn't pay it any mind and instead eased his hold on Alhaitham to start aggressively touching his abs. His husband had to ease their kisses to groan when Kaveh squeezed his boobs, and it was the most satisfying thing ever.

Kaveh didn't say it before, but now...

"I want you," he whispered to Alhaitham's breath. "I need you inside."

That annoying man still managed to shake his head, and Kaveh wanted to punch him.

"I won't be able to hold back." His brows were down like it was painful for him to restrain himself.

Kaveh appreciated that Alhaitham wanted to take care of him and everything. Still, he also wanted to be turned into a crying mess until he forgot his name (because of horny reasons this time). He smiled sweetly.

"Haithoomi." He pinched both his nipples at the same time, and Alhaitham gasped. "Fuck you."

When his husband's teal eyes looked for his this time, they were burning red. A tense smirk adorned his lips.

"Fuck me yourself."

Oh, that went straight to Kaveh's dick.

“Wha—”

At that moment, Alhaitham got up, and Kaveh reflexively grabbed his arm. The man grinned teasingly at his grip, and Kaveh instantly released it, though his husband grabbed his hand back, intertwining their fingers intimately.

“Don’t worry, I wouldn’t leave my husband alone on our wedding day.”

Damn, if it didn’t provoke things in his body and mind to listen to Alhaitham call him his. His face flushed red and he covered it with his other hand.

“Fuck you,” he muttered again.

Alhaitham hummed, raised Kaveh's hand to his lips, and, contrary to what he expected, he licked in between his fingers. Kaveh’s whole body shivered while his cock twitched again, and it was… what the hell.

“I’m on it.” Then, he freed his hand and stood up. “Take off your shoes.”

“You…”

Even if he seemed to complain, Kaveh didn’t even mind the order at that point. He sat to take off his shoes in a single movement. He didn’t have a chance to properly get dressed when they went out, but for what Alhaitham helped him put in when he was freaking out, so he didn’t even have his earrings to take out. He got married without even wearing his earrings! If he didn’t love Alhaitham that much, he would have buried him alive for such an unromantic proposal and wedding.

He looked at his man’s back as he took off his shoes and opened a drawer on the side of the room. A broad back that was always there for him to rely on. That’s when he allowed himself to think about it. They got married. Alhaitham said he loved him. That man was his husband now.

He had to hold back the tears for a moment, then Alhaitham turned back with a lube bottle in one hand and a fucking dildo in the other, and the tears rolled back in.

“What is that for now?,” he asked in a faint voice.

Alhaitham got into bed, crawling over him as he pushed him back down. Alhaitham sat on his crotch, and he was heavy but Kaveh couldn’t care less with the way the shape of his ass felt over him on those tight pants. And Kaveh’s mind could only run at one thousand kilometers per second to try to figure out a different possibility of what his junior meant because there was no way it was what he was thinking…

Alhaitham raised the dildo for Kaveh to look at. “Fucking you.” Next, the lube. “Fucking me.”

Fuck, there was way.

Kaveh had to swallow saliva for it not to drool out of his mouth wide open.

“Are you kidding me?” rolled out of his mouth as usual.

Alhaitham puffed at him.

“Unless you don’t want to.”

“No! I want to!” Ok, maybe he sounded a bit too desperate, the way Alhaitham’s eyes shined, so he cleared his throat. “I mean, is it okay—? You… it’s not easy? And you have a dildo too. Just. What?”

He had never seen Alhaitham smile so much without feeling like he was making fun of him, yet he couldn’t blame him this time.

“I also read. A lot. Much more than you. And this is mine, but since what’s mine is yours and vice versa, I’ll gladly share it with you.”

Kaveh: …

“So you want me to use your dildo while I fuck you.”

“Well, I’m going to fuck myself into you while you make a pretty pillow princess so you don’t get hurt, but basically, yes,” Alhaitham answered shamelessly.

Pretty. The mental image alone was enough to set him on fire, and his mind was too much of a mess already.

“I… Your dildo. It was in your ass,” Kaveh repeated, even if he was extremely interested in the idea.

“I clean it and you are fucking my ass too, darling. It’s the same thing,” Alhaitham answered so matter-of-factly it made his head clear enough to get pissed off. “I don’t think you have any more, do you? Yours would be too old to use now.”

That was true, but… wait.

“How do you know I had dildos?”

“I saw them.”

If Kaveh could, he would have blushed harder.

“You were looking through my things!”

“You disappeared for a long time. Those were my things by then, you left them in my house,” he answered without batting an eye, but the sides of his cheeks were turning red, catching Kaveh’s attention and making a thought come onto his mind.

“What happened with them?”

Alhaitham avoided his eyes and took some seconds to reply. That was all the answer he needed, even when his husband said, “I threw them.”

“No, you didn’t!” Kaveh gasped as the realization came crushing on him like lightning, bursting his chest and his dick with excitement, and he so wanted to rub against Alhaitham’s ass but he couldn’t move with his weight on him. “Did you use them? Horny bastard, did you think about me when using them?”

Alhaitham didn’t have a place to run, so he fought. He leaned over Kaveh and wasn’t shy to rub against his crotch. The friction forced a moan out of Kaveh and only stirred the fire inside him.

“Yes, I did. I wanted you to fuck me so bad but you were nowhere to be found, so what else could I do?” He was so serious when speaking and rubbing himself against Kaveh it made him crazy. “I thought if you ever came back, I’d fuck you stupid, so can we get undressed already?”

A laugh came out of Kaveh’s mouth, and he was so into this that he couldn’t believe there was a time when he believed he wouldn’t ever have Alhaitham. No, did he even have half an idea of what Alhaitham felt? Yet he was so ecstatic already. That man was his.

He almost tore off his blouse when taking it off, and so did Alhaitham with his shirt and pants, but he was way gentler when helping Kaveh get out of his pants. They threw their underwear aside. And now, Kaveh could finally see him completely in the light of day. He had before, but the feeling was totally different when they were purposefully letting each other stare than when done by accident —the senior’s mind even went on a tangent and thought that maybe Alhaitham was doing it on purpose though; there was no way he just casually got out of the bathroom half dressed when the person he loved lived in the same house, right?—. Alhaitham’s ripped abs were there for him to stare at with no shame, and despite his seemingly big shoulders, when he didn’t have all the accessories, his defined waist was more apparent, made Kaveh want to grab him and put him down to thrust into him until they were tired. Especially so when his ass was basically groping his dick now. The senior tried his best not to dig his nails into Alhaitham’s ass when grabbing him.

“I also need to prepare even if it’s a toy, so—,” Kaveh said through the nervousness and excitement that built in his chest.

“Let’s do it like this.”

Alhaitham reluctantly separated from Kaveh and lay by his side, turning to face him, gifting him the most delicious view of his ass exposed for him.

Kaveh swallowed saliva.

“Would you finger me?,” his husband asked just then. “Or are you scared you won’t be able to make me feel a thing?”

Oh, he didn’t need to be taunted now that Alhaitham’s enormous cock was hard and throbbing so close to him. He wasn’t any better either, he was so excited it hurt.

“Just give me the lube.”

Alhaitham let the liquid fill his hands and then passed the bottle to Kaveh, who was doing the same when his junior opened his legs and started playing around his hole while wrapping his other hand around his dick and. Kaveh gasped and pressed the bottle a little too much, the lube passed his hand and stained the sheets. No way, he was burning hot already, and his dick was dripping precum from all the groping. If he put his fingers in, he wouldn’t be able to stand it.

“T-that’s! If you do that, I’m gonna come…,” he dared to beg.

“Hm, but it hurts when it’s that hard, right?,” the other man said as if his wasn’t any better. “Just hurry up then.”

“You bastard—”

Alhaitham took that moment to insert a finger, and Kaveh’s breath came to a stop. He didn’t wait any more when his asshole was shrinking to take Alhaitham. He hadn’t played with it in more than a month but the sensation wasn’t any less arousing when he knew they really were Alhaitham’s fingers and not his own.

Kaveh wouldn’t let him go that easily either. He grabbed Alhaitham’s cock too and tried his best to jerk it off and not get distracted by how it throbbed and twitched under his hand while paying attention to his asshole. To his wonder and horror (because Alhaitham’s hands moved and this information did nothing to stop his dick from growing closer to orgasm), his finger came in pretty easily. Alhaitham did play with his ass when thinking about him? No, he knew it’s been twelve years and this annoyingly handsome man wouldn’t think he’d come back, but if he even had a single thought of him when masturbating… That would be very pathetic of him, and Kaveh was all in for it.

Kaveh pulled Alhaitham’s leg to put it over his shoulders so he could have a better view and squeezed a second finger in. His husband groaned and his leg tensed, but his dick twitched and Kaveh couldn’t help but feel fascinated. Then he flinched and moaned helplessly when Alhaitham suddenly thrust another finger.

So that’s what he wanted to play now?

He was too close now, moaning with Alhaitham’s hands all over his sensitive parts, but he wouldn’t lose it alone.

His fingers looked around for a bulge, and when he hit it, the man under him tensed, and Kaveh noticed how his breath halted, then he knew there was it. He started quickly rubbing it with his fingers while his hand moved up and down his husband’s dick. Their groans quickened and mixed in the air when Alhaitham realized what he was doing and started moving faster.

Soon enough, Kaveh felt the orgasm coming and forced his hand on Alhaitham’s dick to move faster. Then they both came, their cum shooting on the other’s hand and dripping on the bed. Alhaitham’s leg around Kaveh pressed him down, the arousal overcoming his body, and Kaveh found a new level of erotism in being pressed by his man’s thighs. Wow, he wished those were both thighs.

Alhaitham didn’t even mention the sheets getting dirty when sitting. Instead, he moved towards Kaveh to kiss him slowly, so they could catch breaths in between their lips and caress each other like they had all the time in the world. Maybe they did, maybe Kaveh could actually allow it this time.

“Did it feel good?,” Kaveh asked finally, caressing Alhaitham’s neck.

“Yes.” Alhaitham’s eyes were gentle, like looking at the thing he loved most in the world. “Good boy.”

Kaveh’s dick didn’t have any business twitching at those words, neither did his face flushing red.

“What about you?”

“Me too,” he admitted shily.

Alhaitham pressed their crotches together, and the shape of Kaveh’s excited length was obvious this way. “Still want to continue?”

He had the audacity to say that smugly when he wasn’t any better.

“The wedding night is meant to be until the end,” he defended himself.

“Is that so? I’ll keep it up then.”

He backed away just enough to get his hands on Kaveh’s dick and jerk it off, not taking his eyes away from Kaveh. At his gaze, his cock was happy to comply and become hard again. When Alhaitham realized he really had energy left, he puffed a laugh, and Kaveh tsked. Then he moved away to reach for the dildo, throwing lube on it.

“I’m putting it in now,” he warned, but that choice of words…

He could next press it against Kaveh’s entrance and slowly put it in. Kaveh tried to ease his breath, and he couldn’t help but moan. It was very nice when it wasn’t him putting it in, yet with the way Alhaitham’s eyes fell on him just when putting a dildo on him, he wished it was his dick and not a fucking toy. The toy wasn’t half as fulfilling as that cock of his seemed to be. Especially so when it reached its top, and Kaveh was filled, but Alhaitham refused to move it anymore.

Instead, he did something more interesting. His husband crawled on top of him and finally wrapped his dick in his hands to point upwards so it could align with his hole. The sole sight of the man high on top of him, his eyelashes lowered as he looked at Kaveh, his neck flushed red, was maddening.

“Do I really can’t move?,” Kaveh asked in a small voice, his hands already moving through Alhaitham’s legs.

“Try that and I’m leaving you blue,” Alhaitham commanded, but he wasn’t that intimidating when opening his hole to insert Kaveh's dick in himself.

Then he breathed slowly as he let himself fall over the dick while Kaveh held his breath, his eyes all over Alhaitham to record him in his mind for forever.

He allowed Alhaitham to do it at his pace, but his mind was running crazy. Alhaitham’s hole took him nicely. It was tight but not so much that it was impossible. It was just right, and Kaveh couldn’t believe it. The way his inside was wet and slippery for him. And he was full, on body and soul.

Ah, maybe there was some clarity after he came the first time after all.

Alhaitham reached the end with a groan and looked up just to see him stare back, mouth open in awe. His husband smiled sweetly while his hand casually caressed his belly like it wasn’t on purpose, but Kaveh knew this man wanted to drive him crazy and had to gulp because he did, he did.

“Is it okay?,” he asked, leaning forward to support himself with Kaveh’s chest.

“Why are you so nice when you’re the one with a dick on your ass?,” he answered.

“I’m always nice to you.”

“You—”

But when he thought about it, especially since he came back, there had never been a time when he was mean. It was only his perception. His refusal to think that Alhaitham could ever love him. A sad smile slipped on his lips.

“It’s okay.”

Alhaitham didn’t move though, his eyes opened wide, and only when his hand looked to clean his cheeks did Kaveh notice that tears had escaped his eyes. He quickly cleaned them.

“Do you still want to go on?”

“It’s just… You’re really pretty, I’m happy,” he blurted out. He already saw the man’s eyes turning confident. “If you don’t go on, I’m pinning you down myself,” he growled.

Then Alhaitham arched his eyebrows like he was interested, then in a single move, raised his hips to get up and let himself down on his dick again, making Kaveh moan and himself breathe heavily, yet his eyes were still provoking when he said, tense hand on Kaveh’s chest, “Try me, darling.”

He didn’t allow him any room to move though. He started thrusting up and down by himself, pressing down on Kaveh’s chest to keep himself steady, even if his breath was halting and his legs began shaking.

Kaveh could barely keep his mind together with his husband like this. He quickly supported him grabbing his ass, which made Alhaitham's breath cut harshly for a moment, and he closed his eyes, burrowed eyebrows like he was trying to concentrate.

Like this, right on top of him, flushed face, gritting his teeth, trying to concentrate for… what? His pacing was still slow, as if he wasn’t the one to admit he liked it rough. He was the most handsome man he had ever seen. But he should just enjoy it, shouldn’t he? Alhaitham was so eager to tell him to moan freely, but he restrained himself when he had Kaveh inside.

He didn’t ask this time.

His hand moved to Alhaitham’s back, and his husband opened his eyes to look at him. A second later, getting strength from who knows where, he got past Alhaitham’s hand on his chest and sat down. Then his husband was pushed down in bed, and Kaveh was now on top of him, legs wrapped around his waist as if trying to prevent him from leaving. He wouldn’t dare.

Alhaitham’s eyes widened.

“Kaveh—,” his tone was threatening, but how could Kaveh listen when it came out like a moan, the man panting under him?

Kaveh didn’t answer instantly but leaned over and kissed him, invading his mouth with his tongue making use of the few breaths they had left, and Alhaitham didn’t deny him that. In this position, he had to try his best to keep his asshole closed around the dildo, but he still managed to look for Alhaitham’s arms and push them, holding his wrists down.

“It’s okay,” he whispered in between kisses.

His dick throbbed and Alhaitham’s insides grew tighter around him like he wanted him. Archons, he did. Their lips parted and Kaveh leaned on Alhaitham’s shoulder, making sure he then whispered right next to his ear, “I’m okay with you.”

Alhaitham shivered, and it made Kaveh aroused to confirm that he was sensitive there. Yet he was still catching his breath as if to say something. As much as Kaveh loved his voice, he didn’t allow him to speak this time, he could barely move his hips because of how tight Alhaitham's legs were around them as if he forgot he was supposed to stop him from hurting himself, but Kaveh did move back and thrust hard at that instant. A suffocated moan escaped Alhaitham's lips. He wouldn't let him hold back those moans anymore.

“I’m—” His words broke again when Kaveh thrust in, and he wouldn’t stop this time.

They jumped up and down at the pace of the quick, regular thrusts, and both their minds became blurry.

It was all Alhaitham. Alhaitham’s wrist under his hands, Alhaitham’s shivering, sweaty body pressed to him, his dick rubbing alluringly against his stomach, his insides clinging to Kaveh's cock like it was his lifeline, his wet smell all around, his eyes that were as full of lust as his, his mouth slightly open that filled the air with groans mixing with his.

The dildo was fighting to stay inside, and at first, Kaveh tried to keep it like that. Still, it kept moving up and down, and with every thrust, it only fell more, and he couldn’t really mind anymore when he wanted to fasten the pace. That dildo was not Alhaitham, and he only wanted Alhaitham. In the end, it fell out with a wet plop sound, and that’s when he really went at it.

The thrust became faster and irregular and he felt himself right on the edge. Alhaitham’s wrists finally escaped his hands as he could barely keep himself together, not to stop him or make him go slower, but to wrap around his waist. “Fu—,” he panted, and his fingers dug into Kaveh’s lower back, but he couldn’t even finish the word with this pace.

Alhaitham seldom swore, and for him to do it then, because of Kaveh, well…

“So good,” Alhaitham moaned.

Kaveh’s mind turned blank.

His hips moved on their own, and it happened suddenly. As if getting hit by lightning, his whole body shivered and rejoiced in the sensation of coming for the second time, right inside Alhaitham. He couldn’t keep it up anymore, his arms failed him, and he landed over Alhaitham’s chest. It wasn’t in his mind to ever leave Alhaitham’s inside again, and he could barely breathe. Still, that moment, listening to his man’s heart running as crazy as his, was everything that was fine in the world.

Then Alhaitham caught his breath.

“I told you… not to move.”

“Uh… haha…”

“You ejaculated inside.”

Archons, if ejaculate wasn’t the less horny word at that moment, it cleared his mind instantly.

He forced his shaky arms to support him again, and a small, apologetic smile slid on his lips as he felt his chest turn heavy. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean…” Then he tried to pull out, and Alhaitham’s legs stopped him.

“I’m not done yet,” he stated at Kaveh’s confused eyes.

And it was true. For the first time in his life, his mind was too lost in the feeling to even remember to take care of the other person. Ok, not really, but almost there. Alhaitham was feeling good, it was evident by his body, but well, he didn’t finish. The guilty grew heavier on his heart.

“I— I can’t move anymore,” his voice was small then. He would have loved to help him, but he really couldn’t, his limbs were screaming to let go even then, and he felt the tears coming.

At that moment, Alhaitham grabbed his face and made him look him in the eyes.

“Stop it,” he commanded, which only made him shakier, so he sighed, and it came to Kaveh’s mind that he was going to leave him there for being a big crybaby, yet... “My dear being selfish, that’s a sight to behold. Then…”

In a single movement, Kaveh’s world turned and suddenly, he was on his back again, his arms released from supporting him. Alhaitham took his dick out of him, and Kaveh could see clearly how the semen lewdly dripped out. His husband didn’t let him go though. As if he was unaffected by all the exercise from just now. It was the hottest thing Kaveh had ever seen.

Alhaitham’s hand caressed his thighs and got in between his legs, his gaze fixated on it as he let his fingers roam the empty hole, his dick throbbing and big where Kaveh could see. “You let the dildo fall, so I guess there’s room for someone else now?”

It took him a few seconds to process it.

A loud laugh came out of him, and his chest felt light again. “You dare ask when you were the one who refused first?”

“I’ll assume that’s a yes.” Alhaitham let his fingers out just to place his dick on the entrance, and Kaveh had to gulp.

“…Just do it already.”

“Tell me if it hurts.”

Kaveh was about to tell him to shut up and start when, just like that, Alhaitham thrust in at his full length. His eyes turned back, and he couldn’t help the moan that came out of his lips when that big fat dick filled his asshole. His breathing halted and he reflexively fought to hold onto something. He clutched the sheets under him. Thank Archons Alhaitham didn’t move anymore, but instead, his hand casually caressed Kaveh’s thighs all the way to his dick, setting him on fire. Hot, he thought he was over it, but it was so hot again. He was going to burn down to ashes.

“You fucker,” he finally managed to spit out, looking up at the ceiling.

“Hmh, is that how you talk to your husband?” Alhaitham’s voice had that pretended calmness, but Kaveh noticed it, the way it shook with excitement while he casually jerked him off.

He wanted to cuss him out a bit more, but the only thing on his mind was

“Hot—”

His limbs trembled helplessly and his dick still somehow managed to come back to life and it was all because it was Alhaitham, Alhaitham staring at him, Alhaitham touching him, Alhaitham tearing him open. His mind was a mess because of this man.

Then Alhaitham’s hand left his dick and moved up through his stomach, his chest, and his neck until it reached his lips, and it burned. His finger brushed his lips, and Kaveh opened his mouth reflexively, then Alhaitham’s thumb entered his mouth.

“Is it a fever?”

Kaveh bit hard, but it only made Alhaitham’s dick grow more, if that was even possible. Kaveh’s face burned too.

“You remember?!”

Alhaitham smiled innocently.

“Huh? What?”

Kaveh opened his mouth to cuss, and that’s when Alhaitham pulled out just to thrust in hard again, the answer turning into a moan.

“You—”

“It doesn’t hurt, right?,” Alhaitham asked instead, leaning forward to hang over Kaveh, supporting himself with an arm while, with his other hand, he looked for Kaveh’s dick in between the two again, and Kaveh’s mind turned fuzzy again because it was all Alhaitham again. Only for him.

He barely managed to shake his head.

Scholars were right. His injuries barely hurt anymore, or else, he didn’t even notice them in the heat of the moment, so eager to pursue this feeling that threatened to completely consume him.

“Good.”

He started thrusting this time, and Kaveh left the sheets to hold onto Alhaitham. He could barely hang, but he tried, just to feel him wholly, everywhere. The lewd wet sounds filled the air along with their voices, panting and erratic, but they didn’t let go. Before he could realize it, the tears came back just by the pure arousal, and Alhaitham leaned forward to lick them, the heat was eating his brain.

“You’re ah, so perfect for me—,” he whispered to Kaveh, just like a secret, and thrust in again. “So pretty—”

He was too sensible. The compliments were just too much to bear with.

“—tham…”

Thrust.

“I— ngh, love you.”

He wanted to tell him the same, but his voice wouldn’t go out but to moan “Haitham” once and again.

Alhaitham’s teal eyes shone when their gazes met, and he was just as red and breathless as Kaveh, yet he still found it in himself to speak and his hand to move faster for him.

“My lovely senior.”

Damn it.

His body writhed in shivers when he came once again, closing around Alhaitham’s dick as if he didn’t want him to let go ever, yet his other limbs fell lifeless. The pressure was too much for Alhaitham too, who came right there, and the electricity but flow in between them when the hot cum filling his ass melted his brain. It had finally gotten to him because he let himself rest over Kaveh, so he could feel his chest running wild over him, but…

“Can’t… breathe,” Kaveh choked out.

Alhaitham almost choked as well, letting out a half-hearted laugh, but he got up again and reluctantly climbed out of him to drop beside him. Their hands met in the middle, intertwining weakly as they caught their breath and looked up at the ceiling. Kaveh wondered if Alhaitham would think the same as he did. Could he take the way his thumb even now stroked his hand as a yes?

As the heat began to disperse, the sweat evaporating with the air cleared his mind. They had ruined the sheets for sure, he felt sticky all over, his hair must have become a mess, and he smelled terrible. Glancing at Alhaitham, he only felt more inadequate, as the sweat only made him look shinier, the way his bangs were sticking to his face made him want to kiss him.

"Shouldn't we shower now?" Again.

Alhaitham turned, leaning sideways to look at him, and Kaveh nervously moved his eyes to the mark on his neck (which didn't help much). His husband released his hand to catch a lock of hair and roll it between his fingers gently, then leaned down and deposited a short kiss on his lips.

"Just a moment," he murmured against his lips, eyes closed.

And Kaveh's heart skipped again.

The familiarity of Alhaitham's warmth on him, how he wanted to stay by his side even when it was all over, and the fire had gone out to leave behind two disasters. That was it. What he had not dared to seek on his own. And Alhaitham said he had wanted it too, for who knows how long. At least for that moment, he could accept it without questioning what could have been.

-

After bathing for the second time in the day, Kaveh managed not to fall asleep again and instead panicked as they sipped coffee sprawled on the couch.

"We're married, just like that!"

"Hmm," Alhaitham nodded, and a smile crept up the side of the cup he was drinking from. He had the nerve to be proud!

"Tighnari and Cyno are going to kill me! Or well, ah, come to think of it, they already knew, didn't they, and they never said anything to me!"

Alhaitham looked away, and it was so obvious to Kaveh now —his own friends! Well, it's not like they hadn't dropped hints here and there, it's just that he was too dense to take them.

"Would you have preferred a wedding with hundreds of guests, dinner, and dancing?" Alhaitham asked before he could complain any further. "We can still do it. We don't have to follow the order."

Kaveh couldn't complain anymore on that side then. Truth be told, he wasn't the kind of guy who liked to draw too much attention to himself, and he'd been doing that for a while now. Not to mention that, well, those at the register had surely already spread the word about how the scribe arrived with the famous architect who came back from the dead to marry without notice. If he wanted to celebrate, he preferred something with just his friends. Something where they would wear suits because he was dying to see Alhaitham in one.

"No," he admitted, "but my mom sure would."

After all, she had done a wedding like people usually did and invited him a few years ago, but he hadn't ever had time to tell her about it.

"I don't think she'll have a problem, as long as you're happy," Alhaitham said as if it were obvious, but his hand casually ran down his leg in a reassuring gesture.

Kaveh looked at him, the way he looked like he wasn't paying attention to him as he sipped his coffee, yet still took the time to listen to his drama and give him sidelong glances.

"Before we got back, she said you cared about me," he blurted out.

Alhaitham lowered the cup, their eyes meeting directly this time.

"She's right."

Kaveh's heart jumped.

"At the time, I didn't believe her."

Alhaitham's eyes widened with interest.

"And now?"

Kaveh let his hand walk down Alhaitham's arm, enjoying how he tensed at his touch.

"I might as well start doing it if you're nice to me." He smiled.

Alhaitham lowered the cup in one motion, and then he was on top of Kaveh, wrapping his waist and pulling him to himself to kiss him. Soft, slow, savoring him like he was the most delicious sweet you never wanted to end. Kaveh melted right there.

Unfortunately, they had to pull apart, and Kaveh found that Alhaitham's ears were pink.

"I have something for you," he said, "wait a moment."

A second later, he returned from his room and knelt on the floor, his hands clasped over something with a gaze full of adoration. Kaveh couldn't help it if his heart started beating like crazy even though, Archons, they were already married.

"What are you doing? Don't scare me like that," he then asked, and the nervousness was so evident in his voice that Alhaitham smiled.

He opened his hands and revealed that inside rested a small box that, although it looked old and a bit worn, it was obvious that someone had been taking great care of it. Opening it revealed an unadorned, ordinary white ring, but a ring nonetheless. Kaveh's heart leaped to his ears, and he could feel his face begin to burn all over.

"This is my grandmother's ring. She once told me that, if I wanted, I could give it to the person I love. I'm sure she would agree to this." And his tone this time was not flat, there was a certain emotion that made his lips tremble a little and his eyes sparkle. "Kaveh, would you accept my love?"

Ah, shit, his eyes were watering again.

Would he? Those last few hours, he felt that maybe it was okay, maybe he could take it, and it was okay if he wanted and accepted to be loved. But he knew how he was, he knew he would come back to worry him again and again and maybe even hurt him. That terrified him, and yet, in the end, he loved him too much to let go.

He reached out his hand timidly, anxious about the future ahead of them. He couldn't say it would always be a yes, but...

"I'll try," he promised with conviction.

Alhaitham took it, and the ring fit surprisingly well on his finger. Not the engagement finger, the wedding finger. Then he got up to kiss him once more, and it felt good. Right. Like this is the place they had to be in for the rest of their lives.

"Where did the romantic thing come from?," Kaveh asked a moment later as Alhaitham wiped away his tears.

"I thought you would like it. I even had the ring adjusted, did you like it?"

How long had this moment been on this man's mind?

"...I loved it."

They smiled together, and Alhaitham stroked the finger where he now had the ring with his thumb.

"I hope you see it and remember that there is someone who loves you and needs you, and take care of yourself as much as I would take care of you. I..." he paused for a moment, his gaze serious. "I couldn't bear it if anything happened to you again."

Ah, really! His heart was already going to burst out of his chest with so many attacks! But he wasn't going to complain!

He raised his eyebrows.

"Hey, but you survived twelve years without me just fine," he said mockingly.

"I didn't," Alhaitham cut him off.

"Huh?"

"I didn't live a day without you. Not really."

The tears came again, and he wrapped his arms around Alhaitham's neck to kiss him. Long and hard, just so maybe he could express to him how much he loved him, how much he cared, how much he wanted this to work and for them to never have to live without each other again.

Alhaitham's face was also stained with his tears, but he did not complain.

"I have something else for you," he announced.

Kaveh growled.

"Please, no more..."

"No, it's important."

"What is it?" Kaveh asked despite his heart that couldn't take it anymore.

"There's this thing called therapy..."