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It starts around a week before Kansas City.
It’s dark, and they’ve made camp in amongst tall trees that tower off into the sky. They can barely even make out the stars, a fact that Joel has been made aware of several times over, already.
If he had to guess, he’d say it was sometime before midnight, which doesn’t sound that awful until he thinks about what time they’d be leaving again in the morning. Not that he should expect anything less than sleep deprivation these days. Maybe it was just that he didn’t want to admit that he wasn’t concerned for himself, as such.
Ellie, on the other hand…
Well.
They needed to get to Tommy as quickly as possible, and he wasn’t going to deal with a tired teenager all day tomorrow, if he could help it.
He’s keeping watch, not far from where they’d made camp. Close enough to help if she was in danger.
Close enough to hear her fucking fidgeting every couple of minutes. He gets not being able to sleep, really he does, but this kid seriously won’t quit moving around. He’s already snapped at her a couple of times in the past-hour? Half hour?- when the rustling of her sleeping bag gets too loud.
She’d only feigned being asleep once when he called her out for it, but he (however unwillingly) knows what she’s like when she’s asleep. He’s sat awake watching her for the smallest fucking twitch, that first night. Ellie doesn’t move in her sleep. She just doesn’t.
Certainly not like this, at least.
“Go to sleep.” He’d scolded at her, and she gave up the act, throwing her arms down on top of the sleeping bag and thin blanket in exasperation. “Trying.” She had grumbled back to him, like he’d said the stupidest thing she had ever heard.
“Yeah? Well try harder.” He’d snapped, turning away from her and hoping that she might actually listen to him for once.
At one point he thought she actually had fallen asleep, and had also winced when he realised he was keeping track of the noises of her moving around far more than he was listening out for danger. He’d almost sighed in relief, but then another minute passed and there was the tell-tale rustling sound of her turning over again.
It goes on for a while. He’s sure that she must be annoyed at not being able to sleep as well, but Christ. He ends up sighing in frustration, spinning around to face her and walking up to their camp.
“What’s wrong?” He asks pointedly, and she’s fucking lucky he doesn’t react to the scowl she sends his way.
“I can’t get comfortable!” She exclaims defensively, lacking any sheepishness that she should absolutely be showing.
“Christ” Joel breathes, looking around at their surroundings to avoid looking at Ellie. Maybe if she could stop reminding him of how goddamn young she was, this might be easier. If she could stop doing and saying things that practically shouted that no matter the mouth on her, she’s still just a fucking kid. “What? Need me to tuck you in?” He asks roughly, turning back to face her.
“You’re gonna fucking what?” Ellie exclaims, looking at him like he’s grown another head.
Now, it’s purely a mistake on Joel’s part. Clearly this is something that Ellie has not heard of before, let alone experienced. Should it surprise him? Probably not, she’s a FEDRA kid, after all.
But still. He’s instinctively shocked that there’s a child right in front of him who doesn’t even know what it means to get tucked in for fucks sake. Shocked, and in disbelief.
And in that disbelief, what he means to say is ‘You don’t know what it means to be tucked in?’
What he actually says is,
“You’ve never been tucked in before?”
And to his annoyance, the words hold far less snark than he was intending.
And sure, maybe those two questions weren’t that different from each other, but to someone who was a father, and to someone who had clearly never had any semblance of childhood before, one of those questions had something of an invitation to it. An offer.
Something he had definitely not intended to make. In fact, something he had actively been trying to avoid.
Something he’d been doing a damn good job of until now, it seems.
Joel swallows thickly, only then realising that his thumb had been tracing the face of his broken watch. He hopes Ellie can’t read between the lines, for his sake.
She shrugs defensively. He thinks that’s something she does to try and hide her insecurities, but that’s another train of thought that he’s also been doing his best to avoid thinking about too deeply. “Okay then asshole, when the fuck do you think I would have been tucked in? The fuck does that mean?” She spits out, scrunching up her nose and having the audacity to look at him like he’s being the weird one.
Joel sighs, shakes his head. “Don’t worry about it-”
“Oh, come on, Joel.”
How did he get here? How did he go from scrounging up ration cards one week to explaining what being tucked in meant to some kid he was smuggling for the fucking fireflies, the next? He sighs, clears his throat, tries to look as emotionally unavailable as he can from this fucking conversation.
“It’s where someone kind of just tucks your blanket up to your shou- Forget about it, Ellie.” He cuts himself off as he watches Ellie’s arms fly around as she tries to replicate what he’s saying, somehow getting it horrendously wrong. Based on the way her hands are twisting this way and that, and her look of defensive confusion (a pointed glare sent directly at him when she accidentally hits herself), he can see that verbal instructions aren’t really her thing. Great.
He doesn’t say anything for a few more seconds while he watches her lay the thin blanket over herself once more, mumbling a ‘what the fuck? This can’t be it’ under her breath.
Is he really doing this?
The voice in the back of his head is saying no.
No, no, no, no.
But he ends up walking up towards her anyway.
She stops her fiddling then, as he crouches beside her, setting his rifle down gently on the ground next to him.
He pretends his heart rate is at a normal speed, and raises an eyebrow at Ellie expectantly, holding his hand out slightly. Like he’s completely in control, and not being bested by a fourteen year old. She looks him up and down cautiously, before she hesitantly hands him the corner of the blanket she’d been holding. It’s one of very few instances that he’s seen her so… Timid. Fucking hell, kid, he thinks.
He nods his head in silent thanks as he grabs hold of the blanket. It’s thin, and by no means is it the best kind of blanket to do this with, but Joel’s already shouting at himself for doing this at all, so Ellie’s just going to take what she can get as far as this goes.
He clears his throat and gently, too gently, he lays the blanket out over the top of Ellie, who watches with silent fascination.
He has to look away from her expression, or else she’s going to see right through him. Right through to the voice that’s saying you’re going to get this girl killed. You’re going to do it again.
She stays blessedly still as he does it, though, and that had been the thing that got him in this spot anyway, right?
It’s a little awkward, leaning closer to her so he can properly tuck the blanket around her shoulders. He may be out of practise, but he’s not going to half ass tucking a kid in, especially when they’ve got so little to work with. She’s slightly tense, but she still has this little look of childlike fascination that he has to stifle a laugh at.
It’s not funny that she’s never gotten this type of care before, not at all.
But it is a little funny that this fourteen year old girl is looking at him like he’s just performed fucking magic. Just a little.
“Well,” Ellie breaks the silence awkwardly, as Joel leans back on his heels. “I can confidently say that no, I have not been tucked in before.” Her usual, playful inflections back in her voice.
Joel hums in response. “Keeps the monsters away.” He tells her, deadpan.
Inwardly, he’s cursing himself. Why the hell is he digging himself a deeper grave with this? It doesn’t matter if all he’s doing is poking fun at her slightly, he’s still giving the impression that any of this is okay.
She’s not supposed to be a kid. He’s not supposed to be a person. Not someone with a past, not someone with a future.
He’s just supposed to be a smuggler who is transporting cargo.
Because he doesn’t know if either of them are going to survive this trip if they’re anything else.
“Cool.” Ellie says, quietly. Small but genuine smile on her face, eyes bright, even in the darkness of the forest.
Joel has to stand up then. Can’t bear it a second longer. He clears his throat again as he bends down to pick the rifle back up. “Better be, cause I’m never doing it again.”
Don’t you dare get attached.
It’s hard to know just which one of them he’s thinking about, then.
“Joel?” He hears as he begins walking back over to where he was keeping watch. Instantly, as if he’d been listening to absolutely none of his own internal scolding, Joel spins around, completely and utterly focused on Ellie.
She looks a little funny, just a little, he’ll admit. With the way she’s done her best to barely move an inch, making sure not to undo any of Joel’s blanket magic. But she also looks something close to content, and he’d be damned if anything else were to ruin that for her.
“Yeah?” He replies quietly.
Softly, too softly.
“Thanks.” She says, so honestly, he feels a pit form in his stomach.
He fights to swallow down the words ‘any time’.
Instead, he takes a deep breath, watches her for a second longer. Makes sure he doesn’t do anything stupid. He nods, unsure if she can even see him properly. “Go to sleep, kid.”
When she doesn’t reply, he turns back around, keeps watching, keeps listening. Ellie doesn’t fidget again.
When morning comes, Joel lets her sleep in, just a little bit longer than he normally would.
And if his heart aches when he sees her in the morning sunlight, tucked up in her blanket and a peaceful expression on her sleeping face, well…
Only he would have to know.