Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

everything starts off as a joke, which is exactly what jaehyun tried to convince himself. the fact that he was spread out on a bed for another man was merely just a joke. everything he did was just for the laughs, but it’s not like he would ever tell anyone about this joke no matter the amount of shit or giggles he’d get out of this. you couldn’t even put a gun to jaehyun’s forehead to get this information out of him.

for starters, jaehyun was in his junior year of college, serving as the basketball team captain. they secured the biggest win in the season. his friends johnny and yuta suggested they should head out to celebrate, and yuta mentioned he knew a spot, which explains how they ended up in a gay bar.

now, jaehyun wasn't one to judge others for their preferences, but he was perfectly comfortable with his own heterosexuality. nonetheless, he couldn't stop feeling a bit out of place in that venue. johnny, always quick to notice things, saw jaehyun's unease and kept telling him to just relax, try something different. jaehyun wasn't the type to be spoil fun, and it was pretty rare for someone as popular as him to not show up for every big party.

jaehyun's popularity didn't come from his athletic skills but more from his reputation as a player—man whore would've been more accurate—who slept around with lots of girls. he felt restricted in relationships, always seeking independence, which is why he struggled with commitment to anything serious and long-term. in his past, he felt like he couldn't meet the expectations of his girlfriends, and he failed to provide comfortability and ease. almost every breakup ended in heated arguments, with him staying silent as his exes threw angry words at him. jaehyun didn't know what exactly what was wrong with him, but he knew there must have some deep-seated psychological issue.

jaehyun couldn’t trust the people he would date, there was always this nagging thought in the back of his mind, eating away at him: if he showed any vulnerability, would people take advantage of it? would he end up getting hurt if he didn't detach fast enough? his defense mechanism was self sabotaging—he believed he had to cheat on his partner before they cheated on him. he just couldn't bring himself to unconditionally trust someone else with who he was, which was why he never blamed his ex-girlfriends for leaving him.

jaehyun was currently slumped down in the booth, his head resting on the table, arms crossed, and eyes darting around the bar. he was on the lookout for any openings that would allow him to discreetly slip away. his friends were each busy with their own activities, johnny was deep into his flirting game with the bartender, while yuta was getting a lap dance from a male stripper.

jaehyun was preparing to make a bee-line straight to the exit and catch a taxi home, but then his gaze settled on a woman. her face was difficult to fully make out from his vantage point, as she was busy serving drinks to another booth on the opposite side of the bar. however, she was dressed provocatively in a latex nurse uniform. jaehyun was a little confused; after all, this was supposed to be a gay bar. what was the purpose of a woman in a bar meant for men who exclusively liked other men? but he decided not to think on it too much; at least it gave him something interesting to do.

as the waitress moved to another booth, jaehyun almost lost sight of her, but the loud couple she was attending to kept her in view. she seemed a bit annoyed, muttering something under her breath and pinching the bridge of her nose as she patiently waited for the indecisive couple to make up their minds. when they were finally done, she made her way back to the staff room.

jaehyun wasn't going to waste any more time. he quickly raised his hand to signal the waiter over. he couldn't tell if it was just him or the number of drinks he had earlier that left him feeling flustered beyond belief as the lady approached. words seemed to escape him as he tried to comprehend just how pretty she was. she had a long face, upturned lips, slanted almond eyes, curly eyelashes, and her thin, wavy black hair framed her face perfectly. she was basically his ideal type. as she drew closer, they were practically inches away from each other, and jaehyun felt like he had forgotten how to breathe.

"well, what can i help you with?" the girl asked, her voice soft.

jaehyun tilted his head forward, giving her a lazy smile. "you're really pretty, ya' know?" he slurred, because fuck it, he might as well shoot his shot. it was now or never.

she responded with a hint of annoyance, "you didn't answer my question."

jaehyun chuckled, making another terrible attempt at flirting, his intoxicated state was clearly getting in the way. "i didn't? i could've sworn i did..."

the waiter rolled her eyes and responded hastily “quit playing.” her response only seemed to make jaehyun more intrigued as a cocky smile gradually widened across his features. the things that the waiter would do to wipe that smug look off his face were endless.

“how about we get out of here and leave these homos.” jaehyun suggested with all seriousness as his speech slowed ever so slightly. this time he unexpectedly received a laugh from the waiter. she was wiping the tears that formed at the corners of her eyes as she gripped jaehyun’s shoulder with one of her hands to keep her balance.

“what… are you laughing at…?” he hadn’t told a joke and her laughter left jaehyun thoroughly confused.

“don’t tell me you’re… oh. i get it now. you’re actually serious?” jaehyun’s silence and unfazed look was enough to tell her that, yes, he was serious. her laughter died down and was quickly replaced with a playful grin. the girl mischievously sat down at the opposite side of the booth and she slid her arm across the table to intertwine her fingers with jaehyun’s hand.

“you know what? why the fuck not. my shift ends anyways in the next…” she looks up at the huge clock above the entrance door. “ten-ish minutes? i’ll see you then, that’s if you’re still interested.” jaehyun quickly nodded in agreement. the waiter got up from the booth and brushed her hand across jaehyun’s cheek as she made her way out, with that he lapsed back into silence.

Chapter Text

it took more than ten minutes, because by the time that the the waiter returned to the booth, she found jaehyun completely knocked out. she gave the table near his head a small experimental knock, hoping to wake him, but he remained unresponsive. all she could do was laugh at the sight before deciding to leave.

just as she was about to walk off, jaehyun's hand shot out, grabbing her wrist. he mumbled with his eyes still closed, "hey, sorry, i was just…” jaehyun paused to rub his eye. “a bit sleepy.”

"yeah, i kinda figured." she snorted, rubbing the bridge of her nose out of habit. jaehyun couldn't help but notice that she seemed to have a tendency to do that, a sign that she might wear glasses, but he wasn't sure.

"well, if you're tired, i'm heading home. you can come if you want," she offered with a shrug. jaehyun's lack of an immediate response and his somewhat sheepish behavior made her think he might not be interested, but she left the invitation open.

jaehyun was still a bit out of it, he struggled to comprehend the situation. but when he saw her turning around, he quickly replied, "no, no. i do want to go. sorry, i'm out of it." the taller boy immediately stood up and started hurrying to catch up to her.

the walk from the bar to her apartment wasn't too far. for reference, the bar was about a 10-minute walk from one side of the college campus, and the girl's apartment was on the opposite side. jaehyun didn’t stop to think “hey, maybe, this girl is someone from our college.” his nerves were too focused on watching her struggle to find the right key for the apartment door.

jaehyun couldn't seem to sit still, repeatedly scratching the inside of his palm and pacing around the girl. it almost felt like she found him amusing and was just toying with him for fun. jaehyun shot his head up to the sound of the door creaking open caught his attention. 

he silently praised himself for not barging into the apartment and for maintaining some manners. instead, he entered slowly after the girl, who had neatly put her shoes away. jaehyun closed the door behind him and stood awkwardly, looking to the girl for directions, but she had disappeared into the bathroom.

in all his previous hook-ups, he had always done it in the familiarity of his own room. there were very rare cases where he'd willingly had one-night stands in hotel rooms, but even then, he was free to do as he pleased and make all the mess he wanted. this was completely different, all of it was new for him. 

the girl turned on the lights in the bathroom and opened the door slightly, just enough for her head to pop through. "hey, you're kinda killing the vibe, loosen up, would you? better yet, why don't you sit over there while i wash up?" she raised her chin and pointed to the corner of the room. jaehyun watched as her eyes darted to the bed, he was a bit reluctant, but agreed, her words came off more as an demand than a suggestion. 

he hummed as he passed through the doorway and entered the bedroom. his eyes roamed over the books and papers on her desk. jaehyun didn't feel the need to turn on the main light; he was perfectly comfortable with the light of the small lamp on the desk that threaded through the dark of the room.

a few minutes passed in awkward silence before the bathroom door swung open. "what? i told you to loosen up," the girl said as she stepped out, her eyes fixed on jaehyun, who remained still, unsure of what to do. the emphasis on 'loosen up' could have been taken literally, but jaehyun still didn't catch on yet.

jaehyun still wasn't moving, uncertain about where to put his hands. "do you need a special invitation to undress, or do i have to tell you to do everything?" the girl continued as she approached the bed, her tone carrying a hint of annoyance. jaehyun couldn't believe he was being ordered around by a girl, and he was even more surprised to find himself oddly okay with it. jaehyun honest to god couldn’t believe he was being ordered around by a girl, let alone enjoying it. 

jaehyun took his time removing each piece of clothing one by one. he only managed to get his pants off and put it neatly away, the girl was growing more impatient by the minute. she took the initiative to pull jaehyun’s top over his head, throwing it onto the ground to speed up the process. without hesitation, she push pushed him onto the bed and crawled on top of him till they were looking directly into each other's eyes.  

a blush started to creep onto jaehyun’s features, the girl grinned as she pressed soft kisses along his collarbone. jaehyun started to feel greedy for more as she continued moving down; he tugged at the end of her massive oversized t-shirt.

“not yet.” she simply said, no spite in her voice.

“why am i the only one undressed? shouldn’t it be the other way around?” jaehyun shamefully pleaded. he tried to reach out to her again, but she slapped his hand away this time. 

"eager are we?" she quirked an eyebrow, but jaehyun didn't look the slightest bit amused. "i'm surprised that you're the one saying that. it's almost as if you like being dominated." the girl refrained from laughing when she saw jaehyun's face drop, to save him some shame, but he still felt humiliated.

"what? are you just going to tease me then?" jaehyun tried to argue and maintain the facade he had up, it was his defense mechanism to protect the little pride he had left in himself.

the girl just rolled her eyes before adding her input. "i liked it better when you didn't talk. you're really pretty, you know? it would be such a shame." jaehyun's blush darkened in color as he backed down.

jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut when the girl kissed the top of his forehead softly. "thanks, just let me do the rest," he nodded and leaned his head back. the girl continued, leaving kiss marks all over jaehyun's neck. she pulled back to look at the mess she had made of jaehyun already, taking into consideration what jaehyun said earlier.

"you're being so good to me so far, you know what? i'll give you what you want, but you have to promise me you won't run off, okay?" she asked. jaehyun nodded in agreement, he just wanted to touch her.

"you have to promise me," she insisted, not budging until she got a verbal response from him.

"yes, i promise i won't run," he retorted, his patience running thin.

she carefully removed her plain white t-shirt and grey jogging pants, throwing them onto the ground with the rest of jaehyun's clothes.

something clicked in jaehyun's mind, maybe not the entire story, but enough to explain his question about why the girl was so hesitant to get naked. she had a dick. it wasn’t even that her dick was small or too scrawny, it was long─and some might argue longer than jaehyun’s─but it didn’t lack in girth either. 

jaehyun suddenly choked out, "nothing to be ashamed of..." as he lowered his gaze. he felt the need to say something to break the awkward silence, though in reality, it was only jaehyun who felt awkward.

"thanks, i think?" the girl chuckled, a little confused but she appreciated his effort. 

jaehyun attempted to sit up using his arms, but the girl pushed him down onto his back. "hey, you promised not to run," she reminded him.

"i wasn't trying to run... i thought i was going to..." he trailed off, leaving his sentence unfinished, hoping that she'd catch the hint.

"..to top?" she guessed, completing the sentence. jaehyun gave an affirming nod, but she rejected him with a grin, saying, 'sorry, i only top.' his eyes twitched as he shot her a deadpan look. he'd never bottomed before, and she probably knew that; this was just her way of teasing him. again, jaehyun is not one to judge people for their sexual orientation or gender identities. it’s just that he wasn’t expecting to be topped by anyone, let alone a girl for that matter. 

"wait, what... are you serious?" jaehyun attempted to laugh, humorlessly.

"why wouldn't i be? i mean, if you aren't up to it, that's okay with me. i won't force you," she replied, backing off slightly. jaehyun hesitated before agreeing.

"fine... just make sure it doesn't hurt." jaehyun conceded. the girl made a pleased noise at his verbal consent, and jaehyun couldn't tell if this was going to be the worst or best mistake of his life.

"i wouldn't ever think about hurting you on purpose. it might feel a little weird, but just tap me on my shoulder if it becomes too much," she reassured him, planting a quick kiss on his lips and promising to not hurt him.

the girl trailed her kisses down to jaehyun’s chest, giving his left nipple an experimental lick and a pinch on the right. she glanced up to see jaehyun’s face, she took jaehyun’s positive reaction as approval to start moving her tongue in a circular motion around his sensitive nipple. 

jaehyun moaned loudly from the sensation of pleasure and pain overlapping with each other. he felt almost addicted and was just as disappointed when she stopped to whisper into jaehyun’s ear.

“i'm going to use my fingers now.” she warned in a low, deep voice. she grabbed a bottle of lube from inside the nightstand beside the bed, squeezing the bottle of what remained. 

“i’m putting one finger in now, ‘kay?” the girl said, rubbing all four fingers against jaehyun’s entrance before slipping one inside. she looked up at jaehyun’s face for any signs of discomfort but he seemed intent on continuing. it would be ingratitude, to simply just go straight into fucking and not prep jaehyun. considering this would be his very first time being fucked and because she wanted to savor every moment she had of jaehyun to herself, she had to restrain herself from giving into the urge of turning him on his back and pressing him into the sheets raw. 

the girl started the put in one more finger, then another, before pulling them out halfway and back in. jaehyun cursed under his breath at how much he liked the feeling. she straightened her back and tilted her head to the right, giving jaehyun’s hole a bit more attention with a few more pumps before completely pulling them out. jaehyun sucked in his breath in pure anticipation as the girl went back to opening the drawer to put on a condom. 

“i like to see who i’m looking at while i’m doing it,” she said sitting beside jaehyun on the bed, peering off her shoulder and letting her hair fall to the side. she began to crawl on top of jaehyun, almost on purpose to make it difficult for him to do what he was ordered to do. despite all the arms and legs being tangled together getting in the way, he somehow and very successfully flipped himself over. 

now finally face-to-face with the girl, he can really get a good look of her face and actually admire her looks. she had charming slanted eyes with sharp eyebrows, most of her makeup is smudged from her eyeliner down to her lipstick but he can still acknowledge her beauty.

the corners of her mouth twitched, forming a grin. the black-haired boy shuts his eyes open, waiting for something to happen. he peeks his eyes open to see the girl effortlessly putting on the condom and he flips himself onto his back, not wanting to look at her. he feels her aligning the tip of her dick up to his hole. 

she pushes into him in one swift motion and the first thing to come out of jaehyun’s mouth was an actual god-given whimper that neither of them was expecting. his lips drew back in a snarl as his heart practically thunders in his ribcage when she laughs, taking pride in being the first to make jaehyun look this disheveled.

jaehyun audibly groans, his brain is scrambled from all the new sensations he’s feeling. she doesn’t give jaehyun a single moment to think for himself by feeding him deep strokes with her cock. 

“oh my god,” he exclaimed incoherently. “fuck! faster!” jaehyun cried out and shut his eyes, not wanting to hear his own voice.

“look at you,” the girl whispered as she buried herself into the crook of jaehyun’s neck. “who would’ve known you could make noises like that. i can't believe i'm the first one to do this.” jaehyun just groans in response, feeling too unbothered to be annoyed. the girl moves her mouth up to jaehyun’s ear and bites it, making him buck his hips deeper into her cock. he squeezes her hips with his knees, she hisses by reflex and starts to ram into jaehyun. she knows she hit his prostate when she starts to feel jaehyun’s walls clench in on him, tears were threatening to spill, and a train of inaudible moans and whimpers followed almost immediately.

"hey, are you okay, jae?" she checked up on jaehyun, slowing her pace to get a better glimpse of his face.

"h-how'd you know my name?" jaehyun stammered, his attention fixed on that one detail, but he was currently too overstimulated to care about her answer.

"uh— i mean—you just look like one?" she responded without thinking of a better excuse. she mentally face-palmed, god, she wanted to beat herself up right now then, she hoped jaehyun wouldn't catch onto her little white lie.

“can you… can you just start moving faster?” jaehyun begged, tearing his eyes away from her face, and looked to the side. the girl snorted before speeding up her pace and started to feel herself coming undone. she leaned forward, pressing her forehead to jaehyun’s sweaty one before getting this big idea of jerking jaehyun off. 

she pulled back to admire the mess she had created. his hair was a complete and utter mess, beads of sweat rolling down the sides of his face, some sticking to his bangs, and his eyes were on the brink of rolling to the back of his head. the girl pushed her lips onto jaehyun leaving a soft, tender kiss and a string of saliva as she wrapped her long slim fingers around his cock. small but effective “uh, uh, uh” escaped his mouth, his head on the pillows hitting the bed frame. his eyes were shut and his mouth agape as more whimpers poured out.

“how have you never been fucked before? when you looked this good?” she moans into his mouth. she thrusts into jaehyun while simultaneously pumping his cock. jaehyun couldn’t help but whine at her snarky comment. the girl breathlessly laughed as she guided the both of them to their orgasms. streams of cum started to pool on his stomach as the girl pulled out and busted her load into the condom. 

▬

the girl collapsed beside jaehyun, the skinship from her sticky arm pressing into his has him falling into a spiral. it’s tedious, jaehyun thinks. how all it took for jaehyun to get undone was just from the daylights being fucked out of him. his breath feels shallow as it starts to return to its normal pace. the room is still dark but the fireworks going off in his brain makes it unbearable to keep his eyes open. the fragrance of brand-new bedsheets and sex starts to settle and he’s only left with nothing but silence and his thoughts. he's never felt so disoriented in his entire life, and the sound of soft snoring beside him wasn't helping at all.

he honestly thinks he should probably leave, but he was just too exhausted to move. the air had been knocked out of his lungs, and his legs felt like jelly. not to mention how now he was left with the question of: “who the fuck even am i?” 

jaehyun decided to ignore this existential crisis for now. he jumped up off the bed, retrieved his clothes from the ground, and dressed faster than he had undressed. as he stood up, untangling himself from the girl and letting the cool air conditioning seep in, he suddenly felt her hand grab his. he hesitated to leave, looking back at the girl who still seemed to be asleep. the truth was, he didn't hate it. for a moment, he almost returned to her side until he saw a bunch of papers scattered on the ground. it was common courtesy to pick them up and keep things tidy until he noticed the name of the college he attended on the heading of one of the papers.

suddenly, the blood drained from his face, and he grew pale. he dropped the papers and ran out the door, making sure not to look back this time. he didn't even bother to clean up, he just needed to get home. 

he underestimated the amount of pain that would come from just walking two steps. he didn't even know if he'd make it home, but he was determined to get as far away from there as possible. he made a promise to himself to bury this memory so deep in his brain that he wouldn't even recall the name of the bar where he had met the girl. oh, how ignorance was bliss.

Chapter Text

jaehyun managed to get home without running directly into highway of oncoming traffic, as he slipped back into his shared¹ apartment. he attempted to unlock the doors without making a single sound to not wake up his roommate, that’s if he was home that is. and god, he was terrible, he prayed that his roommate’s coworkers were terrible people and forced him to stay back a few more hours.

“jaehyun? you’re home late.” his roommate spoke up, poking his head out from the couch.

but of course, god had other plans for him. the night that jaehyun gets pressed into the sheets for the first time ever was one of the nights that his roommate was home early. jaehyun didn’t try to hide his presence anymore and dropped his shoes onto the ground, not bothering to put it back neatly. he silently thanked himself for having the foresight to put on his clothes properly before leaving, it helped him maintain that little bit of dignity he had left during his walk of shame into the living room.

"yeah... sorry about that, jungwoo. something unexpected came up," he mumbled, his hands nervously rubbing the back of his neck. every motion he made seemed to be awkward and hesitant.

“no, no. it’s cool." jungwoo shrugged, settling into the couch and returning his attention to his phone.

now that jaehyun’s cover was completely blown, jaehyun had no reason to sneak around his own apartment anymore, like he was some kind of criminal. seeing that jungwoo wasn't paying attention anymore, jaehyun took it as his cue to make a bee-line for his room, feeling like he was running away from a crime scene. he slipped back into his room, gradually leaning against the closed door before flopping face-first onto his bed.

he loudly groaned into his pillow, he felt so many mixed emotions about… practically everything. jaehyun turned over on his back, still feeling bubbly after sex. for a moment, he considered not coming to class and calling in sick, but then he remembered he isn’t able to bear the expense of skipping anymore classes. 

he quickly pushed away the events of tonight from his thoughts, genuinely wanting to forget, as he'd promised himself not to dwell on them, and let go of the self-guilt he was feeling. jaehyun had never really felt great about sex or dating in general. he didn't feel anything towards it, not until recently, that is. to be completely honest with himself, he wasn't even sure if he could picture himself in a long-term relationship with anyone in the future.

tonight was definitely a night for self-reflection though, jaehyun thought. he wasn't even sure if he truly knew himself completely, and it made him feel sick in his own skin. there was some comfort in his parents' expectations for his future, as they had everything planned out for him, but he hasn’t even spoken to his own mother in months. not that he even tried to put in the effort; he hasn’t seen her or even tried to call or send a text.

in the past, jaehyun was at the top of his classes, but after moving out and finally having some actual time alone to think, he had to ask himself if this was really the life for him. after he came to the conclusion, that no, this wasn’t his life, he started missing classes more often, opting for parties and basketball practice instead. all just because he wanted to. 

this was such an obvious contrast to his junior and senior years of high school when he had worked tirelessly and excelled. his nose scrunched as he remembered the nights he spent studying until it started to show on his face with dark eye circles, only for it to feel like it didn't lead to much in the end.

his rebellion didn't go unnoticed; his college professors and even his coach reached out to his mother with their concerns. they believed jaehyun's sudden change in behavior was due to his association with a bad crowd, something his mother yelled at him about over the phone one night² she had never liked his friendship with johnny and yuta, but then again, she wasn’t a fan of any self-contemplation. 

for an on-running two years jaehyun has been avoiding his mother’s calls and ignoring his family's attempts to reach him. but, he wouldn’t completely ignore them. every now and then, he’d come back from basketball practice, collapse onto his bed, plug in his earphones, and listen to his mother's hundredth voicemail.

in every message he’d leave jaehyun, it would be another selfish attempt to get back into his life through multiple tears and yelling. jaehyun only ever listened when he was feeling shit about his academic performance, using it as a sick way to make himself feel better, as if everything he was doing was out of spite.

so, he continued to let their messages play out, allowing the guilt and anger to wash over him whenever it did. it was a strange way of coping, but for the time being, it was the only thing that made him feel like he wasn’t a waste of space.



but, like right now, he had more pressing matters. he made a dumb drunk mistake and got fucked, literally. if his friends found out… oh, god. if his friends found out then they would blow it out of proportion. "Jeong Yuno, Notorious Token Straight Man, Gets Pegged At A Gay Strip Club" would probably make the headlines. yeah, he was definitely never going to tell them.

jaehyun glanced at the time on his phone one last time, then buried his face in the pillow and fell asleep right away. he decided to let "tomorrow jaehyun" deal with all his responsibilities. handle it with pride and honor, he muttered to his future self, a promise if he actually decided to wake up tomorrow. 

foot notes

1. jaehyun wouldn’t have had a roommate but being a college student and all, he couldn’t afford that luxury. it’s not that jaehyun was complaining because he doesn’t hate his roommate. in fact, he rarely ever sees his roommate. the man was working two part-time jobs to just be able to afford rent let alone his college tuition, he also took late night shifts to make ends meet which is why he’d come home late. the only request his roommate had was a simple one: when he did come home late at night, he asked jaehyun not to bother him. and jaehyun, being understanding, made sure to keep to himself during those late hours, allowing his roommate to get his sleep. (return to text)

2. jaehyun's room was pitch dark, with only the faint light of the moon seeping through the curtains. suddenly, the light from his phone turned on, and it started vibrating loudly on his nightstand. jaehyun, not moving an inch from his position or opening his eyes, blindly reached out and grabbed his phone. trying to figure out which mother fucker had dared to disrupt his much-needed sleep, he was just moments away from giving them a piece of his mind, but that was until he realized it was his actual mother.

jaehyun stared at the text notifications on his phone screen, anticipating the call he knew was coming. when it finally rang, he sighed and answered with a tone of indifference, "hello, mom?"

his mother's voice came through like a knife cutting through his composure, "jaehyun, what have you done this time? i've been hearing some disturbing things from your professors and your coach. you're really disappointing me."

"when am i ever not a disappointment to you?" jaehyun wanted to say, but he kept it to himself, he was so, so tired. he should be used to this by now. still half-asleep, jaehyun couldn't muster much of a response. "yeah, they've been talking to you, huh? well, things have been different since i moved out and started college." 

but his lack of a concrete argument seemed to only upset his mother more. she continued, her tone growing more angry, "different? they mentioned that you've been hanging out with a bad crowd. i put you into all these programs and got you into this college, not for you to make friends. what a waste of my hard-earned money."

"yeah, it was waste of your dumb fucking money. i never asked for any of it.” but instead, jaehyun tried to defend himself, "mom, they are my friends, and they're not bad. i've just been trying to figure things out for myself."

"well, it's clear to me that you can't figure anything out on your own. you were such a good student in high school, and now your grades are dropping, and you're missing classes…. you were never like this before. you just need a mother's push in the right direction..." his mother offered, but it was just so wrong. 

jaehyun muted his phone to stifle a laugh as he listened to his mom talking confidently about herself and her oh, so, amazing, parenting methods that have definitely worked. hitting the unmute button, "yeah, i know, mom. college is just... different." jaehyun repeated, not giving his response much thought.

"you should have thought about that before wasting my money. you better not ruin my plans for your future."

jaehyun sighed again, mustering a bit of resistance, "mom, it's late, and i have classes tomorrow. can we talk about this another time?" which translated to "if you care so much about me going to my classes, don't fucking call me."

"jaehyun, maybe you should come home right now. we can talk things through, and i can help you get back on track." his mother pressed, if this came from anyone else's mother it would have came from a place of concern. but jaehyun knows better than anyone that his mother did not have it in herself to give a shit about him. 

jaehyun, now definitely awake, sat up on his bed and rubbed his eyes profusely. "mom, i appreciate it, but i'm not coming home.... i can’t. i will just handle this on my own." he refused.

"you're coming home, jaehyun. you need to get yourself in check because you are way out of line," his mother's voice rose, not missing a beat. for no good reason either, because jaehyun had the volume on his phone set low, and besides, they were just talking on the phone. yet, his mother was acting as if he was there in person, raising her voice needlessly.

jaehyun's resolve remained calm, "no, mom. i'll take things from here. goodbye." he won't come home, he can't. not unless he had a little bit of self-respect for himself, he would never set foot in that place again.

"fine, you're on your own from now on. bye, jaehyun," her voice seethed through the screen.

jaehyun hung up the phone, he knew he did the right thing for himself, regardless of his mother's disapproval. it still hurt him though, it wasn’t like he completely didn’t care. he only gave a shit whenever people asked him about his parents—that’s when it hurt. he didn’t know what he did exactly to piss off god so much that he deserved parents that didn’t care. (return to text)

Chapter Text

with his bag slipping off his shoulder, jaehyun entered the psychology class with multiple mixed emotions, mostly negative, but he was proud that he had managed to leave his room and not smoke the most cancerous cigarette he could get his hands on. 

he had chosen psychology as it seemed less complicated compared to his other course options; after all, how hard could it be to find the difference between a liar or a psychopath from a normal person? he already had his mother as a prime example. #burn

scanning the room for an empty seat, he spotted the last available one and quickly made his way over. as he settled into the seat, he felt shitty; his ass hurt, and he had an incoming headache. he couldn't help but mentally curse out the person from last night, even though he knew it wasn't genuine.

jaehyun snapped out of his thoughts and turned his attention to the board, only to realize that the class had started ten minutes ago. fuck him. but not literally. he leaned over to the person next to him, a slim black-haired boy wearing glasses. however, instead of focusing on the class notes, like someone genuinely interested in passing, he was studying the other man's features: the sharp jawline, high cheekbones, straight nose, full lips, and, oh, that neck. because staring? yeah, that's totally the perfect way to make a memorable first impression, especially if you want the other person to know you're straight, because, you know, he was, like, super straight.

"can i help you?" the boy asked, not taking his eyes off his own papers.

jaehyun stumbled over his words. "oh, uhm, yeah, sorry, uhm... actually..." he felt oddly embarrassed and couldn't quite explain why. "i just started psych, and i was wondering if you could share your notes with me?"

"what do i get out of it?" the boy responded, his tone measured.

jaehyun attempted humor, saying, "feeling good about yourself?" but there was no laugh or smile in response. "i'm sorry, i really just want to pass this class. we can work something out; i'll give you anything you want."

"anything? that's a lot to give up to someone you don't even know," the boy remarked, looking up at jaehyun, a smile tugging at the corners of his lips, but he stopped himself.

"wait... you look familiar?" jaehyun suddenly had flashbacks from the previous night, as if he were a veteran getting war flashbacks. he had to mentally tell his brain to fuck off because now, he couldn't even hold a conversation like a normal functioning human being without thinking of that night. 

"do i now?" the black-haired boy replied. "well, i'm sure we've never met, properly… that is. i'm doyoung, and you are...?"

"oh, i'm jaehyun," he replied with a casual shrug.

"i figured. i've seen you around campus quite often, actually. i think i saw you somewhere recently. maybe that's why..." doyoung trailed off, knowing exactly the game he was starting, and he wondered how long it would take for jaehyun to catch on.

“oh, yeah. i guess, but i haven’t seen you until now. i guess you just reminded me of someone i saw.”

“well.. you aren't in class that often,” jaehyun laughed off doyoung's comment. he wasn’t wrong, but he wasn’t expecting doyoung to call him out on it. his embarrassment distracted him from doyoung, who was quickly writing things on his notes. jaehyun didn't notice until doyoung slid the paper to him with a silent "you're welcome" and a mouthed "now pay attention."

▬

a couple of weeks later, jaehyun had made it a point to attend most of his psychology classes, even though getting out of bed on some days was a struggle. surprisingly, he found himself liking the class more than he though he would, but it wasn't the subject that drew him. he came more for doyoung than anything else. they had exchanged numbers, and on the days when jaehyun couldn't make it to class, doyoung would send him pictures of his notes to help him catch up.

jaehyun, as usual, arrived late and took his seat next to doyoung. he carefully placed his black bag on the floor beside his chair, giving doyoung a quick smile and a small wave as he settled in.

the professor finished jotting some stuff on the board and began talking about memory formation. jaehyun fumbled through his bag, mostly filled with crumpled papers. organizing things wasn’t… exactly his thing. these days, he doesn't think he knows what his thing is at all or if he even knows himself well enough to know. after a bit of searching, he found his notes and mentally prepared himself before speaking up.



"memory formation happens because... well, it's like quantum entanglement, right?" jaehyun recited from his notes, glancing back and forth between the paper and the board. distant sounds of laughter and giggles broke out among some of his classmates, and jaehyun suddenly feeling embarrassed.

"now, class, let's not laugh. thank you, jaehyun, for participating. you're not quite there yet, but that's okay..." the professor's explanation continued, but jaehyun didn't bother trying to follow it. in jaehyun’s head, it felt like everything the professor was saying was the equivalent to telling everyone in the class to do the exact opposite of what jaehyun was doing. lost in his thoughts, the younger boy felt a gentle nudge on his arm, snapping him back to reality.



"quantum entanglement, huh? that's an interesting theory," doyoung whispered with a grin, leaning into jaehyun’s personal space.



jaehyun pushed his head back, flustered. he placed a hand to cover the side of his face that doyoung could see. "i wish i could crawl into a cave and never see anyone ever again."



"you sort of already do, the way you barely come to class," the older boy pointed out. jaehyun had noted a while ago that doyoung's character was very blunt… to say the least.

jaehyun just sighed, his arms crossed on the desk as he rested his head on them. "i am trying, though. this is the class i attend most."



"see, that's the issue. maybe start coming to class every day for a change?" doyoung rolled his eyes. the bar must be set quite low in his head if he considered attending class every few days as trying.

jaehyun let out a frustrated huff and lifted his head from his arms. "every day? hyung, we are talking about me here… i’m not sure i'm ready to make that kind of commitment yet," he said jokingly.


doyoung's frustration was growing. "if you don't want to do anything about it, then don't complain. how and why are you even going to college like this? who do you think you are, erik erikson? abraham maslow?" doyoung's annoyance was was clear in his tone.

jaehyun blinked, not fully grasping doyoung's frustration. "i mean, no, i'm just me," he replied, not entirely innocent, he guessed he might have hit a nerve.


“fuck, you probably don’t even know any of those names, do you?” doyoung's tapping the eraser end of his pencil on the table repeatedly, making jaehyun feel increasingly uncomfortable. where is all of this coming from? doyoung realized he was projecting onto jaehyun and took a deep breath, closing his eyes for a moment. "you know what, i'll help you study," he finally said, leaning back and calming himself. 



jaehyun shifted uncomfortably in his seat, really feeling the tension between them. “well, you can come over if you want… wow, look at us moving so fast already.” he said, trying to not let any of doyoung’s comments get to him. the older boy just barely smiling at him.

as they heard the professor announcing the end of the class, jaehyun started to stand up, but doyoung grabbed his hand, signaling him to wait. "free your schedule today, and for the rest of the week, we'll work together," doyoung stated, grabbing both of their bags, not exactly giving jaehyun any room for a choice.


▬

jaehyun was really mad. he'd actually put effort into class for once and still did terrible. he sat on his bed, legs crossed, holding his phone in one hand, eyeing the big red "45/100" on his paper.
he couldn't believe his eyes right now, his pièce de résistance was psychology, so how did he fail this badly?

"what the fuck?” he muttered to himself. he had used the study methods that had worked for him in high school, but he realized that maybe that was the problem—this wasn't high school anymore. 


sighing, he flopped back onto his bed, seeing his grade left a bitter taste in his mouth. just as he was about to wallow in self-pity, he heard his bag hit the floor with a thud. "ugh, i guess i'll pick that up and do one right thing," he rolled his eyes, not wanting to get up.

as he started to put back all his "useless shit" that were scattered all over the ground back into his bag, he noticed something off in the corner of his eye. his notes, the ones he had been relying on, were slightly changed. confusion washed over him as he connected the dots.

he quickly sat himself onto the floor, not bothering with the rest of the mess. jaehyun couldn't ignore the nagging feeling that something was definitely wrong with his notes. he had to confirm his suspicions or else it would have ate away at his brain. 

he picked up the paper and scrutinized it, comparing it to the information he had written down during class. his eyes scrolled down at one of the papers he had in his hand, trying to identify the alterations. and fuck. there it was, a subtle but deliberate alteration in the content. his eyes landed on the memory formation. his original notes had mentioned the role of the hippocampus, a crucial brain structure in memory processing. but, in the altered notes, the hippocampus was replaced with the amygdala, a different brain region associated with emotions.

jaehyun didn’t know whether he should laugh, scream, cry, or just start doing a mix of everything all at once. it wasn’t like he zoned out the entire time he was in class, he did try. he knew that the hippocampus was significant in memory, and the amygdala was more related to emotional processing. jaehyun felt like everything he worked hard for was completely useless because his efforts did go in vain, all thanks to doyoung. 

fuck his everything, doyoung. not. literally.


but like everything in jaehyun's fucked-up life, it always starts off as a joke. this time, it started fairly innocently enough when he asked doyoung for class notes. he didn’t realize that making changes in his life would set off a negative chain reaction, jaehyun couldn't believe how dumb he was for not realizing earlier. jaehyun clenched his hands into tight fists and raised them to his face in frustration. seriously, what was he thinking? expecting someone to hand over a whole semester's worth of notes on their first meeting? especially to a lazy, cocky, good-for-nothing stranger? it was beyond him.

first, there were small changes in his notebook¹, which he thought were just mistakes. then came the unexpected textbooks², projects³, and data⁴ doyoung started giving him, purely out of the kindness of his heart. doyoung would even ask questions that had absolutely nothing to do with their class during tutoring, just to mess him up.⁵


but just before jaehyun was about to blow up doyoung’s phone with multiple angry messages and think of petty acts to vent his frustration, his roommate barged in.

jungwoo peeked his head into the room and asked, "hey, jaehyun hyung. i'm ordering dinner. what do you want?" jungwoo was hungry and just got off from work, making it clear he wanted a quick answer.

jaehyun, still sitting on the floor, dramatically turned his upper head to face jungwoo. "get me a gun," he deadpanned, half-jokingly.

jungwoo let out an awkward chuckle. "so... ramen it is. thanks," he said, flashing a quick smile before closing the door, leaving jaehyun to turn back to his phone. he switched to the messaging app and started typing away aggressively with his thumbs.

jae: fuck you srsly omg

doyoung: ???

jae: don’t ??? me. u know what u did. i can’t believe i trusted u.

doyoung: oh?

doyoung: you finally figured it out. lol.

doyoung: okay, let’s meet up at an art museum tmrw. dress pretty for me.

now it was jaehyun’s turn to send “???” to him. why is doyoung asking him on a date when jaehyun is very obviously mad at him? and why is he about to agree?

foot notes

1. in jaehyun's notebook, doyoung would add small, handwritten notes beside his class notes. these notes subtly contradicted or questioned all of the material. for example, doyoung would write things like "is this really the best explanation for cognitive dissonance?" or "i heard there's an alternative theory about operant conditioning :-)" jaehyun would take doyoung's advice seriously and start looking into these other ideas. this would lead him down rabbit holes of watching 2 hour long video essays and filling his head with useless and unnecessary information. (return to text)

2. doyoung would lend jaehyun his textbooks, both old and new, a seemingly considerate gesture at first. but, doyoung had discreetly taped over certain paragraphs, making them look like they were part of the original text. these sections had small but incorrect information, like misplaced decimal points in statistical data or incorrect citations. jaehyun being as oblivious as he was, ended up studying these sections the most. (return to text)

3. during class presentations, doyoung occasionally borrowed jaehyun's laptop to load up the presentation slides. he subtly swapped out important slides with versions that had wrong information or confusing charts. jaehyun, focused on the presentation, wouldn't realize until it was too late. another time, doyoung changed jaehyun's survey questions, adding tiny biases or making them unclear. jaehyun couldn't figure out why he kept getting points deducted on his projects, despite putting in a lot of effort. he'd rant about how he just couldn't understand why he was getting points removed when he did everything properly to doyoung during their study sessions, who would just smile and nod quietly. (return to text)

4. for group projects, doyoung meticulously tweaked some of jaehyun's research data. these changes were so small—adjusting numbers ever so slightly, or introducing minor inconsistencies in survey questions. but jaehyun, worked hard day-and-night to research and double-check his data, completely trusted the accuracy of his data. he would present his work just for it to be skewed.  (return to text)

5. during their study sessions at jaehyun's house, doyoung would nonchalantly drop questions in their conversations that were meant to confuse jaehyun. he would ask questions like, "what if skinner's way of teaching was affected by pavlov's way of teaching?" or "what if freud's ideas on dreams were influenced by jung's theories?" jaehyun wanted to engage in deep intellectual conversations, so after doyoung left, he would often do extensive research on these topics, not knowing the whole point was to throw him off. (return to text)

Chapter Text

jaehyun couldn't wrap his head around the fact that he was actually getting ready to meet doyoung tomorrow, but here he was. it was already 9 pm, and he had just stepped out of the shower. he rifled through his closet, trying to look for his best and most expensive outfit. jaehyun was going all out, dolling himself up with makeup¹ and fussing over his hair, all in the hopes of impressing the guy who had basically sabotaged his grades. just because he had nothing else to do. if jaehyun wasn't the absolute dumbest person on earth, then he doesn’t think there is anyone.

as he looked at himself in the mirror, jaehyun wondered why he was going through all this trouble for someone who had made his life difficult. but there was something about doyoung that intrigued him, that’s if… you look past all the academic failure he set jaehyun up for. maybe he just wanted to prove himself, but what was he exactly proving? jaehyun came to doyoung just as he was, a carefree ignorant guy looking for an effortless grade. the irony wasn't lost on him; he didn't have a single clue about what he was trying to prove to doyoung or why he wanted to even see him in the first place but he still decided to go.

as jaehyun continued to get ready for the art gallery date, his thoughts were all over the place. he couldn't deny that he would feel something when he thought of doyoung’s smile or how his heart would race when they argued about class work, it made him feel a bit weird. it was more than just proving a point now; he feels like something fundamental changed about himself. but jaehyun brushed those thoughts out his head, telling himself it was just stress or maybe they were becoming really, really, good friends. 

jaehyun got off the bus exactly in front of the art museum, he was focused on his phone as he texted doyoung asking about where he was. he started to doubt himself. his brain were full of thoughts like: what if he had come to the wrong place? what if doyoung had changed his mind? that sounds like him. because he’s an asshole.

but if doyoung’s an asshole, then jaehyun is a bigger dumbass than he thought because he’s the one who’s willingly going out with said asshole. he was mentally cursing himself out for having no respect for himself, but as he was just about to hit send on another text, he suddenly felt a presence behind him.

"hey there," doyoung greeted, his head resting on jaehyun's shoulder, a cunning look in his eyes as he leaned in a bit closer to jaehyun's face. "you look pretty, like a doll."

that nickname immediately made jaehyun freeze.

startled and flustered, jaehyun pushed doyoung off of him and crossed his arms, not bothering to turn around. "i'm still mad at you, you know."

"don’t be. i’ll make it up to you." doyoung said, tugging on the younger boy’s arm. jaehyun finally turns around to face doyoung. 

and there he was, the black-haired boy standing right in front of him, looking even better in person than jaehyun had imagined a thousand times in his head on the way there. totally normal straight behavior coming from him. jaehyun's heart skipped a beat, his cheeks burned with embarrassment, and he went into a full-blown gay panic, not knowing how to respond.

doyoung's words still hung in the air, leaving jaehyun wondering if there was a deeper meaning behind them. jaehyun didn’t know what his intensions were, but one thing was clear: doyoung looked too fucking good, and the fact that he called jaehyun "pretty" was enough to send his heart into cardiac arrest.

doyoung continued to smile at jaehyun, his eyes showed that he was very much enjoying jaehyun's flustered reaction a little too much. jaehyun, on the other hand, was desperately trying to regain his composure.

"uh, whatever," jaehyun mumbled, his cheeks still pink. he cleared his throat and tried to focus on the conversation. "so, uhm, did you have trouble getting here?"

doyoung's smile didn't waver as he replied, "no, not really. i’ve been here before a long time ago but i did forget about some of the directions so i just used a map online for help."

"oh, right. i forgot you could do that." jaehyun said, sounding just as stupid as he felt. 

doyoung was the first to move from their current spot, walking towards the big entrance, jaehyun stole glances at the older boy in between steps. he looked effortlessly good, and jaehyun couldn't shake the feeling that he was way out of his league. maybe doyoung was just being friendly, but it was enough to make jaehyun feel like he was going crazy, even the way that he looks at him made his face feel hot.

“i think this piece is different from the ones we’ve seen so far. the artist's use of color and texture is so original.” doyoung said, gazing at the painting in front of him.

jaehyun just nods in agreement, not thinking too much about the painting. “yeah, it's nice.”

“you know, i expected your taste in art to be more refined by now.” doyoung’s tone was subtly critical, looking at jaehyun over his shoulder. well. jaehyun should've saw it coming but he wasn’t expecting that kind of response. 

“oh, uh, well, i'm not as knowledgeable about this stuff as you are.” jaehyun shrugged. 

doyoung doesn’t pay him any mind, he just keeps walking to the next exhibit. as they move to the next one, the older boy continues to steer the conversation.

doyoung pauses in front of a big sculpture. “you don’t need to be knowledgeable to understand art, i mean look at this, it’s a man holding a heavy boulder but it’s more than that. the point is that you just have to put it into perspective. i feel like this represents the pressure of the future holding down someone and the pursuit of something big.”

jaehyun started to tense up just from the mention of the word “future”, it felt like a tease at his insecurities whether doyoung didn’t or did know about them. “yeah, it's deep.” he managed to muster up a response.

“jaehyun, have you ever thought about your future? your dreams?” doyoung turns to the younger boy, his voice gentle but condescending. 

jaehyun let out a shaky breath, trying to come up with a quick answer. “well, i might take a job at my dad's company. i'm still figuring things out though.”

“your dad's company?” doyoung raised an eyebrow, not fully convinced. “that's… safe, i guess. but don't you want more than just a comfortable job?” 

“i don’t know, doyoung. i seriously don’t want to talk about this right now, and especially not with you.” jaehyun cut him off immediately, not wanting to be told that he has potential to be something he doesn’t have the will to do. doyoung responded with an understanding hum as he walked over to another painting. jaehyun expected the older boy to argue with him and continue pressing the topic, but he was grateful that this wasn't the case.

doyoung glanced back at jaehyun and motioned for him to hurry, pointing to another painting. holy fuck, doyoung was fast, why does jaehyun have such long legs if he can't even use them properly? 

when the younger boy finally caught up to doyoung he asked, "what do you think of this one?" the older boy got straight to the point.

jaehyun was caught off guard by the question, but quickly looked at the painting. he gave himself a minute to analyze it.  "you know, i actually like this one. it's... different, like you said, but it make me feel something."

“really, jaehyun? i'm surprised you like this. it's quite unconventional.” doyoung smirked, crossing his arms in consideration. 

“yeah, well, art is subjective.” jaehyun pointed out, paraphrasing what doyoung said earlier.

“this piece lacks the sophistication and depth of the other pieces we've seen today. are your tastes really that basic?” doyoung immediately seizes the opportunity to poke fun, his voice critical. 

“i mean, i guess…” jaehyun backs down, going along with doyoung’s assessment.

but doyoung could see the doubt in jaehyun's expression as he looked away. "i'm just messing with you, you know that, right?" doyoung playfully nudged jaehyun's arm.

the younger boy just shot doyoung a quick smile, but it still didn’t comfort him. as they were coming to the end of the exhibit, jaehyun suddenly paused. doyoung didn’t notice till he was about to ask him if he wanted to eat, just to notice that the younger boy wasn’t behind him anymore.

doyoung frantically looked everywhere till he found jaehyun basically glued to a portrait of a tired man—it used dull and dark colors that clashed with each other. it felt chaotic and tame at the same time, jaehyun felt like he was looking into a reflection of himself.

doyoung stared back, he saw jaehyun basically lost in the painting. the sight made a smile creep up on his face and he didn’t stop it this time. 

as jaehyun stood there, he felt someone approach from behind. he turned, expecting to see doyoung waiting for him to finish up. but to his surprise, doyoung did come close, but standing so close that he could basically feel the warmth of his breath on his neck. doyoung's hand gently rested on jaehyun's shoulder, and the other hand extended to point at the painting.

"this one," doyoung began, his voice taking on a tone that hinted at something more, “is about a person coping with the feelings of loving and losing something, he’s finally given up.”

jaehyun nodded, understanding the painting for its meaning. doyoung knew what the look in jaehyun’s eyes meant and took it as a cue to continue.

"but i think the artist, towards the end of his life, found something... or someone. everyone finds love once they let people in," doyoung corrected himself, his words feeling personal, as if they were directed specifically at jaehyun. the older boy wrapped an arm around his waist as he continued talking.

but jaehyun felt too flustered to even process anything the older boy was saying to him. he couldn't concentrate on the art or doyoung's words; all he could think about was how close doyoung was standing to him, and the way doyoung's words seemed to hold a deeper meaning. even though doyoung was shorter he was much more confident in his body than jaehyun was. 

as the two of them stood there, caught in the moment, doyoung finally broke the tension. he cleared his throat and said, "i think we should start heading out, it’s getting dark outside and the museum is going to close in a couple of minutes."

jaehyun reluctantly pulled himself away from his thoughts and nodded in agreement. "yeah, you're right."

as they walked outside, doyoung turned to jaehyun and asked, "how far is your house from here? do you need a ride home?"

jaehyun hesitated for a moment, he had some self-reflecting to do tonight. the last thing he needed right now was going home with doyoung, he needed some time alone for a minute to just think for himself, and walking alone in the night seemed like the perfect opportunity. "no, it's not too far. i think i'll walk home tonight."

doyoung nodded, his teasing demeanor returning. "alright, whatever you want, doll. but i'm just a phone call away if you change your mind."

but before jaehyun could open his mouth and throw a fit at the new nickname doyoung’s adopted for him, the older boy leaned in and planted a innocent kiss on his cheek, it was too quick for jaehyun to even realize what happened. then, with a flash of a smile, doyoung turned on his heel and started walking in the direction of his car, leaving jaehyun standing there, his tote bag slipping off his shoulder and into his hand. he was flustered and now his problems doubled by a hundred, he had a lot to think about tonight.

in that moment, jaehyun had a realization–that maybe, just maybe, he might be gay. he thinks.

but then suddenly he felt a vibration on the back of his pocket, god must have heard his thoughts, and laughed. jaehyun received a message from doyoung on his walk home. his heart skipped a beat as he read the words, his breath faltering, and a warm blush crept onto his cheeks. 

doyoung: i just got home, let me know when u are home too. i had fun today, i really, really enjoyed looking at all the art with u, and especially looking at u, you're a doll :-)

fuck everything he's ever known, he was definitely 100% gay.

foot notes

1. jaehyun was lying on his back on ten's bed, casually flipping through a random novel he'd grabbed from the shelves. with an audible sigh of frustration, he shut the book with a little more force than necessary, tossing it aside. having to read the same lines over and over without making sense of them was getting annoying. he immediately started to feel bored and fidgety, he started to glance around the room, searching for something, anything, to distract him. in the corner of his eye, he noticed something–a collection of makeup items neatly arranged on ten's desk. that’s new.

"hey, ten," jaehyun started, his cheek resting on the palm of his hand. "what's up with all that makeup stuff?"

ten looked up from his laptop and offered a small smile. "oh, that? i just like playing around with makeup sometimes. it makes me feel good.”

jaehyun raised an eyebrow, confusion clear on his face. "but you're a guy, ten."

ten laughed, taking jaehyun’s ignorance lightly. "jaehyun, makeup isn't just for girls. i like to see it as like an art form, expressing yourself in different ways. and anyone can do art, just like anyone can do makeup.”

jaehyun considered ten's words for a moment. call him close-minded, but he’s never looked at makeup that way before. but ten's nonchalant attitude towards the idea made him feel at ease, like it was no big deal. before he could blink, ten was holding out an eyeliner pencil to his face.

"try it," ten winked at him. "just a little mascara and eyeliner."

jaehyun hesitated for a moment but then nodded. he’s known ten since they were kids, and he always felt comfortable around him. ten's house practically felt like his actual home, considering he spent more time there than at his own house. it was like a breath of fresh air compared to the suffocating one back at his own home; it was a safe place with ten, he knew he could always trust ten.

with excitement, ten pulled out a small chair from under the desk and flicked on the lights. he gestured for jaehyun to sit, and jaehyun complied, feeling a bit of excitement and unexplainable nervousness.

"it's gonna be fine, just relax,” ten reassured him as he rummaged through his desk drawer for a makeup wipe. "it won't hurt, and if you don't like it, we can wipe it off, no big deal, okay? now close your eyes.”

jaehyun nodded and shut his eyes as ten brought the eyeliner pencil closer to his face. ten started to apply the eyeliner at the corner of jaehyun's eyes. his hand was steady, but he seemed a bit unsure. ten wasn't like, a makeup guru, but he does fine for himself.

jaehyun could feel the pencil gently poking his eyelid, and for a moment, he thought that ten might accidentally stab his eye. but he kept his eyes closed, trusting ten completely.

"stop moving, i'm gonna mess up," ten groaned, and jaehyun couldn't help but giggle underneath him.

when ten finished with the eyeliner, jaehyun tried to open his eyes open.

"ah, ah, ah! we aren't done yet," ten blurted out, waving his hands in front of jaehyun's eyes to prevent him from catching a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror.

after the eyeliner, ten moved on to mascara, and then a touch of blush. jaehyun didn't know how to describe it but he had to admit that it felt oddly nice. he couldn't see his face, but the idea of seeing himself differently made him feel good. maybe he was just too used to seeing his tired face in the mirror that change made him feel this enthusiastic.

finally, ten stepped back and said, "okay, you can open your eyes now."

jaehyun slowly opened his eyes open and stared into the mirror. the reflection staring back at him was changed only a little, but he felt completely different. he didn't stop himself from smiling, his dimples deepening that complimented his light red cheeks. it wasn't a dramatic change or anything crazy by any means, but it made him feel...good.

ten grinned, clearly satisfied with his work and jaehyun’s reaction. "see, not so bad, right?"

jaehyun nodded, still looking at his changed reflection. it might have been a small change, but it felt like a significant step into the unknown, and he was eager to explore it further. thanks to his friend ten, he had discovered a new aspect of himself.

jaehyun just nodded, still quietly studying his reflection in the mirror, turning his face this way and that. he'd never say it aloud, but he felt kind of pretty, in a way he'd never felt before. he wished he could feel like this all the time. but there was no need to put it into words for ten to understand. ten got the hint when jaehyun asked him where he could buy makeup for himself, and he'd get all excited when ten said they could go shopping together.

back at home, jaehyun's mother would have never allowed him to buy any kind of makeup, not even as a gift for a friend or a girlfriend, let alone for himself. but jaehyun wasn't living with his mom anymore, and even though he was far from ten, he'd still do makeup sometimes when he went outside. it was light enough that people didn’t notice but enough for him to see and feel good. sometimes, when he was done crying, he'd sit down and put on makeup, just to feel something, and it worked every time. (return to text)

Chapter Text

“im straight but i want my enemy to kiss me?”

“okay, for starters, i (20m) first met my friend (21m) in psych class, in the beginning of the semester i asked him to share his notes because im like… really ass at school but like he agreed which is great and all but he purposely messed up all the notes so i fail on purpose. i still don’t even know why he’d do this, he could’ve just told me no from the start but he just had to see my fail for whatever reason. i think he’s a sadist, maybe.

that’s not the point though. when i found out this asshole was sabotaging my notes, i messaged him like any sane person would. but guess what he does… he not only completely ignored my message, but he also takes me out on a fucking date. and me, being the idiot that i am, said yes.

it wasn’t even a good date either, he’s the last person i want to be with on a free day with no work.  he dragged me through an entire art museum just so he could talk shit about me right to my face. i should’ve just said no and become a homebody or a hermit or whatever… anyways this guy fucking kisses me??? on the cheek though but like… i liked it?? i want him to actually kiss me?? but i’m straight, i've only ever been into women, only ever dated women, and i've never felt any attraction to guys before, and i definitely don't like dick!!

but i'd be lying if i didn’t say he didn’t make me happy, i’ve been stuck in my head for a while and i feel like i’m finally able to breath even if we are constantly arguing so idk how true that part is… but i just want to talk to him, have stupid, meaningless conversations about absolutely nothing, just to hear his voice constantly talking or just waking up every morning to see him by my side. but  i'm not really a commitment kind of person, you know? i've never stayed in a relationship long enough to know if this is real or different, but obviously it’s different. attraction to women and attraction to men aren’t the same. but it's not just any guy; it's him. i guess i feel kinda guilty about it?”

▬

jaehyun hesitated before hitting the post button at the bottom. reddit isn’t usually his last resort, its quora, but right now, he’s at the lowest point in my life, and he can't figure out if he’s gay or not. a normal person would ask their gay friends for advice but jaehyun’s far from normal, for jaehyun that would mean swallowing my pride and letting them win. he vaguely remembers them joking about some ongoing bet, putting money on whether he’d end up being gay, and all he did was roll my eyes back then. but now, it's starting to feel like an uncomfortable reality.

jaehyun let out a deep breath as he logged out of all his tabs and closed his laptop, placing it at the end of his bed. he shut his eyes, pulling the duvet he was wearing up to his shoulders, he attempts to get some sleep but fails miserably in doing so. the nagging need to figure things out kept bothering him in the back of his mind. he sat up on his bed, grabbed the laptop, and opened it again. in the incognito mode, he typed into google, "am i gay quiz?”

sitting cross-legged on his bed as he waited for the search results to load. the results were overwhelming, but jaehyun clicked on one of the top links that seemed safe and virus-free. a website with a rainbow-colored logo popped up, offering a variety of quizzes and resources, oh the choices. he started with a quiz titled, "discover your true self: am i gay?".

the first question popped up in bold letters: "do you find yourself shopping for home decor even when you don't need anything?" jaehyun burst out laughing. what the fuck did that have to do with anything?  he clicked on one of the options with a giggle, "only if it's on sale.”

the next question was equally amusing as the first: "how often do you secretly judge people's fashion choices?" jaehyun grinned and selected "sometimes." like who doesn't watch people and offer internal fashion critique? 

as he went through a couple of more questions, they got progressively more silly. "have you ever accidentally locked eyes with someone of the same gender and felt like time stopped?" jaehyun immediately thought about doyoung and clicked "yes." the quiz seemed to dig deeper into his soul, prompting him to question not just his sexuality but also every single one of his life choices that he’s ever made.

after going through a million more questions, jaehyun finally reached the end. just as he was about to see the results, a knock on the door startled him. in walked jungwoo, with a bag of chips in hand, as usual, blissfully unaware of the situation. how does he always know when to come in at the worst possible timing?

"why are you up so late? late-night cramming or late-night netflix?" jungwoo asked, casually.

jaehyun, panicked, hastily closed his laptop, "uh, neither. just, you know, using the internet..."

"uh, huh…" jungwoo narrowed his eyes, not convinced. the younger boy came in and kept the door open so the light from the living room could guide him to jaehyun's bed. he tried to grab at jaehyun's laptop, but jaehyun snatched it out of his hands.

"you're being so weird, hyung, is it porn?" jungwoo said, making a disgusted face at the thought of it.

"no! no…" jaehyun quickly shot down the allegations, shaking his head. the older boy tried to dissuade jungwoo. "it's really not that interesting. just a quiz."

jungwoo raised an eyebrow, clearly not going to let this go until he finds out what jaehyun is hiding. "a quiz at this hour? do you really think i’d believe that?"

just as jaehyun was about to respond, jungwoo grabbed the laptop, opened it, and glanced at the screen. his eyes widened as he read the results, and he couldn't help but burst into laughter.

"it says you're as gay as a unicorn riding a rainbow. i feel like that's slightly sexual," jungwoo exclaimed, still laughing at the absurdity of it all.

jaehyun's face turned bright red, and he tried to snatch the laptop back. "give that back, jungwoo! it's just a dumb quiz!”

the younger boy was thoroughly amused as he held the laptop out of jaehyun's reach and continued to tease, "i feel like if you’re searching for a 'are you gay?' quiz is answer enough, don't you think?" he paused to catch his breath. "but hey, it's okay if you are. i mean... look, there are even 'gay dilfs near your area’.” jungwoo said, laughing again and pointing at a pop-up ad that had appeared.

the older boy buried his face in his hands, utterly mortified. jungwoo finally calmed himself down and gave his laptop back, and jaehyun wasted no time putting it behind him and under his blankets away from jungwoo.

"hey, you know i'm gay too, right? i'll support you whether you're gay or not. you don't have to be ashamed about it, that's unless if you don't like taemin, then you're obviously getting kicked out," jungwoo said with a grin, getting up from the bed and walking to the door. his hand on jaehyun's door as he's midway out, he stuck his tongue out, and jaehyun put up a middle finger.

"you can always talk to me if you need to, hyung," jungwoo said as he left, leaving jaehyun with a smile. at least he had one person.

suddenly, jaehyun's phone lit up with a notification. he clicked on it, half-expecting something silly. the reply on reddit simply read, "you're gay." those two words stood out on the screen, and jaehyun couldn't help but giggle at the blunt response. thanks so much user “pussyblunt127” that was so, extremely helpful. truly an eye-opener.

as he laid his head on his pillow, jaehyun decided that tonight wasn't the night to undergo massive change. he'd leave it for tomorrow jaehyun to deal with. for now, he closed his eyes, feeling a sense of ease now, but then his phone pinged with another message disturbing the peace. jaehyun was getting irritated as he opened the messaging app, already annoyed by his lack of sleep.

mark: bro lets go out tmrw yuta and johnny miss u 
read at 2:41 am

mark: i got weed

jae: bet im coming tmr

Chapter Text

"jaehyun, oh my god, we haven't seen you in so long—“ mark exclaimed, putting his arms up to embrace the older boy in a hug. 

jaehyun's eyes darted around the locker room. "where is it?" he abruptly cut off mark.

mark sighed and took out the bag of weed from his back pocket, handing it to jaehyun. he wasted no time and rolled a joint, taking a deep drag.

after exhaling a puff of smoke, jaehyun leaned back, his eyes half-lidded. "okay, now i can function and talk to you guys. i missed you guys too." johnny and yuta both just laughed at him.

“okay, weirdo. you fall off the face of the earth, don’t talk to us for weeks, and you come back to smoke some weed?” johnny says as yuta’s laughter dies down. mark pinches his nose as the smell of weed fills the locker room.

jaehyun crosses his arms and puts one of his hand up to his mouth, pretending to think before putting a finger out and saying “well… yeah. that’s why im here.” acting like johnny just stated the obvious, not seeing the actual problem.

johnny pretended to choke him before mark pulled them apart. yuta spoke up, “okay guys, no murder. i don’t want to be in charge of hiding anyone’s bodies or representing anyone in court. let’s go out, i’m hungry.”

jaehyun nodded in agreement as he and mark walked out together. he noticed johnny waiting back to whisper something to yuta as he was grabbing his bag. he tries to put it past him but it still bothers him, are they talking about him? 

he felt a surge of frustration. if they were actually talking about him, then fuck them. whether he chose to talk to everyone or nobody for the rest of his life shouldn't be any of their concerns. if they had an issue, they should just be able to talk to him. with a deep breath, jaehyun tried to put it behind him and continued walking, focusing on enjoying his time with his friends.

as they walked out of the locker room and into the corridor, jaehyun still couldn't shake off the feeling that they were talking about him. he just needed to know. the older boy decided to ask mark, despite the fact that mark was younger and looked up to him, jaehyun trusted him.   

"hey, mark," jaehyun began in a hushed tone, "did you hear what johnny and yuta were saying back there? i couldn't really make it out, but i think they were talking about me."

mark glanced at jaehyun with a thoughtful expression, his footsteps slowing as he considered the situation. "yeah, i heard something too, dude,” he admitted, his voice equally low. "but honestly, man, it could be about anything. let’s not like jump to conclusions. maybe they were just joking around."

jaehyun nodded, appreciating mark's attempt to reassure him but it didn't make much of a difference. "you're right," he said, making another attempt to shake off the uncertainty. "i guess the weed is just making me paranoid.” he tried to humor.

"man, no matter what, i'll never be a stoner like you guys," mark laughed as he started walking ahead toward the door.

"haechan's a stoner in the making, does he get a pass?" jaehyun smirked, his mind calming down as the mood lightened. 

mark tried to keep his cool, “what does haechan have to do with any of this?”

jaehyun just grinned wider and patted mark on the back. "you obviously like him. hyung knows everythinggg," the older boy stretched out his words, playfully shaking mark's shoulders as he continued to poke fun at his crush on haechan.

yuta came running behind them, draping an arm over jaehyun’s shoulders. "heyyy, what are we talking about?" johnny followed behind him.

jaehyun felt a bit tense, but he hasn’t seen his friends in a while, so he didn't want to ruin the moment by confronting them right then and there.



all four of college students walked off of the campus and to a new cafe near by, let me rephrase. all four broke college students left the campus and headed to an affordable cafe nearby, which was also run by other broke college students, except, those students were more exhausted and working.

when they stepped into the cafe, jaehyun took in the entire atmosphere. it seemed like a comfortable place to study, and the prices didn't seem too bad for, well, only drinks. this is the unfortunate result of inflation.

yuta gestured for the others to take a seat and offered to treat them since he's the most financially stable among the four. none of them know how he's making all this money, but jaehyun's convinced he has a sugar daddy supporting him. not that jaehyun has anything against that, he supports the grind. 

mark, genuinely curious and wanting to get straight to the point, leaned forward and asked, "jaehyun, seriously, where have you been? no basketball, no parties—have you finally decided to go to therapy?”

johnny chimed in, "yeah, man, we thought maybe you died in a ditch or something."

the junior cleared his throat and said, “oh i wish that were the case, but i’ve decided to grace my classes with my presence."

yuta approached them, carrying a tray of drinks, and joked, "oh, of course, and i'm secretly a world-famous chef."

mark cringed at the thought of gordon ramsay being the first person that came to mind, and johnny added, "the last time you attended a class and actually sat through it without complaints, dinosaurs still roamed the earth."

“well, i’m a brand new person.” he simply shrugged.

"so, what's the real reason, jae? have you actually learned something by going to class for once? is the class sex-ed? wait… don’t tell me. going to class is actually code word for orgies?” yuta pretended to gasp for the dramatics, while mark made fake gagging sounds on the side.

jaehyun playfully punched yuta's shoulder and rolled his eyes at their exaggerated responses. “no! oh, my god. never that, and to answer your question… i’ve just met someone new.”

mark raised an eyebrow, “dude? someone new? a secret girlfriend?"

“our jaehyun? secret relationship? he hasn’t committed to a relationship since…” yuta began counting on his fingers, but jaehyun placed his hand over his.

“stop. you don’t have to count.” jaehyun deadpanned. 

"well, she has to be really something if she has you going to your classes," johnny said, thoughtfully.

suddenly, jaehyun remembered that he hadn't told his friends that he was gay. he hesitated, unsure of how they would react. just as he was about to speak up, mark interrupted them.

mark, intrigued by jaehyun's revelation, leaned forward. "someone new, huh? tell us more, man. what's this person like?"

jaehyun couldn't help but feel the irony of the situation. here he was, surrounded by friends who were all openly gay, yet he wouldn't admit to them that he was gay too. he decided to keep playing his role as the token hetero of the group. "oh, she's sooo amazing, guys, you won't believe it. she's got this incredible talent for... interpretive dance… yeah, interpretive dance.”

johnny’s eyes widened, struggling to maintain a straight face. “interpretive dance? that's the secret to your newfound dedication to class?”

jaehyun nodded with a serious expression. it was a risky lie, but since he had already started, he might as well keep going. "absolutely. you won't believe the way my body can bend now, like... my flexibility is insane."

“i might need to see that in person to be the judge,” yuta smirked, jaehyun groaned loudly in annoyance.

“dude… i don’t like where this conversation is going,” mark said, suddenly lost in his train of thoughts.

johnny waved a hand over mark’s face but got no reaction. “are you… imagining jaehyun in weird positions right now?” the taller boy asked, which got mark to snap out of his imagination.

“yeah…” he said shamefully, his face turning red as the group burst into laughter. the conversation drifted to another topic as jaehyun slowly zoned out of the conversation. he got a vibration from the back of his pocket and took out his phone slowly, looking at the notifications from under the table.

doyoung: can i come over tonight?

doyoung: my mistake, i will* come over tonight.

jaehyun choked, why would doyoung ask such a random question? he didn't even give him a choice to say no. did doyoung really think so highly of himself that he believed jaehyun couldn't resist him? because, he would be right, but still. how would a normal person supposed to respond to this? the others looked at jaehyun suspiciously, who was being secretive on his phone, his face all red and embarrassed.

“a girl’s got you like that? i can’t believe this… are you sure you’re jaehyun?” yuta said dramatically.

mark coughed, “sooo… when will we meet this mysterious dancer girlfriend of yours?” 

jaehyun sighed inwardly, knowing he'd have to deal with mark's curiosity later but it gave him an idea of how to respond to the text. he quickly replied to doyoung's message, then turned his attention back to his friends.

"soon, very soon. and she's not my girlfriend!" jaehyun responded, attempting to downplay the situation while his friends continued to tease him mercilessly. it was a half-lie and half-truth.

after eating, the four of them spent the day walking around outside, checking out stores and browsing through menus. as it got darker, johnny said it was time to go their separate ways and head home. yuta nodded and suggested they do karaoke next time. jaehyun just sort of went along with it, not really into the conversation. that’s if there even is a next time. sue him for his pessimistic personality if you must, but that's just who he is.

it was already dark outside by the time jaehyun got back to his apartment, and he wasn't really expecting doyoung to come over. but he was so, so wrong. as soon as he opened the door to the apartment, he found it a bit odd that the lights were on. maybe jungwoo was home? but he was pretty sure jungwoo wasn't going to be home until past midnight.

"jungwoo?" he called out while leaning against the wall, one hand on it and the other busy taking off his shoes. fully expecting to hear jungwoo’s voice. 

“who's jungwoo? don't tell me you're already talking to other guys now…” doyoung said, smirking as he walked into the hallway to see jaehyun. the younger boy stumbled, losing his balance. that was the last thing he expected.

"no—wait, hold on, what the hell? doyoung, how did you even get inside?" jaehyun blinked excessively in confusion.

"well, next time, don't leave your keys sticking out of a plant. you're lucky it was me who found them and not some rando intruder. what would you do without all these... shinee posters?" doyoung chuckled, his eyes briefly glancing over to the other room.

"what? no, that's not my room, that's my roommate's. anyway, that's not the point! you can't just barge into my apartment without my permission and start snooping around!" jaehyun's frustration was growing, and doyoung's smirk only grew wider. he approached jaehyun, who instinctively moved backward until his back was against the front door. 

"aw, are you mad? well, i'm sorry, but i did give you a heads-up when i texted you” doyoung reminded before turning his back and heading into jaehyun's room. jaehyun ran up to his side, moving as quickly as possible to stop doyoung from seeing anything he shouldn't.

doyoung flipped on the lights and stood in the middle of the room, his expression neutral and unreadable.

"what's with that look?” jaehyun asked, crouched down and tossing his things under his bed.

“it’s just so… boring” doyoung pointed out.

"don't you think that's a bit harsh?" jaehyun replied, sitting on the floor beside his bed, peering over his shoulder. doyoung wasn't wrong; his room was as bland as jaehyun's personality. it lacked almost everything, just white walls, a bed, a dresser, and the fact that he had more than one shirt and pair of pants in his closet was a shocker to doyoung.

the older boy picked up a pair of boxers from the pile of clothes on the ground, but before he could do anything with them, jaehyun slapped them out of his hands. doyoung just laughed at the younger boy's embarrassed blush.

"i'm hungry. where's your kitchen?" doyoung asked, losing interest in jaehyun's room. he walked out, and jaehyun hurried behind him, growing increasingly irritated by the older boy’s erratic behavior. doyoung asked for his help, yet he was walking around the house as if he lived here. the audacity of this man.

jaehyun sucked in his breath as he followed doyoung into the kitchen. "it's over there," jaehyun replied curtly, pointing to the small kitchenette area. he leaned against the kitchen counter, watching as doyoung started going through the cabinets without asking for permission.

doyoung pulled out a pre-packaged cup of noodles and soy sauce. "why is this the only thing in here?" he furrowed his eyebrows, then turned to look at jaehyun. his eyes fell on the overflowing trash can filled with takeout boxes, answering at least one of his questions.

jaehyun plopped himself onto a stool and rested his cheek on his palm, a hint of annoyance in his voice. "because it's cheap and it tastes good."

doyoung shook his head disapprovingly. "but it's not good for you. there are a million other things you could have chosen that aren't... artificial cancer-inducing noodles."

"again," jaehyun repeated with exasperation, "it's cheap and it tastes good." he wasn't in the mood for a lecture on his eating habits and a whole health lesson, especially not from doyoung. the older boy just rolled his eyes.

"you need to be incarnated for this.” doyoung said narrowing his eyes and staring down at his cup noodles with pity then back to jaehyun. "is there anything else to eat?" he asked, urging jaehyun to tell him that, yes, he does in fact have a secret stock of organic and fresh ingredients in his refrigerator.

the younger boy just laughed at doyoung's reaction and shook his head in amusement. doyoung just sighed and started preparing the cup noodles without saying anything more. the kitchen filled with the sound of boiling water and the familiar smell of the instant meal.

as they sat quietly, jaehyun's annoyance faded away. he finally broke the silence and asked, "soo... why did you come here? just to make fun of me in my own home?”

the older boy crossed his arms and let out a dramatic gasp in response. "wowww, you think i'd stoop that low? thanks for the idea though, but i actually got you a gift." jaehyun finally noticed the big white tote bag on the couch, which had a print of water lillies.

doyoung drained the water from the ramen, added the seasoning powder to the noodles, and transferred it all into a bowl, all in an effort to maintain his dignity from the fact he was eating packaged cup noodles. he then grabbed a fork and took a bite.

"what's in it? the bag, i mean.” jaehyun asked, focusing his attention back on doyoung.

"why don't you take a look?" the older boy motioned towards the bag with his chin, indicating to him that he should check it himself, all while having a fork of noodles to his mouth. jaehyun flinched, remembering the girl from that night, who did the same gesture doyoung did. he pushed that thought aside and got up from the stool to walk over to the couch.

jaehyun searched through the heavy bag, sifting past the phone and "emergency items": a handful of napkins, a phone charger, hand sanitizer, and even a condom—he grimaced; he wasn't even going to ask—until he found a random music player. he held it up in the air for doyoung to see from the kitchen and asked, "is this it?"

the older boy put the fork down and nodded with a smile. "yeah, that's it."

jaehyun furrowed his brow in confusion. "but why? i don't even have a cd to play with," he asked, leaning in closer to get a better look at the music player.

doyoung chuckled. "well, it's not just any music player," he explained, his eyes glistening. "i put in a bunch of songs that i liked and that reminded me of you."

"oh," jaehyun responded, setting the music player down. he was dumb-founded. doyoung always knew how to surprise him, because this was nothing he was expecting. "can i put some on right now?" he asked, speaking softly.

doyoung smiled warmly and nodded. "go ahead," he said, reaching over to turn on the music player. 

the quiet room began to fill with music, starting with 'no plan'. doyoung stood up, placed the empty bowl of noodles in the sink, washed his hands, and rinsed his mouth with water. then, he walked over to jaehyun, took his hand, and pulled the younger boy off the armrest of the couch.

"what do you think you're doing?" jaehyun whined, trying to retreat back to the couch, but doyoung pulled him back.

"dance with me," doyoung insisted, loosening his grip on the younger boy's wrists.

jaehyun hesitated for a moment, his cheeks flushing with shyness. the black-haired boy flashed a smile. "honey, enjoy, it's gettin' late." he said, mouthing the lyrics that kept playing in the background. 

the younger boy just rolled his eyes, but he allowed himself to be led to the center of the room. doyoung's hands found their place on jaehyun's waist, and jaehyun rested his hands on doyoung's shoulders.

jaehyun struggled to keep up with doyoung's movements, stepping on the older boy's feet and his own a few times. but gradually, they fell into sync, and the awkwardness transformed into genuine fun.

"i'll be your man if you got love to get done." doyoung said, lip-syncing the lyrics. as the song started coming to an end, their bodies moved closer, and jaehyun's heart raced. doyoung's hand slid from jaehyun's waist to the small of his back, pulling him even closer than before. their faces were now just inches apart from kissing, and god, jaehyun wanted it. their breaths mingling as they moved to the music.

their eyes met, and jaehyun's heart felt like it was about to flat line right then and there. he blushed and buried his face in the crook of doyoung's neck to hide. doyoung laughed and placed his head on top of jaehyun's hair as they continued to dance. 

doyoung gently pulled jaehyun away from him and planted a sweet kiss on the younger boy's forehead. jaehyun thought he was about to throw up his heart until he noticed doyoung reluctantly checking his phone and sighing. "i hate to do this, but it’s getting late and i should probably get home now," he said with a regretful look.

jaehyun nodded, he couldn't hide the disappointment in his eyes even if he tried. "yeah, i guess." everything in him wanted to ask doyoung to stay over, but he held back.

doyoung gave jaehyun a reassuring smile and started gathering his things. "it was fun though. i had fun."

jaehyun grinned back, multiple emotions hitting him like a truck. "yeah, it was." he walked doyoung to the door, the older boy pulled him into a hug, resting his chin on jaehyun's shoulder.

“be a doll for me and come to class on monday, okay?” doyoung winked, as he stepped out into the hallway.

there it was again, that damn nickname. jaehyun had been—not so secretly—waiting for it. he watched doyoung leave, and as soon as doyoung was out of sight, jaehyun returned to his apartment. gently closing the door behind him, he walked into his room, turned off the lights, and climbed into bed. he couldn't deny it anymore; he was so down bad for doyoung and definitely gay. but now, though, he had to figure out whether or not doyoung liked him back or if he was just playing with him. 

Chapter Text

jae: hey so im listening to the playlist, or music player, or whatever it is, and it's so different from what im used to

jae: they are so lyrical yk

jae: like.. they have lyrics with meaning, and it's not just the music. im so like.. shocked by the fact that music can be like rhis??? wtf???

doyoung: well, hello to you too

doyoung: it seems like you've had an eventful morning

jae: bro i just had an epiphany. its like a whole new world opened up for me

doyoung: well, when you listen to the same music, do the same things, and look at the same things every day, they start to lose their meaning.

doyoung: this actually gives me an idea. i'll bring it on wednesday when we see eachother.

jae: oh? you're not coming on tuesday?

doyoung: no, as much as i'd love to scribble on your notes, i have an appointment. :(

jae: fuck u

jae: how are u gna get the notes tho?

doyoung: i told the professor i'd get them from you

jae: and why the fuck would u do that?

doyoung: just felt like it. when i told him, even he was a bit skeptical. he looked at me like i was crazy. i could see it on his face that he was thinking, "the guy who got an f on the last exam?"

jae: omg fuck u actyally 

doyoung: <3

jaehyun pressed the button on the side and turned off his phone, putting it to the side. he grabbed a pillow, smacked it to his face, and groaned loudly into it. he had never done that class without doyoung, and he wasn't sure if he even trusted himself. how could doyoung believe in him? that asshole, he’s just messing with him again. 

▬

okay, fine, jaehyun will admit it. he missed doyoung.

and before you say anything, he did try. he sat through the hour-long lesson of... whatever, jaehyun can't even remember right now. he was so fixated on the big arrow, waiting for it to come full circle, that he didn't even notice. you can't blame him; he was used to doyoung passing him notes in class to telling him to pay attention. the moment he sat down in his seat during class, he regretted coming. he was so incredibly bored.

so, the moment class ended, he was the first to get up out of his seat. the chair almost fell back, but jaehyun kept that in mind. he wasn't that terrible. jaehyun hurriedly gathered his things, trying not to make too much noise. as he stuffed his notebook and pen into his bag, he glanced over at doyoung's empty seat. fuck, he missed him.

with a sigh, jaehyun slung his bag over his shoulder and headed towards the door. he wasn't even going to bother going to his last class, he was just going straight home. even though he knew how much doyoung hated him skipping classes, there was no point. no doyoung meant no reason to stay.

once the stairs of his apartment started looking familiar, jaehyun could really feel the weight of his decisions starting to crash down onto him. he put the keys in the door lock and hesitated to open the door, for a split second he considered turning back and going to his class. but just as he was about to make that decision, he heard noises from inside.

all of his concerns disappeared as he quickly opened the door, cursing under his breath. he grabbed a random object ¹  from a small table by the doorway and walked cautiously into the living room, his back slightly hunched.

suddenly, he felt a tap on his shoulder and turned around so fast, swinging the object in his hand, just to see that it was doyoung. the object would've almost hit doyoung straight in the face if it weren't for doyoung's god-given reflexes.

"woah, did i piss you off that much that you want to kill me?" doyoung said, a grin spreading across his face.

"oh, my god! doyoung, you ass! i could've seriously hurt you," jaehyun yelled, tossing the object onto the couch. he'd worry about it later. "why are you here?"

"i could ask you the same question. why are you home early?" doyoung said nonchalantly, as if this was totally normal. he walked over to the couch and made himself comfortable.

jaehyun rubbed the back of his neck. "i just felt like coming home."

doyoung's stern expression softened as he looked at jaehyun. "that's not a good excuse," he stated. "my appointment ended earlier, so i thought i'd come by and drop off some things. i expected you to be home later."

doyoung pointed toward the kitchen with his thumb. jaehyun's eyes followed to see bags of groceries next to the refrigerator.

jaehyun was completely lost for words. "you didn't need to do all this," he stammered, walking over to the bags, crouching down to level with them and going through them. "how can you even afford all of this? you're a college student!"

"i have a job?" doyoung questioned, laughing at jaehyun's surprise. 

"what kind of job are you doing to make this kind of money?" jaehyun asked, shaking his head. “nevermind, this can’t do. i'll pay you back."

doyoung stood up from the couch and leaned on the counter, his arms resting on it. "don't worry about that. also, check that black cotton bag," he said, directing his eyes toward the one reusable cotton bag that stood out among the white plastic ones with "thank you, have a nice day" printed on them.

jaehyun's curiosity piqued as he carefully reached into the black cotton bag. he felt around and his hand brushed against a rectangular object. pulling it out, he looked at it with surprise—it was a reproduction of "the great wave off kanagawa."

but jaehyun’s confused, this is so unlike him. he turned abruptly to the older boy who was looking down at him. "doyoung, i thought you couldn't stand mainstream stuff," jaehyun said, genuinely curious about doyoung's answer. he glanced down at the painting once more. "it's really nice, but it's just unexpected coming from you."

doyoung grinned, clearly pleased with jaehyun's reaction. "i never said that," he began. "it's just that when you see a painting made over and over again, it just loses its meaning.”

“elaborate?" jaehyun furrowed his brow.

doyoung leaned against the counter, looking down at the painting from above. he gestured towards the waves and boats depicted in the artwork. “the painting, both literally and metaphorically, shows a powerful force. and we know nature doesn't yield to anyone, but the people in the boat are still out there, fighting off the wave. it's like a reminder to keep pushing. but when something becomes super popular, and everyone has seen it a million times, you don’t really see that part anymore.”

jaehyun nodded, understanding doyoung's point. “so, you're saying that when something becomes too popular, its real message gets lost?"

doyoung nodded back. “basically.”

“but what does that have to do with me?” jaehyun asked, looking dumbfounded.

the older boy just shrugged, “depends on how you see it.”

doyoung pushed himself off the table and straightened his back, suppressing a yawn with his hand. he pulled his phone out of his pocket and checked the time. "i have to go to work now, though."

"what? you just got here. aren't you going to at least eat something?" jaehyun asked, cringing at how he sounded exactly like a typical asian mom.

doyoung raised an eyebrow. "you know how to cook? last time i was here, i remember you only had cup noodles and soy sauce... maybe some other time, when you've learned a few recipes," he said bluntly.

jaehyun sighed, he couldn't argue with that, so he just let doyoung leave.

once doyoung was gone, jaehyun immediately turned to his phone. he scrolled through multiple tiktok recipes that he knew were way too advanced for his cup-noodles-and-soy-sauce amateur level.

unexpectedly, a notification from someone appeared on the top of his screen, prompting him to click on it. it turned out to just be yuta and johnny, asking him if he wanted to go get bubble tea.

jaehyun let out a lengthy, contemplative sigh, took a moment to think, and figured he had nothing else to do. he got up, picked up his bag from near the door, and grabbed a $10 bill from his dressing table.

jaehyun threw his phone into his bag, hung it over his shoulder, and made his way to the door. he took a brief glance around to make sure he didn't forget anything, he stepped out, joining his friends for an impromptu bubble tea date. 

▬

once jaehyun stepped off the bus, his legs felt heavy as he headed to the bubble tea shop's front. he glanced around, his face blank as he saw yuta and johnny waiting near the entrance. he picked up his pace to catch up with them.

yuta and johnny greeted him with open arms and smiles. "you look different," yuta noted.

jaehyun groaned. "let's just go inside," he said, rolling his eyes as he pushed the door open. a bell above the entrance jingled.

the moment he stepped inside, he immediately noticed the scent of freshly brewed tea because it hit jaehyun hard, almost as if it smacked him straight in the face. then came the annoying sounds of noisy customers and their distinct conversations. that used to be him, unnecessarily loud and obnoxious for no good reason. yuta's unwanted opinion did hold some truth; he did change. as get gets on the line he takes a moment to take in his surroundings, noticing that the atmosphere was as cloying as it smelled, with teal walls and menus handwritten in chalk, showcasing both fancy and plain font options.

jaehyun didn't even realize that it was time for him and yuta to order until yuta snapped his fingers in jaehyun's face, grabbing his attention.

"sorry, i zoned out," the younger boy apologized.

"just order already. i want to get my drink now," yuta whined, tapping his foot in ingenuine annoyance, but he wore a smile on his face, making it clear that it was all in good fun.

"uhm, yes, right... can i get a, uhhh..." jaehyun stretched his words, buying time to glance at the menu and simply settling for the first thing he saw. "brown sugar milk tea?" he mumbled sheepishly.

"will that be a medium or a large?" the barista asked.

"oh, is there no small?" jaehyun questioned, receiving a flat smack on the back of his head. "ow, what the hell was that for?" jaehyun protested, rubbing the back of his head and glancing at yuta beside him.

"where on that damn menu does it say small? idiot," yuta whispered loudly, his eyes darting between the menu and jaehyun.

“it’s just a question! is that a crime?” jaehyun muttered under his breath.

"sir?" the cashier reminded, bringing jaehyun's attention back, making him feel embarrassed as he noticed the line behind him growing longer.

"uh, sorry. can i get a medium?" jaehyun finally decided.

the barista nodded and said, "okay, and your total is... $9.25."

jaehyun faltered when he had to hand over his money. once he received his receipt, he moved to the side with yuta and leaned in to whisper, " $9.25? since when? we used to come here every day during our freshman year, and it was at least $4.30!" 

yuta laughed at the fact that jaehyun was clearly upset, "have you been living under a rock? it's been like this for a while now." jaehyun just grumbled in response.

"anyways, i forgot to ask," yuta said, leaning against the 'order received here' sign. "how did you get home that night? when me and johnny left, we didn't see you. actually... i don't know if i was seeing things wrong, but i saw you leave with someone."

jaehyun stayed silent, considering his response. once their drinks arrived, they walked over to johnny and their table.

once he sat down, he shifted in his seat as he remembered the uncomfortable memory from that night.

"so? what's wrong, jaehyun? never seen that many gay people in your life?" yuta teased, but he didn't know better. jaehyun looked him dead in the eye.

"no... it's not that. i just saw someone from our school there," jaehyun said.

"yeah, jaehyun, there are other gay people at our school apart from johnny and me," yuta giggled, still not catching on.

“no it’s not that either…” jaehyun said, hoping his friends would just get it without him having to spell it out. 

"then what's the problem?" yuta continued to press. anxiety washed over jaehyun.

"like someone worked there and... ugh... i don't know," jaehyun stammered, struggling to find the right words.

"hmm..." johnny thought for a moment, trying to make sense of what jaehyun was saying. "i know someone who works there. maybe you're talking about him?"

jaehyun shook his head firmly. "no, no. it was a girl i saw there," he said confidently.

"news flash... that wasn't a straight club... and girls don't go to a bar for gay men, jaehyun," yuta added, shutting jaehyun up.

"i guess..." jaehyun replied, it was what jaehyun initially thought anyways. as he was lost in his train of though, he looked down at his hands and suddenly remembered his drink that he completely forgotten about. he put the straw to his mouth, then pulled away with widened eyes.

"fuck, this is so good." jaehyun blurted out mid-sip, this was definitely worth $9.25. he would sell his left nut sack for this if he needed to. his reaction made both yuta and johnny laugh.

yuta placed his hand on top of jaehyun, making his face flat. "what happened to us today financially," he starts and then looking to johnny and continuing, "can never happen again." they were most definitely coming back next week, the week after that, and the week after that, and so on. sometimes, you needed an overpriced little beverage, even if it was—most definitely—unnecessary, to reduce stress after a long day and keep the doctor away.

but then, jaehyun thought about what johnny had said. "hold on, johnny... you said you knew someone who worked there?"

"yeah, why? what happened?" johnny asked.

"i can't say yet. i just need to know to confirm something," jaehyun replied, feeling increasingly desperate.

johnny and yuta exchanged concerned glances. sensing jaehyun's urgency, johnny leaned in closer and lowered his voice.

"jaehyun, you're starting to worry me. what's this all about?" he asked, his concern growing.

jaehyun hesitated for a moment, realizing he couldn't keep them in the dark any longer than he already has. these were his fucking best friends, for crying out loud. it's one thing if they were homophobic, but they were literally gay themselves.

taking a deep breath, he finally spoke up, "okay, guys, i'll be honest. i think i might have seen someone from school at that bar, and it's making me really anxious."

yuta questioned, “i mean, yeah. that’s not that crazy, but why does that make you anxious?”

"no, no. i saw this girl there, and... i mean… oh, my god. fuck it, i saw a girl who turned out to be a guy, and then we did... you know what," jaehyun said quickly, stumbling over all of his words.

johnny furrowed both of his eyebrows, urging jaehyun to continue and finish his sentence.

"we did it! we fucked!" jaehyun confessed a little louder than he should have, feeling a weight being lifted off his chest. but now another concern was growing in his stomach.

yuta and johnny shared another look, this time with a bit of understanding. yuta was the first to break the silence, this time with a different and more supportive approach. "jaehyun, it's okay. we're not judging you. we're just surprised you didn't tell us sooner.”

johnny nodded in agreement. "yeah, man, and we were the ones who took you there in the first place.”

“thanks, but,” jaehyun continued, "i just want to know who it was."

both jaehyun and yuta looked to johnny, waiting for an answer or at least something close to one. “guys, i’m not supposed to say… that’s someone else’s private business.”

“please, johnny?” jaehyun gave him puppy dog eyes, but the older boy still didn’t budge.

“i’ll buy you food every day for a month,” yuta chimed in with his support.

“you too!?” johnny put a hand on his chest and dramatically gaped his mouth in shock.

yuta rolled his eyes. “i’m just curious…” he explained, which made jaehyun chuckle.

“the next five months, and you've got yourself a deal,” johnny bargained, and yuta gagged on his drink. “are you serious?!” he looked to jaehyun, who used the same puppy dog eye trick on him again, and this time it worked.

“fine. five months. now spill!” yuta put his hands up and then crossed his arms.

"well, it could be my friend taeyong, but he quit a couple of months ago, which was way before we went. the only person i could think of is, uh..." johnny trailed off, feeling jaehyun's intense eyes on him, which made him nervous. he finally continued, "...doyoung," he confessed, now looking directly at jaehyun.

yuta's eyes widened in shock, and he nearly choked on his drink. "doyoung?! as in... kim doyoung? seriously!?" he exclaimed, clearly taken aback by the new found information. “bro, you’re lying right now.”

“no way, man. i’d never lie about shit like that.” johnny said.

“dude, he’s literally always busy studying, and he’s like the biggest nerd… actually, now that i think about it, i'm not that surprised he has a freaky side to him... it's always the quiet ones,” yuta considered, making johnny laugh.

but jaehyun, on the other hand, had an entirely different reaction. his heart sank at the realization. it was as if the ground had been pulled out from under him and swallowed him whole. jaehyun remained silent, his mind racing as he struggled to grasp the fact that doyoung had been lying to him this entire time, playing with his feelings. fuck, he trusted doyoung. he literally took his ass virginity and acted like he didn't even know jaehyun, despite all the time they've known each other, there were so many chances that doyoung could’ve told him the truth but didn’t.

the word 'asshole' kept circling in his head before yuta began rubbing circles into jaehyun's hands, pulling him out of his thoughts.

“hey, you okay?” yuta asked, concern in his eyes.

jaehyun managed a weak, shit excuse for a half-smile. "fuck, no. that dick—stop laughing, yuta!—literally lied to me."

yuta put a hand over his mouth and looked down, trying to calm himself but failing miserably. johnny just shook his head in disapproval of yuta and his middle schooler humor. “you should talk to him, if you want.” he advised. 

with a heavy sigh, jaehyun nodded. "yeah, i definitely will. it's just... i can't believe he'd do something like this."

johnny patted jaehyun's shoulder reassuringly. "we'll be here for you, i'll even throw eggs at his apartment for you."

jaehyun couldn't help but smile despite how shitty the situation was. “thanks, but don’t. i want to do that part myself.” he winked, receiving dramatic “ohhh” sounds from yuta and johnny.

yuta finally stopped his laughing and slammed both his hands onto the table, making jaehyun jump a little in his seat. "now that we got that sappy shit out of the way, i was never good at that. thanks, johnny, by the way," he turned and smiled at him, and johnny mouthed "you're welcome" before turning back to jaehyun. "why didn't you tell us you were gay?" yuta asked, his tone half-serious now.

jaehyun groaned, he knew he was never ever going to be able to escape this conversation about his gay awakening. it was inevitable, and the fact that it had happened at a cross-dressing gay strip club made it all the more fitting.

foot notes

1."jaehyun," jungwoo began, leaning over the couch cushions to look down at jaehyun, "don't you think this place is a bit... boring? we should add some decorations to make it feel more like home."

jaehyun, who was more focused on unpacking his belongings, glanced around the room. "i don't know, jungwoo. i don't care much about decorating. just add whatever you want."

the younger boy rolled his eyes, feeling that jaehyun lacked creative liberty. he found him a bit uninteresting in that department... and every other department. but that was besides the point. on the positive side, however, this gave jungwoo the chance to decorate the apartment however he wanted, and he was excited about it.

jungwoo went into his room to use his laptop and order items on amazon, slamming the door loudly behind him, which made jaehyun jump.

"you'll break the door!" jaehyun yelled from the middle of the living room before returning his attention back to his unpacking.

the next day, jungwoo came home with a huge amazon cardboard box under his shoulder.

"what's in that?" jaehyun raised an eyebrow, looking suspicious.

"i don't know, i kinda forgot," jungwoo laughed, jumping over the couch and plopping down next to jaehyun. he used his long nails to cut through the tape in the middle of the box and took out the bubble wrap. jaehyun tried to grab it to play with, but jungwoo slapped his hand away.

"mine," jungwoo declared, sticking his tongue out and putting the bubble wrap aside for later.

"whatever," jaehyun mumbled, closing his eyes and turning his shoulder away from jungwoo, pretending to be uninterested. but, he couldn't help but sneak a peek at what jungwoo had pulled out of the box.

inside the box was a peculiarly shaped ceramic chicken. jaehyun, despite claiming to act like a freethinker, couldn't help but look at the object.

jaehyun finally turned to jungwoo, unable to hold back his curiosity anymore. "okay, i have to ask, what the actual fuck is that?”

jungwoo grinned, holding up the ceramic decoration. "it's art, jaehyun. it’s unique and special, and it’ll keep all bad away from us. it’s like our guardian angel."

jaehyun gave the younger boy a skeptical look, narrowing his eyes. "well, it's definitely unique, that's for sure. people are so creative these days…" he chuckled, taking the clay chicken out of jungwoo's hands and walking over to the mini table by their doorway. he placed the chicken right by a fake flower pot.



"well, would you look at that," jaehyun said, smiling. he was satisfied with how perfectly it fit.



"see! i told you, i should order more chickens, right? i'll do it right now—" jungwoo began, turning on his heel, but jaehyun grabbed him by the wrist. he used his hand to wave it across his neck, gesturing that no, he shouldn't. (return to text)

Chapter Text

jaehyun has made up his mind. he'll never allow himself to feel hurt ever, again.

he’s so used to being the one to leave others before they can leave him, hurting them in the process. but he didn’t care, he had no idea what it meant to be hurt and he was accustomed to it. 

so, when he finally has his heart torn out of his chest and stomped on right in front of him, watching it bleed and pulse while gasping for air, he feels hurt. he's been so ensnared in his own head that his immediate response is to find something to distract him from his issues instead of confronting them.

going to the basketball court became his first defense of the day against his invasive thoughts. jaehyun couldn't take his eyes off the ball as it bounced up and down, consistently. it had him engrossed in its motion. the repetitive sound completely captivated him, comme un sort.

at one point, jaehyun found himself seated on the benches. he couldn't even remember stopping or how he had ended up there; it was as if his body had acted on its own, like he was a mere vessel for some ghost or a demon that just so happened to be a basketball prodigy, among other things. he was so detached from himself, just spectating from the sidelines.

jaehyun unconsciously pulled out his phone from his pocket, as if his involuntary muscles were naturally required to do so. he lethargically swiped his finger across the screen, dismissing the "+10 new messages" notification bubble on his lock screen.

johnny: so what's the verdict? never talk to him again? fight him? all of the above?

yuta: it better be. bc if it was me, i wouldn’t take that kind of disrespect lmfao. btw good luck with ratting that skunk bitch out

johnny: stfu

johnny: but yeah, talk to him man, good luck soldier 🫡

jaehyun let out a deep, audible groan. there was so much pressure on him from his friends to confront doyoung. and as much as he appreciates it, he doesn’t know if he’s prepared for an answer.

his eyes remained fixated on his phone, lost in thought, as he thought about how to reply to his friends. beads of perspiration formed on his forehead, trickling down his temples.

suddenly, he felt a cold water bottle touch his overheated skin, and he glanced up to see doyoung standing there. this must be the wegner’s effect.

"you should drink some water. you look like you need it," doyoung said with a concerned tone.

jaehyun couldn't help but ask, "what are you doing here?"

doyoung replied softly, "just wanted to see you."

hearing those words made jaehyun's heart skip a beat and he quickly looked the other direction.

doyoung took a seat beside him, still offering the water bottle. "are you going to take it?"

jaehyun replied curtly, "no, i don't want anything from you."

doyoung chuckled, but jaehyun's frustration was apparent. "what's wrong?" doyoung asked, genuinely curious.

just as jaehyun was about to voice his thoughts, his words got stuck in his throat. they both heard a sudden shout of "duck!" and before he could react, something hit jaehyun square in the face.

▬

doyoung brought jaehyun to the infirmary, there was only one on the college campus and there were rarely ever any people. he sat by the younger boy's side with his head in his shoulders, his eyes fixed on his chest rising and falling with a steady and consistent rhythm.

doyoung kept looking, he just couldn't get enough. the older boy's fingers gently traced the contours of younger's face, curious of what jaehyun was thinking about. he was so, so, vulnerable in this state. but he thinks—no, he knows, jaehyun trusts him.

jaehyun's sweaty forehead clung to the white sheets, mumbling incoherent words in his unconscious state. doyoung leaned in closer to listen. he couldn't really make anything out but amid the undecipherable words, he heard something that made his heart skip a beat:

"sorry.. doie… that i like you."

doyoung immediately pulled back, his chair scraped against the wall, making a small noise that made jaehyun flinch and turn his head in the other direction. doyoung's eyes twitched, and he tensed up, his mind racing. jaehyun's confession had slipped out while he was asleep, not meant for doyoung's ears, and he decided to brush it aside.

but of course, nothing goes as he wants.

a couple of minutes later, jaehyun fluttered his eyes open, his head pounding with pain. he had no idea where he was, only remembering the moments before his head collided with the ground in a deafening thud. scanning the room, he recognized it as the nurse's office.

he tilted his head to the left and spotted doyoung on his phone, sitting on a chair beside him. doyoung glanced up from his device and acknowledged jaehyun's presence.

"you're awake," doyoung stated matter-of-factly, as if jaehyun didn't already know. thanks so much, doyoung. what would jaehyun be without you, if not half of a person?

but in that moment, doyoung appeared exceptionally good , bathed in the setting sun seeping in through the open window. jaehyun couldn't help but blush, shifting his gaze away from doyoung. but then, doyoung reached out and gently tucked a loose strand of hair behind jaehyun's ear, noting that it was obstructing his view. it was one of the things that made jaehyun like doyoung—his ability to notice even the tiniest details and then act on them with deliberate, composed gestures.

or maybe it was just the impending headache talking.

"how are you feeling?" doyoung asked with genuine concern, not for his own personal gain.

"other than this shitty headache, i'm doing just great," jaehyun responded sarcastically, giving him a pointed stare.

doyoung leaned back, resting his head against the window sill behind him. he turned his head to look outside. "well, that's just unfortunate, but it wouldn't make much of a difference, would it?" he teased, chuckling at his own joke.

jaehyun found it more annoying than amusing. he took a sharp breath and muttered, "i don't find you funny."

"are you upset with me? you looked like you wanted to say something before your face unfortunately met with the ball," doyoung reminded, his voice low and measured.

"you don’t have to keep reminding me thanks," he groans, now he had just one more thing to worry about.

without giving himself a second to hesitate, he blurts, "i know everything."

doyoung's eyebrow shoots up in confusion. "what?" he asks, clearly caught off guard.

doyoung waits for jaehyun to respond with something, anything, but there's nothing. he narrows his eyes and asks, "what do you know, jaehyun?" his tone is serious for a change.

doyoung can see the hesitation in jaehyun's eyes. his mouth opens for a moment, like he wants to say something, but the words seem stuck in his throat. and doyoung isn’t even that tall in comparison to the younger boy, but he still manages to scare jaehyun.

growing impatient, he presses, "jaehyun?" doyoung repeats.

"i know you were lying to me!" jaehyun practically seethes, using his hands to help him sit up.

doyoung blinks at him. “what are you talking about?” he’s actually confused.

“the bar? does that ring a bell?” jaehyun scoffs. he’s right and they both know it, he can tell from the way doyoung stops smiling. now, it should be his turn to laugh, but his stupid fucking head hurt so he decided against it.

doyoung finds himself at a loss for words. "jaehyun..." he manages, struggling to form a response.

"you played with me, doyoung! you lied to me!" jaehyun interrupts, his frustration showing as he tightly clutches the light blanket draped over him. he’s just glad they're alone in the nurse's office, it spares them the embarrassment of having a public argument.

"isn't that what you do?" doyoung retorts with exasperation. he hated being accused of things. fucking hell. jaehyun wanted to hit him.

"so what? just because it's me, that makes it okay? that it justifies any of this?" jaehyun bites back, his frustration boiling over.

jaehyun looked in the older boy's eyes, searching for some sign of understanding or remorse, but all he found was nothing.

doyoung remains silent and grabs his bag from the floor, heading towards the door. he shouldn’t look back, but he does anyways.

glancing over his shoulder, he catches a glimpse of jaehyun wiping away tears from the corners of his eyes. and he regrets it, he wants to go back and hug jaehyun but he keeps walking. he has to get away from here, he doesn’t even know where he’s going but he has to get as far away as he can.

doyoung’s silence was enough for jaehyun to know that, their friends-with-benefits or situationship, whatever it was, was over. so he lets himself mourn it. crying silently into the palms of his hands as the cold air fills the room.

▬

doyoung remembers it, the first time he ever saw jaehyun.

he had to, it was basically etched in his mind like the indelible sound of a click of a camera.

it was the epitome of his major college experiences—a period of financial struggle, shared dorm rooms with his best friend, taeyong, and, annoying parties.

taeyong had just quit his job, and he and their mutual friend johnny decided to celebrate the fact that he didn't have to dress up and deal with drunk men at bars anymore.

but inviting johnny meant there would be a shit ton of people. taeyong wasn't complaining, he liked the attention, but doyoung was definitely going to hold a grudge against johnny for this for a really long time.

standing in a dark corner of their cramped living room, clutching a red solo cup, doyoung's discomfort was palpable. his back sagged against the wall, his posture was suffering the consequences of his actions, but his back wasn't straight, and by god, neither was he.

doyoung, at heart, was an observer, but to others, he's was just judgmental and "can't stop staring". he doesn't mean to, though, at least not on purpose that is.

the black haired boy couldn’t avert his eyes from the front door as more and more people poured into the living room. there was no other way to put it rather than to accept it for what it was, a boring party, with basically nothing but party sized soda bottles and alcohol.

he took a cautious sip from his cup of coca cola from the kitchen, he decided against drinking, no matter how much he wanted to. someone had to clean up after everyone left, and it definitely wasn't going to be either of them if they were both wasted.

he let out a resigned sigh. but then, in the periphery of his vision, a figure caught his attention—a strikingly tall, well-dressed boy with blonde hair. but in conflict with his undeniable good looks, he acted arrogantly.

the exact opposite of doyoung’s type, yet, he couldn't get himself to look away.

all of his experiences have taught him to never go for just looks in a guy because it never made up for their shallow personalities. it was like they were just a shell of a person and doyoung wouldn’t be able to stand being with someone like that.

he saw the boy talking with a multiple girls at once who were circled around him, all clearly interested in him. but with a face and body like that, who wouldn't be?

observing the boy from across the room, doyoung could tell just from his body language that he was just looking for some quick fuck while he was still intoxicated. and you could berate him later, but doyoung wanted to believe that he had a heart as pure as his eyes, that nobody else but him could see.

doyoung started to create this ideal image of the boy in his head, thinking that he wasn't what he showed, and if he gave doyoung the chance, he could show his true potential.

doyoung's savior complex began to take root as he watched the blonde-haired boy roll dollar bills and snort from them on his coffee table. but he did it so neatly and even brought party favors, so he couldn't be that bad.

but his delusion was short-lived when he saw the boy grind on other girls, ruining his attraction towards him. so much so that he walked out of the house and onto the patio to smoke a cigarette. as he huffed out the smoke and watched it dissipate in the cold breeze, briefly touching his cheekbones. he remembered how much work he had to do tomorrow, crushing the cigarette in his hand unconsciously. "what a waste," he cursed himself under his breath.

doyoung could see more cars pulling into the driveway. he groaned at the realization that the night wasn’t going to go by quicker, accepting defeat, and slowly opened the front door, making his way back inside. as he opened the door, someone else was also heading out and ended up spilling their drink on doyoung's shirt. they started apologizing profusely, but doyoung just ignored it. all he wanted was to sleep, so he dragged himself upstairs, the stain on his shirt sticking uncomfortably to his skin. he passed through all the loud music and couples making out, which only made him feel more single.

he had his hand on the doorknob to his bedroom but stopped halfway when he heard noise and rummaging inside. he decided to peek through the small gap he'd created, and there he saw the boy he liked making out with a girl on his bed.

now he was angry. everything was going shit. he was stuck at this dumb party with cleanup duty tomorrow, his shirt was ruined which meant he also had to do laundry too, and now some dick-for-brains asshole was fucking in his room, and it was the guy he liked too.

for once, doyoung wanted to be wrong about his judgment on someone, but it seemed like he was always right. what a shame.

doyoung wasn't a bit impressed by how quickly the boy could get a girl in bed, especially after flirting with two different ones just minutes ago. it was like he was trying to speed-run getting slapped, what’s impressive about that?

but just as doyoung was about to close the door and leave, he caught the boy sneaking glances in his direction. fucking hell. but it got worse, it always does. the boy was making out, smiling between kisses while looking directly at doyoung.

and doyoung isn’t a pervert, but he just couldn’t tear his eyes away. he kept trying to reassure himself that he’s been in worse situations, but this was undeniably the worst.

doyoung blushed deeply as he watched him intensely, sliding his hands under the girl's shirt while still maintaining eye contact with doyoung. the black-haired boy quickly closed the door and rushed downstairs, almost tripping over his own feet. "fuck," he thought, "i'll just bike over to my aunt's house tonight if i have to."

because no matter how much he wanted to wipe that smug grin off that boy’s face and kiss him, he knew he couldn't stay in the same house as him.

he walked out the house and to his bike, putting one leg over the seat. someone called out to him,

“doyoung? where are you going?” it was only taeyong, thank god.

“i’m going to go sleep at my aunt’s house, i have to wake up early tomorrow.” doyoung replied, deliberately avoiding direct eye contact with taeyong.

“you cant sleep in your room?” taeyong asked, his hand resting on the railing for balance as he stepped down the stairs.

“no! because someone’s literally fucking in there.” he complained, exhaling deeply, his cheeks still warm from earlier.

“oh,” taeyong replied, he looks up, like he’s thinking. “i should’ve known when i saw jaehyun go up there.” he remembers. as much as he loves his best friend, he’s was also upset with him. if only he told doyoung sooner, it would’ve saved him the embarrassment of walking in on him.

"well, i'll see you tomorrow morning, right? i'll let you go now," taeyong says, waving goodbye to doyoung before returning inside.

doyoung sighs, there was no point in getting mad. he couldn't turn back time and stop himself from being tired.

so, his name was jaehyun. he’s heard of that name a few times, usually followed by a variety of emotions, primarily anger or full on crying.

▬

it was just one day after jaehyun and doyoung's bar encounter, and just 30 minutes after jaehyun unexpectedly enrolls in doyoung's class. doyoung suspects that jaehyun might remember their chance meeting and came to his class just to confront him. but, when jaehyun casually asks him for free notes for the class, doyoung realizes that jaehyun is blissfully oblivious.

doyoung decides to take this as an opportunity to have some fun and mess with him. but he doesn't know enough about jaehyun to mess with him effectively.

so, after class is over, doyoung impulsively chooses to take the longer route to his next class. he heads to the far end of the college campus, passing by a quiet, secluded area where people usually go to smoke. there, he spots taeyong waiting by a vending machine, sipping chocolate milk from a carton.

"hey, taeyong," doyoung starts, as he slides to taeyong's side. taeyong looks up to notice him and gives him a smile, still sipping his drink. "what do you know about jaehyun?" he asks, his voice low.

taeyong pauses for a moment to think. he pulls away from the now-empty carton, crumples it in his hand, and casually tosses it behind him into a nearby bush. "outside of the fact that he's low-key a slut? not much," taeyong replies. he retrieves a cigarette packet from the back of his pocket, lights it, and brings it up to his mouth to smoke.

doyoung hums in consideration, using his elbow to nudge taeyong's arm, silently requesting a cigarette. he raises an eyebrow toward the cigarette packet, gesturing towards it.

"i thought you didn't like to smoke?" taeyong asks, clearly surprised, but he still hands doyoung a cigarette. and he’s not wrong. it's a testament to their seven years of friendship.

"you're right, i don't," doyoung confirms. "just have things on my mind, that's it," he says, shrugging. leaning his body against the side of the vending machine, he takes the cigarette between his fingers, brings it to his lips, and takes a drag. he watches how as he exhales, he releases a cloud of smoke that dissipates into the air.

"do you want to talk about it?" taeyong asks, sounding uncertain.

doyoung shakes his head no, and they sit in silence, simply smoking and waiting for time to pass more quickly.

Chapter Text

after fixing himself up in the infirmary, jaehyun managed to compose himself and gather the strength to get up and leave. it felt like his legs were on autopilot, devoid of energy, yet they carried him forward. each step felt shameful. by the time jaehyun got home, it was incredibly dark outside. 

as jaehyun fumbled with his apartment keys, he had expected jungwoo to be home already. but when he unlocked the door and didn't find jungwoo there, he was somewhat glad.

he walked over to the couch and sat down, his back straight. without turning on the tv or reaching for his phone to distract himself, he simply stared out of the window, watching the cars pass by, almost like a doll.

then, he suddenly burst into tears. he couldn't hold them back any longer; there was no one there, and it seemed like there was no point in doing so.

jaehyun's tears started to roll down the side of his face, his shoulders shaking with the weight of everything. the room remained dimly lit by the streetlights filtering through the window.

minutes turned into hours as he let the tears flow, allowing the pain and disappointment to wash over him. 

"jaehyun?" jungwoo's voice broke the silence, the shadow of his figure by the door frame giving it away. 

jaehyun shifted uncomfortably on the couch, his back still straight. he wiped his cheeks and took a deep breath, his chest still heavy. as his tears began to subside, he clutched the fabric of his jogging pants tightly and bit his lip, trying to regain his composure.

jungwoo and jaehyun had never been particularly close, primarily limited to small talk related to their apartment. jungwoo would be the first one to get up and head out in the morning, and because jungwoo was busy managing two jobs and his college classes they'd never get time to actually talk to each other. by the time he’d come home jaehyun would be fast asleep in his room. 

in a lot of ways they both benefited from it. on one hand, jungwoo would come home absolutely exhausted and didn’t want to be bothered. not that jaehyun was one to strike up a dead end conversation, he actually liked their dynamic at home. they both got their own privacy when they needed and they both understood each other’s boundaries. but sometimes you just need someone to talk to. 

droplets of rain poured down incessantly, the overwhelming surge of his emotions had washed over jaehyun like waves in the ocean. 

jungwoo sat beside him on the couch, patting jaehyun's head and gesturing for him to rest on his lap. craving any sort of physical contact, jaehyun complied.

they sat in silence for a few minutes, the sound of the air conditioner providing some background noise. jaehyun felt like a burden and quietly mumbled, "sorry," attempting to sit up, but jungwoo gently stopped him.

"don't be. it's okay," jungwoo reassured him. jaehyun furrowed his brow, his eyes brimming with tears, and his heart racing. jungwoo began by running his fingers through jaehyun's hair, not wanting to push his limits. eventually, jaehyun let himself cry, his sobs filling the room.

jungwoo didn't need to know the details or ask questions, whether or not jungwoo was tired from work or if they were even friends. all that mattered was that he cared about jaehyun.

there was something so astral about crying on your roommate’s lap over a boy in a cool room during the late summer. they just stayed in the quiet dark, no questions and no answers, just like they did throughout their entire "friendship". the window was open and gentle breeze filled the room completely, jaehyun let himself slowly drift into sleep. he was comfortable with the platonic intimacy that he and jungwoo shared. 

neither of them were definitely not going to talk about this in the morning.

▬

jaehyun was losing his ever-loving mind, as one usually does when they get rejected by their crush seconds after finding out that they lied about how they met you.

in retrospect, it's probably a bad idea to still want to pursue whatever they had, but jaehyun genuinely wanted to get to know doyoung. if you look past all the manipulation and bad vibes he was really sexy, jaehyun could have made an effort in building a relationship, and experience love, letting himself be loved in return. but then he had to fuck it up, maybe this was a sign that he wasn't meant for this, loving that is.

on the other hand, doyoung seemed to be doing just fine, that's if you considered working endless hours and studying relentlessly till you drop dead to distract yourself from everything okay.

a day after 'the nurse incident', doyoung sat himself down in class and bouncing his leg under the table. watching the clock and the front door instead of actually paying attention to the professor. he noticed that the seat next to him was empty, for awhile. 

as hours turned into days and days into weeks, doyoung's unwavering study ethic remained unchanged, just as jaehyun's efforts to avoid him did. not that doyoung cared, which is what he kept telling himself.

in fact, he didn't care so much that one day, the professor asked doyoung to stay back after class. doyoung felt a bit confused because he was doing fine, and there seemed to be no reason for a discussion. but, he still stayed back out of curiosity.

doyoung stood up from his seat and walked down the stairs to the professor's desk. the professor waited by the door, holding onto it as he watched the other students leave one by one. once the room emptied, he closed the door and approached doyoung.

"i don't know if this is an invasive question, but you and jaehyun are close, right?" the professor began. doyoung wanted to deny any connection with jaehyun and shout "no!" but he held his tongue, sensing that the professor had more to say.

"i couldn't help but wonder why jaehyun dropped this class when his grades and assignments were finally improving. he had been failing assignments and struggling with simple things, which you should already know. so i was surprised to see his sudden progress. his recent work was above average. he had so much potential, and then he suddenly dropped out. normally, i don't care if students leave this class because i know it's not an easy class, but i feel like jaehyun made the wrong decision by dropping out," the professor spoke with nothing but sincerity.

doyoung sucked in his breath; at a loss for words. he still kept trying to convince himself that he didn't care about jaehyun, that he felt no guilt, but this conversation weighed on his conscience. god, he felt guilty. 

he didn't need to say anything, though; thankfully, his professor spared him some shame. "you don't have to explain anything, just try to talk to him for me, if that's alright. i'll see you on monday, doyoung," the professor said, cutting through his thoughts.

doyoung bowed with his books to his chest, paid his respects, and quickly dashed out the door.

after leaving the campus, doyoung felt conflicted during his walk back to the apartment. as he entered his room, he attempted to clear his mind by staying busy. but god, he was just too good at everything. he finished all of his work prior to today to relax. "screw you, past doyoung, for being so competent," he cursed himself under his breath.

deciding to take a shower, doyoung swiftly undressed and turned on the shower faucet. as the water flowed over him, he looked down at his feet, he found some modicum of comfort in it.

then, a rush of thoughts overwhelmed him, reminding him of how much of a piece of shit he was. he grabbed the shampoo bottle from the shower stand and poured it onto his hair, inadvertently letting some get into his eyes.

he squeezed his eyes shut by reflex, but he kept them closed in attempt to focus solely on the sound of the running water. but his mind kept circling back to the same thing. his inner monologue was dominated by the repetition of "jaehyun, jaehyun, jaehyun."

doyoung's thoughts were consumed by jaehyun—the way jaehyun had an annoying lisp when he spoke, the way jaehyun sometimes bumped into him until he was almost in oncoming traffic when they'd go out, the way jaehyun pointed to weird little guys in the paintings doyoung showed him and half-jokingly claimed that they resembled him, and above all, jaehyun's award winning smile. dimples were doyoung's weakness.

but not all his thoughts were sweet; he remembered how jaehyun had looked that night, under him. he wondered how jaehyun would look with water cascading down his face, his hair completely soaked and clinging to his forehead. 

fuck, he was hard. just another problem adding to his pile of existing ones. 

instead of handling it like a normal sane person would, trying not to give into temptation. he grabbed a scrub and vigorously rubbed against his body, in an attempt to wash away any lingering unwanted memory of jaehyun’s touch. 

but he couldn't get the picture out of his head; it was ingrained in his mind. doyoung looked down at his 'problem' and he slapped a hand over his mouth to try to regulate his breathing. 

doyoung gripped the faucet tightly, digging his fingers into his thighs, trying to resist the urge to jerk off. the water still dripped down the side of his face, irritating his dick more. 

in the end, doyoung found it hard to resist, and he finally surrendered to his urges. he reached out, gripping the tip of his dick, and began to stroke rapidly. each time he thought of jaehyun, he mentally scolded himself, but he couldn't break free from those thoughts. his breath quivered as he felt himself coming, his eyes fixed on the dripping white down the tiles as he shut off the water in the shower.

after stepping out of the bathroom, water droplets fell to the ground, prompting doyoung to use a towel to dry them as he made his way to his bed. sitting on the edge of the bed with his feet on the ground, a sudden rush of shame washed over him. he flopped onto the bed, lying on his back, unable to shake the feeling that he needed to reach out to jaehyun because this was a huge fucking problem.

▬

that evening, he decided to go to jaehyun’s apartment himself, despite the awkwardness between them. he was going to keep it simple: just knock and ask if jaehyun was willing to sit down and talk to him. but once he was actually in front of the door he was kind of nervous. he knocked on the door and anxiously waited for a response.

waiting outside the door felt like torture, and doyoung briefly thought about leaving. but he had come this far, so he decided to stay committed. he knocked again, and although seconds seemed like minutes, just as doyoung was losing hope, the door finally opened.

"hello, do you need somethin—," the person started but was cut off by doyoung.

"you're not jaehyun," doyoung pointed out, a hint of disappointment in his voice, and he mentally hit himself for it.

"well, yeah," the person laughed. "i'm jungwoo, his roommate. do you need something?" they both stood there awkwardly, waiting for doyoung to explain.

"oh, sorry. but yeah, i wanted to talk to jaehyun. we just had something to talk about..." doyoung began confidently, but his words gradually turned into mumbles.

"what was that?" jungwoo leaned in closer to hear better.

"uh, we just had some things to clear up," doyoung spoke up, clearing his throat.

"oh... well, i'll tell him when he gets back," jungwoo smiled and began closing the door.

doyoung placed his hand in the door's gap. "wait, i was hoping to talk to him in person. is he not home?" doyoung asked, feeling a bit desperate, which was almost embarrassing.

"he's not home, sorry. he's out right now with... someone." there was a noise in the background, but jungwoo quickly covered it up with a loud cough. 

"oh," was all doyoung could manage to say. he decided not to press further. if jaehyun was out with someone, he should probably go home.

"yeah, sorry. anyways, bye!" jungwoo said and quickly closed the door. there was a lot of commotion coming from inside, but doyoung decided to ignore it. he turned on his heel and began making his way down the  

"who was that, woo?" jaehyun asked from under the blankets, lying on the couch. he lowered the volume of the tv; they were watching a new movie together. he peeked his head out from the couch to look at jungwoo.

"it was nobody important, jae," jungwoo groaned. "i'm so tired, i just want to relax. move your big self over!" jungwoo walked around the couch and sat down in front of jaehyun's legs, nudging him to make room.

"fine! fine! anyways, you missed the good part of the show," jaehyun stuck his tongue out.

"bro, what the hell? rewind it, you jerk!" jungwoo grabbed the collar of jaehyun's shirt and shook him.

"stop it! stop! fine. i'm rewinding, just let me go!" jaehyun yelped, gripping the remote in his hand.

"good boy," jungwoo said, patting jaehyun on his stomach.

"bro, you're weird. i'm literally older than you," jaehyun groaned, but it was followed by laughter afterward. "but thank you. by the way, i think i forgot to say that," jaehyun shrugged, pulling the blanket closer to him.

"for what?" jungwoo said, laying his head on jaehyun's lap as he watched the show play on the screen.

"just for staying with me today, you didn't have to do that. i've just been so busy with the wrong person these past few days. it started off wrong, and it ended up hurting me at the end. but i still expected an answer from them, though. even now. i guess that's my karma, right? but at least you're here for me, so thank you," jaehyun said quietly, and he meant it. they were actually becoming close, and he genuinely thought this was a good friendship for him.

"yeah... yeah. you're welcome," jungwoo said, sitting up from the older boy's lap. "uh, i'm going to grab a glass of water," he said anxiously, as if he got caught for committing a serious crime. 

"get me a glass too!" jaehyun said, jokingly kicking jungwoo in the rear and pushing him away.

"whatever! pause the show!" jungwoo yelled from the kitchen.

▬

jaehyun had moved on quickly, and doyoung hated the fact that people were right about him being a "man-whore" at heart. if he was being completely honest, he was genuinely hoping to prove them wrong, but now it seemed like a lost cause. 

but, one thing about doyoung is that he wasn't going to mope around and let it get to him. if jaehyun wanted to play that game then doyoung wasn't going to be the bad guy for playing along too.

doyoung had himself a date, and it didn't take him long to find one. he already had plenty of people from work who wanted to get into his pants and people from school who were interested in him, eager to break through his reputation as the "cold, untouchable, busy student" that jaehyun had labeled him as.

truth be told, doyoung could have gone out with any of them. but he had his standards, even if he had momentarily lost track of where they stood. he wasn't going to let looks cloud his judgment again.

he had matched with a cute and smart guy named kun online, and neither of them was looking for anything serious. kun simply wanted to make his ex-boyfriend jealous, which was a perfect arrangement as far as doyoung was concerned.

so, doyoung got ready. he took a shower, picked out a good outfit, styled his hair, applied some light makeup, and prepared to leave. they had decided to meet at a busy cafe, a small and easy start to what promised to be an interesting evening.

doyoung seemingly arrived at the cafe early, and upon his arrival, he didn't spot kun. he pulled out a chair at an empty table and took a seat.

a waiter came by with a menu and asked if he was ready to order, but doyoung told them that he was waiting for someone. the waiter nodded in understanding and let him be with the menu.

doyoung tapped his foot impatiently and kept an eye on the cafe's entrance, searching for someone who resembled kun from the online profile. as time passed, he grew bored and pulled out his phone to check for any messages.

suddenly, a chair scraped against the floor, and doyoung sensed someone's presence in front of him. he looked up to see the boy settling into the chair and studying the menu on the table.

"oh, hey, sorry i didn't notice you there. i was on my phone," doyoung said with a small smile and quickly stashed his phone in his back pocket.

"it's fine, and you look even better in person, by the way. have you decided what to order yet?" kun asked, fidgeting with the rings on his fingers.

doyoung blushed a little at kun's compliment. "thank you," he replied with a hint of modesty. "i haven't decided yet, but i heard their cappuccinos are good here. what about you?"

kun smiled and looked up from the menu, his eyes meeting doyoung's. "i'm a fan of cappuccinos, too. let's both get one then."

they placed their orders, and as they waited for their drinks. once they arrived, doyoung decided to break the ice a bit more. "so, kun, you mentioned earlier that you wanted to make your ex jealous. why's that?"

kun leaned back in his chair, looking a bit surprised but then chuckled softly. "well, it's a bit of a complicated situation. my ex and i broke up a couple of weeks ago, and, you know, there are some lingering feelings still there. i heard he's been seeing someone new, and i guess i just wanted to show him that i'm doing fine too, you know?"

doyoung nodded, trying to be understanding. "i get that. at least we're both here now, enjoying some coffee." he gave kun a reassuring smile, hoping to shift the conversation to a lighter tone.

kun's expression relaxed, and he returned doyoung's smile. "you're absolutely right."

as they continued chatting, the atmosphere between them grew more comfortable. they talked about important things—college, future plans, their favorite girl groups, those kind of things. doyoung found himself enjoying kun's company more and more.

doyoung and kun were deep in their conversation. but when the cafe's entrance bell jingled, announcing someone new, doyoung happened to glance up and froze as he recognized the person who had just walked in—it was jaehyun.

doyoung was a little confused because jaehyun was just with his friend, johnny. he wasn't on a date, did he misunderstand? 

jaehyun's expression shifted from casual to shocked as his eyes met doyoung's. his steps faltered for a moment, and then his face contorted with anger. he approached their table, his voice tense as he spoke to doyoung, "doyoung, what are you doing here with him?"

doyoung didn't flinch at jaehyun's confrontational tone. instead, he kept his composure and replied calmly, "jaehyun, we're just having coffee and a chat. is there a problem?"

jaehyun's anger seemed to intensify as he retorted, "yes, there is a problem."

doyoung raised an eyebrow, "is it? because johnny is nice. is he here to help you move on?"

jaehyun looked back to his best friend looking for a little support, but that was definitely not johnny's thing. he looked the other direction and jaehyun wanted to walk over there and strangle him.

doyoung couldn't help but smirk, "i thought so."

jaehyun's face turned a shade paler as he turned back, "what? no."

kun stood up from his seat, sensing the tension in the air. "yeah… uh, i think i'll go now... i'll leave you guys to do whatever, uh, you need to do," he interjected awkwardly.

doyoung offered kun a smile, a half-hearted attempt at comfort. his expression said, "sorry, i'll make it up to you later."

kun bowed and gave doyoung a reassuring wave as he turned around and hurried to the entrance door. doyoung watched him through the large window as he left, a twinge of guilt gnawing at him.

doyoung sighed in frustration, standing up from his seat and pushing past jaehyun.

"where do you think you're going?" jaehyun yelled after him.

doyoung glanced back at jaehyun over his shoulder, his voice lowered. "quiet down. at least let me pay for the drinks of the date you just ruined."

jaehyun backed down, realizing the mess he caused, and he turned to johnny, who was caught in the middle of this awkward situation. johnny made a subtle gesture, putting a hand to his mouth and pointing toward the exit, silently mouthing, "i'm just gonna go."

as johnny left, jaehyun suddenly lost the confidence that he started with, and now he felt incredibly uncomfortable being in the same place as doyoung. his eyes were fixated on doyoung as he handed his card to the cashier. jaehyun was secretly hoping for any small inconvenience that would make doyoung's stay at the counter longer—maybe his card would decline or even the unlikely scenario where he would need to pay with cash instead but only had quarters. anything that would give jaehyun a few extra moments.

to jaehyun's disappointment, doyoung's transaction went perfectly fine, and he quickly returned to jaehyun.

doyoung took the initiative to break the tension, grabbing jaehyun by the wrist and leading him out of the cafe. they walked until they found a quiet back alley, where doyoung cornered jaehyun against the wall.

"uh, we could've just, um, gone to my car," jaehyun suggested, struggling to still meet doyoung's gaze. he knew doyoung was upset with him.

"no offense, but i'd rather not get in your car," doyoung replied, taking a step back and crossing his arms.

jaehyun felt his own frustration mounting now, what was that supposed to mean? he locked eyes with doyoung, looking directly at him this time.

"why were you here? on a date? already?" jaehyun asked bitterly, his words sharp. there was a little hope in his heart that this was all just a big misunderstanding. 

doyoung rolled his eyes, "yes, jaehyun, i was on a date," he admitted. "but i don't think it should matter. after all, you moved on as well. and i haven't been getting in your way, have i? we're grown adults, jaehyun, and we didn't even date." 

doyoung kept acting distant towards jaehyun just like he did in the beginning and it hurt. he was being tossed out and being treated like a stranger, and it fucking hurt. 

"it's been less than a month! how can you just start going out with other people? did i mean nothing to you?" jaehyun poured his heart out. he saw the unamused look in doyoung's eyes, and he knew he was letting his emotions take control, which was bad because once jaehyun starts talking, he can't stop and ends up saying the wrong things instead.

"you treat me like shit, and then you go out with other people. but we met at a bar during your work hours, so i guess you do that often, huh?" jaehyun started accusing doyoung, trying to make himself feel better, but it only seemed to make things worse. he noticed doyoung's eyes widening, filled with anger.

"it shouldn't matter to you what i do in my free time or for work. it's not your concern," doyoung spat, his hands were clenched at his sides.

"but this is a matter of integrity!" jaehyun raised his voice, his emotions were getting the better of him.

doyoung's eyes narrowed as he retorted, "jaehyun, you’re acting like you’re a virgin when you literally fuck girls all the time.”

"that's beside the point," jaehyun stammered, he wasn't prepared for that kind of reaction.

doyoung stepped closer, invading jaehyun's space, his hands in the pockets of his leather jacket. his gaze bore into jaehyun as he continued, "no, that is the point. who are you to lecture me about integrity?" 

jaehyun, feeling cornered, struggled to find the right words to respond. 

"i... i just thought... i thought we meant something to each other," jaehyun finally managed to say, his voice wavering. he looked away, unable to maintain eye contact with doyoung.

doyoung quickly stepped back, creating some distance between them. there it was again, the love confession he didn't want to confront. his face remained unreadable, and jaehyun hated it more than anything.

"say something, hyung," jaehyun pleaded with his eyes, it was embarrassing how desperate he was, even resorting to using honorifics.

for a moment, they stood in the alley, the tension between them slowly dissipating. 

"jaehyun," doyoung said, taking a deep breath, his smile widening in a somewhat mocking manner. "none of it, and i mean it, none of it meant anything. just because i was the first guy to fuck you and take care of you doesn't mean i'm the one for you. get over yourself, seriously." 

jaehyun's chest felt tight, and the weight of his feelings pressed down on him. he was about to cry and he wanted to be anywhere but here. 

"whatever, fuck you. i never want to see you ever again my life. if i do i’m going to hurt you myself." jaehyun mumbled, his voice trembling as he tried to hold back the tears welling up in his eyes. 

doyoung had been harsh, even cruel, but he believed it was necessary to make sure that he and jaehyun were completely over. as he watched jaehyun leave again, tears in his eyes, doyoung didn't feel the slightest bit of remorse. who was he kidding, being a straight man's first boyfriend? 

Chapter Text

it's been a while since everything happened between doyoung and jaehyun. it seems like everything has returned to the way it was before. doyoung is focusing on his studies, while jaehyun spirals into insanity by drinking and partying, denying anything related to his being gay. he'd shrug it off with a "that was in the past," but his friends knew better, and doyoung took deliberate efforts to avoid jaehyun.

honesty, there's always a power imbalance even in college. there's a sort of hierarchy wherever you go, which can be somewhat unexpected considering that most people have moved past the high school hierarchy. in fact, the college hierarchy is essentially a more refined version of the high school one, which, in a way, makes sense.

no one had tried to change or work around it, so there was nothing they could do but accept it for what it was. doyoung was acutely aware of the kind of dynamic he had with others and where he stood in the hierarchy. 

this awareness is what made him sense that something was off about jaehyun's sudden peak of interest in him. his gut and brain were screaming at him that there was a possibility of jaehyun just trying to make him the butt of a joke, but he desperately wanted to be wrong.

jaehyun felt like he was at the lowest point in his life. he didn't feel seen by his friends, and he couldn't bring himself to share the feelings he's having right now with anyone, which is actually crazy because his best friends are openly gay, if anything, they're probably the ones who would get him the most. yet, jaehyun just couldn't bring himself to say anything to them.

he was about to be a senior in college, for christ's sake, and he knew that your junior years are supposed to be the prime years. but instead of feeling that, all he could muster was anger and self-pity for himself.

jaehyun's academic performance wasn't really the best. he struggled majority of his life, his biggest obstacle being the numerous hardships with his mother. he often felt like they were both created to torment each other, the constant reminder of what a failure the both of them were. 

jaehyun failed to make something of himself and continued to let his family down, always putting them to shame. he dragged his mother down with him as she failed to raise her son properly in what seemed to be in the eyes of other people, but what others would never understand was what it was like to raise him. so, even if jaehyun hated his mom, he couldn’t bring himself to blame her. 


now, he felt like he had failed doyoung, and it was glaringly apparent to him that something was wrong with him. the two people who were so important in his life didn't love him back. 

▬

jaehyun squeezed his eyes shut and let out a frustrated sigh. he sat on the bathroom rug, with the sink above him, the toilet to his left, and the bathtub nearby. his legs were bent and spread out, and tears began to roll down his cheeks. with a shaky hand, he pulled out his phone from his pocket and rested his arms on his knees.

jaehyun's thumb tapped hastily on his phone, scrolling through a gay dating app for a quick fuck. he desperately wanted to escape his thoughts of doyoung, the longing he felt. he didn't even realize he was subconsciously swiping right on guys who resembled doyoung.

but right now, jaehyun couldn't bring himself to care. he was entirely focused on trying to get rid of the overwhelming sense of loneliness, and before he knew it, he found himself in a hotel room, naked and feeling bare. 

and he tried so hard to want this, he was completely out of it and couldn’t even visualize what the guy in front of him at this minute looked like. the man he had met online could clearly see the discomfort on his face and asked if he was okay to continue further but everything was a blur, the only words he could choke out was, "okay, but just don’t come inside."

in hindsight, it was just a half-ass attempt of trying to keep himself for doyoung. as if he was ever good at being loyal, but the thought of being anything else to doyoung was tearing him apart from the inside.

as the night went on, jaehyun didn't feel much until the man pressed the tip of his dick to jaehyun's entrance, and that's when guilt began to pool in the pit of his stomach.

jaehyun tried to put his arms around the other man as he pushed in, but instead he started to cry from an instinctual aversion to pleasure. he tried to convince himself that he was sweating, not crying, as tears rolled down his cheeks like the beads of sweat from his forehead to his back. "why? why would doyoung leave me feeling like this?" the thought kept echoing in jaehyun's empty head. 

jaehyun shut his eyes and kept repeating the motion in, out, in, out in his head. the only thing on his mind was, "when will this end?" 

when the man pulled out for the last time, he didn't put it back in. jaehyun felt like he could breath again for a little until he suddenly felt another person beside him, he could feel their heavy breathing on his skin. he opened his eyes open and cautiously turned to his side, there was the other man. the man's eyes were closed, and they were both sweaty, but all jaehyun could feel was regret.

jaehyun attempted to sit up, but the other man draped his arm over jaehyun's waist, making it difficult for him to get out. he carefully slid out from under the other man's arm and onto the edge of the bed. he began to search for his clothes, scattered across the room. as he quickly redressed, he avoided making eye contact or conversation. once he was fully clothed, he grabbed his belongings, quietly slipped out of the room, and left without saying a word.

he crossed his arms, his hands firmly grasping the fabric of the coat he was wearing tightly. jaehyun walked down the street, stopping at the side of a busy road, and waved his hand while waiting for a taxi. 

a taxi soon pulled up to the curb, and jaehyun quickly climbed inside. as he settled into the seat, he crossed his legs and folded his arms, staring out of the window. the city's busy streets outside the window seemed like a blur compared to his head, he sank into his thoughts and felt guilt consume him. 

every single bad memory of his life kept replaying in his head, he felt bad and nothing was working. he kept hoping that the feelings would pass as fast as the streetlights did. 

▬

when he arrived at his apartment late into the night, a little feeling inside of him hoped for a small distraction, just so he didn't have to feel any guiltier than he already did.

as he entered the living room, it was dark, and he didn't bother turning the lights on. out of habit—because he's gotten too used to it, which is bad—he instinctively looked for his roommate. but the apartment was eerily quiet, and the emptiness was suffocating.

jaehyun called out, "jungwoo?" but received no response. he checked jungwoo's bedroom, but it was empty. he then went to the bathroom, knocked on the door, but still, no one was inside. jaehyun couldn't find his roommate anywhere, and a growing sense of unease began to wash over him. he found himself sitting on the cold, hardwood floor, his body trembling with anxiety.

the time he sat there alone in the dark, his sweaty back against the wall, felt like it was dragging on forever. his mind raced with endless intrusive thoughts, and he was growing increasingly desperate. he needed someone or something to just hold him.

just when he thought he couldn't bear it any longer, he heard the front door open, and it felt like he was witnessing the second coming of christ as jungwoo stepped inside. his roommate's eyes widened in shock as he saw jaehyun on the floor, his breathing heavy and irregular, tears streaming down his face, and shaking uncontrollably as he held himself.

without hesitation, jungwoo rushed over to jaehyun, crouching down to his level and wrapping his arms around him. "jaehyun, are you okay?" he asked with genuine concern in his voice, which made jaehyun wince because he felt he didn't deserve any of it.

jaehyun cling onto the younger boy as tears welled up in his eyes, and he could barely speak as he managed to say, "i need you."

jungwoo didn't need to be told twice. he extended a hand to jaehyun and helped him up. guiding him into his bedroom, jungwoo switched on the bedside lamp. jaehyun lay down on the bed, and jungwoo stayed with him, holding him through his panic attack. he whispered soothing words, offering the comfort and safety that jaehyun craved.

the noise in his head and around him started to slowly fade, and jaehyun gradually slipped into sleep.

the morning sun began to filter through the curtains, harshly rousing jaehyun from his sleep. he slowly opened his eyes to find jungwoo on the floor beside his bed, his hand tightly holding jaehyun's, and his head resting on the side of the mattress.

it made jaehyun smile for a moment, but then he felt guilty. the younger had no reason to deal with his issues, especially when he was so tired. jungwoo had stayed by his side all night, and jaehyun couldn't shake the feeling that he was burdening his roommate.

jaehyun gently squeezed jungwoo's hand, and jungwoo stirred awake, blinking his eyes sheepishly.

"thank you, but you didn't have to sleep on the ground," jaehyun whispered, his voice laced with remorse. 

jungwoo, still groggy, smiled softly and leaned closer, his intentions were clear to jaehyun more than ever. he wanted to kiss jaehyun. but as jungwoo leaned in, jaehyun turned his head away, rejecting the advance.

"jungwoo, we shouldn't…" jaehyun word's hung, immediately pausing everything between them. 

jungwoo froze for a moment, his expression shifted from affectionate to hurt and defensive. 

"right. i'm too simple for you," jungwoo muttered bitterly, biting down on his bottom lip. with that, he withdrew his hand, got up from the floor, and walked out of jaehyun's room, closing the door and slamming it behind him.

jungwoo's words stung him and jaehyun felt like an idiot again the way guilt hit him like a truck, always ending up in situations like this over and over again. he doesn’t know if he could stand leaving his room and facing jungwoo. jaehyun's afraid he might double over and start throwing up biscuits black ichor infront of him. avoiding his roommate wasn't a viable option either, he should probably have moved out. god, maybe his mom was right. 

so when things get too hard for him, he does what he’s best at. jaehyun cried, and he didn't hold back his tears.

he cried not only for the pain he felt but also for potentially hurting the one person who had stood by him during his moment of weakness, the one person who was actually good for him. he had pushed him away and kept running to things that were bad for him. 

jaehyun decided to sleep it off, so he grabbed the blanket at the foot of the bed to cover himself. his phone was within reach, but he didn't bother to check it. he just lay there in the dim room, letting his thoughts of self-pity eat away at his own brain. 

▬

jaehyun was holed up in his room. he didn't leave to eat or talk, only to use the bathroom. but he made no effort to initiate conversation with jungwoo, almost in parallel with how things were in the beginning.

sometimes it felt like jungwoo had something to say. when jaehyun would steal glances at him during those rare moments when he left his room for a glass of water, he'd catch jungwoo looking at him with his mouth slightly open, as if he wanted to say something.

but after so much time passed and numerous missed opportunities for jungwoo to speak with him, they still hadn't had a single conversation. jaehyun kept himself locked in his room for weeks. it didn't go unnoticed; his friends were missing him. 

jaehyun was in his room, focused in whatever was caught his attention on his laptop, when he first heard the faint sound of the doorbell. it didn't prompt an immediate reaction from him. it was only when the doorbell rang again, and then another hundred times simultaneously, that he couldn't ignore it any longer.

an exasperated sigh escaped his lips. "jesus! i'm coming! stop!" he shut his laptop, placing it to the side, and reluctantly pushed his blanket off himself. with a tired and slightly annoyed manner, he dragged his legs to the side of the bed, slowly gaining his footing. did jungwoo really forget his keys? this was going to be awkward.

as he made his way to the door, still irritated by the incessant ringing, he finally swung it open. but the sight that greeted him was nothing short of a shock. his friends were standing in front of him, arms cradling cans of alcohol like babies, shit-eating grins on all their faces.

they decided to make an impromptu visit one evening—yuta's rather tame idea—knocking on his apartment door and bringing cans of drinks, all in the effort to loosen jaehyun up and just get their best friend back.

and honestly, it's beyond him how his friends still want him around when he drops off the earth every other week after making mistakes he can't take back. 

when they showed up at jaehyun's apartment unannounced, and thankfully jungwoo wasn't home. in their perspective, they found a dejected version of their friend. he was wearing an oversized hoodie, with heavy eye bags, a very apparent aegosal, and bloodshot eyes. it was like looking straight through a ghost. 

jaehyun was so confused, his attention more on the cans of alcohol than his friends.

"hey, you gonna let us in or...?" mark coughed.

"yeah, i know we're handsome and all, but i'd rather enjoy that inside, you know? more privacy," yuta teased, his eyebrows raised. 

jaehyun choked, "oh, uh, sorry," he mumbled as he stepped aside and opened the door wider for his friends to enter. they all piled into the hallway, and he closed the door behind them, following them into the living room. the cans of drinks were left on the small table as they sat on the couch. 

they brought the fun inside, assuming jaehyun was going through his first heart break edgy phase like a teenage boy. for a while, laughter and the clinking of glasses were the soundtrack. jaehyun managed to put on a façade, drinking and coming up with small talk on the go, but you could still tell from his body language that he was uneasy.

a little later, they all decided to go out. mark claimed that jaehyun needed to breathe some fresh air and that it might be good for everyone. as they hung out by sitting on  curb stop in the parking lot of a 7-eleven, the alcohol took its toll, and jaehyun started to loosen up, his guard dropping just a little bit.

and honestly, jaehyun was having fun. just unserious conversations about stupid things. they were all drunk, and it was all meaningless. maybe it was a good idea that he decided to go out with his friends, at least it made him feel like he wasn't entirely alone in this world even if it was for a split second. 

yuta, clearly more than a bit tipsy, began to slur his words as he leaned in, looking at jaehyun with a half-smile. "jaehyun, dude, i can't believe you’ve had your first gay heart break, it's like a bad hangover, at least you know men aren't shit." he chuckled, trying to be reassuring in his intoxicated state. "now that you know how we feel, not worth being gay, huh?"

the other two laughed in union, but not jaehyun. he sobered up fast and his shoulders stiffened. the laughter continued, each of them jokingly agreeing with yuta, slipping in their own indirect comments, and sharing twin laughs, all of it felt like a slap in the face. that’s when jaehyun realized that his friends didn't think he was serious about being gay. that they didn't take him seriously.

johnny, finally stopping his laughter, turned to look at jaehyun, who was giving them all death glares. he playfully slapped jaehyun’s arm and asked him what was wrong. but jaehyun looked at him with a gaze that was heavy and glassy, and when he's mad, he feels like he might cry. his voice quivered with suppressed emotions as he snapped, "what the hell is that supposed to mean, yuta? you know what, fuck off."

yuta still had a grin plastered on his face, seemingly obviously to jaehyun's feelings. "jaehyun, i'm not saying you're wrong to feel hurt, you know. i used to play around with girls' feelings too, but that was until i realized that it was wrong."

"what are you trying to say?" jaehyun bit back, his back straightening as his eyes bore into yuta's. 

"i'm just saying," yuta shrugged his shoulder, "there's no need to be so dramatic when you'll just find a girl to have fuck with later. but you always did like making your problem into everyone's problem," he laughed, nonchalantly rolling his eyes.

jaehyun's eyes welled up with tears, his voice trembling as he fought back, "but i liked him, yuta. i really, really liked him."

yuta's smile faded, and his amusement turned to annoyance as he retorted, "and those girls didn't like you? i don't understand why you're crying, jaehyun. you certainly don't deserve to."

"why does everyone keep fucking saying that?" jaehyun put his arms up as he rubbed his eyes. 

"maybe because they’re right?" yuta huffed and crossed his arms as he turned his away to the side.

"can you guys please stop fighting?" mark begged, clearly uncomfortable with the situation.

"no, not until he tells me what's his issue," jaehyun argued, shooting mark a look that signaled him to stay back.

"my issue is you," yuta began, "you think the world revolves around you, and you don't give a shit about other people or how they feel. every time something good happens to you, you manage to mess it up and gravitate towards the bad things in your life instead. it's seriously annoying," yuta continued, letting go of the frustration that’s has been bottling up. 

"guys, please, let's not—" johnny tried to intervene.

"don't even lie, john," yuta cut him off, "you told me how you find it ironic that jaehyun gets with a guy for the first time, who not even attracted to him and gets his heart broken. now he get's how those girls felt." yuta laughed, but johnny's expression was serious, his shoulders slumping as he turned to jaehyun with eyes that begged for remorse. jaehyun looked back at him with a look of betrayal. 

jaehyun abruptly stood up, knocking over his can. he muttered, "i can't do this," and with that, he left the group and walked his way home.

he continued walking until he reached his apartment, sobbing and whimpering loudly as he wiped his eyes and hiccuped. it felt like he was losing people left and right. 

jaehyun felt like he existed to die but lived to torment the ones who genuinely cared about him. the weight of his own actions and their impact on his relationships was soul crushing and he felt everything falling down onto him. 

▬

jaehyun woke up with a pounding headache, and it seemed to have become a new daily routine for him. his phone kept buzzing with notifications, and he groaned as he grabbed it from the bedside.

he frowned as he saw multiple paragraphs sent to him by his friends, some individually, some in the group chat, and some in voice message format, but none of it seemed worth bothering himself with first thing in the morning.

since he returned home last night, he had made a conscious vow to practice normality and pursue a sense of peace. for him, being normal meant no dating, whether it was with girls or boys, no indulging in substances, no partying, and not distancing himself from his friends–which isn't that hard for anyone else that wasn't jaehyun. it's all jaehyun has ever known but he wanted to stay true to himself. 

so, he put on his metaphorical big boy pants and wrote a long apology letter to jungwoo the same night. he stuck it to his bedroom door with tape, hoping jungwoo would find it when he returned from work, provided he could read it beyond the tear stains.

he also took the time, after getting a bowl of fruit loops and sitting at the kitchen counter, to mindlessly reply to the apologies with a simple "it's okay."

a couple of minutes passed, and jaehyun felt positive about his new changes. but that all went out the window the second johnny sent a text in their group chat with yuta and mark.

johnny: party at my place at 8 on sunday.

jaehyun furrowed his brows, asking himself if he'd really do this. "nope," he said to himself aloud as he dismissed the imaginary thought clouds that showed up above his head, like in a cartoon. he was going to find peace, yup, peace. he was going to be in total zen mode.

mark: "do we bring anything?" his phone buzzed again.

johnny: "just yourselves and… weed."

well, a bit of weed didn't hurt anybody. he did tell himself he wouldn't avoid his friends; he should have some fun too, because the last time they did that it totally went great and didn't backfire into a crazy fight at all. he'll just show up, have a drink and maybe take a generous puff of weed, and then leave.