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It's not uncommon for Zane to be existential, or unkind toward himself, but he's been working on it, he's made it a long way when it comes to self love.
And his family has been there to support him almost every step of the way.
Almost.
It's 2 AM. It's not usually hard to sleep, but for some reason, he couldn't relax, every couple of minutes, he'd realize his body was tense, he'd try to relax, than the cycle would repeat. It's not like they need sleep, but it's usually not a difficult task. It was a little indulgent thing he did to feel a bit more comfy and normal. But he knew tonight it wouldn't come. No matter how many times he had to manually relax himself. They know humans have this problem too, but he didn't have their excuse, nor their reason.
He resisted the urge to mindlessly pace, as he got up and decided on a destination. While he's up, he might as well get some fresh air, it won't kill him, especially since he could survive without it. Dead silence filled the halls of the monastery, only adding to The bot's restlessness. he quietly strode past the doors of his siblings, rhythmically.
Maybe too rhythmically. Does it look fake? So "human" it's uncanny? Or maybe to foreign? He wondered if he looked alive, Or if he would be seen as another hunk of junk on legs. Would people be scared of him? No that's illogical, no one has expressed fear so far, but what if? What if they're intimidated? As if he could snap any second? He lost his humanity once, could it happen again? He's meant to protect those who can't protect themselves, but how is he supposed to manage that if he is the one they fear? Maybe their right to be cautious. those who don't mean harm can still perpetrate it. If he's going to be a protector of sorts, he should at least look friendly, balanced, human. They adjusted, trying to fix their walk cycle, but it would never be enough. No matter how hard he tries, in teh cities mind, and his own, he'll always be foreign, strange, inhuman.
no matter what he does, no matter how he hides, the first thing people see when they look at them is his metallic sheen, his LED eyes, him. He may be intelligent, and he may be sentient, but it isn't pure.
Artificial Intelligence is still Artificial.
Tears rush to his eyes, they're blinked away just as quickly.
he's snapped out of auto-pilot when he realizes he's made his way to the door, barely any recollection of his journey there. They open the door and step out, reveling in the night air, the fresh, non-stagnant air.
it's freedom of movement envelopes him, As much as he values the cold, cool summer nights will always have a special place in his heart. His metaphorical one at least. They forget how much they miss nature sometimes. Especially since he is part of it. But is he? The loathsome thoughts bleed into his head once more. He never used to find it hard to hold back tears, but right now he is one "Are you okay?" away from breaking down. thankfully, no one is out with him or he would. He quickly sat in the middle of the training course, taking a deep breath, feeling the bad thoughts melt away despite the cold surface he's settled on.
...
"Zane? Whatcha doin out here, buddy?"
And just like that, his thoughts rose to the surface, almost spilling just as his tears would have if his control had slipped.
he inhaled silently
*Not anything of... Importance." he dragged the last syllable out with a quick breath. "Just meditating." He hoped to death he didn't notice the slight waver in his voice.
"Couldn't sleep?"
"No."
Cole plopped down next to him, giving him a little room between them.
Zane furrowed his brows a bit, but knew he probably wouldn't get away with scooting closer.
they sat in silence for a moment, taking in the stars, while feeling the concrete below, so close, yet so far from the world outside of their own.
Is he allowed to appreciate a world that has no place for him?
Everything around them is so fresh, lively, ever changing, in a constant cycle; As they are supposed to be.
But what about them? Where do they fit in the grand scheme of things? Yeah, he's the Titanium Ninja, but is that all he is?
Titanium?
"So, " His thoughts were interrupted,
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He put an arm around Zane's shoulders.
He fought not to lean into his touch, not to burst out in tears,
Zane was fighting for his life at this point.
"What could you be referring to?" There's no way he didn't hear the strain leaking through his words.
"That depends, What are you thinking about?" He persisted patiently.
"Nothing! there's nothing to cause concern, it's not like I-"
"Zane." His tone was serious, but not heavy. It sounded like... Concern?
Does he care?
"I'm-I'm sorry." He sounded shaky, his voice wobbly and wet. Each sob came out forcefully, he had to bring hand to his mouth to stifle them.
The sudden burst of emotion took Cole by surprise, he thought it might have worked up to a point like this, but it was almost immediate, who hurt him??
"Woah, hey! Don't be sorry, come here, man." he cooed, as he pulled them into a hug.
Zane's head rested in the crook of Cole's shoulder. They wrapped themself around him firmly, gripping his band Tee, their tears pooling into the fabric.
"What's on your mind?" He inquired, hugging him back, almost cradling him as they tried to get their breathing under control.
"... I-I don't know if I... Deserve to be treated with the same respect as my human counterparts." Cole's eyes widened, he could feel their body trembling as they fought to tone down their cries, he interjected for a moment. "Hey, take your time, get it out first, than talk, deep breaths buddy. I'm right here."
Ah, to break down a dam that was already leaking. Now he knows he won't be able to stop crying, not for a while, but that's okay, they have nothing but trust for this guy. It's actually kinda nice, to know he's safe in one of his most vulnerable states. to know that in this moment, he doesn't have to be strong. to know that, for once, he's allowed to fall apart.
Over the span of 5 minutes, his sobbing rapidly increased, than steadily decreased into labored breaths, and the occasional hiccup. He was finally able to speak.
"I know no matter how hard I try to adapt, I'm constantly reminded of what's wrong with me." He shakily inhaled.
"Being a nindroid has it's perks, but in the end, does it really amount to anything? My talents, my expertise, my personality, does it even matter if it's not real? If it's not human?
Am I making a difference because I have the will to do so, or because I was programmed too? Do I truly have Humanity?" Words poured out of him, he'd always implied these fears, but saying it out loud was completely different. Saying it made it real.
And that was the worst part, If he hadn't acknowledged these thoughts, maybe he would have grown out of them. Maybe he would have gotten used to it and it wouldn't hurt him anymore.
maybe it would have slowly burned out, like the little flame of hope that wishes and yearns for someone to see that he and humans are not so different after all. But that's not true. And it never will be.
Tears bubbled over his eyelashes, he didn't even need to blink for them to stream down his face.
"Zane, please know this," Cole paused
"You are more than your body. You are more than your programming, and you are more than others amalgamation of assumptions and opinions." He traced circles on their back,
"You're not just one thing or another, you are made up of all your experiences, your feelings, your morals. Just because someone influenced them does not mean they aren't yours. People are also "programmed" in a way, whether they follow that code or not is entirely up to them, that includes you. You're not automatically invalid just because you're not fleshy.
To live with sentience is to have feelings, and morals, and that is humanity. You don't have to find it in a facade, it is already within you, you are humanity, no matter the vessel." HIs voice was strong, confident yet gentle.
"You sound wise, Has Sensei been training you in Philosophy too?" He tried to sound playful, but it came out wispy and yielding, "I understand what you're trying to instill, but, doesn't it bother you? That I don't understand a lot of human concept and rules, and I'm cold to the touch?" he gave a weak smile as more tears rose to the surface of his eyes.
"No!" Cole said it as if it was so obvious.
"A lot of humans don't understand human concepts, especially since we're all different, and your cold temperature just gives me an excuse to warm you up!" He softly squeezed Zane, causing soft laughter to bubble out of them, Cole smiled, leaning his head toward theirs.
"Y'know?"
"Yes." he said
"...I hope you know how thankful I am for you." Zane started, his voice becoming unstable once more.
"I could not predict where I would be without you and the others support. I-" a small sob escapes him, but he continues despite it.
"I love you, and everyone else as well. I don't fully know if I deserve your support, But my gratitude is near endless."
"Thank you." Zane croaked, voice a tad raspy and wet.
"You don't need to thank me, man, you'd do the same for me, yeah?" he turned his head toward him.
Zane nodded, as the mist in his eyes liquified, breaching the lining of his eyelids once more.
"Goddang man!, how long have you been bottling this up??" He asked incredulously, with a hint ( much more than a hint) of concern.
"It is unknown to me! I'm still learning when it comes to coping mechanisms." he sniffled, his voice unsteady and a bit hoarse.
"That's okay, i will be here for as long as you want me be. We can work on that together."
A soft spoken "Thank you" slightly vibrated against his collarbone.
A moment of comfortable silence fell between them, occasionally interrupted by shaky breaths, and soft sobbing.
"Hey, Zane"
"Y-Yes?'
"Wanna have a sleepover?"
Zane stared up at him with glossy eyes and an intense look on his face.
"Absolutely, I do"
"My room or yours?"
"Yours, but before we go," Zane fidgeted.
"I have a request. It might be strange, and you don't have to but... Could you carry me there?"
"Yeah sure." Cole said nonchalantly,
"Wait, really?"
"Yeah, dude, i have super strength, you think I'm gonna be inconvenience by carrying you? No way, if you ever want to be held or carried don't be afraid to ask dude."
"How many times are you gonna make me cry today?" he asked, completely at the mercy of his artificial tear ducts.
He shrugged as he slipped an arm under their knees, and supported his back with the other, princess style.
they both took one more breath in the open air, than quietly made their way back to Cole's room.
---
Cole awoke to the smell of something sweet and warm. Strange.
he noticed Zane wasn't by his side. Also strange.
He walked out of his room and into the kitchen, and by the first master-
"Oh, Salutations! Perfect timing!" Zane cheered as he pulled out a cake from the oven.
"Bro. What is this?"
"History! I've created a parody of breakfast for dinner, dessert for breakfast,!" Zane spoke proudly.
"But it is most unhealthy, so it is only a once a week treat. You get first dibs."
Cole smiled sincerely.
"You didn't have to do this, it's not like you owe me after last night."
"I know." Zane acknowledged,
"This is how I express my love. I didn't do it out of necessity, but out of desire."
Zane put down the cake, and turned to Cole.
"And," Zane added,
"In a way, I do owe you."
Cole seemed super confused as he sat down at the table, so they elaborated,
"You, in a way, saved my life. Not to say I was suicidal, but if you hadn't reminded me of my value, i would have lived life thinking i was inferior to everyone else. Though it will take time to drill it into my head, I do have humanity, and it is thanks to you that I know that."
"Well, Anyone on the team could and would have done that for you." He said as he took a seat at the table.
"But you were the one that did. You were the one who detected my discomfort and unhappiness. You were the one who reminded me that I'm here for a reason, by choice. That I am Zane, not just metal and wire."
"You did." They beamed, as they sat a plate with two slices of cake in front of him.
"No one else."
Cole blinked away tears as he smiled up at Zane,
"You're so cool."
"And you are very grounding!"
They both snickered at the stupid joke, enjoying the lighter, but still super sappy atmosphere.
Zane sat down and joined Cole as the rest of the family awoke, engaging in light and playful banter.
And as Cole looked into his eyes, Zane thought, maybe he doesn't just see LED, maybe he sees... Him.