Archive of Our Own ^beta

“How much time do we have left?” 

It began as an ordinary outing. They had a meeting with Wildfire in the Underworld at six. This was nothing out of the ordinary—quite the opposite, in fact. These meetings had been a weekly occurrence for almost two months now, a tiny piece of the huge web that was the reunification plan. 

It was, however, one of Seele’s favorite pieces.

Seele fished her phone out of her pocket. “5:43,” she said. “You decide how much time that actually means.” 

Bronya was stern. “Seele, I am not showing up late to this meeting because we were sight-seeing.” 

“You can blame it on me.”

A smirk tugged at Bronya’s lips. “That would never work. Oleg and Natasha know perfectly well that I’ve got you wrapped around my finger.” 

Seele’s face warmed, and she scoffed, looking away. “They don’t know how cunning you are, either.” She sighed, reluctantly adding, “You’re probably right, though. Should we get going?” 

“I think that would be best.” 

This was why Seele had come to so like this part of the reunification plan. Not because she actually enjoyed the meetings (it was Seele, for Qlipoth’s sake, to convince her to even sit still for the duration of a meeting was practically a small miracle). 

No, it was because of Bronya. She had seen how much Seele hated the meetings, and made a proposal to sweeten the pot. “Why don’t we leave a little early? A half-hour or so? That shouldn’t be too much time out of my schedule,” she’d mused one day.

“For what?” Seele had grumbled. “So we can waste even more time sitting around?” 

“No,” Bronya had said, and smiled. “So you can show me the Underworld.” 

So, for the past couple of weeks, they’d made a habit of departing just early enough that they could spend a short while exploring. Bronya wanted to see everything, the shops and the mines and the homes and the clinic and the orphanage and the places Seele had played as a child. And Seele obliged her. She’d never had it in her to say no to Bronya Rand.

At first Seele felt awkward; almost self-conscious. Despite being born in the Underworld, Bronya had spent most of her life above ground, living in the kind of opulence most Belobogians (especially those down below) could hardly even dream of. The Underworld was Seele’s home and she would never see it as lesser, but she wasn’t sure she could bear it if Bronya judged it harshly. Seele’s skin was thick, but somehow, coming from Bronya, it would just hurt too much.

But Bronya hadn’t. She hadn’t judged, hadn’t withdrawn, hadn’t wrinkled her nose. Even when Seele introduced her to the strangest, coarsest people, even when she showed her the corners of the Underworld most rife with illness, poverty, and crime. All she ever displayed was unshakable kindness and determination, and a kind of profound sadness that said how could we have let things get this bad?

We don’t deserve her, Seele thought. I don’t deserve her.

“What are you thinking about?”

Bronya’s voice brought Seele back to the present. She hesitated at the question, knowing she couldn’t say what was actually on her mind, but couldn’t come up with anything else in time. “Nothing really,” she said vaguely.

Bronya looked down at her boots as they walked. This part of the city was quiet tonight, and it felt almost peaceful. “I wish you could be honest with me,” she said quietly.

“What?”

“I just… sometimes I feel like I don’t know you at all,” Bronya said, looking up at her. “Sometimes you get this faraway look in your eyes and I have no idea what you’re thinking. You don’t have to tell me everything, but… I want to make sure you know you can trust me.”

“Bronya…” Seele’s heart squeezed. Why does she have to be so perceptive?  “I do trust you. There are just… some things I can’t explain.”

Like the way it makes me feel when you smile at me. Like how I sometimes feel like you were the answer to every prayer I never realized I was desperately praying. Like how I dream about you almost every night, and in those dreams you’re always dying.

“Can’t, or won’t?” 

When Seele didn’t respond, Bronya shook her head. “Nevermind. I’m sorry. I don’t mean to be interrogating you like this. But… please know you can talk to me anytime, okay?” 

Seele smiled, seeing her chance to both change the subject and tease Bronya a little. “Anytime, huh? Even… in the middle of the meeting? Or how about while you’re sleeping?”

Bronya turned towards her with a look that was almost a pout, a very charmingly childish expression on the Supreme Guardian’s face. “Must you intentionally misinterpret everything I say? …Also, how would you even get into my room?” 

“I’d climb in through the window, of course.” 

Bronya’s lips twitched at the image. “The guards would kill you before you took two steps.”

“They could try. I’d take them all out.” 

Bronya was truly laughing now, unable to keep up the pretense of grumpiness. “Somehow I feel like you might actually be able to do it. But, for the guards’ sake if nothing else, please don’t try.” She looked at Seele, her gray eyes sparkling with fond amusement. “Sometimes, Seele, I feel like you really could do anything if you put your mind to it.” 

Seele didn’t know what to say to that. It didn’t matter, anyway. All she could think about was how pretty Bronya was when she laughed—how it entirely transformed her normally serious face. The way her eyes crinkled, the way her eyelashes shone in the dying lamplight… it was like staring into the sun. Too bright to look at for long, and yet entirely transfixing.

Then Seele became conscious that she actually was looking into a bright light. Just for a moment, something flashed red across her vision. She blinked and took a step back, squinting. What was that? Refocusing her eyes, Seele saw the red light reappear—this time on the side of Bronya’s head.

Her heart stopped. No.

Seele’s body moved before her brain. She launched herself at Bronya, and in that single, breathless moment, she had just time for her first, silent, conscious prayer.

Qlipoth, please.

A pop, a hiss, and they went crashing to the ground with a force that knocked the breath from Seele’s body. For a split second she just lay there, stunned, but then her brain caught up with her and kicked her back into action. She made it to all fours and grabbed Bronya, dragging her along as she scrambled for shelter. Another bullet spat into the pavement next to them, but they were able to make it behind a large metal dumpster, concealed from view on three sides. Safe—temporarily.

“Are you okay?” Seele hissed, turning towards Bronya.

Bronya’s eyes were wide, her breathing quick. “Yes,” she whispered. “But, Seele, your arm!” 

My arm? Only then, once the initial spike of adrenaline had subsided, did Seele finally notice the pain. It hit her all at once, furious and red-hot, and she stifled a groan. She brought her hand to her left arm, just below the shoulder, and it came away dark with blood. Not good.

“I’ll be fine,” she managed. “We have to get you out of here. Did you see where the shot came from?” 

“I…” Bronya was still staring at Seele’s arm, but wrenched her eyes away. Her weapon sat at the ready in her hands, her fingers wrapped tightly around it, knuckles white. “No, I didn’t. You?”

“No.” In the heat of the moment, Seele hadn’t had her wits about her enough to notice anything about the sniper’s location. She cursed herself silently. How could she have let her guard down like that?

Bronya’s hand touched her arm, her eyes dark and worried. “Seele, it’s okay. We’ll figure it out.” Her eyes darted around as she thought hard, trying to get ideas from their surroudings. “Maybe I can act as bait—get them to shoot again.” 

“No! That’s too dangerous.” I can’t lose her, was all Seele could think. I have to keep her safe.  “There aren’t enough good hiding spaces when we don’t know where it’ll be coming from.”

“Then we have to call for backup.”

“How?” 

Bronya pointed to the nearest alleyway. “There’s usually a guard stationed right on the other side, right? They’re probably just too far away to hear us, but if we make a run for it…”

Seele clenched her teeth. Another wave of pain tore through her arm, and for a second she struggled to breathe. “We’ll be out in the open.”

“Only for a moment. If we move fast, it won’t give the sniper enough time to take aim.” 

Seele racked her brain, but she couldn’t come up with anything better. They had no choice—they couldn’t sit there all night. “Alright,” she said finally. “Get on my left, so I’m on the outside.”

Bronya’s eyes tightened, but she did as she was told. They crouched at the edge of the dumpster, muscles tensed. Seele breathed. “One… two… three! ” 

They darted out from behind the dumpster, attempts to stay low deserted, making for the alley as fast as possible. Another bullet pinged off the cobblestones just to Seele’s right, but then they were in the alley and running, quickly putting the little plaza behind them. Safe.

Bronya alerted the guard, and soon they’d locked down the entire area to start searching for the sniper. “I should join them,” Seele said, looking down the alley. Even now that the danger had most likely passed, she couldn’t relax. Not until she knew the shooter had been found.

“Seele, you can’t. You’re injured,” pleaded Bronya. 

“I don’t care,” Seele snapped. “I want to catch the bastard that tried to pull something like that.”

“They’ve got about two dozen people searching the area, both Silvermane Guards and Wildfire. I’m sure the perpetrator will be caught. Please, Seele, let’s just get out of here.”

At that moment the Guard organizing the efforts came up to them. She looked flustered and out of breath. “Madame Guardian, I’m glad you’re alright,” she said.

Bronya inclined her head. “Thank you. Have you caught the perpetrator yet?”

“No, but I have every confidence that we will soon. They have nowhere to hide. In the meantime, however…” She glanced between them, considering. “Miss Seele, can I entrust you with taking the Madame Guardian somewhere safe? I still don’t know my way around the Underworld as well as I wish I did, and I don’t have the men to spare to have them take her. Since we haven’t caught the perpetrator yet, and we don’t know if they were working alone, I think it would be best for you to take shelter until we let you know it’s safe.”

Seele hesitated. A part of her still longed to go chase down the shooter, but she knew it was irrational. Bronya was right—they already had plenty of help. She would be of more use here, protecting Bronya. She took a deep breath. “Okay. Okay. Yes, I’ll take her somewhere safe. I promise.”

The woman gave her a curt nod and left. Another stabbing pain tore through Seele’s shoulder, and she grabbed it almost unconsciously. It was still bleeding heavily, and she was beginning to feel light-headed. I have to stop the bleeding. I can’t protect Bronya if I pass out. Sweat broke out on her forehead.

Then she felt the gentle touch of Bronya’s hand on her back. “Seele, we need to go,” she said. “Where would be safest? Maybe Natasha’s clinic? That way…” She glanced at Seele’s arm again.

Seele shook her head. “It’s too far away. I don’t want to risk that. I know somewhere closer.”

Bronya’s face was full of worry, but she only said, “Then let’s go.”

Seele managed to make it the short walk to their destination without passing out, staying upright mainly due to the sheer force of stubbornness and paranoia she exerted upon herself, thinking only of Bronya. Soon they had arrived at the front door of a tiny house, crammed into a dim corner in the outskirts of the city. “Seele, what is this place? Where are we?” Bronya asked.

With some difficulty, Seele reached into her boot for a key, and unlocked the door. She took a deep breath as she opened it, filling her lungs with polluted air. “The one place in the Underworld I have yet to take you,” she said. “My home.”

*      *      *

Seele’s house was about the smallest a living space could be while still qualifying as a house. It consisted of a bathroom, a tiny bedroom, and a slightly larger room which was kitchen, dining room, and living room all in one. She’d bought it for just a handful of shield a couple years back from an elderly woman whose son had just died. There was something wrong with the wiring that frequently caused the electricity to malfunction, and now was no exception—jiggling the light switch produced nothing but a sad little buzz. 

This was really no different than what Seele had shown Bronya in other parts of the Underworld. But it was so different, so personal, when it was her own home.

She didn’t want to see Bronya’s face as she took it in, so she busied herself locking the door, pulling the blinds, and lighting a few candles. “There,” she said. “We should be safe here until this blows over.”

Finally, she was forced to turn towards Bronya—but Bronya’s eyes were on her, not on the house. “Seele, that wound is bad. Would you please sit down and let me look at it?” 

Seele hesitated, still unwilling to relax, but there was really nothing else to do at the moment, and she knew Bronya was right—the wound needed attention. Reluctantly, she sat down on the couch. 

“Lay down,” Bronya insisted. Rolling her eyes a little, Seele did as she was told. The change in position made her arm throb more. “Do you have medical supplies anywhere?”

“There’s a first aid kit in the bathroom.”

Bronya ducked into the bathroom and reappeared a moment later with the first aid kit in hand. She knelt down next to the couch at level with Seele’s arms, spreading out the medical supplies on the floor next to her. “I only have basic experience with treating wounds, especially with so little to work with, so this will just be a temporary fix,” she said, deftly undoing the knot on Seele’s sleeve. “Once we’re done here I expect you to go straight to a real doctor, okay? I don’t care if it’s Natasha or someone in the Overworld, as long as you go get it checked out.”

Seele had to bite back a smile despite herself. This worry, this fretting over her… it was cute. With Bronya’s full attention focused on her arm, it gave Seele ample time to stare at her, to appreciate how cute Bronya looked when she was focused, brow furrowed, biting her lip a little. 

But then she remembered the moment of the first shot, the one that had torn through her arm. That’s exactly what I was doing when the sniper took aim, Seele thought. I was looking at Bronya, thinking about how beautiful she was. I was distracted. A wave of anger, of frustration, of self-loathing, came crashing over her. How could I have let myself get distracted like that? I’m supposed to be protecting her, but I can’t even do that. I can’t keep my feelings from getting in the way. What use am I if I can’t keep her safe?

To Seele’s dismay, she found that her eyes were stinging with tears. She squeezed them shut, hoping Bronya would just chalk it up to the pain from her wound being cleaned.

But she should have known better. Bronya always saw through her. “Seele,” Bronya said quietly. “You’re blaming yourself for this, aren’t you?”

Seele knew it would be best to just say no. To shut it down, to keep it in, to not talk about it and move on. But at that moment, she was too tired. She didn’t have it in her to lie or evade. “It was my fault,” she said dully.

“No, it wasn’t.”

“It was.” Seele stared up at the ceiling, reliving the moment, the laser flashing across her vision. “I got distracted and let my guard down. If I’d been just a second slower to react, you would have died.”

“It’s only human to get distracted sometimes, Seele. Besides… I didn’t die.” Bronya pressed a cloth with alcohol to Seele’s arm, making her hiss in pain. “You did react in time, and you saved my life. …And paid the price for it, too.” 

You don’t understand, Seele thought. ‘Barely’ isn’t good enough. ‘Barely’ is too close to ‘not at all’. Too close to losing everything. “That doesn’t matter. My arm will heal. Your life is the only thing that matters.”

Bronya made a sound like a scoff. It sounded almost angry, surprising Seele. She was silent for a moment, and turning her head to look at her, Seele saw that her eyes were closed. “How do you think I feel?”

“What?”

Bronya took a deep breath. She opened her eyes, but didn’t look at Seele, staring straight ahead instead. “Seele, right now you are the person I care about most in the world. You’re also my bodyguard. You’re constantly throwing yourself into harm’s way for me—constantly protecting me. And I can’t protect you back. I don’t get to protect you back. You’ve decided, and everyone else has as well, that your life is worth less than mine. Can you imagine how that feels for me?” 

Seele’s chest ached. She hadn’t considered that—hadn’t considered any of it. It only made her feel worse, to know that she’d been so ignorant of Bronya’s feelings. 

But it didn’t change her mind. It couldn’t. “My life is worth less than yours,” she murmured. “You’re the Supreme Guardian, Bronya. I’m nobody.”

“ No! ” 

Bronya slammed her fist down onto the first aid kit, sending medical supplies scattering everywhere. “This is exactly what I’m talking about!” She took a shaky breath, her eyes welling with tears. “I know I’m the Supreme Guardian. I know I have a duty to my people, a duty to stay alive. I know that you’re trying to protect me, both for the sake of Belobog and out of your personal devotion. I know that, Seele, and I will forever be grateful for it. But…” She stared down at the wound she was dressing, tears slipping down her cheeks. “You’re not a nobody to me, Seele. I don’t want you to throw your life away. That would hurt me more than any wound I could possibly sustain. If you truly care about me, you’ll protect me from that pain too, won’t you?”

Seele was speechless. What was there to even say in response to that? None of the words she knew would come even close to being enough. She had never heard an outburst like that from Bronya before, but more than that, she’d never heard Bronya be so open about her feelings before. “Bronya…”

“I am trying so, so hard to be the perfect Supreme Guardian. To be the leader our people need.” Bronya shook her head with a tearful, bitter laugh. “I’ve been telling myself all this time that it’s just part of my philosophy. That a good leader, a good person , would never put their life over someone else’s. But… maybe it’s time I faced the truth. It’s only selfishness. It’s only me not wanting to lose the people I care about.” She looked Seele in the eyes. “I’m human, Seele. I can’t help the way I feel about you.” 

The way I feel about you. Seele’s throat closed up. This is too much. It hurts too much. Aeons, please, I can’t do this.

“Maybe a leader who’s human is what our people need,” she said, her voice quiet and rough.

You’re not selfish, Bronya. You’re exactly what you should be.

“What about you, Seele? What do you need?”

I need to see you happy, Seele thought. I need to see you safe, and at peace. 

“What I need isn’t important,” she said.

“It is to me.”

They looked at each other then. For just a moment, they were both nobodies—just two girls in a little, dark house who loved each other so much it was bursting out of them, seams splitting, leaking out against their will. In the dim candlelight, tears glimmering on her cheeks, Bronya was so beautiful that she took Seele’s breath away. 

And in that moment, Seele made up her mind.

“Ask me what I want ,” she said.

Bronya’s voice was barely a whisper. “What do you want?”

Seele sat up and extended a hand towards Bronya, who still knelt on the floor at her feet. Bronya took it, letting Seele pull her up to sit on the couch next to her. With her good arm, Seele reached forwards and brushed the tears from Bronya’s face. She knew Bronya could see the answer in her eyes; could read her just like she always had, and she could see it in Bronya’s, too. When was the last time either of them had done something simply because they wanted to?

Seele leaned forwards and kissed her. And Bronya cupped her face in impossibly gentle hands and kissed her back, soft lashes on her cheeks, salty tears on her tongue. They held each other, safe in each others’ arms, and Seele thought, Maybe we’re both human. And maybe that’s okay.

*      *      *

About an hour later, a knock came at the door. Seele approached warily, peeking through the blinds with her weapon at the ready—but it was only the Silvermane Guards, coming to let them know they’d caught the sniper. A single madman, working alone. The danger was over. 

“Thank you for showing me your home,” Bronya said to her, quietly, as they were escorted back. 

Seele knew what she meant. It was more than just Seele’s little house—it was the whole of the Underworld. The whole of her life. Thank you for showing me your heart, was what she was really saying.

Silently, Seele reached for Bronya’s hand and twined their fingers tightly together. 

Thank you, Qlipoth, for answering my prayer.