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Life as a chef was brutal, but he was addicted to it. He was addicted to the chaos, so overwhelming that it made him have at least a couple of panic attacks per week. He enjoyed the crushing pressure that felt so intense, like he could drop dead at any minute, crushing under the intensity and weight of it. He loved it because the satisfaction of achieving his goals tested better than anything that had touched his tongue before. He was addicted to that rush, it was hell of a drug and caused him to have absolutely no life other than his work.
That was until he met Syd.
He never had time for anything, he didn’t have friends, he never had a girlfriend and he didn’t need any of those things. His home was barely touched, unless he was cooking, trying something new. His house looked like no one lived there because of how little time he spent there. He was always working and his mind was always on the game, he was always focussed on that day and the next day. But since he met Syd, he had caught himself wondering about her life after work.
Was she exactly like him? It did seem like her entire life was working, but did she have someone? What did Syd enjoy doing apart from cooking?
He never asked himself those questions, cooking was more than enough, he didn’t need something else. But he wondered if Syd had a hobby, if she had friends, what music she liked and what did she hate. He noticed that she was always listening to music when she arrived, so he wondered what Syd liked in general. Which was strange to him.
He was interested in Syd, he wanted to know more about her and that never happened before to him. He never wanted to know more about his co-workers, he didn’t even think he knew what Sugar or Mikey’s favorite color was if he was being honest. But there was something about Syd that made him want to know more about her. They were very in sync, there was an unspoken way to understand what they were thinking about, what they were frustrated about in the kitchen and what their plans were. They understood each other’s visions and desires.
His fascination with Sydney was not only as a business partner. Syd was exceptionally beautiful to him, that was a fact. But he had found women pretty before and it had never been such a distraction to him like Syd was. He loved Syd’s smile, her teeth and how her face lit up when she was satisfied with herself. He loved watching her hands cook and create. He was very drawn to her face and how much Syd expressed through her eyes. Even when she didn’t mean it, her emotions were pretty obvious all the time because they were shown in her expressive big brown eyes.
“What?” Syd said once touching her face while he was staring at her without realizing it.
“Got lost in thought, sorry.” He quickly said and looked down and his heart skipped a beat.
He had seen countless people cook while everybody was stressed. He had witnessed kitchens at their worst, which led to a lot of people cutting themselves, burning themselves or some accident happening. He never batted an eye when it happened, it was part of the job. He never cared for his own injuries or cuts, he was too numb to feel them and they mattered very little. But Syd's injuries? Syd's cuts? They fucking mattered a lot.
“Fuck,” He heard Syd said while grabbing napkings to wrap her finger with.
Fingers and hands bleed a lot, a tiny cut would soak up a napkin. He knew that, but for some reason seeing Syd bleed made him unsettled.
“You okay, chef?” He asked without thinking and watched how Syd frowned while looking at him.
“Yeah, it’s nothing,” Syd answered on the defense, ignoring how much her finger was bleeding and confused as to why he was asking.
He knew it was weird, cuts happened all the time and no one ever asked the other if they were okay unless it was something serious and they needed to treat the slice. Syd got grumpier after that, her mood was much worse and he knew it was because she probably thought that he was being nasty while asking her. He knew how Syd and every chef’s mind worked: asking someone if they are okay sometimes was done to point out their mistake, their messiness. How much of a rookie they were. But that was not his intention at all, it was out of genuine worry that for some reason he couldn’t contain.
“Syd” He said after some time while Sydney kept chopping vegetables while her finger kept bleeding into the rough bandage.
“What the fuck? It’s not getting into the food and we are behind, why are you being an ass?” Syd said, rubbing her forehead in the same way she did when she was getting overwhelmed.
“It’s not that, it’s fine. We are holding up nicely, just go clean that out and come back.”
Syd rolled her eyes and he hated himself for acting so weird over a cut.
He ended up caring a lot and being weird over more things. Everyone had stomach problems, there were so many chefs that had either reflux, acid problems, ulcers, you pick it. He had seen chefs puke outside and bounce back in seconds countless of times, he had witnessed chefs puking their guts out after the adrenaline of the day ran dry. It was normal. But for some reason he really particularly disliked seeing Syd suffering from any of those things.
He glanced at Syd rubbing her stomach for a second and felt the need to make her feel better. He knew that Syd’s stomach acted up more than normal when she barely ate during the day, which happened way too frequently for his liking.
“You have to eat something,” He said while watching her rest her forehead on her hand after sitting down.
“I’m good,” Syd said without looking up. He grabbed the blandest thing they had ready in the kitchen and fetched a plate for Syd.
“Your stomach will get worse if you don’t eat, Syd” He said and Sydney looked up, looking at him in surprise that he noticed it.
“It won’t slow me down-” Syd started to say and he hated how many times she thought that his worry was rooted on the business and not on her well-being.
“I’m not thinking about that,” He said, interrupting her. “I just don’t like seeing you in pain.”
He said and looked down, not able to make eye contact at that moment.
“Uh, that was weird…but sweet,” Syd said teasingly and he was satisfied when the girl smiled at him and picked up her fork to actually get some food inside of her.
He was used to his panic attacks and he had kept working so many times while chefs had one. But seeing Sydney have a panic attack was another completely different thing that he absolutely hated.
It was a particularly awful day for Syd and he felt terrible because he hadn’t been helping. He had been screaming too much, even to Sydney at one point, which made him feel terribly guilty.
After everything got better, he watched how Sydney gripped the counter with shaky hands, her eyes were unfocussed and she was breathing too fast.
“I need a minute, chef,” Syd said and turned around to go outside.
“Are you okay, baby?” Tina asked her softly but Syd ignored her. He knew Sydney was going to have a full blown panic attack outside. He also knew that people didn’t help most of the time but he couldn’t stop himself from following Sydney.
He got outside and his eyes landed on Syd who was on the floor. She was hyperventilating and rubbing her chest, which was a sight that made his own chest get tighter.
He quickly turned around back into the restaurant, grabbed an ice pack and a towel and got outside fast again. When he got to Sydney again, she was even worse, her breathing was out of control.
“Hey” He said, crouching in front of her and helping her straighten up against the wall. Sydney looked outraged and confused to see him there. He quickly put the ice pack wrapped in the towel on the center of Syd’s chest and held it there.
“It’s okay, hold it. It helps.” He said, grabbing Syd’s hand and putting it on top of the towel. He kept his hand on top of Syd’s while unconsciously rubbing it.
“Breathe, focus on the ice. You are okay.” He said and kept repeating it, he knew how much it helped to hear someone tell you that you are okay. Syds had teary eyes and she kept staring at him while trying to slow down her breathing.
He desperately wanted to help her feel better, panic attacks sucked and he didn’t like the fact that Syd went through them.
“Thanks,” Syds whispered after some moments while still holding the ice pack on her chest. He realized he was still touching Sydney’s hand, so he quickly used that hand to rub his neck instead.
“Sure,” He said, giving her a smile and feeling less tense now that Sydney didn’t look so scared and breathless.
“The ice is…is very good,” Syd said while rubbing her shaky palms against her legs.
“It’s a life changer,” He said sitting down next to her, and while their shoulders touched and they were very close, Syd smiled tiredly at him. It took all his will power not to have a heart attack when Sydney rested her head on his shoulder for some seconds.
They got closer after that, and slightly touching each other became a routine. He rubbed her shoulder or back very briefly often; she also patted his back or arms a lot. They smiled a lot more often to each other and something scary kept growing inside of him. The desire of wanting someone to get close to him, was something that terrified him. But he never wanted to allow someone in as much as he wanted Sydney to be.
It was hard to accept though and for some weeks he was an asshole and he hated himself for it. While freaking out from how much Syd meant to him, he put some distance and acted colder or worse, which Sydney didn’t deserve at all.
“But you have to fucking tell me those things!” He said feeling himself get heated in a way that reminded him too much of his own mother.
“I was going to-!” Sydney said angrily
“That’s not enough, you can't do that Sydney. Now I don’t fucking now how we are going to figure this out. Fuck.” He slammed his hand on the table and Sydney got startled.
“Woah, stop. Stop.” Syd said and his eyes found her hand rubbing against her chest, signaling ‘I’m sorry’.
He instantly calmed down a little, feeling terrible that he had been yelling at Sydney and actually upsetting her. She looked upset, tired and almost sad for a moment.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He imitated her signaling and took a deep breath. He pushed the heels of his hands onto his eyes for a second, thinking that he couldn’t do that. He just couldn’t talk to Sydney like that, she didn’t deserve it.
He didn’t want to be the one to make her face look unhappy, he wanted the opposite. He swore to himself to make a conscious effort to get better at handling his temper.
The next day Sydney was a little quieter than usual, and she looked lost in thought a lot. They were going to try restaurants for inspiration, something that he was actually very excited for and so was Syd, so seeing her like that worried him.
“You okay?” He found himself asking her a lot if she was okay. It’s like he had to make sure.
“Can we talk for a second before we go?” Syd said and he nodded while sitting down.
“I don’t know what’s been going on between us, you’ve been acting weird and worse than usual.” Sydney word vomited the second he sat down. “I don’t know if it’s because you are doubting everything, if you are losing faith or if you are doubting me.” Sydney kept talking and her words carried a pain that made him feel drowning in guilt. “But I need to know Carm, you just have to tell me because I can’t keep guessing and we are opening soon and-”
Sydney stopped and put her hands into fists, she then swallowed hard and looked up at him.
“I’m not, I’m not doubting you.” He said instantly, feeling his heart slam against his ribcage. “That will never happen, I’m not losing faith and I’m sorry.”
“I’m sorry for being an ass, and I will…explain but first you need to know that no. I’m not. And I wouldn’t be doing this without you Syd.”
“You could do it without me,” Sydney said and he had to stop her feeling like that. He couldn’t stop himself from holding her hand in between his, like he was holding the most precious thing.
“No. I couldn’t. I wouldn’t be able to, and I wouldn’t want to.” He said stroking her hand, not knowing what he was doing while Sydney looked him wide eyed.
“I’m sorry, I’ve been…freaking out,” He said, opening for the first time in years. He looked down to where their hands were touching each other. “I think so much about you that it makes me panic, I care so much about you and…you’ve changed my life for the better. You appeared in the worst time of my life and yet you-”
He looked up and Sydney was looking at him with her mouth slightly opened, her hand holding his back.
“I like you so much that it scares me.” He said and they both have been talking really close to each other’s faces.
That was it, he said it. And he was going to fuck everything up, to ruin everything because Sydney most probably didn’t feel the same way and-
He froze in his spot while feeling Sydney’s lips on his. His heartbeat skyrocketed and he quickly cupped her face with both of his hands. He had dreamed for so long to hold Syd’s face like that.
It was so sudden yet so wanted and welcomed.
“Sorry” Sydney said while pulling back, looking at him with her eyelids a little dropped. He couldn’t believe that it actually happened and that it was reciprocated.
“Don’t be,” He grabbed her face again and kissed with more intensity. He felt a rush inside of him that was electrifying, he wanted Syd so badly. He loved Sydney in a way that he didn’t know was possible.
They kissed again and when they pulled back he rested his forehead against hers, their breath connecting and Syd laughed. The sound made him instantly smile.
“Oh my god” Sydney said while staring at him and returning the smile. He pulled her into his arms; he had wanted to kiss her for so long but he had also wanted to hold her in his arms so badly.
Syd hugged him back, circling her arms around his waist. He held her in a tight embrace, feeling such love erupting from his chest. He had never felt such intense feelings for anyone like he did for Sydney.