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Chapter Text

I am actually surprised as the sun is shining as I arrived in Vancouver, he said it would be a shock coming from Europe and then New York and yet this reminds me of home.
I step out of the train and onto the platform and I am excited to see my best mate and then hopefully get this job so I could be based here for a month or so and then we could have such a laugh like we did on that job we met on in LA or the mini holiday we had on our road trip to Texas. I had never been so hot as I was there, like the sun was actually on top of you, the stifling heat and rising humidity made clothes stick and skin shimmer. I was so hot I told him I would kill for a cold pool and he comes sneaking round the corner at this garden party full of folks we were trying to network with and he was doing well but they were really quite boring and he whispers

‘come with me’.

I did. Why wouldn't I.

He took us around the side and down some steps, I had to climb a fence in a good dress but I didn't care we had the giggles by this point and he told me to close my eyes and I knew he’d do something but I did it anyway. He lead me onward, small anxious steps and my heart thrumming in my chest from the excitement and then he stopped. Quiet. Total silence. He runs both hands over the tops of my arms like smooth silk touch and then gripping onto my arms suddenly I am pulled to the side and falling.

What feels like suspended time I open my eyes to see that he’s in front of me looking at me and then we hit it. With a loud splash the icy cold water envelopes us and in a view clouded by bubbles and blue water I can see him and then my legs and then I am aware that I need air and I push back to scramble for the surface.

I am reeling from the cold water but as I break the surface and take in a huge gulp of air I think about how fabulous that cold water feels and he is in front of me having taken gulps of fresh air and is dripping little beads of water onto the surface and smirking at me.

I was both mad and happy. I shouted at him about the dress and how we couldn't go back to the party and we needed to get to the car without being seen and I kept rambling about who’s pool was it and what was he thinking and he just stood in front of me and smiling said

‘are you cooler?’

and I stopped and laughed I girly punched him in the shoulder.

‘I don’t think I want to ever get out of this water, do you think they have it piped here from a glacier? One day we’ll have our own pool. I mean pools well, depending on where we end up living no point in having a pool in Seattle as it’s so wet, unless it was indoors and heated…’

I've already started rambling like I'm having an in depth conversation with another intellectual; myself. He’s laughing and he gets out sticks out a hand for me to hold onto as I climb out he says

‘that’s more like you, the heat made you too quiet.’

So we wandered back soaking wet to the car but by the time we got in we were actually mostly dry and soon it was just too darn hot.

I don’t know why old memories are coming back, I've visited him plenty of times when he got the last two shows and he has stayed over or crashed with me when I was working in NYC. I wish we could both be in one place for more than a week; I miss him when we have to go this long apart. He’s my best friend and it’s always just been since that job I worked props and he had a part and we had time waiting around the set both getting little pay but credit for the work. He seemed so scary when I first saw him on set, so stunning and clever and funny and well just what you dream of and everyone wanted to be around him. I never know why he chose to spend time with me we are like chalk and cheese and how we would joke and goof and then go for food or a beer or even watch a film crashed out on the sofa. He’s always tried to get me into sports and I know the Blue Jays but I still struggle with all his other ones, going to the games a getting him VIP tickets once was the best surprise birthday present he said. I figured when he got work further away that he’d forget me but he didn't even when he started walking the red carpets. I said I had this possible job here and he was so insistent that I come and stay even though he has such a full schedule but here I am and I am so looking forward to one of his hugs.

It’s like spring and yet it’s September. The trees are still green and shiny leaves rustle in the wind, the wind is fresh and cool but the gentle warm heat of the sun is perfect there are some big clouds but they look thankfully bereft of rain for now. Some odd leaves maybe one on a whole giant tree has gone orange a sign of the approaching Autumn but I get the feeling that once the season decides the whole tree will turn like orange fire or yellow ochre in a matter of days as if the green leaves are living on borrowed time. I love autumn, I was never into thanksgiving and Halloween till I worked in the states and now here I am looking forward to the holidays if I get to stay and work here a while. I tell myself to stop day dreaming as I can’t get that far ahead when I haven’t even met the director and writers yet. So I focus on getting to the set.

I said I would make my way as soon as I got in to meet him when he broke for lunch on set. I get to the set by following his instructions and meet a guard at the studio gates. He’s wearing his all black almost special forces get up and I am wondering if he has ever shot anyone and I can see the taser on his belt and get a shivery twitch I really never want to find out what that feels like. He is scary and stone faced and once I tell him who I am before I can say who I am there to meet his face gives way to a bright and positively infectious smile.

‘Oh you are…he said you would be here, come in I’ll get one of the guys to take you up to the trailers.’

He ushers me through the gate and it locks behind me with a loud mechanical sound. I bump into some of the crew as we are standing generally chatting and then the nicest girl comes past with a pile of clothes in white named bags and after the guard who obviously knows her greets her she turns to me and I say hello we do our introductions and then I ask

‘Can I help with that?’ I ask.

‘No, I’ll be fine but I'm heading to the trailers with some wardrobe stuff I can show the way.’

I insist on helping her carry the load, I have done this and will be doing this hopefully on the next job so it just feels like normal for me, I’d kill to get a series gig like this though. He offered to help introduce me to folks and I met some at parties but I did it myself and I am doing OK and I like it that way when it comes to work stuff.

It doesn't take long to get the stuff up to the trailers and I help get them into the other trailers which she was so thankful for as it gave her a head start on getting back to the other pile of things she still had to do. As we had done she turned and pointed to the right,

‘That’s the trailer there, head on in he’ll be off set in a bit if you want to get any food the vans are round that way and to the left, you can’t miss them there are always people around there even just for the coffee! Thanks, this was a big help. See you later on I hope!.’ As she hurried off I headed for the trailer door.

Once I stepped inside you could tell it was his space, his scent his style was everywhere. He had an office space and mini lounge with a table under the TV and off the office was a mini kitchenette and tucked in the back bathroom and shower. His hoodie and some clothes are hanging up on hooks beside the office area, ready to get into when he’s done for the day. I dropped my bag on the sofa and took off my jacket, then on the table I saw a card propped up with my name written on it. I wandered over and picked it up and inside was a message:

Hey,
hope you had a good trip,
I’ll see you at break!
S
xo

With a grin spreading across my face I look around and there is everything you might want but I decide to head round to the food trucks for some hot coffee and maybe a snack I didn't think I was hungry but I haven’t had a thing since this morning when I got on the train and its almost 5pm.

I Leave my stuff in the trailer, and stick my phone in my back pocket; I know he has his on set so send him a quick text as I wander out.

I've arrived, got the note. Getting coffee. See you soon. Xx

I get one back 2 minutes later, which means he’s not shooting right now as he is so focused he won’t touch it unless he’s not filming.

Looking forward to seeing you, shouldn't be long think we’ll finish this scene and then I’ll be round. Get me a coffee too! Xo

Heading round to the side just like I remembered from the last time I visited the set I found the trucks and yes people conversing around in groups with coffee. I headed up and got coffee and folks said hi and introduced themselves asking who I was there to see and I would tell them just a mate up to visit and they were so nice a few remembered me from my last visit. I got the coffee and eventually headed back to the trailer. I got back and I was in the door two minutes and the sound of a familiar voice getting closer and closer then the door swung open and in he came.

He always fills the room he is in, it’s just how he’s always been like everywhere he goes someone turns on a light or turns the brightness up but never too much. He smiles and he grabs me into one of his hugs, I hug tightly back a little squeeze between us before separating and I step back he takes off the suit jacket he’s wearing from costume and I kick off my shoes and sit on the couch with my coffee as he sits and I hand him his.

For a while we do the normal, how was it travelling here, how are you stuff and I ask him how filming is going and we cover all the things you do when you meet with your mate, your best mate. Who finishes your sentences and knows what you are thinking and laughs at the joke without having ever spoken it but you are just both thinking the same thing at the same time.

He was skipping food on this break as he tells me we are going to have dinner at his tonight as he shouldn't finish late so he’s on just a coffee for now. I asked him wasn't he doing his live Facebook thing but he said he was planning on one for the next day as he had stuff he wanted to launch then. Always planning ahead.

I laughed

‘I still haven’t gotten over watching you on stage at SummerSlam from your green room, I was peeking through my fingers and shouting at the screen! I really hope you get to do that at least once more, one on one with Stardust. I bumped into him in the corridor waiting on you coming back and his make-up was looking pretty messy!’

He grins widely, ‘I hope we do, I think we might get to have a mini one on one at Raw again in October or maybe November just as we get a break for Thanksgiving.’

‘Colin is so right, you have been working on a move for real haven’t you!’

‘Well…’ his cheeky grin reaches his eyes as he lowers his head in an attempt albeit a terrible one in hiding the truth that is unfortunately written all over his face. ‘when is your meeting tomorrow?’

‘I meet with the Director and writers tomorrow afternoon for coffee and a ‘chat’, but not until 3pm.’

‘Good, remember anything I can do to help, just tell me.’

‘I'm fine, I got this meeting just from the last few jobs so I hope that means my work is proving itself. So what are you filming the now, looks like you’re in the Queen persona the now, back in the suits again?’

‘Yeah suit today, leather tomorrow. I miss all the casual wear I got away with last season I was getting to like Oliver’s more relaxed way of life in soft trousers and hoodies and T-shirts all day.’

‘Yeah but your butt looks better in the leather.’

‘true.’

By this time he has relaxed into the corner of the sofa, having kicked off the formal leather shoes he was wearing he is now facing me with one leg bent up the other outstretched his toes wiggling his black socks, he sips his coffee. He has put the cup down as we continue to talk not noticing as we relax like slow melting chocolate into the sofa and start spreading into each other, I stretch a leg out and the front of my right shin is now pressing again his left. I didn't notice as we talked about his work, Nocking Point, the fundraisers, the Atlanta Con coming this weekend and how the trailer was coming out that his hand was now on my knee and slowly rubbing the fabric of my jeans. It didn't feel weird it was unnoticed, yet a tiny part of me that I thought had been squashed years ago suddenly felt a jolt of fantasy but I quickly sent the idle thought back to where it came from as he has never seen me like that. I was talking about home and mum’s failing health although her mind is strong the body is failing and his fingers gave a tiny supportive squeeze and I didn't see when he must have moved his hand further up and had my hand had stretched out for his as I suddenly became aware that my rings on my right hand are gently burling.

It’s actually amazing as it’s never happened before and I suddenly feel like all the nerve endings in that finger have become super-sensitive. There is a slight pause in the conversation and I look at our hands with fingers intertwined and I actually engage my fingers in the twirling like the answers to a question his fingers have already asked.
I snap out of the daydream and he’s looking at our hands while his fingers burl the ring and there is a moment in the air, like someone released a living presence into the space between us.

‘Have you ever thought…’ he says softly as the words ebb away into the unspoken as he looks up at me.

I'm dumbfounded, did he really?! No, this is me daydreaming I have got to get this under control I've never been like this before.

‘Us...’ he finally whispers as if the word itself were fragile and would break if spoken too harshly.

With the feeling of both spinning and sitting completely still now surrounding me, I swallowed in an attempt to form a word, a sentence a sound even to respond.

‘I did, but I was sure you didn't. I wanted you in my life and I would never risk losing that. I fell for you the second day we spoke.’ I managed.

‘I thought it was just me, you just wanted a mate.’ He says.

I can’t feel the sofa beneath me, the carpet under my toes or the air I pull in to breathe anymore, everything has stopped and like the tip of a pin head under a magnifying glass I feel both intensely focused and yet overwhelmed.

‘Is this really happening? But you could have anyone, and I mean that anyone. You could stick your head out the door and half of the people here would volunteer let alone the women you work with who are just stunning…’

I have started rambling and I know it and yet I cannot stop. He starts to grin and his other hand grabs mine as I have a habit of talking with my hands and its flailing around almost as if it can draw what I'm talking about in the empty air like a visual guide and he pulls me in a little closer as I ramble on.

‘…and everyone ships you two off screen and on and well she’s cute as a button and I've met her she’s so nice too, I want to steal her dog just so cute.’

‘I decided to pluck up the nerve to ask, I've held back and for so long. I thought about you and I and well I spoke about you on every date I’ve had. That’s why it never really works out with the others, they can’t compare to the woman in my life I measure them to.’

I believe I have stopped talking, only now I think my heart is going to beat a hole in my chest, the thrum of its constant rhythm is now a dramatic timpani drum reverberating through my entire body.

He pulls me a little closer and his hands leave mine I am so shocked at the loss from my grasp I sit like a solo climber who reaches the top of Everest and has now seen the immense indescribable sight before them. His right hand reaches my face and gently caresses my cheek as my eyes close to the exquisite feeling when I open them again the other hand has found my face and hooks my hair around my right ear. He is coming towards me as close as we both close our eyes everything is now unspoken.

The breath I feel on my lips tells me that his can only be a hair away from touching mine and our noses touch just before his lips touch mine. I can’t think any more, there is only this, only this moment.

I am lost in the waves of sensation as fingers and hands move and I know I am leaning back as I feel the sofa behind my back but he’s still only that mm away so he must have moved with me, I can feel his chest against mine, his right arm is wrapped around me I can feel his hand at the middle of my lower back supporting me. But his lips never leave mine.

The left is holding the weight of him from pressing me down and yet I want to disappear, to melt into the ground through the sofa and be enveloped in this to feel him. We simply seem to entwine like two satin ribbons around each other as we end up side by side on the sofa our legs now plaited together holding us to each other. I have wrapped my right hand up to the back of his head and I love the fuzzy feel of his hair on my hand, the tingle of tickling my palm with those short hairs at the base of his neck.

He moans and I expel a breath involuntary in response to the noise and my fingertips tense for a second. My left hand is pressing against his ribs and as I cannot reason what is happening I know I have grabbed his shirt in my clenched fist.

We haven’t said anything, and the moment is still going, a suspended bubble in time as his right hand has combed through my hair traced down my neck and glided down my side to my hip. I am aware that his thumb has made contact with the skin above my jeans waistline just under my tops hemline and is making a circle. He doesn't try to move up, its like I know he respects me even with this tiny touch, he’s drawing this circle and like a whirlpool my mind is being pulled to it and my right hand in response moves around from the back of his neck and slips down between our chests and I almost imitate the move by moving my hand to his hip and place my hand on his waist where his shirt has come out and my thumb begins a replying circle. As if Morse code through our finger tips the circles become the centre of the known universe to me. I can feel everything and I never felt so alive. His breath hitches and he is only an inch from my face as I open my eyes to take a big breath myself.

‘I want you, I want us.’

My voice almost squeaks as I try to comprehend the words.

‘I never wanted anything else.’

He is breathless as I am as he kisses me again and that swirling vortex of bliss is about to take over when suddenly there is a loud set of bangs on the door.

Chapter Text

’10 Minutes Mr Amell!’

The sound of footsteps fades away as the runner heads onto the next trailer on his rounds. I have been holding my breath, I'm not sure why and then I open my eyes and look at him. He grinning and very close to me.

‘I completely forgot where I was for a moment.’ He says.

‘I am still trying to remember my own name.’ Is my reply.

He smiles and we relax in each other’s arms for a moment.

‘I can’t believe it, I am so happy right now I don’t know what to say or do and yet I wish we could just stay here like this right now.’

‘I would have liked the runner to have been at least another 20 minutes.’ He flashes his cheeky, trashy face at me.

‘We have to get up and sort you out to get back. I think I got you all creased up.’

Reluctantly we both rise from the sofa and stand, I feel as light as air and light headed like that fuzzy soft way you get just as you wake up but sounds tingle in your ears and light seems brighter, touch feels electric.

We sort him out, smooth his shirt and straighten him up. I get his jacket as he tucks his shirt back in his waist and slips his shoes back on. I hold his jacket out and slip it onto his arms, I run my hands down his arms as I brush his jacket down and think about how many times I got to hold him or touch him and now it can be like this, like I always dreamed.

‘I won’t be long tonight and then when I get back here we head straight out, I’ll txt you when I'm done. If you want to wander on set I just might not be able to get my concentration back. Will you be ok here?’

‘I've been able to entertain myself plenty of times in your trailer before – wow that sounds like something Felicity might say to you! On that note though I have wifi and coffee so I'm good. Go, get back to work.’

He leans in and kisses me pulls me close and kisses my forehead.

‘To be continued.’

He jogs out the door and it shuts. I stand completely amazed and dumbfounded. All this time, all this is really happening. I can’t sit down, I don’t know what to do I need a distraction as I want to go everywhere at the same time. I have never understood the term buzzing until now.

With a little bit of time to play with I head out for fresh air and walk around the lot, avoiding the lot where he is filming right now and I meet my friend from earlier with her pile of clothes. This time she is getting props from the other set so I ask if I can tag along and see the other bits of set she is happy to have the company and I get an almost guided tour around the other lots. We get the items she needs and once they are dropped off at the next location she has a break and asks if I want to see more of the lot. I agree as the last time I was here I only saw one or two and those sets have been recycled since then. I get the VIP tour and even into the wardrobe department to look at props and costumes, I get to see all those wigs of his lined up in order of length and its truly funny to think of him in them.

Then I get a flash, like a sudden vivid moment reliving itself and I feel the short hairs on the back of his head tickle my palm. I jolt back to the present and hope my blushing isn't as bright as it feels. She says nothing so I guess I am not the bright scarlet with luminous sign above me that I have imagined.

Once we've gone around we stop at the food trucks and sit on the benches with hot coffee. She tells me about how she’s been there about 6 months and had been on another show but this was her first series credit and loves it. She has worked all over and even worked in Europe. She asks why I'm there and we get talking about contacts and things and we share some info and she wishes me luck with the meeting tomorrow and she gets a call on the walkie. With a rushed goodbye she runs off and says she hopes to see me again soon and I should let her know if I get the job and am going to be in the area also she knows of a few crew who have spare rooms they let out that could also work out as short term digs. Lucky to have met her I wave her off and just then my mobile vibrates in my pocket.

Hi, hope you got here ok, looking forward to meeting up tomorrow still OK for 3pm?

I text the director back,

Hi, got here this afternoon. 3pm is great, looking forward to it. Thanks for sending me script.

He replies:
Glad you like the project, see you then. Thanks

I am shutting my phone and about to toss the left over coffee as I realise I neither need the caffeine or the drink but I have had it now without thinking and hit my coffee limit for the day, when my phone pings again.

Come to the set x

It’s from him, but he’s filming why would he want to see me now? I am suddenly anxious and yet curious about what this cryptic message might lead to. I reply quickly.

On my way x

I toss the cup in the bin and head over to the lot I know he was working on, I don’t know what set is there only that he was wearing his suit persona for today. I get to the doors and the guys standing there say hi and already know who I am, they tell me to head on inside and the set they are on is to the left. I thank them and head in, its weird everyone seems to know who I am but I had only really met the main cast and crew more than once. I follow the corridor and it opens up after some offices and bathrooms into the massive sound stage that has 3-4 sets I can see currently set up. It looks like a Mayor’s Office in one and what looks like the old Arrowcave is tucked in the back corner, about to be recycled from last season it has the glass cases and some set pieces in a deliberate mess so they must have done some flashback or pickup shots. My curiosity has drifted me towards the foundry set and I see the ‘love fern’ I really hope that is in the new season the fans and myself have become attached to Ambrosia. I know not to touch or move anything in case of continuity but I was standing thinking the Arrow is a whole identity and folks love him, I know the guy underneath and he’s just him. Funny and kind and driven and…mine.

The heavy reality of that thought comes with a sudden fear which I want to ignore but I can’t. He is so loved, so followed and photographed even stalked a little by the press and fans and everyone. How would this ever work out as I'm not a red carpet girl I don’t do that stuff and I don’t think I’d like what folks would say about me next to him we are so different so opposites. Would the pressure get to us? Would it get to me? I would hate that I became a monster to him for all the outside pressures getting to me so much that it actually split us apart.

That fear hit a nerve, no matter how or why – losing him as a friend would kill me. If I never got to kiss him again would be bad enough but to remove him from my life completely would be so destructive I don’t know what I’d do. My breathing is quickening and I kind of feel like I have forgotten to take air in when I suddenly feel hands grab me from behind.
I scream, and instantly realise it’s him as he is now apologising for scaring me and I laugh nervously as I turn around to face him.

‘What’s wrong? What’s got you so jumpy?’

‘It’s nothing, over active mind. What’s with the txt? I thought you were filming another couple of hours before finishing.’

‘I have one more scene in the suit and then i could be done, something about rewiring something for the other scene so I could be done early which I thought would be great news and I wanted to see you again while I have this time.’

‘oh, that’s great. I’m glad to see you too, I wondered if I had just nodded off and dreamt earlier.’

‘What do you mean earlier?’ his face straight and confused looking

‘You know, don’t play with me you know I hate it.’

‘I literally don’t have any idea what I'm supposed to have done. Coffee was good and catch up but had to get back here too soon. Have you been in the trailer or did you go anywhere?’

I am panicking; I think I know what it feels like to have palpitations. Cold and yet hot waves are running all over my skin like a laser scanner on the surface I think I can hear my heartbeat in my chest and I can tell my fingertips are tingling.

He looks honestly at me and then I see it, the flash of deception and he knows I saw it and he breaks into laughter. He smothers me into a big hug that wraps around me and I want to be close to him in this moment of relief and then I push back opening the space between us but with his arms still wrapped around me and mine on his chest.

‘How could you! That was horrible! I can’t even…’

‘That was my best yet, you normally catch on and call me on it. My acting skills are that good now.’

‘Your ego could do with a few puncture holes I see.’

He's smirking as he leans in and gives me a quick kiss. This reinforces the euphoria of relief rushing through me after the anxiety is pushed away.

‘I want you to stay but I think I might keep looking off set at you. I'm really looking forward to getting back to our earlier conversation.’

The thoughts I was having wander back into the back of my mind now the adrenalin fades and I don’t answer back.

‘You ok?’

‘Yeah, I'm fine. You should get back and get finished up if I come to the set I won’t be able to think about anything other than grabbing you and holding on right now so I will return to the trailer and read my script for tomorrow.’

‘OK’

His left arm stays wrapped around my back and his right hand comes round to my cheek, he gently places his palm on my face and his thumb barely touches the skin on my upper cheek as I lean into his palm. I close my eyes and breathe out, I feel calm here like this. I bring my left hand up over his hand and lean in close to him my right hand still on his chest. I can feel the heat of him through the thin shirt, the faint beat of his heart in my fingertips and the breath on my face as we get so close our lips touch and we breathe together.

‘We...have…to…stop…’ I manage to say

He nods in agreement, but then he kisses me. It’s soft, and he pulls on my bottom lip. I love it, I lean right in and wrap my hands around his back, I can feel his shoulders and those muscles move as his right hand is in the hair at the back of my head now and his left hand is in my middle back pulling me close to him. I want to be in the same space I want to surrender right here and now to this and not care who sees us.

Reality is right there to remind me as I hear approaching voices and we have to separate to a more reasonable distance and by the time the voices have passed without seeing anyone we have managed to pull ourselves to allow a space albeit a small one between us.

‘Go back to work, I'm going to go to your trailer and we can focus better later without…interruptions.’

‘OK, see you soon’

He smirks and walks off as I wander off to the corridor again then outside and head back to the trailer.

Chapter Text

I must have dozed off on the sofa because I am aware that my iPad is lying flat on my chest and I was a little chilly but I was so sleepy I didn't want to move. I then feel the iPad being slipped from my fingers but something tells me it’s not because it is falling but it is being lifted, gently by hands. I don’t open my eyes the fuzzy space I'm in is soft and tingly and I want to stay there a little longer.

Fingers and a touch so soft it was like I was made of delicate rice paper so fragile I might tear and the hairs on my hand tell my a finger is drawing on the back of my hand, then another touch moves my hair back around my face and then draws a line down my forehead, nose and then the tip of the finger runs across my lips. A sensation I can only liken to being both dropped in cold water as I had in Texas and yet so enjoyably invigorating that it essentially shocks me gently and brings me to the surface. I smile and open my eyes and there in his hoodie and tee he is knelt beside the sofa next to me.

‘You looked so cute sleeping, I didn't want to wake you but its time to head.’

‘Sorry I don’t even remember falling asleep. I was reading the script and making lists.’ I sit up and he stands.

I quickly slip my shoes back on and put my iPad away making sure to lift my charger and that I have remembered my phone, purse and by the time I have arrived at the door with my jacket in hand he is opening the door and stepping out with his bag thrown over his shoulder.

I followed him outside into the twilight of evening and we walked the very short distance to the lot carpark and there is a car there for us, I forget that he sometimes has a driver for work and not his own car with him. I got in the back and expected him to sit up front but he came in beside me.

‘You guys have met before’

‘Yes, how are you? Hows the family doing?’ I ask.

As the car moves off we engage in general conversation about the drivers family, his work and what it’s like driving his charge everyday. I didn't notice that during it we had reached out so my right hand and his left were holding each other in the middle while resting on my bag and jacket his thumb innocently rubbing the side of mine.

We get to his house and he leads up to the house and not much has changed in the main room although he has some new artwork up and he leads me through the house he turns on the lights as we go.

I was so glad to be there and relaxed here; I put my bag and jacket on the end of the sofa, and headed into the kitchen where he was opening the fridge.

‘Beer?’

‘Absolutely.’

He knows I can’t really do wine but with his ventures into Nocking Point he sees it as a challenge and keeps trying to find the one I will like. We have discovered I lean more to the rose types and so I think he has one in the works. So he knows I would rather a cold beer than wine right now and I really don’t want any more coffee that’s for sure.

He starts lifting out some food and he has already prepared some stuff when he turns and starts getting it ready. I help where I can, the two of us laughing and talking and doing what we would do when we meet up. Flowing naturally in the space passing each other things and all while holding the same conversation this is what makes us just…Us.

Once the food is ready we sit at the coffee table by the couch with the beers and food, talking like we haven’t for ages. Every now and then those little touches that never meant anything before are now supercharged.

Finished with eating the plates and their leftovers have been abandoned and we've been laughing.

‘So what got into you earlier, you seemed more than just jumpy?’

I know what he’s talking about and I remember everything I was thinking about. Should I tell him what is worrying me? I would before I wouldn't have kept things from him. If I want this if I even want to try this then I have to risk it.

‘I was having a moment of…doubt.’

His face drops and I know what I have said he has thought I was thinking we would be a mistake.

‘NO! NO! not that! Not that this, us would be wrong. More that I could be wrong for you. I'm not red carpet material and your fans love you so much they are going to see me and maybe go crazy. I don’t know what they will say and then thinking it won’t affect me now is naive as I know I will read or see something and then I did the whole over thinking thing and figured those feelings would turn out on you and I realised my worst fear just as you grabbed me.’

‘What fear?’

‘That I could loose you, loose my best friend in the process. I couldn't NOT have you in my life. If this doesn't work then I fear that I loose it all not just the dream.’

With a pause, he looks at me so seriously.

‘I don’t care what others think about US, I don’t care who finds out. I would have run around the set today but I wanted to have time with you first. I want this, I want you just as you've always been. I can’t say what will happen but there is so much more to our connection than just wanting to sleep together. You've never cared what others thought, are you that scared of this?’

‘I just know that I freaked thinking about it, if I can’t fit into your world. You’re not a struggling actor doing indie and low pay jobs like we were back when we met. It a very real danger that your well-deserved popularity and fame has to be acknowledged and factored into this decision. The studio wants you free and single for PR and for the ‘Olicity’ fans this could go mental about this. It’s not that I'm not willing…I want to right now…but I would be stupid if I didn't realise I'm wading into uncharted waters.’

‘Ok, so fear that the outside world is unapproving is the only thing other than it not working?’

‘Basically.’

He is sitting in front of me on the sofa we’ve been facing each other and the plates and beer bottles are on the coffee table next to the candles. His living room is all light paint and has cream comfy couches and touches of natural wood here and there it is all very zen. He leans forward on his knees and embraces my face in his hands. He kisses me intensely and with no reserve I melt to him I can’t resist this.

We merge together and I am now aware that we are alone and completely undisturbed and it excites me as well as scares me as this could be the moment and yet I just want to get so close to him to feel that skin against mine.

I am tracing my fingernails through his hair and pulling his back towards me his hands have gone to wrap around me pulling me tight against his chest.

When you stand at the coast and you watch on a windy day the waves rolling in and sliding back out, massive rolling swells that would drown you as they come in yet slide away almost without moving a grain of sand.

That’s what I could feel now, waves of emotion and sensation that reared up and would like a tsunami threaten to take the air from my lungs and the ground from under my feet.
But it would break and release, the air would come rushing back and the silence and sensation would surround me till the very fibres of our being seemed to be linked to each other. His hands were everywhere as were mine I could feel muscle and skin and movement.

I would glance at him as we now slid back and he was lifting me and laying me down so gently I couldn't decide if the world had shifted or us. He was on top of me and I loved that feeling the instinct took me and I wrapped my legs up and my thighs grabbed his hips.

He moved like he was going to take his top off and I was going to do anything at this point I wanted it all. But he didn't and I was surprised.

‘I don’t want our first time like this. Come to set with me in the morning, go to your meeting and then tomorrow night we have an actual date. Late Dinner and everything. You deserve it to be special. So would you like to go on a date with me?’

He gets me, I would have charged into this right now and might have regretted not making it more special more planned later and he knew this.

‘I would love to.’

‘Do me a favour, no sex, but sleep with me, beside me tonight.’

I nod and smile and we sit up and give each other the tenderest kiss the without saying anything we both clear the dishes into the kitchen and he puts out lights locks up and as I grab my bag he comes over and carries it then takes my hand as we go upstairs he leads as we go into his room and he puts on the lights.

I go to the bathroom and get ready like I would for bed in my baggy tee and shorts and clean up and he comes in as I am finishing and he does his own routine of teeth and making sure he gets all the makeup off and then he’s looking at me in the mirror and I head out to the bed giving him a little privacy just as he did me as I still think some things don’t need to be shared unless someone is sick or injured. Again he knows this about me.

He comes out and I am sitting on the bed on the right side I would have gone left but I know that’s his. I have the duvet corner pulled back and I am just setting the details on my phone for alarms the next day and a note for it to alert me as it gets closer to the meeting time. I know roughly where the coffee place is and I can get there I just need to check times. He has his shorts and tee and before I thought nothing of it but this is like peeling back the layers, the suit and now down to the shorts. He gets to the bed, sets his alarm and I check with him the time of his so I can set mine too. He says the car comes around 9 am and only takes about 20-30mins to get to set.

We both get in and he puts out the light, we are lying on our backs but angled towards each other. As we get used to the dark our eyes adjust and I can see him, the outline of the furniture in the room.

The bed is big, wooden natural headboard and fluffy pillows and a supper comfy memory foam topped mattress you just sink a bit into it but it’s not like marshmallow it has firm support as well. The colours are all muted and calm and there is a dresser a bench at the foot of the bed and a chair set in the corner of the room next to a floor lamp. The two side table have a little light on them and his has his alarm clock and phone, my side has my phone and my necklace.

‘I think I fell for you that first day on that first set.’

‘I was so poor and tired but I loved it. When I saw you come on set I laughed in my head as I thought I would be invisible to you. You were…’

‘Goofy? Stupid looking? Dumb?’

‘NO!’ I laugh a lot, ‘vulnerable, attentive, you seemed to draw everyone to you. You still do. Like a magnet in the centre of a pleasant tornado. I just figured that we would just be civil to each other on set and then I would proberly never see you again.’

‘Did you want to see me?’

‘OF course I did! You were my daily dose of eye candy and fantasy. I daydreamed about it all the time off set. Then one day fixing the set dressing and you are hanging around set and you started talking to me.’

‘You told me I was a talking prop’

‘Sorry, but you are an actor we place you and although you move around it’s still a kind of prop albeit a bit more advanced and attractive one than drapes and vases of flowers or furniture.’

‘I didn't mean to break it.’

‘Leave something unattended or laying around near actors and you can bet if there is something that’s supposed to be unbreakable an actor only needs about two seconds and then its broken.’

‘I thought I was going get fired, I thought you might turn me in.’

‘I couldn't, I wouldn't. I said it had fallen in a set move and they were fine we luckily had a backup. I guess I saved your bacon that time then huh.’

‘In more way than one. I looked forward to getting to work not to do the show but to talk to you.’

‘Then the random txt msgs, the 3am call because she broke your heart; I hated her she was a controlling bunny boiler waiting to happen. Or the one where you actually called me from the bed where that girl was sleeping next to you and you were freaking out about who it was and I couldn't believe it.’

‘You were trying not to shout but you told me to get off the phone and call you in the morning. On reflection you were right though.’ He pauses ‘I called you once and you went to sleep on me on the phone. Took me ages to realise you had stopped responding.’

‘I asked if you were ok, I made sure it wasn't an emergency and it was the small hours of the morning. I actually woke the next day thinking I had had a dream about talking to you on the phone and then when I found my phone in the bed I realised it wasn't a dream and that I had gone to sleep while you were talking. I txt you saying sorry so much that day.’

‘I loved that you were apologising after I woke you at 4am to talk.’

‘I would do anything for you.’

We have naturally rolled over a bit and I am leaning into his shoulder space and he’s almost on his side. We talk like this for a while, and I can remember getting to that point where you are still talking but you do it with your eyes closed and then it’s inevitable you are going to succumb to slumber and we did. The last thing I recall was that I had curled into his shoulder and he had an arm down and holding my hand as I drifted off to sleep. I think I heard something whispered but it could have been an echo as I entered dreamland but I was sure I heard that.

‘I love you.’

Chapter Text

The sounds of crisp sheets, my right foot slowly rubbing against the mattress like a cats tail when It’s purring.

I'm aware of sounds of breathing, heat and then the weight of something heavier than the duvet on top of me. I flex a tiny bit and the heat moves with me, the weight remains. I reach out to find my limbs as if the paralysis of sleep has only worn off my head and foot and I have to tell it to release the rest of me.

I am comfy, relaxed and then I feel touch fingers intertwined with mine and that weight I now know is the arm that is wrapped around the side of me. The body behind me that is cocooned around me moves too and I still don’t want to open my eyes. This is perfect. This is what it means to be in a blissful state.

I can’t believe that this is how I get to wake up to the day so job or not this day is a good day.

‘Good morning’ the soft golden toned voice murmurs in my ear.

‘Good morning.’ I reply and I hold his fingers in mine and wrap his arm around me tighter. I really wish we could stay here, like this. I know he can’t. I would never ask he’s so totally committed to being a leader on set its what makes him the awesome person I know.

He takes in a deep breath and then I kind of roll back into his chest and he has risen up on his elbow and is looking down as me as I blink my sleepy eyes open and smile at him.

‘Do you want the shower first?’

‘Yeah, I need to move my butt. Are we still ok for time? I can fit one in if I stay if you need to get going?’

‘Plenty of time, the alarm hasn’t even gone off yet. But if I don’t get up and have a cold shower staying in this bed with you is going to get terribly tempting.’

I grin at the idea of that and also indulge in the idle daydream that follows.

‘I think you might need to push me out of the bed, or kick me out.’

He smiles, and in the warm morning light strained through the white chiffon drapes at the window he glows in golden light. I am lying in his arms, in a bed that feels like it was topped with marshmallow puffs and half asleep I want to stay here for as long as possible.

‘I would love to help you out, but I really want you to stay where you are.’

I giggle. And my reluctant brain does what I think all brains do in the morning it makes us move. I make the groaning noise of a wild bear or moose or large angry mammal and I sit up and kiss him gently as I sit up to face him as we meet sitting in the middle of the bed.

Just a quick peck and then I force myself to get out and move, standing is the first victory as I zombie walk to the bathroom with my bag so I can get ready.

I glance back as I turn in the bathroom he's caught looking at my bum, a cheeky smirk passes over his face and I laugh and close the door.

I have a moment to glance at the horror of what I look like in the mirror and then decide to look away. I get in the shower and quickly get my jeans and top on so I can free up the bathroom for him.

When I pop back out he has his stuff laid out on the bed for the day and I take my damp towels and drop them in the laundry basket making sure there are others lined up for him. I drop my bag on the chair at the dresser and he passes me and has just got his socks out the drawer when he scoops me into a hug from behind and kisses me on the cheek. Then just as quickly releases me and head for the shower and the door closes.

I fix the bed, and get everything I need with me phone, purse, ipad, emergency charger and of course lip gloss and drop it in my big handbag.

I wasn't one for make up so I just put on my base some powder foundation and put a little brown black mascara on with some natural shadow. I would love to be so perfect that I didn't need any but that isn't the case.

I head downstairs and I clean up the dishes we left and dry and put them away. I get the coffee on and we've got still about an hour or forty five minutes to the driver pick up. I have thought should I think about breakfast, there is fruit there and I could do toast or cereal but I'm not sure if he has something here or at set while getting hair and make-up.
So I stick with the coffee and I check my phone for the details of the coffee shop and what best way to get to it and what time I need to leave the set to get to it.

He lightly bounces down the stairs into the kitchen and I pour him a coffee and he has his jeans, a blue tee that brings out the colour in his eyes and he drops his bag with his stuff in it next to mine on the sofa.

‘Do you want anything to eat?’ He asked me

‘I'm ok the now, I wondered if you had anything before heading in?’

‘Nah, I will much on stuff I need at the trailer, the truck has everything! I wish I could have pancakes and bacon though but shirtless scenes mean no pancakes.’

‘Can you do them on hiatus? It would be too cruel to say never to pancakes.’

He smiles, infectious and his eyes lift.

‘Yes it would, and I look forward to a pancake breakfast with maybe you and some fruit, maybe cream...’

I think I actually blushed. I had never really before this and I had daydreamed way more than I was right now but the pink tones rushed to my cheeks and I felt too hot.

He caught it.

‘Looks like we are thinking the same.’

He smirked and had some coffee and he said he had to grab some stuff from his office and I should come see some of the new stuff he has in there. I still loved the figures on the chimney in the kitchen especially the pole dancing general Zod.

As we head through to the office space, his figures, Donaldson shirt, Sinceriously campaign and gifts he's been given are all arranged around his sports shrine. He can watch the show and two sports programmes all at once he’s terrible if there is a jays game on. If it’s a bad game it goes on a small tv and he has other stuff on if it’s a good game then they stay on the big screen.

I noticed as he’s grabbing some bits from his desk that he has the twilight saga on the top shelf, now I love these and he has taken great joy in ribbing me about it and I still believe he had the joke in season1 just to piss me off. He certainly picks enough twilight hating memes. But the books are there.

‘Uh, what was that about never ever reading sparkly vampire stories?’

He turns and I gesture to the shelf with the evidence.

‘I was a werewolf once, it was research.’

‘Research. Did you read ALL of them?’

‘Well I had to get to the story arc for the wolf characters otherwise it wouldn't have been research.’

‘You liked it didn't you!’

‘It was OK, like I said it was good research.’

‘Yeah you keep saying that, like you've got stuck on the word. That means you are telling me a big fib!’

He smiles I know I got him and I'm laughing and not mad but wound up as I took so much crap for loving those books and films from him. I was so supportive of him on Vampire Diaries although I did tell him I was horrified he shot and tortured Caroline as I love her. I suddenly recall the picture he sent gloating as he knew I had a crush on Ian Somerhalder and he was right there and now I don’t care. Ian means nothing now as I think I won the big prize.

I never get to tease him long and I admire his new stuff as I see the sinceriously keepsakes, Fuck cancer thank you’s from fans and it is a true joy to know him, he’s so kind and honest he really wants to help others and loves it if he can do something to get them through.

‘You do so much, I admire so much about who you are. The charities and all the work you do, it really makes a difference to so many. You know that right? Just how much good you do is really felt?’

‘If I can do something to help then its all worth it. I would hate to think I had all this and I didn't use some of this when its at its greatest to help others. It might not last.’

‘You are going to go from strength to strength, first step turtles next step full feature lead. The next Tom Cruise, only taller, hotter and well a little less strange.’

He laughed out loud,

‘I mean it if you go all weird and join that Scientology thing I will stage an intervention or have you kidnapped!’

He agrees that this is perfectly acceptable and then we head back into the kitchen lounge area.

We’re all ready to go and finishing the coffee, I rinse out the cups and he pulls his phone from his back pocket as it buzzed.

‘Car’s here, are you ready?’

‘Yip’

I grab my stuff and we head out to the car.

It’s weird having a driver, but I forget that its unusual quickly after we are all talking about the day and laughing about the jokes being told.

We get to the set and the day is bright and it seems cloudy but they are white and light and not hopefully full of rain, I have packed my mini brolly just in case today. I might be a little nervous about the meeting today as I only know these guys through a guy who heard about a guy who knows a guy kind of thing. I usually know someone closer to the actual people than this and get a better idea of who they are and their reputation but I read the script and it seems ok, the pay is average and it’s a chance to work here where a lot of work is based.

We get to the lot and he leads the way to his trailer. I worry that he needs quiet time in the morning to do what he would normally and feel like I should make myself scarce for a bit.

‘I will head over to the truck and get something to eat, do you want me to bring you anything?’

‘Why don’t we go together?’

‘I thought you might like some peace and quiet, you’ll have a routine that I'm totally disrupting.’

‘In a good way, you forget that I want this kind of interruption.’

We head over to the truck and he gets his normal breakfast mix, I have eyed a fabulous fruit smoothie mix that’s yummy and some wheat like biscuits. So we get breakfast bump into some crew he talks with and these are guys I haven’t met so he introduces me to them and they all seem really nice and then we head over to the trailer.

I leave him to get into his routine as undisturbed as possible and I curl up on the sofa with my smoothie and ipad while finishing my notes from the script and then trying to lay it out on a file I can share with them at the meeting, even a sketch or two from the inspiration, some brainstorming.

We must work away quietly for about 15 minutes when he gets a knock on the door and he should for her to come in.

‘Good morning, make-up time!’

He introduces me to her as well and says I will be around this morning and she seems really nice and he asks me to come with them over to make up.

We walk over there and he sits in his chair, something he’s natural at everything just flows around him. The girls do the make up and thankfully its just simple base stuff for him and his hair doesn't really need any attention. He then gets his signature black eyes and once he is done its over to wardrobe where again I meet folks new and old and can’t get over how nice they all are and he gets the leather pants and a short sleeve tee on and I get to admire his butt.

‘Of course no sleeves, you shot yourself in the foot with that one’

‘I really did. Its cold already and November and January shoots I think I’ll get hypothermia’

I laughed, and he checked he was done and they said he was all ready, so we headed outside.

‘Where are you going?’

He pulls me back from heading in the direction of the trailer

‘You have to go to work, set is that way I'm sure’

I say it like its obvious, he has to go to work and I have to amuse myself and do any prep work I can and then go to this meet. It seems simple to me.

‘Come to the set.’

‘What? But you are working and I will be in the way there.’

‘I can focus, I'm that good now.’ He smiles. ‘And you won’t be in the way. Come on in and stay, please.’

‘Ok’

We head to the set, it seems to be a supposed factory or inside a warehouse and there is going to be some dialogue from team arrow before a fight sequence. I love seeing the fights, they work on them off screen and its amazing how quickly he picks it up and also how good the stunt team are. Better than some in the movies.

He walks on set and I'm all ready to stand in the back out of the way and he doesn't let go of my hand and takes me right over to the side of the set where David, Emily, John, Willa and Katie are all hanging about.

‘OH MY LORD! When did you get in! how you doing girl?!’

Then next thing is I am squashed in the warm friendly embrace of John. He is from my neck of the woods and I've met him a few times when visiting and he’s so much fun and so kind.

‘Hi john, what haven’t you been up to?’ I laugh

‘You know me too well and so do these guys. Here to visit long?’

‘I have a meeting today so maybe I will get to work in the neighbourhood for a little bit, fingers crossed’

‘HI’ and another hug, its David. ‘You can keep this lot in check if you get to stay.’

‘Have they been misbehaving again?’

‘All the time, all the time.’

David smiles and then Emily and Katie are over and Willa. I disappear into a girl hug. Then we are all talking and they are all joking and then there is the call to get ready and all I want to do is get out of the way as quickly as possible. Its like putting a rabbit in the headlights, they sometimes sit there and stare in complete panic unable to run away and yet they are totally aware that there could be danger. Right now I am the rabbit.

As the group disperses to the right places, I go to walk away and he grabs me and gives me a quick kiss on the lips. Not unusual for us but now I think this has a giant neon sign above it flashing in bright colours. I am pretty sure John just clocked us and has that look on his face that suggests the cogs are turning. A potentially dangerous situation.
I quickly scurry off to the back at the side completely out of the way of the crew and everything. I am standing a way from where they are filming and just watching them work. I love this, its as if you step into the back of the movie screen or TV the focus in the lights is on the action and actors and you are in the dark and watching it there is nothing like that feeling. I loved being backstage before a show in a theatre space just by myself before the others arrive for their call but to have the time in the massive space in the quiet and anticipation feels like Christmas morning when I was a kid, or being by the sea on a clear windy day. As if there is invisible threads of silk between you and that place, at that moment you can feel the space whether it is a coastal view or a theatre in the dark when you breathe so does it and when it moves you subtly respond. A conversation in silence with no one there. Perfect.

He’s fantastic, but I knew that already. He and David have a scene together first and the others are over practising something else and then sneaking up beside me is John. I almost didn't see him coming and would have screamed if he had suddenly jumped out at me and he would absolutely do that to me.

‘John before you scare the crap out of me, stop!’

‘Aww I’ll get you, its inevitable.’

‘That’s what I'm afraid of.’

Its quiet and they go for another take and there is silence again, then as they are done there is another relax as they move to the next position.

‘So what was that I saw earlier?’

‘What are you talking about?’

‘Don’t play coy, I saw that kiss there was more there than casual friends there.’

‘No, just same as always.’ I don’t know what else to say, does he want them to know? Do I want them to know? We haven’t even had that first date! John’s persistent digging is entertaining but not when I am the focus of his attention as he always gets to the bottom of things. All ready he caught something in that kiss and here I am lying about it and I think John is going to know everything.

‘Yeah, right’ he scoffs ‘When you are ready to come out about it you two might actually be perfect together.’

I think I'm blushing, the heat feels like two red hot light-bulbs are warming up behind my cheeks, starting the warm hot glow.

‘You do know how much he talks about you and how much he cares about you, right?’

‘Yeah, he’s my best friend I feel the same about him.’

‘Uh-huh, best friend. With benefits soon!’

‘John!’

‘Have you done it already?!’

‘JOHN!’

The buzzer goes to sign going on another take and I panic that I was too loud and would hate to have interrupted something. Thankfully no one is looking.

‘you are going to get me in trouble.’

‘Honey, you are already in trouble and I hope it’s the naughty kind. Make him keep the leather pants on at the start!’ and he rushes off and gets ready.

I'm standing in the dark and the quiet. He is still on camera, as he’s the lead there are few scenes or things without him in or around it. He loves it that way though.

Mulling over what John has said and I know there could be something as soon as tonight if plans go smoothly but it’s up to him about who knows when it comes to his work and his associates. This has a lot more impact on him than me and I am thinking I just can’t fit into this life without work of my own. I really need this job, it would allow me to stay here for at least the next 4-6 weeks if not longer and that would tell us how this is going by then providing it is still going by then. What if it goes bad and I have to be here, what if he never wants to see me again? Panic and irrationality have taken over the control panel and internally I am sounding alarms at defcon 5 level but on the outside I am simply standing in the darkness watching.

He is still working but David and Emily are over while John and Willa have a scene with him and Katie joins them.

‘It would be awesome if you got that job here, this weekend some of the gang are at DragonCon but we should do brunch or dinner or something if you are here!’

Emily is genuine and sweet and everything you think she might be. I can’t describe in enough words how truly lovely a person she is.

‘So this job is it a series or a film?’ David is animated and joking when not working but now he’s focus in on Diggle’s frame of mind so he’s calmer and quieter.

‘Just a little indie film, gig will only be about 4-6 weeks here. They said if it comes out well to take it to the festivals in Toronto, LA and maybe even London, Edinburgh and Europe. So it’s good credit. I think I am in line for the Props and set dressing but I had also spoken about 2nd Assistant Director as well and he seemed open to see what I have.’

‘You’ll get it no problem! How about that guy you were maybe going to say something to? I never got a chance to catch up since that last visit mid-season 3 shoot. Did you bite the bullet and tell him?’ Emily presses me

I had forgotten that last time I was here there was a night sitting in a bar drinking with the cast that the girls had ended up gossiping in the corner and inevitably the conversation ended up with a love interest theme. I had no one I was hoping, because I was daydreaming that at the time there was only the unattainable which I said and the girls had pressed me to promise to ask the guy and tell him how I really felt. They didn't know I was talking about him and the whole time I was thinking he is NEVER going to feel like that.

‘Uh I did actually, recently. Seems he felt the same so we are going to see how it goes.’

This doesn't break the news and it doesn't give anything away and the pressure of trying to dance around an answer is gone.

‘Oh wow, you have to let me know how that goes!’ Emily beams.

I smile and say I will, but I am giggling on the inside.

I wonder how he feels about it being public, he says he’s fine with it but once folks start talking and the media and everyone make comments it could affect how he feels. I dismiss the negativity focus on the now.

‘Are you going along to DragonCon this weekend?’ David asks.

‘I think it all depends on this meeting and I might start straight away.’ I reply.

I can’t even think of how that would work, I know his schedules for Con’s are absolutely crazy. This is a really busy week to be here and to be trying to start something. It would have made sense to have been over a break or hiatus but life doesn't really plan to the perfect timing. And I don’t mind this surprise.

‘I don’t think I’ll get to con this weekend, this back is really becoming an issue.’ David says.

‘Did you pull something or hurt it?’ I ask, the action on the show is done by stunt pros but David and Stephen do a lot of their own, especially Stephen and so they put themselves in the road of potential harm.

‘I don’t know, but I have an appointment today to see what they recommend, they reckon its mostly muscular but need to check I haven’t slipped a disc or anything worse. Oh the fun of that. Trying to explain to DJ about how a sore back means I can’t play as normal is a concept lost on a toddler.’

We all laugh.

The buzzer goes and the scene is done, and the group scatter saying they will catch me later and they are all on set and talking. I stand quietly and then he is over and the group are obviously working on another scene only this one has everyone except him in it.

‘Hey’

‘Hi, you actually aren't in a scene?’ I joke

‘Yeah, they are going to be talking about me though so still counts. I'm that important, if I'm not there they have to talk about me.’

I giggle.

He moves closer and I over think it, he’s going to hug me maybe kiss me and although I want it I stop him mid hug.

‘John suspects, I don’t know what to say or do around them, if you kiss me I think it will give it away but you need to say what you want to do.’

‘Would you mind if they knew?’

‘NO! I don’t mind at all but they are your work colleagues and friends and well it’s how you feel about it.’

He smiles. I don’t know what he has decided. He looks happy about his decision. Then in the shade of the darkness off set he kisses me and I don’t stop him.
‘I'm gonna head to your trailer and go over my things for this afternoon and you can concentrate. I will catch you on lunch break before I have to head into town.’

‘OK.’

He pulls me close for another kiss and then we are just standing in the embrace foreheads touching our eyes closed.

‘No matter what happens with this job, stay with me.’

I breathe a moment and open my eyes to look at him. We don’t even know what is going to work out here; the risks and unknown factors are astronomical. I would have to have something to do I couldn't just live at his place indefinitely with nothing to do, no income of my own. But I want to be with him, I want to stay. If I don’t get this job, I will look for another it’s a good area to be in as there are so many series filming here.

‘Ok.’

Chapter Text

Sitting on the sofa in the trailer, I had put the final touches to the ideas I had about the script. I had a mind map, I had a props breakdown, I had set ideas I even had mood boards and ideas for set design. I was ready to kick butt.

I hadn't been thinking about time but I knew I was still OK as I had set an alarm on my phone just in case.

I can hear voices and one voice gets louder and nearer and as it gets to the door it swings open. He steps in, still in his green leather and tee but he’s left the leather jacket on set along with all the other accessories he has to wear. He steps in with a box in hand and he is finishing a conversation with one of the crew, they have been joking as it ends in laughter.

“Hey!” he beams

“Hi, you are in an exceptional mood, shoot go well then the rest of the morning?”

“Yip.” He grabs his hoodie and then comes over to the couch with the box and sits opposite facing me. Opening the box it has a mix of salad, and rice and chicken, there is a mix of things I like and his favourites.

“Grabbed us a selection, here…” he hands me a spork to dig in.

While I'm munching on a piece of delicious chicken he is eating some salad and although I envy his ability to commit to all the healthy foods he eats I just can’t go all the time on so much greenery. I like my food but I don’t over indulge either although on his regime my menu is made by Satan and couldn't be allowed. I kind of look forward to a little compromise there, he will be good for me trying to eat more of his good stuff and maybe when he does get to splurge I can certainly lead him to good recommendations.
For a second my trash mind has kicked in and am back to the conversation about cream, the squirty from a can kind that is perfect for being on a body….

“So are you all ready for the meet?”

“Yeah, I am so over prepared I have everything I will wow them with my creative brain.” I smile as I pump my own ego with a touch of sarcasm.

“They would be mad not to offer you it on the spot.”

“Well, let’s hope the feel it too, good things have been happening since I got here so it bodes well.”

He smiles.

“When you are done, msg me.”

“I will, I won’t be able not to.”

“What have you got to film this afternoon?”

“Couple of dialogue scenes and well I have to confess…” he pauses

“What?”

“I have to make out with Emily for about an hour or so.”

I laugh out loud.

“I would normally have repressed that and been terribly jealous, I was definitely jealous of the three twenty episode. But I think all viewers were.”

He is grinning at me. “You were?”

“OH YES! Are you kidding?! But then it lasted about 3 seconds because well it’s Emily and she’s just too sweet and adorable. So I couldn't stay mad at her. Although I don’t think I have be able to re-watch it either.”

“Wow, I never knew. I hoped but never knew.” He’s looking right at me, as if he just figured something out and is relishing in the moment.

“Your ego is going to get too big for this trailer.”

“You can keep it in check.”

“I’ll try; it could be difficult as I think I will be the main problem from here in.”

I surprise myself with the forwardness of the sarcasm but this is how we would be with each other before all this, just always having that dig at each other or pulling on each other’s metaphorical hair which now is clearly a literal translation of that old wives tale about boys and girls hitting each other and being mean because they actually like each other. Although all my experiences would say that if they say mean and do mean they are actually just mean. No secret agendas. Girls are always more verbal and far nastier than the boys as well. Now I want to gloat about this just to find those faces from the past and just smile while standing with him and know that I won in the end because they didn't keep me down.

“You are thinking about something very intently there, I hope it’s good”

“Oh its good, and well it could get better.”

We finish eating, talking about his day and family, issues and all the normal stuff you chat to your best friend about. Song that is stuck in your head, movie you want to see and all the daily escapades of you that once you edit and describe seem like a movie rolled into what would be crazed comedy starring Jim Carey as you.

Lunch break is done, and its time he headed back to the set. I have about half an hour till I will head to the gate and into town.

“How are you getting into town?” he asks

“Oh I already nipped down to the gate and was talking with the guys and they have a taxi booked for me so its fine.”

“You didn't have to order a taxi I could have got a car to drop you off.”

“No, I'm fine sorting myself out. It’s good for me anyway. If it goes bad I can go shopping to commiserate and if it goes well…I’ll go shopping to celebrate.” I laugh. He knows I love shopping, not big stuff little things and I love anything that sparkles.

“How many handbags and necklaces can you possibly ever wear?”

“Oh so many and each inspires a matching outfit. You can have a top, bag or bling and spend a year or more trying to find the matching items for the look in your head. What can I say, girl logic.” I pause. “Although there is a ton of stuff I have never worn as well.” I laugh at myself.

He laughs with me. He gets up puts the almost empty lunch box in the bin and takes off the hoodie as I stand so I can say bye to him till later. He has his eyeshadow on so his eyes are brighter than normal; the blue seems to become piercing next to the green. He opens his arms into a hug, like we would normally, but instead he wraps an arm around with a hand that runs up the centre of my spine and into the hair at the base of my neck.

His fingers twirl the hair they tingle the nerves that run down my spine and through my limbs, the hairs on my arm seem to stand as the sensation reaches my fingertips. The hug pulls me against his chest but those fingers stay there cupping my head and gently holding it as he leans down and smiles at me.

He leans closer as the space between us feels now microscopic as if the nerves of our bodies have intertwined as my arms wrap under his and my right hand pressed between us touches his jaw. The tiny feather touch that instantly seems charged and I run it down his jaw line to his lips. Soft, smooth and supple my finger barely touches his lips and his eyes are looking intensely at me, I am mirroring his expression as I run my fingertip along his bottom lip his finger strokes the tiny hairs at my neck again the unspoken conversation between us becomes all there is.

The moment is too charged, too overwhelming, too dangerous. I need to bring this back down but I want to follow wherever he leads. I don’t want to stop.

He moves those lips to touch mine, gently touching his bottom lip to mine, our breath is in time and quickened, then I close my eyes and I think he has too. Just that tiny patch of skin on my lips and yet right now it is connected to every single limb and inch of skin I feel like I am on a precipice with no rope attached and I don’t care if I fall.

He kisses me; my bottom lip is caressed by his and I his top. My right hand grasps his tee as if clinging to the rock face over a gorge and he tightens his grip on me as the kiss intensifies. I can feel my lips open and then the slow intertwine of tongues. A dance begins a tango of tongues both gentle and yet firm, soft and yet supple each taking turns to take control of the other and breathing intently in gasps glimpsed through lapses in the dance. The tingles, the taste, the touch all coming together in and in an intensely intimate climax.

we both realise how close we are to not being able to stop and we both part lips and with ribs pressing together with each breath.

“We really have to stop.” I manage to whisper out

“I know.” He replies in the same muffled breath.

My heels lower to the ground, I hadn’t even felt myself rising up, and his hands relax to my waist and I put both hands on his chest where I’m sure my fingertips can actually feel his heat beat thrumming in his chest. I can hear mine in my ears but the pressure is easing as the pulse rates start to drop to normal again.

“Txt me as soon as you are done. I wish I could come meet you after.”

“I will, I’ll meet you back here at dinner break and then you can get work finished while I go back to yours and freshen up maybe make some super and I will see you when you get in. That way we can avoid situations like this for the rest of the day.” I am smiling through the words.

“Good plan, only one problem.”

“What?”

“I don’t want to let go of you.”

“Same here.”

We both manage to pull apart a little more and I can look into his eyes he’s full of light and his now blushed lips are smiling.

“Go. Get back to the set the sooner we get on the sooner we finish.”

He smiles and gives me a quick reminder kiss and a close hug like the kind that almost squash the air out of you and then he turns opens the door and jogs out.
The door slaps shut and I think I am still reeling as I start to feel gravity again, the thought to move returns and I slowly make my way back to my bag and pack my stuff ready to go.

I headed to the gate when it got to the right time and then it was a really nice chatty taxi driver who was so enthusiastic and apparently loved to laugh out loud that I was left in a really good smile after stepping out the door. I was at the coffee shop and had 10minutes to spare so I head in and order my fav coffee and find a lovely open corner area at the window where the light is coming in, the old vintage white painted wooden booth with pastel and patterned cushions cover the hard wood. Eclectic mix of off brightly coloured chairs and wooden framed chalkboards with the coffee menus decorate the walls. They have a selection of toasted Panini’s, hot sandwiches and of course muffins and cakes and although I would love to test some of the ones I have seen in the cabinet I am too nervous right now.

I get set up with my ipad and phone and put them on silent mode so I don’t get any calls or messages through while talking. I am just making sure I have all the items open on the home screen when I am aware someone is walking towards me.

“Hello!”

I recognise this face only a little as the picture on his profile is so small its hard to see features on a face but he comes forward with a grin and I stand and he smiles. A cute soft face with a smile that almost had dimples is framed by brown hair and brown eyes. His dress code is hipster mixed with nerd and he has a top on that is mint coloured tee is showing under the dark charcoal v-neck top that looks like a really soft wool possibly cashmere. The jeans are dark worn blue and soft shoes like converse or vans complete the almost mature student appearance.

“Hi, So nice to meet you, Matt. Please, can I get you a coffee?”

“Oh don’t worry Neal is getting our coffee, he’ll be over shortly.”

Neal is the Director and I haven’t seen him at all but I have searched out info about his work to see his style and likes which helped me find the right mood for the work I have brought with me.

As Matt settles into a chair he lifts his bag onto the table which is a leather messenger bag and is well worn in a good way with soft and supple flap he sits and pulls out his notes and I think a copy of the script and lays it on the table. He sits as another man walks over with two coffee’s.

“Hi, what would we would be able to achieve without coffee in the world would truly alarm the population. I'm Neal.”

“Hi Neal, good to meet you.”

I introduce myself and we have all sat down. They get sorted and once the pleasantries are over I take over as I see that this is going to be me pitching a vision of what I see through set, and props and design to them.

“The script really reads well for the design I hope you don’t mind I made a few ideas up to show you what I meant.”

I easily take control of the meeting and without being too dominating or forceful I show them the props lists I have compiled and a possible selection of potential sources. The set design and look I have created mood boards of furniture, textures and colour schemes, the costumes a collection of looks for each to tone with the overall look of the film and fit the character. Some sketches of the characters and the floor plans of the rooms as well which thanks to the app I have I can then have them interact with spinning the room and seeing it from all angles. They seem quiet but enthusiastic and they then help change some of the colours and tweak the look of the rooms but love the ideas I have. We talk about the work I have done in the past and I brilliantly manage to incorporate my knowledge of their works and styles into the conversation. I ask them about casting and the rest of the crew, where they were hoping to film and did they have any locations locked in yet. I get the idea that they have access to a studio place where the set indoor pieces can be done but are still scouting the outdoor locations. The have a Director Of Photography who is pretty much lighting and in charge of all things camera and he comes with his own group of gaffers, grips and so on. They don’t have someone in costume but its modern day so they ask if I would be happy should I join the group to add it to the design department and that they would get at least two assistants to help me. I admit I was looking forward to the idea and so I really don’t mind at all and the modern setting means I don’t have to source any difficult period items when it comes to costume. I haven’t noticed the time when I see that nearly 2 hours have passed and we have been talking and laughing and basically getting on really well the whole time.

“Can I get you another drink?” I ask them both,

“I’m fine, thanks” says Neal

“I’m good for now.” Says Matt. He is watching me the most I think he makes the decisions and Neal is the more creative of the duo.

“We actually have to head I had lost track of time. We promised the DOP we would meet him as well this afternoon.”

The gather their things together and they are chatting away in general making jokes and we are all laughing.

This could be a really good team to work with. I like them, casual and creative they bounce ideas and love you throwing things out there for them to think about and I think my mood boards and sketches have gone down well. As they are about to go we are all standing saying thank you.

“I think you are going to enjoy being on the team.” Says Neal

I got it.

I am so elated and I control it to thank them and say to them calmly how they can call me anytime about starting.

“I’m really excited about this, thanks again.”

“I’ll send you the other schedules and the contacts list I have. The casting should be done over the weekend and then we have next couple of weeks to pull everything together for set, costume and location. Then shoot for about 4 weeks and into post. You good to get rolling on Monday?” Matt is already in organising mode, and I like that it’s what I want to do all the time.

“Absolutely.”

We shake hands and they head out, I sit back down and I grab my phone and switch the silent mode off. I can see that there are two messages.

YOU ARE AMAZING. THEY ARE GOING TO LOVE YOU. I DO. S, XO

HOW DID IT GO? S, XO

I am on a high from the adrenalin, I start to gather my stuff up and I’m thinking should I txt him or surprise him? If I don’t txt him he is going to worry and yet I want to reveal this face to face. I think of a plan.

I’LL SEE YOU SOON AND FILL YOU IN

That means he knows that I am not ignoring him but it can also be seen as it went both well and bad. I don’t want to be mean, I just want to tell him I got it.

I have all my things and I head outside. I pass a few shops and I see there are quite a few I would love a browse in I can already see things that sparkle in the window. But I am on a mission right now and I call the taxi company that I used and they say they can pick me up again just at the end of the street. I find the cars lined at a bay and hop in. I give the address for the studio and head straight there.

ARE YOU OK?

WHAT DID THEY SAY?

DID IT GO OK?

He has been txting on and off for 5 minutes, he must not be filming right now, how cute he’s worried for me. Good thing is that once I get there it shouldn't be long till his dinner break.

I get to the gate and the guys there are happy to see me and ask how it went, I tell them and say to keep it a secret. So I jog briskly off to the trailer where I dump my bag and stuff and with only my phone in my pocket I head over to the set.

I pass random people on the way there and now we all say hi as we pass I get to the building and the guys outside tell me they are filming inside and he’s there. I thank them and head in.

I find the set they are using by following the lights over head, in the massive soundstage you can see the lighting area that is active by the glow of the massive overhead lights. They must be setting it up as they turn these off when filming to loose the bad effect it would have on lighting the set or characters. I home in on the location and sure enough he is filming when I get there but I stay well back in the dark, I can see him but no one has or can see me. I would never want to distract him, not here not like this.

I watch him play out the scene, with Dig and then Felicity. They kiss a couple of times and I think I notice and yet I am too wrapped up in all the stuff going on in my head to be jealous. Plus i now feel like others get the practice and I get the floor show for real, or at least I might.

Set buzzes, the break for dinner is on and I emerge from the dark as he sees me he quickens over to me in total concern.

“What happened?! What did they say? Are you OK?!”

I try to look sombre, even tease the moment that I might not be happy but the smile cracks through.

“You got the job!?” he realises

“Yes.”

He burst out and grabs me in to a hug that swings me round like a carousel I am giddy and elated and in his arms. How can this day get any better?

“I told you they would love you.”

Emily and David come over having heard the giggling commotion.

“There is too much happening over here for the news to be bad.” David booms.

“Looks like I'm going to be around town for a little bit longer than usual.”

“Oh you got the job then?!” Emily’s voice has raised an octave, as if in a girl call to arms I respond in the same pitch while in a completely girly hug and I realise we have begun gushing and talking too fast and talking about so many random things. The guys are just looking at us.

We separate from the group with Emily and I in front still talking and the guys walking behind us. David and Emily head to their trailers and he and I head to his.
Once inside he grabs me from behind and holds my wrists across my chest.

“That was so mean, I thought it had gone badly today I was so worried you were upset somewhere.”

I'm laughing and anyone would think to struggle out of this grip but I don’t I love it, the feel of him enclosed around me and the complete safety and little bit of anticipation as he has my arms stuck. I don’t mind being stuck here.

“Sorry, you got me the other day and I so very rarely have anything I can do it with also I am rubbish at it.”

“You certainly gave it a good shot today though!” he laughs gently.

Releasing me I turn to face him. It’s a nice normal relaxed hold and he smiling and so am I.

“You need to get something to eat the now? We should go over to the van.” He’s been filming so he’s burning energy all the time, especially with the action and the workouts etc.

“uh, yeah I should grab something the now. We can have that desert you promised tonight.”

He dons his hoodie leaving his other bits over the sofa and we wander over to the van with me filling him in about how the meeting had gone and all about Matt and Neal. So by the time we get to the van I haven’t noticed that we are holding hands and I am still talking with my right hand waving around doing that Pictionary story telling thing I do when I describe things. As if it will be clearer if I try to show what I'm talking about with my hand.

We meet folks at the van and he is chatting away to them those I know I am talking to and those I don’t he quickly introduces me. Its friendly and very invigorating, the atmosphere seems charged with positivity.

We head back to the trailer with some food and once there just lounge on the sofa and he has a bluejays game on the recorder he puts on while I am still trying to figure out what on earth they are doing hitting the ball and running away. He shouts randomly at the screen and I think I can remember roughly who some of the guys are, I know he loves Donaldson at least I can recognise his shirt.

We drink share and he pinches some of my food, I actually pinch a bit of his as there are raw peppers in it I love them. The whole thing is lovely.

Then we clear the food rubbish and he has about 5 minutes and will have to head back to the set.

“The car is arranged to take you to the house, he’ll meet you at the gate. I won’t be too late. I’ll txt when I finish here.”

“Perfect, looking forward to it already. I could have got a taxi or something I can’t use your car service while I'm here everyday. Actually I will need to see about finishing those driving lessons so I can get a car of my own.”

“Until then, you go in the car. That way I know you will get home safely.”

“I'm accident prone and unlucky but I think I can navigate without loosing limbs or causing a major incident.”

“Okay, see you later. Here’s my keys. Code is on the tab.”

“That’s not terribly secure.”

“I know, but it works folks think it’s a keepsake.”

“See you later, bye.”

“bye.”

With a quick peck on the cheek and a smile he heads back to work. I gather my bag and stuff and make sure the trailer is cleaned up. I leave a little note at his hoodie so he will see it when he gets back to the trailer later.

I get to the gate and sure enough the black car is there and our friend who does the morning run is waiting talking to the guards at the gate. They are all so nice to me and they couldn't be more helpful.

I get in the car and it doesn't take long to get to the house and after thanking his friendly driver I head into the house. I flick the lights on and then head up to the bedroom, I have stayed in the guest room before but I head into the master suite. I take off the stuff I have had on today and hop into the shower its hot and so good and I get my hair washed and everything. I spend ages in the bathroom I know something might not happen but I am getting nervous it might so I worry that it all needs to be perfect.

Once out I realise he doesn't have a hair dryer as he doesn't really have the hair for it. But I have tongs and I get the hair shaped a little and mostly dry with that. I had a nice dress I had brought in case and its great to dress up or down fro day or night. It’s silk jersey and knee length black. The wide neck slides naturally off one shoulder and I have the perfect accessories as the waist has a small belt and its soft but classy. I put it on and I am doing the twirling thing in the mirror in the bedroom at the wardrobes. I have little black flats I slip on with it and then with just a little foundation, some black mascara and a touch of gloss I head down stairs.

I have a look in the fridge and the cupboards and find some things I think I can throw together into a yummy desert that hopefully he can break the rules for. I have it mostly made and its sitting in the fridge the other components laid out on the worktop and then I go to the living space and curl up with a little glass of the rose he thinks I will like and actually it’s not bad at all, I like it. I have my ipad and I'm going over things for this job and looking at the characters and thinking about clothes. Matt has sent me an email with some ideas and also some info for contacts with the rest of the main team which I log into my phone just in case I need to call anyone. I flick on the TV and catch up on news and find a show I quite like that’s showing re-runs so I settle to half watch it and plutter with the task at hand and sip on the rose.

It’s around 10pm when I get a txt.

JUST FINISHED ON SET, BE HOME SOON. S, XO

SEE YOU SOON, XX. I txt him back.

I get a little jump in my stomach like a box you realise has something in it that’s alive but then goes still again. I find candles and some matches and light them randomly around the room and I even go up and light some nice scented ones in the bedroom. The idea terrifies me and yet has me giddy with excitement as I turn off some of the lights now that the candles leave a pleasant glow in their place. The place looks almost mystical in the half light and I am sitting reading when I hear a noise that could be a car door. Then a few minutes later and the front door opens.

The butterflies in my stomach are on the move again, I think I might even be shaking a tiny bit. That’s ridiculous I tell myself to stop it and get a grip of this nonsense and try to calm it back down which isn’t really working. I stand as he comes in all smiles and soft faced and he walks over.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Chapter Text

He casually comes over and drops his bag by the side, as I reach him and he reaches out and scoops me into his arms and his hands caress my face and he holds it a second.

“Hi.”

Then he kisses me, soft and simply with a tenderness you would handling an ancient Chinese porcelain figure. Its not the overwhelming tsunami kiss or the tingling tendrils I experienced. No this time I feel like I did when I woke this morning, that fuzzy numb but happy feeling. The sensation of muffled bliss and all the meaning of intention behind it, he is sinceriously kissing me.

“Did you have a good shoot? Anything exciting happen?”

“It was good, got a lot of good stuff. I'm going to jump in the shower and change out of this, I spent the last couple of hours getting too warm in those leather pants.”

I laugh. “I’ll fix that desert and the wine, I think you might have cracked it with that latest rose.”

He nods quick kiss and we mutually separate to take on the tasks we have laid out.

I head to the kitchen and lift out the ice cream and set it aside, I get the tray I had made up with the two wide cappuccino cups and saucers. In the base I crumble the amaretto biscuits and then the washed cherries I put them on top. With a scoop of the hagan das vanilla ice cream on the top of the cup and then I make a mug of very strong coffee and pour it over the top, a few chocolate shavings on the top from the bar I had. Pour another glass of wine and I take the desert and the wine over to the coffee table and lay them out.

Once I have made sure everything is washed and tidied away in the kitchen I turn out the kitchen light. There is just a couple of soft small lights on in the living space and the rest of the light is coming from the candles I lit earlier. They look so pretty flickering giving the room a blush champagne shade of colour.

He appears just as I get back to the living room, all fresh and in his jeans and grey tee. He smalls good, even from all the way over here. I can’t imagine getting too close at this point as I think it could get dangerous.

“What did you make? I only really had some Ice Cream in the freezer?”

“I saw it one on a cooking thing, its an Italian desert and its fast and easy. I haven’t tried with amaretto biscuits but they do go with coffee. So I am experimenting on you, I won’t be offended if it hasn't worked.”

He comes over and we sit at the corner of the table where he pours the wine and then I take the spoon and try the desert. Its actually nice, I think I could tweak a few things or mix some components but it seemed to work. He takes a mouthful and then there is a pause.

“Wow.”

“Wow, good or wow bad? I think its OK but it could be messed with I think.”

“No need to change it, I had no idea. I didn't think there was anything you could make a desert out of let alone craft one like this. So many talents.”

“Patting my ego today is ABSOLUTELY OK. I'm awesome.” I laugh, its been too good a day I will bask in all the good things and compliments of the moment.

“That you certainly are.” He picks up the rose, and I do too. “Here’s to more days like today and…to us.”

“To us.”

We both sip the rose wine, its sweet taste and pink colour has rushed to my cheeks.

“I think this could be your wining rose. I like it.”

“Really? I thought I would never find one you like! I have to now find the right red and white so you have the full set.”

We talk, like we have since I met him. Goofy and sarcastic we give each other I good laugh and all while sipping the rose and eating the slowly melting ice cream and cherries. After about an hour I have kicked off my shoes and am sitting on the open end of the sofa with my feet curled out lounging against the sofa and he has slipped comfortably onto the floor beside me sitting with his back against the sofa his head at my knees. The laughter fills the room and then trickles to a soft giggle and then to quiet beaming smiles. His elbow raised onto the sofa edge is drawing on the back of my hand and skimming lightly up and down my forearm. A moment passes.

“Were you ever going to tell me how you felt?” He probes, there is a long delay.

“I…I…always planned to but never had the courage. I kept telling myself it was just me and my own fantasy, you were too popular and successful to think of me like that every job you got I was so happy for you and yet terrified that it would be the one where you would meet her.”

“Who?”

“The perfect woman, some stunning red carpet designer wearing sexbomb actress who you would call me and tell me you had fallen in love with. Then tell me you’d proposed even ask for help setting up the surprise and I would have done it all the time with the invisible dagger in my heart.” I pause. “Then the day would come and I would see you with a baby in your arms. Eventually the pain would have sealed into a scar, the black hole would have closed over and the part of me that was missing would have been able to get by like a veteran with a missing limb. Life would go on.”

“I think I thought you were never interested, never thought twice about just being my best friend that had I suggested the idea you would have laughed at me and I would have written it off as a joke but it would have broken me I think. I would function on the outside but the mechanisms on the inside would have twisted and eventually jammed up.”

“I could never have imagined I would ever mean that much, to anyone, to you.”

“You do. I loved you as my friend, but I love you so much more than I can tell you in words.”

I am without words now, I have lost the oxygen in the room and yet I am not panicking. I don’t know what to say or do, I want to reach out but all I manage is to squeeze his hand in mine.

He leans forward to me as do I and we kiss. Soft and simple kiss, then pull back and we are looking each other in the eye. He has a glow and look on his face that I can’t fathom. It’s like Christmas morning and winning an Oscar and having been given a puppy all rolled into one indescribable look.

He turns to me and while moving on his knees he kisses me again, this kiss becomes more intense after the gentle beginning. I have my left arm supporting me and my right is on his forearm, squeezing ever so slightly and the kiss leans me back into the comfort of the sofa and though his lips never leave mine I feel the equilibrium of the room shift and I realise I am laying down and rolling to my back as I feel his hands either side of me supporting his body so not to drop upon me. I can tell his knees are now pushing on the sofa cushion next to mine and once he is steady on of his hands is able to caress my neck and then wraps around the back to the base of my hair and hold me to him, holds me in the kiss.

I lean up to him and we have sort of tilted to the side where he can rest on the sofa and facing him I can roam my right hand up his arm to his neck and feel the movement in his throat. His left arm has moved to my waist and his right now still in the embrace of my neck I roll toward him and gently push him back till he is relaxed against the soft cushion of the sofa and I am able to take control a little as I take the kiss and sweeping my hair back to one side as not to drown him in it I can move the kiss to the side of his mouth to changing from his top lip to his bottom, to taking control with the tip of my tongue like the conductors tool in creating an orchestra of pleasure.

He seems to understand me, there is no awkward shift and no bumped heads or bitten lips it’s a perfect balance of push and pull. He moves in response and I to his gestures and guidance. I kiss his neck and he mine as we come back to our lips slow and softer now his left hand has gently grazed down my thigh and is scooped behind it hitching my thigh up over his leg.

He takes control again and I let him, I am moving back onto my heels as he rises and brings me up with him, he is sitting with me knelt in front of him and he takes my hands and holds me our foreheads touching. Breathless in a good way the words are in whisper.

“Come with me?”

“Yes.” Is my breathy response.

He takes my hand and leads me upstairs to the bedroom, to his bedroom.

Once in the room we bump back and forth like waves on a shore waiting for the larger tide to come in a dance of gentle swaying and soft kisses. Hands caressing shoulders, tickling the tiny hairs on arms and necks, occasional squeeze sign of the tidal wave coming.

He stands back his hands still on me and my hands over his and there is an imperceptible moment, a look, a question from him. This is it, he is asking me to go all the way to follow him and with only a seconds thought I can’t help but send back the response that I am already following him and ready to surrender. I am too far invested now to be thinking about all the other stuff that had me worried since the big revelation that he does love me and in the way I always wished.

He pulls off his tee and I help pull it away from him as i get to run my hands now over his bare chest and abdomen, feel the skin and the muscle underneath moving as we kiss I unbuckle the belt on the dress I am wearing and he then with us pressed together has a right hand on my thigh now hooks his hand under the hemline and his hand begins to rise slowly bringing the dress up with it. It gets to the right moment and we both move so he can pull the dress up and over my head I am nervous of this part even though I want him I am worried now he can see me, see almost all of me and my imperfections that its not enough. I don’t have long to be concerned as we move back together and his arms are all over and around and mine explore his upper arms and back and run down to his lower back where I am pulling him tighter and together closer to me. His hands unhook the back of my bra with ease, a clear sign that he has been with others and yet he knows this is big for me as I have been waiting for Mr Right before doing this, not because of religion or pressure but that I always wanted this to be something special with someone I cared so much about and what he can’t tell is how perfect this is.

The bra is tossed to the side and yet we are to intensely immersed in each other to now take note that we are skin to skin and topless together. We move backwards and I have reached between us to undo his jeans, I have apparently be taken over by some empowered sexual predator and know what to do and when.

Somewhere in my mind I know that his jeans have fallen to the floor and that there is only my own underwear between us now and yet I cannot think clearly of it, I am aware and yet not aware. Sensation is about to be all encompassing eradicating all thought and notion of rationality.

We reach the side of the bed and instinctually stop, we don’t look and we don’t topple over and in a fluid movement I sit and recline backwards as he kneels on the bed and like a panther stalks me as I glide up the bed his shoulders move like the big cats. Once on the bed comfortably he is right there and his kisses are now moving around my neck, down my shoulders and his hands are roaming across my stomach his hand lifts my jaw up so he can kiss my throat my hands are on his shoulders the thought of exposing my vulnerable neck to a wild big cat comes to image in my head full of danger but when answers with the tender kiss full of passion the excitation steps up a notch.

His hands glide higher and I am aware of the tantalising fondling of my chest has reached my senses and I realise that his right hand has cupped and is squeezing my left breast. I had never expected this to feel so amazing, I saw them every day they never felt special and never discerned much sensation from them but now the intimacy of his hands the heat of his fingers and then the kiss of soft lips, the growing tides of emotion and consciousness are rippling into rolling white topped waves within me.

Not just sexually but I can sense the tiny fractional touches and movement between us and although my sight, sound, touch, taste and hearing are locked into the bubble we have made I feel like I'm connected to everything to the ground and the sky the wind and the water the fire and stone of the earth itself. I'm alive, really alive. Tied to everything and nothing in the same moment with one other person who feels like the whole world to me.

He moves over to the other side and I have grabbed the pillow with my right fist in a reaction I could not have controlled or anticipated. Texture changes and the intensity have suddenly increased and I look down at him and realise that it is his tongue that has created this new distraction. I hitch my breath without thought and then blush at my own reaction he looks up at me and then smiles he comes back up and kisses me intensely.

I feel the weight of him on top of me I love it, like the trailer I want to dissolve into the mattress and let this take me to a deep place I don’t care if I come back from. His elbows hold his chest off the top of mine and my hands are running around his back and come around his waist and his waist is pressed against mine and I slowly wrap my legs around his, pulling my knees up I can feel him against my lower stomach. I am not alone in this moment.

I laugh at the thought and smile and he looks quizzical and then smiles in realisation at just how happy I am right now. It releases the tiny fears I have and is an outlet for the building pressure in my body. Like a sleeping volcano, the earth is already trembling.

“Laughter was not what I was expecting.”

“I can’t help it, it just came out.” I breathe, panting almost at this point.

Our voices sound so loud but then I realise we haven’t been talking so even though they are at whisper level they feel like they are booming at full volume.

“wow, I sound like I'm shouting.” I giggle again. He does in response.

“I love your laugh, its just too random.”

“Really? Random?”

“Yeah but changes all the time, my favourite is when you are laughing so hard you can’t talk all that comes out is high pitched squeaks and you can’t breathe. It’s infectious.”

I know exactly the laugh he means the laugh that takes over and I can’t get enough air but I just keep finding it funnier and funnier it can be nothing or something small that starts it and I get to the point of crying. Then I have to come back down and its like a hot air balloon the muscles and everything have gotten so high I have to blow out big breaths to come back down to earth only to realise I have sore ribs from the laugh itself. I don’t do it often but when I do it does usually end up sending those around me or witnessing it into the same fit of giggles.

“I will remember that.” We smile and through it kiss, laugh a little lip to lip and kiss again, getting quickly more intense.

I push up and roll and he rolls back at the same time until he is now laying on his back and I am sitting on my knees across his waist. My hair has separated and covers me up front and my underwear is still the only piece of clothing between us and its very evident at this point. I lean over sweeping my hair out of the way, and I kiss down the side of his jaw and neck, my hands on his chest and he rest his on my thighs rubbing the skin gently with his thumb.

I kiss the v at the base of his neck, along his collarbone and then back to the centre. The thrum of his elevated heartbeat throbs at my fingertips and as I kiss his chest making way down to reciprocate his own gesture to me he slowly closes and rolls his eyes back with his head turned to the side. As I move down I move my legs, knees further and further down until I am sitting on his thighs.

I am guided by his responses, and I kiss him and I notice the heat seems to radiate between us. My tongue is dancing and his hands have gripped my shoulders, he moans as I move across his chest. I think that sound made my skin shiver in a fizz of anticipation. With his breathing low and distracted I move a little lower down to his abdomen and kiss gently little tiny trail, and he lifts his head and looks down at me his eyes wide like a wild animal in the headlights and yet without fear just full of desire and what I can only describe as shock.

Without breaking eye contact my hands glide a little lower and lower and follow the muscles down when I think it could hurt him to sit over his knees so I gently bring my knees inside, between his legs.

There is no misconception of how much we are both enjoying this and I although have never had anyone to be intimate with I also have read and seen enough to not be a total novice. My hand knows where to go and like a vine wraps gently around him, he moves and I give the tiniest squeeze then release and ripple my fingers to the tip where the soft pad of my thumb circles and the hand wraps around under the head. He sucks in his breath, he tenses his stomach I can see the muscles move and his fists grab the sheet below. I like having this effect on him, I get now about the desire for control and a little of the way some like to be taken over. I look forward to him taking lead over me.

The muscle in my hand moves too, seems to swell in my grasp I match it to make sure I haven’t taken hold too tight.

I move down and blow cool air across the tip and he gasps and moans and he looks down at me in pleasant surprise.

“Wow.”

I smirk, I have adopted an evil dominatrix personality and I am relishing in his delight. I blow again while looking in his eyes and he can’t hold the look as his eyes roll his lids clamp shut and he grasps his hands into fists. What seems to be the desire of overwhelmingly intense sensation that makes you want to both run away and stay in the exact place to have it continue has driven him into a feral state.

I always thought I would shy away that I wouldn't be comfortable with anyone this intimately but I am enjoying it and more to the point I think I am making this enjoyable for him too.

I kiss the tip and again, gentle he raises onto his elbow to look at me and then I open my mouth just for the tip. He looks so intense and he shuts his eye tight for a moment still propped up on his elbows but trying to keep his lower half controlled.

My tongue bumps the tip, and then draws circles around it like a melting ice cream cone on a hot summer’s day and then ripples against it. My hand slips a little lower and my mouth down a little bit further. He sucks in his breath. Slow and tenderly I try to increase the pressure in my mouth as if drinking from a cartoon and to get the last bit you pull the air out as well. I don’t do it too hard just in case but the muscle is pulsating and he is clenching and releasing his thighs and I think his butt too. I suddenly think of his butt, in those green leather pants. I momentarily distracted maybe suck a bit too hard and he jumps and I instantly relax it. A little bit lower so my hand is at the base and my mouth is comfortably but almost full of the rest. My left hand reaches round to the family jewels so they say and caress and rub them softly I get that these are just as important.

He makes a loud noise, not scary but this is getting more and more tense I think and he is overwhelmed for the seconds I then think to move. I pull up, slowly and then take it back down then wait a moment and repeat and with this building on a very gradual incline the pauses get shorter and shorter. The movement gets a little faster and faster. He is pushing his hips up towards me and grabbing at thin air I get faster and grip a tiny bit tighter. I am surprised how fast I am now going and I am able to get almost all in to the base and back each time.

In a sudden sit up he grabs me and pulls me up and rolls over on top of me pinning me to the bed panting and grabs my arms and pins my wrists to the bed.

He is panting and has his eyes closed in what look like deep concentration. I think that got really close.

“Sorry.” I gasp

“Don’t be. My turn.” And a glint of danger flickers in his eyes.

He draws himself onto his knees, between my legs. He sits back on his heels, with me still laying flat on the bed his hands on my hips his fingers curl under the hem of my underwear. The palms of his hands against my hip bone and he slides them down my thighs and in a sweeping motion I pull my legs up and the slip off and are tossed to the room. He slides his hands back up my legs and then separates them with his fingers grazing lightly over the calves of my legs, the back of my knees and up my thighs.

He leans forward and at arms length lowers himself down to kiss me then the kiss leaves my mouth and trails around my neck, down my chest and I feel more and more of his weight as the lower he goes the closer to me he gets he’s on his elbows having kissed and cupped my chest and kisses around my belly button. But he doesn't stop, he kisses a little lower and his hands run over the front of my thighs and up over my hips and around to the side of my butt. He kisses a little lower and the weight over me is all but gone but I feel like the core of me has been set alight and a volatile furnace is slowly building inside.

His hands guide my legs to open and lay my knees out to the side, I have never felt so vulnerable and exposed but I trust him, I relax into the position I'm in.

His kiss reaches the base of my stomach and then I feel his hand on me as his thumb gently rubs over the button. Tiny pink button, but I feel it. Intense and shuddering I can feel that he does this pass a few times then a breath of cool but warm air and then something is on the button. Gently pushing it, sucking it, licking it. I have no concept of space or time my body has reduced all my functions to this one. Some ripples of different movement all rolling and manipulating it each change elicits a sensation I can’t place it’s all over but it’s centralised in my core.

Something else, two fingers I believe penetrate and then rub seeking out an even more sensitive spot. A few moments that feel like forever and they graze over a place that makes me involuntarily shudder. He knows he’s got me and I know he knows, I glance at him and he is smirking his head lifts up and with his right hand still in position his fingers rubbing his thumb teases the button, circling and inside circling then crossing, pressing and moving.

My back arches and I grab at the pillows above me, my breath hitches and I hold it then gasp for air. This will soon be too intense to stop so I reach down quickly and grab his hand and pull him up to me and his whole body comes up with him and he’s on top of me.

I am now breathless and he rests on-top of me. Not too much but both of us just taking a second. He sweeps my hair out of my face and caresses my face, we are saying nothing just looking at each other and breathing, heavily and full of anticipation and pleasure but just breathing.

He leans in and kisses me, then his right hand is drifting down my left side to my hip and then his right knee hitches up my leg and he reaches in between us.

There is a second of looking me in the eye, so clear and focused is this moment I hadn't understood what it would really feel like and only this connection is left this link with him. An inconspicuous agreement between us in a micro second and then I can feel him near me, then while looking right at me he pushes all the way in.

I arch back and open my hips wider which seems to let him push deeper. I am holding my breath and tensing all the muscles in my body and he brings both arms back up to be either side of him for support but it also feels like a comforting embrace like I am being protected completely. My heels hook around the back of his thighs my body is instinctively turning my pelvis as my spine pushes down into the mattress to get deeper.

He has started to pull back and then just as I think he might leave me he plunges back deeper and then the rhythm slowly begins the thrusts drive me upwards and seem to only make it deeper in the return back down, I wrap my arms around his shoulders and my hand is tickled as it runs over those tiny soft fuzzy hairs on his current haircut. I pull his head to me and kiss him, its intense and breathless and gasping and all the time the movement is getting rougher, faster.

The danger of a tsunami is in its underestimation, how some simple waves could overwhelm and drown those in its path. The massive wave is building the rocking, pounding creates ripples that grow into tidal roars more as there is no air but in gasps so the wave intensifies, the wave before me is 10 times bigger than me I fear it yet crave it to wash me away.

I hear noises, its both of us. I can’t help it and he seems lost to it as well the kiss is just us holding each other so close now that our foreheads touch and noses are side by side and every now and then we reach out to muffle the others moans with a desperate kiss.

That wave is right in front of me, the pounding, thrusting, rocking, penetrating, pulling and pushing is fuelling its size and I open my eyes and look at him as I feel his muscles start to tense and he flexes I feel him shudder as he pushes deeper than ever before and inside me a jet bursts and a pulse that explodes causes a chain reaction. I shudder too and oblivion beckons.

The wave comes down over me, the shock of having a gallon of ice water dropped over me the air is pulled forcibly from my chest as the wave breaks the glow of warm, tingling pulses of pleasure shoot through my body like lightning. The electrical explosion at my core is as if the bolt has actually torn through the sky and hit me in one central place and the waves keep coming, I clench and twist and grasp at him and he is still as a rock but holding on tightly holding me like an anchor to the earth. He’s all that’s keeping me grounded, I hold onto him for dear life and I grab a lungful of air as I shudder the shocks still flashing through my muscles and I start to feel my surroundings again.

The bed beneath me, his chest moving with mine and the sound of laboured breathing. The ringing in my ears dissipates and I can hear clearly now with my eyes opening as if for the first time in a long time the muted colours of the dim candlelight in the room the softness of everything around me.

Cocooned in warmth and a numbing fuzzy feeling now spreading throughout me I feel him relax against me, drained we both seem to sink a little into each other and the bed. The only movement is our lungs.

A few minutes or more have passed when he moves and I feel the emptiness as he is gone from me, I felt complete with him there. He rolls over to the side and lays on his back we lie there laid out and breathless for a moment then as little as I can I move to him, gravitate to his side into his open arm and his arm wraps around the back of me as I lay my head on his chest.

We can’t seem to speak, I want to but I can’t do anything, I burrow beside him my hand on his chest and his fingers of his left hand that is wrapped around me starts to innocently drift up and down my upper arm, stroking the tiny hairs in a reassuring and relaxing rhythm.

We start to drift off in this bliss covered calm in complete harmony with each other, I want this night to last forever, this evening to just keep going everything from before he walked in the door tonight seems like another time and different people a movie recording with actors playing us.

As I breathe slowly and now we are both back at normal deep and easy exhales and as my eyelids close I whisper out something that surprises even me but I cannot lift the drape of this tiredness enough to react or stop it.

“I love you.”

I feel as I succumb to the deep darkness of unconsciousness his finger stop and his breathing hitches, then I am lost to dreams.