Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Joshua knew he should be paying closer attention to the book spread out on the table in front of him. Yet, he was feeling good today, good enough to run right out into the sunlight that was shining in through the library window. He could almost smell the garden's flowers, feel the sun's warmth on his face, the grass between his fingers, the…

“Eyes on your work, my lord.” His tutor for that day tapped gently on the book full of dark text and not a single picture in sight. “I know a boy your age would rather be outside, but your studies will aid you when...”

His tutor kept talking as Joshua looked back to the book but was already tuning out the same words he had heard countless times before. It wasn't that he didn't know all that, but he also didn't know how learning the past lineages of Rosaria was supposed to help him lead anyone.

“I understand,” Joshua sighed instead. Putting up a fight never helped him; it only made them fetch his mother, who immediately put him back in his bed, and that was the last place he wanted to be when he didn't feel sick.

He got about one line into the page before he heard a muffled giggle from in front of him. Joshua didn't risk looking away from the book, at least not until his tutor got distracted with his quill and parchment again, but he did manage to glance up just enough to avoid getting caught.

It was Jill, not that Joshua needed to see her to know that; he'd know her laugh anywhere. She was sitting at a table that was supposedly far enough away to not distract him, but his tutor was new and didn't know that letting Jill and Clive sit together would usually end up like this. Joshua wasn’t going to say anything; if he couldn't have any fun, he would at least let his brother and Jill not be bored to absolute death.

Jill had her hand over her mouth, trying to stifle her laughter in the otherwise quiet library. Clive was sitting next to her, the chair pulled close enough so that their shoulders were almost touching. They were both looking down at their books in front of them, though. If it was anything like the book Joshua was reading, he couldn't even imagine what she found so funny. His unasked question was answered a moment later when Clive reached over to take a piece of parchment from Jill's open book.

He was already twirling a quill between his fingers before he started writing or drawing something on the parchment. Jill leaned over to watch him before she was trying not to laugh again, pushing at his shoulder in an effort to get him to stop, but Clive just grinned and kept going.

Joshua smiled as he looked down at his book. He knew there was plenty about this world he didn't know, that he had to learn before he could ever lead his people, but what he absolutely did know was his best friends.

Joshua had never known a day without his brother. He knew Clive's favorite foods and his favorite places to hide, when he was angry or when he was sad. Joshua knew the difference between when Clive smiled because it was the polite thing to do so Mother wouldn't reprimand him later and when he smiled because he was genuinely happy.

Jill came to live with them when Joshua was five, so he felt like he had never lived a day without Jill sometimes too. He knew her favorite flowers, her favorite dessert from the market, when she was homesick, and when she was scared. Joshua knew when she used her “lady voice,” as he usually called it, when she was uncomfortable, and when she was laughing, telling Clive to get off the kitchen counter to reach the cabinets that held the sweet candies used in baking before they were caught.

Clive's voice was a low mumble from across the room, and while it made Joshua glance up again, he couldn't hear what was being said. He only saw Jill and Clive leaning into each other, their shoulders touching as he said something to her. Jill looked like she was trying to pretend to be reading, but her eyes kept drifting to meet his, her teeth biting down on her lips like she was trying to hide the smile on her face. He, on the other hand, had completely given up even pretending to study as he spoke to Jill, watching her like he had forgotten there was anyone else in the room.

It always made Joshua happy to see his brother not feeling so weighed down by the burdens that shouldn’t have ever been placed on Clive's shoulders in the first place, but something about it also made Joshua's forehead furrow.

That had been happening a lot more lately. When he would go find them to say goodnight, they'd be sitting on the balcony that overlooked the gardens, with Torgal sleeping between them. While they weren't even sitting close enough to be touching, the way they would look at each other as they talked it would almost made Joshua feel like he was interrupting something. He'd feel embarrassed, like he needed to apologize and leave. When they'd notice he was there, it was like what he experienced faded into nothing because it was the same as it always was when he was with Clive and Jill, like being wrapped in a warm and comforting hug.

Still, Joshua had been trying to place what the feeling was since he first noticed it.

A snort of laughter echoed against the walls, causing him to look up quickly. Jill had both hands over her mouth now, and even Clive had to cover his mouth to mask his own laughter. Joshua found it impossible not to grin too. Jill would probably be embarrassed by what the maids would have tutted as very unladylike, but Joshua just knew it as Jill when Clive really made her laugh.

“My lord, my lady,” the tutor cleared his throat, making both Jill and Clive sit up straight, the inches suddenly growing between them again. “Is something the matter?”

“Not at all,” Jill said with a slight nod of her head.

“Allergies,” Clive supplied, though Jill didn't seem to think he was helping because Joshua saw the way Clive jerked slightly, the result of Jill probably nudging him from under the table. “It is a little dusty in here don't you think, Joshua?” Clive winked at him, and once again, that feeling of exclusion vanished.

“Oh yes, it is rather dusty, I think,” Joshua agreed quickly.

“Try to keep it down to a minimum regardless,” the tutor said.

That seemed to be that. Jill and Clive looking back to their books, and Joshua going back to the sentence he swore he read ten times by now. But, when he looked back up, they leaned back into each other, hands barely brushing on the table.

Joshua felt that same clench in his heart like he was missing something. He knew he wasn't being left out, but it still sort of felt the same way. Almost as if there was a path that he couldn't follow.

He tried to think back all the times he had been with Jill or Clive in the past few months. Did it start then? Or before then and he just never noticed? Sure, they did things on their own sometimes but Clive also spent time with just him, and Jill would do the same. They even convinced some of the maids to let Joshua come with them to the market the other week.

The maids had been hesitant at first, probably fearing his mother's wrath, but Clive assured them Joshua was in no better care than with him and Jill (and Torgal, who had been lapping kisses onto Joshua's face at the time). The maids relented, and Joshua happily took the hands of Clive and Jill to go have an actual adventure.

“That Clive Rosfield is growing up to be quite the charmer, ain't he?” Joshua heard one the maids chuckle as they were walking away.

“Maybe so,” the other maid said. “Won't really matter; you see how he looks at little miss Warrick. He clearly only has eyes for her, not that it might do much in...”

Joshua couldn't hear the rest of the sentence, though he looked up to Jill and Clive to see if they heard what was being said about them. Judging by their talking and laughter, it didn't seem so. Joshua almost asked, but the gossip was quickly put out of his mind when Torgal took off running.

Now though, Joshua remembered the moment as he watched Clive getting Jill's attention again by sliding a piece of parchment onto her book again.

Saying someone “only had eyes” for another was strange to Joshua at the time. Of course, Clive did; he was talking to Jill. Who else would he be looking at? However, watching Clive now, as he watched Jill read the note, Joshua thought he might have finally understood.

It was just that sometimes, Clive looked at Jill like she was the only person in the room. He didn't look at anyone else like that, not even Joshua. That didn't make him feel bad, though, not when he thought back on other gossip he overheard from the maids when they thought he was sleeping or not paying attention; talks about romance and attraction, talks about being in love.

“Oh,” Joshua said, realization dawning on him suddenly. Though that was apparently too loud because now Clive and Jill were looking at him, and probably his tutor too.

“Learn something interesting, my lord?” he asked.

“Actually, yes,” Joshua nodded, hoping he wasn't asked for a follow-up because he wasn't referring to anything he read in the book.

“Then would you mind sharing with us what you've been studying today, Joshua?”

He and everyone else in the library quickly stood up to their feet at the sound of his father's voice.

“Your Grace,” the tutor said, bowing low. “To what do we owe this visit?”

Joshua smiled as he watched his father walk over to their tables. He was also so busy it was nice to get to see him any time of the day.

“I just heard everyone was hard at their studies.” He sent a wink Clive's way as if he already knew that he hadn't touched his book at all, which made Joshua giggle. “And thought I would come by to see what the topic of the day was.”

Joshua felt his father's hands on his shoulders, signaling that he'd be the one to speak up. He panicked for a second, not remembering a single word of the book he was trying to read, but at least he remembered what it was about.

“Family lineage, Father, and how important it is.” Why, Joshua didn't know, but thankfully, that wasn't the question and he wasn't about to let it be either. “I know our family lineage,” he said, looking up to his father, who was smiling in that way that always made Joshua feel safe.

“Well, by all means then,” his father said, gesturing for Joshua to continue.

“You, Father, of course, and Mother,” he started. “Uncle Byron, who is your brother.”

“Yes, that's correct.”

“Then, Clive, my brother,” Joshua said as he watched Clive bow in an overly grandiose manner, making Jill giggle. “And Jill, my sister.”

The room almost seemed to go silent as her giggle quickly turned into a surprised gasp. Even Clive looked surprised for a minute before his face melted into something like pride or appreciation. Whatever it was, it made Joshua's chest swell up.

“Blood doesn't always make up a lineage, at least, I don't think it should. Jill cares for me like a big sister would, so she's my sister.” That wasn't something he learned in the book, and it wasn't something he learned from his mother, but he was pretty sure it was something he learned from his father, even if he didn't even realize it until now.

His father squeezed Joshua's shoulders before crouching down to be at eye level with him. “That's very wise of you to say, Joshua. I'm sure it means a lot to Jill for you to say that.”

“It does,” Jill said in a quiet tone, but one that he knew was because she was touched. It was the same tone she had when he and Clive surprised her with treats and gifts for her birthday last month.

Speaking of, Clive was looking at her again. This sort of soft look in his eyes, like he was keeping watch over something precious. It only solidified what Joshua had begun to suspect just moments ago.

“Well, Jill is to me,” Joshua felt like he needed to clarify, lest anyone get the wrong opinion. “But probably not to Clive.”

He seemed to jump at the sound of his name, eyes quickly meeting Joshua's. Clive didn't seem confused or upset, just surprised.

“What do you mean by that, Joshua?” his father asked.

When he looked at his father, he also didn't seem confused. In fact, he looked more amused, if anything. “Because Clive doesn't look at anyone like he looks at Jill.”

Clive made some sort of choking noise, probably because he wasn't expecting Joshua to say that. He didn't know why. As far as he could tell, Clive wasn't exactly hiding that, though now both him and Jill were looking at anywhere but each other.

Joshua was about to ask if he said something wrong, but his father merely laughed, reaching a hand up to squeeze Joshua's shoulder.

“I think that's enough studies and teasing your brother for one day. Why don't you rest in the gardens before lunch is served?”

Joshua's face lit up at the prospect of going outside. He immediately looked to Clive and Jill, but they were still acting...off.

“I'll escort you, Joshua,” Jill said, walking around from behind the table before holding her hand out to him.

He took it eagerly before waving goodbye to his father while Jill gave a curtsey. Joshua assumed Clive would just follow them, but even as they walked out into the hallway, Clive wasn't behind them. Joshua could hear his brother grumbling something and his father laughing in response, but they were quickly out of earshot.

Joshua was now really wondering if he said something wrong. A knot clenched in the pit of his stomach as he looked up to Jill and saw she was just staring straight ahead, her hand tight around his. He opened his mouth to apologize to her, but she spoke first.

“Did you mean what you said?” she asked, though she was still staring down the hallway. “About...about Clive.”

Joshua was confused again because how could she not know? Though, he supposed maybe it wasn't as easy to see if that's how Clive always acted around her. “Yes,” Joshua nodded. “I meant it.”

Jill didn't look at him, but this time, she smiled, and her eyes softened in a way that was really familiar.

Oh, Joshua thought to himself this time. He had been so focused on Clive that Joshua hadn't even noticed till now. He looked towards the hallway again as they made their way to the gardens, a wide grin pulling at his lips.

Jill looked at Clive in the exact same way he looked at her.

Chapter Text

Jill closed her eyes, hoping that would cause her to stop staring at her door and let her fall asleep. Her pillow was soft, her bed was warm, and she had a roof over her head. She knew these things, and yet, when she did close her eyes, all she saw was the cell she used to have to call her room. She’d need to open her eyes again just to remind where she was and where she wasn't. Which would lead back to the start of the vicious cycle of staring at her door. She sighed as she tossed herself on her back, hoping staring at the ceiling would be better. 

It wasn't; it never was.

Despite being built in the remains of an old airship, her room was nice. It was large, far larger than she had personal belongings to fit in. There was a view of the docks, so she could easily see who was coming and going. It was on the more residential side, meaning it was quiet past a certain time of night. She still had to repeat the same mantra. Her pillow was soft, her bed was warm, and she had a roof over her head.

Yet it never helped.

Jill sighed before she grabbed her blanket and kicked her legs over the side of the bed. The wood was cold on her bare feet, but it hardly bothered her. She draped the blanket over her shoulders and moved to the small balcony, hoping the ocean breeze would ease her mind into even a little bit of sleep.

It was a nice room, so nice that she insisted it go to someone else more deserving. She didn't mind sleeping in a room with multiple people, with mothers and children. None of the survivors from the Hideaway had separate rooms while they were trying to find a new place to survive. They would simply find a place big enough to house them all and do their best to get some sleep. It was never quiet nor comfortable, but Jill slept better there than she ever did in this room.

Of course, those situations also coincided with Clive sleeping only an arm's reach away.

Her fingers picked at some of the broken wood on the railing of the balcony. The ocean breeze was cool, but her face felt unbearably hot.

Jill knew why; she knew why since she was ten years old. It was realizing why she liked to watch Clive train, or why everything seemed so lonely when he wasn't with her, or why she slept so much better when the last thing she saw was his face. A silly crush for a little girl who thought the handsome young Lord Rosfield hung the stars in the sky just for her.

She only realized how stupid and childish it was when he and everything she had grown to love was ripped from her, leaving her with nothing but coldness in her heart for a world that seemed so cruel. While daydreams of the past and what could have been kept her from completely spiraling out of control, she never thought she'd remember what it felt like to be twelve years old and have the boy she cherished take her hand again. That was until he walked into the infirmary the day she woke up in the Hideaway.

When she was told Clive brought her there, she couldn't even comprehend what that meant. Clive, her Clive, was gone, and he was never coming back. Jill had to accept that long ago. Then he walked into the room. He was taller, scarred, and broader but his eyes, those eyes she'd know anywhere. For the first time in a decade, she felt like she was twelve years old again. She knew it would go away; it had to. Jill wasn't the same little girl, and he wasn't the same boy. They both went through their own hells to somehow, somehow find each other again. It could never be the same.

Fate seemed determined to prove her wrong, though. While many things weren't the same because they weren't teenagers anymore, the way Clive looked at her had never changed. The way her heart caught in her throat when his fingers brushed her cheek to check for wounds was the same. The way she could sleep peacefully for the first time in ages because he was laying right there next to her.

Until they built her a peaceful, quiet, and unbearably lonely room, far from the one person who cleared the fog in her head. Not that she expected anything else. Jill heard the whispers whenever they were side by side, the giggles, the teasing, but it wasn't...they weren't…

She huffed, annoyed with herself for being so selfish for wantingto go back to everyone sleeping cramped in a single room so that she could be near Clive day and night. She could say it was because she wanted to sleep, and while true, she knew it was more than that, so much more that she didn't have the words to describe this late at night.

Jill wrapped her blanket tighter around her body as she returned to her room. Enough of fanciful thoughts like she still was twelve. If she didn't get some rest, she'd be useless to the Hideaway tomorrow, and after the way they took her in, that was something she couldn't ever do.

She was about to throw herself into her bed, but the door caught her eye first. It was quiet, so quiet. Everyone, even those who spent late nights drinking, were probably passed out in their beds or elsewhere. Jill bit down on her lower lip.

He could be sleeping, and then she'd wake him up for no reason. Or he could still be awake like her, and maybe even just hearing his voice would make her feel better enough to fall asleep. Or he wouldn't wake up, and no harm done; she could just come back here. No one would probably notice, right?

Before she let her mind convince her she was being ridiculous or that what twenty-six-year-old woman needed to see someone they could just as easily when the sun came up, and what those implications meant, she opened her door and stepped out of her room. Her bare feet padded against the wooden walkway leading to the Hideaway's main hub. 

Cid, everyone determined, should have a room central to everything, both for his sake and the sake of those who needed him. Clive was also uncomfortable with the special treatment and told Jill as much. But he understood the need, and she told him the same, so he accepted the large room. He deserved the special treatment, truly, with how much he willingly took on to keep everyone safe, to keep Cid's name alive. 

That still didn't mean it was near impossible to go to his room without half the Hideaway noticing. A selfish thought in the grand scheme of things, but one that she couldn't help as she peered down two intersecting hallways to make sure no one was coming. She shifted the blanket on her shoulders, the cool breeze coming through the cracks of the Hideaway reminding her she was still in her night clothes. Jill was used to the cold; that was nothing new. It was the heat on her cheeks she had to get used to again.

Jill wasn’t doing anything wrong, and she wasn’t even particularly worried about someone seeing her in her night clothes, not even Clive. They had traveled long distances together, and some things couldn’t be helped. He’d seen her in less, and she had seen him in less. It was more so the implications people would think if they did see her standing outside of his door in the middle of the night in her sleep clothes because then she’d have to hear those implications. It's not like she didn’t already think about those implications, but that was in the privacy of her own daydreams and not being spoken about when she was standing right-

“Jill? That you?”

For being a skilled fighter with the power of an Eikon in her veins, the surprised squeak that fell from her lips was nothing short of humiliating. That’s what she got for wandering around, probably sleep deprived, lost in her stupid thoughts. Granted, Gav could probably sneak up on just about anyone with little to no effort.

Jill turned her head towards the hallway where Gav was walking towards her. He had his hands up like he was afraid she was about to pull a sword on him, but it was also paired with an amused smile. Half his face was still bandaged as she knew he was still recovering from the wound.

“Didn’t meanta scare ya,” he chuckled. “Just wonderin’ whats got ya outta bed this late.”

She shrugged, trying to ignore her nerves at being caught out, which was the one thing she wanted to avoid. “I imagine the same reason you’re not in the infirmary.”

Gav reached up to rub at his chin. “Aye, touché. Ya didn’t see me, and I didn’t see ya, fair‘s fair?”

Jill ran her fingers across her lips to indicate they were sealed; which she used to do when Clive would sneak Torgal into Joshua’s room when he was supposed to be on bed rest.

Gav must’ve understood the gesture because he gave her a salute before heading straight toward the bar. It was closed, but Jill had no doubts Gav knew how to get what he wanted regardless.

She checked the hallways again before stepping out into the central area. It was still quiet, only the waves lapping up against the old structure and her feet against the floorboards. They creaked under her weight, but she was too far away from the residential area to worry about. Jill could see Clive‘s door now, and while no light was coming through the cracks, she didn’t necessarily take that as a sign he was sleeping.

The steps up to his room were so loud that she winced, but if Gav could hear it, he didn’t come out to see. Jill kept walking until she was face to face with the old wood used as a door.

All she had to do was knock, that was why she came here after all. Of course, now that she was standing here, she felt utterly ridiculous. What was she supposed to say if he did answer the door? That she came all the way from her room to his in the middle of the night because she couldn’t sleep when he was so far away?

It wouldn’t have been the first time she did so, but they were children then. It was different.

Jill turned away, taking one step down the stairs. This was silly, she was being silly.

A memory flashed in her mind of a much younger Clive, blue eyes drooping from just being woken up but a kind smile on his lips while Jill stuttered out why she was knocking on his door so late. He waved her off before she could finish and held the door open. She didn’t remember what she said or even what he said, but what she did remember was sleeping back to back in his bed the first night of her time in Rosaria she didn’t have nightmares.

She lifted her chin slightly and turned back to face Clive’s door. What was so wrong about finding comfort in her best friend, the one she had thought she lost forever? Nothing, there was nothing wrong with that. Jill had almost forgotten the unique comfort Clive had on her. She spent so long with terrible nightmares that the night they spent in Lady Hanna’s barn, she woke up in a panic because she actually slept through the night. Clive had the ability to make her feel safe no matter what was going on around her. That was it, that was all, just a need for comfort. Maybe a little selfish, but not wrong and certainly not bad.

Jill raised her hand to knock, but it fell limply to her side as she bit back a groan.

Except it wasn’t just that, and she knew it. In fact, the whole Hideaway seemed to know it, which would only worsen if someone saw her here. No, this was a bad idea.

She turned again to the stairs, once again feeling ridiculous for the way she was acting.

“Oh, for fucks sake, lassy.”

For the second time that night, Jill felt completely caught off guard. She reached out for the wall to keep her balance as she looked down to the lower floor.

Charon stood there, arms crossed and one eyebrow arched so high it may’ve reached her hairline.

Jill didn’t know what to say or do because certainly a “hello” or “how are you” would not be acceptable from Charon’s gaze and tone. Jill opted to just keep her mouth shut instead.

“Just knock on the damn door,” Charon said. “I’m tryin’ ta get some inventory done while its actually quiet in the damn place, but ain’t doin’ shit if I lose count every time ya shuffle your feet. So stop bein’ a chicken and let the man know ya came to see ‘im.”

Jill winced. There was nothing that could make someone feel two feet tall quite like being called out so completely. “Sorry,” she offered, knowing it wouldn’t do much.

Sure enough, Charon’s gaze was unchanged. “He’s in there pacing around most nights. I reckon he gets as much sleep as you do, so do both yourselves a favor and do what ya came here to do.” Charon turned on her heel, probably returning to where she checked inventory. “Just don’t be loud about it.”

There was that heat rushing to her face again, but Charon was right…in a way. Plus Jill was certain if Charon heard her try to leave again, she would never hear the end of it.

She took a deep breath, turned back to Clive’s door, and held her hand up to knock. With a jolt, Jill realized if he was awake, he probably just heard all of that, but her hand was already softly knocking. Maybe he was actually sleeping; he didn’t have any candles going, and she didn’t hear any movement.

The door opened before she finished her third knock.

Clive was standing there in his own night clothes, hair disheveled like he had been in bed. However, his eyes were wide awake, and a dusting of red on his cheeks gave Jill the answer to her question.

She knew her face was probably still red, but she gave him a slight smile despite it. “I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“Ah, no.” He paused, realizing what that meant in his head. “I mean, yeah, yeah, but it’s okay. I hadn’t been, uh, sleeping very long.”

Jill bit down on her lip, trying to keep her smile from widening. Sure, it meant he heard Charon call Jill out, but it was also so Clive that she couldn’t help but feel heat spread through her chest. He was always a terrible liar. “Is it okay if…?”

His eyes softened at her, and she was immediately brought back to her memory of standing in front of his door so long ago. Time had changed so much, and yet some things miraculously didn’t change.

He stepped aside so Jill could enter, closing the door behind her. Even though she had been in his room in the daylight, the moonlight made it look different. Maybe it was the shadows it cast, but it made it look even bigger.

Torgal’s paws padded right up to her from wherever he had been laying. Jill apparently didn’t respond fast enough because, with a whine, he was nudging his snout into her hand.

“Yes, hello, to you too, boy,” she said, reaching up to scratch behind his ears the way she knew he liked it.

“Couldn’t sleep?” he asked softly, in that tone some of the girls giggled to her once that he only uses when he talks to her.

Jill couldn’t quite handle how her heart skipped when she thought of that, so she tried not to. “It’s very quiet, and the room is…rather large.” When she turned around to face him, he was nodding, a look of understanding on his face. It was still a relief that she never needed to explain things to him. He just got it.

“It’s like that here, too,” he said, walking over to his desk to lean up against it. “Not always quiet, which is good for a distraction but not when I have to read the same line in a report five times in a row because Gav is drunk and yelling nonsense.”

Jill couldn’t help a small laugh, and Clive seemed to notice, a smile pulling at his lips. “Is that what you were doing then, staying up working even when myself and plenty of others have told you not to?”

“Would you believe me if I said no?”

It was funny the way she was so worried and nervous to approach his door, but now that she was here with him in front of her, she forgot why she was nervous in the first place. “I’d believe you, if I had believed you when you opened the door and you told me you were asleep.”

Clive winced as he reached up to rub a hand over his chin, though that small smile was still on his lips. “Walked right into that one, didn’t I?”

Jill hummed in response, her eyes watching Torgal as he wandered out to the balcony to lay down. “Clive?” she asked, choosing to keep staring out at the sky than turning to look at him again. She didn’t need to know he was listening to her. “Do you have nightmares still…like when we were children?”

He was quiet for a moment, but when she turned to him, Clive stood right behind her, placing a hand on her back. “You never need to ask that, Jill,” he said softly.

She didn’t know if he was referring to his own nightmares or the question she was leaving unasked, but she felt it answered both. Jill found herself leaning into him, the warmth that had surrounded him long before Ifrit show itself, reminding her just how tired she was.

“I think…” Clive started as she felt him brace his arm around her back. She felt him move his other arm under her knees, lifting her off the ground like she weighed nothing at all. “My lady should take a page out of her own advice book.”

Jill made a “tsk” noise at him, but she had nothing to follow it up with. She could only watch him as he carried her the short distance to his bed. He looked so much older from when they were kids, the weight on him as clear as the brand on his cheek, and yet he still was Clive. The world may have torn down so much of the innocent, carefree boy she grew up with, but it somehow never managed to tear down his compassionate soul, which made Clive who he was.

He carefully laid her down on the side of his bed where a crumpled blanket and a single pillow were. Clive hesitated momentarily, unsure if he should stay or lie down on the floor.

Jill hadn’t quite untangled her hanging from his shirt, and he seemed to get the message fairly quickly.

He laid down on his side, facing her, not back to back like they did when they were kids, aware that sharing the same bed could give the wrong impression but still wanting the comfort the other provided in the most vulnerable moments.

Jill still had her blanket tucked around her, shifting her head slightly so he could share the pillow with her. He inched closer, and she couldn’t hide a small smile at finally feeling like a weight was off her own shoulders, of how much his pillow smelt like him and how much that comforted her, made her feel surrounded by a little bubble of safety even when the whole world around them felt like it was falling apart.

“Better?” He asked, reaching over to brush some of her hair from her face. “Like when we were kids.”

Jill could still see the weight on his body, but his face and eyes were soft, happy in a way. “Different from then, but better, I think,” she said, her eyes feeling heavy under how warm the rest of her body felt.

She heard Clive chuckle, his hand pressed to her cheek before he let it fall to the space between them. He must’ve understood what she was trying to say because she could almost hear his smile when he said, “Me too.”

That was all they had, all they could have, and for right now, it was enough.

Jill opened her eyes when she felt his warm breath on her face. His eyes were already closed, and his breath was rhythmic as he fell asleep. She knew she wouldn’t last long either, but she reached out to grab a hold of his hand before slowing her eyes once more.

It hit her at that moment why no matter where in the domain she was, no matter what places she had to sleep in, no matter who was around, she could always find peace and comfort when Clive was there. Because where he was, that was home.  

Chapter Text

Clive usually didn’t like the days he went down to the training grounds and the Lord Commander Murdoch was out on assignment. There was only so much he could do on his own, and the others were either too easy on him solely because he was the archduke’s son or felt they were above sparring with a kid even if he was the archduke’s son. However, it was that or missing a day he could be preparing to take his role as his brother’s protector. It was too important to him to slack off.

Today was a little different though. Who was on the training grounds and who wasn’t didn’t matter that much to Clive. When he didn’t see the Lord Commander at the designated place and time of their daily training, Clive simply turned and headed back to the castle.

His training was important to him, but there was also something in the back of his mind for weeks now. There would be no better chance than now.

His first stop would usually be to go see if he could get Joshua, knowing he never liked to miss an adventure. However, the younger Rosfield woke up feeling sick this morning and maids and doctors all day. Unfortunately, there would be no way anyone could sneak him out today. Clive didn’t like leaving his brother behind, but he’d understand once he knew why (as well as when he was given a taste of the spoils from the trip).

Clive entered the door by the kitchens to get back inside as it led to stairs and hallways used less by those who would question what he was doing. Sure enough, the kitchen staff barely paid him any mind, and outside of almost running into a young maid carrying laundry, he made it back to the residential wing undetected.

Of course, he hadn’t thought about what to do after returning to the castle. He knew who he needed to find, but where she was right now…that Clive wasn’t certain of. He started down the hallway, trying to recall if Jill mentioned where she went at this time of the day. Sometimes she’d come down to watch him train, but other times, like today, she didn’t. He didn’t keep track of when all that much since he was usually distracted from the bit of disappointment he felt when he didn’t see her leaning against the gate.

His plan, which admittedly he was making up as he went, would be for nothing if he couldn’t find her. It was only a few weeks ago that winter started to break, giving way to the fresh breeze of spring. While Jill took to the winter months better than the rest of them, he knew she didn’t like being confined to the castle walls during that time. Clive had been trying to find a way to get her there since the snow melted and the flowers began to bloom. Besides, he was more than ready to get out from under the weight he felt from the walls that kept him from even a little sense of freedom.

It wasn’t impossible, but it was harder than when they were younger. Before Joshua was ill, the three of them could go anywhere they pleased. Since then, having him with them took a lot of convincing (or simply not telling anyone, though that often ended up with scoldings). Even just taking Jill somewhere ended up becoming an ordeal these days.

Her governess suddenly seemed convinced she couldn’t go anywhere with him without a chaperone, which Clive found ridiculous. Jill was his closest friend, he’d never let anything happen to her. She was safer with him than with anyone else.

He reached up to rub his chin, trying to think of where else he could look for her because, so far, this was a dead end. Clive was about to turn back the way he came when he heard a familiar voice that sent a jolt down his spine. He tried not to grin, but he’d know Jill’s polite “Yes, ma’am” anywhere.

Clive moved towards the door on the other side of the hallway. It was cracked open just enough for him to see Jill sitting in an armchair, her head bowed as she moved a needle and thread through the white fabric on her lap. He could also hear her governess droning on about something, probably whatever lesson Jill was being taught that day. He’d have to get Jill’s attention first without alerting her governess. Easier said than done, but he’d done it before.

He pursed his lips and gave a low whistle, one hopefully undetected by the woman talking or that she could brush it off as noise from outside.

The talking continued, but Jill looked up from her needlework. He was just about to mentally cheer when she looked out the window opposite where he was standing. Okay, close but not quite there. 

He whistled again, hoping two times in a row wouldn’t make her governess too suspicious.

Jill turned her head just enough for her eyes to meet his. He didn’t even try to hide his smile as he watched her face light up. Clive nodded his head away from the door, trying to convey why he was there.

She furrowed her forehead, probably confused at why he was standing there during the time of day he was usually training. He pointed to her and then to himself before tilting his head away from the door.

This time, her eyebrows arched upwards, and he could almost hear her saying, “Now, Clive? Really?” To further her point, she glanced toward the front of the room where her governess was still droning on before looking back at him.

He shrugged, trying to ignore that she was right; he had no plan to get her out of this. Still, he couldn’t pass up this chance to do something for her. Plus, going down to the marketplace was his favorite place just to escape his world for a little bit. He knew they both could use it after the long winter of being confined inside.

Clive gestured to his mouth, hoping she got his message of “Just say anything.”

Jill’s eyes crinkled as she tried to hold back audible laughter. “What?” She mouthed to him.

Now he was trying not to laugh, though he wasn’t even sure why. He just knew Jill always made him feel like something wasn’t constantly weighing him down. He gestured both his hands to her in a way to say, “Anything.”

Her needlework lay abandoned in her lap as she gestured back to him, a mirth mixed with a challenge in her eyes that said, “Then you do it.”

Clive was going to shake his head, still trying to keep his own laughter at bay, when Jill suddenly looked towards the front of the room. Before Clive could even react, the door swung open, and he was facing Jill’s disgruntled governess, not for the first time and probably not for the last.

“Lord Rosfield, to what do we owe the pleasure of your presence?” She said completely out of social customs because nothing about her tone indicated she was pleased to see him.

“Oh, um, I was just coming to escort Lady Warrick,” Clive said, trying to sound confident instead of how he felt, which was completely and utterly caught red-handed.

Jill’s governess raised an eyebrow. “And just where would you need to escort her during her lessons?”

Clive’s eyes flickered over her shoulder to see Jill standing, her hands clasped in front of her chest and watching him with hopeful eyes. He swallowed hard before looking back to her governess. “I’m not sure myself, ma’am, just following orders.”

She looked like she didn’t believe a word of that. “Oh, and on whose orders are you acting, Lord Rosfield?”

In the back of his mind, he knew he shouldn’t blurt out the first name that came to his mind, but it was far too late. “The archduke, ma’am.”

The mention of his father hung heavy in the air as Jill’s governess tried to determine if it was worth the risk to assume Clive was lying. To which, of course, he was lying, and he absolutely would hear about it later, but he was willing to ignore that right now.

“Very well,” she said, not sounding pleased but stepping away from the doorway that Jill was already inching her way out of to stand next to Clive. “We will pick up where we left off tomorrow, my lady.”

“Yes, ma’am,” she said with a curtsy.

Knowing it could be moments before his lie was caught, he quickly started to walk down the hall with Jill trying to keep up. Neither said a word until they reached the stairwell, out of sight of her governess. It only took one look before they both erupted into a fit of laughter.

“Clive,” Jill hissed, swatting at his arm though there lacked any venom in her words or touch. “The archduke, really? You are going to be in so much trouble for that.”

He shrugged, finally able to control his laughter. “It was worth it.”

Jill was still smiling, but her eyes looked confused. “But for what?”

Clive knew he could tell her, but something in him wanted to show her instead. He held his hand out towards her, and she took it without hesitation. Something in his chest tightened for a moment as he wondered what he had ever done to earn the way she trusted him.

He brushed it off as quickly as it came, instead taking her out the back way he had come in. A few more servants and maids crossed their path, but aside from giggles and hushed whispers that Clive couldn’t hear, they stepped out into the gardens without incident.

Jill smiled widely as she started to walk into the garden, thinking that had been the destination. Clive, who still had her hand in his, tugged her in the opposite direction instead. She gave him another confused look but didn’t protest as she continued to follow his lead.

They hadn’t even reached the gate that led from the courtyard to the streets below when high-pitched barks chased after them. Torgal yipped in circles around their feet as if he knew what Clive was planning and was absolutely not going to be left behind.

Jill quickly scooped Torgal into her arms, his tongue already lapping at every inch of her face he could reach. “Hello, boy,” she laughed. “Yes, I missed you too.”

Clive reached over to scratch behind his ears, an apology for taking off suddenly from the training grounds where Torgal had probably been waiting for him earlier today.

“I’m not sure if you can come with us, though,” she said, turning towards Clive so both her and Torgal’s big eyes were watching him. “Clive won’t tell me where we’re going.”

He rolled his eyes as he started walking towards the gate again. “Torgal can come and see where we’re going first-hand.”

It was clear Jill was curious about his plans, but she skipped to catch up to him with Torgal tucked in safely in her arms, seemingly content with that answer for now.

They approached the large wooden gate that divided the castle from the rest of the town, but the doors didn’t open. That was strange. Usually, the guards would see them coming and just open it, provided it wasn’t the middle of the night or something.

“My lord, my lady,” one of the nearby guards greeted, but he was clearly uncomfortable about something. Though whether it was addressing them or because he wasn’t opening the gate, Clive wasn’t certain. “Might I inquire where you are headed today?”

Why was everyone suddenly so concerned about what he and Jill were doing? “Just escorting the lady on a walk,” Clive said politely. It wasn’t a lie, and certainly not the first time he did so.

The guard still looked uncomfortable, but while he hesitated momentarily, he reached to open the gate for them.

Making sure Jill followed close behind, Clive hurried through the opening doors, worried the guard would change his mind. He waited until the doors closed again before looking over to Jill. “What was that all about? If Joshua was with us, I understand, all the guards know to question if he’s allowed to be out, but they’ve never cared what we did.”

Jill still had Torgal in her arms, as he was licking at her chin while her eyes stared at the ground.

Clive felt like he suddenly was doused with cold water. She was so happy a moment ago and then… “Jill?” He asked, but she didn’t respond. He turned to place his hands on her shoulders, trying to get her to meet his eyes, but she wouldn’t, which is how he always knew something upset her. “Hey, what’s wrong? Did someone say something to you?”

Jill shook her head. “It’s us.”

She was speaking so softly that he almost didn’t hear her. “Us? What do you mean?”

Torgal whimpered and fidgeted between them, clearly reading the change in their moods.

Jill bit at her lip but turned to look up at him, and his heart sank into his stomach. He hated it when she looked so sad. It was hard to explain, even to himself. When Joshua was sad, Clive wanted to cheer him up, make him smile, and make him feel better. When Jill was sad, Clive wanted to fix it so it didn’t happen, so nothing made her feel bad again.

“We’re getting older,” she said with a shrug, but it was weak under his hands. “At least that’s what my governess said. She says eventually, it won’t be appropriate for us to be unchaperoned.”

Clive didn’t like that. In fact, he hated it. There were plenty of times he was with Jill and Joshua or the Lord Commander at the trading grounds, with Lady Hanna in the gardens, or with various other maids or servants. There were also times when they would sit out on the balcony long after they were supposed to be in bed and whisper their dreams and fears, or all the times Jill had knocked at his door when nightmares were too much.

He never thought…he didn’t consider…but Jill clearly did and was told as much. Then chose not to tell him, whether because she thought saying it aloud would make it more real or something else he didn’t know. Whatever it was and whatever it meant, all that could wait.

He squeezed her shoulders, making her look up at him again. “Guess next time we’ll just use a more discreet exit.”

That put a smile back on her face, which was good enough for him.

He dropped his hands from her shoulders, pointing towards the road behind her. “You’re going to want to head that way.”

Jill turned her head, the colored tops of the stalls visible in the near distance. This time, her face lit up. “Today? Really?”

Clive nodded, crossing his arms against his chest. 

Torgal squirmed in her arms, her excitement making him feel energized again.

Her cheeks started to look a little red as she looked at him, but he didn’t know why she’d be embarrassed about going to the market. “Thank you for remembering, Clive.”

He was about to shrug off her thanks. It wasn’t like it was a big deal; it was easy to remember what made her happy, but she gasped first, looking a little worried now.

“What about Joshua? He’ll be so sad he missed a trip to the market.”

“I know,” Clive sighed, even though, at the same time, it made him want to smile. He didn’t know if he could ever express how much it meant that she genuinely cared about Joshua’s happiness. “But he wasn’t feeling well this morning, so I knew there was no way I’d be able to get him out too. We’ll just have to pick out something to take back for him.”

“That sounds-” Jill didn’t get a chance to finish her sentence because Torgal became impatient with them just standing there and jumped out of her arms. Without a glance back, he took off for the market.

Clive spared her one look before they both started running after the puppy, laughter never sounding so unabashed and wild.

Really, that was why he liked coming to the marketplace; it just felt free. He felt it when he skidded to a stop next to Jill in front of the first aisle, Torgal sitting patiently for them. It was astounding how one place so close to his home made him feel like he was brought into a whole new world. It was always so loud, voices calling out what they had for sale, more voices responding with what they'd pay. It smelt like fresh bread, fish, and vegetables, which made him instantly regret not eating anything since breakfast.

He didn't have too much time to contemplate it as Jill grabbed onto his sleeve to drag him down one side of the aisle, Torgal padding along under their feet.

People were coming and going, never paying mind to the two kids as they looked over the bright colors of fresh vegetables or how soft the freshly baked bread was. That's what Clive liked the most about it; no one noticed them. Realistically, he was sure anyone here knew who they were by sight, but they were never treated any differently for it.

When Joshua was with them, older women fawned over him just because he was a cute kid, not because they understood what his role dictated of him. Joshua probably could have gone without the attention, but he loved the candies they would slip to him.

With Jill, she simply got to wander the shops at her leisure. She let her fingers trail over the fabrics she loved to look at, get some sort of fresh sweet treat from the baker, and smell all the flowers the sellers brought in that day.

Jill loved flowers; she would tell him all about the flowers she grew up with, how they were sturdy and determined enough to bloom even in the coldest climates. He told her once he thought that sounded a lot like her. At the time, she went so quiet he thought she fell asleep, but when he looked over, she was just watching him; a soft expression on her face made his breath catch in his throat like it hadn’t before.

Here, Jill could smile and laugh freely without worrying about being critiqued. She could be herself, which was the Jill Clive liked the best.

For himself, he could pretend, even a little bit, that this was his life. A life where he and Joshua didn’t live in the castle, with duties and burdens put on them from the moment they were born. Instead, they were born in town and lived in a small house, just enough for them. Their father, who didn’t need to be away taking care of a country, was there to help teach Torgal tricks and take them fishing by the stream. Their mother, who didn’t care about which one of them was the heir, was there to sing them lullabies at night and make cakes on their birthdays.

“So,” Jill said, slowing her pace so she was walking next to him. “What should we get Joshua?”

Jill lived just down the street with her family, always close enough for Clive to still see her every day. They’d be free to swim in the lakes or run around in the meadows; Clive would teach Joshua how to catch frogs while Jill made them garlands of flowers, and Torgal barked at the birds, making them fly up into the sky. Of course, they could go to the market any time they wanted.

Clive tapped his finger against his chin in thought as he started to walk again, but he had already come up with the answer. “A pie.”

Jill laughed, covering her mouth out of habit. “An entire pie, Clive?”

“A whole entire pie, yes.”

“I don’t know if Joshua could eat a whole pie alone.” She had an amused look on her face like she was trying to imagine Joshua devouring a pie.

Torgal barked around their feet, probably trying to catch a fly or some other sort of bug.

“Well,” Clive said, leaning into her a little bit. “Good thing he has us to help him.”

Jill looked away from him quickly, and for a moment, he thought he did something wrong. The feeling faded when he saw her still smiling, her face a little red from the sunlight. “I think I like that plan,” she said, nodding toward him.

“I thought you’d agree,” he said. There was no worry about being caught carrying a pie to his brother’s room. They wouldn’t have to sneak in and hope no one came in while all three of them shared it. They could just enjoy the dessert together; the only worry on their mind was what to do when they were out of pie.

The smell of smoked meat and sweet pastries mixed in a way that made Clive’s stomach growl so loud Jill started to laugh.

“Are you sure you won’t eat the pie by yourself?” she giggled.

He couldn’t help a smile, not here where they weren’t Lord Rosfield and Lady Warrick. They were just Clive and Jill, and that’s all they had to be. “You and Joshua will have to be fast to make sure I don’t.”

She opened her mouth to say something, but she never actually got to because she watched, as Clive did, Torgal taking off toward the nearest piece of meat he could find.

Clive met Jill’s eyes before they dissolved into a fit of laughter, calling for Torgal while they ran after him (and before he could grab any of the food off a market stall).

Clive knew the made-up world he created around the market was just that. He and Jill would have to return to the castle walls to sneak the pie up to Joshua’s room, to deal with people trying to put restraints on his friendship with Jill just because they were getting older, with his brother's illness, and with the reminder of everything Clive wasn’t and would never be.

But, with the vibrant atmosphere of the market still bustling all around and Jill running alongside him, trying to call for Torgal between her laughter. It was happiness enough for Clive to shut his mind off and pretend…just for a little longer.

Chapter Text

I. 13 Years Old

The crying was a constant echo rising up from the dingy dungeons of the hold. Some of the other handmaidens would try to convince and scare the girls in training that it was a haunted spirit who roamed the lower hallways. One sharp glance from Marleigh usually cut that nonsense out.

A haunted spirit, no doubt, but not one of a ghost. To Marleigh, it was something much worse: it was just a little girl.

Marleigh hadn't seen her at all, not when they kept her under guarded lock and key every hour of the day. However, all the handmaiden’s living quarters were just above the dungeon, so Marleigh had managed to work out a schedule. The girl was there most days, never leaving based on the soft sobs and sniffles that were impossible to ignore. The screams came when she was forced out of her cell, and the crying returned when she came back.

Rumors spread about why the girl was here and what she was used for. Marleigh didn't pay them much heed. Not because she didn't believe them, but because she had seen enough horror here to believe them without question.

She wasn't even completely sure why it bothered her so much. Maybe it was because based on the description from those who had caught a glimpse of her, if Marleigh lived a different life, she could've had a daughter who was the same age. Maybe it was because Marleigh lost her own fight so long ago she didn't want to see yet another child broken by this place.

Whatever it was, she found herself carrying a tray of bread and bland soup down to the dungeons. She didn't even know if or what they were feeding the girl since none of the kitchen's handmaidens ever reported bringing her food. If they were keeping her alive for any reason, the child needed to eat, and Marleigh saw it as a way in. To do what? She didn't have any idea, but she had to do something.

It had started to keep her up at night. Whose comfort did the child cry for? The family she was taken from? Did they cry for the child they were missing? Or were her tears mourning those who loved her but are no more? The answers really didn’t matter. All that mattered was how lonely and heartbroken the girl's crying was, and Marleigh couldn't take it anymore.

Two guards were standing in front of the wooden door. They straightened up when they saw her approach but didn't move from the door.

“Sorry, mam,” one of the guards grunted. “No one is permitted inside.”

That was the reaction she expected. “I know,” she said firmly. “Not even to let the child eat. Don't try to deny it, there have been no requests for the kitchen to bring food to any prisoners.”

Marleigh assumed it was because they were giving her food from elsewhere. But when the guards exchanged a quick glance, she knew it was enough to plant a small seed of doubt.

One of the guards cleared his throat. “Orders are-”

“Orders are what? To let her wither away to nothing cause no one is feedin' her?”

This time there was no response.

“You're doin' your job, which I respect, but what do you think is gonna happen if she dies of hunger on your watch?” Bold words, Marleigh knew, but she figured the fear of the implication was enough to give her a little time.

She stood in silence, waiting for the guards to make up their minds, and only then did she notice the girl's crying had subsided to mere sniffling.

“You have five minutes, mam,” the guard said, turning to unlock the wooden door.

Marleigh slipped in as soon as possible, not wanting to risk missing her chance. The door closed behind her and suddenly was much darker than in the hallway. It took her eyes a moment to adjust to the only light being the rays of moonlight streaming in from the open but barred window.

She blinked towards the bed, where two wide eyes watched her fearfully. The girl was even smaller than Marleigh imagined, or it could've been an effect of the large blanket she had bundled around her. Her hair pooled around her shoulders, almost the color of moonlight itself, even if it was a little tangled and unkempt. She scooted herself away so her back was as close to the wall as possible.

“No reason to be afraid, child,” Marleigh said, stepping towards the bed. The floor crunched in an unusual way, causing her to glance down and see it was covered in what looked like frost. Unusual for a fortress that was near flowing lava, but she didn't have the time to wonder how it got there.

Instead, she held up the tray of soup. “Hungry? I thought you might be.”

The girl still said nothing but didn't look quite as afraid. She must have been starving.

“My name is Marleigh, I work in the kitchens. May I sit with you?”

There was still silence, but after some consideration, the girl nodded.

“Here,” Marleigh said as she sat down on the bed, passing over the small loaf of bread. “Baked it myself.”

Small hands reached out from under the blanket to take the bread.

“What's your name, child? Do you mind telling me?”

The girl started to pick small pieces of the bread, placing them carefully in her mouth. “Jill,” the girl answered in a voice so soft Marleigh thought she was hearing things.

“Well, Jill, it's nice to meet you,” she said with a smile.

Jill continued picking off small parts of the bread but seemed less frightened. “It's nice to meet you too, Lady Marleigh.”

Marleigh almost laughed aloud at anyone calling her a lady, but Jill sounded so sincere about it, and Marleigh didn't want to offend. Instead, she gave another smile. “Look at that, you’ve got some manners to boot. Better than most around here, my lady.”

She said it just to make the girl more at ease since it was the language she was clearly used to, but it had the opposite effect. Jill’s eyes filled with tears, rolling down her cheeks as she tried to hold back her cries while she ate.

“I’m so sorry, child,” Marleigh said, quickly reaching for a handkerchief from her pocket. “I didn’t mean to make you cry.” She leaned in to wipe some of Jill’s tears away.

“No, it’s…it’s okay,” Jill hiccuped softly, closing her eyes and leaning into the touch slightly; Marleigh didn’t even want to think how long the girl had gone without any simple compassion. “I just miss my home.”

“Where is home?”

Jill opened her eyes, and while she stopped crying, the sadness in them was far too much for one so young. “Rosalith…it’s gone now. I can’t go back.”

Marleigh wondered if a place could truly be gone, but she quickly understood it wasn’t the place that was gone. “Your family?”

“They…they told me everyone was gone. Joshua, Torgal, the archduke, and…and…” Jill rubbed the back of her hand against her eye while the other drifted over to the window, the moon. “Clive.”

It was then Marleigh realized who Jill was crying for. The people she loved who couldn’t save her from this nightmare.

“Times almost up, mam,” a guard called as he knocked at the door.

That didn’t seem like five minutes, but she knew she’d be pushing her luck if she tried for more. “How about you finish this soup I brought,” Marleigh said as she stood up. “And tomorrow, I’ll bring you some more as well as a brush, then you can tell me all about them while we work out some of those knots on your pretty head, okay?”

Jill looked like she didn’t know whether to believe or not, which Marleigh could not fault her for, but nodded regardless.

Marleigh stepped back out into the hallway, straightening her skirts before turning on the guards. “I will be back tomorrow with food and care for her hygiene because if you don’t keep treating her like a rat, she will wither away within the year, and whatever it is you lot need her for will be for not, am I making myself clear?”

The guards looked just as nervous as they had before, but neither argued with her. Marleigh walked back up to the kitchen with a determination she hadn’t felt in a very long time.

II. 17 Years Old

Flour rose from the mixing bowl in a cloud, causing Jill to cough from inside the dust while some of the other handmaidens laughed from their various stations in the kitchen.

“That’s why you don’t pour it in from the sack,” Marleigh said with a laugh, using her hand to dispel some of the excess flour from the air.

“But-” Jill paused to choke out another cough. “Scooping it takes so long.”

When Marleigh could see the girl again, she had a sort of pout on her lips, her silver hair, face, and bits of her clothes covered in a thin layer of white. “And how many times do I have to remind you, Jill, patience is essential in baking.”

Jill sighed but put the flour bag down so she could empty what did make it into the bowl back and start over.

Marleigh chuckled as she went back to kneading her own loaf of bread. “You’re tryin’ to tell me you never had any baking lessons in that fancy castle of yours?”

“I’d hope I’d be better at it if I had,” she said, a small smile twitching on her lips.

Jill had at least gotten to a point where talking about her life before the Iron Kingdom didn’t cause immediate tears. Marleigh always hoped she could help with that, encouraging the girl to tell stories and remember the people she loved so she wouldn’t forget their faces or what their voices sounded like.

“Storytelling is how you keep them alive,” Marleigh once told her, and Jill always seemed to like that sentiment.

“I didn’t spend too much time in the kitchens,” Jill continued, scooping the flour into the bowl this time. “Usually, it was when no one else was there, and Clive was trying to steal us a treat before someone noticed us.”

Marleigh couldn’t help but smile; there it was, Jill’s favorite stories to tell. Oh sure, Marleigh had heard about Joshua, the sweet little one, and Torgal, the puppy, but she had heard the most about Clive.

“Uh-huh.” Marleigh tried not to give too much of a knowing smile, but it was difficult. It was just nice to get to see the rare moments when Jill could act like a normal girl who would be coming of age and not…what she was subjected to here. “And what sorta treats would he manage to steal?”

“Oh, whatever he could find,” Jill continued, seemingly oblivious that some of the other handmaidens had begun to exchange their own amused looks. “Joshua liked anything incredibly sweet, like custard tarts or sugar-covered fruits, which sometimes was too much for me. Clive would usually find me some slices of pie or freshly baked cookies.”

“He sounds like a charmah,” one of the handmaidens nearby giggled.

“Yeah, why don’t you tell us what your Clive looked like?” Another chimed in.

Jill suddenly looked flustered, a blush creeping up her neck as she was much more intent on what ingredients were going in the bowl.

Marleigh wasn’t sure if it was because Jill hadn’t realized others were listening in or if it was because of the insinuation of her childhood crush belonging to her. “Well, go on,” Marleigh said. “That’s something you certainly don’t want to forget.”

“Clive, he…” Jill started, but she was looking down at her hands.

Marleigh had learned to read Jill in a way that others didn’t seem to pick up on. “The Ice Queen,” some liked to call her behind her back, especially when they learned what she was being used for. Marleigh, however, could tell when Jill just needed encouragement to allow her to speak and when the subject needed to be dropped because it was too much.

“He had dark hair, yeah?” Marleigh gently offered.

Jill looked up. She had a sad sort of smile on her lips, one that graced her face far too often, as she nodded. “Blue eyes, almost like the sky. He was always taller than me, even when we were younger.” She raised a hand above her head, trying to approximate how much taller he had been.

“His…his smile was always kind or, um, comforting, like…” Jill paused, reaching up to fuss with one of her braids. “Nothing bad was going to happen while he was there but other times, it was impish, almost like you were probably going to get in trouble, but he’d make you smile before the end of it.”

“See, I knew it, a charmah,” the handmaiden said, pointing a spoon toward Jill. “You musta been a lucky girl.”

Jill smiled politely but looked back down to the bowl, finishing adding the ingredients in silence.

A lucky girl, Marleigh repeated in her head. She wished hopelessly that maybe, just maybe, a little bit of luck would return to Jill one day.

III. 24 Years Old

Marleigh carefully rubbed salve on the gash running up Jill’s leg. It wasn’t the worst Marleigh had seen, but it was one of the more careless ones. If she hadn’t noticed the blood seeping through Jill’s sleepwear, she would have just left it as is.

“You’re getting more of these lately,” Marleigh said, glancing up at Jill.

On the other hand, Jill had her head leaning against the wall, completely unfazed as she stared out the barred window to the moon.

“I know it’s not your choice, believe me, but you still have to take care of yourself.” Marleigh lathered more of the salve along the wound. “I don’t think any infection has set in, but it very well could’ve if I didn’t force myself in here to take care of it.”

Still no response.

“Jill,” Marleigh sighed. “Jill, are you even listening to me?”

“Some nights, I dream of what my life would have been if they were still with me,” Jill murmured, eyes unwavering from the night sky.

Marleigh grabbed a roll of bandages, carefully beginning to wrap the wound. No, Jill wasn’t listening, but Marleigh couldn’t find it in her heart to fault the girl either.

“Joshua would be the archduke by now,” Jill continued. “And as nervous as he was to lead, he’d be a wonderful leader. He was so genuine in his desire to do right by everyone and to treat everyone fairly…the people, they’d adore him like I did.”

Marleigh kept a tight wrap on the bandages, but when she looked up again, Jill had her eyes closed, a single tear rolling down her cheek. It had been a decade since Marleigh sat with the much smaller Jill in this very room, and yet, Jill looked like the same sad child at this moment.

“And Clive, brave and loyal Clive, would be his brother’s First Shield, a role he always took with great pride. His compassion for others makes him the perfect protector, even to a girl like me.” She sighed before looking back to the window. “In the North, arranged marriages aren’t as common. My parents married for love, and maybe if I had been given the chance, I could have too…maybe I could have had the chance to stay by his side. I’ll never know. No one will.”

Marleigh swallowed the lump in her throat as she tied up the bandage. Jill rarely spoke so freely about what she truly desired, yet it felt more like a deathbed confession than an open conversation. Still, Marleigh moved to sit on the bed without a word.

“I prayed to Metia that night,” Jill said though Marleigh wondered if she even recognized anyone sitting in the room with her. “To keep him safe and bring him home to me. My prayer was unheard, and yet, sometimes, I foolishly still find myself praying that if he’s out there to keep him safe, so by sunrise he’ll come for me just like he used to. Or if I am destined to walk this earth knowing what I’ve done, I would just be allowed to join them again.”

“That’s quite enough of that,” Marleigh said, standing up quickly when she found she could not keep her own heart from breaking. “And what do you think those boys would say to that? Hmm? I think they’d want someone they loved to value their life more than that.” It was weak and Marleigh knew it. Jill was trapped in a circle that only brought torment to her soul, yet Marleigh couldn’t bear the thought of waking up to find Jill wasn’t there.

Jill finally turned to meet her eyes, and the warm smile on her lips nearly made the tears in Marleigh’s eyes fall. “Thank you, my lady, for always being so kind to me. I don’t know what I would do without you.”

“And you won’t have to. Now get some rest so that wound of yours can heal.”

Marleigh waited until Jill laid down in bed before leaving. She carefully closed the door behind her, taking in a shaky breath as she shut her eyes. Marleigh knew there would be a day when she would wake up, and Jill was gone, but Marleigh prayed to whatever deity would listen that it was because Jill managed to save herself.

IV. 30 Years Old

No one would give Marleigh any answers when the soldiers returned without Jill in tow. She threatened, begged, and bribed, but no one would budge. In the end, Marleigh decided it was better this way. Sure, they wouldn’t tell her what happened, but they also didn’t tell her Jill had died. So Marleigh, despite missing the little girl with moonlight for hair, made herself content with the fact that Jill escaped the Iron Kingdom’s clutches and was finally able to find her peace.

Until that blasted girl walked right back into the kitchens. Marleigh had almost thought she was going senile when she saw a girl with Jill’s face trying to get her attention. It was Jill, though, even though she was in different clothing and looked healthier than she ever had here; those mannerisms and the kind tone to her voice…that was all Jill.

Marleigh was so flabbergasted with relief that she was okay and furious that she just walked back into the lion's den; the man and rather large dog walking alongside her barely made it on Marleigh’s register. It wasn't until she ushered them into a more secluded space that she was aware Jill wasn't alone.

However, it was when Jill turned to address the man that Marleigh actually looked at him. It was almost like a distant memory; a man with dark hair and blue eyes, just taller than Jill was, and despite the serious expression on his face, there was compassion in his eyes when he looked at her. Clive, Jill had called him.

At that, Marleigh could do nothing but stare. It couldn't be...could it? The same boy that Jill spoke of with such adoration and such heartbreak.

The angry shouts of the guards, clearly looking for the intruders, cut through the thick wooden door.

“Torgal,” he called quietly to the dog, who gave a low growl at the noise.

By the Mother, it had to be him. All this time, he was still alive, and by some miracle, Jill's lonely prayer had come true: they were reunited.

Marleigh quickly barred the door and ushered them to the back of the room, pushing open the double doors leading them to the destination Jill seemed hellbent on reaching.

It suddenly clicked as to how Jill went from the fragile broken girl who felt like she would shatter under Marleigh's hands to the woman before her with firm determination in her eyes. Jill had found her rock again, the person who supported her unconditionally, or he would never have come back here with her on what could be a suicide mission.

All too soon, and with words left ringing in Marleigh's ears that made her want to scoop that small child alone in a prison cell into her arms once more, Jill was gone again. While Marleigh felt fear for the girl she tried to care for like she would her own child, there was also relief this time. No matter what came to be here or what came to be after this time, Marleigh knew Jill was in good hands. She was in the right hands.

“I'll live. If you promise to do the same,” Marleigh whispered her prayer as she closed and barred the door behind them.

After all this time, she didn't believe in deities, gods, or religion, but clearly, words had power. She leaned her head back against the wooden door before pushing off to face the guards and do whatever she could to fulfill Jill's last words to her.

Though, as Marleigh considered it, maybe it wasn't words that held their prayers together. No, she began to understand it was more so a power in the love laced through the words.

Chapter Text

Clive didn’t understand what the problem was. Yeah, he would rather not wait around for the inevitable and take their move as soon as possible, but if Cid said they’d wait till nightfall, that’s the plan they’d follow. Clive had never been to Drake’s Head before, so he had to trust the experience of the only one of them who had (even if, in that experience, Cid admitted to being chased out by Bahamut himself). Clive didn’t see any use in being upset by it; that would only make time drag on even more.

He knew Jill also had to be aware of that fact, which led him to his confusion in the first place. Why was she upset? Even now, after Clive had taken a seat next to the table and Cid remained on the couch (that was oddly enough on a higher platform than the rest of the room), Jill refused to sit down. She insisted instead on either standing and shifting her weight around far too much to seem comfortable or pacing a small section of the room while trying to make it look like she wasn’t pacing around.

Clive tried not to watch her, not wanting to make her feel uncomfortable on top of whatever else she felt, but he was getting a little worried. He couldn’t help but keep an eye on her, even if just through the corner of his eyes.

Unlike when they were children, he couldn’t claim to know Jill completely. So much time had passed, and they both went through experiences that changed them from the innocent children they once were. He was only just getting to know Jill again; what alcohol she preferred, what she liked to talk about when they were passing time while traveling, her fighting style, and what he could do to get her to smile still.

He knew something was wrong simply because she behaved the same way as a kid when she was upset. She’d pretend like everything was okay, that she was okay, but her restless body language would tell him a different story. Back then, he could usually guess as to the source. Right now, he didn’t have a clue.

Clive wanted to ask her what it was because he found he didn’t like seeing her upset any more than he used to. However, he also didn’t feel comfortable putting her on the spot like that in a public place, even if that public was just Cid.

Some giggles and low whispers came in as if on cue through the doorway, which was just rows of beads, not even a real door. Okay, so a little more public than just them and Cid.

Jill paused in her pacing, but when Clive looked up at her, she was looking at the doorway, probably checking to make sure no one was about to come in.

“Jill,” Cid said, leaning back against the couch cushions. “We’re on an upper floor, all that pacing is going to wear a hole right through the damn thing.”

She snapped her head over to him but didn’t respond or move otherwise.

“Time’s just gonna drag on the more you drag on,” he shrugged. “Sit down, relax a little. I’m sure there’s some wine around here somewhere if you need that to remember how to breathe.”

Jill narrowed her eyes slightly. “Do you think wine would be wise before heading into a dangerous mission?” She didn’t sound mad, but clearly, she wasn’t asking a question.

Cid laughed, stretching an arm over the velvet cushions. “Oh, I’d never judge what someone needs to ease the nerves, especially in unfamiliar territory.” He gave her a wink, which Clive didn’t quite understand the humor in.

Jill must not have either because she quickly looked away.

Clive supposed he had a little more time to get used to Cid’s particular brand of humor, whereas Jill was probably just unfamiliar with him. However, she did just spend time traveling together with Cid while Clive was with Isabelle. 

Oh.

The pieces were starting to click into place now.

“Shall I have Clive go out to find you some? I guarantee they’ll give him anything he wants here.”

This time, Jill bristled, eyes trained firmly on the doorway. It didn’t seem to help because there was another giggle coming from outside though this one ended in a low moan.

Jill threw her hands to her sides with an exasperated huff. “No, it’s fine,” she said abruptly, marching to the table to grab the pitcher that was sitting there. “I’m just going to find some water.”

Clive shifted in his seat after her, trying to get the words out that he’d do it for her, but Jill was already almost out the door.

“Just be sure not to wander into the wrong room on the way back,” Cid called after her. However, he must’ve gotten a look at Clive’s narrowed eyes because he gave a seemingly innocent “What?” in response.

“What did you say to her?” It was the question Clive only recently thought to ask. Jill had been irritated since the moment they got to the brothel, and before that, she was traveling with Cid to get here. It wasn’t hard to assume Cid, who never cared if he was eloquent, could have said something to offend. Clive admittedly wouldn’t care if it had been anyone but Jill.

Instead of looking annoyed at the accusation, Cid instead laughed. “And what makes you think I said somethin’ to her, aye?”

“She’s been upset since we got here, and she was traveling with you before then,” Clive said.

“Uh-huh, while you were off spending quality time with The Dame.”

Clive felt a little taken back because between Cid’s cheeky grin and amused look, that in itself felt like an accusation of some sort. “I was helping her.”

“I’m aware, and your point being?” Cid leaned forward. “Listen here, I doubt Jill cares one way or another what I’ve said. I think if anyone was gonna make the lady upset, it’d be you.”

“Me? I…what?” Clive didn’t know how this conversation turned so quickly, but now he was just confused. “I haven’t done anything.”

Cid chuckled with a wide grin, pointing his finger at Clive. “And that’s just it, isn’t it?”

“I have no idea what you’re even going on about.”

“You’ve been to a brothel before, yeah?” Cid said as he stood up, stepping off the platform.

Clive opened his mouth but quickly shut it; he was pretty sure he didn’t want to answer that question.

As Cid slowly made his way over to where Clive was sitting, the distinct sound of a body being pushed up against the wall outside the room, followed by a round of gleeful giggles, filled the silence. It was easy for him to ignore the sights and sounds before. He spent years ignoring his surroundings to focus on survival; spending a few hours in a somewhat noisy brothel wasn’t a big deal.

However, with Cid’s eyebrows arched up and that same amused smile back on his lips, Clive was getting the impression all of this was more about where they were than what had happened prior to arriving.

“Regardless, I take it you’re aware of what goes on in an establishment such as this one?” Cid continued, tapping his fingers on the table.

Clive shifted in his seat a little. “Obviously,” he murmured.

“So imagine,” Cid continued as he leaned up against the table. “You have to stand around and waste time in a brothel of all places, the sights, the sounds…” he paused. “The smells. And all with the daft guy you fancy. That’s enough to put anyone in some sort of mood.”

“Wait, Cid,” Clive barely managed to get out without completely fumbling from the surprise at the turn this took and the heat crawling up his neck. “It’s not like that…me and Jill, it’s not…” It’s not what exactly? Is what Clive wanted to ask himself, and judging by the look on Cid’s face, he’d ask it too if Clive continued talking.

“Yes,” Cid continued. “I did travel with Jill to get here, and I said many things to her on the way as I wanted to better get to know the girl you were so ready to take my head for if it came to it. As it turns out, you and she have something in common, and, surprise,  it’s not subtlety.”

Clive swallowed the lump that was building up in his throat.

“She kept trying to beat around it, askin’ about Isabelle without askin’ about her sort of thing, trying to figure out if she should be jealous or if she was reasonable in being jealous.” Cid crossed his arms, looking back over to Clive. “Though if she had asked me directly, I could’ve told her the Isabelle I know would absolutely have dropped insinuations in your lap, but the Clive I know wouldn’t have even picked up on them because he’s as daft as you are, and only has eyes for one. I’m on the right path, aye?”

This was not the conversation Clive was expecting to have with Cid or with anyone for that matter. All he could do was feel helpless as he tried to find a way to explain, but he had nothing. It wasn’t the first time Cid or anyone at the Hideaway teased or came up with their own assumptions about Clive and Jill’s relationship. He usually didn’t acknowledge them only because it was easier than where he was stuck now: fumbling like he was fifteen and caught in a lie that he couldn’t spin to save his life.

Because ultimately, it was a lie. He knew how he felt from the moment he realized she was alive, and contrary to popular belief, he wasn’t blind. He knew the way Jill looked at him, he knew the way she looked at him in Lady Hanna’s barn under the moonlight. Still, he couldn’t…he wasn’t…

“Cid,” Clive tried again. “It’s really not…I don’t think she…”

Cid’s eyes glanced to the door before looking back, holding a finger up to his lips. He pushed himself off the table, walking towards the back of the room. “There she is, got back in one piece, I see.”

“It was just water,” Jill grumbled, clearly the walk not making her feel any better. Not that it probably would if Cid was correct in his own accusations.

Granted, now that Cid put that thought in his head, Clive quickly glanced away when Jill came to place the water pitcher on the table next to him. He didn’t even really know why. It was just Jill; regardless of his feelings for her, he couldn’t ever remember ever feeling awkward around her.

He looked back over just as she leaned her body over the table to reach for the cups on the other side. She must’ve thought they were closer than they looked because she had to reach so far that her hips were pressed flushed against the edge of the table. At that moment, his mind decided to remind him where they were and what the velvet couches, the four post bed, and probably the table were here for.

“I got it, Jill,” Clive said, quickly standing up if only to give himself a reprieve from how suddenly hot the room felt.

“Well,” Cid said from his newly taken spot, leaning up against the doorway. “Since you‘re back to keep Clive company, I think I’ll do my own rounds to ensure trouble isn’t looking for us.”

Clive nearly dropped the cups he had just picked up. “You’re just going to leave?” He heard the words leaving his mouth without considering how it made him sound like he really was fifteen again.

Cid only gave a shit-eating grin that nearly had Clive wincing. “You’re adults, aren’t you? You’ll be fine.” He turned to leave, waving his hand over his head as he did. “Just don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

Clive felt his throat choke up at those choice words.

“Not that it's much of a benchmark to go off of,” Cid’s voice continued from the hall, but then like his footsteps, he was gone.

Jill rolled her eyes at Clive as she reached for the cups he didn’t realize he was holding out to her. “One of a kind he is,” she said with a slight smile on her lips.

“Yeah, yeah,” Clive breathed, sitting in the chair again. “Something like that.”

Jill leaned her back against the table as she carefully sipped at her cup of water. She stared out at the room, not saying anything, and Clive found he didn’t know what to say either.

It was sort of a relief Cid left because it meant he couldn’t do anything to embarrass either of them, but it also meant they were completely alone. Something that was usually fine, something that was fine before Cid just had to go and insinuate what could be going on in Jill’s mind, which only put it in the front of Clive’s mind.

It wasn’t like it was unfamiliar to him, the thought of his hands holding her hips closer, her skin against his. What it would be like to kiss her while her hands ran through his hair.

Clive cleared his throat to stop himself from letting his mind wander further. He wished he could just go back to ignoring his surroundings, but Cid effectively destroyed that facade. No, now he too was also acutely aware of how quiet the room was except for the occasional laughter…usually accompanied by a far too loud moan.

That was fake, right? Or at least over-exaggerated, not that Clive had much experience to base it on. It didn’t seem to matter to his mind since it quickly conjured up images of sinking into the velvet cushions of the couch, Jill’s warm breath on his ear.

He reached his hands up to rub over his face. This was going to be an even longer night than he initially anticipated.

“Clive?” Jill asked, in that tone she always used when she was worried about him. It was something that never changed from childhood.

“Hmm?” He dropped his hands from his face and saw her leaning down over him. He couldn’t stop his sharp breath at her being so close, but if she noticed, she didn’t make any indication.

“Are you okay? Your face looks red.” Jill reached her hand up, fingers accidentally brushing against his jaw before pressing the back of her hand to his forehead.

Something in the back of his head told him to move away and save himself more embarrassment, but his face was still tinglingly from the trail of her touch, and he simply didn’t want to.

“M’fine,” he muttered, his eyes fluttering shut as he felt a slight chill in the spot where Jill was still touching his forehead.

“Funny, I don’t believe you.”

Clive cracked an eye back open at her. “Got all that from touching my face.” Forehead, he should have said forehead. That was a normal thing people did, but he apparently was still wishing her fingers were running over his cheeks, his jaw, his hair.

Jill let out an amused snort, making him blink his other eye open. It was enough to send a jolt through his body. He used to be able to get her to laugh like that when they were kids. He hadn’t forgotten, but he also hadn’t expected to ever hear her laugh like that again.

At that age, he had only just been beginning to understand his feelings. It had only just been starting to click into place. Why he liked it better when she was around, why the sneers from his mother stung him more when directed at Jill, why seeing her smile made his chest swell, and why…those dreams kept reoccurring.

She dropped her hand from his forehead and leaned back against the table, the shadow of a smile on her face. She was standing closer to him; in one step, he could close that distance easily. “No, I got that because I know when you’re lying.”

He could let it be at that. Let her have the last word and not potentially dig himself into a hole he couldn’t get out of. That would be too reasonable of him, though, and the soft whispers coming in from the other side of the wall made him feel less than reasonable.

Clive crossed his arms on his chest. “Funny,” he said. “I could say the same for you.”

Jill’s expression didn’t change any, except for an arch of her eyebrow. “I wouldn’t know what you mean.”

“You’ve been…” he paused to at least pick his words carefully; the last thing he wanted to do was accidentally offend her. Wouldn’t that be a twist of fate to do the very thing he accused Cid of? “On edge since we got here.”

To her credit, her expression still didn’t change, but Clive was close enough to see a tinge of red crawling up her neck.

“Well, of course,” she said, eyes flickering to the beaded doorway which was waving in the breeze as someone had clearly just walked by. “It’s the waiting. I don’t like it any more than you do.”

Which is what Clive assumed was the reason in the first place. He felt a sense of relief for the tension his body felt wound into, but it was followed up with a sharp sink of disappointment for thinking it could be anything more. Before he could feel too much of either emotion, he noticed Jill was actively avoiding his eyes now.

He didn’t say anything for a moment, and she continued to look around the other side of the room, her fingers fiddling with the edge of the table. When he tried to meet her eyes, she still wouldn’t budge and instead rolled her lower lip between her teeth.

A simple, innocent motion, yet Clive felt like he forgot to breathe for a moment. The fact that she was standing framed by the deep red drapes of the bed posts was not in any way helping him. He clenched his hands against his chest, trying to remember where they were to gain some semblance of control he felt was spiraling out of his reach. However, remembering where they were did the opposite of what he wanted.

“Are you sure?” His voice came out deeper than he intended, which surprised him but not enough to stop. “Jill?”

Her eyes finally met his again at the sound of her name, and her mask slipped. Her eyes were always beautiful and always showed the emotions she tried to hide. They weren’t hidden now, he could see the desire laced in with the familiar grays and blues.

“Clive?” She asked in a way that sent a jolt to the pit of his stomach.

His hands fell against his thighs as he swallowed thickly. One step, one step, and there would be no distance between them. His eyes flickered to her lips, her lower lip under her teeth again as she watched him. If he stood up, then…he just had to stand up…

“Oh, M’lord!” A dramatic voice called loudly from the hallway. “Be a good boy and keep your hands to yourself until we get somewhere private.”

“Don’t play coy,” a male voice chuckled. “You like it.”

There was the distinct sound of a spank, followed by gleeful giggles from the woman as the duo continued down the hall.

Jill had turned her head towards the wall during the exchange, her jaw dropped slightly either at the exchange itself or its timing.

Whatever the reason, it was clear the tension that had nearly boiled over a moment ago left almost as fast as it came. At that point, Clive did the only thing he could think of doing in the situation.

He started to laugh, and once he started, he couldn’t stop. The smile that came with laughter was so wide it almost hurt his cheeks, but it was impossible to do anything else. To be so close to being so close to her, and that of all things be what broke the moment, was something he never imagined. It was absurd, and he just had to laugh.

It only took a moment before Jill’s laughter joined his.

He looked up at her with tears starting to form in the corners of his eyes to see one hand clasped over her mouth while her other hand held herself up against the table. Her eyes were nearly closed she was laughing so hard, and he almost wished she didn’t have her hand over her mouth so he could see her smile. He didn’t remember the last time he laughed like this, and he imagined it was the same for her.

Clive tried to catch his breath, his sides aching from the laughter. He was about to think it passed, but then he heard that charming and endearing snort of laughter from Jill, and he couldn’t help but grin at her.

A blush returned to her face, but she moved her hand from her face back to the table. Clive was more than thankful he could use the excuse of laughing for why his breath was taken away. For a brief moment, they weren’t Jill and Clive, in a brothel and about to embark on a mission that could claim their lives. They were Jill and Clive, teenagers trying to hide their giggles so no one would find their hiding spot in the library so they wouldn’t be forced to attend another boring banquet.

Jill reached behind her to grab both of the cups that had sat long forgotten. “Water?” She asked a small smile still on her lips.

“Yes, thank you,” he said as he started to stand up. “But I’ll get it, don’t worry.”

Even during the laughing fit, he didn’t exactly forget how close his chair was to where Jill was standing, but he also quickly realized he had underestimated how close they were. All he did was stand to his feet, and the cups in Jill’s hands were up against his chest. It clearly caught her off guard, too, because with a surprised noise, both the cups fell from her hands and clanged loudly to the floor.

Neither of them moved for a moment.

Clive was far too aware that his leg was inches from being between hers, the warmth of her body radiating and making him feel hotter than calling on Ifrit ever did. Jill tried to keep her eyes on his face, but he watched her eyes drop to his chest, where her hands were still limply stuck between them. 

She hesitated like she was unsure whether to touch him or not, but her fingers pressed against his skin before she pulled back quickly again, eyes looking up at him. He could easily put his hands on the table behind her, pressing her up to it and closing even the small gap that was still between them.

He didn’t know who moved first. He didn’t know if it was his small step forward or if it was Jill reaching out to curl her fingers into his shirt. It didn’t really matter. The next thing he knew, one hand found her waist while the other reached to her face while she moved as close as she could between her clothes and his armor. Her breath was warm on his lips as he curled his fingers around her cheek, tilting his head down to finally…finally…

“I’m sorry, did you need the room or something?” Cid’s voice called nonchalantly from somewhere behind them.

Clive’s eyes were still shut as he sighed. When he did open them, Jill gave a huff, an almost pout on her lips that, despite his annoyance, reminded him of simpler days. He leaned in to press a kiss to her forehead. It wasn’t much, but he hoped it conveyed any semblance of his emotions regarding her.

“No, Cid, that’s okay,” Clive said, though he knew his face might give the opposite impression.

“You’re sure?” Cid was walking in as he bit down on the apple he held in one hand. The other carried a basket of fruits and bread he must’ve schmoozed from the kitchens. “Because believe it or not, there are plenty of rooms here. Some do, in fact, have doors. I imagine that might be helpful, no?”

“Cid,” Jill warned, but it lacked any force as she wasn’t even looking at him; she was still watching Clive as he flopped back down in his chair.

“Well, don’t mind me then,” he said, an amused smile firmly back on his face. He placed the basket on the table before returning to lounge against the couch. “Please, do as you’d like.”

Clive rolled his eyes as he leaned back in the chair. Cid probably knew exactly what he was doing the entire time, and honestly, Clive couldn’t be mad over it. Not when Jill was trying so hard not to give Cid the satisfaction of seeing her laughing now.

Clive had spent so much of his life living just so he could fight another day, but as he was learning every single day, there was plenty to simply live for. Seeing her smile again was easily at the top of the list.

Chapter Text

“Clive,” Jill whispered, hoping the echo of the otherwise empty hall would carry her voice. She still heard the muffled music and laughter from the main hall. It was doubtful anyone would hear her over the noise, but she still walked as slowly as possible to ensure no old plank of wood creaked under her weight.

“Clive,” Jill tried again, fingers curling into the stiff skirt of the dress she was wearing for the evening. “Where are you?”

She swallowed the lump in her throat as she glanced over her shoulder.

It was still empty.

Jill knew everyone in the household was around the main hall for the festivities, but she also couldn't completely disregard a stray maid who might see her and run off to tell the duchess. She also knew she couldn't stay at the banquet any longer, not seeing Clive's familiar head of hair amongst the crowd of people.

“I know you're up here,” she said, even though she really didn't. Jill only assumed, considering he wouldn't have risked leaving the grounds completely, so he had to be here somewhere. So far, there was no sign of him; not even a movement out of the corner of her eye.

“I hoped you’d be here at least,” she sighed, disappointment sinking in her stomach. 

She’d have to turn around and go back to the banquet alone. Joshua was always front and center; Jill couldn’t even stand near him. Clive, though, had always stood with her and kept her company through dinner and through the speeches. When the dancing began, he’d whisper made-up stories about all the people he saw, making her giggle until they’d get a sharp glare from her governess or the duchess. He’d wait till they were looking away and start again.

Jill didn’t like any of the festivities hosted at the castle. She always had to go, but then she was barely allowed to do anything or the duchess would have something to say about it. The only thing that made it worth it was getting to be with Clive. 

She didn’t like banquets or festivals, yet she looked forward to them.

She paused as she pushed the palm of her hand at her eyes to try and stop the tears that started to sting her eyes. Stupid, she knew she was being stupid and selfish. How could she force him to return to something he hated just because she was lonely? He had every right to disappear. She just wished he’d taken her with him.

Jill took a deep breath and rolled her shoulders back, trying to stand taller than she felt. She closed her eyes before turning around to make the walk back to the banquet.

Or she would have if she hadn’t heard paws running down the carpet.

She spun back around to see Torgal bounding down the hallway towards her. “Hello, boy,” Jill couldn’t stop the smile from her lips. “I’m glad at least you’re happy to see me.”

He nuzzled his head into her open hand. However, instead of jumping up to lick her face like he usually did, he grabbed her skirt in his mouth and started to pull.

“Torgal, no,” she hushed. “I’ll be in trouble if you tear it, and so will you because you aren’t even supposed to be in the castle.”

He might be a puppy, but he was usually good with commands and knew what “no” meant. Which is why Jill found it very odd when he didn’t stop. She tried to pick him up because if one of them were to be in trouble, she’d rather it be her, but he jumped from her arms, running back down the way he came.

Torgal paused halfway down before sitting down, his tail wagging behind him. He watched her expectantly before giving a small whimper.

“You want me to follow you?” Jill asked because it seemed the only logical assumption based on how he was acting. She took a few steps forward, which seemed to be the right answer because Torgal was off running again.

Jill hesitated, worried that if she ran someone would hear her, but right now she was far more willing to follow the dog she loved than face the banquet again. She hurried down the hallway to catch up to him, trying to run on the tips of her toes to make as little noise as possible.

By the time she hit the corner, she saw him briefly pause by a door that was open just a crack before he slipped in. Jill kept running till she could swing open the door.

She had every intention to get inside and close the door behind her so that even if someone did hear her, they wouldn't see her. However, that plan was thwarted when she ran through the doorway and collided with someone else's body. Jill gasped as she and whoever had been unfortunate enough to be standing there was knocked backward.

Hands grabbed her shoulders, keeping her from taking them both down.

“I’m so sorry,” she rushed, panic starting to rise up her throat. She grabbed at the sides of her skirts, eyes down at the floor, fearing it would be worse if she broke into tears. There was no escaping her being in trouble now. “I should not have been running, I am so sorry…I’ll…I’ll…”

Instead of a scolding or a muttered acceptance of her frantic apologies, she heard laughter instead. Her head snapped up at the sound.

“Since when have you ever apologized for nearly knocking me off my feet, my lady?”

“Clive!” In her relief, Jill leaned in and almost threw her arms around him so he couldn’t vanish on her again, but she stopped herself, shuffling a step back. Even with her governess’ words about what was and wasn’t appropriate ringing in her head, she still couldn’t keep the smile off her face. “I was looking for you.”

He dropped his hands from her shoulders, his smile faltering. “I’m sorry, Jill, for not showing up.”

She opened her mouth to tell him it was okay, but Clive had already turned around to walk further into the room. Only then did Jill realize he was wearing formal attire she had never seen on him before. It looked more like what his father wore than what Clive wore. It didn’t look bad on him, but he somehow looked…older.

He pushed his hands up against one of the desks in the room that Jill recognized as an old study no one used anymore. He jumped up so he could sit on it, legs dangling off the edge. Torgal came trotting out from wherever he ran off to upon leading Jill here and tried to play with Clive’s feet.

“I was going to come get you first,” he continued, though he looked at his hands more than her. “But I was worried if I showed up, I wouldn’t be able to leave again.”

Jill still wasn’t quite sure what to say. She knew something was wrong, or at the very least, something was bothering him. He had never let any of the festivities stop him from sneaking both of them out whenever he could. What changed to make him feel trapped? She swallowed a lump in her throat. Jill had a feeling she knew who could be behind that.

“Then Torgal wouldn’t stop pawing at the door,” he said, playfully moving his foot around the puppy. “I thought maybe someone saw me come up here, but with how he was acting, I knew it had to be you.”

Something fluttered in her stomach, but she ignored it like usual. “I was worried about you when I didn’t see you there,” she said, walking over to where he was sitting. Jill stood by the table that was opposite the desk, running her fingers against the edge of the wood. “I was afraid you’d be in trouble, so I tried to come find you.”

“I don’t believe you.” He still wasn’t back to smiling, but she saw the amusement in his eyes.

“I beg your pardon, my lord?” Jill looked up at him, a smile twitching on her lips.

“You wanted an excuse to leave.”

“An excuse to leave to make sure you didn’t get confined to your room for weeks as punishment,” she tutted. Jill decided to leave out the part about being unable to stand there simply because she missed him.

He reached up to fuss with his hair, eyes on the ground. “I suppose that’s a fair assessment.”

Silence filled the room again, except for Torgal panting, as Jill felt his mood drop again. She bit at her lower lip while she watched him. Clearly, something about this particular banquet was bothering him, but what she didn’t know. As far as she knew, it was a normal feast thrown out of formality.

“I see you got new formal attire,” Jill said. Maybe that was it. Maybe he just felt self-conscious about having to wear new clothes. Granted, that didn’t sound too much like Clive; he wasn’t one to usually care whatever he was put in. “It fits you well, my lord.” She slipped back into formalities if only to hide the slight shake in her voice.

Jill was well aware of her feelings for Clive. No matter how often she tried to ignore it or remind herself it was a silly little crush or that he’d only ever see her as a little girl. It was always hardest to ignore when it was just the two of them, and even more so now, with his fitted tunic and pants laced with the reds and blacks of Rosaria. Red always did look good on him.

He gave her a half-hearted smile as he met her eyes again. “Thanks, Jill. I just wish it stood for something other than what it did.”

She felt her forehead furrowed in confusion. “I don’t know what you mean. What does it stand for?”

Instead of answering her, Clive only groaned and flopped onto his back on the desk, his head hanging off the edge. Torgal tried to jump up and paw at his hair, but the puppy was still a little too small.

Jill walked around to the side of the desk where he was now laying. She expected him to have his eyes closed, but he was already watching her like he knew she’d come.

After a moment, he sighed. “My father came to give it to me.” Clive gestured vaguely, but Jill knew he meant the clothes. “Telling me that because I was nearing sixteen, I’d have to be a more active part of any of the festivities held here.”

She sat on the floor as she listened so she didn’t feel like she was looming over him. Torgal quickly hopped into her lap, which she welcomed with quick scratches behind his ears. “What did he mean by that? You already do what you’re supposed to.”

Clive rolled his eyes, which Jill took to mean he got what she meant. The duchess always ensured Clive and Jill were seen for appearance's sake, but that was it; no talking, no moving, nothing else. “It means I’m supposed to be introduced to our guests, have a pleasant conversation, and…” he paused, looking up at the ceiling. “Dance with their daughters.”

Jill felt like the breath was forcefully pulled from her lungs, a sinking feeling dragging her stomach into the castle cellar. Jill always knew that was coming, but when she heard the whispers and gossip about who she could be betrothed to, even when it made her feel sick, she at least had the comfort of knowing she had a little more time. She did have a little more time, but Clive was older than her.

But now it seemed like time was running out.

Her suddenly frozen hands caused a whine from Torgal, and made her move to ensure Clive didn’t see her reaction. When she looked back at him, he was watching her again, but she couldn’t read the emotion that was in his eyes.

Her stomach clenched over the impending loss of what was never to be anyway, but Jill gave a smile. “My lord, you aren’t afraid of dancing, are you?”

“I’m not afraid of dancing,” Clive answered quickly, but he paused momentarily. “Dancing with someone might be a little different, though.”

Even though she felt a type of hurt she wasn’t sure she had felt before when she imagined Clive dancing with another girl, at this moment, with him still laying upside down, the embarrassed red tint to his cheeks, Jill could only laugh. “It is a little bit different, yes. Have you had lessons?”

“Of course,” he grunted, finally rolling over onto his stomach so he was looking down at her.

“And did you practice with a partner?”

“Yes, it’s a little hard to practice when your partner is much shorter than you and is also your little brother who keeps giggling at everything.”

Jill tried to cover her mouth before she laughed again, but it didn’t do much good. “I think I would have liked to see that.”

Clive snorted, but he was at least smiling a little again. “I’m sure you would have.”

Her chest started to feel light as an idea came to her head. It probably wasn’t a good one, and she’d probably be in trouble if they were caught, but if what Clive was saying was true…it might be her only chance to have one fanciful wish come true.

“Well, lucky for you,” she said as she ushered Torgal off her lap so she could stand up. “I’ve also had dancing lessons and a wonderful partner.” Jill moved around the desk to walk to the balcony doors at the end of the room.

“Who?” He called after her.

She swung the doors open, the music from the hall far below them echoing up. It wasn’t too loud, but it would do. Jill turned back to face him. He was sitting up on the desk now, and she tried not to read anything into his stare as she gave him her widest grin. “Joshua.”

That time Clive did laugh as he shook his head.

She knew things were changing. Her governess had already warned her about how she was not supposed to be spending time alone with Clive, and now he was being told he had to dance with other girls as he got closer to betrothal age. She’d have to face the fact she’d reach that age too, and sooner than he had to. 

For now, though, she just wanted to forget all that and have a moment with the person who always treated her like she was something special.

Jill approached the desk and gave him a curtsy. “Forgive me for being forward, my lord, but I would very much like to dance with you.”

She heard his feet hit the ground, and when she looked up to him, he was standing straight and proper, clearly playing the game with her. Jill didn’t expect him to take her hand as he bowed to her, his lips pressing a featherlight kiss on her knuckles. She couldn’t stop the way her breath hitched in her throat.

“It would be a pleasure, my lady,” Clive said in a gentle voice that made her feel safe despite feeling like her heart would skip out of her chest.

Jill knew by the heat in her cheeks her face would be red when he looked at her, but to her surprise, so was his. He didn’t look at her but instead moved to take the hand he was already holding so he could extend their arms out and upwards slightly. On instinct from all the dancing lessons she had, she moved her other hand to his shoulder, feeling the intricate embroidery under her fingers.

The action forced her to step closer to him, and in the moment, Clive seemed to forget where to put his other hand. It sort of hovered to her side, under her arm. He looked a little nervous, so Jill nodded her head to the side, trying to indicate what he was supposed to do.

He placed his hand on her waist, though it was as light as the kiss had been. Jill nodded her encouragement as she smiled at him, trying not to focus on the fact that this was probably as close as they stood face to face in what felt like years. Back before the people around them started insinuating how a boy and girl should behave around each other when all Jill wanted to do was be near him.

It was then, however, that she also realized he wasn’t moving. “Clive,” she whispered. “You lead.”

“Yeah, yeah, I knew that,” he muttered.

He took the starting step to the dance while Jill moved a step back to match him. He paused like he was trying to remember before taking the next step and the next. It was a lot slower than the beat of the music, but Jill did her best to match his speed so he wouldn’t feel bad if he stepped on her feet.

It only took him a few rounds of the same basic step before he either remembered or felt more confident to match the tempo of the music. Also, for him to finally stop staring at the ground.

“See,” she smiled as she looked up at him. “I knew you had nothing to be afraid of.”

Clive rolled his eyes as he let go of her waist, holding his other hand up to have her do a small spin as the dance dictated. “It’s only because it's you,” he said when she faced him again, placing his hand back on her waist to continue the now familiar steps.

She held the words close to her chest, but she knew this wasn’t about her in the end. “I’m sure the girls you dance with will be much better dancers than me.”

“That’s not what I mean.”

Jill must’ve given him a confused look because he laughed as he sent her into another spin. “Then what do you mean?”

“I mean,” he said, moving to hold her again as her skirts fluttered back down. “No one is going to be you, Jill. You make everything easier, even things I don’t want to do.”

Her lower lip wobbled; there was no way he would ever understand how much she’d treasure those words. She shoved these emotions down with the rest and smiled at him instead. “Or things you’re afraid to do.”

Clive moved his other hand to her waist, lifting her off the ground, which made her squeak in surprise. Joshua was never quite able to do it, but Clive made her feel like she weighed nothing at all. “Especially the things I’m afraid to do,” he said, the smile on his face warm, like it was only for her.

She was admittedly glad the next part required her to turn her back to him so he didn’t see her red-faced again. He held onto her hand as she spun out until her arm was stretched as wide as his was. 

Joshua also had trouble with this part. He always pulled too light, afraid to hurt her. Clive, on the other hand, didn’t seem to have the worry. He pulled her back with a force that had her skirts twirling as she tried to control her spin.

It didn’t work.

She barreled into him for the second time tonight. This time she was fairly sure she elbowed him in the stomach as he did because he was leaning over her slightly, his arms still around her from where he tried to catch her.

Jill was going to turn to ask if he was okay, but she realized he wasn’t in pain but was laughing instead. When he looked up at her, still trying to choke back his laughing fit, Jill couldn’t remember the last time she saw him so carefree and happy. She immediately couldn’t hold back her own giggles.

In that moment, nothing else truly mattered; no formalities, obligations, titles, and duty. It was just their laughter as they tried to keep each other from completely falling over. For a brief moment, it was Jill and Clive.

“Founder, why is it always you two?”

The deep voice reverberating through the room sent them practically tripping over one another to reach a more appropriate distance from each other. Jill was still shaking from the sudden shock of being caught as she tried to hold her curtsy to Lord Commander Murdoch, who was standing in the doorway.

“Lo-Lord Commander,” Clive greeted through his bow, clearly not faring much better than she was.

Jill tried to scan the room for Torgal, who usually was a fairly good watch dog, but he was sleeping next to the desk Clive had been sitting on earlier. Some help he was.

“We were just-” Clive tried to explain, but he didn’t get a chance.

“I don’t want to know, I don’t need to know,” the lord commander said. “I was only tasked to find out where you both went.”

Jill looked up though she couldn’t keep her shoulders from sagging. There was no way they’d get out of this without some sort of punishment. However, she was surprised that the Lord Commander didn’t look upset or angry; he looked maybe a little annoyed but more amused than anything.

“We were just-” Clive tried again, but he was stopped again.

“Do you want to spend more time explaining it to me or get back to where you’re supposed to be?” Lord Commander Murdoch gestured to the door. “Dance with the lady should you please, but do so where your father won’t send me out to babysit you two again, am I clear?”

“Yes, sir,” Jill said, hearing Clive echo the same. She was about to start the long walk back to the banquet but stopped when she saw Clive had extended his arm to her.

Time would keep moving like it always did and Jill wasn’t sure what the future held for her, but right now, this was all she needed.

With a smile, she looped her arm through his and let him start to lead her out of the room while the Lord Commander scooped Torgal up, probably to bring him back to the stables.

“I told you, Elwin,” Jill heard the Lord Commander say to himself as they were in the hallway. “They’re just going to be more trouble the older they get, and was I wrong? I don’t think so.”

She wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but it had some sort of implication that made her cheeks heat up.

“Thank you, Jill,” Clive said, leaning his head a little closer to hers.

“For what? All I did was get us in trouble,” she murmured though it was less about feeling bad and more about how close he was again.

“No,” he chuckled. “For being there, like always.”

Jill tried to bite back a smile as she reached over to place her other hand on top of the one already resting on his arm. “I always will be, Clive.”

She didn’t know if she’d be able or even allowed to keep that promise, but she’d wish and pray every night to do so. To be by his side was the only thing she truly wanted.