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Chapter Text

The air is cool and fresh as you step out of the bar into the Edinburgh night, still buzzing from a great atmosphere at the show tonight. You wonder whether you should try to cram in one more late-night gig before you crash but quickly decide against it; nothing could beat seeing the Horne Section tonight. You say goodbye to your friends and stand at the side of the road just outside the bar, waiting to hail a taxi and cursing yourself again for booking accommodation so far out of town.

Behind you, you can hear the revellers at the tables in the outside part of the bar and the loud buzz of drunken conversation and clinking glasses. A couple of men’s voices are particularly loud and raucous, when suddenly someone backs into you and you feel the shock of cold liquid land across your back. You shriek and turn to meet widened blue eyes looking down at you.

“Oh god, I’m so sorry!” The man is aghast as he stands frozen to the spot, awkwardly waving his hands as if rushing to dry the spilt beer from you but then thinking better of it. “I’m such an idiot – I wasn’t looking where I was going and I stepped back and you – I – oh god, I’m really sorry.”

Now that the initial shock has worn off, you realise the flustered man with the reddened ears in front of you is none other than Alex Horne, whom you just saw on stage half an hour ago. Adorable as it is to see him frantically apologising while the guy he had been drinking with – you now recognise him as Mark, the saxophonist of the band – chokes with laughter on his own pint, you quickly reassure him that it’s fine, it was an accident, no harm done. He seems to calm down slightly but his brow is still furrowed with worry as you take the opportunity to congratulate him on the show tonight. You can’t help but smile at his embarrassment as he thanks you with a sheepish smile. You can feel the beer soaking into your back and dripping down your legs but your ruined dress is a problem for later; right now, it feels like a price worth paying for the opportunity to talk to Alex and his pink ears.

You sense him relaxing as you chat about the show, and you’re treated to his goofy gap-toothed grin as you make him laugh. After introducing himself and making a couple of unsuccessful attempts to join the conversation, Mark mutters with an eyeroll that he’ll be off home then, but Alex barely seems to notice as his eyes never leave yours, except when they occasionally flicker down to your lips.

He goes to sip his drink, then gives his sheepish grin again as he realises his glass is practically empty. “I really am so sorry… you must be absolutely soaked.”

You turn round with a laugh and show him your back – well, let’s be honest, you make sure he gets an eyeful of your ass too. “How bad is it?”
“Oh god…” he covers his eyes with his hand. You can’t help but enjoy his groaning.
“Bad enough that a taxi driver won’t let me sit in his car?”
“I don’t know, maybe…” He bites his lip and pauses. He’s difficult to read – there’s embarrassment there, sure, but there’s something else too. Finally, he seems to come to some sort of decision as he continues, “Look, the place we’re renting for the festival is just round the corner. Do you want to come and clean up? I could wash your dress, or lend you a clean shirt or something, or, or…?” He falters and looks at you beseechingly.

You pause, really just for the look of the thing because you can’t exactly shout, “Yes, Alex Horne, I absolutely do want to come back to your place and take my clothes off,” and instead shrug nonchalantly that sure, that sounds like an OK plan.

As you walk along the street, you can’t help noticing the little looks he keeps giving you, and the fact that he’s blushing again. Perhaps that’s why you feel emboldened by the time you are standing outside the door to the AirBnB, and when he starts apologising again for all the trouble he’s caused, you fix him with a sly look and tell him that you could think of a few ways he could make it up to you.

His lips part in shock for a moment as if he were going to say something, then he closes his mouth and nods slowly, a slow smile spreading over his face. “That sounds more than fair,” he replies huskily, and you’re reminded that Alex Horne does indeed know how to flirt. “What did you have in mind?”

By way of an answer, you grab hold of his tie and pull him down towards you for a kiss. His beard softly tickles your chin as your lips meet and at first he seems slightly taken aback but soon begins kissing you back, his eyes closing as he lightly runs his fingers down your arms, your sides, and rests them on your hips. Who would have thought that a man who makes his living pretending to be awkward would be such a good kisser?

As you pull back for a breath, letting go of his tie, his eyes are shining in the lamplight. You want to rip his shirt open and ravish him then and there on the doorstep – and then you remember. “Oh god – you’re married…”
He shakes his head vigorously with a smile. “No, it’s OK – I mean, I am but – we have an arrangement…” He must see the scepticism in your eyes – you’ve heard that lie before – as he scrambles in his pocket for his phone. “One second, don’t go anywhere. Trust me.”

You suddenly feel self-conscious, standing on an Edinburgh street with beer stains all down you, watching the man you were about to try and fuck video call his wife. But he seems relaxed and happy as she answers the call. “Hi Rach, how’s it going? The kids OK? Yeah, it was good, I’ll tell you about it later. Listen, I’ve got someone here with me tonight and just wanted to check in with you…” He turns the phone to you and introduces you. You wave awkwardly and say hello, but Rachel seems unfazed. “Great, have fun and give him back to me in one piece, aye? Don’t worry about me, love, I’ve got Greg looking after me here tonight.” You can hear a voice you recognise from the telly shout affectionately from somewhere in the background, “Yeah, fuck off, you weasel, we’re busy!” and giggling.

Alex says his goodbyes and puts his phone away, then cocks his head and raises his eyebrows to check if you’re satisfied that it’s all above board. You respond by launching yourself at him, knocking him backwards against the door as you resume kissing him, more hungrily this time. Although he towers over you – he really isn’t Little at all, you have realised – it is you who is pinning him to the door with your body, your hands greedily roaming his chest, his arms, his neck…

Alex is giving as good as he gets, however, as he cups your head and draws you in with a long moan, his fingers in your hair. He shifts so his thigh is between your legs and you grind against him as you make out in the doorway. You are aching for him already; a few more minutes and you could probably get off like this, right there in the street. Reluctantly, you pull away slightly and murmur into his lips between kisses, “Unless you want me – to fuck you right here – get me inside now.”

The resulting guttural noise from Alex practically pushes you over the edge right there and then, but he nods vigorously and quickly turns to unlock the door. The two of you somehow make it up a couple of flights of stairs somehow, still clawing at each other desperately as you stagger up the stairs, and by the time Alex flings open the door to the AirBnB, you are both looking the worse for wear.

“What the- ?”

You’re startled to see the living room isn’t empty, but from the expression on the face of the man who had just spoken, the rest of the band are just as surprised to see you. Of course – Alex had said “the place we’re renting”. You glance at Alex, his tie loosened and first few shirt buttons undone, and then down at yourself in an equally dishevelled state, and blush as you look round sheepishly at the musicians eyeing you curiously from the sofas where they had been relaxing after the gig.

Alex seems completely unfazed, however. With a grin but a nevertheless firm voice, he moves towards the sofas and starts pulling the men up one by one. “Right, everyone out. I need the flat for a bit.”

There is a chorus of complaints as he manhandles them – “Seriously?!”, “Mate, you can’t do this-”, “Alex, you are such a-” – but he ignores them. You hover, feeling awkward but also quite enjoying watching Alex take command for once. You realise how different he is out of the shadows of Greg Davies; somehow he seems taller, more confident, more powerful.

You catch Ed’s eye as Alex is pushing him out the door, and can’t quite read the expression on his face. For a moment, you wonder if it might be fun to ask the guys to stay instead… But you get the impression that Alex would like you to himself tonight, and that is more than enough for you right now.

“What are we supposed to do?” protests Will as he is unceremoniously shoved out of the flat.

“Go catch a late show. Or busk on the street and help pay for this place. Don’t care. Just don’t come back for at least two hours.”

You can’t help but laugh at Alex’s asshole move, and although you can still hear the grumbling from the Horne Section as he slams the door behind them, the twinkle in his eye as he winks at you tells you that they’ll forgive him easily enough. Maybe you’ll be able to suggest a way to make it up to them another time…

For now, though, you turn your attention fully to Alex as he advances towards you with a languid smile and asks huskily, “Now, where were we?”

Chapter Text

Your eyes roam admiringly over Alex in his dishevelled state as he walks towards you, tugging at his loosened tie. Although you can feel the heat pooling between your legs at the thought of what you could do to him tonight, you can also feel the stickiness on the back of your dress. You can let him stew a bit while you make yourself more comfortable.

“First, you can point me in the direction of your bathroom,” you tell him, pressing a finger against his lips to cut him off as he was leaning in for another kiss. “Then you can make me a drink, and think about how you’re going to make up for your transgression tonight.”

His eyes glint with hunger and now the Alex that longs to please and to obey is back. He rushes to the kitchen while you head to the bathroom to clean up and get rid of the stink of beer. You throw your dress in the sink to soak and then, grinning to yourself, put your heels back on before you slink out to meet Alex.

He is sitting in an armchair, his shirt and tie still loosened as you had left him, but now he is sipping on a beer with one knee jiggling nervously. He looks up as you approach and his jaw genuinely drops slightly when he sees you walking towards him in your underwear and heels, a seductive smile on your lips. “Fuck,” he breathes, his darkened eyes drinking in the sight of you, and you can’t help but feel a flutter of happiness in your stomach to elicit such a reaction from him, knowing that he so rarely swears. You’ve never been particularly confident about your body but right now as you stand proudly just in front of this man you are currently reducing to a puddle, your legs akimbo as you look down at him in his chair, you feel powerful, beautiful even.

He is still gawping at you as you slowly lean forward and, eyes never leaving his, place your hands either side of his head on the back of the armchair.

“I believe I ordered a drink?” you continue to smile but allow just a hint of menace into your voice, and are rewarded with a flash of panic in his blue eyes as he scrabbles to pick up the glass sitting beside him on the coffee table and offer it up to you.

“Yes, sorry, I- here you are. It’s a gin and tonic. I thought you might prefer that to a beer, given that- um, under the circumstances…”

You smile and take the glass from him, brushing against his soft, long fingers as you do so, then slowly climb onto the chair to sit on his lap facing him, your legs bent either side of his. You say nothing but take a long swig of the cool drink, the crackling ice cubes against your lips, enjoying his flustered squirming. His eyes are transfixed on you as you drink, and you are pleased to see the familiar blush returning and creeping from his ears down to his neck.

Finally, you put the glass back down on the coffee table and then lean into him, your now-chilled lips sending an involuntary shiver through him as they press against his hot, pink ear, and murmur, “Good boy.”

That delicious noise from Alex’s throat again. You smile to yourself; you intend to get all sorts of noises out of this man tonight. You’re reminded of that moment from Taskmaster:

“I don’t think I’ve ever screamed before.”
“Oh yes you have…”

- and you have no doubt you will have him screaming your name before the night is out.

You begin to kiss and nibble at his ear, then his neck, gently nipping at the flushed skin with your teeth, while you slowly undo his tie and unbutton his shirt. He moans softly under his breath as your hand snakes down across his chest, your fingers running through the tufts of hair, and then down towards his trousers. You are pleased to see the growing bulge there and, after teasing him a little by lightly dancing your fingers around his stomach and thighs, you palm his hardening erection through his trousers, eliciting a groan from him that makes you want to jump on it there and then.

You stand up in front of him again and his eyes follow you, widened now. You command him to undress, and he rushes to do so until you raise an eyebrow and tell him, “No, slowly. I might even ask you to do a sexy dance. You’ve done it before, remember? In front of millions of people on TV. Don’t pretend you didn’t love it.”

You’re not sure who is enjoying his exquisite embarrassment more, you or him, as he slowly peels off his clothes one by one, his blush now spreading to his furry chest. Finally, he stands naked before you, his eyes flickering nervously between you and the floor. Although he is much taller than you, you somehow seem to loom larger than him, his shoulders hunched, ready to obey your every command.

“Very good,” you murmur approvingly, then press a hand against his chest to push him back slightly. “Now lie down on the floor, there’s a good boy.”

He obeys at once, his blue eyes gazing up at you in awe as you smoothly remove your own remaining clothes and then step forward to stand over him, a leg either side of his prone body. He’s quite the sight from this angle, and you are pleased to see his stiff cock twitching, well in proportion to his body as you’d always imagined. Clearly, he is Little Alex Horne in name only. Apparently without thinking, he trails his fingers up your calves as you tower over him in nothing but a pair of killer heels, then freezes as he catches the wicked glint in your eye.

“Remember, for tonight you are mine,” you warn, and to make your point, you lift up one foot and slowly place it on his chest, putting just a little pressure so that the stiletto heel digs slightly into his skin. The poor man’s eyes almost roll back in his head with agonised delight, and you cannot believe what a delicious little plaything you have in front of you.

“I’m glad you liked that,” you continue coolly, “but tonight is about my pleasure, remember?”

“Of course,” he half-whispers. “Anything you- anything…”

You chuckle and lift your shoe off his chest, then languidly move forward to kneel down and lower yourself over his face. He moans happily as he breathes you in; all the teasing has had the same effect on you as him, and you are slick with want. You bite your lip as his tongue swirls around your clit and he sets to work. His hands begin to stroke your thighs but you are feeling too good right now to admonish him; your throbbing pussy is too relieved to finally be getting the touch you have craved all evening. Your breathing becomes heavier as he moans into you, sending vibrations through your pussy that make you groan in response. Fuck, this man knows what he is doing; the inept character he plays on TV is nowhere to be seen. Soon you feel the orgasm building; you look down to see his eyes closed in rapture as his tongue flicks steadily against your clit, his beard slightly tickling your inner thighs, and the sight of Alex Horne in this devoted state is enough to push you off the cliff edge. He keeps up the rhythm as your knees clamp tight against his head and your whole body shudders with ecstasy, then gradually slows along with the last shockwaves that pulse through you.

You shift back slightly to smile down at him, as he gazes up at you adoringly, his eyes shining and lips glistening. “Well done, that wasn’t a bad start,” you say, as casually as you can manage though ragged breathing, and his cheeks flush at the welcome praise.

Chapter Text

You stand up, careful to hide the slight trembling still in your legs from Alex’s incredible work with his expert tongue, and stroll casually over to the coffee table for another sip of your gin and tonic. You can practically feel Alex’s eyes burning into you with lust, so you make sure to slightly exaggerate the sway of your hips as you walk. You take your time with the drink, knowing full well that he is forced to remain lying there on the floor, awkward and horny, waiting for your next command.

When you decide you’ve probably put the poor boy through enough, you glance over your shoulder at him – as you suspected, he is gazing up at you expectantly – and tell him to lie on the bed. As he rushes to do so, you bend over to the pile of clothes he left on the floor (deliberately giving him another eyeful and smiling as even from inside the bedroom where he can see you through the open doorway, you hear the catch of breath in his throat) and draw the belt from out of his trousers.

The curl of a smile on your lips mirrors the belt curling around your fingers as you advance on him. His eyes widen as he spots it in your hands, then flick up to meet your own eyes, a mixture of desire and fear in his expression as you know he is wondering what you are going to do with the belt. “Don’t worry, Little Alex Horne,” you chuckle. “Although I’m sure this would leave some very pretty marks on you, I’ll leave that for another time.”

Instead, you bring his wrists together in front of him and wrap the belt tightly around them, then fasten the buckle. You consider for a moment whether you should find something to gag him with too – the thought of having him bound and gagged, all wrapped up like a meek little present for you, is certainly a pleasant one – but in the end you decide you’d rather see what noises you can get out of him. As it is, you are thrilled to have Alex there on the bed in front of you, entirely at your mercy.

Slipping off your heels, you crawl onto the bed on top of him and begin your exploration of this ecstatically defenceless man, kissing and nibbling every part of him, beginning with his neck and shoulders then slowly moving your way downwards. As you lavish his body with attention, you are pleased to see how well he responds. His cheeks flush and goosebumps raise on his skin as your lips brush over his tufted chest. Moving his bound wrists to one side, you reach his stomach and give the soft flesh a gentle nip with your teeth, then smile as you see his lips part slightly and he gives a quivering exhalation of sheer arousal.

You can feel his erection straining against your thighs, already slick with precum and twitching with every kiss that you pepper his body with. He squirms, clearly wanting but not daring to press himself against you for the relief of the friction that he so dearly craves, but although you want him inside you now just as much as he does, you want to see how long you can prolong the teasing. And his eyes never leave yours for a second.

As much as you enjoy the silent pleading for release, you want to hear him say it. Bending forward close to his face, you tease him. “What do you want, Alex?”

“Please…” he croaks hoarsely, his throat tight with thwarted desire.
“Beg me for it. Tell me what you need.”
He looks like he might cry, but softly repeats your name. “Please… I need you to fuck me…”

He gives a strangled cry of dismay as you suddenly roll off the bed and walk out of the bedroom, but you are soon back with a condom from your bag. He watches you intently, still helpless with his wrists bound together, as you slide it over his pleasingly long shaft. You climb over him again and push his tied wrists above his head with one hand, then slowly lower yourself onto his cock.

You’re not sure which is more satisfying – the fullness of having him inside you at last, or the delicious moan that spills from his lips. Still pushing his hands against the headboard, you begin to ride his cock, slowly at first, enjoying the sensations and Alex’s reactions. A roll of your hips elicits a low, “Fuck…” from him and he closes his eyes in ecstasy. But as you begin to speed up, his eyelids spring open again as he is clearly enjoying the sight of you bouncing up and down on his cock. He murmurs over and over how beautiful you are and, nice though that is to hear, your plans for him probably won’t allow him to form coherent words soon.

Your eyes locked on his blue ones, you slowly lift your hips until only the very tip of him is touching you, then pause there. His expression becomes confused, then dismayed and he bucks his hips against you to try to push the rest of his cock inside you, but you smile cruelly and shake your head, tilting your hips back even further to prevent him. You wait until his pleading look seems almost close to tears, then in one smooth, quick motion, sit down again on his cock, making him cry out in relief. You repeat the torture a few more times; Alex Horne is something to be savoured and teased, after all.

But eventually, whether it is because he deserves a reward or because you need this yourself, you decide to show him mercy, and begin rocking on his cock rhythmically now, the sound of skin on skin echoing between your quick, ragged breaths and his moans. You’re almost surprised at how vocal he is, and as you fuck him, your eyes roam admiringly over his body, his back arching with pleasure, his chest flushed red. Finally, his eyes almost roll back in his head as he cries out your name and comes inside you with a shudder. You watch him twitching as his breathing slows down and smile to yourself. Yes, Alex Horne does know how to scream.

You roll off him gently and dispose of the condom, then untie his wrists before snuggling into him, your cheek resting against his armpit.

“Well, that was very nice, thank you,” he remarks in his trademark deadpan, and you can’t help but laugh; this is the Little Alex Horne you recognise.

Or is it?

As you talk and laugh together, relaxed on the bed, you tease him that he was exactly as you’d expected from TV – wanting to do your bidding.

“Oh is that so?” he tilts his head to look down at you with a smile and a raised eyebrow. “Don’t forget I’m the one who sets all those tasks, not Greg.”
“Oh right, so you think you could set me a task and I’d do it, do you?” you retort, rather enjoying the rare experience of a confident, flirty Alex. Your heart skips a beat as he shifts suddenly and grabs your wrists in each hand, eyes glinting as he looks deep into your eyes.
“I know I could.”

It's your turn to make the guttural noise now, but this surprise side to Alex is certainly most welcome so you reply with a grin, “Go on, then.” He gets up and walks out of the bedroom, treating you to the magnificent sight of the back of naked Alex Horne and his pert buttocks.

He returns a few minutes later, holding a folded piece of scrap paper. You open it with a grin, to find the following words inside in Alex’s sloping handwriting:

Do not come. If you come, you will be disqualified.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” you laugh. “What – not ever? How long for? Does what happened earlier count?”

Alex fixes you with a steely gaze, though with a twinkle in his eye. “All the information is on the task.”

“Alex, you are such a-”

But Alex doesn’t hear what he is, because he is already swooping on you to pin you to the bed, ignoring your giggling and shrieking. Now it is your turn to have your hands held together, though this time by Alex’s own broad paddles. He settles into a comfy reclined position, half beside and half on top of you, then his expression suddenly serious, searches your face for a moment. Seeing only surprised delight in your eyes, he nods almost imperceptibly then begins to exact his playful revenge.

At first, you make a great show of rolling your eyes and pretending to be bored as he begins kissing your neck and caressing your breasts with his free hand. “You think you’re so irresistible, like I’d honestly have any trouble not coming…”
But Alex will not be baited. “Just as you say,” he remarks pleasantly between kisses, a satisfied half-smile on his lips as his hand snakes further south. His long, deft fingers find your clit, still slick from not long ago, and begin rolling lightly, expertly in a way that makes it harder to keep your breathing steady as you continue your mock protestations.

But his touch is so incredible, the combined sensations of kissing and nibbling and stroking so intoxicating, that your treacherous body is beginning to react in the only way it can under such circumstances. Although of course you have every intention of getting yourself disqualified from this particular task, you are almost embarrassed by how quickly you’re about to lose, so you desperately try to think of something else to take your mind off Alex and his clever fingers.

The show tonight! Think of some song lyrics from the band. That won’t be sexy at all. OK… how about ‘Zumba’? “Zumba, hear me tonight… Zumba, let me take flight…” Shit, that doesn’t work because now you have the image of Ed’s legs wrapped around Alex’s waist, which really isn’t helping matters.

Alex can sense you are close now and merely grins smugly as you volley expletives at him through panting breaths. But eventually, you succumb to the inevitable and despite all the namecalling in your pretend anger just now, it is simply, “Alex,” you gasp as the orgasm rips through you, and you convulse in his arms.

As you come down from the waves, you open your eyes to see him smiling down at you, with more affection than triumph, to his credit. “You bastard, that was incredible,” you grin and tilt your head to kiss him.
“Yeah, I don’t think your score is gonna be that great, though – you didn’t last long,” he deadpans, then squeezes you tightly to stop you playfighting with a squeal in response.
“Now I know why everyone on Taskmaster wants to do horrible things to you.”
“I mean, you say you’re not happy about this but if you look at the evidence…”

You laugh and this time he doesn’t stop you when you lightly punch him in the arm. “Of course I’m happy, you idiot,” you laugh.
“Ah. Well you’re not going to be when you find out about the second task.”

Your jaw drops. “There’s a second task?”

Alex looks you squarely in the eye and replies quietly with a sly smile. “There’s always a second task.”

Chapter Text

Alex heads back out to the living room and retrieves a second piece of paper from under the coffee table, which you hadn’t noticed him place there earlier when he wrote the first task. He holds it out to you with raised eyebrows. “You see? You should always check under the table.”
“You really are a dickhead, Alex.”
“So they tell me.”

You roll your eyes and open the task, still chuckling, to read what Alex has written:

Make Alex come in exactly fifteen minutes’ time, no more, no less. Closest to fifteen minutes wins. Your time starts now.

“Closest wins? Who am I competing against?”
“I dunno, the guys will be back in a bit and they’re pretty good at it.”

You swear at Alex and chuck the task at him; he ducks out of the way, honking with laughter in his distinctive fashion. You can’t help but smile at this infuriating, goofy, clever, sexy dork. Only he could turn a fuck into a challenge.

“Anyway, I think this is an unfair task,” you continue, mock grumpily. “Can you even come again this soon?”
“All the information is on-”
“Alex, I swear to God…”
“Some people might say you’re wasting valuable time. You’ve only got,-” he glances at his watch, “-fourteen minutes and twelve seconds left now.”

You growl, which at least shuts Alex up momentarily, as his slight cock of the head and parted lips suggest he rather enjoyed that sound. Still, if he wants to be in charge for once, you’re happy to let him.

You walk over to the side of the bedroom where he is standing, and keeping your gaze steadily locked with his, you kneel before him. Alex’s smart mouth seems to be failing him for once as he looks at your own, his eyes suddenly darkened with longing. He watches you hungrily as you drag your nails up his hairy thighs, licking your lips as you look up at him through your eyelashes.

His cock is already starting to twitch by the time you wrap your hand around it, gently coaxing it back to life with slow, light strokes. He closes his eyes with a groan as you sit up on your knees and begin to swirl your tongue around his hardening cock before at last engulfing him with your mouth.

You enjoyed having Alex at your mercy earlier, but now it is your turn to do his bidding and you are happy to serve him. You’re clearly doing a good job, judging by his soft moans as he lightly runs his fingers through your hair. You’re not sure which Alex is more beautiful: helpless Alex tied up on the bed, or this powerful, confident Alex towering above you now. This Alex commands a band of musicians and has made dozens of comedians degrade themselves at his instruction on television, even if he pretends not to be the one calling the shots. This Alex could tell you to do anything, and you’d gladly obey.

Alex is breathing harder now, and you can taste salty precum as you continue to lick and suck his beautiful cock. It evidently takes him no small amount of willpower to force open his eyes and look at his watch before saying, as casually as he can manage under such pleasurable circumstances, “You’re very good at this. Possibly too good. You’ve still got another nine minutes and twelve seconds left, but I’m not sure I have…”
Still with your lips wrapped around his cock, you giggle, and the vibrations you send through him elicit a choked moan from him.

“Nope, I’m definitely going to have to make this harder for you… rather than for me,” he smirks at his own terrible pun as he gently nudges you back and steps away to rummage in his bag for a condom. He slides it on himself smoothly then takes your hand and leads you over to the bed. At first, you move as if to return to your previous position from earlier, with you on top, but he shakes his head with a wicked grin. “No, I’m in charge now, remember?”

He gently pushes you on to the bed and climbs on top of you this time, nuzzling your neck with kisses as he slowly enters you. At first, you simply sigh into his deliciously lazy thrusts, entwining your legs with his and enjoying the feeling of fullness inside you. But after a while, he murmurs, “Four minutes left,” in your ear and, remembering your mission, you begin to buck your hips more quickly to speed up the rhythm. He chuckles in response, then makes a show of pretending to distract himself, closing his eyes and singing tunelessly one of his most ridiculous songs. “Chaka Demus and Pliers… Chaka Demus and Pliers…”
You make an indignant harrumph at this infuriating man, despite the wave of affection for him that simultaneously washes over you, and he gives another of his gap-toothed honks of laughter. “You can’t expect me to make it too easy for you,” he grins and, using the weight of his arms to pin yours down, lifts his ass in the air so that you can no longer reach his cock. He laughs at your frustrated attempts to buck your hips high enough to meet him again and simply whispers with glinting eyes, “Just a little taste of your own medicine.”

You pause for a moment, then after sharing a crinkle-eyed smile together, you use a final burst of strength to quickly lift your hips one last time and wrap your legs around him, drawing him back into you. Alex is no longer toying with you now, and instead the two of you move together desperately, foreheads touching, breaths gasping, hands clutching at each other, your thighs clenching tightly to bring him deeper inside you. Finally, Alex scrunches his face up tightly as he comes, and you feel his whole body convulsing with a shiver as he cries out with pleasure.

You allow him to rest from a moment as he comes down, the weight of his body almost crushing you, before you murmur with a smile, “Stop the clock. What time did I get?”
“No idea. I never actually noticed the time when I first looked at my watch so I’ve just been making it up.”
And the room echoes with your indignant squeals merged with Alex’s honking laughter.

* * *

Soon after, you are lying in a hot bath together, you sitting in front of Alex between his legs, which are so long he has to prop them up on the side of the bath. As you take turns to sip from the cold bottle of beer you are sharing, Alex gently playing with your hair as you lie against his furry chest, you reflect happily that his famous dislike of physical affection is clearly just a pretence for the show. You sigh contentedly, enjoying the warmth of the bubbly water as you drift off into a mental safari – and then through the closed door of the bathroom, you hear a knock on the front door, followed by the creak of it opening a smidgen.

“I hope you’re decent, because we’re coming in now!” calls Joe.

You tilt your head up to look at Alex and smile.