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Chapter Text

In the process of trying to pull the gum out of her curls, she starts to cry. Her second day and she’s already crying in the bathroom. It’s pathetic to cry over something this dumb. At her last school, they were at least imaginative with their words. It made sense to cry then. A stall door opens causing Nicky to jump. She avoids eye contact with the girl and washes her face off. The girl leaves and she hops onto the countertop, going back to pick the gum tiny piece by tiny piece out of her hair. 

Another girl walks in. Nicky watches her through the mirror as she pulls another molecule-sized piece from her hair. The girl walks past her and leans onto the countertop as she unzips a tiny makeup bag. 

“You won’t get it out like that.” She says as she applies a coat of lip gloss before the girl’s eyes meet her own.

Feeling the heat rise in her cheeks, Nicky looks away. It’s not like she really thought it was going to work but it’s embarrassing to be called out on it. And what if this girl thought she was dumb enough to think that? 

“I know.” 

“My sister taught me how to get it out. I could help you.” 

She shakes her head but when Nicky opens her mouth she asks, “Okay, what the hell am I supposed to do?” 

“Come with me.”

“Where?”

“My house. Or yours. Do you have vinegar?” When she shrugs, “So, mine. I’m Lorna.” 

“Nicky.” 

IIIIII

Lorna went to heat a bowl of vinegar in the microwave while she snooped around her living room. A crucifix is hung next to the archway into the kitchen and a bible is lying on the coffee table. It wasn’t much of a surprise. When Lorna took off her jacket, she had noticed the gold cross hanging from her neck. Picking up a family photo from the mantle, she scoffs at how they’re matching. Maybe there is a positive side to having divorced parents. The microwave beeps and she walks into the cozy kitchen. 

“Do I seriously have to put my hair in that? And then just hold it there? You want me to walk around holding a bowl to my head?” 

“We’ll use a rag.” 

After soaking a cloth in the vinegar, they begin to tie the cloth onto the hair that has the gum. 

“So, where’s everybody?” 

“My mom’s here. Franny and dad are at work.”

“What about your brother?” Nicky counted 5 people in the photo, Franny must be the older girl but she remembers a young boy. 

“Friends. Maybe? Why?”

“Just wondering.”

She pulls her hair by accident and Nicky winces. Then she says, “Sorry. What about you? Don’t you have to call home and tell ‘em where you are?” 

“My mom doesn’t care.” 

“What about your dad?”

“Not here.” 

“Oh.” Lorna pulls back, frowning. “What do you mean?” 

“My parents are divorced. He lives in New York.” 

A silence falls over them. She hates this when people feel bad for her and don’t know what to say. Or when they apologise. It’s not like it was their fault and it has been almost six years. 

“How much longer do I have to do this?” Nicky breaks the silence after a minute. 

“You just have to let it soak for a few more minutes. Then we comb it out. Let me–” 

She runs out of the kitchen to what Nicky guesses is the bathroom and returns a moment later with a wide tooth comb. It reminds her of nights when her nanny would take care of her hair that her mom considered a rat’s nest which she used as an excuse to get out of bathing her own kid. 

“Did you move here from the city?” 

“Only a few days ago. It's kinda wild how different it is here.” 

“How so?” 

In every way , is what she wants to say. But that would be too broad. She knows Lorna wouldn’t understand the biggest difference, that she feels as though her bubble’s been popped. For her whole life, the only people she really knew were Jewish, this is her first time at a public school. Prior to this, she went to a Jewish day school. And even from a young age, her mom sent her to an overnight summer camp. It feels like she’s put on an itchy wool sweater after wearing cashmere her whole life.

“It’s just a big change. You know, small town, big city.” 

“I guess that’d be weird.” Then she clears her throat. “I think we should try to comb it now.” 

Before Nicky left, with no gum in her hair, Lorna gave her a piece of paper with her number on it with a warning that she can’t call too late because it’ll wake the whole house up. 

Chapter Text

They had been sitting in the cafeteria when Lorna’s friend, Alex, asked if they wanted to go bowling on the weekend. As soon as she sat down with them a few days ago, Nicky knew she was going to like her. She had been wearing a Nirvana sweatshirt with the sleeves rolled up enough to notice the faded doodles on her arms. The drawings were quite impressive and she spent a few minutes admiring them. So when Lorna said it was up to her, she obviously said yes. 

It’s dark when she boards the bus. The floor is covered in wet shoe prints and slush. There’s a glaze of condensation on the windows.  She spends the ride blowing hot air into her hands that had become slightly blue. All that hot air just for her to have to walk another 10 minutes in the freezing cold. 

When she gets to the bowling alley she can barely feel her hands. Lorna and Alex are already sitting down at a table with drinks. After stomping the snow off her boots the best she could, she traded them in for shoes. It was quite hard for her to get a grip on the shoes with the feeling in her hands slowly coming back. Any movement gave her pins and needles. Getting the shoes on was even harder but she managed, walking down to her friends with the laces untied. She asked one of them to tie her shoes while complaining about the cold. Alex relented. 

Lorna sat next to her and grabbed her hands. “You should be wearing gloves.” 

“You’re not her mother, Lorn.” 

They giggled while she looked at them unimpressed, her thumbs digging into Nicky’s palms. Nicky felt the heat creep back into her hands and up to her neck. 

“How are they now?” 

“I can actually feel them,” she said, pulling them away. “Now, who’s ready to be blown away by my bowling skills?” 

“You’re going down.” 

“Oh yea? I’d like to see you try.” 

“I won’t even have to try that hard,” Alex says as she inputs her name into the scorer.

Clearing her throat, Lorna says, “It’s just bowling. It’s basically luck.” 

“No, there is definitely skill involved.” 

Halfway through the first game, Nicky bought herself a vanilla milkshake after getting a strike. She was the first of them to get one. Alex booed when the last pin had fallen. It had kept them all in suspense and if it was a movie with some high stakes on the game, there would have definitely been a slow-mo shot. In the end, Alex had won that game. The second game was much more competitive since Lorna had lost the first one and had declared she was going to take it much more seriously this time. She even started stretching as if she was about to run at a track meet. It was quite hilarious. Before her first go, she took a deep breath and got a spare. Maybe her preparation had actually worked. Alex had fallen after one of her throws but still managed a strike. Nicky won this time and Lorna was close behind. 

They packed up their stuff. Alex’s mom had already been waiting outside to pick up the other two. When Nicky had barely reached the sidewalk, the car slowed down beside her and her mom forced her to get in the car. 

Chapter Text

It was Lorna's first time at her house and Marka had gotten to the door before her. She’s standing at the top of the stairs listening to her mom put on her most polite act. That mask will drop as soon as her friend steps back out of that front door in a few hours. Nicky interrupts their small talk and pulls her down the stairs showing her to her room. When they get in her room, Nicky slams the door and jumps onto the bed while Lorna looks around. There is something odd about watching another person look around your room. It’s so personal. Nicky thinks of her room as a map of her mind of some sort. So, as Lorna walks around her room, she is really walking through her mind. 

“When’s this from?” She’s picked up a photo off of her mahogany dresser and brought it over to her. 

The worst day of her life is what she really wants to say. “My bat mitzvah. I don’t even remember these people’s names.” A lie, their names were Rebecca, Lucy, and David. Lucy was the only one that she actually liked, she helped her study her Torah portion.

“I don’t know what that is.” 

“It’s a Jewish coming-of-age ceremony, kinda.” 

“Oh.” Her eyebrows furrow. “I would’ve never imagined you wearing a dress. You aren’t that girly.” 

“I didn’t really have a choice, I mean what else would I have worn? It was a pretty dress though and I didn’t hate it like I thought I would.” 

After putting the photo back, Lorna continued to look around her room. Nicky imagined that each thing she picked up or looked at was one of her brain cells. Each cell was a shiny orb-shaped chest with a gold clasp in the middle. The lock would disappear and reappear as she would pick up each object as if each cell knew she had permission to see what was inside. It was a funny thought. 

Lorna pulls an album from her shelf. “This is your favourite, right? Dummy by Portishead?” 

“Yea.” 

“Can we listen to it?”

Nobody had taken an interest in learning about something she likes in years let alone actually remembered something she told them more than a day ago. Diane, she had learned that was what Alex’s mom preferred to be called during one car ride, knew the words to most of the songs her daughter liked. Whereas Marka wouldn’t know Smells like Teen Spirit if it hit her in the face. 

“Sure.” 

Nicky takes the album and puts it on the record player. When she sits back down, Lorna plops down next to her. The music starts and Nicky immediately stretches towards her stereo to turn it up, it was way too quiet. 

“Which one’s your favourite song again?” She asks, looking at the album insert.

“ Strangers . Or It’s a Fire but that one is only on the CD so you won’t actually hear that. Unless you want to?”

Lorna tucks her hair behind her ears and nods. “I’d love to.” 

This isn’t the first time she has noticed how beautiful she is. Nicky has thought that since the moment she saw her walk into that bathroom. It is, however, the first time she has let herself look. Nervous that Lorna would think she was staring or that she would be self-conscious and ask if there was something in her teeth, she would bounce her eyes. But she could feel her eyes on her all the time, why should Nicky be afraid to look if she is not? Sitting crisscrossed, she’s swaying slowly to the music. There’s a small smile on her face and she’s fidgeting with the comforter. 

Nicky lays down with one foot dangling over the edge and closes her eyes. When the music stops, Lorna flips the record over and jumps back onto the bed. She pinches her. 

“Ow!” Sitting up, she rubs her arm.  “Why the hell would you do that?”

“Just making sure you aren’t sleeping.”

“I hate you.” 

“No, you don’t. That’s impossible. You could never hate me.” She laughs. And it’s sweet and contagious.

IIIIII

Bringing the dishes, the ones she and Lorna used for their snacks, upstairs, she overhears Marka in the living room. She’s on the phone talking to someone about her. Something about how she “wouldn’t mind” and that there is no need to talk to her about it. How can she know that if she hasn’t asked her? When she hangs up, probably because she noticed that she was there, and Nicky asks her who that was, she deflects. 

“You and your friend were quite loud.” 

“Well, I’m used to being alone.” She mumbles. 

“What?” Marka clearly heard her, she’s being purposely obtuse. “Anyway, the next time she is over could you try to be quieter? And answer the door faster. If you’re expecting visitors, maybe wait by the door.” 

“I will. It’s not like I wanted you to answer it.”

“I didn’t like that girl much, you know. She talked too much.” 

Nicky drops the dishes in the sink and deadpans, “Your approval was much needed so I’ll never see her again, thanks Marka.” She stomps down to her room and slams the door shut. Another night where she’ll fall asleep angry. 

Chapter Text

Diane dropped the three of them off in front of the theatre after picking them up from school. They were going to see Wild Things , the new movie with Neve Campbell that had come out a week ago and Lorna had some reservations.

“We shouldn’t be doing this.” 

“It’s not like we’re going to kill somebody. We’re just gonna see an R-rated movie.” 

“But it’s rated that for a reason. My parents would not like this at all. I don’t know how Diane is okay with you seeing this, Alex.” 

She had been counting her money, ignoring their conversation or at least doing a good job pretending not to listen, but being mentioned made her head shoot up. “Because it’s just a movie.” 

“Exactly. And it’s not like you have to tell your parents what you watched. Tell them you saw The Wedding Singer instead. Everybody loves Drew Barrymore.” 

“I’m not gonna lie to my parents.”

“It’s not lying, it’s more like bending the truth.”

Lorna rolls her eyes. “You guys are gonna get me in trouble.” 

“But Nicky is right. You should just lie a little. It isn’t like we’re committing a crime, we’re just gonna watch a movie. Your sister probably lies all the time.” 

“She does not.” 

“What about that time where she was going out on a date and she told your parents that she was working that night? Or that other time where—” 

“Okay, I get it.” 

IIIIII

Multiple times during the movie, Nicky had looked at her friends and even in the dark theatre she could tell they were reacting the same way she was. That was probably the most unsatisfying movie Nicky had ever seen. After the third plot twist, she thought that was surely it. Oh boy, was she wrong. 

“It was so unnecessary. There was no reason for those scenes in the middle of the credits. They dragged it on and on.”

“There was no reason for half of that movie,” Nicky says. “The women were all treated like objects. It was so bad.” The scenes where the girls kissed especially rubbed her the wrong way. It had felt fake and like it was for another person’s enjoyment, the latter was in fact the case for the first scene where Sam had made the two girls kiss. 

Coming to a stop at a red light, Diane turns around. “What about you Lorna? What’d you think?”

“I didn’t like it either.” 

“All you watch is romcoms and musicals, we know you didn’t like it.” Alex teases.

“That’s not true. I like other things too. What was that movie we watched, Nicky?” 

“ Dazed and Confused ?” 

“Yea, I liked that one. Anyways, a bad movie is a bad movie. You thought it was bad too.” 

Chapter Text

Half asleep and high, Nicky picked up the phone without moving an inch. Her arm was the only thing that could move. The rest of her body was glued to her bed like a mouse to a glue trap. 

“Hello.” 

“You sound tired.” 

The person is being quite loud for half past one in the morning. It takes a minute for her to process who is on the other side of the phone.

“Lorna? What the hell?” 

“I miss you.” 

“You could’ve told me that at a normal hour,” she retorts. “But I miss you too.” 

“I’m coming over.” 

Nicky sits up so fast she feels her soul leave her body. “What? Right now?”

“I can’t sleep and I wanna go on a walk but it’s too late to do that alone.” 

That makes zero sense because how would she get to her house without walking alone. Whatever, Nicky is not awake enough to ask and honestly it doesn’t matter, she wants to see her. “Okay. I’ll wait for you outside.” 

After hanging up, she puts on a red flannel and takes her Carhartt jacket off the rack on her wall. She can’t find her boots anywhere in her room even after she turns on the light. Did she really leave them upstairs? She sneaks up the stairs and finds her boots by the front door. In an attempt to be as quiet as possible, she carries her shoes to the back of the house and into the screened patio. 

Nicky waits a few minutes before walking outside. Out front, she sits on the steps playing with her lighter as she waits for Lorna. The flame dances in front of her as she waves the lighter around. Transfixed on the flame, she almost doesn’t feel the metal heating up and burning her thumb. She curses and drops the lighter. When she stands to pick up the lighter, Lorna is standing at the end of the driveway. 

“See, I was told to not play with fire.” 

“Playing with fire is actually encouraged in my house. As a baby, my mother gave me a pack of matches and told me to go ham. That was before the nanny.” Nicky laughs. “So, where are we going?” 

“Wherever.” 

“Let's go to space. Let’s build a fucking rocket ship.” 

She grabs her hand. It makes Nicky stop dead in her tracks but then she’s pulled back into motion as fast as she had stopped. 

“Space kinda scares me but I’d go with you.” 

“You’re scared of space? What? Why?”

Under the dim light of a streetlight, Lorna looks at her in disbelief. “You don’t find it scary? It’s big and there’s stuff out there we don’t know about.” 

“It’s not just big, it’s infinite.” 

“That’s supposed to make it less scary? What if we flew into the sun?” 

“Then we’d die. Probably really fast, we wouldn’t even feel it. That’s kinda better than dying any other way.” She is aware of how insane she sounds.

“Do you think of the best ways to die often?” 

“Not often. Only sometimes.” 

They fall into silence. It’s comfortable until she becomes aware of Lorna’s hand holding hers. Why had she done that? Why are they still holding hands? Nicky should’ve let go. But her hand is so warm and nobody is around. And maybe part of her had also wished for Lorna to grab her hands as she had back at the bowling alley. She wonders if she thinks of that as much as she does. 

Eventually, they find themselves outside the only 7-Eleven in town. It is the one thing open at this time of night and Lorna started talking about how hungry she was. The door chimed as she opened it.

“Do you even have any money?” Nicky asks as she picks up a bag of candy and checks the label. Lorna nods. 

Some Janet Jackson song is playing on the radio and Lorna starts to dance to it in the aisle. It reminds Nicky of the flame dancing in the wind earlier. But she doesn’t look for long, instead, she grabs a Coke from the fridge. She makes her way to the counter and so does Lorna, still slightly dancing to the song. The guy at the counter gives her a weird look and she ignores him as they pay. 

Somehow they had managed to walk in the direction of Lorna’s house. It had clearly frightened her when Nicky suggested that they just go to her place. She had started rambling about what would happen if her parents woke up, and how they would kill her. Nicky had told her to just relax and that it wouldn’t happen. In the end, they compromised and sat out on her lawn. 

“You know, I’ve never been able to look up and just see stars. But I actually really love that stuff. Astronomy I mean.” 

“Astrology?” 

“No.” She chuckles. “They’re both about stars and whatever but very different. Okay, see like the Big Dipper?” 

“Yea.” 

“It’s a constellation of seven stars. Do you know their names?”

“The stars have names?” Lorna’s eyes widened.

“Of course they do. The handle is made up of three stars, at the tip is Alkaid, then Mizar and Alioth. The bowl has 4 stars, Dubhe, Merak, Megrez, and Phecda. If you draw a line through and past Merak and Dubhe, you’ll find Polaris or the North Star.” 

“You’re so smart.” 

Nicky pulls a joint out of her jacket and puts it to her lips, she mumbles, “Thanks,” as she struggles to light it. 

The cold wind brushes against her face and the smoke follows it. Her nose was numb and probably as red as a tomato. Sitting outside was probably the stupidest choice they could’ve made. Yet, she doesn’t want to go inside or home. 

“Where’d you get the weed from?” 

“Al.” 

“Can I try?” 

She passes her the joint and Lorna holds it for a moment, inspecting it as though it were some foreign object. Then she holds it up to her lips, inhaling. The joint barely leaves her lips before she starts coughing. Nicky expects her to hand it back immediately as she catches her breath. Instead, she takes another puff. It’s shorter than her first and she actually exhales before coughing this time. 

Nicky hands the bottle of coke to her as she takes the joint back. “Drink or else your mouth will get so dry.” 

When the joint has whittled down to nothing but a stub, Lorna stands up and starts spinning. Nicky grabs one of her hands to stop her. The attempt fails however when she grabs Nicky’s other hand and starts to spin them both around. They spin and spin and spin until she gets thrown off balance and Lorna comes tumbling down with her. Laughing, she rolls onto her side coming face to face with her.

“How am I gonna get through the summer without you?” Nicky says, still giggling. But when Lorna’s face drops so does Nicky’s.

“What?” 

“I’m spending the summer in New York. With my dad.” 

“What do you mean? I thought we were all going to spend the summer together. We talked about getting summer jobs and shit.” It was odd to hear her swear. Has Lorna ever sworn before?

She sits up and hugs her knees. “I did too. Then, my mom decided to tell me how I was going to spend my own summer. All because she’s going on a trip with her new boyfriend, which I didn’t even know about, to fucking Greece.” 

“So, she didn’t even ask you what you wanted to do?”

“No. That’s not how my mom works. And now, I’m stuck spending the summer at my dad’s and I haven’t even heard from him in forever. Trust me. If I had a choice, it’d be to spend the summer with you.” 

“Well, if you won’t be here will you at least call me every day?” 

Lorna held out her hand, her pinky finger standing up. Nicky held out hers and locked her pinky around hers.

“I promise.”

Chapter Text

The summer had been going by at a snail’s pace until her old friend showed up. Most days prior had been spent reading whatever she could get her hands on. She started picking up comics, specifically surrounding Marvel’s Scarlet Witch and Funny Times which is a magazine she used to read a lot before moving. And her nights were spent on the phone with Lorna and occasionally Alex. When she wasn’t reading or talking to her friends back home, she was ignoring her father, the only day she failed at that was when he forced her to go out to dinner with him on her birthday, and walking around the city alone. But then, Vera came knocking. She was exactly what Nicky needed.

Vera had been like the older sister she never had since summer camp in ‘89. She had been assigned as Nicky’s companion which meant she was an 11-year-old who was forced to hang out and watch over a kid in case the counsellors got distracted.

They saw The Sound of Music at the Martin Beck Theatre, she made sure to take photos of the theatre to show Lorna since all she talks about is musicals and went to plenty of concerts of underground bands in crowded venues. When they would stay in, they baked. Lots of cupcakes and bread. Or at least Vera would bake and Nicky would draw shapes in the flour. The only thing she actually helped with was braiding the challah they would make.

One night in particular, they had been having a sleepover when Lorna called. As soon as she hung up Vera asked who it was.

“Just a friend.”

“You know, you’re blushing.” This frustrated her, why did her skin have to give her away? “Who’s this friend?” The word “friend” had been drawn out and said with a smirk.

She sat down and asked in a hushed voice, “Can I ask you something?” Vera nodded. “What would you do if one of your friends liked girls?”

“You mean if she was a lesbian? I wouldn’t mind.”

“So you wouldn’t think that’s wrong?”

“No. You don’t decide that shit. One of my friends is gay and he sure as hell didn’t decide to be.”

Nicky cleared her throat. “I think I’m a lesbian.” And that had been incredibly freeing to say. It had been stuck in her head all day and night for so long. She spent the rest of the night talking to her about Lorna while Vera just listened.

Chapter Text

Ms. Jones is the best teacher because she keeps the lights off during class which lets her and Lorna hide at the back of the classroom, allowing them to get away with pretty much anything. At the moment, Nicky is shading in a sketch of the moon. Rhythmically, her heels tap the ground as she attempts to focus on the drawing and what their teacher is saying. She looks to Lorna who is actually listening and then back to drawing. If she misses anything she’ll just ask her. 

By the time the bell rings, she has managed to fill a page of her sketchbook. She picks up her books and leans against the door frame as Lorna talks to the teacher. There’s a smile on her face when she turns back towards her.

“What was that about?” Nicky asks, draping her arm across her shoulders.

“Nothing. I just needed an extension on the assignment.” 

“I meant the smile.” 

She rolls her eyes. “I didn’t think you were gonna wait for me.” 

“All I do is wait for you, Lorna Morello.” 

“You’re a dork.” 

They get to the cafeteria and immediately sit down outside. Today, Lorna brought homemade cookies for all of them. Nicky attempts to take one but she stops her since they should “wait for Alex”. However, she steals one when Lorna turns her back for a second.

“You have no manners.”

“This isn’t a family dinner, we don’t need to wait for everyone to sit down and then say grace.” Setting down the half-eaten cookie on the lid of the container they were brought in, Nicky grabs her sketchbook and opens it to the most recent page, sliding it to Lorna. “Look. I’ve been working on that page all morning.” 

“When’d you start drawing people?” 

“Recently. You’re a pretty good model.” 

“I didn’t know I was modelling.” 

Alex comes out of nowhere and grabs a cookie as she looks at the sketchbook. “That’s really good, Nick.” 

“Thank you. It’s really nice to hear that at least one person here appreciates my work.” 

“Don’t act like I don’t. I love it. And I have so many of your drawings on my side of the room, my walls are like a fridge covered in a child’s scribbles.” 

“Lorna, don’t say the word ‘scribbles’. What if she thinks you’re comparing a child’s scribbles to her beautiful art?”

Snatching the sketchbook back, she shakes her head and says, “You are annoying.”

“Yea, anyways what are you guys gonna be for Halloween?” 

“A Victorian man who just got woken up. You know, with the hat and the sleeping gown.” 

Lorna tilts her head. “Sometimes it’s hard to tell when you’re joking.” 

“I was. What are you going to be?”

“Well, I was thinking we could all be matching.” Nicky looks at Alex who has the same wide eye expression on her face. “Listen to me. We could all be different cats. For example, Alex could be a tuxedo cat.” 

‘

“Now, I am on board.” 

This leaves her as the only one who doesn’t want to do this. It’s two against one and she is going to lose. Why does this have to happen to her?

“Okay, and then I’d be a brown cat or something and Nicky would be a lion.”

“I’d be a lion, really?”

Alex nods. “It makes a lot of sense.”

“It’s really creative.” She says, the sarcasm dripping from her voice. “The girl with curly red hair is a lion.” 

“Well my first choice was musical characters so be happy I landed here.”

“Were you gonna make me be orphan Annie?” Nicky raises her eyebrows and her mouth drops.

“Maybe… I mean you did tell me about that one year when you’d run around singing the songs.” 

“I was six.”

Chapter Text

They’re playing that game where they try to count to one hundred and if somebody repeats or misses a number then they have to start over. It’s their favourite game to play when they get high. This is their eleventh attempt and they are at thirty-six. The highest they’ve gotten is sixty. Lorna’s half asleep and already snuggled up under the comforter. It is not looking good for them. 

Earlier they had been dancing and singing along to the words at a Tori Amos concert. Marka had reluctantly agreed to pick them up from the concert when Diane fell through because of work. All of them had run from the venue to the car, they were a bit underdressed for the mid-November weather, and piled into the backseat. It was a silent and luckily short car ride. Once home, they hung out in front of the fireplace in the upstairs living room before going downstairs after her mom yelled at them. 

That was hours ago now and the leftover adrenaline from the concert had since ceased. Nicky can barely sit up straight and is relying on the wall to keep her semi-upright, she can’t tell if it’s the weed or exhaustion. Most likely it is a healthy mix of both. And then there’s Alex, who is playing with her hoodie strings like a cat. She snaps her fingers, bringing Alex out of her daze and the counting continues. They make a few more rounds and it seems like they might make it.

“Fifty-seven,” Lorna says and due to her face being buried in a pillow, it’s barely audible.

“Alex just said that.” Nicky throws up her hands and starts sliding down the wall into her bed. “You know what, I’m fucking tired, I can’t even think straight. Goodnight.” 

“So, I’ve gotta sleep on the floor tonight?” 

“That’s the way the cookie crumbles. Unless you wanna squish all together.”

A disapproving groan comes from Alex. “You kick in your sleep. I don’t know how close I’d like to be next to you.” 

“I do not.”

“Yes, you do.” 

“Even Lorna’s on my side.” 

She brings the comforter over her head and says, “Fuck all of you, I’m sleeping.”

After the room goes quiet, Nicky readjusts the comforter and turns onto her side. She shuts her eyes and is half asleep when her brain offers her a thought. It would be so easy to just reach out and grab Lorna’s hand. Or wrap an arm around her and hold her, play with the cross that she doesn’t take off even to sleep. Rest her head above her heart and listen to it. Though, she wouldn’t be able to live if Lorna rejected her. It would ruin everything. So, she turns onto her other side and away from her.

Chapter Text

“Hey Mr. Morello.” 

He’s shovelling the snow in the driveway and doesn’t stop to say anything back. That’s usual, he’s not a cheerful person. The only time that she saw him smile, she didn’t think it made any sense but maybe that had something to do with his mustache that hung over the corner of his lips. 

Rarely does she ever come over to Lorna’s house. Not only does she not like her parents or her little brother that much, but she is also not often invited. Lorna is always on board to go to Nicky or Alex’s but never hers. On some level, Nicky knows it’s more than just the fact that there isn’t much to do but she is also aware you can’t just ask somebody the kind of questions she would have to ask. 

Franny lets her in and gives her a hug. “It’s nice to see you. Lorna’s doing laundry.” 

“It’s nice to see you too. Thanks.” 

Downstairs, she finds her folding clothes. It seems like she is almost done so she waits on the bare wooden steps. These stairs scared her the first time she walked down them. It seemed like they could've cracked under her weight and she’d face plant onto the concrete below. Thankfully, they did not. 

Lorna jumps when she sees her. “Can you not sneak around like that?”

“I thought you heard me coming down the stairs.” 

“Well, I didn’t.” 

“You gotta put those clothes away now?” 

She shakes her head while walking up the stairs and balancing the basket on her hip. “My mom might do it if she feels better later. Dad will if she won’t.” 

“How’s your mom?”

“She can walk now. Only with a walker but it’s an improvement. It’s almost impossible for her to get around the house, though.” 

“I bet.” 

They walk up the second flight of stairs to her parent’s room. Nicky opens the door so Lorna doesn’t struggle to.

“Oh, you brought your friend here.” 

“I’ve heard you’re doing better now.” 

Her mom nods. “Much better. Have I told you how much I love your hair?”

“You haven’t. Thanks.” 

IIIIII

This is the third time that Lorna has done her makeup. It’s nice when Lorna does her makeup. She would never have her makeup done any other way. Outside of her room, makeup is something women have to wear for men. In her room, it’s just fun. Lorna always makes her close her eyes until she’s done. It feels a bit like a spa day after that. She feels the tickling of the brush against her eyelids and her cheeks. Then the lipstick being applied and the eyeliner pencil being dragged methodically. And when she opens her eyes, she doesn’t even know who she is looking at in the mirror. This time, her lips are cherry red, her eyeshadow is a frosted blue and she’s got a little too much blush on.

“I got a bit carried away. I wanted to use my favourite lipstick on you but by then I already put the eyeshadow on.” 

“I like this. It’s loud and in your face. It’s perfect.” 

Lorna laughs. “You are way too nice. It‘s kinda shitty.” 

“No, no, no. It’s cool. I feel like I’ve seen something like this on other people in magazines. The red lip makes me feel like Gwen Stefani.” 

“You should do mine.” 

“Your makeup?” Nicky shakes her head. “I can barely do my own mascara without poking my eye out. Plus, I like what you’ve got on.” 

“I’m not wearing anything.”

And she’s still perfect. No matter if she wears makeup or not, she is the prettiest girl in the world. 

“Okay, I’ll do it. Don’t get mad if you lose an eye.” 

“I don’t think I’d even have time to be mad.” 

She looks at all the makeup before her and considers what she should do. One time Lorna wore chunky glitter eyeshadow to school, she really liked that. That’s what she should do. She’ll put a soft shade of purple under it. Unlike Lorna, she just uses her fingers. Nicky attempts to wipe the glitter off her fingers using a tissue but it doesn’t work. Then she picks up a lip gloss. According to the label, it tastes like grapes. Probably like medicine. She holds Lorna’s chin and rolls the gloss onto her lips. The gap between them is so small and maybe she could find out if the lip gloss tastes like medicine or not. There isn’t even a chance because the door creaks open and Nicky pulls away. 

“Dinner’s ready. I need you to help me down the stairs, Lorna. Are you staying to eat?” Usually, her mom would make her stay. Practically force her. That’s an invitation to leave and she hadn’t even done anything wrong. 

IIIIII

It’s a good thing that it is winter break because Nicky can’t sleep. She’s tried to calm down in every way she could possibly think of. Her bed is covered in food wrappers and a dog three blocks away could hear her music. Isn’t it normal for girls to do each other's makeup? It happens in movies all the time. What was so different this time? She takes another puff from her joint and observes herself in the mirror. The makeup is long gone, that had been washed off the moment she got home. Maybe there was something about her that made it obvious. 

It’s stupid for her to be this nervous. She’s probably overreacting. There is a possibility that it had nothing to do with her. Something could have happened and they wanted her to leave so they could talk about it. Or maybe they just wanted to have a family dinner to themselves.

Then the phone rings and she has never moved so fast in her life to pick up a phone. 

“Lorna?” 

She hears heavy breathing on the other side of the line. A little uncomforting, considering she’s seen Scream one too many times. But then there’s a gasp.

“Hey.” 

“What’s up?”

“My mom doesn’t want me going to your house anymore. Or for us to hang out in general” 

This was the one time that she really wanted to be overreacting and here Lorna is crying over the phone. What betrayed her? And what would she do if she knew the answer? It’s not like she could change it and even if she did Lorna’s mom wouldn’t change her mom, she is a strong-minded woman. 

“What about school?

“I mean, maybe we can still hang out there. It’s not like she would know.” 

“Good ‘cause life would be boring without you.” 

“Yea, I couldn’t live without you.” Lorna chokes out. “Goodnight.” She says if it’s possible for this night to be good. Nicky can barely say goodbye. 

Chapter Text

The past couple of months since the incident had gotten progressively worse each day. Lorna and she had spent lunches together and even got involved in extracurriculars to get away with hanging out with each other at the beginning. It wasn’t that hard for either of them to pick one, Nicky did debate at her last school and was pretty good at it, and Lorna just chose theatre which made her question why she wasn’t already in it. Their parents didn’t question why they’d spend two days a week at school until five. 

However, only a few weeks into that plan, Franny had accidentally brought up how clubs are usually after school only once a week. After she had mentioned that Lorna only saw her at lunch and in class. In class, she would barely speak to her. During lunch, they’d speak like everything was normal. 

There was an attempt to hang out at Alex’s house once. That’s how they found out that Diane got a call from Lorna’s mom. And although she’s pretty relaxed, she wouldn’t purposely withhold information from somebody’s parents. 

In the end, it didn’t take long for Lorna to stop speaking to her altogether. So, she could live without her. She would still sit next to her in class and laugh at the jokes Nicky would whisper to her but at lunch, she’d taken to eating by herself. A few times a week, Alex would join her after a quick apology to Nicky. The weather got warmer and Lorna acted more and more cold. Ironic.

IIIIII

She’s got her head on her desk and is fighting sleep. Nothing Ms. Jones is saying is making any sense. School feels like it’s getting longer and longer every day. Maybe it is and this is some elaborate prank on her. Nicky wouldn’t be surprised if God is pulling some shit on her, maybe her whole life is the prank. Certainly seems like it.

There’s a tap on her desk. Is it her teacher? Please don’t be Ms. Jones. She raises her head and instead finds Lorna holding out a note.

“Did I bother you?” 

“Yes.” Nicky snatches the note from her. 

IIIIII

Hugging herself, Nicky sits on the riverbank waiting for her to show up. She was expecting this to be much quicker yet she’s been here for half an hour. There’s no way she misinterpreted that note. It said “under the bridge” and she is directly under it. Hearing a car door shut, she turns around. 

“Why’d you drag me out here?” 

Lorna almost slips as she sits down next to her. It feels like there is a football field between them.

“You came here all on your own.” She’s so pale and her eyes are watering. “This is hard.”

“Talking to somebody you have ignored for months is hard, yes.” There’s no reason for her to take the anger out on her. 

“I’m so so sorry.”

“About what?”

Her lip trembles. “We’re cursed or something. I can’t be your friend.” Nicky shrugs, despite how incredibly hard this is to hear. “I’m scared, you know, that we’re gonna die and that this is wrong.” 

“So what? So is everyone else.” 

“Stop acting so indifferent.”

“I’m just tired.” Dropping her head, she says, “I wanna know why you think this is so wrong.” 

She wants to hear that she loves her or for her to hold her and kiss her. Just anything to confirm that Lorna feels how she feels. 

“Don’t act stupid, you know… You know, we’re just too much. It’s not normal.” 

A tear rolls down her face and she wipes it away. Nicky pulls her bike up with her as she stands. This is it. She can’t look at her face anymore. 

IIIIII

That night she imagines they ran away together. How would that have turned out? They could've gone to New York. Maybe Vera would take them in. Or they could camp out somewhere, Nicky knows how to start a flame because of camp. And the rest they could just learn as they go.