Chapter 1: it’s part of me
Chapter Text
Zane inhaled and exhaled slowly, his hand tracing the stencil on the customer’s thigh methodically. The buzzing of his tattoo gun vibrated in his ears; the sound he’d learned to grow accustomed to.
Before opening his own shop a year prior, Zane had worked as a tattoo apprentice at his role model/rival/neighbor Gene’s parlor.
Despite the way Zane was treated by Gene in high school, he couldn’t help but hand it to Gene about how talented he was in his craft.
Of course Gene wasn’t too happy when Zane opened his own parlor halfway across town, but that was the beauty of it: the fact that it was halfway across town meant that Zane didn’t have to see Gene.
“Can we take a break?” Zane’s customer said through gritted teeth.
Zane pulled back the tattoo gun, shutting it off. “‘Course. Need anything? Water or a snack. .?”
“I’m good, just need a break.” His customer nodded, waving his hand towards Zane.
Zane stood up, setting down his tattoo gun on the rolling cart next to him and took off his black surgical gloves.
He made his way towards the front of his shop where his employee/neighbor was manning the counter.
Travis was thumbing away at his phone, a bored expression painted on his face.
Zane was never a big fan of Travis, but he was mature enough to acknowledge his talent and hire him anyway.
“All good out here?” Zane asked, making his way towards the water cooler in the lobby.
Travis yawned obnoxiously loud, earning an eye roll from Zane.
“Yep! We got a walk in a few minutes ago but since you refuse to let me actually work on anybody, I had to turn them away,” Travis said as Zane filled up one of the little plastic cups on top of the cooler with water.
“It’s not that I won’t let you,” Zane groaned, pulling his mask down to sip the water. “It’s that you’re not ready.”
“Zane, I’ve worked here since you opened. It’s almost been a year. How am I not ready?” Travis asked.
Zane couldn’t help the deja vu clouding his thoughts. Him and Travis had been having this conversation weekly for a few months now.
“Do you know how long I had to apprentice for until I was finally able to work on someone?” Zane gave his usual response, pulling his mask back up after downing the rest of the water.
Travis scowled at him. “A year and a half, I know but-“
Zane held up his hand, silencing Travis, and walked away without another word back towards his customer.
———————————
“Your total is $12.37.” Nana smiled sweetly at the customer in front of her, holding out the bouquet of roses they had just bought.
The customer handed her the money and Nana quickly made change, handing it back to them and waving goodbye.
“Have a good day!” she called as the customer exited the flower shop, the familiar ring of the bell stealing the end of Nana’s sentence.
She breathed in deeply, closing her eyes and letting the familiar floral scent take over her senses.
Nana had been working at her close friend’s flower shop for almost a year now and she couldn’t be happier.
Next to baking, flower arranging and gardening was Nana’s favorite hobby. To get to work with plants every day had slowly begun being her number 1 reason to get up every morning.
“KC!”
Nana heard Aphmau calling her name from her office behind the counter.
“How many hydrangeas do we have in stock?” she asked, her voice slightly muffled through the layer of wall.
Nana glanced over at the hydrangea section, scanning her eyes over the flowers.
“4 of the blue ones and 3 of the pink ones!” she called back.
“Thank you!” Aphmau sang.
Nana smiled to herself, tightening the apron that was fastened around her torso.
It was definitely boring to some: her life. Her roommate and best friend Katelyn definitely thought so.
But to Nana, she couldn’t ask for anything else.
Yes, there was the constant loneliness she felt every time Travis, Katelyn’s boyfriend, was over.
And yeah, Nana quite often felt immense amounts of guilt for lying to everyone around her about who she was.
But other than that, which Nana had convinced herself was not a lot, she couldn’t be happier.
Or maybe she could.
Chapter 2: a slow pull
Summary:
“It was relaxing to Zane . . . it was methodical.”
“This was Nana’s favorite part of the day: the unwinding.”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“You’re all set,” Zane said, pulling away from his customer. “Travis’ll ring you up out in the lobby.”
“Thanks, man.” They smiled, standing up from the chair and limping awkwardly to the lobby.
Zane stood up, stripping his hands of their latex prisons and slowly beginning to clean up.
He loved being a tattoo artist, he really did. But most of the time, the clean up was the best part.
It was relaxing to Zane. Not just because he could be alone after a couple of hours with a stranger, but because it was methodical. It could be done exactly how he wanted it to without anyone getting in the way.
That’s why he loved being his own boss.
He hummed softly, wiping down his tattoo gun with an antiseptic wipe and stowing it away.
He wiped down the tattoo chair, readjusting it to its standard setting.
He threw away the small pile of latex gloves and packed everything else up: the saran wrap, the ink capsules, and the numbing cream.
He took his phone out of his pocket, checking the time and quietly cursing to himself.
He was meeting his family for dinner in a half hour and still needed to get flowers as well as go home and change.
He packed up the rest of his personal
things and hurried to the lobby, sending Travis home and closing his parlor as quickly as he could.
Finally, he exited the shop, locking the door behind him.
The melting sun casted a dark, orange glow around him, illuminating his way toward his best friend’s flower shop — one he frequented often.
He stopped right in front of the glass double doors, throwing his body weight against one of them and pushing it open. The tiny bell rang above his head.
He glanced up at the counter, hoping to spot his best friend Aphmau, but no.
It was Kawaii-Chan, the hyper, bubbly, way-too-loud-for-his-liking meif’wa girl. Who also happened to be his neighbor.
“Welcome to-“ she stopped. “Oh, hi Zane-Kun.”
He rolled his eyes at the name.
“Anything I can help you with?” she asked, her high pitched voice threatening him a headache.
“No.” He shook his head, grabbing a few random flowers that he hoped his parents would like and headed to the counter.
“Is this all?” she asked, punching a few numbers into the cash register.
Zane nodded, pulling his wallet out of his pocket and thumbing through the bills.
“$10.49,” she said, smiling brightly at him.
Zane handed over a twenty, checking the time on his phone as Kawaii-Chan wrapped the flowers up.
He grabbed the bouquet as she held it out to him, spinning on his heel and booking it to the doors.
“Zane-Kun!” she called after him. “Your change!”
“Keep it!” he called back, jogging the whole way home.
————————————
Nana turned her key, pushing her front door open and walking in.
The house was rather quiet, other than the sound of the TV and a soft snoring.
She took her shoes off, lining them up neatly by the door, and placed her keys on the dish that sat on the small table in the front hall.
She reached behind her head and pulled the hair tie out of her thick, pink hair, pulling a few dead strands away in the process.
She rolled the hair tie down her wrist, snaking her hands through her hair and scratching her long nails down her scalp — avoiding her cat ears, of course.
This was Nana’s favorite part of the day: the unwinding.
She’d get home, take her shoes off, maybe grab a snack, and then go upstairs and fall asleep to whatever romance anime she was hyper fixated on.
Nana made her way to the kitchen, stopping only for a moment to take in the scene in the living room: Katelyn and Travis were sprawled out on one of the couches, limbs entangled, pillows thrown about the floor.
They’re fast asleep, Nana realized.
She quietly entered the living room, grabbed the TV remote from Travis’ limp hand, and shut the TV off, enveloping the room in darkness.
She exited the living room, closing the distance between her and the kitchen. She gently rolled her neck, cracking it softly and letting out a sigh of relief.
She opened the fridge, grabbing one of the cupcakes she’d made the other day, and made her way upstairs.
She walked into her room, side-stepping the various piles of clothes strewn about the floor, and fell into her bed.
She peeled the cupcake lining away from the cupcake and took a bite, closing her eyes to savor it.
She thought for a moment — laying there in her bed, eyes closed, eating a cupcake — about how much better her life could be.
It seemed as if everyone around her was in love these days. And Nana knew, she really did, that you didn’t need a relationship to be happy but. .
She also knew there were parts of her that couldn’t be understood without the luxury of a partner.
She’d dated before, but she never had an actual boyfriend; no one she really cared about enough to continue seeing. Which was low, she knew. But it was the truth.
And her of all people knew the truth hurt.
She crumpled up the cupcake wrapper, tossing it somewhere in her already messing room.
She licked the excess frosting from her fingers before changing into her pajamas.
She climbed under her covers, pulling her knees up to her chest and hugging a pillow tightly before falling fast asleep.
Notes:
yay chapter 2!!!! hope you enjoy <3
relevant listening:
keep the rain - searows
elementary school - delaney bailey
Chapter 3: your needs, my needs
Summary:
“Was this how it was always going to be? Zane never listened to, never given a second thought?”
“And as long as Nana was lying to her best friend, she would let the guilt consume her and do anything Katelyn asked.”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“Promise me you’ll call,” Zane’s mother said, hugging him tightly.
“I promise, Mom.” Zane rolled his eyes, pulling away from her.
“That’s what you said last time!” She wagged her finger in his face. “But only Garroth and Vylad did. Even Vylad! Who’s halfway across the country.”
Zane felt his mood dampen, the way it always did after he was incessantly compared to his brothers.
“I promise,” he said again, shoving his hands into the pockets of his jeans.
“Good.” His mother kissed him on his cheek, waving goodbye as her and his father drove away.
“How was work?” Garroth asked him as the two made their way home.
“It was fine,” Zane responded, rolling his shoulders and cracking his neck — anything to rid himself of the constant soreness he found there.
Garroth nodded, running a hand through his perfect golden locks; the same ones that matched the brothers’ father’s.
“Listen,” Garroth started, fidgeting nervously with his hair. “I’m hosting a bit of a get-together tonight.”
Zane rolled his eyes, expecting his annoyance to flare up but no; it was disappointment.
Zane had told Garroth multiple times how uncomfortable he was in crowds. How nervous he got.
But Garroth never listened.
“How big is this get-together?” Zane asked as the two made their way through their front door.
“The whole neighborhood,” Garroth responded sheepishly. “And then some.”
Zane studied his brother for a moment. Was this how it was always going to be? Zane never listened to, never given a second thought? Just Garroth’s annoying younger brother, who no one cared to pay attention to when the brothers were in the same room.
Zane opened his mouth to say something, but decided against it. He shook his head and stomped his way upstairs, all the way to his bedroom.
————————————
“Kawaii-Chan!”
Nana blinked herself awake, straining to make out the silhouette standing over her.
“KC, wake up!” Katelyn said, her blue hair practically glowing against Nana’s dark room.
“What time is it?” Nana yawned, reaching out to grab her phone that was charging on her bedside table.
“It’s only 10 o’clock.” Katelyn shrugged.
10? Nana thought. I’ve only been asleep for an hour, then.
“Garroth is having a party,” Katelyn explained.
“So?” Nana yawned again, sitting up in her bed, her eyes adjusting to the dark.
“We were invited!” Katelyn laughed, throwing her arms up as if it were obvious. “Do you want to come?”
She didn’t. She really didn’t.
She wanted to keep sleeping, keep blocking out the world in which she knew she had no place in.
“Please come,” Katelyn begged.
And that was enough.
Nana cared about her roommate and best friend.
So even though she didn’t want to, even though she was still fighting off drowsiness as she threw on a new outfit,
she went.
The two roommates (plus Travis) walked across the street and up the porch steps to Garroth, Zane, and Laurance’s front door.
The bass boosted music vibrated the floor beneath Nana’s feet, traveling up through her body and settling into her chest.
Katelyn knocked loudly and a few seconds later, Garroth opened the door, his hair sticking up in odd places and a red solo cup in his hand.
“Hey!” He smiled. “You guys made it!”
“Wouldn’t miss one of your awesome parties,” Travis laughed, entering the house with Katelyn close behind.
Nana entered last, her ears twitching at the copious amount of noise everywhere in the house.
She looked around, scanning each room for a familiar face: she saw Aphmau and her boyfriend Aaron in the kitchen, Laurance, Gene, and Garroth in the living room, and Dante, Travis, Katelyn, Lucinda, and Kim already setting up a game of beer pong.
There were lots of other people too, bumping past Nana and obscuring her view of anywhere else.
She pressed herself against the front door, heart rate increasing in her bass-boosted chest.
She wanted to run. She wanted to go home and hide under her covers and never come out.
But Katelyn was here. Katelyn wanted her here.
And as long as Nana was lying to her best friend, she would let the guilt consume her and do anything Katelyn asked.
She pulled herself away from the door, maneuvering through the many bodies around her to get to the kitchen.
She just wanted some water. Maybe that would help.
She plucked a red solo cup off the stack and filled it up with lukewarm tap water.
She took a sip, leaning back against the sink and running a hand through her hair.
“Kawaii-Chan!”
She looked up, Aphmau’s bright amber eyes meeting hers.
She took a quick breath, mentally switching into what she called Kawaii-Chan mode.
“Aphmau-Senpai!” She willed her lips to smile.
“I didn’t know you’d be here. You usually fall asleep super early,” Aphmau laughed, leaning back into her boyfriend.
“Katelyn-Sama wanted Kawaii-Chan to come!” Nana sang.
“Well, we’re glad you’re here. Right Aaron?” Aphmau asked her boyfriend.
“Yeah, it’s good to see you KC.” He nodded towards her in greeting.
“Aphmau, Aaron! Wanna challenge us at beer pong?” Travis yelled across the kitchen.
“You’re on!” Aaron laughed, grabbing his girlfriend’s hand and pulling her towards the game.
Nana sighed, setting the cup of water down and rubbing at her tired eyes.
She needed to get out. She just needed a minute alone.
She turned to her left, bumping shoulders with strangers as she exited the kitchen and made her way down front hallway.
She could see the transparent glass doors only a few feet ahead of her; the quiet, dark night.
She hurried over, hand outstretched, and turned the doorknob.
She all but slammed the door behind her, breathing a sigh of relief as the chirping of crickets drowned out the loud music from inside.
She sat down on the steps of the back porch, resting her elbows on her knees and burying her face in her hands.
She counted back from 20, breathing in and out slowly as she pulled her hands away from her face.
“Nothing to get worked up over,” she told herself, brushing her choppy bangs out of her eyes. “Not a big deal.”
But it was a big deal. It would always be a big deal.
Nana was tired. No, she was exhausted.
She just wanted to be herself; whoever that was.
Notes:
HEYYY hope you like this chapter! it’s going to start picking up from here on out. comments and kudos are appreciated <3 im still trying to figure out ao3 so there might be some glitches here and there!
see you friday!
relevant listening:
your needs, my needs - noah kahan
honey, it’s alright - gregory alan isakov
Chapter 4: do you see?
Summary:
“Zane realized he was staring then, but he almost didn’t want to stop.”
“And there he was again, his face constantly replaying his her head. . .”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zane didn’t know where to go.
His black, long-sleeved turtleneck was choking him.
His binder was pressed uncomfortably against his ribs, restricting his breathing more so than usual.
His mask usually helped, but right now, it was just another constant reminder that he couldn’t breathe.
The obnoxiously loud music overloaded his senses, overwhelming him in a way so horrid that he thought he was dying.
Of course, he knew he wasn’t. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he was aware this was just a panic attack. Nothing he hadn’t dealt with before.
But still, he couldn’t breathe.
He tore his mask off, anxiously tugging at the fabric of his shirt around his neck. He needed out. He just needed a minute of silence.
He opened his door with much more force than intended. It slammed against his wall, startling a couple that was making out at the top of the stairs.
He pushed past them, almost tripping down the stairs before turning the corner and shoving his way towards the back porch doors.
He turned the knob, letting himself out and slamming it behind him.
“Fuck,” he cursed, grabbing at his chest in an attempt to slow his beating heart. “C’mon Zane, fi-five things you can see.”
He grabbed onto the house, sliding down the wall next to the doors. He hugged his knees to his chest, trembling.
He closed his eyes, pressing his forehead against his knees and willing himself to calm down.
“Zane?”
He looked up.
Sitting on the steps in front of him was Kawaii-Chan, her pink eyebrows raised in concern.
“Are you okay?” she asked, making a move to stand up.
“Do—don’t,” he stuttered. “Don’t come near me, please.”
She held her arms up in surrender, sitting back down. “I won’t.”
Zane closed his eyes again, his grip on reality slowly slipping.
“What’s your favorite color?” she asked.
“What?” His eyes snapped open again.
“Your favorite color,” she insisted. “What is it?”
His eyebrows furrowed, his breath very slowly calming down. “It’s. . it’s blue.”
Her eyebrows climbed farther up her forehead. “It is?”
Zane nodded.
“That’s surprising.” Her lips curled up into a small smile. “I thought it’d be black.”
“I like black.” Zane nodded again, his arms loosening around his legs. “But blue is my favorite.”
“Why’s that?” She cocked her head.
“Why is your favorite color pink?” he shot back.
“I just like it,” she laughed.
“Exactly.” He felt one corner of his mouth tug into a small smile.
Zane let his legs drop, stretching them out in front of him.
He closed his eyes, breathing in deeply and slowly letting it go.
When he opened his eyes again, Kawaii-Chan was staring back at him, her eyes wide in curiosity.
“I’m sorry,” he muttered, a flush climbing up his neck and to his cheeks.
He felt uncomfortable. Vulnerable. Exposed.
And not just because he wasn’t wearing his mask.
Which he realized then; that he wasn’t wearing his mask.
His face was fully visible in front of Kawaii-Chan, someone he barely even knew.
“It’s okay.” She nodded, smiling sweetly, sincerely.
“I get them, sometimes,” he said. “Panic attacks,” he added.
She nodded again. “So do I.”
The sentence was so short that Zane didn’t even realize she’d dropped the third-person act.
Zane didn’t know why he was opening up to her like this. Maybe it was because she talked him off a ledge?
Or maybe it was how she was looking at him; so different than how she’d ever looked at him before.
In fact, she was acting extremely different than how she’d ever acted before.
She was calmer, quieter, almost more reserved. Her body language was different too; her shoulders caved in around her chest, as if she were protecting herself.
Zane realized he was staring then, but he almost didn’t want to stop.
A small part of him wanted to stay out there forever and learn everything about her.
This her, not the normal Kawaii-Chan.
Although, the way she was acting made him question if this was the normal Kawaii-Chan.
“Baby brother!” Garroth’s loud voice yelled on the other side of the porch doors. Zane tensed.
The doors opened and Garroth poked his head out.
“Oh, hey Kawaii-Chan!” Garroth smiled and Zane held his breath, hoping he wouldn’t look down.
Zane glanced at Kawaii-Chan, silently begging her to get him away.
He watched as her whole demeanor changed: her shoulders stiffened, her ears perked up, and her lips settled into their usual wide smile.
“Hi, Garroth-Kun!” she said, her voice tainted with sugar.
“Have you seen Zane?” Garroth asked.
Her eyes dared a glance in Zane’s direction, but returned to Garroth’s just as fast.
“I haven’t.” She shook her head. “Sorry!”
“No worries,” Garroth chuckled. “If you see him, would you tell him that I’m looking for him?”
“Of course!” Kawaii-Chan nodded.
“Thanks!” Garroth nodded goodbye and went back inside, shutting the door behind him.
Zane let out a large sigh of relief. “Thank you.”
“Kawaii-Chan should— Er,” she cleared her throat. “ I should probably go.”
Zane took note of how fast she could change. It intrigued him, made him want to know more.
The two almost-strangers stood up, an awkward silence settling among them.
“Well.” Zane cleared his throat. “Thanks again.”
Kawaii-Chan nodded, her ears relaxing as she smiled softly at Zane. “Any time.”
Zane reached for the door, holding it open for her as an impulsive act of chivalry.
“Goodnight, Zane.” She hesitantly, placed her hand on his arm.
Zane expected himself to tense, to cringe away; the way he usually did with physical contact.
But he didn’t.
“Goodnight, Kawaii-Chan,” he said, his voice lower than he expected.
Her bright, yellow eyes searched his for a moment, narrowing slightly in curiosity.
She removed her hand, giving a small wave as she walked back into the house.
Zane closed the door behind her, stepping forward to sit down on the steps Kawaii-Chan had just been on.
He placed his right hand over where her’s had just been.
Zane wasn’t sure if he was imagining it, but he swore his arm felt warmer than it did before.
————————————
“Katelyn.” Nana tapped her best friend on the shoulder, not even bothering to Kawaii-Chan-ify her name. “I’m going home.”
“Already?” Katelyn asked, pouting slightly.
“I’m really tired.” Nana nodded.
“Okay. . . I’ll see you tomorrow, then?” Katelyn asked.
“Yeah.” Nana nodded again, hugging her best friend goodbye quickly before hurrying out the front door.
With each step taken away from Garroth’s house, Nana felt more and more like herself.
Whoever that was.
She tried to shake the night away, rid herself of the nagging feeling in her brain; but she couldn’t.
She couldn’t stop thinking about Zane: how different he had acted towards her, how different he seemed.
Nana had known him since high school — almost a decade — but she never really knew him.
And she didn’t now, she reminded herself as she unlocked her front door and stepped inside.
She didn’t know him. What she did know was how cold, distant, and rude he could be.
But she also knew that none of that was reflected in what she just saw.
He was having a panic attack , she thought. Of course he wasn’t worried about how he was acting.
But Nana wasn’t having a panic attack, and she wasn’t worried either.
She wasn’t second guessing everything she said, the way she did when she was Kawaii-Chan.
She wasn’t rambling, over-sharing, or being excessively hyper.
In other words, she was being herself.
She was Nana with him, even if Zane hadn’t realized.
And there he was again, his face constantly replaying in her head: the snake bite piercings she had no idea he had, and the constellation of freckles across the bridge of his nose and his cheeks.
She lined her shoes up neatly by the door once more and hurried upstairs.
She changed back into her pajamas and climbed back under her covers, adjusting herself to the same position she had fallen asleep in hours before.
“I get them, sometimes. Panic attacks.”
“So do I.”
Her own voice rang back in her ears.
She hadn’t given it a second thought; referring to herself like that in front of him.
She hadn’t even worried about it until now.
His favorite color is blue? She, thought, scoffing to herself.
There was so much she didn’t know about Zane Ro’meave.
So much she suddenly wanted to.
Notes:
CHAPTER 4!!!! trans zane is so real. hope y’all enjoy this one! it’s one of my faves :3 comments and kudos are appreciated <3 see you tuesday!
relevant listening:
ashes - kevin atwater
being seen - ariyel
Chapter 5: i don’t trust this thing in my chest
Summary:
“It was disappointing, really. How Zane had spent so much of his life being annoyed by someone he barely even knew — someone he only hung out with because she was just /there/.”
“A million questions laid on the tip of her tongue . . . she wanted to know everything about him.”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“‘Night guys!” Garroth waved goodbye to Travis and Katelyn, closing the door behind the last leaving guests.
Zane stood in the hallway, arms crossed against his chest, leaning against the wall.
The party had thankfully started to die down right after Kawaii-Chan had left Zane.
He had watched her walk away, her black tail swishing behind her.
He watched her transform back into how she acted with everyone else.
It was disappointing, really. How Zane had spent so much of his life being annoyed by someone he barely even knew — someone he only hung out with because she was just there .
Now, he’d do anything to hang out with her again; to see her as who she was with him again.
“Sorry, baby brother.” Garroth scratched at the back of his neck.
Zane shook his head, thankful he had put his mask back on to hide the disappointed frown on his face.
“Do you mind helping clean up a bit?” Garroth asked, bending down to pick up a forgotten red solo cup.
Zane scoffed.
Did he mind ?
Of course he minded.
He thought about saying more, about finally coming clean to his older brother about how he felt.
Instead, he nodded, climbing up the stairs without another word.
He made it to his bedroom and closed the door behind him, breathing a sigh of relief as he unhooked his mask from his ears.
He set it down on his dresser to be cleaned the next morning and began changing into his pajamas.
He crossed his arms, hooking his hands underneath his turtleneck and yanking it over his head.
He dared a glance in the mirror; it was dark in his room and he couldn’t really see his pale binder against his paler skin, but he knew it was there.
He unclasped the belt around his waist, pulling it out of his jean loops.
He rolled it up, leaving it on his dresser neatly next to his mask, and then unbuttoned his pants.
He pulled them down his legs, yanking them off his ankles and tossing them along with his turtleneck into his laundry basket.
He glanced in the mirror again, eyes tracing over his body.
He had tattoos almost covering the entirety of his left arm. Most were from him practicing on himself, but a few were ones he’d really taken the time to do.
He didn’t like his body, really. At least, he didn’t until he started tattooing.
That’s what he’d told his family. Or rather, what he tried to.
They didn’t really understand. Garroth and Vylad tried to, and his mom made sure he knew that she loved him no matter what.
But his dad? That was a whole other story.
He had never liked his dad too much. The vague memories Zane had of Garte were of him yelling at Zane, blaming him when his brothers were in distress.
And then, of course, there was his reaction to Zane coming out.
He wasn’t homophobic, per se, he was just. . close minded.
So when Zane told him he was a boy, that he wanted to be called Zane, well. . he didn’t take it too well.
Zane blinked, surprised to find his eyes slightly damp.
He didn’t like to blame people unfairly, not anymore — despite his rather closed-off personality, Zane had matured over the years — but the one person he could blame justly was his father.
Zane shook his head, almost to shake the thoughts out. The night had been too long already for him to be thinking of this.
He spun around so he couldn’t see his reflection and reached behind himself, stripping his binder off of him and throwing it into his laundry basket.
He didn’t dare look down, just grabbed his pajamas that were folded neatly on his bed and changed into them.
He took a deep, unrestricted breath. He reached behind his head and took his shaggy hair out of the small ponytail it had been in all day.
He felt the dead, choppy ends tickle his shoulders as he finger combed through it, climbing into his bed and under the covers.
He laid down on his side, hugging his knees to his chest.
He thought of Kawaii-Chan again; how she had seen him in almost the exact same position an hour prior.
“I get them, sometimes. Panic attacks.”
“So do I.”
Her voice rang in his ears.
“ I should be going.”
What was it, then? He asked himself. What made her act so differently around others?
He closed his eyes, let the feel of his bed and the thoughts of the pink-haired stranger lull him to sleep.
————————————
“My head is killing me,” Katelyn groaned, taking a large sip of the water she was holding.
Nana laughed, joining her best friend on one of their couches.
“That’s why Kawaii-Chan doesn’t drink!”
Katelyn chuckled, grabbing the TV remote and switching the TV on.
“What do you wanna watch?”
“Katelyn-Sama can pick.” Kawaii-Chan smiled, brushing her hair off her shoulders.
Katelyn flipped to a channel and the two girls sat in comfortable silence, both laughing at the jokes said on the screen.
“Hey,” Katelyn started, turning the volume down. “Think it’d be okay if we hosted a game night tonight?”
“Sounds fun!” Nana lied, nodding excitedly at her friend.
“Cool! I was gonna invite everyone over at like. . 6?” Katelyn asked, checking the time on her phone.
“Kawaii-Chan will bake sweets!” Nana stood up, excited for the excuse to bake.
“Ooh, can you make some of those cupcakes again? The ones you made last week?” Katelyn asked. “I ate the last one earlier,” she added, smiling sheepishly.
“Of course, Katelyn-Sama.” Nana nodded, hurrying over to the kitchen.
She pulled out all the ingredients and then tied up her hair into a low ponytail that swished against her back as she moved; just like her tail did.
She washed her hands, tied her apron around her torso, and then began to bake.
She didn’t even realize how much time had passed until the doorbell rang.
She checked the clock on their oven; already 5:57? How did that happen?
She finished plating the cupcakes, shaking a few more sprinkles over their frosting tops before cleaning up the kitchen.
She hung up her apron just as more and more voices filled the house.
“Kawaii-Chan,” her roommate called. “Get in here!”
Nana took a deep breath, taking her hair out of its ponytail and running her hands through it a few times. She rubbed at her eyes, brushing some stray flour off her clothes, and grabbed the plate of cupcakes.
She spun on her heel, heading towards their living room.
“There she is!” Katelyn smiled up at her. “And you brought the cupcakes!”
Nana surveyed the room; thankfully, it seemed to be the usual crew: Aphmau, Aaron, Travis, Dante, Lucinda, Kim, Garroth, Laurence, and Zane.
There he was again, arms crossed against his chest, shoulders hunched slightly in a way that couldn’t possibly be comfortable.
His mask was secured tightly over his face, hiding away his piercings and freckles; everything Nana had gotten to see the night before.
His eyes were trained on the plate of cupcakes she was holding — the one visible eyebrow she could see was raised in curiosity.
“Here Kawaii-Chan is!” Nana said, tearing her gaze from Zane and focusing it on Katelyn. “With the cupcakes,” she added, giggling.
She set the plate on the coffee table, stepping away and watching as her friends immediately made moves to grab a cupcake.
She smiled, proud of her work even though she hadn’t even tasted it yet.
When everyone had stepped away, satisfied with their cupcakes, she made a move to grab one herself.
“Oh.” Zane stepped back, pulling his hand to his side. “You can have it.”
Nana glanced between the cupcake and the boy. Her stomach grumbled and she hoped he couldn’t hear.
“No!” She shook her head, stepping away. “You can have it. I make them all the time.”
She hoped no one was paying enough attention to hear her slip up.
“A—Are you sure?” Zane stuttered.
Nana nodded, smiling softly at him. Secretly — subconsciously or consciously — she wanted to see if he would like it.
He grabbed the cupcake, pulling the liner away and crumpling it in his hand.
She watched as he unhooked his mask from one of his ears, the black fabric dangling lazily over his shoulder.
Her eyes traced over his face, lingering on his lip piercings as he took a bite of the cupcake.
She watched him close his eyes, his brow furrowed together as he chewed.
She held her breath, hands crossed tightly together in anticipation.
“Wow,” he breathed, his throat bobbing as he swallowed. “That’s a really good cupcake, Kawaii-Chan.”
She smiled, letting out the breath she was holding. “Really? You like it?”
Zane nodded, his cheeks reddening slightly.
“Okay!” Katelyn clapped, startling the two. “Who’s ready for some games?”
The neighbors huddled around the coffee table, each finding a spot to sit.
The couch filled up quickly; Aphmau and Aaron huddling close together, Garroth and Laurance next to them.
Dante sat opposite the coffee table, Lucinda and Kim huddled together on his right. Nana took her seat next to him, her gaze darting towards Zane to see where he would end up.
Their eyes locked for a moment and both blushed with embarrassment.
Hesitantly, Zane took a seat diagonal from Nana, their knees just barely brushing.
“I was thinking we could start with Uno?” Katelyn asked.
Everyone murmured in agreement, bouncing excitedly in their seats.
Katelyn looked underneath the coffee table, where her and Nana usually kept the games.
“KC, where’s the Uno deck?” she asked, sitting up straight and cocking her head at Nana.
“Didn’t we just have it?” Nana asked. “The other week. We were playing with Aphmau.”
“In your room,” Katelyn snapped a finger gun at her. “Mind going to grab it?”
“Kawaii-Chan doesn’t mind!” She stood up, brushing herself off. “Be back in a sec!”
She turned towards the stairs, taking them two at a time before making it to her room.
She kicked around the piles of clothes, muttering to herself as she looked for the red box of cards.
She checked her dresser, closet, and underneath her bed before finding it hiding in plain sight on her bedside table.
“Aha!” She grabbed the box. “Found it.”
She turned around, humming triumphantly as she exited her bedroom.
Much to her surprise, she found Zane standing at the top of the stairs.
“Oh!” She jumped, holding her free hand to her chest. “You scared Kawaii-Chan!”
“Sorry.” He shook his head, embarrassed. “I was just looking for the bathroom.”
Nana pointed to the door directly on his left.
“Guess I didn’t look hard enough.” He laughed awkwardly, making a move to scratch the back of his neck.
His hand only made it halfway before he stopped, hissing in pain.
“Are you okay?” Nana asked, eyebrows drawing together in concern.
“Um, y—yeah,” he stuttered, slowly dropping his arm to his side. “I’m just really sore.”
Nana chewed on her bottom lip, her eyes descending onto his shoulders, hunched awkwardly inward and slightly shrugged.
“I could. . .” She let her voice die off, a flush climbing her neck. “I could help you, if you wanted?”
She watched Zane’s one visible eye widen slightly, the bridge of his nose turning a bright pink; one she could see even in the dark of the hallway.
“Only if you want!” She quickly backtracked, voice rising up an octave as her embarrassment grew. “I—I’m sorry, that was a stupid thing to say!”
“No.” Zane cleared his throat. “If you’re offering. . . I—I mean, that’s fine.”
She nodded once, quickly, before pushing her way back through her bedroom door, beckoning him inside.
She watched as he stood in the doorway, hands braced on either side. He scanned the room quickly and Nana immediately regretted inviting him in; she’d forgotten how messy it was.
“You can sit right there!” she said, raising her voice to try and distract him from the mess and pointing to the ground at the foot of her bed.
He gave her a slight nod, stepping into her room and sitting at the foot of her bed, facing her closet on the far left wall.
She abandoned the deck of Uno cards on her bed, mentally cursing herself for offering this so impulsively.
With a quick deep breath, she made the move to sit behind him.
She’d done this for Katelyn plenty of times before. Why should this be different?
She didn’t say anything else — didn’t want to potentially scare him off — just braced her hands gently on his shoulders.
She felt him tense beneath her, his shoulders hunching farther forward.
“I—I don’t have to if—“ she stuttered, lifting her hands up.
“No.” He straightened, staring straight ahead. “Y—You can.”
She replaced her hands, chewing on the inside of her cheek nervously as she gently pressed her thumbs into his skin.
“Is this okay?” she asked, her voice bordering on a whisper.
He nodded, head cocking slightly to the side as Nana pressed deeper into his skin.
Her hands cascaded downwards, fingers working methodically in an attempt to smooth out the knots in Zane’s back.
She felt something beneath his shirt; some thicker fabric that seemed to cut off halfway down his back.
She felt him tense beneath her again as she lightly traced the hem of it, her fingers leaving featherlight touches on his ribs.
He relaxed once more, leaning back into her slightly so that her knees pressed gently into either side of his back.
Her hands rose up his back, focusing once more on his shoulders. His head lolled on his neck, the tips of his black hair tickling Nana’s fingers.
She let her hands slide slowly down his arms, tracing the dips and curves of his muscles with her fingertips.
“Zane,” she breathed, hands stalling halfway down his arms.
A million questions laid on the tip of her tongue.
She wanted to know more about him.
She wanted to know everything about him.
“Oh shit.”
The pair jumped, Nana scrambling away from Zane.
Travis stood in the doorway, green eyes wide and practically glowing against the dark of Nana’s room.
“Didn’t mean to, um. .” He laughed, eyes flicking back and forth between Nana and Zane. “Interrupt.”
“Y—You’re not!” Nana laughed nervously, standing up and brushing herself off. “Wh—What’s up Travis-Kun?”
“Just wondering if you found that Uno deck,” he asked, eyeing Zane as he stood up.
Shit , Nana thought.
“Kawaii-Chan completely forgot!” she said, grabbing the deck of cards off her bed, thankful she caught herself before she slipped up.
“Aye, no problem, KC.” Travis waved her off. “Think you two are ready to come down now?” he asked, his tone tainted with suggestiveness.
“Uh-huh.” Nana nodded, daring a final glance at Zane before she followed Travis downstairs.
She felt her heart beating out of her chest, each badump in time with her footsteps.
Her hands tingled, fingertips cold at the absence of Zane’s body heat.
Her and Travis descended the stairs. 8 pairs of eyes immediately flew to Nana. She reddened at the attention.
“Finally,” Katelyn groaned, taking the deck from Nana’s hands.
“Sorry,” Nana muttered absentmindedly.
She glanced towards the stairs, anxiously waiting for Zane to reemerge.
What was I thinking? she thought. You are such an idiot, Nana.
Such an idiot.
Notes:
longer chapter today!! this one is heavily inspired by another zana fic i read that i cannot find again for the LIFE of me. just know the massage wasn’t originally my idea :3! i’ve said it before but i’ll say it again: trans zane is SO REAL. n e ways! hope you guys enjoyed this one and i’ll see you friday!!
relevant listening:
breathing - henrik
(you) on my arm - leith ross
Chapter 6: spill it open
Summary:
“‘I get it . . . I feel like you and I have more in common than we think.’”
“Nana felt guilty . . . she felt the guilt clawing at her insides, climbing its way up her throat until she thought she might throw up.”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zane clutched his chest, heaving a breath as he watched Kawaii-Chan and Travis walk downstairs.
He couldn’t believe that had just happened.
What even just happened?
She’d touched him with such tenderness, as if worried he’d break. She’d said his name in a way he’d never heard anyone say his name before.
He’d felt her breath on the back of his neck; it sent a shiver down his spine.
Suddenly, he thought he was going to be sick.
What was happening?
Why was he feeling this way?
He’d never felt this way with anyone before, and he didn’t even know the girl who had just had her hands up and down his back.
He stepped out of Kawaii-Chan’s room, attempting a calming breath before going into the bathroom; he really did have to go.
He washed his hands, the cold water calming the hotness in his cheeks.
He glanced at himself in the mirror, standing sideways so that he could examine his torso.
He thought he looked pretty flat, but did he really? What if Kawaii-Chan didn’t think so?
She touched it and didn’t say anything, he thought to himself.
None of them knew, really — no one but Aphmau and Zane’s brother.
He usually liked it that way, but now he just felt like he was lying. He knew that he didn’t owe anyone an explanation, really. . .
But something about Kawaii-Chan. . . he just wanted her to know.
“Baby brother!” Garroth’s voice called from downstairs, slightly muffled through the bathroom door. “Get down here! We’re about to start.”
Zane took a final breath, fixing his hair quickly before exiting the bathroom and climbing down the stairs.
He could feel her eyes on him as he sat down next to her — though he didn’t dare look her way.
Katelyn dealt the cards, tossing Zane’s haphazardly into his lap, and then they started the game.
He held his cards firmly in his hands; relieved for the excuse to do something with them other than fidget nervously.
He kept stealing glances at Kawaii-Chan, more than few times not realizing it was his turn as his eyes traced over the curves and arches of her face.
Should he talk to her? Apologize for. . whatever that was?
But he didn’t want to apologize. As much as it terrified him to admit, he enjoyed it.
“Zane.” He looked up at Aphmau. “It’s your turn.”
He cleared his throat, surveying his cards quickly before putting one on top of the pile.
Kawaii-Chan was next. He watched her as her eyes scanned over the cards. Her eyebrows were furrowed in concentration, her teeth grazing over her bottom lip.
Not that he was looking at her lips.
He felt himself blush and he tore his eyes away from her, training his gaze on the pile in front of him.
“Uno!” she sang as she placed her second to last card down.
“What?!” Katelyn shrieked. “How?”
“Zane-Kun kept placing number cards,” she giggled, glancing at him. “He never put any plus 2’s or 4’s.”
Zane reddened, glancing at his cards. Sure enough, all he had left were plus 2’s and a plus 4. Had he subconsciously not been giving them to her?
“Interesting,” Travis quipped, eyes flitting between Zane and Kawaii-Chan.
The pairs’ eyes widened, a blush climbing their cheeks. Neither dared to look at the other.
“My turn!” Dante announced, placing a card down.
The game went rather smoothly after that. Kawaii-Chan came in first, bouncing around excitedly. Without realizing — thankful he had his mask on — it made Zane smile.
“This game sucks,” Aphmau groaned, throwing the rest of her cards down after Katelyn came in second.
“Agreed,” Zane nodded.
“Sore losers!” Kawaii-Chan laughed, sticking her tongue out at Aphmau.
“Yeah, don’t blame KC. She’s unnaturally good at card games,” Katelyn laughed, collecting the rest of the cards into a pile.
“You’re just saying that ‘cause you’re unnaturally bad.” Lucinda shrugged, a playful smile on her lips.
“What’d you say?!” Katelyn narrowed her eyes at Lucinda.
“Calm down, babe,” Travis laughed. “It’s just a game.”
“Don’t ‘calm down, babe’ me!” Katelyn turned her attention to her boyfriend. “You always do this, Travis. You always tell me to calm down when I have every right to-“
“I didn’t mean it like that!” He held his hands up in surrender.
“And now you’re interrupting me.” Katelyn crossed her arms against her chest.
“I think we should go. .” Aphmau muttered, standing up from the couch.
“Good idea,” Kim agreed.
Zane glanced at Kawaii-Chan. He didn’t want to leave.
“Don’t leave Kawaii-Chan alone with them!” Kawaii-Chan groaned, dragging her hands down her face.
“Sorry, KC.” Lucinda smiled sheepishly, patting the meif’wa on the head before following the crowd out the door.
“Zane,” Garroth called to him from the front door. “You coming?”
Zane glanced at the coffee table, the bickering couple, and Kawaii-Chan. “I’m gonna stay and, uh, help clean up.”
“Suit yourself.” Garroth shrugged. “See you at home,” he said before shutting the door behind him.
“They won’t notice anyone left for a while,” Kawaii-Chan yawned, standing up and grabbing a few empty glasses that were on the coffee table.
“Do they fight a lot?” Zane asked, hesitantly following the meif’wa to her kitchen.
“Sometimes. .” She shrugged, placing the cups in the sink with a clink .
She leaned backwards onto the counter, hands braced on either side of her as she stared up at Zane.
“Um,” he cleared his throat. “Thanks for. . earlier.”
Kawaii-Chan reddened, her eyes widening. “Oh! It was, um, no problem! I’m happy to help.”
There it is again , Zane thought.
Why was she comfortable enough around Zane to refer to herself differently? What made him so special?
“Kawaii-Chan,” he started, wringing his hands together uncomfortably. “How come. . . um, how come you. . I— I don’t know, like, drop the act around me?”
Her eyebrows furrowed. “What act?”
“You sort of act. . differently around me,” he said, shrugging slightly.
“There’s no ‘act’,” she used quotation marks, crossing her arms together. “Do you not like how I act?”
“That’s not what I meant,” he said, shaking his head, eyes widening.
“Then what did you mean, Zane?” she choked out, bottom lip quivering.
Was he making a girl cry?
Was he making Kawaii-Chan cry?!
“You think it’s easy?” She barked a laugh. “You think it’s fun?! I— I don’t even know where I end and Kawaii-Chan begins.” She stopped, eyes wide, fingers touching her lips as if she were surprised at what she had just said.
“What does that mean?” Zane asked, taking a small step closer to her.
“Nothing.” She shook her head, dropping her eyes to the kitchen floor. “It’s nothing.”
Zane felt like he owed her something; felt like he owed it to her to be vulnerable willingly.
“I get it,” he said softly, his stomach churning with susceptibility. “I— I mean, I don’t know what ‘it’ is yet, but. . . I feel like you and I have more in common than we think.”
She looked up at him, lips parted in question, eyes glossed over with tears.
“I just. . . I just mean that if you want to — if you need to — you can talk to me,” he said, biting on his tongue as he scanned her face for a reaction.
He wished he could know what she was thinking.
Her mouth opened and closed a few times, her eyes scanning the ceiling for what to say. “ I have 11 other siblings,” she finally settled on.
Zane stared at her for a moment, confused as to how that related to the situation.
“Growing up, I was constantly confused with them because of our identical hair and eye color,” she explained, looking anywhere but at Zane. “As I got older, it became a mixture of confusion and comparison; I was incessantly compared to my older and younger siblings. Whether it was how much they’d achieved and how little I had, or how successful and independent they were while I was just. . . not. I was. . . I— I was never enough.”
“Kawaii-Chan,” Zane said softly, his eyebrows knitted together.
Of course she was enough.
How could she not see that?
“So,” she cleared her throat. “The summer before high school, I wanted to make a change. I was really into this manga at the time about a really cute, unique girl named Kawaii-Cookie. She inspired me to start changing bits of myself in order to stand out. In turn, I started going by Kawaii-Chan, speaking in third person, devoting my time to baking and crafting, and. . now I’m here.” She finished, finally locking eyes with Zane.
She looked exhausted, like she’d never rested from pretending all the time.
“Kawaii-Chan,” he said again, desperate to stop her from frowning. “I— I’m really sorry you had to— wait.” He shook his head, confused. “You said you started going by Kawaii-Chan. Is that not your real name?”
Her eyes widened, shoulders straightening as she looked up at him.
“Kawaii-Chan!” Katelyn yelled from the room over, startling the pair. “Get in here and tell Travis I could take him in a fight any day!”
“Coming!” she sang, voice rising up an octave. “You— You should go, Zane-Kun.”
Zane cringed. Had he ruined everything by pushing her? ” Kawaii-Chan, hold on—“
“Thank you for listening,” she said, eyes trained to the floor once more. “But really, I think you should go.”
“I was incessantly compared to my older and younger siblings,” she’d said.
I get it, he wanted to shout. I get you.
But she was exhausted, he could tell. The least he could do was let her rest.
“I— I understand,” he said, nodding once. “Goodnight, Kawaii-Chan.”
“Goodnight, Zane.”
————————————
Nana spit toothpaste into the sink, washing off her toothbrush and tapping it against the marble before placing it in its holder.
She picked up her hairbrush, running it gently through her hair.
“Is that not your real name?”
Zane’s voice repeated in her head; the confused look on his face. Like she was a stranger. Like he didn’t even know her.
And he didn’t . She had to keep reminding herself.
Although , she considered, I guess now he sort of does.
“KC, hurry uuuuuppppp,” Travis whined through the door, knocking on it a few times.
After he and Katelyn had calmed down, he was invited to sleepover. Nana didn’t know why he didn’t just move in; he was already here most of the time.
She set her brush back down, a few stray pink hairs floating to the floor.
She turned the doorknob, opening the door and stepping out.
“Thank Irene,” Travis groaned.
Nana giggled despite herself, taking the two steps to her bedroom.
“Hey, KC,” Travis started. “What were you and Zane doing earlier?”
Nana reddened, her eyes widening.
“I just mean, was is worthy enough for me to blackmail him for? I really want to tattoo someone and he won’t let me,” he explained.
Nana racked her brain for something to say, something Kawaii-Chan would say; something light hearted and sweet.
“I guess you don’t have to tell me,” Travis laughed. “I’ll probably blackmail him anyway,” he said before Nana heard the door shut behind her.
She let out the breath she wasn’t aware she was holding.
“You were with Zane earlier?”
Nana turned towards the voice. Katelyn stood in the doorway of her bedroom, eyebrow cocked, arms crossed against her chest.
“Kawaii-Chan was showing him the bathroom!” she said, laughing nervously.
“Why would Travis blackmail him for you showing him the bathroom?” Katelyn pressed.
“Kawaii-Chan doesn’t know what you’re talking about, Katelyn-Sama!” Nana laughed again, inching farther into her bedroom.
Katelyn hummed, shaking her head as she headed into her bedroom.
Nana exhaled, closing her door behind her.
She balled her fists, rubbing at her eyes as she yawned.
She had a sickening feeling in her gut, one she recognized all too well: guilt. Nana felt guilty. She always did, but right now was different. Right now, she felt the guilt clawing at her insides, climbing its way up her throat until she thought she might throw up.
She braced herself against her closed door, closing her eyes and holding her free hand to her stomach.
“You sort of act. . differently around me.”
She did. Nana knew she acted differently around Zane. She could chalk it up to helping him during a time of need, but deep down, she knew the truth.
She’d always acted differently around him, ever since high school — since they were sat next to each other in home room, forced to spend an hour together every morning.
They never spoke to each other; neither of them tried.
But Nana wanted to. She was curious, even then: curious about what he looked like without his mask, why he acted so closed off, why he avoided his brothers at all costs, why he was obsessed with belonging .
And then it clicked.
“I feel like you and I have more in common than we think.”
“Oh,” she said softly, opening her eyes to stare at the spot her and Zane had been sitting together in earlier.
She got it now; they had always been chasing after the other, desperate to keep up. They had the same motives, the same reasons, and neither of them knew it.
Nana had just wanted to belong . . . and so did Zane.
She wasn’t an idiot, she saw how tense Zane was around his family; around Garroth. She saw how Garroth spoke to him sometimes, like he was nothing more than an inconvenience.
She knew he didn’t mean it, that wasn’t Garroth. But she also knew now why Zane never made an effort to speak his mind to his brother, why he made it seem like the end of the world when they had to move in together.
“I get it,” he’d told her; and he was right.
She straightened, twisting around to open up her bedroom door.
She ran out, holding on to the railing as she stumbled down the stairs.
She opened the front door, accidentally slamming it against the wall as she ran across the street, asphalt scratching at her bare feet.
She jogged up the front steps of Zane’s house, knocking fervently on the door, bouncing on the balls of her feet.
“Come on,” she muttered. She felt jittery, like a shaken champagne bottle: desperate to explode.
She heard the lock click and then the door opened, a sleepy looking Laurance standing in front of her.
“Hello?” he yawned, squinting at Nana. “Kawaii-Chan?”
“Laurance!” she shouted, causing him to jump. “Is— is Zane here?”
Laurance cocked his head, raising an eyebrow. “He lives here, so. .”
“Can I come in?” Nana asked, mentally rolling her eyes.
“Yeah, I guess that’s fine.” He shrugged, stepping out of the way to let her in. “Don’t know why anyone would want to willingly see Zane, but okay. .”
Nana walked in, glancing around quickly. Last time she’d been here, it’d been packed with people. Now it felt peaceful, like a home.
“Where is he?” she asked, turning back towards the brunette boy in front of her.
“In his room,” he said, pointing his thumb to the stairs.
She nodded once, hurrying up the wooden steps to the second floor.
She glanced at the three closed doors. Zane’s wasn’t hard to find; it had brightly colored stickers surrounding a pink nameplate that read his name. Nana assumed Aphmau had made it for him.
She held her fist over the door, centimeters away from knocking.
What am I doing? she thought for a moment. This is stupid.
But it wasn’t, she knew that. She wanted — no, she needed someone to know. And she needed it to be Zane.
She knocked thrice, holding her breath while she waited.
She heard movement: the squeaking of a mattress, the patter of feet against a carpet.
And then the door opened.
Notes:
sorry for the late post of this one! full transparency: i lowkey forgot……. this is another one of my favorites so i hope you guys enjoy !! :) thanks for sticking around and i’ll see you tuesday!
relevant listening:
bags - clairo
slay the beast - ariyel
Chapter 7: fall with me
Summary:
“I needed it to be you.”
“Nana.”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
“Kawaii-Chan?”
Zane stared at the pink-haired girl in front of him: the apprehensive sparkle in her yellow eyes, the tenseness of her shoulders.
She was in what looked like pajamas: checkered pink pants and a white tank-top.
Her tail was swishing slowly behind her and she wasn’t wearing shoes.
Either she had lost it, or whatever it was was so important that she had run out of her house.
“Hi,” she breathed, eyes searching Zane’s.
Her energy seemed so drastically different compared to what he’d seen an hour before.
“Hi,” he responded, curiosity lilting his voice.
“We need to talk.”
“We do?”
She nodded once. “Follow me.”
Zane stared at her for a moment, as if waiting for the punchline. When she started to walk away, he knew she was serious.
He closed his door behind him, hesitating for a moment, about to grab his mask which he’d just taken off.
“Come on!” she said, beckoning him down the stairs.
He shook his head at his door, following Kawaii-Chan down the stairs.
“Where are we going?” he asked as she opened his front door.
She didn’t answer, just waved her hand again to keep him following.
“Kawaii-Chan,” he whisper-yelled, following her down their street. “Where are we going?” he asked again.
“Somewhere we can talk.”
“We can talk in my room!”
She shook her head, ears perking slightly as a car passed them.
They walked in silence for what felt like ages, but what was most likely a few minutes.
They only stopped when they reached the park near their neighborhood. It was seemingly deserted, the moonlight casting a pale glow over the greenery.
Zane followed Kawaii-Chan in, his anxiety getting the best of him when she still wouldn’t tell him what they were doing.
“Okay,” she said finally, spinning around so abruptly that Zane almost crashed into her. “We’re here.”
Zane looked around, eyebrows climbing his forehead. “Okay. . .?”
“It’s Nana.”
He looked back at her, eyebrows furrowing. “What is?”
“My name,” she sighed. “My name is Nana.”
Zane felt his jaw drop, his head cocking in bemusement.
“Nana Ashida,” she clarified. “It’s not Kawaii-Chan, it’s not KC. It’s Nana. I— I am Nana.”
Zane studied her: the shakiness in her voice, the way her ears were pinned backwards, how her arms were crossed against her chest, protecting her.
“Oh,” he said, straightening. “Okay.”
He watched as she relaxed, her eyes closing as she heaved a breath. “Okay,” she repeated. “Do you hate me?”
“What?” he barked a laugh.
“I lied,” she nodded, eyes widening. “I lied to you an—and to everyone. I’ve been lying, I— I am lying and—“
“Okay,” he nodded, desperate to calm her down. “It’s okay, really, it’s— it’s really okay.”
“It’s not,” she choked. “It’s not okay. I wanted someone to know. I needed someone to know. I needed it to be you .”
“I do,” he nodded again. “I do know. And I don’t hate you.”
“You don’t?” she asked, searching his face.
“I don’t,” he repeated, shaking his head slowly.
She exhaled, her breath minty against his face. He was standing so close to her now, he realized; his hands brushing dangerously close to hers.
“I needed it to be you .”
“Why me?” he asked, his voice barely above a whisper.
“Because you get it,” she nodded. “I know you do.”
Of course he got it. He’d gotten it since he could remember: the far away look in her eyes, the anxiety that loomed over her, the genuine fear she had whenever someone she cared about was mad at her.
He couldn’t remember when he’d started paying so close attention to her, but Zane knew her. He really did.
“I think. . . I think I— I like you.” He was surprised to hear the words come out of his own mouth.
“What?” she asked.
“I. . I like you,” he said again, nodding slightly.
He watched as her lips pulled up into a small smile, her eyebrows slightly furrowed as if she couldn’t believe it. “You do?”
He rolled his eyes but couldn’t fight his own smile off his face. “I do.”
“I think I like you, too,” she agreed, nodding excitedly.
He searched for something to say, anything to explain further how much he liked her.
But then she was leaning into him, her chin tilted upwards, her eyes fluttering closed; and he lost any train of thought he had ever had.
He closed the distance between them, his head cocking as he kissed her.
It was timid at first, neither sure of where to put their hands or when to breathe.
But then Nana’s hands found Zane’s neck and her fingers were running through his hair and his arms wrapped around her waist and it felt like they had always belonged there.
Nana pulled away first and looked up at Zane, breathing in an anxious breath. “Was that okay?”
He caught his breath, nodding. “Yeah, it— it was. Want to, um. . do it again?”
Her face broke out into a smile, her eyes practically glowing against the night as they crinkled at the corners. “It’s late,” she said.
“It is,” he agreed. But neither made a move to leave.
“Do you. . want to go out? Tomorrow?” she asked, hesitantly.
“Are you asking me on a date?” Zane teased, lips pulling into a smirk.
“Maybe!” she responded, a blush climbing her cheeks. “I don’t know!”
“I’d love to.” He nodded. “I’ll pick you up at six.”
“Okay.” Nana smiled, laughing as Zane twirled her around before the two of them made their ways home.
————————————
“A date?” Katelyn basically shouted, staring at Nana in the bathroom mirror. “With who?!”
“Trying to focus, here,” Nana responded, avoiding telling her roommate who she was going out with. She drew a sharp line at the outer corner of her eye, filling it in with her black eyeliner.
“You haven’t been on a date since. .” Katelyn started, eyes trained to the ceiling as she thought.
“Damien.” Nana cringed, focusing her attention to her other eye.
She had never had the best luck with guys; she tended to move too fast and ignore her friends, focusing all her attention on the person she was with.
But this’ll be different , she told herself. Zane is different.
“Where’d you even meet him?” Katelyn asked, arms crossed tightly against her chest. “What’s his name?”
Nana didn’t want to lie; she never wanted to lie. But she’d already been eaten away by the guilt of hiding who she was, so what was a few more fibs here and there?
“You don’t know him,” she said, capping her eyeliner and examining her makeup.
“I will soon enough!” Katelyn exclaimed, cracking her knuckles with a determined look on her face.
Nana resisted an eye roll. She wasn’t a child, she was an adult. She should be able to go out and not be berated for it.
“Katelyn-Sama,” Nana started, turning around to face her best friend head-on. “Please, drop it. I’m going to be okay! And if I’m not, you will be the first to know.”
“And you’ll give me permission to beat him up?” Katelyn asked, wary.
“Fine.” Nana smiled despite herself. “I give you permission to beat him up if need be.”
Katelyn matched the meif’wa’s expression. “I just. . don’t want to see you hurt again.”
“I know.” Nana nodded, placing her hands on Katelyn’s shoulders. “But I’m smart! Sometimes,” she laughed.
Nana’s phone buzzed from its spot on the marble counter, indicating that Zane had arrived.
“Text me if you need anything,” Katelyn said, walking Nana to their front door.
“I will!” Nana nodded, waving goodbye to her best friend as she shut the front door behind her.
Zane stood outside of Nana’s house, leaning against his car with his hands tucked into the pockets of his jeans. One of his legs was crossed over the other and Nana noted that his hair looked slightly different.
The sight of him alone was enough to bring heat to her cheeks.
“Hey,” he said, his usual black mask muffling his voice only slightly.
“Hi,” Nana responded, walking down the front steps of her porch, stopping a foot away from him. She resisted the urge to give him another once over.
“You look really nice,” he said, his one visible eye scanning her quickly.
She offered him a small smile, one she couldn’t tell if he reciprocated because of his mask.
She missed his freckles, she realized. And his piercings. And the curve of his lips.
“Ready?” he asked, clearing his throat.
Nana could only nod, butterflies at war in her stomach, spiders crawling on her heart as it beat unreasonably fast.
The pair got in the car, an awkward silence fanning over them.
Nana felt uncomfortable. Exposed. Vulnerable. She wanted to say everything that came to mind as well as keep her mouth shut. It was as if Kawaii-Chan and Nana were the ones at war instead of the butterflies; she couldn’t figure out who to be.
“I made reservations at that restaurant down the street,” Zane began, peeling the car out of its parking spot. “I checked the menu beforehand and they have a lot of options in case you’re vegetarian or vegan or gluten free or lactose intolerant or—“
Nana smiled, her eyes trained on Zane. She could just be , she realized. Just be .
They pulled up the restaurant a mere two minutes later. Zane insisted on opening every door for Nana and she could see then how alike he and his older brother were.
“You really didn’t have to do all this,” Nana laughed as Zane pulled out her chair for her.
“I—It’s no problem,” he stuttered, the bridge of his nose turning pink as he took his seat.
Their waiter came and went, bringing the pair’s drinks with him and setting them in front of the two.
Nana took a sip of her club soda, the carbonation of the drink calming the nerves in her churning stomach.
She barely recognized the girl she had been the night prior; the confidence in how she’d kissed Zane, how she asked him out.
Now, she felt the complete opposite. She’d barely said a word and they had already been out for half an hour.
Zane seemed to have mirrored feelings; his eye darting around the restaurant, rarely ever falling on Nana.
“I’m sorry,” she said suddenly, surprised with herself.
“For what?” Zane asked, eye widening slightly.
Nana wanted to see his other eye then, so badly. “If this is awkward,” she continued. “If you feel like we’re rushing this or— or if you don’t want to go out anymore, I totally understand.”
“What?” His voice was tainted with bemusement. “What do you mean?”
“I— I kissed you so abruptly last night,” she went on. “I didn’t even ask. A—And I would completely get it if you don’t even like me. If— If you said yes to this just because you felt bad, or—“
“Nana.”
Nana looked up, her breath hitching in her throat. It was the first time she’d heard someone say her real name in a long time.
“I like you,” Zane continued, his hand outstretched to Nana. She took it, their fingers intertwining hesitantly. “I kissed you back because I wanted to. And I’m out on a date with you because I want to be. Not because I feel bad for you.”
Nana exhaled, blinking slowly at the man in front of her, her eyes darting down to their hands only for a second as his thumb brushed against hers.
“Really?” she asked, and she hated how pathetic she sounded.
“Really.” He nodded slowly, the soft yellow lighting of the restaurant reflecting in his blue irises, making them almost glow.
“Okay.” She smiled, visibly relieved.
“Do you want to try to get to know each other a bit better now?” he asked, retracting his hand from hers with a soft squeeze.
“Yeah,” she laughed. “I would.”
An hour later, the pair was walking back to Zane’s car, their hands brushing against the other’s every now and again.
“I can’t get over the fact that your favorite movie is Silence of the Lambs ,” Zane laughed, the corner of his eye crinkling as he smiled beneath his mask.
“Why not?!” Nana pouted. “It’s a good movie!”
“Oh, it’s a great movie,” Zane agreed. “I just can’t picture you being into horror.”
“And I can’t picture you being into My Little Pony , but here we are.” Nana shrugged.
“Hey!” Zane gasped dramatically. “Low blow,” he said, shaking his head.
“You started it!” she laughed as they made it to Zane’s car.
“And I’m ending it,” he laughed as well, opening the passenger door for Nana and ushering her in.
Nana clicked her seatbelt in, reaching behind her head to pull her long, pink hair over her shoulders.
Zane got in, starting up the car and pulling away from the restaurant.
Nana rested her head on the window, her breath fogging it up as she watched the buildings pass by.
The pair sat in comfortable silence. The only sounds were the rumble of the wheels against the street and Zane’s soft humming to the quiet song on the radio.
Nana closed her eyes and she felt like she could do this forever; be here forever. She felt like she already had been. Like she was always supposed to end up here. . . with him.
The car stopped and Nana looked up. She was almost disappointed at being home so soon, forgetting the fact that she’d been out for hours already.
“So,” Zane started, staring down at the steering wheel.
Nana smiled. “I had a lot of fun,” she said.
Zane visibly relaxed. “I did, too.”
“Do you want to do it again sometime?” she asked, tucking a strand of hair behind her normal ear.
He looked over at her, searching her face as if to see if she were joking. “Yeah,” he finally said. “I’d love to.”
She thought about kissing him; she remembered how his lip rings had brushed against her lips the last time. Remembered how she thought they would be uncomfortable, but they weren’t.
Take it slow , she told herself.
She leaned closer to him, pressing a soft kiss to his exposed cheek before pulling away. “Goodnight, Zane,” she said as she unbuckled her seatbelt, opening the car door and stepping one foot out.
“Goodnight, Nana,” he responded softly. The thrill of hearing her first name awoke the butterflies in her stomach.
She waved goodbye as he pulled into his driveway across the street. She fished through the pockets of her skirt and pulled her keys out, unlocking the door quickly with a giddy smile on her face.
Thankfully, Katelyn wasn’t downstairs when Nana walked in. She was relieved to not have to be Kawaii-Chan after a whole night of Nana.
She untied her Converse, leaving them by the door before making her way upstairs.
She heard muffled conversation through her roommate’s door, the low reverberation of Travis’s laugh traveling through the small gap beneath it.
Nana was only slightly disappointed; she had wanted to debrief her date with her best friend (as best as she could, anyway, without giving away who she had gone out with.)
That’s okay, she thought. I’ll keep him to myself a little while longer.
Notes:
sorry for the late post! i started school today so it’s been hectic. hope you guys enjoy this one !!! :*
see you friday <3
relevant listening:
fall with me - the wild reeds
luv note - chloe moriondo
Chapter 8: for you
Summary:
“‘I guess I— I’ve always had this fear that I’m. . unlovable.’”
“It would be so easy; Nana knew how easy it would be to lie. She’d been doing it for so long it was like second nature to her.”
Notes:
CW: dysphoria, panic attack
disclaimer: this chapter uses Japanese from google translate so it might not be 100% accurate!
words used:
kon'nichiwa = hello
okāsan = mom
musume = daughter
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Zane was an idiot. A full blown, head-filled-with-air idiot.
This is stupid, he thought. I’m so stupid.
He couldn’t believe he had just. . forgotten. Forgotten that he lived in the unfortunate reality where he wasn’t a cisgendered male.
He grabbed at his chest, his ribs aching as a result of wearing his binder for too long.
He felt his heart rate increase as he unlocked the front door, stumbling inside just as his hands began to shake with panic.
Not now , he thought. Not when he didn’t have anyone to help him through it.
“Baby brother?”
Zane froze, turning his attention to the small living room area of the downstairs floor. Garroth was seated on their couch, a concerned expression on his face. The light of the paused TV illuminated him.
“Are you okay?” he asked, standing up and taking a step towards Zane.
I’m fine, leave me alone , was what Zane wanted to say. Please go away so I can wallow in my self-pity and humiliation alone , he considered.
What came out when he opened his mouth, though, was one of the most pathetic sobs he had ever heard.
“Zane?!” Garroth asked frantically as Zane crumbled to the floor. “What’s wrong, baby brother?!”
I’m an idiot , he tried to scream. I’m such an idiot.
Unfortunately for him, all that came out were more sobs.
“Did something happen on your date? Did they not like you?” Garroth asked, falling to his knees in front of his younger brother.
Zane’s shoulders shook, silent tears streaming down his face and collecting at the bottom of his chin. He studied his brother and he knew it, then; he knew why he felt such resentment towards him.
It wasn’t just because of Zane’s unresolved daddy issues, or the fact that Garroth had always amounted to more than Zane. No, it was the fact that Garroth would always be a real boy, and Zane never would.
The realization only made him start to cry harder. It wasn’t fair that he had to go through this alone. None of what he had and continued to go through was fair.
“I don’t know what to do,” Garroth said, panicked. “I— I don’t know how to help you, baby brother.”
What also wasn’t fair, Zane realized, was that Garroth was the one who had been the most supportive when he came out. He never slipped up on Zane’s name, never misgendered him. He started calling Zane ‘baby brother’ the day after he came out, and all Zane could do was shit on it.
He didn’t know why. In fact, he really liked when Garroth called him that. It reminded him that at least his big brother would see him for who he was.
“Could you just tell me what happened?” Garroth asked, his eyes scanning over Zane as if to see if he was hurt. “Can you do that much?”
Even now , Zane thought. After the way I’ve treated him, he continues to love and care about me.
“I’m sorry,” Zane choked out, and he really was. “I’m so sorry.”
“What?” Garroth asked, confused. “Why?!”
“I’m a shit brother,” he sobbed, tearing off his mask and throwing it to the floor.
“No, you’re not.” Garroth shook his head. “Really, if anyone is, it’s me.”
Zane wasn’t quite sure how he got from point A to point B — panicking about Nana to sobbing about his big brother — but he didn’t mind when Garroth engulfed him in a big hug, smooshing Zane’s face in his shoulder and squeezing him so tightly he thought his ribs might break.
Zane tensed, his sobs momentarily stopping before he hugged his brother back, crying into his shoulder.
“I just—“ Zane hiccuped. “I just feel like. . . sometimes you think y—you’re better than me. A—And it’s enough already th—that our parents think that. I—I can’t take it if you think that, too,” he cried, his words slightly muffled into Garroth’s shirt. “Y—You’re already the golden boy. And you and Vylad a—are their— their real sons but—“
“Hey.” Garroth pulled away, his blue eyes boring into Zane’s. “You’re their son, too.”
To be acknowledged as a son by someone other than his mother was enough to send Zane into another fit of sobs.
“I didn’t know you felt that way,” Garroth said, hugging his brother tightly once more. “I’m so, so sorry, Zane. I— I don’t think I’m better than you, really. And I’m so sorry that our parents make you feel that way. I know that you and dad aren’t as close as him and I are. . . but that’s not an excuse.
You’re so much more than just mine and Vylad’s brother. You— You’re so much more than just a Ro’meave. I know mom and dad don’t make it seem that way, but trust me; it’s true.” Garroth pulled away, his hands braced on his brother’s shoulders. “They can be sort of shitty sometimes. The whole reason Vylad is traveling the world right now is to get away from them. Did you know that?”
Zane shook his head, making a mental note to check up on his younger brother.
“The reason it may seem that I’m closer with them — with dad — is because I have to be. Trust me, I do not want to take over our family’s company. But I sort of have to. Unfortunately, that means I also have to hang out with our parents far more than any other guy our age would,” Garroth continued, his grip on Zane seemingly the only thing stopping him from shaking.
“I want to be better,” he went on. “I will be better, Zane. For you, I swear.”
“I will, too,” Zane responded, surprised to find that his sobs had stopped long ago, his voice firmer than he felt.
“What, uh. . what happened to provoke this?” Garroth asked, removing his hands from Zane’s shoulders.
You can tell him , Zane thought. If he were going to tell anybody, it was going to be his big brother.
“I went out with Kawaii-Chan,” he said slowly, deliberately, trying to gauge his brother’s reaction.
“Finally!” Garroth’s abrupt shout made Zane jump.
“‘Finally’?” Zane repeated, cocking an eyebrow.
“Laurance and I have had a bet on when you two were going to get together since high school,” Garroth explained.
“ What ?!” Zane asked, his jaw dropping.
Since high school? he thought. Had he liked Nana since high school?
“Anyway, go on. I’m sorry,” Garroth apologized, nodding at his brother.
“She— She doesn’t know I’m trans,” Zane explained, avoiding Garroth’s gaze like the plague, worried Zane’s shame was painted on his face.
“So. .?” his brother asked, clearly unfazed.
“So.” Zane resisted an eye roll. He opened his mouth to say more, but nothing came out.
It wasn’t that Nana was homophobic; her own best friend and half of their friend group was queer.
But Zane knew that with some people, knowing someone was trans was one thing, dating someone who was trans was another.
“I guess I— I’ve always had this fear that I’m. . unlovable.” Zane whispered the last word, fidgeting with his hands anxiously as he bared his vulnerability to his brother. “Like. . ever since I came out to dad,” Zane cringed at the vivid memory, “I’ve never been able to picture someone actually liking me.”
“He’s such an asshole,” Garroth muttered. Zane was shocked to hear his brother talk so harshly of their father.
“Y—Yeah.” Zane nodded. “He kind of is.”
“I should’ve said something,” Garroth chastised. “I should’ve stood up for you.”
Zane hesitantly reached out to pat his brother’s arm. It was awkward, but Garroth seemed to appreciate it.
“But now,” Zane went on, retracting his hand. “We’ve already kissed and gone out on a date and I— I’m worried that once I tell her, she’s going to accuse me of lying or something.” Zane winced at the idea. “And I— I really like her. Like, a lot. I don’t know if I could handle losing her already when I just got her.”
Garroth smiled fondly at his brother. “You’re a really good guy, Zane. And although I can’t empathize with you. . I can at least tell you that I know Kawaii-Chan. I know she’s not that kind of person. Whatever ends up happening,” Garroth started, placing a strong hand on Zane’s shoulder. “I’m here for you.”
“Th—Thank you, Garroth,” Zane stuttered. “I. . I don’t know what I’d do without you, big brother.”
Garroth brightened at the nickname, standing up and brushing himself off.
“Garroth?” Laurance descending the stairs, squinting in the dark to try and make out the two brothers.
“Laur.” Garroth smiled, his face going all soft around the edges.
Zane wondered how long it would take for them to get together.
“Oh, Zane.” Laurance’s eyes fell on the crumpled boy on the floor.
Zane stood up, attempting to dry his damp cheeks. “Hey,” he said, clearing his throat.
“Do you wanna join Garroth and I?” Laurance asked. “We’re about to watch a movie.”
Garroth’s eyes darted towards Zane, his eyebrows furrowed, his lips pressed together as if to restrict himself from his voice.
“No,” Zane said, picking up on his brother’s discomfort. “You guys have fun.”
He grabbed his mask that was thrown on the floor then started towards the stairs.
He looked back just as he placed his foot on the first stair. Garroth and Laurance were sat on the couch, Laurance’s legs sprawled out on Garroth’s lap. Garroth was staring intently at him, his face flushed even in the dark.
Zane rolled his eyes, his lips pulling into a knowing smile as he ascended the stairs.
He knew he still had to tell Nana, but for now, he was just glad to have his brother back.
————————————
Nana stared down at her phone screen, her eyes widening as they read over the name of the person calling her.
Her hand was frozen, her mug of tea halfway to her lips when her phone began to ring.
Really? she thought, placing her mug on the kitchen table. Now?
She heaved a sigh, pressing the green button on her phone and holding it to her ear. “Okāsan, kon’nichiwa, ” Nana greeted her mother, pinching the bridge of her nose.
“Musume, kon’nichiwa!” Her mom’s voice came tinny through Nana’s phone speaker. “How are you, Nana dear?”
“I’m good, okāsan.” Nana straightened, as if just hearing her mother’s voice reminded her of her childhood; the years of yelling she endorsed over the simple act of slouching. “How are you? ” she asked.
“I’m good,” she responded. Nana could almost predict what was going to happen next: “Listen,” she started, “your sister just graduated from law school.”
Nana suppressed a sigh. “That’s good to hear,” she said, sipping from her mug.
“She worked really hard.” Nana could hear her mother smiling through the phone. “You could learn a thing or two from her, you know.”
Nana closed her eyes, this time letting the sigh escape her lips. “I know, okāsan.”
“Well anyway,” her mother continued. “We’re throwing a small party to congratulate her. I think she’d really like it if you were there!”
“When is it?” Nana asked, already rifling through her past excuses in her head to see which one she hadn’t used in a while.
“It’s this Saturday. It starts at 12:00pm on the dot. Will you be there?” Her mother’s tone was firm, almost accusatory.
“I work that day, okāsan,” Nana said, grateful that she didn’t have to lie.
“Where, at that flower shop?” Her mother all but scoffed. “I’m sure they wouldn’t mind if you miss a day.”
“I’m a co-owner, okāsan; I sort of have to be there,” Nana explained.
“What about your other co-owner?” her mother asked. “Isn’t the point of co-owning to be able to . . . co-own? Surely the both of you don’t have to be there at the same time.”
Nana could almost see her mom shrugging nonchalantly at her; like she didn’t matter.
“I’m just saying, Nana. It’d be nice if you could show up for your siblings every once in a while.”
Nana felt her shoulders drop, her head resting in her hand as she curled in on herself. “Fine,” she said, harsher than she intended.
“What’s that tone for? I don’t think it’s unreasonable for me to want you to support your family.” Nana could definitely see her shrugging nonchalantly now.
“You’re right,” Nana said. Because of course she is , she thought. “I’ll be there.”
“Thank you, musume,” her mother said sweetly before hanging up.
Nana pulled the phone away from her ear, placing it face down on the table and taking another sip from her now lukewarm tea.
Nana liked what she did. It might not have been as big or fancy as what her siblings did, but she liked it. She could confidently say that her older sister definitely did not like being a lawyer. Fortunately, and unfortunately, Nana was the only one of her eleven siblings to be her own person.
Which was ironic, she realized. She hadn’t been her ‘own person’ since high school. She’d let the weight of the world rest on her shoulders and done nothing about it.
“KC!”
Nana jumped, a splash of her tea jumping out of its cup and landing on her shirt.
“Oh, sorry.” Katelyn smiled sheepishly at her, her cheeks pink with a bit of sweat beading her forehead. “Didn’t mean to scare you. I was just out on my morning run when I bumped into Kim,” Nana’s roommate rambled. “She said her and Lucinda are having a party this weekend to congratulate Lucinda on earning her baccalaureate degree in witchcraft. Kim wanted to know if we could make it.”
Nana hesitated, her lips parted, eyebrows furrowed and down casting over her eyes.
It would be so easy; Nana knew how easy it would be to lie. She’d been doing it for so long it was like second nature to her.
“Kawaii-Chan would love to!” she could say. “Kawaii-Chan always wants to support her friends!” she considered.
But her mother’s voice rang in her ears; her mother’s sharp gaze bored through her memory; her mother’s cruel, mean, horrible words echoed in her ears.
“I can’t,” Nana said. And she hated how pitiful it sounded; how those two words had dropped two more weights onto her shoulders. She was tired. She was so, so tired.
“How come?” Katelyn asked, her head and eyebrow cocking. “Ooh, have another date with your mystery man?”
Nana reddened, her eyes widening at Katelyn’s bluntness. “I— No! I— I have some family stuff to . . take care of.”
“Oh.” Katelyn nodded, yet the confusion never left her face. “You don’t talk about them often. Something happen?” she asked.
Yeah, one of my siblings upstaged me yet again and I have to go spend a night of my life pretending to be someone I’m not, Nana thought. But I always do that, don’t I? I’m always pretending. I’m either Kawaii-Chan, who everyone likes, or I’m Nana, who my family only tolerates. But I can never just be myself. But that’s the other thing: I don’t even know who that is. And it’s terrifying. I’m always terrified. And exhausted. I’m just so—
“Kawaii-Chan?”
Nana blinked, Katelyn coming into focus in front of her.
“You alright? Spaced out for a second there,” Katelyn laughed, a wary look on her face.
“Sorry.” Nana shook her head, her heartbeat hammering in her ears as the spiral of thoughts straightened out. “I’m just going to celebrate my sister’s graduation,” Nana explained.
“Oh.” Katelyn nodded again. “You have a sister?” she asked.
Nana wanted to cry. She wanted to scream and cry and thrash and kick and tell her best friend everything .
She nodded once, unblinking against the growing tears in her eyes.
“Alright.” Katelyn shrugged. “I’m gonna go shower,” she said, nodding goodbye as she went upstairs.
Nana exhaled a wet, rattling breath. Her eyes closed and her tears slipped out of them, trailing down her face.
Nana knew she hated herself. What she didn’t know was which one to hate.
Notes:
hope you guys like this one!!! zane’s pov is my favorite thing i’ve written for this so far :3
at this point, i’ve only written up to here previously meaning chapters might be coming out later as i’ll have to write them! as i mentioned last chapter, i started school recently so i will have less time to write.
for now, chapters will be coming out once a week on wednesdays :)
relevant listening:
sandy - alex g
a burning hill - mitski
for you - delaney bailey
Chapter 9: you can’t hear what he said
Summary:
“Is she your friend?”
Chapter Text
“Y—You want me to go?” Zane asked, staring at the pink haired girl in front of him.
“Only if you want!” Nana said. “But I would like it if you were there.”
Meet her family? he thought. Already?
“It doesn’t have to be like. . a romantic thing,” she said, as if reading Zane’s mind. “I just— I need someone there with me. And I, um, I feel safe around you, so. .”
Zane tore his eyes from Nana, instead focusing his gaze on his hands in his lap.
Feel safe around me? he thought. How could you feel safe around someone who’s lying to you?
“Zane?”
He looked up, meeting the meif’wa’s eyes once again.
“. . .whether it was how much they’d achieved and how little I had, or how successful and independent they were while I was just. . . not. I was. . . I— I was never enough.”
Her voice rang in his ears and he fully took her in: she was in the dullest clothes he’d ever seen, she had her usually done hair pulled back into a bun, and there were dark circles under her bright eyes. He wondered briefly if this was the ‘real’ Nana.
Her eyebrows were furrowed in question, shoulders caved in around herself.
She’d knocked on his door a mere 5 minutes ago asking him to go to her sister’s graduation party that started in a half hour.
He was still in his pajamas and he hadn’t even brushed his teeth yet.
“Zane,” she said again, glancing nervously at his kitchen clock.
“Okay,” he said, nodding.
“Really?!” she asked, lips pulling up into a relieved smile.
“Yeah,” he said, his shoulders relaxing. “Just give me a few minutes to get ready.”
“Anything,” Nana nodded, leaning back into Zane’s couch.
He stood up, jogging up the stairs and into his bedroom.
He rifled through his draws, cursing himself for not doing laundry sooner.
He hadn’t even seen Nana since their date, he realized as he began getting dressed. The girl from a few nights ago and the girl that was sitting in his living room seemed like two completely different people.
Actually, each time he’d seen her in the last few weeks she’d felt like completely different people.
He finished getting changed, examining himself sideways in the mirror to make sure he was flat enough. He dragged a hand over his chest before deciding he was, and then booked it down the stairs.
“Okay,” he said, catching his breath as Nana stood up. “I’m ready.”
He followed the girl outside and to her car. He got in the passenger seat, fidgeting nervously as Nana began driving away.
He glanced over at her as she drove. She had her bottom lip caught between her teeth, chewing anxiously. Her hands were gripping the steering wheel so tightly that her knuckles were turning white.
This was the worst he’d ever seen her.
Granted, he hadn’t ever really seen her, but still.
“Hey,” he started, sitting up straighter in the car seat.
She glanced over at him quickly before returning her gaze to the road.
“It’s— It’s going to be okay,” he said.
“You don’t know that.” Nana shook her head. “My mom probably only invited me so that my siblings could have something to laugh about. I mean,” she scoffed, “they all think I’m a joke anyway.”
“ I don’t think you’re a joke,” Zane said, shaking his head. “And I’ll be there. I’m— I’m on your side, Nana.”
She exhaled slowly, her shoulders dropping as she did so.
“We can always leave if you want to,” he said. “Right?”
She nodded, taking a right turn and pulling up in front of a brick house.
Zane glanced at it nervously, subconsciously pulling down on his binder. He was always more dysphoric around new people. He just hoped Nana wouldn’t be able to tell.
“I’m sorry,” she said suddenly.
Zane turned back towards her. She was staring solemnly at the house and for a moment, Zane wasn’t sure whether she was talking to him or to the building.
“I shouldn’t have asked you to come,” Nana said, eyes locking on Zane’s. “I— I can drive you home if you want, or—“
He reached out, grabbing her hand that had fallen limp in her lap. The sudden gesture made both of them flinch.
“I’m on your side, Nana,” he said again. “I’m here for you.”
She softened slightly, bottom lip quivering. “They just— they can be a lot sometimes.”
He shrugged. “So can my family. Have you met Garroth?”
She laughed, squeezing his hand. “Promise you won’t let them scare you away? From— from me?”
“I promise.” He nodded.
She squeezed his hand once more before letting go. They both unbuckled their seat belts and got out of the car.
“I’m not going to introduce you as my boyfriend,” she said as the pair walked up the front porch. “N—Not that I think you’re my boyfriend—“
Zane laughed, nudging her with his shoulder gently.
“They, uh. . might assume. They tend to do that,” she went on.
“It’s okay, Nana. Really,” he insisted.
Nana gave him one last anxious look before raising her fist and knocking on the door.
Zane cleared his throat, hunching his shoulders slightly to hide his chest even more.
He resisted the urge to turn on his heel and run away.
What am I doing? he thought. I barely know this girl.
The door opened. Standing there was an older woman: her hair a faded pink and eyes a bright yellow with cat ears poking out from the sides of her head. Zane could tell immediately that this was Nana’s mother.
“Musume!” she exclaimed, resting both her hands on Nana’s shoulders before pulling her in for a hug.
“Konnichiwa okāsan,” Nana said, her voice muffled from her mother’s embrace.
Nana pulled away, glancing back towards Zane. His stomach churned as her mother gave him a once over.
“Who’s this?” she asked, eyebrow cocking, voice cadenced with a slight Japanese accent.
“I’m Zane,” he said, holding his hand out and willing it to stop shaking.
She hummed, taking his hand and shaking it. “I’m Eiko, but you are to call me Mrs. Ashida.”
“Mom,” Nana mumbled, glancing back and forth between the two, her eyebrows furrowed in embarrassment.
“It’s very nice to meet you, Mrs. Ashida.” Zane nodded, never one to pass on politeness. “You have a lovely daughter,” he added, gesturing to Nana.
She blinked once, then turned her attention back to Nana. “Come in, musume. Everyone else is here already.”
Nana smiled — though it didn’t quite reach her eyes — and followed her mother inside.
Zane stayed close behind, following suit as Nana took off her shoes and left them by the front door.
“Are you okay?” she asked, her voice hushed as the pair followed the older woman through her house. “She’s a bit. . abrasive.”
“So are you,” Zane teased.
“Not true!” Nana gasped, poking Zane in the ribs.
He bristled, moving a half step away from her and tugging down on his binder once more.
Nana gave him a quizzical look, opening her mouth to say something more.
But before she could say anything, the two were surrounded by the rest of Nana’s family.
Zane gaped, glancing around the room. He understood now what Nana really meant when she said she was confused with her siblings; they were all practically identical.
“Nana!” an older girl shrieked. She looked like a slightly older version of Nana, probably around Garroth’s age.
She rushed over, engulfing Nana in a hug. Zane took a step back as more of Nana’s siblings rushed over.
He wrung his hands together anxiously, the room’s volume increasing as more of Nana’s family bombarded her with questions.
“Have you gotten a degree yet?”
“Do you have a real job?”
“Have you bought a house yet?”
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
Zane reddened at the last question, watching as Nana diffused her siblings’ chaos.
She tried shooing them away, brushing off their questions with one-worded answers.
Next to her siblings, Zane found it amusing that everyone back home thought Nana was the hyper one.
“Who’s that?” one asked, glancing over at Zane.
12 pairs of eyes bored right into him. He stiffened under their gaze.
“Is she your friend?”
Zane’s breath caught in his throat, the world seemingly going out of focus as the pronoun repeated over and over in his mind.
He heard his heart beating loudly in his ears, as if throwing itself against his rib cage over and over again.
He was hyper aware of his binder then; the uncomfortable piece of fabric that hid the uncomfortable, horrible parts of his body.
His breath was hot against his face, his mask scratchy against his skin.
He wanted to get out.
He needed to get out.
“This is Zane,” Nana said, stepping closer to him. “ He’s my friend, yeah.” She seemed puzzled, confused even at the idea of someone mistaking him for a girl.
This was a bad idea , he thought, eyes going wide as everyone stared at him, waiting for him to say something. This was a horrible, rotten idea.
Zane wasn’t sure if he meant coming here, or getting involved with Nana at all .
He immediately regretted the idea of that thought, glancing at Nana and hoping his eyes could translate what he couldn’t say.
She furrowed her eyebrows, looking towards her family and then back at Zane again.
“We’ll actually be right back,” Nana said, grabbing Zane’s hand and dragging him away, back towards the front door.
He felt the familiar ache in his jaw, the tears burning his eyes, the lump forming in his throat.
“I’m sorry,” he managed to choke out, following Nana up the stairs and down the long hallway.
She didn’t turn around. She just shook her head and kept her grip firm as she dragged him into a room.
She let go of his hand, closing the door behind them and turning on the soft overhead light.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, tugging at his mask until it came free from his face.
She sat down on the foot of the bed that was in the middle of the room, gently grabbing Zane’s wrist and pulling him down with her.
“Stop,” she said, shaking her head. “What’s wrong?”
He covered his face with his hands, closing his eyes against the tears that begged to escape.
He felt himself beginning to shake, the panic climbing up his throat and poisoning his body.
“Zane, please,” Nana pleaded, placing a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
He tried to speak, but just like a few nights ago, all that came out were sobs.
“Is it because I asked you to come?” Nana asked, her voice frantic now. “Are we moving too fast? I—I’m sorry if I overwhelmed you, I just— I don’t know how to help you. I want to help you, Zane, please .”
He shook harder, his binder pressing firmly into his ribs and restricting his breathing as he continued to sob.
“What’s your favorite color?” she asked. “R—Remember that? Can you tell me your favorite color? Please , Zane.”
He tried to listen. He really did. But all that he could hear was “she” over and over and over again.
——————
“Is she your friend?”
Nana paused, eyebrows furrowed as she stared back at her younger brother.
She glanced back towards Zane, watching as his face and body language changed. It reminded her of when she’d seen him having a panic attack only a week ago.
His shoulders were hunched inwards, blue eyes wide and glossed over with the beginning of tears. His mask moved inwards and outwards slightly, his shoulders rising and falling faster as his breathing became shallower.
“This is Zane,” Nana said, stepping towards him, silently begging him to look at her. “ He’s my friend, yeah.”
The room fell silent, Nana’s family staring intently at Zane, waiting for him to introduce himself.
His gaze fell on Nana, his eyes speaking to her in a way she’d never heard him actually speak before.
She regarded her siblings quickly before glancing back at Zane.
“We’ll actually be right back,” she muttered, voice small in the large room as she grabbed Zane’s hand.
For a moment — a small moment, but a moment nonetheless — Nana felt embarrassed.
She’d brought Zane as safety so as to not be scrutinized and critiqued, but she could almost hear her family making fun of her already.
The thought passed, and now all Nana felt was guilt.
She led Zane up the stairs, criticizing herself for bringing him here in the first place.
She’d probably messed everything up. She’d probably never find someone like him again. And she’d never shake the feeling that it was all her fault.
She led Zane into her childhood bedroom, closing the door behind them and turning the light on.
She sat on the foot of her old bed, grabbing Zane’s wrist and sitting him down next to her.
He kept apologizing, over and over. Nana fought the urge to cry herself as he began to.
“Zane, please,” she said, hesitantly resting a hand on his shoulder. “What’s wrong?”
He shook under her touch, his sobs and her pleads seemingly the only sounds in the entire house.
“Can you tell me your favorite color?” she asked, desperate to hear him say at least one word. “ Please , Zane. I don’t know what to do.”
She grabbed his wrists, gently prying them away from his face as he continued to cry.
“Just look at me,” she begged. “Please look at me.”
His hands went slack in her grip as his gaze landed on hers.
Nana dropped his wrists, cupping his face and brushing away the tears that kept falling.
“Take a deep breath,” she said. “I’ll do it with you, okay?”
She held his gaze, making a show of breathing in through her nose and out through her mouth.
“Like that,” she nodded, brushing her thumbs softly against his cheeks. “Again.”
She took another deep breath, her heart rate climbing back down as Zane mimed her breathing.
“What’s your favorite color?” she asked once more.
“Blue,” he whispered, gripping at the bottom of her sweater like a life raft.
“Why?” she asked. “You never told me why.”
“Because it— it was Garroth’s,” Zane stuttered, “and I wanted to be just like him.”
She nodded, attempting a small smile as she pushed back his soft, black hair from his damp cheekbones.
“I’m sorry,” he said again, closing his eyes. “I shouldn’t have done this in front of your family.”
“‘Done this’?!” Nana asked. “You mean felt something?”
Zane opened his eyes, pale cheeks reddening under her hands.
“I don’t care about them, Zane.” She shook her head. “I care about you . I care about what happened to make you feel this way and how I can avoid it in the future.”
“I’m afraid you’ll hate me,” he whispered, bottom lip quivering, face softening.
Nana had never heard a more outlandish thought in her life.
Hate Zane Ro’meave? Never. She could literally never. And she told him as much: “Never, Zane. Not when you tease me, not when you’re stubborn and unyielding, but especially not when you feel something .”
His blue eyes bore into hers, question and worry and doubt kaleidoscoping his irises.
She offered him a small smile, urging him to go on.
“I— I’m. . .” he stuttered, hands beginning to shake once more. “I can’t.”
Nana’s stomach dropped. “What?”
“I’m sorry, Kawaii-Chan.”
She cringed at the fake name, her hands falling from his face.
“I can’t do this,” he continued, letting go of her sweater and standing up from her childhood bed.
“Wh—What do you mean?” Nana asked, racking her brain for anything she might’ve said or done to lead them to this moment.
Zane inhaled sharply, squeezing his eyes shut as he spoke his next sentence: “You’re too much for me.”
Nana clenched her jaw, exhaling sharply as her eyes began to burn with tears. All she could do was stare at the man in front of her: at his constellation of freckles, his soft lips, his gentle hands that were balled into fists, and his shoulders that seemingly shook under the weight of his words.
She tried to speak, she even opened her mouth as if the words would just magically form, but they never did.
And Zane left.
Notes:
Ummmm hey!!! Remember me…..? I’ve thought so much abt this for so long and just haven’t been able to write but I really want to get back into it sooo here’s a new chapter! No publishing schedule for now as I have a very busy summer ahead but expect it to keep going! Thank u for all the love <3
Relevant listening:
Pretend - Alex g
That funny feeling - Phoebe Bridgers cover
Chapter 10: i gave it all i had
Summary:
“‘I’m such a coward.’”
“This wasn’t worth it. It was never worth it.”
Notes:
(See the end of the chapter for notes.)
Chapter Text
Zane left.
He left Nana crying in her bed.
He left her with zero explanation.
He left her with more lies than he began with.
He left.
Zane shivered against the breeze, clouds rolling in above his head and blocking the sun.
His boots slammed on the pavement, each step crushing his feelings for Nana down farther.
He shouldn’t have let it get this far. That’s all he could think, the thought running circles through his head and leaving him winded.
Or maybe that was his binder, still seemingly crushed against his ribs, restricting the expansion of his lungs.
But really all Zane could feel was the gentle touch of Nana’s hands on his cheeks. All he could hear was the desperate pleas in her voice. All he could see were the questions in her eyes. And all he could feel was the gaping hole in his chest, guilt spilling out.
I’m such a coward, he thought, tears stinging his eyes once more.
He looked up, spotting the street sign for his neighborhood. He picked up his pace, jogging the rest of the way to his house and up the porch steps.
He threw his body against the door as he turned the knob, stumbling inside with a slam behind him.
“Jesus, what’s wrong?” Laurance winced as he took in the sight of him. Garroth sat next to him, a startled look on his face.
“I— I couldn’t do it,” he stuttered, fumbling for his mask and tearing it off his face. “I left her.”
“Left who?” Garroth asked, panic lacing his voice.
Zane watched as Garroth stood from the couch, his hands held up with his palms visible as if showing Zane that he wouldn’t hurt him.
“Kawaii-Chan,” he heaved, the aforementioned tears tracking their way down his cheeks. “I left her,” he said again, one hand flying to his chest as it rose and fell rapidly.
Garroth closed the distance between them, opening his arms as Zane fell into them.
“I’m such a coward,” he sobbed, his brother continuing to hold him even as they fell to the floor. “I— I knew I was never cu—cut out for this.”
“Don’t say that, baby brother,” Garroth chastised, resting his chin on top of Zane’s head.
“It’s true,” Zane cried. “I should’ve told her from the start. I— I should’ve told every one. I’ve been lying to them all an—and they must hate me.”
“Nobody hates you.” Zane opened his eyes to find Laurance kneeling behind Garroth, one hand placed firmly on Garroth’s shoulder.
“Ho—How do you know that?” Zane stuttered, his usual embarrassment failing him as Laurence’s kind, green eyes bore into Zane’s.
“There’s nothing about you to hate,” Laurance said, shaking his head.
Garroth’s grip on Zane loosened and Zane pulled away, his tears beginning to dissipate.
Zane had heard his mother say that to him plenty of times, but there was something different about it coming from Laurance; this man who had seemingly hated him since childhood. The honesty in his voice was what threw Zane the most; Laurance genuinely believed what he was saying.
“You’re a good guy, Zane. Everybody can see that,” Laurance went on, “even Kawaii-Chan.”
Zane winced at the name, closing his eyes as her pained face came into view.
“I left her,” he said slowly. “Good people don’t leave.”
“I did,” Garroth said softly. “I left you, Zane. Am I a bad person?”
“Of course not,” Zane scoffed, eyes falling on his brother. “You’re a great person.”
“So good people — excuse me, great people — can leave?” Garroth questioned.
Zane rolled his eyes, brushing his bangs out of his face. “This is different.”
“How so?” Laurance asked.
“Kawaii-Chan likes me. She— she had expectations for me.” Everyone always did. “I used her. . And then I abandoned her.” He whispered the last part, embarrassed by his own actions.
He watched as his brother and roommate shared a knowing look.
“You did what you had to do,” Laurance spoke softly. “There’s still time.”
Zane looked into his green eyes, examined the emotion in them: the worry, anxiety, and hope.
“There’s still time,” Laurance said again, slower so that Zane could truly understand him.
And he did.
What he did was wrong, he knew that much.
But there was still time.
There was always more time.
——————
Nana white-knuckled the steering wheel, turning sharply down her street, her embarrassment growing as the distance between her and her family did as well.
She parked in front of her house, heaving a sob as she threw the car door open.
She stumbled out of the vehicle and up her porch steps, stumbling inside through her blurry eyes.
“KC?” Katelyn called from the other room, her voice laced with concern.
Nana slapped her hand over her mouth, pressing her back against the front door as she tried and failed to hold back her tears.
Katelyn came into Nana’s view; blurry, but there. “What happened?” she asked, hand grabbing at Nana’s shoulder.
“Zane,” Nana sobbed, incapable of caring about her stupid secret.
“Wh—What do you mean?” Katelyn asked, holding her shoulders firmly as Nana shook.
“It was him,” Nana cried. “He was the person I was seeing an—and he— he left,” she stuttered, her back sliding down the door as she fell to the floor.
“Oh, honey,” Katelyn whispered, enveloping her best friend in a bear hug.
Nana cried into Katelyn’s embrace, her hands clutching at the fabric of her shirt as if to stabilize her.
“There’s— there’s something else,” Nana choked out, pulling away from her best friend.
She examined her: the bright blue of her eyes, the faded blue of her hair, the way there were a million thoughts floating through her irises and Nana could read every one.
She would miss this.
She would miss her.
“I’ve been lying to you,” Nana whispered, her drying tears making her skin feel sticky.
“Okay. .?” Katelyn questioned, sitting back on her heels.
Nana watched the wall build up between her and her best friend.
“My name isn’t Kawaii-Chan,” she said slowly, closing her eyes. “I’m— I’m not who you all think I am.”
Silence.
Nana’s heart beat loudly in her ears, her teeth chattering as she imagined scissors cutting the tie between her and Katelyn.
“What?” Katelyn breathed, the hurt in her voice forcing Nana’s eyes open.
Katelyn had her arms crossed against her chest. Nana knew it was an attempt to look tough, but she also knew that Katelyn was protecting herself.
Protecting herself from Nana.
“You all liked me,” Nana whispered. “Everyone liked me. I’d— I’d never had that before,” she admitted.
“So you lied?” Katelyn questioned, her voice shaking as she scooted farther away from Nana.
Nana’s heart broke all over again.
This wasn’t worth it. It was never worth it.
Fresh tears welled in her eyes. “My name is Nana.”
“Nana.”
Zane’s voice loud in her head; his face as he left her was the only thing she could remember.
Katelyn shook her head slowly. “You. . you have to— to go.”
Nana’s breath hitched. “What?”
“Please,” Katelyn whispered, avoiding eye contact with Nana. “It’s the least you could do.”
Nana choked out a sob and nodded, standing up quickly.
She tore the front door open, sparing Katelyn’s crumpled form a final glance before she ran out of the place that could no longer be her home.
This was it. She knew this was it.
She stood frozen on the sidewalk, silent tears streaming down her face, surrounded by the houses of people who would no longer be her friends.
Was this where she was always going to end up? Alone? Left behind by everyone she’d ever cared for?
Nana stared across the street at Zane’s house.
She imagined him in there, spilling all of her secrets to his brother and his best friend.
She was stupid. She was so stupid to think she could’ve been happy.
Notes:
HELLO! Once again, it has been a long while since I’ve posted. Fortunately, I’ve delved back into my hyperfixation with my favorite couple <3
I hope you all enjoy this chapter and the next ones to come!
Thank u for sticking around <3
Relevant listening:
Rocket - The Army, The Navy
Stupid - Lizzy Mcalpine
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