Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

josh let out a shaky breath, the oxygen creating a mist cloud around his mouth from how cold it was that day. he glanced around, the fog was settling just above the ground, as if not daring to go any lower for fear of disturbing the bodies that lay beneath the dirt. he wiped a stray tear from his eye his family said their goodbyes, their thank you's, their i'll never forget you's. it's been a year, a year since a vessel of his own flesh and blood was torn from him and he was left with a hole in his heart and yet another gap in the family pictures. his grandpa was his only real father figure, since his real father left when josh was just 14...young enough to barely remember it but old enough to fully understand and feel the pain of being so worthless that his own father fucking left him.

"hey, you okay?" jordan, josh's brother nudged him subtly, eyes holding something similiar to concern.

"yeah." josh swallowed the lump in his throat and nodded a little too quickly, teeth chattering a little as the cold air continued to slice into him. he was up next to speak, he clutched the bouquet of pink carnations tightly in his hand and sat down in front of the headstone, legs crossed and head ducked as he felt more tears coming of their own accord.

"can you uh- give me a minute? alone?" he turned to the rest of his family, they exchanged sympathetic glances before nodding in unison.

"take your time, we'll be waiting in the car." josh's mom gave a weak smile, before ushering the rest of her children down the pathway that led to the exit of the graveyard.

josh turned back to the headstone, finally gathering the courage to raise his head and show his tear stained face now that he was alone. except, he didn't really feel alone. he was with his grandpa, he didn't believe in an afterlife but he was sure that the man he looked up to most was looking down on him with a smile, at least he hoped that was the case.

"uh...fuck." josh let out a small laugh as he wiped the tears from his eyes, sniffling as he looked at the pretty font carved across the contradictory bleak looking headstone. "i don't really know what to say...it's uh- it's been hard without you, i guess. i miss you, so fucking much, i know you'd make me put a couple dollars in the swear jar for that but...i really do miss you." he rested his forehead against the headstone, letting out a sob.

"but- but hey, look i-i stopped this." he frantically pulled his sleeves up to reveal his arms, his arms that were striped with scars from a past he didn't really want to remember. "you told me to stop and i- i did, look. are you proud of me? please speak to me, dad." he burst into another fresh bout of tears, "i just want you to see me, i hope you can. would you be proud of me? i think you would but i-i'm not sure."

"grandma misses you a whole lot, she sometimes forgets that you're gone and it breaks my mom's heart to remind her....she kinda...she kinda went out of it after you left, she's not the same." he continued, blinking the tears out of his eyes and watching as they littered the soft soil and made very faint tiny wet spots across it. "none of us have been the same, i miss you i miss you i miss you." he repeated over and over like a mantra, he really couldn't believe it had been a year now. a year since his heart was ripped to shreds, a year since he vowed never to decorate the canvas of his arms with fresh stripes of paint in the form of nasty looking gashes that he'd have to hide from his mom, a year since he'd been happy....

his reckless thoughts were distracted suddenly, when a flash of red caught his eye. he turned his head to the side to see a tall, lanky looking man walking into the graveyard. josh watched on in curiosity as the man walked - no - stumbled, over to a gravestone that was a few beside his own grandpa's. the man looked....tired, gaunt almost. the kind that would call you up at 4am to talk about the meaning of the universe, the kind of person that sought after happiness at the bottom of a bottle of whiskey, the kind that smoked just because they knew that way they had control over how quickly or slowly they deteriorated. the man was clearly drunk, his eyes held a sadness josh had never seen in anyone else's but his own. he tried to subtly watch as the man threw himself to the ground in front of the gravestone, instantly taking out a cigarette and lighting it before blowing the smoke into the air.

"before you ask, yes. i still smoke. yes. i know you thought it was ugly." the man stated, letting out a sharp laugh that held a biting undertone to it.

josh decided out of respect not to eavesdrop, after all, everyone deserved their privacy when it came to situations like this. he turned his head back to the grave in front of him and set the bouquet down, leaning it against the cold tile of the headstone. carnations, pink...they meant 'i'll never forget you', at least that's what the internet told him....whether it was actually accurate or not didn't matter because his grandpa always told him 'it's the thought that counts' anyways.

"i really do hope you can see me." josh whispered, now suddenly aware of the fact he wasn't actually alone now that the stranger a few feet away from him had suddenly shown up. "i miss you, i really do-" he started again but was cut off by a sudden wailing coming from across the graveyard. he snapped his head around to see the stranger from before erupt into tears, fingers curled around the now nearly burnt out cigarette like it was - ironically - their last lifeline. he watched on as the stranger tugged their bright red beanie off to reveal a mess of brown hair and set the beanie to rest atop the headstone, tears clearly burning their vision.

what they said next, sent chills down josh's spine and an overwhelming urge to vomit boil up in his stomach and throat.

"COME BACK, JUST PLEASE FUCKING COME BACK. I SWEAR I DIDN'T MEAN WHAT I SAID.”

Chapter Text

tyler rattled the key in the lock for a good few minutes before finally unlocking the door, pushing it open with such a force it swung against the wall and the doorknob definitely made yet another hole in the wall. he let out a sigh as he staggered in and kicked the door shut behind him, running a hand through his hair before shrugging his jacket off and flinging it somewhere on the already messy floor.

"anybody home?" he called out because honestly, he never really was sure if he'd took anyone home the night prior. fuck knows who could be in his bedroom or any other room for that matter. after a few moments with no response he let out a yawn and a shrug, walking over to the kitchen area of the small apartment and swinging open the cupboards. he shuffled around in them for a second, pulling things out of the way and having them spill across the floor only to pull out a few bottles of pills shortly after. he set them down on the counter and individually unscrewed each separate lid before emptying 3 pills from each bottle onto the counter.

"tyler?" a voice coming from the doorway of his bedroom made him flinch, he turned to see brendon leaning against the frame in nothing but one of tyler's hoodies.

"you scared the fuck out of me." tyler rolled his eyes before swiping the pills into his hands and throwing them into his mouth, quickly grabbing an unknown bottle of alcohol from the counter and using it's contents to wash everything down. brendon walked over and grabbed one of the bottles of pills, inspecting it before shrugging and throwing them back, wincing at the dryness in his throat.

"you don't even need those." tyler huffed before snatching the bottle from his grip, rolling his eyes once again as he realised it was now empty. "great, another fucking trip to the doctor. they're gonna think i'm an addict."

"hey, they make you happy so fuck it." brendon landed a slap to tyler's ass before walking over to the livingroom and jumping onto the couch.

"yeah." tyler snorted, "happy."

brendon shrugged once again before holding his arms out and wiggling his fingers, tyler let out a contented sigh as he walked over and fell on top of him, already feeling the effects of the pills. brendon was tyler's closest friend...and fuckbuddy, basically...because why not? they'd met a few years back, and have been friends ever since. brendon was a freespirit, not really giving a fuck where he was or who he was with as long as he was either having fun or just contented in general....kinda like tyler.

"dude my ass hurts." tyler let out a grunt as he got off brendon's lap and laid lengthways on the couch instead, flinging his legs over him. brendon huffed out a laugh, shooting him a quick smirk before grabbing a pack of cigarettes off the coffee table and taking one out. he lit it up before handing the pack to tyler to which he did the same, they lay like that for a while, the only sound being the drone from the shitty tv tyler was pretty sure brendon stole a few months ago.

"is the record player still working?" tyler spoke up after a while before untangling himself from brendon and standing up, walking over to the old dusty red record player sitting in the corner of the apartment. he kneeled down and plugged it in before grabbing a vinyl off the floor and putting it on carefully, cigarette still in one hand as he used the other hand to delicately pull the needle off its holder and set it on the edge of the large record before turning the whole thing on with the flip off a switch.

it came to life, tyler felt the pills starting to work their magic as a comfortable blanket of music fell over the apartment.

he stood back up and walked into his bedroom, stubbing his cigarette out on the bedside table before going about pulling his clothes off. he found one of brendon's over sized t shirts and pulled it on, not bothering with anything else and strut out into the livingroom, rolling his eyes as brendon wolf whistled at him.

"your ass looks great in those." brendon smirked, tugging at the hem of tyler's boxers as he sat down beside him again. tyler swatted his hand away with another roll of his eyes and yanked the cigarette out of brendon's grip before taking a drag, sinking further into the couch as he exhaled.

"where were you today?" brendon crushed the silence yet again, a lazy smile spread it's way onto tyler's face, his eyes slightly glazed.

"visiting someone." he handed the cigarette back to brendon, bringing his knees up to his chest and rubbing his eyes tiredly.

"oh." brendon flatlined, knowing exactly what he meant. he said no more, deciding not to push tyler any further, fuck knows it didn't end well last time he did. evening was shining in the curtains, the smoke from the cigarette swirled around the beams of light like roots from a tree, tyler's pupils dilated slightly from the pills. brendon looked at him like he was a work of art, like he was a sad story told twice over, like he was a black and white painting with an entire world of colour hidden beneath the cracks.

"something weird happened today." tyler whispered, too exhausted to even raise his voice higher than a soft hush. brendon made a noise of curiosity, willing him to go on.

"there was... a guy. at the cemetery."

"oh...?"

"he was really pretty." tyler rolled his head to the side, wrapping his arms around his knees and pulling them tight into his chest. "his hair was red, a-and he had these big ass brown eyes, he was so fucking pretty, man." he looked up to the ceiling, "he saw me crying, right? and he- he fucking asked me if i was okay, dude. he asked me if i was okay. like- he didn't realise he was talking to a fucking murderer."

"you aren't a murderer." brendon deadpanned, "it wasn't your fau-"

"that's what he said!" tyler suddenly bolted upright like an excited kid, startling brendon slightly, "he fucking told me it wasn't my fault! a stranger! can you believe that shit?! like - fuck- he knows my story or something, i was so close to telling him to get fucked."

brendon shook his head with a laugh, "you're crazy."

"did i mention he was really pretty, though? fuck. i can't get those eyes out of my head man, like- they looked like they held the fucking answers to all my problems. he just had this aura about him, like- a warmth? if i touched him my fingers would burn or something."

"those pills fucked you up." brendon giggled, "are you sure it was the right shit you took?"

"i don't know, actually." tyler bit his lip, eyebrows furrowed. "i'm not supposed to mix them all, but fuck it right?" he shrugged carelessly, hauling himself off the couch and walking back over to the kitchen area. he swung open the fridge, not looking for food....but for one of the many bottles lining it instead. he grabbed a bottle of whiskey and slammed the end of it on the counter, effectively popping the cap off.

"drink?" he waved it about, not bothering to hear brendon's response before taking a swig and grabbing another bottle from the fridge.

"we need to get out of this place, man." brendon sighed as tyler threw the bottle to him, he took a swig, letting out a hiss at the burn that slid down his throat. tyler made a hum of agreement, hopping up on one of the counters.

"i kinda wanna talk to red haired guy first, though." he snorted, flashing a teasing grin at brendon's disapproving look. "what?! he's fucking cute, shut up. it's gonna be hard, though. a cemetery isn't exactly the most popular spot to pick up guys."

"you're actually going to hell, you know that right?" brendon huffed out a laugh, tyler simply shrugged.

"already there, motherfucker."

Chapter Text

josh let out a yawn as he rolled over, his arm instinctively reaching out to wrap around the petite frame that he was so familiar with. he furrowed his brows as he was met with an empty space and he opened his eyes slowly, glancing at the clock on the bedside table before letting out a sigh and sitting up. he grabbed his sweatpants off the floor and pulled them on, looking to the door as it creaked open and a pair of big brown eyes and a mess of blonde hair greeted him.

"you actually let me oversleep for once." josh grinned, walking over and wrapping his arms around her waist.

"watch out you're gonna burn yourself." debby giggled, waving the two cups of coffee in her hands around as josh nuzzled into her neck. she set the cups down on the drawer and let out another soft laugh as josh spun her around and planted a kiss to the tip of her nose.

"i let you oversleep because, well... i knew you needed it after yesterday." she smiled, brushing the stray curls out of his face as he mirrored the same expression. josh hushed a quiet 'thank you' and pecked her once more before going about pulling a t shirt on, debby grabbed one of the cups of coffee and sat on the edge of the bed.

"how did it go yesterday?" she cocked her head, taking a sip of the drink. josh shrugged with a sigh, running a hand through his hair as he leaned against the drawer.

"good, i guess? i don't know." he grabbed the remaining cup and let out another yawn, "something happened, it was weird."

"what?"

"uh- there was like...a drunk dude." josh snorted, his face quickly falling again as he replayed the moment in his head, "he was crying and...yelling, a lot."

"did he hurt you?" worry crossed debby's face, josh shook his head with another nervous laugh.

"nah, trust me. i kinda felt sorry for him. i don't know." he repeated himself, in truth he actually did feel sorry for the guy. he made the mistake of eavesdropping and telling him it wasn't his fault, whatever it was. the guy got...defensive to say the least, but something about him drew josh in even more.

"that is weird." debby furrowed her brows, "anyways, we have a shift soon. at least try and look presentable?" she teased, giggling once again as josh stuck his tongue out at her. he went about getting changed, silently dreading his usual shift at the shitty music store down the street, it always gave him a sense of nostalgia though because it was the place he met debby. he smiled to himself and checked himself in the mirror, rolling his eyes as he heard a wolf whistle behind him.

"been watching me the whole time?"

"what can i say, i like a show."  

"brendon, where the fuck are my meds?" tyler knocked on the bedroom door hard, trying the door handle and huffing when he realised it was locked. "open. the fucking. door."

"hold on, jesus." brendon's drowsy voice came from the other side, tyler stepped back as the door swung open and he was met with a barely clothes and slightly dirty looking brendon.

"meds, where are they fuckass."

"oh shit, yeah." brendon scratched his head as he walked over to the drawer by the window and pulled it open, shuffling around in it for a second before producing a small orange bottle. he chucked the bottle to tyler who caught it with a roll of his eyes, shooting a glare to brendon as he shook it and it sounded more than half empty.

"again? you fucking asshole." tyler walked out into the kitchen area and emptied the bottle onto the counter, two small pink pills fell out. brendon shrugged with an apologetic smile and walked over to the fridge, swinging it open and pulling out a bottle of beer.

"i told you before-"

"yeah yeah, i don't fuckin' need them." brendon mimicked tyler's voice, earning another glare from the younger boy. tyler picked up the two small pills and swallowed them before throwing the bottle at brendon with another huff and walking into his bedroom, ignoring the noise of offense brendon shot after him. he walked over to his bed and threw himself down, burying his face into the pillow as he let out a yawn. he rolled over and reached his hand under the bed, feeling around until he finally caught a hold of the small wooden instrument and pulled it out. he sat up and crossed his legs. strumming absentmindedly at the ukulele as his gaze wandered to the corner of the room. evening was settling in the room and tyler tore his eyes away from the corner and settled on looking at the trees curling outside the window.

"why don't you just open it, dude."

tyler snapped his head around to see brendon leaning against the doorframe, his hand gesturing to the corner of the room. tyler looked over, feeling his stomach drop and something similiar to fear mixed with pain erupt in his blood. the book was starting to gather dust, from being idle for so many months. tyler refused to touch it, he refused to even move it from where it was sat on the small circular corner table.

"haven't touched it since what happened, not gonna touch it now." tyler muttered, turning his attention to his ukulele and humming along to the light tune he was playing. brendon shook his head with a sigh, walking over and crawling onto the bed before shuffling around and resting his head on tyler's lap. he stared blankly up at him, reaching out and running bony fingers through his hair. tyler leaned into the touch and closed his eyes, marvelling in the rare feeling of comfort.

"you gotta let go, man." brendon whispered, tyler sighed and set his ukulele on the floor before lying beside him. they both stared at the ceiling, tyler's head was a little too loud for his own comfort.

"i don't want to." he broke the silence, "let go. i don't want to."

"you can let go in pieces." brendon kept his gaze to the ceiling, his fingers linking with tyler's.

"how?"

"well, you can stop that, for one." brendon turned his head and looked at tyler's chest and stomach, tyler refused to meet his eyes because he knew what he was talking about. the fingernail marks and broken mirror piece wounds always found their way back somehow, he didn't know why he did it, he thought he outgrew self destruction when grew from a teen to an adult.

"i don't want to fucking be in my own skin sometimes, sue me." tyler droaned, brendon huffed out a sharp laugh.

"that's what drugs are for, disconnect. you don't need to do that." he rolled onto his side and trailed a finger down the longest mark that was decorating tyler's ribcage. tyler's breath hitched at the contact and he swatted brendon's hand away with a whine. brendon shrugged with another sigh and rolled back onto his back, a comfortable silence fell over them. tyler closed his eyes, tightening his grip slightly on brendon's hand.

"tyler?"

"yeah?"

"pieces, always remember that."

blood. rain. the smell of alcohol.

tyler squeezed his eyes shut as he rested his head against the cool tile, his fingertips tracing over the name carved into the stone. the rain made the blood on his arms seem almost like watercolour, the way it dripped and curled around his skin almost entranced him in some sort of sick way.

"why the fuck did you have to leave." tyler swallowed hard, suddenly retracting his hand before hitting the headstone with all the strength he had. a cracking sound fled through the air and the pain in his hand ripped a cry from him. his vision started to black out slightly and he completely slumped against the headstone, the bottle in his other hand slipping from his grip and spilling over the soil.

he was about to slip into unconsciousness for another night until he heard footsteps approaching behind him. he tried to gather the strength to turn around but suddenly a pair of hands were gripping his shoulders and spinning him around anyways. he squinted, trying to make out a figure in the nighttime shade. when he realised who it was, his eyes seemed to widen.

"w-what are you doing here?"

Chapter Text

josh opened the door as slow as he could, trying not to wince as a creak echoed throughout the apartment hallways. he kept his arm firmly around the figure that was gripping onto him and walked in, making sure to shut the door gently behind him. the room had a dismal atmosphere to it, the only source of light being the small lamp that was on the table beside the couch. 

"why didn't you just take me home."

josh rolled his eyes as he let out a deep sigh, throwing his car keys on the counter before walking over to the kitchen sink and going about getting a glass of water. "because you didn't tell me where you live, and you're too drunk to even stand."

"ohh." tyler slurred, staggering to the livingroom area and slumping over on the couch. josh shook his head with another sigh and walked over, crouching down and lightly tapping tyler's face before waving the glass of water around. with a little too much effort tyler took the glass and drank it in one go, muttering a thanks as he handed it back to josh. josh gave a soft smile and set the glass on the coffee table, suddenly freezing up as he heard a door being opened behind him.

"josh?"

tyler turned his head as best as he could, seeing a small blonde haired figure leaning against the doorframe of what he assumed was the bedroom. josh got back up and walked over to her, grabbing her hand and walking into the room, slamming the door shut behind him. tyler tried his best to listen, his head still clouded and vision still blurred. he heard muffled talk, before suddenly the door swung open and he saw the girl walk out with a bewildered look on her face.

"are you fucking insane? you don't even know who he is!" she gestured to tyler who was now lying lengthways on the couch with his face buried into one of the cushions.

"he's too drunk to even fucking walk, what was i supposed to do just leave him there?" josh bit back. tyler couldn't really process what was going on from the alcohol as he drifted into unconsciousness, his mind going into that peaceful static mode he always longed for.

"debby, get back in here."

"no, fuck you. you can't just bring a damn stranger in here, a very fucking drunk one at that. i'm staying at dustin's. let me know when he's gone."

tyler was vaguely aware of the sound of a door slamming, then a string of curses that fell on deaf ears as he let himself be taken by sleep.

buzzing. a sick feeling. dizziness and a warped sense of time.

tyler opened his eyes slowly, blinking a few times to get the faded effect out of his vision. the buzzing continued and he felt a small vibration on his leg, he patted his pocket and upon realising it was his phone he pulled it out and answered it, still not aware he wasn't where he was supposed to be.

"hi- hello?" he rubbed his eye with the heel of his hand that wasn't gripping the phone, letting his eyes close tiredly again.

"tyler?! oh my fucking god thank fuck!" brendon's voice echoed through the phone, a panicked undertone to it. "where the fuck are you? you didn't come home last night."

"what? wha-" tyler snapped his eyes open and sat up, his gaze darting around the unfamiliar place. "...what the fuck.." he was cut off by the sound of a door opening behind him, he snapped his head towards the sound and practically fell off the couch, scrambling away as he saw an even more unfamiliar face looking back at him.

"who the fuck are you?!"

"woah, uh- josh. i'm josh." the man looked startled, tyler stood up slowly from the ground and shoved his phone back in his pocket, looking him up and down with narrowed eyes.

"where am i?" he spoke quietly, josh noticed the slight tremble in his hands. "...did we do anything?"

"what? fuck no." josh went wide eyed, "no uh, i was at the cemetery last night and i saw you, you were bleeding and...really drunk. you wouldn't tell me where you lived so i took you back here, uh.."

a few faded memories popped into tyler's head, he instinctively pulled his sleeves up to see them wrapped in bandages. "..wha-"

"i wrapped them after you passed out, you should probably change them soon." josh scratched the back of his neck, his eyes looking anywhere but at tyler. tyler furrowed his brows and looked at him, his stomach dropping as he realised who he was. red hair, brown eyes, it was him.

"holy shit." he suddenly let out a sharp laugh, causing josh to look at him in confusion. "you're the red haired guy from the other day." he clicked his fingers in realisation.

"uh- yeah, i guess so." josh gave a half hearted smile, shuffling his feet awkwardly.

"small world, huh." tyler snorted, pulling his sleeves down as he noticed josh's eyes flitting to them before back to his face. "i'm surprised i didn't try anything, to be honest." his lips upturned in a smirk as his gaze met josh's, josh choked slightly on his tongue before regaining his composure and letting out an awkwardly forced laugh.

"i-i have a girlfriend." he flashed an apologetic smile, tyler snorted once again as he rolled his eyes.

"right, anyways..i should get going, my roommate's worried."

"are you gonna be okay?" josh suddenly took a step forward, a worried look on his face. tyler shrugged, running a hand through his hair as he walked to the door.

"who knows."

"wait! here." josh stopped him from walking out, thrusting his phone into his hand as tyler looked at him in confusion. "just..this probably sounds weird but, call me if you're in trouble again, please."

tyler looked down at the phone and saw josh had his number pulled up for him, he tried to hide his blush as he pulled out his own phone and copied the number in. he put his own number into josh's before handing it back with a sheepish look. he muttered a quiet 'bye' and returned the soft smile josh gave him as he walked out and down the apartment hallway towards the elevator. josh closed the door with a sigh and now a deep rooted feeling of worry in his chest, he always had a protective instinct even if he didn't know the person. it was strange. he was about to call debby to tell her tyler had left now when his phone flashed, he unlocked it and saw a message pop up on the screen:

From: Tyler

thank you.