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“Oh - you think that May is coming with me as....no, it’s sort of the opposite honestly”
Andrew Gardner was once again reminded that Phil Coulson was almost too good of a man. He had watched him struggle through every effort that had come with him arriving back into his and Melinda’s lives; seeing the two of them reunited as partners was eery, as if nothing at all had changed in the past 5 years. One thing that definitely hadn’t changed was the way Phil Coulson looked at Andrew’s now ex-wife. It was far from a new thing; he had been told very early on in his and Melinda’s relationship, on quite good authority, that Phil Coulson had been looking at Melinda May like that for longer than Andrew had even know of S.H.I.E.L.D.’s existence – but that one particular boundary between them was steadfast. Questions had rose to his mind more than once over the past several weeks about exactly how far that boundary had shifted in the time he and Melinda had been separated, yet here Phil stood before him, yet again offering him his partner’s heart with both confusion and relief in his eyes when he declined.
“I got the impression that you two were.....”
“No - no, my only intention with Melinda was to try and heal some of the hurt that I caused with the way we ended things. I knew she could never forgive me, so I – I moved on. Yeah, I remarried last spring and I wanted to make sure Melinda knew there was still space for her in my life, in whatever way she was comfortable with, as friends – or even just colleagues, if you ever needed my help again.”
With the way his features had twisted into a tight frown during his explanation, Andrew was expecting at very least a verbal lashing from Coulson – he was honestly surprised not to have received one after Phil has first reached out to him – but he has written it off as a mark of the man’s professionalism, considering they needed his help. It wasn’t until Agent Coulson continued to speak that things began to fall into place in his head;
“Why would she not forgive you – I know May was the one who filed for divorce after Bahrain – she was the one who walked away?”
Andrew’s gut twisted; a combination of guilt and shame that he had left there, forgotten almost entirely for several years now.
“She really never told you? Christ, Melinda”, even now he found himself chastising her instead of facing his own failings. Regrettably, he realised too late that he had backed himself into a corner – there was no version of this story that made him look good - covering up his role in their ordeal, as he had just learned Melinda had done for several years, felt wrong, but disclosing those painfully guarded events now in her place seemed even worse.
The furious look building in Phil’s face confirmed that a timid retreat was not going to be an option.
“Look, Coulson, I – you should really talk to Melinda about this, I’m not - “
The man cut him off with an unamused snort;
“Sure, because that’s her specialty”.
Andrew had no field training, but he could read body language as well as words on paper, and the subtle way Coulson had angled himself between him and the doorway was a clear declaration; he wasn’t getting out of this – literally or figuratively speaking.
But the words just wouldn’t come.
“Phil, I’m sorry – it's just not my place. I – if it’s not something Melinda wanted you to know then I can’t unmake that decision for her – it wouldn’t be right”.
“From what you’ve said it doesn’t sound like it would be right for her to leave here with you either”.
Coulson’s words surprised him, both as a statement and a challenge. He was intentionally pushing the envelope, utilizing his communications training to try and gauge the severity of his alluded slight against Melinda. Essentially ordering him to leave the plane, without Melinda, as planned was an overt overstep designed to convey one simple message;
Tell me I’m overreacting, or acquiesce, and confirm things are as bad as I’m assuming.
The professional in him vaguely wondered which option Coulson might secretly be hoping for; the immediate relief of finding out what happened or the unspoken confirmation that his best friend had been hurt in some unimaginable way.
His prolonged silence served as enough confirmation for Coulson.
“Our refuelling will be done in 15 minutes – you can make your own way from here”
He didn’t even have time to meet the man’s eye before Coulson stormed from the room.
Somewhere in the back of his mind Phil knew he should take a few minutes to calm down before he spoke to May. But he had given Dr Gardner 15 minutes to vacate his plane and he’d rather not have this confirmation with May in the hangar when she went to sign off on the refuelling.
He could have knocked; she would have opened door, let him in with no questions asked.
He punched his override code into her door panel instead.
The sight of her, in the casual clothes she barely wore, made his heart stop for a second. His gut rolled the sickening pang he got when he saw her packed bag on the bed into more anger.
“What did Andrew do?”
She hadn’t looked angry at his sudden intrusion; her features had softened with concern as she took in his obvious distress. He only saw the briefest flash of...something...before she dropped her gaze. Letting the question hang unanswered between them.
“Phil, I...”
He doesn’t realize he has spoken over her until it’s too late; there’s a rushing in his ears and her voice is uncommonly soft.
“You see May, I’m just trying to wrap my head around whatever the hell I’m missing is – because Dr Gardner has just informed me that he apparently treated you so badly that it ended your marriage but several weeks ago when he arrived you allowed him to work with this team without saying anything, and now, you’re apparently only too willing to drop all your responsibilities here to go meet the man’s new wife?!”
His outburst had burned through some of his rage, he was out of breath, but his hands were no longer shaking. If he was a fraction calmer, he would have known he had done something terribly wrong immediately when May didn’t react to him raising his voice. She wore the mask she usually reserved for other people when she finally lifted her gaze to his;
“What did he tell you?”
“Nothing - I’m not interested in hearing it from him. I begged you to talk to me – after Bahrain, after things went south with Andrew – I've never pushed you, no matter how much I wanted to – I have access to files that I’ve never read because you asked me not to – but dammit Melinda, you let me bring him onto the bus, let him around Skye!”
And there it was. Bubbling to the surface the second he gave it a chance; the real reason for his misdirected rage. This woman had taken bullets for him, patched his wounds and poured him drinks when his heart was broken. She was his best friend. He sent her into a hellhole in Manama and carried her back out. She let him break her but never let him fix it. She had run from her marriage, and he never questioned it because on some level he had accepted she was broken.
It was too late when he finally deciphered the look on her face, and when she finally spoke the tremor in her voice went right through him;
“I’m sorry, Sir, I shouldn’t have withheld information that could have compromised the team. I – it won’t happen again – excuse me’.
Her voice finally broke on those last words as she pushed her way past him. She was gone before he could reach for her and for a moment, he felt like he was right back in that desert – only now there was no 084, no gifted to shift the blame onto – just him and his wounded ego.
He wasn’t a coward.
Well, he was, but he didn’t chase after her to give both of them a chance to calm down. Mostly himself, he thought bitterly, she had been calm. Hell, she had been happy until he burst into her room and screamed at her.
15 minutes came and went in a blur; the ground crew had paged him when nobody arrived to sign off on the refuelling and he found himself standing uselessly outside May’s door.
He had knocked, this time, but she had every right not to open the door. Still, professionalism won out and he opened the door. Her bag sat where she had left it, her phone too, forgotten on her bedside table. He should have known the room would be empty.
He didn’t, however, expect to find the gym, the cockpit and the refuelling station empty. In one last vain attempt, he checked his own quarters – it was after all the last place he had thought to look for her. And he knew she snuck in there to shower more than once. He pretended he didn’t know, and she pretended she didn’t know that he did. His eyes were drawn instantly to his desk, and the bottle he knew he hadn’t left there. It was no bottle of Haig, but it was good Scotch, too good to have gotten locally. His fingers barely trembled as he lifted it to retrieve the neatly penned note folded beneath it;
We’re opening this when I get back. Try not to die again.
xièxiènǐ děngwǒ
- M
He swallowed thickly as he re-read the last line – he had never really been concentrating when May had tried to teach him Mandarin. Thank you for waiting for me. It made him want to punch things.
He avoided the confused glances from his team as he went to liaise with the ground crew. They couldn’t leave until the plane’s pilot signed off on the refuelling and were unimpressed to say the least to be informed there would be further delays. They had been late docking as it was and the team retreated inside, away from the cool night air, grumbling amongst themselves about spending the night in the hangar. He watched them retreat as he tried to get his heart and his mind to stop racing. Going inside meant facing the team; who wouldn’t be as easily placated as the ground crew. Just as he resigned himself to the uncomfortable conversation to follow, he stopped at the sound of a gentle clink echoing in the vast emptiness of the night. He had long since gotten used to the sounds the plane made as it settled but that little noise had caught in his ear – it didn’t belong. He was carefully studying the plane in the darkness when he heard it again, and realised it was coming from above him. It may have taken him a moment to figure it out, but he knew exactly what it was in less than a second.
Actually getting on top of the plane was another story. There was probably an easier maintenance route that he could have used internally but he didn’t feel like going inside, plus, he had seen May climb the outside of the plane dozens of times. His cheeks warmed in the cool night air as he realized he had never watched where she was putting her hands.
He was breathing hard by the time he had commandeered some of the ground crew's equipment and hauled himself atop the smooth surface of the aircrafts roof. May’s gaze remained fixed on the stars as he came to lay beside her, somewhat relieved to note the bottle of spirits by her side was still full. Most of her clothes were in a small pile by her feet, leaving her skin rough with goosebumps as she lay in shorts and a tank, soaking up the chill of the metal beneath her. He mirrored her position, laying on her back, and shuffled as close to her as he could without touching her. After a moment he placed his hand silently next to hers, letting his knuckles graze her freezing skin; a silent offering. The breath he hadn’t realized he had been holding rushed from him, a small cloud in the cool air, as Melinda immediately slipped her hand into his. He turned his head hopefully, but her gaze was still fixed on the skies above – even in the dim moonlight he could see the redness around her eyes and the tear tracks still wet on her cheeks. He wanted to pull her into his arms, to chase away the hurt and the cold, but he had seen her use this trick before – using the cold to ground her, clinging to the burn it caused on her skin as she tried not to spiral. The last time was after Bahrain; nobody has heard from her for 3 days when he finally found her, lips blue and skin scalded from frost as she lay on the frozen surface of the small lake behind her mother’s old house; he thought she was dead.
“He did hurt me, sent me over the edge but he was never a risk to the team. I would never – if he thought he was any risk to Skye – I wouldn’t have let him anywhere near her”.
She whispered her confession into the night.
“I wouldn’t let them keep me in medical – I wasn’t trying to be difficult – I couldn’t let them touch me. I was – I was scared”.
Her voice trembled and broke and he had to force himself not to shush her words away, to tell her none of it mattered, that she didn’t need to be scared anymore. He’d never let anyone hurt her, especially not himself.
“I was in so much pain, Phil, I didn’t know what was happening – everything – everything hurt so much, and I had no idea, I – I – I didn’t figure out what was happening until I started bleeding and – and it just wouldn’t stop. I was all alone and I just – I wanted to die. I thought maybe if I let myself keep bleeding I’d die with the baby, and I wouldn’t have to face anyone”
The cold finally made her shiver as she lost her grip, let herself be dragged backwards to the depths of her darkest moment. Her free hand clutched at her stomach and Phil tasted blood in his mouth.
“After I told Drew about the girl, I couldn’t even look at him. I wouldn’t let them operate on my leg, I wasn’t eating, I couldn’t talk to him but he was getting frustrated.”
He held his breath while she caught hers.
“We had been trying – before – he had wanted me to take a step back from field work until after the baby was born but I didn’t want to wait – I promis – I promised him I’d be so careful, that if I even though I was pregnant I wouldn’t go into the field. I should have known, Phil. What kind of mother doesn’t know.”
His resolve broke when her sobs started to shake her tiny form. She barely responded to his touch as he pulled her against his chest; he knew her mind was far away, but he tried to impart to her what little warmth he had, held her close so that she might mirror his breathing.
“When Andrew found me – and he asked what was happening – I told him I was pregnant. It was the first time I got to say it and it was already over. I was – I was in shock and I couldn’t explain. He thought that I’d known, because I declined another assignment the day before you asked me to come to Bahrain – he thought that I knew and I chose you and S.H.I.E.L.D. over him and our family and I – I killed our baby as well as that little girl”
He didn’t have words, so he let her cry, just rocked her softly as she turned into his embrace. Held her impossibly tighter as she curled into him as if she was trying to disappear. Her sobs had softened when she continued;
“I didn’t tell him he was wrong because it didn’t feel like he was. I was the reason we lost our baby. He said the most awful things and they all felt true. I couldn’t tell you – I couldn’t tell you because if you looked at me the way he looked at me that night I really wouldn’t have been able to keep going.”
He knew she was finished when she all but went limp in his arms, the tension leaving her in one swift, boneless wave.
“Mel, I’m so - “
“Please don’t. Please”
She tensed up in his arms as soon as he spoke, cringing away from him slightly. Shushing her softly he tried to restore her calm, rubbing soothing circles on her back as he tucked her head under his chin. After a moment he continued;
“I wanted to apologise for earlier, I overstepped, and I acted like a jackass – and I tried to make this about work instead of admitting I was worried for my friend – I – I don’t know what I’d do without you Mel – a lot of the time I don’t know what to do with you, but I’m completely lost without you”.
His half-hearted jab turned one of her sobs into a wet chuckle and the sound made him feel like he could breathe again. The only weight left on his chest was from Melinda’s tiny frame. He’s not sure how long they laid there like that, truth be told he could have held her like that for the rest of his life and he’d consider it well spent but he could see dark clouds gathering overhead.
Stroking the hair gently away from her tear-stained face, he nudged her chin gently to meet his gaze;
“How are you feeling?”
Her lips were chewed, and her eyes were puffy, and somehow, she’d never looked more beautiful as she did gazing up at him right then, her expression completely unguarded. But he loved her more because she made him laugh.
“I’m cold”
He couldn’t resist placing a gentle kiss to the crown of her head as he chuckled into her hair;
“Well, you know, someone left a rather nice bottle of whiskey on my desk that might help warm us both up”
His whole body froze when he heard the words leave his mouth, slipping forward too easily in their brief moment of levity. Melinda pulled back from him slowly and he thought his heart might shatter. The apology he was about to give was stolen as Melinda reached up to cup his face; her hand was freezing but that was far from the reason he shivered at her touch. She ran her thumb gently over his lower lip and he’s pretty sure his brain short-circuited.
“I don’t think I need the whiskey”
He was still trying to process her breathy whisper when her mouth ghosted against his; so soft he thought maybe she hadn’t meant to kiss him until she did it again. Her lips parted against his, her tongue slipping forward, encouraging his to do the same. She stole his breath until he wished he didn’t need to breathe, and he was forced to break away from her. Between the cold creepy over him and the warmth spreading through him, his brain was struggling to pull a sentence together; to say something, anything.
“Please Phil, just give me another minute – another minute and I promise we can just - “
His brain snapped into focus when he realized she he thought he was pulling away – that he was trying to think of something to say not to make this awkward instead of the reality of the fact that he was dumbfounded by finally knowing what it was like to kiss her. Not because they were undercover, or young and drunk, but because it was just the two of them and it felt right. She really had no idea how much she meant to him – not that he could really blame her – he'd spent the better part of two decades denying it to himself.
She had begun to slip from his embrace, what might be his best shot slipping away with her, so he steeled himself, reaching for her and diving off that final precipice, having no clue where he was about to land;
“Melinda - there is no ‘one more minute’ for me. I love you. I don’t want to hold you for just another minute, I don’t ever want to let you go again. You’re so brave, and I don’t want to be the reason you have to keep being brave. I want – I want to be the one you can fall apart in front of, not because of. I want – I want....you”
He ran out of words, and so he kissed her.
She was done talking, and she kissed him back.
The rain started to pelt down around them, and they struggled to stand on numb legs. Melinda’s hand never leaving his as she led him to the maintenance hatch above the cockpit. She urged him down ahead of her, to spite his protests but it meant he was right where he needed to be when her bare foot slipped against the ladder. She didn’t have far to fall but when he caught her, he held her like she had dropped from 50 feet.
“I’ve got you – I've got you”
“I know Phil, xièxiènǐ děngwǒ”
Thanks for waiting for me.