Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Flash of big toothy smile. Hand wiping away chocolate.

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Hank Voight was at his desk. He took a gulp of scotch as he lifted the file that was taunting him all afternoon. His hand gently glided over the cover which read - Coroner Report: Detective Jay A. Halstead.

It had been 19 weeks and 3 days since Jay went missing. Those five months were the most harrowing of the intelligence unit's lives. Jay was gone and no matter what leads they chased down they couldn't find him nor bring him home.

They had all worked together for so long their collective hearts became one beating vessel. With one violently ripped away everything was off kilter. It was not the same and it never would be.

After 7 weeks CPD forced them to take on new cases. They protested at first, but eventually they accepted they couldn't search forever. After some pretty intense protests and unwillingness to adhere, they relented. Chicago always had something up its sleeve. Intelligence was needed to keep the balance between good and evil.

They never gave up though. They always had one foot in their new cases and one foot in trying to find their brother. They’d search and fight until he was brought home where he belonged.

Hailey continued to come to work -- day in and day out -- as much as she tried to hide it and to compensate for her heartache- she was a shell of herself. Work was the only thing that sustained her through her tormented abyss.

The unknowing was cruel.

Where was he? What was happening to him? Was he in pain? Was he calling out for her?

How the heck are you supposed to go on living your life when a part of your soul is nowhere to be found?

When you don't know their fate?

When they could be out there alone. suffering, desperate to be saved?

All the unknowns, all the unanswered questions left CPD's Intelligence unit in an anxious limbo they could not escape.

That was until today. Today they finally got an answer.

Tragically it was not the one they were desperately searching for.

Jay was dead.

They had chased down a lead that came to them somewhat suspiciously. A boy showed up with a popcorn container. In it was Jay’s badge smeared in blood. Pinned to it was an address.

Something about it felt too easy. They followed the lead to a warehouse in Indiana, but they were too late. An explosion set everything a blaze until the entire edifice was burnt to the ground. A few remains were pulled from the wreckage. They were so badly burned and crushed the medical examiner had to rely on pulling dental records to identify the victims.

After 5 treacherous days of waiting top brass visited Jay’s next of kin. As a sign of respect they didn’t just send anyone. The Chief himself came. First at the district and then to Med to relay the painful truth to Jay’s surviving family – his wife and brother.

The dental records from one of the cinged remains matched Jay's.

It was over. He was really gone.

The words from the messengers were straightforward and sympathetic. She stared at Jay's empty desk as she glazed over no longer hearing what they were saying. The rest of the team inched closer to her finally wrapping her in their arms. In the safety of their embrace, Hailey began to sob -- the past months had been hell, but she held out hope that her sweet, brooding, fierce, huge hearted man would return home.

She believed it so deeply it kept the true grip of grief from entering her heart. He felt alive in her. The feeling was so real. Alas, it was all an exercise of magical thinking. Whatever the rest of her life would entail, it would be without the only person she ever truly loved.

Hank spent the afternoon consoling his team. He made sure to spend at least a minute or two with each of them one on one. Despite having an inkling of who was behind Jay's kidnapping and murder, he uncharacteristically ordered everyone to take the next day off. They all needed to begin to process the loss and let go of any guilt they harbored for not finding him in time.

So when the sun had long set, he was finally alone. Just him, Jay's death certificate, and coroner's report.

He quickly scanned the documents. After decades on the job he knew how to read these like a nursery rhyme. They all had the same cadence and rhythm.

This time the words were about one of his own.

For Hank there was no work family and home family. There were no lines. Jay, Hailey, Kevin, Kim, Adam, and Dante were the closest people in his world and in his heart. And Jay was his better angel, always pushing him to be the more ethical version of himself. Now his boy was reduced to a few summarizing statements:

"Burned beyond recognition."

"Evidence of torture."

"Molar extraction 100% match for Jay Alexander Halstead."

For the first time since Al died, Hank wept with wild abandon. His office providing the perfect shield from the rest of the world. His leaking tears evidence of his heart's crushing pain. 

When he heard rustling in the office, he began wiping his tears, only to discover it was Trudy.

She didn’t miss a beat and came over to push his hands away from wiping away the liquid anguish exiting his body.

"Not tonight you don’t. Tonight we let it out," she ordered as she sat down with a matching tear-stained face and poured herself some scotch.

Sound of children laughing. Sunlight glistening between leafy trees.

Hailey and Will had grown closer during Jay's disappearance. Unable to process his absence they could relate to one another's shared heartache. Will was the only one who fully understood the immense size of the hole Jay left behind. And Hailey was the only other person that loved Jay as deeply as Will.

They'd check in with one another. Share meals occasionally. Hailey even began joining him watching Black Hawk games and by spring, White Sox games. Something he and Jay would try to do at least once a week.

Being together made each of them feel closer to Jay. Every joke they made about him, every memory conjured kept Jay's presence alive and well. The balance of their worlds was off kilter yes, but Jay was still with them trying to even things out.

The night his death was confirmed they spent crying in each other's arms. It broke them each in a way that felt unrepairable. It hurt in ways they couldn't confront alone. It was the most devastating loss they would ever experience.

Wiping away chocolate. Laughter, Big heartwarming smile.

The next morning Hank realized he could not follow his own advice and he stumbled into the office. He wanted to get a jump on finding the monster that did this to his boy and bringing him to justice. Jay deserved so much more than he received. He would at that very least get justice in his name.

He was shocked to find everyone already at their desks working the morning away.

“I thought I told you to take the day,” Hank said.

“You said we need to process. We need to find a way to let go of the guilt. This is how we do that,” Kim said matter of fact.

Hank smacked a photo onto the board. “Alexander “Sasha” Shusterovich.”

“Is that the prick we took down years back for selling hundreds of keys of heroine every week?” Adam asked.

“That’s the one,” Hank nodded.

“How the hell did he get out?” Adam asked incredulously. “He was responsible for hundreds of deaths in Illinios alone. Not to mention the rest of the Mid-West”

“During Covid, in the name of de-densifying overcrowded prisons, they let some people out early that were eligible for parole. It was only supposed to be non-violent offenders.” Hank answered.

“Someone’s hands got greased,” Kevin surmised.

“Yeah and Sasha had a lot of dirty money to grease with,” Hank added.

Dante pulled up the file. “Says here his son Mikael was killed when we raided their safe house. Hank was the officer that fired.”

“I shot the prick and Jay and Adam arrested Sasha,” Hank added.

“When that kid dropped off the popcorn box with the clue for the warehouse in Indiana, he had a thick Russian accent. It was unique though, it took me a minute to place it. But it was the same dialect Sasha and his boys spoke.”

“So you think this was an eye for an eye?” Adam asked.

“More like a son for a son,” Hank sighed.

Crack of the bat. Laughter. Sun glistening. Big toothy smile, chocolate.

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“Hailey no one is here to put you on a timeline. Grief is not linear. But it has been a week since we heard from the coroner. The brass wants to do a full CPD funeral and procession to honor Jay. The military wants to give him a proper sendoff too. But they can’t do anything without your blessing,” Hank gently implored.

“Jay was beloved- the CPD feels it’s important for everyone in blue to have a chance to pay their respects,” Hank added.

Hailey knew Hank was right. Of course Jay deserved to be honored, to be celebrated, to be buried honorably by his family in blue. She just couldn’t do it. She couldn’t say the words. Doing so would mean he was really gone. Despite all the evidence before her, she wasn’t ready to fully accept the totality of the truth and all that it meant. Deep inside she didn’t believe it was true.

Will got down to her eye level. “Hailey, he is laying in the coroner’s office. He wouldn’t want that. We can’t leave him there like that,” he said softly but earnestly.

“Something small. Jay doesn’t like to be the center of attention. He would hate the pomp and circumstance,” she responded looking despondently across the room to avoid eye contact with anyone.

Kim, Kevin, and Adam were standing against the wall. “I’ll help. Only brass that has to be there, 21^st family maybe some of his friends from CFD,” Kim chimed in.

“And his Rangers brothers,” Adam added.

“We can do this. Small, lowkey, genuine. That is who Jay is…” Kevin stopped himself before correcting to was.

Laughter. Baseball flying through the air. Sun glistening through the leafy trees.

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Small is all relative. Especially when you are talking about a beloved and highly decorated police detective and elite Army Ranger. Jay wasn’t the most outgoing of men, but during his decade and a half career he shared meaningful encounters with many people- whether in boot camp, Afghanistan, the streets of Chicago... Those shared experiences created connections that were bigger than staying in touch via text. They were unbreakable bonds built to withstand the test of time.

Mouse joined Intelligence in the front row.

The ceremony was simple and heartfelt. The theme etched on the program was David Eagleman’s concept of three deaths: “There are three deaths. The first is when the body ceases to function. The second is when the body is consigned to the grave. The third is that moment, sometime in the future, when your name is spoken for the last time.”

Hailey’s one wish was that Jay’s legacy and name would be spoken for as long as possible. It was a call to action.

Friends and colleagues were invited to share stories, memories, recollections… anything to keep Jay’s spirit with everyone. Jay’s and Hailey’s village headed the call.

Countless speakers came up regaling the room of Jay’s heroics, his antics, his acute sensitivity, his bravery, his kindness, his tenderness, his intensity, his moodiness, his boyish sense of humor…. and most of all his undeniable humanity.

His intelligence family did not speak. They laughed, they cried, they held each other tight. But what they had to share about their brother, husband, and son was not meant for a crowd. It was too intimate, too raw and exposed. Not ready for primetime. Not yet.

Hailey did not cry. She sat in silence. Trying her best to let the stories of her beloved’s goodness wrap her mourning soul in warmth. When the flag from Jay’s coffin was folded and handed to her. She buried her face in it hoping the rest of the room would just disappear.

In the end Will got up for him and Hailey. He saw she did not have it in her to speak. He himself was deep in grief se he kept it short.

“Thank you all for being here and for sharing your glimpses of our guy. I don’t think you can ever move on from losing someone like Jay Halstead. But I do believe we can all move forward with his righteousness in our hearts. Let him inspire us to be better and do better. Jay Halstead did many things well but above all he always tried to do the right thing. We all try to do a little more of that and we can truly honor him and ensure that his name is spoken for generations to come.”

That afternoon a small private group went to the cemetery where Jay’s and Will’s parents were buried. He had been burned badly, Hailey and Will didn’t have it in their hearts to cremate him further. When Jay’s coffin was lowered to the ground Hailey’s heart went right along with it. She let out a wail that echoed hauntingly through the air. That was it. It was her first acknowledgment that he was really gone. Her release granted permission for everyone including Hank to let it rip. And they did.

Burying someone at a young age when there was so much love left to share is the utmost cruelty the world has to offer. Yet here they were standing arm over arm burying one of their own.  

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Chocolate rimmed smile. Hand smack.

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After the ceremony the mourners ended up at Molly’s the crowd of 150 at the funeral swelled tothousands. All day long people flowed in and out to pay their respects. Former Rangers, friends form childhood, families of victims he helped, police, fire, Med… they all came. It was a thing of beauty and pain. It was as if the city of Chicago itself was weeping the loss of its native son.

By 2AM Herrmann unceremoniously kicked everyone out. He saw the exhaustion on Hailey, Will and all of Intelligence. The outpouring of love was a spectacular display of what he meant to people. At some point they had to go home and rest. Go home and face their new reality.

Everyone was drunk and completely emotionally drained. Not the healthiest combo. But one that various cultures used to facilitate mourning for centuries.

Uber after Uber were called. Severide and Stella walked all of Intelligence out.

“I’ll make sure she gets home safely,” Will assured.

He and Hailey climbed into a patrol officer’s car and were driven home.

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Red headed little boy hitting a pitch thrown by another. Children’s laughter. Sun glistening through the leafy trees.

Will stumbled into the apartment barely holding Hailey up. They were both—wasted—I believe is the technical term.

They had just endured the longest day of their lives. Hailey fell to the couch overcome with sadness. Will came over to help her up and comfort her.

“I don’t know if I can do this without him,” she choked out. “I miss him so much.  I don’t know if I want to,” she sobbed.

Tears cascaded down Will’s cheeks. Jay was the last family member he had left. He was not only orphaned but now left completely alone in this world.

“We will get through it. Jay would want us to be strong and to live happy lives. He would be kicking our asses if he saw us moping around for too long,” Will said trying to illicit a smile.

Hailey looked up big blue eyes finding big brown eyes. She nodded and smiled meekly.

Somwhere lost in translation between love and heartache-- they surrendered to their mutual sorrow and desire to somehow connect with Jay they fell into one another.

In every inch of Will Hailey was searching for Jay. In every inch of Hailey Will was searching for connection with his brother.

“Don’t you dare,” hand smacking away hand trying to wipe off chocolate rimmed smile.

“Shhhhh…” I have a feeling she is nursing quite the headache this morning,” Hank said as he and Adam approached the apartment door. “Just a quick check to make sure she is ok,” he added.

They knocked a few times before announcing they were coming in. They all had keys to one another’s apartments. Ever since Jay’s disappearance the team had been doing rotations checking in on her.

They came in and saw male and female clothes strewn on the floor. They immediately realized that perhaps they walked into something more intimate than was meant for them.

Hailey opened her eyes. The depths of her exhaustion reached beyond physical and her whole being felt sapped. She rolled over in bed after hearing the door open. She saw Will next to her and immediately grimaced. “What the hell did I do?” she thought to herself.

She threw on one of Jay’s t-shirts and walked out to find Hank and Adam trying to tiptoe towards the front door. They hadn’t been able to escape before she walked out.

Hailey was horrified. “Uh, um, everything ok?” she asked as she hurriedly picked up the clothes on the floor. She knew they saw them but somehow making them disappear felt necessary.

They were all embarrassed. Hailey was a grown woman and she felt like she just got caught sneaking a boy into her bedroom. But this wasn’t some boy. This was Will fucking Halstead. Her newly deceased husband’s brother.

“Hey, we just wanted to check in and see how you are doing. We can come back later its fine,” Hank said trying to eye Adam to leave.

Hailey nodded trying to move them out.

Just as they turned to leave as if on cue, Will stumbled out of her bedroom in his boxers.

“You alright Hai….” He cut his thought short at the sight of Hank and Adam.

Hank’s eyes narrowed looking at him. Adam’s shock was written across his face. No one could muster a word.

Mortified didn’t cover it.

Hank reached over and grabbed Will’s pants and threw them at him. “You might want to cover yourself up,” he sniped.

They then turned around and left.

Red headed boy and brown headed boy laughing as the baseball sailed into the trees lost in the glistening sun.

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Two weeks had gone by since that fateful morning. Hailey didn’t have the desire, energy, stamina, or guts to go to work and face everyone or to face Jay’s desk once more.

Right after Hank and Adam left that morning she and Will talked. They both regretted the decision and wanted to pretend it didn’t happen. Will wanted to keep being there for one another, but Hailey completely shut down.

The dirt wasn’t even dry on Jay’s grave and she slept with his brother. The one person left in Jay’s family. She couldn’t and wouldn’t forgive herself.

Will felt bereft too. He was reeling from Jay’s death. Hailey and the intelligence family were the only thing that made him feel even a little bit safe with his anger and devastation.

He screwed it all up. Hailey truly was a sister to him and somehow in their shared grief they went searching for Jay in all the wrong places.

He had tried to reach out several times since, but she ignored his calls. She wasn’t trying to be cruel, but Hailey was spiraling.  She was too ashamed to reach out to anyone from the 21^st and now Will felt toxic.

Alone in her grief her heart was yearning… like a Mama Bear searching for a lost cub she’d release guttural sobs into the air that went unheard.

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Will finally had enough. This couldn’t be the legacy of Jay’s death. Jay wouldn’t want them to punish themselves for eternity. He wouldn’t want each of them left alone to deal with their grief. He wouldn’t want them alone period.

Hailey ignored the first few knocks but finally she relented and opened the door. “Hey,” she said trying her best to look him in the eyes.

“Hey,” he answered. “Ok if I come in for a few minutes?”

Hailey nodded. “Yeah of course.”

Will looked around and could quickly surmise how Hailey was doing. The apartment was a wreck. Sure Jay was the one that kept things immaculate, but Hailey held her own to some degree. Now the place looked like they had been robbed. Mail piled up, dishes overflowing, laundry strewn about. The air felt stale like she hadn’t opened a window in weeks.

They sat in awkward silence before Will began,

“Hailey what happened between us was a mistake we both know that. I love you like I have always loved you as my sister.”

“I feel the same way Will. I have no idea what we were thinking.”

“We weren’t,” he admitted. “We were a fucking drunk depleted mess.”

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Adam and Kevin were collecting mail from Trudy at the front desk when commotion broke out by the front doors.

Two patrol were trying to push a delivery man outside.

“You can’t bring something like that in here,” one officer shouted.

Trudy caught wind instantly and came from around the desk.

“What the hell is this?” she said looking at a large wooden crate with “livestock handle with care” stamped around its sides.

“Look Ma’am,” the delivery man began. “Sergeant,” she shot back sternly.

“Sergeant, we are following our directions which say to deliver this to Sergeant Henry Voight at this address,” he said trying to find the right packing slip.

“Officer Ruzek would you please get Sergeant Voight down here.”

“You got it Sarge,” he said as he whipped out his phone.

“Packages this large have to go around the back to the loading area by the roll up. There could be a bomb in this thing for goodness sakes!” Trudy said in an exasperated tone.

“Get this out of my lobby, now!” She ordered sharply.

“Listen Sergeant I have a job to do,” the delivery man yelled. “Besides my guy that helped carry this in already is back at the truck.”

Kevin stepped forward, “You heard the lady.” He said making sure to flex his incredible arm muscles.

“Alright, alright, give me a second to go back and get Robert to help.”

While the delivery man went to get his partner Hank came bounding down the steps with Adam.

“What the hell?” he asked confused.

Trudy handed him the packing slip.

“Did you order a new pet?” she asked with a smirk.

Hank scanned the packing slip trying to understand what the mishap was all about.

He froze for a second.

“Sarge?” Adam asked. “You alright?”

“Open the crate!” he said barely catching his breath.

“What?’ Trudy asked now even more confused. “We can’t open something like this here.”

“Open the damn crate!!!!?” he said as he began to claw at the wooden box himself.

Everyone saw the intensity in Hank’s eyes and actions.

When the delivery men came back Kevin grabbed a crowbar out of their hands to help pry the crate open. When the wood panels were cracked, they all fell loudly to the ground revealing another cage or box covered in a black sheet.

Kevin grabbed the swiss army knife from his keychain and ripped the sheet open.

What was revealed to them in that moment was shocking and horrifying beyond any imagination.

“Get him out, get him out, get him out!!! Hank said as he used the butt of his gun to try to break the padlock locking the cage door.

Before them was what they first believed to be a naked skeletal corpse. The victim was so emaciated his shackles had torn through his skin on his ankles and wrists right to the bone. There was only flesh and bone, nothing else.

Hank was like a a savage animal clawing to get to something sacred. Kevin and Adam eased him out of the way and with one brutal hit Kevin broke the lock off.

Kevin got down on the floor and pulled the skeletal frame out gently right onto Adam’s lap. Adam took the hood off that was covering the John Doe’s head. Hank kneeled down and pulled the filthy cloth off his eyes, while Adam unbuckled the leather gag in his mouth.

At first Adam and Kevin didn’t understand what they were looking at. The John Doe’s face was brutalized beyond any recognition. One eye was swollen so shut that his face looked deformed. Many teeth were knocked out. He was shackled in chains that connected to one another at his ankles, wrists, and neck. Blood stains down his legs.

Hank grabbed the man’s head and began searching for a sign of life frantically. “He’s got a pulse,” he sobbed.

This was something no one, truly no one, had every witnessed. Hank Voight falling apart.

“Get a blanket. Ge something to cover him up,” Hank choked out hoping to give him even the smallest modicum of dignity in all of this. “Call a damn bus,” he yelled as he regained some composure.

Adam and Kevin lifted the John Doe together and brought him into a side office waiting for paramedics. When they lifted him, they felt the many broken bones present as his body flopped in unnatural positions. His pulse was thready at best.

“I don’t think we have time to wait, “Kevin called out.

“I’ll get the car meet in front in 3 min,” Hank demanded.

As the man lay across both of their laps they realized he was shaking. Adam pulled out the earplugs they hadn’t noticed were stuffed harshly in his ears.

“Hey man, hey. You are safe. We are going to get you some help,” Adam said gently trying not to startle or further scare the brutalized man.

With his soft words John Doe slowly opened his better eye as best as he could. In that moment Adam froze in abject shock as he understood Hank’s bizarre behavior. The army green color of his eye was unmistakable.

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Big beautiful smile. Wiping chocolate from her mouth. His hand hit away. Genuine soul assuring smiles shared.

Chapter Text

“Kev,” Adam barely choked, not able to form words. Was he losing his mind?

“Ruz lets go. Voight will be out front any second,” Kevin said as he saw both Adam and the John Doe shaking.

“His eye, Kev,” Adam whispered as the shock continued to make him breathless. “Let’s go man the doctors will check out his eyes and everything else,” Kevin implored. The state of the victim was truly shocking, but Adam was acting strangely. They were all trained to stay calm in crisis.

Kevin lost patience and scooped the man up, shocked how light he was despite all the shackles attached to his frame. He was cumbersome to carry as the shackles forced his arms and legs into a tight ball behind his back. The way his limbs were confined was not natural.

They ran out of the district down the main steps. Hank was just pulling up.

With the physical weight lifted off him, Adam snapped out of it and ran after them making it to the jeep just in time to jump in the backseat first. Kevin gently eased the victim’s body onto Adam, and he sat next to him.

“How is he?” Hank belted out.

Adam still wasn’t able to talk – his mind and heart trying to comprehend what was unraveling before him.

“Not good boss. Pulse is weak, he has a fever, and his extremities are freezing,” Kevin updated.

Hank jumped into the front and slammed on the gas. He began calling and shouting orders.

“Burgess I need you and Torres to go get Upton and bring her to Med!” he barked. “Ok we are across town…” Before she could finish, he was on to the next call.

“Boden is Severide or Herrmann on duty with you right now?” “Yeah, they both are, what do you need?’

“Meet me at MED with the strongest bolt cutters you have,” Hank asked. “Keep this quiet,” he asked.

“See you in 5,” Boden answered.

“We got you brother,” Adam whispered over and over and over. He couldn’t tell if it was registering of if he could hear him. The victim’s eye closed aside from a tiny slit of light that was getting in. He had been deprived of light for some time now making the morning sun blinding. His mouth opened. Nothing but a strained moan came out.

Adam and the man in his arms were both shaking.

“Ruzek you ok?” Kevin asked concerned. Yes, their John Doe was brutalized beyond anything Kevin had seen but this was hitting Adam especially hard.

Adam looked at him, “the eyes,” he whispered.

Kevin reached over to try to understand why Adam was so fixated. He gently pried open the lid on the less swollen eye and paused. The green hue was unique, rich, intimate. He then grabbed the man’s face to look him over. Despite several teeth missing, a familiar curl of the lip materialized.

“It can’t be,” he shivered as the shock cascaded down his body. “Halstead?”

Kevin’s recognition allowed Adam to let the tears forming flow. He wasn’t crazy. This was real. Jay was alive and clinging to life in his hands.

“Boss?” Kevin called out in a broken voice. He was fighting back tears.

“I know. We don’t have time for that now. Let’s get him help,” Hank said.

Kevin and Adam spent the rest of the drive to Med taking in the state of their friend. Their brother in arms -now literally laying broken in their arms. They had just buried him weeks ago. They were only beginning to process the loss.

Now the pure shock of him cradled on their laps and alive was only superseded by the devastation of his condition.

Whatever happened to Jay, wherever he was for all of those months, he was brutalized and diminished in ways they were unable to comprehend.

The joy of his impossible return was clouded by the barbaric evidence of what he had endured.

“Jay its Adam, Kevin, and Hank. We have been looking for you. We never stopped looking,” Adam said through his own tears.

Jay tried to speak again. But he was so weak and dehydrated only little croaky grunts came out despite him moving his mouth.

“Shhhh ,” Kevin soothed. “We are going to get you cleaned up. Get you some relief,” Kevin said in reaction to his friend’s failed attempt at communication.

Adam took a water bottle that was in the right-side door pocket. He passed it to Kevin as he held Jay’s head up. They carefully worked together to try to get some desperately needed hydration into him. They saw how hard it was for Jay to swallow. He had a collar fixated around his neck attached to chains. When his arms or legs moved it pulled on his neck. He couldn’t swallow. He was so broken.

“We got you brother,” Adam promised as he watched Kevin slowly drip small drops of water onto Jay’s tongue.

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Will and Hailey spent an hour together talking through things. Trying desperately to get back to a sense of ease between them. That is when they heard a knocking at the door.

“Hailey its Kim and Dante, open up,” Kim said forcefully.

Hailey was startled. She had a done a good job avoiding her intelligence family since that fateful night of Jay’s funeral.

She threw her hair back into a ponytail as she made her way to the door.

The door was opened just enough to send the message I am not inviting you in. But really, she didn’t want them seeing she was with Will. Undoubtedly Adam told her what had transpired between them and deep shame still resided in that space.

“Kim, what’s up?” Hailey said curtly. She was very tired. Too exhausted and sad to interact with the world.

“Voight ordered we come bring you to Med,” she replied softly. Despite any judgments she felt about Hailey sleeping with Jay’s brother, more than anything she felt sadness and sympathy for her bereft friend.

“What? Why?” Hailey asked surprised.

“I don’t know, but he sounded pretty serious and it was a direct order,” she said somewhat apologetically. Even Kim was confused as to why this was being demanded.

“Ok let me get my things,” Hailey said leaving the door only slightly ajar.

Kim took that as an invitation, and she pushed it open only to see Will standing there. Adam had confided in her as to what happened. She kept that tid bit to herself.

Will and Hailey knew how this looked. They had tried to keep him out of Kim’s view which made the whole scene all the more awkward.

“I swung by to see how she was doing. I was just leaving,” he said as he waved goodbye and walked out passed Dante and Kim.

The awkwardness was palpable.

“Wait,” Dante said. “Kevin texted… you should come to Med as well,” he said as he reached for Will’s arm.

Confused, Will uneasily nodded in agreement.

Hailey grabbed her badge, gun and keys. She took a deep breath and ignored the tension that filled the room with a bitter bite.

“Ready.”

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When Hank’s jeep arrived at the ER entrance Boden, Herrmann, and Severide were waiting.

Hank charged out of the car right to the trio.

Ethan Choi and a nurse were waiting with a gurney. Hank waved them around.

“Listen I don’t have time to explain. Details are scarce. This stays between us for now. It’s Jay, he’s alive,” he said with a seriousness that could cut through glass.

“Wait what?” Kelly said in confusion. Ethan’s eyes doubled in size. “Later,” Hank spit out.

Kevin came out first and took Jay off of Adam’s lap. He gently placed him on his side onto the gurney.

“These chains are so thick. Can you get them off quickly?” Hank asked. “I don’t want Hailey to see him like this.”

Severide and Herrmann nodded and got to work. Jay was so delicate and vulnerable – his level of emaciation was jarring. Just touching him they felt the brittleness in his bones. They could sense the precarious place he was hovering between life and death.

Ethan and the nurse began assessing his injuries, trying to ignore the incomprehensible reality playing out before them.

“Just cut the chains. Do not remove the wide cuffs that are attached. The only thing keeping him from bleeding out right now is the pressure of the metal on the wounds. They are affixed too tightly. We will sanitize the bolt cutters and bring them to the OR where they can be removed in a sterile environment with surgeons ready to handle the bleeding,” Ethan said clearly. “You ok to hang around and join us in the OR for when we are ready to remove the manacles?”

Kelly nodded and continued. They rolled Jay onto his stomach and gasped at the wounds all over his back. They were clearly infected and emitted a gnarly odor. He fought back the tears building in his eyes and worked with Herrmann to free Jay from his shackles.

“You may want this,” Kelly said as he ripped off what appeared to be a UBS drive attached to Jay’s neck collar and passed it to Hank.

Once they cut off all they could, Jay was rolled back. Now finally able to be out of the forced crouched position and lying flat. Jay released a pained and nearly soundless moan with all the movement.

Ethan grabbed the gurney and started running. “Baghdad, now.”

Herrmann went to the side to compose himself. He had never seen such extensive injuries from torture before. The sight and the smell were overwhelming. How could this shell of a man be the strapping, strong, Jay Halstead they had known and loved for years?

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

“What about Will?” Kevin asked as the three men waited to hear anything about Jay.

The shock was very real. They were all in a trance.

“Someone from the hospital will reach out eventually,” Hank barked. Kevin was taken aback from Hank’s harshness but chalked it up to the web of shock and worry they all found themselves entangled in.

He quickly shot off a text to Kim and Dante. Hank must not be thinking clearly. Kevin didn’t know what Adam knew.

They saw Crockett Marcel charge into the ER bay as well as a stream of nurses.

The clock was ticking at a snail’s pace.

After what felt like an eternity Ethan stepped out and crouched down with his head bowed in his hands.

Hank, Kevin, and Adam feared the worst.

“Ethan?” Hank barely got out.

At the same moment Dr. Charles came through the hall. When something like this happens sometimes his team is called in to help staff deal with emotionally wrought cases, particularly when it’s a friend or colleague. This certainly was one of those moments.

He came over to the bent down Ethan and softly spoke with him with a hand on his back.

Ethan stood up and came over to the anxious members of Intelligence.

“The list of injuries is too long to go through. For now Ill focus on the most pressing issues,” he said directly and flatly. They noticed he couldn’t make eye contact. He was as traumatized as they were.

“He is in kidney failure and hypovolemic shock from severe dehydration and starvation. When you are deprived of nutrition and hydration for too long your organs begin to shut down reducing the amount of oxygen getting to your brain. Right now they are inserting a shunt to begin dialysis immediately. I don’t know what happened, but he is dangerously thin… the shunt will go in his groin where a little muscle remains, and we will insert a feeding tube to get calories flowing. His overall organ function is not great – liver, heart, pancreas all showing signs of infection, possibly sepsis– plus the extreme trauma to his throat and chest from the collar and chains… we had to intubate to ease the pressure. He has open and infected sores across his back….”

Ethan was unusually emotional and unfocused. It was hard to see his friend so sick yes, but this was so much more.

“Hank….” He tried to continue.

“Ethan, what is it?”

“Hank there is evidence of sexual assault. The internal damage is profound. Pelvic fractures. We will need permission for a rape-kit… but that will just confirm the obvious. I have called in a colorectal surgeon from Mercy to see what can be done.  He should be here soon.”

“I’ll need Hailey or Will to sign off on how far we should go, but we are taking him into surgery to begin repairing what we can. I’m sorry I can’t go into more detail now, I’ll have a full update and report on his injuries to you when I can,” he said as he made brief eye contact and began to turn around.

“Ethan?” Adam called out. “Is he going to pull through this?” he asked fear enveloping every syllable.

Ethan looked down. “I don’t know. We will do whatever we can, but whatever it is he went through… I just don’t know.”

Moments later Dr. Marcel appeared pushing a gurney towards the elevator bank with a body that supposedly belonged to Jay. The surreal nature of what was unfolding was too much to wrap head or heart around.

-----------------------------------------------------

Maggie came by with a brief update.

“Jay will need some skin grafts, cleaning, debriding, and several orthopedic procedures to start. A specialist has joined the team in the OR from Mercy to help. They will go as long as he remains stable. If all goes well, we are looking at 8-10 hours. If signs of organ failure progress, plans will have to change. More updates will come periodically,” she said with a sympathetic tone.

As Maggie returned to the OR, Hank turned to Adam and Kevin. He held up the UBS drive Kelly had pulled off Jay’s collar.

“See if you can find a computer here. Find out what this is all about,” he ordered.

Adam grabbed the drive and they headed to find a private place.

Hank picked up the phone again. “Trudy, I’ve got news….”

---------------------------------------------------

A short time later Kim, Dante, Hailey, and Will arrived. They noticed a few nurses looking at them with pitiful eyes. Residual condolences Hailey thought.

“You guys should sit down,” Hank began.

Hailey and Will were so drained from everything they couldn’t fathom what could be so bad that they needed to sit down. They lost Jay, nothing could top that.

“Hailey,” Hank tried to spit it out.

“Hank what is it? Is everything ok?” she asked in a concerned tone.

Hank was not often scared of a conversation, rarely at a loss for words. How does one say, hi by the way your husband you just buried is actually alive, but has been tortured beyond recognition and may not survive?

“The remains we buried  at Jay’s funeral are not Jays,” Hank said looking directly at Hailey.

“What? What do you mean?” Will asked nearly jumping out of his skin.

“The dental records matched,” Hailey said.

“Yeah, well more to come on that. Those were Jay’s teeth, but not Jay’s remains,” Hank answered.

“He’s alive,” Hailey said assuredly not as a question but as a fact.

She never felt like he died. She had really believed it was all a mistake. But when the dental records matched, she assumed that gut feeling was the denial stage of grief masked as truth.

Now that internal compass was able to kick back in and the feeling was undeniable. They shared a connection that was unexplainable. Mystical. If you are lucky enough to know someone’s soul better than your own, then you know how that relationship enables an assured confidence that is rooted in a bond that runs deeper than any of life’s struggles.

If Jay was still here, Hailey had the power of knowing that the world couldn’t break her back.

“He’s alive?” Will asked in confusion. “Jay’s alive?”

“Jay is alive. He is here in surgery,”

Hailey leaped out of her chair. “He is here??? You found him?”

“Hailey, sit. Please sit,” Hank implored pushing her gently down.

“They hurt him,” was all Hank could get out.

Will was equal parts touched and petrified by Hank’s uncharachteristic display of vulnerability.

“How bad?” Will asked with authority. The doctor in him was trying to override the confused and scared brother that wanted to scream.

As mad as Hank was at Will this moment was bigger than that anger.

“I don’t know much yet- the doctors are working on him. They said they’d come to talk details soon,” Hank said softly. “One of you needs to give the ok for a rape kit.”

Will’s eyes shot up. “I’ll handle it.” He stood and ran through the doors to the OR suites. He had to see for himself.

Hank sat next to Hailey and took her hand. “He’s alive,” she whispered.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Goodwin arranged for Adam and Kevin to work in a conference room on the 3^rd floor. Word was getting around quickly regarding the mystery patient requiring multiple surgeons and specialists in the OR.

They put the drive into the UBS port and pulled up a link to a 2.5 hour video.

“What the hell is this?” Adam spat out. Kevin shrugged unassured. There was only one way to find out.

As the anxiety dripped off each of them like the morning dew on a wet spring morning. It was palpable.

The first scene that came on the screen, Adam and Kevin instantly recognized it as the of Jay’s disappearance.

Jay, Adam, and Makayla were at a golf simulator. She had been begging her Dad and Jay to teach her so she could be, “a boss on the course,” she said with an adorable self-assurance.

They had gone out for brunch with Kim and Hailey who splintered off to get an uncharacteristic manicure. When Makayla heard Jay and Adam were going golfing together, she ditched her Mama for some guy time.

Jay didn’t get close with many kids as an adult. Makayla had a sweet and subtle way of warming up to people and he was no match for her charms. Makayla was family.

“She’s a natural.” Jay beamed at Adam. “That’s my girl. Way more athletic skill than her Pops,” Adam said with a yawn.

Jay’s big frame towered over her as he showed her how to elevate her accuracy even further.

“I think I’ve got it Uncle Jay,” she said as he stepped back allowing her to take solo swings.

“I am going to run to the bathroom. Need a coffee refill?” Jay asked. “Yeah sure, man, thanks,” Adam replied as he kept his eyes on his girl and her swing.

As Jay washed his hands in the bathroom, a smartphone was thrust in his face. On it was a live feed of Makayla practicing her swing as Adam sat 20 feet away on the bench.

“You or her?” a taller man than Jay asked harshly.

Jay quickly grabbed the man’s arm and twisted harshly causing them to face one another.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Your boy’s coffee he just finished had a little something extra added by the barista,’” The man smirked.

“He’ll be fine, but he may need a nap real soon. Either you leave with us without so much a  peep or my four guys playing at the station next to them will snap that girl right up,” the man snarled.

Jay was seething. You could see it in his eyes.

“Damn you can see Jay’s mind working from here,” Kevin said as they continued to watch the events unfold.

On the screen Jay saw one of the men coming over to talk to Makayla while Adam dozed off.

“Holy shit, I fell asleep watching Makayla and thought it was because of that stake out the night before. Those bastards drugged me to snap up Mak and Jay?” Adam said in horror.

“I’ll walk,” Jay said with an intensity that could burn a hole through the wall.

“I thought you may choose that option,” the man said as he nodded towards his partner.

The second man that was filming their interaction came up to move Jay along. He stuck a syringe into Jay’s hip.

“What the hell?” Jay asked in anger.

“Just in case you get any cute ideas,” the man said as he grabs Jay’s cellphone out of his pocket and pushes him harshly towards the door.

The camera footage the team pulled up later would show Jay walking out of the sports complex into a Navy Kia sedan. The Kia was tracked on cameras and found a few hours later, but Jay wasn’t in it. He had vanished.

What the team did not know was that he was drugged with a cocktail that took a few minutes to kick in, allowing it to appear as if he left on his own volition. The car was driven a few blocks away where no street cameras were in view. He was cuffed at the wrists and ankles and thrown into another car.

-------------------------------------------

The next scene that came up took place later that first day.

You could see Jay writhing in pain trying to figure out where he was.

The shackles on his extremities were tight, too tight. When he tried to move one limb the chains tugged in anger on the other.  The chains at his ankles were attached to the floor. His movement was severely restricted. Thick electrical tape covered his mouth wrapped around his head, and he tasted a ball of fabric in between his tongue and teeth. He was silenced, bolted to the ground.

He was being held in a large room. Maybe a factory.  A few men were sitting at a makeshift poker table playing cards and laughing. Three menacing dogs – two Rotweilers and one German Shephard- stood watch around them.

A video camera was pointed at him situated on a step stool nearby. The red light was on. He was being filmed. There were multiple cameras at work- getting every angle of Jay recorded.

Jay lifted his head up to get a better look around,  but the chains pulled on his wrists and forced his bent legs back to his head. The chains clanged on the floor which drew attention away from the card game.

“Look who is up!” one man grinned as he got up from the table.

He came over and grabbed Jay by the hair which caused a literal chain reaction pulling harshly on his joints.

“We are going to have fun with you Pig,” he said with a crooked smile

Jay responded with something angrily but all that they could make out was muffled sounds.

“Do you know who that is over there, Pig?” he asked pointing to a familiar face at the table.

Sasha got up and crouched down to get closer to Jay’s eye level.

“You and your friends arrested me. Your boss savagely killed my boy. Tried to destroy my family’s lives,” he said matter of fact.

“In return we will destroy yours,” he grinned smugly as he smacked Jay across his face. His head snapped back causing more painful yanking.

“At the trial your friend Adam testified that your boss had no choice. He had to fire because Mikael had a gun. It was an unavoidable chain reaction I believe where his exact words.”

Sasha looked at Jay with deep satisfaction.

Adam’s stomach tied into even deeper knots as he saw Jay’s fate unfold.

“I don’t have to do much. The way these chains are affixed, you will break yourself. Slowly but surely your muscles, ligaments, and tendons will tear, your bones will break, your will to live will wither away. We will just sit back and enjoy the show. You know… just like a chain reaction, right?” Sasha said confidently as he eyed Jay in an uncomfortable way.

Jay tried to tell him off and fight back but any movement only tightened the chains’ grip on him.

Everyone laughed at his futile attempt.

Sasha came over with a knife and started cutting his clothes off. Piece by piece until all Jay was wearing were chains and manacles. Sasha continued to eye him.

Adam and Dante saw the look on his face, they could tell Jay knew what was coming.

What Adam and Dante couldn’t see was Jay’s Ranger training kicking in.

They couldn’t know that in that moment Jay made a vow to himself.

No matter what destiny had in store for him he would not let them take his sense of self.

If his fate was to die in this factory then he would die Jay Halstead- Hailey’s husband, Will’s brother, Intelligence teammate for life, Army Ranger.

He would not grovel. He would not beg.

His family would be looking for him. They’d find him. He would not give up.

Little did he know how hard it would be to keep that vow.

------------------------------------------------------------

Big toothy grin with chocolate on the corner of her mouth. “don’t you dare,” she smirked as he tried to wipe it off. The warmth of her presence coursing through him.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam’s stomach sank at the realization that Jay had sacrificed himself for Makayla. Anyone of them would have done it for a child, certainly for the little girl they all adored. But knowing it was the right thing to do and accepting his friend gave up everything for him… well those were two very different things.

All the pieces came together. All the missing links to the story of what became of Jay were revealed. It was a circuitous roller coaster ride no one wanted to ride.

Jay’s captors filmed everything and edited a highlight reel meant to haunt his loved ones for eternity.

Another scene came onto the screen.

The tape around Jay’s mouth was fraying. One of Sasha’s men, Vasyl, came to remove it.

Jay instinctively spit out the awful taste and texture that had been stuffed in his mouth.

Vasyl placed a bowl of water in front of Jay. Despite not wanting to seem desperate Jay dove into it slurping up the sustenance he so desperately craved. It had been over two days since he had any food or water.

It was feeding time for the dogs.  Jay was chained near where they slept. Each dog received a bowl of wet food and a bowl of water. Jay wasn’t so lucky, but he lapped up every last drop of water.

When he was done. He eyed the dogs’ food bowls, hoping something was coming for him next.

Vasyl laughed when he saw Jay’s eyes yearning. He straddled over him with a leather muzzle.

“You know humans can only survive three days without water, but about 3 weeks without food,” he said with a cocky tone.

“Fuck you,” Jay gasped. His throat still incredibly parched from a lack of nourishment and refreshment.

Vasyl smirked and pinched Jay’s nose which eventually forced his mouth open long enough to stuff the leather gag in his mouth. He fastened the straps tightly in the back of Jay’s head and gave him a little pat.

“That’s a good boy.”

Sasha came up admiring Jay. He came behind him and began to aggressively have his way with him.

Adam and Kevin saw the look in Jay’s eyes. Adam pulled the UBS drive out harshly and stormed out.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Jay throw one down the middle. 7 year old Jay laughed. He tried his best to strike out his brother but bat connected to ball and it soared into the trees. He looked up to try to catch it as the afternoon sun made him squint.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been over an hour since Adam and Kevin left to figure out what was on the UBS drive. Kevin returned to the waiting room and eyeballed Hank.

They convened out of earshot further down the hall.

“Boss,” Kevin started clearly choked up.

“Kevin its ok, what is it?”

“We didn’t get through the whole thing,” he confessed sheepishly.

“You were right. It was Sasha that snapped him up. And… they filmed it. They recorded everything,” he said staring at the ground.

“Filmed what?” Hank asked in search for some clarity.

Kevin stood in silence.

“Kevin, filmed what?” Hank asked more authoritaritvely.

“They broke him. Boss… they tortured him and recorded it all.”

“Where are you set up. I want to see it,” Hank said with force.

“See what?” Hailey asked as she came up behind them.

Kevin didn’t know what to say. No way should Hailey see what he just watched.

Hank jumped in. He couldn’t protect her from this forever. Jay’s body was a roadmap for what he endured. It should be her choice.

“Hailey the men that took Jay filmed his captivity. I can’t stop you from seeing it. But I can strongly urge you not to. Not now,” Hank said with all the gentleness he could find.

Hailey stood quietly. She hadn’t had much time to process that Jay was here. Will had come back from the OR viewing room in silence. His face held anguish and shame. Her mind was like a hamster running tirelessly on its wheel.

“Show me,” she said with a certainty her colleagues could not ignore.

Will, Kim, and Dante followed the group to the conference room. By that time Trudy had joined the waiting party. She found herself following the pack.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam's hand shook a little as they placed the drive into the computer. He hesitated.

"Play it!" Hank ordered harshly.

For the next 2.5 hours they sat in abject horror.

They saw Jay beaten, raped, humiliated, caged, starved. It was the most brutal and devastating images they would ever see. They had become accustomed to seeing horrible things, but this was at another level. This was their friend, brother, husband, and son.

One clip showed all four men taking their turns raping him. The tears and screams behind his muzzle seared into their psyche.

They saw the games Jay’s captors played with his food.

Putting it just out of reach of his chained neck while they laughed at his desperate attempts to reach it. Other times food was put in front of him with his muzzle securely fastened ... the taunting of a starving man was the embodiment of evil.

When he finally was given food it was shared with the dogs. They would fight him for it and Jay would end up with a few bites, no match for their strength and their freedom of movement. Withing a few seconds the food dish would be knocked out of his reach by the canine’s aggressive bodies.

The looks of solitude and pain etched on Jay’s face would not leave their collective memories anytime soon. Somewhere in his desperation were occasional flashes of Jay. His resilience, his stubbornness, his fighting spirit. But how much could one man endure?

So much of the footage was watching Jay forced into unimaginable positions as his body slowly broke down from the movements he made against his shackles. It simply was not possible to lay prone like that for months without some movement.

Others depicted cigarettes being put out on his back. The dogs licking up blood that trickled out of him.

In the end Sasha came on the screen as his men packaged what was left of Jay into a small cage and into the larger crate for shipment to Hank.

“Voight, Ruzek I hope you enjoyed just a small taste of all the fun we had with our little pig. As you can see many of his injuries were a result of the chain reaction he put into motion when he moved. Wish I could take all the credit.”

Hank and Adam quickly picked up on that reference from the trial.

The video ended with Jay whimpering as they closed the crate.

It was simply too much to take in. They sat in stunned silence. Unable to move. Adam couldn’t hold it in anymore and threw up into the waste bin near the table.

----------------------------------------------------------------

The tricky thing about shame is it can take over everything. And in that room there was plenty to go around.

Adam and Kim were trying to digest what their friend and brother did for their daughter. The guilt was suffocating. It is true that anxiety is often a liar, but sometimes it is the crushing weight of a horrible truth.

Hank felt a noose around his neck. His job was to keep his family safe. They relied on him to think big picture and small to ensure that the work they did would not lead to their demise. Not only did he fail Jay with his abduction, he failed in finding him before they could torture him to the brink and beyond

Hailey and Will could barely look at one another. While Jay was going through all this, they betrayed him. Drunk or not. Grieving or not there was no excuse. They were the closest people in his life and they failed him in way that could not be measured.

Looks can be deceiving. What they saw was beyond their comprehension.

Perhaps it was what they didn’t see that mattered more. Jay’s personal vow to himself. The promises he made to Hailey and Will over and over again to keep himself sane. When pushed ot the brink, Jay’s inner strength clung to the only thing that he had…his love. That sustained him. That allowed him to make it to this moment.

There would be time to work through their pain.

Right now they all sat in the thick, sticky mess of it.

No one had it in them to make the first move. They just sat in shared silence. It wasn’t everything, but in that moment being together was something. It was all they had.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

----------------------------------------------------------------------

About 10 hours into surgery Dr. Choi and Dr. Marcel came into the conference room.

They had completed their portions of the trauma surgery and desperately needed a break to rest and to process what they had do to their friend. First, they needed to update everyone.

Exhaustion dripped off them like a flowing faucet.

“Let’s start with some good news. Jay is holding his own. The dialysis is helping to stabilize some of his stats. That alone is miraculous and a positive sign. He will be out of surgery within the hour.”

Will looked at them begging for more information.

“We have been able to address the most critical needs: the internal bleeding has been repaired, the most severe breaks have been set or placed in traction, his open wounds have been cleaned, debrided and bandaged. The skull fracture by his right eye has been set with a metal plate. When we left the OR Dr. Rivers, MED’s head of opthamology, was working on his left eye to determine if it can be salvaged.”

Dr. Marcel put some images up on the screen and pushed a file toward Will.

“In the file are the list of all his injuries and bone damage. It’s too much to talk through now. It is clear he suffered from malnutrition which weakened his bones leaving them more prone to breaks. He has dozens throughout his body in addition to some significant muscle and tendon damage. A lot is being addressed today but more surgeries to come when he is stabilized.”

“According to Jay’s CPD medical records he was 180 lbs at his last check-up 8 months ago. Today he is 124 lbs,” Choi said with a wavering voice.

The collective wince was louder than any sound could emit.

“His lack of hydration and nutrition have created some organ damage we hope can repair itself as steady nutrition and oxygenation are restored. His brain activity is there but sluggish. It’s too soon to say what possible damage was sustained due to the lack of oxygen from hypovolemic shock or his head injury.”

“Dr. Brady was called in from Mercy. He is Chicago’s best colorectal surgeon. It is evident Jay was sexually assaulted resulting in significant damage. Dr. Brady has repaired what he could and is now inserting a colostomy bag in his intestine to allow the area to heal and  to allow Jay to relieve himself.”

“Is that permanent?” Will asked still staring at his brother’s chart.

“Will we don’t know. The damage is extensive. This all will be a wait and see game across the board.’

“The lab is working on producing skin grafts for his throat, wrists, and ankles. The manacles affixed to him cut through the skin and bone, creating some gnarly issues. For now they have been cleaned out and heavily bandaged until the grafts can be applied.”

Silence continued to fill the air as Dr. Marcel showed Jay’s latest x-rays displaying all the points he had pins, screws, and plates inserted to stabilize his fractures.

“We had no choice but to set the pelvis fractures in traction,” Marcel continued.

“Pins in his pelvic and thighbones attached to an external fixator?” Will asked in fear.

“Yes,” Marcel answered.

“Look I know this is a lot…Here's the thing you have to keep in mind. Based on everything we understand about medicine, Jay should not be alive right now.”

Everyone looked at each other with uneasy eyes.

“The organ failure alone would be enough. Add the profound trauma, infections, malnutrition... he has beat the odds by just making it this point.”

“When will he be able to go home?’ Hailey said in deep sadness with a wee bit of denial mixed in.

“I can't say what the future holds. It’s very much minute by minute right now.”

“In a perfect world he would move to a long-term care facility in a few weeks to further his recovery.

“Long term care?" Hailey asked, sadness deepening. "I want him home. He will hate a care facility. I’ll take care of him. We will figure it out," she said firmly.

"Hailey," Ethan said pulling a chair up next to hers. "If we are lucky enough to get him to the point of leaving the hospital, he will need round the clock specialized care. At least for the foreseeable future."

"Let’s not get ahead of ourselves," Crocket jumped in.

"As Ethan said, Jay is already a miracle. This is beyond science. I know the special brand of stubbornness that comes with being a Halstead. But this is bigger than that. Something in Jay was powerful enough to fight against all odds to be here.”

“This is not just anyone. This is Halstead. He is the toughest brother on the block. Always has been, always will be,” Kevin interrupted.

“That’s right. I’d never bet against Jay Halstead, “ Ethan agreed.

Hailey sat taking it all in. She didn’t need others telling her how unique Jay’s strength was. She knew him in ways no one else could. He was here. He was here. He was here.

She stood up. She had heard enough.

“It’s been almost 6 months. I need to see my husband. Please.”

There was so much they didn't know about Jay's internal experiences, so much they could not see. Now the time had come to see for themselves.

Chapter Text

The intelligence family moved to a room outside of the ICU. Jay’s arduous surgical marathon was over, now he was moving out of the Post Anesthesia Care Unit -miraculously in critical but stable. Due to his traction and positioning they needed some extra time getting him situated.

Ethan came in after a short while.

"He is holding his own. Fever is going in the right direction and organ function has remained impaired but stable. Given the taxing surgeries he has endured that is as positive as we could hope for," he assured.

"I don't know what crazy stubborn stock your brother is made from but so far he is exceeding expectations,” he added looking at Will.

"What about his eye?" Hailey asked. Jay's eyes grounded her in love and reality like nothing else. The light they emitted pinned her to the earth effortlessly. The thought of something permanently damaging them tore at the fabric of her being.

“Dr. Brady did not need to remove it. There may be a little vision loss in that eye but given how bad the injury is to his skull and orbital bone... it could have been much worse. His other eye is looking good. The swelling and bruising will go down."

Ethan continued, “the engineered grafts for his wrists, neck, and ankles should be ready in a few days. For now we'd like to keep him intubated and sedated until that procedure is done. When the body goes through significant trauma the best thing for healing is rest, rest, and more rest. I know you are all eager to see him and interact, but letting his body shut down and only focus on healing will give him the best chance to recover."

Everyone nodded.

"Until the grafting is done, he is at a seriously high risk for further infection which is the very last thing his body needs right now, so please make sure to suit up in protective garb to ensure nothing is inadvertently passed on."

"Yeah of course, " Will answered as he began to get up. They had been waiting for hours, well 22.5 weeks to be exact. He was antsy to see him.

Ethan grabbed Will by the shoulder. "Remember he is immobilized in a prone position, don't be alarmed. He will remain in traction for hopefully only a few weeks. this temporary discomfort will give him the best chance at regaining some mobility."

Will nodded slowly as he got an uneasy feeling. He didn’t like Ethan’s use of the word, “some.”

"Ok nurse Amanda will take you over to get your protective garb. I'll be up during rounds in a little bit," Ethan said as he exhaustedly wrapped up the debrief.

Voight came up to him as the team followed Will and Amanda out the door.

"Thank you. I uh... I couldn't really help him, but you could. You did. Thank you," he said in a trembling voice.

Ethan was surprised at the kindness Hank extended. Not a side of him he was accustomed to ever. He just nodded.

"Of course."

-----------------------------------------------

Will stood outside the room talking with the orthopedic surgeon that worked on Jay. He still didn't have a full grasp of what his brother was up against and wanted the details.

Hailey hesitated for a moment at the door. Kim took her hand and they walked in together covered head to toe in yellow protective coverings.  Amanda was changing a few of his IV bags.

They both did their best to take in the sight before them. The machines and wires were overwhelming. All working in concert creating a cacophony of unnerving, yet lifesaving, sounds.

Extenders were placed on the bed so Jays arms could rest strapped down in the goal post position they were braced in. The pelvic traction was hard to see as a metal bar crossed his pelvis and connected into bars over his upper thighs. His legs were in braces until the skin grafting was done and he could be properly casted. The left side of his face and head were bandaged as were parts of his neck and chest. The dialysis and central line IV's snaked out from both sides of his groin and chest as his wrists were in no shape for needle insertion. 

Most jarring  of all was how tiny he appeared despite all the bulky bandaging. They had heard he lost over 50 lbs. but seeing his skeletal frame in person was something else entirely.

He seemed so small, so petite, so vulnerable. Like just touching him could damage the complicated balance of his positioning.

The world stopped spinning on its axis for a brief moment. Hailey had yearned for this moment in so many different ways that it physically hurt to see him this brutalized. Had she wished for too much? Did her deepest desire only extend his suffering and not his life?

"Is he cold?" Hailey choked out. He only had a small cloth covering his midsection for privacy.

"Due to the casts and traction we can't put a blanket or gown over him. We raised the heat in here a bit. He should be alright. His fever is down to 101.3. So far so good," Amanda said softly as she walked out and put her hands under the sanitizer dispenser.

"It's ok you can try to hold his hand if you want," Amanda added with a faint whisper.

So much was broken but his fingers were spared as the braces came to his wrists and wrapped in between his thumb and index fingers.

His vulnerability oozed out so glaringly. Hailey hesitated.

Amanda came and took Hailey's gloved hand warmly and fit it into Jay's. With all the softness of her heart she took hold of him. The hands that she knew so well, every crevasse, the elegance of his fingers, the childlike palms she always teased him for felt tiny and delicate in her grasp. Her hands used to feel so small in his, and now the roles had been unnaturally reversed.

His touch nourished her instantly. Her tension dissipated.

She took the back of her other hand and gently caressed his right cheek... the only other part of him she could touch.

The tube in his mouth and the feeding tube in his nose were taped down on his cheek, leaving just enough room for her to massage soft circles onto his chapped skin.

She leaned over and kissed the top of his head... subconsciously searching for his scent only to find the smell of antiseptic wash in return.

Deep breathes.

She could do this. They could do this.

She pushed away the shame she felt for betraying him. She pushed away the sadness of seeing him like this. She pushed away the fear that whatever was left of him may not be the same man she loved.

She pushed it all away for this brief respite.

No matter what had happened, no matter what was to come, this moment was real. It was all they had. He was really here.

The intensity of her emotion was met with a pure tenderness that she poured into him. In the deepest parts of her soul she didn't believe he was gone and now finally all the anguish could melt away like ice in her warm palm. Hope could sprout nervously in its absence.

Now she would have to rely on that faith to pull him through the unimaginable. The unsure looks in the doctors' eyes said a lot. The odds were stacked against him. 

But Hailey knew what Jay was made of. If anyone could overcome the impossible, it was him. And she would do whatever it took to support him in the trials he would face.

Slowly the rest of the team had assembled into the room. They stood quietly as they watched Hailey soothe Jay - or maybe more accurately - watching Hailey helped soothe the shock of their friend's condition.

Yes, a Jay broken in ways no one could have fathomed lay before them, but in ways that were more poignant than anyone could articulate love lay there.

What Hailey and Jay shared between them was intense and beautiful. If truth be told, they all shared some taste of that with one another. Their work was harsh and unrelenting, but their trust and bond as a unit was stronger.

"I'll be damned. those bastards broke everything, but they couldn't take out his trigger finger," Trudy said in somber amusement and wonder.

It was the sweet spot of levity everyone needed but had no clue how to access.

Hard earned smiles filled the room. His shooting finger still in-tact  represented something powerful. 

Sure he was down in a bad way, but Ranger Jay, Sniper Jay, Detective Jay Halstead was still there. They wanted to believe it. They could feel it.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next ten days were a slow burn blur. Jay had ups and downs but for the most part continued to beat the odds and remain stable. He was now the proud recipient of skin grafts that closed the biggest holes on his body. 

If only closing the psychological wounds would be as straight forward.

With the skin grafts completed he was casted on his arms and legs in a way the dressings could be cleaned, and his fractures could heal. Mercifully, many of his breaks were due to his positioning and bone brittleness, not blunt force trauma. Therefore if all went perfectly in 6 weeks many casts could come off.

Hailey and Will didn't speak much. They possessed a laser-like focus on getting Jay through this arduous ordeal. Facing one another would require emotional capital they did not have the bandwidth to expend. 

They were mostly passing ships in the night- switching off who would sleep with Jay and who would sleep in the doctor’s lounge.

Intelligence played their part. but they quickly understood their role was to support Will and Hailey. Jay's needs were bigger than they could fulfill.

-----------------------------------------

Kim and Trudy sat with Hailey. The humming of the life support machines filled the room. Their goal was to challenge that sound and bring some normalcy to Hailey's night.

"When do the doctors think they will wake him up?" Kim asked.

"They ideally want organ function to all be at acceptable levels, but they don’t want to keep him sedated too long. I guess the bone healing is sapping so much of his energy that things are taking their sweet time," she said for longingly.

"Will is saying they will start withdrawing sedatives tomorrow and it’s up to Jay from there," she added with a little more hope.

"Hailey-- he is going to remain out like a light tonight. You haven't left the hospital for 10 days. What good will you be to him if you are exhausted? We will stay with him tonight. We already kicked Will out yesterday, now it's your turn," Kim said lovingly.

Hailey's tired eyes filled with tears. She knew they were right, but she couldn't bear the thought of not being near him. They had spent so long apart, a minute more felt like too much.

Trudy saw Hailey struggling. "Upton kiss your husband and then get your butt home! Sleep! Shower! We don't want our guy waking from a coma with his babe of a wife looking like this," Trudy said with some authority.

"That's an order," she said, raising her voice.

As Hailey headed out, Will wrapped up his conversation with Dr. Marcel. There were whispers as to whether or not this induced coma would become permanent. His body had been through so much it may not be able to overcome the trauma. They promised to try, with all the hope in their hearts, but a dose of caution in their minds.

He and Hailey exchanged a brief glance but looked away quickly. Every time their eyes met, they were reminded of that night, when all they wanted to do was forget it ever happened.

Whatever Jay needed they would be there to help, but their relationship no longer was anything more than that.

Will dipped into the room.

"You guys don't need to stay. I'll be with him tonight," Will said as he checked all of Jay's stats on the machines. He fiddled with an IV port that had been giving them some trouble all day.

"You Halsteads are all the same. One night of sleep was really enough?" Trudy asked.

I am used to sleeping at the hospital. Besides I....I missed him. I don't like being away," Will admitted with his eyes pointing downwards. Only in that moment did he realize himself how attached he was to Jay right now.

Trudy and Kim hung out for a while. Will regaled them with embarrassing stories from the Halsteads childhoods.

They told Will some funny stories of Jay mishaps at work including the time he was tased by Erin in the groin. 

Will laughed hard, his ribs began to hurt. Trudy and Kim joined in his infectious release of stress and silliness.

He looked up at Jay and his laughter softly subsided. The reality of Jay's situation perhaps was hitting Will the hardest. He was a doctor. He knew what Jay was up against in ways the others could not fully appreciate. He could read between the other doctors’ attempts at optimism. The harsh numbers mixed with the deep guilt Will harbored for his dalliance with Hailey weighed heavily.

The joy in the room left abruptly. Silence replaced the laughter that echoed just moments ago.

Trudy put her hand on his leg, "one day at a time Will." 

He nodded and hugged them as they stood to leave.

Will dragged the chair right beside the bed and awkwardly wrapped his hands in Jay's. He gently stroked the tuft of hair that peeked out of the bandages wrapped around his brother's head.

Tears streamed down his cheeks in pained torrents. 

"Hey bud. It's just you and me."

"Tomorrow is a big day. We are going to see if you are ready to wake up."

Will took some deep sob hitched breathes.

"I want you to know that we all know how hard you fought while you were away. You may be my baby brother, but you have always been my hero... you took care of Mom when I was too chicken to face her suffering; you took care of this damn city always answering the call; you put Makayla's life before your own; and you... you took sickening abuse from the monsters so you could find your way back to us," Will sobbed out in a tortured whisper.

"I just want you to know that whatever it is that you need to do, whatever it is that is best for you..." he couldn't quite say it. 

'I hope and pray you can wake up. But if you can't... if it's just too much..."

He spent the rest of the night sitting in the chair holding his brother's hand. He had planned to give Jay permission to let go if fighting would only prolong his agony.... but something in him couldn't do it. Was it his own selfish wishes? Was it his own weakness? Or did he believe Hailey's eyes when they silently spoke her simple and powerful faith that Jay was coming back to them? The odds just didn't really matter. Perhaps he saw that Hailey's optimism was born out of something pure that could not be denied? 

--------------------------------

The first sensation that came back to Jay was smell.

After the sedation was stopped, he had been fighting the vent all day. A very positive sign that he was in there somewhere.

He had been successfully extubated hours before. All day Intelligence and Will sat vigil. They talked to him, played music, gently caressed the areas they could. They had yet to receive anything in exchange for their efforts.

The breathing tube out of his mouth was welcome.

His face still mostly covered in bandaging, a newly place cannula, and his feeding tube, but it was one tiny step in the right direction.

Will arranged for an orthodontist to come by to take moldings of his jaw so dental implants could be ordered to bring his smile back to life. All that activity and rough manhandling did not pull him out of his deep sleep. The longer he remained unresponsive, the smaller his chances of recovery would be.

So as an attempt at cheering everyone up a little, Adam brought Bartoli’s into the room for dinner. He purposefully ordered Jay’s favorites spaghetti Bolognese, pasta fagiole, and chicken parmesan.

Scientists have proven that some of our deepest memories are rooted in our sense of smell and sound. They reside somewhere deep within our psyche that they leave an indelible mark stronger than any other senses. You may not recall being at your grandmother’s house as a toddler, but you may remember the smell of freshly baked cookies while you were there or the tune of the lullaby she sang.

The delicious aroma filled his mind and aroused his senses. Unfortunately with that arousal came his sense of touch. Pain quickly radiated throughout his body. He tried to shift a little to relieve the sensations, but he felt stuck, couldn’t move.

“What a second?” he thought. “My arms and legs are no longer chained. So what the hell is this contraption I’m tied down to?”

His mind was racing. Confusion swirling around his muddled mind like leaves in a windstorm. Little spurts of memory emerged.

Flash of laying shackled.

Flash of Sasha having his way with him.

Flash of agonizing hunger pains.

Flash of his captors’ laughter.

Flash of a dog knocking his food dish out of reach.

Flash of his deep shame for crying in front of his abusers.

Flash of his sincere worry that someone hurt Makayla.

Flash of the smell of his burning flesh against the cigarette butts.

Flash of being shoved into a cage and deprived of his senses.

Flash of Adam crying over him. Flash of hearing Voight barking orders.

He was becoming overwhelmed. His heart rate skyrocketed. Will immediately turned to check on him in response.

“Jay? Jay? Hey buddy can you hear me?” Will said with an increasingly louder voice.

He grabbed the pen light from his pocket and gently opened his unbandaged right eye. He flashed the light a few times.

“His pupil is responsive!!” Will screamed out in joy as he let Jay’s eyelid close.

“That’s good right?” Hailey asked eagerly. “He is waking up?”

“It’s a good indicator that he will not remain in a coma. It’s not like in the movies or TV shows. People usually do not just wake up, sit up, and start chatting. But it’s a good sign,” he smiled.

Meanwhile Jay was miserable. He couldn’t decipher where he was. He couldn’t do anything to relieve his pain. So he did the only thing he could control, the one thing that allowed him to survive his captivity… he disassociated.

His mind went to the memories that played like a movie during the months he spent with Sasha. He and Hailey were sitting in the RAM. She was eating a snickers bar and he mocked her a little for her dietary choices. Her smile made him smile. It evoked the most tender part of his soul. She said, “ don’t you dare, “ when he tried to wipe away the smudge of chocolate on her lip.

“Wait. Look! Could it be that he is smiling?” Kim said confused.

Everyone turned to focus on his mouth. It was faint but unmistakable. He always had this half-smirk, boyish grin.

Now his friends and family crammed into an ICU room with  their smuggled edible contraband, all hovered over his bed seeing the Halstead smirk for the first time in nearly six months.

He was floating in that memory visualizing Hailey knocking his hand out of the way and instead of saying don’t you dare, this time she said, “Jay its me. I am here. Can you open your eye for me?”

He was confused as the memory was altered.

She begged, “Jay please open your eye. Or can you squeeze my hand?”

His mind continued to float in disassociation. Now he was back with Will near their grandfather’s cabin. Will hit the ball so far into the trees they were scrambling in the brush to find it. Jay got to it first and Will tackled him. They laughed tangled up in one another. Then oddly Hailey’s voice interloped into his memory. He and Will heard her say, ‘come on baby, I know you can do it. Come on baby.”

The memory became even more puzzling when Hank Voight appeared over the giggling boys commanding loudly, “Halstead!”

With that Jay snapped out of his safe place of memory and had no choice but to confront reality.

Once a soldier, always a soldier. He always obeyed an order.

What dragged out for 2 hours only felt like seconds to him. It was past 2 AM - Will, Hailey, and Hank remained at this point of the night.

“Halstead!” rang in his head over and over, causing pain his head to radiate down the left side of his face.

His right eyelid slowly lifted. It was nighttime and the lights in the room were dimmed, but even the filtered light was blinding.

Everything was unfocused. Was he still in his daydream? What is this place?

But then like a beacon he saw something that anchored him in reality. Her smile.

“Jay,” she soothed.

Everything around him was fuzzy but he zeroed in on her face. He couldn’t fully make it out but the big toothy grin in his dreams and the mane of blonde hair framed out enough.

The pain was all consuming. He so desperately wanted to hold onto the vision dancing before him.

Will and Hailey were trying to get his attention when they saw his eye open ever so slightly. All Jay heard was familiar yet muffled sounds.

He battled so hard to stay awake, but the ache and exhaustion consumed him. He had missed them so much. As real as they were in his dreams, it was not in the same ballpark as feeling their presence, taking in their love.

As much as he fought to stay, he was taken under again.

The next few days were a slow-motion dance. Jay would wake up for a few minutes. His eye would open a little, body shake in pain, mouth would emit aching groans. Only for him to fall back asleep for hours.

“Bone pain is the worst,” Will told Hailey. “And the torn ligaments and muscles are a close second.”

“The problem is the pain meds are making it hard for him to fully regain consciousness,” Dr. Marcel added.

“It’s up to you both to decide if you are ok with removing the heavy-duty stuff in order to give him a chance at coherence. He is doing well on his neurology evaluation check ins.”

Will looked at Hailey. Ultimately it was her call. Even in this moment of importance she couldn’t share a gaze with him.

“Do it,” she said looking at the ground. “He hates pain meds. He hates hospitals. He must hate all of this,” she said in her rich, monotone voice.

Sensing some tension Dr. Marcel jumped in.

“Yeah, he isn’t going to be a big fan of a lot of what is to come,” Marcel conceded. “But he already exceeded expectations. Candidly, I didn’t think his body could come back from this. Yet here we are talking about pain management,” Marcel said with a small smile.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Hank and Adam were back with Will in Hailey in Jay’s room.

Adam was struggling mightily. He and Kim both were both deeply humbled by Jay’s sacrifice for Makayla. Kim threw her angst into supporting Hailey, while Adam was spiraling.

He was right there. They took Jay from right under his napping nose. Now all this. Jay had to pull through. He just had to.

Jay had a rough night. With the removal of the most effective pain meds he was hurting. They were desperate to reach him. Desperate to connect.

He couldn’t really move at all, but it was clear he was struggling, writhing in pain. Every inch of him felt sharpness radiating from one limb to the other. The central line was driving him crazy, but he wasn’t coherent enough to articulate what was bothering him.

Hailey sat holding one hand and Adam held the other.

“Come on brother. We got you,” he said reminiscent of their drive from the precinct to the hospital. “Please, man.”

Will found himself humming a tune their Dad of all people used to sing. He was gruff, unrefined and often disconnected from his sons. But when they were small, he’d sing to them to settle his hyper, rambunctious boys for bed. “Too-ra-loo-ra-loo- ra. Too- ra-loo-ra-li,” he began.

I can’t remember the words just the chorus. He waved his hand at Adam asking for him to join.

Awkwardly he obliged. He’d heard it a long time ago, it was vaguely familiar, easy to pick up on the fly.

“Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra. Too -ra-loo-ra-li, hush now don’t you cry,” they softly sang.

After 30 seconds or so Adam stopped humming and paused to make sure he wasn’t imagining things, “he squeezed my hand!!”

“Keep going!” Hailey urged when she saw the familiar tune was helping pull Jay to the surface.

“Sound,” Will said. “The rhythmic sound is helping.” Somewhere deep within Jay’s memory that melody resided.

Adam and Will continued. They’d sing all day if it gave Jay an ounce of peace.

After many versus of the Irish lullaby, Jay opened his right eye fully for the first time. They continued humming in a whisper as Hailey stood over him trying to engage eye contact.

It had been 144 days since she Jay had looked at her with his vibrant green eyes. Now she was gifted with the ultimate prize for her patience – his right eye locked with hers.

“Hi,” was all she could muster. The tears building made her already gorgeous eyes glisten magically.

He would recognize that crystal clear shade of blue anywhere. They were a mirror reflecting back the mystical understanding they have always shared with one another. Home.

“Hi,” he rasped.

Will came over with ice chips as he saw Jay wince from the pain of speaking.

“Jay,” he beamed. “God, we missed you so much buddy. Your throat is healing from skin grafts so it’s tough to swallow and to talk, but I am going to give you some ice chips to help with some of that dryness.”

Will leaned over and pressed the call button. He brushed the ice chips over Jay’s lips trying everything in him to hold back from breaking down.

“Try one on your tongue, let’s see if that helps,” Will offered softly.

Ethan and Crockett walked in. Will and Hailey stepped back but each grasped one of Jay’s hands.

“Would you guys mind stepping out while we talk with Jay for a few minutes?”

“We will be right outside,” Hailey said as she saw Jay try to shift his gaze to find her. “Promise.”

The doctors stepped out of the room.

Ethan smirked as he waved the waiting party over.

“Well I’ll be damned,” Crockett began. “He passed his neurological evaluation with only minor deficits. Dr. Abrams is wrapping up with him now, but he believes the anesthesia, pain meds, and trauma are the culprits of the sluggishness in his responses, not permanent damage.”

“We don’t want to give you any false sense of how challenging the next few months will be,” Ethan added. “But Jay is a goddamn tough as nails miracle. None of us thought he would be at this point,” he conceded.

“It’s hard for him to talk. We believe the starvation caused stomach acid to bubble up and burn his esophagus, to say nothing of the rawness of the new skin grafts. We will start him on some treatments to help his ability to swallow and speak pain free return. Try to keep things to yes and no questions for now.”

Hailey and Will were giddy. Happiness and relief pulled them into a hug like the attraction of opposing magnets. Sure what lay ahead would be challenging, but it was something they could wrap their heads around. A huge improvement to where they were when they believed Jay was gone.

Hank came up behind them and cleared his throat.

The moment of joy was disrupted. They quickly pulled apart.

---------------------------------------

Recovering from acute trauma is for lack of better words….painful and painfully boring.

Jay slept… a lot. Will explained that for his injuries to heal his body had to give all its energy to that effort. Given the severity and vastness of what he had to overcome, sleeping 21-22 hours a day was to be expected.

Jay was grateful beyond any possible way to measure to be alive and back with Hailey and Will. He really truly was. It was everything he dreamed of for 5.5 long months. So when it is noted that he hated every second of his current reality, it’s because it was that rough.

With his limbs casted, pelvis in traction he could not move at all. In order to heal stillness was his friend. But that same medicinal necessity also meant he could do nothing for himself. Tubes snaked in and around him to feed him, medicate him, and to collect his outputs. All day long nurses and doctors would touch, poke, prod, clean, wipe, and inject him. For a man that valued independence as much as he did, for a man that endured so much already, for a man that hated hospitals with a passion it was a special kind of torture.

In the fog of it all, small victories emerged. First the 7 teeth that were ripped out of his mouth had been replaced. What a gift it was to see his smirk return to its former glory.

Next, the swelling around his right eye subsided enough that he could see much more clearly from one side.

While truly stuck in this awkward prone position, he developed a plan in his mind to achieve his goal…independence. He heard the whispers. Walking again was not a given. Caring for himself fully again was not a given.

Dr. Charles, Hailey, and Will were worried that Jay did not talk about his time in captivity. Not even one word. For the most part Jay nodded yes or no. “It will come out eventually,” Dr. Charles prepared his support team. “It always does. Just let it be on his time-table.”

The demons were there. Jay pushed them down deep as he was singularly focused on proving every doctor wrong. They didn’t know what a Ranger was capable of. They’d see.

They warned him he would likely be looking at months if not more in long term care. As strong and indefatigable as Jay’s spirit was, the damage to his body was immense. He had slowly gained back a few pounds thus far, but his bone density was still quite weak. Walking or lifting or pushing could cause new fractures. Think of elderly people when they fall or knock into something. Breaking a hip, refracturing bones, or taking out a knee could happen with a small trip or hit.

Something else more subtly powerful motivated him. Something that gave him undeniable motivation. Hailey and Will.

Jay felt like he owed them everything.

They were with him every step of the way. The duo developed a system with distinct roles.

Will took complete control of Jay’s medical recovery. Shame is a wily little minx – for Will it meant throwing himself into a project with wild abandon. He read every study on bouncing back from such severe malnutrition and bone density challenges. He reached out to the top doctors in the world for advice and thoughts on innovative treatment options. He was able to get Jay into a clinical calcium trial to help build back his bone strength. He hovered to ensure Jay’s medical team executed excellent quality of care.

All the guilt he carried from the affair, all the sadness in watching his little brother’s daily suffering was lovingly poured into his care.

Jay felt it. He wasn’t in a position to articulate it fully, but the uncharacteristic sweet little smiles he gave his brother when talking was too hard and his willingness to be a compliant patient when everything in him screamed get the fuck off me said it all. Will felt it.

Hailey filled a different need. Her presence calmed him. She held his hand and patiently waited for the 20-30 windows when Jay would be awake. It was hard to see him suffer so much- laying unmoving, struggling to withstand the unrelenting pain.

She could see the fire burning beneath the surface. The video Sasha cruelly put together showcased it well enough. The lasting damage those bastards incurred filled in the rest of the blanks.

She also knew because that is the way they always operated. The unspoken language they shared. He had an angst and unsettled air to his being that didn’t exist before – and Hailey could taste it with every breath.

Nonetheless, day after day she sat there stroking his cheek, holding his hand, whispering I love you, reminding him the medievalesque traction device would be removed in due time.

Sometimes the best way to love someone is by just showing up and bearing witness to their struggle. Sometimes words and any other actions do not hold enough weight.

Every hour of each day they showed up for him.

--------------------------

So when Kim and Adam came to visit Jay wanted to make a move. He was still strapped down and at the mercy of others. While he couldn’t successfully swallow yet, saying a few words without pain was becoming easier.

“You should have seen Atwater try to tackle this perp. Big muscles doesn’t equal elegance,” Adam chortled.

“Please Adam, like you are a ballerina out there,” Kim smirked back. Both of them relishing in Jay smiling in response.

He loved having the team visit. As much as he appreciated and relied on Will and Hailey, he was keenly aware how they were completely consumed with managing his sedentary life in that bed. He hated how much they were sacrificing. He hated that he relied them for everything.

He also felt an uneasy business-like energy between them but chalked it up to their exhaustion.

The team would bring glimpses of the outside world he so desperately missed.

“Ruz,” Jay said softly.

Adam jumped up. “What is it man? More ice chips?” as he took a chip and slipped it on Jay’s tongue.

Jay let the warmth of his tongue take in the soothing cold.

“Thanks. I could use some other help,” he softly spoke trying hard not to overexert and initiate shooting pain down his throat.

“Anything,” Kim said taking his hand, now standing over him too.

“Will and Hailey,” Jay whispered. “Need to relax. Not here.”

“Yeah, good luck with that,” Adam smiled back at him.

Hailey and Will switched off every night so one could go home shower and sleep, he was never alone.

“Please. Dinner. Together. Somewhere nice,” Jay begged softly.

Kim and Adam shared a brief look. It was almost imperceptible, but not to an elite detective trained to read people. As hurt as he was, as far off his game as he was, Jay’s instincts remained.

“Ok buddy we will make it happen,” Adam promised. Kim smiled and sat back down.

---------------------------------------------

Jay couldn’t see the screen. Due to the very specific positioning his casts and traction demanded there was no wiggle room to sit him up.

Jay and Hailey stood with Ethan and Crockett as they looked up at the X ray and CAT Scan results.

“What am I looking at?” Hailey asked.

“For starters you are looking at fully functioning organs,” Ethan said with wide grin.

“Really???!!!,” Will yelped.

“Really. I know it has been a slow go. But his tests and scans are finally showing full functionality of all damaged organs… heart, kidneys AND brain,” Ethan pointed.

“So does that mean what I think it means?” Hailey asked.

“Jay can wrap up dialyses treatments!!!” Will said.

“Jay is right here,” he said hoarsely. He would never get used to how often people spoke about him when he was literally in the same room.

“Sorry Jay,” Ethan moved closer to his eye level.

“How do you feel about getting that shunt out?” Ethan said raising his eyebrow.

“YES!” Jay strongly yelped. The port in his groin for the treatment was a constant source of irritation, infection, and pain. It was yet another reason nurses were constantly touching him in ways he did not appreciate.

“Bud it gets even better,” Will said looking over the report.

“Look how well the internal injuries are healing,” Ethan said bringing an IPAD to show Jay.

The sight of backside immediately took him to a memory trap of what caused the injuries. He remembered the helpless feeling of the violent violation. He remembered pulling so hard on his chains he nearly strangled himself to death. He remembered hiding in memories of laying in Hailey’s arms in their bed… that place he retreated to between the hell of his captivity and permanent disassociation was his salvation.

“My turn,” Crockett stepped forward. He came over to talk directly to Jay. He understood the infantilizing reality Jay was currently stuck in.

“Jay? Jay?  JAY!!!” Crockett said loudly.

His eye flew open as he was ripped out of his daydream/nightmare.

“Huh?” he confusingly said.

“Did you hear what I said?” Crockett asked.

Jay looked over with a blank gaze.

“Jay we are scheduling surgery for the day after tomorrow to reverse the colostomy and to remove the pins and traction from your pelvis.”

“Jay are you hearing me? You feeling ok?” Crocket asked now concerned growing.

He flashed a light in Jay’s eye.

Jay blinked at the harsh light. “Yeah, sorry, I am ok.”

Will came over and took Jay’s hand.

“Jay this is big news. You’ll be able to work on going to the bathroom on your own, you’ll be able to sit up a little and have more mobility, you’ll even be able to start some physical therapy.

Jay smiled a little. Will and Hailey could tell there was a lot going on his head but let it go for the moment.

“Ok last piece of news. Looks like elbows are really fusing on both arms so we can recast the fractures below the elbow and get you out of that goal post position,” Crockett said pointing to a new set of X-rays.

“Jay?”

Unable to revel in the happiness of his progress, he was suffocated in memory.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Hailey was scurrying around the room trying to make sure they didn’t forget anything. After spending nearly 5 weeks in the hospital, a random assortment of things has accumulated. Take out cartons, hoodies, water bottles, get well soon cards, teddy bears, balloons. You name it, Hailey was throwing it out or shoving it in a bag.

Despite all the chaotic activity there was a silence between Hailey and Will that Jay had picked up on bit by bit during his hospital stay. Unsure exactly what it was saying, the mishandled silence spoke volumes to him.

Truth be told there was so much he was silent about - the thought of burdening everyone with his trauma from the past months was too shameful to consider.

Hank was there trying to steer clear of all the hub bub. He wasn’t a fan of being around Will, but he didn’t want to miss this. Mouse had come for the weekend to help with the transition.

Jay was no longer stuck laying flat. He was propped up at 30-degree angle, encircled by every pillow that could be spared. The surgeries had gone well. He was out of traction and his arms and legs were in soft cast braces. The colostomy bag was gone as was his dialysis port. While still incapacitated and unable to care for himself, it was a marked improvement.

Today was a big day. Jay was being released from the hospital to a long-term care facility. The doctors told him to assume a minimum of 6 months until he would be able to go home. Jay had other plans.

The transport team from the care facility was there waiting for the official ok to transfer their patient to the gurney.

Will, Ethan, and Crockett handed all the completed paperwork to get things going.

Moving Jay was not easy. He was certainly on the road to recovery, but his frail body was still broken, still brittle, still too traumatized for much of anything aside from rest. He had gained just over 15 lbs. in the past 5 weeks but was still painfully skinny. His left side of his face and eye still covered tightly in bandaging.

Everyone stood back as the team lifted him carefully and strapped him into the gurney for safe travel. Mouse could see Jay breathing deeply as they fit a brace around his neck and head and fastened it securely. Anxiety was building.

“Hey man,” Mouse said getting as close as he could. “Hang tight,” it’s only a 15 min drive. Jay took a deep breath and rasped, “Full. breath. Benny.”

Mouse couldn’t help but smile.

“What is that?” Will asked.

“Full Benefit, he answered. “In the Rangers when you are in the shit your commanding officers will yell out, “full benny.” No matter how bad of a situation you are in there always is a benefit you can learn or glean from it. You are never a victim,” he went on to explain.

Hank smirked a little.

“All us grunts had to yell out in return an example of how we could shift our perspective, forge ourselves from the experience,” he added.

Mouse turned back to Jay and in his deepest military sounding voice, “Detective Halstead, Full Benny!”

“The.” Deep breath. “Feeling.” Breath. “When.” Breath. “Prove.” Breath. “Em’.” Breath. Wrong.”

-----------------------------------------------------

Chapter Text

Hailey was nervously making the bed over and over again when the transport team arrived. It was an awkward set-up. Jay’s health insurance through CPD only covered a state-run facility. The wait list for a VA run institution was a mile long. So on top of being less than luxurious and understaffed, Jay was assigned a room with three other roommates.

He picked the short end of the stick and did not get a window view bed. Hailey was instantly uncomfortable by the whole vibe and was concerned Jay would struggle with his living environment. The doctors warned them time and time again that this prognosis was very much up in the air- if his bones remained too brittle, daily tasks may pose constant risk of fracture and infection. While he likely could get to the point of living at home, there would be no short-term timetable for that.

Seeing what his new “home” was turned her stomach.

“Alright big guy,” a member of the transport team said, “this is our stop.”

Jay was strapped in securely. With his injuries they couldn’t take the risk of refracturing or disturbing any healing wounds during his shift from hospital life to facility life.

A friendly looking nurse came to greet them. He came directly to the transport gurney and bent over to address Jay directly. “He’s good,” Hailey thought.

“Hi, Jay, welcome to Spring Valley Long Term Acute Care. My name is Matteo. I am the head nurse for your unit, and I oversee all the nurses that will be administering your care. He bent down even closer, “ I promise I will kick anyone’s butt that doesn’t treat you right,” he smirked.

Jay tried to return some sort of recognition but was too uncomfortable and unsure of his new surroundings to respond. He felt like the new kid at school on his first day.

“Let’s get you comfortable and settled and then I will introduce you to everyone Ok?”

The process to get him in his new bed took considerable effort. It was painful as all heck and required an injection of pain peds in his thigh muscle to get through the whole process.

After the delicate dance of lifting and supporting him carefully, Jay was locked and loaded in his new home.

He was exhausted by the trip and increasingly unsure of what the rhythms of life would be here.

“Welcome to the quiet ward. Here everyone is conscious to some degree but not mobile. You’ll have plenty of time to rest and continue your healing process at your body’s pace, not anyone else’s.”

Jay looked around slowly. He wasn’t looking for quiet. He was seeking hard work and results.

“To your left is Boris. He is also new only two weeks in, recovering from a traumatic brain injury. Say hi Boris!” Matteo suggested. The man next to him waved a little but didn’t move his head. Jay couldn’t wave back yet and looked over to Hailey seeking something to anchor him.

Across from you is Matthew who is recovering from a spinal cord injury. Matthew is at physical therapy but should be back soon. And diagonal from you is Diego who is recovering from some broken limbs due to an automobile accident.”

“Welcome to paradise brother,” Diego said with a laugh.

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Hank was looking intensely at the board in the intelligence office. His blood was boiling.

Sasha’s eyes seemingly glaring right back at him. Two fierce men staring each other down without a blink- both willing to do whatever it took to protect their interests. Whatever it took.

Reports came in that 3 of his associates were seen in Chicago the day before.

The team assembled to figure out strategy and next steps. They had been searching for Sasha since Jay was returned to them. This was the first solid lead they had in an otherwise cold case.

Hank had experienced some of the worst months of his life since Jay went missing. Camille dying, Justin’s death, and Al’s death were the only experiences that were members of the elusive club that brought Hank Voight to his knees.

First the not knowing ate him alive. He kept it all in, stayed strong for Hailey and the team while the pervasive thoughts of what may be happening to one his own tore away at him from the inside.

That day Jay was shipped back to them… the moment he read the crate’s packing slip and saw it listed one pig from Sasha’s farm… everything he held in all those months back came out in a violent maelstrom.

He knew it was Jay. He knew Sasha purposefully played with their emotions making them think their beloved colleague was dead.

But Why? They could have just killed Jay to hurt them for the rest of their lives. Was it just to torture everyone to the fullest extent? This question continued to haunt his every hour.

They put protective details on Makayla, Adam, Kim, Hailey, and Jay. Sasha made it a point to identify them as the subjects of his ire. The most vulnerable had 24-hour protection- Makayla at school and Jay at Spring Valley while the others had protection outside the 21st. They couldn’t leave anything to chance with Sasha still out there.

Some of his associates Maxim, Vasyl, and Artem were seen leaving a restaurant in downtown Chicago. Then Artem was spotted on camera footage leaving a pharmacy. That was all the team had to go on.

“Run facial rec through city camera footage. Maybe we can get lucky and pinpoint where they are staying,” Hank ordered to Dante.

“If they are here that means Sasha is not far,” Adam said rubbing his hands in thought on the tips of his beard.

“Is he here for business or to continue his vendetta?” Kim asked.

“He’s here for more blood,” Hailey said staring directly at the picture of the man that heinously tortured her husband. “Why Chicago? We know why -- he wants to stake his claim here again. Messing with us is an added bonus.”

Hailey had thrown herself fully back into work. With jay in long-term care and limited visitation, she was ready to lean on the old crutch that got her through adult angst- living and breathing a case.

“Boss, I have something. We got a partial plate on the car leaving the pharmacy,” Dante called out.

“Run it through every system CPD, FBI, Homeland Security,” Hank barked. “I don’t care what it takes. We are finding this prick.”
---------------------------------------------------

The first days at Spring Valley were frustrating for Jay. The whole time in the hospital his focus was to make it here so he could start real physical therapy to achieve the only goal he would allow to exist in his mind– full recovery. There was no other option for consideration.

Instead he found himself sleeping often, exhausted by the trip and the transition to the new environment. He had a difficult time adjusting to convalescence.

Now that guests could only come for short visits twice a day, he spent a lot of time alone listening to the TV playing in his roommates’ bays or staring endlessly at a crack in the ceiling tile above his bed. As much as he hated being gawked at during his hospital stay, he was embarrassed to admit how lonely it was here.

On his bedside tray sat pictures of Hailey on their wedding day, Will and Jay at their grandfather’s cabin as little boys, and Intelligence at Trudy’s birthday party. He stared at those photos at nauseum to help pass the time. He relied heavily on disassociating from his stale reality and living in daydreams of Hailey, his childhood with Will, and adventures with the Rangers and Intelligence. It was the only lifeline separating him from survival and mania.

His kick-off to physical therapy was disappointing. Fred, his therapist, set a goal for the first 3 weeks to get him comfortably sitting up 45 degrees for 30 minutes. Jay thought he was joking. If this was the pace, they’d be moving he really would be living here indefinitely.

“Yeah, I know it’s not the most exciting goal, but you have to remember with your bone density your spine cannot take the pressure and weight sitting requires. We will get there I promise,” Fred assured.

It was still painful to talk more than a few words, and without someone there to help communicate, he found himself frustrated often.

“Eat?” he rasped. “Move?” he got out. His throat felt drier at Spring Valley. Will had ordered a humidifier to help, it had yet to arrive.

“Jay, man, I know you are eager to get going but we can’t rush recovery. You haven’t been cleared to swallow anything beyond ice chips yet, you know that. The feeding tube is giving you nourishment. Until your fractures heal, some of those tears repair, and your bone density improves we can’t do much about the muscle atrophy aside from the gentle stretching the nurses do with you already,” Fred reminded him. He didn’t need reminding. He needed a plan. His muscles had atrophied dramatically after 7 months of essentially not moving. Between his time in shackles in captivity, and his subsequent recovery, a herculean effort was necessary to build back what he had lost .

“I promise you will not be laying in that bed forever. Just be patient, alright?”

Jay didn’t want to be rude or seem ungrateful, he had no energy to argue. The clock said 405PM- he was hoping someone was coming to visit soon.

“While we have to be slow on the physical front, we are going to get you started with some talk therapy” Fred said as he saw the joyless gaze Jay returned to him “Hang in there, ok?”

The very last thing Jay had any interest in was talk therapy. He couldn’t go there. Not now anyway.

“Knock, knock,” Hailey and Kim cheerfully offered.

Fred began to walk out and whispered to them, “someone’s a little grumpy today.”

“Hey, you,” Hailey said coming over to kiss the side of Jay’s unbandaged cheek.

“Hey,” he said with his best attempt at a smile.

“We have some surprises for you,” Kim chirped as she handed Hailey a cumbersome bag.

“It’s your favorite,” Hailey said as she pulled out an ivory fuzzy blanket. “From our bed at home, you remember?” she asked as she pulled it over his legs. She tucked him in snugly as she gently placed his braced arms above the comforting softness.

He smiled a bit more genuinely than before. Hailey took that as an invitation to nuzzle her nose up to his. He was so desperate for her touch. He drank it up and grinned from ear to ear.

Kim watched the sweet scene unfold. “Oh there is more,” she beamed.

She pulled out a framed drawing. It was one of those sweet kid drawings that is a bit goofy but made with so much care you cannot help but love it. “Mak made it. It’s the two of you hugging,” Kim explained as she placed the frame on the petite bedside shelf.

Jay’s smile grew even bigger. “Mak,” he paused looking at the picture. “Tell her. Thank. You,” he got out wincing a little as the last two words stung in his throat.

“I’ll go grab some fresh ice chips for you,” Kim said.

Hailey sat next to Jay’s bed. It was a tight squeeze with Boris’s curtain inches away from her.

She gently ran her fingers through Jay’s hair. “Tough day?” she asked.

“Sick of. Laying here. Feel Pathetic,” he got out.

“Baby I hear you. I do,” Hailey said as Kim rounded back in with a plastic pitcher of chips.

She handed the pitcher to Hailey and sat in the other plastic chair next to her.

Hailey began grazing an ice chip on his lips before popping it on his tongue.

“Hail. Kim. Please,” he began. “Get me. Out,” Jay begged somewhat seriously.

“Yeah babe, not a chance,” Hailey laughed. Kim threw her hands up in defeat.

Jay had sweet, begging, little kid eyes in that moment. “Aww Halstead you even have me feeling guilty right now,” Kim cooed. “And I am usually impervious to puppy dog eyes.”

They spent the rest of visiting time regaling Jay of silly stories of mishaps at the precinct. Jay sat listening and smiling at these women who meant so much to him. They were the medicine he needed to pacify his loneliness and frustration.

“Visiting hours ending in 15 minutes,” a voice over the loudspeaker said. “Social activity this evening is magic night. Orderlies will be arriving shortly to escort.”

“A magic show huh?” Kim smirked.

“No. Chance,” Jay quickly answered.“

Hailey knew Jay wasn’t into organized fun generally. He couldn’t sit up yet, no way he’d enjoy being rolled into a room of other patients. She was worried he was depressed. But she wasn’t going to pick an argument over this.

“Ok maybe not the magic show,” Hailey said as she tucked him in tighter.

“I’m going to head out,” Kim said knowing Hailey and Jay deserved some husband-and-wife time.

“Thanks for (deep breath). Coming,” Jay said with a soft look at his departing friend.

Hailey stood up from her chair and tried her best to sit at the edge of Jay’s bed. The bars on the sides end made it hard.

“Come here,” he said with a longing voice.

She shimmied herself between the bars and Jay.

“It’s ok. You couldn’t. Hurt me if (deep breath). You tried,” he said coaxing her to snuggle on his chest.

Those words stung for a moment. If only he knew the truth.

She laid her head in the nook of his shoulder. At first nervous to hurt him, then quickly falling into his warmth. She took his arm and lifted it to hold her.

He inhaled deeply, taking in the familiar scent of the woman he adored, the woman he yearned for without end.

How do you explain the chemistry of lovers that are true? The perfect alchemy of trust, desire, safety, challenge, admiration.

Like fairy dust dancing around their heads an intense passion radiated between them.

They weren’t in a position to act, but they both felt they could reach out and touch it, taste it on their tongues.

Hailey lifted her head and they locked eyes.

“Hailey,” was all he managed.

She took her hand and did as she had done so often for the past weeks. Only this time she allowed her caress to imbue all of her emotion. No more holding back.

Whatever is it that makes a soul connect to another, drew them closer in that moment than they had ever been before. He felt her emotion permeate him in a way that made everything in his heart and mind melt away -- it was the highest expression of love.

Jay felt a sense of arousal. Hailey noticed too. She was happy they could connect in this way despite the institutional reality of their surroundings.

His heart sank immediately. He was desperately trying to hide the shame threatening to take away the beauty they were experiencing.

He wasn’t ready to talk about what he had endured.

This was the first time Jay felt arousal since his vicious sexual assault. Only now did he appreciate how it would affect everything moving forward. Arousal was no longer associated with pleasure. It now co-existed with the deepest shame he had ever felt.

“Hey, what happened there? Lost you for a second,” Hailey asked concerned he seemed to lose the magic of the moment. She was smiling softly at him trying to reengage eye contact.

Jay had withdrawn. It was the happiest he had felt since his abduction and Sasha managed to destroy his ability to be present in its glow.

Hailey pulled away slightly, confused by his abrupt disengagement.

Matteo walked in holding a new bag for Jay’s feeding tube. “Magic night?” he asked eyebrows raised. Jay’s non-response said it all.

“Alright, but once we’ve got you in a wheelchair you won’t be able to dodge social activities so easily.”

“Say goodnight to your beautiful wife. Time to get you cleaned up and swap out the nutrient pack for dinner,” he said trying to keep things light with his clearly depressed patient.

Hailey bent over and ever so softly kissed his lips. It sent a shiver down his back. They had yet to fully kiss since he returned. Her touch did more to reawaken his soul than anything else – but now it was wrapped up in the messiness of his trauma.

“Be good, baby,” She sweetly commanded. “I love you.”

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The days and weeks at Spring Valley passed slowly. Progress felt even slower. The passage of time did what it did, and small pieces of Jay were coming back together.

Jay was finally sitting up. He was able to spend time in a reclining wheelchair that allowed him to move between 30 degrees, 45 degrees and one day hopefully 90 degrees. The chair had a head rest that cradled his neck and head all to ensure he was not putting too much pressure on his spine or pelvis.

His skull fracture healed well enough that the bandaging was removed. The chances of infection dropped. His left eye was still covered but doctors were optimistic he would have decent vision once it was fully healed.

His casts and braces were reduced further to light weight braces. His fractures had pretty much healed, but he was at high risk for refracture. The braces offered some protection and allowed for more flexibility at the joints.

This all added up to an exciting milestone- out of bed physical therapy.

With his new braces he could finally wear regular clothes – Hailey went to the store to buy him lounge wear in his smaller size. He was up to nearly 145 lbs. now, but still frail and painfully thin compared to the strapping, muscular frame he previously fashioned.

She and Will had been coming separately depending on their work schedules switching off between morning and evening visits.

For this big day they both came.

Will was busy helping Jay into his shirt and hoody. The pants weren’t too hard to get on, but the tops posed trickier challenges.

“Alright bud nice and easy… head is through, woo hoo!” Will cheered.

“Can’t lift my arms,” Jay reminded him. Fuller sentences emerged here and there.

“Here let me help,” Hailey said as she came over to assist in maneuvering Jay’s arms through the t shirt sleeves.

“Voila,” she smiled.

Despite the smaller sizing the clothes still hung on Jay like a little boy trying on his big brother’s stuff. None the les,s now finally out of hospital clothes, Jay looked closer to the man he was.

“Thank you,” Jay said sincerely.

“Yeah of course Bud this wasn’t too hard,” Will responded with a Halstead grin.

“No, I mean. It. Thank you. For everything,” he had to pause for a second both because it hurt to talk more than a few words and because he was choking up.

“You guys. !… I…I owe you. So much, “ he said tenderly.

“Jay,” Hailey said as she came over to caress his cheek. Finally with the bandaging gone she could love him with her touch more intimately.

“We thought we lost you. We thought you were gone forever,” Hailey’s sadness and guilt crept into her throat with a ferocity she hadn’t anticipated.

“We know this all sucks in ways we cannot comprehend,” Will continued reading what was going through Hailey’s mind. “You are our hero, man. What you fought through to come home, what you continue to fight through, it’s a fucking privilege to play a small role in getting you to the finish line,” Will said.

Hailey looked away from Will and directly at Jay. If she focused on him, she could swallow the pain.

“I am. Useless. It’s been two. (deep breath) Months. Still. Useless.” Jay admitted in defeat. He wasn’t trying to look for sympathy. He was truly trying to convey how much gratitude he held in his heart for all they have done and continue to do for him.

“You are not a burden Jay. This still feels like a dream. You are here. Every second has been a gift. Every time I walk into this room I get butterflies when I see you. The state of your body doesn’t make you - you. You are your soul. I look at you and all I see is your tender, strong, beautiful soul. Your body will catch up in time,” Hailey offered with her full heart.

“We love you so much. You know how much we love you right?” Hailey almost begging for redemption with her question.

Jay was looking down at his chest. He was overwhelmed with emotion. He felt like a pathetic nuisance. He felt debased, tarnished, damaged. He felt staggering shame for allowing Sasha and his minions to defile him to such a degree and for so long. He felt like his wounded spirit couldn’t carry the gift that was Will’s and Hailey’s love. He felt so small and unworthy.

The last thing he wanted to do was to burden them further with all of the pervasive thoughts he was experiencing. He didn’t open up to his psychologist at Spring Valley and he sure as heck wasn’t going to lay this on top of the load they were already carrying for him.

He looked up and nodded.

“You guys ok?” Jay asked with a seriousness that made both Will and Hailey squirm.

“Jay we are not the one recovering from catastrophic injuries, we are more than ok,” Will answered.

“I know you. I can. Can tell,” Jay whispered.

Hailey’s eyes doubled.

“Jay?” she asked.

“You don’t look. At each other. Will don’t blame (deep breath) her. Or Voight. Not their fault,” Jay said, worried that was the root of the tension. “Sasha’s fault. Whatever it. Is. You can tell me,” Jay said seriously asking them to be honest.

Will and Hailey had a choice. Jay was too smart and attuned. He knew something was up. Do they rip the band-aid off and tell him? Truth be told the secret was eating them up alive. All of intelligence knew at this point. They never brought it up but the knowing glances and pauses when Will and Hailey were together spoke volumes.

They had discussed it one night when Jay was sedated in the hospital. They both agreed that telling Jay would be selfish. Sure it may assuage their guilt a little to let it out, but he had too much to carry. They couldn’t do it. Deep inside the fear of what it would do to him and how he would react cast an ominous shadow.

“OK buddy. I won’t blame them. I get it. It’s all good, really,” Will assured rubbing his legs.

“Let’s do some stretching, ok?” Will offered in a desperate attempt to change the subject.

----------------------------------------------
Fred came into the room with an orderly and began to move their patient.

“I heard you were quite the gym rat in your heyday,” Fred said as they strapped the five-point harness across Jay’s chest and hips, keeping him secure in his wheelchair.

Jay smirked. “Yeah. Prefer the golf. Course.”

“We will get you on that course again. First stop the gym,” Fred commanded.

Will and Hailey waved goodbye. This was a big step.

Fred pushed the chair through the sliding doors separating the gym from the rest of the ward.

Jay took it all in. The room was enormous. The ceilings went up two flights high to allow some of the tall contraptions to fit with ease. Throughout the space people were stretching, lifting, jumping, lunging, walking, rolling, stabilizing, reaching... they were all making strides forward.

His face lit up. This was what he had been waiting for. Everyone in that room was moving.

Jay was a US Army Ranger. He was built to move, work hard, fight through pain. That was in his blood. Laying around for weeks and months on end went against everything he was born to do.

Fred and the orderly wheeled him over to an area that was elevated and padded. They unbuckled the harness and gently lifted Jay down onto the soft mat. The orderly adjusted Jay’s catheter bag and moved the IV stand that was attached to the wheelchair so Jay could move easily.

While they were getting things set up, Jay looked around in uneasy wonder. He was ready to fight for his recovery but starting from what felt like zero was scary. He took a deep breath, steadying himself for the hill he had to climb.

His mind went back to the warehouse. Starving and laying prone in chains, he made a vow to himself and to everyone he loved that he would not let them break him. The took almost everything from him, but they could not steal his dignity, they couldn’t take his name.

Now a new challenge lay before him. He pulled from that same inner strength and vowed to push through the pain and frustration. No excuses. That was the real Jay Halstead. Sure he was down, but he wouldn’t allow himself to stay down forever.

“Alright you ready big guy?” Fred asked before getting started.

“Ready,” he responded as strongly as his voice would allow.

“You’ve been essentially in traction for 8 months. The muscle atrophy is incredibly severe. So you have to be patient and persistent – if you promise to work your ass off, I promise we will build back whatever is humanly possible,” Fred started as he straddled over him.

Jay nodded.

“Ok let’s start with the right side.” He held his hand a few inches above Jay’s. “Try to lift your arm and touch my hand.”

It was maybe 4-6 inches away yet felt like an impossible feat. He truly had almost no mobility.

They spent the next 45 minutes trying to get his right hand to rise the few inches. It was equal parts comical and infuriating.

“Great effort today, Jay,” Fred said as he began to get up.

“Wait. Not yet,” Jay begged.

“Jay, this isn’t going to happen overnight. You already made great progress. I saw how you were able to have some control,” Fred assured.

“Please,” Jay pleaded.

“Ok, Ok we can go a few minutes over. But remember if you overdo it can backfire. You can easily retear your ligaments in your wrists. They are weakened,” Fred reminded him.

Jay locked in. He used the memory of Will and Hailey sleeping uncomfortably in plastic chairs by his bedside. He owed it to them to find a way.

His hand shook and the sweat profusely poured out-what felt like an eternity was the time he needed to hit his target. Fred was sure he was pushing too hard and was about to stop him when he felt the top of Jay’s knuckle graze the bottom of his palm. It wasn’t a full, clean tap but it was something.

“Damn Halstead. Well done,” Fred cheered in surprise.

Jay was too tired to respond but his smile said it all. He just set the tone. He showed Fred what he was made of.
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Will lay in bed with Jay. He had come in for morning visiting hours to find Jay stuck in a cruel nightmare. In order to get him to calm down, Will climbed into bed next to him and essentially spooned his brother as tightly as he could without hurting him.

Jay’s cries soothed to whimpers as Will quietly whispered in his ear.

When his little brother finally quieted, Will stayed in bed holding him as he slept.

Fred walked in carrying a commode (portable bathroom chair) with a big bow on it in his hands. He placed it down and came over to look at Jay’s stats.

Will mouthed, “shhhhhh.”

“Another nightmare?” Fred asked softly. Will nodded.

I’ll come back in a little bit.”
-----------------------------------
“Happy birthday!!!” Fred, Matteo and an orderly cheered.

Will was out of the bed at this point sitting on the chair by Jay’s bed.

“We’ve got a surprise for you,” Matteo chirped.

Jay looked over at the commode with uncertain eyes.

“Every guys dream,” he said.

“How would you feel getting that catheter out? And learning to use this bad boy instead of us rolling you on your side with the bed pan?” Matteo asked with an eyebrow raised in excitement.

“Are you serious?” Jay asked in excitement.

“That’s my cue,” Will said. He bent over and kissed Jay on the top of the head.

“Happy birthday bro, I’ll see you tonight for the soiree,” Will said leaving the quartet to do their thing.

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That evening Hailey was given special dispensation to break the 2 guests maximum rule. It was Jay’s birthday, and she could invite up to 10 guests to celebrate with his fellow patients. This was a big deal given the strict Covid policies in place.

The guys came a little earlier hoping the laxness for the birthday boy would extend the hours they could come too. They didn’t ask, figured they would apologize later.

Dante, Kevin, and Adam hung out in his room with a White Sox game playing in the background.

Fred came in with a tray.

“Sorry to bust in on this party but I thought someone may want some broth,” Fred looking directly at Jay.

Will chimed in, “he’s clear for liquids?’

“That esophagus is looking better my friend. No solids yet but Dr. Ramos said you can try to swallow some clear fluids and see how it goes.”

“DUDE!” Adam said with gusto.

Jay was sitting up, but the bed created an angle that would made it tricky to eat soup without spilling.

Fred pulled the tray up to Jay’s bed as close to his body as possible.

Will kicked off his shoes, got into bed, and gently slid himself under Jay so he could help him sit up with support.

He wrapped his arms and legs around him and got him into position.

Hank arrived and stood at the door watching the scene unfold.

Kevin looked at Fred who suggested with his eyes, “ go ahead.”

Kevin assumed the position and gently fed Jay his first slurp of real food in months.

Jay swallowed. It burned a little, but it did not compare to how good it felt to taste food in his mouth again.

He grinned from ear to ear.

“Feeding tube is going to stay in for a while. We can’t have you losing any weight. But man solids are not too far off,” Fred said with a smile.

The guys all cheered like their favorite team just won the Super Bowl.

Just like that, Jay quickly regurgitated some of the soup. Adam dove in with a napkin to clean him up.

“To be expected, don’t worry about it,” Fred said as he tucked a napkin in Jay’s collar to catch anything else that may come up. “Try a few more spoonfuls.”

Kevin got back to work. The lightness in the room was palpable. Despite all the heartache, joy found its way out of the darkness.
-------------------------------------------------
Spring Valley celebrated everyone’s birthdays the same way – in the cafeteria cake was served to those who could eat) after singing happy birthday. Kim, Hailey, Trudy, and Makayla were trying to jazz up the space a little.

Makayla had made a birthday sign at home and brought party hats, balloons, and blow horns for everyone. “Mak insisted,” Kim shrugged when Trudy asserted that there was no way Jay Halstead would put the little pointy hat on his head.

Makayla had been asking about Jay without fail since he went missing that day at the golf simulator. It haunted her that her Uncle Jay was taken. She was there. She felt the tension and fear that spread like wildfire that day. She overheard that he sacrificed himself to protect her.

The whole ordeal triggered memories from her abduction by her birth father’s friends. Kim and Adam were working with her therapist to seek healthy ways of expressing her anxiety. Planning the details of this party was a healthy way for her to cope.

Hailey tipped Jay off to how much this meant to Makayla. He was heartbroken to hear she was struggling with her abduction anxiety. He would do anything for her.

So, when a nurse wheeled him into the cafeteria, he was all in on making this special for his favorite little girl.

“Uncle Jaaaaaaaaay,” Makayla shrieked as she ran over to hug him.

This was the first time they had seen one another since playing golf together that fateful Sunday. Jay was overcome with emotion when he saw her. She represented everything good and hopeful in a world that felt dim lately.

Kim caught wind of how much heart was swirling and stepped in to help keep everyone in the room from crying.

“Remember nice and gentle,” as she pulled Makayla back from bulldozing into him.

Makayla understood. And delicately came up to him with a broad smile, cupping her hand in his.

“Birthday hat?” she beamed showing off a newly lost tooth.

Jay nodded with assuring eyes.

Adam lifted her up and she fit the elastic string under his chin securing the hat in place.

Kim gave a snide smirk to Trudy who held her hands up in defeat. Kim was right. Mak owned Jay.

Severide and Herrmann arrived as the rest of the team was getting situated. It was awkward. Most long-term patients are there to receive acute care for traumatic brain injuries and/or severe physical limitations. The patients in the cafeteria and their staff care takers all created a collaborated symphony of sound and commotion. The depressing and stale feeling floated around subtly.

They made the best of it. The cafeteria staff had the whole room sing happy birthday to Jay. With many patients limited in their abilities, Jay’s guests sang as loudly as possible to make up for the feeble participation. Jay hated every second of the attention but did his best to take it all in and enjoy the fact that he made it to this celebration. Not a given just a few short months ago.

Cake was handed out. Jay assured everyone it was ok to eat it even though he couldn’t.

“Trying to keep a trim figure,” he teased.

Makayla helped open the presents. Kim and Adam got him a new pillow that was especially soft and Makayla decorated a pillow case with hearts and golf clubs.

“It’s supposed to be made out of some space age polymers or something,” Adam said as he tried to sell the merits of their gift.

Severide and Herrmann brought a fire helmet signed by all the firefighters at 51. This was the first time Jay saw them since they cut his shackles off outside the ER. They had visited him while he was in a coma but hadn’t seen him since.

Jay had small memories of that day, but one that seared into his mind was the look on Herrmann’s face when he saw him. His vision was blurry, but the devastation and shock penetrated.

“We’ll always have your back man,” Kelly said as he put the helmet on Jay’s lap.

“Joe says he is ready to whoop your ass at the next CPD v CFD football game,” Herrmann jumped in.

The whole night was a chess match of love, emotion, and levity.

Hailey came over with a little box. “I can give you mine later,” she said knowing visiting hours were almost over. Also, the gift felt a little too personal for a crowd.

“Oh, please open it here,” Makayla said excitedly.

“Mak,” Adam tried to stifle her exuberance a little.

“It’s ok,” Hailey said. “This is sort of a regift anyway.”

She opened the box and pulled out Jay’s black wedding ring. It had been retrieved from the car trunk he was thrown in that was left by the side of the road.

“Happy birthday baby,” she said as she slid it onto his ring finger.

Jay still had a ways to go in the gaining weight department. The ring was way too big. But he closed his fingers around it for the brief time it lay in its rightful place.

All attempts at not crying vanquished. Even Hank found himself getting choked up.

Hailey and Jay locked gazes and both smiled. She leaned in for the most passionate kiss she could give without hurting him. It was beautiful and everyone reveled in their friends’ hard earned happiness.

An orderly came over, putting his hand on his watch to signify it was time for everyone to go.

Will came over to help ease the celebrants out of the spell the moment had cast.

“Alright, let’s put that back in the box for safe keeping. It’ll fit in no time I’m sure,” he said with confidence.

Will noticed Hank roll his eyes.

Dante came over to Jay. “Looking good man. Need you back soon to show me how to run in a thigh holster. Can’t get used to it.”

Jay smiled back. “Working on it brother.”

Everyone said their goodbyes to Jay and began packing up the décor and mess.

Jay’s orderly took him out to get him ready for bed.

A dusting of happiness danced between each reveler. Despite the surroundings and circumstances, joy and heartfelt warmth was shared that evening.

Everyone could tell Jay felt happy in that moment and hoped it provided a respite from his suffering.

Kim left with Makayla as it would be way past her bedtime by the time they got home and settled.

Will couldn’t shake the feeling that Voight continued to disapprove of him. In true Halstead style, he would not let it go.

“What?” He barked at Voight as he saw his brother’s boss staring at him cleaning the juice spill on the table.

Hank stood silently for a minute contemplating how to respond. His own emotions had been building for months.

“You continue to judge me,” Will said. “You of all people… judge me??????”

Hailey’s eyes shot up. “Will, please, not here.”

Hank didn’t want to make a scene. In truth he didn’t know exactly what to say. On the one hand he understood what had transpired and why. Really who was he to judge? But on the other hand, Jay had been wronged in a multitude of ways and no one was paying the price.

Kevin went to put an arm on Will to help him calm down.

“You stand here and judge me for sleeping with Hailey when really what is bothering you is the fact that you failed Jay. You were supposed to protect him. “You are supposed to protect all of them,” Will spat in anger.

Those words hit Hank like a sucker punch to his soul. In many ways Will was right. It was easier to place his disgust and anger on Will than on the correct target… himself.

“Look what they did to him, Hank!!!!! Fuck you and your judgment.”

Kevin began to push Will down to sit in a chair to collect himself.

Adam went up to Hank and in a low voice, “Let’s go, boss, not here, not now.”

Dante was the one who said, “GUYS,” while looking at the door where Jay’s orderly was standing next to Jay, party hat still affixed, in his chair.

The orderly was at a loss for how to proceed. They had walked in when Will and Hank started fighting. They heard it all.

“Uh, sorry, excuse me. We forgot the presents. We’ll be out of your way in a moment,” he stuttered as he grabbed the helmet, pillow, and ring box.

If heartbreak and surrender could be felt within your hands, Jay’s face emitted that tangible sensation in spades.

Hailey ran to him, but the orderly reminded her that it’s past visiting hours and that he had a long day, needed rest. He awkwardly fumbled the gifts and pushed his patient out of the room, out of the miserable scene that just unfolded. The orderly could sense Jay needed a defender, he needed protection.

______________________________________
That evening Matteo texted Hailey and Will suggesting they give Jay some space. He heard what happened from his staff and saw the absolute devastation on Jay’s stoic face during lights out rounds.

The weight of it all was crushing. In his hour of need they failed him once and now they did it again. All she could do was give him the time he deserved to wrap his thoughts around their deception.

That didn’t mean he had to be alone though. Hank and the others could fill the vacuum.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matteo put his hand up before they could enter the room. “Look it’s been a rough afternoon. He’s hit some sort of frustration point and acted out of character.”

“What the hell does that mean?” Adam said with anger rising in the pit of his stomach.

“He’s been silent all day, wouldn’t talk. We took the catheter out yesterday because we thought he was ready and could use the psychological boost. In occupational therapy he has been working on feeling the cues to relieve himself and buzzing for help to be lifted to the commode. We are badly understaffed with so many staff out with Covid. He had 3 accidents in bed today and we had to reinsert the catheter and put him back in cloth protection,” Matteo said hard pressed to make eye contact. He felt bad that part of Jay’s setback was their quality of care or lack thereof, but they were doing the best they could with such little staff support.

“You can’t do that to him. He hates this shit but has been dealing with whatever you have asked, every goddamn day just lying there,” Adam exploded. He was defending Jay and letting off some of his guilt rage too.

“What happened?” Hank interrupted.

“He got aggressive. Never saw that from him before. Sure he can be quiet or moody, but never aggressive. We had to give him a quick acting relaxant and…”

“Tell me you didn’t restrain him!!” Adam asserted sharply.

“Not fully. His chart clearly states that full restraints could trigger PTSD. We had no choice and had to take measures to ensure he wouldn’t keep trying to remove the foley, feeding tube, and his other IV’s. He was not himself in there,” Matteo confessed with concern.

Hank and Adam both winced.

Of course they knew what was going on. Jay was devastated, frustrated, angry, confused, tired, hurt…he was fed up. They knew their guy – he wanted to be left alone to physically heal and to process what transpired the night before. He had held everything in for so long, tried to be strong, but the revelation of the affair and the subsequent cover up tore away the last of his defenses.

Hank and Adam anxiously walked into Jay’s curtained off section of the room. He was staring glassy eyed at the ceiling with large padded restraint mittens strapped around his wrists, preventing him from pulling out any tubing needed for his care and protecting staff from his futile attempts to flail his limbs. Two nurses were finishing cleaning him up and quickly made their way out.

Jay didn’t look at his colleagues, but he felt their presence. His eyes stared like lasers at that same tile in the ceiling.

“Please, go,” he said in a pained voice. Clearly trying to fight off crying in front of them.

“Jay, we are just checking in,” Hank said as softly as his gruff voice would allow.

“Please,” Jay said now unable to fight the tears.

Adam and Hank knew that if Jay couldn’t hold it in, he really was in a bad way. They had to respect his wishes. They couldn’t take away whatever fraction of autonomy he had.

“OK. We will check in soon. You need anything at all have them call us,” Hank said.

The intense wave of emotion they felt painfully propelled the men out of the room. Adam couldn’t fight his own tears from falling. Watching Jay needing to be treated that way, seeing him finally break after all he had endured… oof, some days leave a nasty mark.

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The next morning Kevin and Adam swung by during early visiting hours. When they checked in at the front desk the receptionist informed them that Jay was not receiving any visitors.

“There must be some mistake,” Adam offered.

“Is Matteo on duty right now?” Kevin asked.

“I’ll see if he is available,” the receptionist offered as she waved them off.

A few minutes later the elevator door opened, and Matteo stepped out.

“Look I know you are upset. Jay requested no visitors moving forward and we have to respect his wishes.”

“He can’t just be here alone. No one can,” Kevin said with heartbroken exasperation.

“Guys he is going through a rough patch. It is common with long term patients. He thought he’d come here and be running laps by now. The reality of recovery for his injuries is a tough pill to swallow. And with everything else he is dealing with…” Matteo explained.

“Please tell me you guys are done with all that from yesterday,” Adam pleaded.

“He is really down. But we are not giving up on him. This afternoon a psychologist will assess his emotional state and determine if the mittens can come off. I know it’s hard to see…,” Matteo added. He meant to add it’s for his own good but just couldn’t get the words out.

“Take good care of him until his support system can come back,” Adam said trying not to fully expose his sadness.

“I promise you I will,” Matteo said before turning back to head upstairs.

------------------------------------

Jay’s psychologist, Dr. Goldin, was sitting by his bed. They have had a dozen or so sessions since his arrival at Spring Valley. Jay didn’t reveal much. He often used the time to sit quietly and observe the cracked tile above him.

Finally Dr. Goldin had some leverage. No way Jay was happy being in the restraint gloves. They were often used for dementia patients that got violent with their caretakers or patients that would consciously or subconsciously pull out their tubing.

But if he wanted his hands back, he would have to talk and prove to the doctor he wasn’t a risk to himself or to the staff.

“Jay, I heard what happened last night. And I heard you have barred all visitors.”

He did not want to talk about it. It was bad enough some of the staff heard it all go down.

“Jay is isolating yourself from everyone going to help you?”

Jay took one last look at the ceiling before cracking. He needed to end this humiliation one way or the other.

“Silence rides shotgun (deep breath) with the lie,” Jay said finally.

“You harbor blame towards your friends for remaining silent?”

“It’s not that. I just can’t do it,” Jay said in a flat tone.

“You can’t do what?” Dr. Goldin pushed.

“The whole time I was away (deep breath). The only thing keeping me from giving up was Hailey and Will. Repeatedly (deep breath). Memories of what it felt like to be seen and loved by them… (deep breath). Kept me going.”

“And now?” Dr. Goldin asked.

“And now I am laying here. Like a patient in… In the psych ward.” Jay was trying really hard to say full sentence without needing to pause.

“Now I can’t go to. To those memories. To pull me through. My crutch. My saving grace that sustained (deep breath) me through….” Jay paused. He wasn’t ready to talk about his time in captivity. “It has been pulled away. They all knew. They all watched it (deep breath) unfold. Didn’t say a word.”

“You feel they should have told you what happened between your wife and brother?”

Jay didn’t blame them for not saying anything. It wasn’t their place to reveal someone else’s secret. This wasn’t about punishing them, it really wasn’t. Seeing everyone would mean facing the pain and embarrassment over and over again. Right now his bandwidth was completely spent. He needed time alone to let it all marinate, let his heart absorb the profound sadness that was bouncing off every part of him.

“No. I just need time,” he said honestly.

He looked down at his restrained hands.

“Please. I’m sorry about yesterday. Please,” Jay softly asked.

Dr. Goldin stood up and put down his notepad.

‘Jay I am glad you opened up today,” as he began to unstrap the Velcro holding one mitten in place.

“Please keep this going. You have survived extreme trauma and I want to help you process it so you can thrive again,” Dr. Goldin said finally making eye contact with his stubborn patient.

He walked over to his other hand and began undoing the second mitten.

“Thank (deep breath) you,” Jay said with a sincerity in his eyes that touched the doctor.

His eyes went back to the ceiling, but his head had a new focus.

While this place was stifling, sterile, and prison-like it was his only option.

He’d do what they asked. He’d push himself harder than he should. He’d suffer any indignity necessary to be free of that bed. He’d get out of there and find his independence.

Before he relied on the people he loved and trusted to lean on and to help pull him through.

That interdependent reality was ripped away.

The only way out was on his own.

---------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Text

Hailey sat at her desk. A picture of her with Jay laughing at some ridiculous Ruzek hijinks reflected light into her eyes. She  turned it on its side a little to stop the blinding distraction.

It had been a month since Jay’s birthday. Four weeks since she last laid eyes on him.

Hailey tried not to obsessively think about what happened. Months of searching for and fearing for Jay. Then another two months of caring for him and watching him suffer endlessly. Her heart could only handle so much. Of course she failed miserably and couldn’t stop replaying that night in her head.

She and Hank had a conversation about it and agreed they should respect Jay’s need for space. They couldn’t imagine what he was going through and they sure as hell couldn’t put their need to see him above his need to process this without an audience.

Kim came over to comfort her friend one night with a bottle of wine. She had previously judged Hailey for sleeping with Will and wasn’t the most supportive friend on that front. But in the end, she knew how much Hailey genuinely loved her husband and how much she suffered over the past 8.5 months in his absence and throughout his harrowing recovery. Mistakes were made in despair. None of this was fair.

Hailey was unspeakably angry at Will. They had agreed together that telling Jay would do more harm than good. They lied straight to Jay’s face when he asked what was bothering them. They withheld the truth even though it hurt to keep something from him. And then in one impulsive moment Will reveals their secret in a way that couldn’t have been more hurtful or insulting to Jay if they tried.

All that angst was for naught.

Everything in her wanted to be with him, to hold him, to explain how it happened and how much regret was born out of that night.

Instead, he was all alone in an institutional facility thinking god knows what about her and Will.

Instead she sat at her desk pouring over documents trying to track down the monsters that tortured him.

Instead of healing together, they were suffering apart.

“Boss we have a hit on the partial plate,” Kevin yelled out pulling Hailey out of her daydream.

“You and Dante, hit it,” Voight said.

Hailey gave Hank a long stare.

“Alright Hailey you too,” he allowed. Hank knew how upside down her world was right now. They were all off kilter, but Hailey was completely out of orbit. The last thing she needed was time to sit and think.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Jay woke up sweating from a reoccurring dream.

He was naked in a room and all he could hear was laughter… Sasha’s laughter, Maxim’s, Vasyl’s, Artem’s, Will’s, Hailey’s, Hank’s, Adam’s, Kevin’s, Trudy’s, Dante’s, Pat Halstead’s…. they were all laughing at him. He tried to cover himself with his hands but that just made them laugh harder.

Diego yelled from across the room, ”Bro another nightmare? You keep waking me up.”

Jay was making some progress in physical therapy and was able to wipe the sweat from his brow.

“Sorry man,” he shot back.

All Jay wanted was to be left alone. Instead half the floor knew what happened and looked at him with sympathetic eyes. He knew they didn’t mean harm, but their pity was like a feather tickling his neck reminding him of what a fool he had been.

Hailey and Will had been so unspeakably kind and loving to him. It made him feel that all the pain and humiliation of his ordeal could be overcome. When his mind would go to dark places it was visions of them that saved him from falling down a blackhole. Now, without their shield of protection he felt raw vulnerability against the cruelty of memory.

Did he read it all wrong? Was their goodness towards him all an expression of their guilt? Was that love and care all a farce? Did he pine for his wife so desperately when she had already moved on? Was the fact that he was alive an inconvenience Will and Hailey had to adjust to because it would be wrong to move forward together like they wished?

What a fool. How pathetic he was to rely meaningfully on their attention and compassion.

Comprehending what it meant was bigger than him. It required emotional and logical thinking that his broken heart and body were not capable of in his current state.

So he stayed away. Shut them out.

The harshest result of his heartache was the lack of defense he had against pervasive memories of his captivity.

Now when a flash of his time with Sasha and his crew arose, he was defenseless to the cruelty it unleashed on his psyche. He no longer could disassociate to the warmth of Hailey, to Will, to his closest friendships with Intelligence.

He was left naked without armor to face the harshness of the onslaught.

This wasn’t Jay’s first rodeo with invasive thoughts. He only knew of one way to cope.

Whatever pain he felt was channeled into his physical recovery. It was the only modicum of control he had.

“Inch by inch, centimeter by centimeter, or millimeter by millimeter, either way you will get there,” Fred would remind him when the pain was so intense and the progress so slow. The mismatch could be disheartening, but he pressed on.

With his esophagus in better shape, he began speech therapy. He was encouraged to hum tunes to help lubricate his throat.

That memory of sound reared its head again. He’d hum the lullaby Adam and Will sang to him when he finally came out of his sedation, his father’s lullaby. He didn’t have any memory from waking up that day but the love they poured into him resonated through that melody in unexplainable ways.

His occupational therapist, Margot, was focused on getting his hand strength and dexterity back. Old school handwriting was one of the best ways to achieve that goal.

“I’d like you to find someone to write letters to,” she assigned. “A pen pal that can write back,” she added.

At first, he considered Mouse. Now with the United States military out of Afghanistan he was often on special ops around the world. Mailing handwritten letters wasn’t in the cards.

Margot helped him grip a pencil. It took the full 90-minute session to write the short note, but like a good soldier he achieved the mission assigned.

“Dear Mak,

How are ice skating lessons going? Can you spin yet? That was always hard for me.

I am laying on your pillowcase right now. It makes me happy every time I see it.

Love,

Uncle Jay

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

At this point Jay was down to two alien things left protruding from his body.

1. Feeding tube through his belly button
2. Calcium drip via IV in his chest – the experimental trial drug

So, when his nurse came in to find him in the throws of a nightmare, twisting in bed, with blood leaking through his shirt, she immediately knew what happened.

After failing to wake him with a few nudges and calling out his name, she called Dr. Goldin to come in. He asked Jay’s roommate still in the room to be taken to the common room allowing for some privacy.

Instead of trying to wake Jay, Dr. Goldin decided to observe and let Jay awaken on his own. The nurse had put gauze on the area where his feeding tube was ripped out. As long as it didn’t completely soak through with blood, Dr. Goldin had permission to work with him.

He took copious notes. This was a good moment to get a sense of where Jay was at. The breakthrough they had several weeks before opened the door for deeper conversations. Jay still didn’t reveal too many details, but he was talking. Dr. Goldin could work with that.

Jay was grinding his teeth intensely, mumbling incoherently. His arms tensed in fists and his head snapping back and forth, side to side.

After 15 minutes or so he finally awoke with a start. He was panting trying to steady his breathing.

“Hey, there, welcome back,” his psychologist greeted him.

Jay moved his eyes but not his head. As they settled on Dr. Goldin, he felt a wave of embarrassment.

“Not now,” Jay said eyes going back to the ceiling.

“Jay I am here to help you.”

Jay had just relived a horrible memory in his dream. He had not been fed in two weeks. His hunger pains were gnawing at his insides and the acid from his stomach had burned his throat harshly. He was watching his captors enjoy a big and boisterous meal. The smell of macaroni n’ cheese and fried chicken seemed to infiltrate his senses. Overpowering his ability to think clearly.

Vasyl came over with leftovers of chicken and gave it to the dogs. They happily tore into their feast.

Jay was sure this was another mind game and was resigned to missing yet another meal, when Vasyl left a bowl of the macaroni right by his face plastered on the ground.

Jay’s momentary excitement went as quickly as it came when he realized they had no intention of taking the leather muzzle off his face. He was left to stare and smell it, but not have any way of eating it.

Hours later Sasha came back to the warehouse to find Jay laying next to the cold food dish.

“How mean of them to taunt you with this food.”

He moved the dish over and undid the leather straps affixing the leather ball in Jay’s mouth.

“There, that’s better,” he smiled and patted Jay on his cheek.

Jay waited for him to walk away before leaping for the bowl of food, only to realize Sasha left it just out of reach.

The men roared in laughter watching Jay tug on his chains harshly trying to reach his sustenance.

After nearly choking himself from pulling so hard he gave up in defeat. Teeth grinding, stomach rumbling, mind disassociating to a better place.

After 30 minutes of sitting in silence Dr. Goldin went to buzz the nurses in to fix the feeding tube that Jay accidentally ripped out in the fit of his dream.

“Jay I’ll leave you be for now. You are bleeding heavily at this point.”

“But I’ll be back tomorrow, and the day after that, and the day after that. We are going to talk. You are going to shed this anchor around your neck.”

Before leaving he pulled up a quote onto the TV screen connected to Jay’s bay. On it was a poem that Jay would not be able to ignore.

“Rumi is my favorite,” he said as he walked out the door.

The screen read:

“The Water said to the dirty one, “Come here.” The dirty one said, “I am too ashamed.” The water replied, “How will your shame be washed away without me?”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kim’s car pulled up aside Hailey’s.

“Really you pinged my phone?” Hailey said as she rolled down her window.

“Didn’t take top notch detective work to deduce where you might be,” Kim shot back. “I’m coming in.”

Kim jumped into Hailey’s car. It was parked in the Spring Valley parking lot facing a certain room and window.

Hailey took a big bite of her sandwich.

“How often have you been coming here?” Kim asked.

Hailey looked a little embarrassed. “If I’m not at the district I come here for dinner. It beats eating alone.” She said in defense not fully appreciating how silly that sounded. Sitting solo in a car parking lot was precisely the definition of alone.

Hailey passed Kim half of her hoagie and they sat together until the lights in Jay’s room went out for the night.

----------------------------------------------------------------

“Yo, yo Halstead,” Fred cheerfully bounded in the room wearing a bathing suit and swim shirt.

He appreciated that Fred never asked how he was doing. They just got down to business on his physical therapy.

“Ummmm… you going for a swim?” Jay asked in bemused confusion.

“I believe the correct answer is WE are going for a swim.”

Fred and Bobby, one of the orderly’s Jay likes because he was quiet and doesn’t try to make small talk, spent the next 15 minutes getting Jay into a bathing suit. They strapped him to his wheelchair ensuring it was titled at no more than 45 degrees.

“Let’s roll,” Fred said with a nervous Jay at his mercy.

This was Jay’s first time at the Spring Valley pool. Fred and Bobby carefully secured him in straps attached to a hoist hanging over the pool.

Fred dove in dramatically and came up for air as he wiped the water back on his hair.

“Bobby let him rip,” he ordered.

Bobby pressed a button that gently lowered Jay into the water with hydraulic lifts.

When Jay hit the surface, he immediately fell forward unable to keep himself up.

“Ohhhhh easy there buddy. Gotta work on those core muscles don’t we?” Fred teased as he caught Jay and held him up.

“Welcome to buoyancy. Until we get the all clear on your bone scans you can’t sit up. But that doesn’t mean I am letting you off easy,” Fred started.

Jay was a little panicked. He felt like a kid that couldn’t swim. It was unnerving.

“Easy. Easy. I got you bud,” he let Jay lean into his chest until he caught his breath.

Jay’s head remained pressed into Fred’s chest. He was too disoriented to move.

“Hey, look at me!” Fred demanded as he gently lift Jay’s chin off his chest.

“Out there your muscle mass is zero. In here you are Tarzan. Watch me.”

Jay followed his lead and began to move his legs. For the first time in  months he moved his legs on his own.

A big goofy grin went across his face.

“Yeah. there you go brother,” Bobby called out.

“From now on in addition to regular PT you’ll be in the pool every other day. We will build up your core and other muscles so when you are given the green light, we can get you moving faster. Sound good? Fred asked.

“Yeah,” Jay smiled. “Yeah, it does.”

------------------------------------

Kevin, Dante, and Hailey arrived at the MED ER.

They were chasing down one of Sasha’s men when Kevin slipped on a low roof and slid off. The thud he made on the ground was sickening.

It was almost comical having Hailey and Dante hold him slung over each of their shoulders. He was double their size.

Will saw them out of the corner of his eye. An awkward sensation ran through him. Let’s just say he hadn’t spoken with anyone from Intelligence since that awful night on Jay’s birthday.

He was deeply ashamed for how he acted. His lack of impulse control may have cost him the only family he had left. It also heavily cost Hailey and all of Intelligence. The price of his selfishness was more than any of them could afford to pay.

He grabbed the IPAD and walked up to Kevin.

“I got you man,” as he lifted him off Hailey and helped him hop to an examination bay.

A nurse walked In as Will was examining him, “let’s get an Xray to see what’s going on.”

“We will wait for the test to confirm, but I can tell you right now you’ve broken your ankle. I’ll page the attending from orthopedics to take a second look. In the meantime let me give you something to dull the pain,” Will said as he filled a syringe and plunged it into his arm.

“Thanks man,” Kevin said in relief.

Will walked out and threw his gloves in the garbage. Dante wanted no part of this and slinked into the bay with Kevin.

Hailey looked up and shook her head. “Not now Will,” she said inpatiently.

He took her arm, “Hailey wait. Please.”

“Please?” she asked exasperated.

“You have every right to be angry. Every right to hate me. I messed up royally. I just wanted to say I am sorry,” Will said with a softness that for a split second reminded her of Jay.

“Will I have no doubt you are sorry. You want my forgiveness? Fine I forgive you,” Hailey said as flat as could be.

“None of that changes how much we hurt him. The one person that relied on us to help him deal with his impossible hurt, we hurt even more. That I cannot forgive. But it’s not you Will,  I can’t forgive myself.”

------------------------------------------------------

“Jay,” Matteo poked his head into the room. “Hey man we’ve been keeping everyone away, but Gail and Danny are here with some homemade soup for you. You ok if I accept the soup on your behalf?”

Jay felt bad. The Corsons had been checking up on him in the hospital and at Spring Valley. They had nothing to do with what went down. They had no clue. They were so kind and treated him like a son for over a decade. Jay had helped bring their son’s rapist and killer to justice and they formed a special bond in the wake of all that tragedy.

“It’s ok you can send them up,” Jay said. “ Yeah?” Matteo said trying to hide how happy he was that Jay would receive a guest. But he knew the Corsons held a special place in Jay’s heart separate from everything else.

Gail came into the room with a big smile.

She walked right up to the windows and opened the shades. “A little light goes a long way,” she said as she placed her famous chocolate chip cookies on each of Jay’s roommates’ food trays.

“Thanks Mrs. C,” Diego said. “How many times do I have to tell you to call me Gail?” she retorted like only a mother figure could.

“Here let me help you,” Matthew. “I hear you are going home soon?”

“Yes! As soon as the ramp up to our front door is fully installed I am out of here,” Matthew answered.

“That’s great sweetie.”

She turned her attention to Danny and Jay.

“So what if they are  only 1 lb. weights, Jay?” Danny said as Jay showed him how he was doing small bicep curls with tiny weights.

“Oh honey that’s such a great step,” Gail affirmed as she got the soup ready.

“I took a risk with mushroom barley, but I made sure to pulverize it, so no chunks. It’s really hearty. I’m going to get some meat on those bones of yours if it’s the last thing I do,” she said as she pulled the tray up to Jay.

Jay smiled for her. Something about the Corsons made him feel seen and loved like family without all the usual baggage that can bring.

He still wasn’t upright enough to feed himself, but he was much more stable than before, especially propped in the wheelchair.

“Alright be honest,” Gail said as she spooned a biteful into his mouth.

“Gail you have no idea how good this is. The liquid diet here isn’t exactly gourmet,” Jay assured her.

He had moved on from clear broth. Only able a few bites before he felt full, but monumental progress from where he began.

Matteo stuck his head in again. He had Jay right where he wanted him, in a place he couldn’t say no.

“You guys up for a walk outside?” he asked with a raised eyebrow.

They had wanted to try a few times before, but Chicago’s weather had other ideas. Today the sun shone with blazing light.

Once Jay finished his few bites of soup, Gail packed it up and gave the container to an orderly to put in the fridge. “Make sure he finishes this first before you start giving him the usual slop,” she instructed in her kind yet pushy way.

While that was happening Matteo was gearing Jay up with sunglasses, a throw blanket, and a baseball cap.

“Keep these on. Your eye hasn’t adjusted to sunlight in sometime,” Matteo said looking at Danny and Jay.

And with that Danny pushed Jay in his tilted chair through the hallway, down the elevator, and out the front door with Jay’s security detail trailing behind.

Even with the sunglasses the light felt overwhelming at first. Danny adjusted his hat down further.

After a few adjustments to the head rest they were off. They walked for miles. Danny would occasionally talk about how things were in the neighborhood, so much had changed yet so much remained the same. He gave Jay the full update on his daughter Allison, Jay’s former girlfriend. But mostly they just walked as they basked in the spectacular day and in the calmness of their shared company.

Gail was more of the talker. She stayed behind to organize Jay’s and the other patients’ room. She had brought flowers to help spruce things up.

The fresh air and comforting presence of Danny did wonders for Jay’s spirit. Little did he know but allowing Danny and Gail to care for him a little was medicine for their hearts as well. They missed Ben, their son, so desperately. While nothing could ever replace him, being with Jay reminded them of him so much. It was like they were closer to their son’s spirit.

After over an hour they arrived back to Spring Valley. Jay had fallen into a restful sleep. He looked unusually peaceful. His sleep was often marred with anxiety and nightmares. That day he was gifted with deep rest.

From that point forward every Sunday the Corsons came with food in hand, heart on sleeves, and love for Jay. He felt it. He appreciated it. Boy did he need it.

-----------------------------------------------

It was pouring rain. Matteo and Bobby held umbrellas over the transport gurney taking Jay to the ambulatory van headed to Med.

“See you tomorrow. Don’t give them too much of a hard time,” Matteo smirked as Jay was loaded into the van.

The swelling from his skull and orbital fractures had finally gone down enough for him to have a second eye surgery- this time to reattach his retina. If all went well this would be the last major surgery related to his injuries.

Also on the docket was a full body bone scan to assess the state of his fractures and his bone density. No one said it out loud but if things hadn’t improved significantly, Jay would be looking at a more permanent living situation at Spring Valley. He knew but pushed the possibility to the recesses of his mind. “Inch by inch,” Matteo’s words echoed in his head.

He had originally asked for the surgery to be done at Mercy. But his ophthalmologist was affiliated with Med and had provided previous care on his badly injured left eye. Switching providers would pose unnecessary hurdles.

Jay didn’t say it outloud, but he didn’t want Will snooping around his medical files or his room. He wasn’t ready to confront the emotional onslaught seeing him would bring

Pulling into the Med ambulatory bay was surreal. It is an entrance he had walked through a million times before. It was one he was wheeled in and out of a time or two as well.

He closed his eyes as they wheeled him through admissions. He heard a few,” Hi Jaya, and “looking good, Jaya,” but he wasn’t ready to be seen. This was his old world and most certainly his brother’s world and he wasn’t ready to be present in his realm.

Will stood to the side as Jay was brought through. Jay was loaded in with numerous straps and padding, so the small glimpse he saw wasn’t much. His heart ached for his brother. This distance was torture.

Dr. Rivers greeted Jay and went over all the pre-op details. He took it all in and begrudgingly watched a new IV inserted in his wrist. A good sign that his skin grafts had taken and healed nicely.

After going through all the risks Dr. Rivers said, “this should take about 90 minutes. I’d like to keep you overnight for observation. If all looks well with the scar tissue you can head back to Spring Valley tomorrow.”

Jay couldn’t decide if he was happy for the change in environment or uncomfortable to be away from the caretakers he had grown to rely on.

------------------------------------------------------

Dr. Marcel was reading a chart when Jay woke up from surgery.

“Jay good to see you awake,” he welcomed.

“We took the liberty of doing the bone scans while you were still under anesthesia. It can be a little claustrophobic in there.”

The timing was perfect. Jay was too out of it to be nervous. He was fashioning a white eye patch with gauze taped over it and fluttered his one good eye open.

“I won’t bury the lead. You are officially cleared for more strenuous positioning and weight bearing!”

Jay’s right eye probably doubled in size.

“Look at the difference between these two scans. That trial Will got you into really has worked wonders.”

Jay sat quietly. The guilt of pushing Will and Hailey away was always on his mind and right now it smacked him in the face.

“The fractures in your legs are still not 100% where they need to be but look at this improvement,” as he pointed to the scan from when he left the hospital.

Jay was in it now. He could not articulate the joy he felt in finally getting the green light to move, to really move. Coupled with that joy was this sadness of being alone in that room. Hailey and Will should have been with him to celebrate this hard-fought milestone.

Will had taken such good care of him, enabling this moment to emerge. Hailey had held his hand and pulled her heart from her chest so that he could reap the benefits of every beat it made. That all couldn’t have been a mirage… right?

That softness was met with the harsh reminder that they had slept together, possibly fallen for one another, and covered it all up…stripping Jay of his foundation and support.

Was there a tiny sliver of Jay that felt he deserved it? He was gone for so long, couldn’t fight his way home to them so it was logical that people would move on.

Could these conflicting feelings all be right? The contrast between his vacillating emotions created a whiplash effect on Jay.

The duality of life is a hard to juggle on a good day. These moments when two diametrically opposed feelings hold equal truths… they test your resolve and your sanity.

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With sitting restrictions lifted, Jay was gifted with newfound energy and motivation. Now that he could sit up at 90 degrees a whole world of independence opened up for him.

He started eating on his own. He was working on building enough strength to lift himself in and out of the wheelchair on his own- which meant soon getting dressed, going to the bathroom, brushing his teeth would all be possible without support.

He could lift up to 5 lb. weights now. His eyes were lasered on the goal of pushing himself in the wheelchair. Of all the things that drove him crazy it was being pushed around everywhere he needed to go that frustrated him the most.

His legs needed longer to strengthen. He accepted that limitation with grace.

Now he had real physical goals to achieve.

His inner Ranger was unlocked and Jay Halstead was all in.

The therapists and nurses were astounded by his tolerance for pain. They began calling him No Way Jay for the amount of times he said no way when they told him it was enough for the day.

All his pain, inner turmoil, heartache, confusion, and lonliness were channeled into the physical endeavor of regaining his strength. Maybe even regaining his sense of self.

When an invasive memory would emerge Jay would push it down and lean into the physical pain. The release was welcomed, encouraged, embraced.

When thoughts of Hailey or Will crept up, Jay would quickly find a therapeutic stretch or conditioning exercise to do ad naseum.

He even convinced Fred to move his pool sessions to 5 days a week as it was the best way to build core strength.

He was an obsessive. No matter how much his care team tried to reel him in to let his muscles rest, he continued to push himself beyond his limits.

Stopping meant thinking. Thinking met hurting. Hurting meant breaking. He wouldn’t break again.

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Hank was running harder than his 60+ legs could handle. They finally had a location on Sasha and his men.

Adam and Kim had been searching for the car they saw some of his men in weeks ago, and finally got a hit at an abandoned coffee plant.

When he cornered Sasha and raised his gun, the asshole started to laugh.

Adam caught up seconds later. Sheer anger had him bulldoze Sasha into the wall with enough ferocity to kill him.

Sasha’s laughter stopped as he crumpled to the ground. Adam rolled him over and gave a few ferocious blows to his head before cuffing him. Hank helped drag him to the car. Adam’s adrenaline began to wear off. He still harbored so much guilt and pain.

Vasyl was the only man that got away. 3 of 4 wasn’t too bad of a haul. Justice needed to be served. They’d find Vasyl in due time.

They put each man into a separate interrogation room.

Adam and Kim took Maxim … the man who befriended their daughter while she was golfing to blackmail Jay into surrendering himself.

Kevin and Dante took Artem. The man that filmed Jay’s kidnapping and torture.

Sasha.

Sasha was left for Hank and Hailey. What this man took from them was something words could not convey, and a prison sentence would not do justice.

It was 2 am, so processing took a few hours. Must have been a full moon or something as every drunk person in Chicago ended up in central booking that night.

Hank and Hailey stood in the room staring down the man they each wanted to rip to shreds. He deserved to feel what he dished out to Jay and to so many others.

Hailey held the bag of his personal belongings. Debating whether to take out a hard object and just go ahead and break that man’s smug face.

“Before you say anything there is something you should know,” Sasha said.

“Yeah, and what is that?” Hank asked in disgust. Why was he even humoring this man?

“Pull out my cell phone,” he suggested.

“Why the hell should we do that?” Hailey spat.

“There is something you’d be interested in seeing.”

Against her better judgment, Hailey pulled it out.

“050617,” Sasha said. Hailey punched in the code.

Up on the screen a picture loaded. Hank saw the color drain from her face as the phone dropped to the ground.

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Matteo rubbed his eyes and answered the phone.

“Hank?” he asked as he read the caller ID.

“Matteo are you at Spring Valley?” Hank barked.

“No, my shift starts at 7, Why? What’s wrong?”

“Who the fuck is on security? They got to Jay. It’ll take us 15 minutes to get there. They got to Jay,” he screamed.

=------------------------------------------------------

When they arrived Trudy was already there with other officers. She had to protect the officer that was on duty from Hank’s wrath.

“Hank he was dressed as a nurse. He got by the protective detail,” she filled in before he could start demanding answers.

“Fire cut the shackles off. The doctors are in there now checking him out,” she said trying to calm them and herself.

The photo on Sasha’s phone was Jay in his Spring Valley bed chained and gagged like he was in the crate that was delivered to the 21^st.

Will came bounding in. He was also listed as next of kin and received a call that Jay had been attacked.

“Will they are checking him out, but I think he is ok,” Trudy assured before he could open his mouth.

Will stopped running and took a breath of relief.

“Can we see for ourselves? I don’t want to encroach on him, but he has to know we care. And fuck it we have to see with our own eyes that he is ok,” Will pleaded.

Matteo wasn’t on duty. He was really Jay’s enforcer. Nobody got through him. But it was the middle of the night and the skeleton crew didn’t see the harm of letting his family check in.

“It’s the middle of the night. We’ve got other patients. You’ve got 5 minutes,” the head nurse on duty allowed.

Hailey, Hank, Will, and Trudy walked in. Officers were bagging the shackles and gag the fire department had removed from Jay minutes before.

“We have the guy on video,” one of the officers told Hank and Trudy.

“Give it to my team. We are handling the case,” Hank ordered.

Behind the sea of officers Jay lay on his side.  A doctor from the facility was getting up, throwing his gloves in the garbage by the side of the bed.

It had been 2.5 months since they last saw each other. Just the fact he was on his side was such a departure from before. He really had made some progress.

Jay’s back was toward them. He had just finished being examined.

“Are you the lead on this case?” the doctor asked Hank.

“Yes, is he ok?”

“The tight shackles caused some bruising but aside from being shaken up, he will be ok. Given his weakened bone condition I’ll have him X-Ray’d in the morning to make sure no hairline fractures resulted.”

“Thanks,” Hank said patting him on the back.

Jay lay with his eyes closed, hoping the room would just swallow him whole.

Earlier that night he had been asleep when a nurse came in wearing a KN 95 mask as all the nurses have been for a while now. It wasn’t hard to slip by the protective detail at Jay’s door.

The nurse came in and put a paralytic in Jay’s IV.

Jay sensed his presence but having routine checks at night was typical.

Something in him felt a tension in the air.

By the time he sensed something was wrong it was too late. He couldn’t move or talk. His eyes were open, but he couldn’t control anything.

That’s when the nurse pulled his mask off and revealed himself. It was Artem. He gave Jay a big smile, “missed you little pig.”

He began to put the shackles on Jay’s neck, arms, and legs. He then connected them together pulling his legs and arms tightly behind his back. It was a cruel reminder of how he lived all those months in their hands. A leather muzzle similar to the one they used on him was affixed in his mouth and strapped to his head.

“Smile for the camera,” he whispered as he snapped a few photos to send to Sasha. “Good boy,” were his parting words.

It took about an hour for the paralytic to wear off, but even then, Jay’s restraints inhibited him from calling for help. He lay like that for 2 hours before Hank called Matteo and they sent staff charging into his room.

Hank and Trudy got what they needed. Jay was shaken, traumatized but not seriously injured.

They left Will and Hailey standing at the foot of his bed.

Jay knew they were there. He hadn’t opened his eyes, but he knew.

“I am ok,” he choked out acknowledging that even despite what happened they had a right to check-in. He was desperate not to reveal what he just went through. He couldn’t handle their sympathy.

His eyes still closed with his back safely turned toward them he continued, “Please understand I am not trying to hurt either of you. I just can’t… I can’t deal with my recovery and deal with this. I’m sorry,” he said now struggling to keep his tone and emotions in check.

Yes, they hurt him in ways he hadn’t fully grappled with yet. He couldn’t while fighting the demons from Sasha and his men. He couldn’t while fighting for every shred of his independence to return.

But his love for them ran so deep he felt some shared responsibility for this mess.

“Jay you have nothing to be sorry for,” Will began. “You have to understand this wasn’t some torrid affair. We thought we had just buried you and were distraught beyond our own comprehension. It was a drunken mistake.”

Jay’s breathing picked up. As Will spoke a visual of them entered his mind.

“Jay it was one time. We were wasted, desperate for you, and we went looking for connection with you in all the wrong places. The next morning we both regretted it immediately. We love you so much and will regret that stupid decision for the rest of our lives.”

Will’s words hung in the air heavily. Jay wanted to believe him, wanted to absorb their sorrow and let his own go. But doing so required energy and grace he did not have right now.

Instead, ever the glutton for punishment, he attached his mind to the visual of Hailey and Will together. That was the only disassociation his mind was able to conjure. A negative focus is better than focusing on what just happened.

“Where?” Jay asked.

“Wh—what?” Hailey asked.

“Where did it happen?”

“Jay what does it matter?” Will tried to move the conversation away.

“Where?” Jay said firmly.

“In our bed,” Hailey whispered.

She knew that detail would sting but she wouldn’t lie anymore. They had always joked that their bed was their special place. That if they were on a stranded island together and could only bring one thing it would be that.

A sad silence filled the air. Hailey saw Boris was up trying not to make it obvious he was eavesdropping.

Within that silence was an ocean of emotion nearly suffocating the room. They all wanted to reach for the other.

Jay was embarrassed how profoundly he wanted Hailey to hold him. He was devastated by what just transpired. Being locked in that position again was a mind fuck he was not prepared to experience. He was desperate to be cloaked in her love. Desperate to have Will hovering over him, annoying him, showing his love. Desperate to feel safe with them again.

Wanting something, and having it come to be are two different things.

“Thank you for coming. You should go, its late,” Jay said ready for this horrible night to be over.

Hailey didn’t want to overstep but she couldn’t just leave without saying, ”I love you,” with the quiet intensity Jay understood without effort. She fought every instinct in her telling to climb into that bed and hold him. She settled for rubbing his foot.

Her heart hurt when he flinched at her light touch.

“Love you, brother, always,” Will said as they somberly walked out.

When he was sure they were gone he let out a sob and cried himself to sleep.

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Back at the precinct, Sasha played hard ball. He wanted back in the heroin game and needed Hank to stay off his back. And he sure as hell wasn’t going to jail for what he did to Jay. It was an eye for an eye. Debt was settled.

“You let me and my men go, let us do what we have to do with our work, and we leave your boy alone,” Sasha offered.

He had a vast network of Russian mob ties. No matter what they could get to Jay.

Hailey was beside herself. They had him. At least some justice could be served. They went after Jay that night to send a simple and direct message – you mess with us, we will kill Jay.

Hank came nose to nose with Sasha, steam pouring out of his eyes and ears. He failed Jay so miserably he wouldn’t do it again. He wrapped his hands around Sasha’s throat…the desire for murder radiating through him.

“Anything happens to me or my men we go after him and that little girl,” Sasha spoke clearly. Hank squeezed for another few seconds before letting go.

Sasha may have won this battle, but Hank would do whatever it took to win the war. Patience was needed in this moment, and it took everything in him to exercise that virtue.

Intelligence stood in order as Sasha and his men were released. The silence was deafening. Kim held Adam’s hand with a death grip to remind him they were doing this to protect Makayla and Jay.

Hailey went to her desk to find some sort of distraction. It was now 5 AM- exhaustion rippled through her.

“You know he is still in there,” Kim said as Hailey’s eyes remained on her desk.

“He doesn’t want anything to do with me,” Hailey acknowledged with sadness and some acceptance.

“He and Makayla have been pen-pals, I think she has a stack of 20 plus letters form him on her desk.”

Hailey looked up in surprise. “Really?”

“Yeah, it’s pretty sweet,” Kim said with an empathetic smile. “I think they have found a way to bond through their PTSD.”

“Trust me Hailey that your Jay is in there. He’s just so lost right now. What you guys have been through… well its some bullshit what the universe doled out to you. Don’t give up on him,” Kim said cupping her hand on Hailey’s shoulder.

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Jay felt he had broken into infinite fractured pieces. He couldn’t recognize himself.

Only in physical therapy could he channel some of those fragments into action and fight through the challenge before him. In truth he liked the pain. After all didn’t he deserve it after breaking so easily?

He was too weak to save himself. He had to be shipped off like a farm animal to the amusement of his captors. He created a situation where the people closest to him slept together in his marital bed. And then again Artem just waltzed in and reminded  Jay that they would always have the upper hand on him.

54 minutes into their one-hour session Dr Goldin was growing restless. Jay had shut down again. After the attack by Sasha’s crew he knew his patient must be reeling.

“I cried,” Jay said with minutes to go before the session ended.

“You cried?” Dr. Goldin pressed.

“Not the first time Sasha raped me. But the night they all took their turns. I broke my vow, I let them break me. I cried,” Jay said in an unemotional tone. “I’ve been lying to myself this whole time that I fought through it.”

“Jay, I have read your file, seen the video.”

The thought of that video made Jay wince. He wished no one could see it. Those moments were burned in his mind, they weren’t for anyone else’s consumption.

“No one could withstand what they did to you without a release. Crying isn’t weakness it is a natural response to an emotional experience.”

“The man I was wouldn’t have broken. I’ve withstood beatdowns and frightening situations. I could be relied on. Now look at me,” Jay said looking away from his doctor’s eyes.

“Hailey and Will think I am mad at them,” he said with a pain filled confession.

“ Yes, initially I was. I was hurt and stunned that it happened. Really hurt that they felt they couldn’t tell me. But understanding how it transpired... it still stings but the logical side of me understands.”

“And the emotional side of you?” Dr. Goldin pressed gently. Happy to let the session run over the allotted time.

“Well of course they kept it from me. Look at what I have become? I am not the man she married. I am not the brother Will could rely on. I broke my vow to them.”

“You are harboring deep shame for circumstances that were inflicted on you. You have worked with many assault victims as a detective and as a soldier, would you look down on them struggling to build back their confidence?”

Jay sat with that for a little while. The answer of course was no. There was more to it for him.

“I..I can barely touch her without going back there,” Jay said in a barely audible whisper.

“I can’t be in a room with Will and my friends without their laughter echoing in my head, taking me back to the warehouse and hearing them laughing at me,” Jay continued.

Dr. Goldin didn’t say a word. Jay was opening up. Right now that was all that mattered.

“I know this distance hurts them too. I ache for their presence, I miss them. But with time we will all move on and they will not have me as an anchor weighing them down.”

“Jay these feelings are fair, you are only human. Trauma triggers are common and can be overcome. Trauma and anxiety can be the worst liars. Just because you feel like an anchor, doesn’t make it true.”

Jay shook his head in disagreement. “I can’t be with them because their love and affection triggers all the ways I am broken.”

“Have you talked to them about how you feel? Let them have a say in all this?” Dr. Goldin asked gently.

“Tell my wife that when she touches me the pleasure and joy are overrun by shame and disgust? No sorry, haven’t gotten around to that.”

It’s hard to explain… but I feel naked.”

“Naked? How so?”

“I used Will and Hailey as a crutch. I buried my head in their affection because looking in the mirror would reveal what I have become.”

He took a deep breath finally understanding his feelings. He didn’t deserve them. The real him couldn’t carry their love because he was broken in irrevocable ways. Facing their affair was another brick he was too weak to carry.

“I’m not saying I deserve what happened to me. But their affair and my solitude are the inevitable justice I have been dealt for breaking so completely. If I was stronger, I would made it home before…”

“It’s easier for everyone this way. They may not see it now, but it’s for the best.”

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“Jay this is too much, pull back,” Fred begged as Jay’s arms shook wildly.

Jay didn’t hear him he was locked into the pain, focused on the goal. Matthew, his roommate, had gone home the day before serving as a reminder that long term care doesn’t have to be forever.

The more he hurt inside the more he pushed things on the outside.

Fred stood over his wheelchair as Jay was trying to lift himself up and over to the chair next to him.

“Jay you are close, don’t push it you can tear your ligaments again,” Fred begged.

He saw Fred eye Bobby to help him hold Jay down. That was the last burst of inspiration he needed.

Before they even knew what happened he hoisted himself onto the chair next to him. He would have fallen onto the floor after impact if Fred and Bobby didn’t steady his wobbly body.

The biggest grin they’d ever seen from Jay flashed across his face.

Fred couldn’t help but smile back. “No Way Jay strikes again.”

--------------------

Jay was writing a letter to Makayla when his social worker came and stood at the foot of his bed. His dexterity and hand strength had pretty much returned. But he found comfort in connecting with her and continued pen-paling after his occupational therapy moved on.

Lydia had met with Jay when he first was admitted to Spring Valley and would check in periodically.

“Jay, your doctors are very pleased with your progress. We want to start talking about what comes next,” she said nonchalantly as if she didn’t just drop the most exciting news possible in his lap.

“Are you saying I can get out of here?” Jay asked like a little boy that was told he can stay up extra late.

“Well not exactly. We are looking at least a few more weeks of progression, but in order to find you proper accommodation we need to start looking now. I know it’s been sometime since you’ve been home, do you still have an apartment to return to? Someone to help with your care?” she asked.

Matteo had filled her in on his estrangement from friends and family. He was hoping a chance to go home would push Jay to fix things with Hailey and/or Will. Matteo and Jay had formed a special bond, he genuinely cared about Jay and saw how much he was suffering without his people.

“Umm, no. I don’t have a home or someone to care for me. But I don’t need that. I can take care of myself,” Jay said as he realized that was not precisely accurate

Lydia dropped her pad. “Jay you have made great strides but if you want to be released at the earliest possible date, you’ll need someone willing to support your transition. Otherwise you will remain here until you have reached full independence.”

Jay looked down at his letter. He knew he could ask anyone from Intelligence, and they’d take him in. Hell he could ask Hank. The Corsons would take him in without hesitation.

Part of his stubbornness and part of his own brand of healing was proving to himself he could do it without them. Besides, facing his people meant facing his pain, which was not something he was eager to do.

“There is always the VA,” she offered. Jay’s eyes perked up. “There are supportive housing programs mostly for Vets experiencing homelessness, but they also house Vets that are disabled and need minimal nursing care.”

“I’ll do it,” Jay said without hesitation.

“Are you sure? These are not the most glamorous accommodations we are talking about. And it’s best to be with family that can support your transition back to the chaotic world. It will be different juggling day to day in a wheelchair.”

Jay took a moment to consider the reality before him. He looked up with assured eyes.

“Ok I’ll look into it. The waiting lists can be long. Let me make a few calls.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------

“3-2-1 go!” Bobby called out.

Fred jumped into a wheelchair so he and Jay could race down the hallway.

Jay had finally regained enough power to push himself in his chair. Now they were working to ensure he was strong enough to push himself around the streets of Chicago.

Jay beat out Fred by less than a foot nearly crashing into Matteo coming down the hall in the process.

“Woooow, take it easy speed racer,” Matteo joked as he picked up the files he dropped dodging the chairs.

“Big day tomorrow. Let’s try to avoid breaking anything in the interim, shall we?” he affectionately pointed out.

“You know you are going to miss me. You don’t have to beat around the bush about it,” Jay said flashing a grin.

“You’ll be gracing us with your presence Monday – Friday for day treatment, brother. Not gonna miss you that much,” Matteo said with a smile. Jay would be in for physical and psychological therapy, but he no longer would be in Matteo’s unit, under his care. Truth was he’d miss him a lot. They both would.

It had been 4.5 months at Spring Valley. Jay had defied every expectation.  First be just living. Then by battling through the bone shattering pain to regain so much of his physicality back. His legs were the last to get the memo, but Jay assured everyone they wouldn’t be too far behind.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

“Alright remember as long as you do not dip back under 150 lbs. this sucker stays out,” Matteo said putting some gauze over the blood removing the feeding tube left behind.

“Steak for dinner every night,” Jay joked.

“Just not more than 4….” Matteo began.

“Ounces at a time, yeah I know,” Jay finished.

Matteo and Fred helped Jay into his wheelchair. Not that he really needed the assistance anymore.

“if those guys aren’t given you the support you need, you let us know,” Matteo insisted.

It was a mix of emotions. It had been 4.5 months at Spring Valley but 10 months since his abduction. Jay had gone outside for walks with the Corsons and with Fred during physical therapy. He even went on a “field trip” to a grocery store to practice maneuvering in a wheelchair in a real- life experience.

For the entirety of the 10 months Jay had one focus -- make it home.

What was home? The concept felt like an intangible, fictitious place. Where he was going certainly wasn’t home, but the studio apartment in a Veteran’s supportive housing program was as close as he was going to get.

He didn’t want to get too choked up, but he felt like he owed it to these men to look them in the eye. Without them he’d still be in that bed. Without them he wouldn’t have found his footing after the fallout of Will and Hailey. They gave him so much, and he had nothing to offer in return.

“Thank you,” he said extending a hand to each of them. Oh man now the emotion was storming ahead without restraint.

Jay held their hands, struggling to keep himself together.

Matteo wiped away his own tears. “Ok I have a reputation to protect around here,” he smiled as he went in for a hug.

“Access- a-ride is here,” Bobby said poking his head into the room.

“Your chariot awaits brother,’ Fred said as he pulled back to let Jay wheel himself out.

As he pushed out of the room toward the elevator bank, he saw the halls were lined with all the people that brought him to this point- nurses, doctors, orderlys, maintenance staff, patients, volunteers. It really did take a village and he was overcome with gratitude for them all. They all clapped and cheered as he made his way through. He knew what it took to fight through his injuries and psychological state and he simply would not have been able to do it alone.

In the absence of the love and affection he desperately yearned for from his family and friends, he accepted what was given to him so freely from strangers.

A wave of sadness passed through him as the sliding doors opened to the outside. It was a crisp fall day, the trees danced ablaze in autumnal color.

Damn he was really doing this without Hailey, Will, Intelligence. All that effort and hee wasn’t going home.

But he had earned his independence that meant a lot to him.

The bus driver came to help Jay onto the wheelchair lift. It was a cumbersome process, one he would have to get used to.

The lift began to raise off the ground and Jay gave a small wave to Matteo and Fred.

That feeling of nakedness passed over him. Whatever the world had in store from him, he’d have to confront it without the protection of the people he loved and who loved him.

Giddy up!

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Text

Hank slowly opened the top of his coffee cup careful not to spill any. The steam billowed up onto his face warming him instantly.

He was sitting in his SUV waiting for the 8:07 AM bus to come.

A few minutes before its scheduled arrival, he sees his person of interest.

Jay is wheeling himself around the corner and toward the bus stop. It’s a struggle as the stop is on a hill. Hank watches as Jay focuses and with all his might pushes the wheels up against the punishing slope. It’s a harder feat than it looks, but Hank knows Jay won’t quit and will find a way.

Hank slipped, Gideon, the Program Director in Jay’s housing program a few thousand dollars in exchange for updates on his detective’s schedule, progress, and setbacks. Gideon was wary about it but saw Hank genuinely cared, and agreed to participate if Hank didn’t ask too many probing questions. A mutually beneficial alliance was formed.

That is how Hank spent every morning of the past week watching his boy settle into his new routine. It is how he intended to spend every early morning for a while.

When the bus arrives Jay waits by the second door that includes a wheelchair lift. The lift is lowered, Jay rolls on, the driver comes out to ensure he is secure, and within a minute Jay disappears onto the public bus.

Hank followed along the 1.8-mile drive to the long-term care facility where Jay would be receiving outpatient physical, ophthalmological, and psychological services. He waited until he saw Jay roll safely into the building before heading to the 21^st for work.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

The whole team was busy at their desks when he arrived.

Hailey looked up and Hank nodded at her. She knew what he was up to. Hank promised to keep her updated every day.

Jay had refused protective detail once he was released. They had failed to protect him once, and he had no interest in babysitters following him around now that he was free of institutional life.

Hank told the brass Intelligence would not be taking new cases for the foreseeable future. They had one goal – find a way to nail Sasha and his crew without endangering Makayla or Jay. They needed leverage and they were going to find it. Nothing else mattered.

-----------------------------------------------

Jay’s studio apartment was “cozy” as they say in real estate speak, 300 square feet of cozy. It was wheelchair accessible on the ground floor with wide doors and a shower stall he could wheel right into. The stove and sinks were lower so he could reach everything more easily. Handrails by the toilet and his bed were present to help him lift himself as needed.

The white walls and grey bedding left a colorless palette. But Gail Corson promised to bring some new bedding to spruce up the place.

Gail and Danny came by on his second night at home with a tray of homemade lasagna, the note on top read, “30 minutes in the oven at 325. Eat more than one serving!!”

The apartment wasn’t much. Most people would scoff at its basic and tiny nature. For Jay it was everything.

He had spent 10 months living by other people’s terms, schedules, agendas. His captors took away all his agency. His care providers were constantly checking, touching, poking, injecting, cleaning.

Finally, he was in control and could take care of himself. He could be alone.

Jay was now living in a Veteran’s supportive housing program that housed 24 Veterans with various challenges that required social work, addiction, or nursing support. Each Vet had their own studio apartment.

In Jay’s case he was mostly self-sufficient but couldn’t fully live independently yet. He needed help with administering his calcium treatments. His strength was remarkable considering where he came from, but he still needed some assistance with certain tasks. This place gave him all the independence he craved with the small supports he still needed.

Many of the men were Vets with mental health challenges or recovering addicts.

There were 3 disabled Vietnam vets, and one 1 disabled Vet from the Iraq war. Jay didn’t love that there was still some institutional element to his accommodations, but he had his own place, so he focused on that fact.

=----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The transition to life on his own didn’t go exactly how he thought it would.

For starters moving around in the real world while confined to a wheelchair was not easy. Even for a tough survivor like Jay. Obstacles presented themselves at every turn. Reaching in his cabinets wasn’t possible, bending over to pick something off the floor was tricky, moving around the city was nearly impossible. Jay leaned into the nearly. No matter how hard it was he pushed through. He’d find creative ways to go around curbs without a good wheelchair accessible lip, he’d battle through narrow aisles in stores, he’d work hard to make eye contact with people much higher than him when he needed their attention. His upper strength increased with every push he made. Every day was a battle, and he fought through it like the warrior that he was.

As challenging as the physical realities were, the hardest part was his separation from the people he loved. He yearned for them in ways that cut him to the bone. Something profound was missing. Something vital to his foundational core.

The weekends were the worst. During the week he had a routine, a schedule, hours to focus on therapies, appointments, and phsycial exertion. The weekend was nothing but empty time aside from the Corsons on Sunday afternoons.

He did everything his therapists and doctors asked. He set goals and worked like hell to achieve them. He poured everything he had into his recovery.

Yet, every time he let his heart wonder into the possibility of reuniting with his people, his traumatized mind brought him back down to earth.

Facing them would mean triggering all the grief and terror he worked tirelessly to suppress. He couldn’t break again.

-------------------------------------------------

Jay’s therapy changed a bit as an out-patient. He still had 1-1 pool time, but his gym therapy was in a group with Fred and another physical therapist, Maya

His group was a motley crew. In addition to Jay there was Rafe and Esther all recovering from orthopedic injuries.

Rafe was a 23-year-old that got hit by a car while cycling. He broke both legs in the accident. His casts were off, and he was up on crutches. But not fully back yet.

Esther was a 94-year-old that had fallen at home and broken her hip.

Jay understood why Rafe was in his PT group. But a 94-year-old lady with a bad hip?

“We are short staffed across the board. Making the most of what we’ve got,” Fred said intentionally ignoring Jay’s detective antenna rising up.

Jay was laying on a mat next to Rafe. They were both doing leg lifts. Rafe was way ahead of Jay in his recovery, but the competition was good. Jay always thrived when he had a bar to hit or someone to beat.

Esther was back in her wheelchair after Maya had worked with her on stretches.

“Darling I appreciate you trying but I am too old for exercise. I prefer sitting, eating, schmoozing,” she mused in her thick accent—Jay couldn’t fully place it.

“Esti don’t be so lazy. I am getting your walker now. A few reps before the session ends,” Maya said as she reached for Jay’s hand to pull him into a seated position.

“That was great Jay. Three full sets of 50,” Maya smiled at him for a few seconds longer than one would expect.

She walked off to get Esther’s walker and Jay’s wheelchair.

“So tell my are you blind or do you have someone at home?” Esther asked Jay in a straightforward manner as if meddling in his business was the most natural thing in the world.

Jay looked at her with a little smile not really sure how to answer.

“A beautiful woman flirts and you do not even notice?”

Continued silence from the man in question.

“You like boys then?” she followed up.

“Uh, no its not that…” Jay shyly said.

“Tell me about her,” Esther pressed.

“I want to know about the woman that holds the heart of such an adorable boy.”

“Ready?” Maya interrupted the one-sided discussion.

“Saved by the bell,” Jay thought.

----------------------------------------

Will sat at the bar twirling the little straw in his cocktail. He had just spent some time yucking it up with the bar tender, Marco.

“Jay is it?”  Marco had said. “No its Will, Pat’s other son,” Will smirked. Marco always mixed them up.

Marco was over 80 years old and used to serve his Dad Martinis for years. Jay and Will would come every year for their Dad’s birthday to keep the tradition going. Today was a continuation of that tradition.

“Oh yeah, your brother came in a little while ago, the one with the freckles,” the bartender mused.

“He hurt himself? I saw him rolling around, but he wasn’t much of a conversationalist today. He just wanted me to fix him the usual Halstead martini.”

“Uh yeah, he was in an accident but doing much better now,” Will said unsure how much to reveal.

“That kid always had a twinkle in his eye. Not today. Just drank his martini. We toasted your father, and he was on his way.”

Will was good at compartmentalizing. This separation from his brother broke his heart. But there was nothing he could do. He was burying himself in work. Overtime and diving deep into patient’s care were the perfect diversion from the piece of him that was missing.

They had come to this restaurant for years to celebrate their father’s birthday. Hailey had joined them the last few years. A part of him was glad that Jay remembered.

He sat and drank his martini and shared a toast to his father with Marco.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay was having a hell of a time getting his wheelchair to the seating area. The maintenance crew at the ice rink had piled stacks of folding chairs on the wheelchair accessible ramp. Trying to keep  his chair from rolling backwards with one arm while attempting to move chairs out of the way with the other was frustratingly difficult.

“Easy there, brother,” a familiar voice sounded from behind.

Kevin took hold of Jay’s wheelchair and moved the stacked chairs over with his foot. He pushed Jay up the ramp and let go at the top to allow Jay to have minimal loss of autonomy.

“Thanks, man,” Jay said, doing his very best to make eye contact.

The last time they saw one another was months ago on that terrible evening when the truth was revealed.

Jay had asked for distance, and as much as it pained everyone, they gave him the space he requested.

“I’m going to have a word with the staff here about blocking the accessibility ramp,” Kevin promised.

“Yeah, I never appreciated how hard it is to get around in one of these,” Jay said waving his hand over the wheelchair.

“Makayla asked that I come to her competition. She’s hard to say no to,” Jay confessed.

“Don’t I know it,” Kevin responded with a smile.

“I think I’m perched over there,” Jay said looking toward the wheelchair seating area.  “You better get a seat closer to the rink, or Mak will have some words,” he smiled in a kind way to give Kevin a chance to break free of their conversation.

Kevin wasn’t sure how to proceed. He was welling up with emotion seeing Jay. Between his abduction, his harrowing recovery, and now this new distance between them, Kevin’s heart was struggling to process it all.

Did Jay want to be left alone right now? Should he try to push for them to sit together?

He settled for somewhere in the middle.

“I’m going to go down and say hi to the nervous parents. I’ll swing back up here soon.”

Jay rolled to the painted space for him to park his ride. He locked his breaks and got settled. The skaters were warming up for the short program. He noticed Makalya immediately. She told him all about her teal costume and sparkly skirt.

Towards the end of his stay at Spring Valley he finally had the dexterity to get a cell phone and manipulate the keypad. Their handwritten letters morphed into daily texting.

Makalya would tell him about her day and occasionally talk about her anxiety or sadness around her abduction and Jay’s.

In many ways Jay was more open and honest with her than even his own therapist at that point. He always kept it simple but if had a tough day he’d tell her.  Knowing that Kim and/or Adam likely were seeing his messages was not a deterrent.

Makayla and Jay had developed this connection and understanding with one another that they each cherished. It wasn’t explainable to anyone else. Kim and Adam couldn’t fully understand, but they saw it in their daughter, the comfort she found in connecting with their brother. It was a priceless gift.

Kim saw Makayla beam and wave at the arena seating. She followed her daughter’s gaze and was shocked to find Jay sitting off by himself in the handicapped section.

Kim elbowed Adam as Kevin approached them.

“Hey, she’s looking good, nice and loose,” Kevin said as he hugged Kim. He saw his friend looking off into the stands.

“Only our girl has the magic to make that happen,” Kevin said looking over at Jay.

“Should I text Hailey?” Kim asked.

“Let’s not make this an ambush,” Adam suggested.

“The fact he came is huge. He’s finding his way home. Its got to be at his pace.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After the short program, Makayla was in third place out of 11 competitors.

Jay was getting uncomfortable. He wasn’t supposed to sit in one position for so long, but there was no way he was leaving yet.

A bag of popcorn appeared from over his head and Jay hesitated to take it.

“Come on, you always had a salty tooth,” Kevin said. He pulled up a folding chair and sat next to Jay.

Jay gave a soft smile and took the bag. “Thanks Kev.”

“How about our girl?” Kevin smirked.

“Ice in her veins. She killed it in the short,” Jay smiled genuinely.

Kevin didn’t want to show how much that tiny connection they just shared meant to him. So smiled back and tried not to let his emotions reveal themselves.

They sat together through long program warmups. Makayla was scheduled to go third to last because she was in third place. By the time she came out it had been nearly 5 hours, not including the hour Jay spent waiting and riding the bus to get to the arena.

Kevin noticed Jay’s increased shifting and wincing.

“You alright brother?’ Kevin asked, trying to hide his concern.

“I’m fine. Just over my 3-hour sitting limit and feeling it a little,” Jay revealed nonchalantly, trying to downplay his discomfort.

They sat uneasily through Makayla’s performance. She faltered once but nailed everything else.

When she was done, she hugged Adam and Kim and looked up at Jay and Kevin with a huge grin.

Jay reached under his chair to the small basket attached.

“I have to get home to relieve my hips. Would you please give these to Mak for me and tell her what a bad-ass she is?” Jay asked as he handed a few daises to Kevin.

“Yeah, of course,” Kevin said as he saw his friend shakily unlocking the breaks.

“You need a lift home?” Kevin asked.

“Nah thanks man. Stay to watch the end. Let me know how it goes,” Jay said as he turned the chair around toward the ramp.

Kevin watched him wheel off. Shocked that Jay invited him to contact him later.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Getting home was an adventure.

Jay had to wait 30 minutes for the bus with his bones aching.

He was anxious to get home and was a little too aggressive on the hill by the bus stop near his apartment complex. He accidentally rolled right into the street into oncoming traffic.

Luckily his swerve and the swerve of a car spared him from getting hit.

When he got home, he felt depleted. Peering into his mostly empty fridge, he opted for the last slice of Gail Corson’s eggplant parmesan tray.

When he reached for the Tupperware his elbow slipped trying to hold the fridge open. The eggplant splattered all over his lap and onto the floor.

“Shit,” he muttered.

He tried to clean the mess. He wiped off his pants and shirt as best he could, and then he reached down to clean the floor.

The awkward leaning made him a bit top heavy. He gave an extra effort to reach the sauce and ended up tumbling onto the floor.

After a failed attempt to pull himself, he begrudgingly fumbled around his wrist until he found the medical alert bracelet and pressed hard.

--------------------------------------------------------

“It’s tomato sauce, not blood,” Jay assured as the nurse and porter in the building came rushing in.

They gently helped him sit up against the cabinets and thoroughly checked him for injuries.

The nurse reached for his phone.

“What are you doing?” Jay asked holding the peas to his forehead.

“Calling an ambulance. Your chart says any hard knocks or falls you have to be checked out.”

“NO,” Jay yelped grabbing the nurse’s hand.

Jay realized he was being a little intense.

Please, I am fine, it was just a small tumble,” Jay asked more softly.

“Look Jay I hear you, but I could be fired for not following protocol,” he said as his finger hit 911.

About ten minutes later Sylvie and Violet arrived.

Jay was sitting on the floor leaning against the kitchen cabinet.

“Hey Jay,” Sylvie said as she bent down to check on her patient.

Violet smiled and stayed back not wanting to crowd.

“Hey Sylvie,” Jay sheepishly said opening his eyes.

“You took a little tumble??” Sylvie said in her calming voice.

“Yeah, I was stupid and reached further than I should have,” Jay conceded.

“Looking at your med alert chart…” Violet started.

“It would be safest to bring you in,” she continued. “Until your bone density is in optimal range, even small knocks or falls can cause fractures.”

“I am ok. The only thing bruised is my ego,” Jay said assuredly.

Sylvie looked up with disapproving big green eyes.

“Ok I promise if anything so much as tingles I will get it checked out,” Jay pled.

Sylvie and Violet shared a look.

“Jay we can all get in trouble if you don’t.” Sylvie said bending to her patient’s plea.

“Scout’s honor,” Jay smiled.

----------------------------------

The lights were dim. Dr. Rivers wore a headlamp on his forehead to lightly illuminate Jay's face.

"Ok we are all set," he said, readying his patient. A nurse stood by to assist.

"Your eye is going to be incredibly sensitive to light. It will be a process to adjust, but this is the first step," he said, as he pulled the eye patch off.

He then carefully removed the gauze that lay between the patch and Jay's left eye.

Jay's eye had been swollen shut for so many months now his body didn't have the instinct to open it anymore.

"Ok I am sorry this isn’t going to be pleasant, just bear with me," Dr. Rivers said sympathetically.

"I am going to lift the lid and shine a light in to check on the retina and to see how your eye refracts light. Take some deep breaths. This should only be a minute."

Jay readied himself with his breathing.

Dr. Rivers gently lifted the battered lid and brought his pen light up.

The flash of light immediately brought Jay into a daydream which was a welcome reprieve from the pain his eye emitted.

The sun shone brightly like the light glaring in his eye. He and will were playing stick ball in a field by their grandfather's cabin. They fell into laughter rolling on top of one another. He was so innocent and carefree, so safe in the embrace of his big brother and in the hands of that prescient memory. The disassociation pulled Jay in so deeply he didn't hear Dr. Rivers call his name the first time.

"Jay?" he asked again a bit more loudly this time.

"Yeah, sorry."

"Jay I wasn't sure we'd get to this point, but your eye is refracting light beautifully and the retina attachment looks good."

Jay softly smiled. Still a little rattled by the unexpected warmth of his daydream of Will.

"I still want you to keep the eye patch on during the day. It will take a few weeks to build up your eye's tolerance for daylight. All goes well you will be patch free soon."

"How long until my vision is fully restored?" Jay asked.

"Usually it is 3-6 months post retina reattachment. Given the other trauma I’d say you are on the longer side of that range." He saw Jay's disappointment.

"Jay I was this close to having to remove your eye all together a few months ago. I can’t imagine what you have been through. I promise another month or two you will be back at that firing range," he said knowing Jay was hungry for normalcy.

“Thanks for everything, really,” Jay said with an affectionate appreciation Dr. Rivers wasn’t accustomed to from the younger Halstead.

---------------------------------------------------------

“Heroin overdoses have more than doubled in the last month,” Adam said passing around the latest story in the Chicago Tribune. “Sasha is flooding the market.”

“We’ve been tailing Sasha and his crew for a month,” Kevin piped in. “Looked through every piece of paper on him, checked all of his family, friends, business relations…”

Hank stood rubbing his chin.

“There has to be something we are missing,” Kim said staring at the wipe off board.

Hailey sat pensively with her fingers pressing against one another forming a triangle.

“We need to go granular,” Hank ordered. “No detail is too small.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay sat staring at his fingers pressed together

“No rush,” Dr. Goldin said.

“Two months of neurofeedback therapy, recurring nightmares receding?”

“Uh, define receding?” Jay said looking up from the triangle his fingers formed.

“How about meditation, journaling?”

“I’ve tried, its’ hard to have a good mantra sitting in one of these,” Jay said as he waved his hand over his chair.

“And you are still closed off to medication?”

“I tried that after Afghanistan, they make me numb,” Jay said with a certainty not to be messed with. “I may have some raw nerves, but I rather feel pain than nothing at all.”

Dr. Goldin sat looking at Jay. He knew logic wouldn’t prevail on the medication subject. He decided to take a different tactic. A risky strategy.

“Maybe it’s time to see Hailey or Will?”

“What?” Jay said shocked this would be his recommendation.

“Jay the bottom line is you have a shame problem. You think what those animals did to you was your fault. That if you could have found a way to break free like a Ranger would, like an elite detective would then you wouldn’t have been raped, you wouldn’t have been brutalized, you wouldn’t have had to deal with your wife’s infidelity because it never would have happened.”

Jay looked up into Dr. Goldin’s eyes grateful. He didn’t flinch. Dr. Goldin was finally acknowledging what he had been trying to tell him.  Jay had to own up to his failures.

“Have you considered why it is you let Makayla in from day one and continue to?” Dr. Goldin asked.

That was not what Jay expected to hear next.

“Uh I mean she is the sweetest kid. I care about her. She is hurting, and I can help,” Jay said in confusion. What was Dr. Goldin getting at?

“Right. She is a pure, innocent kid. One that is meant to be protected, one that isn’t expected to do impossible things,” Dr. Goldin pressed.

“I don’t understand….” Jay said.

“Jay – your trauma is taunting you. You are not Houdini. Those shackles were not breakable. You are not Superman. Why are you holding yourself to an impossible standard?”

Jay looked to the floor.

“When you look at your team from work, your wife, your brother… you see the reflection of a Jay Halstead that couldn’t save the day. So what? So you had a human reaction to a situation that didn’t allow for anything else!!!” Dr. Goldin said raising his voice at his patient for the first time.

Jay’s eyes remained glued to the floor.

“Your brother and your wife slept together Jay. That is a painful betrayal to absorb even though you understand the circumstances. They slept together in your goddamn bed and you apologized to them??????????????” Dr. Goldin’s voice was now booming.

“You don’t understand,” Jay whispered. “I tried…”

Dr. Goldin was debating whether to continue to get a rise out of his patient or meet this moment with softness.

“Jay, I understand very well. It is you I am trying to get to understand that you were the opposite of a coward during your captivity. You bravely survived something even your doctors didn’t think you would,” he said throwing Jay’s file at him. “They gave you a 10% of survival when you finished surgery that night you came home. Did you know that?”

Jay didn’t know that.

“Somehow you twisted things in your mind. You think they broke you???? I’d say the flip of that is what happened. Jay your strength and resiliency broke the mold, maybe you really are Superman. So why after the heroic fight to get to this point are you choosing to be a coward now?” he said going for the jugular.

“Why can’t you admit you were the victim? Not because you weren’t strong enough, but because horrible things were done to you. Why can’t you let yourself feel that?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matteo heard Dr. Goldin screaming at Jay earlier in the day. He tipped Fred off that Jay may be in a particular mood for their afternoon pool session.

Jay was quiet as they lowered the lift into the pool. He could hold himself up now without being held. His core and upper body were in excellent shape. His legs getting stronger with every day.

Jay went into the usual stretches and movements they were doing lately.

“Boring,” Fred said unimpressed.

Jay looked up confused. “Am I don’t something wrong?” he asked.

“Yeah, you are relying on the harness to hold you up,” Fred snapped. He knew Jay needed a kick in the behind.

“What the hell man? I am doing what you told me to do,” Jay threw right back.

Fred came up and unclipped the hooks keeping the lifting straps attached to his harness.

“Let’s try without,” Fred challenged nonchalantly.

Jay panicked for a second as he began to flail and reach for Fred.

Fred put his hands under jay’s armpits to steady him.

“Steady man. I want you to try to put your feet at the bottom of the pool.”

Jay nodded and did as he was told.

“How does that feel?”

It was the first time Jay had felt the floor beneath his feet in a long time.

“Ok – take a few deep breathes. Engage that core and try to stand up.”

Jay looked at him with big eyes.

“Light that core on fire, brother,” Fred urged.

Jay was bent over. His legs shook violently as he squeezed his stomach to try to get straight up.

“Squeeze your butt, engage that core!!”

Jay’s hands began to shake too. Fred kept his hands to spot him but did not help.

Jay’s stomach, back, and things were burning so badly he felt like he may ignite.

Dr. Goldin calling him a coward echoed in his head. The laughter of his captors echoed in his head. Will telling off Voight and admitting he slept with Hailey echoed in his head. The silence of his studio apartment at night echoed in his head. His burning muscles matched the light his fiery memories cast.

It hurt like hell, but he was standing for the first time in nearly a year.

“Bingo baby! Look at you,” Fred beamed.

Jay looked at his friend and physical therapist– for the first time they both stood eye to eye 6 feet tall.

He grinned like a little kid with a pile of candy.

“Wooow, easy there buddy,” Fred said catching Jay as he fell forward.

“That’s ok. You did it man. You did it.”

After Jay had dried up and dressed, he began heading to the door when he saw Dr. Goldin talking to another doctor in the hallway.

“I am no coward,” he said with a fierceness Dr. Goldin hadn’t seen from him in their treatment sessions.

Jay wheeled away to the exit and disappeared behind the sliding doors. Dr. Goldin stood smiling watching his patient leave with confidence.

“Damn straight you aren’t,” the doctor whispered.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay looked up at the steps to the 21^st district. It had been 50 weeks since his abduction. Technically Jay was at the district the day he was returned in the crate, but he had only tiny bursts of memory that day.

Today was the first day he took the eye patch off during daylight. His sunglasses working overtime to filter light out of his delicate eye.

It hurt to see the commotion outside the district building. If intelligence was his family, then this place was their shared home.

He stared at the ramp. He so badly wanted to walk up the stairs. Somehow coming back up the ramp felt like a defeat. But he remembered what Dr. Goldin said and forged ahead.

When he rolled to the door a few officers were coming out and held the door open for him.

“Halstead,” one called out. “Good to have you back.”

Jay graciously smiled. He took a breath and continued inside.

Removing his sunglasses, his eyes went right for the main desk. He couldn’t help but smile as he saw Trudy dressing down some rookies.

It took a few minutes before her guy demurely appeared in the corner of her eye. In mid yelling a frog caught her throat. She put her hand up, “I’m not done with you yet. Come back after patrol.”

She swung around the counter and walked over to Jay. She didn’t hesitate and bent down in a warm hug. “Chuckles,” she smiled with tears in her eyes not able to say more. Trudy hugged him tightly as way to transmit all the worry and love she held in her heart.

Jay tried not to make a scene. “I’m going to sneak over to the elevator, if that’s ok.”

“Yeah ok, but if you ever stay away for so long again….I’ll kill you,” she added trying to regain some of her ball busting reputation.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The elevator let him off and he rolled slowly toward the bullpen.

He knew seeing everyone may be emotional, but he was surprised at how much was bubbling up already.

Aside for some simple texts with Kevin after Makayla’s competition, he hadn’t been in contact with anyone for several months.

Before he made it to the bullpen, he heard Hank’s rough voice echo.

“I don’t give a damn,” Hank yelled as he slammed the phone. Higher ups were putting pressure on him to drop the Sasha dirt search and move on to other cases.

Hailey, Kevin, and Dante huddled over a computer at her desk. Adam was on the phone and Kim was going through files.

He tried to not overthink it and just act.

“Anything I can help with?” Jay said trying to hide his emotion.

Hailey froze. She thought she was imagining things. But that voice sounded so much like Jay’s it stopped her in her tracks. She missed him so very much.

Everyone else looked up in complete surprise. He saw the look of shock on their faces.

Jay hadn’t really thought this through. He knew he needed to see Hailey. He worked through what he was going to say with Dr. Goldin. But he hadn’t really considered the logistics of when and where.

Pure adrenaline pushed him to this moment.

He took a breath and rolled into the heart of the bullpen. Coming into the district was hard, but this was like he was wheeling through the thickest bond of memory he possessed. This place meant the world to him. The people he spent countless hours with her meant even more. He was in it now.

It had been a year, an entire year ripped away from his life.

He looked up at the board – photos of the men than brutalized him staring right at him. Oh man he was feeling it now. Vulnerability finding its way into his pores. Anger quickly moving to cover up his unexpected fragility.

Why hadn’t he considered that coming here might not be such a bright idea?

He didn’t come all this way to just panic and leave. He rolled closer to his teammates.

“I may be helpful. I spent a minute or two with these guys,” he continued.

Hank didn’t want to involve Jay in the case regarding Sasha. He was too close. Dr. Goldin feared it may trigger more anxiety that Jay shouldn’t have to handle.

Adam was the only one that managed to break the awkwardness.

He wasn’t in the pit of guilt he found himself in when Jay first returned, he made some progress on that front.

The overwhelming shame was now reduced to this subtle weight on his chest.

Once he had accepted he would carry that sadness forever in exchange for his daughter’s safety he was able to move on. But when he saw Jay, the achy weight became an unbearable anvil.

Despite his anxiety building, he owed it to his selfless friend to learn to carry that weight no matter what. It was the least he could do. He owed Jay everything.

“Jay! Man, it’s good to see you home,” Adam said coming in for the special handshake they always did.

They didn’t miss a beat. Adam was impressed by how strong Jay seemed. He was still pretty skinny but there was a soundness to his being that wasn’t there since his return.

God bless Adam. He helped release the emotion in the room.

Voight didn’t skip a beat and jumped into things as if his boy that hadn’t talked to any of them for several months just appeared with an open heart.

“We are getting heat from up top. We have to nail this bastard this week. We need something that is more important to Sasha than himself.”

“Boss we have tried everything. He had one son that was killed in a mob-war 6 years ago, girlfriends that have come and gone, no siblings, parents both gone already,” Kevin confirmed.

“He doesn’t even have property or any special possessions. Seems like his whole life has been trying to prove to his abusive, prick father that he is a tough guy,’ Dante added.

Hailey tried her best not to look at Jay. She could instantly see through his well curated veneer.

While everyone else was impressed with how Jay was carrying himself in their presence, she saw his internal struggle. It was almost imperceptible, but he would turn away every time his eyes drifted toward the board. His breathing was off its usual calm cycle. To Hailey it was as if the monster of his trauma was standing right before everyone, but only she and Jay could see its grandeur.

Jay was playing the same game. If he could just stay cool. Get through this. But as Hailey could read him like an open book, he could feel her peering into his core. He was naked before her and he always would be. He couldn’t possibly need her more.

The team went back and forth on possible next steps. Nothing felt like a good lead.

“When I was….” Jay began softly. At first only Hailey and Dante heard him.

“Jay, what is it?” Hailey asked moving a little closer to her husband. But not too close.

“When I was… when he….” He continued as his faking it until you make it facade came down a little.

He took a deep breath and regained composure putting his Halstead intensity shield back up.

“Sasha would talk on the phone endlessly. Always phone calls. He would only FaceTime with one person… a little girl…”

“You have a name? Any details?” Hank asked. Jay shook his head.

“We’ve got nothing on a kid or niece,” Kim said looking through a stack of papers to double check.

“Find my something on that kid,” Hank barked at the team.

“Good to have you back, Halstead,” Hank said, careful not to reveal his own swirling emotions.

-----------------------------------------------

The team went into dig mode. Jay’s little crumb was a bigger bite than anything else they had in a while. Something to sink their teeth into.

He was already exhausted by the emotional onslaught being at the 21^st wrecked oh his mind.

Nonetheless, he didn’t forget why he came. He needed to talk with his wife. He couldn’t stay away any longer.

Jay rolled toward his desk. She was pretending to be knee deep in a report but felt his presence as the powerful centrifugal forces of his heart inched toward hers.

“Hey,” he said somewhat inelegantly.

She took a breath and turned to face him.

“Hey,” Hailey answered back, also devoid of any creativity.

With so much to say, so much to share, all they both could come up with was hey.

“You have a few minutes?” Jay asked trying not to put pressure on her. If only he had an inkling of how desperate she was to feel his life force directed at her once more.

“Of course. Let’s go in here,” she said pointing to one of the break rooms.

The rest of the team tried not to make it abundantly obvious how giddy they were for this huge step. Jay showed up on his own terms. He was here with all of them once more.

“It’s taking everything in me not to eavesdrop on those two,” Kim said.

Adam sat her down and dropped a stack of files on her desk. “Don’t you dare,” he said spinning her around to face away from the break room.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey pulled two mugs down. 

“Are you allowed to have caffeine yet?”

The last she saw him he was still on a feeding tube and severely limited. She was nervous to make any incorrect assumptions of where he was now.

He smirked, “define allowed?”

“How about just a little,” as she poured him half a cup. She instinctively added a drop of milk but no sugar, just how he liked it.

“Thanks,” he said as he curled his hands around the warm mug.

Hailey sat down and immediately locked her eyes with his. This was the first time since his rturn she was seeing both of the green eyes that grounded her like nothing else. The patch was off. His left eye wasn’t open fully, but it didn’t matter. They both sat in shared silence as they gazed at one another.

To an outsider nothing was being communicated, but to Jay and Hailey it was the most affirming few minutes of the last year. They both madly loved one another. They felt it intensely through the non-verbal communication their eyes relayed.

Her effortless beauty always amazed him, but after being apart for so long, after so much pain, Hailey’s grace made his heart remember what it felt to be alive, to feel joy.

“I’m sorry,” they both said simultaneously after 5 minutes of looking at one another.

They couldn’t help but smile. Despite time, distance, and heartache they could still read one another’s minds.

“Hailey if you don’t mind, I want to open up to you,” Jay said, embarrassed for wanting to go first, but resolute in delivering his message.

“Jay whatever you need. I am here to listen.”

“This last year has been incredibly difficult,” Jay began.

“I want you to know that I was not the only victim. You, Will, the team… you were all victims of Sasha’s actions. Not just me,” Jay said firmly.

“Jay you can’t even compare,” Hailey began.

“All I know is if something like this happened to you, it would be the worst kind of torture anyone could inflict on me. Worse than what I went through. I am glad it was me they took and not you. Selfishly, I wouldn’t have been able to survive not knowing your fate.”

Hailey kept a laser like focus on him. She desperately wanted to hold him yet held that instinct at bay… for now.

“I understand what happened between you and Will. You thought I was gone. You were grieving, you weren’t making good decisions, you were trying to get through it.”

“Jay…” Hailey began. She didn’t want his understanding she wanted his vitriol. She deserved it, he needed to release it.

“Just let me get through this ok?” he asked.

“Because I understood how it happened, I felt like it was my fault, my doing… something I deserved for not finding a way home to you faster.”

Hailey’s eyes started to water. She hadn’t considered that Jay was blaming himself. It broke her heart to consider all the emotional weight he was balancing on his shoulders.

“I didn’t allow myself to feel angry at you and Will. Anger would mean I was once again the victim, and I am sick of people looking at me like a victim. If it was my fault, then I wasn’t the wounded party.”

“But Hailey I am angry,” he said with the conviction Dr. Goldin worked so hard for Jay to release. You can’t heal if you do not acknowledge the hurt truthfully.

“Everyone keeps saying how well I am doing, healing. Hailey I am not doing well. They broke me... I am so angry at myself for letting them,” Jay confessed.

“Visions of you and memories of Will were the difference between fighting another day and surrender.”

“You both were so loving to me in the hospital and at Spring Valley…” he said choking up.

Hailey found the courage to do what she should have been doing all this time… comfort her husband. She reached for his hand and held it with the ferocity of her heart.

“Now instead of daydreaming about being in your arms, I have the vision of you in Will’s arms. I hate it.”

Tears rolled down both of their cheeks. The honesty was necessary and brutal all at once.

Hailey was heartbroken to see the devastation she wrecked on the person she loved more than herself.

But she was glad for it..

This past year had been the lowest time in her life. Hurting Jay like she did was too much for her to bare. She would have done anything to have him yell, scream, berate her… anything that meant they were connecting together, not suffering apart.

“And the part I have been too scared to say to you…” Jay had to take a few breaths to make it through this part. Dr. Goldin implored him to bare his soul. But he still couldn’t really find the words.

“Hailey a part of all this is that I feel that maybe you and Will make sense. I can’t give you what you need anymore,” he whispered. Not fully revealing what he meant to say.

Hailey couldn’t hold in her thoughts for a moment more, “Jay, no, no no. Will and I love each other like the siblings we are to one another. That night was grief searching for relief, nothing more,” Hailey assured him.

“Don’t you get it? You are the love of my life. I had to let you go these months, so you had space to process everything. I understood you needed that. Jay, I lived thinking you were gone. My heart continued to beat but my soul was numb.”

Jay shook his head. “Hailey, I love you so much. I’ll forever hurt knowing how much pain I have caused you this year. I want to forgive, I want to move on, I want to be with you desperately….” His emotions were getting the best of him.

“We can work through whatever trauma or pain that is standing in the way,” Hailey promised as she moved closer to him. “Whatever it takes. No matter how long it takes.”

Every piece of Jay wanted to believe her. If she believed it so emphatically maybe he should too?

Hailey took her other hand and run her fingers through Jay’s hair. She got off her chair and bent down before him.

They looked into each other’s eyes intensely, tenderly, lovingly. God, they adored one another.

At this point neither one fought their tears. Pain was a constant this past year in one way or the other, now hope was trying to push its way in.

Jay gently cupped his hand behind her neck and as if gravity itself was in command, their lips came together.

Pushing all his anxiety aside, Jay let himself have this moment. Hailey would always be the ultimate steward of his soul. She poured everything she had into their passionate embrace and everything in him absorbed her everlasting love.

Hailey never truly believed he was gone and would have waited a lifetime for her heart to return to its rightful place. Thankfully the moment had arrived sooner than she had feared.

Science can only explain so much.

For Hailey and Jay the loved they shared was an irrational and reciprocal emotion that went beyond ability or desire to explain. They experienced a gravitational force of mutual attraction, the perturbing of orbits until synchronized as one.

They were one.

Cruelly, intense trauma has the ability to cut through magical realms and cast dark spells.

The brutality that Jay had endured by the hands of evil men worked to haunt him eternally.

Therapy, selfcare, relentless physical exertion could only curtail it, not vanquish the permanent scars.

Hailey moved to wrap her hands around his head and pull him to her chest. She could feel his heartbeat, he could hear hers.

Somewhere in the beauty, in the passion, in the desire she saw sheer terror dash through his eyes.

Jay tried every coping tool Dr. Goldin had equipped him with in preparation for the relentless shame cloud. He tried and tried again but the overwhelming flashbacks were too powerful for his mind to control.

He pulled away, eyes darting to the floor.

“I love you. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry,” he said as he rolled his chair around and went for the door.

“Jay? Jay please don’t go,” she begged.

“I can’t be the man you need me to be,” he said as he fumbled with the door.

“Jay!!!”

-----------------------------------------------

He pushed his way down the hall to the elevator. He flew out of the lobby pretending not to hear Trudy call out.

As Jay rolled down the exit ramp, he saw the bus pull away from the stop. He decided instead of waiting he would push himself the 2.4 miles home.

It wasn’t the brightest of decisions. Around halfway the muscles in his arms burned and he was drenched in sweat. In true Jay fashion he welcomed the burn. The more it hurt the less he could focus on the fact he could not be intimate with the only woman he desired.

Dr. Goldin led him to believe he could overcome his connection of arousal and intimacy with the helpless rawness he felt when being raped. But today proved to Jay the impossibility of that feat.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey couldn’t understand or control so much that happened this past year. The one thing she always understood without confusion was Jay. She could read his thoughts with zero verbal communication. She saw how badly he wanted to move past this mountain of shit between them.

As strong as he was, no one could do this on their own.

She bolted out of the room and began fumbling through desk drawers.

The team didn’t know exactly what happened. Jay and Hailey were in there for a while—a few of them walked by and giddily reported back that the duo inched closer, holding hands. But then Jay abruptly left in tears with Hailey calling out to him.

“Do you have the pile of guest books from Jay’s funeral?” Hailey asked frantically.

Kim was confused. “Uh yeah I think they are all in Voight’s office.

15 minutes later the team were rifling through stacks of books.

Thousands had come to pay their respects that day. Some people just signed their names. Some left heartfelt condolences or memories. Nearly two dozen guest books were filled with admiration.

“Got it, “ Dante called out. “Ethan James, right?”

Hailey had read through every page in those weeks following the funeral. A few beautiful reminiscences stuck out in her mind. One was Ethan’s entry:

“Detective Halstead helped me through a truly dark time when I was a teenager. He flipped the script, allowed me to change the narrative and see my worst pain as my greatest strength. Deep empathy is born out of despair. Jay taught me that. I will carry that truth with me always. Mrs. Halstead, I have a priceless debt to repay, if you ever need anything do not hesitate to reach out. 312.569.3465.”

Ethan was a teenager years ago when Jay helped uncover a molestation case and school shooting. Jay stepped up and really brought Ethan through that terrible time. (CPD Season 3 Episode 7 A Dead Kid, a Notebook, and alot of Maybes)

Hailey knew her man’s heart. He needed her. She would find a way to help one way or the other.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Jay skipped his session with Dr. Goldin. He followed his advice with disastrous results.

He opted for more physical therapy time in the gym.

Esther and Rafe were there as well. Everyone had come early that day. Rafe was walking with only a cane. And Esther was walking much better with her metal walker.

Jay had taken steps in the pool. Fred was thrilled with his progress and promised that the parallel bars outside of the water were not far off.

Esther had a funny, bossy, loving way about her. She always made Jay smile as she reminded him of his grandmother.

Rafe was young and cocky, he reminded Jay a little of himself. Their Hijinx were just what the doctor ordered.

“Hey man, you should have seen this girl last night. Red hair, green eyes… I got her digits,” Rafe said clearly smitten.

“Jay, sweetheart, sit up straight. When you hunch over like that you look like a little boy,” Esther said keenly aware her cute young friend was down today.

Jay straightened up a little.

“Better,” Now you look like a bigger boy,” she smiled.

Jay laughed and continued with his bicep curls.

He saw Esther struggle to put her weight pack on the rack, so he rolled over and took it out of her hand.

“I got it,” he offered.

“What a mensch,” she smiled.

When Jay grabbed the weight, he noticed a dark smudged line of numbers on her forearm.

Jay’s curiosity and detective ears went up. Esther had a story.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay waited by the bus stop to go home. It was windy and cold. The bus was running late.

Dr. Goldin came up beside him.

“You avoiding me?’ he asked.

“I’m pretty sure you don’t ride the bus,” Jay threw back at him.

“Pretty sure anyone can stand at a bus stop,” he responded, making it clear Jay couldn’t avoid him any longer.

“Look I tried what you suggested,” Jay said curtly.

“And?” Dr. Goldin prodded.

“And it was a disaster. I am pretty sure I hurt Hailey even more if that was even possible.”

“Did you tell her how you are struggling with anger and shame?” he asked.

“I tried. I didn’t exactly articulate everything. It felt so good to talk to her, to be with her …but to feel her… that’s when it all went to shit.”

“Jay did you expect to tackle Mt. Everest in one conversation?”

“You don’t understand. I can’t be intimate with my wife without feeling I am being touched by them. That is my fate. It was foolish of me to think otherwise.”

The bus rolled up and Jay said goodbye and mounted the lift.

“I appreciate everything you have done for me and continue to but please respect me when I saw no more,” Jay said as the lift began to rise.

Dr. Goldin nodded and watched his patient disappear onto the bus and into the night.

Hank and Hailey were the last two of the unit at the office. It was nearly midnight and neither had the desire to leave for their empty homes.

“Hank what if the answer has been sitting right under our noses?”

“What do you have?” he asked with curiosity.

That day we tried to book Sasha. He wanted us to look at his phone so we could see the picture of a bound Jay that was texted.

“Yeah, so what?” Hank asked.

“The code was 050617…. Jay said a little girl would facetime him regularly… what if that code leads us to the girl? The leverage we need to nail his ass?”

Hank’s eyes perked up. “Let’s dig in deep. Good work, Upton.”

Jay was struggling. He had less than half a mile to go but his arms could barely move without twitching. He overdid it.

Molly’s wan on the way. He contemplated going but the chances of running into a crowd he knew was too great. He wasn’t up for a reunion.

So he continued on slowly, very slowly.

He was learning to dissociate in new ways… memories of his Ranger days took over for thinking of Hailey or Will. On the one hand it helped… when dark pervasive thoughts would come, he had an escape. But that escape had a price. His memories of war carried their own baggage.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

He was lost in memory of a long day in Afghanistan. He and his unit had been sitting for 14 hours waiting for a target. He was a sniper, he could sit in wait forever, but the 100-degree heat was getting to everyone. His muscles tensed from dehydration and sweat dripped off in torrents. Just like he was feeling wheeling himself up hill that night in Chicago.

After he passed Molly’s he heard his name, “Jay wait up!” The sound pulled him out of his daydream.

It was Severide. The last they saw of one another was when he and Hermann dropped off the signed helmet on his birthday.

Kelly saw Jay was struggling. “How far are you?” he asked.

“I’m on Crescent and West Ravine.”

“Cool. Mind if I help?” Kelly asked.

Jay was honestly so happy to have a way home that didn’t require his exertion anymore. He nodded softly, “thanks man. I guess I need to do a few more reps at the gym.”

The walk home was a welcome reprieve. Jay didn’t fight it and let Kelly push him all the way home. They stopped and grabbed some burgers for dinner at a local pub. Kelly did most of the talking. Sure he wasn’t a detective, but he saw Jay was rattled and filled in the space Jay needed.

The few hours between leaving Hailey before arriving home was the palette cleanser he needed.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Jay set out to figure out how to fill his Saturday. Makayla had ice skating practice he could go watch, but he wasn’t quite ready to face his intelligence family again just yet.

He smacked hands with Gideon as he headed out for the day. “Where to Jay-man?’ Gideon asked. He had to pump Voight with Jay’s whereabout every day to keep the gravy train of financial support going.

Jay knew. He was injured, not brain damaged, but he played along. He knew Sasha wouldn’t mess with him as long as he was allowed to deal Heroin. Nonetheless, if it made the team feel better to tail him he would pretend he wasn’t keenly aware of what was happening.

“I think I’m going to try out the paramobile at the golf simulator on Simmons,” Jay said unsure if he really would go to try out a new wheelchair accessible golf activity.

He just wanted to be on his own today. No tail. He wanted time to think.

As he rolled out of the building a young man walked up to him. He looked familiar but Jay couldn’t quite place him.

“Detective Halstead?” he asked. Jay began putting the pieces together.

“Ethan?”

------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Text

“Come on Jay this is crazy please stop,” Fred begged.

Maya came running over with Matteo in tow. They couldn’t convince Jay to stop and needed muscle to move their patient to safety.

Jay was up on the parallel bars unwilling to come down for far too long. He was wrecking damage to himself. His body was trembling.

Sure he overdid it at times throughout his therapy, but this time his stubbornness likely just caused a fracture in his leg and more.

Jay tried valiantly to channel his heartfelt sorrow from his painful realization into physical exertion-- he could not be with the woman he yearned for from the depths of his being and loved more than anything in this world. She thought she could handle it, but she didn’t know how pervasive and intrusive his memories would haunt her too. It was up to him to make sure she didn’t have to.

He pushed it too far this time. The look of Hailey’s heartbreak danced feverishly in his eyes while his actual bone-break seared through the rest of him.

The moment he felt the unmistakable shooting pain he froze. If there was one thing Jay had learned this past year it was what a bone felt like when it fractured.

There was no way he was going backwards. He had come so far. There just was no way. He had finally started walking on the bars and with forearm crutches. So if he just stood there and pretended like everything was fine, it would be. Totally rational right?

“Jay please sit back. You are shaking. You can really hurt yourself,” Fred urged once more.

Matteo got underneath the bars and stood in front of Jay.

“Hey man. It’s me. Its ok. I’m here. I got you.”

The words weren’t registering.

“Staying like this you are risking tearing ligaments in your arms or worse. You don’t want to do that. You’ll hate what that will mean.”

Matteo came closer.

“Look at me! Come on look at me… you want to go back to being pushed around everywhere? You want to be fed again?” Matteo asked with total sympathy in his voice. It killed him seeing his friend captive to abject terror.

Jay’s eyes finally unlocked. Matteo could sense Jay’s complete shock and loss of control.

He wrapped his arms around Jay, giving him a bear hug. Fred ran over and knocked the crutches Jay had just started using out of the way. Maya brought him a wheelchair and they placed it at the end of the parallel bars.

Matteo gently lifted Jay who softly whispered, “no, no, no no,” as he was hoisted backwards and into the wheelchair.

Fred bent down before him. “This doesn’t change your progress. Even if it’s broken, you’ll be back up soon.”

“No ambulance,” Jay said with a flat monotone. He was devastated by the possible set back and felt ashamed that once more people had to step in to care for him.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Matteo worked to ensure coverage at Spring Valley, so he could drive Jay to get checked out.

During the drive Jay’s mind wandered to a week prior when Ethan James tracked him down outside of his apartment building.

Ethan was a high school student seemingly involved with planning a school shooting. Turned out the swim coach molested him and others and staged an apparent suicide of a student to stop his victims from outing him as a child molester.

The case was heavy, and Ethan struggled with coming to terms with what happened.

Jay helped him through it. Jay made him feel safe, brave, whole.

“Detective Halstead,” Ethan said to an understandably surprised Jay.

“Ethan?”

“Yeah, I know it has been a while,” Ethan smiled.

“Please call me Jay. It’s good to see you. You’ve grown up quite a bit!”

“Yeah, I am 21 now, a senior at North Western.”

“Man that is awesome. I want to hear all about it,” Jay said.

Jay and Ethan walked down the block to a nearby park. Ethan caught him up on so much. His Mom remarried two years after the case. She was able to work part time and be more present in his life. He still was in therapy, ran marathons, had a girlfriend. In short, his life blossomed after his harrowing experiences at the hands of the piece of garbage swim coach and the authorities that protected him in order to preserve the school’s reputation.

Jay bought them some croissants from a coffee food truck in the park.

“So was this little rendezvous an accident? How did you find me?”

Ethan smirked a little. “This is sort of Tom Sawyer level awkward… but all the local papers and news reported your abduction and death. My mom and I came to pay our respects at the gathering after your funeral. Turns out you matter to a lot of people.”

Jay hadn’t really thought about that. A funeral had been held for him. His loved ones buried him. Speeches must have been made. Mourners must have come to support and share their condolences.

“Hailey?” Jay asked.

“She reached out to me. I had left my phone number in the guest book.”

Jay was equal parts embarrassed and touched. The women he had hurt so much by pushing her away and away, hadn’t given up on him.

Ethan saw Jay close up a little.

“Look I’m not here to give a big speech or anything. I suppose you went through some things…” Ethan began a little unsteady.

“You know that I was raped. I was scared about what that meant about me. Mortified that while desperately wanting it to stop I also felt some arousal. It took years of therapy to understand that was a biological reaction. It didn’t mean anything.”

Ethan’s words touched a very raw nerve in Jay. There is an unspoken language between violent sexual assault survivors. Ethan put words to what Jay had pushed down and locked away.

“I know that if it wasn’t for you, I wouldn’t be here. You told me that admitting what happened was the bravest thing you had ever seen. You helped begin to wash away my feelings of shame, disgust….”

“I believed you. I didn’t have my father to guide me, but you took that role in the moment I needed it most. You showed me that I could pull strength from my sorrow.”

“Jay… I don’t know the details of what you are going through now, but I wanted you to know that I don’t feel shame anymore.”

Jay sat stunned at Ethan’s admission. Astonished at how good and brave this kid continued to be. Floored by the simplicity of his words and the power they held. “I don’t feel shame anymore,” rang over and over in his head.

Last time he saw him he was a kid with the weight of the world on his shoulders. With time and hard work, he had found a way to move forward into happiness and stability.

“I don’t feel shame anymore.”

Speechless. Jay nodded.

--------------------------------------------------

Matteo put the Black Hawks game on the radio. He looked over and saw jay holding his forearm awkwardly.

“I was being an idiotic jerk, I’m sorry,” Jay said staring off into traffic.

“Dude its ok,” Matteo began.

“Look I know you feel alone in all this. But I care for patients every day that are in similar boats as you. Recovery from acute trauma is not fair, it sucks and it’s frustrating as hell.”

“No, it’s not ok. I didn’t listen, pushed too hard and now everyone’s got to step up to help clean up my mess. I just started walking on crutches, one step closer to being fully independent. I don’t want to seem ungrateful. Really what you and Fred and everyone have done for me….”

Matteo started to laugh, “ I know man. I know you are genuinely appreciative. You just don’t want me wiping your ass ever again.”

Jay couldn’t help but smirk in return.

“Don’t worry, I never want to either,” Matteo added to really nail down the much-needed levity.

“Jay, we have gotten to know one another pretty well these past 5 plus months. So, at the risk of overstepping….”

Matteo took a breath, “find a way back to your people.”

Jay didn’t get defensive. He listened.

“Watching you go at this alone these past few months has been sad as shit. I know there is a lot to unpack, not belittling that at all, but the love and bond you share with your friends and family is rare. Take my word for it, it does not come easy and it does not come at all for many of us. Find a way back Jay.”

Matteo pulled into the ambulance bay. He opened the passenger side door and waved over a nurse and orderly with a wheelchair. He helped get Jay settled.

“I’m going to go park, I’ll meet you inside.”

-------------------------------------

“The green-eyed Halstead,” April said as she pushed Jay to a triage bay.

“What did you do?” she asked with a warm smile.

“May have over did it in PT. I felt something crack in my left leg and in this wrist,” he said lifting his throbbing limb.

“Ok I’m going to page Dr. Marcel to see if he is here. If not, I’ll get someone in orthopedics to take a look.”

April waited to see if he gave any directives about Will. She took his non-statement as permission to do as she pleased.

Everyone knew the brothers weren’t talking and they were all rooting for them to figure their angst out. The equilibrium in Chicago just wasn’t right with them apart.

The curtain opened a few minutes later and Crockett appeared. He normally wouldn’t take a case like this, but Jay was his patient, no one else was allowed to touch him as far as he was concerned.

Jay looked at him with regretful eyes. “Yeah, April told me. You Halsteads never make it easy, do you?”

As if on cue Will walked in. “But we are so darn adorable, you can’t help but love us, right?” Will said doing his best to pretend it was no big deal he was busting in on his brother.

Crockett smirked. “X rays of leg and wrist, and then MRI. I want to see bone and soft tissue scans before we determine what’s going on here. I’ve got to get back to the PACU to check on a post op patient.”

“I’ll stay,” Will assured.

Will threw a hospital gown at Jay. “You know the drill.”

Jay went to unbutton his shirt and realized with his injured wrist it would be difficult. Will saw his brother’s indecision.

He walked over and without a word began to help Jay with his shirt. When they got it off Will tied on the gown. He noticed all the scars from cigarette burns on his brother’s back but did not change his facial expression at all.

“Pants?” Will asked not wanting to irk his brother by being too presumptuous. Jay hadn’t protested when he came into the bay and he was allowing Will to help. Will wasn’t trying to push his luck too much.

April came to take Jay off for his tests. “I’ll help with pants. He’ll be back in an hour or two,” she promised, trying not to be too obviously giddy about the brothers sharing space together.

“I’ll be here,” Will promised.

Matteo and Will sat in the waiting area.

Will had taken the rest of his shift off. He was unsure as to what was transpiring. Did Jay really just let him waltz in there like nothing had happened?

“Thanks for bringing him in,” Will finally broke the very loud silence.

“Yeah of course. He’s such a good dude. Stubborn as all heck, but just a real good dude,” Matteo answered.

Will couldn’t help but smile at that concise and accurate description of his brother.

“You hurt him you know?” Matteo said, knowing he was overstepping but doing it anyway.

Will’s smile wiped away and the weight of the past year appeared across his face.

“I would do anything to take that night back,” Will whispered.

“I didn’t mean that. What happened to Jay, the mind games those monsters played on all of you faking his death was sick beyond comprehension.”

Will looked up in confusion.

“You let him absorb all of your light for months – you took care of him in such a beautiful way. I loved watching you, Hailey, and all his friends with him.  And then bam you left him in the dark,” Matteo said looking straight at Will. “Watching him these last few months has been depressing as fuck.”

“I… I was trying to respect his wishes. Give him the space he asked for,” Will defensively spit out. “You think I wanted this distance?”

“What hurt him most was not what you and Hailey did. It was being alone in the midnight of his despair trying to make sense of it all. He’s been so lost man. He needs to be found. He needs his big brother to find him,” Matteo said getting up.

“I played his enforcer to make him feel his little cocoon was real. I kept waiting for you to fight to break in.”

“Where are you going?’ Will asked.

“I’m not standing in the way anymore,” Matteo said as he turned for the door.

--------------

Nearly two hours later Dr. Marcel came out as a personal escort for Jay.

Will winced when he saw Jay’s casted right leg propped up on the elevated leg rest and splinted left wrist wresting with an ice pack on his lap.

“Eek what do we have?” Will asked as softly as possible.

“Big guy pushed it too hard, hairline fracture in the fibula, grade 2 tear/sprain on a ligament in his left wrist.”

“Surgery?” Will asked.

“Leg should heal on its own. We opted to cast it to the knee to ensure that it does,” Marcel said looking down at Jay disapprovingly.

Jay pretended he didn’t see the look.

“Wrist will be wait and see. For now, RICE protocol for the next 72 hours. Jay--absolute rest, ice, compression, and elevation. Don’t mess around unless you want your spot back in my surgical suite,” Marcel said a bit harshly.

Jay nodded.

“Thanks Crockett,” Will said as the surgeon went back to work.

Jay took a few deep breaths with his eyes closed.

“Where’s Matteo?” he asked with eyes fluttering open.

“Matteo left. I told him I’ll get you home.”

Jay felt bad Matteo had to give up some of his night. “Thanks but I am ok. I’ll get a cab.”

“Jay, come on man you can be as angry as you want and still let me get you home and situated.”

“I said I’ll handle it,” Jay snapped trying to fumble for his phone one handed. He was so mad at himself for pushing too hard. He didn’t have the energy to deal with Will on top of it.

Matteo’s words from the waiting room were echoing in Will’s head.

Will reached over to help with the phone. Jay threw up his splinted wrist in a defensive posture causing Will’s fist to hit his brother’s face -- blood immediately came trickling down Jay’s nose.

“Are you kidding me?” Jay barked.

He was frustrated that he stupidly reinjured himself, angry about the affair and cover-up, pissed his brother was trying to be Florence nightingale all of a sudden, and in disbelief Will may have just broken his nose.

Vitriol and adrenaline kicked in. His basest instincts flared up.

Acting purely on impulse he decided to take his anger and shove it where it belonged. He dove out of his chair and tackled Will.

Before Will knew what hit him, the Halstead brothers were in a full-on brawl on the floor.

“Jay what the hell is wrong with you?” Will yelped as he tried to avoid his brother’s fists. He was aware the chances were far greater of Jay hurting himself, than Jay hurting Will.

“You are so goddamn smug,” Jay barked back.

“I may be smug, but I am not a fucking idiot like you are right now. You’re going to hurt yourself.”

They continued to roll back and forth trading smacks and punches but mostly just entangled in a mess of limbs.

“You disappear. You always fucking disappear when it gets hard,” Jay sucked out, now losing his breath.

Will was scared to hurt Jay, but he had to try to stop his brother from hurting himself further. He threw a few punches back to get him to calm down and get off him.

“You’re there to fuck my wife. Then you aren’t there when the shit hits the fan,” Jay growled.

“We thought you were gone. We were ravaged and lost,” Will spat back. “You’ve never been a drunk ass?”

“I thought you wanted me to stay away,” Will said now with more sadness in his voice.

The adrenaline was beginning to dissipate. Jay’s sprained wrist was throbbing, not to mention his newly busted face. But it had to come out – the toxic sadness and anger had to come out.

“I needed you,” Jay said as his voice weakened along with the ferocity of his fists.

They continued to roll around, but this time Will stopped defending himself and throwing punches, and hugged Jay as tightly as he could.

“I needed you,” Jay said now tears streaming down both of their faces.

At that point a maintenance worker had called security.

By the time they arrived they found Jay and Will lying on the ground hugging and crying. Blood was smeared on the floor, Jay’s wheelchair was tipped over, his phone thrown across the room.

Ethan and April arrived seconds later. They looked at each other mouthing, “what the actual fuck?”

One security guard and Ethan came and pealed Will off the top of the Halstead heap. He had a newly swelling eye and busted lip.

The other guard and April came over to help Jay. “Stay down,” April ordered as Jay went to lift his head, blood now spilling freely from his face.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey and Hank came bounding into the Emergency Room. “What happened? Where is he?” she panted trying to catch her breath.

First Gideon texted Hank to let him know that Jay was on his way to MED with a possible broken bone, but he had staff support so no need to come.

Then a few hours later Hailey received a text from April saying Jay was in a fight and will need an escort home after he is triaged.

Maggie came from around the desk.

“They are ok,” she said assuredly.

“They?” Hank asked.

“Follow me,” Maggie said as she walked over to the corner bay and pulled the curtain.

Before them was the most ridiculous sight.

Will was lying on a gurney with an ice pack over his eyes as Ethan finished stitching his lip. Jay was in his wheelchair with a raised and casted leg, splinted arm in a sling, taped and packed broken nose, and an ice pack pressed against his right eye.

“He busted my lip,” Will whined slightly slurred. “Shhhh, stop moving your mouth. Almost done,” Ethan said as he tightened the suture and snipped the end with scissors. He grabbed Will’s hand and pulled him up to a seated position.

“He broke my nose,” Jay shot back.

“One thing is certain, you are both idiots,” Ethan said. “They are all yours,” he smiled as he pulled his gloves off and walked over to his next patient.

Hank and Hailey looked at one another in bemused confusion.

They were lucky. Jay’s more delicate left eye was ok. And somehow, he didn’t break anything else on his hands or wrists despite the few good punches he landed on Will’s face.

In that moment a little pixie dust must have been sprinkled over their heads because what came next could not have been predicted.

Will pulled the ice from his face and Jay couldn’t help but let a little laugh slip out.

“What you think you look so hot right now?” Will smiled back.

That was it. Sometimes the ‘boys will be boys’ method of roughhousing through disagreement is the most expedient way to slay a giant elephant in the room. The damn burst – they both burst out in full throttled laughter.

You know that cavernous laughter that comes from somewhere deep within you – that is so overwhelming and uncontrollable it hurts? The emotion is pulled from somewhere so rich and painfully dense there is no other excavation method that can reach such a hallowed place.

Laughter is contagious and as much as they fought it Hailey and Hank were swept up in the mighty power of it all.

An immeasurable amount of pain, rage, sadness, despair, groundlessness was beaten into submission during their brotherly brawl.

Getting a smile out of Hank is one thing. But getting him to laugh out loud? Well, that is as rare as it comes. Seeing Jay genuinely enveloped in joy was more than his stoic heart could handle.

Sure, they had some absurd looking, busted faces, but it was worth the price of admission for the release of it all and the removal of defenses from their unguarded hearts.

------------------------------------------------------------------

After dropping Will off at home, Hank convinced Jay to let him help get situated.

Hailey bit her tongue to stop herself from offering to stay.

The drive home was lighthearted. Jay was all busted up, yet he didn’t seem to be wallowing in the setback he had with his broken limbs. He sat sideways in the backseat with his legs resting across the seat bench and on her lap.

They didn’t say much of anything to each other – but in her eyes and in her smile, he saw her sincere offer to witness his healing.

The crucible of intimacy is revealing your truest self in front of another and feeling safe in doing so, with them revealing their pure self in return.

In the back of that car Jay felt a modicum of safety in the grasp of her gaze and realized how she must not have the same luxury. He had shut her out, leaving Hailey with her battered heart in her hands.

He wasn’t trying to be hurtful. The circumstances of the past year were as such that cruelty found many victims to terrorize. She deserved better. She was undeniably worthy of his love, but was he worthy of hers anymore?

Their relationship was still messy, unresolved, rough edged, but there was something authentic and raw in the honesty that was shared that evening. Something Jay could grasp onto as he steadied himself for his attempt to ascend from the ashes.

----------------------------------

Hank forced Jay to let him sleepover. “Either I stay the night, or I am hauling your ass back to Spring Valley.” Hank negotiated hard.

Jay relented. He was exhausted. And even though he did not want to admit it, this really was a physical setback.

The nursing staff got Jay settled with limbs propped up and elevated with pillows, ice on his face, wrist, and leg.

Gideon set Hank up with a roll away bed and the men essentially had a sleepover with their beds right near each other in the cozy confines of his studio apartment.

“Remember the rest part of RICE protocol,” the nurse reminded.

---------------------------------

Hank saw Jay struggle at night. Nightmares still abundantly apparent but unlike the last few months in solitude, he had someone to soothe him in his sleep.

Hank found profound meaning in caring for Jay in this vulnerable state.

There was so much he wanted to tell his kid. Even the great Hank Voight had trouble articulating his complex feelings out loud to someone he loved so full heartedly.

He harbored guilt like he felt about Al’s death. He failed Al then as he failed Jay now. He’d never be whole about either sacred dereliction of duty.

So when Jay cried out throughout the night Hank sat on his bed and caressed his son’s face and gently told him that it was ok, he was safe. He stayed like that the whole night, only moving back to his bed when Jay began to stir with the sunrise.

Jay wasn’t consciously aware of what Hank was doing for him. Nonetheless the benefits were palpable. The soothing sound of Hank’s voice permeated Jay’s dream state and facilitated a more peaceful resolution to his nightmares.

They spent the morning figuring out Jay’s new limitations and how to work around them.

Jay showed Hank that he could push his wheelchair with one hand- albeit not too far. Gideon sent in nursing staff to help Jay bathe and get in and out of his chair. They assured Hank that Jay would have extra nursing support for as long as he needed assistance. The benefits of supportive housing!

Jay stared at the forearm crutches in the corner. “You’ll be back with those soon enough,” Gideon promised.

-----------------------------------------------------

“Let’s get out of here and get a proper breakfast,” Hank suggested.

As they walked down the block Jay reluctantly let Hank push him. He was humbled by his injuries, yes, but more so by the love and care Matteo, Fred, Ethan, Maya, Crockett, Will, Hailey and Hank gave – it would be selfish to push too hard again. His stubbornness was writing checks his body could not cash, forcing his caretakers to have to step up.

He owed it to them to heal.

Brunch was a little chaotic as it was packed with yuppies enjoying their Mimosas and Bloody Mary’s.

Jay went to take a bite of eggs when Hank finally choked out a few words. “Where you waiting for me?” he asked with a pained look on his face.

Jay instantly knew what he meant and lay his fork down gently as if to telepath to Hank that its ok to be soft right now.

The subtle cue wasn’t missed – Hank always admired Jay’s tenderness.

He pressed on. “Where you waiting for me to rescue you, Jay?”

Jay didn’t know what to say.

The truth was every single day Jay thought this would be the one when Hank found him. He knew he was searching for him. He believed his boss would come through. No way Hank Voight would allow one of his own to waste away.

But the day never came.

“Knowing you were looking for me helped me hold on,” Jay settled with, thinking that was a positive spin. He didn’t want to hurt him with the truth. He didn’t want to say that eventually he assumed they had given up on him.

Jay did his best to minimize the painful truth. But his eyes gave him dead away.

Hank saw through Jay’s attempts at protecting him from the harshness of what he experienced.

His boy waited for him, and he never came.

----------------------------------

On the way home Jay assured Hank that he would be okay on his own, that Hank could go home.

As they rounded the corner, a dog walker with several Rottweilers barreled towards them. They were chasing a squirrel up the block. Their barking was relentless and loud.

Hank tried to swerve Jay to the side but one of the dogs came over to sniff out the situation.

“Control your damn animals,” Hank yelled at the overwhelmed dogwalker.

“Midas get down,” the dog walker yelled.

Hank came around to help get the beast off of Jay. He noticed Jay had closed his eyes and was completing disassociating  from the encounter.

The dogwalker finally finagled the dog off of Jay and continued down the street.

There was a quiet tension in the air. Hank searched his memory bank and recalled the German Shephard and Rottweilers that lived with Jay during his captivity. They aggressively took whatever little food was given to him, they licked the blood off his body, they barked incessantly, they unwittingly were part of his torment.

Hank shook off the awful feeling and focused on getting Jay out of there. He couldn’t wrap his mind around all the triggers and trauma Jay would have to overcome to live a good life again. It felt unsurmountable even to him.

He helped Jay into bed, elevated his wrist and leg, and brought him his pain killer and anti-inflammatory.

“Gideon said you’ll be having hourly check ins from the support staff. Just press your bracelet if you need anything, don’t be a hero.”

“Hank… thank you.”

Jay was committed to figuring this out. Of course he had no idea how to accomplish his goal.

He had to start somewhere – slowly, so very slowly letting people in and showing gratitude for their love was a good way to begin. Next hurdle would be allowing himself to feel like he was deserving of the affection. That was a work in progress.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey stood by the board with the team listening intently.

“Ok so we ran the date 050716 and looked up all the baby girls born on that day. We narrowed it down to Russian sounding first names for birth mothers In Illinois. That got us down to 17 possible babies. We looked up each birth certificate.

Hailey put a piece of paper up on the board.

“Ilayna Pavlichenko gave birth to a baby girl Alexa Shuster on May 6, 2017. Sasha’s real name is Alexander Shusterovich.

“Find me that girl,” Hank said pointing to the board.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

With Jay’s set back he could no longer get himself to Spring Valley. The VA arranged for an access-a-ride to bring him to and from treatment. He was in a bad mood. Everything that morning was harder. Getting out of bed required a press on his med alert bracelet, help getting dress, needing the van.

When he arrived Maya met him at the door and brought him inside. Esther and Fred were deep in conversation.

“Today is Rafe’s graduation from treatment here,” she said as Jay was confused by the balloons and table full of cupcakes and candy.

Rafe came over walking decently with just a cane. “Hey brother—yo what’s up with your face, Fred said you busted your leg?”

“You should see the other guy!” Jay smirked. “Congrats on moving up, man. That is exciting news. Don’t be a stranger.”

“Yeah, feeling good. I’ll still do PT but only twice a week a home.”

Jay lifted up his good arm for a fist bump.

The trio got together for one last session together before Rafe officially departed.

“Rafe you are on conditioning today, Esther 15 laps and then weights, Jay…. You are on RICE protocol so we will continue that here – need to take a break from water therapy until that cast is off but we can do some basic core exercises today,” Fred rattled off.

Jay did a few reps of sit-ups, but it was exacerbating the dizziness from his broken nose and black eye. So they just elevated and iced his bruised face and limbs for the rest of the session.

Esther hobbled over and sat next to him. She threw a Snickers onto his lap. “Don’t tell Maya. I am not supposed to have processed sugar,” she grinned as she took a bite out of her own chocolate bar.

“I figure at my age I’d be fine croaking next to a handsome man with chocolate in my hand.”

Jay smiled. Something about her reminded him of his grandmother and even his mother. The way she could bust chops with the best of them with a constant undercurrent of care and concern running through every tease.

Esther continued to surreptitiously eat her candy bar when she caught Jay looking at her arm.

“98764,” she said.

Jay immediately was embarrassed. She clearly caught him staring at her tattoo.

“Oh don’t be shy, I’m not embarrassed by it… not anymore,” she said forcing him to look at her. This moment demanded a certain attention, respect.

“You know I used to try to scrub it off. I thought if I just kept washing it then it would go away. It would all go away.”

Jay sat quietly. He knew the tattoo meant she was in a concentration camp in WW2. It didn’t take an elite detective to understand she must have experienced indescribable trauma and loss.

“When did you stop trying to make it go away?” Jay asked. Her story was intriguing. What she must have survived…

“Ha, my sweet boy,” she said putting her hand on his thigh, “at some point you realize that trying to make it go away becomes trying to erase yourself.”

Jay nodded. He felt bad drudging this all up for her. “I’m sorry… you don’t have to….”

“I never used to speak about it. Even my own children only knew a few flimsy details for most of their lives. You know there was no therapy or advice in those days… there was just put your head down and keep going.”

She had a captive audience with Jay.

“I just worked and worked and worked – anything to keep my mind from sitting idle. Stillness meant time to think. Time to think was…”

“Dangerous,” Jay finished her sentence. She nodded in agreement.

“When I retired 20 years ago, suddenly, the only thing I had was time to think. I hated it. Until one day my granddaughter came to interview me for a project at school. She had to write an essay on anyone that was alive during a war. She chose me.

“I don’t know what came over me but when she asked questions, I answered them honestly, fully. Later that night my son called me in tears. He knew I was in the war, but he didn’t know… you know?”

Jay nodded.

“After the war I was in a displaced persons camp,” she started. “I spent months trying to find out about my parents, my brother and two sisters. One by one I learned they all had been killed. It was just me. I was the “lucky” one – when I arrived at the camp a soldier thought I had good hands for sewing so they put me to work sewing uniforms.  I had my mother’s hands; it took me a long time to stop wondering why this soldier saw the value of my hands but not hers. She went to the gas chambers.”

Jay put his good hand over hers. He was equal parts uncomfortable with where this was going – yet safe in the recognizable abyss of shame and guilt.

“Everything reminded me of them and my time in the camp. Eating reminded me of the hunger pains, singing reminded me of the songs my siblings and I would sing at home, sewing and cooking reminded me of my mother’s hands, laughing reminded me of the laughter they would never experience again, falling in love…. Living itself was a trigger.”

Jay was engrossed. While their experiences were completely different, the shame a survivor of extreme trauma carries has a familiar dense and catastrophic weight.

“Do you still feel that way?” Jay asked with all the sincerity in his soul.

“Oh no. Guilt is the most useless emotion humans have,” she said lovingly.

“But how did you let it go?”

Esther laughed. “Oh, darling you know the phrase when you are going through hell just keep going? Well, that’s what I did. Eating rich food made me sick. So, I kept eating. Lighting candles on Friday evenings brought me to my knees with grief. So, I kept lighting them. Falling in love with my Albert filled me with guilt for moving on. So, I leaned into loving him more. Bearing children haunted my heart as my sisters would never do the same. So, I had 3 more. I didn’t let it go, I multiplied the depth of my pain and guilt into a greater capacity to love and empathize.”

She took his hand and squeezed it. “In the end what I realized was I wanted a posthumous victory. My family was obliterated, all gone. Hitler himself was dead. But if I found ways to live a good fulfilling life, then I beat the evil.”

“You have to find a way to beat the evil and be the victor too,” she said putting her hand under his chin and lifting it up, forcing eye contact.

Jay turned bright red. How did she know? What did she know?

“Don’t look at my like that with those green eyes,” she said. I know, I know.”

-----------------------------------------

Hailey flopped down on yet another mattress.

“Have we found our Goldilocks?” Kevin asked.

Kevin was on crutches with his busted ankle, which meant desk duty.

He was bored to tears and more than happy to volunteer himself to go mattress shopping with Hailey.

“I think this one is too soft,” Hailey said overwhelmed with the sea of options before them.

“Upton, this is the 15^th we’ve tried. You sure this is about mattresses?” Kevin said sitting on the bed, leaning with his crutches in his hand.

“I want to get this right,” she said rubbing her temple. “But it’s not right doing this without Jay.”

Kevin flopped down next to her.

“You know that man loves you with every stubborn cell in his body, right?” Kevin said sincerely.

“Kev you didn’t see his face or the contortion of his body. I don’t think it’s even about that stupid night with Will… well its part of it… but those monsters broke something inside him with the sexual assault and torment. It took me a while to fully understand but I think I trigger all that for him.”

Hailey paused, not wanting to betray Jay’s trust. But Kevin saw the video and he knew it all.

“Yeah, no shit,” Kevin said quickly.

He steadied himself up on his elbow. “Hailey this is not about Jay. This is about you,” he said trying to reach her.

“You and Will hurt him. It wasn’t on purpose. It was a mistake made in grief. Then he shows up clinging to life and you guys did what you had to do.”

Hailey let the stinging tears gently roll down her cheeks.

“It’s time to forgive yourself,” Kevin said taking her hand.

“If not for you than for him. You guys must be totally present to work past this. Only way that will be possible is if your guilt is not standing in that place between.”

Hailey let out a small, hitched sob.

“Hailey they are the ones that brutalized him, not you. They are the ones that deserve to carry the weight.  We are going to nail those bastards. And the universe will be restored to its natural order… Upstead forever…. Ok?”

She nodded as her eyes blubbered out her sadness.

“I’ll take this one,” she said collecting herself.

Kevin smiled and grabbed the sales slip from the mattress and offered Hailey a hand up.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay fumbled clumsily for his phone. It was 1045 PM, and his phone was ringing. These days not too many people were calling him – all his own doing of course -- so he was especially concerned and eager to answer.

He finally got the phone and saw it was Kim.

“Burgess, everything ok?”

“Yeah, it’s Makayla. She was having a rough time falling asleep. She’s been crying for a while. We’ve tried everything and even tried to reach her therapist….”

Before Kim could finish, Jay said, “put her on.”

“You sure?” she asked giving Jay an out.

“Put her on, Kim.”

“Kim hit the speaker button and Makalya left Adam’s embrace.

“Hey Mak, you there? “

“Uncle Jay?” she said trying to stifle her cries.

“Yeah , I’m here. I hear you are having a hard time. If you are comfortable telling me about it, I am here to listen.’

Makayla looked at her parents. They begrudgingly got up and left the room. They slid on the floor with their heads against her closed bedroom door. They could hear but at a respectable distance.

“Jay?”

“I’m here Mak. Take a few breaths. We have all the time in the world.”

“Today at school a few kids were playing cops and robbers and they arrested me and put me in jail in the closet. It only lasted a minute….”

“Take your time. Take all the time you need.”

“You know that scary, icky feeling we talked about before?” she asked.

“Yeah, Mak, I do. It’s the worst,” Jay sincerely empathized.

“The good thing is we both know what it is when we feel it. We know if feels so real but it’s not.”

“Yeah,” she answered.

“I call my yucky feeling, Reggie,” Jay said.

“Whaaaaat?” Makayla shrieked in laughter.

“Yup. Whenever I get panicked and scared, I start talking to my anxiety like it’s a person. Oh Reggie don’t you dare come and ruin my day today! Ugh Reggie you don’t scare me!” Jay said in a pretend tough guy voice.

Makayla was overcome with hysterical laughter at this point.

“What should we name your icky, scary feelings?” he asked.

“Ummmmm… Bruno!” Makayala said in a sweet giggle.

“We gonna talk about Bruno-o-o,” Jay began to sing in the We don’t talk about Bruno tune everyone knows so well from Encanto.

That put Makayla over the edge -- all the sorrow from before was drown out by connecting with and feeling seen by her uncle and confidante that understood all too well the horrible combination of anxiety and shame.

Adam and Kim sat behind the door holding hands listening to her laughter. Listening to Jay’s uncharacteristic silliness with their girl.

Smiles and tears filled the hallway that night.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Kim and Adam continued their stake out near Sasha’s house.

“That cleaning service comes 3x a week, a little much no?” Kevin asked as they watched the cleaning woman unload her car.

Kim took a photo of the woman donning a baseball cap and scarf and ran it through C-Pic. Her face was so covered it was hard to get a good angle. “Its Ilayna,” Kevin said as he picked up the phone to call Voight.

“Voight, she’s been at his house from the beginning, posing as a cleaning service.”

“Leave her be now,” Voight ordered. “We will get her later, when she doesn’t have Sasha to protect or intimidate her.”

Kim texted Hailey. “We are getting closer.”

They were all committed to finding a way to ensure Makayla’s and Jay’s safety at any cost.

Adam rubbed his hands over his face.

“Same dream? You were tossing and turning all night,” Kim asked.

“Yeah. Mak and Jay are lined up and I have to choose which one to shoot. I hesitate for a second and then shoot Jay and he falls to the ground with his eyes open staring back at me.”

“Adam, you should talk to someone to help wade through all this. Jay doesn’t hold you responsible for what happened. He chose to be taken instead of Mak. That is not on you,” she offered rubbing his arm.

“Kim, I fell asleep. They just walked out with him in broad day light. I was fucking asleep!”

“You were drugged. You had no idea, no control.”

Adam pounded his fist into the dashboard. “Kim, they hurt him so badly. He will have to carry that forever. It happened on my watch. My watch.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will was back at work. He looked worse than he felt. He was so happy he and Jay broke down some walls between them.

Will understood now. He’d be there, be present. Even if it hurt. Even if it was awkward.

“How are you feeling?” he texted Jay.

… Will kept looking at his phone to see if Jay would respond but it was stuck on the dreaded … for a while.

“I think I’m snoring like an animal thanks to this,” Jay finally wrote back with a picture of his swollen/black and blue face. “Sorry I’m slow with this one hand typing gig.”

“Shift ends at 7. Maybe I can swing by with pizza for the second period of the Hawks game?” Will wrote hoping he wasn’t pushing it too far.

…. Again. Slow typing Jay was going to be the death of Will.

“K. No anchovies PLEASE, you know the smell corrupts the whole box,” Jay responded.

Will smirked. They always fought over toppings. He loved anchovies and always wanted half the pie to include them, and Jay swore they permeated everything ruining the whole pie.

Later that night Will swung by. He was taken aback by the simple and institutional feel of Jay’s place. He’d be getting him out of there as soon as possible.

They sat together mostly in quiet -- eating and watching. Will would walk over and replace Jay’s ice packs, make sure everything was elevated properly, and Jay would allow it without so much as a blink.

Jay got a laugh in when Will realized the acidity of the pizza sauce made his stitches burn on his lip. “I am so glad I amuse you,” he sarcastically said with a big smile. Truth be told he was glad. He was unbelievably glad to be connecting with his brother again.

So much was swirling in Jay’s mind. He desperately wanted to take the wisdom and hard-fought lessons Ethan and Esther graciously gave to him so freely. If he could reach over to Will to say thank you and I forgive you – he would. He was getting closer. Jay desperately wanted to coax his sorrow into courage so he could be the man Hailey, Will, and his family deserved.

Of course wanting to and actually overcoming the ravages of rape, torture, and starvation were two different things.

It took Ethan years, it took Esther a lifetime… Jay had to start somewhere.

“Hey, could you help me with something?” Jay asked.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey came into work a little early. She had to run a few documents over to the Ivory Tower. When she arrived, she saw a Snickers Bar on her desk – the one Esther had tossed on Jay’s lap earlier that week.

A post-it with what appeared to be Jay’s handwriting just a bit messier said, “I still can’t believe you eat this stuff. But after such a shitty year you deserve something sweet. Careful not to get any on your mouth ;).

Hailey flashed to that memory of eating a chocolate bar in the truck and Jay trying to wipe away a smudge on the rim of her mouth. She was deep in the her comforting memory when she heard Kevin and Dante come bounding up the stairs.

“They trailed Makayla today,” Kevin said doing his best to move swiftly on his still healing ankle. He pulled out his phone with images of two of Sasha’s men outside the recess gate.

Kim and Adam bolted out of their seats, “let’s go,” Adam shouted as they ran off to get Makayla from school.

“Really green ski cap?” Jay texted Voight.

It was Jay’s way of saying I know you are watching me.

Voight smirked. “I liked the grey one from two weeks ago better, or even the blue one from last month,” Jay continued. Now Voight smiled. He shouldn’t be surprised that Jay picked up on his tail of him a long time ago.

As the van came around the corner Jay waved and smiled at Hank.

He waited for Jay to get on and followed. Two blocks from Spring Valley was a turn toward the 21^st. Hank took it and headed to work.

As he got out of the car by roll up, a call from Dante came in.

“You have eyes on Halstead?” He asked intensely.

“No he’s at Spring Valley for the day, why?” Hank barked back.

“They are at Makayla’s school now, Ruzek and Burgess are en-route.”

“Send patrol to her school and Spring Valley. You and Upton bring in Ilayna. Atwater is still not 100% yet have him stay as point man in the office.”

“Boss you think they know we are zeroing in on Ilayna and the girl?”

Hank didn’t answer. Sasha made a grave mistake reneging on their deal. Pure malice was seeping from his pores as he frantically dialed Jay.

---------------------------

Jay had just put his cellphone on silent and in his pocket out of respect for Fred’s strict phone policy during PT. He rolled up to the Spring Valley entrance. He was getting better going further distances with one hand.

Esther had just arrived as well and tried to catch up to him. Jay gave a genuine smile before slipping her a Twix bar.

“My favorite, you get two for one,” she smiled.

Jay didn’t know how to say thank you in an artful way- in a way that could convey how much her words hit him in damaged places he had yet to make visible to anyone. He was cradled by the depths of her heart and experiences so that his shame didn’t feel exposed, it felt seen and understood.

“Thank you, Esther.” He didn’t know what else to say so he let his eyes speak.

“Would you please put those eyes elsewhere?” she said patting him on the cheek. They both smiled and communicated that we don’t need to say more. We know, we feel, we get it.

Jay slowly began to roll next to Esther as they proceeded to go inside.

They were about to reach the sensor that opened the automatic sliding doors to the building when two men behind them said, “not so fast little pig.”

Chapter Text

Jay froze. He knew that voice, that accent, those words. He absorbed them on a cellular level.

Esther didn’t like the tone the man took. At 94 years old, the woman still had solid survival instincts intact.

Jay turned his chair to come face to face with Vasyl and Maxim.

“Esther head on in, I’ll meet you inside,” Jay said calmly and firmly - not moving his eyes from the men that stood before him.

“We missed you, just swinging by to say hello,” Maxim said as he aggressively flinched in Jay’s direction.

Jay was ready to fight if needed, but really didn’t want to put Esther through witnessing something difficult. He knew Hank made a deal for his and Makayla’s safety. They were here to mess with him but not something worse. His detective instincts were quickly ushered to the surface.

What Jay didn’t consider is that Esther could hold her own.

Before Maxim made contact, he was tripped, and face planted on the ground.

The culprit? Esther’s walker.

“Oh dear, clumsy me,” she said with sarcasm and authority as she purposely moved the walker around to make it hard for him to get back up.

Sirens began to sound from a distance.

Vasyl came and grabbed Esther by the arm as Maxim angrily wiped all the dirt off of his face and clothing as he stood up from his embarrassing fall.

Esther’s stealthy move had bought them precious seconds.

“Let her go,” Jay snapped fiercely as Maxim came at Jay a second time. While Jay’s chair was quickly flipped backwards by Maxim, the physicality of his fall awoken something in him. He had to react to the physical before thinking, he could fight back. For the first time in too long he acted on his highly attuned and trained instincts, his anxiety didn’t have a chance to creep in.

Sure he wasn’t at full strength, but the fighter…turns out the fighter in him had always remained. Just needed a little poke to reawaken.

Jay took his good leg and kicked Maxim with all his limb had to give. Maxim didn’t see it coming and fell on his behind.

“Maxim vstavay, oni idut. my dolzhny tol'ko napugat' yego,” his partner shouted. (get up they are coming; we are only supposed to scare him).

Tires screeched and Hank came bounding out of the car. He flew out like a bat out of hell, and yanked Maxim off the ground with the strength of ten men.

“Hey, hey relax Sergeant Voight. We meant no disrespect, just came to say hello to our old friend here, “Vasyl said trying to diffuse the situation.”

Hank came over and lifted Jay’s wheelchair up as he reached a hand to Jay to help hoist him back in.

“Knocking a man out of his wheelchair is just saying hi?” Hank growled.

“I accidentally tripped over him. Nice to see you too Sergeant Voight,” Maxim said as he regained his composure and wiped a trickle of blood from his nose.

“They messed with an innocent bystander Hank. It’s one thing to mess with me, but…”

Hank didn’t need to hear anything more and went to arrest Maxim and Vasyl.

“What it’s illegal to say hello to an old friend?” Vasyl smirked as Hank cuffed him and read him his rights. Patrol arrived and did the same with Maxim.

“Book them on aggravated assault. I’ll meet you back at the 21^st to handle,” Hank ordered the patrol officers.

Hank went to look Jay over and took out his phone.  Before he could say anything, Jay put up his hand, “Hank no. I’m fine. Do not call an ambulance. The staff here can check me out, but I am telling you I am fine.”

Hank saw a fierceness that he hadn’t seen in Jay since his return. Seeing those animals near Jay again ticked every sensitive button in his being. But seeing a spark in Jay meant something even more. Against his better judgment he trusted his boy’s autonomy and conviction.

-----------------------------------------

Adam arrived at the 21^st. Kim took Makayla home.

The men that came to the schoolyard said hello to her and that they were old friends of Adam. Thankfully her security detail photographed them and immediately sent the photos to Intelligence.

To say Adam was seething was an understatement. Voight arrived a few minutes later.

“Adam hold,” Voight said putting his hand up.

“Jay ok?” Adam asked with vitriol in his voice.

“Yes. They didn’t have a chance to do much. They showed up to tell us they know we are on to them and that they can act at any moment. I have two patrol units at the rehab center and two at your place until we get this straightened out.”

Adam punched the desk. “Boss…Makayla and Jay can’t go on living like this forever.”

“They aren’t going to have to,” Voight said as he saw Hailey come up the stairs.

“We have Ilayna and Alexa. Dante is with them in the break room.”

Hailey came over holding two bricks of heroin.

“You, me, and Kev,” Voight said, looking at her.

Hailey followed the men into the break room. Hank glanced at her and she took the cue.

“Hi sweetie, my name is Hailey. My friends are going to talk to your Mommy for a few minutes and you and I will stay here and color. Sound good?”

Alexa nodded.

Ilayna got up and walked to the interrogation room with Hank and Kevin. Her protruding stomach apparent to everyone.

Hank slammed two bricks of heroin on the table.

“That is not mine,” she said without flinching. “I have nothing to do with wherever that came from. I want to speak to my lawyer.”

Hank was pleased. “Of course, go right ahead, we will make the call for you.”

---------------------------------------

“Exciting morning,” Matteo said as he checked Jay over.

Jay was a little distant, off deep in thought.

“Alright man you look ok to me. You sure nothing hurts?”

“Yeah,” Jay said trying to pull himself back from the memory hole that sucked him down.

“Esther ok?” Jay asked now back in reality.

“She’s fine,” Matteo smirked. “Angry she didn’t push the other one over too,” he added with a laugh.

Jay smiled, trying not to reveal how much Esther meant to him in the short time they had known one another.

“Ok well you are officially off RICE protocol today. So I better not see your ass in that chair by the end of the day,” Matteo said trying to get his friend’s attention.

Jay just smiled and nodded.

For the rest of the day Fred was teaching Jay to walk with a new walking boot that would take some of the weight off his leg, but still allow him to be upright and able to continue his physical progression.

“Between the boot and the crutches or the cane you got this bud,” Fred assured as their session wrapped up.

---------------------------

Dr. Goldin was in his office trying to catch up on paperwork. Ever since the debacle with Hailey, Jay hadn’t been back for his 2X week sessions. Nonetheless Dr. Goldin kept the appointment on the books in hopes Jay would return when he was ready.

So when a knock on the door revealed Jay shuffling in confidently, he did everything in him not to suppress the giant smile forming.

“Jay it’s good to see you on your feet,” Dr. Goldin said as he made space for his patient to come and sit down.

Jay took a deep breath. He was ready to own up.

“I’m sorry I missed so many appointments. I needed… needed some time to let things marinate.”

Dr. Goldin chuckled. “I’m not sure I’ve ever heard marinate used that way.”

Jay didn’t mince words. The sleeping lion in him was awakened. He wanted to take control of his life, not waste another minute more.

“I’ve done everything you asked… every therapeutic technique. Meditating, journaling, group art therapy, getting my heart rate up every day, practicing getting it back down…hell I’ve even been reading all those poetry books you recommended… and I still cannot be near my wife without have an uncontrollable panic attack,” Jay said in frustrated desperation. “Since I was a kid if there was something I wanted and I put my whole self into it, well, I always achieved it. Until now.”

“That Rumi poem you shared with me after I found out about Will and Hailey…”

“Yeah, what about it?” Dr. Goldin replied carefully.

“I am ready to learn how to wash away my shame,” Jay said in a whisper.

Dr. Goldin continued to hide his delight that Jay was finally cracking open.

“Jay, remember you told me you that you think one of the reasons you thrived in Intelligence is because you loved getting lost in a case? Being in an interrogation room 1-1. Listening to their story. Focusing on their problem. A problem that you had the training and expertise to address. There’s something about other people that neutralizes any other stressors in your mind.”

“Yeah, not always the healthiest coping technique, I’d lose myself in a case, in a person.”

“That’s just it. There are many different approaches to help patients regulate, but we all fall into the trap of trying to find that  one“magic-bullet” treatment that will solve the problem. When what truly regulates people is another person that they trust. That is the basis of effective therapy.

“I’m working on that… I’m reconnecting with Will and my team… albeit slowly, but I am not in full avoidance mode anymore.”

Dr. Goldin moved over to his computer and hit a few keys. He walked over to the printer and handed a few pages to Jay.

“You have profound trauma that has led to an inability to process normal stimuli and resulted in some functional disability. 

The goal of our work together is to enable you to re-regulate in body and spirit.”

Glancing over the document Jay looked up, “100 Ways to Make Love, Without Making Love…. Are you serious? I think they handed a pamphlet like this out when I was a 9^th grader in Catholic school learning about abstinence.”

His doctor smirked. They were finally going to dig deep.

“Jay she is not just your wife. She is your person. She is your neutralizing force. I get that right now she is unintentionally triggering. What lays before us is the real therapeutic work. It’s not just about the how, it’s also the who.”

Jay listened. He wants it to be true. God let it be true.

“Let’s set some goals. Small ones that will lead to achieving bigger ones,” Dr. Goldin suggested.

“Right now you have intense PTSD which is not only understandable given your circumstances, it is expected. Our work is to get you to PTG – post traumatic growth. You in?”

Jay looked over the suggestions completely confused as to how this would help, and he looked up.

“You purposefully had Esther put in my therapy group, didn’t you?”

Dr. Goldin couldn’t contain his smile any longer. “How they hell did this kid figure that out?” He thought.

“I thought it was odd I was placed with a woman pushing 100 with a busted hip. We aren’t exactly on the same PT plan. But you knew her story, didn’t you? You knew she went through experiences a thousand times worse than me and clawed her way back!”

“Sniffing up the wrong tree detective.”

“I don’t buy that,” Jay snapped back.

“Ok, ok. Busted. But you have Matteo and Fred to thank for that stroke of genius. I just signed off on it.”

Jay was bowled over by that. By the nature of his physical state over the past months, he had shared some pretty intimate moments with his caretakers and fermented a special connection. But to think they went that far to figure out how to surround him with support and heart during his self-imposed isolation from his loved ones… that may be the kindest thing anyone had ever done for him. In his vulnerable nakedness, they ensured he was clothed in the most loving layers they could conjure.

The list of who he was fighting for just grew two names longer.

“You didn’t answer my question. Are you in?” Dr. Goldin pressed.

Jay looked back at his marching orders on the paper. “Yeah, I’m in.”

------------------------------------------

It was getting late. Like wee hours of the morning into the next day late. Ilayna’s lawyer was stonewalling as expected. She wouldn’t even admit she knew Sasha.

Adam and Kim went home to be with Mak after their anxiety riddled day.

Hailey, Kevin, and Dante were trying to grind out every last detail they could find to help Hank.

Hailey desperately wanted to go see Jay. Will had snuck in that snickers bar with a little post-it note from her husband. It was simple, sweet, and unfussy.

It was unequivocally Jay.

She knew her man. He was telling her he was trying to find his way back. Now Hailey had to figure out how to pace her fluttering heart to not just rush right into his arms.

First, she had to make sure Jay and Makayla would never be terrorized by Sasha’s crew again.

Hank sat at his desk waiting. He had a plan and could not rush things. It was taking full restraint to not just go and throttle the life out of Sasha.

If patience was a virtue, Hank Voight was a saint right now.

Luckily his patience would be rewarded. A little while later Kevin appeared at his door. “Boss,” he said tipping his head for Voight to come.

“Sasha is downstairs, steam coming out of his ears,” Kevin smirked.

----------------------------------------------------

Hank comes down the stairs and gives Trudy a look.

Within seconds Sasha is barreling towards him with an aggressive growl. “We had a deal,” Sasha barked.

“Hey, we don’t need an audience, lets head upstairs.”

Sasha follows him to a break room.

“You are going to let her go right now or what we did to your boy the first go round will look like child’s play,” the drug lord yelled in Hank’s face.

Hank smiled. Pushed Sasha’s hand out of his face.

“I don’t think so,” he said. “I think you and your boys are going to prison for a long long time, and Jay and Makayla will live long uneventful lives,” he said back calmly.

Sasha began to laugh. “We had a deal and you had to go snooping around. I just sent my men to remind you that I can mess with your people anytime I want,” Sasha spat back.

“Your “friend” Ilayna has been arrested for carrying two kilograms of uncut heroin in her car.”

“That is impossible. She has nothing to do with this. You leave her out of our dealings. We handle this man to man.”

“Oh I intend to do just that. You see I know Ilayna has a little girl that happens to look a lot like you. If you want the mother of your child to stay out of prison, and your daughter to stay out of foster care then I suggest we make a deal. The clock is ticking.”

“You aren’t listed on the birth certificate. The Feds and so many others are looking for you. So if you try to come forward to claim her, they’ll just arrest your ass anyway. You got sloppy showing up here.”

“What the hell do you want?” Sasha said gritting his teeth.

“I want you and the four men that tortured Jay to go to prison. In exchange I make this heroin bust disappear.”

Sasha looked at him with daggers coming out of his eyes.

“Oh and in the future if any bad luck should befall Jay, Makayla, or anyone on my team… should a bolt of lightning strike them, or a car hit them…. should they break a fucking nail…. I will arrest your baby mama and throw your kid in foster care quicker than you can say, gotcha.”

Sasha sat in stunned silence. He wasn’t a man that was bossed around. He didn’t care about the fate of his men, they were expendable. But to give up his own freedom? For a narcissist the size of Nebraska that was a tool order.

“Either way you are going to prison. We got you. You leave my people alone and I won’t put the dogs on you in prison and I'll leave your family be,” Hank added.

“I can hold Ilayna another 19 hours. The decision is yours,” Hank said as he left the room.

----------------------------------------

Hailey came home around 5 AM. Exhausted beyond any possible belief after nearly 40 hours on her feet. She threw her keys on the console and emptied her pockets. That is when she felt the snickers jammed in her pocket send a little pulse of love into her heart.

She squeezed it gently. She knew Jay’s healing had to take its natural course. She knew Jay was triggered painfully by her.

She had to trust in the intangible enchantment they shared nestled in memories like the chocolate smudge on her face inside his truck. That mystical connection was still there, that much she knew to be true. It was taking all her will power to trust that its powers were readying to conjure some magic.

---------------------------------

Jay was back on the parallel bars. Fred was running late, so Matteo was running through the results of his latest scans as Jay confidently walked back on forth.

“So what does all that mean?” Jay asked trying to cut to the chase.

“It means your bone scans are in normal range. That calcium trial worked. Your bones are as strong as mine, my man,” Matteo grinned.

“Does that mean what I think it means?” Jay looked up hopefully.

“Your BMI is back in normal range. Only 10 lbs. shy of your pre-abduction weight. So yes, it means exactly that. ALL weight bearing and movement RESTRICTIONS ARE OFF.”

Jay was too shocked to react. From the day he awoke in the hospital he had a borderline unhealthy focus with returning to his former abilities. For so long it seemed like a pipe dream to many, even to him at times. Now he was one huge leap closer to that reality.

“You’ve been working so hard in the pool and in the gym, the muscle strength is there, you just have to trust in that and get confident,” Matteo said.

Jay was letting it all sink in. Matteo went to put his iPad down and help another patient when Jay just went for it.

He walked to the end of the parallel bars and decided to do what he had been dreaming about for months.

He took a deep breath and stepped off the soft cushioning beneath the bars onto the floor. His leg still had the cast and boot, but he was assured it was a “walking boot.”

He took a few wobbly steps but tried to channel some of Matteo’s words, “trust in the work you put in.”

His few wobbly steps turned into a few more. As his confidence grew so did his speed.

Matteo looked up to his cowboy patient going rogue. “Jay! Don’t do that unattended!”

His words startled Jay, and he lost his balance a little and began hopping on his good leg trying to slow down.

He was about to fall down when he collided with Adam who had just walked into the PT gym.

“Wooooww!! I got you brother,” he said as he caught Jay before he hit the floor.

Those words hit Jay unexpectedly, but he pulled himself away from disassociating. The therapy was working in small ways that led to big differences in his life.

“Thanks Ruz,” Jay said as they both sat on the floor unable to hold back laughter.

“Dude did you just walk on your own?” Adam asked as Matteo and another nurse came over.

Matteo saw Jay seemed to be fine. He had to remind himself that Jay was no longer his vulnerable and delicate patient. He was an increasingly independent outpatient that was just fine.

“Lunch?” Adam asked.

----------------------------------

“So how much longer will you be in PT?” Adam asked as he took a big bite of his sandwich.

“I’m not really sure. Fred is convinced that the muscle and conditioning is there It’ll just take a minute to acclimate.”

“I can finally some light at the end of the tunnel and it feels so damn good,” Jay said. His eyes darted down, and Adam took notice.

“You alright man?”

“Yeah, yeah fine. It’s just I dreamt so long about this moment. The physical part of recovery felt insurmountable throughout a lot of this, and now…”

Adam understood. Jay’s internal trauma was a whole different mountain to climb.

“You are not hungry?” Adam asked glancing at Jay’s half eaten sandwich and mountain of French fries left on his plate.

“Oh I am good man. One of the side effects from the starvation was I just can’t eat a lot now.  I do a lot of small meals throughout the day.”

Adam was doing his best to not let his guilt rear its ugly head.

Like the good detective and friend that he was, Jay read him like a book.

“You had nothing to do with what happened to me. You know that right?”

Adam tried to meet the moment with the respect that it deserved… that Jay deserved. But his eyes only could hold connection for a moment before looking away.

“Ruz, if I had to do it all over again I'd make the same choices. You had no idea what was transpiring. It wasn’t your fault. If those animals took Mak, none of us would ever sleep a day in our lives again. If it were you, Kev, Voight, any of us we would have all made the same choice. Please don’t walk around carrying guilt about me,” Jay implored trying to show the authenticity of his feelings so Adam would believe.

“Jay, man, I know I get that logically I do. Bottom line is we are supposed to have each other’s sixes and I was there. They walked right out with you, and I was right fucking there!” Adam yelped pounding his fist on the table.

If Jay was embarrassed by the other patrons seeing that little outburst, he didn’t let it on.

“I’m so sorry man. You protected her and paid such a steep price. I will never be ok with that,” Adam added with a lower more sheepish tone.

Adam’s eyes finally met Jay’s.

“This morning when you caught me at Spring Valley you said, I got you brother,” Jay said catching Adam off guard.

Adam was confused by where Jay was going with that.

“I don’t remember much good about the day you found me in that crate.”

Adam’s anger from before was now welling up into deep sadness. He fought back tears, “ Jay….”

“It’s ok Adam really I am just being real with you trying to let go some of my own shame. If there is one thing I am learning in all this therapy is not to be afraid of the negative emotions. Which as you know, doesn’t come naturally to me,” Jay gave a little smirk.

Adam nodded trying to compose himself.

“I was dying, and I knew it. Please don’t tell Hailey or Will or anyone else…I just can’t go there with them yet. But Ruz I had given up. I wanted death to come at that point,” Jay now getting a little shaky.

“The first lifeline I remember, the one that still rings loudly in my head is being in your and Kevin’s arms and hearing “I got you brother. We got you brother.”

They were both letting the tears fall silently.

“Ruz when that guilt or shame or whatever the hell you want to call it comes for tea, invite it in, pour a cup. It will come and then it will go. And if you are struggling reach out to me because just like you had me, “I got you brother,” and I always will.”

Jay laughed to cut the tension a bit. “I am the last person who should be doling out advice about dealing with guilt and shame.”

Jay and Adam had been friends for over ten years. They shared a trust and love that was always unspoken but there without question.

This was different. Adam shook his head yes through the release of all his tension via tears. Jay unexpectedly felt a release too. For the first time he began to speak of some of his shame out loud. As he recommended to Adam, he let the shame in and confronted it. Now it could leave for a while.

----------------------------------------------------------

Hank was called to the Ivory Tower. He tried to push it off for a few hours to wrap up Sasha, but the ask turned into an order. He was to report immediately.

When he walked into the Chief of Police’s office the tension nearly knocked the old battle axe over.

The Chief cut right to the chase.

“Is it true that you had Alexander Shusterovich in custody for months and you cut some bullshit deal with him to keep him out of prison?” he screamed.

Hank took a moment. He feared news would spread and the hammer would come down.

“Voight, answer me goddamnit! Was the biggest drug kingpin in Illinois in your hands and you let him go?????”

“Robert let’s get one thing straight. I have put the needs of this city first every goddamn day of my life. Every choice I have ever made was for Chicago.”

Steam was coming out of his ears so furiously you could almost see it.

“Jay Halstead put the needs of this city first every day of his life too. The only reason Sasha was apprehended in the first place was because of Jay’s abduction and all he had to endure. So you can get off your high horse right about now,” he fumed.

“You didn’t answer my question, Hank!!”

“You want an answer. You are damn straight I cut a deal. You know what those animals did to Halstead. Did anyone from the Ivory Tower come visit him? NO! When I came to you asking for the Union to kick in for Jay’s care so he didn’t have to be at a state-run institution did you give two shits? NO!!!”

“When it became clear that they were threatening him and others on my team, I did what I had to do. I did what you wouldn’t. Protect our own.”

“Hank I know you love your people. And what happened to Halstead was a tragedy, but that doesn’t excuse letting one of the nastiest dope dealers roam the streets.”

“You think I am going to let that heinous piece of garbage roam the streets for long? After all the lives he has ruined here? After he tortured Jay like an animal? Give me another day and I’ll have Sasha wrapped up with a little bow for you.”

--------------------------------------------

Adam came back to the 21^st a little late due to his time with Jay.

He took off his jacket and dove right in. “Where are we with this prick?”

“7 more hours until the deadline Hank set,” Kim answered.

“So we wait? He asked. “We wait,” she nodded.

“Maybe we kill some time at Mak’s skating lessons? He asked.

-------------------------------------------------

They all needed to distract themselves from the “Sasha” clock that felt like it was moving backwards,

So Hailey, Dante, and Kevin joined Kim and Adam at Makayla’s skating practice.

Hailey immediately caught him out of the corner of her eye.

Jay was leaning over the rink. Makayla was working on spins and he was shouting something to her with a smile on his face.

When Makayla came out of her spin, she looked up at him and laughed.

The team made their way down to the ground level.

For the first time in forever when Jay turned around and saw Hailey he smiled and didn’t look away.

“Hey,” she said. “Hey,” he answered trying and failing not to bat his soft green eyes out of the grip of her blue magnets.

Mustering up the courage he had been working on honing. “It’s good to see you,” he smiled softly.

My god what that smile did to her heart. It took all the self-restraint she had not to kiss him right then and there.

The rest of the team were so happy to see them connecting, they quietly walked away to give them space.

“So, I uh, I wanted to ask you something,” he continued.

Hailey smiled back at him. He could literally ask her anything and she would say yes and how high do you want me to jump.

Jay reached into his pocket and unfolded a piece of paper.

The title caught her eye immediately.

“I know this is a little backwards given that we are already married…. But how would you feel trying to tackle this list together?”

“100 ways to make love, without making love? I am in,” she beamed back.

“I know this is beyond lame and very junior high, but ah…”

“Jay what is it?”

“Dr. Goldin recommends we have a chaperone, at least at first…” Jay said now hovering right around mortified.

“Jay,” she began when her phone buzzed.

The rest of the team looked at her waving their hands for everyone to go.

“I have to get back to work. But I’m in Jay. I am all in.”

-----------------------------------------------

Back at the 21^st Hank was pushing the team.

“Sasha is playing games. I don’t like how he is waiting for the last minute. We need a final nail in the coffin.”

“I think I have it,” Hailey said.

“What is the one thing Sasha doesn’t have? The thing you and Adam took away?”

“His son,” Hank answered.

“I know he cares about his daughter and that is why he is struggling with what his next move is. But there is something he cares about even more. You saw Ilayna, she is pregnant.”

“Hailey, Kim go,” Hank ordered. They only could hold her for a few more hours and the clock was ticking.

----------------------------------

“You can’t keep him me here much longer,” Ilayna barked as Kim and Hailey pulled up chairs.

“That Is not my drugs and you know it,” she continued.

“What we know is that 2 kilograms of heroin were found in YOUR car. The same car you drove around with minors in tow.”

“My lawyer said you have to let me go by 9 PM.”

“That is true,” Kim agreed.  “But if 9PM comes and Sasha doesn’t make a deal, you will not be going anymore for 15-20 years.”

“Bullshit,” Ilayna spat out.

“Hailey can you read the minimum sentence for having that much heroine with intent to distribute and endangering a minor,” Kim asked.

“Wait, wait. What is it that you want?” Ilayna said with her hand up in the air.

“You were at your obstetrician when we arrested you,” Hailey said.

“Yeah… so….”

“What were you doing there?” Hailey continued.

“You see I am pregnant. I was getting my 20-week scan.

“And you were alone? No father of the baby with you?” Kim asked surprised.

“The father only cares if it’s a boy. He hasn’t been very hands on. I haven’t had a chance to tell him yet because you are keeping me here for bullshit reasons.  You have to let me go. Things will be better once he knows,” Ilayna begged.

Hailey and Kim softly smirked at one another.

---------------------------------------------------

Hank came back to the room Sasha was waiting in.

“Congrats, it’s a boy. You are having a son,” he said as he threw down the ultrasound picture and report Ilayna gave to Kim and Hailey.

Sasha looked at the report in disbelief.

“You don’t believe me I can have an ultrasound technician here in an hour,” he said.

Tears began to well in Sasha’s eyes. “You took my son from me. You mother fucker,” he added.

In that moment Hank knew he had him.

------------------------------------------------------

Jay was tossing and turning. Another night, another nightmare.

He was making some incremental progress with processing his trauma by day, but the night was a different story. That was when the demons came out to make him feel like smallest speck of matter on earth.

He was startled awake by a knock on the door. Stumbling out of bed he reached for his cane before deciding he could make it to the door just fine on his own.

“Jay open up, its Voight!”

He opened the door and waved Hank in.

“Sasha?” Jay asked bleary eyed.

He knew they were closing in. Hank would only show up at 3 AM for a good reason.

“They are all going away Jay. They will never touch a hair on your or Makayla’s head again.”

Jay didn’t need to ask details. They didn’t matter. He knew if Hank said it, he meant it.

“Thank you. I know you left no stone unturned,” Jay said looking at his boss.

“Jay, I failed in protecting you once. That will never happen again. You hear me?” Hank said directly in the way that only Hank Voight can.

“I know boss. I know. None of that was your fault. I told Adam and I am telling you no guilt ok? If you feel guilty that then makes me feel even worse. And I am doing whatever I can to let go of this.”

Hank nodded in agreement. “ No guilt,” he added, lying through his teeth.

Sensing his detective was feeling a little lost Hank checked in. “What’s up Halstead?”

“I’m supposed to feel something right? Its a big deal those guys are going away,” Jay asked with an earnest confusion.

“Kid you aren’t supposed to anything. This isn’t linear. You know that more than anyone.”

“Thanks for letting me know. And thank you for everything, really.”

Hank didn’t answer. If he did, he would break the promise he just made. If he shed tears right then and there Jay would have to carry his weight.

Instead he managed a smile not revealing the enormity of his guilt.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was 4 PM on Friday. Hailey was rushing to get to Spring Valley where she had arranged with Jay to meet to kick off tackling the list of 100 ways to make love without making love.

Kim and Adam, their chaperones, were already there yucking it up with some of the staff and patients as Jay wrapped up his weightlifting.

They both particularly got a kick out of Esther who was busting Jay’s chops for not wearing a warm enough coat. 

Hailey walked in and grinned at the scene. Jay looked up and couldn’t hide his joy when Hailey came into view. Hailey held a spell over Jay that anyone who was looking could see.

Esther watched the interaction and waddled over to Hailey. “So you are the one?” she said with an approving glance.

The depth of Esther’s eyes drew Hailey right in.

“Hi, I am Hailey,” she responded with a soft smile. So much of Jay’s world at Spring Valley was unknown to Hailey.

“Hailey. What a lovely name,” Esther said in her thick accent. Her walker had a little cushioned seat so she sat so they could converse more easily.

“I am Esther. Me and the boy have been lifting together,” she teased. “He is showing off because I am still on 2 lb. weights and he is lifting over 100lbs now.”

Hailey could tell Esther cared a lot about Jay just by the energy they shared in their knowing glances.

Esther took her hand, “he is a good boy. Some things aren’t a negative that turn into a positive. Some things are so awful they alter you forever. You show him the altered him is worthy and you two will be just fine.”

Esther carried so much authenticity in her demeaner that Hailey accepted her words for exactly what they were… advice from someone who cares, someone who knows.

Walking as confidently as ever Jay came over. “Don’t you give her a hard time, Esther.”

She reached into her pocket. “Have fun,” she said as she cupped a handful of Hershey kisses into Jay’s hand and another into Kim’s.

----------------------------------------------

The first activity on the list was to go and get ice cream.

If anyone felt any awkwardness about this middle school like double-date, they didn’t reveal it.

Hailey and Jay didn’t keep their distance per say, but they didn’t touch one another. This was all about getting comfortable in each other’s presence without the pressure of what physical contact could trigger.

For their part, Adam and Kim made the vibe relaxed and fun. They all shared laughs and spent most of the early evening catching Jay up on life in Chicago in the time he was gone both literally and physically.

“What you are telling me the perp you were chasing got his underwear stuck on a fence?” Jay said amused to the fullest extent.

“That’s the only way I caught him. Torres is fast as hell, but he was chasing the other guy,” Adam went on.

“Poor bastard gave himself a wedgie and got nailed by Adam’s slow ass as a result,” Kim said lost in full throttle laughter.

“Hey,” Adam said as he teasingly hit her arm.

“How is Torres working out?” Jay asked. He had worked with Dante the previous year and recommended him for the unit. But Jay was abducted before Dante joined the team.

“You were right. He’s quiet, smart as a whip, and has some of the best instincts I’ve ever seen,” Adam answered.

“No one replaces you Jay,” Kim said softly.

“Yeah, no I didn’t ask because of that. I am glad he is fitting in,” Jay responded trying to deflect any awkwardness from an otherwise lovely time.

After two hours it was time to get on with the night. Kim and Adam had to pick up Makayla from band practice.

“You sure you don’t want a lift home?” Kim asked.

“I’m fine the bus stop is right here,” Jay said pointing to the corner.

Adam and Kim hugged Jay and walked to wait by the jeep for Hailey.

“This was really nice,” she said looking directly at Jay. She was willing to go at a snail’s pace. But she was not willing to hold back on letting him know how she felt through visual cues.

“Thank you,” Jay choked out. It was nice. It was so unbelievably nice. It almost felt like normal. He wanted her with everything in him. Any hurt she and Will caused was eclipsed by their deep connection and loving understanding of one another.

Instead of leaning in for a kiss he fumbled to hand her a Hershey kiss from her pocket. He also took out the printout of their list.

“So what is number 2,” Hailey asked.

“A walk in the park,” Jay answered, smiling sweetly.

“Kev said he is around tomorrow,” Hailey chimed in. They had a chaperone at the ready.

“Northerly Island Park at 11 AM?” Jay asked.

“By the baseball field,” they both said at the same time.

The Q72 was at a red light near the corner. “That’s my ride,” Jay said.

“Good night Jay.”

“Good night Hailey.”

Their eyes locked. They both understood. They both were comforted by the accepting truth they found in one another

“Hey Jay!!” Hailey yelled as Jay began to walk to the bus stop.

“I love you,” she said louder than intended.

Jay looked away for a second. Not because he didn’t believe her, because his healing soul was struggling to hold that acceptance.

Esther’s words echoed in Hailey’s head.

“You can borrow my belief in you until you are ready to hold it yourself,” she added in a softer tone.

He heard every word, nearly knocking him over with the heft of their beautiful weight.

----------------------------------------

The following three months were good. Not easy but good.

Jay wasn’t walking anymore he was running. He still hadn’t reached his personal best from prior to the abduction but he was kicking asses and taking names in therapy.

He no longer went to Spring Valley 5x a week. He had sessions with Dr. Goldin and Fred 2x a week. The rest was up to him to do at home.

Jay and Hailey continued to go through the list Dr. Goldin assigned.

Walks in the park with Kevin, cooking class with Kim, movies with Makayla and Adam, picnic in the park with the whole team, visiting a library with Stella and Kelly, they even went bowling with Trudy and Voight (which was particularly awkward in all the best ways).

The big elephant in the room was hanging out with Will, Hailey and jay as a trio. They weren’t avoiding it in person, but Will never came up as a prospective chaperone.

As they ticked items off the list, their chaperones quietly pulled back. Remaining present while giving Jay and Hailey time to talk, to connect, to be intimate without being physically intimate.

It wasn’t perfect. But given where they were a few months ago, tremendous progress was brewing with each sweet little date.

“Wow, 87!” Dr. Goldin cheered.

“I am very impressed. How are you feeling as you near completing the list?”

“Mostly I feel great. This whole intimacy without touching thing has its merits. We are learning to communicate through non-physical cues on a whole new level. It’s kind of cool.”

“Mostly? Dr. Goldin pressed gently.

“Well we are close to finishing and I….”

Jay paused and Dr. Goldin waited.

“I am scared all the reasons her touch triggered me before haven’t gone away. We are almost done, and I am sure she expects to take things up a notch once we complete the 100 dates,” Jay confessed.

“Jay closure is dependent on your willingness to let go,” Dr. Goldin stated.

“I am trying to let go. I am working on not fearing my shame, confronting it like you said, until it passes. Sasha and those pieces of garbage are in prison. I am trying to let go of all of it….”

“That’s not exactly what I meant,” Dr. Goldin said.

“Then what?” Jay asked in earnest. He wanted to move on so badly.

“You need to let go of your vision of who you were Jay. You keep thinking you have to go back to be the Detective Jay Halstead that existed a year ago. That man was abducted, tortured, left for dead. Who you are now is not who you were then. The sooner you accept that the goal is not to get back to being that version of yourself, the goal is be the best version of who you have become.”

Oooohhh those words stung. The truth sometimes does, doesn’t it?

“Jay the tears you have shed have been asking.  Asking you to forgive yourself for having a completely human reaction to an inhumane reality. They are telling you breaking isn’t the same as being weak. Your virtues make you vulnerable. They are the defining factor of being human. A very good human to boot.”

Dr. Goldin had hit it on the head.

Part of what was holding him back was his embarrassment for what had changed within him.

Making love to his wife would be different now because he is a different man. The kind of detective he would be if he went back to work, would be perhaps more skittish and wiser than the one before. Everyone wouldn’t look at him like the bad ass can’t be broken Ranger he was, they’d look at him like a well-worn battle axe that had breaking points too.

He had been spending so much energy trying to get back to who he was, he had lost sight of the real journey… defining and accepting who was he now. How could he make meaning of it all and move forward?

“You got another poem to help tackle this one?” Jay asked with a smirk.

----------------------------------------

Hailey and Voight sat in his jeep. They were on a stake out with the rest of team.

“Johnson and Banks are leaving the apartment,” Adam radioed.

“Proceed with caution. They may be armed. Let’s scoop them up nice and easy,” Hank ordered.

Everyone broke off in pairs.

“Chicago PD put your hands up,” Hailey yelled out.

The men saw Hailey and Hank, Kevin and Torres on each side of the sidewalk. They ran.

“5021 Eddie,” in pursuit of two white male suspects red hoody, blue hat, and grey sweatshirt on Ravine and Crescent.

As the men tried to flee the scene they opened fire with wild abandon. Within the blink of an eye Hailey collapsed.

“5021 Ida,” get me an ambo, officer down.”

Hank caught up to Hailey laying on the sidewalk blood puddling underneath her.

She was gasping for air in unnatural way. “Goddamn it get, me that bus now!!!” Hank yelled into the radio.

-----------------------------------------------

“Oh oh oh you think you can just waltz in here and beat me at darts,” Will said as Jay stood laughing.

He had just hit two bullseyes in a row.

“I didn’t think anything. Not my fault you got no game,” Jay retorted.

“So what’s the next date for you and Hailey?” Will asked.

“Technically the list said to learn a dance together. We decided to improvise neither one of us have any rhythm.”

“So what are you going to do?”

“Shooting range,” Jay said as he threw the next dart.

“Shooting range?” Will yelped in laughter. “Nothing says love like a shotting range.”

“Damn straight,” Jay answered with confidence.

“You want another round?” Will asked heading towards the bar. “Ehh I’m good, one a night is all I can handle.”

Will nodded as he clumsily walked into a pool table nestled nearby and hit his hip hard.

The Halstead brothers burst out laughing.

“My pain continues to amuse you,” Will said unable to hold in his own laughter.

As they reveled in the moment, they hadn’t noticed Kevin and Adam had walked into the bar.

Jay noticed Will’s laughter stop abruptly and looked up.

Adam had blood on his vest.

“Adam?”

 “Kev?” Jay asked barely getting the words out.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Text

Jay closed his eyes. Somehow hearing the news with his eyes closed seemed more controlled.

“Kev? Please!” he asked again.

Before Kevin could answer Jay knew. Something in the way they carried themselves said we have news that will hit like a freight train.

Hailey. It was Hailey.  This wasn’t the script. He was the one that was supposed to absorb the physical trauma, so she and everyone he loved wouldn’t have to.

“Jay, brother, let’s get you to MED. It’s Hailey,” he answered in a pained strain.

Didn’t the fairness committee get the memo? They had been through enough.

“Hailey!!” Jay snapped out of it and began to run with wild abandon. Will, Kevin, and Adam followed.

If she was at the hospital that meant she was alive. He wasn’t willing to wait a half second getting into the car, dealing with traffic lights, or rush hour chaos.

They were about three blocks away. Jay ran right past Adam’s car and beelined straight for MED.

“Let him go,” Will said as he climbed into the backseat.

Despite throwing on their lights and flooring it, Jay beat them to the emergency room entrance.

He frantically searched the bays until April intervened.

“Jay, come here,” she said pulling him aside.

“Hailey, is she ok?” Jay asked, really pleaded.

“They just took her up to surgery. I don’t have details, but she is in the best hands. Crockett’s got her,” April said as she gently scooted her friend toward the waiting room.

Jay walked in as Ethan was about to give Voight, Torres, and Kim the run down.

Jay looked on the verge of tears. Kim came over and hugged him.

“Ethan, please!” Jay asked again.

“She got hit 3 times. 2 in the vest and one in her arm. She is petite boned so two ribs cracked on impact and nicked her right lung. She’s got a chest tube for the short term and Crockett is working on identifying the bleed,” Ethan began.

At that point Will, Kevin, and Adam had filled in the room and listened in on Hailey’s prognosis.

“I’ll go check on her,” Will said, rubbing Jay’s shoulder.

“Ethan, please be real. Is she going to be ok?” Jay asked. His left eye still didn’t open all the way, but the weight of Jay’s plea radiated out of his eyes nearly pinning Ethan to the wall.

He put an arm on Jay trying, yet failing, to get him to sit. Jay grabbed his arm with unintended strength.

“Jay I can’t make any promises. She is strong. As long as they can get the bleeding under control, I am cautiously optimistic she is going to be just fine.”

Jay looked at Ethan for a few extra beats before letting go of his arm.

====================================================

Jay was breathing slowly and methodically. 7 seconds in, 5 seconds out. He figured if he did this about a thousand times that would get him to the finish line when Hailey’s surgery was completed.

Sure he and Hailey had been in some precarious situations.

He had never truly confronted what her physical suffering would mean… what the knowledge of her pain could wreck on his soul.  

Until now.

Ethan relayed his belief that she would pull through. That being said, the risk of infection loomed, and surgery was never a sure thing.

All Jay could think about was wrapping her in his protection. He was so many things but first and foremost in his bones he was born to protect, and she was his wife for God’s sake.

As the minutes ticked by, doubt crept in.

Did he even have the right to be her frontline of defense anymore?

They had grown closer during the past few months of supervised dating. He knew she loved him tremendously; her eyes did all the speaking needed on that front.

But he hurt her by pushing her away for so long. He was now getting a taste of what she went through during his abduction and recovery.

And man, it wasn’t pretty.

Jay understood on the one hand that he had a right to be selfish, really a need to be selfish.

His body was so brutalized and then his heart was equally shattered.

He only had bandwidth to focus on putting the pieces back together. Considering how to care for Hailey’s feelings in all of it was more than his mind or spirit could process.

But he was her husband. Her protector. The one person that was supposed to always put her first. In Jay’s mind he had failed her miserably.

While not intentional, Hailey was a big part of the collateral damage of his kidnapping and the faking of his death.

Oof the shame he had worked so hard to control was rearing its ugly head once more. It was radiating off him. Everyone could see the inner struggle manifest physically -- shaking hands, tense body, fidgeting demeanor.

Trudy came over and put her hands on Jay’s shoulders. He was pacing back and forth in a frenetic wave of anxiety.

“You trying to grind a hole in the floor Chuckles?” she asked with an air of seriousness.

Jay stopped his unstable pacing and rubbed his hands over his face.

“Sorry,” he said as he followed her to an empty chair.

“I don’t like the thought of her hurting,” he said.

Trudy rubbed his back and took him in for a side hug.

“Right now she isn’t feeling any pain. And when she wakes up, she will need her man looking confident in her ability to beat this. Right now, you look like a sad puppy and a rag doll that had an unfortunate love child,” Trudy smirked with a little elbow jab added for effect.

Jay looked up with grateful eyes. Trudy rubbed his leg for good measure.

Will walked in and everyone jumped out of their seats.

Without missing a beat Will got right to it, “she is doing well now. They got the lung repaired and are working on her arm.”

“Now?” Jay asked. “She lost a lot of blood, so she wasn’t stable at first. But she is receiving transfusions, the bleeding has stopped. Ill check in again in another hour. It’s looking good,” Will said assuredly.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Nearly two hours later, Jay found himself walking into Hailey’s room. The surgery had gone well and barring any major complications, she was going to be okay.

While he ran up to her room the second Ethan gave him the green light, his gait slowed once he saw her alone in the hospital bed.

Taking in the sight of her was overwhelming. He knew she was strong as hell. He had seen her inner and outer strength reveal itself time and again. But the tubes, the wiring, the enormous hospital gown that appeared to swallow her small frame…

Just like she pulled her heart from her chest to help him heal, now it was his turn.

Sitting by her bedside the pieces that made him whole cascaded straight into her.

His strong, tough, capable wife looked delicate, petite, and vulnerable.

As Intelligence slowly piled in, they saw they were invading a private moment. It was evident in his eyes, in his body language, in his whole demeanor. His body language was screaming out.

When love that pure is unnaturally withheld for so long, there is nothing for it to do but to explode.

And explode it did.

He went to hold her hand. It was the first time he willingly touched her for as long as he could remember.

People were looking but in Jay’s mind it was just him and Hailey. It was always just the two of them anyway, wasn’t it?

Like the moon’s gravitational pull causes a tidal wave, a force he could not describe, nor control, emanated from his depths. It was stronger than all the shame, regret, pain, embarrassment and sorrow combined. It was bigger than Sasha and his men, it was more powerful than what they broke in him.

Hank gave everyone a look. They were bearing witness to something spiritual. It was not right to stay. They slowly began to file out of the room.

He put her hand to his cheek, felt the chill in her bones.

When he had returned from captivity, she poured her whole self into him at the cost of her own well-being. He felt it. He absorbed it. That coupled with Will’s love and care, was his secret weapon to beating the odds and shocking his doctors.

She was that strong and selfless – she was able to will him to survive, to heal, to transform. Just like she said at the bus stop after their first supervised date, “I will hold my belief in you until you are ready to believe in yourself.”

He now realized that was what she was doing all along. The heartache shared after the revelation of Will’s and Hailey’s affair… she knew they could get through it. He was too broken to see it at the time, but she knew and held that belief for them both until he was ready to believe it too.

Overwhelmed by seeing her suffer. Overwhelmed by the weight of the pain she endured because of him. Overwhelmed by the enormity of his love for her…Jay buried his face in her hand and wept.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Over the next 24 hours he waited. Friends, family, medical staff came and went. Jay stayed.

Will assured him that once her blood volume was restored, she’d come back. The logical side of his brain believed his brother, but his heart needed to see for itself.

Blood transfusion after transfusion were administered.

Jay caressed her face and arms, helped the nurses bend and stretch her legs to ensure blood flow, talked to her, read her poetry that resonated, and  that he had saved on his phone.

Just as she did for him, he willed her body to heal.

Hailey heard random words and phrases. She heard the monotonous beeping of the heart monitor. She felt pressure from hands touching her.  She sensed she was floating in a dark abyss.

Nothing was tethering her to the earth accept for the undeniable sense of Jay’s presence.

She didn’t see or fully hear him, but she knew he was there. She felt that thing between them.

As scary as the black hole felt, knowing he was present let her rest and float into the darkness peacefully. -------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey opened her eyes at half-mast. She was exhausted. The blood loss and pain meds were quite the combination.

As she adjusted her eyes to the dim glaze that only 3 am and fluorescent lighting could produce, the memory of what happened surfaced.

Hailey was really sore, limbs felt like they weighed a ton. She felt she was moving in slow motion. A sense of heaviness moved her eyes to her right,

It took a moment for her to process that it was Jay, holding her hand, face pressed against her side.

She closed her eyes and reopened them. Was this real? Jay was asleep by her side, touching her, holding her with intention?

She raised her hand ever so slightly to once again assess if this was real or a dream. That was all it took for Jay to awaken.

Their eyes met. In that moment the intensity and genuine nature of his gaze revealed it all. He was back. They were back.

“Hey, you,” he said as he stood to push the call button.

Hailey tried to respond but her throat was so dry, and she was so tired, she could only manage a hoarse, “hey.”

“Shhhhh, shhhh, its ok. You are safe. You are going to be ok. I am here and I am never, ever leaving you again,” he said as he brushed his hand through her messy hair.

His touch was the soothing balm her traumatized body needed. She had yearned to for its medicinal effects for so long.

“You never did,” she responded with a tired smile. “You never did,” she repeated before drifting back to a deep sleep.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay sat holding Hailey’s hand as Dr. Marcel walked through her discharge papers. After 5 days she was given some pain MEDS, spirometer instructions, orders to rest, and paperwork on how to keep her bandaging dry. Most importantly she was given a sturdy path to a clean bill of health. Two weeks at home and then hopefully desk duty until her lung capacity was fully restored.

The past few days sucked. Busted ribs, healing lung and arm were no fun. Breathing deeply hurt and exercises with her spirometer hurt even more.

All that paled to her new reality. Her husband was here, really here. He doted on her endlessly. At another time she would rib him for his mother henning, but not this time. This time she reveled in it.

She never blamed him for the distance between them. Not for one second.

Yes, she suffered greatly in the past year. Thinking he was dead, dealing with the distance he put between them after he found out about her and Will’s betrayal.

But no one suffered like he did. He was brutalized, raped, starved. He was broken into more pieces than she thought physically possible. His heart was stomped on by the people he trusted the most.

She was petrified they wouldn’t come back from the betrayal. Yet, this tiny little light burned the whole time, illuminating the fact that they could never remain apart for long.

At first, she thought it was denial, but now her instincts were validated. He never left. She never left. They had to let the natural process of healing and forgiveness take its course. The bedrock of their love was such that nothing could break it indefinitely.

Kim arrived with Adam and a bag of fresh clothes.

“Finally, I can get out of this Mu Mu,” Hailey said looking at her ridiculously large hospital gown.

“Alright Hailey,” Dr Marcel wrapped up. “You’ll need some help getting dressed and then you are officially discharged,” he said handing Jay the file with instructions for her care.

“Thank you,” she smiled.

“Thank you, Crockett. Really thank you for saving her,” Jay said with a handshake.

As Dr. Marcel left the room, Jay scrambled to gather Hailey’s things.

Hailey, Kim, and Adam knew him well. As wonderful as everything had been going these past few days, an ugly elephant still loomed large between them.

“Why don’t I help Hailey get dressed and you boys figure out her ride out of here?” Kim said confidently.

Jay looked at her with grateful eyes. Saved by the Burgess.

What wasn’t said was that Jay wasn’t ready to see all of Hailey. He couldn’t help her get dressed.

As profoundly intimate their connection had been these past days, his trauma didn’t just all magically disappear.

----------------------------------------------------

Adam pulled up to Hailey’s (and Jay’s) apartment.

Jay carefully helped Hailey to the car and began to walk her to their building.

“Jay, wait,” Hailey said softly.

“What is it? Does something hurt? What can I do?” Jay asked trying to soothe whatever was distressing her in that moment.

“No, no all good. I’m fine,” she smiled. “Jay, I think Kim and Adam should take it from here,” she said with all the gentleness of her heart.

“What? What do you mean? I am here Hailey. I told you I am not leaving you again. I will be with you every step of the way until you are better.”

She put her hand to his cheek. “We have come so far. We are not going to ruin our progress by rushing things,” she implored.

Jay wasn’t sure how to process what she was saying.

Sure he hesitated when it was time to help dress her, but he had pushed her away for too long. He didn’t want to spend another minute apart. He didn’t want her hurting without him caring for her every need.

She saw the dejected look on his face.

He was searching for a way to talk her out of it when it hit him.

Hailey was going up to the apartment.

THEIR apartment.

The one he hadn’t stepped foot in since the day he was kidnapped. The one where Hailey and Will had their misguided night of passion.

THAT apartment.

He put his hand over her small hand that was cupping his cheek and chin.

“Ok,” he said in nearly a whisper. He took in a deep breath trying not to let his emotions get the best of him. It was hard not to feel like a colossal failure. It was hard not to feel that once again he was failing her.

“Between FaceTime and calling, you will feel like you are in the same room,” Adam assured as he took Hailey’s bag off Jay’s shoulder.

They hugged and said their goodbyes. Jay watched as the trio disappeared through the doors into the lobby.

Hailey was right. Going up to their apartment before they were ready could have been disastrous.

He felt so light and free finally being able to be with her, only supervised by the love and bond they shared, no one else.

To think that this was just one step on some torturous journey with no end was a blow. He was down once more, but not out.

--------------------------------------------------

Jay was finishing his 10^th set of pushups when his phone rang. It had been 11 days since Hailey was released.

Kevin’s face appeared on the screen. “What’s up Jayby?” he asked as he flipped the screen to Hailey practicing on her spirometer.

“Look who is back in the normal range!” As he zoomed in on the little ball nearly hitting the line Hailey needed to be off bedrest.

“Aww baby look at you. That is incredible progress. I’m so proud of you,” he sang.

Jay and Hailey FaceTimed throughout every day of her recovery. Sometimes for hours. They had talked about maybe having Hailey recuperate at someone else’s house so Jay could be more physically present, but ultimately, he knew she would be most comfortable in her own space.

Hailey’s needs had to come first right now.

“Jay is that toothpaste on your face?” Hailey laughed, as she grasped her ribs to help keep the painful vibrations at bay.

“What? Really?” he said looking closely at his reflection on the screen.

He wiped off the offending fluoride and took joy in their easy banter.

Kevin left for work, and they stayed on the line together for 45 minutes. Hailey was much more independent than her first week at home. She would be out and about soon.

It wasn’t perfect but it was what they had to work with and that was good enough.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay nervously tapped his hand on his thigh.

“It has been nearly half our session and you haven’t said much,” Dr. Goldin noted.

Jay continued to tap his hand.

“Will I ever be able to be intimate with my wife again?” Jay asked.

Dr. Goldin let that sit in the air for a minute.

“The first time Sasha…. When he…” Jay couldn’t get his thought out as the nervous tapping went up a notch.

“When he raped you?” Dr. Goldin offered gently.

Jay looked up, cringing at the word.

“It hurt. A lot. I was bucking my hips and body any way I could to get him off, but the shackles were too tight, had no give. And then….”

What felt like an eternity went by in the space between patient and therapist.

“Jay its ok. There is nothing you can say that will make me judge you. There is nothing that you did or didn’t do that isn’t ok to share here.”

“I became aroused,” Jay said balling his fist into his mouth to stop the sobs that seemed to come out of nowhere.

Dr. Goldin let Jay work through the wave of emotion before responding.

“Jay have you ever ridden a bus? Had an annual checkup?” Dr. Goldin finally asked.

Jay looked up completely confused… what the hell did this have to do with anything?

“Yes of course,” Jay answered in an exasperated tone.

“Our body and our nerve endings are engineered to respond to stimulation. Arousal is the way that certain parts of our body and senses respond to touch. Sometimes that response can be controlled, sometimes not.”

Jay was getting frustrated. Really a biology lesson right now?

“Unintentional arousal is a common occurrence for men especially. You can become aroused from a cat purring on your lap, from the vibrations on a bus ride, from a doctor touching your anus or prostate during an exam. Erection and even ejaculation is not necessarily sexual- doesn’t mean you enjoy it or want it. It’s simply a physical response to stimulation in areas with a lot of nerve endings… like your back side.”

Jay was taking it in as his facial expression remained flat.

“This wasn’t your fault. You weren’t weak. You didn’t enjoy it. Your abusers knew it would mess with your head, and they purposefully egged it on. Its part of the cycle of abuse and control we see with sexual assault assailants all the time.”

Dr. Goldin began scurrying around his office looking for a book on his shelf. He turned to a page showing male anatomy and pointed to the areas that had the most nerve endings. The areas Jay’s rapists purposefully touched harshly to torment him further.

“I feel like my body betrayed me and continues to,” Jay admitted. “Even when I have positive arousal… the way my heartbeat used to feel good accelerating, now it feels like a panic attack.”

“You know that rapid shallow breathing, accelerated heartrate, and intensified alertness can happen when experiencing arousal AND when experiencing fear. The two sensations overlap in many ways,” Dr. Goldin assured Jay.

“Right now, your challenge is to learn to separate fear and arousal again.”

Jay nodded. This was a lot of information to absorb.

Truth be told, if you broke it down, what his therapist was trying to tell him was one simple fact:

Jay’s physiological responses to the multiple viscous rapes he endured really meant nothing.

It was simple biology.

His mind started to wander to his initial conversation with Ethan when they ran into one another at his apartment.

“I don’t feel shame anymore,” Ethan had said.

-------------------------------------------

Hailey beamed when she saw Jay waiting for her outside their apartment building. She was officially off bedrest. They had 13 dates to go to achieve the goal of making love 100 ways without making love.

Of the items left on the list the one that seemed most realistic for Hailey’s injuries was making a bouquet of flowers together.

“So, are we going to get in trouble for sneaking out like this?” Hailey grinned as Jay took her hand in his.

This was their first unchaperoned “date.”

“I won’t tell, if you don’t,” he smirked.

They walked hand in hand to a nearby park that had endless pockets of wildflowers thriving amongst the concrete jungle of Chicago.

Onlookers couldn’t tell if they were young lovers or a couple that had weathered many storms together. With their hands locked they looked like they could be either. Their comfort and trust in one another juxtaposed by the sweet innocence in their movements.

They quickly developed a system. It hurt Hailey’s ribs to bend over so she would find a flower she liked, and then Jay would pick it. After nearly two hours of walking, picking, talking, laughing they had enough flowers for a few bouquets.

Jay took out the tissue paper and twine he brought along in a tote bag. They sat on a park bench and proceeded on their mission.

Hailey’s ribs were still a bit too sore to lean over the bench. So, Jay did a lot of the work with Hailey’s supervision.

“What is so funny?” Jay asked as he bundled the first bouquet in twine.

“You have always been so organized and well kept. Look at your bouquets! They are all methodically even and color coordinated,” she laughed.

“You have to have a plan,” he argued, fully displaying his inner Ranger.

“Oh, Jay it is nearly 2 o’clock. Didn’t you say you had some appointments at MED to get to?” Hailey said looking at her phone.

“Yeah, ophthalmologist and the dermatologist,” Jay confirmed now scrambling to get the final bouquets together.

“Let’s get you and these bouquets home and then Ill hope on the bus,” Jay said as he gathered all the scraps and supplies.

“Would you be comfortable with me coming with you?” Hailey asked. “Don’t feel pressure if it’s too much,” she assured.

Her offer took him by surprise. All their interactions had been so scheduled and short lived. Outside of her hospital stay, they hadn’t spent this much time together in a long time.

“Of course not. These appointments aren’t going to be too exciting I must warn. You sure you don’t want to go home and rest?”

“Let’s get to MED,” she smiled bouquet, in hand.

----------------------------------------------------

The first appointment was with the ophthalmologist.

“Remember the drops dilated your pupils. It will be a few hours until the blurriness goes away.”

Jay wiped away the artificial tears from the eye drops.

“What’s the verdict?” Hailey asked as she sat next to Jay.

“Good news, right eye is back to your original excellent 20/10 range.”

Hailey cheered quietly.

“And the left?” Jay asked nervously.

“Look, I am sure you notice that your left is weaker. It’s not refracting light 100% properly which is why it cannot fully open and probably never well. But it has improved to 20/40.”

“What does that mean?” Hailey asked.

“It means with glasses or a contact lens you we can get you to 20/20 in that eye.”

Hailey took hold of Jay’s hand. “That’s great news.”

“Yes. Jay this also means once you get corrective lenses, I can sign off on you being able to drive again as well as approval for operating a firearm,” the doctor added.

Hailey saw how quiet Jay was as he metabolized the news. When overcoming life altering trauma, good news can be hard to process. It means letting go and stepping into the new version of yourself. Easier said than done.

-------------------------------------

They sat in the dermatologic surgeon’s office waiting room. It was a bit chaotic with more patients waiting than chairs available. Jay insisted Hailey sit while he stood against the wall next to her chair.

Hailey noticed Jay was somewhere else.

“You alright partner?” she asked with a softness telling him she sees he is struggling.

Before he could answer a nurse called his name, “Halstead?”

Jay snapped out of his daydream, “yes, here.”

He reached for Hailey’s hand and carefully helped her up.

The nurse walked them to an exam room. “Everything off,” she ordered. “Gown opens to the back. Dr. Fisher should be with you shortly.

“I’ll turn around,” Hailey said before Jay had time to get nervous.

“Thanks,” he said sheepishly.

This was silly on some level. She had seen it all before and then some. But having her look at him naked felt significant. A doctor’s office wasn’t going to be the place they would be testing intimate boundaries.

“Jay I can step out if you prefer to do this on your own,” Hailey offered as she realized this visit would be a bit more vulnerable for him than the eye doctor.

“No, it’s ok. Hails I don’t want to be afraid forever. I know I owe you an explanation and so much more,” Jay said trying his best to maintain eye contact.

He took off his clothes, folded them neatly on a chair, and threw the gown on as quickly as possible.

“Jay, you don’t owe me anything. You can tell me everything or not, Ill love you all the same,” she said taking his hand and propping herself up gingerly onto the exam table.

“You ok?” he asked checking to make sure she didn’t aggravate any of her injuries.

“I’m fine, really.”

The crinkly paper beneath them rumpled loudly. “Does this count as date 89?” he asked.

“Awkwardly sitting on an exam table together? Sure does,” she answered elbowing him to his side.

The door opened as Dr. Fisher knocked.

“Jay, hi, good to see you,” he said putting his hand out for a shake.

“You too Dr. Fisher. This is my wife, Hailey.”

“Hailey, lovely to meet you. This guy here is the toughest patient I have ever had,” he said as he pulled up a stool to the exam table.

“Don’t I know it,” she answered as she unclasped her hands allowing the doctor to exam his patient.

He took off the small pressure bands on Jay’s wrists and examined the scarring.

“Looks beautiful,” he declared.

“Not sure beautiful is the word I would use,” Jay said looking at the ugly, jagged scarring.

“Your wrists and ankles were torn apart and raw against exposed bone. The fact these grafts took so well and were not rejected is a thing of beauty in my book,” Dr. Fisher.

He looked over Jay’s ankles. His smile was an indication that his ankles were doing well too.

Dr. Fisher turned on the light on his headband to look at Jay’s neck scar more closely.

He manipulated Jay’s neck back and forth, pressed against the skin to see if the color came back after pressing down.

“I couldn’t be happier. So far so good.”

He began to pull the gown down to look over some of the cigarette burns on his chest.

Dr. Fisher used his headlight to examine the edges on each scar.

The sight was truly shocking. Hailey hadn’t realized how they mercilessly littered Jay’s entire body with burns and God knows what else. Where those whip marks? It was impossible to absorb.

While he was laid up in the hospital and at Spring Valley he was bandaged, casted, braced.

Trying to provide a modicum of privacy, she had always stepped out when it was time for his personal care and cleaning. She had no idea that Jay always asked the nursing staff to cover him up as much as possible. The long sleeve shirts, his primal desire for privacy and to be covered…. It all made sense now.

But when the doctor asked Jay to turn around that was when the full extent of the permanent scarring smacked her in the face.

His back and bottom were like a spider web of cigarette burns holes and awful gash scars. When his arms legs and throat had been hog tied for months, the shackles dug into him relentlessly, resulting in additional disturbing scars.

He was branded for life.

Taking it all in was like picking the scab off an old, devastating wound. If she thought it wouldn’t emasculate him to just take him in her arms right then and there, she would have done it.

Catching Hailey staring, Jay tried to lighten things up, “I clearly have a long career in bathing suit modeling ahead me, eh?” he snarked.

Dr. Fisher took a sharpie and circled a few scars on his back, two on his chest, and a few small ones on his arms and thighs.

“Ok so most of these looks fine. There are a few I’d like to send to pathology just to make sure the edges aren’t at risk for infection,” he said.

“What if anything comes back suspicious?” Hailey asked concerned.

“Then we laser off the concerning edges,” he said inputting his orders in an I-Pad for the nurse.

“When we first met, we had discussed the possibility of plastic surgery and laser treatments to remove some of the scarring. They are healed enough to continue that conversation if you are still interested.”

Jay was thrown off by that. He hadn’t really thought about aggressively trying to remove the scars for a while.

“Oh right. Can I think about it a little more?” he asked.

“Of course. The nurse will be in to swab the areas I highlighted with my marker. We can schedule a follow up to continue the conversation about scar removal.”

Hailey watched as the nurse swabbed the circled areas and placed each Q-tip into its own collection bag.

“I’m going to freshen up in the rest room. Jay, I’ll meet you out in front when you’re done?”

He looked up from the nurse, “yeah of course. Need help getting up?” Jay steadied her as she slid off the table.

As the door closed, Hailey gave the tears that were forming in her eyes permission to fall.

Jay was doing so well. Amazingly well really.

He was nearly back to his former stature and strength. He had overcome what most of his doctors felt was impossible.

But right here right now Hailey let the pain pour out. His gnarly scarring was a reminder that they would never be truly free of the torture.

It would permeate their lives forever.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey was filing backed up paperwork when Adam came in from a meeting with a CI.

“You wear desk duty glamorously well,” he said.

“Thanks,” she said with an eye roll.

“Matteo called and said Jay is wrapping up his PT. They’d like to do a little joint party with Esther.”

“That is awesome, right?” Adam asked as he saw a look of concern flash across Hailey’s face. “You guys are doing better, right?”

“Yeah, yeah. It’s a process and it’s still going to take time, but we are good, really good,” she smiled.

“Matteo said most people like to invite friends and family to celebrate. He knew Jay hadn’t let us know. Probably was just going to let it be without an audience. Being in the spotlight isn’t his thing,” Hailey began.

“But?” Adam asked.

“Well, his therapist thinks Jay needs something memorable to mark the end of his long-haul recovery period. He has the green light on almost every front. Aside from being at a risk for refracturing his bad leg and pelvis, and the threat of arthritis, he is back.”

“The emotional side needs a kick in the pants to catch up to his body though?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, I think that is what they are saying.”

“Are you thinking what I am thinking?” Adam asked with a twinkle in his eye.

“Jay may hate it,” Hailey said rubbing her hands on her face.

“Like it or not, he has to face it,” Adam said going for the stack of books they needed to get things moving.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Margot, his social worker at Spring Valley, and Jay were going over paperwork together.

“You have four more sessions with Fred and Maya on the PT front, and two more with Dr. Goldin. So are looking at the 17^th as your last day.

Jay was looking over the paperwork and began to initial and sign as needed.

“Once you are in the Spring Valley family, it’s forever. So, if you need support down the line you can always schedule outpatient appointments,” she reminded.

Jay nodded and went back to signing his official dismissal papers.

“Let’s talk about your housing,” Margot said looking straight at Jay. She knew this was a touchy subject for him and was ready for an anxious patient.

“My housing?” he asked, a little confused.

“We were lucky to get you into supportive VA housing. Unfortunately, the need is far greater than capacity.”

Jay knew where this conversation was headed.

“You are doing so well. Remarkably well considering where you were when you arrived here. We are all so proud of your resilience and fortitude,” she began trying to butter him up.

“Jay its time to move on. You don’t need the nursing or social work staff anymore. You did it. You have recovered. Its time to give your apartment to another Vet that needs those same supports that helped you.”

She saw his anxiety tick up with the nervous hand tap on his leg.

Jay’s mind started to wander again. His apartment was basic, no frills. Every inch was used for a purpose. It was all that he needed. It was where he came to escape from facing the Will and Hailey reality. It was where his healing progressed to true independence. It wasn’t home though.

Home was with Hailey. That was his goal. He felt the proverbial shame shackles beginning to release their pernicious grip, but he wasn’t a free man yet.

They had worked hard to get to this genuine, happy place between them. Being with Hailey now was calm, fulfilling, unforced. She was his cornerstone; their love was the rock-hard foundation from which the goodness and lightness between them grew.

But to leave his cozy safe place in supportive housing now? Maybe he could move in with Will? Adam and Kim? As much as his greatest wish was to be back home with Hailey…

“Jay, you with me?” Margot asked.

“Huh?”

“It’s time to move on,” she said.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hank picked up Adam first.

“Where are we going?” Adam asked as Hank continued to pick up his next passenger.

“We are going to do what I should have done months ago,” Hank said.

About 45 minutes later, with Hailey in tow, they arrived at Briggs Penitentiary.

“Hank, I don’t know,” Hailey said as she realized what he was doing.

“You have been carrying around the most useless anchor there is… guilt. Today I am going to remind you who is to blame for the mess of the pass year,” Hank said leading the way inside.

“Hank, I don’t think I can see them without ripping their faces off,” Hailey said as she stopped short of the entrance.

“You didn’t see the scarring left on his body. They desecrated him,” she said tucking her face into Adam’s chest.

Hank took a deep breath. The truth was as bad as Adam and Hailey felt, Hank’s guilt was suffocating.

The list was too long of people he loved and failed.

Somehow Jay represented Camille, Justin, Erin, Al….  He couldn’t save Camille her cancer was too aggressive and the doctors in Chicago weren’t enough. Maybe if they would have gone elsewhere the outcome would be different; he let Justin slip through his fingers and fall victim to bad decisions that Hank should have been able to prevent; he saved Erin but at what cost? She was gone from his life for her own good; and Al. Oh Al. Hank’s best friend in the world died because of his undying loyalty.

Then this kid creeps into his heart. Creeps into Hank’s sense of loyalty, capability, trust. The kid teaches him about love and loyalty in new ways. The kid pushes him, challenges him, straight up demands he be a better man.

The kid was violated and broken in ways Hank couldn’t wrap his head around. He thought he had seen it all. Turns out he hadn’t. Turns out despite all the loss in his life, he hadn’t felt it all either.

So this little trip was for Adam and Hailey, but it was for Hank too.

“Shouldn’t Jay be here?” Adam asked pulling Hank out of his head.

“He turned down the invitation. Got the sense seeing them would not be healthy for him, not now anyway. We can do this for him. For us,” Hank said encouraging them to move ahead.

------------------------------------------------------------

It turned out that Hank wasn’t right or wrong. Vengeance couldn’t help Jay, but it couldn’t hurt either.

After going through security, they were brought into a room full of screens showing all the rooms and angles of the prison.

“There,” the guard pointed to two screens. “They are having a hell of a time just like you asked,” the guard said looking at Hank.

Adam, Hailey, and Hank saw Artem, Maxim, and Vasyl sitting at a table. They hadn’t been in prison for that long, but it seemed they were not having an easy go of it. They look very tense and on edge. All the bruising on their faces may have something to do with that.

“I thought part of your deal with Sasha was you couldn’t put the hounds on him?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, on him. Didn’t say anything about his minions. His boys are in gen pop with lots of friends from rival gangs they have wronged.” Hank said without emotion.

The guard chimed in. “They are already trying to make deals to put the stink on Sasha instead of them. Its only a matter of time before that piece of shit gets what he deserves.”

One of the men got up limping, walking funny. Adam was pleased.

“You will let us know when Sasha…?” Hailey asked.

The guard nodded.

Hailey was breathing slowly. Watching the men that hurt her husband so brutally had stirred up a thing or two.

What surprised her in that moment was she felt very little. The anger that boiled for so long wasn’t present.

Maybe if they had shown Jay an ounce of mercy during his captivity… Maybe if they hadn’t faked his death leading to the most devastating time in her life, leading her to betray Jay unknowingly… Maybe if they gave her any reason to be merciful, she would be.

Instead, she felt a sense of preparedness. Not peace, that would be an exaggeration. But preparedness, she was ready.

“Fuck these guys,” Adam said. “They are in hell now.”

Hailey nodded. They were the past. Jay would be haunted forever most likely, but she was prepared be there to soothe the pain. Hailey and Jay had a lifetime to figure it all out. These guys had no future.

“I’ll meet you guys out front. She got what she needed. It was time to move on. Rubbing it in their faces wouldn’t serve her any good.

Hank and Adam weren’t so generous. They wanted to see them face-to-face. After all, a little reminder of who put them there and what was to come was only fair, right?

Hailey understood that.

“Thanks for making me come. Take the time you need,” she said directly as she walked to the door, turning her back on those monsters once and for all.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two of Esther’s children, 7 of her grandchildren, and 3 great grandchildren came to their “commencement” celebration.

The staff really went out all and pushed Jay’s and Esther’s family to make a big deal out of this get together.

Esther’s family were all in.

She had done as well as could be expected. She was 94 and suffering from congestive heart failure. Her days left in this realm were limited. For her family living in Chicago, this was an opportunity to gather and celebrate more than just her hip.

As for Jay, Dr. Goldin felt that he needed a defining break from this stage of recovery. The past 9 months plus were all about putting himself back together. While the journey would continue throughout his life, Jay was ready for primetime, the real world.

Hailey was nervous. Matteo had talked her into making a big deal out of this event. Jay was an intensely private person. Did she make a mistake getting swept up in the promise of what this could mean for him?

She arrived early with Trudy to help the staff set up. She was able to meet Esther’s children. They were warm and had no problems making light of where they were in their mother’s journey.

They joked that in some ways this was Esther’s chance to hear what people will say/feel at her funeral, while Jay will get the chance to hear what people already said/felt at his funeral from earlier in the year.

“Gallow’s humor was what got my parent’s through their lives. I guess it’s hereditary,” her daughter said when she saw Hailey was unsure whether to laugh or cry at her statement.

That allowed Hailey to laugh. Like really laugh.  This was completely absurd. Her husband was about to have his Tom Sawyer/Huckleberry Finn moment, a glimpse of his own funeral.

The women spent the next half hour organizing cupcakes and streamers. Each joke they made was more inappropriate than the next.

If they could laugh about their beloved mother’s impending death with grace and love, she could laugh at how horrible the last year had been.

The key to resiliency was not forgetting, it was owning your setbacks and using them somehow, someway to catapult you forward. Hailey’s heart was opening up to that truth.

One by one guests started to file in.

Kim, Adam and Makayla arrived. “I get to go to school late today,” Mak grinned.

The Corsons arrived with a big homemade chocolate cake, “it’s a little tradition we have on everyone’s birthdays,” Gail chimed as she placed it on the table. She made that cake every year on Ben’s, Allison’s, and Jay’s birthdays. It felt right.

Hank, Trudy, Kevin, Dante came in and quickly helped set up chairs and add final touches on the streamers so they wouldn’t fall.

The space was filling. Hailey had been having such a good time she forgot to be nervous about Jay’s reaction.

A blonde woman came in looking unsure. “Hi, are you here for the party?” Hailey asked.

Ethan caught eye of the woman and came in for a hug.

“Ellie, so awesome you could make it,” he said with a smile.

“Well if I made it to his funeral, I figured this was a pretty fantastic follow up visit.”

Hailey recognized her name from a particularly poignant entry in Jay’s funeral guest book.

“Shit,” she thought. “This is really happening.”

Ethan and Hailey had been communicating via text ever since that day she reached out to him to talk to Jay. He had mentioned that a few people at the funeral connected, realizing that all of them were helped by Jay over the years.

They had stayed in touch. So when Hailey reached out to Hailey about the party, he asked if he could invite a few more people.

“Michelle, over here,” Ehtan waved. Another friend from the funeral had arrived.

Esther came over with her walker. Hailey, Kevin, and Adam gave her big hug and oodles of congratulatory kudos. Of course she brushed them off with her unfussy charm and asked when they’d be allowed to cut into that delicious looking cake.

Jay’s life for the past many months had revolved around the little family he built at Spring Valley. His family from the 21^st fit in seamlessly.

------------------------------------------------------------------

At this point it was the man of the hour that was still needed.

Jay came into the room with Fred holding a folder of papers. They had gone over exercises to continue to strengthen his muscles and minimize the creeping arthritis from all of his fractures.

He was smiling widely at something Fred had said, yet to take notice of who was in the room.

Hailey paused to watch his surprise unfold.

Jay was thrown off at first glance at the room.

Will’s hair and grin stood out first, and then Hailey’s beaming smile. “How did  they know about this?” Jay thought. But his wife and brother being there seemed understandable. He felt good seeing them together. The past hurt of their dalliance had nearly faded away.

“Oh, wait Trudy and Hank? The rest of the team? Oh man even Dante,” his heartbeat accelerated.

His alertness was kicking into high gear. He was working hard to stave off a panic attack.

Then Jay saw Ethan.

“He’s getting overwhelmed,” Hailey whispered to Will.

“Let it play out. He can handle this,” Will replied.

Successfully staving off a panic attack and remaining emotionally present, is when the magic born out of Jay’s goodness began to cast its spell over the room.

Ethan and Jay embraced.

“So, Jay there is no real hallmark card for ‘I was at your funeral, so glad that you are actually alive’… but when I was at your funeral… let’s just say a lot of people came to pay their respects. I didn’t know anyone, so my mom and I started talking to people. The more we talked the more we realized a lot of us had a commonality that brought us to pay our respects.”

Ethan stepped aside revealing a familiar face.

“Hi Jay, do you remember me? The tall, lovely girl had beautiful blonde hair. It took Jay a moment before he said, “Ellie?” in total disbelief. (Season 4, episode 13 I Remember Her Now)

She came over and gave him a hug. “When Ethan texted the news link that you had been found alive… well I couldn’t pass up the chance to tell you thank you in person. At your funeral I regretted never tracking you down to tell you…”

Jay stood their trying to hold off the trembling creeping up on him. Hailey and Will came over and each took a side. Not to interfere but to create a shield of strength for him to lean on.

“You helped find me an adoptive family. I wish I had the words to make you understand how that changed the trajectory of my life. My whole childhood was a mess. I was beyond damaged goods, but my adoption changed things. What happened to me then, doesn’t define who I am now.”

Jay flashed to the case he worked on the facility for troubled teenage girls. Ellie was caught in a horrible web of sex trafficking, drugs, murder….

“I read some of what happened to you. Like, Ethan, I wanted you to know who you are matters, your kindness matters, your commitment to people matters. I am living proof that Jay Halstead matters,” Ellie said pulling tighter into their embrace.

Seeing Ethan and now Ellie… Jay was working hard to graciously accept the meaningful simplicity of them showing up. While simple in practice, their effort was wrapped in powerful admiration, more than he felt he deserved.

The day’s surprises had yet to be fully revealed.

“Jay do you remember me?” Michelle came over. You were the first person to stand up for me. You put my ex-husband on his ass and put me and my daughter on a plane to Arizona (Season 7, episode 16 Intimate Violence) . It wasn’t easy but we are happy in Arizona. We come back frequently to visit family so when Ethan texted...”

Jay couldn’t answer her. He was completely in shock of what was transpiring before him.

Gail and Danny stepped forward with Adam and Kevin all holding tall stacks of guest books.

“These are from your funeral. They are filled. Over 1,000 pages of names and stories from mourners that came to pay their respects and share why they had to come to honor your heart of gold that helped so many,” Gail said rubbing her hand on Jay’s back.

Jay didn’t let many people phsyicaly touch him. But Gail, Danny, and Esther were the exceptions that intensely guarded rule.

Somehow, he managed to stay composed as he caught up with Ethan, Michele, Ellie, and his friends and family that surprised him in such flabbergasting fashion.

Esther introduced him to her family. Jay grinned in a way Hailey hadn’t seen in a very long time. It was sweet. He wasn’t a very good fake smile on command person. It had to be earned, and when it was genuine, he lit up a room.

Matteo, Fred, and Maya handed out certificates to the graduates. Cake and beverages were passed around.

On Gail’s insistence Jay took a big bite of her chocolate cake. When he looked up from the hunk of sweetness on his plate, he saw a woman walking in with a little boy.

It took Jay a few seconds to place her face. The approximate age of the little boy added up.

“Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit,” he thought to himself.

Hailey came up to the late arriver and greeted her with a hug. She remembered her from the funeral.

Jay put the plate down. He used the excuse of wiping his face to use the napkin to wipe his eyes too. He wished he could stuff the napkin into his tear ducts for the duration of the day.

He kept trying to find somewhere to place his eyes to settle his emotions. But everywhere he looked a heart string was pulled.

Kim, Adam, Makayla, Kevin to his top right. Mak’s quick little smirk at him, nope that’s not going to help keep his emotions at bay.

Hank, Will and Trudy bottom right. Hank and Will smiling at one another in conversation, they had buried the hatchet between them. Yeah, that’s not going to help his heart swirls calm.

Esther sitting holding her newest great grandson. “Oh fuck,” he thought as his attempts to settle himself only led to a ‘hurts so good’ kind of bubbling of emotions.

Ethan, Ellie and Michele waving to Lissa and Terry Egan as they walked into the center of the room.

Lissa Egan’s husband Terry was working with Jay 7 years ago as a security guard for a medicinal marijuana dispensary. They were carjacked and tragically Terry was killed as he and Jay fought off the attackers. (Season 3, episode 17 40 Caliber Breadcrumb)

Lissa was pregnant with their firstborn son. Jay and Lissa had stayed in touch for a few months after his murder, but Lissa admitted it was hard for her to see him. Jay reminded her so much of her husband. So around when baby Terry was born, they drifted apart.

Jay understood. Truth be told a part of him was relieved. Seeing Lissa tore at Jay. He felt like he failed Terry and his family were stark reminders of his negligence.

“Jay!” Lissa called as she walked towards him.

“Lissa!” he smiled.

Hailey stood back. She saw Jay attempting to regain balance. For Hailey Jay was nearly translucent. She saw each emotion course through him. He felt joy. He felt embarrassment. He felt guilt. He felt completely overwhelmed by the enormity of love and devotion in that room.

In that moment Jay desperately wanted to rise to the occasion. These people made the effort and gave the time to come to this little cupcake and juice party. How? Why? And for him? Really? He was such a mess of a man, he didn’t dserve this, right?

Jay, Lissa, and Terry caught up. Jay got low and looked at the little boy in his eyes.

“You knew my Daddy?” he asked.

Ok that was it. Jay stopped fighting the show of respect smacking him in the face.

“Yes,” Lissa answered as she Jay succumb to the intensity of the interaction. “This is the police officer that helped Daddy decide to become a policeman.”

“I am going to be a policeman when I grow up too,” Terry declared.

“I know that your Daddy would love that,” Jay finally shared. “He was the bravest and kindest and also pretty funny. A very special combination,” he added. “I have a special letter from when your Daddy was accepted to the Chicago Police Academy. Maybe one day I can give it to you?

-----------------------------------------------------------

After Jay had caught up with his guests, his heart and mind were overflowing. With what exactly he wasn’t sure. Was it shock? Embarassment? Unworthiness?

Nah. It was love. It was all love.

He caught Hailey’s eyes with a look. She smiled. She had helped put this whole day together. She and Adam did this for him, their love actualized in such a thoughtful way.

And while a part of him hated the attention with passion, even his stubborn private ways were no match for the cathartic affirming hug the morning provided.

So, without thinking and acting only on instinct he came over and took Hailey’s hand.

“How are you holding u---”

Before she could get her thought out, he acted on his heart’s long shackled desire and pulled her in for a kiss.

It was tender and sweet and spoke to Hailey in a language only she and Jay shared.

When Jay pulled away, he realized he may have blindsided her a little with his spontaneity.

Aside from a few attempts after his injury and that day at the precinct, it was the first time their lips meant with genuine intention for far too long. It was the first time Jay initiated it with a clear head.

“Hey, I’m sorry if I caught you off guard.”

Hailey just shook her head “no,” telepathing that it was more than ok. Her eyes welled with happy tears.

Jay pulled her in for a hug before turning to the sound of Adam hitting his cup with a plastic chocolate filled fork on it.

“I promise this will be short,” he said as everyone’s chatter calmed to quiet.

“I just wanted to take a brief moment to toast the man and woman of the hour.”

Everyone raised their juice boxes and cups.

“Esther and Jay, nothing I can really say could do you justice. The way you have lived your lives, what you have overcome, that is your testimony. Everyone here today is a result of the chain reaction your integrity and character put into motion.”

Oh man, Adam used the words that he had used to justify the killing of Sasha’s son. The same words Sasha used when giving Jay his cruel harrowing death sentence. Everyone in intelligence recognized them instantly, including Jay.

It was Adam’s way of trying to take away the horrific power those words used to hold.

He handed the words back to his brother.

Jay owned those words now.

The chain reaction of his heart, effort, fortitude created space for joy and triumph.

“So, please join me in toasting these two spectacular souls.”

“To Esther and Jay!”

It was a beautiful moment. One steeped in the kind of undeniable love from which all good things were born.

As if on cue, not one for attention, Esther interjected with the levity needed. “Adam, darling, you spilled some apple juice on your shirt.”

-------------------------------------------------------

Hailey pulled out her ponytail as she got off the elevator only to find Jay waiting by her door.

“Jay!” she said surprised to see him standing there for the first time in 16 months.

“Hey, I hope its ok, Jimmy let me in.”

“Of course, it’s ok,” Hailey said with a renewed softness in her voice.

I thought what better way to complete our challenge with date 100 being at our place.

The way he said our place sent butterflies fluttering in her stomach.

“Oh, yeah?” she asked with a cute little grin.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Remember we made fun of suggestion #57?” he answered.

“Which one was that?” Hailey said with a silly face like he expected her to remember.

“Read poetry together. I know it sounds silly, and bougie, and the furthest thing from my comfort zone, but are you up for wrapping up the challenge with a poetry night?” he asked with his impish grin she could never resist.

After stumbling for the keys, she took his hand and led him in through the door.

They both paused as he stepped in.

Hailey squeezed his hand.

“It’s ok, I am ok,” Jay said as memories flooded his senses.

“Anything in the fridge we can whip up for dinner?” he asked, pushing through his anxiety to reach the place he wants so desperately to be.

He laughed when all he found was bread and ketchup.

“Bertoli’s?” she asked feigning ignorance of her sadly empty refrigerator.

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The next two hours passed easily. They laughed and talked and ate their weight in pasta. Being together in the apartment, eating take out, was the closest thing to their past life they had done since Jay’s return. It felt so natural, so right.

“So, poetry night?” Hailey asked.

“Right,” he said getting nervous the way a little boy does when he doesn’t know where to put his eyes.

Jay went to his jacket and pulled out a piece of paper. He patted his pocket for safe measure.

“I know this is so unlike me, but my therapist used art and poetry throughout my treatment to help me access things I was shut off to.”

“Art?” she asked.

“Yeah, I am never gong to show you my paintings. Looks like a three-year-old did them.”

Hailey let out a soft laugh.

“Shocking as it may be, I did kind of take to poetry,” Jay began.

“Would you mind if I read you one that makes me think of you? Of us?”

He came and set next to her on the couch. Looking into her eyes he was met with a moment of fear. Was this too much? Would she feel the connection to the words too?

Pushing that aside he began. 

“It is called Fidelity by DH Lawrence.”

Hailey’s stomach turned. Fidelity? Was this about her affair with Will? She tamped down her anxiety and looked back in his eyes. His left one would never look the same as it did, but as a window to his soul it did the job just fine. Despite the title, she trusted her heart in his hands and opened up to listen.

“Man and woman are like the earth, that brings forth flowers
in summer, and love, but underneath is rock.
Older than flowers, older than ferns, older than foraminiferae,
older than plasm altogether is the soul underneath.
And when, throughout all the wild chaos of love
slowly a gem forms, in the ancient, once-more-molten rocks
of two human hearts, two ancient rocks,
a man's heart and a woman's,
that is the crystal of peace, the slow hard jewel of trust,
the sapphire of fidelity.
The gem of mutual peace emerging from the wild chaos of love.”

By the time he had finished reading Lawrence’s words, Jay reached into his pocket and pulled out a ring.

It was a delicate gold band with an oval sapphire in the middle.

“Hailey, I don’t know what to say about the past 16 months. We were tested in ways that would have been incomprehensible to us before.”

They both had tears streaming down their cheeks.

“Like Lawrence says this is to always remind you of the, “gem of mutual peace emerging from the wild chaos of love”

Hailey was at a loss for words.

“Jay the quality of man that emerged from all of that hurt… you… my steak and potatoes guy and you just quoted DH Lawrence!!! I could not love who you are more,” she beamed through torrents of tears.

It was the final dosage of medicine needed. Hailey looks at who he has become as beautiful. In her words and in her eyes, he believed he was worthy of her love.

“I know we aren’t big flashy jewelry types, especially at work, so I bought you this as well,” he said pulling out an equally delicate chain. “So it can be around your neck or on your finger.”

She slid the ring onto the chain and Jay helped fasten the clasp. “For now I like it right hear as she tapped the ring against her heart.”

“I needed you to lie to me,” Jay said taking some of the oxygen out of the room.

“Jay, I…” Hailey tried to answer.

“No Hailey. You don’t need to explain. I need you and Will to know that your love saved me. The way you both devoted your gifts for my benefit was the difference between life and death. I have been ashamed to admit to you that at a certain point I wanted to die. It hurt Hails,” Jay was trying to let it all out so that no more shame or secrets remained in the space between them.

Hailey understood what this moment meant. She had prayed it would come but wasn’t sure he would be able to do it. This was so unlike the old Jay – he never allowed himself to be too vulnerable. Now, Jay was tearing down the final walls that separated them from one another.

She caressed his cheek and reminded him that she was there to listen. She will love him just the same.

“It hurt. I was so ashamed how much it hurt. I was so tired from how much it hurt. My body responded in ways I couldn’t control. I was profoundly ashamed. I thought if I died, I wouldn’t feel any of that anymore and it would be better,” Jay admitted out loud to her.

He wasn’t overly emotional. He was simply accessing his truth to the woman who meant the world to him.

“When Hank, Adam, and Kevin found me my failures and humiliation clouded my judgment. I was deeply ashamed to be seen like that and still wished for it all to end, despite being ‘saved’.”

Hearing Jay admit his suicidal ideation was painful.

Anyone who saw the video or saw the state of his entire being when he arrived at the 21^st in a pig crate would not be surprised. Yet hearing the love of your life admit they wished for death to be freed from their unspeakable pain is as rough as it gets.

“Thank you for giving me what I needed to fight. Thank you for lying to me so I could have a chance to grasp onto you and Will. Your love and light was stronger than my shame. I know what happened between the two of you was an act of desperation. I felt a taste of that despair when you got shot. I don’t like it, but I accept it.”

Hailey let the words wash over her and then through her. His pain was evident, like a blazing sun. It was undeniable. Her admiration for his ability to dig deep enough to reveal the depths of his shame could not be put into words.

She recalled Esther telling her that somethings aren’t a negative that teach you and become a positive. Some things are just so awful that you are forever changed. Her advice was for Hailey to make Jay believe that the changed Jay Halstead was just as worthy of her love as the prior iteration.

So Hailey took that hard-earned wisdom and did just that.

She knew Jay wanted intimacy. She also knew that it had to be at his pace, not a millisecond faster.

So she proceeded gently, yes, but with complete command.

“Whenever you want to stop, just say the word,” she told him. He nodded with his full throttled desire directed in her eyes.

Hailey decided first to validate his new body. Show him how beautifully worthy he truly was.

She slowly unbuttoned his shirt while repeatedly checking in with his eyes to make sure this was ok. As his gaze validated her advances, she continued.

His shirt slid down and his scarring was on full display. For a moment he was self-conscious, but she made the ‘shhh’ gesture with her finger against his lips.

As if methodically healing each wound, one by one, Hailey kissed each cigarette burn, each stitch scar, each mark from his shackles and manacles.

She caressed his rock-hard stomach and back. Each muscle was so defined. Each piece of him told a story. His scarring only made him a more spectacular piece of art.

All that he endured, all that he overcame. His body was the literal embodiment of resilience.

Now it was his turn. Hailey let him take lead and remove her top. He kissed her and moved his hands on her hips like he was handling a delicate vase. Her ribs had yet to fully heal and he handled her with the utmost care. She pushed his hands to let him know he could move harder, she had full faith he would always lead with the fierce tenderness that comprised his soul.

As their arousal continued towards apex, the moment of truth presented itself.

Hailey knew this was what scared Jay most…accepting the accelerated heartbeat and awareness as pleasure, not panic.

“We are here. Right here. No one else. This is real,” she whispered in his ear.

Jay went to unhook her bra. There was no going back. Either he would let fight or flight take over or he would let Hailey’s eyes lead him to where he had dreamt of going for so very long.

His hands touched her chest and warmth flowed through his extremities.

She slowly began to unbuckle his belt, giving him every opportunity to pull back. He didn’t take it.

“If you need to stop, just say the word,” she offered.

He continued to kiss in response.

“Where you go, I go,” Hailey seductively assured into his ear.

And together they went to the magnificent place only lovers go.

They certainly were not virgins. So when a uniquely spectacular nirvana was reached, they each knew this was something special. Maybe it was because their love ran to the ends of the earth or maybe because they shared such a unique and profound understanding of one another… but where they went in each other’s arms was a high neither had ever experienced before.

In that sacred place between heaven and earth they found themselves whole and pure. No baggage or trauma came along for the ride.  

If the truest form of intimacy was revealing your truth to your partner and finding full acceptance in return, then this moment was that on steroids.

Jay’s body told a story of pain, cruelty, brokenness. Hailey took it all in and reflected back love, acceptance, strength.

Hailey’s body told a story of magnificence, beauty, fragility. Jay absorbed it all and reflected back love, understanding, forgiveness.

They would forever be intertwined, and no man or woman had the power to change that fact.

“I think we messed up,” Hailey whispered as they lay in the afterglow.

“Uhh, if that was messing up, I don’t want to be right.” Jay smirked back.

“That was supposed to be our 100^th activity of making love, without making love,” she reminded him with a warm laugh.

“Oops!”

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Adam and Kevin helped move the last of the boxes out of Jay’s studio apartment and into the U-Haul. Jay was a simple guy. He hadn’t accumulated much during his tenure in supportive housing.

He had just finished saying his goodbyes to the staff and tenants. This place wasn’t fancy, but it was an integral part of reclaiming his independence and sense of self-worth.

Hailey went to get the car as the rest of the crew said their goodbyes.

“We got this,” Kevin assured Jay as he and Adam climbed into the U-Hual. “You ride with Hailey. We will meet you back at your place to unload.”

Jay was waiting at the corner when Hailey pulled up in Jay’s RAM truck.

She saw his eyes double in size as the car window rolled down.

“You’ve got your contact lenses in, you want to drive?” she said with a sweet encouraging look.

He hadn’t driven in forever. He was utterly shocked the truck hadn’t been reissued by CPD. Hank Voight may have had something to do with that.

“Come on!” Hailey urged as she slid into the passenger seat.

Jay climbed in and adjusted the mirrors to his size.

“You really are a tiny pocket rocket, aren’t you?” he teased as he had to move the seat back a lot to accommodate his legs.

“Oh shut up,” Hailey laughed hitting him playfully in the chest.

Voight wanted Jay back in intelligence.

Physically he would never be 100% of what he was, but 90% of Jay Halstead was better than 100% of anyone else Hank assured him.

Despite his imperfect eye, Jay’s sniper skills were still intact. He scored perfectly on his relicensing test at the shooting range.

It really was up to Jay to decide if that was what he wanted.

“Do you want me to come with you to the dermatologic surgeon tomorrow?” Hailey asked as he pulled away from the curb.

“I cancelled the appointment,” he answered nonchalantly.

“Yeah? Everything ok?” Hailey asked.

“Yeah. I thought about it a lot. Erasing my scars would be trying to erase a part of myself,” he answered referencing Esther’s answer to accepting the permanent tattoo on her arm.

“They remind me of what I overcame. What I will always be fighting for,” he added.

His inner strength bowled her over.

She caressed his arm and tried to make it seem totally cool, no big deal that her husband had made it to the point of no longer feeling shame.

Searching for levity and trying to play this revelation as casually as she could, Hailey whined, “Ugh I forgot to have breakfast this morning. I’m starving.”

“Want me to stop and grab you something?” Jay asked.

“You can just pull over to that convenience store. You want anything?” she offered as an easy option.

He nodded no and watched his beloved blonde babe of a wife bounce out of the car.

A few minutes later she jumped back in with a snickers bar in hand. Ripping off the plastic and taking a satisfying bite, she smiled at her beautiful man.

“I can’t believe you still eat that stuff,” he said with a playfully judgmental look.

“It gets the job done,” she smirks triumphantly.

“Hey, you’ve got a little something,” he says pointing to the chocolate smeared on her lower lip.

Jay is transported by her big toothy smile. His love. His home. His refuge.

Instead of saying, don’t you dare, Hailey’s grin invites him for a kiss.

“I better help you with that,” he says bringing his lips to hers.

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His memories returned to their rightful place. His confidence restored to its healthy place. His love remained securely in place. #Upstead Forever.

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