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Chapter Text

Life in Exile

Soft candle light around here
Lanterns casting a peaceful glow
The fire drifting one to sleep
The sounds of flipping pages

Gathering around the fire
Feeling the warmth flow
Hearing the fire crackle and pop
So very gently, like a mother’s lullaby

One can all the sounds
That nature brings
The movement of the wind
The tweeting of the birds

Can you hear the quiet footsteps
Can you hear the winding river
Can you see the sky
Dotted with tiny specks of color

Misty woods to get lost in
Wild mushrooms housing
All the little creatures
Discovering the blissful things

And as we sit and read
We think of peaceful times
When everyone
Was like we are now

Chapter Text

Every time I sigh
I always think of why?
I’m rather depressed
Keeping it repressed
It hurts me
I would love to flee
From all my pain
It makes me insane
My face is blank
The world, a tank
Fighting my death
Take my last breath
But never the same
They think it’s a game
It’s my lifeline
They think it’s divine
My flowing blood
They call me their bud
They think I’m their friend
All I do, is plot my end

Chapter Text

Once again, trapped in my head
Thinking my failure in life
I look at the world with brightness
But never any back

I keep my secrets closer and closer
To me, and never let anyone
Close to them in fear
That they will hate me

I try to keep my happiness
I try to learn and leave
But flowing wine and water
Through me, is just blood

Mazes and puzzles cloud
My prescription for medicine
To keep me a floating
One touch and I sink

Chapter Text

The water flows around me now
It ebbs and flows away
It circles round my very eyes
I never look away

I’m hypnotized by flowing waves
The water is stars sparkling
It’s beautiful never ending now
Pure and clean and unending

Flowing away on river
I float here and I float away
The water is clear as can be
I float here and away

The river, it floods into sea
Soon the water is impure
All I see is now plastic
And garbage waltzing with fish

This is a devastating state
The ocean is now dying
People seem to be uncaring,
Uncaring if they die

I float back to my river home
The impurities have spread
My home and now my life, are gone
Everything I built, gone

The water is acid on my fins
It burns and I can’t leave
The water, now acid
It burned through my fins

I can no longer swim to fresh water
I want to live, but I can’t
I guess I’ll here forever then
I’ll never leave again

The water used to be
So innocent and pure
But thanks to humans, no more
I curse your name

Chapter Text

Let it be known that I don't cut
But, sometimes, I wish I could
To carve off pieces of my very flesh
To harm myself and myself bleed
I want my skin in ribbons
My flesh in bite sized cubes
My blood in glasses
All set on a table for people to dine on
My self esteem and confidence
Is just completely non existing
And I can’t bring myself to
Let it grow out and be
I want pieces of myself to rain down
On the ground for people
Who just walk by, stepping
On every little bit of me
My mind is filled with horrid thoughts
Of mutilating my body
And tossing it in the trash
Where it belongs
And I hide behind a mask
Of indifference to make sure
That no one else
Knows these feelings
Because I don’t want them
To know what I feel
And I know they mean well,
But I sometimes, just can’t seem
To find anything good
In the words that they
Feed me like a baby
Trying to walk and run
I wish to pluck my brain
From my head and
Give a beating for
The images it gives me for
Wanting such a drastic end
To my life and
I just don’t want to live anymore…

Chapter Text

Soft dreams float above my head
They sing in harmony
With little harps and flutes
The melody of sleep
Is serenading me
I succumb to the sounds
Of lullabies played
By angels on clouds
Of golden silk
I watch them as my eyes close
Soon the realm of dreams
Is opened to me
And I dream
Of a new day with
Nothing but beauty
In the world

Chapter Text

I’m on a journey with people that I trust
I love them and I give them a part of me
I give my soul up to them
A precious item of my very being
Something that I should not have done
As I give more and more of myself away
I lose myself to anger and I lash out
But not to them, not my friends
We may grow in size by the day
But we are close and I am happy
We have bad eggs sometimes
And they crush my soul piece
When they leave, they literally crush me
Part of myself dies and I am hurt
By the way they leave me broken
I cry for the part of me that will
Never be repaired, the hole in my soul
Will never be filled again
I can’t do anything besides
Relying on my friends who
Are ever by my side
I give them more and more
Of my soul, and yet,
They fucking turn on me!
They crush me and they kill me!
I feel so betrayed!
By the way they just carelessly
Throw me out, like garbage!
They call me names and trash on me
And I don’t do anything
Because they are my friends
But this, I can’t leave
I summoned the gates of Hell
Burning fire and my anguish
Is undying, like the flames
That will forever scar my
Betrayers in their very soul
I will never get my soul back
So the remaining pieces
I take and bury
Among the friends who have died
Protecting me from the fiends
That called themselves my friends

Chapter Text

It’s hard to accept something that someone says
They say you’re good at it, whatever it may be
And it’s hard to accept that
When others say you’re not
You do the best you can
And you climb and achieve great things
And then, they say
“You’re no good, even I can do better”
And you cry about it
Because sometimes, you believe it
Even when you know they can’t
Sometimes, your own family says you can’t
And that’s even worse
When they say you can’t, it really hurts
It’s hard to fight that mentality
When you believe it to be true
And then, you know it’s not
But now, you’re forcing yourself to be
Something, someone, you’re not
And when you try to break free
The thoughts come back
And they say you can’t,
Even though you can
Sometimes, it can take years
To try and break this mold
This something that you conformed to
And you. can’t. break. free.
You know you can,
You hope you can
But deep down,
You can’t

Chapter Text

I’m not scared of the dark
I’m scared of what’s in the dark
Or better, who is in the dark
I tiptop in the quiet house
Listening for footsteps
That I know don’t exist
I feel eyes watching me
From somewhere near
And I rush back to my safe space
And hope they don’t follow
I am scared that something
Will happen when I don’t
Expect it

Chapter Text

My mind is not simple
It is complex with endless
Features and gizmos
Scattered around my home
The many rooms all
Connecting with tunnels
Secretly leading
Away from the blood
That pumps my very being
Endlessly wandering
In my mind will
Never bring you to me
Because hiding in my head
Is easy for me
I twist and turn these
Roads and tunnels
Cracking the sidewalks
Like breaking bread
Simple to hide behind
And not show my face
The many rooms you see
Are just disgusting
And disappointing
And I hope you never
See the heart with the
Black that has infected the red
I’m scared of when I leave
Something will change
And I can’t stop it
From shoving its way
Out of my pores and eyes
I don’t want you
To find the darkest room
That my very soul
Hides in the blackest
Of the night sky
I hide there and watch
Through a screen
As I act and play out
A life that I wish was mine
But, here I hide
Behind a one sided window
Watching people interact
But never seeing me……

Chapter Text

I am an angel with wings of golden white
My wings are gorgeous as told to me
By the others who I know envy me
They plan something behind my back
I am pushed, pulled, and pinned
To the very ground of the Earth
I am scared as my wings are bound
I scream in agony as my wings
Are sawed off, feeling the nerves sever
The gore left behind, the stubs on my back
My body they leave there, laughing
At the very pain they cause me
In my pain and torment,
I touched my eyes and dug my fingers
Into my eye sockets and tugged
And they popped out,
Like bubble gum popping
Now, I could not see and I was not glad
I had to do more…..
My nails, covered in blood
Scratched my silky skin
Until it was nothing but bloody ribbons
That I ripped off and bandaged
Around my head covering me
My hair, a beautiful red, my mother told me
Was now an unnatural shade of
Blood red mixed with flesh
As I held my head, still screaming
I could not make myself happy
With the pain I caused upon myself
I needed more…..
I stood up and my organs
Fall to the floor, making a squelching sound
I fell back down and petted my organs
They were slimy and squishable
I picked them up and shoved
Them back in my body
But they fell out again
And I fell again
And I stopped
And I cried

Chapter Text

Have you felt forgotten?
Have you lost your friends?
Have you lost them to time itself
Or they never made amends?

My grade school friends are gone
They are alive but still
I feel so freaking alone sometimes
A hole with nothing to fill

They text and chat all day long
About things I don’t understand
Fortnight and Roblox and other things
Including something planned

I want to reconnect
But they have hurt me before
My self esteem long gone
Calling me a whore

They seem to forget me
And think about themselves
COVID-19 came along
And they think of something else

The pandemic made me lonely
So very, far away
I feel so sad and cold sometimes
Like a castaway

They remember every now and then
Forever do I hope
That one day they’ll remember me
And I will hold this rope

I wish they would remember
I loved them as my friends
But sometimes, things have to close
And this will be the ends

Chapter Text

I am speckles
Speckled with the stars
Of the night sky
Tiny balls of gas and flames
Brightly shining on my skin
As dark as night
Stars are dotted
On my arms, legs, hands
Anywhere they can be seen
I am speckles
Still speckled with the stars
That come from my eyes
And stain my skin
With droplets of flames and gas
That burn into me
They speckle me
And I am speckled
With the stars that are burns

Chapter Text

To be blue is to be sad
To cry and to tear up
But blue is to also be calm
And collected, observing
To find inner peace
And relax in your own body

To be red is to be angry
Full of hate and red stained eyes
But red is also full of love
And emotion, burning brightly
Red is the fuel one can need
To feel, to be alive

To be yellow is to be happy
Full of joy and mellowness
But yellow is also toxic
Neon colors of poison
Of sickly sweet words tainting
The mind of false dreams

To be green is to be envious
To want more and more
But green is also mild
Grateful for what you have
To walk in a forest and
Find joy in the simplicity of nature

To be orange is to be sour
Negative energy surrounding
But orange is also sensitive
Too harsh and orange works against
Orange is sweet if treated
Lovingly and full of life

To be purple is to be unliked
Not many can love purple
But purple is also royalty
Rich in colors and in taste
Liquid beauty in all life
A color that ties it all together

Chapter Text

We grow day by day
And night by night
The stem we are on
Has many petals
So very many petals
And we grow on them
Some petals rot
And flutter away
And some, while fresh
Also flutter away
I’m scared that my petal
Will flutter away because
People forgot about me
And there were too many
Petals on the stem
And they had to let some
Go and flutter
In the wind
Away from the stem

Chapter Text

God, I don’t know how to start this…
I guess the first thing is, that
I hope I don’t sound creepy
Or anything that would
Indicate to make you think
That I’m a stalker

I’m just a fan, who’s
Depressed and sitting
On my bed, not eating
Cause I don’t feel like leaving
I’m laying down, scrolling
Through social media
Liking your posts
That aren’t related to today

I’m just a fan, a relatively new one
To be honest… and I feel like
That I should’ve been one
Since the beginning
I knew you from the
Popular music
The stuff that everyone knows
Cause it’s the stuff that everyone knows

I’m just a fan, and I’ve been
Diving into all the music
That you’ve produced
Over the years,
Because I’ve never
Vibed so much to just one band
So much so, that now I wonder
What the hell have I been doing
To have never had you
In my life at all

I’m just a fan, who now just wants
To listen to all the music you’ve made
Your music has been hiding
Overshadowed by others
Your music is a hidden genre
That I’m happy to find
And binge and enjoy

I’m just a fan, mindlessly
Consuming everything
That you’ve shared,
Posted, wrote…
I want to know more,
But don’t want to seem
Creepy or obnoxious or
Obsessed

I’m just a fan, I’ll never be noticed
In a crowd, online, not even outside
I can dream that you will,
But reality is something
And I know you won’t
I can leave likes
Comments, go to concerts
All of them, if I could
And never be noticed
Not that I want to be
But it would be cool

I’m just a fan, writing this poem…
Thinking that if I post it,
You might see it
And just think about it
Like I think about your music
And how much that impacted
My life for not even that long

I’m just a fan, typing my heart out
Your music ebbs through me
And now that this music is here
I’m not going to stop
Listening, longing

I’m just a fan, who finds all this
Relatable, even if some of
The music doesn’t apply to me
I can’t help but listen
And think of what if

I’m just a fan, wondering,
If I’m a true fan,
You might say I am,
Listening, learning,
Singing all the songs that
I can remember
But there are better people
Who are more your fans
Than I am
But that’s not true

I’m just a fan, and I’m crying
All these people, who know you
And follow you, and listen to you
Are your fans and I can’t be
I’m new and new fans
Are always welcome
But sometimes
It doesn’t feel like it

I’m just a fan, a depressed one
Sitting on my bed,
Scrolling through content
From years ago…
I don’t want to do anything
And my head won’t let me
And my body is weak
So I’m writing this

I’m just a fan
And I hope you
Can see that

Chapter Text

I can’t stand on the ground
When I have nothing to stand on
I can’t stand my ground
When I let people walk over me
I can’t stand on my feet
When I have no legs
I can’t stand up for myself
When I have no confidence
I can’t understand the simple feeling of love
When I don’t know what love is to me
I can’t understand myself
When I’m not there to begin with
I can’t be alive or aware
When I’m not degrading myself
To the point of nothingness
On the ground that doesn’t exist
That I fall in the void wondering
How on earth am I going to
Stand back up when all I am
Is nothing

Chapter Text

How can one accurately portray the world
Through the music of an instrument
The beginning of the flower seed
That slowly grew in the sound of music
How delicately can one play
The soft notes on a piano
To represent the blossoms that bloom
In the spring time
How can the harsh sounds of rain fall
And thunder come together
Into one beautiful piece of music
With no imperfections
How can the wind whistle
And the rain drizzle
And the grass dazzle
In the sunlight as melodies of symphonies
Come together and don’t clash
In the beauty of the universe

Chapter Text

What is love to me?
The definition of love is
An intense feeling of deep affection
But, I don’t know what that is
What is love to me?
I say I love my family
Is that love to me?
Would I be able to love in a relationship?
Am I aromantic?
Do I just not know love?
What is love to me?
Do I love my family and friends?
I really don’t know
I feel like I haven’t experienced love
And I may never feel love
Because someone could love me
Or well, like me
And I would never know
I don’t know what love is to me
What is love to me?
Can I find out?
Or am I just never going to know
What love is to me?

Chapter Text

I lived in the void
Alone, away, from people
Until someone brought me out
They gave me a friend
And gave me more
But then, they left
And the others left
More friends came
As I grew up
Four years and am
Only in contact with one
I have new friends now
College friends and
Online friends
But, what if…
What if they also leave me?

Chapter Text

I’m alone, hiding in my memories
The scratching of my fingertips
On the brick wall
Leaves blood on my hands
It stains and I never wash them
I’m alone, wandering around
I feel blind, seeing but unknowing
I touch the softness of my blanket
Staining it with the blood on my hands
I can’t escape my thoughts
I want to die, but mysteriously
Keep living for the family
That loves me and I love them
But, I can’t help but feel lonely
I have support but I don’t express
My feelings of longing for death
Sometimes, I feel like a clone of myself
Just watching the world go by
With these useless feelings
That make me want to go
My friends from grade school
Play video games and
Do they know I’m there?
Why won’t they talk to me?
I feel like I’m drowning
Under the pressure of a facade
That I crafted and play out
Of a happy child and adult
But I don’t want to anymore
I’d rather leave the world behind
And fall to the ground
In a hopeless splatter
That no one will ever see
The only thing remaining
Is the red on my hands
That makes me unclean