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Leo considered himself a bad person, he knew he was, even if it was unintentional, he had done bad things in the past even if it was never with a premeditated intention to harm, he was a bad person.
He had never given much thought to himself or why he did the things he did, not until he started therapy at least, and he doesn't know whether to be grateful or terrified.
Leo's entire life seemed motivated by one thing: "I want to be loved," something that perhaps many people can take for granted, "your family loves you, your parents love you, your pet loves you." Maybe that applies to many people, but not to Leo, Leo had to earn that love.
The first time he realized this he would have been about 8 years old, his father had begun to train them formally and although Leo liked to train he was not as emotionally involved as his father, he was just like his brothers in that sense, who had things that they liked a little bit more, it was around that time that Donnie managed to get the old television they rescued to have access to the cable signal and that was when Leo developed his first love. That was the day Leo saw an episode of Space Heroes for the first time and the plot completely captured him, it was a world totally foreign to his and it captivated him, unfortunately for Leo they only broadcast the program 1 hour per day and they still haven't found a way to save the shows so Leo was holding onto whatever he could get, he agreed not to use the television, just to watch Space Heroes, he gave up all the extra time to his brothers in exchange for being allowed to watch Space Heroes uninterrupted. His brothers accepted of course and Leo incorporated this element into his routine, his enthusiasm did not diminish one bit in the following weeks and although his brothers were delighted with television, none of them developed such a great love for any particular show on it way Leo did it.
Leo was bursting with energy every time he thought about Space Heroes, jumping up and down and waving his hands with a lot of eager energy whenever the time to watch his beloved show approached, and he would rant to his siblings about the great episodes or quotes from the show Captain Ryan.
Leo believed he had a good relationship with his father, or at least it wasn't bad, but except for training and meal times, Leo didn't usually bother his father much, at least not except on the day of the incident. That day Leo had seen the culmination of a particularly great Space Heroes arc and as always Leo approached his brothers to tell it, but his brothers were a little tired of hearing him babble about Space Heroes and suggested that he bother his father with it, Leo thought it was a good idea, he would tell his brothers another time, they just needed a break so Leo ran to the dojo to tell his father, he found him meditating, Leo knew that his father liked to meditate so he tried never to interrupt him but he needed to tell someone about how exciting that day's episode had been or he was going to explode.
His father seemed alert at first since it was rare for any of his children to burst in, then when Leo's ramblings made him see that there was no danger, he changed to a face of confusion that little by little closed until he looked completely disinterested.
“and then Captain Ryan took his gun…
“Leonardo! I understand that you like that cartoon, but you should focus on things a little more important, my son.”
Leo had remained silent upon hearing his name, he looked at his father trying to understand.
“It's good to have fun, but don't get obsessed with things that won't leave you anything in the end, you have a lot of potential, don't waste it, I know that you will make me proud my son.”
Leo felt a cold and deep blow in his chest, because for Leo Space Heroes was everything, he saw himself in the characters and feeling that for Splinter it was something unimportant or that it didn't contribute anything was devastating, (even if In the eyes of others it was something very small or unimportant) That day he felt his father's rejection of a very big part of Leo's identity, he never mentioned the show with his father again and he did the same with his brothers now that he was aware of how annoying he was for others, yet he continued watching Space Heroes.
As the days since the incident passed, Leo realized that his father tended to be more affectionate or attentive when Leo spent more time training than his brothers, when he listened to everything Splinter said and asked him about new techniques or stories about Japan, so he continued doing it, he continued listening to his father, being interested in what Splinter was interested in and never talking about him.
It worked, his father liked him when Leo was a good student, obedient, always willing to listen to his master and that he worked hard, Leo never spoke to him about Space Heroes again, or about his childhood fears, or what he did in his free time because he didn't want to be rejected again, he wanted to be loved by Splinter and it seemed that all his efforts paid off, of course, until Karai appeared.
His relationship with Karai had been a chaotic tango,Leo was thrilled when he met her but knew he couldn't approach his father to tell him about it, so he kept it a secret, until the truth came to light, Karai was Miwa and ever since Leo found out and saw Splinter's longing and sad face he knew that this was no longer about him, his feelings didn't matter, he had to make Splinter happy, he had to bring Miwa home again so he made sure to do it, no matter how risky it was, he had to accomplish his mission.
Leo never thought he would dare to say it out loud even if he was being tortured but a part of him, the meanest, bad and broken one, hated Karai a little, Karai who, without having interacted with her father for more than three hours, had earned more warm smiles and loving gestures from Splinter than Leo could tell in his entire life, Karai who was able to talk to her father about everything from her tastes, silly jokes, wishes and dreams, which Leo had never been able to do, at least not for more than 5 minutes without boring his father, but Leo tried to ignore that, Leo ran and ran away from that dark part telling himself that he was just a little jealous and that it was natural since his father would try to catch up with Karai and he couldn't pay so much attention to them, but deep down he knew that was a lie, and even knowing it was a lie, Leo clung, clung to the idea that if Karai stayed with them, maybe Splinter would appreciate him for giving him back his real daughter and maybe he would love him. But Leo knew he was fooling himself, because underneath all the pretty house play they had with Splinter Leo knew the truth, he and his brothers were never really Splinter's sons, they were just members of his clan, students, small green creatures that Splinter took care of so as not to live his condition as a mutant alone.
The first time he was able to admit it out loud was in his therapist's office, it was one of the worst days in Leo's life, he cried so much that the Dr. Berman allowed him to stay in the building for 3 more hours while he calmed down. The Dr. Berman gave him access to a small break room and monitored him every hour until Leo was stable enough to leave on his own. Leo arrived at the den with a tired step, he drank a glass of water and crashed into his bed, he slept all afternoon and a big part of the next day, his brothers were a little worried, but Leo dismissed them, blaming their inactivity on a possible flu. When his body didn't allow him to continue sleeping, he stayed tossing and turning in his bed. Images of his father haunted his vision and only depressed him more and more.
All the times his father was going to talk to him but seeing him behaving like a child or watching his favorite show so he walked away with his ears down, every time Leo showed his slightly silly and nerdy side he always seemed to be disappointing Splinter, it would never be good enough, because Leo couldn't really be Leo, he had to be the ideal student, because otherwise Leo wouldn't have Splinter's affection. Splinter didn't like the real Leo, or at least the few parts that Leo had developed before to dedicate himself body and soul to pleasing Splinter and Leo hated knowing it, knowing that none of his efforts were enough, he never managed to be anyone's number one, not Splinter, not Karai, not his brothers.
He could never be as important to others as others were to him.
And in perspective that explained a lot, because, despite loving his family deeply he was so emotionally distant with everyone around him, this had started little by little since Splinter's meeting with Karai, his psyche could not go through something so painful again. Discovering Dr. Fugitod's betrayal only sealed his conviction, but undoing the years of dedication and constant devotion to his master was not something easy to break, which is why even in his last moments Master Splinter remained a source motivation for Leo, which prevented him from letting himself be killed by Shredder even if he was tired of fighting.
And despite that, despite the fact that he invested his last breath and strength, Splinter's last loving gesture was for Miwa.
Leo hated to admit it, but a part of him resented that, that greedy part that longed to be his father's number one, to be someone's most important person, but he wasn't, Leo was a greedy, selfish person, jealous, resentful, and in need of attention so desperately that he was capable of committing suicide if Splinter asked him to.
And it was because of all this, because of all those ugly parts that constituted this broken individual that t Leo knew without fear of being wrong that he was a bad person.