Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Work hoes

11:54

Dazai: GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYHTUYBFJ

Kunikida: Why aren't you at work?

Atsushi: YEAH BRO I HAD TO DO ALL UR WORK I'M JUST A BOY

Ranpo: an orphan one at that

Atsushi: IKKK 😭😭

Dazai: ok well honestly i didnt cum in bc uhh yeah

Ranpo: oh ok, valid excuse

Atsushi: I don't like the way you spelled come...

Kunikida: Watch what happens to your scrawny ass tomorrow

Dazai: im a married man kunikida calm down there 😉

Kunikida: .

Dazai: <3

Atsushi: You're gonna get killed probs

Dazai: yoo dyu guys wanna know my genius idea or not??

Kunikida: If we listen to it, will you come in now?

Dazai: suree my dog isnt here anyways so im pretty lonely

Atsushi: I didn't know u had a dog that's mad

Ranpo: hes on abt chuuya

Dazai: im on about chuuya

Atsushi: Ah.

Dazai: BUT ANYWAYS!! should we have a gc w the pm?? like im litch married to a pm exec so is yosano and atsushis fucking one of them soo

Atsushi: I'M NOT FUCKING AKUTAGAWA

Dazai: ah yes my bad its the other way round

Atsushi: FUCKING KILL YOURSELFFF

Ranpo: woahh there atsushi he never said it was akutagawa

Ranpo: 🧐

Dazai: 🧐

Kunikida: 🧐

Yosano: 🧐

Kenji: 🧐

Kyouka: 🧐

Sigma: 🧐

Tanizaki: 🧐

Haruno: 🧐

Naomi: 🧐

Fukuzawa: 🧐

Atsushi: WHY DID EVERYONE AND THEIR MUMS COME ONLINE FOR THAT

Atsushi: EVEN THE PRESIDENT?? I CAN'T DO THIS NO MORE

Ranpo: well u did hear me scream EVERYONE GET ON THE FUCKING GROUPCHAT NOW they obv knew what to do!!

Dazai: HELPPP

Atsushi: IDIDNT THINK THEY WOULD LISTEN

Dazai: GUYS WERE GETTING SIDETRACKED

Dazai: acc im gonna make the gc regardless of what u say xx

Kunikida: Yes, whatever. NOW COME IN

Dazai: OK SOMEBODY MISSES ME

Kunikida: Dazai, I swear to god...

Dazai: OKOKKK IM COMING NOW

Dazai: ill make the gc after work so like everyones online

Atsushi: Okki

Yosano: Alrr

Ranpo: this could only end one way...

Atsushi: Murder?

Yosano: Gay sex?

Atsushi: YOSANO

Ranpo: ...

Ranpo: this could only end two ways…

Dazai: HAHAHA

The mafia 🤣🤣

17:10

Chuuya: guys

Higuchi: chuuya

Kajii: i stopped in the middle of a motorway to read this text it better be important

Tachihara: wait did u actually??

Kajii: nah i'm sat at home

Chuuya: ew u got home safe

Kajii: D:

Higuchi: stfu kajii chuuyas gotta say smth

Chuuya: thanks bb but im just giving u guys a headsup bc my husbands making a gc w us and the ada... so like yeah

Kouyou: That is absolutely wretched.

Chuuya: i know i know

Higuchi: well it aint that bad

Kouyou: DAZAIS IN IT.

Tachihara: exactly.

Chuuya: do you have a fucking problem with my husband tachihara?

Tachihara: KOUYOU MENTIONED HIM FIRST

Chuuya: and?

Tachihara: i

Chuuya: you?

Tachihara: im sorry

Chuuya: that's what i fucking thought

Gin: imagine getting humiliated like that michizou thats acc rlly embarrassing

Tachihara: listen

Tachihara: chuuyas rlly scary

Kajii: that is true.

Chuuya: thanks <33

Chuuya: oh fuck hes made it

Osamu Dazai has made a group chat called: "smart people + chuuya"

17:22

Dazai: heyy

Atsushi: Yoo

Chuuya: you have five seconds to change the gc name

Gin: lmaoo

Akutagawa: Why am I here?

 

Replying to: 

Chuuya: you have five seconds to change the gc name

Dazai: nope im keeping it <33

Replying to:

Akutagawa: Why am I here?

Dazai: hi akutagawa!

Akutagawa: OMGG HI DAZAI-SAN!!

Yosano: HELP THAT SWITCH IN TONE

Gin: hes too funny man

Atsushi: Akutagawa u act like he's god

Akutagawa: Ew stfu jinko why r u talking to me?? Watch what happens next time i see u

Atsushi: Can't wait

Yosano: gay fag

Ranpo: nah bro straight fag

Gin: tachihara's a straight fag

Tachihara: noo man im just straight trust

Chuuya: words of a fag

Gin: its the fact that no one believes you for me

Tachihara: >:(

Junichiro Tanizaki sent an image [its a selfie of him holding a whisk with batter w an apron that says kiss the chefs nipples]

Dazai: I LOVE UR APRON I WANNA BUY ONE FOR MY CHUUYA

Chuuya: ew man

Tanizaki: Thank you very much my sis got it for me!!

Naomi: 😚

Ranpo: oh the same sister u fuck?

Higuchi: WHAT

Chuuya: HUH!!??

Tachihara: bro what 😭

Kajii: and i thought mori was as weird as it gets

Chuuya: i thought tanizaki were one of the normal ones too

Atsushi: if only...

Tanizaki: I DON'T FUCK MY SISTER. I'M NOT ROMANTICALLY ATTRACTED TO MY SISTER. I'M NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO MY SISTER. I SEE HER HOW A BROTHER IS SUPPOSED TO SEE HIS SISTER. THE GUYS JUST MAKE THAT JOKE I SWR I'M NORMAL.

Tachihara: ohh i thought he was /srs

Yosano: /srs 😭

Ranpo: i am

Tanizaki: STOP

Ranpo: its so fun thooo

Tanizaki: NOT FOR ME

Chuuya: u got weirder friends than me osamu

Higuchi: one of ur friends has a lemon kink r u sure

Chuuya: that is true

Kajii: NOT a kink

Higuchi: ok babe

Dazai: more normal than chuuyas kinks

Yosano: YOO TELL TELL

Chuuya: NO STFU MY KINKS R NORMALLL

Dazai: sureee buddy

Chuuya Nakahara & Michizou Tachihara's chat

17:45

Tachihara: yoo chuuya

Tachihara: that tanizaki guy is kinda fit 😭😭

Chuuya: YOOO

Chuuya: BRO I THOUGHT U WERE STRAIGHT??

Tanizaki: me too but i think i might be biiiiiiii

Chuuya: omg

Chuuya: omg

Chuuya: i've been dreaming of days like this

Tachihara: shut it

Tachihara: do i like... text him?

Chuuya: no just wait for him to do it

Tachihara: okayy

Chuuya: BRO I WERE JOKING OBV TEXT HIM!! R U SLOW???

Tachihara: IM SCARED OK

Chuuya: ur in the mafia you don't get to be scared

Tachihara: aremt u afraid of the dark

Chuuya: dyu wanna get fucking beat again?

Tachihara: no imsorry

Chuuya: good

Tachihara: okkk im gon dm him now

Tachihara: wish me luck!!

Chuuya: good luck bb <33

Tachihara: <33

Chuuya: have u told gin shes like ur bsf

Tachihara: noo not yet shell tell him i think hes fit thinkin its doin any good

Chuuya: ohhrii

Chuuya: well tell me what he says

Tachihara: ofcc

Tachihara: cyaa <33

Chuuya: cyaaa <33

Chapter Text

smart people + chuuya

18:08

Chuuya: NO STFU MY KINKS R NORMALLL

Dazai: sureee buddy

Sigma sent an image [a pic of sigmas outfit, grey and lilac tank top and grey plaid pleaded mini skirt, black biker shorts underneath w a lilac satin cardigan and some jewellery and other accessories ofc]

Sigma: grey or purple lipstick

Yosano: Purple

Chuuya: grey

Gin: grey

Higuchi: purple

Sigma: ughghhh i dunnoo

Dazai: u dont need make up ur already beautiful sigma <33

Sigma: noo stfu dazai i hate u 

Dazai: BRO I WAS BEING NICE??

Hirotsu: Do grey

Dazai: HIROTSUUU

Chuuya: mans rose from the dead to give makeup advice

Higuchi: HELPPPP

Sigma: 😭😭😭

Hirotsu: Oh, I guess I just wont talk again

Chuuya: NOO IM SORRY

Kenji: Do half purple half grey to match ur hair!!

Sigma: GENIUS!!

Kenji: HII GUYS

Dazai: HII KENJII

Atsushi: YO KENJII

Ranpo: KENJI HEYY

Chuuya: r u the kid w super strength

Kenji: Yupp!!

Chuuya: ok

Dazai: i thought a cute moment was gonna happen there

Kyouka: me too

Atsushi: HII KYOUKA

Kyouka: hi sushi

Akutagawa: AWWW SUSHI HOW CUTEE

Kyouka: there is no way Akutagawa just said that

Atsushi: I'm so shocked

Akutagawa: NOO NOOOOOO GIN TOOK MY PHONE GUYSS BELIEVE ME

Gin: wyob im out w my girlfriend rn arent i ichiyo

Higuchi: yhh shes with me

Ichiyo Higuchi sent an image [a selfie of higuchi and gin chilling on a bench outside]

Akutagawa: NO YOU AREN'T

Akutagawa: THAT PICS FROM YESTERDAYYY

Hirotsu: You sound like a whiny little bitch right now. Just admit you find the were-tiger physically attractive, nobody gives a fuck.

Chuuya: TELL HIM GIRL

Higuchi: I TOOK 10 SCREENSHOTS I WAS SO SHOCKED HE SAID THAT

Dazai: YOO GET IT HIROTSU

Atsushi: IMAGINE GETTING VIOLATED LIKE THAT

Akutagawa: IM NOT DEALING WITH THIS RN ITS GIVING ME BAD SKIN

Atsushi: Ok Akutagawa!!

Chuuya: smooth skin girlie

Sigma: what 😭

Chuuya: i dunno man

Ranpo: sometimes i just smirk as i read the texts on this gc bc i just know if i say smth id get cancelled

Dazai: NO STOP SAMEE

Yosano: ME TOO MANNN ☠️☠️

Gin: hehe i did type that on his phone btw

Akutagawa: SEE???

Atsushi: Just because you didn't write it don't mean it's not true!!

Akutagawa: Now you're just getting a little bit too gassed jinko

Atsushi: Sorry

Chuuya: woof

Dazai: DOG DOG PUPPY DOG

Chuuya: NO YIU FUCKING SLUT WOOF AS IN WOOF THATS ROUGH BUDDY

Dazai: more like woof thats RUFF buddy 🤣🤣🤣

Chuuya: no because i actually hate you

Dazai: dont lie dont lie that was funny innit atsushi?

Atsushi: it kinda was

Dazai: THANK YOU

Ranpo: kinda was retarded

Chuuya: THANK YOU

Fukuzawa: Hello

Ranpo: YOO ITS THE MOFUCKING PRESIDENTT

Atsushi: OMG OMGHGMOMG

Fukuzawa: Ok, chill out Atsushi.

Atsushi: Yes sir

Dazai: help? 😭

Fukuzawa: Is, uh, Mori in this group chat?

Dazai: yes and his child bride

Mori: heyy :3

Fukuzawa: I'm going to kill myself.

Sigma: NOO PRESIDENT

Junichiro Tanizaki & Michizou Tachihara's chat

18:18

Tachihara: heyy

Tanizaki: Hii!

Tachihara: uhh im just texting bc u seem like the coolest out of everyone in the ada ngl

Tanizaki: Oh wow thank you!!

Tanizaki: Even if my first impression was probs making u think i was incestuous 😭😭

Tachihara: yhh but thats not true right?

Tanizaki: YEP YEP NOT TRUE

Tanizaki: Wanna know where the joke stemmed from?

Tachihara: sure

Tanizaki: So basically there's a vid my mum took where it's like me saying i wanna marry Naomi when I'm older and i like kiss her on the lips but I WAS 5 I DIDN'T KNOW I meant marry in a platonic way believe me 😟😟

Tachihara: oh well that aint that bad its kinda cute

Tanizaki: THANK YOUU I SHOWED IT TO MY FRIENDS THINKING THEY'D SAY THE SAME BUT THEY JUST CALLED ME AN OLD HILL-BILLY AND SHOULD PLAY HER A LOVE SONG ON MY BANJO 😭😭😭

Tachihara: HELPP WHICH ONE SAID THAT

Tanizaki: Yosano and Dazai 😓

Tachihara: well id much rather u play a love song to me yk 😘

Tanizaki: OMG STAWPP IDEK WHAT U LOOK LIKE

Michizou Tachihara sent an image [a pic of him coming out the shower and it cuts off at the towel bit so u can see water dripping down his abs and v-line 🤭 ]

Tanizaki: OH UR THAT ONEE

Tanizaki: STOP UR SO HOT??

Tanizaki: SORRY

Tachihara: don't apologise for complementing!

Tachihara: youre not too bad looking yourself (ur rlly rlly pretty)

Tanizaki: Thank you so much!!

Tanizaki: Is that the real reason u hit me up??

Tachihara: uh yes

Tanizaki: I'm glad u did tbh ur rlly rlly cool!!

Tachihara: likewise :)

Tachihara: dyu wanna like go out sometime? maybe tmr if ur free

Tanizaki: I'd love to!! What times good for you? I'm free past 6:30

Tachihara: hmm should we meet up at eight at vue cinema unless u wanna go somewhere else??

Tanizaki: Nope 8 at vue is perfect!! And we can go to the arcade too when we've finished with the film

Tachihara: yess thats perfecttt should we just go see wtv movies r showing then icba checking ☠️

Tanizaki: Suree

Tanizaki: It's a date 😊

Tachihara: sprry just felt my heart skip a beat there

Tanizaki: CUTIEE

Tachihara: STOP UR GONNA MAKE ME FAINT

Tanizaki: 😚

Tanizaki: Oh btw should I just call u Tachihara or is there smth else you prefer being called?

Tachihara: uhhh yeah u can call me michizou or michi its my first name

Tanizaki: Ooh ok u can call me Junichiro :)

Tachihara: cute name

Tanizaki: Aww thank you Michi! uve got a rlly nice name too <3

Tachihara: thank you juni <33

Tanizaki: Omg no ones ever given me that nickname beforeee

Tachihara: wait fr??

Tanizaki: Nope! Just Ichiro but I don't like that one too much bc it's like a whole ass other name dygm

Tachihara: yhyhh i get u plus juni is a rlly cute nickname

Tanizaki: Awh thank you so much Michizou!!

Tachihara: almost as cute as you but obviously ur past peak cuteness

Tanizaki: OMG STOPP IT UR MAKING ME GO PINK WTH

Junichiro Tanizaki sent an image [just him blushing!!]

Tachihara: YOURE JUST PROVING MY POINT HERE

Tanizaki: UGH I CANT WAIT TO GO TO THE CINEMA W U WTHH

Tachihara: ME TOO DWW ILL BE COUNTING DOWN THE SECONDS

Tanizaki: ME TOO ILL BE HAPPY NO MATTER WHAT TMR SINCE I KNOW ILL BE SEEING YOUU

Tachihara: I KNOWWWW I COULD GET BEAT WITH AN INCH OF MY LIFE BUT ID STILL BE HAPPY BC I GOT MEETING U TO LOOK FORWARD TO

Tanizaki: FRRR

Tachihara: yo the gcs getting a little insane

Tanizaki: Oh goodness it is we should probs intervene

Tachihara: or increase the insanity

Tanizaki: stop yeahh 😭

Tachihara: ttyl juni <33

Tanizaki: Ttyl Michi <333

Chapter Text

smart people + chuuya

18:29

Mori: i've missed you, fukuzawa

Mori: come back to me

Dazai: YO WHAT THE FUCK

Chuuya: BOSS????

Kajii: SINCE WHEN WAS THE AGENCIES PRESIDENT A LITTLE GIRL??

Fukuzawa: Don't speak

Mori: i'll do what i want

Higuchi: did u two used to date???

Fukuzawa: NO

Mori: nonoono

Mori: i only date little girls

Kyouka: why'd you put him in the same groupchat as me Dazai?

Dazai: I THOUGHT ITD BE FUN???

Elise: wagwan

Chuuya: WAGWAN??? UR FIVE SPEAK LIKE A FIVE YEAR OLD PLEASE

Mori: ELISE DEAR IVE BEEN LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR U WHERE R U???

Elise: im in osaka!!

Mori: NO WAY

Fukuzawa: Good. Run as fast as possible and never look back

Sigma: it's a um 6 hour drive??

Elise: i gave a nice man rintaros wallet and he drove me there for free!!

Fukuzawa: HA

Dazai: GOOD ON U ELISE

Mori: noo cum backkkk!!

Mori: actually im just going to send one of my men to get u i've implanted a tracking chip in ur arm :)

Elise: EWW

Replying to:

Mori: noo cum backkkk!!

Dazai: FUCK OFF THATS HOW I SPELL COME GET UR OWN JOKE U HACK

Mori: we're just so similar dazai

Dazai: kill yourself bro u smell like decomposition and ass

Chuuya: boss im really sorry about him i think u smell like

Chuuya: a man?

Mori: wow thanks chuuya

Yosano: 😭😭

Chuuya: sorry i just didn't know how to describe it

Dazai: yeah bc its just so rancid its like something humans were never meant to smell

Atsushi: You're so rude

Fukuzawa: No he's being really kind with his wording

Dazai: thanks president

Mori: u think ur tough shit dazai

Kouyou: Ur literally scared of him 

Mori: I'M NOT

Kouyou: Ok girl

Kouyou: I mean boss

Ranpo: i too call my boss girl sometimes dw

Kouyou: Imma worry ur rlly weird

Ranpo: :(

Yosano: its ok ranpo we still love u

Dazai: yeah were all a lot weird especially mori fucking pedophile fucking nonce fucking groomer fucking colleen ballingers little protege fucking john wayne gacy's number one fan

Gin: COLLEEN BALINGERS LITTLE PROTEGE I CANT

Mori: im not a pedo

Dazai: WYOB?? WYOB??

Yosano: WHAT DYU FUCKING MEAN BRO!!??

Kouyou: R U TAKING THE MICK WTF DYU MEAN UR NOT A PEDOPHILE??

Chuuya: LIKING A MINOR A LITTLE BIT TOO MUCH IS THE DEFINITION OF PEDOPHILIA WTF R U ON BOSS R U DRUGGED UP??

Higuchi: R U JOKING R U JOKING???

Ranpo: YOU'RE NOT FUNNY U LITTLE NONCE

Gin: YOU ARE THE DEFINITION OF PEDOPHILIA

Fukuzawa: NOW YOU'RE JUST STRAIGHT UP LYING

Atsushi: OK CHILD FUCKER WHATEVER U SAY

Kyouka: YOU HAVE SOME NERVE TO MAKE THAT CLAIM MORI

Elise: u r a pedophile.

Tachihara: what did i miss

Atsushi: A lot.

Tanizaki: What who's a nonce? Wait I'll just scroll up

Tanizaki: Oh ew

Elise: good response

Dazai: my honest reaction to mori too

Tachihara: boss no hard feelings but like how could u possibly say ur not a nonce when uhh u just said u only date kids earlier??

Mori: well you see the definition of pedophile is...

Fukuzawa: HERE HE GOES

Sigma: the president man i cant 😭😭

Dazai: yk ur losing when u have to pull up the definition to save u

Chuuya: atp just take the L boss

Ougai Mori sent an image [just the oxford definition of pedophile smh it says a person sexually attracted to children]

Mori: i am NOT sexually attracted to elise-chan!

Fukuzawa: Just romantically!

Ranpo: is this what we tell the police?

Yosano: STOPP THIS IS TOO GOOD-

Dazai: the judge will give u the electric chair if u dare repeat that case in a court of honour

Ranpo: nah bro a court of disrespect

Tanizaki: What r u spouting babe 😭

Ranpo: idk just having a fun time yk

Mori: whatever i dont need to deal with this anymore im going to my elise now

Elise: woah i found a noose i think its a sign from god to use it!

Mori: ELISE NOOO

Dazai: ELISE YESS

Tachihara: dazai can i add some of my friends uve probs met em before

Dazai: go for it ill give u admin

Tachihara: kk

Osamu Dazai gave Michizou Tachihara Admin

Michizou Tachihara added Saigiku Jouno, Tecchou Suehiro + 2 others

Teruko: where the FUCK am i?

Fukuchi: Tachihara why did u add me to this gc

Fukuzawa: NOPE

Fukuchi: OMG BAEFY HII

Yukichi Fukuzawa left

Fukuchi: NOO

Ranpo: sos

Osamu Dazai added Yukichi Fukuzawa

Fukuzawa: FUCK

Fukuchi: 🤗

Chapter Text

Chuuya Nakahara & Michizou Tachihara's chat

18:45

Tachihara: CHUUYA CHUUYA CHUUYANHF FFKFKJHIFHJBIGUIUU

Chuuya: WHATT

Tachihara: IM GOING ON A DATE W HIM TMR

Chuuya: NO WAYYY

Chuuya: EXCELLENT MAFIA CHARISMA U GOT THERE BRO WTH WHAT DID U SAY???

Tachihara: WAITWAITWAITIGUIHN

Chuuya: OKKOKK

Michizou Tachihara sent a video [a screen recording of his texts w tanizaki]

Tachihara: DONT BULLY ME OK IM SHOWING U THIS IN CONFIDENCE

Chuuya: I WONT I WONT

Chuuya: AWWW STOP THATS SO CUTEEE HES LITCH IN LOVE WITH U !!

Tachihara: I KNOWWW AGUUKAHJV

Tachihara: IM LIKE SOO GASSED RN ITS INSANE

Chuuya: AS YOU SHOULD BE KING

Chuuya: AT THE WEDDING U BETTER CREDIT ME FOR MAKING U TWO A THING

Tachihara: HELPP AT THE WEDDING YES YES OFC I WILL

Chuuya: GOOD GOOD

Chuuya: WHATRE U GONNA WEAR??

Tachihara: TO MY WEDDING??

Chuuya: NO U SILLY MONKEY TO THE DATE??

Tachihara: OHHH

Tachihara: UHHH

Tachihara: IDK MAN ILL FIGURE IT OUT SHOULD I GET HIM SMTH??

Chuuya: hmmm wear smth casual obv and nahh u should win him smth at the arcade instead

Tachihara: UR SO SMART CHUUYAAA

Chuuya: i'm giving you the MOST generic advice rn bubbs 😭

Tachihara: IKK BUT IVE NEVER BEEN ON A DATE BEFORE JUST ONE NIGHT STANDS

Chuuya: WHORE

Tachihara: STOPPP

Chuuya: WELL IN THAT CASE TRY NOT TO FUCK ON THE FIRST DATE OKK

Tachihara: UGHHH FINE

Chuuya: ATTABOY

smart people + chuuya

18:47

Fukuzawa: Dazai make him leave

Fukuchi: No Dazai let me stay

Dazai: imma let him stay

Fukuchi: Yay!

Fukuzawa: You're fired

Dazai: WHAT

Kunikida: I'M FREE

Dazai: YOU COME ONLINE JUST TO BULLY ME??

Kunikida: Of course

Dazai: :(

Atsushi: Guys I'm back I got scran

Ranpo: omg share pls xx

Atsushi: Of course <3 I'll bring u some snacks tommorow!!

Teruko: nobody cares

Ranpo: i care

Atsushi: Thank you Ranpo

Atsushi: But also,

Atsushi: TERUKO??

Tachihara: wait u two know each other??

Teruko: i have never seen this man in my life

Atsushi: DON'T LIE YOU KNOW MEEE

Teruko: ok delusional stranger

Atsushi: Cheeky bitch

Teruko: <33

Kenji: OMG TECCHOUS HERE TOO

Tecchou: hi kenji!!

Kenji: HIII!!

Kenji: If I were to have anybody as my brother here it would be Tecchou

Kenji: And Chuuya!!

Tecchou: aww

Tanizaki: That's sweet

Dazai: frr

Chuuya: why me?

Kenji: Because you're really really cool and strong and nice and pretty

Yosano: Omg yess chuuya is the prettiest man ever

Dazai: ik im so lucky

Kenji: Frr

Chuuya: oh well thank you

Dazai: hes blushing so hard rn

Chuuya: I'M NOT

Dazai: u blush everytime someone compliments you

Chuuya: i donttt

Yosano: proof or it didnt happen 

Chuuya: NO PROOF BC IT DIDN'T HAPPEN

Dazai: are you sure about that

Osamu Dazai sent an image [chuuya on his phone still rlly pink]

Higuchi: HOW RU SO PERRTY???

Teruko: you r rlly pretty i thought everyone was just exaggerating

Kouyou: UR SO CUTE CHUU !!

Tecchou: second prettiest guy in my books

Dazai: YEAH AND HE THINKS HES AVERAGE LOOKING

Kunikida: How

Teruko: i was gonna say maybe average looking compared to aphrodite but ur prettier than her

Yosano: chuuya ur litch stunning average looking is an insult

Kenji: You're very very very gorgeous

Chuuya: ok stop now i'm litch gonna die

Dazai: he had to go outside to the balcony bc his face was so red

Teruko: what an absolute cutie

Atsushi: Real

Fukuchi: Fukuzawa's prettier

Fukuzawa: No just shut up now

Fukuchi: Can't even compliment my husband anymore

Tecchou: YO WHAT THE FUCK

Kunikida: PRESIDENT??

Dazai: NO W AY

Ranpo: THE PRESIDENTS GAY??

 Yosano: RANPO THAT'S THE WRONG BIT TO BE SHOCKED ABOUT

Teruko: I KNEW SOMETHING WAS GOING ON WITH YOU TWO

Fukuzawa: I'M NOT MARRIED TO HIM. HE'S SO OBVIOUSLY LYING

Teruko: well not obviously

Fukuchi: I'm not lyinggg

Fukuzawa: I am going to kill myself

Dazai: yes then pres

Kunikida: Please don't commit a Dazai, President

Fukuzawa: I'll try Kunikida

Teruko: nothing wrong with a little havoc

Chuuya: its fun when shit hits the fan

Teruko: SO GUILLOTINE THEIR HEADS BY SHOUTING

Chuuya: CUT EM OFF LEAVE WATERS RED 

Teruko: i love you

Chuuya: i love you too

Fukuchi: What's happening

Teruko: chuuya likes portals i think

Chuuya: i LOVE portals

Teruko: omfgg what's ur fave Melanie song??

Chuuya: hmm either numbers or highschool sweethearts hbu??

Teruko: omgg amazing choice but mine is pacify her nymphology and lunchbox friends i can't pick just one 😭

Chuuya: omg ur so hot

Teruko: so r u

Tachihara: didnt u just meet??

Chuuya: yes

Tachihara: ok then!

Atsushi: Ohh portals is Melanie Martinez's new album right??

Chuuya: yess

Atsushi: I like evil

Teruko: IF YOU BITE MY HAND AGAIN

Chuuya: I WILL NEVER FEED YOU

Atsushi: YOU CAN CALL ME EVIL

Teruko: TAKE IT TO THE GRAVE IF YOU WANNA PLAY PRETEND

Chuuya: I WON'T BE MISTREATED

Atsushi: PLEASE CALL ME CONCEITED

Teruko: TOOK ME WAY TO LONG TO PUT THIS TO BED

Atsushi: LOVING YOU WAS LETHAL

Chuuya: GUESS THAT MAKES ME EVIL

Tachihara: no stop this song gives me ptsd from teruko blasting it all the damn time

Tecchou: frr i acc have trauma

Fukuchi: I like the fun little song

Fukuzawa: Nobody asked

Ranpo: oop

Fukuchi: YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE SO MEAN TO ME

Fukuzawa: How else am I supposed to humble you

Teruko: real

Fukuchi: OI

Teruko: tee hee

Tanizaki: I love k-12 crybaby and after school but I haven't listened to portals yet bc I felt like it'd be bad and it'd ruin the other albums for me

Teruko: NO LISTEN TO IT IT'S SO GOOD TRUST ME

Chuuya: YES I LITCH LOVE EVERY SONG IN THAT ALBUM

Tachihara: no dont juni its shit 

Teruko: ITS NOT THO U LITTLE SLAG

Chuuya: INNIT ITS SO YUMMY LISTEN TO IT

Tanizaki: Okk I will!! brb

Teruko: YIPEE

Ranpo: WAIT

Ranpo: r we just gonna gloss over it then

Kunikida: Gloss over what

Dazai: my ass cheeks

Ranpo: i ok no but we r going to gloss over the fact u just said that

Ranpo: but i was on abt the fact that tachihara jus called junichiro juni

Yosano: OMG YEAHH

Dazai: didnt u just know of each other rn by being in the same gc

Chuuya: guys stop prying into his personal life

Tachihara: yes

Ranpo: chuuya knows something 

Dazai: CHUUYA TELL ME PLEASE IM UR HUSBAND UR SOULMATE UR LOVER UR OTHER HALF THE LOVE OF UR LIFE UR TWIN FLAME UR PARTNER UR OTHER PART OF DOUBLE BLACK PLEASEEE

Chuuya: i feel like u could deduce it ur self smart ass

Dazai: i have but i just want u to show me the screen recording of the text msgs between them two

Yosano: OOH

Tachihara: OH FUCK

Ranpo: YOO THATS COLD

Chuuya: i don't have it

Dazai: you were smiling earlier whilst watching something going 'aww' 'oh my god!!' and 'thats so cute!'

Chuuya: well thats bc i were watching cute puppy videos

Dazai: no you werent

Chuuya: yes i was

Dazai: no because when u do u always show me some puppies and go 'osamu i want one i want one!!!'

Chuuya: stop exposing me

Tachihara: u can just show him chuuya its fine

Chuuya: okk

Gin: OI U LITTLE HOE U SHOW CHUUYA AND NOT ME

Tachihara: OH SHIT I COMPLETELY FORGOT ILL SEND IT U RN

Gin: GOOD

Ranpo: i think i deserve to see it too

Tachihara: who even are you

Ranpo: im like one of junichiros bffs 

Tachihara: then ask him to show u

Dazai: WOAH R U GIVING ATTITUDE TO MY BOY TACHIHARA

Tachihara: HOW AM IGIVING ATTIDTUDE?

Dazai: tut tut tut

Chuuya: say sorry porry dorry to ranpo right now michizou

Tachihara: no

Chuuya: what did u just say to me

Tachihara: im sorry porry

Chuuya: carry on

Tachihara: dorry

Chuuya: thats what i like to hear

Dazai: cringe

Tachihara: shut up ur so down bad for chuuya youd punch a newborn in the gut to make him happy

Chuuya: why would a newborn baby being punched in the gut make me happy what do u take me for?

Chuuya: i may be in the mafia but i still have a heart

Yosano: Innit he's not a monster he's just a human being

Chuuya: innit

Tachihara: it was a hypothetical situation

Dazai: ok i wouldnt punch a baby for chuu, id punch atsushi without a second thought but not an innocent baby

Atsushi: WHY ME!!??

Dazai: bc ur reactions to everything r rlly funny

Dazai: atsushi rmbr when i made you

Atsushi: NONOONNO DAZAI DON'T

Dazai: u dont even know what im about to say!!

Atsushi: But u only ever make me do embarrassing things

Chuuya: now i wanna know what u were gon say

Atsushi: no no no nonono no nono

Dazai: its fine its not bad

Atsushi: Alr finee tell them

Dazai: ok i was gonna say rmbr when we were walking home together and i made u do cartwheels as u crossed the road for vimto bonbons and cars kept on honking at u but u still carried on bc u were determined to get those cheeky bonbons

Chuuya: HELPPP

Gin: that's amazing

Kunikida: That is so pathetic Atsushi

Tachihara: omg no stop thats so bad ☠️

Ranpo: cheap slut

Yosano: No stop that's awful 😭

Atsushi: FUCK YOU I HATE U I THOUGHT U SAID IT WASN'T THAT BAD

Dazai: well compared to the other things i made u do its pretty tame

Atsushi: DIE 😭😭

Dazai: dyu want me to show everyone the video as well??

Atsushi: NONO IM SORRY I LOVE YOU

Dazai: thats what i thought

Chuuya: I WANNA SEE

Dazai: can i show chuuya?

Atsushi: NO WTF??

Chuuya: it's fine ik osamus password anyways

Dazai: oh yhh so he could just go on my phone and find my 'Atsushi cringe compilation 🤣🤣' album

Tachihara: thats a perfect name

Dazai: thank you

Atsushi: UGHH FINEE SHOW HIM THE VIDEO BUT DONT LET HIM SEE THE REST

Dazai: i have no control over that

Atsushi: Change your password?

Dazai: no way! i have the perfect one

Gin: what is it

Dazai: u think ur slick dont u

Gin: maybee

Chuuya: okkk i wont look through the album promise but i just need to see u cartwheel to cross the road

Dazai: ok ill send u it bc icba walking to the kitchen to show u

Chuuya: lazy ass

Dazai: do you want the video or not?

Chuuya: yes sir

Dazai: oh i think i just came

Atsushi: EWW MAN

Kunikida: What the fuck is wrong with you

Tachihara: ur fuckin nasty

Gin: that is quite vile

Chuuya: say sorry to me right now

Dazai: im very sorry chuu chuu train

Chuuya: say sorry again

Dazai: FOR WHAT??

Chuuya: for calling me chuu chuu train

Dazai: nah i aint saying sorry for that

Chuuya: oh ok it's just that i was gonna make crab for dinner but its fine

Dazai: NONOONO IM SORRY CHUUYA

Chuuya: that's what i like to hear

Fukuchi: Guys I'm really upset

Fukuzawa: Give a heart emoji if you give a fuck.

Fukuzawa: Wow that's shocking I don't see anything!

Fukuchi: SEE HE'S BEEN MEAN TO ME SINCE I JOINED

Fukuchi: LIKE I CALLED HIM EARLIER AND I JUST KEPT ON GETTING FLAMED

Ranpo: OH I WISH I WAS THERE TO SEE YOU CRY

Fukuchi: I DIDN'T CRY

Ranpo: suree buddy

Tecchou: ur obviously still crying right now sir

Fukuchi: TECCHOU UR MEANT TO BE ON MY SIDE HERE

Tecchou: nah bro i'm on the side of justice

Teruko: that's cold

Fukuchi: 😭😭😭

Dazai: i actually love this so much

Yosano: Me too me too

Fukuchi: is ANYONE gonna help me out here??

Teruko: only if i get a kiss!

Fukuchi: No

Teruko: then that is your answer

Fukuchi: :(

Fukuchi: I need my baes here

Fukuchi: Can someone give me adding privileges please

Dazai: adding privileges 😭 youre hard to hate

Osamu Dazai gave Ouchi Fukuchi Admin

Fukuzawa: Dazai what have you done

Fukuzawa: We're going to go to prison now for consorting with terrorists

Dazai: were consorting and courting with the mafia rn dont think it could get much worse

Yosano: Consorting and courting is the funniest non funny thing I've seen today

Dazai: thank you very much

Ouchi Fukuchi added Bram Stoker, Fyodor Dostoevsky + 1 other

Nikolai: HIII

Dazai: NAHH BRO NOT GOGOL U MUST BE MAD

Atsushi: NO WAY MAN

Nikolai: omg fedyas here too!! yayy

Fyodor: I'm going to kill myself

Dazai: no bc i am too

Chuuya: i can hear that disgusting russian accent through the screen

Atsushi: 🤮

Chapter Text

smart people + chuuya

19:09

Fyodor: So Dazai

Dazai: no shut up

Fyodor: I haven't found a chess partner as good as you

Nikolai: WHAT ABOUT ME???

Fyodor: BITCH I SAID WHAT I SAID

Teruko: I'D RATHER BE FAMOUS INSTEAD

Fyodor: I wasn't singing

Teruko: oh shi mb

Atsushi: 😭😭

Nikolai: but like wdym im not as good as dazai at chess if anything im BETTER at chess

Dazai: do you even know how to play

Nikolai: i doo

Fyodor: He doesn't

Nikolai: i dooo!!

Fyodor: You baked the bishop in a cake

Nikolai: YEAH I MADE THAT FOR UR BIRYHDAY AND U DIDNT EAT IT U CUNT

Fyodor: Oh yeah I'll just get led poisoning next time sorry!!

Nikolai: thank you

Gin: r u two dating

Fyodor: No I just met him right now

Nikolai: no but i have been stalking him for 13 years

Higuchi: ur like sooo in love

Atsushi: Fucking disgusting

Nikolai: who even are you 

Dazai: embarrassing isnt it atsushi

Atsushi: YOU KNOW ME MANN U STABBED ME FOR CHRISTS SAKE

Akutagawa: HA

Atsushi: SHUT UP AKUTAGAWA

Replying to:

Dazai: embarrassing isnt it atsushi

Atsushi: U HUSH IT TOO

Dazai: yes ma'am

Replying to:

Atsushi: YOU KNOW ME MANN U STABBED ME FOR CHRISTS SAKE

Nikolai: ?

Nikolai: be more specific babe

Higuchi: stop that's horrid 😭

Kunikida: Aren't you literal mafia?

Higuchi: ohh yeah

Atsushi: STABBED ME IN THE LEG

Nikolai: not tickling any balls

Higuchi: WHAT

Nikolai: not ringing any bells**

Higuchi: how did it even autocorrect to that

Nikolai: 🤷

Fyodor: Wait you don't even have auto correct on though??

Nikolai: haha yeahh

Higuchi: ok man ☠️

Replying to:

Nikolai: not ringing any bells**

Atsushi: Yk what I'll just show u what I look like

Atsushi Nakajima sent an image [selfie!!]

Nikolai: OHH ITS YOUUU

Nikolai: forgot how clapped u r

Akutagawa: OI

Akutagawa: LEAVE HIM THE FUCK ALONE CLOWN ASS FUCKING RAT TAIL HOMOPHOBIC EYED RUSSIAN COMMIE BASTARD BITCH HES FUCKING BEAUTIFUL 

Nikolai: JOKES JOKES HES NOT UGLY I WAS JOKING

Dazai: no way akutagawa no way

Chuuya: the two of u date now please

Fyodor: Are they not dating or at least..

Fyodor: Fucking??

Yosano: ACCORDING TO THEM TWO THEYRE NOT BUT YK... 👀

Atsushi Nakajima left 

Dazai: PICK ME BITCH

Osamu Dazai added Atsushi Nakajima

Dazai: WHYD U LEAVE BLUD

Atsushi: I'LL PRIV MSG

Chuuya: i hope u know i i'll be seeing those msgs also

Atsushi: I'M FINE WITH THAT HONESTLY

Fukuchi: GUYSS

Fyodor: what

Nikolai: WHATT

Jouno: What now

Tecchou: JOUNOO

Atsushi Nakajima & Osamu Dazai's chat

19:14

Atsushi: OK SO BASICALLY RIGHT

Dazai: Chuuya says hi

Replying to:

Atsushi: OK SO BASICALLY RIGHT

Dazai: YES YES

Atsushi: So two days ago I think I was taking a shortcut home like through an alleyway right and then I saw Akutagawa right and I did the fattest eyeroll ever because I could not be bothered to deal w him in that current moment in time so I was gonna walk past him and say nothing bc I couldn't be asked but then he was like 'hey Atsushi' and in my head i was like OMG HE DIDN'T CALL ME JINKO OR WERETIGER bc mind u before this he has NEVER called me by name well at least not to me like wtf?? At the most he would call me Nakajima like once every blue moon like there was literally a point where I straight up thought he forgot my name bc he never said ittt but I digress so yeah I was caught off guard bc he called me by my first name and also bc he said it so calmly like omfg wth!! So yeah I was caught hella off guard so I kinda like stutter as I say 'y-yeah what's up?' then he says 'how are you?'

Atsushi: DON'T SPEAK I'M NOT DONE

Dazai: OK DAMNN

Atsushi: BUT LIKE WHAT DOES HE MEAN HOW FUCKING R U????

Atsushi: Ok where's my hostile Akutagawa? What have you done with him? Bc this deffo ain't my favourite opp. My Akutagawa would've spat in my face and did a quick sweep of the leg and stomped on my body like what the actual frick?

Atsushi: Anyways u probably have picked up on this but whenever I'm nervous I like play w my legs 😭 like I swing them back and forth and hook one over the other ygm and I was doing this ever since he said hey Atsushi OBVIOUSLY bc nice Akutagawa kinda scares me more than evil Akutagawa so when he asked me about my damn well being I was so caught off guard I like tripped myself up somehow AND FELL FORWARD omfggg AND HE CAUGHT ME ONVGUHIGFJUKGJFJVKBL THEN HE WAS LIKE 'oh are you ok??' AND HELPED ME STAND UP STRAIGHT BUT HIS HANDS WERE STILL ON MY GODDAMN SHOULDERS LIKE FIRMLY/GENTLY GRIPPING THEM TOO YGM

Atsushi: I was then like 'oh I'm ok thank you! and I'm doing pretty good today!' SO HE SMILED, BRUSHED SOME DUST OFF MY SHOULDERS LET GO AND WENT 'I'm happy to hear' and I got such bad arrhythmia omg I felt like I was gonna BURST so my face was deffo bright pink bc I felt it burn up like there was no tommorow so I was going to go ask him how he was right but he then said 'well, it was fun running into you Atsushi but I gotta go now. See ya!' AND THEN FUCKING WALKED OFF LIKE HE DIDN'T MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THE MC IN A FUCKING WATTPAD STORY and I was trying to think rationally like ok maybe he's just trying to be nice and there's nothing more to it! And when he said HA in the gc when I said I got stabbed I was like oh thank God the normal Akutagawa is back BUT THEN HE HAD TO FUCKING RUIN THAT BY CALLING ME PRETTY AND DEFENDING ME WHEN NIKOLAI SAID I LOOKED CLAPPED SO I LEFT BC LIKE YEAH IDK MAN I WAS LIKE REALLY REALLY FLUSTERED 

Replying to:

Dazai: Chuuya says hi

Atsushi: HI CHUUYA

Dazai: omg ap english moment whyd u write an entire ESSAY babe

Atsushi: READ IT

Dazai: I AM GODDAMN 

Dazai: omfg he wants u he acc wants u sb its embarrassing

Atsushi: IK BUT LIKE WHY

Dazai: guess hes taking a liking to u

Atsushi: WHAT SHOULD I DOOOO

Dazai: idk

Atsushi: UR USELESS

Atsushi Nakajima has made a group chat called: "Operation AkuAtsu" 

19:21

Atsushi: CHUUYA HELP ME!!

Atsushi: DID U READ THE THING I SENT TO DAZAI

Chuuya: I DID

Atsushi: HELP ME WHAT DO I DO UR HUSBANDS A NOVICE 

Dazai: OI

Chuuya: HELP YEAH HE'S FUCKING RETARDED

Dazai: ok ive been bullied one too many times today

Chuuya: isn't that everyday

Atsushi: Doesn't that happen everyday

Chuuya: OYYYY

Atsushi: SICKKK

Dazai: im not loved am i

Chuuya: no ur not

Dazai: OI!

Atsushi: SHUT UP DAZAI

Atsushi: HELP ME CHUUYA IDK WHAT TO DOOOO

Atsushi: I have it the hardest in the world 😓

Chuuya: man this is like the second time i had to give relationship advice in the span of an hour

Replying to:

Atsushi: I have it the hardest in the world 😓

Dazai: bold claim but alright

Replying to:

Chuuya: man this is like the second time i had to give relationship advice in the span of an hour

Atsushi: Sorry!

Chuuya: no it's fine dw but like just an odd thing to happen twice

Chuuya: just text him be like heyy hru? and go from there he likes having small chats w most ppl or be like thx for saying im pretty in the gc it rlly made me happy smth like that if u wanna

Atsushi: Omgg okk that's perf I'll do that tysm!! ❤️

Chuuya: of coursee <33 tell us what he says

Atsushi: Okki

Replying to:

Atsushi: Omgg okk that's perf I'll do that tysm!! ❤️

Dazai: perf

Atsushi: Can't do anything in Yokohama anymore!

Dazai: what is perf

Atsushi: The fuck do you think it means Dazai? it's perfect for Pete's sake

Atsushi: Making me self conscious over here

Dazai: petes sake

Atsushi: STOP ITT 😭😭

Chuuya: right leave the kid alone osamu i say petes sake too

Dazai: ik u both talk like peepaws its mildly upsetting

Atsushi: Ok u used to call me lad and young chap alr

Dazai: used to ok

Dazai: ive matured now

Chuuya: right, 'matured'

Atsushi: Yeahh whatever u say Daz

Dazai: well whatever!! im gonna make dinner w my husband now

Chuuya: icba man we can just order in

Dazai: NO U SAID U WERE FOING TO MAKE CRABBBB

Chuuya: ughh okk finee

Dazai: yay i love you <33

Chuuya: i love you too 💖

Atsushi: Not in front of me guys

Dazai: we love you too atsushi <33

Chuuya: yes love you very much <33

Atsushi: Love you guys too 💞

Atsushi: R u two next to each other btw

Chuuya: nah i went upstairs to get a fag

Dazai: im chillaxing on the sofa in our living room

Atsushi: Ohh okk

Replying to:

Chuuya: nah i went upstairs to get a fag

Atsushi: Ew

Chuuya: i know im not proud of it either

Dazai: chuuya i think u look rlly sexy when u smoke

Dazai: or when u do anything tbh

Replying to:

Dazai: chuuya i think u look rlly sexy when u smoke

Atsushi: I've never seen him smoke but he probably does

Replying to:

Dazai: or when u do anything tbh

Atsushi: Real

Chuuya: alr shut up now ur making me wanna set myself on fire

Dazai: hot

Atsushi: Pun intended?

Dazai: pun intended.

Atsushi: Lit

Dazai: pun intended there?

Atsushi: No

Dazai: oh

Atsushi: Nah I'm joking pun was intended

Dazai: oh u little prankster!

Atsushi: Can't take me anywhere 😝

Chuuya: wth ☠️

Atsushi: GUYS STOP DISTRACTING ME I'M MENNA BE TEXTING MY MAN

Chuuya: OKOKKK were gon go now anywaysss cyaa atsu good luck xx

Dazai: yeah yea good luck!!

Atsushi: Thx guys cyaa ❤️ I'll report back soon

Dazai: okkk byeee

Chuuya: bye byeee!

Atsushi: Byeee!!

Chapter Text

smart people + chuuya

19:18

Fukuchi: GUYSS

Fyodor: What

Nikolai: WHATT

Jouno: What now

Tecchou: JOUNOO

Fukuchi: I'M GOING ON A DATE WITH FUKUZAWA

Nikolai: GO ON THEN FUKUCHI

Fyodor: Congratulations! It only took decades

Tecchou: ur lyinggg

Jouno: I don't buy it

Ranpo: WHATWHTWHAT

Yosano: PRESIDENT CONFIRM?

Fukuzawa: STOP LYING IT'S NOT A DATE

Fukuchi: It basically is

Replying to:

Fukuzawa: STOP LYING IT'S NOT A DATE

Jouno: What is it then?

Fukuchi: A date.

Fukuzawa: I'm giving him the chance to talk to me in person because he kept on begging to when I called him earlier. I just felt bad

Replying to:

Fukuchi: A date.

Fukuzawa: SHUT UP

Replying to:

Fukuzawa: STOP LYING IT'S NOT A DATE

Mori: good

Kouyou: Wdym good?

Fukuchi: Would you be jealous if it was a date?

Yosano: Yeahh would you?

Mori: no I just don't want him to find love

Jouno: What just because you can't grandpa?

Fukuchi: Woahh pump the brakes there Jouno he's my age!

Jouno: I know

Fukuchi: HEY

Fukuchi: Well done you're fired now

Jouno: No I'm not

Tecchou: no he's not

Fukuchi: Okay fine you're not

Teruko: r u even our boss atp

Jouno: Nah but fr tho

Fukuchi: I AM

Tachihara: Nuh uh

Fukuchi: Ugh I've lost the respect of everyone in my life... My mother was right

Fukuzawa: What mother

Jouno: HAHA

Fukuchi: 🥲

Replying to:

Jouno: What just because you can't grandpa?

Mori: hey watch it i'm a mafia boss you know

Yosano: Yk that genuinely means nothing to us right?

Jouno: I can't watch anything I'm blind

Tecchou: it's a shame u can never see how beautiful u r <3

Jouno: Cutie <3

Kouyou: Aww

Mori: wait how are u typing or reading the texts if you're blind

Fukuchi: Wow that's really fucking insensitive of you

Jouno: For fucking real

Mori: HOW? I WAS JUST ASKING

Tecchou: as if being a pedophile wasn't enough you have to be ableist too

Mori: 1. i am NOT ableist and 2. how do you know that i don't even know youu

Tecchou: i ran into kenji and kyouka yesterday and she was chatting absolute dog shit about u

Mori: oh

Kyouka: I like how ur admitting ur not ableist but u aren't denying being a pedo

Mori: noo I'm not one but like ugh like ughh like you know?

Kenji: No we don't really

Mori: Elise darling vouch for me here

Elise: kyouka ur wrong he's not a pedo

Mori: oh why thank you my precious Elise!

Elise: is what i would say if it was opposite day but its not! so kyouka ur right he is a pedo x

Mori: 💔

Elise: i litch hate u one of ur guys is gon come kidnap me back to yokohama and im dreading it like i wanna be in osaka sb

Mori: well too bad ur with me forever and ever! <33

Elise: buy me a million robux

Mori: ok my dear!

Elise: hoe

Jouno: Real

Mori: ELISE 😭😭

Fukuchi: oh how the turn tables

Tachihara: oh do u watch the office sir?

Fukuchi: What's the office

Fukuchi: I was just saying the expression 

Tachihara: i

Tachihara: ok

Fukuchi: But anyways its nice to see someone else being the butt of the joke for a change 

Teruko: ur always the butt of the joke deep down

Teruko: never forget that

Tecchou: mhmm

Ranpo: real

Fukuchi: Sigh

Ranpo: bro sighed

Fukuchi: Can't even express myself no more

Tecchou: so true so real so candid

Fukuchi: :'(

Nikolai: grind me down

Fyodor: Roll me up

Teruko: press me up against your lips

Nikolai: LET ME FILL

Fyodor: FILL YOUR LUNGS

Teruko: AND BREATHE ME OUT

Nikolai: song gives me a boner everytime i listen to it

Teruko: stop samee

Fukuchi: Teruko how do you know every song

Tecchou: ok tbf i do blast grind me down almost every time i'm working out

Jouno: It's jarring

Tecchou: ur jarring to my dick

Jouno: The fuck does that mean

Tecchou: not quite sure but dw it's a good thing

Replying to:

Tecchou: ok tbf i do blast grind me down almost every time i'm working out

Teruko: its such a sexy song

Tecchou: it's so sexyy

Tecchou: sexy like Jouno

Jouno: Shut the fuck up

Tecchou: yes i'm terribly sorry

Ranpo: ur like hunting dogs soukoku

Nikolai: what a soukoku

Tecchou: what's sudoku?

Jouno: You don't know what sudoku is?

Tecchou: i obv meant soukoku it autocorrected

Jouno: Ohh I didn't read up i was rlly confused on why u would just randomly say that

Tecchou: bro 😭

Replying to:

Nikolai: what a soukoku

Ranpo: dazai and chuuyas ship name

Tecchou: ohh ok

Yosano: Speaking of skk where r they? they like straight up died or smth

Kouyou: I hope Dazai does die tbh but not my precious Chuuya

Yosano: Oh 😭

Kenji: That's so rude to Dazai

Kouyou: I hate him

Fyodor: Me too

Kouyou: U got my respect for that

Fyodor: Same here

Kenji: Why do you hate him? He's a lovely person!

Kouyou: He gave my sweet baby child abandonment issues

Kenji: Ur child?

Kouyou: Chuuya!!

Kenji: Ohhh

Kenji: That's mean

Fyodor: Well I just hate him because he stinky

Kouyou: So true

Replying to:

Kenji: That's mean

Yosano: It is very mean can't believe I slept with him

Yosano: Haha I'm just kidding he's great

Kouyou: YOU WHAT

Kenji: I did not need to know that

Atsushi: Hey guys what did I miss?

Atsushi: YOU SLEPT WITH FUCKING DAZAI WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?? WHEN!?

Akutagawa: NO WAY YOU SLEPT WITH DAZAI SAN WHAT

Yosano: I thought everyone knew this ngl

Replying to:

Kenji: I did not need to know that

Yosano: Sorry Kenji!

Replying to:

Yosano: I thought everyone knew this ngl

Kouyou: NOT YOUR WIFE APPARENTLY

Yosano: Did I not tell u?

Kouyou: NOPE

Yosano: Oh

Ranpo: just me ig

Atsushi: @chuuyascockwarmer CONFUCKINGFIRM PLEASE

Yosano: I didn't even tell u like u just knew

Ranpo: im just omniscient like that

Atsushi: @chuuyascockwarmer

Yosano: That's real

Akutagawa: @chuuyascockwarmer YES PLEASE DO CONFIRM DAZAI

Nikolai: that username man

Fyodor: Yours is worse @FedyasxRussianxLicexNomNom

Nikolai: whatever you say @fyodorxdahmer

Replying to:

Atsushi: YOU SLEPT WITH FUCKING DAZAI WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?? WHEN!?

Yosano: Hmm like a month after you joined and the hookups lasted around like 2 months I was bi back then btw

Kouyou: That's so disgusting I'm acc gonna be sick

Yosano: You're so mean 😭

Nikolai: damn the sex was that bad it turned you lesbian

Kouyou: HAHAHA

Fyodor: HELPP

Yosano: STOPP LEAVE HIM ALONE IT WASN'T

Yosano: It was quite good actually

Kouyou: Omg ew stop talking stop talking

Yosano: I'm sorryy ur better anyway

Kouyou: Well I know that

Atsushi: @chuuyascockwarmer BRO COME ONLINE ALREADY

Akutagawa: @chuuyascockwarmer

Fyodor: @chuuyascockwarmer

Akutagawa: @chuuyascockwarmer

Kouyou: @chuuyascockwarmer

Atsushi: @chuuyascockwarmer

Dazai: WHAT

Atsushi: DID U AND YOSANO USED TO BANG??

Dazai: did i not tell u we did?

Atsushi: NO MAN

Chuuya: WHAT WHEN WHAT

Yosano: Read up

Akutagawa: It's shocking to me

Kouyou: Same here

Dazai: its really not that deep

Kouyou: STFU YES IT IS

Akutagawa: YES IT IS

Atsushi: YES IT BLOODY IS

Chuuya: EWWW

Chuuya: UR DICK WENT IN HER PUSSY?? EWWW

Dazai: LOVE WHYD U HAVE TO WORD IT LIKE THAT 😭😭

Replying to:

Chuuya: UR DICK WENT IN HER PUSSY?? EWWW

Yosano: Nah bro my strap on went up his ass

Ranpo: thats so real

Dazai: no donttt ppl will think its true 😓

Ranpo: is it not?

Yosano: Lol

Dazai: ughh

Chuuya: thats so mad tho

Chuuya: i feel like i needa reread it again w a clearer mind

Replying to:

Nikolai: damn the sex was that bad it turned you lesbian

Chuuya: OI WATCH IT GOGOL

Chuuya: his dicks the size of my fucking waist

Nikolai: which is

Higuchi: ten inch front. 22 inch circumference xoxo

Chuuya: WHERE THE FUCK DID U COME FROM U LITTLE GREMLIN

Dazai: the word waist summoned her

Higuchi: it did like i was just playing fruit ninja as i were reading the notifs

Ranpo: omgg i love fruit ninja

Higuchi: stop samee omg

Replying to:

Higuchi: ten inch front. 22 inch circumference xoxo

Chuuya: also how do you know that wth 😟

Higuchi: i know a lot chuuya

Higuchi: i make edits after all

Higuchi: bye bye now

Chuuya: bye girl?

Fyodor: Well that was pretty normal

Replying to:

Chuuya: his dicks the size of my fucking waist

Nikolai: wait really his willys 10 inches?

Chuuya: noo then 22

Fyodor: Willy

Dazai: well eight but if u round it 😭

Nikolai: nice can i see

Dazai: wanna calm down a bit

Chuuya: nope only i get that luxury x

Akutagawa: Only u want it

Chuuya: well clearly not!

Akutagawa: Oh is he being fr

Fyodor: Probably

Nikolai: yosano confirm its 10 inch

Yosano: I mean I've never measured it but yeah it probably is

Chuuya: ew ew ew

Kouyou: Blegh

Yosano: I'm sorry girls

Chuuya: its ok we forgive u girl

Atsushi: Man I'm still shocked abt Yosano and Dazai fucking

Fyodor: Girl get over it

Atsushi: No bc like it's so mad like Yosano's the last person I'd think would wanna do the doo da dee with Dazai

Dazai: the doo da dee

Atsushi: I don't even wanna say the word man

Replying to:

Atsushi: It's so mad like Yosano's the last person I'd think would wanna do the doo da dee with Dazai

Nikolai: whos the first after chuuya ofc

Atsushi: Probably Kunikida

Dazai: BRO @kunikidadoppo YA HEARING THIS ABSOLUTE BLASPHEMY

Nikolai: yeah idk why i asked idk these people

Atsushi: Bro ☠️

Kunikida: Apologise to me right now boy

Atsushi: I am deeply sorry Kunikida

Kunikida: You are forgiven

Dazai: waitwaitwiaitwait

Kunikida: What

Atsushi: What is it?

Dazai: who would top and who would bottom

Kunikida: Oh my God...

Ranpo: im excited to hear this

Atsushi: Dazai top, Kunikida bottom

Dazai: HA

Doppo Kunikida left

Dazai: NOO KUNUIKIDA

Ranpo: HAHAHAHAA

Atsushi: Nooo Kunikidaaa 😭

Osamu Dazai added Doppo Kunikida

Kunikida: Fuck off that's appalling

Atsushi: I'm sorryy I didn't mean it!!

Kunikida: No but you did though

Atsushi: Yeahhh

Chuuya: dw kunikida i think u could top him

Kunikida: Thanks Chuuya

Replying to:

Chuuya: dw kunikida i think u could top him

Dazai: really now?

Chuuya: yeahh i bet i could top u too

Chuuya: but i don't like doing it so..

Higuchi: good to know

Chuuya: GO AWAY UR LIKE A LITTLE HORNY RAT

Fyodor: My rat sister

Dazai: shut up dostoevsky u little cheek

Replying to:

Chuuya: yeahh i bet i could top u too

Dazai: no u couldnt. sit down 😭

Chuuya: i couldd!! guys wouldn't i be such a good top??

Atsushi: Well...

Akutagawa: No

Kouyou: No babe sorry ☠️

Ranpo: methinks no

Tachihara: nah babes u could never

Chuuya: OI

Chuuya: die

Dazai: lololol

Tanizaki: I'm backk

Atsushi: JUNICHIROO

Chuuya: yoo

Dazai: heyyy

Akutagawa: Omg Tachihara it's your boyfriend!

Tachihara: shut the fuck up akutagawa hes not my bf

Kouyou: Yet

Tachihara: shhhh

Tanizaki: Wthh 😭

Tachihara: sorry i like told em kinda accidentally sorry

Tanizaki: Nonono it's fine dw!! At least my friends wont call me a sis-con anymore!

Ranpo: nah imma still call u a siscon

Dazai: yeahh ur probs dating him as a red herring to distract us from ur incestuous ways

Ranpo: yeahh

Chuuya: incestuous ways

Tanizaki: Fuck u guys ☠️

Dazai: 😘

Ranpo: ❤️

Teruko: tanizaki did u listen to portals?

Tanizaki: I didd omg I'm acc obsessed

Chuuya: YEAHH ITS SICK RIGHT

Tanizaki: Yeah man I love every song in the album

Teruko: whats ur fav song?

Tanizaki: Hmmm

Tanizaki: Probs light shower

Chuuya: i love you

Teruko: me too

Tanizaki: 💕

Dazai: bro enough song talk im gonna kms

Chuuya: shut the fuck up osamu

Tanizaki: Innit Dazai u little scruff

Teruko: yeah you dumb fucking batty bitch

Dazai: the batty bitch bit kinda stung

Teruko: well it wasnt menna be nice was it

Ranpo: real

Chuuya: this gc says real so much

Yosano: That's so real

Dazai: real

Teruko: real

Atsushi: Real

Higuchi: so real

Akutagawa: Real

Chuuya: ok now it dont even look like a real word anymore

Ranpo: thats so real

Chuuya: shut up man 😭

Nikolai: omg guyss 

Nikolai: can we call i feel like it'll be fun

Dazai: yes

Fyodor: Yahh

Kunikida: I'm going to regret this later but, sure

Ranpo: lol

Tachihara: sure im down

Nikolai: alr

Nikolai Gogol has started an audio call

Fyodor Dostoevsky has joined

Osamu Dazai has joined

Chuuya Nakahara has joined

Atsushi Nakajima has joined

Tecchou Suehiro has joined

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa has joined

Saigiku Jouno has joined

Doppo Kunikida has joined

Ouchi Fukuchi has joined

Naomi Tanizaki has joined

Junichiro Tanizaki has joined

Yukichi Fukuzawa has joined

Teruko: stop boss and fukuzawas joined its gon be well fun

Teruko Okura has joined

Elise has joined

Ougai Mori has joined

Ichiyo Higuchi has joined 

Sigma has joined

Gin Akutagawa has joined

Ranpo Edogawa has joined

Akiko Yosano has joined

Atsushi Nakajima & Ryuunosuke Akutagawa's chat

19:22

Atsushi: Hi

Akutagawa: Hey

Chapter Text

Atsushi Nakajima & Ryuunosuke Akutagawa's chat

19:22

Atsushi: Hi

Akutagawa: Hey

Atsushi: Well I just wanted to say thank you for calling me beautiful in the gc it really made me smile 😊 💞

Akutagawa: Oh yeah it was nothing don't worry about it

Atsushi: But I also wanted to ask you why you've been so nice to me lately bc it's not rlly like u to ask me how I am or even say my first name really 😭

Akutagawa: Well I felt bad for being really mean to you for no reason and ur rlly sweet so yeah I wanna get to know you better. As a friend maybe? But you probably don't wanna be friends with me which is understandable I suck

Atsushi: Making an effort to change your seemingly cold exterior so you can become more approachable and so ppl r more comfortable talking to u is rlly lovely and amazing and I'm sure ur rlly nice deep down too, of course I'd want to be friends with you Akutagawa!

Akutagawa: I'm really happy to hear that :)

Akutagawa: And u can call me by my first name if u want

Atsushi: Honestly I'm gonna be real with you here I literally forgot ur first name Im so so sorry 😓

Akutagawa: Haha dw I didn't rlly expect u to remember it, but its Ryuunosuke

Atsushi: Omg yeahh Ryuunosuke!! That's such a pretty name <33

Atsushi: Can I call u Ryuu for short?

Akutagawa: Yeah yeah my friends call me Ryuu anyways

Replying to:

Atsushi: Omg yeahh Ryuunosuke!! That's such a pretty name <33

Akutagawa: Tysm <3

Atsushi: Idk why I expected ur first name to be like 'The destroyer' or smth 

Akutagawa: Omg wtf how did you know?? That's my middle name !!

Atsushi REALLY!??

Akutagawa: YEAHH

Atsushi: Nahh no way ur lying

Akutagawa: Obviously man

Atsushi: Listen I'm like really gullible

Akutagawa: I can tell.

Atsushi: STOPP no bc I literally am like one time at work Dazai was like "Atsushi it says gullible on the ceiling!" So I look up and it doesn't so I'm like haha ur so funny but then like 5 minutes later he like did the same thing and I still looked up and then like for the whole day i got bullied by my own peers ☹️

Akutagawa: Is like your favourite word

Atsushi: No my fave word is gregarious

Atsushi: It's so fun to say like I let out a giggle everytime someone says it idk why

Akutagawa: You giggled gregariously

Atsushi: Yes

Akutagawa: Ohh I checked it means sociable

Atsushi: Wait really?

Akutagawa: How do you not know that jinko it's ur favourite word ☠️

Atsushi: Honestly I just assumed it meant gorgeous

Akutagawa: What a guy

Atsushi: That acc explains a lot u know bc I remember on Dazai's wedding day he were getting ready at the agency bc like why not. All the members were there w him and he had his suit on and like his hair done and he turned to me and went 'how do I look Atsushi?' so I went ' u look absolutely gregarious Dazai' and everyone just kinda gave a confused look and he went 'uhh thanks?' I was a bit confused on why everyone else was so confused but I didn't press it any further and now I'm really embarrassed...

Akutagawa: That's such an Atsushi thing to do

Atsushi: Right now what exactly does that mean?

Akutagawa: Like ur just so dazed all the time u never know what's going on

Atsushi: OK NO BC ALL THE DAMN TIME MY FRIENDS MAKE 'ATSUSHI'S SO DAZED JOKES'

Akutagawa: That is so funny man I can imagine it so well

Atsushi: Omg no bc literally TODAY we were just at our desks right doing our work and then Dazai said out of nowhere "guys Atsushi's so dazed that it takes him 8 hours to make instant noodles" and everyone laughed and then Ranpo went "yeah he's so dazed that he'd climb over a glass wall to see what's on the other side" and everyone laughs AGAIN and then Sigma goes "he's so dazed that when a robber breaks into his house and steals his TV he chases the robber down holding a piece of paper going 'WAIT IT CAME WITH A 2 YEAR WARRANTY' " and everyone was like laughing crying and it went on for a good 3 minutes of just Atsushi's so dazed jokes like the jokes themselves weren't even funny but they were bare funny in the moment idk why and the way they said it idk but they're always so hilarious and I couldn't even be mad bc it was so damn funny

Atsushi: Like there's this one joke that Kunikida made that went smth like 'Atsushi's so dazed that he gets hit by a parked car and fucking dies' and man I tell u we were laughing so damn hard like Dazai and Junichiro were rolling on the floor laughing bc we were already dying at the jokes before but then Kunikida added that and man it were so funny. And then bro I literally fell off my chair too and omg I couldn't breathe I was in physical pain we were laughing sm 😭😭

Akutagawa: Bro that acc sounds amazing I wish I was there

Atsushi: Literally man omg I'm laughing just thinking abt it

Akutagawa: Yeahh

Atsushi: Ryuu can we call?? Icba typing

Akutagawa: I'd love to but I can't rn </3

Atsushi: Noo why

Akutagawa: I'm at the shops with my sister

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa sent an image [a pic of Gin looking for some good scran]

Atsushi: Ohh okk

Akutagawa: I'll call u when I get back tho

Atsushi: Alrr

Atsushi: Get me a cheeky grab x

Akutagawa: Sure what dyu want?

Atsushi: Oh no I was just kidding u don't have to get me anything dw

Akutagawa: Nah nah dw abt it I get paid like 350k a year its alright

Atsushi: WHAT

Atsushi: What's ur position again?

Akutagawa: I'm in the command unit same w Higuchi

Atsushi: God damnn that's a lot

Atsushi: How much does everyone else get paid?

Akutagawa: So execs get paid 500k a year the black lizard leaders so Tachihara Gin and Hirotsu get paid 300k and higher members get paid like 200k I think and lower ranking members get paid 80k - 150k so still rlly good pay even if you're at the bottom rank

Akutagawa: But there isn't a fixed pay like this is just the average, sometimes we get more cash. For example there's this thing me and Chuuya do which is like whenever we have rlly rich hits we get them to give us like millions to spare their life and they give us it but if they're rlly awful we kill them anyways like there was a rlly rich enemy of the pm and he was a child molester so Chuuya got 6m from and he beat him to death right after and gave all of it to some charities which I thought was rlly sweet and sometimes the boss asks us to do it and we do so he gets a lot of money from that too as well as the other mafia shenanigans

Atsushi: Woah

Atsushi: That's soo much omd

Akutagawa: How much dyu get paid?

Atsushi: I don't wanna talk about it...

Akutagawa: Oh 😭

Atsushi: Is the Mafia still uhh hiring?

Akutagawa: I know ur joking but there's no way u could be in the Mafia ur way too sweet

Atsushi: Yeah I don't think I'd have it in me to kill anyone even a child molester

Akutagawa: Skill issue

Atsushi: OI 😭

Akutagawa: 💖

Akutagawa: But anyways dyu like mogu mogu?

Atsushi: Blud I wanna marry mogu mogu 

Akutagawa: Which flavour dyu want me to get u?

Atsushi: Hmm I dunno I've only ever had the peach and blueberry one

Atsushi: What flavours do they have?

Akutagawa: I think they have all the flavours, pineapple peach coconut mango melon watermelon apple pina colada lychee blueberry guava passion fruit grape orange and strawberry

Atsushi: Ur so silly u coulda just showed me a pic of em all instead of typing 

Akutagawa: Oh yeahh

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa sent an image [all the mogu mogu flavours on the aisle (heaven)] 

Atsushi: Hmmm

Atsushi: Idkk they all sound so good and man mogu mogu bottles r so cute wth

Akutagawa: I'll just get u all of them then

Atsushi: Noo u don't have to I'll feel bad u can just get me guava!!

Akutagawa: Do I have to remind u how much I make in a year

Atsushi: No it's fine u don't have to get me owt

Akutagawa: 350,000

Atsushi: Nah dw abt it man

Akutagawa: 6 figures or even 7 figures

Atsushi: Nahh leave it it's fine

Akutagawa: If you don't let me buy you the fucking mogu mogus, Atsushi istg

Atsushi: Okk fine finee thank u so much!! <33

Akutagawa: Ofc it's nothing

Akutagawa: I'll drop them off at ur agency

Atsushi: i got a better idea, how abt we have a picnic??

Akutagawa: Omg yeahh just us or w our friends?

Atsushi: Just us two x

Akutagawa: Alrr I'll get more snacks then

Atsushi: Yeah I'll get some omw home tmr

Akutagawa: Should we go tomorrow then?

Atsushi: Yess what time r u free?? I'm good after 5pm

Akutagawa: Yh my work today ends at 5 30 so should we meet at like 6?

Atsushi: Yeahh can we do it at the cherry blossom park near the port?

Akutagawa: Oh the one next to the mochi shop?

Atsushi: Yesss

Akutagawa: Sure and we can get some mochi on the way. I'll wait for u at the docks

Atsushi: YIPEE

Akutagawa: Lol what a weirdo

Atsushi: Listen I'm like rlly gassed for our picnic

Akutagawa: Honestly same

Atsushi: :3

Akutagawa: I'm gon go now tho Atsu bc I've like barely spoken to Gin ☠️

Atsushi: Oh yeah shit srry

Akutagawa: Nah dw abt it she was too busy looking for what snacks to get anyways

Atsushi: Ohh alr

Akutagawa: Yeah we're gonna check out our things soon I'll get us more snacks for the picnic too. I'll be home soon alr

Atsushi: Okki call me when u get back ok?

Akutagawa: Kk cyaa Atsushi! <3

Atsushi: Cyaa Ryuu tell Gin I said hi <33

Akutagawa: Will do ttyl

Atsushi: Bye byee xx

Chapter Text

smart people + chuuya

00:49

Audio call lasted 5 hours and 31 minutes

Teruko: bro was that call even real

Dazai: it was so insane omg

Hirotsu: What happened I didn't join, because I was doing my work

Hirotsu: Unlike some of us.

Gin: lol

Higuchi: oops

Tachihara: hehe

Dazai: i felt like i was extra funny in that call

Higuchi: u rlly were

Atsushi: WELL IT WASN'T FUNNY WHEN I TOLD YOUS I GOT BIT BY A BUG ON MY NECK AND IT WERE PROPER ITCHY AND U WENT 'aww Atsushi's first hickey!' 

Gin: NO BC EVERYONE LAUGHED MAN IT WAS SO FUNNY

Atsushi: NO I NEARLY CRIED ☠️

Dazai: precisely what made it extra funny

Atsushi: 🖕🏻

Dazai: 😘💋

Replying to:

Hirotsu: What happened I didn't join, because I was doing my work

Tachihara: OK HIROTSU ILL GIVE U A QUICK RUNDOWN ON WHAT HAPPENED BC IT WAS A BIT MAD ICL AND I FEEL LIKE U NEED TO KNOW

Hirotsu: A part of me doesn't even want to know but go on

Kunikida: Yeah, a part of me wishes I never joined...

Dazai: im REALLY happy u did ;)

Kunikida: Fuck you man

Dazai: nah ill fuck you

Chuuya: wth 😭

Dazai: oops u werent menna see that

Chuuya: yeah its fine i've forgotten it already, trauma block

Kunikida: I hate my life because of your husband

Chuuya: dw he makes me hate my life too

Dazai: OI

Tachihara: GUYSN STFU

Tachihara: ok so basically right it started off w sigma telling us abt his date. their date basically stood him up and we were all comforting him except for fyodor and nikolai i think they were getting free nitro on disc servers bc i kept on hearing in the bg 'what should i call my discord daddy' and 'help me pick the most discord kitten pfp' but i digress so then yh now were all just joking and pissing abt then nikolai went guys lets play skribbl.io. so we all agree to it bc like why not yk

Tachihara: so yh i think everyone got to play bc the max was 20

Naomi: no i didn't have my own turn i did it w junichiro bc there werent enough space

Tachihara: ohh yeah

Tachihara: so yeah it were pretty civil at first, a few rude comments made. mostly thrown at fukuchi and the boss but yk but like after the normal round (i came last im a bit ashamed) we decided to make this level like so yk how in skribblio the game chooses 3 words for u to pick from and theyre like normal well there was an option to do ur own words so we like listed a bunch of random shit like bro one of the words was akutagawa fucking a tree i think

Tachihara: but yh a few rlly weird words and like some relatively normal so we were doing that and the drawings were so weird man like bro nikolai mustve added a few words w/o our knowledge bc one of them was fyodors asshole and poor innocent junichiro had to draw that one. bless his soul like idek man but things havnt gotten THAT insane yet but then like nikolai won and fyodor was 4th (i was 3rd not to brag) and yh ranpo was 2nd in case u wanted to know and then fyodor started speaking in russian to nikolai and they started yelling at each other in russian bro like i muted myself bc the way they were screaming in russian was rlly funny and i just started bark laughing but then dazai interrupted them and just told em to fuck it out so nikolai and fyodor both left for 10 minutes u can guess what happened... but then we were just chatting yh and a few of us had our cams on dazai was one of them and idk where chuuya was but dazai was in his kitchen

Tachihara: man icba someone finish it for me

Gin: ill do it dw

Gin: yeah then we noticed smoke in the bg and everyone was like BRO TURN AROUND SMTHS ON FIRE then he was like nahh guys its fine dw then chuuya came and like put out the damn fire whilst dazai was fucking around w filters then when chuuya was done dazai got a fat smack on the back of his head which was satisfying and bla bla fukuchi vs fukuzawa yk mori tryna get involved but like kept on getting told to stfu then idek rlly rlly weird things happened

Gin: and ichiyo made a fanfic w you and the boss. Hirtosu it was rlly good icl and it were smut and we got mori to voice act his lines and fukichi as hirotsu which was funny bc fukuchi kept on giving voice actinf tips like it his damn job but now i have a vid of fukuchi and my boss moaning so uh yeah but then dazai and chuu wrote a quick smut fanfic of dazai and kunikida and chuuya gave kunikida 45,000 quid to voice act it so i also have a vid of kunikida nd nikolai moaning bc dazai didnt wanna do his so nikolai did so uh yeah

Gin: and then jouno and tecchou leave for like 2 hours then they come back and theyre fucking MARRIED like bro wth so everyone in this gc is invited man im not even joking were gon be sent formal invites soon and the rest of the call was us helping them plan the wedding and yh it was proper weird and funny i cant tell u all the jokes bc there r so many but yeah it were rlly dumb and fun 

Hirotsu: Wow

Kunikida: I feel like a cheap slut

Dazai: so u feel like chuuya

Dazai: IM JOKING PLS IM JOKING

Chuuya: i love how i don't even have to say anything

Kajii: you are petrifying for somebody so wittle

Chuuya: on my future dogs life you're getting a punch next time i see u

Kajii: welp it was nice having bone structure while it lasted

Gin: oh no 😭

Tachihara: Bro accepted his fate

Naomi: WAIT JOUNO AND TECCHOU GOT MARRIED BRO I THOUGHT NOTHING WOULD HAPPEN IF I LEFT THE CALL BUT OK

Jouno: Yeah I don't know who you are but you can be the ring bearer

Naomi: Yipee!!

Teruko: FUKCING TAKE THAT BACK

Jouno: No you're obviously flower girl <3

Teruko: OMFFFGG I HATE GAY PPL BUT U TWO ARE ALR

Tecchou: aww?

Fukuchi: What should I do!!?

Fukuzawa: There are so many quips I can make it's insane.

Sigma: Please I need to hear them

Replying to:

Fukuchi: What should I do!!?

Fukuzawa: Number 1. Kill yourself

Fukuzawa: Number 2. Get a life

Fukuzawa: Number 3. Get bitches

Fukuzawa: Number 4. Get a jawline

Fukuzawa: Number 5. Stop reading boys love manhua

Fukuzawa: Number 6. Stop scamming children on roblox you're a grown middle aged man

Fukuzawa: Number 7. Start wearing deodorant you smell like Mori

Fukuzawa: Number 8. Jump off of Tokyo tower, I could drive you there if you'd like

Fukuzawa: Number 9. Kill yourself, but painfully this time

Fukuzawa: Number 10. Quit you're job, nobody respects you

Fukuzawa: Number 11. Quit life

Fukuzawa: Number 12. Give me all your money so I can actually do some good with it unlike you

Fukuzawa: Number 13. Avid robux purchaser, listen to number 2

Fukuzawa: Number 14. Think twice before you talk, you sound like you like little kids

Fukuzawa: Number 15. All of the above

Fukuzawa: OK, yes I think that's about it.

Dazai: AHAHAHAAHA BRO ACC JUST SKIP TOWN AT THIS POINT OH MY GOODNESS ME

Chuuya: number 15>>>>

Ranpo: NUMBER 4 IS CRAZY THO RESPECT HAS DIED ALONG W FUKUCHIS DIGNITY TODAY

Fukuzawa: No, those two things died a long time ago

Sigma: LOLOL BEAUTIFUL I LOVE IT SMM SCREENSHOTTING AND SETTING IT AS MY LPCKSCREEN AS WE SPEAKK

Replying to:

Fukuchi: Number 5. Stop reading boys love manhua

Tecchou: There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with that. Be proud sir! 

Fukuchi: I DON’T READ BOYS LOVE

Teruko: Mhmm sure buddy

Tachihara: haha… who’s gonna tell him..

Tecchou: MMMhmm

Mori: ok then..

Tanizaki: Yeah…

Naomi: No. I’m gonna be honest you completely killed the vibe mr mafia boss

Mori: HOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW

Elise: you literally did girl- 😭

Dazai: because everyone who was texting, their names begin with T

Mori: oh my God. and that’s ruining it?

Atsushi: Yes. Yes it is.

Mori: on my life if one more person texts something rude I’m gonna commit a murder suicide

Elise: OMFG EVERYONE TALK OR YOUR GAY

Ranpo: LALALA UR GREASY LOLL

Dazai: U GOT A FAT FUCKING FOREHEAD MORI <33

Naomi: I LOVE BULLYING PPL YOU LOOK LIKE A SNAPPING TURTLE

Fukuzawa: You’re worthless and a whore.

Yosano: SOMETHING RUDE SOMETHING RUDE SOMETHING RUDE FUCK YOU

Fukuchi: Guys this is kinda mean

Tecchou: I HAVE NO REASON TO BULLY BUT ITS FUN HAHA KYS NOW

Elise: UR LIKE IF A HOMOPHOBIC EMO AND A PRO LIFE ACTIVIST HAD A BABY

Fukuzawa: You look like if Gen'ichiro and a fart had a baby

Ranpo: LMAOOOOHGHJKF

Fukuchi: Oh ok…

Atsushi: YOU SMELL LIKE POO

Dazai: go on then atsushi. you tell em

Atsushi: 😄

Jouno: I like this. This moment we’re all bonding on now.

Chuuya: Boss I would NEVER treat you with this disgusting lack of respect. Don’t you worry

Mori: thank you Chuuya this is why you’re my favourite exec

Kouyou: Die

Mori: oh shit I forgot about you!

Kouyou: MHMM YEAH DIE

Yosano: Don’t worry love u don’t wanna be his favourite…

Kouyou: That is so true!

Replying to:

Mori: on my life if one more person texts something rude to me I’m gonna commit a murder suicide

Jouno: Wait that implies that someone would have to be the murder victim in this scenario

Ranpo: Ooh yeah

Teruko: Who is it?

Mori: well, he’s brunet

Ranpo: its dszai

Kunikida: WOOOOOOOOOO 🎉🎉🎉🎊🎊🎊

Dazai: bro 😭😭

Kunikida: You’re fucking hideous Mori (please follow through with your earlier comment)

Kyouka: Mori you’re like… a man

Fukuzawa: Worst insult ever

Kyouka: I know right

Kouyou: Omfg I’m gonna be rude to u everyday until you follow up on that murder suicide you slut 

Atsushi: I’m surprised Chuuya hasn’t said anything rude yet

Chuuya: i was gonna but I feel like i’ve bullied him too many times today 😭

Dazai: you can make up for that tonight 😉

Tachihara: i hate you mori ur a fucking freak (please this man has to go)

Chuuya: ok I take back what I said I hate everyone here

Higuchi: attaboy!

Dazai: ok i can see when im not wanted

Fyodor: Then leave

Dazai: no ew shut up ew??

Fyodor: Well your just jealous because you don’t have beautiful luscious locks like me

Dazai: what does that have to do with anything

Fyodor: So you’re not denying I have natural superiority, hm?

Dazai: i don even know what to say man

Fyodor: Exactly, I silenced you bitch.

Yosano: Idk why I’m laughing sm ☠️

Replying to:

Fyodor: Exactly, I silenced you bitch.

Ranpo: bro used a comma

Fyodor: Now there is nothing wrong with using good grammar in your text

Kunikida: Now this, this we can agree on

Dazai: fucking nerds

Fyodor: I’ll touch you if you speak ill of me again

Chuuya: that’s terrifying

Dazai: IS THAT A THREAT OR AN INVITE!!??? 🗣️🗣️🗣️💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥🔥🦅🦅🦅

Atsushi: It shocks me that there are ppl that actually respect you Osamu

Yosano: Damn I gotta meet em one day

Dazai: same here lil bro

Kouyou: Yeah kinda like boss he’s so scared of Dazai omd

Higuchi: SO SCARED

Chuuya: it’s a bit pathetic to me tbh

Tachihara: its so sad man like he is shaking in his rapscallion ahh boots whenever the name dazai is uttered

Chuuya: ugh guys dazai shat on the table again!

Higuchi: QUICK KEYS TO THE BUNKERS !!

Kajii: probably haven't been used since the blitz

Yosano: The man probably hasn’t felt the touch of a woman since the blitz

Dazai: jokes on u guyss he only wants the touch of children

Tachihara: shit i completely forgot boss can see these msgs omg were soo getting axed

Sigma: I don’t think the guy will fire u over some gc banter

Tachihara: not that kind of axed lil buddy…

Chuuya: it’s fine he can’t get rid of me i’m his favourite

Kouyou: Yeah or we could just get Dazai on him 😭

Kajii: oh yeahh what’s he gonna do like gen??

Higuchi: cry

Dazai: bold of u to assume i would wanna go anywhere near that man

Mori: that’s it I’m leaving.

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Higuchi: goddamn

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Teruko: oh they is still going

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Ougai Mori left

Osamu Dazai added Ougai Mori

Mori: WHAT DO U WANT FROM ME

Dazai: i like annoying u

Jouno: Lol anyways red or white

Tecchou: for what

Jouno: None of your business

Tecchou: but i'm ur f-fiance...

Jouno: Idgaf

Tecchou: D:

Ranpo: new lingerie set

Tachihara: new dildo colour

Tanizaki: Ok Michizou and Ranpo you can close the phone now

Kyouka: yes i think it’d be for the best i close my phone too i don’t ever want to read the notifs from this gc ever again

Tanizaki: Yeah that’s a good idea

Replying to:

Tecchou: for what

Dazai: nail polish colour?

Nikolai: wow actually something normal for once!

Dazai: im healing

Jouno: Okay?? All of you were wrong but I’ll tell you after you guys pick between red or white

Kajii: a zesty red

Dazai: red

Chuuya: red

Hirotsu: red

Fukuzawa: I prefer red

Tecchou: red it matches with the tips of your hair and its literally ur colour u invented it

Dazai: red

Ranpo: red

Atsushi: White

Higuchi: Red

Tanizaki: Red

Elise : red red red reddd

Tachihara: like a nice vermilion type red ygm

Kyouka: Red

Kouyou: Red

Jouno: I can see we all prefer red in this group chat!

Ranpo: yeah bc whites the colour of virgins and all the adults arent

Replying to: 

Atsushi: White

Ranpo: oh wait

Tecchou: nahh i felt that one tho

Dazai: yikes…

Tachihara: *tuggs on collar* yeesh

Tanizaki: ☠️☠️

Atsushi: LISTEN YEAH

Atsushi: Leave me alone 😭

Dazai: dw a certain mafioso will change that x

Tachihara: i sure will

Tanizaki: hehe

Atsushi: OK what the actual frick

Replying to:

Tecchou: red it matches with the tips of your hair and its literally ur colour u invented it

Jouno: That’s so gay

Tecchou: mm yeah it’s kinda my thing

Higuchi: broo u never told us what the colours r for

Jouno: Ah yes it’s what colour I’m going to wear for my wedding

Tachihara: oh ok yes red definitely then

Atsushi: Ohh for ur wedding then deffo red

Tecchou: i can’t wait omfggg can we move it to like next week?

Jouno: No we cannot move it to like next week

Tecchou: whyyy

Jouno: Oh yes because we can book a venue a caterer buy our outfits order a wedding cake get the place decorated for our liking hire a bunch of other people pick where we are going to have our honey moon and also book venues for a bachelor party and mentally prepare by next week

Tecchou: idk i feel like we could

Jouno: Mhmm

Ranpo: tags it bags it im DJ

Kyouka: Yeah bud what would u even play?

Ranpo: my spotify playlist obv

Tecchou: and what songs are on that?

Ranpo: like normal normal things i got a few lana del rey songs like you can be the boss trash magic norman fucking rockwell uhh and everyman gets his wish thats my favourite song ever

Ranpo: i got a couple taylor swift songs aurora and melanie martinez but its mostly tv girl and some other random songs

Teruko: i try not to glitch into a new reality any time someone mentions the king melanie martinez

Chuuya: stop sameee it can't be normal 😭

Teruko: oh for sure

Replying to:

Ranpo: i got a couple taylor swift songs aurora and melanie martinez but its mostly tv girl and some other random songs

Tecchou: little bro is NOT playing taylor swift at my wedding 😭😭

Jouno: Aurora is so real though I love her

Ranpo: realest thing ive heard all day

Replying to:

Tecchou: little bro is NOT playing taylor swift at my wedding 😭😭

Ranpo: right i dont rlly care for her and some of her songs are acc quite bad and idk why so many ppl love them (ahem cruel summer ahem) but u cant lie some of her songs slap so hard

Atsushi: Yess I'd listen to my tears ricochet ANY DAY

Tecchou: it is the least annoying sounding

Ranpo: mhmm

Gin: guys it's so lateee how r none of u asleep yet?

Chuuya: i mean i'm sure most of us r Osamu's gone to bed already 

Ranpo: yeah i am getting kinda eepy

Tecchou: yeah me and jouno should get to sleep too very busy day tmr

Atsushi: Yeahh samesiess

Tachihara: me too guys plus weve all got work and shi. goodnight!!

Jouno: Goodnight!!

Tecchou: nighty nighttt!!

Atsushi: Sweet dreams guys <33

Gin: nightt <33

Chuuya: Goodnight x

Ranpo: gnight sleep well!!!

Teruko: goodnighttt

Chapter Text

Junichiro Tanizaki & Michizou Tachihara's chat 

09:16

Tachihara: YOOO JUNICHIRO

Tanizaki: YOOOO MICHIII

Tachihara: DYU KNOW WHAT DAY IT IS???

Tanizaki: YES IT'S THE DAY I GO ON MY FIRST DATE

Tachihara: WAIT IM UR FIRST EVER DATE??

Tanizaki: YESSSS it's acc kinda embarrassing it took this long to score a date tho 😭

Tachihara: NONONONOOO NOT ALL

Tachihara: if anything i am nothing but honoured i have the privilege to be your first

Tachihara: FIRST DATE THAT IS

Tanizaki: HELP YES YES FIRST DATE

Tachihara: yesss so uhh r u at work rn?

Tanizaki: Mhmm! There's only one cupcake left from the ones that Dazai brought over yesterday and now we're doing a competition for it

Tachihara: is work just not a thing for u guys

Tanizaki: Yea 🤣🤣

Tanizaki: We're seeing who can do a hand-stand for the longest I didn't even bother bc I knew I wasn't going to win and Kunikida Yosano and Kyouka aren't doing it and the president obviously isn't doing it and Dazai isn't either bc he's married to the person who made and loves making cupcakes so he can just have them whenever but everyone else tried and failed now the only two standing are Ranpo and Sigma its been around 9 minutes now

Tachihara: omgg yeah u reminded me Chuuya brought cupcakes over two days ago they were so yum

Tanizaki: SO YUM and cute too like ours had fondant roses and like heart patterns and then there were some that looked like chibi cats and dogs they looked straight out of Pinterest

Tachihara: yess i love coming over to his only bc his cookings to fucking die for

Tanizaki: Mhmm

Tachihara: omd i dare u to pick up the cupcake and just eat it in front of them

Tanizaki: HELP SHOULD I?

Tachihara: YES PLEASE AND RECPRD IT TOO I WANNA DEE EVERYOENS REACTION

Tanizaki: OK I MIGHT NOT RESPOND FOR A COUPLE MINUTES BC I'LL BE GETTING BEAT BUT IT'LL BE WORTH IT

Tachihara: SO WORTH IT

Tanizaki: OK HERE GOES NOTHING

Junichiro Tanizaki sent a video [so it shows ranpo and sigma doing handstands faces red barely survivin and then juni walking over to the table to where the cupcake is and picking it up and for a second when he lifts the camera up u can see dazai shaking his head looking at juni w a hand over his mouth then the camera flips and u see junichiro taking a fat bite out of it w a cheeky grin as u hear blood curdling screams and tanizakis just laughing w a mouth full of cake and then we see him go oh shi- before running out of the agency doors w what u can only assume is ranpo and sigma chasing after him accompanied w monkey like screams for mercy then it ends]

Tachihara: NAH IM WORRIED FOR U THAT TOOK U TEN MINUTES TO SEND U GOOD?

Tanizaki: HAD A HIGH HEEL THROWN AT MY ABDOMEN AND A SLAP TO THE BACK OF THE HEAD THAT FELT LIKE ACUPUNCTURE BUT BESIDES THAT WE'RE ALL GOOD

Tachihara: HELPP MY POOR BOY DW THO IT WERE DEFFO WORTH IT I LOVE EVERYTHING ABT IT ESPECIALLY DAZAIS LIVE REACTION

Tanizaki: HAHA YESSS THAT'S THE BEST PART

Tachihara: r u back at the agency now?😭

Tanizaki: Yasss

Tachihara: wait did dazai call chuu to make more cupcakes?

Tanizaki: HELP YESS why is chuuya with you RN?

Tachihara: next room over but i can hear him

Tanizaki: YEAH BUT THIS TIME I'M NOT ALLOWED ANY ☹️

Tachihara: nooo ill tell ya what if chuuya brings us any tmr ill save u a few

Tanizaki: WAIT RLLY?

Tachihara: ofc ill get u all the cupcakes in the world!!

Tanizaki: Thank u so much but man the cupcake wasn't even nice like I'm sure it was but it were orange flavoured I hate anything orange flavour if it's not a drink or sweets

Tachihara: really??

Tanizaki: Yeah like orange choc blegh can't stand it

Tachihara: thats a surprise i just assumed youd love it bc ur ginger

Tanizaki: Well you're ginger too I'm sure you wouldn't die for it

Tachihara: nah but im not naturally a ginge

Tanizaki: SWEAR ON YOUR MAMAS LIFE

Tachihara: MY MUMS NO LONGER WITH US MAY THE LORD GRANT HER ETERNAL PEACE BUT I SWEAR ON MY CATS LIFE I DYE MY HAIR THIS COLOUR

Tanizaki: OK I got three things to say!

Tachihara: please go ahead

Tanizaki: 1. Sorry about ur mum 😓 2. what colour is it naturally? 3. OMG U HAVE A KITTY SHOW SHOW ME IT'S A CRIME U HAVEN'T ALREADY WTF???!!

Tachihara: 1. its alr i barely remember her 2. like rlly dark brown 3. YESSS ILL SEND U HER PICSS

Michizou Tachihara sent 6 images [just his cute tabby in various cat dresses] 

Tanizaki: 1. OMG better show me some pics of ur hair 2. BABY BABY I LOVE HER WHAT'S HER NAME!??

Tachihara: 1. I have some but idk if theyre in this phone theyre rlly old but ill check later 2. FIFI I LOVE MY BABY SMM

Tanizaki: 1. Ugh hurry up! 2. CUTE NAME OMGG

Tachihara: 1. why r we still speaking in points 2. i gotta itch my ass 3. brb gotta go shit

Tanizaki: 1. What the fuck. 2. That's it 

Tachihara: 😭😭

Tachihara: nah fr gotta shit tho brb boo

Tanizaki: Enjoy! <3

Tachihara: Will do? <3

Tachihara: Uhh probs will have to do my job soon tho i got a new mission but ill text u later tho!!

Tanizaki: Omg yeahh I forgot we were at our jobs like I was getting all comfortable with my feet on the desk

Tachihara: a mug of hot coco in one hand

Tanizaki: Blanket keeping me all snuggily and warm

Tachihara: in the middle of march

Tanizaki: Help oh yeah 😭

Tanizaki: Anyways go shit and do ur job girl!

Tachihara: thank u ive been holding it in w all my will power BYE BYEEE

Tanizaki: BYEEEEE

smart people + chuuya

17:41

Ranpo: @FedyasxRussianxLicexNomNom

Nikolai: yessss?

Gin: what the fuck is that username

Nikolai: what the fuck is YOUR username HMM??

Nikolai: @ginxgwa

Nikolai: oh wait its normal

Gin: yeah

Replying to:

Ranpo: @FedyasxRussianxLicexNomNom

Nikolai: but anyhoo what is it agency dog?

Ranpo: kill junichiro tanizaki

Tanizaki: BRO GET OVER IT

Ranpo: NO. NO I WILL NOT GET OVER IT

Naomi: What did my guy do?

Ranpo: do you not remember the scandalous cupcake incident that just took place right before your eyes a couple hours ago?

Naomi: Ohh that yeah just get over it

Tanizaki: Yeahh come on Sigma's over it!

Sigma: who the fuck said I was over it

Ranpo: YEAHH

Nikolai: waitwaiwait what happened

Ranpo: this fucking fat ass big ass big boned big head whore of a man with no self respect smooth brained shit tiny dick pussy fucker sucker cuck twink beta loser scruff unworthy of basic human needs FUCKFACE

Tanizaki: MAN CHUUYA'S BRINGING SOME TOMORROW CHILL OUT

Ranpo: sorry love! but anyways his lazy ass took the last cupcake when me and the rest were up doing hand stands FOR IT and me and sigma were doing it for ten minutes STRAIGHT to win the privilege to nom on it then this LARD ASS JUST GOT UP ALL WILLY NILLY AND SCOFFED IT DOWN THE PIG  

Nikolai: oh dear ranpo murder aint a bad enough punishment for this man he needs a fate worse than death

Fyodor: Yes, he needs to be subjected to something horrible like Dazai's singing

Ranpo: ok no thats too far

Nikolai: agreed

Dazai: piss off ur all jealous of my handsomeness

Kunikida: No, but I am jealous of the people that haven't met you. Now that's what I call a privilege

Dazai: thx kuni u always know what to say to keep me humble <3

Kunikida: Anytime

Replying to:

Ranpo: do you not remember the scandalous cupcake incident that just took place right before your eyes a couple hours ago?

Dazai: omg u reminded me of the time atsushi

Atsushi: No.

Dazai: THE TIME THAT ATSUSHI GAVE A HOMELESS

Atsushi: NO.

Dazai: THE TIME THAT ATSUSHI GAVE A HOMELESS MAN A CUPCAKE AND 

Atsushi: NOOOO

Akutagawa: YESSS TELL

Kyouka: I wanna know what happened with this homeless man and his cupcake tf

Dazai: he gave a homeless man a cupcake out of the very kindness of his heart and then the man slapped it out of his hand then started yelling at him in gaelic 

Kyouka: Oh no that's heart breaking random and downright hilarious

Atsushi: Story of my life!

Dazai: u talk like the insufferable mc in an indie film

Nikolai: HAHA you do

Atsushi: Whatever!! I don't need people to understand me when I have nature I'm gonna actually shut my phone off and go touch some grass

Nikolai: ill grass ur ass

Atsushi: What the

Dazai: bro thinks hes the main character all high on his horse

Dazai: little does he know i have a vid of him getting bitch slapped by an 8 yr old

Nikolai: nahh ☠️ (send)

Naomi: Was the eight year old Kyouka?

Kyouka: I'm 14??

Yosano: Same difference really

Kyouka: The difference is 6 years

Replying to:

Naomi: Was the eight year old Kyouka?

Dazai: no a girl looked lost and he asked if she was alr then she was like ew get the hell away from me and slapped him and walked off

Kyouka: I'll fucking kill her if I ever see her send the video so I know who to go after

Dazai: ofc!!

Atsushi: Thank u Kyo but ur all good it happened time ago but you know what Dazai? It'd be so nice for u to not embarrass me for one fucking day

Dazai: dream on bubbs xoxo

Fyodor: I love watching people get degraded.

Akutagawa: Please choose ur words more carefully

Fyodor: Why? What's wrong with the word degraded?

Nikolai: yeahh and whats wrong with being degraded?

Yosano: Yeaa and what's wrong with liking being degraded?

Dazai: yhhh and whats wrong w liking being degraded by a 5,2 ginger port mafia executive? absolutely NOTHING

Dazai: ill tell ya that for free

Akutagawa: Weird. Still love u tho sir!

Dazai: thank you deary

Kajii: ahem- simp 

Akutagawa: Remember when you whored yourself out to boss so he could give you the day off so u could go to that weird bdsm convention

Kajii: aha yeahh that was a fun day

Atsushi: I'm not even gonna ask...

Yosano: Somethings are just better to keep in the dms yeah?

Kunikida: Completely agree

Nikolai: I WENT TO THAT CONVENTION TOO I THINK THE ONE IN IKEBUKURO INNIT

Kajii: YESSSS IT WAS SICK RIGHT

Nikolai: YESSS I DISCOVERED SO MANY NEW KINKS THAT DAY

Kajii: SAME I FOUND ONES I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW EXISTED

Nikolai: RIGHT

Replying to:

Dazai: yhh and whats wrong w liking being degraded by a 5,2 ginger port mafia executive? absolutely NOTHING

Chuuya: ok first of all i'm 5,3 and second of all you're a fucking freak

Tachihara: i like how u had to address ur height first

Chuuya: obvi its the most important bit

Replying to:

Akutagawa: Remember when you whored yourself out to boss so he could give you the day off so u could go to that weird bdsm convention

Chuuya: u too kajii

Replying to: 

Nikolai: I WENT TO THAT CONVENTION TOO I THINK THE ONE IN IKEBUKURO INNIT

Chuuya: and u clown ur all SICK

Nikolai: sounds like someones angry he didn't get an invite...

Chuuya: literally piss off and kys

Yosano: Wait u get invited to this shit?

Kajii: yeah man they can't be lettin anyone in had to write an application like I was running for skl council or somet

Nikolai: i wrote i was an eligible bachelor looking forward to having a freaky friday whilst watching freaky friday whilst freaking out in my freaky friday undies wearing my friday best lookin like a freak

Chuuya: i had a stroke reading that

Nikolai: ill stroke u

Chuuya: the fuck

Replying to:

Nikolai: i wrote i was an eligible bachelor looking to having a freaky friday whilst watching freaky friday whilst freaking out in my freaky friday undies wearing my friday best lookin like a freak

Dazai: now why on earth would they need to know that

Nikolai: IDUNNO BRO WHY WOULD THEY NEED TO KNOW ANYTHING i just pulled shit out of my ass ffs

Yosano: Ew

Tachihara: omg that reminds me ive been sat on the toilet for a while should probably start wipin real soon

Akutagawa: You're fucking vile

Tachihara: ok dont act like ur above pooing ryuu weve all pinched a fat loaf in our lives at least thrice

Chuuya: OOOO STOP TALKING

Gin: listen to ur boss michizou itll do ya good

Atsushi: Somehow the phrase pinching a fat loaf is more disgusting than the word queefing

Kyouka: I'm acc gonna be sick

Tanizaki: Do you have diarrhoea or smth earlier I texted u and u said u have to take a big poo and now ur doing a big poo

Tachihara: oh bc god FORBID u shit twice in a day!

Yosano: Yeah I just feel like I have to remind you that some of us just formally met yesterday. We are getting WAYY too comfortable here and it's alarming

Nikolai: noo it just shows how strong of a bond we all have!!

Yosano: Get the fuck away from me

Replying to:

Tachihara: oh bc god FORBID u shit twice in a day!

Akutagawa: OK YEAH NO THAT'S FINE AND ALL NOBODY GIVES A STEAMY HOT SHIT EXCEPT FOR U BUT U DON'T HAVE TO LIVE DOCUMENT UR EXCRETION JOURNEY

Dazai: EXCRETION JOURNEY I CANT I CANNOT W THIS MAN I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

Tachihara: BRO UR ACC THE FUNNIEST PERSON I KNOW YK TJAT RIGHT??

Atsushi Nakajima sent a voice message [yeah u guys know that one friend we all have whos laugh is funnier than the joke? yeah just imagine that but more insane]

Kyouka: THAT LAUGH WHAT IS THAT LAUGH

Nikolai: BRO U SOUND LIKE UR DECIDING WHICH ANIMAL IMPRESSION TO DO NEXT

Dazai: BRO DIDNT U SAY U WERE GONNA GO OUTSIDE AND BE NORMAL TF IS THIS 😭😭

Atsushi: I'M CRYING IT'S NOT THAT FUNNY INHERENTLY BUT I'M JUST IMAGINING AKUTAGAWA SAYING IT IRL

Atsushi: I FEEL SICK HELPP

Akutagawa: Good that is always the intended reaction whenever I tell a joke

Tachihara: THATS WHY UR MUM THREW UP WHEN U WERE BORN

Ranpo: OOOOOH

Akutagawa: JOKES ON YOU BITCH MY MUM NEVER EVEN GOT A CHANCE TO HOLD HER BABY THE FIRST COUPLE HOURS BECAUSE SHE FUCKING HAD A HEART ATTACK AND NEARLY DIED

Gin: YEAH THEN SHE FUCKING PASSED AWAY DURING MY BIRTH LOSER

Ranpo: oh

Nikolai: welp that got dark real fast

Dazai: like my pubic hair

Dazai: why the fuck did i say that

Ranpo: yeah why did u say that

Chuuya: mm i was gonna make squid ink spaghetti tonight too and u just completely put me off

Dazai: good its fucking rank

Chuuya: for me dickhead make ur own dinner

Dazai D:

Chuuya: pussy

Dazai: ok that was just uncalled for

Kunikida: You don't understand how called for that was.

Dazai: :'(

Kunikida: :)

Replying to:

Dazai: why the fuck did i say that

Kyouka: well at least he regrets his disgusting action this time

Dazai: who the hell said i regretted it i just wanna know the psychology behind it

Fukuzawa: It would be an interesting find to study

Dazai: PRESIDENT! please dont read up

Fukuzawa: Don't have to tell me twice

Fukuchi: GUESS WHAT JUST FUCKING HAPPENED GUYS YOU WONT BELIEVE

Teruko: OMFGG IM KILLING MYSELF IM SO HAPPYY

Chapter Text

Atsushi Nakajima & Ryuunosuke Akutagawa's chat

18:24

Atsushi: Yoo Ryuu srry but dyu think we can raincheck and meet at 7 instead so srry omg completely flew from my mind we were meant to meet at six omgg

Akutagawa: On my sisters life I was just going to text u asking to reschedule 

Atsushi: WOAH OMGG okii so 7 o clock yeah don't forget!

Akutagawa: Would never dream of it even tho I just forgot our time earlier

Atsushi: Lmao yea but that doesn't count! I'm so excited for those mogu mogus u don't even GET IT

Akutagawa: Yeah? And u asked me not to get u em all

Atsushi: I'm so happy ur rich so I don't feel bad

Akutagawa: Haha well want me to drive u there??

Atsushi: Oh no thank u it's like 5 minutes away from my accommodation we all good

Atsushi: We're meeting at the docks right to get mochi

Akutagawa: Yepp

Atsushi: Okkk 

Akutagawa: Alr text me when ur there Sushii

Atsushi: WILL DO RYUUKINS BYE BYEEE<33

Akutagawa: HELP RYUUKINS BYEEE <333

smart people + chuuya

18:01

Teruko: OMFGG IM KILLING MYSELF IM SO HAPPYY

Dazai: its gonna be like the lamest thing ever like they won at bingo or smth

Tachihara: "GUESS WHOS GOT A GIFT CARD FOR T.K MAXX"

Fukuchi: NO IT'S GRANDER THAN THAT SOMEHOW

Ranpo: TELL THEN

Teruko Okura sent a voice message [transcript (normal font is teruko, italics is fukuchi): "So basically right, me and Fukuchi were on a discord server pretending to be under aged girls and get groomers to send us a bunch of money. So we were both talking to this one guy in particular in a server and we then moved to a group chat with just the three of us.

Then we ended up talking about music and the nonce was like 'Who are your guys' favourite artists?' I obviously said Melanie Martinez and Fukuchi said Taylor Swift because he's weird like that.

Oh shut up your favourite singer dresses like a pink, cat, nymph thing. YEAH AND SHE SLAYS DOING SO.

Anyways and then... Let me tell them. Ok ok. THE FUCKER BOUGHT ME THE ERAS TOUR TICKETS AND BOUGHT TERUKO THE TRILOGY TOUR TICKETS OH MY GOD." then u hear squealing like in barbie life in the dream house when barbie got her dirvers license and her and ken were freaking out yeah just like that]

Dazai: that is acc so smart to scam pedos like that

Teruko: litch

Elise: yeah right! I do it with skank all the time

Mori: oh who's skank Elise?

Elise: whos skank? this really creepy guy with greasy hair who keeps on harassing me

Mori: oh honey we can get rid of him right away for you

Elise: yay!

Fukuzawa: She's talking about you smart ass

Mori: no she's not

Elise: mhm yeah buy me a chuck e cheese

Mori: but there aren't any in Yokohama my darling!

Elise: kys u ruin everything

Mori: HOW IS IT MY FAULT 

Dazai: how ya gonna be a pedo and still act like a pussy

Teruko: L's on both ends

Mori: ugh

Mori: Elise were going to Shinjuku to get some chuck e cheese pizza and beer

Elise: BEER BEER !!

Dazai: oh alr then

Tachihara: lol normal but teru you said kuchi is a swiftie?

Fukuchi: Please don't give me that nickname

Fukuzawa: No Kuchi is a suiting name

Dazai: couldnt agree more

Fukuchi: BUT IT MEANS PUSSYYY

Nikolai: describes you well

Fyodor: LMAOOO

Replying to:

Tachihara: lol normal but teru you said kuchi is a swiftie?

Teruko: yes

Tachihara: damn sir still listen to her?

Naomi: At your big age?

Fukuchi: Yes got a problem?

Teruko: yeah it's fucking gay

Atsushi: I love Taylor Swift I'm so jealous wtf

Tanizaki: GIVE ME THE TICKETS TERUKO

Teruko: HAHA NO LOSER

Fukuchi: YAHH TAYLOR'S THE BEST RIGHT

Atsushi: BEST EVER EVER EVER EVRR

Naomi: Love her songs so much love her

Dazai: taylor swift>>> melanie martinez

Fukuchi: ANY DAY

Teruko: NO EW WTF MEL ALL THE WAY

Atsushi: I LOVE BOTH BUT GONNA HAVE TO SAY TAYLOR ON TOP

Tanizaki: NOPE MELANIE HAS MY HEART SHE'S ON TOP OF THE WHOLE WIDE UNIVERSE

Chuuya: MELANIE ADELE MARTINEZ IS WAY BETTER STFU WEIRDOS

Nikolai: oh melanie is so much better sorry have u heard leeches, womb and death?? omfg

Dazai: yes its fucking shit listen to actual bangers like high infidelity daylight and paper rings

Nikolai: bro typed paper rings with a straight face ☠️

Replying to:

Dazai: yes its fucking shit listen to actual bangers like high infidelity daylight and paper rings

Chuuya: I'm disgusted one of her songs has my birthday mentioned

Dazai: well i love it for that <3

Chuuya: get the fuck away from me Melanie's my real love

Dazai: :(

Fyodor: Shut the fuck up Dazai you're irrelevant, those songs are trash. And I'm not sorry at all because Carousel is my ringtone and it's the best song ever

Chuuya: only time i'll ever agree with this man

Kajii: nonono exile is

Higuchi: First and last time ill agree w u

Tanizaki: High school sweethearts>>>

Dazai: mhm and who is the top artist of 2023? and who is the 10th

Chuuya: OK BUT POPULARITY DOESN'T EQUAL TALENT

Teruko: LITCH

Tecchou: i fucking hate taylor swift and anyone is better than her

Fukuchi: EXCUSE ME!!??

Tecchou: YEAH YOU HEARD ME THE FUCKING 'HONEY IM A NIGHTMARE DRESSED LIKE A DAYDREAM' I WANT TO KILL MYSELF EVERY TIME I HEAR THAT SHIT MELANIE'S SO MUCH BETTER BC YK WHY? SHE DOESN'T HAVE CRINGEY ASS WATTPAD LYRICS LIKE THAT

Fukuchi: BLASPHEMY

Teruko: WOO TELL EM TECCHOU

Dazai: MELANIE DOESNT HAVE CRINGEY LYRICS!!??

Chuuya: HER LYRICS HAVE LIKE FUCKING MEANING BEHIND THEM OTHER THAN BEING ABOUT SIMILAR FUCKING TOPICS EVERYTIME

Dazai: bro the entirety of gingerbread man is cringey

Naomi: I could win a fight on my period like yeah ok but idk I kinda hate that line

Teruko: THAT'S THE BEST PART???

Chuuya: OH SHUSH OSAMU LIKE SHAKE IT OFF IS SO MUCH MORE PROFOUND

Kunikida: How about we all come to the agreement that we have different music taste??

Kajii: no bc the song playdate gets on my fucking nerves

Tanizaki: That's just bc you'd hear it all the time on Tik Tok

Tecchou: and fucking swifties get on my nerves

Fukuchi: And crybabies get on my nerves

Teruko: WE'RE ACTUALLY CALLED EARTHLINGS RN IT'S A NEW ERA

Kajii: actually its earthlings! 🤓

Teruko: die with ur cringey ass fandom name unlike us little bows/crybabies/cherubs/angel bbies/earthlings

Higuchi: why the fuck r there so many

Gin: bc were cool like that

Chuuya: omg Gin ur one of us!!

Gin: ofc evils one of my favourite songs ever along w sippy cup

Chuuya: ilysm

Gin: love u <33 

Higuchi: CHEATER >:(

Gin: I HAVE NO REGRETS

Replying to: 

Tecchou: and fucking swifties get on my nerves

Atsushi: Okay fair. Some aren't normal but we aren't one of them well idk abt we but I'm not!!

Dazai: calling me a weird swiftie, kid?

Atsushi: Aha no...

Chuuya: at least Melanie loves her fans and is acc down to earth..

Teruko: real

Higuchi: TAYLOR LOVES US AND WDYM DOWN TO EARTH

Tanizaki: BRO SHE'S ALWAYS FLYING SOMEWHERE THE WOMAN'S FEET HAVE NEVER TOUCHED THE GROUND

Chuuya: damn straight

Fukuchi: IDC WHAT U GUYS SAY TAYLOR'S BETTER!! KARMA AND DON'T BLAME ME ON TOP

Chuuya: MELANIE

Fukuchi: TAYLOR

Chuuya: MELANIE

Fukuchi: TAYLOR

Chuuya: MELANIE

Fukuchi: TAYLOR

Ranpo: GUYS

Dazai: ?

Ranpo: both suck/r great. to each our own yeah? ok lets leave it then im getting fucking trauma from when us at the ada were deciding if arctic monkeys or the neighbourhood r better

Ranpo: and u know how that ended?

Fukuchi: Carnage

Teruko: anarchy

Nikolai: orgy

Ranpo: no thats how it started except for what gogol just thought was ok to say

Nikolai: oh boo!!

Ranpo: freak. but it ended in us all agreeing that the glass animals were superior

Ranpo: how abt we do that now? which artist can we all agree is a slayer and if i hear melanie martinez or taylor swifr im gonna kms

Fukuchi: OK I pick Taylor Swift

Ranpo: what did i literally just say

Fukuchi: U said taylor swifr not Taylor Swift

Ranpo: .

Chuuya: u broke him well done

Dazai: hes gonna go super saiyin just watch

Tecchou: get ready to get pegged by a pineapple

Atsushi: Jesus-

Ranpo: @fukitty i get why u hate him now pres

Fukuzawa: Mhmm he genuinely takes years off my life

Dazai: president thats the cutest @

Fukuzawa: Thank you

Fukuchi: Cute like u bb

Fukuzawa: Get away from me sex offender

Fukuchi: YOU WOUND ME YK

Fukuzawa: 😐

Chuuya: PFFT

Yosano: My guy REFUSES to lose the idgaf war 😭😭

Ranpo: LOL but anyways guys answer bc ik if we dont this convo is gonna start all over again

Atsushi: Hmm Ariana Grande?

Tecchou: bro said ariana like we'd all agree

Tachihara: i feel like atsushi just listens to white girl music

Atsushi: NUH UH

Tachihara: yeah? show us ur spotify wrapped

Atsushi: I didn't get one

Chuuya: u didn't get a spotify wrapped?

Atsushi: Yup must be a bug or smth

Nikolai: never tell nakajima ur secrets guys his lyings worse than his hair cut 

Atsushi: OI

Dazai: oof u ok after that one kid?

Atsushi: Fuck off

Replying to:

Ranpo: LOL but anyways guys answer bc ik if we dont this convo is gonna start all over again

Jouno: Aurora

Fyodor: I literally do not know who that is

Atsushi: Same

Jouno: :0

Dazai: fucking yes you do

Dazai: and i was running far away would i run off this world someday? nobody knows nobody knows

Teruko: and i was dancing in the rain i felt alive and i cant complain but oh take me home take me home where i belong i cant take this anymoreee

Fyodor: Ohhh

Dazai: ohhh sounding like a fucking donkey ogre 

Fyodor: And you look like one, slag

Dazai: 🖕

Atsushi: Rings no bells

Tecchou: she sang cure for me and animal

Jouno: Also sang as the mysterious voice in Frozen 2

Atsushi: Oh I know cure for me! Yah it's a lovely song

Jouno: Yess

Nikolai: dont like her music pick smth else

Jouno: I'm going to fuck u with scissors

Nikolai: and u think i wouldn't like that?

Jouno: Oh yeah forgot this guy has a kink for everything evil in this world

Nikolai: listen no kink shaming allowed

Ranpo: its ok with u ur not fucking arlight in the mind

Nikolai: wow so mentally ill ppl cant have kinks?

Fyodor: In that case we'd all be vanilla

Dazai: actually right for once

Fyodor: :3

Dazai: ew

Akutagawa: Guys how abt Lana Del Rey?

Chuuya: ooh yeah

Teruko: omgg yess

Ranpo: yeah i dont think anyone here hates her music or her

Tachihara: i hate her

Tanizaki: Why

Tachihara: i just do

Chuuya: u have to make everything so fucking difficult dont u

Tachihara: 😘😄🙃🤷🤷🦅🦅🦅🦅

Ranpo: yk what I'll just start naming artists im sure we all know and fukuzawa fukuchi mori and fyodor have to decide whos the best bc theyre the leaders of their groups and what not sigma ur w doa

Sigma: please don't make me go back there

Fyodor: MHMM YEP I'M THE ALPHA HERE GUYS

Sigma: for fucks sake

Teruko: NO NOT FAIRR

Fukuchi: HA LOSER

Fukuzawa: I think I know what my employees taste in music is. Making a definitive choice should be a no brainier

Tachihara: choose someone else for mori bc he said hes going out rmbr

Ranpo: ok i choose uh you ig tachihara and also most of the members in ur guyses organisation have to agree w ur shared choice but talk abt in ur own gc tho so not to make a fuss

Dazai: a fuss u sound like my grandma if i had one

Ranpo: ok dude

Tachihara: yay ive gained rights!

Chuuya: u chose the most mentally retarded person for this shit

Ranpo: i just love mayhem sm!!

Fyodor: Fair

Ranpo: ok lemme name em

Yosano:  Tell us the artists then!

Ranpo: DAMN BITCH I AM

Yosano: OK DAMN

Ranpo: DAMN

Tecchou: 😭

Ranpo: conan gray, mother mother, tame impala, odetari, tv girl, penelope scott, mitski, marina, kali uchis, girl in red

Nikolai: OMG PENELOPE YOUVE UNLOCKED PANDORAS BOX AGAIN

Fyodor: OMG TAME IMPALA

Ranpo: NO SHUSH GUYS TALK IN UR GC THEN COME BACK TO ME

Dazai: we dont need to we already know boss is gonna make a good choice

Kyouka: Yeah he always does

Yosano: So true

Fukuzawa: Bless

Fukuchi: I wish my employees looked up to me like that...

Teruko: its bc ur a wench

Tecchou: true that

Fukuchi: 😓

Fyodor: We've decided on Mitski

Fukuzawa: TV girl

Tachihara: omg samesiess we got tv girl too

Fukuchi: Conan Gray

Jouno: You didn't fucking ask us if we agree

Fukuchi: Dyu not?

Teruko: no i'm good w conan

Tecchou: yh same

Jouno: Yes I guess

Tachihara: mhmm

Teruko: who fucking asked you

Tachihara: i mean i am still in the hunting dogs gc and work there so...

Chuuya: wow

Gin: fucking whore

Higuchi: SLUT

Kajii: pick an organisation and stick with it yeah?

Tachihara: WHAT IF IM POLY FOR U ALL

Teruko: dont be

Kajii: thats fine we're just not poly for u

Tachihara: 💔

Ranpo: ok so conan gray is ur final choice?

Tecchou: yuhh

Ranpo: alr by default TV girl won

Fukuchi: Honestly I'm good w that

Nikolai: same here louise is one of my all time fav songs

Naomi: Yeah pls no one have an issue w tv girl

Dazai: nahh we can all agree on tv girl man blue hair goes on repeat in my head

Chuuya: basic

Dazai: LISTEN I LIKED IT BEFORE IT GOT POPS ON TIKTOK OKAY

Jouno: That's what they all say

Atsushi: Guys u wont be hearing from me for a while

Nikolai: THANK GOD

Tanizaki: In the nicest way Atsushi, dear. I forgot u were here

Tachihara: little mr rhymer over here

Tanizaki: Hell yeah look at me go

Replying to: 

Tanizaki: In the nicest way Atsushi, dear. I forgot u were here

Atsushi: THE NICE THING WOULD BE NOT TO SAY THAT

Tanizaki: It felt meaner to not tell u though

Atsushi: BRUH 😭

Akutagawa: I will also not be present for the remaining hours

Nikolai: omg theyre off to have hot steamy anal sex

Tecchou: same w me and jouno

Jouno: The fuck

Tecchou: 😉😘

Jouno: Gross

Atsushi: Way to go Ryuu made it real obvious we weren't going to be meeting

Dazai: what r u two crazy kids gonna do???

Atsushi: None of your business!!

Dazai: oh ok but u do know what everyone elses business here is?

Atsushi: OKOK I'LL TELL U GUYS JUST DON'T DO WHATEVER IT IS YOUR ABOUT TO DO

Dazai: good boy

Atsushi: That sent a fucking shiver down my spine

Dazai: nice

Nikolai: ha gross

Chuuya: i concur

Dazai: ill concur you

Nikolai: at least make it make sense

Dazai: at least make ur HAIRCUT make sense little bitch tryna be aether or smth

Nikolai: ☹️☹️

Dazai: uh but atsu as u were saying

Gin: him and ryuu r going on a picnic

Atsushi: Yes.

Higuchi: FUCKING FAGGOTS

Gin: RIGHT?? ITS THE GAYEST FIRST DATE EVER

Chuuya: aww u two r so cute

Akutagawa: No uu

Atsushi: Yeah just not u Osamu

Dazai: OI

Chuuya: ong u guys r so sweet and correct!!

Dazai: watch if a certain bombing happens at ur faggot fest

Tachihara: HAHA FAGGOT FEST

Atsushi: Um did u guys know it's technically a hate crime to call someone the f-slur!

Dazai: Uhh technically guys! ☝️🤓

Atsushi: STOPP

Akutagawa: I feel bad laughing

Atsushi: MHM GOOD YOU SHOULD

Ranpo: i dont

Atsushi: FUCK YOU

Ranpo: faggot

Atsushi: 😭😭

Yosano: Ok leave him alone guys he didn't ask to be mentally ill

Atsushi: Ur gay too??

Yosano: No dear I'm lesbian

Atsushi: SAME THINGINFJGFUYFIVOGBHUL

Chuuya: no lesbians r their own thing

Yosano: Chuuya knows whats up!

Tachihara: yk i should be heading off for my date too!

Tanizaki: Fuck I'm not even dressed or shit

Tachihara: same dw

Naomi: dw I'll help u get ready hun

Tanizaki: Ty!! <3

Ranpo: siscon

Atsushi: Sis-con

Dazai: sister connor

Tanizaki: STOP FUCK OFF I'M GOING NOW

Ranpo: byee juni!

Replying to:

Dazai: sister connor

Jouno: Yes that's what con is short for

Dazai: it is got a problem?

Jouno: Remember when I threw your bony ass in jail

Dazai: Remember when I went to your house and left the gas on or did I not tell u that yet

Tecchou: jokes on u little buddy! the only gas that got left on is mine bc i just fucking farted

Chuuya: ok.

Jouno: Oh great heavens I can smell it

Tecchou: liar you're not even on the same floor as me

Jouno: My other senses are heightened by an inhuman amount also your farts stink by an inhuman amount

Tecchou: does that mean i'm special?

Jouno: Special needed, yeah

Tecchou: welp at least that's something!

Replying to:

Jouno: My other senses are heightened by an inhuman amount also your farts stink by an inhuman amount

Teruko: it's from the weird ass food combos he eats i tell ya

Jouno: Oh for sure

Fukuchi: Yeah, it has become a major problem

Tecchou: u guys r sleeping on jam and tuna in a boiled egg i tell ya

Dazai: no because what the actual fuck is your issue

Tecchou: IT'S SO GOOD OML

Nikolai: ill take ur word for it bc i do eat omelette and tuna on a daily

Fyodor: It's why we eat in different rooms during breakfast

Fyodor: It's tearing us apart

Nikolai: ill tear u apart w my long thick demon cock

Kyouka: kenji and I are still here

Atsushi: OMG YEAH WTF IS WRONG W U GUYS

Nikolai: its alr gotta teach em young anyways

Chuuya: what a predator way of wording that

Replying to:

Kyouka: kenji and I are still here

Fyodor: Wait how old are you guys?

Kyouka: we're both fourteen

Fyodor: Oh that's fine I thought u were like five! I was fucking bitches at 14

Naomi: And I thought just reading explicit yaoi smut fanfiction at fourteen was bad...

Higuchi: dont say bitches like ur special and dont get raw dogged every night you twink

Fyodor: Listen-

Fyodor: Yeah, exactly.

Higuchi: yeah, exactly indeed

Kyouka: i already know abt all that shit daz would give me free sex ed every other break i'm just worried about kenji's sweet blissful ignorance getting tainted at least leave it till he's like 15 or 16

Atsushi: Seriously Dazai?

Dazai: whatt she didnt know abt it someone had to tell her. and it sure as hell couldnt have been atsushi i dont even think he still fully knows what it is

Atsushi: I know what sex is thank you very much

Nikolai: guys guys i did something

Fyodor: Mm?

Nikolai: ugh fedya ur so cute

Dazai: he typed two letters with a question mark at the end

Nikolai: and it was the most adorable thing ever!!

Kajii: ok acting like if chuuya didn't do the same u wouldn't fold

Chuuya: he does have a point there

Atsushi: Can't argue with that

Dazai: why r u still here shouldnt u be at ur picnic?

Atsushi: I ammm I'm just waiting for Ryuu

Atsushi: Ooh nvm he's here byeee

Chuuya: bye love

Dazai: cyaaa good lcuk!!

Replying to:

Kajii: ok acting like if chuuya didn't do the same u wouldn't fold

Dazai: ok but thats CHUUYA yk CHUUYA NAKAHARA not anaemic russian man who thinks his hair shine is from his hair being healthy but it's actually just greasy as fuck

Fyodor: Jealousy is all I hear. And spite

Dazai: yup so jealous wish I had fleas oh lord why have u forsaken me with this o' so cursed cleanliness!

Fyodor: Fucker

Ranpo: omg daz send us admin i wanna add someone

Dazai: yh sure

Osamu Dazai gave Ranpo Edogawa Admin

Ranpo: BE NORMAL GUYS ISTFG

Nikolai: sure ill tell u the thing i did also when this new guy joins

Ranpo: oh lord im so sorry Eddie

Dazai: wait eddie as in edgar allan poe?

Chuuya: omg poe

Ranpo Edogawa added Edgar Allan Poe

Dazai: HI EDDIE WEDDIE

Chuuya: hey poe wsp

Ranpo: hey babe hope u dont mind me adding u here i feel like itd be more fun

Nikolai: HI POEE

Poe: Hello Osamu, Chuuya and Ranpo... I do not know who Nikolai is though?

Nikolai: BUT I'VE BEEN UR ADMIRER FOR 15 YEARS POE

Poe: What...

Replying to:

Ranpo: BE NORMAL GUYS ISTFG

Ranpo: WHAT DID I FUCKING JUST SAY

Nikolai: HEHE BUT ITS SO FUN TO SCARE OFF NEW COMERS, NO?

Ranpo: NO

Nikolai: ohh yh lemme show u guys the thing

Ranpo: pls dont let it be porn pls dont let it be porn

Fyodor: Please let it be porn. Please let it be porn

Yosano: Excellent first impressions here guys

Poe: Don't worry I find it rather amusing

Nikolai: nooo not porn

Nikolai Gogol sent an image [will be revealed chapter 11 *cue jjba part 2 outro*]

Chapter Text

smart people + chuuya

18:37

Nikolai Gogol sent an image [so u guys know where kyouka said 'i already know abt all that shit daz would give me free sex ed every other break' yeah nikolai cropped out the rest and edited out the word ed so... 😀😟]

Yosano: WOAHHH

Naomi: Oh that's not...

Nikolai: poe u still sure u wanna be friends w him after this

Poe: Oh!

Dazai: what is wrong with you like GENUINELY THO

Nikolai: nah whats wrong w u child molester?

Dazai: OMFG IM GONNA KILL U WE ALL KNOW ITS EDITED NO ONE BELIEVES U WE CAN LITCH SCROLL UP AND SEE WHAT SHE SAID DICKHEAD

Mori: look at that Dazai, we're more alike than you think

Dazai: oh good lord

Mori: I guess you can say the student has become the teacher

Dazai: STEP THE FUCK BACK

Replying to:

Dazai: OMFG IM GONNA KILL U WE ALL KNOW ITS EDITED NO ONE BELIEVES U WE CAN LITCH SCROLL UP AND SHE WHAT SHE SAID DICKHEAD

Poe: I'm going to be completely transparent with you here. I genuinely believed it for a hot second

Nikolai: LOLLL

Dazai: OMG @tofu_bunny WHAT IS WROMHG W THE PPL HERE

Replying to:

Poe: I'm going to be completely transparent with you here. I genuinely believed it for a hot second

Ranpo: nice can your clothes be completely transparent too

Poe: What?

Kyouka: U tell me osamua they're ur mates

Replying to:

Poe: What?

Ranpo: what?

Yosano: Didn't u just say don't act weird earlier?

Dazai: OK LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT GOGOL IS ANYTHING BUT A FRIEND SAME GOES FOR FYODOR

Ranpo: yeah to u guys. its ok for me

Poe: Yeah, I am pretty used to it. You should see the things he texts me

Ranpo: loll

Replying to:

Dazai: OK LETS GET ONE THING STRAIGHT GOGOL IS ANYTHING BUT A FRIEND SAME GOES FOR FYODOR

Nikolai: all im hearing is that were more than friends

Fyodor: Yeah, Dazai, I hope you know we're not interested in a threesome with you

Nikolai: BUT WE ARE interested in a threesome with that pretty little husband of yours

Fyodor: Sooo interested

Dazai: BACK OFF WHITIES HES MAN

Chuuya: i feel molested

Teruko: i feel sick for u too dw

Replying to:

Dazai: BACK OFF WHITIES HES MAN

Nikolai: WE MAY BE WHITE BUT AT LEAST WE DONT COLONISE LIKE UR ASSES

Dazai: BITCH UKRAINE?

Nikolai: oh yeah 💀

Dazai: dumbasses all around

Fyodor: Sorry for colonising you sweetheart <3

Nikolai: i forgive u pookie <33

Yosano: Wait Nikolai isn't Russian??

Tachihara: RIGHT?? I THOUGHT HE WERE TOO BUT NAH HES FROM UKRAINE

Nikolai: hehe noo i just lived in moscow for 7 years it's how i met fedyaa

Higuchi: what is it with these gay couples and seven years

Ranpo: ive known poe for seven years too

Higuchi: yk ur gay if u manage to hit the seven yr mark

Replying to:

Nikolai: hehe noo i just lived in moscow for 7 years it's how i met fedyaa

Dazai: aww no one fucking cares

Nikolai: ur mum cared when i edged her last night

Dazai: i cant even say shes dead bc she aint

Kyouka: ooh a rare one!

Ranpo: next time im gonna try reverse psychology and say pop off guys act fucking deluded

Nikolai: oh id advise u not to give me that kind of freedom...

Ranpo: ur so right

Chuuya: so ur telling me this isnt u at ur insanest?

Nikolai: oh just wait till u see me at my full power

Chuuya: no thank you!

Bram: Hello

Ranpo: WHERE THE FUCK DID U COME FROM

Dazai: HELLO HI? WELCOME TO EARTH

Nikolai: U GOT ADDED WHEN??

Fyodor: When we got added 😭

Nikolai: omgg

Fukuchi: I completely forgot I added you

Bram: This is demeaning

Dazai: well i dont know DA MEANING of that word 🤣🤣🤣

Dazai: gravity falls anyone?

Poe: It's my favourite cartoon

Dazai: god ur so real in every aspect

Poe: Thank you so much

Fukuchi: I like it too!

Fukuzawa: No one fucking cares

Teruko: i love ur guyses president he always says whatever i'm thinking

Yosano: Ikr he's the best

Replying to:

Fukuzawa: No one fucking cares

Fukuchi: OK YOU KNOW WHAT NO DAZAI CARES OK HE LITERALLY ASKED

Dazai: nah i stopped caring after poe replied

Fukuzawa: Yeah... what were you saying again, Gen'ichiro?

Fukuchi: Yk despite how much u annoy me I could never get mad at u. Wanna know why?

Fukuzawa: No

Gin: its gonna be some homosexual shit i tell ya

Fukuchi: Bc you're adorable. Nothing more, nothing less. Ur just a cutie inside and out

Chuuya: aww

Jouno: Stop why is that actually so sweet

Teruko: take notes kids this is how u romance someone

Fukuzawa: Uhh no thanks

Teruko: oh ok nevermind 😭😭

Fukuchi: WHAT AM I DOING WRONG??

Fukuzawa: No I was only kidding. That was very sweet

Fukuchi: IF I'M DREAMING AND SOMEONE FUCKING WAKES ME UP I WILL END THEM

Bram: Is this the first time he's ever responded well to your advances or what

Fukuchi: Pfft ha me? First? Please as if!! That's, that's crazy...

Tecchou: no one believes you u do know that right?

Jouno: I can smell your awkward sweating through the screen

Fukuchi: Smells like candy floss I bet

Jouno: Smells like dog water

Fukuzawa: Charming

Fukuchi: THANK UU

Fukuzawa: I couldn't have been more sarcastic if I tried

Ranpo: eddie i hope ur having as much fun as i am watching these two bicker

Poe: I do find it rather amusing

Fukuzawa: Oh, Poe you're here! I didn't notice. How are you?

Poe: I'm doing great, sir! How about you?

Fukuzawa: Well whatever emotion Gen'ichiro is giving me is how I'm feeling

Fukuchi: Feeling in love?

Fukuzawa: It's a mixture between attraction and thickly veiled disgust

Poe: I thought it was thinly veiled disgust

Fukuzawa: It should be but for him it's thickly

Fukuchi: ALL I HEARD WAS ATTRACTION HOT DIGGITY

Fukuzawa: Oh what the fuck

Teruko: u gave everyone here the ick sir

Nikolai: even my dick got the ick and now i feel sick

Fukuchi: I'm sorry guys 😓

Fukuzawa: No, you're good just never do that again

Dazai: fair enough yk 😭

Fukuchi: Yayy

Bram: Fellas

Chuuya: A-ALL MY FELLAS

Ranpo: ALL MY FELLAS

Dazai: 🎺🎺

Yosano: 😺😽😼

Bram: What

Chuuya: nothing, continue

Bram: Ok... um how do I add someone to this gc?

Osamu Dazai gave Bram Stoker Admin

Dazai: go crazy man

Bram: Thx

Ranpo: wait ur last names stoker? dude i thought it was stroker this entire time

Bram: God I don't even know what to say

Chuuya: STROKERVBLGOPBN

Fyodor: SERIOUSLY? STROKER??

Ranpo: YEAH I THOUGHT IT DIDNT SOUND RIGHT

Dazai: that should be moris second name

Kyouka: Yeah and Minor is his middle

Yosano: Ougai Minor Stroker or Mori Minor Stroker

Chuuya: ok but why does Mori Minor Stroker actually go hard

Chuuya: samu don't say like my dick

Dazai: GOES HARD LIKE MY

Dazai: awww man

Nikolai: where did ur fun streak go chuuya?

Chuuya: ur getting that shit mixed up w my perverted streak which i dont have

Jouno: God please don't say shit and streak in the same sentence

Tecchou: mixed up perverted shit streak

Jouno: THE WEDDINGS OFF

Tecchou: nahh ik ur bluffing u love me too much

Jouno: Unfortunately...

Teruko: gay

Tecchou: ok dyu have anything constructuve to say or is that it?

Teruko: i think that's all thats needed to be said

Bram Stoker added Aya Koda

Aya: HII

Kyouka: yo wsg Aya

Kenji: HI GIRLL

Dazai: omg heyy

Ranpo: hiya lovee

Bram: Sorry that took so long, had to convince her this was worth her while

Dazai: so you lied to her

Bram: Essentially, yeah.

Nikolai: HI AYA WANNA HAVE SEX WITH ME?

Chuuya: SHE IS TEN YEARS OLD

Nikolai: OH SHIT NEVERMIND

Dazai: KARMAS A BITCH MAN NEXT TIME DONT BE WEIRD OR PPL R GONNA THINK UR ACTUALLY WEIRD

Nikolai: FORGIVE ME KID YEAH DODNT KNOW LOL

Bram: I sure as hell aint loling rn

Aya: so happy i'm not an adult oh my god. lord knows what this guy would've done to me if else

Kunikida: Aya sweetie forgive them on my behalf they're clinically insane and really really gay

Dazai: r u gay bc ur insane?

Ranpo: or insane bc ur gay?

Dazai: now these r the real questions

Kunikida: See what I mean?

Aya: i think i'll have a lot of fun here!

Aya: and trauma

Dazai: that's the spirit!

Replying to:

Dazai: KARMAS A BITCH MAN NEXT TIME DONT BE WEIRD OR PPL R GONNA THINK UR ACTUALLY WEIRD

Sigma: god no pls u reminded me of that fucking jojo siwa song

Fyodor: THOU SHALL NOT LIE

Nikolai: THOU SHALL NOT CHEAT

Fyodor: THOU SHALL NOT GET CAUGHT OR YOU'LL END UP JUST LIKE ME

Teruko: it sounds like shes speaking a mix of korean and mandarin in that part

Sigma: HELP IT DOES WTH

Aya: I WAS A BAD GIRL

Fukuchi: I DID SOME BAD THINGS

Aya: EW DON'T SING WITH ME

Sigma: you heard the girl fukuchi it's time to pack it up now

Fukuchi: NO PLEASE I'M A STARRRR

Tecchou: youve watched pearl sir?

Fukuchi: What's that?

Tecchou: bc u just said her line- ok

Fukuchi: I'll never understand these kids and their crazy references

Fukuzawa: And I'll never understand how you manage to gross out every single person you come in contact with

Fukuchi: THAT'S BECAUSE I DON'T

Jouno: HELP WHO TOLD U THAT SWEET SWEET LIE

Fukuchi: HHMPH

Ranpo: bro hmphd

Tecchou: blud thinks he's in a fanfiction

Naomi: Yeah I bet he wishes he was in an angst/eventual comfort one

Chuuya: has a title like the stars aligned and we all fell apart then the next tag is anal fisting

Yosano: Dead dove: don't eat but with a good ending

Higuchi: it'd win the watty awards for most heart felt fanfiction

Sigma: then be adapted into a cheesy coming of age movie

Gin: lifetime movie

Teruko: ice spice rapping in the end credits for safe measures

Chuuya: should we make this a fucking reality?

Gin: i don't see why not

Yosano: It'd be horrible let's do it

Fukuchi: What's happening?

Sigma: WE'RE GOING TO TURN U INTO A STAR 🤩

Fukuchi: YAYY

Dazai: why did all the girlies come online to plot this

Higuchi: two words ten letters

Naomi: we love us some good gay fan fiction

Teruko: whilst simultaneously hating gay men

Fukuchi: No I think that's just you

Yosano: No I don't think it is

Naomi: Oh no I hate gay men irl don't even get me started

Higuchi: i second that

Gin: i third

Chuuya: i'll have to agree w the girls on this one

Sigma: same here

Dazai: aren't you all a little bit homosexual yourselves also chuuya and sigma r both gay men

Sigma: how dare u call us that SLUR

Naomi: Innit who dyu fucking think u r osamu?

Teruko: CHUUYA AND SIGMA R GIRLIES THROUGH AND THROUGH

Dazai: good golly grief

Atsushi: HII GUYS

Akutagawa: Hello guys

Gin: arent you guys meant to be fucking?

Akutagawa: Why are you so ghastly

Atsushi: GUYS IT WASN'T EVEN A DATE WE WERE GOING OUT AS MATES

Akutagawa: Next time that wont be the case tho

Dazai: OMFH OMFGGG

Chuuya: R U GUYS DATUNG NOW??

Atsushi: YEPPP

Kunikida: Congrats you two

Gin: omgg finally i can rest w this knowledge

Naomi: OMG GET JT ATSUSHJ WOOOO

Aya: i thought u two were already dating tbh

Sigma: we all did don't worry about it

Atsushi: HEHE NOO

Atsushi: Also,

Atsushi: AYA HI SWEET HOW ARE UU

Aya: this nikolai guy asked to have sex with me

Yosano: HELPP OMG

Atsushi: Excuse me WHAT!!??

Akutagawa: Fucking pardon?

Nikolai: I DIDNT KNOE SHE WAS TEN GUYS BELIEVE ME

Akutagawa: Uh huh...

Atsushi: Yeah sure... Officer it's this one right here 🚨🚨🚓🚓🚓

Nikolai: :(((

Fyodor: It's ok babe, they'll forget.

Nikolai: :)))

Dazai: no we wont

Ranpo: not in a million years

Nikolai: AW MANNN

Akutagawa: Ok switching the topic over bc I feel sort of ill. Atsushi cried when I asked him out

Chuuya: AWW BLESS YOUR HEART ATSU

Gin: AWWHH OMG THE CUTIEFUL

Ranpo: HA PUSSY

Atsushi: RANPO MAN 😭😭

Poe: Don't be tight, dear. You started crying when I got you that box of powdered donuts on our first date, remember?

Ranpo: SHHHHFGHKMKLKH I WAS GOING THRU SHIT THAT DAY OK IT JUST ALL CAUGHT UP TO ME THERE

Sigma: lol cute

Poe: Very cute indeed

Ryuunosuke Akutagawa sent a voice message [Atsushi: "OH MY GOD WHY'D YOU TELL THEM? I'M GONNA GET SO BULLIED AT WORK." then fake wailing accompanied by ryuu faintly chucklin and gucklin]

Dazai: yeah ur right u r going to get bullied im glad u know

Atsushi: I love having supportive friends!

Chuuya: ignore this asswipe he can't say anything himself he started tearing up when i first kissed him on the cheek

Dazai: THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME THAT ANYONR HAD KISSED ME ON THE CHEEK SO SOFTLY HOW ELSE WAS I MEANT TO REACT

Chuuya: it was adorable dw

Dazai: <33

Sigma: so we're all just a bunch of wimps huh

Teruko: guess so

Atsushi: YO DAZZZ

Dazai: YOO ATSU

Atsushi: SHOULD WE ADD ANGMUSHI TO THE GC??

Dazai: is that a type of std

Atsushi: HELP NO IT'S ANGO AND MUSHITARO'S SHIP NAME

Dazai: ahh but i thought we agreed on mango

Yosano: Yhh I could've sworn we said mango not whatever Atsushi said oh so confidently

Chuuya: angmushi

Kunikida: Genuinely sounds like a type of fungi

Haruno: Sounds like a form of crabs

Naomi: HARUNOOO

Sigma: OMG HEY BITCH

Haruno: HIYAA

Dazai: girl where have u been tf?

Haruno: I went out yesterday and slept most of today I just woke up rn

Atsushi: Honestly so real of u

Dazai: shut up atsushi w ur weird sexually transmitted infection ship

Atsushi: BRO CAN WE NOT DWELL ON EVERY LITTLE THING I DO GODDAMN

Dazai: no. but yh we can add mango

Osamu Dazai added Oguri Mushitaro + Ango Sakaguchi

Ango: No

Ango Sakaguchi Left

Osamu Dazai added Ango Sakaguchi

Dazai: sorry but theres no escape bubbs

Ango: Welp I guess suicide is the only option left

Mushitaro: Girl chilll nothin bad has even happened yet 😭

Ango: No but I can smell something depraved is going to occur

Nikolai: oh that would be fyodor ur getting a whiff of

Fyodor: I do use a perfume called depraved so this makes sense

Ango: Good gosh give me strength lord 🙏

Ranpo: aint no god gonna help u now lil buddy ur stuck with us now 😈

Ango: Am I being punished for being gay?

Teruko: I THINK YHAT MIGHT ACTUALLY BE THE CASE YOU KNOW

Mushitaro: Lmaoo

Chapter Text

smart people + chuuya

19:02

Dazai: so ehe ango

Ango: NO. No. No! No? No... No- No

Dazai: so no in every universe huh

Ranpo: except for the moaning universe

Mushitaro: I beg your pardon

Nikolai: No daddy~

Ango: Why aren't you in jail by now Nikolai? You've committed multiple federal offences

Nikolai: im just a slippery little fella

Teruko: also the police can't do their jobs right

Higuchi: ain't that the truth

Jouno: Teruko, do you know what us hunting dogs are?

Teruko: yes and we fuck around all day at work instead of actual policing remember that day we randomly decided to skive work and prank boss by making him think we fucking died

Akutagawa: That sounds fun

Atsushi: Jesus that's horrifying

Akutagawa: I mean... Sick. Sick minds all around!

Gin: lololl

Chuuya: two sides of the same gay ass coin

Fukuchi: ATSUSHI. GUYS. IT WASN'T JUST TERRIFYING IT WAS TRAUMATISING. THE LITTLE SHITS SMEARED FAKE BLOOD ALL OVER THE WALLS AND FLOORS. THEY WROTE HELP IN THE BLOOD AND HAD THEIR UNIFORMS THROWN AND TORN ON THE FLOOR WITH SCRATCHES ON THE WALLS AND TABLES WITH A FUCKING RANSOM NOTE SKEWERED TO THE WALL WITH A KNIFE BC WHY NOT I SUPPOSE?? GOOD GOLLY I NEARLY THREW UP BEFORE I REALISED THE BLOOD WAS FAKE THEN THEY HAD THE GALL TO COME IN A FEW MINUTES LATER GOING

Fukuchi: SIR DID U LIKE THE PRANK?? I? NO THE FUCK I DID NOT LIKE THE PRANK YOU'RE ALL DERANGED ALL OF YOU R NOT RIGHT IN THE MIND

Tecchou: insane in the membrane 🤪

Jouno: It was so funny though omfg

Yosano: These r the people u guys r trusting to keep u safe btw

Higuchi: i feel like they're more insane than the actual war criminals

Teruko: oh yes 100%

Tecchou: deffo

Jouno: Without a doubt

Atsushi: Not something to be proud of but pop off

Replying to:

Jouno: It was so funny though omfg

Fukuchi: Yeah Jouno? Was it? Was it funny? Did you chuckle? Did you cackle? Did you giggle? Did you guffaw?

Nikolai: guffaw

Fukuchi: WELL GUESS WHO WASN'T LAUGHING WHEN HE HAD TO EXPLAIN TO THE CLEANERS WHAT THE FUCK THEY WERE LOOKING AT AND HOW IT WAS 'JUST A PRANK'

Jouno: Uhhh you?

Fukuchi: ME

Tecchou: cool idrk what u want us to do abt that tho

Fukuchi: EMPATHISE? HELLO? EMPATHISE.

Fukuzawa: Don't get so heated Gen'ichiro

Fukuchi: Thank you Yukichi

Fukuzawa: Yeah, don't want you getting anymore wrinkles than you already have

Ranpo: oooh

Fukuchi: GOD

Teruko: get absolutely dunked on my guy

Fukuchi: Do you not feel bad bullying me

Fukuzawa: No.

Fukuchi: Alrighty then!

Yosano: Fucking loser

Tecchou: real

Fukuchi: UGJHHH

Dazai: come on ango

Dazai: angooo

Dazai: ango babyyy

Ango: Don't call me baby sicko what is it?

Dazai: at least let me ask the questionnnn

Atsushi: Ango don't ur gonna be either humiliated disgusted or traumatised

Ango: I wish I had a say in the matter but I just know no matter what, the god forsaken question is going to be asked... Just out with it

Dazai: dyu remember the time when us two and oda were fucked up on those cinnamon schnapps at lupin and u were especially drunk and then u started throwing it back on the counter swingin ur head back and forth and ur glasses got sent flying out the window whilst peppers by lana del rey was being blasted so fucking loud i could feel it in my veins and then ur employer walked in as u were popping off w me and oda gassing u up then u just started crying begging for forgiveness then ur boss got all nervous bc genuinely what the fuck do you do in that situation so then u started tap dancing and then me and oda obv couldnt breathe from laughin bc wtf so oda asked whilst laughing crying what on earth u were doing so then u looked back at us w a confident smirk and said 'hes irish right? well i heard in ireland they tap dance as a form of apology' and idk where the fuck u got that information from but u were so confident in ur words then the guy skedaddled then u turned the music more up somehow didny even know that was possible then started twerking rlly aggressively and i have a video of thr whole event right here and its my favourite video ever. but anyways dyu rmbr that?

Atsushi: IM GONE IM GENUINELY GONE OMD ITS WORSE THAN THE VIDS U HAVE OF ME SHIT I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THAT WAS POSSIBLE

Replying to:

Atsushi: Ango don't ur gonna be either humiliated disgusted or traumatised

Akutagawa: Guess it was all three then

Teruko: FUCK I CAN'T BREATHE FUCKKKJLI

Mushitaro: SWND NOW RUGHT FUCKING NOW

Yosano: PLEASE U DON'T UNDERSTAND THE NEED TO SEE 

Chuuya: sometimes I feel like u make these stories up bc there is no way ts can be real 😭

Ango: Yeah he's literally making it up idk where he gets these stories from in all realness 

Ranpo: oh sweet boy u shouldnt have said that 

Ango: And why is that?

Dazai: WELL I GUESS THERES ONLY ONE WAY TO VERIFY MY STORIES AUTHENTICITY 

Ango: NO DAZAI NO FOR THELOVE OF GOD NO I'LL DO ANYTHING

Dazai: anything eh?

Ango: MOST THINGS DAZAI MOST THINGS

Atsushi: Is this how pathetic I sound every time

Fyodor: Yes but more sad somehow

Teruko: like a small kitten pawing at its owner for food

Nikolai: like a little baby bird slamming into a window trying again and again to get through the glass but just flailing and failing helplessly

Naomi: like a loser sucky uppy bitch really

Chuuya: i would combat her with something but at the end of the day she is correct

Atsushi: FUCK U GUYS I'M SICK OF THIS PATRONISING I'M GONNA ADD SOMEONE I KNOW WILL BACK ME UP

Atsushi: DAZAI. ADMIN. NOW

Dazai: YES SIR

Dazai: and dont think im done w u yet ango 😉

Ango: Oh fuck me

Mushitaro: No uu

Ango: I really want to go to bed Mushi but I have my dignity to fight for what should I do?

Nikolai: kill yourself

Mushitaro: Well i was gonna say take a nice warm bath but that works too ig shit 🤷‍♂️

Osamu Dazai gave Atsushi Nakajima Admin

Ango: You know what clown? I just might

Atsushi Nakajima added Lucy Maud Montgomery

Lucy: SUP BITHCESSS

Poe: Hello Lucy!!

Kyouka: Hii Lulu

Dazai: HEY BITCHH OMG SO HAPPY UR HERE

Lucy: HI ED HI KYOKYO HI DAZ!!

Nikolai: lucy...

Lucy: get away from me. get. away.

Nikolai: U LOVE ME <33

Lucy: I DON'T <33

Atsushi: LUCY LUCY LUCY LISTEN

Lucy: YES HUN??

Atsushi: YOU DON'T FIND ME SAD AND PATHETIC RIGHT?

Lucy: i think ur the most pathetic person i know atsushi

Atsushi Nakajima removed Lucy Maud Montgomery

Akutagawa: Oh wow 💀

Atsushi: Fucking useless bitch

Dazai: NAHH

Chuuya: HELPP

Osamu Dazai added Lucy Maud Montgomery

Dazai: LOOK AT WHAT SUSU JUST SAID

Lucy: SUSU BEHAVE OR I'LL BRING OUT THE SPRAY BOTTLE

Gin: AWWW SUSU

Atsushi: WHAT THE HELL

Lucy: 💦💦💦

Atsushi: Getting wet for me?

Chuuya: WHATT

Gin: PFFT

Lucy: EWWWWW

Atsushi: LOOK THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I GET FED UP I TURN INTO DAZAI

Dazai: DUDE I WOULD NEVER SAY GETTIBG WET FOR ME ?? BFFR 

Atsushi: YOU WOULD LIAR ALSO RYUU IS SIDE EYEING ME SO HARD RN OMD

Akutagawa: The honey moon phase was nice while it lasted guys

Yosano: HE IS DISTRAUGHT

Atsushi: I SWEAR I'M NOT USUALLY LIKE THIS LIKE AT ALL

Ranpo: ignore him aku he acts like a fucking freak

Dazai: yeahh remember when u offered to give the president head for a raise?

Fukuzawa: Oh I remember that

Atsushi: NO THEY'RE LYING LIARS! PRESIDENT I THOUGHT I COULD TRUST U

Akutagawa: Dw I believe you

Atsushi: THANK YOU

Akutagawa: I was talking to Dazai san

Dazai: LOLLL

Atsushi: OMD CAN'T CATCH A FRICKIN BREAK CAN I

Akutagawa: HELP HE LOOKS SO STRESSED OUT RN

Atsushi: I'm trying to remember why I became friends w Dazai

Dazai: bc i was the only one who rmbrd ur brthday and took u out to all the best places and paid for everything my pockets were crying but u were smiling so that was all that mattered

Chuuya: AWWW MY HUBBYS SO CUTEEE

Kunikida: That is shockingly adorable

Atsushi: OK I REMEMBER NOW I LOVE YOU MAN

Dazai: I LOVE YOU TOO SUSU

Lucy: AWW U BASTARDS

Fyodor: Ok this is getting a bit too sweet for my liking

Dazai: yeah ur right

Dazai: OH LUCY DEAR

Lucy: YES??

Ango: Please don't

Dazai: wanna see something funny?

Ango: Dazai...

Lucy: HELP IT'S GONNA BE ANGO HUMILIATED ISN'T IT YES SHOW ME NOW PLEASE

Dazai: YOUR ELLIPSES DONT SCARE ME ANGO

Dazai: i just have one more person to ask

Dazai: its all riding on them

Dazai: life or death

Sigma: dude its not that deep

Ango: FOR YOU MAYBE

Mushitaro: Bro is absolutely stressin rn i tell you

Ango: I HATE DAZAI I HATE HIM SO MUCH

Mushitaro: Shh shh ik its ok its ok we all do

Chuuya: heh

Dazai: hey love?

Chuuya: the fuck do u want

Akutagawa: Ur so rude to Dazai san for no real reason

Chuuya: the reason is my enjoyment

Dazai: YEP YEP FAIR ENOUGH

Chuuya: anyways what is it

Dazai: shud i send the video?

Chuuya: hmm

Ango: Chuuya come on you know me if the roles were reversed I wouldn't do it!!

Chuuya: remember when i held you up by ur neck and u didn't do anything like a little bitch

Ango: Ok was that really necessary to bring up?

Chuuya: it felt right

Nikolai: wow what a LOSER

Ango: Wait why am I enduring this?

Mushitaro: oop

Aya: omg his villain era is starting

Lucy: i'm so here for it omd

Ango: Dazai?

Dazai: *gulp* y-yes?

Sigma: now what in the ever loving fuck was that

Dazai: im nervous okay

Ango: Remember the time we were off gambling and this lady walked by u thought was cute u rlly into her too like u left the poker game we were playing just to go for her so u started flirting and she was like "umm sorry I'm a lesbian" then u looked her straight in the eyes and went " oh I'm a girl yeah i got drugged up with testosterone once so my voice is a little funny' like not even I'm trans 'I got drugged up with testosterone' really? Then she started laughing so loud oh my days and everyone turned to look and it went silent save for the girl lmaoing the night away and ppl were like whispering and snickering and shit and u fucking stayed next to her like u could salvage this situation like u had a chance

Ango: Mind you he was in a very sober state at least I was drunk when I popped off

Nikolai: BRO

Fyodor: Oh this is gold...

Atsushi: Dazai man...

Lucy: HEHE 0 PUSSY HAVER

Gin: what would u do if that actually worked and she found out u had a penis then what? i tripped and accidentally got bottom surgery?

Dazai: that was my backup plan

Yosano: Man you're so... God I can't explain it

Chuuya: OI BASTARD WE WERE DATING BACK THEN CARE TO EXPLAIN

Gin: OI U ABSOLUTE WHORE

Atsushi: TROLLOP

Akutagawa: HUH COME AGAIN!??

Yosano: OH NVM I CAN EXPLAIN IT UR SO SLUTTY NOT IN A GOOD WAY EITHER

Higuchi: SLAG FUCKJNG DIE

Sigma: WHORE

Dazai: LET ME EXPLAIN LET ME EXPLAIN

Chuuya: better be good or someones sleeping on the cold wet pavement outside a penthouse

Higuchi: omg rich mafia daddy

Chuuya: not right now baby

Yosano: LMAOOO WTF

Dazai: okay gonna pretend that never happened also it was when u broke up w me for like a week bc i fake dated that girl for a mission and didnt tell u

Chuuya: oh we move on fast don't we

Dazai: BABY I DIDNY THINK UD WANNA GET BACK WITHME THE NEXT WEEK

Dazai: I LOVE YOU DARLING YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER EVER IN A BILLION YEARS LEAVE U

Dazai: AGAIN

Yosano: U were doing good until u added that

Chuuya: nah if he didn't mention it i would have he thinks at least a little somtimes

Dazai: yayy

Chuuya: SOMETIMES

Replying to:

Dazai: I LOVE YOU DARLING YOU KNOW I WOULD NEVER EVER IN A BILLION YEARS LEAVE U

Bram: So you would in a billion and one

Dazai: yeah i think ill still be up and running by then

Bram: I will

Aya: we know bram

Bram: I have a fate worse than death. Everybody I love is going to leave me

Aya: we know bra

Aya: bram shit srry

Fyodor: Bra

Dazai: BUT CHUUYA I LOVE YOU SO MUCH EVERYTHUNG ABT U FROM UR GORGEOUS GORGEOUS MISMATCHED EYES THAT I WANNA GET LOST IN FUCK THEYRE SO PRETTY AND UR ADORABLE FRECKLES UGHHH I WANNA KISS EVERY LAST ONE ON UR BODY

Dazai: HELP IM SO GAY 

Chuuya: dickhead come upstairs and say it to my face

Dazai: DONT HAVE TO TELL ME TWICE

Nikolai: theyre gonna have sex now

Mushitaro: Lovely. But was that necessary to say tho

Nikolai: i just felt like everyone had to know

Ango: Finally he's fucking gone

Osamu Dazai sent a video [im pretty sure u can figure out what it is through context clues]

Ango: OH COME ON

Teruko: THAT RECOIL THO

Lucy: OBJECTIFYING IS OK WHEN ITS WITH ANGO GODDAMN LOOK AT THAT THANG

Atsushi: DAMNN THIS MF IS LEAVING NO ROOM FOR JESUS

Nikolai: save video + screenshot at 0:57 = the perfect profile picture

Ranpo: GODDAMN POE R U SEEING THIS??

Poe: I sure am...

Fyodor: Ango's yassification

Ango: This is a fucking nightmare

Ango: No actually though

Ranpo: this is my dream coming to life

Tecchou: this feels like cheating just watching it

Jouno: Wish I could see it

Tecchou: wait now hold on a second

Jouno: Teehee

Mushitaro: AHA NICE 👍

Ango: Hope u don't see me in a new light now

Mushitaro: I mean I see u in a twinkier light now

Lucy: and i have always seen u in that light!

Ango: I swear next time I see Dazai... Imma do something I outta regret

Nikolai: ok apple jack

Ango: Fym apple jack

Fyodor: I think we all read that last bit in a country accent in our heads

Ranpo: i mean obvi who didnt lefs bfr

Ango: Ok u can call me whatever my little pony character u want

Aya: grilled cheese

Kyouka: Who the fuck is grilled cheese

Aya: PINKIE PIE'S FRIEND

Kyouka: BITCH THAT'S CHEESE SANDWICH ☠️

Aya: OH 😭😭😭

Ranpo: fuckin hell even i knew that

Ango: Yeah as I was saying before this four year old interrupted me

Aya: fuck you

Kenji: :oo naughty word!!

Fyodor: Fuck dick pussy cunt bitch shit bastard dickhead prick ass whore slut motherfucker jackass slag cock skank

Kenji: Woahhh there buckaroo!

Tecchou: i love kenji sm wth

Kenji: :D ILY2

Tecchou: <33

Kyouka: Dostoevsky do u get any enjoyment out of this

Fyodor: Naturally

Nikolai: not anymore naturally than how moris dick goes boioioioing whenever hes in a playground

Mori: can it.

Lucy: guys can we let mr ice spice speak??

Tecchou: AYYY MR ICE SPICE

Atsushi: SHE SHAKE IT LIKE JELLY 😝

Yosano: GRAHHH

Sigma: GRABBIN ANGO'S DUH DUH DUH

Nikolai: FACTS

Teruko: ANGO BUSTIN IT DOWN ON THAT COUNTER TOP!! SHAKING THAT ASS SO HARD I HEARD A THREAD POP

Gin: YO THAT ACC SOUNDS LIKE ITS FROM ONE OF HER SONGS

Teruko: 🔥🔥🔥

Ango: Oh my fucking God

Lucy: NONONO AS U WERE SAYING FIRE SALT

Nikolai: new mlp character unlocked

Aya: BWAHAHA FIRE SALT

Gin: neigh ❌️ grahh ✅️

Sigma: LAMOOO

Ango: Well I was going to say how happy I was now that Dazai isn't here so I won't be ridiculed but never mind then!

Ranpo: oh shi u thought daz was bad?

Ranpo: heh just wait till u see who i add

Higuchi: pls not who i'm thinking of

Sigma: i have no clue on who it could be i'm excited

Akutagawa: I'm dreading... I think I know who

Atsushi: Who?

Akutagawa: We'll see

Ranpo Edogawa added Kyuusaku Yumeno

Q: i was playing roblox with hirotsu then i get this fucking notification where am i and what do u want

Akutagawa: We want you to leave now actually. Goodbye!

Q: i get added then told to leave?

Akutagawa: Goodbye!

Q: right...

Atsushi: Oh brother not this guy and his fucked up hair

Q: BITCH PLEASE LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK

Atsushi: Yeah I kinda set myself up for doom there...

Kyouka: i'll fucking cut your throat if you don't apologise to him 

Q: make me bitch

Kyouka: twat

Q: slag

Kyouka: fuck ass

Q: whore

Kyouka: dickhead

Q: rat face

Kyouka: yeah and rat is your race

Fyodor: Son?

Q: dad?

Nikolai: dyu two know each other

Q: nah

Fyodor: Yes

Fyodor: Oh, ok never mind then. I guess that brief interaction we had meant nothing

Lucy: yeahh youd think ud be remembered by ur stench

Fyodor: OI

Sigma: sucks to suck

Fyodor: Yeah sucks to suck and I'll suck you

Sigma: the fuck man

Gin: wait q u said u were playing w hirotsu?

Q: yah

Gin: that's fucking priceless

Higuchi: that's precious

Hirotsu: IT WAS BOSS' ORDERS

Akutagawa: Cute cover up no one buys it

Hirotsu: NO LOOK SEE @ElisesSweetVelvetPanties

Hirotsu: Oh I didn't realise he made that his username umm!

Q: no. i dont want to be in the same gc as him GET ME OUT

Ranpo: Fucking... Christ

Poe: This just turned me religious

Lucy: at least nathaniel would be proud

Lucy: of poe not mori the nonce

Tecchou: and i thought my username was bad

Jouno: @Xxjounos_no1_nipple_suckerxX is bad just not as bad as what I'm looking at right now

Naomi: ur lookin at ur eyelids rn babe

Jouno: I hate u all

Fukuzawa: I wasn't going to involve myself in this groups antics anymore tonight until I saw that fucking username

Sigma: now i knew it was going to be bad but nothing could've prepared me for this

Akutagawa: I can't say anything he signs my checks every week

Yosano: Doesn't sign my checks so I can proudly say that's fucking horrendous

Mori: you guys got a problem with my @?

Ango: Oh yes more than one

Mori: oh alr i'm open to criticism

Yosano: This isn't criticism this is pure hatred

Bram: And disgust

Aya: and fear

Fyodor: And attraction

Mori: what

Ranpo: WHAT

Nikolai: FEDYA NO

Fyodor: I didn't read the context did I say something illegal again

Atsushi: Again is crazyy

Nikolai: normal for him tho.

Atsushi: That's real

Fyodor: Oh fuck no I meant attraction to suicide

Lucy: is pedophillia where u draw the line

Fyodor: Yes! I'm a villain not a monster

Aya: oh alr then checks out

Chuuya: we're back guys

Dazai: I sensed suicide and came as fast as I could!

Mori: did u have a nice banging sess dazai?

Chuuya: EWW SIR

Dazai: DO NOT TALK LIKE WERE EVEN CLOSE TO FRIENDS

Fukuzawa: Don't ever talk to one of my children like that again

Fukuzawa: I mean employees

Kunikida: No you were right the first time

Yosano: You LOVEEEEE US

Ranpo: love love LOVE us

Kyouka: Buy us gifts on our birthdays and everything

Fukuzawa: Yeah, I do in fact love you all

Haruno: LOVE U TOO PRES

Dazai: LOVE YOU XX

Kenji: WE LOVE YOU SO MUCH PRESIDENT 💛💛

Sigma: WE LOVE U SIRR

Ranpo: LOVE U TOO 🩷🩷🩷

Yosano: LOVE YOUUUU SIR

Naomi: LOVE U FUFU BEST BOSS EVER

Kunikida: We love u too sir

Kyouka: We love u sooooo much ❤️

Fukuzawa: Absolute sweethearts all of you

Fukuchi: YEAH AND I LOVE ALL MY CHILDREN TOO

Jouno: Oh I just know you ain't talking bout us

Tecchou: i'd rather be an orphan

Teruko: i used to be sexually attracted to you still kinda am so this leaves a bitter taste in my mouth

Fukuchi: Oh thanks guys! Ur all such... sweeties

Q: gotta love that CONTRAST

Mori: i'm also quite fond of my children

Elise: dont be

Kouyou: I wake up open my phone and this is the shit I see?

Chuuya: don't say fond

Higuchi: uh w wee love u too sir? aha

Kajii: bitch who is we

Hirotsu: Well I wouldn't say fond per say...

Akutagawa: My lawyer advised me to stay quiet

Q: you scare me

Gin: sir i love you

Mori: awww thank u gin

Gin: can i have that raise now

Mori: absolutely not

Gin: fuck you

Mori: GIN!

Dazai: aha ur employees hate you

Fukuchi: Welcome to the team, brotha

Mori: um

Chuuya: wait i just realised what teruko said

Ranpo: ayo

Jouno: Ik it's... questionable to say the least

Teruko: wait what did i say

Tecchou: that u want thick old man cock

Teruko: ohh yeah well ya cant blame me for wanting a hot dilf daddy i like em older

Fukuchi: I am incredibly uncomfortable right now

Fukuzawa: Now you know how I feel everytime you text me

Fukuchi: I thought I was swooning u in all realness

Fukuzawa: You were swooning me to my death

Fukuchi: Is that a good thing? :D

Fukuzawa: I'll let you decide on that one

Replying to

Teruko: ohh yeah well ya cant blame me for wanting a hot dilf daddy i like em older

Fyodor: THINK I NEED SOMEONE OLDER

Teruko: JUST A LITTLE BIT COLDER

Nikolai: TAKE THE WEIGHT OFF MY SHOULDERS

Atsushi: STOP FUCKING BREAKING OUT INTO SONG

Fyodor: THINK I NEED SOMEONE OLDER

Fyodor: YOU JUST RUINED THE FUCKING AESTHETIC BITCH

Atsushi: GOOD

Q: guys i was scrolling up for fun then i get fucking jumpscared by ango's level 1000 skibidi gyatt filling up my screen

Jouno: Never say those string of words again

Q: skibidi gyatt

Jouno: Ur a great contraception ad you know that right?

Q: and ur a great ad for the suicide hotline

Jouno: That doesn't even make any sense fucktard

Q: neither does ur pigly stench old man

Jouno: Kill yourself for me, yeah?

Mushitaro: U do realise ur beefing w a little boy rn

Jouno: Why is the onceler talking to me like hes the shit

Nikolai: BITCH? YOU NOT EVEN THE FART

Fyodor: GRAHH

Mushitaro: Fire salt>>>> ice spice

Lucy: realest thing uve said imo

Replying to:

Q: guys i was scrolling up for fun then i get fucking jumpscared by ango's level 1000 skibidi gyatt filling up my screen

Ango: I feel like how markiplier felt when that kid started nuzzling his face in his man boobs

Ranpo: i told ya youd get violated!

Dazai: except markiplier isnt a twinky beta who can arch his back like a damn contortionist

Ango: Piss the FUCK off Dazai. With your anti deodorant ass

Dazai: dont need deodorant i naturally smell good

Kunikida: Yeah that's not how that works

Dazai: jealous jealous jealous girlll

Kunikida: But I'm a man?

Dazai: good grief

Nikolai: ok jotaro

Replying to:

Dazai: except markiplier isnt a twinky beta who can arch his back like a damn contortionist

Chuuya: ONG TERUKO LOOK AT THE LAST WORD

Teruko: :0

Chuuya: BONES ARE CRUSHING (PUSHING ME) 

Teruko: BODIES TOUCHING (LOVING ME)

Chuuya: BLOOD IS PUMPING (PULLING ME)

Teruko: FEELING NOTHING (FUCKING ME)

Chuuya: BONES ARE CRUSHING (CRUSHING ME)

Teruko: BODIES TOUCHING (TOUCHING ME)

Chuuya: OOWAH

Teruko: OOOOH I LOVE HER LITTLE MOAN AT THE END

Chuuya: IKR IT'S SO CUTE!!

Nikolai: uhh what are we talking abt here guys

Teruko: a melanie song pervert

Nikolai: aww man thought it was porn

Nikolai: got all giddy for nothing :/

Mushitaro: Nah but do u acc watch porn tho

Nikolai: sometimes me and fedya watch it to laugh at or we play this came called who can get hard first? the winner gets to top

Nikolai: if u guys want any fun date night ideas just come to me

Mushitaro: I wish you just lied to me and said no

Dazai: im envious of jounos lack of sight

Kunikida: I'll come to you so I can do the exact opposite of what u say

Nikolai: oh poo

Tachihara: yall smth happened kmfg

Kouyou: Did u get fucking rejected

Chuuya: GIRK WHAT

Atsushi: WHAT WHAT WHATT

Tachihara: well

Chapter Text

Fyodor Dostoevsky & Nikolai Gogol's chat

13:07

Nikolai: hello my little butternut squash

Fyodor: Hello my twinkly dinkly

Nikolai: my skroonkily doonkily

Fyodor: My little hate crime

Nikolai: my darling falafel

Fyodor: My dear shawarma

Nikolai: where u at my boingily doingily

Fyodor: An elderly lady's humble abode

Nikolai: why...

Fyodor: Well I was taking a stroll and then I found a lost kitten with a collar on so I checked the tag and it had an address so I returned her

Fyodor: She is called pickle by the way

Fyodor: And the lady started crying and she hugged me and kissed me on the hand and invited me in and I just could not decline so I helped her prepare tea and she gave me a fuzzy blanket and the kitten is now sleeping on my lap and she was showing me and old photo album and she looked drop dead gorgeous omg. Now she's off to the bathroom and before she went she was telling me about all her lesbian relationships before she turned aromantic. God I love her so much bless her heart

Fyodor Dostoevsky sent an image [a selfie of him showing the kitten on his lap]

Fyodor: She even made me forget I was homicidal for a second

Nikolai: AWWW I WANNA MEET HER WHAT INVITE MEEE

Fyodor: Are you willing to come to Nagoya?

Nikolai: WHY ARE YOU ON THE OTHER SIDE OF JAPAN

Fyodor: I hopped in a taxi and pointed a gun to his head and said drive me somewhere fun so here I am

Nikolai: when did u even leave 😭

Fyodor: In the middle of the night

Nikolai: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Fyodor: Yes

Nikolai: noo i were singing 😭😭

Fyodor: OHH.

Fyodor: JUST CALL MY NAME

Nikolai: IM YOURS TO TAME

Fyodor: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Nikolai: IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

Fyodor: I'M WIDE AWAKE

Nikolai: I CRAVE YOUR TASTE

Fyodor: Anyways, Dazai's really gay isn't he?

Nikolai: yeahh but like in an antisemitic way innit

Fyodor: Yeah yeah I get you like also in a pro life sort of manner

Nikolai: yeah yeah i completely understand u

Fyodor: Yeahh

Nikolai: anyways when u coming home :3

Fyodor: When this old lady dies apparently I'd feel awful leaving after she told me her cat is her only friend.

Nikolai: just take her home w u our house is big enough for a roomie!

Fyodor: I would love to but what if she walks in on us fucking or murdering someone? The lovely thing would have a heart attack

Nikolai: that is true also wed have to explain to guests why theres an old woman just chillin in our living room

Fyodor: Exactly they'd think we had kidnapped her

Nikolai: god forbid I kidnap an aromantic grandma who lives w her kitten

Fyodor: She called me handsome 🤭🤭

Nikolai: i call u that every day 🙄

Fyodor: It means more if it is from an old woman

Nikolai: taht is so true

Nikolai: whats the ladys name?

Fyodor: Avery she's from Romania

Nikolai: omd cuteee

Fyodor: She is so cute I have an idea when she comes back. I will ask her for her number and we will call every now and again and it will be tradition to get our hair done every Friday

Nikolai: with me?

Fyodor: No she's my old lady get your own

Nikolai: wowww i see how it is

Fyodor: I'm glad

Nikolai: all the good old ladies are in shinjuku anyways

Fyodor: Who told you that?

Nikolai: THE VOICES

Fyodor: Lol OK

Fyodor: When I get back what should we do?

Nikolai: ever after high marathon

Fyodor: Of course but oh Raven is insufferable

Nikolai: i hate her bitch ass so much man

Nikolai: whos ur fave again?

Fyodor: Apple white

Nikolai: basic

Fyodor: i love her we both have this sickly white skin colour and are tired of Raven's bony ass

Nikolai: i honestly cant argue w that

Fyodor: Who's yours?

Nikolai: probably maddie hatter and THAT BIG BAD WOLF DADDY HELLOOOO

Fyodor: Cerise's dad?

Nikolai: TOGETHER WE DO WHATEVER IT TAKES WERE IN THIS PACK FOR LIFE

Nikolai: AWOOOOO

Fyodor: That is such a valid response but YOU KNOW WHAT I AM MOST MAD AT

Nikolai: THE FACT THAT DARLING CHARMING DIDNT GET WITH APPLE WHITE

Fyodor: SHE LITERALLY IS HER ONE TRUE LOVE APPLE WOKE UP FROM DARLING'S KISS NOT DARING'S OR NO ONE UGH

Nikolai: I KNOWWWWW UGHHH SAPPHIC PRINCESSES DESERVE HAPPINESS

Fyodor: SO TRUEEE BUT I WAS ON ABOUT THE FACT THAT CUPID DIDN'T GET WITH DEXTER

Nikolai: OH DONT START

Fyodor: SHE HAD SO MUCH MORE CHEMISTRY WITH HIM THAN THAT BLAND ASS PICK ME BITCH RAVEN

Nikolai: LITERALLY MAN FUCK RAVEN AND HER WATTPAD ASS

Fyodor: FUCK HER

Fyodor: BUT OMG MY LOST GENERATION BESTIE IS BACK

Fyodor Dostoevsky sent a voice message ["HEY BITCH."]

Nikolai: thats so real

Fyodor:  LOL I'LL TEXT YOU LATER SWEETHEART

Nikolai: BYEEEE BOOO I LOVE YOUU

Fyodor: I LOVE YOU TOO

Saigiku Jouno & Tecchou Suehiro's chat

12:29

Tecchou: baby

Tecchou: saigikuu

Tecchou: saigikuuuuu

Jouno: Don't call me Saigiku like we're friends

Tecchou: we are literally engaged

Jouno: No. I don't marry fat asses who are too lazy to go to work because they're 'too comfortable'

Tecchou: honestly im still in bed

Tecchou Suehiro sent an image [cheeky selfie w his hair all messy, looking half asleep, shirtless too HDISBDKAKS]

Tecchou: shit i forgot ur blind

Jouno: Thanks babe

Tecchou: anytime i have the memory of a

Tecchou: uhhh

Jouno: Bastard

Tecchou: well i was thinking like a gold fish but ok

Jouno: Well Teruko gave an unnecessarily detailed description

Jouno: Ur lucky ur hot so I'm not that mad

Tecchou: YAYY

Jouno: I'm kidding I am so mad at you. Boss gave me all your shit to do. Die

Tecchou: just don't... do it

Jouno: I'm productive unlike some of us here 

Tecchou: listen i'll make up for it tonight

Jouno: Go on

Tecchou: romantic date. candle lit dinner accentuated with roses and hearts

Tecchou: and ur ass getting pounded

Jouno: You ruined it

Tecchou: i got morning wood

Jouno: Fukuchi and Teruko are at both my sides reading with mouths agape

Tecchou: HI GUYSSS ONG I WAS LIKE JOKING GUYS

Jouno: Nah I'm joking it's just me

Tecchou: thank goodness

Saigiku Jouno sent an image [selfie of him teruko and fukuchi lookin like cuties]

Tecchou: NOO GET A PRIVACY SCREEN PROTECTOR I BEG

Jouno: I'm joking I took that ages ago

Tecchou: i don't even know what to believe anymore

Jouno: Maybe come into work next time

Tecchou: NAH NEXT TIME I'LL COME INTO

Tecchou: ... never mind

Jouno: Wise

Jouno: I also do miss you and what not

Tecchou: AWW BABY THAT'S IT NEXT TIME I DEFFO WILL COME

Jouno: I don't know why I thought you would say you're on your way right now

Tecchou: H-H-HELL NAWH 🗣🗣

Tecchou: i am wayyy too snug as a bug in a cheeky little rug for that rn

Jouno: Ok that's fine it just would've made me really happy... But ok I guess your comfort comes first

Tecchou: UGHHH UR ABILITY SHOULD BE EMOTIONALLY MANIPULATING ME YK THAT

Tecchou: FINEEE I'LL BE THERE

Jouno: I love you <33

Tecchou: I LOVE U TOO DARLING

Jouno: Ok hurry up I just really want you to do your work

Tecchou: WOWWWW

Jouno: Loll

Tecchou: :((

Jouno: Also Tecchou

Tecchou: yes baby?

Jouno: That date night sounds perfect

Tecchou: EVEN THE LAST PART??

Jouno: Especially the last part

Tecchou Suehiro sent a voice message ["YESSSSSS." 🦅🦅🦅🦅]

Jouno: What the fuck was that

Tecchou: sounds of glee and pure jubilation

Jouno: Never do it again

Tecchou: yes ma'am

Jouno: Come in before I kill you

Tecchou: OKOKKK OMW RN

Tecchou: CYAAA HONEY

Jouno: See you love!

Tecchou: hehe no u wont

Jouno: I hate you and your perverted ass

Tecchou: LOLL <33

Chuuya Nakahara & Osamu Dazai's chat

10:18

Dazai: hows my little fruit basket doing

Chuuya: have u run out of pet names or what.

Dazai: ran out not run out chuuya

Chuuya: i'll run out and buy a gun to kill you with in a minute freak

Dazai: yep yep totally cool totally chill

Dazai: but whats wrong with fruit basket?

Chuuya: first of all what's wrong with you?

Dazai: adhd

Chuuya: you don't have adhd

Dazai: I HONESTLY DO THAT WOMAN DOESNT KNOW WHAT SHES ON ABOUT

Chuuya: yeah why would the professional mental practitioner who has been doing her job for over a decade know anything

Dazai: shes honestly too old too handle my insanity

Dazai: i feel like im a new type of mental illness they havnt discovered yet

Chuuya: it's called being gay

Dazai: 😭😭

Replying to:

Dazai: shes honestly too old too handle my insanity

Chuuya: also she is literally younger than fukuzawa

Dazai: youre younger than fukuzawa

Chuuya: uh yeah?

Dazai: im so bored

Chuuya: dude i dont know what u want me to do abt that

Dazai: TALK TO ME LIKE IM UR HUSBAND NOT UR BRO

Dazai: LIKE IM SPECIAL FFS

Chuuya: i don't talk to my friends like this i flirt and call them bb all the time so the way i talk to u is special <3

Dazai: i dont even know what to say

Chuuya: good do ur work daz

Dazai: BUT CHUUYA

Chuuya: what

Dazai: i miss u

Chuuya: lol ok

Dazai: WOWW

Chuuya: I MISS U TOO BUT AT LEAST I'M DOING MY JOB

Chuuya Nakahara sent an image [him smiling with bodies in the bg]

Dazai: ur so beautiful it distracted me from the corpses behind u

Chuuya: they're not dead they're just half alive

Chuuya: almost dead tho

Chuuya: killings a bit too far

Dazai: r u gonna get them any help then

Chuuya: hmmm nah

Dazai: yep great job at keeping em alive chuu

Chuuya: ikr im so nice for not offing em

Dazai: absolute sweetheart for not putting them out of their misery

Chuuya: i'm kind of bored too it's just me here

Dazai: COME OVER TO THE AGENCY BBG

Chuuya: i can literally see it from where i am

Dazai: HELP REALLY

Chuuya: YEAHH MAN BUILDINGS MASSIVE AND IM LIKE 5 MINS AWAY FROM IT

Dazai: WAIT IMMA GO ON THE ROOF TELL ME IF U SEE ME

Chuuya: OK

Dazai: IM WAVING AND HUMPING ABOUT

Dazai: JUMPING**

Chuuya: i wouldn't be surprised if u were humping about too

Chuuya: HELP I CAN SEE UR DUMBASS

Chuuya: I'M ON THE OTHER SIDE RETARD

Dazai: OHH I WAS WONDERING WHY I COULDN'T SEE U

Dazai: OMG I CAN JUST SEE A SPECK OF ORANGE

Chuuya: AND I SEE A SPECK OF ASS

Chuuya: can u see the middle finger i'm giving u

Dazai: WOW I GAVE U A HEART

Chuuya: and i gave u a fart

Dazai: man i wish

Chuuya: ew

Dazai: COME OVER THENNNN

Chuuya: I CANNOT BE ASKED

Dazai: BRRO ALL U GOTTA DO IS FLY OVER

Dazai: U GOT GRAVIRY POWERS RMBR?

Chuuya: IKK BUT I CAN'T I GOT MORE STUFF TO DO I'M JUST WAITING FOR THE COMMAND UNIT AND BLACK LIZARD TO COME WE GOT SOME IMPORTANT SHIT

Dazai: more important than me? 🥺🥺

Chuuya: you'll live

Dazai: NO I MIGHT KILL MYSELF IF I DONT SEE YOU

Chuuya: and this is meant to make me want to come over?

Dazai: ugh wtv i got atsushi anyways hes baby girl

Chuuya: true that

Osamu Dazai sent an image [atsushi bent over to pick smth up off the floor flexing that nice ass of his]

Chuuya: why

Dazai: i like taking pictures of ppls bum bums

Dazai: like i take pictures of urs all the time

Chuuya: UR SO WEIRD

Dazai: sometimes i just open my phone and look at em

Chuuya: get help

Dazai: u r my therapy!

Chuuya: i don't want to be xx

Dazai: wait wtf am i doing here waiting like a damsel when i could come to u!!

Chuuya: BYEEE

Dazai: ur lucky president gave me a mission to do w kyouka or else i wouldve pounced from this very roof at u like a fucking sugar glider

Chuuya: that's bone chilling

Dazai: you mean romantic

Chuuya: not at all!

Chuuya: WELL I GOTTA GO NOW BABE MY OTHER BABES R HERE

Chuuya Nakahara sent an image [selfie w aku gin hirotsu tachi and higuchi!! hirotsu and aku clearly dont wanna be in it tho lol]

Dazai: SAME BABY MY OTHER BABY IS HERE TOO

Osamu Dazai sent an image [swlfie of him and kyouka!!]

Chuuya: OKK I LOVE U NYEE

Dazai: I LOVE YOU TOO BYESIE BYEEE

Akiko Yosano & Ozaki Kouyou's chat

14:30

Yosano: Omg darling

Kouyou: Yes darling??

Yosano: Wow u respond fast

Kouyou: I'm so bored all I have is paper work to do it's draining

Yosano: I had a patient ask me out today

Kouyou: REALLY WHAT DID U SAY

Yosano: I just flashed him my ring and he piped down

Yosano: I felt like such a baddie 😝

Kouyou: My smile dropped after I read I just flashed him then came back after finishing it

Yosano: HELP IMAGINE

Replying to:

Yosano: I just flashed him my ring and he piped down

Kouyou: Ewww it was a man??

Yosano: Yeah like an old geezer too he was like 50

Kouyou: Did he ask u out right off the bat or like flirt?

Yosano: So he was flirting for a bit but I dismissed all his advances then he was like you are the most gorgeous woman I have ever seen in my entire life please go out with me 

Kouyou: He is honestly so real for that

Yosano: He didn't seem creepy tho even though he looks similarly close to Mori

Kouyou: Oh that is unfortunate

Yosano: Like dead ass I thought Mori just strolled in for a second

Kouyou: What would u do if it acc was Mori

Yosano: Uppercut to the jaw.

Kouyou: Then you'd have Mori touch

Yosano: EWWW

Kouyou: Yeah the only reason I kiss you when I come back from work is so I can get rid of the Mori touch 

Yosano: GASP

Yosano: Is that the only reason?

Kouyou: NO BECAUSE I WANNA EAT U NOM NOM

Yosano: I I LOVE YOU TOO??

Kouyou: Omg I am going to kill myself I just realised I come home at MIDNIGHT today

Yosano: WHAT NO WHY

Kouyou: Because Mori is homophobic and doesn't want me spending my evening with my lovely wife

Yosano: I think he's jealous he doesn't have someone to come home to

Kouyou: No I think he's perfectly happy with Elise like I would save the girl but it's his stand so 😭

Yosano: HIS WHAT?

Kouyou: HELP ABILITY SORRY JOJO HAS TAKEN OVER MY MIND WITHOUT MY CONSENT

Yosano: NO DW UR SO REAL WHO'S UR FAV JOBRO AGAIN?

[SPOILER(S) FOR JOJO'S BIZARRE ADVENTURE]

Kouyou: For sure Kakyoin and Caesar

Kouyou: PART 4 WOULD HAVE SLAYED SO HARD IF THEY WERE THERE OMGG

Yosano: LITERALLY AND CAESAR IN PART 3 OMGG

Kouyou: Araki had to kill em off because if he didn't then Joseph would've ended up with Caesar and Jotaro with Kakyoin and then Holly Josuke Jolyne and even Jotaro would have never been born

Yosano: They're so gay they would have to literally kill their one true love to keep the bloodline going

[SPOILER(S) OVER]

Kouyou: Ain't no more Jostars coming after Jolyne tho she's gay as shit

Yosano: It's all riding on Giorno even tho there is no way he can be straight

Kouyou: Oh for sure have you seen his gay ass dad? Dio man with his back fully arched in his jojo pose

Yosano: Zesty fella

Kouyou: Fr thank goodness for the alternate universes even tho Johnny and Gyro r useless

Yosano: God Jojo is the gayest and saddest anime ever

Kouyou: THANK GOD FOR FAN FICTION AM I RIGHT?

Yosano: Thank God

Yosano: I'll stay up for u tho I ain't sleeping till u come over tf 

Kouyou: Ur the cutest yk that right

Yosano: No YouTube 

Yosano: Youuu**

Yosano: I am going to turn off autocorrect in a second omfg

Kouyou: No ur right YouTube is the cutest

Yosano: So real omd

Kouyou: I gotta go now princess I have more illegal matters to attend to

Yosano: Yeah I should probably tend to my patient now they've just been lying here, stomach open

Kouyou: WHAT THE HELL GIRL OPERATE ON THEM

Akiko Yosano sent an image [selfie of her wearing a face mask and holding a scalpel w blood on it 🤒]

Yosano: YES I'M ON IT NOW BYEEE OZAKI ILYSM BABY 🩷🩷🩷

Kouyou: BYE AKIKO I LOVE YOU TOO SWEETIE 💜💜💜

Gin Akutagawa & Ichiyo Higuchi's chat

10:26

Higuchi: omg babe

Gin: why are u texting me when i'm litch sat across from u

Ichiyo Higuchi sent an image [a pic of gin looking at her from across the limousine with a raised eyebrow and tachihara sleeping on her shoulder because hes a wittle sleepy boy 🥺]

Higuchi: WHO'S THAT SEXY THING I SEE OVER THERE

Gin: its too early for this shit

Higuchi: THAT'S GIN SITTING IN THE LIMO

Gin: i need to be high i think to be able to do this job

Higuchi: anyways why is michizou asleep on ur shoulder usually you'd have pushed him to the ground by now

Gin: i was debating it but im so lazy 

Higuchi: that is honestly so real wanna see this 0.5 i took of hirotsu?

Gin: if i ever say no to that i want u to use that gun of yours on me

Higuchi: okkk hang on

Gin Akutagawa sent an image [so higuchi is sat next to hirotsu and obv she doesnt want him to see the pic so shes now laying on her back legs crossed and her feet facing hirotsus direction and hes just kinda looking at her weird]

Gin: his eyes were literally closed not even paying any mind to you u did not have tp do allat 😭

Higuchi: i'm not taking any chances! last time he saw a muggie i took of him he confiscated my nintendo switch for a week 😭😭

Gin: whyd u have it with you in the first place

Higuchi: for funsies

Gin: well of course

Higuchi: NO BECAUSE IT WAS PIETRO'S BIRTHDAY IN ANIMAL CROSSING AND I MISSED IT

Gin: you can time travel in that game

Higuchi: and u tell me this now?

Gin: DID U SERIOUSLY NOT KNOW

Higuchi: NO ONE TOLD ME HOW WAS I MENNA FIGURE THAT ONE OUT

Gin: good grief

Higuchi: anyways here u gooo

Ichiyo Higuchi sent an image [a delicious fish eye of hirotsu asleep giving the world a void of that big ass forehead]

Gin: OMG I LOVE MY NEW LOCKSCREEN SMMM

Higuchi: if he asks u took the photo got it?

Gin: man i WISH i took a photo that rivals the mona lisa

Higuchi: what r u talking abt u did

Gin: i did ur right

Higuchi: anyways when we come home we are watching tawog bc it is a CRIME you haven't yet

Gin: were watching what?

Higuchi: the amazing word of gumball

Gin: ah

Gin: but u said youd watch good girls with meeee

Higuchi: gumball comes first idc

Gin: ok ive seen a few clips like the "where u headed? to the brony convention in licheysiain" part is funny

Higuchi: the brony convention in WHERE

Gin: lietcstain

Gin: leitchistaon

Gin: ljchestain

Higuchi: babe just just stop it's Liechtenstein

Gin: stop laughing at me u only knew it bc autocorrect corrwcted u

Higuchi: i'm not laughinggg

Gin: u r sat 1 foot away from me

Higuchi: hehe i feel so cheeky texting u rn like omg so scandalous!

Gin: not really when ur just saying whatever comes to mind u do this in front of people as well

Higuchi: remember when i used to be sexually attracted to ur brother

Gin: what the fuck is wrong with you

Higuchi: now im attracted to u like omggg i have a type

Gin: if u say emo

Higuchi: well i was gonna say black hair but now that u mention it

Gin: for my job im emo anywhere else im coquette lana del rey vinyl vintage heart shaped sunglasses cherry cola coded

Higuchi: and i'm just

Higuchi: really gay for women

Gin: honestly same women r so hot like how can girls be straight and fellas be gay when women exist

Higuchi: especially when u exist wtf!??

Gin: NO UU UR THE HOTTEST WOMEN EVER

Higuchi: BRO U WERE MY GAY AWAKENING DON'T PLAY WITH ME RN

Gin: WAS I REALLY???

Higuchi: YEAH MAN WHEN WE WERE AT THAT HOT SPRING TOGETHER AND I SAW UR TATAS

Gin: HELP U SOUND LIKE MICHIZOU

Gin: YOU DONT HAVE TO MAKE GAGGING SOUNDS

Higuchi: it felt needed

Gin: omg were here thoo taht were quick

Higuchi: HELP WHYD U JUST PUSH HIM TO THE GROUND WITH NO WARNING

Gin: bc hes a whore

Higuchi: fair enough

Higuchi: CYAAA GIN

Gin: fym cya im right next to u were doing a mission together

Higuchi: I'LL TTYL GORGEOUS I LOVE YOU

Gin: yk what ill just play along fuck it

Gin: SEE YA ICHIYO I LOVE U SO MUCH TOO BABEEE

Lucy Maud Montgomery & Osamu Dazai's chat

17:55

Lucy: DAZAI

Dazai: LUCY

Lucy: ATSUSHI JUST TOLD ME HES DATING AKUTAGAWA OMG OMFGG

Dazai: IKR IT IS MADDENING

Lucy: I THOUGHT HE LIKED ME THIS WHOLE TIME I GOT HUMBLED SO FAST

Dazai: HELPP WHAT U JELLY OF RYUU??

Lucy: NAH MAN I DON'T WANT ATSU HAVING A CRUSH ON ME HE'S LIKE A TWINKY LITTLE BROTHER TO ME

Dazai: the first word that comes to mind when u think little brother should NOT be twinky

Lucy: well atsushi's a bit special isn't he

Dazai: in his own way!

Lucy: i'm happy for em tho 

Dazai: same man i felt like a proud father in that moment

Lucy: I'M STILL SINGLE AS SHIT THO I AM SICK OF IT

Dazai: WHAT A VIRGIN LOSER COULD NOT RELATE

Lucy: SHUT THE FUCK UP I DID NOT TELL U THIS TO GET SHAMED

Dazai: LOLL but dyu have ur eyes on anyone??

Lucy: i can't decide if i want to peg louisa may alcott or have mark twain fuck me

Dazai: that is so real honestly but i have a simple solution to that

Lucy: go on

Dazai: POLYAMORY U R FROM THE LAND OF THE FREE AFTER ALL 🇺🇲🇺🇲🇺🇲🦅🦅🦅💯💯💯💯🔥🔥🔥🗣🗣🗣🗣

Lucy: i'm from new london canada

Dazai: oh well how about mark and lousia

Lucy: mark is from florida and louisa philadelphia pennsylvania

Dazai: YIKES FLORIDA??

Lucy: yeah...

Dazai: do u really wanna have floradian babies?

Lucy: floradian 😭😭 bro ur making em sound like aliens