Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Once you’re touring the world for long enough, days start to blend together. Sana is just barely aware where exactly she is at the moment and she has stopped trying to work out how long it’s been since they officially started this world tour with their first concert.

She’s in Asia, then she’s in America, next thing she knows she’s in Europe but none of it feels real. It’s as if the girl is watching a movie that she pays little to no attention to instead of living her life and seeing things out of her own eyes. The tour started off fine even if a little stressful because it always is but slowly Sana started to lose herself.

It’s a monotone routine: arriving at the airport, being flashed by hundreds of cameras and screams, arriving at a hotel that somehow always looks the same no matter what county they’re in, driving to the venue and rehearsing the same old songs, then performing them again once the concert officially starts. After that she doesn’t really remember how it happens, the exhaustion being too much for her, but the next thing she knows she crashes in the hotel bed and after what feels like seconds they’re taking another flight to the next tour stop.

Being an idol was being a pretty doll rather than being an actual human being, Sana has known this for as long as she has been in JYP, and yet she feels it a little more whenever they’re on tour. They’re not actual people to all these fans who try to get into their personal space at the airports, they’re not actual people to the obsessive fans that follow them around whenever they do have enough time to explore the city they’re currently in, and they sure as hell aren’t actual people to the many faceless people on social media who always wait for them to mess up, who try to find even a couple seconds where they’re not giving their all while performing.

Touring makes the already hectic life of an idol even more hectic and at times it gets too much to the point where Sana feels like she can’t hold on any longer. The beautiful, charming and stunning mask she has crafted carefully for years — the one she’s put in all her blood sweat and tears in, in which only her best qualities were put in and even those were exaggerated to seem perfect — gets more cracks the longer this tour goes on and the girl is scared of the inevitable future in which the cracks of her mask get too deep and visible to be able to repair it. 

Sana knows that her members must be feeling it too — the constant exhaustion, one that is felt even in her aching bones — but she’s too selfish to ask them about it and make sure that it’s not too much for them. She can’t handle her own problems, how is she supposed to carry her loved ones’ burdens as well? Besides, it’s not like she could actually help if it really is too much for them.

She’s not totally sure which city they’re in right now but she doesn’t dare to ask. What difference would it make anyway to know that when she’s not even sure she knows how time works anymore? Last week feels like today, the next flight will feel identical to the one she had to get to the county she’s currently in, the hotel room looks just like the one from the last tour stop and the one before that — so what difference would knowing where she is truly make?

Jihyo holds her in an embrace during their break from rehearsals. Her touch is familiar and comforting and the older girl feels like it’s one of the only things grounding her in these stressful months. She clings on to her leader, letting out a soft sigh.

“Have you eaten something today?” The younger girl’s voice gets Sana out of her thoughts and she shakes her head a little embarrassedly. Everyone who knows her is aware of the fact that when they’re touring Sana would rather sleep than eat. Most of the time it’s either one or the other and the girl prefers to sleep even half an hour more than to eat food that just reminds her how far away she is from home.

Korea feels just as much of a home as Japan does by now (sometimes even more than her home country) and although other countries have korean food to offer it never quite tastes the same.

Sana knows that she has gotten visibly thinner over the course of the world tour — she feels it at night, her bones being more prominent and aching as she tries to fall asleep, and if she has noticed then her leader surely has, too.

She wouldn’t be that sure if she were talking about any of the other members because each of them have their own troubles to worry about but Jihyo takes her role as a leader almost too seriously, attentive to every little thing going on in the lives of the girls she has the responsibility of. 

Jihyo gently pats the older girl on the back and rummages through her bag that’s right beside her. She takes out a protein bar and pushes it into Sana’s hands. When the girl sighs once again and shakes her head with the words “I’ll just take a nap” leaving her mouth, the leader’s face twists into one of worry and disapproval.

She decides to take the matter into her own hands as she takes the protein bar out of the wrapper and breaks a piece of it before basically shoving it into the older girl’s mouth. “Open up” She says with her no bullshit leader-like voice and Sana obeys, swallowing the first piece of the protein bar. It has a chocolatey taste that she can’t really bring herself to truly enjoy, not having the strength for it.

Jihyo gives her another piece, followed by another one and when Sana wants to take the protein bar into her own hands to eat it like the grown woman she is, she notices that her hands are shaking. Jihyo continues feeding her as if she’s unable to do so herself and although Sana tries not to she weirdly feels content with being taken care of.

Nayeon and Jeongyeon are warming up their voices in the background but all Sana can focus on is the woman she’s currently sitting in the lap of. Exhaustion paints her beautiful face, eyebags visible that the makeup stylist will surely have a hard time hiding right before the concert, and there’s pores visible around her nose that you’re only able to see when you’re as close to her as Sana currently is. The older girl thinks that this is when Jihyo is the prettiest, so painfully real and without the mask she has to put on when she’s in public. Sana wonders if her mask is cracking too, if she fears the moment she can’t hide behind it anymore.

The thing with the mask they’ve all carefully created is that it’s safe, it’s comfortable. Their job is sort of like being an actor, only they sometimes throw in bits of themselves in the character they’re portraying.

It’s safe, it’s comfortable but sometimes it’s confusing: do the idols who she considers to be her friends like her for who she is or do they like her for who she’s pretending to be? Does Jihyo see Minatozaki Sana, the regular person with all her faults and ugly sides, when she kisses her and fucks her into oblivion or does she see the idol Sana? She has never asked, too scared of getting the answer and too scared to find out what answer she would prefer to hear.

What Jihyo and Sana have is not a serious thing. They can’t be real, they can’t call themselves a couple — not in this industry, not when there’s so much to lose. The group is their life and everything dear to them, feelings are not enough to ruin all of that.

When Sana has her mask on, the one with only the most beautiful sides of her, she’s not in love with Jihyo. She doesn’t like girls when she has her mask on because it’s not beautiful so it can’t be part of her mask.

It sounds shitty but she knows that the same goes for Jihyo and her mask so she tries to tell herself that it’s okay.

Nayeon comes over to the not-couple right as Sana finishes the protein bar. “Break is over” She announces with something akin to pity in her voice. “Okay” Sana says and gets out of Jihyo’s lap, trying to convince herself that it really is okay.

More often than not Sana needs an IV drip before getting on stage, her body too malnourished and fragile to perform for hours without any help. Even after getting an IV drip it’s hard and the thinner she gets (the more time she spends touring) the more exhausting performing is.

Sana doesn’t know how other idols do it. Is this really all there is to being a celebrity? She’s been wearing this beautiful mask to hide her ugly side under it but day by day it gets harder to pretend. She’s not sure when the mask will crack so badly that it won’t be possible to put it back together — it’s not an if scenario anymore but a when — but what she does know is that once it happens there’s no coming back.

Jihyo and Sana sleep with each other sometimes — when they have enough strength and time even if most of the time they can’t have the privilege to go at it for several rounds, that is. It’s just easier to sleep with your group member when you need to get it out of your system sometimes. Some of the other members hook up with idols from different groups from time to time and less commonly they even get into relationships, both with celebrities and non celebrities but it never lasts long enough to be serious (long lasting relationships are rare, some even say it’s impossible in their line of work). Sana and Jihyo are content with only having sex with each other though, not chasing the need to sleep with anyone else. It’s comfortable but most of all it’s due to the feelings they have for each other, the feelings they know about but never confess out loud because talking about it makes it real.

That night too, after they finish their concert they end up in one bed — not to do anything though, simply falling asleep in the comfort of each other’s presence. Sana clings to the leader’s body, knowing that it’s a privilege they don’t get to have often. Not eating properly leaves her restless most nights but hearing Jihyo’s constant breathing eventually lulls her to sleep.

Only a few hours after falling asleep — for Jihyo it must’ve been four and a half hours which means it must’ve been a little more than three hours for Sana — they have to get up for breakfast. Sana feels sick at the thought of eating when her body is still begging for more sleep so she declines the offer to eat breakfast with Jihyo. The leader kisses the top of her head and tells her that she’ll come back with something for her to snack on when she’s back to which Sana just lets out a tired “thanks” before falling asleep once more, still lying in Jihyo’s hotel bed.

It must’ve been a little more than an hour after that when the manager unnie comes to wake her up. She has learned not to ask why Sana is in Jihyo’s room instead of her own and Sana is grateful for the illusion of privacy. When she gets a camera shoved in her hands and is told that she has to film some content she’s not as grateful anymore.

Even filming YouTube content requires putting on a mask, even if there aren’t people around to see her put on the acting performance. Small slip ups can always be edited out but she keeps her guard up regardless, her mask put on properly.

She’s in the fitting room when the stylist assigned to her lets out a displeased sound. “I’ve already changed the measurements several times these past weeks. How come the outfit is too big enough for you again?”

It’s a question that doesn’t need an answer: eating as good as nothing and dancing for hours and hours does that to your body, the stylist knows this.

“I’m sorry for the inconveniences” Sana says, bowing her head. She can’t afford to slip up around staff members either, she knows how fast words spread around and how much accusations of being ‘rude’ or ‘ungrateful’ can damage a career.

It’s a couple stops after that the girls have enough time to get a drink together. Some of the members decide to sit out and crash in their hotel room instead, the concert making exhaustion present in their bones, and Sana entertains the thought of doing the same before deciding against it. She needs something to calm down a bit and if that something is shitty beer with a couple of her lovely members then so be it.

She eats instant ramen along with the beer almost ravenously, too tipsy to worry about her face possibly looking puffy tomorrow.

“Slow down a bit, Sana-yah” Nayeon says amusedly and Sana childishly sticks out her tongue at the older girl before doing the opposite of what Nayeon told her to do.

Sana sees Tzuyu take a sip of the beer and feels oddly emotional. It felt like yesterday when Tzuyu was still a teenager and now she turned into this grown woman that doesn’t have to beg for her unnies to sneakily let her drink a bit of the alcohol when no one is looking.

All of her members grew up so quickly and even though she’s not the oldest she kind of feels like a proud mother looking at her children (or maybe an older sister seeing her younger siblings grow up).

“Tzuyu, I love you” Sana suddenly says out loud, the girl in question looking at her with a startled expression. “All of a sudden?” She asks, her eyes wide. “You were so small and now you’re all grown up and Unnie is just so, so proud of you” She explains before reaching for her glass to drink some more but Jihyo takes her glass away.

“No more alcohol for you” She says sternly and Jeongyeon lets out an amused laugh next to her.

Sana wakes up with a hangover and complains about it the whole drive to the airport. She’s glad that she could sleep ten hours at least, not taking the single day off they had for granted. Jihyo teases her a bit before finally giving her aspirin and something to eat after that.

They have a bit of time to rest back in Korea but it’s not really rest for Misamo as well as Jihyo — especially Jihyo, who will spend all of their break from tour promoting her solo debut.

Sana is proud of her, she truly is, but she can’t help but worry as well. Her own mask is still holding on, even if with several cracks, but does the same go for Jihyo’s mask?

Chapter Text

It's not like Jihyo isn't used to the stress of album preparation: she’s been in this industry for years now and had so many comebacks that she can't even keep count of exactly how many albums they released as a group. A solo debut is drastically different  though: for starters, you're on your own. There’s no one to rely on when you're the sole person all the spotlight is on — if you mess up in the group it's easier to hide, more unnoticeable with so many members, but when you're performing on your own you're to blame for every single mistake.

Jihyo is the group's leader, she knows how it feels to have responsibility on her shoulders and has known how it felt since the tender age of eighteen, and yet it surprises her when her solo debut is even more pressuring to her.

The weeks leading up to debut are spend with debut preparations: Jihyo spends most of her time in the practice room as well as the recording studio. The thought of her comfortable bed makes it hard for her to keep going, instead wanting to get into bed and never get out of it, but she's made it this far for a reason. The girl is cool headed when she needs to be, hard on herself even when she doesn't need to. It’s how she's always been, a trait that seems leader-like and collected, as if she has everything in control even when it doesn't feel like it at all.

Sometimes Jihyo deals with ugly feelings inside of her: why do most of the other members get to take a real break from touring while she has to spend that time practically working herself to death? More often than not she gets out of that mindset immediately after thinking things like that, though: debuting as a solo artist is something she should be thankful for, something she shouldn't take for granted. It’s still hard though, that much is undeniable.

When Jihyo and the dancers take a five minute break from dance practice she hears the sound of music playing from the practice room next to them. It’s Misamo, she realizes, and before she can talk herself out of it she leaves the room and enters the other practice room instead. The three girls are focused on perfecting their moves and Jihyo stands in the doorway, not wanting to interrupt them, but then Sana’s eyes meet hers in the mirror and the girl in question lets out a sound of surprise. 

“Jihyo!” She says, turning to her, which makes the other two members notice her too. Jihyo just grins a little tiredly as she closes the door behind herself and comes closer to the three girls. “I see you're practicing hard” She lets out with pride in her voice, her arms crossed in front of her chest with a nod of acknowledgment. “Of course” Momo replies to that, a small smile on her face. Sana crosses the few steps between herself and the leader to wrap her into a short hug. They're both a little sweaty and it should probably be gross but it doesn't matter at the moment; Jihyo holds the other girl tightly, basking in the comfort of hugging Sana who means so much to her. When they pull apart Mina and Momo are in the other corner of the room, giving the two not-lovers the illusion of privacy. “Will you show me what you've been working on?” The leader asks softly and Sana’s eyes light up with newfound enthusiasm, nodding eagerly. “Come on!” She rushes her two other unit members and Jihyo watches it happen with something akin to disappointment that she shouldn't be feeling. When she suggested watching the practice she meant watching what Sana had to show her on her own, but she's not sure how to voice that so she doesn't, instead sitting down and waiting for them to start.

The girl watches Misamo practice for a bit, cheering them on every now and then which makes Mina shy and makes Momo exaggerate her moves to make the leader laugh, and Sana- 

Sana just makes intense eye contact with Jihyo as she dances and the younger girl finds herself unable to take her eyes off her. She tries to watch all of them the same amount but she can’t help herself from lingering on Sana, her whole being being unfairly mesmerizing.

Five minutes feel like both an eternity and five seconds at most and then she has to go back to work, hugging the three girls and lingering in Sana’s comforting hold for a moment longer to indulge her yearning heart.

Jihyo is exhausted as she gets back to her apartment, her eyes closing out of their own accord. The knowledge that she could fall asleep if she doesn't move right now is what makes her stand up, the dizziness that move brings with it catching her off guard. She might be tired to a concerning extent but she still has things to do: the girl does her laundry (in the middle of the night, which might not be a very sane thing to do) and cleans up a little inside of her apartment before she finally takes a hot shower and then allows herself a mere couple hours of sleep before her next schedule calls for her.

The girl puts a cap on backwards and gets into the car, making polite conversation with her manager until they arrive at their destination. The walls of the recording studio are more than just a little familiar to her by now and she warms her voice up before they officially start recording. Jihyo knows that her voice is good, she’s had tons of training sessions to get to where she is now, and yet she can't help but notice every single area she lacks in. Whenever she gets in the recording booth she's immediately focused on her voice, the way she makes the lyrics sound, the way the song makes her feel, and yet she's conscious of every time a note leaves her mouth not quite the way she wants it to. Even as frustration makes its way inside of her she tries not to let it get to her, asking for the chance to record a part over and over again until she’s satisfied. As some sort of perfectionist the satisfying take takes forever to get and when she's finally done with recording for the day she realizes that it's dark outside already and she spent most of the day in the recording studio. The drive back to her apartment is spent by having a conversation with Jeongyeon on the phone. She has some sort of soft spot for the older girl and hearing her voice is enough to make the exhaustion inside of her a little less apparent and more bearable. Jeongyeon seems to pick up on the fact that Jihyo isn't feeling her best and tries to cheer her up without telling her straight out that she knows the girl isn't feeling well.

Over the next couple of days Jihyo notices the way her eye bags get more prominent, noticeable even when she puts on light makeup to hide it, and she feels like she hasn't slept in years. The girl has to keep herself from yawning out loud as she moves from the studio to the meeting regarding her promotion period that she has to attend. Her bones ache with tiredness that feels like part of her by now but she tries to focus on the meeting either way. Her carefully crafted act of being a steady, strong and reliable leader takes over her face and manners as she sits there for what feels like eternity and only once she leaves the room does she end the act, a hand on her temple in frustration at the headache she has had for most of the day. Other than the feeling of her headache she just feels dead outside, something that kind of (who is she kidding? More than just kind of) scares her.

Even though she has no choreo practice with the dancers for the day her feet take her to the dance room to perfect some of the moves, her headache getting worse the more time she spends dancing. Eventually the leader starts to feel dizzy and is hit with the realization that she didn't have anything to eat except for the poor excuse of a breakfast she had in a rush and a look at her phone tells her that it's already close to midnight. Her stomach, as if realizing that it's hungry after the reminder of its emptiness, starts growling and she lets out a sound of annoyance. Jihyo tells herself that she'll have something quick to eat once she’s home and decides to take a short break before practicing some more. It's probably not the thing she should be worrying about right now but she wonders if Sana has been eating better lately than she has while they were touring. The leader can't help the worry and care for the girl she has these unfortunately deep feelings for.

Her aching body meets the floor as she takes her water break, panting a little when suddenly the door of the practice room opens and no other than the person she was just thinking about comes in.

“Sana?” To say that Jihyo is caught off guard would be an understatement, looking at the older girl with surprise obvious on her face. The girl in question just closes the door behind her before she moves to Jihyo’s spot on the floor and sits down next to her. “Hey, Zyo-yah” She says softly as she looks at the leader. “I didn't know you guys were still here” Jihyo says, referring to the japanese unit, and her face expression twists into one of concern even as she knows that it's hypocritical coming from herself. Sana looks so beautiful even with baggy clothes and her hair in a messy bun, her face without any trace of makeup and still so unfairly gorgeous, and Jihyo knows that she's staring but she just can't help it. She'd expect that years of seeing the pretty girl's beauty would make her at least kind of immune to it but that's far from being what's happening: if anything Sana ages like fine wine and Jihyo keeps getting more attracted to her the more time passes.

“Momo and Mina are gone already” Sana starts, her body leaning against the younger girl’s as she continues “I was just packing my stuff when I suddenly heard what sounded like your song so I decided to come over” She turns her head to get a better look at Jihyo and frowns when she sees the look on the younger girl’s face as well as the general state she’s in. “Are you okay?” Wide and undeniably worried eyes look back at the leader and she takes Jihyo’s hand in her own, squeezing comfortingly. “Yeah” Jihyo says, the tiredness of her body and head going to the back of her mind as she focuses on the girl in front of her and she's not surprised at finding herself wanting to kiss her, her eyes going to Sana’s pretty lips.

“I’m fine” She says, swallowing audibly when the girl licks her lips. “You sure?” Sana’s voice sounds giddy and teasing now, like she has an idea of what kind of thoughts Jihyo’s brain is made of at the moment. Jihyo pulls the older girl closer and practically drags her on her lap which results in a startled yelp from Sana. “Very sure” The leader replies almost absentmindedly, filled with satisfaction as she watches the way Sana blushes. The desire to kiss the girl on her lap gets stronger and she has to actively remind herself that they're in the company building right now and that anyone — an unassuming staff member or another idol — could barge into the room at any given moment. 

Sana must come to the same realization because she leans away from the girl, Jihyo’s arms automatically sneaking to her small waist to steady her. “Were you planning to stay here for much longer? It’s already so late, and to be honest with you you don't exactly look your best at the moment” Sana’s voice is so gentle and sweet that the leader feels like she'll never get enough of it.

Jihyo lets out a dramatic gasp in mock offense, replying with “Really, Sana-yah? Sitting in my lap while you're talking trash about me?” to which Sana just giggles and Jihyo joins her with laughing. They both move their positions until they're comfortable and it makes them lie down on the floor now, Sana’s body half on top of Jihyo’s as she rests her head on her chest.

 “I’m just saying” She lets out after they've both quieted down. “If you're done we could go over to your apartment and spend some time…together”

The words make the younger girl’s heart speed up embarrassingly inside her chest and yet she tries to keep her cool. “Spend time together?” The words come out suggestively, just the way they were supposed to, and Sana lets out a whine. “Stop being mean to me!”

“I’m not” The younger girl’s voice gets lower as she adds “I haven't started yet, at least. If you want me to then let's go to my place”

Sana does not hesitate any longer after she hears these words, her cheeks painted a pretty pink as she gets her things and waits for Jihyo to do the same.

After that everything is sort of a blur: all Jihyo remembers is lying on her sheets with Sana under her. It's everything she ever wanted and yet the desire she has for the older girl does not go away after that — Jihyo starts to acknowledge the fact that her feelings for Sana might never go away at all, that the things she feels for her will never change.

Preparing for her solo debut is still exhausting and hard on both her body and mind but it's alright, Jihyo tells herself. As long as she has Sana by her side she's going to be okay.