Archive of Our Own ^beta

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     "Neil did what...?" Todd's reaction to news about Neil shooting himself was one of disbelief, then heartbreak. But then,

     "But he's okay, he's in the hospital." Charlie's simple words were enough to bring Todd to tears of relief.

     "Oh, Jesus Christ, you scared me, jerk!" Todd wasn't a religious person, but he was thanking every god and goddess he could think of that Neil was alive. Aka, not a lot. "Do you know if we can see him?" He asks, hope in his eyes.

     Charlie visibly winces and looks at the rest of the poets. Their answer is obvious, but it still hurts.

     "We can't, can we..." Todd's eyes well up again. This was so unfair. His best friend almost dies, and he can't even see him? What a bunch of bullshit. Todd groans and flops back on his bed, looking over at Neil's empty one.

     "Hey, don't look so down in the dumps, pal. We want to see him too." Cameron snaps. Todd glares at him.

     "Yeah well it's different. I'm not like you guys." He swallows the lump forming in his throat. "When i hang out with Neil, it's different, okay? He's my- best friend."

     Charlie gives a soft understanding smile. They get it. Of course they do. Cameron, however, does not. "What do you mean, it's 'different'? That's dumb."

     "Can it, Cam."

     "Whatever."

     Meeks pats Todd's back. "I'm sure he'll come back. It's Neil, after all. But for now, we cannot mope, for we have English class!" He adds a funny voice at the end in an attempt to make Todd smile. It works. Slightly. The poets head to English class, where Mr. Keating is waiting.

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     "Hello boys, if you could sit down, I have a serious discussion for once." Mr. Keating smiles, despite the depressing topic he is about to discuss. "Now, many of you must already know that our beloved Neil has attempted to, for lack of a nicer way to put it, kill himself." His expression is now pained. "I wish to make it clear that if anyone else has or has had these types of thoughts, please let me know. I have lost too many valued friends to suicide, and I have been very grateful that Neil survived."

   Todd frowns and looks down. All he can think about is when Neil is coming home. Home. It never occurred to him that he would refer to Welton as home, but here he is. Missing his best friend and crush.

     "Now, if everyone can open their textbooks to page..." Keating's class seems to go on forever. Todd's getting anxious. His palms are sweating, his sweater suddenly feels wrong, the sun is too bright through the window, and-

     "Mr. Anderson?" Keating calls his name.

     Todd can't answer. He wants to, God, he wants to speak, scream, wail, cry. He can't breathe, it's too hot. He needs to leave, he needs-

     "Mr. Anderson!" Keating's voice is a whisper next to his screaming thoughts. Thoughts of Neil, thoughts of how he should have been there for him, thoughts of how he's a horrible person for not helping Neil through this. The thoughts spiral down, down, down. Down to the deepest parts of his mind, down to the roots of his fear and anger, his sadness and anguish, all of it.

     A warm hand grabs Todd's shoulder.

     Todd snaps out of his depressive stupor and whips his head around to look at Mr. Keating. "M- I'm sorry, sir." He whispers, unaware of the tears forming in his own eyes.

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    "Would you like to take a break, Mr. Anderson?" Mr. Keating's warm voice echoes throughout the dead silent classroom. Todd nods and stands up. Mr. Keating leads him out the door.

     "Todd, is there anything you would like to say to me, anything at all?" He asks softly.

     Todd shakes his head. "I'm fine, sir..." That's a lie. That's utter bullshit and he knows it. He wants to reprimand Mr. Keating for bringing up Neil in class, but he can't. He can't, and it hurts. It hurts so goddamn much that Todd can barely handle it.

     "Now, Mr. Anderson, I consider myself to be a good judge of character, and I also consider myself quite able to tell when someone is lying. Now, I will ask you again, do you have anything you need to let out?"

     "I said I'm fine, Mr. Keating." His voice is still shaky and uneven, but less so now.

     "Alright, still, let me know, okay?"

     "Okay sir."

     The next couple days are Hell. Yes, Todd might be exaggerating, but he's a teenager, it's what he's supposed to do. What he's not supposed to do is have dreams about Neil. Not the weird, creepy kind of dreams, or even happy ones. Well, he supposes they start off happy, but they all inevitably end horribly. For example, he was dreaming of being on a picnic with Neil, they were giggling and talking, Neil would occasionally sneak glances at Todd, then a giant boot comes stomping down on both of them.

     He's woken up in a cold sweat many times this week.

     Days without Neil turn to a week, a week turns into weeks, weeks turn into a month, and a month turns into five whole months. Five whole months without seeing his roommate. Five. Whole. Months. Charlie has been checking up on Todd, making sure he's been eating, drinking, sleeping. And, while it makes the poets sad that their friend is suffering, they have classes. As does Todd.

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Todd wakes up one morning to the sound of cheering, chanting, and woo-woo-ing. He groans, angry that he was woken up early on a Saturday. He gets up and stomps to his door. He's about to close it when-

     "Todd!"

     That voice. That sweet, sweet voice. Todd looks up and sees him. He sees Neil. Neil, the boy who he hasn't seen in what felt like an eternity. If he could, he would run and kiss him. But he can't, so he settles for a spine crushing hug. Warm tears roll down his cheeks as he buries his face into Neil's shoulder.

     "Neil..." His voice cracks as he tightens the hug even further.

     "Todd, I still have to breathe." Neil whispers with a laugh. "I missed you too. You haven't been too lonely without me bugging you, have you?"

     "Of course I was!" He sniffles. "I was worried he killed you, Neil!"

     Neil's eyes soften, and his smile falters. "I know Todd, I know. but I'm here now, right? I'm okay. We're okay." We're. We're? Us? Plural? Todd pushes that thought to the deepest part of his mind, blocking it out, and detaches himself from Neil.

     "Yeah. Yeah. You're okay. Mhm." He swallows the lump in his throat to look Neil in the eyes. Neil's eyes, his fucking eyes, man. His big beautiful brown eyes. Brown eyes that could get anyone to do anything for him. Todd would go through hell and back for those eyes. Their eyes lock for about ten minutes before Charlie and the rest of the poets come crashing in, turning their little moment into a giant group hug.