Chapter Text
Your eyes bore into the reflection staring back at you. Your lips were painted red to match the deep shade of the dress that graced your body. A color you found uneasily fitting for the clan you were to marry into. Your hair was neatly tied back with a golden pin to hold it in place. The gems on the pin were in stark contrast to your dress, a shade of blue you had grown familiar with.
Chatter amongst your mother and relatives had faded into white noise as you yet again tried to grasp the reality of your impending future.
You were to be married off to secure an alliance with the Lin Kuei.
Initially, you had thought your parents were playing a cruel joke on you (they were never ones to do so, but you had still hoped). They explained the gravity of the situation. You knew that strife had been increasing in the area and that the Lin Kuei would offer protection that no one dared to rival. Your father shared similar ideals of honor and duty that the Grandmaster was privy to. However, the Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei would not be so foolish as to strike up a deal without asking for something in return. Of course, your clan offered resources they found valuable, but it still would not be enough.
It just so happened that his oldest son was to take over the title soon, and that tradition deemed it necessary for him to take a bride.
And so you became the prized bargaining piece.
Naturally, the exchange of your hand in marriage for an alliance weaved its way into conversations between the clans.
Now here you were.
Your eyes trailed toward the door before a veil was placed upon your face. Could you make a run for it at this point? No, there’d be too many to stop you.
Your heart began to beat faster. Bi-Han was his name. He was always cold, much suited for the cryomancer. When the marriage talks began he seemed indifferent, you did not blame him; it wasn’t like you were ecstatic either.
But at the engagement, he didn’t appear happy. You sat across from him, his eyes pierced through you as if he wanted to disintegrate you on the spot. Yet he carried on his duties of presenting the betrothal gifts, which you accepted (it wasn’t as if you had a choice).
You wondered if he would look at you with the same animosity at the wedding ceremony.
—————
You proceed with the ceremony, ever the dutiful daughter. You repeat the vows like clockwork, as does he. You notice how stoic he sounds and you at least attempt to sound happy, albeit not very convincing.
Your families both rejoice, pleasantries and congratulations echo through the air. More so directed towards the respective families than they are at you or Bi-Han.
The rest of the night is spent masquerading under the facade of an eager, happy bride.
None saw through it, or maybe they did, and you chose to ignore their looks of pity. If they had been concerned, they could have spoken on your behalf prior.
Your mother would shoot you a sympathetic glance every so often, engulf you in her arms, and hold you for longer than needed, not that you truly minded. Maybe it was her way of attempting an apology. Yet you didn’t blame her for being complacent. She was no stranger to arranged marriages and this one was needed for the overall good. You will miss her at your new home.
On occasion, you felt as if you were catching the glances of the Grandmaster’s second son. He appeared understanding, his eyes shone kinder than your husband’s. You knew of the Grandmaster’s adopted son as well, he would smile whenever you looked his way.
His brothers seemed kind, why couldn’t Bi-Han come off that way?
Then again, perhaps you were jumping to conclusions. Who’s to say Bi-Han wasn’t as kind? Maybe his serious demeanor was just a front, the same way you kept up your own.
You would be able to tell later on.
Hopefully.
You don’t notice Bi-Han eyes drifting towards you while you remain lost in thought.
—————
The wedding concludes just as fast as it began. You were yearning for the end of it, yet dreading it at the same time.
You exchanged words of gratitude with the guests and said your goodbyes to your family. Reality was starting to hit you at this point. You were going to begin life anew with someone you considered a stranger at heart.
You tried to shake off the thoughts as you were ushered to your new bedroom. Moonlight shone through the windows onto the bed, sheets fitted a shade of crimson with flower petals decorating it. You bit your lip as you changed into your sleeping attire and sat on the bed. A few candles burned nearby, and you wondered if they were aphrodisiacs.
Tradition expected you to consummate your union on the wedding night, but surely he’d understand if you were nervous? You barely knew him… although you had to admit he was physically attractive. His eyes were piercing, his physique enticing, especially his biceps. You could feel the heat rise to your cheeks. You couldn’t help but wonder if he was well endowed…
What were you thinking? Perhaps it was your brain’s attempt to calm your nerves,
Time continued to pass by, and Bi-Han still hadn’t arrived. Where was he? Was he even coming?
You couldn’t stifle the yawn that hit you. Maybe he was busy talking to his brother or father? Or maybe he wouldn’t come.
Your mind began to wander. Maybe he had a lover he was saying goodbye to? Or maybe he had run away with a lover. You shook your head,
‘He wouldn’t, not if he’s as responsible and serious as he comes off as.’
You found yourself lying down and resting your head against the pillow. Hopefully, it would not come off as disrespectful. You were just relaxing until he showed up; if he showed up at all.
—————
You fell asleep, you didn’t mean to but the ceremony had exhausted you.
Bi-Han found you sprawled out on the bed, the blanket residing at your feet.
Truthfully, he avoided coming inside the bedroom. He had been pacing around in the main quarters before his father found him. The Grandmaster offered him words of advice and congratulations, which he begrudgingly accepted.
He had also spoken with Kuia Liang and briefly with Tomas. They both seemed to sense his disdain no matter how much he tried to veil it. They advised him to be kind and understanding of how his new bride must be feeling.
How would you be feeling? What stress would you have? You married into the strongest clan Earthrelm had. He on the other hand, now had one more burden to manage.
He hated the idea of an arranged marriage. He didn’t want to be tied down nor distracted from his duties as part of the Lin Keui. However, he knew it was necessary if he was to take on the role of Grandmaster after his father.
His mother and father had their marriage arranged as well. Bi-Han had a suspicion that they had feelings for one another before their engagement, at least that’s what his mother would allude to.
His new bride seemed to be adverse towards him. You barely looked at him, you barely spoke. Why were you so rude?
Both his father and yours had made arrangements between you two to interact prior to the wedding, yet you seemed out of touch. At clan banquets you were indifferent.
He had seen you with others. He had watched you before, prior to the public proposal of an engagement between you two. His curiosity had gotten the best of him so he had kept an eye on you at meetings and other affairs. You were lively, a smile could be found on your lips more often than not. You would speak with passion. You found enjoyment in training with your fellow clan mates. You had a habit of cracking your knuckles when nervous.
He tells himself he only became interested in watching you to better assess the situation; to see what he was getting himself into, or rather what his father had gotten him into.
Why were you so different with him compared to the others? He saw how you interacted with Tomas and Kuia Liang. Did you prefer them over him?
Bi-Han clenched his jaw. What did he lack that made you so apprehensive? He is second in command to his father, he maintains his form, and he fulfills any duty that is required of him. What more could you want in a partner?
Either way, this was an arrangement, he need not be so concerned with the actual ‘happiness’ of this marriage. He would fulfill his duties and he would expect you to fulfill yours.
Yet here you were, already failing at that.
Did you not want to consummate the marriage? Were you so careless towards tradition?
His eyes narrowed at your sleeping form. Did you have a lover? Is that why you were being so distant? If you did he would find out sooner or later, and he would deal with that nuisance swiftly.
He stepped closer. Your eyes were closed and the rhythm of your breathing was steady.
Now, he would be lying if he said he didn’t find you visually appealing.
Your lips looked soft and supple, your eyes warm yet inquisitive, your hands delicate compared to his.
Bi-Han scowled, what was he thinking? Was he already so easily distracted?
He groaned as he prepared himself to sleep. He had an early morning tomorrow, as were most mornings. His father and brother offered him the chance to stay in with his bride, but he wouldn’t bother. His duties towards the Lin Kuei stopped for no one.
As he gets into his side of the bed he notices you shivering and pulls the blanket over your sleeping form. He is able to do that much.
He doesn’t bother to cover himself, why bother when he is accustomed to the cold.
He maintains a noticeable distance between you two and turns his back away from you before he allows himself to fall into a slumber.
————
You wake up the following morning. The spot next to you is empty.
Chapter Text
You waited for him that morning, he never came.
—------------
You had picked up a mundane routine from there. The day would start with you waking up alone, seeing BI-Han in passing while you learned how to fulfill your own duties in your new role. You would come across him again at the dinner table with his family, feigning the act of a bashful newlywed. You would catch Tomas and Kuai Liang exchanging a glance with one another, meanwhile, Bi-Han would remain as serious as ever. Then you would retire to your bedroom, and spend some time reading before falling asleep alone. Bi-Han came to bed sometime after you would fall asleep, at least you assumed so.
It was lonely.
You barely saw your husband, how did he expect this marriage to work? Today, was no different as you sat on the bench of the training area. You had already had some lessons on the administrative work of your future role this morning, and then you had been taught additional lessons of self-defense training. That proved more difficult on your body than anticipated, but thankfully today’s instruction was over. You were to do as you pleased until your evening meal. Sighing and standing to your feet, your eyes found their way to the garden nearby, you had seen it many times but were yet to check it out; so you figured spending some time there couldn’t hurt.
The light breeze graced your skin while you entered the path spanning through the garden. The array of flowers was beautiful; pink roses, azaleas, blossoms, peonies, the list went on. You stopped by a tree teeming with blossoms and leaned back against it. Some of the petals danced with the wind as they blew away. A couple fell onto your hair and you carefully picked them off.
You twirled the petals between your fingers, it was soft and delicate. You liked the change of environment. The vibrance of the garden was a stark contrast to the architecture surrounding it. Suddenly the sound of footsteps broke you out of your trance.
“Wife.”
You looked up and Bi-Han gave you a curt nod. You gave him a small smile back.
His hair was slightly tossed, and his breathing was a tad heavier than usual. Maybe he had been off training elsewhere? Or maybe he came back from some sort of mission? You wouldn’t know.
You didn’t know what to say, It was so difficult to communicate and you hated it. You had been married a few weeks ago and you still knew close to nothing about him.
Bi-Han eyed you up and down before speaking. You couldn’t distinguish if he was eyeing you as if you were an adversary, prey, or something in between. “You… like those flowers?”
“I do.” You looked at the blossom petals in your hand before looking at him. “Are you taking a break? I don’t think I’ve seen you come by the garden before.”
He does find himself in the garden on occasion, but he finds no need to tell you that. “No, I only came to inquire about what you were doing here. I thought you had lessons to attend to.”
You rolled your eyes and pushed yourself up from the tree. You thought he had come to spend time with you, not check on you as if you were some child. “I’ve finished what was required of me today.”
“Then I’ll leave you be.”
You didn’t want him to leave, you craved a sense of connection with him. Maybe if you had a decent opportunity to talk to him it could spark something between you two. So you didn’t think about what he might say before reaching out and grabbing his arm.
Bi-Han froze. You had barely touched him at all in the past weeks. Other than your hand brushing his at the dinner table every so often, he only recalled the way your delicate hands rested in his rough, calloused ones at the wedding ceremony.
Your hands were soft, smaller than his. Foolishly, he sometimes wondered what it would be like to intertwine his fingers with yours.
He slowly turned his face to look down at you. “What is it?”
“May I go with you?”
“No.”
You shot him a confused look, “Why?”
“I am busy with things that don’t concern you.”
“I’m your wife, whatever concerns you, concerns me as well.”
Bi-Han raised an eyebrow, part of him wanted you to leave. He didn’t need a distraction. Yet a small part of him wanted you to accompany him, he wanted your interest, your attention. His conflicting feelings drove him mad these past weeks. He buried himself in his work and training, attempting to keep the thought of you at bay. You were still obstructing his focus even when you weren’t present. It enraged him that you had snaked your way into his mind.
He would think of how peaceful you looked when you slept; your hair tousled, your lips slightly parted, and your expression serene. You slept in complete comfort as if you had no worries in the world. He thought about how you would still happily engage with the clan despite your own reservations, how you would speak and listen intently to whoever you came across. He thought about how you spoke with an aura of gentle concern. Your entire being seemed like the antithesis to him. He hated that he found it intriguing.
Emotional attachments were never a plus. Yes, he had care for his brothers and his father, but that was already enough. He would take on the role of Grandmaster soon, and the necessity of logical rationale outweighed emotional interference. He need not invite anyone else in his heart, lest he grow weak like his father.
The day his mother died, his father had broken down. He wallowed in his sorrows for far too long. Bi-Han watched the esteemed Grandmaster delve into that of a pathetic mess.
Bi-Han missed his mother as well, he missed her dearly. But he never allowed anyone to see that sort of weakness from him. He was not opposed to comforting his younger brother, but he himself grieved alone, away from anyone else who might see his pitiful state, lest that be used against him.
His mother had wanted him to be strong, not weak-minded. He was disappointing her and himself the more he found himself musing over you.
Bi-Han took hold of your hand, more gently than you expected, and lifted it off of his arm. He held onto your hand for a moment too long before letting it go. “You are my wife in title, but that is all. Fulfill your own duties as I do mine.”
Your hand returned to your side, and you let him go.
He reminded you of a stubborn brat.
—————
You left him be that day and went about your usual routine until you retired to your bedroom. Bi-Han, Kuai Liang, Tomas, and a few of the other clan mates had left in a hurry. Apparently, something urgent had come up and you were promptly rushed off to your room.
You hated to admit it, but you were nervous. You hoped that nothing serious happened. It had been hours and you were still pacing your bedroom. You hoped your in-laws were without injury.
You hoped your husband was okay.
You know you two barely interacted, but still, you worried.
‘What was taking so long?’
Your question is answered when the door flies open. Your room is dimly lit and Bi-Han stands in the doorway, panting and stomping over to a dresser that he kept his clothing in. He rummaged through it, tossing some supplies onto your bed.
At that point, you’re snapped out of your stupor. “What happened??” You worriedly exclaim and rush to his side.
He sighs deeply. He supposes it’s fine to disclose the ordeal since you do live here. “We had some intruders try to break into a few locations on the outskirts of the complex. They were skilled.” He kept it short and sweet. He wouldn’t disclose that the main concern was a suspicion the intruders may have been from Outworld. You and your clan were yet to know about that.
He slowly sits on the bed and grabs a bottle of some sort.
“Let me help,” you say and reach out your hands towards his arm and the bottle.
He instinctively leans back when you approach.
That got on your nerves at this point. You had stayed up worrying for him, waiting for him to come back safely, and now you just wanted to help him feel better, and he resisted you even now. “You act as if I’m an enemy, I’m just trying to help you!” you snapped.
Bi-Han rolls his eyes “I would have killed you by now if you had been a threat to me.”
You grit your teeth, that wasn’t the point. “How charming,” you spat back.
At that, he snatches his arm away again. “I’m able to take care of myself. Leave.”
He could be intimidating, yet you chose to stand your ground. You crossed your arms. “In case you forgot we both share this bedroom, I will not be leaving.”
Bi-Han shot you an exasperated look. You were insufferable. “Then be quiet.”
You raised an eyebrow, a retort hanging on the tip of your tongue, but he wasn’t even worth that. You closed your mouth and sat down on your side of the bed. He could take care of himself then.
You were silent. You could hear him groaning in pain as he tried to clean the wound. Why was he so against your help? What had you done to him to make him be so cruel? You keep your face turned away but maintain a calm tone of voice “I am only trying to help you.”
The desire for your help was there, but he’d be damned if he allowed it to happen. He was able to manage his own wounds, he’s been doing it since his mother passed away. But his resolve is tested when you dare to reach out your hand anyway.
You’re testing your luck, but it’s the best you can do when things are so strained with him. You don’t speak but keep your grip on his arm firm. Something stops him from pulling away again, and you thank a higher power for getting him to calm down for once. He is tense, you can tell by how his arm is flexed and his shoulders slightly stiff. You dab some alcohol to the wound and unintentionally wince when you hear him grunt. “Sorry, sorry,” you mumble softly. The gash in his arm is deep, you can’t help but wonder who caused it, but you know better than to barrage him with questions now. You carefully wrap a bandage around his arm and step back, expecting some sense of gratitude from him, but you’re met with the exact opposite as he storms off out of the room.
Frustration begins to bubble up within you, why was he so childish? It’s as if for every step forward you took, you ended up taking three steps back. You were trying your best to get closer, but if he wanted to act ridiculous then you’d leave him be.
—------------
The training grounds were empty at this hour. Dimly lit and silent besides the sound of fists messily colliding with leather. Bi-Han hit the training bag again and again. Why did you have to interfere? Why did you have to make him feel the way that he did? He felt like he didn’t have control over something as simple as his own thoughts. You made him feel conflicted, uncomfortable at the desire you clawed out of him.
He should have pulled away, but he let you tend to his wounds. And how lovely you looked while you did. He didn’t know when he started to focus on you in that manner. You looked so concentrated. A few strands of your hair hung in your face as you applied alcohol to the injury; he wondered what would happen if he reached out to tuck the strands behind your ear. You leaned forward and craned your neck slightly to the side as you bandaged his arm. Your neck appeared smooth and slender to him. He wanted to wrap his hand around your throat, he could crush it if he wanted to. Would he stop thinking of you then?
A dull ache began to bloom on his knuckles. He would often cover his hands with ice by now, had his skin started to become irritated. Tonight he didn’t bother. He was desperate to feel something, anything else. The training bag began to wear out as the skin of his knuckles began to split open and bleed.
Footsteps began to emerge in his peripheral hearing, prompting him to halt his assault on the inanimate victim.
“Bi-Han?” Kuai Liang asked confused.
“What?!” he snapped.
“Are you not tired? Y/N must be waiting.”
“That’s none of your concern” Bi-Han scowled.
Kuai Liang sighed. He had hoped marriage would melt his brother’s harsh demeanor, at least a bit.
“Maybe. I don’t know what transpired between you two, but what use does sulking here have?”
Bi-Han clenched his jaw. His younger brother always knew how to get on his nerves. “Stop interfering with matters you know nothing about.”
“Fine, I may not know what has caused you to come all the way out here, but I’d at least advise you to act rational.”
Bi-Han wanted to snap back at his brother but held his tongue. How was he being irrational? He was stomping out any chance of falling for such a trap by burying these irrational thoughts. When he didn’t respond. His brother continued his tirade. “Y/N married you out of a duty to her own family and tradition. Just as you have. Do you think she finds this easy?”
Bi-Han grit his teeth. “How would I know?”
“You’d know if you spoke to her. You both took a vow to be tied to one another for eternity. At least become familiar with her.” Kuai Liang sighed. His brother had always been on the serious side, and his stoic nature only skyrocketed after their mother’s passing. They had always been close and as time passed he often found it hard to connect with his brother like this.
Bi-Han didn’t respond for a moment, but he wondered if his brother ever dealt with such distractions. Yet an accusatory statement left his mouth instead, “You are not married, you wouldn’t understand what I’m dealing with.”
“No, but I have someone I wish to marry.”
At that, Bi-Han’s head snapped towards his sibling. Since when did he have a ‘special someone’? “Why would you even consider such a thing? I did it out of necessity to take on the role of Grandmaster. Why welcome a distraction into your life if your first priority is loyalty to the Lin Keui?”
Kuai Liang gave him a confused look before letting out a laugh that Bi-Han considered offensive.
“What’s so funny?” He scowled.
“Nothing. It’s just, why would I ever consider my lover a distraction? She motivates me to do better for her but also the clan.” Kuai Liang explained and stepped closer.
Bi-Han couldn’t wrap his head around it. “I suppose your relationship is unique.”
“How so?”
“My wife distracts me, I can’t focus, she makes me feel weak.”
Kuai Liang crossed his arms and leaned back towards the wall. “What has she explicitly done to distract or harm you.”
“She occupies my thoughts constantly” Bi-Han stated in an irked tone of voice.
Kuai Liang had to shield the look of stupor that threatened to show itself. “So she has done nothing to intentionally harm you.” Bi-Han didn’t respond. He didn’t know how to. He supposed his brother did have a slight point. She had not intentionally done anything to weaken him. As far as he knew anyway.
“You’re considering her in a negative light, that’s why she serves as a distraction. You ought to use the thought of her to drive your ambitions.”
Kuai Liang stepped forward and placed a hand on his brother’s shoulder before his brother could counter. “She married you, she is Lin Kuei now. What she does will be for your betterment and the betterment of the clan. Don’t overthink it.”
Before Bi-Han can counter him, Kuai Liang is practically dashing out of the door. He can hear his brother yelling at him in the distance but that’s all he can offer in words of advice right now. He is tired and his bed is practically calling to him. He would be lying if he said he didn’t worry for him. He was so closed off, and although he never said it, he often found Bi-Han’s behavior short-tempered and erratic. He would never show signs of weakness to any outsider and practically no one was privy to his thoughts or habits when he was distressed. Even their father had turned somewhat of a blind eye to Bi-Han’s behavior. Not that he thought their father had intentionally done so, especially when Bi-Han curated such a strong demeanor for the world around him. Their mother’s passing had hurt their father to a great degree and so he was dealing as best he could behind closed doors, and Bi-Han’s evolution into growing colder was gradual. He and Tomas grew up with Bi-Han, they could tell when he would be plagued with insecurities or troubles.
He knows Bi-Han didn’t want this marriage, he knows that his older brother keeps a high guard up. But he also knows that Bi-Han aches for something that he can't quite pinpoint just yet.
—------------
You wake up to Bi-Han missing from his side of the bed again. You frown, you had hoped that last night would have shown your desire to grow closer. You switch the side you’re lying on and pause. You reach out your hand to brush your fingers gently against the petals of the flowers that lay at your bedside. The flowers are familiar and the fragrance is calming. The bouquet itself is small, tied together with a simple twine, but it makes you smile nonetheless.
Chapter Text
You were enjoying your morning, you had stayed in reading. The sunlight shone through your room and you set the book down at your bedside table near the flowers you’d received the other day. You found a decent vase to put your bouquet in and it sparked a sense of hope, that perhaps the cryomancer had started to open up to you. You had still barely spoken to Bi-Han, but you’d managed to steal a moment of his time to express gratitude for the flowers. You were hoping that you’d see him more today. You’d been excused from today’s lessons since today was the height of the Mid-Autumn Festival. You’d listened in on chatter amongst the other members of the clan. Everyone had some sort of plan. You’d wanted to ask Bi-Han if he could accompany you in festivities but that’d only be successful if you could at least find him. You left your room and began to make your way around the complex, keeping an eye out for your evasive husband. You find your way to a secluded office, the door is slightly ajar and you peek inside to find Bi-Han mulling over some documents. You knock gently. Bi-Han doesn’t bother to look up. “You may enter.”
You try to make light of the situation, it is a special day isn’t it? “You let me in pretty easily, how do you know I wasn’t an intruder?”
He rolls his eyes and much to your disappointment, he doesn’t seem to like the joke.
“Had you been an intruder I would’ve immobilized you before you got this far.”
You nod and step forward. “Today is the Mid-Autumn Festival, I was wondering if, well…” you bite your lip, although things had improved overall between you two, casual conversation was still unknown territory. For the most part anyway.
Bi-Han tilts his head. “Spit it out.”
“Could we attend the festival? I’ve heard that the village nearby is holding some events and-“
“No.”
Your hope deflates in an instant. “No? What do you mean no?”
“I mean no, I don’t have any use in going.”
“But I want to go,” you nearly whine.
“I’m not stopping you from going,” he responds and crosses his arms.
You want to go with him. You want to walk around the decorated streets, you want to light the lanterns, you want to have dinner together, and you want to eat moon cakes with him. Who else would you do it with? The desire to counter his argument is there, but hesitancy gets the best of you for a moment. He already said no, you know he is stubborn. But you still prod. “I mean with you, I want you to go with me.”
“Why?”
‘Goodness, was he making this difficult on purpose?’
He was asking such blatant questions it almost made you self-conscious about responding. “I mean, we’re married.”
“As far as I know that’s not a requirement to attend the festival.”
Now he was truly starting to irk you. “It’s not a requirement, but I would prefer that we go together.”
“I cannot, I have matters to attend to.”
“Please? It’s one day.” You’re beginning to feel like a disappointed child.
“My duties don’t stop because it’s a mere holiday.”
“Oh.” You nod your head and slink away back into the hallway. Looks like you’re on your own again, not as if that was out of the ordinary. You just hoped this time would be different.
And so you busy yourself around the complex. You didn’t realize that not having to attend any lessons would leave you quite bored. You didn’t feel like reading anymore and everyone else seemed to be busy with their own plans. At some point, you end up making your way to the kitchen. Maybe you could make some tea and then go for a walk in the village on your own.
You begin to brew the tea to your liking when you hear a door slide open. “Oh, Y/N?” You turn around and smile “Hi Tomas.” You glance back at the teapot. “Do you want some tea?”
“Sure.” He goes to sit at one of the tables nearby and you turn back to the teapot. You haven’t really interacted with him one-on-one before, it's always been in a communal environment. Your mind rummages through conversation starters. You suppose you could ask him about training. Or maybe about some recent mission? Although Bi-Han and the others still seemed very secretive about that… maybe you could ask him about how he joined the Lin Kuei? But before you can speak up, he beats you to it.
“So, what’re you and Bi-Han up to today?”
You sigh quietly and crack your knuckles out of habit. That was perhaps the one question you didn’t want to answer. “Ah, just the usual.”
“You’re not doing anything special today?”
You turn to him briefly and shake your head before pouring a cup of tea for you both. You walk over to the table and sit down across from him. “No, Bi-Han is busy today.”
“He is? I guess that makes sense. He takes his role of future Grandmaster seriously.” Tomas replied, he blew on the cup and took a sip. Now, Tomas didn’t know much about what it took to be Grandmaster, at least not more than what the rest of the Lin Kuei were aware of. But provided that nothing extremely urgent was of concern, he’d seen their current grandmaster take a break on festival days. Even if he didn’t attend the actual festivals often, he would still take the day to rest and spend time with his family.
Now Tomas had plans with Kuai Liang for the evening. Kuai Liang was aware that in recent years his father preferred to stay in for the festival, but he had also asked Bi-Han if he wanted to go into the village with them. Unsurprisingly, Bi-Han declined the offer. They thought nothing of it and considered it a change of heart with Bi-Han, they hoped he had plans with his wife.
Tomas should feel surprised, but a part of him is not.
He’d be lying if he said he didn’t notice the slight disconnect at dinner. Neither Bi-Han nor his new bride seemed to be very familiar with one another even after some time had passed. Y/N would keep up her chatter but it came off as a sort of an anxious habit. Perhaps to cover up any relationship issues between them? At least, that was his theory.
You watch the smoke dance from your teacup and into the air before taking a small sip. “Do you have any plans for tonight?”
“Yeah, Kuai Liang and I are going to this restaurant in the village, Madame Bo’s.”
“I’ve never heard of it?”
“You’d love it, Madame Bo is the owner of the establishment and she actually used to be part of the Lin Kuei.”
You chuckled lightly. “Really? That’s quite the career change.”
Tomas smiled before taking another sip, “Her food is to die for. You have to try it someday.”
You give him a small nod. Maybe you could ask to join them? Surely it wouldn’t burden them?
You grip the side of your dress, nervous to speak up.
But why be nervous, they’re your family now aren’t they? “Could I go with you?”
“Sure!” Tomas exclaimed. “At least I won’t be the third wheel now,” he said with a light chuckle. Relief flooded your being and excitement took its place. “We’ll leave just before sunset.”
——————
This was the first time since the wedding that you had gotten to dress up, although at the wedding you couldn’t exactly savor the moment due to the circumstances of it all. But today would be different, you would be enjoying time with your new family, or at least part of your new family.
Now here you were in front of a mirror, trying to ensure you looked good for the occasion. You slipped into a new dress you’ve been meaning to wear and were tending to your hair when the door opened. You turned around, it was your husband. You give him a little wave and he responds with a nod of acknowledgment.
You turned back to the mirror, fiddling with a pin. He watched you as you did, you reminded him of a delicate doll. The color of your dress complimented your skin tone, as did your hairpiece. “Where are you going?”
“The village, remember I mentioned the festival?” You said quickly, hoping he wouldn’t counter your plans. Thankfully you hear something that you likened to a hum of approval.
Once you’ve checked yourself in the mirror one final time you head for the exit of your bedroom, glancing back quickly at Bi-Han, he seems to be preoccupied. Maybe next year he’ll come with you, you two could go as a couple, or maybe it’s wishful thinking. Before you can turn to leave, your husband utters your name.
“Y/N.”
“Yes?”
“Don’t get into trouble.”
You smile faintly, although a forlorn feeling was behind it. “I won’t.”
——————
You meet up with Tomas and Kuai Liang, eager to join in the festivities. The town is lively, the streets filled with families enjoying their time together, and little children run about carrying their lanterns. It’s a refreshing sight.
Madame Bo’s restaurant is lively as well, and you lag behind Tomas and Kuai Liang as they make their way to the table. There are so many people around, and so much excitement, the lanterns within the restaurant help create an even more comforting ambiance. You’re so focused on all that is around you, that you almost fail to notice that there is someone already sitting at the table you’ve been led to. She shoots you a gentle smile and you return the gesture before she greets Tomas and then finally Kuai Liang, whom she definitely seems to be more familiar with. “Who is that?” You whisper to Tomas. “Harumi, she’s someone special to our brother here,” he says and briefly gestures to them. Kuai Liang then turned to you. “That’s my sister-in-law that I told you about, Y/N.”
Harumi smiles at you “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you.”
“Likewise,” you respond kindly.
Harumi is lovely. She is kind in her interactions with you and Tomas, and well adept in conversation. You tried to keep up in conversation with the three of them, but you were very distracted, to put it lightly.
You can tell how much she and Kuai Liang care for one another. Those two cared for each other, you could tell by how they interacted. It’s not as if they blatantly declared their love for one another in front of you in Tomas, but they might as well have. Her hand laid in his frequently throughout dinner, they shared pieces of pomelo, she stole sips from his osmanthus wine, she’d feed him pieces of meat from her plate when he’d eaten all of his, and he would gently brush her hair out of her face when she ate her noodles. And now the pair of love birds were sharing a moon cake for dessert. Harumi broke off a piece and fed it to her lover, who placed a chaste kiss on her hand as a thank you.
You could see why Tomas didn’t want to be the third wheel. Watching them be so happy… you hated to admit it but you were jealous.
Those two beamed with affection. They were gentle with one another and considerate of each other. Perhaps it was wishful thinking, but it made you wonder if you could ever be like that with Bi-Han. At least to you, it wasn’t likely. You wished he had just come with you. Part of you worries as to why he didn’t. Did he just not care? What if he was spending the evening with someone else?
For your own peace of mind, you decided to remove yourself from the table, at least for a bit. “If you’d excuse me, I ate too much, I’m just going to get some fresh air,” you said and stood up with a sheepish smile. Harumi sneaked a look at Kuai Liang and then back up at you, “Do you want me to go with you?”
Tomas glanced back at your plate, you really hadn’t eaten much in his opinion… he turned his gaze towards you “I’ll go with you.”
“Oh, you don’t have to.” You didn’t want to dampen Tomas’ mood along with yours.
“I need to take a break from eating too, I’m stuffed, so fresh air would be good right now.” He gets up and waves off the couple at the table before following your lead.
You both walk out to the balcony on the second floor of the restaurant. Not many people are out there and the moon shines bright upon you both. You take a deep breath and intake your surroundings. Though it’s getting late into the night, there are people still conversing and celebrating below. You wished you could halt your thoughts for at least tonight, but you weren’t so fortunate. Part of you wished you had just gone home to your parents to celebrate. But the trek was far and you knew it would look a bit rude if you had run off to your parents' clan so soon after your wedding. But maybe you’d feel better if you did. You'd be distracted, and you wouldn’t be thinking about the lack of love from your husband.
It vexed you that on a holiday honoring two lovers, you were feeling the sting of being unloved. You wrapped your arms around yourself as a breeze danced past you. Tomas watched the festivities carry on below before looking back at you, “are you cold? We can go back inside.” You shake your head, “No, no I’m fine.” Tomas nods his head, “so, do you think Kuai Liang and Harumi will marry? I don’t think I could see him with anyone else.”
You nearly scoff but catch yourself, “Definitely, you can tell they hold much affection for one another.”
He smiled slightly “Good point, I’m glad they found one another. Kuai Liang has liked her for so long, it’s good to see them be happy together.”
You forced a smile. You wished you had a relationship like that.
Tomas took note of your discomfort, he supposed he should have known better considering the day and topic. “So, how’ve you been liking life at the complex?”
You shrugged your shoulders “It’s nice, most of the people I talked to are nice, like you.” You try to lighten the mood and nudge him with your elbow. He chuckles. “Glad I’m on your good side then.”
——————
Guilt was a peculiar thing to Bi-Han. It was an emotion he seldom felt. On occasion, it would plague him. Like when he snapped at Kuai Liang and Tomas when they came to check on him one more time after their mission the other night. Or like when he yelled at his father for falling too deep into grief very shortly after his mother’s death. Or maybe like when he can’t sleep, wishing he had spent more time with his mother.
Bi-Han rarely feels guilt, but he does so now when he looks at the flowers you’d put in the vase at your bedside. The flowers that he gave you that day, he attempted to pick them carefully, racking his brain to remember the ones you seemed to prefer the most. At the end of it, he tried to find some sort of ribbon, but all he came across was a twine that he messily tied together.
Yet you took care of those flowers so graciously. You had come up to him that next morning in passing. A smile was wide on your face and eyes vibrant with something he might liken to the all-so-unfamiliar look of hope. He acted rather dismissive, but he would be lying to himself if he said seeing you like that didn’t please him.
He should have just accepted your invitation. What he worked on today was not that important. It’s laughable, and he still despised that you could put him in such a pitiful state, but he was nervous. He wouldn’t know how to go about acting like a normal couple with you, engaging in romantic sentiments. Would that even be possible?
He doesn’t know how to truly connect with you. He doesn’t know how to truly care for you.
He doesn’t know how to be a husband.
It’s starting to get late, and he doesn’t know for sure if you’ve come back yet. He steps out of the bedroom and begins walking around the estate. Did you go with anyone? What if you went with another man? Some sort of lover of yours? Oh if you had he wouldn’t hesitate to slit the man’s throat right in front of you. But he doesn’t remember you ever mentioning one? Or were you just good at hiding it? Perhaps he is overthinking. Maybe you went by yourself?
He should have asked you. He should have just gone with you.
So here he finds himself slightly embarrassed, standing in his father’s quarters, asking his father if he’s seen you.
“As her husband, you should know. It is a holiday after all.”
Bi-Han grit his teeth. He understood he was in the wrong, he didn’t need a scolding from his father.
“Grandmaster, I am asking for your assistance, if you can’t provide it then I’ll be on my way.”
His father shakes his head, he would have spent the majority of this day with his wife had she still been here, his kids included, provided no emergencies were present.
How times have changed.
The fact that his son still resisted the marriage so much disappointed him. He’d seen the way you two struggled to interact, no matter how much you tried to hide it at dinner. Yet he thought that today could possibly be an opportunity for his son to right his wrongs.
Bi-Han, ever so impatient when it came to his father, turns around and before he can leave his father's voice echoes in the room, “She went to the village with your brothers, by now she must be at Madame Bo’s Teahouse with Kuai Liang and Tomas.”
“Thank you, Grandmaster.”
——————
Bi-Han made his way through the dwindling crowd and bumped into a few individuals along the way. He made his way to Madame Bo’s. At this point, it seemed like most customers were on their way out. He rolled his eyes when someone scowled at him for accidentally knocking off their hat. His eyes scan the place before running into the owner of the restaurant herself.
“Madame Bo,” he spoke and bowed his head. She was an elder of the Lin Kuei, albeit formerly, but he’d offer her due respect nonetheless. “Bi-Han, I’m surprised to see you here, looking for your brothers?”
“Yes, have you seen them today?”
“Mhm” she hums and gestures to the second floor, their table is up there. “Thank you,” he replies and starts to make his way upstairs before Madame Bo’s voice rings in his ear. “I met your wife, she’s quite the looker.” Madame Bo chuckles when Bi-Han furrows his eyebrows. She then waves him off.
So he makes his way up, immediately catching sight of Kuai Liang and a woman who looks oddly familiar. The woman catches sight of him first, and gently shakes Kuai Liang’s arm, prompting him to turn around. “Brother! I didn’t know you were coming, would you like to eat with us? I’m sure Madame Bo wouldn’t mind-”
“I’m not hungry.” He tilts his head towards the woman, was she the object of his brother’s affection? “And she is?”
Kuai Liang lights up, “Bi-Han this is Harumi, you remember her don’t you? We used to play together when we were children.” She smiles at him “Bi-Han it’s been so long.”
He forces a smile, “Yes, it’s nice to see that you are well.” He had questions about when and how his brother had rekindled a connection with Harumi, and how he hid the relationship so well, or did he even hide it? Was he so oblivious to his brother’s activities and whereabouts?
Before either of them can ask him anything else he speaks up, “Where is my wife?”
“Oh she’s on the balcony, she wanted some fresh air.”
“Thank you.” He starts off towards the balcony but begins to slow down the closer he gets.
You and Tomas are leaning against the railing, breaking apart the last piece of a mooncake and eating it together. You two are a bit too close for his liking. You are smiling, you’re engaged in conversation. Tomas is equally as into the conversation. He doesn’t even know what you two are talking about, but for some reason it makes his blood boil. He wants to snatch you away and bring you home. Perhaps he is acting childish, but he practically stomps over to you two and grips Tomas’ shoulder, causing you both to look at your husband. Tomas’ eyes widen, “Bi-Han! I didn’t know you were coming,” he glances between you two, “I’m going back inside for some final snacks, it was nice talking to you Y/N!”
Tomas makes his way back to the couple at the table, he is surprised to see Bi-Han show up, but he is happy about it nonetheless. He could tell that you were disappointed and so he tried to lift your mood as best he could, although he didn’t know how successful he was. Maybe your husband could get the job done.
——————
Bi-Han’s gaze is harsh and you match his look.
“What are you doing here?”
“Looking for you, but appears like you are doing just fine.” He grabs your wrist. “We’re leaving right now.”
You snatch your wrist out of his grasp and lean back against a nearby column. “No, I do not want to go.” You didn’t want to go back to the Lin Kuei’s complex, you didn’t want to go back to a bedroom that lacked any comfort with a husband who seemed more indifferent to you than anything. You just wanted to be away from everything, at least for a bit longer.
“Then what?! Do you intend to stay here all night?” You roll your eyes and cross your arms, “what do you care?”
He clenches his jaw, you were noticeably smaller than him, he could snatch you up and bring you back home kicking and screaming if he wanted to. “Why else would I be here? You are my wife” he hisses.
You know that arguing right now probably isn’t the best idea, but you’ve felt so dejected as the night went on. “If I recall correctly you said that I’m your wife only in title, and nothing else, right? So what do you care if I spend here all night alone?’
You can feel tears threaten to spill from your eyes, but you blink them back. You won’t allow him the privilege of seeing you in such a vulnerable state. He’s not worth that, not yet, or maybe he never will be.
Bi-Han narrows his eyes, you were twisting his words. Or maybe he had truly meant that at the time. Yet in this moment, it was different. He did care, maybe he was beginning to want you as more than a wife simply in the title. He desired more of you.
So what was truly stopping him? Perhaps he was his own worst adversary.
He can’t bring himself to apologize, he has rarely ever apologized to anyone. “That was then, that is not my sentiment anymore.”
You shake your head, looking at the lanterns that hang above you, “how can I even be sure of what you say?”
“Allow me the opportunity to prove my worth.”
“How?” you scoff and narrow your eyes at him, “you can’t just bring me a new bouquet of flowers and think all will be fixed.”
He resists the urge to let out a sigh, “That is not what I am asking of you.”
“Okay, then what are you asking of me?’
He is hesitant to reach out to you now as if you’re too delicate for his touch. He hopes he did not grab your wrist too harshly before.
If he could so carelessly touch you then, why is he having so much difficulty now? Why were you so seemingly out of his reach, even when you were standing right in front of him? How could everyone get along with you so well but him?
Yet he thinks of the talk he had with Kuai Liang and he thinks of how happy a small bunch of flowers made you.
And the realization hits him, that perhaps, it is no fault of yours. That maybe he truly is too arrogant and brutish for his own good, at least when it comes to you.
So this time he reaches for your hand gently. He is seldom one to not maintain direct eye contact, but there is a sense of shame that is gnawing at his very being now, and he can’t look you in the eyes just yet. His eyes are focused on your hand.
“I know I am not an ideal husband.” He pauses before his eyes slowly trail up to meet yours, and he is convicted by the exhausted look they harbor.
“Truthfully, I do not know what to do. I took you in as my wife due to it being required of me, I did not want to marry, and I figured it a waste of time. But the thought of you has intercepted my every move even so.” His grip on your hand tightens and you can feel your heart start to beat slightly faster. “I am unaware of how to get closer to you. You are at ease more with others than you are with me and I detest it for reasons I don’t fully comprehend.”
You take in each word he speaks and take a moment of pause before responding, “I don't know how to go about any of this. I didn't want to get married either. But we are married now. I don’t want to live the rest of my life lonely. What do I have to do to make you understand that I am on your side? I vowed to be your partner in this life but I am yet to truly act on that because you don’t give me the chance. I want to know more about you, I want to be able to enjoy my time with you, and I can only wish that you would do the same.”
He is left without a word to utter. He didn’t know you had felt that way, he was unaware that you ached for similar sentiments. “I am willing to try.”
——————
And so you make your way home. He has not let go of your hand since you left the Teahouse There’s a silence between you two but this time it’s more of an understanding one. The village has fallen into a quiet bliss. The only sounds prevailing through the air are of shopkeepers closing up for the night, and some lingering civilians. You tuck a piece of your hair back behind your ear. You’ve both made the commitment to do better, but you wonder if he’ll truly keep his word. You hope that he does.
By the time you’ve returned to your room, you’re worn out, your bed is practically calling out for you. You sit down in front of the mirror, quickly wiping off the makeup and then struggling to remove some of the pins from your hair, you wince when one of them gets stuck.
A hand rests on your shoulder, almost hesitantly. “Calm down, you’ll only get it more tangled.” You drop your hands to your side, and to your surprise, he successfully removes the pin. “Thank you,” you mumble and hastily grab the hem of your dress and raise it slightly. You realize neither one of you has changed in front of the other. Maybe Bi-Han had, but if he did, he did so while you were asleep. His eyes widen briefly at the sight of you lifting your dress. “I’ll turn around,” he says hastily. You nod and continue to get changed before crawling into the bed, falling asleep mere seconds after your head hits the pillow.
Once he’s sure you’ve fallen asleep, he gets ready for bed. The reality of the agreement he’s made with you hits him. To properly bond he would realistically have to open up to you. Which appeared rather daunting. Which was pathetic of someone like him, if he’s being honest. Neither combat nor battle frightens him, but the prospect of bearing his heart to you does. He is never one to doubt himself, but he still wonders if he will be able to follow through. He supposes that only time will tell.
He gets into the bed and covers you with the blanket again, you had a bad habit of falling asleep without it or somehow getting it off of you in the middle of the night. Usually, he’d fall asleep facing away from you, maintaining a reasonable distance. Now he does face you. He hates how embarrassingly timid he is when it comes to granting you affection, it’s unbecoming of him. He is apprehensive, but his hand reaches out to touch your face, and his thumb gently caresses your cheek, he’s never felt something so soft. But you begin to stir and he immediately snatches his hand back. He longed for your touch but was weary of it all the same. And so he is caught off guard when you move in your sleep to be practically up against him. He pauses, part of him wants to shove you off of him. Yet would it be so wrong of him to savor the moment?
——————
“Did you escort Harumi back to her residence?”
“I did. What happened with Bi-Han and Y/N?” Tomas shrugged. “I tried to give them some privacy, but I think they were arguing out there.”
Kuai Liang sighed, he had hoped his brother had addressed his shortcomings this evening, not argue over it.
“But they left a little before we did, and I saw them walk away hand in hand.” Tomas smiled, “I think they’ll be okay.”
——————
Your eyes flutter open the next morning, you expect to be alone again. Yet you feel something draped across your body, and come to realize it’s Bi-Han’s arm. His breath gently brushes up against your cheek as he sleeps.
Chapter Text
You don’t know what you should do. If you move, you might wake him up.
It’s interesting to see him like this, you haven’t seen him so relaxed before, it always seemed as if he walked around with a scowl on his face or at the very least, a blank expression. His eyebrows were often furrowed, ever in a state of concern or disapproval. It almost caught you off guard not seeing that wrinkle on his forehead. You reach out gently to touch the spot, almost to check if this is real. Some part of you still believed you were dreaming, especially since you don’t remember falling asleep like this.
The second your fingertips are mere centimeters from him, he wakes up and grabs your hand, hard. You gasp and he immediately lets go before sitting up, “do not do that,” he scowls. You rub your hand sheepishly and look at him, ‘there is that familiar facial expression again.’ “I didn’t think you’d wake up,” you groan.
“Have you forgotten who I am? I’ve been trained to be hyper-aware of my surroundings since I was a child, I am not a light sleeper.”
“I didn’t think of it like that.” ‘So much for starting off on the right foot today.’
“I am rarely at ease, and you prodding at me does not help.”
So he wasn’t relaxed with you. You’re not totally surprised, you two have still only known each other for a limited time, however, you were beginning to grow fond of him.
His words do sting a little.
He watches you rubbing your hand, you appear… sad to him. He didn’t mean to snap like that. He wants to cringe at the guilt that begins to rear its ugly head again.“Give me your hand,” he commands. You place your hand in his and he holds it gently, turning it from one side to the other. It’s cold and there were a few bruises. He felt slightly embarrassed. You weren’t a threat to him, so why did he react like that? Maybe he wasn’t used to the intimacy. He did fall asleep rather close to you. It was uncharted territory for him.
“Give me a moment.” He goes to rummage through his drawer and pulls out some sort of ointment. You sit up before he takes your hand. He uses his fingertips to grab some of the ointment and puts it on your hand. He keeps his gaze focused on your hand and carefully massages it. Soon enough your hand begins to feel better. You watch him carefully, he’s concentrated. When he’s done he looks up and you both lock eyes before he looks away. “Does it feel any better?”
“It does,” you reach out your other hand and place it on his. “Thank you.”
“Consider it repaying a favor.” You seem confused for a moment but are reminded of how you tended to his arm. You smile briefly, you didn’t know he had appreciated that after he left so abruptly, but maybe you’d ask about it at a later time.
“I don’t mean to come off as rude, but I didn’t expect you to be here?” It was certainly well into the morning, practically noon.
‘Neither did I.’ “I am attempting to make amends.”
“Meaning?” His response didn’t quite answer your question.
“I failed to accompany you at the festivities in the village yesterday, but I will accompany you today.”
Only, if you’d still have him.
Some semblance of his being still resisted any attempts to get close to you, yet the desire for you had become increasingly evident. He couldn’t quite see ‘loving’ interactions occurring between you two, not now. And he couldn’t grasp the concept of using such interactions or the thought of it to drive him to improve in his endeavors yet. But he aches for your attention, he longs for you to desire him.
Perhaps he needs to alter his perspective. If he could manage to pursue these actions in a manner akin to a requirement, then it could be seen as a matter of fulfilling another responsibility. Partaking in conversation and activities with you as his wife, it was just another duty for him to maintain. That was manageable.
But even so, how would he properly associate with you? Prior he had only assumed that the main duty you’d serve as his wife, and him as your husband, was maintaining social etiquettes and producing an heir, eventually. But even when that was all he thought of his role as a husband, you managed to snake your way into his subconscious.
Your gentle determination to get closer to him, your adamantly kind nature, your beauty, it intrigued him. Did he entice you as well?
You watch him seem somewhat lost in thought. He was always so reserved when it came to you, it was difficult to pinpoint what he was ever thinking about. You’re pleasantly surprised that he’s brought up an offer of spending time with you. Thinking it over, some petty part of you wants to decline the proposition, but you aren’t going to throw away last night’s progress for the sake of frivolous revenge.
“Okay, let's get ready and we’ll be on our way.”
—------------------
You had never seen Bi-Han in casual clothing before, it was nearly unsettling. The sleepwear he was in this morning retained a dark shade, you felt like it was fitting for him. So this current informal attire was something to get used to. Yet you couldn’t deny that he appeared rather attractive like this. The tunic was a lighter color, the sleeves were cut just below his shoulders, leaving his muscles available for your eyes to feast over. The pants contrasted with the shirt, being a darker shade of gray.
Right now you wanted your morning tea. Did your husband even drink tea? You weren’t too knowledgeable on his eating preferences, he just seemed to eat whatever was in front of him at mealtimes.
He had followed you to the kitchen, leaning up against the wall and watching your every move as you walked about, searching for a teapot. You slid open a cabinet only to be met with the pot sitting on a shelf just out of your reach. You strain to reach the pot before Bi-Han puts a hand on your arm, “Stop struggling, I am able to reach it.” He hands it to you and you thank him. “I’ll make you a cup as well.”
“Sure.”
So he does like tea.
He doesn’t sit at the table but goes back to his spot up against the wall. You boil the water and throw the tea leaves into the pot. “Are you hungry?”
“No.”
“Okay.” You bite your lip, it won’t hurt to ask more questions, right? The conversations between you two tended to end as fast as they started. They were brief in nature. Well, all except that argument last night. Maybe he wouldn’t mind you talking more; he said he’d make the effort to engage with you. So you shall hold him to that.
“Are you sure? Wouldn’t you get hungry later on then?”
“If I do, I’ll take care of it.”
You shrug, “fine.” Pouring the tea into your cups, you make sure to blow on it before setting it on the table. Bi-Han quietly sits across from you. Usually, at dinner, he’d sit by your side so you wouldn’t really look at him much. He’d be in your peripheral vision, sure, but that didn’t count. It’s an entirely different ordeal when he sits directly across from you, his eyes are downturned towards the teacup. Slowly the steam subsides from drifting into the air.
You push your cups toward him, “can you cool down mine too? Only a bit.”
He obliges and stares down at his own cup again for what feels like too long. You don’t know what he’s thinking about. He was such a mystery to decipher. It promoted the ever-looming feeling of discomfort. Perhaps today could help remedy that?
“You know, I barely know anything about you.”
“Likewise.”
“Then let’s get to actually know each other, like you promised. I don’t want to spend my life with a stranger.”
He nods his head, he can understand your sentiment. He’ll fulfill his responsibility.
“Okay, where were you when you heard the news of our betrothal?”
“Other than whispers of it at clan meetings, I was in my
bedroom when my parents came in and broke the news to me.”
He takes a small sip of his tea, “and how did you react?”
You pause, “I assume you’re a man who admires honesty. I was nervous.”
He raises an eyebrow, but as if he’s amused at you, “And why is that?”
You resist the urge to roll your eyes. “As if you don’t know.”
“Enlighten me.”
You shoot him an annoyed look while you place your cup down. “Well, future Grandmaster, you must be skilled in reading people. So I’d assume you know why.”
“A very observant claim. And of course, you found it nerve-wracking at the prospect of spending out your days in the presence of my power.”
You cross your arms, was he teasing you on purpose? “Yes, that’s correct, it wasn’t as If my husband-to-be appeared like he could care less. Then suddenly at the engagement, he looked at me like he wanted to drive a stake through my chest.”
Memories of betrothal discussions flash through your mind. His indifference would twist into eyes of vile disdain. Anxiety would rise up within you back then for days on end, and a twinge of it emerged now. Why had you blurted all that out? Perhaps you would have spoken on such a topic if you two had reached a higher level of companionship. But the trepidation of what you had just uttered is calmed when your husband does not appear angered.
Bi-Han can’t help himself. He is slightly satisfied that he was able to evoke a sense of fear within you when you two had first met. Yet that sense of satisfaction derives itself from a point in time where he did not care for you, you had been akin to an inconvenience in his mind and the fact that you had looked upon him as if he were some sort of beast only drove his ego. However, had you felt that way about him currently, well, he would be displeased.
Your husband appears contemplative to you, tapping his finger against the table, miniscule shards of ice emerge where his finger hits the table. “And what am I in your eyes now?”
You take a moment to think it over, “I think I’ll have a concrete answer at the end of the day. My turn to ask the questions.” Thoughts run through your mind as you debate on what to bring up. Maybe it would be helpful to start at the beginning.
“What was life like growing up? From what I’ve heard and seen, I assume it was intense.”
Bi-Han tilted his head. “Perhaps, yes. I didn’t like it when I was very young, but I consider it a blessing now.”
You rest your head in the palm of your hand and take in the sight of his well-sculpted arms and broad shoulders. “It must’ve been a lot of hard work, I wouldn’t know if I’d be able to maintain that.”
“Discipline from a young age is essential and the work required of any Lin Keui, anything less is unworthy of the title.” You frown slightly, but quickly catch yourself.
His childhood was laden with heavy burdens: strict schedules, relentless training, and endless lessons. It helped refine him. He’d never admit it, but it was exhausting at times. he’d take solace in the moments he’d be able to elude it all. Fleeting memories dance within his mind. Memories of a time when perhaps he was a bit happier, when he was kinder, when his view of the realm wasn’t so cold.
But that was long ago, things were different now.
“You acknowledge that our child will endure a similar upbringing.” His face seems serious when he says it. To be honest, since the wedding night, you haven’t even thought about producing an heir. The idea of it always felt like a distant afterthought, something you could push off thinking about.
Your childhood was not as strenuous as your husband’s, so the thought that your own child would have to deal with such burdens frightened you.
Your husband’s face appears analytical and you sigh “I understand how a child would be raised here, but surely there were moments of rest or enjoyment? I feel as if that’d be a concern of mine, it would be for any mother, correct?”
Bi-Han’s jaw tenses slightly and you fear you may have struck a nerve. You’ve never heard him mention his mother. You are aware that she passed many years ago, but nothing more than that. You are about to change the subject when your husband speaks up once more.
“My mother gave me the pleasure of tending to me when I needed her. You will be allowed to do the same.”
You nod your head slowly. He was quite vague, so you decide it may be best to halt your questioning about the subject. Just then your stomach grumbles and you clear your throat, slightly embarrassed. Bi-Han leans forward onto the table, “If you’re hungry, go eat. Do not wait for my sake.” You pick a piece of fruit from the bowl sitting on the table and take a small bite. “I was going to make soup for myself later since it’s been getting colder.”
His interest is piqued.“Which kind?”
You rest your chin on your hand, “I’m not sure yet.”
He appears contemplative, “chicken and mushroom is satiating.”
You smile, “I can make that.”
—------------------
You needed some ingredients, and you had informed your husband of that. He offered to retrieve them while you remained at home, but you reminded him of his vow today. So here you are, walking about in the village with him. It’s oddly domestic. You make sure to savor this moment. The village is still lively today, reeling down from the prior festivities.
Bi-Han’s hand is wrapped around yours while you two walk into the marketplace, you move your hand and it feels as if your husband held on for a moment too long. “I only need a few things.” “Go ahead,” and so you begin your search. You stop at different vendors, weaving through the marketplace to acquire your needed Ingredients. Your husband follows closely behind, paying for whatever you happen to grab.
Bi-Han likes watching you operate. These tasks are simple, yet you seem entirely focused. Your eyebrows furrow and you slightly purse your lips when you examine a vegetable before happily tossing it into your bag. He found it somewhat endearing. Since when did he think of you like that? He shakes his head to himself and looks back up to keep an eye on you. You were moving through the shops with ease, and he was keen on not losing you in the crowd. His eyes narrow when a man comes up to you to speak.
It’s easy to decipher when an individual comes up to you for genuine inquiries, versus when they would have ulterior intentions. A few of them were nervous, he could tell by the way they failed to maintain eye contact or tripped over their words. On the other hand, some seemed all too confident in their approach.
He didn’t know if you acted so kindly just to get a rise out of him or if you truly were oblivious. The desire to rip those men apart was present, but he could maintain his cool. So instead he would hover closer to you and shoot a distasteful glare at anyone whom he deemed a nuisance. His hand would hover over the small of your back. He longed to move his hand only an inch closer but the realization that he’s never touched you there before keeps such an act at bay.
You can practically feel his eyes starting a hole through the back of your head whenever those types of interactions occur. Yet you pretend not to notice.
Your bags fill up quickly and keep both of your hands occupied. Suddenly, Bi-Han takes them out of your hands.“Thank you,” you respond, only to hear a grunt in response. “I think I have everything, we may head back.” He nods and leads you back, keeping a small pace ahead of you. You quietly follow along, glancing at his form again before keeping your eyes trained on the path ahead. The trip itself was brief and unimportant, but even so, you appreciated his company.
—------------------
You were decent, but you were not an accomplished cook. You had merely helped your mother in making the soup on occasion, so you prayed that you remembered the recipe well enough.
Bi-Han hovered nearby as you set the ingredients out in front of you. You looked at him and then back at the needed items. He seemed so focused on your every move. Cooking for yourself was one thing, but preparing food for another was an uncertain affair. You hoped you would not disappoint.
Your knife slices through the meat, “you’re making me nervous.”
Bi-Han crossed his arms, “how?”
“You’re watching me like you’re about to tally points for an exam.”
“I’m curious as to how you prepare it, I’m simply observing.”
You motion over to the rest of the ingredients on the table, “doing triumphs observing.”
He wants to counter your claim, but something within him quiets the retort. He grabs some of the vegetables you’ve put aside and creates a precise blade of ice. He finds himself enjoying slicing through the needed components. The precision in maintaining a consistent width is something he’s keen on.
The atmosphere in the kitchen is calm. And you again take silent delight at the domestic feel. Soon enough you’ve thrown every ingredient into the pot on the stove and you both quietly clean up. “It’ll take a while to cook.” You catch sight of an exit to the kitchen that leads out into a quaint veranda. Bi-Han follows your gaze and starts towards it, you follow him and sit down on the bench. Dusk has already arrived and you close your eyes, taking in a deep breath. Your husband is leaning up against a wooden beam so you gently pat the open spot next to you. Not a word leaves his mouth but he obliges to your request. You want to hold his hand, but instead, you hook your arm around his. You can feel him tense up. You try to drown out the sense of slight disappointment, was he still so opposed to your touch? Still, he hasn’t pulled away so you don’t breach the topic.
He wants to wrap an arm around you, draw you nearer to him, but you beat him to it when your arm wraps around his, and before he knows it your head is resting against his shoulder.
Your fingertips gently trace up his forearm to his bicep. His arm tenses just enough for you to notice but the more time that passes, the more relaxed he becomes. You don’t know how long you repeat the motion, lost in the serene ambiance that accompanies you both this evening.
Bi-Han has rarely allowed himself a simple pleasure like this. Your effortless touch has indulged an unspoken desire of his.
“You’re strong.”
He glances down towards you, you seem so small compared to him. “Of course I am.”
You let out a small laugh “Yes, but I am increasingly reminded of it when I look at your physique.” Your nails gently run down his arm and he feels the hair on the back of his neck rise. You turn your face to look up at him, you’re both rather close. He is inclined to look away, turn from the object of his temptations, but you draw him in nonetheless. For once, he wants to lean forward ever so slightly, but the opportunity evades him when you turn away.
Your heart is beating fast, you haven’t gotten this close to him before. “I have to go to check the soup.” You stand up quickly. And although he mourns the loss of your touch, he lets you go.
You return to the kitchen, stirring the pot while attempting to cool yourself down.
‘What was that?’ Both of you are left slightly surprised at the sense of longing that has seeped into the two of you, unbeknownst to the other.
—------------------
He remained outside. Against his own perceived notions, he had enjoyed today.
You continued the task of preparing the soup, carefully pouring it into a bowl for each of you before placing it on the table. The chill in the air reaches you as you venture out to retrieve your husband. He hasn’t spoken since you went back to the kitchen, keeping his eyes trained on the sky above.
“Bi-Han, the soup is done.”
He turns back to look at you, the moonlight is illuminating your face. Your eyes hold a softness within them that he finds himself yearning for. “I’ll be there.” He turns his back towards you again. You could nag him, but you find yourself placing a hand on his shoulder instead, “Come on.” Something unspoken lays between you two, but he doesn’t utter a word. His hand just barely brushes up against yours as if he meant to pat it. He gets up and sits at the table. You resume your place across from him.“Try it. I’m not promising anything amazing, but something decent.” You push the bowl towards him and cross your arms on the table, anticipating his response.
He takes a sip, it’s somewhat bitter, more savory. It reminds him of his mother’s meals. She wasn’t the best cook. Yet when it came to him and his brother, she wanted to ensure at least one meal of the day was of her hands. His mother was strict, and dedicated to the stern and rigorous ways of Lin Keui.
But still, she loved him in her own way. Whether it was ensuring he ate well, binding up his wounds from training, or staying by his side as he fell asleep. The loss of his mother and its repercussions haunted him. No matter how many days, weeks, or years went by, there would always be something rendering his life incomplete. But here, even if it’s just for a moment, the burden of evading her memory is lifted. He allows himself to be taken back to a simpler time.
You eat the soup in silence with him. Any attempt to obtain feedback on your cooking lies unspoken on your tongue. You are eager to ask, but something about him seems relaxed. Genuinely relaxed. So you decide you’ll wait for him to voice his opinions, but that never comes.
He finishes the meal quietly.
“Y/N?”
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
—------------------
To be honest, you don’t even like chicken and mushroom soup that much. You wouldn’t have chosen to make it, but you decide that he doesn’t need to know that. It’ll remain your secret.
—------------------
You both retire to your quarters soon after, taking solace in a newfound sense of familiarity.
You both are yet to change in front of one another, but that’s not at the forefront of your mind. You’re content with the fact that you’ve chipped away at part of the invisible wall that resides between you both.
The bed seems softer today, and more welcoming. And you know it’s because your husband has finally come to bed with you. Under the comforting veil of night, you dare to lay facing him and he returns the sentiment. For now, he allows himself the quaint pleasure of being able to look at you without loathsome yearning.
You made him feel odd, dragging him out of his usual state of being to the point where it slightly unnerved him. The realization clawed its way to the forefront of his brain; that as the day went on, he didn’t find being in your company as a responsibility to be fulfilled. Your presence was comforting.
You were tired. Your eyes start to feel heavy before a knock sounds at the door. “Who is that?”
Bi-Han gets up, ignoring your question, and goes off to speak to someone in the hallway. You can barely make out the words being exchanged, but suddenly you’re watching your husband move about the room. You avert your eyes when he gets changed, although you do sneak a glance this time. You snap out of it when he’s grabbing his mask. Your feet scramble to get out of bed and catch him when he gets to the door. Your hand grasps his forearm.
“Wait! You have to leave now?”
“Yes.” You intake a sharp breath of air, and he seems to notice your startled state. “What?” He says in a more lighthearted tone than you’re used to, “Did you foolishly assume the Lin Keui only operated in the morning?”
“No…” You took a deep breath. You’d expect him to pull away from you and leave, but he didn’t. It seemed like he was waiting for you to lift your hand. You’ve never seen him off like this. You knew this was part of what he did, what their clan did, and still a part of you felt worried. You looked up to meet his gaze, his eyes expressed more than his mouth ever could. When you first met him, you found his eyes to be cold and calculating, but something was different now.
“Be safe.” You said softly. Your hand gently finds its way down to his before you pull away. He gives you a small nod and moves to go out the door. You see him pause and think that maybe he’s forgotten something. But before you can ask he returns to you, grabbing your wrist and pulling you forward. He leans down and hastily places a kiss on your forehead, “I’ll return soon.” And like that, he’s off.
You watch him leave and wonder how such a simple interaction could evoke so much warmth within you.
Chapter Text
You went back to bed after Bi-Han left. Or at least, you tried to get some sleep. You didn’t realize you’d be so worried for him in that moment. But he would be fine, wouldn’t he? He was Lin Keui after all. Still, irrational as it may be, you were concerned. Even so, the logical part of your brain told you that your husband would return sooner rather than later.
—————
Well, you were wrong. It had been days, almost a week had passed. Your anxiety was growing with each day that went by. You couldn’t comprehend how everyone else seemed at ease. You went about trying to adhere to your regular routine, but at times it was difficult to focus. Remembering simple protocols became difficult. Your execution during training lessons was lackluster. Your instructors had noticed the shift in your performance but you had a suspicion that your father-in-law prevented them from fully reprimanding you as of late.
You longed to reach out to Bi-Han and figure out how he was doing. Yet contact was minimal in order to maintain the confidential and secretive nature of the Lin Keui. The Grandmaster had stated that unless a serious incident had occurred, you were advised to not reach out to your husband.
You considered going out, perhaps visiting your family. Yet you were advised against doing so at the moment. And to be honest, you were troubled by the idea of Bi-Han returning when you weren’t at home.
Since when did such a thought bother you so much?
While waiting for the days to go by you realized that you hadn’t gotten to know many individuals around the clan’s grounds. You knew your in-laws. Technically you could be called acquaintances with your tutors and perhaps a few other staff and clan members. If Bi-Han was going to become the Grandmaster and you would stand by his side, you figured establishing a good rapport with as many clan members as possible would prove helpful. So you had begun to venture about the estate, greeting individuals you’ve yet to put a name to. Most would be respectful, but brief as they had responsibilities they needed to attend to, and you assumed your chatting would be a bit burdensome.
A good number of the other clan members were married, and you had run into their spouses here and there. You didn’t mean to, but the more you spoke with some of them, you ended up working into the conversation how you were worried the longer your husband was off on a mission. They always responded with assurance, that the feeling was normal, and that it would fade the more you got used to it. But here you are, sometime later with the same tension constricting your chest to the point that you’d wake up in a panic in the middle of the night.
If you had known that you’d have to endure such loneliness and worry regularly, would you have agreed to the marriage? Well, even if you had known, you doubt that the full gravity of the lifestyle would dawn on you back then. And frankly, denying the betrothal request would cause tension and misfortune in your family’s clan. So really, you wouldn’t have had a choice either way.
You decide not to dwell on that too much and glance at the books at your bedside. You were quickly getting through the stack. Especially since you had only recently begun spending time with your husband, and once you two had spent proper time with one another, he was called away. Reading had then become a solace of sorts from the loneliness. Maybe you could get some new books soon? Your eyes then drift to the flowers, they were starting to wither.
Would Bi-Han get you new flowers? Would he accompany you to the market? You wonder when he’ll be back. Maybe you two could spend some time together again.
Goodness, here you go again. Since that day you spent together, you had gotten into a habit of somehow circling nearly all your thoughts back to him. What was wrong with you? Had your husband really planted a place so firmly in your heart?
In truth, he has, and his absence makes your heart ache. You feel like a forlorn, lovesick teenager.
A sigh escapes you as you fall back onto your bed. Your hand makes its way to his pillow, snatching it from its untouched spot and into your arms. You hug it close to your chest.
Bi-Han truly wasn’t as bad as you thought he was. You did consider him a brute at first, but your interactions slowly started to break down that constructed image you had of him. Yes, he was stern, he could be blunt, and avoidant. But he had begun to show a side of himself you found endearing. He could appear so contemplative and protective. He was always so gentle when holding your hand. You even missed his prideful banter.
And you missed catching glimpses of his eyes. They had gone from a shade too ominous and void, to something entirely warmer. Dark and enchanting.
You took a deep breath, squeezing the pillow a little closer to you. He kissed your forehead before he left and you still linger on that action of his. You wonder if he’d kiss your cheek when he comes back.
You ghost your fingertips over your lips. You wonder what his lips taste like.
—————-
The mission had proved exhausting, every time they came upon a point of completion, they’d be met with more strife brewing elsewhere. To the point where Lui Kang required their consistent assistance and they had ended up all the way in Outworld, dealing with a small group whose practice in stirring up trouble had spilled into Earthrealm. Of course, Lui Kang had kept the peace during the ordeal and resolved any issues with the aid of Empress Sindel. But this wasn’t the first time that a situation like this had occurred, and he assumed it wouldn’t be the last. Pursuing consistent negotiations for the sake of peace sometimes began to feel futile to him.
On occasion, he wished they could take a more aggressive approach to assert their stance.
Then there was the issue of brewing tensions between surrounding clans, disagreements amongst them, and some disdain still lingered over his marriage to you. Of course, he hadn't brought that up to you, nor does he intend to. There would be no reason to stress you out over matters he could quickly stomp out on his own.
Despite all these occurrences, and his outward dedication to addressing them, these neverending missions had been dethroned at the forefront of his mind more often than he was willing to admit. You had been running through his mind all week. The thought of you had been distracting him and while he was on a mission no less.
Detestable of him really.
Had this happened weeks ago he would want to return home to wring your neck for causing him to lose focus. But it was different now.
He found it enjoyable to think of you.
It gave him something to look forward to. Someone to return home to.
He wondered if you had eaten properly, if you had rested enough, had you kept up with your training?
Did you miss him?… he missed you. He missed your playfulness, he missed your gentleness, he missed how increasingly lovely you had looked before he left. He felt as if he had grown closer to you before his departure. Would he be able to pick up where he left off with you?
He hopes so.
So as the group makes their way back under his lead, he can't help but find himself pondering. He wonders what would’ve happened that night if he didn’t have to leave. For the first time in a long time, he wishes he hadn’t left at all.
He wonders if you realized how enticing you looked. With eyes looking up at him so innocently at the veranda, and lips that looked oh so soft. Or when you had laid down in the bed. Did you not realize how effortlessly alluring you looked? Your hair tousled, your nightgown bunching up at the curve of your hips and exposing part of your thigh. He really can only imagine what else could have happened that night if he had been more forward. It’s laughable that the only time he is unable to advance forward is when it comes to you.
Consummating the marriage had still been a thought that seldom crossed his mind, but now it had started to creep up frequently. Oddly enough, had you two made use of the marriage bed that first night, he would’ve found it easier to complete that responsibility. He would be detached, acting upon crude necessity.
Again, it was different now.
Now there were emotions that entangled him. Concerns on whether his performance would live up to your unknown expectations. Worries about how you’d respond to his touch. Perturbation on how it would change him. It was all uncharted territory.
He didn’t have an extensive insight into matters of that kind. His experience in that area was somewhat lacking.
He honestly never gave it much thought, he was always too focused on his responsibilities and any tasks at hand to be caught up in lust to the extent of seeking it out at the risk of his honor. Had he struggled at all in the past, he’d take care of it himself. That is how he went about it as an adult.
His responsibilities within the Lin Keui came first, as they always have. Or at least he would attempt to adhere to that standard. He found himself faltering to maintain that status quo when he was young.
Although discouraged, it was known that sometimes members of the Lin Keui would sneak off to a nearby brothel and ‘fulfill their needs’. When he was younger, curiosity had gotten the best of him and his brothers, leading them to sneak off just to see what all the excitement was about. They had just barely infiltrated the establishment through a side entrance when they were promptly caught, kicked out, and sent home to a furious father who had punished them all severely.
Other than that, there was a point long ago where Kuai Liang had convinced him to sneak out and meet a few girls during the Qixi Festival. Kuai Liang had an easier time interacting with them, while he himself was more reserved. And then Tomas had tagged along. Tomas appeared much younger at the time compared to Kuai Liang and himself, so the girls found him ‘adorable’ as they had put it. He didn’t see the point in entertaining them at that time. One of the girls there did take a liking to him, she looked visually pleasing. She kept trying to hold his attention but he barely kept up conversation as chatter spewed out of her mouth in an attempt to keep him engaged. She even kissed him at the end of the night. It felt awkward and she had secured a strong hold on his neck, he hesitated to place his hands on her but kissed back as best as he knew how. However, he pulled away when he felt her tongue poke at his lips. He attempted to maintain his composure until they departed that evening. On his way home with his brothers, he frequently wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. All those love stories his mother and Kuai Liang would go on about made it seem like a first kiss was a life-changing experience. They were clearly wrong as that had not changed his life for the better. Kuai Liang teased him, saying that he was better with the girls, meanwhile, Tomas lamented that he hadn’t gotten any such tokens of affection.
Now that was all the experience he had recalled. It made him wonder what your past was like. He tries not to think of it, but the thought that you may have had romantic interactions in the past made him burn with envy.
If you had past lovers, he would make sure to surpass them in every manner.
—————-
Kuai Liang and Tomas know their brother. He is cold and harsh in nature, much like the power he was blessed with. But they are quick to catch Bi-Han smiling to himself when he thinks no one is watching.
—————-
They stop at a village on the trek home. Bi-Han is not such a cruel leader that he’d push his forces so far when the mission has already been completed. He allows them an opportunity to catch their breath. The stop is brief and he rests against the brick wall of a building. His eyes scan his surroundings when they come to a halt. Kuai Liang and Tomas seem preoccupied. He cannot tell what they are speaking about, so he makes his way to them.
“What about that one?” Tomas says.
“No, I’ve already bought this one. This suits her best.” Kuai Liang responds.
Bi-Han furrows his eyebrows, who were they speaking about? “What did you buy?”
Kuai Liang smiles and holds up a golden hairpin, “the red jewel at the center reminds me of Harumi, fierce and passionate, I’m sure she’ll like it.”
Tomas smiles “Always the romantic.”
Bi-Han eyes the gift briefly. Was he supposed to get you something as well? What color did you even like? He regrets not asking you before.
There’s a slight shame that emerges within him, he has failed to get to know you well within these past weeks. He will have to atone for his shortcomings.
So he slips away; just briefly to examine whatever the shop has to offer. His eyes travel over the array of pieces, trailing over them all until he sees a simple silver chain harboring a blue jewel in its center. Blue was his choice of color, but it simultaneously reminded you of him, calm and sincere.
Before he knows it, he’s made the purchase and he continues on his way.
—————-
The sun has begun its descent and the moon begins to rise in its place. And so another day has passed without your husband. Or so you had thought. You had returned to your room after a meal. Rummaging through your belongings to pull out a woven shawl. The seasons have begun to shift and so the once manageable cold of the locale has become quite unbearable. You finally locate one suitable to your needs and toss it onto your bed. Now if you could only find warmer nightwear.
“Wife.”
The sound startles you and you quickly stand to your feet. When had he returned? You weren’t expecting him at this moment. You finally get a good look at him as he stands in the doorway. He is handsome as always. His mask is off, and he appears stoic. Yet you catch a look in his eyes that comes off as a mix of weary and longing. You want to hug him, should you? Would he reciprocate it? You don’t know. So you fail to move forward and instead shoot him a small smile, “Bi-Han, I’m glad you’re home.”
“As am I.”
His body is crying out in exhaustion, all he wants to do is unwind, but the eagerness to show you his gift takes precedence over that. His hand searches through his pocket to pull out a silver chain adorned with a gem of sapphire. He motions for you to come to the front of the mirror and you oblige. “Try this on.” He carefully places the necklace in your hands and you attempt to get it on, but the hook is giving you trouble. Your husband waits but a few moments before taking the two ends of the necklace within his fingers. You slide your hair to the side, so he’s better able to hook the chain. His fingers are cold against your warm skin and he leans in slightly, making his breath tickle the back of your neck. Your shoulders slightly tense. When the necklace is secure his hands move to rest by the crook of your neck, looking at your reflection in the mirror. He’s never touched you there before.
The shade of blue suits you. You hold the jewel between your thumb and index finger briefly, smiling at your reflection. It rested just at the valley between your breasts. The way your chest rose and fell as you breathed only exuded a greater sense of allure to him. You were focused on the necklace, so much so that you were caught off guard when he bent down and quickly placed a kiss on the side of your neck. “You look good,” he mumbled just barely above a whisper. He quickly turns around and makes his way out the door. You would go after him but you felt frozen in place, your cheeks heating up, and your heart beating hard.
——————
He didn’t even mean to do that. But your skin felt so soft, your fragrance hinted at scents of lotuses and lilies. The dim lighting illuminated your exposed skin in such a way that it ignited something within him, and yet he couldn’t bring himself to fully act on it.
So he flees the scene and pushes away any thoughts of embarrassment. His body is used to brutal conditions, but even he longs for undisturbed relaxation on rare occasions. Despite his cryomancy, he is keen on a hot bath. The warm water is soothing to his aching muscles and welcoming to his pains. He lets out a long sigh and closes his eyes. He hopes you like the necklace, it’s not much but it is something. He hasn’t had the desire to shower anyone with gifts before, but you may be slowly changing his mind.
The sound of a hesitant knock pulls him out of his state of relaxation. He snaps his head towards the private bathhouse's entrance. You stand there tentatively in the doorway. “What are you doing here? Go back to your room, now,” he scolds.
The steam emanating from the hot water twirls around the room, keeping the image of one another rather obscured.
“You didn’t close the door all the way and I heard the water running,” you say sheepishly. “I was going to ask if you wanted help. I can tell you’re tired.” You just wanted to be around him, he left quickly, and he took longer than you anticipated to return. You yearned to satiate your loneliness.
He was tired, but he wouldn’t say it. “How would you even help me?”
“I can wash your hair,” you respond and lean up against the frame of the entrance. You hope he accepts your offer.
Bi-Han contemplates it for a moment, he supposes it would save him the hassle… and he did long for your presence. “Fine, you may enter, but watch your eyes.” You stifle a laugh as you walk forward. “What do you find so amusing?” he asks with an annoyed expression. “Nothing, nothing.” He had no reason to worry, you wouldn’t peak. You pull up a chair and sit behind him. “Lean back a bit, please.” He heeds your request and you begin massaging his scalp with the needed products.
Now this was relaxing. He did feel rather self-conscious earlier. He was taking a bath so he was entirely exposed, but that worry melted away as your hands worked what he might equate to magic. They were slow and methodical, releasing the tension that constricted his skull. And so he finds himself serene enough to close his eyes once more.
You’re close to him again, this is probably the longest that you’ve seen him with his hair down. “You look good with your hair down,” you say softly. “Oh, do I?” he responds just above a whisper. You exhale lightly, “you do.” You continue in silence, for how long, you wouldn't know.
But you do know that you appreciate every second of it. For once, you finally feel at ease. You’ve once again reached that brief moment of domestic bliss.
You run your fingers through his hair, it’s softer than you thought it’d be.
Your eyes trail down the sight of his neck and upper back. Scars riddle the skin that is visible to you, some more faint than others. You assume they were obtained in training and battle. In moments like these, the full weight of Lin Keui’s ways bear down on you. There is honor to it, but at a greater cost to oneself. And you know it’s his duty, it’s the way of the clan you married into, yet your heart clenches at the thought of it.
The scars that adorn his body are many and you can’t help but lean forward to press your fingertips along one. The scar is extensive, nearly a clear cut minus a few jagged edges. Your fingertips graze along the expanse of the mark and you swear you feel him shudder against your touch.
“Do any of these still hurt?”
“No, none of them.”
“They must have hurt when you got them.”
“Yes, but I am grateful for it.”
You don’t respond, being grateful to retain such pain bewilders you. Bi-Han notices your lack of response. “It taught me discipline and is proof that I’ve survived prior ordeals. That is all.”
You take that as a note not to continue with further questions, at least for now. Your eyes fall to his bicep, “Your wound from last time is healing.” He opens his eyes briefly to glance at his arm before closing them again. “I appreciate your aid that night.” You smile slightly to yourself.
“Lean forward.” Bi-Han obliges and you get a basin of water to wash his hair. His eyes remain closed as you gently pour it on him. His wet hair sticks to the front of his face, obscuring his eyes. The image of such an intimidating man in front of you like this, causes you to let out a laugh.
He moves his hair out from in front of his eyes. He’s about to snap at you and ask what you’re laughing about. Yet he retains a moment of pause. You’re laughing, and it’s the carefree laugh that he’s been yearning for since you two had married. The one you had so openly shared with others. You’ve finally graced him with the pleasure of hearing it on his own. So he doesn’t stop you, instead, he takes hold of your hand and brings your fingertips to his lips. He presses a chaste kiss to them before letting go.
“Thank you.” He leans forward, crossing his arms and resting against the edge of the tub.
You smile faintly and sit on the rim of the bathtub. You’re slightly anxious, but work up the courage to hastily move his hair to the side and press a kiss to his forehead in a rather bashful manner. “Thank you for spending time with me.”
You see his mouth twitch into a smile for a brief second, and you are content.
The room begins to become even more humid.
But something is holding you back from leaving, tension has building up in the pit of your stomach and it’s causing your heart to tremble within your chest. So you remain there, inches away from him.
Your perfume makes him feel dizzy with increasing desire. The world around him begins to fade into silence, and the only thing that he can hear is your shallow breathing.
Your breath mingles with his.
And neither one knows who leaned in first.
But his hand rests on the back of your neck and your lips have collided with his. They are rough, tasting like the tea you once shared with him.
And you’ve never kissed anyone like this before.
Desperation and longing seep into the way your mouths move against each other. His heart has begun to pound against his ribcage and he wonders if yours has too. Your lips are softer than he could have ever anticipated, and the moment they break away from his, he silently mourns.
Heat has risen to your cheeks and you look away briefly, smiling to yourself and slowly getting up. “Goodnight Bi-Han.”
He takes a shaky breath. How unlike him. What have you done to him?
“Goodnight, Y/N.”
Chapter Text
Bi-Han had gotten far too used to you now.
Since that night when you washed his hair, the taste of your lips lingered on his. It’s as if you’d cast some spell on him. He sought you in quiet moments of the day when no one else was around but you and him. Exchanging discrete touches, stealing kisses, and nothing more.
He inched closer to you every night as you retired to bed. You opted to wake up earlier. A chaste kiss was shared before he departed in the morning, followed by a fervent one before bed each night.
Every day that went by brought you closer to him.
Yet it still left much to be desired. The longing for more of you was present, but it seemed all too difficult to proceed as he hoped. Something seemed to always pull you two apart. Whether it was you pulling away from a kiss far too soon for his liking or him being dragged away to serve Earthrealm. Or maybe on occasion, it was his own apprehension.
He did appreciate the kiss of goodbye you would gift him before he’d depart. Which these days, was more often than he preferred. But he tells himself that it’s not only for Earthrealm’s safety but yours as well.
And maintaining your safety was of the utmost importance to him. He’d strictly insist that you remain within the Lin Kuei’s walls, and when he did, he could see the disappointment in your eyes. Yet it was for your own good. He was sure that you were aware of the fact that your position was highly coveted. So slowly but surely, whispers and retaliation of your marriage clawed their way to the Lin Kuei. But he would not allow anyone from the surrounding clans to advocate or force your removal.
Still, they were becoming more of a nuisance than he had initially anticipated.
Many clans had approached the Grandmaster with offerings of their daughters for marriage; greedy and willing to sacrifice their kin as a bargaining chip in exchange for the Lin Kuei’s protection and loyalty. Although, what right did he have to think that way? His own father had so quickly arranged his marriage for the sake of greater resources for the clan’s advancement and well-being. He knew it was tradition, and he was nothing if not a product of his clan’s laws and heritage. But still, he wondered if his mother would have made him abide by such a standard.
Either way, when you had married there were already unhappy whispers dancing throughout the other clans. With tensions brewing he urged your instructors to intensify your training as time went on, just in case things went south. Other than the blatant conflicts they’ve had to shut down, he had instances where they’ve caught suspicious characters lurking nearby the Lin Kuei’s estate.
He wouldn’t worry you about all that. He’d manage that burden on his own.
Usually, he’d be eager to use the skills he has been taught. His bloodlust is greater than he’s let anyone take note of. But when it came to you, these conflicts concerned him. He found no pleasure in engaging in disputes that may put you at risk. It causes his heart to become anxious like he needs to wipe out any threat to you the second it arises.
That’s why he is always leaving you. Your time spent together has been cut short so often because he needs to take care of you in this way.
———————-
For now, he sits at the bedside, his body is tired, but he is eager to spend time in your company.
He glances at your flowers and gently plucks a petal off of one of them, he’d need to pick you new ones soon. These were clearly dead, yet he found it slightly endearing that you kept it around. One night he had seen you pluck some of the flowers off of their buds and place them into one of your books. He never cared for flower pressing, but he did find it somewhat gratifying that you’d preserve his gift in such a way.
His eyes then fall to the books. You had a decent stack of them resting at your bedside. You came off as an avid reader. When he’d return home from his work, he would find you engrossed with your novel more often than not. He wonders what type of books you like. He supposes that you wouldn’t mind him flipping through them.
Oh, how he wishes he hadn’t. You had a type of literature you were fond of and he’s not surprised. Most of the women he knew of had a preference for romance. However, he did not expect your novels to delve into such explicit situations.
What type of filth were you reading??
You often maintained such a monotone look while you read, so he never would assume you could be reading things of that nature.
He toyed at the collar around his neck. Were those actions what you desired of a man? Did you think of anyone while you read those novels? Have you already indulged in such actions with another? Or did you want to try them at all? He was right beside you when you read in the evenings. In his opinion, you had ample opportunity to initiate anything if you so desired. However, you two never went farther than a kiss. And it has been some time now since your first one. A slight feeling of unease settled within his chest. He could be the one to advance your relationship if he really wanted to.
What was holding him back?
The distinct sound of your footsteps approaching snap him out of his thoughts, so he clears his throat and sets the books back in place as if they were yet to be touched.
You rounded the corner with a smile on your face, as beautiful as always. “Husband, will you walk with me to the dining hall?”
He narrows his eyes slightly, “yes.” He gets up and steals one more glance at the books before he walks with you there. He maintains his regular demeanor. As you keep up the pace by his side, your hand slowly slips into his. He allows it and gently tightens his grip on your hand. You keep your eyes trained on the path ahead, but he can’t help stealing glances at you. Your hair was neatly tied back. A few strands always managed to escape but it felt fitting for you. The necklace he’d gotten you has taken up permanent residence on your neck, he knows you are wearing it before he even looks. The pin in your hair is simple, but he wonders if you’d want one to match your necklace. He’s sure he’d be able to find one with a jewel similar in color to that of your necklace.
———————-
Dinner went as per usual. These days your father-in-law would direct his conversation to his sons, leaving you a silent listener at the table. They spoke about their missions and their current affairs. As the matriarch-to-be, you should have been attentive to the conversation. But you often found yourself zoning out. You weren’t included in conversations of this nature that often outside the dinner table, so it made it difficult to engage properly.
But today was different. A calculated list of questions descended upon you. Inquiries on if you’ve been sleeping well and how many hours per night, how consistent you are with training, and if you’ve been eating properly.
You were confused for a moment, you appreciated the Grandmaster’s concern, but it felt nearly invasive. Still, you don’t think much of it until he speaks up once again.
“If all is well, I assume an heir will be conceived soon.”
You nearly choke on your food and begin to cough a bit. Tomas pushes your cup of water towards you. ‘So that was what all the questioning was about.’ You were not ready to have a child, not yet. And you were yet to even sleep with your husband. You seem frozen in place, not knowing how to respond. Thankfully your husband comes to your aid.
“We will inform you when the time comes, father.”
Bi-Han eyes you briefly and you look back down at your plate. That would be a different topic for you two to breach at a different time.
———————-
You’re off to bathe before bed. The warm water is soothing in the midst of the cold weather. Bi-Han is tempted to ask if he could join you. Yet he cannot find the words to do so. Matters of the heart have bested him far more than those of the battlefield. So he finds himself in his secondary place of pain and comfort of the training grounds. More training was beneficial. Unfortunately, he hadn’t anticipated Tomas or Kuai Liang to be present. They seemed more engaged in their conversation than the light sparring they partook in. What exactly were they talking about?
“Did you see his face?”
‘Who’s face?’ Bi-Han debates on whether or not he should ask, but before he is given the pleasure of deciding, Tomas spots him. “Bi-Han! Come practice with us.”
Bi-Han rolls his eyes, but he supposes the sparring partners would prove helpful. “What were you two talking about?” Tomas shoots Kuai Liang a certain look that Bi-Han takes notice of. “Well? Spit it out.” He snaps.
“It’s really nothing,” Tomas says sheepishly.
“We were just speaking on our future endeavors.” Kuai Liang remarks. He debates on whether or not he should cover up the subject of conversation, or if he should test his brother’s temper and be honest.
“As in?”
Kuai Liang throws some hand wraps to Bi-Han, which he snatches with ease. “Marriage and its aspects of love and responsibility.” Bi-Han nearly rolls his eyes. Both brothers assume a fighting stance. As per usual Bi-Han starts on the offensive, so he throws the first kick of the match, “Elaborate.”
“The same subject that father spoke about at dinner.” Kuai Liang responds with a punch that Bi-Han checks. He then shoves his brother slightly rougher than he meant to. ‘The subject spoken about at dinner?’ The sparring comes to an abrupt halt. “My wife?” he hisses.
Tomas promptly speaks up, “No! Just about the idea of having nieces and nephews soon.”
Bi-Han inhales sharply, and Tomas takes note, “I mean unless you haven’t been trying for a child yet?”
Kuai Liang shoots him a slightly amused look, and Bi-Han knows that face. It’s the same face that his younger brother would give him before he was about to spew utter nonsense. “You haven’t yet, have you?”
“Shut your mouths, you insolent fools.”
Tomas tries not to chuckle, “The more you avoid the question, the easier you make the assumption for us.”
“Neither of you is married, so do not act as if you could even comprehend such things.”
Kuai Liang respects his older brother, he really does, but right now he has to resist rolling his eyes.”Harumi and I are not married yet, but I think I’m capable of understanding such a topic.”
“You and Harumi have known each other since you were children, I met my bride rather recently. It is not the same ordeal, so don’t speak on it.”
Kuai Liang supposes his brother is correct. “You’re right in that I wouldn’t understand your exact situation. But you misinterpret my intentions.” He placed his hand on his older brother’s shoulder, “Don’t overthink it. Whenever it does happen, you’ll be fine. And I’m sure you’ll have offspring soon enough.”
Bi-Han will not voice it, but he hopes his brother is right.
———————-
Steam fills the room. You sink into the hot water and let out a pleasant sigh. Lately, you’ve had to increase the amount of time you spend training, and it is safe to say that your muscles still haven’t properly adjusted to the increased burden of it. Therefore, unwinding like this was greatly valued.
Whenever you were in this tub, you were reminded of your first kiss with your husband. The memory is still fresh in your mind and it causes heat to rush to your cheeks. He had looked stunning that evening with his hair down and his demeanor relaxed. Since then you were thankful that you had gotten close enough to exchange more kisses in private. Although neither of you breached the aspect of furthering your physical relationship. Yet you did find yourself desiring it more and more often these days. Thinking of his physique had caused your mind to wander further than you would have felt comfortable admitting.
And then it made you think of dinner earlier.
The process of producing a child did intrigue you, but the rest seemed nerve-wracking. Pregnancy was something you knew you’d have to endure sooner or later. It excited you but scared you all the same. And then the thought of raising a child in this strict environment worried you.
But those were problems that you would address later. For now, you’d relax, and ponder the possibilities of what may have happened if you hadn’t retired to bed so quickly after your first kiss that night.
———————-
Bi-Han eventually returned to your shared quarters. You were adorned in a silk robe, relaxing in the bed, book in hand. Your eyebrows were furrowed as your eyes rapidly scanned the words on the pages. You bit your lip briefly before a small smile emerged on your face. He wonders what about the novel could have you so engrossed; was it on the same topic he had seen earlier today?
He clears his throat and you look up, then briefly down at your book again before you shut it. Your eyes lift to meet his, “welcome back”
He cracks a small smile as he walks over to his side of the bed. “You say that as if I’ve been gone for a long time.”
“It felt long to me,” you tease and lean closer to him. Your book is still enclosed in your hand and Bi-Han can’t help but glance at the novel. “What were you reading?”
“Oh, this?” You hold up the book a bit higher and he gives you a little nod. “It’s a romance.”
You then stand up and motion to the stack at your bedside. “The majority are romance novels. I’ve read through a lot of them.”
You set the book in your hand down gently. “Speaking of which, I want to go get more.”
He raises an eyebrow, “More books? Why?”
‘What does he mean, why?’ You think and cross your arms rather confused, “why not?”
“Do you need them?”
“I find them enjoyable, isn’t that reason enough?”
“Can’t you find enjoyment in other things?”
You scoff and lay a hand on your hip. “I know you’re often preoccupied but the home we live in is catered to the strict nature of your clan. There are not many means of enjoyment here. My days are busy and I like to read to unwind.”
“There’s other ways to unwind.” He responds, almost in a tone that merges desire with that hesitant spite, and it only confuses you more. You step closer, “If you don’t accompany me I will go on my own.”
“You will not.”
Now you are getting annoyed. “And who’s going to stop me?”
Bi-Han clenches his jaw and steps forward, he holds your hand, “I will. You are not allowed to leave on your own.” It wasn’t safe, you’d become an object of envy for other clans. He was not going to let you out on your own.
You fight the urge to roll your eyes, you went out on your own accord when you had lived with your family prior to the marriage. You went out during the Mid Autumn Festival. So what was the problem now? To be frank, it was getting a bit tiring. Living out a similar schedule every day, seeing the same locations on the daily.
Before your husband can say anything else you come up with another retort, “Okay, if I’m not allowed to go alone I’m sure Kuai Liang or Tomas will come with me.”
“No, not happening.” He snaps. Were you purposely trying to get on his nerves? The unamused look on your face clearly told him you would not be backing down. “If you desire to go that badly. Then I’ll take you.”
———————-
Bi-Han kept his word the next day.
It was nice to get back into the village, a much-needed change of pace from the confining walls of the Lin Kuei.
You had dragged your husband along to various shops—mostly window shopping. But you eventually made it to the shop that sold the novels you had a preference for. The shop itself was quaint, and the books were located in the back corner. You make your way there and skim the shelves, with your husband following close behind, His shadow looms over you as he tries to steal glances of the books you pluck off the shelf. You can feel how close he is so you turn around, handing him the book you have in hand. “You seem slightly interested.”
He takes the book and glances at the cover, “I assume it’s a romance.”
“Of course, it’s a genre I like. Oh and don’t put that back, I want to buy it.”
Bi-Han flips through the pages. It appeared to follow the course of the other books you had at home.
Maybe he’d sneak a look at the book when you were preoccupied again. If you found the actions done in the novel so enticing, maybe he could use that knowledge to his advantage. Or rather, the overall advantage of your marriage.
He continues to follow you around the shop and ends up buying the books you picked out. As you exit the shop and make your way onto the street you see Bi-Han staring at a small establishment. It was a tad far and on the other side of the road.
“What is it?”
“Nothing. Just stay here. I’ll be right back.”
You oblige and as you squint your eyes, you notice it’s a jewelry shop of some kind. You try not to ponder, but you wonder if he was buying something for you.
So you wait on the side of the street, pacing back and forth a bit while you wait.
But something is wrong, bit by bit, the smell of smoke starts to become apparent. At first, you consider it nothing. Perhaps a nearby eatery had burned their food or something of that nature.
Then your stomach drops as you turn. Without warning, black smoke erupts into the air, and hot flames lick at your surroundings. Screams and shrieks of civilians ring in your ear as you attempt to make sense of what is happening.
You need to get out of here. Where is Bi-Han?
Your eyes quickly scan from side to side. The heat of the flames are becoming more and more apparent as your skin starts to sweat. It’s getting harder to breathe. Your sense of direction is skewed.
You need to find your husband.
But you can’t.
It all happens too fast. You don’t know when the unfamiliar hands grabbed you, and you don’t register how quickly the cloth covers your mouth and nose. You only realize you’re beginning to lose consciousness when it’s too late.
———————-
Your eyes can barely open. There’s a heinous pounding in your head accompanied by stinging pain around your ankles and wrists. You realize you’ve been bound there by a rope that scrapes against your skin every time you move, leaving it red and on the brink of breaking.
You’re unable to speak due to a cloth covering your mouth. You try to remain calm, but that’s easier said than done. Tears stream down your face and you attempt to regulate your breathing. You remind yourself that the more you panic, the harder this will be.
How long have you been here? The last thing you’re able to remember is being ambushed by men you didn’t know. With a thick cloth serving as a blindfold and being in what you assumed was a darker environment, there were limited ways to estimate the passage of time.
It suddenly hits you. The fire must have been a diversion.
You knew something was wrong. Between Bi-Han being more protective, the rise in clan conflicts, and the sudden increase in training, you should have deducted that something was off.
This would not have happened if you paid attention more or if you trained more. Maybe you would’ve been able to defend yourself and make it to Bi-Han in time. You knew risks came with your new status, why didn’t you take that into account more?
You never thought it would affect you so directly, that you’d become a hostage. And worse yet, you didn’t know what these men intended to do. What if they meant to kill you? You would never get to say goodbye to your family back home. You would not get to say goodbye to Bi-Han. You wished you spent more time with him. You can feel yourself shaking, but attempt to take a few deep breaths.
You try to snap out of it. You have to be calm. Worrying would do you no good now.
Your husband wouldn’t leave you like this, would he? He was a capable man. You know he wouldn’t just forget about you.
You will be fine. All you have to do is remain steadfast in your trust towards your husband.
And so as time slowly passes, your breathing returns to a normal rate, and the tears do not stop, but they slow down. You lay your head against the concrete wall. Your mind runs over the same thought again and again. That BI-Han would rescue you, you just needed to be patient.
You don’t know how long it has been, but you’ve remained practically still.
The sound of a heavy door creaking open gets your attention.
“She’s here!”
Your heart pounds as you hear two familiar voices within ear’s reach. ‘Kuai Liang and Tomas.’
“Is she hurt?”
“I think so.”
Both of them come to your aid, first removing your blindfold. Your eyes try to adjust to your surroundings and the visual confirmation that your new family is present eases the tension a bit. Tears of relief leave you as they remove the cloth from your mouth. “Thank you.” You mumble. Drool pools at the side of your lips when you speak. Between that and the tears you briefly think of how much of a mess you might look like now. But the thought leaves as fast as it comes. Kuai Liang undoes the binding on your ankles, while Tomas tends to your wrists. It hurts, and you notice your left wrist has begun to bleed. Your lip begins to quiver and Tomas hastily wraps a cloth around it. “Don’t worry, the rope didn’t cut that deep, this cloth should do until we get back home.”
“And don’t worry Y/N, you’ll be home soon,” Kuai Liang remarks in as comforting a tone that he can muster up right now. But you catch the concerned looks that the brothers exchange.
You try to crack a smile, to show your appreciation at their attempts to make you feel better. But it’s difficult right now.
Where was your husband?
As if on cue, Bi-Han practically breaks down the door as he enters the room. “They’re all dead but one, I left him alive to question.” His tone of voice is harsh, practically lethal.
You’ve never seen him like this.
Blood paints his face and clothing. He is breathing heavily and you can vaguely hear it through his mask. His eyebrows are furrowed and his eyes have never appeared so cold. There’s a blood-soaked dagger in his hand. You can see it’s made of ice and he tosses it to the side before running towards you. His mask covers the lower half of his face, but his eyes have always been expressive, and you can see the hardened look in his eyes slightly soften. He bends down to your level, taking your ankle in his hand gently before you feel his arms wrap around you. He lifts you bridal-style.
Exhaustion has overtaken you. The blood on his clothing concerns you, but it doesn't seem like it belongs to Bi-Han. Some of the blood gets on your cheek when you lay your head against his chest. You can faintly hear his heart beating frantically although he doesn’t show it. He carefully wipes a lone tear that cascades down your cheek.
You want to thank him for saving you, you want to apologize for allowing yourself to be kidnapped. You want to scream and cry, and you want him to wipe away all the tears that threaten to spill over. But it feels as if no matter how many times your mouth opens, no words come out. That no matter how badly you want to move, your body is frozen in place. He carries you out and you close your eyes.
He doesn’t say anything, and neither do you.
Chapter 7
Notes:
Sorry this took so long! I got so busy with some personal things going on and I had to care for an injured relative, so writing got put on the back burner for a while. Anyway, thanks for sticking around <3 I'm posting this at like 2am lol, hopefully I caught all the typos.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
As you returned, you had fallen asleep in Bi-Han’s arms, so you don’t exactly remember when you got home. Everything seemed like a blur as you tried to make sense of what happened, all the while medics had been tending to your sustained wounds. Most of the lacerations were minor. A few cuts, some scrapes, and unsightly bruises were present, but you didn’t consider it that alarming. Then there was the sprain your ankle sustained, which would be unpleasant to manage. But that would heal within a few weeks, as long as you rest, that is. You could manage the physical wounds. That wasn’t the main thing that was bothering you. It was more so trying to grasp what had just happened, the stress, and the plethora of other emotions that came wrapped up with it.
Sometime after all the commotion you found yourself lying on your bed, cleaned up, and with a change of clothes. You appeared much better, truly you were anything but. Your head was aching, you felt almost nauseous as you replayed the sequence of events over in your head again and again. It was as if you were working yourself into feeling ill. It was odd, you didn’t want to think about it, you wanted to pretend that it didn’t happen. That it was some type of horrid dream. Yet your brain drifted back to it almost constantly; going over what had occurred and what you could’ve done to avoid it.
A part of you felt ashamed. You felt as if you caused such a hassle. And maybe you felt embarrassed too, you started your training here shortly after you married, and yet when you needed it, you couldn’t put any of your knowledge or training to use. How were you supposed to live up to your status? Did the rest of the clan think less of you?
You didn’t think any of this could be a possibility when you had gotten married. It just never occurred to you. You should’ve thought it over more seriously before marrying him. But back then you were actively trying to avoid thinking about the marriage altogether, you were running away from your impending future. How foolish of you. Maybe you would have been more mentally prepared if you had been realistic and rational. It was an unspoken expectation to expect risks in your position, and now you are suffering more than you would have, had you taken the time to process that fact.
But you’re tired now, and you don’t want to think about it. You want it to stop. So you try to sleep. You close your eyes and hope this is all a bad dream.
——————————
This wasn’t a dream.
It was more like a nightmare, that’s what it felt like for Bi-Han. It all happened too quickly. Nothing he considered suspicious had occurred when he accompanied you. And he had thought that slipping away for a moment would be fine. He was so focused on trying to find the perfect gift for you, something that would suit you, that he didn’t realize what had happened until a fire erupted. Screams and the commotion of fleeing civilians took over his senses as he scanned the area for you. He had helped some people avoid injury, leading and practically pushing them away from harm. Maybe he could have been more considerate but he wasn’t particularly focused on them. Perhaps it was selfish, but he was solely concentrated on finding you.
But you disappeared quickly, and from that point on, he knew the fire was a calculated distraction. He rapidly returned home to recruit his brothers’ assistance in locating who could have stolen you away from him. And he was quick to deduct that a rival clan had kept you as a hostage. At least that’s what he hoped. Because he knew rivalries were rarely kind affairs. And that the quicker you were killed, the faster new bridal prospects would be offered up to secure new alliances.
He doesn’t want that, he doesn’t want to think about it. That’s why he wastes no time tracking you down. He leaves Kuai Liang and Tomas to collect notable evidence as they rampage through the worn-down building. He’ll need it to quell any problems that may arise from the bloodshed he is about to partake in. He is devoid of mercy as his bloodlust takes over his every action, allowing it to steer him like the strings of a puppet. His heart beats widely, Kuai Liang and Tomas have gone ahead of him, searching for you. And he’ll have to thank them after this is over. He needs you to be alive. You have to be, but a part of him is fearful as he breaks through the door where his brothers’ voices filter through.
And there you were. Alive, scared, and disheveled.
He hasn’t felt such an odd mix of relief and sadness before.
So when he gathers you up in his arms to return home, he tries to remain calm, like he is composed, even though he is anything but. He is glad you felt comfortable enough to doze off as he carried you back home, but as he thinks back on it, you were more than likely just exhausted. When he handed you off to the medics you had woken up abruptly, gripping his arm with such desperation that it made his stoic face finally falter. He couldn’t hide the frown that made its way to his face as he tried his best to comfort you, assure you that he was in the room, that he was not going anywhere, and that the medical staff had to make sure you were okay. And when he reluctantly let you go, he couldn’t help but feel that he disappointed you.
He keeps a watchful eye as your wounds are tended to, and when you’re being bathed and dressed by a few select maids he slips away to fill in the Grandmaster on what has happened. On his way there, he pulls the hairpin from his pocket, eyeing it for a moment before hastily shoving it away. He doesn’t want to look at it right now.
——————————
The days pass by, some more quickly than others. Your wounds slowly healed, although a few of the cuts manifested into unsightly scars. Thankfully your ankle was healing in a timely manner.
And Bi-Han was at your side through it all. Ever the dutiful husband. He was attentive, keeping an eye on you, tending to any need before you even had the chance to ask. He was patient with you. His hands were gentle whenever he helped change any bandages or the binding on your ankle.
But he was quiet. More so than usual.
You would try to make conversation, but he seemed adamant about keeping your verbal interactions brief. You asked if he’d want to drink tea with you in the mornings and evenings. He used to say yes and you two would converse, even if he was busy. Now you were met with quick and polite refusals. You’d ask him about his day, he’d be to the point, barely elaborating on anything the way he once did. You felt as if the only times your conversations were extensive were when they revolved around your injuries and healing process. The sense of intimacy you both shared seemed to be rapidly deteriorating as well. The other night you lazily turned to him in your bed. He was looking at you, not a word left his lips. You whispered a simple goodnight and leaned it slightly, just to place a chaste kiss on his skin. But he tilted his face down, slightly away from you. You figured he was tired, yet you feared it was something else.
It perplexed you. He maintained the same level of kindness, but you felt as if there was a disconnect. Was he angry at you? Or maybe disappointed? It wasn’t your fault, it’s not like you had asked to be kidnapped. But maybe if you were better equipped, better prepared, then it would’ve never happened. And if it never happened maybe you two could have been closer by now. Maybe he wouldn’t feel so far away even when he’s in the same damn room as you.
His demeanor had added to the myriad of thoughts that circled through your mind like clockwork. It was exhausting. You placed a hand on your forehead as you lay in your bed. You wanted so badly for it to stop, but these thoughts always lingered in the back of your head. And tonight was no different. On occasion it seeps into your dreams, conjuring up different scenarios of what could have been. Scenarios where Bi-Han didn’t come to your aid in time or where he explicitly makes his distaste of you known. It makes you wake up in a cold sweat. To which Bi-Han would promptly awaken as well. He would reassure you that you were safe within the Lin Kuei’s walls and that he was by your side before urging you to go back to sleep.
If this one event was enough to rattle you, it made you wonder if Bi-Han ever had any nightmares. He had seen and endured far more than you ever had. Did it ever bother him? Did it ever disturb his sleep? Now that you think of it, he only ever fell asleep after you were sound asleep. Other than the past days, you rarely ever woke up in the middle of the night, so you weren’t aware of him dealing with any nightmares, if he did suffer any at all. Some semblance of guilt settled in your stomach. Maybe you should be more attentive in that way, or at least check up on him more often. This incident opened your eyes to the reality of his line of work. Of course, you knew the Lin Kuei are a fierce clan but it was different when you had experienced it firsthand. You didn’t know how gruesome their outings could be, it made you worry for him more than you did before.
At that moment, the image of Bi-Han coming to your rescue comes to mind. He was doused in the shade of red that day. You could scarcely see the blue and black shades of his clothing. Splotches of blood had been splattered across his cheek and forehead. When he carried you back you had noticed the dried blood stuck under his fingernails, was that his blood or someone else’s? You had a feeling it wasn't his. He was capable of a level of brutality that you weren’t fully aware of prior. And the image of your husband practically soaked in someone’s else blood is seared into your mind.
Although, it didn’t scare you as much as you thought it would.
Was that a bad thing? You couldn’t tell.
——————————
Bi-Han thinks that you haven't been yourself lately, but he doesn’t blame you. You always seem lost in thought, your facial expressions oscillate between concentrated or dissociated. You often had a headache or just didn’t feel well. He thinks it’s still the shock of the incident getting to you.
And today is no different.
A migraine had taken hold of you today and so staying confined to your bed seemed all too enticing. It was becoming a bad habit. Technically your body was healing and you should be getting back into the regular flow of your lessons, but you couldn’t bring yourself to get right back to it. You know you should, it’d help you be better prepared for future endeavors, and maybe it would serve as a good distraction. But lately, your motivation has been lacking. So again you’ve found yourself isolated, staying in your room more often than not.
But your head hurts and you feel slightly nauseous, so it’s more comfortable to stay in bed than venture out. The majority of the day is spent going in and out of sleep.
Bi-Han enters the room quietly. He’s been busy lately, trying to better himself. Taking up more responsibility from his father in managing the clan, and training more often.
It’s for your sake, really. That is what he tells himself.
But he’s taking a break from his busy schedule. He just wants to see if you’ve eaten yet. Much to his dismay there is a tray of untouched food at your bedside, while you lay buried under a layer of cotton blankets.
You were falling asleep again, trying not to mull over the same worries that had been eating away at you for days. Your eyes were closed but you felt a dip in the bed and a hand brush up against your forehead before it gently pet your hair. You knew it was Bi-Han. It was comforting when he was near, you felt far safer with him than you did with anyone else. You didn’t open your eyes, your eyelids felt too heavy and your body was being lulled to sleep, but a small smile briefly graced your lips. He caught sight of it.
He was satisfied that you were getting some sleep at the very least, he’d often have to soothe you back to sleep after you’d wake up in a panic from nightmares plaguing you in the dark of night. Every time you endured another nightmare, he felt his guilt increase. However, you currently looked peaceful, and seeing your smile just now gave him a sense of satisfaction, or rather what he’d come to know as just plain happiness.
But did he deserve that happiness?
It scares him that he was undoubtedly close to not being able to see you smile again. He retracts his hand, and you don’t react. He figures that you must be asleep now. His back leans against the headboard of the bed, while his eyes drag down to take in your form.
He has not spent much time with you since that day. Part of him yearned for you, and yet part of him was keen on avoiding you.
He didn’t realize he would take such a liking to you when he married you, but he grew weak to your presence. Soon enough he found himself intoxicated with you. The small delights of your smile, your touch, your softly spoken words, they had taken hold of him. You had become precious to him. And when softening his heart towards you, he failed to realize the anguish he would suffer had you ever been taken away from him.
It’s as if he could feel himself shutting down. Building up a wall against the harm you might do to him. Because the fact that the very things he adored about you were finite, that you would not be here forever, terrified him.
Pathetic.
He wanted to avoid the hurt. Shield himself from an uncertain future. It wasn’t his intention. He didn’t even notice the visceral response, at first anyway. Of course, he took care of you, but he limited himself. He didn’t speak to you as often, as if to punish and protect himself simultaneously. He was hesitant. Why attach himself any more than he already was? It only posed a greater risk to him. And now his own lack of competency reveals a rotten core that causes him to be egocentric yet again. To slowly start pushing you away again despite your needs and despite the desires that lay in the crevices of his heart.
For a lingering moment, he thinks of his father. How his father must’ve hurt when his mother died.
His father really loved his mother, didn’t he?
He misses his mother.
She was a strong woman, honorable and resilient. As a child, he always thought his mother would be there. He was exposed to the concept of death at a very young age, but he never thought it would pertain to his family. As he grew older he understood that perhaps there would be a risk of death in battle. He’d seen his clanmates perish and witnessed his father slaughter their enemies and those who threatened Earthrelm. And then he partook in those activities himself when he was just barely blooming into adolescence. He never anticipated death to come to him or one of his loved ones through illness. And yet he was served just that. No matter how strong his mother was, no matter how mindful she was, she was betrayed by her own body. And he was powerless to stop it. He felt as if she slipped through his fingers. He hated watching her wither away bit by bit. He despised how helpless and fearful he had felt back then. He hadn’t felt that type of despair until that fire erupted and you disappeared from his sight.
And after his mother passed, nothing ever felt the same anymore. His father said time would heal their wounds. But he found his father to be dishonest because not a day went by where he wouldn’t ponder the fantasy of a life where his mother lived a healthy life.
Some reality where his mother didn’t frantically scold him for weeping about her misfortune. Where his father didn’t push him exponentially harder than his brothers. Where he didn’t have to watch his father fall apart in private. Where he didn’t have to bear the burden of his father’s anguish-fueled training, and where he didn’t have to tend to Kuai Liang’s sadness at the expense of his own grieving process. He buried that grief within him, and it somehow found its way to seep out of him.
Maybe it wasn’t just grief.
Some immature, boyish part of him was angry. Upset that his mother left him to bear so much on his own.
Anger was such a familiar emotion to him, But this anger felt different. Taking root and creeping out of a part of himself that he seldom shows anyone.
He was angry that his mother left him. And he was furious at himself for still being hurt over it. It was immature and unbecoming of him. Perhaps that was the same anger he felt towards you, he abhorred the fact that you had grown to be of such importance to him. He hated that you could cause him to delve into that ever-familiar fear and worry once more. He hated that you could have left him.
But truly, it’s all misguided, and deep down he knows it.
If he is being honest, he detests himself for feeling the way he does.
There’s a rustling of the bedsheets and Bi-Han is pulled out of his thoughts when he hears you gasp.
“What is it?” he asks in a rather urgent tone.
Your eyes flutter open and you move to slowly sit up, you take a few deep breaths and instinctively grip his forearm, his hand is slow as he moves to place it over yours. The sudden nature of your awakening leads him to believe you must’ve experienced a glimpse of another nightmare, and he can’t bring himself to ask you if you’ve dreamt about the incident again. If you’re dreaming about his shortcomings again. He knows he is tactless. If you bring up the nightmare, he will assure you again that it will not happen, as he has done in nights prior. It’s almost amusing that as many times as he has reassured you, his own confidence falters bit by bit.
If you do not bring up any distressing dreams, he will not push you to disclose anything.
“Are you hurt?” he mumbles. You shake your head, but wince when you try to move your foot. “The wraps on my ankle are bothering me, I just want to take them off for a little while,” you say softly and lean forward but Bi-Han lightly waves his hand. “I will do it.”
You lean back and Bi-Han raises your foot as he unwraps the binding. He moves your foot from side to side slowly, as he’s no stranger to a sprained ankle. “The binding is bothering you more because you haven’t been elevating your foot enough. The more often you keep it elevated, the less swollen it’ll be,” he says and grabs a small pillow to place under your foot.
“Thank you,” you respond and shoot him a smile. “I appreciate all the help.”
“It’s my duty, is it not?”
You bite your lip. You appreciated his help, but you thought by now he’d give you a different answer. Something that alluded to a suggestion of care or affection. You thought he would ask if you’ve had another nightmare (you did). But you awoke to his presence and it is comforting enough to know that he is by your side. Yet the air feels thick in your lungs as you acknowledge that his words are minimal. He asks no questions despite the knowing look in his eyes.
You sigh quietly, “Duty is everything, hm?”
His eyes meet yours for an uncomfortable moment. “Why wouldn’t it be?”
You properly sit up now. “You know when we married I initially performed out of duty. But now it’s out of care. I care about you Bi-Han.” You want to say more, add a more potent word to showcase your feelings for him, but you bite your tongue.
“And you think I don’t care about you? Why else would your well-being concern me?” He tosses the wraps to the floor and you can’t help but think your statement has struck a nerve.
You cross your arms, “do not twist my words.”
He looks towards you, a small frown forms on his face, but it disappears just as fast. “Haven’t I proven myself to you? I watch over you day and night, I take care of you.”
A retort lays at the tip of your tongue but you refrain from speaking. Technically, he was speaking the truth. Yet you desired something more. Maybe you were misconstruing things? But no. You knew something was off. So you hold his gaze and shake your head. “Yes, you have. And I appreciate everything you’ve done for me.” You’re hesitant for a moment. “Is everything alright?”
The question catches him off guard. Have you noticed any change? He has attempted to maintain the air of normalcy as much as possible. “Yes.”
You wanted to give him a chance to voice his concerns. “Are you sure?” You ask quietly. You know something is off, but how much were you meant to push him on the subject? Bi-Han places his hand on your shoulder “I am certain.”
You lay your hand over his and squeeze it gently, “If you say so.”
You don’t believe him.
——————————
There’s a full moon that just barely shines through the window of the kitchen. You’ve always found it lovely, a peaceful and comforting sight. It’s a stark contrast to the tea kettle screeching above a small flame on the stove.
You take longer than usual to remove it from the heat.
You’d much rather be in bed right now, but you’d woken up in the middle of the night to find your bed empty. You were waking up in the middle of the night less often as time went on. Bit by bit your fear of being snatched away began to decrease. Yet the unease of your husband’s behavior fueled your overthinking. And the fact that this was the third time this week that he had disappeared in the middle of the night did nothing to help you. You suspect that he went to train on his midnight excursions, as you’d often stir awake when he’d return. You’d catch glimpses of him heaving and glistening with sweat.
Bi-han’s behavior leads you to think he is not being entirely honest. Now you do have to hand it to him, he is extremely skilled at concealing his unrest when he really wants to. But the longer you two have been married, the more of his habits you’ve picked up on. When he is angry or upset the training grounds become his second home, he becomes reckless; more scrapes and bruises grace his hands. He refrains from drinking his preferred tea of oolong and instead opts for something more bitter. He doesn’t converse as often anymore. You know it’s not as noticeable as before, but its lack still lingers. It irks you, it feels like such an odd step back. You do try to be patient, but you thought you were past this. You thought you were at a point where true comfort could be found with one another.
You worry about him. He had slowly opened up to you, but not to the degree you long for. You felt like you were always longing for more, when would you finally get it? You wonder if Bi-Han feels the same, and you wonder if he struggles to articulate the desire just as you do. You suspect that if you bluntly ask him what is troubling him, he will brush off the question. So you will have to devise an alternative strategy.
You carefully pour two cups of tea and now you wait. It’s in the late hours of the night. You assume the others are asleep. Your ears are attentive to your surroundings and hear the echo of footsteps getting louder and louder as they resonate through the hallway. You choose this moment to ambush your husband.
Bi-Han abruptly comes to a stop, if you didn’t know any better you’d say he was startled. He looks at you the way a disappointed superior would. “What are you doing up at his hour? And what of your ankle? Go to bed.”
You shake your head. “No, I couldn’t sleep and it seems that neither can you. So I made tea for the both of us”
He sighs and rubs his knuckles lightly, they’re red. “No, I am fine without tea.”
You try not to roll your eyes. You were attempting to remain neutral but here you were already beginning to lose your patience. Or perhaps that was a side effect of feeling tired.
Your hand makes its way to grab his forearm. “I already made it, you might as well drink it.”
He looks down at your hand and figures that arguing more at this point wouldn’t do him any good. He follows you to the small table in the kitchen, pulling out a chair for you to sit on before he sits down himself. So he joins you, sipping his tea quietly so as to not disturb you. However, he is mistaken because his silence is perplexing you to no end.
You sip your tea as well, it’s too hot. “You know I’ve missed our conversations, I feel as if we barely have time to spend together, let alone have a conversation.”
His gaze meets yours. The desire to be defensive is there, but all he does is return his eyes to his tea. He misses your chats too, in the morning, midday, the evening, but he can’t bring himself to say it. He doesn’t deserve your company if he has failed at protecting you, one of the main fundamentals of being a husband. “I’ve taken on more responsibilities recently.”
“Do those responsibilities include avoiding me?” You ask plainly and raise an eyebrow at him.
So much for subtlety.
His eyebrows furrow and that ever-familiar crease emerges on his forehead. “Whatever I do, I do for your benefit.”
“The lack of your presence does not benefit me.”
He clenches his jaw. He won’t voice it, but he is exhausted, he doesn’t exactly want to address this right now. “Am I not by your side whenever my schedule allows me the time? Have I not checked up on you throughout the day? Do I not aid you whenever necessary?”
Your resolve falters briefly. That was true, he still cared for you, physically anyway. “That’s not what I mean.”
He knows what you mean, and he is simultaneously impressed yet shamefully irked that you have taken notice of it. He is unwilling to speak on it.
“Let’s go to bed.”
You cross your arms. Of course, he would avoid the topic, he was a stubborn man, you knew that by now. “Fine, you can go to bed.”
Bi-Han finishes his tea in one quick gulp before getting up and looking at you. “Finish your tea, let’s go.”
“No I’d rather stay here, I’ll come to bed later.”
“ Wife , it’s late, I’d rather not leave you here alone.” You could hear the shift in his voice, from polite to politely annoyed, and maybe a hint of underlying concern.
“You left our bedroom in the middle of the night to train anyway.”
He supposes you’re correct. “You were asleep when I left. I was getting in more practice, and our bedroom is one of the safest places in the Lin Keui’s Palace.”
“In my opinion, the kitchen is safe enough. Goodnight.” You return to drinking your tea and Bi-Han does not move. You wonder when he’ll leave the room, but the second you finish the tea you feel your chair being swiftly pulled backward and before you know it, your husband has taken you up into his arms. You briefly grasp at his shirt from the sudden movement. “What’re you doing?”
“Your ankle hasn’t fully healed yet. I’m taking you back to our room.”
“My ankle is almost fully healed. Put me down.” Even though you speak your request, part of you wants him to deny it.
“No.”
You try not to focus on him as he brings you back to your shared bedroom. You keep your eyes averted from his face, and he notices. He places you down on your side of the bed.
“So stubborn,” he mumbles under his breath.
Your head snaps back up to look at him. “What was that?”
“Nothing,” he responds gruffly and proceeds to let his hair down. You pinch the bridge of your nose “You’re far more stubborn than I am.”
“Oh, am I?”
“You know you are.” You pause and lay down in your bed facing the opposite direction before pulling the sheets up to your shoulders. “Pushing me away won’t help anything and we both know it,” you mumble.
“I’m not in the mood to quarrel with you, I’m going to bed. You should too.”
You close your eyes, trying not to focus on the sounds of your husband maneuvering around the room, and hoping that sleep falls upon you quickly.
——————————
Your hair is being particularly troublesome today as you try to style it. You need something to pin it back. Maybe it’s because the air is thick, but you can’t decipher if that’s due to the placebo of your own tense thoughts, or if the usually frigid climate has a touch of humidity. And maybe you’re mulling over minor peculiarities to convince yourself that it’s all a sign to move forward.
Today you’ve pushed yourself to try and engage with your regular schedule again, at least when it came to your lessons. So as you sit in front of your vanity you take a deep breath and try not to let your mind wander. But that was easier said than done. You had to look presentable today, how long would you be allowed to wallow in your room? Even if they let you keep to yourself for days, it wouldn’t exactly display a good impression. You had to become acclimated to moving forward despite what you dealt with. Everyone else in the clan seemed capable of doing it, so you should be too.
One particular strand of hair fails to stay in place as your hand traverses your jewelry box. You are looking for a clip or pin to match your clothing for today, but nothing seems to suit your tastes. A sigh of frustration leaves your lips and you start rummaging through the drawers nearby. Now Bi-Han kept some of his belongings in the bottom drawer and you knew that. You rarely saw him open it and in the process of hastily checking each one, you open his. Now you’re not one for snooping around, you respected your husband’s privacy. But technically, what’s yours was his and what’s his was yours, isn’t that what married couples always said? Or at least the ones that had been around you growing up had uttered the phrase here and there. Your eyes quickly scan the contents of the drawer before coming to a halt. Hidden away in the back corner of the drawer is a small blue box adorned with gold lining. You raise a brow, you don’t think you’ve seen Bi-Han with any pieces of jewelry before, not after your wedding day. You carefully pick up the box and examine it before opening it.
What you find perplexes you.
‘What is that?’
A lone pin sits at its center. It is simple, silver, with a shimmering blue gemstone at its core. You delicately pick it up. This was a pin suited for a female. Was this for you? It must be, right?
Although wouldn’t Bi-Han have given it to you by now?
You told yourself you’d try to maintain a sound mind today, and yet your husband’s distance delves your brain into overthinking again. What if the pin was for someone else? What if he didn’t see you fit for the role of his wife any longer?
No.
You cannot allow your thoughts to wander any longer like this. You were already mentally exhausted and you refuse to add this to your list of worries. Still, it concerns you that you had found this hidden away, or what you assumed to be hidden anyway. Perhaps this was against your better judgment, but the pin was simple and beautiful. To be fair even if it didn’t entirely match your outfit, it did match your necklace.
If this accessory was meant to be a surprise you don’t understand why he would take so long to give it to you. No holidays were near, nor was your birthday coming up.
A hypothesis forms within your thoughts as you pull back a portion of your hair and hold it in place with the hairpiece. If Bi-Han sees the pin and becomes aggressive, then it must be for another. If he sees the pin and leaves it, it must be for you. Now you would expect a minor scolding, maybe you’d be reprimanded for ruining a surprise, but if the gift was for you anyway, you wouldn’t consider it a big deal. You stare at your reflection in the mirror and take a deep breath. Your eyes fall to the necklace you are wearing. Bi-Han did have good taste when it came to picking out things for you. He was attentive in that way. A twinge of guilt seeps into you, he has grown warmer towards you since you had married. Maybe his distance wasn’t a fault of your own, but an outcome of what had happened to you.
Maybe it had shaken him up as well.
You decide you will speak to him this evening.
——————————
Your tutors were happy to meet with you today, and due to your lack of consistency with attending your lessons, you had a lot to catch up on. You did not mind it very much. Truthfully it helped to keep your brain from wandering. You’ve seen Bi-Han throughout the day in passing, he would stop by the room you were in and eye you up and down before asking if you were feeling okay. You’d give him a curt “yes,” or just a nod of the head to indicate that you were busy.
You don’t think he believes you.
The day goes by quickly for you and soon your tutor is advising you to join your family for dinner, but you calmly decline. Conjuring up an excuse that convinces your instructor to leave you be. You’d probably grab a snack to satiate you later on. For now, you just wanted time to think. Approaching your husband after dinner concludes seems like a decent idea. You don’t think Bi-Han noticed your new little accessory and based on last night’s sour conclusion, you didn’t want to suffer through an awkward dinner with your in-laws present. You yawn and lean back in your chair while stretching out your arms. Maybe you can go relax for now, you think you deserved it after all that work.
——————————
Bi-Han wasn’t all that hungry right now, he told Kuai Liang that he’d dine later on as he had something to take care of. Honestly, he didn’t want to face you just yet. Nor did he want to maintain the guise of a happy couple who hadn’t argued the prior night. Engaging in theatrics for his clan’s pleasure was much easier when you two had first married, but now a simple argument had him uneasy. He knew you were still upset and he knew he was partially at fault.
He slowly makes his way through the halls of his home as his mind wanders. To be fair, he thought you were partially to blame as well. You just had to keep prying no matter how many times he had refuted your remarks. His walking comes to a slow halt as he thinks of what you said the night prior. Was his absence affecting you that much? A selfish part of him is satisfied with your longing for him, yet he again feels frustration when he thinks of his attachment to you as well. And it stings to think that he is once again failing as your husband. He should’ve been attentive, he knows you need it. And yet he is mindfully absent for his own heart’s sake, or maybe for its penance. He sighs as he opens the door to find you already there. He is about to utter your name as you turn around until his eyes catch sight of the jewel that adorns your hair. His breath hitches and his heart beats a little faster.
Before you can even greet him, his voice clamors through your room.
“Take that out of your hair and put it back where you found it. Now” he hisses.
You narrow your eyes, so he did notice it although you weren’t expecting such a visceral response. “No.”
He clenches his jaw and steps forward, you take a step back. “Why do you want me to take it off?” you say in an accusatory tone. ‘So much for resting.’
“Because I am your husband, and I am asking you to remove it” he responds. You raise an eyebrow, you can tell he is trying to maintain an undisturbed aura but it is not working. “And I am your wife, telling you I am not taking it off,” you respond and smile up at him. “Maybe if you told me why you want me to remove it so badly, I’d be more inclined to do so.”
He sighs as if he is tired and you speak up again, “Because if you don’t, it makes me wonder if this was a gift for someone else. ”
His jaw practically drops, “Do you think so low of me?”
“What else am I supposed to think when you’ve hidden this pin away?” You hastily take off the hairpin and flash it in front of him. He steps forward and reaches to take it but you take another step back. You know he could snatch it right out of your hand before you even had a chance to realize that he’s done so. Therefore some part of you appreciates his failure to do so.
You cross your arms with the pin still in hand, “Bi-Han, why would you hide this away?” You bite your lip out of nervousness.
He pinches the bridge of his nose in frustration. “You’re fretting over things you don’t understand.”
“Then help me understand.”
You can tell how frustrated he is by the way he clenches his fists and the deep breath he takes. But you watch how his face changes, from frustration to disdained haughtiness. He steps forward once more and by now your back is against the wall.
He eyes you up and down and his eyebrows furrow. “Give me the hairpin.”
You sigh, he does look slightly unnerving to you, but you will not allow such tactics to sway you. “Intimidate me all you want, we both know it won’t work with me, I know you well enough by now.” If you were honest, this whole ordeal made you feel like you didn’t know him at all.
Bi-Han’s hands come to rest on your shoulders. “You don’t know me.”
You let out a defeated laugh. How were you supposed to spend the rest of your life with someone that refused to communicate? The very thought unnerved you. “Then help me fix that!” you respond in an exasperated tone. “And here I am again, begging you to help me understand. What am I missing here? And do not lie to me. How long would you have us both dance around this unspoken issue?”
He shakes his head in a defeated manner, it doesn’t suit him, “Don’t concern yourself with such things.”
You shoot him an angry look, “I concern myself because it involves us. I am your wife and I can’t read your mind,” You hiss and motion towards yourself. “What is it? Are you ashamed of me? I’m sorry.” You tried to maintain a calm demeanor but your voice is shrill by now. You shove the hairpin into his chest and attempt to push him away from you, but the pin falls to the floor as his hands wrap around your shoulders. The look in his eyes screams of intensity, while yours remain seeped in anger.
‘Sorry?’
Why would you be sorry? It’s his fault. He hated to even acknowledge the fact, but it was true. Had he been present, had he been there, none of this would’ve happened. Had he been a proper husband, he would’ve kept you safe.
Just another task he’s failed at.
“There is nothing to apologize for.”
“Yes, there is,” you respond stubbornly.
He stares at you, his look has now become unreadable to you. “I am the one who failed you.”
That statement of his brings you pause. You tilt your head up and lean forward rather confused. You would never take him as one to admit failure of any sort.
“Failed me at what? What do you mean?” Your throat feels dry as you await a response. What could he possibly be going on about? Your hand moves up to squeeze his hand gently, urging him to continue. His eyebrows are still furrowed, and you hear him gulp before he speaks. “If I had been more watchful, you would not have been taken or injured in the first place.”
Oh.
He had saved you, you were living and breathing before him, yet that’s what had been on his mind. Your resolve falters a bit. You didn’t realize it was that, and here you were worrying that he was ashamed of you. Perhaps you’ve thought too little of yourself. You had taken the increasing distance for a perpetual disking, not quiet insecurity.
“I- I thought it was something else. I thought it was me, or the state of our marriage-”
He cuts you off, “What do you mean.” His voice is a little quieter now.
“Bi-Han.”
“Answer me.” He sighs in a tone that echos remorse, “please.”
You gaze up at him as his eyes lock on yours. His heart is beating fast, and he hates it. His facade is crumbling before you.
He hates it.
“We were married off too quickly, I didn’t think things through, I did not realize what I was getting myself into.” You look back at him now, searching for a hint of emotion in his face, but he does his best to remain stoic. Still, you place a hand on his cheek, and the sensation of his jaw clenching is felt on your fingers.
You feel his hand cover yours, you wonder if he’s trying to remove your touch.
“Are you attempting to imply that you’re not happy with our arrangement?-“ he cuts himself off. He was about to snap at you. Say that he can bring you back home to your original clan if that’s what you desire, that he’d end things amicably. However he knows he could never do that, he’d rather keep you locked away for himself. Would that be another sentiment of his selfishness? It is. He’s been pushing you away, but the thought of you actually leaving strikes fear into his heart.
You shake your head vigorously, “No, I was uneasy initially, but I’m happy when you are actually around.” You drop your hands and clutch at the fabric of your own dress. “I want you around. I feel safer with you around. I miss you.” You say softly. You almost feel like a child, confessing feelings of fondness. Surely you’ve told him you missed him before? But this is different. His hand comes to rest against your cheek, drawing your attention back up to him.
You miss him. And truthfully, he misses you too. You will not live forever, neither will he. Your time together is finite. He desires your time. He desires your affection, your presence. Why in the world has he been depriving himself of something you’ve been so willing to give? He knows, but his burning inhibitions are beginning to quiet down as he looks back at you. The look on your face has morphed into something sincere, so genuine. You reach out to him with open arms, offering up a place of solace that he’s been desperately craving since he was a boy. He engulfs you in his arms and buries his face into the crook of your neck, almost as if he’s trying to shield himself from his own shortcomings. It’s against his very nature, but he can’t help himself, not anymore.
The words spill out like vomit. Repulsive to him. But it’s soothing to your ears, it serves as an assurance that you’ve yet to lose him.
“I endangered you. I nearly lost you.” His tone is so wrath with what you liken to regret, that it pains you.
“I should have known better, I should have kept a better eye on you. What if you had gotten gravely injured? What if you were killed? It’s my fault. How am I fit to be your husband when I’ve failed at the simplest of duties? If I can’t even keep you out of harm's way, how am I to be cognizant of the safety of my clan?.” His voice falters the slightest bit as he speaks.
“It’s not your fault. If it weren’t for you I would not be alive.” You say quietly.
Neither of you faces the other as you speak, only hiding away in the embrace that shields each other to some degree. But you can’t bear it anymore. You attempt to pull away, to look at him face to face, and guarantee that he believes you when you vocalize your assurance. But he doesn’t let you. His grip on you is firm, his fingers dig into your sides as if he’s trying to keep you from disappearing. “Don’t.” He speaks so quietly, it’s unlike him. Your fingers graze the back of his neck before you find yourself petting his hair, you’re content when he doesn’t pull away.
“I-I am inadequate. I just didn’t think about how dangerous your line of work is. It didn’t occur to me until I was caught up in the middle of it. If I had been more aware of my surroundings, or if I had trained harder then maybe I wouldn’t have been in such a vulnerable situation.”
“Don’t speak of yourself that way.”
You shrug your shoulders lightly, “I’m only stating how I feel. And we both know that’s true.” You murmur.
“What good do you get out of blaming yourself?”
“Couldn’t I ask you the same thing?”
He doesn’t respond and you gently tug at his hair, “Bi-Han?”
“It’s not the same.”
“What do you mean?”
“How can I not blame myself? I foolishly let my guard down, when I’ve been trained to never do so.”
You’re quiet for a moment. That day had been enjoyable for you both, you wouldn’t expect him nor yourself to have predicted the unfortunate events of that day.
“You’ve acknowledged that it’s happened, but as you said yourself, what good will constantly punishing yourself do? What’s done is done, and I am thankful that you kept me from greater harm.” You hold onto him tighter as you speak. “I see how you’re punishing yourself, don’t you understand that hurts me more than whatever happened that day?” You mumble quietly.
You hear his breath hitch. “That is not my intention.”
“But that’s what’s been happening.” You try to tear away from his grip, and he reluctantly lets you go so that you’re able to face him. You cup the sides of his face within the palms of your hands. “I care for you, we’ve been bound by marriage and I take that commitment seriously. I want to bear your burdens with you, haven’t I shown that I want to be by your side as we endure this life?”
His hands come up to grip your wrists as if he were to remove them from his face, but he refrains from doing so, “You don’t understand what you’re saying.”
“But I do,” you counter. You find yourself leaning closer. “I’ve experienced what risks come with your line of work now, and that is by no fault of either of us. Do you not think that I would have fled back to my clan had I truly wanted to leave? I’ve seen you drenched in the blood of your enemies and I still crave your presence. You’ve been deluding yourself.” You take a deep breath. “I vowed to remain with you through times of sickness and in health, through prosperity and devastation. Until my last breath.” Your hands move to the base of his neck and you tug him to get closer to you, he leans down slightly as you speak again “I expect you to vow the same. And to uphold those vows as I do.”
Maybe it is the haziness of words finally spoken, or the surge of warmth and tenderness coursing through his once cold veins, but before you can finish your sentiments you feel lips crashing into yours and desperate hands grasping at your waist. There’s a messy fervor to the kiss, an accumulation of unbridled longing and lingering frustration. Your teeth clash in between gasps and the colliding of lips. He pulls away briefly and you see the red tint emerging on his swollen lips. You find it enticing. Your fingertips brush up against his lips, “swear the same to me.” His hand rests on the back of your head as his lips make their way to trail from your jaw and down your neck. “I vow to remain by your side in sickness and in health, through prosperity and devastation.” Your breathing picks up, and you grip his shoulders.
“For how long?” You mumble.
“Until my final breath.”
His knee is pushing forward as he speaks, coming to rest in between your thighs and you slowly feel as if it’s becoming harder to maintain your composure. His hands encase you and before you can protest, he’s laid you on the bed. You prop yourself up on your elbows as he looms over you with both of his hands resting at your sides. In this moment you are reminded of how imposing his stature is. Excitement and nervousness blend into a sensation that makes your heart beat frantically. You look up at him, and he shifts his eyes from your gaze. You reach up and lightly tuck a strand of his hair behind his ear.
“Are you sure you wish to do this?” He says in a formal tone. His seriousness almost makes you chuckle.
Although you didn’t expect the evening to lead to this, you’re far too eager to refuse.“I am,” you respond as one of your hands trails his bicep. Meanwhile, his hand undoes the sash tied around your waist. His fingers move slowly, almost methodically now as he begins to remove your dress, you’re left in your undergarments and you feel butterflies in your stomach.
Bi-Han slows down the pace and wonders if you are at all as nervous as he is. He excels at whatever he pursues and he thinks this should be no different, but when he’s not purely acting on instinct and has a moment to think, his mind wanders. He wonders if he will live up to your expectations. He tries not to speculate on if you’ve done this before with someone else, the very thought makes his blood boil. But these thoughts dissipate when your hand begins to undo his belt. He swiftly grabs your wrist and you give him a lazy smile, “I don’t want to be the only one undressed, I’d rather we be on equal footing.”
That was an excuse, you were actually eager to marvel at his physique.
He lets go of your wrist and sits back as he takes off his shirt. Your hand runs down his chest and abdomen. Bi-Han’s body appears as if it was sculpted, harboring the finest architecture. His skin is somewhat dry, but cool to the touch. As your hands drift along his torso you attempt to commit every curve and crevice to memory. Soon enough your arms wrap around his neck and you drag him down with you as you press your lips against his again and again. His hand slips to your back, attempting to undo the pesky layer of clothing shielding your chest from him. When he does get it off, you watch him toss it aside. You’ll scold him later about being so careless with your clothing. But your thoughts return to the activity at hand when, suddenly his hands are exploring your chest. His hands are rough and calloused against your skin, a stark contrast to your own. You can’t help the gasp that escapes you. You feel him smile against your lips but you pull away again and he takes the opportunity to drag his lips along your throat.
Your eyes are still closed as you run your fingers through his hair. It’s been so long since you’ve engaged in any form of physical intimacy, and to indulge to this degree with him is still so new to you. “I’m still somewhat mad, you know.”
He’s quiet for a moment as his lips traverse down your chest and stomach, occasionally allowing his teeth to graze your skin. “I would not fault you for it, allow me to make amends.”
“And how will you do that?” you mumble. He shifts his position downwards, hooking his fingers into the sides of your underwear, and just like that, the last piece of clothing veiling your body is gone. His gaze is greedy as he eyes your exposed form and you instinctively shut your legs. Only to have your husband take hold of your thighs and spread them apart. He allows his fingers to explore uncharted territory. And he takes note of your expressions as he does so. He drags a finger down your slit, intentionally lowering his body temperature so that you tremble at his touch. You want to grab something, and so your arms reach out towards him instinctively and there’s a sense of satisfaction that settles in his soul, watching you grasp at him when you’re so vulnerable like this. One of his hands takes hold of both of yours, kissing them. He runs his thumb across the scar on your left wrist, and he realizes it must be from the rope that day. It must have burned when it continuously chafed against your skin to the point of drawing blood.
“BI-Han?”
Oh.
He hasn’t realized he’s stopped the movement of his fingers, and that he’s been focused on your wrist more than he should be at this moment. He places one more kiss against the scar. You smile hesitantly, “So that you remember, I’m not upset about that. ”
You are far too kind, too forgiving towards him. He does not respond but returns to his endeavors between your legs. You feel two of his fingers enter you and gasp in response. He maintains a constant motion, catching you off guard when his thumb moves to caress a certain bundle of nerves.
Maybe this is his desire to please you, to make amends for his behavior somehow, or maybe it’s his need to excel, to prove that he’s the best you’ll ever have. He doesn’t know exactly. He doesn’t know when such inclinations formed within him. He thought he’d be more concerned with chasing his own pleasure, but for now, it’s an afterthought. And before he knows it, his lips are brushing against your inner thigh.
A high-pitched gasp leaves your lips when he begins. You cover your mouth, surprised not only at the sounds that have left your mouth but additionally at his skill. You feel his hand reach up only to roughly tug at your arm, “do not hold yourself back,” he says gruffly. You can’t even bring yourself to respond. The man works wonders with his tongue. Your brain allows you to focus on nothing but your husband’s oral expertise.
Until your notation of his skill causes you to wonder.
You grab a fistful of his hair and pull it lightly. Causing him to grunt and look up at you. His lips are slick.
“Where did you learn to do this?”
“Wouldn’t you like to know?”
You groan and pull his hair a tad harder. A small laugh leaves his lips, he will spare you for now.
You’re thinking about how you like the sound of his laughter when he responds. “You need to pay attention to your belongings.”
“What do you mean?”
“I’ve been reading your novels. They are descriptive.”
You feel even more heat rush up to your face as he returns to his venture between your thighs. You didn’t realize he’d been reading those books, part of you is embarrassed at him being aware of some of the content you prefer. However, if he puts his newly gained knowledge to use, you don’t mind him snooping on your reading material.
Tension begins to build but your husband deprives you of reaching that peak of pleasure just yet. You laugh breathlessly, “You’re being cruel. Was this meant to make amends or punish me?” His fingertips take hold of your chin, forcing you to look up at him. “Patience, wife .”
The longing look in your eyes only fuels his desire for you. His arm hooks around your waist to drag up back up toward the front of the bed. And perhaps he’s become too eager, the growing ache in his pants is becoming harder to ignore. You watch as he hastily removes his remaining clothing. Your eyes travel downwards and you’re happy to find that your original suspicions were correct, he was well endowed. Bi-Han catches your line of sight and grabs your chin to make you look up at him again. “Shameless.”
You smile, “Can you blame me? I’ve been curious since our wedding night.” He raises an eyebrow, he supposes you were equally as curious as he was back then. You reach out a hand to touch him, touch it , but he catches your wrist, using the opportunity to quickly pin you back down to the bed.
“You must learn restraint.” Bi-Han knew he was teasing you but he was just as guilty. His eyes drank in the image of your exposed form. His hands move to travel down your body, groping and grasping at the flesh displayed before him. Your skin is oh-so-soft, and his fingers return once again to the heat between your legs. The sounds leaving your mouth make him feel dizzy with desire and he finds himself impatient. “Spread your legs.”
Before you respond, his hands grip your thighs to spread them apart.
He leans down and his cold breath mingles with yours as you gently take hold of his face in your hands.
He doesn’t speak. The situation almost doesn't seem real to him. Words would not be able to articulate what his feelings are at this moment, so he entrusts his touch to convey his affection and desire for you. Between kisses pressed to your lips and the connecting of your flesh, he finds bliss between your legs. His body acts on instinct, the feeling is maddening. Is this what he has been lacking in life? For a brief moment, he recalls tales of war and battles raged for the sake of woman’s love, for her affections and touch. Perhaps for the first time in his life, he can understand that reasoning.
But he is brought out of his trance when you let out a shaky breath and grasp him hard enough for your nails to leave red indents. He pulls back to see your face contort into pain and quickly removes himself out of a mix of embarrassment and concern.
He was hurting you.
In the past, perhaps he wouldn’t have cared, but he does now. He cares that he’s hurt you, and a part of him is ashamed that he became so lost in his own pleasures. Guilt is evident in the way he scowls and turns his face. You sit up and reach out a hand before he can even think to come up with a retort or retreat.
“It’s normal, stop it.” You practically tug him back on top of you. You know in the past, you wouldn’t make the effort to assure him, you wouldn’t long for him like this, but you do now. His arms rest on either side of you again and his eyebrows furrow when you graze your lips against the corner of his mouth. “Go slow at first, please.” And so he complies. The stinging emerges again and you scare him when your eyes shut in what appears like distress to him, prompting Bi-Han to halt his pace again. “… Are you positive you wish to engage in this with me.” His tone of voice is timid almost, a stark contrast to what you’re used to hearing.
“I’m certain.”
And so he continues, and soon the pain begins to delve into pleasure. You find yourself lost in ecstasy. Briefly, you think of how carefully his hands hold onto. How hands capable of killing could hold you so close. His hips continuously collide with yours and you wrap your legs around his waist, drawing him nearer. Obscene melodies echo throughout the room prompting your husband to pick up the pace. You know there’s a possibility that your voices might leak into the hallway. You know your nails are digging into his skin as you hold onto him for leverage, and you are aware that your skin will be littered with bruises and bite marks. But you could care less right now. Those will be problems to address later. For now, the physical sensation is all you can bring yourself to focus on.
Had Bi-Han known this is what consummating your relationship truly felt like, perhaps he would have taken you on the wedding night. But no, it wouldn’t feel this passionate, this consuming. You draw him in and the pleasure makes him practically feel intoxicated The sounds that escape your lips only heighten the experience. The way your nails drag down his back only reinvigorates him. His hands tangle in your hair and you feel his breathing pick up. His teeth graze your neck and you feel a distinct pressure building up within you. You assume he does as well when the grip he has on your body tightens enough to leave imprints. You’re left panting when he finishes, his seed dripping from your core and staining your thighs.
He seems as if he’s in a daze, breathing heavily as his eyes drag ever so slowly up your form. The image of you breathing heavily while sprawled out in front of him is one that he’d like to commemorate to memory.
But now the euphoria delves into exhaustion. His body weight becomes increasingly difficult it holds up as if his soul is luring him to rest. And before he knows it, he’s not bothering to hold himself up anymore. He’s lying against you, and he can feel your arms wrap around him once more. But the feeling is short-lived.
“You’re heavy, get off.” You groan. Maybe it’s the endorphins running through his veins, but he finds your annoyance endearing. He lazily rolls off of you and watches the rise and fall of your chest as you attempt to catch your breath. Sweat glistens on your skin.
You catch his gaze and cross your arms over your chest. “How shameless,” you tease.
He reaches over to move your arms out of the way, and you allow him to.
“You seduced me, take it as a compliment.”
You chuckle lightly, “Noted.” You shift onto your side to face him. Bi-Han still looks effortlessly flawless. He hasn’t even broken a sweat in your recent activities, at least it looks that way to you. You move closer to him, enough so that you’re able to rest your head against his chest. “Aren’t you tired?” You inquire. Your husband shakes his head, “somewhat.” His movements are languid as he drapes an arm over your shoulder and presses a kiss to your forehead.
You let out a small chuckle. “What is it?” He asks.
“I could never imagine you behaving in such an endearing manner when we first met.”
“I’ve exceeded your expectations then,” he says in a factual tone of voice.
“Don’t flatter yourself,” you reply jokingly.
He raises an eyebrow, “is that a challenge?”
And suddenly he’s maneuvered himself to loom over you once more. His lips hover over yours as he awaits your answer. Your body is worn out, you can feel a dull ache blooming between your legs, and perhaps your response is against your better judgment.
“Yes.”
——————————
The sunlight casts a warm glow as it enters your bedroom, and in time it nudges you awake. As your eyes flutter open slowly, you find your husband watching over you. “Good morning,” You say and smile as you reach out a hand to caress your husband’s cheek. He lays his hand over yours. “Good morning.” He takes your hand and presses a small kiss to your knuckles. “Did you sleep well?”
You chuckle lightly, “You put me right to sleep last night, I am well rested.” You try to shift your position but grimace at the soreness residing between your legs. “I may spend all day in bed.”
A smirk flashes across your husband’s face and you shoot him a pensive look, albeit lightheartedly.
You move to rest against him but stop when you remember the hairpin. “Bi-Han-“ you start off, but it’s as if he could already anticipate your question before you had a chance to ask. He holds the accessory between his fingertips. “In the chaos of the evening, it was displaced.” He appears the slightest bit hesitant but hands the pin back to you. “It was for you, or rather it is for you.” You smile faintly “It matches my necklace perfectly.”
“That’s why I selected it that day.” His voice trails off slowly. His silence echoes his sincerity and you smile softly at him.
“I’ll cherish it. Thank you.”
Your simple acknowledgment is enough to put him at ease now, but he still appears contemplative.
“What is it?”
These words seldom leave his mouth, but when conversing with you, the words now flow with ease. “I am sorry, I pushed you away and laid the brunt of my problems on you simultaneously.”
“I won’t hold it against you.” You move to lay your head against his chest. “I’ll allow you the rest of our lives to make it up to me. You swore to stay with me til death, after all.”
“Of course.”
You smile and soon enough you find your eyelids feeling heavy again. You close your eyes, and the sensation of your husband’s hand gliding up and down your back accompanies the calming rhythm of his heartbeat. You know that this life won’t be easy, but something tells you that you will be okay.
That you both will be okay.
Notes:
As of right now, I think this is the last chapter. I might write some one-shots that take place in this fic's universe, and if I do, I'l upload them here. Thanks for reading <3
Chapter 8
Notes:
This was just an extra WIP I had laying around, so I figured I should just upload it :) Hopefully I caught any typos.
(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)
Chapter Text
Being with child is a peculiar thing. There is an entire life growing within you, a piece of you, a piece of him, melded into one and growing. Some mix of you and him, you find it oddly poetic.
But it doesn’t seem real sometimes, not often. You are harboring a child that will be born with a burden on its head, born into a cruel world of bloodshed and survival. In a way, you almost think it is cruel to bring a life into such turmoil. Yet, at the same time, the excitement to meet your little one consumes you. You wonder whose eyes the child will have, yours? Or his?
You are excited to hold the child, to cradle them in your arms, and study every feature they will inherit. Yet the inevitable process of your child’s arrival scares you. You’ve heard stories of women who did not survive the birthing process, or passed mere days after delivering their child… You try not to think about that.
Your body aches and changes, grows into something you don’t feel is entirely you, then again, it isn’t. You are two beings, two entities within one. How odd.
These thoughts oscillate back and forth in your head.
“What’re you thinking about?”
You are tugged out of your thought, and so your husband saves you in more ways than one.
A hint of a smile graces your face, “Nothing.”
“I know you.”
To be known is a wonderful thing, a blessing more than it is a curse, you remind yourself.
“I worry,” You breathe out in an all too familiar way, at least it’s familiar to him.
“About you, the child, or yourself?”
‘About all of it,” You confess.
Bi-Han's hand envelopes yours, and his lips grace your knuckles. “You have no need to fear, I’ll ensure you bring our child into this world under the safest circumstances.”
You smile faintly, and a reserved smile emerges on his face in return. You still worry despite his words, and he knows that. His voice, earnest and resonant, rumbles forward, “You will be fine.”
—-----------------------------
Now Bi-Han does feel bad. He’s been paranoid, even if he does not want to admit it. Carrying a child of the clan, a child that’s fathered by the Lin Kuei’s Grandmaster, no less, is practically asking for a target to be placed on your back. It keeps him on edge. So he keeps you hidden as best as possible and reveals your pregnancy to only a select few. He feels bad, almost as if he’s caging you like a bird. Better caged than in danger. You must understand his intentions.
You must.
At the very least, he appreciated that you never complain, even though he can see the strain it puts on you.
That tension lingers in your movements, not solely due to the physicality of carrying a child, but also the anxiety.
That ever-irritating feeling of failure creeps in. He feels like he’s failing you as a husband; he despises the feeling. That, coupled with some sense of offense that you’d worry about the safety of your child when he is fully capable of making sure you both remain safe. But he does his best to remain neutral, for both your sakes.
Some days are heavier than others. You long to go out, not be so confined. Not that you ventured out often beforehand.
You ache for your mother, wanting a sense of security in that way; that you will be fine, the baby will be fine. That thing won’t be too different. That your life will remain as is… Or at least that the incoming change will be positive; more joy than anything else.
You loathe the uncertainty of it all. The months go by achingly slow. New aches and pains emerge in places you least expect. Cravings cripple your senses. You worry that you may be irksome to your husband in this state, but he deserves it. He did this to you, after all.
Your body is growing and stretching in uncomfortable ways, you find raised lines of discolored skin emerging on your stomach and your thighs. You find them unsightly. But your husband traces each one in the dark hours of the night spent between those cotton sheets. His touch is reverent.
Your feet swell, and you nearly throw a tantrum when your favorite shoes do not fit. You kick them off in frustration. He does not take it personally when your shoe hits him. You don’t stop him from giving you a foot massage either.
—-----------------------------
On one day in particular, your worries have overcome your excitement, and he can see it in the slight furrow of your eyebrow. Your lips disappear into a thin line every few moments.
“You will be fine,” He says.
“How do you know that?”
He kneels in front of you, rough and calloused hands grasping your own. “You think I’d ever let anything happen to you.” He still feels offended that you’d even have such a pathetic worry.
Your gaze softens briefly, “It is not that alone.”
He’s silent, urging you to continue, so you do in a dismayed huff. “It’s everything. I feel ill-placed. Like, I am not myself. I don’t recognize my body, and I just.. I worry for our child’s future. This world is brutal. And you of all people should know that. It is riddled with bloodshed and uncertainty.” You avert your eyes, instead choosing to focus on the snowfall outside the window.
And he thought he was rather pessimistic.
Bi-Han gazes at you, takes in your inquisitive eyes, the slope of your neck, the cupid’s bow of your lips. “Life is not all torment. It’s not all pain. There is good in it.” He squeezes your hand gently. “Our child will know that. They’ll experience all of life’s goodness firsthand, especially with you as their mother.”
You look at him tentatively. The sinking feeling begins to wane the longer your eyes bore into his. He is right. However, you refuse to admit it outright.
“And we still won’t be able to protect our child from everything.”
As much as it pains him to say it… “We are not meant to.”
“Well-” You let go of his hand, smooth out the fabric of your dress, and take a deep breath. “I wish we were.”
He lets go of your hand and instead chooses to sit by you, meanwhile, your fingers focus on the hem of your sleeve. His hand comes up to graze down the back of your hair and rests on the back of your neck, coaxing you to look at him.
“I assume most parents would wish that for their children. It does not change anything. Not the world, nor our desires for our child’s well-being. We’ll make sure our child is well equipped to survive in this world.”
You sigh, “That doesn’t make me feel any better.”
He doesn’t apologize; he seldom does. He only presses his lips to your forehead. “Worrying will not do you or the child any good. That much I can tell you.”
But for some reason, it only irritates you further. “Thank you for enlightening me, I had no idea.”
He should find that disrespectful, but it comes off as endearing for him. Still, there’s a hint of snarkiness etched into his voice, “Of course you had no idea.”
You roll your eyes and just wave your hand as if asking him to leave, but he grasps your hand in his. “I’m serious.” He takes his other hand, gently takes hold of your chin, “Do you want anything? Something to eat? New clothes?”
You remain quiet for some time. “A bowl of jujubes?” Red dates were not exactly something you liked normally, but goodness, the cravings for them have plagued you like nothing else these past few weeks.
So he leaves to get them. By the time he returns, you’re sitting on the bed, back to your headboard, hand over your baby bump. He hands the bowl of dates to you, you resist the urge to snatch it. “Thank you,” the words spill out of your lips hesitantly. He scoffs, amused, “You’re welcome.”
He sits by you again on his side of the bed, his fingers brush against your cheeks while you chew on the red dates. “You think our child will prefer similar food?” he says and motions to your bowl. Your look softens, “Maybe… I have a feeling they’ll prefer the food I like.” He smiles, “So, they’ll be picky like you.”
You shoot him a look and swat his arm. He takes it in stride and catches your hand, intertwining your fingers and pressing his lips to the back of it. “You have better taste than I do.”
You look at him for a while. Staring into his brown eyes for just a moment, you wonder if the child will have his eyes, and those same old worries come to mind. And he can tell.
“I can’t promise you that everything will be perfect. But I’ll always do my best to ensure you and the child will be safe and content…” His voice is quieter now, “I love you after all. Both of you.”
The sun has long set outside, moonlight peaks through the window, and you’re tired. You’re so tired. You set the bowl down. Maybe he’s right. You know you can’t change circumstances beyond your reach. You can only manage what fate will allow.
Your gaze returns to his, and he is earnest in his declarations, that much you know. So, if only for tonight, you can rest. You shift slowly, maneuvering so that your head rests on his chest. You close your eyes, honing in on the strong beat of his heart. His arm wraps around you, and one hand rests protectively against your baby bump.
“I’m here,” his voice is deep and soft all at once. Warmth emanates from it.
That is enough to comfort you in this moment. You only nod your head, his hand maneuvering to your jaw so he can tilt your face up to look at him. His lips press to your forehead, and you smile faintly. His embrace provides a comfort that nothing else does.
“I know.”
Notes:
Thanks for reading <3
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