Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Seein' you tonight, it's a bad idea, right?
Seein' you tonight, whatever, it's fine
Yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?
"I only see him as a friend, " the biggest lie I ever said
Oh, yes, I know that he's my ex, but can't two people reconnect?
I only see him as a friend, I just tripped and fell into his bed

Bad Idea, Right - Olivia Rodrigo

Kurt was shirking his best friend and roommate duties because he was “too tired from fashion week”. Blaine wasn’t bitter about it. He definitely wasn’t hoping Kurt could keep him distracted. Instead, Blaine was at the club to clear his head. And he never made good decisions when he was at the club. 

He was hoping to find someone to hook up with in the bathroom, get rid of the churning in his belly, and then he could go home and vegetate on the couch watching Project Runway with Kurt for the rest of the weekend. 

But his plans never worked out. There was always someone to throw a wrench in his plans. Someone six feet tall with enchanting green eyes that he kept telling himself to give up on already. 

So of course he was there, at the club, and any hope Blaine had of actually clearing his head was gone. Blaine saw Sebastian before Sebastian saw him. When Kurt asked him later he’d say it happened the other way. But Blaine knew. Blaine knew he saw Sebastian first and had ample time to leave. And he didn’t.

He sat. And he stared. Until Sebastian turned his way and grinned. Blaine could always see the moment when Sebastian saw him. He’d smile fondly at first until he registered that Blaine was watching him too and then he’d hide the fondness under an arrogant smirk. 

That fondness was why he never left. 

—

“Was that Sebastian I saw leaving your room at 2 AM?” Kurt asked casually, over breakfast. 

Blaine thunked his forehead against the table, his arms folded in front of him, hiding his face. He groaned in response.

“Again, Blaine? It’s been barely a week since the last time.”

Blaine groaned again.

“It’s been two years, B. How long are you gonna let him keep coming back when you know he’s not going to stay?”

Blaine finally raised his head and propped his chin on his arms. “I don’t mean to,” he said and then took a deep breath. “I always tell myself that it’s the last time, next time I see him I’ll walk the other direction.”

“But…” Kurt encouraged

“But then his eyes land on me and he looks at me like I’m the only person in the room and I just–” he fanned his fingers out, palms up, “I’m lost.”

Kurt sighed, but his scowl was mixed with an exasperated smile. “Does Santana need to give you another talking to?”

“God no,” Blaine said, sitting up, “last time she promised she’d curse him with erectile dysfunction anytime he saw me.”

“And I’m assuming she didn’t hold up that promise?”

“Kurt,” Blaine said with a pointed look, “our walls aren’t thick. You heard how much that did not work.”

Kurt laughed, “Maybe next time she can teach you how to be quieter.”

“I’m not loud with anyone else!” 

Kurt rolled his eyes. “Because you bring home so many other people, Blaine.” 

Blaine slumped in his chair. He was right. And Blaine knew it. It had been two years since he broke things off with Sebastian. Two years of nearly weekly hookups that he always said would be the last one. He could barely remember the last time he fucked someone who wasn’t Sebastian. 

Chapter Text

Like castles in the sand
Here and gone again
The walls keep crumbling
Here and gone again
I keep chasing ever after
I keep falling into patterns
Turning love into a hazard
What a beautiful, beautiful disaster

Beautiful Disaster - Chord Overstreet

Their breakup had been… well, messy wasn’t quite the right word. On Blaine’s end, it definitely was. He spent weeks where he only left the house for work and then immediately returned to his bed. Kurt usually crawled in with him when he got home, offering him a shoulder to cry on before eventually forcing Blaine out of bed to eat dinner. 

Santana did a lot of cooking for them around that time. She still had a key to their apartment, so she let herself in most nights to cook and then left without even saying hi. Blaine knew she didn’t do comfort well. But she did her best.

They’d been together since high school, and everyone had told him Sebastian was bad news. But he couldn’t help the pull he felt towards him from the moment they first met. Their eyes had locked and something in him just clicked into place. Like, oh, you’re here. Finally. 

And it was good in high school. Sebastian was crass, but he hyped Blaine up like no one else. He looked at Blaine like he hung the moon and the stars and Blaine looked at him the same way. And the second he found out Blaine was a virgin he completely backed off until Blaine was ready, and when they did have sex for the first time he was the most patient and kind partner Blaine could have hoped for. He reassured Blaine when he thought he was messing it up, and always checked in to make sure he was still okay. It was as close to a fairytale first time as Blaine could expect to happen on a twin-sized bed in his dorm room.

But Sebastian’s home life wasn’t great. His relationship with his father was strained, and Blaine knew that his parents barely talked to each other and usually communicated through Sebastian. And when Sebastian was struggling, he had a tendency to pull away. To seclude himself from everyone, including Blaine, until he felt he could come back out with his typical smirk firmly in place. 

And in high school, when the problems were usually caused by outside forces, Blaine could accept that. But as they got older…

They lived together for their first two years of college. And it was usually good. But when things weren’t, Sebastian would disappear for days on end, leaving Blaine frantic. He wouldn’t pick up his phone, none of their friends could get ahold of him, and it always left Blaine feeling so helpless. He never knew what was wrong, if it was something he did, or something else. And Sebastian would rarely speak about what had happened after he came back. 

When Sebastian disappeared for two whole weeks, Blaine moved out. He couldn’t do it anymore. He just couldn’t handle not knowing if his boyfriend was ever going to come back. So he moved into the bonus room in Kurt and Santana’s apartment and waited for Sebastian to call him.

It took another two weeks for the call to come, and Blaine didn’t know if Sebastian had stayed gone for that long, or if he had been waiting for Blaine to come back. It was the only time Blaine had ever heard Sebastian cry. He was panicked and rambling out apologies and begging Blaine to come back.

Blaine told him no.

He couldn’t sit around their apartment all alone when Sebastian needed space. He couldn’t pace around wondering when or if he was coming back. He was going to stay with Kurt and Santana. So when Sebastian needed his space, Blaine could at least imagine he was safe in his own apartment, and Blaine had a support system. 

They made that work for another few years. Things were easier when Blaine didn’t have to know if Sebastian was isolating or just busy. And it felt like Sebastian was isolating less. He’d cut off all contact with his father. He was graduating from college having already been accepted into a master’s program. Blaine spent most nights at Sebastian’s apartment, half of his stuff lived there again. He was actually considering moving back in.

But then Sebastian’s father died. And Sebastian disappeared for over two months. And Blaine didn’t even know why. 

He found out a few months after they broke up. He felt really guilty for leaving Sebastian when he was dealing with the complicated grief over losing a distant and oftentimes abusive father. But there was no way he could have known at the time. Sebastian didn’t tell him.

He’d blocked Sebastian’s phone number in the aftermath. He unblocked it when the news of his father’s death finally made it to him. He apologized and gave his condolences and told Sebastian he would be there if he wanted to talk. 

Sebastian never responded. So Blaine blocked his number again a few months later. He didn’t need the temptation

The first time they ran into each other afterward, Blaine didn’t know what to expect. Six years of a relationship and then six months of silence. It was in the club, where it usually was. The same club they’d always gone to together. The same club Blaine knew he should avoid.

But he saw him across the room and he didn’t even think before he approached him. Neither of them spoke, they just danced. But then dancing led to kissing which led to Sebastian fucking him in the back seat of his car. 

Blaine unblocked his number again afterward, but Sebastian never contacted him. 

But it kept happening. They’d end up at the club again, and they’d see each other across the room, and then they’d have sex in the bathroom, the car, the alley. They never took it to either of their places. Sebastian still lived in the same apartment and Blaine couldn’t risk Kurt seeing them together. 

They didn’t talk about it. They didn’t talk at all aside from the normal platitudes exchanged during sex. A series of Oh gods and fucks and harders . 

The secret didn’t last forever, though. Santana’s latest fling saw them exiting the bathroom together, faces flushed, hair mussed, and sent a cheeky Snapchat to Santana and Kurt. She didn’t know who Sebastian was. She didn’t know the chaos she had just unleashed on Blaine. 

The intervention was swift. They gathered all of their friends and gave Blaine all of the reasons why he and Sebastian weren’t good together. Why he needed to stop whatever they were doing before he got seriously hurt. Before he ended up hurting Sebastian without ever knowing it. 

He avoided the club for a few weeks. But there was an itch under his skin that was driving him up the wall, so when Kurt had to leave for the weekend for a family emergency, Blaine caved. 

He called Sebastian. 

And he came over. 

And then again the next night. 

And the night after.

That third night left them exhausted and Sebastian fell asleep before they thought better of it. Blaine misjudged when Kurt would come back, and he also didn’t think about how they had both gotten in the habit of crawling into bed with each other when they were having a rough time.

He didn’t hear the bedroom door open. But Sebastian did. 

“Good morning, Hummel,” Sebastian said, a sleepy smirk tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

Blaine sat bolt upright, panicked eyes meeting Kurt’s. It didn’t help that they were both still naked, and the sheet that fell across their laps did little to hide that. He didn’t know what to say, what to do. And then Sebastian leaned over and kissed his shoulder and wrapped an arm around his waist, and his panic eased.

“Blaine,” Kurt said, face pinched, “can we talk in the hall for a minute?”

Sebastian felt the way Blaine’s heart rate increased and pulled him closer into his side. “Actually, we’re a little busy right now, Kurt,” he said, his eyes daring Kurt to object. He mouthed at Blaine’s neck and Blaine simply gaped like a fish.

Kurt left with a huff.

Sebastian stopped. 

He moved away from Blaine and stood as he rounded up his clothes.

“Seb,” Blaine said softly.

Sebastian paused while buttoning up his pants, but didn’t turn.

“Seb,” Blaine repeated, “come back to bed.”

Sebastian took a deep breath. “I don’t think Kurt would like that.”

“Since when do you care what Kurt thinks? Especially now?”

“I just wanted to give you a moment to think before he went off on you. We both know you shouldn’t be doing this.”

Blaine swung his legs over the side of the bed and reached out for Sebastian. Sebastian let himself be pulled back to sit beside Blaine. “But you should be?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes. “I’m the one who makes the bad decisions in this relationship, you’re supposed to be the reasonable one. You should know that what we’re doing isn’t good for you.”

“But it’s good for you?”

Sebastian scrubbed his hand over his face. “It doesn’t matter. I’m not good for you, so you should really put an end to this.”

Blaine cocked his head. “If you believe that, why haven’t you put an end to it? Why do you keep going back to the same club if you don’t want this to happen? Why did you pick up the phone?”

Sebastian stood and put his arms through the sleeves of his shirt but left it hanging open. He walked to the door and Blaine thought he was going to leave without another word, but he paused with his hand on the doorknob. Sebastian thunked his head against the door and groaned. 

And then he turned, and he straddled Blaine’s lap, and he kissed him like he needed Blaine as much as he needed food, or water, or air. Every fiber of his being seemed to be poured into that kiss and all Blaine could do was hold him close and accept it. When Sebastian finally pulled away, his eyes were wet.

“This should really be goodbye,” he whispered against Blaine’s lips.

“And if I don’t want it to be?” Blaine asked.

Sebastian shook his head. He kissed Blaine one last time, and then he left.

—

Blaine managed to stay away for a month that time. He went to different clubs. He let Kurt hook him up on some bad first dates. Let Santana hook him up on some even worse one-night stands. And he really thought he was finally over Sebastian. 

It was the only time since this had started happening that Blaine didn’t actually see Sebastian first. He was at a club that wasn’t theirs and he knew he’d had a little too much to drink. He was just so stressed from work and he needed to let go and he’d deleted Sebastian’s number so he couldn’t be tempted and he was really regretting that decision because all he wanted to do was have him fuck his brains out so he could just stop thinking.

And then there was Ben who kept buying Blaine drinks and he knew he should have stopped half a dozen shots ago but his brain was muddled and he couldn’t even think straight and suddenly Ben had him pressed against a wall by the bathroom, his mouth sucking greedily on Blaine’s neck as he guided Blaine’s hand inside his pants–

And then there was Sebastian. Dragging him away. Shoving him towards a bouncer. And then he was back. And he cupped Blaine’s cheek and tried to speak to him. But Blaine couldn’t understand what he was saying and his vision was so hazy, he just wanted to go to sleep. 

So Sebastian took him home.

He tried to sleep on the couch. But Blaine clung to his arm and dragged him back into the bed. Blaine didn’t know if he was begging verbally as well, but Sebastian relinquished. He kicked his shoes off and let Blaine pull him in. Blaine kissed him desperately and Sebastian let him. But the second Blaine reached for the button of his jeans Sebastian pulled his hands away.

“You’re too drunk, baby,” he whispered and Blaine could finally hear him past the rushing in his ears. 

“It’s okay,” Blaine tried to plead.

“It’s really not,” Sebastian said.

“But it’s you .”

Sebastian’s brow was furrowed as he studied Blaine’s face. “Ask again tomorrow, okay? When you’re sober enough to remember it.”

—

Blaine did ask. Once he was cognizant enough and Sebastian had made him a big enough and greasy enough breakfast to ease his headache. Sebastian shook his head with a smile. But he did take Blaine to bed.

And afterward, when Sebastian was in the shower, Blaine stole his phone and texted himself. Blaine was just grateful he still used the same pin he had since high school. 

—

Kurt and Blaine came to a silent understanding. Blaine wasn't going to stop seeing Sebastian. No matter how hard Kurt tried to convince him, it just wasn't going to happen. 

So they agreed that Kurt would stop trying to intervene and in exchange, he didn't have to pretend to be polite to Sebastian.

Though that wasn't all that much of a change. It had been difficult to tell if Kurt and Sebastian were actually friends or just bitter rivals who put up with each other for Blaine. But their verbal sparring matches certainly took on a new level of viciousness. 

He tried not to make a habit of Sebastian spending the night at his place. But he also rarely had the courage to step through the entryway of his and Sebastian’s old apartment. He usually only allowed Sebastian to kiss him silly with his back pressed against the front door before he left him for the night. So, more often than not, when they wanted privacy, Blaine’s place it was. 

And on the rare night that Sebastian didn’t leave shortly after the deed was one, he was guaranteed to wake up to him and Kurt bickering in the kitchen the next morning. But Sebastian was sweet in the morning. He was usually in the kitchen cooking Blaine breakfast when Kurt found him, and even as they started fighting, Sebastian would pour Kurt a cup of coffee and hand it to him. Blaine knew Sebastian thought of his fights with Kurt as a game. Blaine was never quite sure if Kurt thought the same. 

—

Blaine found out about the boyfriend by accident. 

Sebastian was in the shower, and he’d left his phone on the bed like he usually did. And then it started ringing. And ringing. And ringing. The fifth time Jeremy called, he finally picked up.

“Sebastian Smythe’s phone, he’s unavailable at the moment, can I take a message for you?”

There was silence on the other end.

“Hello?” Blaine asked, pulling the phone away from his ear to check that the call actually connected. He could still see the numbers slowly counting up and Jeremy’s name was still large and bright at the top of the screen.

He put the phone back to his ear just in time to hear a shaky breath and then the call disconnected. Blaine stared at the phone in his hand for a long moment, not sure what to make of the situation until Sebastian finally exited the bathroom.

Blaine looked up at him, his brown creased and his lips pursed. “Bas… who’s Jeremy?”

Sebastian’s face fell and Blaine could see his walls rising as he began to shut Blaine out.

“No,” Blaine said firmly, “you are not going to do that to me right now. Who. Is. Jeremy?”

Sebastian looked away and flexed his jaw. “My boyfriend,” he said.

Blaine felt like he’d been punched in the gut. Even though he saw it coming he still reeled back. Sebastian’s jaw was set, he wouldn’t meet Blaine’s eye. “How long?” 

Sebastian folded his arms over his chest. “Six months.”

Blaine ran a shaking hand through his hair. Two years of this and he thought they were on the same page. Two years and he thought he fully understood exactly where they stood. Two years… and he thought maybe they’d end up together at the end of it. 

Blaine stood and gathered his clothes. Sebastian let him. 

—

Blaine didn’t tell Kurt. 

He didn’t tell anyone. 

Until Santana plied him with tequila and he ended up on her and Brittany’s living room floor spilling his guts to her.

“I just can’t–” Blaine hiccupped, “--I just can’t believe he though–thought. That I’d be okay with… that . Being the other man. Like some, some, some, some floozy .”

“Well, he clearly knew you wouldn’t be okay with that which is why he didn’t tell you,” Santana said as she took Blaine’s glass from him to refill it. “He’s not the dreamboat you make him out to be, Anderson. We’ve been telling you since high school that he’s a sleazeball–”

“You!” Blaine said, pointing at her, “You liked him. You two were frien–friends.”

“Well, I’m also a sleazeball, which is why you shouldn’t have ever trusted him.” She handed him a glass that was far more tequila than sunrise but Blaine could barely taste the alcohol anymore. 

Blaine took a long drink before letting his head fall back against her couch. “I just… I don’t know who I am… I don’t know who I am without him. Like–like you and Brittany. He’s my other half.”

“You need a better other half, Blaine.”

Chapter Text

Wanna stay, wanna run, wanna disappear
I keep biting my tongue just to keep you here
Made you wait for someone I could never be
And it's killing me

Comfort - Nicholas Galitzine

Sebastian Smythe never thought he’d fall in love. He had watched his parents his whole life, the way love had grown stagnant and turned into hatred, or worse, indifference. He never wanted to watch someone he once loved grow to simply not care. So he lost his virginity at the soonest opportunity and spent the next few years of his life experimenting with anyone that was willing to sleep with him. Figuring out what he liked and how to get it. 

So when he met Blaine Anderson, he mistook his feelings for lust. It was a stronger desire than he had ever felt before, but he knew exactly how to sate it and move on. 

But Blaine wasn’t as easy of a conquest. He rebutted his every advance and rolled his eyes every time Sebastian tried to flirt with him. It was infuriating. And exciting. 

But while Blaine had no interest in sleeping with Sebastian, he certainly didn’t avoid him. He sought him out at every school event, sat with him at lunch, dragged him into study groups, even hand-delivered an invitation to the Warblers. For all his rebuttals, Blaine certainly didn’t seem to actually be disinterested in Sebastian. 

Blaine was lying on his stomach on the floor of Sebastian’s dorm room, working on a history paper while Sebastian pretended to be doing calculus on his bed. Instead, he was watching Blaine casually. The way he drummed his fingers against his textbook and bit the end of his pen. His feet casually kicking in the air behind him. He really provided an enticing view.

“I can feel you ogling me, Sebastian,” he said without looking up.

Sebastian grinned and snapped his textbook shut. “Oh yeah, and what are you going to do about it?”

Blaine sighed, and it wasn’t the half-annoyed, half-amused sigh Sebastian normally got. It sounded resigned. “You know my answer to that, Sebastian.”

Sebastian slid to the end of the bed. “What are you waiting on, Killer? You’re here, in my room, alone, in spite of all of your friends’ advice. You clearly want this just as much as I do.”

Blaine folded his arms and buried his face in them. He groaned in frustration before pushing himself up and turning to face Sebastian. “What I’m waiting on,” he said, “is for you to pull your head out of your ass and ask me on an actual date instead of just trying to get in my pants.”

Sebastian laughed and Blaine flushed, looking away, his jaw tense. “You know I don’t do dates, Anderson.”

“And I don’t do casual sex, so we’re at an impasse.” Blaine started to gather his things.

“Blaine, come on,” Sebastian said, sliding onto his knees on the floor, reaching out to stop Blaine’s hands. “You’re making such a big deal out of this–”

“Maybe I don’t want to lose my virginity to someone who’s gonna put a notch in their headboard!” Blaine cried. “Maybe I want to be in a relationship, maybe even be in love. You may be okay with sex not meaning anything, but it means something to me, okay?”

Sebastian sat back on his heels, face pale. Blaine’s bottom lip quivered. He sniffled and dragged the back of his hand over his nose. He finished gathering his things and stood up. Sebastian looked up at him, but Blaine wouldn’t meet his eyes. He bit his lip like there was something he wanted to say before he shook his head and left. 

Sebastian was still reeling. He knew Blaine was a romantic, but he didn’t know he was a virgin. He’d certainly popped the cherry of many of his partners, but he hadn’t expected Blaine to be one of them. He was too accepting of Sebastian’s innuendos. Too comfortable with just glaring at Sebastian. Not the stuttered blushing he normally got that clued him in on the situation. 

He’d also definitely seen frustrated tears pooling in Blaine’s eyes before he left.

And those tears left him more shaken than he was comfortable with.

—

Sebastian let Blaine avoid him for a week. 

A week of Sebastian pacing his room, fighting with the guilt that raged through him.

A week of ignoring any and all attempts from his other friends to spend time with him.

A week locked in his solo dorm room sorting out why hurting Blaine upset him so much.

He tracked Blaine down with a bouquet of flowers on the seventh day. He was in the library with Kurt, his best friend who loathed Sebastian far more than any of Blaine’s other friends. He took a deep breath and approached them, the flowers held behind his back.

Blaine looked up, brow creased when he saw the nervous tapping of Sebastian’s foot. He knew it would look strange to Blaine. Sebastian Smythe didn’t get nervous. Cool and aloof were the words destined to be written on his gravestone. But Sebastian was terrified.

“I’m sorry,” he blurted out. Blaine sat up straighter, looking at Sebastian with interest. Kurt scowled beside him, eyes narrowed. “I’m sorry I was an asshole. I’m sorry I… I’m sorry I laughed when you said you wanted me to ask you on a date. That was cruel. I’m sorry for hurting you.” He presented the flowers and Blaine’s jaw dropped. Even Kurt’s gaze softened a little bit. “I didn’t know what your favorite flower was, but… your smile lights up the room like you’re just a ball of sunshine, and that’s what marigolds always make me think of.”

Blaine took them carefully, staring at them in gentle awe. He stroked the petals and buried his nose in them and Sebastian’s anxiety started to quell.

“I don’t… this isn’t something I’m familiar with. I don’t do,” he gestured at the flowers, “this.” He ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t understand what you make me feel, but what I do understand is that when I thought about never getting to see that smile again…” he shrugged, “it felt like I was dying.”

Blaine’s eyes went misty. 

“Wait, no,” Sebastian said, “that wasn’t supposed to make you cry.”

Blaine laughed wetly and rubbed a hand over his eyes. “I’m sorry, that’s just… do you realize how fucking romantic that sounds?”

Sebastian pursed his lips. “Don’t say that too loudly, I have a reputation to uphold.”

Blaine shook his head, that look of exasperated fondness he always had for Sebastian was back where it belonged and Sebastian’s heart warmed. Blaine raised an eyebrow at him. “Do you have something else to say, Sebastian?”

Sebastian smiled and bit his lip. “Would you, Blaine Anderson, accompany me to dinner at La Scala tomorrow night?”

Blaine’s smile was blinding. 

—

Accepting that he had fallen in love was very difficult for Sebastian. 

Telling Blaine he loved him for the first time was terrifying.

Blaine hesitated for the smallest moment, his jaw dropped in surprise, and Sebastian’s heart crumpled. 

But then Blaine was grabbing his face in both hands and kissing him desperately, whispering “I love you”s into Sebastian’s mouth and his heart knit itself back together. 

Maybe they’d be different. 

Maybe Sebastian was worthy of love. And maybe Blaine would be willing to love him for the rest of their lives. All he had to do was not scare him away.

—

  Every sane person would tell Sebastian that isolating himself from Blaine anytime he had a negative emotion was unhealthy. And maybe they were right. All Sebastian knew was that he would do anything to keep Blaine, and allowing Blaine to see the darkest parts of him was not conducive to that happening.

He’d always had a habit of hiding from the world.

His father told him self-doubt showed how little he had grown up.

His mother told him his anger wasn’t befitting of a gentleman.

So when he felt anything his parents deemed unsuitable, he hid in his room, he went for a long drive, he ran into the woods behind their house. So no one could see that he wasn’t perfect. That he was terrified of the day that everyone figured out what a fraud he was. That behind the arrogant smirk was a boy who’d never been allowed to cry.

Blaine was certainly not allowed to see that part of him. 

—

The day that Sebastian came home from one of his personally prescribed mental health sabbaticals and found their apartment devoid of any sign of Blaine, he felt like he was dying.

He convinced himself it was a mistake. Something else had to be going on. Blaine wouldn’t just… leave him. He’d done everything in his power to make sure Blaine stayed. He would come back. Maybe it was his turn for a mental health sabbatical. 

After a week he realized he was lying to himself. 

Blaine had left.

He hadn’t had a panic attack since he moved out of his parent’s house. But the crushing weight of losing Blaine suddenly crashed down on him all at once and he couldn’t breathe. He ended up in a ball on the living room floor, sobbing and screaming, clawing at his hair. Blaine was the only thing good in his life. The only person who had ever truly cared about him. 

And he was gone.

He didn’t know at what point he called Blaine. He didn’t know why he’d called him. This was exactly the kind of thing he had protected Blaine from for years. But suddenly he heard Blaine’s voice over the phone as he pleaded for him to just come home. 

Blaine didn’t.

But he didn’t break up with Sebastian either.

Sebastian had to accept what he could get.

—

Sebastian didn’t register time after his father died. He couldn’t see the passage of it. He had no way to keep track of it. He let his phone die and never recharged it. He just floated around his parent’s house, now devoid of his mother who went to the lake house to “grieve”. He didn’t think she was actually grieving. He assumed she was sipping mimosas and getting “massages” from attractive men younger than Sebastian. 

In the back of his head, he knew he should tell Blaine. He knew it wasn’t good for him to be alone with those feelings. To be alone in that house. 

But habit told him he would scare Blaine away. 

He would figure it out. He’d compartmentalize. And he’d go home. And everything would be fine.

When he finally turned on his phone again, he saw the text from Blaine.

He had months of text backlogged in his phone. Hundreds from Blaine. Dozens of voicemails of Blaine begging him to just tell him he was okay. The final message had been sent a month before.

I can’t do this anymore. I’m sorry.

Sebastian knew it was too late. 

He turned the phone off again.

And started the grieving process anew.

—

Sebastian didn’t know why dating Blaine had turned him into a relationship kind of person. He thought it was only something he wanted with Blaine. But suddenly he had a new boyfriend every couple of weeks. Someone he said he’d stick with. He could make them stay.

They never did. Sometimes it was him that pushed them away. Cut off contact. Blocked their number. Usually, he just disappeared for a week and they assumed it was over.

So he really didn’t think much of it when he and Blaine started… whatever they were doing. Fooling around. Breaking each other’s hearts. 

Sure, he knew it was cheating, but he also knew they’d leave him anyway. So why would he let them stop him from having one last happy moment with Blaine?

—

Jeremy… Jeremy didn’t seem to have an interest in leaving. He was patient. He was kind. He didn’t leave when Sebastian disappeared on him.

He was like Blaine.

He didn’t make Sebastian feel the same things he had for Blaine. No one ever could. But he had the same soft smile, and the same concerned look when Sebastian came back to him after going no contact for a few days. 

He didn’t even realize they’d hit six months until Jeremy brought him flowers.

He knew it was a choice to let Blaine be there on a day he had plans with Jeremy. He’d never had trouble telling Blaine he was busy before. But suddenly he just didn’t want to do it anymore. He didn’t want to be with Jeremy. 

He hadn’t expected Blaine to leave.

He didn’t know why it surprised him. It really shouldn’t have.

Blaine was a romantic.

Of course, he’d probably thought that despite the irregularity of their hookups that Sebastian was only seeing him. That it was proof that they were meant to be. That they could work it out.

Sebastian didn’t have it in him to be that foolish. 

Maybe he’d wanted Blaine to leave.

To break himself free of whatever hold Sebastian still had over him.

But why did it feel just as awful as the first time he’d left?

—

Sebastian felt the imposing and enraged presence of Santana Lopez before he even turned around. Kurt was fun to bicker with. No matter how vicious they got, Kurt always kept Blaine’s emotions as a top priority. And fully tearing down Sebastian was not conducive to that. So he held back.

Santana didn’t have the same qualms. 

Sebastian had intentionally stayed away from her since he and Blaine had started seeing each other again. Santana was just as likely to castrate him as to verbally assault him if it meant keeping him from hurting Blaine again. 

He was too drunk to think of a quick escape. Or maybe he wanted to take any beating she had to give him. He certainly deserved it. 

“Finding someone else to cheat on your boyfriend with, Smythe?” she said. 

Sebastian chewed on the inside of his bottom lip. “We broke up, actually. Thanks for asking.”

“Ahh, did he finally realize you’re more of a snake than a human?”

Sebastian rolled his eyes and signaled for another round of shots from the bartender. 

“Blaine is a mess right now,” she said, her gaze hard. 

“Good,” Sebastian said, knocking back both shots quickly.

He was surprised she didn’t punch him. “You’ve always been a prick, Sebastian, but intentionally hurting Blaine is a new fucking low for you.”

Sebastian pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’m not– I didn’t want to hurt him. But maybe he’ll finally come to his senses and stay away from me. You’re not the only one who knows I was never good enough for him.”

Santana’s eyes softened the slightest bit. “Why haven’t you stayed away from him?”

“Because I have no regard for Blaine’s emotions, obviously. That and zero self-control.”

“Do you want this to be over? Are you trying to throw a nearly decade long relationship down the garbage shoot? Or is some part of you desperately trying to save it?”

Sebastian leveled her with a glare. “What are you doing here, Santana? I’m leaving him alone. I’ll block his number. Fuck, I’ll even move so he can’t storm our–” he took a deep breath, “my, so he can’t storm my apartment.”

“Is that why you haven’t moved? Why you’ve stayed there in a place that must be filled to the brim with memories of him? Are you torturing yourself? Hoping he’ll find his way home like a lost cat? Back to you ?”

“It doesn’t matter,” Sebastian bit out. 

Santana’s vicious anger had died and all she had for him was eyes filled with pity and curiosity. It made him sick. 

He grabbed his last shot, downed it, and left.

Chapter Text

How could I be better off without you?
When I'm not better off without you
No, I'm not better off without you, yeah
You say you're such a mess
I like the mess you make
Think you're too hot-headed
You're not that hard to tame
When your puzzled heart's missin' a piece or two
That's good enough for me
I love what's left of you

What’s Left of You - Chord Overstreet

Santana showed up on Sebastian’s doorstep with an armful of journals and a bottle of tequila. He looked her up and down with a single eyebrow lifted.

“Are you going to invite me in?” she asked.

“I’m trying to figure out how you plan to kill me with those,” he said, but stepped to the side to grant her entrance. 

She rolled her eyes as she moved to the living room and dropped the heavy stack on the coffee table. “Did you know Anderson kept journals? He’s got dozens of these hidden in his closet.”

Sebastian froze and looked down at the stack of hardcover notebooks, all with Blaine’s gentle script flowing across the cover with his name and age. “You stole Blaine’s journals?” 

“Only the ones from junior year or later. You don’t need to see the prepubescent repressed Blaine ramblings.”

“Santana I don’t think–”

“Oh don’t lie to me,” she said, cutting him off, “don’t act like you’ve never wanted a look inside Anderson’s queer little head. Haven’t wished you could dissect his brain and understand everything you would need to do to get him back and make sure he stays?”

“No,” Sebastian said, “no, I really haven’t. I don’t want to look inside his head, inside his journals, those are his private thoughts and they should stay private. If I looked at them–” I’d have to share my own. I’d have to tell him everything. 

And then I’d never get him back.

Santana sighed and picked one up and started flipping through the pages until she finally found what she was looking for. She cleared her throat.

“ November 27th, 2014 ,” she began.

“ I Skyped with the family today. Grandma said she couldn’t wait to teach my future wife her secret apple pie recipe. Again. Mom and Dad didn’t say anything even as they knew Sebastian was just off-screen, finishing up our own Thanksgiving dinner.

“He snorted. Rolled his eyes.

“I don’t know why this doesn’t bother him. The way my entire extended family just acts like he doesn’t exist, like he hasn’t been with me at every family holiday for the last two years. Like we don’t live together, didn’t move to New York together.

“Me and my ‘friend’ Sebastian. My ‘roommate’. 

“I complained about it for an hour afterwards. Talked about how their complete dismissal of our relationship hurt. How it scared me. The idea that they might cut him out if I died. Or keep him from visiting me in the hospital. 

“He just shrugged. 

“And fuck it pissed me off. He’s the most important thing in my life. He is my life. And he doesn’t seem concerned that my family doesn’t care about him? That they don’t consider our relationship anything worth mentioning or acknowledging. 

“Why doesn’t it piss him off? Why doesn’t it make him angry? Why doesn’t he fight to be acknowledged? To be noticed?

“‘You’re all I need, baby,’ he said, ‘they don’t matter.’”

“But he matters. He’s important. He deserves to be seen. Why can’t he fucking accept that?”

Santana closed the notebook and sat it aside and selected another one. Sebastian grit his teeth, staring at the floor. He was trying to block it out, trying to force the words out of his mind, forget everything she was saying.

“I won’t pain you with the details of this one. It is pretty intense,” she said. “It’s from a year or so after that one. You should probably read the whole thing, but I’ll just jump to the important part.

“Do you think he thinks I’m weak? Because I entrust him with my dark moments? Does he wish I wouldn’t? Would he rather I went to Kurt? Or Santana? Or simply bottle it up the way he does?

“Does he think I don’t know he’s broken? That we’re all broken? You don’t get through life with parents like ours without some cracks. Does he think he’s fooling me?”

Sebastian clenched and unclenched his hands at his side, taking deep, shaking breaths as he tried to calm himself. “I’ve never thought he was weak,” he said. “He’s the strongest person I know. He knows that.”

Santana raised an eyebrow at him.

“Do you think he’ll ever let me in?”

Sebastian flinched. Blaine didn’t want that. Not really. He didn’t know what he was asking for. The parts of Sebastian he’d never been allowed to see weren’t pretty. They were dark and mangled things. 

Santana flipped to a new page.

“I can tell when he’s going to run now. I usually have a week’s notice on average. He gets quiet. Lost in his head. He tenses anytime I ask him a question, no matter how trivial. Are you hungry? What movie would you like to watch? Do you work this weekend? 

“I don’t know if it’s better. Recognizing the signs.

“If I asked what was wrong, would he tell me? Would he run faster? Would we fight about it?

“We never fight.

“Do I want to fight? Would it be better? If he raised his voice at me? If he yelled?”

“Why are you doing this?” Sebastian snapped. “What are you hoping to accomplish?”

“I’m trying to show you how you can fix it,” Santana said tossing the book at him. Sebastian fumbled to catch it and held it close to his chest. “Blaine loves you, and I’m pretty sure he always will. And until last week I thought it was for the best that he learned how to let you go. 

“But you’re not who you want us all to believe you are, Sebastian Smythe. And he knows that. He sees something inside of you worth crying over, worth fighting for. And I’ll be damned if you let all of your self-loathing throw everything he’s fought for down the drain because you’re scared.”

“It won’t work!” Sebastian shouted. “If I tell him… if I tell him what he wants to know. If I let him in.” He shook his head. “He won’t like what he sees.”

“How can you ever be sure of that if you don’t give him a chance? Give yourself a chance?”

—

Santana didn’t stick around for too long after that. But she refused to take the journals with her. Left them sitting on Sebastian’s coffee table. He gathered them up and put them in the closet. He’d figure out how to get them back to Blaine later. Right now he just needed a fucking drink. 

He sat on his couch and stared at the coat closet across the room from him. He wasn’t going to read the journals. He hadn’t even wanted to hear what Santana had read to him, he certainly wasn’t going to go snooping on his own. 

Keeping the whiskey bottle beside him instead of in the kitchen was a dangerous choice. It was too easy to keep refilling his glass every time he emptied it. And it was too simple to just forgo the glass entirely and drink straight from the bottle. 

He stood when he suddenly realized he didn’t know how full the bottle had been when he’d started and how close to empty it was getting. He stumbled into his kitchen and put it in the freezer. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight, out of mind. Out of sight–

He was standing in front of the open closet door, staring down at Blaine’s journals. He blinked blearily down at them, not sure how exactly he’d gotten over here. When he’d opened the door. He dropped to his knees in front of them.

—

He found himself sitting in the living room floor, all of the journals spread out around him. He flipped through them absently, reading a page here or there until something stuck out to him, made him stay. 

He wanted to underline, highlight, tab, find some way to organize eight years of Blaine’s private thoughts. But how could he? By emotion? By subject? By how they made him feel? How much guilt they welled up in him?

He settled for taking photos. Photos he swore he would delete in the morning when he’d sobered up. 

It was a good thing Sebastian never planned on seeing Blaine again. He didn’t know how he could look him in the face after this betrayal. It was like Facebook stalking but far more intimate. Digging into the recesses of Blaine’s mind to all the crevices he never wanted Sebastian to see. 

Except he did. Time and time again Blaine lamented about all the things he wanted to tell Sebastian. All the times he covered the pages in words and tears he wanted to share with his boyfriend. 

Sebastian came to a scattered set of entries.

Short.

Choppy.

Scared.

He’s gone again. I didn’t see it coming this time. It must have been fast whatever cause it. He didn’t even take his go bag this time. It took me a full 24 hours to realize he was gone because of it.

He should be back soon. It’s been three days. That’s usually when he caps out.

It’s been a week. Noone has heard from him. I didn’t expect them to. I’m trying not to worry.  

Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he? Where is he?

Blaine’s scribbles grew more and more frantic. The ink smeared and the pages rippled from water damage, it went on for pages and pages to the point the words weren’t even legible. They eventually flowed into mindless scribbles of ink. Agressive swirls and whorls, ripping the paper in some place, taking up the page like floating monsters of black, filled with anxiety and anger. 

And then, finally.

I don’t even know if he’s alive.

Sebastian shut the journal with a snap. 

—

Sober Sebastian was just as bad at keeping promises as drunk Sebastian. Sober Sebastian foun himself in bed the next morning with Blaine’s journals littering the covers. Some had been knocked into the floor. Some were open, face down. Some were crudely bookmarked with scraps of paper, pencils, tissues, even a condom (still in its package). 

Instead of putting them away, deleting the photos like he said he would, he found himself delving back in, rereading passages he’d already seen, jotting things down in his notes app on his phone.

He knew he shouldn’t.

He’d said he wouldn’t.

But Santana’s word’s kept ringing in his ears. I’m trying to show you how you can fix it.

It was stupid of him to believe it was possible. It was selfish of him to even want to try. 

But fuck it. 

—

A week later found Sebastian standing in front of Blaine’s apartment, the mountain of journals Santana had brought him stacked neatly in a box now.

“Blaine’s not here,” Kurt said, leveling Sebastian with a hard glare.

“I know,” Sebastian said, shifting the box in his arms. He’d planned for that. Done his best to remember Kurt’s work schedule so that he would be the one home when he arrived.  “I wanted to get these back to him, but I thought it best he didn’t see me.”

Kurt peeked inside the box to see the dozen or so leatherbound notebooks. His jaw dropped. “Blaine doesn’t even show me those,” he said, suspicious.

“I know,” Sebastian said, “Santana stole them.”

Kurt folded his arms. “Why’d she give them to you?” he said, his eyes narrowed.

“Why does Santana do anything?” Sebastian asked.

“Normally I’d say for the drama,” Kurt said, bouncing his head, “but not when it comes to Blaine. Not when it could hurt him.” Sebastian felt the barb in his gut. Knew that Kurt expected little else from him than breaking Blaine’s already battered heart some more, and saw his possession of the journals as just another way for Sebastian to do that.

Sebastian sighed. “It doesn’t matter, I just thought he’d like them back. So if you’ll just take them, I’ll get out of your hair.” Sebastian thrust the notebooks at him.

Kurt took them with a frown. Sebastian watched him calculate the reasons Santana would have entrusted Sebastian with Blaine’s thoughts. Why she would have thought it would do them some good. “Did you read them?” he asked. 

Sebastian folded his arms across his chest. “How likely am I to walk away with a black eye if I say yes?”

Kurt pursed his lips. “That depends. Did you learn anything?”

“Yeah,” Sebastian said, “that I’m a shit boyfriend.”

Kurt inclined his head, examing Sebastian. Sebastian had done his best to clean up before coming. He’d showered, but didn’t have the energy to really do his hair, so instead it fell limp across his forehead. He knew there were deep bruises under his eyes, bloodshot from the hours he spent pouring over Blaine’s journals. Quite frankly, he looked like a mess someone had tried to tidy but didn’t really have the energy for. 

“It took reading these for you to realize that?”

Sebastian glared at him. “You know the answer to that, Kurt.”

Kurt’s face softened slightly. Sebastian didn’t show this side of himself to anyone but Blaine, and even then it was extremely rare. The part of him that was unsure of himself, scared, and always waiting for the other shoe to drop. “Is this the last I’ll see of you?” he asked.

Sebastian shrugged. “I don’t know.”

Kurt raised an eyebrow at him.

“I need some time. To… figure myself out. To see if I am even capable of being what Blaine needs me to be.”

“When you figure it out, can you let me know?” Kurt asked. “It’d be nice to have a warning before my wit needs to be back on its A-game.”

Sebastian rolled his eyes, but he smiled softly. “You know,” Sebastian said, “as much as I’ll miss Blaine. I’ll miss our little sparring matches too, Hummel.”

The corner of Kurt’s mouth quirked up. “Me too,” he said, “but you can’t tell anyone.”

“Not a word,” Sebastian said, and left.