Chapter Text
October 1st
'You know it’s not like that, Baby.' Barty's voice hummed melodically though the bond's link
A snort left James’ mouth as he brought his glass to his lips again and took a long drink of his fire whiskey. 'Bullshit, Crouch.'
'Don’t be like that, Jamie. You know who I’d rather be with.' Barty disconnected his lips from the girl in his lap. The man stared him down from across the room, eyes pleading as his lips met the skin just below her ear.
'Could've fooled me.' James rolled his eyes; his reality was a bit fuzzy from the liquid intoxication hitting his blood stream. 'And I'm not being 'like' anything.'
Barty would've rolled his eyes but that might look suspicious. 'Come on, Sunshine, you used to love this game.'
'It’s been years since this was fun for me. This isn’t a game anymore, Barty. How long are you going to keep this up?' Averting his eyes, James sighed. He scanned the room, searching for his friends.
He quickly found Sirius, in the middle of being given a lap dance by his soulmate, and twin, Regulus. Not far away was Remus, his tongue halfway down Evan Rosier’s throat.
It never made too much sense. Regulus and Evan kept their soulmate matters mostly private, but they still knew amongst each other, anyone who came out to these nights at the shrieking shack knew, the best well-kept secret on Hogwarts grounds.
'As long as it takes.'
That was Barty’s go to answer.
His only answer.
'I don’t want to be your secret anymore, Barty, please?' James confessed, not for the first time. He’d foolishly thought that maybe, just maybe, this time would be different.
'It’s not much longer, baby. Think about our good times. They’re the best, yeah?' Barty’s words have swayed James, if he hadn’t currently been sucking a hickey into the girl’s neck.
When Barty’s eyes flinted over James’ face again, he must’ve seen his words weren’t working the way he wanted, because he started to fill James’ head with images of their secret meet up the night before.
He watched through Barty’s eyes, memories of himself, pumping in and out of Barty's body. Sweat slicked skin. Two bodies, connected. Barty’s cries and pleas for ”Yes. More. Harder!” filling his ears.
'Stop this.' James spat through the bond. 'It’s not helping, and really just pissing me off.'
'Sunshine, you’re just over thinking.'
James would be inclined to believe him, but the drink made him want to fight back, to spill it all.
A split second decision.
A mess of words.
A moment of weakness.
James set his cup down on the transfigured bar and made his way over, his breath came in jagged pants as he walked closer.
“Pick.” James spoke aloud, when he was less than ten feet from Barty.
'Don’t do this to me, Jamie.' Barty snarled through the bond.
“Who the fuck do you think you’re talking to, Potter?” The girl on Barty’s lap sneered as she gave James a bitchy look.
“Pick.” James ignored the girl all together.
'You don’t realize what you’re asking of me, Potter.'
“Oh, now it’s back to Potter?” James chuckled.
“You’re losing your mind, Golden Boy.” The girl rolled her eyes. “Talking to yourself is a new low.”
“Oh, I’m having a full conversation, you just can’t hear the other half. Wonder why that is, Allyssa.”
It takes a moment for the girl to catch on, but once she does, she pulls herself from Barty’s grasp. “What the fuck?”
“He’s lying.” Barty spoke through gritted teeth.
“Sure, I’m the one that’s lying. Mhm.” James laughed loudly, self-deprecatingly.
It’s hollow, the sound that comes out of the boy’s throat.
The room had gone silent, a pindrop could be heard as the mid-size group of seventh years all watched with bated breath to see what would happen.
'You just want to ruin me, don’t you?' Barty’s voice was raging in his head. 'You said you understood.'
“WE WERE TWELVE!” James found himself screaming manically, his blood hot, hot, hot, bubbling under his skin. “We were twelve and I never said a word, to anyone. Not even my best fucking friend.”
“Mate-” Sirius spoke. James turned his head to see his friend moving closer, carefully. Like James was some sort of wounded animal that might be scared off by being approached.
“No.” James growled, his voice quiet, angry, as he turned back to Barty. “No, I’ve been silenced by him for too long.”
Barty raised a challenging brow.
“It’s time for you to make a choice, Bartemius.” James straightened his posture and puffed out his chest. “I will sever the link, right now.”
'You don’t have the guts, Potter. You’re a hopeless romantic.'
James nodded. “Is that your final answer?”
Barty didn’t speak, didn’t send anything through the link. The look in his eye reminded James of Crouch Sr., the man Barty was always afraid he’d turn into.
James nodded. “Loud and clear, Crouch.”
Barty went to push an insult through the bond when...
*SNAP*
Their shared soul was broken in two.
The pain was overwhelming.
Excruciating.
Barty moved to stand but his knees gave out, James fell to his knees as a red light emitted from their chests, only for it to fade.
Fade to nothingness.
The group stared as the two men on their knees, hunched over, panting, until long after the blood curdling screaming had stopped.
Sirius and Remus moved forward to help James stand. With them each hooking an arm under one of his, they got him to his feet, just for his head to loll back and his knees to give out again.
“I don’t think you understand what you’ve done, Mister Potter.” Ms. Pomfrey argued softly as James scrubbed his face with his hands.
“Son, please.” Effie pleaded with her only child. “Listen to Poppy.”
” James shook his head. “Ma, I know what I’m doing.”
“Son, you’ll never feel love again.” Fleamont spoke, his voice quiet and his eyes filled with tears. “Anyone. Not your friends, not us- please, think about this. This is more than just Barty. This is your life.”
“Anything is better than living in that hell, Da.” James looked his father- his idol- in the eyes as he remarked. “You both had the picture-perfect story; it was never like that for me. He doesn’t want me, no matter what he says.”
“Jamie,” Effie sighed. “You need to think about the long-term implications of your actions.”
“Ma.” James tried not to sound as exhausted as he felt.
“You have until the full moon on October thirty-first, to start to repair the bond. It won’t fully mend but if you both plant the seed, and nurse it, it will bloom between you both again and your souls will mend.” Madam Pomfrey provided. “It’s not just your love that will be affected. Most happy feelings will disappear too. Empathy, satisfaction, joy- it will all be dulled, while your anger and sadness will be intensified.”
James shook his head. He didn’t want to be disrespectful; Poppy was one of his parents’ oldest friends, he’d known her since he was knee high to a grasshopper; but honestly, he wasn’t even listening.
James left the curtained off section he’d been placed in, his legs still shaking as he made his way out of the arched doorway.
He was met by a crowd of people, the Gryffindor half, there for him, and the Slytherin half, there for his ex-other half. James kept his head high and shrugged off the hands of his friends as he made his way out of the infirmary wing.
James felt the effects almost immediately.
When he looked at Sirius, he no longer felt that warm feeling spread throughout his body. He no longer felt warm at all.
When he looked at Remus, he no longer felt that brotherly bond, either. The love that once made him stay silent with a leaf in his mouth for a month, was simply no longer there.
Everything was cold.
His body.
His mind.
His emotions.
Him.
Every-fucking-thing was cold.
But his mind was made up.
October 6th
It took five days for Barty to try to talk to him.
“James.” Barty collapsed into the chair across from James in the library. He looked like hell, his skin was sickly and pale, his eyes were sunken in and they'd lost their shine, his prized hair hung limp around his face.
“No.” James said simply as he started packing up his materials. He was feeling the fatigue too, but he refused to show it.
“Jamie- please-” Barty’s voice cracked.
James spared him a look. A sideways glance that at one time, would have sent butterflies fluttering around his gut, now felt like he was looking at a stranger. “I can’t deal with you, Bartemius. Just leave me alone.”
“Jamie, I-”
“Don’t call me that!” James snapped, his voice carrying throughout the library, sending heads spinning their way.
James was heated. He threw his bag down on the chair before slamming his hands down on the table, the loud *THWACK!* echoing throughout the room. “I am not your Jamie. You had your chance,” James sneered. “And you threw me away for five fucking years.”
Barty opened his mouth to speak but he immediately shut it again, as the look of fear crossing his features as he stared up at James’ face.
“You and I are nothing.” James spat angrily. “Now, leave me be.”
With that, James left the library, whispers echoing in his wake.
October 8th
Remus and Sirius knew better than to try to talk to James about Barty. Their partners were another matter altogether.
Regulus cornered James in the prefect bathroom two days after the library confrontation.
“Potter.” Regulus walked up behind him as he was washing his hands.
“Black.” James sighed, knowing what would come next as he shook the excess water off and reached for a paper towel.
“Just give him five minutes.” Regulus spoke quietly. “Just five minutes.”
“I’ve given him five years, Regulus. Five minutes won’t change my mind.” James tossed his paper towel in the bin and headed out.
October 10th
Two days after the bathroom confrontation, Evan was sneakier in his approach, pulling James into an alcove as he passed by on his way to Potions.
“Rosier.” James rolled his eyes as Evan pressed him up against the stone wall.
“Potter.” Evan raised a brow, his voice almost accusatory.
“Can we get this over with? I’m late for class.” James came across as bored, because he honestly was.
“How long do you plan to keep this up?” Evan growled.
“Until its fully severed.” James said casually.
“Don’t you think you’ve tortured him enough?”
James laughed loudly; the sound was so hollow, just as it had been that night. “Yes, that’s my goal here.” He shook his head.
Evan pushed the tip of his wand against James’ throat. “Give me one good reason, Potter. One good reason why I shouldn’t kill you where you stand.”
James shrugged his shoulders. “No idea, if I’m being honest.”
Evan looked at him, for maybe the first time, in the eyes. Nothing but sadness and sorrow sat locked inside those honey-colored eyes. “Do you have a death wish?” Evan snapped.
James just shrugged his shoulders again. “Dunno. Probably”
Evan pulled away from James, his face unreadable. “You’re not you.”
“You don’t even know me, Rosier.” James scoffed. “Not that it matters.”
“You’re James Potter, everyone knows you, and it does matter.” Evan sounded almost offended by James’ words.
“I don’t even know myself anymore.” James whispered.
“You can fix this.” Evan whispered back. “Only you can fix this.”
James shook his head. “I don’t want to go back to that.”
“Everyone already knows.” Evan argued. “It won’t go back to the way it was. It can’t.”
“Everyone only knows because I told them.” James countered before pushing himself off of the wall with his foot. “Now, I don’t have time for this.”
Evan watched him go; uncertainty painted across his features.
October 15th
Five days later, life felt meaningless. James was on his broom; it was the big Gryffindor versus Slytherin game, the first of the year and this would set the tone for the whole season. The pressure was mounted and heavy on James’ shoulders.
Regulus was seconds from grasping the snitch when James heard a commotion from the crowd. He turned and glanced down at the ground just to see Barty make contact with the hard ground.
Where James once would have fallen, just to be near his love, to provide comfort even from afar, he now watched that very person lay limply on the ground, and he almost felt bad for feeling nothing for the boy.
James looked up to see his teammates watching him with wide eyes as the commotion on the field unfolded.
“What?” James snapped.
The Prewett twins shared a worried look while most of the team just looked away or started flying down to dismount since the game was called off.
James flew down gently, but instead of going toward the far side of the field of the field where Barty was laying in the grass, he made his way toward the changing rooms.
“Mate.” Sirius sighed as he came down beside James.
“What?” James snapped.
Sirius shook his head. “Do you care about him at all?”
James shrugged his shoulders. “He’s got plenty of girls he can trick into caring.”
“James, this isn’t you.” Sirius sounded exasperated as he followed James into the changing room, tossing his broom to the side.
“Sirius, honestly, I don’t really care.” James stated as he started stripping off his gear. “Go cry about it to Regulus.”
“Who are you?” Sirius looked at James disapprovingly before walking away from him and back out of the locker room.
“I don’t know.” James answered the empty room.
October 23rd
“I heard he can’t fly anymore.”
“Well, I heard it’s from Potter breaking his soul.”
“I was told by a Slytherin that James actually hexed him!”
“Avery says it’s a dramatic ploy.”
“My mom says broken souls don’t last a year before they kill themselves!”
“Shut up!” James sneered loudly as he sat in the crowded great room.
The noise was nauseating.
James wasn’t sleeping.
Barely eating.
He was wearing thin...
Too thin.
His energy was drained all of the time, staying awake in class was a feat all in itself.
He was told he was now a liability on the team, he’s pretty sure Barty was told the same.
But James?
James had to give up his captaincy!
It was like he was being punished for making his own choices.
The worst part of all of this was that James missed Barty.
He missed the asshole with everything in him.
It was like every fiber of his being was calling out for the pretty boy.
James sighed as he made his way out of the great hall, away from prying eyes.
He knew Barty spent his free period in the library with Evan, so he made his way there.
“Maybe I could just talk to him.” James whispered to himself.
James went straight to the library, immediately going back toward the restricted section where he knew he’d find the pair.
“It’s not your fault, he’s just jealous.” James heard a feminine voice whine as he rounded the corner.
“I can’t believe your own soulmate did this to you.” Another voice spoke as James paused.
There Barty was, three girls sitting around him, touching him, and he was basking in it. Barty was leaned back in his chair, his eyes closed as these girls touched him all over. He could see one girl's hand under the table, palming Barty’s crotch.
James felt rage, white hot and angry, flare through him.
Evan, who sat opposite him, quickly kicked Barty’s leg under the table.
“What?” Barty snapped before following Evan’s eyes to James. “Jamie?”
James shook his head, as he blinked back angry tears. “No.”
“Jamie, please-” Barty moved to stand too quickly and almost fell against the table in front of him. Instantly, those girls were touching him again.
Barty, to his credit, shrugged their hands off. He looked like hell, but it wasn’t James’ fault.
No.
Barty did this to himself.
James turned on his heel and started to leave.
“Jamie, please, wait.” Barty begged from behind him.
Barty followed him to the middle of the library again. All eyes were on them, yet again, but James supposed it was better kept here than Barty following him and screaming throughout the halls of the castle.
“What?” James snapped. “Don’t you have girls to be tending to?”
“Jamie, just- let's talk this out.” Barty asked as his bottom lip trembled.
“You were just getting a handy from that slag at the table, but you want to talk to me?” James laughed humorlessly.
“J-James.” Barty stammered. “Please, just hear me out.”
“I’ll hear you out the same way you heard me out for five years.” James shook his head before turning on his heels and walking away again, leaving Barty in the middle of the library with all eyes on him.
October 30th
“Remus.” James nodded politely in greeting as he saw the boy seated on the windowsill, a book propped up against the long legs he’d pulled up onto the sill with him. It was almost curfew and Sirius was nowhere to be found. He hadn’t been in the room in days and James suspected he was staying with the Slytherin boys.
“James.” The boy nodded back as he closed his book.
“How are you feeling, with the moon being tomorrow and all?” James asked as he so deeply wished he could feel the care he once felt for the boy. He sat down on his bed facing his friend and waited for an answer.
“Tired.” Remus spoke after a moment. “Too hot.”
“I miss the heat.” James replied off handedly.
“I know you do, mate.” Remus nodded.
“Let me guess, you read about this?” James raised a brow.
Remus nodded. “I looked into it.”
“And?”
“And I think you’re close enough to an adult, you don’t need to hear what I think.” Remus responded.
“Am I making a mistake?” James wondered aloud.
“I can’t tell you that, Jamie. You’re the only one that knows that answer.” Remus shrugged.
“Remus, come on, you- you know everything.” James felt as lost as he sounded, a deep wave of just sadness washed over him.
“James, I know what you went through. I watched it for years and I- really, I guessed what had been happening. I saw that sadness when you looked at Reggie and Padfoot, or Evvy and I-” Remus paused to take a steadying breath. “I know Barty hurt you.”
James nodded along with Remus’ words. “I-”
“Just, let me say this, Prongs.” Remus asked quietly. “I have not brought him up to you because I don’t think he was right. I don’t want you to feel bad about your decisions that he himself influenced. I’ve heard from Evan that the window closes tomorrow at moonrise, and I just want you to think about if this is how you want to be for the rest of your life.”
“What are the statistics?” James asked, his voice low, barely a whisper.
Remus shook his head. “That has no relevance, if you choose this life, Pads and I will back you. I know he’s being- well- Padfoot right now, but he still backs you, even if he’s being an idiot. He will come around.”
“I’m not sure if I want to live like this.” James breathed. “I miss everything- the way we were before.”
Remus nodded in understanding. “Then I think only you can make the decision that comes next.”
James didn’t respond, and Remus didn’t push him to.
The pair got ready for bed, stripping their robes from their body and shelving all of the left-over feelings to be dealt with tomorrow.
“Jamie?” Remus called out as he settled into bed. “I know it’s not the same, but I’m running really hot, with the moon and all. Do you want some of my warmth tonight?”
James didn’t have to stop or think twice. He crawled into Remus’ bed and cuddled against him like they did in their early years, long before the drama of soulmates.
The heat from the were warmed James for the first time in almost a month. He soaked in the heat and tried not to cry as he realized just how much he’d missed the touch of someone else.
For the first time, in far too long, James was warmed to the bone as he fell into a deep, restful sleep.
October 31st
James skipped class, spending his whole day locked in the dorm.
After his talk with Remus, the night prior, he was having second thoughts about what to do.
He wanted his love back, and he missed Barty, but would Barty do this all over again? Make him hide again, even though everyone now knew of their bond? Their fate?
He needed to talk to the man.
4:45
James finally emerged from his dorm and started to search through the crowd of classmates for Barty’s face.
He spent minutes trying to find the boy, only to come up empty.
But he soon found Evan and Regulus.
"Where's Barty?" James asked as he approached.
Evan scowled while Regulus wouldn't meet his eye.
"Where is he?" James nearly growled. He didn't have time for these petty games.
“He collapsed last night, not that you care.” Evan’s voice sneered, but his expression was more akin to hurt.
“What?” What do you mean- is he-? Infirmary?”
Regulus shook his head. “Saint Mungo’s. It’s serious. We thought, well- we thought he was going to die.”
“I- I need to get there.” James felt panic wash over him.
“He can’t take more heartbreak right now.” Evan interrupted.
“Shut up.” James’ panic quickly turned to anger. “I-”
“Let’s go to Dumbledore.” Sirius spoke up from behind the pair. James wasn't sure when he arrived but he's glad the boy did. “Surely, he’ll let you go.”
“You’re an idiot.” Regulus rolled his eyes. “But we can try.”
“I cannot allow you to leave school grounds.” Dumbledore informed James and the group behind him.
“Headmaster- please-” James begged quietly. “I’m seventeen, and even if I wasn’t- my parents would approve the off-ground absence.
“No matter. I refuse to approve it.” Dumbledore hissed.
Remus spoke up from behind James. “Sir, I think the situation would-”
“I don’t particularly care what you think, Mr. Lupin.” Dumbledore snapped at the teen. “I said I will not allow it.”
“But the situation!” Sirius called out in anger.
“I know all about the situation.” Dumbledore said with an air of finality.
James went to speak again, but Remus pulled him by the arm and started walking, pulling James from the room entirely.
“Let’s go, mate, we’ll find another way.”
The boys retreated to the hall.
“Let’s go back to my dorm.” Regulus spoke quietly.
Evan nodded in agreement.
James didn’t speak, neither did his own friends but they all followed the same.
The common room was thankfully empty as they made their way through. They got to the room without issue but there, confined within those four walls with nothing to really do but wait and see if Barty showed up- well, it was getting to James.
Soon, Remus had to go, he had to leave for the shrieking shack and James- well, James couldn’t stand being in that room anymore.
He had to get out-