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It was a normal, bright and sunny day in Free Country USA. The grass of the fields was its normal neon green colour, and so the sky was also its normal light blue.
On this fateful day one homestar runner, aptly named Homestar Runner, was running around as he usually did. Though he was essentially running past the same 7 locations over and over as his route was basically a circle, Homestar seemed to enjoy it. It was a pointless task, one of repetition and without meaning. Whether he did it for fun or just because he could, no one could tell.
At about the 10th lap Homestar decided to stop at Bubs concession stand to see what was in stock, even though he had, as previously mentioned, ran past it about ten or so times that day.
“Bubs!” Homestar said, excited as ever.
“Homestar!” Bubs replied, matching the former's tone.
“Whatcha got in stock?!” Homestar asked, leaning over slightly.
“Well I got this mysterious chemical.” Bubs held up a test tube with a sloshy blue-ish, green-ish, purple-ish liquid in it.
“I’ll take it!” Homestar grabbed the vial and ran off.
Distant yells from Bubs demanding payment could be heard as Homestar continued running in a random direction. Said direction led to the local river, the only source of water for the entire town, which definitely had always been there and was totally not formed by the author’s brain accidentally mixing Homestar Runner and Peasants Quest into one universe.
Once Homestar reached said river, he sat down next to it and peered into the water, seeing his own reflection. A few seconds of marvelling in his own beauty later he remembered that he had a beverage on him. He lifted up the test tube, examining its contents, watching it swish around. As advertised, it was truly a mysterious chemical. To Homestar’s mind, however, the concerning liquid looked less like a form of poison and more like a tasty mid-summer refreshment.
And so our dear Homestar Runner poured the contents of the tube directly into his mouth. Once he noticed how foul it was he immediately spat it out and into the river.
“Uhgh! Gross!” Homestar yelled as he got up and walked off.
But little did Homestar know, his choice to spit it into the river instead of at the grass would have lasting consequences, consequences beyond his comprehension, which was frankly quite easy to go beyond, but that’s not the point. The point is that this would have a grave effect on the residents of Free Country USA.
A few hours later, at the house of strong, The Cheat and Strong Bad stood at the kitchen sink. The tap was on as Strong Bad held a bowl under it, collecting the water.
“Oh man, The Cheat, this is gonna be so great!” Strong Bad smirked as the bowl slowly filled up with water.
“ Meh meh meh !” The Cheat snickered, imagining the results of their caper.
“Strong Sad's going to be so mad when we splash him.” Strong Bad almost laughed as he turned off the tap.
He carefully removed the bowl, holding it with both hands, or I guess boxing gloves. They slowly walked to the stairs, then up them, making sure the water didn't spill.
The Cheat knocked on Strong Sad's door.
“Yes?” Strong Sad asked, not daring to get up and open the door.
“Open the door, dumpo.” Strong Bad demanded, continuing to knock.
“Uhh… no.” Strong Sad replied, mildly annoyed.
“Come on man.” Strong Bad pleaded.
“Only if you promise won't beat me up again” Strong Sad said, knowing his request would be ignored.
“Sure… Now open the door!” Strong Bad shouted.
“Fine.” Strong Sad sighed, giving in. A loud thud was heard as he got up and walked to the door, opening it. “What do you wa-” He promptly got splashed in the face with the bowl of water. Some of the water got into his mouth.
Strong Bad and The Cheat immediately began laughing like there was no tomorrow. Because allegedly getting someone wet was the funniest thing since sliced bread.
“Why would you do that? What was the po-” Strong Sad shouted before something in his brain short circuited
“Homestar…? Why do I…?” He asked.
“What?” Strong Bad asked, no longer laughing and genuinely confused.
“Where's Homestar? I need to see Homestar.” Strong Sad repeated frantically.
“I dunno man, probably at his house.” Strong Bad replied, looking down at The Cheat to see if he was hearing the same words come out of his brother's mouth.
With that Strong Sad ran past them and down the stairs, leaving them confused at what they had just seen and heard.
“ Meh ?” The Cheat asked, pointing at the almost empty bowl.
“Sure.” Strong Bad said, handing the bowl to The Cheat who immediately started drinking the remaining liquid.
A few seconds and a small twitch later The Cheat looked up at Strong Bad before saying “ Meh meh meh meh meh ?”
“Homestar? What? No, I don't know where Homestar is.” Strong Bad replied, mildly annoyed.
“Phew.” Coach Z sighed. It had been a long day on the field, the sports field that is. Though it was only the early afternoon, he was already content with calling it a day. Pom Pom had managed to make a lot of progress and frankly Coach Z was not the young coach he once was.
At the end of the day he still had freshly gathered river water, courtesy of Bubs. He sat on the bench next to Pom Pom, grabbing one of the bottles.
“I'd say Pam Pam, you really did a great jorb today.” Coach Z said.
“ Bubble bubble bubble ” Pom Pom replied, unamused by Coach Z’s inability to pronounce ‘job’ after so many years. He took a sip of his water, feeling it tingle in his mouth though he thought nothing of it and swallowed it.
Coach Z mimicked the action and did the same.
A few seconds later, Pom Pom’s mind was filled with memories of his best friend, Homestar. Every moment Homestar had smiled or been adorably dumb. At the time these outbursts of dumbness were annoying, but in retrospect were so damn cute. He had to go see him right now.
Meanwhile similar thoughts also appeared in Coach Z’s brain, though there were more butt related moments than anything else.
“ Bubble bubble ” Pom Pom asked.
“No I uh- Homestar? I wish!” Coach Z replied, as he in fact did not know if Homestar was around and was actually about to ask that question himself. “Wait a minute… You and Hamstray are just friends right?” He asked, squinting his eyes in contempt as he did so.
“ Bubble bubble bubble bubble bubble ” Pom Pom responded.
“Hey, that's what I was going to say!” Coach Z said, seeming angrier than usual, almost offended.
A harsh silence fell upon the sports field, as Coach Z processed what Pom Pom had just confessed. For a moment, it was so quiet that you could hear the grass blowing in the mild wind.
“You can’t like Stramstar, I like him!” Coach Z yelled out, his frustration was clearly visible.
“ Bubble bubble bubble bubble! ” Pom Pom retorted, without missing a beat.
Homestar sat on the couch in his house. He subconsciously hated spending time in his own home. It was lonely as he was the only one who lived there. Though Homestar didn’t exactly live there. He spent most of his days outside on the field, and his nights, sleeping over at someone else’s house.
He had broken up with Marzipan a month or so ago… or maybe she broke up with him? It was always hard to tell. It seemed as if Marzipan had finally let go, realised how bad they were for each other.
On the TV was some generic murder-mystery show. While Homestar was watching it, he wasn’t exactly watching it. Instead he was more focused on the word search he was trying to do. Trying is a strong word, it was more like aimlessly staring at.
“Hmmm…” Homestar hummed as he tapped the pencil against the side of his head, as if to conjure up some kind of thought. Squinting down at the paper, he brought the pencil down, as if to finally circle something.
Just then Homestar’s head shot up as an unexpected knock was heard from his door. He set down his pencil and word search, got up and went to see who it was.
“Hello?” Homestar peaked his head out as he opened the door.
To his surprise the King of Town’s loyal Poopsmith stood on his porch. Once he saw him he fully opened the door.
The Poopsmith held out a piece of paper and Homestar promptly took it. It was covered in cutesy stickers and glitter.
The letter read:
“Dear Homestar Runner, please come to the castle IMMEDIATELY! - KoT”
Homestar had to read it over a few times to actually understand it.
“OOoooohhh. Tell him I’ll be there tomorrow.” Homestar said, turning around and shutting the door behind him. It’s not like the Poopsmith would retaliate or say anything to him anyways.
Just as Homestar sat back down on the couch, the phone on the other side of the room started ringing. He quickly jumped up and walked over to it. He didn’t receive many calls but oh boy did he cherish the ones he did get.
Homestar picked up the phone, holding it up to his head.
Before he could get one word out Strong Bad started “Hey Homestar.”
“Oh! Hi Strong bad!” Homestar said in his usual happy idiot voice. He was glad that for once his best friend, who was nothing but a very good friend of his and nothing more, had called him. Normally it was the other way around and their conversations were very short as Strong Bad tended to try to end any interaction between the two as fast as possible.
“Why is everybody who’s anybody looking for you right now?!” Strong Bad questioned, mildly annoyed at Homestars sudden overwhelming popularity amongst the citizens of Free Country USA.
“Huh?” Homestar replied, though whether that counted as a reply can be debated.
“The entire town is trying to find you and no one’s telling me why… So what did you do?” Strong Bad continued prodding the runner, as the issue had genuinely peaked his curiosity.
“Oh uh I dunno.” Homestar said, his tone not changing at all.
“There is no way you don’t know.”
“The King of Town sent me a letter, telling me to see him but I dunno if I’m gonna go today. It seems kinda weird that he’d put so many heart stickers on it.” Homestar said, looking over the piece of paper once again.
“He what.”
“Yeah and they’re all like glittery and stuff.”
“Homestar, are you sure-”
“Hang on, I’m getting another call.” Homestar pulled the phone away from his face, pressed a button and then put it back. “Hello?”
“Hamstray! You gotta come to the locker room! It’s urchin!” Coach Z frantically blurted out, his accent making him miss-say a few words, though the point was still conveyed.
“WHuh?”
“Pam Pam’s gonna kill me! I’ll explain later.” With that Coach Z hung up, leaving both Homestar and Strong Bad alone on the line together again.
Mildly stunned silence filled the airwaves as neither knew what to say.
“Strong bro? You there?” Homestar asked, almost whispering.
“Yes Homestar, still here.” Strong Bad replied.
“Are you talking to Homestar?” Strong Sad peaked his head into Strong Bad’s room curiously, a shy grin on his face.
“Yeah?” Strong Bad tilted his head, looking over at his brother.
“Tell him… I umm… said hi…” Strong Sad said, unusually nervous about the prospect of being in contact with the runner, fidgeting with his hands as he did so. Normally Strong Sad was indifferent about Homestar, tolerating him the same way everyone else did.
“Dough boy over here says hi.” Strong Bad repeated into the phone.
After a few seconds of waiting, Strong Sad moved behind his brother. “So what did he say?” He asked, hands slightly covering his mouth as he leaned over Strong Bad.
“He says hi.” Strong Bad answered, increasingly annoyed and bewildered at the way his brother was acting.
“Ohmygodohmygod!” Strong Sad giggled like a schoolgirl, completely covering his face as he ran off.
“Freakin’ weirdo.” Strong Bad muttered under his breath.
Going back to the phone conversation at hand. “Are you sure you didn’t, I dunno, cause a zombie apocalypse or something.” Strong Bad asked, rolling his eyes.
“Oh wait! I did drink some nasty drink Bubs gave me, but I did spit it out into the river.” Homestar replied nonchalantly.
“Was it some like weird love potion or something?” Strong Bad jokingly questioned.
“Hmmm… maybe.” Homestar considered the possibility for a moment, trying to remember any other details about it.
Homestar went quiet for a moment, a true rarity. Loud banging was heard through the line.
“Oooooo… someone's at the door! I’ll be right back.” Homestar said before presumably getting up and walking over to his front door.
A few seconds later a loud scream, loud enough to be caught by the phone, rang out through Homestars house. After that the line went silent.
“Homestar?” Strong Bad asked, mildly worried. “Homestar? You there?”
“What the-” Strong Bad pulled the phone away from his head and looked at it before sighing and putting it back in his pocket. It wasn’t his problem after all. He’d be fine… probably.
Homestar wasn't one to abruptly end phone calls. The weirdness probably got to him too. Everyone would probably stop acting like this soon. Maybe it was something in the water or air or whatever they say. There was nothing he could do but wait it out and hope that everyone he knew and mildly liked would go back to normal eventually.
Turning on the TV Strong Bad sat down on his soft carpeted floor and waited for the fun machine to turn on. Soon the screen was filled with the 8-bit visuals of Videlectrix’s newest release.
Unfortunately right at that moment the Homestar Runner jumped through Strong Bad’s window, shattering it into a million pieces.
“What the crap! My fucking window!” Strong Bad exclaimed.
“Strong Bad! You gots to help me! Strong Mad’s after me! He's trying to umm.. kill?... me!” Homestar yelled, though the uncertainty in his voice turned it into more of an inside volume at the end.
“Woah woah. What?” Strong Bad said, cautiously standing up, as to not step on any of the glass.
“Please, you gotta help me hide.” Homestar begged.
“Fine.”
And so Strong Bad led Homestar out of his room, through the corridor, down the stairs, through the laundry room and into the main basement room.
“Here. Get behind the couch.” Strong Bad said, flipping off the lights, which were mysteriously always turned on, in an attempt to hide their presence.
Homestar crouched down behind the couch, before completely sitting down. He was soon followed by Strong Bad, who sat down next to him.
“Do you remember what that thing you drank was?” Strong Bad asked almost immediately, his mind still on the mystery they had discussed over the phone earlier.
“Uhhh… it was like this chemical.” Homestar said, wracking his brain for information, but ultimately giving a useless answer.
“So you spit some random liquid, mixed with your spit, into the river?” Strong Bad questioned.
“Yeah.” Homestar replied.
“The river that the entire town gets its water from?” Strong Bad repeated back to him, his eyes half closed in annoyance.
“Yeah…” Homestar said, hanging his head down ever so slightly in shame.
“That’s it-” Strong Bad sighed, pulling out his phone. “-I’m asking Bubs.” He pressed a few seemingly random buttons.
After what was an unreasonably long time the call finally connected. Now they could finally find out, once and for all, what the hell Homestar drank.
Unfortunately, he hit the concession stand’s phone tree instead. “Stupid freakin’ phone tree.” Strong Bad said under his breath, hanging up and placing the phone down.
“So what do we do now?” Homestar asked, looking over at the other.
“Wait it out I guess.” Strong Bad said nonchalantly, shrugging as he did so.
The room went silent for a moment before Strong Bad piped up again “Are you sure it wasn't a love potion?”
Before Homestar could answer, Strong Bad’s phone suddenly started ringing. Without even looking at the number he picked up.
“Hello?” Strong Bad said, placing it up to the side of his head.
“ Bubble bubble bubble. ” Pom Pom bubbled from the other side of the line.
“Who's asking?” Strong Bad raised a theoretical eyebrow.
“ Bubble bubble bubble bubble bubble. Bubble bubble bubble. ” Pom Pom said, leaning way too close to his phone, making his whispering sound so much louder.
“What?! I am not telling Homestar that.” Strong Bad recoiled, genuinely shocked that Pom Pom would say something like that.
“ Bubble bubble. ” Pom Pom replied, quite annoyed. Strong Bad assumed that he'd probably have rolled his eyes if this was a face to face conversation.
“No way man. That's just nasty.” Strong Bad said, hanging up.
He sighed, looking over at Homestar he wondered if it was worth it to tell him what he had just heard.
“So who was it?” Homestar asked
“Pom Pom… He knows you're here with me.” Strong Bad said, hesitant to tell him the truth.
“Oh great! We can have a sleepover!” Homestar smiled, blissfully unaware.
“No Homestar, he umm… you definitely drank a kind of love potion.” Strong Bad said, visibly uncomfortable as he looked Homestar up and down and thought about Pom Pom’s words.
“Does that mean everyone's in love with me?!” Homestar yelped, scared like he had never been before.
“Urgh… I hope not.” Strong Bad shivered, thinking about it maybe a little too hard.
“Do you umm… like me?” Homestar asked out of nowhere, tilting his head.
A light layer of blush covered Strong Bad’s face as he stared back at the runner, thinking about his answer maybe a little too long.
“What? No!” Strong Bad replied all of a sudden, quite flustered.
Awkward silence filled the air between them in the dark, cold room. Though they could barely see each other as it was, they didn't dare make eye contact or even look in the other’s direction again.
“Then why are you acting so normal? Shouldn’t you also be crazy for me or something?” Homestar raised a nonexistent eyebrow.
“I’ll uhh… I’ll just leave you here… good luck…” Strong Bad said, trying not to actually think about the question. He got up from the floor, in an attempt to run away from the situation.
As he stood up the basement light switch was turned on by a third party.
“Ahah! I found you!” Strong Sad said, pointing down at Homestar who was still sitting on the floor, completely ignoring his brother.
In the doorway connecting the two basement rooms stood almost the entire population of Free Country, only Marzipan, the Poopsmith and Bubs were missing. Everyone suddenly started yelling and talking over each other, trying to get Homestar’s attention.
“ bubble bubble bubble bubble. ” Said Pom Pom, looking directly at Homestar.
“You wanna do what to me?!” Homestar jumped up, now standing instead of sitting.
“Oh Hamstray! Let me have your kids!” Coach Z yelled from somewhere in the back.
“Homestar Runner, I need you to be my royal consort!” The King of Town joined in.
“ Meh meh! ” The Cheat yelped.
“You have nowhere to run Homestar! You're ours!” Strong Sad said, dramatically pointing at the ceiling.
“I- uhh…” Homestar nervously scanned the room then looked down at Strong Bad for help. He didn't know what to do. Sure it was flattering to think that this many people found him so attractive that they decided to hunt him down, but that didn't mean this wasn't incredibly creepy.
Strong Bad looked up at Homestar, staring into his worried eyes. Without saying a word he placed his gloves on either side of the other's face and pulled him in, pressing their mouths against each other in full view of (almost) everyone they knew. Homestar blushed, closing his eyes and leaning into the kiss.
A collective gasp was heard as the room went from full with overlapping yelling and talking to completely silent.
When they pulled away and looked at the crowd they noticed a dramatic shift in tone.
Strong Sad had clasped his hands over his mouth, tears welding up in his eyes. The Cheat stood frowning with his teeth. The King of Town looked down at the ground solemnly. Strong Mad was frozen in shock. Coach Z sighed deeply. Pom Pom stared yearningly at his phone, which had a photo of the moment which had just happened between Homestar and Strong Bad.
“I'm sorry everyone but I’m taken!” Homestar confidently announced.
“You're what now?!” Strong Bad said, staring at the runner.
The room remained completely silent for a moment.
A few seconds later Strong Sad spoke up. “Ugh… I feel weird…” He shook his head. “Umm… Why am I here?” He looked around the crowded basement.
“ Bubble bubble bubble.” Pom Pom bubbled, also confused as to why he was standing in this small room with so many people.
Overlapping chattering began as seemingly everyone had no idea nor memory of what had just happened. Soon the crowd began walking out, leaving Strong Bad and Homestar alone again.
“Well that was weird.” Strong Bad said, trying to ignore the awkwardness he felt.
“Uhhh… why did you…” Homestar started to ask, but he cut himself off, for once being too shy to finish his sentence.
“Do what?” Strong Bad asked, trying to act like he didn’t know exactly what Homestar was thinking.
Homestar didn’t respond, rather looking around nervously, though they were the only people in the room. He would’ve finished the question but something about it made his body tense up. The silence in the air was mind numbingly awkward.
“Nevermind.” Homestar sighed, deciding to walk out of the room without even looking back.