Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sitting at the bar in the Adventurer's guild, Kazuma raised his glass high. “Cheers, to another successful quest!” 

“CHEERS!” 

Three tankards clattered against Kazuma’s and he smiled, taking a sip of beer as his party members all laughed. “Another successful quest!” 

“Those ogres never knew what hit them!” Aqua agreed happily, downing half her ale in a gulp. 

“Yes, and you were most effective against their shaman who was summoning evil spirits,” Darkness agreed. “Without that, we might have been in some peril.”

“Don’t forget my glorious Explosion, which took out their main nest!” Megumin cackled, grinning at the memory. “Then Kazuma gave me enough mana that I even got off a couple of fireballs! I got even MORE skill points, which I have used to further improve my Explosion’s potency!” 

“And you should be thanking Darkness for keeping the survivors off you while I did the transfer from Aqua,” Kazuma pointed out. “But, still, good job all around! People might start thinking we’re a real party now!” 

The girls all laughed and cheered, and they ordered a platter of fried frog legs to eat. It was a satisfying night, with Megumin going off to bully Yunyun about out-leveling her, and Darkness retiring early as usual because she had “early morning training.” Aqua went off to go stand on a table to perform tricks, while Kazuma nursed an ale and enjoyed the warm fuzzy sensation in his gut. 

“Hey, Kazuma! Seems like your party has been doing pretty well for itself.”

A pretty girl in a green jacket, long brown hair pulled back in a messy ponytail, slid onto the bench beside Kazuma. Her most distinguishing feature though was the tanuki tail that was swishing happily behind her as she sipped at her own ale. 

“Oh, hey Rin. Yeah, things are pretty good right now I guess,” Kazuma agreed, giving her a smile. “How’s life in your party? Dust still being a dumbass?”

“As ever,” Rin said with a heavy sigh, shaking her head in exasperation. “He just got out of jail for not paying his gambling debts…again. I swear, we complete enough quests, but that bum is always broke and begging me for money. He’s actually over there right now, I just needed to escape him for a bit.”

Kazuma caught sight of the hooligan in question, who appeared to be trying to bum a drink off of the other members of his and Rin’s party, Keith the Archer and Taylor the Crusader. Keith was an alright guy, who was ignoring Dust and trying (and failing) to chat up one of the guild girls as usual. Taylor was a bit of a wet blanket, and he seemed to be lecturing Dust, probably about not gambling. 

“Sheesh. Is Dust still telling everyone I’m his best friend?” Kazuma said with a grimace. 

Rin laughed and nodded. “After that stunt with the nobleman you two pulled, half the town thinks you're lovers still! It explains why you’re not dating any of your own party members.”

“Yeah, well, that’s just, uh, I like to keep things professional,” Kazuma muttered, peering into his own mug. “I mean, they’re my best friends, but…I dunno. What if I ruined things?”

“I can…understand that,” Rin sighed, twirling a finger through her hair, and giving Dust an exasperated look. 

Seeing that, Kazuma nearly choked on his ale, and he coughed a few times, wiping his sleeve across his mouth as Rin shrank in on herself and blushed. “Seriously?! You’re holding a torch for Dust !? I mean, have you met the guy?! He’s a total sleaze, and as broke as a smashed clock!” 

“He’s not a bad guy, OK!? He’s just…I don’t know…” Rin sighed and buried her face in her ale mug. “I just…he’s a friend, but… maybe I’m delusional. There aren’t exactly that many reputable guys worth dating around here, you know?”

“I dunno, the market for the girls ain’t great either. The guild girls would rather slap you than date you, and all the Adventurers are stronger than I am! Plus, they always look like they’d rather knife me than kiss me,” Kazuma sighed, slumping in his own seat.

“I have heard the boys talk about how hard it is to find a worthwhile dating partner,” Rin agreed sympathetically. “Taylor was seeing Ezmerelda for a bit, but, well…”

“Shit, really? That thief in Michell’s party?” Kazuma asked, his eyebrows raising. “Didn’t they just move to…oh.” 

“Yeah, they’re all level 20 now, so they agreed to move up to a higher level town where the pay’s better. Taylor’s only level 12, so…”

“Really? That low?” Kazuma asked, his brow furrowing. “Huh. I guess you guys do mostly take on the low level quests that don’t offer much experience, but I didn’t think it was that bad.”

“Well, what level are you?” Rin asked defensively. 

“Twenty seven,” Kazuma said with a shrug. “But I’m an Adventurer, and the lowest level one in my party.”

“Twenty- are you serious!? And everyone else is higher level!? Why haven’t you moved on!?” Rin hissed, her tail standing up straight behind her as she leaned towards Kazuma.

He shrugged. “My friends are all here. Not just you, but Wiz, Yunyun, Luna, even Dust and the other guys. Besides, we make enough money, and someone has to take on the harder quests the rest of you won’t touch. Money’s not really an issue anyway.”

“Really? I know you live in that big mansion, but…I thought that was just because Aqua was the only one who could make that mega haunted place livable, and Darkness, well…”

“You know something about Darkness?” Kazuma asked suspiciously. 

“Kazuma.” Rin gave him a flat look. “She’s a giant blonde pervert who isn’t in the Axis Cult, and her gear costs more than what the rest of the entire guild’s does, combined. She’s a noble, and probably a pretty important one too.”

“Well, Dust is blond,” Kazuma pointed out, wincing slightly. Maybe Darkness’ disguise wasn’t as good as she thought it was.

“Yeah, but he’s seriously broke, completely hopeless with that sword, and a total idiot. If he’s one of the nobles playing Adventurer in their youth then I’m a Crimson Demon,” Rin said, rolling her eyes. 

“Hey, you’re not such a bad mage. Practice your gothic poetry and weird poses and you’d fit right in,” Kazuma teased.

“Oh, stop it,” Rin snorted, shoving him hard enough Kazuma nearly fell off the bench. “I’m just a basic Wizard who only knows Intermediate Magic. Megumin and Yunyun both have more talent in their pinkies than I do in my entire body. Life just isn’t fair…”

“Well, to compensate, you’re a lot saner than they are, trust me,” Kazuma assured her. 

“Gee, thanks. I guess the price of power is madness,” Rin sighed. She frowned around the guild. “Right now though, I’d settle for a decent date for myself. And some girls to keep the boys from getting too jealous. It’s too bad your party members aren’t interested in dating someone, we’re evenly matched on the gender balance.”

“Ha ha, yeah, I…wait.” Kazuma frowned at Rin, who looked back at him innocently as she sipped at her ale. “Are you saying…you’d go out with me?!”

“Well, all of the other girls have been giving me weird looks for even sitting with Scumzuma, and I’ve been asked like half a dozen times if you sexually harassed me that one time we did swap parties, and since the only other guy I’m really into is Dust, I have objectively terrible taste in men. So…maybe. If you can talk your own party members into going on a…quadruple date, I guess?”

“Who’d we even set up with who though?” Kazuma said, shaking his head. 

“I guess that kinda is a problem. Who would even go out with Dust?” Rin sighed, putting her hand over her face to hide the growing blush. 

“Well, he’s a drunken idiot with no sense for money,” Kazuma said. He blinked, and turned towards Rin at the same time she popped up. 

“”Aqua!””

They both grinned at each other for a moment, then burst out laughing at the very thought. 

“Can you even imagine!? They’d be horrible together!” Rin giggled, covering her mouth as she tried and failed not to snort. 

“Ok, we have to make that happen. There’s no way it would last beyond one date, but it would be amazing just to watch the fireworks that would go off with those two having to spend time together,” Kazuma chortled. “What about Megumin? She’s a real firecracker. Who could handle her?”

“Taylor’s pretty level headed. I want to say he’d pair with Darkness because they’re the party tanks, but, well…uh, she’s not into the, er…”

“Reasonable and responsible type?” Kazuma prompted with a grin.

“...if there is one woman in this town with objectively worse taste in men than me, it’s her,” Rin tittered. “That just leaves Keith with Darkness. I mean, she’s basically the only girl he hasn’t hit on.”

“Why, she not his type?” Kazuma asked curiously.

“Because for all he acts like a horny idiot, Keith figured out she was a rich girl from a big name family the moment he saw her, and he does not want an angry head of house coming after him with the family legendary weapon because he harassed their precious baby girl,” Rin said with a shrug. “That’s why even the guys who are into women who, uh, well, come on as strong as she does, stay the hell away from her.”

“Actually, her dad asked me when I was going to knock her up. He’s got grandkid fever,” Kazuma said with a grimace. “Talk about an awkward conversation…”

“Wait, seriously? Then why haven’t you, you know,” Rin flushed and coughed. “Um, done the deed. She’s at least a little into you. Uh, speaking as a fellow connoisseur of garbage…”

“I’m kind of a trashy guy?” Kazuma said, giving Rin a flat look. 

“Yeah…sorry. I wouldn’t even be hinting that I was OK with going out with you if you weren’t at least a bit of a dirtbag. Nice guys are just…well, they’re kinda boring, you know?” Rin said, blushing slightly. “Sorry if I sound like a slut or something…”

“Well, to answer your question, it’s because both of us are virgin idiots, and, well, uh…I’m not…into what she is,” Kazuma said, rubbing the back of his head. “Or that whole noble responsibility thing.”

“Huh. I’d have figured she’d have managed to trip at least one guy into a haybale,” Rin said, looking like she didn’t believe Kazuma. “And as for you…yeah, that tracks.”

“Hey! Just because I haven’t ever  had a girlfriend…how many boyfriends have you even had?!” Kazuma demanded hotly. 

“Three. Though I only went all the way with one. He was back at school though, and he just wanted to become a Demolition mage after he graduated. Like, the pay is good, but man, just using your magic to build roads and buildings all day for the rest of your life…that sounds super boring.”

“O-oh,” Kazuma said, wincing slightly. “But, uh, you don’t mind that I-”

“I only have one question,” Rin turned to Kazuma, and her green eyes bored into his. “Are you going to ever mock me because I’m petite? Because I’ve seen the curves in your party, and, well, if you’re going to compare me to that, I’m not even going to bother.”

Kazuma put one hand over his heart, and groped Rin with the other, causing her to let out a squawk. “Flat is justice.”

“W-well, I, uh, I,” Rin stammered, her face going so red Kazuma was half surprised she didn’t spontaneously combust.

“Hey. Is he harassing you, Rin? Because if he is, we’ll teach this creep a lesson!” 

Rin jumped in her seat, and Kazuma hastily dropped his hand, giving the two girls who’d come up to them an innocent look. He recognized them as regulars, Matilda and Gerty, another mage and a warrior woman who had an axe on her back that could have split Kazuma down the middle. 

“We, uh, we’re actually…dating!” Rin said, scooting close to Kazuma, and causing both of the girls to give her a shocked look. “Yep! Um, I might have to talk to him about taking liberties in public, but no harassment here! Or, well, except for the kind that he’s allowed to do!”

Kazuma blinked in surprise, but when Matilda and Gerty’s looks sharpened he hastily nodded. “Uh, yep! We were just talking about setting up our other party members on dates! Sounds like fun, huh?”

“Rin, honey, no offense, but you have the worst taste in men I have ever heard of. And who the hell is dumb enough to date his party members? Not even Dust is stupid enough to date a lunatic red eye, an Axis Cultist, or a noble brat,” Gerty said, shaking her head in exasperation as Matilda nodded firmly. 

“Hey! You can diss me all you want, but you knock it off with my friends!” Kazuma snarled, getting to his feet. 

“Or what?” Gerty said with a smirk, fingering her axe handle.

Kazuma waggled his fingers suggestively. “I feel a steal coming on…”

“Seriously? You’re going to let your ‘boyfriend’ do that, Rin?” Matilda demanded, raising her staff protectively.

Rin shrugged. “If he needs to teach a couple of uptight bitches a lesson, he needs to teach a lesson. Wash your hands afterwards, Kazuma. They might have something.”

“You got it, honey. Sttteeeee-”

“EEEEK!” both the women shrieked, and ran off, their hands clutching their clothes protectively. The rest of the women in the bar (sans Aqua, who didn’t notice, and Megumin, who shouted a few derisive jeers after the two then gave Kazuma a thumbs up) all glared at Kazuma, and mutters of “Kazutrash” and “Scumzuma” abounded. 

“Assholes,” Kazuma muttered, sitting back down. Rin nodded, and Kazuma experimentally trailed his arm over her shoulders. “So, uh about that whole thing…”

“If you are going to steal another girl's underwear, you’d better have a damn good reason. That was one, I think. But seriously, don’t. And burn it if you do. Unless it’s Chris’. I want a pair of hers.”

Kazuma paused, then leaned around to peer at Rin. “Are you serious?”

She snorted and shook her head. “No, but can you imagine? She’s got such a reputation for always coming out on top in every situation, and outsmarting everyone, then you, a no-namer from Eris only knows where shows up and humiliates her, twice!? Hmm, maybe you do have a thing for petite ladies.”

“Uh, yeah,” Kazuma agreed. “I, er don’t usually do that on purpose…” The look Rin gave him could have peeled paint, and Kazuma flinched. “Ok, ok! I only stole her panties twice! The first time was really an accident, and, uh, aside from that, it was just Megumin and Darkness…”

“Do you steal the panties of all the girls you want to hit on?” Rin snorted.

Kazuma considered that, then pointed his hand at Rin. “Steal.” She froze, and Kazuma felt lacy fabric fall into his hands. “Maybe.”

“...you had better not show those off to anyone,” Rin growled, turning her head to glare at Kazuma, though she was flushing rather deeply. 

“I’ll keep them private, for later,” Kazuma promised, and tucked them into his belt pouch.

“What!? No! Give them back, I only have three pairs!” Rin hissed, pawing at the pouch.

“Seriously?” Kazuma asked, pausing.

Rin nodded, glaring at him, her nostil’s flaring. “Yes! I can’t exactly afford to buy a bunch of clothes!” 

“How about this: your rich new boyfriend will buy you as many pairs as you want, provided you model them for him first,” Kazuma teased.

Rin stopped fumbling for Kazuma’s bag, and slowly leaned back. “Oh, really? Just how rich are you?”

“Rich enough that I could buy you a pair of panties for every day of the year and still not have to quest a day again in my life,” Kazuma said with a nonchalant shrug.

“Hubba hubba,” Rin muttered, a grin on her face as she leaned on Kazuma’s shoulder. “I’m in.”

“Uh, wait. Really?” Kazuma asked, actually shocked that had worked. 

“Uh, yeah? I don’t expect you to pamper me or anything, I prefer a life of adventure, thank you very much, but being able to live in a mansion with plenty of clothes instead of a tiny closet in a cheap boarding house? Uh, yes, please!” 

Kazuma nodded slowly. “Oh. Well, uh…so…tomorrow then?”

“Mmm,” Rin agreed, stroking Kazuma’s chest. “Yes. Though we’ll just start with one pair to replace what you stole, and maybe four more so I only have to wash them once a week. You can steal my bra too if you’ll buy me a couple more of those…”

“Oh? St-”

Rin hastily shoved her hand over Kazuma’s mouth. “Not HERE you dolt! Uh, later. In private! And, uh, we’ll start with the panties. But nothing but looking! I’m not going to put out on the first date, so get that out of your head!”

Kazuma nodded, and Rin withdrew her hand. “Are we, er, still going to…?”

“Oh, absolutely. We’ll figure out how to set them up tomorrow,” Rin said. She sat up, then stood, stretching and yawning. “But I’m tired, and I am not a fan of going commando. You’re lucky I did laundry this morning.”

“Oh, uh, OK.” Kazuma stood awkwardly as well, blushing slightly. “So, uh, tomorrow…say, around lunch time?”

“If you’re buying. I intend to abuse my girlfriend privileges for at least a meal,” Rin teased. Then, to Kazuma’s befuddlement, she tilted her head back and grinned at him. “Well?”

“Well…see you tomorrow?” Kazuma offered awkwardly, waving somewhat shyly. 

“Well, aren’t you going to kiss your new girlfriend goodnight?” Rin laughed, and leaned in closer. “You really haven’t had a girlfriend before, have you?”

“I, uh, n-no…” Kazuma admitted, leaning in closer to Rin.

“Hmm. Well, pucker up, then.” Rin wrapped one around Kazuma, and he hastily did the same. He pressed his lips to hers in a rather chaste kiss, and when he saw her eyes were closed, he did the same.

He also noticed she was flipping off Matilda and Gerty, who were making faces across the bar, and he grinned at that. 

“You really are a fujoshi, aren’t you?” Kazuma chuckled when they broke apart, his head spinning and his heart pounding. 

“A what?” Rin asked, frowning slightly.

“A, uh, dirty girl.”

“If you’re calling me a trash panda, I swear to Eris, Kazuma…”

“Hmm, I like it,” Kazuma said, rubbing his chin. “My adorable little trash panda.”

“Asshole,” Rin giggled, but peaked him on the cheek. “See you tomorrow! We’ll figure out the party swap then!”

Kazuma practically floated on air out of the guild, though he came up short when he saw a short and very irritated looking mage waiting for him. 

“Having a little make-out session, are we?” Megumin demanded, coming out of the shadows, though her glowing red eyes had given her away long before that. “Someone attempting to disrupt the harmony of our party?”

“Uh, actually, would you be interested in dating Taylor?” Kazuma offered hastily.

Megumin blinked at him, clearly taken aback and going off her stride. “What?”

“See, Rin and I, we noticed that, uh, well, everyone in our parties is single, and Taylor was saying how cute you are, and how much he admired your magical talent,” Kazuma hemmed. 

“Really,” Megumin said, folding her arms over her chest and glaring up at Kazuma. “What did he say, exactly?”

“Well, Rin was saying he was really jealous of your skill as an Archwizard, and how amazing it was when you took out the Destroyer, and how beautiful your Explosions were,” Kazuma managed lamely. 

That, however, was the ticket to Megumin’s heart, and she beamed. “Well, I can see he has better taste than some who shall remain nameless! I will consent to him attempting to woo me, but only if he does so in the fashion of the Crimson Demon Clan.”

Then, with a smirk and a giggle, Megumin flounced off back into the guild. Thankfully, Taylor seemed to have left already, and Megumin just went over to begin to loudly brag to Yunyun that she had, “Found a man worthy of my stature.”

“Great,” Kazuma groaned. “Sorry, Rin…”

He ended the evening with a very special session with Rin’s panties, which he put in a place of honor in his sock drawer. They did smell of her very strongly, and he was giddy at the thought that even if he had stolen them, Rin had been OK with him doing so. And modeling new underwear for him tomorrow…

Around lunch time, Kazuma headed to the guild, realizing he hadn’t exactly told Rin where to meet him, and figuring that was a good starting point. He had just made it into town though when he heard a frantic voice shouting his name. 

“Kazuma! Kazuma!” Rin cried, running up to him, red faced and out of breath. 

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out. What’s up?” Kazuma asked, suddenly nervous. Was Rin calling off the date?

“I screwed up!” she moaned, coming up and putting her head on Kazuma’s chest while grabbing his vest to pull around her head as if to hide herself. “I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to, I just…”

“What?! What’s wrong!?” Kazuma demanded, putting a hand on Rin’s head and back reflexively.

She didn’t look up, trembling slightly as her tail sagged. “I…maybe sorta…told the boys, and they, uh, well…they’re sort of ready for the date now…”

“What!? Now!? But the girls aren’t even-” Kazuma began.

“Kazuma, Kazuma!”

Wincing, Kazuma turned as Rin hastily stepped back from him, only to see Megumin running up, dressed not in her usual robe, but a sun dress with a floral print, and a straw hat with a wide brim and and a red ribbon around it on her head. Darkness and Aqua were right behind her, similarly decked out in finery, with Darkness showing so much cleavage Kazuma thought she’d pop right out of her top.

“We are prepared! Ah, there she is! Rin, where are our prospective dates!” Megumin demanded, grinning maniacally and planting her legs wide. 

“I-I am not so certain about this…” Darkness stammered. “I-I do not know if I really wish to date Dust, he, ah, well, he has a low reputation, but, um…”

“Hey if we go on a date, Keith has to pay for my food, right?” Aqua asked. “Because otherwise, this sounds really boring.”

“Uh…” Kazuma glanced at Rin, who mostly just looked relieved. “Well, uh, I don’t know what the other guys have planned, but-”

“Let’s go find out!” Rin squeaked, grabbing Kazuma’s arm and steering him towards the guild. 

“Uh, do they actually have anything planned?” Kazuma whispered.

“Those idiots!? Are you kidding?! Dust wants to stay in and drink until he pukes, Keith wants to take them to that damn bar Lolisa works at, and Taylor wants to take everyone on a ‘scenic stroll!’ No wonder they’re single!” Rin sighed, her tail drooping as her shoulders slumped. 

“Right…” Kazuma said, his mind racing. What did the girls like? What did Rin like? Magic stuff? New panties? Shit, Kazuma barely knew anything about her! But he did know how to herd his party of cats in a semi-coherent direction. “Okay, here’s what we’re gonna do…”

Rin listened as they walked, making a few suggestions and pointers to modify the plan so it would click with her own party members' sensibilities. By the time they reached the Adventurer’s guild they had, well, calling it a plan would be a stretch, but a reasonably well bullshited line of improvisation. 

The three members of Rin’s party were lined up outside the guild, and to Kazuma’s astonishment, looked reasonably well-groomed. Taylor was in a nice if worn tunic and trousers, with a nice tie and his hair slicked back and neatly combed. For once, Keith didn’t look totally sleazy, though he did have on his old jacket, he was wearing what looked like a new shirt and tights and had his hair pulled back in a small bun. 

The real surprise was Dust, who was nearly unrecognizable. His hair had been tamed and combed, and he had a pair of cheap brass earrings in his ears, stylized like little dangling lances. He was wearing a very outdated doublet and hose with poofy sleeves that looked wildly incongruous with his current surroundings, and shoes with actual buckles on them. The clothing was a bit rumpled and slightly stained as if it had been stored poorly somewhere and hastily retrieved, but it fit Dust as though it had been expertly tailored.

“Where did Dust get THAT get up?” Kazuma demanded of Rin softly. 

She shook her head. “I have no idea, but when he heard he was supposed to take Darkness on a date, he went a little pale and muttered something about ‘the last chance for her,’ which is a bit harsh, but then again I got the sense he wasn’t even talking about Darkness.”

The boys had all been talking together, but upon seeing Kazuma and the girls approach, they hastily straightened up. Taylor stepped forward, took a deep breath, and then to Kazuma’s surprise, posed with one hand lifted on high, standing on one foot with the other toe crossed behind and touching the ground, like he was a bullfighter preparing for a performance. Which, considering who his date was, probably had some merit. 

“Behold! I am Taylor of Axel, a Crusader, and he who wishes to take this Beauty of the Crimson Demon Clan on a date!”

Kazuma nearly tripped over his own two feet at that, while everyone else nearby paused and looked at Taylor like he had completely lost his marbles, then looked to Megumin to see her reaction.

To Kazuma’s shock, Megumin was blushing and clutching her bag, looking down almost cutely and fidgeting. “W-well, I-I suppose since you have managed a proper introduction, I-I will consent to allow you to woo me. But you still must prove yourself! A mere introduction is not enough to win a maiden’s tender heart!” 

As if not to be outdone, Dust stepped forward, clicked his heels together as if he were standing at attention, then executed what could only be called a flawless courtly bow, taking Darkness’ hands in his and brushing his lips over the back of her hand. 

“My lady, may I have the honor and pleasure of escorting you this fine day?” Dust said, maintaining his bow and not even looking up once. 

“I-I would be delighted by your company, fine sir,” Darkness stammered, looking as flustered as Megumin had been. “M-Might I have the honor of your style and house?”

Dust froze for a moment, then slowly went to one knee, looking up and meeting Darkness in the eye. “This humble man is deserving of no style, and his house has been taken from him. He is but a wandering knight, lost in the Dust.”

“O-oh, uh, yes, s-sorry, I just, um, well,” Darkness stammered, looking completely off balance now.

Dust suddenly grinned and got to his feet, some of his impudence coming back. “Had those damn lessons pounded into your head by stuffy old tutors too?”

“Uh, yes,” Darkness said slowly, cocking her head to one side, then looking Dust up and down as if seeing him for the first time. “Though, ah, at this time…please, refer to me only as Darkness. I am but a humble Crusader, and you should see me only as though I were clad in a helm of no honors.”

“Then we shall both be under the unclad helm,” Dust agreed easily. Then he leered at Darkness’s bust. “Which is good, because otherwise someone of my station could never get an eyeful of those hooters!” 

“Dust!” Rin hissed, and actually stuck her leg out and kicked him in the shin, causing Dust to help and hop away on one foot. 

“What’s that bit about being ‘under a helm’ or whatever means?” Kazuma whispered to Megumin.

“It’s a code nobles use for when they go out incognito. Most of them wear a helm to hide their features, and in full armor you can’t tell what house a knight might be from. Darkness just doesn’t like helmet hair,” Megumin informed him. 

While the whole scene with Dust and Darkness had been playing out, Keith had gone over to Aqua, a frown on his face as he held out a bunch of wildflowers to her. “Look, you’re hot and all, but I don’t have some grand speech planned. I got you these though.”

“Oh thanks, I didn’t get you anything myself,” Aqua said, accepting the flowers. She pulled out a piece of paper, from where Kazuma didn’t see, and using the flowers, crushed them to make some pigment, then did a quick sketch, which she handed over to Keith. “Here! Just a quick impression.”

Keith took one look at the drawing, and his jaw dropped open. His knees wobbled slightly, and tears filled his eyes. “This…this…how did you even…?”

Leaning over, Kazuma caught a quick glance of the paper. It was a shockingly detailed impression of a man with a hole in his chest, a throbbing heart in his hands, which he offered up to faceless demons, a look of mindless ecstasy on his face. Maybe Keith had been hitting the succubus shop just a little bit too hard. 

“I can just tell, and you tell Becky just because she buys me a bottle of bubbly every week doesn’t mean she and her girls can get away with being meanies forever!” Aqua huffed. Then she smiled at Keith. “So what about lunch?”

“We have a plan!” Rin said hastily, taking Kazuma’s arm and dragging him forward a bit. “Don’t we, Kazuma?”

“Uh, that’s right,” Kazuma agreed as everyone turned to look at them. “We’re going to do a bit of shopping-” Keith and Dust looked rather concerned, while the girls smiled and Taylor nodded stoically, “and get a some food and drink for a picnic!'' Now Dust looked interested, but everyone else was completely bored, “Which we will then take to Beldia’s old castle for an Explosion Demonstrated by Megumin. It should also lure out the Ghosts and Zombies that infest the place, so we’ll take care of those and earn a little money from the bounty Luna posted.”

Now Megumin and Aqua looked delighted, while Darkness seemed disappointed. 

“There’s also supposed to be a powerful Beginner’s Bane that’s got a den there, and rumor has it, she has two cubs, so we’ll need someone to hold her off when she comes out after the Explosion disturbs her,” Rin added hastily, and Darkness was grinning widely as well.

“Wait a minute,” Dust said suspiciously. “This sounds like work, not a date.”

“Then we’ll stop at the lake on the way back for some swimming, so the girls need to pick out some swimsuits,” Kazuma added as a last minute improvisation.” Dust immediately perked up and grinned at Darkness, who blushed mightily.  Aqua and Keith both grinned, Aqua probably because she loved anything to do with the water, and Keith because he wanted to see her in a bathing suit. 

“Hmph,” Megumin muttered, glaring at Darkness as she began to sulk. “You all just want to leer at the cow with the giant udders over there.”

“Ah, don’t be like that Megumin, us smaller girls have our charms as well!” Rin laughed, going over to here. “Come on, we’ll pick out something that will have all the guys looking at us instead of Darkness and Aqua!”

“Hmm, well, I suppose if you are my ally in this endeavor, I can consent to it. But nothing too provocative! A Crimson Demon must have her mysteries,” Megumin said, looking slightly mollified. 

The shopping trip itself was a bit of a controlled disaster, though Kazuma didn’t try too hard to organize the chaos. Dust had been a bit panicky when Darkness went straight for the most expensive clothier in Axel, clutching at what had to be an empty purse. However, for once, Darkness showed a bit of self awareness, and reassured him. 

“As is traditional, mine is the greater house, and though we are under the helm, I would not expect a junior house to cater to my tastes.” Then she blushed. “That aside…um, this is the only shop with garments that are, er, sturdy enough for my ah…needs.”

“Hey, you don’t have to apologize for having a killer rack,” Dust said with a chuckle. He rubbed the back of his head. “And thanks, I, uh, well, even before certain things happened, I wasn’t, well…let’s just say I’d never try and court you, high nobles usually consider people like me basically peasants.”

“Hey, the stuff here is really pricey,” Rin whispered to Kazuma. She pointed to another shop across the street, the one Megumin and Taylor were going into. “I usually shop there, way more reasonable, and the quality isn’t bad.”

Glancing at the price tags, Kazuma nearly had his eyes bug out of his head. 10,000 eris for a single regular blouse?! That was pricey. “Uh, I can afford this stuff, so if you really want to…”

“No, she might need giant spider silk and manticore leather to keep the artillery she’s packing contained, but just regular cotton works for me. Don’t go blowing that much money on the first date, or I’ll think you’re just trying really hard to get into my pants,” Rin informed him, taking his hand and pulling him across the street. 

Megumin looked surprised to see Rin at the discount tailors, but she was happy enough to chat while the two of them browsed the wares, then talked with the seamstress about what they wanted. 

As they chatted, Taylor leaned in close to Kazuma. “So, uh, any advice? I’ve always thought Megumin was cute, but, well, she’s a Crimson Demon!”

“Yeah?” Kazuma said, his eyes narrowing. “You gonna say something racist now?’

“What? No!” Taylor looked horrified at the prospect, and hastily clarified, “I mean, I grew up around here. Nothing but low level monsters and low experience food. She’s from, you know, an S Class Zone! And, well, she’s already an Arch Wizard! Way out of my league.”

“And she’s an Explosion maniac,” Kazuma deadpanned. 

“Yes, her dedication is so admirable!” Taylor said, making a fist and nodding. “I well recall her great contributions against General Beldia and the Destroyer! To think, so early in her career, she stood alongside the Ice Witch, and was her equal!” he sighed and looked down. “How could a woman of such skill and prowess ever be interested in a man who barely qualified as a Crusader, and can’t even take on ogres without fear of death?”

“Honestly? Just tell her what you just told me. Then listen and nod when she starts going off about Explosion Magic. Oh, and a little over-the-top poetry and theatrics will go a long way with her. Just never let her even catch a hint that you’re mocking her, she’s got an ego and a temper with a fuse shorter than her cast time, which I’m pretty sure is instantaneous.”

“Wait, really?! How could that be true?!” Taylor protested, his brow knitting together. “I’m no mage, but to have instant cast on such a spell…the skill required, not to mention the investment of points, how could anyone hope to master that for a spell as mighty as Explosion!?”

“A ha! So I see Kazuma is spilling some of my deepest secrets!” As if summoned by the mention of Explosion, Megumin popped up, a broad grin on her face, one hand raised in a V sign by her eyes. “You are indeed correct! A normal mage, nay, even a normal Crimson Demon, could not hope to master instant cast of Explosion Magic! I have had to spend my sleepless nights in study, and even creating some of my own skills through dedication and research, but I have indeed mastered it! I can even cast Explosion when Silenced, or immobilized! For I am MEGUMIN, the True Mistress of Explosion Magic!” 

“That’s incredible! What level even are you!? To have such skills…” 

Megumin dragged Taylor over to where she was picking out a swimsuit, suddenly instructing the seamstress that “I will require a two piece garment instead of what we discussed.” Apparently, Taylor was hitting nothing but home runs, even if Kazuma was pretty sure the knucklehead had no idea he was flawlessly pressing all the right buttons. 

“Psst! Kazuma! Over here!” Rin called, poking her head out from behind the curtain of one of the changing rooms. 

Leaving the two apparent Explosion enthusiasts behind, Kazuma stepped into the small changing room, where a blushing Rin had on a rather modest swimsuit top, a green and yellow sarong over a bra that hung down to a few centimeters above her belly button on the front, and boyshorts in the same color scheme. 

“Hey, not bad,” Kazuma said, grinning lecherously, though keeping his hands at his sides. “You look smokin’ in that.”

“Why thank you,” Rin giggled, posing despite the cramped space and winking at Kazuma. “But, uh, that’s not what I called you in here for…”

“Oh?” Kazuma’s heart began to pound, especially when Rin pulled out several pairs of panties and a bra. “Oh ho. Those do look nice, I like the little bows on the front.”

“Well, you’d better, because you’re buying,” Rin said bluntly, poking him in the chest. “And no stealing these! At least, not in public!”

“I promise,” Kazuma agreed, and made to step outside the curtain. “I’ll just let you get changed…”

“Oh no. Have a seat. I’m keeping an eye on you while Megumin gets changed herself. I can trust Taylor not to try anything, but you…I don’t think so.”

“Wait, are you saying-” Kazuma began, but Rin pushed him onto the bench at the back of the changing room. 

“Keep it down, if Madam Fustrow hears you, she’ll kick us both out, or at least charge extra,” Rin scolded, blushing and putting one arm over her chest. “Just…consider this your reward. I didn’t think this would be going nearly so well…”

“I, uh, sure,” Kazuma agreed. 

Rin grinned mischievously, though her face was still red, then slowly turned around. “Undo me, please?”

With clumsy fingers and baited breath, Kazuma managed to undo the clasps at the back of Rin’s top. She turned back around, hugging herself to keep the sarong on. Then, slowly, she lifted her arms, letting the fabric flutter to the floor. She posed with her hands behind her back, wiggling slightly. “Well, um, like what you see?”

“Uh, yeah. They’re, um, pretty great,” Kazuma stammered. 

“Well, that’s good. I’m not as stacked as some of the monsters in your party, but I at least don’t get mistaken for a boy,” Rin said with a smirk. She wrapped her tail around her front. “Now, no peeking…”

Kazuma very much did try to peek, though he only caught glimpses as Rin slid her bottom down, then picked up a pair of the panties she’d selected. She held them up for Kazuma’s inspection, pink fabric with a green trim and small bow on the front, briefs that showed less skin than the swimsuit had. She hiked them up, then grabbed a bra, this one closer to a sports bra. “Not so sexy, but this is practical stuff for work.”

“It uh, it still looks pretty sexy,” Kazuma managed, wiping away a drop of blood and sniffing loudly. 

“Why thank you. Do me up?” Rin said, and Kazuma obligingly managed to hook it.

Rin frowned, cupping her own breasts and bouncing up and down a few times, then doing a few twists and exercises, her tail swishing back and forth. “Hmm. Yeah, this one will do. Madam Fustrow knows my size from my previous purchases.”

“They do look pretty good,” Kazuma agreed, unable to take his eyes off Rin.

“I like sexy better, we’ll need to work on your vocabulary, though. Or do I just reduce you to a drooling caveman?” Rin giggled. “Alright, next pair…”

Rin tried on a few different styles, all of which Kazuma did his best to lavish with praise. They were all fairly practical, the sort of thing Kazuma imagined she would wear on a day to day basis. 

“Well, I hope you enjoyed the show,” Rin said with a giggle, dragging Kazuma up, then pushing him towards the door. “Now I need to get changed. Go make sure Aqua didn’t manage to burn down the shop or something.”

“Do I have to?” Kazuma asked with half a whine. “I could make sure your clothes fit…”

“You’ve seen enough for one day, especially the first date! Go do something useful,” Rin ordered, and shut the curtain behind Kazuma. 

Aqua, it turned out, was charming all the fish in the nearby fountain, while Keith mostly just gawked at her act. Darkness and Dust were still in the expensive tailor shop, and Megumin and Taylor had moved on to purchasing the food and drink for their picnic, which Kazuma assisted with. If Megumin had been allowed to pick, they’d have had day old bread and stale cheese, with the goal of catching some crawdads to cook or something.

“We’re not catching crawdads on a date,” Kazuma flatly told her. “That’s stupid.”

“Actually, I quite like crawdads. My father taught me, and we’d often have them for meals, especially in the summer. They go great with some wild onions and a dandelion salad,” Taylor piped up, earning him a glare from Kazuma and a big grin from Megumin. 

“No, and that’s final. I’m not cooking little water roaches for Rin,” Kazuma said firmly. 

“He just doesn’t respect our culture,” Megumin said, and Taylor sighed and nodded. 

“Rich folks. They just don’t understand the satisfaction of a good meal you harvested and cooked yourself.”

Ignoring the two idiots, Kazuma got two entire roast chickens, several loaves of fresh bread, butter, peaches, cream, a small cask of ale, and two bottles of wine. Actually, he got an extra one just for Aqua to be on the safe side. 

By the time he was finished loading down Taylor, everyone else was outside the shop, and it was well into the afternoon. Kazuma half wondered if they should call the whole thing off for the next day, but everyone seemed so eager to set out, he said what the heck, and set off for the ruins of Beldia’s castle. 

Chapter Text

It was quite a walk out to the castle, and no one was in any real hurry. The couples all scattered a bit to talk with one another, with Dust holding a parasol  of all things for Darkness, and Kazuma noticed for the first time just how tall Dust was. Normally, the man slouched so much that you wouldn’t notice, but he was actually maybe a centimeter or two taller than Darkness when he bothered to stand up straight. That made him one of the tallest Adventurers in town, which was a bit of a shocker to Kazuma. 

“You know, I almost bought the idea that idiot was a nobleman,” Kazuma muttered to Rin. “Where the hell did he pull this act from?”

“Search me. He’s still being a scumbag, even if he’s dressed up fancy. Did you see him try to pinch Darkness’ butt?!”

“Yeah, and she leaned into it. It’s almost like he’s calculated exactly how to please her: Half fancy twit, half gutter trash.”

“I think Taylor actually did calculate his approach to Megumin, but he does everything that way,” Rin said, sounding exasperated, though she did smile in amusement as she nodded to them. 

Taylor was talking about growing up in Axel and hunting for various wild plants to eat to feed his younger brothers, while Megumin laughed and shared stories about the insane things Komekko had been willing to eat. 

Meanwhile, Keith was pouring his heart out to Aqua, who for once seemed to be sympathetic. Though the advice she was giving was as wild as ever. 

“Don’t let your dream girls just be dreams! And if she’s a smelly demon, you should join the Axis Cult and slay her! Then you can hook up with a cutie from my followers! Just sign this contract!” 

“Yeah, this isn’t as bad as I imagined,” Kazuma admitted with a sigh. “Everyone seems to be having fun, and no one has tried to kill their date yet.”

“There is time yet,” Rin giggled, but then to Kazuma’s delight and surprise, slipped her hand into his, giving it a squeeze. “So, what’s the secret to the great Kazuma Sato?”

“What secret? Everyone already knows what I’m about,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

“No, I mean, how did you end up in Axel? I’ve heard you came with Aqua, where do you know her from?” Rin asked curiously.

Wincing, Kazuma mulled over lying, but sighed and gave it up as a bad job. “We just met that day, actually. I was…well, I had to leave my homeland, and I sort of dragged her with me against her will. She’d given me a choice between coming to Belzerg and starting a new life after my old one was over, and I tricked her into making the same oath I did. She can’t go home until we defeat the Devil King.”

“Wow, that’s rough. Dick move there, Kazuma. What were you banished for, anyway?” Rin asked. “Don’t worry, I won’t hold it against you, unless it was something really messed up.”

“Nah, I wasn’t even exiled I guess, I just…” he sighed. “You know how Aqua can bring people back to life?”

“Yeah…” Rin said, her brow furrowing. “That is a pretty amazing trick, I’ve only ever heard of a couple legendary archpriests that could manage that.”

“Well, I died in an accident, and she brought me back, and my choices were pretty much dying again or coming here. She offered to give me a magic item, but I got pissed off at how snooty she was being and picked her. Apparently you can do that, and her bosses made her come here with me.”

“Oh.” Rin thought that over, then nodded. “She can be a bit much, but that makes sense. Weird though, you two seem like best friends now.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Kazuma admitted with a shrug.

“...any reason you didn’t date her?” Rin asked, glancing at Kazuma out of the corner of her eye and keeping her tone deliberately casual.

“I just don’t think of her that way. And, uh, Keith is probably going to be disappointed too. Aqua isn’t, uh, I don’t think she’s into this sort of thing…”

“Oh! Oh my gods, is she gay!?” Rin gasped, looking over at Keith in horror. “Oh, he’s going to be so disappointed…”

“Uh, I don’t think so? She’s just not into the whole romance deal. But, uh, hopefully they’ll have fun or something,” Kazuma said with a sigh. 

“Er, I guess, as long as she doesn’t get Keith in the Axis Cult. Aqua’s pretty normal for one of them,” Rin said with a shrug. 

“What about you?” Kazuma said, trying not to laugh at the thought of a ‘normal’ Aqua. “Why’d you end up in Axel?”

“Me? Well, I was born in the town of Hub, it’s further north, with slightly higher level monsters. My parents are decently well off, and I had a knack for magic, so they sent me to the College of Mages in the Capital. I was a good student, graduated in three years with honors, knowing Intermediate Magic and having mastered six schools, though I specialized in Evocation since that’s the normal path for an Adventurer. I didn’t want to grow up and be a grocer like my mom and dad, and I’ve got two older siblings and a little brother.”

“Huh,” Kazuma said, then glanced at Rin’s tail.

“And before you ask, my dad’s a beastman, my mom’s a human. So I got the tail, but none of the other furry bits,” Rin said, poking Kazuma in the side.

“Ow! Hey, I like the tail! Is it, uh…sensitive?” He asked, glancing  behind Rin. Actually, her tail was wagging happily, even when he reached out to touch it.

“Yes!” Rin swished her tail away from Kazuma and frowned at him. “Look, I’ll flash you, but touching the tail is definitely not a first date kind of thing. It’s connected to my spine! So yes, it is an erogenous zone, which is why most beastkin are so protective of their tails.” Her tail flew up and swatted Kazuma’s hand. “So no touching, unless I tell you it’s OK! We’re not at that stage in our relationship yet!”

“Alright, alright. I was just curious,” Kazuma protested. 

“Oh I’m sure.” Something tickled Kazuma’s back, and Rin giggled when he grabbed at the tail, flicking the appendage just out of his reach. “Don’t worry, if you keep this up, you’ll get your tail stroking privileges.”

They eventually came to Beldia’s old haunt just before sunset, and Rin directed Aqua and Keith in spreading out the blankets they’d brought, as well as setting out the food. Dust spread his jacket on the ground for Darkness to sit on, which earned him a blush and a thank you, while Megumin practiced her poses asTaylor watched and gave color commentary.

“Hmm, are you going for a more intimidating pose, or a cute one? Because if you kick your leg up like that, it’s very fetching, but showing that much leg probably won’t scare anyone” Taylor pointed out. He mimed her pose, then thrust one hand pointing down, squatting and extending one leg. “Like this is more impressive and threatening! Don’t try to loom, it won’t work for you. Go for a more catlike pose. Still deadly looking, but it focuses on your natural grace and lithe beauty instead.”

“Ha ha, yes! I see you’re a connoisseur of poses! Perhaps not as well trained as one of the Crimson Demon Clan, but you have solid fundamentals!” Megumin cackled. 

They all sat down and had a wonderful dinner, lounging on the grass and chatting and laughing together. The food was cold, but good, and the company was actually very pleasant. Dust sat with Darkness, having gotten a fair sized pole of ash wood, and was whittling it of all things. Kazuma couldn’t fathom into what, as it mostly looked like he was just making a stake or crude spear instead of something fancy, but Darkness seemed to be interested in what he was doing. She was even opening up a bit more than Kazuma had expected, with Dust talking about spending time in his childhood riding on what sounded like family estates, and Darkness talking with fondness on her own riding experiences. 

Kazuma thought they were talking about ponies, until Darkness fondly talked about the time her “precious Daisy” had been put in full battle kit, and she’d gone out with her father and hunted White Fangs with lances on her birthday. Daisy, it seemed, was a giant coldblood, who had been raised for war. 

“I didn’t manage to ever strike any with my lance you see, I was never very good at aiming, but it was such fun to see Daisy trample those beasts underfoot. I did manage to kill one myself. It bit my arm, you see, and gave me quite a fright! It even broke the skin! Then I punched it between the eyes, and the thing fell to the ground dead! My father had the pelt made into a muffler.”

“I remember my first white fang hunt! I went out with Faitifore and was 14 though, how old were you?” Dust asked.

“Only twelve,” Darkness admitted. “You’ve mentioned Faitifore before though, was she a childhood friend of yours?”

Dust looked down, fiddling with his spear. “She was…like a little sister to me. Or a daughter. When I was stripped of my rank…they took her from me. She wept piteously and begged me not to go, but she was so young, she didn’t understand, and I couldn’t tell her… they’d have killed her if she rebelled, she’s too dangerous for them to let her run free. I left her behind, but I still think of her weeping sometimes…”

“How horrid!” Darkness gasped, her hands flying to her face. “Surely when she’s older, they’ll let her see you again… I know Uncle Melark can be stern, but he isn’t unkind.”

“I’m…not from Belzerg,” Dust admitted. “I’m from Brydle…”

Hands flying to her mouth, Darkness gasped in shock. “Oh! The Faitifore, she’s not-”

“Attention! The time is now at hand!” Taylor said, clapping his hands and drawing everyone’s eyes over to Megumin, who was grinning and posing with her staff. 

“BEHOLD! I AM MEGUMIN, FOREMOST GENIUS OF THE-”

Kazuma tuned Megumin out, having heard all this before. Instead, he focused on Rin, who was leaning against him with her head on his shoulder, smiling at Megumin’s theatrics. It felt…nice. She had even wrapped her tail around behind him, and Kazuma absently reached down for it. The tail flopped back and forth out of his reach, but he did finally manage to pin it down, with Rin shuddering beside him. 

“Not so hard,” she moaned softly, letting out a heavy sigh. “Gently…”

“It’s so soft,” he whispered back, stroking the tail. 

“Mmmm. You’re lucky I’m in a good mood, buster. Ah, if you keep that up, I-”

“ EXPLOSION !” 

A giant hand slammed down, tossing Kazuma, Rin, the blankets, and the Earth for what must have been a mile up, then a shockwave hit them, and Kazuma wrapped his arms around the now screaming Rin. They went sprawling, with her clinging to him tightly they ended up tangled in the blanket they’d been sitting on, with her on top, her tail now sticking out straight with hair bristling. 

Both of them were panting and half panicked, even as Taylor laughed and gently set the now limp Megumin down. 

“I…I see she’s put more points into that spell,” Rin gasped, her nails digging painfully into Kazuma’s ribs and arm. 

“Yeah, she’s been leveling up faster now that she knows Intermediate magic, and she puts all of her spells into that stupid spell,” Kazuma grumbled. He winced and tried to sit up, only for Rin to pull the blanket over them and cling to him even more tightly. He was a bit puzzled, until he realized she was crying, her tears soaking his shirt as she clung to him. 

“Hey, what’s wrong!? Did that chuuni menace hurt you!? I’ll call Aqua!” 

“N-no,” Rin hiccuped, looking up at Kazuma with red eyes. “It’s just…seriously? She’s that powerful? How could you even look at a mediocre mage like me with someone like her around? It’s not fair! Darkness and Aqua have figures I’d kill for, and are advanced classes to boot, but Megumin’s a Crimson Demon and is way better than I will ever-”

“Hey,” Kazuma said, putting a finger to Rin’s lips. “Your boobs are bigger than hers. Are you’ve got more sense in your tail than the rest of my party have in their entire bodies. Plus, you have a tail! How sexy is that?”

Sniffing, Rin nodded, and Kazuma used a bit of the blanket to wipe at her face. “Ok, that was pretty smooth. I will grant you tail stroking privileges.”

“Really?” Kazuma said, running his hand down Rin’s tail, which was wrapped half around him. 

She gasped and shuddered almost instantly. “N-not now! In private! That is the single best way to get my fire kindled you idiot!” 

“Oh, uh…that’s a euphemism, right?” 

Rin rolled her eyes. “It gets my waterwheel spinning, my forge stoked, opens my sluice gate, and warms my hearth. Yes, you dolt!”

“Er, good to know?” Kazuma hugged Rin a little closer, and on impulse, pressed his lips to hers. To his delight, she pulled his head closer to hers and kissed him hungrily, molding herself to him. After a few moments though, she broke it off, her tail stiffening again.

“What, did I do something wrong?” he asked.

“Uh, Kazuma, that isn’t me growling,” she whispered softly, her eyes very wide. “I think…”

They hastily unwrapped themselves from the blankets, to find Aqua cowering behind Keith, who had only his belt knife, while Taylor, who had brought his sword, was standing protectively over the snoring form of Megumin. Beyond them, Darkness and Dust were standing together, their stances wide, Dust wielding a spear, Darkness with nothing but her sundress on, her shoes kicked off, and hat tossed aside. 

And past them was a huge black tiger, its even blacker stripes barely visible in the fading twilight. Beside it, two smaller cats, these only the sign of normal tigers instead of a hippo, snarled and paced, baring fangs as big as Kazuma’s dagger. 

“Darkness! That’s a Beginner’s Bane!” Kazuma shouted, desperately scrambling upright. “Rin, grab Megumin’s staff! We have to-”

“I know !” Darkness said, her tone low and throaty. She turned to Dust and grinned. “Shall we?”

“After you,” Dust said, with a bow like he was at a ball instead of the battlefield.

Of course, to Belzergian nobility, Kazuma would later learn there really wasn’t much of a difference. 

Darkness plowed right in, a gleeful grin on her face. The big tiger pounced at her, claws spread wide, its enormous jaws opening as if to engulf her. Darkness met the attack with a bare hand block, practically shoving her arm down the Beginner’s Bane’s throat. By all rights, it should have snapped her arm off at the shoulder and mauled her to death. 

Instead, Darkness twisted with a joyful shout, flipping the tiger over. Her other hand came up and delivered a bone shattering blow to the great cat’s chest, knocking the wind out of it. Darkness then withdrew her arm, slick with saliva, and proceeded to wrap her arms around the now stunned predator's neck. With a shout, she managed a perfect over the shoulder throw, then supplexed the creature into the ground so hard that it coughed blood. 

Dust had not been idle meanwhile. The two cubs had gone for him, one circling in from either side. He whipped his crude spear about, and struck like a serpent, blinding the cat to his right with one blow, then spinning and thrusting his sharpened stake into the other’s throat as it leapt at him. He flipped the bleeding and dying cat over, then kicked the other as it struck at him, knocking it over. He withdrew his spear, then pounced, skewering the other cub through the heart. 

Darkness grunted and gave a mighty yank, and there was an audible snap. The mother Bane twitched one final time, then lay still. She stood up, her dress tattered and torn, blood spattering it, though none of it seemed to be hers. She was grinning hugely, her eyes wide with delight, her entire body heaving. 

“Eh, not a bad warm up,” Dust commented. He nodded at Darkness’ kill. “Not bad! You didn’t even mess up the pelt! I tried not to ruin mine, but-”

“Dust,” Darkness growled, stomping over to him. “Shut up. That creature did not batter me nearly enough.”

“Oh really? You saying you want to spar?” Dust twirled his spear expertly and gave her a lecherous leer. “I tell you what, we spar, and I’ll remove that ripped up dress for you, though you’d have to walk back home in your bathing suit.”

“I ACCEPT!” Darkness snarled, and lunged at Dust.

“I, uh, wow,” Kazuma managed as the two of them battled. “That’s, uh…”

“Right,” Taylor stammered, picking up Megumin and hastily turning around. “We should, er, give them some privacy… Why don’t we adjourn to that meadow over there? It’s uh, a bit late to head back, but Megumin seems to need some rest, so…”

“We’ve got blankets,” Rin yawned, standing up with Kazuma, and draping one over both their shoulders. “Split up and find somewhere comfortable to sleep. It’s a warm summer evening, and it’ll be dry enough. Not the first time we’ve roughed it.”

“We call the bubbly!” Aqua said eagerly, grabbing the left over half empty bottle. “Come on, Keith! I’ll teach you some of the Axis Cult hymns, and we can think up a way you can find a girl to soothe your shattered heart.”

“But, wait, I thought I was going to date you!” Keith said plaintively.

“Don’t be silly! Goddesses don’t date mortals. Now, I know this really cute priestess named Cecily who’s single…”

Ignoring that, Kazuma grabbed a basket that had half a loaf of bread and some strawberries left, and he and Rin hurried over to a stand of pines a few hundred yards away, out of earshot of Darkness and Dust’s increasingly passionate “sparring session,” which was involving less clothing by the second. 

Settling down on a dry bit of grass, Kazuma and Rin leaned up against a tree, snuggling up against one another as the sun set. Rin slowly lifted her tail, placing it on Kazuma’s lap. She looked at him suggestively, then flipped her tail off his lap.

“Oh no you don’t,” Kazuma said, and reached for the tail. Rin laughed and tried to push him away, and Kazuma immediately stopped, uncertain what signal Rin was sending.

“What, you give up so easily? Where’s that Kazutrash I was so interested in?” Rin teased, flicking her tail up at Kazuma’s nose.

“Hey! I just, you know…you said not on the first date,” Kazuma grumbled, grabbing at the tail, only for Rin to swish it away.

“Yes, but I also said I didn’t want a nice guy,” Rin said innocently. “I wanted Scumzuma. So are you a pervert, or are you just a…what’s Aqua always calling you? Oh yes, a NEET.”

Snarling, Kazuma wrestled Rin down, which made her laugh and slap at him, though not that hard. He did manage to grab her tail, holding her down, and deliberately licked it.

“Ack, pfff!” Kazuma coughed, and spat out some hair as Rin laughed at him. 

“Ha ha, what did you do that for!? I’m not a cat, I don’t clean myself by licking, and you certainly don’t!” Rin laughed, putting a hand over her eyes as she snorted in a very un-ladylike fashion. 

“It sounded sexy in my head,” Kazuma grumbled. Then, very gently, he began to stroke the tail. 

Rin giggled for a little bit longer, then stopped, biting her lip. After a few seconds, she arched her back, moaning softly. “Oh…oh right there…yessss….”

As he stroked, Kazuma leaned down and kissed Rin, which she very enthusiastically returned. On a hunch, he laid the tail out beside Rin, tenderly caressing it with one hand, then reaching the other up inside Rin’s shirt. 

“K-Kazuma…” she gasped as he cupped her breasts. 

“What? You want me to stop?”

“Y-yes,” Rin stammered, shuddering slightly. “If you keep this up…”

“Hmm. Hard to unhook a bra from here,” Kazuma said, then withdrew his hand. Rin relaxed slightly, though she did look at him with a bit of a pout. 

“Steal! Steal!” 

“Oh!” Rin cried, even as her bra and panties fell into Kazuma’s hand. He tossed them to the side, then pressed her lips to hers again, reaching up once more to pinch her nipple. 

“N-no fair,” Rin groaned, then reached down and undid Kazuma’s belt, tossing it away. “Get my shirt off, you asshole.”

Eagerly, Kazuma helped her wriggle out of her top, and she pulled his shirt off as well. 

“This is still our first date,” Kazuma pointed out.

“I’m counting last night. Second date. So I won’t be a slut,” Rin told him as she slid down. She smiled at him, grabbing his erection with one hand. “Or maybe I will be…”

Then she took Kazuma’s dick in her mouth, and it was his turn to gasp and shudder with delight. To his disappointment, she stopped after a moment, shoving him up. 

“Too awkward. Get on your feet,” she ordered, wiping her mouth with the back of her hand. “Hurry up!”

Hastily, Kazuma got on his feet, and Rin knelt in front of him. She grinned up at him, then put one hand on his rear, the other guiding him into her mouth again. He moaned, and grabbed at her ponytail as she began to suck.

“Mmm, yes, pull it, mmm, a bit harder…no, not too hard…there,” Rin sighed, and then went back to work.

“R-rin, I, ah!” Kazuma gasped. “I think I’m going to-”

Rin didn’t back off, instead going even faster, her tongue running up and down as she worked. It was over all too soon, with Kazuma groaning and clutching at her head as she sucked as hard as she could.

“T-that was…that was…” Kazuma gasped, his whole body trembling as Rin dropped his deflating penis and he sank to his knees. 

“Pretty good, huh? Not the first dick I’ve sucked, but definitely the fastest,” Rin giggled, then took out her canteen and rinsed her mouth out, spitting into the bushes. “Alright, lay down.”

Kazuma did so, and Rin sat on his chest, smiling down at him. “Now Kazuma, turnabout is fair play. This is your first time, so, I’m going to explain to you how to properly enjoy your dessert, OK?”

He nodded hastily, and Rin scooted forward, until she was right over him. 

“Now, you’re going to use your tongue, no teeth! It’s like kissing, or licking an icecream- ah! Mmm. Not bad, keep trying…”

It took quite a bit of coaching from Rin, but she was happy to provide it, and Kazuma was delighted to be of service. He’d thought that eating a girl out would be rather gross, but as it turned out, he rather enjoyed it. After a few minutes, Rin shuddered and moaned, then slid onto the grass beside him.

“Pervert,” Kazuma teased her, and went in for a kiss.

She stopped him and made a face. “Ugh, go wash your mouth out first! Has no one taught you to do that? Never mind, no, swig some alcohol too while you’re at it. And then pass the bottle over here.”

Kazuma did as instructed, then passed the bottle to Rin, who took a swallow herself. “Mmm, tasty.”

They snuggled up together, and Kazuma felt himself stirring again. He began to stroke Rin’s tail, and she sighed. “Again, already? Sheesh, you’re insatiable…”

“Oh, uh, sorry…”

“Wow, you seriously need to lean into your horniness more, Kazuma! Are you kidding? I haven’t been screwed in almost a year! Ride me like the dirty trashy panda I am!” Rin ordered, poking Kazuma again.

“Yes ma’am!” Kazuma agreed eagerly, and slid atop Rin. 

She took him in her hands, sighing in satisfaction as he slid into her. “Right, now, gently…you already got me going once, so just, mmm, take it easy…like that…yesss…”

“You’re so damn hot,” Kazuma gasped, leaning down to kiss her again, and Rin bucked her hips, making him grunt as their lips met.

Even going more slowly, it didn’t last as long as Kazuma might have wanted, though he did manage to finish off Rin before he deflated again, with her sighing happily in satisfaction.

“Now go pee,” Rin ordered, standing up to go behind a bush. “And seriously, you are so naive.”

“Huh?” Kazuma said, frowning as he went to water the tree.

Laughter came behind him. “You’re a rich dude! You just rawdogged me! If I was trying to babytrap you, this would totally be the way to do it.”

“Oh! I uh…I guess we didn’t use protection,” Kazuma admitted, thinking of the condoms he’d made that had largely turned into balloons. 

“It’s fine, I know an Axis Priest who doesn’t ask too many questions. They’re good for that at least,” Rin told him, spreading out the blanket and stretching out on it with a contented sigh. She patted the ground beside her. “Now come on, it’s getting cold, and I don’t feel like putting my clothes back on.”

Kazuma hastened back over, and they wrapped the blanket around themselves. Kazuma found himself grinning stupidly at Rin in the Dark, and she was smiling back at him. 

“Today was a good day,” Kazuma said with a sigh. “No one can call me a virgin NEET anymore.”

“Oh, is that all I am, a notch on your belt?” Rin asked, and leaned in to bite his neck.

“Ow! No, I just, uh…”

“Relax, I know how important it is for guys to get that V-card punched. Though it was interesting, being the experienced one this time.”

“Oh, er, who was your-”

“Don’t think about him,” Rin ordered, turning around and snuggling up to Kazuma. “Just think about me. And the adorable little kids we’re going to have…”

“Uhhh…”

“Ha! Relax. I’m only 18. I figure I should have at least another six or seven years of adventuring before I let you knock me up. I’ll get on the potion. Hmm, has anyone talked to Megumin about that? I’d ask about Darkness, but noble girls are taught about that stuff early.”

“I…wouldn’t bet on that with her. Megumin probably knows more than she does,” Kazuma admitted. “Do you think her and Taylor are…?”

“Nah, not tonight, Taylor has some ironclad morals about that. He won’t sleep with her until they’re betrothed, he’s a very faithful Erisite from a traditional sect. But if they get married six months from now and she has a baby in a year…that’s also pretty traditional.”

Kazuma nodded, stroking Rin’s hair with one hand and resting on the elbow of his other arm. “So, uh, you think you and me…?”

“Too early to tell. But you’re rich, just enough of a jerk to be interesting without being a write off, and you’re actually pretty smart. Also, for a first timer, that wasn’t half bad dick, so I’m sticking around.”

Kazuma swelled with pride at that last part. “You, uh, you were pretty great too…”

“I know I am. Now shhh. We have to wake up early enough to get in a quickie before it’s time to head home,” Rin ordered, and Kazuma fell silent. Soon enough, he was snoring softly, with Rin’s tail wrapped around him as they slept under the stars. 

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

Three days later, Kazuma and Rin found themselves in a floating dragon carriage, along with Dust and Darkness. Megumin, Taylor, Aqua, and Keith were all riding in a second carriage. Initially, Kazuma had been somewhat leery of taking his least responsible (or most responsible, if you counted the quantity of trouble caused) party members to the Kingdom of Brydle. However, he and Rin had decided things would be a lot worse if they left Megumin and Aqua to their own devices, or worse, they took it into their heads to come looking for them. So, the entire gang was headed on a major diplomatic mission to the Kingdom of Brydle. 

Kazuma would have asked what could possibly go wrong, but he was fully aware of the large numbers of things that could go wrong, along with another multitude he hadn’t even conceived yet. Plus, he didn’t want to trip any death flags. 

“Well, I have to admit, this is a lot easier than walking. Though I have to wonder why we didn’t just teleport,” Rin mused out loud as their carriages glided smoothly along. 

“Teleportation is acceptable only if it’s not a state visit, or if one isn’t bringing one’s retinue along,” Darkness explained. Both girls were dressed in fine silken gowns. They were traveling dresses, of course, and thus simpler than court wear, but they were still very ornate. And in Rin’s case, dead sexy. Silk did wonderful things to her lithe body. 

“And since we’re bringing both, we gotta use a carriage,” Dust agreed. He and Kazuma had on relatively comfortable tunic and hose, though it was a bit too impractical to be adventuring gear. At least it was comfortable enough and didn’t have those giant lace collars that made Kazuma feel like a dog with a cone of shame. 

“Whatever you say, Lalatina,” Kazuma said, which made Darkness groan, and Rin elbow him. 

“D-don’t call me that until we get to Brydle!” Darkness mumbled, blushing mightily. 

“Yeah, Kazuma! You call her Darkness like she said. Or we’ll have a problem,” Dust said, cracking his knuckles ominously. Kazuma was suddenly reminded he was the least combat-effective person in the carriage and decided to behave himself. Mostly. 

“Hey, I’m just trying to keep in character. I’m but a simple retainer of Lady La-” Rin’s glare told Kazuma he’d best watch his mouth or start sleeping by himself, “-Lady Dustiness. We don’t want to mess up in front of the Brydle nobility, right?” 

“That is…a fair point,” Darkness conceded. “But please, in private, I’m still just Darkness, your clumsy and unskilled crusader. Only in public need I be Lady…Lady Dustiness.” 

“Of course, Darkness,” Rin agreed, nodding consolingly. “We’ll be your perfect retainers. I’ll be your attending mage, while Kazuma can be Sir Cheruka’s manservant.”

“What?! Why should I serve Dust?!” Kazuma demanded. “The plan was for me to serve Darkness, not Dust!”

“Because ladies don’t HAVE manservants, duh. That would be improper,” Dust said with a shit-eating grin. “So you gotta be my manservant. You know, iron my clothes, shine my boots, all that stuff.”

“Boil your head more like,” Kazuma grumbled. “And here I thought I was supposed to be stealing a damn dragon.”

“You are, but as you are acting as a spy, you need a cover story. Posing as Dust’s manservant is the most convenient lie,” Rin assured him. 

“Well, what about Megumin? Fat chance you’ll get HER to play maid,” Kazuma pointed out. 

“Obviously, as a Crimson Demon, everyone will expect her to be my mage. It’s traditional for nobles to keep a mage of some skill at court, and none are more skilled than Crimson Demons,” Darkness explained. 

“You don’t need to puff her up that much, she’s not even here,” Kazuma complained. “Rin could do the job just fine and Megumin could be the maid.”

Rin blushed, but shook her head. “I think it’s best if I play a maid. After all, it would be odd for someone of higher rank to be sleeping with a mere servant.” 

“Oh. Ooooooo,” Kazuma said. He turned to Dust and bowed at his waist. “My lord, your boots will be polished to a mirror shine daily.” 

“That’s OK, someone else is in charge of polishing my sword,” Dust said, grinning lecherously and waggling his eyebrows. 

Darkness blushed and glanced at Rin, but she just laughed. “My lady, if you cannot be frank in front of your maid about your bedroom habits, who can you be?”

“My friend?” Darkness asked bashfully, which made Rin tear up for some reason, and then both women were crying and hugging one another.

“You know, I’ve been dating Darkness for a like a month now and I still don’t get her. Am I missing something?” Dust whispered to Kazuma. 

“You and me both pal. I still can’t figure out why Rin cares so much about putting my dirty clothes in the laundry bin,” Kazuma confided. 

“Yeah! You know, that’s the one thing Darkness bosses me around about. She always wants me to ‘take charge and manhandle her’ but the moment I leave my socks lying around or try to eat in bed I’m sleeping on the floor!” 

“Truly, you have to wonder why we ever put up with women,” Kazuma greed.

“Boobs, mostly,” Dust said wistfully, and Kazuma couldn’t help but agree. 

The journey to Brydle took ten days of long carriage rides, much of it through mostly untamed wilderness. It was disheartening to see how many villages and farmsteads had been abandoned, and Kazuma caught Darkness looking especially morose as they passed them. 

“We’ve been at war with the Devil King for too long,” Darkness said over dinner one night, brooding over a cup of wine in their pavilion. “Humanity, not just the Kingdom of Belzerg, is in retreat. We have to find a way to turn the tide.”

“We will. Me and Faitfor, we’ll help you win this kingdom back, then the whole world!” Dust said, slapping Darkness on the back. “Think of it, one day, our kids, dragon knights! As tough as you and as skilled as me!” 

“Just as long as they’re not as stupid as you,” Said Rin, pointing at Dust, “And as horny as she is,” Rin muttered pointing at Darkness.  Kazuma, sitting next to Rin, snorted soup out of his nose. The sensation  was rather unpleasant, as the soup was piping hot. 

When the carriage finally arrived at the border, it had to pass through a checkpoint. While relations between Brydle and Belzerg were amicable, the two kingdoms did still regulate commerce and check on the comings and goings of people. As they were in official royal carriages, they didn’t have to wait with the rabble but instead were shunted to a special lane for nobility. 

“Everything seems to be in order,” the captain who had obviously been roused from the barracks to deal with the VIPs said, looking over the official papers. Darkness and the others were still in the carriages, it was up to Kazuma and Rin to present their “mistress’s” paperwork. “I just need the identities of her ladyship’s retainers.” 

“Will Adventurer’s cards be acceptable?” Kazuma asked in his most obsequious tone. 

“Sure, those would be perfect,” the guard captain agreed, and Kazuma produced the cards for everyone. The captain had his man jot down Megumin, Aqua, Taylor, and Keith with no problem, along with Kazuma and Rin. However, when he came to Dust, the bookkeeper paused. 

“Uh, captain? There might be, uh, a slight issue,” the clerk said nervously, holding up the card. 

“Hmm? What’s wrong, is it a forgery?” the captain answered.

“No, sir, ah…” the clerk and the captain stepped to the side and had what they thought was a private conversation, but Kazuma’s lip reading skill gave him the skinny on the whole thing.

“Sir, this card, I recognize the name. It’s on the list of exiled individuals.”

“What? Who is it? Some Adventurer who got on a noble’s bad side?”

“No, sir, it’s, um, it’s Rein Cheruka…”

“WHAT?!” the captain exploded, then glanced nervously at Kazuma and Rin, then whirled back around, lowering his voice. “That traitor!? He was banished for high treason! We can’t just let him back in!” 

“Er, yes, but sir…he’s listed as Lady Dustiness’ fiance…”

The captain took that in for a moment, making a face. “...oh. I see.”

The captain came back over. “I’m sorry, but there seems to be a slight problem. I think I’ll need to contact my superiors. Won’t your lady recline in my private quarters in the meantime?”

“Now see here!” Rin said, pulling herself up to her full height in a fine display of temper. “My lady is a royal envoy from her Highness Princess Iris herself, in addition to being the heir of the Dustiness Dutchy! You have no right to hold her here! She is on a diplomatic mission between thrones!”

The captain grimaced but shook his head. “I’m sorry, but I simply can’t pass you through. One of her, ah, companions, is on the list of exiles, and we-”

In her finest Karen display, Rin tamped her foot and swished her tail in irritation. “Hmph! And you think a mere captain has the authority to delay a ducal heir? Lady Dustiness will be most cross if you delay her mission by even one moment! She has defeated four generals of the Devil King, and is one of the kingdom’s most powerful and celebrated knights in addition to her heritage! Do you wish to make an enemy of the House Dustiness, captain, by disparaging one of my lady’s companions?!”

The captain paled slightly, and Kazuma half wondered why he was taking this kind of lip from  a servant. Rin was just supposed to be a maid, and this captain had to be at least minor nobility based on his rank and sensitive posting. 

“I…” the captain looked pleadingly around the room, but the guards and clerk studiously avoided his eyes. “Let me…let me just send a messenger, and offer you refreshments while I-”

“My lady has plans to dine in Brydle City this evening! If her plans go awry, she will make her ire known, and it will NOT be upon my bushy tail that it shall fall, captain!” Rin declared. 

“...I offer my sincere apologies, I-I will summon the royal mage for an emergency message,” the captain assured them, then ran out of the room before Kazuma could inquire further. 

“Not bad, you really got under his skin,” Kazuma murmured to Rin as they headed back to the carriage. “Didn’t think a servant could make a captain jump that high.”

“Kazuma, I’m not just a servant. I’m Darkness’ lady’s maid. That’s the position of her supreme confidante and likely best friend. Heck, I could probably pass myself off as lesser nobility, even with the tail, and people would believe me. Being lady’s maid to a future dutchess is a very important position,” Rin laughed. 

“So…body servant to a knight is?” Kazuma asked hopefully. 

“Basically nobody, and in Dust’s case his drinking body and maybe his squire,” Rin said with a mischievous grin. “I outrank you, buster. Big time.”

“Well, I’ll just have to scrupulously follow your lead,” Kazuma said, stroking the base of Rin’s tail. She jumped a little and swatted him, but she didn’t pull his hand away.

“Not in public! Wait until later! That’s an order, mister!”

“Oh, fine,” Kazuma said as they reached the carriage. 

They relayed the news to Darkness and the others, but no one was really surprised. 

“Perhaps a demonstration of my Explosion magic will convince them to think better of hindering our cause!” Megumin said eagerly upon hearing the news. 

“Megumin, this is a diplomatic mission,” Darkness said, massaging her forehead with one hand. “Typically, giant explosions are not the best opening move of negotiations.”

“That’s because you simply haven’t tried it often enough. People are remarkably pliant after a sufficiently large explosion!” Megumin bragged. 

“No, that’s just you, Megumin. You seriously have to work on your mana reserves,” Rin told her, causing Megumin to go red in the face. So much for Rin’s hero worship of the Crimson Demon Clan. Sufficient exposure to Miss Chuuni Boom Booms seemed to have inoculated her sense of awe. 

“So, we just wait?” Kazuma asked, and Darkness grimaced and nodded. 

“Yes, as much as I’d like to force my way in and rescue Faitfore, that would be counterproductive. For now, we wait.”

Dust looked crestfallen at that, so Darkness took him into the carriage to “comfort” him, resulting in a lot of banging and yelling from the carriage. Kazuma was a bit grossed out, until he noticed the guards whispering  “Lady Dustiness’ wrath.” Apparently, there were upsides to having a masochist as your diplomat. 

Less than an hour later though, a frantic guard captain returned. “Y-you have been cleared to enter! However, we must escort you to the palace, and deliver you and the exile there immediately.” 

It was a several-hour ride to Brydle City, through rich-looking farmland and various tidy villages. The countryside here looked gentler and less dangerous, though Kazuma figured that meant something especially nasty was hiding in plain sight. He’d been bamboozled by this world often enough to know that if it looked peaceful, it was winding up for a sucker punch. 

Much like the capital of Belzerg (creatively named Belzerg), Brydle City was a fortress city. However, unlike Belzerg (the capital and country) Brydle (both) wasn’t under siege. The forts didn’t look disused and the gates were manned and guarded, but there were no signs of any recent attacks in the form of torn-up earth, recent repairs, or funeral processions.

The other major difference was the presence of the enormous white dragons, mounted by knights, that were in the skies and roosting on the main walls of the city. Kazuma didn’t have much experience with dragons, and he frankly would have preferred to keep things that way.  Especially the variety that thought he would be good with soy sauce. 

“So, uh, Faitfore is one of those?” Kazuma asked, pointing out the carriage window to one of the dragons that was drowsing above the city gates. 

“No, none of those are Faitfore, she’s much cuter than they are,” Dust informed him confidently. Kazuma frowned at the dragons, then shrugged. He wouldn’t have called them cute, nor could he tell the difference between any of them, but he supposed Dust knew what he was talking about. Hopefully.

They proceeded through the city with their escort, passing buildings that were of a significantly different make than the whitewashed wooden buildings with thatched roofs of Belzerg. These were made of red brick, with tiled roofs. The roads too were cobbled instead of using paving stones, The dress was slightly different as well, and people’s accents sounded rather strange to Kazuma, though he could still understand them. 

The palace of Brydle was itself more of a resplendent manor than a heavily fortified castle, though it did have tall towers that seemed to be roosts for the dragons that ringed it on nine points. When they reached the entrance, there were four dragons present along with their riders, as well as various foot soldiers in royal livery. All their garb looked a lot more ceremonial than functional, another contrast to the more functional and austere armor  favored by Belzergian knights. 

Still, the soldiers looked grim-faced, and the dragons were terrifyingly powerful. They all glared at Dust as he dismounted the carriage, though they saluted at the shout of one of the officers.

“Welcome, Lady Lalatina Ford Dustiness, Royal Ambassador of Belzerg, and her fiance…Dust.”

The glares at Dust didn’t subside, so everyone clearly knew exactly who he was. Still, they were allowed to make their way up the steps, even as Megumin grumbled, “They didn’t even announce the Foremost Genius of the Crimson Demon Clan, and Mistress of Explosion Magic!” 

“I’m sure it’s just ignorance, they clearly don’t realize that you’ve slain multiple generals of the Devil King, or that you’re the mightiest mage to ever visit their court,” Taylor consoled her, and Kazuma swore she grew five centimeters as she strutted up the steps. 

If they weren’t married in a year like Rin had said, Megumin was off her game. Kazuma couldn’t even tell if Taylor feeding her ego like that on purpose. The clod actually seemed to think her meme build was impressive instead of a joke. 

They were led not into a massive audience chamber, but instead a far more intimate setting  that was the size of a large dining room. While there was a throne up on a slightly raised dais it sat empty, with a woman seated upon a finely carved chair that caused Kazuma to do a double take. Though her hair was blonde and her chest was several sizes larger, the woman on the dais could have been Rin’s sister for how closely she resembled Kazuma’s girlfriend. Rin herself let out a startled gasp, and the woman frowned at her. 

“Well, I guess I should be flattered that you couldn’t just replace me with a duchess, you had to go and find a doppelganger of me too,” Leonore sniffed, leaning back and sulking in her chair. “”You could at least not rub it in my face, bringing your new girlfriend is bad enough, Rein. But you had to bring your mistress as well. And here I thought we had something special. But this is just hurtful.”

“Huh?” Dust looked completely baffled, and clearly taken aback. “But, Leonore, this isn’t like that! I mean, this isn’t about you at all it’s-”

“No?” Leonore got up off her chair, causing a groan from the balding greyhaired man at her side.

“Your Highness…”

“Don’t you ‘you’re Highness’ me, Damien. This isn’t business, it’s personal,” Leonore huffed, coming down off the dias to fold her arms in front of Rin. Her expression tightened. “Well, are you at least taking good care of him?”

Hastily curtseying, Rin stammered, “I, um, I-”

“Hey, she’s with me,” Kazuma said, putting himself between Rin and the princess. “I think you’ve got the wrong idea here, Princess.”

Leonore looked Kazuma over once, then looked at Darkness. “Well, are you letting your man have a side piece? I’d always thought one of the benefits of your system was the women didn’t have to let their men sleep with every serving girl that caught their eye.”

“Rein is my fiance. Rin is my lady in waiting. Ah, we do not…that is, she is attached to Dust, er, Rein’s manservant. W-while I do not mind that sort of embarrassment normally, I won’t tolerate you casting aspersions on my servants, nor my intended!” Darkness declared firmly.

Leonore peered at the cringing Rin over Kazuma’s shoulder again, then shrugged and flounced back to her seat. “Hmph. Fine. I guess congratulations are in order. Though you could have just sent a letter. Seriously, Rein, do you have any idea how much trouble you could have been in? You’re real lucky my dad and brothers are off on a ‘state visit’ to El Road, which means they’re gambling and whoring to their heart’s content and sticking me with all the work.” 

“P-Princess!” Damien the counselor protested. 

“What? They are,” Leonore sniffed. “You know it, everyone else knows it. The only reason I’m not along is that, if I got caught sleeping with a prostitute, I’d be a national embarrassment all over again instead of just creating another bastard that everyone sweeps under the rug.”

“So, uh…you’re not going to execute me?” Dust asked hopefully as Damien made an obvious pray to Eris for patience and mercy. 

Leonore rolled her eyes. “Please. We couldn’t do that even if we wanted to, and since I’m in charge at the moment ‘we’ means ‘me.’ I might be pissed at you that you saddled me with a scarlet letter despite never actually sealing the deal.  Which I really regret now mostly because I got the blame with none of the fun, but I loved you, Rein. I’d never kill you for being the only person who ever showed me a good time.”

Damien groaned again, burying his head in his hands openly now. Kazuma had the feeling they had a lot of the same experiences riding herd on unmanageable women. 

“You…you loved me?” Rein said, his voice sounding hoarse. Then he shook his head and slapped his cheeks. “I’m sorry! But my heart belongs to Darkness, now! Uh, I mean, Lady Dustiness. I just…I came to clear my name, and…er…say goodbye…”

Leonore’s expression softened, and she sighed, leaning back in her chair. “I’d pardon you if I could, Rein. You never committed any crime, more’s the pity. But unfortunately, if I did pardon you, it would just confirm in everyone’s mind that I did sleep with you. If only I’d been born a man and you a blushing maiden. Then we could have had some real fun, and no one would have given a shit.”

Nearly everyone in the room cringed at Leonore’s language, but Darkness pressed on. 

“So what is to be done then? I came seeking your blessing, that I might not sour relations between our two nations. Indeed, I bear a royal letter from her Highness, Iris Stylish Sword Belzerg, begging you grant Sir Cheruka a pardon, that he might be restored to his title, and be able to wed me,” Darkness said, holding forth a fancy-looking bit of parchment, bearing Iris’ royal seal.

Daimen took it from her and handed the letter over to Leonore, who carelessly broke the seal and opened the letter. She scanned through it, then handed it over to Damien. “You know what, sure. Damien, draft the document for me to sign and announce tomorrow. No reason that everyone has to be as miserable as I am. We’ll restore ‘Dust’ here to full knighthood. At least then that little girl in Belzerg will owe me a favor.”

Kazuma bristled at hearing Iris called a ‘little girl.’ Sure, his sis was a little girl, but this Leonore was really rubbing him the wrong way. Even if she was playing right into their hands. 

“Thank you, your Highness,” Darkness said, immediately bowing. “House Dustiness will owe you a favor as well, and we do not forget our debts.”

“Oh, I imagine so,” Leonore said, but she wasn’t looking at Darkness, but rather Rin, her eyes sparkling. “Don’t think I’ll make this easy on you. We’ll have a private talk, just you, me, Dust, and your lady-in-waiting. I’m not doing this for free. And I’m going to make you squirm a little. I’m going to get something out of this if it kills me.” 

Then she looked at Kazuma and licked her lips, and he felt his stomach sink. Whatever Leonore planned, he was fairly certain it was going to cause him a major headache. 

They agreed upon an early morning meeting the next day, and Leonore ordered that the castle’s finest guest quarters be prepared for Darkness and her companions. 

“Come on, Keith! Let’s go find their booze!” Aqua declared, grabbing her newest bud by the hand and dragging him away from the room the moment their bags were tossed in the corner. 

“Uh, I don’t know, Aqua, maybe we shouldn’t-” Keith began, but she cut him off with, 

“And find you a cute girlfriend while we’re at it! Everyone else is getting laid, you should too! That way, you can make me lots of new followers, and I’ll have someone to hang out with when you die!” Aqua said brightly. 

“Cute girl? Say no more!” Keith agreed eagerly as he let himself be dragged out the door. “Wait, what was that last bit?” 

“Come on, Megumin, I think we can find a good spot for your metabolically necessary Explosion,” Taylor said, picking up her staff and hat. “I wouldn’t want you to become ill.”

Megumin beamed at him. “Indeed! We will make these pathetic outlanders fear the true mystic might of the Crimson Demon Clan!”

“Er, shouldn’t you ask permission first?” Rin said.

Taylor shook his head. “Better to ask forgiveness. Besides, we can be discreet.”

Kazuma had never seen Megumin be anything he’d call discreet, except perhaps for her obvious affection for Yunyun, but the two of them headed out before he or Rin could try to talk them out of it. 

“I won’t be, ah, requiring your services this evening,” Darkness told Rin. “Come, Dust. I think we should retire early.”

“Really? I was going to show you around town, maybe visit some of my old haunts, introduce you to my favorite taverns! Then we could look for Faitfor!” Dust said, clearly missing the implication. 

Blushing, Darkness coughed. “W-well, you are still not welcome here, and we, ah, have not had any private time together since our journey began, and I am feeling most…pent up.”

“No worries, we’ll go in disguise! No one will recognize us,” Dust promised. “I’ll take you to my favorite tavern, and we can get a room there! It’s a lot more relaxing than these digs.”

“Y-you would take me to a dive bar, where all sorts of rough men and lewd women are to be found?!” Darkness gasped. 

“Uh, I mean, yeah? You enjoy those kinds of things, don’t you?” Dust said, rubbing the back of his neck in confusion.

“Would you flirt with the barmaids in front of me, and try to peek up their skirts?!” Darkness demanded, going right to Dust and grabbing him by the shoulders. 

Dust nodded. “I mean, I’d look, but not touch! You can’t blame a man for having eyes, right?” 

“We must go at once! Come, we shall use these old cloaks and our adventuring garb, none will know us!” Darkness declared, and a few moments later, they snuck out the servants’ entrance in their grimy old clothing. 

That left Kazuma and Rin all alone in a very swanky set of rooms. They were even nicer than the guest quarters in the Belzerg palace, that being more of a converted fortress built for defense first and comfort a distant third behind the practical running of a country. 

“Wow, it’s even got a built-in bath,” Kazuma said, peeking into the bathroom. “It’s the size of a hot tub too.”

“Well then, my lord, what say we clean off from our journey,” Rin said, walking past Kazuma. She coyly turned her back to him and grinned. “Help me out of my dress? These buttons are a pain.”

It felt like it took forever for Kazuma’s damnably clumsy fingers to get Rin out of her gown. After that, she helped him out of his clothes, and they stood at the edge of the bath as the water ran into it, sharing a passionate kiss. 

“So, what did you think of the princess?” Rin asked when they parted.

Kazuma’s mind took a minute to catch up, then he shrugged while blushing. “I mean, she has your face, but her personality would be enough to turn off anyone. I think I got the better deal.”

“Hmm, good answer. I guess I will let you wash my back,” Rin laughed, then made to slide into the water. 

“Wait! You gotta rinse off first,” Kazuma told her. “Otherwise you’ll get the bathwater all dirty.”

Rin blinked at him in bemusement. “Uh, that’s sort of the point of a bath, isn’t it?”

“Not if you’re going to do it properly,” Kazuma told her, then grabbed her and tickled her a bit, making her squeal in delight. “Now come here, I’m going to scrub you off.”

Rin let Kazuma splash a bucket of cold water over her, though she gasped and shuddered when he did. “Ack! That’s freezing!”

“Yeah, you get cold first, then let the warm water heat you up,” Kazuma told her, taking a washcloth and some soap. “Now, let me have my way with you…”

He rather enjoyed scrubbing Rin’s lean body clean, pulling her onto his lap as he did so. She let him handle her, moaning as he pinched at her nipples, then groaning when he began to massage between her legs. “Hmm, you are a dirty girl, I’ll have to take extra care to get you nice and clean.”

“P-pull my tail while you do it,” Rin hissed, then arched her back and cried out when he did so. “Ah! Yes, just like that! Not too fast…”

With one hand stroking the base of Rin’s tail and two fingers inserted between her legs, Kazuma kept up a steady rhythm, his lips locked to Rin’s. After a few minutes, she groaned and shuddered, and he lay her down on the bath mat as she panted and blushed up at him. 

“You’re going to make a mess of me,” Rin sighed, guiding Kazuma into her. 

“Well, it’s a good thing the bath is, hrn, rightthere,” Kazuma grunted as Rin began to grind against him. She wrapped her tail and legs about his body hungrily as he lay atop her, twining her fingers in his damp hair and pulling him against herself roughly.

“Well, I’ll try not to spill any,” she moaned. “Come on, Kazuma. Hmmm. Yesssss. Gods, I love you!”

“Rin! I…I love you!” Kazuma gasped, then spent himself inside of her, thrusting as deeply as he could.

After that, he washed her off again, then made to get into the bath with her. 

“Not so fast, it’s my turn now,” Rin told him, holding on to his hand and guiding him to sit on the floor. She grabbed a bucket of cold water, and it was Kazuma’s turn to gasp and splutter as she upended it over his head. 

“They say a cold bath in the morning builds passion. Let’s just see about that,” Rin giggled and began her own ministrations with washcloth and soap. It took a few minutes, but Kazuma was still young, and before long he rose to the occasion again. 

“My, my, what’s this? I’ll have to get you extra clean,” Rin laughed, then got her on knees, before wrapping her lips around Kazuma’s shaft and sucking so hard he nearly exploded right then and there.

“You…you’re so beautiful,” Kazuma said, feeling dizzy as he mussed Rin’s hair, moving his fingers through the sodden strands. Her emerald eyes met his, sparkling as she continued her work. He groaned and lay back, letting her suck greedily for nearly a minute.

“I…I think I’m going to,” he gasped as he felt the pleasure reach a crescendo.

“Oh no you don’t,” Rin said, letting him go. Kazuma felt a moment of panic, until she straddled him, squatting atop him and pumping up and down. She only managed it twice before Kazuma couldn’t hold it anymore, gripping her by the waist and pulling her down hard as he spent himself again.

She collapsed atop him, and they lay in the steam for several minutes, gasping and cradling one another. 

“Well, are we clean enough to take a bath now,” Rin giggled, sitting up and nodding towards the water.

“Yeah, I think so,” Kazuma agreed, then suddenly stood, grabbing Rin a bridal carry. She screamed in delight, then in horror as Kazuam took two steps and jumped into the bath with a mighty splash, sending hot water and soap everywhere.

“You jerk, you nearly drowned me!” Rin sputtered, coming up laughing when they surfaced. The water was shallow, only up to their waists, but the pool was wide enough for both of them to stretch out. They sat together, heads resting against one another, arms wrapped about each other as they soaked in the warm water.

“You know, they never make these baths hot enough for me,” Kazuma sighed after a few minutes. “Back in Japan, they have it nearly boiling.”

“Hmm, this is hot enough for me. And so are you,” Rin said, then nibbled at Kazuma’s ear which made him shout. “He he. Though don’t forget, we’re the servants. We’ll have to clean all this up.”

“Oh, don’t worry about that. I can have someone else come clean this up later.”

Rin screamed and Kazuma shouted, both of them leaping to their feet and spinning about to find a very naked sitting on the rim of the bathtub, her feet splashing in the water as she grinned at thim.

“P-Princess! What are you-” Rin stammered, but Kazuma yelled,

“You bitch, what are you doing here!? Didn’t your parents teach you that it’s rude to sneak in on people in the bath?!”

“Aw, but the two of you were so cute, I couldn’t help but want to join you,” Leonore laughed then slid into the water without even a towel to preserve the semblance of modesty. 

“Yeah, no. Occupied. Get out,” Kazuma said, grabbing for a towel for Rin as she desperately tried to hide her breasts with her arms.

“Oh come on. I look just like her! You can’t have never thought about what it would be like to have a pair of twins,” Leonore said, batting her eyes at Kazuma. 

He hesitated, but Rin didn’t. She hopped into the bath, then splashed over to loom over Leonore. The princess grinned up at her, until Rin slapped her sharply across the face. 

“He is my boyfriend, and I don’t share! I don’t know what sort of twisted stuff you nobles get up to, or, well, I have a pretty good idea now thanks to Darkness, but even she wouldn’t share her man with another woman!”

“Don’t be so sure,” Leonore muttered, wiping away a bit of blood from the corner of her mouth. She still didn’t rise though. “Fine. Just, sit down. I won’t try to fuck your man. But I’ll see if that Dustiness woman is as randy as they say. You’ve got an Axis Priestess with you, and everyone knows that Belzerg nobles are depraved enough.”

“Darkness would kick your ass,” Kazuma said, coming over to stand beside Rin. “And frankly, Rin’s more than enough woman for me.”

“Fine, fine, you’re both very virtuous. Now will you sit down? I just want to talk,” Leonore said.

Kazuma shared a look with Rin, who shrugged helplessly. “I mean, I already slapped her. That’s probably worth the death penalty, and if she screams…we’re two servants with their princess. It wouldn’t be her that gets in trouble.”

“Ha ha, you really are too smart for Rein! Now, are you going to do what I say, or do I have to pull the rank card?”

Flustered, Kazuma sat across the bath from Leonore, with Rin possessively putting her tail over his groin under the water. It tickled, and if Kazuma wasn’t careful, he’d find himself rather aroused by the situation. Having a threesome with Rin and her busty blonde twin actually did sound like a good time, even if he was pretty sure it was a horrible idea all around. Good thing they’d had two rounds, or he might have done something really stupid.

“Better. Now, what is the famous Kazuma Sato, slayer of what is it now, four generals? Five? Eh, I count the Destroyer, let’s call it five, and my doppelganger doing here?” Leonore said once they were settled. “Planning on kidnapping and replacing me with her? You’d have to pad her chest and hide the tail, but it could work.”

“You, uh, know who I am?” Kazuma asked, feeling rather nervous.

“We’re not, what are you, insane?!” Rin spluttered. 

Leonore sighed. “Pity. I’d have helped you bundle me off if you were. Sounds like a hoot. Oh well. So why are you really here? Belzerg doesn’t have the fixation with noble blood that most countries do, and Rein’s a good enough fighter that they’d knight him just for asking and thank him for it with how desperate they are for high level warriors.”

“Uh,” Rin and Kazuma exchanged looks. “We, uh, we didn’t know that I looked so much like you, honestly. You’d think Dust, er, Rein, would mention it, but all that man has between his ears is rocks.”

“Better question is why you’re here. Surely someone had to notice you coming in here. They don’t let Iris go anywhere without at least the Suit and Rain, so there’s no way people don’t know you’re in here,” Kazuma said, glaring at Leonore.

“Oh, they do, they do. They probably figure I’m having a threesome or an orgy or whatever debauched nonsense they’d believe about a Belzergian high noble,” Leonore said with a shrug. “And honestly? Sort of disappointed we’re not having one. Offer’s open!”

“Uh, pass,” Kazuma said as Rin sucked in an outraged breath. “But, er, isn’t that like…bad for you?”

“Despite the fact of my unfortunately intact maidenhead, everyone believes I’ve already sullied myself. And since I’m not a male, notches on my bedpost make me a pariah instead of scoring me points with the boys,” Leonore said, making a face. 

Rin shook her head slowly. “So, you and Dust, you never…?”

“No, despite my best efforts. Did you? How is he in bed?” Leonore asked curiously. 

“N-no! I’m no virgin, uh, obviously, but, um…well honestly I just ended up sleeping with Kazuma first, and frankly, I think I got the better end of the bargain. Kazuma’s cuter, and he’s hung like a horse. Darkness didn’t know what she was throwing away,” Rin said, rubbing Kazuma’s back and stroking his ego so hard he nearly popped another stiffy.

“You common women are so lucky,” Leonore moaned, throwing her head back and emphasizing her breasts, which really were quite perky and large. Kazuma didn’t mind Rin’s smaller size, he rather liked them, but boobs were boobs. “You can sleep with any man you want, and no one gives a shit. I get one guy to take me on a joyride and everyone acts like I have the clap.”

Kazuma averted his eyes, as Rin’s tail was starting to bristle. “You, uh, have an interesting vocabulary for a princess.”

“And some real wrong ideas. I get called a skank and a slut all the time. Hell, I’m barely only mostly over being called a gold digger for shacking up with Kazuma,” Rin said, her nails digging painful furrows across Kazuma’s chest as she pressed herself against him. The pain and feel of her nipples on him reminded Kazuma that a boob in the hand was way better than getting murdered for sticking it in another bush. 

“Eh, at least you’re not a national embarrassment,” Leonore said, and mercifully lowered herself back down. She frowned at Rin. “Let me guess: this is about Faitfore. Dust was always more in love with that stupid dragon than he was with me.”

Kazuma and Rin both fell silent, locking desperate eyes. How had she figured it out?!

“By your reaction, I assume I’m right. Hmm. That is a problem. I could get away with pardoning Rein for the price of what remains of my dignity, and honestly, who gives a flying fuck about that? But giving away a high dragon? That’s a problem,” Leonore said, shaking her head slowly. “Please tell me that that muscle-headed moron and her boy toy aren’t out trying to steal Faitifor away right now.”

“Uh…” Kazuma trailed off, and Rin cleared her throat.

“Actually, um, that was supposed to be our job…” Rin admitted. 

“Well, you needn’t bother, she’s not in the city. She’s been so distraught over the loss of her rider that she’s been taken away to a special preserve where we put dragons that aren’t fit for service and need to recover,” Leonore told them. She frowned again, then grinned. “It does give me an idea though. What if I told you there was a way for you to get Faitfore, for just a small little price?”

“If it’s having a threesome with you, um, I-I don’t think we can do that,” Kazuma said, glancing at Rin.

“Absolutely not! Though, er…you might be right about Darkness being open to the idea…” Rin admitted. “Careful though. She’s equally likely to pop your head off like a melon. I’ve seen her snap a Bane’s neck like it was a newborn kitten.”

“Ha ha! Hmm, I should have asked for that. But no, I have another idea,” Leonore leaned forward, her eyes sparkling mischievously. “How’d you like to be Princess for a day?”

Chapter Text

Kazuma looked at the two women before him, and felt slightly dizzy. One was the very image of a royal princess, dressed in green dress with creamy white stockings, a small circlet of silver inlaid with pearls on her head. The other was a scruffy-looking but very attractive adventurer with her hair pulled back in a ponytail, a bushy tail poking out above her skirt. Their faces were so similar they could have been sisters, maybe even twins. 

“I don’t know which one of you to kiss and which to slap,” Kazuma muttered, rubbing the back of his head sheepishly. Rin glared at him, while Leonor giggled and winked. 

“See, I told you. Not even your boyfriend can tell the difference between us,” Leonor laughed, waggling her eyebrows at Kazuma. 

Flustered, Kazuma raised his hands. “I can, it’s just…dressed in one another’s clothes… it’s a little off-putting, OK!? What, were the two of you separated at birth or something?”

“Honestly, it’s hard to be that mad at you,” Rin said with a sigh. “When I looked in the mirror, with my hair dyed like this? I didn’t recognize myself.”

“I had to do a double take when I saw you. You’re seriously my spitting image,” Leonore said, rubbing her hands together eagerly. “Now, you’ll stick with the plan, right?”

“I mean, we’ll try, but do you really think any of your advisors will think I’m you?” Rin asked, looking down at herself. “What if my tail pops out at the wrong moment?”

“Tell them it’s your new kink and then insult their intelligence and they’ll just go with it,” Leonore laughed. “Seriously, they’re all so thick-witted that as long as you’re a raging bitch to them they won’t even notice you don’t sound like me at all.”

Kazuma had to disagree. When Leonore dropped the princess act, she sounded exactly like Rin to his ears. It was actually rather eerie. 

“You seriously expect me to just…walk out there and tell everyone I’m the princess?” Rin demanded, planting her hands on her hips and glaring at her doppelganger. “There’s no way that will work! No one will believe it for even a moment! The first person to walk through that door will say-”

As if on cue, the door slammed open, and Taylor strode into the room with Megumin on his back. “Hey Kazuma, hey Rin, we found a good place to let off an Explosion and- Oh! Your Highness! Uh, I mean, Megumin and I were just, uh, just…”

“Vanquishing the forces of evil through the use of the most glorious spell of all!” Megumin said somewhat sleepily. 

“Oh, hello there, Taylor and Megumin,” Leonore said, waving cheerily. “Her Highness was just being a brat, as usual, and wanted to find out how Dust was in the sack. Can you believe she thought I’d slept with him? Ugh, gross.” 

“Wait, really? Why’d she think you would sleep with Dust, Rin?” Taylor said, then flushed. “I mean, uh, Rin is just a commoner. Your Highness.”

“Well, I can’t be the only one with such fantastic taste in men, now can I?” Rin said, frowning at Taylor. “Don’t you recognize me?”

“Of course, your highness. Uh, Megumin and I were just going to bed. Goodnight,” Taylor said, shooting Kazuma a look before hastily extricating himself and his passenger to one of the smaller side rooms.

“See?” Leonore said smugly, turning to Kazuma and Rin, her fake tail swishing back and forth mischievously. 

“That doesn’t prove anything. Megumin was half asleep, and Taylor isn’t exactly famous for his observational skills,”  Rin sniffed. 

“Yeah, and they were just here for a few seconds. Be a lot harder to pull it off if we’d said more than a sentence or two,” Kazuma agreed. 

Rolling her eyes, Leonore gestured to the door. “Fine then. Call for a servant to do something. It doesn’t matter who, they all know me.”

“And I’m sure they’ll see right through it and say nothing because they’re terrified of what you would do if they called your bluff,” Rin pointed out.

Leonore shrugged. “Fine then. Call for Minister Damien. He’s known me since I was in my mother’s womb, and he’s never had time for my games, the stuffy old fart.”

“At last, a sensible adult,” Rin sniffed, and opened the door, poking her head out. “Excuse me? Yes, you, soldier. Will you stop bowing and just listen? Thank you. Go find Minister Damien and ask him to please attend the Princess in the guest quarters at his earliest possible convenience. Did you not understand me? Well, you’re looking at me like I’ve grown a second head! Yes, his earliest convenience. Thank you, guardsman. Wait! What’s your name? Emmet? Thank you, Guardsman Emmet.”

Rin closed the door and smirked at Leonore, who was looking bored by this point. “He noticed something was wrong right away. There’s no possibility this succeeds.”

“That’s because you asked nicely. You’re the princess. You don’t ask, you just tell,” Leonore said with a sigh. 

“Maybe you do, but some of us were brought up the right way,” Rin sniffed, then flushed. “Er, I mean-”

Leonore laughed and waved her hand dismissively. “Oh no, that’s exactly the right sort of energy. You come at him with that attitude and he’ll definitely think you’re me!” 

That comment made Rin stew in silence for the next several minutes, until there was a knock at the door, followed by Emmet the guard opening it. “Your Highness? Lord Damien is here, as requested.”

The balding older man stepped into the room, red in the face and puffing slightly. By his expression, he’d run all the way here. “Your Highness…what, exactly, is the matter?”

“Nothing,” Rin said, folding her arms over her (very padded) chest and sniffing. “I just need you to confirm something for me.”

Sighing and mopping his brow, Damien nodded. “And what might that be, your Highness?”

“She doesn’t believe you know the royal person very well,” Rin said, gesturing to Leonore, who smiled guilelessly at Damien. 

“I apologize, my lord,” Leonore said, bowing deeply. “I simply couldn’t believe that the king would run off and leave a princess in charge. I thought surely you must be the one really in charge. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have argued with the Princess when she was having a fit of pique.”

Looking disgruntled, Damien turned to Rin, who was glaring sourly at the disguised princess. “Your Highness…”

“Oh come on, don’t you notice anything different! You supposedly raised ‘me’, so how can you not even tell?!” Rin demanded angrily. 

Damien looked at Rin nonplussed, then bowed. “I am sorry, Your Highness, but I am very busy. If this is about your new earrings, they look lovely.”

“Oh, fine, get out of here!” Rin snapped, and Damien hastily departed. 

Leonore beamed happily. “Well?” 

“Well…I guess it will work. For a day or two, maybe,” Rin said, glancing at Kazuma. 

“Just grouch at people and be a general bitch and no one will notice a thing most likely,” Kazuma said with a shrug. Rin snorted a laugh, and Leonore nodded. 

“Now you’re getting it! But, the deal is two weeks. You give me two weeks of freedom, and I’ll make sure Dust gets back Faitfore. Understand?”

“Can we really do two weeks? Won’t they execute us if they notice?” Rin said, looking pleadingly to Kazuma. 

“It’s up to you, Rin. I’m not the one who will have to do all the fooling,” Kazuma said with a shake of his head. “But this does seem to be the best way to rescue Dust’s dragon.”

Rin let out a long sigh. “Alright. I’ll do it. But you’ve gotta get me out of here if something goes really wrong.”

“Oh relax, nothing will go wrong. My dad and brothers aren’t due back for another month. If things get dicey, pitch a fit and lock yourself in your rooms until they bring you some expensive and rare items to soothe your ruffled ego. Heck, if you really want to make them walk on eggshells, sleep with your boyfriend a few times. They probably already think I had a tryst with him and that’s why he’s sticking around anyway.” 

Kazuma and Rin both looked embarrassed at that. “Uh, won’t you get in troubled for that when your dad gets back?” Kazuma asked. 

“Meh. I’m planning on getting laid during my getaway, so it’s not like they won’t have actual cause,” Leonore said with a shrug. “Everyone has assumed I’m a slut for years, so I figure it’s time to start acting like one.” 

“...right,” Rin said with a sigh. “Well, try not to tarnish my reputation too much…though admittedly, it can’t get much lower now that everyone knows I’m sleeping with Kazuma.”

Kazuma would have been more offended if it wasn’t so true. 

“I’ll see what I can do,” Leonore said, a mischievous sparkle in her eyes. 

A short time later, the door opened again to admit Dust, Darkness, Aqua, and Keith all in a group. All of them looked much the worse for wear, save Aqua, who despite reeking of cheap booze was as bright-eyed and bushy-tailed as Rin after a good rest. 

“Oh, Leonore, you’re here,” Dust said, smiling at Rin awkwardly. “Uh, good morning I guess. Darkness and I pretty beat, so, uh, we don’t have time to talk now.”

“That’s alright Dust, her royal pain in the backside was just leaving,” Leonore said with a meaningful look at Rin. 

“Rin,” Darkness said, sounding weary but trying to put a good face on things. “We are guests of her Highness.”

“Darkness, it’s fine, but I need to tell you something. Probably Dust too,” Rin said.

“Certainly, your Highness,” Darkness said, smiling gamely. “If this is about Faitfore…”

“It is,” Rin agreed, “But I’m not-”

“Well, I don’t think Kazuma and I need to be here,” Leonore said, taking Kazuma’s arm. “Time for us to have our own party!”

“Yeah, I’m going to hit the hay as well,” Keith said with a yawn. “Come on, Aqua, that was quite the night, especially with you as my wingwoman. You’re not half bad.”

“I told you I was the best! But hold on, why is Leonore with Kazuma? And why is Rin dressed like a princess?” Aqua asked.

There was an awkward silence, and Rin turned to Leonore. “I told you.”

“Aqua, don’t insult her Highness,” Darkness said with a heavy sigh. “She and Rin look similar, but you’ve just had too much to drink.”

“Hey! I’m totally sober! Well, mostly,” Aqua said, frowning at Rin and Leonore. “Can’t you guys tell?”

“I’m flattered, but you must be mistaken. Surely you can see how much bigger her boobs are and the tail,” Leonore laughed, putting her hands on her chest, which they’d had to tightly bind. 

“I know pads when I see them,” Aqua said with a smirk. “It’s a dead giveaway.”

“Uh, you know…they do look…did you swap?” Dust asked, looking confused. 

“What do you think?” Rin demanded, glaring at Dust.

He immediately wilted. “Sorry, Leonore! I’m tired, that’s all. Aqua’s just joking I’m sure.”

“I am not!” Aqua huffed, stamping her foot. “They switched!” 

“Keep it down. That’s what we have to talk about,” Kazuma hissed. “Look. Here’s the plan…”

Kazuma quickly laid things out, causing Aqua’s smugness levels to reach new heights, and Dust to cry tears of relief.

“Thank you both,” Dust sniffed as Darkness hugged the weeping knight. “I…I really appreciate it. To finally save Faitfore, to know she’s OK…it means everything to me.”

“Don’t mention it,” Leonore laughed. “It’s a vacation for me! And Rin gets to be royalty for a fortnight. It’s Win-Win!” 

“You two will stay with us,” Kazuma said, nodding to Darkness and Dust. “Keith, you, Taylor, Megumin, and Aqua will keep an eye on Leonore. Don’t let her get into too much trouble.”

“But don’t tell Taylor and Megumin. It’ll be more fun if they have to figure it out themselves. I wanna see how long I can keep them going!” Leonore giggled. 

“Hehe, that does sound fun!” Aqua agreed.

Keith mostly just looked exhausted. “Uh, sure. But I mean… I won’t get in trouble for less majesty or whatever if I mouth off to her or stare at her ass for too long, right?” 

“It’s lèse-majesté, and I think that will have to be one of the ground rules,” Darkness said, eyeing Leonore suspiciously. 

“Perish the thought! In fact, if you ask nicely, I might even let you slap the royal ass,” Leonore teased, turning her rear towards him and swishing her tail.

Keith looked at her face, then her rear end, then, without warning, he did slap her ass, making everyone else gasp in shock (except for Aqua) and Leonore let out a startled cry. 

“Oh! Oh, you…you actually did it,” Leonore said somewhat breathlessly. 

“I’ve always wanted to slap Rin’s ass, but I figured she’d fireball me if I tried,” Keith mused. “Seemed like a good opportunity. Say, how’d you get the tail to work?”

“It’s…it’s enchanted. I know Advanced Magic,” Leonore said, blinking a few times. 

“Oh. Uh, so you know fireball too then?” Keith swallowed and turned to Aqua. “Res me when I die, OK? I know you’ve done it before.”

“I’m not going to kill you for that,” Leonore laughed, then grabbed Keith’s hand. “In fact, you seem like just the sort of guy I was looking for! Come on! Let’s go have some fun today and leave tomorrow!”

Despite having looked on death’s doorstep a moment later, Keith brightened immediately. “Well, OK! Come on, Aqua! We’ve got a princess to corrupt!” 

“Hey, as a goddess, I purify things, not corrupt them. But have you ever considered joining the Axis Cult?” Aqua asked as they headed for the door. 

“You know, I never have. Sell me on it!” Leonore said as they headed out.

“You, uh, think they’ll be alright?” Kazuma asked plaintively as the door shut. 

“No, but Aqua can bring them back if they die, so there’s that,” Rin sighed. “Well…now I guess I have to see if I can get through one day as a princess.”

Steeling themselves, Kazuma and Rin exited the visitors' suite. A moment later, two guards fell into step behind them, looking fairly bored. Rin glanced nervously at them, and both guards saluted. 

“Princess,” the older of the pair said, saluting again. 

“Er…” Rin glanced at Kazuma, then straightened her back and cleared her throat. “Take us to my quarters at once! And summon Minister Damien again. Uh, the old fart.”

“Yes, Princess,” the guard said, wincing at having to once more interrupt the minister’s day. The two guards quickly played rock paper scissors, with the winner taking Rin and Kazuma to Leonore’s chambers, while the loser went to find the ever-harried Damien. 

Leonore’s chambers were as opulent as Kazuma expected, and even more frilly and girly than Iris’ rooms were. There was lace, and ornate wall hangings with pictures of flowers and beautiful maidens everywhere, along with everything in gold and green, her preferred colors. There was even a full garden with a fountain full of goldfish, with fruit trees and blossoming flowers that had to be carefully tended by a horde of gardeners. 

For the moment, Rin just went over to Leonore’s desk and began rifling through her papers. “Hair stylist appointments, manicure appointments, daily rides, minstrels, having her portrait done…where’s all the important stuff?” Rin muttered, paging through things. “Has she responded to any of these letters from her father and brothers? They’re all about playing in the El Road casino, so maybe not, but you’d think she’d at least reply to a few of them…”

Kazuma began sorting through Leonore’s letters as well. All of it was for various beauty routines or types of entertainment. There were letters from her father and brothers, but also various requests and correspondence that Leonore shoved into a wadded pile in the corner of the desk, apparently without replying to one of them. 

“Ugh, she’s saddled me with all kinds of work, I should have known,” Rin muttered, looking through the letters. 

There was a knock, and a moment later, Damien entered. He paused on seeing Kazuma, his eyes narrowing. “Leonore. A man in your chambers? A foreign man?”

“Get used to it, I stole him fair and square,” Rin said, looking up from the letters. “Lord Damien, where is my daily schedule?”

Damien opened his mouth to argue, then paused, his head tilting to one side. “Your…daily schedule?” 

“Yes, my daily schedule. Not just my beauty routines, though I want a list of those compiled, this place is a mess and I’ve let it go for far too long, but the more important things. Where are the lists of petitioners, the reports on military readiness, the…the palace reports! Have you been hiding them from me?” Rin asked suspiciously, 

“Uh, no, I haven’t, your highness, you simply…what has brought this on?” Damien asked, his brow furrowing in sudden suspicion as his eyes darted to Kazuma. “Did he put you up to this?” 

“Hey, I’m Japanese, not Belzergian,” Kazuma said, raising his hands. “I’m just here to, uh, give advice.”

On hearing ‘Japanese’, Damien suddenly brightened. “Oh, you’re a summoned hero from another world then? What is your Divine Blessing?” 

“You don’t want to know,” Kazuma said, thinking that Aqua was probably with Keith and Leonore in some dive bar at that very moment. “It’s a pain in the ass, but it can be pretty powerful.”

“Hmm,” Damien turned to Rin, his brow still furrowed. 

Thinking quickly, Rin blurted, “I’m jealous, OK? Dust ditched me for Darkness. Said she’s more responsible. It’s probably just because she has bigger boobs than me, but screw him! I’ll show him I’m the best damn princess there is, and make my father and brothers regret leaving me here by running this kingdom so good, people will want me as queen!” 

Damien blinked a few times, then shrugged. “Very well, I’ll have a schedule drawn up and put on your desk immediately. You truly wish to hear petitioners?”

“Why does it matter what I want? It’s my job. Why else do people put up with me?” Rin asked, her own brow furrowing. 

“Why indeed,” Damien muttered under his breath. “Will that be all, Your Highness?”

“One other thing. Dust, I mean, Sir Cheruka’s dragon, Faitfore…is she secure?” Rin asked.

“I haven’t received word back yet, it’s been less than a day, Your Highness,” Damien said in exasperation. “But last I heard, she was still in the retreat in the mountains.”

“Well…I want her brought somewhere closer! Somewhere we can keep an eye on her,” Rin said.

“Yes, yes, of course,” Damien groaned. “I’ll send another messenger.”

“Good. Thank you, Lord Damien. I know I’ve put you through a lot today. But I appreciate the steadfast work you do for the Kingdom,” Rin said gently, smiling at Damien. 

The man’s mouth flopped open, and he goggled at Rin for a bit. Kazuma felt his heart stop, and Rin paled as well. Had she just completely blown their cover?

“I…Thank you, your highness,” Damien managed after a moment. He scrubbed at his eyes, which had suddenly gone red. “If…if you will excuse me…”

With that, Damien hastily strode from the room, leaving a relieved pair behind him. 

“Oh, thank Eris, I thought I’d blown it completely,” Rin groaned, slumping into the chair at the desk. Kazuma went over and rubbed at her shoulders, making Rin sigh and slump forward even further. 

“You did great. Leonore probably makes Damien cry all the time.”

“Probably not because she complimented him though. What a bitch. A lazy one too. Does she just lounge about all day and demand to be pampered?” Rin groaned as Kazuma continued his ministrations. “Don’t stop that though. I feel like being pampered just now.”

Which was why Minister Damien found them with Rin half out of her dress with Kazuma massaging her back still when he returned about ten minutes later.

“Your Highness, please, try to be more discreet,” Damien groaned, covering his face with his hands. Not in embarrassment, more exasperation, as Rin hastily put her dress back on with Kazuma’s help. 

“I, um, yes, er…is that my schedule?” Rin said hopefully, quickly straightening her gown. 

Damien nodded, coming over and putting a stack of parchment on Leonore’s workspace. “Yes. Though, I must ask…do I need to get you a contraceptive potion?”

“W-what?! N-no, I, um-” Rin stammered, then took a deep breath. “What I do is my own business, Damien, and you’d do well to not forget that!” —She then blushed. — “but, uh… Forget what you saw just now. I d-d-demand it!”

“I won’t. I’ve been expecting you to find someone to sleep with since your father departed a week ago. A foreigner is a questionable choice, but at least he doesn’t appear as thick-headed as Rein was. Plus, Divine Champions can be quite the asset, so you could do worse. Even if I thought you’d go for someone prettier,” Damien mused. 

“I prefer them scruffy and smart, not pretty and stupid,” Rin snapped, and Damien gave her a weary smile. 

“Well, at least you learned. Try to be discreet. I’ll change the maid’s schedule so they visit you later, but Tiana and Marie are going to figure it out. Have you thought of a suitable bribe?”

“My lady’s maids,” Rin muttered, and Damien nodded encouragingly. “No. Can their… discretion…be purchased? Or should I give them a couple of weeks of vacation?”

Damien considered that. “They can be bribed into silence. Just don’t be too overt. We’ll deal with your father when he returns, but frankly it’s well past time you got married, and none of your father’s nobles will touch you. A foreigner who is a divine champion with ties to Belzergian royalty isn’t the worst choice.”

“M-marriage?!” Kazuma spluttered, taken aback. He loved Rin, but she was currently pretending to be Leonore! And either way, he wasn’t sure he was ready for that yet anyway.

“Oh, yes,” Damien said grimly. 

“Oh, yes ,” Rin said even more grimly, and Kazuma gulped. 

“Damien, will you be so kind as to let me have a…private conversation with Sir Sato. I think he needs to more fully understand what situation he’s in,” Rin purred. 

“Yes, Your Highness. But please, do inform your father at least. You know what sort of temper he’d be in if you sprung this on him when he returns,” Damien sighed, then departed once more. 

“Uh, look, Rin, I, uh,” Kazuma stammered, backing away warily. 

“Lenore, Kazuma. Don’t forget it,” she said sternly. Then she giggled and leaned back. “Got you.”

Kazuma breathed a heavy sigh of relief. “Oh, thank goodness. Look, I, uh, I don’t want to marry Leonore, and, um, it would be a bit sudden…”

“It would be. But don’t think I’m going to let you just keep screwing me for funsies forever. I expect you to get serious about this, because I am,” Rin said. 

“You, uh, mean the pretending to be the Princess thing, or-”

“I mean marriage, Kazuma. I might not be a princess with a royal dynasty on her mind, but I’m not going to let you milk the cow forever without buying it,” Rin said, folding her arms over her chest. That did interesting things to her figure with the padding they’d added to the dress, as Leonore was far bustier. 

Thinking quickly, Kazuma crossed the room, putting a hand under Rin’s chin. This had to be an event flag. “I don’t love Princess Leonore though. I love Rin the Trash Panda.”

Rin’s skirts rustled as her tail flicked back and forth, but she frowned at him. “Well, it’s easy enough to say those words, but-”

“And when we get back, we should get married,” Kazuma blurted. He felt his heart lurch the moment the words were out of his mouth. He’d known Rin for over a year, but they’d been dating for less than a month! She was going to slap him, or worse, laugh at him. He would ruin everything like he always did, and-

“Yes!” Rin gasped, and then kissed Kazuma hungrily. What little sense he had flew right out of his head, and Kazuma hugged her tightly as they devoured one another for a few moments. Kazuma’s hand went exploring, finding Rin’s tail as it popped out from under her skirts.

“That feels good, Rin groaned. She turned around, leaning over the desk. “Lift my skirt up. Let my tail free.”

Kazuma complied, though he also cast a quick Steal, giving him much more to see. He leaned in, kissing Rin’s mound and making her groan, before using his fingers to stroke it until she was sopping wet. 

“Stop playing and do me,” Rin demanded, gasping as Kazuma shoved two fingers in. “Kazuma! I…I need you!”

Kazuma spared a moment to lean over and kiss Rin. “I love you too.” Then he pulled down his trousers, already so hard he felt like he was throbbing, and thrust himself into Rin. She bucked against him wildly, and Kazuma completely lost control. It was a mad minute that ended with the chair knocked over, and Rin grabbing the desk and moaning as Kazuma pounded her from behind. She finished right before he did, grunting as he filled her completely. 

“That…that was good,” Rin slurred, sagging against the desk and sighing. “I…I love you, Kazuma. I will marry you.”

“You…you’ll be Mrs. Sato,” Kazuma said, as post-nut clarity began to take hold. “Like…like my mother.”

Rin snorted, then flicked Kazuma with her tail. “I hope that’s not who you think of when you’re humping me senseless.”

“No, I uh, I just…it doesn’t…feel real,” Kazuma stammered.

“No, it doesn’t,” Rin agreed, smiling at him. He leaned over, smoothing a bit of sweaty hair otu of the way and kissing her.

“Right, help me get cleaned up before they come check on us,” Rin said after the kiss. “Where’s the chamber pot? These dresses are always a pain to go in.”

They didn’t find a chamber pot, but they did find a flushable toilet that appeared to run on some sort of water spell. Kazuma found the design primitive, but Rin was fascinated and intrigued. “A toilet with running water to take away your business? Now that’s impressive.”

“Eh, not really. Everyone in Japan has one of these,” Kazuma said with a shrug.

Rin eyed him skeptically. “Sure, they do, Kazuma.”

“I’m serious!”

“Next you’ll tell me everyone can control the temperature in their house with a magic box.”

“Funny you should mention that…”

Once Rin was sorted out again, she and Kazuma set to work reviewing the schedule and petitions that Damien had delivered. Kazuma helped sort them by priority in three piles, with the most frivolous being discarded outright, a middle stack of important but not serious ones, and a third of vital significance. 

They were still working on it when two women entered the room, both dressed in fine but modest gowns. They looked to be around Kazuma and Rin’s age, late teens or early twenties. 

“Ah, there you are. This is Kazuma, my…ah, knight. Introduce yourselves, please,” Rin said, nodding to the girls. 

“I’m Tiana Pendragora,” the first said. She was a dimpled beauty with soft brown hair in a delicate bun on her head. She was a bit taller than Rin, though her shoes were flat with no heels. “Daughter of Duke Pendragora. It’s a pleasure, Sir Kazuma.”

“I am Marie Mayden, sister to Count Mayden. Honored, I’m sure,” Marie said, though she sounded bored. 

“Pardon me for asking, but…what are you doing, Your Highness?” Tiana asked, peering over Rin to where they were sorting the papers.

“Ah yes, I need your help with this. Each of you, take a stack. I’m considering rejecting these outright, Tiana. Look over them and make sure that one of these isn’t from a moron who is too important to just ignore their nonsense. Marie, check these for the same, only these are ones I might hear, but if they’re from someone important or it’s more dire than it looks at first glance, they’ll go to the priority queue. If they’re senseless, drop them to the rejects.”

Both of the ladies in waiting goggled at Rin like she’d grown a second head, blinking in astonishment. “I’m sorry, what?” Marie managed after a moment. 

“Did you not hear me? Look over these for anything important I missed before I give my list of the petitions I’ll hear to Lord Damien,” Rin said somewhat more tersely, waving a stack at the two gobsmacked girls.

“Er, yes, Your Highness,” Tiana said after she shook her head, accepting the stack and leafing through it. Marie was still looking at Rin like she’d sprouted wings, but she took the stack. After a few minutes, Tiana spoke up.

“Um, your highness, I know this request sounds silly, but…it’s from Lord Farquad. He’s the largest tenant holder in the capital. Best to keep him happy, even if he is a short little ass of a man.”

“Right, put it in the priority queue. I’ll smile and nod and find a way to get his stupid request for a theme park modeled after himself lost in development hell,” Rin said, pointing to the priority pile.

Marie and Tiana both exchanged a startled look, then Marie coughed and said, “Um, this request from Sir Rebral…I know it seems like it’s not terribly important, but he’s in charge of keeping the dragon eggs warm. His request for more timber rights is absolutely vital if he’s to fulfill his job.” 

“Excellent, priority queue for him as well then, good work,” Rin said absently as she scribbled some notes for herself on a pad of paper, quickly describing both noblemen. 

They spent over an hour working on the reports, until Rin and Kazuma were both starving. “Send for lunch, I think it’s time we had a break,” Rin groaned, standing and popping her back. “Ugh. I hate sitting for so long. This is why I prefer to be out of doors.”

“We…we could go riding, your Highness.  You usually take a morning ride,” Tiana pointed out.

“No time for that. We’re terribly behind on all this work, and I haven’t even reviewed the castle finances yet. Kazuma, how’s that going?” Rin said absently. 

“I’m pretty sure your head cook is embezzling funds,” Kazuma said, tapping the pages. “He’s ordering very expensive spices like clockwork, twice a month. But I took a look at the menu: he’s not using nearly as much spice as he’s ordering. Spice is easy to move and even small amounts are expensive. Eggs to eris, he’s swindling you something fierce.”

“We will inform Lord Damien immediately. And we’ll need to do an audit of the castle accountants. They should have noticed something this blatant,” Rin said firmly. “Speaking of spices though, how about a nice curry for lunch?”

“Sounds good to me,” Kazuma agreed easily. 

“Two spicy curries, with rice. And whatever the two of you are having. Oh, and something cold and sweet to go with the curry. Thank you, Marie and Tiana. We’ll take an hour for lunch then get back to work,” Rin ordered. “Kazuma and I will relax in the garden until the food gets here. You can join us when the food arrives.”

“Spicy…curry? With rice?” Riana repeated slowly. “That’s what you want for lunch?”

“Yes, does the cook not know how to make something so basic? If he’s going to rob me, he should at least be good at his job,” Rin said with a frown. 

“Er, yes, of course, Your Highness. I’ll see to it they send up the very best sweet wine with the food,” Marie said, then she and Tiana hustled off. 

The garden was cool and relaxing, and Kazuma and Rin enjoyed the tinkling fountain as they took a much-deserved break. Tiana and Marie returned with servants bearing the food, but also with Lord Damien in tow, along with an elderly woman in priestly raiment. 

“Good afternoon, Your Highness,” Councilor Damien said. 

“Lord Damien. Introduce your companion for Kazuma’s benefit,” Rin said smoothly. 

“This is Archbishop Felicity, Sir Kazuma,” Damien said, and the woman bowed. “I brought her to check on Your Highness’ health.”

“Why? I’m perfectly fine,” Rin said, eyeing Felicity skeptically. 

“It won’t take but a moment, your Highness,” Felicity said, smiling so that her eyes crinkled slightly. 

“Well, you’re not doing it. I want lunch, and I want it now. Where’s my curry?” Rin demanded, shifting away from the Archbishop.

“Your Highness, I-” Damien began, but Rin shut him down. 

“Don’t you Your Highness me, Damien. I’m not a little girl anymore, and I’m starving. Lunch before any other discussion,” Rin snapped.

Damien sighed, but motioned for the food to be laid out. Two steaming bowls of curry, with a heaping platter of rice. Kazuma’s mouth watered at the scent of it, and he eagerly reached for the bowl.

Rin smacked his hand. “Manners, Sir Kazuma. This is a palace, not the barn you were born in.”

“I was born in a hospital like a civilized person,” Kazuma said with a snort, but he put the napkin around his neck, while Rin put hers daintily on her lap.

“Won’t you join us for lunch?” Rin said, gesturing to Damien, Felicity, and her handmaidens. 

The servants produced more curry as if by magic, and everyone sat down for a hearty lunch. Rin and Kazuma made some small talk, but mostly listened as Marie and Tiana chattered, and Damien and Felicity brought up several important goings on in the kingdom and castle. Darkness’ arrival and their party was a major subject of discussion, and Kazuma and Rin listened carefully. 

“We have to be cautious with the Belzergians,” Damien said, his eyes flitting to Kazuma. “They have earned their reputation as warriors. While our dragons give us an advantage, they’re no match for a Crimson Demon, especially not one that’s slain several Generals of the Devil King. There are historical accounts of attempted raids on their village, and it did not go well for us.”

“No need to antagonize them, they’re our allies and a shield against the Devil King. Our prosperity is bought with their blood,” Rin pointed out. 

“That is…a very enlightened way of viewing things,” Damien said slowly. 

“It’s also boring,” Marie said with a roll of her eyes. “Sir Kazuma, you have to tell us, what is the fashion in Belzerg’s capital. Is it true they’re still wearing those awful collars all the time?”

“Yes, those hideous things went out of fashion ages, ago,” Tiana tittered.

“Never mind the barbarians, what’s been happening in the castle? I want to hear something juicy,” Rin said. She listened to the gossip raptly, and Kazuma knew she was filing it away for later. 

Once an hour had passed, Rin abruptly stood. “Lord Damien, I want you to look over the priority petitions, and advise me on how to handle them.  Since the petitioners will be presenting this afternoon, we’ll have to make it quick.”

“You…will hear the petitions yourself?” Damien asked, starting slightly. 

“Of course I will, everyone else is gone, aren’t they? My father and brothers will be gone for weeks yet, and someone has to hear the petitions in the meantime,” Rin pointed out. “Now come, we’ve only a couple of hours.”

Damien and Rin hashed out which petitions to hear in about an hour, after which she sent him away to get dressed for the petitions. Marie and Tiana hesitated, especially when it became clear Kazuma was not leaving. 

“He’s staying,” Rin said, sticking her jaw out stubbornly. “Also, there is something I need the two of you to keep quiet.”

“We won’t tell anyone you’re sleeping together,” Tiana sighed, and Marie smirked. 

“Not that, though, ah thank you. I mean…this,” Rin flipped her skirt over, revealing her tail, which caused both women’s eyes to bug out. “That damned Crimson Demon cursed me, and I haven’t worked out the counterspell yet. Don’t breathe a word of this to anyone, please. It would be deeply embarrassing to the crown and myself personally.” 

“I…I suppose it would,” Tiana said, while Marie just shook her head silently. 

“I will see to it that my thanks are expressed most profusely if you keep this quiet. I’ll sort it out in a week or two,” Rin promised. 

“I…whatever you say, Highness,” Marie said. Then she looked at Kazuma. “You’re really going to let him see you get changed?”

“Considering I’m planning on letting him see me while naked later, yes,” Rin said flatly. “Now hurry it up, I want to look my best for the petitions.”

The petitions took the rest of the day, and were exhausting, but Rin performed excellently. She mostly gave the verdicts Damien had advised, though she did make several adjustments when she saw fit, especially to help the poor and needy, even at the expense of the rich and powerful on occasion. 

At the end, Damien approached once the throne room was empty. Rin bristled slightly. “I don’t want to hear any lectures at the moment, I’m exhausted. You can counsel me in the morning.”

“You won’t,” Damien said and rested a fatherly hand on Rin’s shoulder. “Good job. That was…that was what I’ve wished to see from you, what I knew you were capable of, since you were a child. It was my pleasure to advise you this day, Your Highness.”

Rin brightened at the praise, then winced as her skirts swished slightly, though the minister didn’t notice. “Why, thank you, Lord Damien. It means a lot hearing that from you. I know I haven’t always been the best princess, but…well, seeing Dust…it’s made me want to change my perspective. Now, I have to get ready for dinner with him and Lady Dustiness. I will see you on the morrow.”

After that, both Kazuma and Rin changed into something less formal and met with Darkness in Leonore’s quarters for a private dinner. 

“So, how did it go?” Dust whispered looking around. “With, you know…”

“Quite well, Dust. Now don’t go spoiling anything,” Rin said, glaring at him. “Speaking of, where’s…Rin?”

“She came back long enough to get…her…belongings, then departed with her party for Arcanretia of all places,” Darkness said with a sigh. “I suppose it’s a good enough vacation spot.”

“Sheesh, the Axis Cult HQ? Wasn’t your last visit there…troubled?” Rin asked, looking to Kazuma. 

“Eh, I’m sure they’ve mostly forgotten about it by now. As long as Aqua keeps her big mouth shut, it will be fine,” Kazuma said with a shrug. 

Rin gave him a flat look. “When has Aqua ever kept her mouth shut?”

“Uh, never. Well, shit,” Kazuma sighed. 

“Hopefully Taylor can keep them out of trouble. He’s usually got a good head on his shoulders, but ever since he met Megumin…” Rin shook her head. 

“He’s fallen in love,” Darkness said, a smile playing on her lips. “Both our parties have.”

“Funny how that worked out,” Dust laughed, throwing an arm around Darkness and kissing her on the cheek. “But I’m glad it did!” 

After the late dinner, Darkness and Dust went back to their chambers. Kazuma went as well, though when he was back in the rooms, he bid them both goodnight, then turned on lurk and snuck back across the castle to Leonore’s chambers. 

He found Rin sitting before a vanity, dressed in a thin nightgown, laughing with Marie and Tiana as the three of them chatted and the two maids brushed Rin’s hair. 

“She really cursed your breasts as well?” Tiana asked. 

Rin sighed and nodded. “I made the mistake of pointing out I was more beautiful and well endowed, and that little gremlin’s eyes glowed red. The next thing I knew, I was nearly as flat as she was and had a tail!” 

“Barbarian! Even worse than the ordinary Belzergers,” Tiana said with a dramatic shudder. 

“Yes, quite. Well, I’m ready for bed. Good night, you two,” Rin said. The lady’s maids bid her goodnight, then left for their room one door over. 

“I know you’re there, Kazuma. Enjoying seeing Tiana and Marie in their nightgowns,” Rin said, running the brush through her hair a few more times.

Kazuma delurked, grinning and leaning against the four poster bed. “Hey, I agreed to marry you, not blind myself. Nice thinking, but Megumin will blow her lid when she finds out you blamed her for all these curses.”

“Are you kidding? She’s a Crimson Demon. She’ll probably invent a few new details about our epic magical duel and how she triumphed over me,” Rin laughed, watching Kazuma in the mirror. 

“Yeah, sounds about right,” Kazuma agreed, coming over to Rin. He wrapped his arms about her and kissed her as she leaned into him, her tail wrapping about his led. “How are you?”

“Exhausted. Two weeks of this act…ugh. At least Tiana and Marie are lovely. They’ll be a big help,” Rin sighed as Kazuma trailed kisses down her neck to her bare shoulder. “Mmm. Take me to bed.”

“So I can ravish you?” Kazuma asked, grunting as he scooped Rin up in a bridal carry.

“Twice in one day? My my, aren’t we randy,” Rin giggled. 

“I could make it three, but I think we’re too tried for that,” Kazuma said, then laid Rin out on the bed. She helped him out of his clothes, and he soon had her stripped. They kissed, Kazuma laying atop her and cuddling for several minutes on the soft feather mattress. 

“It’s like being on a cloud,” Rin sighed happily. “Almost makes it worth this royal farce.”

“I could get a bed this soft,” Kazuma pointed out.

“Hmm, we should, as a wedding gift to ourselves,” Rin giggled, then pulled Kazuma down towards her as she spread her legs. 

He took it much more slowly this time, using his hands first as Rin sighed with pleasure, then finding a steady rhythm as the two of them swayed together on the bed. They switched positions twice, cuddling and kissing amidst the extravagant covers, until they finished with their arms and legs entwined in a mess. 

“I…I love you,” Kazuma gasped as he bucked against Rin.

“I love you, Kazuma,” Rin whispered, pulling him tight against her. They lay like that, grinning stupidly at one another, until they both drifted off to sleep. 

Chapter Text

Three days into their two week stint as royalty, Darkness came to Kazuma and Rin with a letter.

“You’re going to want to read this,” she said with a heavy sigh, holding the cheap parchment out.  

Rin looked up from the desk where she’d been hard at work reviewing the palace budget. She took the letter with a grimace. “Which lord is complaining this time? I’ve only been at this a few days and I’m already sick of their games.”

“It’s not that bad,” Darkness said with a sigh. “It’s from, well, ‘Rin.’” 

Kazuma looked over Rin’s shoulder as she read the letter aloud. 

Dear Leonore

Hello, it’s me, your twin! I hope you’re having fun. Don’t ride Pimpernel too hard, she’s a good horse, and I won’t have you lame her. Even if riding is the only remotely interesting thing to do most of the time. You could throw a ball, but frankly, I get tired of all the side-eye and the losers who think I’ll jump into a closet so they can marriage trap me, so I don’t recommend it. 

Anyway, we’re in Arcanretia now. You won’t believe the cutie patootie I just met! She’s one of Aqua’s besties, and she’s taught me SO MUCH about myself. Seriously, you missed out when you didn’t let me have a threesome with you and your boyfriend. Cecily says I’m the best at eating her-

Rin coughed and folded the letter over that part, going bright red. “I don’t think we need to read that part.”

“Well, shit. She met Cecily,” Kazuma groaned, pinching his nose. “Is there any other fantastic news?”

“She’s officially joined the Axis Cult,” Rin sighed, setting the letter to the side. “Is the rest just graphic descriptions of her sex life? Or is there anything actually useful?”

Darkness nodded, flushing bright red. “Um, yes. Not much use, really. Megumin wrote a short letter, but she essentially promised that she and Keith would keep an eye on ‘Rin’ and get her back here on time.” 

“Well that’s a relief. I don’t want to be dealing with this nonsense forever,” Rin groaned, sitting up and cracking her back with a heavy sigh. 

There was a knock at the door, and a moment later, Marie poked her head in, her expression concerned. “Your Highness? Captain Chanticlair has just flown in. He says it’s urgent.”

Rin’s eyes widened, but her look told Kazuma she had no idea who Captain Chanticlair even was. He cleared his throat and said, “For those of us in the room who don’t know who Captain Shanty even is?”

“Captain Chanticlair is the head of the Royal Dragon Preserve! He says it’s about that dragon you requested!” Marie said, urgently beckoning them. 

Kazuma and Rin both started, and Rin hastily got to her feet, picking her skirts up in her hands. “Well, lead the way! What’s happened to Faitfore?!”

They hurried to the formal sitting room, where a tall, thin man in riding leathers with the tabard of a Dragon Knight was waiting. He had salt and pepper hair with a thin waxed mustache, his hair cropped short in a most unfashionable manner that bespoke a man who was more concerned with form than function. Upon seeing Rin, he immediately knelt. “Your Highness. I must beg your forgiveness, for I have failed you.”

“Tell me exactly what’s happened with Faitfore, captain. She is integral to an important treaty,” Rin said, and Kazuma nodded.

The Captain eyed Kauzma and Darkness, his right hand twirling his mustache. “Hmm. Should foreigners be party to this?”

“I trust both Kazuma and Lady Dustiness implicitly. And this matter concerns them as well. You can say whatever you need to in front of them,” Rin told him firmly. 

Chanticlair bowed his head. “Very well. Faitfore was to be transported to the capital today. However, when we went to her cavern early this morning, she was nowhere to be found. Furthermore, my men keep an excellent watch, especially over her cave. They did not see any dragons depart the cavern or the preserve.”

Rin’s brows furrowed. “Surely a dragon cannot simply disappear. Were there any signs of a struggle?” 

“No, Highness. That said…” Chanticlair hesitated, glancing at Kazuma and Darkness again. 

“Speak on, Captain. This is a most urgent matter. We need to find Faitfore immediately, or our opportunity at a favorable treaty with Belzerg may be lost,” Rin urged. 

The captain sighed heavily. “My lady…Faitfore is young, but…there were signs she might have been becoming an Elder Dragon.” 

Kazuma blinked at Rin, who pursed her lips, then glanced at Darkness, who grimaced. “So, you think she’s assumed human form, and slipped out that way?”

Chanticlair started. “I…wasn’t aware that Belzerg was aware of the secret of Elder Dragons…”

“The Dustiness family has fought many chromatic dragons in our time, but we have been allies to the prismatic dragons. In fact, my great-great-great grandmother was the elder prismatic dragon Lalagosa. It’s one reason that we have such great physical strength and endurance,” Darkness said with a small shrug. 

Upon hearing that, both Marie and Chanticlair gasped, and both of them bowed slightly to Darkness. “I am sorry, my Lady. I did not realize you were one of the dragon-blooded.”

“It’s not a great secret. Anyone can learn of it by studying my family's official bloodline,” Darkness said with a blush. “Though I will admit, I wouldn’t force anyone who wasn’t required to take upon the memorization of all the noble bloodlines of Belzerg and the surrounding kingdoms. It is rather dry.”

“I knew that,” Rin calmly lied since Kazuma was pretty damn certain she did not, in fact, know that. But it was a very Leonore thing to say, so he let it pass without comment. “And it’s one reason I intend to offer Faitfore to Dust, that is, Rein, to help seal a new treaty with Belzerg and reaffirm our commitment to defend against the Devil King and his armies.”

Both Marie and the Captain looked horrified at that, while Darkness looked rather relieved. At least until Rin added, “In exchange for certain trade concessions.”

“T-trade concessions?!” Darkness gasped. “But, R-really, your Highness, that wasn’t what-”

“I’ve been reviewing the last bargain my father struck with King Melark. They are most disfavorable to Bryndle, and I intend to alter the deal, in exchange for granting your kingdom use of a full-time Dragon Knight,” Rin sniffed. 

Darkness looked slightly poleaxed, but the Captain was now stroking his mustaches in a rather thoughtful manner. “That is…most intriguing. What of Faitfore’s progeny?”

“Obviously, they will have to be returned to Bryndle for training, but they will be free to choose their own riders, as is traditional,” Rin huffed. Darkness turned bright red and looked on the verge of an outburst until Rin added, “But, members of the Dustiness line will, of course, be allowed to stand as potential rider candidates for the hatchlings to choose from. We’ll hammer out the details later.”

“That is…surprisingly cunning and well thought out,” the Captain mused, looking rather pleased. Marie’s jaw was actually hanging open, her eyes bugging out slightly. 

Rin rounded on the captain, her eyes flashing in fury. “And, Captain, do you not think that I am not allowed the occasional good idea when it comes to policy?”

“Well, er, no, I didn’t mean to imply-” Chanticlair stuttered, but Rin raised a hand. 

“It’s fine. Sir Kazuma suggested several of the details to me. I’m going to be proposing it to the Royal Counsel once we have Faitfore in hand. Now. How do we go about finding her?” Rin demanded. 

“Well,” Chanticlaire said slowly, stroking his mustaches again. “If I were a betting man, there are two places I suspect she’d go. The first is the former Cheruka estate. The second is to make for the capital itself if she is aware of where Sir Cheruka is.”

“I take it you have already dispatched searchers to the Cheruka estates?” Rin asked, and Captain Chenticlaire nodded. “Good. Lady Dustiness, where is your fiance at this particular moment in time?”

“Last I checked, in our quarters, though he had mentioned going out on the town for some fresh air,” Darkness said. 

“Very well. Sir Chanticlaire, I believe the best thing to do would be to let Rein wander about on his own for a bit. The man is an oaf and a fool, but he’s nearly as blessed by Eris herself as Kazuma is. Kazuma? You will go looking for Faitfore as well. Marie, you will help me finish reviewing the palace budget. We’re seriously overspending on luxuries and beauty routines. A certain amount of ostentation is reasonable and expected, but this is too much!  It’s a tremendous waste of my time and the people’s taxes to engage in so much frippery!” 

“Er, yes, your Highness,” Marie agreed, and followed Rin back to the bedroom to go over the ever-dry budgets and schedules. 

Kazuma changed from his fancy-pants clothes into his plain old adventurer’s garb and headed out into the capital of Bryndle. It was rather different from the Belzergian Capital, probably because there weren’t as many isekais corrupting the local culture. The dress was slightly different, and the buildings very much so, while the roads were multicolored cobbles instead of a uniform pavement. 

Kazuma was about a block from the palace when he realized he had no earthly idea what Faitfore even looked like. She was apparently a giant dragon that could turn into a human. He immediately pictured a sexy, curvaceous woman with pointed ears, horns, and a tail, like Tohru from Miss Kobayashi’s Dragon Maid. If that were the case, Dust was going to be a lucky man with his own harem, and Kazuma was going to have to seethe with jealousy. 

With a shrug, Kazuma decided to do what he usually did in these situations: trust in sheer, dumb luck. It had worked for him so far. So, he wandered blindly, picking his direction at random and playing tourist. After several hours, his stomach started to grumble, so he found a street food stall. They were selling flat bread, slathered in melted goat's cheese and covered with tomatoes, corn, and garlic sauce. He was so hungry he bought two, happily munching on one piece as he wandered away. 

Just as he was about to take a second bite, when he noticed someone staring at him from an alleyway. It was a young girl, perhaps 10 years old, with pale white hair, yellow eyes, and a raggedy dress. She was thin and filthy looking, a street urchin if he’d ever seen one. Her eyes were locked on Kazuma and his snack, and a bit of drool was leaking out of her mouth as she pressed both of her hands to her obviously empty belly. 

Sighing, Kazuma wandered over and crouched in front of the girl, as she was sitting with her arms wrapped around her legs. “Hey. Want some?”

“Hungry,” the girl said, extending a hand. Kazuma gave her one of his flatbread pseudo-pizzas, and the girl grabbed it and proceeded to shove it into her mouth with both hands, devouring it with no concern for manners. She then licked her lands clean, despite them having been filthy earlier, and Kazuma grimaced. 

“Hey, you’re making a mess,” he said, pulling out a handkerchief and wiping her mouth. “What are you doing in this alley all alone, anyway? You got any parents?”

“I am looking for my master,” the girl said, her tone rather cool and emotionless. “He is near. I can smell him.”

“Oh really?” Kazuma said, making a face. “And who’s the loli-bait lover?”

The girl cocked her head to one side. “What is loli-bait? Can you eat it?”

“Never mind. I suppose you’re still hungry?” Kazuma asked, and the girl nodded. He held up the other half of his flatbread. “Tell me your name first.” 

“Faitfore,” the dragon-girl said. 

Kazuma sighed. It seemed she was a Kanna type instead of a Tohru. Kazuma was going to have to kill Dust if he had any lewd designs on this child. Or just tell Darkness. She’d probably take care of the matter for him, no problem. “Well, let’s go look for your ‘master.’ Dust is probably drunk in a tavern somewhere.”

“No Dust. Rein,” Faitfore insisted as Kazuma cleaned the mess of her gorging herself off of her face. 

“Sure. Just, uh, do me a favor. Don’t call him master. That sounds perverted, and he gets himself in enough trouble,” Kazuma told Faitfore. He extended his hand to her, and she eyed it for a moment, before slipping her small hand into his. 

“But he is my master,” Faitfore said as they headed off down the street. Kazuma winced. 

“Yeah, just call him Dust. Or Rein, if you have to. And call me onii-chan,” Kazuma insisted. 

Faitfore gave him a quizzical look, and Kazuma added, “If you do, I’ll buy you more food.” 

“Onii-chan,” Faitfore said dutifully.

Kazuma decided he would die before he let anyone hurt this precious child. He bought Faitfore two more flatbreads, a kebab, and three honey cakes. She eagerly ate it all, then nodded to him. “Thank you, onii-chan.”

They didn’t find Rein on the way back to the palace, but the guards did stop Kazuma, running up and leveling their halberds at him as he approached. “Sir! Unhand that dragon!” 

Before Kazuma could respond, Faitfore stepped in front of him, spreading her arms wide. “Do not threaten onii-chan!” 

Such an adorable little sister!

He patted Faitfore on the head, smiling down at her. “Relax, let your big brother handle this. Look, guys. I’m taking her to the Princess. It’s me: Kazuma Sato, her personal adviser?  I’m handling a very delicate matter here. Keep it quiet: the princess wants to see Faitfore personally.”

“No! No princess! I want my master!” Faitfore huffed, turning around and ignoring the weapons pointed at her to pout at Kazuma. 

“We can escort you to the princess,” one of the guards said, raising his weapon. The others copied him, and Kazuma grinned. “By all means! Escort me and my lil sis to the princess!” 

Faitfore’s brow knit, and she frowned as they started off towards Leonore’s chambers. “But, you are not my elder brother. You are a human. I am a dragon.”

“Dust is like a brother to me. And thus, I’m basically your big brother, since he’s like, your dad or something,” Kazuma said to Faitfore.

She considered this. “Do elder brothers give their little sisters snacks?”

“It’s their duty,” Kazuma told her seriously.

“I see, Elder Brother Onii-Chan.”

Tears filled Kazuma’s eyes. Truly, he had made it in this world.

They found Rin hard at work amidst a pile of documents. “Hey, honey, I’m home! And guess what I found!” 

The guards looked scandalized until Rin looked up and grinned when she saw Kazuma. “I knew your luck would win out! Excellent, and- oh my gods, she’s darling ! Kazuma, is that really Dust’s dragon!?”

“I am Faitfore. Where is my master?” the dragon said seriously, looking absolutely adorable as she did so. 

“Sweetie…that’s problematic. Why don’t you call him Dust like everyone else,” Rin said, crouching in front of Faitfore so they were on eye level. The girl nodded seriously, and Rin turned to Marie. “Draw a bath for her! And send for the royal tailors! I’m paying them enough, and they are definitely making some cute dresses for Faitfore!” 

“Y-your majesty! She’s an elder dragon! Is that really appropriate?!” Marie asked, more than half scandalized. 

“You can’t tell me she wouldn’t be just precious in a sundress. With a little hat too!” Rin said, grinning impishly. 

“Well, um, I…” Marie flushed and cleared her throat. “...I’ll send for the royal tailor immediately.”

Kazuma was shooed outside, with the now apologetic guards. 

“Sorry, sir. Can’t be too careful with security,” the lead guard said. 

“Don’t worry about it. You did your job, no hard feelings. Keeping that woman safe is more important to me than anything in the world,” Kazuma told him, clapping the man on the shoulder. “Now, back to your post. Oh, and don’t tell Dust or Lady Dustiness we found Faitfore when they come back. I want this to be a surprise.”

After about an hour, Darkness and Dust reappeared, looking out of breath. Dust ran up to Kazuma, grabbing his coat. “We can’t find her anywhere, Kazuma! Please, you have to tell R-Leonore to send out a search party!? What if Faitfore is lost, or hurt!? Someone has to find her! She’s only a young dragon!” 

“Relax. We’re working on it. Why don’t you come in and have some tea?” Kazuma told him. 

“Kazuma, now is hardly the time for tea!” Darkness protested, looking distraught. “Dust is quite concerned about Faitfore, as he should be! Dragons are not mere beasts, and she was closer to being his family than his mount!” 

“Duly noted. One sec,” Kazuma rapped on Rin’s door and called, “Hey, are you ready for us? Dust and Darkness just showed up.”

Tiana poked her head out, then grinned when she spied them. “They’re in the garden! The tailor’s just left. Come in!”

“Taylor’s here?” Dust asked in confusion, but Kazuma shoved him inside. 

They found Rin sitting with Marie and Faitfore at a small table, with high tea set out. Maids were cooing over Faitfore, who was now dressed in a frilly mint-colored dress, with a wide hat on her head and a pair of daffodils in the band. She was absolutely adorable, with her cool kuudere looks and a bit of strawberry jam on her cheeks from the scones. 

Upon seeing Dust, Faitfore lept from her seat, putting one hand to the hat on her head as she dashed over, crying, “Master!” 

Tears filled Dust’s eyes, and he croaked out, “Faitfore?” as he knelt, scooping her up in his arms and hugging her tightly. 

“Master!” Faitfore said the first real emotion in her voice Kazuma had heard as she closed her eyes, wrapping her arms around Dust’s neck. “I have found you.”

“I…I’m sorry, Faitfore. Sorry I left you alone. I promise to never leave you again,” Dust said hoarsely, his eyes squeezed shut as he hugged her tightly. 

Darkness knelt beside them, her own eyes damp as she smiled. “Dust, I did not realize…she’s so young! She’s practically your daughter.”

“No, he is my master,” Faitfore corrected. 

Darkness winced. “Ah, Dust…”

“What?” he asked, frowning. “Don’t you like her?”

“Yes, but, ah…maybe she should call you something else…like… elder brother?”

“Kazuma is Elder Brother Onii-Chan,” Faitfore said seriously.

Everyone in the room turned looks of disgust and/or death glares on Kazuma. “What? What?!”

“Uh, maybe just call me papa,” Dust told Faitifore. 

She considered that, then nodded. “Papa! Do you like my dress? The princess says I am cute.”

“You’re the cutest dragon in the world,” Dust said, kissing Faitfore on the forehead. She smiled happily at the gesture, and separated from him so she could twirl about in her dress to show it off to everyone. 

“Can I have more dresses, papa, princess? I like them,” Faitfore said seriously. 

“You can have as many dresses as you want, darling,” Dust promised. He pointed to Darkness. “This, um, this is Darkness. She’ll be your new mama.” 

“H-hello,” Darkness said, crouching down in front of Faitfore and smiling at her shyly. “I, ah…I intend to wed your father, Dust. You…you don’t mind, do you?”

Faitfore considered that. “Will you give me dresses and snacks if you are my mama?”

“Of course! And we’ll battle lots of strong monsters together,” Darkness promised. 

That produced a grin with far too many sharp teeth for such an adorable little girl. “Mama! I hope papa gives you lots of eggs.”

“I…I do too,” Darkness agreed, and gave Faitfore a hug, which she returned happily enough. 

“Man, she’s cute as a button. But what are the other dragons and riders going to say when they find out I’m letting mine dress up?” Dust muttered to Kazuma.

“Screw ‘em. You’re moving to Belzerg. She can wear as many dresses as you want, no matter what the other dragons say,” Kazuma said with a shrug. 

“Yeah! Screw ‘em!” Dust agreed, and beamed at Faitfore as she devoured another dozen scones, Darkness matching her bite for a bite to the awe of all the surrounding servants. Rin wasn’t doing half bad for herself either, though, despite her best efforts, she could only manage four. 

“Dust, why don’t you and Kazuma take Faitfore for a walk,” Rin said, turning to Darkness. “Lady Dustiness and I have a treaty to sign. Marie, send for Minister Damien and have him bring the draft I’ve been working on.”

“Your Highness, I don’t really know if-” Darkness began.

“You have been charged as a royal envoy, yes? And if you are to leave with your adorable new daughter…well. Certain trade concessions will be required,” Rin said with a wicked grin. 

Kazuma and Dust departed with Faitfore for a walk of the castle grounds, Faitfore eagerly running ahead of them and telling everyone that she was “adorable.” Nearly everyone couldn’t resist giving her a pat on the head, and several of them even gave Faitfore some sweets, saying she was “darling.”

Captain Chanticlair was less than impressed, turning to Dust and shaking his head when he encountered them. “Dressing your dragon up like some sort of doll? The very idea. She is a noble fighting beast, not a pampered pet.”

“Papa says I’m his and mama’s daughter now,” Faitfore piped up. “And I can have all the dresses I want!” 

“You’ll spoil her rotten,” Chanticlair sighed. “It seems the Belzergian madness has infected you. Well, at least we won’t be losing a proper fighting dragon.”

“Hey! Faitfore can still fight!” Dust protested. 

“Not dressed like that,” Chanticlaire said dryly. “Good day to you.”

Faitfore examined her dress as he strode away, then looked up at Dust, frowning. “Can I not be adorable and fight with you, papa?”

“Of course you can. I’ll make sure to put ribbons on your horns whenever we fight,” Dust promised. 

“Yes. Then I can be adorable and fight monsters,” Faitfore agreed. 

As they toured, Kazuma noted that all the dragons were eyeing Faitfore, and felt bad for the girl. He resolved to kick the ass of any dragon that bullied her. Or at least have Darkness do it for him. 

The other knights certainly looked at Dust with disgust, but considering his general reputation before, that wasn’t much of a change, even as they whispered about him “playing dress up with his dragon.”

Faitfore spent the night in Darkness and Dust’s quarters, after showing off an adorable nightie that came with a little dragon hoodie made by the royal tailor, who was perhaps the most enthusiastic convert to what he was calling “Dragon High Fashion.” 

The next morning, after breakfast, Rin sat to hear petitions once more. Kazuma took a peek outside, seeing the usual line of nobles, merchants, and a few commoners in line. He was just about to report back when a stunning woman with long silver hair, amber eyes, dressed in a burlap sack that very nearly broke the bounds of modesty strode up, cutting in front of the line. The guards very nearly tried to block her, but she snarled at them, “Out of my way! I, Hoyin, Imperial Matriarch of the High Dragons, DEMAND to see the Princess!” 

The guards looked uncertain, but Kazuma drew Chunchumaru. “If you mean any harm to the princess, I cannot let you pass.” 

Hoyin snorted as the petitioners cringed away from her, folding her arms over her chest, emphasizing her very feminine figure. “I would like to see you stop me, human. But do not fear. I am not here to harm the princess. I am here to petition her, not harm her.”

“Very well,” Kazuma said. He turned to the line. “Any objections if she cuts to the head?”

After hasty assurances from even the snootier nobles that they did not mind if Hoyin preceded them, Kazuma led her inside. 

Hoyin immediately strode to the center of the audience chamber, even as Rin sat up in surprise on her throne. Dropping to one knee, Hoyin bowed her head. “Your Highness, I am Hoyin, Imperial Matriarch of the High Dragons. I have come with a petition!” 

“If this is about Faitfore, she has chosen to accompany Dust, and I have reached an agreement with Belzerg that will allow her to do so. I will not keep her from being with her chosen family,” Rin said firmly. 

Hoyin looked up, scowling fiercely. “As is good and proper! But this IS about Faitfore. Why does she get to wear adorable dresses, when the rest of us do not!? As Matriarch, I demand that I be provided with cute outfits to show off to my master!” 

There were gasps of shock and buzzes of conversation. While Rin was still formulating her reply, there were the sounds of boots and spurs ringing off the stones, and a moment later, Captain Chanticlair appeared, red faced and out of breath. “Hoyin!? What are you doing, petitioning her Highness! This should go through me!”

“You said you didn’t like cute outfits,” Hoyin sniffed. “So I am bypassing you, master. If you will not give me an adorable dress and a lovely hat like Faitfore has, then I will go straight to the source!”

Chanticlaire’s jaw dropped, and he turned to Rin, looking rather abashed. 

“Oh please, captain. Do explain to your dragon why she isn’t allowed to have a dress like Faitfore. Faitfore, honey? Why don’t you come over here and show everyone how cute your dress is.”

Faitfore, who had been off to the side with Dust, scurried over. This time, she was wearing a yellow sun dress, along with a tan cloche hat with a yellow ribbon on it. She happily spun about, showing off her style to everyone present. 

Hoyin gasped and clasped her hands together. “So cute!” Then she rounded on Captain Chanticlair, drawing herself up and bellowing, “I DEMAND CUTE DRESSES LIKE THAT! AND SHOES! I WANT CUTE SHOES TO MATCH MY DRESSES!” 

“I, er, well, I um…” Chanticlaire gulped, then turned and bowed to Rin. “...I will address this matter personally. I will ensure that Hoyin has all the clothes she wants, from my own personal funds.”

“Tell me, Chanticlaire, do dragons draw a salary?” Rin asked in amusement. 

The captain blushed. “Er, no, your highness. Not as such…”

“Well, as it happens, thanks to certain budget cuts and a new and very favorable trade treaty with Belzerg, there is currently a surplus in the royal budget. As such, from this day forward, all dragons who are in our service shall be paid a stipend for living expenses, such as clothing, treats, and other items. And Sir Kazuma has proposed plans to open a royal hotsprings spa and resort. All dragons will be granted a yearly three day stay at the spa, to be paid from the royal budget.”

“Hot springs?” Hoyin asked, frowning slightly. “To bathe in? But I already bathe in volcanic springs.”

“Not with beauty treatments, hot drinks, and cute dresses to relax in,” Rin told her. “It’s the least we can do for the dragons who defend our country.”

Hoyin brightened at that. “I accept! I will let all the other dragons know they may also have cute clothes! Parinthrax was saying he wanted a fancy hat and a nice suit!”

With that, Hoyin happily strode off, an embarrassed Chanticlair following after her. 

By the end of the week, High Dragons in High Fashion could be seen strutting about the palace, resplendent in evening gowns, fancy suits and trousers, and sporting the most magnificent of headwear. It quickly became something of a rivalry amongst the Dragon Rider Corps to see who could outfit their dragons most splendidly, and the tailors of the city experienced a huge boom in business. Of course, they had to pay a new tax on all high fashion items that Kazuma had quickly proposed and Rin had run through. There would have been more grumbling, but all the clothiers and haberdashers were making so much money they were too busy to whine. 

Faitfore turned out to be the trendsetter of high fashion, with the royal tailor providing her with multiple new outfits daily, much to her delight. Darkness was so pleased with her cute new daughter that she almost forgot that she’d signed a less than favorable treaty in her capacity as Royal Envoy, and was waiting to hear back from Iris to have it ratified. 

It was in that semi-carnival air that Rin and Kazuma were rudely interrupted one evening. Fortunately, they were only half naked at that point, but the door still burst open right as Kazuma was kissing Rin on her nipple. 

“Your highness!” Minister Damien cried, rushing into the room. 

Rin screamed, covering herself, while Kazuma swore and would have killed Damien if he hadn’t been so busy trying to pull up his pants.

“Damien! Why on Earth are you bursting into my private chambers!?” Rin demanded.

Damien shook his head. “I’m supposed to have known you since you were in swaddling, your Highness. Look. We’ve just received this.”

Reluctantly, Rin took a letter from Damien. The seal was broken, but he recognized the golden falcon of Elroad. 

Rin began to read and soon forgot about her nudity. She looked up, having gone pale. “This…this is a ransom demand! They’re threatening to execute the king and the princes if we don’t pay them one hundred billion eris!” 

Damien nodded grimly. “Yes, Your Highness. The King and the Princes incurred a great debt, and somehow insulted the Sultan of Elroad. Minister Ragecraft sent this demand, stating that if the sum was not paid in a fortnight, he would execute one of your brothers each week, starting with the youngest and working his way up to your father.”

Rin snarled, her bushy tail standing on end. “This insult will not stand! Summon Captain Chanticlair and the Dragon Knights!”

“Kazuma! Rin! I, oh!” Darkness and Dust skidded to a halt, Faitfore hot on their heels. Both of them immediately covered up Faitfore’s eyes, much to her confusion.

“Mama, papa, what’s wrong?” 

“Nothing, sweetie,” Darkness soothed, before looking up. “Your Highness, the King of Bryndle is in grave danger! We’ve just received word from Princess Iris that a general of the Devil King is known to be active in Elroad!”

“Oh really,” Rin said, her eyes narrowing. She shrugged on her nightgown, then turned to Damien. “ I’ll meet the Knights in the formal council chamber in half an hour.”

“Yes, your Highness,” Damien said with a hasty bow, and ran off as fast as his pudgy legs could carry him. 

“What do we do?! Leonore isn’t due back from Arcanretia for three days!” Dust cried, half panicked. 

“I’ll tell you what we do. We fix this mess,” Rin said. “I’m not letting all my hard work keeping the kingdom in good order for her go to waste! We rescue the King, and we stomp out this General. Do you know who it is?”

“. Not by name, and Iris learned from the Fortune Teller of the Crimson Demon Clan that the infiltrator is a shapeshifter, so they could be impersonating anyone” Darkness reported.  

“Great,” Rin muttered. She turned around. “Help me get dressed, Kazuma! And not one of those frilly things. Get me something suitable for war!”

Kazuma swallowed and shared a look with Darkness, who nodded firmly. 

“Right. I’ve got your back, Rin.”

It looked like their playing at being royalty had just turned deadly serious. 

Chapter Text

For a war room, it was rather homey, with bright red and bronze decor and carved cherry wood furniture. The floors were polished marble, with strategically placed carpets over them. At the center was a large sand table, which several mages were operating to show the current state of the border with Elroad, along with the disposition of friendly forces. 

Crowded around the table were the Dragon Knights, all wearing ornate armor emblazoned with each warrior’s personal heraldry. Chanticlair’s was that of a red rooster, while Dust had traded in whatever his old personal heraldry had been for the winged shield of House Dustiness. Darkness wore her typical adventuring gear, which was hardly out of place with its feather mantle and bright yellow tabard. 

For his part, Kazuma was dressed in a green tunic with light leather armor, supplemented with a green headband and Chunchumaru at his hip. Rin wore a gold circlet with a red gem at the center, along with a white and gold tunic and green trousers. Her tail was on full display, and while several people had eyed it askance, she just glowered at them until they dropped their eyes. So far, no one had been daring enough to question her on it. 

“We’re not certain where they’re holding King Leo and the Princes Leopold and Leonard,” Chanticlair said, gesturing as the table shifted under the mage’s command. “But odds are good they’re in the Elroadian capital of Vivalas, in the palace dungeons.” 

“How well defended is the border?” Rin asked, gnawing at her lip as she studied the map. 

“Along the main roads, quite well. They have units of mages and archers stationed here, here, and here,” Chanticlare said, indicating the places where major highways linked the two nations. 

“But there’s big stinking gaps between them,” Kazuma said, shaking his head slowly. “Won’t they try to cover them?”

“They can try, but we have hundreds of miles of border with Elroad,” Chanticlair said with a grim smile. “And while they can guard the mountain passes, trying to guard their entire border is sheer folly.  The terrain itself is the main defense against an attack, on foot that is. But guarding the capital…that’s another matter.” 

“We’re not going on foot. We’re striking on dragonback. We get in, rescue my father and brothers, and get out,” Rin said, tracing a route with a simple spell that passed over a mountain range that was essentially impassible for the ground-bound Elroadians.

“Yes. I think we’re most likely to meet resistance when we reach the city itself by that route. ” Chanticlair said grimly. He gestured, and the map zoomed in on Vivalas, which was surrounded by high towers. 

“These fortifications each have powerful siegecraft atop them, along with at least one archmage. Our dragons are fast and powerful-”

“And terribly dashing,” Hoyin said, displaying her harpy feather fan. She was dressed in an enormous and very frilly pink hoop skirt, with her silver hair done up in an elaborate braid. She was probably the most ostentatiously dressed of the dragons, but not by a wide margin. 

“-and very fashionable,” Chanticlair agreed, flushing slightly. “But as beautiful as my Hoyin is, I’m afraid all the lace and silk in the world won’t protect against enchanted ballista bolts.” 

“Then we smash the towers and rescue the king! I can earn my keep after all,” Hoyin sniffed, and the other dragons made various growls of affirmation. 

“Nope,” Kazuma said, cracking his knuckles. “This calls for an infiltration mission. Myself and a couple of other sneaky types get in there and take out one of the towers. They have overlapping fields of fire, but if one tower is disabled, there will be a narrow corridor that will allow all the dragons to fly in and decimate the Elroadian forces before we rescue King Leo.”

“An intriguing plan,” Chanticlair mused, stroking his mustaches. He turned to Rin, raising an eyebrow. “I take it you will be leading this covert operation, Your Highness?”

She nodded in the affirmative. “I’m a mage myself, and Kazuma has contacted an infiltration expert who will be helping us take out these towers.”

“Oh?” Chanticlair looked about, frowning. “And where is this so-called expert of yours?”

“So called? My good sir, I take offense at that,” a silver haired youth said, adjusting her freshly stolen monocle.

Chanticlair slowly reached up to his eye, which was now bare of his ornamentation. A smile quirked at his lips. “Well, I must say, young m-”

Hoyin elbowed Chanticlair in the chest so hard his armor dented and he let out a pained gasp. “Lady,” she corrected with a sniff. “Your vision really is getting bad, Chanty. Maybe you should retire.”

“My vision is just fine when people don’t steal my glasses,” Chanticlair muttered, even as Darkness let out a delighted gasp.

“Chris! You came!” she cried, running over to wrap her friend in a warm embrace. 

Chris laughed, returning the hug, then grinning cheekily at Kazuma. “Well, Lowly Assistant, it looks like you’ve got yourself in a bind! Fortunately, your Boss is here to help!” 

Kazuma bowed low, returning the smile. “Thanks, Chief. I knew that we could rely on the Silver Masked Thief brigade!” 

“Silver Masked Thief?” Chanticlair’s eyes went wide. “Wasn’t that the famous thief who infiltrated the Belzergian Capital, and is wanted on crimes of high treason for stealing Divine Treasures from the castle?” 

“Alas, we don’t currently have an extradition treaty with Belzerg, nor they one with us. As such, the Crown is simply hiring a skilled infiltration expert and Thief to deal with the enemy fortifications,” Rin sniffed. 

Chanticlair grinned at that, stroking his mustache. “Ah, very well, your Highness. Indeed, if, ah, she is the Silver Masked Thief, then I have full confidence in her ability to execute this plan.” 

“Lady Dustiness will also be accompanying us into battle, along with Sir Chelka and Faitfore,” Rin said. “We’ll handle the infiltration mission. Once the tower is disabled, I’ll launch a green flare from the top. That will be the Dragon Knights’ signal to move in and rescue my father and brothers from the palace dungeons.” 

“A reasonable plan. We’ll adapt when something goes wrong,” Chanticlair said with a nod.

Kazuma winced. “So, uh, you know about our track record with plans, huh?”

“Young man, I am merely an experienced campaigner. Something always goes wrong. The one who wins is the one who adapts best to the vagaries of fortune, or just prays the loudest to Lady Eris,” Chanticlair said with an amused chuckle.

“Oh don’t sweat that one. I think the Big E is listening to us pretty well,” Chris said with a wink. “And Kazuma and I have always been lucky.”

After that, there was a brief flurry of activity, as the dragons strutted outside with their knights, transforming back into their draconic forms. The younger dragons, who hadn’t yet gained the ability to take on human shape, looked on jealously at their elders and their resplendent finery. It was a bit odd to realize that Faitifore was considered an “elder” dragon since she looked like a little girl, but Kazuma was plenty familiar with the 500 year old loli dragon trope.

“How old is Faitfore anyway?” Kazuma asked Dust as they prepared to mount up. 

Rin glared daggers at him for the remark. “Kazuma. You don’t ask a lady her age!” 

“I’m not really sure. I rescued her from some rich prick who was using her as a slave. Back then, she couldn’t take on human shape, as she was just a Greater Dragon. So, I think she’s probably at least 500? But she could be as young as four or as old as six hundred. Just depends on when she awakened,” Dust said with a shrug. When Darkness and Rin both glared at him, he grew defensive. 

“What?! She’s a young dragon! Little kids like to brag about their age! She’d tell you herself if she knew!” 

Faitfore turned her great head around, nodding soberly in agreement with her “papa.” She was alabaster in coloration, with a slightly duller underbelly, along with feathery scales all over her body. Most of them were in the range of silver, grey, or white, with a few pale blues as well. Some dragons had striations or other patterns on their hides, and all had differing numbers and shapes of horns. 

Hoyin was by far the largest of the dragons, with a silver colored coat and an off-white underbelly, along with giant head spikes and a spiked tail. The other dragons all looked to her, but she bowed to Faitfore, as she was bearing the Princess. Chanticlair urged her closer, and he smiled and waved to Rin. “Well, Princess. I trust that this particular flight with Sir Chelka will go better than your previous one.”

“Well, this time I have you as an escort, do I not? And besides, he’s not the man you should be worried about,” Rin said, sticking her nose in the air in a very Leonore expression.

Chanticlair guffawed and slapped his knee. “True! Lady Dustiness, I trust you will ensure Sir Sato keeps his hands where you can see them. Now, let us fly!” 

They lifted off into the skies, with Rin gasping in delight and snuggling up to Kazuma, gripping him tightly as they flew. From Kazuma’s perspective, they weren’t all that high up, no more than a couple of thousand feet, but it was still windy and cold. They were all wearing thick clothes and goggles for the flight, but to Rin and Darkness it was a rather novel experience. 

“Can you believe it?! We’re actually flying!” Rin shouted into Kazuma’s ear as they flew.

“Yeah, didn’t think I’d ever get to fly again,” he admitted. 

“You’ve flown before!?” Rin said, her expression disbelieving. 

“Yeah, my family flew to Hawaii for vacation when I was 10. It was kinda boring, honestly, especially when my Gameboy ran out of batteries,” Kazuma admitted. 

“How could you ever think flying was boring!? Chris, he’s lying, right?” Rin demanded, craning her neck around.

“Eh, not this time. They’ve got some pretty wild stuff in Japan, or so I’ve heard,” Chris said with a shrug. 

Kazuma blinked at that. “Boss, when did you learn about Japan?”

Chris flushed and glanced away. “Uh, you know about my mission from Lady Eris, right? Well, uh, I did some research into Japan. A lot of the summoned heroes left notes. So they talked about flying on these ‘airplanes’ and such.”

Rin looked disappointed, so Kazuma kissed her on the cheek. “Don’t worry. This is a lot more interesting, and it’s more fun to be flying with you. It’s my first dragonflight at any rate, so we can share that.”

“Well, I’m glad you’ll stoop to our level,” Rin laughed. She glanced back at Chris. “So, um, I noticed you haven’t asked about…”

“Eh, don’t worry. You’re doing a pretty good job impersonating Leonore. I’ve robbed Bryndle before, and she’s a right bitch. Plus, I owed you one for finally hooking my girl Darkness up with a proper man! Never thought I’d say that about Dust, but it’s good to see him turn his life back around.”

“C-Chris!” Darkness stammered. 

“What? You’ve needed a man and to get laid for a long time! Lady Eris understands if you don’t always wait for marriage, trust me. Just make sure you tie the knot before you pop out the first kid and you’re good,” Chris told her. 

“T-this is not the sort of discomfort I enjoy,” Darkness muttered, looking away. 

“Are you pregnant?” Kazuma asked her curiously. 

She turned and glared at him. “I don’t know, are YOU?” 

Kazuma opened his mouth, blinked, then turned to Rin. “Uh….”

She blinked at him herself, then reddened. “Well, um…we er…haven’t exactly been consistent with using the potion, and, well, no offense Kazuma but… you couldn’t pull out of a barn door.”

“What!? You mean you’re-” Kazuma felt like he was about to fall off the dragon, and Rin hastily reassured him. 

“I’m just a few days late! That’s sort of normal, I’m usually pretty irregular, what with the adventuring life and all. It’s no big deal. I’m sure Darkness knows what I’m talking about.”

“A-actually, ah, I am very regular…though, um, I-I was late for the first time this week…” Darkness admitted. 

Kazuma and Dust shared horrified looks as Chris giggled hysterically behind them. They didn’t say anything, but Kazuma knew they were both thinking the same thing. 

Oh shit. I am so not ready to be a dad…

Though to be fair, Dust was already a dad. Kazuma was somewhat jealous that he already had an adorable daughter. It wouldn’t be so bad if it was a girl…

“Sorry, Kazuma. Don’t worry, you can still name your son Chris. Mine is short for Christian, his can be short for Christopher,” Chris laughed. 

“Why should we name our kid after you!? And how do you know it’s a boy, huh!?” Kazuma demanded. 

“Because you’ll need a boy to be the heir, right?” Chris asked innocently. 

“Forget that, we’re rescuing this stupid king and giving the crown back to Leonore the second she returns. Shit, shit, shit! I didn’t…I can’t actually be pregnant, right?!” Rin asked desperately. 

“You should see a healer, hun,” Chris told her gently. “You too, Darkness. Though with your constitution I’m not really worried about it. You’d enjoy it if you got morning sickness.”

“I definitely would not. That is not the sort of pain I enjoy,” Darkness muttered, but she was drooling slightly, so Kazuma didn’t believe a word of it.

“Uh, we’ll deal with that…later. We’re crossing the border into Elroad now, get ready! They might have an ambush waiting for us,” Dust warned. 

A river, flowing between sets of stoney hills, passed below them, and everyone tensed. However, nothing happened, and after another minute of flying, they breathed a sigh of relief. 

“Looks like we’re free and clear to Vivalas!” Dust said confidently. “And, uh, Tina, sweetie…if you are pregnant…I mean, I already promised to marry you, but er…your father…”

“Will be thrilled,” Darkness said with a heavy sigh. “But Dust…under no circumstances can we allow that man to have any say in what we name our future children. I will not inflict that man’s ‘creative’ names on anyone else.”

“Well, at least someone in your family has some sense, thank Eris for small mercies,” Chris muttered. 

“Definitely wouldn’t thank Aqua,” Kazuma muttered, which made Chris laugh hysterically to the point that she nearly fell off of Faitfore. 

“Heads up, we’re nearly at Vivalas!” Dust called. “We’ll be putting down far enough away that they shouldn’t see us.” 

They landed amidst hills, sparsely populated with scrub brush and a few small trees. The area they put down in was a dry riverbed amidst a small thicket of thorny plants. Faitfore transformed back into her child form, already in an adorable dress and wide sun hat. 

“Now remember, we’re just tourists here for the casinos,” Kazuma said, pulling out a pair of sunglasses and a cheap suit. Dust and Darkness had put away their armor, Darkness wearing a matching dress to Faitfore who was going as her and Dust’s daughter (which was true enough anyway) while Rin had on a cocktail dress.

“I am so not looking forward to walking to the city in heels,” Chris muttered, changing into a dress of her own behind a bush. “Infiltration should happen in something more practical.”

“Well, you’re the one with the bag of holding,” Kazuma pointed out, as they stuffed their armor into the Divine Treasure that Chris had “borrowed” from some noble after the hapless idiot Aqua had recruited had gotten themselves killed for a second time. 

“Meh. It still doesn’t feel right,” Chris said. “Come on, the gates are only a few miles away and it’ll be dawn soon.”

They marched out of their hiding place onto the road, which was smoothly paved with what looked like asphalt of all things. “Sheesh. Talk about a historic anachronism,” he muttered. “For a fantasy world, the tech is all over the place.”

“Huh? You mean the road? Kazuma, they mine this stuff off old lake beds. They’ve been using it to pave roads for forever,” Rin said, stomping her foot on the tarry black material.

“Yeah, Kazuma. The Greeks used asphalt as a paving material since the seventh century BC, or the Jimmu Era by your calendar,” Chris pointed out.

Kazuma paused. “How the hell do you know about all this stuff, Chris? I don’t even know what the hell Greeks used as a building material!” 

“I read a lot,” she said breezily, though she was blushing slightly, and Kazuma figured she was hiding something again. He didn’t have time to worry about that now. 

They hiked along the road, which had plenty of wagons and carts heading towards the city. However, as they approached the gates, they found a long line that wasn’t moving. 

“Let me check this out,” Chris said, kicking off her heels. “I have a sneaking suspicion they’re trying to keep us out.”

She vanished from sight, and not even Kazuma’s enhanced senses could locate her. They waited impatiently for about 20 minutes as the sun began to rise and the desert heat intensified, until Chris reappeared. 

“Yep. The city is buttoned up tight. Not even letting in produce wagons, which means they’re gonna starve in a few days if something doesn’t happen. People are getting angry. However, I know a gal, and no city is completely impenetrable. Come on, this way.” 

They headed off the road towards a stream bed that trickled into the city, until they came to a large boulder near a bend. Chris scraped away some dry brush, revealing a cunningly disguised trap door. “This is what smugglers use to get in and out of the city. I’ve used it a few times. Let’s just hope that Melissa isn’t entertaining a guest right at this moment.”

The tunnel was narrow and cramped, to the point that Darkness and Dust had to practically bend double, and even Kazuma and Rin had to duck their heads. It was dark enough that even Kazuma’s night vision wasn’t showing him much, but there was only one way to go, so they scrambled through until they made it to a rope ladder at the far end. Chris scrambled up it, then banged the hilt of her dagger on the wooden trap door above them in the old “shave and a haircut, two bits” pattern. 

They waited for a tense minute, until the trap door swung open, blinding them all with the smoky light that came through. 

“Chris? What are you doing here?” a deep woman’s voice asked. 

“Hey, Mel. Same as usual, here to pull a job! I’ll cut you in if you let us into the city,” Chris offered. 

“Hmm, tempting. Your jobs always cause quite a stir though. Wouldn’t have anything to do with the ruckus with those bores from Bryndle, would it?” Mel asked suspiciously. 

“If I say it doesn’t, will you let us in?” Chris offered. 

“I’d rather it did, actually. The city being locked up is bad for business. Well, fine. But I expect a good cut for you using my hidey hole.” Mel let them into the room, and turned out to be a dark haired woman with quite a few curves in thief’s garb. Kazuma had a feeling she was exactly the sort Chris would have known to help her pull a heist before, but this time Mel refused to join them.

“Using my secret passage is help enough. I’m not risking a confrontation with the Royal Guard, or getting involved in international politics,” Mel sniffed. “That’s too much heat. Good luck, though. I’ll be rooting for you from the sidelines.”

“Some help you are,” Kazuma muttered, but Mel just laughed at him. 

“Honey, you don’t stay in this game as long as I have without learning when to hold and when to fold. You’re crazy for going up against the Sultan and the Casinos both. Those Bryndle morons really put themselves in a lot of debt.”

“Of course they did, and they expect me to bail them out,” Rin grumbled.

“Men usually do, sweetie. Now, you won’t want to be going anywhere just now. There’s a citywide lockdown, and while there’s also a curfew, you’ll have better luck sneaking around to wherever you’re going after dusk. I suggest you all just relax. I’ve got a few spare rooms you can borrow, for a price, of course,” Mel said with a predatory grin. 

Kazuma ended up coughing up an absolutely exorbitant amount of Eris to Mel, who pocketed it happily before showing them to a rather smelly stable with nothing but moldy old straw for bedding.

“This is outrageous! I paid less than tenth of this for the stable Aqua and I shared!” Kazuma protested. 

“Yes, but you weren’t hiding from the law then,” Mel told him. “Unless you’d rather just risk the streets.”

Still fuming, Kazuma jerked a nod and picked the least disgusting of the stalls, which was at least free of manure. 

“I’m going to do a bit of scouting,” Chris said, having already changed into her normal clothes and wrapped a silver scarf around her neck. “You keep an eye on things here, Lowly Assistant. Make sure Darkness doesn’t try to do something noble and get us all killed.”

“Eh, she can play domestic bliss with Faitfore and Dust. We’ll just nap all day,” Kazuma told her. 

Rin looked around the stable, a small smile on her lips as Mel sashayed off and Chris scampered away. “The good old days with Aqua, huh? I really can’t believe you never slept with her.”

“I told you already, she’s too dumb to ever be even slightly attractive,” Kazuma said, pulling Rin close. “I prefer my women to at least have some brains.”

“She does seem like the type who could burn a salad,” Rin giggled, leaning in close to kiss Kazuma. They lingered on that, until Rin pulled back. “Say, did you ever think about what it would be like to do it in a stable?” 

“Uh….” Kazuma blushed, thinking about just that with Rin in his arms. “Isn’t that a little inappropriate for a Princess?”

“Please. You and I both know that’s probably exactly what the real Leonore is doing right now with Cecily and Keith both, gods help their souls,” Rin pointed out with a shudder, hugging Kazuma even more tightly. 

“Is it just me, or are your boobs bigger,” Kazuma said, giving them a hard squeeze.

Rin groaned softly and rubbed herself up against him, which only made Kazuma more excited. He pushed Rin back into the straw, where she fell with a squeal of delight. Kazuma got down in the straw with her, pawing at Rin’s cocktail dress. It was easy enough to get her out of it, as she tugged at his dress pants. 

Taking a deep breath, Kazuma inhaled the musty scent of the straw, mixed with Rin’s sweat and the light perfume she wore. It was an intoxicating mix, and Kazuma nibbled at Rin’s neck as she helped him out of his jacket and shirt as well. 

“Shhh, Faitfore’s right next door,” Rin groaned, even as she pulled Kazuma into her.

“You’re the one making all the noise,” Kazuma grunted, putting a hand over Rin’s mouth to stifle her moans. She nibbled at his fingers, but didn’t stop, reaching down to tease Kazuma’s balls that made him gasp from the pleasure. 

They locked lips to try to keep each other quiet, and were only mostly successful. After a few sweaty minutes, Kazuma tried to pull out, only for Rin to lock her legs around him.

“Don’t. I want all of it,” Rin told him. 

“I…I’m going to get you pregnant though,” he gasped.

“Is that so bad?” Rin asked, tousling Kazuma’s sweet slick hair before kissing him again.

Kazuma didn’t have a good answer for that, and besides, he did want to finish inside her. After a few more thrusts, he did, panting and staying inside as Rin bucked against him until she finished as well.

“I’m probably already pregnant, you know,” Rin told him, going over to an old water barrel and using her hands to scoop out some of the contents to wash herself off. 

“Uh, you sure?” Kazuma asked sheepishly, coming over to clean himself as well. Now that they were finished, he felt rather disgusted for having done it atop musty straw. 

Rin splashed him, which made him yelp as the water was quite cold in the warm air of the stable. “No, but we’ve been together for weeks now and banging two or three times a day without protection. Which, uh, is as much my fault as yours, but, well, that does lead to only one thing…”

Kazuma swallowed, his mind racing. He and Rin were both only 18, which was really too young to be married as far as Japan was concerned. In Belzerg, it was normal enough, but Kazuma didn’t really feel ready to be married and a father. Still, if it was Rin…

“Meh, it’s not like I’m not rich enough. We’ll just go back to Axel and have Aqua marry us before the kid comes,” Kazuma assured Rin, even if he felt like his head was spinning. “That was the plan anyway, right?”

“Right,” Rin agreed, pulling her dress back on. “Now I suppose we really should get some sleep before we try this infiltration mission.”

They curled up in one another’s arms in the straw, though it was some time before either slept. They didn’t say anything, but Kazuma knew he and Rin were both contemplating their uncertain future. “We’ll do it together,” he assured her, squeezing her tight. “No matter what it is.”

Chapter Text

As the sun set, Kazuma and the others snuck out into the darkening city. The pavement radiated heat like an oven, causing all of them to soon be soaked in sweat. Chris and Kazuma led the way, dodging heavily armed patrols of swaggering guards carrying pikes and scimitars under the neon lights of the various casinos.

That was probably the biggest shock to Kazuma: the entire city of Elroad looked like Las Vegas, with towering hotels dressed in various themes, from the one with a lot of fountains that reminded him of Alcanrettia, the one with pyramids, to another with jousting knights. All of them advertised games of chance, and it made Kazuma’s fingers itch. 

“Later…” Chris whispered, making Kazuma jump. “We’ll rob this place blind later, my clumsy apprentice. Oh, the run’s we’ll have…I’ve been itching to teach this place a lesson for ages.”

“I mean, sure, robbing casinos is great, but I was thinking of gambling, not robbing the vault,” Kazuma hissed back. 

Chris giggled at that. “Oh Kazuma. That’s exactly how I was planning to rob them. When you and I play, it’s not really gambling now, is it?”

Kazuma grinned and laughed. “No, I suppose it isn’t, is it? Now come on. We got an idiot king to save.”

They finally made it to the outskirts of the palace, where the ring of mage towers could be seen. Each tower was at least 60 meters tall. They would have been nothing special in Japan, but by this world’s standards, walls of such height were extraordinary. They were also incredibly wide, having a base of 20 meters in diameter. Each was made of solid sandstone, with magical glyph wards on it that would protect it from most spells. 

“Where’s a Chuuni Calamity on legs when you need her?” Kazuma muttered. Despite himself, he found he was actually missing Megumin. This would have been a perfect target for one of her Explosions. 

“We’re going to have to do this the hard way,” Darkness said grimly, raising her sword. 

“Do me a favor and aim your swings at me. That way you won’t hit me,” Kazuma told her, which  made Darkness flush and Dust scowl. 

“Hey man, you don’t see me insulting your girl,” Dust growled. 

“That’s because Rin is perfect in every way and would kick your ass if you tried. Darkness, on the other hand, is into it,” Kazuma said blithely. 

“Hmm, you’ve got something on your nose, Kazuma,” Rin said, rubbing her own to demonstrate. Kazuma copied the gesture, and Rin chuckled. “There, looks like the brown came off. Now come on. Darkness, you wait for Kazuma and Chris to take out the guards, then you lead the way in. I’ll be right behind you and Dust.”

Kazuma stepped forward, then hesitated. On a whim he  turned her around, scooping Rin up in his arms and sweeping her off her feet to kiss her deeply. He looked into her eyes and said, “I love you.”

Rin, for her part, had gone completely red, but her tail was swishing back and forth so hard it was kicking up a dust cloud. She just grinned stupidly at Kazuma and nodded, so he set her back down and hurried after Chris, who was sneaking towards the tower entrance, and activated lurk. 

He nearly fell over when something invisible slapped him on the back. “Nice work, lowly assistant. Seems like my luck and charm are rubbing off on you! Now get your head in the game.”

The main doors to the tower were sealed up tight, which only made sense, so Kazuma and Chris looked for a back way. It didn’t take long for them to locate a side door, but Kazuma’s thief sense told him there were plenty of guards on the other side. 

“We need a way in so that the others can get inside,” Kazuma whispered to Chris as they crouched in the twilight. “How do we do it?”

“Hmm, let’s just listen for a moment,” Chris said, and they put their ears to the door. 

Sweet Eris, I’m hungry. When’s dinner coming? 

Dunno, Captain Ali said something about food being delivered later. He’s with the Minister now.

Great. I bet it’s more of that awful stew. Makes you want to order out, doesn’t it?

You know the rules. No food unless it’s from the barracks. Even if I think I’ll hurl if I eat one more bite of that slop. 

Kazuma and Chris pulled back and eyed each other. “Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” Kazuma asked. 

“Yes, and the good news is, I already have the uniforms with me,” Chris said.

Chuckling, Kazuma nodded. “Just like you, Chief, to already have guard uniforms for-”

A shirt and pants smacked Kazuma in the head, and he pulled them off to see a red shirt with black slacks, along with a ball cap with a familiar logo on it. “Wait, is this-”

“Yes, but don’t tell anyone. Some weeb who was a big fan of Code Geass set up a chain here decades ago and it’s been a smash hit. Now turn around so we can get changed,” Chris told Kazuma.

Moments later, Kazuma was dressed as a Pizza Hut delivery man, with Chris in identical uniform. She’d also produced eight piping hot boxes of pizza pie from somewhere. 

“You’re really going to have to tell me how you know about Code Geass later,” Kazuma told Chris as he adjusted his red ball cap. 

“If you haven’t figured it out by now you’re either completely blind or so infatuated that you can’t even notice other girls now. Either way, I’m milking this until I stop finding the joke funny,” Chris told him, which didn’t answer much of anything. Then she rapped smartly on the door in the familiar “shave and a haircut” pattern. “DELIVERY FOR CAPTAIN ALI!” 

There was a pause, then a flap slid aside and a pair of eyeballs peered out. “Yeah, yeah, password or you- holy shit, is that Pizza Hut!? Guys, Captain Ali sprang for pizza!”

“Wait, he did?” someone said from the other side, but the door was already being flung open by the overly eager guard. 

“Sweet, hand it over!” the guard said, licking his chops.

“Nuh-uh. Not until we get paid. Plus tip. Do you have any idea how hard it was to deliver this with the city on lockdown?” Kazuma demanded. “If we didn’t have a writ from Captain Ali, we’d never have made it! As it is, this stuff’s nearly cold!” 

“Right, right, fine, come on in,” the guard said, and ushered Kazuma and Chris inside, where they set the pizzas down on a nearby table. The guards eagerly crammed around it, grabbing steaming hot slices of pizza goodness. 

A minute later, Captain Ali hurried down the stairs. “What’s this!? Who ordered pizza! There’s a damn lockdown, how’d you even get it delivered?!” 

One of the guards paused, a bit of cheese hanging from his beard.  “Uh, you ordered it, captain. They said it’s 16000 eris, plus tip.”

“For eight large pizzas!? That’s highway robbery!” Ali ranted. Then paused. “Wait, but I didn’t order pizza.”

“Then perhaps you ordered a knuckle sandwich?”

“No, I don’t remember-” Ali cut off as Darkness’ fist slammed into his jaw, sending him skidding across the floor bereft of several teeth. He didn’t even get a chance to grab a slice. 

The guards yelled and tried to fight back, but they were taken completely by surprise as a Dragon Knight, a Crusader, a mage, and a terrifying dragon-loli smashed into them from one side, and the pizza delivery crew betraying them from the other. After a brief scuffle, the guards were bound and gagged, which made Darkness look terribly jealous.

“Don’t worry, later,” Dust promised, which made Darkness blush and Kazuma gag. 

“That’s not all of the guards,” Chris warned. “These are just the grunts. The mages are the real problem, and they’re on the top floor. I also doubt they’ll fall for the pizza gag twice.”

“No more pizza?” Faitfore asked, looking up with her mouth smeared with sauce and cheese, as she’d found a half eaten pie and promptly devoured the rest. 

Darkness hastily took out a hankie and wiped Faitfore’s mouth clean. “We’ll have more pizza after we rescue the king, sweetie. Just keep working hard.”

“Ok, momma,” Faitfore said in her usual serious tone. Darkness squealed and picked the girl up, hugging her tightly. 

“I want one,” Rin whispered to Kazuma. “She’s so adorable!” 

“Yeah, me too,” Kazuma said, half before he knew what he’d said. “But, uh, later. First, let’s blow this joint.”

They made their way up to the top of the tower, having to bypass several magical barriers that had sprung up. Fortunately, it seemed Rin was a bit of an expert on getting into magical locks. “I may have uh, specialized in cracking magical barriers. I always knew I wanted to be an adventurer…soooo…” Rin chanted a quick spell, then pressed a control rune that deactivated it. “Ta-da!” 

“Aww, you’re both gremlins! You’re perfect for one another,” Chris laughed. 

“Says the woman who apparently carries around Pizza Hut uniforms just for a dumb gag,” Kazuma muttered. 

Chris wagged a finger at him. “It’s only dumb if it doesn’t work. Otherwise, you’re just lucky! Come on, there’s only one more before we get to the top.”

They hurried up the last set of stairs, only to find the barrier already lowered. Kazuma held up a hand, peering up above them into the darkness. “Wait. Something’s not right. That can’t have been all the barriers. Someone had to put those up, right?” 

“They were automatic defenses, so even a single mage could have activated them,” Rin explained. “Still…yeah. This seems like a trap. What’s going on?”

“I smell…something scary,” Faitfore said, sniffing at the air and steppin forward. “Daddy, stay behind me.”

“No, pumpkin, you- WAIT, FAITFORE!” Dust shouted, as Faitfore suddenly leapt forward, sprinting up the last set of stairs towards the roof. 

The rest of them charged after, just in time to see the flash of magic and the roar of a dragon. Kazuma emerged to see Faitfore in draconic form battling it out with half a dozen spell casters lobbing advanced magic at her. The mages were all lined up, and behind them cringed a man with a black turban, black goatee, and an official looking staff. 

Right, the guards had mentioned a Minister. That must be him. Couldn’t scream Evil Vizier if he tried any harder. 

“I’ll grab the priority target, you guys hit the mages!” Kazuma called, and slipped back into the shadows as he watched the battle unfold. The mages focused their fire quite naturally on the giant dragon, and while Faitfore was clearly hurt by their spells, she managed to clamp her jaws around one mage and then fling him over the side of the tower, screaming. The mage would probably be fine, more's the pity, but they were out of the battle for now. 

The next to pile in was Dust, leaping a good 10 meters into the air to come down with his spear on another mage. His armor absorbed the spells sent his way, and Dust skewered the woman, snarling, “Leave my baby girl alone!” 

Two mages fired off massive inferno spells at Darkness, but she simply enjoyed the experience. They did seem relieved that she dropped her sword, but Kazuma knew that just meant she was taking this seriously. She picked up one mage, breaking their arm with one hand before throwing them bodily at the second, bowling them both over. Sheesh. The woman really should just give up on the sword all together. She was a natural wrestler. 

The last mage engaged in a brief duel with Rin, which made Kazuma worried. They clearly knew Advanced Magic, while Rin was using only intermediate spells. Fortunately, that seemed to be more of a distraction until Chris came in and slipped a dagger into the mage’s back, causing them to slump to the ground with a knife in their kidney. 

“You damned adventurers, you’re ruining everything!” the Vizier hissed at Kazuma as he approached the man with Chunchumaru out. “I was this close to finally managing to balance the kingdom’s budget after those idiot foreigners came in and began draining the national treasury!” 

“Yeah, well, stay quiet old man and we won’t have to kill you while we light the signal. If you’re good and tell us where you’re holding King Leo, we won’t even torture you,” Kazuma said.

“Ha! I’d LOVE for you to take them off my hands, but this is even more of a disaster. Do you know how much it costs to replace those mages!? Bother. Well, I suppose I was supposed to be toppling the kingdom for the Devil King, so I may as well just use this opportunity to take out Bryndle’s dragon knights too.”

Kazuma paused, half a step away from the Vizer. “I’m sorry, what?”

“Oh, yes, terribly sorry, forgot to introduce myself. You see, I’m Ragecraft, General of the Devil King. A pleasure,” the Vizer said, extending a hand to Kazuma.

He tried to pull back from automatically shaking the man's hand, but the general darted forward to seize it, . “Oh no. This is going to hurt, isn’t it?”

“Oh, I’ll try to make it painless while I kill all of you. Just because a man needs to destroy humanity doesn’t mean he needs to be rude about it,” Ragecraft said in sensible tones.

“Uh, guys?” Kazuma called, trying to pull his hand away. “We have a problem!” 

“What, can you not deal with one old man, Kazuma?” Dust called. “Come on, Rin, light the flare!” 

Rin shot off the green spell into the sky, where it exploded. “There. Now the Dragon Knights will be here shortly. Who’s the prisoner, Kazuma?”

“GUYS!” Kazuma screamed, as his arm was gripped tighter and tighter. In a moment, Ragecraft’s features melted like clay, then reformed to look like Kazuma’s own to his horror. Numbness traveled up his arm, and Kazuma felt himself going limp. He dropped Chunchumaru, only for Ragecraft to catch it before dumping the now limp Kazuma on the floor. 

He could only watch in horror as Ragecraft sidled up to Rin, putting a hand on her shoulder. “Good work. However, there’s something I really must ask you about in private. Would you just step over here with me, my lady?”

“Kazuma, what’s gotten into you? First you're screaming and now you want to sneak off? Looking for a quickie all of a sudden?” Rin teased, making Kazuma’s stomach lurch. 

“Ah, the minister fainted, he’s over there. I just wanted you to check on him. And really, a quickie? Now really isn’t the time, we have work to do,” Ragecraft said, making Kazuma sound like a real obnoxious asshole.

Rin’s face suddenly went dark, and Kazuma cheered as she cried, “FIREBALL!” 

Ragecraft realled, back, cursing and slapping at the flames on what looked like Kazuma’s clothes. “Confound it, woman! Why would you attack one of your own allies!?”

“I don’t think so. Kazuma would never miss a chance to say something pervy or go for a quickie, battlefield or no,” Rin hissed, her tail standing straight as a bristle brush as she leveled her staff at Kazuma. 

“Very well, now, behold, my TRUE FORM!” Ragecraft cackled, and he began to grow, his clothing shredding as he transformed into a giant demon, wielding a flaming sword at-

A giant tail smashed into Ragecraft, bowling him over and very nearly crushing Kazuma. The still growing giant cried out in pain as silver flames from Faitfore washed over him, then shrieked again as a Lightning Bolt spell struck him. Then Dust lept on him and began to stab the man, before Darkness ran over and punched him in the side of the head as hard as she could. Chris even pulled out her magic dagger and went to work on the giant’s tendons.  

What followed was about two minutes of utter humiliation as Kazuma lay flat on his back. Ragecraft tried shifting his form several times, but it never helped. He simply got wailed on as he complained and whined. At last, he tried to turn into a bird and fly away, only for Faitfore to clamp her jaws around him and swallow him whole. Kazuma was worried he’d try and grow again, but then Faitfore opened her jaw and breathed a stream of fire into the skies, probably deep frying whatever was left of the poor general. 

“Wait, if this was the fake Kazuma…where’s the real one?” Dust asked, glancing around.

“Oh no…KAZUMA!” Rin wailed, desperately scrambling around the top of the tower. 

“It’s fine, the big lug is right here,” Chris said, coming over to where Kazuma was lying. She popped the cork off the bottle and put it to Kazuma’s lips, and a moment later, sensation returned to his body and he groaned, managing to shift his body, though it felt like your arm did after you slept on it all night. 

“I’m alive,” Kazuma muttered as Rin hastily knelt beside him, cradling his head in her lap. “Sorry, uh, turns out…that was a General of the Devil King.”

“What? Are you sure? He didn’t seem very hard,” Rin said, frowning down at Kazuma.

“He said his name was Ragecraft? That ring any bells?” Kazuma asked. 

Rin gawked and looked at Chris, who laughed. “Hot damn! That was a NICE bounty we just claimed! Check out your Adventurer’s card, Rin. I bet you went up a level!”

“Later,” Rin mumbled, blushing slightly. “I just…you’re OK, right Kazuma?”

“I’ll be fine,” he said, flopping his arm. “I was only mostly dead.”

“And as well all know, there’s a big difference between all dead, and mostly dead,” Chris said with a wink.

Kazuma and Rin just looked at her with blank expressions, and she sighed. “Oh well, I guess a Japanese wouldn’t know that one. I’ll just have to find other ways to drop hints. Hey! There’s the cavalry!”

They all craned their heads upward as the column of Dragon Knights soared overhead, making for the castle. The other towers tried to fire on them, but they were too distant to get clear shots and at the wrong angle to really do much of anything. The Knights and their Dragons were able to land in the castle, which quickly surrendered with its defenses penetrated. 

After that, it came to light that the Sultan was bed ridden, and had been for several weeks. His young son, Revi, was in charge, sitting pale faced on a throne in his pajamas. “Uh, I just did what Minister Ragecraft told me to do…” the young boy admitted. “Plus, those foreigners were eating us out of house and home, and the state was being forced to cover their gambling debts! We were going broke!”

“Well it turns out he was a general of the Devil King trying to cause problems, so perhaps we can forgive you,” Rin told Prince Revi, who looked much relieved. “But what’s this about my father’s gambling debts?”

Just then, a door opened, and a tall man with a scraggly beard in soiled and torn but previously fine clothes strode in, followed by two men who had to be his sons in similar wear. “Leonore! My precious baby lion has finally-”

“Father! What is this about GAMBLING DEBTS?!” Rin demanded, rounding on the man, her expression furious. 

King Leo hesitated. “Well, um sweetums, you see, ah, we were having so much fun, and we just knew our luck would turn around, so, er, we-”

“You sit down right here,” Rin ordered, pointing to the carpet before the throne. “I’m getting to the bottom of this.”

“But, Leonore, you just rescued us! We have to make these savages pay!” one of the princes, Leo-something, said. 

“I don’t want to hear a word out of you, Leopold. I’ve heard plenty from the palace staff about your habits back home, and so help me, if you’ve continued it here, there will be hell to pay!” Rin vowed. 

“I am the King and your father! You will treat me with respect or I will-” King Leo began.

There was a loud and very ominous cough, and a woman in a fine dress put a firm hand on the king's shoulder. “Sit, your majesty. The princess is talking.”

“Who are you, how dare- Hoyin? What are you wearing?”

“My very best, provided by Princess Leonore. Now sit. And listen,” Hoyin growled. 

Looking sheepish, the king and the princes had a seat right there on the carpet while Rin ordered the palace staff to bring ledgers detailing her father’s spending habits. They all quickly testified that the Bryndle delegation had been abusing the hospitality of Elroad in a most egregious manner, burning through over a million eris a day in food and drink, not to mention the several billion eris debt they’d racked up in the gambling halls. 

“So, um, we took them hostage because they were trying to skip out on what they owned to the casino. We just needed to collect on their debt,” Revi admitted. “Plus, the cost of the wrecked rooms they caused when we tried to get them to pay up. We rounded up, uh, somewhat generously, but, well…at the very least, they owe about 50 billion eris.”

Rin closed her eyes, then slowly rounded on the King, who was cowering before her. “My cutest little cub, I can explain…”

“Oh, it’s not me you’ll need to explain things to. It’s your people, who are going to be saddled with this ridiculous debt you’ve incurred! Fifty BILLION!? That’s half our annual budget for the ENTIRE KINGDOM!”

“Wait, how do you even know that? You’ve never attended any meetings,” Prince Leo-whatever asked. 

“The Princess has taken over management of the kingdom in your absence. And done a smashing good job of it too,” Chanticlair sniffed.

Sighing, Rin turned to Revi. “Well, the bounty on Ragecraft was about five hundred million eris. Will you accept that as a down payment on their debt?”

Revi blinked. “Uh, aren’t you just going to take them and force us to eat the cost? You, er, are the one with the army of dragons…”

“Yes, and Elroad is our second biggest trading partner after Belzerg, not to mention the kingdoms of humanity need to stand united against the threat of the Devil King,” Rin moaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. “We can’t afford to alienate you, and this is the sort of debt that would make a kingdom collapse. The last thing we need is for the casinos to seize total power and put up a trade embargo against us.”

“Uh,” Revi looked to his (non-traitorous) advisers, who were all frantically nodding at him. “Yes! We accept. We can surely work out some sort of arrangement to pay back the debt over time.”

“Oh yes, we will. And I know EXACTLY which three idiots are going to be working themselves to the bone to do it,” Rin growled, rounding on the king. “Chanticlair, put these three idiots under arrest. Then find the dirtiest bounties the guild has to offer in Bryndle, and put my father and brothers to work. Because Lady of Fair Fortune help me, I am not going to see my national budget ruined because of my own family’s incompetence!” 

“Leonore, you can’t do that, that’s…that’s treason!” Prince Leo-Whatever protested. 

“My…my own daughter…enacting a coup against me?” the King gasped. 

“A coup, huh?” Rin turned to the assembled knights and dragons. “Any objections to the former King and Princes spending the rest of their natural lives working off their debt?”

“Should just execute them and be done with it,” Hoyin growled, which made the former royals cringe in fright. 

“HAIL, QUEEN LEONORE!” Chanticlaire shouted, then knelt before Rin. A few moments later, the rest of the knights and dragons had followed suit. 

There was a loud cough. “Ah, actually, I think you’ll find she wants to take the regnal name of Rin,” Chris commented. 

Chanticlaire blinked and glanced at Rin, who flushed. “Uh, yes. I think the kingdom has had enough of Leo monarchs. Time to start fresh.”

“HAIL, QUEEN RIN!” the Knights and Dragons all shouted. After that, the former king and princes were hauled off, and Rin and Kazuma had to get to the rather serious business of drawing up a treaty with Elroad, dealing with how the debt between the two kingdoms would be settled. It was decided that they would pin the blame of the entire thing on Ragecraft, who had been working to poison relations between the two kingdoms, and the sheer incompetence of King Leo the Deposed and his sons. 

The sun had been up for hours after they finished, and Rin and Kazuma were all too grateful to accept the chambers that Revi offered them to spend the night in. “They’re not our nicest guest chambers, but, well, the former King trashed those so badly they’re still being cleaned and repaired.”

“They’ll do fine,” Kazuma assured him. “We just need somewhere to pass out for a few hours before we head back to Bryndle.”

The two of them staggered to the bed, sharing a long kiss. “Well, at least we saved two kingdoms, huh?” Kazuma commented. 

“Yes, it’s finally over and-”

The door smashed open, and Darkness strode in, her eyes wide. Dust hastily shut the door after Faitfore and Chris came in, causing Rin to groan. “Whatever it is can wait. I’m too tired for even a quick…uh, embrace before bed. And Faitfore looks exhausted.”

“...eepy,” Faitfore yawned, holding her arms up to Dust, who picked up the drowsy girl and rested her on his shoulder, where she promptly fell asleep.

“Rin, do you have any idea what you’ve just done?!” Darkness hissed. 

“Prevented a war and came up with a reasonable repayment plan that won’t bankrupt Bryndle?” Rin yawned. 

“NO! YOU OVERTHREW THE RIGHTFUL MONARCH AND ROYAL FAMILY AND SEIZED A FOREIGN THRONE! BRYNDLE IS DOOMED! DOOOOOOMED!” Darkness half screamed, hoisting Rin off her feet by the collar and shaking her.

“Hey! Hey! Knock it off!” Kazuma demanded, desperately trying to force Darkness to set Rin down. 

The shake, however, seemed to have forced Rin back to her senses, and Darkness set her down, only to pick Kazuma up and rattle his brains as well. “You insufferable man! This may be a game to you, but you don’t understand! Neither of you have royal blood! The gods will curse you both, and you’re as doomed as Bryndle is! It will surely fall!” Darkness cried, tears in her eyes. 

“Eh, I wouldn’t say that,” Chris said with a shrug. “Leo was a bore and his sons were worse. To say nothing of Leonore. I think you’ll find the gods will bless this just fine.”

“Oh and how would you know?” Darkness snapped, dropping Kazuma to the ground with a thump. “You’re just an uneducated thief! I love you, Chris, but you cannot steal a throne! The gods ALWAYS curse those foolish enough to topple their anointed, and without the gods’ blessing, there will be no royal family! And without a royal bloodline, the kingdom won’t have heroes strong enough to defend the kingdom against the forces of the Devil King!” 

“I dunno. Hey, Kazuma, you think Aqua would be cool with you and Rin taking the Throne of Bryndle?” Chris commented. 

Darkness rolled her eyes. “Much as Aqua might THINK she’s a goddess, she’s not actually a real deity, and can’t grant the Divine Right of Kings!” 

“But, the Knights were OK with the overthrow. Don’t they know about the Divine whatever?” Kazuma moaned, clutching his head. 

“But they thought I was of royal blood! If they find out I’m just a commoner…” Rin looked panicked now, and was gnawing at her fingernails. 

“Hmmm. Yeah, I can see I’m not going to get any peace until this is resolved,” Chris sighed. “Totally gonna have to blow my cover for this. Sheesh. And here I had hoped at least Kazuma would figure it out on his own.”

“Figure what out?” Kazuma asked, frowning at Chris.

She rolled her eyes, then grabbed two grapefruit off the table, and stuffed them under her shirt. “Chris, this really isn’t the time,” Darkness sighed. 

“No, no, I got this.” Then Chris grabbed a pillow case, pulled it over her head like a shawl, and covered her scar with a bit of makeup. Then she turned to the puzzled group, widened her eyes, and said, “I am terribly sorry, but I regret to inform you that you have died…again.”

Kazuma blinked, and for a moment, his mind went blank. Then his eyes went wide and he screamed, “ERIS?!” 

“Took you long enough!” Chris laughed, pulling off the pillow case and letting the fruit fall out of her top. “Sheesh, Aqua not getting it I can understand, I’ve been pulling a fast one on her for centuries, but you, Kazuma? I thought my cover would be blown after the Winter Shogun, for sure after the Kite Runners!” 

“Huh? Kazuma, what’s going on?” Rin asked, looking at Kazuma as Darkness’ head whipped back and forth between Chris and Kazuma.

“And Darkness, really, it’s fine. I’ve known the entire time. Heck, you being such an oddball pervert was why I answered your prayer by visiting to be your friend in the first place,” Chris said. 

Darkness went red and instantly fell to her knees. “F-forgive me, Lady Eris!” 

“Uh, Kazuma…?” Rin said, her voice trembling now. 

“Uh, well, you see…Aqua really is a goddess…and, um, turns out…Chris is too,” Kazuma admitted, rubbing the back of his head. 

“Ha ha. Very funny. You two worked this out ahead of time, didn’t you?” Rin demanded, folding her arms over her chest. 

“That’s how you knew so much about Japan! I should have known,” Kazuma groaned, shaking his head. 

“Sorry, Rin. I hope we can still be friends!” Chris said brightly. “And get up, Darkness. I still expect plenty of prayers and offerings, but not when I’m actually here, you know? It gets lonely up in heaven too.”

“I’m lost, what’s going on?” Dust whispered to Darkness, a perplexed look on his face.

“Two of my best friends are gods,” Darkness said, her voice shaking as she got to her feet. “I don’t suppose Megumin is…never mind. I don’t want to know.”

“I mean, she’s already a Crimson Demon. Frankly, that’s enough. Don’t tell her about me though. Those lunatics would try and imprison me as a tourist attraction,” Chris said with a shudder. 

Rin had gone rather pale now, and was clinging to Kazuma. “Kazuma…now would be a really good time to tell me this was all a really unfunny prank…”

“Nope! But don’t worry. I find you very cute together, so you’ll do just fine,” Chris said with a giggle. “Name the baby after me, though. Christopher is a good boy’s name. Sorry, Kazuma. No luck there. Oh, you too, Darkness! Christina for you though. She can be Tina, like her mom.”

Rin’s hand instantly went to her abdomen. “W-wait, um, you mean…?”

“Yeah, you’re both pregnant. Have been for a while, actually! Turns out Kazuma’s just that lucky. Scored a home run that first night in the forest,” Chris said blithely. 

“Wait, how could she know that? Is she a priest?” Dust asked, furrowing his brow. 

Chris patted him on the cheek. “Never change, Dust. Never change. Now, if you will, Rin. Your Adventurer’s card?”

Trembling, Rin took out her card and handed it over to Chris, who examined it. “Hmm, not bad base stats. But, well, we’ll just give that a little polish…” She rubbed the Adventurers card with her fingers, then held it up to admire it. “Ah, perfect! There you go.”

Rin took the card, then frowned. “My stats didn’t go up, but…wait. What’s that x2 mean? And those new skills…Royal Bloodline…and…Rightful Ruler?!”

“Yep! Congratulations, heaven has smiled on you this day! Normally, I’m too low-ranking to bestow the Divine Right, buutttttt….since Aqua is out of the office, I can rubber-stamp it!” Chris said proudly. Then she turned and put a hand on Dust and Darkness’ shoulders. “Now shoo! These two have some celebrating to do! They just found out they’re parents, and got a kingdom to boot! A very in-debt kingdom, but eh, Rin’s smart, and Kazuma’s lucky. Now get going, you too! Your eldest daughter needs a nap, and so does Darkness! I want my adorable namesake to be a healthy baby, you hear?”

Rin lowered her card, then gave Kazuma a sheepish grin as the door closed. “Um, oops. Er…congratulations?”

Slowly, Kazuma knelt, then put his ear to Rin’s belly. “Hmm. Can’t hear anything yet…”

“We’ve only been dating for like six weeks, you dork. You’ll barely even notice I’m pregnant for another couple of months,” Rin said with a snort. Then she winced. “Er, I guess I did baby trap you after all, huh?”

“Well, you know what that means,” Kazuma said, scooping Rin up in his arms. She gave a delighted squeal, especially when he tossed her onto the bed and pulled her pants off. 

“We can have as much sex as we want and not worry I’ll get pregnant,” Rin giggled. She hesitated then, sitting up to cling to Kazuma tightly. “But…Kazuma…this means…we really did pull off a coup.”

“Eh, we’ll worry about it later. Besides, now I know you really are marrying me for my money! You just want to get your kingdom out of debt,” Kazuma chuckled.

Rin leaned back, her eyes hooded. “Oh really? Well, I suppose if I must take this vile pervert of a man to my bed to pay off my kingdom’s-EEEEE! Ah! Kazuma…I love you…” Rin moaned as Kazuma peeled off her panties and spread her legs wide.

“I love you too, my Queen,” Kazuma said, then set to work with his mouth until Rin gasped and groaned, clutching at his hair. He didn’t last very long once he was inside her, but that didn’t matter. They fell asleep in sweaty and tangled sheets, oblivious to what the future might hold for a few more hours. 

Chapter Text

The flight back to Byrndle was much more sedate, with Faitfore safely bearing them home to the castle. 

Home. It was a bit odd, but Kazuma realized that he’d likely spend most of the rest of his life at that castle. That was…well, it was odd. He’d finally gotten the magical isekai adventure he’d always dreamed of, but he’d gone at it in such a bass ackwards way he’d never even seen it coming. 

“What are we gonna do, anyway?” Kazuma said, looking down at the Bryndle countryside as it flew past below them. “I mean, I always wanted a cushy retirement, but this isn’t exactly what I had planned.”

“If you think being Prince Consort of a kingdom is a cushy retirement, you don’t know much about being a noble,” Darkness informed him. 

“Well, and here I thought you got to galavant off on top of a dragon and fly your freak flag in the back end of beyond,” Kazuma shot back, making Darkness wince.

“My time of adventuring…is over. I will still fight monsters for the kingdom, of course, but…it is time I took up my duties and responsibilities,” Darkness admitted. She looked fondly up at Dust, who was stroking Faitfore’s neck as they flew. “I have a family now, and another child on the way. My youth is at an end.”

“Guess mine is too,” Kazuma admitted, glancing at his lap, where Rin was snoring. She looked pretty cute like that, and he had to admit, if he had to stay with someone, he was glad it was her. Though he still wished it could have been a little girl. 

Chris had vanished, saying she had duties to attend to back in heaven. Dust still seemed oblivious, but Darkness had gotten over the shock of her best friend being a goddess remarkably quickly. Of course, the same could be said of Kazuma and Aqua, so perhaps he shouldn’t judge too harshly. 

They landed at the capital amidst a great deal of pomp and ceremony, with all the various nobles and officials who hadn’t joined the expeditionary force in attendance. Rin fussed with her hair and had Darkness help her straighten out her windblown clothes as much as possible before they landed, and gave Kazuma a look of irritation when he told her she looked great. 

“I can’t afford to just be great; this has to be perfect!” Rin informed him, and Kazuma shrugged and let it go. 

He had to admit, she did look slightly bedraggled when she hopped off of Faitfore before the assembled court, but no one seemed to notice, with quite a few lusty cheers and applause for the returning heroes. Rin waved and smiled, stepping up to a prepared podium to make her remarks. 

“Thank you all. I would like to say that our mission was a success, and that my father and brothers were rescued from the vile barbarians without cost. However, that is not the case. It seems that King Leo and my brothers made asses of themselves, blackening the name of Bryndle and racking up a massive 50 billion eris debt to the Kingdom of Elroad with their reckless partying and gambling.”

A hush fell over the crowd, and Kazuma could see that Damien very nearly fainted. 

“However, it turned out that there was a General of the Devil King who had poisoned the Eldroadian Sultan and egged on the naive young prince to imprison my father and demand ransom. Fortunately, with the help of Lady Dustiness and her consort, General Ragecraft was killed by myself and Sir Kazuma. I successfully negotiated a treaty with Elroad, which will see our debt to them settled and normal relations restored.”

Minister Damien took a deep breath, looking as though a death sentence had just been lifted from him, hand to his heart. 

“Because of this, I have deposed my father and brothers, and placed them in the care of the Adventurer’s Guild. They will be doing what proper noblemen should do, and work to rid this kingdom of all manner of monsters that threaten us as Adventurers. Their wages will be garnished until they have paid back their debt. Which, considering the average bounty is around 50,000 eris for a day's work, will be sometime in the next million years,” Rin said grimly. “In this, I have the backing of the Dragon Knights and the High Dragons, so anyone who has any complaints  should see Lord Chantliclaire and Lady Hoyin.”

Hoyim growled and cracked her knuckles, displaying a mouthful of fangs, while Chanticlaire put a hand on his sword hilt and looked stern. For a moment, no one said anything, and Kazuma felt his mouth dry up and sweat bead on his forehead. 

Then to his shock, Tiana and Marie let out loud cheers, followed by Minister Damien applauding loudly. Chanticlaire drew his sword, as did the rest of the knights, who saluted, then knelt along with their dragons. “ALL HAIL QUEEN RIN!” 

The crowd took up the cheer, and Kazuma felt his heart return to beating again. It seemed there would be a bloodless coup after all, at least for now. 

There was more pomp and ceremony after that, with a victory feast declared along with a holiday at the new queen’s ascension. Rin grimaced at the expense, but Minister Damien pointed out the people would expect it, so she approved the measure. 

After that, Marie and Tiana followed Rin and Kazuma back to their chambers, where they set about getting Rin ready for the evening.

“So, uh, do we still have to pretend?” Tiana asked when they were stripping Rin down. Marie elbowed her hard, and Kazuma and Rin both froze, glancing at the ladies in waiting. 

“Uh, what do you mean?” Rin asked somewhat breathily. 

“That you’re Leonore. Since we’re going to call you Queen Rin and all,” Tiana said, glaring at Marie. “What? You noticed too!”

“Yes, but I wasn’t going to say anything, Tia. Seriously, you and your big tongue,” Marie groaned, shaking her head. 

“If you’re threatening me,” Rin began, but both women hastily shook their heads. 

“Perish the thought, your majesty. Both of us were extremely glad to have a break from that insufferable bitch,” Tiana said bluntly.

Marie sighed, and nodded. “Honestly, if Leonore had become queen, I would have considered rebelling. That woman was so selfish and spoiled. But you! You’ve actually shown you have the ability. Plus, this finally isn’t a waste of my time! I was sent here to learn how to be a proper lady and gain some insight into rulership, but with Leonore it was just beauty treatments, parties, and horseback rides. Not that those aren’t fun, but I never saw her do a single bit of work in her entire life, and she made us do any that did come her way.”

“You’ll still set us up with good husbands, right?” Tiana asked hopefully. “Seriously, we won’t tell a soul.”

Kazuma and Rin exchanged a look, and Rin nodded slowly. “Does…anyone else know?”

“Only all the guards, servants, and ministers,” Marie said with a roll of her eyes, which made Kazuma let out a yip of shock and Rin to groan in misery. 

“I did that bad a job?” Rin moaned, putting her head in her hands. 

“No, you did that good a job. Leonore was always incredibly rude to everyone around her. I don't think she knew a single guard or servant’s name. She didn’t even learn mine for about six months, just called me ‘girl’ or ‘you there,’” Tiana said bitterly. “I wanted to slap her most days, the useless lump.”

“Well…she was mistreated by her family for a crime she didn’t commit,” Rin said hesitantly. 

Marie snorted. “What, the thing with Sir Cheruka? Sure, maybe she was still technically a virgin, but she lied to that poor man and put him and her in incredibly compromising positions. The old king might have been a boorish bastard, but he was mad he lost such a good knight and the consequences Leonore got for ruining Rein’s life weren’t nearly bad enough if you ask me.”

“He seems so happy with Lady Dustiness, I’m happy for him,” Tiana sighed. “Even if she is far above his station. A mere landed knight marrying a duchess? The Belzergians are a strange lot…”

“Well, I’m not even a noble. Or wasn’t,” Rin said, making a face. 

The two women paused. “You’re not? But then…how could you inherit the throne? I thought you were a bastard at least, to look so much like Leonore.”

“She’s not, but one of the goddesses came down and said she’d had it with the previous royal line and blessed the succession,” Kazuma put in. The hand maidens eyed him dubiously. “It’s true. Check her Adventurer’s Card.”

Tiana already had Rin’s effects and pulled it out, glancing at the card. “Yeah, there’s no way you aren’t a bastard. Um, pardon the terminology. Though I guess by this the gods legitimized you. You’ve got Royal Blood and Rightful Ruler right here.”

“Man, I bet that makes dynastic succession in this world a lot easier,” Kazuma mused. 

Marie shrugged. “Things still get bloody sometimes. Though you’re an otherworlder so you’re automatically blessed by the gods. It’s pretty normal for royals to marry Divine Champions. Especially since we know you killed at least three generals of the Devil King.”

“Four now, actually,” Rin said with a shake of her head. 

“Eh, five and a half,” Kazuma said, waving his hand back and forth. “I don’t normally count Wiz and Vanir.”

The women goggled at Kazuma for a moment, then Rin burst out, “Wait, you mean, Wiz, our Wiz, is really-”

Running his hand through his hair, Kazuma grimaced. “Yeah just, look. Don’t spread it around. She’s a nice lady who just wants to run her item store. Really, her being a general is more of an accident than anything, and Vanir’s harmless. Mostly. Well, as long as you don’t go into his dungeon, but even then you’ll just end up incredibly disappointed.”

“You two really will have to tell us more of your story later,” Tiana tittered. 

“Or don’t, because as far as we’re concerned, she’s definitely the legitimate heir to the throne, and nothing will change that,” Marie said firmly. Then she winked. “Plus, if you can hook me up with a hunky Belzergian Noble husband, I won’t complain! I hear Belzerg men are…well equipped.”

Rin flushed, but grinned. “Don’t worry. You girls take care of me, and I’ll take care of you.”

The party that night was loud and long, with plenty of drinking, dancing, and singing. Kazuma and Rin danced together until he felt like his feet were going to fall off, then danced some more, until both of them nearly collapsed. The dragons all came out in their finery and performed some rather incredible dances that involved shapeshifting as well, which was certainly a sight to behold. 

The next day, Darkness, Dust, and Faitfore bid them all farewell, as it was time for them to travel back to Belzerg. “Uncle Melark will certainly have a laugh to learn a Belzerger sits on the throne of Bryndle,” Darkness said quietly to Rin.

She stiffened, then stuck her nose in the air. “However fond I may be of you and your people, Darkness, Bryndle is my kingdom, and I it’s monarch. Their needs must come first in all things.”

“That’s good to hear. You’ll make a fine queen. We’ll return for the coronation,” Darkness promised, and departed on dragonback with her new family. 

As for the coronation and wedding ceremony, Rin insisted that they be held simultaneously. Both would be tremendous expenditures that the Kingdom could ill afford at the moment, and combining them would be a good way to save some much needed eris. 

“A wise decision, your majesty. I had worried about this kingdom’s future for some time, but with you on the throne, my worries have been assuaged,” Minister Damien told Rin as they wrapped up their private meeting.

Rin glanced at Kazuma, swallowed, then looked back at Damien. “So, ah…you know. Don’t you?”

“Did from the very first day,” Damien said with a grandfatherly smile. “I’ve known Leonore her entire life. You do look remarkably like her, but your mannerisms are completely different. Combine that with your, ah, general competence in rulership, well…it wasn’t hard to notice.”

“She really must have been something else if everyone is so glad to see the back of her. The former king and princes too,” Rin sighed, shaking her head. 

Damien grimaced. “Poor Leo missed his calling. I’ve been checking up on him and his sons, and aside from their complaining about their accommodations and rations, they’re having the time of their lives fighting harpies in the foothills. He’s remarkably incompetent as a ruler and a general bore, but the Line of Leonid always excelled in combat.”

“Good, because he’s going to be doing that for the rest of his natural life,” Rin growled. “I swear, if he or those two idiots cause more trouble…”

“Leopold and Leonard are both too venal and incompetent to be much threat on their own. I’d worry more about someone trying to prop them up as a rival to you, but honestly, with how much the dragons and their knights love you, no one has much of a chance at that,” Damien said with a shrug. “No, the real worry is that Leonore will come back some day. I half suspect she shan’t, but, well, if the money she stole from the treasury when she departed runs out, and with the way she spends even that considerable sum will eventually, she could cause a major headache.”

“We could just ice her,” Kazuma pointed out, earning him a horrified look from Rin and a grimace and nod from Damien. 

“Kazuma! I’m not just going to order an innocent girl murdered!” Rin cried.

“Oh, Leonore is far from innocent, though her crimes do not generally constitute a capital offense. But monarchs have had people killed for less. Still, as of now, we have no idea where she is, so that’s a matter for another time. For now, I simply look forward to serving at your pleasure, Queen Rin,” Damien said with a bow, and departed with Rin’s permission.

After that, Kazuma came to find that being Prince Consort was, in fact, a lot of work. He could have tried to sleep away the day in bed or goof off with the courtiers, but with Rin working herself to the bone for long hours every day managing the Kingdom, Kazuma felt compelled to at least try and make things easier for her. He ended up taking control of much of the kingdom’s finances, along with manufacturing and trade. 

It was an endless amount of work, but Kazuma was able to come up with several clever inventions that improved the financial situation, as they were still paying ruinous reparations to Elroad, and would be for what sometimes felt like the next hundred years. Still, it was several billion eris a year, even with the competitive interest rates they had been granted. It wasn’t the legacy Kazuma would have wanted to pass on to his children, but there didn’t seem to be much choice in the matter. 

Four months passed by in a flash. By now, Rin was noticeably pregnant, though not hugely so. The clerics all said she was healthy and progressing well, even if she was growing increasingly miserable with the changes her body was undergoing. Her wedding dress had thankfully been tailored to accommodate her situation, so it wouldn’t be too much of a problem. 

The night before their wedding and coronation, Kazuma and Rin took dinner in the garden together, chatting about the next day and making plans. They dismissed their servants for the night and had the space to themselves, eating a simple meal of bread, cheeses, and smoked meat with a bottle of grape juice. It would have been wine, but Rin hadn’t touched a drop since they’d found out, and Kazuma was abstaining in her honor. Mostly because she’d threatened to deny him his nightly privileges otherwise. 

“Here’s to you, the most beautiful woman in the world, and my queen,” Kazuma said, clinking glasses with Rin. 

“And to my prince, long may he balance the budgets,” Rin said, returning his toast. They were both taking generous sips when they heard heavy footfalls on the garden path.

Rin instantly stood, a look of worry on her face. “I told them not to disturb us, but-”

Kazuma was on his feet as well. If their private time was being interrupted, it was dire. Or it had damn well better be. 

To his and Rin’s mutual astonishment, a barefoot and pregnant woman with a bedraggled, travel stained dress and tangled hair stepped into the candlelight. She put her hands on her hips and grinned broadly. “Ta-da! Kept you waiting, didn’t it?”

Kazuma had to blink a couple of times, but Rin’s lips thinned into a line immediately. “You’re late, Leonore. About three months late, in fact.”

“Eh, it’s fine, you seemed to do alright in my absence,” Leonore laughed, coming over and sitting down at the table without being invited to do so. “I must say, exiling father and my boorish brothers? A master stroke! Though honestly, did you really have to? Ruling is going to be such a bother.”

Rin glared at Leonore, but the other woman seemed to ignore her, stuffing her face with bread. “I’m famished! We’ve been traveling for three days, just barely got here in time. When I heard about the coronation, well, I decided it had been long enough after all. Can’t have someone else crowned in my name, can I?”

“I took the regnal name Rin, so no, it’s my name. Not yours,” Rin ground out, slowly taking a seat.

Leonore shrugged. “Well I’ll just have them change it back. I’m sure someone will throw a hissy fit but I can’t have everyone calling me Rin, now can I?”

Kazuma was still on high alert, hand on Chunchumaru as he heard others coming. A moment later, Keith popped out, along with the last person in the world Kazuma ever wanted to see again. Except for maybe Claire. 

“Cecily!?” Kazuma groaned, as a sweat stained Cecily panted into the light, one hand on her back, the other on her swollen belly. “And Keith. Have fun?”

“Uh, mostly. Where’d Lady Aqua go?” Keith said, looking around.

“KAZUMAAAAAAAA!” Aqua wailed, rushing out of the garden with twigs in her hair. She flung herself into Kazuma’s arms, bawling her eyes out. “I-I’m so, so sorry! N-never make me leave you again! Kazuma, I will be your maid if you please please please let me live in your fancy house and promise to take care of me! Leonore is such a BITCH!” 

“You’re no peach yourself, you lazy drunk,” Leonore grumbled, glaring at Aqua as Kazuma rubbed her back and tried to console her. 

“Don’t talk to Lady Aqua like that, dear,” Cecily sighed, slumping into a chair and kicking off her shoes. “Oof. Keith, rub my feet, they hurt so bad.”

“Only after he rubs mine,” Leonore sniffed. 

Keith winced, but quickly knelt and started rubbing both women’s feet with one hand. “Yes, dears…”

Kazuma gave Keith a sympathetic look, then gently kissed Aqua on the forehead. “It’s OK, you're back now. How bad was it?”

“Awful! S-she stole all my wine, was rude to me, and Kazuma,” A look of horror crossed Aqua’s face. “She made me CHARGE for my ART. Can you even imagine!? She tried to make charge for my healing too, but I wouldn’t do it! Can you imagine, a goddess like me, forcing her faithful to PAY for her gifts!? I…I wanted to DIE! It was humiliating!” 

“We were going to starve otherwise, you ungrateful bimbo. You kept wasting our money on handouts and fancy food,” Leonore snorted. 

Aqua spun about, enraged. “I was happy eating cheaply! YOU were the one who kept spending money like it was going out of style!”

“Ladies, please. I’m sure you’re both financial disasters waiting to happen,” Kazuma said, causing Leonore to glare at him and Aqua to stick her tongue out at Leonore. “Aqua, we’ll give you an allowance. But, I do have an important question.”

“Don’t worry, I’m still an amazing goddess and your faithful companion, Kazuma! I did hear about you defeating another general, so good job!” Aqua said, giving him a thumbs up.

“Uh, thanks, but I’m more worried about Megumin and Taylor. Heaven help me, but they were the sensible ones in your group. Why weren’t they keeping you out of trouble?” Kazuma asked.

“They’re in the Crimson Demon Village still, for all I know. Megumin found out she was pregnant shortly before I did, and Taylor left with her to go ask for her parents permission,” Leonore said with a shrug.

“No, they’re in Axel now! They got married and moved back there, Taylor started a demolition business and Megumin is using Explosion Magic to help  him,” Aqua explained. “They, uh, aren’t making very much money, but they’re happy. Megumin will be here tomorrow, don’t worry, Yunyun’s teleporting them in. I’m surprised they didn’t write you.”

“Huh,” Kazuma glanced at Rin, who was groaning. “Well, I’m not too terribly surprised I guess. Seems like the party swap worked out for everyone. He glanced down at Keith, who looked absolutely miserable as he continued to massage the two pregnant women’s feet. “Well, almost everyone.”

“Yes, well, you can stay for the coronation, though obviously, I’ll be marrying Keith instead of Kazuma. Unless you’re up for that, he’s getting boring,” Leonore commented, which made Keith wince and look even more miserable.

“No, you won’t. You’ll be leaving tonight, and never returning,” Rin said flatly. “At least you, Leonore. You can stay if you want, Keith. I wouldn’t even blame you for abandoning the pregnant bitch, even if that is your child.”

“What?!” Keith let out a yip as Leonore kicked him and then jerked to her feet, her face flushed and outraged. “What do you mean, I’m leaving? This is my castle, and my kingdom!”

“The hell it is,” Rin said calmly, meeting Leonore’s gaze evenly. “You’ve spent your entire life partying and ruining other people’s lives. I thought perhaps you were a bit of a victim, but honestly, any trials you suffered, you thoroughly earned. Marie and Tiana have told me everything.”

“Who?” Leonore asked, looking puzzled. 

“My ladies in waiting. Your former ladies in waiting. You were together for nearly a decade. And you can’t even remember their names, can you?” Rin said, her face slowly flushing with outrage. 

“Oh, those two. Well, they’re hardly important,” Leonore sniffed. “I can always replace them.”

“I think not. I’ve finally started to turn this kingdom around from the mess you left it in, Leonore. I am hardly going to hand it back to you so you can run the whole thing into the ground,” Rin snarled, her tail bristling behind her. 

“As if you could stop me! You’re just a commoner!” Leonore sneered. “One word from me, and your whole charade falls down around you!”

“Really. What do you think, Minister Damien?” Rin said, looking pointedly behind Leonore. 

Leonore whirled, a look of triumph on her face. “Ah, there you are, Damien! Now tell this common trollop who she really is, and throw her out on her ear!”

“Your Majesty, I do apologize for the disturbance. That one over there,” Damien nodded to Aqua. “Drew a painting so incredible with some chalk on the pavement that it had all the guards mesmerized and they snuck in.”

“She’s a goddess of the arts, so you’re forgiven,” Rin said. 

“He’s not talking to you, commoner! Damien! Summon my guards,” Leonore ordered. 

Damien regarded her flatly, then turned to Rin. “Shall I have these miscreants thrown out? Or executed?”

“DAMIEN!” Leonore shrieked, but Rin shook her head. 

“Neither. They’re Axis Cultists. It’s to be expected. Give them some stale bread and cheese and then escort them to the border. If they’re found crossing back into Bryndle, imprison them until these two give birth. Then beat them soundly and throw them out again.”

“KAZUMAAAAAAA! You can’t let them beat me, I’m a GODDESS!” Aqua wailed, clutching at him and kneeling before Kazuma.

“Hey, it’s fine, she doesn’t mean you,” Kazuma said, patting Aqua on the head. “Sorry, Minister. Uh, this is the Goddess Aqua, come to bless our wedding. Though Lady Eris will still be performing the ceremony.”

“WHAT!?” Aqua lept up, outraged. “My junior is NOT beating me out at my best buddies wedding! She may have gotten to perform the ceremony for Darkness, but that’s one thing! I’m totally doing this one! I did Megumin’s, and she said it was the best wedding ceremony ever!”

“Sorry, talk to Eris, I’m sure she’ll let you help out,” Kazuma said.

“You can’t do this to me!” Leonore cried as guards, led by Captain Chanticlaire and Hoyin, arrived. “Chanticlaire! Hoyin! It’s me, Leonore! You, you recognize me, don’t you!?”

“Silence, peasant,” Hoyin snarled, backhanding Leonore hard enough to draw blood and send her reeling to her knees. “Further lies out of you and I will thrash you myself!”

“Hoyin, she’s one of Aqua’s chosen, and pregnant. Be gentle, for the child’s sake if no other,” Rin said firmly.

“Yes, your Majesty, I apologize,” Hoyin said, bowing deeply as Leonore began to weep. 

Keith and Cecily didn’t seem overly bothered by it, with Cecily seeming positively delighted. “Cheer up, Leonore! This place would get too stuffy anyway. We can go back to Alcanrettia and serve Lady Aqua there! We’ll get loads of recruits with two cute babies in our arms!” 

“Oh boy,” Keith sighed. He glanced at Kazuma, and shrugged. “I mean, at least the sex is good? Later, Kazuma.”

“Uh, bye,” Kazuma said, waving lamely as the guards led the former Princess and her two lovers away. He glanced at Rin. “I changed my mind. A harem is a fate worse than death.”

“Well I’m glad, because if anyone was going to get a harem around here, it would be me,” Rin said dryly. Then she smiled at Aqua. “Oh get up. We’ll have some wine brought for you. I’m glad you could make it in time, even if I’m not a big fan of the company you brought with you.”

Aqua sprang up, her tears forgotten and eagerly sat down in a chair Damien had brought for you. “Thanks! I promise, I can be super amazing and helpful! Trust me, my wedding ceremonies are WAY better then stuffy old Eris’.”

“Was it really that bad being away from me?” Kazuma asked in amusement as Aqua began to tell a very disjointed tale of her misadventures.

“Kazuma, I would rather sleep in a barn with you for a thousand years then spend another second with Leonore. You might be a perverted NEET, but at least you don’t treat me like your personal slave,” Aqua said with a shudder.

“Didn’t you ever think of just, you know, running away?” Kazuma asked. 

Aqua blinked at him. “But you said to stay with Leonore and keep an eye on her. I figured you knew what you were talking about, so I just did that.”

“Bless you, Aqua,” Kazuma chuckled. A servant brought Aqua some wine, which she eagerly grabbed from him. 

Aqua raised the bottle on high. “A toast! To my bestest buddy Kazuma, and the amazing Queen Rin, long may they reign!”

“‘CHEERS!’” Kazuma and Rin said together, raising their juice in salute.

“Though you guys are totally naming your next kid after me, right? Especially if I promise to give you an adorable little girl?” Aqua begged. 

Rin laughed. “We’ll see, goddess.”

“Ugh, just call me Aqua. I don’t wanna have to call you Queen Rin all the time. That would be super weird,” Aqua said, making a face. 

“I could make you call me Prince Kazuma,” he teased, grinning at Aqua. In response, she stuck her tongue out at him, and they all laughed together.

FIN

Author’s Note:

Believe it or not, this was originally meant to be a couple chapters at most of a sexy and fun romance between Kazuma and Rin with them hooking their party members up. Then I realized I needed someone for Keith, decided to write a little bit more for Bryndle…and it ballooned into 10 chapters and about 60k words. Oh well. 

Next up…I think it’s Darkness’ turn to shine.