Archive of Our Own ^beta

remember

remember before

before you went crazy

and i had to put you away

for your own good

remember how much fun we had

little brother

but now i see you on the couch

and i don't know if you see what i see

or if you hallucinate an entire world

that wants to kill you

Dean tucked a blanket over Sam’s sleeping form. Sam had already taken his medicine, but that didn’t mean he wouldn't wake in the night, screaming about how the devil was after him. Dean loved his brother, so much that he had pulled him out of the mental institution near Palo Alto despite the doctor’s advice. Sam was everything to him.

did you ever stop to think

that maybe an apple pie life

isn’t for us?

that me as a sales manager

and you as an invalid

was never how we were

supposed to live our lives?

you deserve better

and i’m gonna make it so

you’ll see

we’ll fly out of here

in my black chevy

and we’ll drive until

we find ourselves again.

Dean called the office. His secretary answered. “Mr. Tran? I need you to direct all my calls, assignments and so forth to Ms. Bradbury. I’m going on leave indefinitely. Thank you.” He called the electrical company and water company, making payments three months in advance and doing the same for his cell. He’d have to remember to buy Sam one.

and i wanna

wanna take you on an adventure

just you and me against the world

flying down the road in my chevy

with no place to run to and

no place to flee from

just a flight across the country

would that help brother?

When Sam woke up Dean was already packing their bags. Dressed in his favorite worn jeans and Led Zepplin shirt, he rolled their pants and underwear, stacking shirts and hygeine products to make the most of the space in their duffels.

do the duffels ever make you sad?

i know you don’t remember mom

but do you remember dad and the duffels

and racing across the country

our lives were shaped way back then

there’s no way baby brother

no way it’s not in your blood

just like mine

that wanderlust that once you’ve got it

you never escape

but do you really wanna?

“Where’re we goin’?” Sam asked sleepily from the doorway to the bedroom. Dean had finished with the duffles and was hanging their suits in garment bags.

“Where do you want to go?” he asked with a smile. Sam grinned back.

“Anywhere, let’s go. I’m not taking the pills with me though. I want to be able to appreciate this, not spend the trip in a drugged stupor.” Dean nodded.

Sam got what Dean thought was a sappy look on his face. “What’re you lookin’ at?” he said gruffly. His enormous baby brother came over and wrapped him up in his arms. They hadn’t hugged in so long that Dean just melted into the hug. “Love you Dean,” Sam muttered into Dean’s shoulder. Dean swore he wouldn’t cry but the tears pricked at his closed eyes.

“Love you too baby,” he whispered.

there’s something about you

your hair flopping in the breeze

and your laugh

that i haven't heard in months

and it makes something inside me

feel light like i’m falling

falling for you and i know

i know it’s not sane but i don’t care

because you’re not sane either

and if you can’t be crazy

on a road trip with your baby brother

then when can you be?

“How does this look?” Dean asked, pointing to a cheap motel. Sam’s face split into a wide grin.

“It’s perfect, Dean. Thank you.” Sam waited in the car while Dean checked them in. He hadn’t had any hallucinations or paranoia all day. He just hoped it would stay that way. Dean came out with a sheepish smile and got in the car.

“It’s gonna be a king size, you okay with that Sammy?” Sam smile.

“Course. I spent half my life sharing with you. It’s fine.” Dean breathed a sigh of relief and they entered their motel room.

there’s something about the smell

the mustiness of a motel room

that grosses out most people

but to me has always meant comfort

because that mustiness

meant i’d be sharing a bed with you

and you make the hallucinations go away

i don’t know how or why

but you’re my safety blanket

my big brother who can protect me from anything

and i know that’s the way

you want it to be.

Sam woke up, curled around Dean and too comfortable to move. Dean made a soft sigh in his sleep, squeezing Sam’s hand before settling back down. Sam nosed his brother’s neck, breath warm where he placed a tiny kiss. He had a sudden shock of reality, that there was no way he could ever love someone as much as he loved his brother. And as he snuggled back down under the thin motel comforter, he realized he was completely okay with that.

the first time

i told you i loved you

I was two and had just learned to speak

my first word was dean

and after that

when i was little

i always said i loved you

but as we grew older

and i went crazy

it wasn’t so much me saying it to you

as you whispering it to me

and now that i think i might be okay

i’m going to tell you

how much i love my big brother

all the time

Sam woke again, sunlight streaming through the awful motel blinds. Dean was looking at him and smiling as he hadn’t in months. “Hey baby,” he murmured in a voice still half-smothered with sleep. Sam pecked him on the lips, the kind of chaste kiss they would give each other when they were little and poked his nose.

”Boop,” he said with a soft laugh. “Good morning. I love you.” Dean gave him a gentle, funny look.

“Love you too baby. You okay?” Sam nodded, rearranging himself so he settled in Dean’s embrace with his nose under Dean’s jaw.

“I don’t think we say it enough.”

“I love you?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. I’ll make sure I tell you I love you every time I think it.” Sam smiled, snuggling for a few minutes longer until they got up to continue the trip.

you have a pointy little nose, you know that?

but it tucks against my neck just right

so i can’t really complain

it felt good to hold my baby brother again

but this is my favorite look on you

singing bon jovi’s wanted

at the top of your off-key lungs

and it makes my heart ache just a little

to think what would have happened

if i saved you sooner

and then i think it doesn’t matter

because you’re happy now

Sam started to nod off right before they reached Reno. Dean decided they could have an early night and stopped in Roseville. He made sure Sammy was still sleeping, soft snores that were music to his ears, before checking in. He woke Sam up to go in the room, a king again. Sam looked at Dean with a puzzled expression. Dean blushed. “I just think we sleep better together is all.” Sam nodded and got their other two bags, setting them on the little table. Dean turned down the covers and Sam happily climbed in.

 “Just a nap, okay Sammy? Then we’ll go eat. Burgers from a diner sound good?”

Sam nodded into the pillow. Dean took his jacket and overshirt off and climbed in front of Sam, bringing his brother close to his chest and kissing the top of his head. “Love you Sammy,” he whispered.

i don’t think there’s anything more beautiful

than the look on your face when you eat a burger

no really-it’s better than the pie look

because

i don’t know

you’re just so satisfied with such a simple thing

and i know i can’t say i love you here

because people always get so judgmental

but there’s nothing i love more

then your face

when you bite into a juicy burger

The waitress smiled at them, giving Dean an extra slice of pie when she delivered Sam’s strawberry milkshake. “You two make such a sweet couple,” she said.

Dean glanced at Sam, happily sucking on his dessert, and smiled back. “Thank you ma’am. My baby and I are on a road trip and it’s sure nice to meet people like you.” She brushed him off with a smile and a wave.

Dean looked at Sam, who stopped drinking for a minute and grinned. “I’m your baby?” Dean gave him a long look, and his eyes softened.

“Yeah. You’re my baby.”

it snuck up on me

i didn’t realize what it meant to be in love

until i looked at you

with strawberry milkshake on your nose

and i realized i was in love with you

and i know i’m going to hell

because i’m in love with my baby brother

and i don’t care because you’re so

perfect and beautiful and everything

and i wish i could tell you

but i don’t know how

“Hey Sammy, you wanna go look at the stars?” Dean said as they got in the old Chevy hot rod. Sam looked at him. Dean sensed something in his eyes and pulled him into his arms, across the bench seat. “You okay baby boy?” he asked in a very soft whisper. Sam nodded.

“Being on the road, Dean, it’s like we’re kids. I feel so sane,” he chuckled lightly, “and I haven’t felt like this in a long time.”

Dean went to kiss his cheek but Sam turned and they ended up mouth-to-mouth. Dean sighed softly, the kiss unlike any he’d ever had before. Sam’s soft lips brushed his, then he pulled away, stars in his eyes and a blinding grin on his face.

i think it makes a kind of

poetic sense i guess

that our first kiss would be

in the front seat of our oldest home

you halfway across my lap

and my hands in your hair

and i don’t know about you

but i’m flying