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Thinking too much is counterproductive and Lu Guang likes to consider himself a rather rational person. Still, he knows even he makes irrational decisions, and he may have taken on too much this time. But, listening to the soft breathing from below him, he thinks that nothing is too much if it's for Cheng Xiaoshi.
That's just a fact at this point.
That's just how it is.
Rolling over and sitting up slowly, he scoots to the side of his bed and bends over the little railing to look at Cheng Xiaoshi's sleeping face. Splayed out on his back, hair tousled and limbs spread out all over, Cheng Xiaoshi is snoring a little and mumbles something that sounds related to his newfound favorite mobile game as he turns over on his side like he knows he's being watched.
Lu Guang sighs, and does nothing to mask how fond it is despite his exasperation.
This is the man he'll bend the rules of the universe for.
At least he doesn't seem to be having nightmares right now, although he's kicked his blanket to the floor.
The thought settles his restless hands briefly and he slides over to climb the ladder down and pick up the blanket. With another brief exhale, he gently covers Cheng Xiaoshi's restful form and wonders if it'll ever stop replaying in his mind - every time he's had to see him get hurt, every time he's had to fear for his life, and when he had to watch him die.
Swallowing down a surge in anxiety, it's still getting unbearable to carry the pain in stoic silence, and whenever it does, he has to see.
Has to feel. To touch.
So he reaches out - slowly, carefully - and as his fingertips find warm skin, as he runs them down Cheng Xiaoshi's jaw, following the lines of his exposed neck and finds his pulse - steady, alive - he draws a long breath of relief.
Satisfied, he pulls his hand back, straightens up and leaves to get a glass of water.
Behind him, Cheng Xiaoshi slowly opens his eyes once hearing the light steps of Lu Guang's naked feet across the floor disappear out the door to their shared bedroom, lifts a hand to his neck where Lu Guang's fingerprints burn like imprinted on his skin, and feels heat gather in his cheeks.
This has become a nightly thing, and he wonders if there's something Lu Guang is carrying by himself.
It wouldn't be the first time.
As always, he considers asking. But it's been harder than usual to get stuff out of Lu Guang lately, and he's found it harder to ask because there's this look he gets in his eyes sometimes that makes Cheng Xiaoshi feel strange. Like he's warm, small, and big, and everything and nothing at the same time. It's hard to wrap his head around, and he hasn't been on top of his game, hasn't felt ready to take on something so complicated.
And maybe that's unfair to Lu Guang --
-- no, yeah, that's actually most definitely unfair to Lu Guang.
Rubbing at his neck, he watches the door Lu Guang must have closed behind him and makes a hasty decision, like so many times before. He gets out of bed, swings his legs over the edge with purpose, and runs into Lu Guang in the doorway - heart beating so loudly in his ears he hadn't heard him coming.
“Ah. You're awake?” Lu Guang says in his usual, composed manner, and Cheng Xiaoshi sheepishly stares at him. “Go back to bed, it's late.”
“I could say the same to you!” Cheng Xiaoshi moves aside though, as if submitting to Lu Guang's unspoken request to get out of the way, and he watches the other man nimbly climb into the upper bunk bed like it isn't weird at all that they're both awake at ass o'clock. And maybe it isn't, but everywhere Lu Guang's fingers traced his skin still burns. “Why're you still up?”
“I was reading.” Lu Guang says easily as he lays down and Cheng Xiaoshi walks up to their bunk bed, steps onto his mattress to hang over the railing to Lu Guang's bed and watch him closely.
“In the dark?” He asks, like he doesn't believe it.
Because he doesn't.
“I had the lamp on.”
“Liar.”
“Just sleep.”
And there it is. Even through the dim lights, the darkness of the night, Cheng Xiaoshi feels the intensity of Lu Guang's gaze, reducing him to nothing, making him everything.
He wants to know what that look means.
“Lu Guang.” He begins, but Lu Guang simply sighs at him and rolls over, turning his back to him. “Hey! Look at me when I'm talking to you!”
“I'm sleepy.”
“So was I, until you woke me up!”
“Well, sorry.”
“Okay. No, wait, that's not what I meant! I'm serious. Look at me. Why do you do this every night?”
“Do what? Read? Because someone has to.” But he sounds apprehensive now, and Cheng Xiaoshi clicks his tongue in irritation.
“Don't play dumb with me, okay, I mean the staring and the-- um, the touching.”
Lu Guang doesn't turn around to face him, and he doesn't reply either, so Cheng Xiaoshi continues.
“Maybe you never realized this but I'm a pretty light sleeper, actually. Maybe it comes with me being so restless. I don't know. But I do know that you've been watching me a lot lately. And sometimes you touch me. Like just now, with my neck. And you look at me with this odd face when you think you can get away with it, and-- honestly, I just want to know what you're thinking.”
Lu Guang feels his heart beat so hard in his chest it's like it is about to crush his ribs, and he slowly reaches down to cover himself in his blanket like he hadn't heard a word when every single one plays on repeat at high speed.
“Lu Guang.”
There's something in Cheng Xiaoshi's voice, something that rips the air from Lu Guang's lungs forcefully.
“I'm not thinking about anything.” Which is a bold lie, obvious enough that he hears Cheng Xiaoshi shift impatiently behind him before he's even done telling it. “Especially not right now.”
“So why did you touch me like that, then? What were you thinking when you did that? You --”
“It was nothing.”
He jumps when Cheng Xiaoshi's palm suddenly hits his arm, hard enough for the slapping noise to be positively resounding, and turns around while holding his arm, looking at Cheng Xiaoshi with wide eyes.
“Stop doing that!” Cheng Xiaoshi says heatedly. “I really hate it when you do this! Let me in!”
“... let you in?”
“Yeah, into your mind!”
Lu Guang stares at the silhouette of Cheng Xiaoshi, his bed-hair wild, his eyes magnetic, and then huffs.
“You say some strange things sometimes, you know that?”
“Well, you do strange things all the time, so you owe me!”
“Owe you what?”
“Explanations!”
And Cheng Xiaoshi can't say he expected it, or anything. He honestly isn't sure what he'd expected at all. But when Lu Guang stays silent, his face impossible to read, something is clearly building up until it bursts.
“Yeah?” Lu Guang eventually says, his voice suddenly lowering as he sits up and turns towards Cheng Xiaoshi properly. “I owe you explanations?”
“You do!” Cheng Xiaoshi insists, leaning in closer over the railing on the bunk bed. “A shitload of them, in fact! The more I think about it, the more I --”
Silenced by a hand covering his mouth, Cheng Xiaoshi is in the middle of reaching up and yanking it off of him when suddenly, Lu Guang's face is far too close. Cheng Xiaoshi freezes in place instantly, his hand stuck on Lu Guang's on his face, and then Lu Guang kisses the top of his hand softly.
It's a barely there kiss, his lips only brushing against Cheng Xiaoshi's skin lightly, but the gesture almost knocks Cheng Xiaoshi out.
Quite literally.
He blinks at Lu Guang in stunned silence for a moment before his foot slips off the mattress and he stumbles to the floor, thankfully landing on his feet and managing to keep his balance and not fall flat on his ass.
Lu Guang grabbing on to his arm to keep him steady probably helped.
“Wh-- Wha--” He stammers.
“Are you okay?” Lu Guang asks, holding on to Cheng Xiaoshi hard.
“Y-Yeah.” He manages, before looking up at Lu Guang. “But what the-- what?”
“Shouldn't I be saying that?”
“No! You just kissed me!”
“Yeah.”
And it's the hardest thing he's ever done.
Lu Guang can barely breathe, despite having made up his mind that yeah, maybe he does owe Cheng Xiaoshi some kind of explanation. He just has to pick and choose what kind, really, because there are too many things he hasn't said. Too many things he can never say.
Among them, the depth of his feelings seems to be the most accessible thing to explain, somehow. Even if he can never tell Cheng Xiaoshi how, or why, or even when.
Even if their love story can never be what it could've been, what it should've been.
Even if he might just ruin everything.
He's been slipping up, and now he pays the price.
Cheng Xiaoshi now has two burning marks on his skin, like he's still being touched - on his neck, and where Lu Guang had kissed his hand.
“What -- what does that mean?”
“What do you think?” And Lu Guang sounds so tired, suddenly, that Cheng Xiaoshi feels like he has to get it right. Like he needs to understand immediately.
Like he has to accept the most obvious explanation, even though it's crazy.
Like he can't let Lu Guang down.
“Are you-- are, I mean, do you have, like, feelings for-- are you in love with me, or something?”
“Yeah.” Lu Guang lets go of Cheng Xiaoshi's arm, closes his eyes, and sinks back into bed with a heavy heart. “Yeah, something like that.”
Cheng Xiaoshi is quiet for a long time. He even starts pacing the room in silence, and Lu Guang doesn't need to look at him to know he's thinking too hard.
“Don't overthink it.” He says, his voice coming out too soft. “It won't change anything.”
“What do you mean? That changes everything!”
“No, it doesn't.”
Because he's been in love with Cheng Xiaoshi this entire time, after all.
“You're being unfair.”
“And you're being an idiot. Just go back to sleep. You can even forget about this, if you want. Nothing will change.”
“That's not how this works. That's not how we work.”
Lu Guang opens his eyes at that, only to realize Cheng Xiaoshi has stopped walking around and instead is watching him intensely.
“Huh?”
“This isn't the past. We change the future. What you say matters. I won't forget about it just because it'd keep everything the same, and that'd be convenient to you.”
“It's not that it's convenient to me --” He lifts his head as he speaks, propping it on his palm. Cheng Xiaoshi steps back up onto his mattress, pulling himself up by the railing, suddenly so close.
“Then what?”
Then what, what?
Lu Guang looks almost small, staring back at him, and it's a look Cheng Xiaoshi has never seen on him before. It stirs something in his chest, and he continues because Lu Guang doesn't seem like he'll answer.
“I'll think about it. I'll think about it a lot. And I'll get back to you.” He pokes Lu Guang's forehead, right in the crease between his eyebrows, and Lu Guang scoffs as he waves his hand away but it lacks bite.
“You're an idiot.” He mumbles, and Cheng Xiaoshi smiles but knows it's a little uncertain.
“And you need some new insults. You're so well read and you still only call me an idiot.” He retorts, so Lu Guang sighs heavily and lets his head fall down on his pillow again.
“Fine. Do whatever you want. I'm going to sleep.”
“Alright.”
Cheng Xiaoshi jumps down and settles into bed as well, painfully aware that his head is spinning far too much to let him get any sleep, and maybe Lu Guang is right. Maybe he is an idiot for taking it so seriously when the man himself said he could just forget about it. But he knows that Lu Guang can be insincere to protect him, he knows Lu Guang takes on too much to protect him, and he knows Lu Guang doesn't hesitate to suffer to protect him.
He does so much to protect him, isn't it Cheng Xiaoshi's turn to do the same?
Truth be told, Lu Guang hadn't expected much. Within two days, he almost forgot all about it, which most definitely is the convenience Cheng Xiaoshi had accused him of seeking. But just like he'd said, nothing had really changed, and he's good at compartmentalizing things at the end of the day. He'd have gone insane long ago otherwise. And they'd gotten a case that'd taken up a lot of their time, requiring multiple dives despite being relatively simple in nature, which definitely helped him keep his mind off of it.
His failed love confession.
He's always known that Cheng Xiaoshi doesn't reciprocate his feelings.
At least not this time.
At least not yet.
He can't help but feel grateful just to be by Cheng Xiaoshi's side. As long as he lets him protect him, Lu Guang has no complaints.
That's why he doesn't think much of it when Cheng Xiaoshi plops down next to him on the sofa while he reads, spreading out like he usually does with a long sigh.
“Lu Guang.” He says, in that way which makes him resemble an attention seeking puppy, and Lu Guang hums into his book. “Are you sure you're in love with me?”
Lu Guang almost drops his book, but instead grips it harder with a noncommittal “Mhm.” that has Cheng Xiaoshi try to snatch the book out of his hands.
“I'm talking to you! It's important, so put it down!”
Letting go of the book with a deep exhale, Lu Guang watches as Cheng Xiaoshi places it top down on the table in front of them and then turns to Cheng Xiaoshi, his chest hurting.
“Okay?” He says calmly, and Cheng Xiaoshi gives him a long look.
He looks tired, Lu Guang notes, but he'd assumed it'd just been the diving.
“It's important because I've done my thinking.” Cheng Xiaoshi proclaims eventually. “I've thought long and hard about it. I can't believe you haven't.”
“What do you mean?”
“You've just gone on like it never happened!” Sounding almost accusing, Cheng Xiaoshi raises his hand to wave it around a little as he talks, as if for emphasis. “We started working on this case and boom!”
“I said nothing would change, and I meant it.”
“Why?”
“Hm?”
“Why do you want to make it such a small thing? It's a big thing, y'know!” He looks away briefly, and a faint shade of pink stains his cheeks as he mutters a clarifying “Love is, I mean.” that makes Lu Guang's chest squeeze uncomfortably.
“I don't know if it's big or small.” Lu Guang replies, trying not to let his emotions slip through. “It's just normal, to me.”
“What?”
Lu Guang isn't sure how to put it, so he hesitates, because he doesn't want to burden Cheng Xiaoshi with his feelings when there's no point to it.
“To me, it's like breathing. It's only natural. That's why it's nothing out of the usual.” He settles for, and Cheng Xiaoshi's face falls slightly as if he realizes the implication.
He's always been pretty intuitive, despite being dense.
Of course he'd get it when Lu Guang is trying to make it so he doesn't.
“You mean you…” He begins, but it's a false start, and Lu Guang doesn't need him to think too much about it.
“It just is.”
“Then, are you sure it's love?”
A dry laugh slips out before Lu Guang can stop it, and he decides to reply honestly yet again. Now that the cat is out of the bag, there's no point for Cheng Xiaoshi to doubt the nature of it.
“Yeah. I'm sure.”
Because it's actually overwhelming, it's so ingrained in him that he couldn't stop it if he tried, and no matter how much he tries to downplay it, it'll continue to fill every part of him until he dies and beyond. He can't imagine a universe where he doesn't love Cheng Xiaoshi with his entire being, when all is said and done.
Maybe that makes it a big thing.
Or maybe it's just a part of him, like any other.
He's never thought of it as big or small, really.
But if Cheng Xiaoshi does, if he quantifies it, then Lu Guang has to make it as light as possible so he can stay by his side.
Nothing else really matters.
Cheng Xiaoshi watches Lu Guang closely, his heart beating out of his chest, and honestly, there's still so much he doesn't understand. So much he doesn't know. And he wants to pry. He really does. He wants to lay Lu Guang down and read him like a book, map him out until he understands every part of him as intimately as he understands himself.
“Well.” He begins. “If you're sure, then I gotta be sure too, right?”
“I suppose.”
“It's a good thing I thought about it so hard.”
“You really didn't need to. It'd have been fine if you forgot.”
“Yeah, yeah.” Cheng Xiaoshi waves the words away impatiently, because something is surging within him now, and he can just barely hold it in. “Well, luckily for you, I really like you.”
Lu Guang's eyes widen before they close and he sighs lightly, running a hand through his bright hair.
“Well, thanks.” He says like he's missing the point, and Cheng Xiaoshi grabs his hand with both of his.
“No, you don't get it.” He turns towards Lu Guang properly, squeezing his fingers, which are strangely cold. “I like you so much, it bothers me that your love seems so calm and collected, because mine isn't. When I think about love, I think about the kind you see in movies, y'know? And, well, I think that's how I feel about you.”
Silently listening, Lu Guang lowers his head, so Cheng Xiaoshi gently props a finger under his chin to lift it back up, meeting his stormy gray gaze that seems to convey too many things at the same time.
“When you kissed me, I was really shocked.” He then continues. “I don't see you express yourself so clearly very often, but when I thought about it, everything kinda fell into place. Because I really tried, you know, to consider every angle. Like, if I saw you with other people, or if you even just said you love them, or if you looked at them like you look at me, making them feel like you make me feel… And I can't stand it. I don't like it at all. I hate it, honestly.”
Taking a small break because he's running empty, Cheng Xiaoshi inhales slowly and exhales it all in one go.
“I mean, it only makes sense that I'd hate it. You've been mine this entire time, haven't you?”
Brows furrowed together, Lu Guang opens his mouth but no words come out before he closes it again.
“Ah, I don't mean that in, like, a weird way!” Cheng Xiaoshi quickly adds when hearing how it'd come out, starting to feel a little awkward when Lu Guang doesn't say anything. “It's just, if nothing changes, if everything's the same, like you said, right? If it's like breathing to you, then you've probably felt that way for a while. And, uh, I guess I'm sorry I haven't really realized it, but, when I think back… you've made me feel the same way for a long time, too.”
Cheng Xiaoshi can't say he's seen Lu Guang look at him this way before, but the emotions it elicits in him are the same as always.
Small. Big. Warm.
So, so warm.
Like home.
“I guess I just can't imagine a world where you're not by my side anymore, y'know?” He sheepishly scratches at his chin with a smile and Lu Guang blinks slowly at him before his gaze darts away, and then back at him.
“I see.”
“Hey, I'm pouring my heart out here and that's all you have to say!?” Cheng Xiaoshi bristles up, said heart thumping loudly in his ears and cheeks heating up.
“I'm sorry.” Lu Guang offers in a rather subdued manner that makes Cheng Xiaoshi even more animated, like trying to pull something out of Lu Guang in response.
“You'd better be!” He huffs, closing his eyes, crossing his arms and turning away. “Seriously! I'm saying all this lame stuff and you're just --”
“I said I'm sorry, alright?” Lu Guang's hands are still a little cold when they trace the line of Cheng Xiaoshi's jaw, gently turning his face back towards him. There’s a tremor to them that can't be due to the temperature in the room because it's pleasant enough that Lu Guang shouldn't be this cold.
It makes Cheng Xiaoshi want to hold his hands, just to warm them up.
Because he's burning up, personally.
Even his ears feel hot.
“You're right, by the way.”
And Lu Guang's voice is low, and crazy soft, and together with his hands on his face it sends a thrill down Cheng Xiaoshi's spine and he peeks over at Lu Guang with one eye. His brows are still drawn together but there's a smile tugging at his lips ever so slightly, and his gaze is so warm resting on Cheng Xiaoshi that it almost hurts.
“I'm yours.”
Thinking too much, Lu Guang still considers himself a rational person. It's only logical to worry about the person you love, after all.
Especially when you lost them already.
But now, sharing a small bed with said person almost every night, he won't let himself get caught up in it. Instead, he'll nuzzle up close, breathe in his scent, and Cheng Xiaoshi will wake up and roll over to hold him close.
“Sleep.” He'll mumble, pressing tired kisses to Lu Guang's forehead and nose and cheeks and lips - wherever he can reach - and Lu Guang actually does.
He sleeps.
Because if he's to protect this man, he needs his strength. It takes everything to go against fate, to rebel against the universe, but for Cheng Xiaoshi, he'll give it all up again and again if it means he gets to hold him one more time.
That's just a fact at this point.
That's just how it is.