Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

All the boys in the band started out small, with childlike wonder, they all had this dream of becoming big and being famous, they wanted to share their artistic abilities, and they all loved making music and seeing all the fans.

However as the band grew and got more fans, some of them who loved them a little too much, they had this overwhelming pressure to be perfect and make everything about the music and the fans. Make their concerts not for them but for the people who came to watch them.

They all handled the stress differently, some didn't even handle it in any way, and let it bottle up inside them. One of them is Louis Tomlinson, he handled the stress and fame by making over-the-top jokes, messing with the managers, and disrupting interviews. He wasn't even sure why he was like this, the whole idea of being perfect and being viewed by the fans as perfect, made it seem possible he could do no wrong. He started smoking, drinking, and fucking up his life.

At one point after an interview one of their tour managers came over to him, told him to quit it all, quit all the pranks and jokes, quit drinking and smoking. And he wanted to, but he wasn't so sure how to. He wasn't sure he could ever fit in as he wanted, be who he wanted, without being the so-called troublemaker.

So as anyone would do, he went online, searching for coping mechanisms, he found lots and lots, but none seemed to fit into his daily, hectic, life. He couldn't take hours a day doing self-care, they had shows, interviews, fans and albums to make time for. The whole band hasn't had a day off in months, they were closing in on 400 shows, all across the world. They were flying, sleeping, playing shows, and repeating. Nonstop working.

Harry saw how stressed he was, how he wasn't taking care of himself as the other boys were, he was worried about what might happen to him, if he didn't stop it. He could barely sing shows when he was stoned out of his mind, and Harry was worried that the fans might notice is lack of initiative.

Harry also took to the internet to search for help, he even found some forums and pretended he was a normal person, just working a hard job. And that was when he found it, Age regression, it sounded weird for starters, not sure how he could see Louis reverting back to a childlike state, but he would do anything for the boy.

Harry decided to keep it a secret that he knew about this, and he wouldn't tell the boy how to live his life, maybe hint at getting help or finding different ways to cope. But he was not going to control him.

Chapter Text

Louis' day started out as normal, waking up with a headache, he always found them In the morning, his doctor said it might be the stress, but he didn't worry too much about it.

He took some painkillers and went on with his morning, singing in the shower and practising their new songs. He really loved being actively on the album, he hasn't had this many lines before so he was so excited to announce the album and play it on tour.

A knock was heard on the door to his hotel room just as he got out of the shower, he was probably late again, he wasn't the best at waking up on time, and they had a plane to catch.

"I'll be out in a second!" He yelled and rushed to put on clothes, he also had to pack his bag. He had so many things with him, he needed to be entertained somehow and didn't like only using his phone. So he had his Nintendo Switch with him and his guitar, which he rarely actually played unless it was the middle of the night.

As he closed up his suitcase he heard another knock, this one more gentle and soft, which meant it wasn't one of the managers or tour staff. He opened the door slowly and saw a smiling Harry, he was always so soft and gentle, he should have guessed it would be him.

"The plane leaves soon you ready?" He said as he looked around the hotel room, all his things were packed but it still looked messy as hell.

"Yeah I'll grab my suitcase and be right down, do we have time for a smoke break before we leave? Itching for one right now." He saw Harry smile, but it looked forced, Louis knows Harry doesn't like him smoking, saying it hurts his voice, but you gotta do what you gotta do, that's his motto at least.

"Probably, let's hurry then. Do you remember your charger? Don't want to lose it again."

Louis checked his pockets and didn't find it, hurriedly looked at the bed and saw it lying there. He smiled at Harry and thanked him, he doesn't know how but he always forgets it and gets grumpy.

When they reached the car, Toby, their tour manager, already had a pack of cigarettes for Louis in his hand, he smiled, took it and lit one. He heard chatter in the car and they sounded annoyed, the other boys were probably worried about their flight.

Louis decided to take his sweet time, not caring if they missed their plane, he really didn't care about much these days, he was kind of giving up, not sure how long he could hold on with all of this.

He stomped out his cigarette and entered the car and all the boys when quiet, as if they were talking secrets, Harry smiled sympathetically and nodded for the driver to start. They reached the airport just in time to get through security and get on the plane before it left.

Another day another flight. Louis was unbearably annoyed at how they were always on the go, he missed home and home-cooked meals, not that he knew how to cook very well, but he still treasured it.

As he sits in the plane next to Harry he notices him looking at him, almost adoring him, Louis doesn't dare to look him in the eyes but he can see his sweet face looking at him, his lips curved up into a small smile, and see life in his eyes. Louis knows Harry loves this, he loves being one with the music, loves being a part of something so big. He also knows Harry doesn't stress much, he's one of the calm ones, next to Zayn, they are both just going with the flow, doing things how it feels.

He knows Harry sees the stress on his face, he can see through him like no one can, and he can see why he makes trouble and irrational choices, but Harry also worries. He knows that. He has always had a crush on Harry, since the beginning with how fascinated he was with music, how his angelic voice would spring free when they were alone, and his shyness when they were on stage. Louis made him be more himself, especially on stage, he allowed Harry to be out and wild, but he also knew harry liked being quiet, felt like he only said something when he had to, or when he had too many thoughts that kept his head spinning.

The boys knew each other very well, especially those two.

He opens his phone just to get Harry out of his mind, he doesn't want to keep thinking and being guilty, he knows he doesn't really fit in with the band, he is smaller and weaker than the others. They have more confidence than him, he always fakes it, and he thinks they may be better off without him. But then again, his doctor says he is too stressed to be working.

As he opens his phone it unlocks the browser, he forgot he had that open before sleep, guessed he didn't check his phone this morning. He searched about coping mechanisms, and things to do to help yourself feel less stressed, most of those things don't fit his everyday life, but some seem interesting. He keeps reading and finds more and more, some of them he can't do, like drawing, he isn't artistic at all.

As time goes on and he gets tired of reading, he clicks one last link, this one is a Reddit link explaining what age regression is, he has never heard of it before so he is interested, but as he keeps reading he understands less and less. Is this actually something people do? Does it help with stress? What would others think about it? He has so many questions, that aren't answered in the link, so he goes to search more about it and sees that it's approved by therapists as a good method for stress and trauma, he doesn't have any trauma, or so he thinks, he can't remember much from when he was younger, but that's normal, right?

He reads for the remained time of the flight, which is only about 45 minutes, but he learns a lot. He sees that people can revert their minds into a child one, feel all their adult thoughts go away, he wishes he could do that, wanting to be in this childlike wonder again, never anxious about the next day.

When the text says that it can help with alcohol misuse, he gets even more intrigued, he knows he can't be drunk or high with every show, and that he has to learn to love what he does, he also knows he can't bear the thought of doing it fully sober.

"Hey, Lou it's time to get off, you ready?" Harry nudges his shoulder slightly, not wanting to disrupt his deep thinking, Louis just nods, grabbing his back and phone to get out of this small plane seat.

They have a show this evening in Manchester, he has always loved English shows, maybe because they are closer to home. Or they just feel better because that's where their fanbase started. He feels more loved in England than some others, he knows he isn't everyone's favourite but he feels a bit more important in these shows.

Harry saw what Louis was reading about, he wants Louis to try it, try to be safer in his mind. To feel calmer and taken care of, but he also knows he can't pressure him into it, he has to take it in his own time. so Harry decides to have a little closer look at Louis, wanting to be close in case he wants to try it.

They get to the cars and are separated because they need a bodyguard in the car for some reason Louis doesn't fully understand. He ends up sitting between Harry and the bodyguard. He feels safer with Harry than with the bodyguard so he leans closer to him, almost cuddling up against him. They have known each other for 3 full years now, and they feel so connected, he feels so good when Harry takes care of him.

Harry will hold him and sometimes carry him to the showers when he is dead tired, he will make him food or go buy it. Maybe that is why he is so keen on trying this age regression thing, he feels safe being cared for, especially by Harry. Maybe he can talk to him about it?

As he thinks more about it he opens his phone to read more, there must be something about being taken care of or how to ask about it. He really wants to try it out and see if it can help with his stress and addictions.

Harry can feel Louis snuggling closer to him, almost sitting on top of him, he knows Louis feels safer being close to him, he has shown it a few times, like when he chooses to be with Harry backstage instead of the other boys, they are closer to each other than o the others. He just wraps his arm around the smaller boy, always ready to give him comfort and help, he feels happy taking care of people, especially Louis, he just feels connected on another level.

As he looks down at Louis he sees him squinting at his phone, he does that when he concentrates on reading, Harry has noticed it before when he's reading lyrics or writing them. His eyes squint and his mouth quirks upwards, it is surely adorable. And Harry loves it.

"How to ask someone to be your caregiver" Is the title of what he's reading, Harry smiles to himself, happy that the boy has found something that Harry might be able to help with, he has read up on being a caregiver for a little, and how to help them regress. He feels comfortable doing it with Louis, cause he already takes care of him in some ways, he helps him, and if he could help him regulate his emotions and feelings, so he wouldn't go to alcohol and drugs, he would do anything In his power to do so.

Louis keeps scrolling and reading, not noticing that he has shifted closer to Harry, but he feels safer and more comfortable like this, so he leans into Harry a bit more, loving the comfort. His heart beats a little slower, feeling safe so close to Harry, and feeling like he doesn't have to think about any worrying thoughts, cause he has Harry.

"Hey, Harry?" Louis suddenly asks they've been sitting in silence, Louis scrolling and reading and Harry looking down at Louis and his phone, peeking at what he is looking at.

Harry just nods and hums, to make sure Louis knows he is listening. Almost ready to say yes as if he was going to ask him to be his caregiver now, but he probably wouldn't, if he had just learnt about it, Harry doesn't want the boy to lean into it too fast, it needs to go at his own pace, and Louis is kind of slow to regulate.

"Could we go out to eat tonight?" Louis says with a small voice as if it were something to be ashamed of.

"Of course Lou, where would you like to go? I think if we drive in Micheals's car we won't get recognised, how does that sound?"

"Anywhere they have pizza, I'm craving cheese." He says with a slight laugh, he doesn't even know why, but he just feels like getting out of this life for a few moments and being normal, being able to go to a normal shitty pizza restaurant and live a private life without being followed by millions of paparazzi.

"That's doable, I'll talk to Micheal about borrowing his car, he will probably say yes." Harry smiles down. The rest of their trip is spent in comfortable silence.

Louis can't help the little smile when he sees Hary triumphantly jog back to him with car keys in his hand, of course, he could charm Micheal into borrowing his car, Harry can do that, he has so much charm that he can make anyone do anything, except for the other 3 boys, they know his little secrets and can almost smell it on him. But for the management, fans and Louis, Harry has all the control.

Louis loves it, he loves seeing him so happy and proud that it worked, even though it almost always does, but it still makes his heart beat faster and feel warmer.

"You ready? I looked at maps and saw some small pizza restaurants close by, they might be awful but let's try it!" Harry says with a smile, he is always so enthusiastic when he talks, and he loves that, the feeling in his chest hearing Harry talk is so amazing.

Chapter Text

I'm so sorry, i'm in the us so i totally forgot to update!

Louis looks longingly at Harry, all these emotions he has pent up trying to escape, he hasn't had a drink in almost three days, and he has so many urges it is bothering him, but he said he would try for the UK leg of the tour, wanting to be sober as much as possible.

Harry has the same kind of thoughts, even if he isn't staring at Louis he keeps thinking of him, worrying about him, he wants Louis to like the life they are living, but how can he if he is itching for a drink all the time?

They reached their destination pretty fast, it only being a few minutes away, and the only hard part was finding a parking spot, they're in the middle of the city, so not many parking spots.

Harry rushes out and opens the door for Louis, giving him a slight smile as he does, Louis blushes a bit, he finds it adorable how sweet Harry can be. Loving all the affection, he hopes there is more to come, even after he asks Harry.

"Thank you Hazza." He says with a grateful smile and pink cheeks.

"Anything for you Lou." And Louis hopes he means that.

He wants this night to go perfectly, so when he is giving the drinks menu he swiftly gives it to Harry, not sure he can trust himself not to buy alcohol. Harry gets it and orders them a small soda each, and gives the waitress the menu back, already knowing what pizzas they want.

"One cheese and one with mushrooms, thank you, also could we please have garlic on the cheese pizza?"Harry smiles and is confused when the waitress looks bewildered at them, they are both hoping she didn't realise who they are, they don't want this place to storm with fans. But she looks at them, walks away and with a quiet voice says "As you wish...Ew, garlic." Which makes them both burst out in laughter, they were so worried for nothing, and of course, she is going to judge Louis and his garlic, Harry does sometimes too.

But Louis loves his garlic cheese pizza too much to care about others' opinions. Even though his breath does smell absolutely awful afterwards, he would never get anything garlic on a date for example, but when with Harry he knows it won't matter, Harry has seen him in a much more vulnerable state than just with bad breath, and he hopes he's going to stay when he gets even more vulnerable with him. He just wants to be taken care of, is that too much to ask?

He contemplates if he should just blurt out his thoughts now and hope it doesn't go bad, or wait till he has collected his thoughts, he practised this whole ordeal in his head so many times, but now that he is actually doing it he feels small and inconvenient.

"Hazza..." He starts, meeting Harry's eyes, they are beautiful, he could gaze into them much longer than stars, they have so much colour and feeling.

"Yeah, Lou? What's up?" He says taking Louis' hand, smiling gently, hoping to somehow calm his nerves a bit, even though he probably can't do much without saying what's on his mind, but he tries.

"I was looking online a few days ago, and you know how I am with the drinking and drugs, and I think I need to stop, and uh... and..." Louis starts mumbling when he gets to the end, too nervous to say the things, he wishes Harry could just read his mind. Why does this have to be so difficult?

"Lou... You know you can talk to me about everything, don't hesitate ever! Just let it all out, and yes, you have to stop soon, I can't handle seeing you in this much pain and emotional distress, do you need help with stopping?" Harry hopes Louis can hear the genuine tone in his voice, not wanting to be too harsh to him, Louis has never said openly that he wanted to stop drinking, which is a huge step for him, and Harry adores that.

All he ever wanted for Louis is to find some ways to be himself but without the help of drugs and alcohol, he needs to be sober and himself, which can be a struggle for him. But Harry just wants to see him happy and himself as a whole.

"I practised this like a million times but I can't even remember what I was going to say now that I'm here and supposed to be saying this, but I have been trying to find some coping mechanisms to help me ease out of this addiction, but I'm not sure I can do it on my own... So would you.. would you..." He stops to take in a breath, steadying his heartbeat, he needs to just let it out, it can't hurt him. He hopes.

"You know, help me?" He blurts out fast, being too vague, but it will have to do for now.

"With what Lou? I will do anything in my power to help you stop because it is hurting more than yourself. But I need you to be more specific, hun. You need to tell me your thoughts, remember I can't read your thoughts." He says after gently taking his hand, he knows Louis needs comfort right now, he needs all the help he can get from the man.

"so, uh, I've been reading about a thing called 'age regression' and I've heard that it can help a lot for people who are anxious or have addictions, and I was wondering if I could try it... with your help?" Louis' voice shaking at the end, but he got it out, it was now or never he thought.

Louis was shyly looking up at Harry, looking for any signs that he was going to hate him now, but he only saw a fond smile. Which confused him, did Harry already know about this? Would he try to be a part of it? So many thoughts ran through his head, that he could barely phantom what came out of Harry's mouth when he spoke.

"Of course Lou, I know a bit about it myself, if anything I can do will help you feel better I will try it with you! You know I would do anything for my little boobear."

He was going to say more, but the waitress came over with their pizzas, making them both blush, they were having such a personal conversation in such a public place, but it didn't look like she cared, just placed the pizzas and left with a small "have a nice meal."

They both looked up at each other's eyes, Louis was happy he finally got it off his chest, and Harry was happy Louis found the courage to talk openly about his struggles and methods.

"Oh god, I can smell the garlic way too much, why do you always order that!?" Harry said with a low chuckle, he knew not to tease him too much about it, but it surely was stinking of garlic.

"Oh shush, you know you want a bite anyways," Louis said, the mood lightening much more now that he had spoken out about his troubles. He felt like this could work, which made him feel even fonder for Harry. So glad that he was taking it so chill, and that he wanted to be a part of it, it made him smile with a mouth full of pizza.

Chapter Text

As they were both munching on their pizzas they didn't talk much, just a few jokes in between bites. But it was mostly silent looks being exchanged between them, both of them with a fond smile on their lips.

When Louis finished his pizza, four pieces before Harry, he thought maybe he should start up how this age-regression thing should work out. But he was unsure how to start it.

Harry was thinking the same thing, as he saw the gears turning in Louis' head, he was obviously thinking very deeply about something, probably the conversation they needed to have.

Harry thought he should be the first to bring it up, he knew how nervous Louis got by being open and out, which is why it took so long for him to ask Harry for help.

"Hey, so I was thinking maybe we should talk about how this thing is going to work out? I have read a little bit about it and I actually thought it would help you before you brought it up, but I wanted to make sure it was right for you," Harry started, he wanted to be open and truthful with him.

"Mhm, so you know about it? Like how it works? I'm not sure I know fully how I should get into the... the headspace, you know, cause I've never tried... But I feel safe with you so I feel like it would work out well," Louis mumbled, he wanted this to be a much more private talk than they could get in a small pizzeria with people around them, but he also felt safe knowing no one was really paying attention to them, and no one to barge into their hotel room like with the boys. So i was nice being more alone, even with people around them.

"I know a little bit, I've searched up on it since I saw you getting this bad with the alcohol, but it might take a while for you to get into the mindset and feelings of it, and it will take a while for it to fully help on the addiction you have," Louis hated that Harry so openly could say he had an addiction, he feels so awful with the pain he might have brought onto the other boys with his need to be buzzed all the time.

But Harry was right, from what he had read it takes some getting used to. He was willing to try, he would try anything at this point, and he knew it would make him feel better being small. He has had the thoughts before that the websites were explaining.

"Do we need like... Rules? I've read some people do that, and I think it would help me a little bit more, to have some limits to it. I was thinking we could just start slow, trying to get me into the mindset first then start building on it, how does that sound to you?" Louis said with a slight smile, one that Harry returned gracefully, he always looks so cute smiling, and his eyes really shine when he does.

"I think it's a great idea to start slow, I was thinking we would just head back and I'll take more care of you, make sure you eat and those things, and help you with anything. Maybe cuddle and make sure you know you're safe and it's alright to regress, and be small." Harry said, to Louis, it seemed like he knew a bit more than he let out, he must have been thinking of it for longer than Louis, or simply done more research.

Louis was very happy he had Harry to confide in and that Harry was so accepting.

"Yeah let's do that, if you're finished with your pizza can we head back to the hotel? Kinda tired, and we have a concert tomorrow, oh no I haven't even learned the words to the new song! What am I going to do?" Louis silently panicked, he was too exhausted to deal with learning more lyrics, he had been trying so hard to get it right, but with everything going around he only knew his first part.

"Lou, calm down, it'll be fine, when we get back to the hotel we can figure something out with the lyrics, I know the whole song, if you need I can sing the few lines you don't remember," Harry said with a quiet calming voice, he always knew how to calm down Louis, it was great.

"Sounds like a good idea, I'll get the bill maybe you can find the car and wait outside? I don't want to walk too much." Louis said, he knew that the reason he was so tired was the alcohol he hadn't consumed, it always made him more energetic and happy, guess that has to stop now.

Harry just nodded and slipped out of his seat, three pieces still left on his plate, Louis couldn't phantom how he could survive on less than one pizza, Louis always ate so much, but he never gained much weight.

As he paid the waitress looked at him weirdly, did she listen to what they were talking? Or maybe she was still weirded out by the garlic... Who knows.

He handed her the cash and said a sweet goodbye, and when he walked out he saw the light right in front of the restaurant, which made him smile, he really appreciated Harry sometimes.

"Thank you Haz, and thank you for taking me out to eat, it was nice to live more like a normal human and not a celebrity," Louis said as he slipped in the passenger seat, he sometimes missed being a normal high school boy in Doncaster, he could be out and open without worrying too much about the public knowing every little detail of his life.

Back at the hotel, the boys greeted them happily, they wondered where they had been.

"Just out to eat, we needed a little break from this life, Louis is really tired so how about we chat more in the morning? If you guys don't mind I'll share the room with Louis, we still need to figure out the lyrics to the new song for tomorrow," Harry said, all the boys nodding and saying goodnight.

Louis was almost asleep as Harry had changed out of his clothes into some fleece pyjamas, Louis changed right before and looked adorable in his simple white tee and fleece pants, it was their normal sleepwear since it gets cold sleeping alone in a hotel room.

"Hey Lou babe, we still have to figure out the lyric change, how about you sing what parts you know and I'll fill you in or talk to the coordinators tomorrow and I'll sing the parts you don't know?" Louis blushed slightly at the nickname, he felt so loved when Harry called him sweet things like babe, or simply when he said Lou in that quiet voice he had.

Louis nodded and sat up, clapping his cheeks a little bit to wake more up. Afterwards, he started singing their song, well the parts he knew, which wasn't a lot in his tired state, but he found out he knew almost all except his last verse, the one he had all to himself, which was rare.

Louis was never given big parts in their songs, even though he was a co-writer on almost all the songs for their album, but then again, he was usually drunk when on stage and never sang as well as when he was sober.

But as Harry started to help him he felt the overwhelming pressure to do well, he was sober now, and he had to act better and be better, if not for himself then for the fans.

He couldn't keep being this drunk troublemaker, he had to be better, be a real idol, someone that the fans could adore and who they wouldn't hate. He really tried in the past, but it all became too much, he wasn't the only boy out of the five boys to start drinking, but he was the only one taking it so far, and doing drugs. He was high in almost every interview, which made him a liability, and the managers didn't like that.

"Thank you, Haz, for everything. Really, thank you." Louis said with a tired smile, he was grateful for how sweet Hary had been to him these past few years, never judging him like the others. He must apologize to them soon, he really had fucked up.

Chapter Text

Louis went to bed around an hour ago, and Harry has been pacing the hotel hallways since, he wasn't sure how he could be protecting him when he went to bed like that, Louis was crying for fucks sake! 

Harry suggested they go to bed a bit early and then sleep in more, they had to leave pretty early to get to the venue in time, but Louis was itching for his weed, he knew he should quit and not be high but it helped him sleep, and he needed that. 

The show was being held in a huge venue, and Louis was nervous, he knew the fans would love them no matter what, but his anxiety was making it hard to breathe, weed usually helped with that. 

When Louis was slipping on his shoes to head out, Harry stopped him, he knew why he was going out and he really wanted Louis to stop with the weed and other drugs, but he wasn't sure how. 

"How about we lay and cuddle and I can sing you some lullabies instead, make you feel safe and comforted? I don't want you to darken your lungs more and make your head cloudy just to sleep, you need to be able to feel safe in yourself." Harry lowly said, almost in a whisper, like it was some bad thing he caught Louis doing. 

Louis' eyes started to tear up, a few drops rolling down his cheeks as he put down his shoes, he didn't want to disappoint Harry,  but it was so hard. 

Harry scooped him up in his arms, Louis being smaller than the strong man made it easier, and he loved that he could just pick him up, like a little kid. It made Harry smile fondly.

"Okay..." Louis said, and he was laid down and the comforter squished around him as Harry started humming, Louis finding it natural to cuddle up to Harry's chest. 

But in Louis' head the thoughts were racing, he couldn't keep them at bay. His tears started to roll down onto Harry's shirt and the comforter, he couldn't stop crying, he just felt so overwhelmed. 

"Shhhh Little one, it'll be alright, just try to breathe with me, yeah?" Harry quietly said, he knew that Louis would be filled with worry and anxiety, but he didn't know it would be this bad, that is probably why he smoked so often, to not feel or think as much. 

Even though Harry was comforting Louis, and he felt a little better, he couldn't help but let a small sob escape, he just felt so much. What if he forgot more lyrics than he already had? What if Harry thought this whole age-regression thing was a bad thing? What if it was too much for him? 

As he started sobbing more Harry's hand began soothingly moving down his back, he knew Harry wanted to comfort him but he just felt too much at the moment, but even then he snuggled closer and let the man comfort him. 

The song started out with humming and a few words until Harry's soothing voice filled the room and made everything soft, making the smaller boy feel safer than he had in a long time, he felt whole, even with tear-stained cheeks and wet eyes, he felt like it might be okay, that everything might work out. And with that, he fell into such a peaceful slumber he didn't notice Harry had left the bed. 

His feet were cold, but he could care less about his feet, Louis was the only thing really on his mind. How had he never seen how broken Louis was? Never seen the many demons that linger behind every shadow. 

He now understands why Louis took to drugs and alcohol,  and he knew it might become harder now that he was stopping. Harry determined to help the boy any chance he could, be there for him through everything. He truly adored the other boy. 

***

A slight knock on their door woke Hary up, he wasn't even sure what the time was, it seemed to still be dark outside. But he got out of the tangled mess he and Louis were in and opened the door. Niall was standing on the other side with a smile and a big plastic bag. 

"I brought you guys something, so I know Louis has been feeling bad and I heard him sniffling earlier, so I bought him some little chocolates and a stuffed bear, you know like the one he had at his mum's place? Yeah one like that, and a new pair of socks, he was complaining about holes, anyways, I didn't want to barge in if you guys were asleep, just did a little bit of morning shopping," Niall rushed out in his thick accent, Harry smiling back at him, he really was a good friend.

"Thank you, Niall, yeah I somehow convinced him not to smoke weed late last night and he had a small breakdown over it, but I think we are fine now. I'll bring it to him, do you know when we are leaving?" Harry spoke as he closed the door behind him, not wanting to disturb Louis' sleep. 

"Of course mate, anything for you two! And James said in 2 hours when I left, so probably one and a half now. I'll get back to packing and you guys can meet us in the foyer," Niall said with a wink, why wouldn't he be a little cheeky?

The bed started rustling and Louis popped his head up, confused about why Harry wasn't cuddling him anymore, he was probably on his morning run, he did that often.  When he saw Harry at the door, which just closed, he thought maybe he slept in too long, his heart began to beat faster with the anxiety entering his chest, he could feel all his worries from yesterday night come crashing down at the exact moment Harry turned back to the bed, and he couldn't help the tears that welled up in his eyes. He just wanted a break.

Harry, who was unaware and still looking down at the things in his hands, began to speak, "Niall brought you some things, he heard you sniffling yesterday and wanted to cheer you up, what do you-" Then he looked up at the boy and saw the little tears roll down his cheeks, and he began to worry, "Hey what's up? What's wrong love? What has gotten you all emotional?" 

"I don't know, I just feel so much. I just want this to stop, I need a break, Haz," Louis said with wobbly lips, not even knowing what he needed a break from, probably his feelings, but he was not sure how Harry could help with that.

"What do you need a break from? We only have a few shows, then 3 days free, would those help?" Harry asked helplessly, he wished he could just take the pain and suffering away from the boy, how could he ever let it get this bad?

"I don't know, I'm just so anxious and I feel so unsure about everything, what if this isn't for me?" Louis said stifling his sobs. 

"If it doesn't work we will find something that does, there is something out there for everyone, even you. I know you feel helpless and unsure, but we can never know until we try, and I'll do anything for you to feel at ease."

"Really?"

"Yes, always. I should have stepped in before, but I didn't know if you would confide in me," He said with sad eyes, Louis tended to be very distant emotionally, only talking about his emotions with him, he still didn't talk about it a lot, but at least he tried to open up. 

"Can we just lay down, maybe talk about how it would work?" Louis muttered, Harry nodded and sat down at the headboard. Louis scooted up to him and leaned his head on the taller man's shoulder, it felt nice being close to him, he hadn't been this close with anyone since his mum passed. 

He had this fake mask of confidence he would put on in front of everyone like he couldn't be hurt if he just tried to be too much. Tried to pretend he wasn't freaking out inside and silently just wanting to leave. He would never be vulnerable like this, but after the conversation they had at the pizza shop, he felt he could drop it and be vulnerable and soft with Harry. 

"I did a bit of reading, and it all depends on which age you regress to, if you regress smaller you might need diapers or pull-ups, which would also give you a sense of security, you wouldn't have to think too much about making it to the bathroom, but if you are older it might not be needed, how do you feel about that?" Harry started, glad he could be open with his ideas, knowing Louis also did research and knew about it, it wasn't a fully new thing for him. 

"I think I would like that, I was pretty slow at getting out of night diapers as a kid. Would it be always or only when in headspace?" Louis would be mortified by this talk if it was with anyone else, but it seemed to flow seamlessly and without any fuss. Harry wouldn't judge him. 

"That's your decision darling, we can do whatever feels better for you. I won't mind any of it, and I was thinking of getting maybe a little nursery sat up in our apartment, so we could have all the things you feel like. You know I want to spoil you." Harry said, opening his phone

"I also made a list of rules you might like, you can add on to them or remove them if they don't fit for you, but I think we shouldn't enforce them until you are stable in your headspace," He said, and showed Louis his phone, he had written a few rules down that he thought might work, also just some notes for them both.

1. No drugs, weed, or alcohol, alcohol only in small doses when Harry sees fit. 

2. Smoking cigarettes is only out of headspace.

3. When upset tell Harry immediately, I want to help you feel better.

4. Give notice if you feel like you are slipping, I want you to be in a safe space first.

5. Eat regularly and drink at least 2 litres of water a day.

6. Cookies and candy are only as a treat, don't whine if not getting candy. 

7. If you feel urges for drugs, alcohol, or other, tell Harry immediately. 

8.  You are allowed to do almost everything, as long as you don't hurt yourself.

9. No spending money without me. 

Louis nodded, he was unsure at the first rule, it would be difficult to fully stop after such a long use. Otherwise, he thought these rules were good and easy to follow. He was more worried about the punishments, he didn't want to get hurt if he couldn't keep sober.

"We can always change them or add and remove some, let's just do whatever fits," Harry said after a bit of silence, Louis just nodded, not feeling like talking anymore, he just wanted to cuddle into Harry until they had to leave, but then he remembered he came in with something in his hands. 

"What did Niall buy?" Louis mumbled, not making any signs of moving from this very comfortable position. 

"Oh! He brought some new socks, a bit of chocolate and a teddy bear, he was worried you were missing your mum, your home. So he brought a few things, if you let me up i can get them for you?" Harry spoke softly, in his low slow voice. Louis groaned a bit then moved away so he could get up. 

He walked to the door in long strides, picked up a few things and Louis instantly remembered all the good times he had with his mum when he saw the teddy bear, a small sniffle got out, he missed his mum so much. But now was not the time for tears, he decided. 

"Those are some horrific socks, why did Niall get me those!" Louis laughed when he saw the green socks with bananas all over them, he couldn't help it, they certainly were awful. 

"I think they are rather fitting actually," Harry smiled, he couldn't even hold in a laugh when Louis gave him a "Really?" look. 

At least the mood got a bit lighter, maybe that is just what Louis needs, a bit of fun and silliness. 

Harry gave the teddy bear and socks to Louis, the smaller boy instantly hugging it to his chest, he really had missed having a teddy bear. The socks were disregarded, not in any way important to him.

Harr decided to be a little bit playful, throwing the box of chocolate on him, and laughing when Louis somehow caught it, which is crazy, Louis never knew how to catch things, not even a ball. 

He is much better with his feet, really knowing how to play footie. He kind of misses it, just running around with a ball between his feet, getting all his frustrations out in the field.

"These are my favourite chocolates!! Remind me to thank Niall when we see him again, now come here and lay with me until we have to go. Please?" Louis said patting the spot next to him, he really just wanted to relax and cuddle, he needed that. 

"Yeah of course hun, we lay for a while then we have to get up and finish so we can leave for the show. Does that sound alright to you?" Harry said plopping down on the bed next to him. He hoped Louis would be okay without being drunk on stage. In the past few years, he has been drunk or high in every show, so this is going to be rough on him. 

They laid down and Louis rested his head on Harry's head, just trying to relax his nerves, he really wanted this to work and be alright, but his anxious thoughts were louder than the positive ones.

He ended up just curling fully into Harry's side and let him comfort the smaller boy. He really needed to just be safe for a while.  

Chapter Text

As Louis was almost fast asleep there was a knock on their door. Micheal rushed them a little bit, they needed to go to soundcheck and see the stage to make sure everything was alright. They haven't been on stage for a few days so it was kind of weird being back and needing to sing for such a big audience. 

Louis whined and hid his face in Harry's chest, which he was still glued to. He loved being so close to him and felt the safety of being himself. At the same time, he was worried about slipping around Harry, he had been reading about how it is and figured out he had half done it before. Which is good, he knows how it works then, and how it helps ease his thoughts. 

"Come on Lou, we need to get up and ready, you'll be fine yeah?" Harry said gently rubbing a slow hand over his back. 

Louis just groaned and turned around laying on his back, he was really comfortable and now he has to get up and do his job, which he loves but it does take a toll on him. 

Harry chuckles and gets up, gathering the few things Louis had around the hotel room, it wasn't much but he still wanted to make sure he remembered everything.

"I might wear Niall's awful socks for the show, it would be funny, right?" Louis chuckled seeing Harry pick them up with disdain, they were funny but certainly not his style. 

"The fans would go  crazy, you do know they are going to think it's your favourite thing in the whole world and keep buying them for you..." Louis looked at him smiling, which made Harry confused. 

"They will probably think I'm gay, which would be funny to explain to Simon. He tries to keep it hidden so much." And at that, Harry burst out laughing, he knew how touchy Simon was at the subject of those two being gay. 

"I think everyone knows we are gay already, though," Harry mumbles, he doesn't mind being out but when it's all the fans talk about it gets tiring. 

They finish packing up and go to the lobby of the hotel to meet the other boys, who are chatting about the show and how they hope it'll go. They are all excited to sing the new song before they release it, they want it to be hyped up like crazy. 

"Hazza!! We've been thinking of wearing those bandanas like the fans are, what do you think?" Niall shouts out when he sees Harry. He just sighs and shakes his head in amusement, there was no way he would join a fan project like that, especially if he had to choose someone other than Louis, and even then, the fans might think more of it than it actually is, he does love Louis but he doesn't want the world to know all of his feelings, not before the boy himself knows. 

He doesn't like that the fans are so invested in all the boys' love lives, so why can't they just have fun and only be the stage person? Why do they need to show all their feelings and secrets to the whole world, Harry doesn't like that. 

"Maybe not Niall, you would be sad when you realise you aren't everyone's favourite!" Harry chuckles after seeing the defeated look Naill has, even though it was all fun and games, all the boys had some insecurities, which a lot of the fans would bore into. Niall was so worried that he was the least liked in the band, it would eat at him at night. 

They all had so many insecurities, and it made it so much worse when they were shown to the whole world, everyone would know how they felt about everything. It could be overwhelming at times, especially when meeting fans in the street and they bring up these insecurities. 

Louis nudges Harry a little, to get him out of his thoughts, it seems like he has been stuck thinking for a few minutes while the others just rambled away. But Louis noticed he likes knowing Harry so well that he can notice when he gets lost in his thoughts. And all the other small things about him. 

Harry just looked down smiling at the boy, feeling better when looking into his sky blue eyes.

"Come on guys, we are ready to leave!" Liam yelled at them, they were stuck looking at each other and not noticing the other boys left for the car, or well bus.

Louis felt safe enough to slowly lean into Harry as they sat down on the sofa in the tour bus. After the talks they had, he felt so much more safe around the taller boy, he could feel his head getting a bit cloudy like he was underwater but was still seeing clearly. He had read that some littles describe the feeling as being underwater, safe from all the adult thoughts. 

He didn't mean to slowly slip into his headspace in this setting, but he couldn't help just wanting to try it, he wanted to try and feel it. He already liked the feeling of his thoughts being simplified like he was just a kid thinking. He could feel his legs and arms feel heavier with every second, soon almost laying on top of Harry's side. But he couldn't fully slip, it was like something was holding him just above the water, making sure he was conscious. 

Harry could feel Louis relaxing into his grip and leaning more into his arms, it was a nice feeling, but the Louis he knew would never do that in front of other people than the boys. And right now there was their tour manager, security guard, and a few of Liam and Zayn's friends. He was so out of his comfort zone, so how could he be so comfortable and relaxed, Harry thought it through but couldn't find a reason, well, unless he was slowly slipping into little space, which would be good for him to try, but maybe not this second where there were so many other people. 

"Hey, Lou, how do you feel about us watching a movie in the last room, hm?" Harry said gently, not wanting to rustle the boy out of his headspace, he was so proud that he was trying this out, and never wanted to scare it out of him. 

Louis just looked up with hooded eyes slowly nodding, grabbing a fistful of Harry's shirt. Louis wasn't sure what his mind was thinking, or if his mind even controlled his body right now. He didn't mean to be clingy but his brain was telling him to grab Harry's shirt and be close to him, he wasn't even sure why. 

 When Harry stood up and brought Louis with him, his mind cleared a bit, he could see more and be more conscious of his movements now, which he was happy about, but he did miss the feeling of being small, hopefully, Harry will let him when they get to the other room. 

"Hi, baby, how are you feeling? A bit small?" Harry said as he sat down and pulled Louis onto his lap, the smaller boy just nodded and nuzzled his head into Harry's chest, he was feeling oh so safe and comfortable on top of Harry. He never wanted to leave this spot ever. 

Harry knew, by seeing his reaction to his question, that Louis was pretty small right now, and while they weren't fully prepared, Harry had a few ideas on how to keep him entertained and comfortable while being little in the tour bus. 

Harry went online and started searching for websites that had little space items, and he found one that was just 20 minutes away from their next hotel, which was great. 

While he was shopping on his phone, his other hand was slowly stroking the smaller boy's back and slowly playing with the ends of his hair when his hand got there. 

Louis was feeling oh so little and so comfortable, he just felt loved, his head filled with just feelings of being close to his daddy, he never wanted to leave this spot. 

They sat like that for a while, at least until Louis felt a sudden urge grow in his tummy, he wasn't sure what it was so he decided to ignore it, not wanting it to ruin the comfortable place he was sitting. 

But as it grew more and more he couldn't sit still and started wiggling a bit, a thing Harry took notice of, he didn't think much of it when it was just once every few minutes, but as time went it became more constant. The little boy realised he had to pee just as he felt the wetness of his boxers.

From all the wiggling from Louis's side, Harry was sure he had to pee, and he soon realised he was right, he felt the warm wet spot grow on his thighs as Louis started sniffling, suddenly feeling very bad and anxious. He just wet himself on Harry's lap, which was mortifying, even if his little mind didn't know better, he could feel all the adult and anxious thoughts come into his head. He wanted comfort. 

"Oh, baby, it's okay! It'll be okay, oh, honey." Harry said with pity, he knew if big Louis was here he would be mortified, which probably meant little Louis could feel some of big Louis' feelings since he was starting to let out a few sobs here and there. 

Harry lifted the boy up and sat him on the seat, glad that their sofa was made of leather and could easily be cleaned up. Then went to the little closet and grabbed a few towels, while Louis was sitting with wet pants and tears streaming down his face, he knew if he cried louder the other boys would hear him, and he wouldn't want them seeing this. 

So he kept his crying as low as possible, but Harry could see the miserable feeling on his face, his face all crumbled up and filled with tears and snot. He just wanted to comfort the boy and do anything in his power to make him feel better. But he should probably start by wiping him down and getting him to age up so he could shower. He really didn't want Louis to see his first experience like this, like a bad thing, but he will be better prepared next time.  

As he placed the towels on the other end of the sofa, he went to Louis and crouched down, lifting his hands off his face. 

"Hey, baby, I need you to age up, can you do that darling? We need you to get a little shower before we start getting ready for the show, can you do that?" 

"Have to be big?" Louis mumbled in between tears, his mind was a confused mess, not sure what any of his thoughts were, big or small. 

"I'm sorry, darling, but yes you do, but what about when we are done with the show, me and you have a little movie night!" Harry tried to distract Louis with something good to look forward to, hopefully, that would be enough, he knew it was a bad time for him to slip right before a show, but he couldn't just not let him sink into the feeling.

"Yay! I choose movie?" Louis said with a little smile playing, he knew exactly what movie to watch! He had wanted to see 'Tangled' for a while now, and this was the perfect excuse. 

He knew he wasn't 100%  little and could age up quickly, but he wanted to savour this feeling and try to remember it for tonight, not fully lose it while they were having a show. 

"If you age up and promise me to be safe during the show you can choose both the movie and the snacks!" Harry said with enthusiasm to in some way hype the boy up, even if it would first be in a couple of hours, he wanted it to end on a good note. 

"Okay, gimme a minute pwease?" Louis said closing his eyes, he tried focusing on the feeling of his body, how long his legs were and his feet touching the ground, which helped him feel bigger in his mind when he could picture his adult body. 

Soon enough Louis looked shyly up at Harry, a blush creeping onto his face as he saw the proud smile the older man had, he wasn't even sure why he would be proud, but he wasn't going to ask, scared he might ruin it. 

"Can I um, um, shower?" Louis cleared his throat, the wet pants and the dark spot on Harry made him feel awful, he knew he wet himself, but seeing it made it so real, made the humiliation real. 

"Of course, I brought out a few towels and some clean clothes for you. You shower first then I will and we can get ready for the show. I estimate we will be here soon. 

The smaller boy took the towels and clothing before scurrying off to the tiny shower they had. While he was showering he thought about how it felt being regressed, how it made him feel more safe than he ever has felt. Maybe this is the one thing for him. 

He really hopes this works out.

Chapter Text

"Come on you two! We are leaving now!" Niall said while knocking loudly on the door to the back, Louis and Harry were sitting cuddling on the couch after the little mishap earlier.

Louis was feeling embarrassed about everything happening, so he just mushed his face closer to Harry's neck, he needed comfort.

He somehow felt closer to Harry than he had in a long time, he knew that if Harry saw him in such a vulnerable state and didn't leave, he might never leave him, he might stay even though there is much more chaos and hardship to come.

He wanted to stay here forever, it was so nice and warm, and it really felt safe, but Harry had to start moving and rustling him out of the warmth.

"Come on, bug, we have to go sing for many thousands of people!" Harry said enthusiastically, even though Louis wasn't as excited as him, and the fact that he hadn't performed sober for a few months, he still felt good about it. He felt like he could manage it, it wasn't a bad thing.

"Okay... fine, I'll get up, but can we at least cuddle afterwards?" He said looking down, what if Harry didn't want to?

"Of course! Sounds like an amazing plan, Lou." He said instead of turning him down, Louis looking shocked at him, he actually wanted to be with him and cuddle him? Thats new.

Louis blushed and looked away, he knew Harry would tease him about him being a blushing mess soon enough, so he would hide it any way he could. The boys already teased him about it.

Harry chuckled, obviously seeing the blush creep up on his face faster than Louis could react, he found it absolutely adorable and always wanted to see that shy little smile and blush on his pretty cheeks.

As they got up and stretched, Harry gave Louis a little smile hoping it would help him be more comfortable without being drunk.

Harry knew it is going to be a really hard show for him, especially if he sees some of the other boys take their usual drink before the show, but he wanted Louis to know he is going to be there no matter what, he will be there even when he is sobbing over it or when he is happy and fine, no matter what he will be there for him.

He had found this new overly protective side, and he wanted to protect Louis from everything that could ever hurt him, he knew that wasn't healthy so he wasn't going to but he really wanted to.

They go to the start of the bus and see the boys chilling on the sofa there, waiting.

"We are here now, shall we leave?" And they all cheered, all being ready and hyped up for the show, they were always like that, pumped up and feeling like on a sugar high. It felt great, especially when you have had something to drink or smoked some weed, but Louis knew he couldn't do that, not now, he had to at least try for a few days before he could say he failed.

"Okay pipe it down, we need to get to soundcheck and then we can all cheer, did everyone remember to clean their ears?" He snorts, he needs to still be seen as the funny one who makes jokes all the time, he needs to be kept afloat so he doesn't divulge into drinking.

They all laugh and make more jokes as they move towards the venue, they know there are fans outside of the venue waiting for them, they've probably queued for days just to see them for a few hours. It makes Louis shiver, just thinking about why people do it, that the fans look up to him and the other boys, that he needs to be better, if not for him then for the fans, he needs to be someone they can look up to and not be discouraged and wanting to drink or smoke, he doesn't want that, especially not in someone so young as most fans are.

He wants to be a positive influence on them, he can't be such a fuck up and be as famous as he is.

"Hey buddy, you feeling okay?" Harry asks quietly taking his hand, Harry's hands are always so soft, he likes it.

"Just thinking, I shouldn't be such a big influence on these kids' lives. I can barely take care of myself and I smoke, do drugs, drink, it's not a good idea..." He trails off looking into Harry's deep eyes, seeing that glimmer of sadness when he mentions the drugs, Louis knows it's such a bad idea, but it's hard when addiction runs in the family, he tells himself.

"Darling... It'll be alright, they don't have to know about those mistakes you've made, they only need to know what you want them to know, and if that is portraying that you are living life well, then let's do that. You are working towards a better life, which is a start!"

"But what if they figure it out, I know some of them have started smoking cigarettes because me and Zayn do, it's not good!"

"I know it's not good, but we can't control what they decide to do with their life, we can only guide them slowly into a path, but it is their own choices, we aren't the gods of their life."

Louis just shrugs, not sure what to do with this information, he wants to trust Harry, it is just so hard, he knows these fans think of them like they are gods, they look up to them. How can it not be his fault then?

"I know, hun, I know," Harry mumbles as he moves Louis into his grip and hugs him. Why did he have to be so worried, Harry wishes he could take that away, he knows he can, just not yet.

"So... I was thinking we could just hang around in the dressing room while the others mix their drinks. So you wouldn't get the urge, how does that sound?"

"You would really do that for me?" Louis mumbles into his shoulder, he can't imagine why Harry would take away such a special moment with the other boys, just for him.

"Yes, I would, now let us get this show going!" He says staring into these blue blue eyes.

They all meet on stage, looking at the empty arena, they are playing in here, with thousands of people in front of them in just a few hours, it is surreal.

Soundcheck starts and Louis can feel the itching and shakiness of his hands and throat, he needs a drink. He isn't sure he can stop himself if there is alcohol in the dressing room, so he swiftly goes to Harry, who is checking his microphone. "Can you come with me to get a drink?" Louis says in such a small voice Harry barely hears him, he turns around and sees the slightly panicked look on Louis' face.

"Of course! Do you need anything else?" He whispers following Louis to the dressing room, "No I just wasn't sure I could go in here without mixing a drink, and I didn't want to, I want to succeed at this..."

They silently shuffle into the dressing room and Louis gets a bottle of simple water, he can't help but glance at the bottles of liquor standing next to the water, wishing he could just have one drink. But no! That goes against this whole ordeal. He needs to keep trying.

"Harry... I... I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with this, how can I stop drinking when we all do our pre-show rituals?... There is always alcohol involved with that..." He says fidgeting a bit with the capsule of the water bottle, he can't believe he is being so vulnerable with Harry, he is actually asking for help.

"Oh, darling, you can do it, just drink a virgin drink! I can mix one for you and you can be in the rituals as much as the others, you will get through it." Harry encourages, stepping towards him and holding one of his hands, "Look at me, Lou." And Louis looks up into his dark green eyes, feeling a little less on edge just from his comforting eyes.

They both get a water bottle and head back to soundcheck, Louis feeling like he can do this show better now that his head isn't as clouded.

Harry sneakily tells all the other boys to wait with the alcohol until right before the show, so Louis won't get tempted, and they all agree, without telling Louis about this little trick.

After soundcheck, they all sit and chat about everything and nothing in the little dressing room. Zayn lays down a few minutes in, still tired. Liam snuggly sitting next to him, a lazy arm draped over his legs. Louis sits on the carpet by Harry's feet, and Harry's hands in his hair. It's a comfortable presence for Louis, he isn't thinking of alcohol. Niall is, as always, eating a pizza.

"Ten minutes ETA" Micheal yells out while Zayn is taking a short nap, which makes him jump up and bump into Liam who was sitting next to him, they all start laughing at that.

"Okay let's get ready and eat this show up!" Niall yells throwing his pizza greased hand up in the air.

Chapter Text

The show goes great in the first half, they are running around singing and having a great time. The fans are really engaged and all the boys remember their lines, so far at least.

When the time comes for their new song to be sung Liam stands up in the middle, tall and smiling; "We are so amazed by you lot! This is a great show for us to sing our newest song! It will come out in 3 days from now on, I hope you lot love it, cause we love it and I for one am ecstatic for us to sing it today!" He yells and raises his arms, showing his happiness and excitement.

Louis sneaks a peek at Harry, who is standing and admiring the crowd. He does that often when he isn't singing, just staring out with a little smile on his lips. Louis loves it.

But Louis is anxious, he knows logically it should be fine, cause the fans don't know the lyrics and won't know if he sings them wrong, well, until they hear it for real. But he is still slightly shaking from the anxiety cursing through his veins.

What if he messes up? What if the other boys hate him? What if he stutters and they know he is nervous? His mouth is dry, he really needs a drink, especially alcohol. That would calm his nerves and make it more bearable to feel these feelings, they might not even be there if he just had one drink, or two.

As he hears the music for the song start blaring through his in-ears, he feels a slow warm hand rubbing his shoulder, he instantly knows it's Harry's. Louis turns around and looks Harry dead in the eyes, almost begging silently for just one drink, for Harry to take all his thoughts and anxiety away, but he doesn't.

Harry just smiles sympathetically. Louis' eyes are begging him, and he feels like it might be for a drink or a smoke, or just for freedom in some way, he doesn't know how to give it to him.

They are on stage so they can't be as touchy as Harry feels they need to. He wants to hug Louis and let him nuzzle his tired face into his shoulder. But no, they have to pretend to be bros.

He wants to be able to give Louis the comfort he needs, just sucks that he can't right now. Instead, he takes out Louis in-ear and whispers in his ear; "It'll be alright, darling, just breathe, it will be over soon and you can rest. We practised it, remember?"

Then Louis nods and forces a smile, but isn't sure who he is trying to convince. He will definitely mess this up.

Harry makes the little movement of an exaggerated deep breath to show Louis to breathe. Louis gets the hint and starts forcing himself to breathe deeply until it is his time to sing.

"Louis, in three... two... one..." His in-ears say as he moves the microphone up to his mouth, he hears the start of the verse and smoothly sings it, when it gets to the other end of the verse he seems on edge. His thoughts are running wild, worried about which lyrics are the right ones, but he tries to sing whatever fits best. And by the smile Harry and Zayn give him, he wasn't that far off.

The little smiles he gets makes his confidence go up, and he starts running around a little more. He is jumping and looking into the crowd, taking in the good feeling there is booming from these fans. It is great.

The countdown starts in his ears again and because he got the first part right he doesn't worry as much, he just sings. And it was good until the end line where Liam's head snaps towards him with worry and a little annoyance shown on his face. Louis instantly feels regret and sadness down on him, and tears fill his eyes and his throat closes a bit, he feels like he can't breathe.

Harry doesn't notice and keeps singing the next verse, which is his, Louis loves it, but he feels petrified and can barely stand up.

Liam doesn't understand why Louis just stopped up and froze, he wants to check up on it, but Louis has been different these past few days, and he isn't sure why. He knows he's been trying to quit drugs and alcohol, but didn't know he actually stopped.

The song ends and Louis is still standing, frozen, where he was. The boys all go around him and start whispering into the microphone, pretending this was a thing meant to happen, and snickering about it. In reality, Harry was nuzzling Louis into his chest where he was letting all his tears go, he just wanted peace in his mind.

His vision gets more and more cloudy and within minutes he can barely see. It starts to fog up his brain too, making all his feelings so, oh so, fuzzy and comfortable. He doesn't care much that he is on stage and there are over a thousand people who can see him, his mind feels like such a safe space, so he gives in.

"Mmmm!" He whines into Harry's chest. Not even sure what it means himself. This setting isn't what he is used to, he has no idea how to get away from this place, the stage.

He takes his little fists up and messily wipes the tears away, Harry notices and whispers to the others that Louis needs to go backstage, not giving them any reason though.

"Come on, darling, let us get you comfortable backstage, how does that sound?" Harry mumbles as he gets closer to the little one's ear, Louis just nods, not really sure what he wants or needs.

The crowd has died down a little bit, not sure what's happening with Louis. The cameras are pointed away and onto the crowd to give the boys some privacy, well as much as they can get on a huge stage in front of a massive group of people.

They start moving and the crowd goes crazy again, thinking something is going to happen. It makes little Louis scared and he whimpers, Harry just holds his arm as he leads the little clumsy Louis backstage.

"'m scared..." Louis mumbles, he can still feel all the grown-up feelings and he doesn't want to. He just wishes he could fully disconnect and be little, but right now is probably not the time...

"Oh, darling, there is nothing to be scared of, we will keep you safe!" Harry shushes, slowly taking him over to a couch and sits down with Louis on his lap.

Zayn who followed them backstage, looks worried at Harry, who just mouths "Small," hoping Zayn might understand.

He does and slowly slips away and onto the stage where the two others, Niall and Liam, are making jokes and trying to keep the crowd cheering for now.

"Louis is feeling really bad so the rest of the show is going to be without him," Zayn whispers into Liam's ear, after taking his in-ear out.

Liam just nods and starts hyping the crowd up. Thinking they can wait a little bit with the message, he doesn't want the fans to be too discouraged about it all. He wishes he could be at Louis' side and help him through whatever it is, he thinks, but Harry is there to keep him safe. Liam had never known Louis to be one to break down so easily, he was always loud and happy-go-lucky. It was so strange to see him crying. And it was on a stage in front of so many people!

Harry can hear the crowd fade away as the door closes and he leans toward Louis, holding him tight in his embrace. Never wanting to let go of him ever again. With the crowd being less loud he notices the small sniffles of the little boy, he just rubs his arms up and down Louis' back, hoping to comfort him.

They're sitting there for a few minutes, Louis lying sprawled out on Harry's lap with Harry's big strong arms around the small boy. Harry is slowly breathing in deeply, and rubbing the poor boys back. Louis goes from sobbing to sniffling in mere minutes, then looks up with tear-stained cheeks and red eyes; "I haf water?..." He says quietly, his throat is sore from sniffling and crying, even though it was just a few crocodile tears.

"Of course little one! Let me up and I'll grab you a bottle yeah?" Harry mentions for him to sit on the sofa next to him, but Louis never wants to leave this embrace, he whines and leans more into Harry's chest. He is just so warm and comfortable, way better than any water could ever be.

"Okay, okay, I'll grab it later, we can cuddle for a few." He chuckles and wraps his arms around the boy again. Pulling him towards his chest so the boy can rest his head.

Micheal comes in and sees the boys cuddling up against each other, it isn't weird for him to see, they get so lonely and touch starved they often cuddle together, especially in big piles on couches.

He just steps over to Harry and whispers to him; "what happened? Is Lou okay?" Harry just nods, not sure how to explain the situation to him right now, and he wants Louis' consent to share the news with people. Even though most of them must know after this.

"Can you tell the boys we won't be out for a few songs, and to keep the show going? I'm going to wait till Lou sleeps and go back out." Harry says lowly, not wanting to disturb the little boy lying limply in his arms.

On the other side of the wall, on the stage, the rest of the boyband is sitting in a circle humming melodies. They wanted to chill out the crowd for a little bit, at least until they knew what to do with the situation at hand, so they thought doing acapella versions was a good idea.

After a song and a half Liam sees someone waving at the side of the stage, he slowly gets off the floor and creeps over there, the fans obviously noticing and start screaming again. '

"Louis and Harry can't make it, can you guys do a few songs then Harry can join in?" Micheal says, Liam simply nods and goes back to the stage, motioning for the boys to stand up. He whispers the same news he got to them, and they all decide to let Zayn sing Harry's lines and Niall sing Louis' parts.

"Hello! Is this on?" Liam jokes, the crowd screaming out and laughing. They are loud today.

"We are having a bit of trouble," He says, taking a breath in, how should he tell them this?

"Louis won't be here for the remainder of the show, but Harry should come out in a few songs! Let's not let this ruin our fun night, love you all so much!" Liam sings out, the crowd cheering.

This should be fine, Liam thinks.

Chapter Text

"Hey bug, lay down with me yeah?" Harry mumbles into Louis' head, he wants to be there with Louis, rubbing his sensitive back and soothing him. But he also has to go out back on stage, the fans and other boys need him. It's complicated, he isn't sure what is more important in the long run, but right now it is making sure Louis gets some rest.

"Mmm, otay," Louis whispers, not making any move to lie down, but snuggling closer to Harry instead. He just wants to be close to Harry, he is oh so tired though. Maybe a little nap couldn't hurt.

The little starts moving around to lay closer to Harry, who just gently pushes him down on the sofa, he knows the little boy needs some rest, he has had a tough day.

Harry starts slowly moving Louis' legs away from his and shuffles to the end of the sofa, he does it slowly so as not to rustle the boy more awake, but he still opens his blue eyes wide.

"Nu! Stay!" He whines, little grabby hands shoving up into Harry's shirt. He just shushes the boy, moving his arms to caress his head and tummy, soothing movements to make him more sleepy.

Harry sits down on the floor beside the couch, still rubbing his little tummy, the smaller boy reaching up a thumb to his mouth. Harry can't help but awe at the sight, he needs to get his little one some pacifiers and diapers.

He shuffles his legs under him and opens up his phone, searching and searching for stores close to where they are, that might have adult-sized diapers, and he finds one, they actually have everything a little could ever want! The website gets saved so he can access it at other times too.

He messages them quickly asking if they can get things together for him to pick up after their show, he wants these things before they leave town. Surprisingly they answer fairly quickly, after a few minutes, and say they can pack it, leave it at the coded door, and give him a code to get in halfway. He smiles in triumph.

As he looks through all the pacifiers, he gets a bit overwhelmed, not sure which one Louis would like, as he has never had any interest in things that are "for babies." So he guesses. Bluey and Adventure Time must be something he can handle, and they look absolutely adorable.

He orders a few, okay maybe a bit more than a few, he wants to spoil Louis. When he looks through the stuffed animals, he sees a little cat that is identical to his old cat Dusty, and he has to get it, no matter that it isn't Louis's cat, he still knows Dusty really well.

The onesies pop up on his screen and he blushes, Louis would look adorable in them, but he isn't sure Louis would actually wear them. But imagine a little Louis, uncoordinated and adorable, running around in a bear onesie, just having the time of his life. Harry wants that, to see Louis being carefree and adorable.

Harry isn't sure when this started, but he has in a way gotten into this "Daddy role" And he actually feels more himself. He just wants to take care of Louis and make sure he is safe and fed, he needs Louis to feel better.

He would platter little kisses all over his cute face just to make him giggle, to make him smile. He is worried when Louis does things that might be dangerous, like dancing too close to the edge of the stage, there are many things Harry just wants to shield him from, but knows he can't unless Louis is small.

He would never force anything on big Louis, but small Louis is a different side, he will be the one calling the shots there, and he will be there to take care of him.

The onesies get a second look and then he swiftly adds one to his cart, can't hurt.

"Mmm," Louis whines and aimlessly grabs his arm out toward the older man, who can't deny holding Louis, so he starts rubbing his tummy again, not sure when he stopped.

The blush creeping onto his face just gets worse when he gets to the diaper section, he knows little Louis needs them., but he is also worried about what big Louis would say to him for buying literal diapers...

He decides not to dwell on it too long and just adds a couple of packs to the cart, glad he knows the size of Louis's waist. He accidentally keeps listening to Marceline, who is in charge of their wardrobe, talking about Louis's size, and how he needs to gain more weight. But now it seems to have paid off.

There erupts a little snore from the boy underneath him, just as he is typing in his card info, still while rubbing Louis's little tummy. He can't help but let out a little chuckle, glad that even though he is Little he still snores like a bear.

"Hey I put in the order, under the name Styles, would it fit if I come and pick it up say... around ten pm?" He says quietly, not wanting to disturb the sleeping boy. The nice lady gasps a little, he probably recognises him now, oh no.

"Of course! The code is 2828, just remember to slam the door closed, it sometimes doesn't lock if you don't slam it. Also, I am so sorry to ask this, do you want me to change the name on the order info so no one knows it is you?" The Lady says, he can hear the little smile from just the way she chirps at him, even though it is so late.

"That would be great actually, thank you so much!" Harry says, maybe a bit too loud. Louis whines a little and turns on his other side, clutching one of the pillows, with his thumb still in his mouth.

They hang up and he snakes away from Louis, whispering to Micheal to call to him through his in-ears if he wakes up before the show is finished.

With fast steps, he gets to the side of the stage, gets his in-ears on again and a microphone in his hand. He is ready to do this!

They're playing No Control, which makes him smile. When his time comes he slowly walks onto the stage and he can hear the shrieks of every fan there is, they must have missed him.

He can't help but laugh a little, which somehow makes the crowd louder. They really do love him, it boosts his ego a little bit.

They sing the song and Harry starts dancing at the end, really feeling the euphoria of being on stage again.

"So as you know, Louis had to go, he is feeling really sick, so he won't be able to come out on stage again tonight, I really hope that is okay! Send him your get-well messages on Twitter and he will be tip-top for the next show!" Harry says into the microphone, getting everyone's attention. They scream and clap again, some yelling "I love you Louis" Loud enough for them to hear, he just hopes their screams don't wake up Louis, wouldn't be good if he woke up right now, not when they only had a few songs left.

They end up reading signs and talking to the crowd way more than usual, wanting to give them something special now that they are missing out on Louis.

The show ends and Harry stops everyone just at the edge of the stage.

"Okay so, Louis is sleeping, and I swear if any of you wake him up I will not talk to you for a day!" Harry threatens, not that it's an actual threat, he isn't good at those.

The boys know it must be something serious though, just by the tone of his voice, it's harsh and not as soft and slow as usual. They get worried, what is wrong with Louis? But just carry on walking to the dressing room, they all whisper lower the closer they get.

"How about we change out of these clothes and go to a bar, yeah? Give Louis some time to sleep this off." Liam says, already moving to take his shirt off. The boys nod, not sure what to say other than agree.

They shuffle quietly, or they try to, into the dressing room to take off their sweaty clothes. No one says a thing, just for the respect of Louis, he must be feeling sick they all think.

Harry quickly sits down next to Louis to see the little boy still having his thumb in his mouth, slowly bobbing, he seems fast asleep, so Harry can go grab the stuff he ordered.

"I've got to run for a few, call me if he wakes up yeah?" Harry says, throwing on a jacket and grabbing his shoes.

"Yeah, yeah, you guys can go to the bus I will stay with Lou," Zayn says, he looks like a disaster, his hair is not sat in a perfect wave but is messy around his head, and he still has sweat beads on his forehead, and honestly looks like he needs sleep.

The others nod and Harry rushes to the store, he gets there and sees that they have all kinds of furniture for adults who are littles. Kind of makes him think how normal it actually is, if there is a whole store for it, it must be common.

As he is punching in the code, he can feel the vibrations of his phone in his pocket. Not thinking much of it, he decides to ignore it, can't be that important when it's so late in the evening. The door opens with a small click and he gets into a sort of hallway, where he can see a box with a big piece of paper taped to it saying; "For the kind man, glad you remembered the code," and a smiley face, he thinks its for him and grabs it.

It strains his muscles when he has walked roughly 10 minutes with it, and decides to stop for a second putting it down, that's when he checks his phone to see many miscalls from Zayn and a few text messages from Micheal.

His eyebrows shoot up in worry, something must have happened to Louis! He is still pretty far away and decides to call a cab, it comes fast and he sits anxiously in the seat, fidgeting, he shouldn't have left Louis, not in the state he was in.

"Just stop here, thanks," Harry mumbles and quickly throws the money at him while getting out, he rushes inside the venue and finds Louis sitting hugging Zayn, with big tears rolling down his face.

"Oh, Lou, Come here," He whispers and sets down the package, the second Louis hears him he lounges toward him, just wanting the older man's love and protection, it was so scary, to wake up now knowing where you are, and not being with the man who told you he would keep you safe.

Louis was fussy, still not calming down after being in Harry's arms for a while and being bounced a bit.

Harry thought it must have been the scare that happened, so he motioned for Zayn to scoot over so he could sit on the sofa, still with the sobbing Louis in his arms. He wanted to give Louis a pacifier and a nappy on but wasn't sure if he wanted Zayn to know, they are so close though...

"Hey Zayn, would you mind giving us a minute? We will join you on the bus later, is that okay?" Harry says, rubbing Louis' back.

Zayn nods and smiles while he gathers his things, not saying much, he is a quiet guy anyway.

When he finishes and leaves, Harry sits down with the boy, who starts crying more when he is separated from the man, he just wants to be close to him! How can he not understand that?

"See what I brought you little one!" Harry exclaims fake excitement in his voice, trying to hype Louis up.

Even though he was still crying and many tears running down his thin cheeks, he opened his eyes and looked curiously over to the man on the side of the sofa, he was a bit intrigued.

"I got you a few pacifiers, I hope that's okay," Harry says shyly, even though Louis couldn't care less he still felt shy buying babyish things for him.

Louis gets all excited and starts jumping a bit when he sees the Adventure Time pacifier, Harry gets closer to him and pops it into his mouth, it instantly starts bobbing and Louis seems calmer just by the second. That was a relief Harry thinks.

Harry starts unpacking a few things he will need to diaper Louis, and picks out a nappy with a little puppy on it, probably from Paw Patrol, but he doesn't know.

"Lou, hun, can you lie down so I can get this on you?" Harry says caressing the boy's leg, Louis looks confused at the man, like he doesn't understand what he is saying. So Harry gently pushes him down so he is lying on the sofa, then reaches for his trousers and rolls them off together with his boxers.

Louis whines, but Harry isn't sure why, he does nothing to stop Harry so he keeps going, gently moving to tape him up.

"See there darling! All good now," He says, blowing a little raspberry on his sunken tummy to make the boy giggle, and it certainly did.

Louis starts wiggling around, the new feeling of having a nappy on is weird, but he feels more secure. Now he can't have accidents!

A dopey smile finds its way onto his face, he can't help but stare up at the man who he feels so safe with.

"There my little boy is, do you want pants on again so we can go to the bus, huh darling?" Harry says, knowing Louis probably won't give much of a reply, but he gets surprised when Louis sits up with a little pout on his face.

"I no no wanna! Pant dumb!" He says, looking like he is already ready to start full-on sobbing again. Harry just shushes him, that was sudden, Louis has never had any hate for pants or an article of clothing, guess little him is different. It makes Harry chuckle, Louis is going to be so mad if he carries him onto the bus like this, but he can't say much right now.

"It might be a little bit cold, hun, but we need to get to the bus, can you handle that?" Harry mumbles rubbing his leg and looking him deeply in his eyes.

"Yes! Can haf candy?" Louis says with the cutest, most convincing little puppy eyes. And who is Harry to say no to that? He can't have his little baby be all hungry for candy, can he?

"Only if you follow our rules, okay darling? And only a few pieces!" Harry says moving Louis into a sitting position, ready to carry him to the bus.

"Otay! Candyyyy" Louis almost squeals, always happy with a bit of sugar.

It was weird for Harry to see Louis so excited for candy, he never has been one for a sweet tooth, might be because he was always so stocked up on alcohol and cigarettes that he never had the urge for candy like all the others do.

Louis is so excited for candy, but he can barely contain the sleepiness that still lingers, and rubs his little eyes with his sweater paws. Which Harry catches up to and makes a note to bring him to bed right after his sugar high, he can't have him being cranky for not sleeping enough.

"Weeee" Louis says lowly when getting picked up and sitting on Harry's hip. This was new for Harry too, he had only carried Louis's younger siblings like this, and at that time they were very much smaller than he is right now.

Harry makes a note to tell Marceline to grab his box full of Louis' little-space things when she packs up.

As they wander through the more darker corridors, Louis clings closer to Harry, he doesn't want to dark to take him away. Which Harry can sense, so he just pats his padded bum a little more to calm him down.

With the slow swaying and rhythmical pats, he feels the sleepiness come back, and he can't resist letting out a little yawn while rubbing his eyes with his fist. He is just so tired! He isn't even sure why, it's just hard being so adult sometimes.

They get to the outside door and Harry gets ready to face the colder air, and a whiny Louis. At least for a few seconds until they're at the bus.

"Baby, it's gonna be a little cold, but only for a bit, so no big fuss okay?" Harry says gently while swaying a bit. Louis just nods and stares up at him, his eyes still a bit red from crying and a paci in between his lips. It's going to be hard to explain to the boys...

Chapter Text

"Mmm Is cold!" Louis whines when the cold air hits his uncovered legs, Harry just shushes and hurries to the bus, but stalls when he gets to the door, not sure how the other boys would react to this. What if they aren't okay with it? It is kind of sudden. Nothing was leading up to this kind of coping mechanism, Louis has never shown any interest in babyish things, and is always high on drugs or drunk, how would they understand?

Would they kick them out of the band for being "too weird"? It worries him, he isn't sure what to do without the band and music, he needs it in his life. Now that he has finally found something that he is good at and actually matters to do, how can he just let it go?

But he can't just leave Louis alone to fend for himself if he also gets kicked out. He needs to be taken care of. He needs help to keep being sober, both from alcohol and drugs, he needs to be safe. And how can he be safe and sane if he loses all that he has worked for? Harry knows Louis really loves this band and loves to perform, it has just gotten too much, but if he lost it all, there is no way he could stop him from drinking.

Louis' legs start shaking a little bit, and Harry notices that it's been at least a few minutes of him thinking of this, and decides just to rip off the bandaid and walk in.

Louis hides him in Harry's neck, his big feeling still here, he is still embarrassed about this but doesn't fully know how to handle it, so he whines and pushes into Harry. The man just caresses his leg and shuffles inside, putting his stuff down by the sofa.

"Zaynie!" Louis says when he sees the men sitting on the sofa, Harry chuckles, knowing that right now Louis and Zayn are very tight, they just know what the other is thinking, all the time. It is endearing to look at, it makes him so happy. To see these two boys who were complete strangers, start to learn each other so well that they know everything that happens in a matter of seconds. Everything the other person is thinking, so fast. It amazes Harry.

Zayn doesn't seem to mind and smiles widely, putting his arms out ready for the boy to be sat in his lap. Louis wiggles, trying to get out of Harry's grasp, so Harry carries him over to Zayn and plops him down. Louis just nuzzles into Zayn, loving his scent.

"What's up little man, huh?" Zayn says, and it almost makes Harry think that Zayn knows about regression, and knows that Louis is not in his normal headspace. Harry's eyebrow quirks up as he looks at Zayn, maybe it isn't as strange as it seems.

Zayn looks up at him and slightly smiles while nodding, which makes Harry sigh deeply. It feels like he can finally breathe, all his worries are gone, well almost gone, if one person in the band is okay and knows about it, maybe it won't be too bad with the rest of the boys.

"Hazza gave me a dummy!" Louis says proudly, showing off his Adventure Time Pacifier to everyone, which makes Niall snort, but Louis doesn't notice it. Harry just shakes his head at Niall, knowing he needs to talk to him about it.

"Yeah! Glad you like it, hun!" Harry says smiling widely, seeing Louis so happy and carefree makes him happy, he has seen Louis be too sad and overwhelmed too often.

Harry says bye quickly and goes to grab the box of nappies and other little space stuff he bought.

He doesn't ever want to see Louis beating himself up over some silly little things, doesn't want to see him struggle just to have fun and be himself. He wishes Louis could stop drinking and smoking just for a little while, just so he can start living life without being under the influence, living life as though he has more than a few days, living as if his life actually has a purpose.

Harry just wants to see him happy, being himself and being comfortable, but he knows it might take a while before that happens. Louis is so hooked up on these drugs for them to be able to make life "More livable" as he says. Which Harry doesn't understand. How can you need to be so drugged up you can barely open your eyes, to live a good life? If you're so hungover every day that the only thing you can stomach is more alcohol, how can you live with that? How can a human survive on only drugs and alcohol? Harry has many questions, he doesn't need an answer but does need Louis to consider that there is a life without all this pain and suffering.

He can live a happy life. Harry hopes.

Harry gets shaken out of his thoughts when he enters back into the bus, and he hears a little whine from Louis, and small tears welling up in his eyes.

"Oh, no, what happened huh, lil buddy?" Harry says swiftly picking him up to sit on his lap while still on the sofa, the boy just wraps his small arms around him and sniffles into his neck, not saying what's wrong just whining.

"This is honestly so weird, I can't phantom this right now," Niall says and leaves to go in the backroom, and Harry can feel a small sob go through the boy, why did Niall have to speak so loud?

"Oh, buddy it's okay, he will understand, just sit here for a bit yeah?" Harry says rubbing his back soothingly. Louis just nods and leans his head on Harry's shoulder again. He's not feeling like saying anything, he just wants to be comforted by the bigger man.

Why did Niall have to say that? Louis doesn't understand why he isn't seeing him like usual, Niall is always so friendly and likes to chat with him, so why not now?

But in his smaller headspace, he isn't really sure what any of this means, other than that Niall left him.

"Zayn, do you mind grabbing a blanket so I can lay with Lou for a bit? Don't want him getting cold," Harry mumbles, looking at Zayn pleadingly, he just wants to comfort his little boy.

Zayn being the great friend he is simply nods and goes to grab one, sitting next to Liam afterwards. Liam and Zayn have this unspoken bond between them, Zayn just fits in with him and Louis.

When Harry has snuggled Louis all up in the blanket and still rubbing his back soothingly, he says a quiet thank you to Zayn, who seems to understand his sincerity.

They start talking, in low voices so, as to not wake up Louis too much, they want him to just relax for a little. When they start discussing the new songs and album that's gonna come out, Zayn starts rambling, he is so excited about these new music videos and has been practising his graffiti so he could contribute to that in a few of the videos. It makes Harry so proud. Zayn never wanted to be a part of the band, not at first anyway, he only did it because it was fun while in X-factor, but now that they have so many responsibilities he doesn't know if he wants it anymore. Harry got told he is only staying because of the friendship they all have.

Not long after he can feel Louis's nappy get warmer on him, and he just chuckles lowly, thinking how angry bigger Louis would get if he figures that out, or remembers it.

He wraps Louis' legs around him, who is half asleep, barely hanging on but awake enough to know Harry is moving, so he starts whining.

"Oh baby I'm not leaving, just gonna go change your nappy yeah?" Hary says, removing the blanket from him so he can get up properly.

Louis keeps whining until he is laid down again, he's lying on one of the bunks that aren't being used for sleeping, while Harry quickly, well as quickly as he can, he isn't a pro at this yet, untapes his nappy and changes it with a new one.

Louis gets picked up and carried into the main part of the bus, the part with the sofas, and he gets all cosied up in a few blankets while Harry sits beside him and plays with his hair. Soon he hears his little snores as he has fallen asleep. It makes Harry smile, to see his little boy be so quiet and seemingly okay.

"How did all this start? I've never thought Louis to be of the regressor kind," Zayn says lowly, coming to Harry with a mug of tea. Harry isn't even sure how to answer this, does he just expose Louis and him?

"I honestly don't know, I've been searching up things that could help with his drug and alcohol problems, and I think so has he, we just came to the conclusion to try it out. But I never knew it would end up with him slipping so easily," Harry says quietly, as not to wake up Louis, he looks so peaceful when sleeping.

"I guess we can both hope that it helps him enough, I don't like seeing him so under the influence as he usually is," Zayn says gripping Liam's bicep a bit harder, it's been hard on all the band members.

All of them see how badly Louis is doing and all the awful coping mechanisms he has found, they don't like it. They all silently pray for a time when he will be sober, which may have happened now.

"Yeah me neither, I wish there were a way to help him out of it, I wish I could do more," Harry sighs. He can feel a few stray tears make it down his cheeks, even though he isn't the crying kind, more of the suffer-in-silence-and-not-show-it-to-anyone kind, but he can't help it. Louis, who has seen so much darkness, is slowly going further and further into darkness, and he has no idea how to help him out of it.

"Mate, you're doing so much, you made him start regressing, it will help him. Trust me." Zayn says, smiling at the boy who is fast asleep.

Harry really wishes he could believe him, but it seems like a distant lie. He hasn't done much for him, he has barely been there to help him stop drinking, he could have done more, been there more for him. There is so much he could have done, why is he only acting now?

"I don't know, he is in really bad shape and I should have reacted earlier, should have been there you know." He feels more tears roll down his cheeks, and his voice quivers a bit. He isn't even sure why he gets so emotional now, this isn't his fault, or is it?

"We could have all done more, but it is what it is, we just have to find a way to make him feel better where he is now, we all need to step up our game, for Louis, for each other, and especially for ourselves. I've seen how you've been doing, how Liam is doing," Liam looks at him sheepishly, he hasn't been doing well either, drinking almost every day, but not in excess like Louis has, just a few beers when it is show time. "And it isn't going well, we are slowly letting this whole ordeal break us down, we need to be better," Zayn says, and it has so much more meaning than Zayn can say in a few words. Zayn knows how they are feeling, and how they work within the band. He isn't some outsider therapist who thinks they know what's happening, Zayn is experiencing this with them, which makes it so much more meaningful.

"You're right, and that sucks," Harry chuckles, his fingers lightly shaking on the little boy, Zayn can't help but also chuckle, they both know it sucks.

"Hey, what if we all just stop drinking pre-show?" Liam says suddenly like he just had the greatest idea. Liam looks expectantly at them, with a sly smile. They both just nod, "If we can get Nialler on board I wouldn't mind it, I don't need alcohol to have fun," Zayn says.

"Speaking of Niall, I might have to go talk to Niall about this, he didn't seem to fully understand the situation Louis is in," Harry says, slowly standing up, unwrapping the blanket from him and scooping it around Louis, who is still snoring softly, he doesn't want to leave him.

As he stands up the pity in Liam's eyes really shows, like he knows Niall might not understand it the way Harry wishes. But he tries to do it anyway, he needs to do it, for Louis.

"Knock knock Nialler," He says gently opening the curtain that separates the back room and the bunk beds.

"Hey, so I wanted to talk about this whole ordeal with Louis, can you try to keep an open mind? Please?" He isn't even sure how to explain it. So Louis is a baby in a man's body. That doesn't sound right, he needs to be clearer about it.

"You can try, it seems pretty off to me, but go on," He says, arms crossed, he isn't ready for an explanation but he knows he needs one, he just can't get the image of seeing a grown-ass adult in a diaper. That was just too weird.

Harry stands there for a moment, thinking through what to say, but he is blank, its like his mind can't figure out how words work anymore. He is so worried that Niall will be mean about it or not understand it, he can't find any of the words. He wants to, but how can he, if he doesn't know words?

"I-I... So..." He starts, his mind blanking.

"Yeah? You gonna explain mate?" Niall still has a closed-off stance and it makes Harry nervous, he takes a step back and looks down, he is taller than Niall but feels so smaller under his gaze.

"Louis is trying out something new, a coping mechanism, to help his drug problem... It's uh, it is called age regression, which basically means he reverts back to a childlike state of mind, to uh... to deal with his problems?" Harry says questioning every word, he isn't even sure if Niall understood any of it. He just wants Niall to understand the boy, to see that it is not this scary thing.

"Is this some form of kink of his?" Naill says, not having grasped any of what Harry just said, he doesn't understand, not really, why would being a child help him not do drugs? It simply doesn't make sense. He sits down, this is too much for him to handle after a show, they should be sleeping right now, getting ready to drive to the next location, but here he is, getting lectured about some kind of kink they have, which he has to be a part of?

"No, it is never a sexual thing... I'm not sure how to explain this... He just gets this innocent childlike wonder and it helps him not worry about such 'adult things' that might cause him too much trouble and make him do these drugs and drink this much, does that make sense?" Harry says, trying to explain in terms that would make it make more sense to Niall, not that he is dumb, far from, but he tends to draw parallels where there aren't any.

This would have been much easier if Louis could help him, the boy always seems to know what to say in tough situations to make them lighter.

"So... He just acts like a child and that makes him feel less worried?" Niall says, which makes Harry nod, finally, he is catching on.

"Basically, and I will be his caregiver, which means I take care of him, so he doesn't get into bad situations or hurt himself in some weird way," they all know Louis is clumsy, and with him being in headspace there is no telling what could happen.

"Okay... I might need to sit a bit and research this, but I am glad it isn't some kink of yours, I don't want to be mixed in that kind of shit... Are we cool?" Niall says, already opening up his phone, ready to note down what Harry throws at him.

Harry sends him a few websites that have a lot of information, the ones he used to get to know it better. He thinks they really explain it well, especially to someone who has no idea what it is.

"Thank you mate, for not fully hating us for it, I just want Louis to be happy," Harry says, swiftly going back to the front lounge, Louis still lying with the fluffy blanket cosied around him, Harry can't help it when he takes a photo of it, he just looks adorable.

"Niall said he would think about it for a little, but he doesn't seem fully put off by it. So that's good," He hopes.

Chapter Text

The little boy just looks up at him with confused eyes, Harry can see that the boy isn't listening, maybe because he is in this sleepy state. He decides to carry the little boy over to their bunk beds, almost without bothering the other guys. They don't say anything when Harry easily lifts Louis up and carries him out of the little room.

“Mmmm” Louis whines, not sure why he is whining, he just felt he had to express his discomfort, he can just feel that Harry is going to leave him alone, and he is not alright with that!

“What’s up little one?” Harry says, slowly nudging the curtain on the little boy's bunk away. He takes a glance down and smiles, Louis is looking oh so angel-like, his hair is all mussed and messy, but his skin is free of any worry-wrinkle, he can just see how Louis is less worried and anxious. Especially in this one moment where he is being so brave and less self-conscious.

“Do you know how proud I am of you, huh?” He says Harry knows he won’t remember this or fully grasp what he means by it, but he needs to say it out loud before he implodes. He just feels so much love and care for this little boy, and what he has achieved is amazing. Louis has had such a hard time with life, and now he is here, a part of the biggest boy band and willingly trying to better himself. He is actively working to be a better person and to be safer and happier, which makes Harry oh so proud. He can’t explain it with just words.

“You are such an angel, even if you don’t fully understand what I'm saying right now, you need to know how important you are to this band, and to me… Mostly me.” He says while he rubs the little boy's back, hugging him close to his chest.

“Tanko…” Louis says, pacifier still in mouth and his face all mushed up against the taller man's chest. Louis means it, he can feel his big boy thoughts come more which makes what Harry said, mean even more, he just can't express himself in a way that works. So he pushes up against the man, hoping his closeness would work.

Harry smiles down at the boy, hoping that he really did understand it, he wants Louis to know no matter what happens he will stay with him. Through whatever. Even hell.

“Let’s get you ready for bed baby boy,” he says when he’s been standing swaying for a few minutes, the boy’s pacifier almost falling out. He places the boy on the bunk and starts getting ready for sleep.

“Otay, i sleepy,” Louis says with a yawn, he really needs sleep after today. He has had so many big feelings, and so much stress, that he isn’t sure how to deal with all of it. Especially now that he can’t take a breath the same way he could before. This meant going to get a cigarette, it was his favourite way to breathe. When he tries to think about it, it feels like his mind can’t fully remember the feeling, can’t remember why he did it, all he can remember is how bad he smelled, and how sometimes it would hurt his fingers with the lighter, but he doesn't have any urges, not at all.

This is nice, he thinks and makes a note to ask Harry about it when his head isn't as cloudy as it is now.

He feels the same pushy feeling in his tummy as he did earlier and can't help but whine, he isn’t sure what the feeling is, or how to make it go away, it isn't very pleasant.

“What is it lil bug? I’m just brushing my teeth and I will be there with you,” Harry says from the small toilet where he has the door open.

“Mmmm now…” Louis says, the feeling growing more intense, he isn’t sure what it means or if it’s bad, so he tries to just relax his body, hopefully, it will go away.

Suddenly his body relaxes enough that his diaper fills, he whines again, a few stray tears falling, this is not a good feeling! And he wants out of it, right now! Why doesn’t Harry understand?

“Okay, baby, I'm here. What can I help with, huh?” He says gently wiping some hair strands away from his face, the little boy not saying much just wiggling his bum, trying to make the man understand.
And it works, Harry can see the line that has turned a deep blue instead of almost being invisible, which means he peed the diaper. He must be so small he didn’t even notice he had to pee.

“Oh, let’s get that fixed quickly!” He says and goes to rummage after the diapers and wipes. He finds it quickly and soothes Louis by rubbing his little tummy, which is almost caving in, it isn’t good.

Louis is almost only working on the fuel he gets from alcohol, he barely eats cause he is so hungover and he is also very picky, and barely likes anything but snacks. So it’s hard for him to keep up with eating as much as he needs to.

Harry is still clumsy with the diaper change, but Louis doesn't seem to mind too much, he is too tired to put up a fight or say anything, he just wants to be changed and ready for sleep.

After the change Harry and Louis lie cuddling in the little bunk, there is barely room but they manage. Louis is lying on top of Harry and their legs are tangled together. Hopefully, they won't fall out, even though they are on the bottom one, so there is around 9 inches from the floor to the bunk, it will still be uncomfortable to fall.

Harry keeps thinking how proud he is of the boy, not only that he is slipping and working on himself, but also that he asked for help. He brought up that he needed help, which makes him endlessly proud, it is such a hard thing to do.

Louis is long gone and Harry thinks he should sleep too, so he rests his head down and focuses on the boy's breathing. Feeling content.

“Hazzz…” Louis whines, he just wants the man to wake up. It was so scary, he could feel all the scary big feelings with the nightmare.

Harry just turns a little, but doesn’t wake up. Louis tries to shake him awake again, while his little cheeks are stained with tears.

“Mmmmm!” Louis tries, he just wants the man to wake up and make it all feel better! He tries to suppress a sob, but it escapes and it wakes Harry up a bit, he’s still half asleep but Louis thinks this is better than before. He just keeps trying to shake Harry awake, until Harry's eyes begin opening and he sees the boy in tears.

“Oh, baby, what happened?” Harry tries to sit up with the boy, the sobs racking through him, making him shake a little bit.

“Don wanna!” He sobs, himself not sure what he doesn’t want to do, but it is something!

His brain couldn't make sense of the nightmare he had, it just felt so real, everyone was laughing at him, which is the part he understood. And then the disappointment on the others faces, he never wants to see that again. It feels like his breath is stuck like he can’t get any air in his lungs. Which makes him try to breathe faster, and only results in hyperventilating.

“Baby, can you breathe with me? I need you to take deep breaths, yeah?” Harry says, rubbing the boy's small back.

Louis can’t make sense of what he is supposed to do, looking at the man confused. But since it is so dark, Harry can barely see the boy's face and just keeps rubbing his back, mumbling sweet words.

It helps the boy relax, he still can’t breathe, and he can’t seem to make sense of what the man is saying anymore, his head growing more and more fuzzy by the minute.

“Come on baby, in and out. Slowly,” He mumbles, sensing that Louis still isn't breathing well enough, he tries to show the boy how to, but it not working since there is barely any light.

“Let me find some light, it’ll be alright baby,” Harry says, fumbling around for the little light switch to the reading light, when he finds it he can see truly how bad his baby is. His eyes were red-rimmed and full of spilling tears, some snot running down to his chin, he surely looked miserable.

“Oh, Honey,” Harry mumbled drawing the boy closer to him, he just sat there listening to the boy sob quietly for a few minutes, trying to comfort him.

Nothing was working, it all seemed like the boy was just too exhausted to make sense of anything and maybe too small.

Harry had a small idea of what might work, so he grabbed the boy and sat up, well as much as he could in the small bunk, quietly carrying the boy to the room with a couch and a load of blankets. He shuffled around and soon enough Louis was laying in a bundle of blankets, waiting curiously, as Harry wrapped them around him like a little cocoon.

Louis loved the soft, soft blankets, and they all had the smell of Harry, which made him even more comfortable, as he lay wrapped in blankets.

The tears were slow and barely there now, which Harry counted as a success. He is new to this whole thing, but it might work out really well. He just needs to learn how to take care of him when he's down better.

After a little bit of rubbing his little toes that stuck out from the blanket cocoon, Louis' eyes started to fall heavy and he couldn’t hold back the few yawns that escaped. Harry decided then to carry the boy, and blankets, back to the bunk and hope for a few more hours of sleep.

The boy was fast asleep while Harry struggled to shuffle himself into the bunk, there being barely any space left.

Harry didn't mind, it just meant he had to hold the boy closer, which already felt so natural to him.

Chapter Text

Louis wakes up sweating, but so comfortable, he really loves laying so close to Harry, smelling his scent and feeling his warmth.

Harry is lying looking at his phone, and with one hand rubbing the boy's hair lightly. It’s so soothing Louis almost purrs, which makes Harry look at him.

“Look who’s awake!” He exclaims, happy to see his boy.

“Meeee!” Louis exclaims, getting all bubbly when seeing Harry. He just knows it's going to be a good day!

“It is my good boy! Did you sleep well, honey?” Harry mumbles, trying to squish Louis closer to him, he feels so close to him.

“I sleeped good,” He mumbles. Louis doesn’t ever want to move from here, but his little tummy is all rumbly. He can feel his throat itching for something, but he isn't sure what, he can feel a sort of scratchiness and longing. In his headspace, he doesn’t know what that means.

If he was in his adult headspace he would instantly pull out his cigarettes and light one, no matter where they were. This longing would make him so anxious he could barely stand still. Feel his head losing control over his actions. All he would think was nicotine.

Little Louis barely remembers or understands that though. He doesn’t understand, and he wants it to stop, it’s just so uncomfortable.

He tries to hold his breath or fake cough, but it doesn't work. The feeling stays.

“What’s up, baby? Are you getting sick?” Harry says, worriedly, he can hear the many times the boy tries to cough, or does cough. But he can't put a finger on why he is doing it unless he is sick.

“Mmm. Throat itchy!” Is all Louis can say, he can’t explain it. It just itches!

Harry knows what this means, he has had Louis explain it before, the feeling of his throat itching because he is so in need of a cigarette, the sense of his throat and chest burning. He knows he can’t let little Louis know this, he would try to do it, and that could end badly. He just has to figure out ways to help him.

Harry doesn't want Louis to feel like this, he wants to make it all better. But how? He has no idea. Maybe a drink or some food can help, he thinks. Maybe he can distract him enough that he won't notice, so many maybes. He just doesn’t know what could work.

“Do you want a little morning snack, hun?” Harry says, ignoring the little coughs that slip from the boy.

Louis just nods, his hands starting to lightly touch his chest, he can feel something is off, he can feel his chest messing up, and he feels a little lightheaded.

He wants food though, it would help his rumbly tummy, and maybe that could help with his throat too.

“Let us get up then, bub,” Harry says while motioning for Louis to slip out of the bunk, he would carry him out but it seems impossible with how small the corridor between the bunks is. They can barely pass each other without getting squished together, so it's very narrow.

Louis tumbles out, giggling a bit as his padded bum hits the ground. It didn't hurt, but the sudden turn made his head even more cloudy and dizzy. He can’t help it when a few tears spring from his eyes. What is this feeling? It is making it oh so hard for him to control his eyes and arms. So when he tries to reach up for Harry, he can’t help but bump into him. He is just so dizzy.

“Oh, baby, did we get a little dizzy?” Harry says, swiftly bending down and picking up the boy.

Harry knows that not smoking has made him more dizzy, and add to that, that he barely eats any nutritional food, it is no shocker he is feeling like this.

He needs to help correct it, and he will try with every ounce he can to make him eat more and better food. He needs to get all his vitamins and iron, sooner rather than later.

“Can me has dummy?” Louis asks right as Harry has him perched on his hip. Which Harry can’t deny, is adorable. He loves that Louis isn’t shy when in headspace, and that he isn’t afraid to ask for what he wants. Maybe a little shy, yes, but not the same as him out of his headspace.

Harry mumbles a small yes as he tries to rummage through the very rumpled bunk, there are so many things that have no space in this bunk, like a bag of chips. Guess who placed that there…

As he finds it Louis instantly makes a grab for it, and when Harry draws his hand away Louis can’t help the little pout that comes on his lips. Didn’t Harry say he could have it? Why isn’t he giving it then? Louis can’t stop his thoughts when they go down the worst way. Growing darker, so much so that he doesn’t realise Harry is carrying him to the small bathroom to wash off the pacifier. Why is Harry lying to him? Did he do something wrong? Maybe Harry thinks it’s disgusting to use a dummy? Louis doesn’t want Harry to see him being disgusting. Maybe Harry is only playing pity games to make more fun of Louis?

“There you go, baby, all clean,” Harry says, however, Louis is so stuck in his thoughts he doesn’t hear it. Harry can see his eyes are just staring into nothingness, worry consumes him, did he do something wrong?

Louis can only feel the many bad thoughts, all of them saying how much he isn’t worth this life, how much of a freak he is, how Harry is tired of him and more.

“Louis baby, I got your dummy here!” Harry says which makes Louis snap out, and he gives the man a questioning look, not really having listened to him.

“Baby I have your dummy right here, I had to wash it 'cause it was all dirty, and we don’t want that.”

“Oh, thanko,” Louis mumbles, making a little grabby hand for the item, Harry just places it in his mouth and Louis starts sucking on it, all his past worries having flown far away, he can’t even recall what they were.

He feels so content just being in Harry’s arms, with a dummy and getting food soon. This is something he could get used to.

Harry can feel the anxious build-up of the boys seeing him even more in his regression than before, but they do need food, and Harry has a plan. In the tour bus they have a little kitchen, and with that an air fryer, Harry has learnt that heating up waffles in an air fryer is one of Louis’ favourite snacks. So of course he wants to treat his little boy with waffles. It might not be the healthiest but it is something to eat. Which is important for him.

He leaves the bunk area to get to the small makeshift kitchen. He doesn't see the other boys in the front where the air fryer is, so they must be out getting food or something. He just hopes they haven’t already left for the show.

Harry gathers up some waffles, peanut butter, bread, and grapes from the cupboard, and places them on the little counter, ready to make the little boy some breakfast, while he can eat some peanut butter toast.

“Waffies!” Louis says, coming out slurred by the pacifier but Harry can hear the excitement. He knew he made a good choice. He hands the boy a waffle from the pack, and instructs him to take care of it while they wait!

Harry starts the air fryer, still with Louis in hand, which turns out to be a little bit difficult, he tries his hardest and still manages to bump Louis' leg on the counter, the boy barely noticing cause he got the very important job of holding his waffle.

“Hey, you two! The boys are getting breakfast at some place not too far away, do you want me to call them to get some or are you good here?“ Micheal says when he wanders into the bus, he doesn’t notice Louis having a pacifier in his mouth and only a diaper and Harry’s pull-over on.

As he turns he just raises his eyebrow at Harry, who just gives him a nod and hopes he can understand that Harry will explain later. Right now he is a little occupied. Harry decides to have a little meeting with them all and explain Louis’ situation to them, just so he won't need to do it multiple times and them get something wrong or miscommunicate with each other. He wants everyone to ask him if they want to know something about age regression.

“Lou baby, can you sit here while I make my breakfast?” Harry asks nicely, trying to place him on the couch not too far away, Louis nods, sloppily giving Harry the waffle so he can heat it.

As Harry sits him down he tries to pull a blanket over his legs, just so he doesn’t get cold. The air fryer makes a little beep so he puts in the little waffle, that has a few bite marks for when Louis tried to nibble at it.

He pulls out his phone and makes a group chat with the rest of the boys, Marceline and Micheal, so he can try and explain to them what's going on, while Louis naps later.

Chapter Text

“Look Lou, your waffle is all done!” Harry exclaims when the air fryer beeps, while Louis is sitting quietly sucking on his pacifier.

It makes Louis smile so wide he drops the pacifier, and Harry makes a note to wash it before giving it back to Louis.

“Yay! Waffies!” Louis almost screams, very excited for his little snack. He feels like he hasn’t eaten in like years, which is probably exaggerating, but he is just so hungry! Doesn’t help that he barely eats normally, his stomach is empty half of the time.

Harry smiles and tries not to scold him over being loud, he isn’t normally that loud, he guesses it must be because he is regressed, and does not have full control over his voice.

He hopes it is a sign that Louis is opening up more and being more free, he seems so free and relaxed in this state. Not a single worry is shown on his face. It is calming for Harry to watch him be so carefree, especially when he gets so excited over a simple thing as waffles.

Harry can’t help but smile as he carries a paper plate with the waffle on it over to Louis, he just loves how sincere the happiness, that’s radiating from the boy, is.

“See here, be careful baby, they might be a little warm,” He instructs, not wanting Louis to get a burnt tongue like he has before.

He helps Louis sit up more right so he won't accidentally choke, and gives him the plate, hopefully he won't drop them.

“Mmmm, Yummy!” The little boy says, with a mouthful of waffle, a not-so-pretty sight, but Harry still adores him. Harry thinks that when this whole being a caregiver started, it opened up a whole new world for Harry, it opened a new way to see Louis, to see him be more himself, and for Harry to have a bigger role in his life. Which has made this longing that Harry had, feel much more intense, now that he actually has Louis. He is a part of his life, a really big part now, and he hopes this keeps going so well. He loves seeing Louis be calm, it makes him calm. He can try so hard to meditate and relax, but nothing compares to cuddling with Louis.

It all happened so fast though, Harry isn't sure if that’s a good thing or not. He can feel that Louis is also very close to him, but he is worried that maybe he is closer than Louis is. He wonders if Louis is having the same thoughts, or if he is oblivious to the way Harry feels, not that he loves him romantically. But this overwhelming feeling that he needs to take care of Louis, is making him love him. In a sense.

He’s always had it like that, that he wanted to protect Louis for everything he could. But he was never able to in the same way as now, now it is actually his responsibility to make sure he is feeling okay. And that makes him feel complete.

“Can I has water pease?” Louis mumbles, Harry not even noticing he finished his waffle, he wasn’t sure how long he was caught in his thoughts.

“Of course, hun, let me grab a cup for you,” Harry says, rubbing the little boy's leg. He is still only in Harry’s pull-over and a nappy. The blanket is now bundled around his side and not covering him at all, guess he may have gotten too warm.

It’s slightly warm in the bus, but nothing compared to how it is outside, in Harry’s eyes it’s worse than a sauna. He hates feeling the sun on his skin, he wants to be able to cover up and wear jumpers and hide away in the shadows.

Louis on the other hand, loves the sun, he loves sunbathing and being outside, he loves the fresh air and warmth.

He is also a person who is cold almost all the time, no matter how warm it is, he can’t seem to get warm enough. So he still bundles up in hoodies when he can.

Harry gets up and grabs a plastic cup, just in case he thinks. He doesn't want Louis to accidentally break one of the many mugs they have.

They all collectively started buying funny mugs they could find when out exploring, so they have a copious amount of all kinds of mugs, even some that he doesn’t even think can be used for tea or coffee.

Zayn found one once that was a yin-yang symbol, but the opening is in the holes, which makes it completely useless. But he loves it.

They each have all these small insignificant objects that bring them so much joy. Harry thinks it's great that they still have their individuality even when being pushed into this specific “boy band” group. They try so hard to fit in with what the stereotypical boy-band-bandmate is, but they are each so different, and they all have different views on how they should be doing their job.

Harry hopes that while they all seemed okay with Louis regressing, they won’t start sharing it, he doesn’t want the public to know, as it could cause an extreme backlash.

After he grabs a plastic cup he fills it up with water and a little bit of lemon juice, just as Louis likes it.

“Here you go, can you be careful not to spill it? I don’t want you getting all messy, baby,” Harry says while giving a half-full cup to the boy.

The boy reaches out and grasps it loosely with messy hands, little waffle pieces all over his fingers. Harry makes a note to himself to get some napkins or wet rags so he can wash off the little boy’s dirty fingers.

Harry gets up and starts cleaning up the mess he made while making them breakfast, all while Louis slowly and clumsily drinks the water, which of course he drops.

The cup falls from his hands and into his lap, the water running all over his bare legs and into the couch. Louis’ whole body going rigid, not moving, barely even breathing, he was so shocked. Tears started filling up his eyes and running down his cheeks, and he had no idea how to stop it. He feels like he ruined Harry’s whole life by dropping the cup. He can’t make sense of it, so he starts crying, naturally. At first, he tries to hide the sobs, but it gets too much for him and his body starts shaking. He also doesn’t like the feeling of being wet and sitting on a wet couch.

Harry turns around quickly and has already picked up the cup by the time Louis starts crying, not sure what to do, he picks him up, hugging him tightly to his chest, hoping Louis would wrap around him and get taken care of.

He was glad he didn’t fill it up completely, which was a good call, somehow knowing that Louis would spill it all. Now he can clean it up faster, it also barely touched the couch, so the only thing wet is Louis.

Louis can’t help but sob even harder as Harry carries him around, bouncing him a little bit. He just feels so loved and cared for, and he was so worried that Harry might hate him for dropping the cup of water. But he didn’t, he took care of him instead.

“You’re okay, baby boy, it’s just water,” Harry mumbles, still walking in small circles while padding his little bum.

It makes Louis snuggle closer to him, resting his teary face on the man's shoulder, he likes this.

“Me sorry…” Louis says, face smushed into the man's shoulder, but he still grasps it. Harry can’t help but smile a little bit, still worried of course, he didn’t like that Louis was so fast to burst into tears and break down, but it is sweet he thinks he has to apologize, which he doesn’t. It is a simple dropped cup of water, not anything huge to be angry over.

“Let’s get you a new cup and a little nap, yeah?” Harry says, going over and filling up a new cup. Deciding that he should probably give it to Louis, just in case, he doesn’t want Louis to get even more upset if it happens again.

“Mmmm, don’t wanna nap! Me not tired…” Louis says, however, it is evident that he needs a nap, he is rubbing his eyes with his little sweater paws and yawning.

The cup gets filled quickly and Harry helps the little boy drink from it, a silent thank you comes from Louis when he is done drinking.

“Okay, that’s fine, baby boy, but I need a nap so you’re going to nap with me, how about that?” Harry tries to negotiate, he knows that his boy might be so easy to break down because he is tired.

Louis is always the first one to sleep, he also is the one to nap in random places. Sometimes he needs a little help, usually being smoking some weed, but he loves to sleep. He does hate waking up, especially when it’s early and cold.

While walking around padding the boy’s bum, Harry noticed that his diaper felt a little full, he was unsure how to ask or get ready for a change, especially having never done this before. Maybe it gets easier to ask or maybe he can teach Louis to ask when he needs one, they will have to figure out something together, Harry thinks.

It takes him a while but he decides asking is the best idea; “Lou, do you need a little nappy change?” Louis’ face blushes a deep red, indicating that he does in fact need a nappy change.

“Maybe,” Louis blushes, he doesn’t actually want to get his nappy changed, but he also doesn’t like sitting in it while it’s wet. So maybe getting changed isn’t as bad as a wet nappy?

“What do you say, little bug? Should we see and get changed and have a little nap?” Harry asks, already moving towards the bunks, this time hoping he can do the change faster, and with a little less fumbling.

“Sounds okay, can me has dummy back?” Louis says, nodding his head.

While Harry washes the dummy he collected he thinks thoroughly about what to say to the other boys. And how to answer the questions they might have. He feels like he isn’t prepared enough for this type of conversation, he barely knows anything about actually being a caregiver. Yeah sure he knows how to take care of Louis, but not all the signs or how to specifically do things, like figuring out when to change a nappy.

“Here you go, baby, let me change you and we can nap!” He says, popping the pacifier into the little’s mouth, who happily started sucking, feeling much more content now.

It’s silly how one little item can give him so much comfort, but it just makes his brain seem less chaotic. A pacifier is also one of the most childish things he has ever owned, or well, gotten from someone, in his adult life. But he still loves it, he loves the comfort and peace he gets from it.

He hopes he can keep it.

Chapter Text

Harry carried the sleepy boy towards the bunks, ready for him to have a little nap, it wasn’t that late in the AM, but he knew that they had to stay up late this evening, and Harry wanted Louis to have all the energy he could get. He wondered if he should let him sleep until he wakes up, or should set an alarm for a small hour and a half. He wasn’t sure how long babies usually napped, also he was a grown adult. Do adults need the same amount of nap time? Since his mind is in this child-like state does that mean his needs are too?

Maybe this is going to turn out harder than he thought. He barely knows how to take care of a child, what if he messes up while taking care of Louis? He doesn’t want to make age regression a bad thing for him, especially not if it actually works for him.

What if Louis got too much to handle for Harry? He has never really taken care of children, only Louis’ small siblings who actually knew how to do a lot of stuff themselves. They’ve grown up in a house where you learn fast how to live, unlike Harry, who was babied his whole life, right up until he joined One Direction.

Harry just shakes his head and sets a timer, making sure not to close the door fully, so that he can hear when Louis wakes up if he wakes up before time.

Louis has seemed so tired lately, and Harry knew it was from the touring.

While Harry sits looking at his notes for the little meeting he’s going to have with the boys, he can’t help but think back to when he first started seeing how bad Louis was feeling, and the fact that he didn’t catch up to it. He saw that Louis wasn’t ready to take care of himself, and he started making sure Louis at least had a little food so that he could get home after being drunk out of his mind. He started making sure Louis wouldn’t get into bad shit at interviews.

Harry thinks that it might have manifested into age regression, that it just started out small and Louis got taken in by Harry. He’s always had this caregiver role to him when it comes to Louis.

He scrolls down his notes, thinking that he may have to add a few points. He has only mentioned the parts that he and Louis have actively been doing or talking about doing. But not about how to handle the regression with other people around, or how to do activities. He also doesn’t know yet how to make Louis slip or how to age him up. There are a few points where he simply doesn’t know, yet.

He decides to text the boys that Louis is down for a nap and that they can have a little chat outside the bus. The nervous sweat is making small stains on his shirt, he doesn’t know how to handle it if they won’t accept it.

As he stands and waits awkwardly outside the bus, he hears a little text tone go off, letting him know that the boys saw his message, he checks it and sees they have time now.

Now only to wait.

He can’t help to get anxious again, thinking all of these “what ifs” thoughts. Which doesn’t help when he is already nervous. They just keep running around his head, filling up his thoughts. He can’t help but start focusing on them, maybe they are right, maybe they are actually going to react like this.

But Zayn seemed to know about it, so if he does, Liam must too. Right? They are so close and spend so much time together. It did seem like Niall was disgusted by it, what if it’s how the rest are also going to react?

He can feel himself spiral more and more into this self-doubt. He can’t seem to think even one positive thought. His whole thought process going worse and worse. Why would he even try to think that anything good can happen? Nothing good is going to happen to him, not when he is in this situation.

Suddenly the door opens and in comes Niall and Liam, no Zayn yet.

“Hey, Haz!” Niall says loudly, seeming like he has no care in the world. Harry tries to shush him so Louis won’t wake up, standing up and going to the door to shut it calmly. He really hoped Louis didn’t wake up from all that noise.

“Hey, shhh, Louis is napping,” Harry says, motioning for the boys to sit on the couch.

They all sit down, Niall grabbing a soda first, and asking quietly if they want some snacks. But Harry is too anxious to be able to drink or eat anything right now, so he says no. So does Liam.

“Do you know where Zayn is?” Harry mumbles, not sure if he wants to start the conversation himself. The boys both shake their heads and pull out their phones, probably to text him.

Harry pulls out his too, so he can text Micheal and Marceline that Louis is down for a nap, so they can have a small talk now. He tries going over the points again, however, he doesn't feel as nervous as he did before, just by how calm the two boys seem. They seem like it isn’t a big deal, like it is just a small comfortable talk they’re gonna have. When Harry knows it isn’t like that, it isn’t like they are just going to be fine with everything.

He hopes though, that maybe it will seem like an ordinary thing to do, that maybe they won't be disgusted, and maybe they will just incorporate it into their routine so it doesn't seem like it's different. He hopes.

He gets a text from Micheal, that he and Marceline is going to be right there, so he clears his throat and hopes that he can speak without his voice trembling too much.

“So, Marceline and Micheal will be here any minute now, but I want to start out by saying that I really hope you guys can understand how much this is going to mean for me and Louis,” Harry says, standing up to grab a water bottle, he can feel his throat going dry already, and he hasn’t even spoken very much.

After he sits down Zayn comes in with the rest, and they all three look at him expectantly, like Harry has some kind of plan, which he does, he just doesn’t know how to speak up about it.

He tells them to take a seat and starts rubbing his hands on his thighs, trying to rub away the sweat and nerves. It doesn't work well.

“So, you all probably know why we are here…” He sighs, this is going to be harder than he thought. “I want to talk to everyone about how Louis and I have started something… Called age regression, which maybe you have heard of, or maybe have heard some misinformation about…” How does he explain this to them?

“So basically it means that Louis' mindset reverts to a childlike state, and he needs someone to take care of him, which is me. And uh…” He falters, not sure what to say next, it feels like his mind is blanking, like he can’t seem to find even one thought.

“Take your time Harry, we understand it can be a lot,” Zayn smiles, standing up and rubbing his shoulder. He knows, Harry thinks. And maybe it’s one of the reasons Hary can muster up some courage to speak again.

“Yes, so uh, I take care of him, I help him to remember simple things, kind of like if you're taking care of a toddler. We haven’t fully figured out his age and needs yet, but we will, and I hope we have you guys’ support for it. Cause you will probably hear and see him… Act as a toddler?” He questions, this sounds so wrong for him.

“Is that what all the nappies were for?” Marceline asks with a kind smile, Harry knows she wouldn’t judge but he does feel weird with them discussing this part, what if they think it's sexual?

“Yes, since his mindset is as a toddler, he doesn’t have full control of his body, so the nappies help him not have accidents and they make him feel safer in his headspace.” He nods, hoping that they can understand.

“What if we don’t want to be included in this… I don’t know what to call it, you said it wasn’t sexual but you’re legit seeing him naked?” Niall asks, which is a fair question, Harry just needs a few minutes to figure out what to answer, he doesn’t see Louis as anything sexual when he is taking care of him.

“So, yeah I do see him naked when I bathe and change him, but I would never think of anything we do as sexual. It is the same as seeing your friends in the showers after gym class, you don’t think of their genitalia, but of them as a person. And I just see Louis as a kid I need to take care of… Does that make sense?” Harry asks, hoping to console Niall enough that he won’t think it's sexual.

“But he isn’t a kid, he’s an adult?” He can hear a small sigh from Zayn, which almost makes him smile, Zayn must be so done with his comments. They can be a bit too much sometimes, and he can be a bit slow, but it’s all worth it.

“Yeah, but when I take care of him, I also get into this headspace where I see him as a kid, kind of like a parent does. And since I already took care of him before we started this thing, it helped a lot, cause I already see him as something to take care of.” Harry says, his words getting mumbled up, he is a little nervous about this.

“But does it work for him?” Zayn butts in after a few quiet minutes, he says it so softly he isn’t sure what to take from it, but Harry takes it as genuine.

“I hope so, so far he has eaten more meals than he has in days, which makes me very happy, I love seeing him so carefree and happy, he also hasn’t taken any drugs for a few days now, which is a great improvement. So yeah I think it works for him!” Harry says, somehow using his hands to show the length of time, as he isn’t fully sure how many days it has actually been. When they tour he always forgets the dates and what they did on which days.

“That's good then! I’m glad it's working for him,” Zayn says, giving a little wink to Harry, almost as a way to say that he can talk to him about it more if he needs to. He smiles a little bit, hoping no one notices.

“But if you lads have any questions just ask! I want us all to be okay with this, and there are probably some things I’ve forgotten to say,” Harry says, taking a sip of his bottle, and preparing himself for the questions.

“Is it all the time? Like can he still tour and party with you?” Micheal asks, he seems to worry more about the touring part than Louis actually regressing, he doesn’t know much about it, but as long as it doesn’t come in the way of his job or their priorities, he is fine with it.

“It isn’t all the time, and we will be working on how to age him up for the shows. However, with the partying, me and Louis are going to take a bit of a break, so he doesn’t break too fast with him being sober. We don’t want to tempt him too much,” He explains, knowing that he and Louis are going to have an adult talk about the partying and alcohol.

Niall clears his throat, looking a bit quizzical “What do you mean age up?”

“Oh, it just means to help him out of his toddler headspace, and into his adult headspace. So when we say age down, or up, we mean either go to his toddler headspace or adult headspace.”

They keep firing a few questions about how regression works, and Harry tries his best to explain. All of them together gather enough information to understand how their workday will work out, and it makes Harry so happy that no one has been too judgemental. He is bothered by Liam not saying anything, is it because he knows from Zayn's explanation? Or because he just doesn’t have anything to say? Harry can’t help but overthink it a little bit.

They start chatting more about how Louis is generally, and how they can help him not relapse into his addictions.

“Maybe we can all look out for him, so we make sure there isn’t alcohol in the bus, yeah?” Liam suddenly says. He hasn’t said anything this whole time, and when he does he says something good, it makes Harry smile.

“That could help if you lot are okay with it?” Harry says.

As they all nod in agreement Louis starts whining, he feels so uncomfortable in his wet nappy, but at the same time, he is too sleepy to do anything but whine.

“Oh, I guess we can all chat to Louis now if he isn’t too tired from his nap,” Harry chuckles. He stands up, discarding his water bottle on the counter and grabbing the blanket, he just knows Louis will be cold.

Louis sees him from the doorway and smiles dopely around his dummy, happy to see his caregiver. He makes small grippy hands and wiggles his bum, almost to signal the man his needs.

Harry just chuckles and picks him up, feeling the wet nappy the second he touches him. He really needs to change him.

“Do you need a little nappy change, hun?” The taller man asks, Louis blushes hard, his cheeks and nose going bright red. Harry can’t help but let out a little chuckle, he understands that Louis is a bit shy about nappies but it is also a bit funny. They both know it might change the more comfortable they get with it.

“Mhuh!” He mumbles, dummy still in mouth, he is still feeling quite sleepy and cosy, but he also doesn’t like the feel of the wet nappy.

“Let's do that, then we can go see the rest of the lads, yeah?” Harry says, moving him around a bit so it is easier to get a nappy on him.

The change is quicker than last time, even though he is still fumbling, and he still can’t quite get the hang of where the tabs should go. He is still learning, not that Louis minds it much.

“There we go, baby! Ready to see the lads?” Harry asks, picking up the boy and sitting him on his hip, even though he is a grown adult he is still tiny enough for Harry to carry around. Harry thinks it's also because he has been working out so much lately, he loves that he can just carry around Louis as if he was smaller than he is.

He opens the door to the others and they all just look at him, then go back to chitchatting, as if they have practised that, that was what they had to do. As if they all collectively decided to be nice and ignore the fact Louis was in a shown nappy.

“Do you wanna sit here with me and Niall, Lou?” Niall doesn't seem to mind as he plops down Louis and bundles him in the blanket. As Louis is being tucked in the blanket the boys start coming closer and stopping their talk, as if they want to talk to Louis, but don’t want to scare him.

“Hey, Lou, that's an adorable paci you have there, is it new?” Zayn says, a small smile as he leans in to talk to the boy.

Harry can clearly see Big Louis shine through as he starts showing of the pacifier, sharing that he got it from Harry and how he loves the colours. It makes Harry happy to see them talk so well together. Even if it is because Zayn knows more than he says, about age regression.

Chapter Text

They all keep chatting, trying to make sure it is family friendly, for Louis. Harry nudged Liam when he accidentally started talking about Niall and some woman being together, which probably wasn’t very family friendly. Louis just scrunched up his nose and cuddled into Harry’s embrace. He didn’t really like the topic, even though he knew what it meant, he wasn’t “old enough” to understand the funny part of it.

Toby comes in and claps his hands. “Okay, boys! It is time to go do soundcheck and get you all dressed up for the show!” He says’ not even caring that Louis is sitting in a hoodie and diaper, and even on Harry’s lap.

“Yes!” Niall says, dragging the s out, he’s already hyped up for the show. Nail loves to sing, and he loves to be on stage. It makes him feel like he is worth something, makes him feel like he can change the world, just by being himself and being happy. There is no better feeling than being on that stage, singing, and seeing all these fans who are so in love with them. There is just so much meaning in being the person he is. Even if sometimes on stage he plays differently, he pretends he is way more confident and that he can do anything he wants. But in reality, he struggles with confidence, struggles with how he sees himself. He sees himself as less than he is.

But on stage, he feels… good.

Niall gets up and starts rambling about what they should plan for this specific show, he just feels like he needs to do something out of it. It feels like a good day.

But Harry can’t help but start to worry, Louis is just now feeling confident with being little around the other boys, what if he stuffs up? What if now that they play a show he’s going to get too overstimulated or something bad? Deep down Harry knows these worries are just trying to play tricks on him, he knows that rationally these things won't happen. He will be fine. At least that’s what he tries to convince himself.

He reaches over to Louis, caressing his cheek, while Louis smiles up at him, not seeing that Harry is worried. He just sees a man who wants to take care of him and help him, and it makes him feel so safe. Louis doesn't fully understand yet that he has to age up and start to… perform as someone else again. And Harry doesn’t know if he actually wants to do this to Louis. But he has to.

“Hey buddy, how about we go in there and see if we can get adult Louis back, yeah?” Harry nudges Louis, pointing to the back room where the bunks are. Hoping that Louis won’t feel bad about it.

Louis just nods, not sure how to say to the man that he doesn’t want to be an adult, he was finally feeling so comfortable with being small, and he felt safe with it, so why does he have to be adult? What is so important?

“Okay, baby, can you try really hard to be a big boy for me? I promise you can be little after the show! We just need you to be a big, big boy so we can play the show for the fans! Is that okay baby? Harry says, with a big smile, slightly fake, but Louis doesn’t have to know that. He is so worried that the boy is going to do something bad. He can’t help it. He just wants to take care of Louis.

Louis just sits down, closing his eyes, trying so hard to think of all the big boy thoughts, trying to get into the body of being an adult. He wiggles his body a little bit until he scrunches up and shakes his body, almost as if to shake away the feeling of being little.

He can feel the nappy on him, and that he isn’t wearing pants, he isn’t sure how he feels about it. Because it is slightly uncomfortable to be in the diaper as a grown adult, but the safety and security he feels from it is nice. He likes the feel of it, the fluffy safety.

He wishes he could keep wearing it, but he knows that people will notice it, it isn't really easy to hide either. He might ask Harry if they can get some pull-ups so he doesn’t have to worry as much. And that he can feel safer.

He feels like he’s on the edge between little and adult, like any small thing can make him slip again. The big boy thoughts are trying so hard to win, but so are the little thoughts. And he just needs something that can pull him the rest of the way. And he knows what that might be. A cigarette. He said to Harry he would try and stop though, and he really wants to, he just isn’t sure how. He needs it, he really needs it. He was allowed outside of headspace, but it just feels wrong to do right now, especially with a nappy on.

“Can uh… Can I change?” He asks, still timid because of being on the edge. He doesn't want to change though.

“Of course, baby, what are you thinking you want to wear? Just sweats?” And Louis can’t help but feel like he will slip by Harry using the little pet name. He just feels so small and sensitive.

“Yeah,” he just mutters. Trying to shake the little feeling, when someone knocks on the door. It has been at least half an hour Louis notices, did it really take him that long to age up? It barely felt like five minutes.

Harry asks them to come in and it is just Liam trying to lightly hurry them up. He doesn’t want to be late for soundcheck but he understands it can be hard, so he nudges Harry and whispers something that Louis doesn’t hear.

“Come on, let’s get this show started!” Harry sings, happy that it seems like there are no problems. Louis gets redressed and Harry helps with getting the nappy off, but he notices Louis longingly staring at it like he wants to keep it on, Harry thinks he might need to buy some pull-ups for Louis to wear when out of headspace, so he can still feel the security of it.

“Finally! You guys are so slow!” Niall yelled, hanging over the side of the couch, being weird like Niall is, which made Louis giggle, Harry loved to hear that. While Niall got up, messily, they all gathered their phones and the small things they needed with them, which wasn’t much, but some of them liked to have a piece of candy or hair tie with them. Zayn had his headphones so he could listen to some chills while they got dressed and ready.

They all pile out of the bus and go towards the venue, when they hear a few girls scream, which only makes more and more fans come and gather around the fence there is in front of the busses they have. Louis sighed, he really wasn’t feeling this, he loved the fans, yeah, but he also just felt so overwhelmed with this all happening, while he is still on the edge.

He grabbed a cigarette and asked Zayn to light it, and he did. Louis felt the air fill his lungs and when he breathed out, he felt his anxiety slowly dissipating into the air with the smoke. He felt like he was breathing out his feelings like he could breathe easier and heavier when he was smoking. Which probably wasn’t true, but he felt much more at ease.

Harry looked over from where he was standing at the fence, waving and trying to talk to the fans, when he saw Louis taking a long drag, he knew it would happen, he just wasn’t prepared for it to happen so soon after he aged up. He had hoped Louis would wait a bit and that the urge wouldn’t be as strong, but he also knew that it was an addiction, and addictions are hard to deal with. He just hopes it can at least be a few days before Louis gets urges for drugs, at least the hard ones. Weed he can handle that he smokes, but some of the other ones… He really doesn’t like it. It makes Louis a whole new person, it makes him look like a zombie. And he does not like it when Louis is a zombie and not himself.

The two boys, Zayn and Louis, stood a bit away from the fence and the fans so they could smoke, while Liam, Harry and Niall were talking to them, the few that were there at the start, turned into hundreds and they had to be escorted in. Harry liked that he could quickly talk to some of them, hopefully make them remember the day, make them just a tad bit happy. He loves making the fans happy. He would do almost anything for them.

Louis and Zayn get pushed towards the door, even though they were still smoking, Louis on his 3rd cigarette at the time. He just felt like he needed it, especially for the day he was going to have.

They get in and start getting all the directions on where to be, and what to do. Like usual, except Louis seemed a bit distant, he was still feeling the effects of regressing. They all got told the same things they get told each time, that they have to be safe with falling off the stage, they have to not pay attention to only one piece of the crowd, but all of it. And they get a little tour of the stage and behind it.

Then they start soundcheck, and all get plugged into their earbuds and start testing them, to make sure they hear correctly. Louis wearing his 28 ones, he felt so happy that he had these.

It felt to Louis like it took forever, he just wanted a nap, he felt so tired. Even though he really likes playing shows, it isn’t going to feel the same as when he is under the influence. He hoped he could get a hit sometime soon, he really was needing it.

He doesn't know if he can handle being on stage and in front of everyone, so bare, in a way. He feels like everyone is staring at him and judging him, he really doesn't like the judging looks. And rationally he knows that they probably aren’t judging him, that at least a bit of the fanbase loves him, but he just can’t shake the thought. It's too deep in his mind, and sometimes drugs can help that. They can help with the feelings he has and the overwhelming anxiety and worry he gets. It’s just easier when he is high on something!

Before they wait for the show, not much happens. They’re all just sitting in the little room chatting, well Louis isn’t, he is just filled with nerves and anxiety, but the rest of them are feeling okay. Harry is a bit stressed that he can’t seem to get Louis engaged in a conversation. He just sits and stares down at his slightly shaky hands or the wall. He sometimes looks around at the boys when he hears his name, but he isn’t following what they're saying. He feels trapped by his mind. He can’t seem to recall the events that happened while he was in his headspace, however he knows it was nice. He can remember the feeling he got from Harry, the warmth. He can’t figure out if he misses that feeling, the safe comforting feeling, or if he never wants to feel it again, cause he can’t seem to remember!

What did go on? Did he embarrass himself somehow? He just needs to know, could he ask Harry? Or is that weird to do? There is a conflicting war inside his head, what should he do, is the big question. Carry on like it was fine and that he isn’t worried, or actually ask Harry what happened and to get clarifications? Is it even worth it right before a show? To get his feelings out in such a bad time, he doesn’t think it is worth it. So he keeps quiet, staring down at his hands.

They go on stage, and Louis is terrified.

Chapter Text

They start singing the first song, one of their hit songs, and he can feel the music in his body, and it helps, it makes him feel better. Still absolutely terrified, but better. It gets to his part and he worries, he knows he sang it all right last time, but what if he sings it in the wrong order or something horrible? He loves this song, but it just scares him to sing when he isn’t fully sure what the lyrics are. He could really use a drink.

He maneuvers over to Harry and tries to whisper to him that he wants Harry to sing the part he almost messed up last time. He just can’t bear to sing wrong today, it will hurt him too much.

“Psst, can you sing my part again, please?” He whispers when Harry takes out his earpiece. Harry just nods and smiles, skipping over to the end of the stage. They don’t really have a choreography when on stage, they just have to be presentable and interact with the audience, the fans.

Even though Louis was very anxious the whole concert, he actually didn’t do anything wrong, he sang all the right places, the right tones. And he didn’t misremember the lyrics. He did well. And now he is sober and can actually feel the pride. He can let himself feel happy about it. This is a new and exciting feeling, however, it is also tiring, cause his anxiety is still present and it makes it feel conflicting after some time. When they all gather in the green room, he starts to get anxious, knowing that he usually has a post-show drink. He can’t.

In some odd way, he feels so pumped up and energetic, but at the same time feeling like he ran a marathon, he feels used up. Like he has no energy left. At least not in his brain. He knows it will create some problems if he doesn’t speak up about it with Harry, but he can’t let himself think too much about the bad, he needs to think positively!

On the other hand, he really could use a drink, he could just down some alcohol, any kind, just to get a slight buzz. He needs it. And with that thought he sneaks over to the table and pours himself a generous drink, of what seems like a gin and tonic premix. Or something. He doesn’t care much at this point, to be honest. He just needs a buzz, and he needs Harry not to tell him no. He knows that he shouldn’t break the rules, not this short into the whole thing, he just can’t see another way. He needs this. And he doesn't fully care what Harry has to say about it. So what he drinks a little, it isn’t gonna be like he’s gonna get wasted, he knows better.

The drink doesn't take long until it's empty and Louis pours another one, just a small one, he thinks. Which evidently turns into small half-dusen drinks so far, and he knows Harry is going to notice. He is glad that the gin and tonic mixture looks like water and since he poured it in a normal cup, it doesn't look out of place, especially not after a concert. He can feel his head being a bit more cloudy and him being dizzier than usual, he welcomes the feeling of no control. He loves the way his limbs feel like they're floating. It makes him not think too much about all this stress he has.

He slowly makes his way over to where Zayn is sitting, slowly because if he went faster maybe Harry would notice the slight waver in his steps and how uncoordinated he looks. He has the control over this. He can decide how drunk to be. He thinks.

“Hey, Zayn, do you want to go out today? I know a great bar not too far away from here,” Louis says, in what he hopes is a whisper, however, his voice is wavy and slurred, making Zayn know he has already had a drink.

Zayn shakes his head, not sure what to say to this half-drunk Louis. While he would love to go out with Louis and have a chill evening, he knows Louis is a reckless drunk, he does things he usually wouldn’t. He gets buzzed often, but full-on drunk means bad things for Louis, and therefore also the rest of the band.

He decides to just say yes, he needs a day out too, and if Louis can keep it cool it should be fine. Louis gets pumped and almost cheers when he hears this, the alcohol already having lifted his mood. He feels like flying, this is great, and now with Zayn saying yes he can have a great evening! With no responsibilities.

He sits and chats with Zayn a bit and they decide to get Niall and Liam to join them, and they both know Harry isn’t going to join them. Harry likes going out, but not to a club like the rest of them, he prefers quieter places, where you can talk and not go deaf. And the rest of the boys have a tendency to only go partying at clubs or loud bars.

So Louis decides not to ask Harry, mostly because he is so worried about what Harry would say to him drinking, he knows he really shouldn’t., but he just needs to let go and not feel all this pressure for a while, he needs a break. Though… Regressing made him feel like he had a break from the pressure surrounding him. No, he can’t think like that, he is an adult and he can make his own decisions, he can go drinking if he needs or wants to. He doesn't have to ask Harry permission to go out and have some fun. Even though he really wanted to be around Harry and feel his safe presence, he wanted to drink more.

The rest don't think too much about it when Louis says “Harry isn't coming” as it is a pretty normal thing to happen.

When they all shuffle out and onto the bus, Harry grabs his arm slightly and pulls him towards him, a bit away from the others, and asks him in a low tone if he is okay, he seems okay, but he also seems buzzed, and that makes Harry worried.

“M’ fine,” Louis grumbles out, he really does not feel like being interrogated by Harry on why he is slurring his words or is a bit off balance. He just needs a break, and he needs to be bad. Not this perfect boy he is shown to be. He needs a break.

“Okay, I’m just checking up buddy, are you going to come cuddle with me?” Harry mumbles, stroking the back of his head, making Louis nuzzle his head into Harry’s chest. He for a short moment wonders if he should stay at the bus and let Harry cuddle him to sleep, but decides against it, feeling better with the idea of drinking, than the idea of regressing again.

“Not right now, you can go rest, I’m gonna be with the boys,” Louis says trying to make him go away so he can go out, he feels like a teenager defying his parents' rules, which he basically is. And that is not a nice thought for him right now.

“Yeah I am worn out from that show, it was good not, I liked how you sang, but it was a lot, you know how I feel with that. Come in and cuddle me after, yeah?” Harry says, still holding Louis close, so Louis could feel the vibration of his voice when he spoke, it calmed him. Made him rethink his choices. He doesn’t want to defy Harry, but he made a plan! He is going to stick with his plan, even when his brain is telling him to do something else, he knows himself better.

Louis nods and slowly moves out of Harry’s grip, not wanting to be tempted even more by Harry. He goes to sit beside Zayn and Liam and starts listening to their conversation, hoping he can shake the thought of defying Harry and his rules.

“Oh, Louis! You would know this, where can we go without being mobbed by fans?” Niall says, a piece of crisp still being chewed while he speaks. Louis can’t help but giggle, he looks like a little kid speaking with his mouth full.

“Yeah, I know a few places almost everywhere, what were you thinking, club or bar?” He starts in, he also has known a lot of owners of clubs so he can get in almost anytime he wants. He knows places where only celebs go, where no fans should be, unless they're in some way famous of course.

“Oh! I was thinking of a club, I wanna dance!” Liam says drawing out the e in ‘dance’, he wishes to get all this energy out of his system, he gets so pumped up when they're done with a show and it feels like a great idea to go dance.

“Great! We can go to ‘Pegasus’ they play nice 90’s music and some 00’s bangers- How does that sound? They also have a celeb-only guest list, but of course, I can get us in,” Louis states with a smirk, knowing that he can only get in cause he used to give cocaine to the owner.

“Ey! Sounds like a great plan, I just need to have a lil’ shower and we can head off,” Liam says, they all nod and chime in that they should all have a shower before they get going, they all get very sweaty from a concert, it gets too warm up on the stage.

Louis hangs out and chit-chat with the others until it is his time to shower. And while he can feel himself being sobered up by the shower, he also knows it's a good idea to get a bit more sober and un-dizzy so he can get going over there.

It's only in the shower he realises he has barely had any food today, and that is going to mean he is going to get drunk, very, very fast.
“Are you all ready to go? Micheal said he would drive us there and security would need to come with us, Is that cool?” Liam says, being the first one showered and ready. They all nod and get going, Louis asking if they could stop by a corner shop to get a pack of cigarettes, he needs one.

They all pile into the car and get going, Liam in the front seat, while Niall, Louis and Zayn are in the back seat, squished together. Louis is in the middle as he is the smallest of the three. They all get cosied up, it's a bit of a drive, maybe 20 minutes to get there, so they keep changing who decides the music. Louis feels so alive and cared for, now that some of his best friends are willing to go to a bar with him. He is very appreciative of them, and glad he has found some people like them who can tolerate him.

While he knows he is thinking the worst of himself, and making this a much bigger thing - probably the alcohol speaking - he is still so happy to be around these amazing people. But Harry. Yeah, Harry. What should he have done without him, he is the one he is closest to out of the whole band. Harry is his, and only his. No one can have him.

He tries not to feel bad about lying to Harry and defying the rules, he even really likes the rules. He loved that he had some frames to what he could do, why was it so hard to just follow them? He couldn’t even do a few days with rules without breaking them, and he feels bad, not bad enough, but he feels bad. Why can’t he be a free agent and not need to have rules like a kid? However, he really loves that he has rules… He is in a constant predicament. This is such a hard world to live in. What has he done?

“Okay boys, stay here I will be right back, anyone needs anything?” Louis says when they reach the corner store on the way to the club. He just needs a pack of cigarettes to deal with the evening, he doesn’t want to be chain-smoking, and he is hoping he won't even smoke at all, but he knows that isn't going to happen, he will be smoking like a chimney this evening.

No one needs anything so he goes and crawls over Zayn to get out. He is glad the corner shop is a bit out of the city so there is less chance of him being seen by a fan, that would not fly well right now. He doesn’t need to bump into a fan and be friendly when he only wants to go drinking and smoking.

He goes into the shop and goes up and down the small isles, needing to see if they have a small snack he can eat on the way, he decides on a small bag of Cheeto Puffs, just to get a little bit of food in his stomach for drinking like he needs to. He didn’t want to get sick too fast or get too drunk before he had a chance to dance and feel the buzz.

As he goes out he lights a cigarette, he bought two packs so he could be sure not to run out during the night. When he gets to the car the door opens and Niall looks at him disappointed, slightly shaking his head, about to say something.

“Dude, we are not waiting in this car while you smoke, i want to get drunk and dance!” Niall says, he means it light-hearted, Niall knows that Louis is addicted and that smoking is a way to cope, he really did just not want to wait in a car, he could have at least bought some alcohol they could have on the way.

Niall and Liam are the ones that hold their alcohol better than the rest, they are bigger and have a higher tolerance, plus they drink beer instead of liquor like the others. Louis is the odd one out, he gets drunk within a few drinks, and he gets hammered when he gets drunk. He loves it.

“Oh, you’re finally done! Let's get to partying!” Niall says when Louis mushes his way into the middle back seat.

They have a small chit-chatter while Louis gives directions to where the club is. It’s messy, but they are all like that. There are being yelled at, laughed and shared memes throughout the ride, even though it isn’t such a long ride. They have fun. This is exactly what Louis needed, he needed a day out without any responsibilities, and he knows that at this club, no one will care how he acts. He can just be himself, whatever that is. He's not really sure what being himself is, as he has needed to play a specific part for almost half his life.

What if he can never really find himself again, what if he just stays this personality-less human who's made to play shows and sell singles? Will that be all he is in life? He can’t help but think about it, and it hurts his head. He doesn’t like to get too much into the “what ifs”, but he can’t help it. The thoughts are just so much easier to listen to than the good or positive ones. It is just too hard.

He tries to focus on giving directions to the club, as he doesn’t actually know the address or the name. Only where it is located, but sometimes it is like that- which Niall will tease him with forever.

As they get to the club Louis’ voice gets louder, he is more excited about this than playing a show. He really just wants to get drunk. To be fully honest, he still feels bad for doing this to Harry and is worrying about what he will say and do when he gets back. Harry took the initiative and took care of him when he needed it, which is probably why Louis is missing him and regretting this trip. But, it is what it is. He hopes. 

Chapter Text

“Liam! Let’s do shots, I’m feeling it!” Louis yells over the loud music, a tray of shots in hand as he stumbles over to him. He can’t see that Liam is talking to a very nice girl, whom Louis is fully ignoring. He wants to get drunk. And while he can already feel the buzz deep in his bones, he wants to feel floating, actually, he wants to feel nothing at all. And that means; more shots, more alcohol, and maybe some weed if he can score any. He knows one person in this crowd who definitely has some weed on him. Or at least he used to, but that will have to wait till later, he thinks.

“But, Louis, you seem drunk enough right now, and I’m having a bit of fun…” He trails off. He also wants to do shots, but this girl! This girl! He feels torn: his best friend or a girl who is probably going to ditch him later. That’s an easy choice for him; he chose his best friend.

Louis lets out a little squeal, he is overly joyed that he can get more alcohol in him. He’s feeling over the moon, so happy, and he can’t help but want to share this feeling. So he takes up his phone and opens his private Instagram, the one only his friends and family have, so he can still share his life online but not get mobbed by fans.

He posts a silly selfie with the tray of shots, misspelling horribly on the caption which reads: “Out wit me bous, we aree dunk and happi” He forgets in the moment that Harry is very often one of the few people that checks his posts and stories, and that he didn’t want Harry to know he was out drinking.

Harry would have noticed anyway, by him coming back to the bus drunk, by the other boys telling him, by the hangover, he was going to see. He always noticed things like this.

His smile begins to falter as he starts thinking of Harry, Harry and his big hands and comforting arms. The way he would hug him so close and would kiss his temple when he thought he was asleep. There was just something in him that screamed after the comfort Harry gave.

No! He was going to talk to Liam and take shots as the independent adult he is! He doesn’t need the comforting arms of Harry or the nice smell of his warm body.

“Come on Liam, cheers!” He yells, forcing a shot-glass into Liam’s hand, spilling a little bit on his pants, which none of them care much about, they’re partying.

They yell and cheer, then down the many shots on the table. Louis isn’t sure how he is feeling other than the floating feeling of his feelings dissipating. It makes him feel better, makes him feel like he doesn't care about the rest of the world.

As he decides to go dancing with Niall, he gets a notification on his phone, it's a worried text from Harry reading; “I thought you were tired, Louis what is this, you were supposed to take care of yourself, let me come pick you up and we can cuddle before your hangover gets too bad? Love H.” It makes Louis second guess his decision, he just can't handle the sweet words Harary is throwing at him, he really is too sweet. Why does he have to care about him? It would all be so much easier if he didnøt care, that would mean Louis could do whatever he wanted, and not have to worry about what someone else was thinking of it. Or if he was hurting someone else when he was in his self-destructive phases. Why does it have to be so hard to be cared for? Why is he even cared for…

He feels a small tear fall down his cheek and raises his hand up to wipe it away. But as he does he feels his stomach churn, he feels sick, but in his head and body. He can’t seem to make himself walk to the bathroom and decides just to go outside the club, where there is now a heap of young people, and stands to the side, knowing that he will probably throw up within a few minutes.

He feels bad for those who need to clean this up tomorrow, however, he doesn't care much about those when he can feel the alcohol rise in his throat. It spills out and he coughs and spits. He feels like death. This is not how he wanted his night to end.

He had such a nice evening, he was partying and happy, and he was having a good time, why did he have to ruin everything, why did he have to ruin this night too? He feels worse and worse as more tears run down his face, really not having the energy for all this.

He wonders if he should go back to the bus and cuddle up with Harry, he needs to be comforted, he needs to not feel as horrible as he is right now. But wasn’t Harry disappointed in him? He broke one of the main rules within a few days, this wasn’t good. Can he even go back to Harry in the same way? Will Harry still want him as his baby? He can feel more tears and snot run down his face, both a mix of sadness and just pure drunken haze.

This was not the night he was hoping for.

“Hey there lil’ man. Shouldn’t we get you home?” A man comes up to Louis and caresses his back while speaking, Louis feels like he has seen him before, but cannot remember where. Everything in his mind feels like a distant memory, like something he saw in a photograph ten years ago. He just nods, clumsily wiping off the snot running down his nose and onto his lips.

“I got you, what do you say we find Zayn and Liam again, yeah? They must be missing you, and you don’t want Harry to see you all like this when he comes,” the man says, Louis can clock that the man knows the boys so he must also know the man. He tries to think so hard about who this could be, his mind is just blank. There is no recognition in his mind, which makes him think that maybe this is just a random man, someone who has been spying on him and is trying to steal him for some crazy slave trade. Or something like that. He tends to get a little paranoid sometimes, but it could be true!

He could run away, he isn’t that drunk, only a little bit. It would be in a clumsy way but he can find his way out to a big street and into some place that could call Harry for him.

He decides against it and follows the man into the club again, the Music sounding even louder now than it has been the whole evening, almost deafening him. He can’t even seem to think because of the loud music. He is really drunk. As they maneuver through the club he spots Liam, Niall and Zayn sitting in a booth next to the bar, he can’t even remember where they were sitting before, but he knows it wasn’t next to the bar, as he almost dropped one of his drinks on the way to their table.

“See who I found, I think it is time to get this little boy back to Harry, can you do that for me?” The man says, and he gets a small push on his back towards the others, where Niall is the first to stand up and engulf the boy.

Louis feels like he is suffocating, in a good way, he really needs to be held and to be held close, very close. All this comfort makes his brain go fuzzier than he likes, he knows that this means he is slowly regressing into his headspace. He doesn’t feel like it, he wants to be an adult and party, however, on the other hand, he also really wants to cuddle up with Harry and be taken care of.

“Thanks, Justin, I didn’t know you were here, how did you find Louis?” Liam says while petting Louis’ hair. Liam is close to Justin so he moves over to the side to chat a little bit with him, while Niall holds a still-crying Louis.

Louis is on the verge of having a full breakdown, he is still so nauseous, and still so sad, he can’t believe this happened to him. He’s an adult, he can drink how much he wants, why does he have to act like a baby just because of a little alcohol?

“Justin told me that Harry called him to come get you, Louis did you really ignore Harry?” Liam says with a small hint of disappointment in his voice, while he isn’t as disappointed as he should be, maybe because of the drinks he had today that are making him more giddy and happy, or because he simply cannot be disappointed with this little ball of sadness in front of him.

And even though Liam wasn’t disappointed in him, Louis was, he was feeling so down about it all, his small tear tracks turning into sobs. He was just being held by Niall. And he couldn’t help it when his mind slowly reverted back, he could feel himself become pudding in his arms. Not sure what to do other than cry, so he cries harder, fisting Niall's shirt.

Niall isn’t the type to be this comforting so he just stares at the boys, bewildered, he never really had to be this supportive of Louis, and not in such a public setting, he has no idea what to do. He ends up just hugging him and slowly moving towards the door and heading to the car so they can drive back to the bus. He knows Louis needs someone else who can comfort him more than he can, but he can’t just let go of him, that isn’t fair.

He mouths a small “help” to Liam when they reach the door, as he can’t both hold Louis up and pat his back and open the door, so Liam does what Liam does best, and picks up Líuis and carries him like a little koala outside to the car.

Liam decides to sit in the back seat, so he can still hold Louis close by and not have to move around too much. He sits him down and clasps a seatbelt over him, Louis' fingers going up to his mouth, which shocks him a little. Liam isn’t as well known when it comes to age regression, but he understands it. So he doesn’t say anything to Louis having popped a thumb in his mouth, he obviously needed the comfort.
Zayn gets in beside Louis on the other side while Niall goes to the passenger seat, Zayn can see Louis’ body shaking from the small sobs escaping the boy, and he can’t help it when he takes the boy’s hand and holds it in his. He knows how hard it can be to regress involuntarily and so suddenly, especially when he has been drinking. He wishes he could do more for the boy, but maybe some snuggles with his Harry will be all he needs.

“See Lou! We are at the bus, wanna go snuggle with Harry? I bet he missed you!” Zayn says, trying to fake some excitement, the boy had been crying the whole ride and his eyes were all droopy now. He could barely keep himself awake, but at the mention of Harry he broke down, he felt oh so bad for disappointing him, he really didn’t want to be lying and breaking the rules, he just felt so bad! He needed to go out, but it was definitely not worth it, he could see that now. He can understand why Harry was so adamant about letting him go out and drink.

Zayn can’t help the little gasp that comes out as the boy breaks down, he mouths to Liam to go grab Harry and he slowly gets out of the car and goes to the bus to catch Harry.

Louis kept crying, sobbing more and barely breathing, it worried Zayn. He wanted to comfort the bo but he had never really seen Louis in such a misery. What could he do?

“D-Daddy!” Louis sobbed, seeing the man he cared for so much, he didn’t know what he could do, other than hold him and comfort him. He just needed his Daddy.

“Oh, baby, yes Daddy is here, I’m right here,” Harry says, barely able to see the boy so upset without getting upset himself. He knew he needed to help him calm down and breathe properly again. So he pushed back his feelings, closed his eyes to keep in the tears forming in his eyes, and took a deep breath. He can do this, he just needs to take care of his baby and make him feel better.

“Oh, baby, can you breathe with me? Deep breaths!” He encouraged Louis, hoping that the boy would be able to breathe better and maybe not be as upset. Even though he had no idea why he was so upset, he wanted to make it better, he always wanted his baby to feel good and happy. Hating to see the boy in distress, and nothing seemed to work. He tried breathing deeply and guiding the boy, encouraging him more. But nothing seemed to work. The boy almost seemed worse the more care Harry gave him. Harry wasn’t sure what happened or why he was in so much distress, and it wouldn’t help just asking, as the boy was barely in a mindset where he could put words to the feeling.

Honestly, Louis didn’t know why he was crying so much, he felt like such a disappointment to Harry and his friends. And maybe the alcohol was also making it harder for him to calm down, but he felt like he couldn’t breathe. Like he was being trapped underwater and was being held down by some evil weight. He felt like drowning.

“D-Daddy, me n-no breathe,” He stuttered out between hiccups and short breaths. Harry knew this feeling, he knew that Louis would be able to breathe fine if he could calm down and take deeper breaths, it was hard though, Harry was unsure how to make a child able to calm down, not really having any experience in it other than Louis’ siblings. And he wasn’t as close to them as he wanted to be.
“I know you can, baby, just take slow deep breaths, in and out,” he guided, placing a hand on Louis's tummy and moving Louis’ hand onto his chest, so the boy could feel him breathing deeply and slowly.

“Breathe like me baby, feel your tummy grow when you breathe, don’t want you getting sick, baby,” he tried, hoping that the smaller boy could feel better so he could try and assess the situation, he was obviously drunk, he knew that from the alcohol smell on his breath and the way he was slurring his words, which maybe could have been because of the crying, but he was out partying, so, of course, he would be drunk.

Harry was a little bit disappointed, he knew the boy would break the rules, but he just didn’t know it would be this soon after making them. Was this why Louis was so sad? Did he feel like he failed the other boy? Harry really hoped that wasn’t the reason.

The boy was slowly getting his breathing under control, feeling like he wasn’t drowning anymore, he could actually take a breath.

“M’ sorry daddy, no wanna be bad boy, but felt bad,” he says, after a bit of hiccupping, he felt better and wanted to apologise to Harry, as he really did feel bad about drinking, and felt like a bad boy.

“Baby, it is totally fine, I don’t think you’re a bad boy, sometimes rules get broken. They are only there to keep you safe,” Harry said, rubbing the boy's back gently.

The boy nodded and Harry carried the boy onto the bus, it was a bit hard to do with how small the door was, but Harry was strong so he managed. Louis is also a bit smaller than him, so he is easier to carry around and hold.

As they get into the bus Louis feels sick, but he just feels so close to Harry being carried like this, and he loves the closeness he is experiencing, it makes him feel so much better. So of course he didn’t say anything. He wanted to be close to his daddy.

“Come on baby, let's sit here for a bit and get some water in you, huh bubs?” Harry says, gently swaying him a bit while getting a cup of water. He needed the boy to get some water in him and maybe also some food, so he could soak up all that alcohol he had in him.

Harry carries him to the couch and gets a blanket to fold up around him, Louis moves so he is sitting chest to chest with Harry. His tummy feels icky but he isn’t sure what it means.

He is glad Harry isn’t too mad at him, or disappointed in him, like he thought he would be. His feelings are all a jumble though, not sure if he should trust that Harry isn’t mad at him, it feels like Harry should be mad at him, feels like he did something really bad, feels like he shouldn’t be getting cuddles and cared for, when he broke a rule, and he lied too. He just feels so bad.

He also feels sick. Like sick sick. He can’t help the little gag that starts when his stomach flips and the bile rises to his mouth.

“Lou? You going to be sick?” Harry said, just as Louis gagged again and bile and vomit fell out through his mouth onto the couch and blanket, also onto Harry’s chest.

He felt awful, he just threw up on his daddy, all over his shirt and chest. Louis started crying again, he can't believe that just happened, he got his daddy all dirty, and if that wasn’t enough, he feels the bile come up again. Shaking his head, tears springing from his eyes and small sobs racking through his body. He just feels awful.

Harry was faster this time, having grabbed a stray plastic bag that was lying on the counter by the couch. Holding it up to Louis’ mouth and rubbing his back.

As Louis throws up into the bag Liam, Niall and Zayn go through the door from the bunk area of the bus. He hadn’t noticed that they left the couch area before now.

“Oh no, what happened, shall we get something, Harry?” Zayn rushes out as he sees the scene, Louis and Harry covered with some bile, and Louis still throwing up in a bag.

“I think Louis is a bit sick…” Niall says, making Harry smile slightly, he probably shouldn’t be joking when Louis is sick and should take this seriously, but Niall has a way to be funny.

“At least it was your bad shirt, Harry,” Niall adds on, making Harry snort and Louis look up between the two, not really understanding what that means in his headspace, but he is glad to see his daddy not upset with him. He likes seeing his daddy smile. It makes him Happy.

“Haha, you’re right, but I think it is time for me and Louis to get cleaned up, can some of you make a small waffle in the air fryer?” He asks the boys, who are snickering a bit, Louis just being confused and trying to push away from his daddy, he doesn’t like the feeling of the bile between them.

“Daddy, icky!” He says, trying to point at his tummy, to in a way signal that he is feeling sick again.

“Oh, yeah, let’s get you a bucket and some painkillers,” Harry mumbles, picking up Louis and taking him to the small shower that is in the bus, they can both fit if they are standing, but he isn’t sure if he can be carrying Louis in the shower, he will try.

“I’ll make him a small waffle while you get cleaned up, Zayn can you get a bucket for when they get out of the shower? I imagine Louis will be sick for a while,” Liam says, taking the role of the cook, even though it isn’t that difficult to make a waffle in an air fryer. He takes the job very seriously. Zayn nods and looks around to find a bucket while Harry carries Louis to the shower.

Harry figures out that there is enough room for him to be holding Louis while still being inside the shower. As he decides to undress Louis, he sits the boy on the closed toilet lid, wiping the boy's mouth with his sleeve, getting a bit of bile on his sleeve. Harry doesn’t care though, he can wash the shirt, it isn’t the end of the world, and he has also had his fair share of bad hangovers.

“Raise your arms baby,” Harry mumbles, gripping the bottom of his shirt to pull it over his head, getting some of the bile that was on the shirt into his hair, he should have thought of that, oh well. He can be washed.

After Louis’ shirt is off he can’t help but raise a thumb to his mouth, he seeks comfort, and he feels so sick. He just wants to get cuddles from Harry and not be feeling sick. Why can’t he just get that right now?

“Don wanna, wanna cuddle,” he says as Harry is only in his boxers, and Harry is untying his shoes, sliding them off.

“But baby, we need to shower to get all this icky off, then we can cuddle! I promise,” Harry encourages, Louis needs to get the bile washed off, and so does Harry, and he needs some food in his system. He can’t survive on only drinks and shots.

“O-Otay,” Louis mumbles around his thumb. Letting Harry carry him into the shower to get washed off.

The shower is slow, Louis getting sleepier by the second, the warm water running down his body and the body heat from Harry making him feel comfy and ready for bed.

“Close your eyes, baby, I need to wash your hair, and we don’t want you getting soap in your eyes.”

“Mhm,” Louis says, closing his eyes, and getting the bile washed out of his hair.

The rest of the shower is very uneventful, and as Louis is getting dried by Harry Liam knocks and says that there is a waffle and water ready for when they are done. Liam has also found another blanket he can use to cosy the boy up with. Harry thanks him and carries the boy to the bunk area.

“We gotta get a diapy on that butt of yours, you okay with that buddy?” Harry says sitting him down on the middle bunk, rummaging through the box of goodies he had, finding a diaper and a pacifier for the boy.

“Yes! Cuddle after?” Louis asks, smiling as Harry pops the pacifier in his mouth.

“Indeed baby, and Liam has made a yummy waffle for you!” Harry exclaims, happy to see the boy feeling a bit better, at least he isn’t crying anymore.

“M’ still feel bad for breaking rules, m’ sorry daddy,” Louis mumbles, a diaper being taped up around him.

Harry shushes him, not wanting to talk about it when he was just finally feeling better, and he wants to talk in-depth about it with adult Louis.
“It’s okay Lou, we can talk about it later, let's go eat your waffle!” He says carrying the boy to the couches, Liam is sitting watching some soccer game while the other two are on their phones, not really noticing the two come in the room. Harry grabs the plate with the waffle and a plastic mug with some nice cold water.

“Here you go baby, let’s find something to watch and cuddle while you get some yummy waffles, does that sound good?” Harry says, as Louis nods excitedly, he loves waffles.

They sit down on the couch, Louis cuddled tightly into Harry’s side, a bucket on the other side, just in case. Harry finds some paw patrol on his phone and plops some earbuds into Louis’ ears, hoping it can calm the boy down a bit, maybe enough to get him to sleep.

He looks down at his boy, just feeling great about this choice he made. Glad that he decided to talk to Louis about age regression, glad that Louis wanted to try it out, and glad that it worked. He is just very glad.

Chapter Text

Louis is fast asleep within a mere 10 minutes, and while Harry wants to keep cuddling him, he should probably move the boy to a better sleeping position. Maybe sleeping with your head all bent isn’t the best idea.

But Harry feels so close to him. He can feel his love for the boy growing the more he is around him. He loves taking care of him and cuddling him. So he decides to stay a little while longer, rubbing his hands up and down Louis’ back. The soft snores that escape the small boy's mouth around his pacifier almost make Harry awe out loud. It is one of the most adorable things he has seen. He really is infatuated with this boy.

There are still the remnants of a waffle on the plate, Louis not having the stomach to eat it all. But it was very yummy! Harry thinks that he should probably clean it up, but then again, cuddling with his boy is much more preferable than cleaning up the dishes. He will do it later, he is not feeling like moving right now. He can hear the other boys chatting quietly, probably to not wake up Louis, and when he hears his name he peaks up, now interested in what they’re talking about. He feels like he may have zoned out while watching Paw Patrol with Louis, even though he had no sound, as Louis had the earbuds in. Which was good, he didn’t want Louis to wake up from hearing the boys talk too loud, they have a tendency to do that. Niall is the loudest, laughing and joking around a lot.

“Whatcha talkin' bout?” Harry mumbles, still caressing the boy's back, hoping that the vibration of him talking wouldn’t disturb the boy.

“Just how we are happy you guys are so close to each other. While I don’t fully understand, it is nice to see Louis more happy and calm than usual. He always seems to be faking something, which neither Zayn nor I can really notice, but it seems like you can,” Liam says, nudging Harry a bit and smiling at Louis.

Harry knew it must be a bit strange to be around, this lifestyle isn’t a very common thing to come by. It must also be weird if you have no idea of what the therapeutic effects of it can be. It can also be seen as if it’s a sex thing, which it isn’t - he would never see it as that. He understands that it can make people judge them, which is why Harry is very appreciative that the boys in the band don't seem to judge them too much, but just accept it.

“I am happy too, it has really been a nice thing to figure out for both of us. I think Louis is feeling better too, or well so I hope,” Harry says, looking down at his boy. He really hopes he is feeling better.

“Well, maybe he isn’t, that whole thing with drinking today was a step backwards, but it should probably get better?” Harry questions, not really sure the more he thinks of it. Is Louis feeling better? Is there always going to be these steps backwards?

“Maybe he is feeling better, and maybe he has gone backwards a bit, but it will come in time, he will feel better in the future,” Zayn says, standing up to grab another cup of water. Zayn didn’t drink a lot, but he could still feel the dizziness, so when he goes to stand up he stumbles a bit, Liam grabbing his arm to steady him.

They all drank a lot, but since Niall and Liam are bigger than the two others they hold their liquor better, and aren’t as affected as the two. But Niall can’t help still having a bit of a giggle, he is just so happy, he is with his friends and he had so much fun during their trip. Even though it ended kind of badly, he was still happy for the memories they all got. The jokes and laughs, the partying and dancing. He really appreciates being with his friends.

“Whoa there, slow down,” Liam says when Zayn waltzes over to the couch again after filling the cup—maybe it’s a little too full. Zayn is unsteady on his feet, which puts Liam in protective mode. He can’t let Zayn fall, and while it probably wouldn’t hurt him, it still wouldn’t be good.

“I’m good Li, don’t worry, just a little unsteady,” He laughs plopping down on the couch, spilling a bit of the water. He can definitely still feel the alcohol in his body, and the others probably can too, or he hopes they can. So he isn’t the only one who is still a bit drunk.

“Thanks though, Zayn, I really hope that he can start feeling better, I want him to have other choices than going to a club and getting wasted. He needs to find something different…” Harry mumbles, looking down at Louis, who is turning a bit, cuddling more into Harry.

“This is a really nice talk, but I really think we should start heading off to bed, we got a show in Birmingham tomorrow, and I for sure need some rest after this long day,” Liam mumbles with a yawn. He turns off the TV and grabs his cup and Louis’ plate to clean them up quickly, what he doesn’t see is that Harry has his legs outstretched and clumsily falls over them, dropping the cup and plate. Luckily the plate and cup are both made of plastic and paper, so they don’t shatter, but it does make a lot of sound.

All of the boys freeze, all of them hoping that the clashing sound didn’t wake up Louis, but of course, it did. Louis turns a bit and scrunches up his face, not happy with the sudden Loud noise and starts whimpering.

Harry had hoped that the earbuds would have caught a bit of the noise and not have woken him up, but guess not.

“Oh, hey little man,” Harry mumbles into his head, rubbing his shoulder and arms when the boy lets out a longer whine, tears start to form in his eyes and he goes to rub them out, opening his eyes and looking up at Harry.

“Daddy… No, wanna,” Louis says through his pacifier, that is hanging out of the side of his mouth, barely staying there.

“What don’t you want to do, Huh bub?” Harry says, not paying much attention to what is going on with Liam and the other boys. Harry decides to pick up the boy to sit on his lap, hoping that some of his warmth and comfort could pacify the boy a bit.

“Dunno, sleepy,” Louis mumbles cuddling more into the man, he is just oh so sleepy! And he feels sick again, and his tummy is feeling weird, he does not like this!

He whines again and bundles his hands up in Harry’s shirt. He needs the comfort. Louis isn’t sure why he is feeling so vulnerable right now, his emotions are all over the place! He can’t even pinpoint what he is feeling sad about, he just is.

“Hmm, let me get you a blanket and we can sit here while the others get ready, huh bub? Does that sound good?`” Harry says, rubbing the boy’s cheek, which makes Louis lean into his hand, loving the touch from the man. He always loved the way Harry’s gentle hands would caress him and touch him so softly.

Louis nods, not saying much, both because he is tired and because his mind seems to get fuzzier by the minute, the loving touches from Harry not really helping.

His head feels underwater like every thought is a bit slower and not as anxiety-inducing. His body getting more relaxed the more Harry is rubbing his cheeks and back. Louis presses himself into the man more, just wanting the soft soft skin of Harry and the warmth! Oh the warmth, it is heaven when they are cuddled up towards each other, the feeling of warmth seeping through Harry’s clothes and into Louis’ bones. The lovely feel of Harry’s chest rising and lowering when the boy was breathing. Louis can almost get hypnotized by it, that and the rhythmic beat of Harry’s heart.

Louis had been thinking so much about Harry’s heart and warmth that he didn’t realise that he emptied his bladder, at least not until Harry picks him up and stands up. Harry walks into the bed bunk area with the little boy in his arms. Louis is just limp in his arms, not even wrapping his legs around the man very tightly. Louis feels like a blob of pudding, his brain not fully recognising that he is moving and getting his diaper opened.

Harry notices that the boy isn’t very talkative, so he just rubs his legs while opening the diaper and getting it away from under him. As he goes to tape the new diaper up Louis suddenly sits up, hand on his throat. Immediately Harry knows what's going on, he is going to be sick, and while the bed-bunk area isn’t ideal for throwing up, he doesn’t have anything the boy can throw up in.

“Louis hold on let me get the bucket,” Harry says shuffling out to the couch area of the bus, hoping he could find the bucket or a bin, just something that can contain the vomit from the boy.

He rushes around, only just finding the bucket that was sitting next to the couch when the boy gags and spews a little bit out.

As the spew from Louis’ mouth runs down his chin a sob escapes him, knowing that there will come more than just this little part. He can feel it in his throat, the vomit rising.

“Dadd-” He doesn’t even get the full word out before some more vomit runs down his chin and into his, well Harry’s, shirt.

Harry is there now catching the rest of the vomit that spews into the bucket. He feels bad for Louis, mostly because he knows how bad these hangovers can feel, but also for how scary it must be for him when he is regressed like this. In his headspace, he probably doesn’t have any idea what a hangover is, or how to manoeuvre them. He just knows that he feels bad.

“Get it all out, bub, you can do this,” Harry says just as Louis lets out another sob, he really does not like this!

“Not wanna be sick no more, helps,” Louis sobs, tears streaming down his face, vomit on his cheeks and chin, and running down his shirt. In his small headspace, he can’t even recall what it is that made him feel so sick, he just knows he had fun, why is he being punished for having fun? He simply cannot understand it, he doesn’t know how to even be in this state while he is regressed.

“I know bub, just get it all out and we can try and get some sleep,” Harry says with a small worry, Louis shouldn’t be feeling this bad just by drinking enough to get drunk, he must have been really wasted, which is also part of the problem with him drinking. Harry knows that when Louis drinks, it isn’t like when the boys drink just to get a good buzz, or get drunk enough to not really know yourself. Louis though, Louis does it differently, he drinks so much he can’t stand, he drinks so much he doesn’t know who he is. He in literal terms gets wasted.

Louis is not a healthy drinker, he drinks mostly because he wants to stop feeling so pressured, he wants to feel free, or not feel anything at all. And alcohol can do that, in way too large doses. So when Louis drinks, he by any means, drinks too much.

Louis has stopped throwing up for a few minutes and Harry thinks it’s a good time to get a little bit of water inboards. With all that Louis is throwing up, and that he probably didn’t drink any water at the bar, he must be dehydrated. And as everyone knows, water and hydration can help not feel so bad when having a hangover.

“Can you lie down while I go wash your paci and get you some water?” Harry says when Louis has stopped his sobs and only just sniffling a bit.

Louis doesn’t really know what to do, so he decides just to nod and lie down. Harry softly rubs his arms while he gets settled, pushing the blanket up around him to make him feel more comfortable.

“Can haf paci?” Louis mumbles, he must have dropped it at some point, not sure when or how, just that he doesn’t have it anymore.

It makes Harry think that he should see if he could find some pacifier clip so the pacifier wouldn’t get lost so easily. He writes it on his mental to-do list for things with Louis. He probably shouldn’t spoil the boy so much, however, they are a big band now, so he can afford to. He also just loves to see him happy, and it would be such a help for him too, so he wouldn’t have to find the pacifiers all the time.

“Of course bub, I will find one, can you lay here for a bit while I find a paci and some water?” Harry questions hoping that the boy can survive a few minutes alone, while Harry doesn’t want to leave him alone, he needs to at this moment. Louis seems comfortable enough under the blanket and duvet.

He sees Zayn brushing his teeth while he goes and grabs some water from the tap, nudging him a bit to get a smile from him.

“I heard Lou is feeling bad, you think he is going to be fine for the show tomorrow?” Zayn asks, he could probably hear Louis throwing up and sobbing while he got ready.

“I hope so, he has done this before, I think he is reacting worse this time because he is regressed, so maybe if he ages up, he will feel better…” Harry ends it with a sigh, he doesn’t actually think it’s going to be fine, not with the way he was acting just a few minutes ago. He hopes.

Zayn goes back to the bathroom and Harry takes that as his cue to go search for a pacifier. He finds one easily enough as he just bought it, it has to be washed first though, so he goes to go wash it when he hears a small whine.

Louis does not understand what is taking his daddy so long! He really just wants to sleep, but he wants to sleep next to his daddy, he wants his big warm arms around him, listening to his heartbeat. So why isn’t he here now? He should be done with getting water now, why isn’t he?

He whines again, hoping to catch his daddy’s attention, why did he just leave? He throws around the blanket a bit, feeling restless and needing to be grounded. He does so much the blanket falls to the floor, which makes him whine again, he lost the blanket that kept him warm! And the duvet is just not very comfortable without the blanket.

He goes to whine when he sees Harry’s head pop up, making a big smile form, he is happy now. He feels so happy seeing his daddy’s pretty face and curls. What makes this even better is that he has a new pacifier in his hands, so Louis opens his mouth, ready for Harry to pop the pacifier in there. He wants the comfort item. He doesn’t notice that Harry is holding a plastic cup.

“Here you go! And see bub, it’s a Bluey one, do you know that show?” Harry says showing off the pacifier, though, Louis hasn’t seen it, he hasn’t seen kids' TV for at least ten years. In this mental state he can kind of recognise the characters as something he has seen before, maybe on Instagram or something, he knows he has seen the dog before.

“Dunno, seem doggie before, can haf? Sleepy,” Louis mumbles, reaching out with his hand to grab it, he wants the pretty blue pacifier.

Harry nods and pops the pacifier in the boy's mouth, ready to snuggle up to him when he notices the blanket lying on the floor of the bus.

“What happened here?” Harry asks, bundling up the blanket, still with a cup of water in his hand, so he can get it around the boy again, getting him all bundled up and cosy.

“Wanted you, you slow,” Louis says, a bit mumbled because of the pacifier. He doesn’t want to spit it out just to talk though, it isn’t worth it.

“Bub, I need you to get at least 5 sips from the water before we can sleep, can you do that? Be my big boy?” He says gesturing to the cup in his hand, the blanket in his other hand.

Louis nods, sadly spitting out the pacifier, letting Harry hold it while he drinks a few sips. It does however hurt his stomach a bit, he doesn’t know how to deal with it so he just whines.

Harry questions what's wrong, but all Louis can do is point to his stomach. He hopes that that single motion can explain what's wrong, but Harry doesn’t seem to acknowledge it, he doesn’t do anything, just sighs sadly. Louis doesn’t know what it means so he whines again. Harry is as conflicted as Louis, how should he explain that it’s the drinking that did this and that he can’t miraculously fix it?

“Sorry, bub, maybe some sleep can help, let’s get you cosied up here and we can cuddle,” Harry says, hoping that a change of the topic and bribe him with some cuddles. Even in his adult headspace, Louis is very fond of cuddles and human contact. He is often times leaning into one of the boys or somehow close to them, though, mostly Harry.

“Mmm…Okay, but want warmth ‘n paci!” Louis demands, getting a small chuckle out of Harry, even in headspace Louis is demanding, and he loves it.

“Yes of course bub,” He chuckles a bit more when he sees Louis smile widely, scooting over a bit so Harry can get in. Harry places the rest of the water on the floor, hoping that if Louis wakes up he can drink a bit more. He also puts the bucket next to it, just in case there is more vomit. He wouldn’t want the boy to throw up in the bunk, so he hopes he can move the boy over if he starts to feel sick.

Louis just lays down, still smiling a bit, having shuffled almost all the way to the wall, only waiting on Harry to get in here. Harry can feel the urgency from Louis, so he rushes to get his shirt and pants off, afterwards getting up in the bunk and shuffling close to Louis.

“Here is your paci, sleepy time!” Harry says popping the pacifier in his mouth, then putting the blanket tightly around the boy while holding him close to his chest. Louis’ small hand comes up and he holds it close to the man's chest, loving the feel of warmth and the heart beating.

He sighs contently, this is exactly what he needed. He needed to be close and relaxed. Needing to get the comfort after what he has been through. He doesn’t want to think anymore, and while the alcohol helped, sometimes being close to someone, feeling the heat and love radiating from them, helps more.

Chapter Text

When Louis wakes up he feels bigger, like his mind is fitting to his body, in a way. He doesn’t really understand this headspace. And while he feels smaller than when in a big headspace, he doesn’t feel as small as he usually is.

He keeps trying to feel it out, hoping to kind of get down into his body again, so he can feel himself. It isn’t working very well. Harry is still clinging to the boy, and the two are cuddling up tightly to each other. So when Louis starts moving his little feet and hands, trying to feel his body, it wakes Harry up.

He didn’t mean to wake Harry up, but he smiles when he sees Harry’s big green eyes and a tired smile. The way he feels when he sees Harry’s face being awake is too much, he smiles too much! Louis can’t help the giggle that escapes his lips, his daddy looks so pretty when he is sleepy!

“Pretty eyes,” Louis mumbles, his hand going up to poke his eye, but Harry catches his hand just before it pokes him.

“Ah-ah Louis, don’t poke daddy,” Harry says, imitating a big kiss on his fingers, still holding his hand in his. The kiss makes Louis giggle again, he feels so giddy right now, this is probably one of the best ways to wake up from a night of sleep. His feelings are bubbling in his stomach, almost like it’s tickling him from the inside. Feelings like these made his brain stumped, he never really knew how to react to them. Good feelings and feelings of being taken care of have been absent for a while. Well, until he joined the band, in the band he got a lot of affection, but it never seemed like it was the right kind.

He always felt like it was a forced love that was pushed on to him. The love from the fans wasn’t even real love, they didn’t know him, they didn’t understand what he was going through and what he needed. They saw the facade he put up, and they loved that, not him.

Louis whines, he wants to not think of all these big feelings, it is like his brain is pushing a narrative that everyone hates him, onto him. Like he doesn’t deserve the good things, such as Harry cuddling him and taking care of him.

However, his mind is also feeling very regressed, it feels very underwater. So he doesn’t actually know what he means if he means that people hate him because when he thinks of it, it is almost like it's incoherent. Like someone is squishing their face while saying it.

He goes to sit up slightly so he can lay on top of Harry, but as he does he can feel spew rise in his throat, and he tries to alert his daddy, patting his chest with his hand fast. Hoping that Harry can understand, but when he only looks confused at the boy, Louis brings his hand up to cover his mouth, hoping that the vomit wouldn’t rise too much and get all over the soft bed.

Harry understands immediately and quickly gathers up the bucket that's on the floor beside the bunk, and puts it under Louis' mouth, ready to catch any vomit that will rise from the boy's mouth.

Louis lets out a sob, he can feel the itching vomit filling his mouth, and he really does not like the taste! It hurts his mouth and it tastes oh so bad.

“I know, bub, I know, let it all out,” Harry says, trying to sit up a bit more so he can rub the boy's back. It was a bit hard to hold the boy up when they were both half-laying down. So he did the best he could to get them both sitting up, even in this very small bunk they shared.

Louis throws up and cries a whole lot, for what feels like hours, but in actuality, it only lasts a few minutes. And then he seems fine, his stomach isn’t hurting, he doesn’t feel nauseous, and he feels okay. He just feels a little light-headed.

“‘M feel okai daddy now,” Louis mumbles, reaching out to pet his daddy’s curls. He looks into the man's eyes and decides right there that he should lay on top of his daddy.

It just seems like such a comfy place to be lying down, so he tries to shuffle around, quite clumsily, but he gets it. He gets sat up enough so he can crawl on top of the man, swinging one of his legs to the other side. Then he lays his head on Harry’s chest. Ready to fall back asleep just like this, because this feels like heaven to him. Cuddling up this close to his daddy, someone who cares so much about him, someone who just held him while he threw up. This is a person who is worth being taken care of. He thinks he will never feel more safe or content as he is right now.

Calm, safe, loved.

He doesn’t really know how to explain this to his daddy, not being proficient with words in this headspace. He just knows he feels safe and loved.

Harry can feel it too. The overwhelming love that is seeping into him from the boy on top of him. That way Louis sat up and in his own clumsy way got so close to the man, and decided to lay so soft on him, just meant so much to him. It meant the world. Louis felt safe enough that he did that. And Harry loves him for that.

They stay cuddled up for a while, both of them not wanting to get up, Louis not even knowing they have to get up soon, but Harry does. Harry knows, judging by the lights outside the curtains, that they should really get up now and get Louis aged up. They have to go to soundcheck in the next venue in not too long. But, if no one wants to wake them up, they can’t be that pressed with time. Harry knew that maybe the boys would wait a bit before waking them up considering Louis’ mental state yesterday, and today.

“Hey… I think it’s time for you two to get up, we leave in an hour,” Zayn peaks his head in and says, making Louis whine. He doesn’t want to get up. Zayn was so gentle when saying that, and Harry really appreciated that. If it maybe was Niall he would have yelled it out and been all excited. Which maybe would not have been good with this sleepy, maybe hungover, regressed Louis.

“Come on. Bubs, we can get up and ready for soundcheck in no time! And after that, we can go get some food, how does that sound? I bet you’re hungry,” Harry says, while Louis nuzzles his head further into the crook of Harry's shoulder, moving a bit up so he feels closer to the man.

“Mh-uh, hungry,” Louis says, he didn’t eat much yesterday so his stomach is growling a little bit, hoping for some food soon.

Harry picks Louis up and gets up himself, ready to change the diaper of the boy, he knows it must be just a little bit wet. And he knows that just a little bit of wee can still create a diaper rash, so he decides to change it.

“Come on bubs arms up,” Harry says after he has changed the diaper and gotten a bit more rash cream on the boy. Just to be safe.

Louis raises his arms so he can get the man's hoodie off and a new shirt on. He really didn’t want to change his clothes, but even in his headspace, he knew he had to look presentable when getting off the bus.

Louis isn’t worrying about Soundcheck and the show yet, maybe because he is in his headspace and it hasn’t crossed his mind yet. Or maybe because he in actuality isn’t that scared of it. It is just another show.

Harry worries though, he knows that Louis is struggling with the shows lately, and the drinking before and after the show. So what is he going to do? Harry knows it’s going to be so hard for him, but he doesn’t know how to help the boy.

Maybe if they didn’t have any alcohol at all, but that wouldn’t be fair for the other boys. Harry doesn’t know what to do, he tries to rack his brain to find some way to fix this. But maybe it isn’t as fixable as he thinks it is. Maybe there isn't a solution.

“Daddy, can me have paci?” Louis asks sweetly when Harry has been stalled a bit after putting some pants on Louis. Louis was unsure what was going on, he just saw the man half-stare into nothingness. And Louis really wanted his pacifier, it is just such a comfort.

Harry nods and goes to the bunk to try and find the one he had while asleep. He finds it and tells the boy that he has to wash it before he can use it, because of germs and such, Louis doesn’t really understand, but he waits patiently. Really wanting his paci.

The morning goes smoothly, Louis sitting very sweetly with his phone watching some children's show while the other boys get ready. Harry didn’t want to tire the boy out so he decided that Louis didn’t need a shower this morning, maybe after the show but not before. And showers had a tendency to make the boy tired, he wasn’t the biggest fan unless he could stay under the hot stream for hours.

All while the rest of the boys make some basic breakfast, cereal, toast and coffee, Louis has gotten a big cup of lukewarm tea. They didn’t have any milk or any bottles yet, but he likes tea, even in his headspace.

“Done Daddy,” Louis says sweetly, licking his lips and holding the cup out towards his daddy. Harry is rushing a bit, trying to find some socks so he doesn’t fully realise that Louis is needing his attention.

Louis whines, why isn’t his daddy looking at him? Does he hate him? This train of thought keeps going, making the boy worried and sad. He doesn't understand that maybe Harry didn’t hear him or that he isn’t paying attention to the boy right now. He just feels hated and uncared for.

He whines again, hoping that the little sound can make his daddy know how sad he is feeling. With the whine, a few tears slipped down his cheeks. He just feels so sad! He thought the man loved him and wanted him to be small, so then why wouldn’t he be taking care of him and helping him?

Harry is oblivious to the boy who’s nearly crying as he walks into the bunk area to gather up some more clothes to wear, he needs to be ready soon. But someone notices the boy, and that one ends up being Zayn. He sees the boy looking sad and staring towards the bunk area, and he understands. He understands that Harry maybe didn’t hear him, to be honest, Zayn didn’t hear him either. He must’ve been too quiet and it is also fairly loud on the bus at this point. Louis’ TV show on his phone is still going, and the others are talking loudly in the back.

Zayn knows what to do though, so he goes over and crouches down to the boy, tapping his knee so the boy’s attention gets to him. Louis just stares at the man, he doesn't understand what he wants and is too sad to ask.

“Bub, should we get you a bit of some yummy waffles?” Zayn asks, gesturing to the table with a packet of waffles next to the air fryer.

He can see the little gears in Louis’ brain working on overtime. So Zayn helps him a bit, and wipes the tears from the boy’s eyes, mumbling that he will make some waffles and Louis nods. Acknowledging that he will get food. It was too much for the boy to figure out if he actually wanted Zayn to make some waffles, or if he just wanted his daddy to come back, so he is glad that Zayn decided for him. And now that he thinks about it, his tummy is pretty hungry, he can’t even remember when he last ate.

While he sits and watches some more Paw Patrol on his phone Zayn is preparing the waffles to put them in the air fryer. He is unsure how long they need, and he can’t really ask Louis. He puts them onfor a few minutes and decides to check in on them there, they probably don’t need too long.

Looking over at Louis he smiles, the boy is smiling down at his phone, small giggles leaving his lips. He looks adorable and happy like this. Zayn is glad that the boy probably has forgotten what he was sad about, he at least isn’t sad anymore.

“Bub, where did you place your paci?” Harry asks when he comes back into the main area of the bus, seeing Louis without his pacifier. He really does not want to go searching the whole bus later when the boy would need it.

“Daddy! Miss you, no leave,” Louis whines, he really was not happy that the man had left him to sit alone, he felt so abandoned.

“Oh, buddy, I didn’t leave, I was just finding some clothes to wear for the soundcheck, can’t go naked can we,” He says and tickles the boy's sides, hoping that a few giggles and some kisses can help his mood. Louis ends up laughing too much and his diaper gets a bit wet. He shyly asks Harry for a change. While he is changing the boy, Harry thinks of ways that he can help the boy age up easily. He really doesn’t want it to be a necessity that he has to age up when he is so joyful in his headspace, but they also have a job and shows to play. And Harry knows that Louis loves the band, he loves the feeling so much, it has just gotten a bit too much lately. There is so much outer stress for the boy, and the pressure to be “perfect”, if that is what they are supposed to be, is just too much. It hit a breaking point for the boys, and some of them handled it better than others.

It doesn’t seem to affect Harry as much as it does for Louis. And while he can understand the pressure that is on them, Harry can’t really understand why he goes for drugs and alcohol. He understands that it is difficult, but how is it that those intoxicants help? He will never fully understand, he thinks. Maybe because he isn’t struggling the same way Louis is. Or maybe because he simply doesn’t get the same feeling from being in a boyband. He loves it, he loves seeing the fans, he loves interviews, sometimes. He just feels so much himself when he is on stage, so why is it that the other boys are struggling so much more? Are they not built for this in the same way? They seem to be loving the attention and the performing, but maybe it just is too much in general.

If it is too much, should they quit it? Should they try and find something that isn’t as taxing on their mental health? But they love it. Harry feels the predicament for the boys, and for himself. Even if he can’t understand, he will try his hardest to do whatever fits with the rest of them, whatever it is that can help. This is probably one of the reasons he decided that, yeah he can be a caregiver for Louis. He can help the boy.

He can only do so much, but he can be there for him, he can help him feel safe and loved. So he does. He makes the boy feel better, and if that is by being in this daddy role, which he doesn’t hate being in, then be it. Without any way to help him, he would feel useless, he would feel like he had no point. So it is also better for Harry.

As he finishes the change, he blows a raspberry on his tummy, happy that the boy seems to be doing okay right now. He carries the boy out while Louis is trying to explain some of the plot that happened in the latest episode of Paw Patrol. Harry can’t really understand it, as he hasn’t actually seen the show, he just knew it was a good children's show.

Harry nods along and tries to match the small boy's energy, but he can’t help but wonder what they should do now that they are going to soundcheck. What are they going to do when it is time to get on stage, he needs to be aged up before that. Harry hates that he has to take the boy out of this blissfully unaware headspace just so they can put more pressure on him.

Deciding that he will worry about it after soundcheck he sits the boy down and begins tying his shoes, as the rest of the boys are already ready to go. And it may be a bit past the time they were supposed to leave. Time goes way too fast sometimes. Harry has no idea how little Louis is supposed to do soundcheck, does he even still remember the songs?

Urg. He said he wasn’t going to worry, and he still did. He can’t help it, it just comes naturally to him, he feels so much love and care for Louis and the other boys, that he worries so much. So much.

“Ready to go you two?” Liam asks already on his way out of the door of the bus. He seems to be really energetic today, but the others can’t figure out why that is. It is just another show, nothing special today. They don’t even have an interview today, they haven’t had one in a while. This is mostly because most of the shows they have been playing lately have been around Britain. So the news articles and TV people are the same around the country. It has been nice for the boys, they have at least a small break.

“Yes, what has gotten you so excited today?” Harry asks with a chuckle while helping Louis to stand up properly. Louis is in this toddler headspace, so he isn’t as wobbly on his feet as he was before in his younger headspace. Harry likes this headspace a lot, the boy seems happier and more playful.

“It is the show we play with the five sauce boys!” Liam says, which suddenly makes Harry worry, he has no idea how the 5 Seconds Of Summer boys will react to Louis being regressed. A pang of guilt hits him, he doesn’t even think of how nice it is to see them again, he only starts worrying. The overwhelming worry is maybe too much for him, he doesn’t need to worry so much about the boy, and he will be fine. At least he tries to force himself to think that. Louis will be fine with the rest of the gang knowing.

“Oh! Mikey,” Louis mumbles, smiling even more. Harry notices his hands moving to fiddle in front of him, almost as if he was nervous, he decides to ask the boy about it but just as he opens his mouth to ask, Niall comes and rushes them out the door. He is also excited to see the boys.

“Come on, come on, we got soundcheck and then the rest of the gang should be here,” Niall sings, excitedly hopping down towards the venue, Harry just chuckles at him and holds Louis’ hand while they walk there.

The crew around them all have been briefed about Louis’ headspace and they don’t ask questions, which Harry is happy about. He doesn’t really know how to manage explaining it to all the crew and the other boys from 5 Seconds of Summer at the same time. He feels that he can explain it to the 5SOS better than the crew, as he can be a bit more personal with it. While wanting to explain the whole thing to the crew so they know, he also can’t explain too much of the personal experience, just for Louis’ comfort. Louis is a bit more private than Harry seems to be, or he tries to be more private, that's why Harry thinks that Louis probably wouldn’t like him to tell everyone about his regression.

They all rush towards the venue and run inside. The first thing that happens is that Niall grabs a soda and some popcorn, he must somehow still be hungry. Harry can hear the little boy beside him giggling as they walk in and see Niall hungrily eating popcorn. Almost like he would never eat again, or that he hasn’t had food for days. But that’s Niall.

“You ready, bubs?” Harry says, guiding the boy towards backstage. He was hoping that while in his headspace he wouldn’t notice if there was a beer or two out. Knowing that there will be some, that’s how it is being a musician, there is somehow always alcohol around them. It is all party time when they’re performing. He thinks it’s stupid, they should be able to live and have fun without being influenced. But oh well, they each have different ways to perform.

Louis nods quickly, he is very excited to see Micheal from the 5 seconds of summer band, he hasn’t seen them in so long, mostly because they live too far away to really meet up often.

He shuffles beside Harry, not really sure what to do, he feels so small in his headspace and not at all able to be where they are. It seems like so much to do soundcheck like he can’t really figure out what he has to do. He can’t really remember. It is almost like looking through a frosted-over window.

They get to backstage and Harry sits Louis down on his lap when he sits on the couch, and Louis responds happily, moving himself closer to the man. He loves being close to him. They both decide to sit a little like that, calming the boy's nerves, even though it isn’t really that bad. Harry can feel that the boy is nervous, even if he doesn’t fully realise it yet.

He sees that the boy is fidgeting with his fingers and the edge of his shirt, which is a tell that he may be a bit nervous, but he looks happy. A big smile on his face and a small faint blush on his cheeks. His smile reaches his eyes and it makes Harry so happy to see.

Soon the rest of the band comes and sits with them, all of them chatting softly, so as to not disturb the cuddling boys. Harry likes this, he can feel that they really do care to make sure Louis is okay, even if they don’t fully understand it.

He sees Zayn get up and get a drink, and that is when he sees that there don’t seem to be any alcoholic drinks or bottles. He didn’t think they would fully stop drinking, he didn’t want to take away their fun and preshow activities they have, but he can’t help to feel relieved and thankful. They really decided not to have any alcohol because of Louis, or maybe it is just now and they will get some later, he doesn’t know. But he still appreciates them. They really care for him and Louis.

They sit for a while and talk, Louis joining in a bit, still talking about how his show ended and that he wanted to watch it again soon, and Harry swears he sees Zayn nod in agreement. There may be something more to uncover from his friend.

After a while of talking the conversation goes to Liam’s and Niall’s girlfriends and Louis gets bored of it pretty quickly, he doesn’t really care about girls much, so he politely asks Harry if he can see his show again. He chuckles and gives his phone to the boy, plopping some airpods in the boy’s ears quickly. Louis sighs in contentment, even though he really likes the other boys, he also really loves his show! He never watched much children's tv when he was a child, they didn’t have a TV and he never really had time to watch TV much.

Soundcheck starts and Louis sits on the edge of the stage, microphone in hand, babbling away. He is happy to be a part of this, even if he can’t fully comprehend what's happening around him. He sits, dangling legs, while the rest of the crew and band rush around on the stage. While he wishes he could join in, he also knows that he probably won't be much of a help, and he is all fine with sitting here giving thumbs up and thumbs down, even when he doesn’t really know what they're talking about.

Chapter Text

Soundcheck goes well, they set up all the lights and microphones, or well the crew does most of it, the band just singing and making sure their in ear pieces work as they should. All is fine and they hang around making jokes.

Harry goes down from the scene and picks up Louis, who is sitting dangling his feet on the edge of the scene. The boy can’t contain his giggles, it was fun being carried by his daddy.

“Are you a little giggly boy, huh?” Harry mumbles with a chuckle. While Louis starts giggling more, he can’t contain his smile as Harry spins around, still with the boy in his arms.

“This is adorable, I love little Louis!” Liam says to them as he walks past them towards the backstage room. It makes Harry smile, he was so sure his friends and bandmates would be in some way disgusted by this. He expected them all to behave like Niall did in the start, even though he has softened up in this small amount of time, he still doesn’t seem to fully understand. This makes Harry even happier that the rest of the boys really don’t care that Louis is an age regressor.

He wishes he could make everyone see that this isn’t some bad thing, that he could make the crew softer around them, so they wouldn’t shoot dirty looks towards them when Louis was just a little happy boy.

Harry decides to tickle the boy while he swoops him up so he is over the man’s shoulder. It makes Louis laugh loudly and squirm around. While he is still being tickled he can feel the growing pressure of his bladder. He decides to alert the man before it's too late, still in a fit of laughter.

“Daddy ‘m gonna pee sto-” He gets out between laughs, and he can’t help it when he feels a little bit of wee run out of him before the man can stop his tickling. Louis blushes blood red, and his whole body tenses when Harry stops tickling him. He moves him around, holding the boy on his hip. Harry understands why, maybe in this bigger headspace he doesn’t feel as safe with the diapers as he was when he was in his younger headspace.

“It’s all fine, baby, we can change you really quick!” Harry says enthusiastically. He thinks that Louis might be a bit scared of the other ones knowing, but that isn’t even the boy’s worry. In this headspace Louis doesn’t mind the diaper much, he just knows there is a chance it could leak, and that would be embarrassing. He does feel weird that he is wearing a diaper, but at the same time they give him such a safety that he doesn’t mind it. Maybe his adult side is showing more with the weirdness of having a diaper on.

But oh the safety he feels! He is so conflicted with these feelings, does he hate or love the diapers? He can’t decide.

“Mhm, okay Daddy, but wanna watch Paw ‘trol” He says still a bit slurred even though he is in a bit older headspace, which Harry finds adorable. He loves it when Louis’ talk is more baby-ish. It makes it somehow more real that he is regressed, making it easier for him to baby him. It also makes it easier because he is a baby or toddler in his mind, just that his body is more adult. It should weird him out, at least he thinks that, but it doesn’t. It just seems right. It seems right to see this fragile boy be more himself and more childish. And that’s not a bad thing.

Harry chuckles and walks to the bus, just as he opens the door he notices that the tour bus for the 5 Seconds of Summer band pulls up beside theirs. He decides he should probably change Louis before they go and say hi to them. So he carries the boy inside, who is babbling about his TV show. Harry thinks that maybe Louis hasn’t been able to be a child for very long, he had to grow up fast, and that makes him more inclined to like the more childish things.

It makes him happy to see him like this, babbling and carefree, Louis was never really carefree. He seemed like it, like he didn’t care and he would joke around and make a fool of himself, but the boys knew. They knew that Louis never really showed himself, that he was as insecure as the rest of them, maybe even more than they were.

Harry gets better at changing him the more times he does it, this time it was a very fast change, also cause Louis helped him a bit. Now that when he is in a toddler headspace, he understands to lift up his bum and not squirm around as much. Which makes the change so much easier for Harry.

Just as he picks Louis up and gets ready to go back to the rest of the gang, he hears a knock on the bus door. And of course, he doesn’t think before opening and sees a very confused Calum.

“Hey, I thought I heard someone in there, why are you holding Lou like a baby?” He says, not an ounce of judgment in his voice, just confusion.

Harry feels like a deer in the headlights, he can’t seem to think straight or even answer back. So he is happy when Louis starts giggling and reaching for Calum.

“Hi!! Missed you!” He exclaims, wanting to hug the other boy so he squirms a bit when Harry doesn’t sit him down so he can hug Calum. Why won’t he let him hug him? He hasn’t seen him in so long.

“Uhm, hi, this is new,” Calum mumbles, looking over his shoulder to where his friends are walking in backstage.

“Er- yeah, this is new, I will explain it all in a bit. I want to explain it to everyone at once, hope that's okay, but it seems like Louis really wants to hug you,” Harry chuckles at the end, Louis still squirming and reaching for Calum.

“Sure?” Calum is confused, and he knows this might not be the best time to ask questions so he decided to go with it. So when Harry puts Louis down and he reaches towards him, he can’t help but hug his friend who he hasn’t seen in too long.

He did miss him, even if the reunion was a bit odd.

They hug for a while, really soaking in the feeling of each other. The problem with having friends who live so far away is that they rarely get to meet up, and when they do it is usually for work. Like playing a show. But they all love that, and they love to joke around before and after shows.

“Hey Louis, do you want to meet the others? I think they missed you!” Harry says to Louis when he lets go of Calum. Bribing him a bit. Harry knows he should get some form of speech ready so he can explain it to them all, but his mind isn’t working the way it should. Too focused on Louis.

“Yes! Missed ‘em too,” He giggles, going to grab Harry’s hand while they walk the short distance to the door. It makes Harry so happy that Louis still needs the reassurance of holding his hand and being close to him, even when he is a bit older.

Louis doesn’t feel in any way shy or weird about himself, not like how Harry is feeling. He feels his cheeks blush as he opens the door, Louis’ small hand in his. It is almost as if Louis can feel that Harry is nervous about this, as he holds his daddy’s hand a little bit tighter, giving him soft squeezes.

“Hey guys, sorry we are a bit late to say hi,” Harry says, his cheeks flushed. The little boy doesn’t really understand why Harry is nervous or why they aren’t hugging the rest of the boys. But he stays still, waiting for Harry to say something and let him go say hi.

“It’s all good, we were just chatting a bit before you came, Zayn said you have some important news to share, hope you aren’t pregnant Harry,” Luke says with a big smile, making all of them chuckle a bit, all except for Harry.

“Er- yes, so… I don’t really know how to start this, but Louis has been feeling kind of down lately, so we tried some new things to help…” He squeaks out, still standing in front of everyone, almost like showing a presentation in high school, he hates this.

He was never good at talking in front of a group of people like this, on stage it is different, there he doesn’t know them and he can pretend and almost act in front of them. He can’t really be an actor right now, at least not when he needs to share something so personal.

“Hey come sit, I bet Louis is tired of just standing there,” Liam says patting the little spot on the couch. Louis nods and skips over there fast, waiting for Harry to sit down before he sits on top of his lap. Snuggling into Harry. It gives Harry a bit of courage when he sees that no one is staring weirdly at them, more so confused. They all knew that Louis and Harry were close, well, they’re all close in the band, but those two have a special bond that no one has ever thought twice about. They see it as natural.

“What if we just ask what’s up and you answer?” Micheal says, the first one to really start the talk they were bound to have.

“Yeah that works, I’m a bit lost with how to start this,” He chuckles nervously. It was easier with the boys he was closer to. And he knows they probably will see it as fine, but he is still scared.

“So, you told us Louis has been feeling down, does this have to do with performing or?” Micheal asks with a small nod towards the boy.

“Yes, he has been feeling too much pressure to be ‘perfect’ as he says, and it has made his alcohol and drug use way worse. It got really out of control.”

“He does drugs? Like what kind?”

“Mostly weed, but I think he has done pretty much every party drug known to man,” Harry says, a small chuckle comes from Liam. Liam has had to rescue the boy too many times from being stuck somewhere too drugged up to even know his own name.

“Oh… That’s not good. Is he feeling better with it? It must’ve escalated a lot since you’ve had to change something?” Calum interjects, still not with a judging tone, but a careful one.

“It was really bad, and he still slips up a bit, but we decided to try a new coping mechanism, which is actually what we want to talk to you guys about,” He starts, taking a deep breath while the others nod, showing they are listening.

“We started looking up things that might help him, to kind of change his state of mind. And we found something called ‘age regression’ and it’s been helping him a lot. It lets his mind revert back to a childlike state, and it helps him be less carefree and safer,” Harry says, starting to rub the little’s back softly.

“I’ve never heard of that before, I don’t think any of us have,” Micheal says looking at the rest of them, all of them nodding their head no.

“Do you want to tell us more? You said childlike, does that mean he thinks he’s a child? Should we like… not swear in front of him?” Micheal chuckles, making a soft joke. They’re Australians so they swear more than anyone they’ve ever heard.

Louis giggles, even though he knows swear words are bad, he hears them a lot. Though, he doesn’t feel the need to use them in his headspace. At least not yet.

“Erm. So his mind is in a childlike state, he can’t do much himself and he is obsessed with Paw Patrol, you might hear him babble about it a lot. It’s a new thing. We try to keep adult subjects a bit at bay with him because he is a child in his mind, but swearing doesn’t seem to be a problem… Yet.” He looks down at the boy, who has a big smile spread out and a light blush on his cheeks.

“Yeah you know not to say naughty words ‘cause you’re a good boy, aren’t you?” He says making the small boy giggle again.

“Yes, me good!” Louis says smiling widely, he loves the praise he gets from his daddy, makes him feel like he is an actual good boy. Even when there have been so many people telling him his whole life that he hasn’t been good or that he has to do better.

“Cute!” Ashton exclaims, one of the first things he has said this evening to them, and Harry relaxes a bit more. He thought the silence from him was disgust or hatred towards them. But it seems like it isn’t.

“Wait, does this mean he doesn’t drink? Would be nice to see sober Louis a bit,” Luke laughs, teasing them a bit. What he doesn’t know is that Louis’ alcohol problem has gotten so much worse than the last time they were together.

Harry winces and Louis just looks at him, not really sure if it was a joke or what it was. Liam saves them and starts explaining how Louis has had it pretty bad, and that they never really saw him sober either. He goes on to explain that they all have decided to cut down a bit on the alcohol before the shows, maybe a hidden drink or two, but not having the bottles and cans standing out for Louis to take easily.

They all nod, intently listening to what Liam is explaining to them, and they go along with it, they all want what’s best for Louis and that band. And if that is to cut down on the alcohol a bit, so be it.

They ask a few more questions before Ashton moves over to sit on the floor by Louis, hoping he can spend some time with the boy. He has always loved kids, loved being around them and their carefree minds. He hopes Louis is the same.

“Hey, Lou, I heard you like Paw Patrol, can you tell me something about it?” He asks after tapping the boy's knee to get his attention. This makes a wide smile break out on Louis and he starts babbling about the show. None of it really makes sense if you haven’t seen it, but Ashton likes the talk anyway. He asks into the show and is very interested in it, it seems like a good show from what the boy says.

The little interaction makes Harry smile, he gets so giddy. Some of his best friends are actually fine with Louis being an age regressor and they are willing to talk to him about childish things.

It’s not long before Louis's little tummy starts to rumble and they all realise they should get some food soon. They all discuss where to get some food while Harry holds the boy a bit closer, he seems to have gotten tired from talking so much to Ashton, so Harry decides that after they get a bit of food he should see if the boy could take a nap. He may not be sleepy enough, but just some rest could help. And then he realises the boy has to age up for the show. And he should probably do that soon.

“I’m voting for pizza! I can’t take more nachos!” Calum says, which gets Harry out of his thoughts. They all laugh a bit at that, agreeing that pizza does sound good.

Louis nods too, a bit too tired to join in with the chit-chatter that goes on while they decide which pizzas to get. Harry knows what he likes, so he doesn’t have to say much.

While they order the pizzas and get Micheal to go grab them Harry decides it’s time for Louis to rest a little, they have a good 3 hours before they have to get ready for the show, so he has time to rest and age up.

“Hey bubs, do you want to take a little nap after we eat?” Harry says rubbing the boy’s arms that are resting against his chest, Louis curled up beside him.

Louis nods, his tummy grumbling again which makes the man laugh. Louis was never big on eating before, maybe because the alcohol made him so nauseous or he just didn’t feel like it, but now he can’t hide it in the same way. His body is giving him away too much, and little Louis doesn’t seem to have the same hatred for food as big Louis does.

“Mhm, but hungry Daddy,” Louis says, moving his legs so they’re on top of the man’s legs. Snuggling even closer to him.

“Sure baby, we will wait till after, don't worry, we will get you some yummy pizza!” He exclaims, hoping that he can keep the boy awake and up until his nap. Where he afterwards has to age the boy up. He hopes that will go easily now that he is in a more toddler headspace.

Louis stays quiet while he watches them all talk with tired eyes. They’re all talking about music and their upcoming shows, but Louis can’t seem to get as excited as they all are. He is just a bit too tired, he thinks. Harry chimes in a bit but he keeps his hands on Louis, rubbing them up and down the boy’s back and arms. Calming him.

“Pizza for everyone!” Micheal shouts barging in the door, it shocks Louis a bit and he sits up abruptly, almost like he got scared out of this haze he was in.

They all cheer, getting up to grab a pizza box each. Harry starts to sit up more so he can grab Louis’ and his’ pizza, but the boy whines and holds his arms closer, Harry can’t leave him now, he is so comfy!

“I’ll get it for you, don’t worry Haz,” Zayn says calmly, grabbing the two boxes, some napkins and two bottles of water for them.

Louis eyes the soda that some of them are having, he wants to ask Harry if he can get one, but he gets distracted by the pizza being set in front of him. He smiles, ready to dig in, but whines when Harry pulls him back.

“Let me get this on you first baby, do you also want a soda like the big boys?” Harry asks, grabbing a napkin to tie around his neck as a makeshift bib. He feels that maybe water is a bit too plain, and so what if it wakes the boy up a bit, he could use the sugar.

Louis nods fast, his hands reaching out towards a Fanta that Liam is holding.

“Tank ‘ou,” He mumbles when he gets it in his hand. He struggles a bit to open it, his mental state not old enough to know how to open a can, almost like he forgot how to do it.

“Here let me help you bubs,” Harry says as he grabs the can out of his hands and swiftly opens it, putting it down on the little table and gets the napkin to put on the top of his shirt, so he wouldn’t get the greasy pizza pieces all over his shirt.

He hands Louis a piece of pizza and he digs in, having been hungry for a while. As he starts eating he tastes the garlic and moans out, he loves garlic! He’s so happy that Harry remembered.

They eat in a comfortable silence, just a few words being said while they eat. All of them are just enjoying their food.

Harry notices Louis slowing down while eating after a few pieces, which makes him worry that he might be sick, but he looks at the boy and sees his hooded eyes. He is just tired.

“Lou, you wanna go take a nap with me?” He asks, rubbing the boy's cheeks, which makes Louis lean into his touch. He is really tired, but he doesn’t want to leave this comfortable couch or the sweet people around him. He is so very tired though, so he gives in, nodding and letting the man scoop him up.

“We are just going to take a small nap, we will be back before we have to get ready, don't worry,” Harry smiles, and Louis half-waves while getting carried to the bus.

All of the boys keep talking and start up some fun singing games while Louis and Harry take a much-needed nap. Louis cuddles into Harry while he has a paci bobbing in his mouth, very content with how things are right now. He feels happy and safe.

Chapter Text

After a much-needed nap, Louis wakes up with a wet diaper, and he can’t seem to control his tears as they roll down his face. He doesn’t feel bad about using it, but it happened without him knowing, which makes him feel bad. He thought he had it under control.

“Oh, babe, what’s up? What is it with these tears, huh?” Harry asks as he sees the tears on the boy’s cheeks. He is still a bit heavy with sleep, but he knows his boy needs him, so rather that than get a few extra minutes of sleep.

“Used diapy, daddy,” Louis mumbles, his tears slowing down when he sees that his daddy is awake. He could just really use some love from the man.

“Oh, babes, that's totally fine! I’ll get you changed in a jiffy!” Harry exclaims, hugging the boy close to his chest.

They slowly and messily get out of the bunk, and Louis gets a change, Harry warming up the wet wipes in his hands, which makes it a bit slower than he would like. But Louis doesn’t seem to mind. Just happy to be clean again.

“Louis, can I have your eyes real quick, baby?” Harry asks when he is done with the change and has sat the boy down on the couch, hoping to get Louis' attention. He needs to talk to him about ageing up so they can play their show. He would hate to do it in a bad way or force it out of him, but they have a job. Sadly.

“M-huh, what is daddy?” Louis asks sweetly, giving the man all the attention he can muster up, he wants to be a good boy for him.

“You know how we have to play a show, yeah?” Harry rubs the boy’s knee while talking, which does distract the boy a little bit, it just feels os calming!

Louis nods, not really following yet, he knows they have a show, that’s their whole life. It hasn’t clicked for him yet.

“And you know how only big boys can be on stage, right?” Louis nods again.

Harry sighs, hoping that he could say this in a way to make it easier on Louis, but he doesn’t know how, though.

“Therefore, we need you to be a big boy for us, so we can play the show!” Harry says with fake enthusiasm, hoping that the boy will catch on so that it can in some way be his own choice.

“I am big boy!” The boy says loudly, with a big smile. His daddy always tells him he is such a big boy, so why can’t he play the show?

And then it clicks, he has to be in yucky adult headspace to play the show. He really doesn’t want to; he loves the safety his smaller headspace gives him, but he also loves to play shows. Does that mean he can choose? Does he have to choose between comfort and playing a show? Maybe it is a good idea to age up so he can do his…. Job. He decides that it is worth it to age up and have fun like big boys do.

“M… Okay, I can be big boy, but can still wear diapy? Gives safe,” Louis mumbles after a few minutes of thought.

Harry is a bit shocked to hear that; he thought the boy didn’t fully like the diapers, but maybe he does? He is glad that it gives him a form of safety when he wears it, that’s all he wanted for the boy. To feel safe.

“Of course, baby! Do you need help, or can you age up yourself?” Harry says, still crouching next to the boy and rubbing his knee. Louis thinks a little bit, then points to himself. Harry smiles and says okay, and starts making a small cup of tea. Even though he would rather be close to the boy and help him, he knows that maybe it is easier for Louis if he isn’t being babied while trying to age up. So he distracts himself with the tea making.

A little while later, Louis clears his throat, getting Harry’s attention, and he smiles at the man. Happy that he has stayed through this.

“Hey, uh, I’m all big again, and I know I said if I could stay in the diaper, but it is honestly a little too big for me,” Louis laughs nervously. He can already feel the nappy bulge he would have in his jeans. And he is not feeling it.

“Of course, you can always get changed out of it. Do you want a cup of tea too?” Harry says, smiling at his boy. He gestures to the many, many kinds of tea they have on the bus, but he already knows which one Louis will choose; he likes the Yorkshire tea the best.

Louis is a bit shy, the effects of his regression still lingering. But he points to the Yorkshire tea and heads off to the bathroom to get the diaper off. Even though they did give him security, even if he wouldn’t use them in his adult headspace, he didn’t like the big bulge it gave him.

He swiftly gets the diaper off and changes into a pair of track pants and one of Harry’s sweatshirts. He goes back to Harr,y who has a nice cup of tea ready for him, and they sit down in comfortable silence, just sipping their teas. Until Harry’s text tone goes off, and they realise it is almost time to get to styling and the show.

Louis smiles, he can be with the 5 Seconds of Summer guys without being a little annoying kid. He has missed them, it is going to be a great few weeks with them on tour.

They gather up their cups and phones, ready to head to the venue. Louis is all jittery, filled with anxiety and excitement. But as he walks in backstage and sees all his friends, the anxiety leaves for a little bit.

“Hey! How was your nap, little one?” Calum asks, not getting the hint that Louis isn’t small anymore. Louis smiles, mumbling a “I’m big again, Cal." and sits next to him, and they start talking a little bit, mostly just “how’s it been” and “I missed you’s”. But Louis feels content, catching up with his friends again.

They get to talk a little bit before the makeup and styling crew comes in, they whisk each of the boys over to their own chair and try to keep them from talking. Which means they talk a lot.

They just can’t help it, they are very talkative with each other, they can always find something to talk or joke about. And when someone tells them not to do something, they just get an even greater urge to do it.

Marceline, their stylist, decides to put on a TV show that they can chill with, hoping that she can get some styling done. Their makeup artist goes through them all quickly, doing a very fast job. Not that they have to get a lot done, but just a few touch-ups and some powder, to make them look all fresh and nice for the audience.

Louis is still chatting with Calum, in deep talks about music, and they both have been trying out the guitar. Not that they’re the best at it yet, but it gives a good conversation topic. While Calum is explaining something about tuning a bass, Marceline comes over and interrupts, having to do Louis’ hair, it has been mussed and messy since his nap, he hasn’t really noticed before she said it, though.

A while after they have all been pampered and made beautiful, they sit on the couch again, still talking, when it hits Louis like a brick. He can feel the urge, he always has a drink at these moments. He said he was going to stop, but it feels impossible with how he is feeling right now.

But then he notices that the others aren’t holding a beer or a drink. Just soda. He can’t describe what he is feeling, he simply doesn’t know. Is he grateful? Is he scared? Is he happy?

Louis starts fidgeting, he can think that the boys are not drinking because of him, but that also makes him anxious, they decided to take away their fun, for him. Just because he can’t handle his liquor very well, they decided not to have any. Not even beers. Not even some small drinks. Just soda.

He wishes they hadn’t done it, just so he could be selfish and dive in and get a drink, but he also feels great, knowing that they care so much about him. So much that they’re willing to cut out the alcohol for a gig.

He can’t stop when a few tears roll down his cheeks. He feels loved. Even though no one notices but Harry, he feels the need to show them or say it somehow.

“Hey…” He starts out, getting everyone's attention.

“I love you,” He says, another tear rolling down his cheek, which Harry wipes away with his thumb.

They all smile and say that they love him too, but they seem confused. It really did come out of nowhere, however, he just felt the need to say it. Right then, right here. In this company, which he feels so loved in. They had to know it.

“Come here, you big softie!” Michael says, opening his arms so that Louis could hug him tightly.

They stay cuddled together on the couch, much to Harry’s dismay; he would love to be cuddling with the boy, but he knows that Louis needs close relationships with other people than him. And he just looks so happy when he is all cuddled up like this, which is worth it.

Harry feels he might be a bit selfish; he never wants to grab Louis just for himself, but he has such an urge to be close to the boy and to take care of him. He wants to be the one to cuddle him and love him, the only one. He wants to be the one Louis can go to, to be the one he can confide in no matter what it is. But he isn’t. Louis isn’t that type of person. He isn’t great at opening up, even if he has opened up a lot for Harry, but only when Harry asks or notices. Which he does often, not always, but often.

Louis wants to open up more, to be closer to Harry. He just can’t. He feels like he is suffocating, but it isn’t bad enough that he will burden any of the other boys. So he keeps things to himself, well, unless Harry asks about it. Cause he can never fully lie to Harry.

Suddenly, the door opens, and their manager, Toby, walks in with a bright smile. He starts to talk about how they should get up and ready, this is their 30-minute warning. Which, of course, makes everyone rush up and start changing into the clothes that Marceline put out for each of them. They don’t choose the outfits themselves, since it has to fit in with the narrative of them. They have to look hot, but not too hot. They have to look innocent, but not too innocent. And most of all, they have to look the same, but not identical.

They have all learnt that they can’t argue their way out of something to wear; the crew has the upper hand there. So Marceline gets to pick out whatever outfits she thinks will fit together, but they also have to fit each of the personalities the label has put on the boys.

They hate it. But they love their job, they love playing shows, it was meant to be like this. So they deal with it.

Each of the groups does their pre-show rituals and gets ready to jump out on stage. Louis is pumped; he hasn’t been able to feel how it actually feels to play a show, he has always been in some way intoxicated. Which makes him so, so nervous. He can’t seem to shake it, and there is this nagging feeling that something is going to go wrong; he knows it. The anxiety is almost bigger than the excitement, which is a shame. He loves this, so why can’t he enjoy it?

Why can’t he be filled with joy and good nerves? he has to be filled with anxiety and dread. He tries to see the positive side of it, and it helps a little bit. He thinks about all the good things about playing a show, making his mind focus on the positives. He isn’t very good at it, so it ends up with him almost being more anxious than he was before.

His legs shaking a little bit gets Harry’s attention; he can sense something is up with the boy. While he can think that it is just nervous jitters, he knows better. Louis is a bit of a nervous type, but he is also strong and able to conceal it pretty well.

“Hey, bub, you’ll be fine!” Harry says, rubbing Louis’ shoulder softly.

“I’m okay, it is just a bit weird to be playing a show when I’m not stoned outmy mind,” Louis chuckles. Hoping to lighten the atmosphere a bit. It helps and makes Harry and Zayn smile. They both know how much he struggles with it, Zayn also having had a small problem with weed, though not as bad as it has been with Louis. However, he gets it.

“Lou, you know how it was for me, I am doing fine now! It will get easier,” Zayn mumbles.

Just as the boy is about to reply back they get pushed towards the stage and music starts playing. It is time.

He got this.

Chapter Text

Louis gets on stage, and he breathes in the vapour that is filling the stage. He feels at home. He hasn’t felt like this in a while. He can actually feel his body and the bass and music going through his veins. His heartbeat goes faster, and he can feel the energy running through him. Harry notices that Louis stopped halfway on the stage and gets worried. What if something is wrong with him? What if he is having an anxiety attack? But when he takes a few steps towards the boy, he can see that Louis is smiling. He can breathe. Louis is fine. He might be better than fine by the looks of it. Louis closes his eyes and feels the music again.

This is what life feels like when you let it be felt, he thinks.

They start singing as the music gets louder, and so does the audience. The thousands of fans that are filling the arena make Louis smile even more. He can connect with them now. The screams and clapping filled the air. He laughs a little bit before he starts singing, not as anxious as he was last time he was on stage. Something had changed. While he is filled with anxiety about singing wrong, he also knows that even if he sings wrong, he is still loved by at least a few fans.

They sing a few songs, and everything is going as planned. They are walking the stage and interacting with the fans, making jokes, teasing each other and most of all, having fun.

It comes to the point where Louis is running around on stage, pouring water on Liam. He feels carefree, but that ends fast, the new song comes on, and he panics. He struggled with this so much just a few days ago. What if he still hasn’t gotten it as he should?

He pauses, mid-stage, staring at Harry. Willing him to look at him. But he doesn’t, he is dancing around with a flower crown on, waving and having fun, while Louis just stands there, staring at his back. He has no idea what to do; he can feel bile rising in his throat, an anxiety attack forcing its way onto him. He can’t do this.

Harry looks back, waiting for the part where Louis and he walk down the stage together, singing their part, when he sees that the boy is frozen, standing still. He knows he shouldn’t show his feelings for the boy mid stage, their management would be pissed if they did, they’re suposed to be “bro’s” and tease each other, not show their weaknesses. Harry couldn't care less, though. Louis is feeling bad and is panicking. He needs to help as much as he can.

He rushes over to him, taking out his earpiece at the same time Louis does, and Louis mumbles a few incoherent words; the music is way too loud for them to hear each other well. Harry cups his hands around the boy’s ear, saying that he will be fine, and that he will be fine singing his part of this song.

Louis nods, trying to focus on breathing and make sure that the fans are kept obvious to his anxiety. Smiling big when Harry dances on, reading a sign that says “Harry and Louis, will you adopt me?” replying shyly, “I don’t think that’s legal.” Which makes the rest of the boys laugh with him, taking the attention off Louis, who is grateful.

They start bantering while the music keeps going, starting with Liam and going on. The song goes smoothly, Harry knowing which parts Louis struggled with, and singing those.

After the song finishes, they all go together and have a big group hug before the boys from 5 Seconds of Summer come on stage to sing a few songs together. The fans scream louder than ever when they hug, almost hurting their ears, even with the in-ears they have.

“We have a little surprise for you! What would you say if we brought some Australians on here?” Liam yells out after the hug. The fans are going even crazier, as they already know who it is, and they are touring together for the next few weeks.

Calum and Luke run out on stage first, the screaming getting louder and louder as Michael and Ashton come out, getting in their spaces with the drums and guitar. Ready to play the song while Zayn and Niall sit down on the bridge that hangs across the stage.

It all goes in a blur from there, music, singing, fans screaming, water splashing. Louis can’t even recall the last time he had this much fun when on stage. It really does help to have people around him who care about him.

-

“That was so much fun! But I really, really need a shower,” Liam belts out when they leave the stage, sweat dripping from his hair, which is in a mess now, both from sweat and the water fight he and Louis had.

Louis is all pumped up, just nodding, his whole body vibrating. He can’t figure out whether it’s from the anxiety he is feeling or the happiness and excitement from the show they just played.

“Lou! I’m gonna see if there are some fans outside after our showers, do you wanna join? Give someone a lucky selfie?” Harry says, rubbing the boy’s shoulder while they walk backstage.

While Louis would love to say hi and make a fan's day even better, he is also unsure, what if they don’t like him. What if he isn’t what they think he is?

“Lou, you will be fine, it’s just to wave and get selfies,” Harry mumbles when he hugs the boy. Harry saying this makes Louis' nerves a bit less, more manageable. If Harry can be calm about it and be sure that it’s going to be fine, so can Louis; he needs to be okay with it. He wants to meet the fans and give them a time to brag about.

Will he be fine? Probably.

He nods to Harry and follows him towards the bus for a shower. Even though the shower in the bus is tiny and hard to actually use, he prefers it to the venue's showers, which always have this special smell to them. Like… Like a sewer almost.

They slowly have their shower, singing along to a few songs on the radio while they get ready to meet the fans. Louis would much rather go out for a drink or get high before sleep, but he also promised Harry to try. So he is going to try his hardest.

He wants to be better, he wants to not have these urges all the time, he just doesn’t know how to be better. He knows that he can ignore the urges, but it is just so, so hard for him. It feels like denying a breath to enter his lungs. He needs it to survive.

Or does he? He knows he can survive without being under the influence, but it has been too long for him to remember that feeling, though.

“Alright, let's go great some fans, love,” Harry smiles, getting the boy's hand and leading him to the side of the venue, knowing that at least a few fans have been staying out hoping for a selfie or an autograph.

Louis giggles at the pet name, loving it when Harry or others use pet names for him. It makes him feel loved, protected and cared for. When a dog gets a treat for just existing. For being good and not ruining the furniture. He wants to be appreciated for existing and for being himself. He wishes that he could get rid of his anxiety and his fear of being wrong or different. He wants to feel like he fits in.

They peek out the little window and see ten or so fans hanging out beside the venue, probably waiting to get a sneak peek of one of the boys. And they will get it. Louis smiles, knowing that he will make this day a special day for these fans, just by saying hi to them.

“O… M… G… I see Harry!” One of the girls screamed, pointing towards the window they were peaking out of, making Harry laugh. The girls seem to be hyping up and begging Harry to come out and see them. And he does.

Harry walks out with Louis behind him, and the girls and guys start taking photos and asking questions, hoping to get Harry’s attention. Though no one says anything to Louis, he hides himself a bit behind Harry.

They get over to the railing where the fans are, and Harry talks with them and signs phone covers and random pieces of paper. Louis gets asked for one autograph by a small boy, no more than 15 years old, and he can’t help but smile. He was never the popular one of the bunch; most of them just wanted to see Harry or Liam.

“Louis, hey, let’s do a group photo,” Harry says, taking his phone out of his back pocket, the fans getting ready to stand behind him. Well, most of them. One of the girls doesn’t. She stares at Louis with anger in her eyes, staring at him. If looks could kill, he would be dead long ago.

“Uh, we are not taking a selfie with a faggot,” she says and Harry swiftly turns around about to protect Louis.

“First off, that is no way to speak to anyone at all, and second, how dare you be a fan of us but not all of us. You will not be getting any autographs or pictures, maybe stop being such an asshole towards people who have done nothing to hurt you-” Harry starts lecturing the fan, no- girl.

He stops rambling when he sees Louis take a few steps back and the fan looking chocked.

Harry is steaming, the anger riling him up. He can almost feel the smoke coming out of his ears, his whole face red, his hands shaking with anger. How dare a fan say things like this to them? How can they even call themselves fans if they feel like this?

While he tries to calm down and not let it show just how angry that comment made him, he notices Louis. Louis is staring into nothing, his eyes full of unshed tears. He needs to protect him; he can’t bear to see Louis crying over this. Crying over a stupid fan who doesn’t know them.

He takes Louis’ hand and leads him away from the fans, over towards the bus, where he wraps his strong arms around the boy, hoping to help calm him down. Harry has no idea what to do to help him; he doesn’t even know how it affected Louis, he just knows that it is bad, and that the boy is hurt. It also hurt Harry, he is just better at dealing with being yelled slurs at. He was the odd one out in school, so it simply doesn’t hurt him anymore.

But with Louis, he doesn’t know how the boy will handle it. Maybe it hurts too deep down for Harry to murmur affectionate words to work. He can’t believe that someone would yell that at Louis.

He hugs the boy tighter and kisses his temple right as they enter the bus. The small gesture makes Louis’ cheeks blush. He loves the affection he gets from Harry. The small things that the man does for Louis are some of the most important things to happen to the boy. When Harry would sing his part, when he would take over interviews when it got too much, he would do anything to calm down Louis. It meant so much to him that he had Harry with him.

As Harry carries Louis to the couch, he can feel the boy relax even more in his arms, glad that his comforting helped a bit. What he didn’t know was that Louis was close to slipping into his headspace; he just felt so cared for. It really felt like nothing could go wrong right now.

“M.. Daddy…” Louis mumbled, hoping that Harry would make sense of it and get him taken care of in the right way.

The little mumble from the boy alerted Harry enough that he knew Louis should have put on a little diaper and some cozier clothes. They won’t have time to go out this evening, which was fine with the man. Harry wasn’t feeling like going out clubbing anyway.

He would much rather sit and cuddle with his little boy than get drinks in and get sweaty at a club that doesn’t play good music. So he stays. Picking up the boy and carrying him to the bunk area, ready to get a diaper on him and watch something on the TV.

“Baby, do you want to watch Paw Patrol or Mickey?” Harry asks as he is rolling the boy's pants down. The question makes Louis think a lot; he wants to watch both! But he hasn’t seen Paw Patrol much.

“Paw ‘trol!” He says, reaching out for the paci that Harry is holding, loving the comfort it gives. Even though it is just a simple plastic pacifier, the comfort of having something to slowly suck on and be content with, helps the boy a lot. He feels safer and happier.

“Okay, baby, lemme get you a diapy and some comfy clothes and we can watch it,” Harry says enthusiastically, blowing a raspberry on his stomach and getting some small giggles out of the boy.

Not too long after, they’re both sitting on the couch watching Paw Patrol. Louis was all cuddled up with Harry and a few blankets. They’re both very content, but it doesn’t last long. Niall rushes in, slightly intoxicated, ready for them all to go party.

Niall doesn’t notice that the boy has slipped and is in headspace, as Niall doesn’t really know a lot about the whole thing, he honestly doesn’t want to know more about it. It is such a strange thing for him. He can’t seem to understand it at all.

Harry makes a shushing motion at Niall, so that he might understand not to be too loud. But of course it doesn’t work.

“Lads! Time to go party,” He yells, dragging out the ‘y in party. Harry shakes his head at him. Niall really has no idea how to be around a little Louis.

“Loud! Don’ wanna,” Louis says, his paci bobbing in his mouth, a bit mumbled because of that.

“Yeah, Lou and I aren’t going, sorry Ni, maybe the other guys want to?” Harry says, pointing towards the door with his head, nudging Niall to go.

“Huh, fine, I’ll go see if the others want to go.. Have fun?...” He questions, Harry knows Niall is trying to be nice, even when he doesn’t fully understand their new relationship.

“Thank you,” Harry says, cuddling more into the boy.

Chapter Text

Louis is half asleep, cuddled up close to Harry, a pacifier bopping in his mouth and blankets around him, when he hears commotion from outside the bus. Harry hears it too and hopes that they aren’t too drunk or loud; he really just wants a slow night with the boy.

“Daddy, ‘m sleepy,” Louis says, alerting the man that he is gonna fall asleep. And while he is very, very comfortable right here right now, he would much rather lie down in one of the bunk beds with the man. Where no one can disturb them. He can already feel the high energy the group outside has, and he is not feeling it. It simply is too much for him.

“Wanna go to bunks, baby?” Harry says, gathering the blanket that is encasing the boy. Louis nods and sucks harder on his pacifier- it is just so soothing.

He wishes he could lie with his daddy every single day, all day. This is one of the safest places he could be, right in his daddy’s arms. His strong arms.

While his body is aching and telling him signals he can’t fully comprehend in this headspace, he doesn’t feel bad. He just knows something is up, not at all ready to say it to his daddy, in case he will be put down out of his safe arms.

“Paci!” Louis whines when he drops it after a big yawn escapes his mouth. He is oh so tired, and it makes it seem horrible; he lost his safety! What is going to calm him down now? He can already feel the tears running down his little cheeks, and Harry is quick to grab the pacifier and wipe the boy's tears that escape his eyes. He never wants to see his little boy sad. And while he knows that the boy is exhausted and it is making him more whiny and touchy, he can’t be mad at his baby for simply having feelings.

After a bit of struggle, Harry gets Louis laid down comfortably on his chest, his strong arms around the boy. They both lay there, content, ready to call it a night. But then Louis' body gives a signal again, his tummy starts cramping. He just cannot understand what it means. It feels odd. He hasn’t felt like this in a while. It makes him elect a small whine, where Harry rubs a soothing arm up the boy's back. Scratching his head a bit.

“Daddy, tummy ouch!” He hasn’t felt this feeling before, or at least can’t connect it to something from his big headspace.

“What is it, baby? Which way does it hurt?” Harry hopes the boy isn’t getting sick. He didn’t eat a whole lot, which was normal, but maybe in his small headspace, he can’t fully understand what that means. He hopes it’s just some hunger pains and not something special.

“Dunno. Jus’ ouch!” the boy says, lying more on his side so the man can rub some gentle hands on the boy's tummy. Hoping it could help a little bit.

Not too long after Harry notices that the boy is sweating, even though he doesn’t seem to be feeling warm, more the opposite. And it clicks. Louis is having withdrawals. He hasn’t had alcohol in some time, and it is coming back to hit him. Harry knew that how often he was drinking was going to hurt in the long run, and he could not see it. Louis is in pain because he hasn’t had alcohol. It shows just how much of a problem it was that he could not go a few days without alcohol.

“Baby, I know what can help. Can you let me come up?” Harry says he can give him a few painkillers and some of his sleep medication to help. If he can get the boy to swallow the pills, he doesn’t have liquid medicine. He should have probably warned Louis that he needed to swallow a pill, but it will be fine. He hopes.

Louis moves to the side and clutches the blanket a bit tighter as Harry gets out of the bunk, ready to find some medicine and a cup.

Maybe he could get the boy to take the medicine more easily if he had some juice with it. So he gathers some painkillers and his sleep medication. Louis hasn’t needed to use the sleep medicine in a while because he has been under the influence, easily falling asleep when he’s high or drunk out of his mind.

Harry sighs; he really needs to help the boy with some better coping mechanisms. He can’t have him ruining his life like this. How did it even get this bad? He was fine, and they were more innocent in the start, so how did it get into drugs and alcohol abuse? Maybe it was the famous people they surrounded themselves with; they always have some way of doing illegal things in broad daylight, and no one bats an eye, because they are famous. Maybe that is what happened. They simply didn’t have any consequences for their actions, and now that they are so young. They really took a turn for the worse.

Louis used to barely drink; he would maybe have a sip at a dinner party. Then it got into daily drinking, then weed, then harder drugs. Harry is so glad it never got to the heroin bad, but ketamine and cocaine would still be a weekly thing. He found some people who are so into the drug scene, and he stuck with them. And they didn’t care about Louis; they just wanted him to keep giving them money for their drugs.

Harry tries to shake the thought. He can’t think too much about it without getting worked up. And he doesn’t have time for that right now; he needs to take care of his baby.

Just as he grabs a cup full of juice, the doors open and Liam leans in, shushing the boys behind him.

“Ey, hey, Harry, I thought you and Lou would be asleep?” He says in a hushed tone, as if they were sleeping right beside him.

“Not yet, no, need to give Lou some meds, then we are sleeping. Do you guys mind being a bit quiet while in here?” Harry pleads, with how bad Louis is feeling, he doesn’t want them to wake him up more; he needs to sleep off his withdrawals.

“That’s fine, mate, we will stay out here or in the five sauce bus until, no worries!” Liam says, winking at Harry and closing the door.

Harry gets back to the bunk area and sees Louis struggling to keep his eyes open, and with a small frown. He must still be in some pain or discomfort.

“Bubs, I got some medicine, can you be a big boy and take it?” Harry smiles, ruffling his hair.

“Don’ wanna…” Louis mumbles, but he knows it will help. And he would do almost anything to feel better and just go to sleep.

“But..Okai,” He says, getting Harry to help him sit up and hold the cup in his small, shaky hands.

Harry decides to count down from 3, and Louis gulps the few pills very fast, almost choking a bit from drinking too fast. He really did not like that feeling! He coughs, and a few tears spring from his eyes; it was so uncomfortable! Why would his daddy make him do that? He reaches out towards Harry, dropping the cup on the floor, not caring about it; he just needs some comfort.

Harry is quick to wipe his cheeks and get into the bunk to cuddle the boy. Letting him lie on top of him, rubbing his back and giving forehead kisses.

Not too long after Louis had taken the medicine, he fell fast asleep. Harry stays lying with the boy, loving the closeness he gets from Louis. He decides to plan out in his head some activities to do while the boy is regressed. He feels like they need to be able to do other things than watch some kiddie shows on his phone. Maybe some puzzles or some blocks could be fun. He knows Louis would love some of those toys that make noise. He can just feel it.

Harry is so deep in thought that he barely notices that the other boys have sneakily entered the bus, though in the room before, so even if they were louder, they wouldn’t wake up the boy. Harry is grateful that they care enough to be quiet. He must thank them when he sees them. But now he is cuddling his baby.

“Haz, are you asleep?” Zayn whispers when he opens the door to the bunk area around half an hour after they got on the bus. Harry had barely noticed the time passing, almost asleep.

“Oh, no, not yet, you lads good?” Harry says, tangling his fingers in Louis’ mussed hair.

Zayn replies that they are all good and ready for bed; they just wanted to make sure Louis was alright and that they could get in the area without waking him up. Harry nods and sneakily gets out of the bunk so he can get ready for bed himself. Ready for some nice sleep while the bus driver takes them to the next place.

After he brushes his teeth and the boys all get situated in their bunks, the driver gets away from the venue and a little boy who cuddles up to him: he finally falls asleep.

-

“Mm… Daddy,” is what wakes the man up, but not fully. Harry just draws Louis closer to him and shushes him.

“Five more minutes, baby,” He says, still with closed eyes, he is nowhere near ready to get up. Especially when it isn't even light in their bunk area.

Louis hums; he should be fine with five more minutes in a wet diaper. He just always knew that a wet diaper for too long gives diaper rash, and that does not seem like something he wants.

They lay for a little bit more, probably more than the five minutes Harry promised. Louis whines loudly; he really is not feeling happy being in this soaked diaper.

“Daddy, now, wet,” He says, poking his daddy’s cheeks.

Then Harry notices that he should probably get up and change the boy; he doesn’t want him to get a diaper rash, which can be awful. He slowly gets out, a loud yawn escaping him when he gets up and stretches. He could have slept longer, considering that the sun isn’t even fully up outside.

“Come here, baby, let’s get you changed!” Harry says, getting the supplies ready to change the boy. He is still not the fastest, but he does know how to change a diaper. Unlike Liam and Niall. He is sure they have never changed a dirty diaper in their life.

After the change, he gives Louis one of his hoodies to wear to be comfortable while he gets some waffles warmed up. The boy was begging for them. And while waffles probably aren’t the best breakfast, he can’t say no to the boy. He is simply too sweet, and Harry doesn’t have much other food that the boy would eat.

The morning goes slowly and quietly all of the other boys are still soundly asleep when Louis finishes his food. He was watching some kiddy show on his phone while eating, but it didn’t seem to keep his attention. The boy disregarded the phone and started nuzzling Harry’s hair.

It makes Harry think that he should probably find a place to get some toys or something to entertain the boy; he can’t use all his headspace time on a phone. That doesn’t help much.

Harry tries to find a kid-friendly game on his phone and finds “Toca Hair” which Louis saw and instantly wanted to try, and Harry can’t say no to the boy. After a few minutes where Louis was trying to figure out how the game works, Zayn pops in, his hair a whole mess and a tired smile on his lips.

Zayn is more comfortable with the fact that Louis is a regresser than any of the others. Harry thinks that he may have heard of it or may have tried it before, because it seemed like he knew exactly what to do. Same with Calum, and Zayn and Calum were very close to each other when they both started their bands.

But Harry isn’t sure; maybe he just understands because he is open-minded. Harry doesn’t feel like he can ask, not when he is still new to it.

“Good morning, Lou, are you having fun?” Zayn says, snaking an arm around the boy and nuzzling his hair. Louis puts on a fake pout. He was making a masterpiece of his character on the phone, and Zayn distracted him!

“No, you made me mess up,” Louis whines, which makes Zayn laugh. Glad that the boy still has his sassiness even when in headspace. Zayn nuzzles his hair again and mutters a ‘sorry’ while he goes to grab a cup for some coffee.

While Louis loves having his hair nuzzled, he stares at the man, he was trying to concentrate on his little hair salon, and it does not help! He was giving one of the girls long purple hair! It was just so fun.

After a while of Louis playing his hair salon game, he gets restless. He wants to do things! Maybe he can convince Harry to go get ice cream? It could be so nice, especially if he could get whipped cream on it!

“M, Daddy?” Louis mumbles, trying to get Harry’s attention. Though the man doesn’t hear him, as he is discussing the new album with Zayn. They’ve been thinking of doing some live streams for when it gets released.

Louis whines, he feels like Harry is ignoring him! He wants the man to give him attention, right now. Louis manages to get out of the bundle of blankets and crawls over to where Harry is sitting. Tugging his shirt a little bit to get his attention.

Harry looks down at Louis, smiling at him, while the boy is frowning. He grabs the boy and lifts him up on his lap, nuzzling his hair, kissing his temple.

“What’s up, bubs?” Harry says, rubbing the boy’s tummy. He loves to touch the boy, just petting his hair, rubbing his skin. He also knows that Louis likes it too; he loves physical touch.

“Ice cream?” Louis asks with big eyes, staring at the man, begging him with his eyes. Zayn chuckles, knowing that there is no way Harry is going to say no, not to Louis, and especially not to Louis when he is doing puppy eyes at him.

A heavy sigh comes from the man, and he shakes his head with a smile. He just cannot say no to him. He mumbles an ‘okay, ’ and Louis cheers and squeals. He loves that he can make the man do pretty much anything for him. Just because he is cute. It’s amazing. He may misuse it sometimes, but sometimes it is fully worth it. Like now, where he is getting ice cream.

“Only a small one, okay, bubs?” Harry says, grabbing the boy and swinging him over his shoulder, which makes Louis squeal out and laugh. His laugh is contagious; it makes both Harry and Zayn smile wildly. It is so rare to hear a real laugh come from the boy. Harry can’t help but get a little teary-eyed; he is just so happy that the boy can be joyful. He really missed Louis’ genuine smile and laugh.

While Louis wants to get out and get ice cream, he does worry a bit about being outside in this mental state. He can’t fully understand the big boy thoughts, but he can feel that they aren’t nice. What if someone sees him and makes fun of him? He can, in some way, understand that it isn’t the most common thing to see. And especially when they are so well known, there is always a chance someone will see and share it. And that could end badly.

Louis gets so caught in these bad thoughts that he doesn’t register Harry giving him a chance and finding some clothes for the boy.

“Bubs, can you sit up for me?” Harry asks, gently nudging him a bit. It snaps Louis out of those big boy thoughts, and he is grateful. He hates these thoughts and worries, and wasn’t his headspace supposed to shield him from those thoughts? Why is he still feeling them then? Is it not working?

He gets so worked up that a few tears build up in his eyes; he doesn’t want to feel like this. How can he snap out of it? Maybe his daddy can help?

Louis sits up and reaches for the man. He just wants to be held close, he wants all these worries to go away, he doesn’t want to feel like drowning in his own mind.

“Oh, bubs, what’s happening, huh? We are getting some yummy ice cream!” Harry says when he notices the lack of enthusiasm from the boy. He quickly changes Louis’ shirt into another one of Harry’s jumpers. After getting some pants and socks on the boy, he instantly reaches up wanting to be held by Harry. He wants all these big-boy worrying thoughts to go away. Why are they here?

Harry gently picks him up and holds him close. While Harry can’t understand why the boy is so sad and overwhelmed, he can at least try and comfort him. He wishes Louis would feel better soon, maybe if he bribes a bit more with ice cream. So he starts asking the boy what flavour he likes, even though he already knows. But, maybe getting the little to talk and think of something else could help.

And it does, Harry asks about every little thing the boy says, hanging onto everything. So after a few minutes, Louis is feeling better and ready to go out, without all these scary thoughts. He really, really, wants ice cream. And Harry even allows him to get a wafer on top!

The rest of the boys are still getting ready, which makes Louis let out a whine. He wants ice cream now! Why are they so slow?

He gets placated a bit with his Switc,h where he plays a bit while the rest are getting ready. He hasn’t been able to play and be so carefree for a while, so he soaks in the feeling. Loving that he doesn’t really have any responsibilities. It is an amazing feeling.

“Alright, Lou, ready?”Harry says after getting the boy's attention. Louis is fast to close down his Switch and waddle over to where his shoes are. While in his headspace, he can’t seem to tie the laces, but Zayn is fast to get them tied and double-knotted. Louis smiles and mumbles a thank you, then takes the hand of Harry while they walk to the car.

The car ride is fairly uneventful, and Louis is cuddled up next to Harry, playing with his soft curls. He can’t seem to fully grasp the conversation the others are having, but he doesn’t mind it much. He is close to his daddy, and that's all that matters. He loves just being close to him.

They get to the ice creamery, and Louis is almost jumping in his seat with anticipation. He is so ready for ice cream!

“Lou, remember, only a small one, and behave,” Harry says, grabbing the boy’s hand, hoping that Louis won’t whine or beg for a bigger ice cream. Harry knows he probably wouldn’t be able to say no to the boy if he starts begging for a bigger one. So better to say it beforehand.

They all gather in, looking at the many, many flavours there are. They are all a bit overwhelmed by how many there are. How are they supposed to choose? Louis is quick to ask the boy cashier if he can taste the rhubarb ice cream; it sounds so good! But when he tastes it, he thinks it isn’t sweet enough.

He asks to taste test a few others, and so does Niall, glad that the cashier is so sweet and lets them try so many. At the end, Louis decides to get a chocolate mint, which was the best one he tasted, and chocolate is just the best. At least in his opinion.

The others get two flavours, which of course makes Louis a bit jealous, he also wanted a big one! But his daddy did say only a small… Maybe if he asks anyways?

“Daddy…” Louis starts out, his puppy eyes already showing. Harry groans; he knew this would happen, but no, he will not let the boy win this time; he has to be stern. These puppy eyes will not work!

“Lou, no, I told you,” Harry says in a stern voice. It works, and Louis sighs. At least he got ice cream; it's okay that it wasn't as much as the others. He will get more another day. ‘

Chapter Text

They all eat their ice cream in comfortable silence. Louis is getting the melting ice cream all over his face, hands and front of his shirt. Harry couldn’t even be mad; it was so adorable. So he just wiped the wiggly boy’s fingers and sat him down so they could walk to the car again.

As Louis is skipping to the car, they see some young girls, and it looks like they’re just about to take some pictures of the group. Of course, Harry thinks, they really had to meet fans the one time Louis isn’t in the headspace for it.

This isn’t good. Harry is unsure how the boy will react, having not seen any fans or even other than the boys, while in headspace. What will happen?

Harry rushes over to Louis and grabs his hand to slow him down, telling him in a soft tone that he has to stay with him. Which Louis doesn’t fully understand. He wanted to go back to the bus and play some more on his switch while they drove to the next location. So why is Harry making him slow down?

He is just about to ask Harry when he hears the group of girls chattering and goes over to them. They seem shy, but there is one of them who is more forward, who yells out “Harry?” in a questioning tone, like she isn’t sure if they should go over and talk to them.

Harry curses under his breath. They cannot see Louis like this. He grabs the boy and goes to whisper in his ear, “Bubs, can you go back to the bus without me? Just go and get ready with your switch.”

It makes the boy wonder about the girls; he doesn’t want to talk to them, him being even more shy about random people in his headspace than when older. However, it is intriguing what this group of girls wants, and he wants to say hi. But no! Harry said to go back to the bus! He nods and goes skipping to the bus, ignoring the one girl who yells out his name. He doesn’t want to see them make fun of him. And what if they share pictures of him in headspace? He shakes his head and runs up to the bus and looks back at Harry, who is trying to talk to the girls while looking after Louis. It makes him smile. He feels his cheek warm up. Harry is so caring.

He rushes into the bus, suddenly feeling very alone, and his eyes start to water. Why can’t he be like everyone else? Why does his coping mechanism make him so vulnerable and frail?

He starts questioning if this is a good way to live. He loves the feeling of being carefree, the feeling of being taken care of. But it seems like it’s so wrong. He can’t ever share how much it helps. He can’t have a fluffy home where he can be in headspace all the time. He has a job that requires him to be alert and available all the time.

He falls down to his knees with tears running down his cheeks, snot filling his nose. He just wants to be normal. Why isn’t he normal? Why can’t he just have a normal coping mechanism? Why does he even need coping mechanisms? He was doing fine! He just wanted to fit in and be himself. And yes, it probably wasn’t the healthiest to drink and smoke, but it helped him! It made him be more himself.

He was doing fine before he thought he needed help. He does not need help. He should be allowed to have fun; it is his body, isn’t it? He can do what he wants with his body.

He rubs his eyes roughly with his sweater paws. He suddenly feels very alone. There are way too many thoughts in his head, and he has thought himself out of his headspace. Which makes him feel even worse. Even though he hated regression, it did help him. And maybe he does need it?

No.

He doesn’t need it. He isn’t going to be some pathetic little baby. He doesn’t need to be taken care of. He sits up sharply. He feels like he can’t breathe; this is too much for him. He needs a break.

He wipes his runny nose and teary eyes, gets up and grabs his phone. Ready to find someone who could sell him some weed. No. He needs something stronger. Heroin. He has only tried it once, and it was an experience. Maybe it is time to do it again. It just felt great.

He knows a few trusty people in the drug ring, so he should be able to find someone close by and fast.

While he is still sitting on the floor, he calls one of his mates from London, a person who rules much of the drug ring there, and he hopes that he knows someone close by.

After a few calls around, the dude texts back a person and a number to call. Louis gets up, shakily, still being a bit out of it. Goes to the bathroom to change his clothes and get rid of his diaper. He never wants to use that again. He does give it one small glance; he did feel safer with it… No! He does not need it. He is an adult. Not a fucking baby.

He writes a small note, just in case they come back and get worried.

“I will be back before we start driving. Just need a break. Love Lou”

His writing is messy, and he lets a few tears fall on the paper. They will probably worry no matter what. But he wrote a note, and he has roughly five hours before they drive. He can make it.

He sneaks out of the bus and sees that the other boys are still talking to the fans. It felt like an eternity, but it was probably only five minutes. He is glad that he got out before they went back to the bus. They wouldn’t have let him take a walk or anything without a bodyguard. And he can’t have one with him when he is going to buy drugs. That wouldn’t be good.

He gets out and sneaks towards the main road, while he grabs his phone and calls the number he got.

The call gets accepted instantly; the other person probably expected him.

“Hey, it’s Louis, Robert told me to call you for a sale,” He starts out, the other dude just humming and saying hi.

They talk for a bit, and the man tells him his name, Zack, and a place to meet. Luckily, the alleyway is very close to where the bus is. Only a twenty-minute walk. Louis makes sure he has cash and goes to meet him.

While Louis is walking to the place, he feels watched, like someone is stalking him. Maybe one of the others from the band heard him and is following him? He really hopes they aren’t. He can’t have them know. But then again, they’re going to know when he comes back high as a kite. He really did not think this through. What a bad idea this is… He needs this, though, so what if they’re gonna be disappointed in him? They always are anyway. He does nothing but screw up.

He gets there and sees a small man with a cap on, and can instantly tell that it is Zack. He has the vibe of a drug dealer, standing on the side looking around, but also being nonchalant.

“Hey, Zack, right?” Louis asks when he gets there, and the man stares at him, a shocked expression.

“Dude, you really are Louis Tomlinson. Didn’t expect to get a high-class sale today,” He mumbles, eyes wide open.

“Don’t worry, I’m alone,” Louis says, getting his cash out, that’s when he remembers, he doesn’t have a needle.

He asks if Zack has some needles, and to his luck, he has a whole kit for him. Apparently, Robert told him that Louis is new to Heroin, which is insulting, but it helped him here.

He pays for the things, and gets told a place where he can shoot up without people around. They say goodbye, and Louis feels free; he can already feel the euphoria he is going to experience. He really needs this.

He lets out a chuckle. He knows this is bad, but it just feels right. It feels like he has control. The control that he didn’t have when regressed. The feeling of having power over himself.

He instantly sees the place Zack told him about, it’s a pair of benches with only one streetlamp, and not a single person around.

It suddenly feels real. He is going to do hard drugs. How did he get to this? Is he really that down that he has to use heroin? No. It is because he wants to feel good. It isn’t bad. He just wants to feel good. Is that too much to ask? No. So he will do it.

As he gets the needle ready and his arm tied up, he starts shaking. What is he doing? How would Harry take this? Are they worried about him? He gets frozen. What is he doing?

He starts thinking of how mad the others will get. They will definitely hate him after this. They might kick him out of the band. Is this worth it? Maybe…

No.

Yes.

It is worth it. He is going to at least have one good night. He has been feeling miserable; he needs this.

So he does. It doesn’t take long until it feels like the whole world is spinning, all his worries have faded away, and he feels high. He can’t help but let out a chuckle; he really is high.

He feels disoriented, like he is flying and falling at the same time. He doesn’t do much; he just sits feeling floaty.

It doesn’t take long until he hears his phone ring; of course, they would call him. He goes to reach for his phone, but it feels like his whole body is shaking and floating. He can’t even see who is calling him because of his unfocused eyes.

He goes to answer the call, but in his uncoordinated state, he drops his phone. He can’t fully feel his body, and it is one of the best feelings he has felt in a long time.

As he continues to sit and feel his high, he hears his phone ring multiple times, which makes him worry; he must have really scared the others if they keep calling him like this.

Although he can’t seem to make himself care. His body is floating, having a hard time even making a coherent thought, and he feels euphoric. Why would he stop feeling like this? Why would he get someone to stop his amazing feelings? He doesn’t care about them.

And they don’t care about him. They probably just want him to keep pretending to fit in. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t fit in anywhere. He is better off alone. Just being high like this.

The time flies, or at least it feels like that. He has no idea how long he has been half-sitting, half-lying down on this very uncomfortable bench. Everything is spinning around him, and he is giggling. This feels amazing. He can’t feel a single worry, just nothing. Just this feeling of being overpowered.

“Lou! There you are, what happened?” He suddenly hears from a panicked person, and he can barely see through his dizzy haze, but he knows that voice. It’s a voice he really did not want to hear, not now, not ever. He wanted to be alone. He wanted to feel good without anyone judging him.

They are going to judge him hard now. He did hard drugs. This is bad, but he can’t seem to care. He feels too good right now.

“Mhm, no,” Louis tries to mumble out, his vision is blurry, and his mouth feels weak. He can’t even fully focus on the man trying to get his attention.

He can feel arms around him, hoisting him up and throwing him over his shoulder. It makes him even more nauseous, some bile running out of his mouth and onto the other man's shoulder. He feels even worse now. While his body is still spinning, not even sure what is up and what is down. After being carried for a while on the man's shoulder, he is moved to a seat. A bench.

“Lou, what did you do?” ‘The man asks, even though he knew the answer, he saw the needle. He saw how Louis was feeling. This is way worse than he had hoped.

A few tears spring from the boy's eyes. He didn’t want this. He can feel himself slip, hoping that his headspace can help him. He was feeling so good, like a god. Now he just feels horrible. Emotions blurring, tears and snot running, he really just wants this to end.

“D-daddy,” he whimpers, trying to crawl into Harry’s lap. Needing the comfort. He hates himself for shooting up, but hates himself even more for making Harry worry.

“Oh, baby, you’re okay, let's get you back,” Harry says, rubbing the little’s back.

Louis starts sobbing, almost choking on his tears; he feels bad. No, not bad, horrid. Like he can’t even think straight. He had hoped the heroin would make him feel good, make him feel the euphoria, but it didn’t. And now Harry has seen him like this, it’s even worse.

“No, no, no…” Louis babbles, sobs wrecking his body while Harry tries to calm him down. Knowing that if he keeps up sobbing like this, he would get even sicker and would start hyperventilating. Which he didn’t want to happen.

Harry picks up the boy, sitting him across his lap and starts rubbing his arms. Louis' breathing seems to get worse and worse, which worries Harry.

He should have taken more care of the boy, should have helped him more. Maybe he wouldn’t have gone to drugs like this if he had been taken care of.

Harry knows it isn’t his fault and shouldn’t be beating himself up over it. It was bound to happen. With how much stress the boy has been under, and how he usually handles stress in a very bad way. He knew he would go out and do something stupid like this. He just wishes he could have helped before it got to this.

While rubbing the boy’s back, he started to help Louis breathe a bit slower. It takes a while, but his breathing does slow down enough for him to just be a sniffling mess.

“See, baby, you’re okay!” He tries to say enthusiastically. Louis is barely conscious. Being high and being this sad and overwhelmed isn’t a good combination.

Louis nods, putting his thumb in his mouth, needing the comfort. He just wants to feel okay; he wants to feel better. Why does nothing he does make him feel better?

He has tried everything, at least it feels like that, and nothing works. He always ends up feeling horrible again. The only thing that helped a bit was being regressed, but he hates to admit that. He hates that he liked his headspace.

It was weird, odd, freaky. He just wants to be normal…

He tries to force himself out of his headspace; he doesn’t want to be a baby. But Harry keeps rubbing the boy’s back, trying to calm him down so that he can get back to the bus.

They sit for a while until Harry’s phone rings. He picks it up, and it is Zayn calling. Harry tells him that he found Louis and what the situation is. Zayn immediately feels bad. He can’t believe Louis would go to a drug such as heroin. It was so much worse than weed and alcohol.

How did he get this bad? They should really take better care of the boy. Even though he was the oldest, he was the one who struggled the most. He was so insecure, self-conscious, and he doubted his talent. He was told he couldn’t sing at the start of the band, and it stuck with him. He was reminded every time someone favoured one of the other boys, that he really is not talented, and that he can’t sing. That he shouldn’t be a part of such a big band.

Harry can feel the boy relax in his embrace and decides to call a cab when he ends the phone call with Zayn. He needs to get Louis back so that they can take care of him. He needs help.

“Lou, babe, the cab is here, we need to get back to the bus and sleep, okay?” Harry says the nickname makes Louis feel smaller, but he doesn’t want to, though. He wants to be an adult. He doesn’t need help!

“No…” Louis mumbles, his face buried in the man's shoulder. He doesn’t want to go back; they’re all going to be so mad at him. So disappointed in him. They are going to hate him.

“Yes, Lou, we need to help you. We love you. Okay?” Harry says, reaching up to pet his hair a bit, noticing that it has small bits of bile in it. But he doesn’t care; he just wants Louis to feel better. And he knows that Louis loves getting head scratches. Doesn’t everyone?

They sit for a while in complete silence, the only sound being Louis’ small sniffles and Harry mumbling sweet nothings to him.

The sweet, loving words make Louis feel even smaller, and he ends up slipping fully into his headspace. While in his headspace, he doesn’t know how to react to his body being high. He feels sick.

“D-Daddy, feel icky!” Louis says, suddenly, when his stomach churns. Harry can guess he needs to throw up, but isn’t fast enough, and it ends up on the front of both their shirts. It makes Louis feel even worse; he just threw up on his daddy. He is disgusting.

He starts silently crying again. He just wants this to stop; he wants to feel better.

“Oh. Baby, it is okay! We can change clothes, it’s alright!” Harry says, rubbing the boy's arms and petting his hair.

Just as he says this, the cab comes and he carries the boy into the backseat, clipping the seatbelt on him and gives directions to the cab driver. The cab driver doesn’t seem to care that they both have vomit on their shirts, probably too tired to care. It is the middle of the night.

The drive is mostly silent; a few sniffles from the boy are all that they can hear over the radio, which coincidentally plays one of their songs just as they get to the venue where the bus is.

Harry gives the cab driver a bit more cash than the fare was, as a thank you for not bothering them and letting them be in the cab while having soiled clothes

“Come on, babe, we are here,” Harry says, picking the boy up when they get out of the cab. Louis whines. He still feels sick, not as sick as he was, but still sick. Also, worrying about what the other boys are going to say to him for doing drugs like this.

Harry enters the bus, and Louis suddenly gets very shy; he knows that they’re going to be so, so angry at him. He is such a disappointment. A little whine escapes his lips when he hears Liam gasp. This is not good for him; he should have stayed out till he wasn’t as high anymore. Maybe.

“Oh, Lou, babe, what happened for you to do this?” Liam says, getting closer to the boy and rubbing his back. Which confuses Louis; he thought they would be mad, not worried. Why aren’t they yelling at him? He deserves to be yelled at, to be cussed out.

He can’t help but let a few tears build up in his eyes; he feels so much, but he can’t pinpoint what they are. Just that it’s a big feeling. It’s making him blush red, and tears fall.

“M sorry,” He managed to let out. He feels oh so bad, he just wants this to get over, he wants to not feel like this.

“Lou, it is fine! We are just very worried about you, you can’t just leave us like this, we love you,” Liam says, and both Zayn and Niall nod, mumbling that they love him too.

This makes Louis sob; he doesn’t deserve their love. Not after what he did. Not after how much he fucks up. He is such a mess; he shouldn’t even be a part of this band. He deserves to be kicked out. They should all hate him. Why aren’t they hating him?

“But, but, bad boy?” Louis lets out, rubbing his eyes with his fists. He is a bit cold, but he doesn’t want to ask for more from the boys. He has done enough.

Harry lets out a gasp and hugs the boy closer to him. “No, love, we love you, we just want you not to hurt, you’re not a bad boy.”

This makes Louis’ face heat up more; he shouldn’t be loved like this. Why are they taking care of him? He should be left alone to wither away…

Zayn sits on the couch and pats the space beside him, hinting at Harry that he should put down the boy. So he does, but Louis clings to the man; he doesn’t wanna leave his embrace, his warmth.

“Come on, Lou, let’s sit for a bit and watch a show, yeah? Let you calm down, we need to head to bed soon,” Zayn says, already getting his phone out, ready to put on a show. Louis nods and lets go of the man, sitting up against Zayn. He is a bit cold and a shiver runs down his spine, but he doesn’t want to ask for more than he deserves.

“You cold, bubs?” Harry says after noticing the slight shiver and the way the boy is holding himself. The boy nods, but a few tears fall; he loves his daddy and feels so bad that he disappointed him.

“M-mh,” Louis says, adding “Haf paci Daddy?” Which makes Harry awe at him. He is happy that he boy isn’t feeling too bad, and that he is able to ask for his pacifier, he is able to ask for a little bit of help.

Harry gets up to find a blanket, thinking he can leave the boy’s side for a bit, but Louis whines and tears well up, his daddy can’t leave him like this!

“What is it, bubs? Do you want Daddy to stay?” Harry smiles; his boy really is adorable. The small boy nods, holding Harry’s hand tighter. Harry laughs a little, his boy is just too cute! Liam asks if he should get a blanket, and they both nod, Louis not really noticing, he is too focused on the Paw Patrol that is on Zayn's phone.

He gives a small ‘thanks’ to Liam when he comes with one of the softest blankets, cuddling up close to Zayn and Harry on the couch, Paw Patrol on the phone, and feeling much better than he did. He feels loved.

"Babe, we need to change your shirt. Is that okay?" Harry says when he can see that the boy has calmed down a good amount, he does not want to overwhelm the boy with a shower right now. So he decides only to change his clothes and get him calmed down. He can shower in the morning.

Louis nods, he doesn't like being in messy clothes. It makes Harry smile, so he goes to the back where their clothes are. Grabbing a hoodie for the boy and some spare clothes for himself to change into.

"Alright, babe, hands up!" He says, getting the dirty shirt off the boy and putting the nice, clean hoodie on him. He decides he should probably also get a diaper on the boy. While he is awake and not too sleepy.

"Bubs, what about a little diaper, huh? We don't want any accidents," He says, reaching to pick up the small boy. Louis whines, he doesn't want to be a baby!

"Go listen to your daddy, Lou, it's a good idea. We can watch Paw Patrol after, okay?" Zayn says, pausing his show. Louis nods and lets himself be carried to the back and in a new diaper, also getting some fuzzy socks on him.