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Chapter Text

Naruto sits alone at his swing like usual. He’s looking down at the ground as the people of Konoha talk shit about him.

“Is that Naruto?” said one kid.
“Don’t even mention him,” said his mother.
“Why?” asked the kid.
“Just…because okay?”
“But why mommy! I wanna know why!!!” The mother slapped the kid.
“Look what you made me do Hizo!” The mother scoffed and then she looked at the judgemental crowd with a smile. “Sorry everyone, Hizo is a huge brat as you all know.”
Naruto only glanced up every couple of seconds so he could barely tell what was going on. He had no reason to suspect anything was going to change from his usual routine. He just continued to sit at his swing until nightfall where he headed back home. When he got to his apartment he found the door unlocked. Oh, great. He opened it to find his apartment had been vandalized and a lot of his stuff broken. He simply sighed and went to his bed. That was the only thing they hadn’t touched. He slept as water poured down onto his face from the ceiling.
The next morning he went to the ninja academy, he had skipped breakfast because his milk seemed expired. When he got there, the boy called Hizo and a couple of his friends stood at the entrance.
“You better watch yourself, Naruto,” said Hizo.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever.” He just shoved his way through and headed to class. Iruka-sensei was sitting at his desk reading a magazine.
“Hello Naruto.”
“Hi Iruka-sensei.” Naruto took a seat at his desk, right next to Sasuke. Sasuke was the only living relative after the Uchiha massacre that happened two days ago. Naruto was shocked he still came to school the day after it happened. His personality had changed a bit. He was more closed off and less chatty. Right now he was looking down at his pants and rubbing his legs together. He made little moaning sounds as he did.
“Whatcha doing?” asked Naruto. Sasuke snapped open his eyes as if broken out of trance.
“Nothing,” he grumbled when he realized who had asked.
“It seems like you’re doing something,” said Naruto.
“None of your business, Uzamaki.”
“If you’re doing it in public and right next to me then it is my business Uchiha.” I’m doing such a good job of mimicking that formal talk. Who even says father anymore? Just say dad you spoiled brat.
“Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?” asked Sasuke.
“Fine,” Naruto grumbled. The class started and Naurto didn’t really notice that Sasuke hadn’t come back. At first he wasn’t really concerned about him but when they let out for lunch he decided to check on him. He went inside the boys bathroom. He could hear someone crying in the stall. He knocked on the door.
“You okay man?”
“No, leave me alone,” said Sasuke through sobs.
“Have you been crying all day?”
“Yeah, so what?”
“That’s not good for your health. I hear you can become dehydrated and die.”
“Oh shut up, this is your fault anyway.”
“How is this my fault?”
“They only jumped up the stalls and looked at me because they thought I was you.”
“Why did they think I was you?”
“I don’t know! Ask them!”
“Was it Hizo and his friends?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll deal with it. Come out to where the swing is if you want to see it in ten minutes.”
By deal with it Naruto meant:
“Hey, Hizo!”
“Yeah?”
“Come here, I want to talk to ya.”
“Sure.” Hizo walked over and midway had fallen into a hole Naurto had hidden under the leaves.
“Let me out! Let me out right now! You’ll be sorry for this Naruto!”
Naruto pulled down his pants and underwear. “What are you about to do?!”
“Giving you what you want. You like pee right?” Fears entered Hizo’s eyes. “Naruto, please! I don’t even know why you’re doing this!”
“Because you hurt Sasuke, that’s why!”
“What’s it to you?! You barely talk to him!”
“I like him. I think he’s interesting.” He relieved himself. “No! No! No! I just wanted to get back at you for making my mom hit me!” Hizo cried, urine covered his face. When Naruto was done he looked over to whoever was watching him and found Sasuke.
“Take a picture, it'll last longer!” said Naruto. Sasuke blushed and walked over and Naruto pulled up his pants.
“Thanks,” he said. “Want me to teach you how to do that thing I was doing earlier?”
“Totally, it looked fun.” That was how the infamous friendship had begun.

Chapter Text

Naruto had managed to pass his exams without much trouble with the help of Sasuke. Sasuke sat next to him and next to Sasuke was Sakura. She kept staring at him with hopeful eyes. Naruto could still remember when she tried to ask him out. It happened a couple of months ago when Sasuke finally hit puberty. That’s when he went from the cute kid everyone had a crush on to, everyone with a pussy and some with dicks wanted to fuck him. And a lot of them didn’t take no for an answer. This resulted in some stalking situations Naruto would rather not bring up.
Naruto had always had an instinctual need to protect Sasuke and vice versa, especially sexually. Everyone knew or had a hunch why all the Uchiha looked the same, had the same powers and no news of marriages in the public. Sasuke was no exception. His older brother, according to him, was quite weird, but when asked Sasuke never explained much further than: “He pokes me!” This is why he jumped up onto his desk and glared at Sakura.
“What?!” she yelled. Her nice demeanor changed completely, this usually happened with Sakura whenever she looked at Naruto, or with any of Sasuke’s secret admirers. Naruto just glared at her with intense eyes and started to lean forward. Sakura did the same. You could feel the tension form a mile away. It was almost like electricity was moving between them.
…
Tobio was sitting in his seat talking about how great it would be to finally be a ninja. “My parents never believed in me, you know. I’ve never believed in myself so to think I’d make it this far, just wow.”
“That’s great man,” said his friend. “Wish I could relate. I kind’ve expected to pass.”
“That’s not egotistical at all,” said Tobio, his voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Do you know how to throw multiple shuriken from one hand?”
“Yeah, so you do it like…” As he was in the middle of saying this he lifted his arm and put his elbow up. He had a habit of doing this so he didn’t expect anything to be different this time around. He stopped when his elbow made a light bump onto what seemed to be a shoe. “Hunh!?” He turned around. “Oh! Sorry!” He stopped to stare at the scene, Sakura and Naruto were kissing. The entire room erupted into chaos and it was only 7:31. Tobio looked at his hands with newfound fear. “Was it…my fault?”
“Poison! My mouth is ruined forever!” cried Naruto as he coughed like he was in pain.
“Naruto! You piece of shit, you are so dead!” yelled Sakura. She snatched a water bottle off someone’s desk. She tore the cape open which broke the damn thing and put it so close to her mouth Tobio thought she was going to swallow it. Sasuke simply had a shocked expression on his face.
“What the fuck…just happened?” he muttered.
“Naruto!!!” screeched Ino. “You are so dead-.”
“No!” said Sakura. “I don’t need your help, Ino-pig. I’m not the weak kid you once knew.” She turned toward Naruto with newfound confidence and an expression that said she was not fucking around. “After school at 6:00.” Naruto stopped coughing and looked at her with confusion on his face.
“Pm or am-.” Sasuke grabbed his shoulder and shook his head. When he was done he turned toward Sakura.
“He understands.”
“Good, I’m not going to repeat myself.” The bell rang and Iruka sensei walked in. He looked at the class with a confused expression.
“Why do you all look so shocked? Sit down!” Class begun.

Chapter Text

Sakura sat down in her seat after Ino told her too. Iruka-sensei explained what was going to happen to them now. She did not want to be teamed up with Naruto but she knew Sasuke would be happy to team up with him, and if Sasuke was happy then she was happy, what type of lover would she be if Sasuke would be unhappy loving her?

“The teams will be, Haruno Sakura and Uzumaki Naruto.” Sakura could feel her heart sink into her chest. She began to curse under her breath. Sasuke turned to glance at her and he seemed annoyed. But she pushed the thought of her mind. There was no way Sasuke was annoyed with her. He loved her, he was just shy. Her shy bad boy. She turned her attention back to her sensei and wondered who her third teammate would be. For the love of god please don’t let it be Ino. Just do me that favor sky daddy. I think I’ll kill myself if you put me on a team with both of them. “And Uchiha Sasuke!” It took a moment for those words to settle in Sakura’s brain but once they did she leaped up with her fists in the air and exclaimed “Oh yeah!!!” Thank you so much man!!! “Sasuke, Sakura and Naruto huh?” said a boy behind her. “My father told me that there usually aren’t enough girls so they always put one girl and two boys and the boys always fight over the girl. I don't think that's going to happen here.” This boy was Shikamaru.

“Why not?” asked a random girl. Shikamaru simply sighed and didn’t answer. But Sakura herself wondered as well. Why did Shikamaru say that?

“Master Iruka!!” cried Naruto. “What were you thinking of, saddling a most excellent shinobi like myself with that loser!?” Naruto’s finger pointed directly toward Sakura.

Iruka-sensei put the backs of his hands on his hips and spoke, “Of the twenty-seven of you, Sakura has the best grades other than Sasuke. That’s why you’re here, Naruto. You’re filler for the most part, like 40%.”

“I’m filler!?”

“Just leave it Naruto,” grumbled Sasuke. He glanced at Sakura again, looking more annoyed. He’s annoyed at Naruto right? Not at me. He couldn’t be angry at me…right? More exposition happens that if you like to see…go read the manga. Sakura was sitting alone on a rock. She picked at her knee. It was becoming a bit of a habit for her to do this when she was stressed. Her mother was always telling her she should twirl her hair or do girly things to relive it. But that wasn’t her. She wasn’t like other girl-okay let’s not finish that. The point is Sakura wasn’t into makeup or jewelry like Ino was. She was simply not girly. Why did everyone have such an issue? And people were always commenting on her chest, or rather her lack of it. Her mother used to be a very popular prostitute in Konoha and her father did something in an office, but that was how they met. The only man to truly love her for her. Sakura had expected from a young age to deal with the back problems and rashes her mother had and they would bond over that. She was twelve, her mother was d cup by now. Ino had just started getting boobs. Heck, even Choji had bigger tits than her! Speaking of Ino actually, she was currently walking up to her. She wore revealing clothing and swung her small tits back and forth like she knew how attractive she was.

“Sakura, if you're going to beat the rumors about you being a lesbian you need to stop staring at other girls' chests. If you are, I don’t care but now people are starting to ask if I’m dating you.” Gah! I didn’t even realize she stopped.

“People think I’m gay?”

“You are a pink haired, flat-chested, tomboy. Of course people think you’re gay! Wake up sweetie.”

“But I’m Sasuke’s number one fan?! How could people think…?”

“It’s called overcompensating Sakura. Think about how this looks: a ‘supposed’ lesbian simping over a ‘gay’ guy.” She put air quotes on the words supposed and gay.

“Wait? You mean Sasuke? How could he-.” She paused and genuinely gave it thought for a couple seconds.

“Yeah, no. That makes sense. Is it too late to fix him?”

“Well you can try, but I doubt you’re going to be able to do anything without ending up with a sexual assault charge. Anyway, that’s not what I’m here to talk to you about. You need to call off your fight with Naruto, the poor kid’s been through enough.”

“So have I! If anything my shit’s worse!” Ino scoffed.

“You really believe that huh? You’ve been so sheltered and it’s my fault you’re like this. Go fuck youself Sakura. This feud of ours is so dumb.” Ino walked away. Sakura went back to picking at her knee until eventually she drew blood. She went to the bathroom and headed over toward the sink to wash her knee.

“I really don’t like when you kiss other people,” said Sasuke. Sakura lifted her head up so fast she almost got whiplash. Sasuke! It sounds like they're outside.

“You know it was an accident,” said Naruto. “And why does it bother you so much? I do whatever I want. Wait…do you have a crush on Sakura?!”

“I don’t want Sakura,” grumbled Sasuke.

“Then what do you want?” Sasuke groaned and this was when Sakura could feel water dripping on her leg. She looked down to find the sink had flooded.

“Oh shit!” she exclaimed. She turned it off. The door opened. “Ahh! Don’t come in here! It’s the girls bathroom!”

“What are you talking about Haruno!? It’s the boys bathroom! Can’t you see the fucking urinals!?” Sasuke gestured to the row of urinals Sakura had missed on her way here.

“About what you were going to say?” asked Naruto. He seemed to be avoiding making eye contact or even looking at Sakura.

“That’s not important right now Naruto! Sakura bleeding!”

“Oh no! It’s fine Sasuke!” Sasuke rushed over and used Sakura’s dress as a band-aid. He worked so fast Sakura barely had time to say stop. The entire time though, the guy looked super scared. His hands were shaking and he looked like he was about to cry.

“Sasuke…” said Naruto. “You don’t have to…” He sighed and waited until Sasuke was done to continue.

“Are you good now?” asked Sasuke.

“Yeah,” Sakura sounded like her mother when she talked to some of her old clients, her voice breathy and shocked.

“Good.” His voice broke.

“Hey are you okay-.”

“You’ve done enough.” Naruto said this like it was an order. Sasuke walked away with Naruto and Naruto turned around to glare at her.

“What…did…I…do?” One of the stall doors opened.

“Now you know how I feel,” said Tobio as he went to wash his hands in the sink.

Chapter Text

After saving Sakura the first thing Sasuke did was lock himself in his room and cried. He did not like blood for the obvious reason. Or should he say reasons? Because it wasn’t just one, but almost all of them. All of them other than him and…he didn’t even deserve to be named. Naruto had left saying he wanted to eat up on ramen before his fight with Sakura. That was the only thing he cared about, well that and him of course. Everyone loved him, but no one knew him. They loved his body, his hair, his eyes, his voice. But they didn’t love him at all. Not even Naruto, his closest friend, knew him that well. You see when Sasuke was…alone, he started to lose his grip on reality. The thoughts would come flooding into his mind and it all went to shit after that. But this time? No, he wasn’t going to let go this time. He took his hand and grabbed his leg. His fingers penetrated the skin and his thigh started to hurt.

“You’re not strong enough,” taunted he who must not be named.

“Sasuke, why didn’t you save us?!” cried his mother.

“Is it because of what some of you aunties did?” asked his father. “They just love hugs, you know that. It’s how they show affection, kid. Why can’t you understand that? They wouldn’t do that to you, you’re too young.” Sasuke opened his mouth to respond.

“But they said they wanted to prepare me! I don’t want to be prepared! I don’t want-!” Another memory overtook Sasuke’s brain. No, multiple memories, because it happened multiple times. It only stopped when Shisui found out. He could see one of his aunties standing over him in the room he was currently in. She put her hand down his pants and Sasuke liked it. This is so fucked. I’m so fucked. This entire family is so fucked. She kissed him. She’s so hot. I should like this. Most guys will kill for an opportunity like this. Her huge tits were pushed up to his face.

“Suck. Suck like a baby cause that’s what you are. A total brat. Suck on your auntie’s tits.”

“But I’m only supposed to do that to mommy!” His voice even sounded like a child.

“And I’m your mom’s sister. Don’t make this weird babe.” Sasuke forced himself to wake up, he opened his eyes and realized that it was 5:58.

“Naruto!” He tore off his bed sheets and walked around the house. He couldn’t think. I know Naruto had to go somewhere but where was it?! Skydaddy help me! A scream emitted from the ground. Sasuke looked down and saw that Denka, that crazy cat lady's pet, had gotten his tail stepped on by Sasuke’s humongous feet. God were my feet always this huge? He picked up Denka and carried her to the bathroom as the world spun around him. He stopped to look at himself in the mirror. He saw himself except he was smiling. Sasuke wrote this off as him not being able to feel his face but then ‘he’ started laughing, loud and crazy. ‘His’ face morphed into an older Sasuke, about sixteen.

“Why are you laughing?” ‘HIM’ stopped and looked at him.

“No, why are you laughing?”

“But I’m not laughing.”

“No, I’m you so you’re laughing.”

“Are you a hallucination?”

“Does it matter? The point is I’m here to help you through puberty.”

“Yeah, well you’re too late man. My voice already dropped like six months ago.”

“No, not that boring shit. I’m here for the fun stuff.” Suddenly Sasuke’s dick got hard.

“Um, what did you just do?”

“You know what I just did. Now put your hand down your pants.”

“Oh, I’m not in the mood-.” Suddenly Sasuke’s libido decided to wake up. “So I just…touch it?”

“Well there’s more than just touch. First let’s start off by grabbing it.” Sasuke heistanted. “Come on, it’s not gonna kill you.” Sasuke grabbed his own dick. “Any questions?”

“I have two.”

“Shoot.”

“Can I suck my own dick?”

“Damn kid! You’re a hoot! You’re gonna be a total freak in the sheets!” ‘HIM’ cleared his throat. “Yes, but let’s start at handjob like a normal person and not a fuckboy. And what’s the second question?”

“What do I do with my balls?”

“Again, let’s start at the dick.” Sasuke followed ‘HIM’s instructions on what to do and when he got his orgasm, he looked over at Denka who looked like he was in more pain now then when Sasuke stepped on his tail. “Now just remember to do that whenever those fantasies of yours get too much. Especially if you see that hot auntie of yours. Next time I’ll teach you fingering. Bye bitch.” ‘HIM’ disappeared from the mirror.

“He’s so cool,” Sasuke basically moaned. His mouth was drooling and his tongue was out. He probably looked like a total fuckboy right now. He sat up and wiped the saliva off his mouth. “Come one Denka. Let’s go to the shop.” Denka, with some reluctance, went into Sasuke’s arms and let him carry him out the door. “Oh right! Naruto’s fight with Sakura! Wonder how’s that going? Naruto’s probably getting his ass handed to him.”

Chapter Text

“For the last fucking time it was accident!” yelled Naruto as Sakura kicked the shit out of him. The only she hadn’t injured at this point was his balls and Naruto honestly felt like if he wasn’t currently crossing his legs those would’ve been broken in mere minutes. Sakura raised her leg and was clearly going for the head. Naruto, in panic, began to move around, raising his hands up looking away. Sakura took advantage of the opportunity in front of her and without hesitating or holding back and slammed her kick down onto Naruto's last chance of having a family. Naruto bit his lip until it drew blood. “Okay, that’s it!” Naruto did some hand sign bullshit (Go read the manga) and shouted, “Sexy reverse harem jutsu!” Naruto turned into a group of hot guys. Sakura’s nose bled. Naruto then made it bleed even more with the punch he gave her. He then turned his husbandos into shadow clones and the fight was basically over after that. “And stay the fuck away from Sasuke. He doesn’t need anymore reminders of his past, yeah?”

“Why are you so obsessed with Sasuke anyway? Oh wait, it’s because you're an orphan so now you develop an unhealthy obsession with anyone who gives a shit about you? I would say fatherless behavior but we all know you don’t have a mom either.”

“Why you-.”

“Enough,” said Sasuke.

“Sasuke!” Sakura squealed.

“You make me sick! I have no parents either!? What do you think of me then, huh?”

“Oh, um…”

“I regret helping you. Naruto, come on. Annoying trash like her isn’t worth spending time on. We’ll go to that ramen place you're so obsessed with and eat until you throw up.” Naruto followed Sasuke without another word to come out of his mouth, but he did raise his middle finger to Sakura as they walked away.

Chapter Text

“Here ya go Naruto,” said Teuchi. A nice plate of ramen was put in front of him. “Sasuke, what would you like?”

“Um, Miso?”

“Coming right up kid.” Sasuke flinched at the use of the word kid.

“Hey Sasuke,” said Ayame. “You look different. A lot happier now I would say.”

“Yeah? Thanks.”

“So do you have a girlfriend?” Naruto spit out the ramen he was eating. “No,” Sasuke said in a monotone voice.

“Oh well you got that look in your face when someone has a crush on somebody. The calm demeanor, you honestly seem kind’ve content. You’re never like this.”

“I do? Do I really look that miserable most of the time?”

“Yes,” Teuchi answered for her.

“I’m glad to see you happy for once, like actually happy. Sure, you’ve laughed and smiled but there’s always these huge bags under your eyes and, god, they just look empty. It’s like you have a will to live now.”

“Does everyone think I looked depressed?”

“You don’t wanna know what the people in the village think of you,” said Ayame.

“I can take it.”

“Well they think you’re a schizo Sasuke. Ptsd, depression. All the mental disorders you can think of.” Well maybe I can fix that.

“Do you want to go out on a date?” Teuchi looked at him in disbelief, mouth agape. Naruto just stared at him with wide eyes.

“Aren’t you-well I guess you aren’t if you're asking me out huh?”

“You have balls to ask out my daughter in front of me, kid. You’re lucky her mom is no longer with us because…god she would spit you out for trying to make her your beard.”

“What’s a beard?” Sasuke asked. Ayame and Teuchi both laughed until their bellies hurt.

“Good one kid but my baby girl is way too old for you.”

“Dad,” whined Ayame. “Stop calling me your baby girl!” Her face was red.

“Yeah, Sasuke,” grumbled Naruto. “Do you ever think about that? Are you trying to get Ayame on a list?”

“No, I just happen to have experience with older women.” The room went quiet and Naruto went back to slurping his ramen. No one said anything for a while until Teuchi gave Naruto the check.

“Actually I think Sasuke is going to pay this time.” He got up and left. Teuchi looked at Sasuke and opened his hand. Sasuke had never paid for ramen in his life. He didn’t even like ramen! He sighed and took out some coins.

“Here.”

“Thanks kid.” Sasuke went home and looked into the mirror again.

“Hey.” ‘HIM’ appeared in an instant.

“What’s going on?”

“I asked Ayame out.”

“Whose Ayame?”

“Teuchi daughter? You’re me, shouldn't you know her?”

“The ramen family is only important to Naruto and since Naruto is important to you they’re important to you, to everyone else their filler characters that don’t deserve to have names.”

“Oh.”

“But good on you for asking her out.”

“She said something about how people think I’m crazy so I thought I’d fix that by trying to date a nice girl.”

“She’s too old for you bud.”

“She’s seventeen, that's way younger than any of my aunties were.” ‘HIM’ looked almost sad for Sasuke, well he was ‘HIM’ so ‘HIM’ would understand his pain.

“Maybe you should shoot for girls that aren’t on the cusp of adulthood. Like fifteen max.”

“Well there’s literally everyone that wants to fuck me at school. Not to mention my fanclub.”

“Good, fuck them.”

“Which ones?”

“Well there’s Sakura, pretty girl. She could be nice.” Sasuke groaned. He wasn’t the biggest fan of Sakura right now.

“I’m half convinced the only reason she’s so obsessed with me is because she’s deep in the closet. I mean have you seen the way she looks at other girls?”

“She could be your beard,” suggested ‘HIM’.

“I’m not gay.”

“I never said you were.” Sasuke raised an eyebrow at what ‘HIM’ was suggesting.

“Give it to me straight, am I gay?” ‘HIM’ burst out laughing.

“How can I answer if you're gay when you want it straight? Straight where? Straight into your butthole?!”

“Ignoring how I phrased it, am I gay?”

“No.”

“You’re not telling me something.”

“I know.”

“Why?”

“Because if I told you now, you would never accept it.”

“How can you know that?”

“Because I’m you, Sasuke. Future you. I know how this story goes.”

“Why are you here?”

“Because you need an older brother figure in your life so now I’m here. We don’t need people saying you act like a brotherless child too.”

“You care about me? Like, you don’t want to hurt me or have sinister intentions beneath the surface?”

“I would never hurt you. I’m not Itachi.”

“I hate that name.”

“I know, but I’m not like your big brother. I promise.”

“So what do I do now? Have sex with everyone in Konoha? How do I stop them from thinking I’m crazy?”

“Well if you have sex with everyone in the damn village you’ll probably get a bunch of people pregnant, and cause another village wide epidemic of STDS like Sakura’s mom.”

“Was she really that popular?”

“More than you could ever know.”

“So, I don’t ask people out?”

“No, just ask people out on dates until one works out. That way you don’t look like a fuckboy, just a guy exploring your options.”

“Okay, thanks. Have any other suggestions?”

“You’ll figure it out.” ‘HIM’ left and Sasuke went to bed.

Chapter Text

Kakashi had just finished reading a chapter of makeout paradise. He was midway through the novel. He got out of bed and went over to the memorial stone where Obito and Rin’s bodies laid in peace. At least he hoped they were.
He said his prayers and left. He headed to the academy. God, I remember when I used to go here. He got to the classroom and opened the door. Something fell on his head. It was a chalk cleaner.
“I’m sorry sensei, I tried to make him stop but Naruto wouldn’t listen,” Haruno whined as she tried to hide her grin. I’m assuming Naruto’s the orange hair one. He glanced over at the Uchiha. And you, you’ve definitely got your stick up your ass. He groaned and cleared his throat. God, I should stop wearing this mask.
“Hmm, how should I put this. Based on my first impression, I’d have to say… I hate you!!!” They headed up the roof without a word.
“Now I’d like you all to tell us a little about yourselves-.”
“Like what!?” cried Naruto. Thank god I said a little, I’m probably not going to know you guys for very long.
He cleared his throat again. Maybe I should get checked for asthma.
“...You know. The usual. Your favorite thing…What you hate the most…Dreams, ambitions, hobbies. Things like that.”
“Help us out here, coach,” said Naruto. “You go first. Show us how it’s done.” Well you’re slightly different from last year-oh god, last year. But that was a story for another time.
“That’s right,” said the pink haired girl. “After all, you’re a complete stranger to us…a mystery.” And I like to stay that way. Why do you think I suffocate myself with this damn mask?
“Oh…me? My name is Hatake Kakashi. I’m the kind of person who doesn’t like talking about his likes and dislikes! My dreams for the future are none of your business…but anyway, I have lots of hobbies…”
“All I’ve learned is your damn name!” cried the yellow guy.
“Now it’s your turn. Starting with you on the right.” He was referring to the kid whose name he already forgot, which seemed fast but he didn’t even know what most of his student names were. There was simply no point.
“Me right?! My name is Uzumaki Naruto! What I like is instant cup ramen! What I like even better is when master Iruka treats me to ramen at the Ichiraku noodle bar!! What I hate is the three minute wait after I pour in the boiling water. My dream is to one day…”
Ramen huh? You could be on one of those tv shows where people talk about their strange addictions.
“Be a better shinobi than Lord Hokage!!! And then the villagers will have to acknowledge my existence at last!!”
Maybe you should stick to ramen for attention.
“My hobbies are pranks and practical jokes, I guess.”
“I see…Next!”
“My name is Uchiha Sasuke. I like onigiri and tomatoes. I dislike fermented soybeans and sweet stuff in general. I have some hobbies, but I would rather not tell you about them. I have a goal though, that is to kill a certain someone. My life, other than my work, is consumed with that one goal.”
Heh, he talks like I don’t already know who that is. Well he seems to be doing a lot better than I thought he’d be doing. And finally, the girl.
“I am Haruno Sakura. My favorite thing is…well it’s not a thing it’s a person.” She glanced over at Sasuke. Huh? I thought she was a lesbian. Maybe because that Uchiha boy looks pretty feminine. I kind’ve thought he was a girl when I first saw him. That might be enough for her.
“Uh, let’s move on to my dream! My hobbies are eating, sleeping and reading bl.” I don’t understand this girl. “I dislike yuri, long mangas and filler. And most of all I hate Naruto!”
“I can live with that,” said Naruto.
“You’re all unique in your own ways.” Fujioshi, ramen addict and needs to get a life. Still better than last year's cra-crop. “Formal training begins tomorrow.”
“Yes sir! What will our duties be?! Our first real mission as shinobi!” said Naruto.
“Our first project involves only the members of this cell.”
“What is it? What?”
“Survival exercises.”
“Survival exercises?”
“Hmm, interesting,” said Sasuke.
“But why would that be a mission? Our school days were full of survival training!”
“Because you’ll have to survive against me. And that’s not easy.”
“And what's that gonna be like?” asked Naruto. Kakashi couldn’t help but chuckle. These new gens crack me up! They have no idea who I am.
“What are you laughing about, Master Kakashi,” said Sakura.
“Oh, nothing. It’s just that…if I told you, you’d chicken out.”
“Chicken out?” muttered Naruto. “Why would we do that?”
“Of the twenty-seven members of your graduating class only nine will actually be accepted as junior-level shinobi. The other eighteen must go back for more training. The test we are about to perform has a 66% rate of failure.”
“Ahh-ahh,” groaned Naruto. Sakura just gulped and Sasuke let out a heavy sigh. Kakashi couldn’t help but burst out in laughter.
“Ha, ha, ha! See? You’re chickening out already!”
There was nothing but silence.
And then Naruto erupted like a volcano that had laid dormant for too long.
“That sucks!!! We have been through hell! What about our graduation test?!”
“Oh! We wanted to eliminate all the hopeless cases from your ranks. The ones who are left are the only students who show true potential-.”
“Say what?!” cried Naruto.
“In any event, we’ll meet tomorrow morning on the practice field so that I can evaluate each of your skills and weaknesses. Bring all your ninja tools and weapons. And don’t have breakfast beforehand unless you like throwing up.”
“But…but…but,” Naruto muttered aimlessly. But suddenly his face steeled and he looked determined. Unsure but determined. This is definitely going to be an interesting group. I might actually learn their names.
Kakashi pulled out some papers. “The details of your assignment are in this handout. Memorize it and don’t be late.”
“Throw up!?” Sakura exclaimed. “How hard is this exercise going to be!?”
Sasuke took it and crumpled it up. Sakura looked determined as she tried to read the paper.
“Aww, man! It’s all in kanji!” exclaimed Naruto.
They left and Kakashi went back to reading his book.

Chapter Text

When Kakashi came in all three of his new ‘students’ yelled ‘You're late!!!’ Even the Uchiha. “Good morning you guys!” They headed out into the field.
“I’ve set this alarm to go off at noon.” The kids looked at him with confused expressions. He explained further… “I have here two small bells…You’re challenge is to steal these away from me before the timer sounds. Anyone who fails…doesn’t get any lunch. Instead you will be tied to that tree stump, so I can eat your lunch in front of you.”
“So that’s why you wanted us to go without any breakfast!” exclaimed Naruto.
Kakashi jingled the bells. “All you need is just one bell…Apiece. But since there aren’t enough to go around, one of you is definitely headed for the stump. And whoever that is will be the first of you to fail. One of you is on your way back to school…and disgrace.”
Their faces turned determined.
“You may, if you choose, use shuriken. Attack as though you mean to kill or you’ll never stand a chance.”
“But…” started Sakura. “That’s so dangerous!”
“You couldn’t even dodge an eraser!! You’re gonna get yourself killed.”
“Only the weak speak loudly.” Arrogance. Complete arrogance. I don’t even need my Sharingan to see how this is gonna go.
“Now let’s forget the dunce and we’ll start at my signal!”
Naruto looked offended. Kakashi immediately became on guard. He knew the look of people when they had murder intent and he knew the movements they made when they were about to act on it. Naruto pulled a shuriken from his blue pocket and spun it on his finger. He then grabbed it mid-spin and charged. He could’ve hurt himself. A complete lack of caring for himself. Would make sense. No one cared about him. And he has no idea why.
“Naru-,” stuttered the Uchiha. But it was already too late. Kakashi had already grabbed his hand and head and now had him in a position where Kakashi had all the advantages.
“Not so fast,” he scolded. “I didn’t say go.” The side characters, or Haruno and Uchiha both stared at him. Haruno looked shocked while the Uchiha looked impressed. “But at least you tried to kill me so you must at least have some respect for me huh? Heh, heh, heh. Just maybe, I’m starting to like ya three. And now, ready, steady, Go!!”
… … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … … …
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two and one! Kakashi opened his eyes to find all three kids gone. “The basis of all shinobi arts is to become invisible…eradicate yourself. All three of them are well hidden,” he muttered under his mask.
And then Naruto popped out of nowhere.
“It’s time for the match to begin!! Let’s make it a real match, worthy of the greatest warrior! Em-Warriors. I’m including you in there Sasuke!”
“You fuck head!!!” yelled the Uchiha before realizing what he had done and then Kakashi heard the leaves rustle and then stop. Really cares for the brat, huh.
He turned back toward Naruto. “I believe you’re thinking of the wrong kind of match…”
Naruto charged. “The only thing wrong here is your hairstyle!” he cried. Okay, now that's just too far.
He went inside his pocket and Naruto skidded to a stop. “Let me teach you your first Ninjutsu skill. Tai-jutsu. The art of the trained body.” He found what he was looking for and pulled it out. This was a very valuable thing to Kakashi. Something he loved more than his own life and would happily die if it meant he could have this forever, well, if Gai wouldn’t complain to him after he died and went to whatever place they went after this.
What was this weapon you might ask? An orange book with the drawing of a man chasing after a woman. Whether she liked it or not remained unclear, just like in the book. The name of this great, no, holy book? Make-Out Paradise.
“Is something wrong? I thought you were coming for me?” asked Naruto. He stammered through more sentences before finally getting one out. “But that’s a book.”
“Of course it’s a book. I’ve been dying to find out how this story ends. Carry on. It doesn’t matter, I’m up against you. I can split my attention, can't I?”
It took a second of confusion on Naruto's face before he lost it.
“I’m gonna flatten you!” Like a pancake? Speaking of pancakes, the secondary love interest is very… Naruto punched fast, but Kakashi just blocked.
He tried to kick but Kakashi just dodged. Why would you do that? What type of man proposes in someone else's wedding! And she wore white?!
“All right! That’s it!” cried Naruto. It happened to be the exact line Kakashi was reading. It was in the context that the female lead's sister was getting sick of her bullshit. This distracted him as it interrupted his thoughts. Okay, time to end this.
He went behind Naruto.
“What the?!” said Naruto.
“Don’t show your back. It’s bad ninjutsu dunce boy.” The first two fingers on both of his hands were pressed against each other.
“Naruto,” cried the Uchiha. “Get out of there!” I was right. He really does care about him.
Naruto turned to the Uchiha. “What?”
“Too late,” said Kakashi.
“Naruto!” cried Sasuke. Kakashi put his fingers up his ass.
“Our villages' most secret and sacred technique. ONE THOUSANDS YEAR OF DEATH…to your ass. But we don’t say that last part.”
Suddenly a ball of fire hit Kakashi. Make-Out Paradise burned to crisp. Kakashi switched with a lodge, but it wasn’t in time to save his clothing. He looked to where the fire came from, luckily sitting in a tree gave him a pretty good view. It was that Uchiha boy. Sasuke huh? They say Uchiha’s love hard, don’t they?
Naruto was fine. He had landed in the water like Kakashi had planned. The trees rustled again. Haha, I’ll find a way to punish you for that. And then two ninja stars came out from the water. He’s actually pretty clever. Kakashi caught them without a single glance and also without looking threw them at where Sasuke was hiding. Guessing by his screams of agony he didn’t dodge or see them in time. Naruto jumped out of the water.
“Huh? What happened to the guy?” He seemed to have noticed Sasuke’s screams because he came rushing over. He found Sasuke’s body and boy, did he look bad. I outdid myself huh?
“Agh! Sasuke!” The first shuriken had impaled itself in the middle of his hand. Two fingers on either side. The second…on his head.
“I’m gonna kill you!” cried Naruto. Keep trying kid. It’s about time you understood the path you're taking. Naruto looked around for the man. Kakashi just sighed and continued to read his book.
Oh, she slapped her too?! Oh my god!

Chapter Text

Sasuke was in a lot of pain. He wasn’t sure why he was in said pain, but he knew where it was. It was on his head and between his fingers. He wiggled his fingers to make sure they still worked. Naruto kept yelling at that tree but Sasuke couldn’t hear what he was saying. There was a ringing in his ears. His head hurt, obviously, but he was too scared to try and see the extent of it. Is this what it feels like to die? Is this what my parents felt when…no you don’t deserve to be named. What do I do now? Well since this is going to be my last chance…
“Naruto,” he cleared his throat. “I love-.” At that moment his entire world changed. Sasuke's wounds healed and the pain was no more. He got up completely fine. Kakashi jumped down from the tree and put the book away.
“Well, sorry about that!” He gave an awkward smile and scratched the back of his head. But Naruto wasn’t having it.
“Sorry?!” he shrieked. “For almost killing Sasuke?! What the hell was that?!”
“Genjutsu,” he said. “It wasn’t real. And I wasn’t apologizing for making you think he was dying. I’m apologizing for almost causing a confession.” Sasuke almost bit his tongue. This guy…is honest but annoying.
“Almost causing a confession?!” cried Naruto. “What confession?!”
“Sometimes when people think they’re dying they say stuff they would’ve never have said if they were alive and well. But anyway, my reason for doing this? I needed to show you the perils of being a ninja in today's world. Naruto, you talk about becoming the Hokage like when a kid answers what they want to do when they become an adult. You’re twelve, grow up. Sasuke, you are obsessed with this one goal of yours. You can’t live in the present. You’re constantly distracted. I’ve looked at some of your old school work. Everything after seven years of age is just drawings of your brother getting killed. Every essay you ever wrote contains an excessive amount of violence. The school psychiatrist almost fainted when she saw those and she’s lived through a lot!”
All three responded at the same time.
“We have a school psychiatrist!?”
“Yeah, downstairs in the basement. Did they not tell you about her?”
“I honestly thought those people were a myth made up by tv,” said Naruto.
“I thought we didn’t have those,” said Sasuke. “I knew other villages had them but not ours!”
“Me too,” said Sakura.
“Anyway, Haruno. You…you don’t stand out much. You’ve got no interesting backstory.”
“And what would count as an interesting backstory?”
“Trauma, abuse, losing family members. The greatest shinobi are were already fucked up from day one. Why do you think they're so great at their jobs? You’re too innocent. Your name means cherry blossom, your clan…is a mix of nobodies and somebody who is known for a…different technique.”
“You mean her mom?” asked Naruto.
“Yeah.”
“What technique does she know?” Sasuke grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back. He then whispered in his ear.
“She was good at giving blowjobs and…whipping people. She was known as Mebuki the Menace. Or Haruno Handjobs.”
“Why would she whip-.” Sasuke shoved him forward. He was not having a conversation about that with Naruto.
“Anyway, the point I’m trying to make here is that you all need to take this seriously and be present. Be more aggressive. Attack to kill. Like you actually want to do this and not because you have other goals in mind.”
“I still don’t understand what I’m doing wrong,” said Sakura. “I’m doing all those things, unlike these two.”
“Sakura, have you ever wanted to die?”
“What?! No, of course not! Who would ever want to-.” At that moment Sakura seemed to gain some self-awareness. “God, Skydaddy was hard on you guys. I think you’re all insane.”
“Does that mean you no longer have a crush on me?” asked Sasuke.
“What? Of course I do! I have a therapist in the family, I can fix you in time before we get married! Don’t even worry about it!” Sasuke sighed.
“Are you a lesbian?” asked Sasuke. He knew how borderline traumatic it would be to have your crush ask if you were gay but he genuinely believed this girl was overcompensating for something.
“N-no. My glorious king. Oh!”
“What?!” Naruto exclaimed.
“Um, um…”
“I don’t even wanna know,” said Sasuke.
“What would you think that I-I’m…”
“You are so obsessed with me for no real reason, it honestly makes me think you’re overcompensating for something.”
“No,” interjected Naruto. “She’s just a simp. I didn’t realize girls could be one of those. Kind’ve wished I had one.”
“You do,” said Sasuke. “That Hinata girl. She’s obsessed with you and not in the gay way.”
“Oh…” Naruto was blushing now. “T-that’s good.” Kakashi seemed to raise an eyebrow at this display.
“I want ninjas not middle school drama, this is exactly what I’m talking about.”
“Well we are middle schoolers.”
“Not anymore, not since you graduated. Once you graduate into chunin you’ll be considered young adults, and then once you achieve jonin status you’ll be finally able to drink alcohol.”
“Is that all we have to look forward to?” asked Sakura.
“No, of course not,” said Kakashi without missing a beat. “But I can’t tell you about those things…yet.”
“Why not?” asked Naruto.
“Because you’re not legally allowed to do them yet and I know you would want to do them if you knew about them. Anyway, you’ll get one last chance to prove yourselves. Let’s see if you can take my advice.”
Naruto leaped up and when he landed back down there were five of him now. “Just a question. How do you know how to do that?” asked Kakashi. Yeah, I was wondering about that too.
“You know the hot springs?”
“Yeah?”
“One time a guy went up to me and told me if I su-.”
“Okay! Just forget I asked that.”
“Good! My ass is still sore so here comes the revenge!”
主よ、憐れんでください! He’s still gonna attack him upfront!? Are you fucking kidding me?! God, I should get my fireball ready for the next time he fucks up. くそー、あなたは幸運です、ナルトを愛しています.

Chapter Text

“Hatake, (Look at me. The world has been hard on you. I know you think joining the ANBU will solve your problems but it won’t, it didn’t for me) anzur 'ilya. laqad kan alealam saeban ealayki. 'aelam 'anak taetaqid 'ana aliandimam 'iilaa al'unbu sayahilu mashakilak lakinah lam yafeal dhalika, lam yakun kadhalik bialnisbat li,” said the therapist in the academy. Kakashi graduated a while ago but since she was the only one around, like most young ninja, they went to her.
“(How could you know anything about it!? You didn’t kill your best friend and made the other one evil! You don’t wash your hands every day and-and the blood and guilt won’t come off! You don’t lose any sleep because you’re to busy contemplating suicide! You don’t take a noose, wrap it around your neck and look down, not wishing someone would save you but that your father didn’t kill himself so you wouldn’t feel so guilty!) kayf yumkinuk 'an taerif 'ayu shay' ean dhalika!? 'ant lam taqtul sadiqak almufadal watajeal alakhir shryran! 'ant la taghsil yadayk kula yawm walan yazul aldam walshueur bialdhunbu! lan tafqid 'aya nawm li'anak mashghul bialtafkir fi aliantihari! la takhudh anfan wataltafu hawl raqabatik watanzur 'iilaa al'asfala, wala tatamanaa 'an yunqidhak 'ahada, walakin 'ana walidak lam yaqtul nafsah hataa la tasheur bidhalika!”
“(You’re right. I don’t lose any sleep over suicide. Because I don’t sleep. I go down to the bar and drink until someone, man or woman takes me home. Sometimes they’re drunk too, sometimes not. Then I go from whatever house I ended up in to here. I don’t hang myself, I cut.) 'ant ealaa haqin. la 'ufqid 'aya nawm bisabab aliantihari. li'anani la 'anami. 'unzil 'iilaa alhanat wa'ashrab hataa yakhudhani shakhs ma, rjlaan 'aw amra'atan, 'iilaa almanzili. fi baed al'ahyan yakunun fi halat sukar aydan, wahyanan la. thuma 'adhhab min 'ayi manzil aintahaa bi al'amr fih 'iilaa huna. 'ana la 'ashnaq nafsi, bal 'aqtaeu.” She pulled up her sleeves and showed Kakashi her scars.
“(When you said that sometimes the people aren’t drunk, do you mean…) eindama qult 'ana alnaas fi baed al'ahyan la yakunun fi halat sikr, hal taqsidu…”
“(They spiked my drink, yes) laqad sakabuu sharabi, naeam.”
“(I’m so sorry) 'ana asf jidana.”
“(Don’t worry about it, say do you wanna come down to the bar with me?)” la taqlaq bishan dhalika, qul hal turid alnuzul 'iilaa alhanat maei?
“(What?) madha?”
“(Do you want to come down to the bar with me?)hal turid alnuzul maei 'iilaa alhanati?”
“(But, you’ll get raped)lakinak sawf tataearad liliaightisabi.”
“(Sex is sex. Sex fixes everything kid. Everything. Obito would tell you that.) aljins hu aljinsa. aljins yaslih kula shay' ya fataa. kulu shay. 'uwbitu sayukhbiruk bidhalika.”
“(You’ve done this with him too?) hal faealt hadha maeah 'aydan؟”
“(I’ve done this with almost every one of you kids. Come on, let’s go down to the bar.) laqad faealt hadha mae kuli wahid minkum tqryban ya 'atfali. hya, linanzil 'iilaa alhanati.”
…
“Kakashi?!” exclaimed Gai from the bar table. He waved him over. “I didn’t know you went here!” Kakashi came over.
“Me neither. I’m actually kind’ve concerned for you.”
“(Kakashi, here)kakashy huna,” said Auntie Gamila. She was holding two giant beers. Kakashi nearly broke his hand trying to carry them while Gai carried them like a champ.
“(What did you put in these things?!)madha wudieat fi hadhih al'ashya'i?!” exclaimed Kakashi
“You’re Arab!?” Exclaimed Gai.
“What? No. I took a class because…” The words died on his tongue. He sighed. Being Anbu had its annoyances. “My mom was Arab.” Auntie Gamila raised an eyebrow. He had never mentioned his mother.
“You have a mom?!”
“Of course I have a mom, you idiot!”
“Yeah, I meant like, I thought you were one of Mebuki’s bastard kids.”
“Wouldn’t my name be Haruno if she wasn’t married?”
“How am I supposed to know?! I don’t have a mom either! I mean I do, but she told my dad she would come back with milk and…well you can figure that out for yourself.”
“Oh, mine got gang raped and murdered.”
“What?!” Kakashi quickly smashed his beer into Gai’s.
“Anyway, cheers!” Kakashi pulled his mask down and drank the entire thing in one sitting.
“Oh, okay.” Gai did the same.
“(You didn’t think of mentioning that part?) lam tufakir fi dhikr hadha aljuz'i?” asked Auntie Gamila.
“(She died when I was young. Not worth mentioning)matat eindama kunt saghira. la yastahiqu aldhikra.”
“(You said the same for your father) laqad qult nafs alshay' bialnisbat liwalidiki.”
Gai finished his beer. “What’s she saying?”
“Nothing you need to know-ah!” He let out a small yelp and looked down. Great, just great. He put his hand in his pants pocket.
“What wrong Kakashi?” asked Gai.
“(I’ll leave you boys alone now)sa'atrukukum ya 'awlad wahdikum alan,” said Auntie Gamila.
Gai shook his head. “What is that woman saying?”
“Nothing. Don’t worry about it,” assured Kakashi. “So why are you here?”
“Oh, my dad likes to get wasted. Helps with the stress. He’s…” he glanced around before pointing at Might Dai. He was currently flirting with a random woman.
“Think she might be your new mom?”
“Haha, that’s what I used to think until I realized my dad isn’t good with women.”
“Here you go boys,” said the bartender. They got two new beers and both boys drank them in an instant.
“You know…” Gai burped. “This the first time I’ve ever seen you without your mask on. You have a very beautiful face.”
“Thanks, I guess.”
“Do you think my face is nice?”
“No.”
Gai sighed. “Well that’s fine.” He burped again.
“Are you okay?”
“I think I’m gonna throw up!”
“Go to the bathroom!” Gai got up and nearly fell over. Kakashi sighed and picked Gai up with one hand. Gai put his arm on Kakashi’s back as a means to support himself. They walked to the bathroom.
…
Gai was vomiting his guts out so hard tears started to form in his eyes and some even fell down. Kakashi was daydreaming when Gai stopped vomiting and fell to his right side. The side of Gai’s head went right to his crotch. Kakashi, in a panic, took his hand out from his pocket and shoved Gai’s head right off him. But it was already too late.
Which leads to the situation we have now.
“So…”
“It’s because of the beer.”
“Sure, I can believe that…not!”
“What else do you want me to tell you?!”
“Let’s have sex.” Kakashi coughed.
“What?”
“Let’s have sex.”
“I’m a virgin.”
“So am I. That makes it less weird.”
“Fine”
…
They had headed back to Gai’s house and were currently sitting on his father’s bed because it was bigger. That didn’t make Kakashi feel weird at all.
“So who's the top and who's the bottom?” asked Gai. “You know what? I take dibs on bottom.”
“You can’t take dibs on sex positions. And who would want to be a bottom?”
Gai turned around and laid on the bed. He used his legs to prop up his ass to Kakashi’s face. Kakashi just sighed. “Godamnit Kakashi! Don’t you enjoy anything?”
“I like being carried on my father’s back.”
“I liked it when my mom breastfed me but you don’t me whining about when she left for the milk!”
“Did she actually say she was leaving for milk?” Kakashi asked as he grabbed Gai’s ass and got into position.
“Well, she said milk, fish and-ohh!” Gai started to grunt. Kakashi grinded into Gai’s butt, hard. His vision got worse every damn time. His fingers buried themselves into Gai’s surprisingly thick ass. He couldn’t feel his arms. “Ka-Kakashi, you’re hurting me!” Gai exclaimed. Kakashi’s hearing went out and he fell onto the bed.
…
Kakashi woke up in his room. He sat up immediately and looked down. His clothes had been changed. He brought me here? Oh god, oh god. Holy shit! What if he raped me? He wouldn’t do that? Would he? I barely know him, but…I’ll ask Auntie Gamila!
Kakashi went to the academy and waited until he saw the woman herself and ran up to her so fast she dropped everything she was holding.
“(Kakashi! What’s wrong?)” kakashi! ma hu alkhata
“Guy! He took me back home!”
“(Kakashi, calm down and speak Arabic!)kakashi, ahda watahduth bialearabiati!
Kakashi repeated himself in Arabic.
“(Well that’s good.)hasanan hadha jid.
“(But what if he raped me? Should I ask him?)lakin madha law aghtasibani? hal yajib 'an 'as'alahu?”
“(Absolutely not! Communication is how all relationships fail!)bialtabe la! altawasul hu sabab fashal kuli alealaqati!”
“(What?! Then what do I do?)madha?! thuma madha ealia 'an 'ufeala?”
“(You take a big fat rock and throw it at him!)takhudh sakhratan kabiratan watarmiha ealayhi!”
“(Um, okay.)ana bikhayr.” Kakashi went to the hot springs since he knew Guy liked to hang out there in the mornings and took the biggest rock he could carry.
“Hey, did you hear the owner of the ramen place got sick?” said what sounded to be Guy’s voice inside the bathroom. The door to the bathroom opened and Kakashi threw the rock and ran. He had heard a bang sound so it must’ve hit something. But no scream so not Guy, or he was too far away to hear it.
…
“Um, Hello Kakashi sensei?” Naruto had clung onto his back.
“Oh, right. What were we doing?”
“I said, weren't ninjas not supposed to get caught from behind? Right, Kakashi sensei?!”
“Um, yeah.” Another fire ball shot out from the bushes.
“Sasuke, I’ve got this!” whined Naruto. While he was distracted Kakashi switched out with one of the many shadow clones and left Naruto confused and lost.
“God,” he muttered. “This always happens to me. This is getting so annoying I might consider taking medication.”
Naruto’s shadow clones began to attack each other, with accusations of being the real Kakashi sensei flying around.
“Naruto!” called out Sasuke. “He used a Kawarimi no jutsu!”
“A what? Speak English!”
“ファックユー! He switched his body with one of your clones!”
“Well where is he?” The boy squinted.
“I-I, I don’t know!” So he hasn’t gotten his sharingan yet. The murder of his entire clan wasn’t enough? God, this kid must be a sociopath. Well unless he’s purposefully trying not to use it…
Kakashi threw a shuriken at Naruto. Sasuke could clearly see it and panicked. “Naru-.” Kakashi switched it out with a rock. Naruto was knocked out cold. Kakashi then pulled up his blindfold and revealed his bright, red, sharigan eye. Kakashi suddenly felt cold, hard shiruken metal piercing his skin. I’ve always wanted a piercing but not like this and certainly not by an emo twelve year old with deep psychological problems. Kakashi simply switched himself out with a log nearby. The bushes rustled again. And then they rustled from another spot. Kakashi couldn’t help but smile at the scene. I love a good chase. It seems today, reality is finally better than fiction.
Kakashi followed them into the forest of green.
…
Sakura jumped from branch to branch. Merde, merde, merde! She found a nice bush and sat down. She happened to see Kakashi sensei, standing around reading a book.
“Sakura, derrière toi.”
“Huh?” Standing behind Sakura was Kakashi Sensei. Sakura opened her mouth to scream but suddenly felt very dizzy.
“Waht, the fu, is gonnaon,” she slurred. The leaves swirled all around her.
“Sakura!” cried Sasuke. She ran over to the source of the noise and found Sasuke…with a million shuriken stabbed into him.
She nearly had a heart attack at first before coming to her senses.
“Nice try sensei.” A man laughing could be heard. Sakura looked around for the noise and when her eyes glanced at where ‘Sasuke’ was she saw her mom.
“(My darling daughter, I need you to listen to the words coming out of my mouth. You are fat! Fat, I tell you. I look at you and regret ever having you. How are you not suicidal by now I don't know.) Ma fille chérie, j'ai besoin que tu écoutes les mots qui sortent de ma bouche. Vous êtes gros! Gros, je vous le dis. Je te regarde et je regrette de t'avoir jamais eu. Comment vas-tu pour ne plus être suicidaire, je ne sais pas.”
“(Mom? Why are you saying this?) Maman? Pourquoi dis tu cela?”
“(Because you are too happy with yourself. You’re a shinobi goddamnit!)Parce que tu es trop content de toi. Tu es un putain de shinobi!”
“(You sound like Kakashi sensei! Wait, is this another genjutsu?)Vous ressemblez à Kakashi sensei! Attendez, est-ce un autre genjutsu?” Her mother disappeared.
“You caught me,” said a voice from up above. “Well, I’ll go bother Sasuke now.”
“No you won’t,” she said. She took her shuriken and threw it at the trees. She heard a yelp. Now, I’ve got you. Sakura stabbed the tree with her long uncut fingernails and dragged her entire body up with them. She pushed past a giant bush and found Kakashi sensei, just sitting there. No, her shuriken had impaled his leg. He seemed too busy trying to take it out to notice her. So she did it for him.
“You want fucked up? I’ll give you fucked up!” She stabbed into the thick leg of Kakashi sensei. Kakashi jumped up and looked down at her in horror. Mid air he jumped to another tree and continued to run away from Sakura.
But she was already chasing behind him.
…
Sasuke had heard some screaming nearby and wondered if it was Sakura. He took out his shiruken and started to walk toward the noise. He had no idea when that bastard might show up so he did it slowly. And besides, female ninja were known to be pretty squealy, especially the younger ones so if anything it was better if he didn’t waste too much energy on Sakura.
And then Kakashi jumped down from the ground. Sasuke went into his bag and came up empty. “I thought I killed you, sensei.”
“I switched with a log before you saw.”
“But you bled. I saw blood.”
“Yeah, if it makes you feel better I let myself get actually hurt a bit. Just to add to the effect.”
“You’re fucking mad sir.”
“Thank you, but I already know I'm a good shinobi so you don’t need to tell me.” Sasuke would’ve called Kakashi mad again if not for the fact he agreed with the bastard.
“Whatever,” Sasuke sighed. Now what to do about my missing shuriken situation? Maybe I could…
Luckily, Sakura appeared from the trees and tackled Kakashi sensei. Sasuke didn’t ask questions and bolted. When your entire family gets killed, you learn when to run away from a murder scene.
“Sasuke! Help me!” Shit!
“I’ve run out of shuriken, sorry!”
“Then use your fireball!” Sakura was currently trying to pin Kakashi down.
“If I use it too much I get asthma!”
“Really?!”
“Where do you think the fire comes from?! My stomach!” To be quite honest, Sasuke’s stomach was groaning like crazy and his throat was dry to the point it hurt. Not to mention the poop that was currently waiting to fall out from his pants at any wrong movement. That might’ve been unrelated but it still annoyed him.
“Don’t be such a wimp Sasuke,” said ‘HIM’ from behind him.
“Not right now man.”
“Sasuke, who are you talking to?”
“Um, nobody.”
“Are you really going to pretend like I don’t exist?” grumbled ‘HIM’. “You’re not even looking at me.” Sasuke said nothing. “Fine, you don’t have to respond to this, I’m just saying don’t be a wimp.”
“Are you going to do this every time I act like a ‘wimp’?” he whispered.
“Yeah mate. Pretty much. You’ll thank me for this when you get older.”
“That’s exactly what my au-,” he muttered but got cut off.
“Finally!” exclaimed Sakura, jingling the bells. Kakashi was out cold. “And with no help from the main characters!”
“The what?”
“Hey, Sasuke!” said Sakura.
“Yeah, what?”
“Let’s find Naruto.”
“Sure.”
…
At this point Naruto had woken up. He was still dizzy and was currently sitting as he rested his back against a tree. Sasuke and Sakura came running from the woods. “Naruto,” panting Sasuke. “Sakura defeated Kakashi. Let’s head back.”
Naruto must’ve looked angry because the next words that came out of Sasuke’s mouth were,
“What?”
“Are you sure that’s all you two did together?”
“Excuse-moi?!” exclaimed Sakura. “We did nothing together! I did everything! I defeated Kakashi-sensei all by myself!”
“How many times do I have to say no before everyone gets the point?!” groaned Sasuke. “God, why!?”
“Oh,” said Naruto, feeling quite awkward. “Well forget I even asked.” They headed back to the village for Ichiraku ramen.

Chapter Text

“Can you explain why you’ve decided to ask me for lunch?” asked the Third Hokage.
Iruka-sensei cleared his throat. “I’m concerned about Uzamaki Naruto. You know he would love to replace you…” The Third Hokage already started to doze off and think about his hot deceased wife. He was in his sixties and was slowly starting to lose his grip on reality.
“I’ve seen you’ve taken him out for ramen quite a lot, I thank you for that. Say, how’s the Uchiha kid doing?”
“The usual.”
“And that would mean?”
“Okay for him.”
“But not okay?”
“Yeah.”
“He hasn’t tried to kill himself.” Iruka let out a big sigh. “Again.”
“He has before?” Iruka shuddered like the mere memory was too much.
“Yes, it-it’s a long story sir.”
“Well I’d like to hear it,” said Kakashi. He was just standing at the door. Godamnit! I think I blacked out again!
“Hatake, come in.” Kakashi took a seat at the table.
“So, di-did they pass?” asked Iruka nervously.
Kakashi then recounted a long and horrific story of what they did.
“Jesus,” said the Third Hokage. “I didn’t know those three were capable of that. I mean, I thought Uzamaki could at least pull a prank or two. And the Uchiha kid…I was expecting for him to finally break and become the sociopath we were all expecting him to be. But Haruno Ha-Sakura? She was the one student I thought would never pass. I would stare at them with my crystal ball, and no offense Iruka, but those are not a good crop of students.” Maybe they’ve improved when I lost that thing about a year back. God I need to get a replacement, remember that Hiruzen, get a…
“None taken, I’ve taught them.”
“Speaking of them, can you tell me more about them?” asked Kakashi to Iruka.
“Kakashi, you’ve never shown interest in your students before!” exclaimed the Third Hokage.
He gave a soft chuckle. “These kids are different.” He turned back to Iruka. “So?”
“Well with Naruto, as you know, he was very lonely. He has a weird addiction to ramen.”
“Yes I know,” Kakashi sighed. “Does he have a reason to like ramen so much?”
“Well, I mean I’ve never asked him. But before I started to take him to that place he would eat tissues and bite himself. I think he drank his own piss too. I happened to come across him because the Hokage wanted me to deliver something to his neighbor’s house and I got the number wrong. I was in so much shock I took him to the closest restaurant I could find and that was that ramen place. He’s always demanded to go there ever since.”
“Oh god,” said Kakashi.
“I-I didn’t know he was living like that?!” exclaimed the Third Hokage. “I didn’t…” The two men looked at him with mild disgust in their eyes. He simply sighed and accepted there was no way he could turn this around.
“Anyway,” said Iruka. “Then there’s Sasuke. Where do I even begin with that kid? Well you know his entire clan died by his brother. But right now he seems to be doing pretty well…for him.”
“And that would mean?”
“It’s a long story, please man.”
“And his relationship with Naruto?”
“I think Naruto helped him out once and they’ve been…what they are forever since.”
“Iruka you can be frank with me, are they fucking or not?”
“Kakashi!” exclaimed the Third Hokage. “I really doubt they are at this age…well you were at this age but…” Iruka looked like he had walked into a couple having sex, but he continued.
“And then there’s Sakura. Well, you know…”
“Yes, I know.”
“You didn’t have sex with her mom right?”
“What? Of course not! She’s way too old for me. Now the sister however…”
Iruka took out a cloth to wipe his bleeding nose. The Third Hokage just sighed. He didn’t need images of hot women in his head right now. “But seriously, I wonder what made her so…violent?”
“I sometimes wonder that too,” said Iruka.
…
Mebuki Haruno.
Some would say she was the goddess Aphrodite in human form. Others would say she was a slut. You know what she would say? Her back hurt. Yes, just that. She had h cups you know. She grabbed them to give her back some relief and then the door handle could be heard opening. “Kizashi?”
“Hey mom-Ahh!” In an instant Mebuki was already by the door.
“(What are you doing so late?! Have you been hanging out with the boys?! Don’t tell me they’ve defiled my flower?! Tell me those bastards names right now!)Qu'est-ce que tu fais si tard ?! As-tu traîné avec les garçons ?! Ne me dis pas qu'ils ont profané ma fleur ?! Dis-moi ces noms de salauds tout de suite !
“(Uchiha Sasuke and Uzamaki Naruto)Uchiha Sasuke et Uzamaki Naruto.” Mebuki let out a sigh of relief.
“(Thank God)Dieu merci.”
“(Why?)Pourquoi?”
“(Stop messing around)Arrête de déconner.”
“(But I seriously don’t understand…)Mais je ne comprends sérieusement pas…”
“(Wait? Naruto?! You mean the Naruto?)Attendez? Naruto ?! Tu veux dire le Naruto?”
“(Yeah?)Ouais?”
“(Jesus, you can’t be talking with him!)Jésus, tu ne peux pas lui parler!”
“(Why?)Pourquoi?
“(Because you’ll lose all your friends. Those boys? They’re losers, loners, lovers. But that’s good for them because they’re men, it’ll make them stronger, soft little flowers like you will only get sick and lose value with each passing day. Don’t you have Ino?)Parce que vous perdrez tous vos amis. Ces garçons? Ce sont des perdants, des solitaires, des amoureux. Mais c’est bien pour eux parce que ce sont des hommes, cela les rendra plus forts, de petites fleurs douces comme si vous ne feriez que tomber malade et perdre de la valeur chaque jour qui passe. Tu n'as pas Ino ?”
“(We fell out) Nous nous sommes brouillés.
“(She’s a normal girl, she’ll keep you on the right track)C'est une fille normale, elle te gardera sur la bonne voie.”
“(Normal?)Normale?”
“(Boy crazy, like girls your age should be)Garçon fou, comme les filles de ton âge devraient l'être.”
“(I am boy crazy mom, I have a crush on Sasuke)Je suis une maman folle de garçons, j'ai le béguin pour Sasuke.”
Mebuki sighed. Picking a gay guy for a crush was the biggest tell of them all and yet it seemed her little flower didn’t realize it. Or maybe she didn’t catch the lovers part.
“(Sakura, you are…different from the other girls. But that’s okay, we can fix it. You just need to focus on other boys, available boys)Sakura, tu es... différente des autres filles. Mais ce n'est pas grave, on peut arranger ça. Tu as juste besoin de te concentrer sur les autres garçons, les garçons disponibles.”
“(Like who?)Comme qui?”
“(There’s this one boy who has a crush on you. He should be out training right now)Il y a ce garçon qui a le béguin pour toi. Il devrait être en train de s'entraîner en ce moment.” They left the house to go find that weird little Chinese boy.
…
“Sakura, this is Rock Lee,” said Mebuki.
“Your first name is Rock?” asked Sakura.
“Yes, mademoiselle but you can call me Lee.”
“If you don’t mind me asking why are you called that?” asked Mebuki.
“My parents were neighboring farmers. One day my mom got drunk and broke inside my dad’s room. Apparently she kept stroking him until he was ‘Rock Hard’ and since they both shared the same last name I got Lee.”
“So I was right,” said Mebuki. “You are an inceste bébé.”
“Wait, what-,” started Sakura.
“Lee,” said Guy. “Didn’t I tell you not to tell that story to strangers?”
“She asked sir.”
“And don’t call me sir, people already think I’m molesting you.” He patted Lee on the head.
“Sorry about that. Lee’s childhood isn’t something we mention, ever.” Two kids came out from the bushes. One was a girl with cute pigtails, brown eyes and a pink outfit. Sakura found herself immediately drawn towards this girl.
And the other girl was ugly as fuck. Long black hair and white eyes. Looked like that shy girl that was in her class back in academy. Hinata? That was her name right?
“Who are these people?” It’s a dude?! This ‘guy’ spoke with a light German accent.
“We’re Lee’s suitors,” said Sakura's mom. She just had to put in the we.
The pretty girl coughed. “You’re Lee’s what?! Did his parents send you?!”
“(Damn his motherfucking parents! They're always doing this! And they don't even spend any time with him!) Verdammt, seine verdammten Eltern! Das machen sie immer! Und sie verbringen nicht einmal Zeit mit ihm!”
“What?!” exclaimed Mebuki.
“Is that German?” asked Sakura. “I thought you were Chinese?”
“Both,” said the guy.
“So what did you say?” asked Sakura’s mom.
“Oh, just forget about it.”
“Introduce yourselves,” said Gai.
“Hyuga Neji,” said the ugly dude. “I’m a genius and I’m going to beat that Japanese kid into a pulp!”
“You mean Sasuke?” asked Sakura.
“Yeah.”
“I would like to do that as well,” said Lee.
Neji grumbled and started cursing in German again. (Motherfucking copycat! You always say you want to do the same thing as me right after I say it, get a fucking personality!) Verdammter Nachahmer! Du sagst immer, dass du das Gleiche tun willst wie ich, direkt nachdem ich es gesagt habe: eine verdammte Persönlichkeit bekommen!”
“(No that is wrong! I have wanted to beat Sasuke since last September, you have wanted to beat him since last January you cunt!) 不，這是錯誤的！ 我由舊年九月開始就想打佐助，你由舊年一月開始就想打佢，你呢個屄!”
Guy looked taken aback at whatever these two were saying.
“Boys, think about what your non-existent mothers would say!”
Neji grumbled again. “Sir-.”
“But mine is not dead!” argued Lee. Guy let out another hearty laugh and then his face darkened.
“I meant in your life Lee,” said Guy.
“Anyway,” said the pretty girl. “I’m Tenten Shùxué.”
Sakura was taken aback.
“Tenten?”
“Yeah, I’m the eldest of ten siblings.”
“What are their names?” asked Mebuki, concerned.
“Oneone, Twotwo, Threethree, Fourfour, Fivefive, Sixsix, Sevenseven, Eighteight, Ninenine and then there’s me!” She pointed both fingers at herself.
“You’re joking,” said Sakura.
“Nope.”
“Why the second number?” asked Mebuki. “Why not just ten?”
“The nurse in charge wouldn’t allow it, said she would report them for child abuse.”
“I feel like she should have anyway,” said Mebuki.
Sakura walked a little closer to Tenten. “So, why are all of you out here so late? It’s almost midnight.”
“My dad wanted to go on a date and just abandoned me with my siblings so I put them to bed and I won’t be coming back until well into the afternoon so he has to deal with them.”
“Oh…god,” said Sakura.
“My father just died,” said Guy. “And the bar closed down.”
“My dad just kicked me out of the house and told me if I don’t come back with a girlfriend he’s disowning me,” said Lee. Once he saw the look of concern on everyone's face he quickly added, “But it’s fine! He tells me this every Friday!”
“And you?” asked Mebuki worriedly.
“I ran away. I’d rather not talk about it.”
“Poor boy,” said Mebuki. Neji scowled slightly. “Anyway, I’m here to ask if Lee here will accept the gift that is dating my little flower.”
“Little flower?” said Neji.
“It’s giving groomer vibes,” whispered Tenten.
“Of course madam,” said Lee. He grabbed Sakura's hand and kissed it. Sakura felt nothing and simply stared blankly at Lee.
“And now they’re doing an arranged marriage,” muttered Neji.
“Isn’t she just a year younger than us?” asked Tenten.
They headed back home.
…
Sakura sat alone in her room. She began to pick at her skin. The packet of noodles her mother bought just laid on the side of her bed. Since her father worked in business they had never had a family meal together.
She began to think of her new boyfriend. I feel so bad for him. Maybe I should just accept that Sasuke doesn’t like me. Dating Lee can’t be that bad.
…
There was a knock at the door in the morning. Sakura headed down and answered it.
“Yes, hello?” She paused when she saw who it was. “Rock Hard-I-I mean Lee!”
“Hello my love.” He showed the hand he was hiding behind his back and revealed sakura flowers.
“Oh thank you,” said Sakura. “I’ve never gotten flowers before-Ahh!” Standing at the doorway was Kakashi sensei. Lee turned around and screamed as well, falling straight on his ass before getting back up again.
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll protect you from this pervert!”
“Lee, Guy sensei said he’s moving to the sand village.”
“What!?” Lee ran off without a word.
Kakashi let out a chuckle. “Daddy issues, works every damn time.”
“Um, what are you doing here?”
“You passed. I can’t believe you didn’t even check up on me.”
“No offense but we really don’t like you.”
“Well too bad because you’re stuck with me for the rest of your ninja career. But don’t worry. You might die young.” Kakashi’s eyes zoned out for three straight minutes before coming back. “To some, death is a gift. Not if it happens but when.”
“Um, okay.”
“Now let’s find Naruto and Sasuke.”
They headed over to Naruto’s apartment complex and Sakura could smell the stench coming down from the stairwell they had yet to climb.
She pinched her nose. “What is that?!”
“If I had to guess it’s Naruto’s apartment,” said Kakashi. “It’s probably spoiled milk.” It seemed like Kakashi was looking for something as he gazed around the place. He stopped when he found a nice big rock.
“Sir, what are you going to do with that?”
“What do you think?” He chucked it at one of the doors.
Suddenly the door opened and Naruto came out. He stretched out his back and used his right hand to wipe off the milk on his lips. The stench got even worse and the complaints of his neighbors could be heard. “Okay you motherfucker you better be prepared for me-.”
“Oh god!” exclaimed Sakura as she pinched her nose. “What the fuck is that?!”
Naruto seemed to notice them. “Sakura? And…Holy shit! Y-y-your back! I-I thought you died!”
“Nope, now come on! Let’s go find Sasuke.”
They headed over to Sasuke house.
Sasuke's house was the Uchiha house. It was a pretty place and looked clean. Kakashi knocked on the door. Nothing happened. He knocked again. Nothing happened. At this point it had been fifteen minutes of pure, uninterrupted waiting. “Well I guess I have to break in-.” The door swung open. Kakashi jumped back in shock and managed to land safely in a crouch position. Sasuke stood at the door with his left foot raised. He slowly put it down. He was wearing a baggy black shirt that said in pure white letters: Stop gatekeeping goth culture!!! All in front of a middle finger. His eyes had huge black eyeliner and his lips had a bunch of clip-on piercings. Both of his wrists had spiky bracelets. He had dyed the tips of his hair navy blue. His pants were just black baggy pants that had been cut a million times.
“So after years of being called an emo, you finally decided to give in?” asked Naruto.
“I’m a goth, loser.”
“Well good for you,” said Kakashi. Sasuke finally glanced at the man's direction.
“Are you real?”
“I’d like to think I am?”
Sasuke sighed. “Still attracted to me now, Sakura?”
“Actually I have a boyfriend.” All three guys looked like if they had any water in their mouths they would’ve spit it out.
“That’s a joke right?” asked Naruto who looked like he was holding back laughter. “A five like you couldn’t possibly…” Sakura glared at him and he shut up.
“Did you mean girlfriend?” asked Sasuke. “Cause you can date a girl, you know.”
“No, I mean boyfriend.” She put emphasis on the boy.
“Who?”
“Rock Lee?”
“You mean that in-Cantonese boy?” Sasuke stuttered.
“Yeah.”
“You mean aspergers guy?” said Naruto. “Isn’t he a incest baby? How are you supposed to have kids together if he’s a incest baby?”
“Why do you assume we’re going to have kids?”
“That’s what women are supposed to do,” said Sasuke. “You get married and have kids. The minimum is three per year in my family.”
“Per year!?” exclaimed Sakura. “How does that work out?!”
“Incest,” answered Sasuke casually.
“What?”
“Incest,” he repeated.
“How do you think they keep that red eye shit in the damn family!?” exclaimed Naruto.
Sakura suddenly felt lightheaded. She took a couple of steps back and fell on her ass. Her entire world went out in a second.
…
They had taken her inside of Sasuke's house. Kakashi felt bad for the girl. She was too unprepared to be a shinobi. She had the skill but she couldn’t handle the situations they were going to find themselves in. The kid would either become a Sasuke or one of many nameless extras that died during missions. Well that would be an insult to him…
He pushed the half crushed, dying body of that boy out of his mind. He didn’t need another daymare.
The reason he was so worried was that female ninja were the most likely to die or get raped so Sakura had a even harder future ahead of her than these two boys. There was a knock at the door.
“I’ll get it.” Naruto opened it. Kakashi didn’t even turn to look until he heard that annoying voice. Lee spoke with a normal accent at this point but at the beginning he sounded so Chinese no one could understand a damn word out of that kid’s mouth. They would just nod along and pretend to understand. Not even the other Chinese kids, who mostly spoke Mandarin, came even close to deciphering the words of a six year old Rock Lee.
“Kakashi!” he shouted. Lee didn’t yell or scream, just shouted firmly. “Guy sensei said that he was never planning to move to the sand village!”
“Ah, yes. Did I say Guy? I meant one of the other teachers.”
“Ah I see-Sakura?!” Is he gonna storm into the house-he already did. Gah!
Lee was at Sakura's side in an instant. “It’s okay my little flower.”
“Do. Not. Start. Using. That,” said Neji.
“You brought the whole gang? Great,” he sighed. “Is Guy here too?”
“Unfortunately, he caught the stomach virus so we’re pretty much free,” said that German genius. The girl with the number name and Neji walked in.
“Is she gonna be alright?” asked number girl-Tenten.
“Yeah, she passed out from shock,” said Sasuke.
“Why?”
“Trust me.” Naruto closed the door. “You don’t want to know.”
“Do you want to fight?” asked Neji.
“What?” asked Sasuke.
“Do you want to fight?”
“No. Why would I do that?”
“To test our strength.” Suddenly Sasuke’s eyes got very distant. “Okay then,” Neji shrugged. Neji left to go to the bathroom. Naruto just sighed and watched Sasuke. Muttering what seemed to be numbers under his breath.
…
Sasuke was seven when it happened. He had been rushing home from pr-training when he felt a presence. This presence was familiar but also new. It seemed to switch between the two as if in conflict with itself. What the… What is this feeling? He looked up at the moon where he could’ve sworn there was a shadow there just a moment ago. He then looked down at the road in front of him.
“What? What-What is this?!” What the hell is going on!? Sasuke did what any child would do in a situation like that. He raced to find his parents. He went to their room.
“Sasuke…,” cried his mother. “Don’t come in…”
“Father! Mother!” What the hell is going on!?
Sasuke opened the door
…
Blood. Blood. Blood blood blood blood blood blood bloodbloodbloodBLOOD!
…
“Father! Mother!”
…
Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!? Why!?
…
“Brother. They’re dead. Father and mother are dead!” Your eyes look dead.
…
Ouch! The door closed. So did your eyes.
…
“Foolish little brother.” You took a breath.
…
Eyes open. Red.
…
I screamed.
…
Red.
…
“As I expected, you are my child!”
…
Red.
…
“When he talks to me it’s only about you…your father.”
…
Red.
…
We are unique brothers. Forgive me Sasuke…another time.
…
Brown.
…
My body is on the ground.
…
“Why…did you…?”
…
“To test my strength.”
…
“That’s it? That’s it!? You did all of this…for that stupid freaking reason?!”
…
You sighed. “You haven’t even learned swear words yet. One day you will and one day they’ll be directed at me. But yes, it was essential.”
…
“What’s…that…complete crap!!!”
…
I’m off the floor now.
…
Scared…Scared!!
…
We’re outside now. You stood in front but not away from me.
…
“You can’t be my brother. Yes…because…”
…
“The brother you wanted to spend time with has done this to ascertain your “capacity”.
…
What!?
…
“I continued acting like the elder brother you desired, and I became your companion to see if that potential lies hidden. You found me disagreeable and hated me. You continued wanting to surpass me, because of that, I will let you live…
…
“For my sake.”
…
“You can awaken the Mangekyou Sharigan like me. But there is a requirement.”
…
“You must kill your closest friend.”
…
“Ouch!” Sasuke gripped his head. Naruto was standing over him. He had slapped him in the back. It wasn’t hard and yet it hurt quite a bit. “I told you not to help me until three minutes had passed.”
“It’s been fourteen you fuck!” Really? How long was I there? It felt like…it felt like…like…nothing.
Sasuke sighed. “I know I have a problem but do you really have to point it out to me all the damn time?”
“Yeah, I do. Because you won’t get help.”
“Maybe I don’t want to get help and it’s not exactly like you have any right to judge me.”
Naruto pointed at himself. “Name one thing I’ve done that’s worse than…” He stopped when he remembered Kakashi was in the room. He was reading his porn book and sitting in a rocking chair. Sasuke was thankful for that as there was nothing Naruto might’ve said that wouldn’t embarrass him deeply. “You know.”
“Pissing on a kid.” Kakashi made a startled cough and turned the page of his book. When he thought they weren’t looking he turned it back. So much for looking nonchalant.
“That wasn’t that bad,” Naruto whispered.
“Yeah?” Sasuke whispered back. “Let’s talk about how you learned how to do shadow clones…” Kakashi got up and left. Sasuke now talked at full volume. “Did you really suck someone for knowledge?”
“No, I sucked him for food.”
“What?”
“Ichiraku got closed that night and Iruka-sensei went off on some date. I was all alone again. So I went to the hot springs because I was bored and this guy was there. He told me ‘You look hungry. I have food.’
So I was like, ‘What do I have to get this food?’
And he said, ‘Not much. Just suck my dick.’ So I did and when I was done he told me that was the food and started laughing his ass off. So I bit his dick. I was going to beat the shit out of him but then he told me if I didn’t kill him he’d teach me a forbidden technique. And at first I didn’t believe him, but then he made seventeen shadow clones so I gave him a chance.”
“That was an interesting story,” said Tenten. “I never want to hear it again, but interesting.”
“Gah! You heard all that woman?!” exclaimed Naruto.
“Why does it matter if I’m a woman or not?”
“Why?” asked Naruto. “Because females wouldn’t understand our manly conversation.”
“Yeah,” said Sasuke sarcastically. “Because dick sucking is so manly. It requires double the man, you know.”
“Yeah, now that I think about it. It does, doesn't it? Lack of man equals more manliness. Hey Sasuke, maybe we should make out. You know…in a totally necessary and not gay way.”
“Why?” Sasuke could feel the blush showing on his cheeks.
“To become more manly?”
“What do you mean by that?”
“I don’t know, like for practice? Shits and giggles? I feel like if I do this something is going to change-.”
“You are not doing this in front of me,” said Tenten. She took her seat at where Kakashi used to be. It made Sasuke even more embarrassed and happy to realize people thought he would actually do this.
“No Naruto. I don’t want to make out with you.” While Sasuke hated his brother, one thing the guy knew how to do was get laid. He had to appear cold and distant at all times, but close at the same time. He groomed himself obsessively, even waking-no, getting up in the middle of the night to take care of himself. Looking like he took care of himself was more important to him than actually doing it. Brushing his hair was easier than sleeping. Clipping his nails was more fun than eating three meals a day. Taking a bath was more comfortable than going to therapy.
“Oh, okay then. Hey, what were you going to say back there?”
“Back where?”
“When everyone thought you were about to die.”
“Be more specific.”
“I love…And then you never finished the sentence.”
Sasuke had his suspicions since Naruto said ‘back there.’ He knew this moment would come as it was simply inevitable. Naruto wasn’t as dumb as most people would like to believe. He actually noticed quite a lot. So Sasuke had prepared an answer a while ago but he’d still like to avoid this subject as much as possible.
“I love my family,” said Sasuke. “I know I don’t really bring them up, but I do. A lot really. I just wanted someone to know that before I died.”
“Aww, that’s so sweet,” said Tenten. She had tears in her eyes.
“Well I never thought you hated them, but that’s so nice that those were your last words. Mine would’ve been…I love y-…um, ramen.”
“Seriously, do you love ramen more than you care about me?” He made sure to use care and not love as to now imply anything or make things awkward.
“Yeah, I do. Sorry buddy. Maybe if you made me free ramen whenever I wanted, that could change.”
Sasuke rolled his eyes. “Of course that would be your answer.” I can barely make food for myself, but I’ll try. Itachi, goddamn you and your undeniable talent for flirting.
Sasuke rested his head on Naruto’s lap. He closed his eyes and fell asleep as Naruto stroked his hair.
…
Sakura woke up and standing before her was Tenten in nothing but a sweaty pink sports bra. She didn’t dare let her gaze drift below that.
“You’re up.”
“I, um, yeah I’m up!”
“Yeah, we can tell.”
“You’re Chinese right?”
“Yep. Almost everyone on this team is.”
“Almost?”
“Neji is…complicated.”
“Yeah.” She glanced around the room to check if that guy was anywhere nearby. Naruto was stroking Sasuke’s hair as he sat on his lap. She was taken aback with how peaceful the guy looked. She looked back at Tenten. “Tell me about it.”
“He’s so annoying, that’s probably what you think. But he’s like that because he’s suffered a lot. His grandmother is his mother and his father is her son.” Sakura nearly fainted again. And to think I used to wish I was a part of a cool, powerful clan when I was younger. I dodged a motherfucking bullet that’s for sure.
“Are you okay?” asked Tenten.
“Yeah. Totally.” That German guy walked out of the bathroom.
“Are you two gonna kiss?” he asked.
“What’s it to you?”
“I would like a warning. We have the decency to do that at my household.” He looked over at Sasuke. “Is he up, boy?”
“Don’t call me boy!” exclaimed Naruto.
“I’m a year older, I can and will call you whatever I want.” Naruto jumped up from his seat causing Sasuke’s head to fall down to the ground.
“Sasuke!” Sakura exclaimed. Sasuke jumped up and backed himself into a wall. His eyes looked manic. And for a second they looked red. Sakura wondered what the hell went on in that mind of his.
Naruto continued to scream at Neji. Neji just stared at him blankly and with dead eyes.
“Naruto cool off! Nija. I would like to fight you.” Neji scoffed at Sasuke getting his name wrong.
“Good. May I ask why the change in mood?”
“No, you may not.” The two headed outside.
…
Sasuke didn’t even realize he had been biting his lip until Neji pointed it out.
“I have no issues if you want to hurt yourself but I would feel concerned if you weren’t aw-.”
“I’m aware.”
“Jesus, your balls drop and your voice sounds like a twenty something year old and now you think you're hot shit! Well, those eyes certainly look like a twenty year old. You and Kakashi sensei should get along well.”
“Shut up! I don’t need your opinions on my mental health. You don’t know shit!”
“You’re right, I don’t. Just don’t kill yourself after I remind you of your place like that Shisuicide guy did, you emo.” This bastard! Sasuke charged at Neji. Sasuke smashed his spiky wrist against Neji's face. Neji just ducked. “Sorry it was Shisui right? Kind’ve ironic.” Now Sasuke used his fists to punch the bastard.
“Byakugan!” he yelled. Yeah, we get it man. Who shouts their next move anyway-Oh! Neji poked at Sasuke, each tap feeling like a knife was being stabbed into the goth’s skin. Sasuke didn’t even have time to scream. What…is…this? He knew the Hyuga’s kekkei genkai was superior to the Uchiha’s, but this? This was something else. Like it wasn’t even human. Sasuke landed on the ground on his back with a loud thump. “You’re right, you can’t gatekeep the culture of the mentally ill, nor should you. But I suggest taking it slow before you go full on goth.” Sasuke just laid there. He didn’t pass out or anything. He just couldn’t move. Neji left.
…
The sun is hurting my eyes.
…
What did that bastard do to me?
…
“Sasuke!”
…
Naruto. You look even prettier at this angle. The way your hair frames your face. Those pretty blue eyes. I used to think they were ugly. You beautiful boy. If you had been born into a rich family and had been well groomed you would’ve looked so attractive…but I’m happy with what I have now.
…
Getting picked up feels weird. But the bed is comfortable. Wait? Is he kissing my cheek?
…
Holy shit! I kissed him! I actually kissed him!
Sasuke had turned in Naruto’s direction without much thought, he simply wanted to see what was going on and what was going on was that the second he turned, Naruto’s lips met his own. A couple of seconds had passed off them being like this and complete and utter silence was the only sound in the room. Neither of them had moved. Sasuke opened his mouth and gently pushed his tongue into Naruto’s lips. They tasted like ramen and…spoiled milk? Naruto opened up his mouth and let Sasuke’s tongue in. Sasuke touched everything with that tongue. Licking the insides of Naruto’s mouth. It tasted even more like ramen. Sasuke was in bliss every second. Naruto seemed startled but also happy.
“What the hell am I watching?” said a voice that probably belonged to that autistic guy. The two immediately pulled apart. Standing at the doorway was Tenten, Sakura, Neji, and Lee.
“It’s for our masculinity!” exclaimed Naruto. “It’s not something you girls could ever understand!”
Lee raised his hand. “I am a guy and I still do not understand what this has to do with masculinity.”
“Maybe you should try it and maybe then you’ll understand!”
“Hey Neji-.”
“No! Go do that to Gai-sensei.”
“Get out of my house already!” yelled Sasuke. He was sick of seeing that guy's face.
“Gladly. Come guys, let’s go.” Team Gai left the house leaving Sakura.
“Kakashi-sensei left a while ago…What? Why do you keep looking at me like that? You think I didn’t know before? It was so obvious. The way you two are obsessed with each other. And besides, I have a boyfriend now and he treats me waaay better than Sasuke could.”
“Didn’t he just try to make out with-.”
“I know what he did! Everyone gets a little lost here and there, and he’s like thirteen, and there’s nothing wrong with a little experimentation, but in the end he is mine.”
“That sounds creepy,” said Sasuke.
“Whatever. Make sure to not get AIDS or HIV or whatever.” Sakura skipped out of the house and closed the door.
Naruto turned his gaze to Sasuke and only him. “Now that that’s over do you wanna talk about…us?”
“For the first time in my life I’m actually sleepy so I’m going to listen to my body for once. Didn’t get a lot of rest from that power nap.”
“Oh, okay then, see ya.” As Naruto got up Sasuke grabbed his hand and held it. Naruto turned back to a smirk on Sasuke’s face.
“I think I’ll sleep a little better with you by my side.”

Chapter Text

Sasuke sat up from the bed, he rubbed his tired eyes and realised that he was alone. He got up and walked to the bathroom. He turned the handle but it was locked.
“Naruto? Are you in there?”
“Yeah, I’m doing fine. Just needed to take a huge dump!”
“Fine. Come out soon, my bladder hurts.”
Silence passed.
“Naruto?”
“Ye-yeah, I’ll do that babe.”
“Don’t call me that. I hate it. Just stick to emo boy. You used to call me that when we were kids, yeah?”
“Okay.” Sasuke went back to bed and waited another thirty minutes, before getting up again. This time he pounded on the door.
“Naruto! Come on! I really can’t hold it!” The door swung open. Naruto’s hair and clothes were wet and he had bandages wrapped all around him. But the worst offender was a left purple eye. It had ruined the beauty of Naruto’s face. “What, the fu-.”
“Emo, j-just drop it.”
“How could I j-.” Naruto turned to him fiercely.
“You said you needed the bathroom now go!”
Sasuke went inside the bathroom. When he started to wash his hands, ‘HIM’ appeared.
“What happened?” asked Sasuke.
“To Naruto? Oh, yeah. Bitch you don’t even want to know.”
“Tell me.”
“I really don’t think you wanna hear this on the day of your first mission as a ninja.”
“Tell me,” he said more sternly.
“Fine. You did that.”
“What? But I had no nightmares!”
“It wasn’t a nightmare. I think his hand brushed your thigh in his sleep and well…You know.”
“But why?”
“I don’t know, but don’t let it distract you from your duties as a ninja, you need to kill your brother.”
“Sasuke,” asked Naruto, his voice muffled by the bathroom door. “Are we gonna go or not?”
“I think maybe therapy might be able to help you,” said ‘HIM’. “Those are my thoughts ‘bout it.”
“Thank you. For the first time in my life I’m actually considering that.”
“Sasuke?” called Naruto again. Sasuke opened the door.
“Come on, let’s go.”
…
“What is the distance to the target?” asked Kakashi into the mic.
“Five meters,” said Naruto. “I’m ready anytime!” Really? Because you didn’t seem ready when you came here. Kakashi had no idea what the hell had happened last night as he had to leave early for a hot date. It had ended up going well, so he was in a pretty good mood as of late. Which made his students unhappy moods even more obvious. Naruto looked beaten up, Sakura looked uncomfortable looking at the two boys and Sasuke looked out of it. This was normal for him, but it was usually accompanied by tiredness. He looked awake, just distracted.
“Did you say something?” asked Sasuke.
“Are you ready?”
“Yes.”
“So am I?” said Sakura.
“Ok, if you say so…Go!”
…
They had captured the cat.
“Ribbon on left ear, are you sure th-”
“Naruto! Stop manhandling the cat! You hold it like this!” Sasuke chided. He seems to like cats. A few moments later, the boy came back on. “Yes,” said Sasuke. “We’re sure.” A purr could be heard.
…
Madam Shijimi stra-hugged her feline. Rubbing her cheek against Tora. It looked like it bothered Sasuke quite a lot.
“Haha! In your face you stupid cat!” exclaimed Naruto.
“No wonder it ran away,” said Sakura.
The third Hokage just sighed.
“Now…” The man coughed and wheezed heavily. “Somebody! Get me my medication!” One of his assistants came into the room with a blue tray full of numerous pills. The third snatched one and gobbled up the pills. “As I was saying,” he continued like nothing had happened. “Team…seventeen, your next duty is…Hmmm, babysitting an elder’s grandson, shopping in the neighboring village, and helping with the potato digging.”
“No! No! No! No, thank you! I want to do something cooler! Get us a better mission!” He’s still energetic even while being injured. I wonder if he’s used to it.
“I agree,” said Sasuke.
“Geez, how annoying!” grumbled Sakura.
Kakashi simply sighed. “I thought it was about time for this.”
“You idiot!” yelled Iruka. “You are just a rookie. Everyone starts off with the simple duties and works their way up!!!” The Third Hokage simply sighed in disappointment.
“But!! We keep getting the crappiest duties!!!”
Kakashi had to bonk him on the head.
“Be quiet you!”
“Naruto! It seems I have to explain to you what these duties are all about,” said the Third Hokage. Oh, finally decided to do something for the kid? “Listen, everyday the village receives numerous requests, from babysitting to assassination. Each request is written down on these lists, and divided into an A, B, C, D ranking based on difficulty. The village is also divided based on skill. Starting with me to Jou, Chuu, and Ge-nins…” The man went on some boring exposition. Kakashi could already feel himself dozing off.
“Hey Sasuke, do you wanna hear what I ate last night?” asked Naruto.
Sasuke looked startled for a moment, almost scared really, before saying, “Sure.”
“So I realized that teriyaki sauce isn’t as good as I thought. It looks so good you’d think it taste better or something but it just ends up bland as fuck.” Kakashi ended up listening to this conversation to try and keep himself awake.
“Yeah, those don’t usually taste good.”
“So I ended up eating pork ramen so miso sounds good for-.”
“Hey!” yelled the Third Hokage. “Listen!” Kakashi rubbed the back of his head as he tried to look apologetic. I don’t get why I have to listen to this, I already know this stuff.
“Geez! All you do is give lectures like that. But you know what?!! I’m not the trouble making brat you still I am!”
You couldn’t have possibly had that much character development in a couple of days. And I'm sooo going to get yelled at for this.
Iruka looked startled but then his face turned into a grin. The Third Hokage grinned as well. The hell?
“Okay, since you want it so badly, I’ll give you a C-rank mission. It’s a protection mission of a certain individual.”
“Yay!” said Naruto who was now sitting on the ground. Jesus, does that kid ever stay still? Suddenly he got up and started to hound the Third Hokage with questions. “Who!? Who!? A feudal lord!? A princess!?”
“Calm down child, I’m about to introduce the guy. Hey, will you come in here?” The door opened and the smell of alcohol engulfed the room.
“What’s this?” said an old male voice with a land of the waves accent. Kakashi turned to find an old man with a bottle in hand. The guy looked at the kids as thoroughly as he could with his foggy glasses. “They’re all a bunch of super brats. Especially the shortest one with the super stupid looking face. Are you really a ninja? Hey?!!”
Naruto burst out laughing. “Haha! Who's the shortest one with the stupid face?!” He looked between Sakura and Sasuke.
Sasuke sighed. “Naruto, I’m five feet.”
“And I’m four, eleven,” said Sakura.
“And I’m four, nine,” Naruto said with horror in his voice. Naruto just stood there for a moment…before charging at the drunk man. “I’ll kill you!!!!” he cried.
“Now Naruto,” chided Kakashi. “First of all you’re supposed to protect this guy so killing him would be out of the question and second of all running up to tall drunk men is not a good idea unless you want to get molested.”
“Yeah nah,” said the old guy. “I’m not touching that brat even if you paid me a million bucks, now the two girls over there on the other hand…”
“I’m a guy,” said Sasuke. The man adjusted his glasses and focused his gaze on Sasuke’s chest. He looked Sasuke up and down multiple times. Making sure to stop at his crotch every chance he could.
“Close enough.” Sasuke looked taken aback. The man cleared his throat. “Anyway, I am the super expert bridge builder Tazuna. I expect you to provide me with super protection until I get back to my country and complete the bridge.”
“The only thing you need protection from is alcohol!” exclaimed Sakura as she pinched her nose.
“Aw shut it sweetie. Once you get a taste of this stuff you’ll be changing your stance soon. Same with my dick, that goes for you too emo boy.”
“Oi!” exclaimed Naruto. “Don’t call him that! Only I get to do that! Ya hear!?”
“God, I’ll stop hitting on your little boyfriend alright!” Naruto went silent with a deep flush on his face. Sasuke just sighed.
“I’m not his boyfriend,” he muttered.
“What kid?”
“I’m not his boyfriend!!!” Sasuke yelled so loud even the Third Hokage stared at him with interest and full attention, which was something that even his wife struggled to get, even when she was naked. Kakashi knew this because he had walked in on this sad display once.
“You don’t have to keep parading it in front of my face!” yelled Sakura, before quickly looked down at her shoes and kept her gaze glued on them. Her cheeks were a deep red. “N-not that I care or anything, you know! I’m just mildly homophobic.”
“You mean internalized?” asked Naruto.
“What?”
“Enough.” Kakashi decided that if he didn’t stop this now, these three would have no problem embarrassing themselves in front of the Third Hokage. They left the village, Naruto having to be carried bridal style by Kakashi so he wouldn’t attack Tazuna.
…
“Let’s go!” exclaimed Naruto after Kakashi put him down.
“What are you so excited ‘bout?” slurred the man.
“Cause, I’ve never left the village before man.”
“Man, huh? Where I’m from we use bro.” He turned to Kakashi.
“Bro, am I really gonna be safe with this brat?” Kakashi chuckled.
“Well I am a Jounin, don’t worry.” And these kids are menaces. I'm even a little scared of them.
Naruto crossed his arms and scowled at the old man.
“Hey, old man! Don’t mess with ninjas! I’m incredible! One day I’m becoming Hokage, my name is Uzumaki Naruto, remember it!”
“Hokage is the village's number one ninja, right? I really doubt someone like you could become someone like that.”
“Shut the fuck up! I’m fucking prepared to do anything to become Hokage! Once I become Hokage you will fucking acknowledge me!!!”
Tazuna simply shoved the tip of his bottle into Naruto’s mouth. “There, that’s an indirect kiss. You probably don’t get a lot of those.”
“I’ll have you kno-.”
“Enough!” ordered Sasuke, his face was filled with stress. Naruto grumbled in response. Seriously, what the fuck is going on with these guys?!
“You don’t get to tell me what to do! Neither of you get to tell me what to do!” Naruto snatched the bottle and drank the entire thing in one gulp. It was so fast, not even Kakashi could stop him.
“What have you fucking done!?” Sasuke snatched the bottle out of Naruto’s hand. “This is so bad for your health! And illegal-and bad-and shit! Why…I!” He stammered on his words. Naruto looked startled at Sasuke's care and Sasuke losing his normally stoic composure over that. Kakashi remembered someone he used to know like that, he was a Uchiha as well. More White looking though so he wasn’t really respected as much. Or at all. No one thought he would ever get the sharingan, but they lied to him anyway. Oh, how wrong they were.
“Like I care.” Tazuna pulled out another bottle and began to drink once again.
“Naruto, are you okay?” asked Kakashi. He knew all too well the effects of drinking at this age. Hopefully Naruto wouldn’t end up as a another Rock Lee. Kakashi still remembered the last time that kid took a drink of sake. He had thought it was water. That had ended up in multiple apologies and a lot of debt for Gai and Kakashi.
“Yeah, I’m fine.” The boy looked like he was going to fall over any second. Sasuke grabbed Naruto and helped him walk.
…
“Hey Tazuna-san?” asked Sakura.
“What? Finally want to suck my dick?!”
“Uh, no. You’re from the Wave country, yeah?”
“What ‘bout it,” he groaned. Sakura sighed and went over to Kakashi sensei.
“Umm, Kakashi sensei? Do they have ninjas in that country too?”
“No, not the wave country. But in most other countries…the culture and customs may differ, but hidden villages exist, and so do ninjas.”
Kakashi went on a long explanation of ninja rankings.
“Wow! Hokage-Sama is the best!” Well, we’ve got ourselves a good liar don’t we? Kakashi could always tell when someone was lying. He was a ninja after all.
“You guys doubted Hokage-Sama, didn’t you? But don’t worry, there won’t be any ninja combat in a c-rank mission.”
“Then, we won’t come in contact with foreign ninjas?”
“Of course not, hahaha!”
…
The day was spent calmly walking until dusk. That’s when they set up a campfire.
“Naruto,” whined Sasuke. They were sharing a tent with Sakura. “Are you still drunk?” Naruto nodded. He was laying down on the blue tent’s ground. Saliva drooled out his mouth.
“What the hell did you drink?!”
“Uh, I think it was beer,” he groaned.
“God, hold on. I’ll be back.” Sasuke left the tent. The old guy was about to enter his. “Hey bro.” He made sure the aggression was clear in his voice. “What the hell do you drink?”
“Bourbon whiskey.”
“How bad is it?”
“Haven’t tried every single damn drink in the world you know?! But it’s considered to be pretty bad if you know what I mean.”
“How do you get over it?!”
“How the fuck am I ‘posed to know?! Do you have any idea how much time I spend making sure I don’t get a hangover.” He took another sip. Sasuke snatched the bottle and was about to break it before realizing that would cause sharp objects to fly all over the place…and then he realized he didn’t give a fuck if he hurt himself so he smashed it anyway. Tazuna laughed. “Nice try, but I’ve still got plenty more where that came from!” The guy went inside his tent. Sasuke sighed and went over to the water well. He pulled up a bucket of water and brought it to the tent.
“Naruto, here. It’s water.”
“Don’t want it!”
“Fine, suffer for all I care!”
“You don’t care,” complained Naruto.
“What?”
“You don’t care, you kicked me in my sleep.”
“I’m sorry but I didn’t do it on purpose. If I had had control of myself I wouldn’t have done that.”
“No, youdon’tcareaboutyourself,” he slurred. I know you care about me, but you don’t care enough about yourself to get better. I don’t want to be in a relationship with you anymore until you can learn to love yourself.”
“I care about myself! I didn’t kill myself that night!”
“There are literal shards of glass impaled in your legs and you haven’t looked down once!”
The fly sheet opened and Sakura walked in. Sasuke was sure that she had overheard their little argument. She took a sip of water from the bucket.
“Jesus! The hell is this?”
“Water?” said Sasuke.
“Ugh! Well I’m too thirsty and tired to go out. And I’m afraid that guy is going to hit on me.”
“Can I have that?” Sasuke, feeling thirsty, took a sip of the water. It tasted quite weird.
“Holy shit, you’re right! God, should we be drinking this?!”
“Maybe you should get a refill.”
“Maybe the water got mixed in with mud?”
“But it’s yellow?”
“Pee then?”
“Of whose?”
“That drunk guy obviously.”
“Well just throw it out!” Sasuke emptied the bucket onto the tent ground. He couldn’t feel his arms.
“I meant outside!”
“I was trying to, but my arm went limp.”
“Woah, that’s weird. Should we get Kakashi-sensei?”
That was the last thing Sasuke remembered with clarity.
…
Sakura’s naked in front of me.
…
Nipples in my mouth are really nice.
…
Now her tongue is in my mouth.
…
Or is that Naruto’s?
…
No, it’s hers.
…
Oh, now it’s his.
…
His hands are down my pants.
…
This is nice.

Chapter Text

The morning Sasuke woke up, he found himself completely naked. He looked around sleepily. Sakura was naked too and Naruto was just shirtless. We really did it huh? Who's that guy standing over me? It better not be that old dude.
Sasuke got a clearer look. It was ‘HIM’.
“I never thought your first consensual time would be a threesome but you go man.”
“Yeah, I had a threesome.” His head pounded. The implications of those words hadn’t set in on his preteen mind. Right now, the only thing he thought of it was: I got railed and I didn’t even remember it? The fuck universe?
Sasuke put on his clothes and yawned. He found Sakura’s clothes and threw them onto her which woke her up. He then threw clothes at Naruto. For the first time in his life he was happy to cover Naruto up as he didn’t want to see the damage he caused to the boy.
“Ah-!” Sasuke put his hand on Sakura’s mouth.
“Shh! We forget about this okay?”
Sakura and Naruto got dressed and they left the tent.
“Why you three look horrible!” said Kakashi. Sasuke could tell by the look in his eyes he was drunk out of his mind.
“They look fine to me!” exclaimed Tazuna. “They look even better than I was at their age!”
“What do you mean by that?” asked Sasuke.
“When I was drunk, I looked far worse than you do now. But then again, I was nine when I started drinking.” Sasuke began to wonder what he looked like right now.
“Anyway, let’s keep going!” said Kakashi. They took down the tents and continued to head to the Land of Waves.
…
Kakashi had heard all the sounds those three made last night but he wasn’t planning on saying anything. What those three did in their free time wasn’t any of his business. He just hoped he wouldn’t have to deal with a pregnancy. If Sakura started vomiting, he was going to have to check on her.
They passed by a puddle. Kakashi noticed out of the corner of his eye the puddle had moved. As they walked he kept looking at it.
Something slowly started to rise from the puddle. Kakashi simply sighed as the creature rose. I’ll be polite and give him a chance.
Suddenly chains wrapped around Kakashi’s body. He sighed once again. The chains tightened and he exploded into a gory mess, which finally made Tazuna’s drunk ass and his three students finally wake up for a moment.
“Kyaa! Ka-Kakashi sensei!” exclaimed Naruto.
…
Naruto was shocked to say the least.
Kakashi sensei had simply disappeared before their very eyes. He thought he had seen it all but watching an actual human being get hurt, disturbed him. Which confused him. He was no angel. He had imagined and daydreamed of doing horrible things to the villagers of Konoha. Things that might’ve been worse than what Sasuke wanted to do to his broth…no, forget that, there was noooo way that was true.
But probably worse than what Sakura had done.
His bo-whatever they were, started to kick ass along with Sakura. Naruto simply watched on, not really paying attention. He thought about those thoughts, about that pain, the rage he felt before Sasuke and him had become friends was short lived but looking back on it now it terrified him that at six years old he was like that. Why was he like that? Why did he think those terrible things at such a young age?
He tried to distract his mind by looking at Sasuke’s butt. He had a nice butt that was being shown off as he had one foot on each enemy…but even that wasn’t enough.
Those thoughts weren’t something that could be ignored like that. Naruto had tried for most of his life but it seemed like Kakashi-sensei’s death was affecting him more than he thought. He thought about his six year old self's idea of violence. It all started with a dream, he had a bomb and was going to blow up the village. He had placed the bomb inside the mountain they had with the faces of the Hokages. Naruto pressed the bomb and the faces began to rumble. Soon the cracks begin to form. At first they were small but they grew larger and larger until eventually the four faces had shattered like glass.
The cracks spread to the village. People screamed, houses fell into the giant holes the cracks had made. The cracks came closer to him but he had no desire to run. Eventually they would catch up with him and he would die without screaming.
“Naruto? Naruto?! Narut-.”
“I’m up!” exclaimed Naruto.
“Naruto, I’m sorry I didn’t save you immediately. I got you injured. I didn’t think you would freeze like that,” said Kakashi-sensei.
“Kaka-.” Naruto stopped himself because he realized he didn’t care.
Naruto looked down at his body. There was a cut on his left knee that was bleeding. “Anyway, nice job Sasuke. And you too Sakura. You two are doing great.” What about me? He looked over at Sasuke in disbelief. It was his first real battle. Was he not scared at all? He looks as if nothing had happened. And he doesn’t even have a speck of dust on him…And I think he saved me?
“Hey!” yelled Sasuke. “Naruto, I’ve been talking to you for the past eight minutes!”
“Yeah, yeah! I’m here man.”
“You alright, Scaredy Cat?”
“You bitch!”
“Naruto! Sasuke! Save it for later! Their claws are soaked in poison. We have to remove it quickly! We must open the wound and release the poisoned blood from your body. Not your leg, that was Sakura by accident! And don’t move too much, the poison will spread.”
“Tazuna.”
“What is it man?”
They headed over to where the attackers were bounded to the trees by their own chains.
“These look like Hidden mist Chuunins…These shinobi are known to continue fighting no matter what.”
“How did you read out movement?” said one of them, amazed.
“On a sunny day like this where it hasn’t rained in days there’s not going to be a puddle in sight.”
“If you knew that…” asked Tazuna. “Why did you let the brats fight?”
“If I had wanted to kill these two I could’ve anytime I felt like it but…there was something I needed to figure out: Who these two were after?”
“Boy, explain yourself! It’s too fucking early for this shit. I’m drunk, you know!”
“Believe me, we know,” said Sakura.
“And you three!” grumbled Kakashi. “I can smell the alcohol on you kids from a mile away! You’re not in trouble but I’m going to be if the Hokage finds out.”
“My bet is that old guy croaks before we come back,” said Tazuna.
“Anyway, the question I was trying to answer was if they wanted to kill you or me. We haven’t heard that there were any shinobi after you. Our mission was simply to protect you from lowly thieves or gangs. This had become at least a b-rank mission. This was supposed to be simple protection until you completed the bridge.” The old man’s eyes looked down in shame.
“If it was known that ninja were after you this mission would have been set as a more expensive B-rank. I’m sure you had a reason, but it causes problems when you lie about the mission. We are now operating outside our duties.”
“We aren’t ready for this mission,” said Sakura. “Let’s just go back home and get Naruto to a doctor.”
“Yeah, I don’t think Naruto’s ever been to a doctor,” said Sasuke. “Might be good for him.”
“Hmm,” said Kakashi. “This might be too much. It is your first mission after all. No matter how savage you kids are, you are still children. I guess we should return to the village to treat Naruto.”
Naruto pulled out a kunai. He then stabbed his other hand. Everyone woke up out of their hangovers and or inebriation.
“Why is there so much of a difference?! Why am I always?! Damn it!”
“Naruto!” exclaimed Sakura. “What the fuck are you doing?!”
“Sasuke, don’t try to go get help for me when you’re the one who hurts me all the damn time! I’m not weak! You think because everyone ignored me and bullied me before you came along that I’m some helpless animal!? That you’re some type of guardian angel!? I don’t need your protection!”
“I wasn’t even thinking of that! You’re fucking bleeding Naruto! Of course I want you to get help!”
“Hypocrite!”
“Ugh! Fine, think what you want, I don't care!”
“Oh?” said Tazuna. “Am I sensing some drama? There’s nothing I love more than young breakups.”
“I’m sick of being sick and tired! I’m sick of the fear, the pain and the rage I’m not allowed to feel but everyone is allowed to feel towards me when all I do is sit around on a swing and cry! I’m sick of being looked down upon! I should be becoming stronger! I’ve completed many missions and even practiced jutsu everyday by myself! I’m not going to need saving ever again! I’m not going to be afraid and try to run! I won’t lose to Sasuke! I swear it on the pain in my left hand! With this kunai, I’ll protect the old man! We’re continuing the fucking mission!”

Chapter Text

“Naruto,” Kakashi sighed a tired sigh. “It’s good that you are releasing the poison, but…Anymore and you’ll die from lack of blood.” “No! That’s bad! I can’t die from something like this!!” “Let me see your hand.” “Naruto…” said Sakura. “Are you a masochist? What are you thinking?!” “It’s were,” said Tazuna. “What?” said Sakura. “You’re talking about something that happened in the past so it’s were. Your first language isn’t English is it?” “Excuse me?! I am a straight A student, I know my words! What does it matter if English isn’t my first language?!” “And the femboy over here has a bit of an accent,” continued Tazuna. “I’m well aware I don’t speak English well,” said Sasuke. “Chinese?” “Japanese, with a bit of Filipino and Mexican.” “Ya know how to speak Spanish?” “I’ve heard it.” “What about Tagalog?” “I think I’ve heard it too.” “But your first language is Japanese.” “Yep.” “Prove it.” “What?” “I want to hear it. I’ve always wanted to hear Japanese,” said Tazuna. “Fine,” said Sasuke. “Kimi wa kusai yo. Shawā o abite kudasai. Onegaishimasu.” “Ah,” Tazuna sighed. “Beautiful.” “Umm,” said Naruto. Hey..am I going to be…okay?” “You should be fine,” said Kakashi. Tazuna suddenly turned serious. “Sensei…I want to talk with you.” … “What a thick mist, I can’t see ahead,” said Naruto. “We should see the bridge soon. The wave country is at the base of the bridge,” said the sailor man. “Wow!! It’s huge!!!” “Hey!” yelled the Saliorman. “Be quiet! Why do you think we are hiding in this mist and not using the engine?! We’ll be in deep trouble if Gatou finds us.” The kids looked confused at what the sailor man was talking about. … “It’s about this mission. You’re right this job is most likely outside your duties. It turns out that a super dangerous man is after my life.” “Super dangerous man?” asked Kakashi. Tazuna just stared off into the distance with a serious look on his face. Not a single word to leave his lips. Kakashi chose to break the silence with a single, “Who?” Tazuna sighed. “You’re probably heard his name ‘fore.” Kakashi said nothing. “The wealthy shipping magnate…A man named Gatou.” “Huh?! Gatou! From that company?! He’s like one of the world's wealthiest people!” “Yes…Officially he runs a large company…But secretly he sells drugs and other illegal items using ninjas and gang members to take over…Businesses and countries…He’s a very nasty man.” Tazuna took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “It was ‘bout a year ago when he sets his eyes on the wave country. Through money and violence, he quickly took control of the country's shipping industry. Gatou now has a monopoly on all business traffic in the country. The only thing he has to fear now is the completion of the bridge.” “I see…since you’re building the bridge,” said Sakura. “You’re in the way.” “So…” said Sasuke. “Those ninjas were hired by Gatou?” “I…don’t get it,” said Naruto. “That’s probably blood loss,” said Sasuke. “But, what I don’t understand is…if you know ninjas could be after you…why did you hide that fact when you hired us?” Tazune let out a sad sigh. “Our country is poor, you see. Even the goddamned feudal lord has no money. So of course we don’t have money either and especially not for a b-rank mission.” Kakashi could feel his face soften. He felt sympathy for the man, but he knew better than to give in. “Well…if you quit the mission now…I will definitely be killed…But…Don’t worry about it!! If I die, my cute ten year old grandson will just cry for a few days!! He’ll probably never go outside again because I’m the only one strong enough to carry his wheelchair because he has no legs or arms. Oh yeah, how could I forget, my daughter will probably hate you guys forever which will make her chronic depression even worse!” Kakashi sighed. “Don’t worry, it won’t be your fault. Not at all. It’s always my fault isn’t it? For having such bad geneti-.” “We’ll go! We’ll protect you until you get back to your country!” said Kakashi. Tazuna smiled. “I win.” … “We’ll be there soon,” said the sailor. “Tazuna…It looks like we avoided detection so far, but…Just in case, we’ll take the route that has vegetation. It will make it harder for enemies to spot us.” “Thanks, bro,” said Tazuna. They went through a tunnel, it was dark and the waters were harsh. When they came out of it they were met with a beautiful village. “Hehe. Wow,” said Naruto. They kept going until they reached a building. All the buildings were made of wood and the only way to get to them was to swim. It was like a water town, which made sense to Naruto given the name. He then wondered why the leaf village didn’t have people walking around on fire. Or lived in a volcano. Why was the leaf village in the land of fire? “This is it for me,” said the sailor man when they got off. “Goodbye and good luck, you’re gonna need it.” “Yeah,” said Tazuna. “Thank you so much.” He watched the man sail away. “Ok!!” He said to Kakashi. “Get me home safely.” “Yes…Yes…” Kakashi then sighed a serious sigh. Naruto looked over at Sasuke. The guy does look pretty feminine. I could almost imagine him with a pair of tits. “What are you looking at?” said Sasuke. “A nice pair of knockers wouldn’t look too bad indeed.” “What?!” exclaimed Sasuke. “It’s the alcohol,” said Naruto. “It’s making me say my thoughts out loud…What? You thought I’d be ashamed? I love femboys. It’s not gay if they look like a girl.” “My hair isn’t even that long,” groaned Sasuke. “Finally!” exclaimed Tazuna. “Someone who understands!” He patted Naruto on the head. “I’ve never had this feeling before,” said Naruto. “Is this what having a father feels like?” “That fact that you even have to ask that question is sad enough,” muttered Sasuke. Okay, I’m not going to let him hog the spotlight. Naruto looked around frantically. “There!!” He threw a shuriken at the bush. There was nothing but dead silence for a minute. Naruto got back up. “Heh…just a rat…” “Stop trying to act cool!!” exclaimed Sakura. “There was nothing there!!” “Hey…” said Kakashi. “Please stop using shuriken…it’s seriously dangerous.” “Hey kid! Stop acting like a moron! That’s for fatherless kids! Be better than that!” Naruto looked around again. “Hey, I think I see a shadow!” “Hey, Gray-haired guy. I think the little dude’s hallucinating,” said Tazuna. Naruto threw a shuriken at the bushes, sure he saw something. In a second all he saw was black and Sakura’s fist in the side of his face. “I said stop!!!” “Oi!” exclaimed Naruto. “Don’t hit him,” said Sasuke and once he saw Naruto’s face, Which was probably glaring at him, he quickly added, “He can’t lose anymore blood. If he passes out, it’s bad for all of us, which is why I give a fuck in the first place.” “Somebody’s after us, I swear!” yelled Naruto. “Yeah, right!!” exclaimed Sakura. “This…is…distributing,” said Kakashi. “Oh!” said Sakura when she walked over. “Naruto!!” she yelled as she searched for the boy in question. “What have you done?!” “Is it dead?” “No! But a couple of inches lower and it would’ve been you idiot! What the fuck is wrong with you?! You need therapy and meds!!!” “Tell me something I don’t know!” Naruto walked over to the rabbit. He picked it up, which it didn’t seem too happy about, and began to apologize to it. “I didn’t mean it…I’m sorry lil’ rabbit.” “Oh…just a rabbit,” said Tazuna. “That’s a snow rabbit…,” said Kakashi. “Yet, it’s spring. What’s with its color?” Then his face became a bit nervous. Naruto didn’t really pay attention to what Kakashi was doing in the next couple of seconds. But the next time he spoke again it was a very loud, “Everyone, get down!!” Naruto felt Sakura wrap her arms around Naruto’s back as she hung on for dear life. She said some words but Naruto couldn’t understand them, he couldn’t even tell if they were in English or some other language simply because of how the wind howled in his ears. It went something like this, “Cher..., je suis vraiment désolé. Je suis... désolé... étant... une fille normale ! Ceci... ne me suicide jamais, je ne... jamais mourir avant toi. (Dear..., I'm so sorry. I'm...sorry...being...a normal girl! This... never suicide, I never...to die before you.”) There were the sounds of things hitting other things, until it eventually stopped. Sakura got off of Naruto’s back, but Naruto barely noticed because he was too busy trying to best Sasuke on who got to attack the swordsman first. Hehe…here is my chance. This time I won’t lose to Sasuke. “Well…well…If it isn’t the hidden mist’s missing-nin momochi Zabuza-kun,” said Kakashi. Ready…, Thought Naruto. …Go!!. Naruto’s foot leaped up from the ground within a second, maybe even less. He was ready, in the moment nothing could stop him…other than Kakashi’s hand that is. “Everybody, get back. This one is on a whole different level,” said Kakashi. Kakashi put his hand on his headband. “It will be a little tough…unless I do this…”