Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Neil first noticed it on a balmy summer night, the pleasantly warm breeze twirling his cigarette smoke into loops, his fingers loosely wrapped around Andrew’s. That was new - the hand holding. They’d flown from Germany back to Palmetto for summer practice a few days ago. Kevin was antsy to get back to the Exy court, Nicky was lamenting leaving Germany (and Erik), and Aaron was talking to the flight attendants about the in-flight Wi-Fi plan so he that could text Katelyn. Neil had taken the window seat, Andrew in the aisle seat right next to him.

Andrew was staring straight ahead, wearing his usual bored expression. To most, he looked completely unaffected. His right hand - the one that faced the aisle and by extension, the general public - was tucked into his hoodie’s front pocket, stretching the material to the brink of ripping it. His left hand was gripping the armrest between him and Neil, knuckles white and veins popping. If Neil didn’t know better, he’d expect the metal to buckle under the strength of Andrew’s grip.

Most people wouldn’t have noticed the slight line of tension in Andrew’s shoulders, the way his breathing shallowed ever so slightly. Very few people could mask their emotions as well as Andrew could. But when it came to Andrew, Neil was not most people.

The plane began to move, and Andrew’s grip somehow tightened further.

Neil would gladly stand between Andrew and anything that threatened him, but he couldn’t fight the entire sky (though seeing Andrew - his strong, steady, perpetually unaffected Andrew - fall prey to his fear, Neil was almost tempted to find a way).

It had been a couple months since Baltimore, since the championships and Riko’s death and Andrew’s silent admission that what they had was a ‘this’. They’d spent their summer learning each other inside and out, setting up and breaking down boundaries, untangling the mess that was their pasts and their presents to clear a path for their future. But as much as they could do together, there were some things they had to work on alone. When Neil woke up in the middle of the night, battling the shadowy memories of his father’s knives that lingered in the space between dreams and reality, Andrew could only be there in the aftermath. Sometimes Neil couldn’t accept, too wound up to handle anything resembling comfort, but usually Andrew’s presence gave him the strength he needed to keep fighting. Likewise, Neil couldn’t fight Andrew’s demons for him, but he could be present, give Andrew the option of something to lean on.

Neil had placed his hand on the armrest, right next to Andrew’s own. A silent message: I’m here, I’m not going anywhere, unless you want me to, in which case I’ll be waiting for when you’re ready for me to come back. Andrew’s eyes flicked to their hands, side by side, Neil’s open and relaxed and Andrew’s concentrated with all the tension in his body, and Andrew let out a tiny, almost imperceptible sigh.

Neil inched his hand closer, barely millimeters away from Andrew’s. Any closer and they’d be touching, and Neil wondered if he should pull away.

Andrew must’ve had the same thought, but it seemed to lead him in the opposite direction. Quietly, he gritted out, “Yes or no?”

Neil doubted Andrew was in any state to kiss right now, but he trusted that Andrew knew his own boundaries. “Yes.”

And then Andrew’s fingers closed around his own, and Neil’s chest soared. He would’ve said it felt like he was flying, but he supposed that technically, since they were in an airplane, he was flying. It was a little stupid to be so excited over holding hands when just a day earlier Andrew was giving him a blowjob, but somehow this felt infinitely more intimate.

Neil curled his own fingers around Andrew’s, keeping his touch as light as possible. Andrew tried to be gentle, aware that Neil’s hand didn’t have the same sturdiness of a metal armrest, but Neil still felt his hand begin to go numb.

He didn’t care. Andrew’s hand was in his, and Neil could hear Andrew’s breathing begin to even out, and that was all that mattered.

Since then, their hands had somehow managed to find each other’s at every chance. Under the table during breakfast, across the Maserati’s dashboard, on the couch while watching Exy tapes (Neil’s choice) or reality show reruns (Andrew’s choice). Fortunately Andrew’s grip was much softer when they weren’t in the air, but Neil didn’t think he’d have minded even if his hands did go numb every time Andrew held them.

Now they were sitting on the roof of Fox Tower, legs hanging off the side, watching the last vestiges of the sunset streak across the sky. Splotches of Palmetto orange painted the west edge of the sky, stark against the coming dark of night. Neil could hear Andrew’s heartbeat speed up. It was probably due to the height, but Neil liked to think he had at least something to do with it.

Neil’s legs swung back and forth, his orange converse lit up by the fading orange in the sky, Andrew’s black combat boots blending in with the rapidly approaching night. They were a fresh night, a new beginning, the pocket of time between the bright, colorful sunset and the peaceful, starlit night sky. They were the warmth of flickering cigarettes held inches away from shadowed faces and body heat from hands clasped together and the last rays of sunlight mixing with the cooling night air. This was theirs.

Neil sighed and leaned back, turning on his side to face Andrew.

Andrew was already looking at him, the small flecks of gold in his hazel eyes set aflame by streetlights and cigarettes, the set of his shoulders more relaxed than Neil had ever seen him outside of sleep. Neil was about to throw out their usual comeback of “Staring” when he noticed it.

Neil knew how to read every one of Andrew’s minuscule expressions. The way the slightest twitch in his brow denotated amusement, the tiny flare of his nostrils when he got angry, how he blinked ever faster when he was surprised. He’d seen Andrew’s manic, drug-induced smile and his single cold grin when Kevin had come back with his new tattoo, but Neil had never seen Andrew smile out of sheer happiness.

Neil wasn’t sure if most people would classify Andrew’s current expression as a smile. It wasn’t wide or toothy or overtly noticeable, but Andrew’s lips were turned ever-so-slightly up, his eyes crinkled, and Neil knew what this was. Neil’s heart stuttered, and he wished he had Andrew’s eidetic memory so that he could burn this image into his mind forever, write it across the folds of his brain with permanent ink, tattoo it on the back of his eyelids so that he could see it every time he closed his eyes. He drank it all in, trying to commit every tiny detail of Andrew’s face to memory.

A sharp sting of pain hit Neil’s forearm and he let out a yelp. Andrew’s gaze snapped to his arm, and Neil followed it to find that in his distraction, Neil had dropped his still burning cigarette.

“Fuck!” Neil shot up and stamped out the cigarette. Luckily the flame had barely grazed him, so the burn wasn’t too bad, but there was an angry red streak above his wrist. “It looks worse than it is.”

Andrew grabbed Neil’s arm, turning it around to inspect the wound. He wasn’t smiling anymore, and Neil was almost more disappointed in that than the pinprick of pain in his arm. A concerned furrow marred Andrew’s brow, and if Neil was being honest, he didn’t mind having Andrew fuss over him.

“Idiot.” Andrew hissed. “You are worse than Kevin. I can’t let you out of my sight for a second without you finding a way to hurt yourself.”

“I’m pretty sure I was in your sight this time.”

“You are a walking disaster.”

“A murder magnet, according to Nicky.” Neil agreed. “Trouble incarnate, according to Aaron. Or according to Kevin-”

Andrew sighed. “Neil.”

“Andrew.” Neil shot back.

Andrew rolled over to grab Neil’s water bottle, then poured it over the wound. Andrew looked back at him, waiting for an update. The water was room temperature after spending the past couple hours outside, but it lessened the pain a little. Not that the pain had been that bad to begin with, but Neil knew that Andrew would ignore his “I’m fine”s no matter how much he protested. So instead, Neil grinned and said, “Kiss it better?”

Andrew scoffed and dropped Neil’s arm. “113%.”

“You know, whenever you raise the percentage, it usually ends in a kiss.” Neil pointed out.

“Shut it.” Andrew said.

But Neil must’ve been right about the correlation between percentages and kisses, because the trend held true once again.

Chapter Text

Neil knew he had a staring problem, especially when it came to Andrew. Sometimes, when they were laying in bed or sitting side by side on the bus to an away game, Neil would turn to face Andrew and just - stare. He’d stare until time blurred, losing count of seconds or minutes or hours, as long as Andrew allowed it, and Andrew usually did. Andrew would point it out, “Staring,” and Neil would say “Yup,” and Andrew would raise the percentage or roll his eyes but ultimately let Neil continue. Though to be fair, Neil often caught Andrew staring back. Neil had pointed it out the first few times, excited to use Andrew’s own line against him for once, but he’d eventually stopped. Because Andrew would usually look away once Neil mentioned it, and Neil knew that Andrew hated admitting to feeling anything, much less affection, but if Andrew felt half of what Neil did, then Neil wouldn’t give Andrew a reason to deny himself.

Besides, Neil had no shortage of things to tease Andrew about. Neil liked to call it a talent, how he could always come up with a snappy comeback, though Andrew called it a pain in the ass.

But since that night on the roof, Neil found himself staring more and more. He was half-sure that he’d imagined it. Andrew smiling. Because of Neil. Neil knew Andrew cared about him, quite possibly even liked him. But he also knew Andrew had a better mask than almost anybody Neil had ever met, and though Andrew would let it slip around Neil every now and then, this was another thing entirely.

Neil snuck glances whenever he could, hoping to catch it again, to relive that one magical moment where he was more sure than ever that he and Andrew were eternal in their own right. He tried to reconstruct the scene from memory, but those few seconds weren’t enough to piece everything together. Sometimes he could remember the twist of Andrew’s mouth but couldn’t call up the shadowed planes of his face, angled toward him just so. Other times he’d picture the flame-gold speckles in Andrew’s hazel eyes, but he couldn’t be sure if the crinkle was deeper around his left eye or his right.

And it didn’t happen again.

Until it did.

For the first time, Neil and Andrew were headed to Columbia on their own. Aaron had plans with Katelyn and Nicky was going to some concert. Neil and Andrew saw their chance and they took it, by which Neil means that they told Kevin to stay with Wymack so that he and Andrew could have a weekend alone.

Neil and Andrew had went on plenty of aimless night drives, sometimes much longer than the hour and a half it took to get from Palmetto to Columbia. It didn’t really set in until they reached the house.

The Columbia house was the monsters’ family home. Nicky, Andrew, Aaron, Kevin, and Neil. Erik, when he wasn’t in Germany. The other Foxes had joined them a few times, though never overnight. But Neil had never been here in less than a group of three.

Neil had never had a home, and now, between Fox Tower and the Columbia house, he had two. But in this moment, walking into the Columbia house with Andrew at his side, it didn’t feel like the monsters’ home. It felt like their home, Neil’s and Andrew’s. Neil couldn’t help but think that one day, in a few years, they’d be doing this for real. Moving in alone together.

He could see his future stretching out before him, one that didn’t end with a grisly death at the age of nineteen. And when Neil saw his future, he had no doubt that in whatever way, Andrew would be in it.

Over the past year or so, he’d had the realization again and again, striking him at the most random of times. He’d be working on homework, or watching Exy tapes, or doing something as mundane as grocery shopping, and BOOM! He’d have infinite chances to do homework and watch Exy and buy protein bars (for himself) and ice cream (for Andrew). He had a future. He had a family. He had a home. He had Andrew.

No matter how many times the thought struck him, it felt novel every time, a repeated epiphany. Future, family, home, Andrew. They were synonyms, interchangeable.

Something flicked his forehead, and Neil snapped out of his stupor to meet Andrew’s eyes.

“Where are you?” Andrew asked. Where are your thoughts, you were spaced out, are you trapped in your memories again, I’m here I’m here I’m here. Andrew didn’t have to say any of it. Neil understood.

“I’m here.” Neil echoed. Andrew was here, and Neil was here with him.

“Where were you?” Andrew amended.

Neil took the bags from Andrew and walked into the foyer, shucking off his shoes on the way. They’d went to Walmart to stock up on food for the weekend, and Neil began unpacking, fruit and ice cream and frozen pizza - neither of them were going to be cooking this weekend. Nicky usually bought groceries when they were in Columbia. Putting everything away felt oddly domestic, like they truly were moving in to a new house.

“I was just thinking,” Neil mused. “One day, this will be for real.”

“Is it not already real?” Andrew asked, grabbing a carton of ice cream before Neil could put it in the freezer. Neil bit back a smile.

“Not ‘this’.” Neil said, gesturing to him and Andrew. He then spread his arms, gesturing around the house. “This. Like one day we’ll have our own place. We won’t be unpacking for a weekend trip, we’ll be moving in together.”

“We already live together.” Andrew pointed out.

“We live with Kevin.” Neil said.

“Ah.” Andrew said. “And what weekend plans do you have for me, now that Kevin is not here?”

Neil laughed, leaning in. Andrew nodded - they were at the point where they didn’t always need verbal confirmation. Neil gave him a quick kiss, then said, “Oh, plenty. But that’s not what I meant. I just - its different, y’know? Like, the dorms are temporary. We’ll graduate college and move on. But this is like, a house.”

“This is a house?” Andrew mocked. “I thought it was a parking lot.”

“You know what I mean. It’s permanent. It feels permanent. After college we’ll get our own place together. Like a real, permanent place.”

“That is a bit presumptuous, don’t you think?”

Neil frowned. He supposed he’d never actually asked. He just assumed that their ‘this’ was permanent to Andrew, as it was to him. He shouldn’t have made any assumptions - his and Andrew’s relationship was built on communication of boundaries. But this was… Neil had been so sure that Andrew felt the same way he did. Andrew was it for him. They were it for each other. What if he was wrong?

Andrew’s left eyebrow was raised a few millimeters above his right, his micro-expression for when he was joking. Neil was pretty sure Andrew was teasing him, but he should still ask, right?

“Is it? I mean, do you want to?”

“Are you asking me to move in with you three years in advance?”

“Yes.” Neil decided. “Move in with me after we both graduate. Yes or no?”

Andrew turned his face away, and for a moment, Neil felt his heart stop, bile rising up his throat. Had he truly misjudged their whole relationship?

But then Andrew said “Yes,” and Neil felt like a thousand pound weight had been lifted off his shoulders. He pulled Andrew in, planning to kiss him until his lips were sore, when he realized why Andrew had hidden his face.

Andrew was smiling, and now, under the fluorescent kitchen lights, Neil could see it in all its glory. The smile was bigger this time, Neil thought. He was a master of Andrew’s micro-expressions, but he thought that in this moment, anyone looking at Andrew would clearly see how Andrew felt. And despite Andrew having momentarily hidden his face, Neil knew that if Andrew didn’t want him seeing this, Neil wouldn’t be seeing it right now.

Andrew flicked Neil’s forehead. “What, junkie?”

Neil could only imagine the dumbstruck expression on his own face. “You’re smiling.” He said dumbly.

“Yes, that is a thing the human face does.”

“When they’re happy.” Neil blurted.

“I am not going to say it.” Andrew said.

But you didn’t deny it, Neil thought.

The thing was, Neil knew he made Andrew feel good. Safe, comfortable. Content. But happiness was different. It was something stronger, something alien. Something neither of them had much experience with. And while Neil had hoped Andrew could feel that way, he had never been sure. He definitely didn’t want to force it.

But not only was Andrew happy, he was happy because of Neil, and he was choosing to share it with Neil.

Neil couldn’t put it into words, but he and Andrew had never needed words to communicate. So Neil took Andrew’s face in his hands, and he poured all of his emotions into a long, bruising kiss. Andrew kissed him back, simultaneously rough and gentle, and Neil could feel himself melting into Andrew’s kiss.

Suffice it to say, they got through all of Neil’s weekend plans for Andrew.

And if the frozen pizza that Neil had yet to put away was a soggy, melted mess by the time they were done, well, that was nobody’s business but their own. After all, what was mafia blood money good for if not for ordering your partner takeout from the only restaurant open at 3am?

Chapter Text

Neil knew that what he and Andrew had was unbreakable. He knew that no matter what happened, he and Andrew would come out the other side. They had survived the Japanese mafia, a violent Exy cult, and Neil’s serial killer father. After all that, they could surely handle a single year apart, right?

They could and they would. Neil knew that. But that didn’t make it any easier. For the first time in his life, Neil had had a home and a family. And after four years of being constantly surrounded by his chosen family, he had gotten used to it. To movie nights with the Foxes and to Kevin’s incessant nagging and to sharing a bed with Andrew, waking up to warm sunlight and even warmer arms. And now he was alone again. Andrew had graduated and joined his professional Exy team, and Neil was still stuck in Palmetto.

It wasn’t even a full year. Neil’s final year of college had started in September, and he’d graduate in May. That was, what, nine months? When he was thirteen, Neil had once spent nine months squatting with his mother in a rotting abandoned warehouse, dodging the crumbling scaffolding and trying to ignore the cloying stench of mold and rats. In comparison, nine months in a cushy college dorm and playing Exy on a scholarship that covered his food, housing, and education should be a dream come true.

And it was. Neil knew how lucky he was to have this. As annoying as the freshman recruits were, as overworked as he was between his studies and Exy practice, this was nothing he couldn’t handle.

But Neil hadn’t been prepared to miss Andrew this much. He’d known that it would be an adjustment, but he’d spent nineteen years without truly trusting or relying on anybody. He could survive less than a year alone. And he still had Andrew - they called every few days, and they made time to visit each other at least once a month. But Neil missed being a part of Andrew’s daily routine. He missed studying side by side in silence for hours on end, or being able to go up to the roof and share cigarettes any time he got stressed, or falling asleep in Andrew’s arms, feeling safe even from his nightmares.

Even just knowing that Andrew was in his general vicinity would be comfort enough. But Andrew was hundreds of miles away, in an entirely different time zone. Neil was hours ahead. By the time Andrew even woke up, Neil was already in class, and by the time Neil was back in his dorm, Andrew had practice. Andrew got back to his apartment and by then it was time for Neil’s practice. And so on and so forth. They tried to make time for each other whenever they could, but their schedules barely aligned.

It had been six months. That was half a year. He’d had four short years of indulging in Andrew almost every minute of every day, and then six long months of having to schedule time with Andrew like a fucking doctor’s appointment. Andrew was a persistent craving, bubbling just under Neil’s skin at all times.

It didn’t help that Neil was still in the place where his and Andrew’s relationship had first started. Neil would pass the staircase to the roof and feel the conspicuous absence of a warm body by his side. He would make his way to the Foxhole Court, expecting to see Andrew in the goal, and instead be faced with a new freshman goalie who, through no fault of her own, bore the brunt of Neil’s ire. He would drift off to sleep in the same bed he and Andrew had shared, cover himself in the same blankets he and Andrew had slept under, and feel lonelier than he’d ever felt before. He had once asked to switch bunks with Robin, but sleeping in a bed that Andrew had never touched felt even worse, and the next day they had switched back.

Neil could never escape Andrew, and he didn’t want to. But neither could Neil reach him. He was always simultaneously too close and too far.

Robin and the rest of Neil’s roommates were still in class. Neil should’ve been happy for the few peaceful moments of privacy he could get, but the silent stillness of the room was suffocating. Neil tugged on Andrew’s old Palmetto hoodie and grabbed the stuffed rabbit plushie in a mini Josten jersey that Andrew had gotten him as a joke.

They had been wandering around Palmetto the night before the championship game, making fun of the ridiculous pop up stands that were preparing for tomorrow’s flood of tourists. Some of the merchandise made sense: T-shirts and posters and water bottles. But Neil couldn’t fathom why anyone would need (or want) a Palmetto State Foxes themed toilet seat. Or a USC Trojans Tupperware set, with Jeremy’s and Jean’s and Laila’s faces badly printed onto the cheap plastic. Neil wasn’t sure whether or not to be insulted that someone was selling a trash can with his face on it.

And then they had passed a Build-A-Bear pop up, with “limited edition Foxes vs Trojans merchandise.”

“I’ve never been to Build-A-Bear.” Neil said. “I passed one while my mom and I were hiding out in a mall, but when I asked if we could go, my mom slapped me and told me to shut up.”

“I went with a foster family once.” Andrew said. “I did not get one. Me and their other foster kids waited outside while their biological daughter picked one out.”

Neil had felt a quick wave of rage at two faceless strangers who he never had and never would meet. He imagined a young Andrew, surrounded by a slew of other children, watching through the store windows as the adults who were supposed to treat him like a son spoiled their daughter, leaving him to the wayside.

He didn’t give it a second thought. Almost as if on instinct, he approached the stand and placed an order.

Andrew raised a brow. “Really?”

Neil picked an obnoxiously orange fox and dressed it in a Kevin Day jersey. He considered getting his or Andrew’s, but ultimately decided that Kevin’s was funnier. With the tacky orange on orange ensemble, the plushie was impossible to ignore, a bright neon sign displaying Andrew’s presence and survival. Andrew wouldn’t be shoved to the side of his family again. Neil wouldn’t allow it.

Once Neil paid, he walked back up to Andrew and held out the fox. “Here.”

Andrew eyed it warily. “What is that.”

“I made it for you.” Neil said. He lifted it so that it was eye to eye with Andrew. “It’s name is Kevin 2.0.”

“One Kevin is more than enough.” Andrew said.

“This one can’t talk.” Neil argued.

Andrew thought about it for a moment, then took the proffered stuffed animal. “Acceptable.”

Neil laughed, and Andrew half-smiled back at him. Then, before Neil could react, Andrew shoved the fox back at him and made his way back to the Build-A-Bear stand. Neil held on to Kevin 2.0, watching as Andrew picked out a rabbit plushie and dressed it in a Neil Josten jersey. When it was done, Andrew walked back to Neil and traded the rabbit for the fox.

“Josten.”

“Yes?” Neil said.

“Not you.” Andrew said. “That is its name.”

Neil grinned. “Because I’m a rabbit?”

“And an Exy junkie.” Andrew said, pointing to the jersey. He dug a small fabric Exy racquet out of the shopping bag and attached it to the rabbit’s hand.

Now, Neil looked down at the rabbit’s glassy black eyes and floppy white ears, the racquet hanging to the velcro on its hand. It was nothing more than polyester and cheap stuffing, but Andrew had made it for him - or, Andrew had picked the shape and clothes while the Build-A-Bear employee put it together, but still. This specific stuffed animal only existed in this way because Andrew had chosen it. For Neil.

It had been a joke. Andrew had picked a rabbit to tease Neil. He would probably hate that this, of all things, was what reminded Neil of him. But in Andrew’s stead, Neil was desperate for Andrew’s company, and this was as close as he could get. Maybe Andrew would be glad about that, then. That Neil had something that brought him comfort when Andrew couldn’t be there to do it himself.

Neil sat on his bed, a textbook on his lap, the stuffed rabbit tucked into his side. He couldn’t concentrate on his homework, but it was the only distraction he could think of. What time was it, anyway? It felt like it had been hours since Neil got back from his classes, but that couldn’t be, because Robin’s last class ended about seventy five minutes after Neil’s, so she would’ve been back by now.

Neil reached over to grab his phone from the bedside dresser. It was a smartphone. After a little over four years, his secondhand flip phone had finally given out. When Andrew visited last weekend, he and Neil went to the mall and got Neil set up with a smart phone, but Neil still barely knew how to use it.

Neil checked the time on his lock screen, only to find that it had barely been twelve minutes. Afternoon practice didn’t start for another three hours, and he had a little over an hour before Robin would be out of class. Neil groaned, glaring at the empty room.

His wallowing was interrupted by his phone ringing. Andrew’s name flashed across the screen, and for a moment Neil wondered if he’d gotten so bored that he’d convinced himself his daydreams were a reality. He was sure Andrew had practice for at least two more hours. Had something gone wrong? Was Andrew hurt, calling from the hospital? Was he in trouble?

Neil picked up and did a double take when the loading screen vanished, replaced by Andrew’s face. He and Andrew had Skyped a few times when Neil could get his hands on the laptop his roommates shared, but Neil hadn’t known smartphones had a video call feature.

He wondered if this was why Andrew was so insistent Neil upgrade.

Andrew’s hair was wet. He must’ve just gotten out of the shower. The screen was a little laggy, and the camera couldn’t fully capture the depth of his hazel eyes, but it was undeniably Andrew, and Neil’s chest hurt a little at the sight.

And most importantly, Andrew seemed relaxed, lounging on his couch. He wasn’t hurt or in trouble.

“Practice ended early.” Andrew said in greeting.

Neil smiled. “Hey, Drew.”

“Hey, junkie.” Andrew’s voice was monotone as ever, but Neil could hear the undercurrent of softness in the words.

“I miss you.” Neil blurted out.

Andrew was quiet for a moment. He chewed his lip before admitting, “I miss you too.”

Neil took that as what it was: permission to continue this line of conversation. “It’s hard. I can’t- everything reminds me of you. I keep expecting to turn around and see you, and then I remember you’re on the other side of the country. And I hate it. I hate that I got used to having someone around, and I hate that it was taken away and I can’t go back to how I was before.”

Andrew didn’t say anything, but he didn’t tell Neil to stop, either. He nodded, showing Neil he was listening, and Neil continued.

“And I hate having to plan time with you, like you’re some extracurricular on my schedule. I miss being able to just tell you what I’m thinking as soon as the thought crosses my mind. I see something I want to tell you about and I just have to save it until our next scheduled phone call, and by then it just seems irrelevant. And I know it’s not important, but in the moment it feels important. But when we only have like half an hour to talk, I’m not just going to spend the whole time listing every stray thought I’ve had over the past few days.”

“You do not have to wait.” Andrew said. “Just call. That is what your phone is for.”

“I know how phones work.” Neil said.

“Do you?”

Neil ignored the jab. “You know it’s not that easy. You’re busy when I’m free, and I’m busy when you’re free. If it was as simple as ‘just call’ then you’d do it too.”

The words may have sounded accusatory, but that’s not how Neil meant them. He’d said it matter-of-factly, merely pointing out their predicament, and Andrew would get what Neil was trying to say.

Neil didn’t blame Andrew for their mismatched schedules. He knew Andrew made time whenever he could. Andrew willingly flew to Palmetto monthly despite his fear of heights. Andrew had been dropping hints to his coach about needing a new striker, and had been looking into transfer options for all the professional teams that had come to recruit Neil so far. If Andrew’s current team didn’t recruit Neil, Andrew was already planning to transfer to whatever team did.

Andrew had Neil as the only exception to his Do Not Disturb, so even when his phone was muted, he’d still get Neil’s calls. On the few nights where Neil’s nightmares had been vicious enough for Neil to truly consider running, he’d called Andrew, and Andrew had answered every time, no matter how late it was. On Nathaniel’s birthday, Neil had called Andrew around 1:00 AM, and Andrew had stayed up with him until the sun rose, never once complaining about being woken up even though he had practice the next morning.

So Neil wasn’t accusing Andrew of not putting in enough effort. Andrew may not say it out loud, but he showed his devotion through his actions. Andrew wouldn’t say ‘I want to be with you,’ but he made sure Neil knew it. Andrew was planning for their future just as much as Neil was, and they were both doing what they could to keep their relationship close despite the physical distance between them.

But Andrew knew just as well as Neil did that yes, they did have to wait. They both had responsibilities, and if they shirked their duties during their year apart, they would be sabotaging their own futures. If Neil didn’t graduate and keep the Foxes’ winning streak, he wouldn’t be recruited to a professional team. And as talented as he was, if Andrew didn’t do his job on his current team, especially on his first year in the pros, he would not be in high enough demand to transfer to his team of choice. If they wanted to end up on the same team, they had to prove themselves, and this year was critical.

“I did.” Andrew said, gesturing to the screen. And despite it only being two words, Neil understood what Andrew left unsaid. I had extra time and I called. You could’ve been busy, but the worst case scenario is that you wouldn’t pick up. If I’m busy, then I won’t pick up. But I might not be. So if you want to talk, call. And if I can, I’ll answer.

And Neil hadn’t thought of it that way. In the past, it had been more black and white, yes or no: if Neil wanted Andrew around, then Andrew would be there, and vice versa. If one of them wanted space, then the other would leave them alone until they were ready.

Andrew couldn’t give Neil that at the moment. He couldn’t just say yes I’ll be there as long as you want me, because they simply did not have the time to spend together. And Neil had taken it as a no, because it wasn’t a yes.

But that wasn’t fair. Andrew was offering all that he could. He couldn’t guarantee that he’d pick up if Neil called, couldn’t give him a yes, but he could give Neil a maybe. He gave Neil an it will be a yes if it can be. The phone call was not the action, the way that a touch after a yes or no was. No - the call was the question, and if the answer was a yes, then Andrew would pick up. Just like Neil had given Andrew a yes when he’d picked up today.

Neil had been thinking of it differently than Andrew had. Where Neil saw a no, Andrew hadn’t even seen a question. Where Neil thought that he’d asked and been denied, Andrew had thought Neil hadn’t asked in the first place.

Neil remembered how during his first week of classes, Andrew had occasionally called while Neil was busy, whether with class or with practice. Neil had called back when he could, and since he didn’t want to miss Andrew’s future calls, Neil had suggested scheduling the calls. And since Neil had never called outside of that, Andrew must’ve thought that Neil was happy with their arrangement, that Neil didn’t feel the need to talk more often than they already did.

“I’m glad you called.” Neil said. He refused to let Andrew think that Neil was being distant by choice. “I want to talk more often. I’ll call when I can.”

Andrew nodded, and Neil wished he could touch Andrew through the phone screen. He wanted Andrew to put his hand on Neil’s neck or hold his hand. But the closest Neil could get was pulling the stuffed rabbit closer into his side.

Andrew made a small huff, and Neil’s attention turned back to the screen. Andrew had leaned back against his couch, a small smile on his lips. Andrew’s smiles had become more and more commonplace, but they still hadn’t broken into his usual rotation of expressions. So every time it did happen, Neil still felt that overwhelming pride and happiness of knowing that after everything Andrew had been through, he had grown beyond the chains of his past and allowed himself to feel and express his joy.

“You still have that thing?” Andrew said. “I thought you’d stuffed it in the back of your closet never to see the light of day.”

“You made it for me.” Neil said.

Andrew rolled his eyes, but his smile didn’t waver. “I picked out the skin and watched some underpaid Build-A-Bear employee put it together.”

“Close enough.” Neil hugged the rabbit closer. “Also. It’s soft.”

“You are a child.” Andrew said. But Neil could see the amusement in his eyes.

“Don’t think I didn’t see Kevin 2.0 in the background.” Neil pointed out the neon orange fox on Andrew’s dresser, still wearing it’s Kevin Day jersey.

“At least I am not cuddling it like a five year old.”

Neil smiled. “I’d like to see that.”

“No.”

“It would be cute.”

“Cute.” Andrew repeated drily, scrunching his nose in disgust, and Neil laughed.

“See? Cute.”

“I will not hesitate to hang up on you, Josten.”

“I don’t believe you.” Neil said. “You called me, remember?”

“I am rethinking my earlier decision.”

“Too late.” Neil sang. “You don’t believe in regret.”

Neil lost track of how long he and Andrew were talking. Andrew told Neil about his team captain’s drama that had gotten practice canceled early, and Neil told Andrew about the latest problems with the freshman recruits. At one point, Neil had stopped talking and instead just admired Andrew through the screen. Andrew called him out for staring, and their bickering resumed.

The next thing Neil knew, Robin was walking through the door. It had been over an hour, and Neil had barely noticed that time was passing.

When night fell, for the first time since Andrew’s last visit, Neil fell asleep quickly and peacefully.

Chapter Text

Neil had signed a contract with the New York Nighthawks, and Andrew was preparing to be traded to the Manhattan Meerkats. They weren’t able to join the same team on Neil’s first year out of college, but they were lucky enough to be accepted into two different teams in the same city.

As far as Neil was concerned, it was a win. Yes, he’d have liked playing alongside Andrew, but it wasn’t as important as just being with him. Living in the same apartment, cooking and eating together, falling asleep tangled up in each other’s arms. Altogether, Neil could live with being on different teams, as long as he and Andrew were living together again.

Besides, there were perks to being on rival teams. Playing with Andrew was fun, but playing against him was just as exciting. And after a snappy comment Neil made in an interview after Andrew’s transfer was announced, their fans had decided that the two of them had some long standing, bitter rivalry, and Neil thought it was hilarious how badly the media misinterpreted them.

Neil had graduated a couple months ago, and Andrew’s season ended soon after. Andrew didn’t want to fly back and forth between New York and Seattle every few days while apartment hunting, so over the summer, they’d put all their stuff in the trunk of Andrew’s Maserati and took a road trip across the country. When they reached New York, they rented an AirBNB to stay at while looking for apartments.

After almost a year apart, the past two months with Andrew had been a breath of fresh air. It felt as if Neil had been living with only one arm for the past year: uncomfortable, a huge adjustment, but ultimately possible. Painstakingly, he had begun to get used to it, and then he had gotten his arm back, and suddenly everything was easier and he once again wondered how he’d survived so long without it.

Neil had gotten Andrew back, and he would never let go again.

And yes, technically Neil had never really lost Andrew. Maybe it was more accurate to compare it to wartime rations, then. His country was at war, and there had been a food shortage. So some days he would get to eat his fill, but most days he had to take small portions, nowhere near enough to satisfy him, and he would often go to bed hungry. But the war had ended and the shortage was fixed and now he could gorge himself all he wanted.

The difference was that while he’d eventually grow full if he ate too much food, Neil could never get tired of Andrew’s presence.

At first, it had felt too good to be true, another momentary reprieve. After all, he and Andrew had visited each other whenever they could during their year apart. So Neil spent a week or so in Andrew’s apartment, and it felt the same as it had when he visited over winter break. Blissful, but still temporary. Then they went on the road, and as fun as it was, by design, road trips were made to end. The AirBNB was only booked for about a month, so there was a looming expiration date, blatantly visible every time Neil caught sight of the reminder pinned on the fridge. They spent the days visiting various apartments, and things slowly began to feel more and more permanent. But subconsciously, Neil was still waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Now, as they loaded the last of the boxes into their new apartment, it finally started to set in. This was truly happening.

Fox Tower had been Neil’s home, but he’d always known that it was never going to last longer than a few years, and that only became clearer with every original Fox that graduated. Now Neil had graduated, and that phase of his life was over for good.

The Columbia house was also his home, but it felt more like a vacation home. Somewhere he’d visit over breaks from school, never for more than a month at a time. It was a refuge from his real life, not a part of the real world.

But this was going to be the place Neil would live for the foreseeable future, where he and Andrew could spend the rest of their lives together.

Neil set down the box he was holding, then made his way through the living room, leaving the pile of boxes in the hall.

The door to the balcony was open, and Andrew was leaning on the railing, one hand on the rail, the other digging through his pocket, presumably for a cigarette.

Neil sidled up next to him, placing his hand on top of Andrew’s free one. They no longer had to ask for such small touches.

Andrew’s eyes flitted to Neil’s hand. Wordlessly, he pulled Neil in closer, his arm around Neil’s waist. Neil leaned in to Andrew’s touch, and Andrew rested his head on Neil’s shoulder.

“You’re clingy today.” Neil teased.

“Shut up.” Andrew said. But the words lacked venom, negated by how tightly he held on to Neil. His strong weight enveloped Neil, and Neil sighed in contentment.

“You know there’s only one way to shut me up.” Neil said, argumentative for the sake of it.

Andrew kissed him.

And true to his word, Neil shut up.

Finally, they untangled themselves, reluctantly going to unpack. The apartment was completely bare, save for the cardboard boxes strewn across the floor. Andrew’s previous place had come furnished. It was meant to be a temporary place - he had always intended to move as soon as he and Neil ended up in the same city.

However, that meant that they didn’t own any furniture. Even after unpacking, the only stuff they had were clothes and decorations. So to IKEA they went.

Neither Neil nor Andrew knew where to start with interior decorating. Neil’s picks ranged from ‘plain but functional’ to brightly patterned furniture that Andrew called ‘tacky’ despite Neil’s insistence they just had ‘character’. Some of these included a bright orange couch, a green and purple polka dot bedspread, and plaid yellowish green curtains.

And then Neil found a coat rack that seemed to be constructed of Exy racquets, tied together by netting.

“Andrew.” Neil said. “I need this.”

Andrew crossed his arms, his posture radiating judgement. “That is horrendous.”

“It’s… abstract.” Neil argued.

“Neil. You are not putting that in our home.”

Our home.

Neil didn’t think he’d once heard Andrew refer to it that way. He usually called it ‘the apartment’. It was just semantics, of course. At the end of the day, it didn’t matter what they called it. It was four walls and a roof, a reasonably short drive from both of their teams’ Exy courts, with affordable rent considering their careers.

But it was more than that. It was also the first place they were going to share with no looming expiration date. The first place they were both going to live together by their own choice. It was proof that their relationship was more than just the convenience and circumstance of two people who happened to share a dorm and experience mutual attraction. It was a physical manifestation of all the effort they had consistently put in to stay together even when it would have been much easier to allow themselves to drift apart.

“What are you smiling at?” Andrew asked.

“You.” Neil said cheekily.

Andrew rolled his eyes. “764%.”

“You know, at some point the number just loses all meaning.” Neil said. “Really, what’s the difference between 763% and 764%? One of these days it’s going to get to a thousand percent and I bet you still aren’t going to kill me.”

Though Neil knew that wasn’t what the percentages meant, not anymore. Even when Andrew had first said it, 90% of the time I want to kill you, it had never been literal. It had been Andrew’s way of confronting his feelings before he was ready to accept the vulnerability that came with them. He could cover up his sentimentality with a layer of teasing. At this point, a raised percentage was a term of endearment masked as an insult.

“Do not tempt me.” Andrew said.

“I think you like it when I do.” Neil brought his mouth within millimeters of Andrew’s neck, close enough that Andrew could feel Neil’s warm breath on his skin, right above what Neil knew was Andrew’s favorite spot to be kissed. Neil heard the slight hitch in Andrew’s breathing. He could almost feel Andrew’s pulse speed up. Satisfied at the response, Neil pulled away with a smug grin.

Andrew glared. Neil laughed, then dropped a kiss on Andrew’s neck. He may have wanted to tease Andrew, but now that his point had been proven, he wouldn’t withhold the kiss. He wasn’t evil, just mildly annoying.

Their outing was nowhere near as productive as they’d hoped, but Neil wasn’t about to complain. They were at an impasse on the Exy themed coat rack. They picked out a bed, because neither of them wanted to be stuck sleeping on the floor, and a few other miscellaneous pieces of furniture, but they’d either have to make another trip or hire an interior decorator. Personally, Neil was encouraging the latter option. Though if their second trip to IKEA went much like their first, well, Neil wouldn’t mind.

Their first night in their new apartment (their new home!) was pretty normal. They got takeout, piled up blankets on the living room floor in lieu of a couch and watched TV into the late hours of the night, and once they were too tired to pay attention to the TV, they fell asleep on the floor, too exhausted to get up and drag themselves to the bed they had bought for this exact purpose. If Neil had more energy, he’d have used it to make fun of Andrew for insisting on picking the bed today only to fall asleep on a makeshift pile of blankets. But Neil was warm and comfortable and wrapped up in Andrew’s arms, so instead he let himself drift off to sleep.

They’d have tomorrow, after all.

They’d have all the time in the world.

Chapter Text

Neil was sitting on the couch, flipping through old Exy tapes when Andrew walked in with the groceries. Neil got up to help him put away the groceries and did a double take.

Because a pair of scraggly, feral cats were following Andrew around the apartment. Neil entered the kitchen and the cats immediately hissed. They took a protective stance in front of Andrew, who slowly took off his coat and boots.

“Um. Andrew?” Neil asked.

“Hm?” Andrew seemed unusually focused on putting away the ice cream. Neil would have teased him for the copious amount he had bought, but at the moment he had other priorities. Did Andrew not notice the cats?

“What are those?”

“Cats.”

Neil rolled his eyes. He wasn’t sure why he had expected a straight answer from Andrew. “I can see that. Why are they in our apartment?”

Andrew shrugged. “They followed me here.”

One of the cats gave a high pitched meow, and Andrew crouched down to pet it, his expression softening. The tiny creature bumped it’s head against Andrew’s open hand, and Andrew tilted his head in curious contentment.

It may or may not have been the most adorable thing Neil had ever seen.

Still, Neil needed answers. “Andrew.”

Andrew finally looked up. The cat he had been petting let out a loud purr, and the other cat curled around Andrew’s leg. “I found them in the dumpster outside the grocery store. I fed them, and they followed me.”

The purring cat licked Andrew’s hand, and Andrew smiled down at it. He looked soft and relaxed and… happy.

Neil felt his resolve crumble. “You want to keep them?”

Andrew, with one cat in his arms and a second wrapped around his leg, smoothed his expression into impassivity, and Neil held back a laugh. In his best attempt at casualty, Andrew said, “They would freeze to death if we kicked them out.”

Andrew definitely wanted to keep them; they both knew that. But Neil, being the little shit he was, would make Andrew admit it aloud.

“We could bring them to a shelter.” Neil teased.

One of the cats mewed pitifully. Andrew narrowed his eyes and said, “We are keeping them.”

Neil laughed. “Okay, okay. What are their names?”

“Cat 1 and Cat 2.” Andrew deadpanned. The cat he held was beginning to fall asleep, and Andrew held it out closer to Neil. Neil slowly inched forward, expecting the cat to bite him. Andrew snorted in annoyance, but he didn’t rush Neil.

Neil’s fingers gently grazed the cat’s fur, and to his relief, the cat just relaxed further into Andrew’s arms. Neil couldn’t blame it - Andrew’s arms were his safe place too.

The cat was kind of cute, now that it wasn’t hissing and baring it’s teeth at him. It was small and bony, it’s coat matted with dirt and melted snow, but it had wide, pleading eyes and soft, fluffy fur. Neil had never thought of himself as a cat person, or an animal person in general, but he could see himself being a these specific cats person.

“We’re not calling our cats Cat 1 and Cat 2.” Neil said, and he could swear Andrew almost smiled at the phrase our cats.

“Then you name them.” Andrew responded. “You have more experience coming up with names, anyway.”

“Temporary names.” Neil argued. “For myself. Not names that other creatures will be stuck with for the rest of their lives.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “I am sure you can’t come up with anything worse than Cat 1 and Cat 2.”

“Is that a challenge?” Neil asked, and Andrew lightly shoved him in the shoulder.

Still, Neil had no idea where to begin. When Mary and Neil decided on their next fake names, they would usually just pick out a random name from Wikipedia’s ‘100 most common baby names’ list for whatever country they were moving to. He didn’t think that would be a good way to name the cats, unless he wanted to own cats named Carl and Richard.

Though, in hindsight, he might’ve been better off just doing that.

Anything would’ve been a better idea than asking the Foxes for help.

Foxes Group Chat:

Neil: *photo of the cats*

Neil: what should I name them?

Nicky: OMGOMGOMGOMG NEILLLL

Nicky: 😍 😍 😍

Nicky: THEY’RE ADORABLE SKHAHLSHKAGSKHASL

Aaron: They look like they have rabies

Nicky: *disliked They look like they have rabies*

Matt: *disliked They look like they have rabies*

Dan: *disliked They look like they have rabies*

Allison: *disliked They look like they have rabies*

Aaron: well I guess I’ll just fuck right off then. Don’t call me when you’re dying of rabies.

Allison: ok ok neil what r ur ideas so far?

Neil: Andrew suggested Cat 1 and Cat 2. I came up with Carl and Richard.

Matt: NEIL 😨 😨 😨

Allison: neil that’s atrocious

Renee: Carl and Richard are perfectly respectable names

Allison: not for CATS they absolutely are not

Matt: don’t u dare name those adorable creatures that

Dan: we’re not gonna talk about Cat 1 and Cat 2?

Matt: I try not to think about that for my own sanity

Neil: Are you going to help me or not?

Matt: Pumpkin

Matt: Peanut

Matt: Bean

Allison: do u have any not food related names?

Matt: 😑

Matt: Tom

Neil: how is that any better than Carl or Richard?

Matt: like Tom from Tom and Jerry?

Dan: oh good idea Matt

Dan: on that note: Garfield, Mufasa, Simba, Salem, Crookshanks, Meowth, Aslan

Neil: I only recognize one of those

Nicky: which one???

Matt: we are having a mandatory movie night next time u visit

Kevin: Bastet and Sekhmet.

Nicky: ?????

Kevin: They are the Egyptian gods of cats.

Allison: Neil do not listen to Kevin

Dan: I think Carl and Richard are better than that

Nicky: Sir Meower The Ruthless

Neil: why did I think any of you would be helpful

Nicky: nooo Neil wait

Nicky: The Great Mouseketeer

Nicky: Sir Fat Cat McCatterson

Nicky: Sir Isaac Mewton. The Great Catsby. King Fluffkins

Matt: Nicky u are a GENIUS

Neil: Carl and Richard it is

Allison: lets vote on it

Allison: *liked Sir Fat Cat McCatterson*

Allison: I need to believe that in some universe Andrew Minyard would own a cat named Sir Fat Cat McCatterson

Dan: *liked Sir Fat Cat McCatterson*

Matt: *liked Sir Fat Cat McCatterson*

Renee: *liked Sir Fat Cat McCatterson*

Nicky: *liked Sir Fat Cat McCatterson*

Kevin: you can’t vote for your own suggestion

Nicky: yes I can

Allison: yes he can

Aaron: …

Aaron: *liked Sir Fat Cat McCatterson*

Dan: ur still here?

Nicky: YAYYY THNX CUZZZZ

Aaron: I exist for one reason only and that reason is to torture Josten

Allison: the results are in and the decision is unanimous

Matt: Sir Fat Cat McCatterson sweep!

Dan: we need a second name

Renee: I like King Fluffkins

Allison: *liked I like King Fluffkins*

Matt: *liked I like King Fluffkins*

Dan: *liked I like King Fluffkins*

Nicky: *liked I like King Fluffkins*

Aaron: *liked I like King Fluffkins*

Allison: Kevin?

Kevin: *liked Bastet and Sekhmet.*

Allison: fukc u

Matt: neilio u are now the proud owner of Sir Fat Cat McCatterson and King Fluffkins

What the hell, okay.

Neil closed his phone and looked up at Andrew. “Have you checked the group chat?”

“You know I have it muted.” Andrew said.

Unfortunately, Neil did know that. Which would make it so much harder to explain the names.

“Well, um. I have names for the cats.” Neil said. Andrew nodded for Neil to continue, and Neil tried to keep his face solemnly serious. “They’re, uh. King Fluffkins and Sir Fat Cat McCatterson.”

Andrew did not say anything. Neil only managed to keep his own expression blank for about three more seconds.

Andrew had no such compunctions. He stared for at least two minutes straight, and Neil was starting to get concerned.

“Drew? What do you think?” One of the cats jumped up at Neil, nibbling at Neil’s index finger, and Neil decided, “This one is Sir Fat Cat McCatterson.” Pointing at the cat in Andrew’s arms, Neil added, “You’re holding King Fluffkins.”

Andrew’s eyes shot to King Fluffkins, then narrowed on Sir Fat Cat McCatterson. “King-” Andrew coughed. “King Fluffkins. And. Sir Fat-” A small breath escaped through his teeth, and Andrew barely rushed out, “Sir Fat Cat McCatterson,” before he burst into hysterical laughter.

And now Neil was the one staring. It had become commonplace for Andrew to give Neil small smiles or to snort in amusement when Neil cracked a joke, but Neil hadn’t heard him laugh since-

Well. Neil pushed that thought out of his mind.

Andrew’s shoulders were shaking, his head slightly bent down, loud bouts of laughter filling the room. It was a little rough around the edges, Andrew’s vocal cords long out of practice, and every few seconds were punctuated with short breathy gasps for air. It was scratchy and halting and very obviously something Andrew was unexperienced in.

It was the most beautiful thing Neil had ever heard.

Andrew was smiling so widely that Neil could see all his teeth. It lit up Andrew’s entire face. His dimples were more prominent than Neil had ever seen them and his gorgeous green-gold eyes were wide and carefree. Neil thought that if he could just stand there and watch this for the rest of his life, he’d die happy.

King Fluffkins jumped out of Andrew’s arms and onto his shoulder, pawing at his neck, and Andrew laughed louder, clutching his stomach. The joyful sound was infectious, and soon Neil was laughing too. At some point, Neil had dropped to his knees, and Andrew placed his hand on Neil’s shoulder, shoving his head into Neil’s neck, leaning his weight onto him. They ended up piled haphazardly against the wall, still laughing uncontrollably, the cats nudging them curiously. Whenever they thought they were starting to calm down, one of them would call for one of the cats and they’d descend back into vivacious laughter.

Neil didn’t think he’d ever let loose so fully. He’d never felt so unable to control himself, and yet somehow so completely safe. He was in his own home, a place that belonged to him and Andrew, and Andrew was right alongside him, both of their walls finally crumbling into unrecognizable pieces, left in dusty ruins between them.

As far as Neil was concerned, nothing existed except for the two of them. The entire world shrunk down to the size of their tiny New York apartment, four walls and a roof, two cats, and Neil and Andrew. Time itself became meaningless, and Neil wasn’t sure if they stayed huddled like that for seconds or minutes or centuries. An asteroid could’ve hit Earth and wiped out the rest of humanity, hordes of zombies could be descending on the building at this very moment, and Neil wouldn’t have noticed.

Finally, their laughter petered out, and Neil met Andrew’s eyes. Andrew grinned back, and Neil melted a little.

And then Andrew froze. His smile dropped and he slumped forward, still in Neil’s arms. Neil wasn’t sure if he should pull Andrew closer or let him go.

“Do you want me to let go?” Neil asked.

Andrew shook his head against Neil’s chest, then rasped out, “Don’t.”

So Neil held Andrew tight, and Andrew simply sagged against him for a few minutes. Neil had no idea what had happened. One moment they were laughing into each other’s shoulders, and the next Andrew was silently clutching at Neil like a drowning man grasping for a life raft. Crouching on the parquet floor was a little uncomfortable, but Andrew didn’t seem to mind, so Neil ignored it for now.

After maybe five minutes, Andrew’s hold began to loosen, and Neil took the sign that Andrew was ready to move. Neil stood, pulling Andrew up, and Andrew followed.

“What’s wrong?” Neil asked.

Andrew didn’t say anything. Neil didn’t know how to help Andrew, but for now, he could at least make him comfortable. He led Andrew to the couch, and when Andrew sat down, Neil wrapped a thick blanket around his shoulders.

Neil took a step away, and Andrew tugged on his arm. Neil dropped a kiss on his forehead and said, “I’ll be right back.”

Andrew nodded. Neil went to the kitchen, where half their groceries were still spread out over the counters. He ignored them, digging through the drawers until he found the hot cocoa mix. He prepared two mugs, pouring spoonfuls of Andrew’s favorite sweetener into both. Neil liked hot cocoa, though he preferred his with little to no sugar. The bitterness of the unsweetened chocolate mixed with the warm texture was perfect for a cold winter day.

But the second mug wasn’t for himself, not really. One cup of hot cocoa was rarely enough for Andrew. Two cups were ideal, sometimes three depending on his mood. But in this situation, Neil didn’t think Andrew would want to get up and make himself a second helping, and he was too stubborn to ask Neil to bring him seconds.

So Neil prepared two cups of hot cocoa, purposely putting too much sweetener into both, and when Andrew inevitably began craving his second mug, Neil would take a sip, proclaim it was too sweet, and give it over to Andrew. This wasn’t the first time he had done this, and Neil was pretty sure Andrew could tell what Neil was up to, but they had both wordlessly accepted it as one of many compromises in which Neil got to take care of Andrew and Andrew could pretend that wasn’t the case.

Neil finished making the hot cocoa, and at the last second, he decided to grab a pint of ice cream out of the freezer. Andrew liked to mix ice cream into his hot cocoa, creating a disgustingly sweet, half-melted concoction of a drink. It looked completely unappetizing to Neil, but then again, so did half of the desserts that Andrew was so fond of.

Neil walked back into the living room to find Andrew with Sir Fat Cat McCatterson in his lap, running his fingers through the cat’s grimy fur. Neil set a mental reminder to bathe the cats after this, but for now, Andrew took priority.

Neil set the cocoa and ice cream down in front of Andrew, then headed for the fireplace. Andrew grabbed a fistful of Neil’s shirt before he could get too far and said, “Stay.” His voice was a little scratchy from exercising muscles that had long been dormant.

“I’m just going to turn on the fireplace.” Neil said. He flipped the switch then walked back to Andrew, settling down beside him on the couch.

Andrew adjusted the blanket so it covered the both of them, then pulled Neil closer, “So we can both fit under the blanket.”

Neil snorted. “If you say so.”

Andrew glared, but after a few seconds, his expression reverted back to blankness.

Neil ran his fingers down Andrew’s arm until he reached Andrew’s hand. He clasped it tightly and asked, “What happened?”

Andrew stared into the burning fireplace for a few seconds, then said, “I laughed.”

Neil nodded reassuringly, letting Andrew know he’d wait for as long as it took for Andrew to find the words.

Finally, Andrew continued. “I have not done that since- I mean, I don’t think it has ever been like this.”

“Like this?” Neil asked.

“It has never been good.” Andrew explained. “I mean, for about three years it was forced onto me by the drugs, usually as a panic response. The drugs were supposed to keep me blissed out, and when things got particularly bad, the only way they could keep me docile was to make me laugh.”

Neil remembered Andrew laughing hysterically, half-undressed and covered in blood as Drake lay dead beside him, and he felt an uncontrollable burst of anger toward a man who was long dead.

Andrew kept going. “And before the drugs, I never really had reason to laugh. I forced it in front of Cass sometimes, to keep her from worrying. But laughing was just another way of covering for Drake. It always felt wrong, even after I left.” Andrew squeezed Neil’s hand.

“Does it still feel wrong?” Neil asked.

“I don’t know.” Andrew said. “I don’t think so. But I don’t know how it is supposed to feel.”

“There’s no ‘supposed to’. You feel how you feel.” Neil paused for a second, then asked, “Did you like how it felt?”

Andrew went quiet for a few minutes. He turned away from the fireplace, his gaze lingering on Neil’s face. It dragged along his scars, then stopped at his eyes. Finally, Andrew said, “Yes.” After another few seconds he added, “Well, while we were laughing. Afterwards it felt… not wrong, but weird? I felt drained.”

“And now?”

“It’s good.” Andrew said. “I feel good.”

Neil smiled at him, and Andrew smiled back. Neil felt utterly warm inside, and he decided to blame it on the heat from the blanket and fireplace. Neil’s heart stuttered for a moment, and he coughed, breaking the moment.

Andrew kissed Neil on the nose, then grabbed Neil’s hot cocoa and drank it. Neil hadn’t even done his whole ‘pretending to take a sip’ charade yet!

“How’d you know?” Neil asked.

“The sweetener is white. Your usual plain hot cocoa is dark brown, but both of these are lighter.”

Neil had known that Andrew was aware of his hot cocoa trick, but he was surprised Andrew acknowledged it. The wordless acceptance was much easier to pretend away as a coincidence.

But maybe that was the point. Maybe Andrew was trying to show Neil that he was aware of and still accepted Neil’s care.

Neil’s love, because even if they’ve never said it out loud, they both knew that’s what it was.

Andrew flicked Neil in the forehead. “Staring.”

Neil grinned. “Always.”

Both of them knew that Neil wasn’t referring to the staring. This was proven further when Andrew pulled Neil in, kissed Neil stupid, and whispered against Neil’s lips, “Always.”