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Banhammer and Medkit file a divorce

Summary:

Banhammer and Medkit get into an argument after Banhammer finds out about his past work with Scythe and Broker.

Notes:

unfinished and also i don't really know how to write a divorce my friend suggested me to write this as a joke

Chapter 1: Argument

Chapter Text

Medkit and Banhammer sat in the living room about to leave for their divorce appointment; they could still cancel it. “Are you still serious about this? I thought you were better than this.” Medkit glared at Banhammer with disgust. Banhammer turned to face Medkit, “Would’ve lasted longer if you didn’t stab us all in the back creating that weapon for Scythe.” Banhammer paused for a moment, “Subspace was right about you.”

“What the fuck did you say?” Medkit started to get irritated, “After all I’ve done for you this is what you say!?” Banhammer chuckled, “I should’a known you’d be like this from the start.”
“And what does that mean, meathead?” Medkit replied.

“Listen, I do not care that you lost an eye from that incident, you did what benefited you and only you. Blackrock still would’ve been more neutral, and I would have less goons to chase after.” Banhammer said. “I know you’ve worked with Broker too, so why should I believe anything you say?” Medkit took a pause of silence.

“I apologize now but it was for the funds, I’m already on my way to the grave and I just want to be at peace again.” Medkit said sorrowly. “Hmm, yet still Rocket is happy and he’s lost two of his limbs. He’s reckless and a stubborn kid but at least-” Banhammer said. “Hold that thought.” Medkit interrupted. “You can go through with this but.. I’ll make sure to sign a contract with Scythe.” Medkit commented. “Yadda, yadda, I lost my eye boohoo!” Banhammer mocked, “That’s what you sound like.. Rudolph.” Banhammer snickered trying to hold back his laughter. “You know what, fuck you, let’s get this over with.” Medkit packed his bag. They waited for their Uber to pick them up.

“Suh’ dude, c-cmon *hic* take a seat.” Traffic was barely awake. “Fucking hell not this guy.” Medkit murmured. “We can find another driver but then we’ll have to move the divorce to later.” Banhammer replied, “So it’s not in your best interest.” They both take a seat down refusing to look at eachother.

“Traffic, if you drunk drive I will send you straight to the Banlands.” Banhammer threatened, “In fact, I can lower your cage closer to the molten lava 'if ya want.” Traffic threw his bottle of alcohol out of the car window which nearly hit Boombox. “Bro what the hell are you doing!” Boombox yelled. All Traffic could say was a nervous “..oops..”

Medkit was on his phone but he got a text message “yo wsg medkit but uh i need to be picked up rn.” Medkits eyes opened a bit, “Sword needs to be picked up, sorry if it’s a nuisance, I’m not tipping you.” Banhammer looked at Medkit, saying nothing.

 

Sword entered the car sitting besides Banhammer at the back seats of the car, Medkit was in the passenger and Traffic in the driver's seat. “So uhh, what’s exactly going on?” Sword nervously looked out at the window. “Medkit’s a selfish traitor, he’s a sellout, a fraud.” Banhammer declared. “Oh absolutely fuck you.” Medkit replied. “Uhmm…right, right.”

“How are you and Rocket doing?” Banhammer asked, trying to move on to a different subject.
“Great actually! We both got MVP today! It was great, and also-”
“I don’t care.” Medkit said. “That one was unnecessary.” Banhammer scolded, “I’m glad I’m leaving you.” Sword had almost forgotten, “Wait right! I had almost.. forgotten.” Sword said somberly. Before either Medkit and Banhammer could get a word in, Sword reached his stop, “Thanks for the ride guys! And uhh.. good luck on.. whatever..this is..’kay, bye!” He left swarming out.

They had finally made it, now awaiting for Ghostwalker in the office, “You’re a nuisance to heal.” Medkit scolded. “Vinestaff is better at healing anyways. You should retire, you’d have more free time and I wouldn’t have to see you ever again.” Banhammer said. “I do not think I will.” Medkit looked away.

“Let’s continue with the plan.” Ghostwalker said after putting down the paper. Sign this and get it over with.” He sipped a glass of coffee clearly tired out of his mind. “Finally I won’t have to meet this jackass at home every day.” Banhammer smiled, “Same thing goes to you, nerd, see ya sucker!” He chuckled.