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Nick felt like someone had wrapped blankets around his head.  He felt too warm and confused and also completely panicked.  Something was very wrong.  He was crying and he couldn't remember why.  Someone else was crying too, he could hear it distantly through the fog in his brain.  There was a warm hand on his shoulder.  

"I don't feel well," he said quietly.

"I know, Nick, I know.  This will wear off soon."

He couldn't move his arm.  Why wouldn't his arm move?  "My arm?  What's wrong with my arm?"  He could feel it and it hurt, it hurt rather a lot.  But he couldn't move it.   Fingers, yes, he could wiggle his fingers and open and close a fist.  Why did his arm hurt so much?  There was beeping, and it was bright in the room.  Monitors, plastic bags hanging on metal racks.  Hospital?  Hospital.  

The truck.  But the truck had missed them.  But something else, something else had happened, right, something that hurt?   He couldn't remember.  He just remembered surprise and pain and Charlie's voice.

"Charlie!" he screamed suddenly.  "Where is Charlie?  Is he okay?"

The hand on his shoulder moved to his face.  "Charlie's fine, Nick, Charlie's okay.  He's a little bruised and scraped up but you're the one who really got hurt."

Nick sagged into the bed.  The hospital bed.  That's where he was.  His arm was in a cast and it hurt worse than anything he could ever remember feeling.   It started to come back to him - the walk, the truck, something hitting them, and then waking up with Charlie there and he'd said.... "oh god, Tara."

"Do you need me to call the nurse?"

Nick shook his head.  "No, I just.... I just remembered some of the stuff I said to Charlie when I was coming around."

"You were really out of it," Tara agreed diplomatically.

"Tara.  That's such a fucking cop out and you know it."  He sighed and wiggled his fingers again.  He had one hell of an itch just above his elbow.  And his entire arm panged.  "What do I do?"

"They gave me a whole packet of instructions for your after care, and I already messaged your section leads and the coaches."

"Not about my fucking arm, Tara!"  He flinched at his own tone.  "But also, thank you. For doing all that.   But what the fuck do I do about Charlie?"

"Apologize and give him some space?  He knows you didn't mean it."

Nick really wanted to drop his head into his left hand.  "Tara?"  She looked up at him expectantly.  "I did though.  You know I did."

"I know you care about Charlie a lot, Nick–
"

"No, Tara, I am in love with Charlie.  And I think you’ve known that for a while.”

Tara sighed and stood up to push his hair back out of his eyes.  “I wasn’t sure if you knew it, Nick, to be honest.  But yeah, it’s been pretty obvious to me and Darcy for a while. And also, you know, I wasn’t sure what it means for you to be in love with a guy when you are also straight.”

"I'm not straight, Tara."  He dropped his eyes to the blanket across his hips.  It felt so strange to say it out loud. She blinked at him and asked when he discovered this.  He knew she expected him to say something like six months ago or when I met Charlie .  But instead, he said, "I think I was about 15?  Sometime around then is when I figured out that I'm bi."

Tara started pacing the small room.  "And you never told us?"

"I've literally never told anyone until you just now."

Silence filled the room, only broken by the beeps of the machinery.  "But Nick, why?  I mean, your best friends are a lesbian couple and an out gay man.  Did you think we wouldn't accept you?"

"It was easier not to?  And look, before you start, I can already hear Darcy screaming at me about 'bi erasure' and 'comp het', but it was just... I like girls and I like guys and it was just easier, you know, to just be with girls and then I didn't have to deal with any of it."  He shrugged.  "I could just be the friendly ally at Pride and at the LGBTQ+ social club and I wouldn't have to worry about my teammates or my family or just general assholes in the world having an opinion about my sexuality."

"Wow." Tara stared at her feet for several minutes.  "I'm... Nick, I appreciate you trusting me with that.  But also, I am... a bit angry with you right now." 

He picked at the blanket.  "Yeah.  Me too." 

"Like, I want to be supportive and tell you that no one should have to come out before they're ready.  But Nick, we've been close friends since we were 16, which means you already knew this when we started hanging out again really and you never shared it with me in like five years and I don't know how I feel about that."

"I never intended to come out at all.  Like, ever.  I figured that eventually I would meet a girl I wanted to spend my life with and none of this would matter and I would never have to tell anyone."  The itch above his left elbow made him want to tear his arm off.  “And then I met Charlie.”

“But that was almost two years ago, Nick!”

“Yeah.”  He looked up and for a minute he thought he saw Charlie’s face through the little window in the door of the recovery room, but when it opened it was the doctor.   The doctor described to him in graphic detail what she had done to his arm and then said to schedule a followup appointment in two weeks to get the hard cast off and to start setting up weekly PT in four weeks.   Nick was relieved to see that Tara was writing this all down.  Afterward the nurse came back with what seemed like forty bottles of meds and a chart showing what he should take when and for how long.  She warned him to take it easy on the painkillers and that he would likely be out of it for the next two days, until the pain was down to manageable levels.  

Tara asked the nurse a few things he couldn’t quite grasp as the first dose of pain killers numbed his elbow but also his brain.  It seemed like two hours had passed and then Tara was trying to get him to put a pair of joggers on, which was surprisingly difficult to do one-handed and she ended up having to help him.  She tied his shoes for him and pointed out he would need to break out the slip-on Vans for a while.  

Once the packing was in hand, Tara checked her phone and let him know that Isaac had messaged to say that Charlie was sleeping and that everyone hoped Nick was okay.  He nodded miserably.  He fell asleep in the taxi and Tara shook him awake.  It took her and Darcy working together to guide him up the stairs.  The painkillers had him completely fuzzed out.  He woke around 3am and saw that he had a text from Charlie.

Charlie:  Isaac said they discharged you and you’re home and resting. I’m glad.

Nick: Please come around when you wake up. 

He managed to get his pants down so he could relieve himself.  He still couldn’t take another dose of painkillers for another 3 hours and his elbow was killing him.  He pulled up a movie on his laptop and finally dozed back off.  When he woke up again, it was just after 7 and Darcy was shaking him gently by the shoulder. 

“I’m sorry to wake you, Nicky, but you need to stay on schedule with the pain relief and antibiotics.  We’ve got like four different kinds of meds you have to take on different schedules.  Thank god for Tara; she left very detailed instructions.”

He staggered to the bathroom again to have a wee, brush his teeth, and awkwardly wash his hands.  Darcy brought him some juice, toast, and a banana to get the different types of meds down so that he wasn’t taking it all on an empty stomach.  When she took the dishes away he turned his phone over.

Charlie:  I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Nick:  Please Charlie.  I need to talk to you.

He flipped through his other messages from teammates, his coaches.  A couple of his instructors had gotten back to him and let him know they understood that he might need a couple of days to rest.  He slowly changed his pants and put on a fresh pair of joggers.  He needed a shower but he’d tried three times to read the instructions on how to protect his cast in the shower and his brain refused to absorb the information.  Darcy brought him a cup of tea and arranged a stack of pillows on the sofa so he could rest his elbow without so much strain in his shoulder.  He nodded off again, waking with a start when someone knocked on the door.  

“Charlie!” he shouted, jumping to his feet.   But it was his mother; Tara had called her and she’d driven up that morning.  She hugged him and fussed over him and filled their sad student fridge with groceries and started the oven heating for a casserole she’d brought for them.  The girls chatted with her in the kitchen as he tried to stay conscious in the living room. 

Charlie:  I can’t talk to you right now 

Only Tara saw him throw the phone across the room, but Darcy and his mom both saw him burst into tears.  Tara grabbed her girlfriend and they both disappeared from the flat.  His mother sat next to him and held his right hand.  “Oh baby, what’s wrong honey?  This doesn’t seem like it’s about your arm.”

“You remember Charlie?”

“The lovely boy who stayed with us during the holidays?  Of course I remember him, a very charming young man.”

“Yeah,” Nick sobbed.  And then he told her everything. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Fall  (Charlie’s first year, Nick’s second)

He hadn’t known what to expect really, except that everyone had told him that university was generally a lot more open and accepting than his stodgy secondary school had been.  He had been reassured by the size of the LGBTQ+ booth at the student activities fair. But being at one of the events and seeing dozens of people in colorful pins milling around, chatting, dancing – it seemed like a dream come true.  One of the older students, George, introduced himself and walked Charlie around a bit, giving him the opportunity to meet several other students.  A couple of guys flirted with him a bit, which blew his mind a little.  His prior experiences with flirting had been careful, furtive – not guys just straight up telling him he was cute and asking for his number after ten minutes of conversation.  It was rather thrilling. 

A blond ball of energy that he recognized from one of his courses bounced over to him and announced herself as Darcy, and then introduced him to her girlfriend Tara.  The two of them were eager for him to meet an old friend of theirs from school, a stand-up bloke who’d always looked after them in secondary school and baked cakes, if you could believe it.  A tall man with a broad back and arms that Charlie instinctively wanted to bite.  That was not normal, right, wanting to sink your teeth into someone? But the thought was there.  A man who turned around and smiled like the sun coming up when he saw them approaching.  A man with soft hazel eyes and an abundance of freckles and a physique like —

A man who was wearing an ‘ally’ pin.

Charlie felt himself deflate, but he still smiled gamely and learned that the unattainable hottie was named Nick, he played rugby, and he was studying to be a teacher.  After a few minutes, Darcy carted him off to introduce him to another group of first years and he chided himself for looking for Nick in the crowd for the next hour or so as he met more and more people.  He even let himself be talked onto the dance floor for a while, which was fun until some guy he had just met two minutes before – Jack maybe? – started to get a little handsy.  It was a bit of a blur and he was beginning to feel overwhelmed.

He grabbed a beer and headed out the back and found a bench where he could relax in the relative quiet.  There were people out and about, stumbling home from other parties or heading out to start their evenings, distant laughter, a glass bottle breaking somewhere, a group of giggly girls singing, but for the most part he was alone with his thoughts and his drink and the cool evening air. 

“Is it okay if I join you?” Unattainable Hottie asked as he sat at the other end of the bench.

“Sure,” Charlie allowed. 

For a few minutes, they just silently people watched together.  “The socials are great, but they get overwhelming after a while.  So much noise, so many people.”

Charlie laughed.  “Thank you!  I feel so much less ridiculous about it now.  Don’t get me wrong, I was having a blast, but it’s so busy.  I won’t even remember the names of half the people I met in there by tomorrow.”

Nick gave him a look.  “They’ll remember you,” he said quietly.

What was that?  Was Nick flirting with him?  “Excuse me?”

“You… you have a distinctive look.  You’re just…”  He waved a hand at Charlie in a sweeping motion.  “You know what, ignore me.  I’ve had too much of Darcy’s punch to say anything coherent.” 

“Well, that’s your first mistake.  Never drink the mystery punch.  I learned that lesson the hard way.”

“I mean, I think that’s a rite of passage.”

“Yes, but you’re supposed to learn from experience, Nick.” 

“So, I’m in the half whose names you do remember, then?”

“You have a distinctive look,” Charlie teased and Nick blushed.  Actually blushed.  This man is straight , Charlie forcefully reminded himself.  “Not a lot of sporty guys in there,” he said, to cover himself.  “A few runners probably or, like, rowers, but not a lot of rugby lads.”

“I think there’s still a lot of pressure on guys to keep it quiet in the locker room,” Nick agreed quietly.  

“That’s too bad.  Do you like playing rugby?” he asked, deciding to change the subject.  That got Nick going, talking about his experience playing as a kid and the scholarship he got to play at uni, but that he didn’t plan on pursuing it past that.  It was fun, but it wasn’t going to be his career or anything.  From there they talked about career plans and life plans and traded stories about school and where they’d grown up – just a few towns over from each other.  Before Charlie knew it, an hour had passed and Darcy showed up to cajole both of them back inside. 

He had another drink, danced a little more, got two more numbers, and then decided it was time to go home.  On his way out, he passed Nick near the doors, helping organize escorts home for students who had overindulged.  The two of them ended up escorting a trio of extremely inebriated lesbians back to their flat, which was only a few minutes walk from his own shared flat.  

“I should get back,” Nick said shyly.  “I have my own little pod of lesbians to escort home.  I share a flat with Tara and Darcy.”

“I have three flatmates,” Charlie told him.  “You know, we do a movie night every Wednesday, if you ever wanted to join us.  It’s social but not nearly so overwhelming.”  He didn’t know where that boldness had come from.  Maybe just knowing that Nick was straight and that it couldn’t go anywhere made it easier to just… get to know him as a person, instead of a potential partner. 

“That sounds great, actually,” Nick told him and handed his phone over to add his contact info. 

“Charlie Spring,” he read when he took his phone back.  “That is an excellent name.”

“Don’t forget to text me your info,” Charlie reminded him and bid him a reluctant goodnight.  When he got to the corner and turned right he saw that Nick was still standing there watching him.  He waved and Nick waved back.  

“Oh my god, you met someone!” Isaac crowed the second he got in the door. 

“10 quid says he’s straight,” James called out from the kitchen. 

“Shut up, James.”

“That means I’m right .”  James emerged in glittering mesh glory.  “Charlie, the night is young.  Come out with me and meet someone who is one thousand percent interested in backing that ass up.”

“Oh my god, James, no thank you.  I am all peopled out for the night.  You go have fun.”

“I intend to, babes.”  He blew them both kisses and traipsed out of the flat.  

Unknown number:  Hi Charlie, this is Nick.  Nick Nelson from tonight. 

Unknown number:  Movie night sounds really cool.  Thanks for inviting me.  Send me the details?

Charlie: 7pm.  I’ll send my address.  Bring a snack to share and an open mind.  My friend Tao has very particular taste in movies.

Nick: See you then!

Isaac brought him a cup of tea and Charlie settled in with his own book and the two of them read in silence for several minutes, but eventually the weight of Isaac’s glances got to be too much.  Charlie sighed and lowered his book.  

“His name is Nick Nelson, like he has a comic book superhero cover name and he looks like one too, and he’s marvelous and he just has this one, you know, minor flaw.  Which is that he’s straight.”  Charlie sipped his tea and avoided making eye contact.  “I mean, we can still be friends, right?”

“Sure babe, that’s going to go great for you,” Isaac replied.

Charlie groaned and stared at his tea.  As much as he hated to admit it, Isaac had a point.  So he picked up his phone and scrolled through the new contacts he had collected.   Sam… Sam had been nice – cute, flirty but not gross.  

Charlie:  Hey Sam, this is Charlie. We met at the social tonight.  Would you like to get coffee sometime?

“There, see, I am not obsessing over another straight guy,” he argued, showing Isaac the text.

Isaac nodded as he hummed and turned back to his book.  Charlie slumped into the couch, drank his tea, and tried to concentrate on his own reading.  But mostly he kept thinking about how ‘Nick Nelson’ was just an incredible name. 

Chapter Text

For the fourth day in a row, Charlie woke up and told himself he wasn’t going to think about Nick.  And for the fourth day in a row, he immediately failed.  Isaac smeared his back with antibacterial ointment and put on a fresh pad of gauze.  Every time he bent or twisted, a scab would break open.  He was going to scar.  His right hand ached so badly he could barely hold a pencil or a drumstick.  

And that wasn’t even getting into the ache in his heart, the constant pain in his chest every time he thought about Saturday afternoon.   Nick had finally stopped texting him.  Tara told Elle who told Tao who told him that Sarah had come to town for a few days to look after Nick until he was off the heaviest of the meds and he was now going to go back to class.   Which meant that Charlie needed to change his usual routes to class to avoid running into him. 

“Can’t you just talk to him?” Isaac asked as they had their morning coffee.  

“Yes Isaac, nothing in the world I want more than to hear Nick apologise for telling me he loved me.”  Saying the words aloud was like stabbing his scabby hand with a fork. 

“Charlie, are you really planning on just never speaking to him again?”

“I don’t know what else to do right now, Isaac.”  All the options were equally painful.  Talking to Nick?  Horrifying.  Never talking to Nick again?  Unthinkable. He forced himself to eat a cup of yoghurt and shouldered his backpack.  He slid his hands under the straps on his shoulders to take the pressure off his tender back.  It was another beautiful, sunny spring day and he hated it.  He wanted rain and gloom to match his mood.  He made his way across campus and about halfway to his destination he saw him.  Nick was carrying some sort of satchel instead of his backpack and it suddenly hit Charlie that he probably couldn’t wear anything on his shoulders because of the sling.  He moved slowly, head down, shoulders hunched.  A very different posture from the easy gait, head back, squinting against the sun that Charlie was used to seeing. 

Charlie hadn’t seen Nick since the hospital and seeing him now sent endorphins flooding through his system.  He chastised himself for being a hapless idiot, but there it was.  He loved Nick and being with him even as his pathetic, pining bestie was better than nothing.  He took a deep breath and jogged over to Nick, falling into step with him without speaking. 

“Charlie?” Nick stopped walking and turned to stare at him.

“No parking on the pavement, Nick,” Charlie scolded him.  He kept walking so that Nick had to keep walking too.  And so that all the other students shuffling toward their ten o’clock lectures didn’t crash into them. 

“Charlie, I –”

“We’re not going to talk about it,” Charlie decided as he spoke.  “We are both going to pretend it didn’t happen.”  He glanced up at Nick, whose face looked completely shattered for some reason.  He had expected relief.  

“If that’s what you want, Charlie,” Nick said quietly.  “Will I see you in the library later?”

They usually studied together on Wednesday afternoons.  Charlie couldn’t think of a good reason not to meet up with him. And he also missed him so fucking much.  It was ridiculous really.  He attended his lecture, retreated to the student lounge to eat the lunch Tao had made for him.  Usually he made his own lunches for the week on Sunday, little containers of cheese and crackers and vegetables or fruit, but given how despondent he’d been on Sunday Tao had done it for him.  They had been friends since they were 11; Tao knew what Charlie would and would not eat.  

It almost doesn’t matter , he mused as he nibbled and reviewed his notes for his afternoon class.  It felt like he had lost his sense of taste in the accident.  Everything felt muted and colourless, flavourless.  He only managed to eat about half of his food, but it was enough to fuel him through until library time.  Settled into the carrel in the back that Nick preferred, his hunger clawed at his stomach and was almost grounding.  This was what he deserved, after all, this whole stupid thing was his fault.  He’d spent almost two years shamelessly flirting with a man who would never want him and even worse, he had allowed himself to fall in love with him. He pressed his back into the chair and savoured the way the slats crushed into his wounds.

“Charlie, doesn’t that hurt?” Nick asked, dropping his right hand on Charlie’s shoulder. 

Charlie ignored him and got his laptop out.  They worked in silence for a while.  Nick’s right knee kept brushing against his thigh as they sat.  He was bouncing his leg which meant he was worked up about something.  Finally Charlie lowered his hand to Nick’s thigh without looking and just said, “Breathe, Nick.”  He listened to Nick’s deep inhale and slow exhale and reluctantly removed his palm from the thick mass of his friend’s leg.  He fumbled in his bag and put the remaining cheese and grapes from his lunch on the table top.  “I think you need to eat,” he told Nick, steadfastly refusing to take his eyes off his screen and ignoring his own internal rumblings. 

Nick sighed, but he opened the container and fished out a couple of pieces of cheddar. A few minutes later, his watch pealed out tunefully and he tapped it with a groan.  “Fuck.  Can you help me with my meds, please?  I can’t open them myself.” Nick yanked up the satchel again and Charlie noted how the movement seemed to make him wince.  He swiped open a note on his phone with instructions and lined four bottles up on the table.   

Charlie read the note on his phone, popped the child-safe tops, and tipped out the anti-inflammatory, the antibiotic, the blood clot prevention, the –

“Not that one,” Nick said tightly. 

“But Tara’s note says–”

“That one knocks me out.  I’m only taking it before bed.”   He slipped his right hand under his left elbow and very carefully rolled his shoulder up back and down a few times while Charlie searched the satchel for Nick’s water bottle. 

“Eat the rest of that,” Charlie instructed after Nick methodically took his three pills.  “And you should probably drink the rest of that water.  I’ll refill the bottle.” 

“Only if you eat some too, Charlie.  You’re not eating.”  He said it quietly, his eyes fixed on the gauze patch across the back of Charlie’s right hand.  

Charlie shrugged.  “I’ll eat tonight.”

“Oh right, pizza and movie night,” Nick replied, his voice wistful.  “I mean, if I’m still invited.” 

Charlie nodded and swept the pill bottles back into Nick’s bag.  They worked for another hour and then he helped Nick pack up and they walked together toward Charlie’s apartment.  If Tao, James, and Isaac were surprised to see Nick, they were good enough not to show it.  Knowing that both Nick and Isaac were watching, he ate two slices of pizza.  And when Tao started the film, he sat on the couch with Nick, like he would have done before everything had gone sideways. 

Halfway through the movie, Nick began to nod off.  Isaac wordlessly got up and returned with a pillow from Charlie’s bed and deposited it on Charlie’s lap moments before Nick nearly pitched forward off the couch and James jumped up to help gently guide him to laying down with his head pillowed on Charlie.  He was about half awake and tried to protest, but James just petted him on the hip and he finally relaxed.  Despite himself, Charlie brought his hand up to glide over Nick’s damaged arm and Nick grabbed at his fingers and squeezed gently before he fell back into sleep. 

“Poor thing,” James mouthed at Charlie.  He looked down at Nick’s face, his brow furrowed and his teeth clenched even in sleep and wondered which of them James meant.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Fall and into Spring (Charlie’s first year, Nick’s second)

That did not go according to plan.  Everything had gone just fine during year one.  He’d hooked up with a couple of girls who were apparently very interested in rugby and had spent a few months in an on-again/off-again situationship thing with Ella, who was kind and funny and inventive… and who he tended to message any time he started to feel like maybe he was noticing a guy around campus too much.   Ella provided an excellent tactile reminder that he liked girls too.

Because he had noticed other guys around campus, had met a couple of cute boys at socials, had even had one bold fellow buy him a drink and chat him up at the pub he and the rugby lads went to after games.  Did he give off a vibe?  That whole thing had made him wonder and had made him a little anxious.  But all his teammates seemed to find it adorable that some ‘misguided’ dude had hit on him.  

At times he desperately, urgently wanted to confide in someone, anyone but it was just easier to bury it.  There were plenty of girls around – pretty girls, smart girls, girls with ambitions and goals, girls who smelled like cupcakes and spices, girls who made fascinating noises and left scratch marks on his shoulders. It was fine, it would be fine, he didn’t exactly have trouble meeting girls or getting girls to go back to his room.  He didn’t always have the greatest luck with having relationships with girls, which was kind of weird considering his longest friendship was with a girl.  But that was okay, he was young, he had time.  He was in his second year of school for christ’s sake; he didn’t need to find The One right now.   He could just find someone – or several someones – to distract him from dark curls and sparkling blue eyes and that knowing grin. 

A smart man might have ‘forgotten’ to text his contact info and been unreachable.  A wise man might have come up with some excuse not to go to a recurring social event in his crush’s flat.   A man with a well-formed sense of self-preservation  would certainly not have started meeting up with Charlie Spring several times a week to study, to eat lunch on the quad, to get laps run around him at the track.  

But Nick quickly realised that when it came to Charlie Spring, he was a complete idiot.  So instead of avoiding him or distancing himself or doing anything less potentially self-destructive, he sent him several messages and adorable animal videos every day.  For one thing, the videos buried the occasional message Charlie sent about the dates he went on. 

He strongly suspected that Charlie had a crush on him too, which just added to the agony of it.  After a few drinks, it was impossible to miss the way Charlie looked at him. Even when sober, Charlie would drop the occasional teasing remark about his arms or his hair or his preference for quote “bum enhancing” joggers.  

Grace came along to drinks after a rugby match, a cousin of one of his teammates.  She was a first year, reading chemistry.  She was smart and warm and had hair the colour of honey.  The two of them ended up seated next to each other at the pub, and then again the next week, and the week after that.  He got her number and took her out for drinks, and then to dinner the next week, and then to bed the week after. And it was all fine.  They didn’t laugh much and he suspected she thought him a little dull – he was a little dull, after all.  But they had a pleasant time together and the sex was… adequate. He did his best to make it good for her, which was the important part.  

Tara and Darcy were always friendly with Grace, but he got the impression they weren’t wild about her.  “She just seems so… straight,” Darcy explained, which just made him laugh.  Of course she was. 

Boyfriends and girlfriends weren’t allowed at Tao’s movie nights, and he and Charlie rarely talked about Grace.  But the three of them did meet up sometimes for lunch, or really Nick would forget that he’d made plans with Grace and show up with Charlie on the quad to find her there at one of the tables with her patient smile.  Unlike Nick, Charlie did make Grace laugh.  

Nick never met any of the guys Charlie dated.  If not for the occasional joke from James on movie night or the infrequent text from Charlie indicating that he couldn’t meet up because he had a date, or bland ‘went out, it was fine’ type of response to a ‘how was your evening’ text, he might have thought that his friend just didn’t date.   No one seemed to last for more than a few weeks.  Grace tried to get more out of Charlie, but he dodged giving details.    

“I don’t know why it never seems to work out for Charlie,” he made the mistake of saying one night after he and Grace had met up with Charlie and Tao for a drink.  

“Do you not?” she asked him.

Nick shrugged.  “He’s smart, he’s cute, he’s funny.  He’s always got guys swarming around him at the queer socials.”

Grace leveled him with a look he couldn’t quite read.  “Perhaps he’s, you know, not…compatible in the bedroom with the men he dates.”

That got a snort out of him and he immediately realised that there was really no good way to say to your girlfriend that you thought it was unlikely that your platonic bestie was anything less than an exquisite lay.   “I mean, based on things I’ve heard James say, that seems unlikely.”

She smirked and he hoped he’d managed to salvage the situation.  And James did make remarks about Charlie’s…bedroom antics on movie nights sometimes.  Remarks he resolutely tried not to dwell on.  And definitely did not recast himself in the scenarios that he would imagine vividly alone in his bed at night. Though occasionally when he could tell James had really upset Charlie, he would punch him gently on the shoulder and tease him about it, he’s lucky you gave him the time of day, Tao can put in his earbuds if it bothers him, James is just jealous because you're so much hotter , dumb little nonsense like that.  Which usually got a grin out of Charlie.  

Winter break came and went.  He and Grace didn’t talk much over the break – she went on holiday with her family to Switzerland.  He and Charlie texted every day, his own Christmas was pretty great other than a few awkward interactions with his asshole older brother.  Charlie seemed to have a less great time of it, and Nick was incredibly tempted to drive the twenty miles to pick him up and bring him to his mother’s house, but he knew that would be altogether out of bounds. 

Back at uni, life picked back up again.  Monday night shag sessions with Grace, Tuesday night study group, Wednesday movie nights with Charlie, Thursdays with Grace, Friday resting up before rugby, Saturday night rugby bacchanal with Grace, Sunday furiously working to get ready for the week ahead.  Lunches and afternoon study sessions with Charlie.  Rugby practice and running track with Charlie.  The monthly socials, which Grace declared it ‘cute’ that he went to; she never joined in.  Every once in a while, he got a text from Ella, but he told her he was still with Grace and she backed off and said ‘maybe next time’. 

One Saturday night, or maybe it was early Sunday morning, he was cuddled up post-coital with Grace when his phone started buzzing – James was calling him .  At one in the morning. That couldn’t be good. 

“Can you come over, like, right now ?  Something’s wrong with Charlie and everyone else is out and I don’t know what to do.”

“Isaac is out?” He wasn’t sure why that was the first thing he asked.  It was just shocking.  As far as he could tell, Isaac moved in a triangle between the flat, his lecture hall, and the library.  “What’s wrong with Charlie?  Do you need to go to A&E?  Should I meet you there?”

“I don’t know, I don’t think so, but like I don’t know, can you please just come over Nick, I am not – just please.”

He was already getting up.  “I mean, of course, give me like fifteen minutes to get over there.”

“You’re going out now?” Grace asked lazily from the bed as he scrambled to collect his clothes from the floor.  

“Yeah, James says something happened to Charlie.”

Grace sat up.  “Charlie has three roommates, how is this your problem?”

“I don’t know yet, do I?  And Charlie's not my problem , he’s my friend.”

“Sorry, that was bitchy,” she acknowledged, “Go help Charlie.”  

He jogged over and when he approached the door to Charlie’s flat he heard raised voices.  Charlie answered the door with a bag of ice clutched to the side of his face.  “I cannot BELIEVE James called you!” he shouted as he threw the door open.  

“Charlie, Jesus Christ what happened?”

“The guy punched him, Nick.  He punched him.  I don’t know what to do.  I thought, you know, rugby guy, you might know what to do when someone punches you in the face.”

He looked at Charlie’s angry, swollen face carefully.  “How long have you been icing it?”

“Since we got home, I guess,” Charlie said.

“Okay, that’s too much.  Twenty minutes on, twenty minutes off.”  He took the ice from Charlie and set it on the counter.  “I’m going to touch your face.  I’ll try to be gentle.” 

Charlie clenched his jaw and nodded.  “Relax your jaw.  Can you breathe through both nostrils?”  Charlie nodded.  Nick gently ran his fingers down Charlie’s temple, around the swelling above his orbital bone, down his cheek.  Nothing felt out of place, or jagged, just swollen and cold from the ice.  Charlie’s face was perfect.  “How is your vision? Blurry?  Can you see out of both eyes?” 

“It’s fine, Nick.  I’m fine.  I mean, my face fucking hurts, but it’s okay.  It’s not the first time I’ve told someone no and they’ve reacted badly.  I mean, usually not this badly.”  Charlie shook just slightly and Nick knew it was probably a bad idea but he folded him into a tight hug.

“Fucking hell, Charlie.”  He clung to him for a few breaths and then forced himself to let go.  “I don’t think your eye will blacken but you’re going to be swollen for a few days and it’s likely going to bruise.  Keep icing it for the next day or two, but no more than twenty minutes at a time.  Take some panadol and don’t sleep on that side.”

“Bruising eh?” Charlie grinned.  “That’s going to do wonders for my dating life.”

“You could just cover it with glitter,” Nick teased back.  Knowing Charlie was going to be okay, he actually took in his friend’s appearance.  He hadn’t known it was possible to wear tighter jeans than Charlie wore day-to-day but the ones he had on might as well be tights the way they hugged his calves.  The cropped vest exposed his taut olive stomach, and there were traces of golden glitter at the corners of his kohl-lined eyes.   It wasn’t a look Nick was going to forget soon.  “And give James a break, okay, he was worried about you.”

Charlie rolled his eyes and turned to James, who had been watching the entire interaction with rapt attention.  “Fine, James, thank you for calling our friend who knows all about taking hits to the face to come take care of me.” 

“You’re welcome,” James sassed.  “God, I need a cuppa.  Anyone else?”

It was two in the morning, but why not, Nick mused.  Apparently, Isaac was on some sort of reading sleepover with his library friends and Tao had gone to see his long-distance sometimes girlfriend.  Charlie explained that they’d been together off and on since around year 11, but since she was in an art school several counties over they kept deciding it wasn’t workable before promptly deciding they couldn’t do without each other and reconnecting.

“So much drama,” James weighed in.  “They’re totally getting married once they finish school.” 

“Don’t be a dick, James.”

“I’m not.  I mean, just because I don’t believe in marriage for me doesn’t mean I’m opposed to it in principle.  I mean, you’re totally getting married someday, Chaz.”

Charlie rolled his eyes and then winced.  “Shut up, James.  God my face hurts.”

Nick tried and failed to avoid imagining Charlie in a tux, standing across an aisle from him.  That was never going to happen, he reminded himself.  He would meet someone lovely and get married in his thirties and have a couple of kids and no one would ever know that he had once fallen in love with a man. He looked at his watch.  He should go home, he needed sleep, he needed Grace to get up and leave so he could take a shower and have a long wank thinking about slowly divesting Charlie of his wedding tuxedo.  

“Put the ice on again, take some ibuprofen, and get some sleep.”  He stood and stretched.  Charlie stood as well and reached for Nick’s empty tea cup.  He couldn’t stop himself from gently touching Charlie’s swollen face again and then somehow his hands crept up over Charlie’s ears and his fingers clutched at his curls and he planted a kiss on Charlie’s forehead.  “Please look after yourself, Charlie,” he whispered.  He cleared his throat and took a step back.  Both James and Charlie looked at him wide-eyed.  “Well, goodnight!” he said, scratching at the back of his neck. 

Grace groaned and rolled over to blink at him as he got back into bed.  “Your boyfriend okay, Nicky?”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” Nick grumbled as he smashed his face into the pillow and tried again not to think about Charlie’s face or the fact that he now had golden glitter on his palms. 

“It’s too late to argue,” Grace whispered, and he heard her breath even back out as she fell back asleep.  When she gently ended things with him before the spring term break, he wasn’t surprised.  She was nice about it and they agreed to remain friends although actually they never really spoke again.  He felt guilty though.  He never actually wronged Grace, but he’d never loved her.  Maybe he’d never even really given himself the option of loving her.  Could he even be in love with two people at the same time?  

Maybe he was going to have to make himself get over Charlie before he dated again.  

Chapter Text

Getting the cast off was a huge relief, even if it still hurt to move his arm much.   They took some x-rays and showed him how to wrap it for stability.  He would still need to use the sling when walking.  He is told to rest it for two more weeks and then start PT.  There were a bunch of remarks about how he would be fit to return to rugby in the fall and he didn't bother to explain that he'd be out of uni then, on to teacher training.  His rugby days would be over.  This was it for him.  He still had to go to practice and sit on the sidelines and be a good teammate and cheer for the lads, but he would never make another try.  Right after the accident he had been so focused on the pain and on Charlie that he hadn't really absorbed everything else that had been taken from him.

"Come on, buddy, you look like you need a drink.  I know you haven't had one in weeks," Darcy insisted, tugging at his good hand.   He kept stretching and flexing as they walked.  The muscle definition in his arms was already slackening and the doctor had told him no lifting until his PT cleared it.  

They met Tara at the pub and he slowly sipped at a pint.  The girls were quiet and finally Darcy sighed and asked, "Are we allowed to talk about it now?"

"You told her?" he asked Tara.  He didn't make it an accusation.  He couldn't blame her for telling her girlfriend.

"Sorry but yes, I needed to talk it through with someone.  And I am sorry, I don't think I handled it particularly well when you told me."

"Yeah," he said in return.  “I don’t think I made it very easy for you either.”

"So, you figured out you had these feelings when you were like 15 or 16, but you've never, like.... explored those feelings?" Darcy asked.

"Darcy!  Nick, you don't have to answer that."

He took a deep breath.  "No, that's okay.  I mean, maybe it's good for me to talk about this.  But yeah, I... my family does this summer trip to Spain every year, and the summer before I started uni there was this guy..."

Rodolfo was there on holiday with his family as well.  They met at the ice cream stand near the beach and ended up going for a drink.  Nick wasn't sure exactly what Rodolfo's intentions were, or at least he wasn't until after a couple of cocktails when he pulled Nick into the alley and kissed him hard. It was shocking and invigorating and he kissed back ferociously.  The next evening, Rodolfo had snuck him into his room at his family's vacation villa while everyone else was out to dinner.  Nick wasn't sure if guys just gave better blow jobs, or if Rodolfo was especially gifted, but he was really glad the house was empty given the amount of noise he made.  He returned the favour with enthusiasm if not skill.  The next evening Rodolfo taught him a few things about how to do a better job. The night after that, Rodolfo had wanted to take things a little further but Nick hadn't been able to relax enough for that to happen and Rodolfo didn't want to hurt him, so they had fun in other ways.  The next morning, Rodolfo's family headed home and Nick realized he may have missed his chance to ever do that with anyone.  

Two days later as he was packing up, David had darkened his door and pointedly asked if Nick had enjoyed his summer of discovery.  Nick pretended not to know what his older brother was getting at, but obviously they hadn’t been as careful as he thought.  David laughed at him and said youthful experimentation was one thing but that he’d better keep it on the down low if he wanted their dad to pay for university. 

He told the girls a heavily sanitized version of the story.   But added that as much as that experience had been amazing, sex with women was also great.  Which obviously, they didn't argue with.

"Look, Nick, I mean I get it.  Coming out is hard.  But we'll be there for you when you're ready," Darcy said, petting his hand.

"I'm not going to," he told them.  "I'm sticking with the plan, like I told Tara.  What's the point?  Charlie isn't interested, so why turn my whole life upside down for some theoretical person I may never find just to end up with a woman anyway?"

The girls stared at him.  Darcy threw up her hands.  "Okay, first of all, that is insane.   You're just going to stay in the closet your whole life?"

"Darcy, think about how fantastic your coming out experience was.  Yeah, my mom is accepting and you guys are accepting.  But what about my father, my brother, my teammates, the parents at the schools where I want to teach, my future bosses?  I have the option to just not deal with it, and maybe that makes me a coward or a shit ally, but I am not prepared to deal with that. It's not worth it."

"You could find a job at a more inclusive school, Nick.   And does rugby really even factor in as a consideration any more?"  Tara asked gently.

He scraped his chair back.  "Thanks for rubbing it in, Tara.  I'm very aware of the fact that I will never play rugby again."

"What about Charlie?"  Tara scowled at him.  "Is he not worth it?"

He stood up and grabbed his bag. "Charlie doesn't want my love.  He made that crystal clear."  

He ignored their calls after him as he jogged out of the pub, rounded a corner to find somewhere to sit and pull himself together.  Then he got out his phone and texted Ella.  It had been ages, but he still saw her around campus sometimes and they still liked and commented on each other’s socials.  They had parted on good terms.  

He started back toward his flat while he waited for her to text him back.  He had to walk by the rugby pitch on the way and he felt nauseated.  The field was empty but there were people running on the track that looped around it.  One of the figures on the track halted and turned to face him and came hurtling across the quad toward him.

Charlie.

Charlie in running gear so Nick could see his sculpted legs, Charlie with sweat collecting in his clavicles, Charlie's curls plastered to the edges of his face.  Charlie panting and shiny eyed and smiling at him with his mouth open and his tongue tucked into the corner of his lips.  What exactly, he wondered, had he done to deserve this constant torture, committed a genocide in a previous life?   

"You got your cast off!"  Nick had forgotten to put his sling back on.  He hoped it was still stuffed in his bag.  Charlie beamed at him and ran his fingers over the inside of Nick's elbow.  "Sorry!" he said when Nick jerked away at the intensity of the sensation that ran through his arm in response to Charlie’s touch.  

He ignored Charlie's apology and rubbed at the area himself.  "Yeah, I'm supposed to 'rest it', whatever that means and then start PT in two weeks."  He shrugged.  "The doctor kept talking about how they'd have me back to rugby next season."

"Oh Nick."  Of course Charlie understood him immediately.  

"Yeah."

"God that sucks."  He pushed a hand through his sweaty hair and Nick bit his bottom lip.  Charlie’s hand had finally healed; there were still thin pink lines that Nick hoped would fade with time.  "Why don't I get cleaned up and then I can buy you a drink? Or we could watch, like, Iron Man or something?   Take your mind off it all?"

He could think of so many ways that Charlie could take his mind off it.  Charlie with his hair still damp and his skin still warmed from the shower, curled up with him on the couch.  Wouldn’t Charlie like to make him feel all better?  He shook himself.  That wasn’t going to happen, was never going to happen.  He might have imagined that Charlie had a crush on him, and maybe he had once, but obviously he didn’t really want him.  Would it be enough to just sit with him and have a laugh like the Before Times?

Nick's phone buzzed.  Ella.  Could he be at hers in 20 minutes? He looked at Charlie and thought hard about how to answer.  

An hour later Ella looked him over and huffed a laugh.  "Wow.  I mean, thank you, but do you want to tell me what that was about?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Spring  (Charlie’s first year, Nick’s second)

"Charlie, I know that guy was legit scary, but are you just never going out again?" James whined.  He had been pushing Charlie for weeks to get back out there with him.   Charlie had been on two dates with a guy he'd met at a social and it had been fun and he’d gotten off on the second date but it was all so uninspiring.   He might as well just take care of things himself; he couldn't be arsed lately.

"It's not about that," Isaac chimed in from behind his book.

"O.M.G.  Nick and Grace split up!" James immediately deduced.

"Oh, Charlie, really?" Tao wailed from the kitchen.  "He's straight.  He's been very clear about being straight."

"Super duper clear.  Nick is the straightest.  When he's not feeling Charlie up or mooning at him from across the room," James tossed out.

"Feeling you up?! What the hell, Charlie?"

"He did not feel me up , he checked me for injuries."

"I'm going to remember that one," James shot back.  "Hey baby, come around back with me, I gotta check you for injuries.  You got any sensitive areas you'd like me to probe?  Shall I kiss you all better?"   Isaac snorted with glee and set his book down to wipe his eyes.  

"I hate all of you, just to be clear."  He stalked off to his room and slammed the door.  He stared at his rumpled bed and his jumbled closet and pulled out a few pieces and burst back into the common room ten minutes later in his skinniest jeans and his tiniest crop top and with gold liner around his eyes.  “Fine, let’s go.”

James literally jumped for joy and grabbed him around the shoulders.  “Come on then, love, let’s go find you someone to make you forget all about you-know-who – at least for an hour or two.”

“Please, I’ll be lucky to get twenty minutes, Jamesy.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Nick: Hey when you wake up can you come help me with something

Nick: Never mind it’s stupid ignore me

Charlie dropped the phone on the mattress and groaned.  Of course he was going to rush right over there because he was fucking hopeless.  He rinsed off, scrubbed fruitlessly at the glitter left behind after his night out with James, and threw on a pair of shorts and a faded concert tee.  He checked the weather on his watch and grabbed one of the half dozen Nick hoodies that he migrated into his closet, the blue one with the Superdry logo and the big kangaroo pocket on the front.  

He ran into Darcy as he got close to the flat.  “Springtime!” she shouted and hugged him hard.  “We haven’t seen you in yonks.  Where have you been?  Nick has been so fucking miserable without you around.”

He tried to smile.  “Oh, I mean, we’ve hung out some.  I don’t think it’s me, I think it’s the injury probably?  And he really misses rugby.”

“Sure,” she replied flatly.  “I am sure that’s it.”  He goggled at her as she glared at him for a second, then she shook it off and smiled.  “His mom is coming by today and for some reason it’s got him all worked up.  Tara and I would help but we’ve both got stuff going on today.  I’m glad you’re here to talk him down.”

“Yeah, well when Nick calls I answer, I guess.”

Darcy gave him an appraising look.  “See you around, Charlie.” 

In the flat, Nick had dumped what appeared to be the contents of every cupboard onto the counter and was scrambling around in the cabinet under the sink.  “I can’t find the bundt pan,” he announced wretchedly.  “I’m trying to make that coffee cake my mom likes, and I can’t find the pan.”

“Okay, first of all, it will taste terrific no matter what pan you make it in.  Second, isn’t your mum going to bring, like, forty things for you guys to eat?  I don’t think you need to make her a cake.”

“I just wanted to do something to say thank you? She took like three days off of work to look after me.”

He reached down and laid a hand on Nick’s shoulder.  “Nick, she’s your mum and she loves you.  Of course she came to take care of you. I’m….. I’m sorry I wasn’t around more those first few days. I wish I had handled things better.”

Nick slumped under his touch and sat back on the floor. “Yeah me too,” he whispered and the bitterness in his voice hit Charlie like a smack across the face.  

He wanted to argue, ask Nick exactly how he thought he was supposed to react to his stream of drug-induced bullshit but he looked at his friend strewn out on the dingy linoleum and he couldn’t bring himself to yell at him.  “Come on, let’s put the kitchen back together before she gets here.”

They sorted the pans and bowls back out, hips and shoulders bumping occasionally.  Every once in a while, Nick’s hand would press gently but firmly against his back to get him to move so Nick could open a cabinet.  He also noticed that Nick started cradling his left elbow. 

“You’re doing too much, Nick.  Go sit and rest your arm.  I’ll finish this up and make us some coffee.”  Nick protested until Charlie physically pushed him out of the little alley kitchen a few times.  He put away the whisk and the last few stirring spoons and put the butter back in the fridge while the coffee pot sputtered away.  He found a fresh box of oat milk in there and suddenly flashed back to that morning, before everything went to hell.  “You restocked the oat milk,” he said quietly. 

Nick was right behind him. He wasn’t sure when that had happened.  Or when he had started crying. But tears streamed down his face and his breath hitched.  Nick put an arm around Charlie’s waist and drew him back so he could shut the refrigerator door.  And then he kept his arm there and enveloped Charlie from behind, burying his face in the back of Charlie’s neck.  “I hoped you would come back,” he sighed.  He felt Nick’s tears in his hair.  

“I thought you were going to die!” Charlie wailed.  It all hit him again like a punch in the gut, Nick’s face going slack and the blood, he had never been so terrified in his entire life. It had been weeks, he chided himself as he helplessly sobbed, why was it all coming out now.  But he couldn’t stop, and Nick cradled him through it, rocking him and nuzzling into his neck.  Charlie turned around so he could bury his face in Nick’s shoulder, too worked up to be embarrassed by the way he was whimpering.  And Nick just kept rubbing his back with one hand and holding him tight with the other.  Eventually his tears petered out but Nick didn’t let him go and Charlie allowed himself to relax into it.  He suspected that neither of them wanted to break the embrace or the spell that seemed to have settled over them.

I love you so much he thought furiously as he rubbed his hot, damp face against Nick’s shirt.  Nick brought one hand to Charlie’s temple, then gently stroked his cheek with his thumb.  What are you DOING, Charlie? he asked himself as he turned so that he could push his face into Nick’s hand and press a kiss into his palm.   Nick stopped moving for a moment but then pressed back into him and Charlie felt his lips parting again like they had a mind of their own. 

“Nicky darling!”

They jumped back from each other.  Charlie sniffed and rubbed his hands over his face.  There was no way Sarah would miss that they’d been crying.   But because she was Sarah, she ignored it.  She hugged Nick tightly and kissed his cheek and then greeted Charlie with a hug and said how lovely it was to see him again.   Charlie offered to help her bring things in from the car and she took the opportunity alone with him to thank him for being such a good friend to her son.  

Charlie begged off of joining them for lunch and headed back to his flat.  He tried to work for a couple of hours before finally knocking on Isaac’s door.   He didn’t say anything, just climbed onto the bed next to Isaac and curled next to him on the quilt to read.  Isaac occasionally reached over and patted his knee.  After a few chapters, he put his book down and waited for Isaac to reach a natural stopping point as well.  “I think I’m ready to talk about it,” he said quietly. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Last Summer 

He had taken a job helping run the rugby summer camps that were held on campus.  He had been told he would be a 'junior coach' but apparently that mostly meant straightening the equipment room, running drills, and yelling at kids for playing around instead of paying attention.   It was exhausting but it was good experience and would look good on his CV when he started looking for teaching jobs.  

Tara and Darcy had both found summer jobs in town too, but Charlie's parents had wanted him home for the summer.  They texted almost every day.  There was a two week break in the summer camp schedule and happily it meant he would only overlap David's visit home by two days.  

It was every bit as pleasant as he'd expected -- David poked and prodded at him endlessly, wanting details of the girls he'd slept with and the parties he'd been to.  Lots of questions about the 'obvious fairy' in so many of his pictures.   He'd called David pathetic, told him how he was glad that his own masculinity wasn't so fragile.  He was happy and proud of his friendships and David could fuck off.  They had ended up having a huge blowout and it frustrated Nick to no end that his mother would scold David for using rude language and 'winding him up' but never called David out on his rampant homophobia.  So he'd ended up having a row with Sarah as well and stomping out of the house with Nellie.

Thirty minutes later, they collected Charlie from the train station and headed off on an epic walk that ended in a pub where the owners allowed pups on the patio. Nellie and Charlie had instantly fallen in love and she happily plopped down between their feet while they drank their pints.  They didn't talk much, it was enough just to have Charlie there.  Almost enough.  Charlie had spent time in the sun and his skin was darker, his lips redder, his hair longer.  The urge to touch him was almost overwhelming.

He allowed himself to grab Charlie's hand and thanked him for coming to meet him, telling him he was a good friend.  His phone started blowing up, his mother 'asking' him to please be home for tea.   He knew it was really a summons.  Because he felt like poking David as much as possible, he brought Charlie home with him.  Sarah and Charlie took to each other immediately and Nick grinned defiantly at David across the table as he gawped at his friend, unable to say anything he was thinking with Sarah right there.

"Not having you around this summer has sucked," Nick told him at the train station.  "I'm supposed to do this bonfire thing at the beach with a bunch of people from high school on Saturday.  Do you want to come with me?"

"Really?"  Charlie's eyes blazed at him.  "I love the beach!"

"Let's go spend the day and then we can meet them for the bonfire?"  Nick suggested.  

Charlie had nodded and thrown his arms around him and started to say something else, but his train pulled in so he scratched Nellie's ears and blew a kiss at Nick and hopped aboard.  

Saturday was terrific.  He picked Charlie up from the station and they drove down and parked for the day.  They laid on towels and read, they played arcade games on the boardwalk, they splashed around in the surf, they ate greasy fish and chips and drank pints of bitter and tried not to fall asleep on their towels in the sun.  Charlie drifted off for a while, which meant Nick got to study his face in repose.  He snuck a picture and then woke Charlie up before he could burn from too much sun.  They ran into the water to wake themselves back up again.  Charlie was a stronger swimmer than he was.  "That's not fair that you can swim laps and run laps around me," he protested.  

Charlie walked two fingers up Nick's arm.  "You're bigger and stronger, I'm faster."  And then he was back under the waves, popping up again several feet away and grinning.  Nick smiled back at him and stood still in the waist-deep water until he could get his reaction to Charlie under control.  When the sun started going down, they got back in the car and headed down the coast a bit to where his old friends were meeting.   The salt water had turned Charlie's hair wild and Nick couldn't stop himself from running his hands through his curls.  "I know I'm a mess."

"You're gorgeous and you know it," Nick said.

Charlie shot him a curious glance but didn't say anything as Nick pulled into the small car park.  Families were filing out for the day, leaving a few spaces.  Charlie shivered as they stepped out; the temperature had dropped as it got later.   Nick fished in the back and pulled up a blue pullover hoodie and threw it at Charlie.  "You could just ask you know, instead of trembling dramatically."  Charlie stuck his tongue out at him and pulled the sweatshirt over his head.   He fruitlessly tried to settle his hair and Nick grabbed his hand and dragged him down to where a blaze was already burning.  

He introduced Charlie to a few people, and caught up with a few friends.  But most of these people he'd barely kept up with once he got to uni on purpose.  They weren't close, had never been close.  Aside from Tara and Darcy, he'd really only had about three real friends and a couple of short-lived romantic relationships.  Secondary school had been pretty lonely.  After a couple of hours, he'd had enough.  He looked around for Charlie and saw that he'd walked a fair way from the fire and was standing just above the tide line, looking up at the stars.  Moonlight streamed over his face and he smiled when he saw Nick walking over.

"Sorry, you know how I always sneak away from the party."

"It's one of the things I like best about you," Nick replied.  He stood behind Charlie and snaked his hands into the kangaroo pocket of the hoodie.

"
Are you cold?"  Charlie asked.

"Some prat stole my sweatshirt," Nick replied.  

"You're never getting this one back," Charlie warned him.

Nick took a step closer so his chest pressed against Charlie's back. He felt Charlie startle and then relax.  The heat from his body felt good.  The brush of his curls against Nick's chin tickled pleasantly.  The breeze off the ocean made him close his eyes and breathe deep.  He wanted to kiss Charlie like he wanted to exhale, like it was essential to going on living.  "Charlie..." he whispered.

"Yeah Nick?"

"Nick!" someone shouted from up the beach.  "Livvy is here, come say hello."  

The moment was over.  He was suddenly aware that people were watching him cuddle a man.  He unwound himself from Charlie and rubbed the back of his neck.  "I kind of have to talk to this person.  But not for long, and then we'll go, okay?"

Charlie just gave him a sad little smile and said, "Sure Nick.  I'll be here when you're ready."

Chapter Text

The school year would be over before he knew it, and he knew he should be thinking about summer plans.   His original plan to help out at the rugby summer camps might be off the table if he couldn't demonstrate for shit.  He had finally started PT and gotten cleared to do extremely minimal weight work.   He had started running with Charlie again twice a week and combined with all the walking around campus, he'd managed to maintain most of his leg strength.  The loss of definition in his arms and shoulders was hard to take though.   Nick didn't think of himself as vain, but the truth was he'd always been proud of being in good shape and the loss of it was making him sad.  It certainly didn’t help that he’d finally heard from his father, who had said things like, ‘oh that is too bad; I had hoped to catch one of your games at last’ and ‘I hope your jeunes filles are taking good care of you.’  Was his father trying to be funny or did he really think Nick’s best friends were his, like, harem?  

Just in general, his mood had been pretty shit for the last month or so.  Things had returned to normal with Charlie, which was a double-edged sword.   On the one hand, it was wonderful having lunch and study breaks and movie nights with him, but that feeling of rejection still hung over every interaction.   Not to mention, he was still so confused by whatever had happened the day his mother had visited when they'd cried all over each other and Charlie had kissed his hand.  That didn't seem...friendly.  

"What are you worried about?" Charlie teased him when he showed up to walk over to the April LGBTQ+ social with Nick and the girls.  "That you might now only have the fifth fittest figure on campus instead of first place?"  Charlie poked him in the arm and smiled fondly.

He rolled his eyes at Charlie and went back to his room to try to find something he didn't hate to wear.  He could hear Charlie and Darcy laughing in the front room and for some reason it just made him feel like even more of a wet blanket.  He didn't want to go, he didn't know if he could be gracious and fun and watch everyone else laugh and dance and meet new people while he stood there wearing what felt like a mask, with a fake identity pinned to his chest.  Maybe Darcy had a point; maybe staying in the closet wasn't worth it no matter what.  He was beginning to lose track of who he even was any longer.  Nothing in his life made sense anymore.  

"Nick?"  His head snapped up as Charlie knocked on the door.  "Are you okay in there?"

He dropped his head back into his hands.  "I'm not going tonight."  He closed his eyes and sighed as he heard Charlie let himself in.  He felt the rock of the mattress as Charlie sat down next to him.  "Go on," he said quietly.  "I don't want to ruin everyone else's night.  There’s another social in what, two weeks, I’ll do that one okay?  I just can’t tonight."

"I could stay here with you," Charlie suggested.

Nick didn't trust himself to speak so he just shook his head.  Charlie patted his knee and stood.  "Okay Nick. Text me if you change your mind."

He flopped onto the bed when the door closed behind Charlie.   He put his earbuds in and tried to relax in the quiet of his lonely flat.  But suddenly he remembered what had happened the last time he insisted Charlie go to a social without him and he let himself scream into a pillow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

September (Charlie's second year, Nick's third year)

"Nick, you're burning up!"

"I know, Charlie.  I took some meds and Darcy already force fed me some chicken soup.  Go on and have fun.  There's no reason you should have to stay in just because I'm wrecked."

"If you're sure," Charlie folded a cool damp flannel over Nick's forehead.  "I could just stay here and we could watch a movie or something."   There was something so tempting about the idea of playing nurse to Nick.  An excuse to be cuddly and look after him and touch him, you know, to see if he was still feverish or check his pulse by applying his lips to his neck or –

"I don't want to get you sick,” Nick interrupted his Florence Nightingale in the Nude fantasy.  “Get out of here, seriously Charlie.  Go have a good time."

Charlie gave Nick one last look and forced himself to head out.  It was autumn and he'd been able to break out the grandad cardigans again.  He'd worn an old favorite of his for the occasion; he wasn't looking for a hookup.  Ever since he'd taken a fist to the face, he'd been hesitant to put himself out there.  He'd gone out with James a few times that spring but over the summer he had been a bit of a hermit.  Since the new school year had started, he had been on a few dates friends had set up so he had at least some assurance no one was going to hit him again.   But he just wasn't feeling it.  And yeah, he had a pretty good idea of why that was, but he wasn't ready to examine it too closely.

He danced, he met a couple of first years, and he chatted with some classmates.  He could feel someone looking at him.  When he glanced around he met the eyes of a tall stranger with dark blond hair.  Charlie smiled at the man despite himself and felt the smile widen as the guy approached.  "I'm Desmond," he said.  "But everyone calls me Des."

Des was studying engineering.  He was a first year, but he'd taken a gap year to travel through Europe, hiking and doing charity work.   He played guitar and the crossword.  He could dance.  He was fit as fuck.  And he wanted to have dinner with Charlie.   And then drinks.  And then dinner again.  And then two weeks later, he took Charlie to bed and had been extremely invested in making sure it was a good time for Charlie.

It was giddy and gratifying and James gave him endless grief over it, gently teasing him about how this new guy must be pretty great to have made him forget all about Nick.  Which of course he hadn't.  He still studied with Nick and ran with Nick and had lunch on the quad with Nick.  Nick still came to movie night.  Nick was happy for him, though they didn't talk about it much, and he didn't seem to like Des.   Charlie had invited Des to join them for lunch once and hadn't repeated that error; everyone was weirdly uncomfortable.  

Charlie hadn't had a boyfriend since sixth form and it was rather wonderful.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The social was lovely, as always, but he was having a hard time getting into peopling mode.  He kept thinking of Nick and how sad he'd seemed when they left.  He wasn't sure Nick's other friends got how awful it was for Nick to be immobilized and then even as he got a bit better to be unable to do one of the things he loved most.  He had always figured Nick would be one of those guys playing touch rugby in a social league well into his sixties or maybe volunteering to help coach a primary school team on top of his teaching.  

It certainly didn't help matters that Des was there.  They hadn't seen each other since January, and Charlie would have been happy to keep it that way.  He returned Des's greeting curtly and ignored his attempt to follow him and start up a conversation.   Charlie checked in with a few people he hadn't seen in a while, answered their questions about Nick and the accident, and as soon as he thought he could get away with it, he dipped.

This could be a very bad idea , he realized after he knocked.  Maybe Nick had just been trying to get them all out of the apartment because he had other plans?  Had he ditched them to go to some sort of sporty party?  Was Nick on the other side of that door with some girl?  But when he opened the door in his joggers and a vest, Charlie realized those other plans were apparently pizza and an old romcom on the sofa.  Without saying anything, he got Charlie a plate and a beer and brought them over the couch.  The two of them ate and drank in silence for a while, and then started arguing about the movie.  It was some sort of 90s Hugh Grant nonsense. Terrible.  But also great.  Charlie imitated Grant’s stammer and Nick elbowed him ineffectually to stop.

Charlie squirmed on the couch and Nick rolled his eyes at him.  “Go change into some of my joggers or something.  Those pants are too tight to be comfortable.” 

“The point is to get out of them as quickly as possible, you know,” Charle argued.

“Yes, I am aware.  Seriously, go put on something comfy before you permanently cut off the circulation to something important.” 

It felt incredibly intimate to rifle through Nick’s clothes.  He finally found a pair of sweat shorts with a drawstring so he could keep them from sliding right down his hips.   If pawing through Nick’s clothes had seemed personal, that was nothing compared to the sensation of pulling the shorts on over his legs.  It seemed like a completely different proposition than donning one of Nick’s hoodies. 

Nick had another movie all queued up for them and Charlie settled into the cushions and hugged a pillow over his lap. There was a fresh beer waiting on the table for him. 

“Better?”  Nick teased.

“Much.”

“I reckon you might actually need to breathe once in a while.”

“The things one does to look hot.”

“Please.  You’d look hot in a burlap sack.”

“Do you have any of those in the piles at the bottom of your wardrobe?”

They must have eventually fallen asleep there, Charlie realized.  He woke up cocooned in warmth. Nick was stretched out beside him on the couch, his head pillowed on Charlie's chest, one heavy thigh wedged between Charlie's knees.  One of the girls had thrown a blanket over them and turned off the telly.  They'd fallen asleep watching movies together before, but always sitting up.  He had no memory at all of how they'd become so entangled.  Part of him wanted to savour it and another part of him wanted to extract himself from the situation immediately.

He stretched and tried to gently wriggle out from under Nick, but Nick's left arm encircled his waist and squeezed.  "Stay."

Charlie froze. Was Nick awake?  Did he even know who he was talking to? “Nick, I should go.”

“Charlie, please stay.”

Definitely awake, definitely aware of who he was cuddling.  Charlie laid a tentative hand on Nick’s scalp and scratched him lightly.  “Okay Nick.” He stroked Nick’s hair.  “Nick, I think you should talk to someone.”

“Hmm?”  Nick sighed and tilted his head to look up at Charlie.  

His face was so close.  The temptation to kiss him was almost overwhelming.  “Like a sports psychologist?  I’ve been reading some things and I think you’re feeling sidelined?  I just… I worry about you.” 

He braced himself for Nick to be angry, but Nick just sighed again and closed his eyes.  “You worry about me?”

“Of course I worry about you, you numpty.  I worry about everything and you’re my best friend so you’re, like, top ten of things I worry about.” 

Nick rumbled a little laugh that shook Charlie all through.  “I’m flattered to rank so highly,” he teased.  “Dare I ask what the nine things are that outrank me?”

Charlie poked his shoulder.  “I didn’t say you were tenth, I said you were top ten.”

“So you’re not going to tell me where I stand?”

“You’re all ten, Nick,” Charlie teased back.  He thought to himself that it wasn’t entirely inaccurate.  He was at least four of the ten.  Maybe six.  “Will you?  Talk to someone?”

“It’s a good suggestion, I think.  Yeah, I’ll look into it.  Unless you want to send me your notes?  Do you already have a list of practitioners and their specialties and appointment schedules, ordered by their distance from campus?”

“Fuck off!”

“So that means yes?”

“I hate you.”

“I know.” Nick squeezed him and took a deep breath.  He slowly peeled himself up and away from Charlie and scratched the back of his neck.  Charlie stayed on his back looking up at his friend.  “Make us some coffee, yeah?” he requested before lumbering off to the bathroom. 

Charlie watched him walk away and stretched.  For the first time since the accident, it felt like maybe things between him and Nick were going to be okay.  

~~~~~~~~~

Winter Break (Charlie’s second year, Nick’s third year)

The winter holiday had been fun so far.  Nick had enjoyed a nice Christmas with his mother, and even David seemed to be on his best behavior.  His father had forgotten to call again, but that was no longer a surprise.   He baked cookies and took pictures of the dogs under the tree and sent Charlie selfies in a series of increasingly absurd Christmas jumpers. 

Charlie:  WHAT are you wearing?

Nick: Excuse me.  You wear ridiculous jumpers all the time!

Charlie:  My cardigans have flair.  Those jumpers are a CRIME

Charlie’s Christmas wasn’t as fun, full of pushy relatives and arguments with his mother.  Terrible bland food and the expectation to eat it.  His friends weren’t around either – Isaac and James had gone on holidays with their families, and Tao was with Elle at some holiday art thing in London.  On the 28th, he took the train to see Nick and stay with him for a couple of days.  Sarah was thrilled to see him, and even though Christmas had passed they made rollout cookies to decorate and Sarah made a lovely shepherd’s pie with their holiday leftovers that seemed to actually whet Charlie’s appetite.  They took the dogs on long walks and watched bad movies and drank mediocre wine.  One day Charlie even stole Nick’s bright green reindeer jumper to wear around and shocked Nick and delighted Sarah by breaking into a breathtaking and pitch-perfect rendition of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen.   

David had gone to France so Charlie could bunk in his room.  But that night he and Nick had fallen asleep in his bed watching Elf on his laptop.  At 3am on the 31st, Charlie’s phone started shuddering and pinging frantically, like he was getting a bombardment of phone calls and texts at the same time.  The whole thing was so startling that it distracted Nick from the fact that he had woken up with his body fully wrapped around Charlie.  Charlie shot upright and grabbed his phone.  “Oh god, there must be an emergency!”

He fumbled the buttons and accidentally turned on speaker.  “What’s wrong Des?  What happened?”

Desmond’s drunken voice boomed in the quiet of the room.  “Charlie I’m sorry!  I know you’re going to see the pictures and I’m sorry. It didn’t mean anything and I’m sorry.”

Nick knew that couldn’t be good. Also this conversation was none of his business. He sat up and squeezed Charlie’s hand supportively and started to move away, but Charlie gripped his hand hard.

“What pictures?”  Charlie asked quietly.  “What did you do, Des?”

“I – I told you about Ari, yeah?  My ex from school? We sort of ran into each other again and Charlie it was an accident, I swear.”

Charlie’s posture went rigid and his grip on Nick’s hand hurt but he didn’t let go.  “Are you trying to tell me that you accidentally fucked your ex?”

Des didn’t say anything.  Nick heard him huff and sniffle like he was crying.  He could feel his own body flooding with anger.  Keep your mouth shut, this is Charlie’s situation to handle, he reminded himself forcefully.  He squeezed Charlie’s hand back firmly. 

Charlie gave Des a full minute to answer, and then he sighed at the silence and said.  “Well, big of you to tell me yourself I guess.  I think you’ve got my copy of Circe so bring that by the flat sometime?  You can just leave it by the door.”

“Charlie, can we please talk about this?”

“No.”

“I made a mistake.”

“Yeah.  You did.”

“Charlie!”

“Goodbye Des”

He clicked off and put the phone on silent as it started buzzing with Desmond’s attempts to text and call him.  His grip on Nick’s hand finally slackened.  Nick wasn’t sure what to do or say, so he just flexed his hand a few times to get the circulation back and then ran it up and down Charlie’s back.  Charlie balled his fists on his knees and stared into the middle distance. 

“I’m going to bed,” he announced finally. 

“Charlie? What can I do?”

“I can’t talk about this right now, Nick.  Thank you.  You can… you can pretend not to hear me while I go have a good cry, okay?”  He pressed a finger against Nick’s mouth.  “I can feel you gearing up to give me some kind of pep talk and I appreciate that so much, but right now I just can’t, okay, I can’t.”  

Tears started to escape from the corners of Charlie’s eyes and Nick tamped down hard on the urge to grab him and cradle him and tell him that he was wonderful, that Des was an idiot, that Charlie would find someone better, someone who would love him forever – but Charlie had just told him not to do that so instead he just nodded and squeezed Charlie’s fingers again until Charlie pulled away, quietly closing the door behind him. 

Despite knowing it would just feed his fury, he grabbed his own phone and looked up Desmond’s IG account.  He had been tagged that day in a bunch of people’s photos, but as he scrolled the pictures began to increasingly feature one guy with dark curls and a wicked grin – Des clearly had a type.  A type who sat in his lap and wrapped his arms around him and kissed him and who prompted comments like ‘Des and Ari together again’ from their friends.  Right, he had clearly accidentally fucked this guy?!  What an asshole.  

Nick punched his pillow a few times and decided to take a shower in order to stop himself from bursting into David’s room to tell Charlie that Desmond wasn’t worth crying over, that he was an idiot who wasn’t fit to lick his boots, that he could love him so much better.   He tried and failed not to imagine comforting Charlie, crawling into bed next to him, kissing his neck, wrapping his arms around him, sneaking a hand under the waistband of his flannel pajamas.  He bit his lip, knowing how the sounds he made would echo off the tile.  Once he was spent and feeling calmer, he did crack open the door to David’s room.  Charlie was curled in on himself and his face was puffy, but he was asleep and Nick couldn’t bear to wake him.  He collapsed back in his own bed.  When he woke up in the morning, he discovered Charlie had taken an earlier train back to Rochester.  

~~~~~~

Top Ten Things Charlie Worries About

1. How is Nick today?
2. Did I remember to turn in that assignment?
3. Will I be able to eat normally today?
4. Am I looking at Nick too much?
5. Is what I just said stupid? 
6. Do I look a mess?
7. Does Nick think I look a mess?
8. Will I fail all my classes?
9. Is everyone mad at me?
10. Is Nick seeing anyone and just hasn’t told me?

Also, I had to remind myself what Hugh Grant looked like in the 90s, and boy did that send me down a rabbit hole… 

Chapter Text

Nick:  I took your advice

Nick:  And now I have a lot to think about

Charlie:  Is that why you're not at the library right now?

Nick:  Yes

Charlie:  I can tell you don't want to talk about it and I want to be clear that's okay.

Charlie:  I'm proud of you for going

Nick: I'm not ready to talk about it.  Maybe later.

Charlie: I'll be here if you're ever ready x

Nick: ❤️

That phrasing made Nick's heart stutter.  Did Charlie mean that about more than just him being willing to talk about therapy stuff?  He felt like maybe Charlie had said something like that to him before.  He was grateful that he'd been able to get in so quickly but after two hours of talking about his feelings he was exhausted.  He needed a nap, and he didn't want to speak to anyone for at least a day or two.

"You took a big step today, Nick," Tara had said to him as she handed him a cup of tea.  All he could do was nod and retreat to his room.  

He couldn't remember the last time he'd talked about himself that much.  It had taken him a few minutes to warm up to Dr. Kim, who had played football in school until he took a bad fall and tweaked his knee – so he understood where Nick was coming from.  It was the reason he'd gone into this sort of practice to begin with.  It wasn't at all unusual, Dr. Kim assured him, for high-achieving athletes to have a lot of their sense of self tied up with their performance on the field, their role on the team.  Nick was likely missing the endorphin release from the regular exercise, the sense of accomplishment when something went well on the pitch.  Not to mention the social aspect – the locker room banter, the drinks out, the shared sense of purpose.  

Eventually Nick admitted that his identity crisis wasn't entirely down to rugby, and probably two-thirds of the appointment ended up not being about Nick's injury at all.  They mostly talked about Nick's sexual identity.   And Charlie.  Dr. Kim had given him a lot to ponder – and an astonishing amount of homework to do.  And he'd booked him in for two appointments the next week.  

He missed movie night because he fell asleep and didn't wake until six the next morning.   He did go for a run on Thursday with Charlie, but there was not exactly a lot of conversation when Charlie was always several meters ahead of him and he had never been capable of speech watching Charlie go through his cool down stretches.  On Friday night he waved off Charlie's offer to buy him a drink and barricaded himself in his room to watch the videos and do the workbooks that Dr. Kim assigned.  

Nick had to go to the game on Saturday and watch from the bench.  It was excruciating but he played along, shouting at his friends and urging them on.  He was startled to look out at the crowd and see Charlie in the stands looking back at him, wrapped tight against the wind in one of his colorful cardigans.  

Nick:  What are you doing here?

Charlie:  Have I ever missed one of your stupid games?

He never had, not even when he and Des were dating.  Which as Nick recalled had been a bit of an issue.  Charlie hadn't said a word about it, but he'd caught the off remark from James on movie night.  

Nick: Come to the pub after?

Charlie: ...

Three minutes later, he still hadn't gotten a response.  He couldn't read Charlie's expression from where he was; he could just see that his head was hanging over his phone and that he kept typing.   Was he composing a reply?  Cross-texting with someone else? The three dots taunted him.  He turned his attention back to the game and watched the backup half fly score a try and he clapped because that was his job now.

Charlie:  Okay

The pub was crowded and dank.  Chosen primarily for proximity and cheapness, it was not the kind of place he normally would have gone with Charlie.  Charlie didn't have expensive tastes or anything, but he wasn't much for dingy.   But he'd come; he was there leaning against the bar with one beer in his hand and another waiting for Nick.  He introduced Charlie to a few of the nicer lads on the team and watched his friend's face as they said things like Oh, you're the famous Charlie or Nick talks about you all the time or Lovely to finally meet you .

Whatever Charlie had been expecting, that clearly wasn't it, because his expressive eyebrows flew to his hairline as he blushed and asked them about their courses and goaded them to tell him embarrassing stories about Nick.  Unfortunately for Nick, his teammates were only too happy to oblige and he spent the next hour or so squirming and avoiding eye contact as the boys relayed stories of drunken antics over the last three years.  Charlie ate it up, smiling and giggling and occasionally poking him in the calf with the tip of his Converse.  He had worried that Charlie wouldn't fit in or would be too uncomfortable or that the lads would make arses of themselves, but it all went shockingly well.  

Charlie bought them another round.  "Don't fuss, pints are only like 4 quid here, isn't that why you blokes picked it?" Charlie asked.   After the second beer, he steered Charlie out the door and slow-walked them toward their flats.  Charlie invited him up for a movie,  but Nick begged off.  Dr. Kim had advised him to avoid being alone with Charlie until he figured out what he wanted to do, lest he end up starting something he wasn't prepared to see through.

He bailed on Wednesday study and movie night again, and after two more sessions with Dr. Kim he was feeling more sure about what he wanted to do.  What he still had no idea about was how to go about any of it.  It didn't help that on Friday night, Charlie showed up at his flat in one of his more flustering outfits, the alarmingly tight jeans and the oversized cropped concert tee.  

As usual, they had gone over early to help Tara and Darcy with setup.  While Charlie was trying to prevent Darcy from making the punch into a health hazard, he pulled Tara aside.

"I'm telling Charlie tonight."

She hugged him hard.  "God, no wonder you've been such a mess this week.  That also explains why there's like twice as much product in your hair as normal."  

He laughed and squeezed her arm.   "Wish me luck!"   

They hung streamers and laid colorful clothes on the tables.   Darcy attached an old iPhone to the speakers and Troye Sivan started playing.  Tara set out the fishbowl of pins and another of condoms.  Nick set up the snacks table while Charlie swept the dance floor. 

"Can I talk to you about something?" he asked Charlie as people started filtering in.

“Is everything okay?” Charlie asked. 

“I hope so,” Nick replied.  He grabbed Charlie’s hand and pulled him into one of the stairwells, hoping for some privacy.  He glanced out the window and didn’t see anyone else hanging about. Nick didn’t let go of Charlie’s hand and Charlie wasn’t dropping his grip either.  It seemed like a good sign.

“Is this about therapy?”

“Sort of?”  He rubbed at his neck.  “I need to talk to you… I need to talk to you about what happened at the hospital.”

Charlie’s face closed like a door slamming.  “Nick, no.  We agreed.”

“I know.  But that wasn’t… we need to talk about it.”

“I can’t.  Nick, I can’t.  Please don’t do this.”  He jerked his hand away and rubbed at his wrist.

“Charlie!” Nick was exasperated.  Was he going about this all wrong?  Why wouldn’t Charlie listen to him?  “Can you please just let me say this, Charlie?”

“Everything okay in here?” They both jumped as the stairwell door opened.  Some guy he’d never seen before was standing there looking at him like he’d done something wrong.  

“Everything’s fine,” Charlie insisted, pushing past the stranger and heading toward the main room.  Nick slouched against the wall and closed his eyes.  

“What the fuck did you say to him?” the stranger insisted.  

“It’s none of your fucking business, how about that?”

“Look man, you’ll pardon me if I get a little edgy when I see some giant straight guy looming over a gay man in a stairwell.”

Nick reeled on the guy.   If Charlie wouldn’t listen to him, maybe he would just tell everyone else instead.  “I’m not straight,” he announced.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charlie threw himself onto the dance floor.  It wasn’t a great coping strategy.  He knew he should probably go home, have a shower and a cry, maybe pack up all of Nick’s hoodies and leave them outside his door while he was busy at the party.  Instead, he danced.  He took a break to get a drink and his eyes immediately found Nick standing across the room.  

Two guys he vaguely recognized stood extremely close to Nick. Was one of them touching Nick’s arm?  They appeared to be openly flirting with Nick if the body language was anything to go by.  Usually his ally pin let guys know what a waste of time that would be, but he sipped his drink and watched with morbid curiosity as the two guys kept on. 

“I knew there was no way you two were just friends,” someone shouted over the music.  He startled and turned to see a tall woman grinning at him.  “I would ask why he chose to come out now, but I know that’s none of my business.  I just wanted to say I’m happy for you two.  Mazel tov!” 

“Thanks?” he said.  He felt completely confused but politeness just came out automatically.  He set his drink down and made his way through the crowd feeling more woozy with each step.

Nick wore a pink, purple, and blue pin in place of his usual ally badge. Charlie glared at the pair of flirty guys until they both fucked off.  Nick raised an eyebrow at him.  He was having an out of body experience and he couldn’t speak.  He poked at Nick’s pin and his jaw dropped open.  He couldn’t seem to make sound come out of his mouth.  

“I thought you didn’t want to talk about it, Charlie.”

The casual tone cut right through him and he still couldn’t speak.  He balled up his hand and struck Nick on the chest.  Nick gasped in surprise and Charlie did it again.  He still couldn’t speak, but some sort of alarming high pitched noise came out of him.  Nick grabbed his fist before Charlie could hit him again and pulled him through the crowd and out onto the bench where they’d first chatted.  

“So now can we talk about it?”

Charlie sagged onto the bench and looked at Nick expectantly.  

“What I’ve been trying to tell you about the hospital, Charlie, is that I meant it.”

He took a few deep breaths and looked up at Nick, still standing while Charlie wasn’t sure his legs would hold him up right now.  “Nick, you were high.  You told the nurse I was your boyfriend.”

Nick huffed a laugh.  “No, the nurse called you my boyfriend, and when she said it I thought ‘oh, that makes sense, of course Charlie is my boyfriend’.   It just seemed so obvious to me.  Yeah, I was woozy and also terrified, but when she said you were my boyfriend it felt right.  It felt true.”

“So you came out of anesthesia and realized you are bi?”

Nick blew out a breath and rubbed his neck.  “No, I already knew that.”  Charlie’s jaw dropped open and he made that sound again.  “But the whole maybe almost dying thing made me rethink some things.”

Short gasping little breaths escaped him and he began to shake.   He lost sensation in his fingertips.  His vision blurred.  

“Jesus Charlie, you’re shivering.”

He blinked and realized Nick was pulling his hoodie over his head and then putting it on him.  It was warm and it smelled amazing.  He worked his jaw but he couldn’t find the words.  Too many emotions at once and he couldn’t begin to think how to process them.   Nick folded his arms and looked at Charlie expectantly.  After a few minutes he lifted his arms.  

“Charlie, aren’t you going to say anything?”

“I need to…I need to think.”

Nick looked at him for a long time and at some point Charlie realized that he had begun to tear up.  He swiped at his eyes with the cuffs of Nick’s hoodie. Nick sighed and ran a hand over Charlie’s cheek.  “Okay Charlie, have your think.  But if you don’t come find me by noon tomorrow, I’ll know what your answer is and you won’t have to say it.”

Charlie watched helplessly as Nick walked off in the direction of his flat.  After what felt like two hours but was probably ten minutes, he collected himself and headed home.  There were alarming noises coming from James’s room, but Isaac was on the couch with a book and his earbuds in.   When he saw Charlie, he jumped to his feet and took out his earbuds.

“Oh god, Charlie what happened?”

“I need a shot of whiskey I think,” he said quietly.

“Fairly certain the best I can do is vodka,” Isaac admitted.  “I got a bottle as a Christmas gift and I don’t think James has gotten into it yet.”  Charlie just nodded and drank the shot Isaac poured him miserably. He gave his friend the abridged version and Isaac squeezed his fingers as he relayed the story.

“Okay, Charlie, what I don’t understand then is why you’re here?”

“What do you mean?”

Isaac took a deep breath.  “I mean, why are you here talking to me instead of kissing Nick’s big dumb pretty face?  You’ve been in love with Nick for ages and now he’s told you he feels the same way.   So again, I ask why you are here talking to me instead of banging Nick into next Tuesday.”

“Isaac, don’t say bang.”

“What term would you prefer, Charmander?  Seriously, go get your man for Christ’s sake!”  

“If this doesn’t work out, I’m losing one of the best friends I’ve ever had, Issac.”

“Oh honey, I’m pretty sure that ship has sailed.  You and Nick cannot go back to being best friends now.  I highly suspect that’s why he waited so long to tell you.  Charlie, frankly, I think Nick has been in love with you for a long time.”

“Really?”

“Why else would he put up with Tao’s movies week after week?”

Charlie hugged Isaac.  “You’re a good friend.”

“I am.  And you should always listen to me.”

He smiled and planted a kiss on Isaac’s cheek.  “I love you.”

“Yes yes, I love you too, Charlie, now go!”

Charlie tried to think of something clever or maybe romantic or maybe funny to say when he got to Nick’s place.  There was some part of him that was still angry, mad at Nick for jerking him around all this time.  But mostly, he just wanted finally to know what it would feel like to be with Nick. 

It began to rain and he jogged, hoping to beat the worst of it. 

~~~~~~

The rain matched Nick’s miserable mood, weeping down as he paced the flat.  He had done it all wrong, somehow had messed it all up.  He should have just gone on in denial.  Having Charlie as a friend was better than not having Charlie in his life at all.   Charlie didn’t feel the same way he did; that’s why he had told Nick to forget about his confession.  It wasn’t that he didn’t believe Nick, he just thought that they could pretend and go on being friends.  That Nick could just fall out of love with him.   He kicked the coffee table.  If only it were that easy.

There was a knock on the door and when he opened it, there was Charlie.  Soaking wet, eyes blazing.   He kicked his soaked shoes off in the entryway and peeled off the drenched hoodie and his crop top and stood bare-chested and dripping on the rug.  Charlie kicked the door shut behind him and stepped into Nick's chest.  

“I’m still not ready to talk about it,” Charlie said.  He wound his arms around Nick’s neck.  Water seeped into Nick’s joggers from his sodden jeans.  His warm chest pressed into Nick’s.  And then Charlie kissed him. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And now, a note from Beta Phlimsical:  THIS TRAIN IS EN ROUTE TO SMUT CENTRAL. PREPARE YOURSELVES PEOPLE!! THE SLOW BURN IS OVER!!

Chapter Text

Nick had imagined kissing Charlie a thousand times.  He had envisioned tentative butterfly kisses.  He had pictured pushing Charlie against a wall and slamming their mouths together.  He’d seen them standing together in the rain under an umbrella, making out on the couch on movie night, kissing shyly on the dance floor at a party.  

But he had been completely unprepared for the reality of Charlie kissing him, hot and hungry and soaking wet.  He had never understood it when people talked about going weak in the knees, but that was how he felt; he wasn’t sure he could remain standing for much longer.  He took a small step backwards, grabbing at Charlie’s waist to make sure he followed.  And then instead of following, Charlie was pushing him, backing him toward the couch and climbing onto his lap as he collapsed into the cushion.  

Charlie pulled back to take a breath, his forehead resting against Nick’s.  Nick took the opportunity to press one hand between their bodies and run it over the skin of Charlie’s chest.  “Charlie?”

Charlie pressed a finger against his lips.  “We can talk about it after.”

“After?”

“Nick.  You cannot genuinely be confused about what’s about to happen here.”

“I… I hope not?”

He could feel the smile on Charlie’s lips when he kissed them.  Charlie’s hair felt just as soft and sleek in his hands as he’d always imagined and he moaned when Nick kissed his neck.  His nipple hardened under Nick’s thumb and his fingers dug into his shoulders when Nick bucked up underneath him. 

“Nick, let’s go to your room.”

Right, the girls would be home any time now, and he didn’t want them to be interrupted.   He stopped on the way to his room to grab a towel from the closet in the hall.  He pushed the door shut behind him and for a moment just tried to absorb that Charlie was standing half-naked in his room. “We should get you out of those jeans.  You’re soaked.”  He was trying for suave but it came out shaky.  

Charlie grinned and bit Nick’s jaw.   “Take them off me then.”

Nick led them in an awkward waltz toward the bed and dropped the towel on the duvet. His hands were shaking and it took an absurd amount of concentration to unbutton the fly of Charlie’s jeans.  But finally he had enough clearance to begin working the wet denim down Charlie’s legs.  Charlie sat back on the bed when he managed to get them down to his knees and Nick dropped to kneel on the floor.  He struggled to yank the jeans off Charlie’s ankles.  They ended up inside out and took his wet socks along with them when they finally let go of Charlie’s legs.   Nick grabbed the towel and rubbed at Charlie’s calves and then his thighs. 

“Nick?”   Charlie was smiling fondly at him, leaning back slightly on his hands. Nick loosely gripped an ankle in each hand and ran his hands up his legs til he hit the hem of his boxers. “Nick, are you going to come up here?”

“Not yet,”  Nick said.  He was staring at the outline of Charlie’s cock under the thin layer of cotton.  He let his hands travel up to Charlie’s hips.  “I want to stay here for a while.”

“On your knees for me?”

“Yes,” he whispered.  “If that’s okay.”

Charlie unleashed a somewhat hysterical giggle.  “Yeah, that’s okay , Nick.”  Nick began to tug his boxers down and lifted his eyes to meet Charlie’s.  “Definitely okay, absolutely okay,” he reassured him.  Nick tossed the boxers behind him and took Charlie in his hand, and he was as long and hot and rigid as Nick had always imagined.  “Yes Nick,” Charlie yelped as he abruptly licked a circle around the head of his prick.  He wrapped one hand around Charlie and kissed and licked his way around him until Charlie was whining and tugging at his hair and then he finally took him fully into his mouth and moaned around him.  

“Oh my god, Nick.”

He grinned and the sensation made Charlie gasp.  He began to move, slowly, deliberately, stroking with his hand in tandem with his mouth, tongue circling as he came up.  He let himself look up and saw the way Charlie was bracing himself with one hand behind him on the mattress, the other firmly clenched in Nick’s hair, his head falling back as his eyes rolled up, then lifting up to look at Nick again.   

“You look so… oh my god.”

He gently pulled off.  “I look what, Charlie?” he whispered.  

“Don’t stop,” Charlie groaned.   Nick smirked at him and slid a hand under Charlie’s thigh, lifting it to rest on his shoulder.  He got back to work, taking Charlie a little deeper this time.  “You look so good like that.”  Nick moaned around him again.  He really wanted his trousers off, but that could wait, would wait until he’d made Charlie see stars. Which wasn’t far off if the way he bucked and gasped was any indication.  “Oh god, Nick, gonna come sweetheart.”  Nick moved faster, grabbed his thigh hard.  “Oh Nick, yeah yeah yeah oh god.” He held Charlie’s hip as he stiffened and curled up slightly and flooded his mouth.  Nick swallowed twice and pulled off slowly and caught Charlie as he collapsed forward and wrapped his arms around Nick’s shoulders. 

“Where.. Where did that come from?”

“I think it’s the vas deferens?  Something like that?  It’s been a while since GCSE biology.” 

Charlie laughed into his neck.  “Get up here, you idiot.  Why do you still have all your clothes on?”

“That’s how eager I was to get you off.” 

Charlie groaned and pulled him up by his good arm.  “ Jesus Nick.”  Charlie ripped his shirt over his head and yanked at his belt loops until he stood.  His chinos went much more easily than Charlie’s jeans.  They both tugged his pants down and then they were naked together on the duvet.  Charlie ran a hand over Nick’s chest.  “God, you are really just absurdly good looking.” He spent several minutes just tracing the muscles in Nick’s arms and chest and stomach and Nick didn’t stop him despite his lonely cock longing for Charlie’s touch.   Finally Charlie stretched up to kiss him again and trailed his hand down over his pelvic bone and gently traced his prick with his fingers.  

“Charlie,” he breathed.  Charlie kissed him for a long time, barely touching him, teasing until he was whining against Charlie’s mouth.  

“Nick,” Charlie whispered.  “Do you have lube?  Because I want to use some – on you.  Is that okay?”

For a moment, he couldn’t speak as he calculated what Charlie was telling him.  When it connected he nodded enthusiastically and rolled over to reach into the drawer of his nightstand for the box of condoms and the bottle of lube at the back.  Charlie took it from him and set it next to his thigh and then kissed Nick again.   He was nervous, but Charlie’s kisses were very distracting.  

There was a sudden snort from Charlie.  “Nick, this bottle still has the tamper-proof seal on.”  He grinned at Nick and warmed a dollop of lube in his fingers.  He kissed a trail across Nick’s jaw to his ear.  “Right, of course, I’m sure you didn’t need that with girls, did you?  I just got a very thorough demonstration of how talented your mouth is.  I bet by the time you got this big cock in them you had them absolutely drenched .”   Nick whined and bucked into Charlie’s grip on his cock.  “Bet you made them feel so good, sweetheart.  And I’m glad, I’m glad that was fun for you but that’s all done now, you know that right?” 

Nick blinked at him helplessly as Charlie’s slick fingers ghosted over his hole.  He had never imagined Charlie talking to him like this and it was overloading his brain.  “Charlie,” he managed to whisper, as Charlie circled his rim and slid over him with one hand, the other gently pulling at his cock.  

Charlie leaned down and kissed him once, the barest little peck on his mouth.  “Tell me any time it’s too much or if you want to stop.” 

“Don’t.  Don’t wanna stop,” he panted.  He hadn’t been able to do this before, all those years ago in Spain, but when the tip of Charlie’s finger breached him he felt his eyes roll back.  “Yeah, Charlie please.” 

“You’re mine now.” 

“Yes!”   Charlie added a second finger and stroked him a little faster.  He could feel Charlie hard and hot against his thigh.  

“Are you ready, Nick?”

“Please.”

“Please what?”  Nick licked his lips and looked up at Charlie.  His mouth opened but he couldn’t get the words out.   Charlie’s eyes were dark and he licked his teeth and rubbed himself against Nick’s leg.  “What do you want, Nick?”  

“You, Charlie,” he managed to pant out.  Charlie was doing something with his fingers and it was causing sparks to fly up his spine and he couldn’t think.  “You inside me,” he sputtered.

Charlie rested his forehead against Nick’s for a moment and sighed deeply.  “Oh Nick.”  He felt oddly bereft when Charlie removed his fingers but he watched from somewhere outside his body as Charlie ripped open the condom wrapper, rolled it on, and applied a palmful of lube.  “I’ll go slow.”

“I… I’ve never.” 

“I know sweetheart.”  

“But I do want to.”

Charlie kissed him, long and sweet, and then he could feel Charlie’s cock nudging against his entrance.   It burned at first, but Charlie did go slow, pushing in inch by inch, his eyes on Nick until they had to close due to sensation.  “Oh Nick, oh my god, I never thought…god, are you okay, sweetheart?”  Nick bit his lip and nodded.   “I’m going to move now.”

“Yes, please,” Nick whispered.   

Charlie rose up slightly, bracing his hands on Nick’s shoulders as he began to rock in and out. Slow at first and then faster as Nick began to relax into the sensation.  With each snap of his hips, Nick released a little gasp.  It was so different, so intense, warm and full.  His Charlie was inside him, and looking down at him, and huffing little breaths as he moved.  He slid an arm under Nick’s knee and lifted his leg up over his shoulder, leaning forward, changing the angle just slightly and suddenly instead of gasping Nick was keening.  Charlie gently fisted his cock with his other hand.  

“Oh Nick, you feel so good.”

“Charlie, please don’t stop.”  He almost didn’t recognize his own voice.  He stretched his arms over his head and grasped the headboard.  He tipped his hips slightly and the change in angle made him shout.  “Please please please.”

Charlie let go of him for a moment and reached up to push his sweaty fringe out of his eyes.  “Nick, you are so… you like it?”   Nick nodded frantically and Charlie trailed his fingers down his forehead and the bridge of his nose and slipped two of his fingers into Nick’s mouth.  He sucked at them eagerly, the more of Charlie inside of him the better.  When Charlie took him in hand again, his fist was wet around him.  “Tell me when you’re close sweetheart.” 

“I think.. I think I already am.  Oh god, Charlie I can’t believe we finally...”  He was babbling utter nonsense and if he hadn’t been ready to absolutely lose it he might have been embarrassed.  

Instead his head tossed back and forth against the pillow and he moaned at each stroke and a flow of garbled syllables bubbled up from him as Charlie plowed into him faster and faster and then shouted his name and the sensation of Charlie pumping into him sent him over the edge.  He cried out and spent all over Charlie’s hand and his stomach and for a moment he forgot to breathe but then Charlie was kissing him again and calling him beautiful and pressing his damp hair out of his face, and Nick laughed.  He laughed and grabbed Charlie against his chest and kissed him until Charlie playfully swatted at his shoulders and he let him roll off and collapse onto the mattress. 

Charlie hooked his pinkie around Nick’s and they laid on the pillows together for a moment until Charlie rolled up and grabbed the towel from the floor, gently dabbing at Nick’s slickened underside and his damp stomach before wiping off his own hand.  Nick didn’t see what happened to the condom but assumed Charlie had taken care of that while he was still only about half conscious.  He could feel himself slipping into sleep but suddenly Charlie was gone and he sat up in a panic.  Water was running somewhere, and a few minutes later he was back, smelling of toothpaste and carrying two glasses of water. 

“Thank you,” Nick said gratefully, drinking it all in four big gulps.  While he’d been catatonic, Charlie had found the drawstring shorts again.  “Don’t go anywhere,” Nick requested and popped to the bathroom to freshen himself up as well.  

Charlie was already half asleep in his bed when he got back and his heart squeezed on itself for a moment.  “Charlie, you’re staying?”

“That okay?”

“Don’t ever leave.” 

Charlie smiled at him and kissed him on the nose.  “We’ll talk tomorrow, okay?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“Also tomorrow I want you to pick me up in those big arms and fuck me against the wall.”  

“Jesus Charlie,” he laughed and kissed him gently.  “Yeah, I think that can be arranged.”  Maybe not quite as easily as he could have six months ago, but he would manage. Charlie smiled and snuggled into his shoulder.  Nick ran his hand through Charlie’s wrecked curls a few times and then burrowed into the covers and watched Charlie fall asleep before allowing himself to do the same. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charlie felt an odd sense of deja vu on waking.  Nick’s head was pillowed on his chest, one leg tucked between Charlie’s.  Was it just weeks ago that they’d woken up in this posture on the couch?  He blinked at Nick’s sleepy face and kissed the top of his head.  He was still a lot confused and a little angry but oddly enough, much of his initial fury had been allayed by fucking Nick into incoherence. 

Some of the things he’d said last night, where had that even come from?  He hoped Nick wasn’t expecting an unending stream of filth from him on the regular, because that was unusual for him.  Everything about last night had been unusual for him; he didn’t regularly top, he didn’t often tease his partners about their previous experiences, he didn’t typically pull off half his clothes and launch himself at a guy.  Well, that last one, he reckoned he would be repeating that little maneuver with Nick. 

Because he was him, there was some part of him that wasn't entirely sure he shouldn't shimmy out from under Nick and out the door in case Nick wanted to pretend last night hadn't happened.  But he didn't want to, like at all, and the way Nick was wrapped around him like a boa constrictor was fairly reassuring.  

Not to mention, they had made plans...of a sort, right?  Charlie rubbed his face.  He didn't know if he was ready to talk about everything yet, still.  How long had Nick known he was bi?  How long had he been into him?  Why didn't he tell him any of this before getting walloped by a stack of industrial ladders?  Did he want them to be together?  Banging it out and saying he loved him didn't necessarily mean he wanted a relationship, did it?

He felt a heat suffuse his chest.  Nick loved him. He had overlooked that a little, in the swirling chaos of everything else last night.   Nick loved him. He squeezed him around the shoulders and Nick nuzzled into his neck.  "Hi."

"Hi," Charlie whispered back.  

"Need coffee?"

"Not yet."  Coffee meant getting up and out from under Nick's heavy heat. Coffee could wait.  Nick started to pull back a bit and Charlie grabbed him.  "No, don't go."

"Crushing you"

"Mmm hmm.  Crush me more ."

Nick kissed his neck.  "Charlie," he laughed against his skin.

"Not sure what makes you think I'm joking," he grumbled.

"Bossy, bossy and petulant."

"Oh, so we've met."  He gasped as Nick bit his clavicle.  

"Maybe I should just get up then," Nick threatened, but even as he was saying it he threaded his fingers through Charlie's and pinned his hand on the pillow just above his head and moved his leg from between Charlie's knees to hug his hips.  He used the leverage to drag himself fully on top of Charlie.

"Oh yeah, you're super not into this," Charlie teased.  He could feel Nick hot and hard against his stomach.  

"Well, I'm not into this yet," Nick whispered and bit his ear.

"Dirty!"  He pushed up and kissed Nick, bringing his free hand up to Nick’s hair and pulling him down as he fell back against the pillow.  He pressed his hips up against Nick and gasped at the friction.  “Do you want to be?”

Nick’s fingers squeezed his hand hard. “So much.” 

Charlie wrestled his hand from Nick’s grip. He rolled onto his stomach and tossed his borrowed shorts over the side of the bed.  He reached for the bottle of lube on the nightstand and held Nick’s eyes as he passed it over.  “Go slow, Nick, you’re…big.”

“I’m not.” Charlie snorted and rolled his eyes.  “I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t, just take your time.”  He pressed his face into the pillow and held his breath, waiting to see if Nick was going to expect more direction or if he was going to take the initiative.  He saw Nick’s shorts sail to the floor and heard the click of the lid and a liquid noise as he opened the lube.  There was a pause and then he felt Nick gently run a wet finger down the cleft of his ass.  Charlie let himself breathe as Nick pressed a cautious finger against him, and then into him.   Had Nick done research or was he just trying to mimic what Charlie had done the previous evening?  He would ask him later.  Or not. Shut up brain, he fussed at himself as he relaxed around the second finger.

“You’re so quiet,” Nick whispered.  “Everything okay?” 

He nodded.  “I’m ready, Nick, please.”

“Lift your hips up, Charlie.”  He lifted up onto his knees and turned slightly over his shoulder to watch as Nick rolled on the condom and got himself into position.  It was a vulnerable posture but Nick was staring down at him and biting his lip. “I want to make this good for you.”

“It will be.  Don’t overthink it.”  Nick quirked an eyebrow at him.  “Yes, I appreciate the irony of me saying that.  Will you for god’s sake just fuck me already, Nick.” 

“You really are bossy, baby.”

“Well, get used to it.” 

“I intend to.”  And then finally, finally Nick pressed into him.  He went slowly at first, one hand holding Charlie’s hip in place until he bottomed out and his hand fell to the pillow by Charlie’s head.  “Oh my god, Charlie.” He pulled nearly all the way out and then stroked in again.   Charlie whined and pushed back into Nick as he stroked again.  “You okay, is that alright?” Nick asked anxiously, pausing his movements for a moment.

“Yes!  It’s just… I’m so full and it’s you , Nick.  Please keep going.”

Nick kept moving, slowly.  He kissed his way down Charlie’s spine and wrapped his right arm over Charlie’s chest and gently pulled him until they were both sitting up on their knees.  It pushed him in deeper and Charlie let his head fall back to rest on Nick’s shoulder as he moaned.  “You like that?”  Charlie reached behind him to grab at Nick’s ass and groaned his assent.  Nick kept a tight grip as he moved his hand over Charlie’s chest and up to his jaw, tugging him back for a kiss as he thrust up into him.  “You like taking me like this?”

“Nick. Please keep talking.” Nick was hitting just the right spot and Charlie was losing his ability to form full sentences. 

“Charlie, my pretty Charlie, you feel so good on my cock.  Is that what you want to hear?  How hot and tight you are how much I want to fuck you.”

Charlie was going to boil over.  “Yeah.”  He couldn’t contain a laugh.  Pretty much exactly what he wanted to hear. 

“Are you laughing at me, Charlie?”

“No, just…happy.”  He laughed again and gripped Nick’s right arm hard for leverage.   He brought Nick’s left hand to his mouth and kissed his palm, then licked his tongue wetly across it.  He guided him down to grasp his leaking cock and bucked up hard when Nick gripped him loosely.  The mattress was groaning under them and he could hear the thunk of the headboard hitting the wall.  He could also hear himself mewling as he pressed back to match Nick’s movements. “Oh god, Nick, please.  Gonna make me come. Please make me come.”

Nick grunted into his ear.  “Charlie,” he growled. “Gonna make you come so hard, baby.”

He let his head fall back against Nick’s shoulder again and he made a helpless, keening sound as his heart pounded in his ears and Nick rested his cheek against Charlie’s hair and shouted his name.  Charlie shuddered as he spent and Nick held him tightly as they both worked to catch their breaths.  Nick carefully eased out and Charlie pitched forward on the pillows bonelessly.  He felt something soft brush against his ass and Nick’s arm lifting him to clean his stomach.  

There was a fond smile on his face as he watched Nick lumber around the room, picking up their discarded pants and getting himself dressed.  He sat down on the bed next to Charlie and handed him the shorts.  “No rush, Charlie. But would you like that coffee now?”

He grabbed Nick’s hand and kissed his knuckles.  “Coffee sounds great.”

“Was that okay?”

“That was leagues better than okay, Nick.” He circled his thumb over Nick’s palm.  “I mean, wasn’t it?”

“Very.”  He blushed and leaned down to kiss Charlie again.  

“Look at you blushing, Nicholas. You’re so cute ,” Charlie teased.  He gripped Nick’s hand hard.  “I love you so much, Nick.”

Nick threw himself over Charlie and hugged him tight.  “I love you, Charlie.” 

They held each other until Charlie tapped Nick on the arm and said, “Nick, I am going to become distinctly unloveable if I don’t get some coffee soon.”

“Never,” Nick teased back.  He grabbed a shirt and tossed it at Charlie.  “But let’s have some coffee and figure out what we’re going to bake the girls to get them to forgive us.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Tao:  Ladies, can you confirm that Charlie is at yours?  We’re all assuming he is.

James:  I mean, if it went well.

James:  What Tao is not saying is that we’re terrified as to where he might have gone if it went badly and he’s not there.

Darcy:  He’s definitely at ours.

Tara:  I assume he’s still there anyway.  We decided to go out for breakfast.

Tao:  You’re sure?

Tara:  I nearly took a header tripping over his wet shoes in the hall when we got home last night.

Darcy:  That and the NOISE.  It is extremely clear that Charlie and Nick have figured their shit out.

Tao:  Oh

Darcy:  Yeah OH

Tara:  Darcy, please do not repeat any of what we heard.  Living through it once was enough.

James:  Bad news babes.  If they are a thing now you’re in for it.

Isaac:  I can suggest some good noise-canceling earbuds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus content . While driving to work the other day, I found myself pondering what Charlie was thinking after Nick walked away after his big revelation.

Interior: Charlie’s brain, sitting on a bench outside the social

🧠: Error.  Complete system lock.  Rebooting….

🧠: You shut down due to an error; restarting applications…

Sex brain 🍆: NICK is DOWN for DICK. 

Emotion central 😻: Nick loves us!

Anxiety 🌪️:This is going to be like [redacted] and [redacted] where Nick is just ‘figuring himself out’

🍆: I bet he tastes like salted butter on bread

😻: nooooo Nick isn’t like that 

Reason 🦉: If Nick just wanted to get his dick wet there are like 30 guys in there he could have hit up. And he didn’t. Even though we hit him

😻: oh that was bad we should not hit Nick. Let’s go apologize

🌪️: right as if Nick needed more evidence that we’re psycho

🍆: Yes a very thorough apology. Apologize so hard he can’t remember his name

🌪️: He’s been lying to us for two years. Two years! What’s changed?

🦉: obviously something has changed. He came out. And not just to us

😻: because he loves us and wants to be with us forever

🌪️: because we’re pathetic and easy and he knows it

🦉: if you’re not going to listen to me will you for fuck’s sake go talk to Isaac??

Chapter Text

Charlie sipped his second cup of coffee and watched Nick mixing up batter. This time he had managed to get the oat milk out of the fridge without getting misty again. He might have to switch to almond or something if he kept having a post traumatic response to the Oatley carton. He picked his second piece of toast apart. He probably should be hungry, given their morning exercise, but he was also aware that the conversions they’d been avoiding probably needed to start.

Or maybe he could distract Nick one more time first…

“Nick?” He had meant to say something flirty, but as he watched Nick shut the oven door and set the timer, what came out was, “You came out to a room full of people last night.”

“I guess I did,” he agreed. “I had intended to tell you first, but I think it’s okay that things didn’t go according to plan.” He kissed Charlie on the forehead. “It all ended up alright, didn’t it?” Charlie was quiet as he thought about how to answer that. “Didn’t it?” Nick asked again quietly. “Are you still angry?”

Charlie held up his thumb and forefinger. “A little angry,” he admitted. “Like a skosh upset with you still.”

“Do you want to pound me on the chest again?” Nick asked, grabbing Charlie’s hand and kissing his knuckles.

“God.” He ducked his head. His behavior had been exceptionally embarrassing. “I am sorry about that. I just…couldn’t speak.” Nick gently pressed into him until he was backed against the kitchen counter. “This is not making me want to talk either, Nick.” Nick grabbed him by the hips and lifted him onto the countertop. “You’re being very distracting,” he pointed out, trying and failing to ignore that being picked up by Nick was heavily featured in the Nick-related fantasy rotation. He pressed his palms against Nick’s shoulders. “Were you really just never going to tell me though?”

Nick took a deep breath. “I didn’t think I could be who you needed me to be, Charlie.” Charlie tapped his fingers against Nick’s shoulders. Right, someone who wasn’t out, someone who couldn’t be with him publicly, that was definitely not what he needed. “And I did think about it, Charlie, so many times, but I just couldn’t. Look, it’s going to take more than three therapy sessions to work through all of this for me and I know I hurt you at times because I wasn’t ready to be out. But I am now and I want to be with you, Charlie.”

“Your therapy was supposed to be about your recovery and, like, rugby though.”

“Turns out, there are more important things than rugby.” He stroked Charlie’s cheek. “Yes, rugby has been a huge part of who I am and losing it… I felt like I was losing part of my identity. And considering how messed up I was about who I am, I mean it’s all connected, Charlie. I need to figure out who I am now, and coming out – and hopefully being with you – is part of that.”

Charlie smiled at him. “You know, I do kind of want to pound you again, but not on the chest.” He watched the grin suffuse across Nick’s face. “I want to be with you too, if that wasn’t clear. Specifically right now. But I know the girls are likely to walk in at any moment, so I’ll try to behave.”

He still had questions and insecurities. Would Nick ever have come out if the accident hadn’t happened? Would Nick resent him if things didn’t work out? Would Nick miss being with girls, would he be enough, would they be enough? The oven dinged and Nick took the cupcakes out and set them on a rack to cool.

“Are we going to frost them?”

“You ice these. I’ll show you. Even you can make icing.”

They were making the cupcakes pretty when the doorknob rattled, announcing the girls’ return. Tara smiled fondly at them, but Darcy looked less pleased – until she saw the state of the kitchen. “Are those the Bakewell cupcakes?” she asked, one eyebrow raised. Nick nodded. “Fine, you’re forgiven. But next time, can you leave the radio on or something?” She grabbed two cupcakes and stalked toward their bedroom.

“You two were the talk of the social,” Tara said, examining the cupcakes carefully. “Word about you being bi got around pretty quickly.”

“Well, that was sort of the point,” Nick said as he started piling the baking dishes into the sink to soak.

Tara patted his shoulder and settled on a cupcake at last. “I’m proud of you, Nicky. And Darcy is too.” She headed to her room as well, and they could hear the muffled conversation on the other side of the door.

Nick smiled at Charlie and then noticed the streak of icing on his clavicle. “How on earth did you do that?” he asked. Charlie widened his eyes comically and shrugged. Nick groaned at him and grabbed him by the elbows. “Messy,” he teased before slowly licking the icing off of him. They kissed lazily and then Nick sighed. “I probably actually need to clean up the kitchen.”

“And I should probably go home and find some dry trousers. My jeans are still damp.”

“Can I take you out to dinner tonight? You know, like a proper date? I want to take my boyfriend out,” he said, like he was tasting the edges of the word.

Charlie reached up and pushed Nick’s hair back, his heart fizzing around in his chest like a shaken up Coke. “Yes, but not tonight. Tonight I want you to come round mine.” He ran a thumb over Nick's bottom lip. “Because Tao is heading into London today, James will be out, and Isaac has another library friends sleepover. So we’ll have the place to ourselves.”

“That sounds… perfect,” Nick agreed, his eyes going a bit glassy.

Unfortunately, the walk back to his place gave him time to think. He ended up agonizing over the conversations they probably should have but aren't having. Why didn't Nick tell him before? Why was Nick coming out now? Did Tara and Darcy know already? Had they seen him as this hapless hanger-on all this time? All those times Nick got snuggly with him, like at the beach on bonfire night last summer, was he going to tell Charlie? Did he get freaked out? Was he not important enough to Nick to be worth a little disruption to his life? Was that even a fair question?

Yeah, still just a smidge angry with Nick, but also desperate for reassurance from Nick. He took a shower and tried not to obsess. He needed to calm down. He needed to kiss Nick. He needed to settle and get some work done. He needed to have a long talk with his own therapist. He needed another shot of that vodka Isaac had.

The empty apartment felt too quiet. Charlie put on his bluetooth speaker and sang along to Greta Van Fleet as he made himself a little plate of lunch and put the washing on. He got out his laptop and plugged away at the kitchen table for a good hour before his thoughts began to drift. Tao had already left for his train, Isaac was working, James was who knew where. James always claimed he didn’t date or ‘do relationships’, but he and his lab partner always seemed to be meeting up on the weekends lately and unless their research involved the long-term effects of excessive love bites clearly something was going on there.

Charlie was buzzing and he desperately wanted to talk to someone about what had happened. He needed to process. He could go for a run, but he had just washed his hair. He scrubbed the kitchen. He beat on the drums for a bit. He tried to read. It was only three in the afternoon. He’d left Nick’s apartment barely five hours ago. And he missed him.

Charlie: You busy?
Nick: Not really. What’s up?
Charlie: …
Charlie: …
Charlie: I’m lonely
Nick: …
Nick: Well we can’t have that.

Charlie dropped the phone and scrubbed his face with his hands. That was stupid, he was being an idiot, Nick was going to think he was the clingiest, prissiest, neediest little drama queen. He stomped into the bathroom and splashed some water on his face, and for some stupid reason put on eyeliner to distract himself from looking at the time every ten seconds. He rearranged his hair multiple times and was about to scrub off the eyeliner when he heard the knock.

Had Nick run over? He did seem a bit breathless and he was leaning against the doorframe slightly as Charlie opened it.

“Hi,” he huffed.

“Hi,” Charlie replied, “Sorry if I was–”

Nick pushed his way into the apartment and cupped Charlie’s jaw. “What on earth are you apologizing for, Charlie?” He leaned against the door to shut it, then pulled Charlie into him and kissed him. He wrapped one arm around Charlie’s waist and the other around his back and pushed him into the wall. He adjusted his grip slightly and then lifted the shorter man up so that Charlie’s legs could wrap around his hips and then pressed into him, hard.

“I was afraid you would think I was being clingy,” Charlie gasped out between kisses.

“I think clinging is necessary just at the moment,” Nick quipped and kissed him again.

Some part of him was aware that Nick had said something somewhat clever and he should respond, but his brain was rather stuck on the sensation of being crushed between Nick and the wall and everything sensible was going offline in favor of little storms of hormones crashing through him. Nick bucked against him and grasped his arms, pinning his wrists on either side of his face. He tightened the grip of his legs around Nick and moaned as Nick moved against him again.

“Charlie, I’m not sure my arm will hold up if we try more than this on the wall, but is this what you had in mind?”

Nick had listened to him, had heard him and remembered and had taken him seriously. Which was almost as sexy as being pinned against the wall by him like a butterfly in a tray. Oh god, no it wasn’t, it wasn’t even close. The physical sensation was almost too much. He tried to move his hands but Nick just pressed harder on his wrists. He pulled Nick even closer with the strength of his thighs and tried to match his rhythm as they undulated against each other.

“You remembered,” he panted. “And yes, this feels…so much better than I imagined.”

Nick bit at his neck. “You imagined this?”

“So many times, Nick. Oh my god, can we please go to my room?”

Nick released his grip on Charlie’s wrists and took a small step back from the wall. Charlie threw his arms around Nick’s shoulders to avoid falling back and let out a small and somewhat hysterical giggle as Nick carried him to the bedroom. “What else did you imagine?” Nick whispered against his neck.

Charlie shook his head as he slid down Nick’s chest to stand unsteadily on his own two feet again. “It’s your turn to share, Nick. What did you imagine?”

It was worth it just to see the blush that spread over Nick’s face and neck. Nick kicked off his shoes and sat on the bed. “I– I thought about you sucking me off,” he admitted.

Charlie smirked at him and leaned over Nick. “Yeah?” He tucked two fingers under the waistband of Nick’s joggers. “We can definitely make that little fantasy come true. Tell me about it.”

“What do you mean?” Nick watched Charlie’s fingers intently as he dragged his joggers and boxers off together, leaving him half naked on the duvet.

“Like, where, when? That sort of thing.”

“Charlie,” he moaned as he ghosted his fingers over his straining cock, barely touching him. “You’re teasing me.”

“I’m not,” he lied. “I just want to know.”

Nick ran his fingers through Charlie’s hair. “Fine. Sometimes I’d see you in the stands at rugby games. Oh, oh my god Charlie!” He gasped as Charlie ran his tongue over him. He stopped to look up at Nick expectantly, quirking one eyebrow at him. “And I’d imagine being the last one to get cleaned up and you sneaking into the locker room and dropping down to your knees for me in the shower.” Charlie rewarded him by taking the tip of him between his lips and applying a slight suction.

“What else, Nick? Tell me.”

“In the library.” His grip on Charlie’s hair tightened and he could feel Nick holding himself back from yanking him further down. “Sometimes you do this thing when you’re concentrating.” He stopped to catch his breath. “You roll your pen against your bottom lip. So fucking distracting.” Charlie smiled and surged forward to take as much of Nick into his mouth as he could manage. “And yeah, that – that is exactly what I pictured you sliding under the table to do to me. Oh fuck, Charlie, that’s so good.”

Charlie thought about pausing to ask him for another, but it was already fritzing his brain a bit that Nick had just described two of his own idle daydreams and also how exactly had he not taken Nick in his mouth in either of their earlier romps. The weight and heft of him filling his cheek as he took him in at an angle for greater depth, the taste of him against his tongue, Nick’s hands grasping at his hair making his scalp tingle – all of it was so hot and immediate. Nick moaned again and Charlie felt his legs tense with the effort not to thrust. He made up his mind to do this at least once a day. Knowing he could make Nick feel this way made him feel powerful. His own cock throbbed as Nick muttered at him about how hot and good and beautiful he was. His hands stroked up and down Nick’s legs until he jerked one away and hissed ticklish at him and he stowed that knowledge away for later as he kept rocking himself back and forth until he felt Nick start to twitch. He pulled back slowly and smirked at the whimper Nick gave as his prick bounced back against his stomach.

“Don’t move,” he said as he stood, reaching into his nightstand. He dropped a condom on the mattress next to Nick’s hand and squeezed lube over his fingers. He straddled Nick and lifted up slightly on his knees. “Put that on,” he ordered quietly as he reached behind himself.

“I want to do that,” Nick protested quietly, but he shook his head. He was already fairly open from before and he didn’t have the patience. Still buzzing from frotting against the wall and the taste of Nick on his tongue and he was just ready.

Nick looked completely distracted by what he was doing, though he couldn’t see anything from that angle. Charlie shot the condom a significant glance and Nick finally ripped the package open and rolled it on. One hand on Nick’s cock to hold it in place and the other braced on Nick’s shoulder he lowered himself slowly until he was fully seated inside him. His boyfriend’s mouth dropped open and Charlie leaned forward to kiss him. “You like this?”

“Charlie,” he hissed. “Oh my god, you feel so hot and tight, and please will you move, baby?”

“Nah, I’m good here,” he teased. Nick laughed and the tremor of it ran right up Charlie’s spine. He threw an arm over Nick’s shoulders and used it to help pump himself slowly up and down, making little circles with his hips as he went. “Actually this is better.”

“God, it really is.” Nick’s hips bucked up just slightly as Charlie moved and he looked up at him like there was a supernova blazing across his view. The attention would have bothered him if it were anyone else, but he could tell Nick’s astonishment was genuine.

He picked up speed and Nick reached between them to stroke Charlie; he was learning and it made Charlie want to shout. “That’s good, Nick. Please keep touching me.”

“Please keep doing that,” Nick replied. “That feels…amazing, Charlie.”

“Yeah, you like that, being so deep inside me?”

“Oh god, Charlie. You’re so hard, baby.”

“Because your cock inside me feels so good, Nick. Gonna make such a mess all over you.” He dropped his forehead onto Nick’s shoulder. He wasn’t like this, he didn’t talk like this, but it was obvious Nick liked it and pretending to be confident was actually making him feel confident. “This feels so good, but can we change it up?”

Nick’s head shot up. “Of course, Charlie, whatever you want.” He groaned as he lifted himself off of Nick’s lap and then pulled him down on top of him. “I’m starting to think you like it when I smash you,” Nick teased. Charlie laughed and gently added some lube to Nick’s cock and then guided him to right where he needed him.

He stroked up into him and Charlie gasped. Nick pushed one of his legs up over his shoulder and Charlie grabbed at the sheet for purchase as he sped up. His breath was coming in pants and he could feel sweat pooling under his back. He brought a hand around to grip his cock, but Nick beat him to it. “Want to make you feel good, Charlie.”

“Keep doing that,” Charlie begged. “That’s so good Nick, please just keep fucking me.” He could feel himself starting to come apart the faster Nick pumped into him.

“Charlie, my Charlie, so hot and tight and perfect, and god I just want to keep doing this forever.”

Good, he thought to himself as he gasped and pitched into Nick. Let’s do this forever. He cried out as Nick’s thrusts became rhythmless and frantic. He glanced up at Nick’s wrecked face and then closed his eyes to feel everything that much more. Stars flashed behind his lids and he felt that electric pulse from his scalp to his toes and his entire mind went blank. When he was capable of coherent thought again, Nick had collapsed against him and was frantically kissing his jaw and neck.

“I think I lost it there at the end a little bit,” Nick admitted.

“That is rather the point, sweetheart.”

Nick threaded his messy fingers through Charlie’s and he couldn’t be bothered to care. “I like you calling me sweetheart.”

Charlie kissed him and relished the feeling of Nick’s weight on him before Nick inevitably realized he was crushing him and started to shift off. He felt cold and exposed and he scrunched himself under the duvet as he watched Nick fish around for his pants. He kissed Charlie again and then slipped into the hallway. He returned a few minutes later with a damp flannel and an embarrassed grin.

“So, James is home.” The flannel tickled at his stomach as Nick wiped him down. He let himself laugh. “He asked me to tell you that he’s going to take a nap now that we are done being loud.”

“Between James and Darcy, I am starting to think we might be a little noisy.”

“Can I buy you dinner after all?” Nick asked. “There’s a place about a fifteen minute walk from here that I quite like.” They dressed and tried not to make too much noise on their way out; James needed his beauty rest to be ready to take on the evening. Nick’s pub was a good walk from campus, and it wasn’t a student hangout. It was a proper neighborhood pub with families and dogs on the patio. They ordered pies and pints and snuggled into a booth together. “I’m so glad you texted me this afternoon. I was really missing you already.”

He rolled his eyes. “Nick, it was only a few hours, you sap,” he poked, as though he himself had not been missing Nick with every fiber of his being when he had sent his summons.

“I really do love you, you know that right?”

Charlie grasped his hand and kissed his knuckles. “I love you too, Nick.”

They ate their dinners and had two more rounds, laughing and talking about their friends. It was a slow walk home and Nick followed Charlie back into his flat. It was quiet again, James back out for the evening. Charlie set his laptop on a chair by the bed and Nick curled around him so they could watch a movie. When he woke in the morning, Nick was still firmly wrapped around him.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The school year was coming to an end. It would be exam season soon. He still needed a summer job and to figure out where he was living once the girls finished their courses and headed off into the working world. But the most important thing in his life had been figured out at least.

Charlie was in the stands again for his last rugby game and at the pub later, he made a point of referring to Charlie as his boyfriend. The total lack of surprise on his teammates’ faces was a little sobering but also a huge relief. His father had not exactly responded well when he had called to tell him he had someone important in his life, and that the someone was a man. He had made a few excruciating comments about how Nick was young and would eventually be ready to settle down, the implication being that whoever he eventually settled down with would be a woman. But he did not, as David had warned him, threaten to pull funding for Nick’s post-graduate teacher training.

He apparently got grandfathered into movie night, despite his change in status. Isaac and James both seemed overjoyed about him and Charlie. Helping Tao with the dishes one evening, he turned to Nick and said, “I’m glad you and Charlie worked this all out, like I’m happy for you. I’m still a bit pissed off at you for jerking him around for so long.”

“I’m still a bit pissed off at myself for that as well,” Nick told him.

Tao nodded at him. “In that case, I approve. Don’t mess it up.”

That sentiment was perhaps slightly out of line. Did he really need Tao’s approval? He watched Charlie laugh at something Tao said to him and the way Tao gently touched Charlie’s shoulder and thought that actually, maybe he did. It certainly didn’t hurt to have it.

Nick should have known better than to think Charlie would go easy on him on a run now that they were together. If anything, he seemed even more delighted to fly past him with a huge grin as he lapped him. Suggesting they go get cleaned up together did seem to throw him, and that made Nick feel a bit better. As did the sound of Charlie’s shouts echoing off the tile.

They splayed out on Charlie’s bed in their pants. They were meant to be cooling off after the hot shower, but they ended up entwined around each other anyway. “You know, I got a job in town for the summer, it’s like an internship thing so my parents can’t really argue with me about it. Do you know what you’re doing this summer yet?”

“Coach says I can still help with the camps this summer and my PT agrees, so now I just need to figure out where I’m going to live. You know the girls are moving to Bristol after graduation.”

“That’s going to be hard for you, isn’t it?” Charlie rolled over to face away from him and dragged Nick’s arm over his chest. He had learned to recognize this as a signal that Charlie was about to say something particularly vulnerable so he grabbed his hand and braced himself. “You know, James is graduating too and moving off to London. So we need a fourth in the flat. If you’re interested. It’s okay if you’re not.” Charlie said the last part quickly, like he was unsure of Nick’s response. “I mean, either way, it's, you know, fine.”

His immediate reaction was that this was the best idea he had heard in months. Was it practical though, he wondered, was it too soon? Maybe it would be okay; they’d still have their own spaces to retreat to if they needed it. Not that they fought much, but maybe that was just because it was early days but maybe not, after all they’d been friends for ages and Charlie was hardly delicate with him. If anything he had been leaning into brutal honesty.

“Sorry, that was stupid,” Charlie blurted and started to wriggle away from him. It broke Nick’s thought spiral and he shook his head to clear it.

“It’s not.” Nick pulled him closer. “I just worry about you getting sick of me.”

“Nick I literally make an excuse for you to come over any time we’re apart for more than two hours. I have no idea how I’ve managed to not put you off with my level of desperation.”

He lifted up and rolled Charlie onto his back so they could see each other’s face. “Charlie, you’re not going to ‘put me off’ by wanting to be around me. You’re not the only needy one in this relationship.”

“So you do think I’m needy?”

He tilted his head at Charlie. “I think we both are. I think maybe we are both a little scared that we will wreck this somehow. Which I also think is why we won’t. It’s too important to both of us.”

“I love you so much that it scares me sometimes, Nick.”

Nick kissed him and rested one hand on Charlie’s chest, over his heart. “I think I know what you mean. It used to scare me too. How much I love you, I mean. Your love doesn’t scare me at all.” He took a deep breath. “If I move in, you have to promise me that you’ll tell me when you need space or if I’m annoying you or stressing you out. Or if I’m breaking any of Tao’s unspoken house rules that are going to get me in trouble.”

“Oh, I’m always in trouble with Tao. You get used to it.” Charlie smiled up at him.

“Yes, but Tao loves you. He grudgingly tolerates me.”

Charlie reached up to trace his fingers over Nick’s face. “I promise to tell you.”

He turned his face into Charlie’s palm and kissed it. “If Tao agrees, I’ll move in once James moves out.” He nestled into Charlie and rested his head on his chest. It made him smile to think about living together. His mind immediately leapt to the end of the next year, when they’d be done with school and looking for jobs. Would they be able to find jobs together? Would Charlie want to? Would they get their own place somewhere? He felt Charlie’s breath slow down as he dozed off. He let his own breath slow as Charlie’s grip on his fingers slackened. They would figure out the future once they got there.

Chapter Text

Freddie is a total sweetie, an absolute gem.  Who is even named Freddie any more, yet somehow it works for him.  Or it was working for him.  James is starting to get a bit peeved with Freddie, who keeps trying to make plans for after graduation.  They both have jobs in London but they're not going to be working together, the city is expensive so they'll need shared flats.  Why shouldn't they just get a place together and save the money and avoid rooming with people who turn out to be rotters?   But James reminds him every time that they aren't dating, they aren't exclusive, they aren't 'together' and Freddie gets stroppy and then they either fight or fuck, and today it was fight.   So he's already in a mood when he gets home.

James has exams to study for and he needs to work on the paper that he and Freddie are supposed to be writing together when they aren't too busy yelling.  Or screwing.  But some days getting anything done at the flat is just impossible.  He's happy for Charlie.  Really, it's lovely and romantic.  

And LOUD.

He's known Charlie for years and has lived with him for two.  They used to go on the pull together and bring guys back to the flat, so it's not like he's never heard the occasional gasp or grunt or giggle from Charlie's room.  Charlie’s never been especially quiet, but everything with Nick is just next level and trying to balance equations at the dinner table in the kitchen while his dear, lovely friend is yelling out things like "yeah, is this what you wanted sweetheart?  Is that why you were being such a menace in the library today?  Because you couldn't wait for me to take you home and put you on your knees and fuck your tight hole?"   It's absolutely impossible.    

The two of them never seem to care when anyone else is home -- unless it's Tao.  For whatever reason they are silent as church mice whenever Tao's around.  He doubts they actually stop but somehow they are able to muffle it when he's there.  Otherwise, all bets are off.  Do they ever do any school work?  Because lately it seems like it doesn't matter whether its nine in the morning or three in the afternoon or eleven at night, the bed springs are creaking and Nick is begging Charlie to fuck him harder, or vice versa, and James hates that he can calculate that it's about a 60/40 split and also that he knows how unusual that is for Charlie.   

On the one hand, aspirational.  On the other, annoying as fuck.  He missed Freddie, Freddie with his jet curls and his plush bottom lip and his swimmer’s legs...  He should go and apologize.  But he still needs to finish his contributions to their paper.

James:  Isaac where are you?

Isaac:  Library.  

James:  Working or studying

Isaac:  Working now, studying later.  

James:  I can get nothing done here

Isaac: Come to the library.  I'll make tea.

James:  Is your scary friend going to stare at me the whole time?   

Isaac: He is not scary.

Isaac: Well maybe a little.

Isaac: He just thinks you are pretty.

James:  Isaac that is fucking terrifying.

James:  But not as terrifying as what I'm hearing right now.

Isaac:  Fucking terrifying or terrifying fucking.  Pick your poison.

James:  I HATE you for that you glorious bitch

James: BRT

He packs up his satchel and heads over.  There's something so especially gwauuugh about Charlie calling Nick 'sweetheart' while emitting a stream of comments about how hot and tight he is that just raises his hackles.  The fresh air helps, and then the sacred smell of must, dust and velum settles on him as he glides into the main library.  Isaac is behind the reception desk, helping a frazzled girl sort out a stack of books.  He heads over to the table where Isaac's giant bear of a friend is sitting. He smiles when he sees James and it always looks like he's an alien imitating human behavior when he smiles.  Given that he has been told by people that his own smile can be a bit intense, James actually finds it endearing.  He pokes Isaac over it, but actually he thinks Misha is fantastic.  Intimidating, but fantastic. 

"Jamesela, come and be sitting with me," he says, just a touch too loud for the library.  James wonders if he does it on purpose, just to make Isaac shoot him a look and shush him.  "Tell me everything about the research," he invites.   And James does tell him.   It's fun to have someone to nerd out about it with, someone who isn't trying to sleep with him. Even if he does think he’s ‘pretty’.  

As far as he can tell, Misha doesn't try to sleep with anyone.  He suspects that Misha and Isaac have that in common.  And he also suspects that Misha is in love with Isaac.  He's so solicitous of Isaac.  Obviously, he and Charlie and Tao love Isaac too, but they wouldn't notice when Isaac's tea cup is empty and jump to fill it or anticipate that Isaac will need a snack at three in the afternoon and quietly place a packet of almonds on the counter when Isaac's attention is diverted.  

James isn't quite sure how love works when you're asexual, but then again if his current ongoing argument with Freddie is anything to go by he doesn't understand how it works when you ARE sexual.  Oh no, oh Christ, is he in love with Freddie?  That isn't supposed to happen.  God, love is embarrassing.  

Around five, Isaac clocks out and joins them at the table, sitting next to Misha and across from James.  Misha has had Isaac’s laptop charging for the last hour so it's ready for him to sit down and start typing.  Isaac has brought all three of them fresh cups of tea, so they are ready for a good settle-in.  All three of them tippy-tap away for a good hour.  James pushes back to take a break and rest his eyes, stretching his arms overhead.  Which is when he notices that Misha and Isaac have also stopped typing and that they are reading each other's screens.  And gently touching hands.  Holding hands is too strong a description, but Misha's enormous paw is resting over Isaac's upturned palm on the table top.  

Looking at them makes him smile, and also makes his belly ache.  He misses Freddie.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The first few times it happened during his second month working in the library as a fresher, Isaac thought he was losing his mind.  Or that maybe he’d inadvertently done a favor for some fae creature who had decided to give him a baffling blessing.   Because he never had a cold or empty cup of tea.  He would get up to sort or reshelve or help a patron or lose himself in his book during a slow time — and find a fresh, hot cup of tea where his brackish, half-finished cup had been moments before.  

It takes him over a week to catch him at it — and it’s not a mythical creature, although something about Misha does seem otherworldly.  He’s so large.  It must be awkward to move through a world built for people who are so much smaller than you are.  Isaac is not exactly a petite person, but Misha looks like some sort of giant out of folklore, his huge hands carefully placing the cup of tea on the coaster.   He doesn’t work in the library, but Isaac figures when someone who looks like Misha appears in the staff room lounge and politely asks if he can make a cuppa, people are disinclined to argue.

The next day, at the end of his shift, he goes to the staff room and makes two cups of tea.  He brings them to the table where the giant seems to permanently reside and pushes one across the table to him.  And he officially meets Misha.  Misha is already working on his doctorate degree.  His mother had hoped he would read chemistry like she had; his father hoped he would play basketball.  He disappointed them both by falling in love with physics.

After a week of this tea and chit chat at the end of Isaac’s workday, Misha invites him on a walk.  Isaac thinks they are on a wander, but Misha guides him into a jazz club.  While the band is between sets, they have a conversation that is painfully awkward for Isaac but seems not to ruffle Misha one bit wherein Isaac explains that he is asexual, that he does not experience that sort of attraction and he hopes that Misha understands.  “Sex.  So messy.  Never saw the point,” Misha agrees.  Misha waves the roving waitress down for another round and Isaac sits back and marvels at him.  

This goes on for weeks.  They work in the library, they go on walks, they have drinks, they have dinner.  He thinks about inviting Misha to movie night, but it’s not entirely clear that he’s not a boyfriend.  He is certainly more than a friend, but he isn’t sure what that means for him.  He doesn’t know what exactly to call him. He reads a lot about ‘queerplatonic relationships’ and ‘romantic asexuals’ and nothing feels quite organic.  Misha clearly finds the quest for a label a bit.. cute, but he never makes fun of Isaac for doing his research on it.   He thinks maybe it could help him help other people understand their own relationships once he is a therapist.

Sometimes he sleeps on Misha’s couch.  By his second year, this has become a semi-regular thing.  Only on the weekends.  But during the week they see each other three of four times between library shifts and study dates.  It’s not until he’s known Misha nearly a year that he introduces him to James.  And he invites Tao to join them at a music venue Isaac thinks he would like.  He can’t explain it, but he’s reluctant to introduce Charlie.  So he doesn’t.  Misha watches him talk to Charlie when he comes to meet up with Nick on Wednesdays and asks about ‘his pretty friend’ and Isaac definitely doesn’t want to introduce them.  He meets some of the other physics students and their conversations are entertaining even if he can only follow about half of it.  They are nerd’s nerds, awkward but comfortable with themselves.  

As the end of his second year approaches, he realized that next spring he’s going to need to coordinate with Misha on where to do his own graduate work while Misha does his postdoc, because he and Misha will be going wherever they go next together.  When James joins them in the library one night, Isaac confesses this while Misha is making more tea.   James grabs his hand and kisses it.  “You know, I envy you.  I wish I had my own relationship figured out like you do.” 

“I know my relationship doesn’t look like other people’s, but I’m okay with that.”  He squeezes James.  “You know, maybe conventional isn’t for you either?”

James clicks his tongue at him.  “You know, that’s such a good point, Izzy .”  Only Misha calls him Izzy and James knows this.  “I think I’m going by the house to drop this off and then I’m heading out.  Shall we walk together?”

Isaac shakes his head and watches Misha walk back over with their tea.  “I’m staying with Mish tonight,” he says.  

James waggles an eyebrow at him.  “Don’t do anything I would do babes,” he jokes.  He takes his tea from Misha and blows them a kiss goodbye.  

He wakes up on Misha's couch to the smell of raf coffee and blintzes frying up. They go for a walk around campus and then back to Issac’s flat. They argue about their shared reading; Isaac has a very hard time adhering to their agreed upon schedules and not reading ahead in whatever novel they’ve agreed on.  Misha hugs him in front of the building, and it’s like being engulfed in sunshine.    

Isaac enters the flat on tiptoe, not wanting to interrupt anything in progress.  He can just slip into his room and turn on his music and not have to hear it.  There is sound coming from Charlie's room, but not the types of sounds they usually hear.  And Tao is poised by the door, fist up to knock, but holding back like there's an invisible person clutching his arms.

"I don't know what you want me to say here, Charlie!"

"I just don't understand.  I mean, you knew how I felt about you.   You had to know.  I wasn't subtle about it.  Did it not bother you at all that I was fucking other people?  I mean, I know it killed me when you were with Grace but the difference is I never knew we were even a possibility then! Did you just not care?"

"Of course it bothered me, Charlie!  I don't think you have any idea how much it bothered me.  I cared,  I just didn't think I could do anything about it so I just had to suffer through it.  It hurt so much, Charlie.  Why do you think I never hung around you and Des?  It was torture."

Tao turns to look at Isaac and opens his mouth soundlessly.  Isaac waves him over.  "I think they need to have this fight," he whispers to Tao.  

And boy, do they.  Isaac has watched them making heart eyes at each other since they finally got together, but he has also seen how Charlie will stop in the middle of what he’s doing sometimes to just stare into the middle distance and he knows Charlie’s brain is running in circles reevaluating his every interaction with Nick, his supposed ‘best friend’ who was obviously not being entirely honest with him.  He feels for Nick and he knows it must have been really hard, but there’s also a part of him, a deeply buried part of him, that wouldn’t mind boxing Nick’s ears himself for everything he put Charlie through.  

“They’ve been arguing for the better part of an hour,” Tao hisses back.

“Tao, they need to hash all this out.  I know you want to rescue Charlie from himself, but you need to leave this be.”

"But it was fine to drag me along to lunch with Grace like three times a week?!"

"That's not -- it was the other way around, Charlie.  I would totally forget that I was supposed to be meeting Grace.  God, I was such a shit boyfriend to her and I have no idea why she put up with it.  She totally knew too, Charlie, she used to call you 'my boyfriend'."

“If they break up, Charlie will self-destruct,” Tao whispers urgently.  

Ah, that explains why Tao looks so distressed.  They’ve nursed Charlie through a couple of particularly twisty downward spirals and the idea of doing it again gnaws his stomach raw.  But Isaac is quite sure that’s not going to happen.  “They aren’t going to break up.”

Charlie erupts into giggles.  "I have some idea of why she put up with it."

Isaac meets Tao's wide eyes.  He jerked his head toward the door.  "Let's go," he whispers urgently.

"Why?"

"I think they're about to make up."

"Oh, right!"  Tao grabs his backpack and his shoes.  "Let's do lunch!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~

He doesn’t go over to Freddie’s place.  He doesn’t call Freddie.  He doesn’t text Freddie.  Not for two days.   He works on the paper, he studies, he meets up with Misha and Isaac who are good for his productivity.  

Afterward, he goes home to change clothes.  As he is coming out of his room, he can hear Nick and Charlie yelling at each other.  And not in a sexy way.  Huh.  Considering all the nonsense Nick put Charlie through for ages, he probably needs a little yelling at.  Isaac had indicated that they seemed to be arguing the last couple of weeks, but it’s a first heard for him.  James ignored the shouting – something about a beach and how that was almost a year ago?  Instead he checked his fit in the mirror and headed out for the club. 

He was not going to think about Freddie; he was just going to have a good time.   But that was slightly complicated by the fact that Freddie was also there, looking delightfully sparkly and talking up someone delicious on the dancefloor.  Was it weird to love someone but also find it hot to watch them at work?  It was disconcerting, but also incredibly sexy.  Freddie was facing away from him, which was perfect because he could watch the other guy’s face as he fell under Freddie’s spell.  James ordered a drink and leaned against the bar, just observing the two of them.  

When the guy wandered over to the bar to put in a drink order, James wound through the writhing bodies and walked his fingers up Freddie’s spine.  “Well done, he’s gorgeous,” he said glibly. 

“Hey you, didn’t expect to see you tonight.”  Nothing defensive.  Which, why should he be?  They had never established that they were officially anything, mostly at James’ own insistence.

“Sorry I was a bitch last time we talked.” 

“Don’t do that, James, you’re allowed to feel differently than me about things.  It doesn’t make you a bitch.” 

“Well, let’s talk tomorrow maybe?”

“Are you going?”

“I mean, you seem a bit busy, babe.”

“Maybe we could be busy together?”

James managed not to choke on his drink, but it was a near thing.  “Really?”

Freddie shrugged and cocked an eyebrow at James.  God, he looked ridiculously good when he radiated confidence like that.  “I mean, if you’re into it.”

James watched the guy coming back from the bar with a drink in each hand.  He was shorter than James, taller than Freddie.  Had a build not totally unlike Nick’s with the big arms and the muscled legs, but with shaggy brown hair and big green eyes.  “I could get into it,” James decided aloud, slinging an arm around Freddie’s waist.  

They both laughed and the guy looked confused as he approached.  “Oh, am I … getting in the middle of something here?” he asked apologetically. 

“Would you like to get into the middle of something, Toby?”  Freddie asked.  

It took a moment for the guy to pick up the snap but when he did, his smile was beautiful.  Toby was warm and yielding and lovely between the two of them on the dance floor.  He was a delight to kiss and feel up, and watching Freddie make out with him was better.  Toby was even lovelier back at Freddie’s place with his lips wrapped around Freddie’s cock and James buried inside him.  He was overwhelmed watching it all and Freddie held his hand and shouted his name when he came down the other man’s throat.  After everyone got cleaned up and had a drink, Toby hinted that he wouldn’t mind doing that again, but their eyes met over his head and James explained that they were moving to London in a few weeks so they probably wouldn’t be up for a repeat.  

After Toby left, James made another round of G&Ts for Freddie and himself and ended up sitting on the floor next to the bed while Freddie lounged on the mattress and hung an arm over him.  Freddie turned on some music by Laufey and they both just rested against each other for a while. “I think we should talk about ethical non-monogamy, James.” 

“And what’s that when it’s at home?”

“Like, you and me, we are a pair.  But we’re not exclusive.  Like what we’ve been doing really, except we stop pretending that we’re not together.  But we can also sleep with other people, we’re just mindful about it.”

“How would that even work though?  If we’re living together, I don’t want to come home after a hard day in the lab and find you balls deep in some guy on the rug.”

“We would set rules, and maybe ‘no bringing people back to our place’ is one of those rules?”  Freddie ruffled his hair and kissed his shoulder.  “And we can revisit the rules as often as we need to.  If either of us is unhappy, we can change things.”

“And things like tonight?  Is that part of it too?”

“If you want it to be.  It was fun, wasn’t it?”

“Yes it was.”  He can feel himself blushing, which never happens.  Freddie stroked his warm cheek and kissed the top of his head with a little chuckle.  James isn’t sure he would want to do that on a regular basis or anything, but he certainly doesn’t hate the idea of repeating that.  “Can I think about it?”

“No darling, I need an answer in the next five minutes or the offer is totally off the table.”

“You’re such an arsehole.”

“You love my arsehole.” 

James leaned against the mattress and tipped his head up to kiss Freddie.  “I am fairly certain I love all of you,” he said. 

~~~~~~~~~~

Issac and Misha’s recent reading

The Chosen and The Beautiful by Nghi Vo. 
Issac thinks it’s immersive and captivating 

Misha thinks it’s an empty rehash of Gatsby that adds nothing substantial.

They spent a week arguing about it.  

Misha orders Isaac to read When the Angels Left the Old Country.

They both love it, which is nice, but not great for arguing which is half the fun

On the other hand, it prompts Misha to watch Good Omens with Isaac, which leads to good arguments not only with each other but also with Charlie once Isaac finally caves and introduces them.  Because clearly angels are genderless and not sexual beings -  no matter what Charlie thinks of applying that label to the dictionary definition of ‘thirst trap’ that is David Tennant.   The fact that they love each other notwithstanding. 

Loot by Tania James

Isaac found it to be an interesting insight into the impacts of colonialism

Mish found it busy with too many extraneous characters

Chapter Text

His brother makes a few snide remarks, his father remains baffled, but otherwise no one seems the least bit ruffled.  Well, a few of the guys on the rugby team are standoffish with him but mostly it's fine.  It makes him feel pretty foolish about having waited so long to come out given that the news was mostly greeted with an apathetic shrug.  It certainly is sobering given how many arguments he and Charlie have had about it, not that he can blame Charlie exactly.  He just hates fighting. In retrospect his hesitancy seems so dumb especially given the way it makes his heart seize up to imagine if he'd lost Charlie to someone braver than him, if another Des had come along before he got up the courage to tell Charlie.

Nick moves in after James moves out, and his room is mostly just a closet and a place to store extra baking pans because he sleeps in Charlie's room basically every night.  They fight less once they are living together, and Nick thinks maybe Charlie is starting to feel more secure about their relationship.   Dr. Kim agrees that’s likely.  He’s only seeing Dr. Kim every other week, and he’s starting to feel like maybe he’s getting closer to being the person he wants to be. 

Then one day Charlie gets released from his summer job early and comes to the rugby field to bring Nick an iced latte.  One minute he’s working with the kids on their rucking, then the next minute he's dumbstruck at the sight of his boyfriend on the bottom row of the bleachers. He's so happy to see Charlie, and he's gotten so used to their easy-going relationship that he doesn't even give a second thought to giving Charlie a quick kiss in exchange for the coffee.  

A couple of the under-tens he's working with make hooting noises and ask him about his boyfriend, but mostly they are just giggly and silly about it.  It's later when he's putting equipment away that he hears some of the teenagers talking about how they better watch their arses in the showers when Coach Nelson is around, and it throws him for a loop.  He knows they are just kids, just dumb fifteen-year-olds taking the piss.  But he feels sick; this is exactly what he was afraid of, what he was hoping to avoid.

He tries to remember what Dr. Kim said to do if something like this happened, how to talk to people who said shit – or not, how to process it, what to do about it.  He can’t sleep with Charlie that night; he hides himself in his room and texts Charlie that he had a bad day and isn’t going to be good company.   The urge to go and complain to Charlie is strong, but that wouldn’t be fair to Charlie to make him manage Nick's cowardice.  He’s got to push past it himself.

But at one am, he crawls into bed next to Charlie.

"Do you want me to kick their asses?" Charlie grumbles at him sleepily.

"Who?"

"Whoever made you feel bad about who you are."

"How do you just know everything?" he marvels.

Charlie yawns.  "I've been training with Isaac," he jokes and nuzzles into Nick's shoulder.   “If nursing doesn’t work out.  I’ll join his guild of mind-readers.”

He smiles at the fairly ludicrous notion of Charlie getting into fisticuffs with anyone and finally falls asleep with his boyfriend wrapped around him.  In the morning, he feels better.   So what if people say stupid shit about him.  It's okay, it will be okay.  And the alternative is so awful that it's not worth contemplating.  

He hadn't really understood until after he’d been out for a while that coming out wouldn't be this event he just had to power through.  It would be something he had to do again and again and again.  When he starts his student teaching gig in the fall, the teacher he's shadowing asks him about his weekend and he talks about all the things that he and Charlie did -- well, not all the things -- and afterward she says, "Charlie sounds like a real pip, I can't wait to meet her."   And he realizes he had not used any pronouns for Charlie or said the word boyfriend .  Did he do it on purpose?  Was he avoiding, ducking?   

He cleared his throat and got out his phone.  "Actually, this is me and Charlie."  He showed her a picture of them at brunch a few weeks ago.  Isaac had taken it.  They were smiley and slightly sleepy.  He liked it because of the easy way Charlie was leant against him.

"Ah," she said a bit tightly.  "That's nice."   

She didn't ask much about his weekends after that.  

"Some people will just be assholes," Charlie reminds him. "It's so much better than it used to be, but I was surprised by how nasty some people were when I got outed at school."

Over Christmas, they visit their families.  First they go to his mum's where things go pretty great. She adores Charlie and together they convince Charlie to put on the ridiculous Dr. Who Christmas jumper Nick bought for him and sing for them again.  David brings a girl home and she's shockingly nice, way too nice to be dating David, and his brother is on his best behavior.  He’s clearly trying to impress this girl and also possibly he’s beginning to mellow.  Either way, it makes for much less tension.  After a lovely Christmas breakfast and a long walk with the dogs, they pack up cookies and a bottle of wine and drive to Rochester.

It's much more tense at Charlie's house.  His parents seem a bit baffled by Nick. They hover over Charlie at dinner, and they are very weird about them sharing Charlie's tiny childhood bed. That night Charlie presses his hand over Nick's mouth as he fucks him, the yellow light of a big neon 'music' sign over the bed reflecting in his eyes and making them glow.  Both of them laugh their way through it and Nick teases Charlie about hogging the mattress as they wriggle around to find a comfortable way to fold all their long limbs into the small space.  The next day, Charlie's parents have to go back to work and Nick offers to make dinner that night as a thank you for them hosting him.   After a bunch of very fraught exchanged looks, they acquiesce.

They grocery shop together and a few people wave at Charlie and while he waves back, he doesn't seem interested in a catchup with anyone.  He recalls what Charlie has told him over the years about how much he isolated himself after his outing, just him and his merry band of misfits looking out for each other.   At one point, he wanders off to go pick out some wine while Nick collects the rest of the ingredients.

When he rolls the shopping back to the liquor aisle, he sees Charlie from the back. Some tall, dark-haired man is standing over him.  He can see that Charlie's arms are crossed over his chest protectively, but he's not cowering.  They are clearly arguing.  The guy runs his fingers up Charlie's arm and he hears the connection as Charlie smacks the guy's hand away.  He can see the guy smirking in response and he restrains himself from running down the aisle.  


"Everything okay here?" he asks, trying for a neutral tone as he wheels the trolley up beside Charlie, forcing the other guy to take a step back.

"This is none of your concern," the guy responds.

"Like hell it isn't."  He gently puts a hand on Charlie's back.  "You okay, baby?"

Charlie turns to face him and he watches the crease in his forehead relax. "I still need to pick out the wine," he says quietly.  "I wasn't sure if we should do red or white."

"This conversation isn't over," Dark-Haired Wanker insists.  

"Looks like it is," Nick replies pointedly as Charlie continues to smile at him and put a hand on his chest like there's not some asshole standing behind him trying to get his attention.  The guy gets increasingly agitated the more Charlie blatantly ignores him. Charlie babbles about how he knows white is usually what you want with chicken but he wasn't sure with the sauce if you'd want a red to cut the richness.  Nick stares the guy down over Charlie's shoulder until he finally throws his hands up and stalks away with the weirdest, stiffest posture Nick has ever seen.  "Who was that guy?"

"No one important," Charlie says.

"He seems to think otherwise."

"Yeah?  He always did," Charlie says and hands him a bottle for inspection.  "How about this one?"

Nick puts the bottle in the trolley and hugs Charlie tightly.  It's okay that Charlie doesn't tell him everything.  He doesn't like it, but it's okay.  Dinner goes over well and Charlie's parents seem to warm up to him a bit.   Charlie's sister is there too, with her... person, who is the most enthusiastic individual Nick has ever met.  That night, Charlie clearly needs to be fucked, and he holds Nick around the shoulders and hides his face in Nick's chest and cries as he gasps out his release.  Afterwards he strokes Charlie's back and reminds him that he can talk to him about anything.  But Charlie just wants to clean them up and go to sleep.  

When they get home, they celebrate the new year together and he gets to kiss Charlie at midnight.  Nick decides to make a fresh start of a few things as he prepares to move to his second school for training.  He makes the decision to be a bit more openly out.  He wears a pride pin every day.  He tells the people he's working with about Charlie as soon as they ask him about himself.  He has braced for impact, but it goes fine.   Charlie even comes out for an hour or so on the school's Sports Day to watch the kids run track and play touch rugby while Nick cheers them on from the sidelines.  

"Your husband is really cute," one of the parents says to him.  She has stayed late to help clean up.  She's one of those parents the school relies on to keep running.  He hopes when he's a real teacher that he'll have a few parents like her around.   

"Oh, he's not my husband," and then he hears himself say, "yet."

That night he's bouncing off the walls and he can't tell Charlie why.  He doesn't know if Charlie's ready for that conversation and he doesn't think he'll ever recover if he brings it up and Charlie balks.  

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Charlie attempts to sweet-talk the car into starting and it finally turns over on the fourth try.  It was already several years old when Sarah gave it to Nick when he turned 17, and now at the ripe old age of eleven, the vehicle is still puttering along, but just barely.  They need it to last at least another six months.   At that point, they'll both have been working long enough to have saved up a bit of money to get someone slightly less aged.  

He parks it next to the field and waits patiently for Nick to emerge.   He's wearing his coaching gear, the khaki shorts and the adorable tight polo and the whistle.  A couple of the yummy mummy types there to collect their little rugby players try to chat up Nick.  It’s more amusing than threatening, especially as Nick seems so oblivious to the attention.  He notices Charlie idling and waves frantically.  Charlie waves back as he feels the mums’ eyes track to him. Once in the car Nick reaches over and kisses Charlie. "Did you get everything?" he asks.

"God I hope so," he huffs.  "It took me three trips.  I kept discovering more things we needed.  Also, I'll be really glad when you start getting an actual salary instead of being paid in macaroni art."  

Nick clicks his tongue at him and leans back against the seat, rolling the window further down.  "I appreciate that you've been carrying us these last couple of months, Char.  At least with this coaching thing, I can make a little extra.  I hate being a mooch."

Charlie squeezes his hand. "You're hardly mooching, Nick."  He giggled a bit.  "I'm the one who slacked off while you and Misha carried all the furniture in."

"Still not sure how you convinced him to do that."

"I told him it was his fault Isaac was leaving me.  For Scotland of all places.  I guilted him into it."

"You mean you guilted Isaac into guilting him into it?"

"Yes, that," Charlie admits.  He had used the excuse of having a sore back from lifting patients onto gurneys all day and then kicked back and watched his fit boyfriend and Isaac's enormous ... helpmeet carry their second-hand furniture up the stairs while he and Isaac unpacked the kitchen.  There wasn't that much to move.  They had a couch and tv stand, a small table and four chairs, a dresser, a bed with a new mattress thanks to Sarah, a desk, Charlie's drums, and a few bookshelves. What they did not have, as Charlie had discovered as he tried to get things set up, were bins for the kitchen and bathroom, a sufficient complement of cleaning products, a hoover, and certainly not near enough gin.  

Nick helped him carry the supplies up and he complimented how much Charlie had managed to get done.  Clothes, books, linens, and most of the kitchen were unpacked.  They still needed a few things -- maybe a few throw rugs and it would be lovely to get a few newer towels.   But all of that could wait until they next were paid.  The shopping today had left little to carry them until the end of the month.  

Charlie mixed cocktails and Nick made a salad to go with one of the freezer dishes Sarah had stocked them up with.   He got the distinct impression that she'd like to have done more to help, but he was proud of Nick for gently letting her know that it was important to them that they mostly stood on their own.   She'd done more than enough over the years.  

"Do you have everything you need to start setting up your classroom on Monday?" he asked Nick as they tucked in.  

"I think so.  The head said there's an entire cupboard full of decorations and Isaac gave me all those wonderful books."   Nick asked about Charlie’s day and they chatted as they ate.  It occurred to Charlie that this was the start of their new way of life, new patterns, new routines.  And he liked it, liked being in their own place just the two of them and figuring out their lives together.  

He dried the dishes as Nick washed.  "Mr. Nelson.  You’re going to do an amazing job.  The kids will love you.”

“Maybe,” Nick sighed as he dried his hands.

“The rugby kids love you, your students will love you, our kids will love –”

“Our kids?” 

They stared at each other for a solid minute.  “Yeah,” Charlie said slowly.  “You know, if you wanted to.”  He watched as Nick broke into a smile.  “I mean, we should probably wait until we can afford a more reliable car but… yeah.”

Charlie let out a squeak as Nick threw him over his shoulder and carried him to the bed.  “I love you, Charlie Spring.” 

“We should probably talk about this more,” Charlie protested.  

“True, but it’s hardly likely we’re going to end up with a child accidentally, is it?” 

“Not unless you’ve been up to something you haven’t told me about,” Charlie grumbled, upset with himself for letting one of the gremlins in his brain attempt to ruin the moment, specifically the one that constantly wondered if he is enough for Nick, if Nick missed being with girls. 

“Well, maybe we can talk about it again in like five to eight years?  I only just got you all to myself,”  Nick teased, ignoring the barb from Charlie.  “No roommates to bang on the walls or glare at us in the morning.” He rolled Charlie under him and Charlie sighed as he was sandwiched between the gloriously firm new mattress and his gloriously firm boyfriend.  “And you’re it for me, Charlie, don’t you know that by now?”  Oh, so not entirely ignoring it then.  He let his legs fall open on either side of Nick’s and reached between them to tug Nick’s shirt off.  “Charlie,” Nick groaned as he ran kisses up Charlie’s neck.  “You do know that?”

“Yeah,” Charlie agreed.  “Mostly.”  He needed to stop being honest, he chided himself, he was going to hurt Nick’s feelings.   Nick pushed up so he could see Charlie’s face and he looked sad. “Nick, it’s not because of anything you’re doing or not doing, it’s just my brain, okay. I do know, really I do.  I just also, you know, I’m me , so I’m always just going to be slightly anxious about everything.”

“So does this mean I’ve moved into first place on the ‘top ten things Charlie worries about’ list?” Nick asked, and Charlie relaxed as he realized Nick wasn’t going to push him too much.

“You were always there, you idiot, I just couldn’t tell you that back then.”  He curled up to kiss Nick and to allow Nick to strip his shirt over his head and shoulders.  “Back when I had no idea you fancied me.” 

Nick ran a hand from Charlie’s stomach up to his chest and thumbed his right nipple, grinning at the gasp that elicited from Charlie.  “I fancied you from the moment I laid eyes on you at that social.” He traced his fingers along Charlie’s throat and then up into his hair and tugged.  “Can I fuck you tonight, Charlie?”

Charlie closed his eyes and nodded.  “Please.” He let himself fall back, let Nick get them fully undressed.  For the moment he just wanted to lie there and be taken care of, to enjoy Nick's hands and Nick’s lips all over him.  Also they needed to get some little bedside tables because having the lube and condoms in a box under the bed was terribly inconvenient though he did appreciate the view of Nick’s bum as he reached to retrieve them. 

“The place looks great, Charlie,” Nick murmured as he kissed his way down Charlie’s torso.  “Thank you for doing all that. It’s really starting to look like a home”. 

“Nick, stop stroking my ego and stroke something else.”

Nick paused at his navel. “Anything in particular?” he teased as he rubbed his somewhat stubbly cheek against Charlie’s stomach. “Like this?” he asked, dragging his fingers up Charlie’s side in a way that was on the edge of tickling. “Or this?” He slid his hand down Charlie’s arm and kissed the inside of his elbow.  

It all felt lovely but was very much not the sensation he was seeking. He blew out a sigh and threw a leg over Nick's hips and rolled them both over.  He grinned at the way Nick blinked at him. It always startled him when Charlie reminded him how strong his legs were.  “Nick, next time just ask for what you want instead of trying to anticipate what I want, sweetheart.” 

“I don’t…” he tried to protest, but stopped speaking as he watched Charlie open the lube. He was blushing so prettily that Charlie knew he was right. “It’s not like I mind, if that’s what you want.  I love fucking you, Charlie.”

“As you should,” Charlie agreed, warming the lube in his hand.  “But I don’t think that’s what you want tonight or you’d have done it already instead of teasing like that.” 

“Charlie…”

“Am I wrong?” Nick responded by shoving a pillow under his hips and looking at him shyly.  Charlie leaned down and kissed him sweetly as he trailed slick fingers over his entrance. 

“You’re never wrong.” Nick gasped as Charlie’s finger pressed in. Charlie laughed and kissed Nick again. “Not about this anyway,” he amended. 

Charlie grabbed Nick's hand and placed it on his cock. “Not exactly objecting either, am I?”

Nick stroked him in time with the movement of his fingers and let his head fall back. “Charlie, please I want it.”

“Look at you, using your words.”  He kissed his neck and then sat back a bit, thrusting into Nick's grip on him. “I think you’re going to get it.”

He was tempted to needle Nick a bit more but instead he rolled the condom on, held Nick's eyes as he eased into him until he bottomed out and both had to close their eyes for a moment.  It wasn’t exactly evolved of him, he knew, the fact that some part of him still felt like he was getting away with something every time he fucked Nick. Nick gripped his hips and whined, urging him to move and Charlie complied, hands braced on Nick's biceps.  Nick, all of him, laid out underneath him and grasping at him and moaning for him, it was still a shock to him sometimes, that it was real. 

Nick’s head rolled back as Charlie moved and his eyes widened. He looked so wrecked and vulnerable under him. “You like that, sweetheart? You want some more?”

“Please.”

“Please what, darling?”

“Please, Charlie, fuck me harder.”

“Jesus, Nick,” he gasped.  He moved a bit faster and sat back slightly, moving his hands to Nick's knees, tilting him back slightly for a better view of his cock sinking into him over and over again. “Look at you taking me so well, you were made to take me weren’t you sweetheart.  Only me.”

Nick’s cock jumped against his stomach and Charlie took pity on him and took him gently in hand. “My needy boy,” he whispered. He wasn’t going to last much longer.  Nick pulsed in his hand and clenched around his cock, fingers digging into his glutes. Nick was chanting his name Charlie, Charlie, Charlie over and over as he pressed up to meet Charlie’s thrusts. 

He felt Nick tense under him and he thrust three more times and called Nick’s name as he released and fell into him, gasping at the rush of Nick spending over his fist. When he got his breath back he laughed and Nick grinned shyly at him. “Don’t laugh at me, Charlie.”

“M’not. Just happy,” he explained.  “You make me happy, Nick.”

“I want to make you happy forever, Charlie.”

They got cleaned up and wriggled into the fresh sheets in their new place.  Nick pillowed himself on Charlie’s chest and promptly fell asleep. Charlie stroked his hair and looked around the room, faintly lit by the streetlight outside the window. Better curtains; he would add that to the wish list.  He imagined the walls filling up with posters from concerts they’d attend together, one of Elle’s paintings, pictures with a dog, maybe photos of a little boy and girl, Nick’s teacher of the year plaque. Forever sounded pretty good. 

Fin

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bonus Content -- thank you to the discord fan club for encouraging me to come up with this smutitude.

Charlie’s Top Ten Nick-Related Fantasies

Rankings change depending on the day, but a rough cut.

One: Following Nick into an empty locker room after a win and congratulating him very thoroughly with his tongue.

Two:  Nick is carrying something - what is really immaterial.  Charlie compliments or teases (depending on mood) about his utility as a porter.   Nick asserts he could easily lift Charlie and demonstrates.  Charlie is pressed between Nick and the nearest available structure and nudity follows. 

Three:  Nick finally catches him on a run and tosses him over his shoulder and carries him somewhere with a soft surface.  (Yes, the being picked up is a theme.  Can you blame him)

Four:  They realize the library has gone dark and that it’s been locked up and they’re alone inside.   Nick worries that they’ll be in trouble.  Charlie comforts him by distracting him with a very thorough fucking on their usual study carrel.  This fantasy has often made it difficult to leave the library without an obvious display of interest.

Five:  Nick is terribly ill with a fever and doesn’t want Charlie to leave.  He’s also too hot to sleep with a shirt on and needs to be held.  When his fever breaks and he wakes up, he is very grateful to Charlie for taking such good care of him while he was poorly.

Six:  Nick joins him in the shower.  There’s no narrative.  Sometimes you don’t need a story, especially when there are three other people who also need a shower in the morning.

Seven:  Sitting on the patio of a cafe in Paris, listening to Nick speak French with some passers-by about their dog.  What?  Not every fantasy has to involve bending Nick over.  Settle down, horndogs. 

Eight:  Charlie is out at the club dancing with some smoking hot stranger when suddenly Nick is there pushing random hot guy out of the way and dragging Charlie out the back way and dropping to his knees and ordering Charlie never to go home with anyone else ever again.

Nine:  They go back to the beach near where Nick grew up but this time they go night swimming together.  Aquatic sex is impractical but it makes for a perfectly fine fantasy.

Ten:  Charlie has tried to cook something impressive for Nick but instead has made a terrible, terrible mess of the kitchen and needs to be taught a lesson about not touching Nick’s special pans without asking…