Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

GC: Squaaaaad

Dearest Angelica:
you all are royally fucked
hrh mr frederick passed out a pop quiz
no survivors

My Laurens <3:
oh fuck oh no
how bad is it

Wifey Eliza:
so bad

Dearest Angelica:
think of the baddest possible scenario
add another suitcase full of bad

A.Ham:
please
you realize he presets the answers
ten questions, always the same answer pattern
a d d c a b b a d c

Dearest Angelica:
A RE YOU FUKCING KID DING ME
YOU KNEW AND YOIU NEVER DSAID????

A.Ham:
you never asked

Dearest Angelica:
ALEX WTF

Baguette Fucker:
mdrrrr dick move mon ami

Wifey Eliza:
alex how long have you known that

A.Ham:
since freshman year
did you guys seriously not notice?

My Laurens <3:
babe, no one cares enough to remember all that

Dearest Angelica:
I'M SO FUCKING DONE RN I CALL FOR BANISHMENT

Go The Distance:
dude i failed his last pop quiz
definitely something you needed to share
motion seconded, time for a vote

A.Ham:
OH COME ON

Baguette Fucker:
d’accord. its a yes from me
sharing is caring, alex

Wifey Eliza:
angie is glaring at me and also i probably did terribly
so i vote for banishment

My Laurens <3:
abstain

Baguette Fucker:
funny how you always abstain when it comes to him

A.Ham:
john rlly im doomed at this point

My Laurens <3:
yeah okay but I don't even have frederick so

Go The Distance:
whatever doesnt matter
the motion carries, any last words hamilton?

A.Ham:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF
THE GROUPCHAT

....................../´¯/) …..
....................,/¯../ …...
.................../..../ …….
............./´¯/'...'/´¯¯`·¸ ..
........../'/.../..../......./¨¯\
........('(...´...´.... ¯~/'...')
.........\.................'...../
..........''...\.......... _.·´ …..
............\..............( ….
..............\.............\....

Go The Distance removed A.Ham from the chat.

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iMessage: My Laurens <3

My Laurens <3:
they’re trying to decide how long to ban you.
mulligan’s trying for a week
me and eliza are pitching before the end of the period

A.Ham:
all bets are off if i get back before lunch

My Laurens <3:
just a typical tuesday for you
when you get back in want to retaliate
by being disgustingly cute?

A.Ham:
how dare you
im already cute

My Laurens <3:
no complaints here

A.Ham:
:-)
got nothing on you though

My Laurens <3:
you’re insatiable

A.Ham:
looooove youuuuu <3

Chapter Text

iMessage: Go The Distance

10:03

A.Ham:
herc u gotta lift the ban rn
im telling you let me back in the chat
im in bio with franklin and i swear he's high

10:06

A.Ham:
hes nOT EVEN TEACHING BIOLOGY HERC
HES EXPLAINING WHERE THE WORD FUCK CAME FROM

10:11

A.Ham:
hes standing on his desk telling his life story
mulligan he was once stabbed in the leg
by "a blind one-legged midget prostitute"

10:13

A.Ham:
the pc term is little people, right?
i might tell him that for next time

10:20

A.Ham:
HE JUST CALLED OUT BURR
"Your thesises read like a half-assed handjob: rough and inconsistent."
IM DYING
IVE DIED
THESE ARE MY LAST WORDS HERC: TELL JOHN HIS DICK WAS THEBOMB.COM
OH GOD I CANT BREATHE

Go The Distance:
alex im trying to sew, i'll add you back in a bit jfc

A.Ham:
HOW DOES HE STILL TEACH HERE I CANT FATHOM IT

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GC: Squaaaaad

Go The Distance added A.Ham to the chat.

Dearest Angelica:
Bourbon's nose looks like a rotton squash
a squishy squash

Go The Distance:
There, Ham, you're back. Go nuts.

A.Ham:
GUYS HEY WHATS UP FRANKLIN HAS BEEN HITTIN THE BLUNT
ange, what even

Dearest Angelica:
you missed an enlightened nose convo but we'll come back to that

Baguette Fucker:
what else is new, alexandre

A.Ham:
HES BEEN DRAGGING BURR FOR LIKE TEN MINUTES
SHORTENED CLASSES, PIZZA FOR LUNCH, AND BURR GETTING SHAT ON BY A TEACHER
TODAY COULDNT GET ANY BETTER

My Laurens <3:
oh hey alex
my dads out of town for the next week, got the house to myself

Wifey Eliza:
wtf did anyone else just hear alex scream

Chapter Text

GC: Squaaaaad

A.Ham:
herc and eliza are colluding
what are you up to
stop

Go The Distance:
ham mind ya damn business

Wifey Eliza:
whats got your panties in a bunch, alexander?

A.Ham:
i wear girl's pants ONE TIME

Baguette Fucker:
i want those back stp
DRYCLEANED

Dearest Angelica:
what the fuck did i miss last year

A.Ham:
i'll give them back when mullican and schuyler stop acting so sus

Go The Distance:
we're not being suspicious. youre just paranoid.
and btw thats not johns leg, stop touching me.

My Laurens<3:
yeah that wasn't alex
sorry!

Dearest Angelica:
sometimes I regret not taking APUSH with you all
this is not one of those times

My Laurens<3:
hey guys take a shot every time gwash calls alex "son"

Dearest Angelica:
you'd all die from alcohol poisoning

A.Ham:
oh please dont start

Go The Distance:
hey son

Baguette Fucker:
how are you, son?

A.Ham:
i will murder you both
revenge is my middle name

Wifey Eliza:
I thought you didn't have a middle name

A.Ham:
i will legally change my name to Alexander Revenge Hamilton and then i will murder the next person to call me son

My Laurens<3:
dont be like that son

A.Ham:
okay daddy

Go The Distance:
NO

Baguette Fucker:
NON MERCI

Wifey Eliza:
NO no noPE

My Laurens<3:
B-)

Chapter Text

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iMessage: My Laurens<3

12:29

A.Ham:
look at mulligan and schuyler

My Laurens<3:
alex why are you texting me im sitting right next to you

A.Ham:
looK AT THEM

My Laurens<3:
what why are you being so weird

A.Ham:
OH MY GOD JUST LOOK

My Laurens<3:
they’re sitting next to each other
what’s the big deal

A.Ham:
they’re sitting awfully close…

My Laurens<3:
we’re sitting close too, whats your point?

A.Ham:
that IS my point

My Laurens<3:
huh?
oh
oH OH

A.Ham:
EXACTLY

My Laurens<3:
no way you dont rlly think that they’re together???

A.Ham:
Okay wait…

12:48

My Laurens<3:
uhhhh… mulligan just took your lunch
okay i’m assuming you’re okay with that
i mean i love you, i’ll fight anyone for you
just not mulligan
i might die doing that

12:53

A.Ham:
everything's fine
I couldn't find anything out
SO about your dad being out of town… ;)

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iMessage: Pegsters

12:34

A.Ham:
hey hey strawberry margarita i have a question for you

Pegsters:
im trying to eat, hamilton

A.Ham:
is your sister secretly dating hercules mulligan?

Pegsters:
okay hold up here
#1: which sister, bc im obvi not in a short supply of them
#2: even if one of them WERE and i DID know, why should i tell you?

A.Ham:
eliza, duh
i’m an interested party
this is a BIG DEAL

Pegsters:
hamilton, i’m with my girlfriend, but that will not stop me from walking across the cafeteria to punch you

A.Ham:
come on, you used to tell me all sorts of things :(

Pegsters:
that was when you were dating eliza, before i was in high school
AND before you left me out when you remade the groupchat

A.Ham:
you’re not in the groupchat?
why didnt your sisters add you in?
i’ll add you in right now

Pegsters:
thanks
and i don’t know if eliza is seeing mulligan, but she has been out a lot the last few nights
and i saw laf’s car pick her up on tuesday night

A.Ham:
the plot thickens…

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iMessage: Wifey Eliza

12:31

Wifey Eliza:
alex, you’ve hardly touched your food
get off your phone and eat!
oh wait john’s on his phone too
ew don’t sext at the lunch table

12:38

A.Ham:
hey i dont tell you how you live YOUR life

Wifey Eliza:
uh, yeah you do. all the time.
it’s really annoying, actually

12:43

Wifey Eliza:
alex youre being very weird today

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iMessage: Baguette Fucker

12:38

A.Ham:
why did you pick up eliza tuesday night?

Baguette Fucker:
I did no such thing

A.Ham:
peggy said she saw your car at their house and eliza got in
J’ACCUSE!

Baguette Fucker:
non, ce n’est moi. mais… i may have lent it to someone while their car was at the garage

A.Ham:
mulligan?

Baguette Fucker:
je ne peux pas confirmer

A.Ham:
toi aussi, gilbert?

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iMessage: Go The Distance

12:39

Go The Distance:
if youre not going to eat your lunch, can i?

12:42

A.Ham:
go ahead

Go The Distance:
cool. everything okay?

12:47

A.Ham:
yeah, i think so…
actually, how are you? anything new going on?

Go The Distance:
uh nope not really
same old same old
you?

A.Ham:
is eliza your girlfriend?

Go The Distance:
no, eliza is not my girlfriend

A.Ham:
but peggy said she saw laf’s car pick her up on tuesday night
and laf didnt confirm or deny that he lent his car to you

Go The Distance:
maybe I was helping eliza with her finite assignments, ever think of that?

A.Ham:
then why would laf be so secretive?

Go The Distance:
leave it, alexander

A.Ham:
okay, i will. but…
if you were interested, you know i’d be okay with that, right?
eliza and i are ancient history. i’ve got john now and… really i think you two would be a nice couple
you are interested in her, aren’t you?

Go The Distance:
yeah. a lot, actually.

A.Ham:
I KNEW IT
AWW OUR MULLIGAN HAS A SOFT SPOT
SO SWEET

Go The Distance:
fuck off
i have a plan
just drop it

A.Ham:
okay i’ll drop it
but only if you guys name your firstborn after my fish, phillip.

Go The Distance:
WHAT NO
what kind of fish name is phillip?

A.Ham:
FUCK YOU PHILLIP IS A GREAT NAME FOR A FISH HERCULES MULLIGAN

Chapter Text

iMessage: Two Faced Whore

Two Faced Whore:
Hamilton— What was the homework for tomorrow's Geography class?
— A. Burr

A.Ham:
it was to stop being a pain in my ass

Two Faced Whore:
I really need to know, so I can get it done in time.
— A. Burr
Also, while we're talking, can you please change my name in your phone? I'm not a whore.
— A. Burr.

A.Ham:
i'll change your name when you admit you voted against my fundraising idea in stu co last year

Two Faced Whore:
Why does it even matter? It was a year ago, and it got passed.
— A. Burr

A.Ham:
it matters because fuck you thats why
you knew it was a good plan
the best plan

Two Faced Whore:
The funding stripped the athletic budget, I couldn't take sides like that.
— A. Burr
Look, I don't have time for this. Please just tell me what the homework was?
— A. Burr

A.Ham:
why don't you know? ususally i'm the one texting you.
why so distracted, burr? huh?

Two Faced Whore:
That's none of your business, Hamilton.
— A. Burr

A.Ham:
oh my god just spill before i lose interest
i'll sweeten the deal— i'll change your name in my phone

Two Faced Whore:
Fine…
— A. Burr
Theo got a haircut and I was admiring it when Dr. Magellan was explaining the homework.
— A. Burr

A.Ham:
BURR FUCK THATS CUTE
OH WHO KNEW YOU COULD BE CUTE
BURR AND THEODOSIA SITTING IN A TREE

Two Faced Whore:
I really don't wish to discuss this with you, Alexander.
— A. Burr

A.Ham:
isnt she dating that football player or smthn
jack prevost i think????
ha bet you regret not cutting the athletic funding now

Two Faced Whore:
What about our bargain, Hamilton?
— A. Burr

A.Ham:
read pgs 30-32, all the odd questions
and your name is changed yw

Theo's Stalker:
Something tells me it's somehow worse
— A. Burr

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Group: Squaaaaad

Pegsters:
WOW WOW WOW

Dearest Angelica:
oh look, the bitch is back

Wifey Eliza:
queen bitch
slaaaaay queen

Pegsters:
thnx hammy for resurrecting me

A.Ham:
np my child

Pegsters:
omg!!
alex and john as my fathers pls adopt me

My Laurens<3:
YES OKAY

A.Ham:
okay so we're doing this
what a happy day for our gay lil family :')

Baguette Fucker:
you have 17 years why are you her fathers

Pegsters:
THEY ARE MY FATHERS NOW SORRY
ps johnny boy i heard your dad's out of town, whens the party?

My Laurens<3:
Uuuhhhhh here's the thing, Pegs…

Dearest Angelica:
here we go

Wifey Eliza:
this should be fun

My Laurens<3:
I'm not throwing a party this time? Not like a huge one, at least. ppl can still come over but it's gonna be a real chill thing

Pegsters:
???? haha okay i disown you as my father sorry

A.Ham:
what about me
((come to johns and i'll sneak you a beer))

Pegsters:
aww what a sweet dad

Wifey Eliza:
Alex. Don't. Give. My. Baby. Sister. A. Beer.

Pegsters:
its cool i'll just pregame and show up drunk

My Laurens<3:
I have failed as a father

A.Ham:
its cool, you'll always be my daddy

Go The Distance:
I'M GONE FOR FIVE MINUTES AND WE'RE BACK HERE AGAIN

Dearest Angelica:
*boards a plane back to London bc I'm OVER YOU ALL*

Chapter Text

Group: Squaaaaad

Dearest Angelica:
OH FUCK

Baguette Fucker:
MON DIEU

Pegsters:
SHE SAID YES
IM DYING

A.Ham:
what the fuck is happening what

My Laurens<3:
equally lost

Pegsters:
NO ALEX JOHN WHERE WERE YOU
YOU MISSED THE CUTEST THING IN THE WORLD

Dearest Angelica:
i'll be crying for the next ten years guys

A.Ham:
WHAT HAPPENED AT THE PEP RALLY PLEASE EXPLAIN

Pegsters:
oh my god it was so perfect
herc just asked out liza in front of the whole school
he got two wrestlers to dress in a horse costume
and hE RODE IN ON THEM WHILE THE ROLLING STONES' WILD HORSES PLAYED

Dearest Angelica:
there was a sign
"hay, i think you're cute. be my mane girl? please don't say neigh."

My Laurens<3:
wait the acoustic or the original recording

Dearest Angelica:
thats ur reaction

My Laurens<3:
IM TRYIN G TO PICTURE IT

Pegsters:
dont bc I GOT VIDEO
attached: horse_fucker.mp4

A.Ham:
HORSEFUCKER

Pegsters:
herc is Horse Fucker Official™

Go The Distance:
please make that my name in all your phones

A.Ham:
HERCULES MULLIGAN
THE MAN WITH A PLAN

Go The Distance:
i told you i had one

Wifey Eliza:
I loved it!

My Laurens<3:
AW GUYS CONGRATS???

Baguette Fucker:
all of us are just so blown away

Dearest Angelica:
okay now that the lovebirds are here
pls explain the horse motif

Wifey Eliza:
sorry that's between us

Go The Distance:
for now
bc god knows someone here's gonna find out and tell everyone

Wifey Eliza:
but why are we all ignoring he fact that lams was awol

My Laurens<3:
lams????

Dearest Angelica:
1 we spend too much time typing out alex and john so yeah you're now lams
1a petition for herc and eliza to be muller
2 bc liza we all know they're off making out in the custodian's closet

A.Ham:
HEY RUDE

Baguette Fucker:
well aren't you

A.Ham:
we aren't NOT making out in a closet

Wifey Eliza:
you guys are a mess i love it

Dearest Angelica:
is anyone up for ice cream after this rally???

Go The Distance:
i could go for a scoop

Wifey Eliza:
ditto

Pegsters:
AW YES CREAM ME UP SCOTTIE

Baguette Fucker:
oui but pegs ew????

Pegsters:
yeah i regret that

Dearest Angelica:
what about lams?
heelloooooo

Pegsters:
stop making out and make plans instead

Wifey Eliza:
GUYS OH MY GOD

Go The Distance:
petition to put them in the sin bin

Pegsters:
they'd probably just bone in the sin bin

Wifey Eliza:
double sin

Dearest Angelica:
Sin Squared

Pegsters:
CoSin

Baguette Fucker:
STOP GROSS MATH

Wifey Eliza:
K alex and john, when you're done sucking face the sin squad will be at coldstone until like 4:30

Pegsters:
SIN SQUAD, ACTIVATE!