Chapter Text
Dim headlights cut through the darkness of the country roads as Adam drove to the Barns. He had listened to lectures and recorded notes for the first six hours. Now he was attempting to prioritize the long lists of tasks he had to complete this weekend.
Fill out summer internship applications, study for finals, write biology paper, take history quiz, spend time with Ronan.
Study for finals, history quiz, time with Ronan, biology paper, internship applications.
Take Ronan’s clothes off, rest for a damn second, try not to drown in everything else.
His thoughts were interrupted by his car, Shitbox III as Ronan unaffectionately called it, making an awful whining noise. They’d had an argument about the car earlier that week. Ronan hated how Adam drove the cheap used cars he bought the long distance to visit from Harvard. He knew better than to ask if he could buy Adam a car, but he was clearly tempted every time the subject was raised.
Fix car, Adam wearily added to his mental list. At least this car was not as bad as the last one, but it was a horrible green color that made him envy the days they would pile into Gansey’s obscenely orange Camero. Thankfully, Adam made it through the rest of the drive without any issues aside from the sound.
When Adam pulled into the driveway of the Barns, he tried to pushed the list out of his mind. Familiar dreamt lights twinkled across the property. The springtime breeze ruffled Adam’s hair as he got out of the car. Ronan must have heard the sound of him pulling up because a moment later he was bounding down the steps of the porch and hauling Adam into his arms.
“It’s good to see you too, Lynch,” Adam said with a smile he was certain Ronan could hear in his voice. Ronan did not relax his grip and Adam buried his face in the soft skin of Ronan’s neck. Now I can breathe, he thought.
“Come on, Parrish,” Ronan whispered into his good ear. “I’ll make you something to eat.”
A feeling of contentment swept over Adam as he watched Ronan move about the warmly lit kitchen. Ronan heated up stew on the stove and talked mindlessly about the various animals in his care, sensing that Adam was too tired to hold a conversation. Adam sat at the kitchen table listening to the deep, comforting sound of Ronan’s voice as he nibbled at a slice of bread.
“This is really good,” Adam said. “Did you bake this?”
“Uh huh.”
“Lynch, you made bread for me. That’s so sweet.”
“Shut up,” Ronan said, obviously pleased. He set a steaming bowl of beef stew in front of Adam who tore a piece of the bread off and dipped it in to soak up the broth.
Ronan watched him eat with careful disinterest, like he was waiting for Adam’s approval but didn’t want to ask. His eagerness tugged at Adam’s heart. No one had ever cooked for him and cared if he enjoyed it before. His mother had thrown together cheap meals most nights, but it couldn’t have concerned her less how Adam liked them.
“This is really good too,” Adam told him. “I’m gonna gain ten pounds this weekend if all your cooking is like this.”
Ronan smiled. “Good, you’re too skinny.”
Once his bowl was empty, Adam moved to wash it, but Ronan took it out of his hands and set it in the sink. “Dishes tomorrow,” he insisted.
“I think I’m going to take a shower before bed. Care to join?”
“I thought you were tired?” Ronan teased.
“Maybe I’m so tired that I need help showering.”
Ronan took his leather jacket off and hung it on the back of one of the kitchen chairs. “I’ll start the water then.”
Quickly, Adam pulled off his Harvard sweatshirt and draped it over Ronan’s jacket before following him up the stairs. The rest of his clothes soon joined Ronan’s on the bathroom floor.
Adam let himself get lost in the steam and the hard lines of Ronan’s body and the filthy things he whispered. In the sweet kisses that made him shivery. Soon the gentle touches ceased to be enough. He needed more. Adam kissed Ronan hard and pushed him back so that he was pinned against the shower wall.
“Slow down. You just got here. We’ve got all weekend,” Ronan said, his soft laugh turning into a moan when Adam bit lightly at his neck.
“I can’t. I want you too much.” He wanted to sear this image of Ronan naked and dripping and wanting him into his brain, to let it push everything else out.
“Parrish, Parrish, fuck,” Ronan gasped into Adam’s hairline as their slick bodies moved in a way that made Adam’s brain feel as clouded as the bathroom mirror.
When at last they pulled away shaky and panting, Adam found little squares indented on his palms where he had pressed his hands against the tile walls.
***
It took a few hours for things to catch up to Adam. It was a rare occurrence for Ronan to fall asleep first, but he did so tonight with Adam gathered tightly in his arms. He tried to let the gentle sounds of Ronan breathing lull him to sleep but his mind slowly filled with all the things he needed to do. After tossing and turning for hours, Adam got out of bed and wrote them all down in a notebook by the dim light of his cell phone.
The shrill alarm on Adam’s phone woke him up after what felt like mere minutes of restless sleep. The bed was empty, so he made his way down to the kitchen. A fresh pot of coffee had been made and Adam’s favorite mug set out in front of it.
He was on his second cup of coffee and deep into research for his biology paper when Ronan returned from feeding the animals. He smiled when he found Adam sitting at the kitchen table and bent down to kiss him.
“Good morning,” Ronan said cheerfully. “You eaten yet?”
“Nope,” Adam said. “I was waiting for you.” Ronan washed his hands and put a couple pieces of the leftover bread in the toaster.
“What do you want to do this weekend?” he asked.
Adam sighed and tapped the schedule scrawled out on the notebook in front of him. Ronan leaned over him to read it, resting his chin in Adam’s dusty curls. He pulled away when the toast popped up.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said. “I wish I could spend more time relaxing with you.”
“It’s OK. I get it,” Ronan said, but he looked disappointed.
Ronan set a plate down in front of him and Adam eagerly spread butter and jam thickly over his toast. He tried to ignore the notebook on the table and focus on the sweet taste of the jam, on the stubble shadowing Ronan's jaw, but Adam couldn’t quite shake the knowledge that he was letting Ronan down.
It would be fine. He could do this. He would make it up to Ronan later when he had less on his plate.
***
The next morning Gansey called while Adam was studying. His open books and notebooks covered the expanse of the table. Adam wanted badly to ignore the call, but he had let the last few go to voicemail, and he knew how his friend worried.
“Hey Gansey.”
“Hello Adam,” Gansey said brightly. “How is your weekend with Ronan going?”
He glanced down at the to do list in front of him that somehow had gotten even longer despite two days of work. “Uh busy, but good.”
“Excellent. I know Ronan was looking forward to spending time with you.” Adam’s stomach churned with guilt. He hadn’t even talked to his boyfriend in hours. “I’m calling to ask if we could discuss options for that trip we planned on taking together this summer?”
“Gansey, I can’t go anymore. I can’t waste the time.”
“Oh.” In that single syllable, Adam could hear Gansey’s careful composure cracking. He’d been able to find less and less time for Gansey and Blue as things at Harvard grew steadily more difficult. In a year, he would graduate, and his life would be less complicated. Adam would make it up to them.
“I’m sorry,” Adam said.
“Well, that is unfortunate. Blue was looking forward to seeing you. As was I. Maybe we can plan something that is less time-consuming when the semester is over.”
“Can we talk about it some other time?”
“Of course. I’ll reach out to you again soon.”
“I’m sorry,” Adam said again. He was sorry but now he was also frustrated that Gansey kept asking. Couldn’t he get that Adam was busy, that his life was filled with work and classes and homework which left no room for anything else? He could barely squeeze his own boyfriend into his schedule.
“I understand. Enjoy the rest of your time with Ronan,” Gansey said politely before hanging up.
Adam allowed himself a minute of frustration and regret before turning his attention back to his studies. It didn’t quite work. He found himself reading the same paragraph over and over without comprehending a single word.
A gentle hand on his shoulder pulled Adam’s attention away from the meaningless article. “Parrish, can we talk for a minute?” Ronan asked tentatively. It made Adam nervous. Ronan was always so sure of himself.
“Sure,” he said, trying to sound casual and not like he dreaded whatever words were about to come out of Ronan’s mouth.
“Adam, I’m worried about you. This is not healthy.” Ronan said, wincing as if Adam was about to start yelling any minute. He gestured to the overflowing table and tapped his index finger on the now heavily edited schedule. “I mean you even scheduled sex. And last night you were so stressed you couldn’t even get off. Probably because you put it in between taking a quiz and answering emails.”
“I’m sorry that this wasn’t the weekend you wanted Ronan but it’s just a really busy time for me right now. You knew this was going to happen when I started college,” Adam said, irritated.
“You’re running yourself ragged here, man and I’m worried it’s not going to stop when you graduate. You’ve always worked yourself to the bone, but you don’t have to anymore. Just let me help,” Ronan pleaded. His blue eyes were so earnest. Adam couldn’t bear to look at them.
He sighed. “It’s all school stuff. There’s not much you can do to help.” That wasn’t strictly true and they both knew it. There were many ways Ronan could help make his life easier but few that Adam ever allowed.
“I want to be with you more than anything but what’s the point of this relationship if we’re not allowed to take care of each other? Is this really how you want us to live the rest of our lives?”
“It’s my life Ronan, not ours,” Adam said, unable to keep his voice from rising. “I want a lot of things and I’m never going to get them by sitting still. If you want someone who will, then find a new boyfriend.” Ronan looked like he’d been kicked in the gut and instantly Adam felt ashamed.
“Adam, I know you want all those things but what’s the point if you kill yourself getting them?”
“I have it under control,” he said through gritted teeth.
“You don’t.”
“What do you want from me, Ronan?”
Ronan looked down at the cluttered table and said quietly, “I want you to let me take care of you.”
“I—” he started saying, but no other words came. He hadn’t expected his boyfriend to say anything so vulnerable in the middle of a fight. It felt like cheating. That was a move Adam had not yet learned.
For a moment, Ronan met his eyes. Then his expression hardened, and he turned away and retreated. His boots made angry footsteps echo through the house.
Adam couldn’t deal with this right now. He had to get out of there. Adam stormed out of the house and headed in the direction of Lindenmere to get lost in the trees.
***
Adam had thought that the more things he got, the less he’d want. He wanted a little less desperately now but there were still so many things that pulled him in different directions.
He wanted to spend days doing domestic things with his boyfriend. He wanted to pass his exams with perfect scores. He wanted to go on vacation with Blue and Gansey. He wanted to have an internship secured so he didn’t have to obsess over it for weeks. He wanted to rest for a damn second after finishing the semester.
Life was a juggling act and he had far too many knives in the air. He kept dropping them and hurting the people he loved. Wanting to keep Gansey and Blue at an arm’s length until he could neatly fit them his lives again. Asking far too much of Ronan, the one person he couldn’t help but keep close. Can I have your side of the bed because it’s closer to the door? Can I wake you up at two am to call you because I need to hear your voice? They didn’t even really count as questions because Ronan always gave him anything he asked for.
Adam sat tiredly on the forest floor. He grabbed two fistfuls of dirt and let it crumble through his fingers trying to distract himself from how hurt Gansey had sounded earlier, how disappointed in him Ronan had looked.
Fuck. He was screwing everything up so badly. Maybe they would be happier without me, he found himself thinking. Maybe the people I loved would be better off if I didn’t exist.
He sat with his head in his hands waiting for himself to think of a way to make it up to them. Or at least waiting for these ugly feelings to pass. He used to be so good at shoving them down.
When he finally looked up, the sky was ominously dark. A storm seemed to be forming in Lindenmere. For a moment, Adam considered staying on the ground and letting it envelope him, but he realized that the temperature was dropping rapidly. His arms were covered in goosebumps.
Adam was not stupid enough to fuck with magical forests when they were being temperamental. He scrambled to his feet and headed in the direction of the Barns.
Strong winds shook the tree branches along his path. It was making a howling noise he had never heard before. Was this a tornado? Adam started to run.
The wind swirled around him as if it were chasing him. At a point it got so strong he couldn’t move forward. Adam crouched on the ground., covering his head as the violent breezes overtook him.
It got louder and louder until the awful noises drowned out every other sensation.
Then everything went silent.