Chapter Text
He’s not really sure what’s happening. He’s floating somewhere, warm, fuzzy, like he’s stopped existing, exactly what he wanted to do. But for some reason, he seems to be anchored to something, preventing him from continuing to float. He wonders why he can’t just go , frustrated and wondering if he should just struggle to break free from whatever final chain is keeping him. His eyes open, assaulted by pure white lights above him, making them squeeze shut immediately and his head turns violently. He’s vaguely aware of an arm near him and he peeks; there’s a mask or something over his face. He’s moving. His body isn’t moving but he’s on something that is.
Somewhere he hears something, a voice, that sounds startlingly familiar to a voice from in SuperM, a lilting voice and tune normally happy and mature, but now… Lucas thinks they’re in pain?
The fuck are you telling me, Kun?
The voice seems to echo in Lucas’ ears as he starts floating again, the pain of the person echoing in his ears as the bright lights no longer illuminate his eyelids, the red fading into greys and blacks.
His eyes fly open again, surging upward, gasping for air. Something is stuck in his throat and his hands scrabble, clawing at it as people yell and there are hurried footsteps. Hands grab his wrists, carefully pulling them away and telling him to stop, stop you’re going to hurt yourself, just breathe, stop panicking, you’re okay .
His head takes a moment to take in the words said to him.
He lets his hands go pliant, slowly turning his head, blinking rapidly at Ten’s face, close to him. He looks like he’s been crying. “They put a tube in your throat to help you breathe. They had to sedate you. It’s okay, slow deep breaths.” Lucas raises an eyebrow as Ten carefully helps him lay back down. His head hurts. His lungs hurt. His entire body hurts. He doesn’t remember what happened. Ten looks like he’s been crying, a rare occurrence to ever be caught dead with tear tracks staining the dancer’s face. Was he in an accident?
He jerks his arm up, trying to brush Ten’s cheek but he freezes. White bandages loop around his hand, all down to his elbow, dotted with little specks of red, patches of it in some places.
He remembers.
Slowly, he shifts his eyes, meeting Ten’s pained gaze.
The memories start to filter in.
The pain encapsulated his entire body, encasing him in a paralytic cocoon of misery. The voices wouldn’t stop talking, stopped talking only to start yelling. He could have tried to ring someone but his phone was the enemy, looping comments and threads and more and more and more of the people telling him what they thought. He reached for it at one point, but it burned his skin, singing his fingerprints off because he didn’t exist in the world.
Then he had dug through his make up bag to find his nail scissors. He doesn’t need to keep remembering after that. The stinging pain aching in certain parts of his body tells him enough.
He wonders who found him.
Ten doesn’t say anything, just hangs his head and links their fingers. He lifts it, gentle, pressing a kiss to the back of Lucas’ hands. The dancer takes a slow breath, before looking up. “Why didn’t you tell one of us? Any of us?”
Lucas shrugs. He can’t explain it; how that acrid layer of hatred felt like two hundred tonnes compressing him like a boulder, making it impossible to do anything but grope his hand around the floor. He doesn’t know where he would even begin.
The door opens and Lucas looks over, expecting to see someone in a long white coat or scrubs or something but - Lucas wants to throw himself out the window.
Black scraggly hair, clearly mid hair treatment when he got the call. Haunted, wide eyes flickering around the room before they fix on him like they’re staring into his soul. Eyes so scared and ready to start crying again. Ugly tear marks staining skin, a nude lipstick smeared across the side of his mouth like he had been in the middle of getting ready for bed. Spots of snot speckled under his nose. Knees shaking like he can’t hold himself up and the white knuckle grip he has on the doorway is the only thing preventing him from collapsing to the ground.
Lucas wants to say something, but the tube in his throat makes that hard. Instead, he reaches a hand out, tears pricking with burning, hot tears as he realises the hell he’s put his hyung through. The memories of events of time gone by flicker through his brain and he realises how awful this situation must be for him.
Taemin barely makes it to the bed, gripping his hand, knees buckling. His forehead buries into the blanket and the sob that comes from his throat echoes around the room. The relief in the sound is blatant, painful, like a floodgate opening. The grip on his wrist hurts, really hurts, but Lucas can’t bring himself to say anything, to motion anything or to try and pull away.
“ Why ?"
His heart shatters. He tries to think of how to explain it - out of everyone, Taemin would understand, surely, with everything he’s been through, with enlistment and with -
“Sir, step away, please.”
Taemin looks up, ready to snap, but he waves. Lucas watches the flurry of emotions on his face as he meets eyes with the doctor. After a moment, he shakily stands up, stepping back to collapse on a chair. Ten moves across the room, wrapping an arm around him. Lucas watches as Taemin buries his face in his hand, turning to press his forehead against Ten’s shoulder.
The things the doctor says don’t make much sense. Tests, lights in his eyes, tightening on his arm, blood pressure and oxygen level and medical speak that makes zero sense in his mottled, diseased brain.
The tube comes out, uncomfortable, leaving his throat scratchy, making him cough and grip at his throat. Taemin’s there, suddenly, sitting on the edge of the bed, holding a cup of cold water to his lips. He makes a noise of thanks and carefully sips as Taemin twitches his hair out of eyes. He lays back, gasping slowly.
“Sorry. I’m… I’m sorry.”
“Don’t. Just breathe.”
Lucas squeezes his eyes shut. Footsteps fade as they step out of the room. The door shuts behind them. He looks around to find Ten and the doctor gone. Taemin sighs softly, sniffing. “How are you feeling?”
“Like I was hit by a train. Hyung, I’m so-”
Taemin tuts, cutting him off. “Enough of that.” He sighs a little, wiping his face. “We’re just grateful you’re awake.”
Silence hangs in the room and Lucas stares at the ceiling. “How… How bad was it?”
Taemin’s face seems to pale and in his peripheral vision, Lucas watches as Taemin turns to stare out the window. “They had to resuscitate you twice.”
Lucas doesn’t know what to say. He closes his eyes, brain aching. “I’m so sorry-”
“-You’re sick.” Taemin’s hand is in his hair again, carefully stroking, like he knows just how much Lucas’ brain feels like a jackhammer inside of his skull. “You’re sick and didn’t get the help you needed. Yeah, you scared us all, but don’t say sorry because you’re kicking yourself. Say sorry because you’re sorry. Not because you’re beating yourself up. That’s only going to make you feel worse.”
Lucas stares at him, blinking a little before sniffing and nodding weakly. His words make sense. Taemin smiles, barely.
“Who… Who found me?”
Taemin’s tongue flitters over his lips for a moment. “Kun did.”
Lucas nods and closes his eyes, frowning. “My head hurts.”
“I’m sure they’ll give you some pain medication soon. Do you want some more water?”
Lucas makes a noise and half sits up. Taemin’s hand carefully arcs around his lower back, supporting him. He tries to raise an arm to take the plastic cup, but it feels like lead. He lets out a noise as he drops it to the mattress, and Taemin shushes him gently. The cup is pressed gently to his bottom lip and Lucas lays there, letting himself be taken care of.
They sit in silence when he lays back down. Taemin makes no pressure, carefully stroking through his hair, or massaging his upper arms, helps him stretch his legs a little. He’s not sure how long passes with the gentle, quiet touch of his hyung when the door opens.
“Taemin?”
Lucas turns his head to find Jinki in the doorframe. He looks worried, eyes haunted and Lucas can’t look. He turns his head to find Taemin frowning, looking scared again. He glances down at Lucas and the rapper smiles. “Go home. Clean yourself up. Get some sleep. No offence, hyung, but you look awful. I’ll be here tomorrow.”
“You better be.”
Lucas makes a noise. “Just for you.”
Taemin nods and pets his knee as he slowly makes his way to the door, letting Jinki’s arm wrap around his shoulders, leading him away.
Others dip in and out. Yangyang, terrified and refusing to let go of his hand. Kun, silent, dozing on and off in the corner, jerking awake the moment any machine beeps in a different way, only to slip back to sleep. Mark drops by, bringing lunch for Hendery and Xiaojun, both exhausted from schedules, but making sure they sleep the night by Lucas’ side.
The visitors blur as he slips in and out of sleep. He thinks he even hears Yuqi at one point, talking in hushed tones with Hendery, but his conscious brain refuses to think, clinging at the chance for a mere moment of rest. He doesn’t remember the last time he got to sleep properly like this. He doesn’t remember the last time he slept so long he actually felt rested. He doesn’t remember the last time he just slipped to sleep without his brain keeping him awake, haunting him until the early hours of the morning.
It stays that way for a while, maybe a few days the most that Lucas can tell from his bed. The blinds are often closed for fear of drones and stalkers and paparazzi and Lucas is thankful for it.
It wakes Lucas up when Jongin slams the door open to his room, panicked, barely breathing. Kun is on his feet, calming the man down, shushing him to try and prevent Lucas from awakening but Jongin only calms down when his eyes meet the rappers. Lucas smiles weakly, gingerly, waving awkwardly. He must have read the messages mid-phone ban in enlistment and not taken the time to read the other days’ messages that Lucas is fine. He stays for a few hours, even taking the time to feed Lucas his lunch. Lucas asks him quietly before he leaves to check in on Taemin. Jongin squeezes his hand and promises he will.
He thinks maybe a week passes, when Sicheng comes in with a bag of clothes. His heart sinks a little when the words leave his lips - you can come home, they’re letting you go . He smiles, nodding, heart thudding in his chest as he thinks of the dark, evil void of his room. He wonders if it’ll have been cleaned, rugs and flooring replaced. Or will they put him in a different room? Maybe, they’ll lock him up in a kid friendly dormitory with no cooking knives and no gas to the stove and unbreakable windows.
He tries not to seem nervous as he gets in the car with Sicheng, smiles wide and bright as Yangyang perks up, babbling about everything he missed and showing him photos and talking about how much the cats miss him. He feels dizzy as they take the elevator, glancing at the reflective surfaces surrounding him. His reflections seem to grin at him, prodding at him that they’re glad he’s home.
He stumbles over his feet as he gets in the doorway, arms tight around him suddenly. Xiaojun takes his bag and Ten yells that dinner is almost ready and it’s Lucas’ favourite and Hendery refuses to let go of the hug for just a few more seconds.
It feels so awful. He hates it.
Lucas steps away, laughing about not feeling well and just wanting to lay down. That he’s grateful and he loves them so much and that he’s so sorry to brush dinner off. Ten says it’s fine and he’ll put some aside for him. Hendery walks him to Kun's room, holding his bags, insisting on not letting too much pressure on his arms because the stitches are still healing. He flinches a little as he notices that there’s a second bed in there. He isn’t allowed to sleep alone.
They just got new dormitories with no more need to share a room. He grabs his bag and thanks Hendery and just says he wants to sit down in some peace and quiet, he’s had people bustling around him all week. Hendery wavers but nods, fidgeting with his sleeves as he heads back to the kitchen.
Lucas shuts the door, staring blankly at the lack of a lock on the door.
He’s caused so much drama and stress and panic and pain. He blinks his tears away, collapsing on the camp bed made up with some of his sheets and curls up tight, hugging his knees to his chest.
A familiar clawed hand grasps his shoulder, welcoming him home as his head starts warping, falling asleep to the horrifying realisation he’s such a burden to his ex-group mates.
─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: *.☽ .* :☆ﾟ. ───
Lucas isn’t sure what time it is when he wakes up. He can hear Kun asleep in the bed, breathing soft, gentle. Somewhere, he hears a hushed conversation and he glances at the wall. Ten’s bedroom is next door, the walls not quite thick enough to stop all conversation filtering through.
“Ten-ge… what if… is he going to be okay sleeping in Kun-ge’s room?”
“It’ll be fine, didi.” There’s rustling and muffled noises that sound awkwardly like crying. “Lucas is going to be okay.”
“I can’t sleep. I keep dreaming it happens again but we don’t find him in time.”
Lucas slowly sits up. He finds his phone charging next to the camp bed and carefully picks it up. He pads as silently as possible to the living room, collapsing on the couch. Ghosts surround him, looking down on him, glaring at him as if asking why he dared return to this place. Tears prick in his eyes and he stares at his phone. His fingers move on their own accord, brain numb to the screaming in his ears that he shouldn’t be here, that he doesn’t deserve to be here and-
“Lucas?”
“Hyung.”
“Lucas, it’s two in the morning.”
“Is it… I didn’t… I didn’t see the clock, I’m so sorry hyung, I’ll hang up and-”
“-What’s wrong?”
Lucas stares at the wall. “Can I come over? I don’t… it’s so… There’s a lot…” His voice trickles out, falling silent as he tries to find the words.
“I’ll order you a taxi and make some tea. Make sure you dress warm. It’s cold out.”
Lucas murmurs a thank you and hangs up, waiting for the text of confirmation from Taemin. It comes quickly and he makes his way back to his own bedroom. He tries the handle to find it locked. He winces. He wonders if management will ever open it again.
He heads back to the living area, turning his head away from the glaring ghouls in the corners of the room. He finds one of his old coats, tight around his shoulders. He pulls it on, finding any pair of shoes that fit him. He thinks they might not be his own, but he can’t bring himself to care. He takes a scarf he’s pretty sure is Ten’s, but his brain is starting to echo the chant of useless that the nightmares in the darkness are screaming at him. He hurries outside, taking the stairs. Extra exercise is supposed to be good, right?
The cold night out burns his cheeks and he stares at the road. There’s no one on the street at this hour, and the taxi pulling up to the curb looks annoyed they’ve even been rung at this hour. Lucas makes his way over quickly, making soft apologies and confirming the address before curling up.
The trip is silent save for the daemon that latched onto his shoulders as he was leaving the dormitory.
Taemin is outside the front of his apartment building when the taxi pulls in. He smokes quietly, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet in slippers. Lucas raises an eyebrow. “Why aren’t you dressed warmly, hyung?”
“I didn’t think the taxi would take so long.” He stubs the cigarette, putting it in a portable ashtray before opening the building door. They go up in silence and Lucas shivers as he steps through the threshold of Taemin’s apartment.
Suddenly, a weight is off his shoulder, the gremlin screaming at the door, as if unable to pass. Lucas leans against the wall, taking a slow breath. Taemin pats his shoulder and helps him out of the outside clothes. They make their way to the kitchen, sitting at the island and wrapping their hands around mugs of tea. Taemin takes a long sip, sighing softly.
“What’s up?”
Lucas looks up, blinking a little. “It was just… too much, I guess.”
“Lot of attention?”
“Yeah. Too much. Yangyang can’t sleep because he’s scared. They’ve got me sleeping on a camp bed in Kun-ge’s room. My room is locked up entirely. I just… The voices are loud there.”Taemin reaches over, squeezing his arm with a weak smile. “Yeah, mine used to get bad in my old apartment.”
Lucas takes a sip of the tea, relishing the warmth. “It’s like they’re living in the walls.”
Taemin nods, chewing on his nail. “I’ve been there. It’s… loud and so silent at the same time, right?”
Lucas heaves a sigh, relief coursing through his body. “You get it.”
“More than most would think.” Taemin leans back a little, circling the rim of his cup with his finger. “I’ve come close myself a few times.”
Lucas looks up, feeling his eyes widen a little. He blinks, quickly, looking back at his mug and Taemin huffs a sigh. “It’s… a strange place to be in.”
“How did you… handle stuff?”
Taemin takes a long drink from his mug, sniffing as he swallows. “I was strong for everyone else until I learned how to be my own miracle.”
Lucas blinks a little. “I don’t… I don’t understand.”
“I thought about my parents having to bury me before them, before my older brother. Thought about my group mates having to continue without me or to disband for the sake of trauma. Thought about what would happen to the fans, how many might copy me or have lost such a significant part of their lives they couldn’t carry on. I thought a lot about it. How it would affect people in the company, having to promote with it sitting on them because there wasn’t time to postpone this or that, how much would be lost. The people who would have to take on my pain because I couldn’t manage it.” Taemin pauses, scratching at a small stain on the marble. “It hurt a lot. I hated thinking about people like that. Thinking of Jinki drinking himself to sleep because he would feel like he failed as a leader. How Kibum and Minho would probably start fighting again trying to process everything. How Jonghyun…” Taemin drifts off. “How he would kick my ass if he saw me so early in my lifespan.”
Lucas looks down, gripping his mug.
He hadn’t thought about it.
“Kun is probably beating himself up, isn’t he? Baekhyun too, as SuperM leader. Not noticing anything but I kept it hidden I didn’t… I didn’t want them to… didn’t want to…”
“Didn’t want to feel like a burden?”
Lucas nods, curling up a little where he’s sat. “I didn’t want to scare them or worry the people I care about. The people I love and adore and look up to. Especially when everyone had enlistment and schedules and their own personal lives going on.”
Taemin makes a noise of acknowledgement. “Yeah. That’s always hard. I had to learn how to deal with that.”
“How?”
“Do you think WayV, us, your family, would rather be worried about you and aid you in getting help so you can feel okay, or put you in a casket?”
The words are blunt, cold, and Lucas can’t help but flinch. Tears prick in his eyes and he hangs his head. “I… hadn’t thought of it like that.”
“Because your illness won't let you. Mine used to not let me think that way either.” Taemin drains the last of his cup and sighs. “It’s… a long journey. But you get there.”
Lucas stares out the kitchen window as Taemin gets up, washing his mug. “I want to get better. I don’t want to live like this. It’s exhausting.” He hesitates for a moment, sniffing. “Hyung, can you… can you help me?”
“Can I ask something?” Taemin’s voice is hushed, as though he’s speaking a cursed tome and Lucas swallows as he whispers a yes .
“Did you want to die?”
Lucas furrows his eyebrows, staring at the dregs of his tea. “I don’t… No. I just… I just didn’t want to keep living like that. Thinking constantly about the waiting loaded gun. Drinking because it’s the only way my brain is quiet for five minutes. Thinking about everything I shouldn’t be filled with hours of wishing I could think of anything else. Lying constantly when I say I’m okay and smiling wide to not worry people. I don’t want to live like this.”
Taemin leans against the counter, watching him with crossed arms. His face is unreadable when Lucas looks back up.
“Alright.”
Lucas lets out a breath, blinking. “You will?”
“As long as you want to live, I’ll do what I can. I’ll do everything I can. But,” Taemin’s tongue flickers across his lips, eyes looking away. “If you lose the want to live, there’s nothing I can do, and as much as it sounds harsh to say, I have to protect myself from that trauma. I can’t go through that again.”
Lucas bites his lip, suppressing a shudder. He nods, breathing slowly. “I understand.”
“Okay.” Taemin sighs, staring at the ground. “Okay.”
He stands up straight again and Lucas sits up, finishing his tea. Taemin takes it from him, washing it in the sink. “We should get some sleep. It’s late. Late nights only make the demons worse. Let’s get you some rest.”
Lucas nods, and makes his way to the living room. Taemin makes a noise. “Come on. You can share my bed, if you want. Living room gets cold during the night.”
Lucas whips his head around, staring at Taemin for a moment. He blinks a few times before he nods, following Taemin to the bedroom. Kkoong and Daeng mew at them, annoyed, as Taemin flicks the light on.
Taemin quickly makes the bed, moving laundry to the top of his closet rather than the left side of the bed. He arranges the sheets slightly, making sure there are multiple pillows on both sides and Lucas makes a noise. Taemin glances over his shoulder.
“Hyung… thank you.”
“Thank you.” Taemin smiles weakly, standing up for a moment. “Thank you for being honest with me. And… thanks for asking for help.”
Lucas smiles weakly, rubbing his arm. One of the cats approaches him, wrapping around his ankle with a gentle meow. Lucas leans down to gently stroke her head before she hops onto the bed. Taemin gestures with his head and Lucas hesitates, fingers on the hem of his sleep bottoms.
Taemin shrugs. “I sleep in my boxers and a shirt as well. I’m comfortable with it if you are.”
Lucas nods and quickly takes the trousers off, folding them neatly. Taemin takes them and places them on the dresser, slightly away from the clean washing. Lucas clambers into the left side of the bed, guessing from the built up laundry that Taemin usually sleeps on the right. Wordlessly, the dancer turns a lamp on, switching off the main light and then slides under the sheets, flicking the lamp back off.
“You’re safe here, Cas-ah. Sleep well.”
Lucas makes a noise, watching the dark shapes of the cats jump onto the bed, mewing as they find comfortable positions. He doesn’t miss how Kkoong licks his fingers and then curls up with her head on his arm, just below his elbow. He smiles, watching her, eyes blind to the clawed hands of his demons as they tap on the window, trying to get his attention, focused on the soft vibrations of her purring against his skin.
He doesn’t really register when he starts dozing on and off, struggling to stay awake, blinks turning into ten minute naps. Kkoong moves to sleep on his chest, Daeng curls up between him and Taemin’s chest, and Taemin at some point throws a leg over his, snoring softly in the dark room.
When he does slip to unconsciousness, however, his last conscious thought is how quiet his brain is for the first time in a long time.