Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

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Uzi: Thank you all for coming.
V, wearing a hospital gown: When I heard you couldn't get laid, I dropped everything and came straight here.
Uzi: Well, I couldn't imagine anyone else being part of the "Fuck Uzi Task Force".
N: Yeah, I interpreted that in a different way.

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V: You need a hobby.
N: I have a hobby!
V: Fawning over Uzi isn’t a hobby.

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N: What did V do this time?
Uzi: More like WHO did V do this time?

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V: The best way to gain someone's undying loyalty is by saving them from a perilous situation.
N: So you're just gonna wait until Uzi is in danger and save them?
V: Of course not, I'm going to create a situation that puts them in danger and then save them.
N: ...
N: You're insane.

~

*Uzi and N flirting with each other yet again*
V: And you two are sure you're not dating?
Uzi: 100%.
N: Of course not! Why would you think that?
V: I wonder why that possibility would even cross my mind, N. I fucking wonder.

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N: Why is everyone so obsessed with top or bottom? Honestly, I’d just be excited to have a bunk bed.
V:
V: I'm gonna tell them.
Uzi: Don't you dare.

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V, bursting into the room: You two are having sex!
N, not looking up from their book: Really? Uzi, why didn’t you tell me? I would have put my book down.

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Uzi: *is wearing silk pants* How does this look?
N: Like its slips on and off really easily.
Uzi:
N: No, I didn't mean it like that-
V: We know what you meant.

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V: I hope you have an explanation for this.
N: We have three, actually!
Uzi: Pick your favourite.

~

Chapter Text

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N: Onion rings are vegetable donuts.
Uzi, used to N being dumb: Sure...
N: Your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed.
Uzi: Okay?
N: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake.
Uzi:
N: Lobsters are mermaid scorpio-
Uzi: Jesus, that one is a little-
Thad, interested: No, no, N, keep going.

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Uzi: Is there a cactus where your heart should be?
Thad: What’s up your ass this morning!
N: *walks in* ...Hey.
Thad: Hmm… nevermind.
Uzi: WAIT NO!

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Thad: Do you mind if I slyly mention that you’re single?
Uzi: Do not do that.
Thad: You won’t even notice!
N, entering: Thad, you wanted to see me again?
Thad: Uzi's single
Uzi:

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N (brainstorming ideas for pranking Thad): How much could a serial killer mask possibly cost?
Uzi: Well it’s hard to find a high-quality one made out of leather or silicone, but if you did find a good one like that it’d be a couple thousands of dollars. I can try to hook you up with one but I don’t know if I’d be very successful.
N: Huh, that’s pretty interesting actually- Wait, how the hell do you know that?
Uzi: …I am very passionate about Halloween, N.

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Uzi: Is letting someone win at chess sapiosexual bottoming?
Thad: Can everyone in this godforsaken group please learn the skill called "Think Before You Speak"?
N: Ya know... it might be.

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Uzi: Love is weakness and an evolutionary mistake.
Thad: You are literally making a Valentine’s day card for N.
Uzi, pointing their hot glue gun towards Thad: You’re on thin fucking ice.

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Uzi: Come on, Thad. Nobody actually believes that N is in love with me.
Thad, to The Squad: Raise your hand if you think that N is helplessly in love with Uzi.
*Everyone raises their hand*
Uzi: N, put your hand down.

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N: Hey, Thad?
Thad: Yeah?
N: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?
Thad:
Thad: Where’s Uzi?

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N: Two years ago, I married my best friend.
N: Uzi is still mad about it, but me and Thad were drunk and thought it was funny.

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N: Did Uzi just tell me they loved me for the first time?
Thad: Yeah, they did.
N: And did I just do finger guns back?
Thad: Yeah, you did.

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Uzi: Why doesn’t N find me sexy when I bite my lip?
Thad: What do you look like when you bite your lip?
Uzi: *bites lip*
Thad: ...Have you considered biting your bottom lip instead?

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Uzi: I'm gonna eat the chicken breasts!
Thad, snickering: Yeah, eat what you lack.
N, deadpanning at Thad: Then maybe I should order brains on delivery for you.

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N: If you want my advice-
Thad: No offense but you’re the last person I want relationship advice from. You tried to kill your significant other. Multiple times.
N: First off, that was before we started dating. Secondly, they’ve also tried to kill me.
Uzi: It’s true. It was mutually attempted murder.

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Thad: How the hell did you crash the car?!
N: So I was just driving today, right? And my navigation told me to go straight.
N: I was like "woah, that's homophobic". Instead, I went gay. And, THAT'S when I got into an accident.
Thad: ...
Uzi, with a proud smile: And THAT'S who I'm in love with, ladies and gentlemen.

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Thad: So you’re dating N?
Uzi: What? No! I’m just buying them an accessory since they have terrible fashion sense.
Thad: That’s literally a wedding ring.

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Thad: *finds a note* Hmm, whats this?
Uzi: Hey, that's mine! *tries to grab it*
Thad: Aww, it's a love note for N?
Uzi: No-
Thad: *opens it*
Thad:
Uzi:
Thad: I can't read this.

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Thad: So, what's it like living with N?
Uzi: They once referred to sand as "heterosexual glitter."
Thad: ...
Uzi: I love them so much.

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Thad, walking into N and Uzi’s bedroom in the middle of the night: I had a bad dream.
N: What was it about?
Uzi: No, don’t ask them that!
N: Why not?
Uzi: Cause they’ll answer!

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Thad: Is this your plan B?
Uzi: Technically, this is plan P.
Thad: Plan P? Is there a plan M?
Uzi: Yes, but I marry N in plan M.
N: I like plan M.

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Thad: I like your top, Uzi!
N: I have a name, you know.
Uzi: *sighs* Why. Why are you like this.

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Uzi: Are you a painting?
N: What-?
Uzi: Because I want to pin you to a wall.
Thad: OH GOD I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO SAY YOU WANTED TO HANG THEM OR SOMETHING-

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Thad: But what about N?
Uzi: Don't worry about them.
Uzi: I once watched them fall down 5 flights of stairs, stand up, and keep eating their hotdog like nothing happened.

~

Chapter Text

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V: I know you love them.
Uzi: I am not in love with N!
V, staring at Uzi: I never said who...
Uzi: *realizes*
Uzi: Shit. Well, anyways-

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V: Hey, what’s up?
Uzi: The sky.
V: No, I meant like, what are you doing?
Uzi: Oh, N.
N: *highfives Uzi* Nice!

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Uzi: *pretending to joke* So when are you going to go out with me?
N: I don't know. When are you going to ask me to?
V: And you just ran away?!
Uzi: I didn't expect them to flirt back!

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N: So, what’s Uzi’s type?
V: Yellow eyes, kind, oblivious, good sense of humor, dog lover.
N: Sounds kind of like me. Too bad we’re just friends.
V: Did I mention oblivious?
N: Yeah, why?
V: Okay, just making sure.

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Uzi, looking through their clothes: Has anyone seen my top?
V: N's in the kitchen.

OR

N, looking through their clothes: Has anyone seen my top?
V: Uzi’s in the kitchen.

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N: Look, I know you think my judgement's clouded because I like Uzi a little bit.
Thad, holding N's notepad: You doodled your wedding invitation.
N: No, that's our joint tombstone.
Thad: My mistake.

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Thad: Ooh, somebody has a crush
N: Pfft, I don’t have a crush on Uzi I just think they’re cool, it’s not like I stay up at night thinking about them.
*Later that night*
N, very much awake: Uh oh.

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Uzi: There's no way they like me back.
V: N would throw themself in front of a moving car for you.
Uzi: N would throw themself in front of a moving car for fun.

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*playing twister*
V: Right hand red.
Uzi: *ends up on top of N*
N: You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?
V, eating popcorn: I stopped spinning like 15 minutes ago. Honestly, I'm surprised you didn't notice.

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Uzi: I like wearing oversized sweaters. Not just because they're extremely comfy and cuddly, but because whenever the sleeves are really big, I get to flop them around and smack people.

(The sweaters are N’s <3)

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Uzi, to N: If I'm extra sarcastic with you it probably means I'm flirting with you or you really annoy me and I can't handle your crap... have fun figuring out which one.

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N: What are you in the mood for?
Uzi: World domination.
N: That's a bit ambitious.
Uzi: You are my world.
N: Aww...
Uzi:
N:
Uzi:
N: OH.

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N: We have a problem.
Uzi: No, YOU have a problem. I have an idiot who keeps making them.

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Uzi: I’ve been dropping them the most insanely obvious hints for like a year now. No response.
N: Wow. They sound stupid.
Uzi: But they’re not. They’re really smart actually. Just dense.
N: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… “Hey! I love you!”
Uzi: I guess you’re right. Hey Uzi, I love you.
N: See! Just say that!
Uzi: Holy fucking shit.
N: If that flies over their head then, sorry Uzi, but they're too dumb for you.
Uzi: N

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N: So I can either do something dumb that could very well get me injured or I can listen to Uzi and not do the thing,
N: Well there’s a clear right answer here.
N: *proceeds to throw five packs of mentos into a barrel full of diet coke*

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Uzi: Wow, N, you want to hold my hand before marriage? How awfully lewd of you.
N: We literally slept together yesterday.
Uzi: That's NOTHING compared to the lewdness of holding hands.

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N: Uzi is forbidden from monologuing.

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Uzi: Heh, N sneezes like a girl.
N: How about I pound you like boy?
N: That didn’t come out right.

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N: Hey, wanna take a shower with me?
Uzi: I have a gun in that nightstand beside the bed. If I ever say no to that question, I want you to take it out and shot me because I’ve obviously gone crazy.

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Uzi: I can't take this anymore, someone needs to take me out!
N: In a dating type of way, or an assassination type of way?
Uzi: I don't know, surprise me!

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Uzi: If we don’t get out of this alive… If we’re both about to die… I love you, N!
*Neither of them die*
N: …
Uzi: …
N: So do you wanna talk about somethi-
Uzi: No thank you.

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Uzi: When you said 'Magic in Bed', I wasn't expecting this...
N: *pulls out card from deck* Now, was this your card?
Uzi: Holy moly-

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Uzi: We’re getting married, bitches!
N: And we're about to make it everybody else's problem.

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Uzi: Hey, N, what do you think it would be like if we had kids?
N: What would it be like? Inconvenient, mostly.
Uzi: No, I mean, what would they be like, the kids? You ever think about it?
N: Can't really say I have.
Uzi: You know, for someone as eccentric as yourself, you can be boring as fuck sometimes.
N: Sorry, Uzi. For what it's worth, I'm picturing them now. A boy and a girl. Two perfect little freaks of nature raised by people who've clearly got no business bringin' up anybody.

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Uzi: Wait, what's going on? Are we all talking about how hot N is? Because N is a straight up sexual fox riding a red-hot nuclear bombshell right toward the yowza plaza in the heart of Babe City, Assachusetts, U S A. The last A just stands for more ass.

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(Funnier if Uzi can’t wink)

Uzi: I like your new pants!
N: Thanks, they were 50% off!
Uzi: I’d like them better if they were 100% off. *winks*
N: The store can’t just give away clothes for free.
Uzi: Thats’s… not what I meant.
N: That’s a terrible way to run a business, Uzi.

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N: What’s up with you?
Uzi: What do you mean?
N: You’ve been nice and helpful and considerate all day. What’s your game?

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Uzi: My future partner must be brave, strong, intelligent, successful and organized.
N: *steps on a caterpillar and proceeds to drop to their knees and sob while apologizing profusely*
Uzi: That one. I want that one.

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Uzi: I feel like doing something stupid.
N: I’m stupid, do me.

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Uzi: Well, N and I finally did it!
The rest of the squad: *gasps, shocked expressions, etc.*
Uzi: That's right... We kissed!

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N: Let’s watch Sharkboy and Lavagirl.
Uzi: Okay.
N: And make out during the scary parts.
Uzi: Th-
Uzi: The scary parts.
Uzi: Of Sharkboy and Lavagirl.

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Uzi: N and I are no longer dating.
N: Uzi, that’s a horrible way of telling people we’re married.

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(Ep:6/7 in a nutshell)

Uzi: *coughs blood*
N: Don't die, Uzi!
Uzi: Don't tell me what to do!

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N: I truly go into housewife mode when I'm someone's soulmate- like, I'll make you pancakes and bacon every morning.
Uzi: This is a lie.
Uzi: I'm literally dating them. This is a lie.
Uzi: THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO COOK A PANCAKE, WHAT IS THIS.

(But he’d try :cc)

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Uzi: Since we're in a relationship now, your clothes are my clothes too. Don't ask me why I have your shirt on, this is our shirt.
N: Fine, but when I come strutting in with your fuzzy socks I don't want to hear shit.

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N: *banging a pen on the table out of frustration*
Uzi: Stop that. How would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?
N: I—
N: I don’t know the correct answer to that question.

OR

Uzi: *banging a pen on the table out of frustration*
N: Stop that. How would YOU feel if I banged you on the table?
Uzi: I—
Uzi: I don’t know the correct answer to that question.

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N: We should get you to a doctor for a check up immediately. What if it happens again, and there isn’t anyone around to help you? What if it’s congenital? Oh my God! Was it me? Did I hurt you?
Uzi: …You realize any other person that made their partner pass out in bed would simply feel really proud of themselves, right?

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Uzi: Dom or sub?
N: I guess Domino's, since I don't go to Subway that much. Don't see why you'd put them in the same category though.

(V is not explaining that to him)

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Uzi: So you like cats?
N: Yeah.
Uzi: *tries to impress them by slowly pushing a glass off the table*

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Uzi: I still have no idea how I’m attracted to you...
N: Yeah, well, you’re stuck with me, and no take backs, honey.

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Waiter: What would you like?
N: Bring a milkshake with two straws.
Uzi: *blushes*
N: *puts both straws in their mouth* Watch how fast I can drink this!!

(He’d get another one after and share that one dw <3)

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N: Come to dinner tonight. I can’t cook, but I’ll bring plenty of free wine.
Uzi: Marry me.

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(Ep:7)

Uzi: Are you really planning to shoot the demon?
N: Don't worry, it's a holy gun.
Uzi: How so?
N: It makes holes.

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(Ep:7 Again)

Uzi: I learned a valuable lesson from this.
N: I’m guessing they are all horrible distortions on the lesson you actually should’ve taken away…
Uzi: DEATH ISN’T REAL AND I AM BASICALLY GOD!

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N, talking about Uzi: I would never say that my partner is a bitch and I don’t don’t like them. That’s not true… My partner is a bitch and I like them so much!

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N: It's pretty cold outside.. wanna hold hands? We should stay close.
Uzi, blushing: Okay.
V: It's fucking summer.

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Uzi: I’m in love with you.
N: We called off the prank war last night at midnight, silly.
Uzi: I know.
N: Ah. Okay. Um. Cool. Neat. Very cool. Cool. Cool. Coolcoolcool-

~