Chapter Text
“Don’t even think about cooking this!” Marcille stepped over the rotted corpse and pointed to Laios.
Laios looked down at the bloated monster and turned to Senshi. “Is this something we could eat?”
“NO! NO IT IS NOT! IT’S A GROSS DEAD SMELLY MONSTER!” Marcille yelled, stamping her foot. “Ugh!” She looked down.
“Watch where you step, there’s mushrooms everywhere. Some are probably poison.” Chilchuck said, eyeing the goo covering Marcille’s foot.
Marcille screamed.
It had been a rough day for the group. A cave in had caused them to go off course into an area of the dungeon that they’d never been to before. Marcille felt like they’d been walking forever already, and there were still most likely days before they got back on the right course.
Right now they were in a long moist hall, the walls of the castle so covered in moss and mold that it felt like walking through a hollowed out log. There was more light than usual, since many of the mushrooms glowed, but also little edible food and even fewer monsters. Senshi had made some gel from the moss that acted like a sort of paste that tasted pretty good when seasoned, but it was not nearly satisfying enough.
Senshi set down his pack and started unpacking his cooking gear. “There is no use in going further. We have only a little moss gel left, and it is not enough to get us through the next few days. We’ll need to scavenge for supplies.” He pulled out a piece of paper and started writing. “This is a list of different mushrooms that I know of that are edible that might be around here.” He ripped the paper and handed one piece to Chilchuck and one to Laios. He turned to Marcille, who was holding out her hand expectantly.
“Elf, I am worried you will not do well at this.”
“WHAT? I AM AN EXPERT AT HARVESTING! Do you know how many different herbs and magical plants I need to do research?”
“This is different. Your methods are simple and thoughtless. You could poison yourself if you are not careful.”
Marcille’s retort was cut off by Chilchuck handing her his piece of paper. “Here. She’s only gonna scream till monsters show up anyway if you don’t. She’s such a baby sometimes.”
Marcille snatched the paper away and glared at Chilchuck. “I am not a baby! You’re the shortie! I am a genius elven mage! You’ll see! I’ll get more mushrooms then all of you!” She turned and stomped off.
“Don’t go too far!” Laios called after her.
“Don’t tell me what to do!” She called behind her. She sped down the hall and took a few sharp turns to put some distance between her and the boys.
“Stupid shortie! Stupid dwarf! I’ll show them!” She marched to the first large door she saw and tested it. It opened at her touch, which made it seem unlikely to have monsters or traps in it in her eyes. She opened it just a crack and stuck her head in. She let out a cry of excitement. The room was covered in fungus. Mushrooms carpeted every square inch of space in the room. It was one of the most beautiful rooms she’d ever seen. It felt like a room straight from a fairy tale.
She reached for her book on botany, and her hand grazed Senshi’s note, tucked in next to it. She scowled at it before crumbling it up and tossing it on the floor. The dwarf might know a thing or two about cooking, but there was no way some hand scrawled note could have more info then her trusted book. She flipped to the chapter about mushrooms and started picking.
After an hour, she had her selection. This room was really well stocked. They’d have enough here to feed themselves for at least a few days. “That’ll show them I’m the best gatherer.” Marcille laughed. She was just about to go, when she noticed out of the corner of her eye, another door leading off of the room she hadn’t gone in yet. She walked over and pushed some debris out of the way, and saw a small grotto, filled with glowing purple mushrooms. Her eyes lit up. She knew what these were, Dryadalis Mushrooms.
Dryadalis Mushrooms were fungi that restored mana to anyone who ate them. They weren’t very useful in small doses, but with this much, she could get herself back up to full. She bent down and picked one up. It looked safe enough to eat. There were no obvious parasites or gross things on them. Compared to her new diet, it was downright mundane. She was about to eat it when she thought back to what Senshi had said. She took out her book just to confirm that these were really Dryadalis Mushrooms. She held the mushroom next to the picture and compared. It was an exact match. She popped the mushroom in her mouth and chewed it satisfied. It was pretty good, except it had a bit of a salty aftertaste. She ate a few more just for good measure, then picked the rest and put them in a special pouch. As she checked around the room to make sure there were no more she had missed, she saw where the source of light from this room was coming from. There was a stained glass wall, and behind it, several hundred glowing mushrooms. The effect was quite breathtaking, and she spent a moment admiring the purple glass’s light shining on her. It really was a breathtaking room.
She made it back to camp just after the others. Senshi had three very large dead sheep looking things with big puffy bodies like marshmallows that Marcille was pretty sure were air elementals, but Chilchuck and Laios had only two very small handfuls of mushrooms between them, and one sad looking carrot. Marcille smirked and strode in proudly, dropping her large bags of mushrooms by Senshi’s feet.
Laios and Chilchuck’s jaws dropped. “Where did you find that?” Chilchuck asked.
“I told you, I didn’t need any help finding mushrooms.” She said, smiling and pushing a hand through her hair. It was about time they started acknowledging her skills.
“Thank you Marcille. This will really help us.” Laios said, pulling a few mushrooms out to examine.
“Be careful, I’ve sorted all of them, so don’t mix them up. And don’t touch the purple ones in the small bag. Those are special.”
Senshi reached over and opened the small bag and made a face of disgust.
“Why did you gather these mushrooms? They should never be eaten.” He asked.
Marcille laughed. “While not useful in your line of work, these mushrooms are full of magical wonders, something you wouldn’t know anything about as a magic hater. Notice how the purple caps are concave? That’s proves they’re-”
“Marcille.” Chilchuck interrupted.
“-as far back as millennia ago, elves have harvested these precious shrooms to-”
“Marcille, these mushrooms are white.” Chilchuck said.
Marcille froze. “Wh-wh-what? No… They’re purple. I checked. I distinctly remember cause they were the same color…as…the ... ..glass…” She slowly turned around.
Chilchuck was holding up one of the mushrooms, an unimpressed look on his face. The mushrooms were bone white. Marcille felt her whole body go numb from shock. She looked at the bag, then slowly to Senshi.
“What kind of mushrooms are those?” She asked as politely and calmly as she could manage.
“Those are known as Enfantis Cappies.” Senshi said.
“Oh, well… a mushroom with such a cute name can’t be too dangerous… right?” Marcille said. She took a deep breath to relax her nerves… and realized it wasn’t fear that had made her numb. She swayed, tipped, and fell backwards into blackness.
Marcille’s vision came back to her blurry as she slowly regained consciousness. She blinked. She was still at camp, lying down on her back.
“Wha habbened?” Her tongue felt numb, as did the rest of her body. She tried sitting up, but her muscles refused to move.
“Are you doing alright Marcille?” Laios asked. She tried again to sit up so she could see him, but she was still too weak. Her vision moved, and in a moment, she saw Laios was propping her up on some blankets so she could see better. She didn’t feel it at all. The sensation was very unpleasant. Laios, Chilchuck, and Senshi were all gathered around her, though only Laios looked concerned.
“Wha habbened?” Marcille asked again, trying to remember what led her to this moment. “Was der a monsta?”
“You ate bad mushrooms and poisoned yourself.” Chilchuck said.
Marcille didn’t hear him. She’d just noticed something more pressing about her situation.
“Whewe awe my cwothes?” She asked in a dangerous calm voice. She couldn’t feel the textures on her skin anymore, but the way her blue dress lay on her, she could tell she wasn’t wearing her pants. Her sandals were likewise missing. She glared suspiciously from one guilty blushing face to another, till finally Laios spoke up.
“After you fell asleep, there was an… accident.”
“Whad sowta assiden?”
“Well Senshi said that these mushrooms are a powerful muscle relaxant.” Laios said.
“It’s true!” Senshi said. “Then when unsuspecting animals eat them and can no longer move, they slowly die of starvation, and the mushroom eats their body for nutrients.”
“It’s probably what killed the monster we saw when we arrived.” Laios said excitedly.
“Yeah. Guess you did end up eating corpses after all.” Chilchuck grinned.
“IS NA FUNNAE!” Marcille yelled. She tried to swipe at him, but her arm only made the slightest movement. “Whad does id have ta do wiff ma cwothes?”
“Well…” Laios said. The boys went back to looking a bit red, though Chilchuck was still trying to hold back a laugh.
“When these creatures digest the mushroom fully, the muscle relaxant works almost instantly. It causes the creature to produce fertilizer, and that helps the local plant life, which causes more healthy plants to grow around the mushroom, concealing and helping make sure another creature consumes it,” Senshi said.
“It’s quite interesting,” Laios said, eye's wide with excitement. “The mushroom hides in plants, waiting to be accidentally eaten by the victim, then makes them create fertilizer to grow plants around it, concealing it again. It’s really clever when you think about it.”
Marcille tried to follow what was being said, but her brain was still slow from passing out. “So when ya say fernaliza…”
Chilchuck burst out laughing. “Don’t worry, Laios managed to save your top from getting dirty. The rest is over here. We were just deciding who has to wash it when you woke up.”
Marcille went red. “Ya lyin! I did'n! I did'n… hab an assaden!”
Laios and Senshi both huddled together and started whispering as Chilchuck continued laughing at Marcille’s desperate attempts to kill him. After a while, they came back.
“Macille, we’re going to need to do something about this.” Laios said.
“A couwse we awe! Gib me a annadode!”
“‘We don’t have any right now. We were going to try and make one, but the ingredients are too difficult to risk obtaining with you this way. We’re going to have to keep going and hope we find a healer or just try and wait this out. Senshi said that the effects are long, but not permanent, as long as you didn’t eat too many. Did you?”
Marcille looked down. “I had… a coubble.”
Laios nodded. “We have two problems now. One, you can’t move by yourself. Therefore, we are going to have to take turns carrying you. I’ll start, then Senshi will take over after lunch. The second problem is that if you can no longer control your bowels, we will need to think of a way to deal with that. We can’t keep letting you have accidents.”
Marcille blushed. “Don' call dem dat.”
“What do you want him to call it then?” Chilchuck's momentary humor had been replaced with his usual surly annoyance.. “This is your fault for eating mushrooms off the ground without thinking! If your smell starts attracting monsters, we’re all gonna die. I am not dying because my teammate can’t stop from-”
“Regardless, Chilchuck is right. We need something to keep your smell from attracting monsters, so Senshi had an idea. I’m going to go wash your clothes while Senshi prepares it, and then he can fill you in,” Laios said.
Laios got up and grabbed the soiled bundle and went off to the water fountain, leaving a very beat red Marcille behind.
“Here, start peeling these mushrooms,” Senshi said, handing Chilchuck a large pile of Marcille’s mushrooms.
“Are we sure these aren’t poisonous too,” Chilchuck asked a bit warily.
“I checked them myself. The rest of the mushrooms the elf gathered were fine.” Senshi said. “Still, she was very foolish to eat mushrooms without identifying them.”
“I did! I did! I idennafy dem! My book said dey were otay!”
Senshi walked over to her and made a serious face. “You cannot believe everything you read.”
“Bud you wote down youw mushooms too!”
Senshi shook his head. “Yes, but I have experience in such things.”
“Bu-”
“I cannot speak on this more. I have to prepare these monsters for you.” Senshi walked to the large poofy cloud things and took out his knife and started carving them up. He skinned them first, then chopped up their meat and started seasoning it. He put it over the fire on a spit and then went back to the now dried skins. They didn’t deflate like Marcille expected them too, but puffed up, like loaves of bread. They looked very soft.
He took them and started using a smaller knife and sewing kit and began cutting them into odd shapes. Marcille thought they looked a bit like the letter H, but longer. After a while, he had made a large pile of what must have been about fifteen. He took the remaining material and put it away, before going back to the cut out H shapes and began applying some sort of gel to the points on the shape of one of the things. Marcille was curious despite herself, watching in awe as the dwarf worked.
Finally, Senshi showed her the finished product. It took her a second to realize what it was.
“NA! NA! I AM NA WAWIN A DIAPIE!”
“You must. It is the only way to keep you from attracting monsters. This monster’s skin has an absorbing element to it that can mask the smell for hours before needing to be changed.”
“NA NA NA NA! I WON' WEAW DAT!”
“Not like you can do much to stop him,” Chilchuck said from the fire. “Just put it on her. She’ll just have to deal with it.”
Senshi looked hesitantly at Marcille.
He tossed the diaper next to her and sat down, crossing his legs. “I will wait for Laios to come so he can do it.”
Marcille fumed in the corner while the two boys finished chopping the mushrooms and grilling the meat. Her anger faded somewhat at the delicious smell however. At least she could have some real food again.
Laios arrived a few minutes later with bad news. “I wasn’t able to wash your clothes Marcille.” He said. “There are skeletons guarding the water fountain, and I don’t think it’s wise to waste resources with one of us out of commission.”
“Weos! Tew Sashy I am na gonna weaw a diapie!”
“Oh, wow! Marcille, did you see how nice these came out?” Laios said, examining the skins. ”These are incredible. I wonder why this monster has smell absorption. Does it help prevent detection from something? Perhap-”
“WEOS! I NA GONNA WEAW ID!”
Laios looked surprised. “Well, it is either this, or we will have to go back. Maybe we could find a healer on the way, but most likely we will need to return to the surface.”
Marcille thought about poor Falin, digesting in the dragon’s stomach. How could she leave her friend to her fate after she risked her life to save them all?
“UGH… fiiiiine. Bu don' waff at me!”
“No one is going to laugh at you. You are making a great sacrifice to help save my sister. I am grateful, and I’m sure she is too,” said Laios. “Going deeper into the dungeon without the ability to move is far more dangerous than anything we’ve tried before, but I am confident in our abilities.”
“I- on secon tawt…”
Laios took the diaper by Marcille and lifted her legs up high. She let out a squeak of embarrassment as Laios positioned her butt over it. Chilchuck and Senshi looked away, both a bit red. Senshi reached behind him to hand Laios a bottle.
“Use this. It acts as a medicine to prevent rashes from mushroom poison.” He said. “And it will help reduce the smell.”
Laios took it and sprinkled it experimentally on Marcille. A fine white powder came out.
“Whad is dat?” Marcille asked, surprised. “Id smewws good!”
“It’s the powdered bone of rats absorbed by a flesh eating plant. The stomach acid gives it a sweet smell, and the calcium is good for your skin.” Senshi said, his back turned. “Make sure to scrub it in deep so it can be absorbed.”
Marcille’s eye twitched as she watched, speechless as Laios poured a generous amount of the powder on his hand and rubbed it over Marcille’s bottom. He put her legs down and folded the diaper closed, using the gel to stick the tabs closed. The whole time Marcille looked off into the distance, the knowledge her ass had just been smeared with rat bones and monster plant stomach acid leaving her traumatized.
When Laios finished he pulled her up and dragged her, still shell shocked, towards the fire. Chilchuck and Senshi had already dug in, eating Marcille’s mushrooms and Senshi’s weird cloud meat happily.
Laios took a skewer of meat and examined it excitedly. “Air Elemental Shish Kabobs,” Senshi explained excitedly.
“Ah-em,” Marcille said pointedly. Laios looked towards her. She opened her mouth expectantly. This at least was one part of this terrible ordeal she could look forward to. Being fed her meals like a queen was something she’d always wanted to try. She pictured Chilchuck and Senshi fanning her with leaves while Laios fed her the finest fruits and vegetables in the land. It sounded like heaven. If only Falin were here to do it instead. She blushed a bit at the thought. Falin was so-
Her thoughts were cut off as a spoon was roughly shoved into her mouth, banging her teeth and filling her mouth with a familiar paste.
“Wad?” She opened her eyes. Laios was busy eating his food, and Chilchuck was standing in front of her with a small bowl and an annoyed look on his face.
“Hurry up,” he said. “I want to go back to my dinner.”
“Wad? I don' wan mo moss! I wan-”
“Senshi says you can’t eat solid foods right now,” Laios spoke with his mouth full. “You could choke, and it will help with the smell. Plus now we have enough meat and mushrooms for the rest of us, so we have extra moss gel for you.”
“Bud is nad eben seasoned!”
“He says that could upset your stomach right now.”
Marcille looked from the delicious roasting mushrooms she’d worked so hard to gather today to the large bowl of bland mossy mush and her eyes watered. She let out a sniff and opened her mouth reluctantly so Chilchuck could spoon feed her more paste. She was never going to eat mushrooms off the ground again.