Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Jasmine has added Kwan, Dashiel, Valerie, and others to a group chat

Jasmine has named the chat Class Chat

Kwan: Dashiel 💀

Dashiel: stfu

Tucker: LMAO

Samantha has changed their name to Sam

Star: well that was fast

Tucker: speaking of which

Tucker has changed Jasmine's name to Jazz

Jazz: Thank you, Tucker. It was starting to bother me

Tucker: ofc ofc

Sam: It was bothering all of us

Dashiel has changed their name to Dash

Valerie: wait, why are we all here?

Jazz: Right!

Jazz: Lancer wanted a group chat for your class and asked me to make and moderate it

Paulina: ohhh so we can check work together and stuff?

Tiffanie: yes! so can someone help me with number 8 on the sheet??

Nathan: Wait, Danny's been quiet

Star: wait lmao, he's not even in the chat

Dash: HA

Jazz: Just wanted to get everyone adjusted before setting him loose

Paulina: lol y?

Dash: yeah, its just Fenturd

Tucker: they got their warning

Sam: Set him free

Valerie: All I'm imagining is Danny shaking a cage rn

Tiffanie: ajshssg???

Kyle: That actually sounds pretty accurate

Jazz: Alright, opening the cage

Nathan: I'm crying what

Jazz has added Daniel to Class Chat

Daniel has changed their name to Danny

Danny: good morning futhermuckers

Kwan: it

Kwan: it's 2 pm???

Danny: bold of u to assume I've been awake before now

Wesley has changed their name to Wes

Wes: Well, well, well

Wes: Look who's here

Danny: look whos just now changed their name

Danny: McBitch

Sam: Danny, go take another nap

Danny: hoes mad

Tucker: bruh

Kyle: dannyyyy

Danny: ayyyy

Kyle: ayyyy

Tiffanie: wtf

Nathan: They're communicating

Chapter Text

Nathan: um

Nathan: Danny got on another rant about space, then just

Nathan: Stopped talking

Nathan: Face absolutely blank and he just sat there

Danny: sorry got too excited

Kyle: brain nerfed thoughts again?

Danny: ye

Tiffanie: that happen often?

Sam: Oh you have no idea

Danny: sam has the braincell 23/7 

Nathan: 23??

Danny: very occasionally tuck

Star: wait lmao, how does Kyle know that??

Nathan: Just looked over and saw Danny start cackling

Kyle: LMAOOO

Kyle: we dated for a bit

Kwan: YOU W H A T

Sam: It was to piss off Wes

Tucker: Wes started with his conspiracy stuff while Daany was over for a project and they started making out to mess with him

Jazz: That was fun to hear about

Jazz: Also

Jazz has changed Danny's name to Daany

Dash: D A A N Y

Paulina: I'm sorry, hoe does making out to mess with the nut turn into dating??

Star: HOE???

Paulina: LOL meant how

Star: nah, opportunity

Star has changed Paulina's name to howhoe

Daany: ok i can breathe again

Wes: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU DID THAT TO PISS ME OFF?

Kyle: I don't like u

Kyle has changed Wes's name to The Nut

Daany: btw jazz i borrowed ur shoes

Jazz: My shoes???

Daany: needed ur clompers

Tucker: LMFAO CLOMPERS???

Dash has changed Jazz's name to Clompers

Clompers: WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT?

Kwan: absolutely living for this

Sam: It's worse in person

Daany: im gone bitch

Daany: took ur stompers and ran

Tucker: he a runner he a track star

Kyle: boooo dead meme

Sam: Okay but fr

Sam: Danny, where are you?

Daany: what i always do tf

Tucker: send the pics this time

Daany: of the work or in the car

Sam: Both

Nathan: I'm sorry, what the fuck happening?

Clompers: Danny being a dumbass and getting arrested again

Dash: ARRESTED?

howhoe: AGAIN???

Daany: stfu i need to work

The Nut: Work on what, exactly?

Sam: We'll all see later, now be quiet

Chapter Text

Star: Fenton?

Star: you there?

Daany: yep just got back home

Clompers: You mean the police just dropped you off

Daany: same thing

Kwan: no I don't think think so

Sam: Now pictures

Daany: alr alr

Daany: fukurantacts.jpeg

Daany: fukdapolice.jpeg

Valerie: wait, all that pro ghost graffiti around town has been you?

Dash: and did you just take a selfie in the back of a police cruiser?

Daany: yes and yes

Daany: fuck the anti exto acts and fuck the police

Tiffanie: Im sorry, u do this often??

Daany: pr much ye

The Nut: No, there's something else to this

howhoe: what, gonna claim he's dead again?

The Nut: Well, It's so high up. How else would he get up there?

Daany: bro

Daany: ladder

Mr. Lancer: Mr. Fenton, while I appreciate taking action against unjust laws, please keep yourself out of legal trouble.

Daany: FUCK LANCER JUMPSCARE

Mr. Lancer: And, Mr. Weston, please stop with these rumors of classmates being dead. Your claims are absolutely baseless and, quite frankly, ridiculous.

Tucker: oooohhh

The Nut: But I have proof!

Kwan: like what exactly?

The Nut: I've shown my proof!

Valerie: You mean the photoshoped pictures in everyone's lockers? That proof?

Valerie: No one took that seriously. Literally everyone was laughing. Danny isn't dead (surprisingly) and you're crazy.

Valerie: Now lay off him.

Kwan: OH SHIT

Dash: TAKE DOWN

Sam has changed Valerie's name to That Bitch

Kyle: seriously dude, youre a joke

Star: that's crazy

Chapter Text

Tiffanie: this is a call out

Tiffanie: stop talking about the eclipse, Fenton

Daany: :(

Tiffanie: don't frown at me

Tiffanie: you will not shut up

Daany: I REALLY LIKE SPACE, OKAY??

The Nut: So, you could say it's an obsession of yours, hm?

Star: bruh

Sam: I'll pay whoever punches Wes

Kwan: how much we talking here?

Sam: hmm

Sam: 52 cents

Kwan: done

Tiffanie: ignoring whatever that was

Tiffanie: please for the love of everything, stop talking about the eclipse

Tucker: nice try, you can’t actually get him to stop

Tucker: once he starts on space, you just have to wait until he's done

Daany: im not that bad :(

Sam: Danny, we love you, but

Sam: Yes you are

Daany has changed Sam's name to hater

hater: You are absolutely right sir

Nathan: Relationship goals

Dash: wait i though Fenton and Foley were dating?

howhoe: oh I thought it was Manson and Foley

Tucker: guys this is gonna be crazy, but

Tucker: all three of us are dating

Daany has changed Tucker's name to crazy?

Kwan: yea that tracks

That Bitch: Was that not clear to all of you?

Star: IT WAS CLEAR TO YOU???

That Bitch: When you walk into Danny's house (which is a death trap btw) and into his room only to find all three of them making out and cuddling, yes.

That Bitch: It becomes very clear

Daany: haha the death traps are worse when you set them off

The Nut: And why exactly do you set them off? They only activate with ghosts, don't they?

Kyle: dude, pipe down

The Nut: Well, I'm just saying that the accident at the beginning on freshman year MAY have something to do with that

Star: OMFG, Wes!

Star: you don't just bring up people's near death experiences like that!

Kwan: yeah, that's messed up dude

Dash: say anything like that again and I will turn YOU into a ghost. understand?

Daany: well dam

Daany: i was all ready to lay wes out myself and then. shit

Nathan: Done made him use punctuation

crazy?: they fr said " no one messes with him but us"

howhoe: throwing in my own threat

howhoe: If I ever hear another word of Fenton's accident from you, Wes, I will make sure that you end up in the gutters of society

hater: :O

Daany: guys its not that serious-

Kyle: you almost DIED. how is it not that serious?

Daany: he brings it up all the time i can handle him being dumb

Daany: fuck i just realized how quiet jazz has been

Daany: HEY HEY HEY @Clompers

Daany: STAY UR ASS THERE, DO NOT COME DOWN HERE

Clompers: Fine, but I WILL be picking you up from school

Daany: dam fine

Nathan: w h a t

Daany: jazz made me get life360 so we could keep track of each other

Daany: @Mr. Lancer

Daany: 5 min to get on DOOMED or were spawn killing you

Nathan: LANCER PLAYS DOOMED???

hater: Yes and he's taking forever to get online

crazy?: so either he gives in to the pressure of this being on the class schat or else

Kwan: fuck I'm immature, just started laughing at class schat

Kyle has changed the chat name to Class Schat

Chapter Text

Nathan: @crazy? @hater Please come collect your twink

Dash: LMFAO???

crazy?: what did he do

Nathan: He hasn't shut up about the eclipse since yesterday

Clompers: Yeah, expected that to happen.

Clompers: @Daany

Clompers: SYBAUIKWYS

Daany: icawbya

Clompers: I'd like to see you try

Tiffanie: what in the damn

That Bitch: abbreviations

hater: They threaten each other with those exact lines so often that they just started to abbreviate

crazy?: translation- Shut Your Bitch Ass Up I Know Where You Sleep

crazy?: I Can And Will Beat Your Ass

Kyle: well shit.

Daany: listen shes my sister and i love her but

Daany: shes my sister and i hate her

Clompers: <3

Daany: i will sell you on the dark web <3

Kwan: oh

Kwan: any1 got glowsticks?

Star: yes, but y?

Kwan: party

Kwan: theme is glow in the dark

Star: mk, just come by my house

Kwan: thx <3

Kwan: wtf

Kwan: I get here and someone is chugging a bottle of something on a table

Dash: WTF? whose party are u even at?

howhoe: id bet ashley, her parties get nuts

Kwan: nah, Ember's

Star: Ember?? As in the ghost that mind controlled the entire town??

howhoe: oh yeah! she and the ghost boy have a truce!

Kwan: yeah, and Ember throws ragers. There's a group dedicated to finding out where she hosts them

Dash: damn, drag me along to one of those

Kwan: WAIT.

Kwan: holy shit I think I know who that is

howhoe: WHO.

Kwan: @Daany WAS THAR YOU ON THW TABLE????

Daany: oh shit, ur here? come say hi dude.

Daany: haha, just scrolled up. the bottle was vodka.

Star: I don't know whats more shocking, Fenton having a social life, being able to chug a bottle of vodka, or him using punctuation

crazy?: he uses punctuation when he's drunk

crazy?: for the other two, we help set up and clean up the parties with Ember. We've been going since the first one

crazy?: and the vodka thing was a bet

Daany: tuck bet 20 bucks that i couldn't chug the entire bottle in 2 min or less, ember had the idea to put me on the table

Dash: well now im curious, how fast did you drink it?

hater: 1 minute 23 seconds

Tiffanie: d a m n

crazy?: my poor 20 dollars 😔

hater: Then don't make bets against someone we've been drinking with for years

Nathan: You guys know Lancer is in here, right?

Mr. Lancer: That is correct.

hater: FUCK

Mr. Lancer: However, I feel that your after school activities are none of my business. As long as you aren't injured, I am willing to turn a blind eye to this.

crazy?: LET'S GO LANCER

Kwan: LMAO, Fenton is shitfaced

Kwan: wait what just happened

crazy?: None of your business.

howhoe: wait what happened?

Kwan: see, i WOULD explain, but I'm scared of Foley

Nathan has changed Kwan's name to FearFoley

Mr. Lancer: That question will have to go unanswered. Mrs. Manson, Mr. Foley, please see to Mr. Fenton and determine if you want to explain the situation.

hater: Wait, you know?

Daany: i forgor i told him

Daany: and tetslaff

crazy?: gonna beat ur ass

Clompers: No, I'M gonna beat his ass

The Nut: Hm. Did he happen to phase through the floor, by any chance?

Kyle: speaking of beating people's asses, I'm gonna go beat Wes's

hater: @FearFoley I'll text you what happened later

hater has started a private message with FearFoley

FearFoley: so WHY did Fenton just phase through the floor??

hater: Long story short, Wes is right. Danny is a ghost, but only kinda.

FearFoley: HOW IS SOMEONE ONLY KINDA A GHOST??

hater: He's what other ghosts call a Halfa, half human, half ghost. He usually has better control over his powers when drunk, but I guess this time was different

FearFoley: prob has something to do with chugging that bottle

hater: Oh, no. He's done that plenty of times.

FearFoley: he what.

FearFoley: ykw nvm

FearFoley: how is Danny? And how does he manage being a ghost? His parents are literal ghost hunters, I don't think it's safe to be in the same house as them

hater: Danny's in deep denial about not being safe with them. Just try and explain anything about them not being good parents and he starts deflecting like a mf

hater: We would have gotten him out immediately after he was discharged from the hospital after the accident, but leaving would kill him. Permanently this time

FearFoley: wdym???

hater: His obsession is protection. If he leaves instead of protecting Amity Park- his haunt- then he risks denial of obsession and his core shattering

hater: He can surrender his haunt, but he can't bring himself to do it. It would mean other ghosts start fighting for claim, putting everyone in more danger

FearFoley: what happens when you three move away? Ik you plan to

hater: Danny's been training with Ember and Poindexter so one of them can take Amity Park over. He trusts them to keep it safe

hater: Danny's bugging me to make sure you understand he's Phantom btw

FearFoley: yeah, I got that. And glad u weren't just saying stuff w/o his permission

FearFoley: oh and tell him that he stop bugging you or I tip off a cult to summon him

hater: this is danny, What The Fuck dude

FearFoley: L

Chapter Text

Dash: um @Daany, Wes is following you with a camera?

Daany: yeah he does that

Dash: and youre just cool w that? or should I kick his ass?

Daany: im not cool with it but considering ive threatened to report him about a dozen times

Daany: hes not going to stop

Daany: please get him to leave me alone

Dash: I'm getting the team, we'll get him to lay off you.

FearFoley: Damn right

Daany: thank you

Ghostbusters with GoingGoth, catch me if you can, and KingTuck

GoingGoth: Lmao, you're sending the footballers after Wes?

catch me if you can: i have a plan just go w it

Class Schat with That Bitch, howhoe, Daany, and others

Star: Wes, you're fucking stalking him???

howhoe: Yeah, the conspiracy theories were funny before, but now this is just creepy

crazy?: Danny's been really afraid to walk home alone bc of him, and we usually walk with him, but Sam and I are both absent...

FearFoley: yep, beating his ass

The Nut has started a private message with Daany

The Nut: What the fuck, Phantom?

Daany: hopefully this teaches you to lay off

Daany: and quit calling me that

The Nut: Why? That is your name.

Daany: yea but thats my ghost name

The Nut: SO I AM RIGHT

Daany: mhm and good luck proving it

The Nut: I can just take a screenshot and send it to the entire school

Daany: go ahead

The Nut: Wtf, why can't I screenshot?

Daany: none of my messages can be screenshotted i just corrupt it

The Nut: Well, I don't need the screenshot, I can just show everyone my phone.

Daany: do you really think anyone will believe that?

The Nut: I will show everyone who you are.

Daany: like i said

Daany: Good luck with that.

Class Schat with crazy?, Tiffanie, Clompers, and others

Tiffanie: hope you learned your lesson, nutjob

Tiffanie: the girls and I just spread it around that you were honest to god stalking Fenton

Daany: you did?

Star: yep and there's now a safety route in place for u if it happens again

Daany: oh thank you so so much

howhoe: just bc human crime rates have gone down doesn't mean it's at 0

howhoe: no one wants to risk anything happening to anyone

Mr. Lancer: Mr. Fenton, please come by my room tomorrow to further discuss the safety route.

Daany: i will

Nathan: @Clompers, got any input?

hater: She's going to mother hen him when he gets home.

Daany: did

Daany: did someone just bark at wes?

crazy?: HAHA YEAH JUST GEARD THAT

Kyle: Tiffanie, was that you????

Tiffanie: yes

Daany: y tho

Tiffanie: I have no shame

Daany: fair enough

That Bitch has changed Star's name to Kickass

That Bitch: I SAW THAT

Kickass: well fuck

Nathan: What happened??

That Bitch: Box ghost showed up, she just turned around and punched him

That Bitch: solid hit honestly, really good

Kickass: thx I've been taking self defense classes since a bit before sophomore year

Kickass: Phantom even said it was cool!

howhoe: luckkyyy!

Dash: man, Phantom is the coolest person ever!

FearFoley: maybe a lil TOO cool in ur eyes

Dash: hey, not gay if he's dead

Nathan: FUCK JUST SPIT OUT MY WATER

hater: better than Danny, who just started choking on air

Daany has changed Dash's name to Not Gay If He's Dead

Tiffanie: since Phantom is a ghost, does that make Dash a monster fucker?

crazy?: HAAAAAAAA

Chapter Text

Kyle has changed Tiffanie's name to Shameless

Kyle: im in actual tears

Kyle: SHE KEEPS BARKING AT WES

Shameless: i wear this name with PRIDE.

Nathan: I'm cackling, there's just a quiet bark every time Wes gets too close to her

Not Gay If He's Dead: we are literally under attack. y r u barking at the man?

Shameless: What man?

crazy?: AKJAFDO

Shameless: im right

Kickass: hey @crazy? @hater where is Fenton? hes not with you

crazy?: tbh we have no clue

howhoe: You don't know where your boyfriend is.

hater: We know that he's fine

FearFoley: yeah, the dude has all sorts of hiding spots

FearFoley: once found him folded into a cabinet

Not Gay If He's Dead: HAH

Mr. Lancer: Please get off the chat while the attack is dealt with. I am aware of where Mr. Fenton is and I can assure you he is fine.

Kyle: o7

Ghostbusters with GoingGoth, catch me if you can, and KingTuck

catch me if you can: just read the chat, kwan comin in clutch

KingTuck: frfr

GoingGoth: I think we should tell Kyle. He would absolutely do the same thing, and we could use more than two people to help cover.

catch me if you can: ur rite, but i dont know how i should

KingTuck: we got this dude, its gonna be ok

catch me if you can: o shit

catch me if you can: val just texted. she knows

KingTuck: SHE KNOWS??

GoingGoth: Fuck, i'm coming over. Tuck?

KingTuck: just left the house

That Bitch has started a private message with Daany

That Bitch: Danny.

That Bitch: I know that you're Phantom.

Daany: listen, i know ur angry, but u need to hear me out

That Bitch: I'm not angry, just so confused

That Bitch: When did this happen? HOW did this happen?

Daany: it was the accident. sam tuck and i went to check out the portal, i went in, tripped, and hit the on button on the wall

Daany: i dont know exactly what happened, but i have a guess. i think that i fully died, then the electricity acted as a defibrillator of sorts and the ecto energy maintained the half and half state i was in

That Bitch: Jeez...

Daany: can i say that the red huntress wont be an enemy anymore?

That Bitch: YOU KNEW?

Daany: yeaahhhh

Daany: how did u find out abt me?

That Bitch: First, do you know that Plasmius is like you?

Daany: for the love of the ancients please tell me you saw that fruitloop transform

That Bitch: So you do know?

Daany: ive known for years dude i know hes vlad masters

Daany: its y i got absolute beef w the bastard

Daany: so u put the pieces together from there?

That Bitch: Mhm. Also, Dani isn't your cousin, is she?

Daany: naur, shes my clone

That Bitch: Haha, your WHAT?

Daany: fruitloop tried to clone me a bunch of times lmfao

That Bitch: I hope you realize I'm juding you.

Daany: yaur

Daany: official truce bw red and phantom?

That Bitch: Yes. Someone has to make sure you keep the bit of life you still have

Daany: mean :(

Daany: sam and tuck r here gtg

Daany: btw u coming 2 movie night?

That Bitch: Yeah, but it's shocking that Sam's parents still let you in the house

Daany: o 100%

Chapter Text

That Bitch: @howhoe Why you got so much yarn?

howhoe: to wipe my tears with

Nathan: hhhhhhhh

howhoe: Lol, but fr, I'm learning to crochet

howhoe: Going to make a lesbian pride flag drawstring bag :]

Daany: r those emoticons i smell

howhoe: they're silly n I love them :(

Daany: entirely valid

Kyle: wait i didn't know you were a lesbian

Kickass: ugh, men /j

howhoe: a lot of guys dont and keep hitting on me

howhoe: i only realized it late last year, so i understand, but even if i tell someone, they brush it off and continue to hit on me

crazy?: !! we'll wear pride stuff w u!

Daany: as for being hit on, just tell kitty or johnny

Daany: theyll take care of that just fine

FearFoley: Danny are you offering hitmen?

Daany: Perhaps.

hater: You'll get results with Kitty, Johnny really only handles stuff for Danny

Shameless: I was wondering how you knew this, then remembered the portal to hell just kinda in your basement

Daany: it do just kinda be there

Daany: man electrolyte drinks r fantastick

Daany: i am so fuckin hydrated rn

Daany: i got a mini fridge and it is STOCKED w various delicious electrolyte drinks

Daany: plus lemonade

hater: better not be gatorade or powerade

Daany: absolutely not, free palestine

Not Gay If He's Dead: damn right

Daany: yokining shit from claires who wants smth

Kyle: are you stealing from major corporations again?

Daany: Yes.

Mr. Lancer: Mr. Fenton

Daany: i mean haha what stealing whos stealing

Nathan: catscreaming.jpg Danny rn

Mr. Lancer: I know that you are actively grabbing stuff, so just know that I feel there is a moral obligation to take from large corporations that underpay workers and mistreat both worker and customer. With that being said, grab me a notebook?

Daany: lancer, you are my favorite adult ever. getting u the most colorful one they got

Clompers has changed Mr. Lancer's name to Real One

Nathan: LURKER.

FearFoley: SHUN THE LURKER

That Bitch: SHUN

crazy?: SHUN

Not Gay If He's Dead has changed Clomper's name to Lurker

Lurker: cryingcatbitingwire.jpg

Shameless has changed Nathan's name to Whistleblower

Whistleblower: Finally, I have achieved gc name

Kickass: congrats on your life goals

Kickass: also danny pretty please get me a carebear bracelet pretty please

Daany: i gotchu

Kickass: meetatpark.jpg carebearbracelet.jpg hellokittysocks.jpeg

Kickass: this bracelet is so cute i love it thank you danny

Daany: ofc ofc but my socks r better

Kickass: how dare you

Chapter Text

Tiffanie: Paulina... Why did you draw a pentagram on the floor? 

Paulina: Your text told me to satanize the house before you returned. 

Tiffanie: 

Tiffanie: I wrote sanitize, Paulina.

###

Mrs. Tetslaff: Just trust me. Have I ever put you in an unsafe or uncomfortable situation? 

Star: All the time. 

Mrs. Tetslaff: Then you should be used to it by now.

###

Jazz: We'll talk about this later. 

Danny: Fine, I won’t be listening.

###

Sam: I am Sam, I speak for the trees. Chop them down and I snap your knees.

###

Danny, after the third fight of the week (it's monday): I am not an early bird or a night owl. I am some form of permanently exhausted pigeon.

###

Kwan, to Star: You're my significant other. 

Star: Yeah I am! 

Kwan, at Tiffanie: You're my child. 

Tiffanie: Yes boss. 

Kwan, at Dash: You're my bitch. 

Dash: Yeah I am- wait, what? 

Kwan, at Paulina: My bestie. 

Paulina: Naturally. 

Kwan to Danny: HA, GAY! 

Danny: Fuck you.

###

Wes: Do you always have to attack me with your words? 

Tiffanie: Would you prefer me to use a brick?

###

Paulina: *speaking Spanish* 

Danny: I know, I know. 

Tiffanie: You speak Spanish? 

Danny: No. I just know the phrase, 'this is all your fault' in every language Paulina speaks.

###

Wes: Please bring home PURIFIED water with NO minerals added for taste. NONE. 

Kyle: I got spring water. 

Wes: NO! 

Kyle: With EXTRA minerals! 

Kyle: It’s like licking a stalagmite! 

Wes: DON’T COME HOME! 

Kyle: Mmmmmm, cave water.

###

Nathan: At first I thought you were foolish and incompetent. 

Danny: My apologies for whatever misstep I may have taken to dispel that impression. It was an honest mistake, I swear.

###

Sam: Ok, first of all, what the fuck?

###

*Playing Chess* 

Jazz: *easily beats everyone because they know how to play* 

Valerie: *doesn’t know the rules, but wins anyway* 

Tucker: *doesn’t know the rules, and loses* 

Kwan: *knows the rules, but still loses to those who don’t* 

Sam: Actually, you can’t do that, because I said so. 

Danny: *Eats the pieces*

###

Dash: Paulina likes to win. When they were 8, a little Club Scout friend of theirs bragged they could sell the most cookies. 

Dash: Damned if Paulina didn't walk the neighborhood till they got blisters on their feet, and won by 10 boxes. 

Dash: Best part is, Paulina wasn't even a Club Scout.

###

Kwan, after asking the squad how to get rust off of a blade: Thank you good people oddly versed in knives.

###

Kwan: Uhh.. Sam just asked if we want to… 

Kwan: “Fell the mighty before their time and display their carcasses in our homes?” 

Danny, not even looking up from their phone: They’re asking if you wanna cut down Christmas Trees. 

Kwan: Oh, that makes more sense.

###

Jazz: What’s the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite? 

Tiffanie: “Stalagmite” has an “m” in it.

###

Tucker: What if people had food names and food had people names? 

Danny: Hey, spaghetti, we’re having Tucker for dinner. 

Jazz: What is wrong with you people? 

Sam: Shut up, chocolate.

###

Danny: Christmas is cancelled. 

Star: You can't cancel a holiday. 

Danny: Keep it up, Star, and you'll lose New Year's too. 

Star: What does that mean? 

Danny: Kyle, take New Year's away from Star.

###

Tucker: *watching their house burn down* 

Tucker: 

Tucker: *starts filming* Waddup, guys, welcome to my vlog, today's topic: how to get away with accidentally committing arson because you forgot Spaghetti O's cans are metal and thus non-microwavable! Step one: deny everything.

###

Star: A decision had to be made. 

Paulina: And you fucked it up!

###

Danny: Would it be discrimination to only hire employees at my doughnut shop who have the same name? 

Nathan: Legally, I don't believe that breaches any discrimination laws. Morally though... I don't know. 

Danny: I believe god is on my side when it comes to Duncans' Doughnuts.

###

Jazz: *venting endlessly to Danny about their week* 

Danny, every once in a while: *in a monotone* Wow, that is so wild.

###

Dash: Let's bury the hatchet, Tiffanie. 

Tiffanie: I won't be burying any hatchet unless I get a clear shot at your groin!

###

Danny: Which one of you was going to tell me that tea tastes different if you put it in hot water?? 

Tucker: Y- you were putting it in cold water?? 

Valerie: Danny. Answer the question Danny. 

Danny: Yeah??? I thought people just put it in hot water to speed up the tea-ification process. didn't realize there was an actual reason. 

Danny: Plus you think I have the patience to boil water? 

Tucker: You don't have the patience to microwave water for 3 minutes?? 

Valerie: Why are you putting it in the microwave to boil it? 

Tucker: Do you think I have the patience to boil water on the stove? 

Valerie: It takes less than a minute. 

Tucker: Is your stovetop powered by the fucking sun??? 

Valerie: How long does it take you to boil a cup of water on the stove? 

Tucker: Like seven minutes?? 

Paulina: Just stick the mug on top of the stove on medium heat and it boils in like 2 minutes... less than that if you use a saucepan! 

Valerie: Why are you putting the whole mug on the stove?? On medium heat?? Paulina? Your stove is enchanted! 

Wes: Every single person here is a fucking lunatic. 

Sam: Do none of you own a fucking kettle?!

###

Valerie: For self defense reasons, I'm going to pretend to be a burglar and you guys have to act wisely. 

Tucker, Sam, & Danny: Okay. 

Valerie: If you don't want to die, give me all your money. 

Tucker: Bold of you to assume I have money. 

Sam, playing up the goth bit: Bold of you to assume I don't want to die. 

Danny: Bold of you to assume I can die.

###

Sam: Dear Diary, my teen angst bullshit has a body count.

###

Mr. Lancer: Silence is golden. 

Danny: Duct tape is silver.

###

Kwan: Dash... 

Dash: I can tell by the tone of your voice that you are disappointed. Alas, I must further disappoint you by affirming how little I give a fuck.

###

Kwan: I did it! I memorized everything in the book! I'm gonna ace this test! 

Tucker: Ok, Kwan, I'll give you one more question before you go. What ended in 1918? 

Kwan: 1917. 

Tucker: ...You're ready.

###

Wes: You’re alive. 

Danny: No need to sound so disappointed.

###

Star: Today, Kwan took my phone, and in five minutes, they sent high resolution close-up photos of Paulina to the following people: Sam, Tiffanie, Jazz, the neighbors, the bank, my accountant, San Diego Blood Bank, and Shake Shack's text bot.

###

Sam, setting down a card: Ace of spades. 

Tucker, pulling out an Uno card: +4. 

Danny, pulling out a Pokémon card: Jolteon, I choose you! 

Jazz, trembling: What are we playing?!

###

Tiffanie: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes. 

Nathan: Wow, I've gotta hear this. 

Tiffanie: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn't share. 

Nathan: You forgot pride. 

Tiffanie: No, I'm pretty proud of this.

###

Star: Why would you give a knife to Kyle?! 

Kwan, shrugging: Kyle felt unsafe. 

Star: Now I feel unsafe! 

Kwan: I’m sorry… 

Kwan: Would you like a knife?

###

Valerie: *Stands in trash can.* 

Danny: Valerie, not again! You're not trash, you're at least recycling!

###

Nathan: When do you usually go to sleep? 

Danny: Whenever I collapse is entirely up to the gods.

###

Jazz: Oh, they left the bowl out? 

Jazz: It says, “Take two pieces of candy.” 

Danny: Nobody around though… 

*Danny grabs the entire bowl and runs off with it* 

Jazz: NO—

###

Tucker: Is this a good idea? 

Tucker: Probably not. 

Tucker: Do I care? 

Tucker: No.

###

Jazz: Want to hear a hard riddle? 

Nathan: Sure. 

Jazz: A rooster laid an egg on a roof. Which way did it roll? 

Nathan: ...down? 

Jazz: N- 

Tiffanie: Who cares about which way it rolled, it would be scrambled eggs by then. 

Jazz: 

Jazz: No, it's that roosters don't lay eggs... Jesus Christ...

Danny, walking by: No, I don't think he laid eggs either.

###

Mr. Lancer: We are not mad. We are just disappointed. 

Mrs. Tetslaff: No, we are mad. 

Mr. Lancer: Yes. We are. We are livid. But we are going to let this one slide. 

Mrs. Tetslaff: No, we’re not! 

Mr. Lancer: I am not a mind reader, Mrs. Tetslaff!

###

Jazz: I think it’s time I get my life in order. 

Danny, narrating: But they did not get their life in order. In fact, they got drunk last night and fought a raccoon.

###

Paulina: God has let me live another day and I'm going to make it everyone's problem.

###

Sam: Danny, are you drinking… drinking hydrogen peroxide?! 

Danny: It says H2O2! That means it’s the sequel to water!

###

Nathan: So... what would you do if you were in bed with me? 

Valerie: Depends. Is your bed comfortable? 

Nathan: Yes. 

Valerie: I'd sleep.

###

Danny: Don’t worry, I know exactly what I’m doing. Everything is going to be fine! 

Nathan: How can you still say that? 

Danny: Because sometimes, when things get tough, denial is all we have.

###

*Danny is helping Sam break out of prison* 

Danny: Sooo… Does this make us partners in crime? 

Sam: Don’t push it. 

Danny: Oh my gosh, we can be like Harley Quinn and the Joker! 

Sam: If you don’t stop talking, they’re adding “murder” to the charges.

###

Paulina: I’m doing my best. 

Tiffanie: You’re not doing anything. 

Paulina: Yes, that’s what I’m best at.