Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

The room was nothing special, it was tiny, nearly the same size as my room back in Forks. The carpet was brown, it smelled faintly of weed and Clorox, and had the suspicion that it hadn’t always been brown. The walls were painted light green but were chipping in places, the door stuck a little every time I tried to open it, and one of the windows wouldn’t close all the way so that the wind would whistle through. But all those things were insignificant because it was mine, at least for the next two semesters or as long as Angela let me sublet.

My mind was becoming crowded with the possibilities of what colors I could repaint it, or find something interesting end table at the thrift store. However, once I had assembled my bedframe, dragged my mattress on top, and placed my broken childhood dresser in the only plausible corner of the room next to the desk which was too heavy to move by myself (maybe that’s why the previous occupant had left it there), I found there was very little room for anything else.

With the remaining daylight, I went into the living room to ask Mike for his screw gun from his new tool kit so I could fix a wobbly leg on the desk. I found him lying face down on the floor, completely defeated by the half-assembled monstrosity of a purple couch.

Jess, who was leaning against it slick with sweat surrounded by the suspiciously flat boxes it had come in. “It was a different color on the picture” She insisted.
“I believe you,” I said, trying to stifle my laughter. “Can I use the screw gun?”

Mike said something, but it was so muffled by the floor his face was smashed into I couldn’t understand him

I just took it and went back into my room to fix the desk. My energy waned as I wrestled with the leg, eventually, calling it good enough, and fell back onto my sheetless mattress. I wondered how on earth I would peel myself from the same place in the morning and attend my first day of class.

Soon enough Jessica barged into my room, she had a habit of not knocking before entering anything with a door, including the bathroom when I was having a shower. I tried not to hold it against her, growing up with 10 siblings probably messed her up in ways that I would never understand as an only child. She came and lay on the mattress with me for a moment. Her hair was sleek with sweat and pulled into a tight bun right on top of her head, she wore an expression of absolute exhaustion. “You want to take a shot?”

“Yeah.” I smiled and followed her to the kitchen. It turned out to be a bit more than one shot, and the night ended with me, Anglea, and Jessica drunkenly falling asleep on the newly assembled ‘barney hide couch’ (our new endearing name for it) while watching The Craft.

It hit me as I was closing my eyes at how easy it had been. Having friends had never been easy before. When I was younger I had been so obsessed with what others thought of me, I had this bad habit of thinking I was annoying everyone around me by talking too much or not enough, or even if they did like me they didn’t want to be seen with me in public but didn’t want to be mean about it. I remembered that sometimes the thought that I was fundamentally unlikeble consumed me. But after I went to college, that feeling faded into nothing. It felt like an intangible childhood memory, as unreal as the apartment my mom and I lived in for those few months in fourth grade. Thinking of it almost made me laugh.

It was difficult to say when those childhood fears began to fade. It was certainly the first semester of freshman year. My roommates were fine, but not people that I grew very close to, so I had put an end to the hopes of making real, good friends. But, thankfully Jessica lived across the hall, and Angela two doors down. Angela and I were in the same Bio class and she was the only one I recognized so we naturally gravitated towards each other for group projects and discussions. Mike and I were paired to do a project for our European History class and Jessica would come and study at the same table as us while we worked. Thank God Mike and Jessica survived passed fall semester, every single couple who got together right away after school started had broken up before winter break.

The night passed quickly but unrestfully as it always did when I drank. Jessica and I both had 8am classes which was ironic because we were notoriously night owls, whereas Angela was routinely up at 6 but didn’t have classes until 11. The morning brought a flurry of shoving textbooks into bags, agonizing over outfits, and straightening hair. I knew myself well enough to not look in the mirror for too long while getting ready or I would begin to pick apart my appearance. I had spent too many mornings endlessly trying things on to make my body look right, but of course, it never did, even when I had been at my thinnest. So I had basically given up on caring about what I looked like or what strangers thought of me. I wore a long black floral maxi skirt with my all-time favorite shirt which I had since high school and somehow was riddled with holes and rips, and somehow wasn’t tainted with the memories I had from that time. It was a dark green shirt with a Frog and Toad illustration on it, Frog and Toad was still my favorite series of all time. It was technically still summer, but even then, the mornings generally hovered around 40 degrees so I added a knit sweater over top and of course my doc martens, which I tried to never go anywhere without.

It wasn’t until Jess and I were on the bus that the fog of my semi-hangover state really began to wear off. Jess was nursing her to-go cup of coffee, she had drank a bit more than I had so I was sure the jostling of the bus wasn’t making her feel very good. Though she did look amazing as always. That morning she sported a pair of light-wash low-waisted jeans and a pink crop top under her cardigan. I tried not to envy her, but I had spent enough time with her to know that her big blue eyes and tiny frame made people treat her differently than they treated me. I was hard not to compare us and think, what if I started today? In a year I could be a hundred pounds lighter. What if I could keep it off too? What if I woke up tomorrow and was a size medium? What if I never had been overweight? It certainly would have saved me some grief as a teenager, and Charlie a couple of thousand dollars on an eating disorder therapist who in the end wasn’t actually very helpful. I stared at my rounded stomach which showed through my skirt, I sucked it in. Even though I should be confident and that my worth was more than my dress size, I still kept sucking in.

The bus stopped in front of the lawn on campus, the quintessential mowed green space for people to sit and read or throw a frisbee. I was pretty sure the same one was featured on the brochure they had sent in my acceptance letter, except that one featured a perfect blue sky. The reality was starkly different, though, it wouldn’t be Washington state without the constant company of clouds, threatening some precipitation. I bid Jess good luck with a hug and we parted ways, her heading toward the science building and me towards Humanities on the other side of campus.

I wiped my sweat-slicked hands on my skirt as I entered the building, I knew I was a good student so even if I didn’t feel confident about my body at the moment, I could feel confident about my schoolwork. The humanities building was certainly my comfort zone, right as you walked in before getting to the classrooms there was a huge lounge area filled with nice comfortable leather couches, a few tables, and shelves of old books lining the walls. I heard a story that a retired professor had died and his wife donated his book collection to the school. It smelled heavenly, it was the perfect place to waste an afternoon reading when you should be writing a paper. And of course, the library was right next door, so if anything disastrous happened I could just escape into the stacks. Though I was excited for that particular class.

Professor Giannis was one of my favorites in the English department. She was the epitome of an eccentric middle-aged woman, effortlessly cool in a sort of academic way, she perpetually smelled like lavender and old paper and only wore black jumpsuits permeated with a thin layer of cat hair, overtop she wore a rotating cast of interestingly patterned cardigans. I expected nothing less than to be the first to arrive, even before her. If my previous classes with her were any indication she would most likely be a few minutes late.

I located room, 29B on the second floor, assumed one of the 6 seats arranged in a circle, and began setting out my things. I took out a notebook and pencil, and the first book of the assigned reading list for our class which was titled “Happily Ever After: A Literary Examination of the Modern Romance Novel”. My copy of Pride and Prejudice perched on the edge of my desk, the edges of the yellowed pages had been smoothed so that they shined under the overhead LED lights. The corners of the cardboard cover were frayed and wispy, the binding had come apart multiple times which I dutifully taped and re-taped together. I only took half credit for its disrepair, its age was the other culprit. I opened the inside cover and scanned my eyes over the note Grandma Swan had left for me.

“My dearest Bella, this was my favorite book when I was your age, in fact, this was my exact copy! You’ll absolutely adore Lizzie, I used to want to be just like her, but I find myself becoming
more and more like Mrs. Bennet by the minute. Read it well. Happy 13th birthday, my love.
Always yours,
Grandma”

I ran my fingers over the note, as I had so many times before. I could almost hear her whispering “Read it well” into my ear.

Suddenly the door flung open with a bang, slamming into the drywall with a smack. I jumped in my seat, my head snapping toward the origin of the sound. I never expected that my eyes would land on the single most beautiful person I could have conjured up in my imagination. It was as though he was plucked straight from the page of steamy romance book moms read on airplanes. He was an adonis, a Michealangelan rendering of the human form, tall and muscular which was noticeable even under a few layers of clothing, he made jeans and a corduroy jacket look as though they should be on the runway of Paris fashion week. His face was angular with features edging on severe, a defined jaw-line, thick dark brows, with wavy hair in the same color. His face was incredibly symmetrical, there didn’t seem to be so much as a freckle on his smooth skin, which…if I was not mistaken was so radiant that it practically glowed, softly in a sort of imperceptible way.

His eyes met mine, they were golden, like a cat’s, and reminded me of a gemstone, shifting ever so slightly in the light as he settled in his seat. His stare was intense, as though he could see directly through my pupils into the back of my eyes straight through to my brain. If he could read my thoughts I was toast. I looked away realizing I had been captivated and had been staring for far too long, but as soon as I did I felt what I had seen was some sort of trick of the light, that he couldn’t really look like that. It was impossible. “Alien” was the word my mind kept returning to. His beauty, the way he held my attention was unlike anything I knew was possible. The strangest feeling pierced my stomach telling my brain to run as far and as fast as I possibly could away…away from what though?

“Sorry.” He muttered under his breath. I was unsure what to say in response.

I tried to process my disbelief by staring down at my hands resting on my lap as I nervously picked a hanging piece of skin from my cuticle. It was a leftover habit from childhood that my mother had desperately tried to correct, it still seemed to come out in moments when my heart raced and my face felt hot and my knees went weak and it felt like I couldn’t breathe properly. I stole a minute glance in his direction, which confirmed again that he was soul-destroyingly stunning. I kept returning to his eyes in my mind too afraid to steal another look, mysterious and severe, trying to wrap my head around the color. I wanted to get close to him, and examine them with a magnifying glass.

I was still too afraid to look at him so I couldn’t confirm it, but I felt his eyes on my skin, it made my skin itch. I hoped for someone I knew to walk through the door, someone I knew, maybe Grace Mathers or Julian Chung both were a delight to work with in a small group and I had known them since freshman year. I looked down again at my hands and exhaled realizing I had been holding my breath.

Professor Giannis entered a second later with her hands full of books, a mug of steaming coffee, and her laptop. She seemed much too unphased by his presence, or maybe I was just easily infatuated. She placed her things down in a pile on the desk and came up to greet us with a smile. “Looks like everyone’s here.”

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

Edward POV:
{Damn Bella looks nervous today, she's so bright, she has no reason to be nervous.}

{… … …}

“Looks like everyone is here. While this is an abnormally small class, I am just as eager to discuss these texts with you, they are some personal favorites and I hope you will like them.” {I had to fight admin for this damn class and only two people sign up!?}

{… … … …}

“You can read through the syllabus online if you would like, I’ve linked it on our classroom page instead of printing it out, save a bit of a tree huh?” {That P+P copy of hers looks well-loved.}

{… … … … …}

It was impossible, wasn’t it? At least I previously had thought so. I looked down at what I had written on the page, I had scribbled each foreign thought that popped into my head onto the page in tiny cursive writing. It was a habitual habit, writing down the thoughts of others wherever I could find space, often it was the back of my hand with my pointer finger, to separate my own thoughts from those of others. I strained to hear her inner thoughts, she could’ve easily had an unusually quiet mind, drowned out by the stream of consciousness of Professor Giannis. My fountain pen flew across the page almost automatically.

{Wow this lecturing thing never gets any easier does it?} "Pride and Prejudice is certainly a classic and one of the pioneers of the Romance genre especially from the female perspective which is one of the most contentious yet integral parts of the literature that defines the genre itself. " {A book written from the point of view of a woman was revolutionary for the time!}
There were moments in which her speech lined up perfectly with their thoughts and moments where they greatly diverged. I had made the observation that most people leaned toward one side or the other, either more often speaking their thoughts or more often concealing them, but Giannis seemed to be split exactly down the middle.

My thoughts returned to the girl, Bella. I put down my pen and did my best to tune into her. I glanced in her direction, hoping that could help. Her eyes struck me, big and glassy, a perfect chocolate brown the same color as her hair which cascaded in undefined ringlets down her back. They were concentrated, flashing down to her paper, up at Giannis, over to the clock above the door (I guessed.) The coloring of her face was endearing, completed with pink flushed cheeks that were a shade lighter than her full lips. My eyes danced down her face to her neck which she held at an angle, cocking her head slightly to the side in a nonchalant, effortlessly elegant way. She was alluringly curvaceous which was borderline distracting, the topography of her body was a work of art made entirely with smooth, soft lines. I pulled my eyes away, any further examination of her body in that way was verging on overstepping. Oh, but how my fingers would feel against the soft flesh of her hand, how warm would she feel?… her scent…

“Edward?” Professor Giannis broke my train of thought, thankfully, before my thoughts could get too out of hand.

“Yes?” I asked, covering my scribbles with my hands, the “habit” was more of a compulsion that had disastrous potential if discovered by the wrong party.

“I just asked if either of you had read the source material before?” She raised an eyebrow. She had already guessed my answer of course, Carlisle and Esme had become rather good friends with her and her wife over the summer since moving back to Forks, and acting as their nephew I had met her on a few occasions. She was certainly singular, with an inclination towards the eccentric and a certain habit of spelling difficult words in her head. She often remembered being a child and watching the national spelling bee on TV with her grandparents after school. Words like “superfluous,” “synecdoche,” and “onomatopoeia” were among her favorites.

“Yes, I have.” I had read it a few times over the years, though I was much more interested in Carlisle’s memory of it appearing on the Yorkshire books scene, where he was living in the early 19th century. His patients at the time were very fond of it and talked of almost nothing else, so he read to relate to them and found that he enjoyed it and proceeded to devour every other book that she had ever written.

“And what did you think of it?” she inquired, wondering if I had good taste like Esme whom she adored and took advice from in all senses, interior design, fashion, literature, politics.

“I loved it. Jane Austen is certainly one of the best writers of the period. Though I found the ending too optimistic.”

“Elaborate.” Giannis was generally unapologetic in her demands. {Let’s see if he’s like his aunt.}

“The entire book is filled with the trappings of everyday life for Elizabeth and her sisters, a realistic view of what it meant to be a woman during that time, and then she has this fantastical fairytale ending where she marries the man of her dreams as though that was reality for most women, but it was not.”

“Isn’t that the purpose of a romance novel...” A small voice interjected. It was a question, but she had certainty in her cadence. I looked over at her and nearly melted at the sight of her earnest mahogany eyes. “It's escapism, women of similar circumstances to Elizabeth and Jane read Pride and Prejudice because they want to live their happily ever after even if they could never have that reality.” She was undeniably convincing in her interpretation. And I was undeniably becoming wrapped around her finger.

{………………}

My pen tapped repeatedly on the page, nothing, absolute silence from her mind.

For the remaining time of the hour-long class, I found myself lingering on her every word. The way her lips formed to make sounds that turned into beautiful phrases, authentic and also articulate. She didn’t use big words unnecessarily as many college students did to sound more intelligent, but when she did it was in the pursuit of exact description. She was original in her thought (while I simply just regurgitated the few academic articles I had come across in my time), criticizing the characterization of Mr. and Mrs. Bennet, bringing into question if Jane was as perfect as Lizzie made her out to be.

By the end of the first quarter of the hour, I had given up on trying to eke out any morsel of thought from her mind. She confounded me. She was a shield wasn’t she?

{Oh shit, 6 minutes over, these kids are good!} Giannis thought, glancing at the clock above the door.

“I believe this is going to be a very good semester indeed. Thank you, you two, I’ll see you on Wednesday.” She left quickly, dreading the 100-level Intro to English Literature class admin had required her to teach, in years passed she had gotten a TA to teach the class.

I looked at Bella, she was quickly stuffing her belongings into her bag. As a reflex, I tried to read her mind, but quickly stopped knowing that it would not be fruitful. Other than the hum of voices and thoughts encroaching into the classroom from the hallway, it was the first time in my immortal life I had been in a room with another person and my mind had only been filled with my own thoughts. I had never met a shield, and I suppose naively I didn’t even really believed they existed, in fact, everything I had read on the subject alluded to shields only being vampires, and she was undoubtedly human.

I had to guess she was late for something by how frantic she seemed. If I had it my way, I would want to make conversation with her for as long as she would allow me. I desperately wanted to get closer to her and indulge in the privilege of spending time with her, but I decided against initiating anything. I knew the kind of effect I could have on people. Her heart was already slamming against her chest at a rate that was concerning. I stayed firmly in my seat, keeping my movements slow and deliberate to not scare her any more than I already had.

Then I panicked. When would I have this opportunity again? She could’ve easily been so terrified that she would’ve dropped the class and done everything in her power to avoid me. I questioned if this was my only chance to speak to someone whose mind I didn’t invade. Even the people I called family resented me slightly, they would never admit it, even to themselves. I knew their deepest, most secret thoughts which made them naturally uneasy. I couldn’t blame them though, if I were in their position I would feel the same way. Personally, my “gift,” the constant buzz of thoughts that my own consciousness had to contend with for space in my head, was at best times nuisance. At worst, it consumed me and I ceased to exist.

Beyond her silent mind, there was more to her. She was quietly alluring and deeply intelligent and she was beautiful, of course. As a rule I didn’t speak to humans more than necessary, I had always assumed that was because I didn’t want to accidentally expose myself to them. If I had relationships with humans like Alice with her friends and Calrisle with his patients, I could accidentally let something slip and reveal that I was reading their mind. But with her, I could…I needed to speak to her. She started towards the door and I opened my mouth in protest, not wanting her to leave.
“I um-” She stopped halfway out the door and turned towards me with a confused look, I was struck by her radiance, how casually it shined through with her hair swept over her shoulder, slightly frazzled looking. “I thought you…you are very interesting. By that I mean, your thoughts…on the book are very original.”

It was easy to be confident when I knew people’s thoughts, they were fleeting, inconsequential, and most importantly uncontrollable. There was no use in trying to persuade people to think of me in a certain way. But with her I couldn’t know. All I knew was that I wanted her to like me. Suddenly I was faced with the thoughts I had only previously been witness to in the minds of others. I thought there must have been something I could say or something I could do to make her like me.

It dawned on me that no matter how long I lived, at my core I was still just a young man tripping over his words in the presence of a pretty girl. I felt human, oddly enough, I hadn’t felt like that in some time. It made my chest tight.

“Um, thank you.” She looked even more confused, tucking a piece of hair behind her ear, and left the room quickly and without another word.

I held my face in my hands for a moment, feeling a wave of embarrassment, certain that I had scared her off for good.

{Edward, what happened?}

Alice. Her thoughts were loud and I knew them well, I could pick them out in a crowded room 2 miles away, we had tested. She was approaching the room, flashing the slideshow of images that came to her just moments ago. It was our theory that decisions were the catalyst for her visions, especially decisions out of the ordinary. My poor attempt at a conversation with Bella was unlike me. I normally spent my time trying to make as few connections as possible, friends were a fantasy.
She entered the room with a slam of the door. “What did you do?

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

I sat at a table, one of the ones in the middle of the stacks which were secluded and perfect for a minor breakdown. “I thought you…you are very interesting.” That is what he had said. It sent shivers down my spine just remembering. He had looked sincere unless I was completely misreading the situation, which I had done before. I usually assumed any attractive man who showed any sort of interest in me was actually joking for his own amusement or a serial killer. Either way, I tried to avoid those situations as much as possible. I should have banished him from taking up any mental space as soon as that compliment came out of his mouth.

But I had no self-control and had already frantically typed his name into every social media app I could think of, he had an untraceable internet presence, at least one that was accessible to me. I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, I considered ignoring it for a moment, but I took it out. "Mom." I audibly groaned, the last thing I needed at that moment was some diet advice from her, which was the only reason she ever called me.

“Hi Mom, I’m in the library. Could I-”

“Darling it’ll just be a minute.” She said firmly. I obliged, knowing that it was better to let her talk than to try to stop her. “My friend Janet, she’s the instructor of my pilates class, she was telling me that peppermint oil was good for passive weight loss. After she had her daughter she would rub it on the backs of her ears and she lost the baby weight without doing anything else. Crazy isn’t it? I just thought that you might want to try it out.”

I clenched my teeth together, doing my best to hold my tongue. I took a breath to hopefully let her “advice” just roll off my shoulders. I knew she meant well.

“Sure, maybe I’ll try it.” I lied, half-heartedly.

“I’ve been doing this fasting thing, I break my fast at around 3 or 4 pm starting with protein and then moving onto carbohydrates. It's really working Bella, I’ve lost almost 3 pounds. I know the dieting thing isn’t- well it’s… you know what I mean. But if I’m being honest that was the only time you found any success in losing weight, I mean you can keep it in check now that you’re older right?”

Another deep breath. I didn’t blame her. She always told me how awful her mother was to her. Thank God I had never met the woman, I don’t think I would be able to take her criticism of my body.

She would have a field day. “I guess.”

“Good, I’ll email you the meal plan, and the workout routine. Diet and exercise together are the key. Oh, I’m so excited, you’re coming home for Christmas right?”

“Yeah. I think so.” I was already dreading it.

“Good, maybe you’ll have lost a bit by then. I’m so excited for you darling, starting is the hardest part.”

“Okay, bye Mom.” I hung up before she could say anything else.

As a woman, I could forgive her for being a product of her environment. Having a borderline abusive mother and growing up in the 80s royally messed her up. But as a daughter, I didn’t know if I could forgive my mother. The best our relationship had ever been was when I was 16 and was only eating 600 calories per day, it was a constant shower of compliments on how good I looked. I knew she loved me, but when I was a kid I had the sinking realization that she only liked me when I wasn't eating enough.

But, I had realized over the years I needed to meet her where she was at. I just needed to control myself because she was never going to change. She would probably be thin until she died. Maybe I could lie to her and tell her I had lost 20 pounds and just wear spanks or something, maybe it would real in the passive-aggressive remarks and the pinching of the fat on my arms and the insistence on me joining her awful workout classes. Maybe I should actually try and lose weight again. It didn’t seem to matter what I did, it was always a struggle to put every bite of food in my mouth, but sometimes it felt like a struggle to stop. Why couldn’t I just eat normally? I ate the same thing every day at the cafeteria, a cobb salad and an unsweetened ice tea. As a rule I never at breakfast unless I was at home with Charlie or going out with Mike, Jess, and Ang. But my dinners were always so chaotic, sometimes I didn’t eat anything because everything felt like it had too many calories. Sometimes I would only eat one thing for months and months, like bagels and cream cheese or ham and mushroom omelets. Sometimes I got home from school and felt like I couldn’t stop eating.

20 pounds. I could do 20 pounds.

And maybe, in another universe,e if I kept going, Edward calling me interesting wouldn’t be a joke and maybe I could allow myself to have a crush on him without it being completely out of the realm of possibility. Maybe in another universe where I was a hundred pounds lighter, I could really get to know the strange guy who made my heart race and my cheeks flush. Even still, probably not.

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September 3rd
Cafeteria cobb salad ~ 480 calories
Iced tea ~ 0 calories

I scribbled the list into my journal on a fresh new page. I felt a pang of guilt as I looked at the page, knowing calorie counting was probably not the best approach, it had gotten out of hand last time. But maybe this was just my reality, that in order to be normal, not super skinny 90 pounds or anything, but just a normal weight I needed to eat less than other people. My body was just different, and my mind of course was different.

I drew the line at a Francesca Walsh workout video, mostly because that seemed far too close to being exactly what I did when it was really bad. Plus her workouts were always killer and I was already exhausted.

I decided on a hike instead. I was intimately familiar with the trails surrounding campus. That first semester of freshman year I had spent a significant portion of every day after classes on the trails. I found a few good spots, there was a nice white pine with a low-hanging branch halfway up one of the bluffs on the north side of campus which overlooked the river. It was a good place for people watching as the river was a popular spot for fly fishing, or just to sit and read a book. There was also “the apartments,” my affectionate nickname for one of my favorite places on the South Trail. It was a crazy rock formation, which I guessed was volcanic. The trail twisted down the steep side of it, and upon closer inspection, it revealed a treasure trove of tiny horizontal pockets, almost like miniature caves where snails and lizards and frogs and pill bugs inhabited like tiny units with moss carpets and spider web chandeliers. I had spent many hours just examining each tenancy.

As soon as I was out of my building I headed in the direction on the south trail. I was far from the luxury of letting my mind go blank during these hikes, as it often did. I thought Edward, that guy from class. He was unendingly beautiful, strange and quiet, but I had the feeling there was something more going on with him. I wanted to peel back his many layers. Thinking of him made my face go red and my heart rate spiked, it was nothing compared to what it was when I had been in the same room with him. It was stupid though, it wasn’t even a remote possibility that we would be anything more than classmates. Maybe he didn’t even want to be my classmate. I had been in countless classes where people who I was partnered to do work with or discuss something wanted absolutely nothing to do with me even though I didn’t even know them. It was hard to know that someone treated you like they didn’t exist just because they didn’t find you attractive. I attempted several tactics to rid him of my thoughts, humming, and counting ferns and white pines, but he stuck around. I intended to keep my distance from him, in fear of getting attached to him. I passed the blackberry patch which had been long stripped of its fruits by the woodland creatures. The spiny vines were browning at the tips, fall was just around the corner.

Then strangely, goosebumps prickled the back of my neck. My stomach twisted into a knot, and my heart pounded as the adrenaline entered my veins. It was the same feeling as I had when…that…that was crazy.

I didn’t try to make sense of it and kept walking, writing it off as just a fluke, but the goosebumps remained. I could feel my limbs trembling through my joints as I picked up speed. The feeling was like when you’re a kid and you know there isn’t a monster under your bed, but you still check every night before you fall asleep.

I kept hurrying, as fast as I could without bursting into a full-blown run. Bears were rare this far south, but not unheard of, in fact, they were much more common around Forks and I had never had an encounter. Wolves too, I had seen one once, at the La Push beach, it was huge. But I knew, even if I couldn’t admit it to myself at the moment, that it was neither of those things if it was anything at all. I got to the most treacherous sections of the trail and slowed down from a power walk to a purposeful stride.

Then I heard a rustle of the trees above me, my head snapped up looking for the source of the sound. I didn’t see any bird or squirrel, the wind wasn’t blowing, just the shake of the branch of the pine tree which was settling now. I was frozen in my place, judging the size of the branch, it must have been something big, or that assumption was a vestige of my overactive imagination as a kid. I hoped for the latter.

I finally averted my eyes after a few seconds, concluding nothing was going to jump out and attack me. As I tried to move, my foot caught on something and I began to tumble backward towards the steep edge of the rock. I flailed with my hands trying to grab onto anything close to me, I managed to tangle my fingers into a nearby vine which I uprooted easily. I closed my eyes and braced myself for impact.

Then something caught my hand, stopping my fall and rapidly pulling me back to my feet. It was hard and cold, and if it wasn’t in the shape of my hand, curling around my form I would have never thought it was a hand. Another hand steadied me at my waist for a fraction of a second and was gone just in time for my eyes to fly open. I took a step in the opposite direction of the edge and fell to my knees, my heart threatening to give out. I was alive and relatively unscathed, save the cut on my palm from the vine which must have had thorns. I examined the streaks of blood, as a few drops pooled in my palm.

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“How was your first day?” Angela asked as she was clicking through Netflix, though we almost always ended up watching our tried and true, Survivor. I looked down at my hand, which I managed to bandage back together, but it wasn’t my wounds that I was thinking about. It was the stranger, whoever, whatever had saved me who kept returning to my mind. His freezing hand seemed to leave an invisible print, I could still almost feel the tingle of the contact our skin made. My brain told me that was impossible, that no one could have had skin that felt like that, not to mention appear to save me and disappear just as quickly, all before I could open my eyes. I told myself that it was the stress or adrenaline that was convincing me of something completely implausible. It had led me down a rabbit hole of research, from conspiracy theories of wild men in the Olympic wilderness to Native American folktales about shapeshifters and white demons called “the cold ones.” That part of the recording posted on the Quileute Tribe’s History page sent chills down my spine. When Angela came home with the click of the door, my soul nearly jumped out of my body.

I had come across legends before living in Forks, so close to the Res, but I had never really taken them seriously. Jacob used to say they were just scary stories like Bloody Mary or the Bogey Man, their purpose was to warn kids about potential dangers. “Don’t go out in the forest at night because a demon will kidnap you and suck all the blood out of your body.” It wasn’t rational for any of those creatures to exist outside of young children’s imagination. But I couldn’t quite convince myself of anything rational.

Beyond my spiraling mental state, how was I supposed to explain to Angela the strangest day I had ever had to date? I had nearly fallen off the side of a cliff but was saved by someone with ice-cold skin, but they were gone before I saw them. I had met the most physically attractive person I ever laid eyes on who also seemed to be well-read and a fan of Jane Austen. I only seemed to imagine him in bits, I didn’t think it was mentally possible for me to comprehend his beauty in its entirety. His hair went a little red at the tips where the light shone through, his skin which was olive toned but was luminous like the moon in mid-morning. His eyes of course were the thing I returned to most often. There was no way his eyes were that color naturally, they were golden, maybe he was jaundiced. Then I would have to explain to them that I had not even a shadow of a chance with him. My day was also awful because of the unexpected call from my mother. Maybe the day had been partially awful because I was hungry. “It was okay. How was yours?”

“Yeah pretty good, all History for me, lots of reading, but I’m thrilled to finally be taking the classes I actually like. Jess, how about you?” Ang asked, Jessica was rather quiet, she was the one who usually dictated the conversation, and Angela and I were always happy to oblige her.

“It was good, Mike was being kind of clingy. I mean I didn’t see him the whole summer cause his dad made him work construction with him. But-oh my god I saw this guy on the way to the caf, he was gorgeous, I’m sure he’s like an exchange student from Sweden or Germany or something because Americans just don’t look like that. He was kind of off-looking, to be honest, but also literally like a model. I wonder what he was doing here.”

My stomach dropped, her description perfectly matched Edward's. I battled myself for a moment, eventually deciding to be truthful, I mean it was Ang and Jess. “I think I know who you’re talking about, he was in my literature class.”

“Really?” She squeaked. “What’s his name?”

“Edward. He’s kinda weird.” I felt the blush coming to my cheeks. “And he’s definitely American.”

“Did you talk to him?”

“I mean a little, it's only the two of us in the class.”

“Seriously?” Jess seemed to be sucked into my recounting.

“Yeah, it's awkward, but he’s really smart I think, he said that he read Pride Prejudice before.” He was smart, and well-read, and didn’t let gender norms get in the way of him enjoying a seminal piece of literature, most men are turned off to romance books, even the ones written by Bronte and Austen. “He actually stopped me before I left, and told me that I was interesting. But I think it was joke.” I replayed the scene in my head. It couldn’t have been him being interested in me that way.

“Why would it be a joke?” Angela asked. “I mean you are interesting, you’re like the smartest person I know.”

"I don't know about that." I said reflexively.

*********************************************************************************

I closed my eyes, wrapped up in my bed, my wet hair sticking to my shoulders as I thought of him fleetingly, indulging my mind in imagining what it would be like to be held by him. The way his hands would feel against me, touching my cheek, my neck, down to my waist… I cringed at the thought of his genuine reaction, he would see my body and lean away in disgust, probably laugh at the thought of being with me. I wished he would lean in, lovingly caress the places that I disliked, where the fat rolled over unattractively making me misshapen, squeeze my thighs where they puckered with cellulite, kiss all of the places I didn’t like and love me for them. But that wasn’t going to happen.

Chapter Text

Edward POV:
The night had come hours ago, but I was still frozen. My skull was a tortuous echo chamber where my thoughts bounced around fading and returning in a cacophonous arhythmic symphony. To be near her was for her to be exposed to danger. But even at that moment, my chest ached for her presence. I was out of control, I had such a fascination with her that I had followed her. I wondered how long it would be before I sunk my teeth into her soft flesh. Had she known it was me? What would she think of me if she had known? I came so close to exposing myself which could implicate the entire coven, but I couldn’t let her slip through my fingers. She was already too important. I had felt soft warmth coming from her radiant skin, warming the palm of my hand for just a moment. Her scent was tantalizing, sweet, and subtle, and produced a painful ache at the back of my throat. I still wanted to be near her, I wanted to tell her everything, I wanted to find the strength to not be tempted by her blood. I looked down at my hand. Her blood, just a thin line of it, had long dried and was beginning to flake off from my palm. In a matter of moments, I went from a shadow that Esme occasionally worried about, that Rosalie was mildly annoyed by, and Alice enjoyed the company of, to a problem that needed to be solved. I was sure Alice was already telling Carlisle what she saw in her vision. No doubt Carlisle and Alice would do their best to handle me with tact and humanity, but I was a problem nonetheless. Normally I listened to Carlisle’s advice without question, if he told me that I should remove myself from the situation I would have. I would have if it were anyone else besides Bella. If it were anyone else I would have had the strength to not indulge my curiosity. But for this particular girl who evaded my “gift,” I didn’t know if I could stay away, even for her own safety. It was terrifying, the control that I had maintained for so long was beginning to slip out of my grasp. I started in the direction of the house, deciding it was best to face things head-on. ********************************************************************************* “He hasn’t done something like that...ever.” She was panicking, if she was a human she would have been shaking. {Not Edward too.} She thought fleetingly. “It was just a vision, they aren’t concrete, Edward will decide his fate for himself. I’m sure he will make the right decision.” Carlisle was confident that I could resist temptation, and even if I couldn’t he would understand. His thoughts were on the sickly sweet side of optimistic, I could understand Rosalie’s frustration with him, he was annoyingly good. {Alice has been through so much already.} Carlisle thought. He didn’t want her vision to be my fate either. {And it would break Esme’s heart.} “I hope that it’s just a vision.” She voiced the mantra she had been repeating to herself since the vision initially came to her. A second of silence seemed to reverberate through the living room, I could feel it even as I waited, undetected outside the front door. {I need to see it again.} Alice thought before clearing her mind, pulling out all of her tricks which normally helped sharpen an already existing vision, closing her eyes, pressing her feet into the floor, and relaxing her hands. Nothing, not even a flicker of static. The only thing she saw in her mind was the memory of the vision she had just hours before. It was fleeting, but it was visceral enough for her to remember the available details with a high degree of accuracy. It was me in the forest at night, looking down at my hands. They were covered in blood, my face had a dribble of the red liquid running down the side of my mouth and smeared around my lips. My eyes were the thing that made Alice truly concerned, they were crimson. It was human blood, she didn’t know it yet, but I had the sinking suspicion it was Bella’s blood. Nothing else could explain the vision, especially after I had spoken to Bella, it was unlike me to engage with humans at all more than necessary. But as the memory faded it was replaced by her memory of my face as soon as she walked into the classroom after she had her vision, before I ran away. My mouth was upturned into a covert smile. I remembered what she thought as she walked through the door. {Since when did he smile?} Carlisle’s heart broke for Alice. He placed a hand on her shoulder {Change is hard for us, and she’s been through a whole lot of change recently, and facing more.} “I miss Jas too.” He whispered. A familiar ache returned to her chest ache in her chest, in her mind she hadn’t named the feeling, but I knew it was emptiness. An emptiness that had plagued her in the weeks since Jas’s disappearance. {They don’t want to be found.} “This life is difficult to contend with, especially when we lapse. They need time to process and most importantly forgive themselves.” He thought of his lapses of judgment, the first time he was confronted with an injured human, it had only been a few months since he had started living closer to human society, a girl only a teenager had been attacked by a wild boar. He ran to her, certain he would not be able to control his thirst and drain the girl of her life, probably saving her from the agony of bleeding out. But when he set eyes on her, he found the strength to resist and disappeared, compartmentalizing the ache in his throat, ignoring it until he was halfway to Edinburgh. “Jas will return.” A million possibilities flickered in her mind, Jas hadn’t made up their mind yet on whether to return or not, whether to completely abandon our diet or to give themselves over to our true nature, whether or not they could face us again, whether or not they could face Alice again. “I forgive them ten-fold. There isn’t anything to forgive. It was an accident.” Alice said with watery eyes. As I watched her through Carlisle’s thoughts, I realized how young she truly looked, how young all of us were when we were turned. I paused momentarily, allowing Alice to calm down before ascending quickly to the living room where they had been discussing me. There wasn’t much privacy in a house full of vampires who could hear the sound of a cricket from a mile away, not to mention 3 of us had rather invasive “gifts.” Alice with her precognition, Jas with their mood control, and me. Semblance of privacy often was just as good as the real thing. “So what is your verdict?” I whispered, assuming my favorite corner of the common space, it would be barely audible to a human, but Alice and Carlisle could hear it perfectly fine. “Edward, only you can make decisions for yourself,” Carlisle said. “It would be so much easier if you made them for me,” I mumbled. Then I could hate someone other than myself when they went wrong, not that I could envision myself ever really hating Carlisle. {Cheeky.} Carlisle thought, smirking at my attempt at a joke. {Family meeting without me?} I heard Rosalie’s thoughts enter my mind, then her voice to my ear drums. “Maybe you should just stay away from humans for a while.” She appeared at the top of the stairs. “Avoid the situation all together.” Her thoughts were unreadable, she had gotten quite good at concealing them from me when she wanted to, most often by doing “busy work” in her mind. At that moment she was averaging the number of mountain lions she had hunted every year for the past 10 years. She was right, as soon as I had seen the vision I should have gone straight to the registrar and dropped out. I should have vowed to live as a recluse for a few months, maybe a few years just to be safe. {Don’t let her persuade you.} Carlisle directed at me. As a rule, he never tried to disagree with Rosalie out loud. It had taken decades for Carlisle to come to a place of peace about his decision to turn Rosalie, after all, at the time he didn’t fully comprehend the pull that a creator has on his progeny. Carlisle never met his creator. He knew that to her his actions were unforgivable and he agreed with her, he couldn’t forgive himself. But with Rosalie, her forgiveness wasn’t what he desired. He desired her to be happy in this immortal life. “Unless there is something you’re not telling us.” Rosalie continued. {I know you better than you give me credit. Plus, I am taking up a new hobby...tracking} I sifted through her memories as she recalled them. She had been challenging herself, the trails around the school were heavily trafficked by students, and she was attempting to differentiate between individuals' scents and tracking them separately. She was surprised to have come across mine and followed it, it didn’t take much of an imagination to fill in the gaps. Bella’s scent mixed with mine in the exact spot where she nearly fell to her death. The blood smeared on the twig of a nearby vine where she had cut her hand was the nail in the coffin. Rosalie didn’t know exactly what happened, but she knew that I was stupid enough to risk exposure. Normally a vampire would only be in such proximity to a human to feed on them. Rosalie had pinned me into a corner. Of course, I would have eventually come clean about Bella, but maybe I would have kept her my secret for a few days, so I would only have to bear my own disappointment in endangering her life. “I have something to tell you.” I took a breath. “There’s a human, her name is Bella.”

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

The next few weeks confirmed one thing. I was completely captivated by Bella. I thought about her nearly every moment I wasn’t filling endless pages with drawings, compositions, and thoughts of both my own and others. Often my thoughts were about her and came to the page in the form of sketches. I could never capture the entirety of her beauty no matter how many times I had tried. And I had tried. If I could dream they would all be about her. When the sun rose each day, I felt as though I had a purpose, to put together the puzzle of Bella Swan.

Not only did she have a silent mind, she seemed to be curiously absent from all of Alice’s visions. There were ones of me sitting at restaurants and movie theaters, even at the grocery store with a big smile on my face. There were more of the ominous ones as well, my hands dripping with blood. Bella was strategically absent from all of them, they focused entirely on me.

Beyond her abilities as a shield, I was completely wrapped around her finger. She was easy to admire. Of course, she was brilliant and witty and completely original in class, I gave up on anticipating what she was going to say, I was naive in the first place to even try. I did my best not to stalk her, though I happened to frequent the cafeteria, the library, and the coffee shop by the history building, the places I knew she would be most often. I didn’t always see her, but sometimes I did and I got a glimpse into who she was outside of class. She was kind, humble, and observant. Most of the time her kindness went unnoticed, but that didn’t seem to deter her. She thought very little of herself, often diminishing her intelligence and beauty, and always putting the needs and wants of others before her own. She was good, really good.

We exchanged pleasantries every morning in class, which I looked forward to every day. Her greetings always induced a smile on me, which initially felt strange on my face, but soon felt natural. She asked me regularly about my day, how I found the assignment or the chapter if I did anything interesting over the weekend. Even when talking about mundane things I couldn’t get enough of her. I even went so far as to “bump into” her on a few occasions and strike up a spontaneous conversation. I was grateful for the first time in my immortal life to be a vampire because without my immortality I never would have met her. She made me feel so human, alive, awake, and excited.

“Her name is Isabella, but she preferred to go by Bella. She is a junior majoring in English, minoring in bio. She grew up in Phoenix with her mother and got a scholarship to study at UW Olympia. In the summers between school she lives with her Dad in Forks, she works at a fish fry restaurant and during the semester she works for the English department offering essay help to freshmen. She likes the TV show Survivor. She wears a perfume that smells like a mix of vanilla and peach. She likes green and blue, they are the colors she wears the most often and her backpack is a deep evergreen. When her hair is down and she’s bored she braids the very ends, when it’s up she draws a star shape over and over on her knee. When she’s nervous she bites her lip, occasionally so hard I was worry she’ll injure herself. One of my favorite things about her is how often she blushes. It was one of the human qualities that I find endearing, especially on her.”

{He looks so…human.} Alice remarked. “It sounds like she was made in a lab for you.” She said, hanging upside down from a tree branch on the deer path were following. We had run up to southern Canada in pursuit of a grizzly, but he had evaded us so we opted for a small pack of deer.

I didn’t like her analogy as though her purpose was because of me. Her life was for her. It may have not been perfect, but it was uncomplicated at the moment. She hadn’t been in any more danger of being murdered by a vampire than anyone else. But by simply taking interest in her, I had put a target on her back. “How could it work? I mean she’s in danger every second that I’m near her.” Not to mention that she was probably off-put by my strange vampiric exterior, I could tell it made her heart race. Being more than what we were was highly contingent on the minuscule chance that she didn’t see me as a monster. Even then, once she figured out what I really was, it would all be over.

“Well, Esme was human when she and Carlisle met, correct me if I’m wrong but she was human when they got married as well.” {You just love to torture yourself.} Suddenly she caught the strong musky scent of deer blood and she was off in the direction it came from. I followed quickly behind her.

Maybe Alice was right, maybe in the remotest of possibilities, we could be something if she didn’t find my vampirism completely revolting, if she actually enjoyed my company, if I could control my thirst enough, maybe.

*********************************************************************************

22 days since the day we met I entered the usual room. She was sitting there, always early. Her hair was in one braid down her back, but a few strands which were not long enough to be contained, fell to the front framing her face. She wore a navy blue blouse which on anyone else would have been nothing special, but I was partial to that shade of blue on her. “Good morning,” She greeted.
“Good morning Bella, how are you today?” I asked, if I could blush I would have, but she made up for the both of us.

"I’m great.” She smiled, which made me melt a little. “Did you see the sunset yesterday?”

“I did,” I said trying to hold back a chuckle, she always surprised me. “It was glorious.”

“It was.” Then her phone began to vibrate in her bag. She fumbled for a moment trying to locate it, but eventually managed to answer. “Hello? Oh Hi! Yeah, he’s here. Oh okay, do you want us to discuss- okay. Alright, have a good day, bye.” She hung up her phone and looked over at me, her cheeks becoming even pinker.

“Is everything okay?” I had heard the entire conversation, but I was still keeping up the human facade.

She flashed a confused expression. “I think so, it was Professor Giannis. She said that class was canceled. She told me this was my get out of jail free card.” She giggled in the end which threatened to melt me again.

“Oh, okay.” We sat there for an awkward moment, just staring at each other. I could write books of poetry about her eyes, their shape, the length of her lashes, their exact shade of brown. She giggled again.

“I guess I’ll-” She began to fumble with her stuff, frantically packing it.

“Wait.” Maybe it could work, maybe Alice was right, maybe I didn’t care about the future, about what could or couldn't happen. Maybe I just wanted my hour with her which I had gotten accustomed to from 8:00-9:00 Monday, Wednesday, and Friday. “Would you maybe like to go on a walk with me?” I held my breath as I waited for her answer, trying to anticipate what she was going to say by her expression, the way she inhaled, and the way she held her hands, balled into fists at her sides.

“Yeah, I’d like that a lot.”

Bella POV:

My plan to keep my distance from Edward had failed completely. I was putty in his perfect hands. Anytime he spoke to me, my racing heart gave me no choice but to say the first thing that came to my head. Even if he had been joking that first day, I had really grown to enjoy his company. He was someone who watched, who noticed things that most other people didn’t. He listened intently, remembering things I had said in passing conversation. He had a few quirks, sometimes he would stare off into space and sort of zone out and he always had a pen in his hand as if he was about to write something. He was stunning of course which made me flustered and my face turned red and heat rose up to the surface of my skin.

I had to come to terms with the fact that Edward and I would be nothing more than friends, but it was difficult not to allow my imagination to run wild. Especially as I was trying to contain my excitement as we exited campus and headed toward one of the nearby trails. It didn’t mean anything, friends go on walks all the time. I didn’t know why I had said yes, maybe it was because I stepped on the scale in the morning and officially was down 9.3 pounds. It gave me some much-needed confidence. I felt our proximity, my skin prickled in the moments when our shoulders nearly touched or our hands nearly grazed. Occasionally I would catch him looking my way.

As we got a little further into the thicket I heard the familiar repetitive pattern of a beak repeatedly hitting the trunk of a tree in search of tasty insect morsels. “Do you hear that?”
He smiled.

“The woodpecker?” I couldn’t help but smile back.

“So you like nature then?”

“Yeah, I mean I was raised by a hippie and if Charlie had any choice in the matter we would’ve live on a fishing boat.” It was too easy to talk to him. He laughed.

“Did you like living in the desert?” He asked if it felt like he was inching closer and closer to me. I didn’t want him to stop, but it made me nervous, it had to have been all in my head.

“I did, a lot. I still do, but this is home now. I used to complain all the time when I first came to Forks, that it was too green.”

He chuckled. “I like the way you describe things.”

Edward seemed hellbent on taking my breath away. “Thanks. I want to hear about you too.” It always seemed like he was the one to ask me about myself, I knew so little about him.

He shrugged his shoulders. “Ask away.”

Edward was born in Chicago, but he grew up in Alaska with his Uncle and Aunt and his cousins. He played the piano and loved to write and read and draw and listen to music. And that was pretty much all he was fessing up to. I had a feeling there was a lot more, but I didn’t want to push it. So we kept walking, every so often I would find a flower or a plant or rock that I found interesting and take a moment to examine it. When Jess and Ang and I went on hikes, I could tell Jess just wanted to continue without interruption, but Edward indulged me and waited patiently as I crouched down, never rushing me.

Soon we felt droplets of rain hitting the tops of our heads, prompting us to turn back before it transformed into a downpour. I wasn’t surprised, though if I had it my way, the walk would never end and we could exist in that moment forever.

“So what are you doing this weekend?” He asked.

My heart rate spiked. He wasn’t. No, I was getting my hopes up. “My roommates and I are going out. It's kind of a tradition, we go out every Saturday in October.” I admitted. Freshman year I kind of thought that Jessica was just a party girl who was good at pressuring me and Ang to go out. But I learned to enjoy it, the ritual of getting ready and getting drunk enough to not care what I looked like when I was dancing.

“Where are you going?”

At first, I thought he was joking. “You’ve never been to Club 33?”

He shook his head. “I don’t frequent the clubs very often.”

I chuckled, he sounded like an old man. “Well if you’re free you should…maybe…come- bring some people if you want to.” I added, hoping that he didn’t think I wanted to be more than friends, if that was even what we were.

He smiled which made my knees nearly give out. “Yeah, I’d like to.”

My heart swelled, and I couldn’t help but smile. Suddenly, the tiny raindrops increased in size and turned into a full-blown downpour in a matter of seconds. Normally rain would have ruined a hike for me, but it was kind of fun if not a little cold, half walking half running through muddy puddles together. Then all at once both of my feet slid out from under me. I waited for a splash and the feeling of mud under my palms, but it never came. Instead, I was stopped mid-air with a hand at my waist and one entwining with my fingers. It was inhumanly cold, like a stone. It was Edward who saved me, he had saved me weeks ago, it was him. His hands felt exactly the same. There was something that he wasn’t telling me, I wasn’t sure what it was, I wasn’t sure what he was, but I trusted him. He had saved my life.

“Are you okay?” He whispered, pulling me to my feet.

I nodded, examining his eyes for the millionth time since the day I met him. But they were golden anyore, they were black.

He didn’t release me from his grasp, I didn’t want him to. I couldn’t do anything other than watch him and breathe in his heavenly scent. I hoovered my hand over his cheek for just a moment, before pressing it gently against his skin. It was the same as his hands, stone. His grip tightened around my back. And reality came crashing down, he could feel everything, the rolls on my back, the softness of my body, his face he could see all of my imperfections. I pulled away and his grip yielded.

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

“Alice?” I groaned, knocking at her door. I could already hear her thinking of the dress she was going to wear, flicking through mental images of her more gothic chic selection.

“Would you like to ask me something, Edward?” She asked in a sing-songy voice, remembering the image that flashed in her mind earlier that day, she guessed correctly that something had happened with Bella. While Bella was absent, I was heavily featured, in the corner of a crowded club looking miserable, then I saw something, someone, and my expression transformed.

“Would you like to come out tonight?” I asked reluctantly, my jaw clenched.

She was swirling with giddy thoughts, she had not met Bella or even seen her despite her gift of precognition, but she knew that my spontaneous streak the last few weeks was catalyzed by Bella and therefore these strange visions.

{Oh Edward, that is so sweet of you.} She opened the door, half of her makeup was done, she still needed to draw on her eyebrows and paint on her lip stain. “I would love to go.” She was ecstatic that I was willing to do something other than rot away in the seat of my piano chair or escape to the Canadian wilderness on a Friday night.

“Be ready by 10” I said wanting to slink away to somewhere dark and obscuring.

“Oh no, we gotta get you ready still, have to look nice for Bella right?”

I groaned again, though Alice did have impeccable taste, so I indulged her. I was glad that she was coming back to life even if it meant I was slightly humiliated.

*********************************************************************************

We showed up to the club in our ridiculous semi-matching outfits. Alice had painted my nails and gelled my hair back, the way I wore it in the 90’s. She pulled out the black clothes that sat at the back of my closet, also relics of a time passed and I put on Jas’s Doc Martens, shiny, black, and platformed. She wore a matching almost all-black dress, spotted with a few navy blue accents, ripped fishnets, and a legion of perfectly curated accessories. Alice often forewent blending in with the humans in the name of self-expression. Most of the people in Club 33 were dressed in variations of the same outfits, the girls with skin-tight crop tops of various cuts and colors paired with high-waisted jeans and pops of colorful eyeshadows or lipstick. The boys put considerably less effort in, nearly all of them settling for jeans and a graphic t-shirt.

{We have nothing to hide.} I thought I heard from her direction, as the heads began to turn towards us. The collective thoughts of everyone in the remodeled warehouse had turned into an amorphous buzzing mass, it was difficult to concentrate on anything more than putting one foot in front of the other. My hand ached for a pen and paper to make sense of the thoughts and separate them from my own. I could only hear Alice because I knew her mind nearly too intimately. Even then, it took a bit of guesswork to discern which were her thoughts. Every few seconds a word or a phrase or a feeling would pop out against the static. Alice headed straight to the center of the crowd, people gave her a wide berth, which was almost comical for how small she was. I lingered on the edges of the room, watching her as she danced, echoing those early gothic rave days, even then people didn’t really know what to think of her. If nothing she was an incredible dancer. Admittedly I envied her, to live so authentically when much of the rest of our lives were, in part, consumed by trying to blend in, to prove our humanness. And of course, her genuineness made it easy for her to make real connections with humans, the reward for living this lifestyle, as Carlisle saw it. She reaped the reward, fully, she was more human than any of us.

I was emboldened by her, also partially by my wide-legged pants, which I always really loved actually. I searched the minds of the people on the dance floor, the bartenders, and even a few of the bouncers for Bella. Her perfect heart-shaped face, the brown doe eyes that could ask me to do anything and I would oblige without a second thought. If she decided to come after what happened that morning, if she didn’t think I was a monster, if she wasn't disgusted by touching me..again. Even if there was a chance to see her, braving the crowd was worth it. I was excited to see what she was wearing, how it would emphasize her shape, hug her soft curves, how delicate her flesh would be to touch…to-

There she was at the bar ordering a round of drinks, I was looking at her through the mind of the man standing next to her, a grad student distracted by the scantily clad bartender. Out of the corner of his eye, I caught glimpses of her. The elegant way in which she held her head, was slightly downturned. She was wearing makeup, an artfully swiped winged liner, accented by a dot of bright white glitter applied to the corner of her eyes. The man turned his head to follow the bartender who was walking the other way. I took some unnecessary, but invigorating breaths, a habit taken from my days as a human, and plucked up the courage to walk over and speak to her. I was terrified, and if my heart beat it would have been hammering.

“Reaping the benefits,” I thought, fighting with the buzz in my head. I didn’t get headaches the way a human does, but it was uncomfortable, and if I spent more than a few hours with so many people around it would induce an episode. But I was far from that point. I approached her from behind, her hair cascaded down her back in curls covering her simple blue dress, a classic silhouette but a modern length. She turned around, her hands full with 4 red drinks brimming with liquid and ice, she was startled as soon as she laid eyes on me throwing herself off balance and sending one of the drinks hurtling toward the floor.

I caught it reflexively with minimal spillage and reached to place it back in her hand. Me startling her was an oversight I blamed on my clouded mind, but had we been alone and she dropped something I probably would have done the same.

“Edward!” She exclaimed, her voice was strained and breathless. Her heart was unmistakable and strong. “Nice catch.” She giggled and opened her hand.

“Do you need some help?” I offered.

Her eyebrows came together for just a moment before softening once again. “Actually that would be great.” I was relieved, she was willing to accept my help. Maybe I hadn’t ruined everything. I guessed she was already a few vodka cranberries deep, which is what I suspected was in the cup. She was much louder, more expressive, and somewhat happier which made my heart swell. I followed her close through the crowd, though not touching her, her smell produced the familiar ache at the back of my throat, even with the overpowering scent of sweat and alcohol and axe body spray. A perfect balance of sweetness and bitterness. Even with my relatively short list of victims, all of them were slightly different in taste, usually on a spectrum of sweet to bitter. How could I expect anything less of her, the most tantalizing blood I had come across to date.

“Ang, Jess, Mike, this is Edward.” She introduced me to “The Crew”, as Mike referred to them in his mind. He thought of himself as the bodyguard as he was invited to all of the outings and attended nearly all of them, occasionally having to step in when a guy was getting too handsy as well as serving as DD most nights. Today his friend Tyler had driven them and they would take a LYFT home. He looked me up and down at first, then noticed Jessica’s dazed expression, staring, which I was used to. Many people either were attracted to my exterior or were completely disgusted by it, “plastic,” “unnatural,” and “stone” were some of the most common things I heard. I agreed with them, though some mistook these facts for beauty, they could even have a mesmerizing effect. Carlisle guessed it was a strategy for luring our victims to us like we needed any help.

“Hey,” Angela was the first to speak. I couldn’t pick out her mind, but I assumed it was just lost, it would be unlikely that I had met two shields in less than a week. “I’ve heard a lot about you.” I internally thanked Angela, selfishly I was glad that Bella had seemingly spoken about me.

“Nice to meet you.” I handed her a drink and then gave one to Mike who reluctantly took it. Jessica’s mind was a complete 180 to Mike’s, she was what Alice referred to as “being dazzled.” She was taken by what she described as beauty, her thoughts turning to feebly formed half-word mush. I turned to Bella, summoning more courage, to be more forward, leaning into my desires. She's already a comfort to me in awkward situations. “You look very beautiful tonight.”

She blushed, I loved that, though the blood coming to the surface was tempting, so much so that I felt the bitter venom pool in my mouth. It gave away her emotions, so in a small way I could read her mind. “Th-thankyou, I like your look too, it's different from what you normally wear.”

“My cousin likes to dress up, so I humored her,” I admitted, watching as Bella looked over my clothes. “Are you going to dance?” I looked over to the crowd.

“Dancing is a generous word, I mostly jump up and down and scream-sing along with the song.” She quipped, I liked this version of Bella, bold and confident. “Are you?”

I normally didn’t dance, though I had been known to break that rule a few times. I nodded, maybe a little too eagerly. Bella downed her drink in a few gulps, grimacing a little at the end, and followed Mike who led the group into the circle. I was the caboose. I watched as Bella gripped Angela’s shoulder. I contemplated for a moment, even going so far as to move my hand towards her. I wanted to feel her hand nestled in mine again, her soft flesh, the pulsing of the blood through her arteries. But I didn’t want to risk scaring her again. So it stayed firmly at my side. We made a close circle, possibly too close to humans for my comfort, patrons knocked against me from behind, hands touching my back as they squeezed behind me. I focused on Bella.

She was right, she wasn’t really a dancer, for the most part, she was unable to stay in rhythm unless it was the chorus. Her strained voice eaked out the melody, it sounded painful, but she was having so much fun I wouldn’t dare stop her. A genuine smile was something I had gotten glimpses of in our previous interactions, but there was nothing like it. It made her all the more stunning.

{Persephone,} I thought loud and clear, momentarily drowning out the background noise. I liked the small intimate moments that punctuated the song selection, Mr. Brightside had seemed to be a crowd favorite. Stolen glances, moments where our eyes met, her heart rate increased, and her cheeks flushed, I probably imagined the flutter I felt in my chest.

Then it all happened at once, we came together quickly. She was shoved by some idiot, sending her plummeting towards the ground. She feebly attempted to balance herself, but she would have hit the ground regardless, and hard. I caught her, quickly returning her to her feet at a fast, yet still human speed. I had gotten very good at catching her. My arm radiated where I had touched her flesh, soft and supple, of course, there were a couple of layers of fabric between us so she could feel my temperature, or lack thereof. And then she grabbed me, placing her hands on my back, and pulled herself close to me. I did nothing to stop her. There were mere inches between us, electric heat circulated, she was so warm. If I had it my way I would never let her go, never let the heat dissipate. It made me feel human. She made me feel human.

Chapter Text

Bella POV

I was dazzled by his eyes, his perfect glowing face, like the moon. His lips, my eyes danced on them a little too long, wondering what it would be like to kiss them, to feel them against mine, against other parts of me. I closed the gap, crooning my neck just enough for our skin to touch. Electricity seemed to conduct from his body to mine as we connected, and then I felt it. His coldness was impossible, but I had been witness to it on three different occasions. I stopped for just a moment, pulling back less than a centimeter.

“I’m sorry.” He muttered, his expression began to contort.

“No,” I whispered, it wasn’t audible even to me. I clasped my hands around him, he looked as if he was going to bolt any second and I clunkily pressed my lips back to him with a painful thunk that rattled in my skull. My lips turned hot and began to swell and throb but I continued forward, even if it was a dream or reality I turned off the voice telling me that I was stupid, that I would get hurt. His hands wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer to him. Our kiss deepened and his hands became more insistent, turning from the delicacy used to handle glass to a firm pressing. His fingers curled into my back adding welcome pressure, an intensity, and with it the hope that he felt the same about me. I yearned for him, to be with him, to peel back his layers and understand who he was.
Then I began to taste it, the blood coming from my lower lip where I had taken the brunt of the impact, my teeth must have cut into the flesh. It was just a few drops, enough to leave an irony taste in my mouth. I wondered if-

I felt his absence before I saw it. My hands were suddenly empty, my face no longer pressed to his. My nose was cold, almost numb like from the persistent wind on winter day. It still tingled on my back where his hands had been, I wished they were still there. I searched the crowd for him with increasing franticness. Maybe he had had too many drinks and went to throw up. That had to have been it. The heat was slowly returning to my face, which I chose to ignore, and tasked myself with searching for him which required stumbling through swaths of people. As I processed his absence and his quick departure, it was beginning to be clear that maybe he hadn’t run for the bathroom. He’d left intentionally, I had misread the situation entirely. I had forced myself on him and he was just being nice and going along with it, but didn’t actually feel that way. I was powerless to stop the tears, especially at the level of drunk I was. Everything was beginning to spin as I didn’t have his arms to stabilize me.

I needed to get out of there, it was hot and loud and my mascara was probably running. I found a door to the outside, the cold breeze was a respite so I stepped through it out into the back alley with the spitting rain and the wind. I nearly plummeted towards the ground but caught myself on the railing across from the door. I knew he wasn’t out there, he was probably long gone, scared off by that fat girl who practically threw herself at him. I didn’t bear any animosity towards him, but I was sad that I would never feel that again, the electricity, the desire I had imagined coming from him. I thought that he wanted me like that, so much that his arms wrapped around me and his fingers pressed against my back like he never wanted to let me go. And it was him, I thought, who felt like that. Edward, the guy that I had been fantasizing about since the beginning of the semester. The Adonis who read Bronte and Austen, who was kind of a nerd and a little awkward but in a cute endearing way, who was so incredibly polite and endlessly interesting. I had folded over, bracing myself against the railing, crying, failing to compose myself. Mascara, eyeliner, and eyeshadow were coming off on the back of my hands as I wiped my eyes. I was glad that no one was there to witness my moment, which at the time felt like rock bottom.

The door opened behind me, hitting my hip hard, the door was heavy and made of metal and shot a pain up my spine. I must have made some sort of sound as a reaction because the men walking out already starting to light their cigarettes seemed surprised as though they hadn’t seen me. It was three men, certainly among the few 30-somethings who dared to enter Club 33, most people above 25 stayed far away. “Sorry darlin’” The tallest one huffed, blowing smoke out from his nose.

I offered an unconvincing smile, wiping my cheeks again, they were beginning to feel raw. I turned to leave once they had cleared the opening. “Rough night?” another one said. He was shorter than the other one by a few inches, with a thick beard that concealed his emotion.

I nodded and began opening the door, but his hand slammed onto the metal just above me, which made it shut, preventing me from going back inside. I tried tugging on it a few times, but his hand stayed firmly in its place. My heart pounded over and over against my chest, I had to tread carefully if I wanted to come out of this. I removed my now sweaty hand from the handle and swallowed hard as I faced him. “My friends are waiting for me,” I said as calmly as possible, but the tremble was audible in my voice.

“Did some boy make you cry like that sweetheart?” I could smell the whiskey mixed with cigarettes and unbrushed teeth wafting onto the crown of my head. My skin crawled. “I bet he was real pretty.”
I wanted to cry, but I controlled myself and looked down at the ground, inching myself away from him.

“Jer, come on!” The tall man beckoned. “Just leave her alone, she’s drunk.” I looked over to the man and thanked him silently, the one next to him was rolling his eyes. I guessed this was not a one-time occurrence for “Jer.”

“Just give me a minute! Girls like you-” He waved his finger in my face, his breath was thick with cigarette smoke and beer, “College boys can’t handle you. They just want some anorexic skinny bitch, and, you darlin’ you are a whole lot a woman.” I watched as the man turned to leave, my heart sank and my eyes closed as I felt him press closer, his thumb was digging deep into my shoulder, bruising the muscles. I tried and failed to push him away from me. It seemed to just embolden him, as he sunk the rest of his fingers in and gripped hard.

“Stop, you’re hurting me.” I protested, a sound erupted out of my mouth from the pain he was inducing. His other hand quickly went to my ribs, just as roughly. There would be bruises. I was bracing myself for the worst, I closed my eyes and waited, but then I heard a thud.

My eyes snapped open and the man was in the alleyway on the other side of the railing, 10 feet away, as though he’d been thrown. Then a figure moving almost too quickly for me to process moved over to him, crouching above him. It was Edward. He took the man’s arm in his hand and wrenched it back, the snap of muscles and cartilage reverberated down the alley. “When I let you go, you are going to apologize to her, and then you are going to get the hell out of here. Nod if you understand.” Edwards' voice was almost a low growl, something I didn’t know he was capable of. It didn’t even sound like him.

Edward pulled him to his feet roughly, with a force I didn’t expect. He had been so delicate with me, his voice, his touch, everything. The man apologized quickly and sloppily before splitting into a full-out sprint to catch up with his friends who had departed sometime in all of the chaos. Edward slowly turned and walked toward me, I held my breath, slightly stunned, partially because of the events that happened, partially because of his switch of personality and partially of course because of his beauty. He stayed at a distance. “Are you alright?”

I nodded but knew I was unconvincing as the tears began to fall down my cheeks. I was feeling just how heavy the weight of the situation was. What would’ve happened if Edward hadn’t appeared out of thin air? My mind kept returning to the man, how easily he could’ve… I was waiting for it. I could have done something to stop it, maybe if I hadn’t…then I felt Edward’s embrace. Cool and calming and floral scented. His arms tightened around me making me feel secure, I was sure that in his presence nothing could ever touch me. “You’re shaking.” He whispered, pulling me in closer, and tucking my head against his chest. “He hurt you.” There was an edge to his voice.

It was throbbing, at first, I thought it was bearable. I thought that I was actually unphased. But then, I couldn’t get enough air in my lungs no matter how many times I breathed in.
“Sssshhh,” He soothed, placing a hand on the back of my head and stroking me gently with his thumb. “You’re safe now. I won’t let anything happen to you.”

I believed him. I had never felt safer with anyone. I managed to calm down after a few minutes. Then the waves of embarrassment began to come through. “I’m sorry.” I was still crying, but I wasn’t hysterical anymore. I pulled away, even the slight movement aggravated my shoulder, making me wince. “I don’t know why I’m still crying.”

“You have nothing to apologize for.” He said fervently, keeping one hand on my arm.

Suddenly Angela, Jessica, and Mike burst through the door of the club, in various stages of panic. Mike looked as though he was about to fight Edward, Angela looked relieved, and Jessica seemed to be having enough trouble standing upright let alone have any thoughts about the situation at hand. “We couldn’t find you.” Angela looked genuinely scared, I felt a pang of guilt hit me in the chest.
“Sorry. I- uh. I just- ” I fumbled with my words for a moment, and wiped my tears away, trying to form an explanation, but was saved by Jessica of all people. She bent over and emptied her stomach contents onto the sidewalk. I looked away, hoping the alcohol would stay inside me and just give me a pounding headache the next morning, which was in my opinion very much preferable to throwing up. Jessica eventually stopped, Angela and Mike were helping her, gently rubbing her back and attempting to corral her elsewhere. “I’m gonna call a LYFT,” Mike said, practically lifting Jess up into his arms. “You sure you’re good?” He asked me then proceeded to stare daggers at Edward.

I nodded. I made the executive decision that Jess was the priority, I would tell them what happened later. “I-I- I’m okay.”

“Her shoulder got hurt.” Edward chimed in.

“How?” Ang asked.

“I just-I tripped.” I lied. “It’ll probably be okay in the morning.”

“No, no, no, you’re known for downplaying this sort of stuff.” Angela took her motherly tone with me, she used it sparingly, but it was effective. “Remember you had that “cold” for three weeks which turned out to be mono?”

She made a compelling argument. “There’s a CVS around the corner.” Edward chimed in, I flashed him another glare. “I can take you home after we get some ice on it.”

Chapter Text

Edward POV:
My fear of scaring her away from me was enough for me to control myself. If I had given over completely to instinct I would have ripped his head off. Anger and fear swirled together and came to a low boil inside of me. I looked over at her, agonizing over the drinks through the glass of the cooler. I couldn’t bear the thought of… A small V shape had appeared on her forehead between her eyebrows. I focused my energies on making that disappear and hopefully coax a smile out of her. “Please, get whatever you would like.”

“I have money, you know.”

She never failed to coax a smile out of me. “I know.”

She pulled a drink out of the cooler and we made it to checkout. I wanted to help her, I knew she was in pain every time her arm moved, and every so often she would wince. But she refused every time I asked. So I took the bag out of the clerk's hand before Bella could get to it. I carried the plastic sack containing an icy hot pack, her unsweetened iced tea, and some M&M’s which I would try to coax into her. She was still in shock so sugar was best, she was pale and glassy-eyed, and my heart broke for her that she was in any sort of pain. If I had been watching, maybe I could have prevented him from going as far as he did. But I had been busy trying to control my thirst.

She trailed behind me. I still found myself trying to read her thoughts, though I knew it was impossible. I couldn’t help but strain my mind to eke out anything. It was the most ironic trick the universe could play on me. I had spent my immortal existence loathing my “gift ''. I regularly would go for periods of time trying to remove myself altogether from the company of others, human or otherwise just to stop the voices invading my head. It wasn’t a gift, it was a curse. But I found myself wanting to read her mind. I had always thought that if I had a choice I would turn off my gift altogether, but once I met Bella I found myself eating my words.

We found a curb and settled, I held my breath as she eased down to a sitting position. I was becoming aware of all of the obstacles humans dealt with on a daily basis, the slick grass, the sharp lip of the curb, the shattered bits of glass on the road. She slipped the sleeve of her dress down so it hung around her arm. I could hear the rush of blood to the area, I guessed it was very painful. I dared a look in her direction, it revealed a red blotchy pattern which was already beginning to turn purple in places.

“You really didn’t have to buy it, let me give you some money.” She pleaded, shaking the icy hot pack and applying it over the bruise.

“You really don’t like people helping you.” I joked I would have even been frustrated with her insistence, but I found it a physically impossible act, to harbor ill thoughts towards her.

She was taken aback, chewing on my comment for a moment. “I-I-uh. I just don’t want people to go out of their way.” The V returned to her forehead.

“You do, all the time.” I had read the thoughts of all her friends, how much they loved her, and how much she did for them. Their memories painted her with clarity, selflessness, and genuineness. She had helped Mike all last semester with his bio class, which she had taken the year before, and essentially had to re-teach all of the lectures. I had witnessed her firsthand doing small acts of kindness for others and expecting nothing in return. She tipped incredibly well at the campus coffee shop, she picked up trash that wasn’t hers and disposed of it. I had even watched her once catch a spider crawling on the wall next to her and take it outside to release it.

She looked up at me through her long lashes, whatever we would become I knew I could never say no to her. I pulled the drink out of the bag and twisted it open for her. “Drink,” I instructed.
She obliged without protest for the first time that night. “Thank you, for helping me.”

I didn’t know exactly how to respond, you’re welcome didn’t seem correct. I didn’t want her to welcome any need that could put her in danger again. I wanted to say how I felt, that her safety was of utmost importance to me, that the idea of her pain was unbearable to me, and that I never wanted to be away from her. But I couldn’t make my mouth form in a way that expressed that eloquently, in a humanly appropriate way. “I’m sorry that I left when we were…” The embarrassment was returning, something I wished to forget. It was easy to pretend I was human when I was with her, I could push the burning in the back of my throat and compartmentalize my vampirism to some banished corner of my brain.

I had tasted her blood, only slightly where it lingered on her tongue. It was delightful, heavenly akin to what I imagined ambrosia tasted like. I imagined myself, even in a public place it would be easy to pierce her skin with my fangs, they were so sharp she wouldn’t even notice at first. I could so easily suck her dry if I lost control. And that’s almost what happened, I could feel muscles begin to twitch as my body detected the blood. I worried that I wouldn’t have had any choice in the matter if I didn’t remove myself from the situation. So I left, moving through the crowd at a rate at which no human eye could detect. Though Alice knew.

“It's okay. I get it. I’m sorry, I must have misread the situation.”

“What? I turned to her, I was not used to being caught off guard by people, and she was proving to be very good at doing so.

“I mean I knew it was too good to be true, and there was this dick in high school who…It doesn’t matter. I just hope we can still be friends.”

“I’m sorry I’m lost here,” I admitted.

She chuckled. “I mean you’re like this perfect, incredibly beautiful, smart, European model who somehow goes to school at the University of Washington Olympia. People like you aren’t interested in fat girls. The people I attract are middle-aged divorced commercial fishermen and guys who look like they could be school shooters. I guess I had just convinced myself that against all odds you liked me back.” She was out of breath by the end.

My heart shattered for the second time that night. She didn’t seem to be concealing any part of her true emotions, and it revealed how little she actually thought of herself. I cursed the world for making her believe that she was anything less than perfect. I had seen the trend of thinness go in and out of style throughout the decades, and for the last 50 or so years it has been prevalent. The casual observations I had made in listening to people’s thoughts were nothing more than a social phenomenon until now until they seemed to affect the person I cared about, the person I cared about most. “Bella, you are the most beautiful girl in the world.” I reached over and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

“Don’t say that if you don’t mean it.” She whispered, closing her eyes and we came closer together, her cheeks were red and her voice trembled slightly.

“I mean it with everything that I am.” And I did it, I risked it all again. I placed my hand on top of hers, really feeling her warmth and softness. She smiled at me, I was grateful for it, and I would be grateful for every smile she gave me.

BEEP! BEEP! Alice pulled up in front of us in the jeep. Her thoughts were nearly spilling out of her. {EEEK Wait until Esme hears about this! Edward, she is so beautiful. I can’t actually believe it, I thought you would keep going with that everything sucks for at least another century!} I felt Bella jump from the shock, which made me a little mad at Alice, but I was grateful that she jumped a little closer to me. She wasn’t repulsed by my coldness, she trusted me despite all her human instincts which said otherwise.

“Sorry,” I whispered to her. “This is my cousin Alice.”

“Bella, it is so nice to meet you. I have heard so much about you, honestly, my dear cousin Edward is painfully anti-social-” She was rattling off her stream of consciousness while hanging her head out of the window.

“Alright Alice,” I interrupted before she went too far. “Can you take us to drop Bella off?” She had been keeping an eye on me for the entire night and was privy to at least some of the events of the night.

“I would love to, but Bella’s sitting shotgun.”

I swiveled around to look at Bella, she was giggling which made me smile.

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

I entered our apartment as quietly as possible, hoping that Jessica and Angela and probably Mike were asleep, or at least in some sort of pre-hangover state, inebriated enough to not notice I had come in. But, unsurprisingly each of them was positioned on the couch around the TV watching Survivor, of course. Jessica had a trashcan next to her and was gingerly sipping a glass of water.
“Hey Bella, I was wondering when you would get home,” Mike said, putting on a sort of paternal voice.

“Hi, Mike.”

“Oh my god Bella, did you fuck him?” Jessica interrupted, she was sobering, but her speech was still slightly slurred. I would have said that her comment was also attributed to the alcohol, but I honestly think that was just Jessica.

“No.” I laughed, feeling myself blush. I wanted to.

“How’s your shoulder?” Angela asked, giving me a once over.

“It's okay. I’ll see how it feels tomorrow.” I headed for my room.

“Wait!” Jessica practically fell out of her seat, but somehow was able to grab my hand and pull me onto the couch. “Tell us what happened.” All of them leaned in, Mike with a face of mild disgust, Angela tentatively, and Jessica ravenous for details.

“Well, um he took me to CVS and bought me a drink and an icy hot pouch, and we just sat down and talked.”

“And…”

“I told him I had feelings for him and he said he told me I was beautiful,” I said, making Jessica erupt into giggles, I followed suit allowing myself to believe that it was real, that I wasn’t in some dream state. “And then his cousin drove us home. He walked me up to the door, and…he kissed me again.” All of us erupted into giggles as squeals this time, even Mike cracked a smile.

“Oh my gosh, meeting the family already,” Angela said with a hand over her face to obscure her excited expression, Survivor had been completely abandoned. I got them to calm down after a few minutes and returned to my bedroom to stew in the events of the night. I was exhausted and excited and still partially in disbelief. I began to get ready for bed, in the background of my mind trying to rationalize the things about him that didn’t make sense. It was an impossible task.

I heard my phone vibrate. It was Edward. I felt my heart leap to my throat. “Hi,” I said picking up the call.

“Hi. Are you doing okay?” He asked gently.

“Yeah, I’m fine.” I insisted. “You should go to bed, it's late.”

He laughed, but I wasn’t exactly sure why. “I was gonna stay up for a bit. I know it was a long night. I’m sure you have questions… about me, and I’ll explain. Could we maybe meet somewhere tomorrow?”

I tried to wrap my head around what he was saying, it was the first time he had spoken overtly about what I could only describe as the list of things I had been tallying. Ice-cold stone-like skin, appears and evaporates out of thin air, inhumanly beautiful. “Is everything okay Edward?” My mouth couldn’t seem to form any other words.

“Everything is wonderful, better than it has been in a long time. I just…” He hesitated.

“You can tell me,” I whispered. He was unpeeling himself. I held my breath.

“I’m not…I don’t want to scare you away, Bella you’re the best thing that has happened to me since…well in a long time.” He sounded as if he was tearing himself apart, evading specific wording of things.

“You’re not gonna scare me, Edward. I trust you. You-” I paused for a moment contemplating it for a moment. “You saved my life more than once.”

“You knew?” He asked calmly.

“Not until this morning. I don’t care what it is. You could be Spiderman or something, you’re not getting rid of me.” I meant it, I felt kind of crazy. He was right, I should have run for the hills, but I couldn’t because it was him, I felt completely safe when I was with him. He sighed, I hoped it was a sigh of relief. “Get some sleep, you had a long night as well. Why don’t pick me up tomorrow morning around 9:00, you can explain then.” I said, feeling a surge of boldness. I knew that I could handle whatever he was going to tell me because it was him telling me.
“Alright. Sleep well, Bella.”

I couldn’t possibly process everything at once. Part of me, the part of me that still felt like a high schooler, wanted to celebrate by jumping onto my bed and letting out a little squeal into my pillow. Beyond all reasoning Edward liked me back, the words still danced in my ear ‘You’re the most beautiful girl in the world.’ It sent a shiver down my spine just thinking about it. But there were more pressing things to wrap my head around, most importantly, how was it possible? Was I naive to consider folktales and science fiction stories to have an element of truth? I spent a few hours googling, diving into everything from ancient stories of shapeshifters and witches to Reddit accounts of supernatural sightings. I didn’t accomplish anything through it other than scaring myself out of ever hiking alone again. I closed my computer and tried to get a few hours of sleep.

I quieted the doubt that still lingered inexplicably, that somehow he didn’t like me, that it was still an elaborate joke like it had been with Jacob. But half of me didn’t care, that even if it ended horribly, the bliss was worth it. Thinking that he liked me was worth it. I fell asleep thinking of him, the way he formed his words, the way he smelled, everything about him lulled me into the most restful night I had remembered.

*********************************************************************************

I agonized over what to wear, but only for a moment as I had limited time. I settled on a pair of jeans and a sweater, the weather had begun to turn to winter so I added a tank top underneath. It was safe and oversized and had little flecks of blue in the yarn, which I knew he liked. I rushed down to the front, deciding to take a rain jacket on just in case. I forewent breakfast as usual, though my stomach ached with hunger. My shoulder ached too, still from where that man had dug his thumb in, but I ignored it as I walked out of my building over to his jeep parked right in front of the stairwell door. He was there stunning as ever, leaning nonchalantly against the car door. I felt a knot of nerves rise in me, what the hell was I thinking? This wasn’t a romance novel, this was real life.

“Hey, beautiful.” He said as I approached, extending his arms towards me. I felt my body begin to react to his presence, my heart rate jumping up, the adrenaline releasing into my system. But as soon as we touched, I was easily comforted even if the temperature of his skin was strange. I hadn’t slept well, but at that moment I felt as though I could fall asleep easily cradled in his arms.

“Hi.” I said breathlessly, “How are you?”

“Better now that you’re here.” He held a hand up and traced my hairline with his thumb. His eyes were golden now, a completely different shade than what they had been the night before. I blushed, and his hand dropped down to my cheek, cooling the heat that my body automatically produced. “I’m never going to get tired of that.” He remarked at a nearly inaudible volume.

“Tired of what?” I was confused. But he simply grinned and let go of me with one of his hands to open the passenger door, but kept one entwined with mine, guiding me into the seat.

He got in the driver's seat. “So where do you want to go? Breakfast is what people generally do in the morning, correct?”

I was speechless by his wording, as though he didn’t know what people generally did. But the idea of breakfast at a restaurant, bacon, sausage, eggs, pancakes, sugary pastries, made my mouth water, I was starving, but eating all of those calories, especially in front of him made me start to hyperventilate. “I already ate,” I said, my palms were sweating.

“Straight to it then.” There wa something foreboding in his voice. We started west down the highway, a path I knew well since it was the way to Forks and I drove it nearly every Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Summer to visit Charlie, though recently I had been making less of a habit of it. We listened to his music, a mix of classical piano, jazz, pop, and some indie stuff. I wasn’t surprised that he had rather eclectic taste, seemingly not sticking to any genre or artist. We had a surface-level conversation, both avoiding the obvious subject, though I was itching to know if there was some sort of rational explanation. He asked me what Jessica, Angela, and Mike said after I got home. I apologized that Mike was less than friendly, he said it was fine. We talked about our assignment for class, the latest chapter of Jane Eyer that we had read, and plans for Christmas break.

“Are we going to Forks?” I accused, as he merged into the exit lane for Forks.

“No,” He laughed. “Our destination is just beyond.”

My stomach turned, it was my last wish to step inside that town more than was required to maintain a decent relationship with Charlie. It was a shame too, because the poor memories it harbored didn’t dampen its natural beauty which I sorely missed at school, whose trails and forest were a bad replacement for the ones in Forks. We took the next exit after Forks, to the best of my knowledge it contained mostly country roads, a few spots for fishing, and maybe a few houses, but nothing else. We followed the road which quickly turned to gravel and finally a barely cleared path disappeared into the thicket. I looked tentatively over at him. He just smiled, thought it was a nervous smile.

It was bumpy, my seatbelt strained as the uneven ground jostled me around even though he went slowly. The jeep handled it generally well. Finally, he stopped as we approached what looked like a clearing. The diffused light was filtering down behind the trees. He appeared on my side. I hadn’t even noticed that he had gotten out, but he opened my door and took my hand and we walked a few feet to the clearing. It was an idyllic grassy meadow complete with chirping birds, and red and yellow leaves flitting down from the trees preparing for winter. The clouds were moving along with the breeze, the sun was playing hide and seek, appearing for a moment before being covered up just as quickly. I looked up at him, his gaze seemed to be firmly on me. “How did I not know about this?” I gasped, I had lived in Forks for years and had never heard of a place like this.

“It's a bit remote. I don’t think anyone knows about this place except me, and you now.”

I pulled his hand, stepping forward onto the inviting, dreamy, long grass which ebbed and flowed in the wind, just like the waves on the ocean. But he hesitated. I felt the sun hit my skin and looked back, covered safely in the shadows.

“I just don’t want anything to change.” He pulled me back gently into the cover of shade. He pressed his forehead to mine. “My time with you has been the best moment of my life. But being with me is not easy. It's complicated and dangerous and I don’t want you to get hurt. If something happened to you…” His jaw clenched together.

“I want to know Edward.” I ran my fingers through his hair, and he closed his eyes, relishing my touch.

“I don’t know if you do.” He shook his head, he looked on the verge of tears.

Now I was nervous. My heart felt like it was going to beat itself to dust. “Out with it.” I was trembling.

He gently placed my hands at my sides and stepped to cross into the light.

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

I loved the sun, the way it warmed me and made me feel human. It was nothing compared to her touch, the way her soft hands seemed to know exactly where to go. And I was about to risk it all, in fact, it was likely that she would never want to see me again, that she would be terrified or disgusted or think I was crazy or maybe all three and then some. But I needed her to know, even if it went against our most absolute rule, even if it could get me executed. I wanted her to know that it felt like a crime to try to keep her in the dark for any length of time, she would have figured it out soon enough. I never ate or drank anything, I didn’t go out in the sunlight, I inexplicably knew what people were thinking. I was a vampire. I was a monster who thirsted for her blood. I closed my eyes, waiting for a scream, a gasp, anything. But all I heard was the even out of her breath and the rapid beat of her heart. Maybe it was the last time I would have the privilege of being so close to her.
But then I felt her soft fleshy fingers already becoming cold from the weather and from my skin, intertwining with mine. I was in disbelief, maybe I had imagined it, but I squeezed down gently and she was still there. I looked down at her, my crystal skin was casting small dot-shaped reflections of the sun onto her face. Her glassy eyes were confused, even a bit awe-struck. “Tell me.” She whispered. “Help me understand.”

If I were able, I would have shed tears. “You’re not afraid?”

She shook her head. “I want to know.” She curled her head against my chest. I smoothed down her hair.

“I’m not like you. I’m not even sure if I can call myself human.”

The confused look returned to her face, specifically that V in between her eyebrows. I worried for just a moment that I had sacrificed the only good thing in my miserable existence. I worried that she would run as far and as fast as her human legs would carry her. But she stayed firmly in my arms. I was shocked at how fervent she was in her loyalty. “I was 19, I was in training to become a field medic. My brother had died in combat a few years earlier and it seemed like the natural thing to do, maybe I could save some families from so much grief. As a part of on-site training, I was stationed in this tiny town, away from most of the combat. I was mostly treating the people of the town, broken bones from falling out of trees, pulling teeth, that kind of stuff. I wasn’t very good at it. But then, it seemed like it happened overnight, droves of people were coming in to be treated for this sickness, it was a horrible flu. Then people started dying, I thought it was my fault, that if I were a better doctor I could have saved them. Then I caught it and the other medics did their best, but I had resigned myself to dying, I knew intimately how the disease worked. I don’t really remember much of those last few days, only that it was painful.” I felt her trembling against my chest, her eyes were glassy with tears. “Maybe I would have died that night anyway, or maybe I was going to make a miraculous recovery. I was so loopy from the fever that I was seeing things that weren’t there. Then a stranger came. I couldn’t exactly make out what she looked like, but she was incredibly strong and frozen to the touch. She took me and brought me to the woods...it was so cold that night. She sank her razor-sharp teeth into me. It was agony as the poison spread, like fire coursing through my veins. I don’t know if it was the venom or the fever, but I began having visions, seeing the most awful things imaginable. I would have eagerly given my life to stop the pain, time was becoming meaningless and then it began to ebb, the pain was subsiding slowly, and it was being replaced with coolness, a feeling of strength, and foreign thoughts that were not mine. And I awoke like this. That was in 1917.”

She stood there staring at me for what felt like an eternity, but it was probably no more than a minute in reality. Her eyes were darting around my face trying to make sense of the outlandish story I had told her, but it wasn’t a story, it was the truth, no matter how inexplicable. “So you’re immortal?” She whispered.

“We don’t age, not like humans. But we can be killed, we all will die at some point.”

“And what- you can hear people’s thoughts?”

I nodded slowly.

“Oh god,” She began to pull away, burying her face in her hands. “I’m sorry, I-”

“But I-I can’t read your mind for some reason. You’re what we call a shield.”

“That’s a relief.” She blew out a puff of air. I wanted to know selfishly what she had thought of me. “And you’re fast and ice cold and incredibly strong. What else?”

“I woke up in a cabin, somewhere in the French countryside. The woman who turned me was there watching me. Her name was Victoria and she made me to be her mate. She taught me what I was, she showed inconceivable strength, speed, and agility, even my senses were heightened, I could hear the beating hearts of the rabbits that dug holes in the garden, and I could smell the violets that grew a mile into the woods. It was exciting and wonderful and terrifying. But then I caught a whiff of it.” I took a breath. “Human blood.” I watched for her reaction, but she was unreadable as always.
“Did you kill people?” She breathed.

“Yes.”

“How many?”

“A couple dozen or so. She tried to get me to be as indiscriminate with my victims as she was. But I couldn’t stomach it when I could hear their thoughts. The first time we were on the streets of Paris at night, she showed me how she hunted. We came across a couple of strung-out prostitutes, even through the high I could they were not bad people, they didn’t deserve to be murdered and discarded on the street. I persuaded Victoria to seek her meal elsewhere. I searched through the minds of the men we came across. I found one suitable, a vile man who was on a hunt of his own, stalking a young girl he had become infatuated with. We pulled him into an alleyway and drained him of his blood. I tried to rationalize it, that I probably saved more lives than I took, but even still I became disillusioned with her and left only a few years after I was turned. I found that feeding on the blood of animals kept me alive, I found others like me who wanted to deny our true nature. I’ve been living with them ever since.”

“Alice, your cousin?”

She was too smart for her own good. If I hadn’t told her she would have figured it out on her own. “She’s not the only other. We live close to humans. Carlisle believes it is easier to stick to our diet when we understand what it would mean to take a life, to rob someone of their existence. It’s sort of a reward as well, we get to participate in humanity, even if it's at arm's length. Our coven and a few others dotted around the world share the same ideals, but we are in the vast minority.” My hands had migrated down to her, I drew circles on the back of one of her hands with my thumb. “My world is dangerous for humans, you could so easily get hurt. And I would do the utmost to protect you, but I can’t guarantee your safety. Even me…if I lose focus for one moment, if I have one moment of lapse in control I could kill you. I want you to know what you are getting into if you want to.”

Her eyes had been averted to the ground. She looked up at me finally, she wrapped her arms around me, enveloping me in her heavenly scent, and kissed me sweetly, tenderly. “I want you, Edward, and everything that comes with you.”

I cradled her in my arms, this precious perfect person who against all odds was seemingly accepting of me, of my monstrous nature. I knew that I loved her, though I kept that to myself, at least for now. It seemed so easy for her, so natural. I had thought about it so many times, how being together would be complicated and fraught with obstacles, but she seemed to love me with ease like it was as easy as breathing. I loved her easily as well.

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

We had laid there, for a long time, the blowing grass tickling my scalp. I watched the clouds as he watched me and then we would switch and I would watch him watch the clouds. A million questions were swirling in my head, but I found myself asking things like, if he could hear the thoughts of babies and if he could, what did they think? Or what was his favorite place to travel to, it seemed he had been nearly everywhere. Or why he couldn’t hear my thoughts. I had the feeling there would be a lot of time for him to answer all the obvious questions, so I left those for later. Mostly we just stayed silent and enjoyed each other's company as my understanding of the world came slowly crashing down. Vampires existed, and they weren’t like Dracula, they were real and I wondered what else was real, what sort of supernatural things lurked around avoiding exposure to humans. It was terrifying, but with him there it didn't scare me so much.

“Can you show me?” I asked.

“Show you what?”

“What you can do.” I wanted to know just how fast and strong he was. He smiled and rose from his position. And he was gone, it took a moment for my brain to process that he was absent, but then I frantically began to look around.

“Over here!” I heard him call from a distance. I strained my eyes, he was across the meadow dangling from a tree limb. He let go and plummeted down to the ground, I felt my heart lurch to my stomach, but before I could panic too much he landed gracefully on his feet. Suddenly he was back in front of me.

“Okay, so you weren’t exaggerating.” I joked

He giggled. “Top speed is well over 100 miles per hour.”

“You measured?”

He cracked another smile. “Me and Emmett were bored one night so we took turns running past the speed meter sign on Fletcher Street, those things max out at a hundred.” He said he didn’t blush but I could tell he was embarrassed by his tone, it was cute.

“Emmett is your…”

“Right now Rosalie, his mate, is posing as my cousin. Every decade or so we need to assume different identities, usually we go for the family structure. Carlisle and Esme are my aunt and uncle, Alice is my cousin as well, and Jas is awol right now.”

“But you’re not actually related.” My head was spinning with information.

“No, we all came to the coven at different times, under different circumstances, but we all do our best to share the same diet.”

I nodded. “When did you join the coven?”

“January 8th, 1957. I happened upon Carlisle and Alice hunting in the Canadian wilderness. I caught a scent of their trail. I could tell they were vampires, but they were following the trail of a herd of deer. Vampires never feed on animals if they have a choice. Victoria thought it impure to consume the blood of animals, it was beneath her. It took a while to track them, but I was so intrigued. I could read their minds and they were like me, the first ones I had ever encountered. They took me back to their home, and there was a woman there, a human. Carlisle introduced me to her as Esme, his wife.”

“So this is- us, is not an anomaly?” My heart was racing, for a few hours I had thought this was uncharted territory

“No, Carlisle and Esme lived for almost a decade as human and vampire. It is possible. And I will do everything to protect you.”

“Is it difficult to resist?” I asked, hoping my question wouldn’t be offensive to him.

“Yes, but the more I’m around you, the easier it gets to resist.”

I looked out across the meadow, trying to comprehend what he had said. Trying to come to terms with everything.

“Are you frightened of me?”

“No.” I placed my hand on top of his. “You’re not a monster Edward.”

He looked wistfully the other way. I had a feeling he didn’t believe me. My heart ached for him. Someone so good, someone who denied their greatest desire to keep their humanity thought the worst of themselves. “I’m not so sure.”

“Well even if you were,” I placed a hand on his cheek and guided his face to look at me. “It doesn’t change how I feel about you.”

He smiled and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I don’t deserve you.”

I felt a pang hit my chest. He echoed exactly how I felt about him. I was still trying to get over the inadequacies I felt about myself. To me, he was perfect in every way including the parts of him that I couldn’t fully comprehend yet. Even those things that I didn’t know about him yet still made him who he was. “So if you were 19 in 1917 that makes you 120? You’re kind of old for me aren’t you?” I joked.

“I mean technically I’m frozen at the age I was turned, so I’m always functionally going to be 19, so you are actually- how old are you anyway?” He asked, leaning in towards me, his smile made me breathless for a moment.

“I just turned 21,” I admitted.

“When?” He asked slightly accusingly.

“Last month.” He was so close now, I could feel the cold radiating off his skin.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” He was on the verge of whining.

“I barely knew you then.”

“Well, we need to celebrate, even if it’s late.” He insisted.

“No, you don’t need to.” I didn’t want the attention, I never liked it, even when I was a kid I always dreaded my birthday because it meant people fussing over me, singing to me, and looking at me. And my most recent one had been a small affair, since it was in the middle of the week, no cake, no ice cream, just some shots of whatever Mike had brought over that night. I worried about Edward planning things, a giant cake full of candles, and a restaurant where he would tell me to order anything I wanted. Would he even eat?

“Bella, your birth is something worth celebrating. Please can I do this for you?”

I was putty in his hands. “Fine, but it has to be something low-key.”

He smiled.

“And you can’t spend any money on me,” I added.

“No promises.” His smile turned mischievous.

By mid-morning, the rain inevitably came, forcing us to return to the jeep. Edward kept complaining that it ruined our day, but I didn’t think it was ruined at all, though I did manage to get soaked nearly to the bone. He immediately began blasting the heat. I pulled off my sweater, which aggravated my shoulder slightly. I peeled the fabric from my skin revealing my tank top underneath.
“Bella, your shoulder.” He said concernedly. I looked down at it, revealing a rather large purple bruise. It was alarming looking, but most of the bruises that showed up on me looked worse than they felt.

“Oh, I-I” I tried to compose myself as he placed a hand on my upper arm. “It looks worse than it feels,” I admitted. His eyes were trained intently on the bruise, his expression was twisted in concern.

“Don’t worry.”

“Darling, it's far too late for that. I think I should take you to the hospital.” He put the gear shift into drive.

“Edward, no. That’s totally unnecessary, I bruise super easily, it barely hurts.” I turned towards him.

“You cannot tell me that you’re fine, you’re hurt, Bella.” His voice broke at the end. “I may have forgotten a lot about being human, but I know that a bruise like that is not normal.”

“Please, no hospital,” I said, feeling the anxiety rise in me just at the thought of entering that place again.

“Okay, but we should get you checked out.” His hand moved to my cheek. “Can I take you to Carlisle?”

“Okay.” I finally gave in to him. It did ache.

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

I tried to keep myself in check. I felt the metal on the inside of the steering wheel groan under my grasp. But after seeing that bruise on Bella, how could I be anything but angry? I should have insisted the night before...after that lowlife did to her… He had been so rough with her that blood pooled beneath her delicate skin. It made my teeth grind together. If I had been there half a minute before instead of trying to gain control of my thirst, it would have spared her the pain. Even now, after the fact, it had taken me hours to notice she was hurt, maybe that was also because I was trying to suppress the venom from pooling in my mouth and ignore that burning ache at the back of my throat.

“Are you okay Edward?” Her small sweet voice said from the seat next to me. Her heart was pounding as it always was, but her hand was gripping the door handle so tight her knuckles were white. I eased off the gas.

“Am I okay? I’m a nearly indestructible immortal vampire. I should be asking you that question.” There was no reason to rush, she was already hurt, her perfect skin already marked.

“Edward.” She placed her hand on my knee, threatening to make me swerve off the road. “I’m human, sometimes we get hurt, and we heal. That’s how it works.”

She was right, I was panicking. I was irrational when it came to her, any amount of pain she was in or had been in was like a knife through my chest. It seemed like a crime that someone so good should have to go through any amount of hardship, even if it was, as she put it, “part of being human. I unclenched my jaw. We arrived quickly at the house, I knew Carlisle was home, along with Esme and Alice. Rosalie was absent which I was grateful for, I doubted that Rosalie would say anything unsavory to Bella, but she wouldn't hold back on me. Selfishly I was still trying to convince Bella to like me.

I opened the door and offered her my hand. Her warmth was calming, I couldn’t be angry when she was holding my hand. If I had it my way, I would carry her up the stairs over to Carlisle’s office and demand a full X-ray of her shoulder. But I stayed there, close by her side as we ascended the stairs in case. I knew she wasn’t as fragile as a flower, but my feelings for her forced me to handle her as such.

“Carlisle, will you please take a look at Bella’s shoulder?” I asked.

“Of course.” He said, leading her into his office, Esme’s mind was a mix of excitement for me and concern for her. Carlisle was completely consumed by medical jargon and recollections of anatomical diagrams.

I had resigned to waiting outside, for them to be done, but a stray hand tugged at my sleeve. “Please will you stay with me?” Bella asked, I was unable to say no to her normally, but the expression she gave me turned me to mush.

Carlisle insisted she had a bruised muscle, no dislocation, no risk of a break or a fracture. The rational part of my brain was convinced that she would be alright. But I couldn’t help but look at her out of the corner of my eye as she leaned against me sipping a cup of tea Esme had made for her, looking for changes in her expression to indicate any pain. “It's wonderful to meet you, Bella,” Esme said. She felt completely sympathetic and connected on a spiritual level. She was Bella at one point, contending with a relationship with a vampire, it seemed not so long ago.
“You too. And thank you Carlisle for taking a look at me.” She said, perfectly polite.

“It’s my pleasure,” Carlisle said, beaming with pride. “Bella, you have to understand that anyone who Edward cares about so much is also someone that we care about.”

She nodded and tightened her grip around my arm. She looked up at me, “Edward told me about everything and I intend to do my best to protect you in any way I can.”

“Thank you for your consideration. I know our situation is…unique.” Esme said, putting it as gently as possible. “We have our complete trust in you.”

“Maybe I will give Bella a small tour?” I asked, her heart rate was increasing, she was nervous, being in a house full of vampires.

“Perfect,” Carlisle said, also standing. “Bella, it was very nice to meet you.”

As we left the room, I heard them reminiscing. {She reminds me so much of Esme, those wide eyes taking in everything at once.} Carlisle thought. {Edward seems to be taken with her.} Esme thought, trying to contain her giddiness. “Sorry about them,” I said, placing a hand on the small of Bella’s back, and guiding her up to my room.

“No, they were lovely.” She assured me. She thought for a moment. “You could tell that I was nervous couldn’t you?”

I shrugged. I opened the door to my room allowing her to enter first and closed the door behind me.

“I thought you couldn’t read my mind,” she said, stepping dangerously close to me. She had me pressed up against the back of the door.

“I can’t, but I can hear your heart rate, your cheeks too,” I admitted.

She pressed her hand to her face, concealing the rosiness. It was impossibly cute.

“So this is your room?” She asked, looking around. “No bed?”

“No, I-uh, don’t sleep.”

“Like at all?”

I shook my head. “It's a vampire thing.”

She took a whirl around the room, examining my bookcases filled with music and various books. I watched her intently. Soon, I was back up against the wall, she was pressing her lips to mine frantically, almost as if it was the last time she would ever see me. I indulged myself for a moment, getting caught up in the moment, reveling in how much she trusted me. But I forced myself to pull away. “Bella, Bella.” I held her back only for a moment. “Not here.”

“What?” She looked confused, disappointed even.

“They can hear us.” I gestured with my head down to Esme and Carlisle.

“Oh.”

I smiled, forming an idea in my head. I wanted her badly. In one motion I pulled her thighs up with my hands. She squirmed for a moment, but as soon as she opened her mouth in protest I pushed through the glass double doors directly across from us out into the forest. I cradled her against me so no leaves or pine needles would poke her even if she flailed around. I found a high enough branch, far enough away for Esme and Carlisle not to hear. I placed her gently on it so she could hold onto the trunk of the tree. I kept one hand on her, my feet finding purchase on the branch below. I could never let her fall, but one of her hands still clawed at my shoulder, bracing for balance. “Edward!” She exclaimed.

“I’ve got you,” I whispered, pulling myself closer to her. I placed my hand on her hips, feeling the soft curves of her lower body. “Here is better.” She pulled my face up to look at hers. I pressed a kiss to her mouth, exploring with my tongue, being careful to keep my fangs far away from her flesh. It was the most passion I had felt in my miserable existence, I felt myself already becoming hard as I pressed her body up against mine. I pressed a line of kisses along her neck, down her chest. My hands explored her as well, her lower back, her hips, my hands seemed naturally to land on her waistband.“Can I?” I whispered.

She nodded frantically. Again, before I touched her anymore I looked at her, she looked nervous maybe even a little self-conscious, but nodded again.

I inched my fingers down, slipping them inside of her. Her back arched as I began to rub slowly at first, but increasing in speed second by second. She was wet and hot and somehow softer than I ever imagined. Eliciting such a response from her was gratifying, I wanted nothing more than to give her pleasure.

“Edward.” Her heavenly voice moaned, pressing herself against my fingers. She moved a hand to the back of my head, her touch was intense, and every place her fingertips grazed seemed to be hyper-sensitive, it was an intensity I had never experienced before. I could barely control my body. She was everything I needed.

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

My body had completely given over to instinct, I didn’t care anymore about how self-conscious I was, in that state, it was easy to ignore the booming voice in the back of my head. All I cared about was him, and his touch, he seemed to know exactly where I needed to be touched, caressed, and kissed. I could barely breathe the pleasure was too much for my human brain to comprehend. His fingers glided easily over my flesh in an intense rhythmic pattern. Finally, it culminated in an explosion, every part of my brain lighting up at once to experience the pleasure he elicited. I gripped his shoulder and his hand both for fear of falling, but also to brace myself as I shuttered against him. My thighs were wet, my chest was heaving, and he was looking at me as if I were the most beautiful girl in the world.

I took a moment to catch my breath. “Your turn?” I asked, moving my hand to unbutton his pants.

“Wait Bella I-” He stopped me. “I want to, really badly.” He admitted a smile graced his lips. “I just don’t know how much control I will have when I’m…you know. I don’t want to hurt you.”
I felt myself blush. “Oh.” I was glad he couldn’t read my mind, especially at that moment, a few bruises didn't seem like a good enough excuse to not. “Ok…I’m willing to try though, at whatever pace you're comfortable of course.”

He cradled my face with one hand and pressed a kiss to my lips. “Did you like it?” He asked.

I nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah, I. It was- I really liked it.” I suddenly shivered as wind chilled my skin. I looked around at the tree branches surrounding us. My stomach dropped and my breath caught, realizing just how high I was up off of the ground. I could see the tops of other trees and the mountains in the background. I threw my hands around his neck with a grip that would choke a normal person. I had been too occupied previously to notice my fear. “We’re really high up aren’t we?”

He giggled. “You're scared.”

“A little,” I admitted.

“Close your eyes. I’ve got you.” I felt his hand on my lower back, guiding me towards him. I wrapped my legs around his middle so there was no way I could fall. I was sure he wouldn’t let me. I squeezed my eyes shut. “Deep breath.” I followed his instructions, suddenly we were moving, and my stomach lurched up like the moment you drop on a roller coaster. The wind roared in my ears and I somehow found the strength to grip him tighter.

Edward dropped me off at my apartment not much later, it was completely vacated when I entered, which I was grateful for. I was completely exhausted from having my life turned upside down and back again. I stripped off my clothes sunk under the warm comforter and fell almost immediately into a deep sleep.

I woke a few hours later, there was still a small amount of light emanating from the sky. I heard Angela’s music playing from the kitchen. I checked the time on my phone, 3 missed calls from Mom. “Hi, Mom.” I said as soon as she picked up. “Sorry, I missed you-”

“Bella, why didn’t you pick up? I was so worried.” She was a little breathless.

“Sorry, I fell asleep. It was a long week at school.” More like a long 24 hours.

“I never know why you picked that school, you’re so smart Bella, you could have gone to school anywhere you wanted.”

“Full ride is kind of hard to say no to,” I said. I was sure there was a school in Florida or Arizona I could have attended at a similar discount. But selfishly I didn’t know how much of her after living with Charlie, I was used to living life without a constant stream of commentary. The times that I did spend with her, by the end I couldn’t wait to leave.

“I suppose. I just called to ask how it was going with your weight loss?”

“Okay. I've lost...a bit.”

“I’m proud of you. You gotta keep with it.” I didn't want to talk to her about numbers, the idea of doing so made my mouth go dry.

“How’s Phil?” He usually wasn’t my favorite topic of conversation, but I felt the sweat bead on my forehead. I felt the feelings of inadequacy creep back up. I hated it, I felt like a prisoner in my body, if only I could just be a normal weight it would save me so much grief.

“Ah, he’s alright. To be honest I haven’t seen him very much, you know it's all practice and games.” There was an edge to her voice. My heart sank, she was lonely in Jacksonville. I’m sure she was spiraling just as I would, throwing herself into research on how to lose the minuscule amount of fat that was left on her body. I worried for her.

“Oh, well tell him I said hi. I admit I was a little unsavory to him before I went to Forks.” He shared my mother’s obsession with fitness, I remember the second he moved in he banned all forms of carbs.

“Oh, he got over it. How much grace can I expect from a teenage girl?”

I laughed, something I wasn’t used to when speaking with my mother. This was one of those glimpses of normalcy, how mothers and daughters should act towards each other. “I suppose he wasn’t so bad. But you should tell him to take a night off.” I nudged.

“You’re right, alright Bella, have a good evening dear.”

“You too Mom.”

It all strangely felt so pointless. 20 pounds wasn’t going to change how I felt about my insecurities, they would always be there. It still felt like a dream, but somehow Edward wanted to be with me, and I knew that 20 pounds in either direction wouldn’t ake him want me anymore or less. But it was just a few more weeks, I could do nearly anything for a few weeks.

I still couldn’t bring myself to watch a Francesca Walsh video, though I did pick a different one called “Pilates 30 Minutes for weight loss.” I changed quickly into a sports bra and a pair of shorts and played it.

I laid on my bed, trying to summon the strength to get up and shower. My legs felt like jelly and I was attempting to catch my breath. I heard a knock, not at my door but at my window. I whipped my head in that direction to find a face staring back at me. I jumped a foot and a half in the air before I realized the face belonged to Edward. I shakily went over to the window and opened it. “Oh my god!” I exclaimed to him, being steadied by his grasp. “You could like give me a heads up, maybe a text?”

“Sorry.” He pulled me into a hug. “It's easy not to hide when I'm around you.”

I felt self-conscious, the sweat, my exposed midriff pressing against his cold hard exterior. “Sorry, I was just about to shower,” I said.

“Sounds good, I’ll come with.” He said eagerly.

I giggled. “No, I-I’ll just be a few minutes.”

“Okay.” He pressed a kiss to my lips. I hastily found my towel and pjs and stumbled to the bathroom.
I checked myself in the mirror.. I felt my hip bones, feeling how far I had to push to get to them. I lifted my arm above my head and examined my ribs poking through my skin. I returned quickly after putting my hoodie and sweatpants on and combing through my hair. He was perched on the edge of my bed smiling when I walked through the door. I walked over to him, and he attempted to pull me onto his lap, but I covertly slid down next to him, our hands intertwined. “Is everything okay? I didn’t even ask why you came.” I lowered my head onto his shoulder.

“Yes, I suppose I was just being paranoid. You know, spiraling thinking about all the monsters out there that could so easily get to you…I know it's irrational.”

“You don’t have to worry. I’ve somehow made it 21 years without being hexed by a witch.”

“I know, but I will anyway.”

I shook my head, but I supposed I generally benefited from Edward being nearly indestructible. I didn’t have to worry that he would die in a car crash or from falling off a cliff. If he was a human and as clumsy as I was I would have been a nervous wreck. “Do you want to stay here tonight?” It sounded more sexual than I intended.

“I’ve been unendingly curious. Only if you’ll have me of course.”

I pondered it for a minute, "It sounds kind of boring, watching me sleep.”

“Nothing you could do is boring.” He said, and lifted my legs and cradled my back pushing me back playfully onto the mattress, I stifled a giggle with my hand over my mouth. I looked deeply into his eyes, getting lost in them before being consumed with the feeling of complete desire for him. I let a few guys stick their dick in me on a few occasions over the past few years, until that morning I had thought that I would never really feel pleasure from anyone's touch other than my own. But he shattered that false belief. His touch was electric and elicited a response from my body which I wasn’t used to. Our bodies quickly slipped into a natural feeling position. My arms and legs were tangled around him, my head rested on his chest, and he gently played with the hair on the back of my head. The melody he was humming produced a low vibration from his chest which quickly lulled me to sleep.

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

I laid completely still, which was easy, except for of course my right arm and hand which continued to caress the back of her hair. I had been right, the more time I spent with her the easier it was to resist. Her scent was overpowering, filling every inch of my lungs, I barely felt the ache at the back of my throat, I had become used to it. I felt myself closing my eyes, even once for a few hours, feeling the rhythmic in and out of her breath every few seconds showering me with more of her wonderful scent. Her warmth was relaxing, like the sun, if I could have slept I would have easily. Dawn came quickly, truthfully I could have laid there for days with her, stroking her hair, listening to her breath, watching her eyes flicker every so often wondering what she was dreaming about, hoping it was pleasant.

I tried to remember the dreams I used to have. I had very few memories from my time as a human, most of them leading up to my turning, I could only really recall one I had as a young child, 4 or 5 years old. I wasn’t even sure if it was a dream, it could have really happened or been some morphing of reality and fiction. I was walking with my father across a river, it was frozen solid and had been for months, everything was white, the sky, the ground, the trees. Then suddenly from seemingly out of nowhere a flock of bluebirds appeared, they were a brilliant saturated blue color that looked unreal to my eyes. My father picked me up and placed me on his shoulders and we watched them flit around for a few minutes until disappearing into the distance. I remembered how I was fascinated with the way my breath turned to steam in the cold air. I remembered looking forward to a hot drink when we returned home. I remembered the numbness of my cheek, the only part of my skin that was exposed, everything else was wrapped tightly in layers of winter clothes.

I hadn’t thought about that in a long time, at one point it had seemed pointless to dwell on my human life. I would never be human again, but now I cursed myself for forgetting what it was like to be human. I had to continually remind myself of the limitations of humans, that they couldn’t move as fast as vampires, that they needed breaks and food and water, but it was too easy to be myself around her, I seemed to forget everything except for me and her.

She began to fidget, I guessed it was her beginning to wake up. I felt my heart sore when she squeezed herself tighter into my chest. My coldness didn’t seem to be off-putting to her, she accepted me for who I was even at the times when I couldn’t. I watched as her eyelashes fluttered open and then closed again. “Good morning,” I whispered.
She groaned, “Good morning,” she said in a small raspy voice. I waited for a few minutes for her to wake up more, rubbing eyes and stretching and heavy sighs were a welcome scene. “I can’t believe you stayed here all night. I would accomplish so much more if I didn’t have to sleep.”

“I’ve had a hundred years of nights to do things, here is right where I want to be.” I leaned in to press a kiss to her lips.

“Wait- morning breath.” She said sitting up, avoiding my kiss.

“I don’t care.” I gently pulled her towards me, enough to be playful but not actually change her position.

“Well, I do.” She was up and to the bathroom before I could protest. I laid back down on her pillow and pulled out the phone from my back pocket to see missed calls from Alice and Carlisle. It wasn’t a good sign. I called Carlisle immediately.

“What is it, Carlisle?”

“It's Jas, they’ve returned.” He said, though his voice was less than thrilled.

“There’s something wrong.” I was happy that Jas returned both because I enjoyed their company generally, but also because Alice would be thrilled, it was difficult for anyone especially vampires to be away from someone they love.

“It seems they’ve had a worse lapse than we originally thought. We need to discuss measures to keep everyone safe.”

My stomach dropped. Bella entered the room at that very moment, the scent of her blood mixed with minty toothpaste wafting in my direction. If Jas was fresh from feeding even on a few humans it would be very difficult for them to resist living in such proximity to humans, as we did. Even being in the same room as Bella could pose an incredible threat to her life, especially since she smelled so incredibly good. “Where are they now?” I asked, feeling the anxiety rise in me. Jas was a master of tracking, even better in hand-to-hand combat with other vampires, their “upbringing” as we call it, the first few decades of a vampire's immortal life, was entirely consumed with those two activities. I was fast, but I worried if came down to it, I would never stand a chance against them, I couldn’t protect Bella. She sat down next to me, looking intently at me, noticing the tension of my expression I was sure.

“Alice and Emmet are with them, hunting.” That doesn't guarantee anything, if anyone could persuade Jas from giving into instinct it was Alice, Emmet was of course incredibly strong even for a vampire, but if Jas really wanted to they could slip out of their grasp and come for Bella.

If I had a choice in the matter I would take Bella as far away from Forks as possible, to avoid putting her in danger altogether. But I couldn't. It was impractical and I knew already they needed me, all of them, Jasper, Alice, Carlisle, it was the closest any vampire could get to a family. “Alright, I’m coming right now.” I clicked the phone off and looked down at her.

Her eyes were intently staring at me, checking for signs of distress. “What’s wrong?” I felt her hand close around mine, lulling me into a false sense of security.

“A couple of months ago Alice’s mate Jas lapsed, they drank a human’s blood and went AWOL after that. Carlisle just told me that they have returned, but I’m guessing that in their time away they didn’t stick to our diet. After drinking a human's blood we’re more unstable and erratic, they’re a danger to any human within a 20-mile radius. We need to figure out what we will do, how to help them detox if they can even do that in Forks.”

She placed a hand on my shoulder, instantly calming me, inexplicably assuring me that everything would work out. “You should go, your family needs you. I’ll be okay, I need to go to school anyway.”
I nodded, Jas may be bloodthirsty, but they would never risk exposure as long as she was in public he wouldn’t try anything. Any human for that matter. The odds of Jas were to slip to somehow find their way to campus and decide to drink Bella’s blood were negligible, though she did tend to have terrible luck. But I couldn’t help but hesitate to leave her. I forced myself to stand from the bed. “It should only be a few hours, but you’ll keep your phone on? Call me if anything happens, anything at all.”

“Of course. Go ahead, good luck.”

And with that, I pressed a quick kiss to her lips and was out through the window speeding towards Forks. As I approached, I heard the rapid thoughts of Esme and Carlisle, Rosalie was curiously absent. Esme was ecstatic of course to have Jas home in any state, as long as they were home. Carlisle was devising a plan, just as I was. Generally, it took at least a few years for a vampire fresh off of feeding on a human to “detox,” keep their cravings at bay enough to live in relative proximity to humans. It took practice desensitization and self-control, human blood in our systems tended to make us more erratic and emotional. Carlisle likened it to some sort of drug, it was the thing we craved the most, it made us the strongest, it gave us the most control over our gifts, the more human blood we drank the more difficult it was to stop. I had gone through the process myself when I originally decided to join Carlisle in his diet. It's not easy and involves a lot of “exposure therapy” but it is worth it if it means we do not have to kill humans to survive.

“Have you spoken to them?” I asked Carlisle, forgoing any sort of greeting.

“Briefly, it won’t be easy, but they’ve done it before. Alice will help them through it, and us of course.” {They will need to be escorted for hunts which will need to happen every few hours for the next few weeks to keep the cravings minimal.}

“What about going remote is that out of the question?” I demanded, feeling the fear rise inside of me. I had been nearly uncontrollable when I detoxed.

{We cannot uproot all of our lives, the risk of doing it here is minimal.} He watched me {I know you're worried about Bella, Jas is not a threat, we’ll keep a close eye on him.} “I believe staying here is our best option.”

I looked at Esme, and she agreed. “Strength in numbers right?” {That poor girl, she is being thrust into all of this so quickly.}

“Around December we’ll start exposing them to temptation little by little.” {Bella could be useful if she’s willing.} He thought passingly as a half-formed idea, not really giving it much weight.
Usually, I disregarded these thoughts, they did not actually reflect intentions or actions, but I couldn’t disregard using Bella as human bait for Jas. “Absolutely not! That is out of the question.” I tried to control the volume of my voice, it was difficult to keep it even. To think of Bella exposed to any vampire in that state, drawing her blood just to see if they could resist. It sent a knife right through my stomach. I wanted her far away until I knew Jas could control their thirst.

“Edward, Jas is still Jas, they don’t want to hurt anyone.” Carlisle pleaded.

“I know, but I can’t endanger her any more than I already have. She’s too important.” I forced my voice to sound rational.

Esme’s mind shimmered with a bit of hope. She had watched me for decades make so few human connections, she was glad I had something, someone to latch onto. “Maybe you should avoid bringing her to the house for a few months.” Esme didn’t want Bella to get hurt, of course, but my reaction had tipped her off to just how precious she was to me, she wanted to protect her too.
Our preliminary plan was to propose a sort of watch to ensure no harm would come to anyone in case Jas snapped and decided to slaughter the entire town, detoxing can do that to a vampire. The first few weeks of detox are the most difficult, when every fiber of your body wants to sink your teeth into the flesh of an unsuspecting human and you know the fire at the back of your throat can only be quenched by one thing. At all times it feels as though the thread of self-control could snap at any moment. 24-hour shifts at the house, 2 people per shift, hunting every few hours in the opposite direction of Forks. Alice would of course want to be there for nearly every shift, which was an advantage as generally, she could catch glimpses of what would happen. Carlisle would cut back on the shifts at the hospital at least for the month of November, Esme, Rosalie, and Emmet had taken a rather relaxed position in human society this time around so they had very few obligations. I would do as much as I could, I could get away with skipping classes on the days I needed to watch. I would have a harder time staying away from Bella as I wanted to spend every free moment I could with her. But, Jas needed me so I would be there. That was of course if they were willing to agree to this scheme. There was no point in trying to detox someone who didn’t want to be. I would have to see for myself.

I waited, along with everyone else. Carlisle, Esme, and Rosalie joined us to welcome Jas and the rest of them back and tell them of our scheme. I checked my phone, no calls from Bella, which I couldn’t tell if I was relieved about or not. My heart pulled me to check up, but I didn’t want to interrupt her classes, so I refrained from texting her.

I heard Alice’s thoughts even before I heard the rhythmic beat of three pairs of feet hitting the ground. She was ecstatic, nervous, worried, and many other emotions which seemed to make her on edge, and jumpy. Emmet was trained on Jas, watching their every movement. Jas’s thoughts were thinking solely of two things, stopping their body from starting in a full-on sprint towards Forks and draining a human of their blood and of course Alice. {She probably despises me for what I’ve done.} They thought about looking over at her, but couldn’t bring their eyes to start the motion.
“They’re nearly here,” I said. We all gathered at the front of the house for an official greeting. I strained my eyes to see into the expansive darkness of the forest. It was always alive with sounds and smells and minute vibrations in the ground. The squawking and chirping of a hundred different kinds of birds, the scurry of rabbits and squirrels, of course, the occasional indication of a larger animal, a bobcat or bear. Even the plants, Alice swore she could hear them, the water moving up from the roots to the leaves, I wasn’t convinced. Despite the constant input of information to my senses, it always seemed to calm me, unlike the buzz of thoughts from even a small group. I allowed myself to be lost for a moment in the ambiance of the forest, for just a moment, the calm before the storm, before all of this imminent danger that seemed to follow us wherever we went.

Then, far in the distance, 3 pairs of eyes appeared, 2 were golden bright from a fresh hunt. In the middle of them were two scarlet red irises.

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

It was easy to live in the moment when nearly every day I woke up to Edward’s perfect face, his arms wrapped delicately around me. On the days he wasn't there he would meet me at school, waiting patiently at the bus stop and immediately slip his hand to mine and we would walk to class together. In between classes and work-study, we would meet at the coffee shop or in the library and try to get work done. After school on the days he wasn’t helping with his family's situation we would do something, go to a bookstore and walk around and not buy anything, or go on walks, or watch movies in my room wrapped up in each other. Angela and Jessica got used to him, even Mike seemed to begin to tolerate him.

The insecurities that I felt each day seemed to fade away, as I realized I only cared about the opinions of the people who mattered to me, and I knew that it didn’t matter to them what I looked like. At first, I found Edward’s desire for me confounding, I always thought of my weight as an obstacle, something that he had to overlook to want to be with me, but he seemed to like the parts of me that I found the most abhorrent. My hips which should have been smooth but instead dipped and valleyed, my thighs which were covered in cellulite, even the rolls on my back. He savored every part of me like it was the last time he would touch me. I always thought I would have to change to find someone like him. I would have to “lose the weight” and then I would find someone who would love me. But, he showed I was lovable all along, even if I gained weight he would still find me attractive because it was me.

I was sure he was sick of the constant assurance I needed, that I looked okay, that there wasn’t a part of my body that he didn’t want to see and that he wasn’t embarrassed to be out in public with me. But the only thing I had to worry about was spending the night alone on the days he needed to be home. I had even stopped writing down my calories, I just began eating what I wanted when I was around him. But when he wasn't there, the thoughts of inadequacy always seemed to come back.

His vampirism was something I had to come to terms with, and considering it very much altered my understanding of reality, I think I accepted it pretty well. There were things in this world that were irrational, that defied a modern understanding of the natural world, but he existed. Immortal beings roamed the earth, thirsting for human blood, most of them hunting and killing humans, some of them taking their hand at creating new vampires for companionship or to wage wars against other covens. Some of them had special abilities, Edward hypothesized that these gifts were things exhibited in their human lives and brought them into their immortal life. Alice was the only Cullen I had met, as they had collectively deemed stepping foot near Jas could lead to an opportunity for him to drink my blood and therefore undo all of the progress they had made. So I stayed away, but I was dying to meet all of them.

I had previously made plans to stay with Charlie for Thanksgiving break, Charlie was a horrible cook and probably would have poisoned himself trying to recreate what I made every year. So I would text him a list of everything I needed for him to shop for, I would leave school early in the morning, to arrive in Forks at a reasonable time to have the food ready by 1 or 2 and we would watch the game together. I would then drive back that night with a few containers of leftovers. Thanksgiving was prime time for family reunions and trips home from college, meaning there would be people I knew from high school, which meant I avoided public places at all costs. I think Charlie knew that, although he didn’t know everything that happened, he knew I had a hard time in high school and had very little interest in stirring up any old memories.

But with Edward in the picture, it was different, he would be just a 15-minute drive away from me, so staying at Charlie’s for one night turned into two, which turned into me staying for the whole break. My anxieties about seeing my old classmates were present as I packed my bag, but they seemed distant, enough a part of the background noise to ignore it.
“Bella, do you think the almond milk will go bad? Is it like normal milk or…” Jessica yelled from the kitchen. She was doing us the courtesy of cleaning out the fridge as all three of us would vacate our apartment and presumably, we would all be bringing home leftovers so coming home to a fairly empty fridge would be nice.
“Check the date on it!” I yelled back.

“Angela said the expiry date is fake, so that you’ll buy more!”

“I mean, we can always throw it out if it goes bad!” I said, hearing a tap at my window. It was Edward, who somehow was able to grip onto the side of the apartment, it was sort of his thing. He said he didn’t like having to wait for me to buzz him in and preferred the faster “Spiderman” method. I opened the window for him and quickly closed the door. “Hey,” I whispered, walking over to him and allowing his arms to wrap around my waist and pull me into him.

“Hey.” He gave me a peck. “I missed you.”

“I saw you yesterday, I think it's been exactly 24 hours, down to the minute,” I said, giving him an accusatory expression. He had 24-hour shifts to make sure that Jas didn’t have a slip-up. I had called him before I went to bed the night before, as I did every night we were apart. To me, the absence was something I paid very little mind to, but I was sure, that without sleep or school (he skipped) it must have felt longer.

“I’m excited for the break. We can do whatever you want.” He sat down on my bed, keeping a hand on my hip.

“It’s your break too, we should do something you want,” I said I knew he liked indulging me. But sometimes I felt like he wasn’t participating in life, that he was happy to watch me from the sidelines.
“I just want to be together. We could do anything and I would be deliriously happy.” I pressed a deeper kiss than before to his lips. The butterflies and racing heart were still there, as they had been since I first met him, I guessed it would stay there forever. But, I had gotten used to it, and even welcomed the feeling because it meant I was with him.

“I think I’ll have to tell Charlie about us,” I said, envisioning what the break would be like, since it was too cold to hike, most activities would need to be indoors which meant Edward would have to at some point enter my house, preferably through the front door. “It’s a good thing that you’re essentially indestructible.”

“You don’t think Charlie will like me?” He asked.

“Charlie doesn’t really like people in general…especially strange possibly vampiric boys dating his daughter.”

“That’s certainly understandable. Um- your phone.” He said pointing over to my desk. I would have completely missed it without Edwards's superpowered hearing.

“Hi Bells. What time you planning on getting here?”

“I’ll leave in an hour maybe? So I’ll probably be there around 6:00?”

“Sounds good, can I get you something to-go from Ruby’s? I don’t want you to have to cook after the drive.”

“Um,” I swallowed, wracking my brain for their menu. “The chicken caesar wrap?”

“Sounds good. I’ll see you-”

“Um, actually Dad.” I interrupted him. “I want to tell you something.” I took a deep breath. “I started dating this guy. I don’t know if you know his family, they actually live just outside of Forks. He’s also going home for Thanksgiving and I was wondering if, during the break, you’d like to meet him?” I held my breath.
“A boyfriend?” He grumbled. “I- uh. I- Well you like him? Is he treating you right and everything?”

“Yeah, I do really like him. He’s really a great guy.” I felt myself blushing. I looked over at Edward who gave me an encouraging smile.

“Well, I’d like to meet him, if he’s important to you.”

“He is, Dad.” Charlie was not the most emotional person, but I knew him well enough to know that he showed his acceptance and love in small ways, quick nods of approval, pats on the shoulder, and envelopes of cash left on the steering wheel of the truck.

“Well, I’ll so you when you get in. Drive safe Bells.”

“Yeah, see you in a bit Dad. Bye.”

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

“You talk to Jacob anymore?” Charlie asked
.
I whipped my head out from my book, I was easily tuning out the game playing on TV. It had been like this since I was a kid, I would read my book and he would watch the game, making occasional conversation. It wasn’t the traditional setup, Mom and Dad and two and a half kids sitting around a dinner table, but nothing about us was traditional. I bristled slightly at the mention of Jacob's name, not that Charlie would have any way of knowing. “No, not really,” I mumbled.

He grunted, “Well, he’s in town I guess, back from whatever school he goes to in California. Billy couldn’t shut up about it for weeks.
”
I smiled weekly and buried my face back in my book, hoping he would drop the subject. He didn’t seem to notice.

“I mean...Billy doesn’t have a great kitchen, and I doubt either of them could cook for shit. So I was thinking of inviting Jake and him to have Thanksgiving with us.”

“Um…I-I uh…o-okay.” I couldn’t make my brain form a cohesive thought let alone my mouth. I didn’t want to tell Charlie what happened in high school, not yet anyway. But he could pry if I told him no. For all he knew we were just two kids who had drifted apart over time.

“You sure?”

I nodded once, trying to figure out a way out of the situation, feigning illness, slipping out the backdoor and running into the woods, telling Charlie some elaborate lie that would take me back to school. None of them seemed good. The only way to make the situation marginally better would be if Edward were there. But that would mean I would have to tell him the single most humiliating story of my life. He would know exactly what Jacob was thinking. "Yeah, Dad,” I said trying to pretend I didn’t want to curl up into a ball and disappear into nothing.

“Okay, Bells.”

*********************************************************************************

“Bella come on just eat it.” Edward was insistent in a tone I had never heard him use with me.

I looked down at the table, a plate stacked with a thick slice of chocolate cake. It looked wonderful, complete with chocolate frosting and a cherry on top. I couldn’t do it, I couldn’t bring myself to eat a single bite. I imagined the sweet rich taste coating my mouth and throat, taking away the bitter astringentes that come with an empty stomach.

“I- I can’t,” I said, trying to hold back the already forming tears from flowing down my cheeks. It was stupid, I was being stupid. I should have just been able to eat it, but I was scared, I could only estimate how many calories were in it.

“You’re already fat Bella, how much more damage could it do? I mean might as well dig your hole deeper.” Jacob was across from me. I couldn’t deny he was right. That split second before I ate something it was always an internal battle if I should just give up and eat whatever I wanted and be bedridden and 500 pounds or give in to the eating disorder voice and be thin but miserable.
“You’re being ridiculous Bella!” Edward yelled at me.

A lump formed in my throat. “I’m sorry Edward,” I whispered. I got up to run away from everything, everyone, just to escape.

*********************************************************************************

I woke up covered in sweat, my heart pounding, my limbs felt shaky. I knew it was just a dream, but I had a hard time believing it as I wiped the tears from my face. I immediately reached over to the other side of the bed for Edward, but it was empty. I had forgotten during the ride to Forks I had insisted he be with his family that night. It seemed as though he was spending all of his free time with me. I wanted to leave him be and not be a needy girlfriend, but the jitteriness in my body seemed to win over and I ended up calling him.

“Hello?” A woman answered his phone.

“Alice?” I recognized her high-pitched cheery voice from the few interactions I had with her. “Is everything okay? Why didn’t Edward answer?”

“Oh, he’s hunting with Jas. I saw it was you and wanted to pick up in case it was an emergency. I know humans generally aren’t up at this hour. Which is really a shame, the moon is beautiful tonight and you can actually see it for a change. We should really go for a night stroll sometime while you’re here. I need to get to know you, the human my fake brother spends so much time with. He really is quite taken with you Bella, I-oh gosh I’m sorry, is everything okay? I didn’t even ask you.”

I rubbed my eyes trying to process her rapid-fire speech. “Um- yeah. I just…I had a bad dream.” I admitted.

“Oh...well, I expect him back any minute, but would you like to talk about it?” She asked calmly. “I’ve heard that helps.”

I normally wouldn’t have been open to sharing such personal things with an acquaintance, but like when I first met Edward, I felt a sense of trust between us. “I’ve been wanting to tell Edward for a while, but I guess I’m worried about how it will affect him, I feel like he’s already worried about me 24/7. And I guess I’m kind of embarrassed as well. But um since high school I’ve had trouble with disordered eating. And sometimes it's okay and sometimes it feels like it's out of control." I paused and took a breath. "But, I just had this awful dream where Edward was yelling at me to just eat and I couldn’t. I know Edward would never in a million years do that. I guess it might just be being at home, and I guess I’ve been stressed lately.” I closed my mouth, realizing how much I had dumped on her, and how good it felt to tell someone. She was the first person I had really talked to about it, and I felt like the pit in my stomach shrunk just a little bit.
“I don’t think it's anything to be embarrassed about. I’ve heard a lot of people deal with the same kind of stuff. And Edward does stuff that’s a thousand times more embarrassing than anything you could ever do.” We both laughed.

I was grateful to have a smile on my face. “Like what?”

“He and Emmet get up to all sorts of stupid shenanigans. Like one time they accidentally nearly convinced a group of biologists studying the wolf packs in northern Canada that aliens were systematically picking off the sick and old members of the pack. It made local news.”

“I’ll have to ask him about it.”

“I know he worries a lot, but it's because you’re so precious to him. I think if anything he would want to just understand so that he can be there for you when you need him.” She said delicately. “Don’t worry, I won’t let him on to anything that you told me, I’ve gotten pretty good at hiding thoughts from him.

I felt like an idiot. “Oh- I’m sorry, I didn’t even think about that.”

She laughed. “Bella, it's okay. It's easy, I just have to play any Mozart song in my head which distracts him until he storms out of the room in frustration. He hates Mozart, well he doesn't hate him, it's just his songs are too catchy. Plus these days he’s too distracted anyways, constantly checking his phone if you’ve texted him, wondering what you’re doing and how you are feeling, if you’ve somehow miraculously sliced open an artery on a piece of paper and are bleeding out in the ER, if he’s finally scared you off and you never want to speak to him again. I’ve heard it all. Don’t tell him I told you all of this.”

My face grew hot as she rambled on. “I won’t,” I promised, though I had the advantage of him not being able to read my mind.

“We really need to have a girl’s night. I don’t think Rosalie would join us, but Esme of course would love to do anything, a spa day, or a shopping spree, or- oh my goodness going to the antique fair in the spring, that would be glorious. Esme prefers mid-century pieces, though some of us, Carlisle, insist on keeping older sentimental relics which messes with her aesthetic. Nonetheless, she has been looking for a fainting couch for the sunroom, it still looks quite bare, even with all the plants she’s filled it with.”

“I’m afraid I’m not really one for interior design, but I’d love to spend time with you and her.”

“Wonderful, I’ll tell her ASAP. Would you like me to stay on the phone until Edward and Jas return?” She squeaked.

“No, that’s okay. I feel better after talking to you. Thank you, Alice. You know exactly what to say.”

“It was my pleasure, I’m always here to talk about anything, and I mean that. Sleep well Bella, I’ll tell Edward that you called."

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

I clung to her windowsill and tapped the glass. There didn’t seem to be a way to not startle her in the process. Nonetheless, she opened the door to let me into her childhood bedroom, complete with light green wallpaper, a purple bedspread, an overflowing dresser of clothes, and of course stacks of books piled on the desk, on the floor, taking up any inch of untraversed pace. It was exactly as I had expected. I pulled her into an embrace followed by pressing kiss after kiss to her skin before she erupted in giggles and playfully pleaded for me to stop. It had not been even 72 hours since our drive down to Forks, but I still felt I was in great need of some Bella time.

I fell onto her bed, burying my face in her pillow which was infused with her scent. I turned to face her and beckoned her over, she easily slid into bed next to me, tucked against my shoulder. I instantly let go of every stress I had to deal with since I had dropped her off. The constant repetitive frantic thoughts of Alice and Carlisle, having to so intently focus on Jas’s every thought, Esme’s constant worry, Rosalie's constant grumbling monologue. It was exhausting, but with her, it was quiet and I could just listen to the music of her body, inhale, exhale the beating of her heart and the…. “Is your Dad home?” I asked. Something, someone was walking downstairs. I pressed, trying to listen for thoughts. Nothing.

“Um, yeah I’m pretty sure he hasn’t left for the station yet. Why?”

“I-I can’t.” One last attempt, straining my brain to find even a half-formed thought. “I don’t think I can hear your Dad’s thoughts either.” I looked down at Bella. “You must have inherited it from him.”
“Really? I didn’t know it was a genetic thing.”

“I suppose it can be, at least in your case.”

I wrapped my arms around her, gently pulling her closer to me. Every day I discovered new things about her that made her more confounding and intriguing.
“Did Alice tell you I called last night?” She asked sweetly.

“She did. I’m sorry I missed you, I usually leave my phone at the house when I go hunting.” Alice had been rather vague about Bella’s call, even more, she was hiding some of her thoughts from me.
“Yeah, it was nice to talk to her, but I wanted to tell you something.”

“Anything,” I said, stroking her gently with my fingertips. I felt the tension in her muscles.

“I tried calling you yesterday because I had a nightmare. You were there and this guy Jacob from high school was also in it. There was some food in front of me and both of you were just yelling at me to eat it and I couldn’t. I couldn’t eat it knowing how many calories were in it.” She paused. I had to actively loosen my grip which was instinctively tightening around her, there were tears already forming in her eyes. “Since I was a kid I have had issues with eating and food, and eating too much or eating not enough and I think I just wanted it to all go away. In high school, I even had to go to some treatment for it, and it was awful and I don’t even think it really worked. But, I guess I kind of just healed myself. I mean it's really hard, but I have been coping. Then last night Charlie said that he wanted to invite Jacob and his Dad to Thanksgiving and I said yes even though I really don't want him there. Jacob was kind of awful to me in high school. Charlie doesn’t know so I don’t blame him. I just wish that I could have…I don’t know...told him at least that I didn’t want Jacob there. I wish I could have told you sooner, but I was just really embarrassed. But I just wanted you to know.” She was fidgeting, her cheeks were flush.

I sat up with her hand in mine. My heart was breaking for her and what she had been through. I had been around long enough to at least partially understand disordered eating. It was rampant among high school and college students, it greatly affected self-esteem and could have a serious effect on long-term health. I naively thought that she just didn’t take compliments well and was insecure because of the way thinness is so prized in society. “I’m sorry that you have to go through that.” I didn’t want her to be in any sort of pain. I wanted to take it all away if I could. But I couldn’t, not even with my vampire abilities. “I love you so much, it scares me sometimes, that I would literally do anything to make you safe and happy. I may not be the most intuitive, but anything you need, just tell me and I will do everything in my power to make it happen.”

“I love you too, Edward. Thank you." She paused. “It's way too early to say the l-word.” She joked.

“If it wasn’t against social norms I would have told you much earlier,” I admitted.

“How much earlier?” She inquired.

“Maybe the second or third class we had together.” I was barely exaggerating.

“You creep.” She said, swatting me on the shoulder. “And you’re over a hundred years old?”

I nodded. “I should be on some sort of list.”

I pressed another kiss to her lips and quickly felt the urge to kiss every inch of her. I wanted to memorize the topography of her body with my mouth. I gave into my instincts, I could make the excuses I needed to satiate the human part of me, the part of me that longed for connection to her. “Edward.” She giggled as I made my way down her neck, across her collarbone to her shoulder. I could feel the rise in her heart rate and the quickening of her breath and the heat radiating from her skin which made me never want to let go of her for as long as I existed. All the hurt and the pain that I was now privy to could never be erased, but if I could give her new memories maybe that could help. Not to mention I had to hold my desire in line, especially in moments like those if she had it her way…well. “Please, Edward. Can we try?” She moaned almost on cue, the way she spoke, she inhaled and exhaled, the way she smelled, the way she pressed herself against me made me more and more desiring of her. And for some reason a switch clicked in me, I knew it was dangerous, but I turned off the rational side of my brain as I had done countless times just to be with her.
“O-okay,” I said, I needed her, like some sort of cosmic magnetic pull like for an electron to circle a nucleus or like for winter to come and go over and over.

“Really?” She was still panting, but gently wrapped her hand around the back of my head, playing with my hair as if to add insult to injury. I didn’t need convincing.

I nodded. “Just please tell me if I hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you.”

“You won’t.” Her eyes were so fervent, so trusting of me. Because of her, I had begun to believe it. I wasn’t a monster, I could be in control of my nature, I had been for a long time.

“You’re on birth control right?” I had to ask, even though everything pointed to that being impossible. I was technically dead.

She nodded.

I began removing her clothing, inch by inch, first with her t-shirt, revealing her perfect breasts. They were full and warm and impossibly soft, somehow softer than the rest of her. I traced them with the back of my knuckles as she traced my back, somehow my shirt had been removed at the same time, sending shocks up through my spine. I looked at her intently, I knew that most humans preferred to make love in the dark and night, but I couldn't imagine. I wanted to see her in every position, I wanted to watch her expression as it changed to ecstasy.
The knock at the door. “Bells! Sweetheart you up?”

“Shit,” I said inaudibly, insincerely cursing the Swan household and their genetic gift. I would have to be much more careful in this house. I couldn’t rely on the normal tools I used to keep tabs on people in the vicinity.

“One second Dad!” Bella was fumbling for her shirt. I pulled it over the top of her and dove under the bed. She popped up and opened the door. “What’s up?”

“I was just gonna head to the station. I’ll do the grocery shopping after, do you have the list?”

“Um- I- uh haven’t written it down, but I’ll text it to you.” I could hear her heart beating. She was flustered which made me smile… just a little.

“Sounds good Bells. I’ll see you tonight.”

“Yeah, have a good day Dad.”

She slowly closed the door and crouched down to spy me under the bed. “Sorry,” she whispered. I slid out but still stayed hunched over on the ground to avoid any view from the window. “Is he gone?” She asked, sitting down in front of me on the bed.

“You tell me.” I could only hear the roar of the engine from the cruiser, but it was difficult to tell how far away it was, I guessed it hadn't even left the driveway yet.

She peered over and out the window. “Yeah, he just pulled out of the driveway. I guess we’ll have to be more careful, considering you can’t hear him either.”

I sat down next to her and started the process all over again, pressing a line of kisses down her arm to her hand. “I’ll have to tell Carlisle, he’ll find it fascinating."

“Can we stop talking about our father figures??” She shifted positions, pushed me down to the bed, and straddled her legs to either side of me. Her lips insisted. “It's dusty down there.” She commented as she brushed a little dust off from my arm.

I removed her shirt again, this time I could feel her breasts pressing up against my torso. Her skin prickled with goosebumps. “Touch them, Edward.” She insisted and guided my hand up to grasp the left one. I kept my hand there but traversed my mouth over the contours of the other. It produced a reaction in her which only encouraged me. “That feels good. Keep going.”

It was beginning to be increasingly difficult to control myself and keep my movements delicate enough to not hurt her, but I continued despite my doubts. And indication of pain and I would jump up, and remove myself from her. It would be difficult, I could feel every ounce of blood coursing through her body, tiny microscopic tubes up to thick arteries protecting the precious red and white blood cells. I could almost feel the warm liquid running down my throat, coating everything in a soothing film that temporarily eased the constant dull ache that plagued every immortal. All it took was one bite, she wouldn’t even notice the pain at first, fangs are as sharp as a needle.

“E-Edward?” Her voice sounded different, not like the sound of pleasure that had been escaping her mouth. It was more like pain…I flew myself back across the room. I had felt the grip I had on her leg. I had felt first the fabric of her shorts then the skin tear under my nails and the muscles waning against my strength. I smelled the blood, a few streaks on my fingers, even more tantalizing once out of her body. I held my hand as far away from my nose as possible.

I had hurt her. Badly, enough to draw blood. I had lost concentration, for less than a second. I had allowed my thoughts to wander to places I was not proud of, where I fantasized about drinking her blood. Not to mention the bruise I knew would form in the next couple of days on her thigh where I had been squeezing like a vice grip. How long had it been before she had protested? Was she too frightened to say anything? Had I ruined everything? “I-I’m sorry Bella,” I muttered, staying as flush to the wall as possible. I held my breath to keep the smell of blood from tempting me anymore.
“It's okay Edward. It was just an accident.” She said calmly.

She was being so rational for a completely irrational situation, the one person I loved the most in this miserable existence was the person I was most capable of hurting. I was foolish thinking I could control myself. I could never control myself, and I knew even after all this, even after I injured her I would still go crawling back to her asking for forgiveness I didn’t deserve. “No, no,” I whispered. Looking over at her, the blood was sliding down her skin, painting everything in its path red.

“Edward it's okay.” She said, covering her would with her hand. I could tell she wanted to walk over to me, but she stayed put, as though she needed to comfort me. If I were a human I could so easily clean and dress her wound for her, it wouldn’t even have happened in the first place. “I’m okay, it's just a scratch.”

“I should go.” I was too disgusted with myself to stay another moment in her proximity. I left swiftly and silently through the window without looking back, without listening to her protest. She had stayed put because was scared of me, because she didn’t want to risk exposing me to the scent of more blood, because she didn’t want me to drink her blood. Carlisle was wrong, or maybe he was stronger than I, or maybe he had no regard for Esme’s safety, and it somehow all turned out miraculously, but I was dangerous. I couldn’t be trusted around her.

I disappeared through the window out into the forest.

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

He wouldn’t answer my calls or my texts. I thought about calling Alice but decided against it to spare myself trying to explain the details of the situation to her, even though they weren't actually related. All I could think about was the look on his face after he realized he had scratched me, it was a combination of anger and fear mixed with a sad acceptance, as though he was just waiting for the moment. He constantly got wrapped up in his guilt which just sank him deeper and deeper. I wanted him to know that I was alright, that accidents happen and he had saved me from countless injuries which I was so often prone to. I needed him to understand that even if there were mishaps, a scratch, or a bruise, which even happens when normal people are being physical with each other, I still wanted to be with him. Even if he never wanted to try again, we would figure out how to make it work. But I couldn’t tell him that if he wouldn’t pick up.

There wasn’t a remote chance that I could find him, knowing he would be deep in the Canadian wilderness or swimming to Hawaii or something, but I needed to at least try. So I drove and drove and called again and drove, scouring every square inch of traversable road I could think of. Except of course for the Cullen household, which I knew was off-limits for me for now at least because of the situation with Jas which I did not want to jeopardize. I decided that would be the last resort. I would allow myself a few hours, then call Alice, if she didn’t pick up, I would go to the house.

My stomach growled again, I hadn't eaten anything and made my way back into the little downtown of Forks to find something, my energy was already beginning to wain. I stopped at the gas station where the county road turned into Main Street and got some Gatorade and a bag of pretzels.

I was rushing back to my car when I heard a voice that made my stomach turn instantly. “Bella?” I turned around to see the last person I wanted to see ever. As soon as I laid eyes on him I was too angry to say anything, I simply bit my tongue and turned back in the other direction and walked as fast as I could toward the car door “Bella wait!” I felt a large hand wrap around my arm, forcing me to stop. He was incredibly strong.

“Don’t touch me.” I shook his arm off of me. He looked taller, and more muscular now, but was still the same Jake. The same Jake who I would play with as a kid. We would escape to the forest to pick blackberries and salmon berries and we would steal his Dad’s “Birds of the Pacific Northwest” book and his binocs and try to identify all the birds we saw. The same Jake who I felt at times was my only friend, especially during those painfully awkward middle school years. The same Jake who I had a crush on, and the same Jake who betrayed me. The same Jake who I never ratted out.

“Bella, I want to apologize for-” I flew open my car door, trying to slam it against his arm or chest, I didn’t care to look. He caught it gracefully with one hand and held it shut, so I couldn’t force it back open and drive over his foot.

“I-I don’t want to hear it, Jacob.” I couldn’t even look at him, I was radiating with anger. He did that all for a joke, a laugh to have with his friends. I looked at the ground and tried to channel my energy to keep my breathing even and not burst into tears.

“If you want to hear it or not, I’m going to say it anyway.” He heaved a sigh. “I’m sorry Bella, it eats away at me every day…how I treated you, it was- Look, the joke went way too far, it never should have been a joke in the first place. Because…because I was in love with you, I was just too much of a coward to admit it.”

I looked up at him, I felt my hands shaking at my sides. “What, am I supposed to forgive you because you had a crush on me? Like you were some sort of kid tormenting a girl on the playground? You fucking ruined my life, you destroyed my self-confidence, and I…” I wanted to tell him everything, every horrible thought I had about myself, every calorie I counted, every sit-up I did, every minute I spent in that in-patient place, every word I spoke to that bullshit therapist.

“I’m so sorry Bella, I know I don’t deserve your forgiveness. And I’m not asking for it. I just needed to tell you.”

“Well, I’m glad you got some closure.” All I got was an eating disorder and anxiety. “Now fucking leave me alone.” He finally let go of my door but stayed in his place. “And you better come up with some excuse to tell Billy because you are not invited to Thanksgiving.” I punctuated with the slam of my door.

I only got a few blocks before the tears began and my chest seemed to heave in and out on its own uncontrollably, and the familiar thoughts flooded my brain. I pulled over. They echoed in my skull, in my eardrums, behind my eyes, I couldn't escape them. Regardless of how much I didn’t think about my body, no matter how much Edward told me I was beautiful, I knew that it would be easier to be skinny. People liked me more when I was eating 600 calories a day, I worried that I liked me more too. I felt disgusting, I felt every inch of skin on my body and every pound of fat. I felt enormous like my clothes were growing tighter by the second, that I would rather be in any other body than my own. I pulled out my phone for the millionth.

“Bella.” Edward answered to my relief. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Edward-I-I” There was no hiding that I was uncontrollably crying and hyperventilating. It was silly, I just ran into someone who played a silly high school prank on me, I shouldn’t have reacted in that way. I was like a child, just as useless as one anyway. I couldn’t even be anorexic properly, I could be the girls who were 120 pounds at their recovery weight and ate whatever they wanted and called it intuitive eating. I was a burden to him, I was irredeemable. “I’m sorry Edward. I-I should-”

“Bella, where are you? Are you hurt?” I could hear the panic in his voice.

“No, no. I’m- I just. I shouldn’t have called you.” I shouldn’t have even been with him in the first place.

“Bella, I know something is wrong. I’m coming to get you. Where are you?”

It was just a few minutes before he opened the truck door and enveloped me in his arms. The front of my mind was quieted, momentarily, but a voice still lingered in the back of my mind, the voice that ruled me in high school. I wanted nothing more than to be swallowed up into a black hole. I cried silently against his chest and he gently comforted me. “I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I just- Jacob, he’s someone I knew from high school, and he…” My mouth seemed to stop forming words as the tears seemed to well up in my eyes.

“What did he do?” He asked gently.

“N-nothing, he just apologized for…” A knot formed in my throat and I couldn’t get the words out.

“It's okay.” He pulled me back into his chest. “Take your time.”

I took a deep breath. “He played this prank on me in high school. We were friends for a long time because his Dad and my Dad are good friends. I started to develop feelings for him, but I just kind of resigned myself to him never liking me. One day, out of the blue he asked me out on a date. I was ecstatic. He picked me up and he took me to a park, and we were just sitting on a bench and then suddenly he ran away. Then something hit the back of my head, hard, then something hit my chest, my stomach, my arms, my legs, just over and over again. It was paintballs. I started to run and they followed me, shouting and emptying their round into my back. When they finally caught up with me they kept saying how I was so delusional for thinking Jacob could actually like me back, that I should just kill myself now because no one would ever want to fuck me, that I shouldn’t go to school so they didn’t have to look at me. It was dark by the time they ran out of paintballs and decided to leave. I went back home, Charlie was still at the station. I never told him what happened, I don’t really know why. You’re the only person I’ve ever told.”

Seeing Jacob made it all come back, the places where my body had been bruised, I could rest against the back of a chair for weeks. The hunger that stabbed into my stomach as I threw away countless sack lunches. The way my bones felt under my skin as I poked and prodded at them throughout my classes. The part of my wrist that stuck out, my collar bones, my fingers, my hands, my elbows, the vertebrae on my back, my jawline. I relished that all of the bones were becoming more and more prominent, and people taking notice. In only a few months, people stopped tormenting me so much. It wasn't just Jacob and his friends, it was some of the girls in my chemistry class, nearly everyone in gym would hide their faces as they pretended not to laugh when I failed to do a single pull-up or finished last in the mile run. It all slowly stopped. I went to visit my mom for the summer and she was ecstatic at how much weight I had lost. She indulged my eating disorder and we went to workout classes twice per day sometimes. She was on a raw vegan diet at the time so we only ate fruits and vegetables and nuts. I lost even more weight and when I went back to Charlie’s for the school year, I couldn’t go more than a few minutes of standing without feeling dizzy.

I started school again and on my first day of junior year I fainted in gym class and Charlie picked me up and took me to the hospital. I had low blood pressure, low pulse, and low body temperature, I wasn’t severely underweight, in fact, I had just gotten into the “normal” range of BMI, which I tracked religiously. It didn’t take the doctors very long to do blood work and find out I was deficient in nearly everything and severely malnourished. I spent all of my junior year doing in and outpatient therapy programs and doctor visits. Nothing ever cured me, but by the time senior year had rolled around I had figured out that I hated treatment more than being fat, so I ate more and stopped working out so much. And I just slowly gained back the weight.

I looked over at Edward, he was nearly vibrating with rage. “It was a long time ago. But when I saw him he told me he had a crush on me and he was too afraid to admit it. High schoolers do dumb shit.” I was still angry at him, but I kept thinking about the look on his face, he did look genuine and I almost hoped he constantly mulled it over, that he regretted it, that he hated himself a little bit for what he did. I found satisfaction in thinking I would never accept his apology.

Edward just stared out at nothing in particular, his black eyes had a deepness they normally lacked. He took my hand in his and gave it a gentle squeeze.

“It was just a prank,” I said, it sounded silly, paintballs and dumb high school kids, but it was hard to deal with. I didn’t go anywhere except school and home for months. At first, I thought they had shot me with a real gun, and then when they started to chase me I thought they were going to kill me or worse.

“He tried to make amends? Jacob?” He turned my hands over in his examining it as he spoke.

“Yes.”

“And did you forgive him?”

I shook my head.

“Good. He doesn’t deserve it.” He said, eliciting a small smile in me. “What he does deserve is for me to go back there and break his leg.” He said under his breath.

I shook my head no matter how tempting. “I’m glad you picked up. I was really worried about you.”

“I’m sorry. I just freaked out. I don’t really act rationally when it comes to you.”

“No, you don’t.” I brushed the hair away from his face. “You want to talk about it?.”

He nodded. “I was thinking about drinking your blood, fantasizing what it would be like. That’s when I hurt you.” He looked ashamed, staring down at the ground.

It couldn’t have been easy to contend with his instincts, constantly having to resist my blood. But I trusted him. “You of all people should know that thoughts mean nothing, and accidents happen all the time, it's just a part of being human. That’s why we heal.”

He finally looked up at me, dazzling me with his eyes. “I don’t want to put you in danger.”

“A scratch or bruise is not danger.” I insisted. “I know you of all people would never intend to hurt me. And even if things are dangerous, I still want to be with you.”
“I’m sorry I left like that.”

“It's okay to freak out, clearly it happens to both of us.”

A smile spread across his face. He pressed his forehead gently to mine. “I love you so much, Bella.”

“I love you too.” I kissed his forehead and then each cheek. “And I know you don’t eat, like human food, but since I kind of uninvited Jacob, would you want to come to Thanksgiving?”
“I’d love too, we can work around the not eating thing.”

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

“You're sure it's not an issue? Emmet won’t mind” She asked.

“He’s happy to switch shifts with me.” It was only half a lie. It took a small amount of persuading, meaning I had to take two shifts in exchange for his one. “I was happy to as well, it's been a long time since I cooked…anything really.”

“Well, it's just about the weirdest Thanksgiving dinner ever. But it's the Swan family tradition.”

“I can’t wait. And please call me if you need anything. Especially if he shows up again.” I nearly crushed the cell phone in my hand thinking about what he had put Bella through.

“I will. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. Bye.”

{Edward’s getting sappy. I suppose that's natural once you crack a hundred. You were always a late bloomer though} Emmet in addition to his strength also had impeccable hearing, and he liked to listen in on my phone conversations with Bella. I would have to start taking them a few miles out in the woods. I heard him laughing in the garage. Rosalie was annoyed with him as she polished her newest toy, a red convertible, completely impractical in a state where it rains more than it doesn’t. Rosalie wasn’t the most practical of people. I zoomed down.

{Ugh, I’ve heard enough yapping to that human of yours.} Rosalie commented before returning her attention to the sparkling paint job, buffing away the water spots, and trying her best to ignore me.
“You’re such a ray of sunshine Rose.” I normally didn’t rise to the bait of her comments, but any mention of Bella seemed to encourage me.

“I do my best,” she said with a sickly smile.

“Alright, alright.” Emmett finally was able to compose himself, he often played the role of peacekeeper between me and Rosalie. “It just, it’s so weird, you’re usually so depressed.”

“I suppose most vampires are.” I shot a glance at Rosalie. I had caught her more than once remembering her existence before she met Emmett, it was much like mine before I had met Bella. Emmett and Esme had the luxury of never being a vampire without a mate. I had come across some vampires who were completely happy in immortality without a mate, in fact, they preferred it, but they found solace in their next human meal, which was enough for them to keep on going.

{Fuck off!} She didn’t even look up at me.

“But now you’re all ooey gooey sunshine and rainbows.” Emmett slung his giant arm around me and patted my shoulder.

I rolled my eyes, but couldn’t contain my smile. My family had continually commented that I was different since meeting Bella, more optimistic, and more eager to participate in our immortal life. They were completely right, before it seemed I was apathetic about my immortal life. The only joy I found was helping my family and playing the piano, the only way to block out the constant barrage of voices in my head. It wasn’t a life, it was simply an existence. I took comfort in the fact that one day we would swept up into some vampire war and hopefully my end would come quickly, if not painlessly. It was like I was waiting for it. But with Bella, I had a purpose, something to look forward to, someone to protect and cherish, someone to love who also loved me. “Minus the sunshine.”
“Minus the sunshine, of course.”

“Let’s go,” Rosalie said flatly, jumping into the driver seat of the convertible and revving the engine. Emmett followed her and slipped into the passenger seat. {Get me the fuck out of here.} She thought, specifically out of anywhere in proximity to me.

“Where are you going?” I asked.

“I don’t think it's any of your business.” Rosalie quipped. “And I distinctly remember you switching with Emmett for the night shift.”

“I did.” I bristled.

{That’s all you need to know.}

“The cottage,” Emmett whispered as though Rosalie couldn’t hear. Rosalie pulled out of the garage and up the driveway with surprising speed. {Bye, Edward. Don’t call me.} I heard Emmett think before he was out of range.

I checked the time. I still had a few minutes before my shift started at 6:00, but I went up to the living room early. Alice had been so attentive to Jas, it was hard to separate them, but she needed to hunt and Carlisle needed to go to his shift at the hospital.

{No Emmett?} Carlisle was surprised to see me.

“No, I switched with him so I could go to Thanksgiving at Bella’s house.”

{Thanksgiving?} Jas thought the pain in their throat was still consuming, but it was subsiding so they could hold half of a conversation for a short amount of time.

“Edward Masen, what exactly are you going to eat at Thanksgiving?” Alice, despite her fatigue, was still as bubbly as ever. {Honestly, you’d do anything for that girl.}

“I was thinking an artful pushing around of the food on the plate would suffice.” I hadn’t thought it through fully.

“You’ll have to be convincing Edward, her father is the chief of police you know,” Carlisle commented.

“Yes, I know.”

{Honestly, she’s got him wrapped around her finger. He’ll do anything for her.} Esme thought, sitting silently knitting a throw blanket for the guest room she was preparing. She never said it was expressly for Bella, there was no other person who would stay with us who required a bed. “In case anyone ever needs to stay the night.” She had said to me with a smile.

“Badass, right to the belly of the beast,” Jas said quietly. {He’s really enamored with her, isn’t he?}

“Okay!” I breathed. “We’ve established that I am completely head over heels for Bella, can we move on?” I pleaded. They all nodded in unison. “Good.”

“Well. I’m off. I’ll see you later.” Alice popped up from her spot on Jas’s lap but leaned back down to kiss them goodbye. “Be strong. I’ll be back soon.” She whispered. {Please, everything go well} She said like a prayer, but also partially to me.

“I love you,” Jas replied, holding her there just for a moment. “Thank you.”

Alice smiled, but quickly disappeared down the stairs out the door and into the wilderness.

“Me too,” Carlisle said. “Be safe, all of you.” He said to us, kissed Esme goodbye, and was gone quickly as well.

*********************************************************************************

{I shouldn’t let her go so long without hunting. Her eyes were pitch black. I should have insisted she go earlier. She’s trying to do too much, I know I’m in rough shape but she needs to take care of herself as well. I know she wants to go out and do things, she always talks about Edward’s human girl and how she wants to be friends with her, but she has no opportunity to do so when she’s trying to watch me every minute of every day. It has to be exhausting for her-}

“Jas!” I chided. “C’mon, don’t beat yourself up.” I put down my book. Esme continued to knit but was listening in. It was normal for vampires going through detox to have these kinds of thoughts, I had been privy to their previous detox as well as experienced it myself in the past.

I looked at them, just sitting there, stewing, with nothing to distract them. However, I remember distinctly that it was frustrating to try to read or write or do anything that required concentration because a part of the consciousness always had to be focused on resisting. “Alice doesn’t mind, she would do anything to help you. You know that.”

They nodded.

“Yesterday, I freaked out when I was with Bella. I just felt this sudden urge to drink her blood. Then I realized I had accidentally scratched her, and I jumped out the window and ran as far as I could, I wasn’t answering any of her calls because of how ashamed I was that I had hurt her and that I didn’t have control. But I finally talked to her and she told me that it's okay to freak out sometimes. It’s okay to be imperfect and imperfection doesn’t make you any less deserving of love from any of us, but especially from Alice.”

{If she was in my position, it wouldn’t even be a question.}

“Exactly.” I looked over at Esme, then back to Jas. “So, let’s do something, anything you want.”

{The Falls?}

***********************************************************************************************************************************************************************************************

By human standards, the water in the falls would be freezing, certainly cold enough to induce hypothermia. I could imagine taking Bella up in the summer months, when it would be warm enough for her, of course only if she was willing to come. It was inaccessible even by Jeep, it would take days for a human to hike. But for vampires, it took about half an hour to reach. It was magnificent of course, I took pictures to show Bella. A huge cascade of white water rushed over moss-covered rocks down into a deep blue pool below. The pool was surrounded by trees except for one spot which had a few large slabs of rock to lay out and dry. Esme sat there as Jas and I catapulted ourselves over and over into the pool from increasingly high places, culminating in launching ourselves down from the tops of the highest neighboring pine trees.

“Edward?” Esme called me over. Jas continued to use the waterfall as a slide. I went over to her in an instant, making sure not to drip any water near her. “I just wanted to tell you that if you or Bella need any help navigating any uncertainties, please just ask me. You know once upon a time, Carlisle and I were in a similar situation.”

I smiled at her.

{I was a long time ago, but we had just gotten married and I was carrying in a big bag of groceries and he was working on something in the living. I slipped and dropped everything, but he caught me by the arm in time. But something felt wrong, it turns out he accidentally broke my arm. You should have seen him, he was absolutely beside himself. You know how he is. Of course, I forgave him, and eventually he forgave himself. We learned to give ourselves grace, that sometimes accidents happen and we make mistakes, and just go moment by moment when you need to.}

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

“Hey Ang, how’s Thanksgiving going?”

“It's a nightmare, my Mom keeps yelling at me about green beans or something. I burned both of the pies yesterday so I had to get up early and remake this morning. We’re not even halfway through the cook and I’m ready to throw in the towel. I don’t know why I agreed to help her every year. I should tell her no next year, neither my brother nor my stepdad has ever helped, not once. Fucking men. I never want to look at another potato that needs peeling ever again. How are you doing?” She said with a huff.

“Pretty good, it’s been actually kind of cathartic. It’s nice having Edward here.”

“I’m sure it is. Charlie hasn’t thrown him in jail yet?” She laughed.

“Not yet, the trial will be today.”

“You invited him to dinner? Doesn’t he have a family to eat with? Some cousin or something?”

“His uncle and aunt and cousins, and they uh…” I cursed myself for not coming up with an excuse beforehand. “They do their Thanksgiving a day early for some reason.”

“Oh, well. Good luck I suppose.”

“Thanks. I will. Don’t pull your hair over a symbolic meal celebrating colonialism. I’ll talk to you later.”

After hanging up I double-checked the fridge and pantry to make sure all the ingredients were accounted for. Edward insisted that I wait for him to start, he wanted to see the process from beginning to end. He had talked about it as though it was some spectacle to be intently observed rather than a 21-year-old college student cooking an untraditional Thanksgiving meal. So I waited for him, puttering around, washing the last of the dishes in the sink, and sweeping the floor one last time before I ultimately made the kitchen descend into chaos.

I heard a knock at the door, snapping me out of my spiral. “Hi, beautiful,” Edward said as soon as I opened the door, scooping me up into a hug.

“Hey yourself.” I kissed his cheek before pulling him through the door. “I suppose you wanted to see what the rest of the house looks like?”

“I still like your room the best.” He said, pulling me in for a kiss.

“On the menu, tonight is chicken wings in two flavors, buffalo and barbecue, tater tot casserole, Brussels sprouts, corn on the cob, and blueberry pie for dessert. That is a set menu, Swan family tradition.”

“Tell me what to do chef.”

It was difficult to stifle my laughter as Edward chopped each vegetable into precise, tiny, pieces. They were perfect of course, but just incredibly impractical for any normal person to recreat. Despite his perfection, he was still somehow bad at cooking. He required direction at every step and seemed to be unsatisfied when I didn’t give him exact measurements, times, or temperatures. I never really realized that without an intuition of what makes food delicious, it’s hard to know when something is seasoned or done. Every time I left him to his own devices for more than thirty seconds he looked completely and utterly lost. “Edward, will you turn the pie?” I asked as I was whisking the marinade for the wings. “The oven mitts are-” I stopped and watched him reach into the oven with bare hands, my heart leaped to my throat and I nearly had a heart attack before my brain could rationalize the action.

“What?” He asked, standing up.

I shook my head. “Nothing.” I chuckled to myself a little.

Charlie came home sooner than usual. He hadn’t been thrilled about me inviting Edward to Thanksgiving, but begrudgingly agreed, which was about as good as I could ask for. I heard the cruise pull in the drive and found myself holding my breath as the door jiggled open. “Hi, Dad!” I greeted.

“Hey, Bells.” He was already eyeing Edward, looking him up and down discreetly. “And you must be Edward.”

“I am. Nice to meet you, Chief Swan. Thank you for having me here for Thanksgiving.”

“You’re welcome, Edward. It's good to finally meet the boy that Bella is spending so much time with.” He shot me a look. “And thanks for helping her with cooking, she would never complain, but it's quite an ordeal to cook all this.”

“I don’t get to cook very often, so I’m happy to help.”

I smiled at both of them. ‘We’re almost done, Dad. Maybe 30 more minutes.”

“Good. Billy and Jacob should be here soon.”

My blood went cold. “Jacob’s coming?

“Yeah, Billy called me at the station, Jake and him will be here around 4:00.”

“Oh- um- okay.” I took a breath, trying to compose myself. “I’ll just go finish up.” I darted back into the kitchen and silently began to hyperventilate. I had told that fucker expressly not to come.

“Bella. Bella.” Edward whispered quietly enough so Charlie couldn’t hear. “Hey, everything is gonna be okay. We’ll figure it out.” He steadied me with his hands, grounding me back to reality.

“I told him not to come,” I whined.

“I know darling.” He pulled me into a hug. “I can break his legs, just say the word.”

I smiled. I looked at the counter, laden with the food we had made over the last few hours. It made my head hurt. “We just gotta get through this. Maybe we can split early.”

“Yeah. Hey, if you don’t want me to, I won’t leave your side.”

“Okay.” It seemed slightly more bearable.

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

{I should just tell her exactly how I feel like lay it all out there. I just need to stop obsessing over every word. I’m going to say.}

{Charlie needs to put a damn ramp in this house}

“Bella, darling.” I placed a hand on the small of her back. We had been setting the table. “They’re here.”

I felt her immediately tense underneath me. I hated seeing how much distress his presence put her under. Considering everything he had put her through, she was dealing with it well. But still, if I could have magically made it all go away I would have in an instant. She nestled herself against my chest and wrapped her arms tight around my waist. She took a deep inhale. “Thank you for being here.” She whispered.

“Of course, anything for you.”

The door opened with a click. I heard Charlie greeting them with pats on the back and firm handshakes and semi-insults disguised in complementary tones, many human men of a certain generation greeted each other this way. Bella reluctantly let go of my waist, but still kept her hand glued to mine and led me into the living room.

There was no doubt they were father and son. The younger was a near-carbon copy of the older. He was tall, a few inches taller than I was, lean, and naturally muscled with bronze skin. Both of their hair was pulled back into a tight low braid and both of them wore variations of the outfit that Charlie wore, jeans and plaid button down. For the first time in my vampiric life, jealousy bristled in my mind. Jacob was everything that I could never give Bella, he was human and warm and alive and though his love for Bella was complicated, but it was nothing compared to my own.

Though he remembered her as painfully shy, back then he found joy in coaxing a smile out of her, he relished that he was one of the people who could do so. He liked the way she made him feel. Then after that night, when they left her bruised and humiliated, he watched her begin to disappear. Not only did her limbs seem to wither, but she became sallow, and distant, and he couldn’t remember her smile ever returning to her face. She became so small and insignificant that people seemed to not even notice her existence, like a fly on the wall until she disappeared from school altogether. He had wanted to talk to her, and apologize, but every time he bucked up the courage he would see one of his friends around the corner. At that time there was something he was more scared of than watching her disappear, it was people knowing that he was in love with her. It wasn’t just a crush, something passing that he would get over in a few months. It seemed to be a part of him, weft into the fabric of himself, something he had always and would always feel for her. And now he knew what it really meant to watch her disappear and he hated himself for thinking that some sort of high school social capital was worth more than having her. The mental image Jacob had of her when she was so sick made me heartbroken. It wasn’t just something he conjured from his mind, it had happened, she had been not so long ago. She talked about it as if it was a long time, but 5 or 6 years is nothing to a vampire.

She let go of my hand. “Hi, Billy.” She said with a small smile and bent down to hug him. “It's good to see you.”

“Good to see you, kid. It’s been a while.” {The pretty boy boyfriend I could without. We’ll size him up. As long as she is happy and he’s treating her right. She deserves someone as good as she is.}
“Um, this is Edward.” She said shyly, returning to my side. “My boyfriend. We go to school together and his uncle is Dr. Cullen.”

“Small world huh?” {I can see the resemblance.} “Alright Charlie, switch the pre-game on!” Charlie and Billy quickly became consumed with the TV.

{Why the hell is he here? I wonder if she’s told him about what happened. If only I could just explain to her, make her see it from my point of view. Maybe then…I don’t know. I just need to talk to her, once they start watching the game. But I doubt I'll get to when he's there. He's already angry, I can feel it. He definitely knows. I mean what does she see in him? He’s like really weird-looking, even by white people standards. I mean maybe he has abs or something, but I have abs too.} Jacob’s gaze flickered between me and Bella, he was having trouble deciding on who to focus on.

“Jacob,” Bella said quietly, almost like a threat. “I told you, you weren’t invited.”

“I need to talk to you.” He pleaded.

“I’m not interested in talking to you.” She spat.

I watched her expression through his eyes, though I didn’t like it, the way he looked at her. It was the same way most men looked at the women they found attractive, the way I looked at her in my weaker moments. His eyes dragged up her body, focusing on the curve of her hip, the fullness of her breasts, he imagined what it was like to touch her, to be close enough to take in the scent of her skin. He ached for her. It made my skin crawl, not because I didn’t believe she should be with anyone but me, but because I knew she had no interest in him. I gritted my teeth.

“Fine, I’m just here to eat then.” He hissed and went and sat down on the couch to watch with Charlie and his Dad.

*********************************************************************************

“Jacob, how’s college going?” Charlie asked. We had all sat down for dinner and momentarily turned off the TV to eat, that was until the game officially started, then it would go back on. I had devised a plan, incredibly sophisticated, a napkin on the lap that I would shovel food into at a speed quick enough for no one to notice. “You playing basketball out there right?”

“Yeah, it's going good. I love playing on the team, it's a really great group of guys and our coach is a hard ass, but I’ve never played better.” {I bet he’s like a History major or something. Fucking creep.}

“You play center? You sure are tall enough.”

{He gets it from me no doubt. Sarah was never one for sports. She had other talents.} Jacob’s father Billy thought. However, his mind was mostly occupied with game stats and previous seasons and the likelihood of certain teams going to the Super Bowl.

“I do. I’m hoping to make starter, coach likes to switch up mid-way through the season so I think I got a shot before it's over.”

“I’m sure you will. I remember when you played in high school. You have a real talent for it.”

I looked over at Bella, she was looking around nervously, pushing the food around on her plate, though it looked like she hadn’t taken more than a few bites. Her heart was racing as usual. I squeezed her leg, she looked over at me. I gave her a small encouraging smile. Then placed another forkful of food into the napkin on my lap when no one was looking. Then I pretended to chew for good measure.

“Edward, you play any sports?” Charlie asked.

Jacob turned his attention toward me, I could feel his anger heating up the room.

“No, I don’t. Not for a team anyways, but my family likes to play baseball for fun on occasion.”

{Baseball really? He just keeps getting weirder.}

“But, he plays the piano wonderfully,” Bella said. I was grateful to hear her voice. “And he’s a composer. That’s his major actually, Piano Performance and Composition. He’s very good at it.”
My heart soared.

{He just doesn’t stop looking at her, does he?}

My head snapped toward him. “What is your major Jacob?” I tried to contain the edge in my voice.

“Um, Finance.” He said, trying to sound uninterested.

“Practical,” I commented.

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

The only thing that kept me from bursting into flames for the duration of the meal was Edward rubbing circles with his thumb on my knee. I should have been worried about other things, if Charlie liked Edward, if Edward was doing a convincing job of pretending to eat, if I was eating. But I was worried about him, Jacob, who seemed to catch my glance every moment I looked in his general direction. I wanted to yell and scream and tell him to fuck off, but I held my tongue and waited for everyone to be finished. I didn’t want him to have such a hold over me as his presence turned me back into that incredibly shy, insecure high school girl. I didn’t want to be that anymore. I realized that I would have to confront him again, and really lay it down.

Charlie, Billy, and Jacob returned to the game, leaving me to clear the table, of course Edward helped. “I’m gonna talk to him in the kitchen,” I whispered.

“I’ll wait here, if you need anything just say the word.” He said, gently squeezing my arm.

I nodded. “Jacob, can I talk to you?” I called over and disappeared into the kitchen without waiting for him. I knew he would follow.

“Why did you come?” I asked calmly as he walked in, his expression was frustratingly nonchalant. For years I had been haunted by what he had done to me, and now he looked as if he didn’t care.

“Bella, please, just hear me out. I-I really miss you.” And suddenly, he was that kid who came over for fish fry Fridays and Superbowl Sundays, with shaggy black hair that he refused to tie into a braid to the dismay of his family, the boy who was obsessed with Pokemon cards and always tried to get me to play with him even though I was hopeless in understanding.

He looked too big for the house, or maybe I was used to seeing him in the house as a kid. “You want me to forgive you?” I spat out, reminding myself that I was angry at him, I had been for years. “You’re gonna tell Charlie what you did.”

He swallowed hard. “I-I haven’t even told my dad yet.”

“Add him to the list. He’ll probably be more angry than Charlie will.” I always liked Billy, he seemed to have a soft spot for me.

“Yeah, he’s gonna burn me alive.”

I nodded, feeling a little satisfaction. “We’ll start with that. Until it's done I don’t want you coming to the house. I don’t want you to bother me, or Edward.”

The small smile that had poked through his expression quickly disappeared at the mention of him. “I’m not the biggest fan.”

“You think I care about your opinion of him?” He was just digging his grave deeper.

“And he’s- you’re happy?”

I nodded. “It’s none of your business, but, yes.”

He looked confused, almost disgusted. Then his expression softened. “Well, that’s all that matters.” An uncomfortable silence settled between us. “He’s just kinda creepy, ya know?”

“You come in here after I expressly uninvited you, and you want to pass judgment on my boyfriend? You have to leave.” He had no right to even exist in the same vicinity as me.

“No- Bella. I-” He grabbed my forearm tightly, his hand was so big it wrapped around my flesh easily. “I’m sorry.”

“Let go of me, Jacob!”

Suddenly Edward placed himself in between us.

“What the hell? Where did you come from?” Jacob asked.

Edward ignored him, “Are you okay?” He asked me gently. He turned around. “She asked you to leave.” He said in an incredibly serious voice.

“Hey, man. We were just- I was just trying to apologize to her, we have some…history.” Jacob’s voice grew nonthreatening.

“You were apologizing by grabbing her?”

Jacob’s face went pale like he had been caught in a lie.

“Leave, Jacob. Now.” Edward added.

Suddenly all of my emotions seemed to catch up with me at once. My anger, my fear, my shame, my inadequateness it all flooded into my bloodstream at once. And suddenly I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think and my hands shook as I tried to steady myself against the counter. I was the same girl I was at 16, I could feel her in my bones, I could feel exactly the spots where she had been bruised. I was her, this was just some strange dream and I would wake up tomorrow on that twin bed at the impatient place with the rock-hard mattress and the scratchy sheets. Soon my legs were taking me away, I wasn’t sure where, just away from where I had been. No matter how many breaths I took, it felt like I wasn’t ever going to get enough air like there wasn’t enough in the entire world to keep me alive.

Edward POV:

“Bella, darling,” I said as soothingly as possible. “Please, open the door.”

I knew she was in there spiraling, blaming everything on herself, believing she was in the wrong, she was having a panic attack. Her heart rate was so high and her breath pattern so ragged, it couldn’t have been anything else. Not to mention her blood sugar was low, I could smell it. All I wanted was for her to open the door so she didn’t have to go through it alone, all because of…”You!” I pressed Jacob to a nearby wall. “She told you to leave.” I could have killed him so easily, my strength in combination with my fiery anger, all it would take was one movement and he would be gone. But that wouldn’t take away Bella’s pain, he had already done the damage.

“Let me go!” {What the hell, this guy is dangerous. He’s fucking crazy.} “What happened to her?” He was concerned, of course, he was still in love with her.

“What do you think Jacob?” He really was thick wasn’t he? “She asked you not to come and you showed up anyways. You traumatized her.”

{Really? I didn’t think it was that bad. I thought she was just angry at me.} I let him go. “Bella!” He said, banging on the door. That certainly wasn’t helping.

“Stop!” I pulled him back and threw him to the floor of the hallway. He was hell-bent on freaking her out even more.

{Fuck this guy.} And he shot back up at me, swinging to hit me. I had no other choice than to catch his fist which came at me with surprising force. Jacob was not the person that I wanted to focus on in the moment. I threw his hand down with enough force to send him down to the floor.

“Hey, hey, hey boys, what’s going on?” Charlie came in between us. I had already heard him ascending the stairs after Bella ran up to her room. Billy was at the bottom of the stairs, hoping against all hope that Jacob hadn’t started it, he hadn’t had exactly a clean record when it came to picking fights.

“You tell him,” I said to Jacob who was still trying to rise from the floor.

He looked at me, then at Charlie.

“Tell him what you did to Bella!” I demanded.

“Jacob?” Charlie looked bewildered.

{This fucker is bent on ruining my life, isn’t he?} He took a deep breath. “Charlie, can I talk to you downstairs?”

“Bella.” I turned my attention to the more important matter. I did my best to block out Jacob and Billy’s inner thoughts. “He’s gone. Can you open the door for me darling? I just want to know that you’re okay.”

I pressed my ear to the door. Pounding heart and labored breath, a whimper escaping her every so often. I wanted to rip down the door, scoop her up, and hold her until she was lulled into restful sleep. But, instead, I slid down to a sitting position, leaning my back against her door, it would do her any good if I forced my way in there. I continued to listen to her breathing and simultaneously eavesdropped on the situation unfolding downstairs in the living room.

“Jacob, why would you ever do that, to Bella no less?” His father was furious, Charlie was silent
.
“I don’t know, I just- I” He put his head in his hands. “I should have stopped them, but I was afraid that if I didn’t go along with it…I don’t know. At the time it just sounded like a silly prank, I didn’t know it would go that far.” He pleaded.

{The girls never did anything like this. What the hell is wrong with this kid, he lied to me.} Billy was beyond disappointed in his son. {I’m sure what he did was part of the reason she…had so much trouble.}

“I’m so sorry Charlie, I tried to apologize to her and make it better, but I just don’t know what to do. Every time I talk to her, she just gets so angry at me.” {If she wasn’t so stubborn.}
“She sure as hell should be angry at you,” Billy added.

“Charlie?” Jacob looked up at Charlie who had just been standing there as still as ever. He was waiting for a reaction, for him to yell at him or say something that would make Jacob feel worse than he already did, which would be better than the silence he was enduring.

“You’re not welcome here anymore Jacob.” Charlie finally said quietly. “I don’t want you in this house.”

“W-what?”

“You are not to set foot in this house until Bella says so. And you are going to leave her alone.” He was menacing when he was quiet. “Nod Jacob if you understand.”

He nodded vigorously. “Yes sir.”

*********************************************************************************

“Do you want to head home Edward? It’s almost 8, I don’t think she’s gonna be out until morning.” Charlie said after trying to coax her out of her room. Her heart rate had slowed, but over the last few hours I had heard her go through episodes of stifled quiet crying and episodes of near silence.

“It's okay. I think I’ll stay for a while longer.” I said, I didn’t want to leave, but I would have to at some point. It felt like a violation of her privacy to go to her window, she clearly wanted to be alone. I was happy to sit on the couch and make awkward small talk with her shell-shocked father.

“She told you…what Jacob did?” He asked.

“Yes, a few days ago.”

He nodded. “I can’t believe I had no idea.” He was so clearly wracked with guilt.

The silence was so strange, I was in a house with two other people and my head was only filled with my own thoughts. I felt human…almost. I heard Bella begin to stir followed by footsteps and then the creak of the door opening. I wanted to zoom up the stairs and take her into my arms, but I stayed firmly in place, clearly, Charlie couldn’t hear her walking down the stairs. She took a breath. “Is he gone?” She asked meekly.

I couldn’t help myself after turning around to see her eyes had turned red and puffy. As quickly as possible I pulled her into an embrace. “He’s gone, he won’t come back.”

I felt her nod against me. “I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to apologize,” I whispered.

She broke our embrace and took a step towards Charlie. “I’m sorry Bells.” He said. “Jacob told me what happened, I just can’t believe I didn’t know.”

“It's okay Dad. How were you supposed to? I never told you.” She patted his shoulder.

He nodded. “I’m sorry Bella, I’m your father, I should have known there was something more.”

She gave him a sad sort of smile. “I’m glad you know now.”

She turned back to me. “I need to get out of here. Can we go for a drive?”

“Of course,” I said and soon she was back, curled into my side as we crossed the driveway to my car. I took her hand as she assumed her position in the passenger seat. I took her hand and pressed a kiss to her knuckles. Then I moved to her cheek, brushing her hair out of the way before my lips touched her skin. The sun was setting, she must be starving and after all of the commotion her blood sugar was even lower than it had been. "Should we get some food in you?"

Her face twisted for a moment, but she quickly regained composure. "I-I'm not hungry."

"You sure?" I asked, hoping that was the right thing to say. She had to be hungry.

"Yeah, can we just go?" She said somberly.

"Okay."

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

“You look nice,” Jess commented as she entered the bathroom to grab her straightener. “Your makeup looks really cute.”

“I tried my best, it's not really my forte.” I was relieved that it looked okay, Jess was a good judge, and her makeup always looked perfect. “Edward said we’re going somewhere fancy.”

“You should wear that green dress. Oh my gosh and do your hair half up half down. Is there anywhere actually fancy here?”

“Not that I can think of. I don’t know, he won't tell me where we’re going. I’ve tried.”

“Well, have fun.”

I took her advice and put on the green dress, and she was right, half-up half-down hair was perfect. I had never worn that dress, except for when Jess made me try it on for her after it arrived at our apartment. It was definitely an impulse buy, but as I looked in the mirror I actually felt good. It was a skimpy satiny material that clung to places that I normally didn’t want to show anyone, even Edward. But for some reason it made me feel good, I could appreciate the curves of my body, it made me feel womanly…sexy even.

When I came out of my room Jess screeched at the top of her lungs. “Bellaaaa! You are so hot! I’m gonna have to leave Mike for you.”

“Stop,” I said, blushing.

“Wait what?” Mike interjected as he was getting something from the fridge.

“Babe, compliment Bella.” Jess said, trying to move

He swallowed whatever he had in his mouth. “You look beautiful Bella.”

“Thank you.”

Edward was punctual as usual, greeting me with a breathtaking kiss. He was at my side in an instant, opening the door of the passenger seat, and offered a hand to steady myself as I got in. It seemed a little silly, he had seen me at my worst, and I had told him things I vowed I would never tell anyone and he still acted with such formality. I kind of liked it though, it was cheesy of course, but also classically romantic.

“You look gorgeous.” He said, leaning over to kiss me on the cheek.

“Thank you. I know you like blue on me, this just felt really good today.” I smoothed down the material of my dress.

“You look amazing in any color.” He whispered.

“You look nice as well,” I commented. He was wearing a simple black suit and tie with a white shirt. Somehow it was possible for him to get more handsome than he was on a normal day. “Are you gonna tell me where we’re going?” I asked.

He flashed a mischievous smile. “I’m glad you brought a coat.”

“It's just impossible for you to actually give me the answer isn’t it?” I joked

“Entirely impossible.” He added.

I had expected that we would go to Port Angeles or even to one of the outer suburbs of Seattle, those were the only places I could think that would have a place fancy enough to require formal dress. But, once again as it always seemed when Edward planned something, we were driving on a gravel road through a heavily forested area. It seemed to be a theme with him. But as we rounded a corner, I caught a glimpse of yellow twinkly lights hanging from the branches of the nearby pine trees. There were 6 or so cars parked in a makeshift lot, all of which looked as though they cost more than my house in Forks. I looked over at him as he pulled into a spot, and his smile widened.

He took my hand as I got out of the car, I had a habit of slipping on gravel, and while my boots were pretty, the slight heel on them made me more of a safety hazard. I noticed in his other hand he had a wool blanket with a tartan design on it. It took every bit of concentration I had to contain my excitement. I clung to his arm. I navigated the short, dimly lit walk, a few tree roots and rocks threatened to send me tumbling, but he steadied me easily.

We came to a clearing, complete with more lights, heaters, and a round stage in the center set into the ground. A few groups of people sat on seats around what looked like giant concentric steps. A man dressed in all black came up to us.

“Good evening, can I ask for the name on the reservation?”

“Edward Mason.”

“Ah Mr. Mason, if you don’t mind following me, I will show you to your seats.” We followed him. “There will be 4 courses served throughout the show, we just ask that if you need to talk to your server, please speak quietly so you don’t interrupt the performance.”

He led us to our seats, a cushioned outdoor bench with a table in front. The table was set, complete with an iced bottle of champagne. We took our seats, I was grateful that it was a couch as I could lean into him. I was trying to find the word to describe my feelings, I pushed the anxiety down and tried to be in the moment. “This is…”

“Shakespeare. Do you want to guess the show?” He asked, wrapping his arms around me.

“Can I get a hint?” I asked playfully.

“Fairies and a double wedding.”

“A Midsummer Night’s Dream in December.”

He popped the champagne and poured me a glass. “Can vampires even get drunk? He poured another glass, only about a third full.

“No, but I’m not opposed to an opportunity for cheers.” He tapped his glass to mine. “To you Bella, my darling. I never thought in a million years someone like you could exist, let alone love someone like me. But here you are. I love you so much.”

My eyes stung with a few tears. “I love you too.”

The food was incredible, and the actors were even more incredible but what I liked the best was sitting next to Edward wrapped in a blanket to keep warm. I didn’t want to think about how much something so extravagant cost, but I was learning to allow Edward to treat me...occasionally. I didn’t let the voice in the back of my head estimating the calories of everything stop me from enjoying everything to the fullest.

“You warm enough?” He whispered as soon as they brought out the last course, a white chocolate raspberry layered cake.

I nodded. The combination of the heaters, my coat, and the blankets wrapped around us, I was plenty warm. After I finished the cake I leaned against him and focused on the remaining portion of the show. It of course ended in the classic Shakespear comedy double wedding. It was frivolous and fanciful, Helena and Hermia ended up both wearing puffy-sleeved white dresses that looked more like 80s prom dresses than Ancient Greek clothing, but the director had taken other liberties with staging and costuming so my suspension of disbelief was still in tact.

As the were doing the bows, I thought of us, Edward and I, would we get married eventually? He was the only person I could imagine myself spending the rest of my life with. Marriage seemed so antiquated, like something regency women did to keep up appearances for high society. It was a piece of paper that ensured a better deal on taxes. Did vampires even pay taxes? It was far in the future, 10 years at least. In 10 years I would have been 31, and he…well, I supposed he would always technically be 19. If I looked 31, with forming wrinkles and grey hairs peeking through and he was still as perfect as he always was, unchanging. He was technically over a century old, but would it be weird to be 31 and still look so young, even if he wasn’t? I shuddered slightly at the thought.
“Ready to go?” He asked after standing up, extending his hand towards me. “How do you feel about meeting my family?”

“I thought that Jas was..well..” I didn’t really know how to broach the subject, anything regarding their diet seemed kind of rude to bring up.

“They’ve been doing very well, but if you are uncomfortable with being in the house we can-”

“No” I interrupted him. “I’d really love to, I just don’t want to make anyone…uncomfortable.”

“Jas has been doing well, they’re certainly out of the woods sooner than we expected. Alice and them have done a few outings to town and it all went well. But, I do have to tell you, I can read their mind, so in the chance they can’t control themselves we might have to leave rather quickly.”

I took a deep breath. It was strange how in the face of potential danger I wasn’t scared, with Edward I knew everything would be okay. “Yeah. Let’s go.”

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

It was only slightly impromptu. I had told Jas and Alice my plan to ask Bella to meet everyone so that it wasn’t sprung on them. However, the rest, especially Esme, were purposefully in the dark. I had anticipated the reaction she would have. She would have spent the entire day preparing, probably going as far as to purchase a bed to put into the “guest room” which served as her office in case Bella needed to rest. No doubt Bella would be paralyzed by the fuss over her. I shot Alice a text when we were about 10 minutes out, hoping that Esme was not looking over her shoulder, but how much damage could Esme really do in 10 minutes?

“Do you think they’ll like me?” She asked nervously, she had been wringing her hands together and obsessively smoothing the fabric of her dress down.

“You look perfect. They’ll love you.” I reached over, took her warm hand, and gave it a squeeze. “In fact, I think I’ll have to fight Esme and Alice off of you..”

She nodded. “Is my dress too scandalous? I mean all of you are like centuries old right?”

I laughed. “After a few decades, social rules of modesty become meaningless. Don’t worry, you look wonderful. In fact, you would look more wonderful if you were wearing nothing at all.”
She smacked my knee, but she still had a smile on her lips.

My assurance seemed to ease her slightly, though she still was nervous as we pulled into the driveway. Of course, she had already met Alice, and Esme and Carlisle very briefly. I could expect Emmett to be jovial and personable as he was with everyone. Rosalie would certainly be standoffish, but at least cordial. It was me she had a problem with, not Bella. And Jas, even before their lapse always was a wild card, they had spent much more time with regular human-blood-drinking vampires which gave them a certain edge. Some would call it a lack of respect for human convention. But I had faith in them to keep their distance. Of course, I would be watching their thoughts like a hawk.

I kept her hand in mine as we ascended the stairs. Everyone’s heads were abuzz with anticipation, they could hear the beat of her heart, the smell of her blood, and our footsteps getting closer and closer. I hadn’t had much of a chance to look at her without being wrapped up in a coat and later a blanket. She was breathtaking, somehow more than she was normally, dripping in goddess-like curves which her dress hugged perfectly. I seriously considered picking her up and carrying her back to the car and stripping the satiny material right off of her. I could imagine how it would feel to rip through the thin piece of fabric to touch her skin to skin. I knew exactly how she felt beneath my touch, her warm softness yielding to my hands.

As we rounded the corner to my family who was patiently awaiting our arrival. I placed my hand on her waist and pulled her in close against me. I could feel each curve of her body pressing into my body, I wanted nothing more than for this formality to be quick and painless.

{She has wonderful taste.} Alice commented, her eyes lingering on Bella’s body a little longer than I would have liked, how could I besmirch her for doing what I had done a thousand times?
“It’s wonderful to meet you again Bella,” Esme said, being the first to step forward from the couch. She immediately took both of Bella’s hands in hers and led her away from me. “Not the best of circumstances last time. How is your shoulder?”

Everyone’s attention was trained intensely on her. “Much better now. Thank you Carlisle again for looking at it.”

“You’re very welcome Bella.” He said simply with a nod.

Rosalie and Emmett sat on the couch, Alice and Jas behind them. Jas was doing very well, they held their breath as a precaution and were focused on acting human as most of us did automatically. It involved moving the shoulders to give the appearance of breathing, blinking, slouching slightly, and fidgeting, I had done away with most of that around Bella. With her, I could be myself.

“It’s good that I get to meet the girl that has seemed to completely bewitch Edward. He’s not an easy nut to crack.” Emmett said standing up, pulling her into a massive bear hug.

The sight of her toes lifting from the floor made my stomach leap to my throat. “Careful Emmett!” I chided. “She’s…fragile.”

{You have no faith in me cos.} “I’m sure she’s tougher than she looks.” He said, setting her down.

I found her her eyes to make sure she was alright. She thankfully smiled at me.

“I am.” She added. I was worried that my family's over-familiarity would scare her, but she seemed to not mind, though she quickly returned to my side.
“Rose?” Emmett said quietly. She was reluctant, she didn’t quite have the same fascination with humans as Alice, Carlisle, Esme, and I had.

“It’s nice to meet you,” Rosalie said in an icy cold tone, as though we should be grateful for her presence.

“Likewise,” Bella said quietly with wide eyes.

Alice could no longer contain herself, she left Jas’s side, only momentarily to pull Bella into a hug. “You look amazing in that dress.” She whispered to Bella before letting go. “Don’t mind Jas, he’s keeping his distance for now.”

{Thank god.} Jas though, grateful that he didn’t have to speak, which meant inhaling the air permeated with Bella’s delectable scent.

“Oh.” Bella’s cheeks flushed. “Of course. I don’t mind.”

“Good. I need to show you my sewing room. I would love to make a dress for you. How do you feel about the 60s mod style?” And the two girls were gone into Alice’s lair of lace trim and mismatched buttons.

I was slightly annoyed that Alice had taken her away, but I refrained from intruding on them. Alice tended to be a little scary when her craft projects were interrupted. “You alright?” I asked Jas, who was still across the room.

{Better than expected.}

“Good.”

Rosalie left quickly, and Emmett followed closely behind her.

“Why would you tell me, Edward? I had no time to prepare, maybe I should pop over to the store. Is she hungry?” Esme was spiraling, her maternal instincts were fully activated.

“She just ate, you don’t need to lift a finger,” I assured her. “We aren’t going to stay for long.”

Bella POV:

Somehow I had found myself being measured by Alice in a rather strange-looking room. The walls were painted an intense shade of maroon, which was barely visible behind the ceiling-to-floor collage of pictures on each of the 4 walls. They weren’t all pictures, there were quite a few magazine clippings, some hastily drawn sketches, and some well-rendered pieces of art, all people modeling clothing. There was a large desk in the center of the room with a well-loved industrial sewing machine, there was also a smaller ancient-looking one in the corner. Every surface of the desk was covered in pieces of half-finished clothing, scraps of fabrics, pins, thread, buttons, and what looked like pieces of cut-up plastic bag, it was dizzying just to keep my eyes open.

“Turn around.” She said, I followed her instruction and she pressed the measuring tape to each of my shoulders. “Perfect. It’ll look so good on you.”

“What are you making me again?” I asked again.I normally would have protested.anyone taking my measurements, but it happened so quickly, before I had the time to say no it was already happening. I would just have to pretend like it wasn't happening until it was over.

“Do you know who Twiggy was?” She asked.

I shook my head.

“Ugh, when you go home you need to look her up. She is fabulous. Think 60s high neckline, shapeless, looks divine with ballet flats. Though these days I prefer a nice platform, Mary Jane. I’ll send you pictures of fabrics tomorrow, you can pick your favorite.”

I nodded, trying to hide how overwhelmed I was. “I didn’t know you liked to sew.”

“I adore it. Often it's the only way I can complete my visions. I have a theory that when I was human my mother taught me how to sew.” She said as she moved to measure the diameter of my arms.
I purposely looked away from the tape measure and the notebook she was recording my measurements on. “You don’t remember your human life?” I asked, trying to distract myself from peaking over at the numbers. I was also of course intrigued by Alice, she was the most talkative out of all the Cullens, but had this incredible mystery to her. They way the Edward talked about her, it seemed as though he hadn’t quite figured her out yet, and he could read her mind.

“No, I used to think it was sad, I would spend a lot of time daydreaming about who I had been. But, now I am grateful that I don’t remember the pain of transformation from human to vampire, everyone has told me it was unfathomable. You know, I’m not even sure Alice is my real name. I woke up on the grounds of an asylum in North Carolina and I kept thinking that I was Alice and had gone through the looking glass. I was in a hospital gown and my hair was shaved. Like I said, it’s probably for the best that I don’t remember.” She was more somber than I had ever heard her voice become. I wanted to pull her into a hug, I worried about what had happened to her, but my heart ached that she would never know. I wondered if all of their human lives were as bad as what I had heard from Alice and Edward, I guessed people in the historical past generally didn’t live particularly happy lives.

“I'm sorry Alice, that can’t be easy to deal with.”

“Oh, I’ve gotten over it.” She seemed to spring back to her normal self. “I’ve had a lot of time, I honestly think I was meant to be a vampire. Don’t I have the bone structure for immortality?”
I giggled as she posed for me.

After Alice finished her measurements of me, we returned to the living room to find Jas, Emmett, and Edward locked in what looked like an intense game of shoots and ladders. I gave Alice a confused look, I imagined that vampires played slightly more sophisticated games, not ones made for children.

“There is absolutely no strategy, it's all up to chance, it's one of the only games Edward can play with them. Emmett is going to win.”

I returned to Edward’s side, leaning my elbow on his shoulder and pressing my hip against his side, and watched on. Their hands moved so incredibly fast, that my eyes could barely pick up on the movements as they rolled and passed the dice and moved the pieces. Suddenly Emmett jumped up with such force that it made the house shake. I wobbled slightly, but Edward steadied me with his arm wrapping behind my back. “That’s gotta be a world record, a win in 6 rolls!” Emmett exclaimed.

“He somehow figured out how to cheat on shoots and ladders.” I heard Edward mumble beside me.

“I don’t cheat Eddy, that’s below me.” He accused, with a pointed finger. “You know I didn’t.”

“Eddy?” I asked Edward, there was no hope of concealing my smile.

He looked incredibly embarrassed like he should have been blushing. “I have asked him not to call me that, but he insists.” He said defeatedly.

“That’s right Eddy.”

“And that is our cue.” Edward stood up and gently pulled me toward the staircase that descended towards the door. Even though he looked as though he was having a good time, I could tell he was becoming overstimulated, his eyes were flickering back and forth, something I noticed he did when it was more than just me and him in the room. I suspected it was him trying to sort out the thoughts coming into his brain.

“But she just got here.” Esme was quickly in our way, seemingly out of thin air. “Do you want some tea or hot chocolate, it's awfully cold outside?”

“Oh, I- uh.” I was trying to be polite, clearly, Edward was getting overwhelmed, and I was sure all of their thoughts were hard to contend with. Especially since I was there. “I’m actually getting a bit tired. But it was so lovely to see you again.” I pulled Esme into an embrace.

“Oh, it was lovely to see you too, Bella. Please come whenever you like.” She held me close for a moment.

I nodded. “I will.” I turned to the rest of the room. “Thank you for inviting me, have a wonderful night.”

And we were quickly out the door and back in the car. “I’m sorry, I think they’re just overexcited.” He said as I got buckled in. “Do you want to recline the seat?”

“What?” I was momentarily confused.

“You told Esme you were tired.”

“Oh-” I had been caught in my white lie, “I could tell you needed to get out of there,” I admitted. “Plus, I think if I stayed any longer Alice would have threatened to make me a ballgown.”

He smiled and leaned over to kiss me. It was normal at first, his normal delicate insistence, but it quickly turned into something more passionate. “So you’re not tired?” He asked, pulling away for a moment.

I shook my head too eagerly. I wanted him desperately. Even though his fingers and his mouth had kept me more than satisfied for a few months, I still yearned for more. While furiously making out with him, I unbuckled my seatbelt and stopped just short of climbing on top of him, forgetting that we were in his driveway in full view of his vampire family. I felt his hands traverse down my back, his hands settled on my ass, he seemed to momentarily forget as well.

“Wait,” I said, pulling away, but his mouth just moved to my neck. “We need to find somewhere else.” I was breathless.

Suddenly I was back in my seat, my seatbelt had been buckled and we were roaring to an unknown destination. He was clearly impatient, which kind of turned me on. 10 minutes later we were traveling down a gravel road, it was difficult to see anything in the dark. “Do you recognize it?” He asked, pulling over to the side.

I shook my head, suddenly he was at my door, pulling it open, unbuckling my seatbelt, and guiding me out of the car. Maybe I was overtired, or frustrated of being miserable, or comfortable enough with him to let go. He was still with me, even after seeing me at my worst. Maybe I was finally getting it through my head that he wasn't going to up and leave one day. Maybe I was just ready to live in the moment.

After a few minutes of being lead blindly through the woods, his mouth was again frantically traversing my exposed frosty skin. My hands seemed to automatically reach for my hair, pulling it out of its half up half down style, falling onto my shoulders. He stopped for a moment, pulling away to look at me. He was certainly beautiful in the sunlight which made his skin look like diamonds, but it was no match for what he looked like in the moonlight. A glowing white light came from his skin, he was truly like an angel. He tucked a piece of hair behind my ear. With the light coming from the moon's reflection on his skin I could see the long billow grass under our feet. “The meadow!” I exclaimed.

He smiled. “Look up.”

Above us was a full yellow moon and a million twinkling stars. I guess I had gotten used to the constant light pollution from living at school, but I was in awe of how many I could see, not just the north star and the big dipper, but a hundred thousand constellations whose stories had been told over and over. I could even see the dust and gas that made up the Milky Way. I lowered my eyes back to Edward and ravenously pressed my lips back to his like it was the only place they had ever belonged. “I love you,” I whispered. My hands returned to the back of his head, in his hair which I tangled in my fingers.

He gently scooped me off my feet and lowered me to the ground, which was covered in a blanket he must have stowed and laid out when I was marveling at the sky. “Bella, you are my moon and my stars.” He gently lowered himself on top of me but kept most of his weight off of my body, but I could still feel him pressing against me. He kissed down my sternum. “The ground beneath my feet and the clouds in the sky. You are everything.” He was whispering like it was a prayer. “I love you more than I knew I could.”

I was already frantically trying to free my arms from my coat, once I had done so, he reached up with an aiding hand to help slip the fabric up and over my shoulders. I shimmied my underwear off. I never felt more cofortable with anyone. Then his mouth was on the soft flesh of my breast, his tongue created a sensation which I didn’t know I could feel. I couldn't help but let his name escape my mouth.

“God, you’re so beautiful.” He whispered. He turned his mouth to mine and I helped him unbutton his shirt. “I want to try again tonight. I think I have it under control now. But, if I hurt you, you have to tell me immediately.”

I nodded quickly. “I will. I trust you more than I trust anyone else.”

It made me happy that he simply smiled and didn’t try to dismiss how strong he was, how much control he actually had over his thirst. I was constantly in awe of his restraint. He turned his attention to his hand, traversing my body, down my shoulder, across my chest, over my breast, down my stomach, until finally he slipped two of his fingers inside of me. He didn’t need to do much to get me ready. As his speed and his pressure increased I couldn't help but arch my back and press myself against him, aching for climax.

Then his fingers left me to unbuckle his pants, but before I could protest his absence I felt him up against me again. I wrapped my legs around him. He hesitated for just a moment. I gave him a quick nod and I felt him enter me, slowly at first, I relaxed around him and he went in deeper. I concentrated as much as I could on his expression, though I was on the brink of seeing stars. He was slow at first, but with confidence, he gained speed and rhythm. I pulled his face down to kiss me, he did so willingly and easily.

I began to lose what little focus I had on him and started to lose control over my body. The feeling of him between my legs and his hands grabbing at my flesh switched something in my brain which made pleasure its only directive. A few moans escaped my mouth as I arched my back again. Then seemingly all at once, an explosion of feeling made my brain light up and I physically did anything else other than shudder against him and let my head fall back onto the blanket, breathlessly panting. He lay down at the spot next to me and silently watched me as I regained control of myself.
I turned over to face him, his golden eyes were looking me up and down. “You okay?” I asked, reaching over and gently rubbing his arm.

He smiled. “I should be asking you that.” He was still inspecting me.

“I don’t feel any scratches or bruises, though I am a little cold.” He quickly covered me with both of our coats. “You’re amazing, you know,” I added.

“Did you like it?” He moved his hand to my hair, smoothing it down.

“Did I like it?” I laughed. “It was…perfect. Did you like it? Is it different for vampires?”

He shook his head. “I’m not really sure. Before I was turned I hadn’t ever done that before. But what I can tell, for humans or vampires, I can’t imagine it gets better than that.”

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

I was unsure what was happening, but my gift seemed to be giving me more trouble than normal. I couldn’t spend any significant amount of time in the Cullen household, even while I was playing piano the thoughts of my family were like an ice pick to my brain. I was grateful that the semester would be done soon because I had similar issues on campus, the constant buzz of thoughts made it incredibly difficult to function let alone concentrate. If Bella hadn’t been there picking up the slack for me when I was unable to act human, I would have had to drop out. The last time my gift had been so debilitating was when I was detoxing the second time, the final time.

Thank god Bella’s apartment was often empty, her roommates Jessica and Angela had very different schedules from her, and even when they were there, one or two voices to contend with was manageable.

“You’re worried about me,” I said as we lay in her bed, my head settled against her chest.

“No,” she said in a wavering voice. She was a horrible liar.

“You’ve been doing that for hours,” I said, looking down at my fingers, which she had been eternally lacing and unlacing her fingers with.

“Okay, maybe I am.” She admitted. “Can I not worry about my boyfriend?” She asked with a smirk.

Boyfriend. The word was not new, at least relatively. We had referred to each other as boyfriend and girlfriend all the time. But every so often, seemingly at random when she referred to me as such I would metaphorically feel a shiver down my spine. The word had a certain quality to it, a warm rosy glow. “I’m okay I promise, it's just- it’ll pass soon.” I hoped. It rarely became as bad as it was. “Can I thank you?”

“For what?”

“For saving me from exposing myself as a vampire, on more than a few occasions.” There had been countless times in class, with her friend, or even just when I went with her after class to get coffee where it would all become too much and I would just stare off into space for extended periods of time. She had gotten good at it too, I usually was out of it enough to where she could just make an excuse to whatever party we were conversing with and lead me away to a secluded corner or to outside so I could regain composure.

“Saving is a bit dramatic. I don’t think anyone’s first thought would be a vampire. You could easily be strung out on something, or just…very deep in thought.”

“Maybe, but I really appreciate that you take it all in stride. Thank you.”

“You’re welcome. But, I don’t mind at all. You’re sure you’re gonna be okay at this party?”

Jessica had invited seemingly half of the campus to the end-of-semester party including myself and by extension Alice, who was of course ecstatic. In the mid-80s she had made a pact to only attend college parties hosted by women, which along with Bella being there meant nothing was keeping Alice from showing up.

“We can skip it and just do something else.” She added.

I looked into her brown eyes, so genuine, no matter how painful the experience of being stuck in an apartment with dozens of people, I wanted to make her happy. I knew she wanted to go, Jessica, Angela and her had been planning nonstop, complete with a 70s-themed photo wall, drinks, and snacks. I even caught her on a few occasions adding songs to a “Fall Semester Party” playlist. I could endure anything for a few hours, especially for her, even if I was just barely hanging onto consciousness swaying in the corner of the room. Bella was right, I didn’t need to act human, I could feign being high on something. “No, I want to go. I’m excited.” I said unconvincingly.

She gave me a knowing look. She leaned over and pressed a kiss to my lips. “Do you want to see my outfit? Jess and Ang have matching ones.”

“I assume it’s 70s-themed as well,” I commented.

“Well as 70s as Forever 21 can get.”

I playfully put my hand over my closed eyes. After a few minutes of rustling, she bid me to open my eyes. She wore a pair of black bell-bottom jeans which were certainly distracting in the way they hugged her thighs and hips, but they were certainly not the worst offender. Her top, well half of a top, was a purple velvety material dotted with tiny silver stars with a flare sleeve that plunged deeply, emphasizing the fullness of her chest in a way that made me unable to focus.

“Do you like it?” She asked, twirling around.

I stood up and pulled her against me, her warmth radiating through my clothes into my cold skin. I shook my head. “You are going to be the death of me,” I whispered to her.
“Good thing you’re immortal. You think it's too much? I don’t often show this much cleavage.” She said, pulling up at the fabric.

I laughed and kissed the top of her head. “Now you’re just rubbing it in.”

It was only a few hours before the party started, I found myself in the kitchen preparing a small army of jello shots in various fluorescent colors. I listened to the girls in the living room who were putting the finishing touches on the decoration, luckily Bella let me hang the disco ball from the ceiling. As soon as I saw her crawl up onto a wobbly-legged chair, I knew she would find a way to accidentally injure herself.

I had gotten very used to Jessica and Angela’s thoughts. Jessica’s were loud, at least in comparison to Angela’s which I needed to strain to pick up. Both of them were completely oblivious to the supernatural activity which had become tangled in their lives. The mundanity of their thoughts was almost soothing at times. Jessica perpetually daydreamed about placing herself in fantasy novels which she regularly devoured, she particularly liked the ones with dragons in them. Angela worried that she would die alone with 10 cats, never having had a real romance like the ones she had idolized as a little girl. I wondered how much their thoughts differed to Bella’s, was she worried about things she should be, or was she too preoccupied with blood-sucking demons to think about the normal stuff. I hoped she thought about the normal stuff.

Soon the guests began to arrive. The first was Mike, naturally, carrying with him a case of Bud Light in a cooler along with a few of his friends from the basketball team. He was still wary of me, but he adored Bella like a sister. He was one of the few people who didn’t overlook her everyday kindnesses. He tolerated me for her, which was all I could ask for. I found myself clinging to Bella’s side as she made small talk with Mike’s friends who she was less acquainted with. I couldn’t help but feel protective as their thoughts along with their eyes traveled down to her exposed chest. It was a fact of life that men generally thought of women less as people and more as body parts to satisfy a particular need or want in them. I had been witness to some truly vile thoughts throughout the years, and often even acted to stop men from doing unspeakable things to women and girls. But after falling in love with Bella, the passing objectifying thoughts of these young men, which were relatively tame in comparison to what I had heard in the past, were making me angry, more than they should have.

“Hey.” She said quietly to me, while the others were embroiled in conversation. “You okay?”

I smiled and nodded.

{Her rack is an 11/10, no contest, and she has an ass too? I gotta stop dating these skinny chicks} I shot a glare in the general direction of the thought, though the exact source was unknown. I tightened my grip around Bella, having to remind myself that I needed to be delicate with her. One wrong move and I could injure her.

{Her boyfriend is kinda weird, he looks sick like he’s almost dead.}

{I heard big girls give great head, I should ask him if that’s true.}

{I can’t fucking believe Mike, he’s already trashed.}

“...a break. Edward?” Bella was shaking my arm.

“Hmm?” I pushed the buzz of thoughts back so they were at bay for a moment at least.

“Maybe we should go outside.” Her earnest eyes melted me.

“Okay.”

She took my hand and led me out to the hallway and over to the stairwell where the thoughts were more manageable. She wrapped her arms around me, which grounded me. With each rise and fall of her chest, I could feel life being breathed into me. “I’m sorry,” I said, realizing what had happened.

“Don’t apologize, you would have done the same for me. I’m sure it's overwhelming.” She said, pulling away.

It was. {This apartment reminds me of our New York one, back in ‘98. That was so much fun.} Alice’s thoughts were loud even as she approached Bella’s building. “It’s okay. Why don’t you go back, Alice is almost here.”

She gave me a peck before slipping back to the party. Alice was as she always was, dressed completely impractically for blending in with humans. Complete with her 6-inch platform vintage boots which made her a more normal height. She was used to being the only vampire in the room when attending such events, vampires tended to like to be more conspicuous. Not that I would actually be able to be an active participant in the party, but she was grateful nonetheless for my presence. {I’m sure Bella looks delicious, she texted me a picture of her outfit. I’m sure she looks even better in person.}

“Word choice Alice.” I chided as soon as she was in view. She climbed the stairs at a normal human rate just in case anyone saw us.

“Sorry, not delicious, how about divine?”

“Better.” Divine still didn’t quite capture Bella’s beauty, the word that described her was surely not invented yet.

{She does smell delectable.}

“Alice!” I hissed, even the mention of Bella being a meal for a vampire put me on edge, even if it was just to get a rise out of me.

“Sorry, you know I would never. I adore Bella and would never dream of putting her in danger... plus I believe I’m the only one out of all of us with a perfect record.” She added.

It was true, Alice was the only one to never have tasted human blood, she was an anomaly. Seemingly, under the strange circumstances of how she came to be a vampire, she had developed a conscience on her own. She never gave in to her instincts, even while she was a newborn. She was much stronger than her small frame let on. “You’ve mentioned it once or twice.”

“Alright.” She rubbed her hands together. “How do I look?” She asked, smoothing down her dark purple blouse.

“Perfectly strange.”

She twirled around. “That’s exactly what I was going for.”

I watched on as Alice and Bella took on two of the boys from the basketball team in a game of beer pong, but instead of beer, it was Malibu. Not exactly the best idea, but I wanted Bella to have fun. She was, the only other time I had seen her more than buzzed was the night we had our first kiss. Admittedly I liked how carefree it made her, back then she was so self-conscious that the alcohol took away that outer layer of anxiety. She didn’t struggle as much with it anymore, it felt like most of the time she was comfortable with being herself. I had to remind myself that she was in college, it was normal to go a little overboard, in fact when comparing her drinking habits to her peers she was a saint.

Alice purposefully missed only a few shots to not raise suspicions but still dominated the boys who went into it rather cocky. Alice even feigned ignorance, asking her opponents to explain the rules of the game before sweeping the floor with them. Each time she made it, the boys' faces turned to awe, prompting Alice and Bella to giggle uncontrollably. It was entertaining to watch, which was all I could do with the constant bombardment of thoughts coming into my head from all directions.

Once the game ended Bella excused herself to go to the bathroom. Alice came back over to me and I chided her for being careless, then she accused me of being sexist, girls can be good at beer pong, she didn’t mean it but she was correct. Bella returned quickly, I felt her hand on my shoulder and I quickly pulled her into my lap.

“You’re never gonna believe who I saw in the bathroom making out.” She said, her face was red and her mouth was curved into a big goofy smile.

“Who?” I indulged.

“Angela and Eric. I think he’s an Engineering major.” She whispered. “She hasn’t even kissed anyone since her high school boyfriend. I’m so happy for her.” She wrapped her arms around me with a force I didn’t know she was capable of then rested her head on my shoulder.

I couldn’t help a little bit of laughter escape my lips. Cute and endearing were words that described her inebriated state, but this was a whole different level.

“Are you laughing at me because I’m drunk?” She swatted my shoulder.

“N-no.” I placed a hand over my mouth to conceal my smile.

“You are.” She whined.

“No, no,” I said, inching her closer to me. “You’re just cute. You’re always cute.” I rested my forehead against hers.

“Jello shot time!” Mike announced coming through the kitchen door, holding a tray in each hand. He made his way around the room and handed two to Bella.

“You don’t like green jello right?” she asked, even when drunk she was concerned with keeping up my farce.

“I hate whatever flavor green is.” I joked. “You can have mine.”

She tipped one of them back. “Lime? I think?” Then the other.

The party began to die down around 1:00, Alice had left at 12:00, and she promised Jas a midnight hunt. I found a couple of frozen pizzas in the freezer and decided to put them in the oven for the 4 of them, Mike was in no state to walk, let alone drive back to his apartment. I brought them along with a large pitcher of iced water and four glasses into the living room where they were all camped out, enthralled with the 31st season of Survivor.

“Oh my god! You’re incredible Edward.” Jessica said, pulling a piping hot slice of pepperoni onto a paper plate. “How are you not drunk?”

“I don’t like jello,” I commented. It was nice to have the apartment clear of so many people, even though there were 3 people in the room whose thoughts I could read, their altered state of mind made their thoughts come and go more slowly so it was easier to focus.

I sat down next to Bella. “Drink and eat,” I said, handing her a glass of water and a plate with three slices of pizza on it. She did so dutifully, but quickly claimed me as her vampire pillow. I didn’t think I was that comfortable, but she didn’t seem to mind. I didn’t mind either.

Bella POV:

I woke up with a pounding headache and a pain in my stomach- I ran to the bathroom, making it to the toilet just in time to empty the contents of my stomach into it. I felt a cold hand on my back gently rubbing, it was nice since I felt like I was on fire. As soon as I was done, knowing nothing more would come up, I wiped my mouth, closed the lid, and flushed it. I turned toward him, he had a sympathetic smile and my water bottle in his hand. “I’m sorry, I’m sure it’s really gross for you.” I sat down, apprehensive to leave the bathroom, my stomach still didn’t feel the best. I took a swig from my water bottle.

“I don’t mind.” He said simply.

“Really?” I was grossed out by myself throwing up, how could he not be? I had thought about it before, from the perspective of a vampire, normal human bodily functions were kind of disgusting. The gunk in the corner of our eyes, swallowing our saliva, even the act of eating and drinking is kind of grotesque. I didn’t want to think about how many times I had food in my teeth, I’m sure he could see the hair on my upper lip growing in between waxing.

“You’re human Bella, it’s a part of being human. I promise I don’t mind. Can I get you anything?”

He seemed to quell my momentary anxiety. “My towel please.” Before I finished my sentence he was gone and back. “Thank you.” I had gotten used to the speed at which he could move. “The jello shots were a bad idea.” I closed my eyes feeling like the brightness from the light was burning a hole into my brain.

“Maybe.”

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

I was mesmerized by the way he so effortlessly harmonized to the song playing over the radio, of course, he could also sing.

“You like Frank Sinatra?” He asked, turning the music down, and keeping his eyes on the road.

“I wasn’t really paying attention to the radio,” I said, sliding across the bench seat of the truck to lean against him. He settled his arm around me.

He retracted it almost immediately. “You’re freezing. I can’t believe this pile of scrap metal doesn’t have heat.”

“I’m fine.” I protested, wrapping my arms around him. “And be nice to her, she’s sensitive.”

“Your truck is she?” He asked, I felt his arm return itself across my shoulders.

“Of course.”

“Maybe your New Year's present will be a heating system.”

“New Year's present?” I inquired.

“You said no Christmas presents.”

I rolled my eyes. He laughed. Though I had broken my own rule and had already gotten him a Christmas present. I couldn’t resist. But I would’ve had give to him after I got back from Phoenix.
Charlie had insisted that he drive me to the airport for my flight to Phoenix later that week, so I had an excuse to drive back from school with Edward. We stopped at his house first to drop him off so that on the off chance Charlie was home early Edward mysteriously disappearing into the forest wouldn’t raise any suspicions. After he parked in the driveway I slid over to the driver’s seat. “Bye,” I said after cranking down the window. “Do you want to come tonight? I’ll leave my window open.”

“Yeah.” He said, distractedly, his head half turned toward the house.

I looked into his eyes as he lowered his face to kiss me. I could have sworn his eyes were moving back and forth rapidly, like when he was struggling with all the thoughts in his head, but faster. As soon as I understood what was happening, his eyes stilled as if it never happened.

“I love you.” He whispered.

“I love you too.”

My stomach twisted as I watched him disappear into the house.

I stopped at the grocery store on the way back to my house. I cringed to think the amount of times Charlie ate out when I wasn’t there to cook for him. As much as he defied normal expectations of a sheriff in a small town, he flew a pride flag outside of our house in June, he donated to Planned Parenthood, and he was committed to maintaining a good relationship with the Quileute elder’s council, he couldn’t cook anything unless it was microwavable.

I was deciding between apple varieties when my eye was caught by a flash of red hair and impossibly pale skin. She was beautiful, with strong pointed features, pale complexion, and deep red eyes, which stared directly at me…could she be? I felt my heart begin to race like a rabbit being stalked by a fox. I reached to pull my phone out but ended up knocking a few apples onto the ground. My eyes darted down at the distraction, but when they returned to the same spot where she was, she had vanished.

As I shakily continued my shopping, I began to convince myself she wasn’t what I thought. Why would a vampire ever go to a grocery store? Maybe she had been merely a very beautiful girl with very pale skin. The red eyes had been a trick of the light or my imagination. I have read so many articles about how your brain fills in information that isn’t there because it expects it. Though the only vampire that I had seen with red eyes was Jas. It put me on edge, I kept looking over my shoulder, any human was helpless against a vampire, the only reason we had any safety was because of our numbers.

By the end of my shopping trip, I had convinced myself that what I had seen was not a vampire, after all, I hadn’t gotten a good look at her. But I still felt myself rushing to my truck, like turning the light off in a room and having to run out of it when I was a kid. I made it home, the lights were off and it was almost dark outside, and Charlie’s car was of course absent from the driveway. I shouldn’t have been as scared as I was entering the empty house, but despite my brain telling me I was okay, the thumping of my heart made me check around each corner.

I had just put the lasagne in the oven when I heard the side door open and close. “Smells good Bells,” Charlie called. “Spaghetti?”

“Veggie lasagne,” I said, feeling at ease to not be alone.

“I hope it’s not just veggies.” He said, peering his head around the corner. “Any meat in there?”

“Just veggies Dad, it wouldn’t kill you to have one meal without red meat,” I said

“I suppose.” He said grumbling his way over to the couch.

I set myself to prepare vegetables for the salad.

Maybe I should have called Edward, I thought. Even if it was all in my head, just as a precaution. They all talked about how good my blood smelled, maybe I was more at risk of being a target. I didn’t even really know any hunting tactics for vampires, my assumption was they hunted at night in a discrete manner, but no one had even actually spelled out the details to me. I just had a bad feeli-
My knife over the carrot and landed directly on my thumb, slicing into the flesh. As soon as I felt the pain, a mixture of stinging and sharp deep ache, I pulled my hand away, causing the knife to fly down towards my feet, luckily I was quick enough to dodge it and ran over to the sink and turned on the water. I must have been shouting a lot of expletives because Charlie came running. I looked over at my thumb, the blood was seeping out of the deep cut, I worried it was down to the bone, I had felt the crack of the metal vibrate through my hand. It throbbed painfully. “I cut my hand,” I said, but it was already too late, it was hard to breathe. I knew what was going to happen, I was never good with seeing blood. I felt the ringing in my ears and the pressure in my head.
The ringing and the pressure returned before I even knew it had left. “Bella, honey.” I heard Charlie’s voice come into focus. “You okay?”

I was on the floor, my thumb was still throbbing, but it had something wrapped around it. “Did I faint?” I asked, my head was incredibly heavy, and I was unable to remove it from the hard surface below me. Charlie knelt over me.

“Yeah. I caught you though.”

“That hasn’t happened in a while,” I remarked. “That last time was…”

“When you were a kid. I remember you got a paper cut once, and you fainted. And your mom was so worried she took you to the hospital, I couldn’t talk her down off that ledge. Here.” He offered me his hand and I gingerly sat up, then got to my wobbly feet and walked slowly over to the couch. He got me a glass of water and one of the chocolate chip granola bars I had just bought. I sipped my water and took small bites for a few minutes while the ringing faded. I dared to look at my hand, which Charlie had expertly wrapped with about half a roll of paper towel. I saw dots of blood begin to soak through. “Let me take a better look at that.” He said, unwrapping it. I averted my eyes. It stung as he unwrapped the innermost layer. “Yep, you’re gonna need stitches.”

“Hey,” I said as soon as Edward picked up.

“Hi, everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m sorry, it’s not lost on me that I call you every 5 minutes.” I felt incredibly needy.

“You don't, darling. Trust me, I’ve been relying on you more than my fair share lately.”

“It’s so stupid, I just wasn’t paying attention and I sliced my thumb open when I was making dinner. Charlie said I might need stitches for it, he’s driving me to urgent care right now.” It was not an uncommon trip that we took, sprained ankles, burns, cuts, a broken arm, and a dislocated shoulder were all things that could have been avoided if I wasn’t so incredibly clumsy.

“Do you want me to come?” I could already hear the panic rise in him.

“No, you don’t have to, I’m sure it will be quick.” Stitches were not time-consuming and I didn’t want to make him uncomfortable, my blood was already soaking through the second round of paper towels. He might not have admitted it, but it would be difficult for him to stand, I didn’t want to put him in that position. Not to mention other people being there, potentially also bleeding. “Also, I kind of fainted because of the blood, it used to happen all the time when I was a kid.”

I could almost hear him grinding his teeth together. “That doesn't exactly put me at ease.”

“I know, but I’m okay. I’ll see you tomorrow. Bye “ I said, as soon as I hung up, I sent a text to him.

Texting with one hand was frustrating.

Sorry, Charlie’s in the car. I’ll open my window when I get back, will you come?

E: Of course. Are you sure you’re alright?

Yeah, I’m okay. I was just being clumsy.

E: Does it hurt?

Kind of. Not as much now.

E: I love you, text me when you’re home.

I will. I love you too

It only took 4 stitches. By the time I had gotten into the waiting room, the blood was running down my arm. Luckily Carlisle didn’t have a shift that night, saving me a little bit of embarrassment. Carlisle must have been incredibly strong to be able to be a doctor and save people's lives all while resisting his most basic instinct. It was very admirable.

I was so tired from the whole ordeal that as soon as I got home, I only had enough energy to open the window, strip my clothes off, and fall into bed. I heard the window close gently and felt Edward crawl into bed next to me. “How do you feel?” His hand moved to my cheek,

“Pretty numb,” I said, pulling my bandaged hand up to show him. “Can you smell the blood?”

“A little, it doesn’t bother me though.” He took my hand gently in his and began examining it. “You just cut yourself?”

I smiled, “Yeah, I just…wasn’t paying attention.” I don’t know why I didn’t tell him about what I thought I had seen, she didn’t even feel real to me. “The knife slipped.” As soon as I finished speaking my stomach grumbled along with a twinge of hunger. I realized I hadn’t actually ever eaten the lasagna, Charlie had taken it out of the oven before we left for urgent care.

“You hungry?” He asked.

“Yeah, but I’m too tired.” The thought of getting up to do anything seemed monumental.

“I’ll make you something.” He said, finding some confidence.

“You don’t have to.” I was worried, I didn’t think he was capable of entering a kitchen without detailed instructions.

“I want to, what would you like?”

“PB and J?”

*********************************************************************************

I awoke to the vibrating of my phone against my desk where it was plugged in. I instinctively reached over to the other side of the bed for Edward, but found it empty. I had noticed this, that he often left once I had fallen asleep to hunt, he said that was the best time. So I wasn’t worried by his absence until I looked at my phone which read “3:38 am, Carlisle calling”

“Hello?” I asked shakily, there was no reason he would be calling me at that hour unless it was an emergency.

“Bella, I’m sorry to wake you. But, something is wrong with Edward.” His voice was strained with concern.

“What?” I couldn't breathe, he had just been with me, making me peanut butter and jelly, reading Pride and Prejudice to me until I fell asleep.

“I’m not really sure, we think he is having some sort of catatonic episode. We are unsure what to do, maybe you could get through to him. Can you come to the house?”

I was already pulling on sweatpants and trying to locate my keys in the dark. “Yes, I’m coming. Is he okay?” I felt the sweat forming on my palms, I was gripping the phone so hard it was aggravating my fresh wound.

“I don’t know.”

My heart sank. He was fine, just hours earlier. What did Carlisle mean by catatonic? “I’ll be there soon.”

I was shivering as I drove down the street, or maybe I was shaking from the adrenaline that was coursing through my veins. Carlisle was a 400-year-old vampire doctor, I was unsure I could do anything if he was at a loss of what to do. The Cullen house seemed farther than it had ever been as my mind raced through potential scenarios, thinking the worst.

I was met at the door by a stoney-faced Rosalie. I raced up the stairs without greeting any of them, who were gathered in the living room. I was too focused on Edward. “He’s in his room,” Carlisle said and I made a B-line toward it.

Carlisle’s pale hand stopped me as I turned the door handle. “He could be erratic in this state.” He said. “I just wanted to warn you.”

“He won’t hurt me,” I said.

“I’ll stay with you as a precaution.”

I nodded. The door opened and I looked around the room frantically, I couldn’t find him at first, but I quickly spotted him tucked in the corner of the room, partially obscured by the bookshelf. His head and shoulders were also obscured by a blanket. I recognized it from my bed. He was impossibly still, as I examined him more it took the breath out of my lungs, his eyes were open but lacked any sign of life. His stillness reminded me of when I was 12 years old at the funeral of my great aunt, it was an open casket and the only thing I could think as they lowered her to the ground was that she looked so still. “Edward.” His name escaped my lips. The longer I looked at him, the more terrified I became. My knees threatened to give way below me. I looked back at Carlisle.
“Alice found him like this. That was hours ago.”

I approached him, the silence highlighted how deeply and raggedly I was breathing. I knelt in front of him. “Edward,” I said gently. I put a hand on his knee which was tucked up by his chin. I looked into his eyes, searching for something, anything. I realized after a moment that his eyes weren’t actually still, they were vibrating ever so slightly back and forth…almost like when-
I whipped my head in Calrisle’s direction. “I need everyone to leave, far enough away so that he can’t read your thoughts.” I was maybe too frantic, but I was desperate. It was much worse than what I thought, he wasn’t catatonic, he was trapped with all of their thoughts bouncing around in his head.

Carlisle hesitated. “You’re going to be alright?” He asked quickly.

I nodded. “I trust him.”

He was gone from the door. I directed my attention back to Edward. “Come back to me,” I said quietly, hoping I was right. It was just a guess. I stayed there, holding my breath, watching his eyes. Slowly, they began to still, then they blinked once and again. His body seemed to soften, he looked less and less like a statue. I pulled the blanket off his head and slipped it around his neck.
“Bella.” He finally said. He pulled me into an embrace, holding me more tightly than he ever had before. “Bella.” He kept saying over and over. I couldn't help the tears falling down my face, I could finally breathe again. I just wrapped my shaking arms around him and squeezed as tight as I could, nothing could make me let go of him.

“Oh god!” I said, fighting through my tears to speak. “I thought you were- I don’t know. I was so worried.”

“You’re here.” He buried his face into my shoulder.

“I’m here.”

Edward POV:

I curled a piece of her hair between my fingers, still making sense of everything that had happened. I looked down at her face, placid and restful as she slept on my lap. She looked so young, as people often do when they are asleep. I knew now the things she endured as a child, a time when people were discovering themselves, and coming into their own, she was just trying to survive. My heart ached knowing that she still carried those scars with her.

{She is extraordinary.} Carlisle’s thought slipped into my mind, gently. He was actively trying to keep them at bay. He was worried another episode would come on if he thought too much too quickly.
I simply nodded in agreement, but I knew she was much more than extraordinary. I savored the feeling of her shoulders gently rising and falling, the sound of the air passing in and out through her lungs, it was a deeply satisfying sound that could lull me to sleep, if I were able. “I should take her home,” I whispered, noticing the sun beginning to rise, the diffused light of the sun from behind the clouds creeping into the room casting gray-blue light. “How are the others?”{They were very worried, but are glad to hear you are feeling better.}

“I-I don’t really know what happened, one minute I was fine and the next the voices were just… all-consuming.” The inside of my skull physically ached, I had lost myself in the chamber of my mind. Nothing existed other than the thoughts of others, I didn’t even exist.

“Take your time to process, we don’t need all the answers right now.” With that he was gone, heading back to a far corner of the woods where I couldn’t hear his thoughts.

“Bella, darling,” I said gently, gently patting her back to wake her. “I need to take you home.”

She groaned and snuggled into me, tightly squeezing her hands around my midsection. “Noooo.”

I chuckled, nearly everything she did was incredibly endearing. “You need to get some sleep in a real bed.” She looked comfortable, but I wondered if that was because she had been exhausted from the trouble I caused her. I couldn’t have been a comfortable pillow, like sleeping on a cold lifeless stone.

She was normally more stubborn, but I took advantage of her sleepiness and pulled her up to her feet. The hair at the back of her head stuck up a little bit from where she had been sleeping on it. I smoothed it down. I entwined my hand in hers and led her down the stairs to where her truck was parked. She returned to her place, the place which I always wanted her to be, slumped against me on the bench seat of that rusty old truck. “You’re okay to drive?” She asked. Her eyes had already closed.

“Yeah, it's not like you’re in any state to drive.”

“True.” She said The engine roared to life, and I wrapped a blanket around her before pulling out of the driveway. I was beginning to piece everything together. I was lying with her in bed, she was sleeping when I began to feel off. The thoughts and dreams of the neighbors which I normally couldn't hear had begun to creep in. I decided to go back to the house to consult Carlisle. But when I entered the house, I was bombarded by the incredibly loud thoughts of my family members, I could feel myself slipping away, I couldn’t even form any thoughts of my own. Time lost meaning, and what eventually pulled me to the surface was her voice.

She stayed glued to my side taking the exit for Forks, driving down her street, pulling into her driveway, and finally walking up to her bedroom. The entire time she never seemed to want to let go of me, which I happily obliged. I curled into her, feeling her soft warm flesh even through multiple layers of fabric, her room smelled like her. We settled into her bed together. “You sure you’re okay?”

She asked sleepily.

“When I’m with you, everything is okay. Sleep now, you’ve had a long night.” I stroked her forearm with my fingers.

“You’ll stay with me?” She asked, closing her eyes.

“Of course.”

Chapter Text

`Bella POV:

“I don’t think I can do this Edward.” I clutched the phone against my ear, I could feel the sweat between my skin and the screen. The Arizona heat was already getting to me, in the short walk from the bus station to the house. I craved the constant coolness of Washington. Somehow Edward had convinced me to go even though I didn’t want to. I hadn’t wanted to leave him because of the episode that he had, not to mention I didn’t want to spend so much time with my mother.

“Get back on the plane right now. I’ll meet you at Sea-Tac.”

“I’ll actually do it.” I joked, I said approaching the front door. Mom’s car was in the driveway, the same ones she’d had since I was 12, a red station wagon.

“I’m booking your flight now.”

“No, no.” I ceded. “I’m already here. I’ll call you later. I love you.”

“I love you too darling. Don’t let her get to you.”

“I won’t.” I hung up and rang the doorbell. As I waited, I repeated in my head exactly what I had written out to say to her. “Mom, my issues in the past have dictated that in order to be happy I must be skinny, but I just want to be happy no matter what my body looks like. I am asking you to supp-”

“Hi, baby!” She announced, looking me up once and down before pulling me into a hug. “How was your flight?”

I was worried. She was being sickly sweet which always meant she would turn sour quickly. “It was good. Hi Phil.” I called out, he was standing in the hallway waiting to make his greetings. I gave him a quick hug as well.

“Okay, okay. Why don’t you throw your things upstairs and come back down, I want to hear all about everything, especially this boyfriend of yours.”

I threw my things on the guest bed. My old bedroom had been converted to a workout/training room for them. My mother has redecorated so often that it looked unrecognizable as my own house. It had baby blue walls, the floor was now carpeted, and the bed was a twin instead of the queen that I remembered. There was only one familiar picture, which hung above the bed. My mom and I when I was nine, posing next to a massive saguaro cactus. Next to the bed pushed up against the wall was a blue tile. A scale.

“Bella!” I heard Mom call from downstairs.

I tor my eyes away and shoved the scale under the bed and walked down the stairs.

*********************************************************************************

I was right, coming here had been a mistake. It was a complete shit show. My mother had prepared “dinner” consisting of chopped kale, carrots, celery, and spring onion all coated in a layer of lemon juice, salt, and pepper. Phil of course got two chicken breasts and some sort of terrifying-looking gluten-free carb-free “tortilla.” But Mom and I just got a salad. My mother of course looked skinny as ever and never stopped about her theories on diet and exercise. I tried my best to disassociate and ignore my growling stomach. I helped her with the dishes.

“Hey,” she said in the voice she used when she was trying to convince me of something. “Let’s go on a walk.”

I thought maybe it would allow me to tell her what I wanted to say. So I agreed. It was not the stroll around the neighborhood that I expected, it was a 45-minute power walk in the waning heat, but it was still only just bearable.

“Mom!” I called out as she sped ahead of me for the tenth time.

“Come on Bella.” She said, trying to be encouraging.

I was frustrated, breathless, hot, and tired. I was fed up. “No Mom! I want to talk to you. Please.”

She stopped and walked back over to me. “What is it, honey?”

“Mom, I don’t want to keep doing this. I don’t want to be skinny because it doesn’t make me happy, it makes me the opposite in fact. And you can if you want, but I’m not going to diet and over-exercise anymore. I would appreciate it if you didn’t make comments about my weight or size or what I eat or anything like that. Okay?”

Her eyes softened. “I just want you to be healthy honey.”

“This is how I am healthy.”

“You know it's harder for big girls. I don’t want that for you. I know that you’ve found a boy who likes you for who you are and looks past your weight, but don’t you want to make sure you can hold onto him?” She said in the same sickly sweet voice she had been using.

“So you would like me better if I was skinny?” I asked, trying to control my anger.

“I think everyone would, especially yourself.”

That was it, that was all I could take from her. I began to march back towards the house. My hands shook at my sides. She was my mother. She was supposed to love me unconditionally, to tell me I was beautiful when no one else thought so. I shouldn’t have been surprised she would say something like that, like it was a fact of life, like gravity. Everyone would like me more if I was someone else.

“Where are you going, Bella?” She followed after me.

“I’m leaving.” I seethed.

“What, where?” I could tell she was running now to catch up with me.

“To the airport, see if they can switch my flight to today. I’m going home.” It was stupid to come to Arizona. Every time I saw her I hoped that she miraculously changed into the mother I wanted. Magically her love became uncomplicated and not contingent upon how much I weighed.

“You just got here. This is your home.” She caught up with me and pulled me to a halt by my shoulders.

I shrugged her off. “Clearly not.”

She continued trying to plead with me the entire walk home, and through packing the few things I had unpacked. Finally, Phil had to convince her to not follow me to the bus stop. She kept apologizing, saying things like ‘I’m sorry you’re upset’ and ‘I didn’t want to make you angry’ because she truly didn’t even understand what she had done wrong, which seemed to dig the knife deeper.

It was only once I was at the bus stop that I truly didn’t know what I was going to do. I only had enough money in my account for a few nights at a hotel, I didn’t know how much it would be to switch my flight.

“Hello.” A female voice said, alerting me to her presence also at the bus stop. She seemed to appear out of nowhere. It startled me so much the adrenaline began to pump into my system.

“Hi.” I looked over, offering a cordial smile. The first thing I noticed about her was a mane of curly red hair peeking out from the hood of her University of Las Vegas sweatshirt. She wore big circle sunglasses, making it difficult to make out exactly what she looked like. Her hair was raggedy and her clothes seemed to be unwashed, her jeans had been ripped in a few places and were fraying at the bottom, and that’s when I noticed she didn’t have any shoes on. She was incredibly pale, like sickly-looking. I assumed she was strung out on something and kept my head down.

“Your name is Bella, right?”

“How do you know- , who are you?” I said, looking over at her. She had removed her glasses to reveal a set of blood-red eyes. It was her, the woman I had seen in the grocery store in Forks. My question seemed to agitate her, her red eyes were terrifying and seemed to get redder when she spoke.

“He didn’t tell you about me? Of course, he wouldn’t. I am Victoria, his creator, and his true mate, he and I have something a human could never understand.”

“I-I don’t know what you mean?” I tried to think, my phone was in my backpack, I glanced across the street, we were completely alone. I was powerless against her on a physical level, she was just as strong and fast as Edward was.

“My venom, the essence of me lives in his veins. He feels, just as I felt that deep connection to my creator, that he would never kill me even if I destroyed his little human. He’ll see soon, that you are nothing compared to me, that he was wrong to ever defy me in the first place.” She stood slowly.

I was paralyzed by fear as she walked over to me. I wondered if these were the last breaths I would take. “I don’t know how he resists, you smell so delicious.” She dragged an icy cold finger across my throat. She wrenched my hand up to her mouth making my shoulder pop, though I was so full of adrenaline I didn’t feel the pain. “Just a taste, I’m sure he won’t mind.” She sank her fangs into my flesh, I struggled against her, though it was a feeble attempt, and just tore the skin, making blood drip down my arm. She let go and suddenly the wind was roaring in my ears and my surroundings turned into one blur. She was draining me by the second. I was getting colder as the blood flowed from me to her. I was dying, my vision was beginning to tunnel, the blackness consuming everything I saw. She was going to kill me.

I regretted how I had acted toward my mother, if I had known that was our last conversation I would have said something else. I worried for Edward, Charlie, Jess and Ang, and even Jacob. How they would handle my death. Maybe on the off chance Victoria decided to turn me, I could at least have eternity with Edward. I was grateful for the time I had spent with him, with all of them. I didn’t want my life to end, but at least it was ending when I had been my happiest.

I ached, my shoulder, my back, and my wrist was more a sharp, pulsing pain. There were little pinpricks of light, at first it looked like a blanket I used to have as a kid, it was soft and black and let little specks of light in when I covered my face with it. It reminded me of the stars. But as my eyes focused, I realized it was the stars. There were thousands of them, way more than I was used to seeing, I was cold, I could see the dust of the Milky Way. I could see the north star, twinkling brighter and brighter, I was so cold that I wasn’t even shivering, it was like my muscles were frozen. I thought about the north star, a sun millions of miles away from me, doing its best to warm me up. I eventually succumbed to the semi-sleep state, learning nothing of my surroundings.

I awoke again, this time I had been shaken awake by cold hands, I knew they weren’t Edward’s. They were Victoria’s, she smelled like smoke. No, it was a fire. I could hear the crack and pop of the wood burning. She dragged me over to it in one motion, which jostled my tender muscles, but I was grateful to feel the warmth. It stung at first, against my bare skin. She placed a bottle of water next to me, reminding me my throat was like ash. “You humans are so feeble.” She mumbled. The fire seemed to breathe a bit of energy into me. I assessed my injuries, my wrist was gnarly to look at, though the bleeding seemed to have mostly stopped, the blood was beginning to congeal, though my forearm was covered in it and blood splotted my clothes. My bad shoulder ached, I suspected a dislocation so I tried not to move it as much as possible. There were a few scrapes elsewhere, but nothing bad.

I reserved half of the water and poured it over my wrist in an attempt to clean it. It seemed like the correct thing to do, but my first aid class in high school didn’t exactly cover this. I was just happy to be alive, I had lost a lot of blood and was feeling the effects. I was weak and like I was going to pass out at any moment, but she didn’t seem like she was going to kill me. She had enough control to stop drinking my blood. My stomach sank, and I looked over at her. She was watching me, completely still like a stone. She was luring Edward to her. I suddenly felt like throwing up.

It had been hours, I was going in and out of consciousness, curled up by the fire, using all of my willpower to keep my eyes open. It would be much easier to succumb to sleep even if it meant death, I could have been a goner anyway even if they did save me, and all of it would be for nothing, they would have risked themselves for a dead girl. I didn’t know what Victoria was planning, or even really why she was doing it.

“Sit up.” She was suddenly pulling me up by my bad shoulder. Pain shot down my whole arm. “It's time.” I unsteadily balanced myself with my “good” arm. Even the slight movement made me incredibly dizzy, my brain pounded against my skull. I took ragged shaky breaths. She crouched down in front of me and pulled my phone out of the pocket of her sweater. “Call him.”
I hesitated, she was luring him with me. If he knew I was alive, if he knew that I was in danger, he would come for me. That's what she wanted, I worried that she would hurt him. “Call him!” She screamed, bringing a hand down onto my calf hard, making me double over as the white-hot pain radiated from where she struck me.

It took a moment to compose myself, it seemed I had no other choice, and he picked up immediately. “Bella? What happened, where are you?” He was frantic, I didn’t know how long I had been missing, it was nighttime, but it could have easily been days since anyone had seen me.

I sealed my lips. I didn’t want him to hear my voice. I looked Victoria dead in the eyes, I wasn’t going to play a game and jeopardize Edward's life. “Bella? Are you there?” He sounded even more worried. I wanted to talk to him, I wanted to be in his arms, and I wanted him to whisper to me over and over that it was going to be okay. I held firm.

“Speak!” Victoria roared.

“Victoria? What- why do you have her? You are not to hurt her!” His tone grew dark.

“Speak!” She raised her hand to strike me again. A whimper escaped my lips

I took another shaky breath. I had to do something. I swallowed. “Edward! Don’t do it, don’t come, it's a trap!” I said frantically. But then I felt a calf shattering under her grip, and a blood-curdling scream that took me a moment to recognize as my own. Everything went black again.

Chapter Text

Edward POV:

She had her. She was killing her. She was torturing her. I pressed forward, willing my legs to go faster, I was probably breaking 200 miles per hour, still I needed to go faster. I needed to be there now, who knows what Victoria was doing to her, what she had already done to her. I knew Victoria had no regard for human life, she thought of people as disposable. To her humans were deformed base beings that could only become worthy through the process of vampiric transition. She had told me that I was her mate, but naively I took that for simple infatuation, just one of the many men she had found mildly attractive and turned for amusement. But I worried this act, taking and torturing Bella meant it was more than I originally thought. It didn’t really matter though, all that mattered was getting to Bella.

Carlisle and Alice were taking the next flight to Phoenix, they would be there by 6:00 pm. I had to locate her, tracking Bella’s scent would be easy, not because I was a particularly good tracker, but because I was so attuned to Bella’s scent. I needed a plan. I had the upper hand as I could anticipate her moves, however, I knew she would use Bella’s safety as leverage, it was all she had. Victoria was dictated by her emotions, but she was also smart. The rock turned to sand beneath my feet, I kept going.

Her scream played again in my ears. I don’t think I could ever forget it. If Bella was dead, I was the reason Victoria killed her, I don’t know how I could go on existing. Not just because of the guilt, but also the bleakness of having to face every day in a world where she no longer existed. Who is Hades without Persephone? Without her, all he had was his underworld. It was not an option.
The only way to kill a vampire is to rip us apart and burn the pieces to ash. My family would certainly be unwilling to do it, maybe they would convince me to continue for a few months, but eventually, I would have to do it, expose myself to the humans, and wait for the Volturi.

I was optimistic when I was with her, everything would work out, and even if it didn’t if she was there everything would be okay. My world was too dangerous for her and I had been reckless and naive and I had already gotten her hurt. She could be dead, she would certainly be scarred and bruised and battered and who knows what else. It made me sick to think of the invisible scars that the trauma she was going through would leave. It would have been better if I had stayed out of her life and watched from the sidelines. My insides boiled at thinking of her being with Jacob, but someone else, someone good and normal and human. Maybe she still could. I would have to love her from afar, as I should have all along.

Then I caught it, her scent was faint, but without a shadow of a doubt, it was hers. I followed it until I spotted a small dark red droplet in the sand, her blood. The scent was strong and mixed with another, Victoria. I guessed she had been carrying Bella who had been bleeding. It wasn’t fresh anymore, maybe 24 hours old. Charlie had called me yesterday morning, saying Bella was missing from her mother’s house, that night I got the call from Bella. It was hard to pin down a timeline, especially because Alice couldn’t see Bella in her visions. I continued, following the drops of blood. Victoria had not been trying to hide their location, straight line, a thick wall of Bella’s scent, and the drops of blood, even a human could follow it.

{What the hell is he even doing with this girl, this human. He always had a strange fascination for them. I never understood it, he needs convincing that it is beneath him to engage in such practices. I mean it's nearly impossible to control when he's… it's disgusting, I don’t even want to think about it. He’s disillusioned by that Carlisle Cullen and his cult. Maybe he was too young when I turned him, boys are still maturing at 19, or was he 18? I can’t remember. He was impressionable, he always has been. Why her? Ugh…she’s stirring again, so feeble yet somehow clinging to life. She can’t be that important to him, he’s taken long enough.}

Victoria was more volatile than I had given her credit for. She was clingy, emotional, and destructive at times, but I didn’t think she was capable of what she had done to lure me to her. I never thought she would remember me let alone have been thinking of me for the past century. I wanted to kill Victoria, my tether to her, the invisible string that we shared because she created me, was cut the moment she took Bella. The pity that I felt for her because of her nature was gone, I wanted her dead and I wanted Bella safe in my arms.

The scent of blood became overwhelming, the air was thick with it. Then I spotted Victoria, pacing back and forth in front of a fire, behind her was Bella. She was facing away from me, her body was limp, her pulse was weak, and her breaths were shallow, she was dying. I didn’t see any blood on her, but I was sure it was hers that I was smelling. I had to bite my tongue to stop myself from crying out to her. I stayed completely silent, focusing my attention on Victoria and how I could rip her apart. It would be difficult alone, though not impossible. But Bella, I thought, she needed medical attention soon, certainly a few blood transfusions, she was probably hypothermic. Escaping with her was my priority, Victoria's end would come later. I needed to get her away from Bella somehow.
I couldn’t wait any longer, Bella didn't have long. Once Victoria was facing away from me and I pounced, putting her immediately into a headlock, forcing her to the ground. She was strong as well, trying to claw free against my arms, but I held firm.

{Edward, you came} She thought with a smile, I was restricting her airway so she couldn’t speak. {I knew you would.}

“Shut up.” I spat, my skin crawled, Bella should have been saying that instead, she lay limp on the ground in front of us. I tightened my grip and began to pull up, trying to separate her head from the rest of her.

{What are you? Stop!} Now she was struggling for her life. She slipped from under my hands, and I chased after her, following her. I was faster than her and I could catch her. {You’re trying to kill me? But I am your creator, we share our venom, our life force is one and the same.} She was pleading with me.

“After what you did to Bella, how can I let you live?” The fire inside me was giving me fuel and determination. I was gaining on her.

“She’s some silly human, you’re infatuated with her, it will pass. We are forever.” She was still trying to convince me.

“Don’t you dare tell me what I feel, ” I reached out, catching her arm with one of my hands, sending us into a tumble onto the ground. Somehow she positioned herself on top of me, I was locked between her arms, but I had her as well. We flipped positions and I had her once again in a headlock.

{Edward, where are you?} Alice thought she was close. The vision had been flashing to her, the one from the beginning of the semester, me covered in blood.

My momentary lapse in concentration to focus on Alice’s thought allowed Victoria to slam me to the ground. I hoped that if this was my end, Alice and Calrisle would get to Bella. They could save her. I dodged her hand coming down again and again hard onto the ground.

{You were supposed to love me unconditionally, you have to love me. I love you, so much it hurts sometimes. It hurts more that you abandoned me. Out of all the men I have changed, you are the only one I have loved.} She was hysterical. “Edward!” She cried as I once again got her into another headlock. Then I heard Bella’s unmistakable scream of pain, slicing through the dry desert air.

Victoria was out of my grasp again, heading back toward Bella.

“She’s lost a lot of blood, she’ll be alright but she needs to get to a hospital. “ {Good lord, this poor girl. Every day I question your existence, even now I am unsure of it, but please if you are there God, help her.}

{Hold your breath, Alice, everything is going to be fine. She’ll be okay.} Alice thought, locating the blanket from the supplies bag Carlisle and her had brought with them, Carlisle was already dressing her wounds on autopilot.

She was half in and half out, but she was weakly mumbling something over and over. “Ewa-, E-, wa-” It was my name, she was calling for me, the pain in my chest for her was so great I nearly stumbled as I shot across the desert behind Victoria.

“He’s coming, he’s coming, just hold on Bella.”

Bella POV:

The sound of scraping, metal against metal made my ears ring. I wanted to cover them with my hands, but as I tried to get my arms to move, they wouldn’t. “Bella? Bella? Focus on me, on my voice.” Alice. Her sweet voice reminded me of a butterfly, fluttering and light. “Just rest now, we’ve got you.”

My eyes had trouble focusing on her, but her glowing face had a ring of soft luminescent light around it against the orange sky, it must have been sunset. She was so beautiful, perfect even when I couldn’t make out her delicate features. I felt a cold hand caress my cheek.

“Have her drink this.” Carlisle was calm but urgent.

“Try to drink this,” Alice instructed and lifted my head over so slightly. She dripped warm sweet liquid onto my tongue. It took every bit of energy I had left to swallow, but I did my best.

The scraping returned to my ears. It was painful. I slowly turned my head toward the sound. It was Edward on the ground, Victoria was on top of him, clawing at his face, pulling hard she was going to kill him. He was going to die all because of me.

“Edward!” My body seemed to react automatically, somehow finding the strength to extend my arm in his direction, but soon the sharp white-hot pain returned to where she had bit me on my wrist, and warmth saturated my hand. There was a split second, where they all stopped and stared me down, even Carlisle’s yellow eyes looked at me as though I was an animal to be hunted. Then scraping returned to my ears, and then a great cry, I was not sure from who.

Suddenly Edward was at my side. “Bella.” He said it like a prayer. I lifted my hand to his face, but only realized it was covered in my blood once it had transferred to his cheek. “Bella, I’m sorry.” I felt his cold skin lean into my touch. “Alice!” His face returned to me, he was sadder than I had ever seen him like nothing would ever be good again. “I love you.” Then I was in his arms, I didn’t feel the pain anymore, just the cold. The cold became comforting, and constant, along with the wind in my ears, which slowly faded out into silence.

*********************************************************************************

That beeping, I couldn’t tell what it was, but it was annoying and it kept waking me up. Even though it felt like I had been sleeping for days, the only thing I wanted to do was fall back asleep. Opening my eyes seemed to take all of my strength, the fluorescent light burned my retinas. But slowly I was able to open them. It was a hospital room. Then it all hit me, I remembered what Victoria had done, I remembered the pain of my leg shattering and the feeling of blood being drained from my body, I remembered the look that Edward had on his face when he saw what she had done to me. For some reason, my blood smeared on his face was the most heartbreaking of all. I looked around the room.

Charlie and my mom sat on opposite ends of the couch, both were asleep in uncomfortable-looking positions. I felt my own stiffness, it was nowhere near as painful as it should have been, I suspected the IV stuck into my vein was delivering a heavy dose of narcotics. I could feel the panic rise in me, but my body remained relaxed. “Dad,” I said with a gravelly voice, my throat was sore and dry. “Dad!”

He startled awake. “Bella!” He was surprised but immediately came to the side of the hospital bed. “How are you feeling sweetheart?” He put a gentle hand on my shoulder.
“Okay. I mean, kind of confused.” It was difficult to stay focused.

“Yeah, they gave you the good stuff. Takes all that pain away. You’ve been in and out”

I looked up at him, his eyes were bloodshot, and his dark circles underneath seemed more pronounced. I could only imagine how much he had been worrying. “I’m sorry Dad.”
“You are seriously not apologizing right now.” He smiled.

“Just, I’m sorry I worried you. It was stupid, I should have just stayed with Mom.” I felt the tears begin to stream down my face. Though I wasn’t sure that would have deterred Victoria, maybe Mom and Phil could have been collateral in Victoria’s plan if I hadn’t left.

“Oh Bells, it's in the job description of being a parent to worry. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He gave me an awkward hug, trying to be mindful of all of the tubes and lines I was attached to. “Should we wake your mom?”

“Probably.” I was still angry at her, but a near-death experience puts things in perspective. With her, sometimes picking your battles was the only way to get through it.

He went over and gently patted her shoulder. “Renee!”

She shot up and looked around for just a moment. “Oh, Isabella, you’re awake.” She came over to me and clunkily wrapped her arms around me. It aggravated some of my bruises, making me wince, but I didn’t mind. I was happy to be with my Mom and Dad. “I’m so sorry baby.” She let go and grabbed a hold of a few of my fingers. “I was just running my mouth, I never meant to make you so upset. I just- I’m sorry.”

“It's okay Mom. I’m okay now, it's just water under the bridge.”

She nodded and turned away to wipe her tears. “Charlie, go get a nurse.” He shot out the door.

“Baby, do you remember anything?” She whispered.

I did, but I couldn’t tell her or Charlie without exposing Edward and his whole family. I shook my head. “No, not really. Just like images, the desert and stars, that’s kind of it. How did I even get here?” I hadn’t remembered actually how I had gotten there, or the cover story Edward, Carlisle, and Alice had fabricated, but I was sure that whatever they had come up with was convincing. Edward. The panic rose again in my chest, I needed to see him. Had they killed Victoria?

“They don’t know what happened to you. Someone found you unconscious at the mouth of Red Rock trail and brought you to the hospital. We were hoping you could tell us what happened.”
“I don’t know. I don’t remember anything.” I remembered too much, the torture that Victoria put me through, the moments where I thought I was taking my last breaths. I felt different like there was this fear in me that would never leave. For some reason the sounds of my bones shattering and the metal scraping, and Edward’s crying were still echoing in my ears.

“It’s okay baby, just rest now.” She patted my hair.

The nurses started to flow into the room, and Charlie and Mom took a seat back on the couch. They started asking me a million questions and poking with needles and asking if things hurt. I just wanted to get it over with, I wanted to see Edward. I knew he was blaming himself for it all. I knew that he would take responsibility for actions that weren’t his own. I just wanted him to hold me, I always felt safe in his arms. I didn’t know if Victoria was still out there and if she was plotting to take me again. Edward would do everything to make sure it didn’t happen, but his physical presence would reassure me, and hopefully it would make me stop shaking.

“When can I have visitors?” I asked one of the nurses.

“Not until Dr. Ellis clears you.” She said with a smile.

“How long will that be?” I demanded. I needed to see Edward.

“It could be a few days, you need to have another transfusion.”

“Dad, where's my phone?” I asked, over the wall of nurses surrounding me.

“I don’t know honey. It’s not with the clothes you were in when you got here.”

Victoria must have still had it. “Can you call Edward? I need to talk to him.” I said, already feeling breathless from the commotion.

“I already called Dr. Cullen he knows, I’m sure Edward’s expecting a call.”

The nurses soon filed back out of the room and Charlie handed me his phone.

“Hi,” I said first.

“How are you feeling?” He asked in a concerned voice.

“Okay. You need to come, I need you here.” I would normally be embarrassed at my parents being in the same room while I was having such an intimate conversation, but I didn’t care anymore.
“I’m sorry Bella.” His voice was strained. “I-I-I’m so sorry darling.”

“It’s not your fault,” I whispered. “Please just come, I need to see you. Maybe we can convince them to let you in.”

“If I hadn’t involved myself in your life this never would have happened to you.” He said shakily.

“No, no, you can’t think like that.” My heart sank. I wanted to tell him that it didn’t matter, that this was all Victoria’s fault, that it was pointless to make himself suffer, but my parents were there. So I held my tongue. I took a breath. “Where are you?”

“I’m camped outside of the hospital, making sure she can’t get in. She escaped Bella, we couldn’t kill her.”

Panic rose in me again. She could get to me again, she was out there still, probably more vengeful and angry than ever. “I’m scared Edward,” I said quietly, doing my best to keep myself from having a full-blown panic attack. But the tears erupted quickly.

“Ssshhh, ssshhh. I’ll be there as soon as they let visitors in.”

“How long will that be?” I blubbered through the tears, my mother was already embracing me. Charlie was pacing, at the foot of my bed visibly distressed.

“I don’t know. But soon. I’ll see what Carlisle can do.”

“Okay.” The guilt I felt was overshadowed by the pure panic I felt, the feeling deep in my stomach that I wasn’t safe.

“I don’t want you to worry. All of us are on high alert, Jas and Alice are tracking her, they have a lead. Emmet, Rose, and Esme are on a flight, they should be touching down any minute. Victoria has no chance of getting to you again. I want you to focus on getting better okay?”

I nodded, with tears still streaming. “I love you.”

“I love you too. I’ll see you as soon as I can.”

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

I expected my anxieties to fade, especially with the drugs they were continually pumping into me. However, I still couldn’t shake the feeling that Victoria was just around the corner ready to murder me and my family. The first night after I had woken up was horrible. Every time I closed my eyes I could only envision the sights of Victoria's red eyes, the wounds that were now concealed by casts and bandages, and Victoria’s hands around Edward’s neck. When I did manage to fall asleep I would awake a minute later in a cold sweat, feeling the blood pulsing through my body, from the nightmares.

The morning brought no solace. I was just as terrified and in pain, I was probably the most annoying patient for the nurses and doctors that had to deal with. I begged them to let me have visitors, but none of them gave in. They must have dosed me with a sleeping pill because I woke up without realizing I had closed my eyes to the last dregs of light from the sun illuminating the darkening sky. I looked around to an empty room and I began to panic. I shakily found the nurse call button on the side of my bed and jammed my pointer finger down on it over and over. There was one thing worse than being without Edward, and that was being completely alone.

“What’s up, honey? Everything okay?” The nurse said after closing the door behind her. She was completely calm, this was mundane, and nothing was out of the ordinary for her, even with my visible distress. I was paranoid.

“I-I’m sorry. I was just- um where are my parents?” I asked between heaving breaths.

“They said they were just gonna grab some dinner. They said they’ll be back soon.” She checked the numerous machines that were still connected to me. “You feeling okay?”

I nodded.

“I can tell you put on a brave face.” She patted my shoulder. “It must be confusing.”

I was powerless to stop the tears from falling from my eyes. She was right, I didn’t want to make my parents worried, so I concealed how I was truly feeling. It was exhausting, especially in the state I was in. “I’m sorry.” I blubbered doing my best to wipe the tears from my face. I was crying because I was sick of crying. I was crying because I wanted everything to be normal again, if I hadn’t gotten so mad, none of this would have happened. I was crying because I wanted my parents and Edward to be with me.

“Don’t apologize.” She slipped her hand into mine. “Everything is gonna be okay, you just gotta give it some time. You want to know something?”

“What?” I sniffed.

“That boy of yours, the pretty one. He is out in that waiting room nearly every hour you've been in here. He seems awful worried about you. When your Mom or Dad comes out he asks about you. He’s a real keeper that one.”

“Yeah, he is.” I said trying not to think too hard about him.

“Let me see what I can do.” She said before quickly leaving the room with a spring in her step.

When the door reopened, there he was, as beautiful as ever, suddenly I was conscious of how ratty my hair was, I hadn’t looked in the mirror in what felt like months, my visible skin was covered in bruises, and the narcotics probably weren't doing anything to help me. I didn’t care there though. As soon as he was at my bedside I was wrapping my arms around him, crying and gasping for air, but ironically it felt like for the first time since I had been at the hospital I didn’t have to remind myself to breathe. I didn’t care that it was aggravating my injuries and bruises and pulling on the line inserted into my wrist, I squeezed as tightly as possible, but somehow it didn’t feel close enough. Then it all came crashing down again, the fear and the pain that I had felt the last few days, I had simply let those feelings happen to me because it didn’t seem like there was any other option. I had gotten used to those feelings, but as they melted away with his presence, I realized how horrible it was to exist like that.

“Bella, ssshhhh.” He whispered.

“I love you.” I choked out, though I was in no state to be talking.

“I love you so much.”

It took a few minutes to calm down and willingly relinquish my grasp. I felt as though I could never get close enough to him. But, reluctantly I let my fingers travel down his arm to his fingers, so that was the only place that we touched. There had been so many times that I had fantasized about our reunion that it was difficult to think it was real. He was there, holding my hand steady from shaking, looking at me with fervent golden eyes. He did really look like some figment of my imagination. The nurse must have vacated at some point because we were alone so I was able to ask him about the events which had grown fuzzy in my mind. He talked about it with difficulty, through gritted teeth and tension in his shoulders.

Victoria had done this to me because she believed that she was Edward’s true mate, that because she had made him into a vampire their love was stronger than anything he could have with anyone else let alone a human. She believed that by luring him to her with me she could convince him to abandon me and his strange diet and come back to her. He continued to apologize profusely, but I knew it wasn’t his fault, I worried the guilt was eating him up.

“Where do you think she is?” I asked quietly, not wanting to think about her and her whereabouts too much.

“I don’t know. Alice hasn’t seen anything, but she and Jas are tracking her. Victoria must be somewhere in Central America, but until we rip her limb from limb we can’t be certain. And we will.”
I felt a sudden pang of guilt, Jas and Alice were risking their lives for me to have peace of mind. Victoria had already proved that she was dangerous, who knows what she would do with two vampires tracking her every move. “What if she attacks them?”

“There’s two of them and Jas is more than well versed in combat. It would be reckless for her to try anything.”

“And you.” The memories came flooding back to me. I remembered how close she had been to killing him, how tight the grip was around his neck. “She could have killed you.” I felt the tears return to my eyes.

“She wouldn’t. I read her mind and she had no intention of killing me. But don’t worry about me or anyone else, I want you to focus on healing.”

I rubbed my eyes. “Yeah, it's just hard. I don’t like the way these drugs make me feel.” I had gotten used to the fog and had gotten good at stringing together sentences and thoughts, but the haziness never left, as long as I was attached a line. “And I can’t sleep unless they give me more meds. And I’ve missed you more than you can imagine.”

He gave a slightly pained smile. “Oh, I think I have an idea.” He rubbed the back of my hand with his thumb.

“I really just want to go home.”

“You will be soon, and we can do all of your favorite things. Read that battered copy of Pride and Prejudice, watch the sunset, and you can teach Alice how to make Christmas cookies.

“She’d love the decorating part,” I interjected.

“She would.”

Edward POV:

I had hoped that she was angry at me, that she had told me to get out of her life and never return, I hoped that she screamed and yelled and threw things at me, though I knew she would never do that. I hoped she told me that she would never forgive me. That would make it easier because then I wouldn’t crumble, and melt, and yield to her every whim. I was powerless to go against her wishes, if she wanted me to be with her, I was there with her. Maybe, in the future, I would find the strength to remove myself from her life, no matter how much she protested, no matter how miserable she said she would be. The only way to truly protect her was to be as far away from her as I could be. But I was weak and there she was curled against me as I perched at the edge of the hospital bed.

This was how we spent nearly every night since they began letting visitors in, though technically only family was allowed in during the night time, I may have abused my vampire abilities for the express purpose of spending as much time as I could with her. Carlisle disapproved of course, but there wasn’t really anything he could do about it. To add insult to injury she insisted that her head was free of nightmares only when I was there, the entire US military couldn’t stop me from being with her every night, though all I had to deal with were a few protective nurses.

After they stopped infusing the hardcore narcotics into her system she was much more anxious. I had dared to leave during the night on a few occasions, mainly to hunt, but also to discuss strategy with everyone, Jas and Alice remotely, of course. Only to have Bella calling me on the phone (the one she had insisted was too extravagant or a gift) clearly hyperventilating from a panic attack brought on by a nightmare and I would go back to her as fast as my legs could carry me. I would slip into her room without anyone noticing and hold her until she fell back asleep.

Whenever I talked about leaving, even for a few hours at most I could hear her heart rate skyrocket.

It felt like I only had a few hours to worry about the challenges she would face going home concerning her anxiety before she called me and nervously telling me she would be discharged the next day. She had been healing remarkably quickly, the bruises that covered a good portion of her skin were yellowing. Her leg was of course still broken, but it was now in a cast and she had practiced getting around on a pair of crutches. The blood she had received from the various transfusions was out of her system, she smelled like herself again. Every so often she would move too quickly or twist in the wrong direction and she would wince from the pain, but those moments came farther and farther apart.

“I think, I’m gonna stay in Phoenix at my Mom’s for a few days, maybe a week? Charlie is going to fly back for work. I should be okay when school starts, I mean I’ll still be in a cast but at least I won’t have to use these crutches.” I could hear her foot tapping through the phone, she was spiraling. “Are you gonna go back to Forks.”

“I want to stay here with you if you’ll have me. But I can make myself scarce if you want to spend time with your Mom.” I said, already getting into the car to drive to the hospital.

“No, please, I don’t know how much more I can take of her. I’d love you to stay here. With me, that is. I just don’t want you to feel like you have to. I’m kind of a needy mess right now, I thought you might want a break.”

“Bella,” I whispered. “There is nothing you could do or want or need that would change the way I feel about you. If me being here is what you need, then I will be here. If what you need is for me to sneak you out of your mother’s house to go get ice cream, then I will do that.”

“Okay.”

*********************************************************************************

I knocked on the door.

{That must be him! I’ll finally get to put a personality to that pretty face.}

Bella’s mother, it was hard not to harbor any hard feelings towards her, even though I had only met her in passing in the waiting room without any formal introduction and never said anything more than “Hello” and “How is she?” From what Bella had told me she was seldom the mother that Bella deserved, still, it was apparent that Bella loved her and she loved Bella, so I would hold my tongue as best as I could.

“Edward!” She said through a smile as wide as her face.

“Hello, Renee,” I said cordially.

“Good to see you.” She said, pulling me into a hug. “You are welcome to stay any time.” {Every time I see him he gets more handsome. He could have anyone that he wanted, and he chose Bella despite…well…she is of course beautiful in her own way and I’m sure he sees that. Oh god, she was so beautiful when she lost weight. I just would never have put them together, not in a million years.}

I set my jaw, trying not to think much of her internal monologue, which never seemed to cease. But, I was assured by Bella she was doing her best.

“Thank you. Where’s Bella?”

{He’s very forward, isn’t he? Though I suppose he did travel all the way from that hellhole Forks to see her. He’s very enamored with her. I wonder if he has a glaring red flag that Bella is overlooking because he’s…him isn’t he? She can be a little oblivious at times.} “She’s on the couch.”

I ignored Renee, pushing her stream of consciousness to the back of my head, and nearly ran over to the brown velvet couch where she was laying, reading a copy of the latest issue of Sports Illustrated.

“Hi,” she said, quickly, closing the magazine immediately.

“Hi.” I knelt beside her. Renee was trying to make herself scarce but was endlessly curious about what her daughter was doing with her strange-looking, inexplicably beautiful boyfriend. The boy part of that was loose, I believe you had to be human in order to be a boy. “How are you doing?

“Okay.” She said through a weak smile, she was a horrible liar.

“If you’re reading Sports Illustrated I think that’s a bad sign.” I looked over, the cover had a picture of two men, one with a black eye, the other with a bloody nose looking as though they were about to fight to the death in a red boxing ring.

She took a deep sigh. “They don’t have any books, other than calorie deficit, low carb, keto cookbooks. I think we need to make a stop at the library.”

“We can go right now.” I quipped.

“Really?” It was less of a question and more a cry of excitement. My heart ached a little, it reminded me how long it had been since the last time I saw her happy.

“Of course, anything you want.”

“I love you,” She said before pressing her lips to mine passionately, but quickly. “Mom. Edward and I are going to the library.” She half yelled toward the direction of the kitchen.
Renee darted out and over to us, semi-blocking our way. “You sure, don’t you want to rest honey? It’s been a big day.” {What if she hurts herself, or walks too much on her leg, plus she’s always running into things and tripping and she can never hold onto anything, especially sharp pointy things. Oh god, that time when she was 12 and sliced her leg open when she was playing soccer and somehow landed on a piece of rusty metal, a tetanus shot, and 11 stitches.}

“Yeah, I’ll be okay. Edward will be with me. I won’t do too much, I promise.” She was eager to leave.

“I’ll make sure we’re not out for too long. I won’t let her lift a finger.” I assured.

“Okay, but be careful, she’s accident-prone,” Renee said to me.

“I’m well aware.”

“And take the car, there’s no need to spend a fortune on Uber or whatever you use these days.”

Bella beamed, it was so good to see her smile.

*********************************************************************************

I resisted the urge to pick her up and carry her anywhere she wanted to go, but I knew she would protest, so I just watched her out of the corner of my eye as she struggled to maneuver herself around the stacks. At times her crtuches seemed like more of a hazard than a tool, and I had to catch her from hitting the ground several times. I tried not to make her feel embarrassed, so I tried to avert my eyes and not fuss too much.

“I’m kind of failing at these.” She admitted, red-faced and thoroughly frustrated. “I think you have to be more coordinated than I am to use them.” She continued as she balanced herself precariously upright to reach for a book on the shelf.

I spotted a few plush-looking chairs in a circle in the center of the stacks. “Why don’t you sit down and tell me what book you want.” I motioned towards the chairs.

She opened her mouth to protest but thought better of it and made her way over to plop herself down. I followed behind ready to catch her if she needed it.

I piled my hands with a stack of 5 or 6 books of her request. “Are you going to finish all these before our flight?” I asked as we walked to the check-out counter.

“No, but I’ll read enough of each to see if I really like it, then I can check it out from the library at school when we get home.” She balanced herself again to one side so that she could peer into her tote bag which was hanging around my elbow to pull out her library card. Then all of a sudden it seemed as though a light went out in her eyes and she seemed to sink in on herself.

“What’s wrong,” I asked, again, trying not to make a big deal out of it.

“Nothing.” She murmured. We continued in line in silence and I waited until we were in the car to press her further.

“Bella, are you okay?” I asked, taking her hand in mine.

She nodded but kept her eyes averted to her lap. It wasn’t very convincing.

I was panicking slightly. “Bella please tell me.”

“I don’t know, when I was first in the hospital I kept telling myself that once I could see you then I would feel like myself again, and that turned into getting discharged then I would feel like myself, and even this morning I kept telling myself that once I was back in Washington I would feel like myself, but it just hit me that I don’t think I’ll ever go back to how it was before. I feel changed, like this anxiety won’t ever go away and I’ll always be looking around the corner. I don’t know, I guess I don’t want things to change, I liked how it was before.”

“It won’t be like how it was before, but if you've taught me anything it's that humans adapt and grow and change. But through all of that, we have each other, you have your mom and dad, and your friends. We are all here to protect you and make you safe and happy no matter what.”

She nodded. “Thank you.”

Chapter Text

Bella POV:

For some reason, I felt like time was slipping through my grasp as I prepared my bag for the first day of the spring semester. After this, it would be the last time I would have to do this whole school thing, that was until I inevitably had a quarter-life crisis and spontaneously applied for grad schools, maybe even one in England, it wouldn’t have to be Oxford or anything. I always wanted to live there.

I frantically rushed around my room, finding things I thought I would need, throwing them into my bag, hand sanitizer, roll-on perfume, an ancient tube of chapstick. I should have been more careful with my casted leg, but I would be late. I heard a knock at the door, only Edward knocked like that, so gently. As soon as I answered he pulled me in for a kiss.

“Happy first day.” He said producing a pinkish-looking smoothie which I instantly recognized as the Guava Goddess from my favorite coffee shop.

“You are a god-sent Edward,” I said, pressing my lips to his one last time before taking a sip from the straw. “How did you know I would be late?”

“Boyfriend’s intuition?” He paused. “And also no sleep usually means you have difficulty getting up.” He said chidingly.

“I’m trying to wean myself off having you when I sleep,” I remembered the dozens of times I had woken up from the nightmares, all variations of Victoria torturing me or Edward. I hadn’t gotten more than an hour of sleep that night.

“I don’t mind, you know.”

“I know. I just feel like it would be good for me not to rely on you so much more now.”

He pulled me in again to press a kiss to the crown of my head. “Let’s get going, or we’ll be late.”

******************************************************************************

Edward and I had none of our classes together, which was alright, there is not much overlap between Music Performance and English, but we made a pact to sit and have lunch together, well he would sit and I would sit and eat lunch every day. We sat at Gino’s, the only decent cafe on campus, and talked away until suddenly, Edward hunched over like he was hiding from someone.

“What are you doing?” I asked as he peered over his shoulder.

“Hiding.”

“Why?” I asked.

“This manchild in my History of Contemporary Jazz class is intent on speaking to me every time he sees me.”

I started to laugh.

“Sssh, he’ll hear you.” He hissed.

“Are you telling me you made a friend?” I asked, realizing how ridiculous this scene was. He was now in a full-on crouch, covering as much of himself as possible with his rain jacket.

“Whatever it is, I was not active in any part of it. I benefit from the fact that most people are too intimidated to speak to me. He seems to be some sort of anomaly.”

“Well, and me,” I said.

He rolled his eyes nearly imperceptibly.

“Well, what’s his name?”

“Seth, why?”

“Hey, Seth!” I yelled from across the room before Edward could stop me. I was excited that even against his will, Edward had made a friend. Except for me, he seemed to always keep everyone at an arm's distance, I wanted him to have others to confide in.

“What are you doing?” He choked.

“Making you a friend.” I searched the line of people at the register until my eyes landed on a young-looking man with long black hair and kind eyes, he looked like the literal embodiment of a golden retriever which was complimentary to Edward’s black cat demeanor. He looked confused until I waved him over and his eyes landed on Edward who looked painfully shy. “Hi Seth, I’m Bella, Edward was just telling me how interesting the class you have together is. Right, Edward.”

“Yeah.” He croaked.

“Oh yeah totally. Edward had one of the best takes in our discussion, he tried to slip his way out before I could talk to him, but I stopped him in time.” Seth said cheerily. “I kinda want to get in line before they run out of the chocolate croissants, but I’d love to talk to you more about it.”

“Edward will go and wait in line with you, he was going to get a coffee anyways.” I said, giving Edward a look of insistence.

“Oh, okay,” Seth said.

Edward trudged over as Seth talked away and I looked on, trying to contain my excitement as Edward reluctantly began to smile and even laugh and have a real conversation, a real connection that wasn’t clouded by his self-loathing tendencies, or at least he was resisting them. He deserved to make connections with people.

Suddenly a vibration alerted me to the table where his phone lay. As I looked at the caller my heart dropped. It read ‘My Bella.” I had the feeling it was Victoria.