Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Memory was clever in a cruel way. Sometimes Nya practically forgot what she and Jay had endured, had survived. Other times, though it had been years since, Nadakhan’s grip was still around her wrist. Memory was kind when it ebbed, cruel when it flowed. And the Master of Water, unfortunately, was far too familiar with ebbs and flows.

It started when she and Jay were on a date downtown, a rare luxury given their line of work. They’d compulsively started window shopping, ducking into quirky stores, stealing kisses in the alleyways between. Ninjago City hadn’t been quiet in so long.

“Has this shop always been here?” Jay asked, pointing at the large antiques sign hanging from the side of the building. “I feel like we’re always around here. Why haven’t I seen it?”

Nya smirked and nodded towards the restaurant next door. “Maybe because you’ve been too focused on downing Chen’s hand-pulled noodles to pay attention to anything else around here.”

“Hey!” Jay reached for her in fun, and Nya twisted away, bolting to the antiques store. Her laughter echoed down the street, and Jay’s breath caught in his throat. No one laughed as brightly, as freely as her. His soft smile grew. No one made her laugh as brightly, as freely as him.

He was grinning wildly when he walked into the shop, Nya waiting for him inside. “What?”

Jay enveloped her into a hug, his arms snug around her. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Jay. Now look around with me! I wanna see if there’s anything interesting.” Jay caught a quick kiss before pulling away, and Nya’s cheeks were warm as they wandered through the store, hand in hand.

—

She saw the lamp first — not the same one, but far too close for comfort. It was rusted and dented like it had been thrown around in the wash, but the lamp’s handle curved at the bottom, whereas Nadakhan’s stayed flush to the rest of the body. Still, Nya froze.

“Nya? Did you find anything?”

Jay’s voice felt so distant and hazy, as if she was hearing him underwater. “Honey?”

She felt his hands on either side of her face, and Nya realized he was standing right in front of her. “You’re crying, Nya.” He leaned in closer to look at her more directly as he wiped the tears from her cheeks. “What’s wrong?”

He followed her gaze to the shelf behind him, to the lamp sitting all on its lonesome. Jay sighed then turned back to Nya, resting his forehead against hers.

“Look at me, Nya.”

She felt like she was ripping her vigilance away as she did.

“That’s not his, I promise. And neither of us are going to touch it. We’re safe, okay? He’s gone.” 

Nya didn’t remember leaving the antiques shop, or going home, or anything else that happened between seeing the lamp and ending up in Jay’s bed. She was spooned against him, so Jay couldn’t see she was keeping her eyes open for as long as she could — every time she blinked, she saw Nadakhan and that lamp. She could feel herself dying in Jay’s arms again, on the floor of Nadakhan’s stolen makeshift palace. She could feel her last words trying to snake their way out, but her energy draining before Jay could hear them.

Jay’s arms tightened around her waist, and she jerked away from them, tearing out from his grasp. She turned, and he was staring at her, worry lines stretching across his forehead.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked. Nya was quiet, though she cuddled closer to fit her head under his chin. Jay slowed his breathing, taking deeper breaths in and out — he hoped she’d match him, even if subconsciously.

He was starting to fall asleep when he heard her mumble into his chest. “You couldn’t say his name.”

—

Everyone else knew about Nadakhan from the murals on the wall in the courtyard, but they would never remember him, especially not the way Jay and Nya did. But honestly, that made it somewhat easier for Nya. She could pretend everything was okay with them.

But Jay was there. And it felt so careless and insensitive for him to pretend, too, when he was with her. A small part of her knew it wasn’t fair to be upset at him for that — while she was dying, he watched, and maybe that was worse. But still.

Nya hadn’t spoken to Jay when they were alone in days. She still came to his bed each night, but they would lie in silence, and every evening she would get further and further away from him in sleep. At this point, they were on opposite sides of the bed, and her back was to him. If he just reached out, he could hold her, but he was scared she’d jerk away again if he did, and that would hurt more than anything before. When they woke up each morning, he’d ask her if she wanted to talk about it. She’d stay silent, though sometimes she’d shake her head. Then Jay would say he’d talk about it whenever she was ready. It was their new routine.

She started to have nightmares the day after they’d first seen the lamp. He tried to hold her close, whisper “I love you” to her over and over again as she shook and sobbed, but she’d end up pushing him away as soon as she got up. One night, he tried not touching her at all, and her nightmare subsided easily. So he opted to just lie awake until it went away, waiting for her to still. Then she’d wake up in the morning, and they’d do their routine all over again.

Weeks passed, and Nya had caught a cold. Jay would’ve stayed home with her, but their recent villain needed all hands on deck. Misako and Wu promised to take care of her while Jay was away, though they figured some sort of fight had transpired between the two lovers. 

Usually when they had to split the team, Jay and Nya would kiss each other good luck. But Jay stood in the doorway, quietly watching her sleep. He toyed with the Yin symbol hanging around his neck. His partner, his love, was starting to feel more distant than a stranger, and every day more like a ghost. But he needed her to go to him. He was nervous about touching her and making any nightmares worse, so he opted to leave a note instead.

Nya, my Yang, I’ll be back soon. I love you.

—

Nya could not tell him — she would not tell him. Guilt slashed at her chest every morning she woke up, her throat dry and caked tears streaking from the corners of her eyes. But she had to tell Misako and Wu when she woke them up screaming in the middle of the night, the first time anyone else had heard her nightmares.

“Nya?” Misako rushed in first to see Nya shot up in bed, gasping for air. Misako put the back of her hand on Nya’s forehead. “You’re burning.”

There was a small tub of water and a washcloth on the side table next to her bed, and Misako wet and wrung the towel before leaning Nya back gently and placing the rag on her forehead. Nya’s eyes were still wide open, and she didn’t have to look to ask —

“Where’s Jay?”

Wu walked in, staff in hand. “Jay is with the other ninjas. They needed more help. I thought you knew…” he trailed off, seeing the note next to her. Nya grabbed it, and as she read it, started crying harder.

“I’ve been so horrible to Jay,” she said, stuttering. “And I can’t even tell him what’s wrong.”

Misako held Nya’s hand, squeezing it lightly. “Then maybe it’ll help if you tell us first.”

—

Every time Nya fell asleep, she’d find herself in her almost-wedding to Nadakhan. Then she would get shot, and she’d lie on the floor. When she was first getting these nightmares, she could feel Jay holding her again, just as he did the first time. But that made the dreams a little too real — she needed some sense they were just dreams. She would kick him away, and he’d disappear, and she could breathe again. Eventually, she stopped imagining Jay holding her, and as she lay on the floor, she knew it wasn’t real because it was playing out differently from what was real, and she was able to move on.

But how could she tell Jay, that now, whenever he hugged her, she felt like she was dying?

Chapter Text

The ninjas returned to the temple absolutely beaten. They’d defeated the latest Ninjago City menace, but it took more effort than usual. Their entire way home, Jay was tapping his foot incessantly.

“Can you stop that?” Cole said, irritated. “You sound like a walking time bomb.”

Jay started to apologize. “I’m sorry! I can’t help it. I’m…”

“Nervous? Anxious? Stressed?” The suggestions came in a popcorn chorus from Zane, Pixal, and Kai.

Jay put his head in his hands. “Yes,” he sighed, defeated.

Cole put his hand on his best friend’s shoulder. “What happened…?” To you and Nya?

“I have no idea.”

Everyone was quiet until they got to the temple. They knew Jay was doing his best, and they knew how stubborn and guarded Nya could be, too — much like her brother. When they landed, Jay filed out last, worry troubling his stomach.

“You got it, Jay,” Lloyd said, clapping Jay on the shoulder. “It’ll be okay.” He turned from Jay to look at Cole, also unsure. They’d known Nya had been different recently, as much as she tried to hide it. But they didn’t know what they could do, especially if Jay wasn’t able to fix it.

With heavy heart and steps, Jay made his way to Nya’s room in the early morning hours. Misako and Wu were standing just outside her door, making Jay even more nervous. He rushed over.

“What happened? Is she okay? Where is she?” He couldn’t keep his voice down, his lightning energy rushing into his veins again.

“She’s fine,” Misako said, placing her hands on his shoulders. “She’s okay. But…” She trailed off, as Nya’s door started to open.

It was the first time she’d really looked at him in weeks, and Jay’s heart dropped as he saw her bloodshot eyes and dark circles. As much as he was exhausted from their fight in the city, she had been draining for far longer.

“Hi, Jay.”

—

He followed her into her room, gently closing the door behind them. When she sat on the edge of her bed, he sat a foot away, careful to keep some distance. He didn’t want to make things worse.

“I missed you,” he said, unable to keep it in. “I miss you. I love you. I…” Jay suddenly felt too loud, too brash, and worried he’d scare her away again.

“I love you too,” Nya replied, tears brimming again. “And I think I’m ready to tell you what happened — or, what’s been happening, and I’ve been so worried to tell you before because I’m scared you’ll hate me and want to leave me but I love you and if that’s how I make you feel then I just want you to be happy and safe and secure and I’m scared when I tell you this you’ll —“ Nya cut herself off, too scared to speak into reality one of her biggest fears. “You make me feel more special and confident and myself than anyone i’ve ever known,” she whispered. “And I’m scared you’ll throw me away when I tell you.”

Sometimes, even when Jay wasn’t talking, Nya could still hear the lightning coursing through him. This time, she couldn’t. She was scared to break the silence. She needed to know if he even wanted to hear what she had to say.

And she might’ve missed it, if she weren’t so keyed up already. The quietest he’s ever been, the most hesitant yet gentle and kind.

“You’re my Yang, Nya. Nothing you could say could ever change that.”

Jay knew Nya well enough to know she was struggling with not feeling like she was doing their relationship “right”. A perfectionist through and through, as soon as things started to dissolve, so did she. But Jay needed her the way the moon needs the tides, the skies reaching for the waters beneath. She knew ebbs and flows, but so did he, because he yearned for her throughout.

Nya told him of her nightmares, and how she thought she was dying that day. She drew in a deep breath, before she told him that his hold felt the same way. She thought she was angry he wasn’t upset like she was. She wasn’t angry anymore.

He was quiet, processing, until he asked, “Do you really think i’m not upset like you?” Nya stilled.

“All our friends died. I had just seen you in a wedding dress, and you were about to marry someone else, even if not by choice. And then you started to die in my arms, by a tactical choice I made. It would’ve been all my fault, if you…” He paused. “You’re the love of my life, Nya. And I held you as I cried because I don’t know what life there is without you.

“I made my last wish holding you. And everything was good again when we went back and you took my hand. I know that right now my touch feels like… death, but I need you to know that to me, touching you gave us a new chance at life.”

Nya was stunned; all she could do was sit there, his words ringing over and over again in her head.

“I love you, Nya. I just… need some time to think about it, too. Okay?” Jay said, standing up. He smiled, but it was small and somber. Nya couldn’t help feeling like she’d hurt him, that she’d thought so little of his actions. She nodded, and it wasn’t until her door closed again that she was able to mumble, “I love you.”

—

Nya didn’t leave her room all day. she was feeling better, but she didn’t want to step out. Kai brought her dinner and they sat side by side as she ate.

“How’s Jay?” she asked, and Kai shrugged. “He’s been in his room ever since we got back. So i don’t know. But it was a pretty bad fight, so maybe he’s just resting. Though normally he’d rest by playing some video games,” Kai joked, nudging Nya lightly with his shoulder. She quieted again, looking down at her food.

“I think I messed up,” Nya said, swirling her spoon in her congee.

“I don’t think you could with Jay, sis. He loves you.”

“I know. but that doesn’t mean… That doesn’t mean things will always be okay.”

“Sure. But it also doesn’t mean you two can’t be okay, either.” Kai paused. “Uh, let me say that again. You guys will get through it. That’s what love is. Love is about getting through things together, not keeping things perfect all the time.”

Nya smiled, genuinely, for the first time in awhile. “When did you get to be Wu Number Two?”

Kai laughed. “Probably when I realized how much you and Jay love each other.”

Nya understood it was time to stop fighting the flow. It took the Master of Water long enough.

—

It was just after 10, and Nya needed to see Jay. But as soon as she opened her door, there he was, hand poised to knock. He jumped back. “Gosh, Nya! You’re quiet.”

They stood in her doorway, just looking at each other, not quite sure what to do next. They started speaking over each other in a flurry.

“Nya—“

“Jay, i—“

Nya laughed, and Jay could feel everything start to lighten. “Come in.”

They lay down on Nya’s bed next to each other, closer than they’d been in weeks past.

“I’m sorry, Jay,” Nya mumbled, drawing circles with her finger into her pillowcase.

“No, I’m sorry, Nya. I shouldn’t have left the way I did earlier.”

“It’s okay.” Jay raised an eyebrow and Nya nodded. “I promise. I’ve… been thinking about it longer than you have. It’s only fair.”

He smiled, and Nya kept looking between the freckles across his face and his brilliant blue eyes. How could she have ever been so afraid of what he would say?

“So…” she started. “What now?”

“I don’t want to rush you into anything,” Jay said. “I love holding you, and you know how much that means to me, but we don’t have to touch or anything until you’re ready. But I do think it could help,” he offered.

Nya shook her head as he talked. “You could never rush me. And I want to fix things. So maybe… we start here?”

She gently grabbed his hand, and placed it on the side of her face, holding him there. Nya nudged closer to Jay until they were a breath apart. She tilted her head up and gazed at him, waiting.

“I missed you,” Nya said, and Jay met her halfway, their lips melding into each other where they belonged. Softly, first, then as Nya grew more incessant, Jay matched her, and it was like breathing and drowning in confessions of love all at once.

Jay was careful not to move his hand from her cheek, but as they kissed, she moved his hand down to her back, and he pulled her ever closer. Nya broke their kiss first to breathe.

“I missed you too,” Jay said, one arm behind her back, the other under her neck, cradling the back of her head. They laid there for hours, and just as Nya was starting to doze off, Jay asked, “Nya… What do want me to do if you have another nightmare again?”

She thought about it before, but wasn’t sure what would work until they tried. “Just don’t let go,” she mumbled into his chest, and he held her tighter.