Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Love was banned on The Skullship.

That was an overstatement actually, it wasn't that love as a whole was banned seeing as they literally had smoochin' rooms and whatnot. It was just a certain holiday that we all know as the holiday that makes single people want to tear their eyes out and hate every couple on earth.
So yeah: Valentines Day.

That was a banned holiday as a whole, and while christmas wasn't often celebrated on the Skullship until...The Giftening incident...They did allow it to an extent afterwards. However again, there was a banned tradition.
Mistletoe. Unless if it was a legitimate mistle, you can KISS that stupid plant goodbye.

Finally, skipping over to the last bit of rules, as a watchdog, showing any affection to anyone WASNT banned.
Though it would get you blasted in the face from the pure spite of your commander.

Lust could be an excusable action. A genuine crush is slipping into dangerous territory, but as long as it's controlled he could look the other way. Being in love? Let alone an actual relationship? He didn't even know what to say to that at this point.

It's not like he's NEVER been in a relationship, he expirimented with some martian nerd back in college, pre-Hater era. For some reason he was always trynna blow up the planet called earth, and for some reason he found that hot. Sue him. He's gotta appreciate a man who's out for blood.
Inevitabley, they mutually split when Peepers dropped out of college to follow Hater.

Then after realizing that not everyone drops everything they've been working towards immediately for a jockey type stranger they just met, he figured out he probably had "feelings" for his boss. Thankfully for him, he's the densest guy in the galaxy. Unthankfully for him, he's the densest guy in the galaxy.

Over the years, Peepers just gave up on love as a whole. He was constantly busy 24/7, there was always some new disaster to prepare for, there was always some new hole in his plans that meant he couldn't sleep for hours until he fixed it for the next invasion, and there was always some new problem on the ship he had to solve. Dating anybody was a joke to him at this point. It would've been nice to have some closure though.

It also would've been nice to not sleep in an empty bed every night, just to have the notion of being slightly less alone in the vast void of space. Sadly not everyone gets what they want in the world, he's learned to deal with it.

"GET BACK HERE!"

He has not learned to deal with the constant stowaway on his ship.

"Hey Dale! Hi, Percy! How's the wife, Jim?" The thorn in his side greeted each watchdog individually as he angrily chased him down the halls.

Wander.
He really does not like Wander.

Personally, he'd have no hatred towards him if he minded his own business and left him alone. That being said, that creep does the exact opposite! He's the whole reason his meticulously well crafted plans have been going down the toilet in the recent years.
The worst part is that it's not even directed at him and yet he's still always getting the short end of whatever that weirdo has going on. Not being able to predict what's coming next has got to be one of Peepers worst fears, and Wander is the most unpredictable variable he's ever met! Believe him, he's tried, but it seems to be impossible to understand WHY that ginger goodie-goodie does what he does.
It honestly seems that if sugar was a person, it'd be Wander, and Peepers hates sweet foods.

"When I get my hands on you-!" Something blue impacted his face, most likely a fist, and his vision went dark.
How did he let his life get to the point that this is considered a normal occurence?

He woke up a few hours later. He had no idea what time it was to be honest. There was nobody else in the hallway, so at least he could do the walk of shame to the kitchen without anyone watching him.
And so he did.
Once he got in the kitchen, he dug through the freezer to look for a bag of peas or quite literally anything frozen. His men getting pummeled was so often that there was hardly anything left in the freezer, but he managed to find a semi-crushed popsicle covered in ice crystals.
Sadly it was the worst flavor, yellow banana. It'll get the job done though.

He winced as he put it on his raw eyelid, and began to stalk back to his own room, hopefully trusting his brain knows the schematics of his ship to get him there while he's temporarily blinded.

It was a depressing walk down the quiet enough hall. Fitting for him as of late. He could probably guess what happened after he passed out. His men most likely chased them down the corridor and got visciously beaten to a pulp, Hater probably got involved and got humiliated in some way as per usual, and the two of them escape with as much property damage done as possible.

The cycle of events has become routine.

When he finally got to his room, Peepers dropped onto his bed and stared up towards the ceiling. If you were to ask him, he'd lie and say the reason his face was wet was because of the popsicle, he'd lie and say his eye was red because of the collision, he'd lie and say he wasn't alone. He's not alone.

If you were to ask him, he'd lie and say he's never regreted a single choice that got him here.
It wouldn't matter how he feels anyway, days have been blending together, he feels the same throughout all of them. He remembers when he first joined Hater, everything seemed fun and new, it was just the two of them. Then they recruited almost every Watchdog from his homeplanet to join them. Then life went downhill. He knows it's dumb, but sometimes, his face doesn't seem like his anymore, any life or shine in his eye seemed dulled down from how it used to be. He could really stare at himself for hours at a time in a mirror and still see a stranger staring back at him.

Peepers wiped off his eye with the sleeve of his uniform and sat up in his bed. He looked to the left of himself and unsurprisingly, there was nobody there. If nobody was a person, he's sure they'd be married by now.
He jumped off the bed and slowly walked to his desk and crossed out every meeting he had tomorrow messily in bright green ink. He maybe also kinda sorta shook it a bunch as if he was strangling it and angrily jabbed it down a few times in frustration, imagining it was a certain Wanderer. It also maybe kinda sorta left big splotches of bright green across his desk. A constant reminder that even in marker form he can never win. He will never win.

He threw it against the wall and leapt back onto his bed as he screamed into his pillow until he fell asleep. As one does most nights.

Unfortunately, he woke up the next morning.
He'd announced on the intercoms that there were no meetings that day and most likely no invasion plans either. Peepers could've sworn he heard cheering out in the halls. A full free day to do anything, and he wasted half of it lying in bed. Inescapabley, he got hungry. After denying himself breakfast and pretending to be too sick to make Hater any breakfast, he humiliatingly got up to get lunch.

Peepers didn't usually get lunch from the Watchdog food court let alone stay there to eat, he felt above it. Today, he felt at an all time low, and he could use background noise after all the quiet he had to endure. Quiet he usually begs for.
That's how he found himself situated at an empty table. Empty because he's the commander and deserves a whole table to himself of course! Not because no one would want to sit near him. That'd be loser-ish.
Peepers sighed and bit into his sea-nutbutter and jellyfish jelly sandwich in resolution as he listened unconsciously to the conversations being had around him.

"Did you hear about that fight with the fist-fighters and Lord Dominators robots?!"

"I'm just glad for once it's not US getting our butts kicked."

"Serves them right, two of them took selfies with the flashes on right next to me last week, I have photophobia!"

"I have eyedrops you can use if you need em'!" A familiar country accented voice spoke up.

Peepers whipped his head around so fast that it probably could've screwed off. Low and behold it was Wander himself. Peepers snapped the plastic spoon he had for his side dish in half. He hatefully glared at him as he watched him hand the watchdog some eyedrops. After the night he had, there was zero energy to chase after him, but he did notice a few watchdogs had begun glancing at him in nervous anticipation, just waiting for him to jump up and begin blasting. He just sighed and took another bite of his sandwich as calmly as he could to maintain his composure.
Then he proceeded to remove his helmet and set it down on the chair next to him. With any luck, he'd look like any other watchdog just eating their lunch. However this was WANDER, the only other person besides himself who's memorized every Watchdog's name, and even he himself gets it horribly wrong sometimes! But not Wander. He wins at that too.

"Hiya, Mister Peepers! What are you doin' here by your lonesome?" Wander asked as he took a seat opposite to Peepers. Peepers swore he felt like all eyes were on them, quite literally. He had a few options in this situation. He could snarkily reply and chase Wander, he could not reply and chase Wander, or he could blast and chase Wander. Every option sounded horrible and exhausting. He could only blankly stare at Wander. He's not a mind reader, but he wished he could get a look inside Wanders head. Maybe physically dissect his brain. Or explode him with his own brain, that'd be cool too.

"...-ster Peepers? Mister Peepers!"
He blinked back into consciousness.
"Are you-"
Peepers pushed himself off out the table and quietly walked out of the food court and to his room before Wander could finish. He locked the door to his bedroom and slid down it, putting his head in his knees. It was like that for a good 10 minutes before there was a knock at his door.

"Hey, Mister Peepers, you left your helmet on the chair! I brought it to you."
There was a pause.
"Can we talk?"

Peepers made no move to get up, and it was apparent Wander made no move to leave from the door. So hesitantly after 5 minutes, Peepers slowly unlocked his door and snatched his helmet back, going to to slam the door until Wanders foot got in the way.

"Move." That had to have been the first real word he said all day.

"Mister Peepers are you doin' okay?"
That was the question that opened a whole can of worms. He just all of a sudden just started uncontrollably sobbing. He felt himself being lead to sit on the edge of his bed, and then he felt himself being hugged and told variations of "It'll be okay" as circles were rubbed on his back. It'd be untrue to say he wasn't leaning into each little touch. Peepers was no stranger to falling asleep after crying, it was something he did quite often. This was just the first time in years he'd fallen asleep in his own bed with an actual person next to him.

He can deal with just WHO that person happened to be in the morning.

Chapter Text

Being vulnerable with someone you despise the most is a fate worse than death.

Not really, but the theatrics of that statement helped to enunciate pretty much half the shame Peepers was feeling as he slowly woke up and remembered the actions of yesterday afternoon.
He half wished he was absolutely wasted the day before so at least he could blame all of his actions on alcohol, but he wasn't even buzzed in the slightest. Not a single bottle near him either.

He shifted to sit up and noted the set of arms wrapped around his mid-section holding him close. Peepers took a deep breath and slowly turned to look at the number one cause of his problems... in all his sleeping beauty type glory. Wander looked to be calmly composed and at peace as he slept, nicely undisturbed. Peepers reeled back his leg back as far as he could and swiftly kicked him hard right in the chest, knocking him off the bed and harshly to the floor. He got a euphoric feeling seeing him startle awake and jumpily look at his surroundings.
As Wander scanned the room, a small smile appeared on his face when he spotted him on top of the bed, the same exact time a grimace appeared on peepers face as he looked down at him on the floor.

"Heya, Mister Peepers! You seem to be feeling better, I didn't know you kicked in your sleep!" Wander commented.

"I don't." Peepers replied dryly.

Wander gave him a confused look but shrugged it off.

"ARE you feeling better?" He asked in a tone so low, it could've been considered a whisper had it not been so quiet in the room.

In the moment he might've felt a little better, but analyzing the situation as a whole? He just felt shittier, especially knowing he let public Hater enemy number one watch him be so pathetic. That part alone made his stomach churn. He wouldn't let Wander know that though, then he'd be forced into a conversation about his "feelings" and waste precious time that could've been spent formulating invasion plans or crying in the shower. Both superior options.

"Yeah. I'm feeling 'peachy' or- you know- all that other stuff people say." He replied absent mindedly while waving his hand around.

"Are you positive? I wouldn't wanna leave you in your hour of need..."

"Great. Never better."

"Well I wouldn't wanna over stay my welcome! I just want to make sure you're okay first though."

"Mhm..."

"If you ever need a shoulder to cry on-"

"Stop acting like you're better than me."

"...What?"

"This whole-" He gestures to the general vicinity of Wander "Thing... That you do 24/7? The 'redemption' junk you like to pull? It's not gonna work. In case you've forgotten, I'm not Hater."

Wander blinked in surprise.
"Mister Peepers, of course I don't think you're hater! And I understand that you're-"

"No. I don't think you DO understand, so let me make it clear for you" Peepers cut him off. He jumped off the bed and walked over to lean in towards Wanders ear. "I despise you. I can't stand a single thing about you- In fact? Even LOOKING at you makes me sick. You're practically the personification of rabies and rotting meat. Much more importantly? You. are. nothing. to me."

Peepers leaned back, but continued his hate filled spiel.
"Honestly? At most you're pretty much just a weird bug in our path for Hater to crush under his foot," He sighed and sat in his desk chair. "I mean you're lucky for now... but just know this,"
Peepers leaned forwards in his chair.
"I will savor the day he finally realizes that you're not a threat. Because then?" He grabbed his blaster from the desk and ruthlessly blasted his glass Hater. He was probably going to be mad at himself later since he had to use ALL his glue to fix it after shattering it against the wall a while back, but it was worth it to make his point.

He looked back up to Wanders face. He wasn't sure what he wanted to see really. Maybe he was expecting fear? Anger? It didn't matter because all he saw in Wanders eyes was a mix of sadness and probably disappointment. The top two he wasn't expecting nor aiming for. Peepers didn't even know what he was trying to accomplish by his whole outburst, maybe it was to let some steam out on an unsuspecting punching bag. He didn't expect to feel bad after. He shouldn't feel bad. He got close to what he wanted in the end. Maybe.... Not really. Not at all.

The silence was uncomfortable. All they could really do was stare at eachother. Wander opened his mouth to speak twice, no words came out whatsoever. Eventually Peepers figured he should be the one to speak up.

"You should go...That's not a suggestion by the way." He gestured over towards his blaster, but there was no move to actually shoot.

"...Uh- yeah...yeah, Syl's probably expectin' me to be back by now anyways..."

"Yeah so- don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Wander awkwardly walked over to the door. Though his foot stopped halfway out.

"Mister Peepers.." He gave him a small smile. "My offer still stands, if you ever need someone to talk to or cry on, I'll be there. No questions asked!"

Peepers sat there stunned for a moment before responding"...Noted. I'll-..." He looked around, as if he were looking for a camera almost. He sighed and looked back at Wander "...I'll think about it."

Wander tipped his hat off to him before finally leaving Peepers to be alone once more in the solitary confinement of his room. The fact he'd willingly help him after all that was so- so dumb. He for sure wouldn't help anyone who confessed their deep burning hatred for him. He'd probably laugh in their face if they went to him for help afterwards. Blow up their planet, that's always fun. That's also probably another thing that makes Wander better than him.

Peepers slammed his head on the desk and ignored the stinging sensation that followed.
He's so tired of thinking, but you can't escape your brain.

This whole ordeal had so much awkward tension that not even one of a one night stand would reach. Not that he'd ever have a one night stand with Wander, that's just weird, and unappealing, and weird, as well as weird.
Hater was a hard maybe though.

He'd jump onto his bed and scream into his pillow like he normally does but it wouldn't feel the same. It would probably feel strange being in bed alone again after having a real living breathing person next to him after so many years. Regardless, he crawled into bed anyways to force the strange feeling away.
Sadly, he actually HAD stuff to do today and was probably behind schedule had he dared to check the clock.
As much as he'd love to complain to someone about the tedious and slightly meaningless tasks he has to do for his job, giving into the offer showed weakness.

He was not a weak man.

Chapter Text

Five different meetings. He had to get through five different meetings today because of the pure INCOMPETENCE of his recruits.
First there was the breifing on blaster safety after one of his men who shall totally not be named... just kidding, it was Jimmy, shot his eye and the resulting impact caused a domino effect that ended up having TEN watchdogs be sent to the infirmary and taken out of commission temporarily for the next two weeks.
Then there was the assembly for what SHOULD and SHOULDNT be done on a work computer after multiple incidents regarding... ahem, 'personal' files.

There was a quick meeting about team morale that he personally thinks was utterly useless considering they already have Andy to watch (Against his better judgement), what else could they want?
The meeting after that was an hour and thirty minutes long, just talking about invasion plans and future calender dates for said invasions. That meeting was technically split into two after Hater decided while he was mid-sentence to order lunch and have a thirty minute break in itself.

It was very safe to say that the day was exhausting. Having to chase down Wander and Sylvia as per usual was also very emotionally exhausting too. Today was something about playing 'Flag Football' to which Wander annoyingly used their flag for, in turn causing Hater to chase him and form legitimate teams. Some random Watchdog got a red penalty card for attempted tackling and he himself got a red card for shooting at Wander. They were both benched the rest of the game. In truth, the random Watchdog was willingly sitting down playing waterboy for other Watchdogs while he was sitting down mostly cause he could barely move from the McAss-kicking meal with extra bodyslamming he received from Sylvia. Not undeserved, but still painful, as usual.

After retreating to the ship once Hater had enough of their now daily indignity, he resolved to the quiet of his favorite room:
The Torture Room.
His own room was only his second favorite. Usually it's not so quiet in there, but there wasn't much huge focus on minor enemies of The Hater Empire™ as of late ever since Wander showed his face. His dumb idiot face. It'd look good as a dart board. A major improvement.
Everything was going great until he showed up. Lord Hater was number one on the charts consistently, he never got side-tracked as often, or riled up by minor inconveniences, and it actually felt like Peepers days were actually leading up to something. Before Wander? Hater was really competent. At least when he wanted to be.

The "good ol' days." to quote.
He felt pathetic looking back on the days in his life when it was just him, Hater, and Hater's beat up van. They were times he fondly looked back on though. Typically accompanied by a sad song blasting through his Hater-brand headphones.

Jeez, he didn't think HE'D be getting tortured in here. The room really does live up to it's name.

It was kinda sad having to wipe off the stretching-board before sitting down on it. There were inches on inches of dust after it's non-usage for a while.

After a few minutes of sitting in blissful silence, he heard the sound of a door opening. Most likely the janitor.
But janitors don't call him 'Mister Peepers' and run up to bother him in the middle of his sulking.

"I was looking for you, Mister Peepers!"

"Lets get this over with. What do you want?"

"Well...I was just noticing-"

"Wow, congratulations. First time?"
Wander giggled a bit at his lame interruption. Why is it that he always gets the opposite reaction from this guy?

"You seemed preeeettyyyy wound up tight today. Especially after Sylvia did a number on ya."

Peepers scoffed at the accusation. It wasn't wrong.

"Y'know, I could help you! I'm not one to brag but I HAVE been told round' the galaxy that I give pretty good back massages!"
Wanders eyes looked Peepers up and down.
"And no offense, Mister Peepers, but you look like you really could use one."
Ouch.

"I don't want you of all people touching me."
Peepers dusted the non-existent dirt off of his pants and sleeves, as if saying it got invisible mud all over him.
"Besides, you sure they just didn't say you're 'good with your hands' as a general saying?"

"No, I'm pretty sure! they were very specific." Wander replied either having missed the implication of his words or just brushing over them politely.

This guy just doesn't quit. Peepers would be foolish to accept. One time could be a semi-forgivable action. Two times? Forget it. It'd be so Looney he'd change his name to tune. The crick in his upper back wasn't that bad. He really didn't need Wander running his fingers across his shoulders, gradually applying pressure, and massaging until the years of tension melted away.

...Actually on second thought.

"...I owe you nothing after this. The same goes for The Hater Empire. You are not permitted to either speak of this to anybody outside the prominent circle of who has been included, which is just the two of us, or use this interaction for any deviating future purposes such as blackmail. Understood?"

"Of course! This IS just a favor for a buddy afterall!"

Peepers grumbled something about not being buddies as he reluctantly lied down on his stomach flat. His position felt like he was expecting his head to be chopped off in medieval fashion. Jeez, he really WAS wound up tight.

Pretty soon he felt two furry hands press gently down onto his shoulders.

"Soooo...how's your day going?" Wander

"Is your strategy of prying into my life gonna involve you annoying me to death with stupid questions?"

"Well gee, I was just askin' how your day was."

"Fine. My day was fine."

".........And how would you rate it on a scale from one to ten?-"

"Wander."

"Yes?"

"Shut up."

What a dumb question. There was no way he'd justify that with a response.

"...A six."
He could practically sense the grin that followed.

"What'd you do all day that's been stressin' you out?" Wander asked as he dug the palm of his hand into Peepers upper back.

"Work."

"Well obviously! I meant like, specifically."

"Meetings."

"What'd you do AT those meetings?"

"You really don't let up. do you?"
He felt the slight vibration of Wander shaking his head.

"We went over proper gun safety protocols, team morale, invasion plans, etcetera."
He recited as he rolled his eye at the rememberance of them.

"Wow, that really must've been exhausting for you."

"It really was. Sometimes it feels like we've regressed as an army." Peepers sighed.

"How so?"

"Ever since, well, YOU showed up. We've gotten worse. It feels like my troops went soft. Maybe.....Maybe Hater too." He spit out, but no actual venom lacing his words.
"I'm sure you're real proud of that, huh? Knowing whatever sick plan you have is working?"

Wander inwardly cringed.
"It's not a 'sick plan'. I just believe that everyone deserves a chance to have a friend. Even you and Hatey!"

"Yeah...whatever. Don't get your sentiment on me."
Peepers tuned the rest of his words out as he rested his head back down. Would it be bad to say he feels...ugh...RELAXED? Man, he's gotta have some magic fingers or something because he couldn't recall when his eyelid began to feel heavy.

Or when he closed it to begin with.

Chapter Text

"Excuse me! Excuse me I- I just have a question- Were you REALLY the one responsible for blowing up zykornius 5Bˇ7?!"

"Pssshhh- Of course that was me! Who ELSE could easily carve their initials in their dumb puny moon?! It was like taking candy from a stupid little baby!"

"Even with their heavily fortified military and advanced technological defense?!"

"Psssshh- Those purple bug-eyed creeps didn't stand a chance, not even with a thousand of those techy missile thingies! But then again, who would when going up against THE GREATEST IN ALL THE GALAXY! THE ULTIMATE-"

This guy is hardcore. He did idiotic poses as he began listing off different titles he'd most likely given himself. Although, this same guy managed to destroy an entire planet system in mere minutes from where it took countless villains and their many fleets to leave even a scratch on them! Perhaps deep, deep, DEEP down past his stupid makeshift rockstar costume lies some form of competency afterall. Though from what he could tell, he may have been a bit cocky...actually VERY cocky...Peepers could use that to his advantage.

"-HATESUMA SUPREME, THE MINISTER OF MISERY, NUMBER ONE SUPERSTAR- KING SPITE!"

He must've zoned out through half of that.

"Wait, wait, wait, you named yourself King Spite?"
Okay so the name could use some workshopping.
The man scoffed loudly in annoyance.

"I'd like to see YOU come up with a COOLER name- you- uh...yooouu...What IS your name actually?"

"Peepers T. Drops...?"

"HAHAHA! Your name is SO LAME!"

"What? And King Sprite is better?"

"IT'S KING SPITE! AND IT'S WAY COOLER THAN DUMB OL' PEEPERS!"

Oh grop! He's losing him!

"Sorry- sorry! I didn't come to make fun of your name- I just- "

"Ugh! Whatever nerd, Spite-fiya OUT!"
The man began to pack up the box he'd been standing on and turned to move away.

"You're incredible!"

He spun back around quickly and his jaw dropped like it was the first time he's ever heard that before. Peepers had to give him his respect for the fast recovery though as he tried to conceal the fact that that's probably the first real compliment he's ever gotten.

"Uhhmm DUUUHHH, I already KNOW that. Don't waste my time telling me stuff I already know!"

"Of course, sir! Uh- I'll make this quick then-"

Peepers took a deep breath.

"I want to work with you."

-

It was much less a dream than just a memory that kickstarted the rest of his life. It loved to play over and over anytime he had a chance to sleep
When he'd met Hater, it was in a parking lot at night, he was bragging to a crowd about how he's the best or something? His brain goes funny at the details. He just remembers barely a day later he unenrolled from college and took off to spend the rest of his days in Haters van. They DID eventually workshop the name, much to Peepers relief, and they even got new costumes for the both of them. His helmet used to look a lot dumber.

If he's having that dream again then that means most likely two things.
1. He's way too caught up in past decisions he's made over the years, and while he's self aware enough to realize that factor, he still refuses to let go. In fact, he's going to ignore that and push it waaaayyy deep down.

and 2.
He's a massive idiot.
He did the number one thing he told himself NOT to do, which is getting personal with the enemy. Full blame WILL be place on that nostalgic setting and magic massage. He's lost to Wander again. Mentally this time.
So not only did he fall asleep AGAIN in front of him, he also looked around and realized he's back in his own room. He half expected to see Wander sleeping next to him again, however sadly he didn't. Not sadly actually. He's just mostly sad that he can't kick him off the bed again. That was so fun.

What WASNT fun was being piled in work. That sucks. But it had to be done. Reluctantly he began to get up before noticing a note on his dresser. Signed with a heart and smiley face- goddamnit it was Wander wasn't it?

He picked it up and read through it.

'Hey, Mister Peepers!
Sorry for setting your alarm off, I just wanted you to sleep in a little longer. I could see you were stressed so I did most of your chores for you! It was no problem at all, I marked them for you too.

Your Best Friend, Wander

P.S. I left you a granola bar on your dresser

P.P.S. If you eat it that means we're super mega friends forever and ever and ever!

P.P.P.S. And ever!

P.P.P.P.S I have nothing else to write, there was just a bunch of lonely empty space down here! Okay, love you, bye!'

Then there was a bunch of X's and O's, most likely a threat.
And a bad drawing of them holding hands. Most likely also a threat, holding him hostage maybe?

Regardless, the note reeked of sentiment.
He discarded both it AND the granola bar in the nearest trash can. Then he carried it down the hall and shot it into the vacuum of space. He made a mental note of getting a new trashcan, maybe from Hate-kea™.

After a long long LONG scalding hot shower to rid himself of any friendship follicles that may have dripped on him and contaminated him from holding the letter, he made his way to the halls. Most of his work was done for him, he supposed he should make sure his soldiers were too. Not because he was bored.

Everywhere he went he could've sworn he heard Watchdogs laughing. If he didn't know any better he'd assume they're laughing at him! It's hard to tell since everytime he looked at them directly they'd be straight faced in a salute. Those two-faced butt clowns! They'd be right to do it behind his back, laughing at him to his face is practically asking to die! Well maybe not die, he's not gonna kill a recruit off of the battlefield. That'd be one less Watchdog to torment, his favorite activity according to his wikipedia page. But for sure they'd definitely be getting blasted so hard in the face that they'd wish they could.

When he finally went to the bathroom after a Watchdog spilt their drink on his precious uniform (he of course reprimanded them as kindly as he could:A blast from his gun and 2 hours of yelling) he looked up at the mirror and saw something so horrifying, so gastly, SO frightening that left him appalled. In fact, a chill just went down his spine.

A kiss mark on his eyelid, exactly where his forehead would be.

Goddamnit.

Chapter Text

"Do you enjoy embarrassing me?"

Tracking down Wander to ask him that question would be pretty obsessive. Tracking down Wander in a mission DISGUISED as capturing him and making it seem like he just so happened to ask him that as a casual not-so casual question? Perfectly sane and reasonable! Anyone would do it. If those anyones were psycho girlfriends, stalkers, and general weirdos. This was technically in the name of villainy though so it's okay-ish.

"Pardon me?"

Tracking Wander was easy, he's wasn't exactly that hidden. He was actually alone outside a shack probably waiting on his friend. So Peepers did the logical thing and jumped on him, dragged him away to a private secluded area and asked him a reasonable question!

"Do you enjoy embarrassing me?" Peepers repeated.

"Of course not! I believe we've been over this before? I just wanna help you and-"

Peepers frustratingly pointed at his forehead and began pacing the area. He washed the mark off by now, the point got across though.

"So what's your problem? I'm tired, I really am. So I'm just gonna ask you, because I'm genuinely fed up. I just don't understand you."

"Well commander... I could say the exact same about you."

"What?! That's literally-...Just-...What?! There is nothing for you to understand about me!"

"Well I can think of a few things." Wander began to list things out on his fingers
"I don't know your favorite animal, I don't have a clue about what your favorite color is- heck! I don't even know what you like to do on a rainy friday night! What softener you use, What's your favorite food, Who took you to your senior prom or most importantly, WHY are you."

"Why? Why am I what."

"Just why."

"Why are you? Usually there's more to sentences like that."

"One statement can't hold all the questions I have about you, Mister Peepers."

"So...just-... why?"

"Why."

"......I literally hate you and everything you stand for."

"As we've established."

"...You bother me."

"I'm well aware."

"...You're the worst enemy of The Hater Empire."

"I'm aware of that too."

"...I hate you."

"You've said that once or twice."

"MY why is WHY would I tell you ANYTHING?"

"Then MY why is why not?"

"...Your why is stupid."

Wander shrugged in response.

"Stop being cryptic!" Peepers turned around to grip onto the sides of his helmet angrily and screamed as quietly as he could into it. After his mini fit he turned back to look at Wander.

"...Answer my question and I'll answer ONE of yours." He comprised.

"Deal?"

Wander smiled excitedly and nodded in agreement.
"Deal!"
He then held out his hand for Peepers to shake.
Peepers looked at it in an almost disgust for a minute before taking it and pulling Wander down to his level. Not level! Face, his face. Down to his face. He is tall, Wander just happens to be SLIGHTLY taller. By a foot.

"You better not ask me something stupid."
He wished he could slap that dopey smile off of his face, however if he did that then that wouldn't do good for getting him to answer questions.

An opportunity to gain information on your opponent is an opportunity worth taking.

"Why do you do this?"

"Uh, Mister Peepers, could you maybe specify what 'this' means?"

Peepers gestured to around them.
"THIS. This whole thing. This."

"Ohhhhh, that!" Wander tapped his chin and looked up. "I guess it's because I like helpin' others be happy!"

Peepers stared at him, tracing every line on his face, dissecting his expression.
"...That's it?"

"In short."
Peepers squinted at him, there was more he wasn't telling him. A more in depth answer if you will. For now, this was.... satisfactory.

"That's too simple."

"Why do YOU do this?"

"This what."

Wander mock gestures all around him in the same way Peepers did earlier.
"This!"

"Oh. That." Peepers rocked slightly on his heels, not in Wander style of course though. Never in anything Wander style.

There was MANY answers to a question like that. Maybe it was like that for Wanders answer too. The simplest explanation it is then. Not like Wander deserves HIS more in depth one anyway.
"I guess.....I wanna help Hater. I mean I DID kinda use him as a figure for myself but- I do believe it. 'It' being that we can conquer the universe."

"Wow."

"Wow?"

"Wow! You like helpin' folk too? I mean it's just Hater but that's always a start!"

"That's where it ends."

"We'll see!"

"We will."

Wander took a seat on the ground and they both pretty much stared at eachother for a bit afterwards. There wasn't anything else to speak about. Peepers didn't get too far in his planning. Would it be awkward to ask Wander to get in a sack so he can deliver him to Hater? Wander seemed to be admiring the view. Actually his staring made him feel self conscious. Was there food on his face? Was the kiss mark still there? Was it hot outside or was he just broken? There were many questions and only so many answers.

Thankfully the "eye fucking" or whatever you call it was broken by a distant voice calling out for Wander, which startled both of them. Wander looked to Peepers again to try and talk him into letting him go or buy himself enough time to let Sylvia find him, however Peepers seemed to have turned around, inspecting a rock in front of him that had no value whatsoever. A subtle sign for Wander to "escape". A rare act of decency, or dare he say, KINDNESS. From Peepers no less. A high honor

One that he took.

Chapter Text

Grop, when did he start trading niceties with no good grossly good do-gooders?!

He would never be caught in a moment of weakness like that. The catch-ee would be dealt with in a matter of seconds if that were to actually happen...or- maybe the catchER? Doesn't matter. They'd be gone and he'd have to keep his guard on 110% to not slip up again.
It wasn't like he purposefully let Wander escape either. The truth was...He just wanted to look at a super cool rock! That's right. It- uh...it had moss on it. That's the lie he's gonna tell himself anyway. It's easier to lie than to face the fact that he didn't ACTUALLY know why he let Wander leave. Maybe it was just SO awkward that he did. Maybe he just didn't wanna deal with Sylvia. Or maybe JUST maybe, when he wasn't looking, Wander strummed his banjo SO fast that it hit a frequency his brain was in tune with and reprogramed him for a split second to turn around! Or maybe that was complete BS.

One of those lies can work eventually. Just like Hater whenever he does puzzles, if it doesn't fit at first, you can cram it in there until it does (after electricuting it 5 times).

No use dwelling on the past.

THIS week...may be the same as last week but so far, there were no pesky feelings talk from homeless hippies so that makes it better than last week. All he had to focus on was planning the next invasion, overseeing their research department in new weaponry (Maybe his favorite thing on the whole list), the reports watchdogs have to give in by the end of the month that a good chunk of them do NOT do, and maintaining their allyship. That last one is usually just keeping their ONE ally, Mars, happy. Why do they even have allies? Well they didn't before, but after the whole Dominator Doomsday thing? It worked well enough. So he pulled some strings and set it up behind Hater's back, since he would never approve of having backup...or would try and date their queen. Both most likely. The day they finally take over the entire galaxy and can double cross them is a day he'll cherish. For now, it's best to keep their only ally content. Begrudgingly.

What a boring week it'll be.

"Sir!" A Watchdog- Think his name was Bill?- ran up to him.
"There's been a report that someone's on the ship!"

Nope. He's doubling down on the boringness of it. What a repeat.

"Is the zybornak with him this time?"

"Uh- Yes..."

"How many men did we lose?"

"...Twenty-Seven in the infirmary. Thirty on the ground."

"Send all our men from sector B4 after them." He responded with a sigh.
The watchdog saluted and ran off. This isn't even worth his time. Hence why only the men from sector B4 are being sent out.

He walked down the hallway opposite of B4 on his way to the war room.

That's the room most of his plans are made in.
With model accurate strategic battle figures to help showcase his very elaborate and carefully constructed plans before they're put into action! It's orderly.
Once he got inside he closed the door behind him. And locked it. Not for any particular reason. He also picked up the figure of himself and Hater. Not for any particular reason.
Then Peepers looked around the room frantically before clearing his voice. Not for any particular reason.

"Ahem- Commander Peepers! You have done an excellent job around the ship today. I appreciate all the hardwork you put in around here." He said in a gravely mimic of Haters voice while waving Hater's figure around.
"You're truly an inspiration to us all!"

Peepers pretended to look bashful.
"Gee, sir! Just doin' my job!"
He switched back to the Hater figure and made it nod his head.

Is it sad to say he made the fake Hater praise him for half an hour before moving onto the next scene? Well he didn't. It was forty minutes in exact. The scariest part was probably the fact that he always came up with something new to say. It's really hard to say if this was considered narcissism or approbation lust formed from low self esteem.

"Commander Peepers, not only have you shown your amazing capabilities when you bravely captured Wander and Sylvia, you're also very attractive. And tall! Therefore, I'm promoting YOU to LORD Peepers!"

Yeah it was probably both actually.

Then there was clapping and whistling behind him to which Peepers jumped at. Eveytime he actually wants to be alone, he just can't. Next time he should try that reverse psychology.
He quickly turned to see Wander there...how'd he get in if he locked the door?

"That was AMAZING Mister Peepers! I didn't expect that at all!"

Peepers just slowly blinked his eye to determine if he's having a bad dream.
He was not.

"One note, maybe at the end you, Hater, Sylvia and I all become...wait for it...BEST FRIENDS!"

"How about I shoot you."

"Do you need another person? I can play you and you can play me!" Wander asked, ignoring what Peepers just said.

"What?- Ew, gross, no. You'd make me all nice and sappy!"

"Y'know believe it or not, I do know what a taste of the 'bad life' is like."

"...Are you referring to your 'Alter Ego'?- What's his name?- Wild Wooly Wander?"

"How'd you know about that?" Wander said bashfully about his past actions.

"We keep a file."

HE keeps a file. It's good to keep information on the enemy. Information is leverage. As of late, that information was revisited... and revisited... and revisited... and revisited. He couldn't lie, from what their intel gathered from stories passed around the galaxy, evil looked good on Wander. Too bad it didn't last longer. It's not like the file was a Wander ONLY thing. They had one for Sylvia, Emperor Awesome and pretty much all threats to the Hater empire. Wander's was the one that was just the thinnest. Not much was known about his past.
Typical of him to be so weird that even their databases couldn't even contain the answer for his weirdness.

"So what if you pretended to be super 'bad' and super 'evil' and super 'hot'? The key word in that sentence is still pretend."

"You said pretended."

"Same difference!- Look- What are you even doing here?"

"Oh, well it's a funny story! See, Sylvia and I were out wanderin' about, and we just saw your ship sitting there so I thought I'd pop in and say hi! Oh- and thank you of course."

"Thank you?"

"No, thank YOU! On account of not capturing me and all."

"...I don't know what you're talking about."

"Last week? When you-"

Was that a week ago? Man, the days really do blend together.

"That was a moment of weakness. I refuse to talk about it."

"Alright, well then let's talk about something else!"

"What else is there to talk about?"

"I can think of a whole bunch of topics. The weather, sports, your favorite stars, your favorite trees, the seasons changing, those neat toys ya got there-"

Peepers glanced down at the figures in his hands and angrily looked back at Wander.
"They're NOT toys! They are strictly stategic battle figurines for planning invasions!"

"Aw, it's okay to play with toys, Mister Peepers! I won't make fun of you for it."

"I was NOT playing with toys!"

"I can do a good Hater impression! Watch!"
Wander moved the Hater figure he had in his hand around quickly.
"Who is the universes awesomest evildoer!-"

"Wait how'd you even get that?-"
Peepers looked down at his hand to find nothing there except for a white dotted outline of the missing Hater figure flash a few times before disappearing. Peepers greedily snatched the figure back and held it close to his chest like it was his lifeline.

"Only HATER gets to use this one! So keep your greasy hands off!"

"But you were just usin' it earlier."

"Thats- ...that's different. I'M aloud to, you just aren't. So don't."

Wander didn't pry and instead picked up a generic Watchdog figure.

"Is this one okay?"

"...You know you have your OWN figure right? Like, I've seen you use it before."

"I just felt it'd feel out of place for you. I mean you came here lookin' to be alone and all, and I just kinda interrupted your original storytelling."

At least he was aware he was interrupting Peepers "alone time". That's mildly considerate. Grossly so. It was already ruined for him anyways.
Plus it's kinda hard to get back into the flow of things when you have an audience. An audience of one was somehow more embarrassing than a whole group of people.
Or maybe it's just because it's Wander. He'd probably patiently sit and listen through his whole... "show" and clap everytime there's a scene change. Then maybe psychoanalize Peepers in his head. Not like Peepers really cares what Wander thinks of him. It's irrelevant.

"Why aren't you off with your little Zybornak friend?"
Why is he choosing to make conversation? He's not. It's just that if he had to choose an audience of Wander AND Sylvia or just Wander, he'd choose Wander. He doesn't value either of their opinions but at least if Wander thought he was cringey, sad and laughable he'd keep it in his head.

"Syl? I just thought I should come say hi alone. I didn't really think you'd want to see the both of us here at the same time." Wander looked away from Peepers as he said that.

"Oh yeah, you being here and her down there destroying my troops is so much better." Peepers said sarcastically as he rolled his eye.

A bleak silence fell over the two afterwards. It wasn't like he went too far with his sarcasm. He's went much farther. You can't top calling a man the equivalent of rabies and rotting meat. It was just a weird normal silence. There were many topics they could talk about that Wander oh so graciously listed off earlier, but none of them came out.

Peepers lied flat of the glowing green table. Why? No idea. This whole interaction just tired him out. Why did Wander lie down next to him? No idea. Maybe he had no energy either. After a quiet five minutes of staring up at the ceiling, it's probably best Wander spoke up.

"How have you been?"

"I've been worse." That wasn't a lie, Wander was a witness to not only how comfortable his bed was, but also how worse he can get. Or bad? How bad he can get? Whatever. The state in which his mind was not the best.

"Anything happen lately?" Wander asked.

"Nothing of your concern."
A.k.a "none of your business" but worded better.

And more silence...and some more silence...and some more silence...and some more- Okay he can't do this.

"Why do you choose to bother me?"

"Why do I choose to talk to you?"

"BOTHER. You BOTHER me. Even when you're not here you BOTHER me." Peepers chose to emphasise.

"I'd rather say befriend."

"I'd rather not."

"Oh."
Oh? Just an oh? That's lame.

"......Did anything happen to you?" He's gonna regret having enough decency to ask. Societal standards.

"...What?" A smile crept onto Wanders face as he asked that and turned his head to Peepers, who was already looking away.

"...Nothing, forget it. It felt weird leaving my mouth."

"Sorry, Sorry! I was just surprised you actually asked me that!"

"Are you new to conversations? Maybe you're unaware but that's just how they work."

"To be fair, our conversations usually go a LITTLE differently."

"I'm aware of how our conversations usually go."

"This is definitely progress though!"

"It's not progress to anything, get that idea OUT of your head!"

The idea definitely did not leave his head. Neither did the huge smile he had on his face.
Peepers considered throwing him out on his ass before Wander spoke up.

"...After the whole 'Dominators destruction of the galaxy' thing, me and Sylvia have been helpin' folks get settled back into their home planets."
It took Peepers a minute to realize he was responding to his previous question.

"And I can't lie, the work HAS been a little teensy tiny bit exhausting... and I mean don't get me wrong! I'm always happy to help anyone in need and I will always be there to lend a hand! But it's a lotta people who need help at the same time, and I just can't get there fast enough."

Wander sighed and laid back down next to Peepers as he continued to look back up at the ceiling.
"... It makes me feel....of course this was a silly thought... but it makes me feel a little small. Like I could be doing so much more to help so many more people."

Finding this type of common ground with Wander? That wasn't on Peepers bucket list. That wasn't on any list he could think of. However he could relate. He's felt smaller than everyone else his whole life. Ironically he's been smaller than everyone else physically his whole life too. That made him work harder than everyone else. So he'd finally smash their faces in the metaphorical cake of his earnings, and eat it too. Maybe get that lick of respect he's been dreaming of.

"...If you're looking for a pep-talk you're not gonna find it." Peepers said bluntly.

"I wasn't really expectin' one," Wander admitted "I just wanted to get that off my chest I guess. I'm sorry for dumpin' that on you, Mister Peepers. That was super rude of me!"

There was a pause before Peepers responded.
"No...No I... get it? In a way. I mean do you know how many repairs we had to give the ship after Dominator?"
Peepers said her name like a disease.

"Yeah, I was wondering why it looked bigger!"

"We're STILL repairing it."

"Yeah, I was wondering why there were holes in the walls!"

"I have to supervise all of it too, and there's always some new disaster to correlate for. Always some new problem that pops up. I mean you're the cause for half of it."

Wander just nodded his head in agreement.

"And I don't just get it on the whole Dominator front, I get the...the other thing you said."

"Feeling small?"

"I don't like repeating it. But yeah, I get it. It sucks a lot to feel that way often. But it's just a feeling. Just ignore it."

"It's not good to bury your feelings, Mister Peepers."

"You do more for the freeloaders in this galaxy than they do for themselves. And you know what?! You don't get to feel small! You're just SO- eugh- 'nice' that your brain is tricking itself into wanting to do more. It's weak. You're weak. You are a weak man."

Peepers took a deep breath to maintain his composure. Or lack of it.
"You're already doing more than the average person. Past the limit at that since you STILL find time to come over here and bother me. Stop feeling sorry that you're not doing more when you are. Your definition of more just needs work. Again, it makes you look weak. Don't be."

Now they were both looking up at the ceiling to avoid eye contact.

"...That sounded a lot like a pep-talk."
If it was, it was a really really bad one.

"It wasn't. I'm just not gonna have the enemy of The Hater Empire be weak. It makes us look weak in comparison."

Peepers cut Wander off before he opened his mouth.
"Don't start that crap about how 'true strength is in the mind.' I'm not in the mood for it."
Wander then made the motion of locking his mouth with a key and throwing it away.

There wasn't much else to talk about so they stayed silent this time, and for once it wasn't uncomfortable. Who would've known that laying next to his boss's worst enemy in silence was kinda nice?
No seriously who, because if anyone found out about this he'd blast them into smithereens.
Later.
After Wander got up first.

Chapter Text

"Ugh! I have nothing to wear!"

"Sir, you have a full closet of freshly cleaned clothes."

"But none of them are good enough!" Hater paced around the room, most likely overthinking everything ever done by man.

"What if she thinks flowers are totally lame?!"

"I'm sure she won't, sir."

"But Dominator did! And she-"

"Sir, respectfully, Dominator wasn't interested in the slightest. I'm sure this girl is!"

No she wasn't. She was just the princess of some planet they were trying to conquer playing the part of "sacrficial bride"...well more like "sacrificial date". A last ditch effort to prevent their invasion that he could see from miles away. What THEY couldn't see was that he's gonna flip the tables on them and do it right under their noses! If they really have that much faith in such a lousy plan, then their forces will be none the wiser to a hidden attack. Their efforts to stop their invasion will actually end up starting it! Sure, It's definitely not a plan he'd usually go for seeing as it's such a weirdly constructed plan, but unfortunately their princess was...'hot'. Therefore, Hater was willing to go for their obvious diversion. Typically Peepers would be against it, he'd advise him- no...BEG him not to go for it, seeing as dating turns him into the biggest dope in the universe...but after watching Dominator crushing his heart into a million tiny pieces? Maybe this was something Hater needed, even if Peepers didn't see the point. It was even kinda nice to see him try and get back out there. Obviously this..."date" wouldn't go anywhere, not like he'd consider it that, but it's a start.

But at the same time?

He couldn't even fathom the thought of Hater...like HATER Hater...LORD Hater... ACTUALLY managing to get even the slightest romantic encounter. WILLINGLY. With a girl no less. Don't get him wrong, he's his number one hype-man through and through. Hater is the one person in the galaxy he's proud to say he's openly friends with. Best friends at that, despite Wander's homewreckage. He even went out and got matching tattoos with the guy! But realistically? Hater's never had the best luck with women. Ever. In the entire time that he's known him. Which is a long time. In fact, Hater would most likely have better luck with a guy at that point, but even then his chances are slim to none. It's not like any of them deserve Hater anyway. He's too good for any of them. It's impossible for them to even know him in the way Peepers does, so they just decide to overlook greatness. They should be lucky Hater even spares them a passing glance if he's being honest. So if this really was a start, it was gonna quickly come to an end.

-

Maybe the world's out to get him. They were given a speeding ticket on their way to the planet, six of his troops didn't get the memo that they were conquering DURING the date and almost blew their whole plan by hastling random people in the streets, and they forgot to make a stupid dinner reservation! That last one was a petty complaint actually since all Hater had to do to get a seat was show a few green lighting sparks, a little bit of "DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM", a really bad glare, and he was already in a chair with a menu.

Peepers had to make a reservation the "old fashioned way" though so he could spy- "WINGMAN" Hater throughout the date. Longest thirty minutes of his LIFE. Thankfully he got a seat before the princess got to the restaurant.

It was all probably a sign for something, maybe it was to leave the planet alone or just conquer it how they always do, but seeing as they've already set everything up, he's gonna treat it like how Hater treats a stop sign. As a suggestion.

As long as there was no more screw ups, maybe JUST maybe...tonight would go fine.

"Mister Peepers?! Is that you?!"

"No..."

"It is such a coincidence to see yall here!"

"Oh my grop no...NO!..."
Call him an overdramatic drama queen, but to him it seemed perfectly reasonable in that moment to drop to his knees and beg for the grim reaper to also 'coincidentally' be there and kill him.
"We were so close this time!- Are you-...You gotta be KIDDING me!" He yelled exasperatedly.

"Why are you here?!" Peepers looked towards Wander who was NOT alone this time, and instead with his stupid zybornak friend. Great. Just great. Awesome really. TWO nuisances instead of ONE.

"We were just in the neighborhood, lookin' around and we saw this lovely little restraunt so we thought we'd pop in and say hello!"

"And we were hungry." Sylvia cut in.

"Kinda weird you guys are here. You're not up to anything right? Cause' I always got time to work up an even bigger appetite."

Yeah by sending his troops to the infirmary for the millionth time. Anyway, the implications of that question was totally uncalled for. It was definitely true in this case, not like he'd tell her that now, but it's not like conquering and destruction are the ONLY things they ever do. Sometimes they just conquer. Or destroy. Give or take. Really just take.

"Wait....Is that Hatey?! Is he on a date?!" Wander interjected, to which Peepers unexpectedly let out the worst laugh of his life from that question.

From a technical stand point it definitely was. It was just an unexpected question to the point of it being funny. Plus, to someone that DIDN'T know the plan they were about to pull? He looked at least a little weird for laughing like that. That's why he didn't care when Sylvia and Wander tilted their heads in confusion at his outburst.

"It's not a date, it's more like a tackless get together at best." Peepers said as he rolled his eye. Now he definitely looked petty.

Sylvia began to snicker.
"Oh please! You're just mad it's not you out there."

He turned and just stared at her like she had said the most disgusting thing ever. At least it sure felt like she did.

"Yeah no, she's not really 'my type' at all."

"She's not who I was talking about."

Despite the mix of a glare and questioning look Peepers gave her, he knew what she was implying. It's not like she's completely wrong. Maybe at another time in his life she would've been entirely right. That time would be between when he didn't lose all romantic hope in his life and maybe didn't feel tired all the time. So very far back. He felt no... to quote what she was probably thinking..."jealousy".

Sure, yes, he thought Hater could do way better than a woman who's smile was so bright it could blind birds fifty feet away and looked as though she could outshine the suns rays, but he saw right through her. Every bat of her eyelashes he so desperately wanted to rip off, or the "readjustment" of her bra, or her fake ear bleeding laugh. It was all an act. She was just some princess from some royal family from some planet desperately flirting like her life depended on it in order to save it. To be fair it does. He should aplaud her on her acting skills, She's just accidentally making sure it tastes all the more sweeter when they take over the planet and Peepers can watch her face fall when all her effort failed not only her, but her subjects. He feels giddy at the thought of it. One day Hater will realize all he REALLY needs in life is Peepers, their Watchdogs and GALACTIC DOMINATION!

"Are you making sure their date goes well?! Do you need any help?! I can-" A blue tail flew to his mouth and cut him off. Wander and Sylvia turned around into a little huddle.
All the words Peepers could make out were "Look, buddy I know" yadda yadda, "Syllll" with puppy dog eyes, then something somthing, "Fine, but" blah blah blah...Then they turned back to him.

"Listen pipsqueak, if you try anything, anything at all? I won't hesitate to get Lady Haymaker, and The Dutchess on you." That's all she said as she made a motion with her fists before turning to hug Wander and walking away.
He guessed she wanted nooooo part after the whole marriage thing. He couldn't blame her for that. He COULD blame her for leaving him with Wander without him agreeing to let him help!

At least Wander can't sabotage them this time. Hopefully it wasn't a Robomechabototron situation again. Maybe things can ACTUALLY go to plan this way. He's not too hopeful on that front.

-

Hiding behind a menu with eye holes and a pair of binoculars thrust into them comically. Not suspicious at ALL.

Blending in was hard considering for a high class restaurant, there was a serious lack of people in here. Everywhere he looked there seemed to be less and less patrons. Objectively however, If he wasn't part of the empire that could conquer their planet on a whim, he supposed he'd be far FAR away from this restaurant too.

"Isn't this exciting Mister Peepers?! We get to be wingmen for Hater! Maybe we'll even be his best men at his wedding!-"

"Will you keep it down?! We're two booths away, not two miles."

Being this close to Wander after everything as of recent made him semi-nauseous. Thankfully it wasn't a vomitting nausea but still. Talking to Wander in secret was hard enough, but now WORKING WITH HIM? Behind Haters back? Kinda hard NOT to feel as though you just betrayed your entire empire, even though it's FOR the good of empire. Besides, it's been a hot minute since their last one on one "talk session". He just never brought up anything after their last talk, opting to continue on like normal. Wander seemed to have done the same so he just assumed he got the gist of it. It's not like he's been avoiding talking with him again, things just "come up". If anything it would've been vice versa... if it ever came down to that of course, seeing as he can't find anywhere to hide from Wander, but Wander can be as elusive as he wants. So help him though, if Wander ever did try to avoid him on purpose he'd drag him back himself. He won't tolerate being completely ignored by their greatest foe.

"I can't hear what they're saying." Peepers half said to Wander and half said to just himself as he lowered the menu-noculars.

"Don't worry Mister Peepers, I'll just read their lips!" Wander assured as he picked up the binoculars from their space in the fake menu. Yeah right. As if that little weirdo could read lips. Worth a shot though.

"Okay so he gave her flowerss, that's good! Not so good he threw them at her but- oh! Okay she's laughing about it. Phew, crisis averted. And now she's askin' him how does he stay so in shape and maintain his...'assets' so well- He said 600? Huh? 600 what? Okay well now she's laughing again-"

"I have an eye, Wander. I can see when they're laughing."

Wander didn't respond as he squinted and leaned forward over the table.
"Now she's askingggg if he's ever- oh! I don't think I should repeat that. Oh gosh, Hater's losin' it over that one!"

"What?!" Peepers pushed his face up against Wanders cheek as forcefully took half of the binocular to see through. There was no reason to do that if he could just see them from his seat... actually what was even the point of bringing the binoculars? For show? Whatever, doesn't matter. In any case, sadly, Wander was correct. Hater looked to absolutely be choked up and even though he couldn't hear what he was saying, he knew it was just nonsense.

Peepers groaned in annoyance while Wander scooted even closer to him to pat his back.

"This better not be a whole thing like Dominantor." Peepers said.

He expected something like
"I'm sure it won't be, Mister Peepers!"
or
"Don't worry everything will go just fine!" as a response. Instead Wander was silent.

"...Do you really wish it was you?"

Peepers turned to look at him in surprise.

"Do I wish... what?"

"Do you wish it was you and Hater? Instead of her and Hater?"

"...I don't-...I don't have ANY idea of what you're talking about."
Of course he did.
He knows exactly what he's talking about.

"Don't burn the braincells you barely have thinking about things you clearly can't understand."

Wander frowned at him and turned his head to look away. It's so weird seeing Wander frown. It makes Peepers skin crawl with things like guilt. Awful. Blegh.

"Maybe."

Wander turns back towards him.
"Maybe?"

"I don't know! Maybe!"

"You maybe want to go out with-"

"Maybe! As in I. don't. know. I guess it SOUNDS appealing," Wander nodded his head, not in agreement, but to just make it clear he was listening. "I wouldn't though."

"...Why not?"

"Why not?! Are you- He's my boss!"

"And your bestfriend."

"Yeah, sure, whatever, that too. You're just proving my point."

"I don't see how it's provin' your point if those aren't really obstacles stopping you from being together."

"I don't want to go out with Hater! I don't know why you're so adamant about this!"

"You said maybe!" Wander countered.

"I know what I said!"

"And what's wrong with Hatey? He's a catch!"

"There's nothing wrong with him!"
Peepers crossed his arms and glared at him.

He felt irrationally angry at these claims, not like they were wrong, but it just felt like he had everthing he'd burried deep deep down suddenly pulled out of his brain and studied by a group of scientists with a magnifying glass.

So he did such a well thought out rational thing that normal people with nothing to hide all do.

"Oh but if you think he's such a catch then YOU date him! Since he's oh so dreamy to YOU."
Passing off the heat like it was a present in a dumb gift wrapped box. Smart. SO very smart.

Wander blinked and moved to put his hand on Peepers shoulder. He had absolutely no idea why, but he felt most of his defensiveness melt off. Mind control had to be at work here. Totally the only explanation. The only explanation he's willing to explore right now at least.

"I love Hater and all, and well I mean, I would if he ASKED...just to be nice... but that doesn't I'D ask him out... Actually to be honest? I don't think we'd ever be like that."

"No kidding. He hates you."
Peepers didn't even say that to be mean, it was just the truth. The painful, chalk biting truth that kept them constantly at odds. The truth that made SURE that whenever he set his blaster to stun during a chase... or did things considered decent for Wander of all people... or when he and Wander had their weird little talks... it made him feel dirty deep down.

"Well yeah, I guess that too."

"Too? What. Is there some other reason?" Peepers asked sarcastically.

Wander removed his hand quickly and moved his knees up to his chest as he scooted slightly away from Peepers in the booth.

Holy shit there is.

There IS another reason. There's another reason and he's not telling him!
...Should he even ask?
Does he even wanna know?...

Peepers lazily looked around the restaurant, mainly to avoid the thick tension he and Wander had just now.

Empty tables.

Empty Chairs.

The princess giving Hater a departing kiss.

Empty kitchen.

Emptier tables-

Wait. WAIT. DEPARTING KISS?! NO. NO! NO NO NO!
Peepers quickly hopped up and ran out of the restaurant, leaving Wander AND Hater behind. He pulled a walkie talkie out of his pocket. How could he have been so STUPID?! He just hoped the planets guard was still down as he began yelling into the walkie talkie orders to start the invasion.
Radio silence on the other end.
He thought his walkie must've been broken until one brave Watchdog began to speak.

"Uh sir?...There's nobody here..."

"...What?... What do you MEAN 'nobody's here'?!"

"We looked all over! The planet's completely empty!"
And it was true. After five more searches around the entire planet and a screaming match inside his own mind, Peepers came to the conclusion that the planet was COMPLETELY DESOLATE.
So they were totally punked! They knew he was gonna see through their plan and counter it with one of his own so they countered his counter with another counter! An evacuation!
He'd be impressed if he wasn't the one who took a huge loss.

He went back inside the restaurant defeated. Hater was still there, giggling with his head down on the table like some idiot. There were probably even hearts floating around his head if you looked hard enough.
Wander was gone though, meaning Sylvia probably was too.
So they knew. They knew. HE knew.

Grop.
He needs a drink.

Chapter Text

His room looked like a crime scene.

Almost everything was wrecked, half of it was broken, and there were even a few burn marks in the walls from his gun.
Not even most of his Hater memorabilia survived his rage this time. He didn't bother fixing it for now. He wasn't done yet, so there'd be no point. There wasn't a pillow he could scream into anymore, it was torn open, feathers spewed about. The remains were thrown at the wall.
He screamed anyway though. He screamed until his lungs couldn't anymore. Until his voice was hoarse. He didn't even care if any Watchdog heard him and thought he was getting murdered by a chainsaw weilding psycho. He honestly wished he was at this point.
Plus, being a sore loser in the sanctity of his bedroom?
That's his business, not theirs.

Hours later and he tired himself out, heavy breathing on...What remained of his bed.

They conquered that stupid planet anyways, but what good is a planet if there's nobody on it? It's basically useless. A waste of everyones time. The whereabouts for little miss princess diversion and her subjects were still unknown. She seemed to have managed not only ghosting Hater, but the entire empire too. He has reason to believe she's several galaxies away by now.

And Wander? He could care less about Wander. That's just what he does, it's his 'thing', his 'role', his... well his 'job' basically. Viewing it from that perspective only made the jumbled, stringy, mess of thoughts in his head worse. It meant that he couldn't even take all of his anger and blame it purely on Wander, a guy who's doing his 'job' and ACTUALLY succeeding at it. Succeeding again, and again, and again. Whereas Peepers? He fails at his. He fails again, and again and AGAIN. If anything, he was more mad at himself.

He'd rather trash hundreds of rooms on the ship than admit that out loud.

Mustering up the little bit of energy he had left, he got up from his bed and reached under it. After some digging, he pulled out a black case with gold edges. Fancy. It was marked 'only for special occasions'. Typically that would entail a celebration of some sorts. This would be the one time exception to that. He hoped it would be at least.

-

He heard his door open. It had been a few hours later when he fully calmed down. The quiet in his room felt eerie, even to himself. It was quite the story being told just from looking in alone.

He didn’t even need to look up to know it was Wander. It was obvious by now. As is routine….he likes routine.
Wander’s mouth moved to open, probably with his go to “Hiya there” or however he usually greets him. Unfortunately, Peepers was in no mood for small talk or some casual but ‘deep’ conversation.

"Did you know?"

"Pardon?"

"Did. You. Know." It was less of a question and more of a demand for an answer. An answer he already knew.

"Whaaaaat? Noooooo? Not at all!..."
A pause.
"Okay well, maybe a little..."
Wander slightly tugged his hat down a bit over his eyes. Peepers wanted him to feel as humiliated as he did. Even more so at that. That 'want' didn't feel right somehow.

"Are ya mad?..."

A little bit.

"No."

Yeah.

"...Are you sure?..."

"Yes, Wander."

...Wander slightly glanced around the room.

"...I still kinda feel like you're mad-"

"No, Wander, I'm not mad......at you at least." He muttered that last part under his breath as he took another sip of his wine.

"Do you want some?" Peepers grabbed the bottle by it's neck and shook it in Wanders direction. He knew the answer would probably be no, but it IS a common courtesy to ask anyway.

As expected, Wander politely declined. Peepers really didn't blame him for being skeptical about his anger, considering he was literally drinking on the rubble of...what used to be his room. Actually, he hadn't that bad of a spiral since Wander and his 'little talks' came along.

...And so what.
So what if he had some sort of a breakdown-tantrum out of loss.
It's not Wanders problem.
It's not Wanders business.
It's not because he took anything Wander did personally... because he didn't.

He's fine.
Wander's fine.
In two ways. No, not in two ways. A little in two ways. No, just one way. The normal way. The pretty way. Wander was a little pretty actually. No he isn't. Yes he was. What? What was he thinking about? What.

....Man what is his problem tonight....?

"I don't have problems."

"Well I mean...I never said you did."

"I know, I said I did."

"....That you have problems?"

"...What? When?"

"Uh...just now?"

"Oh. Okay."

Weirdo.

-

Wander hadn't left yet. Mostly to make sure Peepers was fine. And he WAS fine. He was BETTER than fine! He couldn't even remember what he was mad at! They should honestly find the guy who trashed his room though.

Now they were just lying on his half-a-mattress, and watching TV on a small, itty, bitty TV Wander went out and wheeled in. If Peepers had a personal TV, it'd be trashed by now. Good thing he didn't.

They were watching Andys dumb little "Watchdog show". He wouldn't remember it at all in the morning, but making fun of it now was....well... fun, he supposed. Even if any time he'd heckle or boo Andy, Wander would turn around and start defending him or his points. After a while, he sat up and looked towards him to casually announce a thought that had been wracking his mind for a bit, it formed after seeing Wander eat something from out of his hat.

"....Your- 'mmmouth' thingy is weird." He dragged out the M in 'mouthy'. Almost as if he were trying to remember that word too.

"Uh... Do ya mean my lips?..."

"Yeah that! That's what they're called. Right. They're so weird."

"How so?"

"I dunno! having- like...like holes? in your face? It's just weird."

"Well how are you drinkin' that bottle if you don't have a mouth?"

"I drink it normally."

"But how?"

"Like...like normal?"

"Your normal is different to my normal, Mister Peepers."

"I don't-...what? It's normal!"

"I couldn't imagine not havin' a mouth!"

"I could."

Without another word, he pressed his thumb to the center of Wanders lips without thinking. Actually he wasn't thinking at all really, if you cut a piece of his brain out, the slice would be filled with radio static most likely.

Wander didn't do any movement to pull away, but Peepers put his other hand on his cheek anyway... to make sure he didn't move of course.
Not really.
The underside of his hand felt like it was being dipped in a volcano.
Regardless, He absentmindedly draged his thumb down from Wanders lips to his chin... then traced all the way to his other cheek... and he just held it there.
They didn't really talk after that. Peepers just kinda stared at him. Wander stared back just as intensely.
It was only until he slightly shifted in his seat that Peepers was brought back from his little adventure into Wanders eyes.

"Hm...You wouldn't last a day as a lab rat."
Peepers moved his hands back to his sides.
How does one even come to that conclusion?

"Were you lookin' to study me?" Wander laughed at his own little joke, even if it wasn't that funny.

"Every square inch." Peepers half joked back. Would saying he gave a quick glance down be weird? If it was then he definitely didn't.

Did it get awkward? He didn’t feel awkward. He hardly felt anything at all. Did Wander look awkward? He couldn’t pin point it if he was.
In fact?

Wander gave him a look. It wasn’t a weird look. It was at first a kind of blush…then it turned to disappointment, it was bleak. It didn’t look good on him.
For once though?
Peepers had reason to believe he wasn’t fully at fault for the cause of that look. He had no reason why. Maybe he’s just avoiding blame from the drinks. He’s probably just over analyzing it. They didn’t talk too much tonight….there’s not much he wants to say. It’d be more interesting to listen. He would listen to Wander talk endlessly, if that’s what would get him to talk about what he’s already not telling him. Why does he care so much? He didn’t use to.

Lost in thought, he didn’t even realize Wander sigh and get up to turn off the TV. He tucked him in and he hardly registered it. He didn’t even realize he was losing consciousness.

In one blink, Wander was tidying up his room. In another, he was watching Wander sit at the edge of the bed and give him a ‘forehead’ kiss AGAIN.

In one last blink, he felt him intertwine their fingers together gently before he fully fell asleep.

He really has to stop falling asleep near this guy.

Chapter Text

"Hold still, sir!- Or I can't-"

"NO, IT HURTS!... DO I REALLY HAVE TO DO THIS?!..."

"You have the beer, just take another sip of that so it numbs the pain!"

"But it's the cheap watery kind! Why'd we have to get that one!"

"Because that's all we could afford after we spent our money on the advertisements!"

"Right, right....uh, for what again? I know what it's for, of course!- I just wanna see if YOU know!"

"......For our cause?....Gathering an army.....to conquer the universe?.... Like we discussed? That cause?"

"Right, yeah no, I knew that."

"Right, of course you did.....okay, anyways, just take another drink and I'll be quick about it! One minute tops!.....actually maybe thirty.....actually maybe an hour-"

There was a loud groan from the drivers seat beside him, followed by multiple whiney protests.

Peepers sighed and slumped back in his spot in the passenger seat, almost as if he were some tired parent coercing their child into eating, instead of the reality that he was some college drop-out pulling silver out of a highschool drop-out's mouth.

"...Look, sir...All the best villains are.... well- they look VILLAINOUS right?, and braces don't exactly fit that bill. I mean, who's even gonna be scared of someone that could fry their whole mouth with their own powers?!-"

He gave Peepers a sharp warning glare from the front seat, practically killing the words on his tongue as before they came out. He pushed himself to continue speaking nonetheless, this time however, more carefully.

"...Sorry, Sir, it's just...What I mean is...do you see Peri Peril, or Baron Von Bootleg- OR MAJOR THREAT wearing braces?"

"...No?"

"Right, Exactly my point! You wanna be like them!... rrriiigghhhtt?"

"Uh, yeah? Duh..."

"Good!...So if you can just hold still so I can put these wire cutters back in your mouth, then we can-"

Green sparks lit up all around him, and Peepers could feel himself losing at least 50 years off his life from the glare given to him. Seriously, he could feel it practically frying his retina.

"Okay, okay! We can go to a professional dentist, but that's definitely going to cut into our budget...."

Peepers looked over at their piggy bank that was hastily taped back together as if it had already been smashed, there being a tacky little bandaid on it since they ran out of glue and tape.
It also most likely only held about three dollars and 52 cents give or take, maybe a few buttons, and a gum wrapper....their funds were NOT looking great.

"Alright...I'll see if I can do a few odd jobs....and I'll have to work part-time somewhere, maybe pick up a night shift-"

"Great! So it all works out!"

Hater just leaned back against his seat, moving his arms behind his head, and the basically NONEXISTENT basket of any worries to the back of his mind.

It must be nice.

Peepers glared at him, although the effect wasn't quite as menacing as the formers, so ultimately it was ignored.

"...Yeah. All works out. Right."

Peepers just sighed again and leaned back in his own seat, grabbing a lukewarm beer for himself out the pack.
They apparently couldn't afford a cooler either.

He cracked it open and took a not-so-nice long sip.
Maybe Hater was right.

It... was disgusting. He took another sip.

------

Waking up and finding your entire room to be fixed, clean and even better looking than before is frankly very.....humiliating to say the least, especially with hardly any recollection of how he originally fell asleep......AGAIN.

De ja vu. Falling asleep and having a memory-dream of the past. The only change would probably be the absolute RAGING headache pounding his brain to a pulp right now.
Dried tears were also.....not very expected. Not like they haven't happened before, but he had no recollection of crying whatsoever.

When did he cry last night? If anything he probably just shut his eye too tight when sleeping and it came out. Still pretty embarrassing though. If Wander were still in the room he'd count that as the SECOND time he's cried in front of him.
Oh right....Wander DID come into his room last night. He couldn't remember much of what happened though besides blips of memory here or there.
Thinking about it too hard made his head hurt worse, so Peepers decided not to dwell on it too long. Talking to Wander always left him feeling weird, like his emotions were 'resolved' but still unresolved. He may not remember much, but he'll place it under one of their strange little talks... and maybe dissect Wander's intentions later.

Not like he ever has particularly BAD intentions. Unsurprisingly. Not to underestimate the lengths of Wanders VERY clear understanding of his own actions and effects from them of course, he's done that once before and there...is a mental note in his head to never do it again. Still, Wander is the last person he'd suspect to have a bad intention with him while he was drunk.

Right. He was... "intoxicated" last night.

And sadly, taking a sick day because of your hangover isn't very professional. Oh well, he's dealt with worse on the job. Dealing with a silly little headache wasn't even in the RUNNING for top 3 worst things to happen during work when your bosses pet from hell spits literal acid.
All thanks to Captain Tim, he can find the strength to at least get out of bed...that must be the first time a person besides Hater said that. Peepers still never really got rid of the distain for whoever was the little rat that originally let Tim on board. He suspects it was Frank. Frank is on the top of his list when it comes to there potentially being a mole among them. He doesn't like the way he says 'Hello, Sir' to him in the hall in the mornings with an overly chipper attitude....or the time when he brought only ONE box of donuts in the breakroom, announced it, then caused a sea of watchdogs to run away from their posts, all pushing and shoving eachother to get one of the twelve frosted delights for themselves.
His mole suspicions are mostly from the goodmorning thing though. He can't stand a suckup that can't suckup right.

In fact, if Frank says one word to him today, he's getting fired on the spot.

And with that, it's time to start the day, how hopeful.

He puts on one of his MANY uniforms, his helmet, and walked out of his bedroom, ready-ish to start the day.

"Hello, sir! What a good day, right?"

"You're fired, Frank." Peepers replied as he walked away grogily.

Amazing start, Peepers.

Firing one of your Watchdogs so early in the morning because you're in a pissy mood again? Boss of the year. It wasn't even the morning, it was closer to afternoon actually, now that he was awake enough to properly check the time.
He can't wait until he can take his weekly Wander break. Seriously. He needs to start coming earlier than this, it's already afternoon. Maybe he'll make an actual schedule for them to meet up ACTUALLY announced one day, with time tables and everything. Making a schedule to talk to your supposed enemy, how smart, Peepers.
Next they'll be having TEA and giggling about crushes like some highschoolers.

He shuddered at that, knowing it's not a far off future if he keeps this up. If he doesn't want to become the next Major Threat turned 'Jeff', he should probably make an attempt to end off talking casually with Wander. He'll make note to do it. Eventually.
He marched through the hallways, in a repeating walking pattern. Not loud enough to be completely threatening, but loud enough to alert slacking Watchdogs to get back to work without him having to SAY it aloud.

Threatening. Major Threat....

The guy went from most threatening villain in his galaxy to total space hippie. What a downgrade.
Speaking of him however, didn't he have a commander too? He never really saw people talk about him much. However it's the same with himself he supposed, he's usually lumped in with the other watchdogs when people mention Hater. It's never "Look out! Lord Hater, Commander Peepers, and his Watchdog army!"
it's always "Look out! It's Lord Hater and his army!"
Despite believing himself to be much better than all the other watchdogs, at the end of the day, he's still a Watchdog. You can't change what or WHO you are. He would if he could.

What a mystery. Did anybody even know Major Threats commanders name? His species? His uniform? Where was he now? Was he also reformed? Is he still doing villainy? Was he just forgotten by Major Threat after HE reformed? Tossed aside without care?

...Was he doomed to be that way to?

"Goodevening, Commander Peepers, sir!"

Of course not.

"Evening, soldier."

His soldiers know his name, and he'd made sure he was engraved in their minds, via good image or not. Likely not. Hell, he just FIRED one on the spot, no hesitation, it's obviously not a good image.

Who was he to care about some washed up forgotten old hack, who's probably out having the time of his life in retirement anyway? He strikes fear into the hearts of his army. The chances of them forgetting him? Laughably slim. He'll always be a memory, a bad one, like a villain SHOULD be, and he takes pride in that.

"Sir....May I ask you something?"

"Fine, Andy."

"Right. Uh- Some of the other watchdogs- if not...MOST of the watchdogs, have nominated ME to ask you this, I mean it was a voting kind of thing since you let me have my show and all, even to just keep from a riot, so really I shouldn't even be-"

"Out with it, Andy. I have things I need to do."

".....Sir, can we....go to the Fist-Fighter company party tonight?! I know you might count that as unloyalty, to go and fraternize with the enemy-"

He would.

"-but we've been invited, see? A-And Emperor Awesome won't even be there! It's a get together for villain henchmen! To let loose, and I understand if you're not into the whole ordeal but please-"

"Permission granted."

".......What?"

"Are you deaf? I said permission granted."

A bad memory.

Without a doubt, he's always going to be a bad memory.

...Still...

It....might be nice to be a....SLIGHTLY good memory in his soldiers minds too.

Strategy wise of course! boost morale and all that. Granting them this small freedom might make them work better.

"You're all to report back on this ship at 8:30 PM sharp, I'm leaving any stragglers behind."

Not too much freedom of course. Wander didn't rub off on him THAT much.

"8:30 curfew? Uh- That's fair? Thank you, sir! You won't regret it!"

"I better not."

"You won't! I promise!"

"Good. Now get out of my sight and go back to your post!"

Andy saluted to him and ran off down the hall to wherever. Peepers didn't really care to check if he actually went to his post, he probably went to cast the announcement they got his okay.

He scoffed to himself as he began to walk down the hallway again. 'Curfew', who was he? Their dad?

Idiots.
Every single one of them.

Idiots.
He lives on a ship with hundreds of idiots.

Idiots.
All around him, 24/7

Idiots.
He talks to idiots everyday.

"Heya, Mister Peepers!"
He likes fraternizing with this idiot the most.