Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Alright assholes, let’s see what we’ve got. Tape recorder is…recording. That’s good. Tucker has shut up for once, which is amazing. I’m pretty sure the REDs are busy with some artefact or something, you know how they ar–

Right. You don’t. Forgot about that.

So, uh, my name is Leonard Church, but most people just call me Church (aside from someone who I won’t name because he’d probably murder me in my sleep). This place is the Blood Gulch Archives. It sucks. We’re run by the Director, who felt the need to– (Door opens) –is amazing. (Nervous laugh) H-Hey Counselor.

[COUNSELOR]

Hello Alpha. I trust you are enjoying the new office?

[CHURCH]

Yeah, it’s great. You know what else is great? The door.

[COUNSELOR]

I was not aware of your fascination with doors. I shall have to note tha–

[CHURCH]

(Groaning) I was being a bitch, telling you to leave.

[COUNSELOR]

Oh. Certainly. I shall add ‘bitch’ to your file.

(Door shuts)

[CHURCH]

Oh thank God. (Hesitates) Pro tip, if you ever come here, don’t mention God. Grif and Simmons will give you an earful of existential bullshit. It’s just not worth it. If I ever have to hear the phrase ‘you ever wonder why we’re here’ again, I swear I will (Breaks off into incoherent mumbling)

(Sighs) Right…what was I doing? What was I–Oh. Right. So, the Director is an asshole, the Counselor is an asshole, the REDs - That’s Relics and Entities Division, by the way - are assholes, the other BLUEs - Bureau for Logging Unearthly Events - are assholes…except Caboose. He’s just dumb. If you’re listening to this to decide if you should get a job here, do not. Please, for your own sake. If you decide to join, that’s your own fault.

Anyway, my job is to–

[CABOOSE]

(Yelling and muffled) Church!

[CHURCH]

Oh my god! What!?

[CABOOSE]

(Muffled) Tucker did it.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

[TUCKER]

(Yelling angrily and muffled) Don’t blame me! You were the one that touched the–

[CHURCH]

(From quite far away) What the fuck!? Oh my God!? I’m…I’m–

(Footsteps, getting closer)

(Under his breath) I’m gonna kill them, I’m gonna kill them I’mgonnakillthem I’mgonnakillthem I’mgonnakillthemI’mgonnak–

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Okay, this first statement, we actually have a guy coming in. The Director has insisted that we give everyone state names, for privacy…even though their real names are on the records anyway…and they all have to sign a form agreeing to their names being (and I quote) ‘On record, saved, used, and potentially sold to aliens’. Yeah, told you this place is the worst. Anyway, I decided to give this guy the name ‘North Dakota’, because why not. 

Also, I’ve been wondering: What happens when there’s more than fifty people who have left statements? What, do we go to countries next? Or are there like twenty different North Dakotas? Eh, the Director is probably just a fucking moron, to be honest.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

(Yelling and muffled) Can I come in now?!

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) Ugh, fine!

(Footsteps, getting closer)

(Door opens)

(Door closes)

Hey man.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Uh…hi?

[CHURCH]

So, North Dakota–

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Just call me North. 

[CHURCH]

Sure. North, what is it you want to talk about, or whatever.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Don’t you care about it?

[CHURCH]

Nah, not really. Just tell me already.  

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Uhh…sure. I’m here to talk about a Coworker of mine, nice guy, if a bit…dim.

[CHURCH]

I don’t want to hear his fucking life story. Just spit it out.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

You this rude to everyone?

[CHURCH]

Yes. Don’t think you’re getting special treatment. Now, skip to the good bit. 

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Sure, sure. So, this guy just does some…weird things.

[CHURCH]

What sort of weird things?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

(Getting annoyed already) If you didn’t interrupt me every five seconds, you might know.

Okay, so, one day we had a safety drill. We all had to wear some masks, like ones that go right over the mouth. Him, me and another worker were all lined up together, waiting for instructions. He had a cup with a curly straw–

[CHURCH]

Is the straw important?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

For mocking reasons? Very. Anyway, he had this cup and just lifted it up and…drank. It was transparent, so me and the other guy could actually see the liquid leaving the cup. No, before you ask, it didn’t spill. I checked where he’d been standing. For about an hour. Nothing. Next, he just kinda moves his hand down, and the next thing I know, he’s got a banana. He then eats the banana.

[CHURCH]

Wait, wait, wait. You never said anything about him peeling it.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

I know.

[CHURCH]

That’s terrifying.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

I know.

(Pause)

And it gets worse.

[CHURCH]

(Quietly) Oh God.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Precisely. He then lowers the banana, bearing in mind that it’s half eaten, and comes back up with an apple.

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) What!? What. The. Fuck.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

He proceeds to almost bite into the apple, change his mind, and offer it to me. I (obviously) say no, so he offers some to the other guy, who also declines, being, y’know, sane. So he shrugs, says: ‘You do you’ and then eats the whole thing in one bite, stalk and all. He just consumes it.

[CHURCH]

I fucking hate this shitty job.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

(Dying inside) At least you only have to hear about it! I had to live the nightmare. And that wasn’t the only incident.

[CHURCH]

(Extremely long, pained sigh) What did they do now?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Okay, so we had a laser tag event–

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) You guys get laser tag!?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Yeah. Our boss pays for it.

[CHURCH]

I swear to God I’m gonna quit.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Can’t blame you there. Anyway, he’s on my team and–

[CHURCH]

What colour?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

(Nervous laugh) Does it matter?

[CHURCH]

(Angrily) Yes!

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Blue.

[CHURCH]

Good. Stay that way. Go on.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

And…uh…he grabbed this gun, a friend of mine got a better view of this, by the way, so you might wanna ask her, but anyway, he fired the gun and missed, hitting the floor–

[CHURCH]

(Nervous laugh) Who would miss…what a loser…am I right?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Um…and then it bounced.

[CHURCH]

What?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

The laser bounced, and hit the enemy square in the chest. Then, the guy just looks down at the gun and goes ‘What the Hell? It bounces? Who designs a gun that bounces?’ before almost getting shot himself.

[CHURCH]

Please do me a favour.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Sure.

[CHURCH]

Grab me my migraine medicine, top shelf.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Okay.

(Rustling)

Here you go.

[CHURCH]

(Deadpan) Thanks. Now leave. I have an hour of banging my head against the table and screeching to do.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

That won’t help with the migraine.

[CHURCH]

I didn’t fucking ask you, did I?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Bye! Sorry for...this.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Door shuts)

(Loud groaning and something banging against wood)

[Click]

[Click]

[GRIF]

Hey Church! Ca–

[CHURCH]

For the last time: no.

[GRIF]

Come on, you haven’t even heard my side, asshole.

[CHURCH]

I heard your fucking side, every twenty minutes for the past day. You want to be able to eat with your mandatory artifact handling helmet on, so you want me to call North back and talk to his coworker.

[GRIF]

Please?

[CHURCH]

No.

[GRIF]

I’d owe you.

[CHURCH]

You do owe me. Seven hundred and four dollars.

[GRIF]

…call it even?

[CHURCH]

If you stop bothering me, then fine. Anything to be left alone.

[GRIF]

Simmons isn’t gonna be happy. You’re delaying science.

[CHURCH]

I’m delaying your inevitable collapse on the sofa, never to move again. You should be thanking me, dick.

Oh…the recorder’s on. Fuckin’ weird. Could’ve sworn I tur–

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Second time I have to talk to strangers. Great. People are the worst. 

[CABOOSE]

(Panicked yelling) Church! I need–

(Door slams)

[CHURCH]

I take it back. People are the second worst, Caboose wins without a doubt. Anyway, this guy I’m gonna call... Washington. Sure. 

(Yelling) You can come in now Wash!

(Door opens)

(Door shuts)

(Footsteps, getting closer)

[WASHINGTON]

Wash?

[CHURCH]

I’m not gonna keep saying ‘Washington’, am I?

[WASHINGTON]

Fair enough. (Hesitantly) Do I…do I know you?

[CHURCH]

I don’t think so.

[WASHINGTON]

Huh. Might just be one of those faces…I guess. Sorry about that. 

[CHURCH]

Uh…no problem. Anyway, let’s begin. You said something about cars? Either you’re insane, or this is gonna actually be interesting (Whispered) for once.

[WASHINGTON]

Uh…yeah. (In your stereotypical movie trailer monologue voice) For a while, I thought it was just bad luck, combined with good luck, I guess, but then…he got hurt, and I couldn’t ignore it anymore.

[CHURCH]

Holy shit! Did you mean to sound so fucking dramatic?

[WASHINGTON]

Excuse me?

[CHURCH]

That sounded like the opening of a fuckin’ movie, man. What…did you practise it on the way or–

[WASHINGTON]

Believe it or not, I do have a life. I didn’t practise it, I guess it just came out weird. Can I continue?

[CHURCH]

Uhh…sure.

[WASHINGTON]

Okay, so, the first time, I was just crossing the road. This old, beat up car, a Lexus, I think, a really dingy shade of grey, with the paint peeling off, and the windows–

[CHURCH]

(Groaning) Enough useless preamble, get to the point.

[WASHINGTON]

Right, well I woke up in hospital.

[CHURCH]

(Awkward silence)

...Get back to the useless preamble.

[WASHINGTON]

Great! So the car just kinda appeared, like I swear I looked, but it was there and hit me. I woke up in the hospital, completely unharmed. No one even knew how I got there. So I just thought ‘odd’ and left.

The second time it was a ford, same colour, same age and state of disrepair. Same situation. It happened pretty much like that for the next couple of times.

[CHURCH]

Hold on, how many times were you hit?

[WASHINGTON]

(Perfectly calmly) Seven.

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) What!? And you didn’t think that was suspicious!?

[WASHINGTON]

(Deadpan) I mean, I thought someone was out to kill me, not that I was being haunted by Kasper the unfriendly ghost car. 

Anyway, the two most…interesting times were: When I was in a supermarket, buying groceries, and a car came barreling through the wall and hit me and–

[CHURCH]

I’m sorry…what!? A car…broke into a supermarket…just to try and kill you. (Voice rising) How!? Why!?

[WASHINGTON]

(In an inhumanly dramatic way) I don’t have the answers, that’s why I’m here.

[CHURCH]

My God, did you watch a dozen crappy action movie trailers before coming here?

[WASHINGTON]

Uh…no? Anway, the most recent one is why I’ve actually come here. Me and my roommate were driving, and by that, I mean he was. I don’t drive. Too worried about what might…happen. So he was driving down the street, can’t remember where we were going, when I saw another one of those cars. I pointed it out to him, and he clearly saw it. Unsurprisingly, he swerved to avoid it.

Just as he turned, I got a good look inside the car at the driver. 

Nothing. There was nothing there.

[CHURCH]

So a haunted car then.

[WASHINGTON]

I mean, either that or a sentient car.

[CHURCH]

Okay, I’m gonna go talk to someone I know about that later. If he’s done it I swear– (Breaks off into incoherent mumbling)

[WASHINGTON]

You want to hear the rest of my story?

[CHURCH]

Alright, I guess.

[WASHINGTON]

Our car hit a shop and exploded.

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) What!?

[WASHINGTON]

Yeah...Exploded. And I was fine. My roommate, however…well, he’s not– (Softly) He can’t talk anymore. He was lucky to be alive.

[CHURCH]

Ouch. That sounds rough.

[WASHINGTON]

You think?

[CHURCH]

Hey! Being the snarky one is my job! Get back into your lane, Mr Dramatic as Shit.

[WASHINGTON]

(Deadpan) In my experience, shit isn’t that dramatic, but okay then.

Anyway, I obviously went to the hospital with him, being a part of the explosion and all, and there was a whole investigation but…

[CHURCH]

But what?

[WASHINGTON]

In all the security tapes, and according to all the eyewitnesses, I was never in the car.

[CHURCH]

Of course it couldn’t be easy. Of-fuckin-course. 

(Sighs) Okay then. Well, nice hearing from you, now get the fuck out.

[WASHINGTON]

Oookay then. Uh…bye, Church.

[CHURCH]

Bye!

[WASHINGTON]

(Under his breath) That was the worst interview ever. Of all time.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Door shuts)

[CHURCH]

Weirdo. No way to verify any of what he said, I guess, short of asking his roommate…who’s name I never got.

Holy shit, I’m gonna be fired from here before I get the chance to quit

(Long pause)

…Wait a second. I never told him my name. What the fuck!?

[Click]

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Hey Sarge.

[SARGE]

Ugh. If it isn’t a dirty BLUE. And not just any blue! The leader! BLUE numero uno! The big, rather mouldy, cheese. The ultimate dirtbag.

(Shotgun cocks)

[CHURCH]

Oh my fuc– (Yelling) Is that a fucking shotgun!? Sarge! What the fuck!?

[SARGE]

Best BLUE repellant. Works almost every time.

[CHURCH]

Look you psychopath, I just need to know if you’ve made any sentient, and murderous, cars lately.

[SARGE]

Sentient cars? Great Shakespeare’s shiny head! Son, I’d never do that! Cars are so boring. I want a jeep, or I don’t want any vehicle at all.

[CHURCH]

…jeeps are cars, Sarge.

[SARGE]

Oh. Well…I still would never make one.

Also, you might wanna go talk to Caboose.

[CHURCH]

Why?

[SARGE]

He’s…uh…asking for a ‘Mr Washingtub’.

[CHURCH]

Oh for fu–Wait. This thing is on. Huh?

[SARGE]

Dirty BLUE, always recording everything. Can’t seem to stop–

[CHURCH]

Sarge, I didn’t do this. Son of a bitch, he’s li–

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Ugh. I hate this, so, so much. (Yelling) Sarge, you and your demon-child-robot thing can come in!

[LOPEZ]

That's rude.

[CHURCH]

What!? I don’t speak…robot.

[SARGE]

He’s Spanish, son. This is Lopez.

[LOPEZ]

Hello, moron.

[CHURCH]

Uh...hi? Ya know what, screw the preamble. Just…tell me and get out.

[SARGE]

Alrighty then. So, I was in Grif’s basement–

[CHURCH]

I’m sorry… (Yelling) What!? What…what were you doing there?!

[SARGE]

I was conducting a top-secret reconnaissance mission to gather intel on the enemy. A true leader needs to be everywhere at once, keeping an eye on the troops and making sure everything runs smoothly - Not that you’d know a lot about being a good leader, you dirtbag - Grif's basement just happened to be the perfect spot for my tactical observations.

[CHURCH]

…uh huh. You sure you weren’t there to commit a murder?

[SARGE]

Kill Grif? Nonsense! Why would I waste my time on that lazy, orange moron? I was simply monitoring his activities to ensure he wasn't jeopardising the mission with his incompetence. Now, if I were planning to eliminate someone, I'd come up with a much grander and diabolical scheme, not some half-baked basement hiding nonsense! You've got to think big!

[CHURCH]

And what mission would that be…exactly?

[SARGE]

(A very, very long pause) Classified information, private! I can't just spill the beans on our top-secret missions. Let's just say we're on a mission to save the universe, defeat the enemy, and uphold the honour of the RED Team! The specifics are on a need-to-know basis, and right now, you don't need to know.

[CHURCH]

I’m not a private! I’m not even a fucking soldier! For the love of God, neither are you! Now. Get. To. The. Fucking. Point.

[SARGE]

Fine, fine, you damn dirty BLUE. So, I found this minfiguremajigy, and touched it–

[CHURCH]

Why?! Why the fuck would you do that!? Hasn’t your job taught you anything!?

[LOPEZ]

Because he's an idiot.

[SARGE]

You might not understand the complexities of military strategy, but sometimes a good leader has to take risks for the sake of the mission! I didn't touch that mysterious figurine out of curiosity, I did it as part of a carefully calculated plan to gain the upper hand against our enemies. You can't win a war by sitting around and playing it safe, you gotta take bold actions!

[CHURCH]

(Demonically screeching) We’re not at war! We’ve never been at war!

(Silence)

Ya know what, fine. Fine. Can we just get back on topic…please.

[SARGE]

Fine, fine. Back to business. So, it started glowing, like some torch…or Grif, that time I lit him on fire!

[LOPEZ]

When did you light Grif on fire!?

[SARGE]

I know Lopez, lazy moron deserved more than just that.

[LOPEZ]

(Annoyed) Stop pretending you understand me, you piece of shit!

[SARGE]

(Actually somewhat tearfully) Yeah, I love you too, Lopez. 

[CHURCH]

When did you–Never mind. Go on.

[SARGE]

And then the thing grew, turns out it was a cloning device that also made robots. Some random artefact Grif found and stole, I guess, being the shithead he is.

I called it Lopez, legally adopted it, and here we are.

[CHURCH]

Back up a second, you legally adopted a robot clone of you…and people were okay with that!? (Under his breath) This country is shit.

So, why Spanish?

[LOPEZ]

You can change the language settings by pressing the button labeled 'language settings', idiot.

[SARGE]

Now’s not the time for jokes, Lopez! And to answer your question, I don’t know! He’s a magic robot, how am I meant to understand any of it!?

[CHURCH]

Ugh. Just. Leave. Now.

[SARGE]

Okie dokey, you damn– (Breaks off into incoherent mumbling)

[LOPEZ]

Please, save me!

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Door opens)

(Door slams)

[CHURCH]

Oh thank fucking God he’s gone. I swear, if any of those morons try to come back, I’m letting Tucker deal with it.

You can’t tell by the recording, but he had his shotgun out the whole time and would periodically point it at my face. 

I hate my coworkers, so, so much.

[Click]

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Hey Tucker! You know how you’ve always wanted to do some recording with people.

[TUCKER]

Hot chicks, dude. I specifically said hot chicks.

[CHURCH]

Well…you’ll need to work your way up to that, this job isn’t as easy as it seems. 

[TUCKER]

What the fuck!? All you do is stand around and talk!

[CHURCH]

Ya know what, handle my next one, and I’ll consider it!

[TUCKER]

Fuck yeah! Sure! Who’s the next person?

[CHURCH]

Simmons.

[TUCKER]

(Pained pause long enough for TUCKER to reevaluate all his life choices)

(Sighs)

It’s worth the sacrifice.

[CHURCH]

Okay then, sure, you do you. (Whispered) Oh thank God Tucker’s an idiot. 

Vacation, Hell yeah!

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[TUCKER]

Well, here it is! Finally, Church has stopped being an asshole, and let me do something cool! No more am I reading boring reports! Now, I get to talk to actual human beings! Hot chicks! Hell yeah!

(Pause)

Well, to be fair, it is Simmons I’m talking to. Yeah, I take it back. Church is an asshole.

[SIMMONS]

Hey, rude!

[TUCKER]

It’s true though. Now tell me what’s going on, and get out.

[SIMMONS]

Fine, fine. So, you know Grif.

[TUCKER]

Oh right, your husband.

[SIMMONS]

(Frantically) No! Not my- 

Anyway, I’m getting worried about him.

[TUCKER]

And you felt the need to come here to talk about it? Just go to a couple’s counselor, like a normal person. Idiot.

[SIMMONS]

(Angrily) We’re not da–ugh. Basically, we were handling some Greek artefact. Since we had it, Grif hasn't stopped eating. It has these carvings on it, that looked ominous beyond belief. I read this Greek myth and–

[TUCKER]

(Groaning) Oh my God this is way more painful than I thought. (Deadpan) I regret everything.

[SIMMONS]

There was this guy called ‘Erysichthon’, who got cursed by Demeter to always be hungry, and I’m worried that it’s the same circumstance.

[TUCKER]

Well…uh…how did this Eru–Erysith–Fucking whatever, what did he do?

[SIMMONS]

Died of hunger.

[TUCKER]

There you go, problem solved.

[SIMMONS]

(Monotone) Yeah, for Sarge.

[TUCKER]

And the rest of us.

[SIMMONS]

I’m serious Tucker, I’m genuinely worried about him!

[TUCKER]

(Sarcastically) Well, if you’re genuinely worried for him, then that changes everything.

[SIMMONS]

Jackass.

[TUCKER]

Hey! My job is just to record these things, not to help you pathetic weaklings out.

[SIMMONS]

C’mon, it’s Grif. Please! I can’t lose him. 

[TUCKER]

Fine, fine. Get him in here.

[SIMMONS]

(Yelling) Grif! There’s pizza in here!

[GRIF]

(Yelling) What! Pizza!

(Frantic running)
(Door slams open)

(Sounding like he’s been betrayed and is now scarred for life) What the fuck. There’s no pizza here. Simmons, you monster.

[SIMMONS]

This is an intervention, Grif. Now shut up and start talking.

[GRIF]

I…can only do one of those things, man.

[SIMMONS]

…fuck.

[TUCKER]

When was the last time you ate?

[GRIF]

The fuck would I know?

[TUCKER]

Just guess.

[GRIF]

Uh…twenty minutes.

[TUCKER]

And the time before that?

[GRIF]

I dunno, an hour?

[TUCKER]

Okay. Have you stopped feeling hungry at all since two weeks ago?

[GRIF]

What the–is this about that Greek thing?

[TUCKER]

You know about that?

[GRIF]

Only because Simmons wouldn’t shut up about it. I swear, if I have to hear about Erysichthon one more time…

[TUCKER]

(Sounding like he’s about to either scream, commit a felony, or both) Simmons?

[SIMMONS]

Ye–yeah, I may have mentioned it, but–

[GRIF]

(Yelling) The artefact had nothing to do with Demeter! It was showing Kronos eating his kids!

[TUCKER]

…how do you even know that?

[GRIF]

(Still yelling) Sarge literally said it! Ten times!

[SIMMONS]

I know that, but–

[TUCKER]

(Sounding like he’s decided on the felony) Get. Out.

[GRIF]

But–

[TUCKER]

(Yelling) Oh my God! Leave! Leave!

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Quiet arguing like a long married couple, fading away)

(Door slams)

Church, if you’re listening to this, you’re a fucking asshole, and I hope you die painfully.

[Click]

[Click]

[CHURCH]

So, how was your first time with people?

[TUCKER]

(Dead inside) I hate you.

[CHURCH]

(Laughing) That’ll teach you for trying to steal my job, bitch.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Alright, now that Tucker’s stopped whining about how he was ‘traumatised’, I’ve got yet another person coming in. He’s gonna be New York, but imma just call him York, because fuck that.

Okay, you can come in now!

[NEW YORK]

Well, hello the–

[CHURCH]

(Panicked yelling) Oh my fucking God! Your–

[NEW YORK]

Eye? Yep, that’s why I’m here.

[CHURCH]

(Still panicked and yelling) Get an eyepatch, you sociopath!

[NEW YORK]

Bit rude. Anyway, I might as well not, as you’d have to take a look at it.

[CHURCH]

(Now absolutely sounding like he could collapse at any second) No! I don’t! I just record shit! I didn’t have to see that !

[NEW YORK]

Ah. Awkward.

(Extremely casually) Well, you’ve seen it now, so no point in hiding it.

[CHURCH]

(Either deadpan, dead inside, or a bit of both) I’ll never unsee it.

I think you broke the record for breaking me. Whoopde-fucking-do. Now talk, and get that thing away.

[NEW YORK]

Okay then, sure.

Well, I was going for a walk, as you do, when I saw something moving in the dumpster. I was with a couple of friends at the time, who were both just like ‘eh who cares’ and left. Meanwhile, I was worried that it was an animal or…something, so I went to check it out.

The other two left, and I walked over to it, and lifted up the lid. Inside was this old…y’know those ‘mad scientist kits’ that kids get, that’s literally just some goop and that’s it?

[CHURCH]

Yeah…I guess.

[NEW YORK]

Well, it looked like the contents of one of those, all spilled over the rubbish.

[CHURCH]

Gross.

[NEW YORK]

Yep. At that point, I was worried about whatever animal might be in there, so I went to stick my hand in, reluctantly, mind you. The whole time I was calling ‘here kitty, kitty’, so I probably looked insane. To be fair, normally I wouldn’t bother, but one of my friends (allegedly) was in a car accident, and his roommate got really hurt in it, and I know he likes cats, so I was gon–

[CHURCH]

Hold on a second, that friend, has he been here before?

[NEW YORK]

I think so…Washington? Right?

[CHURCH]

Yeah. Can you send the asshole a message from me?

[NEW YORK]

Sure.

[CHURCH]

We’ve started referring to him as ‘Washingtub.’ Also Tucker might have a thing for him, I don’t know.

[NEW YORK]

…sure.

[CHURCH]

Anyway, go on.

[NEW YORK]

Uh…so that goop…probably not from a kids’ toy. If so, then I’m worried about the state of this country.

[CHURCH]

How– (Deadpan) It became sentient, climbed up your arm, and ripped out your eye, didn’t it?

[NEW YORK]

…yeah.

Also, some of it is still there. That’s the pink stuff.

[CHURCH]

…oh my fucking God, that’s horrifying.

For the record, the eye looks like it’s been ripped out, kinda lazily, with some pink slime or goop kinda…there. 

[NEW YORK]

Who’re you talking to?

[CHURCH]

The tape person.

[NEW YORK]

Tape…person? Wait! We’re being recorded!?

[CHURCH]

(More confused than CABOOSE) You…you didn’t know?

[NEW YORK]

(Angrily) No! They never told me that !

[CHURCH]

Well…that’s concerning. I’ll…uh…I’ll look into that

Thanks for…coming in.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Door opens)

(Door slams)

(Under his breath) I might quit…or call the police…or both.

[Click]

[Click]

[COUNSELOR]

Alpha.

[CHURCH]

Yes…Counselor?

[COUNSELOR]

I listened to the tape of your latest interview. 

[CHURCH]

Then you know that I’m considering quitting right here and now.

[COUNSELOR]

Yes, and that is an…unfortunate decision. 

[CHURCH]

(Sounding like he is moments away from committing homicide) Unfortunate? Fucking unfortunate!? That’s all you have to say!? I’m gonna call the fucking police, you monotone robot bastard!

[COUNSELOR]

I’m afraid you won’t be doing that.

[CHURCH]

What? Why? What, you gonna kill me or something, because someone will do something! I swear–

[DIRECTOR]

Alpha.

[CHURCH]

(Sounding like he’s had an existential crisis, and is now attempting to explain his new beliefs to his very concerned friends) The–the Director?! Holy shit, I’m actually gonna die, aren’t I?!

[DIRECTOR]

Counselor, leave us.

[COUNSELOR]

…but sir–

[DIRECTOR]

Shut up, Counselor. Now go.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

Now, Alpha. I never wanted to have to do this, but sometimes, you have to make a sacrifice. 

[CHURCH]

(Nervously) S–sacrifice? What…what the fuck are you talking about?

[DIRECTOR]

Split personalities are rather difficult to produce…artificially, but not impossible. But that’s not what I’m interested in. My idea is to find a way to split them from their host body, to create a new person, essentially. And I think I’ve found a new subject. 

[CHURCH]

(Somehow absolutely terrified and deadpan at the same time) Oh fuck, oh shit, oh– (Breaks off into desperate yelling)

[DIRECTOR]

A pity. Farewell, Alpha.

[Click]

[Click]

[TUCKER]

…hey Church. You alright?

[CHURCH]

Yeah…why?

[TUCKER]

No one’s seen you in six days.

[CHURCH]

(Very unconvincing) I…uh…was ill.

[TUCKER]

Are you sure you’re okay?

[CHURCH]

Yeah.

[TUCKER]

Okay, well…I’ll see you later?

[CHURCH]

Okay. 

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Footsteps, getting closer)

[TUCKER]

Caboose?

[CABOOSE]

I’m worried about Church.

[TUCKER]

…we all are, buddy.

(Sighs) 

We all are.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

(Voice is a cross between high as Hell and a chronic insomniac) Uh…hey there. I’m…um…okay, never mind. I’ve just gotta…I’ve just gotta record this with…um…Texas. Yeah, Texas. That was what he called her…right? Yeah. T–Texas, you can come–

[TEXAS]

Oh my God, you look terrible. 

[CHURCH]

(Ya know what, you’ve all seen that season 10 episode. You know how he sounds) Yeah…I’m just…really…tired?

[TEXAS]

Yeah. I can tell.

[CHURCH]

I’m…uh–

[TEXAS]

You’re Church.

[CHURCH]

Yeah. And you’re–

[TEXAS]

Tex.

[CHURCH]

(Chuckles) Fu–funny name for a girl.

[TEXAS]

Well, Church is a funny name for a guy.

[CHURCH]

I guess. So, yo–you were here to…uh–

[TEXAS]

I’m here to give a statement. Remember?

[CHURCH]

Ri–right. Sorry, I’m just…

[TEXAS]

Tired?

[CHURCH]

Yeah. So–sorry. Go ahead.

[TEXAS]

Okay, if you’re sure. 

So, a while ago, I was walking past a building, this building, actually. I saw this old man, glasses, practically glowing green eyes, beard, all that. He looked like a class-A cockbite.

[CHURCH]

(Quiet Laughter)

(Awkward pause)

…sorry.

[TEXAS]

Nah, it’s fine. Anyway, he stops me, like a creep. (CHURCH keeps laughing) He calls me ‘Allison’, which isn’t even close to my name, so I just shrug it off, call him a ‘Fucking shithead’, and walk away. He tries to stop me again, and I start running, and thanks to his old-man physique ( CHURCH may or may not be actively dying of laughter now) he gives up real quick. 

So, I go home and forget about it. I mean, can you blame me? I just assumed he was insane.

[CHURCH]

(Through the laughter) I–I could see that.

[TEXAS]

Then, that night I had some…strange dreams. A guy, sounding and looking exactly like him, but less…old and withered ( CHURCH is definitely actively dying) kept telling me to not leave. I actually looked and sounded like me, which was a bit…odd. He also was calling me ‘Allison’. Again, odd. The worst part? He was fucking hot. If he weren’t such an old bastard in real life (CHURCH will be missed) then I would actually have a thing for him. Gross, I know.

Now, every damn night, I have dreams of that old fuck and his wife - I’m guessing, though I have no idea how the hell he managed to convince someone to marry him. (CHURCH’S funeral is in two weeks) It sucks. 

[CHURCH]

(Finally stopping his laughter) Oh…any idea on–uh…

Sorry, I don’t…I don’t know what–

[TEXAS]

It’s fine, really. Don’t worry about it.

So, uh, is this it?

[CHURCH]

Ye–yeah, I think.

[TEXAS]

Well then, here’s my number, and I’ll see you in four hours at the McDonald’s down the street.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Door shuts)

(Extremely long silence)

[CHURCH]

(Absolutely disbelieving) Di–did I just get–a…a date!? Oh my fucking God!

[Click]

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Tucker, you’re not…you’re not gonna believe it!

[TUCKER]

(Genuinely concerned) Church! Are you okay!?

[CHURCH]

I–I got a date.

[TUCKER]

(All concern has instantly evaporated) I’m sorry… (Yelling) what!?

How…how the fuck?!

[CHURCH]

Th–that girl that was just here–

[TUCKER]

The hot blonde?

[CHURCH]

Yeah. She ju–just gave me her num–number…and…

(Silence)

[TUCKER]

You good?

[CHURCH]

Sorry, I’m just–

[TUCKER]

(Sighs) Tired, yeah, I know.

Well, have fun, I guess.

[CHURCH]

I–I will. Bye.

[TUCKER]

Bye!

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Footsteps, getting closer)

[CABOOSE]

(Excitedly) Church is Church again!

[TUCKER]

He does seem a bit better.

[CABOOSE]

Yay! I get my best friend back!

[TUCKER]

I’d give him a bit of space, while he…comes back.

[CABOOSE]

Aww. Okay then. If it helps him. And if you say he’s my best friend! Not yours!

[TUCKER]

Fine, Church is your best friend.

Wait…is that a recorder?

Fu–

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Tucker…wh–what the heck are you doing?

[TUCKER]

Demanding answers.

[CHURCH]

(Panicked) I–I don’t think th–that’s a go–

[TUCKER]

About you and that chick yesterday.

[CHURCH]

…oh. T–that. Right.

[TUCKER]

Now, c’mon. The others are waiting.

[Click]

[Click]

[CABOOSE]

(Yelling, as per usual) Church! Hello! (Voice going strangely ominous, well, as ominous as CABOOSE can be) You’ve replaced me.

[TUCKER]

(Clearly having had this conversation many, many times) He hasn’t replaced you. Now, let him talk.

[CHURCH]

Do–does everyone have to be here?

[SARGE]

Wow BLUE, you sound–Ow! Simmons, stop elbowing me!

[GRIF]

Sarge. Shut. Up.

[SARGE]

Why–oh. Right.

[LOPEZ]

Idiot.

[DONUT]

God, your complexion is awful! You can borrow some of–

[SARGE]

Donut!

[CHURCH]

Ser–seriously. Why’re the R–REDs here?

[TUCKER]

Partially because they were in the room when I mentioned this to Caboose, and partially because they want to remorselessly tease you.

[DONUT]

Besides, I have some great relationship advice that’ll blow you.

[TUCKER]

(Quietly) Bow chicka bow wow.

[SIMMONS]

Donut! Please!

[DONUT]

…what did I do?

[SARGE]

Enough yapping, you overpaid morons, do it on your own time! 

[CABOOSE]

Aww…I liked the yapping.

(Whispered) What’s yapping?

[GRIF]

Did anyone bring snacks?

[SIMMONS]

(Pained and resigned) Yes Grif, I brought snacks. But only to stop you from complaining the whole time, fatass.

[GRIF]

Sure thing, suck up.

[TUCKER]

Glad couples counselling is going well. Anyway, we’re not here for your weird marriage, we’re here for Church’s.

[CHURCH]

Bu–but I’m not married…yet.

[DONUT]

(Over the top excitedly) Oh my God! He said yet! He’s in (Cringily drawn out) looovvvveeee!

[LOPEZ]

For the record, I hate this.

[DONUT]

I know Lopez, it’s so cute!

[CHURCH]

Ugh. Fine. We we–went to McDonald’s. I–it was nice.

(Long silence)

What?

[SARGE]

(Yelling) Nice!? Did you say it was nice, son!?

[CHURCH]

Y–yeah. Why?

[TUCKER]

You? Saying someone’s nice? Oh my God, you actually love her!

[CABOOSE]

I thought he thought I was nice. 

[TUCKER]

No Caboose, he constantly insults you. That means he likes you as a friend.

[CHURCH]

You don’t all t–think that, right?

[TUCKER]

What, the Caboose thing, or the insult thing?

[CHURCH]

Insult.

[LOPEZ]

Yes.

[GRIF, DONUT & SIMMONS]

Yep.

[SARGE & TUCKER]

Definitely.

[CHURCH]

Assholes.

(Another silence)

What?

[TUCKER]

Nothing, it’s just…you sound a bit–

[SIMMONS]

Better?

[TUCKER]

Yeah, better.

[CHURCH]

W–what the fuck is that meant to mean?

[GRIF]

(With his mouth full) Just shut up and tell us about her already, before I run out of snacks.

[SIMMONS]

(In agony) How!? I gave you so many!?

[GRIF]

(With his mouth full) To quote Sarge: Life finds a way.

[CHURCH]

Uh…sh–she’s a badass. A je–dick came over and tried to fl–flirt with her, he barely finished the first sentence, and was on the floor with a broken arm. I–I’m pretty sure the FBI are after her.

[SARGE]

Sounds like we’d get along, with that in common.

[GRIF]

What the fuck?

[CABOOSE]

Oh! Mr Sergeant! That means we’d be great friends!

[SIMMONS]

What. The. Fuck.

[CABOOSE]

It was a misunderstanding. I didn’t mean to, but he was just in the way.

[TUCKER]

(Yelling) What! The! Fuck!

[CHURCH]

She also drives a motorcycle.

[DONUT]

Did you ride her?

[LOPEZ]

I hate you all.

[DONUT]

That’s not nice, Lopez.

[LOPEZ]

(Panicked) Oh God, he's bilingual.

[SARGE]

You speak Spanish?

[DONUT]

Sometimes. On a Tuesday.

[CABOOSE]

…neat.

[CHURCH]

(Annoyed) Yeah, fuck this, I’m out.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

[TUCKER]

Thanks, guys. I…I think we’ve helped.

[GRIF]

I hadn’t heard him swear or insult anyone in a week. I was getting worried.

[SIMMONS]

I’d say, he’s about 52% recovered right now.

[GRIF]

No one cares, nerd.

[TUCKER]

Nah, that actually helps a bit.

Okay, so now all we need is to find a way to figure out what happened to him.

[CABOOSE]

I know someone in the AIC

[SARGE]

AIC, son?

[TUCKER]

…CIA?

[CABOOSE]

Yeah, that’s it.

[GRIF]

How!?

[TUCKER]

(Desperately) Don’t answer that!

Anyway, anyone got any ideas on how to find out what happened?

[LOPEZ]

We can always bring the guy Church was talking to here and see if he knows anything.

[DONUT]

Lopez! (Condescendingly) You can’t threaten him! He’s our friend!

[SARGE]

He’s a dirty BLUE!

[DONUT]

A friendly BLUE.

[SARGE]

No BLUE is a friendly BLUE.

[SIMMONS]

I know! We could always get the guy Church was talking to back here and see if he knows anything.

[SARGE]

Great idea Simmons! Lopez, why can’t you come up with good ones!?

[LOPEZ]

Oh. My. God.

[TUCKER]

Alright then, we have a plan. Any guesses on what happened, for betting purposes?

[GRIF]

He fell down the stairs and hit his head.

[SARGE]

Boring!

[GRIF]

…and then got body swapped with a demon, hellbent on taking over the Archives?

[SARGE]

Better.

[DONUT]

I think he got boned.

[SIMMONS]

We all know you mean something else by that, so just tell us.

[DONUT]

He broke his leg.

[CABOOSE]

(Voice returning to ominousness) Well, I think he got taken by the Director and experimented on, and then split into multiple personalities or fragments that are now around the city, all attaching to people who have visited us.

(Long silence)

What?

[GRIF]

That’s dumb.

[SIMMONS]

Yeah…no. Leave the theories to us.

[SARGE]

That’s just absurd.

[TUCKER]

Uh…my brain is dying now, so leave. Good-fucking-bye.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[TUCKER]

Okay, so, it’s me today. Between me and Tex - mostly Tex, to be fair - we managed to convince Church to take a few days off. Hoping it’ll help, but who knows honestly. Anway, that means I’m taking this interview, and, get this, (Excitedly) it’s a chick! Finally! Amazing, right. Because I’m the person doing this, I get to give her a name, so I’m going with Carolina! It sounds hot.

Alright, Carolina, come in!

[CAROLINA]

I’m already hating this.

[TUCKER]

Good, that means you’re getting the full ‘Church’ experience.

So, what’re you here to talk about?

[CAROLINA]

My father was always rather hard on–

[TUCKER]

Bow chicka bow wow.

[CAROLINA]

…what?

[TUCKER]

Never mind, go on.

[CAROLINA]

Hard on me, and so I’m competitive…or so I’ve been told. My friends–

[TUCKER]

Any boyfriends?

[CAROLINA]

(Snappily) That’s none of your business.

[TUCKER]

(Under his breath) …well, that wasn’t a yes.

[CAROLINA]

(Through gritted teeth) You’re testing my patience. 

(Silence)

Anyway, my friends and I were just playing a game, not a competitive one, mind you. I turned, and on the wall behind us was a leaderboard. I was second, not first. Never first.

Obviously, I pointed it out to the others, but they didn’t see it. They were all looking at me like I was insane. All of them, except (Full of contempt) her .

I never had much of a problem with her before all this, but that day, something snapped. I knew that she was better than me at things, I’m not blind, but seeing it there, on the wall, with her barely reacting to it, well, I needed to win.

I began playing dirty–

[TUCKER]

Bow chicka bow–woah! Is that a gun!?

[CAROLINA]

I don’t like flirting morons. 

Anyway, I began aiming for her , not giving a fuck about my teammates. I honestly forgot everything in that moment. I only wanted to win. I only wanted to beat her .

We lost. In the end, we lost. Some of my teammates turned against me. The leaderboard kept changing, people moving up and down, but we always stayed the same. Things always stayed the same for us . 

And i t wasn’t just that time. Every single time since, there it was. And. I. Just. Can’t. Win.

[TUCKER]

Okay, so basically, you’re insane, and extremely competitive to a painful degree. Got it.

[CAROLINA]

(Pistol cocks) Liste– (Another pistol cocks)

[WASHINGTON]

(Sounding genuinely curious) Am I interrupting something?

[TUCKER]

Hey! You’re that guy that came in earlier! Please don’t let her kill me!

[WASHINGTON]

Uh…why’re you pointing a gun at him?

[CAROLINA]

Dav–

[WASHINGTON]

(Quickly) They use fake names here. Just…uh…call me Wash.

[CAROLINA]

Why’re you doing this?

[WASHINGTON]

Half because I got confused and showed up an hour early to my statement, and half because you’re pointing a gun at some random guy, which is a bit of a dick move, if I’m being honest.

So…please stop.

[CAROLINA]

But, he was–

[WASHINGTON]

Yeah, I’m sure he was being an asshole, they all are.

[TUCKER]

Hey! Rude!

(Silence)

Okay, fine, we all suck.

[WASHINGTON]

But trying to shoot him? Because he was being a pain? I mean, I know you have a short fuse, but damn. 

[CAROLINA]

You’re trying to shoot me!

[WASHINGTON]

No, I’m threatening you. Believe it or not, there is a difference. Now, just leave. Please. You know York wouldn’t be happy if you get arrested.

(Very loud footsteps, getting farther away)

You alright?

[TUCKER]

Did…did you just save my life.

[WASHINGTON]

Apparently so.

[TUCKER]

Why do you even have a gun?

[WASHINGTON]

(Deadpan) America.

[TUCKER]

Uh…well, thanks, for…y’know.

[WASHINGTON]

No problem. I’m gonna go and come back later, I guess. Give you some time.

[TUCKER]

…bye.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

[Click]

[Click]

[TUCKER]

We have a problem.

[SIMMONS]

What’s up?

[TUCKER]

Remember that guy that came in a while ago? The one that the Counselor was asking questions about?

[SIMMONS]

Washington, right?

[TUCKER]

Yeah. He’s come back, and just saved my life.

[SIMMONS]

What’s the problem then?

[TUCKER]

Well if the Counselor finds out–

[SIMMONS]

Shit.

Uh…delete the tapes. Say they got lost.

[TUCKER]

He’d know, right? I mean, I might get fired, then I wouldn’t be able to protect anyone.

I mean, I could just give him my number and tell him that we’re doing the interviews somewhere else. That might work.

[SIMMONS]

I mean, they’d know about him coming in for the next one, so give him your number at the end, just in case he needs to give another statement, or, y’know…

[TUCKER]

Yeah. That’ll work. Thanks.

[SIMMONS]

Sure.

[TUCKER]

Also, please don’t tell anyone, even Grif. We can’t risk–

[SIMMONS]

Can’t risk them finding out. Right. Well, see ya.

(Footsteps, getting farther away and then abruptly stopping)

Wait! Is that–

[TUCKER]

A recorder. Fuck.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[TUCKER]

Okay, so, Wash is back. This tape is being recorded about two hours after the shitshow that was the last one, because Wash respects how much that bullshit sucked, and I mean–ugh. Church never told me how fucking hard this is. To be fair, I doubt he’s nearly got murdered throughout thi–

Never mind. Pretty sure the last few tapes actually–

Sorry. Sorry. I’m not great at this, and am still a bit freaked out, after almost dying and all that. Well…let’s just get him in here.

(Yelling) Wash!

[WASHINGTON]

(Footsteps, getting closer)

(Door opens)

Hey, y’know we don’t have to do this today, right? If you–

[TUCKER]

(Shortly) I’m fine. Let’s just begin.

[WASHINGTON]

Alright, if you’re sure. 

Well, I’m here about Georgia.

[TUCKER]

…as in, the state?

[WASHINGTON]

No, as in the guy that came in here about a year ago. 

[TUCKER]

Oh… (Awkwardly) I wasn’t working here then. 

[WASHINGTON]

Yeah, I didn’t think so. Georgia was a…friend, let’s say. One day, he just vanished, it was deemed an unsolvable case by the police, and we never found out what happened, but lately, my friends have been acting a bit…odd–

[TUCKER]

Like that Carolina chick?

[WASHINGTON]

No…well, yeah, but no. They keep mentioning him, simply saying ‘you don’t want to end up like Georgia.’

They’re not even using his real name, which was how I figured out that he came here. They’d never joke about this, I mean, he’s literally dead, and now they’re bringing it up like it’s a fucking joke? That’s just not…not–

[TUCKER]

Right?

[WASHINGTON]

(Sighs) Yeah, right. It just doesn’t sit right with me.

[TUCKER]

I mean, that’s not surprising, the guy fucking died, and they’re kidding about it? Definitely something going on there.

[WASHINGTON]

I know, and it’s even stranger, because it’s only certain people doing it. I spent a while trying to figure out a link, and then it clicked after…Carolina.

The second we left, she made a Georgia joke. She’d never made one up until this point. 

(In a voice that makes him sound like he's a goddamn detective in a cringy old show) It’s people who’ve been here. Who’ve given statements. That’s the link, the key.

And it gets worse. They’re all…acting off.

[TUCKER]

More off than Carolina?

[WASHINGTON]

Nah, that was actually pretty average for her. I mean, my roommate - who I’ve actually convinced to write a statement about this - keeps looking over my shoulder, like there’s something…there. He also, according to the others, can still talk, which is odd, given how fucked up he was after the crash.

[TUCKER]

Crash?

[WASHINGTON]

Oh, right. I talked to the other guy about that. Speaking of, where is he?

[TUCKER]

(Shortly) Ill.

[WASHINGTON]

Okay then.

…So, I’ve seen pretty much all of them talking to…well, I don’t know. Something. 

[TUCKER]

(Sarcastically) Wow! Something!? Oh my God, you’ve cracked this case wide open! 

[WASHINGTON]

(Somehow even more sarcastically) Well, I guess when your friends are going insane around you, you don’t spend as much time around them, but maybe that’s just me being unreasonable. 

(Sighs)

Look, can…uh, can you find the files on Georgia for me? I just really, really need to know.

[TUCKER]

(Monotone) That’s against corporate policy, I’m afraid.

[WASHINGTON]

Are you alright? You’re acting weir–

[Click]

[Click]

[SIMMONS]

Did you do it?

[TUCKER]

Yep! He has my number, and now might be able to find out what the fuck happened to Georgia.

[SIMMONS]

Great! And he wasn’t suspicious?

[TUCKER]

Kinda, but I just brushed it off. I think he’s convinced. 

[SIMMONS]

Okay then, that’s good. I guess we can stop panicking now.

[TUCKER]

…yeah. Right.

(Quietly) I hope so.

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Okay, I know I shouldn’t have this, let alone be recording with it, but I just need to…I need to get my thoughts down somewhere. All of this…it’s, well…

(Chuckles) Well, I've fucked up already.

I’m just gonna start over.

(Monotone) Journal entry: One.

I’ve got in contact with the members of the Blood Gulch Archives. I have the number of one of them, which definitely helps matters, but if I’m going to figure out how and why I recognize them, it’s gonna take more than just that. 

When Tucker grabbed me the Georgia files, I took a few others as well. Don’t worry, I’m planning on returning them. Anyway, it all sounds so…familiar. York losing his eye? Carolina being obsessed with a leaderboard? Hell, even the fucking Spanish robot thing with Sarge feels familiar. 

The weirdest one, for me, was North’s. I know that the guy in it isn’t me. I’m pretty sure I’d remember absorbing an apple, or banana, but it just…it felt like he was talking about me. 

I…I’ve been having dreams for a while now. They all have me wearing this yellow and grey (or sometimes yellow and blue) armour. It feels like a crappy sci-fi movie, but I have my voice, and I’m acting like how I did…before…well, y’know. 

In one of them, I clearly remember a guy who looked like York, and another like North, who were talking, and I…I had that cup, and that banana, and an apple. I managed to eat with my helmet on.

That was before I read the statement.

There’s something going on here. 

I remembered all my friends before I even met them, but under different names. But now, they’re using the names I remembered. York is York now, and North is North. It’s…it’s odd, but I passed it off. I mean, how the heck can I explain this to them? (Laughs) ‘Oh hey there! I’m pretty sure that we knew each other in another life, where we responded to the names of states!’ I’m sure that would go down well.

That being said, I think I’ve written or said ‘Wash’ rather than ‘David’ when asked my name so many times now that it can’t be a coincidence. And now, I recognise all the REDs and BLUEs . I think I accidentally called Church his name before he told it to me, but I’m hoping he’s too dumb to notice. He was pretty dumb before…I think.

So, to try and figure out what the fuck is happening, I’ve placed a bug in the Archive statement room. It’s probably my best bet.

I just hope that it won’t blow up in my face.

Logging off.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[TUCKER]

Well, today I’ve got some asshole who couldn’t come, so he wrote a fucking essay for me to read. Wow. Thanks. This guy I’m gonna call Maine, because I’ve never been to Maine and have absolutely no intentions to go there.

In other, better news, Church is back tomorrow! So no more having to do… this . Don’t get me wrong, I kinda like this, but I only really wanted it to pick up chicks, and the only chick I’ve seen so far pulled a gun on me.

So yeah, back to only written statements from now on. At least the written statements won’t almost kill me. Ugh. Anyway, let’s just go.

[TUCKER (STATEMENT)]

I don’t really know how to start this, honestly. My roommate, D–

[TUCKER]

(Quickly) Washington. Yeah, Washington. His real name isn’t on this, nope. Not at all.

[TUCKER (STATEMENT)]

–left a statement about this a while ago. We got into a car accident, and I lost my voice. Somehow, he was fine, and no one even remembered him being in the car, which was…odd, I guess.

This is quite hard to write, as I never really talked before any of that, and now I have to write a fucking essay to people I don’t even know, purely because D–Wash said that they might be able to help. 

So, I left the hospital, with a diagnosis. My throat was absolutely fucked. No scientific way for it to get better, and no real way for me to talk, aside from grunts. Honestly, not the greatest. Luckily, a few of my friends know how to understand those grunts, so that’s something.

Anyway, first meeting with people. S–

[TUCKER]

Ugh. Why does he keep putting the real nam–

(Hastily) I mean–he doesn’t, because if he did I would say them (Nervous laughter) .

[TUCKER (STATEMENT)]

York threw a party at the MOI, a bar we all go to. They were all there, and…well, I kept thinking of things I wanted to say, and they kept…hearing them.

[TUCKER]

Man, that just sounds like talking. Typical. Another weirdo then, I guess. (Under his breath) Always the fucking written statements. 

[TUCKER (STATEMENT)]

I know, it sounds like I was just talking.

[TUCKER]

Yeah, no shit.

[TUCKER (STATEMENT)]

But the voice wasn’t mine. Besides, I have literal proof that I can’t talk. I’ve attached the hospital record to this, actually, if you want to have a look. Also some photos.

[TUCKER]

It says ‘don’t be sick’, which is crossed out, and next to it is: ‘Actually, I’m not there, feel free to puke. I’m not your dad.’ (Sarcastically) Wow. Thanks, Maine. Here I was thinking that it was my father, writing this from beyond the fucking grave.

Okay, looking at the files and–

(Gagging) 

(Yelling) Oh my God! What the fu– (Incoherent, very scared sounding rambling that goes on for about a minute)

(Sound of someone puking)

(Sounding like he was that someone) Okay…no more doubting…I-ugh. I’m just gonna car–carry on, I guess.

[TUCKER (STATEMENT)]

(Still mildly shakily) So, yeah. Either everyone else is collectively going insane, or something weird is happening. I’ve been having headaches a lot too, lately, which sucks. (Duh) I haven’t been able to talk to the voice yet, but I’m hoping I’ll find out what it wants soon. Best case is that you people figure something out, but judging by what Wash said about you, that’s not gonna happen.

[TUCKER]

Rude! 

[TUCKER (STATEMENT)]

So, my only real option here is to try and deal with it by myself. So, if I don’t make it, this is why. Because I have an asshole living rent free in my head, like some crappy text-to-speech generator. 

[TUCKER]

At the bottom of the page, in a really, really small font are the words ‘Why is this my life?’, which I relate to on a very deep level.

(Barely loud enough to be heard) …Why even is this my life?

Anyway, I’ll get the REDs on this, because I’m too lazy. Luckily for them, Maine included a list of his (and everyone who heard the voice)’s names and numbers. Strangely, Wash’s isn’t on there, so uh…that might be something.

Okay, well, bye, and don’t forget to like and subscribe.

(Quietly) Who says this can’t be a bit fun?

[Click]

[Click]

[CHURCH]

(Strangely excitedly) Miss me, assholes?!

[CABOOSE]

(Not very strangely excitedly) Church! You’re back! Now we can have sleepovers again!

[CHURCH]

What the–Caboose, we never did that before I left. And it’ll. Never. Happen.

[CABOOSE]

Yay! Church is being mean! That means he’s okay!

[TUCKER]

Caboose, fuck off and let me talk to him.

[CABOOSE]

Aww…but–

[TUCKER]

The REDs have cookies.

(Frantic running)

That should buy us a few hours, as Donut’s probably gonna bake them when Caboose asks.

[CHURCH]

Absolutely nothing’s changed, has it?

[TUCKER]

Nope, not at all.

[CHURCH]

Great, so I still work in a shithole, surrounded by a bunch of losers. Amazing. Fucking brilliant.

[TUCKER]

Also, your job is hard, dude. I’m not doing it again.

(Awkward silence)

(Hesitantly) I–I’m glad you’re back.

[CHURCH]

(Kinda deadpan) Okay, what’ve you done that you want me to take the blame for now?

[TUCKER]

(Defensively) Nothing, I’m serious!

[CHURCH]

(Laughs)

(Sarcastically) Sure thing. I toottalllly trust you.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

[TUCKER]

(Sighs) Well, he seems okay. I guess.

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Journal entry: Thirteen.

So, Maine is still acting off, and now I know that he’s got a voice in his head. 

(Sarcastically) Lucky me, I guess. 

I’m gonna have to break into the fucking Archives to see if I can find anything to help. To be fair, it’s worth it, but still, it sucks. I’m just glad that I actually know what’s going on. You never know, I might actually be able to save him this time. (Mirthless laugh)

In other news, I’ve had yet another car accident. Yep. Now we’re on eight. It was…actually quite fun, if I’m being honest. I…uh–I managed to jump on the car. Yep, right on the windshield. It felt like a fucking action movie. I broke it, and jumped in, before yanking the keys outta the ignition. The car stopped, and because I didn’t get hit, nothing reset, so now I’m that maniac on the news who jumped a car rather than getting out of the way.

I…I’m honestly not sure how to say this part, but when the car stopped, I decided to open the trunk and take a look inside, maybe to see if there was anything that could tell me why this was happening, and there was–

(Sighs) There was a helmet in there. It was the same colour as the car, grey with yellow details. It looked like something out of a sci-fi movie, reminds me of the ones in the...the dreams. I grabbed it and took it home. I’m gonna take a look at it, see if I can figure anything out, but for now, it makes a pretty neat decoration.

I’m also considering getting a cat, so there’s that.

Well, logging off, I guess.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Well, I’m back! I know, I know, you’re all really glad because listening to Tucker talk is a fate worse than death. I would know. So, today we have– (Deadpan) oh fuck. 

Alright, so, this guy is apparently really weird. Pretty sure Tucker took his statement last time, but I remember being told to stay away from him.

Eh, who cares? Might as well just let him talk. Well, ladies and gentlemen, here is: New York!

[NEW YORK]

Hey Church!

[CHURCH]

How the fuck do you know my name?! I never said it.

[NEW YORK]

Uh…because you took my statement before?

[CHURCH]

Sure thing, man. Sure. Thing. (Under his breath) Great, another crazy.

[NEW YORK]

So…I’m here because– (Whispered) No! Shut up, D! I’m busy.

[CHURCH]

…you good?

[NEW YORK]

(Clears his throat) Yeah. I’m fine. That is actually what I’m here about.

[CHURCH]

What, you going fucking insane?

[NEW YORK]

I mean…yeah, I guess. Basically, you know Alexa and Siri and all those?

[CHURCH]

Dumb AI?

[NEW YORK]

…what?

[CHURCH]

(Clearly confused) Honestly, I have no clue. But yeah, the AI that tell you shit, right?

[NEW YORK]

Yeah. Basically, I’ve got one of those living rent-free in my head right now.

[???]

That is quite rude. Just because I am similar to those things, it does not mean I am one. You are about as active as your average boulder, but I do not call you one.

[CHURCH]

(Screams)

[NEW YORK]

Also, he’s a dick.

[CHURCH]

(Very, very panicked) That’s a fucking ghost! It’s my first day back in this shitty job and I have to deal with a fucking green ghost in my office! Oh my–

[???]

Actually, I am not a ghost. I am a fragment of the personality of a human called ‘Alpha’.

[NEW YORK]

Delta, manners. Can’t you just…be normal for a bit?

[DELTA]

My normal and your normal are drastically different, York. I do not stare at photos of your girlfriend for hours on end and wonder where your relationship went wrong.

[CHURCH]

Oh my God! I want one…for Tucker. The insults! (Starts channeling his inner movie villain, and laughs maniacally) I want to be able to destroy him!

[NEW YORK]

Yeah, yeah. Delta sucks. I know, trust me, I do. So, I want to know…why.

[DELTA]

I am sure I could work it out without assistance. Also, I would rather not be taken from you.

[CHURCH]

I–Alright, leprechaun. Do you remember anything aside from the word ‘Alpha’? Also, why did you call him Delta, rather than Beta?

[DELTA]

I am not a leprechaun. While I am green in co–

[NEW YORK]

He doesn’t remember anything, and I called him Delta because of the Alpha thing. Also, he reminds me of a friend of mine, who’s name starts with ‘D’. In the way that they’re both dicks.

[CHURCH]

Honestly, fair enough. If I had a whiny bitch in my head, I’d call it…what’s the–uh…’T’ one?

[DELTA]

I believe you are referring to ‘Theta’.

[CHURCH]

Yeah, that’s it. So…no clues how this happened?

[NEW YORK]

Nope. 

[CHURCH]

Well, I  don’t know how the fuck you fix it, so…good luck, I guess. Bye bye, now!

[DELTA]

He does not want to deal with us anymore. 

[NEW YORK]

(Under his breath) Yeah, I noticed.

Before we go–

[CHURCH]

Oh shit.

[NEW YORK]

I’m glad you’re alright.

[CHURCH]

Uh…okay then. 

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Door shuts)

[CHURCH]

Weirdo.

[Click]

[Click]

[DONUT]

Hey, Church!

[CHURCH]

Whatever it is, no.

[DONUT]

I have a friend–

[CHURCH]

No.

[DONUT]

Who needs a job and I wa–

[CHURCH]

No.

[DONUT]

–s thinking that he could be he–

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) La la la, not listening.

[DONUT]

–lpful at filling some holes here.

[CHURCH]

Okay…I heard that. Who is he, and which side would he be on?

[DONUT]

His name is Frank Dufrense, and he’s a medic, so I guess he could make out with both of us.

[CHURCH]

I…I know I’m gonna regret asking this, but ‘make out’?

[DONUT]

Y’know.

[CHURCH]

I don–yeah, fuck this. Fine, bring him in. Just don’t talk to me for the rest of the day.

[Click]

[Click]

[TUCKER]

Hey there, York!

[NEW YORK]

Yeah?

[TUCKER]

Can you tell me what happened last time you were here, because–

[NEW YORK]

The guy didn’t recognise me.

[TUCKER]

Huh?

[DELTA]

He is saying that the person taking his statement was the same as last time, however, he acted like he did not know York.

[TUCKER]

(Deadpan) There’s a green ghost next to you.

[NEW YORK]

Look, I’ve got a lot of shit going on, the green ghost only being responsible for about half of it, so what’s this about.

[TUCKER]

Like I said, what happened before. Church’s been acting weird ever since, and I need to know what happened.

[NEW YORK]

He found out that I didn’t know the meetings were being recorded, and then told me to leave. He seemed really rattled though.

[TUCKER]

Alright, thanks. Sorry to bother you.

(Under his breath) Church what the fuck have you gotten yourself into?

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Journal entry: One-Seven.

I’ve decided to open it with the individual digits, because it sounds a bit more professional. So, since the last entry, I’ve broken into the archives. They should really hire security. 

Honestly, it was disappointing. I didn’t find a damn thing. I’m gonna try my best to help Maine, bu-but I just don’t know how.

In other news, I–

[???]

(Sounding like he needs better network connection) – an you–me?

[WASHINGTON]

…what the fuck?

Hello? Anyone there?

[???]

–ello? I–

[WASHINGTON]

Ohhkaay then. I’ve…uh…either I’m going insane, or I’m being haunted. Great, just perfect. Can you hear me?

(Silence)

Huh. Well, goodbye, I guess.

[???]

Do–say go–bye.

[WASHINGTON]

…I hate goodbyes.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

So, to get Donut to shut the fuck up and leave me alone, I promised to talk to his friend. I already know I’m gonna regret this. Ugh, still, might as well just get it over with. 

(Door opens)

(Footsteps, getting closer)

[???]

Hey! Church, right? Donut told me so much about you all! I ca–

[CHURCH]

For the record, I don’t want to be doing this. Just give me the bare basics and get out, alright? This isn’t even a part of my fucking job, man. 

[???]

Oh–okay then. Well, I’m a medic, my name is DuFrense and–

[CHURCH]

No way. I’m not gonna call you that. If you stay here, you’re gonna be called Doc, alright?

[DOC]

Okay, but I don’t think it’ll stick. Besides, I’m a medic, not a doctor.

[CHURCH]

What’s the difference?

[DOC]

A doctor has a PHD. I just have a first aid kit and some magic powers, and call myself a medic.

[CHURCH]

Hold up, what the fuck?

[DOC]

Yeah, I know. PHDs are just a pain to get.

[CHURCH]

(Yelling in a very high-pitched way) Not that! The magic thing!

[DOC]

Ohh, right. Yeah, I have magic powers. You have any injuries so I can prove it?

[CHURCH]

How the fuck do you know Donut? (Hastily) Actually, I don’t wanna know. Just…ugh. I have a cut on my arm, I guess.

[DOC]

(Hesitantly) …that’s an oddly…well placed cut.

[CHURCH]

Huh?

[DOC]

It looks like a surgical incision. Are you…okay?

[CHURCH]

(Stuttering) I’m fine, and you’re crazy. It–I’m fine, alright? Shut the fuck up and prove that you have magic powers.

(Pause)

Okay, what the fuck? How the–

[DOC]

Am I hired?

[CHURCH]

…yeah, I guess. You could come in handy.

[DOC]

Neat! That’s amazing! Thank you so much! I’m not gonna die on the streets!

[CHURCH]

O–okay, but, do me a favour.

[DOC]

Sure, anything!

[CHURCH]

Don’t mention the cut to anyone. 

[DOC]

(Clearly concerned)…alright. Well, I’ll see you later.

[Click]

[Click]

[TUCKER]

Alright, I’ve spoken to York, and–

[GRIF]

Who the fuck is York?

[TUCKER]

The guy Church talked to before…everything.

[CABOOSE]

He gave me a cookie.

[TUCKER]

Caboose…you’ve never met him.

[CABOOSE]

Oh, right. That must’ve been you guys.

[SIMMONS]

None of us have ever, or will ever, give you a cookie.

[CABOOSE]

That better change.

[SARGE]

Son, are you–

[TUCKER]

Look, we can deal with Caboose’s bullshit later. The guy said that Church found out the people in statements didn’t know they were being recorded.

[DONUT]

They don’t!? That’s awful! You should always ask for permission before videotaping someone!

[LOPEZ]

Oh God.

[SIMMONS]

Wait…that’s illegal. They literally can’t do that.

[TUCKER]

I know, but the problem is that if they don’t get convicted…well, whoever reports them, and testifies will probably end up like Church did.

[GRIF]

Shit.

[TUCKER]

Shit indeed. We need enough evidence to prove without a doubt that the Director is fucking evil. 

That means, we’re gonna have to bring recorders around, record everything in this office, in case we can use it later in court. Obviously, I know you all give permission, and I’ll talk to Church about it, but anyone else we see, we need to ask first, okay? We don’t wanna be the bad guys here.

Don’t ask the fucking Director or Counselor either, by the way.

[SARGE]

(Sarcastically) You don’t say.

[TUCKER]

I was talking to Caboose.

[SIMMONS]

Oh, that makes sense. 

[TUCKER]

Alright, do you all understand what we’re doing here?

[EVERYONE ELSE]

Yep!

[TUCKER]

Okay, let me know if you find anything.

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Journal entry: Two-Two.

I honestly don’t know where to start right now. I…I guess I should begin with the more…normal part. 

Sean made a song for Jen, and called it, get this, ‘Come On Carolina’. It goes like this: (Starts humming the tune to ‘Come On Carolina’)

(Very badly singing) Come on, Carolina. Have fun, Carolina. You're always being such a bitch.

The fact that he’s calling her ‘Carolina’ is concerning, to say the least. Also, there are some…weird lines. ‘But you won't leave the training room floor’ for one. ‘But you're obsessed with your leaderboard, baby’ and ‘I know you're dying to rip that Tex to pieces’ as well. I…uh–I don’t know how to react to that, to be honest. 

On the bright side, he has some actually normal lines, like: ‘Why do you make it so hard for me to love you? I'm gonna do what it takes. But could you stop kicking me?’

Eh, I’m never gonna find out, am I?

Now, onto the interesting part. If you remember, from entry one-seven, there was a…voice. I’ve started calling it Epsilon, because York called his Delta. I’ve concluded that it’s coming from the helmet, so I’m recording this because…I’m gonna put it on.

If I die, at least people will know why.

(Sighs) There’s no real way to prepare for this, I guess. This is the worst idea ever. Of all time. 

(A long pause)

[EPSILON]

Hello? Can you hear me?

(Panicked) Oh shit, he’s not moving! Wake up! No way! I’m not being responsible for this again! Wash! Wake the fuck up you lazy bitch! Wash! 

(Groaning)

Oh thank God, he’s alive. Wait, can the thing hear me? Can–can you hear me? Okay, when Wash wakes up, he’s gonna listen to this. That means I can actually explain shit. 

So, things aren’t great, to be honest. I’m the memories of that moron who took your statement. The Director tortured him to make me and the other fragments, pretty sure your friends are being followed by them. 

The Archives are fucking corrupt, and I think that Maine is gonna die, because Sigma’s an asshole. On top of all that, someone is definitely out to kill you, which is what the whole car thing is about. I…I can’t really say much more, in case anyone hears, but for the record, I’m sorry…about everything.

Bye Wash.

[NEW YORK]

(Muffled) Dave? You there? Matt said he hasn’t heard from you in ages!

(Long pause)

Okay, I’m coming in.

(Door opens)

(Yelling) David! Oh my God! D, check for–

[DELTA]

He is alive, just unconscious.

[NEW YORK]

(Sighs) Oh, thank fucking God. What’s that helmet? Can we get it off?

[DELTA]

It is made of a titanium alloy, and is Mark VI Mjolnir armour, favoured by the UNSC. You can get it off.

[NEW YORK]

You should’ve just–ugh. Okay, it’s off. What should I do now?

[DELTA]

Most humans will shake someone unconscious or scream to wake them up–

[NEW YORK]

(Screams, very, very loudly)

[DELTA]

–But those humans would be incorrect. The best way to revive someone potentially comatose would be with CPR.

[NEW YORK]

…fuck you.

Oh, he’s woken up. Knew the screaming would work. Hey, David, you with me?

[WASHINGTON]

(Quietly) Well, that didn’t go well.

[EPSILON]

–orry. I di–

[NEW YORK]

(Screams again) Oh my God! What was that!?

[DELTA]

I do not know. It could be dangerous.

[WASHINGTON]

(Awkward pause)

(Sighs) I guess I have some explaining to do.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Alright, so today we have someone who has never actually visited us before, but apparently her brother has. The brother was called ‘North Dakota’, so she’s gonna be…(Sarcastically) West Virginia.

(Yelling) Alright, South Dakota, come in.

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

I can already tell this is gonna be a fucking waste of time.

[CHURCH]

(Sarcastically) Yeah, nice to meet you too. 

So, what’re you here to whine about?

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

My brother–

[CHURCH]

Shit, family trouble. This isn’t therapy!

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

–has a neon ghost child.

[CHURCH]

…oh. Oh…so…wanna talk about it?

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

(Also sarcastically) No, I came here to sit in silence and let my brother adopt a fucking ghost.

[CHURCH]

I’d rather you just left instead of doing that.

(A pause)

So…ghost child. Neon ghost child?

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

Yeah, for ages, I knew he was hiding something, he kept locking his door, would always make me knock before coming in, all that bullshit. One time, I decided to listen outside his door, and heard him talking to someone, but I just assumed he was fucking…York.

[CHURCH]

Wait, you know York?

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

Yeah, he’s a loser.

[CHURCH]

And a creep. He knew my name even though I’d literally never met him. 

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

I only hang around him because I can’t be bothered to go anywhere else. 

Anyway, he went out to the shops for ages, and was hiding what he brought back, so naturally I had to look. It was full of kid stuff. Fucking kid stuff. He doesn’t have a child, none of his friends have children. When I asked what the fuck he was doing, he got all defensive.

[CHURCH]

(This is becoming a war to see who can be the biggest sarcastic asshole at this point) Wow. It’s almost like he didn’t want you to go rifling through his private possessions.

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

(The sarcasm war continues) Yeah, he’s really unreasonable. 

The final fucking straw was when he let York into his room. I stopped and listened by the door.

[CHURCH]

(CHURCH is probably winning said war) As all sane people do.

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

(Annoyed) Fuck off. 

Anyway, I heard four voices rather than two. Obviously, two of them were North and York, while the others were–one sounded almost robot. Pretty sure York kept calling him ‘D’. The other one was a child. A fucking child. I was seriously worried that they’d kidnapped some random little shit. 

After about an hour, York left, and North locked the door behind him. I stayed listening, and the robot guy was gone too. But the kid was still there. I heard North calling the kid ‘Theta’. Weird name for a kid.

[CHURCH]

(Under his breath) Of fucking course they’re connected. 

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

Huh?

[CHURCH]

York came in here about his own glowing fucker. Called it Delta. So, we have Delta and Theta now. If there are 24 of those things, I swear–

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

Can we get back to the neon child now?

[CHURCH]

(Sounding absolutely done with this shitshow of a job) Sure, sure.

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

So, I broke down North’s door.

[CHURCH]

What. The. Fuck.

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

And there was a kid's bed next to his, and lying in it was a fucking red and blue glowing five year old. North was reading it a story.

[CHURCH]

…sure. Why not?

So, what happened?

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

He moved out, and is now fucking Da–

[CHURCH]

No real names. I think you mean Wash.

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

…Wash,  and Maine, I think,’s roommate. Literally haven’t talked to him since.

[CHURCH]

Great, so a family has been broken by a glowing child. This is my job. This. Is. My. Job.

[SOUTH DAKOTA]

Okay, I think I’ve broken your brain enough for one day. I’m gonna leave you with the mental scar of my fucked up family. Bye.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

(Door shuts)

[Click]

[Click]

[TUCKER]

(Sighs) Church has got me to follow up on a statement, so now I have to call some random guy and ask him about a neon child. I’ll take it over having to sort through old records, like Caboose, any day.

(Phone rings)

Hello, is this…North Dakota?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Uh…I guess. Who the Hell are you?

[TUCKER]

I’m Tucker from the Blood Gulch Archives, and I’ve got some questions. By the way, this call is being recorded.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

If you’re working with that orange guy who wants the contact info of that guy from my work, please fuck off.

[TUCKER]

No, I’ve actually got some questions about… (Sighs) Your ‘crazy neon ghost child’.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

(Very obviously lying his ass off) W–what? Neon g–ghost?

[TUCKER]

Dude, we’re not gonna take it away, I just have some…prewritten questions, from Church, the head asshole.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

…fine. Fine. What’re the questions?

[TUCKER]

Number one is just ‘why the fuck is this my job?’ scrawled over and over. I don’t think you need to answer that. Two is…when did the child start appearing?

[NORTH DAKOTA]

‘Bout a week ago. Also he has a name.

[TUCKER]

Yeah, but if that name is actually Theta, like Church said, then you really need to get better at naming children.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

…because you have a lot of experience in that area?

[TUCKER]

Yeah actually, I have a son, Junior, and he’s fucking awesome! I mean, most people get freaked out when they find out I gave birth to him even though I’m a dude and have always been, but–

(Hang up noise)

Oh thank God. I thought he’d never hang up. 

(Yelling) Church, he hung up!

[CHURCH]

(From another room) Fuck!

[TUCKER]

(Yelling) Yeah! Can I go now?!

[CHURCH]

(From another room) Go help Caboose!

[TUCKER]

(Under his breath) Church, I fucking hate you.

[CHURCH]

(From another room) I know!

[TUCKER]

(Yelling) How the actual fuck did you hear that?!

[CHURCH]

(From another room) I didn’t! I just knew that you’d be cursing me out! It’s all you ever fucking do!

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Journal entry: Two-Three.

So, I’m alive, which is good. Also, I now know to not put on the helmet…I think. 

That’s not really why I’m recording this. First off, I listened to the last recording, and Epsilon…if you can hear me, I would appreciate some more details, please.

(Silence)

(Sighs) I guess not. Typical.

I’ve told York and North about Epsilon, because both of them have one too. I mean, York has been pretty obvious, but I wouldn’t’ve guessed about Theta if North hadn't have told me. Strangely, I’m the only one with a…friend that can’t properly talk to me. I’m gonna find a way, though. I’m also the only person that has found a link between all the people.

Thanks to Epsilon, I now know that Maine is also having…this. He said that Sigma is gonna kill Maine, so I’m going to see if I can get some more info outta him. The link is that we’ve all been to the Archives, as Maine visited a year ago over...well, I don't know, honestly. Epsilon specifically mentioned them, so they have to be important. I know that Tex and Carolina have also been, so I’m gonna keep an eye on them. 

I think I’ve gotta go talk to Tucker about all this, he, at the very least, has access to the Archives, so while there might not be anything interesting in there at the moment, he can keep an eye out. 

On top of all this, Epsilon’s confirmed that, yes, someone’s trying to kill me. I’m assuming that he’s the one that was stopping me from getting hurt all those times, so I’ve actually gotta look out now.

On the bright side, I remember listening to a log where Church says that he knows someone that’s great with tech…Sarge, I think. So, I’m gonna track him down and ask him to fix the helmet. I’m just hoping that he’ll say yes. 

In the meantime, I’m gonna take a look at it myself, and see if I can figure anything out. 

This is Agent Washington, logging off.

(Under his breath) Agent? What the fuck?

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CABOOSE]

Church has let me do something fun! It’s because I’m his best friend and not Tucker! He’s told me to talk to the people and do…something. (Yelling) Awesome!

(Door opens)

(Footsteps, getting closer)

Griff with two ‘f’s! Maroon guy who’s name I forgot!

[SIMMONS]

Church you fucking asshole.

[GRIF]

(Angrily yelling) It. Is. One. F.

[CABOOSE]

Okay yellow man. Please start…

[SIMMONS]

Start? Start what? You trailed off.

[GRIF]

(Already resigned to this horrible fate) Simmons, there’s no point. 

[SIMMONS]

(Sighs) Yeah, you’re right. 

So…as you might know, I am…not fully…human.

[CABOOSE]

(Very sincerely) Yes. You are half duck.

[SIMMONS]

…what? No! I’m a cyborg.

[CABOOSE]

Duck cybo–cryob…whatever you just said.

[SIMMONS]

(Angry already) No. Duck. I am half robot. I literally have no–Grif, help me out here.

[GRIF]

(Mockingly) But Simmons, I always thought you were half duck. Are you telling me that I’ve been lied to?

[SIMMONS]

Go fuck yourself.

Anyway, I’m half robot, and Grif is half me.

[CABOOSE]

Because you complete each other.

[GRIF]

(Incredulously) …did Caboose just make a ‘you two are fucking’ joke? Now I’ve seen everything. 

[SIMMONS]

Can we please get back on topic?

(Silence)

Thank you.

So…Sarge found a crap ton of robot parts, magic ones, obviously.

[GRIF]

Because he can just never find regular ones, can he?

[SIMMONS]

And wanted to make one of us a cyborg, because he…he’s an incredibly wise leader who–

[GRIF]

Fuck off man. It was a dumbass decision and you know it. 

[SIMMONS]

As our superior officer, I believe that he has a plan for ever–

[CABOOSE]

Oh! You think he’s your best friend too! Church keeps telling me that he (Somehow doing a pretty good impression of CHURCH) ‘fucking hates me’, but I know that’s just him acting. 

[SIMMONS]

…did Caboose just swear?

[GRIF]

I’m too fucking tired to care.

[SIMMONS]

Alright then.

So, I told Sarge that I didn’t want to be a cyborg, but then Grif got kinda…messed up.

[GRIF]

It was all Tucker’s fault. He and Simmons ran into the Archives, by one of those shelves with all the tapes, talking about…something. I still want to know what that’s about, by the way. I was…ya know what? I can’t be bothered to come up with an excuse. I was napping under the shelf. 

Tucker came over and took a tape off, and the fucking shelf collapsed. It literally nearly crushed me to death.

[SIMMONS]

And then Grif woke up in the hospital with half of my organs. Sarge should not be allowed to do surgery. Any time anyone says the words ‘kill Grif’–

(Gun cocks)

(Gunshot)

[GRIF]

(Yells in pain)

[SIMMONS]

That happens. His foot is covered in holes that no one’s bothered to deal with. 

[TUCKER]

(Extremely muffled) I know a lot about filling holes! Bow chicka bow wow!

[SIMMONS]

(Yelling) Fuck off, Tucker!

Anyway, Sarge decided that Grif could use my organs, while I got robot ones.

[CABOOSE]

That’s dumb.

[SIMMONS]

I’m sure Sarge had his–

[GRIF]

(Still obviously in pain) Simmons, Caboose just called it dumb. Caboose. I really don’t think you can defend Sarge this time.

[SIMMONS]

Fine.

So, yeah, that’s our story. I now can’t go to the store without being praised for my cosplay and half a dozen people asking to take a photo with me. Being popular isn’t as much fun as the kids at my school made it seem.

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Hey, Sarge…right?

[SARGE]

What do you want, BLUE? Also, I’m recording this.

[WASHINGTON]

(WASHINGTON just sounds really confused from this point onwards) Uh…I’m not a BLUE, I don’t even work here. And why’re you recording it?

[SARGE]

(Angrily, and deliberately ignoring the second question) You don’t think I know a BLUE when I see one!?

(Shotgun cocks)

[WASHINGTON]

Alright…that’s a bit of an overreaction. Could you…not?

[SARGE]

Tell me what you want. Reconnaissance? Collecting intel for the enemy? 

[WASHINGTON]

…what enemy?

[SARGE]

(Yelling) You know! Because you’re one of them!

[WASHINGTON]

(Sighs, and stops sounding confused, just done with life) Okay, this isn’t getting anywhere. I have this helmet thing. It’s not working. Can you fix it?

[SARGE]

(Proudly) Of course I can! Give it here, son!

(Long pause)

…I have no idea what in Sam Hell this is.

[WASHINGTON]

(Under his breath) Shit. 

Okay, I’ll take it back, thanks for–

[SARGE]

I said I don’t know what it is! Not that I can’t fix it! Give me a day.

[WASHINGTON]

Only a day? Alright, well…thanks, Sarge.

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Journal entry: Three-One.

I have managed to convince Sarge to take a look at my–I mean…the helmet. I’ve been slipping a lot more lately, especially around the others. It’s been a lot more confusing since I put the helmet on. I mean, it feels like I have two different people’s memories at once.

I wrote that my date of birth was ‘17th of May, 2539’ once. What the actual fuck?

So, yeah, things aren’t great right now. On top of that, the others are worrying me. I know that North and South are having issues because of Theta. Something’s up with Carolina, she won’t stop glaring at Tex. 

But they’re not my main problem.

I’ve now heard ‘Maine’s’ voice. It doesn’t sound a thing like him. He keeps grabbing his head, and I’m really worried. Epsilon said he was gonna die, and while I don’t normally trust voices coming out of strange items I find in the trunks of cars that almost kill me, for some reason, I do trust him. 

I’ve got to do something, but I don’t know how to help. Luckily, with North here, we can keep an eye on him.

Speaking of the Dakotas…I had another dream.

I killed South in it.

I can’t tell North, I mean, how would I put it? ‘Oh yeah, so you know I’ve been having dreams that might be premonitions of the future or something from a past life? Well I had one where I murdered your sister in cold blood after some small green guy that I’m pretty sure is Delta told me that she killed you.’ Wow. What a great way to get yourself put in an asylum. 

So, yeah. I’m on my own with all that. Actually, if Epsilon is what I think, then I might not be. But, I’m gonna have to wait.

For now, I just hope I don’t have any more slip ups…in public, at least.

(Sighs) Agent Washington, logging off.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

(Near constant yelling in the background) Okay, what the fuck’s going on out there?

(Yelling) Keep it down, assholes!

(Yelling continues)

For fuck’s sake. Ugh, I’m gonna have to go stop whoever’s gonna kill someone else…I guess. I mean, some of these morons dying wouldn’t be that ba–

(Glass shatters)

(Yelling) I’m coming!

(Running)

[GRIF]

(Yelling) –ou doing!? Kai! You’re not meant to be here!

[KAIKAINA]

(Just assume everyone is yelling until proven otherwise) I needed a job, jackass! I thought you’d be happy to see me! 

[CHURCH]

Okay, who the fuck is this, and why the fuck is the window broken?!

[GRIF]

This is my fucking idiotic sister, Kai, and I don’t know about the goddamn window.

[SARGE]

Who broke the window!?

Grif!?

[GRIF]

Stop blaming me, jackass! I didn’t do anything!

[SIMMONS]

Grif! You can’t call Sarge a jackass!

[TUCKER]

Why are you all yelling!?

[CABOOSE]

Why don’t I have anything to yell about!?

[TUCKER & CHURCH]

Shut up, Caboose!

[DOC]

Everyone, calm down! 

[KAIKAINA]

Why is everyone you work with so not hot!? They all suck!

[TUCKER]

Hey! I’m hot!

[KAIKAINA]

(Sarcastically) Yeah, sure!

[TUCKER]

What does that–

[CHURCH]

Can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on!

[SIMMONS]

(The first person to not be yelling) Wait…where’s Donut?

[GRIF]

…oh yeah, where is Donut?

[KAIKAINA]

Who’s Donut?

[CHURCH]

The pink guy.

[DONUT]

(Muffled) It’s lightish-red!

[CABOOSE]

Mr McMuffin! Where are you!?

[LOPEZ]

He is under the giant thing that arrived today

[SARGE]

No Lopez, I don’t think he’s in the ketchup.

[LOPEZ]

How the fuck did you get that from what I said!? I never even mentioned ketchup!

Sure, Donut will die. I don't even care.

[SIMMONS]

Hey…do you think the BLUEs took him?

[CHURCH]

Why would we kidnap your idiot!? He’s probably the worst of you all!

[SARGE]

Hey! I resent that.

[KAIKAINA]

What. Is. Going. On.

[DOC]

Oh hey! Are you new here?

[KAIKAINA]

Uh...yes?

[DOC]

I should probably do a medical check up, y’know, for…safety. C’mon. 

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

[KAIKAINA]

(Voice fading) Do I need to take anything off?

[DOC]

(Voice fading) If that’s alright.

[KAIKAINA]

Fuck yeah!

[GRIF]

…did Doc just hit on my sister?

[SIMMONS]

(Yelling again) Where. Is. Donut!?

[WASHINGTON]

…what the fuck did I walk in on?

[CABOOSE]

Washingtub!

[TUCKER]

Oh shit! What’re you doing here? You need to leave!

[WASHINGTON]

I was just coming to collect my helmet from Sarge.

[SARGE]

Oh! Right! Here it is, you dirty BLUE!

[SIMMONS]

Oh God, another BLUE!?

[TUCKER]

Did…did you take a job here?

[WASHINGTON]

No! He just keeps calling me a BLUE.

[TUCKER]

Okay…well…you should leave.

[WASHINGTON]

Sure, but just so you know, the pink guy–

[DONUT]

(Muffled) Lightish. Red.

[WASHINGTON]

Is trapped under that huge box in the hallway.

[CHURCH]

…how the fuck?

[WASHINGTON]

I don’t know. You good to sort it out?

[TUCKER]

Yeah, yeah, we’ll deal with it. Get out.

[WASHINGTON]

(Quietly) Why did I think coming here would be a good idea?

[GRIF]

I’m gonna go check on Kai.

(After a pause)

(Muffled yelling) Kai! What the fuck! Put your clothes on!

[DOC]

(Muffled yelling) It’s just a medical exam!

[KAI]

(Muffled yelling) Yeah! Nothing’s happening here! Just go back to your friends for…twenty minutes.

[GRIF]

(Quietly) I appear to be traumatised.

[SIMMONS]

…did you just say ‘I appear to be traumatised’? Who says that?

[SARGE]

(Triumphant) Yes! Someone broke him! Finally! Haha! Suck it, dirtbag!

[WASHINGTON]

Yeah, I’m definitely gonna leave.

[TUCKER]

Wait, how did you even get in? The door’s locked.

[WASHINGTON]

…window.

[LOPEZ]

Did we all just forget about Donut?

[CHURCH]

I’m gonna call Tex, she’ll be able to move the box.

[CABOOSE]

I can do it!

[CHURCH]

No Caboose, that’s too heavy to–oh my fucking God. He just–How!?

[CABOOSE]

I am very strong!

[WASHINGTON]

Is he even alive?

[TUCKER]

I’ll email you to let you know.

[SARGE]

This is the best day of my life!

[SIMMONS]

Donut. Is. Dead.

[GRIF]

(Sounding like he’s having an existential crisis) My sister is fucking Doc.

[WASHINGTON]

(High pitched screeching) Everyone shut up!

(Silence)

(Even more high pitched screeching) Look, Donut needs medical attention, so if you idiots could stop arguing for five fucking minutes, he might survive! So, get off your asses and call 911!

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

So…after…whatever the fuck last time was, I’m pretty much ready to quit. Donut is still alive…somehow, which I’m honestly not sure how to feel about. Also Tucker kept trying to get rid of that ‘Wash’ guy. Again, no clue.

Anyway, today we have Connecticut joining us, so that’s a thing. I don’t get paid enough for this shit. 

(Door opens)

(Footsteps, getting closer)

[CONNECTICUT]

(Sarcastically) Nice to meet you too. 

So this is gonna be different to your normal statements, as I’m here to warn you rather than whining about my own problems.

[CHURCH]

Huh…that’s actually a pretty nice change.

[CONNECTICUT]

Yeah, I would hate to have your job.

Anyway, I’ve been looking at patterns between the people who come here, after a few friends of mine did. Before the Director took over, only five random people even bothered to leave statements, and since, he’s got thirteen statements.

Some of them are workers here, and all the others are…well, they’re all my friends. I looked into the incidents, North’s coworker being the easiest one.

[CHURCH]

Wait a second, how do you even know about that?

[CONNECTICUT]

(Extremely casually) A friend of mine broke into the Archives, and I borrowed the files before he returned them.

[CHURCH]

I feel like I should be concerned, but I’m not paid enough to care.

[CONNECTICUT]

The coworker was a transfer, working for a different corporation, Freelancer. That corporation is run by…you guessed it, the Director. He was also responsible for the incident where York lost his eye. I managed to convince him to show me the dumpster where the…stuff was, and there was nothing there. I found a security cam across the street, that the owner was kind enough to allow me to look at, and a truck with the Freelancer logo picked it up.

I’ve managed to trace every single incident to him, excluding one. 

[CHURCH]

Okay, I should probably ask, which one?

[CONNECTICUT]

The…the Wash-car thing.

Besides that, I’ve literally got proof that the Director is behind everything. He’s bringing in business for…well, I’m not sure why. 

But, that’s not even the worst bit of it.

A few friends of mine have been haunted by…ghosts, of sorts. 

[CHURCH]

North and York, right?

[CONNECTICUT]

Wash and Maine too, though I haven’t managed to talk to their ghosts yet.

The two I’ve spoken to, Delta and Theta, both said the same thing. That they were split from a guy named ‘Alpha’. 

[CHURCH]

…Alpha? I–never mind.

[CONNECTICUT]

I think he was torturing him. Shit, I wouldn’t be surprised if the guy was locked in some basement, or just doesn’t even remember what happened to him.

[CHURCH]

(Shakily) Y–yeah. That’s fucked up.

[CONNECTICUT]

Are you alright?

[CHURCH]

(Hesitantly) It’s nothing, I’m fine. Go on.

[CONNECTICUT]

…sure. But yeah, you work for a total sociopath, who’s probably tortured someone, and at the very least is trying to get business by planting supernatural items. I mean, he fucking cost someone his eye, it’s pretty goddamn clear there are no lines he won’t cross.

…wait, is this recorded?

[CHURCH]

Yeah…I think.

[CONNECTICUT]

Can you turn it off?

[Click]

[Click]

[COUNSELOR]

Leonard.

[CHURCH]

Yes, sir? (Quietly) Also, please call me Church.

[COUNSELOR]

Did you record the latest statement? I cannot find the file. 

[CHURCH]

Oh, right. It go–it bro–I don’t–it’s not there.

[COUNSELOR]

Can you tell me why?

[CHURCH]

(Long pause)

…no.

[COUNSELOR]

Well, that is…disappointing. I will have to report this to the Director.

(Footsteps, getting farther away)

[CHURCH]

(Under his breath) The fuck? I can’t lie. How the– (Voice breaks)

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Journal entry: Three-Three

So…according to Sarge, he fixed the helmet. I guess all I need to do is put it on and pray I don’t faint again. Here goes.

(A pause)

…so…I’m still awake, that’s a good start. Uh…Epsilon, you there?

[EPSILON]

Hey! You’re not passed out on the floor! Great! 

[WASHINGTON]

…Church?

[EPSILON]

Not exactly. I’m his memories that were brutally ripped from his body by the motherfucker known as the Director.

[WASHINGTON]

…oh.

(Sounding mildly concerned) I–I don’t know what to say to that.

[EPSILON]

‘Sucks to be you’ would work.

Anyway, I’m guessing that you want to know what’s going on.

[WASHINGTON]

That would be a nice change.

[EPSILON]

Oh quit being a sarcastic asshole.

[WASHINGTON]

I’m told that’s one of my best qualities.

(Long pause)

[EPSILON]

So…you want me to tell you things or not?

[WASHINGTON]

…yes please.

[EPSILON]

Okay, the Director is fucking evil, for starters. Also: The others are all in danger; the Counselor is interested in you for some reason, so Tucker’s trying to keep you away from him; all your friends are essentially being experimented on, which is why they’re all seeing the paranormal shit.

[WASHINGTON]

T–that’s a lot to unpack. Okay, so, the REDs and BLUEs first. What’s going on with them?

[EPSILON]

Well, I mean, they did this to me, so I’m guessing that the Director won’t hesitate to do something like it to them too. Besides, the second anyone steps outta line, or finds out something they shouldn’t, that asshole’s probably gonna want to keep ‘em quiet.

Pretty sure they’re more interested in the BLUEs, for some reason.

[WASHINGTON]

Alright, warn the idiots. Why is the Counselor interested in me…and should I be ready to file a restraining order?

[EPSILON]

A - I have no fucking clue. He kept asking questions about you. B - Almost definitely. Doubt it would help, but worth a shot.

[WASHINGTON]

…I’m honestly just gonna keep pretending that I never heard that, for my own sanity.

[EPSILON]

Good call. Now, about your friends, I think you should listen to the bug you planted in the room. Connie came in and gave a statement that just about sums it up.

Alright. Also, there’s one more thing. 

[WASHINGTON]

What?

[EPSILON]

The memories you’ve been having, of all the morons in power armour, this helmet, all that shit? Kinda the past-future.

[WASHINGTON]

(Sounding like he’s having a terrible migraine, which I  honestly  can’t blame him for) Past…future?

[EPSILON]

Yeah, it’s fucking confusing. Trust me, I’d know. Basically, it was a past life for all of us…that happens in the future, for this world. Confusing. 

[WASHINGTON]

…sure, why not. That’s not any more confusing than any of this.

So, what now?

[EPSILON]

We should tell someone, and try to get the Director arrested…or killed. Killed works.

[WASHINGTON]

So, we’re planning a murder now?

[EPSILON]

Your words, not mine.

[WASHINGTON]

(Once again doing his dramatic movie trailer voice) It’ll be difficult, and we can’t do it alone. Luckily, I know exactly where we can get some help.

[EPSILON]

(Deadpan) Oh. My. Fucking. God.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[CHURCH]

Statement of two absolute fucking morons, on how they killed me, but didn’t finish the goddamn job.

[CABOOSE]

Tucker did it.

[TUCKER]

Hey! You shot him, asshole!

[CABOOSE]

And we can all agree that it wasn’t my fault. Stupid Tucker. I would never kill my best friend.

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) We’re not best friends! Shut the fuck up!

(Deep breath) Anyway, time for these two to explain exactly how they managed to get me killed. 

[CABOOSE]

Yay! Story time!

[CHURCH]

(Yelling) Caboose! Shut! Up! 

(Dying inside) Tucker, just say the thing.

[TUCKER]

Alright, fine. So, Caboose got an artefact from the REDs for his birthday, something they thought didn’t work…though last time that happened, I got pregnant, so they should really learn their fucking lesson at this point. 

So, they gave him a gun. A fucking gun. It spent about two seconds in his hands before talking, because of course it did. The moron–

[???]

DO NOT ADDRESS CAPTAIN CABOOSE LIKE THAT.

[TUCKER]

Shut up Freck– (Yelling) Caboose! Get your fucking gun away from my face!

[CABOOSE]

Freckles is just excited! Freckles, down, boy!

[FRECKLES]

AFFIRMATIVE.

[TUCKER]

So naturally, he had to introduce the damn gun to us. He kept pointing it at both me and Church, me especially, because he knew what he was fucking doing.

[CABOOSE]

And I would do it again.

[TUCKER]

…and he keeps doing that. It’s freaking me out.

[CHURCH]

Quit being such a fucking baby, and just spit it out, dumbass.

[TUCKER]

Fine. He points the gun at Church, and pulls the trigger. Surprise, surprise, he fucking dies.

The next day–

[CHURCH]

Wait a sec, you forgot my last words, and your last words to me.

[TUCKER]

Asshole.

[CHURCH]

(Barely audible) You are what you eat.

[TUCKER]

Bow chicka bow wow. 

He says to me ‘out of everyone I knew, I always hated you the most’, so I tell him to ‘hurry up and die, you prick’. Looking back, I have no regrets.

[CHURCH]

You should.

[TUCKER]

I know.

Moving on, the next day, I’m hanging out with the REDs, desperately trying to get one of them to agree to tell Tex about Church’s demise, when an asshole starts doing the ghost voice.

I turn around, and there he is. Church is a fucking ghost. So, now he can tell Tex, like a grown-up.

Also, you’ve gotta agree that it wasn’t my fault, I’m literally the only fucking person who’s not to blame. Obviously, the REDs shouldn’t’ve given him the damn gun, and Caboose–

[CABOOSE]

Do not blame me if you value your eyes.

[TUCKER]

(Whinily) Church! He’s–

[CHURCH]

Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Caboose, can you–

[CABOOSE]

My name is O’Malley.

[CHURCH]

I don’t get paid enough for this shit. Can you just–

[TEXAS]

Whaddup cockbites!?

(Extremely calmly) …Church is dead. Can’t say I’m surprised.

[CHURCH]

Wow, thanks. You wanna say any words at my funeral or–

(Gunshot)

(Yelling) No! Tex! Caboose, what the fuck!

[FRECKLES]

TARGET ELIMINATED.

[CABOOSE]

…Tucker did it.

[CHURCH]

(Frantically) Tex! Wake up, you bitch! You can’t die like this! What happened to dying to the government, or never dying?

[TUCKER]

Days since last murder - zero. Un-fucking-believable. We were so close to ten! So. Close.

[CHURCH]

Shut it, and call 911!

[TEXAS]

Oh for fuck’s sake. You absolute fucking morons! Now I’m dead too!

[CHURCH]

Tex!

[TEXAS]

Shut up, asshole, you killed me.

[CHURCH]

Caboose killed you!

[FRECKLES]

CAPTAIN CABOOSE IS INNOCENT.

[TEXAS]

And you have a sentient fucking gun. Typical. 

[TUCKER]

…look on the bright side, you don’t have to pay taxes anymore.

[CABOOSE]

(Under his breath) I hate taxes.

[TEXAS]

Bold of you to assume I did anyway.

So, I’m gonna have to get a body now, I guess. Tucker, go threaten the RED jackass into making two robot bodies. One for me, and one for Church.

[CHURCH]

Aww, that’s sweet.

[TEXAS]

No, it's so I can beat the crap out of you for killing me.

[CHURCH]

But–but–

[TUCKER]

Hey! You can’t make me do anything! You have no body!

[TEXAS]

I can possess you.

[TUCKER]

You know, I’ve always wanted you in me, bow chicka bow–

(Scared) Fine! I’ll do it! 

[TEXAS]

(Smugly) Good. Go on then.

[TUCKER]

This is bullshit.

[Click]

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

Alright, welcome to the first meeting of the ‘Idiots who have a ghost living rent-free in their heads’ society.

[EPSILON]

By the way, we really need to shorten that.

[NEW YORK]

Yeah, c’mon Wash, I bet even D could be more creative than that.

[DELTA]

‘Even D’? That is rather rude. I can be extremely creative.

(Long silence)

I believe we should call the group ‘The Paranormal Society.’

(Even longer silence)

[NORTH DAKOTA]

…Delta, just leave being creative to us, okay? Speaking of, any ideas, Theta?

[THETA]

I…I don’t know.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Don’t worry, buddy.

[SIGMA]

(MAINE growls)

We are both grateful that you have allowed us in this group. It is most interesting to learn about the others.

[EPSILON]

…right. 

[TEXAS]

I still don’t know why I’m here.

[WASHINGTON]

Epsilon asked for you.

[EPSILON]

I…uh– (Voice goes extremely high) You’re dead okay! That’s weird!

[NEW YORK]

What’s the point of this? Sure, we all have glowing ghost-people following us around, but y’know, why?

[WASHINGTON]

That’s kinda what this about. You all need to know why.

The Director was torturing a guy called Alpha. He split the others off of him.

[THETA]

Oh no! Is he okay!?

[SIGMA]

So…if we reunited, we’d be complete again? Interesting.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Wait, Alpha? That doesn’t sound…normal. Was he like, a clone, or something?

[EPSILON]

No. No he wasn’t. His real name is Church.

[TEXAS]

Hold on…Church? Leonard Church?

[EPSILON]

Yeah.

[TEXAS]

Shit! Church! Fuck no!

[WASHINGTON]

Wh– (Deadpan) Oh fuck. Your boyfriend. (Hitting noise) Ow!

[NEW YORK]

Wait a sec, Tex is dating someone?! Can we– (Hitting noise) (Whinily) Ow!

[DELTA]

I do not think that she wants to talk about it.

[NEW YORK]

(Sarcastically) Wow? Really D? Call the fucking press.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Okay, so, obviously we have to help Church, right?

[TEXAS]

I can handle it. Church is legally dead now, so it’s pretty hard to be arrested for the kidnapping of a dead man.

[EPSILON]

Wait a sec, do we really have to kidna–

[WASHINGTON]

Yep.

[SIGMA]

It does make sense.

[NEW YORK]

So…what should the rest of us do?

[WASHINGTON]

Honestly, the entire point of this was to warn you guys. Just stay safe, alright? I–I can’t let anything happen to you all.

(Barely audible) again.

[NORTH DAKOTA]

Aren’t I meant to be the mother hen here?

[WASHINGTON]

Oh shut up.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[WASHINGTON]

(Over the phone) Hey, Tucker. You told me to call you if I had a statement to give?

[TUCKER]

Yeah?

[WASHINGTON]

(Over the phone) …Do I really need to spell it out for you?

[TUCKER]

(Voice raising a full octave) R–right! So…you know the place down the street, Charon’s Fried Chicken?

[WASHINGTON]

(Over the phone) Yep.

[TUCKER]

Meet me there at 6pm, I’ll be off work by then.

(Hangup noise)

[CHURCH]

Aww, did you get a date?

[TUCKER]

Fuck off, asshole. It’s business.

Besides, don’t you have something better to do, like harassing Sarge?

[CHURCH]

I mean, that’s fun and all, but I hate you–

[TUCKER]

The most, yeah, I know. You’d think that after your seventeenth time saying that, I’d get the picture, but apparently not. 

[CHURCH]

So…the date?

[TUCKER]

You sound like fucking Donut.

And I’m not lying, it’s seriously just for work!

[CHURCH]

Sure thing, Tucker

[Click]

[Click]

(Lots of background chatter)

[WASHINGTON]

Hey, thanks for comi–

[TUCKER]

…why are you wearing a helmet?

[EPSILON]

So you can talk to me, dumbass.

[TUCKER]

Church?

[WASHINGTON]

Yeah, kinda. Basically, he’s Church’s memories.

[EPSILON]

Yep. Also, if you get the chance, stab the fucking Director with your sword for me.

[TUCKER]

What the fuck?

[WASHINGTON]

Sorry, this is probably a lot, but…have you seen any of the other ‘ghosts’ around? Or at least heard of them?

[TUCKER]

Yeah, I had to call North about his, and met York’s. 

[WASHINGTON]

Okay, so…actually, Epsilon, you understand this better, you wanna take it?

[EPSILON]

Nah, listening to you struggling to explain what’s going on sounds more fun.

[WASHINGTON]

Jackass.

(Sighs) Basically the Director made a ton of split personalities called the Fragments, and then sent them out to haunt people.

[EPSILON]

Goddamnit.

[WASHINGTON]

What? Did I not explain it well enough?

[EPSILON]

No, you did. That’s what I’m complaining about.

[WASHINGTON]

(High pitched shriek) That doesn’t even make sense!

[EPSILON]

Good.

[TUCKER]

So…that’s why he was acting so odd?

[EPSILON]

If by ‘odd’ you mean ‘like he was brutally ripped apart, then put back together…mostly’ then yeah, that’s why.

[TUCKER]

Holy shit.

I–Is there anything I can do?

[WASHINGTON]

We’re still coming up with a plan. We’ve figured out that one certain group of people are being targeted, and the Director is the one planting all the paranormal shit, but we don’t know how or why.

[TUCKER]

I mean, he’s an asshole, pretty sure that’s a good enough reason.

[EPSILON]

I hate to say this, but he has a point.

[WASHINGTON]

Anyway, I’d recommend quit–

[???]

Order number 7 for you assholes.

[WASHINGTON]

(Sarcastically) Wow, great customer service. Absolutely amazing.

[???]

Well, if you wanna give me some good feedback, the name’s Felix.

[TUCKER]

Okay, shut up and fuck off.

[FELIX]

(Sounding mildly evil) Sure thing. Enjoy!

[TUCKER]

(Under his breath) What a douche. Can you even eat with the helmet?

[WASHINGTON]

Yeah, it’s not that hard, to be honest.

[EPSILON]

I…uh–I don’t think that’s a great idea.

[WASHINGTON]

Why?

[EPSILON]

…it’s poisoned. Just yours, don’t worry.

[WASHINGTON]

(Honestly sounding more annoyed than anything) Oh, come on. Can’t I have nice things? For fuck’s sake! Worst day ever! Of all time!

[TUCKER]

(Sounding a thousand times more panicked than WASH) Dude, he just said that someone’s trying to kill you! Why aren’t you freaking out?!

[WASHINGTON]

(Dead inside) All I wanted was some chicken nuggets, goddamnit. Is anything else poisoned? Can I at least have the fries?

[EPSILON]

Nope, sorry. Even the drink.

[WASHINGTON]

Fucking hell. I can’t catch a break, can I?

[TUCKER]

(Extremely terrified)…are you gonna…do something?

[WASHINGTON]

Sure. Just try and get Church to quit, alright. If it fails, Tex is gonna kidnap him.

Once you’re gone, I’ll deal with this asshole, who ruined perfectly good food.

[TUCKER]

Nah, I’ll stay and help. I have a weapon.

[WASHINGTON]

Fine.

(Gun cocks)

(People in the background start screaming)

(Yelling) Hey asshole! Why’d you poison my food?

[FELIX]

…are you asking that because you’re slowly dying?

[WASHINGTON]

No.

[FELIX]

Shit. 

(Energy sword ignites)

Double shit.

[TUCKER]

I’d recommend you start running, dickhead.

[FELIX]

(Yelling desperately) Locus!

[EPSILON]

Wash! Behind you!

[WASHINGTON (LATER ON)]

(No background chatter/screaming)

Alright, so, I’m recording this bit after the…incident, in the hospital, because I really don’t think the fight translated to the recording too well. Essentially, a guy somehow snuck in, and–

[WASHINGTON]

(Background chatter/screaming continues)

(Yells) What the fuck!

[TUCKER]

Wash!

[FELIX]

Ugh, finally, took you long enough.

[LOCUS]

You were doing fine by yourself.

[FELIX]

(A screech that would make WASH proud) I was about to be shot! 

[LOCUS]

Yes.

[FELIX]

I fucking hate you.

[WASHINGTON (LATER ON)]

(No background chatter/screaming) Those two stood there, arguing, for ages, then Tucker did something stupid.

[TUCKER (LATER ON)]

Hey! It made sense at the time!

[WASHINGTON (LATER ON)]

You tried to stab a guy who had me in a chokehold!

[TUCKER (LATER ON)]

Yeah, so he’d let you go!

[WASHINGTON (LATER ON)]

(High pitched screech) You stabbed me in the arm!

[EPSILON (LATER ON)]

Yeah, Tucker, it was a dumbass move.

[TUCKER (LATER ON)]

Shut up.

[WASHINGTON (LATER ON)]

On the bright side, at least it did make him drop me…because he was so confused. 

[TUCKER (LATER ON)]

And then they started running.

[EPSILON (LATER ON)]

Tucker?

[TUCKER (LATER ON)]

Yeah?

[EPSILON (LATER ON)]

Just shut up. Felix shot you. In the shoulder. 

[TUCKER (LATER ON)]

No regrets.

[Click]

Chapter Text

[Click]

[TEXAS]

Church?

[CHURCH]

Tex? What’re you doing here? I thought that you–

[TEXAS]

(Desperately) Has anyone here been acting off? 

[CHURCH]

Well, hello to you too, bitch.

[TEXAS]

Answer the fucking question!

(Footsteps, getting closer)

[TUCKER]

Caboose. He keeps threatening me.

[CHURCH]

Oh shut the fuck up Tucker, it’s all in your–

[TEXAS]

Shit! Where is he? 

[TUCKER]

Next room.

(Running)

[CHURCH]

(Somehow sounding out of breath despite being a fucking robot) What’s going on?

[TEXAS]

You know the ghost things? Well, I have one and it’s been possessing people. It might kill someone.

What?

[CHURCH]

Didn’t know you cared.

[TEXAS]

‘Course I don’t, cockbite. I just don’t wanna have to deal with its bullshit anymore.

[TUCKER]

Yeah, that sounds about right.

(Running stops)

Caboose?

[CABOOSE]

You have no idea what kind of trouble you are in.

[CHURCH]

Caboose…what’re you–

[TEXAS]

Church, it’s not Caboose, get away from it. 

Omega, let him go. I’m not gonna ask again.

[TUCKER]

(Under his breath) Omega?

[CABOOSE]

My name is O’Malley.

(Sword ignites)

[TUCKER]

O’Malley? More like…O’Stabby.

(Long pause)

[CHURCH]

That was fucking terrible.

[TUCKER]

(Genuinely depressed) I know.

[TEXAS]

Tucker, wait. 

Church, we’ve gotta go in. 

[CHURCH]

What?

[TEXAS]

We have to possess him.

[CHURCH]

Shit. Alright, Tucker, stand guard.

[TUCKER]

Wait, don’t–and they’ve already gone.

(Phone dial noise)

Wash, we’ve got a problem.

[WASHINGTON]

(Over the phone) What? Tucker, who died?

[TUCKER]

No one, I don’t think. Turns out Tex has one of those ghost things, and it’s possessed Caboose. Church and Tex have possessed him too, to try and get it out.

[WASHINGTON]