Chapter Text
AUGUST 9, 2022
Mario was a bit nervous. Welcoming in a bunch of new talent was the humdrum of the Smash Mansion, but they weren’t worlds he’d expected. Also he never really took in such a huge amount at one time. But it was a kind gesture to them. They were going to be shown the ropes, and after not seeing this happen for a while, it was great to give the new guys the rub.
Rushing up to the window, Master Hand saw the huge group and snapped his fingers, causing a loud and crackly sound to emanate throughout the mansion. All of a sudden, those who were sleeping soundly in their beds woke up and ran to the front door. Meggy did the honors of opening the door for them.
The newcomers were surprised as the moment they went through the door they felt some kind of tingling feeling, only for that to make them feel slightly heavier for some reason. “Hey, uh, did anyone else feel that?” Danny noticed. If anyone did, they didn’t really want to talk about it.
“Hey! Welcome! This is the Smash Mansion! Pretty cool, huh?” Meggy beamed as she pointed to all the fancy decorations.
“I gotta say, you spared no expense on a glorified fightin’ ring, doc.” Bugs Bunny did a small aside.
“Yeah, the mansion isn’t ALL about fighting. Sometimes we just, y’know, hang out. Master Hand says we all have good chemistry or whatever.” Goggles tried to add.
The tour continued as the group saw a smattering of doors spaced out evenly between massive hallways, each door having an illustration of their faces adorning the mahogany frame.
“These are gonna be your rooms for the mansion,” Pit said a tad nervously. “I-I know that it seems that they’re small, but trust me, they’re a lot bigger on the inside. And each of them fit your needs and your homes as well! As close as Master Hand and Crazy Hand can make it.”
“You’re tellin’ us there’s ANOTHER giant talking hand here?” Cat spat.
“Yep! Hello there, you freak of nature!” Another giant glove careened over in an erratic manner. “How are things going? Oh! Is anything on FIRE yet?!”
“No, no. Our new guests need the best impression, so uh, can you take your signature brand of ‘Crazy’ somewhere else?” Snake asked the thing.
“HA! HA HA HA! OK. I guess I’ll wait above you!” Crazy Hand zoomed upwards and broke a bit of the roof.
“Yeah, he’s usually like this…” Marth cringed.
Wii Fit Trainer was there to exemplify the training rooms next. “Hello, everyone! These are the training rooms. For those who want to get their fighting spirits up, or want to practice on getting better at beating others.”
A sandbag started to hop towards them. “Oh! There you are, Sandbag. This eager creature loves being the target of all your aggression. So why doesn’t one of you let out everything?”
“Yes! Something that ZIM can do best! Now, COWER IN FEAR, Earth creatures!” Zim unloaded a bunch of ammunition and precise strikes onto the Sandbag. You’d typically think that such an attack would lead to some kind of… you know? Anger? Sadness? Dread? No, the Sandbag actually started blushing and hopping around.
“You! Human filth! What kind of material is this specimen made of?” The Wii Fit Trainer responded.
“I… I don’t know. No one knows, actually.”
“Let’s move on before we all get weirded out, OK?” Sonic blurted out, breaking the awkward silence.
“Agreed,” Batman concurred with him.
“Over here is da kitchen! This is where all that’s savory, sour and sweet gets made! I always love this part,” King Dedede salivated as he saw Chef Kawasaki make food. Well, it certainly looked like food, smelled like it too. But it was a flat image of food.
“Since our trophy forms can’t eat, this food is magical. It only gives the illusion of eating without any nutritional benefits,” Samus said.
“Way to ruin da magic, Sam,” Dedede scoffed.
“Wait a minute. What do you mean ‘trophy forms’?” quizzically asked Wonder Woman.
“Isabelle, looks like we gotta explain this whole thing again,” Luigi informed the tiny dog person next to her.
Isabelle went and brought out some glowing ball in her hand. “Years ago, the world in which the mansion is in had some kind of cosmic reset. So, now there are THESE things.” Some of the crowd oohed and aahed at the ball moving around.
“This is a Spirit, the very culmination of your being!”
“Touch.” Patrick somehow morphed a finger and touched it.
“Hee hee hee! That tickles!”
“WOAH! Your little ball thingy talks!”
“Spirits are what keep this world’s inhabitants alive. Trophies are their vessels,” Roy explained. “You may have noticed that when you entered the front door, but you all felt a little… ‘heavy’, right?”
“Finally! I thought no one else would bring that up,” Finn mentioned, Danny slightly annoyed at this.
“Your typical body is switched in for a trophy, where your Spirit is sent into. This is so no real harm can come to you,” Master Hand added in with his exposition.
“But hey, you can still feel the hurt!” Bowser Jr. yelled, slamming a hammer onto Rick’s feet.
“$#%&!” Rick screamed, but he was surprised to see his profane words censored. “What the %#*@ is happening here? You-you and your Hamburger Helper looking-@$# is completely (BEEELCH) ruining my trademark humor! H-How do you live with this $#%&?!”
“Now, now, Sanchez, we don’t use any of that FOUL LANGUAGE around here,” Master Hand boomed. “The Smash Mansion is a place to be enjoyed by good little boys and girls of ALL ages. ANYTHING can happen in this magical place… except for swearing.”
Rick responded by throwing out every curse word in the book, even some that only sailors used. SpongeBob and Patrick seemed to recognize some of them. Luigi wanted out of this situation immediately. “C-can we just move on from this? Mario, take them to the next spot.”
Mario then gestured the guests into a giant locked room with various “DO NOT ENTER” signs adorned across it.
“Oh yeah, this room. I gotta warn you, what you’re about to see… well, it ain’t pretty.” Using a giant key, Mario cautiously unlocked the door. All of a sudden, the new guests started to peer into an endless darkness, something that was blacker than night, and most other black things really. However as soon as their eyes were getting used to it, a blinding light erupted out of nowhere. Some recoiled as bad as a basement dweller cringing at the morning sun through his window.
Trust me, I have plenty of experience with that.
Wincing, the newcomers went into the large room. There, two giant orbs were busy clashing against each other, one with angelic wings surrounding it and another with rough, spiked tentacles circling it.
“FOOLISH, SIMPLE CREATURE. YOU WERE TRESPASSING IN MY DOMAIN, AND YET YOU STILL REMAIN IGNORANT OF MY DEFENSES,” the angel orb boomed with a mighty voice.
“HOLD YOUR INSIPID TONGUE BEFORE I RIP IT FROM YOU, PITIFUL INSECT,” the other orb growled with malice.
“Galeem! Dharkon! Good to see you’re getting along as usual,” Dark Pit snarked as he turned his back to them.
“DO NOT INSULT ME WITH YOUR VINDICTIVE WORDS,” the angelic one grumbled.
“Um… who are these guys?” Korra questioned, noticing that they seemed oddly familiar.
“Remember what Isabelle talked about? That public reset thing? These guys loved doing that. Galeem, he’s that big ball with wings, he killed us very painfully.”
“Really?”
“We got better,” Sonic nonchalantly responded, “and besides, he totally copied that purple guy’s homework.”
“IT’S A SHAME MY WRETCHED BROTHER WAS SUCH AN IDIOT TO NOT TAKE OUR ‘BELOVED’ NEPHEW INTO ACCOUNT.” Dharkon pointed one of his spiked tentacle things to Kirby.
“Wait a minute… so you’re telling me THAT THING and this cute li’l cream puff are related?” Harley questioned.
“When we successfully defeated Void Termina’s true form, we realized how much the thing startlingly resembled Kirby,” Meta Knight exposited. “However, apparently that battle was enough to get the attention of these two creatures.”
“OUR BROTHER FLEW TOO CLOSE TO THE SUN, IT WAS ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE HE BURNED,” Galeem bellowed as his wings curled up into a needle that stabbed Dharkon’s being.
“ SAYS THE ILLUMINATED IGNORAMUS THAT FOLLOWED IN HIS FOOTSTEPS…” grumbled Dharkon as his tentacles formed a hammer that smacked Galeem’s being around.
“Like, I don’t want to be rude, but are these guys always trying to kill each other?” Shaggy asked.
“Well yes, that’s how they usually act towards each other. Anything to not let them kill everyone else in this mansion…” Samus snarked. “But I don’t want to end this visit on such a harrowing note, and you likely don’t either.”
“Sigh… and I wanted to feel existential today,” Lucy said.
“Oh, you’ll feel something like that at our final stop.” Rosalina forewarned, as the new guests were led to the lowest depths of the mansion, the basement. Many of the newcomers stood in awe looking up, seeing a glowing pillar of flame shifting colors and lighting up the dark caverns that were the basement’s walls.
Zelda started to explain this anomaly. “This is the Fountain. It’s what keeps the Spirits alive and the world from falling apart.” The crowd was awestruck at this phenomenon. “If the fountain ever flickers out, well, then we’re stuck in a lifeless, conscious-less state.”
“Thanks for reminding everyone about that, as if we didn’t just live it ourselves,” Leonardo snapped a bit.
“As long as this fountain stays flowing, nothing like this will happen,” clarified Mario, “so that’s that.”
As the new guests were starting to head into their rooms, Master Hand teleported behind them. “One more thing, my wonderful subjects.”
Many turned their heads around. “I know many of you may be worried about your duties, you know, saving the world and all that.”
“Don’t forget taking OVER the world!” Zim screeched.
“Or eating a bunch of lasagna…” Garfield thought to himself, and somehow it seemed the giant hand was able to listen.
“Anyways, just want to let you know that time in this realm works a little differently. What could be days here are just mere minutes in your reality. If you decide to go back, and I’m sure many of you would, know that it’ll be like you never left.”
“Thanks for clearing that up, Master Hand,” Superman responded.
“Now, I’m sure you’re all ready to see the rooms. And maybe you want to start fighting each other. Either way, it’s fine by me.”
“OK, Mr. Hand. I’m sure we’ll have a lot of fun together!”
Mario looked around. “Wait a minute. Isn’t Sora supposed to be here? And that weird dog thing?”
Meanwhile, Sora and his newfound friends were stumbling across an abandoned mental facility.
“Pibby, these things aren’t going to take ‘no’ for an answer! Not even if we try to smile at them and act nice!”
“Well, we tried playing nice... guess we have no choice then,” the girl growled, brandishing a sword of her own.
“What are you doing? Trying to struggle? Don’t you want to be FREE with us?” a psychotic zombie-like prisoner screeched.
“I feel like you need to learn something really important,” Pibby said as she threw her sword as Reindog lit it on fire, “you don’t decide what freedom is here.”
The 3 charged as the mad experiments cackled eerily, the battle barely begun.