Chapter Text
part 1: origin
Here's what Katsuki knows:
The sick slippery slide of sludge in his throat. The breathless feeling of almost dying. Thick, black rage stuck in his body with nowhere to go.
Pro Heroes watching as he's defiled and dying, unmoving, unhelpful. The growing disgust towards himself, toward those sworn to protect citizens. His hands wet with sweat and sludge, unable to do anything.
Feeling useless.
Making eye contact with green eyes, wide with panic and recognition. Recoiling inside the body that’s killing him, watching as the boy he’s deemed useless runs towards him, throwing his bookbag, slamming his body into the villain as if that's all that it will take.
The relief of finally being able to breathe. The mounting horror realizing that the villain switched targets, forcing itself onto Deku instead. The utter hopelessness as it rips through Deku’s body, down his lungs. Katsuki’s sweat finally catching, rocketing an explosion which only harms Deku even more. The nauseating smell of burning flesh coating Katsuki’s tongue as the sludge merely rematerializes.
Hearing the last word Deku’s speaks to him, speaks to anyone. "K-Kacchan," he cries before the sludge drowns him out, again. Katsuki screaming for help. No one listening.
Burning tears coating his cheeks as his childhood friend's eyes grow hazy with death. The tacky smile frozen on his face.
The sudden destruction of the monster, disintegrating into evaporated pieces. All Might's hulking figure holding Deku’s corpse.
The other Pro Heroes finally rushing the scene, pulling at Katsuki, forcing him onto a gurney. Fighting back, clawing against unyielding skin to get back to Deku’s side. Being denied by the same Heroes who stood aside and let the one boy who was worth a damn die.
The boiling hate fuses with his bones and breath. He can't look at the fools who did nothing. He can't muster anything but disgust for the Hero who he looked up to for so long, who is cradling the body of his number one fan.
Most of all, he hates himself.
Katsuki is useless.
Deku is dead.
Inko Midoriya disappears into thin air, after. No funeral, no memorial. No place for Katsuki to mourn.
Nightmares of Deku’s lifeless body. The ever there taste of sludge, rot, and charred flesh in his mouth. His parent's hushed conversations behind closed doors.
The empty desk at school that feels like a gaping maw at Katsuki’s back. Students whispering the moment he turns away. The apathy in his teachers' eyes.
The sickening realization that the world moves on.
The same Heroes who couldn't look him in the eye are lauded by the masses. The news cycle comes and goes, the sad story of the dead boy in Musutafu is quickly drowned out by other, more heroic tales. Cookie cutter success stories. No one wants to focus on the black stain in the grand tapestry.
Katsuki's hatred grows, manifests into blinding resolve. Crystalizes into blinding vengeance.
He does not apply for U.A Academy. His ambitions take him elsewhere.
Here's what Katsuki does not know:
The startled gasp of breath as Izuku returns to the land of the living. Paramedics who nearly called time of death jumping back from his body in response. He hacks up the sludge still stuck in his lungs, the forerunning problem his body has decided to solve first.
Then, he screams as the welting pain of burns across his body register in his oxygen starved mind. His brain went without it for approximately 2 minutes and 13 seconds. This will severely impact the rest of his life.
Falling back into unconsciousness as the pain overtakes him, but this time, he's breathing.
Being taken to a hospital in Musutafu before being transferred to specialists in Japan. Waking up from a medically induced coma to bright light and a black spot in his vision.
His mother sits by his side as doctors in white coats and clipboards dissect all the maladies he accrued in the 2 minutes and 13 seconds it took for oxygen to reach his brain again.
The most severe is the memory loss, first and foremost. Izuku doesn't remember the day of the attack at all, and there are gaps in his memory that go all the way back to his toddler years. Moments that his mother had captured in pictures that Izuku can't recollect. They explain that things may come back, or they may not.
(He never admits it, but there is one thing he does remember from that day: terrified red eyes, seeking help. He thinks the only reason the image never left him is because it seared into his soul.)
Then, there’s the central black spot in his vision. No matter how many times he blinks, the spreading tendrils of shadow holds strong. One doctor explains it may occur when a person looks too closely at a bright object. Or, it could be the brain damage. Whatever the cause, it’s permanent.
Nerve damage in his brain or in his hand, or both, causes just the smallest tremor in his right hand. They tell him with physical therapy, it may go away. It may not.
They tell him, in the future, more difficulties may crop up. Behavioral issues, irregular emotions, problems with decision making or reasoning. It depends, they say, on how his brain heals.
He’s got scarring all along the right side of his face, down his shoulder and wrapped around his hand. The result of an explosion gone wrong. Izuku, at first, is confused by this explanation. From what he’s been told, the villain didn’t have any powers that could cause the damage showcased on his body.
His mother admits that another person was caught in the crossfire. A boy with a quirk that could cause explosions.
(Red eyes, narrowed in fear, screaming for anyone to help him)
Izuku accepts the explanation but doesn’t bother asking for more information. Any time he thinks of the attack, he becomes panicky, his mind frazzled and wobbly. He learns quickly to give up trying to remember anything.
Strangely, when his mom tells him that his favorite hero is the person who saved him, a terrible emotion envelops him. The feeling of worthlessness, betrayal, apathy. He asks his mom not to bring him up again. She agrees.
They do not go back to Musutafu, too traumatizing for Izuku to even think about it. They stay in Tokyo.
Izuku never brings up the idea of being a hero again.
So, it goes.