Chapter Text

Alexandria, VA

Hailey quickly dried her hair. She had intended for a 4-mile run that morning which ended  up stretching to 7 miles when all was said and done.

Alex reached over to grab her from behind and planted a kiss on her cheek.

She smirked and hurried to get dressed before slurping down breakfast and reviewing files for her 9 am meeting.

“Did you take a look at those magazines my Mom sent over?” Alex asked trying to see if she would take the bait.

“Oh, yeah, sorry. I haven’t had the chance yet. I’ll get to it soon,” Hailey responded while remaining focused on the documents she was pouring over.

“I know my Mom can be a little pushy, maybe not the most subtle,” he offered as he inched the bridal magazines in her direction.

“But Hailey it has been over 6 months. I don’t care if it’s at city hall, but we should at least set a date,” he added staying neutral in his tone.

Hailey folded up the file she was reading. “Yes you are right. Let me just get through this case and we will sit down and pick a date. I promise,” she said delivering a kiss a few seconds longer than she intended to get her fiancé on the same page.

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It had five years since she left Chicago. Hailey had stayed in touch with the team, Trudy and a few others from CFD. They’d trade occasional texts, show up for weddings and things like that, but for the most part time did its thing and they marched forward and apart.

Truth be told she had to leave and not look back much. Time is a gift in most ways. Her physical distance enabled clarity on just how unhealthy her relationship was with Hank. Toxic in many ways. He understood her bad tendencies and perhaps inadvertently  gave her a safe space to enable her worst habits. He loved her like family, and she loved him, but mutual love doesn’t always equate to a healthy situation.

If only she had understood that sooner, maybe she would have been spared some painful heartache. Alas, she eventually did get out and forged a new path.

Hailey took a liking to the Washington DC area pretty quickly. Despite the more buttoned up nature of working for a federal agency, she loved the juiciness and wide expanse of her cases.

Not surprisingly, she flashed her skill and leadership qualities pretty quickly. Within two years she was leading her own task force designated to shut down big drug cartels operating in multiple states and across state borders.

Occasionally they would work on a case involving Bolivian cartels. She tried mightily not to try to search for Jay in her dealings with mercenary and military forces helping with intel. Trying does not mean succeeding of course. She succumbed and looked a few times, but her cases never crossed over with whatever he was doing down there.

It had been years since she heard from him last. There would always be this everlasting flicker of her soul that would yearn for him. Yet, she knew better than to tend to that flame.

After three years she began dating a fellow DEA agent who worked in a different unit. Alex was everything she thought she wasn’t. He came from a stable, happy family and had two doting older sisters. He played by the rules and believed things worked out in the end.

He was good for her. Brought stability and optimism to her naturally intense demeanor. Alex was thoughtful and genuinely cared about making Hailey happy. He checked every possible box on paper.  

She was hungry for that stability. Something she lost in Chicago and thought she’d never find. They moved in a year later and were engaged six months after that. It made sense. This was what secure happiness looked like, right?

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DEA headquarters: Springfield, VA

Hailey rolled her neck back and forth. She and her team had been pouring over documents for hours trying to figure out an in with a cartel that had been responsible for supplying tainted heroine leading to over a thousand deaths, including a United Sates Senator’s daughter.

The bodies were piling up in the mid-Atlantic and the mid-West. The DEA, The FBI, everyone was in on ending this infusion of poison into society. The agencies were duking it out to see who would solve the case. They all wanted to be the one to take the banner.

Two of the special agents, Miles Cooper and Katherine Shaw aka “Kat”, on her team bounded into the conference room and hooked up their laptop to the projection screen.

“Ok we’ve pinpointed Veneno as the cartel behind the influx of tainted heroine, right?”

Hailey nodded her head; this wasn’t new news.

“Yeah, and none of the CI’s we have access to have anything on them. None of Veneno members in prison will talk,” Michael Fritz, another team member answered.

Hailey put her hand up as to say let them finish.

“What is that saying?” Kat asked. “The enemy of my enemy is my friend?”

“There is a federal prison in Maryland that is housing 4 different known associates or members of Veneno. It also has more than a dozen rival cartel, Red Hands, members,” Miles added.

“Ok, great but what are the chances of them talking? They may hate Veneno, but they hate cops more,” Hailey said bluntly.

“Right. They will never talk about their own gang, but they may blab about another,” Kat suggested.

“You mean talk to a cellmate or something like?” Fritz asked.

“Bingo.” Kat and Miles said in unison.

Kat began to pull up some slides.

“We combed through the prison database to try to narrow down possible CI’s to recruit. You know someone that may have something to gain?” she said pulling up what she was looking for.

“We narrowed it down to five possible recruits based on when they are up for parole. Nothing like shaving off time on your sentence or guaranteed parole as an incentive right?

“We have scheduled time to interview them at Madison penitentiary. If we divvy them up amongst the team we may have a CI by the end of the day.”

“Great. Don’t go in as DEA. Last thing we need is anyone sniffing that we are working guys from the inside. If they are all up for parole get undercover’s as social workers or lawyers there to help with their cases. We will reconvene at noon and exchange notes. If you need me to weigh in call out. Let’s real in a fish tomorrow team,” she said getting up from the table.

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Hailey’s commute back to DC was only 20 minutes by the metro. But if she walked it was upwards of 2 hours.

That night she needed to walk. Her soon to be sister in laws were coming for dinner and she needed some time to set her head straight in order to handle hosting them. They were great, caring and involved. They loved their brother. Hailey just wasn’t used to handling all their attention and without a better word for it… their meddling.

Her phone bubbled up with a text. “Two weeks baby! We cannot wait to see you,” Kim Burgess texted. The smile on Hailey’s face emerged easily. She hadn’t seen any of her Chicago Intelligence family in years. Adam’s and Kim’s wedding was the last time they had all been together.

Life marches on. Distance sometimes is a needed ingredient to heal, to grow, to break free. That doesn’t mean the love doesn’t run deep, crazy deep. What she and the rest of intelligence shared would bond all of them for life. They didn’t need to see each other to know that.

As luck, or perhaps fate, would have it Makayla just graduated high school and was set to attend Georgetown University. The dorm she would be moving into was less than 2 miles from Hailey’s apartment. Kim, Adam, and Makayla were coming for orientation and to move their girl in.

With 5 years filling the space between their last rendezvous, they couldn’t wait for a little family reunion. Hailey hearted the text from Kim and sent back, ‘me too!’

Lost in thought Hailey nearly missed the next text. “Dottie and Cassidy are here,” Alex wrote. “Running later than expected?” he asked.

“Shit,” she thought. Her mind was all over the place and she lost track of time.

“Ten-minute eta,” she typed as she simultaneously ordered a taxi.

She ran up to their apartment as fast as she could. She made it to the door and overheard the sibling banter. She took a minute to compose herself before walking in. Being with them was always nice but it also drained her battery. They were so nice and normal. They focused on things that felt mundane and trivial to her. Playing along took energy.

She took a deep breath and opened the door.

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Later that night Alex and Hailey lay in bed. They were both burning the midnight oil on their laptops.

“You think Dottie was mad we ordered Thai food?” Hailey asked not looking up from her screen.

“You know Dot. She means well but she is so picky about food. I should have known better than to order without asking first,” Alex said closing his laptop.

“I don’t think it’s the food. I think it’s me. She is not a fan,” Hailey said reciprocating as she closed hers down too.

Alex wrapped his arm around Hailey and pulled her in against his chest.

“Stop it. How could someone not like you?” Alex said kissing the top of her head.

“Your family is loud, gregarious, connected. I am quiet, reserved, on my own island sometimes.”

“Babe, they are just overprotective sisters. I think they’d feel better once we got this wedding stuff nailed down,” Alex assured.

“Besides I don’t care what they think. I care what I think,” he added before making a move on his girl.

Hailey pushed out a smile and leaned into his advances.

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The next afternoon the team reconvened to see if they had anyone worth pursuing.

“I got nothing,” Fritz said throwing his file onto the table.

Kat nodded, “same.”

Hailey chimed in, “no one is willing to put their neck on the line, even for the chance of early parole? Miles how about you?”

“Something didn’t add up with my guy Ryan Clarke,“ he said pouring over his file.

Hailey felt something stir in her gut. That was an alias Jay used when he went undercover. It was a common, benign name. But hearing it stoked that piece of him that would remain with her forever.

She took a quick breath to keep that acute bruised ache from bleeding. Jay was buried deep within the recesses of her being, never unlocked. With each day that went by over the past 7 years he faded further and further from the surface.

She gave Miles a look to continue.

“His file is thicker than any of them. He was sentenced for 7-10 years for murder and falsifying evidence. He is coming up on 7 years and is up for parole in 3 months. He’s got no shot with his violent track record.”

“How so? Hailey questioned.

“This guy has been in more fights in prison than I’ve ever seen. He had been moved from a federal prison in Pennsylvania, then to Indiana, and now Maryland due to all the disturbances he caused. He certainly will not be qualifying for “good behavior.”

“So what isn’t adding up?” Hailey pressed. “Seems like he’d jump at the chance for parole.”

“His injury report over the past 7 years is gruesome. These were not just little tit for tat fights, his medical file reads like a horror film gone wrong. Not to mention medical reports of sexual assault. Yet despite what a hellish time prison has been for Ryan, he agreed to be a CI, but flat-out refused parole in exchange.”

“So what is it that he wants?” Kat asked in confusion.

“He said he just wants to stop the cartel, stop the proliferation of the heroine.”

“So this guy is some sort of saint?” Fritz chuckled.

“I don’t know. It also seems the guards don’t like him. Notes appeared over and over again about how nosy he was and needed to understand his place as a prisoner.”

“Hence you feeling something is not adding up?” Hailey asked now that she understood her colleague’s confusion.

“If something is too good to be true, it usually is?” Fritz asked. “Or maybe we just got lucky and hit the jackpot?”

“Let’s give it a try.” Hailey commanded. “We are looking for intel on activities on the outside, not for him to roll on a fellow prisoner. We don’t really have any other leads. Let’s see what Clarke can come up with.”

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Solitary cell #5

He put on his canvas prison issued slip ons after rolling out of bed. A spider crawled by his hand as he stayed unflinching in the plank position counting to 300. He went along with his usual morning routine a 5-minute plank, 500 sit ups, 500 squats, 500 push-ups.

“Clarke!” a guard called out as he banged his baton on the small square window on the metal cell door.

He was at push up 492 and quickly finished the last 8 before getting into position.

“That’s it princess. You aren’t going to make any more demands today are you?” the guard said as he walked him out of his cell.

“Turn around,” the guard barked as he placed a belt around Ryan’s waste. The belt contained chains linked to cuffs there were unceremoniously slapped around his wrists. He did the same on his ankles.

“What is this all about?” Ryan asked.

“You have a visitor,” the guard said with a laugh.

Two guards came over to a visitation booth with Ryan and maneuvered him into the chair before cuffing one wrist to the table and uncuffing the other so he could pick up the phone.

Kat whispered to Miles, “you didn’t tell me was hot.” Miles rolled his eyes as he picked up the phone.

“Ok we are on,” Miles said making eye contact with Ryan.

“Great, just one small problem,” Ryan stated. “They have held me in protective custody since my transfer. How am I going to get intel spending 22 hours a day alone in a cell?”

Kat and Miles gave one another a look. “We’ve read your file. You sure you want out of protective custody? I know the cells are smaller and isolating, but it’s safer given your track-record in there,” she added. So much of his file was redacted, they couldn’t entirely sure why he had such a target on his back.

Ryan took a deep breathe. The last 7 years had been harder than anything he could have imagined. Protective custody had its advantages, but the tiny sealed off cell was a different kind of torture. He was literally wasting away into nothing. All his connections to family and friends were long gone. He had learned to control his thoughts, to not let another unrequited dream ferment in his mind. He was in an abyss with no spark of light whatsoever.

He had achieved something crucial to his soul by being in prison. The cost of that goal was … well it was everything.

At least these "social workers" were giving him a chance to do something productive. Help in some way. Have his existence on earth hold a modicum of value.

As an added bonus, if he was back in general population, he could hopefully go back to tutoring illiterate prisoners, the one saving grace this hellhole allowed.

“I’m sure. Let’s do this,” he said with an emphatic stoniness that unnerved the DEA agents.

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Ryan was getting used to being in general population again. While he was glad not to be so isolated it was an adjustment dealing with all the alpha male energy again. He knew he didn’t have the luxury to let down his guard.

Hailey’s team had him put in a cell with a big Red Hands associate, Frederick Jones. Ryan’s task was to get anything out of him about Veneno’s work on the outside. If they got lucky that could help lead to shutting down the cartel’s drug smuggling. Ryan relished to have the challenge, to tap into that side of himself once more.

Fred eyed Ryan up and down for a prolonged minute that felt like the most awkward eternity imaginable.

Ryan was thin as a rail but whatever he had was pure muscle. He had this pretty little face that seemed too sweet for prison. Fred had heard Ryan was in protective custody because his baby face made him a little too popular with the other inmates. That wasn’t Fred’s thing. He just hoped his new cellmate wouldn’t cause him any trouble.

Ryan saw Fred give him a look and accepted he’d be on the top bunk.

“Clarke, I only have a few rules. Take a piss when you need, take a shit when I am not here,” he said eyeing the privacy-free, small, metal toilet in the corner they would be sharing. “And stay the hell away from my stuff.”

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It was lunch time. Ryan quickly missed being able to eat alone in his protective custody cell.

“Oh look who decided to join us,” a prisoner shouted as Ryan walked with his tray toward an empty table.

There weren’t a lot of secrets in prison. Everyone knew he was fresh meat right out of protective custody.

Ryan didn’t talk much at all. He was quiet, kept his head down. He had a rough go of it in prison and realized that not engaging at all was a decent defense.

“Not good enough to warrant protective custody anymore are you pretty boy?” the man said giving Ryan a menacing stare as he walked by.

Ryan just ignored the catcalling and remarks. When he stood up he saw someone out of the corner of his eye that looked  frighteningly familiar.

He quickly cleared his tray and made his way over to a guard.

“When is phone time this week? I haven’t made a single phone call since I have been transferred here…”

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“Shit I knew something was up with Clarke,” Miles said walking into Hailey’s office.

“What’s up?” Hailey asked with her interest peaked. They had nothing else besides the potential Ryan could bring them.

“He called saying that there is a prisoner that thinks he is a cop that helped put him away.”

“What?” Hailey asked confused. “What is Clarke’s background?”

“He is former military. Came back with his head screwed on incorrectly and he got into some shady dealings in Chicago… you know the drill. The military chews these guys up and spits them back out like garbage.”

“Chicago?” Hailey asks with her interest continuing to grow.

“Why would someone think he is a cop?” Hailey asked again trying to discern this turn of events.

“Ryan says he doesn’t know, maybe he has a similar face to someone else, but he demanded we transfer this guy out immediately before he tells others he was a cop. Even though it isn’t true, just the innuendo will ensure no one will talk with him. It will also ensure some more ass kickings which Ryan’s body cannot afford anymore.”

“You said he was transferred twice for violence. Was there more to the story?” Hailey pondered out loud.

“Who knows? It’s all redacted, FBI,” Miles said throwing his hands up. “And Ryan just downplays everything. He refuses to talk about his past in any way shape or form.”

“Ok who is the guy Ryan asked to be moved out?” Hailey said in frustration.

“Oskar Bembenek,” Kat said sliding over his file to Hailey. “You think we have enough juice to get him moved out quickly?”

Hailey’s blood ran cold. That name.

Kat saw her boss freeze up and pulled back the file to begin reading it out loud.

“Chicago based notorious drug lord… serving a life sentence for soliciting multiple homicides and the attempted assassination of a Chicago Police Detective. He was moved from Illinois to Maryland after an attempted assassination on his life. Apparently the guy had some enemies on the inside in Illinois and even protective custody couldn’t keep him safe."

Hailey’s mind was racing. She had worked undercover for years. She knows how to hide her emotions when necessary. But her body was betraying her as her hands shook with gentle pain and goosebumps enveloped her arms in an instant.

"Hailey?" Miles asked with concern. "Are you ok?"

"What was his name?" she said in barely a whisper.

"What?” Kat asked in confusion.

“HIS NAME! What was the detective’s name Bembenek attempted to kill?” Hailey yelled without realizing. The tension in her body just erupted, no possibility of controlling it.

Kat was thrown off by her boss’s uncharacteristic display of emotion.

She rifled through the file, “uhhhh his name was... Halstead. Detective Jay Halstead.”

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Ryan was in his cell with Fred when a guard came to the bars. “Clarke, up, now.”

Visiting hours for an inmate like him were normally only on Sundays. He had the scarlet letters of violent, rabble rouser, incorrigible. Some inmates that had all the good behavior gold stars were allowed visitors on Wednesdays as well. So he was really shocked when the guard called for his attention early on a Wednesday morning.

“What the hell?” Ryan said. He was worried that the argument he got in with the guard earlier that week was about to bite him in the ass.

The guards were in on a lot of the drugs coming in and out of prison not to mention relaying messages to gang and cartel members on the outside. It disgusted him to the core. People that swore to protect were doing the exact opposite. Sure they were all convicted felons, many away for a long time if not life, but that didn’t mean they were disposable tools to line correctional officer’s pockets.

“You got a visitor,” the guard said in annoyance. They weren’t pleased that some social service organization demanded to see a difficult prisoner on a Wednesday. Keeping the violent cooped up men in line was hard enough. Now throwing schedule, routine, order off… let’s just say the warden did not appreciate being strong armed.

Ryan took the brunt of their frustration. His cuffs and chains were affixed extra tight and they manhandled him roughly.

He was cuffed to the counter in the visitation booth confused as ever. Maybe Special Agent Cooper was there to get more on Bembenek?

In his nearly 7 years locked away he had only one visitor, and he would come once a year at best. Ryan would never admit it but getting two visits from Miles and Kat recently was kind of nice. Got him out of his cage, got him thinking about something useful.

No one was on the other side of the glass this time. After a few minutes he began to press his fingers on the hand cuffed to the counter against the cheap Formica veneer.

After another minute or two the guard knocked his arm with his baton, “ hey jack ass, perk up you only have ten minutes.”

Ryan looked up, embarrassed to have been caught in a daydream.

As his focus moved upward toward the glass before him, he awkwardly stumbled, nearly falling off his chair. If it wasn’t for his wrist cuffed to the counter, maybe he really would be on the floor.

It took whatever glimmer that was left of who he was before his incarceration to fully meet her eyes. That summoning of strength was all he had to give.

For right then and there was the first time in 6 years and 11 months the horizon between the green earth and the blue sky perfectly blended together as one. Or maybe it was that for the millisecond, before reality reared its ferocious head, heaven harmoniously met earth.

 For in that moment his green, met her blue. 

Chapter Text

Their eyes locked and remained that way for several minutes - confirming what Hailey knew in her gut to be true.

Ryan Clarke was Jay Halstead. Her Jay Halstead. Well the Jay Halstead that used to be hers.

When she sat at the visitation booth and saw the orange jumpsuit seemingly swallow his frame she knew.

His head was down. A scar she did not recognize ran down the back of his head in a slight zig zag, disrupting the smoothness of the short buzz cut that covered the rest.

Jay had sat at his desk countless times in that position pouring over files, falling asleep during an all-nighter, or taking a moment to manage his shame for not solving a case in time to save a victim.

All it took was Hailey seeing him lean over the counter like that to know it was him.

In the seconds before he looked up she wanted to stand up and run away. The pervasive thoughts running through her head since she heard Kat say his name were now on turbo speed.

What the hell? What was he doing in prison pretending to be someone else? Why did she not know? Why did no one else in their shared orbit know? Or did they and not tell her? What had he gone through in there? She had moved on a long time ago. Why this? Why now? Why him? Why? Why? Why?

The questions were endless, cruelly drilling holes in her heart at a speed her mind could not handle.

But the one burning question that started nearly 7 years ago and had remained unchanged ever since still shouted the loudest of them all, why on earth did he leave her, leave them, and never return?

The attempted assassination by Bembenek happened before she joined Intelligence. Nonetheless, the story was somewhat legendary at the 21^st district. Kevin and Adam especially used to reminisce about Jay’s borderline suicidal willingness to sacrifice himself to save others.

So, when she heard some named Ryan Clarke was claiming to be identified as a cop by Oscar Bembenek the puzzle pieces came together.

Despite the sensory overload and innate desire to run, she did not stand up and walk away. She looked into his eyes and felt.

What it was she was feeling she couldn’t discern. It was a host of emotions all synthesized into something fierce- anger, sadness, pain, bitterness were first and foremost.

In some ways he was different. His right eye didn’t seem to open all the way like it used to. He was gaunter than before. His facial hair held specs of grey. His face revealed that whatever happened since they had last scene one another wasn’t pretty.

In other ways he was exactly the same. His lower lip separated from his top. That boyish mouth of his sat slightly agape revealing his complete and total shock. His rich soulful eyes glistened creating a stark contrast to his tired face.

And god damnit if he didn’t make her feel naked. Like he could see right into her in intimate ways she wished he couldn’t. He no longer held that right. In some ways it felt like a non- consensual intrusion.

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When Jay looked up and saw Hailey Upton sitting on the other side of the glass he nearly jumped out of his skin.

In his entire life he had never had a moment that overwhelmed him like this one did. He wanted to scream, NOOOOOOO, NOOOO NOOOO! She shouldn’t be here, she can’t be here, why/how is she here?

But he didn’t. That would require summoning power and energy that he couldn’t muster as panic coursed through him.  All he had left was poured into their shared gaze.

She was smartly dressed in a suit. She wore her disappointment and hurt brazenly. Angry heat billowed off of her in fiery plumes.

And yet, the undeniable was present.

God in the terrible fluorescent light she was more beautiful than anything his memory had allowed him to clutch.

It wasn’t just her sparkling eyes and petite features. It was her essence; it was in her depths that her true magnificence lived.

And despite the crater of heartache, time, space, and distrust between them, despite her natural tendency to bury her vulnerability deeply so no one could bruise it once more, he saw her softness and strength in all its majesty as clearly as ever.

Long ago he had accepted that he likely would never see her again. He hurt her in crushing ways. He knew that.

Now she shows up, after a period so long that the time space continuum ceased to measure anymore, looking right through him. Looking right fucking through him.

There was not a single word that could live up to the enormity of this moment.

So they both just sat there and stared unblinking into one another’s eyes.

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9 minutes had gone by when one of the guards knocked on the glass and picked up the phone.

“Ma’am you only have one more minute. Was there something you wanted to say to my inmate?” he said as Hailey grasped the phone not breaking her stare with Jay.

The guard had no idea what the hell was going on. He’d thought he had seen it all, but this was… it was bizarre and intense. It made him uncomfortable.

She nodded her head as the guard slipped the phone into Jay’s uncuffed hand. The guard stood back to give them privacy for the last 60 seconds they had with one another.

After another 20 seconds Hailey finally mustered the courage to speak, “Hi, Ryan, my name is Kelly. I am here as your legal representation. Your social workers sent me to help build a case for parole. I wanted you to know we took care of that issue you had today.”

He understood she was referring to the Bembenek problem. She had him transferred as Jay had asked. That much his mind was able to process. While Oscar hadn’t seen Jay yet, he had to nip that in the bud quickly or he would be in a world of trouble yet again.

Kelly was the undercover name she used during the Booth case they worked on together. She was Kelly, he was Ryan. It was one of many deep breakthroughs as partners.

The memory engulfed him. The sound of her voice crushed him. He trembled and nodded, keeping his eyes directly poured into hers. She stood up, broke their eye lock, and walked out.

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Hailey stormed out of the prison exit like a bat out of hell. If energy could talk no one would stand within 20 feet of her raging vibes.

Seeing Jay was nothing and it was everything all at once.

She had moved on from the hurt and pain.

Sure, it lurked in the murky corners of her memory, but it didn’t hold the same power. She suffered and worked damn hard to make it to this point.

Once he was everything. Now he was nothing to her anymore. He couldn’t be.

After all he put her through. After all she had to do to let him go. After meeting Alex and building a new life. Damn him for reappearing... (albeit by no action of his own).

As much as she wanted that truth of his nothingness to be valid, she would be lying if seeing him didn’t mean something.

It did. Hailey Anne Upton get real. It did.

It meant more than she could possibly comprehend right now.

An awful gut feeling bubbled up in her as to how he ended up there. She quickly pushed it way down.

“Fuck you Jay Halstead. I am not spending another minute trying to dissect your motives. Not one second more,” she thought as she stormed into the grocery store to get ingredients for spanakopita.

She’d work the case like a professional and let their lives continue to branch off in the different directions he set forth when he walked away from her in Chicago.

She forged a new path for herself and was going to live it.

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That night Alex returned home to find Hailey cooking dinner.

“Hey what’s cooking good looking? He said with a smirk. He knew he was being cheesy and played up the silliness to get her to smile.

Hailey was a little lost in thought but made eye contact and gave her man one of her famous megawatt smiles.

Over dinner Alex was knee deep in regaling Hailey with a big takedown his team accomplished that day.

She watched him with admiration. He was a good guy. He didn’t carry the baggage she did. He simplified things – life didn’t have to be so hard.

“So the Executive Director wants me at this press conference tomorrow to celebrate. Would look good if you came too. You down for that?”

“Huh?” she said half in thought half in the conversation.

“You ok being my arm candy tomorrow? I can meet scoop you up at your office. It shouldn’t more than an hour or two with the reception to follow.”

“Yeah, sure. Of course,” Hailey said as she eyed the stack of bridal magazines that had taken up residence on their table.

 Alex got wind of it.

“Don’t worry about it Hailey. We said when the case wraps right?” Alex suggested.

“November 10^th,” she said.

“What” he asked in confusion.

“Let’s do it Nov 10^th. That is sort of our anniversary, right?” she said with a smile.

“You mean the night you finally let me pay for your dinner?” he laughed.

He stood up and hugged her. He didn’t want to let on how much it was bothering him that their engagement seemed to linger. He could finally tell his sisters that they were wrong. Hailey is the one.

“That gives us two months to plan,’ he said. “Will it drive you crazy if my family is involved?”

He didn’t know a lot about Hailey’s family. Only that her Dad was abusive in some ways and she didn’t have a strong connection like he did with his relatives.

“Sure, let them at it. I am not great at this stuff anyway. Just nothing too big.”

They continued to hug. Alex with a grin from ear to ear.

“I promise. Nothing crazy,” he assured.

Hailey let her body sit in his embrace, not actively responding, just thinking “this is good.”

“This is how it’s supposed to be,” her brain pressed on.

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Jay was completely reeling.

This couldn’t be happening.

It had been 7 interminable years. He had been through so much. He accepted his fate. He pushed the world away in the name of something greater than himself.

Now she just appears like a hallucinatory vision. She barely said a word out loud, yet he was left with a Dostoyevsky length transcript of their conversation shared through their eyes.

This could ruin everything.

He couldn’t let that happen.

He wouldn’t let it happen.

if it meant hurting her again that is exactly what he would do.

When he agreed to help with the case he thought it would be something to focus on. An opportunity to be in touch with the part of him that held a purpose, some meaning.

He hadn’t the foggiest clue his willingness to serve as a CI would bring them face to face once more.

The cruelty of it all was the popping of his bubble. To survive torturous situations your mind builds up defense mechanisms.

His was near silence. He rarely spoke, only when necessary to function within the inmate community.

While he couldn’t fully silence his mouth, he could his mind. That first 18 months were not easy. He experienced things that made his PTSD turbo charged. But he still held onto her, onto his family, and friends. They all still lived within his mind… they still appeared in his dreams.

Those unrequited dreams were costing him though. He realized that the few phone calls he eventually made to her only hurt her further. He wasn’t coming back. He couldn’t. But he also couldn’t tell her why. Those dreams kept him tethered to the outside world, when really, he needed to accept he no longer had a place out there.

The problem with letting dreams die, the cost of silencing the yearnful part of your soul, is that you are hallowed out from the inside.

Nothing of substance remains.

Like Langston Hughes said:

“Hold fast to dreams,

For if dreams die

Life is a broken-winged bird,

That cannot fly.”

Jay had to fight off the feeling seeing Hailey evoked.

But how do you confront the full measure of your dreams and walk away for a second time?

He would have to find a way.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A few days later:

Miles was on his laptop when he spoke up in their team meeting.

“Ryan is making inroads with Fred but nothing substantive yet. He asked not to visit him. It’ll make others suspicious if he suddenly has all these visitors. He gets a phone call on Saturdays and will update us when there is something to report,” Miles said matter of factly.

“I thought the cover of social workers and his attorney would take care of that,” Hailey said with some surprise.

“He asked us to stay back. I think we should respect it. Unless you think otherwise, boss?”

Kat jumped in, “he also suggested that we not snoop through his records. Many of the correctional officers are part of smuggling drugs in and out of the prison. If they see “social workers” snooping they may get suspicious.”

Hailey stewed with this information. She knew Jay. As dead as he was to her in theory, the DJ in her mind was spinning a different record.

He was pushing them away. He was keeping her away.

The bear of anger continued to stir in her stomach.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The night had finally come. Kim, Adam, and Makayla were in town, and they were all meeting up for dinner with Hailey and Alex.

At first Hailey wasn’t sure if she should include Alex. It had been ages since she connected with her Intelligence family. She was looking forward to catching up. Then at the last minute she felt this urge to introduce Alex to the world.

The first person Hailey saw walking in was Adam. His shit eating grin lit up his face. “Come here you,” he said reaching out his arm around Hailey. Kim quickly joined the group hug.

After a long hug Hailey pulled out with an astonished look on her face. “Wow, Makayla?” she asked the beautiful young woman standing by her parents.

“Yes, its me,” she grinned as Hailey pulled her in for a hug.

Hailey introduced Alex and the party of 5 had a lovely dinner catching up. Makayla had grown to be a beautiful and earnest young woman.

She was going to study pre-law at Georgetown and wanted to pursue a career as a public defender.

“A fuck you to her parents in the most awesome way possible,” Adam quipped.

“We arrest them. She defends them,” he added with a smirk towards his daughter.

Being together was nice. It took a minute for Alex to find his footing with the group but by the end of dinner he and Adam were laughing and finding common ground to bond over.

It was over dinner that Hailey learned the stroke Hank had a year ago didn’t keep him from working. He was still Sergeant, but his days were numbered. The brass were pushing for retirement.

Adam, Kim, and Kevin all had made detective over the past few years, and Adam ended up in Guns & Gangs. It proved to be a lot being married and working together. The change did him good as he assumed a leadership role in his new unit.

As the night widdled down to a close and everyone said their goodbyes, Kim pulled Hailey in for a hug.

“You and me tomorrow before you head to work?’ she suggested in Hailey’s ear.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kim was waiting for the coffee shop in Langley, VA. Hailey had a meeting with a CIA task force that morning.

They two former colleagues embraced and got down to business. Without the other company it was easier to dive into their natural rapport.

“Kim I can’t get over Makayla. She is amazing,” Hailey beamed.

“I know. Its crazy. It hasn’t always been easy. Adam and I will always have some ups and downs, but now that he is in another unit it has been great. We have space and our time together is about family and love, not everything else.”

“I am happy for you guys. You are such a solid unit,” Hailey smiled at her friend.

“And how about you?” Kim smirked. “Alex seems really nice.”

Hailey gave Kim a half eye-roll.

“What?” Kim said putting her hands in the air.

“Nice? Nice is what you say about the sweater your grandmother knitted for you as your Christmas gift.”

“Relax Hailey. I meant it. He seems like a good guy. Normal, nice, accomplished. Noone deserves happiness more than you.”

Hailey realized she perhaps came on a little too strong.

“Projecting much?’ Kim asked cupping her hand over Hailey’s.

She knew her friend. The whole time at dinner she sensed something was up. Sensed that while Alex couldn’t have been friendlier, her friend wasn’t truly at ease. The thing about working together as closely as they did is you know how to pick up on every subtlety.

Hailey sat in quiet for a moment trying to collect her thoughts. Before she could fully center herself, unintended words escaped from her mouth, “did you know about Jay?”

Kim was completely taken off guard by her friend’s question.

“What?” Kim asked.

“Did you know Jay’s whereabouts all this time?” Hailey asked.

“I don’t understand. We all know he has been in Bolivia or at least was for a while. I haven’t heard from him in forever…” Kim said trailing off.

“Someone had to know,” Hailey said as she could no longer control the overwhelming emotion.

Kim got up from across the table and sat down next to Hailey.

“Hailey what is this? Has something happened to Jay?” she asked, holding her friend with ferocious love.

The rage and pain Hailey held in had found a vessel for safe keeping. In Kim’s arms she could transfer her tension, even if only for a brief respite.

“I don’t know the details. At first, I thought maybe it was an undercover assignment, but it seems he has been in prison this whole time.”

Kim pulled out of their embrace for a moment.

‘What? Jay in prison? That doesn’t make any sense,” Kim said. As the words came out of her mouth, she realized nothing made sense regarding Jay since he left.

“I only had access to the top page of his file, but he has been in prison since November 2022.”

Hailey caught Kim up on the basics. The timeline and coincidental chain of events that led her a federal prison visiting inmate #4932678. She left out the part about their ten-minute silent non-verbal conversation. She left out the brutality of what being wrapped in his gaze did to her.

“You have to reach out to Hank,” Kim said with conviction.

“No,” Hailey said emphatically.

“He has lost a step or two out in the field, but he can help with this,” Kim said.

“I know he can. I just don’t know if I want him to…. I don’t know if I want to know,’ Hailey said in a whisper.

In that moment it hit Kim how insanely hard this must be for Hailey. She had a front row seat of what Jay did to his wife. Kim adored Jay. He was a true brother to her. She couldn’t believe it then and still struggled to accept that same man would hurt Hailey like he did.

“Ok just know that if you ever want to know, we will be there to help find answers and to support you.”

Hailey nodded in appreciation for her friend’s gentle understanding.

“I know you’ll tell Adam and Kevin. But please for now do not loop Hank in. I left Chicago on a good note with him. Jay ehhh it was complicated between them. I just can’t handle managing his feelings in all this too, you know?”

Kim understood. She’d go at Hailey’s pace.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As the weeks pressed forward. Hailey and Jay each went about their business.

Jay would reach out to Miles and Kat every Saturday. He was getting closer to Fred. Learned Veneno was responsible for the death of Fred’s brother. He wanted revenge. While Jay didn’t have anything they could move on yet, he was getting closer.

He fought hard to keep his head from going to daunting places. Some things are bigger than us, too powerful for any one man to control. No matter what he did the vision of Hailey sitting in that visitation booth would invade his mind.

These thoughts were dangerous – he had to stay sharp now that he was in general population. As the new guy out of protective custody he was a curiosity of his fellow inmates.

Truth be told the physical danger of thinking of Hailey was far less threatening than the emotional cost. The only reason he made it this far was because he learned to shut that part of his mind down; the part that longed, that dreamed, that desired. The possibility of its reemergence was a threat he could not afford to materialize.

Outside the prison walls life was moving ahead. Hailey watched as Alex’s sisters planned a beautiful wedding. What started as “small” grew to a guest list of 165. At least her Chicago family would be in attendance to help her through the day.

Her soon to be sisters in law tried to convince her to get a ball gown, but Hailey stood her ground by picking out the simplest dress in the shop.

Dotty and Chrissy were not into it at first but finally Chrissy said, “You know it’s very Carolyn Bessette Kennedy. Maybe with some long white gloves this could work.”

Hailey stepped up on the small podium with her pinned dress, veil, and fake bouquet of red roses. She looked in the mirror.

“Are you saying yes to the dress?” Chrissy, Dottie, and the saleswoman harmoniously asked.

A pit welled in her stomach. She didn’t fully recognize her reflection. It felt like this was the dress up fantasy of a little girl. It wasn’t her.

The red roses brought her back to a case she was working on with Jay when a florist’s abusive husband was involved with multiple robbery homicides. While undercover Jay purchased a bouquet of red roses from him and playfully handed them to Hailey in the back seat. The memory seared. She fought back the tears that were welling in her eyes.

“Oh Hailey you are crying. You are having your bridal moment!” Dottie screeched in happiness, not realizing that those were not tears of joy.

“The veil,” Hailey said softly.

The bridal attendant was the only one that seemed to recognize Hailey was overwhelmed.

The attendant came and took the veil off as Hailey turned and bent down to make it easier.

Taking a deep breath, “Fuck you Jay Halstead,” she thought to herself. As she turned back to the mirror.

“Yes. I am saying yes to the dress.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay didn’t call on the next Saturday like he had scheduled.

Miles and Kat tried to break his no visit request in order to see what was happening, but he refused the visit. They worked the correctional officer over with a factfinding charm offensive and he let slip that Ryan wasn’t feeling well.

The tension in the room was palpable. They were getting closer to a lead on Veneno via Ryan. His refusal for in person visits was a complication but not a deal breaker. But missing a call? Was this all falling apart?

“Boss, there is a loophole we can exploit if you want?” Fritz offered.

“When an inmate is infirmed, their lawyer doesn’t need permission for a visit. The idea being they aren’t in a position to make decisions for themselves, so their lawyer can step in. It might be a stretch, but flash them an Upton smile and I bet they just let you right in.”

Hailey was livid. Steam was coming out of her ears. How could he not call knowing they would be worried? This man had messed with her heart and mind enough to last a lifetime. No more. No goddamn more.

In truth she was scared something had happened. But acknowledging that would be admitting that he still mattered to her. No thanks. She preferred to lean into the safety of anger.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The cat calling was unnerving. Seeing the inside of the prison halls and the deplorable accommodations was bad enough. This wasn’t camp cupcake. Many of these inmates hadn’t seen a woman in the flesh in some time. So when a beautiful blonde lawyer made her way down the catwalk between the rows of cells it drew some attention.

They turned down an empty corridor. Most of the men living in that cell block were mercifully at lunch.

“He isn’t feeling too hot, just got out of the infirmary. Neighbors will be back soon. Keep it short,” the correctional officer implored.

They came up to a cell in the middle of the long block. Hailey took note of the tiny, depressing, accommodations - post it notes with numbers littered the walls. The bottom bed was empty. Jay who was just released from sick bay, was given permission to skip lunch, lay asleep on the top bunk.

Her hand flew up over her mouth as the shock of his condition caught her off guard.

“What happened? Is he ok?” she said in a hushed tone. Hailey was keenly aware that there were eyes and ears on her everywhere. Jay did not need details of his private situation aired out for all to hear.

A fresh black eye and casted arm were the visible injuries. Despite appearing to be sleeping deeply, his hands and mouth trembled slightly.

“Being such a pretty boy in prison means a lot of fighting off would be suitors. Let’s just leave it at that for now,” the guard said smugly like he knew something funny he didn’t want to share.

Hailey’s stomach churned. He had given up protective custody to help their case.

The guard banged on the bars with his baton, pulling Hailey out of her guilt-ridden rabbit hole.

“Wake up princess,” the guard chided.

The loud bang woke Jay abruptly. He instinctually sat up, grimacing as his head hit the ceiling and his aching ribs screamed out. He put his arms crisscross across his chest to relieve some of the pressure.

When he looked up he was utterly gob smacked to see her standing on the other side of the bars.

Was this another hallucination?

Jay closed his eyes for a second to reset. Blinking them open she was still right there within his grasp. If he dared to move off the bed he could touch her through the bars.

He searched his throbbing head for the right thing to say. He hadn’t uttered a word to her, well at least not in reality, in so long.

He looked at her pleading to go. No words were needed.

Hailey bit back her seething rage.  How dare he try to turn her away. “Are you ok?” she choked out.

He took a deep breath.

“Kelly please. You can’t be here,” he pleaded as the astonishment of her presence began to recede.

The tenderness in his voice was a gut punch. Hailey’s brain wanted to strangle him, while despite her protests, her traitorous heart wanted otherwise.

“I just need to know you are ok,” she said in a pleading whisper.

She looked at him like she had a thousand times before. With concern, with desire to help, with this mystical understanding.

He couldn’t deny her in this moment.

“I am ok. Just a little banged up. I meant to call, really, I just…” he said softly.

Hailey stepped as close to the bars as she could. The metal pressing against her head. She got it. Of course he didn’t call, he was attacked and incapacitated.

She whispered as loudly as she could, “I’ll make you a deal. I will leave as you ask, but you have to stop refusing visitors.”

He took in her words as he looked at her.

The softness in his eyes would bring down the most stoic among us.

Hailey couldn’t believe how weak in the knees she became. She was tough, grizzled law enforcement. Nothing could bend her.

“I’ll meet with my social workers, ok?” he whispered back.

Hailey probably should have been offended by his compromise. He’d accept their visits, but not hers.

But there was something in how he looked at her.

It wasn’t pleading. It wasn’t uncaring. It wasn’t angry.

No it was none of those things.

It was pure unadulterated love. He was asking her out of love.

He was asking her, in spite of the ocean of pain between them, to trust that his request was coming from somewhere good and true.

Hailey nodded in acceptance of their compromise. “Take care of yourself, Ryan.”

He watched as she turned and walked away out of his line of sight, taking the sliver of his heart that still remained with her.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The rest of the day was difficult.

Hailey was angry that she let her weakness show. She betrayed her profound need to protect herself from hurt. She vowed to get it under control.

That night at dinner while Alex was knee deep in talking about the promotion he was up for Hailey knew what had to come next.

She let him finish up and smiled in affirmation. She wasn’t entirely sure why he wanted this promotion. It would take him entirely out of field work and turn him into a smile for the camera bureaucrat. But he liked the attention and prestige in a way that didn’t speak to Hailey.

“Alex, there is something I need to tell you.”

He sensed an air of seriousness in her tone.

“What’s up Hailey?” he asked as he put a fork full of pasta into his mouth.

“You know the Veneno case we are working on? Well it has taken some unexpected turns,” she started.

“Yeah, how so?” He knew as well as anyone that most cases never go as smoothly as expected.

“Well turns out that one of the CI’s I am working with is my ex-husband. Jay,” she said directly trying to just spit it out before she chickened out.

Alex’s eyes widened a bit. He knew Hailey had an ex from her Chicago days. He knew she didn’t like to talk about him much aside from saying that they weren’t on the same page in life with his deployments, so they divorced.

Only in that moment did he realize he didn’t really know much about her past in general.

“How did that come to be? Didn’t you say he was in the military or something?”

“He was. The case is classified so I can’t get into too many details. I am not really working with him much… the team are his point of contact. But I just thought you should know.”

“Oh ok. This is weird, huh?” he said trying to figure out how to process the information maturely.

“Yeah I guess. But like I said I probably won’t see him again. Hopefully we can get a good lead and move on.”

Alex accepted Hailey at face value.

Their professional reality shouldn’t be a secret. There was nothing more to it than that.

She took him be the hand and lured him into their bed. The horizontal mambo was a method of distraction and release as old as time.

Telling Alex felt right. It allowed her to put Jay in the little box in her memory where he belonged, the little box where he locked himself by giving up on their love.

Before she could look away for good there was something she needed to settle in her mind.

Later that night Hailey sent a text to Kim, Adam, and Kevin.

“I think I am ready to know.”

Chapter Text

The musty and poorly lit space didn’t bother Jay.

He was grateful to finally be on library rotation duty that month.  It meant he could be alone in his thoughts and retreat to the escapism of a good book.

The books he read took him to Egypt, Australia, China, and many other destinations around the world. They took him to the beaches of Normandy, Stalin’s bunkers, and the peak of Mt. Everest. He got to know the likes of Winston Churchill, Gandhi, Susan B. Anthony, and Harriet Tubman.

The library was Jay’s ticket out of prison and into the realms of history and the outside world. While his body was stuck in a locked box, his mind could partake in spirited wanderlust.

In the three prisons that housed Jay these past years, he would always angle for library duty whenever he could. It was there he’d find a peaceful quiet.

His solitary cell in protective custody was too quiet, while general population was louder than anything he had ever experienced.

In the library, the alchemy of hushed tones and all the wisdom of the world at his fingertips was pitch perfect.

Jay could be locked into his own silence for the most part. The only times he had to speak were helping inmates check out a book or tutoring those that came to learn to read.

 He had never been a teacher before, but it was the only opportunity prison allowed him to partake in gentle interaction. For a few hours a day, four times a week that month, he had somewhere to turn that wasn’t loneliness.

Have you ever tried to talk to loneliness? It is often full of sorrow.  Little known to those that do not spend a lot of time in that space, loneliness also is a fertile ground for questions, stories, and the innermost workings of your mind.

In the last 7 years, loneliness was Jay’s only true companion.

So much of prison is about dispossessing you of your autonomy, your independence, your humanity.

It was unnatural for a man to live in a cage.

It was unnatural to be at the mercy of other caged men that held all the rage, disappointment, and confusion that came with being stripped of all that you are.

It was unnatural to have to bend to the whims of correctional officers that far too often enjoyed wielding power for their own gain or amusement.

If you were a nonviolent person, in order to survive you had to resort to violence. If you were a  kind-hearted person, you had to go against your nature in order to avoid the death sentence label of weakness.

Life outside prison walls moved forward with natural rhythm. In prison, time stood still, taking away man’s natural compass of time. It was like a clock on the wall that stopped ticking. Sure it was right twice a day, but stagnant all the rest.

Jay accepted all of this. He would not have been able to live with the alternative choice.

As any living being would do in survival mode, Jay clung to the one thing prison could not take away. His ability to give.

Helping these strangers learn to read was the only form of self-care he could access. 

Sometimes the best in humankind comes from a broken place within us. Jay could not receive the love he needed to heal, but helping these men was a balm to his broken sense of self.

This act of giving was the last tether he had to the man he used to be, as much of Jay Halstead was erased by the cruel strokes of long-term imprisonment.

So, when the group of men that had assaulted him the prior week- leaving him concussed with a busted cheekbone, broken wrist, and bruised ribs- came into the library, invaded his special place, it felt like a gut punch.

They sought things from him he didn’t want to give.

Those things had been taken from him many times in the Pennsylvania prison.

He would fight to the death before letting it happen yet again.

The prison system labeled him violent and problematic. With no interest in acknowledging the nuance survival in these circumstances necessitated.

Some circumstances reduce a man to their base level of existence to protect the last shreds of humanity that remain.

Therefore, despite knowing the guards would punish him harshly, he fought.

Despite knowing he would lose his beloved rotation on library duty, he fought.

Despite the fact that everything that made him whole had been taken away, he still fought.

For in the end, in spite of all of his pain, the fighter in Jay Halstead still remained.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey was at home with Alex when a text from Kim came in. Can you jump on an encrypted call in ten minutes?

She looked at Alex who was on a conference call with some of the DEA leadership he was trying to get promoted to, and texted Kim back, “yes, send me the link.”

Kevin was the first to appear on the screen. Hailey’s face lit right up at the sight of her old friend.

“Kev!!! she beamed.

“Man are you a sight for sore eyes,’ he said a little emotional about seeing his beloved friend.

Adam and Kim appeared seconds later.

Hailey could tell by the look on Kim’s face they had something.

“Niceties for later, busines first?” Adam asked.

Hailey took a deep breath and nodded ready for whatever they had to share.

“Ok so just like you when we first looked into Ryan Clarke we hit a strange wall. I’ve never seen a file with this many redactions. I get redacting names or a few key notes, but full transcripts? The crime he was convicted of? Why he was transferred twice? Health issues during incarceration? This is nuts. Something doesn’t smell right,” Adam said convincingly.

“We know you can’t look into his records without alerting prison officials. But we could,” Kevin smirked.

“Ryan, sorry Jay. It’s gonna take a minute to get used to this,” Adam started.

“Jay only had 5 visits over the course of 7 years. Luckily prison visiting logs cannot be redacted, all 5 visits were by the same person. Never a lawyer, not even once,” he added.

This certainly was odd. Usually a lawyer would visit here and there to check in and update on appeal and parole options etc.

“Who was it?” Hailey asked, hands sweaty and unsteady as she silently begged for it not to be the one person she feared.

Kim cleared her throat. “Walker North. FBI.”

Hailey battled to retain the ache of hearing that name. She saw the look of angst on Kim’s face.

Walker North was the FBI special agent that looked into the Roy Walton murder. As far as Kim, Adam, and Kevin were concerned he moved on from their unit when leads took him elsewhere.

While they did not know the truth of how Roy disappeared, they were no fools. The timing of Jay’s departure and now the discovery of his only contact to the outside world, the pieces were coming together.

“You want us to come out there and interrogate this asshole?” Adam said with real emotion.

Hailey was shaken. When she first realized Jay was in prison for murder, falsifying evidence, and obstruction of justice her gut went right to the scariest place possible.

Had Jay taken the fall for her and Hank? Did she get it all wrong?

She shook off the potential devastation. It was too soon to jump to conclusions.

“No, No. I have this. Keep digging. I will talk to North.”

Continuing to peel back the layers of this case and keeping Jay in his locked box was not going to be easy. She was up for the challenge.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was Jay’s third fight in 2 weeks. That earned him a one-way ticket to the hole after the infirmary.

The hole was punishment for bad behavior. Really bad behavior. Meant only for the worst of the worst.

In Jay’s case, his bad behavior involved cracking another inmate’s skull with his cast.

It didn’t matter that he was valiantly trying to fend off another rape. It didn’t matter that he was doing what any man would do under those circumstances.

All that mattered was that the guards knew Jay had a reputation from his Pennsylvania prison stint. Jay saw the flow of drugs in and out of prison and tried to curb the activity. All the drugs did was further addict inmates and enrich the correctional officers. Acting on his nature turned out to be a grave mistake as he hadn’t realized the warden himself was profiting the most.

He lost all his privileges. He received beat downs from prisoners and guards alike. He had an X on back and his reputation as a rabble rouser followed him from prison to prison.

The warrior in him instinctively would defend the weak. But in prison having a conscious often made you weak.

So when the correctional officers were writing their report, they did not include what they knew to be true. They simply wrote a physical altercation occurred and Jay was listed equally with his attackers.

The irony of the injustice in the justice system was cruel and unusual.

The next 4 days were spent in a dark solitary cell. Food was pushed through a slot on the bottom of the door.

Once again Jay was left to confront his profound solitude.

The first 48 hours were tough. There he lay bleeding from the font and behind, victimized yet again.

They laughed while they did it. That was until he fought back so hard he knocked two of them right out. It didn’t matter, the damage they did to his psyche was worse.

He had promised himself he’d never let someone rape him again, and he failed. The strength he relied on throughout his life wasn’t enough anymore. He had become the weak one that needed defending in a place where no one could fulfill that role.

During his time in the hole a nurse came in every 8 hours to check his stitches and give him fresh padding and guaze. At one of the wellness checkups he was curled up asleep in the corner on the floor. The nurse gently came to check in. Jay was startled and threw up his casted arm in a defensive posture.

“I just need to see if you are ok,” the nurse said with compassion. Sensing how much his patient was suffering physically and emotionally, the nurse tried to be gentle and kind as he asked Jay to lay on his stomach so he could check and clean his sutures that resulted from the sexual assault. The last thing he needed was an infection.

The nurse’s words broke his line of defense. They brought him back to Hailey whispering a similar phrase to him through his cell bars.

Maybe he was just too vulnerable to block her out this time or maybe he was at a point where he couldn’t fight the natural place she owned in his soul, but for the first time in years he allowed her to sit beside him.

It wasn’t only loneliness that he spoke to this time, it was Hailey.

He imagined jumping off his bed and running to her arms through the bars of his cell that day she visited.

He imagined spilling his guts, and telling her why he did it, and that he loved her more than he loved himself.

He imagined begging for her forgiveness for all the pain he caused and promising to earn her trust one day at a time, one act of devotion at a time.

Oh, this luxury he allowed himself was dangerous.

He knew he was a fool for permitting this hopeful reverie to dance in his mind.

It could never come true. He couldn’t share this with anyone.

No, this was just for him.

With new stitches on his face and backside threatening to pull him back to reality, he’d just close his eyes, calm his mind, and open his heart to the only companion he’d ever need.

Visions of her.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She stood outside of Quantico in the sharpest suit she owned. Hailey went for high heels and a dark red lip. She meant business and looked the part.

The mighty and vaunted complex that housed the training for Marines, FBI, and DEA elites was a formidable structure. Maybe that was the point. Psyche everyone out before they even enter the building.

She went through the hardcore security and found herself sitting in an office face to face with the man that tried to bring her and Hank down all those years ago.

“What can I do for you Director Upton? Impressed how you have climbed the ladder by the way,” he said sort of asserting that if it wasn’t for him backing off her case she wouldn’t be here.

“You know why I am here,” she said with an iciness that could have cut steel.

“You know Director Upton; you don’t make it to where you are without being smart. Part of being smart is knowing when to walk away,” he said meeting her coldness with the same temperature.

“Why is Jay Halstead in jail?” she asked plainly.

After a long silence she continued.

“Why did you visit him in jail 5 times over the past 7 years?” she asked bitterly as she threw the copies of the various prison logs on his desk.

“Why is nearly his entire file redacted and classified by the FBI?” she pressed now leaning her palms on his desk.

North smiled and met her glare eye to eye.

“Have you ever heard the adage ‘don’t ask questions you do not want answers to?’” he began.

“It’s short and sweet but it’s a general truth that gets the message across don’t you think?” he added with a smirk so smug it took everything in her to hold herself back from wiping it off his face.

“You are wrong. I want to know. He is up for parole in a few weeks. How can he fight for it when everything is shrouded in secrecy?” Hailey bit back.

“You don’t want to know the truth,” he answered sharply.

“I can handle whatever that file says. I won’t let this go. Please help me. One way or the other the truth will come out,” she said with an air of confidence in her tone.

“Leave it alone Upton. If you want to help him…if you truly care about him… you will leave it alone.”

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Miles and Kat came to visit the Sunday after Jay was released from solitary confinement.

While they watched him awkwardly jostled into the chair and hooked up to the counter, Miles whispered to his partner, “he’s not looking good.”

Kat waited for the guards to be out of ear shot and picked up the phone.

“Hey, Ryan. How are you holding up?”

His speech was a little slurred from the stitches holding together his split lip. “Maybe not the best day for a photo op, but I’m fine,” he said convincing no one.

“I am assuming you haven’t had much time with Fred this week,” Kat surmised to him out loud.

“Yeah not much but enough to have something for you guys to look into.”

Kat looked at Miles with a little intrigue.

“So Fred has these post it’s all over the wall with numbers. I didn’t really know what to make of it until I was lying in the hole with nothing but time. It clicked that they are postal codes. I recognized one from Chicago. I memorized as many as I could. Maybe you guys can look into it to see if there is some sort of pattern?” Jay asked.

Kat scribbled down the dozen or so zip codes Jay had memorized. She was impressed at his skill and memory.

“OK let us dig in on this. We will be back next week,” she said.

Miles took the phone out of her hand. “Hey man, is there anything we can do for you? To help?”

Jay closed his eyes for a brief moment. ”Thanks. I’ll be ok. I have all that I need.”

Miles didn’t really know what to make of that. He accepted the answer.

They packed up and prepared to leave. Watching Ryan walk away was a little painful. He hobbled like something was stopping him from walking properly. It wasn’t the ankle cuffs, they were used to seeing that.

“Poor bastard,” he said to Kat as they saw Ryan disappear from view.

-----------------------------------------

Hailey’s finger hovered over her the name “the lesser Halstead brother” for several minutes. Jay had entered Will’s number into Hailey’s phone ages ago that way and she never changed it. At the time she rolled her eyes at her partner never revealing how it made her smile every time she saw it since.

Hailey hadn’t corresponded with Will in years and she wasn’t really sure why calling him seemed like the right thing to do right now. Something drew her to him.

When her finger finally hit the green call circle, she immediately regretted it, and quickly hung up.

Less than a minute later her phone lit up with an incoming call from none other than ‘the lesser Halstead brother.’

“Shit,” she thought. Hailey had hoped the call didn’t go through on his end after her quick hang up. She was wrong.

“Will, hi.”

“Hailey? It has been so long I wasn’t if this was a butt dial,” he mused.

“Uh, yeah sorry about that.” Deep breath. “How are you? How have you been?” she asked trying to seem sincerely engaged when really this was making her super uncomfortable.

“Oh man I mean that is a loaded question. We are good. I am in Seattle. Loving the Pacific North West.”

“How are you? I heard you moved to DC a while back. How is being in the belly of the federal government beast?”

“Yeah, you know it’s good. Interesting,” she said knowing how lame and shallow she sounded.

“Hailey its really good to hear from you. You don’t have to stand on ceremony. We are… well you know we will always be family,” he said with a little catch in his throat.

“Will, I’m sorry. I don’t really know why I called. I guess I was thinking of Chicago. Wanted to see how you were doing.”

“Is this about Jay?” Will asked. “Have you heard from him?” Will said letting a glimmer of hope in his voice escape.

Hailey was at a loss. Jay had barely said a word to her but based on his call log and visitor log Will had no idea of his whereabouts either. She could tell in Jay’s eyes he felt he needed to do this alone. She didn’t want to betray his non-verbal request.

Her silence answered the question for Will.

“Look Hailey I don’t know what to say. He has missed everything. He missed my wedding. He is missing Owen growing up. He doesn’t even know he has another nephew.”

His words struck her like a bolt of guilt. She knew exactly how Will felt. She knew it was possible to love someone immensely while simultaneously feeling angrily betrayed and left by them. In spite of all that, for some reason she felt it wasn’t her place to reveal to Will his brother’s fate.

Not yet anyway.

“I’m sorry Will. You know I understand and wish things were different….”

Will wistfully said, “Jay called once in all this time on Owen’s birthday when I first moved out here. It was from an obstructed number which I couldn’t call back. He talked to Owen saying all the typical uncle I love you and I’m proud of you stuff. I got on the line when Owen was done, and it seemed like Jay was being ushered off the phone. He said ‘I love you brother. Lean into your beautiful family, never let them go.’”

“It was weird like he was saying goodbye. “

Hailey swallowed hard.

“Would you send me a picture of your family? You, Natalie, Owen, and… sorry what is your son’s name? I didn’t even ask!” she said blushing a little. Will could hear it through the phone.

“Oh its Jason,” Will said softly.

He heard Hailey take a calming breathe as if she was trying to process what that name meant before saying anything more.

“Oh man sorry. That punk brother of mine, no matter what I love him, you know? It was Nat’s idea. The name means healer and that just felt right- given who he was, I mean is, given who Jay is and given what Nat and I do professionally… I guess she knew I’m a bit lost without my little brother. So she found a way to keep him here with us even if he never comes back,” he said the crack in his voice in full display now.

“Jase is 2.5. He lights up the house,” he added as Hailey received the picture he sent.

Her heart skipped a beat. “Will he has your amazing hair! And look at his eyes!!!” she beamed. He had the same green eyes as his uncle Jay.

“Yeah its uncanny how much Halstead this kid got.”

“I’m glad you called Hailey. No matter what I will always be here for you if you let me,” Will said wiping away tears. He hadn’t cried about his brother falling off the face of the earth in sometime.

“Yeah, me too. You guys ever need anything don’t hesitate to reach out.”

After the call she took a few deep cleaning breaths. It was comforting to connect with Jay’s big brother. He understood better than most what it was to live a full life with part of you languishing in the unknown.

Close to being overcome with emotion, she reminded herself of what Jay did to her and what she went through to get to this stable place in life. She’d have to keep reminding herself.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey’s DEA task force didn’t really know what was going on with their boss. She was always on point, sharp, and professional.

Lately she just hasn’t been herself.

When they went to fill her in on their concerns about Ryan’s physical state she put her hand up, “stick to the facts leading us to Veneno. I don’t need updates on every little thing.”

It was harsh and abrupt. Frankly, they thought it was kind of cold. Here was this guy putting his neck on the line to help their case and she couldn’t be bothered to hear about the attacks he was enduring?

They had no idea their supervisor was fighting a monstrous inner battle from within to keep “Ryan Clarke” out of her heart and mind. Hearing about him could tip the scales in a way she couldn’t afford.

“About the case…” Hailey said gesturing her hands for them to move along.

“Ok, yeah, so Ryan memorized these 12 postal codes:”

75051

47808

48007

48278

46226

63005

60606

63119

73017

74571

74222

78016

Chapter Text

--------------------------------------------------------------

The floors squeaked loudly as his shoes made their way across the freshly cleaned floors.

“Good morning, Nancy.”

“Morning, Walker. Joey had a good night last night. Slept from 8- 6!” she answered as Walker North headed toward his brother’s room.

His brother Joey had overdosed on heroine nearly 8 years ago. He had been arrested and was forced to detox cold turkey. That worked for about a month and then he went on a terrible bender. The overdose was pretty bad, and he almost died.

While it was a miracle he pulled through the brain damage was irreversible. He’d need round the clock nursing care for the rest of his life. Walker tried to take care of him at home with home help aids, but after 5 months it became pretty clear a nursing home would be a better fit for everyone.

He felt terribly guilty for committing his brother to a facility. Every morning at 630 AM before heading into the office, he would visit and help with breakfast.

“Come on Joey its oatmeal. You like oatmeal,” Walker begged as his brother just stared off at the ceiling.

After 20 minutes of coaxing the nurse came in and gave Joey a meal through his feeding tube. Walker had been convinced they could get him to get his calories on his own that morning.

When it was time to head into the office he kissed Joey on the forehead. “I love you. Have a good day,” he said knowing he would now get a response.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey was in shock seeing Erin Lindsay standing in her office. It took a minute, but she finally regained her composure.

“Hank?” Hailey asked.

“Yeah. You know he usually only calls on birthdays and Christmas,” Erin smiled.

“Is this really it?” Hailey asked glancing down at the file.

“Yes this is it,” she said changing her smile to a more serious posture.

Hailey looked down at the incredibly thick tome before her.

Erin took off her suit jacket and rolled up her sleeves.

“Any place to get a decent cup of coffee around here?” she asked while eyeing the file.

“Erin, you don’t have to you. Getting the file was more than enough,” Hailey assured.

Erin smiled. “I’ll be back with some snacks soon.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Erin ran down to the lobby to grab some food to eat. She knew Hailey was struggling with whether to read the file. Erin wanted to give her former colleague a minute to sit with her thoughts.

This was strange for her. She had loved Jay and always would, but she had to leave Chicago to have any chance of breaking free from her mother, and the tailspin working for Hank Voight can induce. She and Jay were so young, and both had some growing up to do.

So much had happened in the decade since she had left. She hurt him badly. They had both moved on but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a soft spot in your heart always. And it doesn’t mean you still don’t carry gratitude for what someone gave you as well as regret for how you treated them.

A chance for a little redemption was a tasty little morsel hard to resist.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay was taken off library duty and assigned mopping duty. His fight in the library led to the collapse of several bookcases and damage to some furniture.

He would have to help “pay” for the damage by doing extra work then normally assigned.

While unglamorous and disgusting, it didn’t bother him. As sad as it was, Jay had really checked out of living and feeling. His robotic nature was the only way to get through whatever time he had left in prison. How he would reboot after so much solitude? Well he’d worry about that if and when the time came.

“Hey baby face,” a guard yelled out from down the hall. “The soup vat spilled in the kitchen. Jay would be nursing his injuries for a while and was walking gingerly at best. “Hurry now, that mess isn’t going to clean itself,” the guard said as he smacked Jay on his backside.

Jay walked into the kitchen. It was a bit chaotic with the cooks all prepping lunch as they sidestepped the mess at their feet.

“There,” a cook pointed to the heart of the matter.

Jay nodded and began the task of cleaning the giant mess on the floor. He noticed Fred and a few guards in a panic trying to move big vats of sugar away from the liquid creeping across the floor and into the storage room.

There was a sharp tension between the men that he thought it was odd.

“Clarke! Focus on your chore. Clean it up, boy,” a guard yelled.

Jay put his head down and got to work.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

As Erin gave her a little space, Hailey sat at her desk staring at the file. Finally, at her fingertips lay the answers she has been desperate to hear. This was the final step needed in order to truly close the door to Jay forever.

The minutes ticked by and her eyes burrowed into the top layer file tab, taking in every crease, smudge, and slight bend. While she knew some of what lay beneath that thick outer file cover, opening it and possibly confirming her worst suspicions was a whole other story.

The last 7 years were real. What she went through was profoundly difficult. Rising from the ashes Jay had left behind was no easy feat—she did it. She emerged anew.

While all she wanted was to know, perhaps what she really needed was not to know?

After all, knowing what transpired since Jay walked out of their apartment threatened to hold a weight impossible to carry.

As such, Hailey sat staring at the file. Daring herself to open it.

Contemplating the need for self-preservation by not opening it.

Jay had vanished from their lives. It was clear there was so much he didn’t want anyone to know.

She had spent years of her life putting the pieces back together. If knowing the truth was what she needed to fully move forward in life then fuck what he would want. Right?

And yet, on some level she still felt an instinct to honor his wishes.

He ran from her. He ran from Will. He seemingly ran from everyone that harbored love and concern.

Would he be comfortable with her unwrapping his story?

In Hamilton we are asked, “who tells your story? Hailey was grappling with whether or not Jay’s story should be told.

There was no right or wrong answer. Whatever was decided that would be the story, including all the ramifications of keeping it quiet or revealing its truths.

Luckily for Hailey, someone else made the decision.

Erin came back in carrying two coffees and oodles of packaged food.

“Come on,” Erin said pulling her chair closer. “You are too close to this. We need some back-up.”

-----------------------------------------------------

Jay gasped for air as he tried to do his sit ups and squats repetition. Planks were out of the question with his casted arm, and really the other movements weren’t much better for his additional injuries. But Jay had to move to preserve any semblance of sanity.

He held his ribs tightly as he coughed painfully and ignored the shooting pains from his surgery.

Fred rolled over on his bed. “Yo, man, you sound like shit.”

“You are the one that gave me this cold,” he said wincing as he stood up.

Fred blew into a tissue as he nodded and laughed. “Sorry my man. We all got this fall bug.”

Jay leaned on the metal bunk frame as he observe Fred staring off at the post it notes of various zip codes.

He began to wrack his brain for what was in that Chicago zip code. It was a pretty depressing part of the city. Nothing but abandoned warehouses, some auto-repair shops and a dumpy diner that catered to the staff working in the foreboding local federal prison.

“Holy shit,” he thought. All this time accepted that the intuition he had developed over the years as a Ranger and police detective had been erased. It is true he had to shut it down eventually when he realized it caused more problems than it helped in prison.

Right there something unlocked the box that he thought was forever closed. Maybe a little piece of Jay Halstead remained.

---------------------------------------------------

Hailey sent a text to Hank. “We have to tell them,” was all she needed to write. Kim, Adam, and Kevin would be blindsided by the realization that Hailey killed Roy and kept it from all this time.

She prayed she was wrong. But she knew. Hank knew. They spent the past 7 years distancing themselves from the memories of Jay and the man he was. They both knew that they were wrong to do that. They both knew painful truths were about to be revealed – perhaps Jay hadn’t changed and had been hiding in plain sight. They were in too deep of denial to have seen it.

Telling the team now was way too late. Despite the cruelness of the timing, she felt even a few hours heads up would be better than nothing.

“On it,” he replied as she looked up to see her team filing into the room.

Erin looked at her and nodded.

“Um, ah, we have access to a confidential file from the FBI. It’s the full story of Ryan Clarke, “ Hailey began.

Kat spoke first. “Wow, it would be great to understand the mysterious one’s motives. Help guide him.”

“We know his motives,” Hailey said looking down.

“We do?” Kat answered.

Erin chimed in, “he did it because it’s the right thing to do. He did it because he genuinely wants to stop the proliferation of tainted heroine. That’s true to his character. Always has been.”

Miles laughed. “How could you know it’s true to his character? Sure that’s what he said but no one sticks their neck out like he has just because it’s the right thing to do.”

“Jay would,” Hailey whispered still with her eyes down to the ground.

“Jay?” Miles asked confused.

Ooof this was hard. Saying it out loud was one step closer to the truthful revelation.

Mustering Jay’s goodness gave her the courage to look up and face them.

“Ryan Clarke is an alias. His name is Jay Halstead. He is my ex-husband.”

Shock crossed all three of her team member’s faces. What did their boss just say?

After what felt like an interminable minute, Erin broke the heinous tension.

“Look, we need to know why Jay is sitting in a federal prison. It may be a matter of life or death. We may be able to help get him out. We may be able to better guide him as a CI if we understand why he is there,” Erin said trying to channel their focus.

“You don’t know Jay Halstead. But we do. He’s a good man. Good police. And he needs our help,” Erin added.

“Chicago Intelligence is awaiting our briefing so they can run with it. They will focus on helping Jay. We will focus on nailing Veneno,” she said firmly.

“Hailey and I, and the intelligence team are all a little too close to this. We need you to read through his file and provide a summary with pertinent details by 9AM tomorrow. They are all flying in from Chicago tonight.”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Kat, Miles, and Fritz were in total shock. Hailey and Erin were pretty matter of fact about the whole thing. No room for follow questions.

As ordered, they spent the night pouring over documents. No one went home or slept. The more they dug into his file the more intrigued and disturbed they became. This wasn’t right.

The air of mystery around their supervisor was as confusing as ever. Now they had to reveal to her some hard personal truths. Awkward didn’t begin to cover it.

Intelligence, Trudy, and Adam arrived at Hailey’s office at 8 am. Hailey hadn’t slept the night before and was sporting dark circles and a nervous tick.

They embraced quietly. The whole team now knew about Roy Walton’s fate and how Hailey, Hank, and eventually Jay came to play a part in the cover up.

Hailey struggled to find the words to say to Kim especially. “Kim, I am so sorry. Sorry it happened, sorry we never told you.”

Kim herself was still reeling from the news. So much time had passed. What upset her most was that her work family knew all along and never told her. She understood logically their rationale it did make sense. It just didn’t make the sting of them not trusting her with the information hurt less.

Kim hugged her back. She knew Jay’s imprisonment was connected to Roy Walton and Walker North. That alone was ripe with guilt and immense sadness. Trying to parse out all her feelings right now was an impossible task.

“I know,” she answered generously. “We all are.” Kim herself was filled with anxiety about what happened to Jay and if she is connected in anyway. This was all too much.

Hailey hugged, Adam, Kevin, Dante, Trudy. They all flew in a day earlier than planned. The wedding was just days away, changing their flights was easy.

Hank stood off in the corner. Hailey could tell he was struggling. They all were grappling with what the morning would bring and how they would handle it.

It was the first time they had seen each other in years. They smiled at one another as a way of saying it’s good to see you.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey’s team finalized their report and Miles went to the printer to retrieve the dozen copies he inputted.

The files were passed around the table.

“After you read them we will destroy them. We don’t want any evidence of tampering with the FBI file on record,” Miles said.

Each one of them looked at one another. It was like being at a buffet and not knowing when to start eating. Waiting for someone to get things going as a green light to begin.

Adam took the lead and turned the cover page and began to read. Everyone else followed suit. The 20-page report felt heavy in their hands, laden by the weight of what lay on the ink-stained pages.

They were trained to read reports quickly. Key words and sentences jumped out, revealing what became of their friend:

“October 11^th, 2022, Staff Sergeant Jay Halstead was visited by Special Agent Walker North at  Lazlo military base outside of La Paz, Bolivia.”

“Several meetings were documented over the following weeks leading to Staff Sergeant Halstead signing a confession and plea deal on the 2^nd of November 2022.”

“In exchange for a plea of guilty to the murder of Roy Walton and the subsequent cover up, the FBI would drop all charges against Sergeant Hank Voight, Detective Hailey Upton, Officer Kevin Atwater, Officer Kimberley Burgess, and Officer Adam Ruzek regarding the Roy Walton case, as well as several other charges listed against the officers from other cases involving the Intelligence team at the 21^st District in Chicago.”

“Staff Sergeant Halstead would serve 7-10 years in prison for murder and obstruction of justice.”

“Special stipulation that the name on his record be changed to Ryan Clarke. Part of the plea deal included an agreement to abide by that. Only Walker North and the defendant’s lawyer knew of this arrangement.”

“Note, unusual terms for plea deal:

1.Any attempt to appeal his case or actively seek parole would null and void the agreement.

2.Any discussion of his case with anyone would null and void the agreement.

2.Any contact with anyone from the outside world for any circumstances would null and void the agreement. He was only permitted to speak to two people outside of the prison walls; Special Agent North and his attorney.”

“Prisoner Halstead was first housed in a federal prison in Pennsylvania. There he was involved in 49 documented altercations.”

“Evidence of sexual assault in at least 12 of those instances. Prisoner was uncooperative when questioned so only medical examination confirmed. Possible more sexual violations occurred.”

­­­

“According to his transfer records he was labeled “incorrigible.” In prison terms that means no means of deterrence or punishment changed the amount of misbehavior. He needed to be imprisoned somewhere with stron­­­­­­­ger security and repercussions for his actions.”

“All the notes point to the fact that he was good looking and quiet, which annoyed and intrigued some prisoners. It was noted that it became a game amongst the prisoners to see who could get “the pretty one.”

“Notes suggesting prisoner got on the guards’ bad side somehow.  “Sticking his nose where it doesn’t belong,” came up more than once throughout his file.”

“Prisoner was transferred after 11 months to another federal prison in Indiana known for dealing with difficult inmates. There he had some issues but far less then Pennsylvania. The more rigorous security apparatus and strict expectations kept things quiet. That is until 4.5 years into his time there when behavioral issues and altercations began again.”

“Prisoner spent significant time in what they call time-out spaces—notoriously harsh circumstances to try to scare inmates straight. He was then consigned to nearly 6 months in the prison hospital recovering from a near fatal beating.”

“Several pages in file missing. Unknown how prisoner ended up there.”

“Extensive injuries. Cracked skull, broken ribs, broken collarbone, broken left leg and left arm, and additional physical trauma. Prisoner had many surgeries and was kept sedated for a few weeks before spending the next several months in the hospital recovering.

“Once he was deemed healthy enough to leave the hospital, prisoner was transferred to where he is imprisoned now, North Branch Correctional Institution known for being a high tech, “hyper max” prison.”

“Primarily houses violent felons with long term sentences. There he was put in a version of protective custody as a way to manage his and I quote, ‘proclivity for fighting with others.’ From what the file says he was in solitary confinement 22-23 hours a day.”

 “Once DEA task force arranged for him to be in general population these last few weeks there were a few altercations.”

“Gang raped violently.”

“Tears, fissures, and blunt trauma exacerbating old injuries, requiring surgery. Broken arm. Concussion. Facial contusions and swelling.”

“Anti-viral meds prescribed to avoid transmission of STD’s.”

“Prisoner caused a skull fracture to another inmate during altercation.”

“Prisoner put on aggressive behavior modification plan including increased restraint and supervised socialization opportunities.”

­­­­­Then came the pictures. Despite the 20-page report the seasoned team of blue read the file in minutes. If it was the facts laid out that ripped out their hearts, then it was the graphic photos that broke them completely.

­­Photos of Jay being cuffed in his fatigues and transferred to a military transport plane.

His steadfast resolve written across his face.

Dozens of photos over the course of many years of Jay in prison and in prison infirmaries viciously beaten. Bruises. Swelling. Lacerations. Wounds. Deformities.

Photos of Jay in a coma. Casted. Tubed. Injected. Taped. Bandaged. Cuffed to the bed.

One photo was especially painful to see. It was of Jay sitting in a wheelchair. He was strapped in a five-point harness facing the corner of a room, suggesting how weak he was at that point. Despite his bandage wrapped head and visibly battered body, the most unsettling part was his blank stare at the white wall. It was him and it wasn’t him. They were searching his face trying to find their brother in the emptiness that enveloped his frame.

­­­­­­

His vacant eyes told a painful story. Something had broken him.

More photos of Jay in the new prison in Maryland sitting on the floor in the corner and evidently rotting away in his excruciatingly tiny cell.

If loneliness was tangible you would find that picture in every dictionary describing its innate sorrow.

When he was finally done Adam looked up. The rest of the team were already done. They’d all reread the file more thoroughly, but the truth had been revealed, the damage was done.

Certain words from the summary hung heavily in the air-- they could not unsee or unread.

They each were grappling with what their friend had gone through, with what he continues to go through. It was hard not to feel guilty… logically they knew there was no way to have known this was Jay’s fate.

Yet, somehow after reading his file summary it all suddenly appeared to be so obvious. The file seemed to smack each of them hard in the face.

Of course Jay didn’t just abandon them all.

While he did in fact leave to fix his injured moral compass, he never abandoned them. He always intended to return after his 8- month tour as a healed man. He lost himself and had every intention of finding the Jay Halstead they all knew and relied on.

He had always intended to check in with Hailey, Will, his people. He didn’t call because if he did, they would all suffer the ramifications of Walker North’s vengeance fueled power.

Of course the Jay Halstead they knew and loved sacrificed himself to protect what mattered most. His family.

He sold his soul in exchange for keeping all of theirs whole.

How could they have been so blind and oblivious to what was right in front of them? Jay didn’t give up on them. Jay put the unit before himself.

Jay was right there with them all along.

If only they attuned themselves to the values he always upheld and to his undeniable goodness, they could have been open to considering alternatives to him just walking away.

One by one they were dealing in their own way.

Adam was vibrating with rage. How could that bastard North do this to a man like Jay? How the hell did they believe he just upped and left Hailey? They knew Jay. They fucking knew him and accepted the crazy scenario at face value.

Kevin was tearing up. Seeing what became of his beloved friend. Knowing he did it to protect all of them. The old intelligence cases North was digging into had some nasty skeletons they thought had been long buried. Jay did what he had to do to save them from a similar fate he was living.

Kim’s hands were shaking. Her hands represented the overwhelming emotion coursing through her system. She had just learned Roy Walton’s fate and the part people she trusted played. She was always confused by Jay just vanishing. Even though this wasn’t her fault, if she evaded being kidnapped Jay would never have been forced to give up the best years of his life.

Dante was irrepressibly sad. He didn’t have a lot of time with Jay, but he experienced firsthand Jay’s fairness, his relentless pursuit of truth and justice. His innate identity of a protector. Without Jay. Dante’s life wouldn’t be where it was today. He likely wouldn’t have been able to help his mother like he has. Damn Jay. How did we fail you in your hour of need?

Trudy was crying hard. She loved that boy like her own son. She loved that despite his good looks and charm he never treated her or anyone else with anything but total respect. He was especially sweet and tenderly sarcastic with her snarky energy. She should have known her boy’s true essence and fought to find him.

Hank was seething. Furious at Walker North. Apoplectic at whatever garbage attorney would allow his kid to sign such a poison pill of a deal that violated the rights  of a prisoner against cruel and unusual punishment. More than anything though, his most intense and vitriolic anger was directed at the one person he would never forgive. He was enraged at Jay.

Erin sat with a hand on Hank’s back. Both to comfort him and to steady herself as she began to process what became of the man that loved her enough to bring her caring, gentle side to the surface, protect her when she was vulnerable, and then ultimately let her go. He helped bring her to where she was today. Happy and open to revealing her gentleness to her daughter. She was jolted into reality when Hank stormed out of the room to collect himself.

Then there was Hailey. She couldn’t peel her eyes away from the photo of Jay staring at the wall. She kept searching for the man she knew, for the man she once loved in those eyes. But no matter how hard she tried she couldn’t find him. The visceral sorrow she experienced when Jay first left now erupted out of her soul with a suffocating vengeance. She couldn’t bear to look up at her team and her intelligence family. She just continued searching fruitlessly in that photo for the only person that ever successfully magnified her spirit.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

They all sat in that room for a long time. Hailey’s team quietly collected the summary booklets and shredded them in the corner. If only it would be that easy to shred the agony Jay had endured.

Hank came back after 45 minutes. He ran his hands over his chin and got back to what he did best.

“I want those missing pages. We are going to find a way to nail North and free Jay.”

Hailey looked up. “Miles, Fritz, Kat take the lead the Chicago team came up with the zip codes. See if it makes sense to Jay. We are going to nail Veneno.”

Hank and the team fell into their old rhythms naturally. Despite Erin, Hailey, and Adam no longer being on his team, taking orders from him was like slipping into an old tried and true pair of jeans. It just fit.

“Kevin, Dante track North. Find us something.”

“Kim, Adam dig into prison records. See if we can find a link to how Jay ended up in the hospital. Someone is bound to talk.”

“Hailey, Erin find out the identity of Jay’s lawyer and make them talk.”

“Trudy you stick with Hailey’s team. Show them how we do it in Chicago.”

“Where are you going?” Adam asked.

“To get some answers,” Hank said grabbing his jacket.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

Erin and Hailey sat in the law office waiting room.

Erin grabbed Hailey’s hand. “How are you holding up?”

Hailey smiled, “you know shutting down any thinking. If I think, then I feel, and then we are in trouble.”

“I can’t fully understand what you are going through. But I do know Jay. He wouldn’t want you harboring guilt and sadness. He made this choice, not you,” Erin said looking straight in Hailey’s eyes.

Hailey felt a sob working its way up her chest. Instead of speaking and risking unleashing it, she choked it back and nodded in appreciation for Erin’s words.

Just as her mind started going down a rabbit hole of panic, sadness, anger, confusion, their person of interest walked up to the reception desk.

Hailey’s instincts kicked in and she shut down her emotion quickly.

Erin stood up first.

“Gwen Sigan?” she asked.

“Yes, how can I help you?”

Erin flashed her FBI badge. “We have a few questions for you. Is there somewhere we can speak?”

Hailey stared down Jay’s lawyer, trying to size her up. If Gwen was unnerved by the intense stare down she didn’t show it.

“Can I get you something to drink?” she asked with a chipper tone.

Hailey and Erin both declined the offer.

Gwen sat down at the table with a full cup of coffee exuding energy to communicate that she was not the least bit intimidated.

“So, what brings you here?”

“Jay Halstead aka Ryan Clarke,” Erin said in her hoarse and powerful voice.

Hailey saw Gwen give something away in that moment. It wasn’t much just a little tick, but enough.

Gwen played it cool. “I need more than a name,” she said.

“Come on. We looked you up. You graduated first in your class at Stanford Law School. You only passed the bar 8 years ago yet rose through the ranks in the FBI legal department 2x faster than anyone else. You are telling me you don’t remember every single defendant you represented?” Erin asked with a pointed eye roll.

Gwen smiled a little. “What about Jay Halstead?” she followed. Unwilling to give an inch of information that wasn’t required.

“You represented him and allowed him to sign a ridiculously unethical plea deal. We want to know why?” Erin pressed.

“First of all without a warrant I am not at liberty to discuss any details of my work. I am sure you are aware of attorney-client privilege, Directors,” she answered in a powerful tone.

“And I am sure you are aware of the 8^th amendment of the United States Constitution,” Hailey said bitterly as she finally joined the conversation.

Gwen shifted uneasily in her chair. That remark knocked her off her pedestal for a moment.

“What is it that you want?” she said trying not to show her anger.

“What happened with Jay Halstead?” Erin repeated.

“Look even if I wanted to talk. I can’t. His file is classified. I’d be breaking…”

Gwen was cut off by Erin throwing Jay’s file onto the table.

The look on her face told Hailey and Erin everything they needed to know. She was hiding something.

“How the hell did you get that? You don’t have the clearance.”

“I wouldn’t worry about me so much. Maybe focus on yourself and the possible charges that will fall on your lap for collaborating with a federal agent to work against your client’s best interests.”

Gwen couldn’t contain her anger anymore.

“I don’t think you know what the hell you are saying! This isn’t just me. Higher ups in the FBI were involved with Mr. Halstead’s case. You better watch yourself.”

“Is that a threat?” Erin asked with disdain as she stood up from her chair. “What happened to Jay? Why are there missing pages linked to his long hospitalization?” she screamed as Gwen began to get up to leave.

Hailey stood up, ”please, don’t do this. I get you were given this powerful job at a young age and you were trying to prove you were a woman that could play in the big-league boys’ club. So you were tough, didn’t show softness because you felt you wouldn’t be taken seriously if you gave Jay Halstead what he deserved. Gwen, he was my husband. He meant something to countless people. This whole ordeal destroyed us. You have the power now to fix this injustice. Help us rewrite his story. It doesn’t have to end this way. Please.”

The desperation and sorrow in her voice made Gwen pause ever so briefly. She locked eyes with Hailey for a millisecond, “he was sentenced to ten years. You can see him when he finishes his time,” she said before walking out.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Miles and Kat sat patiently in the visitation booth waiting for Jay.

“Told you,” Kat said with a smile.

“Ok I didn’t think the guard would be that lax and allow us a visit. But you are right. They recognized us and those cookies worked like a charm,” Miles said admitting defeat just as Jay came into view.

Once again he was shuffling awkwardly. The bruising on his face had changed colors from black and blue to a yellowish/green.

Seeing him this time felt different. Knowing so much of his story, grasping his true identity, grappling with what he was willing to sacrifice for their boss… it all amounted to a compassion and concern they normally did not display with their confidential informants.

“Hey,” Jay said picking up on a change in his visitors’ demeanor.

They were on strict orders from their boss not to reveal to Jay all they had learned. It could endanger him. Not to mention what it could do to his psyche.

“Hey, Ryan,” Kat started. “I know you don’t usually get visiting days on Wednesdays, but we pulled a few strings. We have some new information that may be helpful.”

Jay was so unbelievably happy to see them. He thought he would have to wait for his weekly Saturday phone call.

“Prisons,” he said nearly trampling Kat’s words with the hurry in which he spoke.

“They are trafficking the heroine through a mass producer of sugar to federal prisons across the country,” he finished.

Kat passed the phone to Miles. Jay watched as she whispered his message to her partner.

“Dude!” Miles said as he took the phone. “We are working with another team and they just figured out all the zip codes included prisons, but didn’t know how that tied in. You are a step ahead of us.”

Miles didn’t mention that the other team happened to be his former unit.

“I bet if you find a food distributor with a mega contract with the federal bureau of prisons you can track their shipments and deliveries,” Jay added.

“And then we can nail Veneno,” Miles said looking back and forth between Jay and Kat.

“Keep this as quiet as possible. They have a lot of help on the inside,” Jay whispered.

Miles nodded.

“Thanks man,” Miles offered.

“How’s it going for you in there?” he asked with genuine concern. Pretending he didn’t know exactly how harrowing the last few weeks had been. Acting like Jay’s body didn’t reveal some of his secrets.

“Maybe it’s time to go back to protective custody? You got us some great intel.”

Jay looked down. A part of him wanted to share how awful it has been in general population. Especially now that he was no longer granted library access. But he couldn’t. That would require sharing something intimate, making a connection with someone. That would require reawakening the part of himself he let die for survival’s sake.

He looked back up ready to end the conversation. Truth was that protective custody would mean no more threats of rape or physical attacks, but it would also mean back to a solitude that was nearly unbearable to take. Human beings were meant for connection.

Kat and Miles could see his pain. No matter how hard he tried to mask it, some things stand naked for the world to see.

Kat took the phone out of Miles hand. “It’s not your call. You are going back to protective custody.”

After reading his file, they had to protect Hailey in any way possible. They knew she couldn’t handle him hurt anymore, and frankly they also could not bear any responsibility for future physical harm.

“It may take a day or two for our connections to shuffle the right paper. But you are going back to where its safe.”

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Hailey’s wedding was two days away. The next night was her rehearsal dinner. After speaking with Gwen and coming up empty, she found herself driving aimlessly.

She should have been tending to last details with Dottie and Chrissy. Instead there she was pulling into the penitentiary parking lot.

Erin had returned to New York and her daughter. Hailey promised to keep her in the loop so she could return to DC as needed. After shooting off a text of gratitude to Erin, she returned to her current predicament... contemplating her next move.

1. Jay wasn’t allowed to have visitors aside from Sundays.
2.  She was drowning in the double whammy of rage and sadness, so it was unclear what she would even say to him. In equal measured parts she wanted to both strangle him harshly and hold him with the softest parts of her heart all at once.

As she sat in the car contemplating what on earth it was she was doing there, she saw a familiar figure emerge from the entrance/exit.

Hailey climbed out of her car and yelled, “Hank?”

He looked up and came to the passenger side, opened the door and slid in. Hailey followed suit on the driver side.

They sat quietly for a few minutes.

“You saw him?” she finally asked. Hailey had seen Jay exactly twice. That first time in the visitation booth and a second in his cell after his latest assault.

“Sort of,” Hank said in a gruff. “I am so angry at him. Furious. It wasn’t his place to make the call. It’s my unit, my responsibility to protect everyone. Not the other way around. I could kill him,” he ended in a scream.

Hailey wasn’t sure how to respond. Ignoring her former mentor’s rage, “What do you mean you sort of saw him? What did he say?”

“I called in a few favors. I know a guy,” Hank said.

Hailey smiled. Hank always had a good connection up his sleeve.

“They granted me a visit with the warden. I didn’t ask to see Ryan Clarke, didn’t want to risk blowing his cover. Just a tour of the place to get a sense of how they do it in Maryland.”

“So friendly bro prison comparison bonding?” Hailey asked slightly amused.

Hank nodded.

“We walked around. I kept looking for Jay.  Eventually Warden Connelly took me into the cafeteria where they were having movie night. They had 400 inmates watching the Great Gatsby. As we were leaving I saw him. He was in the back, cuffed and strapped to his chair, in a separate corner from the rest of the inmates,” Hank said as his voice began to waver just a little.

“Hank…” Hailey said sliding her hand over his.

“Hailey,” he began rubbing his eyes.

“The warden said that section was for inmates on behavior modification plans. That’s why they were singled out and restrained. Couldn’t risk volatile inmates causing trouble when so many men are together.”

Hank and Hailey sat with that image for a minute.  “He didn’t see me. I just watched him. He looked so small…” Hank couldn’t continue.

Hailey stopped asking questions. The profound sadness in Hank’s voice said it all.

Hank may have gone in there ready to throttle his mentee. But seeing Jay wickedly battered and helplessly lost shook him. Something in his boy’s body language frightened Hank. It was like Jay had given up.

Anger was easy. Facing the sadness and guilt that the truth intensely held was a whole other story.

Jay did what Hank hadn’t.

He turned himself in. Someone had to pay the piper.

He willingly locked himself in hell to finish what Hank couldn’t.

The incredible track record and legendary status Intelligence held was a result of a lot of cut corners, hands greased, and laws broken. It was Hank’s job to ultimately face the music for those decisions. It is what he preached every day to his team. Jay knew that. Hank always said it was his destiny to go out on a case gone sideways.

And yet, in the end he was too cowardly to do it when his family needed him the most.

That day Jay came to him all those years ago telling him North said, “it’s either you or me and Hailey,” Hank could have marched right into the FBI and held out his wrists to be cuffed.

He didn’t.

He knew that in Jay’s bones selfishness didn’t come easy. He knew Jay wouldn’t turn him in.

Instead, the man that challenged his bandwidth of morality and propensity for goodness more than anyone else on this earth, once again did Hank’s dirty work.

If grief was the purest and most honest reflection of the depth of your love, then Hank was learning just our much he loved and admired that kid.

He had to let his anger remain as a protective shield, for facing the cold reality was more than even the great Hank Voight could carry.

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Alex climbed into bed rattling off their to do list for the rehearsal dinner.

“Supervisor Harris and Directors Molloy and Thompson will be there. Make sure to chit chat with them for a little. Oh also, Dottie says…”

“Alex,” Hailey said haltingly.

“Yeah, Hailey, what’s up?”

“We need to talk.”

------------------------

That night Hailey told Alex a lot. Maybe not everything but a lot.

She told him the details about Jay being Ryan Clarke. The Who. They What. The When. And most painfully the Why.

She told him this felt like more than she could fully process and that she shouldn’t have kept it from him. She confessed it didn’t feel right walking down the aisle until she shared the truth.

Alex listened. He was shocked of course. He was sympathetic too. He tried to hide how much this bothered him given they were set to be married in less than 48 hours.

The one piece of information Hailey withheld was how it all made her feel. She herself had no clue how to parse out the avalanche of mixed emotions. She couldn’t admit to him or herself how deep in her gut Jay’s reemergence touched. So she pushed it down. The swell of emotion was getting more challenging to contain. But she let herself focus on the relief of no longer lying to Alex.

“Hailey that’s kind of crazy. You sure you are ok with all this?” Alex asked concerned and a bit confused himself.

“Yeah I mean I’m sad he did this. I’m angry he didn’t come to me when this all went down so our team could have intervened. But I want to marry you. I just couldn’t do it with this secret between us.”

Alex held her tight as a bolt of anxiety and anger shot through him. Was she being honest with him or with herself? If this mess got out would her ex-husband’s existence ruin his chances of fulfilling his professional aspirations? The DEA did not like higher ups with any stink on them.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next morning Hailey woke up in a tired trance. She barely slept aside from the last hour.

A text from Kevin came in letting the team know they think they found out North’s motive.

They followed him to his brother’s care facility and did a little digging.

“His brother overdosed not long after Hank and Jay orchestrated his arrest and cold turkey withdrawal. He will never be the same. North probably blames Jay and found a way to lock him up just like his brother has been consigned to institutional life,” Kevin reported.

The pit in Hailey’s stomach turned to a boulder. She owed Alex her attention though.

“Ok so Dottie is dropping off your outfit for tonight around 2. Hair and makeup will be here at 3. Driver will pick you up at 5 for the rehearsal dinner.”

“Wait hair and make up for our rehearsal dinner? Isn’t that a little much?” Hailey asked. She agreed for their wedding day, but two days in a row?

“Totally different look than tomorrow. Wedding romantic elegance. Tonight professional with some fun,” he said while laying out his suit.

“So a mullet?” she asked with a smirk.

Hailey couldn’t fathom putting on this show tonight. So much was going on out there and in her heart. The last thing she wanted was to dress like a clown to entertain mostly Alex’s guests.

She came from behind him with a hug. “About last night, you sure you are ok? I am here to talk if you need to, I know it is a lot.”

Alex paused briefly. He turned and kissed her forehead.

“Yeah. As long as that is it. He remains in prison and we progress and move forward with our lives, I am good,” he said now looking past her at his tie collection.

“Yeah, move forward,” Hailey answered disappointed almost in how effortlessly he was brushing off such a bombshell. The image of Jay languishing in his cell dancing in her head.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey had the day off to prepare. In truth Alex’s family were doing everything and she found herself with some idle time.

She realized that too many people knew while one very important person didn’t. She was past the point of considering Jay’s feeling in all this.

“Hey, Hailey,” Will said. “Didn’t expect to hear from you so soon. Everything ok?”

Hailey took a deep breath. It was now or never she just had to spit it out.

“Will, I have an update regarding Jay.”

-----------------------------------------------------------

Trudy and Hailey’s team were making good inroads into the lead Jay provided.

They had mapped it all out, found the export company that provided nearly all federal prisons with rations including huge bulk shipments of staples like flour, sugar, and rice from South America.

They connected with DEA and FBI outposts across the country to work on canvassing the prisons on their hit list.

They’d have one swing at things. If they didn’t nail Veneno on the first try, they’d reverse course and go back underground until a new smuggling strategy emerged.

In each prison there were guards and possibly wardens in on the take.

This had to be orchestrated meticulously in order to nail all the bastards involved.

They werent there yet, but they could taste how close they were to nailing the case of the decade.

--------------------------------------------------

The rehearsal dinner was beautiful.

The restaurant is one of Washington DC’s hottest new venues. Its sleek design and seemingly endless candlelight make for a show stopping backdrop.

Hailey looked like a model in the high fashion jumpsuit Alex’s sisters picked out for her.

“Hey, look at you,” Kevin beamed. “Those heels are killer, baby,” he said as he hugged his friend on her special night. “You mean these heels are killing my feet,” Hailey mused in her self-deprecating humor.

Alex’s parents give a toast welcoming all the guests and Hailey into the family. They tell some cute stories of Alex as a kid and call for a happy and long marriage.

Trudy notices no one is standing up for Hailey and asks for the microphone.

“Uh so Hailey Upton is one of the best detectives to ever come out of Chicago. And she is an even better person. Alex I don’t really know you, but chances are you don’t deserve her,” she said seriously but with just enough of sarcasm, everyone laughed.

“Here is to you earning such a sensational human every day!” she said raising her glass.

In true Trudy fashion she delivered and represented for Hailey in a room where her guests were outnumbered 15 -1.

Hailey smiled widely and hugged her. As she looked up she saw Dottie speaking in anger to Alex.

“Not sure that went over too well on that side of the room,” Hailey said with a smirk.

“Oh well these mid Atlantic folks don’t know how to take a joke, do they?” Trudy winked.

Kim, Adam, Kevin, and Makayla were sitting at a table talking.

“One of my professors is an absolute legend in public defense. This plea deal may be a violation of the 8^th amendment. Barring a prisoner from any contact from anyone on the outside world, no computer access ever, barring his next of kin updates on his health especially when he required a medical proxy to make decisions during a near fatal incapacitation I mean the list goes on and on. I bet we can at least get some of these particulars of his plea deal thrown out.”

Kim and Kevin looked at one another. They didn’t tell Makayla who Ryan Clarke was out of fear of making her an accessory to viewing classified documents. But her passion for criminal defense could possibly come in handy. It couldn’t hurt to get some expert take on just how bad his plea deal was from a legal angle.

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That night Hailey slept in the hotel with Kim, Makayla, and Trudy.

She and Trudy delightfully and awkwardly shared a Queen bed, while Kim and Makayla effortlessly snuggled in their own.

Hailey tossed and turned the whole night. The rehearsal dinner was a lot. The thought of a wedding with even more guests felt overwhelming. She knew Jay had just been transferred back to protective custody that night, so at least he was safe. It allowed her to push thoughts of him back into his little locked box in her mind. If she was stupid enough to think about him, she wouldn’t be able to get through her own wedding. Her pervasive thoughts had to be controlled.

She learned to build a life that lived alongside the pain of losing him, she stopped putting her life on hold waiting for the pain to go away. It wouldn’t. So she created joy and aspirational goals right next to the pain. Hailey would lean on that hard fought skill today.

She got up early and went for a run. Nothing cleared Hailey’s mind like a good 5-mile course. While she still carried some angst and butterflies, the cardio did its part and helped center her. It was her wedding day Afterall!

When she returned she saw Makayla, Kim, and Trudy in a tense conversation.

Pulling out her ponytail she asked, “What’s up? Everything ok?”

“Oh yeah sure thing Goldilocks. Burgess-Ruzek’s over here thinks that I am going to do an updo today. They’ve got another thing coming,” Trudy said escorting Hailey to the bathroom for a shower.

“Glam Squad will be here soon, chop chop!,” she said as Hailey disappeared into the bathroom.

“Don’t say a word,” Trudy pleaded to Kim and Makayla through gritted teeth.

“Hailey will notice Hank and the boys aren’t here,” Kim shot back.

“Roosters don’t mingle with the hens morning of a wedding,” Trudy said, ending the conversation.

“Keep your phones on silent but for god’s sake check for updates every two seconds,” she added showing her concern.

--------------------------------------------------------------

The morning was going well. Alex’s mom and sisters came to get ready with the bride and her entourage.

Several beauty professionals arrived and helped glam up all of the women.

It was time for Hailey to get in her dress. She saw Dottie and Chrissy eyeing each other.

“What?” Hailey asked.

“Oh nothing. Alex has a little surprise for you. We thought the surprise would be here by now to help you, but its ok we have to stick with the schedule.”

Hailey and Kim shared a confused glance but proceeded.

Kim and Makayla helped her into her dress. It was long white spaghetti strapped gown made of a rich crepe fabric. It was simple and stunning all at once.

Chrissy came to slide on the gloves they insisted she wear to, “class up the dress,” they said.

As Hailey was about to turn to look at herself in the mirror a knock was at the door.

Kim, Makayla, and Trudy were too busy oohing and aahing at the gorgeous bride to notice.

“Ooooh Alex’s surprise is here,” his mother clapped with glee.

She went to open the door. Hailey’s smile faded into utter disbelief.

Her parents walked into the room clearly uncomfortable with the whole thing. They hadn’t seen their daughter in years. Hadn’t even heard from her.

So when they got a call with an offer for an all-expenses paid trip to come to her wedding they were shocked and excited.

Hailey stood like a deer in headlights.

“Alex thought you’d feel bad not having your Dad walk you down the aisle. So he arranged for a surprise,” Chrissy shrieked with her hands up in the air.

Kim’s smile faded away she looked at Hailey’s shaking hands.

“I think we need some air,” she declared before waltzing Hailey out of the room. Trudy and Makayla stayed behind to deal with the aftermath.

Once outside Hailey was able to unleash.

“How could he? Why…?” she panted.

“Hailey you are hyperventilating. Take some deep clearing breaths,” Kim urged.

“I need to get out of here,” Hailey said.

Kim knew her friend and was more than happy to help her escape.

“You have pictures scheduled in an hour,” Kim said.

“Cancel them. We can do them after the ceremony,” Hailey said breathlessly.

Kim nodded looking at her phone.

“What?” Hailey asked.

“What?” Kim asked in response.

“Kim you and Trudy have been looking at your phones all morning like your life depends on it.”

Kim was searching for some sort of explanation.

Hailey pressed her further, “wait where are the guys? They were going to come and hang out before pictures?”

Once a detective, always a detective.

Kim stood frozen.

“Kim, what in the hell is going on?”

“It’s Jay,” she answered in a whisper.

Hailey looked like someone just said her puppy died. Jay? What did she mean Jay? Her whole mantra for the day was anything but Jay. He wasn’t allowed in her thoughts.

“North. He got wind of what was happening. He knows Erin got the file. He knows you visited Jay under an alias. He has been sniffing around,” she said barely audible.

“What happened with Jay?” Hailey begged.

“North called for an emergency hearing this morning. They are bringing Jay up on attempted murder charges for cracking that assailant’s skull with his casted arm.”

“What???????” Hailey raged. “He is being charged with fighting off one of his rapists?

Kim nodded.

“The unsanctioned visits and calls, us meddling all amount to Jay having violated the terms of his deal. They want his chances for bail officially revoked immediately and to tack on more charges to extend his sentence well beyond 10 years.”

The silence in the seconds to follow was piercingly loud.

“Take me to him.” Hailey said looking at her friend with daggers.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey arrived at the courthouse as two guards were escorting Jay towards the prison escort

van.

He was wearing what prison warden’s called humane headgear- a helmet affixed with a chin strap and a plastic mouth guard. Designed to keep violent or volatile prisoners from hurting themselves or others. His arms were chained at his waist and his ankles shackled together tightly as he was helped along awkwardly down the courthouse steps.

Jay had a long prison rap sheet. Walker North knew he could convince the warden not to take any chances with him pulling anything in court. So he filed the necessary paperwork for permission for the highest level of restraint legally possible. If he tried to run, reach, head butt, bite, or spit his efforts would be immediately thwarted by his carefully curated accessories.

Walker was smart he knew visual perception meant a lot. No judge or jury could look at Jay so aggressively restrained and think he is harmless. He must be a true menace to warrant such a medieval approach, right? The warden played right into his hands.

“No,” Hailey thought. Had she missed it? Had they already decided?

Hank, Adam, Kevin, Dante, and the rest of Hailey’s DEA team came out of the courthouse looking defeated.

Jay didn’t notice her at first but when his exhausted eyes traveled up from the worn concrete

steps their eyes locked.

He tried to compose himself as he fought his bubbling emotions with all that he had. Just like so much of his efforts lately he wasn’t strong enough.

His once formidable strength did not rise to the occasion in his moment of need.

After 7 years of self-restraint he couldn’t do it anymore. A typhoon of emotion named Hailey Upton hit him square in the chest.

She was mesmerizing. Her blonde locks swept up on one side with a wildflower pinning half of

her hair in place, while the rest fell beautifully on her shoulder. The long white flowing dress

softly molded to her sumptuous curves. The tasteful romantic make up further illuminating

what already shined so brightly.

She was ethereal– he couldn’t be 100% sure she was real.

He took in the white dress, the diamond ring, the fact she was meticulously dolled up, so unlike the Hailey he once knew. It all came to together. She was getting married. He understood.

Jay’s look said it all. Hailey knew she missed it. She knew if he was still restrained in that extreme manner the outcome was not good.

She didn’t know what to say. His cheeks were flushed, he looked utterly exhausted.

The greenness of his eyes was magnified by the moistness he was trying to hold back as his tear ducts threatened to betray his 7 years of stoicism.

Their nonverbal conversation lasted less than a minute, but it was theirs. Sacred. Everyone on the courthouse steps bore witness to the intensity of their connection.

With their eyes still locked on one another, Alex bounded onto the sidewalk.

“Hails!” he called out with a mix of relief and frustration.

Jay quickly broke the trance they were in upon hearing her nick name and averted his eyes back to his prison issued slip-ons.

“My Mom told me you rescheduled pictures and my sisters saw you just run out, I….” he paused

before collecting himself.

“It’s time to go, Hailey,” Alex said taking her hand. He looked up and met Jay’s eyes briefly.

“It’s our wedding day. Can you just leave her alone?” he said with a hint of anger in his voice.

“Alex!” Hailey said in shock of her fiancés’ harshness. “Please. He didn’t call me here. Let me just send him off. One minute,” she said unlocking their hands.

She walked over to Jay.

There is so much she wanted to verbalize but couldn’t find the words.

After reading the file she buried everything. Every last word. Every pixel of the brutal images. Every iota of recognition of what he had done to protect her and their family. Every piece of meticulously laid out evidence of all that he continued to endure.

If the last 7 years taught her anything, it was how to bury pain.

Yet, in spite of her long-refined coping skill, fate would no longer be denied and emerged, ever so briefly, to reach out in reclamation of its rightful place.

There are spells of significance where your heart and mind travel somewhere beyond their typical bounds. It’s overwhelming, its profound, it’s like the world is revealing some ancient secret you aren’t fully capable of receiving.

You can see it. You can feel it. You can even recognize it. But your hands are just out of reach from truly accepting and benefiting from its wisdom.

Can the human mind comprehend what the universe effortlessly knows to be true?

Jay saw her struggle and decided to push away the sadness of seeing her betrothed to another man and do what he did best … put her first.

“We are good,” he awkwardly mumbled through his mouth guard with a soft whisper, trying to hide the quiver in his spine.

“And we are always going to be good,” he finished with a slurred version of the fierce tenderness she used to intimately trust.

Despite the plastic shoved in his mouth and affixed across the lower half of his face. She heard him loud and clear.

Alex was uncomfortable with how they were looking at one another.

“Please get this inmate back to his correctional facility,” as he flashed his badge. “Look at him. He shouldn’t be out here. He is obviously considered extremely dangerous,” Alex said to the guards as they obliged and lifted Jay into the prison escort van.

They all stood and watched as Jay’s body was buckled into his seat and his helmeted head affixed securely to straps against the van wall. The doors closing and locking, before a police officer banged on the door to alert the driver to get moving.

Hailey remained frozen as the van drove away disappearing into the horizon.

Chapter Text

As the van drove down the road and out of sight, Hailey remained frozen.

She was strong as hell. Even the strongest among us in the end are only human.

The onslaught of emotions was so intense she couldn’t handle the attack on her senses.

Unbeknownst to her a viewing party had formed as she and Jay stood before one another.

Alex and Kim, yes, and all the others who went to the courthouse that morning. Hank, Dante, Kevin, Adam, Fritz, Kat, Miles… they all saw the last few minutes play out.

For her DEA team, witnessing the insane connection she shared with Jay threw them for a loop. They knew he was her ex-husband, they just learned what he did to protect her, but the intensity of the magic between them was unlike anything they had ever seen. Upstead was making its way into their vocabulary.

For her intelligence family watching the scene play out was heartbreaking.

They had just sat through Jay’s hearing.

His opportunity to pursue parole was revoked. The judge agreed with the prosecutor that given he was convicted of murder and that he was involved with countless altercations including nearly killing a fellow inmate, it was reasonable to conclude he was­­­ unfit for parole and a credible threat to society. He would have 72 hours to decide between going to trial for his new attempted murder charges (if convicted he could face up to an additional 10 years) or accept a plea deal of 3 additional years tacked on to his current 10-year sentence.

Watching that play out was hard enough. Then to walk out still holding the pain of observing how North purposefully humiliated Jay, only to come upon him and Hailey feet away from one another, yet ions apart. It was pure anguish.

Seconds after the van pulled away, Walker North and Gwen Sigan came out of the courthouse.

Hank was snapped back to reality when North caught his eye.

Luckily, Adam and Kevin were standing right next to him as Hank lunged in a fury.

“You bastard! You mother fucking bastard. You want me, you come for me!!,” he screamed in disgust.

Kevin’s quick reflexes caught Hank as Adam came up on the right side to ensure he couldn’t get any closer to his federal agent target.

“Boss, not here. Not now,” Kevin whispered as his broad shoulders held Hank back. There were too many witnesses for direct threats to be made in public.

“This isn’t about you Voight,” North bit back. “ I warned her,” he continued pointing right at Hailey.

“I told you if you cared about him you’d leave this alone, didn’t I?” he snarled at Hailey.

“He signed a deal. He violated the terms. He is a big boy,” North continued now looking back at Hank as a black SUV pulled up.

He opened the backseat door for Gwen and closed it once she was inside.

Circling the back of the car to the other passenger door, he finished with, “I’ll give your boy this, he knows how take it like a man and pay the price for his mistakes. You could stand to learn a thing or two from him, old man,” he finished as he slipped into the car.

Hank was huffing and puffing trying to keep from exploding as the SUV pulled away.

Dante joined his friends in trying to calm him down. Hank was vulnerable to another stroke. Watching every vein pop out of his skull was unnerving to see.

Meanwhile, Alex came out of the shock of what just unfolded.

When he went to take Hailey’s hand to lead her back to his car she flinched.

That threw Alex off. “Hailey come on. I know this is a lot. Let’s get out of here,” he urged while reaching for her hand again.

This time Hailey clearly pulled her hand away.

“You were so cruel to him,” she said softly, finally coming out of her trance.

Alex was flabbergasted by that comment.

“I was cruel to him?? Hailey, I think you are in denial about who he is. Have you read his record while in prison? Did you see the lengths they had to go to properly restrain him for the trial?”

“Wait, you know? You obtained access and then read his file and you didn’t say anything to me?” she said with betrayal and hurt rolling off her tongue.

“I, uhh, I,” he stuttered.

At this point Hank had regained his composure.

Sensing tension, Adam and Kevin took a few steps in Hailey’s and Alex’s direction.

“Alex? For the love of god be honest with me,” Hailey begged.

“Ok yes. After you told me about him working as a CI, I looked into your team’s file and then looked into him.”

“You what?” Hailey said in shock. Digging into someone’s CI was pretty darn unethical. It could endanger the life of the CI if their identity became compromised.

“Hailey come on. I have been working my ass off for us. I had to make sure he wasn’t a threat. When you finally opened up to me with details the other night, I already knew but didn’t want to upset you. I am still processing how upsetting and possibly damaging he could be to us if people find out.”

Alex’s sister was in a nearby car and began honking. “We have to go!! The ceremony starts in less than an hour,” she shouted out of the car window.

“Hailey, please we can work this all out later. Let’s go,” he said now going to pull her upper arm towards the car.

Adam stepped in front of him. “Hey, don’t touch her if she isn’t ready.”

“Dude, stay out of this!” Alex snapped.

Adam puffed out his chest further and folded us arms.

“Alex he sacrificed everything for me. You get that right? Without his actions there would be no us, and instead of gratitude you are filled with concern for your, your what? Your chance at a promotion?” she asked in disbelief.

Alex looked past Adam’s shoulder. “Hailey, baby, please. We can talk this out later. There is a church filled with people waiting for us. My parents, your parents…”

“God, Alex,” Hailey interrupted him before he could finish. “My parents. You know how fractured and toxic my relationship is with them and you fucking invite them to our wedding without telling me?”

“Come on, I thought it would make you feel good. I mean how would it look if your parents didn’t come to and participate in your own wedding? Having Kevin and Adam walk you down the aisle would appear childish,” Alex said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“How would it look?” she said with her nostrils flaring desperate to keep her breath in control.

“Hailey, perception matters. People would wonder about you if you couldn’t manage to have your parents there.”

Hailey stood there in silence.

Dottie began honking the car again incessantly causing everyone to turn in her direction.

Alex looked back at Hailey and saw her begin to slip her engagement ring off.

He took his tone down a few notches, “Hailey please. I love you. You look incredible. I’ll make this right, baby, I promise. Let’s go, everyone’s waiting,” he said now beginning to beg.

Hailey closed her eyes for a moment.

This wasn’t about Jay. This was about her finally listening to her gut.

When she met Alex he embodied so much of what she hoped to attain. He was likable, family oriented, stable. He always thought a step or two ahead. He made sweet romantic gestures. And despite all of the parts of her that felt broken, he wanted her.

But she never felt seen with him. She never opened up the inner layers, the ones that were messy and sensitive and scared. She never bared her soul to him. Something in her didn’t feel safe enough.

Hailey thought she was screwed up and that’s why she felt unsure about Alex all this time.

Only now did it become clear that the reason she held back was because her gut was right, she was never truly safe in his care.

Alex thought he loved her, he did, but she now understood that he wasn’t capable of true love because he was too obsessed with external validation to understand the richness and depth of the internal validation of giving genuine love and acceptance.

But she knew. She had experienced it before.

“Alex, I am sorry. I am so sorry,” she said as she took the ring off and stepped forward to hand it to him.

“Hailey, come on you can’t do this. Not now. We can work this all out. You aren’t thinking straight. The entire DEA C-Suite are coming to the wedding!!”

At this point Dottie got out of the car and made her towards her brother.

“Alex, what’s going on?” she asked seeing the tears and tension all around.

She saw Hailey holding her engagement ring in her hand.

“Oh no. No. No. No. You will not do this to him!”

She walked around Adam and grabbed Hailey by the hand harshly. She pulled hard. As Hailey stumbled the ring fell to the ground.

Alex quickly leaped to pick it up. He dusted it off on his shirt and slid it into his pocket.

He motioned towards Hailey and Dottie, prompting Adam to put his hand against Alex’s chest.

“I don’t think so,” he said firmly.

“That is my fiancé!! Stay out of this,” Alex said as he tried to push past Adam.

At that point Kevin and Dante joined the mix. Kevin pulled Alex back by the collar. He was now caught in a triangular trap of Chicago’s finest.

Kim ran over to Hailey. “You have to let her go,” she said with gentle authority to Dottie.

Alex began to tear up. “You are going to humiliate me!” he said looking past Hailey’s triad of protection.

She pulled her arm out of Dottie’s grip. “Alex, I am sorry it happened this way. I really am. We aren’t right for one another. With time you will see this is for the best.”

“You selfish, stupid bitch. I never liked you. You are a sad, broken person. You don’t deserve Alex. You will always be alone because you are too damaged to accept real love,” Dottie said as took her brother’s hand and walked him away from the mortifying scene.

Hailey took a deep breath. Adam came over and put his arm around her. “Come on, Upton. We got you.” Kim took her other flank and together they helped Hailey walk away from Alex for good.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay was having a hard time getting in enough air.

Between his busted ribs, his brewing cough, and the face mask and mouth guard -- drawing a full breath was difficult.

“Come on, buddy. Move it along,” one of the gentler guards, Luca, said as he and another guard held and pushed each of Jay’s shoulders.

They got to Jay’s solitary cell. Luca asked, “do we have clearance to remove his restraints?” They weren’t accustomed to the level of restraint and didn’t want to get in trouble by breaking a protocol they weren’t up to date on.

“Leave it for now. I’ll ask Donaldson,” his colleague answered.

They punched in the code to unlock the cell door and shimmied Jay in and onto his bed.

Luca noticed his labored breathing. “Hang in there. I think it can come off soon.”

Jay heard the electronic door lock. His butt dropped off the bed and onto the floor. His restraints were so tight he had no choice but to lay on his side with his knees bent to his chest and his arms glued to his sides.

He felt… well he felt. That was part of the problem. Seeing his intelligence family in the court, seeing Hailey… it wasn’t good for him.

They had the power to ignite a reaction from his usual robotic stance. Feeling and thinking wasn’t good. Not good at all.

He now had at least 3 years to go, likely 6, and maybe even 13 if he decided to roll the dice and go to trial.

Seeing so many of the people he loved the most left him vulnerable. Then in that moment of vulnerability Hailey appears in her wedding dress…on her way to marry another man.

He never expected for Hailey to wait for him. If anything, the benefit of not being able to be in contact with her gave Hailey the space and permission to move on with her life.

One of the reasons, he insisted on being Ryan Clarke was he knew if his family was aware what he did and the conditions he agreed to, they’d fight for him. They’d risk blowing up the deal and possibly ending up in prison and ruining their careers. Best case scenario, they’d be stuck in the same emotional place for 10 years waiting for his release. He wanted them to move forward, really from the depths of his heart that is what he wanted.

Despite all of those pure intentions he wasn’t made of stone. Seeing Hailey on the day of her wedding to another man hurt. It hurt him worse than any of his other experiences as an inmate. Given all the trauma he went through, that is harshly saying something.

He was so confused. It was unclear what happened next. He was petrified North could use the infractions of his plea deal to go after Hailey, Hank, all the others. That would mean all he sacrificed would be for nothing.

The mere thought sent him into a panic. It was hard enough to breath, now he was slipping into a full-blown panic attack.

By the time a Luca came back it was 45 minutes later. He came in and found Jay shaking on the floor.

“Shit, Mark get in here,” he yelled to the guard posted outside of the cell.

“Come help me sit him up,” he ordered.

They got Jay into a seated position and leaned him against the corner of the wall. He was taking short, shallow breaths and shaking profusely.

“Ok, man, take it easy. We will get this off of you,” he said as he began to unbuckle Jay’s helmet and the straps keeping his face and mouth guard in place.

“Come on take some deep breaths,” Luca said with concern laced in his words.

Jay winced in pain as the deeper breathing hurt his ribs a lot.

“Mark, call infirmary. Have them get someone down here to check him out.”

Jay slumped over back to the floor and completely lost control.

For 7 years he suffered, he suffered so much. In all that time, despite the pain, the trauma, the heartache he never cried. He broke in other ways, but he never gave anyone the satisfaction of seeing him cry.

A doctor and nurse scurried into the room. “Get these shackles off and unbutton the top of his jumpsuit!” the doctor ordered.

As he was being physically stripped he felt every last line of defense being stripped away too.

Lightning like pangs of guilt shot through his chest.

Seeing Hailey as radiant as ever… Jay wanted her. God did he want her. He was growing delirious and filled with shame for selfishly wanting Hailey by his side when he knew very well what that cost her.

He began to cry. He cried hard. Each sob releasing pain beyond his comprehension. Physically. Emotionally. Spiritually. It poured out like a monstrous flood.

“I think he has a fever,” the doctor said as he stuck a thermometer in Jay’s ear.

“Yup, 101.2.”

Jay’s jumpsuit was unbuttoned, and the garment’s sleeves pulled off his arms. The top portion of his outfit pooling at his waist.

“Ryan can you calm down? I need to talk a listen.”

Jay tried as best as he could to reel in his sobbing. He was humiliated by the spectacle he was displaying.

But each attempt at deep breath led to a pain etched sob.

“Ryan I cannot get a good listen,” he said in frustration. “Please relax just a little.”

The doctor pressed the stethoscope harder against Jay’s chest eliciting a painful twitch.

“It’s hard to get a good listen. There may be a slight crackle in his lungs but with his hysterics who could tell?” the doctor confessed to the nurse.

“This respiratory virus going around is really messing a bunch of men up,” the nurse agreed.

The doctor nodded. Another inmate with same cough and low to mid-grade fever. Made sense to diagnose him that way.

Little did the doctor know that Jay’s broken heart was also wreaking havoc on his immune system.

“Ok, let’s get him some extra strength acetometaphen.”

The nurse went out of the cell to his trolley to get the medicine.

“Ryan, hey I need you to swallow these. It will help make you feel better,” the doctor pleaded as Jay continued to flail and shake uncontrollably.

He wanted to take the medicine, really he did. But he just could not get a hold of himself.

“We don’t have time for this. The infirmary is over capacity, we need to get back there.”

“Get me 15 milligrams of Midazolam for injection,” the doctor said as he put the pill cup to the side.

The nurse hurried back with a syringe.

“Ok, Mr. Clarke, this will help you calm down and rest,” the doctor said as he rolled Jay back to his side and pulled down his jumpsuit just enough to reveal the top of his right butt cheek. The doctor eyed the nurse who patted the area with rubbing alcohol allowing the doctor to inject the sedative swiftly. Jay flinched at the pinch and burn in an area he did not appreciate.

Thankfully, it only took 30 seconds or so for the medication to kick in. Jay’s sobs slowed and his eyes finally rolled to the back of his head.

“Ok let’s get another syringe with liquid acetometaphin.”

The doctor and nurse finished giving Jay his medication and pulled up his pants. They asked the guards to send in some orderlies from the prison’s psych ward.

Luca offered an explanation, “rough day. He had his chance for parole revoked.”

“Yeah that coupled with a fever and perhaps the onset of a nasty respiratory virus would explain his erratic behavior. Ok just have the orderlies wash him, clean him up. A shower may help with the fever. No need for observation in the psych ward.”

With that the doctor and nurse cleaned up the mess they created and helped the guards sit Jay up against the wall.

His body lax, chin on his chest, mind temporarily lost to the world, when the orderlies came to drag him into the shower.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will was startled by a flight attendant. “Sir, please bring your seat to an upright position. We are preparing for landing.”

The 5-hour flight from Seattle went by quickly. When Hailey called Will was in absolute shock.

As he awaited landing he replayed the conversation in his head.

“I have an update regarding Jay,” Hailey said. He could hear a hint of nervousness in her voice.

Will swallowed loudly. Given her tone he was certain she was about to tell him his baby brother was dead.

“Jay’s in prison in Maryland,” she started.

Will had closed his eyes as if that would help receive the news any easier. They snapped open when Hailey reported the unexpected update.

“Wait, what? Jay, prison? Why?” he asked in total confusion. He knew his brother wasn’t perfect. But prison?

“It’s a long story but he has been in prison for the past 7 years,” she said, working to get the words out. “He has been there this whole time,” she repeated, clearly working to hold back emotion.

Will was overcome with emotion. Hailey waited on the line as he breathed deeply into the phone working through the first wave.

“I’m not sure I understand… but how is he?” Will choked out.

Hailey paused for a second, not entirely sure how to answer that.

“Hailey?” he said in a barely audible tone.

She realized it was cruel to leave Will twisting in the wind.

“They’ve roughed him up some. I really haven’t seen him much, so I don’t know the full extent.”

She heard Will emit a long exhale.

“But he is in protective custody now. The worst is behind him,” Hailey assured.

“Ok, I have to talk to Nat, but I’ll be out there as soon as I can. She is back from a conference tomorrow. Once I hand off the kids, I’ll be on the first flight.”

“Will, he isn’t allowed visitors…” Hailey began.

“What? What do you mean? You managed to see him, right? I am his only living family and I am coming to see my brother for god’s sake. And if anyone has a problem with that they can take it up with me.”

Hailey heard crying in the background. “Shit, Jace fell. Look Hailey I have to go. Thank you for telling me. I will text you my flight information once I have sorted everything here.”

Will blinked back to the present and collected his bag from the overhead bin.

“Welcome to Baltimore,” the flight attendant smiled as he stepped off the plane.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

After the dramatic morning, Kim, Trudy, and Makayla were at Kim’s and Adam’s Airbnb.

Hank and the boys went back to the DEA offices with the rest of Hailey’s team. They wanted to help with Veneno and they wanted every resource they could muster to help Jay in some way.

Trudy had smoothed things over with Hailey’s parents. She gave them some museums to visit and wished them well for their trip back to Chicago.

She came to the apartment after the familial clean-up was done with bags full of fun, mindless nonsense. Nail polish, face masks, trashy magazines, temporary tattoos. You name it. If it wasn’t nailed down she bought it.

“I told you the pizza here is garbage,” Makayla laughed as Kim took a bite and bad a sour face.

“Carbs and cheese, how did they mess this up?” she mused.

Hailey had peeled off her gown and was on the couch with blankets pulled over her face.

She had to shut out North’s words or a dark hole would swallow her whole.

She completely agreed with him.

Her meddling led to North punishing Jay.

Because of her he convinced the warden to press new charges on Jay for attempted murder. Because of her Jay had unauthorized visits, breaking the terms of his plea deal. Because of her any hope for parole had been destroyed.

She was numb. So much had transpired in the last few hours her brain did what it had to do to protect her from a total breakdown. It ceased to process anything.

Makayla waved Trudy and Kim over. “Um Dottie just texted this to Hailey?” she said holding up her aunt’s phone.

“I am going to Bermuda with Alex to help him pick up the pieces from the disaster you created. Can you please text the following number giving permission to change your name on the reservation to mine?”

“Oh their honeymoon. How creepy she wants to go with him. Don’t even ask Hailey.”

Kim took the phone, texted the hotel, and responded to Dottie(she knew Hailey’s password so that made things easy).

“It’s done. Enjoy,” was all she texted back before blocking the number from contacting Hailey again.

As she was putting the phone down it buzzed again. This time she couldn’t shield Hailey.

“Hey Hail,” she said as she sat beside her on the couch.

“Hailey!” Trudy yelled.

“What is it?” she groaned in response still hiding form the world under a think piece of polyester.

“Will texted. He just landed,” Kim said gently.

Hailey shimmied up into a sitting position as she pulled the blanket off her face.

Confronting her trauma and pain would have to wait for another day.

“Shit, I don’t even know what to tell him,” she confessed.

“How about we give him the address and then just tell him what you know. Facts plain and simple,” Kim suggested compassionately.

Hailey shook her head. There was no other way around it.

“How about we do some face masks to freshen up?” Trudy suggested.

Within minutes they each had a different color hydrating mask covering their faces.

It was a perfect silly little distraction. They spent the next 20 minutes comparing ingredients cantaloupe and aloe, mint and rosewood, lavender and lemon peel. It really helped time pass so that Hailey wasn’t mired in anxiety awaiting Will’s arrival.

The doorbell rang and Hailey hurried to the bathroom to peel off the mask and rinse her face.

She opened the door to a familiar mop of red hair.

Will came over and lifted her off the ground in a huge hug.

“Oh man it is good to see you,” he said still not putting his ex-sister-in-law down.

Hailey buried her head into his chest. Something about it felt familiar, felt like Jay.

He sensed her start to tear up.

“Oh hey, hey, come on now, I didn’t mean to do that,” he said gently lowering her to the ground only to reveal matching tears on his own cheeks.

Pleasantries continued for a few minutes between Will and the other woman in the house.

“Ginger as ever, I see,” Trudy said as she pulled him in for a hug. “Anymore hickeys you need me to check out?” Will slung back.

Trudy just smiled instead of zinging him again. It was damn good to see a Halstead healthy and in the flesh.

After settling down and coffee had by all, Kim, Trudy, and Makayla went out to grab some take out for everyone. Really the left to give the two former in laws some time to talk.

“Hailey, it really is good to see you,” Will reassured her. He saw how ragged she seemed. Her makeup from the wedding all smudged from the face mask and harried rinse of her face. Her puffy eyes from crying. Her heart laying right there on her sleeve.

“When can I see Jay?” he asked.

“Will, I don’t know if you can. He is only allowed two visitors and neither one of those names is us.”

“What kind of bullshit is that?” Will responded impulsively.

“He signed a deal,” Hailey began.

“What sort of deal?” Will reasonably asked.

She took a deep breath, “he agreed to a deal limiting who he could contact and who could visit.”

“Why on earth would he do that? What crime did he commit that required that? Usually those kinds of limits are only put on unstable psych ward patients if warranted… oh god is it his PTSD? Is he in the prison psych ward?” Will asked in rapid fire succession.

“No, no, it’s nothing like that. He… Will he confessed to a murder he didn’t commit to protect me, Hank, and the rest of the unit from losing everything.”

Saying those words to Jay’s brother was one of the hardest things she ever choked out.

Will sat in stunned silence.

“You are telling me my brother fell off the face of the earth for the past 7 years to protect… to protect your old unit?”

Hailey nodded in affirmation. “Hank and I got mired in a bad situation…”

“Hailey, I….” Will started and then the words just got stuck.

“He missed everything. He missed every special moment and all the tough ones,” Will said in sadness.

Hailey just sat there as the news washed over Will.

She saw the tension build as the veins in his forehead started to bulge and his fists tighten.

“Hailey, I don’t give a fuck if you have to knock down the prison walls, but I am going to see my brother tomorrow.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will got up, grabbed his suitcase, walked out, and slammed the door.

At first Hailey’s team hit a snafu. Not only was Will not on the approved visiting list, North arranged for the Warden to come down hard given Jay was on a behavioral improvement plan. As punishment for the altercation in the library he would no longer be given the leeway to see his social workers or anyone else aside from North or Sigan.

No more sneaking in visits and surreptitious discussions.

Luckily, Fritz had something up his sleeve.

Adam texted Will at 7 am the next morning. “You bring your doctors bag and scrubs?” he asked.

“I have my kit, but no scrubs,” he answered almost instantaneously.

“Ok we can get those at a nursing supply store,” Adam wrote back. “Text me your hotel address and be downstairs at 8.”

The plan was simple. The prison was overrun with RSV, COVID, Strep throat. You name the fall virus, and the prison was grappling with it en masse. The medical temp agency the prison used in these instances was easy to sweet talk. Given that Will was a seasoned ER doctor, it made the request for helping out in the protective custody wing easy. They actually needed more doctors on their roster. The only drawback was he would have to go in under his real name. The medical temp agency did thorough background checks. It would take days if not longer to get an alias that would pass their smell test. It was a risk worth taking.

So that was how Will found himself being searched at North Branch Correctional Institution.

He did what he could to maintain a stoic face, but Adam had just spent the car ride over going over the extent of Jay’s medical file.

He was devastated. That devastation had to be channeled somehow, so he retreated to the tried-and-true Halstead way. Pissy anger.

Once he made it past security he looked at the log of inmates in protective custody he was assigned to.

Adam told him Jay should be in cell #143. So if he wasn’t on the list find a way to get to that cell.

As luck would have it Ryan Clarke in cell #143 was 11^th on his list.

Jay woke up coughing. He felt sore, but the sedatives actually helped get him a decent night’s rest. Not something that happened often in recent years.

He looked down and noticed he had been freshened up. Cleanly shaven. Teeth brushed. A clean jumpsuit with his inmate number stamped on. Feeling squeamish about this all happening when he was unconscious, he rubbed his eyes trying to shake off the effects of the sedatives.

As his mind continued to lift from the fog, he began to remember what transpired the day before.

A cruel shudder cascaded from head to toe. He couldn’t allow a repeat performance. Yesterday was a lot. He was broken down and borderline hallucinatory. He had practiced shutting down his desires for years. It was time to reactivate that hard earned skill.

He spent the rest of the morning etching tiny markings in the cell block with his fingernails. His goal was to get to 2,190 little divots to represent the minimum number of days he had left in that cell

“Clarke,” the guard called. “Stand at attention.”

Jay did as all the prisoners were trained to do. He did his best to get up quickly on his feet and stood with his face pointed to the corner of his cell with his hands up against the wall.

“Doctor is here to see you,” the guard said as Will walked through the door.

“You can turn around, Ryan,” the guard ordered. “Keep your hands to yourself unless you want some time in the hole,” he reminded.

Jay turned around trying to hide how much his backside was hurting from yesterday’s moving around. His stitches were pulling, and it worried him something came loose.

When he turned to face the door his heart skipped a few beats as standing right in front of him wearing maroon scrubs, pushing the prison medical trolley was, “ Dr. Halstead,” the guard introduced.

“Thanks, I got it from here,” Will said waving off the guard.

“Sorry Doc. Rules are rules. He is a violent one. Trust me our protocols are here to protect you,” the guard said. “If you prefer he be restrained to the bed for your exam, I am happy to do that.”

“No, please, that is not necessary.” The thought of it even being offered made Will sick to his stomach.

The guard turned his back to allow for some privacy. “I’ll be right here,” he said as he stood outside the cell.

Will nodded.

He looked at Jay briefly, taking in an angry breath.

“Sit down,” he said with serious authority..

Jay sat on the floor. He did his best to hide the pain the movement caused, but of course his brother saw through him like he was invisible.

Will did not say a word to Jay aside from barking orders.

“Remove your top,” he said. Jay silently obliged and struggled with the cast and buttons. Will stepped in and did it for him and slid his arms out of the sleeves.

“Left arm,” he said as he rotated Jay’s casted arm to check for mobility in his shoulder.

“Right,” he said again checking the other extremity.

Will took a lot of time feeling and examining Jay’s head. Adam told him all he remembered about Jay’s injuries including the traumatic brain injury (TBI) he suffered and the craniotomy that followed. It made Will physically ill to think that he went through that alone. No one deserved such cruelty.

Satisfied, he moved to Jay’s eyes and face. They didn’t really make eye contact beyond doctor patient necessity.

He stuck a thermometer in Jay’s ear and noted the result.

Jay felt Will’s anger. He knew his brother. Whatever it was he was feeling he needed to let it work its course. Will would come around when he was ready. That’s how the Halstead men rolled. In a bizarre way it was comforting to Jay. Feeling something from Will was tangible, it was something real compared to what his existence had been reduced to at North Branch.

The chest examination went just as coldly. Jay held his breath as Will poked at his aching torso.

Will took out his stethoscope the cold metal on Jay’s skin elicited a small shiver.

“Breathe.”

“Again.”

“Again.”

“Deep breathe.”

Will sat listening to his brother’s breath sounds for longer than usual. He didn’t like what he was hearing.

He got up and walked to the door. He waited for the rotating nurse to come buy with the iPad for prescriptions.

“Mr. Clarke has got a crackle in his lungs and a low-grade temperature. I see Tylenol was administered 10 hours ago; he should be receiving a dose every 6 hours. I’d also like to start him on Zithromax. He is showing early signs of walking pneumonia. Please add in an order for a chest Xray. Both to check his lungs and to see the extent of those rib injuries. His file says bruised but I’m not so sure about that.”

The nurse nodded as Will continued. 

“I see his record doesn’t show he has an allergy to Penicillin. Please update that immediately.”

Will noticed he slipped up there. He knew his brother’s allergy because Jay had it since he was a baby. He remembered his Mom screaming when 11-month-old Jay had an awful looking head to toe rash. Luckily it was just from his first course of antibiotics and nothing serious.

“Uh the patient just notified me of the allergy, so better late than never,” he said as a cover to his slip up.

“Do you know when ophthalmology does a rotation here?” he asked the nurse.

Shaking his head, “no but would you like me to put in a request for the next time one does come in?”

“Yes thank you.”

“He looks a bit gaunt,” Will pointed out to the nurse. “Was he always like this or is it since he started the post-exposure prophylaxis (PEP)?”

The nurse pulled up Jay’s records and flipped the iPad over for Will to see. “Looks like the real decline recently began with the PEP treatment,” the nurse confirmed.

“I just need you to sign off on these orders,” the nurse says pulling up the aforementioned forms. Will quickly signed off on everything before he walked back into Jay’s cell and continued his exam.

Jay played along doing everything his brother asked.

“Stand up,” Will ordered.

Jay trembled for a moment. That did not go unnoticed by his observant medical provider.

He couldn’t really get up without awkward movements which would tell his brother more than he wanted to say.

“Stand up,” Will barked louder.

“We have a problem in here?” the guard said peeking his head in.

“No, all good,” Will assured.

“Stand up!” Will hissed quietly.

“Will,” Jay finally said after remaining completely silent up to that point.

“Stand the fuck up,” Will hissed again.

Jay finally resigned to his brother’s command.

He couldn’t use his legs because that would activate the trauma on his back side. So he awkwardly twisted to the side, using his good hand and casted arm to lean on, he clumsily pushed himself up.

It was awful to watch. Yet Will stood unmoving and stone faced.

He came around Jay’s back and felt around for kidney trauma and other possible organ damage visible from a physical exam. The threshold for an MRI or Cat Scan in prison was high. Will was looking for anything to build a case so he could know definitively the state of his brother’s physical wellbeing.

“Will,” Jay said again.

His brother continued to ignore him, staying stonily in professional game face as he checked his brothers hips for motion.

“Will,” Jay whispered again with a little more gusto.

“Pants down,” Will said.

Jay didn’t move.

Will made a move to pull down the rest of the jumpsuit himself, when Jay grabbed his arm aggressively, “NO!!” he said louder than he intended. For the first time theirs eyes locked. It was intense. Boy did their shared gaze held many multitudes. The intensity between them was everything.

The guard came in. “Clarke what did I tell you about disobeying orders?” he said grabbing for his baton on his belt.

“No need for that, my exam is done. I gave his prescriptions to the nurse,” Will said breaking the stare with his brother.

With that Will packed up the instruments he used and walked out.

----------------------------------------------------------------

­­Hailey and Hank waited outside the prison entry/exit. “There he is,” she said. They had waited for Will as his shift was scheduled to end at 5 but they were so busy he stayed till well past 630.

“Will,” Hank called as he and Hailey walked toward the elder Halstead.

At first they thought Will couldn’t hear his name as he stalked toward the parking lot, backpack slung over his shoulder.

“Will,” Hailey yelled out. They started walking double time to catch up to him.

“Halstead,” Hank said as he grabbed Will’s arm.

“What?” Will says in anger.

They are both a little taken aback by Will’s demeanor.

“We just wanted to hear how he is doing. It’s been hard to get updates,” Hank said stating the obvious.

“How he’s doing?” How he’s doing?” Hailey saw the rage building as her heart sunk.

“Hmmm let’s see, well he is beaten to a pulp. He is recovering poorly from surgery he had to repair injuries from a violent gang rape. He has developed walking pneumonia. His right eye looks like garbage, but I’d need an ophthalmologist to tell me more. He can’t stand or sit properly due to his injuries. His ribs have likely been broken and left untreated. He is too thin, losing weight from the anti-viral drugs he is on that will HOPEFULLY prevent him from contracting HIV. Oh and yeah he will be stuck in there for god knows how many more years. So all in all I’d say he is just peachy,” Will growled.

They both got the message. Will was angry. He had every right to be.

“Do you need a ride?” Hailey asked softly afraid to make eye contact.

“I need a lot of things. I need my brother to be out of that hellhole. I need him to get some proper fucking medical care. I need to resist the urge to strangle him for putting himself in this position. But what I most definitely do not need is anything from either of you,” he spat out viciously.

“Will, you have every right to be angry,” Hank said in agreement.

“Your damn straight I do. You know I never liked him working in Intelligence. From that first week I was back in Chicago and helped you with that shady bullet removal in some house on the South Side. There I am performing unmedicated surgery in an unsterile environment and then intruders with guns come and all hell breaks loose. I tried asking Jay about it and he just smirked saying, “we are a specialized unit.”

“But what right did I have to tell him how to live his life?” Will said as his anger began to wane and his exhausted sadness creeped in.

“He did everything for you all. Whatever it took, no matter the risk, no matter the harm to himself. Finally Bolivia was going to be a way for him to reset. And now this. I should have known it was because of you,” Will simply could not contain his anger.

“He gave it all away. He just handed the keys of the castle to the FBI to keep your sorry asses out of prison for a crime YOU committed. Not him.”

Tears started forming in the corner of Will’s eyes. “Please just leave us the hell alone,” he said quietly before turning his back and walking away.

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Hailey and Hank solemnly drove back to the DEA HQ in silence. There was simply nothing to say. Will was right. They deserved that verbal lashing, and so much more.

So they did the only thing they knew how to do. The only thing they could think of to honor Jay. They got back to work

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Jay was sitting in the visitation booth trying to shift and find a comfortable way to sit when Gwen Sigan appeared on the other side of the window.

“Ryan, good to see you,” she said as she pulled out a file and notepad.

Ever the conversationalist, Jay just nodded.

“How are you doing? It’s been a rough couple of days,” she asked with real concern.

“Good,” was the loquacious answer he selected.

“Good?” she said with a tilt of her head, knowing Jay wasn’t going to be sharing much.

“Ok, let’s talk about your case,” she said looking over her notes.

“As you know these new attempted murder charges carry a lot of ramifications. The evidence against you doesn’t look great. But if you wanted to go to trial we can argue self-defense, that you did what you had to do to fight back a group of rapists…”

Jay looked up. No way in hell was he going to let all that come to light in front of a jury, a courtroom. Not to mention if he lost that could be another 10 years. “No,” he said emphatically.

“You sure, Jay? You’d have a decent shot at winning, keeping your sentence to the original 10 years.”

“Other options?” he asked as he telegraphed there was no way in hell option one was happening.

“The FBI is willing to give you 3 additional years if you plead guilty. To sweeten the deal North will not pursue Hank, Hailey, or anyone else in intelligence despite the infractions you committed against your original deal.”

Jay took in the offer. “So they remain untouched in exchange for 3 more years?”

“Yes. But Jay are you sure you don’t want to consider…”

“Do it.”

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“Hold on Mak, let me put you on speaker phone.”

Kim plugs the phone into the communications system in the conference room.

“Ok, go ahead.”

“Hey everyone. So I shared Ryan’s plea deal with Professor Reynolds,” she started.

Everyone nodded. Desmond Reynolds was a legendary public defender.

“Essentially the answer is yes a case can be made that this deal violates the 8^th amendment. The only time a prisoner can be denied total communication with family is if their family members request it directly, if they are in the psych ward and their physician advises as such, if they committed a crime against said family, or if they temporarily are on a behavioral modification plan that suggests short term isolation. But both having a defendant sign such a deal under duress and not notifying family after his life-threatening injuries are most definitely violations of the threshold for cruel and unusual punishment.”

Makayla still didn’t know this was really about her uncle Jay. That didn’t change the fact that their little brilliant whippersnapper may have just saved the day.

“It’ll take a little time for us to look up precedent, but we think you could build a compelling case.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The teams worked to finalize the details of the multi-state Veneno bust that was nearing reality. Maybe Jay’s roll as CI could help get him some leniency moving forward.

“We can’t wait to get every correctional officer in every prison. It will take months if not longer to figure that all out. The FBI and DEA honchos agree that it’s the wardens, major players, and the gang itself that need to be taken down. The longer we wait, the more of the tainted product gets out on the streets.”

The plan made sense. Hailey and her team would be suiting up to go on the bust in Texas. The joint task force between the FBI and the DEA would be spreading agents across the country. This was a massive, risky operation, one that could save thousands of lives.

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Will is antsy. He tells the temp agency he can work anytime, any hours. He tells them his preference for the protective custody wing, but the prison’s needs seem to mostly be in general population. Patient after patient he sees, hoping, praying he’d have a chance to see Jay again.

He was mad. Insanely mad at his brother. They were all they had left of their nuclear family. How one man could be supremely selfless and stupidly selfish all at once?

If he was being honest with himself at the core this wasn’t about anger.

Will was hurt.

Jay chose to protect his intelligence family over him. He sacrificed watching his nephews grow up, he missed Will’s wedding, he wasn’t there to comfort Will when baby Jason needed surgery to fix a heart abnormality. Hell Jay didn’t even know his mini-me even existed, so he certainly wasn’t there to pass out cigars when he was born.

And yet, deep inside Will knew his brother. He knew Jay could never let people he loved hurt. He knew that Jay’s love for Hailey was beautiful, deep, and the most important thing in his life. He knew that kid brother of his had a giving soul this world did not deserve.

While the anger and disappointment loomed large, the wholehearted sorrow burrowed deeper.

Jay was such a good man. Too good. So good he made his life disposable to better service others. And now what remained of the man Will loved so dearly lay battered in a dustbin.

Will called his family on the West Coast every morning and evening, he received his wife’s blessing to take all the time he needed, and he worked every day in Jay’s prison, waiting for the chance to be with him again.

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Hank and Kim waited for a very long time in Walker North’s office. They knew this was just a mind game being played so they didn’t let it get to them.

“Well, well look what the cat dragged in,” Walker began.

Hank threw down a memo onto the table.

“We are sorry for what happened to Joey. No one deserves that,” Kim began.

Walker’s smug smile faded.

“That doesn’t make hurting Jay so cruelly excusable. He is a good cop, a good man. You know that. That is why you thought he would roll on Hank in the first place, right?”

“I am not here to take a stroll down memory lane,” Walker spitefully remarked.

“And Kim you have the nerve to show your face here, when you are the reason Jay had to make the choice he did,” Walker said with a wry smile.

“You shut your mouth,” Hank said standing up with fury.

“Oh Hank sit down. You are like a little angry puppy. So quick to tantrum. What is that?” he asked looking at the memo on the table.

“That is the most venerated public defender in history saying that deal you and Gwen collaborated on is unconstitutional.”

Walker picked it up and quickly scanned the summary and contents. He smiled and put it down.

“You have no proof of that. What is it that you want?” he asked.

“You know what we want,” Hank said.

“No fucking way. You’ll take me out of here in a body bag before I agree to letting your kid walk out of that prison,” he said firmly.

Kim and Hank new this was a long shot. They just wanted to let North know they were gunning for him.

North stood up from the table .”I’ll be sure to share with my favorite little inmate your warmest regards.”

Kim put her hand on Hank’s leg, begging him not to react.

-----------------------------------------

Will and Trudy were having dinner together, when a text came into her phone.

“Put on CNN, or Fox, or whatever you’ve got,” she said.

They were sitting in Will’s short-term rental in Bethesda, Maryland. Only about 10 minutes away from Jay. Despite not being able to see him, Will liked the idea of being as close as possible.

Trudy took a leave of absence from the 21^st. She couldn’t go back to day to day pretending everything was ok. In fact they all followed suit. Maybe they couldn’t stay in the Washington area forever, but they were lucky enough to get put on the Veneno case which bought them some time.

Trudy and Will watched as the directors of the FBI and DEA held a press conference heralding the biggest take down of heroine distribution in United States history. There was Hailey front and center. This was as juicy of a story as they come. Not only did one of the largest crime and drug syndicates just fall in dramatic fashion, but 4 wardens and 27 correctional officers were arrested too. They couldn’t lasso everyone involved, but the machinations of justice were churning in the right direction. Oh how the mighty had fallen.

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Will finally was assigned to the protective custody wing again. He saw Ryan Clarke on his list and estimated it would about an hour of work before he got to him. He was nervously excited. He was a jerk to Jay the first time they saw him. He worked through his anger a little and was ready to comfort his brother this time around. He was chomping at the bit for the chance.

That morning Jay was trying to do his exercises. He was in pain. The X-rays Will ordered confirmed he in fact cracked three ribs and had developed walking pneumonia. Every breath hurt, and every cough was worse.

Jay lied to his doctors about how his more intimate injuries were healing. He didn’t need to be touched or prodded any further.

He was lying on his bed nearing 2000 divots in the wall when his cell door opened.

It was early, too early.

“Clarke get up. Random search!!” the guard yelled out.

“Now?” he asked in surprise as his cell was recently searched when he was moved back to protective custody.

“Shut up boy. You know the drill strip and stand with your pretty little face in the corner, hands on the wall!!” the guard commanded.

Some guards were kind to Jay, others not so much.

The prison did random searches of inmate’s cells to make sure contraband wasn’t being smuggled illegally. Jay couldn’t help but smirk given all the heroine these guys were peddling through the prison and into local communities.

Coughing heavily he got up and began to remove his jumpsuit. His casted arm always made this task impossibly slow.

As he finally peeled his orange garb off, he went to remove his socks and underwear. He threw the last items onto his bed in a pile. He covered his front side with his hands and turned toward the corner before put lifting his hands to the wall.

“Deep breathes,” he thought to himself. It was hard to allow himself to be exposed.

Hypermax prison does that to you though. You are exposed in more ways than you thought possible. This physical exposure was a way for correctional officers to remind you they have complete control. You are their bitch for as long as you were consigned to their supervision. Some guards were gracious and practical, others not so much.

Two men in cleaning crew uniforms came in wearing ski caps and KN-95 masks. The guard nodded, walked out, and closed the cell door.

“We hear you like to talk,” one of the men said filled with spite. “We will teach you how to keep your mouth shut.”

Jay swallowed hard. It wasn’t hard to put two and two together.

------------------------------------------------------------

Will was seeing his first patient of the morning, he had four more to go until he got to be with Jay.

“Ok so it’s pretty clear you have a hernia. I will order an MRI to confirm officially and surgery will be scheduled in the next month or two depending on the visiting surgeons schedule,” he said to Joseph Long in cell #74.

A guard came into the cell, “doc we need you for a minute,” he said with a sense of urgency.

“Sure, have a good rest of the day Mr. Long and remember if you develop any sudden or severe pain let the guards know to call for a doctor immediately.”

“Thanks Doc.”

Will removed his gloves and threw them in the bag on his medical trolley. The cell door locking behind him as he followed the frantic guard down the hall.

“I don’t know what happened. He was fine at wakeup rounds. His cell was cleaned and then I find him like this…”

Will’s heart starts to pound as he realizes which cell he is approaching.

He walks in to find two guards next to a beaten to hell naked Jay on the ground.

He dives into action. “What the fuck happened?” He was looking at some of the bruising. “Was he beaten with a baton?”

Will stopped asking questions and started getting down to business.

“Hey Jay… can you hear me buddy?” Will didn’t even realize he called his brother by his real name. The guards figured he was just confused. “It’s Ryan,” they said trying to help.

“Ryan, ok right, Ryan, Ryan you with me?”

Will rubbed his knuckles on Jay’s sternum, wincing at the shifting bones beneath his fingers.

The pain stimuli was enough to elicit a response as Jay started coughing violently spraying blood across his brother’s face.

“Goddamnit!! What is the protocol for an emergency? We need more than the infirmary we need a hospital!!”

“The guard reached for his walkie talkie. Code green, code green. We need escort ambo stat.”

Will laid Jay down flat on the ground. He was naked and beaten badly. He reached over to the bed to give his brother a modicum of privacy.

Two things frightened him the most: 1. Whether or not Jay’s TBI was reinjured. 2. The state of his cough and his ribs were not a good combo. He laid his ear on his brother’s chest to ensure his heart was beating.

Jay’s eyes fluttered open at half-mast. He saw the mess of red hair under his chin. He tried to talk but all that came out was gurgling sounds.

“Hey. We are going to get you some help. You are not alone, ok? That part in all of this is over. You are not alone.”

Will worked as gently as he could to ensure Jay was stable for transport.

It felt like an eternity until prison medical staff arrived. They lifted Jay onto the gurney and put an oxygen mask on that immediately got sprayed with more blood. Will was working on inserting an IV when he noticed them cuffing Jay’s arms to the gurney.

“What the hell? We don’t have time for this,” he snapped.

“Doctor he is a convicted murderer. He is not leaving this cell without stipulated precautions.”

Will pushed aside his anger as they continued to strap Jay down and focused on what he could control.

“How far is the hospital?” he asked.

“About 15 minutes including getting out of the building,” the medical staffer answered.

Will watched as monitors were attached, listened with relief to Jay’s steady heartrate.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey was on her flight back from Texas. It had been a long 48 hours. The bust was insane, multifaceted, a logistical nightmare that included DEA, FBI, Border Control, and local police.

The DEA insisted to use her as one of the faces of the brave that took down the deadliest crime syndicate in decades. She hated every second of the attention and knew they were propping her up there as a pretty blonde badass face. The big plus side, however, was that she was consumed in business, allowing thoughts of Jay to fall back in her mind.

The plane ride was quiet. Too quiet. Now she had time to think.

She was a mess. She harbored guilt larger than anything she had ever experienced. He not only destroyed his life for her, he let his existence evaporate into nothing. It was like Jay Halstead ceased to be of this world. Then, she arrogantly comes trapsing in focused on her own anger, inadvertently endangering the deal he struck to keep her and their family safe.

Adding to the heft, Hailey was irrepressibly sad. She held a sorrow that threatened to choke her from inside. She had misread his departure so badly and it led to a heartache she had never known. All the love, trust, acceptance, decency he brought to the surface and into her life backfired. For in its absence nothing living remained that produced oxygen for her to breath.

She would never unsee the image of Jay sitting isolated in his wheelchair. She couldn’t fully understand the loneliness he continued to experience but that image helped put the feeling in her hands. How much could one man endure before giving up? She imagined him being attacked, she imagined him fighting back, she imagined his desperation when he was overpowered, she imagined him going mute to his caretakers in the aftermath.

Hailey Upton knew Jay Halstead. She knew how he thought and how much shame he carried when he felt he let someone down.

Was it possible that even now, after endless heartache, the universe still granted her access to effortlessly comprehend what made him tick?

The human mind is not one dimensional, Hailey’s anger was still ever present. She felt bad about it, but she was still extraordinarily angry at Jay. He hurt her in ways she didn’t think possible. On some level, worse than her father, for she never expected better from her Dad. She couldn’t just pretend her agony didn’t happen. They were a team, partners, soulmates. How dare he make that decision on his own? Logically she understood he was trying to protect her, but she would have much preferred going to jail than living through the past 7 years without him. How could he not understand that?

She was stuck. After spending years getting over Jay, how on earth was she supposed to process it all over again? Some baggage is too heavy to unpack.

Hailey and her team waited for a DEA escort SUV. They were expected back at headquarters for a debrief.

Hailey and Kat got in the first car that arrived and the guys hopped in the second.

Hailey was just about to dose off when her phone vibrated.

It was Trudy. “I don’t have details yet, but on the way to hospital. Will texted. Jay was attacked. Dropping the address in the next line.”

“Excuse me,” she yelled to the driver. “I need to get to Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore now.”

--------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey and Kat ran down the hallway and came upon Adam and Kevin first.

“What’s going on? Is he ok?” she asked.

“Will has been a little cagey so don’t have many details. They are taking him up to surgery now,” Kevin said as they parted ways so Hailey could get a glimpse.

Trudy, Kim, Dante, and Hank stood against the wall.

Hailey could see Jay being wheeled towards the elevator by a few hospital staff and Will.

Kim grabbed Hailey’s hand before she proceeded past the demarcation of the reception area and the surgical suites. “Hailey, we aren’t allowed,” she said quietly. Oh right they still think Will is just a doctor.

Jay looked small on the voluminous stretcher. A nurse stood by pumping air through a manual ambo bag.

They all watched as Will bent down and kissed Jay’s forehead with a tender slowness. If only all the love, the admiration, the strength he carried could be transferred through his touch. He let his lips lay on Jay’s head for a few long beats, pressing his own forehead against his brother’s.

They couldn’t make out what Jay’s doctor said, but Will raised his head, wiped away some tears, and looked on as they wheeled Jay into the elevator.

Will looked back briefly at the team. He hesitated, before turning away and walking in the other direction toward the surgical waiting room. That emotional display was a risky, brazen fuck you to Walker North. They’d have to pry Will away by force.

“Is he shutting us out?” Hailey asked.

“Just give him some time,” Trudy urged.

“What happened? I thought Jay was back in protective custody?” Hailey asked looking around the group for any answers.

“We don’t know yet. It seems that two maintenance workers were let into his cell and…,” Adam said.

“Let in? I thought this was a hyper max security facility,” Kim snapped. “Isn’t the whole point that they run a tight ship. How does that happen?”

Hank uncrossed his arms. “The question is not how, its who,” he said hoarsely.

Unsure how to proceed they all ended up littering the hallways.

Hank leaned against the wall. Kim and Adam sat on the floor. Kim’s head asleep on his shoulder. Kevin and Dante keeping pace with Hailey going up and down the halls.

Trudy came up from behind her magazine, “Will just texted.”

The elder Halstead gave Trudy a pass from his anger as she never put Jay in harm’s way. Will felt Trudy looked out for him and shouldn’t be lumped in with his intelligence ire.

“Is he ok?” Hailey asked, scared to hear the answer.

“Will says orthopedic surgery going well so far. Putting his collarbone and ribs back together,” Trudy began.

This was the first they were hearing any details of his injuries so they were eager to hear.

“Hold on this is doctor speak, let me read it so I don’t mess this up.”

“ Cat Scan showed a subdural hematoma near where his previous brain injury occurred. Likely took a blow that aggravated a weak blood vessel. Doctors are monitoring it for now, hoping surgery will not be necessary.”

“Some infected tissue from a previous surgery is concerning. Doctors are going back in to remove the tissue and resuture…” Trudy didn’t want to read the rest as she felt Jay wouldn’t want something like that broadcasted.

She didn’t need to. They looked down at the floor feeling so sad for their beloved friend.

“Will says another hour or so and he should be out if everything stays stable.”

Two and half hours later Trudy was brought to Jay’s ICU room. She sweet talked the federal officer standing guard outside his room, flashed her badge, and exhaled after being granted entry.

She wasn’t really prepared for what she walked into.

Will was just staring at his brother.

Eyes unmoving, he updated Trudy, “Um so the pneumonia got worse. His broken ribs are making it impossible for him to take deep breaths, hence the vent.”

Trudy noticed Jay’s head was wrapped in bandaging with foreign devices sticking out. Will continued. “That monitor on his head is to measure the pressure on his brain. Looks scarier than it is.”

“Can I get you anything?” Trudy asked sitting gently beside him.

Will exhaled deeply. “Uh I am ok, thank you.”

“You ok if I text the team with the latest?”

Will didn’t respond. Trudy didn’t press any further.

After 15 minutes of sitting in the monotonous quiet of Jay’s mechanical vent Will looked to Trudy unprompted, “what would Jay want?”

Trudy was unsure what he meant. She thought Jay’s prognosis was optimistic. Had she misunderstood? Were we really at the point of end-of-life care decision making? Her stomach did a little somersault.

“He did so much to keep everyone away. Would he want them here?” he said finally breaking his stare towards his brother and shifting his eyes to Trudy.

She saw the pain swimming in his eyes.

“Will, you are his next of kin it is your choice,” she said.

“Trudy, please.”

She held Jay’s un-casted arm, careful not to aggravate the IV snaking up his arm.

“I think Jay trusts you to make decisions while he is out of commission. You in turn have to trust your gut. You know our guy better than anyone,” she said kindly giving him an easy path to take for either decision.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trudy came down the hall and found everyone but Hank fast asleep on the floor.

“Who is up for a sneaking into the ICU?” she asked loudly as her voice abruptly awoke everyone from their slumber.

“Really?” Hailey said expectantly.

“I’ll need some help distracting the officer at the door, but he looks no older than 12,” she smiled as she helped Hailey off the floor.

Hailey froze for a second. “But Will…”

“Who do you think told me to come down and get you?”

Hank and Hailey shared a look.

On the way up Trudy gave them as many details as possible. “The biggest concern is the pneumonia and possible sepsis from an infection from a previous surgery …” they all understood. They had read is file. “That’s all been addressed. Chuckles just needs to rest on the vent until the pneumonia settles and then we get our guy back.”

Getting past the guard was easier than they thought. Given that collectively they flashed more badges than he could count, he ok’d their entry as business.

After those details were sorted, they filed into the room in silence.

Pulling up chairs, leaning on ledges, finding ways to fill the space in the smallest way possible.

It took a minute for Will to acknowledge their presence. But when he did, he did not disappoint.

He stood up and reached his hand out to Hailey.

She cautiously reached out to meet his hand and he pulled her closer.

“Sit,” he said as he motioned her towards the chair in the corner.

“Are you sure?” Hailey asked surprised by Will’s newfound softness.

Will took a breath, it looked like he was fighting back crying. “He has spent the last 7 years alone in every sense of the word. I never want him to be alone again.”

Chapter Text

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Everyone headed Will’s wish and stayed the night. Not that they needed much convincing.

Will’s gesture was touching and allowed for the collective power of community to enter the small ICU room and fill it with something good, something better than monotonous sterility.

Periodically staff would come to check in, swap out IV’s, check incision sites. Will would shoot up and hover over every little checkup.

“Let’s roll him on this side,” one doctor ordered. Checking his backside and doing a brief internal exam with his hand, “looks good. I think we got all the infected tissue. Onto his back again, nice and easy,” the doctor said  removing his gloves, throwing them in the trash.

It was hard to miss Will staring at Jay’s unmoving 102.4-degree temperature on the screen.

“His temp is probably from the pneumonia and overall trauma. His urine output is a little low but acceptable, pulse ox holding steady, blood gases look good. I don’t think its sepsis,” the doctor said trying to convince his fellow doctor.

Will nodded and thanked him.

“That’s good news,” he whispered with happy eyes as everyone woke up from the noise of Jay’s exam.

Will had shared earlier that if the necrotic tissue spread Jay could be in real trouble. You could feel some tension leave the room with the recent update.

“When can he come off the vent?” Adam asks rubbing his eyes.

“As soon as his fever is under 100.3 we will start on a breathing trial. Right now those ribs could use a minute to settle. Guys I know this all looks scary, but things are improving. He won’t have the easiest go of it, but I like the direction we are heading right now.”

Hank grunted in gratitude. They all hoped the doctor was right in more ways than one.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

It was around 5:00 AM when an alarm began to wail.

A nurse came running into the room as everyone abruptly came out of their sleep state.

“It’s the ICP monitor, page the attending neurologist,” Will shouted to the nurse.

“Will?” Hank asked trying to make sense of what was unfolding.

“The pressure is increasing on his brain from the bleed.”

“What does this mean?” Hank asked.

“I don’t know, maybe something medication can handle,” he said eyes unmoving from the flashing monitor.

A minute later Dr. Saunders came in and observed Jay’s monitoring.

“Nancy,” he called to the nurse behind him. “Prep his skull for drilling and drainage, top right quadrant.”

“Drilling?” Hank said in horror.

“I need you all to step outside now. This should take 30 minutes or so.” he snapped as he rushed to prepare his patient for the procedure.

They all filed out as quickly as possible as the nurse began to shave the side of Jay’s head.

“Will… what’s happening?” Kim said trying to remain calm.

“They are going to drill something called a burr hole in his skull. It will relieve the building pressure and hopefully allow them to drain the pooling blood before it releases any toxins.”

Several other staff flew by and into the room with a cart full of medical instruments. A few minutes later the sound of a power drill began.

Knowing the drill was going into their friend’s skull made it the most sickening sound they ever heard.

Will crouched down on the floor with his hands behind his head. He bent over and put his head between his knees.

45 minutes later Dr. Saunders came out as the rest of the procedure support team cleaned up the materials used.

“I know that was scary. It’s never our first choice. But good news, we only had to drill one hole and the pressure quickly went way down and is holding steady. I drained the bleeder and was able to clip it. Of course we will continue to monitor him, but I am hopeful this procedure will avoid any other major intervention.”

“Any sense of possible damage or long-term challenges?” Will asked standing up from the floor.

“We will get some more imaging done later today to make sure we got it all. Given where the bleed was localized, I am cautiously optimistic he will be ok. Perhaps some impaired speech for a while, but nothing too limiting.”

The team came back into the room, one by one assuming their positions.

When Will motioned Hailey to the chair he had been sitting in closest to Jay, she visibly hesitated.

Everyone seemed to understand that Hailey and Jay were one. Even Will despite his bitterness that Jay did this for her. Everyone that is except for Hailey and Jay.

From her perspective, Jay looked defenseless in that bed. His ankles were cuffed to the bed’s foot, tubes were all over his face and arms, vent was tightly taped to his mouth, head freshly bandaged.

Jay had always been a strapping figure. Now he just seemed like a little boy lying in his parent’s super-sized bed. While so much of her instincts were to soothe his vulnerability, something held her back.

She stared at his hand that lay by her side of the bed for a while. It lay delicately and exhausted by his hip.

It was right there in her reach. He sacrificed everything for her. And while complex anger and resentment still remained, he deserved to be thanked for what he so willingly surrendered.

Nothing was stopping her from taking hold and imbuing her love and gratitude into his veins.

Nothing, that is, aside from the crater of mixed emotions between them. The enormity of what she was emoting felt like a threat to Jay’s precarious stability.

She wasn’t ready.

Touched by Will graciously welcoming her into the Halstead’s inner circle the previous night, she contemplated digging deeply and allowing herself to maybe just hold his hand as a starting point.

Perhaps some light had found its way to illuminate the path to making herself vulnerable to Jay again?

The room full of onlookers was unnerving. She promised to try again later that day.

Hailey sat against the wall near Adam.

It had been a long night. Sleep was calling.

-----------------------------------------------------------

A nurse was tending to Jay trying her best to be quiet.  Normally, the ICU did not allow more than two guests at a time but given the police presence outside his door, the staff decided to stay out of it.

Hank’s eyes snapped open when he heard the nurse rustling. He stood up as his anxiety climbed.

“Just freshening him up,” she said sensing Hank’s nerves.

“How’s he doing? Hank said in the best whisper his voice could muster. Sleep was lacking with all the excitement from the night before.

“Stable. ICP still right where it should be. And look fever is down a little to 101.1. He is doing his job,” she smiled.

Hank sat by the bed as the nurse cleaned around Jay’s mouth. Observant and skilled, the nurse picked up on Hank’s internal struggle.

“Would you like to help?” she asked gently.

Hank was taken by surprise. Taking a few seconds to adjust himself, he nodded in affirmation.

“There is all this gunk from surgery, handing Hank a sponge. “The iodine and other disinfectants leaked all over him,” she said as she pulled up the blankets revealing Jay’s cuffed ankles.

The nurse focused on the more sensitive areas on Jay’s upper body and assigned Hank from mid-thigh and below.

“Nice and easy,” she said showing him how she removes all the excess water first and then carefully runs the sponge on Jay’s forearm, expertly maneuvering around his IV’s.

Hank awkwardly started his assignment. First, barely pressing the sponge down on Jay’s bruised calf, too afraid to hurt him.

“It’s ok,” the nurse affirmed. “Firm, yet gentle,” she encouraged. Hank gave a half smirk in response. Firm and gentle was a perfect pithy description for Jay.

Taking the nurse’s cue, Hank began. His hesitation soon melted away as he found something soothing in washing his boy’s legs and feet.

Hank wasn’t a religious man. He walked away from God a long time ago. Or in his view, God walked away from him by continuously shoving the worst of humanity in his face.

Either way, with each dip and squeeze of the sponge, he remembered learning about the sanctity of foot washing as a kid in church.

It was a symbolic example of humbling yourself before God. Perhaps more poignantly for Hank, humbling yourself before someone less fortunate and bestowing dignity and affirming their inherit value through a simple, sacred act.

They say people find God in life’s moments that bring you to your knees. For Hank he wasn’t ready to go that far, but this was as close to sacred as he could remember ever feeling.

Lost in the holy rhythm of his task, Hank hadn’t realized how much time had gone by, or that the rest of the room’s inhabitants had awoken now watching him work in silence. He carefully covered every inch the nurse had assigned, taking special gentle care with the chafing skin beneath the cuffs affixed to Jay’s ankles.

The nurse finished the rest of the upkeep and put her hand on Hank’s shoulder, startling him from the peaceful place washing Jay had taken him.

“Thank you for your help. Same place same time tomorrow?” she asked with a kind smile.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey and Kim were walking down the hall later that day, coffee in hand when Kim came to an abrupt hault.

Hailey looked up and there was Alex standing outside of Jay’s ICU room, observing him through the window.

“I’m ok,” she assured Kim squeezing her arm.

“Don’t go far,” Kim urged as she watched Alex nervously pace back and forth.

Hailey nodded and walked toward her ex-fiancé.

“Alex, what are you doing here?” Hailey asked in a whispered tone.

“Let’s go to the waiting room. I checked its empty. We can have some privacy,” he answered putting his arm around her back to escort her along.

“It’s good to see you,” he said with a small smile.

“Alex, honestly this isn’t the best time.”

“How’s he doing? Is he going to be ok? I really want him to be ok,” Alex asked.

Hailey was equally surprised by Alex’s interest in her ex-husband and touched that he was here to show concern.

“It was a rough night, but the doctors feel optimistic that he is going to be ok.”

“Oh that’s good news,” he said with visible relief.

“Alex, thank you for stopping by, but…” she began.

“It’s kind of my fault Hailey,” he confessed quickly, trampling on her words.

“Alex I know we should talk about what happened. I should have ended things earlier, saved everyone from so much heartbreak. I never meant to hurt you or your family.”

Alex looked at her slightly confused, “no Hailey I mean what happened to Jay, it may be a little my fault.”

Hailey stepped back from him. “What?”

“Look it was an accident. I never intended for this to happen.”

Hailey looked at him with piercing eyes, “Alex what are you saying?”

“Ok please just listen. Just understand where I was coming from before jumping to conclusions,” Alex said in a way that turned Hailey off.

“You told me your ex-husband was in jail and working as a CI for the DEA. My team has worked with staff and inmates as CI’s at Jay’s prison for years.”

Hailey could tell where this was going. She started breathing heavily, trying to retain composure.

“Hailey I called to ask about Ryan. You know do a little homework, get a sense of whether his connection to you was going to be a problem.”

“Alex…” Hailey began but the tension in her body led to an incessant ringing in her ears.

By this time Kevin and Adam poked their heads in. Kim had sent them “to get coffee.”

“Hailey, you ok in here?” Kevin asked.

She nodded and barely got out, “yeah, fine.”

They sensed something was up. “Ok well we will be sitting right out here if you need anything.”

When they were out of sight Alex continued. “I guess when the big Veneno bust went down and a few correctional officers from Jay’s prison were arrested, they started to put two and two together. Ryan recently having visitors which was never allowed before. Me calling as a DEA agent to get the low-down on him. An incident where he saw where some of the drugs were stashed. The timing of it all…”

“Oh my God Alex are you telling me Jay was attacked from the inside because you blew his cover? The guards knew he was an informant?” Hailey said harshly.

“Look I am horrified. I was wrong to have checked in with a CI that potentially wielded power over Jay. I was wrong to have drawn any attention. I’ll do whatever it takes to make it up to you.”

“To me? Alex to me? What about him? He is laying in an ICU bed beaten and ill. He is really sick. They had to drill a hole in his… he is going to have a painful recovery if he is lucky enough to get through this. Alex, this isn’t about me or you.”

“I will do whatever you ask. Does he need a friend? I’ll come visit him at every week. Whatever you think will make him feel good.”

“A friend? Are you serious? He isn’t allowed any visitors. And Alex, if you try to step foot anywhere near him, I will kill you. Do you understand?” she said getting in his face full of anger.

“I feel sick about this, Hails. No matter what happened between us I never would purposefully cause harm to someone. He didn’t deserve this. I will do whatever I can to make it right. Please you know me well enough to know that?”

Hailey’s head was spinning. She was trying with all her might to deal with Jay being back in her life. To accept what she now knows to be true regarding why he walked away. To not let the guilt, and the anger, and the love to swallow her whole. Why was there so much damn love?

Now Alex comes with this confession. Another anvil to lay across Hailey’s chest. Jay was hurt and diminished so much already, and now… all because of her. Her anger and disdain wasn’t even at Alex, it was at herself. Focusing on him was a distraction from her own self-flagellation.

“Alex, I am glad to hear that you are able to admit your mistakes.”

At least she was getting an ounce of validation that he wasn’t a sociopath. That she didn’t almost marry a total social climbing asshole.

Alex came and pulled her in for a hug. She didn’t hug back but didn’t push him away either.

“Thank you for understanding. The authorities likely won’t look into this, a volatile inmate involved in a skirmish isn’t exactly breaking news. But if they do given all the heat from the Veneno take down,  I just want to make sure we are on the same page.”

She took a moment to process where he was going with this. Needing to think was a reprieve from the guilt spiral threatening to consume her completely.

“Hailey, we are good? If you are questioned you’ll keep quiet about when you told me Jay was back in your life as a CI?”

Hailey pulled herself away from his embrace. That was what this little visit was all about.

She didn’t say anything at first.

“Adam, Kevin,” she called.

The juxtaposition between Alex and Jay was as stark as could be.

Here stood Alex asking her to lie so that he doesn’t have to pay the price for breaking protocol resulting in life threatening consequences.

There lay Jay battered, robbed of his dignity, his wholeness, and the best years of his life so that she wouldn’t have to pay the price for her actions.

Now to hear they likely will brush it under the rug, blame Jay for inciting this instead of the monsters that attacked him… finally there was something she could do to help.

“Hailey?” Adam said as her burly bodyguards came into the room.

“Can you call the local precinct where Jay’s prison is located?” she asked still looking at Alex fiercely.

“Hailey!!” Alex begged. “Come on this can ruin my career.”

Adam pulled out his phone and began to dial.

Alex lunged at him knocking the phone out of his hand.

“Not the best choice buddy,” Kevin said as he tackled Alex to the ground.

Adam picked up the phone and handed it to Hailey.

“Hi, this is Director and Special Agent Hailey Upton, DEA. I’d like to make a statement regarding the attempted murder of Jay Halstead.”

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Adam and Kevin took good care of their girl. After telling the Maryland police detective that she believes Jay was attacked by correctional officers seeking revenge, the trio went down to the cafeteria for some coffee and muffins.

Hailey was forcing the local police’s hand. Now that a DEA agent was sniffing around, they had to look into Jay’s attack. Maybe her old unit didn’t have any jurisdiction on this case, but that didn’t mean she couldn’t help to tilt the focus in the right direction.

Unbeknownst to them, when they returned to the ICU Jay had been taken to the imaging suite to get updated scans of his head and chest. New officers were assigned to his room with strict orders from the prison regarding guests.

As they turned down the hall to Jay’s room a vicious screaming match was well underway.

Will and Hank were being led away in cuffs. Trudy and Dante were pleading with security to let them go, they’d work out this misunderstanding.

Hank was in a full tirade. Screaming so loudly it was hard to make out what he was saying. He was escorted to the elevator first. You could still hear his screaming after the elevator doors closed.

Trudy had tried to smack some sense into him literally, but even she recognized Hank’s undoing.

It was odd to see him so out of control. The guilt he harbored for Jay taking the fall for him was greater or equal only to Al’s and Justin’s murders. He was uncharacteristically unhinged at this point.

“Get the fuck off of me,” Will yelled as he continued to resist arrest, trying to pull away.

Kevin came over to calm him down. “Brother, please take it easy. We will work this out. Don’t make this worse for yourself by resisting,”

Will did his best to take deep breaths and calm down as the security guards awaited the next elevator to arrive. He looked back up at Kevin and the rest of the team as they tried to convince security to let this go, they’d handle it.

“Please don’t make me leave him. I promised I wouldn’t leave him alone.”

Two nurses came over begging everyone to quiet down. “We have very sick patients that deserve the quiet they need to recover. Enough!!” she scolded.

Will was losing whatever fight was in him. As the elevator doors opened he looked up towards Hailey and Adam, ”what about what Jay deserves?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey stood outside Jay’s hospital room, peering through the glass. Security had asked everyone to leave.

The guard saw she was lingering, “one more minute Ma’am and then I really do need you to be on your way.”

Hailey had hoped Jay would be back from his scans before she was kicked out.

Whether he was conscious or not, she wanted to tell him how sorry she was for what loving her had done to him. She wanted to hold his hand, kiss it softly, and caress against her cheek one time before she had to say goodbye.

Her relationship with Alex leading to Jay’s beating was the straw that broke that camel’s back. She was only hurting Jay with her proximity to his life.

“Ma’am,” please no visitors in or outside his room.”

Hailey looked up at the guard with her depleted, sorrow filled eyes. She usually hid her emotions well, not this time. He shifted uncomfortably at all she was telegraphing.

It had been a hell of a few hours. Her plan was to go home, climb into bed, and sleep reality away.

First she had to honor the regret at the pit of her stomach for not touching or attempting to physically connect with Jay while she had the chance.

Had she squandered the best opportunity she’d have for the next 6 years?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kevin and Adam were at the precinct bailing out Will and Hank.

As Chicago cops they had zero jurisdiction in Maryland and close to no pull aside from the chumminess that comes with the badge.

Hank was still filled with fury, “I don’t give a damn what we have to do to nail North, but we aren’t going back to Chicago until we do.”

Will was quiet. The Halstead brothers often had two modes when they were upset, righteous anger or stone-faced silence. He retreated into the latter option.

Kevin tried to hide the laugh that sneaked up noticing how despite their different personalities, Will and Jay were one and the same in certain ways.

Adam did his best attempt at reading Will’s mind. “Hey man, Trudy befriended one of Jay’s nurses.” Will snapped out of his trance and looked at Adam with hopeful eyes.

“Cat Scan looked good. They think he is past the danger zone of needing any surgery.”

Will exhaled. “How’s the pneumonia?”

“Still brewing, but they got him on the proper antibiotics now. His fever is heading in the right direction.”

“Thank you,” Will said trying his best to hide the wave of emotion taking over.

Adam sat down next to him and handed him a cup of coffee. They both sat there staring out at the traffic going North and South.

“Who is going to take care of him Adam? They did this. If he isn’t safe in protective custody…? He can’t go back there,” Will said not taking his eyes off the passing cars.

Adam turned to Will forcing eye contact. “Jay protected me and Kim so we wouldn’t have to be apart from Makayla. I promise you we will not rest as long as he is apart from you, man. I mean it.”

Will nodded. As angry and sad as he was at them, he knew Jay’s intelligence family would do whatever was in their power to help.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay was starting to regain consciousness. As his fever abated and his pneumonia stabilized, the doctors lifted his sedation.

There was an aching hug enveloping him. He felt happy. It was so comforting he almost didn’t want to wake up. In his medicated muddled mind he was sure Will, Hank, Trudy, Kim, Adam, Dante, and maybe even Hailey were with him. He heard their faint voices, felt their energy directed at him, sensed their love. He was so sure.

Over and over in his mind he replayed the feelings of the cold objectification of laying naked, bleeding on the floor and the warm comfort of Will’s presence. While he lay sedated and didn’t understand that Hank was washing him, the purity of Hank’s loving movements permeated his sedated consciousness.

When he finally opened his eyes he had a small smile on his face, full of gratitude.

His eyes jumped around the room, seeking focus and clarity of his surroundings. When all he found was a petite, white haired nurse swapping out bags on an IV stand, the dejection that followed stung intensely.

He was angry at himself for being foolish enough to think they were with him. It would be years until he could beg for forgiveness for hurting and deceiving everyone. How stupid could he be?

Jay worked on banishing his weak thoughts.

There was something really pestering him on his face, and when he went to investigate with his hand the nurse quickly corrected his clumsy efforts.

“Oh hey there, don’t do that,” she said pushing his arm down.

“Welcome back, Mr. Clarke. You have some injuries and pneumonia. The doctor recently took you off the  ventilator. The mask on your face now is called a NIV- non-invasive ventilation, it is a machine that provides extra support while you breathe. It is attached to you with a strap and a face mask, as opposed to a tube in your windpipe. You will be much more comfortable this way.”

Jay watched as the nurse finished her tasks. “The doctor will be in to see you soon. You may be released back to the prison infirmary in a few short days if all looks well,’ she said patting his leg.

Jay was trying to orient himself. Hospital. Check. Alone without visitors. Check. Confusion as to what comes next. Check.

He spent a few minutes piecing together what had happened. His cell was never cleaned with him in it. The moment he saw them entering with masks he knew. An image of Will’s read head laying on his chest kept flashing through his mind. Was he imagining his brother’s affection?

Shaking off the confusion, he tried to regain some semblance of control. It was hard to think of anything with his chest and throat on fire.

“Wawer,” he barely croaked.

“Water?” she asked, reaching for a plastic cup and bringing it to his lips.

“I know your throat is dry from the vent, but just a small sip, ok?”

The nurse carefully released the Velcro strap holding his NIV in place.

She saw the sadness in his eyes. “Don’t worry. You had a knock to the head. Having some trouble speaking is to be expected for a few a while until the swelling fully subsides. I’ll let the doctor know. A speech pathologist will evaluate and set up a good plan for speech exercises to work on.”

The nurse remembered how worried Trudy (who worked hard to befriend the nursing staff) was about leaving her patient. Sensing Jay’s loneliness, she sent a text letting her team know she’d be taking an early lunch break.

Carefully securing the mask in place, “Don’t worry, Mr. Clarke. I’ll sit with you for a while. You are not alone.”

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Trudy drove while Hank sat in the passenger seat with a loud as heck silence.

“No one broods like you,” Trudy said, trying to get a reaction.

Hank looked up and gruffed a response she couldn’t make out.

“Hank, we all are reeling over Halstead’s situation right now. I know it is hard for you to accept. And even harder to acknowledge you don’t have much power with his situation, but you are not helping anyone by losing control.”

"Maybe I turn myself in. End this for him," Hank said looking at his friend and confidante.

"Are you as dumb as you sound right now? Trudy asked. "He gave up 7 years for you to now decide to turn yourself in?" She said in exasperation.

“I need to help Jay, Trudy,” Hank said plainly. “This isn’t about anything else.”

Trudy pulled over and stopped the car.

“Ok. So buck up, remember who you are, and find a way to help him. You got me every step of the way.”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kim waited for nearly 3  hours in the parking lot. Finally, North came into view.

She, Adam, Kevin, and Dante decided to make a move without Hank in the know. It was now or never.

She came up to him as he was walking to the driver’s side door.

“The hospital is releasing Jay on Thursday,” Kim said knowing North knew this as his power of attorney.

Even North felt uneasy about what happened to Jay. As much as he hated him with all he had, that near fatal beatdown was not his plan or his desire.

“Look you get to visit your brother. All we are asking for is let Jay’s people visit him,” Kim implored getting rate to the chase.

She didn’t have enough proof on North yet to demand for Jay’s release, so Kim was doing the only thing she could for her friend.

“Why should I do anything for you?” North said coldly. It was a long day at work and Joey was struggling in his assisted care facility. Compassion wasn’t number one on his list.

“You won North. You ruined his life. We may not have enough evidence, but where there is smoke, there is fire. If we wave this tidbit around about an unethical and possibly illegal plea deal, then you and Gwen will be on the hotseat. Even if it amounts to nothing the stink on your names will remain,” Kim said with conviction.

North let her words sink in. She was right. This was the last thing he needed right now.

“His brother. He can have visitation with his next of kin. But that’s it. Hank Voight and the rest of intelligence can go fuck themselves. If it weren’t for all of you, Jay nor I would be in this mess.”

Kim nodded in appreciation. It wasn’t everything but she’d accept it.

Adding to her plea, “That Veneno bust wouldn’t have happened without Jay. Hell you put him in that place so you deserve some credit too,” Kim said with a devious smile.

“What do you want? Jay will do his time,” North said in a huff.

“There is a federal prison 90 minutes South of Seattle not too far from his brother. I know there is discussion as to where to transfer him next after what happened.”

“You know Kim… you, me, and Jay were cut from the same cloth at one point. Followed the rules. Did things the right way. Jay chose to stick with Hank and compromised himself to the point he felt he needed to leave Chicago to figure out who the hell he was again. I couldn’t let him just walk away from his mistakes and run away to Bolivia. Not after what he did to Joey.”

“What happened to Joey was tragic. Walker that’s not on Jay. Joey had a horrible disease,” Kim said not willing to let this man blame Jay for Joey’s addiction.

“I warned him. I gave him the chance to live by his values. He chose Hank. So if Joey’s overdose isn’t on Jay, then the way Jay’s life turned out isn’t on me, “ North said before slipping into his car, leaving Kim processing his words.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay was sitting with the speech therapist going through some exercises

“Don’t be shy, no one is listening,” the therapist said softly.

Jay looked at him sheepishly and began, “A -B-thee-D-E- F-thee-ath- i- yay-k-eh-o-m-n-o,” he stopped to let a cough out.

“Hey that is a good productive cough you got going there,” a familiar voice said, walking through the door.

Jay looked up to see Will taking off his jacket and backpack. He was in shock to see his brother just waltz into his guarded room like he was walking on air.

“Kim and Adam worked some magic,” Will said beaming.

“Hi, sorry I am Dr. William Halstead. How’s the patient?”

“Hi, Robert Martin. I am Ryan’s speech therapist. Getting him set up with some exercises to run through before he is released.”

“How’s he doing?”

“Well… Given the site of his brain injury, some slurring is to be expected. Typically with therapy in a few months all should be just fine,” he said as he closed the iPad and gathered his things.

Jay rolled his eyes a little bit. He didn’t mind Robert, but he was not appreciating sounding like a toddler.

When the door closed behind the speech therapist, Will came and sat by Jay’s bad.

They both sat for a minute taking in one another.

Will finally broke the silence. “I missed you brother.”

Jay went to respond but the words got caught in his throat.

“Jay, its ok. I know it’s hard for you to talk right now. So let me…I am sorry for being such an ass to you when I came for your check-up. I was just…”

Jay reached for Will’s hand. It shook a little but it was steady in its resolve to reach his brother.

Will accepted his brother’s outreach. They sat their holding hands.

Will ignored his instinct to look at Jay’s chart and just sat there. At first glance Jay’s eyes appeared vacant. Will decided to meet that emptiness with all the feeling he had in return and low and behold Jay’s eyes revealed a hint of life afterall.

He stood up still holding Jay’s hand and bent over to caress Jay’s forehead beneath his bandaging.

Jay let his brother’s love and affection wash over him in cathartic warmth. He was so starved for connection, that his brother’s soothing caresses physically hurt.

“I so-yee fo hurt’n you,” Jay said after nearly 10 minutes of their physical bonding. As he knew, Will’s earlier anger was a masked expression of his pain. Part of the collateral damage of his decision was icing out and abandoning his brother. Saying I’m sorry wouldn’t fix it, but it communicated that he forgave Will for his anger and only hoped that Will could forgive him one day too.

“Shhhhhh,” Will said. “I’m not leaving you. We will have plenty of time for all that. “

----------------------------------------------------------------------

With Will’s freedom to visit Jay came a new world order.

While Jay was still a warden of the state, some court appointed bureaucrat acted as his power of attorney.

Now there was a new sheriff in town. One that only had Jay’s interests at heart. One that could consult with Jay’s loved ones and keep them updated.

Will oversaw all of Jay’s medical care and successfully advocated for Jay to remain hospitalized for three extra days. The prison system wanted him back, but they would have to wait until Will was sufficiently satisfied Jay was healthy enough for transport.

He also worked closely with Gwen to facilitate Jay’s reassignment to the federal prison Kim advocated for with Walker North.

It was less than two hours from Will’s and Natalie’s house in Seattle, making weekly visits possible.

His name of record would be changed to Jason Halstead, no longer Ryan Clarke. The chances of a Chicago perp he busted being in Seattle were small, and the charade of hiding form his friends and family was over.

Will and Hank felt it would be a good step for Jay’s psychological state to have his true identity intact.

Jay had a newfound purpose in his speech therapy.

Nearly every aspect of his life was controlled by someone else. Finally a challenge presented itself in his hands.

Sure, he was still checked out from the real world and from allowing emotions to flow naturally. Nonetheless, doing his exercises was one small step connecting him to something aspirational.

Improving his speech was not about the here and now, it was about the future.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will came back to Jay’s room getting off a phone call with Natalie. “Love you too,” he said as he handed his bag and phone to the guards at the door. Rules were rules even outside of prison.

Jay and Will hadn’t talked too much aside from Will hovering as his doctor and caretaker. With his new speech impediment, Jay wasn’t really comfortable talking with anyone aside from exercise with his speech therapist.

That didn’t concern Will too much. That really through him for a loop was that Jay was completely obedient to Will. Whatever he asked or instructed him to do, Jay just complied.

Having a compliant patient is always nice, but in this case it saddened Will to the bone. It revealed to him how broken Jay was- his stubborn fighting spirit was nowhere to be seen.

What he wouldn’t give for Jay to say no, or stop it, or step the hell back. Any fight at all would be welcome.

Will did give Jay space with his issues regarding his physical rape recovery. He understood that was Jay’s red line and respected the space for Jay’s doctors to work independently.

“You happy?” Jay asked. Pleased with himself for getting out a sentence cleanly.

“I’ll be happier in six years when you are done with your prison sentence, but yeah I am happy with how you are healing so far.”

Jay shook his head in disagreement. “Home. You happy?” he tried again. He had wanted to hear about Will’s life in his absence. Hearing him say I love you too to someone on the phone provided a way to ask.

“Yeah, Jay, I am happy. Would you believe Nat and I reunited? That’s why I am in Seattle.”

A huge grin spread across Jay’s face. Will couldn’t help but reciprocate. It was the first full smile he’d witnessed from his brother in… well in 7 plus years.

“O-yen?” Jay said annoyed with himself. Those L’s, R’s, and W’s were tricky.

Will smiled again. “Hold on,” he said as he went to ask the guard something.

He came back in with the guard watching over. “Only a few pictures and then give it back,” the guard said sternly.

“Owen is great. A teenager now. Has a girlfriend which is freaking Nat out completely”

“Take a look!”

Will handed his phone to Jay. He knew his brother wasn’t allowed any cell phones as he was still a prisoner, but he had been sweet talking the guard for two days to let this moment happen. No harm, no foul.

The slightly confused look on Jay’s face made Will realize how much his brother really missed. Technology had changed a lot in 7 years. Swallowing a sad lump in his throat, “oh here just press this and swipe left for a photo gallery.”

Jay began. “Base-ba,” he smiled.

“Yeah, short stop. He is sick out there,” Will said taking joy in the light in Jay’s eyes.

Jay kept swiping. He noticed the same little red headed boy kept appearing in photos. The same little boy posing with Owen, Natalie, and Will several times.

Will was trying to find a way to tell him. He could tell Jay’s detective antenna was up.

Looking up at his big brother a wave of acknowledgement and love swept across his eyes.

“Yeah, that’s your nephew, brother. His name is Jason, but we call him Jace.”

Jay couldn’t believe his brother had a baby. He had no idea.

He looked up in shock and shook his head back and forth. It’s not that Jay had low self-esteem, he just no longer regarded himself at all.

Why would his brother name his son after someone so messed up and selfish?

“Yeah, Jay. Jason. We named him after you.”

Jay shook his head in confusion. “Geen eyes, Red haiw,” he said in affirmation that their boy was all Halstead.

“Yup, He is an old soul like you. It’s bizarre the similarities. You know your name means healer right?” He took the phone out of Jay’s hand and handed it back to the guard who quickly walked out.

Jay wanted to ask Will so many questions about his family. He wanted to beg for forgiveness for missing so much. But the words wouldn’t formulate in his mind. And frankly doing so would open portals to a part of him he needed to keep far away.

Will got his chair and blanket set up for the night.

“We have all the time in the world to catch up. Right now I need you to live up to your name, ok? For once in your life don’t worry about healing other people. Work on repairing and healing yourself.”

Will kissed Jay on the head and pulled the blankets up to his chest, effectively tucking him in.

Their time together was waning. They both knew it and didn’t want to miss a second. The Halstead brothers fell asleep hand in hand.

====================------------------------------------------------------

Hailey was in her office doing paperwork. The reward for a tremendous drug bust was never-ending bureaucratic grunt work.

The team were returning to Chicago the next day. They couldn’t stay in Washington forever. Now that Jay was being transported to a prison on the West Coast, going home just made sense. There was only so long the CPD brass would let their best unit take a leave of absence.

Buying tickets for the trip home felt like a failure. They had failed Jay. They were going back to Chicago, and he was going back to prison for 6 more years.

They all discussed plans for connecting with Jay.

Will would go every Sunday as his only next of kin. North made that crystal clear in the amendment to his plea deal.

The rest of the team would write. They’d each write 8 letters a year and keep up with a calendar. This way Jay would get a letter a week.

Hailey didn’t have any plans. She made sure to keep tabs with Baltimore PD so that Jay wouldn’t be blamed for this latest attack. It sickened her how easily prisoners could be blamed with no way of defending themselves.

If all she could do was send Jay to Seattle with one less demerit on his record, then at least it was something.

Hailey was wrapping up her paperwork when a text from Erin came through.

“In DC for a conference. You coming tomorrow?’ she wrote.

“Tomorrow?’ Hailey asked in confusion.

“Um, yeah, Jay’s transfer and transport to Seattle…?”

Hailey tensed. Of course she knew Jay was being transferred to a new prison tomorrow. She just had no access to him. North made sure of that.

“Of course I know that. You gonna sneak me past his security detail?”

---------------------------------------------------------------

Will was scurrying around Jay’s room with the nervous energy of ten men.

A nurse was dressing Jay into what was called a safety smock -- a garment prisoners are given so they cannot use their clothing as a noose or a weapon.

With his busted collarbone, ribs, and arm, cuffing and transporting him securely would be challenging.

Will was negotiating heavily with 4 transport agents.

“No way. He can’t have his arms cuffed. One is casted and the other is in a sling to protect his healing collar bone and ribs.”

Will saw them setting up a number of restraints they planned to use on Jay.

“Are you nuts? He is recovering from pneumonia. A plastic bite guard shoved in his mouth? NO!”

“Mr. Halstead is listed as a high risk/violent prisoner. I’m sorry doctor but he has to be properly secured for his cross-country transport,” one of the agents said.

“I will not sign off on anything that will compromise his health,” Will said firmly as Dr. Saunders walked in to release Jay.

“Gentleman. Let’s take it down a notch. First of all I am the doctor that will be signing off on his release. Secondly, let’s figure out how we can do this without compromising his health or the safety of others.”

Will was pissed. Jay wasn’t a threat to anyone. It was beyond ridiculous that the victim in all this was being treated like a rabid animal. He kept his mouth shut though. Dr. Saunders was right. Will had no real authority so being nice was his best bet in helping his brother.

It took two hours to get a plan in place that pleased everyone… well maybe not Will. But nothing short of freeing Jay would have pleased the hovering elder brother at that point.

Jay couldn’t sit for the 10 hours it would be between leaving the hospital, boarding his flight, flying to Washington State, driving to the new prison. He was healing and pressure on his back side for that long could be disastrous.

Jay would be strapped into a wheelchair with leg irons and soft restraints around his arms and chest. He’d wear a spit mask to inhibit spitting or biting, instead of a full mouth guard, so that deep breaths wouldn’t be encumbered.

When loaded onto the plane he would be moved to a stretcher where he’d alternate every two hours between his stomach and back. The nurses and transport agents that would be flying with him signed off on the rather complicated plan.

Once Jay was ready to go, Will got down on his knees in front of the wheelchair.

“You are all set, bud. Have a good flight,” he said fiddling with Jay’s IV of antibiotics that would be going with him.

“Remember this first Sunday you will still be in the obligatory onboarding period, so no visitors. But next Sunday I’ll be there. And every Sunday thereafter, ok?” he said doing his best to be strong.

Jay nodded in affirmation. He didn’t want Will to worry. “Tank you for ev’eting, I ok,” Jay said softly. He knew he could have said it more clearly but he was trying to get through quickly for Will’s sake.

And with that the four guards and two nurses unlocked the wheelchair breaks and led jay to the transport ambulance en route for the airport.

Will texted the intelligence chat group.

“And he’s off,” He wrote.

“Any issues? Big guy put up a fight?” Adam wrote back. They were all looking for a little Halstead stubbornness to emerge. Somehow they thought it would make them feel better about him going back to prison for several more years.

“Didn’t even flinch when Dr. Saunders said the catheter had to stay for the flight,” Will reported back sadly.

A few ….’s came and went. How could this be the same man they knew and loved? The man who would have pinned someone to the ground if they even came near him with a catheter.

Finally Trudy saved the day. “Who is dumb enough to count Chuckles out?”

“I’m with Sarge. Never bet against Jay Halstead,” Kevin replied.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The ambulance ride was… let’s just say it was uncomfortable. Every bump led to a jostle every jostle led to pain. Mostly Jay was convincing his mind to let the last few days with Will go. They meant the world to him. They didn’t talk much but communicated nonverbally in every way that counted.

Now it was time to get back to reality.

The ambulance drove right onto an airplane hangar by the tarmac where a small security detail was set up. After awkwardly being searched and scanned, Jay was approved for flight.

That is when he thought he had finally lost it. He began hallucinating a vision of Hailey and Erin Lindsay walking towards him.

“Dude, get yourself together. It’s just Seattle not Mars,” he thought to himself as he tried to justify why he was imagining the two loves of his life walking his way.

“Gentleman, we will wait with him,” a familiar gruff voice told the transport agents as she flashed her FBI badge.

“I know you have to keep him in your view. When the plane is ready for boarding, come and get him. Go have some lunch right over there, it’s a long flight,” she said pointing to a small buffet in the airplane hangar for staff.

“We won’t budge an inch,” she promised.

Erin whirled the wheelchair around to where a few folding chairs were set up.

Jay didn’t know what to do with his eyes, with his thoughts. This beautiful vision before him was real?

His already slurred speech was further muffled by his spit mask. Thankfully he was at a complete loss for words.

“Ok so aside from this ridiculous get up that got you in,” Erin started trying to keep a light tone. “How are you doing?” she asked as she sat and waved Hailey over to join them.

Jay just sat in stupefied silence.

“Ok I’ll leave you two for a minute and go sweet talk your buddies over there,” she said walking over to the buffet table.

Hailey was a ball of nerves. When Erin said her senior level FBI status could get them on the tarmac, she couldn’t resist the chance to fix her mistake.

The problem was there wasn’t much of Jay to touch right now.

Will had been updating everyone. Jay’s burr hole was healing nicely, his pneumonia was out of the danger zone, and his other injuries were going in the right direction. She knew he was having some slurred speech and that he had been mostly quiet during his hospital stay.

“Seattle, huh?” she finally got out. My god she was mortified that after all these years, all the fraught emotions of the past months, all she could come up with was, Seattle huh.

“Haiyee,” he said in response trying to communicate its ok, you don’t have to try. He knew her. He fucking knew her. Small talk wasn’t necessary.

“Jay, I, I….” she said before every ounce of her heart clamped around her throat.

“I know,” he said looking at her with a soft gentleness that crashed right into her without warning. She wasn’t expecting that.

Hailey heard the transport agents, nurses, and Erin making their way towards them as the entrance stairs were attached to his plane’s door.

With seconds to spare they unlocked their eyes and Hailey searched for a way to touch him. The damn netting on his spit mask covered his whole head. His fingers on his casted arm were her only chance.

Throwing caution to the wind, she laced her petite fingers into his. Shocked by the ferocity such a gentle touch could illicit, he looked up at her with those soulful eyes that teared down the last of her defenses years ago. Now that rich green hue carried a depth and power that overmatched every goddamn story she told herself to keep a safe distance.

“Ma’am no touching the prisoner,” one of the agents said. As the staff prepared to board the plane.

Erin saw the undeniable love force being shared between Jay and Hailey. Her hands were tied. This was the best she could do for them.

“Mind if I help push him to the plane? She asked one of the transport agents.

He nodded. Erin got behind the wheelchair and looked at Hailey. “Time to go.”

As the chair rolled their fingers detached. Hailey watched as Erin bent down to talk into Jay’s ear.

Six years.

Watching him pushed away from her once more. Hailey became undone.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

“I only have about 2 minutes so I am going to make this quick,” Erin said as she pushed him surrounded by 4 federal agents.

Whispering she continued, “Jay I am sorry for how I hurt you. Couple of things you need to know:

1. It wasn’t because of you. I didn’t need saving, I needed to be away from the toxicity Chicago held.

2. I found her. And when you find Jay Halstead, you tell him, he made me a better cop, and in turn a better mother. I have a daughter, Nadia.”

Jay tried to turn his head at the mention of her name. Erin smiled, “Yes Nadia. I am a decent enough mother because when I go to retreat to my rough places, I am reminded how to be gentle and giving because of you.”

“OK Special Agent, this is where we say goodbye,” the transport agent said ready to get his prisoner onto the plane.

Erin bent down and got as close to Jay’s ear as possible. The plane engine was loud.

“And 3. Hailey didn’t marry that asshole.”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Text

Hey Bro,

How’s winter treating you in the pacific north west? I hope it’s better than the 10 below we are battling here.

Would you believe Jordan has a daughter now? Spent the weekend with them. He is taking to it so naturally, it’s kind of beautiful to witness.

Ok, back to the BS “keep it light “you requested, the Bulls suck, the Bears are even worse, but the Blackhawks are holding their own. Can’t really bring myself to watch a Hawks game without you, brother.

Love you.

BPWRFL

Kev

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Jay,

Someone stole the driveshaft out of my car! Any recommendations of where to go to get it fixed? You always have a guy!

Adam wants to take care of it, but the last time I let that happen I ended up with leopard fuzzy seat covers. Not going to make that same mistake twice.

We took down a perp yesterday using that side tackle you taught me. My shoulder is all messed up. The look on his face was worth it though ;).

Just sent a care package with your favorite deodorant and a few new books from the recent NYT best seller list. They are numbered 1,2,3. Read them in order. I’ll read them too, then we can have a little book club in our next batch of letters.

Xoxoxo

Kim

---------------------------------------

Chuckles,

You wouldn’t believe the rookie class this year. I swear I have to clean their bibs and change their diapers. I am not sure if they are getting younger or I am just too old for this stuff anymore.

Mauch and are I both up for retirement next year. Maybe this is a sign that it is time?

I need your opinion on how to handle some of these kids that are fresh out of the military. They want strict orders like they are used to? Or prefer a little latitude so they can feel they have a little more authority?

THEY ARE KILLING ME SOFTLY.

Trudy

-----------------------

Jay’s transition to the Canyon Ridge Correctional Facility was in full swing.

This new chapter as a ward of the federal government was rife with loneliness as to be expected. More intriguing is that this time it felt just a little different. His new reality was filled with small nuances that made Jay feel a little less alone.

The biggest change was that Will came once every week.

He wanted to come more than that as this prison had open visitation, good behavior permitting, but his work schedule and obligations at home made the four-hour round-trip drive plus one hour visit only feasible once a week.

Jay didn’t say much when Will came, the elder brother did most of the talking. Between Jay’s slurred speech and his survival need to keep his thoughts and desires silenced literally and figuratively, opening up wasn’t really in the cards.

Will accepted Jay’s terms of engagement. This was so much better than the previous set-up. As they say, it is all relative.

Second, Jay’s physical wounds were healing.

Now nearly two months into his new home, Jay was out of all casts, slings, and healing limitations. His HIV tests all came back negative. With that he was able to work out again and begin to repair the brokenness he could control – the physical part.

Third, while his loneliness sat beside him like an old friend, there was something else alongside him…Hank Voight’s domineering shadow.

When Jay was officially consigned to the warden’s custody upon his arrival, he wasn’t truly isolated from the world in the same way. His mentor was pulling strings in all the small ways he could identify. Take his onboarding as an example:

“Red,” the in-take administer yelled out. At this prison you were dressed according to your label. Those necessitating basic security or carrying low risk wore yellow, medium wore blue, and maximum wore red.

The color code determined where you were housed, the quality of your accommodations, and the kinds of privileges and freedoms granted or withheld.

As Jay was stripped searched the warden, Michael Harris, walked in.

It was a power move. He purposefully chose a vulnerable, literally naked, moment to make his presence known.

In prison strength and power ruled. The warden had to set the right tone immediately.

“Halstead,” Jay looked up from his prone position as two guards searched him before he was legally committed to their supervision and authority.

The warden came up, circled Jay, and eyed his bruised frame up and down.

“My name is Warden Harris. You can address me as Sir,” he said with old fashioned authoritarianism.

Jay was trying to get a read on his new keeper. He smelled former military all over him.

“The rules here are pretty simple. You obey commands as they are dictated and you do as you are told. That is all it takes to avoid any problems. You are red suited for now. I have read your file. Not particularly pretty or impressive.”

Jay just continued to look at him as the guards went on with the inmate intake protocol.

“You try any of that shit in here boy and you will regret it, I promise you that.”

Jay knew he should probably respond with a yes sir, but ever since he woke up with slurred speech the quiet one became even quieter.

“Turns out you have some friends. A Sergeant Voight reached out, sent me your records as a Ranger and a police detective. He arranged for dozens of letters in support of your character.”

Jay continues his ten-yard stare.

“How does a seemingly good man, a decorated detective, and Ranger become what you are?”

Warden Harris lifted up Jay’s chin forcing deeper eye contact and essentially daring Jay not to answer him.

The warden laughed at Jay’s stubborn silence.

“As a former Marine I respect the uniform. You served your country proudly. So I will make you a deal. Let’s see what you got for your first three months. You show me you are the man that Sergeant Voight and the others say you are, and I’ll move you into a blue suit.”

Jay nodded. The warden was giving him an inch, he didn’t want to be disrespectful.

“I think a Yes Sir is in order don’t you?”

Jay swallowed. He really didn’t want to reveal his slur. An order was an order.

Trying his best, “Es Siw,” he said.

Harris smirked but at least had enough class not to mock his newest ward further.

He tapped Jay’s cheek and looked up at the guards, “get him dressed and on his way.”

Sure this guy was a hard ass. Sure Jay was in for a bumpy lonely road. Sure 6 more years in prison was too big to comprehend.

Despite all those truths, another shift of circumstances revealed itself.

He wasn’t profoundly alone anymore. Yes physically he had no one. But perhaps more poignantly his friends and family were aware, connected, and present in tiny ways that changed his captive existence. The undercurrents of their love and care reverberated through his prison cell walls.

In addition to Hank’s attempts at minor puppeteering and Will’s visits, Jay now had a decent flow of letters. Many of the team stood by their plan and wrote.

Dante, Trudy, Kevin, Kim, Adam. They even got Mouse in on the action. Jay would receive an average of 3 letters a month. He knew Hank wouldn’t write. Wasn’t his style. Hank’s actions did the speaking for him.

Those letters served as a life raft to reality. No matter how deep into his loneliness he’d continue to burrow, those touchpoints reminded him he wouldn’t be in the darkness forever. Light was waiting at the other side. That mattered.

On the topic of Hailey. That one was complicated.  Jay had a long road ahead of him. His coping mechanism of shutting down his dreams, desires, and hope was still in full swing. A necessity really.

Erin had whispered in his ear that Hailey hadn’t married the man Jay saw her with outside of the courthouse. While he knew she couldn’t visit, he allowed a morsel of fantasy to enter his mind. Maybe Hailey still was a keeper of their flame?

He worked hard to shove it down, reminded himself that dream would forever be unrequited. Too much pain and time and hurt inhabited the space between them. She couldn’t ever understand that his cruel way of disappearing facilitated the only way she’d move on with her life. How could she ever forgive him for callously walking away?

So, while every letter he received was a warm hug each one also served to remind him that the electrifying beauty in their shared gaze on the airport tarmac would have to be enough, maybe forever.

Jay struggled with how to respond to people. He appreciated their outreach so much. He didn’t expect anyone to understand that wasn’t in his shoes, but connecting with them, asking questions, learning about life on the outside went squarely against his survival strategy.

He would respond with simple and short notes. “Always good to hear from you.” “I am doing fine.” “Thanks for checking in.”  “How are the Bears doing?” That summed up what he had to say.

-----------------------------------------------------------

What Jay couldn’t appreciate was that Hailey was also writing. Sometimes 4-5 letters a week.

She was unpacking a lifetime of emotions trying to find new balance.

Hailey rented an apartment of her own and moved all her belongings out of Alex’s apartment. That alone was a doozy. She nearly married him! That was going to take a minute to process.

She reestablished her team in post-Veneno take down world. Their pedigree went up a zillion points and were now able to have more say over the cases they selected.

She worked to find her footing in a world where Jay had briefly reemerged but in such an ephemeral way he almost felt like a hologram.

Most of all, Hailey had to own the fact that much of Jay’s suffering was a direct result of his proximity to her in his life and in his heart.

It wasn’t intentional but the facts were the facts. If he didn’t love her he would never have confessed to crimes he did not commit. There would have been no attacks, no rapes, no diminishment of his soul. There certainly would have been no Alex selfishly comprising Jay’s safety resulting in a vicious and bone breaking beat down and an X on his back with other correctional officers.

She had to carry all of that.

It was a lot. A whole heck of a lot.

Her coping mechanism was to write. She wrote her parents letters. She wrote Hank letters. She wrote her brothers letters. And she wrote Jay letters, a lot of them.

For each one she would address and stamp an envelope, stuff it with her letter and then leave it on her desk contemplating whether or not to mail the parcel. Every time she would end up ripping it up.

Hailey would pour her heart out, staining the pages with her innermost thoughts.

She’d confess her undying love in some letters and all her angst in others. Only for it all to end up shredded in a dustbin. She’d dabble with the extremes in her emotional tumult as a means to eradicate the pervasive thoughts entirely.

The letter writing served as a vehicle for her complex feelings without having to involve anyone meaningfully in the process.

When the love letters she wrote did not make her feel better, she also tried to excise Jay with the other extreme. Her most recent draft attempting to purge all the anger completely:

Dear Jay,

I have tried to write this over and over again. I think this is my 50^th attempt.

You told everyone to please keep the letters light. Not to ask how you are doing. Not to say how much you are missed. Not to work on strategies to lighten your sentence. Just to accept reality at face value.

Can I be honest with you? It makes me mad. Infuriates me actually. The wound you caused by leaving all those years ago remains. Every attempt you make at protecting me/all of us, just pours salt on the scab that hasn’t fully healed.

What you did… what you sacrificed… Jay its beyond words really. In many ways I should feel lucky to have been loved by someone who was willing to do what you did. It was an act of love, I get it.

And yet, I hate you for it.

I cannot handle the fact that what we shared resided in the shadows of our dark work. That you felt you had to abandon what we had to root out the toxic presence of MY choices. Not yours. That you didn’t come to me to find a solution. That we didn’t work it out together.

My mind was reeling with all this and then you just take this second plea deal adding 3 more years?? Again without so much as a consult from me. Martyr much??????

You had no right!! You had no fucking right.

I guess this time around you technically did not have any obligation to check in, strategize, give me the chance to fight for you, for us as we nothing to each other on paper. Unlike the first time around.

Jay, did you forget what we had? Our love and understanding of one another filled me up to the brim. I thought it did for you too. You going to Bolivia was rough but I knew you’d find your way back to me. You’d know how to return to us.

You made this decision and yanked it away. My love needed somewhere to go… and I couldn’t find a safe enough place for it. It was devastating.

In total we have said maybe a dozen words to one another since you left.

My anger is back and all consuming. I can’t believe I am back to this place again.

FUCK YOU for making me relive this tumult once more. And fuck you for hurting my worse than anyone – my father included.

Your cruel decision taught me many things including how to rebuild my life. I will do just that.

Goodbye Jay Halstead.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Meanwhile back in Chicago Hank and Trudy were leaving no stone left unturned to help Jay. Even though he asked them to stay out of, just like any good meddling parents they did the opposite.

They tried working his CI angle and the fact he blew the Veneno case wide open. Jay didn’t sign any sort of deal so on paper he wasn’t owed anything. The confusion with his Ryan Clarke alias didn’t help either. He got a thank you for your help and that was that.

Then they worked all the angles they could regarding the investigation into his beatdown in prison by correctional officers. Hank was able to get Luca one of the nice guards to admit he heard rumors Jay was a CI. The video footage was inconclusive. Yet again Jay thwarted their efforts by refusing to press charges. He argued that doing so would only bring more ire from the correctional officers at Canyon Ridge. After he was in their custody, at their mercy.

Hank worked on digging up dirt on Warden Harris. Maybe a little leverage could grant Jay more freedoms. The guy thus far was squeaky clean. Distinguished Marine. Ran a tight ship in his prison. Pushed anti-recidivism programs in a major way. Everything the feds could ask for in a major prison warden.

Trudy ran point with Kim and Adam to get Makayla’s professor to dig into Jay’s plea deal. He was interested but with a heavy course load to teach and several pro-bono cases already in the works, they’d have to be patient. Could they get the cruel elements thrown out? Allow for more visitors and ways to reduce his sentence at the very least?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Protective Custody at Canyon Ridge had its points of differentiation. His cell was even smaller than in Maryland. A dimly lit closet was a more apt description.  The prison was overcrowded and they had to reconfigure the space to allow for more inmates.

On the plus side, he was granted two- 45-minute sessions a day outside.

The rainy, gloominess of the Pacific Northwest didn’t do much to lift spirits. Countless soggy days, yard time would have to be indoors, leaving Jay sitting at the barred windows in the community room counting individual raindrops. He began identifying designs and patterns that lived within the relentless drops of dew. Boredom leads to creativity and his imagination heeded the call.

This part of the country also held a magic he hadn’t experienced before. The mysterious majesty to the nature of the region enchanted him. The tall Douglas-fir pine trees lining the prison created a rich, earthy whimsy that felt less sterile than the mid -West and mid- Atlantic.

Those small victories added up.

Then there was his work detail. His first two months he was put on maintenance detail, cleaning toilets, mopping floors. He did his job dutifully. Most people would tell you that to survive prison you had to be full on alpha and tough. Any sign of weakness could be your demise.

For Jay, he didn’t have the piss and vinegar fight in him anymore. It was part of the collateral damage of his time in prison. The warrior in him was left in a pile of blood, tears, and other things on the floor. He resigned himself to being a loner and leaning into the solitude of protective custody.

His reputation preceded him. The guards all knew of his proclivity for fighting and they knew he ratted out other correctional officers to the DEA. They weren’t so nice to him

.

Jay was used to that treatment. It didn’t bother him in the slightest.

What he wasn’t accustomed to was a correctional officer befriending him.

Marty Stevenson was a former Ranger and only a year younger than Jay. While they didn’t serve together, they knew many of the same guys. Reminiscing, remembering people he hadn’t thought of in ages, and just connecting with someone in a genuine way was bizarre for Jay. He hadn’t done it in so long it felt foreign to tap into memory.

Marty had done his best to be on Jay’s detail as much as possible. He didn’t mind that Jay mostly just nodded or hand wrote his answers. He saw a fellow soldier in a dark place and found a way to connect.

All the guards had favorites and it was no secret Jay was one of Marty’s.

That didn’t fly so well with the other correctional officers. They all heard the buzz around Jay being a CI that ratted out some of their brethren. Marty didn’t let it faze him. Those assholes gave the rest of them a bad name. Jay did the right thing.

One day when Jay was reading in his cell, Marty banged on the door with his baton. He used the intercom into Jay’s room, “you always have a nose in a book, you want to help out in the library instead of cleaning toilets?”

Jay stood at attention and put his hands against the wall. After all this time he was essentially a trained puppy doing whatever his master’s demanded.

Marty laughed at Jay’s eagerness. It was nice to see him excited about something. The other prisoners on library duty made a mess of the place.

Marty brought Jay to his new assignment.

Jay looked up in awe. The prison library in Maryland was small and dingy. This place had more windows than he had seen in 7 plus years and had ten times as many books.

“This place is a mess. You think you can figure out some order? Marty asked as Jay’s wrists and ankles were freed from their restraints.

Jay nodded with his boyish grin plastered across his face.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will sat waiting for Jay.

He smiled when he saw his little brother walking well towards the glass partition.

Jay picked up the phone feeling good about being on the front end of the 60-minute visit with his brother.

“Hey, Jay, you look really good,” Will said with a big smile. He had watched Jay’s recovery in slow motion with glass always between them. Today was the first time Jay looked and walked like himself. It nearly made Will cry.

Jay smiled in return.

“What? I’m not allowed to give my little bro a compliment?”

 As usual the onus of the conversation was on Will.

“Has the speech therapist been working with you? They are supposed to give you two sessions a week.”

Jay gave Will the thumbs up sign.

“Is that a yes? Or are you just trying to blow me off?”

Jay stubbornly answered with another thumbs up.

Will rolled his eyes. “Jay Halstead the great communicator!”

He knew Jay wasn’t interested in speaking about his speech therapy or anything of actual substance.

“Ok, check this out. Owen is teaching Jace how to hit…” Will said as he put his cell phone up to the glass so Jay could watch the boys at play.

The brothers spent the first half of their visit watching videos of Will’s sons and talking about all their interests. It was easy. It was pure. It was a way for Will to share his life with Jay.

He had an ulterior motive for the day. He was just loosening Jay up.

“I spoke with Hank,” Will said waiting for Jay’s animated response.

Instead, he just got a death stare in return.

“Jay would you just listen please? We are all going to fight for you whether you like it or not.”

Eyes unmoving, Will continued.

“Turns out one of Makayla’s professors in law school is an illustrious public defender. He thinks you have a case to get a chunk of your plea deal thrown out. The Constitution protects against cruel and unusual punishment.”

Will had learned to read his brother well.

“NO,” Jay barked sternly.

“Ah the silent one speaks! You sound like Jace, except he is 3 years old.”

“NO!” he gritted again through his teeth.

“Jay, would you at least take a call from your lawyer? If you won’t switch attorneys like I have begged, at least hear the one you have out? This will not affect the deal as far as protecting your Chicago people, ok? It would remove all the bullshit stipulations of needing permission for contact from anyone.”

Jay calmed his body language a little.

“Thank you!” Will said in part exasperation and part relief.

“Now back to giving me advice as to how to convince Nat that getting Jace on hockey skates does not equate to a lifetime of concussions….”

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been three months at Canyon Ridge.

Jay had found a slice of stability in library work, kindness from Marty, visits from Will, letters from friends.

Warden Harris came into the library as Jay was busy working with Gus, a fellow inmate that was on a second-grade reading level.

“Halstead,” he called out.

Jay quickly stood at attention, turned around, and put his hands against the wall.

“That won’t be necessary,” Warden Harris said as walked around the aisles of books.

“You alphabetized the entire library by genre AND by author?” Harris asked with an impressed grin.

Jay stayed with his hands against the wall and nodded in affirmation.

“Well done. You can put your hands down and turn around.”

“We made a deal. You play by the rules and I will move your security level to medium,” he said as he threw a pair of blue looking scrubs Jay’s way.

“Keep this up and all the benefits of medium security will be yours for the duration of your sentence,” he said with a stern smile.

God this guy was such a Marine.

Jay slowly bent down and picked up the blue prison suit.

“Maybe Sergeant Voight was right about you,” Harris said as he turned around and left.

-----------------------------------------------------------------

Jay was having a good few weeks.

His new security level felt like a miracle.

He was moved to a slightly larger cell in the medium security unit.

He didn’t have to be cuffed for every trip outside of his cell anymore. Only in certain sensitive security situations.

He was allowed to eat outside of his cell with other protective custody inmates.

His yard time was extended to 60 minutes per session.

His library shifts could go as long as 4 hours each.

While it would be a stretch to say life was good, life had certainly improved.

A lovely unintended consequence of his willingness to work with inmates like Gus, was that it forced him to speak. In order to help Gus sound out words, Jay had to model the sounds himself.

Gus would encourage Jay and help him correct his speech as they went along. Slowly but surely his speech was improving.

What a beautiful act of giving and receiving for both men. The gentle interaction they shared was a welcome balm.

Marty noticed Jay was slowly coming out of his tightly guarded shell.

As he punched the code to open Jay’s cell door Marty said, “you got mail today. Twice in a week. Mr. Popular.”

Jay nodded and went into his cell waiting for the door to lock.

As he kicked off his canvas slip-on shoes his heart skipped several beats. He saw the handwriting on the envelope. He’d know that penmanship in any light.

It was from Hailey.

-------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey came home and dropped to the couch without even taking her jacket off. She texted Kat, Miles, and Fritz, “mandatory day off. Take Friday and the weekend. See you Monday.”

It had been nearly 4 weeks since she had been home. The team were working a big case in the Middle East and spent time in Kuwait nailing a group of poppy smugglers out of Afghanistan.

This marked their first big international take-down. It was exactly what the doctor ordered. She looked up and smiled. Her neighbor Mrs. Potts was kind enough to water her plants while she was away.

She couldn’t help but laugh as noticing they did better in her absence.

She shuffled over to her desk and took out a big stack of letters she had written Jay while overseas. The content in her diatribes were mellowing out from her initial anger laced versions.

It was all part of the healing process. She’d hash out her weighty feelings by emptying the contents of her heart so that the pain, love, and confusion could cathartically exit her system. No one would ever read them. It was a wonderful healing practice.

As Hailey began to feed the addressed envelopes into the shredder and into the recesses of her memory, she noticed the fuck you Jay Halstead letter she wrote before her trip was no longer on the desk.

Frantically searching the apartment to no avail, she picked up the phone to her neighbor.

“Hi, Mrs. Potts. Thank you so much for taking such good care of my plants. They’ve never looked better!”

“Hailey dear, my pleasure. Truly,” she said happily. “Anytime, love.”

“Thank you. Ahh…by any chance did you see a few letters on my desk?”

“Oh yes I saw your utility bill payment you forgot to mail and another stamped envelope. I figured they got forgotten in your haste to leave, so I took the liberty of mailing them for you.”

Hailey dropped the phone. That letter was a rage filled tirade. She didn’t mean it. It was her way of trying to excise the anger that never truly left since Jay’s departure for Bolivia.

While her anger was real and her words held a modicum of truth, they were only a small piece of the story her heart had to tell. What she came to understand through writing out her thoughts was that the love she and Jay shared transcended all of the immense pain. Whether or not they could ever reunite and let go of the hurt? The answer to that question lay squarely in the hands of destiny.

That letter wasn’t her heart. It was a violent expulsion of her anger from her heart. Jay and his selfless love comprised the core of her heart. The part that would endure after all the rest faded away.

After composing herself she fumbled through her contact lists and texted Will.

“Hey Will. Hope all is well. You are able to have phone calls with Jay right?”

She waited for an interminable 20 minutes for his response.

“Hailey, hi! Technically yes but he isn’t much of a chatterbox these days and he can only make non-lawyer calls on Saturdays. So I leave most of our communications to my Sunday visits. Although I hear he may have email access soon! ”

Sunday was three days away. Mrs. Potts said she mailed in last week. Mail at Canyon Ridge was slow. First it had to arrive at the prison. Then the prison mail took a while to sort and deliver. Maybe it wasn’t too late?

“Ok, can you relay a message when you see him?”

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Jay, did you hear the dinner call?” Marty said into the intercom speaker that feeds into Jay’s cell.

Marty peered into the 12-inch X 12-inch plexiglass square window on the metal frame door.

Jay was wiping his eyes on his collar clearly trying to gain his composure. Even though it was the first time he saw Jay show any emotion, Marty didn’t think too much of it. Life as a prisoner was hard. Even those that adjust well will hit bottom now and again.

He quickly pulled away from the window to allow Jay the privacy to get himself in order. After waiting a minute, he knocked on the door with his baton. “Stand at attention!”

----------------------------------------------------

Jay sat and stared blankly at his minestrone soup and cheese sandwich.

Protective Custody in medium security allowed him to be in a room with 9 other inmates. It kept your exposure to danger at a minimum but allowed for some socializing outside of your cell.

“Halstead, you eating that?” a fellow inmate asked, eyeing his sandwich.

Jay was lost in thought and didn’t realize someone was speaking to him.

“Yo! Halstead!” he yelled louder.

“Huh?” Jay responded in confusion.

“Your sandwich? If you are not eating it can I have it?”

Jay nodded sheepishly and pushed his tray over to his neighbor.

He didn’t have much of an appetite at the moment. His nervous excitement about a sign of life from Hailey quickly turned into a crushing reminder.

He made an intentional choice in agreeing to the deal he did. While he knew it would hurt her, he had to push those feelings aside for a vital purpose.

He wasn’t a saint or a martyr or a patriarchal figure or anything else uniquely special.

He was just living by the same code he always did. If his heart told him that something was right, that his actions could withhold suffering from the vulnerable, that he held the power to protect those he loved the most… well that was what he was going to do.

He wasn’t a complicated man. He wasn’t trying to throw himself on the sword.

He was simply operating like he always did.

Jay was a trained protector.

As a sniper in the Rangers his job was to focus on the target and tune out every other sense and sound.

As a police detective his job was to maintain a laser like focus on a case, neglecting sleep, personal relationships, his health.

It was all in the name of a greater good. A goal that was larger than the sum of its individual parts.

In this case he was faced with a decision that intentionally played on his most acute vulnerabilities.

Walker North had done extensive research on his target. While he failed the first time in trying to get Jay to trust his values and flip on Hank, he wouldn’t be fooled again.

The threat of taking down the Intelligence Unit and all the value they brought to Chicago was overwhelming.

The threat of Makayla being separated from one or both of her parents should they have ended up with jail time was not something he could bear. He loved Kim and Adam. He adored Makayla. It would have been an impossibility to watch that happen when he had the power to stop it.

The threat of North fucking with Kevin’s career after all he had gone through as a black cop in Chicago was enraging. Kevin didn’t deserve to be punished because of Jay’s mishandling of North.

The threat of Hank being sent to prison was a guaranteed death sentence. Someone would get to him. It would only be a matter of time. How was Jay supposed to live with that?

The threat of Hailey going to jail… possibly for 20+ years…what prison would do to a former cop…

North knew Jay’s weakness. The tragedy of it all was the alchemy of his greatest gifts - heart, compassion, smarts, athleticism… were also his downfall.

His beautiful, raw strength carried him through war, loss, intimidation, callousness, cruelty… through his whole life. He had an unwavering belief in himself that he could survive anything.

Nietzsche has an often quoted line, “he who has a why to live for, can bear almost any how.”

It was safe to say Jay Halstead had his why.

It’s not that he thought Hailey or Hank or Adam or Kim or Kevin or even Makayla were weak.  It was that he was a protector, he was the heart of every team he had ever been on. It’s how he defined his self-worth and identity.

When the choice had to be made. He unflinchingly went to his base operating system that came wired through his heart- stand up and protect.

Knowing all this did not make reading Hailey’s words any easier. As much as he tried to bury his yearning for her it would always remain.

Laying in his bed that night he decided to consider the ferocious letter a gift.

He had been at such a loss of how to approach communicating with her. He kept waiting for her to make the first move so he could follow her lead.

Now he knew. Hailey made herself clear.

While searing and hurtful, Hailey’s words helped him accept that she needed to move forward with her life. Jay understood Hailey was the victim of searching for peace in his chaotic soul. He didn’t want that for her anymore.

Hailey was his why, therefore he’d find the how to let her go.

He folded up the letter and tucked it under his mattress for safekeeping.

Jay knew that saying goodbye was not necessarily a finite end, rather, it was a release.

As an act of love he needed to release her from the brilliant and pernicious grip of their powerful connection. Given his circumstances it may be the last loving gesture he would ever be able to give to her.

The ink - stained stationary was all he had left. He knew that in moments of weakness he’d turn to that letter to feel her spirit.

Their once incandescent fire had been reduced to smoldering embers. Laying in that bed, envisioning her, Jay didn’t want to draw a single breath in fear that would be all it would take to extinguish their flame forever.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Makayla and Hank sat in Gwen Sigan’s office as Gwen read over the brief from Makayla’s professor.

Gwen took off her glasses and looked up.

“You guys really want to go there? I don’t think Jay will sign off on this. He has not been deprived of his power of decision or attorney.”

“What is it that is holding Jay back?” Makayla asked seriously. “This deal was a clear violation of his constitutional right to a fair and usual punishment.”

“Jay’s entire deal was built on protecting the rest of his unit from prosecution. If we throw out the deal, we start from scratch. Everyone’s fair game again.”

“That is some bullshit. You and North used his loyalty against him, and forced this whole farse under duress,” Hank spit out.

“Hank, you really want to go there? You get that this all started because he was protecting you right?” Gwen said with painful precision.

“North and I didn’t collude on anything. I begged Jay not to sign this deal. I told him it was against his best interests and I told North this could be a problem one day. After Jay’s hearing in Maryland I went back to Quantico with North to ream him out. He treated Jay like some sort of noxious terrorist,” Gwen said louder, trying to cleanse her guilty conscience.

“Now here we are. Those two stubborn men have not budged from their mindsets that got us to this place.”

“So if we somehow convince Jay then the whole unit could be on the chopping block again?” Makayla asked in defeat. Her parents would be heartbroken to hear this update. They all knew Jay wouldn’t allow that.

Gwen nodded. “Some statutes of limitations on a few of the charges may have expired, but many of them will stand up in court. Trying to free Jay could lead to locking others up.”

“Jay made his choice. As much as it pains me, I think given all that he has endured, you all should just accept his fate and be grateful to know that kind of love,” Gwen said looking at Jay’s mug shot in his file.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay and Gus had just finished a good session. They had made meaningful progress in their separate endeavors – reading for Gus and speaking clearly for Jay.

Jay’s speech had even gotten to the point where he wasn’t embarrassed to speak. That didn’t mean he was Mr. Loquacious, but it did allow one of his walls of isolation to thin out.

Gus headed out and said goodbye to Marty who was standing guard at the library door.

That left Jay alone in the library. He couldn’t stop the soft smile that crossed his lips. Peace, quiet, and more natural light than he had in years lay ahead until his shift ended in 2 hours.

Nearly an hour later Jay was deep into a book when he heard some angry whispering.

He lifted his eyes from the engaging pages when the whispers came out of the hall and into the library. Before he knew what was happening he saw 3 correctional officers devolve into a full-on brawl.

Spidey senses activated Jay saw that 2 of the guards were attacking Marty viciously. His physical form nearly fully restored; his muscle memory kicked in instinctively.

One of the guards was beating Marty in the head with his baton.

Jay dove into his friend’s attacker. His tremendous force knocked the guard into a bookshelf, bringing the entire thing down with them. He a threw a few brutal punches before knocking the man into oblivion.

Jay, quick on his feet, turned around to see the other man kicking Marty in the ribs as he lay motionless.

“Get the hell off of him,” Jay warned before pummeling the other man to the floor.

By that time the commotion was loud and raucous.

Two other guards came in and found Jay in mid-swing. They sounded the emergency alarm and called for a code black on their walkie talkies.

Within seconds Jay was tackled by two men who were then joined by two more. Each pinning one of his limbs to the ground.

“Ith he ok?” Jay tried to ask but the knee in his back muffled his breathless sounds.

It took another minute or so for others to arrive. Jay was swiftly cuffed with his arms behind his back and by his ankles. A leather strap was used to attach the upper and lower cuffs together in a tight hog tie. Finally a rubber ball and muzzle were affixed in his mouth and around his head.

Jay watched from his stomach as paramedics came in to work on the injured officers.

“Put him in PC 1,” the familiar voice of Warden Harris called out as 1 by 1 the officers were taken away on stretchers.

Jay didn’t see the guards behind him as they roughly lifted him into the air. Carrying a grown, hog tied man was cumbersome as can be. They dropped him within in seconds before taking his elbows and dragging him down the hall.

He quickly learned that PC stood for padded cell. It was an in older area of the prison, clearly not used very often. A relic from an era of imprisonment and psychiatric care gone by.

The loud, squeaking metal door did not have a window. He was lifted up and tossed in. The door slamming shut behind him.

He tried to wiggle out of his painful position to no vail as the rubber of the padded floor rubbed roughly against his skin and the cuffs had no give.

Shit how did this happen? Was Marty ok? How bad was this going to get?

---------------------------

Will was about 20 minutes away from Canyon Ridge when an automated text popped up. He ignored it until he pulled into the visitor parking lot.

“Please be advised that visitation for Jason Halstead has been suspended until further notice. Thank you.”

Will furiously stormed into the visitor’s entrance.

He came up to the officer at the front desk and anxiously twitched in anticipation.

“Next!” the guard called.

“Hi, my name is Will Halstead I am here to see my brother, inmate #147588 -- Jason Halstead.”

The guard typed in the information. “Uh, I’m sorry inmate Halstead does not have visitation privileges.”

“What the hell does that mean? I have been coming every week for months. He is a moderate security inmate now. What is going on?”

“Look, sir, I’m sorry for your trouble coming out here, but it is what it is. Whatever privileges that are granted can be revoked at any time. It’s the way things work around here. If you’d like to make an appointment with one of the prison external social workers to help cope with the stress of having family in prison do not hesitate to call,” he said handing will a business card.

Will threw the card on the ground as he stormed outside.

He dialed Gwen Sigan’s number and the call went straight to voice mail. “Hi Gwen, this is Will Halstead, something has happened and I need to know what is going on. Please call me back at your earliest convenience.”

His next call was to Hank Voight.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

It had been 12 hours since the incident.

Hank received a frantic call from Will. “Hank I have a bad feeling. Things had been going really well. How can we find out what’s going on? My gut is saying knock down the door and get him out of there.”

It was all Hank had to hear before grabbing his coat. Trudy drove him to the airport as he purchased a ticket to fly out in 2.5 hours.

Now, in Washington State Hank was waiting to meet with Warden Harris. Luckily his stature meant something there and allowed him a fast-tracked visit with the big boss.

“Sergeant Voight, welcome,” Harris said, extending his hand for a firm shake.

“Let’s skip the pleasantries shall we?” he offered seeing the glare in Hank’s eyes.

“What happened to Jay?” Hank asked cutting straight to the chase.

“Nothing happened to your boy. Your boy is what happened. He viciously attacked three of my men. One is in surgery getting a metal plate in his head and all three have busted ribs and blacks and blue faces.”

“What did they do provoke him?” asked clenching his fists. This wasn’t good. “In all the years I have known Jay he never started a fight. He sure as hell know how to finish one when needed, though.”

“According to my guys that are conscience he just snapped and went on a violent rampage.”

“Well what does the video show?” Hank asked, filled with suspicion regarding the order of events.

The Warden paused for a second. “No video footage. Something is up with the circuit system.”

Sensing Hank’s suspicious tone Harris moved to put him in his place. “Look Sergeant. It is clear you care deeply about him. I gave him the benefit of the doubt and the benefit of your word by moving him to medium security. Now I have 3 officers in the hospital, with two identifying him as the attacker and several other officers confirming he was beating them to a pulp when help arrived.”

“The evidence is damning. Mr. Halstead likely will never see the light of day outside of these prison walls again.”

Hank rubbed his chin and looked up. If these charges against Jay stuck it would be game over.

“Look Warden Harris, you have been fair to my kid, that is all I could ask for. But it seems to me that it is awfully coincidental the cameras stopped working at the same time this alleged attack took place. You are a man of honor and a man of your word. Your reputation precedes you.”

Hank took a breath. He’d have one shot at saving Jay from spending the rest of his life in prison.

“Before serving as judge, jury, and executioner, give him a fair trial. Find the video evidence. If it corroborates your officer’s stories, I’ll accept what comes next.”

Hank was appealing to the warden’s moral code, his sense of duty. It was the only card he had left to play.

It had been a long time since Hank connected with Jay in any real way. This was a gamble. Jay’s spirit was decimated by prison. Maybe he had changed. If Hank was wrong and they find damning video of Jay instigating the attack, this could be the final nail in his coffin.

Ultimately he felt when placing a bet Jay Halstead was as good of a gamble as they come.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Word about what happened spread quickly.

Hank got a motel near Canyon Ridge as they waited for an update.

Warden Harris gave Hank the full report including Jay’s mistreatment. Ever the honest Marine, he was willing to take his lumps for the cruelty that happened on his watch.

Life was continuing for Jay’s family and friends, but their forward progress was shackled with heavy hearts. The guilt ran deep. They understood Jay’s rationale and motivation – if only that made accepting his fate easier.

Adam especially respected the code of honor and loyalty police officers shared. Hearing how Jay was severely mistreated offered an outlet for his frustrations. He flipped out and threw furniture all around his office.

When you find your home within other people they leave an indelible mark. How was he supposed to be okay with correctional officers sworn to an oath harming his home and family?

The lack of control was the hardest part. They couldn’t do anything meaningful to help.

Hailey was holding it all in. When Will called she thought he was calling to tell her he saw Jay and relayed her message. Maybe Jay would have told him he didn’t even get a letter from her yet.

Instead she learned communication was cut off for a while. He suggested she send another letter if she wanted to get a message to him soon.

Hailey contemplated that the universe was trying to tell her to let him go. Every sign seemed to point in that direction. Heck a fairy came into her apartment to ensure it be so.

Holding on was hurting her. She only now came to understand how much it was hurting him too.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay could hear the sound of loud footsteps and muffled angry voices, before the metal door swung open.

His breathing ping ponged between slow and rapid and his mind was rife with confusion. It had been 42 hours since he was tossed in the cell and left hog tied on the floor. Signs of severe dehydration had set in. The stench of urine filled the tiny enclosed space.

A pair of shiny shoes appeared and the legs attached to them squatted down in front of him.

“How long has he been left like this? No food? No water? Laying in his own waste?” The voice snapped. In Jay’s confusion he wasn’t sure… was that Warden Harris?

“After what he did to John, Marty, and Charlie… no one wanted to deal with him,” another voice protested.

The legs bent before him shot up straight. “I don’t give a damn if he fucks all of your mothers, any ward under my care is fed and bathed according to protocol. This is inhumane and degrading, a violation of his rights,” the voice roared in anger. The legs before Jay became hands too, hands that removed the ball jammed in his mouth. With the removal of the rubber stopper, his dry, swollen tongue draped over his lips with uncontrollable awkwardness.

“Get him fed, hydrated, and bathed. Have infirmary check him out and then bring him to my office when he is all cleared,” Warden Harris ordered before turning around and leaving.

The space was too small for the two guards trying to pull Jay out.

“God damn it, he pissed himself,” one of the men said as they lifted him up and touched his urine-stained uniform.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next 24 hours were a fuzzy fog that slowly cleared. Jay was taken straight to the infirmary were IV fluids were administered and lunch was hand fed to him, as his confusion and trembling hands made it difficult to do himself. After several IV’s of saline and 3 full meals his mind opened up, fog lifted. The effects of the severe dehydration had mostly abated. He was given the clearance to leave the infirmary.

Jay tried to ask about Marty, but no one would say a word to him that wasn’t related to his own medical care.

From there he was taken to the showers. His stench was overpowering even him. The water and soap were welcome. The red scrubs waiting for him were an ominous hint of what was to come.

Jay was then escorted to Warden Harris’s office were his wrists and ankles were each cuffed individually to one of the chairs in front of the warden’s desk.

Jay looked up at the large grandfather clock on the other side of Warden Harris’s desk. There were standard white clocks with black numbers and hands in the prison cafeterias and community rooms, so this wasn’t the first clock he had seen in prison.

Something about this clock felt different. The dark wood tones, the gold numbers and hands, and the majestic largesse of its size pulled its admirer in.

Time is all of humankind’s most precious commodity. Something money and power cannot buy.

This wasn’t some plastic prototype mass produced. An artisan likely spent countless hours creating this masterpiece. Jay was intrigued by the concept of someone spending an immense allotment of time to create a measuring tool of time.

He felt his heartbeat run in sync with the loud ticking of each passing second. Jay found himself mesmerized by the command of his senses the timeless piece demanded.

Mathematical formulations began flowing in his mind. One second. 60 seconds in a minute. 60 minutes in an hour. 24 hours in a day. 1440 minutes in a day. 86400 seconds in a day. 365 days in a year.  525,600 minutes in a year. 31,536,000 seconds in a year.

He had been in prison for 7 years and 4 months.

233,366,400. The beautiful hand of that clock ticked 233,366,400 times since Walker North handcuffed Jay in Bolivia. And It would tick millions more before Jay’s sentence was up.

The grandeur of the clock was a bittersweet revelation of just how much precious time had dissolved into oblivion. Depending on what type of charges would befall him for attacking federal correctional officers…. infinity may be his fate.

He was coming to terms with what was to come.

Jay sat listening and watching and feeling the passage of time. He rubbed his fingers against the chair’s armrest to ground himself in the present.

That is when reality smacked him in the face. He had been apart from Hailey longer than he had known her and with each tick of the clock the vastness of the space between grew ever larger.

His eyes were still dry and crusty from his spell of severe dehydration, thus keeping the tears welling up at bay.

 A blessing really. Warden Harris walked in and pulled up a chair next to him.

“How are you feeling? What happened to you was inexcusable. I can assure you those involved will be dealt with appropriately,” Harris said in reference to Jay being left bound in a padded closest for nearly two full days.

Jay nodded a little. Unsure he was ready to hear his destiny.

“As for the altercation between you and officers Mulgrew, Jhorden, and Stevenson we did as comprehensive of a look as possible in 3 days… it seems something premeditated was brewing between my men and you stepped in to clean up the mess.”

Jay looked up with surprise. He knew Marty was attacked because of his kinship to Jay. He just didn’t know Warden Harris put the puzzle pieces together too.

“They tried to delete the video. Erase the evidence of what transpired. Luckily we have backups on the main server. It was clear you saw two officers’ beating another officer and you intervened. Jay, you may have saved officer Stevenson’s life. He is healing well, already back at home.”

Jay sat there in stunned silence. He thought for sure this would lead to extending his sentence.

“I have spoken with officers Mulgrew and Jhorden. They have officially been relieved of their duties. They will withdraw the charges they pressed against you, while they deal with the charges we will be pressing against them,” Harris said sincerely.

“Look, out there,” Harris said looking toward the window, “that act would make you some kind of hero. In here it doesn’t. The fact is you attacked two correctional officers and caused significant bodily harm. You have no legal right to lay a hand on a correctional officer ever.”

Jay looked at his warden with unflinching eyes despite the fact the man held control of Jay’s every movement in the palm of his hand. He didn’t regret what he did and he needed that to be communicated. He wasn’t going to sit idly like a wilting flower anymore.

In a twist of fate, defending Marty and suffering in the aftermath reminded Jay of who he was. It showed him that while he may be a broken winged bird, his broken wing didn’t define the measure of his worth.

Jay Halstead was and forever more would be a protector.

“Yeah, I know you’d do it again,” Harris said patting Jay on the leg as he stood up.

“You likely have figured it out based on your attire. You are back to maximum security and you will remain ther until your release. You have also lost phone and visiting privileges for 8 weeks,” he said as he pushed the intercom.

“Please send two officers to retrieve prisoner Halstead and transfer him back to a max cell.”

Jay was about to return his eyes to the ground when Harris caught his attention with one last comment. “I had to give you a punishment befitting the infraction you committed. The rules are the rules. But I now know who I am dealing with and character means something in my book.”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Several days later Jay was surprised to hear that he had a visitor. Warden Harris was pretty clear that privilege had been revoked for a while.

That surprise turned to utter shock when it wasn’t Will sitting on the other side of the glass.

Eyes red rimmed and puffy it was Walker North.

Jay slowly picked up the phone with chills down his spine. Walker was here to convince Warden Harris to throw the book at him, wasn’t he?

Walker’s vacant pained etched eyes didn’t give away anything,“you won.”

Chapter Text

“You won,” Walker North said in a broken tone. “You beat me at my own game.”

Chained like a caged animal, Jay tried to understand what on earth North was talking about.  If this was winning he would gladly give up the crown. 

Looking at Jay, North took stock of his nemesis. From the looks of things, he wasn’t the same confident man he locked up all those years ago. The same eyes that once burst with confidence now sat vacant.

“Remember that evening we met at the site we found Walton’s body?” Walker asked, clearly stuck in an emotional memory.

Jay had been spending the last 7.5 years and certainly the better part of the last few months perfecting his silent vacuous stare. 

Unphased, Walker continued.

“I really thought you were the one that Hank Voight couldn’t turn. You know why?”

Being the stealthy special agent that he was, North got the memo that this would be a one-sided conversation.

“After looking into you, really digging deep, I saw so much of myself in you. I knew what it was like to respect the law of order. To play by the rules. To get frustrated watching others so easily flaunt them. Always the prodigal son.”

“When you came at me with the dirt on Joey, sure I was pissed you were blowing up the case, but really I was shocked and disappointed. You said everyone changes everyone. I wanted to believe that wasn’t true, that goodness and purity could prevail. I thought you were the one.”

North took a second to beckon the strength to go through with his goal for their conversation.

“Then Joey overdoses a few weeks later…” North chokes out.

“You had him arrested, go cold turkey. The rebound from that kind of detox is often bad. And it was.”

Jay’s eyes shifted around a little- a sign of recognition. Joey’s addiction ultimately led to his overdose, something that would have most likely happened sooner or later. But it was hard not to see that his actions may have inadvertently played a part. 

At the time Jay had a singular focus of protecting Hailey, Hank, himself… he hadn’t take full stock of the collateral damage he left behind

Man there was bad blood between the two men sitting face-to-face in that visitation booth, and yet the brutal honesty shared transcended the toxic bitterness.

“It broke me, man,” North confessed.

“What the hell did playing by the rules get me?”

“The doctors said he’d never be the same. I had to watch his empty shell of a body just lay there day in and day out. He was handed a life sentence and my punishment was having to watch it play out.”

The magic of Jay Halstead is his heart, his empathy, his undying need to heal what was broken in others. 

He had locked his instincts and feelings away for so long, Jay had honestly forgotten what it felt for his true self to flow through his veins. 

The walls he built up were stony, effective, but not impenetrable. Although Walker North straight up destroyed his life and caused awful hurt to his loved ones, the regret and sorrow Jay felt hearing Walker’s pain could not be denied. 

Walker was really crying now.

“And then I hear you quit abruptly, ran off to Bolivia. Rumor had it that in order to return to yourself you had to run away.”

Hand in a fist, “Joey couldn’t run away from his brain damage. I couldn’t run away from having to nurse him and then ultimately put him in a nursing home. There was no returning to what we had or to who we were. Why the hell should you get that privilege?”

Walker took a minute or two to compose himself.

“Joey’s dead, Jay. Gone,” he said before he bit his fist to hold back a sob.

“He kept getting these bed sores. Once sepsis became a factor…”

Jay shifted slightly in his chair. He imagined if it were Will, how he would feel, what he would do. 

“He was the absolute sweetest kid. You would have liked him. You know the kind of gentle soul this world just tramples over?”

“Yeah, the bullying sucked. Eventually drugs entered the picture…”

Walker reached into his briefcase and pulled out a folder.

“I failed him then. I won’t fail him now.”

Jay watched as Walker opened the folder and took in the contents. Walker eventually looked up at the ceiling as if he was willing his mind to have the strength he needed right now.

“I was right, Jay. People don’t have to change you. You stepped into Voight’s world and in less than a year realized it wasn’t you. You couldn’t do it. In the end, you hadn’t changed at all…”

“I watch you sacrifice everything for your wife and for your friends. You gave everything of yourself so freely like it was the most natural act in the world. As hard as he tried, Hank didn’t change you. Like I said you beat me at my own game. Showed me I was right.”

“So maybe we both won?”

“These are missing pages from your file. I knew if my colleagues learned about what happened to you and why you almost were killed, my ass would be toast. So I completely obstructed justice and got rid of the phone records of you calling me begging for a felon you put away to be transferred or for you to be transferred. As you know I ignored your pleas, and you ended up nearly getting killed. I think I subconsciously wanted your fate to be in a nursing home bed right next to Joey…”

Jay was at a loss at this point. The emotional conversation was taking twists and turns he couldn’t anticipate. He wasn’t accustomed to having a conversation with anyone this deep, for this length. He was struggling to keep his composure.

“When I leave here I will be faxing these to Gwen Sigan. What she decides to do with them…? He shrugs…“well it’ll be out of my hands. But it’s the right thing to do, so that’s how it’s going to be.”

“I don’t know if I can bring myself to say I’m sorry to you. Not there yet… but I can say thank you. You… Joey… you guys brought me to my lowest points and also helped to remind me who I am. Who my parents raised me to be.”

“All the shit, all the pain…. In the end I won’t let it change me either.”

Walker put the folder back into his bag and looked back up at the ceiling to ensure the tears were done.

He was about to hang up the phone when Jay’s first sentences in a long while reached his ears.

He struggled and focused to get the words out right. “I am so-ree, Noth…so-ree fo Joey … so-ree for awl of ith.”

--------------------------------------------------------------------------

“What is this all about?” Adam asked as he walked up to the bullpen with Trudy. He came from his office across town when Gwen Sigan texted Jay’s support group asking for a video call at 4 PM.

They all convened around Kim’s desk waiting for the host to let them in. Will was joining too. 

Hailey had been asked to be removed from the group. She knew what she had to do to let Jay move on and get through the rest of his sentence. Getting updates, hearing about him, it would make letting him go impossible.

“What if the warden did an about face regarding pressing charges against Jay?” Kim asked with a blaze of worry across her face.

“Sporty spice, calm yourself. We panic when there is a reason to panic. Capeesh?” Trudy said with a stern motherly tone.

After a torturous few minutes Gwen, Will, and Natalie appeared on the screen.

“So?” Hank said, trying to get Gwen to spit it out quickly.

“Walker North spent 7 hours yesterday speaking with some of our colleagues in the FBI,” she started.

“What do you mean? What is this all about?” Will asked with his interest peaked.

“I need as many of you as possible to get in your cars, get on a plane, get on a damn bus for all I care… but get to Canyon Ridge as soon as possible,” She commanded.

“Gwen, what is this?” Hank said, sick of the guessing game in his head.

Gwen let out a huff,” Jay is refusing a deal and I need your help to convince him.”

“Gwen?” Will asked in hopeful befuddlement. 

“Long story short. You know those missing pages in Jay’s file?” Everyone looked at each other and nodded. They turned over every stone to solve that piece of that puzzle with no luck.

“North sent them to me two days ago. I passed them along to a colleague. When he was brought in for questioning he let down his guard and answered everything honestly—how he set Jay up for a toxic deal and false confession, how he left Jay in prison with someone you guys put away leading to his near fatal beating, how he was ready to get this all off his chest and accept any punishment that is coming…”

Everyone had their jaws on the floor. It was Natalie who was level-headed enough to cut to the chase.

“Gwen, are you saying that Jay will be freed?”

“I am saying the FBI wants to avoid egg on their faces and are willing to cut a deal with Jay but he is refusing to negotiate.”

“I’m going to kill him,” Adam yelled out before Kim belted him in the stomach.

“Instead of contemplating your murder strategy, how about you all get your asses here by tomorrow morning. I’ll see you at 11.”

--------------------------------------------------------------

Jay had spent the previous 24 hours in his cell. The guards had all been given a harsh talking to by Warden Harris. 

They had to understand that what happened wasn’t on Jay. Many thought Jay just got a slap on the wrist, but had to accept that and move forward. If anyone tried to pull any revenge bullshit for their fired colleagues, they would be joining them on the unemployment line.

Harris had a prison to run. He couldn’t let Jay get off too easily or he would have a mutiny on his hands. Punishing Jay, and warning his staff, felt like the best he could do.

The hands-off approach and terribly rainy day led to a full day in confinement. 

Jay was antsy. It had been a difficult few days. 

First his confrontation with North left him in a tailspin. Each time he let a small piece of his shield down he paid the price. 

The snowball was growing fast. Igniting his empathy with Marty and now with North, ignited thoughts, the thoughts then ignited feelings, and before he knew it he was dangerously dreaming of Hailey again. 

Intoxicating as it may be, he couldn’t be half in survival mode. It was either in or out.

Then Gwen gets Warden Harris to allow a phone call- legally you cannot deprive an inmate from time with their lawyer.

Gwen tries to sell him some too good to be true offer for his exoneration. But Jay knew that any deal he made would leave Hailey and his Intelligence family vulnerable. Why couldn’t anyone understand he would never do that? Did the last 7.5 years mean nothing? He made his bed and had accepted the suffering sleeping in it entails. Why couldn’t they?

Jay’s head is spinning when a knock on his door…”stand at attention!?”

Jay did as was told as two guards chained him up appropriately. He took the long shackled shuffle walk to the other side of the prison complex and found himself cuffed to the same chair in Warden Harris’s office.

“I don’t break protocol,” the warden started. “Not sometimes, not on special occasions. Never.”

“Well, you know what they say…never say never?” he said as he did the waving motion over Jay’s head. 

With the way he was cuffed Jay couldn’t turn his head around to see what was happening. So Warden Harris asked the guards at the door to come in and turn Jay’s chair around.

That is how he found himself sitting dumbfounded by the sight of Hank, Trudy, Adam, Kevin, Will, and Gwen standing in a line by the door.

“Character means something in my book, first time for everything,” Harris whispered in Jay’s ear before walking out.

Gwen jumped right in. “We don’t have long Jay so I am going to cut to the chase. The FBI is willing to fully exonerate you. You didn’t do this. They know that.”

Will couldn’t help but leap on her words. “Jay, they will consider your time served as undercover work. They get to save some face, and you get enough years tagged onto your time in the military and CPD to get a platinum pension,” he smiled. “Stability for a new beginning.”

“All you have to do is sign an NDA to protect their asses,” Adam said with a hint of disgust on his lips.

It was a good thing Jay was completely strapped into that chair or else he would have leaped up and strangled someone.

“NO!!!!” he fiercely yelled.

“Jay, please we are begging you to stop. You aren’t thinking straight,” Kim said, getting on her knees to be eye level with him.

He looked away, turning his head to the side and closing his eyes.

Kim looked up in dismay.

Hank took the next shot. “Halstead you listen to me. This is over. Enough is enough. We know this has always been about protecting us, but you have to let us protect you too. This isn’t a one-way street.”

Gwen chimed in. “Jay, they try to go after anyone else, we can fight those charges. You shouldn’t just assume everyone’s going to jail if you take a deal.”

Hank cupping his chin, “I’m telling you kid, you don’t do this I am turning myself in. You did your part. Now it's time for me to do mine. It's my job to protect you, I am sorry for failing you so miserably. I’m so sorry….”

Eyes still tightly shut, Jay vigorously shook his head no. How could they be forcing his hand like this? Hank crying? After all he did for them to try to strong arm him now, risk everyone’s saftey?

Trudy came over to join the chorus. “Jay we have no idea what you have been through and what this experience has done to you. I think in trying to justify your original decision you’ve dug your heals in. It doesn’t have to be this way. North has confessed. Circumstances have changed.”

Jay sat there with his eyes closed. His internal struggle broadcasting off of him like sonar waves.

“Big guns?” Kevin said. Will and Hank nodded.

Jay heard their feet shuffling and then finally quiet. 

The sound of the grandfather clock ticking second by second was all he could hear.

He tried to zone into the sound in hopes of drowning out all that his visitors had stirred up. His hands began to tremble as the overwhelming ticking sound grew louder. The specter of time hangs heavily.

“Tick. Tick. Tick.”

He was then startled by soft petite hands trying to steady the shaking.

He didn’t have to open his eyes to know. 

----------------------------------------------------------------------

On the way to the airport Hank had texted Hailey. He had a hunch that for them to have any chance with Jay they had to go for his jugular. They kept her in the wings to force his heart, thereby forcing his hand.

“Jay I am closing my eyes too, ok?” Hailey said in her buttery soft voice.

There was a laundry list of things she wanted to say. Without knowing if he received her letter or not she was wary of bringing it up. 

Unsure how much time was left before the Warden kicked her out she got to work.

“You with me?” she asked, imbuing all her love and regret and all her everything into her tone.

Jay took a deep breath, eyes still closed.

“I've trusted you from the day I met you. And if I was gonna follow someone blind, I'd follow you,” Hailey calmly whispered.

She said those same words to him years ago. Those words summoned some pretty powerful memories of being partners. Jay was struggling to allow those memories in. For with them came all the love, trust, safety he had lived without for so long.

“Here we are, eyes closed, blinded….” She paused and took a deep, loud breath, “do you trust me?”

Jay nodded and quickly realized that with both of their eyes closed he’d have to speak.

“All-ways,” he whispered slowly, trying hard to pronounce it correctly, just like when he read with Gus.

“Good. That’s good. I need you to open your eyes for me,”

She waited patiently. He needed a minute. Of course he trusted her. He just needed a few more seconds of holding on to the safety net of being her protector before their roles could be reversed.

“Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick,” the clock echoed.

“That’s it,” she said as he blinked, his eyes opened at the same time as Hailey’s.

She stared into his eyes. 

She prayed with everything in her that he understood. That all she had to do was look at him. Look at him and he’d get it. Just like he did to her when they were partners.

In his eyes she wasn’t sure what she was reading- perhaps she was reflecting her own guilt or perhaps Jay was grappling with the onslaught of memory, but Hailey saw all of it play like a montage reel. The rapes, the attacks, the loneliness, the brokenness, the silent desperation… Jay was playing a highlight reel of what his love for her wrought on his life.

His haunted eyes took the air out of her lungs.

Swallowing hard, “Gwen will try to negotiate with the FBI for immunity for the team. But Jay no matter what comes of that discussion, I am asking you to trust me,” she began.

“The pain of keeping you here will far outweigh any possible repercussions of you signing a deal. Everyone is embarrassed by what happened to you. They don't want to go public with this. The chances of that happening are small.”

Hailey saw Jay waver and move his eyes away. She understood she was asking him to go against his stubborn instincts, to deny himself the qualities that made him whole.

“If you can’t do it for yourself, then do it for me,” she graciously begged. “Follow me this time.”

He squeezed her hands with the exact gentle firmness that defined Jay Halstead.

“You protected me for over 7 years, Jay. You protected all of us with your decency and your loyalty. But you hurt me too. I don’t think you understand what your sacrifice has cost me. I can’t move on like this. I can’t let go with you in here, like this…” she says looking at his shackled limbs.

“Jay, I need you to protect me now in a different way. Please. Do it for me.”

Jay finally let his eyes lock back with hers. “It’s going to be ok,” she soothed him with her voice, she soothed with her hands caressing his cheek, she soothed him with everything she had.

--------------------------------------------------------

Hailey walked out of Warden Harris’s office with a solemn face.

Littering the small hallway that attached the administrative offices to the rest of the prison, the team looked up trying to get a read on her face.

Will stood up from the floor and Hailey nodded at him as she burst into a silent guttural cry.

They embraced. Trudy came over and hugged them too. Then Kim. Then Adam. Then Kevin. 

Hank and Gwen stood watching. 

It was finally over.

--------------------------------------------------------------------

Negotiations were on day four and nearly coming to a close.

Gwen was able to get the FBI to grant immunity to Hank and Hailey on the Roy Walton case. They were happy to do it if it meant Jay would agree to the deal. They couldn’t sweep this stain under the rug fast enough. 

A decorated Ranger and Detective knowingly falsely imprisoned, left unprotected despite knowledge of being identified as a cop, brutally beaten, raped for years… this could be disastrous for many careers if leaked.

As far as the dirt regarding Illinois/Chicago cases North had dug up, the FBI couldn’t force local authorities’ hands. If they tried to, it would just draw attention to cases long buried and forgotten.

The chances of any of that coming to fruition and hurting the Intelligence crew without someone like North pushing the cases to the surface were nominal, close to zero.

He would also be exonerated for cracking the skull of a fellow prisoner. After all an undercover cop in prison is allowed to protect himself from rape.

They were finalizing all the details of the deal. Including Jay’s gold-plated pension that would grant him the freedom to take all the time he needed to heal, find his footing again. They even elevated his rank to Sergeant, increasing his pension even more.

That is when Jay threw a curveball that Gwen did not expect.

He would only sign the deal if North would be granted immunity too.

Gwen tried to persuade Jay to back off on that demand. It was one thing to get immunity for his people, but to force the FBI’s hand regarding prosecuting one of their own was really pushing things.

Jay was adamant. He felt enough suffering was shared between them. He carried guilt and regret in how they used and discarded Joey.

If North was right, that you can remain true to your principles despite the cruelty or behaviors of others, despite all the ways life can beat you down, then Jay had to dig deep and not allow the past 7.5 years to corrupt his heart.

While he could never bring Joey back, he could show North that Joey helped both men return to themselves. Let goodness lead despite everything else trying to pull you asunder.

That is who Joey was before the drugs stole his beauty. That is who North was before the evil in this world pulled him to the dark side for a while. And that is who Jay was before he tried to control outcomes like Hank Voight.

Jay was fighting other demons in those days of negotiations. Hailey still held a divine power over him. 

While all she saw was how much she hurt him, all he saw was the pain he wracked on her life. 

Before that visit he was resolute. If he had to hurt again to protect her, that is what he would do. He was fully prepared to serve out his sentence, to let her go for good.

But she came and asked him to follow her. She asked him to trust her instincts. 

Nearly every bone in his body coiled, begging him to stay strong. 

In the end, he could not refuse her heart. 

He saw its pain and love begging him to follow her into the unknown of accepting a deal.

Sitting eye to eye in the Warden’s office as Hailey soothed Jay into accepting what had to come, silently they both said goodbye. It was one of the most painful interactions of their lives. Each selflessly trying to free the other from the pain of the last seven plus years. Acting from love, to relinquish the profound pain they had caused each other they let one another go. It was the loudest, silent goodbye recorded in history.

If this was their last interaction, he would not deny her.

The burden of losing her weighed like an anvil on his chest. One he was willing to carry if it meant freeing her to pursue a happy life.

So, if the FBI could agree to only take away North’s FBI shield, and keep him out of jail, Jay would sign the deal.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Will waited outside of Canyon Ridge’s main entrance. They had said 9AM. It was now nearly 11AM.

Finally, a slender figure dressed in all white appeared outside of the front door. Jay’s fatigues that he had worn when he was brought in had been long lost between all his prison transfers. The prison gave him a white t-shirt, white sweatpants, and slippers from the in-house psych ward as a solution.

He made a note in his mind to get Jay new clothes ASAP.

Will watched as Jay looked back to the guard that walked him out—he could tell Jay hadn’t grasped his freedom yet, and he was asking if it was ok to walk down the stairs to his brother.

Will took the lead and ran up the stairs.

“You can go, Halstead,” the guard said to Jay. The final order Jay would hopefully ever have to follow from a prison guard.

Will stopped his jog a few steps away and watched Jay look up at the sky with a sense of wonder. It was like a young child discovering small things about the world for the first time. 

“Jay! Congratulations,man,” Will beamed as he waved his arm to encourage his brother to move his feet.

Jay began his descent down the stairs. Slowly. Trepidatiously. With careful intention. With a confused sense of how to take up space in the outside world.

Will inhaled a deep breath. He had spent the last few days speaking with the prison’s social work staff in preparation for Jay’s transition.

It’s not like the movies where you walk out of long-term confinement with your arms pumped in the air and your soul ready to fly. Well, it wasn’t like that for everyone. Certainly not for Jay.

Will thought he was ready. He took the online tutorials, did all the workshops with the social work and psych teams.

And yet, watching Jay’s first steps into the real world was wrought with a painful sting that was hard to stomach despite all of his preparation.

“Come on brother,” he said with a soft smile as he took Jay’s unsure hand, “let’s get you home.”

-------------------------------------------

The ride home was quiet. Will asked if Jay wanted to listen to the radio or play some music, Jay gently shook his head no.

Will gave Jay a rundown of what home would look like. He, Nat, and the boys had a huge 5-bedroom house right on Puget’s Sound. The tony upper middle class neighborhood was a far cry from how they grew up in Canaryville. Two doctors’ salaries went a long way.

Jay’s room was all set up. The boys decorated it for him, so apologies were made in advance for the random GI Joe and Chicago sport team décor.

“Don’t kill me but we have one of those fancy, mixed breed dogs. He’s a sheepadoodle, named Cozy. He is half sheepdog half poodle and full of trouble, but he is hypoallergenic for Owen’s allergies.”

That got some side-eye and a crooked smirk out of Jay.

Will kept rattling off how cool the property was, how Jay will love all the nature, how Jay can take all the time he needs….

The drive took just a touch over 2 hours. Will had become inured to the beauty of the coast, having done this exact drive dozens of times since Jay’s last transfer.

The shape of the trees, the rich hues they reflected, the magnificence of the rugged terrain was overwhelming. 

For so long Jay had the same narrow view, the same little snapshot of nature, and of the world. This new vantage point was challenging to process and take-in.

He felt embarrassed. The beauty was captivating and seemingly endless. It held so much promise and hope that no matter what happened in the world, that view would endure. 

He sat in his brother’s supple leather seats and right next to his brother’s supportive love, filled with anxiety. 

The spectacular vastness of it all was a stark difference compared to the confined cell he had become accustomed to for the better part of the last decade. 

He hadn’t anticipated that life on the outside may be scarier than the tiny little world he had lived in for so long.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The first few months out of prison were filled with a lot of awkward transitions.

It took Jay a while to realize he was truly free. He waited for direction or asked permission to do everything. 

No matter how many times Will and Natalie assured him he didn’t have to ask permission to take food from the fridge, or permission to go outside, or permission to turn out the lights and go to bed, the list went on and on  … It took a while for Jay to break free of those habits. 

Will had to hide his tears when Jay asked for permission to go to the bathroom as they sat with the boys watching a Blackhawks game.

Jay had to relearn how to be his own man. It was going to take time.

Will hated it so much. It took a lot of Natalie’s calming presence and inner strength not to yell at his brother in the hopes of snapping him out of his trance.

Jay was hesitant about a cellphone those first few months and didn’t give any inclination for wanting visitors. 

As such, Will would update his Chicago family with texts and photos. He’d use them as an emotional outlet. It was hard to fathom Jay being meek or timid. Everyone kept assuring Will that the real Jay was under it all, to just give it time for his inner strength to emerge.

A few saving graces helped ease the transition home and that of living together:

The first being proximity to nature. Jay would spend his days roaming around on their property. The house sat on a big hill that led down to Puget’s Sound. By the shoreline was a boat shack/tool shed that had tools and two old beaten up wooden row boats.

Jay had always been handy and quickly found busy work with his hands fixing up the boats. He would spend days at a time sanding a few rough spots until they were perfectly smooth. There was no rush, for him it wasn’t about the destination. The slow, methodical effort it took for perfect results was the silent mediation he needed to subconsciously create space for healing.

He’d become so astute at locking away his thoughts over the years he didn’t think of prison often. Just like with other trauma it came out in subtle ways. He was jittery, prone to nightmares. Certain sounds, scents, senses would awaken his shaking hands. The cold dampness of the Seattle weather would make the floors cold. He may have not connected that to the memory of being assaulted on cold concrete, but feeling the chilled floors sparked an unsettled anxiety.

To cope, he would find a blemish on the boat and get lost in the quiet meditation of correcting the imperfection. With each back and forth movement the trembles would diminish until they too were sanded away into dust.

Natalie and Will had a pretty expansive property. Jay naturally took to its care mowing the lawn, trimming the wild bushes and vegetation. He even convinced Will to get him an ax and a saw so he could chop down all of the trees that sat too close to their house. He then would use the wood for his various woodwork creations.

The constant physical activity and focus on tangible tasks was a true gift. His hands and body were the gateway to his heart and mind. Together they would slowly help him integrate back to life.

The second and most profound were his nephews.

Jay didn’t say much. It probably would make most people feel uncomfortable, but for the boys it allowed them to steer the ship and to build a relationship on their terms.

They had this vessel of love at their disposal that was desperate for connection without the foggiest clue how. The boys couldn’t possibly understand what a priceless gift they were to Jay’s closed off heart. He certainly wasn’t in the frame of mind to consider what a treasure he’d become to the whole family.

Will and Natlie understood. They were blessed with a front row seat for it all.

Every day Jay would spend hours with Owen afterschool practicing hitting, sliding, grounding balls. For Jay it was a way to connect without having to converse, and to pay back Will and Natalie for their endless patience and generosity. He fell in love with the kid quickly.

For Owen, he was thrilled to be with his uncle Jay. Will had regaled the boys with their uncle’s heroic stories. For Owen, who lost his birth father Jeff, a soldier in Afghanistan, Jay’s war stories both abroad and in the streets of Chicago were mesmerizing.

Connecting with Jay made him feel closer to the father he never met. Jay’s sweet and quiet demeanor, athletic prowess, and fierce competitiveness were the perfect combination for Owen. As their bond grew, Owen became better at baseball, found a new confidence, all as he helped his uncle inch back to the real world.

Then there was Jace. Nearing 4, his soul was as old as they come. It was uncanny to see Jace and Jay together. Natalie and Will marveled how alike they were. The two brooding, serious, focused Jasons. They had similar mannerisms and the same green eyes. They both loved sitting in the boat shack listening to the Seattle rain, lost in a seemingly small project that for them held holiness in its execution.

Jace was in preschool and came home before his big brother, allowing for lots of time helping his uncle on his woodworking projects and landscaping endeavors.

Jace didn’t need Jay to talk to find comfort in one another. The two old souls would work together on any hands-on project that was needed. He was detailed like his uncle and once Jay taught him to sand, they would work together with sandpaper perfecting every last inch of rot.

The family dog, Cozy, also played a tangible role in Jay’s recovery. He was loyal, rambunctious too. That dog adored having someone home when everyone else was at work or school. He’d dutifully follow Jay around, bark at any foul or fauna that came near, and acted as Jay’s constant companion. His fluffy coat often gave Jay a project to detangle or brush. All the physical interaction Cozy demanded was grounding. He was really out of prison. He was really here. I mean would a giant fluffy dog lie?

After three months Jay asked if he could move into what he called the boat house. It was a space where he found comfort. It was small like his cell, somewhere he could retreat to when he was overwhelmed by his freedoms. 

Will’s and Natalie’s big house was too much for him. In some ways he was like a newborn baby desperate to be swaddled, to return to the safety of the womb. 

This provided an opportunity for a comforting corner of his own without leaving them.

“House?” Will laughed with an eye roll. “You mean the tool shed?

Jace’s and Owen’s eyes lit up. To them it sounded like living in a cool fort.

“You guys are amazing. I know taking me in like this, having me invade your space has been a lot. I appreciate it so much,” Jay said with the clarity the top-notch speech therapy Will arranged in Seattle had allowed. He finally had regained what the brain bleed took away.

Natalie put her hand on Will’s leg to stop him from putting Jay’s idea down. As much as Will was attuned to his brother, Natalie could read Jay’s subtle needs better. She had to squeeze his hand hard to ensure her blabber mouthed husband stayed quiet.

“Jay, you are welcome to stay forever as far as we are concerned. Also, we totally get you wanting your own space. But there is barely any electricity and no running water, what can we do to make this comfortable for you?”

Owen excitedly jumped in. “There is that one light, I bet we could find a way to add more voltage, I’ve been learning all about it in Physics…”

“I help too!!!” Jace yelled out.

“Ok, ok, hold your roll boys. Jay, how about we get a plumber and electrician to see what it would take to make the space hospitable?” Will said as Natalie held her hand dangerously close to her husband’s man parts. He shifted uncomfortably understanding the gravity of her seriousness, and behaved.

Before long Jay’s modest little shed was outfitted with a little insolation and plumbing. An outdoor shower and toilet were added with wooden doors for privacy. It really wasn’t much. In Jay’s mind it was more than he needed.

Through all the awkwardness of Jay’s transition back to the real world the family bonded. He always belonged to Will, but now he became all of theirs, and they were wholeheartedly his.

He felt genuinely at peace seeing Will happy and settled with Natalie.  Jay appreciated her ability to keep his idiot big brother in line with grace and humor.

He fell madly in love with his nephews. Occasionally saddened by how much he missed on the one hand, and on the other their exuberance gave him something to look forward to. They helped him perceive hope again and look towards the future.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will, Jace, Owen and Jay went on a tough 6 mile hike. On their way home they were on a mission to pick up some ice cream for dessert. 

Jay had just bought a new truck and it was fun to go offroading and discover new trails.

He had opened a bank account in Jace’s and Owen’s names after Will and Natalie refused his offers to pay rent or pay for food. They felt his help tending to the boys and doing work around the house was more than enough. Truth was they didn’t need the money and wanted Jay to plan for his future. Jay wasn’t able to wrap his mind around what a future was for him, so most of his pension went to his nephews for college or for funds to start their lives when they were older. He kept a small percentage for himself and used that and savings to purchase a car to help transport the boys to and from their various activities while Will and Natalie worked. His newfound transportation independence opened a whole new world.

The Pacific Northwest was like a box of jewels regarding trails and natural wonders to discover. In the safety and anonymity of the overgrown wild Jay continued to march back to life.

At a convenience store on the way home all four boys juggled several pints of ice cream and toppings. Owen was talking their ears off about the rare frog they came across in one of the streams along the hike, when Jay noticed something odd about the guy nearing the check out desk.

Before Will knew it Jay was flying through the air tackling a shopper. The man’s gun clattered to the ground as his head clipped the counter on the way down.

“Call 911,” Jay yelled at the desk clerk as he noticed two other offenders out of the corner of his eye. “Stay back with the boys!” he ordered to his charging brother.

With reflexes befitting a cat, not a man, Jay barreled towards the two other offenders yelling, “drop your weapons!!!” as he collided his fist with one of their faces. The other man came to defend his partner, somehow Jay sensed his incoming energy and took him out with a backside kick.

Will held Jace and Owen behind his back as they peered around their father to watch their uncle in action.

By the time the police came a few minutes later, Jay had all three offenders on their stomachs, zip tied with ties from behind the counter.

Thirty minutes later when the police were reviewing the video of events, they commented, “damn man how did you know he had a gun?”

Jay shrugged, “I could just tell by his body language and the way he was looking around. When his hand went toward his pocket, I just knew.” He said, like it was no big deal.

“Dude this crew has been terrorizing the city with dozens of armed robberies. Thank you,” the officer said.

Jay declined to be photographed or interviewed. That only made his legend grow in the press.

They labeled him the caped crusader that helped clean up crime in the city.

Jay didn’t understand the fuss. His nephews on the other hand, ate it all up.

—----------------------------------------------------------------------

The natural high Jay felt from apprehending the offenders, unlocked a closed part of himself. He felt it when he helped Marty, but there was so much other angst involved in the aftermath he chalked it up to adrenaline.

He was utterly devoted to the boys and found purpose in fully supporting his brother and sister in law and their demanding careers. Whether it be landscaping,cleaning,handy manning, carpooling, watching the kids, or anything else to ease their burden, he was there.

He would drop the boys off at school and then go to the shooting range. Holding a gun in his hand for the first time affected him more than he could have imagined.

Jay would never be the same after what he experienced but old pieces of him began to return. He was like a broken plate being glued back together. 

With the cold metal pressed against his skin, he remembered reading about the Japanese art of kintsugi.

With kintsugi the broken is revered, seen as part of history and beauty. Broken pottery is repaired with gold, silver, or platinum dust, making the cracks the most special part of the piece. Instead of hiding the brokenness, it is highlighted and celebrated. The artform invites the viewer to celebrate the flaws of life.

Earning his shooting license again was another step for Jay in repairing his trauma. He still had it. The owner of the shooting range asked if he was interested in teaching clients privately. 

He began teaching and taking higher level certification classes while the boys were at school. Before long he held every firearm accreditation possible for a civilian.

Maybe he wasn’t at the point of seeing his pain as art, but he was able to see that a new chapter was possible.

—------------------------------------------

As he regained his physical stature and confidence he felt ready to challenge himself a little by reaching out to old friends.

The texting started slowly. They kept it light. Mouse and his Chicago family could tell he was slowly coming out of his protective shell. 

They got to the point of offering to come visit. While Jay didn’t throw out a specific date or anything like that, his positive response felt like a step in the right direction.

He was coming back to them. He was coming back to himself.

Jay’s relationship with Hailey blossomed in a unconventional way. 

The last time they spoke or connected was that day in the warden’s office. For two people with the ability to read one another instantly, their wires crossed incorrectly that day.

When Hailey looked in Jay’s eyes she saw a pain she could not heal, a pain she had a profound role in creating. All that Jay endured was to protect her. She understood why he did it, she just couldn’t carry the insufferable weight of guilt attached.

When Jay’s eyes locked with Hailey, the suffering she endured by his actions was scrawled across her face like a permanent tattoo. He understood that his presence in her life was holding her back from growing and thriving. 

They weren’t completely off their instincts that day. 

They both no longer were in denial about how much they loved one another. 

It was evident from the first time Hailey visited Jay in prison. They both saw it instantaneously, just too scared to acknowledge its power. It was evident when she saw him through the bars in his cell the day after he was raped. It was evident at the courthouse steps when he told her they were good, and always would be. It was evident on the tarmac when only a few seconds of touch managed to light up the whole sky. Erin saw it. The guards and nurses saw it. Jay and Hailey felt it so intensely their bones ached from its raw power.

If love was enough they would have been in each other’s arms the moment Jay was freed.

Hailey would know Jay’s nephews and revel in the joy of her man’s bond with small children. If love was enough Jay would be holding her at night, easing away the stresses of the day, marveling at how strong and badass his wife was leading a task force.

Gosh, if love was enough it would be #Upsteadforever wouldnt it?

I think we all know that in this complex world that love is not always enough. 

Jay’s yearning for Hailey was different now. Too much damage had been done. It wouldn’t be healthy for her to try to forgive him. 

Instead he believed this was the right thing to do.

Jay reserved the nights for her. She came to him often in his dreams. In those moments he felt seen and loved completely.

Alone in his thoughts the purity of his love for her could dance like  a vision without anyone else looking. He’d think of her at night watching the moon shine over the sound. He’d smile. In many ways it wasn’t painful anymore. He’d always have her in his heart, she was finally free to move on. 

His love for her would sustain him for the rest of his days.

—--------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will was out on the row boat with Jace when a neighbor waved from the shore.

“Will, I have been meaning to ask, where did you get your boat? It’s gorgeous. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

WIthout skipping a beat Jace yelled out, “Me uncle Jay make it.”

And just like that Jay began taking orders for high quality wooden cutters, ketches, and sloops (names for boats typically made from wood). His work was masterful. He’d engrave initials and personal messages. 

Before long he was making all sorts of things like custom rocking horses, cedar hope chests, cutting boards, coasters… you name it he was making it.

Jay had been out and about a little more, especially taking the kids to and from school or their activities. The local moms took notice of the green eyed, mysterious, shy, hunk that was new on the scene.

Will was convinced that half of Jay’s business was women wanting a chance to flirt with him. 

Whatever the reason Halstead Woodcraft Inc came to be.

Natalie tried to urge Jay to go on a date or two just to see that it was no big deal. He always graciously smiled and said, “thanks, Nat, I’m good.”

During dinner one night Owen was talking about the unit in physics they were learning about – conducting energy. He was stewing over what to make for his final project that counted for a big chunk of his grade. 

Listening to Owen’s rambling, Jay was sitting with Jace trying to teach him to read the clock on the wall, a little challenging for a 4 year old.

Hey Uncle Jay do you think you could help me build a clock for my final project?

—--------------------------------------------------

Jay was leafing through a book of clock designs. He found himself drawn to the few grandfather clocks at the end. 

It had been a full year out of Canyon RIdge. Will wanted to do a little BBQ to commemorate. Jay wasn’t so sure. He was grateful for a distracting project.

Jay selected two prototypes to work on. One for Owen’s project and the other for another purpose.

Owen would join him by his shack where he had built a makeshift woodworking tent with a heavy tarp overhead to protect the machinery and wood from the rain.

They’d play music- Jay was willing to listen to Owen’s hip hop, and in return Owen would listen to Jay’s Rolling Stones albums. His goal was to get his nephew through the Stones’ entire body of work.

“Uncle Jay?” he asked one night while Jay was deep in thought trying to figure out why two pieces of the clock were not laying flush.

“Can I ask you something?”

Jay looked up from his frustrating exercise, “of course buddy. What’s up?”

“Why did you go to prison?” he said, looking straight at Jay. “Dad told us you were exonerated and it was a mistake, but what happened? I mean how does a mistake like that happen?”

Jay put down the measuring tape and level, and waved Owen to come to the adirondack chairs that overlooked the water.

It wasn’t lost on Jay that, You can’t always get what you want , was the Rolling Stones’ song playing.

“It's complicated. All I can say is that I hope you find something or someone meaningful enough in your life that it is worth sacrificing everything.”

Owen sat trying to hide his confusion. He wanted to understand so desperately.

“It only works if that person or that passion is willing to do the same for you. It cannot be one-sided. That’s what life is all about,” Jay added.

“So if you went to jail for someone you loved, where are they now?” Owen asked, trying to make sense of what Jay was saying. 

They had grown close in the year of Halstead-Manning family living. The fact he was coming to Jay with this was a testament to their bond and trust. Jay understood that.

Jay thought about saying it was for the whole team, not just one person, which was true. Looking at Owen, the sweet kid that accepted him in all his awkward just out of prison slurred silence, Jay felt he had to be as honest as he could be.

“There is a saying, if you love something, set it free,” Jay said.

“It doesn’t mean you don’t love them anymore and it doesn’t mean you wont cherish them forever. It just means sometimes what is best for someone is to be let go so they can go after the life they deserve.”

“So it’s better to be apart then to fight for the life you both deserve together?” Owen asked. Damn this kid was too smart for his own good. 

Jay smirked at his nephew. 

“When it comes to love it is a feeling. Your gut leads the way. I loved her so much that I couldn't watch her suffer. My decision to go to prison hurt her. I wanted her to have the freedom to pursue a life free of all that baggage.”

Owen sat with his uncle’s words for a few minutes. The sky was lit up with stars and the ambient glow of a crescent moon.

Kids aren’t stupid. They just don't have the same world experience to draw from that adults do. They also aren't as jaded.

He loved Jay a lot.

People would make comments about how it was odd he lived in a tool shed in their backyard. Rumors swirled that he went away for murder. He didn’t seem interested in all the nice ladies in town that liked him… a whole lot.

It didn't add up until now. 

He knew how special his uncle was, he looked up to him in so many ways. It wasn't that there was something wrong with him, there was just someone else within him. Without ever meeting Hailey it all made sense.

“You really believe that?” Owen asked, as they both looked out into the dark sky.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay had clocked 67 hours spent on his clocks project. 

He always put time, focus, and effort into every project commissioned by clients.

Something about this one was different. One clock was for Owen and the big grandfather clock was for Will and Natalie. Meant to be a small token for all that they have done for him.

Jay poured it all out for this one. The design was complex and the mechanics of the grandfather clock were difficult to execute. 

One night, well past midnight, he was trying to buff out an imperfection that wouldn’t budge. He kept trying, rubbing, buffing, sanding, shining… repeating the steps. There is a finesse to buffing – too hard can do damage, too soft won’t fix the issue.

He forgot that with wood and in life sometimes everything can’t be fixed. Some imperfections always remain and become part of the tapestry.

Without noticing Jay was pushing way too hard. Owen had finished his clock already and the ticking was growing ever louder.

The intensity of his movements and the dampness in the air brought him back to a place he didn't want to go. 

The harder he buffed the more vivid the memories became. The back and forth of his movements mimicked in his mind the thrusting he felt inside during his brutal attacks in prison.

Jay hadn’t spoken with any mental health professionals since his return. They had tried to stick him with one in prison. Let’s just say therapy doesn’t work if the patient sits in silence.

It wasn’t that Jay didn’t believe in therapy, quite the contrary, it had worked for him before with Hailey’s encouragement. It was that he felt his trauma was too deep for words. Consciously or not he decided to hash it out gladiator style. Physicality was his therapeutic vehicle.

Jay felt panic creeping in. That same panic. The kind that made him feel weak and defenseless. The kind that a former Ranger and elite detective was not accustomed to feeling. He kept buffing harder and harder until the sandpaper cut through his hands leaving a bloody trail.

The bloody mess snapped him out of his memory hole. He stood back heaving deep breaths, taking stock of the blood bath he left behind.

He went into his shack to wash his hands. In his bloody haste, he got dizzy, fell to his knees, and sat on the floor. He held his bloody hands to his face and sobbed.

Owen’s conversation brought a lot to the surface for Jay. He had been resolute in his decision to leave his past behind, so that its pain could not hurt anyone else. How could one little chat with his nephew make him question so much?

Jay let it flow, the tears streamed in healthy robust torrents. As painful as it was, he needed this release.

He was so deep in thought and cathartic sobbing, Jay did not notice that Cozy was out barking. Will often let him out to pee in the middle of the night. Big brother instincts as they are, Will noticed Jay’s light on and followed Cozy down the hill.

He poked his head in just to say hi and to see what his brother was working on. They didn’t get much time alone, so it seemed like a chance to take a pulse on his one year celebration idea. He wanted to invite Jay’s Chicago family, but wouldn't do it without his little brother’s blessing.

Cozy ran into the shed ahead of Will. The space was so tiny- aside from his bed and sink there really wasn't room for a huge sheepdog and two grown men.

Shocked by the bloody scene, Will called Cozy back and got down on the floor with Jay. He squeezed himself into the miniscule confines between Jay and the wall.

The doctor in him wanted to figure out what the source of his injury was, but the brother in him instinctively saw that there was a greater healing necessary.

Now fully behind Jay, he wrapped his brother in his arms and rocked him back and forth. The loving, soft movements were a beautiful juxtaposition to the painful thrusts Jay had just re-lived.

This was what healing looked like. Transformation isn't this big wow moment. It is small changes of the wind gusts, gentle baby steps forward. It is your big brother silently reminding you how far you have come.

They sat like that for a long while until Jay cried himself to sleep. 

With the sunrise came Cozy licking Jay’s bloodied face.

Somehow the Halstead brothers had fallen asleep with Will holding Jay cocooned in the fetal position.

“Ahhhh,” Will groaned trying to stretch out his aching back to no avail. He was pinned between the tight wooden corner and his little brother’s muscular body on top of him.

“Cozy, down!” Will commanded, trying to get the giant ball of fur out of the shed. If he had any hopes of ever getting up, having an inch to maneuver would help.

“Go find Owen and Jace!” he said as the furry guy ran out and up the hill.

Jay sat up, realizing he was essentially on his brother’s lap.

The two wiggled their way out of the tight space. Jay offered his hand to help lift Will up.

“Aaaagghhh, that spot was not meant for the body of a grown man,” he said, wincing as Jay pulled him up.

The sight before him wasn't pretty. Jay had blood smeared across his face, in his hair, on his hands, and all over his clothes.

“Sit!” Will commanded, only then realizing how much blood got on him too. He shot off a quick text to Natalie. “Everything is fine, looks worse than it is. Can you bring down the first aid kit, clean hand towels, and soapy bowl of water? Oh and keep the boys away from the shed for a bit.”

Will waited outside the shed to gather the supplies from Natalie. When she arrived, seeing him covered in blood, Will lifted his fingers to his lips, “shhhh, it's ok,” he whispered.

Jay let Will clean off his face and bandage his palms. “Maybe lay off the sanding for a few days?” Will suggested.

Jay smiled. He really wanted to finish the clock by the weekend. But given he just bloodied a side of it, probably not in the cards.

“At least some heavy duty gloves?” Will said with a smirk. Jay nodded in sweet affirmation.

“Thank you,” he said looking at his brother with a sincerity that threw Will for a loop.

“Please, I am an ER doc, this is nothing.”

“I mean thank you for everything…”

“For fighting for me. For taking him in. For welcoming me into your family. For quietly taking care of me. For giving me the space that I need. For granting me carte blanche time with your boys. For always gently reminding me who I am. Who we are. Thank you for all of it, Will.”

Will was exhausted, well that is the excuse he gave for why the tears flowed so fast and furiously.

“I am unbelievably proud of you brother. Some things must be carried. To watch you do it…”

“Oh man you can't blubber too. I did enough of that for the both of us,” Jay smiled.

He looked out the door to the near finished clock on his work bench. All this while he thought of time as something he lost. It was something that stood still ever since he boarded that plane from Bolivia to prison.

Only then did he realize that finishing that clock represented a significant moment, one where time started to count in hopeful ways again.

—-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Will sneakily used the vulnerable moment he shared with Jay to convince him to do a little celebration and invite his Chicago people. “They are busy, I am sure only a few will be able to come,” Will said, trying to ease Jay’s discomfort about the whole thing.

To a surprise to no one, Hank got permission for intelligence to be offline for a weekend, Adam, and even Makayla made the trip. Kevin brought his wife, Lydia. They all came.

It had been a year since they saw Jay at Canyon Ridge. As the year went on he connected more, seemed lighter. But seeing him in person was a whole other ballgame.

He looked good. Like really good. Jay had always been handsome. Now his natural good looks were sun kissed, rugged, soft like never before.

They spent Saturday out on row boats, taking in Seattle from Puget’s Sound. Will, Natalie, Jay, and the boys took them to all the sights: watching Hank throw a fish at Fulton Fish Market was a highlight.

Jay noticed Hank was missing a step or two.

Hank had tried to have a private conversation with him a few times that weekend. Jay could sense Hank’s desperate need to apologize again for all that had transpired. But for Jay seeing Hank grow frail only served as a poignant reminder for why he did this in the first place.

It occurred to him how the passage of time affected everyone else too. Time seemed to stand still for him for so long. But not for the rest of the world. 

Hank’s slow decline over the years was a pretty stark display of the passage of time.

On the other end of the spectrum, Makayla was a nearly 20 old beautiful woman. It was humorous to see his jaw drop to the floor when he first laid eyes on her after over 8 years.

Dante had matured in such obvious ways. He was an old soul, like Jay, which was one of the reasons they connected. Seeing him so much more confident in his body and with who he was really warmed Jay’s heart. With time, Dante had been accepted and that feeling of belonging was evident.

Kim and Adam were no longer partners at work, but they were partners in life in every sense of the word. Time was good to them. It took a long while for them to figure it out but with time they really did get their acts together.

Trudy was retiring at the end of the year. Time marched forward and brought her to a new stage of life.

Time allowed Kevin to find balance with his values and being a cop thus opening up space for love with Lydia to flourish.

Time could hurt, but time could also allow for transformation.

Jay tried to take stock of himself. Now a free man he had the luxury to ask am I better man or worse? 

—---------------------------------------------

Jay was working the BBQ on Sunday afternoon, watching the happily married Burzek’s  laugh together.

He didn't notice Trudy walking over. 

“As much as I’d love to go traipsing through your noggin right now, you can also just spit it out.” she said as she grabbed a hot dog off the grill.

Jay flashed her a soft smile. It melted Trudy’s heart. Her boy found some peace. It meant the world to her.

She chomped down on her lunch watching him fiddle with the burgers and salmon.

“You want to ask about Hailey don’t you?” she finally said. It was risky. No one uttered her name the whole weekend, unsure how tender of a subject it was for Jay. She reveled in causing some casual discomfort.

Trudy knew. She saw how he watched Will and Natalie, Kim and Adam, Kevin and Lydia. She heard from Natalie how she has to beat interested women away with a stick because Jay is not interested.

Her boy was yearning, despite the story he told himself. He was yearning and Trudy saw it as clear as day.

“Chuckles, you with me?”

He looked around making sure no one else could hear.

“How is she?’ Jay asked quietly.

“Promoted again. Working hard. Beautiful as ever,” she said smugly, popping a cherry in her mouth. “Single,” she added.

Right on cue, Jace came running towards them with a popsicle half melted across his face. 

“Whoah, buddy,” Jay said, grabbing him before he got too close to the hot grill.

“Saved by the bell, Halstead,” Trudy said as she grabbed another cherry and looked him right in the eyes.

As Trudy walked away, Hank came over with an intense long stare. 

Jay began to roll his eyes, “Hank, please you don’t need to apologize, really. I’d do it all over again if I…”

“Halstead, would you shut up?” he asked in his well known bossy frustration.

They both stood there looking at one another.  “Thank you,” was all Hank could get out, lip quivering.

Jay stood and looked at his former boss. For better or worse he was the closest thing he has had to a father figure for as long as he could remember. The man was deeply flawed, so much so that Jay had to flee to another continent to escape Hank’s shadow. But there was such a deep mutual respect and admiration between the two men, Jay loved him dearly and he loved his kid.

Jay nodded in affirmation for receiving the message. 

If Hank went to prison he’d be long dead by now. Jay saved him, allowed him to keep serving his beloved Chicago, gave him the gift of time to repent and right some wrongs. 

Jay understood that. It's why he did what he did. He loved him. Jay’s act was a role reversal, a son protecting the father.  Hank’s life well lived and emotional thank you were exactly what he hoped for in return. Nothing more.

Hank saw the emotion swimming in Jay’s mind. Despite 8 plus years gone by, he knew his kid. It was time to defuse the non-verbal love fest.

“You just going to stand there or can I get a burger?” he asked with a wry smile

—--------------------------------------------------------

Later in the afternoon everyone was sitting around the huge table on the house’s deck chomping down on watermelon and strawberry shortcake.

Owen came up holding the clock he and Jay made. He got an A on his project and proudly passed it around.

“What about the other one?” Owen asked, looking at Jay.

“Oh, ah, not sure it's totally finished,” Jay said, unsure if he was ready to share it with the world.

“You guys have to see it. It's amazing. Something like it would cost thousands in a store,” Owen said.

Before Jay knew it Owen got Kevin, Dante, and Adam carrying the tremendous grandfather clock he made for Will and Natalie up the hill.

In the end he elected to keep the blood stained piece intact. Once he stained it with wood varnish it mostly blended, only leaving behind a darker, richer hue. The extra graining looked beautiful, like a special aged oak. Just like he read about the Japanese art, Kintsugi, the brokenness is where the unique beauty lies.

Everyone was admiring the exquisite work of art.

“YOU made this?” Adam said as he playfully elbowed Jay. 

“Dude, how?” Kevin asked, taking in all the details.

Jace came back from behind. He was precocious and noticed some letters on the back. He couldn't really read yet but he did recognize some sight words.

“Love!” he said, pointing to the letters.

Everyone gathered behind the clock and read the inscription enraged.

To Natalie, Will, Owen, Jace,

“Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble, and there is always time.”

Thank you for teaching me.

Jay

Jay wished he could run into the safety of his wooden shed and hide. While the words were simple, found in one of the dozens of philosophy books he read in prison, the weight they carried was deeper than he was prepared to share in the spotlight.

The truth was he felt that way about all of them. He loved them all so much he was willing to sacrifice the most precious, priceless commodity of them all… years of time.

They all loved him so much there was no hurdle too big for each one of them to do whatever they could to show up and love him. They fought for his freedom, they showed up in little and big ways to remind him he wasn’t alone, they gave him the oxygen he needed to return to himself.

They taught him so much.

So that night when everyone was at the airport they each got the same text:

“Where there is love, nothing is too much trouble, and there is always time.”

Thank you for never giving up on me. I’ll always show up for you.

Jay

—-------------------------------

It was a misty morning in Seattle. The fog was still thick as Jay did his morning planks, push ups, squats routine. He was now at ten sets of 100 each. All the physical labor didn’t hurt either. He was in the best shape of his life. His t-shirts fit more snugly with his absolutely ripped and toned muscles protruding.

As the fog lifted he saw Natalie standing next to a man at the top of the hill pointing towards his shack.

The man began walking down the hill taking his time maneuvering the steep terrain. As he finally approached Jay, he extended his hand for a shake.

“Good morning, Sergeant Halstead. I am Director Paul Weiss, FBI.”

Jay’s hands were dirty from the planting he had done that morning. Natalie mentioned she loved tulips, so he wanted to get the bulbs in before a frost. His face had some dirt on it as well to add to his effortlessly rugged look.

He wiped his hand on his white t-shirt, and shook Director Weiss’s hand. “Good morning, sorry I was doing a little gardening this morning.”

“This is a pretty magnificent view,” Paul said as a few seagulls flew by landing by the shore. Paul noticed Jay’s modest living quarters but didn’t reveal any judgment outwardly.

“Yeah, it’s not too bad,” Jay replied, curious as to why this man was standing before him at 730 AM in the morning.

“Do you normally make house calls to a lowly woodworker before breakfast?” Jay asked. His confidence was back.

“Is that what the kids are calling a highly decorated Army Ranger and Police Sergeant these days?”

Jay’s quiet cockiness diminished and he averted his eyes.

“How can I help you, Director Weiss?” Jay said, now wiping his brow with a rag to get the last muddy remains off.

“What I am about to say is highly confidential. If ever asked as to whether this conversation happened, the answer for both of us is no.”

Jay nodded his head in affirmation.

“There are several wrongfully jailed Americans in international prisons around the globe. The State Department is sick of trading key assets in exchange for their release. They’ve asked us to be more… creative,” he smirked.

“I am putting together an elite specialized task force composed of special agents from the FBI, DEA, and former military to get them out. It’ll be an international fly team. First contract is a year. Then we will assess its efficacy.”

Jay looked up in shock. He could not be serious. Was this some kind of joke? 

“You come highly recommended. Your reputation as a top notch marksman and natural leader precedes you.”

“You must have read my file. There is no way I am fit or qualified for… to be a spy?” he said, building confidence in his case for saying no. “ And I am damag…”

Weiss cut him off. 

“You know I read every word in your file. Why do you think I am here? You survived many prison environments. You understand the mentality of prisoners and guards alike. I know what happened to you in there son. We have to get our people out before it happens to them too.”

Jay averted his eyes trying to compartmentalize the memories Weiss conjured.

“Who is better suited to do what it takes than someone as trained, gifted, and experienced as you? Plus we haven’t found our sniper, yet. You’d have to pass physical and psych evals, but something tells me you are stronger than you think.”

“I am flattered really, but…” Jay tried to plead his case again.

“Director and special agent Erin Lindsay recommended you. She is pretty stingy with referrals. A recommendation from her is as good as gold. She told me that if I didn’t fly out here and convince you, then I wasn’t worthy of the shield. Don’t make me come back with my tail between my legs,” he smiled.

Jay looked up at the top of the hill at Jace and Owen having a catch before school. He was too far away to hear what they were saying, but he knew his boys, they were joyously ribbing one another like only brothers can.

Will was yelling, likely telling them to get inside and get their bags. 

Jay smiled. 

If the sad tragedy of a broken-winged bird that cannot fly is akin to a life without dreams,  Jay could accept that as his fate. The cost of protecting what he loved most.

Dreams for himself were let go in prison, only to be affirmed once again when he let go of his last lingering dream of being with Hailey. He was content enough watching his brother, sister-in-law, and nephews pursue and live their dreams. He was lucky beyond measure they warmly welcomed him for the ride.

“Look, Director, I appreciate you coming out, really, I do but I am happy. No need to rock the boat, when I am perfectly happy building them here.”

Weiss smiled in disappointment.

“Well that’s too bad,” he said, extending his hand for a shake. “I wish you well. This is a special place. I see why it enchants you.” 

As Director Weiss began his ascent back to the house, he turned around.

“Sergeant, one last thing. I’ve already recruited 3 agents. Two said yes, the supervisory role recruit is still on the fence. I think some incentive is needed. When I handed them your file to give a sense of the caliber of recruits, they told me something you may find useful.”

“What is that?” Jay said with a little laugh. This guy could not take a hint. Jay wasn’t leaving.

“Oh I hope I don't butcher it… something like…”

 “Where you go, I go.”

—-----------------------------------------------------------

Chapter Text

When Hailey left Canyon Ridge the day she convinced Jay to negotiate a deal with the FBI, she broke down sitting in her car rental.

You know those painful sobs that physically hurt?

It took her the better part of an hour to compose herself. The vision of Jay’s piercing eyes on the tarmac the day of his transfer from Maryland to Washington State sat beside her.

Finally the complicated grief was untangled.

He loved her. Well more than that. They were one. She didn’t need to say out loud the complex mess of feelings within her, because he effortlessly read her like an open book.

That special language between them…

They’d always share that but now it was time to truly accept they would be on different paths.

Knowing he was finally getting out of prison, allowed Hailey to achingly let go of that piece of him that held her heart in a vice.

My god the way he looked at her in the warden’s office. She no longer asked why such a cruel fate of hand was dished out to him. Now she was able to breathe a sigh of relief that he was being granted a chance to rebuild what was desecrated.

Hailey knew now that she would always love him. Thinking that would change was futile.

Loving someone else on that level would never happen again. That’s ok- how lucky was she to experience true, deep love? His love was more than just a special time in her life. Jay unlocked her heart and showed she was worthy of good things. Hailey finally could see that as a beautiful gift, despite all the heartache that changed the trajectory of her life.

While Jay had his own journey of rebuilding his life ahead, Hailey was now also free to discover what came next.

It wasn’t that she was moving on, he would always be tangled in her soul. This was Hailey moving on with Jay as her cheerleader from within her heart, instead of by her side.

For so long it was I know I need to move on BUT.

But he hurt me. But I am angry at him. But what he did pushed me into the worst depression. But I love him. But I want him more than I have ever wanted anything in this life.

Now, she would replace the BUT with AND.

I need to move on AND he hurt me. I need to move on AND his sacrifices nearly killed me. I need to move on AND he sacrificed his soul for me. I need to move on AND no one will ever love me like he did. I need to move AND I will carry an eternal flame for him.

The subtle difference in moving from BUT to AND was a monumental shift in her psyche. She was able to make space for both feelings. And by doing that she finally had enough oxygen to allow for all her thoughts and feelings to exist truthfully.

When the tears finally stopped. She entered the airport into the GPS and took her first steps forward with him securely in her heart, and her mind freely looking towards an independent future.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Not surprisingly she leaned into her work.

Hailey’s team got a glimpse of what Jay meant to Hailey.

Kind of in awe that he gave up his life to protect her. In achy admiration of her having to navigate it all. In relief when Jay was finally released. In joy when they saw his emancipation release her from the crushing weight of guilt.

They were all kicking ass at work. Jay’s Veneno tip via their team broke open one of the biggest wins for the DEA/FBI joint task force in recent history.

They were getting bigger and more complex cases. Fritz was up for a sizable promotion. Their bond ticked up a few notches.

Hailey ran in two marathons that first year. Running had become her outlet a long time ago. Instead of pushing through pain now, she was pushing towards a more hopeful finish line.

It’s not that she didn’t think of Jay anymore. She did. Often. Now her thoughts of him were positive. He was free. Finally free. She hadn’t realized that for as long as he was MIA and in prison, so was she.

Hailey wasn’t a dummy. She knew Jay had a lifetime of trauma to unpack. Let’s be honest, does anyone ever fully heal from what he endured? But he could at least begin that journey, no longer stuck in permanent hell.

She’d be lying if she didn’t have daydreams of them reuniting. Those would come with a wistful ache she learned to simply accept.

Hailey went on a few dates after Kat and Kim each set her up. They didn’t go past the first meeting, but it was a way to dip her toe into accepting Jay was in the past.

Nothing serious. In many ways she felt whole and wasn’t searching for someone else to fill any void.

For, it was now and forever would be Hailey and Jay. Physically apart, but spiritually connected.

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The therapeutic writing she began while Jay was in prison stuck.

Instead of anger filled diatribes, Hailey wrote him love letters. For so long her anger stemmed from having nowhere for her love to go. It felt like grief.  Now her love served a purpose. It set him free to heal, build a new life. That allowed its pureness to breathe and flourish.

She didn’t write all the time. Maybe once or twice a month. Those pages allowed her love to land and be held by something. That in and of itself was healing.

Within the lines of the paper the full measure of her heart could reveal itself with no one watching. He would always mean the world to her, and she needed to honor that despite building a new world next to the one she left behind.

It was like dancing unapologetically without any audience.

It was letting go while not throwing the baby out with the bathwater. It was Hailey healthy, joyful, and free.

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The Marine Corps marathon is held in Washington DC and Arlington VA every year.

It is one of the largest marathons in the country. One which many military active and retired participate celebrating the pride, rigor, and organization of the United States armed forces.

Given that the marathon literally ran by her front door, Hailey convinced Kat to train and run the marathon as a duo.

Hailey was considerably faster than Kat. So Kat told her to run ahead. “You can give me chest compressions at the finish line,” she joked as her boss waved and kept to her 4.5-minute mile speed.

It was a little rainy that day. Nothing too crazy. If anything it helped cool off the overheated runners.

Hailey ran by groups of Navy, Marines, Army, Air Force, Coast Guard… each proudly displaying their branch, unit, regiment.

She was nearing the 24^th mile when she came across a group of men grunting a familiar call and repeat song.

“Rangers,” the leader of the pack would call out and the rest of the group would answer, “lead the way!!”

Many of them were running in tan berets, the tell-tale sign this was not just any army regiment. It was the elite airborne Army Rangers, 75^th regiment.

Hailey found herself totally zeroed in on them, keeping up with their considerably faster pace.

Jay hadn’t worn his uniform often. She had seen him in it twice, once for a friend’s funeral and the second when he was called in for a meeting with a Major. He never did talk in detail about what was discussed. Only that they tried to recruit him to reenlist, and he declined.

These guys were all in good shape spanning a few different decades. There was one man in particular that had a familiar build and short haircut. Jay had almost a bowlegged way of running. It was very specific. This Ranger seemed to have that unique gait as well.

It couldn’t be him, right? This was ridiculous.

All she knew was when Jay left Canyon Ridge Will brought him to reacclimate in Seattle. Beyond that, she really had no clue what became of him in the past 10 months.

Going against her rational judgment Hailey picked up pace even faster. Now nearly hitting a 4 minute/mile pace in her last mile. It was a flat, straight away. The Rangers also were flying at this point. They were trained to finish strong, not matter how much it hurt.

Sure these guys were in amazing shape, but when it came to mind over matter, Hailey could compete with anyone.

She matched then stride by stride. Hypnotized by the constant, steady call and repeat. “Rangers, lead the way!”

By the time they all crossed the finish line, Hailey saw the man she had zeroed in on bend over to catch his breath.

As she did he same, she finally got a glimpse of his face. A cutie in uniform for sure, but he was no Jay Halstead.

It took a few minutes for Fritz, Miles, and their wives to find her.

Many of the other runners were embracing with loved ones. Not the Jay look-a-like. Something in his eyes and demeanor sent her a shiver of sadness. Was Jay alone like him too?

She shook the feeling off as she had learned to do so well in the past year. Wherever he was his soul had the freedom to find where it was supposed to rest.

She posed for a few group selfies with her medal and joined her friends for a carb filled dinner.

As the group enjoyed a hearty meal filled with pasta, wine, and all the bread they could shovel into their mouths, Kat raised her glass.

“To Hailey: A boss in the field, and on the track!”

They all clinked glasses and downed their drinks.  Hailey took a look around and let out one of her mega-watt smiles.

Oof it had been a tough ride for her for a while, but she was in a good place.

She had built this top-rated team that facilitated meaningful and loving relationships in her life. She even began to feel somewhat worthy of the praise they were getting as it was hard earned. Sure Jay blew open their career making case, but her team had found him. They did the nitty gritty work and found the one person that could help them for altruistic reasons.

She had come so far.

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Hailey read the text on her phone over and over again.

“I know I have no business asking you for anything, but would you be willing to meet for coffee?”

The sender was Walker North.

Hailey’s initial reaction was to just ignore the inquiry.

That night she texted Kim.

“Yeah, apparently he also tried reaching out to Voight to get contact information for Jay, but he told North to essentially go F**k himself.”

Hailey couldn’t help but laugh at the vision of Hank reacting to that bastard thinking he would ever be granted access to Jay after torturing him for the better part of 8.5 years.

Maybe her curiosity got the best of her. Or maybe Hailey was in a place of strength and confidence. Either way she found herself sitting in a coffee shop waiting.

The bell chimed on the door. She looked up to see a diminished version of Walker North. He didn’t carry the same confidence, stature, or intensity.

He came and sat down, timidly taking his hat off and placing it on his lap.

“Thank you for meeting me,” he said with a nervous and soft smile.

“You’ve got ten minutes,” Hailey said with a cold quickness.

“Can I get you something to drink?” He asked trying to make this is as normal as possible.

“I’m fine, thanks. Why am I here?” Hailey asked.

“You have every reason to hate me,” he started. “I have no right to ask you anything, but I am out of options.”

Hailey just glared at him. Seeing him was stirring anger in her stomach. This weasel nearly destroyed her life. For all she knew he very well destroyed Jay’s.

“I need a job reference,” he said eyes going from her face to his feet.

“What?” she asked with a half laugh, half disbelief.

“Part of the deal Jay signed guaranteed immunity from the crimes I committed against him. While that part of the deal was held up, as expected I got kicked out of the FBI, lost my shield, lost the reference to the only placed I ever worked.”

“And you want ME to give you a reference? Is this some kind of joke?”

“Unless you are willing to put me in touch with Jay?” he asked with a nervous hope.

Hailey stood up abruptly.

“Are you insane? Or just dumb?” She said in fury.

“Do you have any idea what you did to him? The physical, emotional, crushing torment you put Jay through? You must have read his medical reports? The rapes. The solitary confinement. The attacks?????” Hailey was seething. She was trying to compose herself but failing miserably.

“The dirty tricks you played to keep him away from me and everyone who loved him with your bullshit no contact order placed in his file. Do you know what that did to me?????” she said speaking in the loudest, angriest whisper possible.

“I know,” he said now making clear eye contact. “Owning up to that was the best decision I ever made. It goes without saying that I could never make it up to him, or to you.”

His conviction was clear, “I don’t deserve anything from you, but I am asking if you would be a reference for a job as a desk clerk at a small precinct in Maryland. Coming from Jay or you would go a long way in showing I have reformed. I have no other job prospects with essentially zero usable resume.”

Hailey grabbed her jacket ready to leave. He was out of his mind if he thought she would do anything for him, let alone give a glowing account of his professional behavior.

“To anyone else hearing me ask this it would sound criminally insane. But I think you know deep inside that Jay would do it,” North said softly. But the honesty in his words was piercing.

“You and I and maybe a few other people know what he is really made of. He’d do this because despite all that has happened, he wants something good to come out of this horrible mess. Jay always wants to do the right thing,” North added perhaps even more softly than before.

She huffed and turned to leave. She couldn’t take a second more of his lecturing on Jay. Her Jay.

Understanding he was defeated, North quickly got out the words he wanted to say. “Hailey, I  hope you haven’t given up on him,” he said as her face was already pointed at the door.

She spun around in exasperation, “what?” How dare this mother fucker make any comments about her relationship with the man he brutalized over and over again.

“I’ve worked a thousand cases. I’ve dealt with every walk of life. I’ve never… the flame he carries for you…. It’s not just what he did for you, Hailey… it’s not just what he did for me ….” North was stuttering, visibly emotional.

“What he is… what you two share...well… don’t let the wrong story continue to unfold.”

Hailey was about to give him a mouthful. Let more of her bile spill out onto him. Something stopped the words from falling from her mouth.

She just turned around and walked out.

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Her face to face with North got under her skin. It had been nearly a year since she saw Jay. Nearly a year since she came to terms they’d always hold their love in their hearts, not hold one another in their arms.

For so long the universe was pointing to Hailey to let him go. Now the damn time space continuum was messing with her equilibrium, why??? Signs were beginning to weave a new tale, pointing her head and heart in another direction. First the marathon. Then North. Not to mention her dozens of letters and her deepest desires.

She would never give North the satisfaction of saying it this way, but could he be right? Out of a false sense of guilt and protectiveness, were they unnaturally separating two hearts that beat as one? Was time, space, and circumstances just an excuse to deny what couldn’t be ignored?

God damn it North, but was the wrong story unfolding?

That was her frame of mind throughout the week.  She was having a nice little verbal battle with North in her mind on her way to work when a man came beside her and started talking as he walked with her stride by stride, “Hailey Upton?” he asked.

“Director Paul Weiss, FBI. Do you have an hour you can spare?”

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Jay looked at his watch. His relationship with time had taken on new and unexpected meaning since his time in prison. He was keenly aware of it in a hyper sensory kind of way. While others sat in the quiet hum of an airplane boarding, Jay heard each tick of the seconds passing in his mind. That monotonous echo of the grandfather clock in Warden Harris’s office was etched in his mind for eternity. Each beat of his heart mimicked the sound.

It had been a long month since Director Weiss appeared at his shed.

Hailey’s message was shocking. Weiss saw it written on Jay’s face. He got him.

Had he read the whole situation wrong? He gave up on dreams as his last act of protection and love, his last gift he could give to Hailey, right????

While it went without saying that Jay would always carry their flame, he had assumed she needed to leave its powerful warmth behind. Afterall that fire had burned her badly.

By Hailey relaying those words to him she made a deliberate choice to convince him otherwise.

It seemed like an intentional bridge from who they were today to the possibility of who they could be… together.

The real possibility of that truth hit him somewhere that had been untouched for so long, he almost that it was a hallucination.

Jay sat in his shed searching for a poem he had read in one of his many reading marathons in prison. The moment Director Weiss relayed his message from Hailey, Jay couldn’t turn back to the moments before when he thought he had it all figured out. There would always be the before he heard her message and the after.

When he finally found the poem he read it over and over. The truth in the words gave him the strength to persevere through his physical and spiritual desecration in prison, and now the words buttressed his soul as it opened up to the possibility of what lay ahead.

Hailey’s use of that phrase was a direct message. To heed her call, Jay had to release his angst, his protector identity, his shame. Jay had to go through the next phase of healing – letting go of his deepest fear.

His eyes drank up the words.  

“Fear” by Khalil Gibran

It is said that before entering the sea
a river trembles with fear.

She looks back at the path she has traveled,
from the peaks of the mountains,
the long winding road crossing forests and villages.

And in front of her,
she sees an ocean so vast,
that to enter
there seems nothing more than to disappear forever.

But there is no other way.
The river cannot go back.

Nobody can go back.
To go back is impossible in existence.

The river needs to take the risk
of entering the ocean
because only then will fear disappear,
because that’s where the river will know
it’s not about disappearing into the ocean,
but of becoming the ocean.

Jay knew he was no longer the solitary river he had been for so many years. He couldn’t look back and think of all the ways he hurt her, failed her, destroyed them. He couldn’t sit in that pain a minute longer.

To fulfill his destiny, he would have to face his fear of dreaming again and become the ocean.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

In the four weeks since Director Weiss came to visit, Jay went through rigorous and exhaustive physical, psychological, and skill testing.

He honestly had no clue where he stood.  While in the best physical shape of his life, he also had significant bodily damage as a result of his vicious prison stay.

Let’s also be real about his psychological fitness. He had barely said a word to anyone about his trauma in prison. He hadn’t properly vetted himself for whether he could function in a world outside of the bubble he had been living in with his brother’s family.

None the less, there he found himself on waiting for takeoff from Seattle, Washington to Washington DC.

His mind was replaying the last few days in his mind. When he finally got word that he made it to the next round of vetting, he would have 72 hours to get his personal affairs in order.

For Jay that meant about 15 minutes of packing his small wardrobe and telling Will, Natalie and the boys that he would be leaving.

For how long? He couldn’t say. Maybe just days if he didn’t make it pass the rigorous training ahead. Maybe months or more if he did.

Will took it hard. Having Jay leave and not be under his watchful eye was harder to swallow then he would have liked to admit. They were closer than ever and he liked it. He liked it a lot.

Add to that having Jay go off on some classified clandestine mission… that was a whole other story.

While Will never doubted Jay’s strength, resilience, and capabilities, he did wonder if his brother was up for the relentless onslaught that his previous job demanded.

Will may have said, “the hell you are,” to Jay when his little brother told him he would be leaving, and that it was classified. He may have pushed away from the table and stormed off in a huff. He may have behaved like a mix of Jay’s father and a petulant toddler all in one.

Natalie was there to hold Will in bed that night. To remind him that Jay is a grown man that can make his own decisions. That she saw a spark in Jay’s eyes she hasn’t seen in forever. That the boys have them and they have each other, and Jay needs to go out and build a life for himself too.

Jace was little still. He knew this was sad and made Jay pinky promise that he would not forget him. Those last three days together Jace clung to his uncle. Not in a dramatic way. He just did as he always did, acted as Jay’s shadow, but this time he took the time for snuggles to last more than a brief hug. He let them linger for minutes, which for a nearly 5-year-old boy with all the energy in the world was something. Jay knew his bond with his mini-me was secure despite his young age.

Owen on the other hand was a tougher nut to crack. He had lost his birth father to war before he was even born. Owen had Will as a father figure for sure. His adoptive father was loving and attentive. As far as Will was concerned Owen was his just as much his as Jace was his son.

But Jay helped to fill the void a child has when they lose a parent in a way that no one else possibly could understand.

Jay was former military like his father. That commonality helped their initial bond form. But what cemented its depths was that Jay was broken too. Owen never wanted to reveal to his mother how much his father’s death haunted him, how much it hurt that Jeff never held him in his arms. It weighed on him since he was a little boy.

Something about Jay’s raw vulnerable state felt familiar to him.

In the warm shadow cast by Jay’s trauma, Owen felt seen and understood. There was a safety in the pain, in the knowing that his thoughts and struggles didn’t make him strange.

With Jay, Owen’s pain and sense of confusion as to his place in this world was known without having to say a word. He felt a little less alone.

When the news came down that Jay would be leaving and it was clear the classified nature of his departure meant military or something of that ilk, it hit Owen like a ton of bricks.

Not only was Jay leaving their cozy nest, but he was also going somewhere that he may not come back from. Just like his birth father.

Owen’s tether to his deepest emotions was leaving.

Jay gave Owen some space to process the news. He knew what they shared. Over the course of their year together Owen would ask questions about what it felt like to be shot, or act heroically, or thrive under pressure. Jay understood that Owen was working out his own confusion about his father.

When Director Weiss revealed that Hailey had asked for Jay to try out for her team everything in him knew what he had to do. He just wished it didn’t involve hurting the little guys that meant the world to him.

Those boys showed Jay the potential of who he could become. He had been so lost in the lonely pit of shutting down to survive. He held onto one core value of protecting those he loves but lost everything else about himself in the process.

Jace and Owen allowed him to realign his focus on his genuine values. They allowed him to open back up at his pace, become vulnerable again, and connect with others in profound ways.

The gift they gave was priceless in ways they couldn’t possibly understand. What happened to Jay over the course of his 8 years in prison ultimately did not irrevocably break him.

This past year revealed his love, strength, and resilience that had always remained. He had endured and he had grown to make way for living a more authentic and meaningful life. That revelation was a gift with no possible measure.

The night before he left for DC, Jay came down to the yard where Owen was practicing hitting on his tee. He had hoped Owen would find his way to him before he left, but when he hadn’t, Jay couldn’t leave without saying goodbye.

“That swing of yours is getting smoother by the day,” Jay called out as Owen took a hard swing into the net.

Owen just kept resetting the tee and hitting the ball harder and harder as Jay moved closer.

Jay stood and watched as Owen got visibly angry hitting the ball.

“Hey, bud….” He said as he grabbed Owen’s arm after his last vicious swing.

“It’s not the ball’s fault,” Jay said with one of his little half smirks.

Owen didn’t return a smile, but he did put the bat down.

“What do you want?” he asked with full teenage anger and sass.

“O, I know this is hard,” Jay tried to start.

“Hard? This is hard?” Owen said as his voice grew louder.

“You are leaving, and you could… something could happen to you. Id say that is more than hard. I’d say its bunch of bullshit.” He spat out in a sadness inspired fury.

“Owen, I am not going to pretend that it isn’t dangerous out there. And I am not going to patronize you and guarantee you that it’s all going to be perfect. I love you. I understand you. I see you. And I totally get why you are angry and scared and that this feels like triggering bullshit.”

Owen looked up. Surprised Jay wasn’t dancing around the truth. Nearing 16 years old he appreciated being treated like an adult.

He took a minute to try to compose his raging emotions.

Jay knew what was ruthlessly flowing through Owen’s mind. His birth father tried to be careful too. He had a pregnant wife at home. That wasn’t enough to protect him in the end.

“I don’t want to lose you too,” Owen said as he tried to hold back his aching sadness.

“Come here,” Jay said as he grabbed Owen behind his head and pulled him in for a hug.

His heart had belonged only to Hailey for so long.

Jace and Owen had taught Jay that life hadn’t forgotten him- there was always something left to love, to create, to cherish. Will’s family didn’t divide his affections. Not at all. They intricately and beautifully expanded his heart.

Jay was snapped back from the memory of the night before by the flight attendant preparing the cabin for takeoff.

------------------------------------------------------------

Hailey was making the rounds.

Director Weiss had successfully recruited 12 prospects for the special ops team. As the team supervisor/leader, Hailey was given carte blanche to decide who made the cut. Ideally she would wiggle it down to 8, ensuring all the skill sets needed were met.

She knew she wanted to bring whoever from her team that was willing to go. She needed a foundation of support she could trust.

Hailey walked into a room hoping to sit in on some of the trainings to observe her prospects before giving them their next orders.

As she entered she came face to face with Jay standing in nothing but his boxer briefs being trained on how to successfully attach pinhole sized tracking devices and being measured for “uniforms”.

He was facing sideways. His muscles rippled magnificently from head to toe. Epic farmer’s tan from working outside on full display. Scarring from his innumerable injuries and subsequent surgeries present yet faded.

The last time she saw him in prison he looked broken, vulnerable, decimated from the inside out.

Now, before her stood the sculpted vision of a green-eyed Greek God.

Hailey had no idea what scars or pain lay beneath that sculpted masterpiece, but man oh mighty was he a vision.

Her heart skipped one, no two, ok make that about a dozen beats before she composed herself.

Before Hailey could silently escape, Jay and the FBI tactical agent showing him the ropes turned and looked up.

This was not how either one envisioned seeing the other for the first time in a year.

Their eyes locked. Hailey’s cheeks turned every shade of red possible. How dare his eyes hold such supple softness while his body was hard as a rock!

Jay looked like a little dumbfounded puppy in her light. He had spent the last weeks trying to stay cool about what Hailey’s coded message via Weiss had really meant.

If he wanted to look neutral to her presence, he failed miserably. His eyes revealed everything.

And uh, oh…the magical power of their connection was as present as ever. The intensity of their gaze was so strong neither one could muster the professionalism required of the moment.

It was like the day Hailey tracked him down in the Maryland prison. From the first second their eyes connected it was game over.

And yet, the stubborn ones found a way to resist.

“Oh, sorry, I think I have the wrong room,” she finally spit out in embarrassment.

“The training location has been moved. Conference room C. I’ll have Halstead in your hands in a few minutes,” the agent said looking back to the task before him.

Hailey spun around and closed the door abruptly. She leaned back, head hitting the door, eyes closed. The agent really had to use the phrase, “Halstead in your hands?????”

-------------------------------------------------------------

Jay slipped into Conference room C with a new white t-shirt and black tactical pants outfitted by the FBI. A black leather belt ensuring the pants fit tautly against his rather chiseled physique was affixed. All the recruits in the room were in the same uniform.

Hailey had already begun her presentation. Jay quickly noticed Kat and Miles sitting around the table. It threw him for a bit of a loop. The last time he saw them was a different power dynamic while he was still locked away in Maryland with no end of his incarceration in sight. Now they were equals.

He sat down in the only empty chair and looked respectfully at Director Hailey Upton.

She purposefully didn’t make eye contact.

“I have reviewed all of your assessments thoroughly. What is clear is that all of you are qualified for elite tactical work. So if you get cut, know it is only because we are putting together an ensemble of topflight skills to achieve our objective. You may have redundant attributes that result in not making the unit. After this afternoon’s mock rescue mission, the final roster will be determined.”

-----------------------------------------------------

Hailey stood by the myriad of screens that would display the mock prisoner rescue. She and Director Weiss discussed who should make the final cut.

“No matter what Kat and Miles are in. I trust them. They are responsive to my leadership style,” Hailey began.

Weiss nodded in agreement. “Fritz got a promotion and will be taking over your task force?” he asked.  Hailey smiled in affirmation. It was well deserved and knowing he would take over made it easier for Hailey to accept her own promotion to the international scene with the FBI.

They narrowed down the list of top contenders:

Imogene Reynolds was in. 33, fluent in Russian, Polish, and Ukranian, FBI special agent for 4 years, beautiful, gutsy. She would come in handy. Rap was she had a bad temper.

Brett Forrest also in. 51, military special ops for 27 years. Smart as a whip, in Mensa. Can smuggle any weapon anywhere. Fluent in Arabic, Spanish. CI’s around the world. Challenge would be whether or not he would respond to reporting to a younger woman.

Jerome Perkins in. 24 tech wizard. Graduated MIT at age of 14. FBI special ops for 3 years. He was labeled as “nuerospicey.” Can hack into even the most complex firewalls with ease. Concern as to whether his unique personality would gel with the team.

Her top picks were coming together. The one position truly up in the air was who would be the team’s lead sniper.

Option 1: Cillian Brown. 32, highest level ranking sniper in the Marines, served 5 tours in Afghanistan, rank Major. Longest list of kills in recorded history. The man doesn’t miss. His ego however does not endear him to his fellow soldiers.

Option 2: Jay Halstead. 42, highly decorated sniper in the Rangers, CPD Sergeant, DEA informant. Intimate experience with prisoners and prison guards. Born leader, excellent tactician. Past injuries would limit his ability to engage if needed in the field. He passed psych eval, but questions/rumors lingered.

As they looked through the two sniper’s files, Hailey thought back to when Director Weiss came to her with the profiles of her prospects. He hoped it would show her he was bringing her the best of the best.

When Jay’s profile came up on the screen her breath seized for a moment.

Of all people, Walker North came into her mind. Was the universe presenting her with a way to let the story of her dreams unfold?

Several pictures of him on the screen from his CPD days, Ranger days, prison time, hospitalizations rotated in full color. What really got her in her gut though were the photos of him in Seattle woodworking. It was the first piece of his post-prison existence she had seen.

Good things vanished every day, no one knew that better than Hailey. Seeing an iota of his healing reminded her that unadulterated love did not have to be one of them. The softness of his rugged posture stirred her from the inside. A modicum of evidence that he may be healing…

She didn’t know what it all meant. Was Jay whole enough for this kind of work? Was she delusional imagining them partnering once more?

She couldn’t grasp what was real and what was just wishful thinking any more than she could try to hold the moonlight in her fingertips.

There was only one way to know for sure.

All of these prospects were obviously heavily vetted before reaching this stage.

“You know I have a history with Halstead, why him?”

“He came highly recommended by Director Lindsay. We need a top tier sniper and couple that with his unique personal history we thought he should be under consideration. If you take the supervisory role, it will be your call.”

Hailey sat in quiet for a few minutes as the photo carousel continued on repeat.

“Where you go, I go,” she said looking at Director Weiss.

He looked back confused.

“Tell him that. If he wants this, he will come. If he doesn’t, then I’ll know…” she didn’t finish the statement.

-------------------------------------------------------

Hailey, Weiss, and a few other senior members from the DEA, FBI, and State Department watched the mock rescues unfold.

The teams were split into groups of 6. Each tasked with the same goal.

Jay was teamed up with Kat and Miles. They didn’t say much to one another. Just nodded in mutual acknowledgement.

Kat and Miles whispered to one another earlier that day. They knew how decimated Jay had been in body and spirit. He didn’t belong there. Was this Hailey nepotism? She had never been unfair like that before…

Boy would they be eating their words by day’s end.

Once a detective, always a detective. Jay picked up on their uncertainty of his capabilities and psychological fitness. He pushed down the feeling that distrust elicited and pressed ahead.

Hailey and her advisory team had a decent sense of who would make the final cut. However, the mock rescue would be the final test before final decisions were made.

The first group included Cillian Brown at sniper. The mission was to rescue a prisoner with one sniper, 3 armed agents, and two unarmed agents going inside.

It took the group, 28.5 minutes to achieve the objective. Instead of real bullets, soft paint filled pellets were used.

Cillian made 7/9 kill shots on the first try. It took two extra shots to kill all 9. Impressive.

However, his extreme focus and precise success happened while one of the agents on his team was killed. Didn’t look great for anyone on the team to bring someone home in a body bag.

He came back to the rendezvous point smirking at Jay. They both knew they were up against each other. Jay was considered damaged goods. It would be an uphill battle for him to beat Cillian and make the cut.

Everyone saw Cillian’s pride in his handywork. It was written across his face. If it bothered Jay he didn’t show it.

Up next was Jay’s group.

Hailey gave out the orders. She tried to make eye contact with each of the team members. Jay allowed their gaze to meet briefly, before going about his business.

His artfully placed thigh holster posed a challenge for Hailey as far as keeping her eyes off him.

Jay and Hailey were professionals through and through. Whatever feelings that were stirring in their hearts was not evident in their demeanor.

The simulation began. Jay sat at his designated perch as determined by the team leader. The first 15 minutes moved swiftly. The agents on the ground worked methodically to get the two unarmed agents into the prison.

Jay began quietly picking off the guards. 7 down. The purple paint in his bullets spraying messily. Out of the corner of his eye he sees a guard going for one of his team members, Miles. The angle he was at would require a ricochet that physics would not allow.

He had to choose between staying at his designated perch or jumping a pretty serious height to be able to take out the guards closing in on his agent.

In a millisecond Jay jumped the equivalent of 2 stories, and landed in an acrobatic roll, just like he learned in Ranger bootcamp. It was the only chance you had at keeping all your bones together from a high jump.

As he rolled, he took out his smaller pistol by his groin and eliminated the advancing guard before Miles could even comprehend what was happening.

Jay quickly got behind a dumpster and had to figure out how to pick off the other two targets form this lower vantage point.

The first one wasn’t too bad. Bang. 8/8.

The last kill required some sort of ricochet that seemed impossible. So he quickly improvised and went for a twostep attempt. Jay purposefully took a wide shot to miss. The ricochet caused his target to move out of the way in response and that gave Jay a clear final kill shot. The purple paint billowed off from the final target’s chest in vivid plumes.

The team finished successfully in 27 minutes flat with all team members returned alive.

Jay limped back to the rendezvous point. Hailey took a few steps in his direction, then stopped herself. This wasn’t Jay Halstead this was just a recruit.

The medic came over and had Jay sit on a bench to be assessed.

Ten minutes later he came pack with his ankle wrapped. The medic walked next to him,” a sprain. A little RICE protocol and he should be good to go.”

Jay came over to the rest of the team and focused on securing his weapon before the debrief. He kept his gaze fixed on the technical task before him.

Hailey began to debrief. Jay stood at attention with the rest of the participants. Watching her take charge and lead was a thing of beauty to him. She was gorgeous and so fucking capable.

Jay really had no idea how well he performed out there, had no clue and no bravado around the fact that he was a quiet leader that used his skill and decency to get the job done faster and cleaner than the goal objectives laid out.

Hailey knew. Weiss knew. Jay’s team knew. The other team knew.

Cillian on the other hand began making excuses as to why it was not on him that an agent died, despite the fact that he could have possibly stepped in as Jay had. “My objective was to take out the 9 targets, not focus on anything else,” he argued. “Had I known it would be held against me, I would have. Their safety was the unit leader’s responsibility not mine.”

He wasn’t wrong in theory. He did his job as assigned.

“You decide on your sniper? Weiss asked with a smirk.

"You can apologize for failure of competency, but not for failure of character," she responded confidently.

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Budapest, Hungary was a magical city cut in half by the Danube River and steeped in deep history. Its hustle and bustle of modernity was juxtaposed by the old historic architecture and narrow walkways.

Hailey loved the electric energy. She had lived in Chicago and DC, no wilting flowers, but Budapest was alive in a way that fed her natural rhythm of life. The pastries from the many Hungarian bakeries wafted delicious smells through the streets that eventually permeated her bloodstream. The sophisticated street garb quietly inspired Hailey to up her style game a bit. The Eastern European gruffness of her neighbors allowed her to let go of any pretense of being phony.

Budapest suited Supervisory Special Agent Upton just fine.

She also liked the challenging richness of the work. Having Kat and Miles with her was a great foundation. They were familiar and made the transition with the new team flow more easily. The new team members were challenging in their own ways. Professional to the core but with big personalities and varying opinions of how to proceed.

What she would never admit out loud was that her favorite part of this new role, new city, new chapter was having Jay by her side. They were consummate professionals. Never crossing a single line. Never revealing the once in a lifetime love that bubbled vigorously beneath the surface.

Kat and Miles knew. They’d pick up on the tiny glances, the extra beat Jay would look at her, the unshakable trust they had in one another. It was like this whole side show on display between them that no one else could see.

Everyone else thought Jay was this quiet, brooding sniper that did his job and offered excellent strategic insights in the rare instances he spoke. He wasn’t her official number 2, but when a big decision had to made with the chips down, he would pipe up and she would trust his instincts.

For his part Jay was on a very precise clock. He counted every second that came and went. It was a PTSD tick he picked up from prison. It bordered on OCD.

Being in Hailey’s presence was more than enough for him to handle. This was their unique Upstead brand of gentle healing. Seeing one another, trusting without having to verify beyond an eye glance, taking care of one another with the stillness of the unsaid words between them.

They hadn’t talked about anything personal since they laid eyes on each other in Washington. It was all business. But for Hailey and Jay business was personal. It was how they fell in love in the first place. It was as if their absence in one another’s life was only in flesh, they were always one breath away from each other. More on that later.

The fly team was gelling and soaring under Hailey’s leadership. If they rescued even one prisoner in their 12-month trial that would have been enough to justify their existence. And yet, just in the first three months they rescued a prisoner from a Russian penal colony.

This same prisoner had been part of a failed rescue two years prior. No one could understand why they didn’t participate in the escape. No one that is until Hailey’s fly team came into the picture.

A covert operation by the CIA to free imprisoned journalist Matthew Rappaport from a Russian penal colony had failed. The Wall Street Journal reporter had been taken into custody on drummed up espionage charges nearly 6 years prior. The State Department could not get Russia to budge on their demands for the release of a convicted Russian terrorist involved in funding the bombing of the American Embassy in Liberia which killed 4 civilians.

The CIA was able to funnel letters to Matthew detailing how and when he could escape. But when the day came nothing materialized. According to the sources inside the prison they had bribed, he hadn’t even tried.

The Fly team was tasked with making another go of it.

They were pouring over the schematics of the prison, the guards they had on the inside on the CIA’s payroll, Matthew’s profile and background.

“He didn’t even try to execute the plan. Why the hell would he not want to be rescued?” Miles said in exasperation after the team could not figure out what the next move should be.

Hailey looked over the room and noticed Jay’s body language. He appeared to be zoned out. Locked jaw, furrowed brow, hand tapping his leg.

“Halstead,” she said trying to snap him out of his trance.

He looked up and stood at attention.

“Spit it out,” she said as if it was obvious he had something to say.

The rest of the team looked at him, confused as to why she would be demanding him to speak despite not an inkling from him that he had something to say.

Jay looked at her for a few long seconds.

“We have to get him out, not the other way around,” he finally said with a quiet confidence.

“What the hell do you think we have been trying to do here?” Forrester said in annoyance.

“Look at the penal colony’s reputation,” Jay said as he quietly pled his case.

“Torture is used regularly to garner confessions and keep people in line. Allegations of rape from prisoners and guards alike. Caloric allowance is the bare minimum for survival. Heat is sparse despite the frigid winters….”

“Yeah, we read the file too. So?” Forrest said again now really getting frustrated.

“So, he has likely shutdown. Instead of assuming he is a bull waiting to be let out of his pen, we should assume he is a sheep that has already accepted his slaughter.”

“We cannot get in there, you know this Jay,” Imogene said trying to make sense of her colleagues’ suggestion.

“We have 3 guards on the payroll, right? Quadruple their payment and grant them and their family immediate asylum if they help smuggle him out quietly. It must be under the radar so that by the time anyone has figured out Matthew is gone, he and the guards, their families, are all in international airspace.  Matthew just can’t be a willing participant. Its too much to expect.

Hailey wanted to smile at him. She saw something stewing, but he was always so loathe to chime in unless asked directly.

------------------------------------------------------

It took 8 weeks to communicate with the Russian guards via the CIA and to conceive of an actionable strategy. Imogene played a critical role utilizing her excellent language and accent skills, her ferocious confidence, and her wily charming beauty.

The plan was that while Matthew was on laundry duty the guards would inject him with a sedative and bury him in the laundry cart under mounds of laundry. He wouldn’t be aware of his rescue or have to play a pivotal role in it’s execution. Just as Jay had suggested.

When the laundry service would arrive earlier than expected no one would be the wiser.

Some of the fly team would be in the van and take Matthew and the guards directly to a small municipal airport 17 minutes away where their families would be waiting to board a private plane.

By the time the real laundry service came Matthew, and his rescuers would be safely in the air on the way to safety at the American army base in Landstuhl, Germany.

The morning the rescue was executed, Jay had quietly asked Hailey to be the one that sat with Matthew once they had them in custody.

She nodded in agreement with his request. Their eyes met. Hailey knew Jay’s unique insight into this came from his own trauma and the permanent scarring that remained. He would never admit that to the team. To Hailey he didn’t have to admit anything, she just understood.

On the plane about 90 minutes to go on the flight, Matthew began to stir from the sedative.

Jay put his hand up, stopping the doctor and nurse on board from advancing to further exam their patient.

Matthew startled and quickly curled in on himself.

Jay got down on his knees to eye level, even slightly below eye level so he was looking up at Matthew from the floor.

“Hey Matthew” he began as gently and softly as possible.

“My name is Jay Halstead. I am part of an American rescue team. You have been rescued. We are already out of Russian air space. You are safe.”

Jay waited for Matthew to respond. Matthew looked at him briefly before curling back into himself.

“Hey, buddy its ok. I am going to walk you through each step slowly. Won’t do anything you do not consent to. One step at a time?”

Matthew nodded slightly.

“Ok I am just going to sit here next to you for a while. I have some fruit, crackers, and a coke if you’d like to eat anything.”

Jay saw Matthew’s eyebrow perk up at the mention of the very American beverage.

He looked at Kat and she handed him the Coke with a straw.

“You want me to hold it? Or do you prefer to hold it yourself?” Jay asked in the same soft voice he had been utilizing.

Jay just sat there holding the strawed soda can within Matthew’s grasp. It took a few minutes, and the rest of the team just sat trying not to make it obvious they were watching. Matthew sat up a little and reached for the can. It was pretty cool to watch this broken man take his first few sips of liquid freedom.

For the remainder of the flight Jay sat on the floor gently talking Matthew through a brief medical examination and the landing.

He stayed with him for the next 17 hours until he was officially given medical clearance and reunited with his family.

Before they parted, Jay handed Matthew a new cellphone provided by the federal government.

“My number is programmed inside. Call anytime day or night. I don’t fully know what comes next for you, but you are not alone.”

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The evening Matthew was reunited, the team convened in celebration at a beer hall in Landstuhl.

Imogene, Kat, and Brett were a bit friendly with their friend Mr. Vodka. While the rest of the team took it a bit easier on Ms. Beer.

Jay had one beer and then pretty much nursed the second one for the rest of the night. As much as he just wanted to go back to the army base and sleep, he felt it would be antisocial of him to be the first to leave.

Seeing Matthew was triggering. As the doctors were checking him over as he was still sedated on the plane, Jay could just tell that Matthew was in a bad place. Sure the man was unconscious but Jay’s gut could sense by the physical state of his body, that the psychological part was just as beleaguered.

When Matthew curled away from Jay, the look in his eyes was all too familiar. In some ways it was affirming to see the juxtaposition between himself and Matthew. Jay had come a long, long way… and Matthew would too with time.

Jay didn’t regret the intense time he spent with Matthew, but his generosity came with a price.

Connecting with raw, intimate pain, sparked the part of Jay that would always feel small, defenseless, alone. He just hoped Matthew didn’t pick up on his angst, and that he accomplished his goal of comforting him in such a vulnerable transitional period.

Hailey was watching Jay out of the corner of her eye as she and Jerome talked. Jerome had played a pivotal role in disabling the security cameras on the roads they took leaving the prison in-route to the airport, she wanted to be sure he felt appreciated amongst the jubilation of the successful rescue.

Hailey could see through Jay without having to think about it. She saw he was struggling and it didn’t take a rocket science to determine the root of his sadness.

She desperately wanted to go and talk to him. To comfort him. To thank him for giving them the angle they needed to craft a successful strategy for rescue. To communicate her admiration for the empathetic compassion and gracious stability he bestowed on Matthew. It was one of the most moving acts of grace she had ever witnessed.

So did she? Alas, no, she stayed away. Hailey had quickly said, “thank you, you really were a lynch pin in all this,” earlier that day. And that would be all she would muster.

Hailey knew if she sat down with Jay and revealed her sincere gratitude and admiration it would be game over.

The whole team would see right through her.

They’d see the love that lit her from within.

They’d know it was Jay, and it would always be Jay for her.

So she stayed away. Far enough that the embers that still burned between them could remain hidden.

He was playing with a piece of the Bavarian pretzel on his plate, when Miles appeared. Jay was lost in his head and hadn’t noticed his teammate had come and to sit down.

“Hey, man. It was pretty cool what you did for Matthew,” Miles started.

Jay brushed it off. “Nah. Anyone of us would have done it.”

“Yeah sure we would have tried. But you were the only one he made any eye contact with, didn’t tremble in fear from. It was special to see how you handled him. I learned something,” Miles said not letting Jay take the humble way out.

Jay nodded a little in acknowledgment, totally uncomfortable by it.

He finally settled for, “thank you.” The polite thing to say when someone pays you a compliment.

They sat there in awkward silence. Jay was reeling still, feeling especially vulnerable. It scared him a little. He desperately did not want to take a step back in his emotional stability.

Miles knew Jay had picked up on his uncertainty of having a potentially damaged colleague join the fly team and wanted to make that right. He shouldn’t have underestimated him.

“Look,” Miles began cautiously. “Kat and I saw where you were. The state of your being. And shit man, I didn’t think anyone could come back from that.”

This really made Jay uncomfortable. He was very much needing to get the heck out of there at that moment.

“Jay do you see that your trauma healed in a way that despite every rational explanation, you did not become a vessel to hurt others with your pain?”

Jay needed to end this conversation and leave. The night had officially become overwhelming.

“Shit, man. The brutality you endured… it did not ruin you. Despite it all you… you are a vessel of giving. And I for one am in awe of it.”

Jay tucked his trembling hands into his pockets and stood up.  Miles saw Jay was rattled.

Hailey wrapped up her conversation with Jerome and walked towards her subordinates.

“Jay, look…” Miles said as Jay nodded in appreciation of his kind words and turned to leave.

Miles felt bad that he made Jay more uncomfortable. The opposite of his intentions.

Before Miles could get to Jay to try to smooth things over, a drunk as can be Imogene crashed into Jay as he made a hurried beeline to the door.

Jay was in no shape to throw off her advances. “Hey, Halstead why are you always so broody? You know everyone thinks you are hot, right? Maybe we all just like a bad boy we can try to fix.”

Kat smacked her on the arm. As drunk as she was she saw how Jay was crawling out of his skin.

Folks let this be a lesson learned, never get drunk with coworkers. NEVER!

Imogene proceeded to hang on Jay’s neck as he respectfully tried to disentangle her arms from him.

“I am heading out,” he tried as she just grasped tighter.

“Such a party pooper,” Imogene whimpered.

Hailey came storming in to break up the mess. She and Miles pulled Imogene off, and brought Kat, and Brett with them to have some water and eat something.

By the time she had settled them and turned back Jay was gone.

Later that night Jay texted Miles.

“Thanks for your kind words. Sorry I ran out of there. We are all good.”

Hailey stewed with her thoughts all night. Everything in her was screaming to go to him or to at least to text that she was holding him in her heart that night.

She finally settled on this, “to reiterate, thank you for all that bring to the team. We are lucky to have you here.”

Jay looked at the text and contemplated how to respond. He settled with a thumbs up and a thank you hands emoji.

Oof, his wounds were heavy, they hurt, they were cruel. He desperately sought a way to put the weight down.

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Rescuing Matthew Rappaport was a huge feather in the cap of the fly team. It wasn’t easy.

While Jay helped give them an angle that worked, Hailey’s confident leadership pulled off the delicate operation off flawlessly.

Of course, success often only begets the expectation of more success.

Their next assignment brought them to the border of Turkey and Syria. This was a joint task force mission where the fly team was assisting the CIA and military.

This was an old-fashioned prison rescue. Intel determined the prison wasn’t well fortified. With a combination of bribery and brute force the plan was to bust Miranda Kullens – an avid hiker that decided the Syrian foothills were a bucket list trip despite the FBI’s travel ban for Americans to Syria.

Everyone was suiting up for the raid.

Jay overheard a CIA agent arguing with Hailey.

“Women are not advised to be part of the rescue as an element of Syrian culture felt a particular way about women it could be extra dangerous for a female to be taken captive.”

Hailey contemplated for a moment.

“Yeah, well I outrank you. My team isn’t going blind. I’ll be in a full mask and tactical gear, no one will know.”

Jay was uncomfortable hearing the risk Haiely was taking on. He retreated to deep breathing. It wasn’t his place to tell Hailey what to do.

When the team gathered for the full pre-op brief, Hailey gave out orders to her team.

“Miles, Brett, you are with me. Kat, Imogene you stay back with Perkins. Halstead hold down the fort here in Turkey.”

“What? You need multiple snipers?” he uncharacteristically called out.

Hailey did not appreciate the public display of disagreement.

“We have 3 Delta Force snipers with clean bills of health. I need you to hold down the fort and keep an eye out on screen,” she growled with authority

Jay realized he was out of line. But he was scared to have Hailey going in. Adding not having him on her six he was downright terrified. If the rescue went south… this was more dangerous than usual.

He came closer to her trying to hold back his anger. “Is this about my medical clearance? I was given full clearance,” he said gritting his teeth hoping no one else could hear him given his proximity to his boss.

She bit back, “you didn’t get cleared fully. You signed a waiver declaring you understood the elevated risks given your previous head and bodily injuries.”

Hailey was worried that if the rescue went south Jay would be in physical danger in a way his body couldn’t handle. It was her role as Supervisor to protect her team. His ego be damned.

She got closer to his ear, frustration pouring out of her pores. “You protected me without asking. Now I am doing the same. You don’t get a say, just like I didn’t.”

She walked away before he could say anything else.

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Jay was pacing back and forth like a wild animal. The sound of the seconds ticking by were pounding heavily through his skull. If all went well the operation would be between 35-40 minutes including leaving the Turkish border into Syria and returning.

He watched with his heart in his throat as the helicopters left. In truth his heart was on that second helicopter holding Hailey.

It wasn’t that he didn’t trust her or the joint task force team. For a man that didn’t scare easily, he was scared.

This one was risky as fuck. Really he was shocked the joint chiefs agreed to it.

To save one American they were risking a lot of lives in a tenuous situation that could go sideways in many different ways. They were flying into enemy airspace for goodness sakes! These copters had special armament preventing radar detection and the prison was very close to the border, but still… this was borderline crazy.

At least if he was with her he could do whatever it took to keep her safe. He’d make sacrifices for her no one else would consider. The kind you could only do for something you love more than yourself.

But he had to accept her choice. Had to respect her as a leader. Had to remember how capable and tough as nails she was at her core.

Every microsecond of the next 39 minutes took ten-fold the time off of Jay’s life. For the most part the execution went according to plan. Things got a little hairy as the helicopters were identified in the last minute of the rush to the Turkish border by the Syrian military, but the armored choppers withstood the enemy fire and made it back to Turkey in one piece.

One Delta Force soldier got hit with a bullet’s ricochet off the helicopter in the thigh. Luckily it didn’t hit any major arteries and the medics were able to successfully stabilize him for transfer.

Miranda was swiftly taken by two CIA agents. She was in decent shape thanks in part to the short duration of her imprisonment. Shaken but not stirred as some would say.

A much bigger team played a role in this rescue than did in Matthew’s. The celebration was more raucous and formal. Jay retreated to the corner of command central and watched as Hailey shyly accepted the attention and adoration from the joint task force.

He couldn’t help but smile at her small blonde frame in a room filled with mostly men. Hailey was graciously smiling, but Jay knew she hated every second of the attention.

Their eyes would meet occasionally. Those glances were tender, tear filled, brimming with sweetness.

What he wouldn’t give to take her by the hand, free her from the spotlight, and imbue his love for her silently through a sincere bear hug.

What he wouldn’t give.

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That rescue was a doozy. Everyone was burnt out and needed to regroup. As such the team were granted four days off in Lisbon, Portugal before they received their next briefing.

That is how Jay found himself sitting in a Lisbon hotel room on an unseasonably warm Friday night. The giant windows gaped wide open allowing a soft breeze in and the glimmer of the full moon to illuminate the space.

He facetimed with Will, Natalie, and the boys. Owen’s team was in the State Championships. For the first time since Jay left, Owen seemed relaxed with him on the phone.  He walked through his game plan and Jay offered some advice to help with Owen’s struggles cleanly fielding sharply hit line drives. Jace was showing off his reading skills as Jay sat patiently listening to his nephew clumsily read him a bedtime story.

“You alright, bro?” Will asked as the call was wrapping up and it was just the two of them left on the screen.

“Yeah, man. It’s been a heavy lift, but it’s been good. I kind of feel like I am returning to myself a little. But these bones are older than the last time I was in the field stateside,” he confessed with his half smile spreading.

“Alright, just be safe, Jay. Have fun in Lisbon it really is a beautiful city. Do something special while you are there, make it memorable,” his brother smirked before saying goodnight.

He shot off a text to Matthew as a check in, before heading for the shower.

Jay was zoning out under the paltry water pressure trickling on his head when he heard someone knocking on the door. He figured it was room service or housekeeping so continued with his sad attempt at bathing.

The banging grew louder and more relentless. He grabbed a towel taking note of how European towels were smaller than the large bath towels he normally used. It covered him just barely enough to quickly poke his head out of the door and deal with the hotel staff.

“Come on Jay, I know you are in there.”

“Shit it was Hailey,” he thought as he had already started to open the door.

She came storming into the room like a house on fire.

“If you ever call me out like that in front of the team again your ass will be back on a plane faster than you can say, yes ma’am,” she yelled pointing a finger in his face.

Only in that moment did she realize he was standing before her nearly naked with nothing but a little piece of terry cloth separating all of him from her grasp.

“Hailey, I respect your decisions but I don’t have to like it. You can’t treat me with kit gloves just because of our past. I didn’t come here to be kept in a playpen,” he said loudly but not in anger just trying to match her intensity.

“Jay this thing between us… you aren’t my protector. That chapter of our lives is over,” she said getting closer to him, intensely glaring into his simmering eyes.

“You can’t ask me not to do that, Hailey. Yes, some things can be changed. Some things can be massaged.  But some things just are,” he said matching her stare. Why were her eyes so goddamn mesmerizing?

While their heated interaction continued, a sidebar conversation was unfolding between the heavens to Halstead.

God spoke to Jay through the warm breeze, the full moon, Will’s advice for him to have a memorable trip, Hailey’s pulsating presence before him, the soft light that enveloped them.

Her intensity was a mask for the love she could no longer hold back.

Jay ever the gentleman was so busy waiting for her explicit words and for her consent, that he almost missed the whole dang conversation.

So God spoke with more oomph.

“Jay,” Hailey continued.

He met her angry passionate gaze with a desperate softness. She couldn’t possibly think he’d stop caring about her or stop trying to protect her from the cruelness of the world.

His loving resolute look was the final straw.

For god’s sake being angry and pushing him away was exhausting. Hailey didn’t want him to stop loving and protecting her. Ever.

All that pain she survived by his hands had faded into the distance. It’s not that she forgot, it’s just… he did it out of undying love and devotion, he suffered endlessly as a result. And after years of working through her complex feelings, when she finally was ready to send up a smoke signal… he came. She asked, and he came. It was that simple.

To an outsider, perhaps it appeared that too much pain and trauma lived between them to build a healthy future. But to those that knew them, well the moment destiny took charge had finally arrived.

The divine spirit works in mysterious ways. They had to go through all that pain separately in order to emerge from the ashes with a hard-fought magnificence. Otherwise, the tension and loss of self while on Intelligence would have eaten them whole eventually.

For all that was desecrated, something was redeemed. For all that was taken away, something was bestowed. For all that was humiliated, something was exalted.

My friends, that something was Upstead.

The untold story within them was ready to acquaint itself with the outside world.

They were two parts of one spiritual being.

With all of her resolve dissolved into the humid breeze, she took charge like the boss that she was.

Without warning, without hesitation, without any hint of precaution Hailey pushed him down onto the bed and began the reclamation of what had always been and always would be hers.

Jay fell back as his wee little towel slipped to its final resting place on the floor.

Hailey Upton showed him a new articulation of what it meant to be the master of Jay Halstead’s universe.

As fate would have it their majestic attraction would no longer be held back at the gates.

She never forgot his taste, his smell, the way his tongue managed to be gentle and passionate all at once.

She had forgotten how elegantly sumptuous it felt as his hands tenderly caressed her hips and her face. Right there in his arms she was reminded that it was the only place she truly felt unequivocally safe.

They lost themselves in each other that night. And then they did it again, and again, and again… and again.

Jay couldn’t believe what was happening. He hadn’t touched any women in so long and he had assumed it would just be that way as part of his willingness to abandon dreams.

So when he looked up and saw the only woman that sincerely knew him to the core, thrusting her hips with such fierce femininity, such magnificent power, such overwhelming love… Jay lost all sense of time.

For the first time that he could remember, the clock stopped ticking.

The veil separating them had been pierced with such vigor, it could never be sewn back together again. Not by human actions anyway.

Once Jay and Hailey couldn’t possibly make love another time that night, they lay there, limbs entangled, holding hands in the darkness. In that shared stillness--they made something beautiful.

The universe takes for sure, but that night revealed that it also gives.

When Hailey finally fell asleep with her head on his chest and her body cuddled around his side and legs, he kissed her head over and over again and took in her hair’s intoxicating scent.

He could barely move. Had no sense of what time it was or if seconds or years were going by.

He lay there with a heart that ached from loving, open and well-worn, beating freely with wild abandon.

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Jay didn’t fall asleep until well after the sunrise. When he finally did, those hours were the deepest sleep he had since he left Chicago all those years ago.

No matter the comforting warmth of her body, he would be on high alert forever after what he had lived through. So when Hailey quietly tried to roll out of bed his eyes snapped to attention.

Panic shot through his system. He knew what the last night meant to him, did it mean the same for her? Did she wake up with regret?

He loved her with unflinching certainty. After the pain he inflicted, could she love him back with the same conviction? All of a sudden fear crept into the magical realm they had created.

Hailey bent over to pull on her lace underwear and jeans. Jay moved his eyes in her direction trying to give her the space she deserved while gaging what was happening.

As she reached down for her shirt and whipped it over her head she looked at him and smiled, “Do you want coffee?”

Jay was such a ball of anxiety he didn’t register the question. So she got closer to tell him what she wanted.

“I want you. And then I want coffee. And then I want waffles,” she grinned as she came closer and nuzzled her nose against his.

“Ok, maybe coffee first this time? Or do you require a different kind of pick me up?” she grinned as she planted a kiss on his lips.

Jay could barely respond as he let her kiss penetrate his lips, bypassing the rest of him, inserting right into his veins.

Hailey smiled as her lips separated from his, stood up, grabbed her bag, and scampered out of the room.

He sat up on his bed and realized that showing up to work with the fly team was a way of him challenging the story in his mind that he had learned to believe, the story that said it was better for Hailey if he stayed away. Choosing to leave Seattle for Hailey was the first step.

Now he had to learn new responses to his triggers so that he could grow beyond his trauma and rewrite a better story with Hailey front and center.

Jay had to remember that the old story was a lie. In this new iteration the things he reached for so longingly would lovingly reach back. The love and devotion was healthy and reciprocal.

Hailey illuminates. She makes everything brighter, softer.. that girl makes everything more.

Jay had to fully accept that his willingness to potentially fail was proportionate to his willingness to grow. To grow he had to dream big and risk the potential heartbreak. To dream big he had to love Hailey Anne Upton with no more restraint.

Not 15 minutes later, Hailey returned with two coffee cups in hand.

“Hard to find waffles in Algiers…” she said placing the coffee down on the small counter the hotel room afforded.

Jay stood up, smiled at his woman, scooped her into his arms, and proceeded to give her a taste of what it would be like with her man in charge.

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Over the course of the days and weeks after that steamy night in Lisbon, Hailey and Jay remained lost in one another. They never did find the outside world again after that fateful passionate night.

Why on earth would they? They finally found themselves in heaven’s grasp after 8.5 years in the frigid wilderness.

They did have to also function in the real world however.

They had been given a new assignment that brought the team to the Algerian foothills of the Sahara Desert.

An American soldier, Makai Phillips, went AWOL several years prior. It was believed that he had been abducted by the Taliban and then subsequently traded for $$ to various militant groups in the region.

Intel from the CIA believed that he was being held somewhere in the Hoggar mountains with an embedded extremist group. The CIA had paid a local two local Sherpas $1.2 million in exchange for the exact cave and access to the location.

The payment went through and the men vanished. To say egg was on the faces of the CIA team involved was to say the least. They needed to come up with a solution quickly.

The fly team was called in to help rescue Phillips and save face for the CIA.

Forrest’s fluency in Arabic and Berber, the dialect of Arabic and French spoken in Algeria, came incredibly handy.

The CIA had done so much heavy lifting before they arrived, their role was narrowly targeted. Forrest was able to assess that Phillips was in the mountains. Local authorities were scared that the CIA was so upset and agreed to quietly participate in finding Phillips exact whereabouts.

As the weeks of CI engagement unfolded, Hailey and the rest of the team were mapping out possible rescue plans in the difficult mountainous terrain.

Upstead were firing on all cylinders. With Hailey now in his heart and by his side, Jay’s quiet confidence became louder. He asserted himself more and wasn’t afraid to jump into strategic conversations drawing on his military and CPD background. With Jay’s hand in hers Hailey felt more confident than ever to finish the mission and return to the United States to have time to consider what their future should be.

That being said, Jay and Hailey had to be extraordinarily careful.

They knew Kat and Miles were on to them already. So they buttoned up even further at work. In order keep the team’s cover in Algiers, they were posed as tourists. Hailey arranged for them to have adjoining rooms in their budget hotel with an interior door connecting their rooms.

This way as far as everyone was concerned when they retired to bed they were alone. No one needed to know they’d never spend a night a part again when given the choice.

They were unspeakably happy together. The version of themselves that only existed in each other’s company had been reborn, returned to its rightful place.

For the better part of a decade they were sent on different journeys- filled with pain, heartache, uncertainty, loneliness, despair. They each had to fight brutal demons to make it back- in doing so they forged stronger and more grounded versions of themselves.

As cruel as time had been, it also bestowed a profound gift. Their time apart had deepened them emotionally and spiritually. While many people say nothing is more important than family and love, they felt that truth to the absolute core. As a reward for surviving the ultimate metaphoric endurance race they could bask in the power of living and loving in those hard-earned depths.

It was lovely and pure and whole.

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6 weeks had passed since the magical weekend in Lisbon. Now they were less than 48 hours out before the planned rescue attempt and tensions were high.

Forrest had a location pinpointed as to where Phillips was being held. The CIA was quick to set up a rescue mission and insisted the Fly team be a key driver in the rescue.

Something didn’t feel right to Jay and to many of the team members. This all seemed too easy. The CIA liason Sheldon Richardson seemed overly involved with every detail.

Miles came up to him while he was contemplating how to approach Hailey with his concerns.

“Why are they using us as first in?” Miles asked startling Jay.

“Yeah, I don’t like it either. We are a small team they have all the special ops they could dream of at their disposal.”

“I heard Hailey arguing with Riggins from the CIA. She doesn’t like it either but they are forcing her hand. She threatened to pull the team, and they threatened to remove her from her post,” Miles whispered in secrecy. He knew Jay would find a way to talk to her.

Jay nodded slightly and got up from his resting spot on the desk. He slowly came over to Hailey’s makeshift office. She looked up from a stack of papers, briefly let her eyes meet Jay’s before going back to her paperwork.

“Not now Jay,” she said almost like he was bothering her.

He inhaled a deep breath. She was asking for a bit of space and he had to respect her wishes. The evening before she said she needed to get a good night’s sleep and retired to her hotel room alone. It was the first night they had spent alone since the spell cast in Lisbon.

“Ok, but later?” he asked looking up with one furrowed brow.

“Later,” she affirmed without looking up.

As he walked away Hailey looked back at him longingly. She was shutting him out. She knew it. She didn’t like it. But in that moment she couldn’t stop herself form doing it.

The rest of the day Jay couldn’t help but feel like Hailey was avoiding him.

Every time a chance emerged to talk, she found a reason to be busy. Things were harried for sure. They were scrambling to go over strategy plan A, B, and C.  Yet,  it didn’t take a top tier detective to know when someone was doing everything to steer clear.

When Hailey was packing up to head out, Jay decided it was now or never.

“Hailey, can we talk for a minute? I have some concerns about this mission…”

Hailey grabbed her bag and slung it over her shoulder.

“We all do, Jay. I pushed back and tried to get us out of the first wave, but the CIA went over my head on this one. So I am doing all that I can to do my job and protect this team to the best of my ability. If I say no, they’ll replace someone else that may not have your backs like I will.”

Jay nodded. He could feel the tension coming off her like steam emerging from a manhole on a New York City street.

“Look, I am not feeling so hot. So I am going to bed early. I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said. It was now the second night in a row she asked to be left alone, Jay couldn’t help but feel hurt.

Ever the gentleman he kept his insecurity to himself. Respecting her boundaries, “ yeah, of course, big day on Wednesday.”

“Yeah,” she half smiled, slowly looking up toward him for a second before heading out.

He couldn’t tell if it was wishful thinking but he could sense her communicating to him. She wasn’t quite spinning out, but something was up.

Hailey’s heart was aching. She and Jay had come so far undoubtedly, but she too had come so far in dealing with her own triggers and insecurities. Or so she thought… she didn’t want to be apart from him, if anything in this moment she wanted him to sweep her in his arms and remind her what safety felt like.

Ugh why is the human mind such a dumpster fire sometimes?

That night he couldn’t fall asleep. His head laying against the flimsy headboard in his room, knowing her head was just on the other side of the thin wall. His heart beating so loudly she could probably hear it.

He could tell she was carrying something heavy. Something important. Whatever she was working through… he did his best to stand down and wait for her to reach out on her terms.

The next day was more of the same. Hailey focusing on the mission and nothing else. This was an all-consuming endeavor on paper it made sense. But to Jay he knew something else lay beneath.

He was coming back to his hotel room, in hopes of getting some decent sleep before the upcoming mission.

As unsettled as he was about the new distance between them, his gut told him that whatever it was they’d work it out. She was the love of his life and he had to let her go on this, just like she had to let him go to Bolivia. He knew he wasn’t delusional in accepting that what they shared was forever. He would be holding her in his arms forever. If that was the case he had to be patient and play the long game.

Trying to do so without completely disappearing, he shot off a text to Hailey as he was making his way down the hallway to his room, “good luck tomorrow. Know I have your back 100% no matter how it goes down.”

As he looked up from his phone, he bumped into a cleaning lady and her trolley of tools and garbage. She had just stepped out of Hailey’s hotel room. The cart toppled to its side with all the cleaning materials and the contents of the trash bag tumbling to the ground in a messy heap.

Jay quickly scrambled to the ground saying, “ndem, sḥissef,” (in Berber I’m sorry) as he helped turn the cart upright and push all the garbage back into the bag.

He made it through a few pieces of trash before coming upon two open boxes of pregnancy tests.

His heart skipped a beat and the breath left his lungs for a few seconds.

It hit him like a freight train. The distance between them wasn’t because Hailey was carrying doubts about them. Holy shit, it all made sense. She was grappling with the possibility that she was carrying their child.

Chapter Text

Hailey sat in her room with a half-eaten pint of ice cream on her lap, cheeks wet from crying.

She looked over to her bedside table at the multiple positive pregnancy tests strewn about.

When Hailey missed her period a month ago, she figured stress of the job, lack of sleep, not eating enough, immense joy and revelry… all good reasons for irregularities in her cycle. Besides at nearly 43 years old pregnancy was totally off her radar. Women often did not get pregnant naturally at her age even when actively trying.

Then the signs became more obvious. She started feeling nauseous, uncharacteristically emotional, sensitive to smells, her bras were no longer fitting properly…  she missed her second period in a row. In truth she had lost count of how many times she and Jay had made love without a thought to birth control… they had been so at peace in each other’s arms none of those considerations materialized. Perhaps destiny had its own plans?

The past 8 weeks had been filled with unadulterated serenity and wonder. She and Jay reveled in one another. It’s not that all the baggage between them just magically disappeared. It was that the magic between them no longer was being denied.

They’d have work to do to build a strong foundation on the rocky history that was part of their story. But It was their story to continue to craft, nourish, and watch unfold.

Things were going so well that Hailey couldn’t help but think about forever with him again. Where else could she possibly want to be?

When she discovered that she was pregnant, the realization threw her off kilter. A baby? They hadn’t talked about it in over ten years. Could she even have a healthy pregnancy at her age? Could she mother in a healthy way? Did Jay have any desire at all to be a father anymore? Was this too much far too soon?

Instead of running into Jay’s arms with the news, she retreated.

Not to be mean or callous—rather, to regroup and to process the shock first before rocking his sensitive world.

When she held him in bed each night she marveled at the strength of his muscular body, the beauty in the warmth he still had in his soul despite the brutality it had endured. And yet, there was something about his aura that felt vulnerable now.

If God gave her the chance to steward his soul once more, she’d vow to protect that tenderness at all costs. Afterall, he did the same for her. Would a baby right now be too much for the delicate equilibrium he had artfully created in the wake of his torture?

Those early pregnancy hormones are an adult dose. They can make the best of us feel a little crazy. Everything you feel is magnified 10-fold. Normal anxiety is often taken to the next level. It’s hard not to catastrophize a concern. Hailey was definitely down the first trimester anxiety rabbit hole.

She needed her heart, her tether to the ground, her man… She also needed a minute to absorb the information and let it permeate her heart.

She knew Jay was just on the other side of the wall. Aching to be in his arms, but not quite ready to face him, Hailey pressed her hand to the wall desperate to feel his love and life force.

On the other side, Jay sat in his bed trying to sleep. They had to be up at 330 AM to commence their mission objectives.

How could he sleep when there was tension/atmosphere whatever you want to call it between him and Hailey? When the possibility of her carrying their child existed without confirmation?

He desperately wanted to speak with her. The pregnancy test boxes only revealed that she thought she was pregnant. He had no further information. Given all they had been through, it wouldn’t be surprising if pregnancy would throw Hailey for a major loop.

It was all a mind game. One that he wasn’t going to solve when they both had to be single mindedly focused on the task at hand.

“Get through the mission, get to Hailey,” was his mindset. They’d have all the time in the world to talk when their work was done. He was just grateful Hailey wasn’t going to be in the field for this one.

Jay sensed Hailey somehow.

He turned toward the direction of her room and put his hand up against the cheap wallpaper, trying to somehow will his heart through the wall. He could see in her demeanor the last few days how much she was struggling. All he ever wanted was to ease her worry, make her feel safe and cherished. For now, his heart to hand to wall would have to suffice.

Of course, unknowingly they were each doing the exact same thing. Fuck you thin sheetrock! You’ve got nothing on Upstead!!

Even in their moment of disconnection, they were somehow as connected as ever.

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430 AM the next morning the team were dressed in full tactical gear riding in jeeps to the makeshift command center/rendezvous tent set up by a cavern not too far from the rescue point.

A cold dessert breeze was whipping from all sides. The granular sand bits scratching Jay’s face, felt a bit too familiar. He shook off the creeping shiver in his spine that draws him back to his military deployments in Afghanistan.

With the help of Jerome on the tech side and Brett and Imogene sourcing the CIA’s CI’s, Miles, Kat, Jay, and Hailey constructing rescue plans, the time had come.

Jay and Hailey were loaded into separate jeeps. Hailey would be with Jerome and CIA agents Riggins, Richardson, and Makombo at the command center directing the mission. Jay, Miles, Kat, Brett, and Imogene would be going in for the rescue.

As Hailey’s jeep left and drove by Jay’s, their eyes locked in a fiery way only long-time lovers could muster.

Yeah emotions were running high.

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Jay and the team easily made it to the cave, where the intel indicated Phillips was being held. When they arrived, there was no sign of him. Worse, there was no sign that anyone had been there recently. The intel was completely wrong.

Jay felt like something was off. A sinking feeling lowered into his stomach as he reached for the radio, “No sign of Phillips. Repeat no sign of Phillips. Upton, something doesn’t feel right…”

He was using hand gestures to get the team back to the jeeps. No reply came on the two-way.

“Halstead to base. Perkins, Upton, copy?”

Silence.

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Hailey and Jerome were watching the video of the team attempting the rescue. A second wave of CIA support was quietly nearby Jay’s team in case the team came under heavy fire or attack.

The grainy footage showed them clearing the cave easily.

Hailey looked up for a moment to see Richardson whispering frantically on his cell phone. What on earth could he possibly be doing during a mission that was supposed to last all of 30 minutes? Couldn’t it wait??

That’s when all hell broke loose.

5 masked men came in with ak-47’s. Their English wasn’t great, but they kept screaming out, “hard drives, now!” One of the men fired a warning shot.

Chaos ensued.

Richardson dropped his phone in disbelief, while the other two CIA agents opened fire on the men. Hailey pushed Jerome behind her and pulled out her weapon- he was their tech guru not known for his prowess in the field.

In the mele 3 of the 5 masked men were taken out, and Richardson got shot in the thigh. Hailey saw how quickly his pants were pooling with blood and knew they didn’t have much time.

“Perkins, go!” She said throwing a rag over to him as a possible tourniquet. “I got your six.”

As the senior agent on site, Hailey was front and center in the action. These men were her responsibility. She knew Jay and the rest of her team would be back in minutes.

By sending Perkins to Richardson she had to cover him, leaving her left and back flank vulnerable.

One of the remaining tall and wide attackers held his automatic rifle to her temple within seconds. He quickly cuffed her hands with plastic ties and dragged her out of the tent about 100 feet to the edge of the cliff. Hailey wanted to fight back desperately, but was worried a physical altercation could risk the possible pregnancy.

Her captor was frantic. Constantly yelling into his radio. She didn’t fully understand what he was saying but gathered he was waiting for something or someone to come get him and the hard drive.

The agents inside were able to disarm the final combatant as he was left solo without any cover.

The cliff had a narrow point. The spot they were standing barely could fit all four of their feet. With every movement, Hailey could feel the ground dissolve slowly down the mountainside.

The headlights from the returning team nearly blinded her. Jay came screeching out of the car before it even stopped.

Riggins pulled him back. “No!! There is no clean shot. And there is no room for you to make a play,” he shouted as he forcibly had to hold Jay back from running to her.

“Can we get air support?” Jay begged. “11 minutes out,” Riggins replied as his jaw tightened trying to get Jay in order.

Miles and Forrest came and helped Riggins hold back the adrenaline and fear filled Jay from bulldozing the delicate situation.

For his part, Jay did whatever he could to calm his breathing and he composed himself. He surveyed the scene quietly for a few seconds and Miles and Forrest let him out of their grasp.

There was no way he could take a shot with the way the man was hiding behind Hailey. No structure to use as a point of ricochet. He’d have to improvise.

“Keep his attention on you!” Jay whispered strongly. “Do not let him take his eyes off of you!”

He dropped his weapon and ran off from the group. The sun was just beginning to rise. They could see his silhouette disappear into the unique hue where total darkness and hints of morning light met.

He was taking slow and calculated breaths. Hailey was in danger.  She needed him to keep his head on straight.

Every petrifying thought ran through his mind. Before they could become pervasive, he shoved all his fears away and focused on being the protector he was born to be.

“Get through the mission, get to Hailey.”

He was a soldier. That was his directive from the morning, and it hadn’t changed.

He made sure to run far enough away where no one could hear him and carefully slid down over the edge of the mountain’s curve. The rocks crumbled beneath his feet at a frightening speed.

He didn’t have time to be scared. “Get through the mission, get to Hailey.”

It took what felt like an interminable amount of time but really it was only 3 minutes to scale the side of the mountain to get near them.

The sound of helicopter blades could be heard in the far-off distance. This captor could be taking Hailey with him on the helicopter as a hostage. Jay had to act now.

Hailey was unnerved every time more earth beneath her feet crumbled away. She had seen Jay briefly arguing with some of the team but then he seemed to disappear.

She knew he was somehow coming for her, just hadn’t the foggiest clue how or where.

Hailey kept looking down at her midsection, feeling immense guilt and worry for their unborn child. If something were to happen to Hailey and the baby, it would be all her fault. Her primal job was to protect this new life, not put it in mortal danger.

She refused to allow tears to flow. Something in her gut told her that she and Jay would find a way to keep their baby safe. Feeling silly in a way- she hadn’t even been to a doctor to confirm the news. But when a mother knows, she knows. And Hailey knew.

Before Hailey had more time to think she felt something grasp her ankle. Instinctively she looked down and in the morning dawn she saw Jay hanging precariously off the side of the cliff.  He aggressively moved his eyes over and away from the cliff. She understood and buried the fear she had for his safety and followed his directive. Was that a tiny smirk he gave her in reassurance?

He nodded his head, 1, 2 and on the third nod Hailey dove forward as he grabbed her captor by the knees and pulled him backwards just as the presumed escape helicopter approached.

Jay and the captor fell backwards into the abyss.

Hailey tumbled forward and Kat and Forrest ran to her, quickly cutting away her plastic cuffs.

She scrambled to her feet with the fading sound of the helicopter as it retreated into the morning sky.

She ran to the edge of the cliff frantically looking for any sign of him.

“JAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!” she screamed in an anguished cry.

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Hailey was a cool, collected, level-headed leader. No matter what precarious or dangerous situation befell her unit, she rose to the occasion to lead them to safe completion. She was lauded for her impressive calm under pressure many times over.

As she stood on the cliff, willing the sun to rise just a little faster, desperately begging her eyes to find him, helplessly watching as Miles, Forrest, and Riggins got the repelling gear, her resolve was tested like never before.

“Air support is 4 minutes out,” Riggins said as he tossed some of the gear to Forrest. Technically Riggins outranked Hailey, but this was her team and he wanted to give her the opportunity to call the shots.

“There!!” Kat screamed out. “I think it’s the offender, but that means Jay can’t be too far away!”

Hailey squinted and saw what Kat had found. It made her stomach turn. The mangled body of the man that just held her captive lay askew on a ridge some 70 feet below. What were the chances either man survived the perilous fall?

As Forrest and Miles began to descend, the joint forces support helicopter arrived. Hailey took the two way to commence communication.

“Agent down and missing. Presumed alive. Immediate search and rescue request,” she said as her nerves responded to the need for her to calm down. Having something to do helped her focus on the task at hand.

It took another 8 minutes or so for the sun to rise and for the sweet words to come through the speaker. “Target spotted, 11 meters SE.”

Forrest and Miles had reached the body of the captor. “He’s gone,” they yelled through the speaker.

They quickly turned their attention to getting to Jay.

It took longer than anyone liked for his rescuers to find him. He was lying face down. His arms were bent in an unnatural way and blood could be seen on the ground before they could touch him.

The next 90 seconds felt like days. Hailey closed her eyes waiting for their update.

Static.

Static.

Static.

Static.

Static.

“We’ve got a pulse,” Forrest said in excited relief.

Hailey kept her eyes closed trying to ward off the tears that were brimming. How could relief, and happiness feel this painful?

He had done it again. Sacrificed himself for her protection.

The helicopter arrived, lowering the rescue basket. But it couldn’t get close enough for Brett and Miles to reach it. The threat of slamming into the side of the mountain was real.

There was a wider ridge that reach would require a 25-foot ascent. It wasn’t too far, but it was steep, and dangerous.

Miles volunteered to be the one to carry him. He felt he owed Jay something.

Miles was awed by what Jay had been through and overcame. He couldn’t believe Jay’s propensity for kindness to vulnerable people, when he had every reason to be closed off or bitter.

He had underestimated Jay Halstead and wanted to pay him back for all that Jay had silently modeled for him as an up-and-coming agent and as a man.

When they rolled Jay over his eyes flickered open half-mast. His breathing was choppy. It appeared that Jay was gasping for air. Frantic. He couldn’t talk, focusing all of his energy on drawing in as much oxygen as possible.

They had to ignore his suffering and get him the hell out of there.

Forrest helped secure Jay to Miles’s back with extra straps. His body flopped lifelessly. Miles wasn’t sure if Jay was even still breathing. The awful wheezing from before was now barely audible.

But he stayed the course. He remembered how Jay spoke to Matthew that first day after they rescued him from Russian prison. He decided to follow his example and just kept talking to Jay slowly, gently.

As the pain of carrying Jay’s weight deepened, Miles just leaned into Jay’s approach more acutely. “It’s ok buddy, we got this,” he said softly.

When rocks fell as he tried to get a good latch he would take the fear and channel it into his passenger on his back. “Oh shit man, this is scary, huh? I got you, don’t worry.”

Forrest stayed with him stride for stride, guiding him to the best strategic choices to make with his body. Each inch up was hard-fought and perilously earned. One wrong grasp or move of their feet could be their last. It was a painstakingly slow process.

“Almost their bud,” Miles said as they were pulled up onto the ridge by Forrest and Riggins who had come down to meet them.

Two rescuers from the helicopter shimmied down rope to the ridge and gingerly secured Jay into the rescue basket.

“We don’t have equipment or medical personal on board to treat him but we will bring him to the field hospital for treatment until a medivac can bring him back to a real hospital,” they screamed over the deafening churning helicopter blades.

Hailey listened to the communications. Tears dripping from her eyes. Each drop holding the entirety of what she shared with Jay.

They had lost a tremendous magnitude of time together. Important moments, years, so many years. It would take too long to try to calculate the loss’s measure.

Even the last few days she spent pushing him to the side. Uggghh how stupid to have once again fallen into a spell believing they had all the time in the world to work things out.

As the basket carrying came up over the horizon and back to her eye level, she prayed that they’d have the chance to see out their destiny.

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“How far out is the medivac?” Hailey asked as she stood by Jay’s cot.

They were standing in a makeshift field hospital set up a few kilometers from their rendezvous point. The canvas tent wasn’t doing much to stop the sand from kicking up, but it was better than standing in the blazing morning sun.

Hailey was desperate to take his hand and caress his face as the nurses and their team took turns squeezing the ambu bag attached to the tube down his throat. He was shirtless, most of his pants were cut away, with 2 chest tubes oozing blood onto bandages on each side of his chest.

He must be hating this. Hospitals, medical procedures, needles triggered all sorts of messy feelings. How she wished she could ease his pain.

“About 5 minutes,” the doctor said checking his handiwork to make sure the tubes hadn’t shifted.

“First, they’ll take Richardson, I am worried the graft in his leg will only hold for so long. Then the second chopper will take Halstead. While he is more critical, he is stable for the moment.”

Hailey nodded trying to figure out what to do with her hands. They had a magnetic pull to Jay. For the love of God that is where they belonged. It took all her stored-up resolve to fight deep-rooted instincts in the name of keeping up the professional farce they had fought so hard to uphold.

Given what just went down, it was as important as ever to keep their relationship under wraps. To say working together was a conflict of interest was to say the least given their rekindled romance. Her strategy made sense on paper, but on heart it was brutal to see through.

The nurse was swapped out by Kat taking over the ambu bag.

“Squeeze the bag until his chest rises, count to six and squeeze again,” the nurse instructed as she massaged her aching hands.

The nurse went to check on Forrest and Miles, both receiving IV fluids and bandaging on their bloodied knuckles.

“Hailey, they’ll take good care of him,” Kat said trying to say something, anything to help soothe Hailey’s obviously frayed nerves.

They had all just witnessed the emergency lifesaving procedures performed to relieve his collapsed left lung and partially collapsed right lung. It wasn’t pretty to watch.

Jay was about to be taken by helicopter to be stabilized in Algiers and then sent to the military hospital in Germany for further treatment. She would have to send him off on his own and stay to fulfill her duty to wrap up the case.

Hailey looked up with a soft smile and acknowledgment of her friend and colleague’s comforting words.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________

Jay was confused, delirious. His eyelids were fluttering aggressively yet remaining closed.

His rough concussion coupled with the sound of helicopter blades churning and the taste of sand in his mouth sent him back. Waaaaay back to Afghanistan where a member of his unit, and a good friend, Keith Jonstone had been mortally wounded.

They all knew he was gone but Jay pounded on his chest relentlessly none the less. The Huey medivac copter landed and the medics took over for Jay.

Jay and a few other Rangers watched as the helicopter lifted off the ground whipping sand and wind into dust.

The helpless agony watching Keith airlifted away from them was one he would never forget. That same feeling was rushing through his body with lightning speed and chilling results. The emotional streak of pain hit his leg and chest like a thunderbolt. His eyes snapping open.

The confusion intensified as he became more aware of his actual physical surroundings. The ache in his heart from reliving losing his friend began to recede as he realized it was just a terrorizing flashback.

He was in the dessert. A helicopter was nearby. His muddled mind was working to acclimate himself to the right time and place.

“Halstead is waking up. We need him knocked out for the trip,” he heard a voice say. Moments later he felt a jab into his thigh as the doctor injected him with a large gage intermuscular needle. “I don’t like how quickly he is bruising across his stomach and back, he needs imaging ASAP,” the doctor said. They had cut off his clothes to treat his injuries, leaving him on display for all to see.

Before the medication took affect Jay’s acclimation to reality had fully emerged. He registered Kat to his left, not realizing she was manually pumping air into his lungs. He tried to scream out for Hailey when he discovered the tube down his throat. He couldn’t be sure his mission to save her had succeeded. A full-on panic attack began to take over.

When he tried to move his arms the pain in his chest and back ratcheted up immensely. Before he could try to scream again a vision of Hailey came into view. The medication was beginning to take effect as her megawatt smile became fuzzier and fuzzier by the second.

She was saying something to him but couldn’t make out the words. Before the medication took him under he felt her take his right hand and put it to her stomach.

That small gesture was communicated flawlessly. The silent confirmation of her love, their connection, and her pregnancy. She and the baby were safe. He could let go. Jay’s eyes fluttered shut as stillness took over his broken body.

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Hailey watched as several medics took Jay’s cot and carried it to the helicopter where he was transferred and safely strapped into a stretcher.

Kat came over to her and wrapped her arm around her boss. This rare moment of affection was a subtle acknowledgment.

She never once said a word, but she and Miles always knew. They knew back in Maryland. They knew when they began working together on the Fly Team. And they knew now.

Upstead was forever.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

The next 5 days were searingly painful for Hailey.

Jay had been taken to a military hospital in Germany for surgery.

His injuries were extensive and, in some cases, recurrent. 7 ribs, right and left clavicle and shoulders, left arm and wrist, hip dislocation, deep bone bruising of his femur, lacerated kidney. To say nothing of the countless contusions that needed suturing and debridement. But most life threatening was the double pneumothorax of his lungs. Those same ribs that were injured in prison refractured and shifted into his lungs. Those old breaks can crumble easily under blunt force trauma.

As such, the doctors in Germany elected to keep him fully sedated as his lungs went through the first stages of healing and his bones began the hard work of fusing… again.

The first 48 hours were touch-and-go. Hailey was hanging on tenterhooks waiting for word that he was out of the danger zone.

All this was happening and Jay was alone. No one by his side holding his hand, talking to his subconscious, ensuring the medical team were providing optimal care.

Will wanted to come but he had some sort of virus and a low-grade fever, doctors advised he wait until Jay was transferred to Walter Reed. The last thing he needed was to get sick on top of everything else. So Will settled on Facetiming Jay’s medical team in the morning and the evening. The 9-hour time difference made it difficult but not impossible.

Finally, Jay was showing signs of improvement. A brewing infection had been held back with aggressive antibiotic treatment. His kidney function was improving. Lungs staving off secondary collapse.

It would be a painful recovery, but they were now using words like when in place of the if from the first few days.

Hailey and the team stayed in Algiers putting the pieces of the case together. She had no basis to say she wanted to be with Jay. She wasn’t family and her superiors wanted her to close the case.

The truth wasn’t pretty.

The whole thing was a set-up from day one. When Richardson bungled the rescue before the Fly Team came to help, he was mortified. He purposefully paid off some locals to give the team fake information so when the Fly Team messed up, his failure wouldn’t look so foolish.

Only in his haste to cover his own ass he didn’t look deeply into who he was colluding with in Algeria. They had an ulterior motive to find out who was on the CIA’s terrorism hit list. They knew those confidential lists were never put on the cloud out of fear of hacking. They tried to blackmail Richardson. When he refused and tried to cut ties, well you know how that ended up…

Being away from Jay during his time of need was pretty brutal. The distance triggered memories of their separation while he was in prison… alone. Hailey had seen the photos of him recovering alone in a prison hospital, and here he was again with no one by his side.

The guilt was immense. Hailey did whatever she could to not let it consume her whole.

Jay made this sacrifice so that she could be safe. Taking care of herself was a productive way to channel her guilt and worry.

She went to a clinic to confirm her pregnancy and begin prenatal care.

An ultrasound revealed she was 9 weeks and 1 day pregnant. Doing the math that meant the baby was likely conceived on that fateful night in Lisbon. Everything looked perfectly healthy. Hailey recorded a video of the ultrasound and the sound of their baby’s heartbeat.

The doctor gave her all the warnings of an advanced maternal age pregnancy, and prescribed prenatal vitamins, lots of water, plenty of rest, and balanced meals.  Hailey could do all that.

She promised to set up care with an OBGYN once she was given the green light to go back home.

When Richardson was finally booked from his hospital bed in the room next to Jay’s in Germany, the Fly Team met for one final meeting before temporarily disbanding. The CIA would continue with the Phillips rescue, as the team went home for 2 months while the joint Chiefs determined the unit’s future.

They gathered for the last debrief.

“You should all be incredibly proud of what we accomplished. We brought two Americans home. Luckily none of us know what it is like to be held prisoner away from everyone and everything we love…” she began, clearly thinking of someone she knew that went through that experience.

“You each played a role in bringing Matthew and Miranda home. Ending their nightmare. Giving them a chance to re-start their lives. While we didn’t get Makai, we have left his rescue with Riggins who is more determined than ever to find him.”

“You took down a dirty CIA agent. There is no place in our line of work for someone like him. Just wanted you to know that what you gave up by being here wasn’t for nothing.”

The team all nodded and smiled in appreciation.

“How’s Jay doing? Miles asked.

“Stable. He was holding his own well enough to be flown to Walter Reed yesterday. If all continues as it should, they will bring him off the sedation and wean him off the ventilator soon,” she said with a softness no one missed.

It was killing Hailey being away from him. She fought with everything she had to keep up her professional mask, but her resolve was diminishing with every day they spent apart. The rest of the team picked up on it and began to realize what had been right under the nose.

“It was a joy and an honor to work beside all of you.”

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For Jay those days were mostly spent in a deep, deep slumber. He would barely remember any of it.

Occasionally the doctors would reduce his sedation to test for reflexes and lung capacity.

Deep in his unconscious state he knew Hailey was safe and that was all he needed to let go and accept the chemical induced slumber.

The seconds of his consciousness were like tiny blips on his radar of memory.

The endless sound of helicopter blades…

Floating quietly sensing Hailey.

“Jay, Jay, can you hear me,” as bright light were purposefully shined in his eyes…

Floating quietly sensing Hailey.

Sensation of being touched, poked, prodded…

Floating sensing Hailey getting closer.

“Time to get you home,” he heard in his slumber as the doctors were checking his reflexes before signing off on his flight back to the US…

Floating caressing Hailey with white calming noise surrounding them.

The jostling of being moved from bed to gurney….

Floating back with Hailey in the white noise cocoon.

More jostling, touching, wiping, probing…

Hailey feeling further away, slight anxiety kicking up.

“I’ll do his feet and legs, if you don’t mind,” gruff, familiar voice…

Shooting pain in his arm and shoulder….anxiety when sensing he was in a hospital… he hated hospitals. Like really hated.

Eyes flickering open… vision of nurse wiping his chest and Voight?.... confusion….

Pain in his left leg….more anxiety… how does he get to the surface and get out of there?

Blinking… catching nurse’s eye…

“Jay, glad to see you awake!” she said with a warm smile.

“I’ll go get the doctor and you finish up?” she said to Voight.

Jay watched bleary eyed as Hank gently was washing his leg and foot with a warm towel. His anxiety began to abate. It felt comforting, maybe even a bit intimate. He got a little self-conscious by what he and his former boss were sharing. He was so tired and confused he didn’t fight what was unfolding.

Hank looked up. “Hey kid, almost done here.”

Jay just lay there taking painful breaths trying his best to ignore the pain and focus on how cared for he was feeling while in such a vulnerable state. Where was he anyway? The nurse was speaking English, Voight here?

Jay had no clue he had been taken to Germany and then to Maryland. He also had no recollection of the time Hank previously had washed him in the hospital in Baltimore after his brutal attack in prison. Experiencing this while conscious was new.

Hank remembered.

For a man that struggled with genuine intimacy himself, Hank was relieved to have some way in his nonverbal wheelhouse to care for his boy. Hank was in his 70’s, there was no telling how many good years he had left. He’d never be able to fully repay what Jay did for him, but he could sure as hell try in whatever small ways were afforded.

Jay didn’t have the strength to talk. He surrendered himself to the intimacy of the moment -awkwardness and all.

His eyes followed Hank with each movement- as he meticulously washed his feet, dried him carefully, put clean socks on his feet, pulled up a pale blue blanket up over his hips, sling strapped arms, and up to his shoulders.

Did Hank fucking Voight just tuck him in?

He could sense how this act of care was born of love and devotion, how this affection affirmed that their complicated bond was real and true and for life.

Despite being confused as to where in time and space he was, he felt safe knowing Voight was with him.

Hank grunted when he tucked Jay in and their eyes met. He straightened the nasal canular, patted him gently on the cheek, and sat down next to his bed.

“Doc will be here any minute,” he said as Jay did all he could to fight the exhaustion and hold their shared eye contact.

It was a pure, raw moment. Hank Voight found himself choked up.

After all they had been through together. This kid paid a ridiculously heavy price for protecting him.

Jay knew Hank’s chaotic heart and accepted him all the same. Hank wasn’t sure what he did to deserve Jay’s loyalty and forgiveness, but he was grateful in ways a man like him could never verbally articulate.

He hoped that his loving presence by Jay’s side would convey what words could not.

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Hailey wheeled her suitcase through the vast lobby of Walter Reed National Military Hospital. She was minutes away from reuniting with Jay and she could barely contain her nervous excitement.

Turns out Will’s little bug? Well it wasn’t so little. He had undiagnosed appendicitis that eventually ruptured requiring emergency surgery and a scary few days fighting off the toxins released in his bloodstream. Both Halstead brothers found themselves in hospital beds on opposite sides of the country.

Thankfully, Voight, now retired, was able to come greet Jay at the airport after his flight from Germany. He stayed with him for every second of the next 52 hours ensuring Jay wasn’t alone anymore.

That put Hailey at ease for the last few days of her work with the Fly Team.

Now, she was flying through the shiny halls ready to see him with her own eyes, and to finally touch him unencumbered by prying eyes.

She arrived at his room. There was a big glass window with the curtains drawn open.

She glanced in and observed as a doctor examined Jay with Hank intently holding up his phone so Will and Natalie could see and hear the doctor’s assessment.

“The lung and kidney repairs are holding up nicely thus far. My concern is that Jay has a rare bilateral clavicle fracture that is complicating things,” the doctor said holding up X-rays.

“You never do anything halfway do you Jay?” Will with a weak gravelly voice through the phone. Natalie was nuzzled next to him in his hospital bed in Seattle.

“That combined with correcting the displacement of so many ribs… no matter how much it hurts you have to do the lung exercises the therapist will show you shortly. We will do our best with pain management, but your recovery depends on your willingness to push through the inevitable discomfort.”

Jay was still fighting to reserve every molecule of oxygen so talking was hard.

In the corner of his eye, he saw Hailey standing at the window.

His stomach fluttered with joy. His confusion and anxiety about how he lost a week of his life to sedation melted away.

She smiled at him and made her way through the door.

Seeing her face was a reminder of all that he had to fight for. Jay nodded in agreement. He’d withstand any painful exercise required to earn his spot by her side.

“The surgeons did a good job in Germany. We are looking at a good 8-12 weeks of recuperation in a double sling. The hip dislocation, leg contusion and bruising just needs some rest, therapy, and time to heal. All in all I would say you are one lucky guy with a fall from such a height.”

Jay smiled at that remark. The doctor had no idea just how lucky. But Jay did as his lucky charm quietly approached the bed and pulled up a chair on the other side of Hank. With Hailey back by his side, he felt like the luckiest man alive.

The doctor acknowledged her presence with a smile and a nod.

“Son, we need to talk about your future. Okay with an audience?”

Jay shook his head in affirmation. His future was one in the same as Hailey’s as far as he was concerned. And Hank… while it will always be a little messy between them, their love was uncomplicated at the same time. With Will and Natalie on the line, Hailey and Hank by his side he was surrounded by his family.

“I will not be signing off on medical clearance for you no matter how you heal. Some of these fractures are not only recurrent but we are looking at the third time for a few of those ribs. Let me be clear, your days in the field are over. Not really sure how they let you back in the first place,” he said reviewing Jay’s extensive medical history.

Silence filled the room. I am sure the onlookers thought Jay was lost in grief and pervasive thoughts.

He awkwardly tried to shimmy as he forgot his arms were immobilized in slings and he couldn’t reach out for Hailey’s hand. She got what he was trying to do and put her hand on his arms crisscrossed over his chest.

“It may take some time to process,” Will said trying to break the lasting silence.

Jay looked at Hailey and hoped she understood he wasn’t upset. That part of his life used to be all consuming and the defining attribute to his confidence. He lived, breathed, slept his work.

The tables had turned mightily. Sure he enjoyed working with the Fly Team… collaborating, helping, moving, doing… it was all good stuff. It just didn’t define him the way it used to. He didn’t need it in the same way. He went because she asked. He stayed because by her side is where he wanted to be then, today, and always.

He had a great pension already, he had learned some new skills working with his hands, they’d figure it out.

The doctor patted Jay’s leg. “The therapist will be in soon to show you your breathing exercises. Good luck, Special Agent Halstead.”

Hailey basically demanded that Hank go sleep at her DC apartment that night. He hadn’t left Jay’s side since he arrived, and his nearly octogenarian body deserved a good night’s rest. They’d reconvene in the morning.

Finally she and Jay were alone. All he wanted to do was to extend his arm and hold her. Instead he gazed up at her with the sweetest little look.

“Hi,” he said breathlessly, yet retaining that smile.

“Hey, you.” she said as she stood and caressed his temple.

“Always a flair for the dramatics, huh? Couldn’t have just done a run of the mill rescue had to hang from a cliff and fall down a mountain?”

“You (deep breath) o (breath)k?” you said with his breathing getting choppier.

“How about you let me do the talking tough guy?” Hailey urged, trying to hide the concern building watching him fight for each breath.

“I am fine. Not even a scratch, well maybe a little scratch form you grabbing my ankle like that,” she said with a smile.

He gave her a little eye roll and smirk for that.

“There is something I wanted to talk to you about,” she said continuing to gently rub the tufts of his hair.

She noticed his eyes go toward her midsection and the little happy curl of his lip.

“What? You know?” she said pulling away in surprise with a big warm look on her face.

His shit eating grin grew bigger.

“How?”

Before he could answer.  “Never mind,” she said gently trying to nuzzle herself next to him on the bed.

They stayed like that for a long while. Hailey sensed Jay was at peace. He wasn’t saying anything but the soft smile on his face looking at her with most tender eyes she had ever seen pretty much said it all.

She took a few minutes to sit in the sacred space holding the three of them in that moment.

Reaching into her pocket she pulled out her phone and pulled up the video of the ultrasound.

“Want to see?” she asked nuzzling ever so gently by his side holding up the grainy picture in his line of sight.

Jay was awestruck. Goddamn it had been a rough ride. Look at them now!

He took a minute looking at the little bean like image growing in the dark background on the screen. Did they really create that?

Hailey turned up the volume and pressed play.

The gentle and steady sound of the heartbeat flooded his senses. The familiar rhythm of seconds ticking away hit differently this time. No anxiety partnered with each second gone by. Instead, with each beat of its heart the baby was growing stronger and closer to uniting with Jay and Hailey earth side. Suddenly, the passage of time held hope in its hands.

Hailey was trying to read what was going through his head. “Are you scared?” she questioned, as she put the phone down and just let the sound of the heartbeat continue to reverberate.

He sniffled, hoping that would help stifle the drops slipping down his cheeks.

“Diapers (breath)? Yes.  Ba (breath)by. You (breath). Me (breath). No,” he said with the exact quiet confidence she needed to hear.

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The next three days were a blur. Jay slept a lot. Physical therapists and nurses came in and out constantly. Hank or Hailey by his side at all times.  A slew of visitors ensured his room was always buzzing.

Erin, Fritz, Kat, Miles, Forrest, Perkins. All stayed for short visits as it was clear Jay was immensely weak and wasn’t up for much hosting.

It meant a lot that they came to check-in.

Makayla came with her Georgetown professor, Desmond Reynolds.

Jay hadn’t the foggiest clue they both knew about his deal with North and all that had transpired for him in federal prison. Nor did he know they worked behind the scenes to try to find a way for an early release. He also had no sense of the legendary status Professor Reynolds had in the criminal justice reform space.

Jay was so hopped up on pain meds and focused on fighting for enough oxygen he wasn’t fully present for the visit.

Hank and Hailey kind of felt bad for ambushing him like that, but they knew that despite being exhausted and weak, Jay needed some sort of purpose during his convalescence.

They apologized for not being able to help him secure an earlier release. Makalya especially felt guilty for not identifying the magic loophole in the law that Jay so desperately needed to be found. He slowly, breathlessly, sweetly told her he hoped she unburdened her heart from any guilt, because he doesn’t hold anything but love and admiration for all that she did to try to help. He still couldn’t believe she was a beautiful, brilliant adult.

Professor Reynolds could tell Jay was struggling to host them. So he cut to the chase and talked about a bill he was working on with members of Congress to transform prisoners’ rights, to build on the very same rights that were withheld from Jay, making his time in prison backbreaking instead of transformative.

Jay was invited to join an advisory committee of 50 former inmates tasked with providing input on the bill from their own personal experiences.

He really was dumbfounded by the conversation. They wanted him to advise a congressional body?

Utterly exhausted from trying to participate in the conversation he closed his head and nodded yes.

Hailey and Hank developed a nice rhythm to ensure neither one completely burnt out. Jay was worried that Hailey wasn’t focusing on her own health and wellbeing. She had no interest in leaving his side for a minute let alone hours.  But Hank noted that the concern and worry was causing Jay stress so Hailey capitulated and agreed to spend nights in her own bed.

“You and Hank as roomies, eh?” she smirked at Jay as a way to make fun of the situation he demanded.

Jay mouthed thank you to Hank and meant it sincerely and in more ways than one. He couldn’t take care of Hailey like he wanted to and was deeply appreciative to have someone stand in his place.

To Hailey and Hank’s utter surprise, Gwen Sigan showed up to check-in.

Hailey wasn’t really a fan of Gwen’s and was suspicious of her intentions.

“If this is about North…” Hailey started as they pulled the guest chairs to the back of the room so that Jay could continue to nap uninterrupted. Hank stayed by Jay to make sure that he couldn’t hear their conversation.

“North? No. Although that was shockingly magnanimous what you did for him,” Gwen said referencing that after much thought and consideration Hailey gave him the job reference he requested.

“Don’t thank me, thank Jay. It’s his decency that inspired me to do it. I wouldn’t have otherwise,” Hailey answered as she was still so unbelievably angry at that man.

She never talked to Jay about it. Why put the burden of having to be kind to that bastard on him?

It was when she saw Jay in person during training in Washington that she knew it was what he would want. After all he did for her, she felt honoring his innate goodness was the least she could do. In the wake of the tragic events that unfolded, North, Jay, and Hailey each had new paths to pursue. Despite all the heartache, Hailey wasn’t going to stand in Walker North’s way of redemption.

“I am really just here to see how he is doing. I heard you were working together and that your team did some incredible rescues.”

“Yeah, it’s not great that some of his fractures are in the same places as those from his attacks in prison and from his military days. Chances of infection and refractures are greater. But all in all he is a survivor and will be just fine.”

Hailey wasn’t trying to be cold, she just couldn’t pretend that all that happened to Jay and to her for that matter was forgiven.

Gwen understood of course. She would always carry guilt around for not protecting Jay better when North shoved the poison pill deal down his throat. Jay had almost been killed in prison a few times and his body and spirit would always carry those scars.

“I wanted to be the one to tell him that because he was injured in the line of duty and can no longer work at full capacity he will get an additional medical pension from the FBI for the rest of his life,” Gwen said cautiously. She knew that no money could make up for what he had endured and for what he would continue to endure for the rest of his life.

Hailey looked over at Jay watching his chest and arms rise and fall with every painful breath.

Clearly emotionally unmoved by Gwen’s update. “Well thank you for coming by to tell us,” Hailey said as she got up from her chair signaling to Gwen it was time to go.

As Gwen stood up she shared a parting thought.

“Hailey you told me I had the power to change the story. To right the wrong. And I will always regret that I didn’t and couldn’t. But it seems pretty obvious that you and Jay share surpasses even what the high and mighty FBI can control. Try as we did to write the ending to your narrative, Jay Halstead and Hailey Upton were bigger that all of that. Destiny had other plans.”

Hailey appreciated Gwen’s words. She could tell they were not hollow or empty platitudes.

“But can I add a little satisfying plot twist?” Gwen asked with a smirk.

“I kept tabs on your ex-fiance, Alex,” Hailey lifted her head. She hadn’t thought about Alex in some time.

“Turns out once the stink of what he did to Jay became known, it stalled his career. Nothing bad will happen to him, but he will be stuck in middle management at the DEA for the rest of time,” Gwen said trying not to reveal how much joy delivering this news was giving her.

Hailey couldn’t help but offer up a half smile. She didn’t hate Alex, really she more hated herself for falling for someone so shallow. But for a social climber like him, being relegated to mediocrity felt like a fitting punishment.

“Thanks, for coming, Gwen. I know it couldn’t have been easy,” Hailey said softening a little to her visitor.

“Just glad to see he is doing ok, and that the narrative you both have always deserved is coming to fruition.”

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­­­There was a knock on the window to Jay’s room. Hailey looked up and noticed her superior from the FBI and the man who recruited her to the Fly Team.

She kissed Jay on the forehead. “I’ll just be a few minutes. Don’t go anywhere,” she smirked. That elicited a playful eyeroll from the immobile one.

Hailey took a deep breath before walking out of the room. She knew her secret was essentially out. She and Jay were together thereby breaking about a zillion HR protocols. They couldn’t hide it any longer and frankly she didn’t want to. It was time to answer for her actions.

“Hailey, good to see you,” Weiss said as she closed the door behind her. Jay didn’t need to get dragged into this drama while he was still so weak.

“Director Weiss, good to see you too. Listen before you say anything, I just wanted…”

He put his hand up, pausing her on the spot, “Hailey look if you want to talk about you and special agent Halstead, as far as I am concerned you are two consummate professionals that did more for this country’s diplomatic relations than the whole goddamn State Department and CIA have regarding captured Americans in a while. If you decide to pursue a relationship together that’s not my business so long as you no longer work on the same team. Reasonable?”

Hailey was surprised by his willingness to turn a blind eye, touched really.

Composing herself calmly, “thank you,” was all she was able to get out.

“Look that Phillips rescue was bullshit. I am sorry you got dragged into that lemon of a situation. Thank you for bringing Richardson to justice and cleaning up the mess he left behind.”

“Phillips?” Hailey asked, professionally pivoting away from the touchy situation that went down.

“We believe he is staying on his own volition. He was recruited by ISIS. We will keep an eye on him, but for now no rescue unless our intel suggests otherwise.”

Hailey nodded.

“What you managed to achieve with a small team and limited resources was nothing short of extraordinary. Your name is now known at the highest levels of the FBI, CIA, State Department.”

“Thank you Sir, as you know it took a team of incredible professionals to achieve those successes.”

“Yeah, ok, enough of the modesty jargon. Bottom line is you are a rising star and I want to keep you with the FBI, not let the DEA get you back. I am offering you to be Deputy Director of Intelligence. You will report to me, and help oversee over 3,500 staff, work on only high-level targets. Hailey you will be at the pinnacle of federal power and influence.”

Hailey looked up completely flabbergasted by the prestigious offer. She looked up through the window at Jay as Hank read him the Chicago Tribune sports section. She looked down at her stomach ever so briefly.

“I am honored to have such an offer,” Director Weiss.

“Paul is fine,” he said trying to show her they were closer to equals than anything else. “Take the time you need to think about it,” he said sincerely. “You know how to find me when you have come to a decision.”

Hailey snuck back into the room and gave Hank a look. He got the memo.

“I’m going to grab some coffee at the diner across the street. I can’t take another sip of the brown gunk they serve here,” Hank said as he folded up the newspaper he was reading and grabbed his jacket. “You want anything?”

“Yes (breath) please,” Jay said trying out his puppy dog eyes for affect.

“Yeah, you’re still on a feeding tube, Halstead. Nice try!”

Hank looked at Hailey, the actual person he had asked about the coffee. “I am good, thanks.”

She watched Hank leave before settling in and caressing her hand on Jay’s slinged left arm.

Jay looked at her with big eyes, essentially saying what was that all about?

“That was Director Weiss from the FBI.”

Jay remembered him from that fateful morning in Seattle when he was convinced to try out for the Fly Team.

“I guess they were impressed with our team, they want me to stay with the FBI, not go back to the DEA.”

Jay grinned. “My girl,” he whispered with the hopes of saving his breath.

“It would be a Deputy Director role with Intelligence. Stationed here in Washington.”

Jay kept his toothy smile on full display. “Wow! I (breath) support…” he said wincing. He wanted her to know he had her back 100% and that he was stupidly proud of her.

“I know you do. And it’s a tremendous honor to be considered. I don’t know. Let’s sleep on it a bit and talk more when you are feeling better, ok?”

Jay nodded he was getting tired and didn’t know how much longer he had until sleep won out.

“Where you go, (painful breath) I go,” he said looking at her as intensely as he could with his fading eyes.

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Chapter Text

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Jay was finally breathing better on his own. Still not back to normal but the spirometer exercises and rest had finally begun to pay dividends.

The doctors were discussing discharge.

Hank and Hailey had talked about a bunch of different scenarios of where to bring Jay. Will was out of commission for a few weeks and burdening Natalie like that felt wrong without Hailey there to help. Hank offered his place in Chicago until Jay recovered while Hailey had to work, there was always Hailey’s place in DC if they could figure out a traveling nurse situation as Jay wouldn’t be able to be on his own for a few weeks. They figured they would present the pros/cons and let him decide.

Before they had the chance, Hank was holding the phone for Jay so he could finally talk and video chat with Natalie and the boys. Jay hadn’t wanted to scare them before when his breathing sounded more bionic than human. He also knew the kids must have been scared with Will being so sick and hospitalized. The last thing he wanted to do was add to their worry.

Hailey sat in quiet amusement at the sweet banter between Jay and his nephews.

“You suwe you ok? Those look like big band-aids,” Jace said with a look of concern on his face.

“Yeah I am sure, buddy. Don’t worry. I may be a little wobbly for a few weeks but I’ll be as good as new soon. You know what they say … the bigger the bandage the cooler the scar,” he smiled so purely, Hailey’s heart almost burst from a distance.

“Ok. Well I can’t wait to show you my toy horse collection. I have 17 now including 2  Clydesdales,” he gloated holding up his newest figurine.

“Wow! You know I can’t wait,” Jay said with a hint of sadness Hailey and Hank picked up on.

“K by Uncle Jay. Owen wants to say hi. Love you,” he said before scampering off.

“Love you to the moon and back bud,” Jay said quickly before Jace was out of ear shot.

It took a few seconds for Jace to pass the phone to Owen.

Owen got on the phone, loathe to make eye contact.

“Hey, Jay. Mom says you are doing better,” he said with his eyes anywhere but his uncle’s face.

“Owen,” Jay beamed from ear to ear. “Man, it’s so good to see you. Yeah, I am on the mend. Probably won’t be able to throw batting practice for a few weeks, but Ill be ready for spring training,” he smiled tilting his head trying to catch Owen’s eye.

Hank tried to maneuver the phone to Jay’s angle.

“How’s it been with Dad in the hospital? I know that can’t be easy” Jay asked.

Owen paused a moment. “Uh, yeah, you know aside from helping Jace tie his shoes and getting him to bed, it’s not too bad.”

“O,” Jay called, purposefully using the nickname he only pulled out when it was serious. Jay’s signature raised eyebrow added to the sincerity.

“Come on man, it’s me you don’t have to say everything is fine.”

Owen looked like he was fighting back tears but finally looked at Jay. “Yeah, I mean we’ve missed him, we miss you.”

The sincere look of sadness in Owen’s face hit Jay in his gut.

“Miss you man. More than you know. I’m proud of you for stepping up and helping your Mom like you did. Dad will be home tomorrow, and hopefully things will start to feel normal again soon.”

“Yeah,” Owen said, moving his eyes away again.

“Love you, bud,” Jay said trying to keep an even keeled voiced himself at this point.

When Owen hung up, Hank put his phone away and helped adjust the pillow underneath Jay’s sagging head.

Hank looked back at Hailey. She had a few calls to make.

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“Wooow, Nelly,” Hailey yelped as Jay’s wheelchair began to roll away from her.

“Does this thing have breaks?” he asked as Hailey caught him before crashing into the wall.

Jay was consigned to armless life and wobbly walking for at least 7 more weeks. He really was not enjoying having to rely on others for every little detail of life, but hell he was with his girl, their baby was growing right on track, what on earth did the rest matter?

They were heading to the airport. Hank was flying back to Chicago and Hailey and Jay had a different destination.

Hailey grappled with the incredible promotion Director Weiss offered. I mean second in command for all of FBI Intelligence? It didn’t get more impressive than that. The old Hailey would have jumped at the opportunity for a job like that – one that would consume her every waking second.

But she had different priorities now. Things like time to be a mother, time to be a loving partner to Jay. She felt a sacred responsibility to truly care for him. He sacrificed all that made him whole to protect her. Now it was her turn to protect him- protect the wounded, beautiful, blessedly decent soul that was her man. Only she didn’t have to sacrifice much to do it.

She had loved watching Jay light up talking about Owen and Jace while they were in Europe. Now, after witnessing what those boys meant to Jay with her own eyes, she knew exactly where they were meant to go. The thought of the Seattle Halsteads being a part of their baby’s life sweetened the deal even further.

Hailey liked Washington DC well enough, but it wasn’t home. And even Chicago, so many awful scars stained the streets and tarnished the wind in that city.

Home was with Jay. Home was in his arms. And she wanted to be held in his arms forever.

So after Jay hung up with Owen and Jace, Hailey got on the phone and negotiated for a role in the FBI’s Seattle office.

She would oversee the Seattle branch’s Intelligence team once the current Director retired in the coming months. She would have the unique chance of working with the outgoing Director for a few months before taking on the role.

It wasn’t a small job by any stretch, and it would keep her right where she needed to be, in his arms (when they were healed of course ;).

Jay was utterly flabbergasted. She did this for him. She turned down a dream job so that he could be close to his nephews. “Our nephews,” she reminded him when he tried to talk her out of it.

He didn’t want her to make such a sacrifice for him. He wanted her to be lauded and respected for the incredible professional and woman she was inside.

“Jay, baby,” she said bending down to the wheelchair level to meet his gaze. “You think I want to hob knob at never ending networking and bullshit ass-kissing events? That is what Washington is. It’s the belly of the beast. Be seen or be gone. It’s what power or connections do you have that can help me kind of vibe.”

“In other words it’s not me. Never has been, never will be,” she said leaning in for a kiss.

“All I want is to find a little place we can raise our baby in peace. As long as you are in that place… well that is the only kind of promotion/upgrade I am looking for,” she assured.

“But Hailey…” he started before she put her finger to his lips to stop him.

"You gain something, you give something up," she said with a smile. “Sometimes what you gain is so much bigger than what you give up, it doesn’t even register.”

Tears started to spill from Jay’s eyes. He would have never admitted it to her before, but the thought of living far away form Will and his family pulled at his heart.

They had become his emotional home too. The fact she understood that without him having to say a word, the fact she wanted to give that to him more than she wanted to elevate her own professional glory… well that’s why the tears fell so freely.

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The flight was a lot. Even the ever stoic one couldn’t hide how much pain he was in with all the jostling and sitting in the far too small and stiff airplane seat for so long.

Hailey held the vomit bag in front of him as he emptied out the contents of his stomach several times throughout the flight. The vomiting exacerbated the pain in his ribs and shoulders, making it harder to take deep enough breaths. His hips were screaming after sitting like that for so long.

She was a ball of nerves by the time they landed. So when Hailey saw Natalie and Jace standing by the luggage carousel holding up a handmade sign saying Welcome Home Aunt Hailey and Uncle Jay, she nearly collapsed into Natalie’s arms.

Jay was exhausted from exertion, pain, feeling so ill, but when he saw his greeting crew he lit up like a Christmas tree.

Jace ran up to Jay at full throttle. “Wooooow, Jace, take it easy. Remember Jay is still very much recovering,” Natalie cautioned.

He put the breaks on just in time to reach Jay’s wheelchair excitedly. “Owen didn’t want to come, but don’t worry Mom says he’s just angry it will pass,” Jace said as they made their way to the car.

Natalie embarrassed by her son’s candor, butt in quickly, “Jace, someone had to stay with Daddy. Jay everyone is really excited you are home.”

Jay just smiled.  He knew Owen was still hurting over Jay’s departure. He was a sullen, angry teenager once too.

He brushed it off and focused on the task in front of him.

Natalie and Hailey helped get him up on his good leg and spun him around into the car. Jace got into the backseat next to Hailey and began rattling off everything in the house that had gone awry since Jay left like the gardening and Cozy’s behavior.

It was a welcome soundtrack for the car ride. Jay couldn’t wait for them to get to know Hailey and vice versa.

He was home, he was really home. And he would do all in his power to make sure Seattle embraced Hailey with the same warmth.

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The Halstead brother reunion was as clumsy as they come. Jay was propped up on the big L-shaped couch right next to his convalescing brother. Both were resigned to stay put for the next several weeks.

Will’s own ailments didn’t stop him from mother henning his brother incessantly. If anything Will was so bored and restless, fussing over and irritating Jay was a thoroughly welcomed distraction. He was just lucky that Jay didn’t have any usable arms to throw objects at his head.

A visiting nurse came daily to help get the men to the bathroom, change their bandages, administer meds and meals as needed.

That didn’t stop them from trying to do things on their own.

“I need to take a piss,” Will said in exasperation an hour before the nurse was scheduled to arrive. “Me too,” Jay said eyeing his brother with that look.

They both hated using the portable toilets next to the couch. The smell from its contents would become overwhelming until the nurse came to empty the chambers. Without Natalie or Hailey in sight, they hatched a plan to relieve themselves properly.

Will slowly and painfully twisted and turned until he could sort of stand up hunched over. He hobbled over to Jay who leaned his head on his brother’s shoulder fighting his aching bodily objections. Somehow Jay made it to a standing position, favoring his good leg heavily. He hadn’t spent much time upright at all lately.

Will lay one hand on Jay’s shoulder and used the other to support his screaming side.

The duo leaned on one another as they clumsily micro shuffled their way to the bathroom at a snail’s pace.

Will was able to get his pants down a bit before the loose waistband gave way and they fell to the ground. He kept one hand on a hunched over Jay to keep steady as he relieved himself in the toilet.

He then turned and pulled down Jay’s pants. Will froze when he realized there was no graceful way to do the next step.

“You can’t be serious,” Jay said rolling his eyes.

“Bro, you have no hands so if you have a better idea…” Will correctly pointed out.

“Fine, just get this over with.”

They were bickering with one another the whole time, but got the job done. By the time they gingerly made it out of the bathroom they found an audience of two- Natalie and Hailey- hysterically laughing.

“Busted!!!” the women roared in laughter, as Jay and Will emerged holding each other completely hunched over with their pants at their ankles. Pulling them down was one thing, but up? That was a bridge too far with their injuries.

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For Owen and Jace the captive audience on the couch was a dream come true. Every day after school Owen would sit in the den to do his homework, Jace would build legos, blocks, and weave the men into his imagination games.

Movie nights, dinner on folding tables, board games, sports, sports, and more sports. The den became the center of family life and Hailey was happy to be swept up in the chaotic love that was Jay and the rest of the Halstead brood.

Homework help was comical. Will helped with Math and Science, useless with the other subjects. Jay was zero help with Math but had read all the books Owen was reading in English class. His book obsession from prison really paid some dividends in this arena. He also was helpful with studying for French tests as his penchant for languages shined.

Owen was still a little cautious around Jay. He wouldn’t engage directly but he would answer questions when asked politely and partake in group conversations and banter. Eye contact with his uncle was scarce.

The real magic of those first few weeks back in Seattle was reserved for Hailey with the Halstead’s. Remember all that awkwardness she felt around Alex’s family? Well this was a different story.

First of all Natalie and Hailey had the most natural rapport. They had the shared Chicago background, and the shared sisterhood of loving a Halstead brother. They were both relatively easy-going about the small stuff of day-to-day life and reveled in mocking Jay and Will endlessly. It didn’t hurt that Hailey was pregnant and her sister-in-law happened to be an OBGYN. Any ache, pain, or concern was quickly alleviated and met with a cup of tea and heart-to-heart discussion.

For her part, Natalie loved having them in the house. Will had struggled a lot in Jay’s absence. She loved having the happiest version of her husband present when Jay was around.

She also loved having another girl in the house. Natalie and Hailey would watch crummy reality TV together, laugh at the boys without end, and just enjoy growing closer as friends/sisters.

Will recovered first. After over 3 weeks he was cleared to walk around and slowly resume normal activities. It would be another 2 weeks until he returned to work which left him plenty of time to torture Jay with physical therapy on his leg and shoulders.

As much as they bickered and bitched at one another they were unspeakably happy to be together.

When they were younger that had to find their own way- Will in Africa and NY, Jay in the military and with Intelligence. Now they were in a different place. No longer looking to sow wild outs, they wanted to nourish solid intertwining roots. And they wanted to do it side-by-side.

Natalie hooked up Hailey with an OBGYN in her practice that she trusted and adored. Her pregnancy was progressing beautifully. She started her new job in Seattle shadowing the retiring Director and welcomed the grey and green that came with living the Pacific North West.

It suited her in ways she did not expect. Some people hated the rain and excessive grey days, but for Hailey it was comforting. There was a sadness in her bones from her childhood that felt welcomed in the soggy heaviness of the weather. Sure you had grey but it created a lush greenery she had never seen before. One could say that was a metaphor for her life – yeah she walked through the fire but look what was on the other side…

The simplicity of Jay’s life in Seattle embraced Hailey organically. It was easy. It flowed. It was as if a higher power intended it to be just this way.

It took a few more weeks until Jay was finally given clearance to ditch the immobilizers and to complete therapy to rebuild muscle and fully heal.

He reveled in being back with his family, he melted watching Hailey, Jace, and Owen fall in love too.

While Owen was slow to open up to Jay, he found a common language with Hailey pretty quickly.

She was the one – the one his mysterious and beloved uncle gave up everything to protect. He wanted to get to know the woman that inspired that kind of devotion. What magic did she hold?

Perhaps in getting to know Jay’s soulmate better, Owen could unlock another dimension of understanding his uncle- the man that taught him that not only could pain be turned into meaning and purpose, but that pain itself was a natural part of life. Jay taught him to lean into the discomfort of it all, not try to hide it.

Jay loved watching Hailey and Owen battle it out through scrabble and video games. The viscous cycle of loneliness he once experienced had been replaced by a virtuous one with the people he cherished most front and center.

One of Jay’s favorite moments of those first few months in Seattle was when he was healed enough to finally walk Hailey down to his shed. Owen had taken up residence there while he was away, a nonverbal way of communicating to Jay how much he missed him, how much he loved and respected him, despite their current angst.

“Wait you lived… in there?” she said with her jaw to her chest.

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As Hailey’s belly grew with each passing day, so did her and Jay’s connection and closeness.

That ever-increasing bond was facilitated by the fact that neither one was afraid to grapple with the hard stuff. They couldn’t pretend it didn’t happen, so they talked about it.

Jay opened to her about some aspects of prison. He felt like he had to- she had seen his medical reports-but he kept some of the soul crushing stuff to himself. It’s not that he didn’t trust her, it’s just some things that were better left unsaid. He knew if she understood the gravity of what he survived and true abyss of his loneliness, it would hurt her in ways he could not bear to witness. This wasn’t about Jay trying to hold it all on or be the tough guy and trudge through it alone. It was about maturity and grace and accepting that some things just had to be carried.

Hailey revealed to him how much she struggled in his absence. How she almost died because of his CI and the level of disorientation she was experiencing without her professional and soulful partner by her side. How leaving Chicago made her realize the unhealthy dynamics with Hank and if they both had stayed the toxic codependency would have only grown.

Jay sat and listened and treated Hailey’s retelling of her suffering with reverence. He had all the justifications in the world for his choices on the one hand, but he never fully appreciated what his actions did to her. He couldn’t – to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the team, he had to shut the rest out. He simply didn’t have the luxury or the bandwidth to really consider the depths of the pain he caused.

Until now.

She opened about Alex and apologized dozens of times for the abuse he had to endure because of him. Of course, Jay didn’t blame her in the slightest.

All he knew for sure is what happened back then led to right now. Jay, Hailey, their incubating baby, their quiet, happy life in Seattle.

Over several months these conversations continued, evolved, and veered into little, tiny crevasses of their hearts.

Healing and moving forward from what they had been through would be a lifelong process. One that taken day by day didn’t have to be daunting. It was real, it was whatever any long-time love required, just on a more intense scale than average.

They also began making longer term plans.

As much as they loved being with everyone, Jay and Hailey knew they couldn’t stay with Will and Natalie forever. They wanted to stay close but affording that neighborhood would be tricky.

Jay really didn’t care about the house. He wanted Hailey to be happy. His one desire was to have access to the water as it played a pivotal role in his healing and he suspected it would be a grounding force for all of them.

It didn’t take long for them to hit paydirt. It wasn’t much from the looks of it. A cozy, 3-bedroom house with all the nooks and crannies of an older home. Hailey loved its vintage charm and giant windows with sweeping views. It was on a lovely piece of land right on the sound. The house itself was much smaller than the other Halstead compound, but the views were arguably even more magnificent.  It needed work but Jay was confident he could to most of it himself especially as he began to find his strength again. With the baby due in only 16 weeks, it would be a tight turnaround.

Lucky for them amount of work it needed was a turn off to other buyers. After a little negotiation their offer was accepted.

Watching Hailey joyfully jangling the keys to THEIR new home, less than a ten-minute walk or a or a 5-minute boat ride to Natalie’s and Will’s house, with her taut swollen belly on full display…  our broken-winged bird was realizing that maybe he wasn’t so broken anymore.

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Jay finally was well enough to get back to woodworking, gardening, fiddling, fixing…

He had many projects to conquer on the new house and had lots of work to do on Will and Natalie’s too.

“You guys let me garden get wild,” he complained to their amusement as he saw how many weeds had infested the tulip beds.

While the boys were at school and the adults at work, Jay would work on the new house and projects at the main Halstead compound. Hailey showed him a few inspiration photos of what she liked, and he took it from there. He noticed she kept selecting photos with similar color palettes. He followed her vision and went with whites, greens, blues, and cremes throughout the house.

Boy did it feel good to be working with his hands again. For all the same reasons physical activity helped him out of prison, the work and the exertion grounding. A return to the version of himself where he found the most peace. The place where he could slowly and methodically work through his grief and trauma.

He poured his heart out into the work on the house. It was the physical manifestation of his life and future with Hailey. In his wildest dreams while in prison or that first year in Seattle he could not have conjured this reality.

He began picking up Jace from school and acting as an Uber for Owen to and from practices again.

Jace was all in. He was this happy go lucky kid who got one of his best buddies back and couldn’t have been happier. Owen was polite, but there was still something thick in the air when they were together.

Jay noticed that some of his post incarceration anxieties were still lurking. He was unusually anxious about punctuality. He had thought he was making progress with his obsession around time given his excitement about impending fatherhood. He reveled in counting down the days and weeks of Hailey’s pregnancy. However, being back to real life showed him that the pernicious grip time held over him had not yet let go. If he was even 1 minute late, his cortisol levels would cause intense anxiety.

He began showing up early. Like stupid early. He was often the first parent/guardian on the pick-up line as a result.