Chapter Text
“We’re really doing this double date nonsense?” Reece asked.
“Given all that want is to make us happy, I think throwing them a bone is the least we can do” Autumn shrugged.
“I suppose we should consider ourselves lucky we have that we’ve got two people who wanna make us happy so badly” Reece conceded.
“It won’t be that bad, as long as there’s plenty of wine” Autumn looked away from her brother, not wanting to see him.
“Yeah, we should probably address that at some point” Reece said.
“Address what?” Autumn fixed her brother with a hard stare.
“Your rather unhealthy coping mechanism” Reece raised his eyebrows in concern. Autumn raised one eyebrow at her brother.
“Your love of the old glug glug” Reece continued.
“Would you rather I open up to you about my feelings?” Autumn asked.
Reece looked shocked. “Jesus no. I’ll make sure Marjorie has wine, like on tap for you that night”.
“Good” Autumn raised her eyebrows and sadly looked down, trying not to showcase her hurt. She hadn’t drunk wine for a while, not since she found out she was pregnant. The fact that her brother would rather her drink wine, drown her feelings rather than opening up hurt. The gardener’s apprentice walked in and started talking to Reece, allowing Autumn a few moments to gather herself. Outwardly, she never showed any feelings of hurt, instead bottling it all up inside which she knew was unhealthy, but she didn’t know what else to do. Nobody had cared before and everyone always left, so Autumn felt it was better for her to keep it to herself.
The double date came and went, Autumn bringing non-alcoholic wine instead (it would’ve been too suspicious had she not turned up with any wine), which wasn’t quite as bad as she expected, especially with Marjorie’s sober dancing on the table. She figured nine months without wine would probably do her good. That was, until she had to reprimand Daisy for the peekaboo situation, and as Autumn glared at Marjorie until she left she felt something. Not the usual nausea, and she’d had mild implantation cramps but this was worse. Autumn frowned, grabbing her stomach. Something didn’t feel right. The cramp made her feel nauseous, and Autumn ran towards the toilet behind Charlotte.
“Charlotte, move” Autumn grunted.
“Sorry Autumn” Charlotte murmured as the younger woman ran ahead to the toilet, Charlotte frowning as she left the door open. She’d guessed that Autumn was pregnant a few weeks back and could tell that she was having a hard time with morning sickness, almost too much of a hard time. Charlotte winced as she saw Autumn grab the toilet bowl, not even bothering to close the door before she was violently sick. Charlotte turned back briefly, she wasn’t in ratio so wasn’t needed for a few more minutes, but on the other hand she wasn’t sure how long Autumn would be in the bathroom for. It seemed as of late that Autumn was always in the bathroom. Charlotte turned back, going to the office to grab a cup and some tissues, she filled the cup with water and went back to the bathroom, leaving the cup by the sink.
“Autumn?” Charlotte asked as she knocked on the door. “Are you okay?”
Autumn cleared her throat, bringing a hand to her stomach with a frown. Something didn’t feel right. “I’m fine, Charlotte”.
“I’ve left a water on the sink for you, sorry do you mind if I just use the loo?”
“That’s fine, that’s what they’re here for” Autumn said, frowning as another sharp pain ran through her stomach. Autumn inhaled sharply, pinching the bridge of her nose, willing for it to stop. She heard Charlotte shuffling around, closing her eyes against the pain. Autumn grabbed the toilet once more as she felt her stomach swirling, gagging as the bile rose in her throat, her stomach cramping as it tried to expel all its contents.
“Do you want me to get Winter or Marjorie?” Charlotte asked.
“No” Autumn insisted as she stuck her head down the toilet once more. “It’s fine”.
“I’ll get you a drink” Charlotte said. She left another glass of water on the sink before leaving Autumn alone in the bathroom. After throwing up a few more times, Autumn stood up with her hand on her stomach. The pain had seemed to go, so maybe it was just something she ate. She smiled, grateful to Charlotte for leaving the glasses of water on the sink and took a large gulp, swirling it around before spitting it out to rid herself of the horrible taste. Hopefully, that was it. After rinsing her mouth and drinking some of the water, Autumn returned to the office and sat in her chair. She felt another mild cramp but ignored it, focusing on her work instead.
At the end of the day, Winter came to the office where Autumn was still sat at her desk.
“You alright Winter?” Marjorie greeted with a smile.
“Yes, thank you Marjorie. How are you?”
“I’ve just got to finish off a few more bits then I can head home for the night”.
“Come on, my darling” Winter smiled. “Let’s go home”.
“It’s home time?” Autumn yawned, rubbing her eyes. “At last”.
“Do you want me to drive tonight?” Winter asked, a hint of concern in his voice. While he knew Autumn had been extremely tired as of late, it was slightly concerning that she was barely awake.
“Yes” Autumn nodded tiredly as she stood, using the desk to steady herself before she grabbed all her belongings, walking out to the car with Winter. Autumn frowned as she sat in the passenger seat, a sharp pain running through her stomach once more.
“Are you okay, my love?” Winter asked.
Autumn didn’t answer and hunched over in pain, opening the car door to vomit.
“Good lord” Winter murmured as he went over to help Autumn, with tissues and the small bottle of mouthwash she’d taken to carrying around with her. It took them a little while longer than anticipated to leave the nursery, but it didn’t take long for Autumn and Winter to arrive home. Autumn went straight up to the bedroom then the en-suite, which was unusual as she tended to help Winter unload the car normally. Winter frowned, following Autumn up to the bathroom. She’d left the door closed and locked it, Winter frowned and knocked.
“My darling?” Winter asked. “Is everything okay?”
“I’m bleeding” Autumn whispered, her face void of all colour. They were nearly sixteen weeks along now, while there were still some lingering symptoms like morning sickness, they thought they were out of the danger zone.
The next night was one of the hardest in Autumn and Winter’s relationship. Both Autumn and Winter hardly slept, tossing and turning all night. The bleeding became heavier and the pain more intense, while Autumn was trying to avoid taking any medication in pregnancy she had to take two paracetamol and two ibuprofen. The bathroom had blood on the floor even though it had been wiped and there was blood on Autumn’s pyjama bottoms, the smell metallic. There was too much blood. By the time the morning had rolled around, Winter had to phone Marjorie and take Autumn to the hospital. They went to the emergency department, where Autumn and Winter were made to wait on the chairs with a disposable bed pad, waiting. They waited for twenty minutes before the doctor called them through, and after talking for a few minutes left.
“I’m scared” Autumn whispered as she gripped Winter’s hand.
“I know” Winter replied, kissing Autumn’s forehead. He didn’t want to admit it, but he was scared too. He’d never seen so much blood and it looked like Autumn was becoming more and more pale by the hour, if not minute. The doctor knocked on the door and Winter answered for him to come in.
“It is a lot of bleeding and you’ve got a mild fever, so we’re referring you to the pregnancy clinic” the doctor said. “They’re expecting you, we can let you go through the internal route up to a certain point as the women’s department is in a different area of the hospital”. Autumn nodded, her and Winter silent following the murse, brown doors, white walls and trolleys lining the A&E corridors.
“This is as far as I can take you internally” the nurse said. “Follow the signs to the early pregnancy unit, it’s just up one floor”.
“Thank you” Winter said, looking at Autumn with concern. She was looking down, her shoulders hunched over and eyes glassy. He noticed it was something she’d do when upset, become withdrawn and not talk. After more waiting rooms, Autumn and Winter were taken for a scan. As with the twelve week scan, Autumn lay down on the couch and pulled her leggings down slightly and Winter’s hoodie up, not having to drink one litre of water beforehand like she did then as she was now further along. Autumn kept her eyes on the screen, not saying anything to the doctor scanning her apart from confirming her full name, date of birth and that she was fifteen weeks pregnant before the scan begun. The room was silent and dark apart from the light of the screen, the doctor clicking and zooming in on some parts, flatline on the monitor.
“I’ll need a second opinion” the doctor said. “I’ll be back in a moment”.
“It’s not good news” Autumn said as she looked to the screen and back to Winter. “It’s not good news”. Winter didn’t say anything, and squeezed Autumn’s hand
The doctor returned with another doctor, who looked at the screen. They looked at the screen and then back at Autumn.
“There’s no heartbeat” the doctor said. “I’m going to chat to one of the nurses to go through your options with you”.
Autumn nodded, sitting up and wiping the gel off her stomach with paper towels. She lowered Winter’s hoodie and pulled her leggings up over the slight bump she had.
“I knew it wasn’t good news” Autumn murmured as she sat in the chair next to winter. “I knew it”. Winter didn’t say anything and kissed Autumn’s forehead, frowning at how warm she felt.
“You feel really warm” Winter commented.
“They said I have a mild fever” Autumn murmured. “So that’s not unexpected”. After a few moments, the doctor re-entered the room and sat down at the desk.
Autumn stared ahead, not blinking nor saying anything. Winter tried to keep his face from crumpling as he looked to Autumn.
“You now have two options” the doctor said. “Option one is expectant management, where we do nothing. Option two is called medical management, where you’ll take some tablets to speed things along and then have to give birth”.
“Can’t I have surgery?” Autumn asked.
“At your gestational age it’s not recommended, as there are more risks. The options are to wait and see, but due to the bleeding you’ll have to stay in hospital, or be induced”.
“There’s no point in just waiting” Autumn pointed out. “I want to be induced”.
“Very well” the doctor said. Winter and Autumn were taken to the delivery unit, at the top end of it where there was a separate area with two private rooms that had an en-suite. There was a bed in the middle, but no cot. The bedsheets were crisp and white, the further side with a railing up. Winter and Autumn were made to wait for a midwife, being asked if they’d want a student or not, which Autumn declined. It was all too much, and she wanted as few people as possible involved.
The midwife explained the process of how autumn would have to be induced, Autumn would first have a cervical examination that would determine what medication would be required.
“Have you decided what you’ll like to do?” the midwife asked. “Would you like to see the baby?”
Autumn and Winter looked at one another.
“Some people find it helpful to see the baby and make some memories with them” the midwife explained.
“Whatever Autumn decides, I’m happy with” Winter said.
“Okay” Autumn nodded. “Yes, I’d like to see the baby”.
“Well first do a speculum examination to determine what medication you’ll need before we begin the process”.
“Very well” Autumn said. She had to lie down on the bed, with her heels pressed together and pelvis tilted upwards as they conducted their exam. The midwife said that they would soon be able to start the induction process without mifepristone, as Autumn was already beginning to dilate so only needed misoprostol. The midwife left the room to get the medication, leaving Autumn and Winter alone.
“Winter, it hurts” Autumn whimpered. She gripped his hand as she pulled her legs up and pushed her chin to her chest. “Something’s happening”.
“Nurse!” Winter shouted. “Something wrong”.
“Winter” Autumn whimpered again. “I need you”.
“I’m here my sweet” Winter whispered, kissing Autumn’s forehead. The nurse came running into the room, took one look at Autumn and then an alarm went off. Several other nurses and doctors ran into the room.
“Delivery imminent” the doctor said. “You need to push”.
Autumn groaned as the urge to push overcame her.
“Winter, I can’t. I can’t do it”.
Winter whispered encouragements as Autumn whimpered. He’d never thought he’d see Autumn like that, so vulnerable and broken. Autumn kept her chin to her chest and held her breath as she pushed.
“Don’t hold your breath” the midwife said. “Keep breathing”.
Autumn bit her lip as she continued pushing. It hurt, it hurt too much. Then, it was over. The room was silent. Winter didn’t want to look, but he knew there was blood on the sheets. Autumn wept into Winter’s chest, and the medical professionals buzzed around the room. Once the placenta was delivered, Autumn and winter were given the chance to see and hold the baby. During their time together, they’d been through hard times. But nothing was as hard as loosing a baby together.
As Autumn sat in the bar the next day, nothing mattered anymore. All she knew was that the baby she was in charge of keeping alive was gone, she’d failed to do the one thing a mother should do. She swirled the wine around her glass, drinking it in one gulp and leaving a small amount at the bottom of the glass. She knocked the glass over, noticing the red liquid spill out, the red liquid a lot like blood. The blood she’d spilled, her blood, her baby, the baby she and Winter were going to have in November. The seventeen year old girl who she’d caused to miscarry. The constant nausea was gone and Autumn missed it, wondering how many glasses of wine she’d need to have that feeling back.