Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

May 2nd, 2005

      It had been 30 years to the day. Castiel silently wished Sam a happy birthday, but after everything that had happened…he could never say it to his face. After all, this was all his fault, even if Sam would never know that. The guilt ate away at his heart. He knew one day that he would have to tell Sam, he’d have to tell everyone. But today was not that day.

    He pulled a chair up to his computer and began to type the interview into the search bar. He knew it would hurt to rewatch, it always did. As he looked for the video, he passed by articles and articles of people theorizing who Dean Winchester was in love with. Most of them suggested Lisa Braeden. They wouldn’t exactly be wrong, Dean did love her, but he wasn’t in love with her. 

   He finally found a video and hesitated a moment before deciding to click on it. It pained Castiel to see Dean again, even if it was just a memory from the past. His smile was exactly how he remembered it, the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen. For the first few minutes, the interviewer asked basic questions about the movies Dean had been in and his plans for the future. Things had only gotten interesting once the interviewer hesitated before asking a question. “Something on your mind?” Dean asked playfully. 

  “I don’t mean to overstep my boundaries, but, we all know you’ve been with quite a lot of women in the past, Mr.Winchester.” The interviewer stated. Dean kept his voice light, only Cas could’ve picked up the irritation as he said, “continue.” The interviewer nodded his head before carefully asking, “have you ever been in love with any of them? Anyone that sticks out to you?”

  Dean’s eyes widened, “Mamma Mia, that is quite the loaded question!” Cas couldn’t help but let out a broken laugh, to everyone else, that was Dean just being himself. He always liked to use fun expressions, that was just who he was. But to Cas, it was an, “i still love you.” To Cas, it was everything. 

  Dean continued, “yes, yes I have. She- she was my everything. I think some part of me, maybe even all of me, is still in love.” He stuttered over the ‘she,’ a detail no one would pick up on, and even if they did, they’d think nothing of it.  The interviewer’s eyes lit up, “can you tell us who this mystery woman is?” He was so obviously desperate to break the story, it clearly annoyed Dean. 

  Dean shook his head, “no, no, I can’t. She knows who she is and that’s enough. I do have one final message for her though.” The interviewer’s disappointment quickly switched back into curiosity, “oh, and what is that?”  

Dean blinked away a few tears, “I’m sorry.”

Chapter Text

May 2nd, 1976

      Castiel wasn’t usually one for parties. Unfortunately, tonight he was being dragged to Sam Winchester’s birthday party. He didn’t know much about Sam, besides the fact his brother was a movie star, and that his birthday was today. He and his…acquaintance, Crowley, were running about an hour late already, and Crowley wouldn’t quit pestering him about it. The party was being held about 30 minutes away from Stanford University; at one of the Winchesters' many, many beach houses. For the entire drive, Crowley was pestering Cas, not only about how late they were running, but he also wanted him to go faster, wanted him to take a shortcut, wanted him to play different music. “Please remind me why I agreed to come with you again.”

   Crowley chuckled, “because I am insanely persuasive, and no matter how much you hate to admit it, you like me." Castiel glared at him in response. The truth was, he had absolutely no idea why he’d agreed to come, much less agree to give Crowley a ride. It certainly wasn’t because he liked Crowley, so what was it? Maybe it was because it was his last year, maybe it was because he just wanted to stop feeling so disconnected from everyone else. He had spent his entire college career with his head in a book, constantly striving to be perfect. Maybe for one night he just wanted to let all of that go. Nobody would really know him there, sure, they’d recognize him but they wouldn’t know him. They wouldn’t really care either. Tonight was his chance to finally, for once in his life, have fun. 

   He had the entire drive to convince himself that this was a good idea, and also he’d had all day, and the day before that. He couldn’t seem to ever fully reassure himself that it was, in fact,  a good idea. His mind kept running through every possible scenario that could happen, and how all of them would end badly for him. He was only vaguely aware that Crowley hadn’t stopped talking and he was still yammering on about something or another, but Cas couldn’t pay attention to anything, much less something he cared nothing about. 

   He parked the car and entirely regretted his choice to come as he stepped out and the very ground he walked on vibrated from the music thumping inside. “This was a horrible idea,” Cas grumbled to himself. He shouldn’t have come, he didn’t belong, he knew that. But, even then, he still didn’t get back into the car. 

    The other car door slammed and out stepped the boy he’d come with. Crowley joined him, linking their arms together and smugly joking, “you’re my date to the prom, Cassie.” Castiel scowled at him, yanking his arm away and heading into the house as Crowley called out from behind him, “your loss!” 

   As Castiel slipped through the front door, it was as if he had been transported to an entirely new world. The house was filled with people singing along to some song Castiel didn’t recognize, but it’s not like he knew many songs at all. Lights were flashing from all over the place, it was impossible to make out who anyone was. He was being pushed around throughout the crowd, he felt like a fish out of water. Everything about this place was overwhelming, why did people like parties so much? He desperately needed a drink, if he could find the kitchen. He tried to push his way through people for about 10 seconds before he ultimately decided to head back outside and head home, he could at least say he tried to attend a party in his college career. He was desperate to find his way back out the door, but it was if the crowd was an ever shifting maze. 

    He was being pushed around in every direction, he couldn’t make out which way was which. Had everyone and their mother come to this party? Cas had heard rumors that Sam’s brother was coming, he was sure at least half the people were here to see him. No offense towards Sam, he was popular, sure, but not this many people really cared to come to his birthday party. They were either here just for the drinks, or they were here to see Dean Winchester in the flesh. He silently cursed that man for being so famous as he continued to try and make his way through the crowd. 

   He had made some progress when he was stopped short by a girl grabbing his arm. She drunkenly giggled at him, “hiya, handsome.” He tried to pull his arm back but her grip was surprisingly strong. “Uhm, hello.” He replied, trying to manage a polite smile, which was difficult in this highly uncomfortable situation. She closed the distance between them so she could hear him better, pushing herself entirely up against him. “Do you need something?” He asked, his voice was shaking with uncertainty, he had absolutely no idea how to talk to girls. She ignored his question, asking one of her own, “do you like Abba?” His face scrunched in confusion, but before he could ask for clarification, she gave it. “The band playing. I think they’re pretty good.” He nodded and shrugged his shoulders, “I’d never heard of them until right now.”

   Suddenly, all of the voices hushed and everyone pushed each other to the sides, clearing a space for…who knows what? Castiel didn’t, nor did he care, this was his chance. He pushed his way out into the clearing and away from the girl. As he began to make his way to the front door, it swung open and in walked Dean Winchester. And Castiel was in his way. It was as if a spotlight had been shined upon him, well, him and Dean. They were the only two in the clearing. Dean tilted his head to the side, looking Cas up and down as if he was studying him. Every little murmur stopped at once, only leaving the music to be heard. Just one look and I can hear a bell ring! 

   Dean’s voice yelled out, loud and clear, “Come on, folks, don’t stop the party for me!” Castiel swore he saw a few girls faint over him right then and there.  One more look and I forget everything, whoa! Now that he was listening, he could hear the music quite clearly. Dean closed the distance between them as everybody else seemed to file back into place, sticking out his hand and smiling at him. He did have quite a nice smile, Cas took his hand and shook it. Mamma mia, here I go again! “Dean Winchester!” Dean called over the music, introducing himself, definitely knowing everyone at that party already knew him. 

     “I know!” Castiel called back, which got a smirk from Dean. 

   “I know you know.” Dean said as he was shoved up right against Cas, no longer having to yell. “You got a name yourself?” Dean asked, trying to dance the best he could, which was not very well. “Castiel.” Cas replied. Dean nodded, “You got a last name, Cas? Can I call you Cas?” 

    “Novak! And, I guess so!” Cas shouted back as they were once again separated.

   “Well, Castiel Novak, it’s nice to meet you! Are you alright? You’re not looking too hot, no offense.”

   “I’m okay! It’s just- this is kind of my first party, ever.” Cas couldn’t believe he’d just admitted that to a celebrity, he was sure Dean was going to laugh in his face. 

  Dean’s jaw dropped, “you poor thing! How about this, I can be your guide! Sound good to you?” 

  “Sure!” Castiel responded. Dean grinned in response before dragging him towards the back of the house. He seemed to know his way around quite well, which made sense, it was his house. They made their way out to the back deck and the fresh air felt like, well, a breath of fresh air. Only a few people sat huddled up together on the wicker-made couch, only two of them recognizable. Sam Winchester and Jessica Moore sat next to each other on the end of the couch, Jessica’s head leaning against Sam as he wrapped his arm around her. “There’s the birthday boy!” Dean announced loudly, turning all the attention to himself. Sam’s cheeks flushed as he got up to give his brother a hug. “Do you have to embarass me every time you see me, Dean?”

   “Nah, I don’t have to, I just like to. Anyways, I made a new friend already! His name is Castiel.” Dean replied cheerfully, patting his brother on the back before going to hug Jessica. She giggled as she gave Dean a little slap on the arm, “your new friend looks thrilled to be hanging out with you.” She said sarcastically.

  “Who wouldn’t be thrilled to hang out with me?” Dean questioned, to which Sam raised his hand in response. Dean glared at him, slapping it down, which got a chuckle out of both Sam and Jess. Castiel had been at this party approximately 5 minutes and he had somehow been dragged into hanging out with a celebrity, a celebrity who was quite childish, he might add. It was either this or Crowley, and he had to remind himself anything was better than hanging out with Crowley. Still, his social anxiety was screaming at him to run away. The conversation carried on without Cas as he sunk deeper and deeper into his thoughts, completely zoning out. He was probably just there for a few seconds, but to him it felt like years had passed. He was yanked back into reality when Jess turned her attention towards him, “So how did you two lovebirds meet?”

   Dean furrowed his brow, “Lovebirds?” But he was ignored as Cas spoke over him, desperate to just get the sentence out, praying he wouldn’t stumble over his words and embarrass himself in front of a movie star, “uhm, well, I was heading out the door when he walked in, I was in his way.” They all nodded, he couldn’t tell if they were pitying him or not. Nobody really said anything until Sam let out a small chuckle, seemingly coming to a realization, “Wait, you said you were walking out of the door? You were leaving?” 

   Cas’ eyes widened, “No, no, it’s not like that! This party is great, I was just going out for some air-” Sam shook his head and put his hand up to stop him. “No, it’s fine if you were, parties aren’t really my thing either, this was a surprise. I just feel bad this douchebag pulled you back in.” He said, nodding his head towards Dean. Dean threw his arms out in confusion, “if he wanted to leave, he should’ve told me.” He said defensively, then looked back at Cas and added, “I’m sorry, man.” 

  Cas quickly repeated, “I wasn’t going to leave, it’s okay, really.” Then, for safe measures he continued, “I can’t leave, actually, I brought someone with me, I’m their ride.” Dean raised an eyebrow in curiosity, grinning at him. Cas glanced at him, clearly confused. “You brought someone? Like a date?” Dean asked, a suggestive edge to his voice. Cas immediately began to shake his head, “no, no, it is nothing like that. Honestly, we’re not even really friends, he just needed a ride and I'm nice. Uh, it’s Crowley Macleod.” The name meant nothing to Dean, but both Sam and Jess’ jaws dropped. 

   “Fergus?” Jess asked, doing an awfully good impression of Crowley’s Scottish mother, Rowena, who was a professor at the college. Cas chucked, and Dean let out a confused laugh in turn. “Anybody gonna explain the joke to me?” He questioned. Sam took a sip of his beer, “yeah, uh, he’s a dickwad who everyone hates. His mom is a teacher and even she hates him, she refuses to call him Crowley, though, calls him by his first name, Fergus. But, yeah, Cas is nice if he let Crowley ride with him.” Dean nodded in response. 

   Jess’ eyes widened in shock as she seemed to remember something, “Have you heard the rumors?” Sam shook his head and Dean eyed her curiously, motioning his hand for her to continue. She lowered her voice and checked to make sure no one was listening before she started, “I heard from a friend of a friend that not only has he been around to almost every girl on the block, he’s also been with some of the guys too.” Sam furrowed his brows in confusion, “wait a second, are you saying he’s gay?” Dean looked as if he had just been shot hearing the word. They all turned their attention to him and Sam rolled his eyes, “dude, it’s not the 20’s anymore. You’ll survive.” 

   Dean didn’t respond and a few seconds of awkward silence passed before Jess finished with, “I mean, even if he is, I don’t care. Love is love!” She cheerfully raised her drink in the air, her words slurring slightly as the alcohol finally began to work its way into her system. Sam and Cas both chuckled a bit, but Dean seemed to be entirely in his own world. Sam patted him on the back before grabbing Jess’ hand and beginning to walk away, “Alright, well, I’m gonna go enjoy my party, I’ll see you two later. Uh, bye, Dean.” Dean gave a faint smile and nodded, but he didn’t seem to exactly process the words. 

   “That was a quick conversation.” Cas added once they were gone. Dean nodded, seemingly being yanked back into reality. “Yeah, uh, Sammy and I aren’t exactly best friends.” He explained. Cas nodded, but he was still confused. He had quite a few questions but he didn’t want to overstep his boundaries. After a few seconds of silent nodding, Dean finally just said, “ask.” Cas pretended not to be startled by how Dean knew what he was thinking and instead cleared his throat before beginning to speak. “I mean, you drove 5 hours from L.A to come to his birthday party, I’m just surprised you two don’t seem to be that close.”

    Dean shrugged. He was nervous he’d upset him with the statement after a painfully long awkward silence. That was until his entire demeanor changed, seemingly for no reason. Cas looked at him, a confused expression painting his face. Dean looked back at him, seemingly ecstatic. “Dude, I love this song! Do you wanna dance with me?” He had absolutely no idea what the song was, but for some reason, seeing Dean happy made him happy. Cas let out a chuckle, “that’s not how you ask a lady to dance.” Dean rolled his eyes as he grabbed Cas’ hand and pulled him back inside. This time, for some reason, he didn’t feel so lost as he walked back into the chaos of the party. He felt unimaginably and inexplicably safe with Dean. 

  Dean stopped short and used his hold on Cas’ hand to twirl him, a wild and honest laugh escaping him. He was grinning from ear to ear and so was Dean. Dean began to poorly sing along with whatever song was playing, it was the loveliest sound he’d ever heard. Cas had absolutely no idea how to dance, but he didn’t feel judged by Dean. They were both horrible at dancing, but it was nice to be horrible together. It was only until a few days later that Cas had realized he not only didn’t hate the party, but it was some of the most fun he’d had in his life, and it was all thanks to Dean. 

   As they were dancing, all of the lights hit Dean just right and he looked almost ethereal, too good to be true. Castiel had never really been interested in talking to girls, and he’d never understood why until that exact moment. The utter and exact moment he knew he would fall in love with Dean Winchester, if he hadn’t already. Just as the song ended, Dean twirled him one last time before dipping him. 

  They couldn’t break their eyes from one another, it seemed like they were the only two people in the room. Like they were the only two people in the universe. The next song came on and Dean slowly raised Cas up, awkwardly laughing before stating, “this song sucks.” Cas chuckled, “yeah, do you, uh, wanna go back outside?” Dean nodded, and just like, whatever moment they had had was gone. 

  The crowd seemed to clear around Dean, giving him the perfect path back to the back deck. Cas felt like he had gone through whiplash, the mood had changed 3 times in 3 minutes, it was hard to keep up. Hanging out with Dean was like being on a rollercoaster and he wasn’t entirely sure he was ready to get off. He wasn’t sure he would ever be. The two had just met, and Cas was already wishing they had met sooner.

  The pair made their way outside, but Dean didn’t stop at the deck, he headed down the stairs and out to the beach. Cas followed him in confusion before Dean stopped dead in his tracks and turned to face him, a serious expression on his face. Cas began to panic, “what? What’s wrong?” Dean sighed before beginning, “it’s just…” a grin began to make its way onto Dean’s face before he yelled, “you’re it!” He started giggling before running off, leaving Cas absolutely dumbfounded. 

  “That is absolutely not fair! You cheater!” Cas called out before beginning to run after him. It was surprisingly hard to run in sand, especially with your shoes on. Cas attempted to kick one of them off, accidentally launching it directly at Dean’s head. “Dude!” Dean yelled at him, tossing the shoe back at Cas. They both began to laugh, Cas falling back into the sand with a smile spread across his entire face. If anyone was watching them, they probably assumed they were both drunk out of their minds, but they were stone cold sober. “It’s hot.” Dean said, fanning himself for the extra dramatics. “That’s your own fault for running in summer.” Cas replied, sitting back up and taking off his other shoe, just in case Dean had another surprise game of Tag. “It’s not summer, it’s May.” Dean argued back to which Cas rolled his eyes. 

  Suddenly, Dean’s eyes lit up and he excitedly took off his shirt, throwing it into the sand. “Let’s swim.” He said, a devious edge creeping into his voice that made Cas laugh. “Whatever you say.” Cas said, throwing his shirt next to Dean’s. Dean extended a hand to help him get up, their eyes lingering on each other a moment too long once Cas stood next to him. 

   Dean cleared his throat before declaring, “any shorts can become swim-shorts if you swim in them.” 

   Cas laughed, “okay, buddy.” 

   Dean gasped, “don’t ‘buddy’ me!” Castiel began to respond before Dean picked him up and started running towards the water, dunking him in. Cas came up gasping for air, partially from being dunked under water, partially from laughing too hard. Dean dropped him into the water, and Castiel unsuccessfully tried to pull Dean with him. The water was cool against his skin, the waves gently crashed into him, knocking him back down as he tried to get up. Dean started to laugh at him just as another wave came and knocked him flat off his feet. They both couldn’t stop laughing, even as it began to hurt, they just couldn’t stop. Being around each other, it just felt so good. Dean would never tell Cas this, but he felt more free around him than anyone else. Cas told Dean quite frequently that he was the person he felt the happiest around. 

  Cas didn’t think he had laughed this hard in ages, maybe even ever. They went on for that almost the whole night, jumping into waves and playing Marco Polo or any other game Dean could come with. They eventually crawled their way up onto shore, absolutely exhausted. They almost felt hungover, though neither of them had been drunk. Their whole bodies ached from their laughter, their faces sore from smiling too hard. They both silently agreed to just lay in the sand for a while, not saying a word for ages. Dean finally broke the silence with a sigh, “y’know, Cas, I really like you.” Cas couldn’t help but let a grin slip across his face. They both fell asleep under the stars, and they both dreamt of each other.

—

   Castiel woke up as he felt someone stand over him. He grudgingly cracked his eyes open to see Sam standing over him and quietly laughing. He watched as Sam crouched next to Dean and yelled, “Good morning!” In a sing-songy voice, only to immediately get punched in the face as Dean jumped up. Both Castiel and another voice began to laugh. He turned to see Jessica on the other side of him, giggling behind her hand. “That is not funny.” Sam said, rubbing the side of his face where Dean punched him. “It kinda is.” Jess replied and gave him a quick kiss on the cheek before helping Cas up. 

  “I feel like I’ve been to war.” Dean said, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. Cas dusted the sand off of him and yawned, “you kinda look like it, too.” Dean grumbled putting his hand up for someone to pull him up, which Cas did. “What time is it?” Dean asked, going to grab his and Cas’ shirts. “Like, one o’clock.” Jess replied. Both Dean and Cas’s jaws dropped. “We slept that long? And nobody woke us up?” Dean asked, quickly slipping his shirt on and tossing the other one to Cas. He wasn’t going to point out that Dean had put on the wrong shirt. Instead,  he put on Dean’s shirt and was surprised at how well it fit.

  “Well, nobody knew where you were.” Sam said before his face went into shock, “neither of you smell like alcohol. Dean, did you go the whole night without drinking?”

 Dean shrugged, “yeah, so? I’m not an alcoholic, Sammy.” Cas put out his hand, completely ignoring whatever Dean had just said, “wait, it’s one? Is anybody even here?” Sam and Jess both shook their heads, “nope, everybody left hours ago.” He questioned where Crowley had gone off to, but it was Crowley, so he was probably fine.

   Castiel quickly found his shoes, “I should definitely be going, I’m sorry if I overstayed my welcome.” Sam shook his head, “no, it’s completely fine. It’s just, Jess and I were about to go back home, so we needed to make sure you guys weren’t dead.” 

  Dean cut in, “well, you guys can all head home, I’ll make sure everything’s clean so dad doesn’t kill us.” 

 Sam gave him a curious look, “are you sure?”

 Dean nodded, “yeah, I’m not exactly ecstatic about my five hour drive back home.” Sam nodded, but was clearly suspicious. He didn’t ask anymore questions, just said, “well, bye. It was nice to meet you Cas, and uh, Dean, I’d hug you but you’re covered in sand.” Dean nodded once more and Cas murmured a goodbye to Sam and Jess. 

 “When I said ‘you guys’ that included you.” Dean said, slipping his own shoes back on before heading back into the house, Castiel trailing him. “I know, I just,” Cas hesitated before continuing, “thank you for last night. It was the most fun I’ve had in a while.” Dean let a small smile slip as he said, “yeah, me too.” His eyes suddenly lit up and he ran into another room, coming back with a pen and a piece of paper, quickly writing something down. “I typically only give my numbers to the ladies but, I think I can make an exception.” Dean smirked, handing the paper to Cas. He pretended not to be absolutely giddy as he said, “thank you.” 

  After a few moments of silence, Dean finally said, “goodbye, Cas.” He didn’t think he imagined the disappointment in his voice. “Oh, don’t say goodbye, I’m gonna call you later.” Cas replied.

  “Well, then, see you later, alligator.” Dean corrected. 

 “After a while, crocodile.”