Archive of Our Own ^beta

Hitomi despises Manaka's boyfriend. She's been keeping his identity under wraps, so all Hitomi really knows right now is that he's an older man — like way older than them. She's worried that Manaka might not be…making the wisest decision.

Then again, Hitomi could just be jealous. After all, she's in love with Manaka — and she’s never said a word. Now her worst fears are confirmed (Manaka is straight) and her worst nightmare (Manaka is taken) have come to fruition.

Deep breaths. She'll manage. It doesn't really change anything that Manaka is dating someone for real now. It isn’t as though Hitomi ever had a chance to begin with. After all, what were the odds that none of them were straight?

Manaka flops backwards onto the bed, clutching that device to her chest. It's a newer model of portable computer or whatever they're called. Hitomi is pretty sure she got it from her boyfriend, which means her boyfriend is pretty rich, too.

"He wants me to stay the night at his place after our next date," she says, smiling.

Hitomi frowns — she knows what that means. It means that they’re probably going beyond first base. She tries not to picture Manaka getting fucked by some guy. The thought of Manaka naked is making her feel warm — her face is probably red right now. She needs to think normal thoughts. Normal, not-homosexual thoughts.

"Oh, don't give me that look," Manaka says. "Why are you so angry about it? I know you don’t trust him, but…don’t you trust me well enough to know the person I love is good?"

"All the way to love?" Hitomi asks, arching an eyebrow. "You’ve only been on two dates so far."

"And I'd say we've been taking it pretty slow, considering how long we've known each other for," Manaka answers with a smile. "I can’t wait for it. I wonder what he's like in bed. I hope I won’t disappoint him…"

"I’m…sure you’ll be fine," Hitomi says, fighting down the blush on her cheeks. "I don’t think you can really…do too badly at sex."

"What, and you're an expert? I thought you'd never had a boyfriend. You haven’t in all the time I've known you."

True. But…Hitomi isn’t into guys. She wouldn’t have a boyfriend. She’s only ever really wanted Manaka, and the one girl she dated on the down-low was a distraction from that. They didn’t end up having sex then.

"I can’t say I am, but…if you're nervous, maybe I could help," Hitomi says. Why did she say that? Why did she offer to help? She doesn’t want to facilitate Manaka having sex with her boyfriend. Hell, if he thinks she sucks in bed, maybe he'll dump her and she'll be able to go back to hoping like before.

“We’re both girls,” Manaka answers without a second thought. “How are you supposed to help?”

"I could…uh…" She has to stay in control. She can do this. She can. "Show you. You want practice, don't you?"

"You think I need it?" But Manaka is already setting her device aside, sitting up with interest.

"You don't want it to be awkward with him, do you? I don’t care if you're bad at sex. You’re my friend. I’m not really into you, so it’ll be okay."

She tries to avoid lying to Manaka, but she can’t tell the truth about this.

"Okay," Manaka says, turning her back to Hitomi. "Help me unzip?"

Hitomi closes her eyes. She's done this plenty of times before, helping Manaka undress, but this time still feels different. She grabs the zipper without fumbling for it, and pulls it down. She opens back up her eyes. Manaka's bra isn't particularly fancy. She wouldn't be sure what to think if it was. Manaka shrugs out of her dress. It falls to the floor, leaving her just in her bra and panties. Hitomi takes a deep breath, trying to keep the blush from her face, and starts to unbutton her own shirt in turn. Manaka has turned to the side — not facing her, not yet, but no longer turning her back. She takes another breath and pulls her shirt out from where it's tucked under her skirt before letting it fall to the floor.

Manaka is sitting in front of her, now with her bra off too. Hitomi resolutely doesn't think about how good it would feel to touch her breasts. Would Manaka's boyfriend do that? Would he handle her gently, with the reverence she deserves? Or would he just want to stick his dick in her as soon as possible?

"Let me?" Manaka asks with a smile.

Hitomi nods, and Manaka is touching her— oh. Just to take her bra off for her.

"Take off your panties," Hitomi says. "You first."

Manaka quickly shimmers out of them. "Okay. What's next?"

Hitomi reaches to pull open her nightstand drawer, cheeks burning at the fact that she owns one of these. She had bought the little vibrator on some kind of impulse, and she's never really used it. She prefers to use her fingers and pretend it really is Manaka touching her. But she's been trying to do it less now that she knows Manaka is taken. It hadn't really felt right — Manaka is one of her best friends, corrupting that is…bad. But she could never stop herself.

"I…think this will be a little better than using my fingers," she says. She still feels too embarrassed to look at Manaka's face, see what she really thinks of Hitomi now.

"Do I have to…do anything first?" Manaka asks.

"Have you ever touched yourself?"

"Um…"

She looks up. Manaka is blushing, which either means she’s too embarrassed to admit it or too embarrassed about her inexperience.

"Here," Hitomi says. She traces a finger around Manaka's clit, and watches as her eyes flutter and a shiver runs through her. "You'll want him to touch that if you want to come."

"So…he can't just stick it in?"

"How does this feel?" Hitomi slowly inserts the vibrator.

Manaka experimentally rolls her hips. This was a mistake, a mistake, a mistake— but who is Hitomi kidding, she's going to be getting off to this forever.

"It's alright," she answers. "It…feels a little weird to have something up there like this."

"I don't know if it’ll be weirder or not with a real penis," Hitomi says. She’s not really interested in finding out. She moves the vibrator in and out, going as deep as she can and only backing off a little. Manaka lets out a soft moan.

Hitomi knows she's never going to forget that sound.

She brings her other hand up to touch Manaka's clit, rubbing it lightly.

"Yes, please, more—" Manaka's words are like music to her ears, even though they're barely coherent.

"Manaka…"

Hitomi feels it before she can really see Manaka coming. They bask in the moment for a bit before Manaka rolls onto her side.

"That’s what it’s supposed to feel like?"

"It’s supposed to feel good," Hitomi answers, resisting the urge to reach out and touch Manaka. "It’s not supposed to hurt."

"Okay," Manaka says, putting a hand on Hitomi's waist. "Do you want me to…return the favor?"

That's it. This is going to kill her someday. It might even kill her now. She might spontaneously combust if Manaka touches her like that. She definitely feels like she's going to.

"Um. There’s no need for that," Hitomi says. "We should, uh, get cleaned up."

That night, when it's dark in her room and Hitomi doesn't have anything else to think about, she thinks back to what she did. How selfish she was for doing it. She's ruined Manaka for her boyfriend now, and…she can't really bring herself to feel guilty. Manaka won't really count it, she knows, and people mess around with their friends all the time. Plus, if she does end up breaking up with her boyfriend, then…well…that'd be better for Hitomi, wouldn't it?

When she closes her eyes, the scene is on replay in her head. And when she reaches down to touch herself, to relieve the pent-up arousal that's been brewing in her all day, she comes almost immediately.

Maybe it was a mistake, to hold and not to have. She doesn't know yet. But she does know these feelings won't stop consuming her anytime soon. And she can't stop herself from feeding into them.